#they didnt superimpose it onto everything else

[this-divine-intervention]

Ok fam, just no lol...

  Time for another WoW rant about my favorite blue people (Draenei) because some are either missing the point of what I said in my first rant, or extrapolating things about them that are at most, pure supposition, and at worst totally incorrect lore.

http://this-divine-intervention.tumblr.com/post/159800030553/incoming-fan-lore-critical-rant - original masterpost

   The Draenei did not freaking “colonize” Draenor anymore than Syrians irl fleeing to Europe to avoid total annihilation are “colonizing” Europe. They. Are. REFUGEES. The Genedar LITERALLY CRASH LANDED because one of the Naaru powering it had used so much of its energy that it hit its horizon point and void shifted/became the darkstar. They had absolutely NO intention of settling foot on an already settled world. They fucking crashed people. It was “land here or die by void entity/sudden black hole.”

   Whats more is when they did indeed crash, they traveled halfway across the continent to get as far away from settled areas as possible so as to not interfere or cause competition. Not only do they do this, but they settle in the literal blasted ruins of the old ogre capital. Land that no one had touched for an extremely long time. The other major reasons they chose this spot was for defensive purposes, and access to a harbor. They planned from the BEGINNING to not interfere, to not compete, and to be as non invasive to the peoples of the world they had crashed on. Practically every area they settle they do so where there is minimal if any possibility of competition with other races, like say the orcs maybe? Karabor is off the coastline, Shattrath is backed by massive mountains and before it was built was as said before, blasted ruins. Every town and small city was within miles of these two draenei fortress cities. Expansion of any kind was minor, and controlled.

   Now onto something I saw that almost had me kind of livid. Some have suggested that the Draenei should have told the orcs about the legion. I’ve heard this before. This idea is ludicrous outright for what I thought were extremely obvious reasons. Number one: the races of Draenor are distinctly xenophobic. They couldn't stand each other, and they certainly wouldn't (and didn't) tolerate the blue magical aliens that literally fell out of the sky and crashed onto their world. They would have tolerated them even less if said blue magical aliens started talking about an interstellar war that had cracked their planet in half and either killed or transformed most of their race into demonic hellspawn. Like? Wtf lol?? Number two: there was no evidence at the time that the legion had pursued them. Velen’s magic and prophetic capabilities were also nearly shattered as well meaning they had no early warning system left in the first place. The even mild insinuation that the Draenei are somehow responsible for the destruction of Draenor is not only ignorant, but totally spits in the face of oh, I dunno, THE GENOCIDE OF SHATTRATH AND KARABOR.

   Lets talk about the Orcs now. The orcs originally were only marginally better than the other “natives” of Draenor. They were clannish, nomadic, and also quite violent. Some of them were shamanistic, and it was generally the shamanistic clans that the Draenei interacted well with. The Draenei were extremely isolationist and never showed tenacity for expansion or violence. When the Ogres attacked Shattrath Velen and the city’s arcanists successfully forced their entire army to leave with extremely minimal casualties. “Leave, and you shall not be harmed” Leave they did. This policy of firm hand, but non interference was annihilated when the orcs began their conquest of Draenor.

    Let me be clear here... Yes, it is correct the Orcs were manipulated. But to say that they absolutely did not want to subdue the world, and that they did not enjoy violence? That is utter rot. They enjoyed burning Draenor. There were exactly two clans (not coincidentally Thrall’s bloodline) that had no desire to partake in the violence, yet both of these clans STILL went along with it and did next to nothing to stop two entire cities of civilians from being butchered down to the last child. The orcs have been barbaric and violent from the beginning, and before somebody jumps in with the “But they were being controlled by demon blood! They were corrupted!” NO. This is freaking BEFORE they drank of the fel. They began sacking and burning every civilization on the continent BEFORE they went pure green evil. None of them stepped up and was like “Uh how about we NOT stripe mine our own planet and hack down its forests? Maybe we shouldn't be murdering entire civilizations?” The Draenei were the last to fall, and it figures the only reason they did fall was because the Orcs had the help of demons and voidspawn. Had they attacked without these evil magics, they wouldn't have stood a chance. Even with them Karabor only fell because Guldan and his sycophants seared the city with the darkstar.

   Orcish civilization fucking created Guldan, and the other monster we come to know as Garrosh Hellscream. Guldan was a disabled young orc who was treated like utter trash, and abused by his own tribe because he was disabled. They thought he was worthless. Only their shaman had the capacity to see that he possessed enormous magical potential, and told him to seek out the primals to become a shaman. Now this is where imma bash the primals too for a bit. Guldan barely survived the trip to the throne of the elements. He was desperate, totally alone, and completely broken to pieces.

    Not the image of him yall are used to is it? He needed HELP, not silence and denial. When he begged the elements for help they responded to him the same way everyone else always had. Contempt and distaste. They zoned in on the negative ways he might use magic instead of the fact that making him a shaman would likely restore his entire life. With that response, they burned their world. Instead they could have set the groundwork for the most powerful elemental guardian their world or any had ever seen. Draenor likely would have never fallen. This final denial destroyed Guldan, and turned him into what he is today. A complete monster.

  The primals may have been the final catalyst, but make no mistake... it was Orcish culture that ruined Guldan. A culture that values only the strongest and the mightiest, that only listens to the shamans and the elderly when their stupid warring no longer worked. The culture that willingly ravaged their entire world, and committed multiple hellish genocides for the sake of power/material gain when it was obvious they were the ones destroying it. Dont get me wrong, there are decent Orcs. Ner’zhul was originally a good man, Thrall, Garrona, etc. Heck I may have zero respect whatsoever for Durotan and his passive choice to ignore genocide/total ecocide, but his tribe didn't want to rampage through Draenor. The problem is these characters are the exception to the orcs, not the rule.

   They had chance after chance after chance to turn back and stop, to see what was obviously before them, and STOP. They didn’t, and 80% or more of the Draenei payed for it with the horrific destruction of their civilization, and the blood of their literal children.

I have said twice that the Draenei are not perfect, and that they do have issues. Their issues however are so comparatively minor to anything we see from the other races that pointing them out the way people do and being like “BUT THEY ARE PROBLEMATIC BECAUSE XYZ” is totally tone deaf. If you want to talk about “issues” and hugely problematic behavior, barbarism, monstrous cultural failing, etc, lets talk about the orcs, or the trolls, or the ancient highborn. Lets talk about how the fanbase, and the writers of WoW give free passes to monsters like Garrosh’s father, and wipe Thrall’s total stupidity under the rug. Lets talk about how the Draenei are used over and over as WoW’s plot device punching bag, and how everyone seems to collectively ignore the absolutely monstrous behavior of most of the horde races (the Tauren being exempt from this).

Leave my blue people the fuck alone. Im tired of the bullcrap they deal with. 

(Sources are all taken from the 2nd Warcraft Chronicle: section on the fall of Draenor as well as WoWpedia)

[firelxdykatara]

Day 2: Hidden Identities

So this is a day late, but hopefully not a dollar short! (lol kill me my jokes suck) ANYWAY, this is for Day 2 of @thirtydaysofzutara and was heavily inspired by @artcraawl‘s amazing Zutara Mulan AU pictures. Some of it is directly from the movie, some is embellished, anyway I hope it’s a fun read, as I certainly had fun writing it!

---

“I don’t know if I can do this, Tui.”

Katara gave one more half-hearted tug, but her father’s sword remained stubbornly embedded in the tree’s trunk. With a sigh, she flopped to the ground, thumping her fists against the hard-packed soil in frustration. Her companion, a silver dragon-lizard with impossibly black eyes, scurried up the tree and perched on the flat of the blade, tugging gently, but to no avail. “It’ll come out! You just have- to be- persistent!”

With a final tug, the lizard slipped from the blade and fell to the ground. Katara pushed herself up on her elbows with a groan. “I’ve been persistent! It’s not working! I haven’t even been able to get that stupid arrow out of the pole.”

“No one else has, either,” Tui pointed out, curling her tail over her shoulder and rubbing a spot of dirt from her scales.

“That’s not the point.” Katara sat up and pushed herself to her feet.  “They belong here. They don’t have to prove anything.”

“Neither do you, as far as they know.”

“Sure, and what happens when they find-”

“Who are you talking to, Tak?”

Katara froze. Tui scampered into the bushes with an alarmed squeak, and the moment stretched uncomfortably, as the woman tried desperately to convince herself that voice belonged to someone—anyone­—else. It didn’t work; she was pretty sure she could feel his amber gaze burning holes into her back.

He had the disconcerting ability to make her feel like he could see right through her façade—through the warrior she was trying to be, to the scared, homesick girl beneath.

Time sped up again, and Katara turned to look at Zuko, who was standing behind her with his arms crossed and one eyebrow raised.

“Uh…” she began, before realizing her voice was pitched too high, coughing to cover it up. “No one! I’m just, talking to… myself…” She trailed off, rubbing the back of her neck with one hand (mostly to hide the fact that she kept reaching for a lock of hair that just wasn’t there anymore). Her eyes slid to her sword, still sunk into the tree trunk, about the same time Zuko’s did. Disapproval radiated from his lithe form in waves, and Katara had to fight back the nervous laughter that kept threatening to bubble up.

“Oh, this is… I was just training…” she said, grabbing the hilt tightly in both hands. It still refused to move, and she braced herself with one foot on the trunk. Finally, with an almighty yank, the sword came free, and the momentum sent her careening off-balance.

Zuko ducked just in time—the blade passed a hair’s breadth over his head.

“Oops,” Katara muttered, giving a weak chuckle as she clumsily shoved her sword back into its sheath. “Cut it a little close there-” Spirits, Katara, stop talking.

The captain looked less than impressed as he straightened back up, looking at her with some emotion in his eyes that she couldn’t quite describe. Then he sighed, shaking his head. “Pack up.”

Something churned unpleasantly in the pit of her stomach. “What?”

“Go home. You’re through here, Tak. I’ve tried my best, but you just aren’t suited for war—not in my company. And if you’re the best that Chief Hakoda could send in his own stead-” He broke off, squaring his shoulders. “You’d be more of a danger to your own comrades than the Fire Nation soldiers. And I won’t have good men, even you, needlessly killed because they weren’t ready.”

Katara watched as he walked away, trying very hard to keep from noticing the way his muscles had tensed (probably from anger) beneath the thin padding of his training vest. “He’s right. I know he is. But…”

Tui poked her head out of the bushes. “But you want to prove him wrong.”

A wry grimace twisted at her mouth. “I was too willful and stubborn to make a good wife, remember? It must be good for something.”

“So what are you going to do?”

The sun had set, the last of its amber glow receding from the skyline just as the full moon began to peek through the clouds. “I don’t know…” Katara murmured, gazing up at the sky—she traced the moonbeams with her eyes, until she caught one that illuminated the arrow still stuck at the top of that tall, wooden beam.

She could have had it down weeks ago, if she’d wanted to risk waterbending—but it was supposed to be a physical exercise. For all that she was at a disadvantage compared to the rest of the company (not that anyone but Sokka realized it), the last thing she wanted to do was prove herself by cheating. But there had to be some way to get to that arrow. And maybe, if she got it down herself…

 Hours later, the only thing preventing her from screaming in frustration was the fact that Zuko’s tent was only ten feet away. “Come on,” she grunted, taking another running jump at the pole—and, as before, she made it a few feet before falling to the ground in an ungainly heap.

She might have had a better chance at getting higher, if not to the top, if it weren’t for the weights at her wrists. Katara picked herself up for the thousandth time, dropping the weights and dusting herself off. (It was a good thing her family didn’t seem to have the ‘quitter’ gene, or she might have contemplated just leaving, like she’d been told.) She couldn’t help the nagging feeling that there was something about this exercise that was missing, that she just didn’t understand. She picked up the weights again, holding them in front of her, inspecting the etchings in the gold. It was an ancient form of Earth Kingdom script, and she could only make out a few letters.

Somehow, she doubted anyone had carved a cheat sheet onto these things a thousand years ago, anyway.

But as the weights swayed gently on their leather ties, something occurred to her—it was so simple she could almost kick herself for not thinking of it sooner. It was so obvious. It wasn’t just about having to struggle against the weight. It was about discipline and strength—using them to her advantage.

Squaring her shoulders, Katara faced the pole again—this time, when she jumped, she swung the weights, tangling the leather ties together, and she began to climb.

Halfway up, she almost wanted to let go, forget the whole thing. Her arms were screaming in protest, and she kept slipping even as she gained inches in height—sweat was streaming down her face in small rivers, and she could feel her tunic sticking to her back. The cotton binding around her breasts was beginning to itch something fierce. But she had already gotten too far to quit, and so she kept going—gaining inches and losing centimeters, until she could see the top of the pole. She could almost reach out and grab that arrow.

The sun began to peek over the horizon once more, and Katara gasped for breath, her muscles screaming in agony as she grabbed the top of the pole and finally pulled herself up. It was a deceptively wide beam of wood, in fact, and easy enough to perch on was she grabbed the arrow in one tender hand and pulled it free.

It was only when the cheering began that she realized she’d drawn a crowd.

A tired grin crossed her face, and she subtley bent some of her sweat, coating the arrow-head with a thin layer of ice. Just as Zuko’s tent flap opened, she threw the arrow down—it landed with impressive accuracy, thudding into the ground at his feet as he stepped out. He looked up at her, and while it was difficult to tell from how far away she was, Katara almost thought he looked proud.

 ---

 “I’m sorry. About your uncle.” Katara winced inwardly—she kept forgetting to pitch her voice low enough, but Zuko didn’t seem to notice. He was staring at the fire; if he’d heard a word she said, he didn’t indicate it. Which was almost a relief—she wasn’t sure she’d be able to get into a conversation about lost loved ones and not accidentally blow her own cover.

Sokka had been helping as much as he dared, once he’d realized her plan, but there was only so much he could do to keep her from ruining everything with her ‘stupid girly habits’.

Apparently, talking about feelings qualified.

Either way, Zuko clearly wasn’t in the mood for company. Katara turned to go—if she hadn’t already become so tuned to the tenor of his voice, for reasons she couldn’t even begin to explain, she might have missed it entirely when he said, “Thank you, Tak.”

She stopped, glancing back at him—he was giving her at least an attempt at a smile, and it suddenly struck her how very young he looked. Especially for a captain.

He really couldn’t have been more than a couple years older than she was, and it was hard enough for her to manage to keep her own life straight—she couldn’t imagine what it was like trying to lead an entire company.

She opened her mouth to say something else—she wasn’t quite sure what, but since when had thinking ever stopped her from blurting out what was on her mind?—when she heard the screech of a bird of prey high in the sky above them. It sounded familiar, almost… almost like…

She was six years old, and the snow had turned grey from falling ash. Buildings burned, people were screaming and running away, bursts of fire from soldiers in the streets kept illuminating the overcast sky, and Katara couldn’t find her parents.

“Mama!” she shouted, tears streaking through the soot stains on her face, running towards her house. Everything was chaos, but she still knew home. Somewhere, high in the sky, a fire hawk screamed—the little girl could see it circling over her family’s hut, an omen she couldn’t quite comprehend.

When she opened the door, the smell of charred flesh nearly knocked her off her feet. It was-

“The Fire Nation!” Katara heard herself shouting, those last images from her memory still superimposed over her vision, the smell sticking to her all these years later. She wanted to gag, but there was no time. “They’re here! They-“

An arrow whistled through the air and into Zuko’s shoulder as he stood, knocking him flat.

“Zuko!” Katara rushed to his side as more arrows floated into view just over the snowy hilltop—he waved her off, pulling the arrow free with a grunt and clambering to his feet.

“Everyone, get out of their range! Grab the cannons!”

It was pure chaos, after that. Zuko’s company scattered—they grabbed armloads of cannons and their weapons and ran, forcing the Fire Nation soldiers to abandon their high ground advantage if they wanted to do any real damage. Out of range of the arrows was also out of range of their firebenders, and it took everything Katara had not to panic and freeze.

“Sokka!” The relief nearly knocked her over, but she held her ground, grabbing for her brother’s hand and yanking him out of the way of another arrow barrage. “Where’s Zuko? Is he-”

“He’s fine! We need to set up these canons, Tak. Now!”

Their answering barrage sent shockwaves rippling through the ground—when they were down to the last cannon, Zuko appeared behind them. “Hold- we don’t know who’s left. If…”

He trailed off. The smoke cleared, and revealed the bulk of the Fire Nation army still intact on the hillside.

Ozai was at the army’s head. Katara could feel his smug smirk from here.

“Sokka, take that last canon. Hit Ozai, if it’s the last thing you do!” Zuko commanded. “Men- prepare for a fight!”

Katara’s hand went to her sword hilt, but something was still bothering her. Taking out Ozai wouldn’t decimate the Fire Nations forces—they’d keep coming, they’d kill everyone. How many more villages would suffer the way Omashu had? The way her tribe had? The way-

She caught sight of the snow-covered mountain just behind them. They weren’t going to have time to retreat back through the mountain passes to safety, but maybe, if she could only just… She reached, but nothing. Practicing her bending in secret had only gotten her so far, and that snow was too far off. But…

“Give me that!” She pushed Sokka aside and grabbed the cannon. It would work. It had to.

 ---

 Katara was beginning to lose feeling in her arms. She hadn’t realized Ozai’s blade had cut that deep, but now Koda’s saddle was soaked in her blood, and she had barely been able to muster the strength to grab Zuko and pull him to safety.

The avalanche had stilled, snow wiping the last traces of the Fire Nation army away, and Katara finally slid from her horse’s back, stumbling to her knees. Zuko had regained consciousness, and he rushed to her side. “Tak! Are you alright?”

She gripped his arm and pulled herself upright, nodding weakly. “I’m fine, is everyone else-”

“We made it, Tak,” Toph said, affectionately thumping her shoulder. “Thanks to you. That was brilliant.”

The others chimed in, and Katara smiled, for just a moment. And then she collapsed.

When she opened her eyes, she recognized the colors of the medical tent above her cot. For a moment, Katara was dazed, confused—how had she gotten here? Where were Zuko, Sokka and the others? How-

Her clothing had been removed. The breast binding wraps were visible, overlapping the bandages around her abdomen. The doctor was looking at her, perhaps to be sure she was truly awake, but when she opened her mouth to speak, he turned away and left the tent.

Katara sat up quickly, wincing at the tight feeling of the wound in her stomach, wanting to protest—but then Zuko stepped inside, and the words died in her throat.

It was then that she realized her hair was loose—the thick, dark brown waves that just brushed against her shoulders were much more visibly feminine now that she no longer wore them in her father’s hairstyle, and the breast wraps had only been effective at hiding her figure when covered by padding and armour. Now, she felt her cheeks burn as Zuko’s eyes followed her figure, and realized the truth of what the doctor had obviously told him.

“So it’s true,” came Long Feng’s voice as he entered the tent behind Zuko. Where the latter’s gaze was completely unreadable, Long Feng didn’t bother to disguise his disgust. He surged forward, grabbing Katara by the arm and dragging her out of the tent, throwing her into the snow with just her blanket for cover. She fell to her knees before the rest of the company, tears of humiliation freezing to her lashes before they even had a chance to fall.

“A woman,” Long Feng hissed. “A despicable traitor to our great kingdom!”

Toph and Aang stared in shock. Sokka started forward, but Katara shook her head. It was too late for her, but she would not let her brother take the fall, too. “My name is Katara. I only came here to save my father-”

“More lies!” Long Feng insisted, turning to glare at her as Zuko approached. “Devious snake!”

“I never meant for it to go this far!” Her eyes met Zuko’s, and she pleaded with him silently. Please understand. “You have to believe me! I only wanted-”

“Silence!” Long Feng shouted.

Sokka ran forward. “Wait! You can’t do this—she’s my sister!”

“Sokka, no!”

But the damage was done. “You knew about her deception?” Long Feng was practically quivering with rage. “Stand aside, boy, or you will share in this traitor’s fate!”

“Sokka, please-”

He refused to budge. Katara could still see Zuko, staring at the both of them now, sword in hand. He took a step forward, and several gasps ran through the company—Toph and Aang looked ready to rush to their defense, but Long Feng threw his arm out and stopped them. “You know the law!”

For just a moment, Katara met Zuko’s eyes, and thought she saw something flickering in their depths. Something other than anger or disgust. Something warm.

Then it was gone, and Zuko threw his sword to the ground. “A life for a life,” he said, staring down at her. “My debt to you is ended.” Finally, as if only now realizing he was there, Zuko looked at Sokka. “Take her home. Don’t bother coming back.”

He turned on his heel—Long Feng made a noise, as if he were about to protest, but Zuko turned on him with a glower that could’ve melted steel. The advisor finally cowed into silence, he turned to the rest of his men and motioned for them to move out.

 ---

 “You trusted Tak. Why is Katara any different?”

“You stole my victory.” “No! I did!” “… The soldier from the mountain!”

“She’s a woman, and from the water tribes! She’s not worth protecting!”

“I have heard all about you, Katara of the Water Tribes. You followed your brother off to war—stole your father’s armour and ran away from home. You impersonated a soldier, deceived your commanding officer, dishonored the Earth Kingdom, and… you have saved us all.”

 It was… surreal. That was the only way Katara could describe the feeling that overtook her, when she realized that not only was the Earth King bowing, but so was the entirety of Ba Sing Se. As far as the eye could see, citizens were stooping low, and it was all but impossible to believe they were honoring her.

Even Zuko was bowing—even her brother. She wanted to tell them all to stand up, that she really hadn’t done anything that extraordinary, but she didn’t want to risk losing the King’s good faith. The moment eventually passed, anyway, and Katara turned to find the Earth King smiling warmly at her.

“I would be honored if you would accept a seat on my council, Katara,” he said—Long Feng looked like he was about to faint.

“B- but sir, you can’t just- there are no positions open!”

“Alright. You can have his job.”

This time, he did faint. Katara had to smother a chuckle before taking a deep breath and shaking her head. “You honor me, your majesty, but… I think it’s time for me to go home.”

He nodded, as if he’d expected nothing less of her.

The Earth King gave her his medallion and Ozai’s sword, and when Katara finally turned to go, she very nearly ran right into Zuko. “Oh! Zuko, I-”

“Katara-” he began, at the same time. They both broke off; Katara bit her lip, waiting for him to continue. He cleared his throat. “I, uh- you fight good. Well! Proficiently, you- you’re an excellent soldier.”

Their eyes met, but Katara was the first to look away, this time. “Oh. Thank you, Zuko. For everything.” And then she left, finding Koda and pulling herself into his saddle to begin the long journey home.

“You don’t meet a girl like that every dynasty,” the Earth King declared—sounding very much like he was calling Zuko an idiot.

 “Would you like to stay for dinner?” From a distance, Katara could hear Grandma Kanna’s voice, “Would you like to stay forever?!” Zuko laughed. “Dinner would be great.”

[mecrummles]

Let me go through a quick list of my big negatives there was the time as a little kid I couldn't have been older than 3 or 4 at the time but I remember that I'd liked to put things in my mouth all the time so I would put a coin because it was there once itd gotten lodged into my throat and I was suffocating. I remember my big bro hitting me in the gut so I could spit that out.

After that was being made to move so I just remember the drive away from home and just feeling so incredibly sad and like I'd always have to leave people who were really important to me. It's because to me I guess leaving the home near the little kid me's both best friend and crush left me with cripplingly large issues that I could never hold onto a friend which left me superimposing my childhood friend for years onto others.

After that is the years of family life as being a quiet kid made me more an introvert and the anger issues my family had so I'd often become annoyed by younger siblings being bleh at me and antagonizing me so afterwards when my other bro "disciplining" me for trying to keep to myself and retaliating to make them stop of course even with the anger I had the same two sisters would corroborate that I was the nicest of them and generally the most sensitive

Of course the same brother that disciplined me was the one whom also left a bad deep seated memory that well was a cold gross limp well thing rubbing on my butt as a kid. While I do not think it went further it was still enough to leave a deep seated memory that is not pleasant.

To pile further onto the abandonment stuff is apparently bullying as a kid through those ages as well as my one big thing I relied on as a kid my brother going off to the military to get away from our mother. Which was a good thing for him but to me he was my one big support line.

Of course I had no further issues with the other brother since he'd gotten involved with a gang and got sent to prison for a very long time for way longer than he'd realistically deserved.

He also of course is a victim to the family circumstances we had due to our mother not quite well being the best one but of course she in her own way was doing what she thought was right. Not that that excuses the harm she had and has been doing since then.

Beyond those is just general anxieties caused by well being me not wishing to explore my own emotions and express them due to a fear of seeming weak as well as just afraid that I'd lose the things I care about. Which well my fears have actually caused to happen.

A story about what had happened to my ex was a case of abuse where my best friend growing up and until recently taking advantage of her and the way kids can be, which of course led to me just being unable to do anything and not wanting to believe my friend could be such a person. I didnt do anything and even worse thought I could mediate and just let things be, I thought maybe the man whom had been at my side through thick and thin as my closest friend. Just couldn't do such a thing.

So I basically betrayed her I through fear of losing everything acted in a way that DID lose me everything I cared about.

Here I am hurting that I could let myself do such a thing hurting that I betrayed someone I care about very much. That such a similar thing had been carried out by someone I would have trusted with my life. Whose kid I've seen come into the world and be such a wonder to behold.

And that someone I could trust like that I never let myself think of the harms hes done and thought to defend actions because I was afraid of losing what I had.

She's moved on she's in a good spot and I'm glad. I am once again stuck in a position where I'm loving someone dearly that doesn't have such a feeling for me. Time and time again this has happened but. This is the last time for me. I love this much deeper than anything else.

I know there may be many yet who I could love deeply close to this. I however do not want that. I wont let someone be number 2 to another no one deserves that. I would hate it if someone else had someone they loved more than me and they couldn't get them out of their heart.

I wish for her happiness more than anything. Even if not by my side as long as she can spend her time happily while moving forward it'll be enough.

And me I'll be true to my heart and love the things I can love with the depth as I feel. I wont love like that again I hope, but I wish to be better and even if just a little give someone out there joy and the strength they need to move forward. Even if its just the smallest part of my story I can convey to them.