#they dont even support me anymore they actually kinda suck to wear

[mintglacier]

do you ever hold on buying something you know you absolutely need to be on top of replacing regularly because you feel that said thing hasn't been worn down enough to justify replacing it?

[lady-literature]

A Miraculous DC Crossover

ALL RIGHT!!

I’ve been sucked into this unholy sub-fandom and I have thoughts okay? lots of them. Almost none are coherent and I don’t care. I have no plotline to write a fic but by the gods do I need to get out all my ideas.

Behold:

the Salttm

Lila, obviously. But she’s a petty nuisance at best, and an annoyingly competent akuma to fight at worst. manipulative, but not really dangerous ya feel?

Alya. which like, home girl probably doesn’t deserve but like,,, the drama??

CHLOE REDEMPTION YOU COWARDS

She and Marinette become surprisingly good friends (because I love that for both of them and you can pry it from me cold, dead hands)

Nettie-bug and Queenie

They pick on Adrien together

Mari’s friends Protection Squad That Don’t Take No Shit

Adrien

Chloe

NINO BITCH HE DESERVES MORE LOVE TBH

Alix?? Probably

Luka obvi

Felix (PV)?? Or does Marinette have enough emotionally constipated boys in her life?

(Answer: no. no she does not.)

Nath? He be a good fox tbh. creative and sneaky boi

Kagami!!! I love her

They’re all heroes because I say so.

Felix (Sparrow) is an honorary member even though he doesn’t have a miraculous

He handles PR and other background things along with Chloe

Joined up a few years back when Parisians were getting a bit too critical of the heroes

No Hawkmoth b/c fuck that guy

He existed, just not anymore. Bitch got yeeted

There’s other villains in town now. After Hawkmoth’s defeat other metas/supervillains looked at Paris and was just like, ‘free real estate?”

So now the Miraculous Team are Paris’ Actual Full-Time Hero TeamTM… yay.

Ladybug, Chat Noir, and Abielle (or like, Wasp/Yellow Jacket idk Chloe changes her name because ~identity stuff~) are the core three team. like, the wonder woman/batman/superman trio of the MTeam.

Nath is called Reynard Ambre b/c I love him

The public knows he exists but he’s never seen in battle and no pictures exist.

but there are plenty of instances where Paris knows he out mucking around because those akuma battles always get really weird.

Marinette be the guardian?

Guardian in training

Along with all the other holders b/c jesus. Give the girl a break.

Yeah. I like that Idea. All current holders are training to be guardians as well, but Mari’s going to step up as Guardian Supreme when Fu steps down.

Hero fashion!!!

The Miraculous Team is all decked out in their own merch like 24/7

Rarely is it thier own hero persona tho

Not because of like,,,, secrecy or anything. Just because they’re all nerds who love each other

Marinette is the lead producer of Miraculous Merchandise. It’s like,,, her BrandTM It was completely unintentional too

(Adrien and Chloe financially support her work tho. She designs, makes a prototype, and has her two blondes get others to replicate it)

Half of Paris is wearing her without knowing it

(Go MDC! get it girl!)

She totally makes Gotham inspired outfits because what else would she do????

Don’t get her wrong, most of Gotham’s fashion sense royally pisses her off but it’s fun and hey, supporting her fellow heroes ya know?

She wears a Robin hoodie after being officially acquainted with both Damian and Robin (separately of course)

Damian chokes on something, probably his own tongue.

It confuses Nettie. But then she thinks maybe he’s a fan too? She offers to make one for him but he steadfastly refuses much to his brothers’ amusement.

Might make a robin themed dress?? If so, she crosses paths with Robin when she does, thoroughly embarrassing her and almost sending poor Dami into a crisis.

Rogues Gallery

She makes a lot of designs off the rouges gallery because like, supporting people trying to get better??? also they’re some of the few who’s aesthetic aint shit?

She can’t make all of them because she ran out of time, so the rest get posited up on her Instagram and MDC blog (that’s run by Tikki mostly. She’s a great secretary and gets bored in Mari’s purse all the time)

Everyone is very flattered

Harley, if she ever finds it, immediately commission all pieces and wears them around Gotham don’t @ me

Daminette obvi

Marinette meets him and is just like ‘wow, you’re horrible. I want five’

Marinette, in the group chat later: so I met Kagami and Felix’s love child today

Kagami and Felix, seconds apart: I would never stoop so low

immediately after: Hey what the fuck? Rude

Nino: Nettie, dearest, sunshine, light of our collective lives and reason I breathe, what the fuck

Adrien: Kagami, my love, how could you? the Betrayal

Chloe: ew

Luka: Send pics or it didn’t happen

Nath: [insert the ‘right in front of my salad?’ meme]

Whenever they cross paths as Robin and Mari, he’ll just like,,, appear from nowhere hanging upside down spiderman style. Mari finds it endearing but she also wants him to stop scaring the shit out of her

Nicknames, because I have an unhealthy obsession with them, alright?

Misc Mari names: Bug, Bugaboo, Buginette, Madame President/Colonel (when the Team’s being cheeky), Princess, Marigold, Nettie (by like, Nino and Alix)

Jason calls her Pixie-pop

The bird boys call her Nightingale/Mockingbird in like, honor of her being a kickass civillian

Mari refers to them as ‘the flock’ (and bird-brains after getting to know them better)

Damian calls her: Starling, Habibti, ya qamar(my moon), malaki (angel), ya wardati(my flower) (b/c like, angel’s cute an all but I just think Damian’s way more dramatic than that tbh. he’d put thought into his nicknames)

Mari calls Damian: mon soleil (my sunshine) (because symmetry and also Mari thinks she’d hilarious), Birdie, petit oiseau/oisillon

I like the idea of Jagged being a native Gothamite tbh

it’s just so fun honestly???

He’s probably the reason the MTeam are in Gotham in the first place? maybe? anyway, the class is there, right? right. 

Kagami, Luka and Felix are all holding the fort down in Paris. Ain't no akumas but sometimes they need backup so when certain heroes need to disappear, Nath has Trixx set up an illusion of whichever one so they can slip away with the horse miraculous.

Mari’s the one who has to leave the most because she’s still Paris’ damage control, so like,,,,, ya know.

Mari doesn’t get left behind, at least not on the first day b/c come on people! She has plenty of friends in class watching out for her and a semi-competent teacher who does care even if she’s non-confrontational to a fault.

She does eventually become separated from the group. Half because of Lila and half because she’s always fucking late and got distracted.

She actually runs into one of the civilian batfam in the first place because the class was allowed an hour or so to wander around the shopping district or whatever to explore/buy things/get food. They just needed to return to the meetup spot at a certain time but Mari is like ten minutes away when it’s five minutes to the meetup

So she’s just… fucking booking it and completely takes out this trained vigilante without trying to.

Mari, as she’s groaning on the ground, tangled around a boy: By Kwamii, I thought my luck was supposed to be good Tikki.

That or like, the subway doors close before she can get on them and the rest of the class ends up ahead of her leaving her to get caught up on some bullshit in the next train or smth.

Oh, like. Of course it’s her train that gets held hostage. Wonderful.

(Later, Mari will rant at Tikki about her luck. A common conversation between the two tbh.)

This could be where she officially meets the Batfam as the Batfam. Or, like. A couple of em, at least.

Marinette getting serial adopted by the whole goddamn batfamily because i will die for this trope tbh i dont even care

The Robins nickname her Nightingale before they realize she’s Ladybug

They still call her that after but it’s not with the intention of making it her hero name anymore

Her and Alfred are def bros you don’t understand

Actually, Gina and Alfred are old friends. Mari totally knows Alfie before the bat fam and calls him Poppy/Pépé

which floors the batfam because what? Since when does that happen???

Alfred and Mari never, like, actually met in person before, but video chats exist and Gina def talks about the two to each other so it’s like they may as well know each other.

I also like the idea of Alfred being a former holder, probably the peacock. I would adore that

Just,,,, so many fun hero shenanigans

Yeah sure. The batfam are super detectives and have a history of figuring out people’s identities in no time at all. Whatever. Where’s the drama in that though? The showmanship?

Fuck canon, the Miraculous all have glamours because magic bitch and it plays fucking hell on the Batfam and all their shit

Every single Batfam member is simultaneously pulling their hair out because they don’t know who these heroes are???? Why can they figure them out?? Confusion???????

Miraculous team is just…. Straight up laughing at them. The poor dears.

That one gag where it’s a well-known secret that Mari has connections to every Parisian hero and is basically their own personal catering service/comfort place.

Also, it’s the worst kept secret in Paris that Mari is Multimouse

None of the MTeam have confirmed that rumour but they also don’t deny it.

they actually started the rumour. If all of Paris thinks Mari’s the mouse, a temporary hero, no one’s going to think she’s Ladybug/or that she’s an easy target to go after

chloe actually came up with that one

Mari meeting all of Damian’s ‘associates’ (ie pets)

She adores all of them and they her.

Especially GOLIATH, why isn’t he talked about more honestly???? He’s GREAT

She meets Goliath as Ladybug and Robin is just… so done with him??? You are supposed to be a fearsome beast and a professional why are you rolling over and expoSING YOUR STOMACH??? Meanwhile, Ladybug is just: Awww! Who’s a good boy? Who’s the best boy? You are! Look at how handsome you are! Cute widdle baby-

Miraculous Team hanging on the roof of their hotel kinda chilling

Maybe having a debate about doing some free-running/parkour?

Also maybe about whether or not they should be heroes while in Gotham

MT being like, why can’t we go and stop an armed robbery? we can help!

“Gotham already has very active heroes-”

“Vigilantes!”

“-whatever. I don’t want us stepping on any toes. This isn’t our terf and Batman’s known for being strict about Metas rolling around here.”

“We aren’t Metas though.”

“I don’t think he’ll enjoy splitting that particular hair, Nino. Just- not unless lives are at stake, okay? Emergencies only.”

“Yes, Colonel Ladybug.”

This debate most def gets crashed by batfam and confusion ensues upon both sides

batfam didn’t hear anything, they’re just really confused about these french kids hanging out on a roof in Gotham

Just.... yes. all of that. I have like, more but those are not organized or even remotely coherent. here you go! I might write for this but I already have other fics rn so... it wouldn’t be for a while. and as I said, I have no plot.

take this though, i guess. *throws confetti*

[eggnoah]

Accepting yourself is hard.

(this is going to be a vent kinda thing, but also my gender history?, so feel free to skip this one, i just want to document it)

Lately it has been very hard to accept myself. As a trans guy, pre everything, thats understandable. I have a very feminine figure, a big bust and large hips, a small body and I’m on the chubbier side. 

The thing is, I dont experience body dysphoria like most other trans people (judging by what i have seen online about other trans peoples’ experiences), i rarely even experience it in the first place.

Of course I’m thinking things like “I’d be happier in a mans body” and “My chest is bothering me” but thats about it, i don’t break down crying because of my body. I just dislike it.

I know that I’m not the only trans person out there with basically no body/gender dysphoria, but I still feel invalid sometimes. Why am I not like others? Am I just doing this because I don’t know what to do with my life?  ( a good tip i picked up somewhere is: “If you ask yourself if you’re faking it, you’re most likely not faking it)

I actually already came out to my close family (parents & siblings) and while they support me, they haven’t stopped misgendering me. The closest I got was my dad and step-mom calling me by my prefered name over text on my birthday. While it felt nice, it doesn’t change that my dad is now scared to adress me at all except for adressing me directly (what do you think etc.). 

While I totally understand that it’s hard to adress someone male when they clearly aren’t and you have called them female pronouns and names all their life, it still sucks. What makes matters worse is that my mom just completely ignored what i told her, only said “oh yea we have to talk about that one day” ( I wrote her a coming out letter) only to never talk about it ever again, and it has been 3-4 months. 

I never had any signs growing up that I was going to end up trans. I was always a feminine person, i was a diva as a child, loved girly things and never expressed my want to be boyish. And i wasn’t unhappy either, i liked being female, but... I always thought “When I’ll be reborn I hope I’ll be guy”, “I’m really envious of a guy’s body, man I’d be so much happier��, but the thought never occured that i could be trans, i just thought that everyone thought this way (I know very cliché) and I had a friend that had the same mindset, so i never questioned it. But when I looked in the mirror I knew I wasn’t me. So I experimented with hairstyles, clothing styles etc. but it didn’t change anything.

When I started to question my gender i thought I was just NB or fluid between female and agender. Only then I started trying looking masculine. At first I was repulsed my male pronouns, they didn’t feel right with my name. But I always liked the name noah, and “If i would be a gyu I would love to be called noah”, so I tried it. I got used to the name and the male pronouns, and I came out as genderfluid, with the names nikki and noah, with they/he pronouns. But over time the “nikki” in me was dissapearing, leaving me, noah, to take over the body. It was like he had always been there, but just in the back, watching. The more I used “noah” the more “nikki” dissapeared, I felt like i was reborn. It was wierd and good. 

I scrolled through reddit, finding r/egg_irl and similar subreddits, and i think when i heard of elliot page coming out as trans, i slowly realized, that i was trans too. Elliot was the protagonist of my favorite childhood movie “Juno”.

So..i kinda speedran my egg process and broke my shell, and came out as trans to my friends. 

This was half a year ago, I’m still in doubt, because I realized all of these thigns so quickly, the whole process was like 2 months, while most take years of realizing, denying and backtracking, coming out to their families after years and years of suffering. Realizing they are in the wrong body in an early age. I was none of these things. And I feel like it went to fast to be valid. But everytime I get deadnamed and misgendered I know its wrong. I hate it. 

This brings me to today, after a weekend trip of misgendering and surviving a few panic attacks, I haven’t been able to draw myself for months now. A persona? yes. But I have always wanted to make a “meet the artist” but I just haven’t been ablt to be happy with my sketches.  So i just decided to draw who I am right now.

And that made me realize something. I am proud of who I am right now. I haven’t been able to get a haircut for months, I can’t regularily wear binders anymore because they hurt, but: I am proud. So far I came out to everyone I care about, and the people who care about me are trying their best. I walked on my first pride parade a month ago and felt at home. I go to a therapist regularily to fight my anxiety, and I work and get paid for it. 

It will take a long time until I get top surgery/hormone therapy, it will take a long time to get over my traumas, but i can confidentally say:

I am proud of who I am, right now. 

[many-gay-magpies]

Smh i should really stop talking to my mom about anxiety/mental stuff because every time it only makes me feel worse

I love my mom a lot but like . sometimes there are just things that get on my nerves even though i love her. I kinda feel bad because like she tries so hard to understand and says she understands and I know she DOES to a degree so I feel bad for lowkey thinking like the whiny teenager all like "yOu DoN't UnDeRsTaNd Me" sometimes, y'know? Like the bottom line is our brains just work really really differently a lot of the time and she either wants to believe or genuinely believes that they dont

Every time I talk to her about my (non-clinical, probably) anxiety and what caused it (this girl bullying me for six years) she goes on to mention all the ways she was bullied as a kid and all the terrible shit she's gone through to say in the end "so I understand" when like all of that shit is way different from my experience so every time she says it inside I'm just like "yes but actually no"

Like, today i was talking about my bully to her and how I've started realizing that all my responses now are responses i was forced to give as a kid because of the situation i was in with my bully, and she went in depth and told me (all stuff she had already told me about before and also when i had been talking about my anxiety stuffs before) about how her mom forced her to sleep in curlers so she would have banana curls and made her wear dresses and how she got mugged really bad when she was older and all this stuff that is very valid trauma and sucks ass and i thank her for trying to understand me but at the same time all the shit that happened to her was surface level. Neither of us could control what was happening to us, because her mom made her dress like that and I couldn't just make this girl suddenly not have issues, but like a dress is still something you can change??? Take off??? Like it isnt attatched to you as a person. I cant change the fact that i exist, which this girl bullying me apparently hated me for. To her my existence was just like "oh i must hurt this person" not because of what i wore, what i looked like, etc etc.

She also kept subtly bringing up the fact that i had never been PHYSICALLY hurt by my bully and implying that because she HAD her pain was worse and i could have had it worse if my bully physically hurt me and ACTED on the threats to hurt me (which my mom's bullies did) and while yes that was true . My bully didn't threaten to physically hurt me at all so there were no threats TO act on she just talked to me like i was shit all the time and beat my self esteem about my personality into a meaningless pulp . I kind of wanted to scream in my moms face "YOUR PAIN WAS MOSTLY PHYSICAL WHILE MINE WAS EMOTIONAL, BOTH ARE VALID AND DIFFERENT" but i know she does know that-- but maybe it would have gotten the point across idk

I wish so badly that i could just tell my mom "I dont want/need you to understand, i just need you to be here" and like i could but . I'm not there yet

(Warning ahead, I'm sorry if this gets really long but like I wanna get it off my chest before i go to sleep bcs i feel like ill sleep better if i do)

Another thing that annoys me is that??? Every time??? I say something??? Or tell her how I'm feeling at the moment??? She just asks me??? "Why?"??? And yes its good to talk about stuff but I'm trying to explain to you in a polite way why i want to leave the conversation and that its making me uncomfortable and i just want to go to bed and you just go "but why are you uncomfortable?" Or like if i tell her I'm upset and i want to stop talking about it she goes "why are you upset? I dont want you to be upset" and I'm just. I literally just said i dont want to talk about this anymore can i please leave you cant control that I'm upset about this because continuing talking to you is just going to make me more upset because no matter what way i try to explain it i cant get my points across right to you and i dont want to say you dont understand bcs thats immature but you kind of dont understand

I want to tell her "This conversation isnt having the outcome i wanted it to have and i want to leave it before it makes me more upset so that i can go think on it for later" but I'm sure if i do. that shed just go "but WHY arent you happy with the conversation tell me so i can fix it" and if i tell her blatantly what is making me unhappy (the fact that she keeps saying she understands and pouring stories of her traumas onto me to "prove" that she understands) then she's going to guilt trip me when were talking in the future by emphasizing the fact that i dont like when she talks a certain way and be all like "oh i wont tell you about my OWN experiences though because you said you don't LIKE when I DO that" and i just hhhhhh

Like every time i tell her she doesnt understand and try to explain it in a way that she WILL and it'll finally click it just. Doesn't and it makes me feel so defeated because every time i do that she just circles back around to "well i experienced all these types of trauma so i totally understand" and i appreciate the effort but that just isnt the kind of support i needed to make me feel content

And also when i was talking to her tonight i told her about a specific instance that happened in like 1rst or 4th grade where I was crying because the girl bullying me was just in one of those. Bad Moods™ where like she hated me for existing and talked to me like i was a piece of trash she had stepped in or smth and then she and a couple other kids asked me WHY I WAS CRYING and I didn't want to tell her "hey I'm crying because you keep hurting me and i dont want you to" because if i said that she would just hurt me MORE so i made up a lie on the spot and said that my parents had a small argument (I'm a sensitive kid and will cry at the barest hint of conflict between my parents so it checked out) and i was crying because of it and . Out of that ENTIRE STORY the one thing my mom zeroed in on was the fact that i told a lie that "painted my parents in a bad light"

Just. Like. Yeah. It did. But I wasn't even thinking about that at the moment?? Like it didn't even cross my mind??? The only thing i was thinking about was that i was scared and in danger and i probably would have said anything to get OUT of that danger (as fake or ill-perceived it might have been). But no, even later on after i had explained that in basically those exact words she still went back around to say "oh if it was bad enough that you told a lie about your parents to get out of it then she REALLY fucked you up"

Which??? By the way??? Is a whole other reason why i try not to talk to my mom about this shit??? Because every time i open up about it and want to have a conversation in a more logical/organized/"well here's the situation and here's what we can do about it" kind of way she always turns it around and says stuff like "damn [REDACTED] really fucked you up didn't she" and "I didn't know it was that bad"/"I didn't know it effected you that bad, you should have said something!" which. Makes me Feel Bad™, for some reason way more than my dad excitedly talking about reptile and monkey brains and how stuff that happened to us in the past is engrained into our brain and still effects us now, like instinct

She also always turns all of my stuff talking about emotions into "oh you're just a teenager" "you're pms'ing" "you'll grow out of it later"

Like one time i told her that her mind was always in the past or the future, always worrying about the past or the future, never in the present, in response to her worrying a bunch about something and how i had my mind in the present more often and her response was something along the lines of "well you're like that because you're young and a teenager, you CAN stay thinking in the present because you dont have all that stuff to worry about like an adult does, I'm an adult and i work a bunch so i constantly have stuff to worry about" and like. Yeah theres some solidity to that. But also i literally talked about that exact thing with my dad and HE said her brain was always in the past/future and never the present so I'm pretty sure its not just a teen vs adult thing

And then towards the end of this whole thing when i had finally managed to tell her "hey I'm uncomfortable in this conversation can i please leave and go to bed" and even further explained that it was because i went into this wanting to have a more casual/logic-based talk rather than an emotional discussion and . she's kind of of the mind that "why did you bring it up if you didn't want to have a deep emotional discussion about it" and I'm just HHHNNNNGGGG but also i actually DIDNT mention it, first i was mentioning how id been having sensory overload lately and how certain sounds of words hurt and then she said i should have a doctor check that out and then i said "I've been reading up on anxiety and sensory overload is a part of that so i figured that's just what it was" (bcs my dad gets sensory overload a lot too) which then ensued a ten-minute conversation about how i probably dont have clinical anxiety because mine isnt as bad as/like all the many, many people my mom has known who DO have it (throughout which i kept trying to tell her "just social anxiety exists too tho" to which she would respond "yea but u dont have these symptoms of general anxiety so i dont think u have it" and while i hope and think i dont i was just like HHHHHHH because i mean social anxiety and by social anxiety I DO NOT MEAN GENERAL ANXIETY YOU CAN HAVE SOCIAL ANXIETY WITHOUT HAVING GENERAL at least i think idk i might be wrong) which i ended by saying "i probably dont have clinical anxiety but i do believe my brain has been wired to react to certain situations based on how i had to react to those situations for six years" which then lead to me talking more about my bully and my mom pretty much siphoning as much emotional vulnerability and opening up out of me as she could

And then at the end i told her "can i please leave i kind of feel like crying and i dont want to do it in front of a person at the moment" (because I haven't cried in a few months and i feel like I'm in need of a good cry tbh which in itself is something she doesnt really understand) which lead her to go "why do you feel like crying now I'm worried for you" and HHHHHHEBDJBEHNDEJHBDNEHDBEH yeah--

There's probably more i could say but I'm not going to, because its almost 1 am and while i had actually been about to sleep early at like ten she ended up roping me into an hour or two long talk about emotions, which is. Fun. And i have to get up in six hours so I'm going to go to bed. Sorry if this was a mess which I'm sure it is, i really just needed to get this out there lol

Also when i went to my dad after this to say goodnight (i actually like talking to my dad abt this stuff a lot since his brain and mine are just really similar) he gave me this lil smile and just said "deep breaths" and that made me feel better

[5-seconds-of-fuck-me-please]

I Do. (Post 1/2) (part 1 of ?)

Ashton.

"I just want a nice, normal guy to sweep me off my feet, and support my carmel vanilla coffee addiction. Is that so much to ask?!"

My best friend gave me an amused glance before dropping her gaze back towards her phone. I swear, that girl could hold two conversations face to face, surf facebook, and hold a buisness Skype call, all at the same time. A.D.D., they name is Rae.

"I've set you up on five dates so far, and you havent lasted longer then ten minutes with any of them," she countered. "So how about this...you tell me your dream guy, and I'll work off of that."

I sighed, tapping my foot nervously against the metal rung of the coffee shop table. I was always fidgeting. Whether it was shaking my foot, drumming my nails along the table, or pacing aimlessly around, I was always moving.

"I don't know," I sighed out on a breath. Picking up my iced vanilla, butterscotch, and chai latte, I took a sip before responding. "Dont you know anyone that actually has a life?"

Rae glanced up at me, cocking an eyebrow. "A life? Like, the other 5 were dead?"

I groaned. "The first guy had the ambition of a goldfish. Second guy wanted me to move into his mother's basement with him. Third guy was perfectly content to be a cashier th erest of his life and didnt want to even think about making more than minimum wage or he would loose government assistance.....shall I go on?"

Rae gave a throaty chuckle, causing three random guys to stop their conversations and look her way. She just had that way about her.

"Tell you what," she mused out loud. "Since the last five was a complete disaster, and I thought they would have been perfect for you, the next guy I pick will be the one who I think you'll hate the most. So.... Here's what I want from you. You pick what you want him to wear. You pick if you want flowers or not. And you pick the place to meet for drinks, dinner, movie...whatever. deal?"

I thought about it for a moment, the shrugged. "Fine. I want to come here. This coffee shop. No flowers. No expectations. I'll even pay for the both of our drinks. But he has to have a job. A good job. Or at least have a goal in mind," I amended.

Rae nodded. "Tell me more. Actually, tell me your dream. What's your fantasy date for this coffee. Close your eyes and describe the guy to me. What is he wearing. What does he look like. What is he drinking?"

I laughed, but saw the amusement in her eyes. Deciding to play along, I closed my eyes and tilted my head slightly back.

"White button down shirt with the sleeves rolled back a bit. Nice jeans, probably faded with a hole in the leg," I laughed out. "Gorgeous smile because he laughs a whole lot and has an amazing sense of humor. Eyes that are kind and sparkle. Shaggy hair that probably falls into his eyes...." I trailed off.

"Sounds like quite the catch," Rae laughed out on a breath. She sounded amused, which kind of worried me a bit.

I opened my eyes and glanced at her. "Why do you sound like you just ate a canary?"

Rae's eyes sparkled as she tried to suppress a smile. "I know who would be perfect for you, and...he should be here in about two minutes."

My jaw dropped to the floor. "What?! Theres no way you could have called someone and set it up so fast. You had this planned!" I shrieked. Not because she set me up, but because she didnt warn me.

I was dressed in my -I dont give a shit, today is my day off- clothes. A pair of faded dark grey sweatpants with a hole in the left knee, dark green jumper with a faded brand logo running down the arm, and hair unbrushed and tossed into a messy bun. Plus I was still wearing yesterdays makeup which had faded to a lovely raccoon inspired look.

"This wasnt a setup," she argued lovingly, tossing her hands up to her side quickly. "Swear it. You know i was meeting a few friends here today. One of them would be perfect for you."

I eyed her warily. "The so-called friends that are mysteriously out of the country doing something tha you refuse to tell me, along with their names? The ones who you are best friends with...yet I know nothing about, and we have been best friends since middle school?!" I mused, scrunching my nose up at the thought.

Granted, my and Rae are best friends for over 15 years now, but there was a random 2 year period where were were heavily into the party and drug scene. We kinda split ways and didnt talk for 2 years, then both of us, separately, decided to get our lives in order and somehow reconnected as if nothing had happened.

Strange how life works out.

"They aren't...." I trailed off.

"They were, " she nodded. "Not anymore tho. I used to hang out and binge with them tho. They cleaned their lives up as well. Just took them longer."

I nodded, glancing down at my almost empty iced coffee as I dragged my nails along the styrofoam, making patterns on the cup. "I'm willing to give it a go I guess. Coffee never hurt anyone, right?"

"Right," she agreed, glancing down once again to her phone to resume whatever multi-conversation she was having.

I didnt realize until a few minutes later that I was humming and singing along the the songs playing over the cafe speakers.

"Do you like this band?" She asked randomly, not taking her focus from her phone.

"Love them," I remarked, not really paying attention. "I just got their new album yesterday actually."

She made a small chuckle. "Let me guess then...you were always a guitar or lead singer chick. So.... Luke?"

I grinned, breaking my gaze away from all the pretty little designs my nails etched into my now empty coffee cup. " Usually , yes you would have been correct. And while he is hot, as is the othe guitarist...my heart lies elsewhere in the band."

"Bassist?" She chanced, finally placing her phone down and looking up. Her eyes darted over my shoulder, then came back to focus on my face. A grin broke out, smile so wide it reminded me of the Cheshire cat.

"Um, nooo," I drawled. "I actually seemed to be drawn to.....why the hell are you staring a time like that?!" I asked, breaking the conversation. "You look fucking creepy."

Her eyes seemed to dart over my shoulder again to where the cashier counter was, then back to me again. "So the drummer then?" She mused, not bothering to hide the grin. "You have a thing for the drummer?"

I continued to stare at her, trying to puzzle out what the hell was making her act so weird. "Yeah...?" I dragged out.

"Hmmm, and why would that be? I'm honestly curious. Usually you always go for the guitar rock-God type for looks."

I cocked my head to the side. "You really want an answer?"

Rae grinned again. Nodding her head emphatically. "Oh yes. Please, by all means."

I shrugged, taking the last small sip from my coffee. "He always seemed the most put together. Knows how to laugh, but always seems polite. Has an amazing voice, but would rather be in the background playing his heart out. And he gives out total Daddy vibes," I joked. "Plus, he is seriously hot. They all are in that band actually."

Rae burst out laughing, covering her mouth with both hands. I swear, tears started to form in her eyes.

I just stared at her. "Seriously Rae, what has gotten into you today?! What's so funny?"

Her eyes darted behind me once again, but this time she nodded. I didnt even have a chance to turn around to see what she was looking at before an arm snaking over my shoulder, placing a styrofoam cup in front of me.

"You can call me Daddy if you feel the need to, but I prefer Ashton on a first date," a voice said.

I closed my eyes tightly, slowly opening them as panic filled me. My eyes traveled from the coffee, up to a bare forearm dusted in dark golden hair, to a shoulder and chest that had a white button shirt...sleeves rolled back.

Damn, but did Rae tell him how to dress?

He smirked at my dazed expression, while Rae finally got herself under control. "I didnt tell him," she rasped out, still trying to hide the amusement as she spoke. " He really was randomly dressed like that to come here."

Ashton raised a brow as he pulled up a chair, leaning over to give Rae a quick one-armed hug before sitting on the chair backwards between us.

He reached over, palm up while smiling at me. "She did however, demand that I randomly walk in and order you a vanilla butterscotch coffee without even telling me your name, or why I was buying you one. I'm being set up on a date, I take it?" He questioned again, glancing to Rae for affirmation before looking back at me, then down to his still extended hand. "Do I get a name? Or should I introduce myself again?"

I shook my head, trying to snap out of the surreal experience going on. Placing my hand in his, I cleared my throat. "You're Daddy, right?" I smirked, trying to fight the blush rising on my face. God, but do I hope he can take the joke.

His face split into a grin, laugh bursting out of his lips. "I like her," he chuckled, looking over to Rae. " This one actually knows what a joke is."

I grinned at that as he looked back at me. "I take it that Rae has tried setting you up before as well?" I questioned.

He nodded, a faint smile still gracing his lips. "One girl who decided living in her car way her dream goal. One who only ate foods that were yellow. And one who wanted to be a psychologist because she didnt understand how people laughed or why we smile at things."

My eyes went wide. "Wow. And here I thought I had it bad with the guy who only showered on days it rained cause that's how the bathtub got refilled."

Ashton let out another bark of laughter, breaking eye contact to speak to Rae once again. " You suck at setting people up. You know that?"

She raised a brow at that, stopping her cup of coffee in mid air before she could take a sip. "Oh, so should I not have introduced the two of you?" She asked, feigning a look of hurt. "And here I thought you were getting along fairly well."

Ashton shook his head. "Are you kidding me? this girl is horrible! Wont tell me her name, wont call me by mine, and she laughs at everything I say!" He rambled out. A small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth, but he didnt stop looking at her.

"And he isnt the greatest catch either, " I added. "Eavesdropped a private conversation, assumed I wanted him to pay for something. I didn't ask for without asking me. And he wont let me go," I added, flicking my gaze down to our still entwined hands.

Rae nodded, a huge, fake sight escaping past her parted lips. " okay, I give up. Sorry to waste your time, Ash. I'll take her home and be back in a few minutes to catch up with you all. I assume the others are on the way?" She asked, standing up and motioning for me to follow.

Ashton shook his head. " They are on the way. But you cant take her."

Without warning, he turned and licked a wet line up my jaw. "I licked her. Shes mine now."

My jaw dropped open, but rae looked amused. "Are you gunna pee on her too?"

He turned to look at me finally, slightly swaying our hands back and forth. "Is that your kink?"

"What?! No! Why would you ask that?!"

He shrugged. "Well, I know you have a Daddy kink, just had to be sure."

"I do NOT have a Daddy kink!" I hissed out, trying to pull my hand out from his grasp. "And why the hell did you lick me?"

He was having none of it. Keeping hold of my hand, he slowly brought it up to his lips and kissed the back of my hand before finally releasing his hold. "Cause I wanted to see what you tasted like. Vanilla, I like it." He winked.

"You do have a daddy kink," Rae interjected, laughing through her words. "I'm going to go get another coffee and grab 2 other tables for the guys. You two enjoy yourselves."

Ashton glanced at me before looking at Rae. "If I did that, we would be arrested and barred from this shop."

I think my heart stopped. Was I breathing?

"Mind if I go grab myself a drink?"

I blinked, trying to focus on his face once again. "Didn't you just order one while you were up there?"

He shook his head. "Only ordered yours. I wasnt sure if I wanted to stay once she told me she had a girl with her for me to meet."

"And now you are sure you want to stay?" I questioned.

He smiled. A sweet smile that lit up his eyes. "I think you are fucking perfect."

I blushed at that. "Yeah, right. Cause messy girl with raccoon eyes in your kink, right?"

He gave me an amusing look. "Like a guy in jeans and a white shirt is yours?" He retorted. A small sigh left his lips as he pulled out his phone and scrolled through a few messages. Once he found what he was looking for, he stopped and put the phone down on the table in front of me.

Raelyn- her fantasy sounds like you, in a white button down and a pair of worn out skinny Jean's. Just get your asses here!

Ash-and you are so sure I would like her? I sisnt agree to another date with your wacky high maintenance friends. They just want a sugar daddy.

Raelyn- shes sitting here in pajamas, messy hair, and yesterdays makeup. And she insists on buying our coffees every week. Still wanna pass her up?

Ash- ....be there in 5.

Raelyn- get her a butterscotch vanilla iced coffee.

Ash- thought she didnt want people to buy her shit?

Raelyn- then get it for me.

Ash- do I have to buy flowers or anything?

Raelyn- only if you want her to hit you with them.

Ash- I like her already.

I glanced up at Ashton, a small smile gracing my face. "So I guess it's my turn to buy you a coffee?"

He shrugged, swinging his leg back over the chair to sit down backwards on it once again. "If you insist. Pick whatever you think I would like."

I grinned this time. " whipped cream, cherries, and handcuffs?" I joked.

He beamed at me. "Nah, that's the second date. And woulsnt you know it....you already know what to call me then," he teased.

I laughed, walking away to get him a drink. I slid up alongside Rae, elbowing her in the side gently. "Are the other three coming?"

She smiled at me. "Yeah, be here any minute."

The barista asked up for our orders, while I pushed Rae's card back towards her. "I got them."

"That's 7 drinks you are paying for today," she reminded me.

"Glad your good at math," I remarked. "You can get the next round. And if they like me as a friend and we hang out in the future we can all take turns. If not, then I get to say that they are forever indebted to me. Win-win I say."

She shrugged, but didnt argue. "Fair play, that. I'll go shove the tables together and be back to help you carry them all."

But it wasnt her who came back over when the order was ready. It was Michael.

"HI," he practically yelled, squeezing me in a tight bear hug. "I'm Michael. Or Mike. Whatever."

"You seem overly happy to meet a stranger, " I laughed out, hugging him back just as tight before letting go.

"You made ashton happy," he shrugged, a huge smile on his face. "Anyone who can make his smile in the first few minutes of meeting him...especially lately, deserves to be treated like the fucking queen they are."

My brows shot up at that. "I'm a queen now. High praise. Does that make you the court jester?" I asked, handing him a cardboard tray with 4 drinks in it.

He grinned. "Sure. Anything else you wish me to carry, m'lady?"

I laughed and gave a curtsey. "Not at this time, good sir. Go forth and conquer the bistro que!"

Michael laughed, draping an arm across my shoulder while walking back to the now full tables. He set his 4 drinks down, then took one out of my hand and gave it to Rae before distributing the 4 he had.

"They're marked, and we all drink the same shit every time we go out," he explained. "The one you have is the only one I dont recognize so I assumed it is yours."

I shook my head and resumed my seat next to Ashton, with Luke next to me on the other side now. Michael and Calum were sat across from me. "Its for Ashton actually. He bought me my coffee and forgot to get his own."

"Trying to ditch her," Calum asked.

"Nope." Ashton stated. Simple. Direct. One word.

"Finally found a girl that will put up with your crazy-ass for longer than 10 minutes?" Like remarked.

"Gunna marry this one, mate," Ashton laughed out.

"Shit, you move fast," Michael snorted. "And here I was being engaged for over a year already. What am I doing wrong?"

"You actually asked your fiancee," Luke answered. "Ashton will just be standing in front of the magistrate with a blowup doll."

Everyone laughed, including me Ashton fake pouted, poking me in the side before lacing his fingers through mine. My heart gave a little flitter, but I didnt pull away.

"Come on, Love, you're supposed to defend our relationship!"

I chuckled. "Yes sir. Would you like to get married now, sir? I think I still have my old bicycle pump in my garage if you need it. And some duct tape in case your fiancee gets a hole."

He threw his head back and laughed, tightening his grip on my hand. Not hard, but in acknowledgment that it was a good laugh. "Fuck the lot of you."

"Damn, already cheating on me. And with three other men no less," I crooned, pouting my lips.

That caused another round of laughter.

"I think I'm in love with your girlfriend, " Calum huffed out. "She knows how to give back shit we dish out."

"Dont be hitting on my wife," Ashton fake growled. "I worked hard on this relationship!"

"Oh yeah? What's her name?" Rae jumped in, bemused laughter lacing each word.

A slow silence fell across the table, followed by abrupt laughter for everyone.

"Oh. My. God. You didnt even ask her what her name is yet?!" Michael bellowed, tears forming in his eyes. "I can see it now. The priest standing there like do you take this girl for your wife? And you being like, who's that?"

"Fuck all of you," Ashton gasped out through laughter again. "I'm gunna marry her one day and then shes gunna kick your asses for making fun of me."

I grinned, reaching over to poke my finger into his dimple. "Yeah? I'll kick their asses for you if you ask, darling." I agreed. "Just as soon as you get my attention and ask me. Oooh, right. You can't. Dont know my name," I beamed.

He threw back his head and chuckled. "Fuck you too, sweetheart," he remarked, leaning over to place a quick kiss to my cheek.

"Only if you scream my name out while you do," I joked.

"Fuck, but do I love a smart mouth," he agreed.

The conversation flowed easily. Two more rounds of drinks were bought over the course of a few hours, until the cafe was getting ready to close.

We all agreed to meet up next weekend, have enjoyed each others company and realizing the six of us were going to be amazing friends.

"Can we bring our girls next week?" Luke asked.

"Hell yeah " I agreed readily. "Me and Rae need all the help we can get against you four."

[fandima-moved-read-pinned]

ALL THE COLORS

red - what are you most passionate about? how did this passion develop?: Probably my art. I don't remember how I got into art though. 

orange - how many pieces of fruit do you aim to eat per day? what do you actually manage?: I try to eat at least two, normally I eat one and sometimes two. 

yellow - what’s your happy place? real or fictional?: Tumblr. It's probably real I dunno it's hard to tell 

green - do you prefer to be indoors or outdoors? which is your favourite flower to smell?: Indoors definitely. The sun hates me and also bugs. My favorite flower to smell is definitely roses. I just like them a lot ngl ^^'

blue - which is your favourite mode of long distance transport? have you ever been on a plane? - if so, where?: I've been on a plane probably 4 or 5 times? Only one of the rides weren't pleasant and it was the one where I sat in the back with very little leg room and the kid next to me wouldn't be quiet. It was also the first time I went on a plane by myself so I was really nervous. The only other mode of long distance transport I've been on is a car ride that lasted three days. I hated it. 

indigo - what’re your top three favourite names? would you consider having children in the future?: Rose/Rosie, Grace, and Tyler? I don't really know if I have favorite names ^^' Also for the second part, probably? It depends? That's not my choice to make, that belongs to my future self. 

violet - what’s your favourite cake flavour? are you any good at baking?: Definitely chocolate! And I like to think I'm pretty good at baking, I've made banana bread, Amish sweet bread, cake, cupcakes, muffins, and brownies (probably some other but I can't remember off the top of my head) 

purple - do you support the royalty? who is your favourite historical figure & why.: I don't know? I don't pay attention to royal business stuff. I don't have a favorite historical figure though, sorry (unless you count Alexander Hamilton but like the musical version) 

pink - which is your favourite animal? zoos or farms?: My favorite animal is definitely cats. I love them so much but my dad keeps insisting that, and I quote, "All cats hate humans. There is not a single cat on this planet that actually likes people. It's in their biology." and he also says that all cats are assholes and yes, a lot of them are, but like I still love them. And every time I mention how I want cats in the future my parents say "Cats? Not just one? What, are you going to be a crazy cat lady? I thought you ended your cat phase" when I usually mean like two or three. Also I prefer zoos, but I've never been to a farm so I can't actually say. 

turquoise - do you like being in the sea? which is your favourite sea side town to visit?: yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyss I love the ocean!!!!!!!! It's so fun to swim in actual waves and the saltwater just feels nice and it's cold and there's fish and I almost got stung by a man o war once but it was super pretty and the ocean is really pretty and I love it also seashells I've got some seashells and I really like them my favorite is a tiny seashell with no chips or cracks and it's adorable and I love it a lot and my favorite sea side down/city to visit is Palm Beach because the people are really nice and it's right be the ocean and that's the only one I've been to but still the ocean was right outside the window and I could walk like fifty feet and I'd be in the water I loved it so much I miss it 

mint - do you like astrology? do you consider pluto a ‘real’ planet?: Astrology is pretty neat, I'm not too into it. Also PLUTO IS STILL A PLANET DRWARF PLANETS ARE ALL PLANETS EVEN THE OTHERS LIKE MAKEMAKE AND THE OTHER ONES I DONT REMEMBER 

crimson - have you ever broken bones? do you enjoy going to the dentist?: I mean I'm not sure if teeth are bones but one time I went to the dentist in South Korea and they shattered my tooth trying to pull it out does that count? Also I'm not a huge fan of going to the dentist. I always worry I've done something wrong when in reality everything is fine and my teeth aren't possessed by tiny teeth ghosts 

amber - can you drive? if not, how do you get around?: Nope, too young. I was supposed to get drivers lessons this month but I can't :( Usually my parents drive me places if I need to go with the family somewhere. If it's just me and I have plans with a friend or something, my dad drives me. 

lime - do you like monkeys? do you believe in evolution?: Monkeys are neat but not my thing? My brother was obsessed with them as a kid though. Also yes I believe in evolution, I just normally don't care much about it. 

tangerine - how tall are you? do you ever wish you were any taller/shorter?: I'm 5'5", but I wish I was taller so I could pick up short girls and give even bigger hugs and stuff. 

azure - which gender & sexuality label do you most identify with? Gender would be female, sexuality label would be panromantic lesbian. It makes the most sense to me and I've been pretty content going by that lately!

beige - which is your favourite type of soda? do you enjoy alcohol?: My favorite type of soda would probably be coca cola or root beer, they both taste good to me. Also I don't really like alcohol unless it's mixed with something also I'm not supposed to drink it but my dad doesn't make good choices sometimes and I get like a little sip every now and then like not even once a month 

coral - which is your favourite disney movie? who makes the better movies, disney or pixar?: Ratatouille! I love it so much, it's what got me onto cooking as a kid! (also my grandpa, he helped me learn how to cook!) Also I feel like I shouldn't say. Disney used to make great movies, but the newer ones have kinda sucked in my opinion. All these live actions and just no creativity. They don't take risks because they know they'll get money either way. But also Pixar is good too. 

sapphire - do you wear any jewellery? what do you think looks best on other people?: I don't really wear jewelry anymore, I used to wear this one bracelet and necklace 24/7 because it reminded me of someone but that someone cheated on me and I stopped wearing them. And I can't say what looks good on others, it really depends on the person. 

gold - what do you consider to be your biggest achievement? when was the last time you won something?: I don't have many achievements.. I don't do much to earn any. The last time I won something was years ago when I scored the winning goal in a soccer match when I was like 11.

This took me a while but I did it! I don't think I missed any. 

[rqs902]

did you hear about casper getting kicked off the show??

unfortunately, yes…… as soon as I saw his name get greyed out on the voting page telling me that I couldn’t vote for him anymore, I immediately googled it to see if there was any explanation. I found this article: https://38jiejie.com/2019/02/01/casper-withdraws-from-idol-producer-2/ 

I’ll offer my take on the situation, but this is just my personal speculation. 

After watching ep 3, im not sure if Tarzan Next Door (TND) team A actually got to perform twice like stated in that article, or if theyre talking about the direct rematch between Team A and Team B we saw with both teams on stage during the preview for ep 4. Either way, it seems like even if that part of the news article was incorrectly reported, it’s likely that what happened was Casper’s group was not chosen to perform on stage and Casper was understandably upset. It seems like both TND teams were very strong, even from the previews and (this is entirely my own suspicion) maybe there was some bias / unfairness involved that contributed to Casper getting so upset that he was “asked to withdraw”. 

And I’m not saying I don’t like TND team A (obviously I love Wenhan and Jia Yi if you’ve seen any of my posts about them haha), but just looking at the previews and the lineups of the teams, it seems likely that there was some bias towards some teams over others. For example, I’m sure the show took into consideration that TND team A’s center is Wenhan, who is undoubtedly one of the most popular kids on the show (currently #1), as well as a big face of the show, centering the theme song and appearing on many of the advertisements and posters for the show on the iqiyi website. I feel like not letting Wenhan perform on stage would be poor marketing, and even embarrassing for the show itself, because then it’d be like they used the first 3 eps to “claim” that Wenhan is super great, but then if he doesnt get to be on stage, it’s as if the show has to backtrack and contradict itself and say oops, guess he’s actually not that great after all, all that hype was just false advertisements. 

Plus, on team A Jia Yi and Guan Yue are both also quite popular, both had fanbases before the show too, and both seem to be a favorite of the mentors, especially Jolin. Wouldn’t it be embarrassing if these 2 kids who have been so hyped by Jolin are suddenly deemed unworthy to be onstage? What are the chances they will not let this super popular group of kids perform on stage in front of the fans? Who will the fans be most excited to see? They want the fans to be satisfied and to deem the live performances worthwhile to attend. 

Yes, on team B Casper is also relatively popular and also Lian Huaiwei, but I don’t think they can compare to the power of team A’s fanbase. Plus, (and this is also just my own suspicion), I feel like there mayyy have already been some bias / prior decision-making done about which team would perform even before the judges saw them on stage, just because of the huge contrast in some of the team A vs team B costumes. Maybe this is a very superficial thought process of mine, but am I the only one who thought it was super weird how different the costumes were??? like TND team A is all colorful and flashy with interesting color combinations and all these crazy embellishments and TND team B was like black and white? looking like a very average / normal boy band stage costume. 

and just looking at the NAMANANA team costumes I was like “oh wow look at team A! they look so flashy and sparkly and cool, reminds me of Justin’s Havana/24K Magic costume from season 1!” and then I saw team B and i was like /doubletake/ “wtf what are you wearing” …

Yao Mingming literally looks like hes wearing pjs!??!! there’s nothing about that outfit that screams “let me perform on stage!” it just looks unflattering??? the colors are so bland and the design is so lazy looking?? maybe i just dont understand style, but these two outfits do not appear to be on the same level in my eyes…. (random thought, i’ve been getting the feeling the show doesnt like Mingming that much, which is really sad…. I really don’t feel like I’ve seen much of him getting to shine, and they very quickly glossed over how he won the vote for center on his team) 

anyway i just feel like certain teams’ costumes just definitely look more eyecatching than others, like the production team spent more money and effort on their costumes…. which makes me suspicious that something happened beyond what we get to see in the show. It’s kinda frustrating, but like I mentioned earlier, the show has to take into consideration a lot of marketing and popularity factors, especially since the losing team isnt going to get to perform on stage AT ALL. it kinda really sucks to be on the losing team, and I hate that this new rule is in place, and I’m also sad Casper had to go so soon when he was gaining a lot of support from just the first 2 eps. I really really hope that the kids I support who dont get to perform on stage (HUAIWEI!!!!!) still can make it through the first elims. 

[katie-----luv]

ANSWERING QUESTIONS FROM THORAYA MARONESY

Can you describe someone you love?

He’s tall. He’s so dumb sometimes. Very very handsome. He makes my heart beat so hard that i feel like i’ll throw up if i stay around him. Even if I'm just thinking about him or have something of his, i feel absolutely crazy about him. I can't tell anyone who it is, but i want the whole freaking world to know how much i love this person because of how amazing he is. He wears his heart on his sleeve and gives up so much to make others comfortable and happy. He matches his clothes well haha and when he smiles, he makes me wanna stare forever. I could literally look at him all day. He asks me things that no one else cares about and he makes me feel so welcome. Even though I literally cannot be with him for so many reasons, he will always be the one that i will love more than anyone in the entire universe and i hate it but it is reassuring that I can love someone so much. He’ll never leave too. And the best thing about him is he gives the most amazing hugs. Long, amazing hugs. Middle of the night or 4 am, he always wants a hug from me. And no matter why or what happened, i will always want a hug from him. Because he just makes me feel everything. I love him so much that even if it's indescribable, i still try because it's worth it for him. Even if these words barely light the candles on the cake. 

What's the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?

I think my sister. We’re sisters, ya know, we hate each other one second, but the next, she is as amazing as she was before. I think she is the most beautiful because of how she deals with life. She always questions, she gets deep. She isn’t simple-minded at all, very talented in art. She is the smartest person I've ever known personally. And I love how free she is. In a sense where she doesn't want to be like everyone else. She deals with her own crap like everyone else but at the end of the day, she is still getting back up and laughing. And she is so weird too haha. She likes things like care bears and wants to move to a billion different places and do a billion different careers and marry an Australian man. Her goals and personality just crack me up.

Can you define love?

Love doesn't really have a definition in my opinion. If you really love someone, you’re left speechless, you don't have the words to define what you feel because of how overpowering it is.

Can you define hate?

Hate is a major pain that is..like it feels like someone put a blanket on your heart and took swings at it until whatever or whoever you hate walked away. It's a pain that makes you feel more angry at one thing than anything else i guess.

What's your biggest regret?

I have plenty but I guess the one that sums them all up would be ever lying. Lying is what gave me more regrets. If not lying then maybe falling in love. No one really thinks i have ever been in love but i was in love with someone and they were in love with a made up version of me pretty much. I miss them everyday and i lost them bc i lied. So yeah, goes with lying but i hate that i ever fell in love with them whether it was real them or just a lie too.

Kindest act?

When i was in 3rd or 4th grade, I had a bunch of money saved up, close to $200 from birthday money and other holiday money. I spent some. I didn't know what to do with the rest, so I gave it to my school counselor to give to the leukemia charity that they were funding for the month. When they announced on the announcement that i was the biggest donator, they got my name wrong and called me Kayle instead, but I didn't care because I knew I did something good. It was $97.

Wildest dream?

I’ve had some crazy ones so it's hard to choose or remember all of one.

Biggest fear?

I used to think it was being murdered or kidnapped or maybe even spiders. Now i know that it's of being hurt. I've been hurt by lots of people before and ive cried so many times alone but didn't wanna tell anyone and pushed it down. It ended up making me do some things that i shouldn't have because I didn't wanna think about being hurt and i feel like if i have to keep pushing things down, ill continue to be afraid to speak out and be sad for a long time again.

Best and worst quality?

That's kinda hard because i have a lot of both. I guess I'll just pick at random though because i can't chose. I have a quality that can be good and bad at the same time. It's that I'm forgiving, i don't know when to give up on people. It's good because I can give people chances which makes a good friendship bc i dont just drop them. But it's bad because sometimes i give the wrong people too many chances and get hurt over and over. But when i try to figure out when to let go and give up, i do it at the wrong time and make more issues. So it's complicated.

When have you felt the most alive?

If I'm choosing a whole time period, up until 4rd grade. A moment in the times I remember, when I dropped someone holding me back. I say up until 4rd grade because all times before then, I didn't care what people thought. I was never hurt like i have been since. I was a happy kid who played with littlest pet shop and had a billion besties. And i say when i dropped someone holding me back i mean that i was hung up on someone I thought loved me unconditionally and I loved them so much. He ended up not caring about me anymore which was understandable. But later on when I finally told him to go away because all he did was make me hurt, I stopped talking to him, and I was so so so SO free.

What's the best advice you’ve been given? 

You have to love people for who they are. My mom told me this. I don't like judging people or making people hurt or uncomfortable. But sometimes people have qualities that I just can't stand but they are some of my closest friends. So when my mom told me this, I felt like if i can't love them past these qualities, maybe i need to realize whether or not i love them really, because I can't change them to fit my needs or wants.

What's been your biggest obstacle?

Trying to get passed drama whether it was created by me for myself or drama with everyone. I made mistakes, I'm human, but it's been tough trying to learn from them. Now, I'm starting to see where I went wrong and moving past it to grow. 

Most embarrassing story?

I have a lot and I physically can't make myself type any bc they're so bad.

Your perfect life partner?

Someone who doesn't care when I'm being a bum. Someone who loves me and respects me. I'm not big on too much PDA. every once in a while, i'll kiss or hold someone's hand but usually, i feel embarrassed for whatever reason. So id like them to remember that and ask or hint first. I dunno.

What does beauty mean to you? 

Beauty means personality and looks to me. It doesn't mean hot or pretty. To me, beauty is how you describe someone that's indescribable.

Favorite memory?

Well i have a lot of memories that make me smile so much. But the one that I can think of off the top of my head is probably when I went up to Ohio where my cousins live around x-mas. The year before, my little cousin Silas passed away on New Years eve. We all went to this thing where they sang xmas music, had santa, and lit up some building. Me and all my cousins had our arms around each other and we were all singing together. It felt good that even though only a year before, we lost someone so young, we could all still smile and stay strong, together.

A moment that moved you?

I was at bob evans once with my mom and sister and a random old man paid for our meal and came to us saying he just wanted too. I never forgot that old man and that happened back when I was maybe 5 or 6 and i'm way now.

What would the title of your movie be?

hm...Self-inflicted because i self inflict too many issues for myself.

How have you changed?

I’ve learned so many lessons that I needed to learn.

What do you wish you said?

I wish i apologized about so much. I also wish I told my parents why I made so many mistakes. If i had done both of those things then I wouldn't have so many regrets because I would have had less drama and maybe some support or help.

Your last words?

I'm sorry i pushed it all down.

One thing you would change about yourself?

Maybe some of the things that go through my head. I can be really rude or sound super depressed. I would change how I handle that in my head.

Biggest pet peeve?

Matching and lint/hair on clothes. If you don't match or are covered in lint/hair, it makes me feel so anxious.

What's your purpose?

I think I may actually be too young to answer, but i'll tell you when i know.

Your one simple rule?

I think I have too many to answer that.

What are you looking forward to next?

Moving away. I have so many bad relationships with friends and ive lived in the same place for my entire life. I feel like i live in a box and i need to experience other places. I want to grow in life but is hard when i'm in the same place everything has happened. So moving will help me grow a lot.

What are you most proud of?

My academic achievements. I still suck at math but I'm hoping that I can fix that and maybe I'll really have all honors classes. As of now, I have almost all honors, just missing math.

What do you miss most in life?

Feeling happy for more than a short period of time. I'm not as sad as i used to be. But back when i was always depressed, i was the definition of pushing it all away around my family. I never told my parents and still haven't told them how sad I really always felt, only the jist, because of school and life. And now, i have better things that make me happy but at the end of the day, I always feel worthless and drained.

How would you like to be treated?

I would like to be treated like i'm as equal as everyone else. My close friends know that I haven't been in a good place for a while, i went through family drama because of me for a while and i'm starting to finally fix my mistakes but it's tough because they all treat me like i can't be told about their problems since it might make me worse i guess. And I think that's also why they treat me like the ‘leader’. Out of pity. It's been that way my whole life. Even as a little kid. And i hate it. I just wanted to be treated like i'm a friend not like what i need matters more than anyone else's needs because i have ‘issues’.

What do you want to let go of?

Everything that's been put in the past. I know it's been put there for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. I want to let go of the mistakes I made in the past because I opened my eyes and saw that that's what they are, mistakes. And even if it happened yesterday, i wanna let go, because it's time to move on if it's not happening.

What does the world need?

A big slap of sense. So many are oblivious to the issues we cause to the world and what issues are just happening to the world. While some things are serious, there are bigger problems than what celebrity slept with someone last night. Things such as suicicide and global warming are real and everyones too busy worrying about chris hemsworth’s abs and so and so’s herpes. I'm guilty of it too, but more and more I realize that there's serious things happening and no one is doing much. 

What makes you happy?

There's a few things but for some reason, my cousins makes me unbelievably happy. When I'm around them, they're not my cousins. They are the best best friends I could ever ask for. I have never loved anyone more than I love all of them. When i hear i get to see them, I'm on it! I hope for the words ‘we’re going to ohio’ every second. I absolutely love them to death, even the ones who are slower than turtles. If they were my siblings, I would want to be home daily with all of them. I cant even explain how much my heart screams to be around all of them and i have no idea why. They're all so amazing. And so are their parents and grandparents and all of them. When my family is with them, i see how much fun they have and it makes me even happier because my parents don't hangout with too many friends or close family. But with them, they talk and laugh as much as I do and I love seeing them so happy.

Have you ever had your heart broken?

OH YEAH! By friends, crushes, family. I guess if I chose one from each category, friends would be when one of my closest friends told my whole school that i had leukemia and i was getting treated. So many kids asked if I was okay and I was all, ‘what?’ when I found out, I confronted her and she lied about it. And when i didn't accept her apology, I did say some uncalled for things, but she made me feel like she could just throw away friendships left and right and she didn't care what happened. But when she lost all her friends, she cared, and she put us all on a bully form because we decided we didn't need a friend who would do something like that. And it was hard watching it happen because we’d been friends our whole life. For crushes, when I was in 5th grade, I was finally in class again with a life long crush. But he played me a bunch of times and bullied me along with his friends. That stuck with me, everything they said and did, but i only cried about it alone because I didn't think it was that serious that they bullied me. Now i see it was. For family..i think when my little cousin silas passed, I realized how serious death was because I was in 6th grade at the time, I understood it all completely. It broke me big time because id met him once and he was a sweet kid. While it brought our entire family together because of his funeral, I bawled the whole time because i felt like i could've done more to interact with him even though I never had the actual chance really. 

The hardest question I've asked?

Thats hard to answer. I think when I had to ask myself if I thought being alive was worth it. I never thought i'd be the person to have to ask myself so when i did, it hit me hard and I had to take it seriously. 

What's beautiful about you?

I think it's that i always want change and am almost always willing to change. Yeah, i'm a person so sometimes I don't want to change anything. But to me, change is so good and the fact that I'm always growing because I'm constantly needing change is beautiful because it makes me mature rather than be naive forever.

How did you find out Santa isn't real?

Oh haha. My sister. We had an elf on the shelf and her and I touched it to test if it would move still. It did. So i question if Santa was real because the elf wasn't. And i would hear people moving all the time when i went to bed x-mas eve. Yeah, i took it easily. But in the back of my head, i was always kinda salty that my sister ruined the fantasy for me. But better now than never.

How do you get through hard times?

I cry. I don't like talking about problems, I feel embarrassed and alone when I have them. So I write and I cry. Which is probably one of the worst ways to deal with it all, but music also helps and I think plenty use music to get through things.

When did you realize you weren't like everyone else?

When i realized how sad i always was. And maybe when i saw how i wasnt a super skinny kid. I'm not fat. But i'm not a stick like all these girls. And i noticed that. But yeah, when i started to feel more and more sad as I got older. And I saw how not too many others were like that.

Worst decision?

Lying because it only made life worse.

1 strange fact about me?

I have a weird birthmark where my leg starts to lead up to my underwear line on the left side. I hate wearing swimsuits like underwear because of it. It's dumb.

Most complicated question ive asked?

I honestly don't know about that one.

What do you look for in a man?

I look for a deeper part of them. I look for things like the nerdy vibes. I like nerdy or depressed guys. I don't like depressed dudes because they're depressed but because they’re the ones with the deep, interesting thoughts. And nerdy because i think dorky guys are adorable. But either way, I like when they listen and their understanding and sweet. I like when they talk a lot, but not more than me. When they make dumb jokes and do more than play video games, i like that. And when they have fashion sense. And shower.

What are you scared to share with people?

Probably what my mistakes actually are.

Earliest memory?

I have a few that I remember being super young but i don't know which one was the first one but one that I like a lot is when I was really young my mom would throw my sister and i big birthday parties and I had a close friend named Gavin Bush. he and I were close because his sister Emma was besties with my sister. But i remember at my birthday party, we were eating rice krispies together and laughing. He had a huge crush on me for the longest time and I always feel bad that I didn't notice much. But i mean, laughing with him was one of my favorite things to do back then. 

Most painful thing you've ever been told?

That i lost all trust. I lied too much and my parents told me that i lost any trust they had in me. But i try everyday to build it back up.

Kindest thing you’ve been told?

That i keep people happy, even when I'm going throw something myself. My friends have told me that even when they're mad or upset, I still make them laugh and while it pisses them off, they love that about me.

What are you ashamed of?

My body. I love some things about it and hate others. I hate my thighs and stretch marks but i remember that someone out there could care less and only cares for my mind and i feel better.

Worst thing you've done to please someone?

Lied about my whole life pretty much. Or said someone said one thing when they said the opposite to protect their feelings.

[ratbastardgerard]

feel free to not answer this, but why did u decide to come out? and how did u come out? as trans i mean. im debating on whether or not i should come out and i dont really? know how to? so yeah !! anyways have a wonderful day!!

hi!! so with me, i came out because i was just?? really tired of trying to pretend i was a girl. i knew who i was, and it was just so mentally taxing for me to act like i was happy presenting as female. 

so i came out to my friends first!! i invited them over and we had a little party together and even though my hair wasn’t cut or anything at that point, i had been binding on and off for awhile. they were all very understanding and it gave me the courage to try and come out to my family.

rest is under the cut (tw for transphobia and mental stuff) 

AND THAT SUCKED. whooo boy. so i came out to my mom first after cutting my hair. i asked her to buy me boy clothes and she said no, and left it at that for a few days. then we were in her car driving home from somewhere, and she just unloaded on me, screaming and saying that i could never be a boy, that she already had a son and that what i was going through was just a phase. 

i came out to my dad next, but only?? kinda?? i started binding every day and he noticed and basically asked me if i was a lesbian (smh) and i was like no dad, but i love my short hair and i only want to wear boy clothes and so he could one up my mom, he told me that he’d love me no matter what and all that but i never actually told him that i was trans?? anyways he tried to take custody of me from my mom and my mom finally bought me masculine clothes so that i wouldn’t want to live with my dad. i didn’t really want to live with either of them, but i was going to take whatever i could get out of this situation. 

i was starting at a different school in my district that year so most people didn’t know me and i passed as male up until a teacher used my birth name or i started gym. by november of 2013, i felt like i really couldn’t take it anymore, and i went to the school’s guidance department and came out to my counselor. even though i was the first trans student my school had ever had, they were so incredible about everything. my counselor immediately did research into changing my name on the roster, informed my teachers and within a few weeks i didn’t have to change in the locker room anymore, i was signing my papers as hayden, and they gave me a pass to the nurse’s so i wouldn’t have to use either of the bathrooms if i didn’t feel comfortable with it. 

i ended up fully coming out to my dad in december of 2013 because my teacher used the name hayden and one of my cousins at school with me (who i can’t stand) went home and told his parents, who in turn gossiped to the whole family. my mom was absolutely livid, and i think that’s the first time i ever was really scared of her. my dad ended up finding out through the gossip, and was really accepting at first. he preached that he would never turn away from me and that he would try his best to understand. he was fine with everything until i turned 15, and i asked him to help me get hormones. he totally drew the line there, and i realized that i had been blocking out all of the bad things he said bc i really just craved attention from at least one parent lmao.

anyways, i kept living my life and in october 2014, i came out to all my extended family via facebook, and i did it on my mom’s birthday as a fuck you for making me hurt so much.

my coming out experience really was a mixed bag.  while i was much happier after coming out, there were so many bad days mixed in with the good ones. my mental health got very very bad and i was almost hospitalized in 2015. even with the wonderful friends and adults in my life supporting me, i came close to not seeing 16. that’s another story, but i eventually had almost an awakening?  realized that not everyone would always love and accept me, and that if i wanted to feel better, i needed to start loving myself.

 in no way am i trying to discourage you from coming out. everyone’s families are different, and if your family has shown to be more accepting, then i say go for it!! hell, even if your family is like mine, i still say go for it. there’s been huge strides in resources for trans kids since i came out, and i think that it would be easier to find the help that you might need if you’re ever feeling alone like i did during the beginning of my transition. 

coming out should always be about your health and your happiness. don’t just come out because you think you should, or because someone is pressuring you to. if you won’t be safe at home, then it’s a sad reality that you might not be able to come out. but that doesn’t have to prevent you from beginning your transition  in your head and your heart. there’s no 5 step program on how to successfully come out. sometimes, you’ll be half stuck in the closet, sometimes you get shoved back in. i had imagined so many interactions about coming out going differently from how they did, but i like to think that they were just learning experiences for me. whether your come out now or later, just remember to do what makes you happy. with time, you’ll find confidence and self acceptance that i think a lot of people lack when they first begin their transition.

i love you so much anon, and i wish you the absolute best!!! if you ever need someone to talk to i am always here, and feel free to come off anon if you need more personal stuff answered. i love being able to help anyway that i can

[alone-with-company]

✩ - Avignon

Send ‘✩’ for the following:

because this is long and gonna be a wonderful handful to tackle, its under read more.

*note that this is to the best of my knowledge of the ocs involved, so any input afterwards to ‘correct’ anything would be helpful!

Disagreements:

Who is more likely to raise their voice? 

AVI, because he gets irritated and annoyed very easily sometimes and I feel like Blue would just sort of stand there and stare until he calms down.

Who threatens to leave but never actually does?

Uh, tbh I’m really not sure? I think that they are both capable of making these threats, but I also think that it would take more than a disagreement (unless it was something crazily fundamental) for one to leave.

Who actually keeps their word and leaves?

Personally again, I feel both? But in my own instinct, it leans a little more towards Avi

Who trashes the house?

Well what kind of intense argument are these two having? I don’t think either would “trash” the house, maybe a few things broken by a pissed Frenchman, but nothing trashed lol again, this would have to be a crazy argument to even get to that point to begin with

Do either of them get physical?

I hope not??? Avi might slam and wave his hands around, and IF he were to TRY to strike Blue, I doubt that would even land.

How often do they argue/disagree?

To date, they haven’t really argued that much. Minor spats, or little comments, but its never been anything huge enough for an impact on either side.

Who is the first to apologise?

*snickering* Apologies? Where? 

Sex:

Who is on top?

That is easily Blue. Avignon never/hardly tops, not a thing he really craves.

Who is on the bottom?

Avi lol

Who has the strangest desires?

uhhhhhh, I feel like probably Blue to be perfectly honest

Any kinks?

I know that they both have kinks lmfao specifically for Blue, I don’t 100% remember them all, I know at least blood play and knives for certain. Avi likes bondage, being ordered about (you didn’t hear it from me), certain toys, lace, rough play apparently now okay. 

Who’s dominant in bed?

Blue, that is a given lol though doesn’t mean Avi might not possibly challenge, but again he rarely tops.

Is head ever in the equation?

I don’t see Blue giving head personally, I mean I could be wrong, but that doesn’t seem like that would be a thing he might do. Avignon doesn’t really give head either, though if asked, he might do it

If so, who is better at performing it?

I don’T know the answer to this, I literally have no idea LOL

Ever had sex in public?

they haven’t even had the sex. Uhm, if they did, Avi would be very desperate to make sure that they did not GET CAUGHT.

Who moans the most?

THat would be Avignon I feel, but again, could be Blue - though I feel like he would make more ‘growling’ noises if that makes sense.

Who leaves the most marks?

Blue, that is definitely him no lie at all there.

Who screams the loudest?

Avi

Who is the more experienced of the two?

Blue, I feel is more experienced lol

Do they ‘fuck’ or ‘make love’?

I personally feel like they would probably ‘fuck’ over ‘make love’, but I think that depends on the mood surrounding the event in my personal opinion. I know Avi prefers the term ‘make love’ but *shrug*

Rough or soft?

RoUgh, just because that just seems the way they might go. But maybe soft at times?

How long do they usually last?

I literally have no idea how long two non-humans would last. I don’t knOw.

Is protection used?

Avi doesn’t use protection lol I don’t know about Blue however.

Does it ever get boring?

I doubt it :’) 

Where is the strangest place they’d have sex?

Probably some abandoned building or some crazy thing like that, depends on who is thirsty and if they want spur of the moment.

Family:

Do your muses plan on having children/or have children?

HAAAAAAA HAAA NOPE NO CHILDREN HERE LMFAO

If so, how many children do your muses want/have?

ZERO so do I fill the rest of this out hypothetically...? Leave it blank? I’ll fill it out for shits and giggles because I know 1000% there is NO children at ALL.

Who is the favorite parent? 

Blue prob

Who is the authoritative parent? 

Avi

Who is more likely to allow the children to have a day off school? 

Avi LOL

Who lets the children indulge in sweets and junk food when the other isn’t around?

I don’t think either of them would care

Who turns up to extra curricular activities to support their children?

ehhhhhhh....???? Depends on the topic. I don’t know

Who goes to parent teacher interviews?

I feel like both lol Blue intimidating a teacher sounds hilarious

Who changes the diapers?

neither lol nah, Avi probably

Who gets up in the middle of the night to feed the baby?

Avi again lol

Who spends the most time with the children?

Avi

Who packs their lunch boxes?

I donT know. Avi I guess

Who gives their children ‘the talk’?

Blue can have that, Avi will just wander away from that conversation LOL

Who cleans up after the kids?

Maybe both, they both seem to like things in order

Who worries the most?

AVI he needs to NOT worry

Who are the children more likely to learn their first swear word from?

Avi :’)

Affection:

Who likes to cuddle?

I know Avignon doesn’t mind cuddling, but Blue doesn’t (yes? since he doesn’t like hugs it seems safe to assume that)

Who is the little spoon?

My first thought is to say Avi, but that implies that Blue intiates the cuddling - which he doesn’t like, so I suppose Blue would be?

Who gets naughty in the most inappropriate of places?

I know Avi doesN’t, he would try to hide any such evidence.

Who struggles to keep their hands to themself?  

I don’t think either of them have that problem, but it could depend again on the situation. On who’s more lusting at the time.

How long can they cuddle until one becomes uncomfortable?

like five seconds. Nah kidding, but I wouldn’t imagine very long at all.

Who gives the most kisses?

Idk about Blue, but Avi is one that likes to sneak in kisses so

What is their favourite non-sexual activity?

Plotting the demise of their enemies. Avi might tag along with Blue’s urban explorations tbh - maybe find some odd shops and what not.

Where is their favourite place to cuddle?

i....dont know. A random hug on the go and then back to business lol

Who is more likely to playfully grope the other? 

Not sure why, but I feel like Blue could be a tease if he wants to be. Doesn’t even have to be a grope either for him, could just be a way he talks or maybe a certain look.

How often do they get time to themselves?

a fair amount...?

Sleeping:

Who snores?

I don’t think either of them snore, Avi doesn’t, and I don’t think Blue does.

If both do, who snores the loudest?

N/A

Do they share a bed or sleep separately?

Well. Since their sleep schedule is different, I can see them sharing a bed, but also because it wouldn’t really be a big issue

If they sleep together, do they cozy up together or lay far apart?

Lay apart, though yet in still close proximity? just not ‘cuddle’ actions.

Who talks in their sleep?

I feel like they both do, to what extent with Blue, i don’t know, Avi might just mumble here and there. Though would be the type to respond to a question asked.

What do they wear to bed?

I don’t know what Blue wears to bed honestly, I almost feel like he just sleePs in his clothes. Avi wears light pjs, usually loose long pants and a long sleeved shirt

Are either of your muses insomniacs?

Well Blue is a vampire, so naturally he won’t sleep at night, but for his own sleep cycle, I can’t say for certain - but I do feel like he might have trouble falling asleep. Avi for sure has trouble falling asleep.

Can sleeping pills be found by the bedside?

No.

Do they wrap their limbs around each other or just lay side by side?

Avi would like to do that, but won’t because boundaries. so lay side by side.

Who wakes up with bed hair?

BlUe, and I don’t know why I say that LOL. Avi doesn’t get bedhead that bad, if ever, but again who knows lol

Who wakes up first?

uhhhhhhh, thats tricky to figure out because one sleeps during the day and the other at night, so..

Who prepares breakfast in bed for the other?

Neither, I don’t see them doing that tbh

What is their favourite sleeping position?

Avi sleeps on his right side, slightly curled. I’m not sure how Blue likes to sleep :x

Who hogs the sheets?

Avi might since he’s prone to getting chilly a lot of the time.

Do they set an alarm each night?

Avignon does out of habit, I don’t think Blue does.

Can a television be found in their bedroom?

Nah, probably books though and a laptop.

Who has nightmares?

HNNgggg, I can’t remember if you’ve told me if Blue does or not, Avi does on occasion, usually about things about work.

Who has ridiculous dreams?

I don’t know, dreams can be all sorts of ridiculous. I don’t think either of them personally.

Who sprawls out and takes up most of the bed?

Neither again in my opinion, I see them both as pretty sound and still sleepers.

Who makes the bed? 

Hmmm, Avignon i can see making sure the bed is made, so that it looks nice.

What time is bed time? 

LOL whenever they are tired, there is no set time. 

Any routines/rituals before bed?

Avi brushes his teeth and usually takes a shower, puts his hair up a bit, might read a little or do a few things on the internet. Blue, I don’t know what he does before he goes to bed.

Who’s the grumpiest when they wake up?AVI. Okay, hes already making himself sleep deprived so just...leave him be for a couple minutes and he’ll be fine lol

Work:

Who is the busiest?

They both seem pretty busy tbh, 

Who rakes in the highest income?

well since Avi currently doesn’t have a job anymore right now.....

Are any of your muses unemployed?

Avi lmfao not that he’s complaining about it right now though, he doesn’t mind that break

Who takes the most sick days?

Avi since I don’t think Blue can get sick

Who is more likely to turn up late to work?

Neither

Who sucks up to their boss?

well Avi did so that he can like try to work his way up to the top/stay alive, kinda important.

What are their jobs?

Blue is a neurosurgeon, Avi is a field agent to keep it somewhat simple - maybe like a makeshift FBI of the company he works for

Who stresses the most?

Avignon. When does he not stress?

Do your muses enjoy or despise their careers/occupations?

I know Blue does!! I know Blue very much enjoys his career. Avi actually wouldn’t mind so much if his life wasn’t deemed as worthless :’) and that he is basically a pawn

Are your muses financially stable?

Blue is for sure, Avi is okay for now as well.

Home:

Who does the washing?

uh, Avi I guess? THough I’m sure Blue is also perfectly capable, they would do their own laundry I would think lol

Who takes out the trash?

Avi

Who does the ironing?

Blue’s the one with all those nice suits, so him I think :P

Who does the cooking?

Well Blue doesn’t eat human food so it would have to be Avi

Who is more likely to burn the house down just trying?

Avi, though it wouldn’t be but a one time mistake LOL

Who is messier? 

They seem to be both orderly to me tbh, so if one was to be messier, it would be slight? Unless Blue just likes to put things in random places and Avi just doesn’t care for where that is

Who leaves the toilet roll empty?

Neither

Who leaves their dirty clothes on the floor?

I don’t know, Avi might throw his on a chair when he’s not going to wash it right away

Who forgets to flush the toilet?

Neither

Who is the prankster around the house?

Again, not a thing I see either of them doing. Maybe an unintentional scare because Blue is a silent walker, might give Avi a slight heart attack to just APPEAR

Who loses the car keys when it comes time to go somewhere?

Avi

Who mows the lawn?

Well no one wants someone mowing the lawn at night so Avi lol

Who answers the telephone?

Avignon is quick with telephones, so he would be prone to dart to answer it

Who does the vacuuming?

Both, they can both vacuum yes. Though I feel like Avi might push reminders more

Who does the groceries?

Avi because he’s the one eating the food

Who takes the longest to shower?

I really don’t know

Who spends the most time in the bathroom?

Avi maybe? Brushing his hair and what not

Miscellaneous:

Is money a problem?

Nope.

How many cars do they own?

Avignon has a car, I don’t know if Blue does - never been mentioned/never seen him with one lol

Do they own their home or do they rent?

They would own a home.

Do they live near the coast or deep in the countryside?

I feel like probably the coat, not gonna lie.

Do they live in the city or in the country? 

City, more convenient and probably a lot more interesting things happening. 

Do they enjoy their surroundings?

As far as I know they both do

What’s their song?

I have no idea, but that might get looked into lol

What do they do when they’re away from each other?

Business as usual lol I don’t really see a lot of behavior/pattern change just because of each other,except the fact Avi needs to find a different job now

Where did they first meet?

WELL, in a stairwell of the SSIH

How did they first meet?

Chance meeting that was probably one out of a million because who expects a crazy vampire wandering up a company stairwell? And then fun times ensue from that

Who spends the most money when out shopping?

I don’t know what Blue spends money on, honestly.

Who’s more likely to flash their assets?

Uh, I’m not sure on this either :P maybe Blue?

Who finds it amusing when the other trips over?

Blue, that is a Blue thing to be amused by

Any mental issues?

THese two? mental issues? Not at all, what are you talking about.... Both, but very different issues. One knows all about his and readily talks to his voices, while the other shoves it deep down and decides to ignore it like a fucking champ until it’ll probably eat him away.

Who’s terrified of bugs?

I wouldn’t say Avi is terrified of bugs, but he doesn’t really appreciate it when they like to invade his space

Who kills the spiders around the house?

Blue won’t, so I guess Avi will have to - that or nicely escort them out of the house.

Their favourite place?

As in together or separate? Together I have no idea, Avi separately would love to back to France on a trip, Blue I’m not sure, he seems to like the odd places 

Who pays the bills?

Both.

Do they have any fears for their future?

Avi worries about the consequences and repercussions of his late career a lot, and worries about how long he probably has left until someone assassinates him. Blue, I’m not 100% on. 

Who’s more likely to surprise the other with a fancy dinner?

Well since avi can’t as Blue doesn’t eat food (unless he does something crazy with blood somehow...)

Who uses up all of the hot water? 

Avi lol he would use all of it up

Who’s the tallest?

Blue is at 6′2″, and dear Avi is 5′9″

Who’s more likely to just randomly hop into the shower with the other?

I actually think Blue would tbh

Who wanders around in their underwear?

Neither, not a thing I can see Blue doing and Avi certainly doesn’t do that

Who sings the loudest when singing along to the radio?

Avi I feel, he doesn’t mind singing along to a radio at all :D

What do they tease each other about?

small things, maybe on different habits or hobbies that they like that might seem obscure to the other. Protecting the other

Who is more likely to cringe at the other’s fashion sense at times?

Neither I don’t think, they both have an actual nice sense of style to the both of them and nothing really obnoxious lol

Do they have mutual friends?

No......? Not that I can think of. Mutual enemies tho now lol

Who crushed first? 

Avi, Avi definitely crushed first because the Frenchman can’t help himself 

Any alcohol or substance related problems?

For Blue, not that I know of, and for Avi, no.

Who is more likely to stumble home, drunk, at 3am?

Avi might, if he’s really upset or something

Who swears the most?

Avi lol

/////////

OKAY DONE FINALLY, I very much enjoyed this lol Now you know more things, and Avi here is glowing lol. Though let me know on inaccurate thoughts? I did my best lol

[wdfa]

coming back from winter break like HELLO NAUGHTY CHILDREN ITS RELAPSE TIME

warning for... um. lots of stuff. a loooot of self hate/negative self talk. internalized transphobia/cissexism. discussions of sexual experiences (not in detail). menstruation mention. depression and symptoms.

im struggling so hard rn ugh so many Symptoms.. especially with feelings of worthlessness!!!!!!! like i just feel like im annoying ppl with just my existence!!!! UGH like i know it’s irrational bc so many ppl love and care about me and they have voiced these facts as well as affirmed them through actions! and they continue to do so! it kinda has a lot to do with my dysphoria? im not sure how to like. explain it??? because there is Context.

last saturday my frat had a brothers-only party and it was fun and cute and i had Such a Good Time because i love my brothers! some alumni came too like i got to see my grandbig again and my 2 adopted grandbigs LMAO... one is dating my gbig so she’s step-gbig i guess not adopted? but the other one is in my family line, and he has 2 “real” grandlittles but he adopted me and one of my fifth (?) cousins. ANYWAYS it was really tender because that literally happened that night, he said “as far as im concerned, i have 4 grandlittles... plates, kali, billy, and u” and im not kidding i almost cried it touched my salty ass heart. and that was pretty much the theme of the night, just me loving on everyone and everyone loving on me! 

i was kind of worried about that tbh because i was wearing one of those douchey ridiculously large arm-hole tshirts and my scars were pretty visible,,,, but like everyone was really cool about them like i got some compliments actually haha mostly they were just like “aw im so happy for u/proud of u” but one of my older bros (who happens to also be a bass!!) said smth like “yo those are really cool thats so hardcore!” which pleasantly surprised me because he’s a very aloof and sarcastic kind of person, so getting something genuine was really neat. and so much good happened that night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was great!!!!!!!!!! but also like. ugh. i guess more context needed. 

in my pledge class of 7 only 2 of us were virgins and im one of them. like ive literally never had any Sexual experience, and it was always because i was never comfortable enough with my own body due to dysphoria. even when u get past that my high school was fucking tiny so who was going to love my fat trans ass 8^) and my pbro’s situation was a little different, but he’s gay and his high school was similar so he never had the option to explore anything either. and we were like. together on that u know? i had kind of accepted that it wasnt realistic for me to want things like that, and while that realization hurt, i knew that i had someone in the same boat. but then he goes and loses his virginity!!!!! and this is where i get MESSY LMAO IM NOT READY FOR THIS BUT HERE GOES

first of all i want to say that i am 100% happy for him because he’s my friend i will support him until the end of time and he told us it was important for him finally being able to celebrate himself and grow up and operate with sexual/personal autonomy and live his own DAMN LIFE and im so so SO proud of him for that!! and i HATE myself so FUCKING MUCH for being selfish and feeling this way and taking something so important to someone i love and making it about myself, but. now its like im left behind. i hate this feeling so fucking much i hate being left behind/forgotten about/ignored/excluded from anything and everything. and now this is something that everyone has gone through but me. and it fucking sucks even more because i know the main reason that i havent done this is because im trans!!!! like i didnt ask to be this way!!!!!!!! trust me! its so fucking difficult!!!!!!!! i hate being different sometimes, i literally just want to be like everyone else, i want to be fucking normal for once. like i know that ‘normal’ doesn’t actually exist but im tired of having to struggle through things that other people dont. and ive really just been dwelling on this and extrapolating like “welp no one will ever wanna hook up with me or date me or love me and im gonna die alone like the piece of shit i am” and it’s just opened up soooooo many Bad Feels that i either havent thought about before or did a really good job at repressing! literally just shitty Dysphoria garbage!!! 

and now its like. “ok well u dont want to be a virgin anymore then go out and have sex” WELP it doesnt really work that way!!! i’m very masculine in appearance (or at least i try to be) and the people who are attracted to me expect me to be a Cis Male, because unfortunately we assume everyone is cis until proven otherwise. bottom line is theyre gonna expect me to have a dick! but i dont! what happens when im into someone and theyre not aware of this fact? what if we Get Going and start Doing the Do but theyre like EW GROSS DIE??????? i just keep thinking about this!!!!!!!!! its in my head and i cant get it out!!!!!!!!!! like i Did Not go to bed on sunday night because i just keep dwelling!!!! i went to therapy on tuesday and told all this to my psychologist and usually that gets it out of my system but no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she’s usually really helpful because she approaches things logically rather than emotionally but that didnt work in this case i guess!!

i told my pbros about some of these feelings and they said the shit your friends are supposed to say to make u feel better and it was reassuring that they loved me at the time but like. i guess it didnt stick lol because im still convinced that im unlovable even though mccoy sat on my lap half the night and david let me casually touch him (he does not like physicality so that was kind of a Bigger deal) and ben laid on top of us and we were all so tender but i literally cant translate that into permanence i guess!!!!! but also bad things happened at meeting that kind of validated my fears bc me n a few bros were talking, i think it was me and a gay guy and a girl who thought she was straight but shes questioning if shes bi and i cant remember who else because i was Turnt but these two were like the main source of conversation. the guy was like “im definitely gay like i know i dont like girls because vaginas are just gross” and the girl was like “yeah i dont know, im attracted to hot girls but idk if i could ever fuck w/ a girl because ew vagina” LIKE im.... ... standing............ right .... here...................... and i said something! like “thats transphobic not everyone w a vagina is a girl” and i cant remember exactly but they totally like. brushed me off. i initially have all of these doubts, then my bros are like “yooo that’s irrational, everyone loves u” which makes me feel better and kind of makes the doubts get less awful BUT THEN this happens and we’re back to square one SO.

it doesnt help that i fucking started my period on monday. i havent had it in over a year. but i had to skip a dose of T before my surgery and my ADHD ass forgets everything so i ended up skipping like 3 so apparently this is what happens when you stop taking it :) im really hoping that this is the reason im so emo about everything right now UGH.

all of these feelings are just taking such a toll on me its like im weighed down,,, i was supposed to do some studying today and take some notes but instead i stayed in bed and played games on my phone lol!!!!!! i didnt even do anything fun!!!!!!!!!! and now im alone on a friday night doing NOTHING just like i did fucking NOTHING all day today!!

what sucks about this is that im alone because i feel sad.... but being alone makes me feel even MORE sad........... like im happy when im with my friends, im happy when im with my brothers, im happy when im at the house! but for some reason i cant just text a bro at random whenever im feeling down. like if i did, i know that no matter who it was theyd give me the support i need/the support id get at the house with everyone there. but i cant make that move, i cant take that risk, because i must Avoid.... like i know talking to ppl and being around them makes me happier, and i know if i did gather the ‘courage’ or w/e to do that then the odds of getting a positive response would be 99% but i just. Cannot initiate. because that 1% chance of rejection is just too much. im terrified of it. even if i did take that chance i dont even know what i’d say??? “hey lol im kinda craving death because im a worthless abomination haha wyd” ????? im still not comfortable w talking about being trans. like i am a bit but only with certain people. definitely not with the brotherhood. maybe my big? but she just got a new girlfriend so i dont want to bother her. honestly i dont want to bother anybody!!!!!!!!!! which is Wrong because i tell ppl all the time that their emotions are valid and theyre not bothering people who care but HERE WE FUCKING ARE KIDS!

ok i think im done now i just. really had to get that out. replies and likes and asks are welcome but the other thing is not allowed. the thing with two arrows that kind of go in a circle. none of that.