#they dont even pay my therapy bills

[kindheartedgummybears]

"Anthony canon soul survivor" this, "What if Megan was soul survivor" that.

Okay but just imagine, James and Anne survivors. Just imagine.

[dazais-guardian-angel]

Can someone please draw this...

...to look just like this.... :' )

are you a "you might not see a great difference between good and evil, but saving others will make your world a little more beautiful"

or a

"even if you are nothing more than a pattern on the surface of raw power, you are you; because all humans, all lives, and the bodies and brains comprising them, are nothing more than patterns; beautiful patterns, etched into this physical world"

type of wise older male figure who realizes everything they should have said long ago only on their deathbed, and encourages the lost boy protagonist who questions their humanity to live, with words that will be the most uniquely validating and comforting to them?

[vero-niche]

Im really scared of the tisza párt thing because we could easily end up in a situation where it's either them or fidesz. Far right or whatever the fuck is going on there, like in america :/

honestly it's either gonna be that or they gonna show their true colors in the next 2 years and crumble into dust, and unless theres a miracle in the left parties (or even if there would be a miracle) fidesz wins yet again

however, everything ends at some point, even fidesz's reign and orbán's life. wether i'll still be in hungary when that happens OR for whatever comes after their inevitable fall is another story. in the meantime, lets just live on and dont borrow worries from the future, we'll deal with whatever happens when it happens 💞

[h-ypno]

Hm.

[arquaticdreamer]

ID:

1. Things I struggle as a level 3 nonspeaking autistic (high support needs)

2. Level 3 autism comes with requiring very substantial supports. Like needing a caregiver to complete most or all ADLs, IADLs, and BADLs. ADLs for me would be I need my caregiver to complete tasks for me like basic human needs. (I.e) Bathing, feeding, dressing, and bathroom needs. My caregivers also completes all IADLs such as shopping, cooking, budgeting, paying bills, and making all doctor, PT appointments and therapy appointments.

3. I also struggle due to my disability being very obvious or visible, people still get impatient with me because i dont understand social cues at all, and often misinterpret them, i don’t get many figurative speech phrases. Or knowing when it’s my turn to communicate back on my AAC. Due to my autism being very visible most people scoff at me in public when they see me stimming, it is sometimes better when they choose to smile at me instead. I appreciate those people for trying.

4. Meltdowns are horrendous for me, not having any control over my body and it just acts against me, brain body disconnect is the real struggle. I throw things, i hit, and SH stim, I break objects and hurt others at times. And I feel absolutely awful afterwards. I just hate the mess and havoc I cause. It truly depresses me how much my body lashes out. It feels like an underwater volcano erupting, but causes aftershocks and creates tsunami’s. Sensory overload robs me of bodily autonomy and assaults me in all ways that I never consented to. As brutal as it can put it.

5. And lastly as a full nonspeaker I by default struggle and face more mistreatment, abuse, and misunderstanding from NT, Allistics, and other ND, and speaking Autistics alike. Which is a frustrating nightmare in itself. People can talk over my AAC voice, or completely disregard it. I've even had a case worker tell me that I was speaking over them before, when i was merely preparing what my next response was that helps me save time and spoons before I am to hit enter to say it. It will frustrate any nonspeaker or AAC user who cannot rely on speech to be understood. AAC tablet can drain battery, and you don't always have a wall charger accessible to recharge it. It can break, be broken from meltdowns, and get liquid spilt on it too. And AAC apps and Ipad replacements are very costly.

ID:

[sparklymilks]

having an internal conversation about what is the appropriate amount to share tmr when i (hopefully) get an appt with my doctor, who i haven't spoken to in a long time (all the drs ive seen post-berlin are just random Other Doctors rather than the one i actually like and have a good rship with)

i want to be honest about how much im not coping but not to the extent that he wont give me what im asking for (pills they are funny about prescribing)

not worried about being hospitalised bc. it just wont happen unless im actually in the room holding a noose, and i dont even know how to tie them

but i am wondering whether or not to bring up the random pill mixings and the aliens specifically bc im unsure if they'll help me in my quest for serious sedatives or harm me lol. i will also say that ana keeps all the intense pills anyway (true - even tho i think its just for hteir own peace of mind tbh but im happy to make concessions like that to make ana less abjectly terrified im going to kill myself all the time lmfao)

was thinking that explaining the random pill mixings might show my desperation in getting to sleep, and that im better off if he prescribes me something that doesnt have an uncomfortably high chance of causing me long-term damage, but ana thinks it's a bad idea to bring this up bc he might just shut down on me entirely pillwise and (i assume) try and funnel me down a talking therapy / NHS CBT type route instead of what i need: just to be fucking knocked out every night i was thinking i would bring the aliens up bc i figure that's a fairly easy thing to make sound like it's entirely a lack of sleep problem. it might actually even be that idk. they haven't come back sinec the last time i mentioned it here, which was after a period of no food or sleep for 24h. (i wont mention how much this devastated me) i was also thinking id point out that he's prescribed me valium for ... i wanna say 4?? years without me getting dependent on them also need to pointo ut im self employed/working two jobs/paying extra bills and cannot get a "sick note" or take time off bc there literally isnt anyone to give a sick note to - i need to make money, i dont qualify for sick pay so no matter how nuts i get it litreally doesnt matter. so instead i need to get decent sleep

[spidermanifested]

for “give me a character”: scar fma!!!!

TEARS MY SHIRT IN HALF LIKE JERMA985.

how i feel about this character:

i need to FEED HIM DINNER and TAKE HIM TO A CAT CAFE and PAY FOR HIS THERAPY BILLS

hes everything. he did not deserve a single second of how the main characters treated him. Hes gods strongest ocd warrior and the king of adidas sweatpants and i need to get my fanfiction done so i can give him an epilogue where he has so many friends and two dozen adopted cats and he can gradually transform into a bear in peace

all the people i ship romantically with this character

its So fucked up to me. that scar/greed hasnt taken a foothold anywhere in the past 20 years of this series existing. the possibilities are incredible. you have two people from very different backgrounds on the run from the same government who can never go home again. theyre also, for one reason or another, loath to bite the bullet and call somewhere *new* their home. (wont it just be taken away again? can anything really be permanent for someone like them? do they even belong with humans at all? And So On)

despite these parallels the fronts they put up to protect themselves are WILDLY different. scar would definitely be put off at first by how arrogant and airheaded greed can seem, not to mention his origins and their opposing feelings on chimeras. their stated goals are very different too

but the thing about greed is that. Well. hes SO hard to actively dislike for very long. if you observe him for Any length of time the reality of the type of person he is just clicks and everything gets cast in a new light. scar is very observant! he would get it! and then he would regret getting it. but be incapable of un-getting it. itd be terrible and awesome

& Also, scar is notoriously extremely susceptible to people who decide that they want to hang out with him simply doing so. greed is nothing if not a barnacle of a man. and to top it all off, we have the CANONICAL fact that the first time he sees scar hes like "waow :)"

aside from those two. uhhhhh in my fanfiction scar and bido have had had One conversation alone at night during which they started doing sentimental hand touching without my really intending that, to happen, so. i cant help but Think About It. bido being a chimera-- and a visibly nonhuman one at that-- is a uniquely interesting thing to put next to all of scars Bodily Transmutation Woes i think, and hes also not one to shy away from vocally supporting his friends and i think thatd be good for scar. i dont think circumstances will allow these guys to pass beyond the border of "weird unstated quasiplatonic throuple" in the fic proper, but, maybe . If i put it out into the world. others will see my vision, and run with it... we may only dream.....

i havent watched that far in 03 yet but him and lust Specifically in that version seems preddy good! and then my goofy one is scar/dolcetto. because of adidas

my non-romantic otp for this character

HIM AND MEI!!!!!!!!!!! the best friends of all TIME. im still adamant that their relationship is VERY SPECIFICALLY that of a new step- or adoptive dad and his teenage daughter whos already extremely self sufficient so he doesnt really know what to do for her parenting-wise, but she immediately starts telling him all the drama from school and using him for eyeliner practice and they are both satisfied with this arrangement. theyd both kill a man for each other. it rules

plus i cant not include greed and bido as his co-uncle-buddies in a platonic way as well. because im entrenched in my au and its real to me. marcoh and yoki are there too i guess

my unpopular opinion about this character

he should be legally allowed to do what ever he wants 👍 and its good tjat he killed all those people

one thing i wish had happened in canon

uhhh. mei should have been shown defending him more and not just as a joke. his actions should have been framed as justified and sympathetic instead of having to sit there and get chastised by a bunch of 15 year olds and cops. he should not have been made to work with the military in the first place. wish he got to reclaim his name even if we the audience never get to learn it. and finally every military character he had to interact with should have had to write him a personal letter of apology and given him three hundred thousand dollars

[mikoriin]

u know....one thing i see often on here is that therapy is way to expensive for most people, which can be true, but what i never see is the recommendation to try and see what resources your local counseling facility has. mine offers a sort of insurance coverage plan that i got on when i was 15 and pretty much still use to this day even tho i do have insurance and a job. essentially this is a way for counseling services to still give anyone who needs it some service, but without all the bills. i am at 0% reliability with my facility rn which means whatever my insurance doesnt pick up, the board pays for it.

i rly rly rly think more options like this should be brought to peoples attention because i know i just live in a small tourist town in ohio, but my counseling facility cant be the only one who uses this method to help their patients.

my point of this post is to put the idea out there to just look around and ask. at my facility u can literally just walk right in, explain your situation or that you desperately need to talk to someone but dont have a job/insurance/cant afford the bills, and they will set u up with a therapist to speak to you on the spot, assess if you need continual services with them and if you would like to receive treatment there, and take care of you as needed to whatever is going to help you best.

u dont NEED to go to one of those really fancy private therapists if u cant, sometimes a local counseling facility is the best way to go because mine has been there for me since my teenage years and ill be 30 in 3 years. you dont always have to sell yourself short of treatment and services out of fear of lack of money when a local counseling facility near you may be offering some way to help you cover your expenses, with tons of other local resources in their back pocket. please dont use ai or some random chat to get your treatment, please speak with actual trained professionals who went to school for this and know what theyre talking about.

[chenkari]

depression whatever

im not sure what to do, i can only pay this month's student loan, then i'm out of money :^) I literally feel like I can't survive working my current job anymore. I've been looking for a new job, but there isn't much up here. I'm hoping the money i get from christmas will be able to cover one more month. I was trying to save what money I had but Venus's vet bill ate up a good chunk of money.

in general i've also just been so depressed. i just can't fucking do anything. i don't know what to do with myself. i don't know what i need to do to be happy. i'm so miserable. i cry every day and i dont know how to stop. I really miss my house. It's like. I have the feeling of wanting to "go home" but there is no home to return to. Once again, I am thankful that my parents are letting me live with them, but this has taken such a huge toll on me.

I was in a therapy group a while ago, and back then my parents were talking about moving, but they said that we would probably move in 2 years. I was comforted by what someone had said, they said that I would probably be a different person in two years. I felt like I would have time to brace myself and come to terms with moving or something. Instead we moved not even a year later. I feel like. Idk. Robbed, in a way. Like I was supposed to have two more years at my home but I didn't get that. Tbh, regardless if we had stayed two years or not, I would probably still be feeling really upset upon moving. But maybe by then I would have been more stable. I don't know.

My friend group has a friend visiting town rn and I would have liked to have gone down and hung out with them already, but it's such a long drive I feel like I should only make one visit down there to save on gas. They also went to the mall and ouuugh i wanted to go so bad but I shouldn't be eating out or anything right now. I think when I do get to see them, it will be good for me because I've been feeling really isolated and alone lately.

[intotheelliwoods]

Ouughhh the best way I can put those 10 years is really just, little moments. Thats really all it was, 10 years of just peace and everyone could actually relax..? Shredder was gone, aside from maybe fixing/cleaning the city the Krang were gone. The foot outside New York have not bothered regrouping just yet. There was no one to fight, just moments to live

Memories included in those 10 years off the top of my head:

-The time Medium Leo tried to put on one of his socks/leg wraps really fast only for it to rip

-Big and Medium going to the hidden city and shopping around for Medium Leos new look

-At some point or another Medium Leo had to undergo another port surgery due to his growth, and the old port no longer being his size, but he didnt mind much

-Donnie got to build a new arm, Medium Leos current arm is definitely one of his favorite creations

-Casey got to go to the zoo with Cassandra :) Those two sooo spent lots of time getting to know eachother, not really as mother son, but still as family

-Medium Leo being strong enough to pick up Big Leo! Ha that was a day

-Mikey learned to float! With help of Big Leo ofc

Some of this I would love to draw but mannn, my plate of things I need to draw is getting scarily big haha

---

Yeah.. :( With BIg Leo we knew, sorta nothing about him, just a vague idea that was never really plot important so it was not brought up often. We all knew him as just, the strong guy with good advice yeah? Someone you could depend on and who would always be there.

With Medium Leo, you know what happened. Each time he gives solid line of advice, or any line in general, you know exactly where its coming from and you can figure out exactly what happened in his past that made him say that you know? (I know hes had like, no lines after the whole time travel ordeal but give me some time to work on later updates haha!)

This was definitely a big risk for me ough! I didnt even think I would get this far a while back! I am sooo happy theres people still invested in the story after all this! :) Thanks for sticking around waa!

@alltheyearsblog

---

Oh you are so not alone, autodesk was kinda a trip for me too after I swapped computers a while back! I have a weird story with autodesk-

Listen, I got autodesk for free, years ago, and to this day I have no clue how I even managed that! On top of that I have some special imported brushes that I dont even think you can find online anymore????

Because when I switched computers, 1. I could no longer find a free version of autodesk, so I had to just transfer the program file from my old to my new computer, and 2. I could no longer find the free online brush packs! I had to transfer those files too!

But yeah hello! Autodesk be wack but thats why I love it <3

---

Not paying for your therapy bills o7 @justletmereadmycomics

[kasaneteto]

more complaining

its really starting to sink in just how shitty of a friend my roommate has been to me since his break up. he’s letting poor mental health be an excuse for all of his shortcomings and doesn’t care at all about how much harder my life is because of it. he doesn’t give a shit that im the one who cleans everything or that im constantly picking up after him. he literally only cares about himself. only cares about something im doing if it pertains to him. just the other day i went out with him and our other friend so he could take pictures for a zine he’s in and when i brought up the possibility of us stopping by trader joes on the way home he just said “i dont want to do that” and nothing else. like. literally all you would have to do is drive there and wait in the parking lot. we’re already going out together and trader joes is on the way home. but you can’t even do something that small for me. because you get nothing out of it. he is so fucking selfish and i am done making excuses for his laziness. if he doesn’t wake up and smell the fucking roses im done. i cant keep someone in my life who will never have my best interest at heart. i can keep supporting someone who refuses to support himself. he is honestly baggage for me at this point and it makes me really sad because we used to be such good friends. i still want to call him a good friend. but he just isnt. he cant be serious or responsible and if someone asks him to he demonizes them. actually he demonizes anyone who doesnt give him what he wants but in a way that he clearly knows its unjustified so he just says he doesnt feel that way but his actions speak for themselves. even his words cant hide his true feelings most of the time. “its not like im mad at them its just…. yeah idk” is something he said about someone he was seeing that decided they just wanted to stay friends. um that sounds like youre mad to me buddy! anyways sorry im just ranting atp. im just going back and thinking about all of the little things erik has done that made him hard to live with and im realizing just how much dead weight he’s been in my life. like im literally supporting us both in a lot of ways. i buy all of the kitchen cleaning supplies. i pay the bills on time and dont constantly bother him when he owes me money. i actually fucking clean the place unlike him. i even fucking. so i bought paper towels a couple months ago when it was my turn and i bought a 24 pack. as you do. we run out and its eriks turn and he buys…. a two pack. so im like well fuck that im not providing for our household so i buy a two pack when its my turn. motherfucker then buys a SINGLE ROLL of paper towels when its his turn. claims its because he was low on money. oh but you can afford this whole fucking apartment to yourself? get a fucking grip man

im so upset with him. my therapy appointment could not come sooner. i know i am actually sick rn but the stress of all of this is definitely making it worse. i want to scream in his face to get real and stop wallowing in misery. stop feeling sorry for yourself and start making improvements in your life because nobody is going to do that shit for you.

[pink-enby-in-distress]

mom just asked me what she did she do. what if i broke down cried and exploded. "i feel like i love for my child and put my whole being into supporting you and providing you for your needs and wants, just to get a kid back who's disrespectful to me and is mad at me all the time." to paraphrase. she even acknowledged that she caused a lot of trauma w me!!

im sorry idk how to stop the resentment. and i dont even feel like you deserve to have me be kind to you now. you may be all great now but you werent. you might be there for me now but you weren't before bitch. you definitely weren't before. and i feel like im overreacting bc she's not a drug addict. she didn't beat me yk. but she hurt me. she broke me over and over and over again. so much so u used to beg any god or being out spirit to just kill me so i could escape. and now u want me to be cordial!! except i have to actually start being cordial bc shes paying the bills and for my therapy and healthcare. and i feel so stuck without a job. jesus christ

[arcane-sync]

Its not even that I'm unhappy, I'm just... dissatisfied.

Like I am objectively at the best place I have been in my life. I am fully functioning, paying the bills, and making good progress in therapy. Aside from my marriage, things are going about as well as can be expected.

But I still just... dont like it. All of my hobbies involve escapism to some extent. Life isnt beautiful or whimsical or meaningful. It's just kind of... boring.

Is this depression or what it is like to leave survival mode? I dont know.

[sigmabateman]

thank you @annalynnn for tagging me in this get to know me better!! <3333

last song: famous prophets (stars) by car seat headrest. one of my favourite songs literally ever i never tire of it despite its immense length. i think i was trying to get screenshots of the lyrics so i could compare them to jillcharlie scream 4 LOL but they're good lyrics so. i can't even be mad

currently watching: castle rock!! to be honest i only started it for rory culkin but melanie lynskey is such a star she made me pay attention and i've actually been really loving it. bill skasgård is also there which is kind of helping my fear of the skasgårds through exposure therapy i think.. but first i have to finish yellowjackets season 1

currently reading: technically exquisite corpse by poppy z. brite cause i keep picking it up and enjoying it too much and having to put it down. but but i did start two girls, fat and thin by mary gaitskill the other day and i was really enjoying it so i must get back to it before i forget what was going on

latest obsession: erm. glances around. rory culkin... i feel like its more obvious than usual because usually i dont post about what im obsessed with (no one on this app even knows i have a cereal bowl with vinny from everymanhybrid on it) but yeah its been rory for at least a month now. coming up on 2 soon which is usually the time it starts to wind down but who knows !

no pressure tags: @nights-decay @bloodcoveredgf @boycentriccplot @flaming-tsunami @bandaidboyxcv + of course anyone else if it sounds like fun !!

[transexualpirate]

serious post ew look away but i need to vent for a second

it's infuriating how fast i can go from feeling amazing to feeling like actual garbage. just this week i was happy that things are looking up for me and mulder and my little petsitting business was taking off and i was doing good at college only for things to go bad again because it always feels like im not allowed to enjoy feeling happy for too long

i know i sound super dramatic right now but i can't help it thats my natural reaction to things. im dramatic. its who i am.

my roommate is moving out possibly this week and im glad because we haven't been getting along well recently but also the bills are piling up and i was already on the edge of it as it was but i could still maintain things. but i just learned that my landlord wants to raise rent 10% unexpectedly and i know it isn't a lot and i can probably still pay it but it's still scary. it'll be my first time living 100% on my own and i have a cat to care for (thank goodness because if i had to live actually alone i dnt know what id do lol but with a cat relying on me i know im safe) and it's just. i dont know. it kind of feels like a lot. i dont know if im ready for this if ill do well if ill be okay and i hate that so much. everything is so expensive and im looking for a job but it's so so hard to find one i can do while still having time to spare for college and im scared that my grades will drop because this semester has been really hard and I'm really insecure about my own intellectual abilities. and keeping an entire apartment clean by myself. can i even do that. i struggle with keeping my room liveable sometimes what if i fuck up and the house gets super dirty and it's embarrassing and i can never bring anyone over in fear of them finding out what a fucking mess i am. not that my friends come over a lot obviously. i dont know if my friends like me very much. one of them drifted away from me after i fucked up twice once by sleeping with one of her friends and making things super awkward because he fell for me but i dont like him that way and twice because my roommate and i aren't that good right now and my roommate is also a close friend of hers. and i have other friends but i always feel like i cant keep long lasting meaningful friendships if we see each other often because i fucking suck. i think im just a little bit of a mess right now and it's. exhausting. im scared. im scared and money is running thin and i can always ask my parents for more but im scared of doing that too because my mom always makes it seem like i own her something when she gives me money. which i guess i do so it makes sense. but im tired of owning things to people and i was trying to go by without depending on her so much but i guess im not ready for that. im almost 19 and i feel 13 when things started crashing around me for the first time and it's a little more than a month to my birthday which is often a shit time because of bad things that happened there and i dont know dude i dont fucking know i think im just overwhelmed i wish i could go to therapy again but i don't have the money or the time really. at least i have mulder. ill always have my cat. i love him so much. at least i have him. i have to hope things will get better. i have to hope and work for things to get better and i know this because i worked before and it worked. but god im tired and i just wish i could go to sleep and not wake up to bad news for once. i wish i could go to sleep. fucking hell

[syscourse-confessions]

I gotta get this off my chest and it’s not tecnically syscourse but here we go

Ive been faking my plurality for a few years

Been faking to everyone, online, my gf, even in therapy. Been diagnosed with DID by a real professional and she doesnt know Im faking

Idk why Ive been doing this. Ive always been so fucked up and alone my whole life, no real interests, no hobies or passions, no friends, estranged fam, working a job that I hate which hardly pays the bills. There is something srsly wrong with me. A few years ago I learned about plurality online and decided to psych myself out about it and Im now in treatment for it, been in treatment for a couple years now

I got some real mental problems but DID probably aint one of them. I pretend Im plural cuz it helps me feel less alone I guess. “Recovering” from trauma I dont have gives me something to hold on to and focus on

Been making up shit to say in therapy but idk its so easy for me to convince myself that shit that never happened actually happened. Ive always been prone to psyching myself out about shit and convincing myself of things that arent true for some reason. So its literally been feeling like Im actually doing trauma work in therapy and connecting with parts and shit when Im not even traumatised at all

This shit is exausting but at this point its all I have and Im in to deep. Coming clean now will destroy my already super small support system. So guess Im just gonna keep up this charade fiorever

I just wanted to tell someone, anyone. I know what Ive done is horrible. Im literally the guy fakeclaimers warn about and it eats away at me but at the same time Im used to living like this and even tho it sucks I kind of like it. Its like a fake answer to my problems that I gave myself and explains why Im such a failure ha ha

DISCLAIMER: Posts may or may not reflect accurate information. More info here: https://www.tumblr.com/syscourse-confessions/728819621058232320/disclaimer-treat-posts-here-like-you-would-any