#they r always hyperaware of me and completely clueless at the same time

[rinsoap]

ngl i would rather be called a slur than be stuck in a room full of white ppl being the only poc there

[machihunnicutt]

On Cacti, Adult Braces, and Sunshine

Chapter 1 

(Or read on ao3.)

It was raining, he had a hangover, and he hadn't bothered to change out of his sweatpants and paint stained hoodie. It wasn't a good day to go to the greenhouse but he owed Zoe a favor and he'd put it off too long anyway. She was out of town on a trip with the university debate team and she'd asked him to buy her a couple of tomato plants for Alana's birthday surprise. Her girlfriend Alana had always wanted a garden and now that they had their own place Zoe was going to surprise her with one while she was doing her semester abroad. She'd be back just in time for the surprise.

Connor had been tasked with the purchase of said plants because the greenhouse was having a sale. Connor wasn't a plant person. He'd killed a bean plant in third grade and the garden he and Zoe had as kids was always overrun with weeds. Nevertheless, he pulled his hoodie over his head and went out into the rain.

"Hi, welcome to Sun's Greenhouse how can I help you?" Connor's eyes were trained on his phone, double checking to make sure Zoe hadn't specified some weird type of tomatoes.

"Hey," he said, looking up at the boy in front of him. He promptly froze because said boy was ridiculously cute. His light colored, vaguely mussed hair and freckles greeted him inquisitively. He had a blue polo beneath his green apron and a planter full of flowers in his hands. "Oh, um...shit. I'm looking for some tomato plants." He was hyperaware of the fact that he was soaking wet and in his sweats.

"Oh! For the sale." Flower boy grinned. "Right over here."

Connor followed him to a corner of the greenhouse. "They've been p-pretty p-popular lately," he continued. Connor noticed his slight stutter and glanced at the tomato plants he was pointing to. He opened his phone and snapped a few photos to send to Zoe for confirmation.

"Thanks," Connor said, giving Flower Boy a half smile, no teeth.

"Are they a gift?" He asked, brow furrowing.

"Oh, we'll sort of. My sister is going to surprise her girlfriend with a vegetable garden and she asked me to pick up the tomatoes for her. I don't really know what I'm doing."

"That's so sweet," Flower Boy replied. "I'm Evan. It's n-nice to meet you."

"I'm Connor," he said.

"Connor," Evan repeated. He smiled again and Connor was extremely gay. "Can I h-help you with anything else?"

"I...uh." He wished he could recall anything about plants but instead continued muttering like an idiot. "Um, well I don't have any um...any houseplants you know? Do you have any recommendations?"

"Yeah!" He looked so excited Connor's chest felt warm and the water in his shoes didn't feel nearly as uncomfortable. "I can show you some succulents if you want? I love them. They're really easy to maintain and look really nice. I've got so many in my apartment my roommate sat me down for an intervention."

There were worse interventions but Connor laughed. "Okay. I'd love that thanks."

Evan led him to the succulents, making small talk on the way. "It's r-really coming down out there huh?"

"Yeah, I got kinda drenched." He smoothed the hair out of his face "It hasn't been the best day but it's getting better now."

"Good," Evan said. "I'm glad. So what do you think? You seem like a cactus guy to me."

Connor laughed again. Flower Boy was good at making him laugh. "Sure, that's one way to say it." He looked around at the tiny cacti and other purple, green, and bluish plants. They looked friendly, even oddly calming. No wonder Evan collected them. "I'll take this one," he said, picking up a cute cactus to his left.

"Good choice!" He exclaimed. Connor swore this boy spoke like the human embodiment of sunshine. "I'm checking you out. I mean I uh I can c-check you out at the r-register."

"Yeah." Connor watched Evan's face go pink. Connor bought two tomato plants and the cactus which Evan helped him carry to his car.

"Thanks Evan. It was nice to meet you."

"Likewise," Evan said. His eyes were squinty and his nose was scrunched in the sunlight.

"Hey...um." Murphy just spit it out you're being stupid. "I may be way off base here and you can stop me if I am but do you think I could get your number?"

Evan's eyes widened.

"In case I have any cactus questions you know?"

"Right! Yeah of c-course." Connor handed over his phone and watched as Evan typed out his number with nervous hands.

"Thanks. See you around Evan."

"Bye Connor." *** Evan Hansen noted that the weather the rest of the week was much better. Whenever he had free time he pulled his phone out of his apron pocket and looked at the lone message from Connor Murphy: Hey Evan, it's the clueless cactus boy from the greenhouse. - Connor Murphy

He'd texted back a smiley face but nothing more in the three days since Connor had come for the tomato plants. Okay, so maybe he thought he was kind of cute. It wasn't a big deal. Cute boys game into the greenhouse all the time: soft, hipster types who were pretending to be more enthusiastic than they actually were about starting an organic garden. Connor wasn't like that though. His long hair and hoodie gave off a rougher vibe. He couldn't be sure when he was wearing sweatpants and a tired expression but Evan guessed he was more punk than hipster. That's why he'd suggested the cactus. Connor Murphy seemed prickly in the same way, though underneath of course a cactus was still a plant. And Evan loved plants.

He'd gotten this job to make some extra cash during the slower parts of the school year. Now his sophomore year was nearly done and he'd been steadily picking up shifts as summer vacation neared. It was a good place for an environmental science major, and the brunt of the social interaction concerned gardening which Evan was more than comfortable discussing.

He hoped Connor would come back. Every time a new customer came in the door he looked up, poised for it to be him. He gave Jared this look when he entered the greenhouse.

"Why are you looking at me like that Ev? You forgot your lunch." Jared held up a paper bag with Evan's name on it. "I thought I'd run it by before my next class."

"Thanks," he replied, taking the bag. "I thought you might be someone else."

Jared grinned slyly. "Who? Emo cactus boy? You think he's gonna come back to flirt some more?"

Evan flushed and shook his head thoroughly. "He wasn't flirting. He just said he might have plant questions."

"Oh, okay," Jared said, unconvinced. He picked up a pot of flowers and sniffed them absently. "Plant questions, sure. It's always best to consult an expert and not Google. Can't leave anything to chance y'know."

"Go to class Jared," he said. "Thanks for my lunch."

"No problemo mi amigo," he replied, accent heinous despite his Spanish minor.

Connor Murphy walked in 10 minutes later. He looked different this time: different hoodie (despite the heat of the day), black skinny jeans, combat boots, and long hair tied into a bun. Evan had been right, he noticed as Connor's black painted nails came into view: he wasn't a hipster.

"Hi Evan," he said when Evan conveniently made his way to where he was standing. "How are you?"

"I'm good," he replied. "My r-roommate brought me m-my lunch." He held up the bag in explanation and narrowly avoided cringing at the way his words stumbled.

"Oh," Connor said. It might've been his imagination but Connor sounded kind of disappointed. "I was going to ask if you wanted to grab some food with me on your lunch break. I can try another day."

"No!" Evan sputtered too quickly and much too loudly. "I mean, I could do that. My lunch is just an apple and some crackers anyway."

"That's no lunch for a human being."

"Well I'm not much of a human being," Evan replied, momentarily considering that his brand of mildly self deprecating humor might be off putting.

Instead Connor Murphy laughed and for the first time since he'd met him he got a good look at his mouth. Even when Connor smiled he'd keep his lips closed. But now, unguarded, he could see Connor's braces full view. He had dark blue rubber bands on them and when he caught Evan staring he quickly closed his mouth.

"Your braces are really cute," he said dumbly and then realized how ridiculous and gay that sounded. "Sorry," he amended.

"I hate them," he muttered. "I should've gotten them years ago but when I was a kid I threw fits every time I went to the dentist. My parents didn't want to risk a lawsuit if I bit someone's arm off. When I got older I got sick of my crooked ass teeth. They don't really fit with my aesthetic," he said, gesturing to the rest of his outfit. "I think they make me look 12."

"Well I'd love to have lunch with you. My break is in 15 minutes."

"I can wait." He smiled again, braces visible.

Evan tried very hard not to completely panic in those 15 minutes. He went back to his usual task of watering the flowers and organizing the seed packets beside the register. Connor wandered about, inspecting the succulents and eyeing the vegetables he'd neglected on his previous visit. Evan went into the back room to take off his apron and clock out. He stopped by the bathroom and splashed some water in his face, staring back at his nervous, freckled expression. He smoothed the wrinkles of his shirt (today a green t-shirt advertising his high school's environmental protection club, of which he'd been urged into the vice presidency for,) and went out to meet Connor Murphy.

"I spotted some food trucks nearby. We could walk to one of them if you want? I figured it would be kinda creepy to drive you somewhere considering we've only just met," Connor said as he held open the door for him. "You in the mood for tacos?"

Evan nodded. The Mexican food truck down the street had good pineapple soda.

While they stood in line Connor turned to him purposefully. "So, I didn't come just to buy you lunch. I actually have several cactus questions."

"Of course!" Evan mentally noted that Connor had implied he'd be paying for Evan's food and briefly considered what that meant about the nature of this interaction.

"I think I'm killing Harold...that's what I named him." He pulled his phone out of his pocket and handed over a picture of a cactus that was beginning to rot at the base, causing the whole plant to tilt slightly.

"Oh no," Evan muttered, examining the dying plant sympathetically. "You need to make sure to k-keep him in the s-sunlight and only water him when the top of the soil is completely dry. You want to make sure the water has a place to drain off so he isn't sitting in it. It's m-my fault I should have t-told you that before."

"No it's not. I'm just a lazy piece of shit who could've googled it but didn't." Connor smiled again and Evan was thankful he no longer seemed so insecure about the braces.

When they got to the front of the line Connor ordered tacos and Evan ordered the chicken quesadillas and a pineapple soda (which prompted Connor to add a pineapple soda for himself as well.) Connor paid and Evan thanked him profusely. He chalked it up to pay back for the cactus advice, to which Evan said he would've given him it for free. They sat on the curb to eat. Evan took small sips of his soda so he wouldn't choke and embarrass himself.

"So what do you do when you aren't working Evan? Wait first of all what's your last name?"

"Hansen," he replied.

"Evan Hansen," Connor Murphy repeated.

"I'm a student at the university. I'm studying environmental science."

"That sounds rad Hansen," Connor replied. "I'm an architecture major. Are you a sophomore too?"

"Yeah." It was unnerving to think that in a few weeks he'd be a junior. As for what came after college Evan had only vague and panic outlined ideas.

Connor took a bite of his taco and a good portion of its contents slipped out. "Fuck, this always happens."

Evan laughed. "Thanks again. I was w-worried you w-weren't going to show up again."

"Are you kidding? I mean I didn't try to kill Harold but if I hadn't I would've made up some excuse to come back and see you."

Evan's ears felt hot.

"And I'm glad you said the thing about the braces," he muttered. "I thought they might be a deal breaker."

"Have they been before?" He asked, taken aback.

"I mean, I've been making out with guys at clubs and they'll freak out when the metal pokes them or whatever. And some people automatically assume I'm 13 or something."

"Oh," Evan said stupidly "That's shitty." He wondered if he should admit that he'd never set foot in a club or kissed, let alone made out with anyone.

Connor shrugged "It's my own damn fault for not getting them when I was a kid like a normal person."

There were a lot of things normal people did that Evan missed out on growing up. He never went to amusement parks (though his mom suggested) or school field trips to the zoo because the crowds made his skin crawl and brain shut down. He hadn't gotten his driver's license because he was afraid of other drivers honking at him and it had taken him enough time to acclimate to the city bus anyway. He'd never had a boy like Connor Murphy buy him lunch before. There were a lot of things Evan knew he'd be able to do if he was just a normal kid.

"It's still shitty," he said instead.

Connor looked at him. "Yeah, it still is."

When they were finished eating and Evan's lunch break was drawing to a close they walked back to the greenhouse.

"Thanks for your help," Connor said. "And for eating with me."

"It's n-no problem. I should be thanking y-you."

Connor shielded the sun from his eyes with a nail polished hand and squinted at him. "I'll call you," he said. "Or you can call me. If you want I mean. If you want me to just leave you alone that's okay too but you should probably tell me now so I don't get my hopes up."

"You should c-call me. Or I'll call y-you." Evan smiled, though it probably looked weird given the fact that he was so desperately trying to keep it from looking weird. "I'll see you later Connor."

"Bye Evan Hansen." *** Connor laid back on his bedspread after aiming the three plug in fans he had in his bedroom at it. He was only half clothed (running shorts and one sock he was too tired to pull off his foot) but the AC in his and Zoe's house was broken and the overbearing heat made everything seem slower and impossibly sluggish. He doubted he could sit up at this moment even if he wanted to. Instead of trying he pulled out his phone and scrolled through his messages with Evan. They'd been texting back and forth for a week and a half now, several nights until 2 am.

It was just stupid stuff: questions back and forth, pictures of Harold the cactus, memes he thought would make him laugh. Evan Hansen was funny when he wanted to be and really sweet. He was about to text him again but his eyes were tired and he thought it might be better to just call. He sucked in a nervous breath. He hadn't really called. He was kind of stalling. Calling meant asking Evan out on a real date at some point. And Connor wasn't sure he could handle that. He was good at letting good things go to shit.

"H-hey Connor," Evan said when he picked up. He sounded nervous too.

"Hey Ev. It is so hot in my house I think my face is melting."

"Oh, no what happened?" The surprise and nervousness quickly subsided as Evan transitioned into their normal back and forth.

"My AC's out. I've got every fan in the house pointed at me. When my sister gets home she's going to be pissed."

"What does your sister study?" He'd told him a little about Zoe before.

"Psychology. She says she wants to help kids like the little angsty screw up that was me. I'm proud of her."

"I'm sure you weren't a screw up Connor." There he went again, saying sweet stuff.

"What are you doing right now?" He asked, fumbling with the ties on his shorts.

"Don't laugh."

"Why would I laugh?"

"I'm knitting my roommate a scarf."

"It's 90 degrees outside!"

"His birthday's in October. It takes me a long time to make scarves so I start them early. I used to get really anxious about messing up my stitches every knitting project and I'd try too hard to concentrate and not have any fun. Now I just make sure to go slowly and be patient with myself. I'm s-sorry that sounds like some dumb kid's show message."

"No, I like it. That's a good way to think about it Ev. It's a good way to think about most things."

There was a pause, not an uncomfortable one, a friendly pause in which Connor tried to picture what Evan looked like knitting.

"Hey, so I know we don't know each other that well but I wanted to ask if you'd want to come to my sister's girlfriend's birthday/welcome home party this Saturday. It's pretty low key, just some of our friends. We're going to barbecue and have cake and stuff. She's the one I bought the tomato plants for. And the AC should be fixed by then don't worry." He realized he'd been talking for too long and stopped.

"I'd love to Connor. I have all Saturday off anyway."

"Great! Um, if you give me your address I can pick you up early and we can hang out a little. That is if you don't mind coming to the grocery store with me and putting streamers up in my living room."

"I don't m-mind. Just let me know when."

"Okay I'll text you. Thanks a lot Ev. I'm excited." He was probably coming off as too eager but he didn't care.

"Me too. Bye Connor."

"Bye Evan." *** Evan liked that Connor Murphy said what he was feeling, or at least he seemed to. He could also definitely be a good liar but Evan hoped not.

Evan wasn't great at reading people. Social cues sometimes felt lost in translation and he'd never been great at detecting eye roles and inside jokes. When Connor Murphy was excited to see him he told him so.

He also liked that Connor called him by a nickname already. He'd asked if it was okay via text, which he'd also appreciated. He liked the way everything Connor did seemed warm. It seemed to him that he didn't look on the inside like he did on the outside. But then again Evan had only known him a couple of weeks.

Connor pulled up at Evan's house at 4:30. He made sure to answer the door before Jared could get to it. He smiled wide, God the braces were cute, and asked him how he was.

"G-good. I'm really good th-thanks."

He was wearing a black Hawaiian shirt with pink flowers and teal leaves. It was just tacky enough to be cute. Evan stopped staring at the shirt and back up at his eyes.

"Can I see your succulent collection?"

"Absolutely, come in." Connor Murphy said all the right things.

He led him to his room carefully, praying it wasn't a terrible mess when he opened the door to reveal the neat row of succulents on the window sill and on the shelf he'd installed above it. They'd started spilling into other places in his room like his desk and end table. He had 13 so far.

"Wow." Evan noticed nervously that Connor was inspecting his room first: from his pastel pink sheets to the Ansel Adams tree photo on his wall. "That's a lot of nice looking plants." It sounded like something Jared would say sarcastically but Connor sounded sincere.

"Th-thanks."

"I like your room."

"Thanks," he repeated. "Should we go?"

Connor nodded. "Zoe gave me a list: veggie dogs and burgers, paper products, streamers, balloons, ice cream sandwiches." He waggled an eyebrow. "The usual."

The grocery store had never been fun before. He always managed to get lost or drop something or stutter ridiculously at the checkout. It was fun this time. Connor enumerated a stupidly long list of pros and cons for each brand of veggie dog and raced him down the chip aisle. He tried to guess Evan's favorite cereal (apple cinnamon Cheerios, he got it on the 5th try.) When they pulled up to Connor's house Evan had almost forgotten why he was so nervous in the first place...almost.

He helped Connor carry the bags inside and into the kitchen. The house was bright and clean in a way that hinted at piles of clutter stuffed in closets.

"Hey Con! Did you bring the cute greenhouse boy?" Who he presumed was Zoe Murphy waltzed into the kitchen and smiled excitedly at him. They had the same dark hair that fell untamed around their shoulders and arching brows that made them look like they had secrets. Evan Hansen was very bi.

"You did!"

"Zoe," Connor hissed.

"I'm Zoe Murphy. It's nice to meet you.

"Evan Hansen, n-nice to meet you t-too," he replied.

"Thanks for helping my doofus brother. He saves everything until the last minute. Do you wanna see some pictures of little Connor?"

"Zoe!" His voice leapt up an octave and Evan stifled a laugh.

"Sure."

"No, not sure!" Zoe winked and grabbed Evan by the hand.

She handed him a photo album full of tiny Connor Murphy in a variety of dance outfits.

"He was quite the little tap prodigy," she laughed. "Oh god look at how dorky he looks." She pointed to a photo of Connor in a red sequined vest. Evan couldn't stop smiling.

"He's adorable," he replied.

She handed him another album. "This one's from middle school. You look through it while I check on the balloon situation." She darted out of the room.

It took Evan a moment to pick out middle school Connor Murphy. He was shorter, acne ridden, and scowled in nearly every photo. He was also considerably chubbier and quite without the sequins.

"Et tu Brutus?" Evan looked up at Connor smirking in the doorway. "We've known each other, what? Two weeks? And you've got all the embarrassing snapshots of my youth."

"In my defense you were a really cute kid," he blurted. Connor took a seat beside him and grimaced at the photo of him and Zoe at what appeared to be her birthday party.

"I was the chubby kid with acne in middle school, the scary loner kid—not so chubby but just as ostracized—in high school, and Mr. Adult Braces now in college." He eyed Evan, maybe trying to gauge his reaction. "The acne never really went away."

"Well I was the kid who talked so little people thought he was mute in middle school, the plant nerd with no friends in high school, and I don't know what in college: maybe I'm just nothing." It was supposed to be a joke but it came out harsher now.

"Well you're certainly not nothing," Connor said. His expression was sad and sincere.

"And you were really cute."

Connor laughed. "Pre-glow up, I'm sure you're in the minority who share that opinion. Though I suppose technically I'm still in the process of glowing up." Connor stared at him for a second and Evan stared back.

"I'm gonna heat up the grill for later. Do you wanna help me with streamers after?"

"Sure," he replied, setting down the photo album. "I think I can handle that."

He watched Connor stretch to tape rainbow streamers to the ceiling and ran out of breath blowing up balloons with him and his sister. He threw out a few song ideas for the playlist (to which both Murphys had enthusiastic responses), and he sampled one of Zoe's world famous Oreo cake balls. By the time the party was set to start he felt like he'd known the Murphy siblings for years.

Connor told him it wasn't a huge ordeal: just a few of his, Zoe, and Alana's friends and more food than was likely necessary. Zoe had to pick her up from the airport and bring her back for the surprise.

Connor pulled him behind the couch when it was time to hide and they crouched down close together. "Thanks for coming," he muttered shortly before they all shouted surprise.

"Thanks for inviting me."

Alana was nice. She was thrilled at the garden and the party but most of all she was thrilled to have Zoe Murphy beside her. He didn't think she let go of her hand once the entire night.

Connor wasn't bad at grilling. He looked out of place in his black wardrobe and skinny jeans, hovering over the veggie burgers like a suburban dad.

Evan had a veggie dog, two of the cake balls, and split an ice cream sandwich with Connor. He was just starting to get sleepy watching Connor flip the next batch of burgers when Zoe came over.

"Phone for you," she said to her brother. "It's dad." Connor's carefree expression clouded.

"Sorry Ev, could you keep an eye on these for a second?"

"Sure." Connor took the phone and nodded at him with a weak smile before ducking back inside the house.

"Everything okay?" He asked Zoe.

She laughed nervously. "They don't get along very well. But he has to talk to him sometime right? He is his dad."

"I wouldn't know much about that," he replied. He didn't know where the bitterness in his voice had come from. He didn't know why he'd said anything at all.

Zoe was giving him a concerned look and he felt bad so he elaborated. "Sorry, I d-didn't mean to...my dad left my family when I was little."

"I'm sorry Evan."

He shrugged. "It's whatever."

"No it's not. That's really shitty Evan."

He smiled slightly. "Yeah it is."

It took Connor 18 minutes to talk to his father. When he came back his hands were shaking and he looked pale. he gave Zoe her phone back and snapped at her when she asked if there was something wrong. She didn't seem phased.

The party was winding down. "I can drive you home if you want," Connor said tightly.

"Alright," he replied, not daring to ask if he was okay. Connor's fists were clenched at his sides and it looked like his fingernails were digging into the flesh of his palms.

The ride back to Evans place was silent. Doubt and nervousness twisted in the pit of his stomach. It had been such a great day up until now. Then again maybe it was all just in Evan's head.

"I'm sorry I fucked things up right at the end," Connor said finally. His eyes were trained on the road.

"You didn't," he cut in. "Zoe said things weren't great with your dad so I get it. I'm n-not gonna blame you for family s-stuff coming up."

Connor let out a breath. "Still, I wanted things to be all good today."

"Things are never all good with me. I don't expect that from you." Connor looked over at him.

"You have secrets Garden Boy?"

"If crippling anxiety counts as a secret then yeah."

Connor laughed. "My dad and I just don't see eye to eye."

"On what?"

Connor seemed to consider this for a moment.

"You know like when you feel sick but you don't look sick and someone doesn't believe you?" He began. "So you think maybe if you just throw up right where they can see it they'll believe you and since you want to be believed so much you don't go get medicine or drink tea to make you feel less nauseous. You just wait until it gets so bad that you do throw up. And afterward you feel good because now the person can't deny that you're sick. It's right in front of them. But you also feel bad because you're still sick. You were always sick even if he didn't see it." Connor ran a hand through his hair. "I spent a lot of time trying to prove how sick I was to my dad."

"That sounds exhausting." Maybe he had more in common with Connor Murphy than he realized.

"It is."

They'd reached Evan's place and it had started raining, a torrential downpour that seemed to come out of nowhere. After a futile search in the backseat for an umbrella, Connor said he'd brave the rain with him and walk him to the porch.

"Thanks," Connor repeated. His hair was plastered to his forehead from the rain. He was very close.

"You're welcome," Evan said. He felt himself leaning in. God, did he want to kiss Connor Murphy. What would it be to kiss a boy like him in the rain? With Evan's luck he might cut his lip on his braces.

"I should go," Connor said, and Evan stopped leaning. "I'll call you," he added. There was water dripping down his nose. He wasn't going to kiss him.

"Okay. Bye," he said dumbly. He felt like Connor's rotting cactus. He watched him get back in his car and drive away. It smelled like earth the way it always did when it rained but tonight it wasn't comforting. He waited until he could tug the disappointment off of his face before he went inside. His feet swam in his damp socks. Things were never all good.