#they have it they just won't give it to me bc the ordering doctor wants nothing to do with me like he cannot be bothered

[thehightiefling]

x

[donttouchtheneednoggle]

how does one like. get a binder

[hinamie]

i normally don’t contribute much of my opinions on chapter content n themes bc a. i think my role in fandom spaces is that of a fanartist and I want to keep my art at the forefront, and b. I am Insecure about how little of the manga I have actually consumed and don’t think I have a solid foundation on which i can offer any coherent arguments or insight. generally I like to leave the long meta 2 people who have been genuinely invested in delving into the manga with the intent of analyzing it . y'all do gods work u are the reason i am not flying through this series completely blind

that being said, i am not here to give criticism on pacing or story cohesion bc quite simply, that is not my wheelhouse. i do, however, want to offer my 2 cents on the concept of choosing to live for others as someone who (like a lot of people is the vibe i’m getting) also struggles w depression and self-worth issues and sees aspects of themselves in megumi as a result. i want to reiterate tht this is not an analysis, these r just my gojo voice personal feelings n u r allowed 2 feel differently based on your own experience :)

let me just say first of all that I can 100% empathize with people wanting to see megumi choose to live fr himself after a lifetime spent in a system notorious fr stripping people of their agency and turning them into tools. i think in a perfect world he Does come to the realization that he’s worth living for. but i also think that him /not/ having crossed that bridge yet is also a very valid n realistic outcome. he's a kid, he's just had the worst experience of his life, he's traumatized and then some -- i only have a bachelor's in psychology and god knows i'm no doctor but personally i wouldn't call that a mental space where self-love is likely to stick

it’s hard to claw yourself out from rock bottom. to expect someone to immediately be able to make the transition from being in the worst mental state of their life to realizing that they are worthy as a person is a tall order that i honestly don't think many people wld b able to fulfil. /I/ certainly haven’t been, and living for others has honestly been what’s kept me going for a long fucking time. even when I’m not necessarily at a low point, I still rly struggle w liking myself n thinking i’m a good person, but what’s been a genuine lifeline fr me when i can't love myself is to direct that love Outwards. If nothing else I know that I have things I can create, and things I can offer others. I've spent countless hours forcing myself to acknowledge that, no matter how much i don’t believe them, if the people around me insist that they see something of value in me or in my work; something tht makes them love me Despite, then that alone is worth staying alive for.

i personally (although i can see how others wld disagree) don’t view the 'living for others' frame of mind as waiting for someone to save you, but rather as holding out hope that there is More out there than your own self-loathing will let you believe. For megumi, it wld seem that his something more was the people he cares about. Yuuji gave him the agency to choose whether or not to keep living, and megumi made that decision of his own accord, which fr someone at their absolute lowest is still a huge achievement! there was agency in that decision, there was selfishness--regardless of the underlying motivation it proved that he /wants/ to live. little side note but i think that megumi Making a selfish decision to live for others' sake should also give a bit of hope that he does have it in him to eventually be able to b equally selfish in the value he places on himself.

anyway that's what i got source: i'm depressed . n look i get that with so little of jjk left, it Is frustrating that we probably Won't see megumi come to the conclusion that he's worthy and that he should live for and love himself. but at the same time i don't think that his decision to keep living for others should b condemned either, bc as someone who has also yet to cross that bridge, sometimes that rly is the first step

[nyc3]

Hey I have a question. I never saw the movie nor I want to see it +Nine sounds cool as fuck but....bk is in the movie) my question here is......why shig killed Nine?

When that scene was reblogged on Twitter I had the impression it was smth like "nine was using his name and shig wasn't pleased" ...can't be that bc this makes sense. Too much sense.

So did shig just kill the guy bc yes?

Maybe afo or the Dr evil asked shig to do so... which is plausible but damn...what waste. And it cements once again shig as a npc.

I'll try to explain this the best I can, because tbh nothing about this situation makes sense to me even today. And some context of the movie as well.

The movie starts with a scene of the LOV transporting Nine while he was still on a medical capsule inside a truck. There's a reference to this situation in the manga when the doctor request Shigaraki to deliver "something" for him.

But here's a thing: neither the movie or the prequel chapter Horikoshi made explain where Nine was being delivered or what the doctor intended to do with him in case he arrived to destiny. It feel that missing context is important.

In any case, the heroes attack the truck trying to arrest the league. The truck is destroyed in the battle and this allows Nine to escape and go back with his team.

Then we got a couple of scenes were Shigaraki seem to be tracking Nine activities, also using Hawks to do the research job for them (it's worth mentioning the events of the movie are supposed to happen at some point after MVA).

And after all this... nothing really, the movie drops this subplot and Shigaraki only appears again in the end when he comes out of literally nowhere to kill Nine. Allow me to ask how they even know his exact location? The black goo teleportation quirk doesn't even work like that btw.

Just like you my first assumption was Garaki ordered him to do so, maybe because after the spectacle Nine did in the island the doctor decided to eliminate him for security reasons. But we never got any indication of this being the case, in fact there's a scene when Garaki explicitly tells Shigaraki to not touch "it" (Nine).

Things became more confusing because in MVA when Shigaraki gives Garaki one of his edgy speeches about destroying everything he hates, there's a small cameo of Nine among the things crusty boy hates.

On a side note: this is technically Nine's first ever appearance, even before the movie itself was released. A sort of foreshadow for what it coming.

But going back to the point: why Shigaraki hates Nine so much in the first place? We never got a clear reason for any of this, isn't like they ever interacted, the only time before the movie they have some kind of contact was the prequel chapter focused on Nine, and that was only Shigaraki looking at Nine through a window.

Also the final scene when crusty boy kills Nine for some reason makes it sounds the situation is very personal? Like if Shigaraki hold some grudge against Nine for some reason.

And the line "I agree, there only can be one king" doesn't make any sense because isn't like Shigaraki knew about Nine's ideology and his desire of rule the world. The writers makes it seem to be like they both interacted and had a long term rivalry for some reason, but that never happened.

Oh and it's extra hilarious how Shigaraki killing Nine for no reason directly contradicts this other little scene:

If crusty a**hole always intended to be "a hero for villains" (as the story seem to pretend) what about Nine then? Idk but for me killing a defendless man while he was crawling on the ground doesn't seem too heroic.

Let's not forget Nine was a real hero for villains without presume about it. He saved the life of Chimera, Slice and Mummy in a way Shigaraki wish to be able to do with the lov.

Honestly is funny to think all this one directional hate Shigaraki feels for Nine could be just crusty boy being jaleous, which won't be surprise considering Nine is superior to him in everyway possible.

But well, thinking about this on a perspective outside the story itself an explanation of why Nine was killed maybe is because Horikoshi just needed a reason to get rid of him, as his presence might be problematic for the course of the main story. I mean it would be a bit suspicious to have another AFO possible vessel who happens to be better than Shigaraki, and Nine is the only movie main villain to be permanently killed on screen, while all the others like Wolfram and Flect survived.

Anyway, all this festival of bs let a bitter taste in my mouth.

Needless to say, such a good villain like Nine surely deserved way better than he got.

[frankiensteinsmonster]

PSA FOR HOW TO GET YOUR DR TO HELP YOU IF THEY ARE REFUSING TO HELP BEYOND THE SAME 12 COPING SKILLS YOU'VE BEEN HEARING SINCE YOU WERE 12

if you've been dealing with XYZ disorder for the longest, and you've Tried all the coping mechanisms and lifestyle changes your doctors asked you to try

And nothing is working and it's obvious you need medicine, mobility aids, etc, and your doctor insists on you Doing Not That Stuff Despite Your Lived Experience when you just KNOW you won't be able to continue/do the things at All/not in an adequate amount without

You're allowed to say so

I needed a wheelchair (for ambulatory use), doctor says I should do standing exercises to get myself walking again and she's concerned about weight gain and deconditioning. You'll notice that's the exact opposite of what I know I need. So I explained to hear in plain words, the chair is what will give me the ability to exercise. The chair will help because I won't be spending all of my energy on simply being awake and standing and walking. The exercise is Not Happening because I don't have a chair. End of.

Same with medicine, if you need something that will help you with executive function, but your doctor wants to set an alarm or write stuff down and do a little countdown or set yourself up to do things based on certain daily triggers. When you know good and well you've tried all those things and you just Need medication. Tell them that. They like to forget you need to be Not Experiencing The Specific Symptom in order to do the coping. It seems really simple to them bc they either Don't experience your symptoms or have only handled milder cases. Sometimes you have to do the math for them or else you'll experience medical neglect.

Mood stabilizers. You've gone through talk therapy? You learned the coping skills? You're using them to the best of you ability and it isn't helping?? Okay then. It's obvious now that we aren't doing to breathe and count our way through a chemical imbalance. Demand your care, tell them the dire situation you're in if you don't get the care you need. Let them know you're miserable and your disability symptoms are ruining your life. TW for suicide but I literally told my doctor walking is the worst part of my day and it makes me want to kill myself. Fuck them up and make them feel guilty if they are really That Resistant to providing proper care. Because all the real shit you'd say to them during the appointment is literally being caused by their refusal to help.

[mermaidsirennikita]

I've recently read a book where the point was to have an heir and the hero is becoming more and more obssesed with the heroine and won't admitted bc IM DOING THIS FOR THE SAKE OF HAVING AND HEIR AND NOTHING MORE lol, do yoi have more books like that to recommend?

I appreciated the reviews you do ☺️ more than usual people get waaaay to serious about a book and it gets tiring to read their thoughts after a while

Hi! Thank you lol, I think people need to read romance novels for fun and it's a little irritating for me when they get like... guilty? About liking what they like. I think romance novels can definitely be emotionally deep and compelling, but the main point is fun.

Soooo I think some breeding kink or breeding kink adjacent vibes will give you these vibes!

Historical:

The Duchess in His Bed by Lorraine Heath--In this one, the heroine is the one that propositions the hero to put a baby in her because she needs a baby in order to secure her safety right after her husband dies. She spends a good chunk of the book showing him the kind of life his baby will have because he was a bastard and is worried about the kid having a good home, etc. But once they do get to babymaking, it's like feeeelings.

Waking Up with the Duke by Lorraine Heath--This is the ideal book for this setup, except a) they're making an heir on behalf of her husband, who's impotent after a carriage accident and pressures the hero to get his wife pregnant b) the hero isn't TOTALLY detached, even though he puts on a good front, because he has carried a torch for the heroine. However, the babymaking process is when he REALLY starts falling and it's delicious and one of my favorite books of all time. AINSLEY!!!!

Private Arrangements by Sherry Thomas--These two are married, and had feelings, but he left her the day after the wedding and they've been separated for like a decade. She wants a divorce so she can marry her lover, and he's like "fine"--if you give me an heir first. So it's really like... a reawakening via babymaking. I shall always remember the first sex scene when he like, bends her over a desk to KEEP IT PROFESH.

Lord of Darkness by Elizabeth Hoyt--This is the one where they got married because she was pregnant with another guy's baby and and the guy died before they could marry. Then she lost the baby and they separated without consummating the marriage. A few years later, she returns to town like "I want a baby, put it in me" and they start having sex... During which he gets FEELINGS.

The Duchess Deal by Tessa Dare--The hero is a super scarred duke whose fiancee leaves him right before the wedding, and the heroine is the seamstress who made the wedding dress and shows up on his doorstep wearing it all "PAY UP". He realizes he has a ready-made bride, and he just needs an heir, so... they've got a deal. Obvi, he begins falling for her as they start working on the baby.

The Duke I Tempted by Scarlet Peckham--This is another "duke marries local woman for an heir" book, with the twist that his secret is... He's sexually submissive and likes to be dominated and whipped during sex.

Contemporary(ish):

Lush Money by Angelina M. Lopez--This is the crazy one wherein the heroine is like, a billionaire, the hero is the prince of a tiny nation with a genius IQ. She wants a smart royal baby, so she offers to bail out his nation financially if he marries her and gets her pregnant. He actually hates her, but he's a man of his word, so he starts workin' on it. Workin' REAL hard.

Mafia Virgin by Mila Finelli--In this one, a mob boss and a mafia princess (who wants to be a doctor lmao) are forced to marry, and then the boss is blackmailed.... he has to get her pregnant within six months, or Something Bad Will Happen. However, it turns out that they both have a breeding kink, so they get SUPER into it and feelings start to develop. This is the one where he makes her kiss his balls and thank them for all the cum they're about to give her (she's about it).

Fantasy:

The Winter King by C.L. Wilson--The hero conquers the heroine's kingdom, and part of the treaty is her being forced to marry him and give him an heir within a year. VERY hot.

[dreamlanddeluxe]

pro-tip from someone who has had stretches pf insomnia like this since high school: (bc your posts makes it sound like a new development and like youre scared, so i want to help. sorry this unsolicited)

but literally?? fake it

fake sleeping. youre going to lie down, close your eyes, shift when youre uncomfortable, but keep your eyes closed and stay laying down. try to keep your mind as blank as possible, thats really hard for me specifically, so i legit will listen to videos or podcasts or music or ocean-waves as i fake-sleep (bonus, i found something that works for me 60, 70% of the time are those ASMR roleplay videos where it'll be like "your boyfriend/girlfriend talks to you while you sleep" or "you get confessed to while youre asleep" or literally anything where i have to "roleplay" being asleep?? weirdly? flips a switch and ill be KOed before the video ends. what the fuck. but thats niche as hell, idk if itll work for you, but it is an "experiment! you never know" encouragement)

and youre going to want to fake-sleep as best as you can, even if youre actually awake the whole 8+ hours, because it legit tricks your brain into thinking youre asleep enough that it gives you those chemicals you need from sleeping that help regenerate your energy and whatnot. like scientists found this works really well, insomniacs who did this instead of their phone or tasks or reading, even if they rarely fell asleep while fake-sleeping, not only recorded feeling a lot better than the control group who was not given this order to sleep like this, but also had more balanced chemical stuff. i like to akin ir to a cell-phone charge. youre not going to get the 100% you would from actually sleeping, but going from a 20% to a 65% is still p huge and very helpful. before i was told this tip, i literally would meditate to recoup; and shockingly meditation releases those same chemicals so like. i was already doing it. just. sitting up instead of laying down lol

also, please do talk to a doctor about getting a sleep study done or something if you have the insurance to afford it. but this is a tip you can do in the meantime in addition to other experimentations thatll help you out. youll still feel exhausted (esp if you cant quiet your brain. my AuDHD mind shuts the fuck when other people speak, so the audio-roleplay and podcast and video-essay people have been god-sends), you won't be that 100% refresh as i already said, but it also wont be AS compounded of an exhaustion which is so helpful when your metaphorical battery is just going down and down and down— to have SOMETHING charge it even a bit or just stall it. i dont want you to think this is a "youll feel back to normal!" cure-all; it truly is the epitome of a "well, thatll help it not get WORSE at any rate, and maybe a bit better" type of rhetoric

for now, i would recommend doing a fake-nap, pick x-amount of hours that feels most comfortable to you (my pick is usually 3 or 4, but my lil sister found she prefers 2 hour long fake-naps and my other lil sister just goes "fuck it, no fake-nap, only fake-sleep; im doing 8+ hours" lmao), see if it at least takes the edge off

i have said a lot of "temper your expectations" type of stuff but i will also say this: at one point, this tip literally saved my life. because i spent 2.5 months running on a total of 4 to 6 hours of legit-sleep per week or per week-and-a-half throughout. and that kinda shit, i belatedly found out, should mean i should be dead. but i was fake-sleeping at least 5 hours a night. and my family's doctor went "uhhhhh thank god i showed your mom that study i guess, omfg". so like. i swear it helps. just. ALSO temper your expectations on how much it helps lol

if this is unsolicited and feels unwarranted, i apologize. im not good at reading tone in text, and just wanted to help. i hope this does help you out, you got this, i believe in you!!

Hey no worries, I appreciate you taking the time to type all this out. Recently (like, within the past one to two years or so) I’ve been more prone to bouts of restlessness and the fake sleeping is actually something I practice and it does help me most of the time. I think right now it’s more of a stress induced sort of thing more than anything that’s led to me having more trouble. Might just be one of those things I gotta wait out to be honest. When I do have a moment where I can’t sleep right it doesn’t last more than a few days normally so I don’t imagine this being different I hope. Maybe seeing a doctor would help but I’ll be honest there’s a probably a few things I should be seeing a doctor about and I just don’t have the money for that lol. But still like I said I appreciate you taking the time to try and help me out and offer some advice that’s very kind of you 🫶

[recreationaldivorce]

man it is seriously depressing remembering how excited i was when i first got my bottom surgery referral multiple years ago now like things were finally looking up i was so excited to finally get surgery after waiting my entire life i was constantly browsing bottom surgery forums to read other ppls account of their recovery etc. i really couldnt wait to feel comfortable in my own skin and be able to have sex the way i wanted and be able to shower with the lights on and all that. and then that was all taken away from me. and all that imagining post-op life that made me so excited is so painful now bc i know it is so far off and possibly i'll never be able to have it bc the nhs can just arbitrarily take it away from me again on the whim of one doctor.

cant stop thinking about emigrating cause i know i would literally get bottom surgery faster if i moved to another country and went through their processes despite the fact that my initial gic referral was in 2017 lol. even if i got my bottom surgery referral today (realistically i won't be re-referred for like another decade p much, and no they won't let me keep my old place in the bottom surgery waiting list, i checked many times with gdnrss lol) it still might be faster to emigrate. i know that a friend of mine who was recommended for bottom surgery in 2019 recently had surgery (she's a trans woman, im aware the waiting times are an order of magnitude longer for masculinising bottom surgery bc of the nhs fucking up the st peters contract too) and like i definitely know foreign surgeons with wayy faster turnaround than that, although im not sure how quickly i could become a citizen to become eligible for those countries' healthcare systems. maybe i could take advantage of my british passport privileges idk how much easier that would make it. but anyway i've been on and off thinking about moving to cuba since i was 16 anyway for anti-imperialist reasons, and ofc they have free bottom surgery there. ive have stayed put bc i think there needs to be communists in the imperial core too to sabotage imperialist efforts to crush revolutions abroad if nothing else bc the british people are so impotent lol, but like damn if britain doesnt keep giving me reason after reason to leave this shitty place

[wild-moss-art]

Insane update

So shortly after I made that post I had a therapy session in which my therapist tried pretty hard to convince me to go straight to the er. I'm typing this from a hospital bed bc the test results haven't come back but I've had such a wild experience I just want to record it or something

So I'm admitted and they stuck me for an Iv. I immediately passed the fuck out. Never had a single problem with needles, ivs, give blood, nothing. So they try my other arm and it's fine.

THEN they put me in a room and the doctor comes in. He asks what's going on and I fill him in, tell him I think I have a tumor. He basically says that's ridiculous, I'm too young for that, I probably have some chronic illness that the specialist will deal with, so he won't order a ct scan, but he agrees to schedule an ultra sound just in case and leaves.

After 30 minutes he COMES BACKIN AND SAYS "okay I thought you were much younger than you are, 27 is plenty old for a tumor, I've ordered the CT scan instead" !!!(side note-- i rarely agree to see male doctors. For this fucking reason. Didn't even look at my age in the file before assuming i was 16 or smth I guess)

Anyway i do the CT scan and come back to the waiting room. They tell me they will have results in about an hour. So I'm waiting and I notice my Iv bleeding so I go to the nurse to see if that's normal. She tries to fix it. I pass the fuck out again. At this point all the nurses in the station are scrambling to run my vitals. They put me in a room and give me an Iv for the third time(successfully)

So now I've been sitting here for 4 hours and no update on the test which they said would be done in an hour. Which is pretty worrisome.

[vraska-theunseen]

I'm getting the vibe you just want to rot in bed for maybe 2 or 3 hours after waking up without it affecting time. I dont know what gives me this impression. It's just the vibe I'm getting 😂

ive spent all summer being lazy and spending 100000 hours a day watching youtube video on my phone and doing no tasks maybe 1 task a week each one that i put off for three weeks cannot stress enough how much i didn't do didn't call my doctor back didn't order my books or tools until 2 days ago just slept and slept and slept and slept and slept and now i have to go to school and work so hard and wake up early to go to class and go in extra time bc the curriculum is impossible to get done within the normal class hours that's just part of it and it's going to jump into things right away immediately i don't remember how to weld good i know i just have to get into the swing of it but i can't even get myself to pack up my stuff for school like i've been meaning to get out of the way and have been talking about getting out of the way for the past two entire weeks and i am so tired and have been for five hours but i've been lying here unable to fall asleep so i keep picking up my phone again and im not going to be able to get my sleep schedule normal so i won't even be able to go in early to do the work and my problems are so trivial it's so stupid to complain so much but i just want to rot in bed sleep forever aaaaghhhhh

[lyco-riis]

BNHA Fanfics Overview (last updated:09/04/2024)

(Fanfic titles are linked to lead to their Ao3 page. If a link doesn't work, please contact me.)

Currently Updating:

Those are the ones I'm currently working on until they are finished.

Starchaser

Yagi Toshinori might want someone to continue his mantle as the Symbol of Peace, but Midoriya Izuku knows that he'll never be able to climb up that high. Not when the corpses of the dead keep dragging him down to the underground. - Shirakumo Oboro and Midoriya Izuku are just opposite sides of the same coin. Aizawa Shouta notices that fact before anyone else does.

Chapters: 11/? Word Count: 22,216 Tags: AU, Midoriya Izuku sees ghosts, Ghost Shirakumo Oboro, Past OFA users are all dumbasses, Aizawa Shouta co-parenting one problem child with 7 ghosts

close to the stars

“You know, almost everyone says the same thing to me—I can’t be a hero without a quirk, because I’d be too helpless and weak. Because apparently, I can’t save people without a quirk.” Izuku takes a glance at everyone—from Katsuki, his brother, and the crowd—before he settles his gaze on the heroes once more. “But what makes you heroes? You all have perfectly fine quirks and yet most of you couldn’t do anything today.” - Takami Keigo adopts Izuku, and that alone changes everything, from his life to the way he handles OFA. (Note: This is not an All Might bashing story!)

Chapters: 11/? Word Count: 17,467 Tags: Suicide Attempt in the first chapter (undetailed), Big Brother Hawks, Dabi is a mess, Yagi just being a big dork, Izuku does take OFA but the way he interacts with it is a bit diff than in canon

Realism

The repercussions of being realistic are sometimes too heavy to bear. Or: Takami Keigo wakes up in a world where a quirkless Midoriya Izuku applies for an internship at his agency.

Chapters: 5/? Word Count: 6,834 Tags: AU, Hawks ends up in an alternative universe, Quirkless!Izuku, Katsuki is dead, HPSC intern!Izuku, Keigo is playing detective trying to figure out why Izuku is quirkless, Aizawa Shouta is trying to figure out how to adopt one very sad kid, Mitsuki and Masaru struggling with their son's death but also... finding out how kinda bullied Izuku, it's very complicated and just a mess of emotions and consequences

Ink Splashes

"It's a form of projective synesthesia," the doctor said, pointing at his papers, "Not a quirk I fear." "This is bullshit," Aizawa tells him as they look at the paperwork, "Don't make me regret this." Izuku stares at the silver ink splashes on the hero and thinks, No, not when you wear such a warm color. - Midoriya Izuku gets adopted by the Eraserhead. He also learns that some doctors just don't give a fuck about their jobs. Or about "quirkless", little kids.

Chapters: 13/? Word Count: 16,750 Tags: AU, Izuku has a Quirk, Aizawa adopts him, the best way to describe this story is that Izuku's perceives souls and that dramatically changes the way he views people and things

Volery

Volery 1. A flight of birds. 2. A large bird cage; an aviary. - Absolutely no one could have predicted that Hawks taking over All Might's place as Midoriya Izuku's favorite hero would lead to the eventual reform of the Hero Public Safety Commission. No one.

Chapters: 5/? Word Count: 7,350 Tags: HPSC Intern!Izuku, Vigilante!Izuku (kind of), won't say anything about any quirks for now :3, basic gist is Izuku kind of ends up... reforming the whole commission on accident and that has lasting effects on the whole hero community, meanwhile Keigo is trying to adopt the kid bc have u seen his big, green eyes full of innocence?

ignis fatuus

It all begins with a wrong diagnosis from a, in hindsight, shady doctor. It probably doesn't help that he immediately quit his job at that specific clinic and vanished afterwards, but Izuku digresses. - Aizawa Shouts gets called on a case to dismantle a cult, Takami Keigo is there on the HPSC's orders, and Midoriya Izuku would like to escape said cult. It all works out somehow.

Chapters: 1/? (might turn it into series format instead of a multi-chap) Word Count: 1,996 Tags: Izuku was raised in a cult in this one but dw, trust Aizawa to adopt him on sight, growing up in a cult is a game changer for literally everything, which Keigo is the true Keigo? The one who deceives the hpsc, the one who deceives the public, or the one who crashes into window panels? Izuku has a quirk and the eternal mission of fucking with everyone's mind

Planned one shot:

Teacher!Izuku and how he keeps giving Aizawa headaches:

On Hiatus:

All other BNHA stories. Those won't be updated until the ones above are finished.

Unless stated in the title/summary, a work is not abandoned! However, I focus on whatever fandom has the most of my interest at any given moment, so some works might take a while to be updated. Comments and kudos are always great motivation-givers (except you ask about the status of a particular work on an unrelated work—please refrain from doing that, as I’ll most likely end up shoving a potential update back by a few weeks out of spite).

[loves2spwge]

slides you a 20 dollar bill. gimme your best style fic recs (im new here)

omg! hiii anon. im sorry, im kinda terrible for recs bc i tend to go for more smut kind of fics 🫣. not even a year into sp yet and i still have soooo many fics i want to read!!!!!! but, im just gonna do a quick list for my most favorite style fics 🙇

RATED G

Sleeping Lessons by sleep2thefr33zing

"Hey Stan? Have you thought about seeing a doctor, maybe? Instead of asking your friends to knock you out?" Stan rubs his arm abashedly. It’s not like he doesn’t know he sounds crazy. At this point, he’s desperate. (Or, Kyle is leaving for Harvard and Stan can't sleep)

words: 7,506

Pour my love out, spill it on the ground by sleep2thefr33zing

Recently done with junior year and freshly broken up with Wendy, Stan spends the summer with Kyle.

words: 11,855

RATED T

Digging Two Graves by heelbruiser

Kyle returns home for winter break from his junior year at college, and after some odd years of not speaking, Stan comes over one night and makes a rather strange request for his help in aiding him in revenge. He won't tell him why, and he doesn't particularly care; he's just glad Stan's talking to him again.

words: 10,406

Once, and Only Once by heelbruiser

A very drunk Stan abruptly disturbs Kyle from his sleep to request a late-night ride home.

words: 24,973

You do it to yourself, you do (and that's what really hurts) by sleep2thefr33zing

The night always starts off right. (Or, the way a party with Stan plays out through Kyle's eyes)

words: 5,102

Beauty and the Geek by Godlizza

Kyle, resident nerd, has somehow bagged popular cheerleader Stan as his boyfriend. Aware of their vastly different social statuses, Kyle is determined not to give Stan a reason to dump him, but maybe he should be more worried about just how tall an order dating Stan can be.

words: 7,656 | part of a series

interim by Anonymous

It’s stupid. He’s stupid. He kissed Stan, right in his bedroom after his birthday party, because maybe he wanted to know what it tasted like and maybe he was a little intoxicated and maybe he was afraid that he’d never get the chance again. Maybe he was afraid that if he didn’t do it then, Stan would find out some other way, and then he’d stop talking to him. And that would really be shitty, because they’re not supposed to be away from each other. It doesn’t feel right. The past week has been terrible, few texts from Stan, and maybe he should have thought to make other friends too before he devoted his life to somebody who could ruin it so easily. or: they're in love etc etc

words: 2,829

Friends ̶t̶o̶ and Lovers by Green_Evening

“Hah, okay. Think like this.” Stan gestures vaguely. “Teenage years are like a tutorial… but for real life, ‘n time is running out for you. So here’s me, but not me, hot–girl me, asking you on a practice date.” He watches him for a second, processing the words, then sinks back into bed with a heavy sigh. “It’s too fucking early for this.” Stan kisses him again, gently, tiredly, and there’s no resistance. He snuggles closer. “C'mon. It’ll be soo fun.”

words: 4,464

Science and Art by apollos

The way Stan plays dead is the intersection of science and art, but Kyle's not buying it. High school is over, after all.

words: 16,296 | chapters: 5 | warnings: stan/other, angst with a hopeful ending

RATED M

Seven days of alien summer by applecrumbledore

Stan asked, “What would you say if I told you I got abducted by aliens last night? With Craig, Tweek and Cartman?” Kyle raised his eyebrows. “I’d say that your wet dreams are getting weirdly specific and you should stop telling me about them.”

words: 16,583

Books That Did and Didn't Burn by hollycomb

In high school, Stan's mother thinks his old friend Kyle will be a good influence. Kyle doubts it.

words: 23,301 | chapters: 3

A Lifetime Supply of Crab Wontons by hollycomb

Five times P.F. Chang's has influenced Kyle's emotional development.

words: 4,790

It's Not Your Time by SekritOMG

One morning shortly after his 13th birthday, Stan wakes up in his own future.

words: 64,844 | chapters: 9 | warnings: mentions of infidelity

Stan Mars and The Kyle by Icandigelvis

When pilot Marsh got ready for his shift at the space- and air force facility in Nevada he didn't exactly expect the night to end up with him being the unintentional spokesperson for humanity. Especially when he was trying to communicate with this creature that killed without moving a finger. Fucking Craig and his theory that aliens just looked like DreamWorks guys fishing from the moon. Because really, this alien just looked like a man.

words: 60,521 | chapters: 5

Joyless Street by julads

Suicide in the 21st century.

words: 4,005 | warnings: angst with a hopeful ending

Let It Happen by bloodmage69

If someone were to ask Stan if he was in love with his best friend, he could easily respond with an entire list of reasons as to why that could never happen. However, even if he came up with all of the reasons in the world as to why he shouldn’t be in love with Kyle, that wouldn’t necessarily mean he wasn’t in love with Kyle. It was, of course, much more complicated than that.

words: 57,828 | chapters: 6 | warnings: mentions of a ky/////////mn smooch lolz

We’re Not Really Strangers by haildeleah

Pulling back, Stan stares at him. It lasts for a moment before he bursts out into laughter. “I like that.” “Like what?” Kyle asked, noticing that Stan’s hair had grown longer, a little more unkept. He must’ve freshly shaved today, Kyle smells the citrus of his aftershave. They haven’t been apart for very long, but it felt like an eternity. This was proof that it wasn’t. “How you talk to me like it isn’t the first time we’ve spoken in weeks.” Or: How Stan and Kyle became strangers, and all the ways they realize they could never be.

words: 12,846

RATED E

giving (taking) by kuchi

Kyle somehow always ends up letting Stan lead him into the most amazing sex, even when it's the last thing he'd expect.

words: 2,995 | smut

Feedback by kuchi

A little post-shower playfulness turns out to be an interesting night of firsts for Kyle.

words: 6,010 | chapters: 2 | smut

Light Up by kuchi

Stan is ready to try something new with Kyle.

words: 3,291 | smut | part of a series

Fate Up Against Your Will by SekritOMG

February 14, 2016 // December 24-5, 2015

words: 6,919

Kyle and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by metrophobic

Kyle has the worst luck in the world, and then this asshole won't stop antagonizing him.

words: 11,962 | chapters: 2

I Need Some Space by LozisLaw

Kyle is celestial. Not that kind of gross horror movie alien shit where he lays eggs in people's guts for fertilisation, and not just another way of saying he's goddamn gorgeous. He's kind of a dick. So much of a dick that sometimes Stan thinks he should get surgically dissected by Mephesto to stop those fluttery gut tugs every time those fucking alien eyes stare down at him.

words: 35,704 | chapters: 2

Plain Bread Is Better by Blame Canada (OneHitWondersAnonymous)

Stuck in a life he deigned to lead, Kyle watched each aspect of his life fall to pieces, one by one, cracking beyond recognition. He watched his marriage crumble, his own mind splinter, and his perception of reality warp. Then, that perception became reality, and he was none the wiser. You see, Kyle had himself so thoroughly convinced that something was wrong that he didn't have the capacity to realize that the something that was wrong was maybe, just maybe, himself. Once he saw that self in the mirror, however, in an act of assured self-destruction, he chose to ignore it anyway.

words: 9,308 | warnings: angst with a hopeful ending

Herbert Garrison's Night School for Unwed Fathers by hollycomb

Pregnant and jilted, Henrietta places a vengeful spell on the senior class boys, wanting them to feel her pain. Stan and Kyle are just two of the unwitting victims.

words: 198,135 | chapters: 17 | warnings: mpreg :3

Lessons Learned by Kasen

They’ve been through it all at this point, why bother denying the freakish intimacy of their platonic relationship? They shut themselves in a closet for seven minutes and actually did the deed wherein nothing changed between them (that lasted, anyways); so, what was a few deeds more? No one had to know.

words: 36,862 | chapters: 9

The Truth About Kyle by maxette

Kyle is house sitting while the Marshes are out of town and he decides it's a good idea to masturbate on Stan's bed. Stan comes home early. Oh, and Kyle has a vagina.

words: 6,360 | smut

All To Myself by KirkApologist

Kyle knows about Stan and Craig, and he really shouldn't care... But, he can't help it. Stan belonged to him. A truth that Stan is all too happy to prove.

words: 2,538 | smut | part of a series

Aftermath by Icandigelvis

South Park AU depicting the years the boys grow up, from kindergarten to uni and continuing, with one little addition. It's an omegaverse.

words: 109,498 | chapters: 11 | warnings: A/B/O, mpreg, uhh kyle/others and some stan/others

Small Town Weirdness by fruitloopzed

Summertime, three years after Shelley Marsh’s disappearance. Artist in Residency Kyle Broflovski arrives in the small agricultural town of South Park. Stan Marsh is the rowdy owner of Tegridy Farms. Secrets buried beneath the prairie begin to rise to the surface when infatuation gets the best of them.

words: 67,994 | chapters: 6 | on going!!!!

The Summer of ‘99 by PinkFan_Gurl

Working at a shitty ass gas station isn’t what it’s cracked up to be, especially when all of your friends are making memories off at college, but 19 year old Stan Marsh is determined to make a name for himself. Unfortunately, things don’t go according to plan when two of his band mates suddenly up and quit, leaving him without a drummer and a bassist. Throw the cute redhead that works down at the drive-in into the mix and it’s shaping up to be one unforgettable summer.

words: 32,814 | chapters: 2 | on going!!!

Those Days by hehepoopoo

His idea: “let’s go into that barn and fuck there.” Kyle stares at him, deadpan. “Dude.” Stan grins, “What?” “People could see.” “So?” Kyle stares at him, mouth agape in offense which Stan knows is just for show, catching the way the corners of his lips curl upwards, the ‘yes’ unspoken.  “People could see.” Stan goes to hold him in a way that is too intimate for the public, maybe too romantic, maybe too soft. But Kyle softens completely in his arms, trusting his completely, eyes big and willing. Stan whispers, “what if I want them to.” -- Or: Stan and Kyle fuck in a barn.

words: 3,173 | smut

suspense by stella_lunar

kyle teaches stan about edging

words: 2,627 | smut

Badly Trained by Clayp00L

Kyle hasn’t been showing his pet enough affection after something happened, but he’s finally ready to give him a second chance.

words: 10,739 | chapters: 6 | kind of on going !

I Thought the World of You (I Still Do) by bloodmage69

When they were kids, Kyle had truly thought the world of Stan; he had looked up to him. His best friend had always seemed so goddamned perfect in his eyes. He was a passionate, sensitive, and caring boy who always went out of his way to make Kyle feel like the most important person in the world. But now that he was older, wiser, Kyle could see all the parts of Stan that his child self had turned a blind eye to. His best friend was insecure, cowardly, and selfish. And yet, even as every flaw broke through Kyle’s false reality, he only seemed to fall more in love with Stan.

words: 7,042

The Scenic Route by hollycomb

The boys embark on a six day road trip to California before separating for college. Cartman is a pain in the ass, Kenny has no future, Butters is in crisis, and Kyle doesn't know how he'll say goodbye to Stan.

words: 116,313 | chapters: 8

crucify my cravings by pastanoodles

"Oh, I meant to ask earlier—do you think I could stay over again sometime?" he asks, not quite how he'd imagined it to sound the thousand times he'd rehearsed saying it in his mind. It's close enough. Kyle's eyes widen, even if only for a second. He sucks a breath in and relaxes his expression, and Stan's lips curve upwards. "Oh, sure," Kyle says, slinging his backpack over his shoulder and shutting his locker, perfectly casual, as though he doesn't know what he's implying. Like they're normal friends who'll be doing normal things. Or, in which Stan and Kyle are deeply uncomfortable with the fact that they're gay. They somehow turn this into a kink.

words: 2,473 | smut

Kyle’s Boobs Destroy Society by autumnpark (betaot4)

Or, rather, Kyle's boobs destroy Stan's mind, to put it more accurately.

words: 4,132

Super Best Fiend by ValeryKae (valorikei)

Stan is dumped once again and decides the best way to handle his loneliness is to summon a demon to have sex with and make him feel better. He is not at all prepared for the fiery babe that appears. //// human Stan and demon Kyle!

words: 6,347 | smut

I still hate summer, but it's a little better when I'm with you. by writtenApologies

Kyle is hanging out at Stan's house one afternoon, before he realizes he's gone into a heat. Due to Kyle's past with heats, Stan convinces him (out of good will) to not take his anti-heat medication. One accident leads to the next, and Stan realized he'll have to help his omega best friend with his heat-- even though Stan is an omega, too.

words: 12,283 | chapters: 2

In Conclusion by Kasen

The thing about gay awakenings is that sometimes someone will have one so anti-climatic that they almost feel guilty for how boring of an epiphany it is.

words: 10,910 | part of a series

Something Sweet by Kasen

It was Bebe’s recommendation. Kyle didn’t have much of a sweet tooth after middle school, but pastries were always the exception when he could have them with coffee or tea. He was never one to seek them out, but when you’re out with friends and have nothing better to do but find a place to sit and eat, you couldn’t help but grow tired of visiting the same old sites. For this reason, Kyle lets his friend guide him through the sunny streets of the city and towards the delicious smell of baked goods. OR Kyle Broflovski is dragged by the wrist into a cute café. It's there that he sees a handsome young man working in the kitchen. When their eyes meet, Kyle does what any average person would do. He makes a break for it.

words: 16,557 | chapters: 6

Kink Meme Collection by hollycomb

specifically just for chapters 1, 6, & 14 ! !

kinktober 2k18 by guineaDogs

chapter 22

A Cliché of Fictions by LozisLaw

all of the these tbh but 3 & 9!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<333333 my favorites

also, this isnt really a style fic. theyre mostly mentioned a few times but this fic made me so???? insane for both creek and style and theres this one line about stanky that literally changed my whole life and like????? idk, after i read this i just let style consume my life

Interlude by PBJellie

Tweek Tweak's mental health is declining. Craig Tucker, his boyfriend, and legal guardian in the eyes of the court, tries his best to hold the pieces together through a particularly rough patch.

words: 72,867 | chapters: 39 | rating: E

[jennyandvastraflint]

Okay, but River coming for Jack would be lovely. Because she just made the Doctor tell her what happened, so she is furious with them and ready to break time to amend this. But like, obviously she's not about to let Jack know about her ugly emotions, so she shows up out of thin air all smiles and "Hello gorgeous, need a lift?". And Jack for one second thinks she is a Dalek remnant, but she isn't, so he swallows ALL the trauma and goes straight to flirting as well.

And THEN he realises she has a vm and isn't just someone from Earth or someone who survived bc they were stuck in a transmit beam. So he asks. And I want her to be very angry, so there's no "spoilers" or halftruths or whatever and she plainly tells him that it's his vm and she has it because they are married. In the future.

So Jack goes from not having a future to having a time travelling wife. Which is great, obviously, but he'd rather find his boyfriend and girlfriend again before he makes off with some lady. But that is the one thing she won't do for him. Because she might be enraged but she knows the Doctor won't see him until Utopia. And when they get to Jackie's, Rose isn't there and they only learnt she went back to the Doctor and hasn't returned since.

Not quite sure how big the margin is there, actually? I think this only works if the Doctor and Rose don't return immediately, bc otherwise River and Jack would run into them. But if there are a few weeks/months, they could hang out at Jackie's again, doing some healing, before River takes Jack to the current Doctor so they can properly apologise and be the boyfriend Jack needs, pretty please.

Otherwise, we just have to pretend River wouldn't risk it or be like "who needs to see the Doctor in the right order and not be traumatised by weird time lines anyway" and takes Jack directly to the older Doctor. Perhaps because she knows 10 is an ass and the older Doctor has at least somewhat learnt their lesson.

(It's totally happening during Darillium btw. River is angry enough to risk coming back and the Doctor is gone. Now it would be horrible if this turns out differently and Jack doesn't wait to be taken to the Doctor: He leaves because he needs some time by himself. And River gets a call from Luna about this AMAZING excursion to a Library, that she just can't turn down.

But. Like. We don't have to make it that angsty. We can have a Darillium polycule instead <3)

(I just want good things for Jack. Him being left behind hurt me 😭. He was just resurrected, he needs someone to hug him and talk to about how crazy that actually is.)

Hey, I fucking love this. Please write it asap dhfgsjfjkg I looove River and Jack bonding. There's actually a Big Finish audio with the two of them... I know audios aren't really your thing, but if you want to give it a try and want to listen to River and Jack, I can send it to yoooou <3

But it sounds like such a brilliant idea to have River show up after he's on the station, revived, and alone. They would have a very interesting dynamic, I think. Sure, there might be some flirting, but I feel like they have soooo much grief and trauma to share as well. And I suppose they both love the Doctor, but they keep running on without River or Jack.

[demento]

this is going to be my running commentary for the 2001 a space odecyecs (can't spell lmai

the monkey part is so wierdd, it is so obviously some dude in a fursuit, topped off by the noises and music. my dog is growling at them and intensely staring at the screen.

the massive pole thing? idk what that was abiut. and then they start beating eachother, and It suddenly cuts to outer space? okay.

my dog is so interested, not taking his eyes off it. abolutely captivated.

really cool soundtrack btw, I really like it

first part of characters(ur title):

his daughter just wants another telephone :(. I am so confused rn, what's that really long convo around the table? who knows.

PASSENGERS ARE ADVISED TO READ INSTRUCTIONS VLBEFORE USING THE TOILET XD !!!!??????!!

there is no speaking again? really cool music but I need to know what's going on. please

oooh a meeting. I wish subtitles were available I am not processing any of this

the CGI is fabulous I love it so much

they going into that base thingy now with the horrific audio, like, it doesn't need to go in for so long :(, it's too much for my head to handle. I hope it has a purpose, to build tension or smth cause it's really terrible(in the way that it's well done/made but a bad noise). AND NOW RINGING?!

it says Jupiter's mission now

it's focusing on this dude running around a rotating office(?) and it's hurting my brain I can't wrap my head around the movement in it. ik you said it was trippy but I assumed that's later lol

the way this dude is eating his icecreamed food is driving me insane, no one eats it like that, stuff is meant to be eaten in an order, or going from one end to the other. oooh it's infuriating >:(

HAL 9000! I <3 him so much. He and Dave are so. just so.

" I know it's a bit silly" awwww

the breathing atm is so grr dheggebsb bdjbbs bsnndndndnnhw grrrrgrrrreerrr. they did not need 10 minutes of this dude breaking really heavy, was not needed.

got to the intermission!

there's the breathing again it is so wierdd and just wrong.

my dog just let out the loudest fart honestly >:0

the dude that's not Dave is just floating out in space. he won't stop it's been ages now. he's been saved!

all the people in the white sleepy suits just died

Dave let the dude go again?! he and Hal had an argument over killing each other.

Dave killed Hal as he was singing a song to him? ok, onto the Jupiter and beyond the infinite

the magical colourfull line he's gone into looked like guitar hero, but rotated

atm all I see is colours I am so confused. it hurts my eyes.

babies in space!?!!

overall I just found it confusing, but it was interesting to watch lol

have fun reading this :P

LMAO HI

im not gonna respond to the first gorillas bit bc i was there w u but . set the tone for ur dogs for sure….

THE POLE YHING IS PART OF THE TRIPPY BIT my ongoing theory is that it gives people new information that their brains cant rly hand,e (i.e. monkeys near pole went apeshit but figured out how to use tools, people on moon near pole had to be put in a coma but figured out how to go to jupiter, dave near pole had the worst trip of his life but was reborn into a giant baby…) like some sorta lovecraftian shit

THE SIUDNTRACK IS SOOOOOO GOOD AGH. i LOVE the use of music in the film to set the tone & atmosphere & motifs & shit

THE LONG CONVO WAS UHHH. they were on like a specship docking station nd these guys tell the doctor (main guy who rang his kid) that the spaceship he’s going onto has rumours of a massive disease outbreaak, and so he better be careful and also they say he should like. feed info back to them . and be a rat basically . the doctor says “nuh uh thats confidential” and they all get sad bc they dont have access to a mole

the meeting is where we discover that actually theres NOT a disease outbreak , thats just a backup story to prevent more people going onto the ship. they’re travelling to the moon to investigate this weird black pole thing (th same pole frm the monkeys) bc it has a super strong super weird magnetic field . its said that it must have been dug down into the ground purposely bc its so deep…

…which brings us nicely to the AWFUL RINGING SCENE . theyve found the pole and are investigating it — behavior is notably VERY similar 2 tha monkeys. they reach forwards and touch it hesitantly, crowd around it in a circle… the reason however that it might be ringing for us NOW but was not ringing for the monekys PREVIOUSLY could be just because we, the viewer, ARE humans, adn thus cannot hear the sound the moneksy heard

JUPITERS MISSION IS WHERE THE MAIN PLOT COMES IN ! with hal and frank and dave . uhh more or less u seem to understand most of the first bit of this, but just to put it out there that the people who are in a coma are the people who were on the voyage to th moon to investigate the magnetic field .

HAL AND DAVE ARE SO. THEY ARE JUST SO. U GET IT

the breathing is bc theyre in space thats what they hear but iAGREE it was HORRIBEL watching that on the big screen OUGH

intermission :-3

frank was uhh dead .? the pod he was manouvreing got taken over by hal (bc the red light at the front lit up ) , and it cut his oxygen cord. he’s dead out there buddy . dave isnt saving him .

dave let frank go bc he had to go in the entrance where he would Probably Die if he did not Pay Attention. and so bringing franks body in was NOT on his list of priorities .

the argument with hal was brought on previously — do u remember the convo dave and frank had in the pod when they thought hal could not hear them ? the convo abt cutting hal off if it turned out that the communications device was NOT broken aftr all? thtas why hal killed frank, and why hal wanted to kill dave

THE SONG WAS A REFREENCE TO THE FIRST COMPUTER TO SING A SONG !! th ibm something or other….but uhh the deal with him singing was bc his memory files got removed it was like a factory reset. && dave kille shim bc he killed frank and all those cryogenically sleepin people lol

I TALKED ABT THIS EARLIER IN THE POST BUT JUST TO CLARIFY. u could see the black obelisk thing just b4 he started with the freaky acid trip thing……nd my personal theory is that. the information he was fed got TOO much and TOO overcomplicated . and thats why the last hhalf an hour is like that lmao

GIANT BABIES LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOO

it IS confusing ur right. nw….tgank you for liveblogging it like i asked babycakws

[hyperactivetransdrone]

So this weekend my mom's ex aka my brother's father came up from a buncha states away to visit and... yeah imma complain bc there's no where else to do that

Anyways first of he's rich and so is his family so yknow that's sort of where things begin, now obviously not every rich person is bad but that's not the point of this anyway, I'll start with Christmas, he HATES getting anything used for Christmas or getting someone music because every year at the top of my list had been a Wii with Kirbys Return to Dreamland now I finally bought a Wii myself this year but I've been asking for that for the past... 4-5 years and while he's never directly said it he pretty much silently says "yeah I'm not buying that, next" and it's the same with if I want music that HE doesn't listen to for example every year for the past 3-4 years I've been asking for a dragonforce OR a halestorm album or merch bc I really enjoy those bands and he also refuses to buy any of THOSE things, now magic the gathering has been getting really power crept these past few years so I haven't been super into magic besides the occasional looking at the new cards then hearing yeah these mythics made specifically for commander are super broken and they're never going to ban these cards so that people buy more packs for the second hand market" so yeah I only really look at cards that help my current decks so I haven't really been asking for magic recently especially with the scummy new booster packs they're starting to make and I think he's a little disappointed at that

But if I were to give a list of my Christmas list on average for the past few years it would be in this priority order:

A Nintendo Wii (he won't buy it bc it's old)

Kirbys Return to Dreamland for the Nintendo Wii (he won't buy it bc it's old)

A Dragonforce/Halestorm Album/Merch (he won't buy it either bc he doesn't like the music OR he doesn't want me listening to it, one of the two)

[Next Pokémon Game] (he'll probably buy it because it's the only thing that's 'new' on my list)

Last year specifically I wanted a drawing tablet so I could do digital art but then again I didn't submit a list even though yknow I've been asking for the EXACT same stuff for the past few years

Anyway umm yeah that's pretty upsetting for me especially since ALL of those years I never had a way to buy any of those things now on the the next topic: food

So whenever we're with him we usually go out for food since it's the easiest way to get food and we don't have a way to cook AND he's rich but here's my main problem like yeah sure it is free food BUT even since I've been diagnosed with diabetes he doesn't want me eating too much now please note I'm already a deathly underweight 120 pounds and he doesn't support my transition based on the way he left my message on "read from notifications" about a meme of coming put as trans and the way he gers irrationally upset whenever I wanna get feminine clothing (not super upset just a very Stern and scary "no that's for women you not allowed to get that") but anyway back to food so we go out to get breakfast and due to my doctors saying I'm anorexic (aka I'm bad at taking insulin so I don't digest it like I should, and if anyone wants to give me a Hypnotic trigger of "see food, wanna eat food so stop and take correct amount of insulin" feel free) so I need to eat more however, with breakfast I like pancakes and I like taking an English muffin and bacon and making a sandwich with it (it's really good) and at home I eat like 5-7 medium sized pancakes with bacon, and an English muffin or bagel and occasionally with some cereal and coffee, real carb filled breakfast however whenever I get breakfast with him, and please note he's rich he can afford it he works in a steel mill as like a contractor or like one of the higher up positions and makes over 100,000 a year and just statically has like double that sitting in his account, anyway, that's not the point the point is I am allowed to have 2 pancakes with nothing except butter on them (syrup is too sticky for me, sensory issues) so no cherries (I love cherries on pancakes but I haven't had it in like 5+ years) so chocolate chips nothing, 1 side of bacon and 1 side of an English muffin and nothing else because he says it's to "keep my blood sugar down" and both my mother and myself say bullshit because as long as I take my insulin I'll be fine and I've gone a little over 500 (like hospital bad, 600 would be emergency room bad for me) and have taken insulin and have been fine but not super great feeling so I know how to treat myself but instead I get what barely fills me up, hell this weekend alone I've had to eat BEFORE we go out to eat to NOT feel hungry after breakfast then for lunch if we get Jimmy John's I can either get 1 sandwich (not enough to fill me up, it's basically a snack) or 2 unwiches (it's a sandwich but the bread is replaced by lettuce so it's the equivalent of 1 sandwich) and I'm still hungry, other places tho like subway I will defend bc it tastes better so it fills me up more or they have other gimmicks to make it worth it for example like fucking 36oz beverages

But other foods like 5 guys is fine bc it's also a lot wings tho I have a story: so I only get boneless bc I really enjoy the crunchy part not so much the chicken-y part (flavors not an issue I just don't like wet and inside of meat tends to be wet) but he's usually like "ehhh 15 is pushing my 'your not allowed to eat' limit" so normally that's all I'm allowed to get so I proved outside of that that I could eat 20 bc while 15 was pretty good I was enjoyed I was always still a little hungry so I proved that I could eat 20 normally so I did it at a cast hosted cast party for a show i was in then proved that I could eat 20 so I try to order it and he's like "fine since you say you can eat 20 then prove it to me" so now there was no backing down and while we were waiting I said how and when I did it and he said: "yeah well you didn't get enough to eat then bc yoy we're exhasted" please note I was in TWO SCENES well three but 2 of them I was literally standing around and the third I walked around for like a minute and the other like hour and fifteen was playing celeste backstage so no I was not hungry, anyway I prove it by eating all of them and finishing before anyone else finished, and please note this was after having like no breakfast and going to get that cute hat.

Next is the final topic: shopping

This is probably the one thing that I REALLY dislike because: he just has a look of disappointment everytime I spend my own money like the hat I bought yesterday, I didn't want to buy the hat before we left hot topic bc that would be awkward standing In there with your purchase already purchased but just waiting for people to finish perusing so I waited until everyone was ready to check out and when I said I was going to buy the hat he just had a look of almost disgust and disappointment that I would DARE buy something without spending HIS money.

And I mean it's not like he would want to buy what I wanted either I was raised to be conservative with my money because we're lower middle class so I don't want to spend his money because it feels rude even tho he's offering most of the time and pretty much gives me a dirty look whenever I try to buy things for myself when he's not asking or if I don't know if he wants to buy me something because he doesn't tell me my price limit so I get anxious and just spend my own money to relive that anxiety but it's not just his expression his voice is also has just a touch of disappointment in it too not like sad disappointment like upset disappointment and if I want to buy my brother something he's like "oh well too bad I'm buying it for him you shouldn't try to buy him anything because I'll buy it for him" which yeah I... don't like that I just wanna be nice and everytime I try to be nice or polite you get upset and say "stop doing that" especially since I just want to prove value since if I try to actually be my own person and have my own style and try to do things to relive my anxiety it's almost like he thinks I don't trust him which is not true but I mean when you actively tell me to stop being polite because you don't like it or get upset because of how I wanna express myself I mean I'm not going to just have a positive response he also got upset when I wore makeup in front of him but in a more subtle "does your mother know about this?" Like yeah I wouldn't do it if she didn't otherwise you would tell her and both of you would yell at me together

Anyway umm thank you for reading if you read all this sorry for ranting umm just depression and been holding that in for a long while now it doesn't relive too much but yknow, uhh hopefully I'm not being entitled because if I am umm, well I would not wish nice things upon myself and again I don't like spending other people's money unless I literally don't have a choice sooo yeah

[horce-divorce]

if your state even has a Planned Parenthood that does HRT- Michigan doesn't for example, but Wisconsin does- you're also likely to have to rely on a center that has limited funding and therefore, the WORST possible hours. The only 2 PPs around here are both an hour from us in opposite directions. One is only open Tuesdays 9-5. The other one is open Thursdays and Fridays 9-5.

I have 1 dose of testosterone left. I usually take it on Tuesdays. I was supposed to have taken my last dose already. My pharmacy won't refill my T right now, probably because they can't reach my doctor- not until Tuesday! At least in Mich they'd refill me 4 bottles at a time, ahead of time. Here they give me 2 and I have to refill it the DAY OF!!!!!! What the FUCK!!!!!

This is just one of those access barriers I never see anyone discussing. Medicaid covers it here and in Michigan, but good luck actually finding someone to order and/or fill your prescription, and good luck getting refills on time! And so many people are just like "oh you want hormones? Just go to PP!" Like that's not already a multiple hours long drive on top of all the other barriers (I do not live in the city)

Anyway I've been having endo flares bc I can't fucking take my T regularly under these conditions, and Bel has also been dysregulated and not taking his T for the same reasons. I hate it here