#they prob won't ever see the light of day

[kurlyfrasier]

*sigh* I have multiple, unfinished Mando fics.

[werewolfsmile]

when the current hyperfixation won't leave you alone, you write fanfic for it.

arthur morgan, you beautiful bastard, i will fix things for you if it's the last thing i do.

[chrispotatos]

forever - matt sturniolo

vampire!matt × human!reader

summary: your dad wants to meet your bf that you love so dearly thats also a vampire, the only problem is your dads a hunter.

a/n: the vampire traits i wrote for this is the same ones from vampire diaries.

warning: fluff, smut, p in v (unprotected), fingering, slight angst, reader gets turned into vampire

a/n: probably the longest thing i ever wrote (it's prob not that long and im just being extra)

my father wanted to meet the boy i stay out with so late, the one that never feels the need to come over and always invite me over to his house instead, the one i never shut up about. my boyfriend matt.

me and matt were on his bed laying in the dark room the only thing that kept it lit was the sun, that was now setting while it rained.

"my dad wants to meet you, you know?" i tell him picking my head up a little to see his reaction. "you mean kill me" he joked raising his brows at me

i scoff at his response and lay my head back down on his chest. "he won't kill you"

i didn't really believe myself, i mean my dad was a hunter and he hated vampires with a burning passion so i wouldn't really know.

"when does he wanna meet me?" a smile comes across my face as excitement coarsed through my body from his words. he was gonna actually be meeting my father

"any day will do but lets try friday" i squeal and move up to hug him and pepper kisses all over his face. "okay no" instead of laying on him like before i sit next to his laying figure (lowkey what it's serving but less dramatic)

i giggle tucking some hair that slipped into my face behind my ear to admire matts very much changed but perfect features. he definitely wasn't the same boy as before but who would really be the same after dying then coming back and having to deal with everything not only that but live for enternity.

"what's on your mind?" he asked placing a hand on my thigh, his thumb caressing it lightly "you actually" a smile coated my face at the truth "yeah?" his words came out as a low grumble.

he pulled my face in for a kiss with both his hands, he start placing kisses to my jaw leading down to my neck directly next to my pulse sucking on my skin. that was until i felt his fangs graze my flesh "matt" i said in a warning tone.

"m' sorry" he kissed my lips again the contact of his soft lips on mine, while making out matt helps my body straddle his laying one.

he waisyed no time to grab my hips and making me grind against his clothed dick, i could feel him getting harder underneath me making me smile against his lips.

"i need to feel you so bad" matt whined, breaking away from the kiss.

he pulls my shorts and panties down half way, just to have enough access to slip two of his fingers down to my pussy and slowly pushing his cold, slender fingers into me. the coldness of his fingers against my warm walls make me jolt my hips upward a bit; away from his fingers for a bit then letting him finish working his finger inside me.

he curled his fingers inside of me hitting a spot that made the knot in my stomach clench "holy fuck" i whimper out as he moves his fingers.

my eyes squeeze feeling his thumb adding pressure against my clit rubbing it in circular motion. "close- im close" i babble out.

i felt him remove his finger and i shoot my eyes open "i want you to ride me sweetheart" he sits up against the headboard pulling his pants and underwear down past his thighs.

i run my finger over his tip, a light gasp elicits from matts lips. he tries to move his hips up into my hand but my body straddling his restraints the actions "i don't wanna wait anymore" he complained

"ok, ok" i hover myself over the tip of his dick then sink down on it. i rock my hips back and forth a bit, my head rest on his shoulder; clenching a few times trying to adjust.

"there ya go" he praises bringing his hands to my hips encouraging movement. i rut my hips forward, now starting to bounce on his dick another groan coming from matt.

i bite my lips trying to contain the orgasm about to wash over me so suddenly. it doesn't take a while before his tip hits my g-spot making me move at a more rapid pace. "im gonna cum" i breath out going down one more time and realese all over him some of the warm liquid slipping out of me. i collapse leaning against him "fuck" i muttered.

i pull off of him and stroke his cock listening to his whimpers until he releases all over my hand, a smirk creeps on my lips when i see his jaw slacked and eyes screwed shut from the immense pleasure. his heaving breaths falling into low pants.

i grab his shirt that he took off, from the floor and clean him up "really my shirt?" i give him a glare and he shoots me one back.

i throw the shirt back to the floor done already. i put my clothes back on and so does matt, he changes the sheets and blankets to a different black set and we settle back into bed cuddling back into eachothers arms again.

"i love you" he spoke breaking the comfortable silence between us "love you more"

"really?"

"of course i do, i love you more than my whole being" i reassure him.

"would you mind loving me forever.." his words came out as a slight whisper when reaching the end of his sentence.

i sit up from my laying postion "what are trying to say?" my eyebrows knit in faux confusion trying not to crack a smile. i knew he probably wanted to turn me but i wanted to hear him say it.

"i want you to be a vampire with me but only if you want to" he said making immense eye contact with me "I'll think about it" i nod assuring myself and whatever of him that actually believed this was something hard to think on.

---

next day

it's a quiet afternoon, it was chilly so i made sure to wear a coat on the way to the sturniolos household.

i ran the rest of the way there when the sun started setting because it gets pretty eerie at night more than usual now that i know vampires are around here.

i knock on the front door and am met with nick, matts brother. "is matt home?" i question trying to catch my breath "yeah he's in his room" he stepped to the side letting me by.

there house was very nice, and it was larger than most of the ones in our neighborhood but also not that well lit i notice it's only candles lighting everything. i walk into matts room to see him sitting by his window, turning his head as i make my entrance.

"im ready." i admit fiddling with my fingers and avoidinghis gaze. he got up from his window sill with a small smile but it slowly faded "you sure?"

"yes" i nod along with my words "no y/n i mean are you sure you know what you're getting yourself into. are you sure you want this. are you sure you'll be able to love me for the rest of your life. are you sure?"

i take his words into consideration and im sure about all of it. he's my person i considered him my other half, when i found out he was a vampire it scared me but not for the right reasons i thought he wouldn't like me anymore. i thought i wouldn't be good enough for him anymore so it drew a line between us but with a few talks our bond was better and I'd quite literally do anything for him

he took a few breathers before i saw red veins under his eyes and his fangs come out. he pulled me closer to him by my arm and sunk his teeth into my flesh a small 'ow' followed up by some cries left my mouth.

matt punctured his wrist to draw blood and turned it towards me to drink "matt that disgusting" my face grimaced into a disguted expression. "you'll die if you don't"

i let out a complaing groan and drunk some of the blood that was coming from him, the metallic taste feeling my mouth. witha quick movement i was out.

i woke up, my neck aching in pain. i put my hand on the back of my neck rolling it a bit.

i look around and im still in matts room just no matt. speak of the devil. he walked right through his door with a glass of water.

not only my neck was in pain: but now my head, teeth/jaw, my eyes, and suddenly a growing appetite to eat.

"why do i feel like this" i pull my legs up to my chest, rubbing my temples. "you're gonna be okay" he reassures sitting on the bed and cradling me in his arms.

"nooo my teeth hurt- and my head" i whine letting a few tears slip the pain was excruciating. it felt like i was a newborn teething all over again, my head feels like someone knocked me with a mallet, and my vision was adjusting to too many things at once and i was hearing a bunch of conversations from miles away. "can you make it stop already" i covered my ears and started sobbing it was all too much for me.

my nose was running and tears were leaking from my eyes i was a complete mess. matt was there for me running his fingers through my hair giving me encouraging words that didn't help but he tried so thats what mattered.

after atleast 30 minutes it subsided and matt gave me the glass of water he had in his hands letting me take a few sip then putting it on the night stand and setting me down to rest.

"did you kill me?" i asked referring to when i was done drinking his blood and everything just went black. "unfortunately yes, i broke your neck"

it brought a smile to my lips, i would have laughed but didn't have enough energy for it. I rested my eyes to try and sleep while matt lightly scratched my back, lulling me to sleep.

---

it's been two days and now currently Friday i haven't been at my house for those days and im sure my dads worried sick he has called a few times but i ignored them all out of fear i didn't even wanna come home but i knew i had to at some point.

i was dressed in some jeans and a plain black top it was clothes that i left at Matt's house other times i spent nights over his house.

over the days i thought it would get better but it didn't get any easier. my eyes would flair with veins and get bloodshot at any smell of blood. everything else was pretty easy to control except for my raging hunger for anything but food only grew.

to feel my teeth sink tear into someone flesh breaking through tissue and muscle just to drain them of blood.

to hold it off i ate animals but it didn't make the cravings go away.

"lets go" matt held the door open for me, we both walked out to his car and drove over to my house.

"what if he finds out im a vampire and kill me too" my voice trembles in fear, i was in no position to be scared. he might spare me, i doubt it but i have hope. matt on the other hand will probably not get it easy especially since he was the one who turned me.

"you're still his kid" he reminded placing a comforing hand on my thigh. he had a point but he also didn't understand my dads absolute hate for vampires the reason being is because he thinks one killed his wife my mom.

my stomach turned it felt like it was doing back flips, if i was still human my heart would have been beating out of my chest, unfortunately im not even a living being anymore. all this thinking distracted me from our way to my dad's place, i looked out the window and here we were.

matt came around the car and pulled the car door open for me sticking his hand out to help me, i took his hand helping myself out the car and walked to my front door knocking a few times.

"oh y/n i was so worried" he brought me into a hug, holding me close pressing my head against his chest and giving my back little pats. if only he knew i was the thing he hated most.

"are you just gonna stand there" my dad asked matt, his arms no longer hugging me.

"matt come in quick it's freezing out there" i exclaimed playing it off.

he wasn't able to come in unless he was invited in and my father probably caught on a tad bit or didn't even notice, either way i think it was well played off.

"nice to meet you" matt stook his hand out for a handshake, my dad ignored it and walked to the kitchen. "dad really?"

"help me finish making dinner" bluntly dismissing my words "i will leave if you continue this, it's not fair to him or me and it's actually quite disrespectful" i called out.

"yeah because im gonna praise a boy who doesn't ever talk to me let alone know what i look like. i know he's the on you're always sneaking around with so it's disrespectful to me" he declared raising his voice in the slightest.

i look over to matt who's jaw is clenched, i don't know if he was anxious or mad maybe a bit of both

there was no point in fighting so i just start helping my dad peel the potatoes. "how do you want your steak?" he asked getting seasonings out for what he was cooking

i was pretty hungry for anything but food right now so the closest i could get to blood is a rare steak but for more subtly medium rare is what i choose

"i thought you hated your meat pink?" he asked unsure of my reasonable answer "well you grow and you learn" i shrug

matt was setting the table, in no rush whatsoever making sure everything looked perfect. meanwhile i was struggling to skin the potatoes.

the vegetable slips out of my hand when i tried cutting it. "lemme help" my dad took it from me making the same mistake but cutting his finger and drawing blood.

oh fuck. "are you okay" i didn't look at him i couldn't i saw some of his blood drip onto the cutting board and i hurried out of there to the bathroom, matt chased after me calling out my name.

"whats wrong?" he asked knocking against the door. but i didn't answer, i looked myself in the mirror and i looked like a monster. i was one but why did i have to be one that kills.

i calmed myself a bit taking breathers and splashing cold water on my face. i come out the bathroom being met with a worried matt. he hurridly pulled me in for a hug "you're okay" he strokes my hair and started rocking side to side as the hug was coming to an end. "lets go back"

we walked hand in hand back to the kitchen and my dad was sitting at the table with a wooden stake in his hand. my walking has come to a hault at the sight

"i want the truth. what's really going on" he questioned. there was thick tension in the air, the silence was deafening.

me and matt exchanged knowing looks

"we're- well I'm a vampire" matt spoke up breaking the quiet atmosphere.

my dads grip tightened on the wooden object "im one too" i add

he drops the sharpened wood and looks at me with tears in his eyes "you?" i nod slowly and his breath hitched.

he started to shake his head in denial "it was you huh?" he picked the stake up and pointed it at matt "you turned my daughter into this monster" he stood up getting closer to use both.

i stand infront of matt not that i could really cover him fully because of our height differences but it was enough blockage for his heart not to get stabbed. "dad i asked for it, he didn't necessarily want to but he offered it and i took him up on the offer."

he sighed looking down to his feet then back at me "why? do you hate me or something" for probably the first times in months the tear finally slipped from his eyes. there were many occasions when he was close to tears but never actually shed any

"this isn't about you dad. i want to be with matt forever and this was the only way" i explained, giving him a pleading look for understanding or atleast sympathy.

"do you love him" my dad muttered

"huh?" i couldn't hear him clear but im sure i could have made out what he said "do you love him?" he reiterated louder.

"more than my will to live" he nodded "leave" he walked to his liquor cabinet and got some of his expensive alcohol and poured him a glass "leave the house or I'll kill you both" he threatened.

"bye.." i said so close to a whisper even suprised if he heard me. matt places his hand on my lower back and guided me out the door. "this is my fault" a sob tore through my words and matt ushered me into the car and drove us both back home (his obvi) and took me to his room sitting me on his bed, he sat next to me trying to calm me down.

my cries have subsided but everything still felt like it was some how my fault. i have no more family all i have is matt and his brothers. theres nothing wrong with that, me and his brothers weren't on bad terms but not necessarily friends, we did talk though but i just love my dad

"could i ever be human again?" he gives me a tight lipped smile and shook his head. i couldn't help but cry all over again "you starting to regret it?" he asked pulling my grieving body into his "little bit" i admit

he pressed a kiss on my head "im sorry" he apologized. i consented to this and i don't want him to feel bad for turning me into a vampire because i wanted this just as much as him.

a/n: i feel like the endings rushed but I've been working on this all day :')

[little-miss-dilf-lover]

Hey lovely! You totally don't have to do this if you don't want to or don't like it! May I please request Tangerine dating fem!reader who is a kindergarten teacher? So very kind, patient, understanding, colorful wardrobe etc <33

hii honey!! super cute :(( love it!! 💌 sorry for delay, it’s been in my drafts for a little bit

—

TAN WITH TEACHER READER

im kind of basing reader off jess day- seems TOO perfect not to do so (maybe unintentionally doing the same with tan and nick (my bfs and I can't help it))

I think that in a way, you being a teacher heals something in tan- how you'll be understanding, helpful and patient. but not in the way that gets you walked all over!! he obviously has a boundary, but you being so sweet and kind and sincere- like that stereotypical radiant feminine energy is something he needs in life. he won't ever take that for granted, and appreciates the kindness you show him (probs doesn't think he needs or deserves it) I think you also show him lots of compassion, which he isn't used to

you're very different from each other, but you make it work. opposites attract. you're fun, bright and colourful. tan is quiet, calm and dark. it's not in a way that overshadows one another- it merges in a way that works well, where one lacks the other gains

maybe he pokes fun at how eccentric you are (never any malice) just a light-hearted comment about the colour of your tights- all sweet and airy!!

he loves to eat the treats you bake for your students. he needs to check they're not poisonous!!! (he's so considerate)😔

maybe when you're at the dining table or in your home office, he offers you help when planning your lessons. maybe trying to persuade you to let the kids watch a movie, "come on, it's only a couple hours," or "my teachers were a bunch of grumpy old bastards—don't be that teacher," but obviously you're very different to those he described, so he uses it in a way to playfully blackmail you

when he does the washing/ laundry (I can't have him being a lazy guy- he HAS to be competent or I'll rip my hair out💔) he smiles to himself when he sees all of your bright clothing amongst all of his dark clothing. like little pops of purple and green within his navy t-shirts :(( def snickers when hanging your fun skirts next to his plain grey trousers 

GRUMPY X SUNSHINE ! ! ! 

you're like his little ball of warmth <3

— — — — — — — — — — ☆ — — — — — — — — — —

no taglist for this as not a proper fic/ drabble

[lingy910y]

Weekly Tag Wednesday

thanks @energievie for the very thought-provoking questions 🤩

name: ling

age: 17

location: ny

what is your dj name? thank you rhymezone for ding-a-ling 💀

if you were a genre of music, what would it be? indie

what would you title your biography? The Garden Inside My Mind (i'm just winging it at this point)

what are the first three things you'd do if you were invisible? this is a very lame answer but i wouldn't do anything i wouldn't do if i were visible because the guilt would consume me 😬 if i don't belong there, even if it's nothing serious, i don't want to lie and intrude someone else's privacy

what subject do you wish was taught in every school? economics (thank god it's required in my school)

when was the last time you tried something for the first time and what was it? i tried bubble tea (strawberry tea) for the first time when i met up with my friend who i haven't seen since elementary school, she was very kind and insisted on paying for everything lol

what is the most underrated city you have ever visited? i've only visited 4 cities so garden city? i've never visited a suburban place before and it was rly pretty

what day in your life would you like to relive? why am i tearing up over a tag game :') man it makes me wish i had more motivation to write in my journal. it has to be a day from my middle school years, genuinely the best years of my life. maybe the day before quarantine aka before everything went to shit, when we all thought we'll see each other again 😭😭😭😭😭 can you believe my hs graduation is this friday

if you could eliminate one thing from your daily routine, what would it be and why? ruminating and worrying and overthinking - oh please i would literally save hours 🙏

how long would you last in a zombie apocalypse? i would hide but refuse to die. prob only the first week

what would be the most surprising scientific discovery imaginable? excluding actual time travel that is straight-up impossible, a device that connects your brain to someone else's, like telepathy. but there's already ai controversies so...

if you could have any view out your office window, what would you choose? just a nice scenery of trees so i won't get distracted

tagging @deedala, @michellemisfit, @mmmichyyy, @creepkinginc, @sgtmickeyslaughter

@iansw0rld, @doshiart, @mybrainismelted, @lupeloto, @burninface

@blue-disco-lights & @heymrspatel 🫡

[carefreemonk]

Celebrating TOA and the people who contribute to make our group what it is. Repost, don't reblog. Only fill in what you feel comfortable sharing! Happy anniversary, TOA! Here's to many more years spent together.

Name: Key

Pronouns: she/her

Birthday (no year): jan 6

Where are you from? What is your time zone? west coast canada, PST

How long is your roleplay experience? between 25+ years

How were you introduced to roleplaying as a whole? jesus uhhh that was like 25 years ago. started out “gming” worlds for friends as we ran around the neighbourhood throwing pine cones at each other n stuff. you know. the usual. then came the interwebs (i was like idk 11 and debatably should maybe not have been left to my own devices there). found avidgamers rp forums via neopets. medieval/fantasy, seattle alley cats, and pokemon rp were i think all my first written rp experiences in close/overlapping order

How were you introduced to TOA? old ferp pals on twitter kept making mention of it. eventually succumbed ha ha

Do you have any pets? black cat named cabbage. she was the 16th meow meow i fostered before i stopped (maybe get back to it some day…)

What is your favorite time of year and why? (Season, holiday, general period) when the trees are bright red and gold and the air smells crisp and you can comfortably wear a jacket again… :softsmile: and the leaves are crunchy... tho i haven't crunched leaves since the wasp incident

What is your IRL occupation? admin/bookkeeper

Some interests and things you like/enjoy? webcomics, travels, ultimate frisbee, wanna try more sculpting

What non-Fire Emblem games do you play? FFXIV, HSR, picross, zelda, smash bros sbeen a long time but shhh, stardew valley

Favorite Pokemon type & Pokemon: ghost, haunter

Tell us some funfacts and trivia about yourself! only ever broke one bone (knocks on wood), it was my collarbone from being cross-checked into the boards in ice hockey. have "completed" two novels, no they won't see the light of day. have, over the years, drawn a cumulative 500+ comic pages' worth. i miss it

How did you get into Fire Emblem? fe7, shared a cartridge with my brother i think. just seemed in our wheelhouse w nintendo being what we had at hand

What Fire Emblem games have you played? 6 & up... i think? no spinoffs other than i guess?? feh? up to like. book 4 or smth

First & Favorite Fire Emblem games: fe7 and fe7. nostalgia bias strong

List your 5 favorite Fire Emblem characters across the series! matthew, henry, azama, louis, and. hector ig? idk

Who was the first character ever to make you go “ooh I like this one in particular” and why? Can be any context and reason! matthew. perky lil thief with a side of heartache… 

Any Fire Emblem crushes? 😳 past key thought claude was p handsome i suppose

If you’ve played (or are familiar with) the following games, who was your first S support? Who would you S support nowadays? - Awakening: henry (100% still henry) - Fates: conquest- niles, birthright- azama, revelations- kaze. prob wouldnt change. - Three Houses: claude (prob felix in whatever next run i do) - Engage: louis/lapis (saved, finished one, went back for the other hahaha. maybe miss goldmary if i ever run again)

Favorite Fire Emblem class? thief or mage

If you were a Fire Emblem character, what would be your class and stats? Would you be playable? maybe an archer? with p average stats. like i'd Wanna be a cool mage but idt it suits me hahaha

If you were a Three Houses character, what would be your affiliation? Deer for sure

If you were an Officers Academy student, what would be your boons, banes and potential budding talent? boon bow, maybe lance bane flying, faith budding talent in heavy armour, auth

If you were an Engage character, which nation would you originate from? Brodia? idk

How do you pronounce TOA? 🤔 Tee Oh Ay

Current TOA muses: Hector, Azama

Past TOA muses? Ewan, Matthew, Henry, Florina, Goldmary

Who was your first TOA muse? If you no longer have them, can you see yourself picking them up again? Ewan, and nah. he was a delightful lil ball of sunshine but I don't feel I need that anymore

Do you believe you have a type of character you gravitate towards writing? somewhat prickly, probably. also three of the guys i've written have canonically gone "Oho!" and another three i like w some overlap in there are the 'closed eyes' type so... whatever that means. In general tho: I like muses with whom I can explore aspects of human personality I wouldn't necessarily venture into on my own. (certain brands of conflict, responsibility, etc)

Do you have characters or types of characters you don’t think you can handle writing, but wish you could?  idk i think if i really wanted to write a kind of char i probably. would. but i guess the 'much more like Actually Super Intelligent than i can realistically pretend at' would be it i suppose

What kind of scenes, situations etc do you believe you enjoy writing the most? When you get to write characters with a shared history you've built together over time/across threads. When you can refer to past shared experiences, positive or negative... sobs. chefs kiss

Do you have any scenario in mind for your muse(s) that gets you thinking “man I hope I get to write this one day”? A Hector near the end of his schooling arc might be neat (he's learned what he's came here for, he's ready to return to Ostia and do Uther and his people proud, and more competently than many mightve imagined at that) but. When that day comes he might really be actually going home soon lol.

Favorite TOA-related memories? lock and key jailbreak. bunker dead by daylight. unscripted both as a mod and as a player like. all of it. the first toa zine. the memes in all the discord pins (aka the laughs). really there's so much

Present or past tense? whichever my partner prefers idc that said have def written many more years in past tense than present despite toa's lean toward the latter

Normal size text, small text, no preference? normal but again idc i am perpetually zoomed in on any given window anyhow

Got any potential muse delusions to share? 😉 sometimes matthew pokes his head up but he'd have to kill sampo so :shrug: living blissfully in my lane. sometimes think a genuine villain might be fun to try tho

[eldritch-spouse]

someone’s prob asked already but any tips for people learning how to draw?

People have asked, and I always have variations of the same response.

I'm far from someone you should ask for tips, for various reasons. Mostly the fact that I did not have a smooth learning process, I'm the definition of "fuck around and find out" when it comes to drawing. Although I think that's half the fun of it. I also draw in a very stylized manner that blatantly disrespects standard anatomy, the "laws" of light and shadow placement and generally speaking my style is constantly suffering transformations.

My biggest advice is to be very careful of what you consume in the ""art community"". Those spaces are legitimately some of the most disgustingly harmful groups I have ever come in contact with and I oftentimes felt ashamed of my own work because of the pathetic losers you will find managing big accounts with sizable audiences. Sometimes you're better off watching videos with no commentary, you know?

I'm unsure if you're drawing traditionally or digitally, but one thing's for sure- There's going to be a long period of time where you're just going to be testing supplies out. Whether it be programs, brushes, papers, pencils, you're going to need to find the brands you like, because having supplies that you're comfortable with is half the journey to creating something you'll be pleased with.

In much the same line of thinking, it's also going to take you a while to figure out what styles you like and how to make them your own (as in, giving them your touch). Sometimes people already have a very specific idea in mind, other times they just sort of find out- Which was my case for the most part. I would not recommend you start drawing in an excessively anime-esque style unless that is adjacent to what you're going for.

Speaking of! Professionals will tell you to draw realism or realistic-like before you move to stylization. That is probably good advice, but I completely ignored it.

Ehhhh, I don't know what else I can tell you, as my learning process is far from over itself. It's never really over.

If you're like most artsits -And not the extremely lucky kind- You're going to hate most of what you do initially. It won't come out "right", and that makes you feel dumb or skilless. Fight this feeling with all you have got. Because one day you'll look back on your first doodles and the times you tried new things, and you'll smile just seeing how far you've come all on your own.

That's kind of it! Have fun. Remember you don't have to prove anything to anyone! <:7

[sluttyhenley]

twenty questions for fic writers

tagged by: @redbelles 💖

1. how many works do you have on ao3?

54

2. what's your total ao3 word count?

303,100

3. what fandoms do you write for?

recently? 911, top gun and uhhhh masters of the air... (but if you ever check out my ao3 you will see several fandoms)

4. top five fics by kudos

my heart is working over time

is forever enough

lover be good to me

a twister to blow everything down

when one plus one equals three

5. do you respond to comments?

sometimes it takes me a while but yes, i love getting comments and so i like to make sure i actually reply when someone takes the time to talk to me about my fic

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

until the shadows fall, which is uhh, one of the earlier fics i wrote and my writing has definitely . . . . evolved since writing it, but. yeah, it is the angstiest ending i've written. actually, though, i'm going to mention the sound of glass, because yeah, that one is a close runner up

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

probably put a hold on my heart. if it's not the happiest ending it's definitely the sappiest ending

8. do you get hate on fics?

i have gotten hate on two separate fics

9. do you write smut?

ha. hahahahaha. stares for a long time at like..... 3 of my top 5 fics by kudos. and two of my most recently posted fics. and my mota fic that's upcoming. yeah... . .

10. craziest crossover:

i've only written one crossover, leverage and the old guard in the immortals job (the craziest one i ever conceptualized though was prob an idea to cross over star trek and doctor who)

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i know of

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

nope!

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

no, but i have tossed story ideas back and forth with people

14. all time favorite ship?

i refuse to (read: can't) answer this

15. what's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

i have . . . . . a few. and they're fics that i started for a source that i don't want anything to do with anymore

16. what are your writing strengths?

@redbelles has a first row seat to this but because of what i'm trying to do right now, all of my writing feels weak. but i'm trying to remind myself that as your writing evolves you feel less confident in your abilities regardless of the accuracy of that feeling. but i think i'd say ummm characterization and humor

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

me @ me: for $1 pick literally any other word/phrase/imagery device. for god's sake

18. thoughts on dialogue in another language?

i won't do it except under very specific circumstances, such as actually having a reasonable proficiency in the language. i did pepper some french phrases in a book of nile fic a while back

19. first fandom you wrote in?

the librarians is the first fandom i actually posted fic i wrote for. but i did write some doctor who fic before that i a) never finished and b) don't actually want to see the light of day

20. favorite fic you've written?

probably put a hold on my heart. i put a lot of work into that one, and handwrote the whole thing. it was my baby for the better part of a year and i'm really proud of some of the things i did there.

tagging: @reachingforaspark, @ladywaffles, @shoesplease, @sindirimba, and @natashatrace (if you want!)

[thetwistedcryptid]

What would your boys get if they ever go to a starbucks? (this popped in my brain while wishing i had a double shot can from the gas station)

hmm.. that's an interesting one! you didn't say which of my characters, so i just picked a few of them Taranis: Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino .. maybe with some extra chocolate syrup sometimes .. he has such a strong sweet tooth, but wouldn't ever admit it. has probably bribed or threatened the baristas to never mention his order to anyone.

Bowie: Frozen Pineapple Passionfruit Lemonade Starbucks Refresher. mega fruit lover in the house!! def something he would drink after working on his families farm, or after a lot of harmonica playing at his dorms hidden 'tavern'. sweet boi likes sweet treats! probs trys to get/mimic the recipe to make it for his friends.

Cailean: Iced Peach Green Tea Lemonade - with extra lemon. very refreshing after a streak of pranks on his dorm mates, or for soothing his dry throat after light music club rehearsals. best mix of sour and sweet for him.

Bomani: Iced Matcha Tea Latte with Oleato Golden Foam ... not sure how to explain this one, but just trust me on this. (am i just saying it cuz of the vibes? cuz its green like seaweed and hes a merman? who knows..)

Hikaru: Emperor's Clouds & Mist (hot tea/green tea) sometimes keeping it simple is the way to go! he just really likes tea.. has probably tried all the types starbucks has like some kinda tea-type food critique but with only compliments and genuine reviews, no negativity here folks. always gives decent tips, even if he doesn't end up liking his order.

Oisín: some simple hot chocolate with LOTS of whipped cream, and a little cinnamon sprinkled on top :3 caffeine makes him a little sleepy but mainly doesn't have much of an effect (plain caffeine tastes icky to him, too). so he goes for the sweeter hot stuff.

Wyborne: Pumpkin cream cold brew .. with LOTS of expresso shots. like, as many as the workers are legally allowed to give him - whatever number that is to where it won't kill him but still keep him awake for 3 weeks straight without seeing god. he's a busy boy ('i dont have a problem, you do' - said him)

Fǔzhù: Iced Royal English Breakfast Tea Latte - he would drink like maybe 3 a day if he had the time to go out and get them. but, his schedule is usually too packed for even short trips like that. so its a rare, but nice, treat for him.

[understandableparadox]

old passage speculating the straw hats

Monkey D. Luffy: Page of breath

Luffy is what I think Tavros could have been. Someone full of life, joy, happiness of such an infectious degree that it inspires everyone around him to become better people, it inspires them to caste away chains that have just lived with out of convenience because tavros, someone who would certainly live a more comfortable life with their chains has caste them away and instead of being horribly punished, they are like a goddamn bird, free.

Land of Blaze and Gold

A massive burning planet, devastated mostly on the surface by the horrifying fire giants that roamed the planet. Spreading nothing but flames and devastation throughout. But once you go underground you find that there are multiple underground oases filled with Beaded lizard constructs who have found ways to use the heat on the surface to make life pretty great. They speak of a way to see the sun again by going to the Capital of the fire giants, El Dorado. The city of burning gold to defeat the denizen Totec

Luffy has a land based mostly on Aztec myths because el dorado is one of the classic treasure hunt destinations. It's the game trying to fit luffy into a track that they recognize. My thoughts are that luffy will immediately ignore this kind of quest because the game expects him to be where tavros is, but he’s pretty much already ready to god tier. Maybe he ends up accidently radiclizing the lizards because again, he could probs just beat the fire giants on the surface and create a pretty damn good town where ever the fuck he wants. 

Luffy more likely than not won't see the point in god tiering and again, ignore it. Immortality is not Luffy's main quest. It's him trying to have fun, it's him trying to live a life that he will be constantly happy with, alongside friends that he can support and will support him in kind. He brings in his crew to fight the denizen and winds pretty handedly

Roronoa Zoro: Prince of Rage

Zoro works a lot as the quartermaster of the strawhat crew. He is the one that enforces a lot of the rules of the ship, wither it's not questioning the captains final decision or ensuring a proper code of conduct is set. Rage is the aspect of negative, fear, rage and importantly,truth. Zoro cuts through some of the toughest opponents set in the crews way, allowing them to work without fear. Like luffy he is a reassuring entity that allows members to work without fear.

Land of Prayer and Passing. 

A solemn land where dead mantis make their death march towards the ever consuming maw of their denizen, a nameless monolithic creature within a massive tower. The sides of this tower displaying an endless list of names appear, the closer they get to the bottom, the closer they are to being eaten by the denizen. If a mantis attempts to escape the denizen and doesn't make their death march, they are dragged by countless hands towards the tower. 

The land is a lot more barebones then some of the others for the sole reason that zoro won't pay attention to it. The game knows zoro has no interest in a lot of weird things and will just blindly hit the problem with a sword like a coked out orangutan with a stick and attitude problem. And it will fucking work. If I had to name the denizen, then it most likely would be enma. Zoro killing their denizen would just be more emblematic of him taking his position then abandoning it out of a slight uncaringness that the mantis may or may not appreciate. It's just a new truth being laid out to them to follow. They are no longer bound by death because the weird guy killed the god of it so they just kinda have to… deal with it

Nami: Mage of Light. 

Nami is a coward but only because she is a relativly normal person within a crew of utter fucking monsters. Monsters that get them in the news every other day because they kicked the king of who caresia in the dick and now the entirety of the royal navy wants them dead. Nami suffers from being perceived and known. But she also manages to profit off of her own fortune, luck and notoriety. 

Land of Vaults and Bars

A massive prison world that contains what could be easily millions of gecko consorts, seemingly born into and raised as prisoners for perceived slights of their ancestors generations ago. But the kicker here is that each tear shed by the gecko becomes solid gold… gold that gets collected and transported to the denizens private vault. Lakes worth of gold and gems ripe for the taking…All you have to do is get past the watchful gaze of Nokken. 

So, the planet is meant to tempt nami to get off track and try to make a profit off the gold and suffering of the geckos (also commentary on the industrialized prison complex but i'll move my ham hock fists out of the way). Nokken was the denizen of choice because it works as the Swedish version of a siren, beautiful men playing music that tempts women into drowning. Again, temptation, lakes, water and gold are the main themes of the world.

Usopp: Rogue of hope

Usopp is an unapologetic coward and opportunist. He’s also insanely negative, everything is the worst possible thing that can happen and he is always ready for death to be right on top of him. But he doesn't let that overcome him. Despite being fucking terrified of the things around him, he finds ways to create opportunity. His entire sthick is finding the perfect shot. The single strike that can turn the tide. Wither its on judgement island, hitting the perfect shot for fucking hundreds of yards away to save his crew, or the insane shot he made up hill from miles away in dressorose, freeing people from someones curse. He finds ways to steal hope from the baddies and give it back to the crew and those around him. 

Land of Mirages and Pyrite. 

A world seemingly made completely out of gold, with sparkling cities run by rather accommodating meerkats. Literally everything seems fine as long as the sun is up, when it starts to dip, the land turns a sickly greenish bronze color. A massive wolf stalks the world, easily eating up the cities it comes across throughout the night. By morning, everything is fine and dandy. Even the cities that were eaten seem to have no memories of being eaten…

A more mystery focused planet because right behind nami, usopp is one of the smartest strawhats on the ship. It's meant to get him trying to figure out what's going on, slowly becoming brave enough to face the denizen head on. Also, yes, it's fenrir. Usopp likes vikings with an intense passion.

Sanji: Knight of heart

Sanji is a professional simp. Someone who under no circumstances will hit a woman, even if their fucking evil as hell. I think out of all the straw hats, he’s the one who gets into the least arguments with everyone. The only real person he ever actually has a problem with is zoro.  Thus my idea is that he is someone who underwent the trials of the knight and just kinda… failed? Instead of using desire and personality to exploit, he allowed it to exploit him. Which honestly isn't so bad. 

Land of pillars and fish. 

A massive ocean dotted along with small dots of civilization atop massive stone towers. Down below the ocean froths kicks up with  a vibrant blue ocean that doesnt seem to have an end. It merely goes down and down and down… each of the villages focus on different needs, like trees or metals. The bravest of em being the fishermen. Brave otters that descend into the depths to try and get a large enough haul to feed everyone before they are fed on by the terror of the depths. 

The denizen of this world is calypso, mostly because the game is going to try and get sanji to fight his denizen and give him a challenge. But again, he fails his quest and is happy about it. He is genuinely happier as the failed knight of heart that stuck to his ideals.

Tony Tony Chopper: Bard of doom

Tony is someone whose life is plagued by doom and gloom. Abandoned by his herd, accidentally killed his own mentor, had to live in semi isolation due to their appearance, but they are someone who manages to get past it. They don't let the sadness of their life get the best of them. They do their best to do what their mentors did and heal people the best they can. Thus I think the god tier of bard of doom would be the best choice.

Land of Plagues and loss

A massive haunted village, something straight gothic. The entire joint is wrapped with this horrid illness that is slowly killing the stork inhabitants, hospitals have sprouted up in certain spots but there's never enough room. The graves are slowly becoming the most populous place. The denizen of the planet Faust, is feverously working on a cure to this hell. 

Chopper being a kid is going to be having a really fucking bad time through out all of this, the game obviously wont give a shit but yeah, his world is meant to really pray on his sense of duty when it comes to healing the sick. And as bards are meant to break, it wants to break him with the despair of the ever coming line of dead consorts. I think he powers through because he is a medical genius.

Chopper more likely than not would god tier once he understands it, again, he has an intense sense of duty when it comes to taking care of people, gaining powers specifically about that would only be on the surface of that.

Nico Robin: Seer of time. 

Robin may have the most dichotmaic themeings throughout the story. She is the woman who brings death yet all her attacks are based on flowers blooming. She is the demonic child cursed with knowledge yet she can sprout almost angelic wings at the drop of a hat. But the one thing that she is consistently associated with is the idea of history and the future. She learns about it in order to apply what she knows to plans the straw hats make. She suffered greatly because of it, learning how to read the ponegraphs ensured the destruction of her family. It nearly ensured the destruction of her crew but she is adamant that she continues learning it. 

Land of dunes and tombs

A sprawling land of deserts dotted occasionally by pyramids, the base of which seems to be an oasis. With fresh clear water flowing from the top of each of them down. Yet the consorts, hawks, seem to avoid it. Content to living near the rocky outcroppings and flying maybe once a day to gather gallons at a time towards the village.  The denizen, Isis is said to already be dead. That this place is due to become non-existant without the spell she was supposed to weave…

The land is supposed to encourage time travel bullshit as well as a tiny bit of archeology, for fun. As a treat. Anyways you go back and forth in time gathering info on WHERE the denizen was when she died and trying to either get the spell out of her or at the very least make sure she never dies. The scratch panel here is a massive harp with glowing red strings that requires thousands of hands to play

She would more likely than not god tier because she has those aradia "oooh, lets see what death feels like!" vibes

Franky:Heir of void

Surprisingly, franky is a lot like equius if he just grew out of his fetish faze and stopped caring.stop me when i'm off base but imagine a genius robotist that kinda creeps people out or actively annoys them when they talk to him. They are known for building prosthetics or complete robot bodies. 

See what I mean? The only difference is that Franky is a lot further along on the path of an heir then equius, already rendering himself into nothing but the personality given his insistence of making himself the perfect war machine. 

Land of ponds and reflection. 

A semi swamp-esque planet filled with snakes waiting at the side of their own personal ponds. Staring intensely at their own reflections within the water. Only leaving in abject frustration to eat or rest. If asked, they will say that they are trying to get a wish from the creature on the other side of the water. The thing that has no reflection. If you can reach the same state as it, it can give you something that will cure all your worries.

The denizen here is supposed to be narcissus, someone that demands to be unchanging because it feels as though it has finally reached a point of perfection, going up someone that can always find something to change about itself. 

Franky would god tier in a heartbeat because it's just what he does on the daily.

the franky-equius think is my hottest homestuck take by the by

Brook: Sylph of life

Brooks overall is a tragic character who has died trying to fulfill both a legacy and promise, but given a second chance to finish it. Everyone he used to know died around him. He sailed with their bones. The only thing he has left of them is the final song they sang together. Brooks is someone who understands the finality of death and understands that life is wonderful, beautiful, precious and rare beyond exception. Thus will help anyone he can not squander it. Singing wonderful songs to  brighten the mood of those around him. He is a sylph of life solely because he has died enough times to keep it sacred. 

Land of notes and ivory. 

A prehistoric land that is filled with hummingbird consorts.here the skeletons of massive ancient creatures roam, animated by some odd magic… rendering only small parts of the forest safe from the boney march of the behemoths. The hummingbirds know when they are close, given the harsh wind that sweeps through the jungle blows through their hollow bones, forcing them to sing in a discordant cacophony. 

Brooks would not god tier, he wants to make the most of his second life and understands that there is a certain beauty in knowing that one day it will end. Immortality is not something he has any interest in.

the denizen more likely than not would be ihy, as he is one of the first gods of music, and childhood. He's just a kid playing with their favorite dino toys and making music (badly) because that's how they know to play.

Jinbei: Witch of mind

it seems a little bit werid but my logic here is that witches are defined by some sort of accident, mistake or whatever that relates to their aspect. the death of jades grandpa through teleportation, the death of the trollian race by feferis lusus, and for jinbei his inability to make the logical decision of putting down arlong and allowing him to cause that much distruction.

aside from that, jinbei is always cooking up plan after fucking plan, disappering to set things into motion months ahead of time to ensure the prospairity of the things he deems important, such as fishman island and whole cake island.

Land of rips and tides

a massive underwater planet, seemingly from the moment you make the initial plunge you are stuck in a massive sprawling labrynth of tunnals that delve deeper and deeper into the planets core, occasionally these tunnals will create currents that will rip through, dragging anything living through them until their dead, slammed and cut on the walls of the tunnels.

the denizen the laviathan, an abstract concept of the oceans blind rage, something that holds the unstoppable power of the ocean that must be subverted and coareced through the most carefull of planning.

[dmcheatsheet]

thrown of Claws. (bears)

first guy is Voytek, he's a shurpa, kinda shy and awkward at small talk 'whats ur fav ? -flower, colour, pet? ever seen an undead? Ever see a city? What's ur home town like? Excuss for flashbacks.

That possum is was a normal girl, cursed this way by a higher demon deal. Lady love cursed her for using a higher demon to try and seduce the guy she liked. Oscar the owl bard has no idea the possoms weird drug-like performance is her last chance to free herself because he needs to kiss her volenteerily. He prob wouldn't if he knew the truth, and it won't work if he only knew half truth (she needs a bards kiss, u so it!). The wood elves can't talk to her because she's only speak in infernal.

Bearded Elf, half woodelf is a firm believer in balance of civ and nature. He's a druid and herbalist, and looks after the rare plants in all the mini biomes like the geyser and the swollow hole (blocked off casam with isolated and one of a kind biosphere). He hates politics and talks about power and just wants to let things be. If I subscribed to any politics it would be my wood elf family's, they expected me to kill people who tresspassed, any time I wasn't pregnant or mothering the next 'generation of warriors'. Murder and motherhood was not what I wanted for myself, obviously. I think power and politics inevitably leads to individuals being pushed into roles they aren't meant 'for the needs of the many.'.

owl bard is retired from the city of song and it's celebrity rat-race. He's settled here for a quiet life, and feels used by his fans who now don't remember him, but he barely knew the people he spent with the night with, so he's no better. He blames the city lifestyle, bares no grudges, stays here and feels a old and little dirty with himself.

masked druid is a typical look at the average tourist who comes here and hikes the trail.

This elf is an amature herbalist, from the vague west, who dosn't talk about his backstory, even lies about small stuff to Voytek. Shake voice and nervous. He really loves the druid stuff and would love to learn magic from a PC. He is secretly a city boy and dosn't do well in the outdoors and camping. Really wants help from magic to clean and stuff. He clearly never had friends. He's actually from the city of Silk and he's come to steal the rare plant that is super endangered. But a druid master-apprentice thing, a romance or kind friendship, can make him back down. He has a scroll that can teleport him under moonlight. "And now under the light of the moon my escape with this... It's day?! How long were we in there?". Voytek "two hours maybe" "I really thought it was longer, combat was quick... How long til sunset?" V: "do u mean sunset or Moonrise, because those are diff-eh-rent" "o right sorry, am moon rise then do do u know when that will be?" "Yes..." "Will you tell me please?" No... "Well that's fair, ya sorry..."

Last is a half-fire elf who is chill himbo, loves his ducks. Gladiator in the city of Ice on the weekends, builder in the log town otherwise.

[angelsdean]

goncharov themes on time bleeding into wip fic ideas 

[stevesnailbat]

flayed Steve?

hmmmmm let’s just leave this here:

Everyone's words of doubt rang through your head over and over again as you marched toward the barren storage room, pushing down your feelings for a moment. You couldn’t lie, it had officially been one of the worst days of your life, considering you’d knocked your boyfriend out cold with a dose of tranquilizer to the neck only thirty minutes before. The day could go one of two ways, and you were hoping that it’d get better. But you knew that for it to get better, it had to get worse first.

You took a deep breath when unlocking and opening the door, clutching a baseball bat—one not ridden with nails—in your free hand. The sight of Steve slumped over, bounded to an office chair in his Scoops Ahoy! uniform is almost enough to bring you to tears, but you blink them away. As sad as the situation may seem, you couldn’t let your feelings get in the way. You were the only hope to get through to him at this point, the only hope for bringing him back to Earth before everything turns to hell. 

The sound of the heavy door slamming shut makes him stir in his seat, eyes fluttering open slowly as his chin rises from where it was against his chest. Fear flickers in his gaze for a moment, but is quickly replaced with rage. His eyes don’t trail over to you, so he skips over you entirely for a moment. He shakes in the seat, but the ropes around his arms, chest and legs don't budge. A low groan escapes his lips and you can’t help but flinch as the chair threatens to spill over. Steve realizes he’s not alone once his eyes fix on your blue converse—the ones he’d bought for your birthday three weeks back—and his shaking stops. 

His eyes meet yours, but it’s like he’s looking right through you. The look in his eyes is sharp enough to pierce you in the heart, honestly. He’s never looked so intimidating, but this isn’t him—this is the Mind Flayer on full defense mode. You clutch the bat tightly, wringing your hands around it nervously as you try to act like you can stand your ground. 

[mywritingonlyfans]

first time with joe but make it being cute and sweet as fuck 😊

i kind of like to think this would be after one of their long-time-away-filming? like, imagine traveling around the world to see him because the longing had hit both, and he would already be in a not so good mood with people (but ofc he'd hide it well because he's a sweet bean) because he hadn't seen you in person for a long time, and then at one of the shooting you would be present on the side of the stage as he beautifully and excitingly do his things (probably as eddie, i know it won't be probs allowed, but imagine watching a few things of him as eddie before hand) and you'd see his face light up in a smile when he sees you there, he would probs mess up his stuffs and acting a little, but just a little and it would go back to normal like quickly, and then you would have him running and spinning you around as soon as it was over, he would lift you up high and fill your face with kisses making it clear just how much he had missed you... okay, then coming to his hotel,,, this would be gradual, no planning but he would deffo make it a big deal and make it special for you, it would all start with excessive kissing, and obviously you would be more needy and touch starved than ever, and you would be tired of the long flight and he of his full day and work too, so both would be lazy and just thinking about affection and being able to rest at peace by now that you both would have each other, you would snuggle into him amid intense kisses and start rubbing against him quiet too hard, first thing he'd do would be deffo ask if you feel okay with that, he'd put himself on top of you, probs the room would be dark, only lit by the moon and a single lamp, he'd let your arms wrap around his neck, he'd keep his eyes on yours and say that he'd take care of you, he'd finger you slowly, watching as your face changes from awkwardness to pure comfort and pleasure and adds one more, massaging and sinking his fingers into you until all that you could do was to sigh his name while hugging him more, (rubbing your cheek on his beard like a proper cat like please imagine) you would soon assume you felt ready and he would still ask a few more times if you were comfortable with it, he would ask you to hold on to him and he would wet kiss your temple and cheeks and face all over as he lets your body get used to him, just your and his noises filling the room and your legs tight around him as he has his forehead pressed against your and it's all so intimate and comfortable...

[faultyfox]

I see a lot of variants on what Anakin/Vader said in that last confrontation, but since none of them have matched mine...

[Spoilers for Obi-Wan Kenobi]

So, 'I killed Anakin Skywalker,' yes, Anakin speaking to absolve Obi-Wan of his guilt, because he is a fully functioning human being, and knows that it was him that killed those children all those years ago. At the time he was crying, he knew what he was doing was wrong, he reasoned it out for the sake of his dying wife, but over time that horror hasn't changed. And speaking of himself as a different person to distance himself from those deeds he can't reconcile with so he can keep going, he made a wrong choice but has to stay the course because his guilt won't let him look for an alternative. Life as Vader is just as much a punishment for him as everyone else, and him freeing Obi-Wan from that punishment show how much he feels responsible for his crimes. He doesn't want someone else feeling guilty when it should only be him (when he isn't being catty and just trying to hurt someones feelings ahem) The man he is today, and has been since that moment, is the man that killed everything of Anakin Skywalker. It's not actually his fault necessarily, but he is taking responsibility for the choices and mistakes he made.

It's the 'I'll destroy you,' line that I feel has the most range in interpretation, and for me, despite people often placing Vader as some kind of alter, he's still Anakin. Vader isn't actually a divided person, it's just a name that denotes how separate Anakin is now from that good, honourable person he was before his crimes/turning. Ben isn't treated like an alter, even though they both take new names at the same time, because it's the same parallel. Obi-Wan no longer sees himself as the great and righteous Jedi Master Obi-Wan, and all the other things attached to that name. It's just Ben. They've lost the rights to use the names of the pure hearted and innocent people they were before.

So, no, I don't see the destroy line as a threat from an Anakin to Vader switch, it reads to me in the context of the two lines together, 'I killed Anakin and I'll destroy you too,' as a warning that if Obi-Wan holds on to him, and the guilt of Anakin's turn, then he will be destroyed. And that's exactly what we saw at the start of the series, Obi-Wans desolate, futile existence, depressed, plagued by nightmares of his past, and dread of the future (too fearful/depressed to help Nari or anyone else) he's so far from the light he couldn't access the force to dispell these feelings or see Qui-Gon. Post fight, he has closure, he says goodbye to Darth, because Anakin and him are one in the same, but Obi-Wan and he both know the weight of the past and things will never be as they were. Anakin will never be the man Obi-Wan once knew. Obi-Wan let's him go, and so he turns back to the light.

His guilt and obsession with Anakin would destroy him, "Darth Vader" wouldn't even have to kill him outright.

It even all ties into their final meeting in 'A New Hope'. Obi-Wan's line of, 'If you strike me down, I'll become more powerful than you could ever imagine' (at the time it was probs just force ghost related with him helping Luke but we're way past 'A certain point of view' retcons here) All Darth Vader has is hunting Kenobi, searching for him, imagining the day he finally wins, and that's what we see in ep5, Anakin's obsession with winning. And then what? Where does winning get you? Vader finally wins after all these years, finally wins a duel against Obi-Wan, but that was it. He didn't even win because he was the best, or had the highest moral grounds, nothing, Obi-Wan just let him, ceded the fight, robbing him of even that small glory. So in some ways Obi-Wan was warning him back in kind, without Obi-Wan, what does Vader have left to strive for, hope for? It was almost a kindness of Obi-Wan each time to not let Anakin win before, and considering he walks away each time so he doesn't have to face the moral imperative of killing Anakin, and ultimately save the day (because unfortunately Anakin is one of the major villains of the piece Obi-Wan) shows that what he does is heavily biased towards Anakin's favour.

Ultimately, they were each others greatest weaknesses and they each knew it?

Thanks for reading to the end!

[s-brant]

Cherry Bowl (3/8)

(gif: @kiekiecarrera) (PART TWO) (PART FOUR) (SERIES MASTERLIST)

Summary: When Kie cancels their plans together, Y/N asks JJ on a date to the Cherry Bowl Drive-In. Unsure of how to navigate his first ever date, JJ seeks out advice. Unfortunately, the night doesn’t go as planned, and both parties are left shaken by miscommunication.

Word Count: 10.6k

Warnings: Smut, public sex/exhibitionism, sexual choking, angst, depictions of mental illness, post-traumatic stress disorder, and implied/referenced abuse.

A/N: Welcome back to Tokens! Slight trouble in paradise is brewing for these two lovers, so buckle up and read because it’s gonna be a rollercoster for a little while after what happens in this chapter. I hope you all like it, and if you did, feedback is very appreciated. Have fun!

"I'm just saying that oatmeal raisin is superior to chocolate chip, why is that such an egregious crime, Kie?"

The lunch room is filled to the brim with students going to town on questionably cooked frozen foods, soggy tater tots, and sugary drinks from the vending machines despite the Obama-era posters on the walls advocating for healthier school lunches that never seemed to make their way to Kildare County High. The extent of their healthy lunches extended to a serving of overcooked canned green beans served with the worst slice of doughy pizza known to human kind, so it was sort of contradictory.

Y/N sits across the table from Pope and JJ, the latter of which being the one who launched into a full-fledged debate with Kiara about which type of cookie was better.

The clear cling wrap sits, unfolded, on the table with one of her stickers neatly placed on the back of it. As consolation for his epic loss yesterday at the beach, she paid an extra .75 cents to get him it when she arrived first to their shared lunch period—one of only two class periods they have together, the other being gym. He was still in line when she peeled a surfboard sticker off of her sheet and placed it at the center of the wrapped up cookie as if to remind him of her triumph over him in the waves.

"Thanks, hot stuff," he said, voice somewhat quieter despite the fact that hardly anyone was in the cafeteria with them. Then his smile dropped into an deadpan expression as soon as he saw her choice of sticker and looked back up at her. "You're never gonna let me live that one down, are you?"

"Never in a million years. I'll be gloating about it until I'm elderly."

"That's my girl."

The sound of the constant chatter surrounding them from at least two hundred other people drowns out the memories of yesterday that threaten to haunt her when she watches him debate with Kie. The mere recollection of their night in the back of the van has her reaching to pull the collar of her cropped tee up to assure that the hickeys remain hidden on instinct, and he catches the action out of the corner of his eye. It has him fighting a smile.

Kie quips, "Maybe on another planet, but, here, I think we can all agree chocolate chip is better, right Y/N?"

Y/N's eyes widen around a forkful of mushy "green beans" at the sound of her name being said bringing her from the depths of her memories.

Usually, she's quick to jump in and give her two cents on whatever stupid back and forth they're all having, but her mind was elsewhere. Unbeknownst to Kie and Pope, she was mentally reliving every second of getting fucked in the van last night, so her attention to detail when it comes to the Chocolate Chip vs Oatmeal Raisin case isn't all too sharp.

"Uhhh," she stops for a second, looking at the half eaten chocolate chip cookie in Kie's hand, "If I say chocolate chip is better, can I get a piece of it?"

Kie's face lights up at her words, and she's already pulling off a generous chunk of the baked good to hand off to her. The sound of a certain someone whose lap Y/N's legs are outstretched onto from beneath the table scoffing distracts her from the first bite.

"I know you prefer oatmeal raisin, you traitor," JJ says.

Their brunette friend's brows scrunch.

"Why is she a traitor?"

They try to keep from making any faces or giving anything away, but Y/N has to stifle the sound of her choking on her mouthful of cookie at the question. You'd think one of them came out and asked if they were dating or something with how she reacts, and she feels JJ squeeze her ankle in a non-verbal way of telling her to hold it together. It was her idea in the first place, yet he's a lot smoother with keeping it under the radar.

Under it all, the aspect of keeping it a secret does unnerve him to a degree. He doesn't think he'd be brave enough to communicate it, especially not when their relationship remains undefined, but the darker side of his mind wonders...

He shrugs, saying, "Cause we were friends first. Duh. Other than John B, I've known her the longest."

None of them stop to acknowledge the identical aches in their hearts at the mentioning of his name. They skip right over it like it never happened. After the funeral a few days ago, they've filled their quota on mushy-gushy sad talk for the next week and a half.

The real reason is something far more complicated than him having a claim staked on her loyalty through having the longest friendship. It's something tied up in days of slowly getting pulled into one another's worlds like the tug of gravity itself, in how he has to refrain from slipping his arm around her waist in the hallway or kissing her goodbye after a sleepover at the Chateau. But until she gives him the go-ahead, he won't let it slip to anyone.

Pope speaks up from beside him, "You literally met her twenty minutes before we did."

"Still counts. Technically, I did meet her first, so her betraying Team Oatmeal Raisin is enough to be tried for treason in Pogue Court."

"Pogue Court isn't a thing."

He crosses his arms after he pops the rest of the cookie into his mouth.

"It is now. You can be tried for treason for breaking the rules. Rule number one is that all Pogues have to admit oatmeal raisin is superior."

He's about to ball up the cling wrap to throw away later when the surfboard sticker catches his attention again. It's the same color as his board, which he'd like to think is a result of her being an evil mastermind that went out to get this sticker sheet for the sole purpose of teasing him, but he's the one who got her the sheet as a gift for her birthday, so he knows it was pure coincidence.

Last second, he peels the sticker away from the cling wrap and looks down to place it over the top of her yellow converse that were once a vibrant, paler color when Big John got them for her, but have since turned into an ugly mustard/dirt-dusted color they heckle her over.

"What are the other rules?" Y/N asks.

One of the hands holding onto where her feet are casually planted in his lap, something that they've done long enough that their friends won't see it as anything odd, slides down to caress the stretch of skin beneath the frayed hem of her dark jeans. Something she didn't know about him before whatever it is they have together started was that he constantly needs to be touching her. She can't say she doesn't love it though.

Pope answers, "The oatmeal raisin rule is not official"—a pointed glance at JJ—"But I'd assume the rest of the rules of Pogue Court would be no lying and no macking."

"So, basically you two break almost every rule except the oatmeal raisin one, and I lie," JJ says and turns to look at her, "How does it feel to be better than everyone, Y/N?"

"Pretty good, not gonna lie."

He keeps caressing little circles and tracing up and down her skin beneath the flared out pant leg of her jeans while he swipes his phone off of the table top without attracting the attention of their friends, who continue on to a new topic. She isn't too focused on what it is. She only picks up that it has something to do with a class they're in that's more advanced that hers, so she promptly checks out of the conversation.

Ever since John B died, she hasn't been performing too well in school. She tries, truly tries, but her mind outright refuses to absorb any of the information. When she reads her assigned reading, she hovers over the same paragraphs over and over until she shuts the book in a huff and hides it in her backpack again. Losing someone you love has a surprising amount of side effects.

Her phone buzzing in her hand brings her away from the impending cloud of doom that often accompanies any thoughts of John B, and when she taps in her passcode, her brother's birthday, a message bubble appears with a banner displaying JJ's contact name.

JJ (Derogatory) ur a good liar. prob could've fooled me if i weren't the one macking on u

Their eyes meet for a second across the table, then he watches her thumbs move to type a response.

Kief Princess Little do they know I break every rule now that I've switched sides on the cookie debate. Kinda impressive ngl.

JJ (Derogatory) triple threat, baby

JJ (Derogatory) thanks for the cookie btw

She smiles to herself, so wrapped up in their own world that she doesn't notice everyone in the room starting to pack up their stuff in anticipation of the bell that is due to ring any second now.

Kief Princess Had to repay you for last night somehow ;)

When she glances up to see his reaction, she watches his chest rise with a particularly large inhale, and he chews on the inside of his lip in thought.

JJ (Derogatory) strategically bringing up last night so i'm turned on in physics? ur an evil mastermind

Kief Princess I try.

Kief Princess Apparently whooping your sorry ass at surfing isn't the only thing I'm good at.

She hears him scoff.

JJ (Derogatory) first of all, ouch. second, u barely beat me

Kief Princess I'm happy to challenge you to a rematch. I have plans with Kie tonight, so I can't till this weekend. All it'll prove is that I am the rightful winner, but we knew that already.

JJ (Derogatory) what r the stakes this time

Kief Princess No sexual favors. If you beat me (fat chance) I'll formally rejoin team oatmeal raisin.

JJ (Derogatory) :( sex makes it more fun but i still accept those conditions

JJ (Derogatory) team oatmeal raisin needs u, even if ur a traitor

Kief Princess Why bet sexual favors if you're just gonna fuck me after anyway?

JJ (Derogatory) good point

The sound of the bell ringing echoes through the cafeteria, and they both pop their heads up from their phone screens to see everyone, including Pope and Kie, already packed up and raising from their seats to scurry off in the direction of their next classes. Meanwhile, their stuff is all bestrewn across the table, particularly JJ's belongings.

The sight of Kie walking away makes Y/N ask after her, "We're still on for tonight, right?

She stops with Pope's hand interwoven in hers. The look on her face when she turns would make you think she got caught doing something she wasn't meant to. Something like forgetting about the plans they made last week to watch Fear Street together. The Cherry Bowl Drive-In is premiering the first two movies as a double feature for the horror movie buffs of Kildare, so they decided to get tickets. Kiara shares a fondness of horror movies with her. Since gory movies make the boys squirm, though JJ pretends they don't, it's their own thing.

"Actually, Pope and I were gonna go to the beach. I'm sorry."

JJ knows she's more upset about it than she lets on, but Y/N simply gives the pair a smile that doesn't reach the eyes.

The sound of JJ behind her makes them laugh on their way out, diffusing the minor tension lingering in the air from the awkward encounter, "Use protection!"

After their friends offer them a goodbye, they gather their stuff quite leisurely, not really caring about being late.

It's something they've talked about before here or there: her feelings surrounding Kiara and Pope's sudden relationship. It's not as if she harbors any ill feelings for them, she doesn't, but the ripple effects of their pairing on the group, and more importantly the girls' own friendship, couldn't be clearer from her perspective. Between the missed hangouts, forgotten plans, and the convenient way she never seems to have time to hang out with her and JJ unless Pope is there too, it's been building up for a month now.

What makes it sting the most is how close her and Kie used to be. They didn't hit it off immediately the way she and JJ did as children until her thirteenth birthday when no one she invited showed up to the party Big John helped her set up in the yard of the Chateau.

She was the one who rallied the boys together to walk to ask their school friends from the year above to come hang out for an hour or two, promising a slice of the wonky-looking but delicious strawberry cake her and John B spent the morning crafting together. She can remember the sound of their high-pitched laughs and the cloud of flour that hung in the kitchen when they high-fived over the finished product like it was yesterday. In her heart, it was yesterday.

That night was when she fell in love with her friends, and that was when she first knew Kiara was her best friend. They wove friendship bracelets on each other that night and wore them for years until they withered away. No one had ever done something like that for her before. Not even JJ.

"You okay?"

Feeling his hand on her arm, slipping down to take her hand for a moment in the seclusion of the empty cafeteria, makes her glance up at him with a distinct sorrow washed over her features.

You know what? Screw this. Why should she be torn up over Kie and let it ruin her excitement for the double feature tonight? There's no way in hell she's letting her best friend ditching her for her boyfriend get in the way of her plans.

"Do you wanna go on a date tonight?" she asks him abruptly, then adds, "To the Cherry Bowl with me instead of Kie?"

The question sparks a pause in his mind, a halt of hesitation in which he worries about her avoiding having to answer what he asked, but he attempts to play it cool and not fuss over her outwardly. There have been times where being treated like that has made her feel suffocated, so he doesn't want to risk it. When she's ready, she'll talk about it, and if she takes too long and buries her feelings, then he'll intervene. For now, he tries to keep his face neutral despite the frown tempting his lips at her disappointment.

JJ looks around once more before throwing his arm around her shoulder to walk her out.

"You bet your ass I do."

What is a person supposed to act like on their first date that's not actually a date cause everything between them is the same, but kinda is a date because they called it one? If you ever find out, please find JJ and tell him because he has no clue.

Pope wasn't too much help in the Instagram group chat he made for it seeing as his and Kie's relationship is too fresh, John B isn't even alive, so he's out of service for advice unless there's Ouija Board he can borrow, and, thankfully, Kiara was his savior.

Their phones began blowing up as soon as he reached his class after lunch period ended. He couldn't under any circumstances let it be known that this mystery girl he had a date with was their friend, but thankfully Y/N already had the alibi of going to the Drive-In alone. All he had to do was make up a fake date scenario and get basic advice.

danknugstickiestickies added kiara-c and popeheyward to the groupchat

danknugstickiestickies named the group HELP ME

danknugstickiestickies i have a date with this chick i met on the beach when i was out with y/n last week. i need ur advice

His phone screen lit up with the notification that both of his friends were typing, signified with the three dot symbol bouncing in the bottom left corner as he thought it through. They couldn't possibly figure it out, right? They'd been careful, he'd been respectful of her wishes, and they'd been too busy together to notice anything new with them. He figured it would work. It was a risk, sure, but it was worth it to him. He didn't want to fuck this up with her.

Knowing her, she probably wouldn’t even treat it differently than any of their other hang outs. It's not like they haven't been romantic or sexual with each other. They've done everything but go out on an actual date, so why was he nervous?

kiara-c ummmm

popeheyward Yeah, I'm gonna need you to ELABORATE!!

kiara-c did hell freeze over? since when does jj maybank go out on dates??

danknugstickiestickies renamed the group hell froze over

kiara-c very funny, I'm laughing so hard 😐

popeheyward Do we know her?

danknugstickiestickies don't think u do. she moved here last week and hasn't enrolled in school yet. her name's steph

popeheyward What about Y/N though?

kiara-c ^^

JJ's chest muscles tightened with the question prompting a rush of anxiety that made his breathing feel slightly harder. He glanced up at his Physics teacher, who was essentially dozing off behind his desk with his hand in a bag of chips and an educational video on the projector as an excuse to not teach, and looked back down at his phone without the added stress of possibly getting his phone confiscated.

Pope's message might as well have been a sucker punch. Forget butterflies, he set a wasp’s nest loose inside of his stomach to tie it into knots and flip it every which way. His neglected textbook served as a prop for his phone to lean on as he set it down to think.

Did they know? As far as he was aware, they were getting away with it. No evidence, concrete or circumstantial, was there to prove it. At least the stress of the situation killed any chance of him being turned on by her reminder of last night in their messages. This shit was boner repellant of the highest degree.

He played stupid. Better to let them volunteer whatever information they had before he went in saying anything incriminating that they didn't already know. If anything would sour the experience of their first date, it would be him accidentally making their strange in-between relationship public behind her back.

danknugstickiestickies ?? what do u mean

Three dots bounced in the bottom left corner of his slightly cracked phone screen.

popeheyward ...

kiara-c I mean, you don't see it?

danknugstickiestickies see what

popeheyward I guess we were wrong, but all of us always thought you two had some feelings going on.

"You don't say?" JJ murmured sarcastically to himself under his breath. "Never crossed my mind, Pope."

danknugstickiestickies bro that's jb's little sister

kiara-c so?

danknugstickiestickies forbidden fruit? making john b roll over in his grave? do those ring a bell or am i speaking in tongues

He was already a proficient liar in real life, but, fuck, it was easy in text messages. There's no chance at deciphering facial expression or tone, just a plain message with no room to budge. Thank God he didn't do this in person with them. He could've survived, but it wouldn't have been as quick and painless as the group chat was.

kiara-c jeez, sorry

Pope didn't voice it, but he noticed something.

He looked up from his phone and stared off at the wall in thought in his AP European History class. It piqued his interest that JJ simply said she was off limits, forbidden fruit as he put it, but did not outright deny having feelings for her. In fact, he didn't even address the question. He made excuses for why he shouldn't have feelings for her, but he never said he didn't have feelings for her.

Kie did not notice. Not because she wasn't smart enough to either, but because she was too busy hiding her phone behind her backpack to think too deeply about it. Her teacher was one of those teachers that would flip shit if they saw a cell phone turned off and faced down on the desk, let alone being used by a student during a lesson.

In his classroom across the hallway, JJ bounced his leg up and down beneath his desk in an absentminded urge to release the built up energy the anxiety produced in an over abundance.

popeheyward Our bad then. Even John B thought y'all were sus lmao.

Since when was that a known fact? Could he tell? Did he talk to Pope about him and Y/N before he died? Either way, it wasn't the time to pry about it.

kiara-c yeah you guys honestly could've fooled me if you wanted to

danknugstickiestickies well thank u, glad ur invested in our friendship but

danknugstickiestickies please help, i have no fucking clue how to act on a date and this girl is too cool for me to screw this up

That was when they finally dropped the interrogation session and started offering up tips. The best ones came from Kie, which made sense to him since women are more likely to know what other women like than two dudes who share one collective brain cell and never had real relationships.

Rule One: Be ready to pick her up five minutes early.

He wasn't ready to pick her up five minutes early. His bike broke down by the time he made it halfway down his street, so he had to push it back up the road and into the yard before setting off on foot to reach the Chateau quickly enough. And by quickly enough, it means he got there five minutes late, not early.

Rule Two: Compliment her after you get in the car.

She tossed him the keys to the Twinkie from across the hood, not giving him the chance to open the door for her, and it wasn't until they were setting off down the road that he remembered the next piece of advice he was given.

Side-eyeing her in his peripheral vision, he tried to find something to compliment her on specifically rather than the general compliments about her being pretty that she never fully believes when he says them. He was intending to say something about the skirt she had on, but when he chanced a glance over at her, she caught him and asked—

"What is it?"

Sent into panic mode, JJ blurted out instead, "I like your shoes."

He could've bashed his face against the steering wheel twenty times right then and there at the utter absence of reaction on her part for the next few uncomfortable seconds. It wasn't that it was a bad compliment. She appreciates any compliments at all...but her shoes were hidden from his view. Not to mention, they were the dirty, mustard yellow converse that the Pogues bash on a daily basis.

She laughed, lifting her leg to expose the sneaker on her right foot, and asked, "These? Dude, you roast me for these all the time. You and John B said they look like Big Bird shit on them."

The skin on the apples of his cheeks scorched hot with embarrassment, and he was never so glad that the overhead lights in the van were burnt out until that moment. He would've died on the spot if she saw him blush like that, face flushed pinker than sunburn. All he could do to save himself was murmur something about the color growing on him and keep driving in the direction of the theater with his hands white-knuckling the steering wheel he fantasized about banging his face into.

Rule Three: Insist on picking up the check.

In this case, it meant insist on buying the popcorn and drinks, and he miraculously managed to drop his wallet somewhere along the way when he ran over to the Chateau, so when he stepped up to the makeshift concession stand with her standing at his side, he felt around for his wallet in his jeans to no avail.

His thoughts echoed back to him, You gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously? Is this actually happening right now?

"JJ, it's honestly fine," she said softly as he leaned over to search back of the Twinkie for the wallet. "We can look for it on your street right now if you want. It has your ID and stuff, you don't want a stranger to have that. We don't need to stay—"

It took all of his control to not shout it in reaction when he said, "No way. You've been waiting for this, and Kie ditched you, so I ain't ditching you too. We're staying."

His wallet could go kick rocks.

He came too far to be dragged down by the old leathery piece of shit anyway. Would he go out and search for it tirelessly the second the date ended? Hell yeah, that fucker had twenty dollars and his debit card in it, but he couldn't bear the thought of abandoning her or ruining her anticipated movie night by taking her out to search the streets with their phone flashlights for a wallet they might not find. He'd wait till the movies ended, take her home, then haul ass around the Cut searching for it after.

Thankfully, he found a couple bucks crumbled up in his front pocket while she scavenged for coins in the glove compartment, and they came up with enough to buy a water bottle and small popcorn to share together.

Rule Four: Don't have sex on the first date.

And it may sound easy enough to not act like a complete Neanderthal for the length of two movies, but the girl makes it pretty damn difficult if he's to say so himself.

That's what led him here, laying in the back of the sideways-parked Twinkie in the farthest corner of the outdoor theater with her practically on top of him. In any other instance, he wouldn't be opposed in the slightest, but with the cursed fourth rule in mind, he isn't too thrilled with the feeling of her hand rubbing up and down his thigh.

It isn't even meant to be sexual. They're constantly touching one another this way. She'll even slip her hands up under his shirt just to feel the warmth of his skin or when he asks her if she can get an itch on a part of his back he can't reach, but for some reason his brain is short circuiting right now.

The thing is, when Kie and Pope said he shouldn't do it on the first date, they meant it for his and Steph's made up circumstances, not his and Y/N's full-blown relationship without labels. When you've had sex with someone as many times as they have with each other, the hesitancy on the "first date" is nonexistent. It doesn't matter. But JJ, trying to follow the advice given to him to the letter for the sake of being the date she deserves, doesn't think about it that way.

It shouldn't be this nerve-wracking. They've been best friends since they were children, they've been flirting since they found out what basic attraction was in the first place, and they've been forming this relationship ever since John B died. Why can't he relax? Why is this so different compared to how easy it felt between them yesterday on the beach or today at lunch?

Rule Five: Be yourself.

It takes him another few moments of laying here with her before he realizes quite abruptly what went wrong in a quick flash of a thought that brings the fifth rule back to him. The problem wasn't the bike, or the weird compliment about her Big Bird sneakers, or the lost wallet.

The problem is him. The problem is that he's trying way too hard to make this something it isn't. The part about them that he adores so dearly is how they never have to try when they're together. With any other girl or guy, they'd have to fake something or act a certain way, yet when they're together, they can simply exist and everything is runs smoothly. That's not to say they don't disagree or bump heads, they do, but short of those outlier moments, it's easier than anything else they do in life.

His eyes flicker away from the screen for the first time since the movie began, which, by the way, is gruesome enough at times that he had to divert his eyes to prevent himself from seeing it happen. They land on where she lays, completely content with the night in spite of its mishaps, with her head propped up on the pillows they brought from the Chateau.

He wonders if she can tell he's acting differently. Surely she must notice. She's the type of person that typically never misses a thing, perfect for the gold hunt they went on in the summer with picking up the clues and helping her brother unravel the mystery, so maybe she noticed how flustered this date has him. Does it bother her? Does he bother her?

With a confirming glance back up at the movie to see nothing important happening, he can't fight the urge to speak anymore.

"Can I tell you something?"

His voice appearing through the darkness of the shut off van after spending the past half hour in complete silence makes her jolt at first before realizing who it was. Though she loves horror movies, she can't claim to not be affected by them. The night she falls asleep after watching one, she often finds herself compelled to turn a light on and keep her feet from dangling off the edge of the bed. It's worth the fear, though.

When she turns to look at JJ, there's a warm smile on her face. She's cuddled into his side with a hand placed casually atop his thigh, caressing with no purpose or intent, and her movement halts when the light from the movie on the projector allows her to see the expression on his face.

Anxiety has become an increasingly significant presence in his life with the recent events in mind; John B and Sarah, the four-hundred million dollars they lost out on, and dodging his father whenever he sneaks home to switch out the backpack of clothes and personal belongings he keeps at the Routledge house.

It manifests itself in jittery nerves, stomach pains, shortness of breath, and, at worst, panic attacks striking either at random or in response to a specific trigger. It's one of the few things he still tries to hide from her, and she tries not to push him too hard with opening up about it.

She abandons the movie for the time being and rolls onto her side to face him, upper body propped up on her elbow as she examines his face with downturned features.

"Of course," she says.

The words left unsaid are, "You can tell me anything. Whenever you need someone to listen, or to talk to about shit, you can tell me." He's heard her say it enough that he doesn't need to hear it now to know it's true.

There's a pause, then—

"I feel like I fucked this entire date up," he starts to ramble and cuts her off before she can think about saying what she wants to, "and I know it's okay to you. You have way too high of a tolerance for my bullshit, and I've been trying so hard to make this perfect, but all that did was screw it up."

She's left quiet for a second, taking it all in.

Maybe if he hadn't been so anxious about it, he would've realized what was wrong with his bike when he rode it home from school, or he would've noticed his wallet fall out of his pocket. The point is, he wishes he hadn't let the label attached to this freak him out so much. He isn't sure why it does, but it does.

But she doesn't do what he expects. She isn't drowning him in reassurances and, "It's okay's" because she knows he doesn't care for them much. When he, the most stubborn person she knows, apologizes for something he did, he doesn't want it to turn into the person accepting the apology coddling him.

Y/N sighs.

"Is that why you've been acting so different all night? I scared you with the whole ‘date’ thing, didn't I? It doesn't have to be a date if you don't want it to be."

What she doesn't know is that he wants it to be a date. He wants it to be a date so badly, he risked Pope and Kie finding them out for the sake of getting some proper advice on it, and now he's caught up in the same game of tug and war in his mind that always occurs when he wants to tell her the truth about his feelings for her.

Part of him doesn't understand why he doesn't outright say it. With every other girl he once showed interest in, he had no issues in letting them know he wanted them, but this is different. This isn't simply wanting someone, he thinks he's fallen for her. But whenever he says he's gonna grow a pair and tell her after all this time, he chokes. Involuntarily, he's reminded of his parents. Other than his friends saying it platonically, the only people to tell him they loved him were them, and with how they treated him, he sure as hell doesn't think that is love.

From his dad's brutal physical abuse to his mom's abandonment, he's too timid to tell her he loves her because of what could happen if she loves him back. Everyone else that has said that to him has either hurt him, died like John B did, or abandoned him.

He won't let that happen with him and Y/N. What they have, albeit undefined and codependent, is safe. It's the only thing he has left. Maybe it isn't right, and maybe he should open up about it to communicate the correct way, but somewhere in the misshapen logic of his mind, he correlates love to abandonment. And he doesn't want that to happen with her.

There are two sides of him at battle inside his mind. One side, the side that wants to do right by their relationship and actually communicate his feelings for once in his life, wants him to tell her everything. The other side, the side that responds based on the history of his past, wants him to hide it all.

"Will you be mad at me if we don't call it a date?" he asks.

She shakes her head.

The heavy sensation inside of JJ's chest nears a point of vitriolic violence against him as he starts to realize what he's doing to her, clearly letting her down, but he can't stop himself. Like a passive witness watching himself from outside of his body, the instantaneous trauma response to the sudden confrontation of his true feelings for her guides his actions without his permission. It shuts down any protest he has.

The sound of the movie fills the gap of silence between them the entire time. It’s a variety of bloodcurdling screams and disgusting sounds that would've made him gag if he weren't as distracted.

They can make out each other's faces through the darkness, but barely. It takes a flash of bright color from the film or a nearby car's lights turning on for them to fully see one another. Without the other knowing, they both put masks of calm and collected coolness on their faces despite the feelings raging beneath the surface—more so on his part than hers.

"Maybe," he says, pausing, "we should just keep things the way they've been."

As soon as the words leave his mouth, a soul-crushing amount of disappointment weighs her down. She said it was fine if he doesn't want it to be a date—and it is, she would never hold it against him—but that doesn't mean it can't hurt her. Things have been going so well, she almost thought...If tonight went well, she was thinking about no longer keeping it a secret, but if he said he wants things to stay the same, then maybe he isn't as ready for it as she is?

Meanwhile, JJ is on another page entirely.

She's embarrassed of being with you, a familiar voice in the back of his head croons. She's gonna leave just like everyone else does. If she doesn't even wanna tell your friends, why should you pretend you're dating?

The internal comments are the type that cause him to physically grimace when he's alone. Intrusive thoughts are just that: intrusive.

Sneaking into the guarded sanctuary of a person's mind, they set out to convince them the opposite of their reality. The only thing is, where most people's minds are guarded sanctuaries with walls of impregnable defense, his mind is the equivalent of a fortress blown to smithereens. The castle walls lay in rubble, the guards no where to be seen, and the path for these thoughts to slip past and straight to the vulnerability of his mind is left wide open.

In the privacy of his room, these thoughts attack him the most at night when he tries to fall asleep—when things get too quiet. With nobody around, when they get this bad there's nothing he can do except break down. It builds from the mere anxiety of attempting to force the thoughts away to full-blown panic attack mode. The more he resists them, the more aggressive they become. He'll gasp for air with tears streaming down his face, hitting his head with the heel of his hand as if that'd do something to stop his relentless mind.

But he can't afford to react in front of her, so the extent of his reaction is a subtle twitch of his face that she cannot see in the momentary darkness before the movie switches to another scene a second later. In a way, it does make the thoughts go away to have her here preventing him from spiraling alone. Having to focus on her keeps his mind away for moments at a time until the thoughts ease their grip on him.

When she hasn't answered for a while, he asks, terrified that he did something bad, "Are we good?"

The question seems to wake her up, snapping her out of the lonely direction her thoughts went into when he "rejected" her. It takes every bit of common sense she has left to force herself to understand that this doesn't mean he doesn't want her. He does, and not calling this a date doesn't mean they won't be together in the way they have been since John B's death, but she isn't perfect. She gets as unsure and insecure as he does.

As if the cloud of doom was lifted off of her, she makes her face lighten where she lays on her side next to him. Seeing this expression makes his chest feel less heavy, and he could let out a sigh of relief at the realization that he didn't break her heart and stomp on it. He should've known. Y/N is the sweetest person he knows, so she never would've flipped shit over him not wanting to label this as a date. That's not how she is.

And he's partly right. It isn't how she is. She would never hold it against him if he didn't want something further with her since she got herself into this position by pursuing him with his reputation with girls in mind, but she can't ignore it. Whether she wants it to or not, it had its affect on her as soon as he said it.

She leans in to kiss him, their lips meeting in the middle with the faint taste of popcorn salt mingling at the soft peck.

When she pulls away, she brushes the hair back from his face and says, "Don't worry. Nothing can change how I feel about you."

She has no clue what it feels like to hear that from her.

Despite the turmoil they unknowingly share beneath the surface due to this conversation, he could cry hearing her say it. It doesn't feel real to him that she feels the same way he does about her, because nothing could change how he feels about her either. That’s why he manages to work up the courage to repeat it back to her, and, for now, this is the closest he's physically capable of coming to telling her the truth.

"Ditto," he says.

It isn't what she wanted, but it's close enough, and if she dwells on this any longer, she might start getting too emotional and let the urge to tear up become too strong. Why does she have to be this sensitive? It's no secret that it's remarkably easy to make her cry, but this is insane to her. When all of this began with him, she didn't give a shit about him not wanting a label. She understood him, and she understood that he doesn't do this kind of thing, so why has it changed? Why doesn't she want to keep it a secret anymore? Why does she want this to be a date when she knows he doesn't want it to be?

Pulled by an invisible string back to him to silence her mind, she leans in to kiss him again with a hand cupping the back of his neck to guide him the rest of the way to her.

It shouldn't be laced with any sexual intention. She should be kissing him simply because she wants to, and, in a way, she is. Their kisses and touches are never lacking the motivation that is their underlying connection and mutual feelings for one another, but this is not the same. As he kisses her back with as much confidence and passion as always, she is reeling from the conversation that reminded her too much of a breakup.

It takes another minute of this for the kiss to heat up, their breathing becoming shallower in the moments they part to inhale, and she is undeniably the one instigating when she officially crosses the line between casual and sexual by crawling onto his lap. It's not hard for him to pick up on when their innocent moments take a turn. She's easy to read in that regard, and this has happened a multitude of times with them, so the shift of a mini make out session turning into something more is nothing out of the ordinary for them.

If he knew how shaken she is on the inside, he'd never want this. And the same would go for her if she knew what he was thinking before this. Neither of them wants to admit what they're feeling.

With her legs seated on either side of his hips, she kisses him like it's the last time she'll ever get the opportunity to. Her hands wander wherever they can, pulling at his shirt and feeling him up as his hands guide her hips to move against his in a steady grinding that she has no issue partaking in. It's an eagerness he hasn't seen from her in weeks. She's never un-excited when it comes to being physical with him either, but this is another level. The last time a girl was all over him like this, it was desperate touron at a party a few months ago.

In the span of time it takes her to glance over her shoulder to see if anyone could see them and reach to pull her skirt up until it bunches around her hips—no one can see them, by the way, since they got here late and were forced to cram the van into the back corner of the lot with no street lights illuminating the path—his brows raise at her presumptuous behavior. Not that he's one to complain, however, seeing as he's typically the one doing what she is.

Their next kiss clashes their teeth hard enough to make them wince, but he loves it. It makes him smirk into her parted mouth, alive with both the feeling her reassurance provided and the fuzzy-headed high that often finds him when they're together in this way. Incomparable to past flings or the high related to any drugs, she is the peak of everything to him. It's no contest.

His chest stutters against hers with a bout of amused laughter, asking within a brief pause in what feels like the most JJ thing he's said this awkward night, "Two for two in the Twinkie. What's gotten into you?"

Y/N's hand dips between where their bodies move together to unclasp the closed buckle of his belt in one smooth motion that has it falling apart with a clinking noise.

Her features are set with a look that tells him she means business. Whatever it is that sparked this, he wonders how the fuck to make it happen again another time. She's begged for it before, but never taken control so dominantly, and he can't deny what the role reversal does to him. The evidence is obvious in the distinct hardness she feels pressing up against the hand undoing his jeans.

"I was hoping it'd be you," she says, voice breathless and airy from the constant contact in a way that makes it ten times hotter for him.

If there were any chance of him not being in the mood prior to this, which wasn't the case anyway, it's gone now. He never wants to hear her say she doesn't deliberately try to tease him ever again.

He doesn't need to be told twice.

JJ surges forward to capture her mouth with his, this time with no intention of pulling away to breathe or speak again. No, he'll let himself get lightheaded and dizzy if it means he can stay with her for as long as possible.

With the circumstances of it all, them being visible to someone if they happened to pass by the open door of the van, they move at a pace quicker than usual. She's immediately helping him shimmy his jeans and underwear far enough down his hips to free his dick from the confines of his clothes, making him sigh out a breath of relief when her hand brushes against him in the process.

There's no opportunity to slow down, it has exploded into a full-throttle speed race that neither of them can halt.

His hand blindly flies out beside him to grope the floor of the van for the set of keys he tossed carelessly to the side once the movie started, eyes shut in the midst of the hot, messy kiss they share. His fingers find the fabric of one of the blankets they brought in case they got cold, then drifts again and lands on her Big Bird sneakers until he feels the sharp metal of her keys meet his calloused palm.

After the events of last summer, she bought a switch blade to keep on her key ring alongside the keys to the van, HMS Pogue, and Chateau. She may not like violence or weapons, seeing as she was a skeptic of JJ keeping the gun alongside her friends, but she saw it necessary. Between Rafe, Topper, and Kelce, how could she leave the safety of her and her friends up to chance knowing what some of the kooks did to them not long ago? What happened to Pope on the golf course alone was enough to make her skin crawl.

Right now, though, the knife flips out from the pressure of his thumb pushing the button to release it. He holds it out away from her at first to assure it doesn't nick her in the process, then uses his other hand to tug the side of her panties that hugs her hip far out enough to press the sharp side of the blade onto the inside of it.

She can hardly believe what she's watching as JJ cuts the delicate maroon underthings from her body as if he were doing something so normal, like it's something he's done before. Her forehead is pressed against his, her mouth parted both in shock and in a need to pant for oxygen, and she watches the knife ruin her favorite panties. The stitches come apart with a satisfying ripping noise that can hardly be heard over the sound of people reacting to the movie in the background.

Other customers of the Cherry Bowl Drive-In are too glued to the screen as a beloved character is chased down, reacting in shouts when she's seized by the killer and shoved onto the table of an industrial bread slicer, so they remain wholly unnoticed.

The lace, now ripped in half, dangles on the tip of the knife when he lifts it away from her, tosses it aside, and presses the button once more to retract the blade. It clatters to the floor, but is in no way forgotten with them resuming in a desperation to keep going until they both satisfy the need clawing at them from the inside. But her sense of need is different from his, and even with the fresh memory of him with the switch blade in mind, she's still somewhere else the whole time.

Her mind is faraway, muted through layers of sadness, anger, and disappointment as he reaches between them to line himself up to her entrance. The sensation of him running his cock, hard and messy with a few drops of precome, through her dripping pussy to coat it in her slick arousal is enough to make her moan pathetically. Yet when he's about to guide himself inside of her, she stops him.

"Wait, wait, wait," she breathes out rapidly, heart pounding so hard she can feel herself pulsating between her thighs, "Condom."

They were so antsy to get to it, they almost forgot.

"Fuck," he curses under his breath, and his eyes flicker from where they were trained between their bodies to glance back and forth around the van before it hits him. "I lost my wallet..."

But right when he thinks their public rendezvous in the back of the Drive-In is over due to his unfortunate mistake, she shakes her head and slips away from her perch astride his lap to crawl over to her bag.

She fumbles with the old tote bag and plunges her arm in to sift through the hodge podge of things that are purely Y/N in nature—stickers, glitter pens, a half-eaten bag of candy, etc—for the square foil package she decided to toss in before she left just in case. She usually doesn't keep them on her because he never fails to have one, but, thankfully, she had the random instinct to bring it tonight.

The only thing to bring her out of her cloudy, malevolent storm of feelings when she settles back onto his lap with the condom wrapper ripped open for him is him saying, "So you planned this, huh?" with his mouth tipped in a familiar self-satisfied grin.

She didn't plan it. In fact, she threw herself at him the second she sensed him withdrawing from her and can't stop herself despite the fact that she constantly feels two seconds away from letting a tear slip down her cheek. If that counts as "planning it", then sure.

"Maybe so," she answers, cool, calm, and collected—the antithesis of the truth.

They usually don't lie to each other.

They're thrown right back into it without any other hiccups once he rolls the condom on, and he takes in a shaky breath at her hand wrapping around him to align their bodies up. Before she can do anything, though, he takes chance to swipe the blanket he found a moment ago and wrap it around her back to keep her covered in case they get caught.

Y/N sinks down onto his cock with her lip caught between her teeth to stifle the sound that threatens to escape. JJ, on the other hand, doesn't bother concealing the sound of the groan he makes at the sensation of having her wrapped around him like this. The tension in her entire body from the anticipation and the looming threat of being seen by someone has her squeezing him so tightly, he can't help but be a little louder than he should.

Her soft palm slaps over his mouth with enough pressure to force his groan to quiet itself, and she watches his pretty blue eyes widen in reaction to the dominant action. Who is this girl and what has she done with his sweet, submissive Y/N? Don't get him wrong, he is very turned on by it, but it's unlike her to take the lead this way. He can't figure it out.

"What's wrong, angel?" she asks in a whisper into his ear, her hand over his mouth and her hips starting to slowly rock against him, "Watch the movie."

Once the words leave her mouth, she drops her hand, just in case he wants to stop and can't say anything because she had his mouth covered, and JJ is pretty sure he's died and gone to heaven.

He doesn't watch the movie, not at all, because he's too busy watching her. For someone losing their mind internally, she does not let it show, nor does she let it distract her from what's happening. If anything, the distraction in this situation is the sex, not what's going on inside of her head.

There's a moment of adjustment and going as slowly and gently as possible while waiting for the dull pressure of feeling him inside of her to fade away, but, for the most part, she doesn't waste any time. As soon as she feels comfortable enough with the ache between her thighs giving way to a spark of pleasure when she grinds her clit down on his pubic bone, she starts to ride him at a better pace than the initial slow movements of her hips.

She raises herself up and takes him again inch by inch, enjoying the sense of fullness she gets from having to fit him in spite of the slight discomfort at first, and she could swear that he'll leave bruises in the shape of his handprints with how tightly he clutches her hips. It's all he can do to prevent himself from moaning or saying something, ever the vocal lover she's come to know.

Unless his mouth is preoccupied like it was on the beach yesterday afternoon, JJ is usually impossible to shut up, especially in this context. With him always whispering dirty things to her, whether it be praises, pet names, or plans on what he wants to do to her, she has come to find it breathtakingly hot. He could likely get away with saying something if he wanted to, but he isn't sure he wants to risk it. If he opens his mouth to spew something filthy to her, he won't trust himself not to make a louder, different kind of noise that won't fit in the with background audio the other moviegoers are listening to.

The wet sound of their bodies colliding that fills the space of the van is drowned out by the loud and violent sequence occurring on the screen far ahead of them, and hearing it makes her bounce herself on him a little harder. She's fueled on by it all, and, strangely, what happened before she practically pounced on him is the main contributor.

Similarly to the nature of his intrusive thoughts, the harder she resists the memory of how it felt when he told her he didn't want this to be a date, the more forceful it is in its return. Her eyes trail down to watch where they connect with her forehead pressed to his, then she's thrown back into the feeling of helpless disappointment and insecurity. His head tips back against the window with his bottom lip dropped open and his brows furrowed just enough to create a crease on his forehead, and she's bombarded with the look of relief on his face when he realized he didn't have to be tied down to her with a label.

It makes her want to get rougher, harder, and she doesn't even care if it'll make her sore later on. She presses herself down so far every time she slides down on his cock, her teeth draw blood on her lip with how hard she must bite it to remain quiet. The pain of her hipbones rubbing against his doesn't even matter to either of them at this point. They're both too lost in the pleasure that has begun to take control of them to care about something as minuscule as that, or the burn in her thighs from the repetitive physical strain.

She grabs his wrist and brings his hand between them, flattening hers overtop of it and pressing down on the base of her abdomen in the midst of the increasingly feverish thrusts.

"Feel you here," she murmurs to him through a quiet moan, hoping he can hear it over the movie, and pushes down on his hand for emphasis. And if the way he reacts by cursing under his breath tells her anything, it's that he picked up on it. "JJ..."

He reaches out to grab her by the throat with his free hand and tug her forward to kiss him, as if something inside of him snapped in response to her doing that. The motions of her jolting up and down throws the already messy and uncoordinated kiss off-kilter, but they don't mind. It has them separating every time she lifts up, producing this heady little head rush from from them breathing in each other's air without actually letting their mouths meet in the middle.

Though they're trying their hardest not to alert anyone outside of what's happening, it didn't occur to him until now, when his eyes catch John B's old bandana swinging back and forth where it's secured around the rear view mirror.

They're worried about moaning while the entire fucking Twinkie is rocking with their movements. Well, at least it makes good use of the corny sticker he gifted John B last year as a gag gift. He tried to peel it off after JJ snuck it onto the side window to no avail. So, now Y/N is stuck with a sticker on her car reading, "If the van's a-rockin', come on in, we like orgies," rather than the more common phrase.

It almost makes him start laughing, and he prays no one takes that shit seriously, 'cause he is never intent on sharing this breathtaking girl. Ever.

Y/N isn't anywhere near laughing like he is, in fact, she's finding it difficult to keep herself together. She feels her eyes sting with the promise of tears, and she's never felt so pathetic before. Is she seriously about to cry during sex? Is she really that girl that is so ill-equipped to handle rejection, she can't get through it without tears?

She won't cry. Perhaps if he sees how glossy her eyes have become in a rare moment of good lighting, she can blame it on the hand around her throat putting pressure on the sides of her neck.

The worst part about her being near to crying is the timing of it.

The emotion of what she feels mentally mixes with the swirling, building sensation she feels in the pit of her stomach that tells her she's close to going over the edge, and it's so overwhelming. Was she imagining that their friendship had changed? More importantly, is this all she'll ever be to him? Sex is the only thing she's sure of with him, it's the only thing that doesn't require deeper emotions, and when the ground beneath their fragile relationship felt shaky...

He can feel her starting to unravel, and he knows that he'll come before she does if he doesn't do anything now, so he decides to take control.

JJ pulls the hand he had resting on her abdomen away as though he were burned by it, wrapping his arm around her waist to steady her body against his and using the hand around her neck for leverage to thrust up into her, effectively reducing her to a teary-eyed, moaning mess atop him. They both stopped caring about making noise the second he began to fuck her like this.

She cries out in ecstasy at the sudden change in pace and depth that has him hitting all the right places. Every time he thrusts up into her, just as rough as she wished for, the tip of his cock nudges into that perfect spot inside of her that makes her incapable of silencing her moans. This time, it's JJ that puts his hand over her mouth, letting the one he had around her neck move away to keep her from alerting everyone around them of what's happening.

There's nothing she can do to stop her climax as it barrels through her in its initial sweeping wave of bliss to contrast the venomous doubts in her mind. She's never felt such conflicting, yet powerful feelings before—the intensity of the physical pleasure that makes her whine into the palm of his hand, then the part of her mind replaying every word he said in their conversation before this.

Her body is rigid and tense through it all, squeezing down around his cock with the involuntary spasms of her orgasm, and he can't help himself anymore. All it takes are a few more frantic thrusts for him to bury himself inside of her one last time and spill into the condom, uncovering her mouth so he can drown out his own groans into a kiss.

Their skin sticks to their clothes on the inside with sweat from the exertion of their actions, and he can feel her stomach tremble where it presses up against his with each undulation of her hips that meet his as he rides it out.

But even with the added distraction of the sex, she can't rid herself of the feeling that started plaguing her as soon as things went awry. That was why he was acting weird all night. He must have been so worried about her thinking this was anything more than their typical hangouts that he couldn't bring himself to act normally.

She forces herself to look happy when they pull away from the kiss, panting, and JJ, unaware of what she's been thinking, doesn't notice the small deception.

Tag list: @gabiatthedisco