#they thought we are lesbians (I am. don't think my crush is...) and they began spouting homophobic shit at us. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

dusk-outlaw-gaming · 4 months ago

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The Owl House... what a great show it is.

It quickly solidified its place as my favorite show, a show I find comfort in.

I know it might sound weird but The Owl House has taught me that it's not only okay to be different but it's also something I'm allowed to embrace.

I've also experienced and still experience the sting of being called a nerd or a weirdo, being on the receiving end of jibes and teasing; simply because I'm passionate about video games, getting hyped about something others may deem as odd or because I live out my creativity by writing fanfictions, making music or compiling funny video game moments into a video edit, layered with music and sound effects. Heck, even for watching The Owl House I get made fun of because it's a cartoon and cartoons are "made for kids" and I'm an adult with a job; am I not allowed to enjoy things?

Being called a nerd/weirdo made me feel insecure about my hobbies, making them seem like something that I shouldn't even be vocal about. As a result I usually either tone down my enthusiasm or don't talk about my hobbies at all if I meet new people unless I know the other person has a similiar or the same interest; even then I'm still cautious.

When I began watching The Owl House - unfortunately way too late - I was immediately drawn in by its undeniable charm.

We have Luz, whose journey through the Boiling Isles showed me that embracing my true self is a strength, not a weakness. I can relate to her because I also am afraid to be made fun of for the the way I am, to not fit in because I like the things that I like, having to pretend to be someone I'm not.

We have Amity - as a lesbian myself, I see a reflection of my own experiences as we catch on to her crush on Luz. I've been there too.

Her fear of being rejected - yeah, I understand.

Amity blushing around her crush, doing stupid things around her - yes, can relate to that too

The way Amity talks about how things have gotten confusing since Luz came to the Boiling Isles, making her think things she's never thought before, making her feel things she never used to feel - absolutely, 100% relatable.

Also the instances of Amity gay panicking over Luz... absolutely accurate! (At least that's how I'd panick around my crush if I had one)

Even the way Luz's and Amity's blossoming feelings for each other are portrayed is so on point; it doesn't feel rushed or "just placed into the show to be inclusive" like many other TV shows these days unfortunately fall prey to and make it seem forced... or being used as a running gag in the show (which also applies to many other stereotypes); instead their relationship develops in such a natural way until we get to Knock, knock, knockin' on Hooty's door (I love that bird tube) which gives Luz and Amity the final push to ask each other out; the way this entire scene plays out... ugh, my heart.

But it's not only Luz and Amity who resonated with me; there are so many characters that just add to the show with their own backstories, personal struggles and fears... Eda, King, Raine, Willow, Gus, Hunter, Lilith, Camila... each character enriches the overall story.

The Owl House is just so good at what it does: The story-telling, having characters with unique personalities and their development throughout 3 seasons (still mad at Disney for robbing us of a full 3rd season) alongside the representation of different sexualities and identities; I also love the fact that homophobia (or any other kind of phobia) just doesn't exist on the Boiling Isles. Everything is depicted as normal (as it should be); heck even Odalia wasn't like "what? My daughter is dating a girl?! UNACCEPTABLE!" Odalia is still effed up but... you get my point.

I'd also like to add that I appreciate the way The Owl House tackles serious matters like trauma and struggling with mental health issues. These themes are never trivialized or oversimplified; instead, they are woven into the plot, into the characters' journeys in a way that feels honest and true. This thoughtful representation provides solace and validation to viewers who may be grappling with their own challenges... like myself. It's a reminder that such struggles are real and complex.

So, in conclusion... The Owl House does an amazing job making me happy and I'll definitely rewatch... multiple times.

It's a show that welcomes all forms of uniqueness with open arms, and for that, I am profoundly grateful to Dana Terrace and the entire crew. Thank you for creating a space where I, and hopefully so many others, can feel understood and seen, despite the challenges you had to face to make this show happen and play out the way you wanted it to.

"The only thing I've ever really wanted... was to be understood" Luz Noceda, S3 E2, For The Future

#personal talk #long post #the owl house #i love this show so much #i wish i could talk to more TOH fans #but i'm too shy to reach out #no other show has ever resonated with me this much #and i've watched many

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ilovetheseattlemariners · 4 months ago

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This page is slowly becoming dedicated to my ex

Firstly, before everything else, the new Bruno Lady Gaga is fucking heat.

Today was eventful. Bought a bass that I had been eyeing for awhile. It's next to me now as I write. I played really bad today in the shed, though, which is a common experience but nonetheless just as painful. It's running your head into a wall. I'm dissatisfied with my playing because... I just am. I don't know, hoping tomorrow will be better. Also going to buy a piano off of my brother's boss which I'm excited about.

After that, I went out with my gym bro to like this very purposely antiquated old city. Like think cabins and a bunch of antique stores. I was looking for a typewriter — still am as of writing this — but because of its aesthetic this city was very touristy and, thus, had a really nasty tourist tax. It's a nice cute area, though. My gym bro also made me a really cute card and brought me cute gifts and I feel bad since I didn't have anything for her and I wish I acted more appreciative of the gifts when I got them; I appreciate them a lot, don't get me wrong, but I wish it had shown more pellucidly.

My gym bro's parents were also accompanying us; they drove us. And often my mind kept getting overcome by thoughts of relationships. My gym bro's parents are in a very good relationship (I can't say the same about my parents), and my gym bro has been dating someone for four years. I can't even imagine myself yet in something that long lasting. Like yes I desire that and I want to have that, but I've never been in a relationship for more than seven months. Like how do you guys do that. I can't even conceptualize that as anything more than something I long for.

My gym bro asked me randomly the day before for five of my crushes and I listed four guys and Suni Lee. A part of her gift for me was those four and Suni in a "smash cake". I appreciate it greatly, but also I began suffering from the way it served as a mirror, a vessel for introspection. Because I wanted Suni so badly. And the four other men were still so attractive to me and my eyes flickered between all five of them like an indecisive fruitfly hovering over a fruit basket, but my heart felt a rush for her that I hadn't felt for any of the other men.

Like I want a really masc girlfriend. A really gay girlfriend. And my ex could act like that perfectly before being a man the day after and like I felt like they were made just for me. I am slowly becoming a dedication to my ex.

Anyways, I might busk tomorrow with my friend if she's up for it. Me and her could've been a couple once, but I fumbled it; and a large part of me is convinced that we'd still be together today and our lives would be so unlike the ones we live right now had I just been better; had I known to make the right decisions. But perhaps it's better that we are here right now the way we are.

Truthfully, I'd rather have her cancel tomorrow, so I can ask my coworker if I can come in and work with her tomorrow, and hopefully she'd have found no one to come in and take that other half because honestly I think I might be in love with her and it's so stupid and unbearable because she's gay and I'm gay and like being a guy who falls in love with your lesbian best friend is the worst thing in the world you could ever do and like any sort of romantic feelings I have for her disintegrate the moment my image of her in these fantasies becomes more concrete. But I don't know. I dream a lot about transitioning and then the two of us becoming a thing; or me dressing as a woman for my gig and her accidentally falling in love with me as a woman, not knowing it is actually me.

And like I think this just epitomizes the fact that I constantly fall in love with the wrong people, and that I'll never get right who I fall in love with. I'm a dedication to my ex.

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tripthelightfandomtastic · 2 years ago

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I hope that this question is okay. I’m trying to figure this out for myself but I’m not sure (and kinda scared) but how did you realise you were bi?

I think I may be but I’m having a hard time figuring it out. I thought I was always straight but I don’t think that’s right anymore. I also have some SA trauma with men so i don’t know if this is because of that…or if I am just actually bi. Idk, anyway, if you’re okay answering, thank you. ♥️😅

It's kind of difficult to explain. I just kinda began to figure it out when I was 17, I thought I really liked girls because they were really pretty and really nice but I didn't get nervous the way I did with guys, mainly because I'm also a girl and I know what girls are like. I also have always been a feminist and a big advocate for the LGBTQ (little did I know I was probably just projecting and maybe speaking like it was a subject that wasn't about me made it easier to talk about)

I think the biggest indication for me was just that when I watched porn I was more interested in watching the girl and then I started watching lesbian porn and I was like, "most girls must do this too, right?" But I never really talked about that with friends because OBVIOUSLY WHY WOULD I TALK ABOUT PORN WITH MY FRIENDS??? So later on in college I did theater and I did a lot of one on one scenes with this cute girl in my class (the guy weren't very good and there were not very many men for the scenes) so I being me a very chill person I was like "I mean, it can be a scene between two girls in a relationship?" So we did romantic scenes together and I really started to develop a crush on her. She was my first true girl crush and I was super interested in her.

I began to see that I must not be straight if everything I've said thus far was true about me. I also do have SA trauma but that's a whole other thing, I don't really think it impacted my sexuality though bc I felt this way before that happened.

So in short, don't feel like you have to come out or even label yourself with anything if you're still thinking on it. I thought I had to put myself in a mold that matched what I was experiencing. Lots of posts about being Bi talked about like being a bi woman means I like most women and like 1% of men, when my entire romantic history had been all men (up until super recently lol) and I felt and sometimes still feel like an imposter bc I'm not like the posts I've seen or stereotypes I've learned of a bisexual woman. But just know, you are more than the label and however you are feeling is 100% valid and is accepted in the LGBTQ community. There are lots of people who feel the way you do, I hope this helped you. If you ever wanna talk, please message my inbox. 💖

#my asks #lgbtq #bisexuality

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din-skywalker · 3 years ago

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for the longest time, i'd felt uncomfortable in the labels i'd placed myself in. gay, lesbian, queer, bisexual, pansexual, lesbian again. for the longest time, i knew i didn't like men. but even when i said i liked women, it felt off to me. yeah girls are pretty, and i know they're attractive, but i've never been attracted to them. ever since i was young, i'd never had a crush in my life. people would ask me who my cartoon crush was growing up, and i'd have to wrack my brain to chose a random character i liked, when really i just wanted to be that character.

same with in elemntary, middle, and high school. people would ask for a crush, and i'd always try to tell them i never had one, but they always insisted that i did and i was just telling them i didn't. but, really, i didn't. finally after enough pestering i'd carefully chose someone we never talked to but was attractive in their standards enough and say it was them, when i wasn't the least bit interested in them. then, i'd hope that they would never try to get me to actually talk to this person.

they did occasionally, and try to get me and that person to go out together. never happened, because i never wanted to date anyone. similar things happened when people would admit they had a crush on me. id agree to go out with them to see if i could possibly feel something romantic or sexual in this someone, but it never happened, and i'd quickly close them out if they ever tried to claim we were girlfriends or whatever. i'd always say things were going too fast, when really i was plainly not interested in them.

i have similar experiences with sexual intimacy. people would ask me my kinks, and i'd reply with things i thought they'd want to hear. i have never been turned on once in my life, even prior to me taking anti-depressants, so i know i can't blame my sexual aversion on those. i've never wanted to have sex, either, and it and the thought of dating or marrying someone always made me uncomfortable. why would i need any of that when i have friends, family and myself? i didn't want that commitment because i never felt inclined to anyone even romantically before.

i even tried getting drunk and trying to feel romantically towards someone. i had sex with them, and i still feel sick thinking back on that night. because i don't like sex, or romance.

i've always thought something was wrong with me because i never wanted to have sex or to even date someone. i thought i had some kind of blocked out memory of a horrible partner abusing me while we were dating, but i could never think of anything like that. because it never happened. i just never felt any of that before.

of course, that doesn't mean i don't feel love to friends and family. i absolutely adore friends i have and i'm willing to protect for my baby siblings to my last breath.

i just don't feel. romantic or sexual attraction.

so when i found out about there being asexual and aromantic identities, i was curious, but didn't commit to the labels for the longest time, because what if i was pretending or acting like i didn't have romantic or sexual attraction for attention? but then i began to think it over... why would i do that for my own attention? why am i continuing to try to feel things ive never once felt?

accepting myself as aroace has been so invigorating and freeing. i finally feel comfortable with my identity, and i'm so happy there are others like me who don't feel romantic or sexual attractions. i thought i was alone, a freak. i thought i was going to have to push aside my lack of feelings and be uncomfortable for the rest of myself with someone i was never attracted to to begin with. i am so happy now to say that i am aroace, and that i feel neither sexual or romantic attraction in the slightest.

it's freeing. i'm so happy now.

love y'all my fellow aroaces 💙

#where my fellow aroaces at #wow i talk #aromantic #asexual #aroace #lgbt #lgbtqia #aroace friendly space #aroace safe space

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sweetlittlevampire · 5 years ago

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Hi! I've come across your girlfriend tag, and I don't know if someone already asked it in the past, but would you mind share your story? How did you two meet, how did you realize you were a couple etc. Also, if you're comfortable with it, please share a picture of the two of you! :)

Hello, and welcome! :D

So the girlfriend and I are actually high school sweethearts! Our story often gets described as lesbian enemies-to friends-to lovers highschool AU, and - what can I say? It kinda fits. XD

Her name is Jill. She’s nine months older than I am. I was born in June 1987, she in September 1986.

The school year starts in September for us, so often children who are born in September get to stay in Kindergarten a year longer than others, which was also the case for her.

So I started high school in 1999, at age 12, alongside Jill. We didn’t know each other previously. I came from a background with a very strict abusive father, and high school was...how can I say? It was the place where I could escape his supervision, where I could let loose. I was a pretty bright kid, so I showed off like crazy, tried to make friends real fast, and to have fun in general. I was super annoying tbh. XD

Jill had been more like that in elementary school, so she had decided since she was joining the Grown Ups™ (pfffft), she would become all serious and study hard and focus (mostly) on only that.

I was the art and language kid. She was the science kid.

We clashed like waves on a rock. We hated each other during that first year; we even got into a legit fist fight with each other, in which she trashed my glasses, lol.

She failed that class and had to retake the year because she was shit at French...and I failed the following year and had to retake it because I was shit at Maths, so we ended up back together in the same class. That was when I was fourteen, and that was when the teacher put us next to each other, and we pulled out the very same book out of our backpacks to read during recess.

We bonded over Star Trek and Harry Potter. As soon as we noticed that we had common interests, we began opening up to each other - reluctantly, but still. Come spring, we were already inseparable friends, and she invited me to visit her father in Switzerland.

Turns out she likes modern art, and French poetry (poetry in general), and traditional Chinese music. She approaches cooking with such a scientific scrutiny that she was, for a while, convinced the Rules Of Cooking were never to be broken, lest the kitchen might explode (adding more spice than written on the package? Add salt to taste? Unthinkable! Also I like Arabic cuisine and she can’t handle spicy stuff, so yeah).

Turns out she has warm eyes and does laugh much if you know what jokes to pull.

(That was the year we became a couple, on a school trip to Germany. She wore her hair short and dyed red back there, and I was way slimmer, lol. I was fifteen, she was sixteen.)

Now the year after, when I was fifteen, things changed. Our high school was an all-girls school (they do accept boys too since a couple of years), and many of the girls were early bloomers and had their first boyfriends and crushes, picking them up after classes. She and I, we were still single, and joked around that we could still date each other, if we wouldn’t find a boy for us to date. We didn’t think much of it at the time.

If I was already feeling something back then, I was totally oblivious. No idea at all. If she was already feeling something, she never let it transpire.

Then we went on a short trip to the Netherlands in February. She, her mum, her cousin, and me. The cottage had two rooms with a double bed in each, and her cousin shared a bed with her mum, and Jill shared a bed with me. We proceeded to talk until the wee hours of the morning each night.

The night before we were scheduled to drive home, she asked me whether I had ever thought about kissing a girl. I replied that I had not, and that I had, in fact, never kissed anyone in my life. She asked if I would be willing to try. I said: “Sure, why not?”

We both hesitated, but she was bolder than me, and kissed me.

I - it’s hard to describe what happened. It’s as someone had flipped a switch, and everything fell into place, as it always should have been. It’s like I had seen the world in black and white only, and suddenly everything was bright and colourful and saturated. That was when I realised I was in love, and that’s when she did too.

It was the morning of February 17th, at around 02:15 am, 17 years ago as I am typing this in June 2020.

We were both...unsure about how to proceed, but we decided we would just let everything run its natural course. If this was to end in a month, so be it; if it was to last longer, so be it. I was terrified to let anything show at home, because my father was that kind of person who told me to my face that “people like that” should be, in his opinion, “lined up against a wall and shot one by one” - he died before he could find out. There were definetely things we had to learn, like - we used to be glued at the hip in the beginning, but I sometimes need some time to myself, just to think and reflect and breathe. In the beginning, whenever I requested that time, Jill thought I didn’t enjoy her company, or that I was angry with her. It took a while for her to realise that she was allowed to request time on her own, too. These days, we do many things together, but not everything. Sometimes we sit in the same room, and do wildly different things at the same time. I can completely be myself with her.

I’ve never looked back. Never regretted anything. I fall in love again and again each time we meet.

There aren’t many pictures of the two of us together, for reasons we both cannot comprehend, but there’s a selfie of me, and below it there’s a picture I took of her last September, on the train to the Steampunk Festival (hence the costume). It’s one of my favourites.

#Sweet is rambling #thefandomicaopens #Reply #The Girlfriend #long post #my Jill #isn't she gorgeous?#I mean she is to me at least #her hair isn't curly btw - they were put in for the Festival #but it is really that long

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goddessofthundathighs · 5 years ago

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VII: WAITING

Suggested Listenings/Songs Mentioned: Overstimulated x Jhené Aiko; Loaded Gun x 6LACK; New Apartment x Ari Lennox

A/N: Instead of writing a separate chapter, the prompt that you picked is in this one @heybriheyyy!

The sound of heels clicking against the black and gold marble floors of the hallway alerted Erik of Skylar’s arrival. The pair had agreed to meet in his office for lunch to discuss his date with O’Shea and other methods of therapy he could implement going forward. For this to be merely a meeting among friends, she was dressed to kill sporting an ivory turtleneck sweater and black pinstripe pencil skirt that hugged her physique in all the right places. On her feet were a pair of black Priyadora Louboutin open-toe sandals and her signature gold wire-rimmed glasses held their usual place atop her head.

She walked in and shut the door behind her, a silent cue for Harper to cancel his appointments for at least the next hour.

“First of all, you’re an ass for leaving her the way you did. I understand that you were upset at her for laughing, but you could’ve handled that so much better.” Erik dropped his head. Though he rectified the situation, he knew that there was no way he would be able to escape Sky’s wrath about how he reacted to his phallus getting caught in Shea’s braces.

“I fixed it!” he declared, throwing his hands up in the air in defeat.

“Oh I know. Disney, huh?” Her lips were twisted into a knowing smirk, much to Erik’s disdain.

“It’s not what you think,” he lied unsuccessfully.

“Oh it’s exactly what I think, Stevens. You’re falling for her.”

“I am not.”

“Then what do you call it?” He paused for a moment, avoiding her face at all cost. He was reluctant to speak because it was a question he had been asking himself ever since he dropped O’Shea off at home the previous Friday. Sky must’ve sensed his dilemma because her demeanor softened as she took a seat in the chair across from him.

“Ok, let’s try this approach: why are you so drawn to her? Is it personal or purely experimental?”

“Is it selfish to say both?”

“Not entirely. Elaborate.”

“I can say that I like her, but it’s the way that I like her and the reasons why that is a mystery at the moment. On a personal level, she’s incredibly smart and beautiful. She challenges me much like you do and I genuinely like being in her company. On a professional level, I’m curious to how each of her personalities react in a true relationship setting. I could use that information to possibly determine why her past relationships failed and ensure that it doesn’t happen again.”

Skylar listened intently as Erik explained before giving her insight to the situation.

“That may be well and good but the fact still remains that she is a patient and a colleague of mine. Are you prepared to completely cross that line or do you want to solely as a means of furthering your research?” She didn’t give him a chance to answer as she continued her lecture. “Furthermore, if you choose the latter, are you prepared to handle the possible blowback? As free as you are with your methods there is still the review board to report to and they will ensure that every step you take is well documented down to the flavor of lube.. and ETHICAL. Tread very softly. I don't wanna see you lose your license over some emotional bullshit that could easily be straightened out.”

“That’s actually the part that scares me the most. I need to figure something out and fast.” Skylar agreed before grabbing her bag.

“Well let me know what you come up with,” she replied as she began making her way out of the office, leaving Erik with his wayward thoughts. He pulled out his phone and scrolled through the text thread between he and O’Shea, chuckling to himself at their playful banter.

“What are you doing to me, Ms. Powell?” he spoke aloud with a sly smile, completely oblivious to the woman that now occupied his office.

“Dr. Stevens?” the young woman spoke, her soft voice causing him to lift his head. She sported a black biker jacket with blue jeans and timberland boots, her hair a curly mess atop her head.

“Yes, how may I help you?” he asked as he sat back in his chair.

“My name is Oya Ramirez. We spoke on the phone briefly the other day.”

“Oh yes, Ms. Ramirez, please have a seat.” Though her smile was bright, her eyes held pain. He could tell that life hadn’t exactly been good to her, but she was trying to make the best out of a bad situation.

“What brings you by, Ms. Ramirez?” he inquired as he sat up straight and grabbed a pen.

“Well, as of late, I've been having trouble achieving orgasms. I know what I like and I know all of the things necessary to get me to that point, but nothing seems to be working. I’ve scared off all of my usual partners because they say that my sex drive is too high and it’s unattractive, which I find absolutely ridiculous.” He looked up with one eyebrow raised, staring at her as though he’d seen a ghost. Everything she said was exactly what O’Shea had told him on their first meeting and he was starting to wonder if he were being Punk’d.

“I read this article in a psychology magazine about how you help women with that sort of thing and I was wondering if you could help me.” Erik couldn’t tell if it was fate or if God had a twisted sense of humor, but this was exactly the sort of thing he needed. He could use the treatment methods he used on O’Shea as a placebo to see if they would truly be practical enough to incorporate into his usual routine. Maybe leveling the playing field would also help him gain clarity of the O’Shea situation.

“Alright Ms. Ramirez, what are your kinks?” As she rattled off the list, he learned that she was a bratty lesbian looking for a dom to tame her.

“Well Ms. Ramirez, my schedule is pretty full at the moment, however, here’s my business partner’s card. She’ll be more than happy to assist you with your needs.”

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“A business trip? For how long?” O’Shea pouted from her seat across from his desk.

“It’s only going to be a week, but in that week I want us to not contact one another. Instead, I want you to try and implement other methods to destress.”

“Did I do something? Was it something I said?” Buttercup begged in a tone so pitiful it almost made Erik cancel the whole trip and cradle her in his arms like the baby she was. He could see Sky in the back of his mind shaking her head and he could hear her saying, "Unhealthy attachment. Transference." And this is exactly why I need to go. We both need clarity.

“I’m not abandoning you, Princess. Trust me, this time next week we’ll be back to our regularly scheduled program and I’ll even have new things for us to try.”

O'Shea blinked at the thought of something new and interesting brought in specifically for her, curiosity softening the blow of temporary abandonment. Afterall, it was only a week and she'd gone longer without attention. She could probably do it again.

The thought crossed her mind to call up Cameron or Michael, past contacts she'd usually turn to in moments when she needed something quick. Neither Bennie, Buttercup, or Bianca would be satisfied, but at least O'Shea would be getting something. However, just as soon as the thought came, it left again. They just weren't worth it, besides there was something sexy and a little charming about waiting. Maybe distance would make their hearts grow fonder.

“Okay, I guess I can deal with that. Just don’t be tryna replace me while you’re gone,” she fake pouted.

“Someone sounds possessive,” he teased as he lead her out of his office, his hands by his side as to not complicate things further. She merely smiled, and continued out to her car, trying hard not to let the bratty beast within her loose before their little experiment had even began.

“Not possessive, just confident. There’s only one O’Shea Powell, Dr. Stevens. Have a safe trip.”

With that, she slid into the driver’s seat of her Benz and drove off into the sunset, leaving Erik yearning to be in her presence once again.

Crushing the line // cutting the line // crossing the line// Bumps in the night // Got me over here overstimulated // Crushing the line // cutting the line // crossing the line // Bumps in the night // Got me, got me over here, over

The first day without Erik was quiet. O’Shea went to work and back home and curled up with a book to ease her mind, her Something Chill playlist playing softly in the background. Though she didn’t want to believe that it was her fault that Erik had left, that’s where her mind kept drifting. She tried to convince herself that their interactions were nothing more than patient/client, she couldn’t ignore the obvious. Regardless of what was going on, no one would willingly purchase a Pandora bracelet or any other token of affection if there weren’t some feelings involved. Could it be that he too felt what she was feeling and was distancing himself to put those feelings into clarity? If so, then why wouldn’t they just talk things out like adults? Separation only gives way to doubt and doubt ruins everything. O’Shea sighed and closed her book. This week was about to be a long one.

“Ade due Damballa, give me the power I beg of you! Leveau mercier du bois chaloitte. Seciose entinne mais pois de morte. Morteisma--”

“Girl, what the hell are you doing?” O’Shea stopped mid-chant and opened one eye to find Skylar standing over her, one eyebrow raised in suspicion.

“I was tryna bring my nigga back, damn,” O’Shea pouted, placing the Pandora bracelet back on her wrist. Skylar doubled over in laughter at the meek woman before her. Erik had only been gone 2 days and she was already acting crazy.

“First of all, stop it, you look stupid. That only works for the transference of spirits and you need the actual Heart of Damballa in order for it to work.”

“I keep forgetting you a wholeass Creole voodoo priestess in your spare time,” O’Shea remarked, pulling out her sketchbook to draw more prototypes.

“And you’re acting like a lovesick puppy.”

“I don’t know what it is, Sky. Like aside from the bomb ass head, I actually miss our conversations. He listened to me, made me laugh. Hell he was the first man in a while that actually cared about how my day was going and how I was feeling throughout the day. I know that’s his job as a therapist and all, but something about it seemed different.”

“Do you think you’re possibly starting to grow feelings for him?”

“Absolutely not!” Shea lied. In actuality, it was a thought she’d mulled over several times since their Disney adventure.

“Why do y’all insist on lying to me? Tell me what’s going on with you,” Sky said, pulling up a chair beside her. O’Shea sighed heavily, not really wanting to expose her true feelings, but Skylar wasn’t just anyone. She was a confidant and also a neutral source. If anyone could help Shea sort through her emotions, it would be her.

“I honestly don’t know how to explain it. Like on one hand, he’s strictly my therapist. Someone more than qualified to help me address my current issues and find and adequate solution. On the other hand, he’s Erik. An incredibly smart and equally handsome man that has put me in my place more times in the last few months than I can remember. I haven’t even laid eyes on the dick yet and I’m already acting like a prized poodle in the Westminster Kennel Club. When he says jump, I want to ask how high and that scares me. Instead of being turned off or annoyed by my little personalities, he embraces and nurtures them in a healthy way and I’m having a hard time distinguishing whether he’s this way because he genuinely wants to be or because, as a doctor, he has to be.” Skylar nodded, absorbing everything that O’Shea had to say before adding her two cents.

“So, I’ll ask again, are you growing feelings him? Before you answer, think about this: if you are growing feelings, are you capable of continuing a professional relationship with him if those feelings aren’t reciprocated?” O’Shea hadn’t thought about the fact that Erik may not feel the same and hearing it now had her stomach in knots. Skylar sensed her dilemma and continued her speech.

“Now I’m not asking this to scare you or to send you off the deep end with your emotions, but I’m being realistic. I honestly think you two need time apart so you both can get clarity of the situation as well as come to terms with whatever y’all are both feeling towards one another.

“He’s going to Wakanda for a week. He suggested that we not call or text one another the entire trip, something about finding other methods to destress.” Leave it to Erik to already be three steps ahead.

“Good. While he’s gone, I have a yoga class I think you’ll be interested in and we can go together.”

“Eww, I hate yoga,” Shea complained.

“You’ll enjoy this, trust me.”

----------------

The sunset in Wakanda was always the most beautiful part of visiting his aunt and cousins. It had been a few years since he’d visited the advanced nation and each time, something new caught his attention. This time, it was the customizations she had made to T’Challa’s Black Panther suit that caught his eye. She had added a stealth mode, meaning he could go invisible if needed be when he was in battle. His younger cousin never ceased to amaze him with her genius nature. One he’d gotten his belongings put away, he set out to find his aunt Ramonda. She was his second mother and if anyone could help him gain clarity of his current predicament, it was her. He found her seated in the floating tea room that overlooked the lush garden at the center of the palace. It was her one of her favorite places in the palace. She always came here when she wanted to get away and clear her head. She was adorned in a white Wakandan lace robe with a matching headdress.

“Auntie, can I talk to you about something?” She beamed, giving him a knowing smile before beckoning him to sit down beside her. She took his hand into her own and squeezed it gently, letting him know that he could speak freely.

“Tell me about her,” was all she said, noting the troubled look in his eyes.

“Who said a girl was involved?” She stared up at him incredulously before chuckling.

“You ask that as though I do not know you, N’Jadaka. You’ve checked your phone every 10 minutes since you got here and I can always read the trouble behind your eyes. Now, tell me about her.” He sighed, hating that he could never hide anything from his aunt.

“It’s one of my clients, I think I’m falling for her.” Ramonda chuckled softly to herself as she studied Erik. She could tell that the topic was a difficult one for him, noting the way he tugged nervously at a lone dreadlock that hung loosely in his face.

“Didn’t you say that you’d never get involved with one of your patients because it’s messy and unprofessional? What changed your mind?”

“I don't know Auntie. There’s something different about this girl. She intrigues me on a level that no other woman has before. She’s witty, and the culmination of her different personalities create a very interesting and sharp young lady," he smiled recounting the times her mouth had been quicker than he could anticipate.

"The man is asked to explain his attraction and he talks about multiple personalities," Shuri tsks making her presence known.

“Obviously I am needed! N'Jadaka!" Her hand clapped hard onto his back as she stood between him and the queen gazing out into the garden ahead.

"Figure out if she is an experiment, a patient, or a lover, but don’t use her to fill your emotional gaps. You’re a jerk if you do,” Shuri scolded before heading back towards her laboratory. "Thank me later," she called as she disappeared from sight. Erik stared after her for a beat before turning back to his aunt to squeezed his hand once more.

“She may be young, but she is wise beyond her years and she knows what she’s talking about. I can give you all of the advice in the world, but at the end of the day, it’s your decision to make. Lord knows we don’t want another Lynda situation,” the Queen concluded as she stood.

She stepped to the side and followed Shuri's path to the exit leaving Erik to gaze solemnly out over the garden and into the grand horizon. He thought back to his relationship with Lynda and how it ended, concluding with himself that O’Shea definitely wasn’t a Lynda. She was an enigma, but a goddess in her own right. She deserved someone that could give her his whole heart and love her as hard as he knew she loved. She deserved to be catered to and spoiled, but also disciplined whenever she stepped out of line; she was a submissive after all. She deserved a lover and a provider and he wasn’t sure that he could be all of those things for her, but he was more than willing to try.

“Dammit. I think I’m in love.” He whipped out his phone and called Skylar, remembering some things he forgot to tell her before he left.

“Wassup lover boy? Miss me already?”

“I always miss you, Nola,” he smirked, hearing her soft gasp at the nickname he hadn’t used since college.

“Real funny, Stevens. To what pleasure do I owe this phone call?”

“I know you don’t really do therapy, but I referred you to someone, Oya Ramirez. She suffers from the same symptoms as our bipolar beauty minus the other personalities and I figured she’d be a good experiment for you. She should be stopping by some time this week.”

“Oya Ramirez,” Skylar repeated, jotting the name down in her notebook for reference. “Got it. Anything else?”

“Nah, that’s it. I’ll be back in a few days. How my girl?”

“Oh, now she’s your girl?”

“You know what I mean. She doing ok?”

“She’s pretty good. We’ve got a yoga date tomorrow.”

“Yoga? She hates yoga.”

“There’s weed involved.”

“Ah,” he states with a nod. “I knew there had to be a catch, but yoga’s good. Good way to get her mind off things.”

“I’m well aware, Dr. Stevens. I’ll keep you posted on her progress.”

“Thanks, Nola. I owe you one.”

“You’re eternally indebted to me, Stevens. I thought we had this discussion already.”

“You right. I’ll make sure I bring you back something dope. Peace.” Erik ended the call and returned to his suite in the palace. It was a room he’d tried and failed to duplicate in his condo back in LA. The color scheme was black, white, and gold with a huge Alaskan king bed trimmed in black and gold in the center of the room. The walls were decorated with paintings of African and Egyptian royalty, including Queen Nefertiti and Anubis from Egyptian mythology. A large floor length mirror hung on the back of his bedroom door and his closet was its own ensuite. The floor was black and gold heated marble, the inspiration to the floor in his office and the ceiling changed to mimic the sky outside, no matter the time of day. He undressed and slipped under the covers, trying and failing to keep his mind from drifting to the current object of his affection as 6LACK‘s mellow voice filled the room.

I got women callin’ my phone like I owe them some’ // It’s kinda my fault // I guess I showed them some’ // No shit, I treat my dick just like a loaded gun // Point that shit away // These hoes gon’ blow what comes

He shook his head, smiling softly at the image of her little pout and the way her eyes lit up when he surprised her with the Pandora bracelet. He would give anything to see her smile the way she smiled that night again. The slight dip of the bed caused Erik to raise his head, only to drop it back against the pillow one he realized who the intruder was.

“I missed you too, Massika,” he murmured as the jaguar made her way up the bed and to her usual spot beside him. She purred softly, rubbing her nose against his face before settling down beside him. She had been his baby ever since he’d rescued her from poachers the last time he visited. Everywhere he went, Massika followed and he made a mental note to introduce her to O’Shea once they were official.

--------------------

Today felt different. The sunlight crept through the large bow window, casting an ethereal glow throughout the bedroom. O’Shea woke roughly 20 minutes before her alarm, something that typically only happened when she was stressed. She stretched and said her morning affirmations before finally slipping out of bed, a small smile creeping across her face.

“Hey Alexa, play Something Chill.” As the device came to life, O’Shea retired to her bathroom and allowed Ari Lennox’s smooth voice to help her get ready for the day.

Pop my woo-hah in the sky // ‘Cause nobody here to judge my life // Leave the dishes in the sink // Do some cartwheels // “Cause my furniture ain’t came // Standard shipping thing // I just got a new apartment // I’m gon’ leave the floor wet // Walk around this bitch naked // And nobody can tell me shit

Since she was awake early, she decided to indulge in a relaxing bath with her newest bath bomb from Lush, called Royalty. The floral scent of the bomb permeated the bathroom before being replaced by a hint of vanilla and sandalwood. She watched as the water turned from a warm golden to soft red and green before slipping into the water. She loved how soft the soy milk powder left her skin, smoother than a baby’s ass fresh from its mother’s womb. After a 30-minute soak, she retired from her bath to get dressed, choosing to slick her curls up into a high puff while sporting a white, floral mini dress and a jean jacket. She felt good, a genuine smile crossed her face as she glanced down at the Pandora bracelet that rested in the center of her jewelry box for the past 3 days. She’d chosen not to wear it, fearing that she would be plagued with thoughts of Erik and be tempted to call or text him. Thanks to Skylar, the week had gone by a lot faster than she’d expected and he was due back home within the next few hours. A quick swipe of her Fenty gloss bomb and she was out the door, a newfound pep in her step.

The jingle of the shop’s bell pulled Shea from her sketchbook. She looked up to find a short, light-skinned woman coming over to the counter. Her hair was braided into cornrows and she wore a white cropped hoodie, blue jean shorts, and white Fila tennis shoes.

“Hello. My name is Oya Ramirez. I was sent here by Dr. Erik Stevens. He told me to ask for Skylar.” O’Shea regarded the young woman for a bit before walking to the back to get Sky.

“Oh Ms. Ramirez, Dr. Stevens told me you’d be stopping by. Follow me this way.” Oya complied, walking with Sky to the back of the store. O’Shea smirked, watching the way Skylar’s eyes followed every move Oya made until they had disappeared somewhere among the tall shelves. Once they were gone, O’Shea turned her attention back to her sketchbook. Since the dildo generator had been approved, Sky had tasked O’Shea with designing preset models that could be customized for potential clients that didn’t want to design their own tool from scratch. Just as she was getting back into her groove, the bell jingled again.

“Hello, welcome to —”

The cocoa skinned woman held up her hand to silence Shea.

“I’m Monica, where’s Skylar?” Almost on cue, Sky emerged from the back of the store with Oya, both giggling like schoolgirls. Once Sky’s eyes met Monica’s however, her smile faded.

“Baby!” Monica tried, attempting to throw her arms around Sky’s neck, but stopping once she saw the death glare Sky was giving.

“Oya, call me tomorrow with updates. O’Shea, take your break.”

“But I just got here,” O’Shea complained.

“I said take a break!” Sky repeated, raising her voice slightly to emphasize her point. Shea seemed to take the hint, leaving Sky and Monica alone in the shop.

TAGS: @vikkidc @thadelightfulone @sydneebleu @trevantesbrat @madamslayyy @chaneajoyyy @jozigrrl @thehomierobbstark @amethyst1993 @iamrheaspeaks @mareethequeen @forbeautyandlife @whatmoredoyouwantamericaa @blowmymbackout @wakanda-inspired @nickidub718 @heyauntieeee @princessstevens @bartierbakarimobisson @xaviera108 @alexundefined @raysunshine78 @dameshaemonique @laketaj24 @youreadthatright @theogbadbitch @bugngiz @amirra88 @post-woke @im5ftbutmythroat66 @blackpinup22 @maya-leche @blessyd-bthyname @unholyxcumbucket @eclecticblkgirl @kissmyafropuff

TAGS DON’T WORK: @beaut1fulone-blog @chefjessypooh @queengidiva619 @love-me22 @honey-poooh @diva-Princess-on-fleek @heybriheyyy

#vanity writes #my shit #erik stevens #killmonger smut #daddy erik #killmonger fic #erik killmonger #erik killmonger x black oc #bde #carnal stimulation

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sonderlivra · 7 years ago

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Adsdadassa idk if you're ok with it, but how do you feel about Eren confessing to goth!Mikasa?

I am TOTES ok with it, and I am so, so sorry for such a delayed response! As I mentioned, I’ve had several WIPs and a new OTP and shitty worklife to balance, and unfortunately, I’ve had to put this on hold. Thanks so much for the ask, though!

Anyhow, here goes, Highschool AU Eremika being slightly OOC. Warning for swearing, because of course.

Eren Jaeger had a problem.

It was as important as it was difficult, and try as he might, no amount of analysing, planning, or worrying got him any closer to resolving it.

He trudged through the empty halls of his school, having stayed late to practise for his basketball team. He had been recruited as a junior and had quickly moved up the ranks of players, placing himself as one of the team’s favourites. His hard work had paid off, his way to college seemed brighter with more opportunities, his parents were proud. Still, his Very Important Problem persisted. And with his final year of school fast coming to a close, his problem got that much bigger and more important.

He waved a cheeky goodbye at the janitor, who simply grunted at him. Years ago, he had gotten the innocent janitor involved in a scandal of sorts, but they had moved past that. Now, the janitor had already given notice and was due to leave in two weeks, having formed a booming business of his cleaning products. Eren wished his life was as simple and as comfortable as that. No hard choices, no indeterminate future, no heartache.

He turned into the main corridor and froze suddenly, colour draining from his face.

“M-Mikasa?” He stammered.

She looked up from her book and stood up. “Hey.”

“Hey,” he muttered, focusing on the tiled floor; the blood was rushing back into his cheeks and he didn’t want her to see. “What are you doing here?”

“It’s Thursday,” she reminded him, stuffing her book in her bag and matching her pace with his.

Eren still didn’t look up. “Yeah, but you said you were busy.”

“Well, now I’m not.”

Something in her voice made him look at her. She was one of his oldest friends, and so he wasn’t surprised to see a small frown line between her eyebrows -a sure sign that she was upset.

“What happened?” When she didn’t answer, he said jokingly, “Do I have beat someone up for you?”

She didn’t smile. “I can handle it.”

Mikasa never had been a cheerful sort. An early tragedy had transformed her into a stoic girl. She was her most emotional around Eren and their other best friend, Armin, but even then, she had mostly been quiet and unassuming, until she her fourteenth birthday, when she discovered goth literature. It had appealed to her dark and melodramatic sides and for the first time in years, was unapologetically evocative about her interests.

Her black lips were now pursed in a thin line, her throat bobbing beneath her antichrist choker as she swallowed whatever she meant to say.

“Gonna cast a curse or something?” He asked, continuing in his joking vein when she stopped abruptly.

“Are you laughing at me?”

“What?” He yelped. “No, of course not! Why would I… Miks I would never-”

She huffed and began to walk again. “Come on. We’re lagging behind in history.”

He rushed to catch up with her. “Hey, look. Stop. What’s wrong?”

“It’s not important, Eren.”

“Of course it is.”

She glared at him, and he glared back. Moments like this had become rare, moments where they were just best friends together and Eren’s all-consuming crush didn’t dampen the mood.

“You tell me everything,” he said quietly.

“Unlike you,” she snapped, and Eren stumbled. “What?”

She jabbed a black fingernail in his chest. “You heard me. You’ve been avoiding me.”

“What? N-no, I-”

“Everyone is avoiding me. Armin’s busy studying. The lacrosse finals are over and no one wants to talk. Eric-” her voice faltered, “Eric stands me up. And the only time you bother to even acknowledge me is when we have to do our study sessions!”

Eren’s heart was thudding. “I don't…” He couldn’t deny it, he really couldn’t, not to her. Then he latched onto one part of her rant. “Eric stood you up?”

She waved her hands in a frustrated gesture and began to walk away again. Eren reached forward and grabbed her hand. “Wait a sec-”

He should have seen it coming. But Mikasa moved at the speed of light, and he was flipped on his back and on the floor with her knee on his chest before he knew what was happening. “Don’t touch me,” she growled and eased up.

He stood up shakily. “Mikasa, look, I’m sorry…” He stopped, aghast, when he realised that her arms were not crossed on her chest in anger and that a lone tear was coursing down her cheek.

“You don’t even…” She whispered, then cleared her throat and continued more strongly, “Look, I don’t care about the team. They’re not my friends. And Eric -can go fuck himself, I mean he’s hipster trash anyway. But you, you’re my best friend.” She blinked and another tear slipped down. “Why won’t you talk to me?”

His hands were shaking. “Mikasa, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”

“Is it all this?” She waved a vague hand over her outfit, a black lacy top with a long, heavy black skirt and heavy black leather boots. “Does this annoy you? Because I can tone down on the Anne Rice and Twilight was a mistake and I’ll stop ranting about Mary Shelley and Carmilla-”

“Miks.”

“I’ll even listen to Deep Purple, I’ve heard they’re good-”

“Mikasa.”

“And I was lying, I do like Metallica-”

“I love it.” Eren interrupted loudly, stopping her. “I love all of it, I love that you think Mary Shelley invented science fiction, because of course she did, I love that you love gay and lesbian vampires because of course they are, and I love that you wear black all the time ‘cause you look fucking amazing and I love… I love-” He paused abruptly, taking in the shocked glimmer of her wide grey eyes. Then he thought fuck it, and went on, “I love everything you do and everything about you and I love- you. A lot. A whole fucking lot. And hate that I do now because school is done and we’re gonna be adults and shit and we’ll probably say goodbye soon and- I’m sorry,” he finished anti-climatically.

Her eyes were wider than he had ever seen them.

“You… love… me?” She whispered.

“A whole fucking lot,” he repeated, his eyes trained on the ground again.

“And you didn’t want to tell me because we're going to leave soon?”

“No! I mean, yes. I mean,” Eren groaned with frustration and ran a hand through his hair. “I didn’t think you’d want that. Me. Not right now.”

“But you didn’t think to ask me? You didn’t think I’d want to know?” Her voice was dangerously calm, and when he glanced up at her, she was frowning ominously. He looked away quickly, and when she spoke again, her voice was harsher.

“Because why would I care? Of course I’m shallow enough to think end of school is end of everything, and my type is some pale, constipated, imaginary immortal being, right? You didn’t think I might love you too, you idiot?”

Time froze. Everything froze, including Eren’s heart in his chest and his breath in his lungs. Only Mikasa remained moving and alive, vibrant in her monotone, eyes radiating warm fury. “For weeks I’ve been silent, for weeks you’ve made me think something was wrong with me, that I’ve done something wrong, driven people away-”

He clasped her face in his hands and kissed her. Slowly, gently, for a long, thundering moment, and then stepped back. “I’m sorry,” he told her firmly. “You’re right, I am an idiot. A colossal idiot.” He paused, his hand gently nudging her slack one. “Now you see why I didn’t think you’d want me?”

She snorted delicately, her face still deadpan. “Idiot,” she murmured again.

They were silent for a long moment. Then Eren, always the intrepid one, asked quietly, “So you really…?”

“Yes,” she said immediately. She blinked at him, her face still serious. “If we have to say goodbye, will it matter to you?”

“Not if it doesn’t to you.”

“I already said it doesn’t.”

“Then it doesn’t matter to me,” he said softly, taking her hand, feeling his face burn when she didn’t pull it away. Instead, she laced her fingers through his, and, always the stronger one, pulled him closer.

It was several minutes later, when they were walking home hand in hand, when Mikasa said quietly, “I really do like Metallica. Linkin Park, too.”

Eren squeezed her hand. “Can I tell you a secret?”

“Hmm?”

“I really like Evanescence.”

Her face brightened and she gasped. “I knew it! You coward!”

Laughing, he pulled her in for another quick kiss. “I love you.”

“Me too,” she smiled affectionately. “Idiot.”

A/N: Is this what goth kids are into these days? I am so out of touch, I’m dreadfully sorry if goth!Mikasa should be different. Also, teenage angst is the best angst and super fun to write! Teenage me is flipping me off rn.

#snk #eremika #eren jaeger #mikasa ackerman #snk fanfiction #twilight is definitely a mistake i agree wholeheartedly #delivras

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invisiblereality-kua · 3 years ago

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(Interview) With Purple Millennium founder Honoka Yamasaki: What is queerness?

On August 14, Honoka Yamasaki (she/her/hers), a multi-faceted artist, dancer, writer, model, and founder of queer magazine, Purple Millennium graciously met and spoke with us about her personal experiences and views on gender, sexuality, and equality. Our correspondence with Honoka began with the fact that Honoka and Nao were colleagues in high school in Tokyo.

Born in Okayama and raised in Tokyo, Honoka wears many hats in her current day to day as a freelancer writer for publications such as Neut Magazine, Time Out Tokyo, and 女子SPA on top of her passion project of Purple Millennium as its sole founder and team.

[The interview was held in Japanese and has been condensed for brevity. Translated and edited by Kei]

Photographs by Wan & Jacob

Interview by Nao

Nao (N):

When was the first time you discovered your sexuality?

Honoka (H):

To be honest I still don't know and am still figuring out my sexuality. Maybe at the earliest was in high school when I developed a crush on a classmate, but I wasn't sure if I liked her as a friend or as a lover. At that point I was still inexperienced with relationships even with boys; I started college still confused. It was there that I realized my interest in women when I had my first same-sex partner. (同性愛者・どうせいあいしゃ)

[On definitions] I dated someone from the opposite sex (異性・いせい）in the very beginning and after that I'd only dated women, so I thought maybe I was bisexual then, or pansexual? But then I had a partner once who is non-binary (someone who doesn't tether themselves to either feminine or masculine genders) and they said I'm not bisexual...I think what they said made me realize that that the other person's gender doesn't really matter to me. But, I also wasn't that experienced to call myself non-binary nor confident enough as pansexual either. But because I'd dated the other sex before, I thought, oh I can't be a lesbian. So I still don't know....I feel like I have no idea about my sexuality still. Though I'm sure that I will keep learning and figuring it out.

N: What's your concept and structure behind your queer magazine Purple Millennium (PM) ?

H: I launched PM publicly last year in April 2020 and for the most part it exists in the form of online articles, photographs, videos. This issue is #0 and I'd like to release a physical issue like this every year. Whether it's online or print media I'd like to be actively publishing something.

H: In terms of the content---even though I call it a "queer" magazine I want to cover topics considered taboo. In 10 years time, what's taboo might very well change but I want to talk about issues like menstruation, women's rights, sex, etc.

N: What was the inspiration behind starting a queer magazine for you?

H: It's definitely realizing my sexuality in college....before that, I used to kind of look at people who would openly talk about social issues as "stiff" or uptight? That changed completely, realizing that these social issues (surrounding LGBTQ+) aren't just someone else's problems but mine as well. It came when I then thought about whether I'd be able to be with my Singaporean partner in the future---a lot of people from different countries can get married and reside in these countries but we can't (as a same-sex couple). There's also something about how many more people are talking about it.

If you look at mass media around like 5 years ago it was really limited---back then there was this impression that LGBTQ issues were only covered by human rights organizations or non-profits. And even if you looked them up the language that these sources used were also very clinical and nothing concerning personal experiences. Now it's in a lot of mainstream publications like ELLE Magazine, Time Out, other youth magazines, but I remember even going to the library back then to look up "LGBTQ". These limited resources made me want to create a more accessible space with organic dialogues on queerness.

H: Some people might also be a little taken aback by how intense this [PM] cover is but I think it's important to draw a reader in initially with visuals. People love photos. So I wanted PM to be image-heavy, to reflect the power of the visual as an invitation for the reader.

N: Relatedly, I'm interested in how art and queerness intersect for you.

H: I don't know anything about art at all! I feel like I don't even have the expertise to call this art, but I know that young people are really into these kinds of visuals and graphic design lately, similarly like fashion. What I would love is for people to be intrigued by an image like "What is this?" to then read the text. Who looks to read first (in an article) unless you're really interested in a topic? So either way visuals are important to me---whether they're beautiful or cute, I want to create images that hook you in first to entice you into the text.

N: Right, you're utilizing the power of the visual in art. Looking forward, what are your future goals for the magazine?

H: Up until now, especially when I was initially learning about queer issues, I used to be pretty aggressive saying things like, "Men are this, men are that," and back then I thought being on attack mode was okay.

But my partner at the time alluded to me that maybe my delivery was not the best, like that comes off really strong and accusatory. When they told me that I was defensive of course, but now looking back I see what they were saying. Especially with people whose minds are super difficult to change----take our parents or grandparents for example---being on the offensive with them, like "No, you're wrong," only makes it harder for them to listen.

With PM...rather than instigating that kind of aggressive stance, I want the magazine to show that we, queer people, exist. I think it's enough to say, "We're here." My hope, my goal, is for the dialogue for understanding to start there. If there are people who look at this and refuse to change their outlook, that's that. But I'm ultimately hoping to provide some kind of impetus for more people to be like, "Huh, I didn't know people like this existed, I didn't know there were social issues like this".

N: What does queerness mean to you?

H: That's a loaded question. I mean as a basic term, it can mean anyone who isn't heterosexual, but we should also examine what we define as heterosexual? As of now there's a generalization that queerness = "sexual minorities", but it's so much more than sexuality. It's also about different facets of who we are attracted to and how we express ourselves through our behaviors, outfits, personalities and values. I myself identify as a woman, but my gender expression (with the way I dress and act) can change depending on the people I'm with. There was a time when I loved wearing short hair and pants, and another time being with this feminine girl made me feel protective of her---these are ways in which my expression can have masculine qualities. Right now, I look what is considered feminine, but others may see me differently and I've been noticing these aspects about myself more lately.

But even going to sexuality, there are so many different forms of sexual identities. Take me who doesn't fully understand my sexuality. Even with my confusion I still think that's a kind of sexual identity in itself. Just because someone is a lesbian doesn't mean who or how they love and attract others is the same as other lesbians.

LGBTQ+ people are still so underrepresented in Japan so I think it's important to be loud and say you're queer now. But we use this acronym "LGBTQ" to lump all these nuances together, when actually I think that heterosexual and cisgendered people also express their sexuality through so many ways that there isn't a single norm for them either.

So even within heterosexuality, there are so many variations of sexual expressions, because sexuality is a gradient not a binary. That's why I'd like to see more of the majority of heterosexual and cis people understand that queerness encompasses this multiplicity of being. My hope is for this to become more the normalized perception of queerness.

You can purchase Purple Millennium through their Instagram or at Loneliness Books.

Honoka's Instagram -> @honokayan

#kei #english #queerness

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bellamygateoldblog · 3 years ago

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CONTENT WARNING: i have feelings (🤢🤮)

i hate people knowing things about me (literally don't have social media or anything LMAO im a walking mystery) so if you tell anyone I told you this I'll deny it and then throw your body in the river <3

this might be presumptuous but i really do think my old best friend might've had feelings for me/a crush- like we were unbelievably close & inseparable to the point we literally joked once that we were basically in an asexual lesbian relationship (we truely were just friends, but in the girly way where we were very close & affectionate- at this point i didn't know i was even bi and she was straight) we did everything together we laid our head on eachother's shoulders and held hands/linked arms at the cinema etc then suddenly out of nowhere she began distancing and as soon as i stopped talking first we stopped talking period, at first i assumed it was because she was at this time making more muslim friends that i guess she had more in common with? and literally it wasn't a slow process it was a really quick cut off with no explanation and at that time i was in a p bad depressive episode so i didn't have the energy to text and at this point I was like... im not gonna chase you or beg for your friendship but i assumed eventually she would text me, then 3 weeks went by with no word from her, and now it's been almost 2 years and I still have no explanation and it does really bug me because how did we go from her turning up at my house when I cancelled plans for being sick so we could still hang out to me telling her I don't feel good and she just seems to be uncaring and dismissive hanging out with her other friend that day never asking me to join like we usually would, and we had friends who were being cunty to me so I cut them off and she did too without me ever asking her to do that and I never would, but she was angier than I was about the whole situation and told them if they don't fuck me with then they don't fuck with her and we used to be on the phone for literally 6 hours and almost every day and would call one another on the way home to make sure we didn't feel scared walking alone in the dark and I just don't understand how we went from that to nothing in such an instant (we didn't have any fallings out or arguments or anything, like it was genuinely out of nowhere) i always got the feeling since she had just replaced me and distanced herself once she began getting close with other Muslim girls who had more in common with her but at the samr time that really confuses me because we were so alike and had so much in common and religious separatism or cultural clashes NEVER happened with us she was always so happy to share that with me and I was happy to have it be shared and she was always so excited to dress me up in traditional pakistani clothes for her wedding and I would laugh at how obsessed she was with it and she would tell me how she would tell random people and her friends how pretty I am and. anyways it still torments me to this day that I never found out wtf happened and why she was so fine to just cut me out of her life with no warning it was really unlike her and tbh it broke my heart a lot and I can't decide whether I am truely over it or if I'm still upset. I definitely don't think of her as much as I used to and I'm literally a whole different person than I was and she probably is too but I still wonder what I would say if I were to ever see her again and because I'm petty this thought is what motivates me to keep my shit together and keep looking & being my best like does this not sound like- i really had my first heartbreak over a lost friendship huh :/ feels tho nothing else will ever hurt as much as that.

i wanna talk through something or just get this out of my head without being embarrassed about vulnerability (ew) and oversharing but ive literally never talked to anyone about it and im sick of it randomly popping into my head on bad days

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lesbian-ed · 7 years ago

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🌸Hi, a few years ago when I was 16 (19 now)I was forced out to my friends by this homophobic girl, and I came out as bi (still in the closet to my family), I'm no longer friends with any of them, but I can't figure out what label I should have, I really want to just know who I am. I said to them I was bi, but I've never felt right with that label. I read about comp het and it makes so much sense to me, but I still don't know. 1/5

🌸I feel, like, attracted to male celebs, but only when they’re in films or tv, and watching interviews of them ruins it?, and whenever I’m around guys I get these thoughts I can’t control about kissing them and sleeping with them and I feel rlly self conscious, I said this to a friend who said it’s a crush, but I get it with people I don’t like at all 2/?

🌸 And sometimes I have a phase where I feel like I could date a guy and marry him and have kids and be happy but it feels like I’m imagining a perfect version of me that actually im not like at all? And as well I can only imagine myself with a young guy, once I think about a 30 yr old or older I don’t want it anymore, but the perfect fantasy seems so appealing idk 3/?

🌸I feel different about girls but I don’t know I’m catholic and I feel like it’s always been other people are gay and that’s ok but not me? And I don’t know whether I feel no attraction to girls or I’m pushing it down bc when I see girls kiss on tv I literally have started crying and I saw a lesbian couple in public once and I got butterflies and also Ive found myself changing pronouns in songs in my head without realising but I’ve never had close to a crush on anyone especially not a girl 4/5

🌸Ive never even met a gay girl except for one pan girl at school but she was really weird and rude so I don’t know what it’s supposed to be like to like someone? writing this all down it makes it sound like I’m definitely a lesbian but that scares me so much bc ill never have a normal life and I can’t shake this feeling that actually I do want to be with a guy but I’m trying to be interesting or I’m faking this or something. Pls tell me your thoughts on this 5/5

Oh, anon. This literally all feels as if my younger self came into my ask box just now to ask for advice.

I understand your pain, I really do, I went through so many of the same thought processes you’re describing now. It’s good that you’re aware of compulsory heterosexuality, since I believe that will make sorting your feelings easier. Still, I recommend you look through our tag (if you haven’t already) to read more thoughts on this. It’ll help.

I obviously can’t tell you what your sexuality is for you, that’s your own journey to make, but this sounds so much like my own experience that I’m pretty sure what the answer is already.

Anon, let me tell you a story, I went to a catholic school and while my parents are pretty liberal and not that religious (in fact, my dad’s an atheist) I was also raised with the idea that ok, there were gay people out there, and I didn’t care what other people did with their lives! But honestly that was kind of weird and I couldn’t be like them, because they weren’t normal, like I should be. I was bullied a lot as a kid, because I was weird and ugly and way too shy and easy to pick on, so I grew up with this idea that whatever else happened, I had to stop being like that, I had to be beautiful and normal and acceptable. And that of course included a perfect fantasy of marrying the man of my dreams after he fell in love with men when I suddenly grew up to be the most beautiful woman there was, and having kids, and holding down a successful job that I was happy doing and having lots of money and well, just having the most perfect life. How could I not want that? Ever since I was old enough to walk, society fed me the idea that this was my ideal endgame, how could we ALL not dream about that at some point?

I used to be obsessed with those stories where the “ugly” girl suddenly turns beautiful and the Nice Perfect Popular Boy finally notices her and they get together, those stories were my dream life. As a kid and young teen I’d fantasize about them constantly, I’d make up characters that would always end up fulfilling those same tropes. It was the way to prove to all those who ever called me ugly or belittled me because I was nerdy that “see? I got the happy ending” so when I was twelve, and suddenly all the girls were having crushes on boys I felt nothing for, while I started noticing seemingly out of the blue just how incredibly beautiful so many girls my age and older were, I got veeery scared. I couldn’t like girls like that, I wasn’t like that, I was already weird and had no friends, so how could I ever hope to find a girl who liked girls who’d like me? And if I did, everyone already hated me, so how would I bear it? The stares and the insults and the danger we’d face if people saw us together on the street? So I pushed that attraction down as far as I could, I convinced myself I was actually just too inmature to start thinking about crushes and all that stuff, and obviously when I was mature enough and the time came, I’d like boys, because that’s what Normal Girls did right? And I had to be normal.

In my school’s equivalent of US’ eighth grade, a new boy came to our class, he was pretty, and friendly, and most importantly, blonde! and he was the school sports star! It felt like every movie-like fantasy I ever had come to life. Every girl was in love with him, so one time I had a dream where we were dating. I woke up being absolutely ecstatic, that must have meant I had a crush right? I liked a boy? I was definitely straight?

I never actually began feeling nervous around this boy, or looking at him any more than usual until I had this dream and decided that meant I was in love. I told a friend eventually because I was excited about being in love and the fantasy I had created for myself about our perfect relationship (which did involve us kissing and having sex, and I never actually felt turned on about it but I did imagine it a lot because it meant we were In Love, so those fantasies happen even if you don’t actually like like the person in question, dw!), and isn’t that what you do when you like someone? Gossip about it with your friends? She told some of my bullies and the dude found out, so he started laughing at me in the middle of the class and calling me ugly and saying he was traumatized at the mere idea of me liking him.

And I… felt nothing. I was angry of course, and sad, but it was just the same anger and sadness I felt when some random I didn’t like made fun of me, it wasn’t even like what I felt when former friends said nasty stuff about me. And I wanted to be heartbroken I wanted to wallow in the misery and the drama of it, but I just wasn’t, it was the same “well this shit sucks and I’m angry about it but it happens everyday so wyd?” There was no deeper feeling there, not even any special resentment, there was nothing. I never felt anything ever again when I looked at this boy.

Now, sometime later, the same boy starts dating a girl from our class, and it was around the same time that I was coming to terms with the fact that the latent attraction I had started to feel for women when I was younger had never actually gone away but rather had grown. Things were purely about sexual attraction for me at that point, not romantic feelings. I hadn’t actually been in love with a girl either by that point. Because even tho I was accepting my sexual attraction to women, I still had the idea in my mind that ideally I would end up with a boy, because when so much of my hopes for the future relied of me being beautiful and a man falling in love with me forever and ever so that I could have a normal future, letting go of that dream took a while. I called myself bisexual for a while, only to realize very little later that it didn’t actually fit me. When I did, it was hard, because I had to re-come out again to my mom and the two friends I had told, and that really scared me, because I felt like some fake, like what I felt was not actually real. I put it off, and my friends & mom were accepting but they also were like “you’re just confused about your sexuality!!/this is just a phase!!” so that fed into my insecurities. Even when I realized I was sexually into women only, I still hadn’t fallen in love with one, so that made things more confusing for me (I hadn’t fallen for any boy other than the one I mentioned earlier and one I met on a vacation that thought I liked for like a week because he had a pretty voice and was pretty androgynous lmao, but again, no heartbreak when he went away)

Eventually, (funnily enough through fandoms and f/f ships and fics that depicted them in loving relationships, And I cried when I read about girls kissing too, at first I thought it was because I was a Good Straight Ally, but I was just a lesbian lmao) I realized that I could also be happy in a relationship with a woman, that it was not only a possible future for me, but one that I wanted, one that felt right, one in which I wouldn’t be the beautiful, perfect, feminine, smart, succesful career woman I had dreamed of as a kid, but in which I’d be me, with all my quirks and faults, with another woman with her own quirks and faults who’d love me for who I am, because that was possible! It was possible to be happy like that!. When I realized this, that me liking girls romantically and sexually, and exclusively girls was okay, it felt like a veil was lifted from my eyes. Suddenly, all the feelings and attraction I had thought I had felt for boys paled in comparison to the intensity of what I felt for women, I learned what actual sexual desire was like, I yearned for a future with a real me in it with a real woman by my side, instead of the fake ideal I’d wanted to be when I was younger. It was around that time I fell in love for the first time.

Remember how I mentioned the boy I used to “like” got a girlfriend? Well, guess who I fell for? Me and her were assigned seats together one year in high school, and I got to know her through the first term, every time liking her more and more, until one day, she just walks into class, and I think she did something different with her hair? Whatever it was, seeing her felt like someone punching the breath out of me, it felt like watching literal perfection embodied. And I was gone, I was just so so sooo gone. I felt sparks when we sat next to each other, I couldn’t stop smiling like a fool whenever I looked at her, she’d say something nice to me and it felt like my soul was flying out of my body. And of course it was idealized, it was a crush on a girl I didn’t know that well, but the feelings I had, I had for her, for her actual personality, her actual sweetness, her actual kindness, even her actual rashness sometimes, not the fantasy I had made up of her that I projected onto her like I did when I “liked” her boyfriend. I liked her as a person. Plus the intensity of both crushes was just so fucking different. When I liked her, I cried when we were apart and at the thought of her with her dumbass idiot boyfriend, I listened to a love song and could relate to it for the first time. I understood finally why people would write poetry and songs and do all sorts of crazy things for this feeling.

Tldr: I also fantasized about the ideal boy and I was never able to allow myself to feel anything for a girl because of how much I had repressed my sexuality due to fear of backlash until I was able to recognize that yes, liking women was OK and then all my repressed feelings came pouring out like a tsunami.

If that sounds like something you can kind of relate to, then that’s your answer anon. However, it might not be, or maybe you don’t know if it is yet. That’s alright! Sexuality can be complicated and it can take a long time to figure it out. You’re not on a deadline here, you don’t have to stress about it.

As for the normal part, yeah being a lesbian in this society sucks a lot. And I still get terrified of the idea that I will not be “normal” and that I can never be happy. Even if I know deep in my heart that I can never be happy with a man, sometimes I wonder if it’d be worth it to spare me the pain. The answer? Hell no, I’ve got one life, one, what’s the point of wasting it on loveless unfulfilled relationships when I could try to go for someone I’ll actually be happy with? There’ll be pain, of course there will be, I live in a small town and I’ve only just started meeting other lesbians & bi girls offline this year because I’ve gone to university, and I’ve only ever actually started talking to and becoming actual friends with the ones I knew online this year too because I was so terrified before! All of them tell me about their hurt, and how lesbophobia affects them a lot, and yet I see them talking about how much they love their girlfriends/wives (I don’t have that because I’m an awkward potato but I’m trying) and also other lesbians, and it gives me hope, because I can be just like them, finding genuine happiness amidst the pain.

I hope this answer helps you.

Mod M :D

#anonymous #answered asks #advice #lesbophobia #positivity #lesbian positivity #mod m #original #mod m gets personal lmao #compulsory heterosexuality

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