#they ruined the mohair your honor

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[cksmart-world]

The completely unnecessary news analysis

by Christopher Smart

January 28, 2020

NIXING THE SPELL ON GOP TOADIES

& NPR — DEEP STATE PROPAGANDA ORGAN

Republican senators clearly are under some kind of hex or voodoo spell that makes them believe Donald Trump is Ulysses S. Grant and should not be impeached. There are sure signs of such a spell: their eyes dart wildly, like an eight-year-old lying about cookies and they say stuff that doesn't make any sense, like, “Nobody gives a f--k about Ukraine.” Baffled, the staff here at Smart Bomb reached out to the princess of black magic, Mistress Marie Laveau, who explained how to break an evil spell: The first thing, of course, is to get a bucket of chicken's blood from Mitch McConnell's place in Kentucky. This is a challenge since his chickens have yet to come home to roost. Stir in hair from Mike Lee and a dead cat. The dead cat part will be much easier. In fine-point Sharpie, write Mitt Romney's name on a bay leaf and stir in with the feet of a spotted Natterjack Toad, a pinch of salt. Bring to a boil. Let cool and with a Filbert brush apply the mixture to little dolls of Susan Collins, Lamar Alexander and Lisa Murkowski so they can move their lips to say, “We want witnesses.” Then drip wax from a black candle on pictures of Mitch McConnell, Lyndsey Graham and Rand Paul. Get a copy of “Watergate,” by Daniel Cohen and open it to where Nixon says, “I'm no crook.” On cue, ring a bell, shut the book and blow out the candle. This is not guaranteed to break the spell, but it's a lot more meaningful than watching those poor, lost souls on TV re-enacting a Stalin show trial.

UTAH: A TWO-PARTY STATE — SORT OF

Here behind the Zion Curtain, we have the Republican Party that dictates our way of life during secret meetings at the State Legislature. And we have another political entity that really isn't a party but a group of people who organize and sign petitions, aimed at undoing stuff like taxing food, nixing Medicaid expansion and denying sick people medical marijuana. If Utah were a two-party state, things would be different, of course. But the Democratic Party is a ghost of times-past on account of many tithe-paying Mormons would never vote for a Democrat — ever. Democrats are evil people who believe in stuff like women's reproductive rights, freedom from gun violence and the right to marry whomever you choose. Last week, citizens — who we shall call the Pissed Off Party — ruined Gov. Gary Herbert's day by forcing him to throw in the towel on that “wonderful” tax package the legislature rammed through in a special session last year. And Speaker of the House Brad Wilson couldn't believe the audacity of the petitioners. They should just stick it.The Pissed Off Party gathered 152,000 signatures on a petition stating that the amazing new tax plan was amazing for all the wrong reasons. Although opponents of sales tax on food can breathe a sigh of relief and enjoy a momentary victory, our elected Republican lawmakers aren't done. They'll be back with another tax overhaul that will be even better. You see, they know what's best and the poor should pay taxes. Ain’t that right, Brad.

NPR — DEEP STATE PROPAGANDA ORGAN

National Public Radio spreads liberal information that is a threat to ignorance. And  now they've gone and pissed off Donald Trump, the most truthful president since Lincoln. What caught Trump's ire was a report by NPR correspondent Marie Louise Kelly, where she had the audacity to ask Secretary of State Mike Pompeo why he didn't stand up for Marie Yavonovich, the former ambassador to Ukraine. The veteran diplomat was knee-capped by Rudy Guliani and his merry band of thugs at the behest of his client, Mr. Trump, because Yavonovich was in the way of a scheme to implicate Joe Biden in a made-for-TV scandal. Pompeo insisted he stood up for everyone far and wide and then gave the reporter a tongue-lashing with expletives for being a total shithead and asking him hard questions he didn't want to answer. Who does Marie Louise Kelly think she is anyway? In a statement prepared later, Pompeo called Kelly a vicious liar who, like the rest of her ilk, is unhinged and determined to destroy the president. Awakened by the thunder clap, Mr. Trump, himself, tweeted that the nonprofit NPR is a “big-government, Democrat Party propaganda operation” and hinted at defunding it. After all, why should taxpayers help underwrite the Enemy of the People who don't operate in Trump's reality.

WHERE'S BIGFOOT?

Hold on to your binoculars, Big Foot has been sighted — again. According to the British tabloid, The Sun, a family out for a walk Jan. 5 in the Canadian wilderness caught sight of the mysterious Sasquatch and captured it on video. The clip, uploaded on Youtube is titled: "Remarkable footage shows a huge Bigfoot walking through the Canadian wilderness." And sure enough, there is a shadowy figure of something with a silhouette like Greg Hughes in a mohair suit. One viewer wrote in to affirm the evidence: “You would be ignorant to say there is no Bigfoot.” There's even a Big Foot Lunch Club in Portland, Ore. with a website, bigfootlunchclub.com (We are not making this up.) But Wilson and the guys in the band had to wonder why, after all these years no one has caught old Sasquatch? Is Bigfoot real or just a folk tale, kinda like Trickle Down Economics? In 2018, alone, there were 12 — count 'em, 12 — Bigfoot sightings. And one year ago, Sasquatch was spotted in the foothills near BYU. But none of the witnesses would come forward for fear of running afoul of the school's dreaded Honor Code Office, which frowns on many things, including hallucinogens.

Post Script — What a week. Things have been so crazy that Wilson and the band have exceeded their self-imposed weed allotment and have taken to listening to Norman Greenbaum's “Spirit In The Sky” at full volume. Meanwhile, pundits are complaining bitterly about the Grammys and the Oscars for a host of reasons that all lead back to white men, who control everything. According to critics, they are sexist, power-mongers who care about nothing but money and status. Yes, it does sound a lot like the U.S. Senate — the difference, of course, is that people pay attention to the Grammys and Oscars. All this is happening while the Sundance Film Festival is busting at the seams in Park City. Kerry Washington, Ethan Hawke, Glenn Close, Toni Collette and a whole flock of celebrities are making it THE place to be the last week of January. And if all that star power weren't enough, Hillary Clinton showed up. Yes, that Hillary Clinton. She was on hand to pimp a new, four-part Hulu documentary series all about how everyone has been mean to her. And it's true — the Republicans fed Hillary into their hate machine in 1992 and have yet to hit the pause button. It's gone so far that leading Republicans, including Newt Gingrich, want her hanged for treason because she hid classified emails. The staff here at Smart Bomb has not seen the Hillary doc yet, but we hope former Utah Congressman Jason Chaffetz gets his due. As chairman of the House Oversight Committee, he investigated Hillary and Benghazi more times than you can count on the toes of a sleeping sloth. But Jason's political career came to a swift and unexpected end when Donald Trump won the presidency (if not the popular vote). As Oversight chairman, he would be charged with investigating the bon vivant and reality star turned president. Fortunately, Jason had to spend more time with his grown children and couldn't stick around for the job he was elected to do. And so it goes.

OK, Wilson, wake up the band and take us out with a little something for our Republican friends in the U.S. Senate:   When logic and proportion / Have fallen sloppy dead / And the White Knight is talking backwards / And the Red Queen's “off with her head”/ Remember what the Dormouse said / Feed your head / Feed your head...

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