#they certainly dont care when they disregard someone elses??

[nebulo-philiac]

Omw to send this to every censorshipper on my posts

[haemosexuality]

i went insane rambling on the tags of this post about princess bubblegum and ran out of space so i copy pasted it here so i could finish writing. under read more bc idk

tbf i dont think i would say pb is like... Good. well actually. wait. im gonna go on a rant.

i think it depends on how we classify ''good''. what makes someone a good person? what makes someone evil? thoughts or actions‚ past or present‚ etc. i honestly dont think i can firmly say bubblegum is either good or evil. shes one of the few truly morally grey characters ive seen. like

no matter what you think makes someone good or bad she has most certainly been bad in every single way. and also good in every single way. hm.

. she is not a naturally empathetic person. thats not to say she doesnt care about people‚ she does‚ and sometimes those feelings influence her actions a Lot even if she doesnt realize it. but also‚ even when it comes to those she cares about‚ emotional empathy is a struggle. shes the definition of thoughts over feelings 100% scientific brain facts and logic. she is Very egoistical‚ she likes being in control and having power over people (not bc shes power hungry per se but bc thats the best way to keep control over others. shes Logical. and if she has control than nothing can go wrong)‚ she likes not being questioned and she did and still does often disregard other peoples rights and privacy to get what she wants and to be on top/have control over them. she does care‚ about a bunch of different things in a bunch of different ways‚ but caring about someone/multiple ppl and naturally feeling empathy are different things. she needs to make an effort to take other peoples feelings into consideration‚ and while not feeling empathy and etc obviously has absolutely NOTHING to do with morality‚ the thing about pb is that most of the time she does not make that effort‚ and actively does things that hurt other people for her own gain‚ or for Science™ or the Kingdom™. she doesn't care ab how other people feel or their privacy and she does like government crimes and mass murders and a surveillance state about it. she cares deeply about her people for example‚ but not really them as individuals‚ shown when she likes fucking kills them or put cameras on their bodies etc. shes more worried about them surviving than their autonomy. she cares about finn‚ but specially at the beginning she treats him more as an asset than anything‚ and does shit like implant a gps on him without him knowing. and while shes Always liked control and been all logical alpha brain and shit‚ and struggled with sympathy‚ she used to care a lot lot more. or better, she used to Allow herself to care and to love and to feel‚ she build herself a family because she felt lonely and she loved marceline deeply. but like the post and the show said she kept being hurt and she needed to protect an entire kingdom alone‚ which meant repressing all that to fucking hell and back. so she slowly just build up and let her ''no sympathy no feelings only Facts And Science'' side rule until she forgot anything else

and thats how we meet bubblegum in the show: manipulative and head of a dictatorship and with no one she truly cared about close to her, doing awful awful things and not taking time to remember about others. what are morals. being just so very fucked up

like

your thoughts and brain and whatever do not make you evil. your actions do. but her actions are terrible and she does the things she does bc sympathy and caring do not come naturally for her, but being waaay to super mega smart and wanting control Do and she has hardened and isolated herself enough that she has no one to like, pull her out of that. keep her in check. remind her to make an effort to consider other people.

in the show, we see her begin to try and be good again. by letting other people in, by letting herself feel, letting herself be a Person outside of being a Princess and a Ruler and a Scientist, she begins to make that effort again. and bc shes like a war criminal that comes not only in the form of apologizing for those who are or were close to her and she was awful too, but also destroying the surveillance system and stop spying on people. she tries to begin having good actions. she realizes what she had been doing, and feels guilty about it (for... probably the first time honestly. she was very indifferent about it before. everything she did was the most logical thing to do, after all.) i say shes still firmly morally grey tho bc while shes no longer like Evil, she still. goes back to spying on people and etc. shes still Like That, just toned down. all that show that while shes getting Better shes still not good, and probably will never be, because thats just how she is. crazy scientist manipulative pink candy princess. shes the best

she was also never truly evil tho bc even at her worse her actions were not to cause harm! Most Of The Time! and when they were to cause harm it wasnt just bc she was idk a sadist or something, it was with a goal (usually the neutral goal of Science or the good goal of protecting her people) in mind! Theyre still not excusable tho bc they did cause harm! a lot! to a bunch of different people! and like she does care a lot she loves marceline she loves finn she loves netty and she loved shoko but she just doesnt KNOW how to love people and all of those feelings are like behind a brick wall in her brain so she just tries to science everything out and it doesnt always work. like ARGH such a good character. such a good morally grey character. i ❤ bubblegum. i love watching the show and flinching at all the terrible shit she does and being like jesus christ bubblegum what the fuck

anyways here are more good pb analysis

xxxxx

i want to keep ADDING THINGS but this is huge so im just gonna reblog a bunch of posts ab her now goodbye

[nineliabilityrisk]

❝ I'm sure it's nothing you can't handle! ❞ ( for mike, from quinn / @ladyseidr )

" i'm sure it's nothing you can't handle ! "

[[ oh this is gonna be Such a dynamic im already so excited for this. also i dont Care if timelines dont line up or whatever i just found the concept of them being Regular Fucking Coworkers at the fnaf 1 location too funny to pass up. ]]

-- [ asked by @ladyseidr ] --

"You know the fact that you even have to say that makes me less likely to believe you, right?"

Really, in all fairness, Michael had absolutely no right to be as thoroughly ticked off as he was at the moment. Quinn had done nothing wrong — he was just annoyed about the fact that someone else was trying to coach him in his job here, at his own father's company. Every little bit of assistance or instruction felt condescending. It wasn't, of course, Quinn was just trying to help, to get him situated properly during his first few shifts, but, God, he knew all of this already. Could probably take one of these bots apart and put them back together in his sleep at this point — at least, he'd like to think so. Okay, maybe he wasn't that familiar with the intricacies of his position, but, Hell, he'd quite literally grown up alongside these things. With how obsessed his father was with these creations of his, they'd seemed as much a part of their family as he and his siblings had, at times. There was no other explanation for it — why else would his father prioritize them so far above him if that wasn't the case?

Elbows propped up on his desk, he covered his face with his hands for a moment before sliding them down to support his chin. Letting out a shaky breath. Needed to control his temper — this minor irritation was both entirely inconsequential and entirely not Quinn's fault, not to mention unproductive. He needed to get himself under control. Snapping at his instructor wasn't going to help anyone.

He could probably blame his lack of patience on his current state of sleep deprivation — which, obviously, was more common than not, nowadays, unwilling as he was to put himself through his constant nightmares just for a few useless hours of rest — his mind felt raw, overworked ... it was no wonder he was having trouble keeping it together with the throbbing ache that had made itself at home behind his eyes.

"Look — they're just robots." Freaky robots, yes, robots that he'd never wanted to set foot near ever again after what had happened when he was younger, but they were just robots nonetheless. "I don't care about them– about what goes on out there. That's not part of my job — I'm just supposed to be here in my office. Keeping an eye on things. So why, exactly, do I need to know how they work? They're all the way out there. Where I don't have to worry about them." A pause, uneasy silence — eventually he had to turn to see the employee standing behind his chair. "Why are you looking at me like that?" he asked, voice very much level and calm and not at all worried. Certainly not. "They are going to stay all the way out there, right?" The question would sound paranoid in just about any other situation, but, of course, this was the only one where his fears might actually be founded — unbeknownst to him, of course.

He was in way over his head, and yet he was exactly where he was supposed to be. It wasn't like he'd expected this job to be smooth sailing, what with his history with the company, but he'd known he was uniquely suited for the role. Applied, took the offer out of a sense of duty, of necessity — not because he wanted to be there or anything. No, he wanted to be as far away from this place as possible, but he was used to what he wanted being entirely disregarded at this point, so why would he even bother giving his own opinion any weight?

"Please tell me they're gonna be staying out there. The bots aren't the part you thought I could 'handle,' right? Please tell me you meant something else." Oh, Michael. You never should've taken the job.

[trashytoastboi]

Heloo~ I saw ur event and cant help but ask for an au☺️

I would like to request a jujutsu kaisen scenario

Toji💞=alpha

Inumaki🥺=omega

Alpha femle reader🕶👀

16.bonding(NSFW)

(Where 3 of them meet for the first time and have an unusual yet beautiful connection but the 2 alphas fight for the omega first .ofc all of them r hardcore and dont hold back 😳)

Btw congrats on 1000 followers hope ur page grows even bigger 💫💫💫💫☺️☺️✌ p.s u have a new follower🥰

Heyya!🍀 Thank you so much for saying so! I'm honestly still so surprised at how big my page grew and that its still growing 🙈🥺 and hope you enjoy,~

(Female Pronouns)

1000 Follower Event!

NSFW Scenario: ABO AU! Alpha! Toji x Omega! Inumaki x F! Alpha! Reader – 16. Bonding (NSFW)

Warning: NSFW (ABO/Omegaverse Dynamics, threesome, oral, riding, missionary, teasing, overstimulation, power dynamics, biting, mentions of blood)

Word Count: 3, 474

♠️Alpha!Fushiguro Toji♠️ & 📢Omega!Toge Inumaki📢

“How else do single alpha's spend their Saturday evenings?” {Name} posed the question to the bartender as he stood mixing her drink and he quipped “Sitting at a bar apparently.” {Name} laughed and softly clapped her hands together “Correct answer” she thanks him when the drink is placed down in front of her. {Name} takes a sip and surveys her surroundings, trying to spot something or someone to perhaps make the evening a little more fascinating. Her eyes suddenly land on someone that catches her attention, a young man sitting alone in the corner with a large collar covering some of his face. {Name} downs the rest of her drink deciding he would surely be more than able to provide a bit of entertainment for the evening. As she approaches; her attention is diverted by the feeling of someone's eyes on her and sure enough there is another alpha, no doubt who also shared interest in the young man but {Name} was the one to make the pre-emptive move. Her eyes meet the gaze of a black haired man that has an intense presence. Another alpha that clearly was here for the same reason as her. Toji didn't mind that he was encroaching, he did not care but at the very least was polite enough to play it off. {Name} and Toji stood across from each other in front of the table. Toji stood aside, the first instance is to disregard each other's presence and in fact it was {Name} that took the plunge to speak to Inumaki.

Inumaki looked up to see two alpha's approaching him, of course with one now decidedly hanging back while {Name} had taken the honours upon herself to give some form of greeting, his eyes shifted to Toji who stood outside of the interaction, but considering how forthcoming and friendly {Name} seemed, Inumaki felt a little more inclined to her, it was certainly a calming and kind aura that had him settling into the pace of the conversation. And he had opted to remain silent, only nodding in response until he finally replied with “Kelp.” It had {Name} taken aback, and being a stranger to the young man. It was understandable that she had yet to understand his circumstances or the fact that besides a very few select words, in everyday conversation he would be relatively silent. Inumaki looked slightly nervous seeing her reaction, {Name} could infer that something may have been the reason and smiled gently as a sign of reassurance, sliding into the seat at his table. {Name} flashed a quick glance towards Toji who seemed to tilt his head and smile at the little interaction, it was cute and yet he seemed to be enjoying the challenge she poses him. Toji ambled over, it took a little assessing before he decided it was something worth pursuing, he stood at the table and greeted Inumaki who showed no visible signs of discomfort and was rather entertaining the alpha. He took a seat, instantly leaning back and making himself at home in the chair. “Pleasure to meet you, I'm Toji” he mused, offering no surname and adding to his mysterious act that he was trying to put on. Besides surnames weren't needed for the kind of things he had in mind anyway. Following suit {Name} provided her name with a charming smile and playing friendly with the new alpha that had joined them. Inumaki traced his name on the table capturing the attention of both alphas as they read it. {Name} complimented his name and despite no change in his demeanour he was feeling a little bashful admittedly. Toji kept watching everything before him, eyes gaining a hint of annoyance every time he saw {Name}, her sickly sweet smiles that were directed at him did not help either. Though the tension finally settled when {Name} relented to his presence being there. Seeing that Inumaki wasn't feeling one way or another about being joined by Toji, he wasn't perturbed and actually felt oddly pleasant to be around the two. Despite the initial annoyance, Toji and {Name} found some form of chemistry amongst themselves, not that either would care to admit it, soon enough the three were flirtatious, prone to some interesting quips and witty banter amongst themselves.

A flurry of messed kisses placed anywhere they could find, following by tugging at their clothes but too focused on kissing to care right now. Left partially undressed and admiring the trail of clothing that led to the bedroom, Inumaki bit his lip and held back a moan behind the guise of his elongated collar. {Name} smiled running her hands down his body to feel him tremble at her touch. Seeing how sensitive Inumaki is only seemed to stoke {Name} with even more excitement than she already had. Her hand slipped into his shirt, sliding further up and resting on the fair skin, exploring more of his body, dragging her fingers down to see where Inumaki would respond to being touched. Her exploration interrupted when Toji pulls Inumaki out of her grasp and close to him, he proceeds to pull the collar down showing Inumaki's face, a calloused hand grabbing his jaw and placing a rough kiss against his lips, Toji forces his tongue into Inumaki's mouth. Catching the poor omega off guard and for the first time they saw the beautiful sight of a very flustered and bashful Inumaki whose face had taken on an evident red hue and suddenly felt the violent hit of both alphas pheromones. {Name} clicked her tongue at the sight, watching Toji pull away from the heated kiss and lick his lips. Inumaki turned to her, dazed and eyes filled with salacious intentions. His eyes seemed to be begging for something, {Name} leaned in hovering her lips above his own, hearing him whimper slightly at how close she was without doing anything. Before pressing to her lips into his and taking the approach of something slow, yet intense. Toji came closer and knowing from the last time she put her hand on his chest to stop him. Pulling away from the kiss “I'm sure you're capable of sharing big boy.” {Name} stipulated with a devious smile that reflects on Toji's face. Given everything she has seen thus far she can tell Toji is the type of the alpha who wants to stand above, in every situation. Especially situations like this, usually {Name} would put up more of a fight and pose a challenge, though it diverts attention from Inumaki. Who is her main concern right now, for once she had decided to somewhat relinquish control to Toji.

He could sense it, the slight shift in her abrasive attitude towards him now opting not for submission but rather willingness to be more compliant. Toji felt himself smile, the amusement was evident and eventually he wanted to see what {Name} could be like when she kept all of her feisty wiles and wits in all it's glory. But snapping back to the present, they lay their eyes on Inumaki, pushing him towards the bed and down as his back hits the mattress eliciting a small moan. {Name} was the first to pounce, slowly skulking up his body, her hand following and sliding up his shirt off his body, and exposing the newly unexplored territory, {Name} kisses his chest, tracing hands down his figure “I should get you something to wear under here” she muses, pecking Inumaki's lips, trailing searing kisses to his jaw, down his neck and catching the full extent of the sweet, alluring scent Inumaki let off. Toji's hands make their way to Inumaki's hips, making quick work of his pants, and soon enough Inumaki found himself bare in front of the two starving alpha's. Toji grazed his teeth along the other side of Inumaki's neck, his rough hands dragging over his body almost as if studying every curve and crevice, learning all the places that could get a reaction out of him. Toji dug his fingers into Inumaki's thigh, sure enough leaving bruises and spreading his legs, wasting no time to kiss his hip, rubbing circles with his thumb as he teased Inumaki. “Looks like just a little bit of kissing got you this hard” Toji leers, teasing Inumaki's cock with his fingers causing him to whimper. The man smirks and chuckles at the reaction before taking the omega's cock into his mouth, setting a rough pace off the bat and making Inumaki cry out at how sudden and harsh he was being. {Name} continues to coo praises in his ear, running her fingers through his hair before slipping away and to Toji. Her fingers hook into his pants, earning a glance from Toji who growls in warning, the vibration causing Inumaki to bite his hand to stifle the loud moan. Toji temporarily ceases his actions to question {Name} “The fuck are you doing?” he hisses, {Name} bats her eyes at him “Don't look at me like that, just didn't want you to feel neglected~” she mused, intentions clearing the murky tension from the two of them as Toji chortled “So you can be nice.”

{Name} rolls her eyes at his statement, running her tongue along his aching cock, listening to the low grumble of approval escape his throat as his attention diverts back to Inumaki who was taking the opportunity to attempt to catch his breath from the rushed onslaught of pleasure the two had been giving him none stop since their 'festivities' started. {Name} pressed a kiss to the tip of Toji's cock before taking him into her mouth, she didn't need to know him to know he was the impatient kind, the moment he felt that warm wetness of her mouth, his hand tangled in her hair and set the pace he wanted. That tightening feeling settled in Inumaki's stomach, Toji lightly grazing his teeth along Inumaki's already sensitive cock, the way his free hand possessively grabbed him and held him in place, preventing Inumaki from shifting away. The tension grew more intense as Inumaki began tapping Toji's shoulder trying to get him to stop. Toji looked up, his eyes said it all... Inumaki's head flew back as his restrained moans cried out at the feeling, his body shuddering and trembling as he came in Toji's mouth. Toji licks his lips muttering something under his breath, enjoying the sight and sound of Inumaki been reduced to a whimpering mess underneath him. Toji places a quick kiss to his thigh, muttering “Good boy” softly.

Inumaki looked at him, opening his mouth and uttering one word “Kiss.”, Toji and {Name} look at him, a little surprised by his words, thinking he was asking for a kiss. A strange compulsion overtakes the two alpha's as the hand in {Name's} hair lifts her and Toji smashes his lips against hers, kissing her roughly and it was just the little push needed that had them kissing each other madly, fighting for dominance with their tongues, {Name} catches his lip between her teeth and bites; earning a hiss from Toji and pulling away to catch their breaths. {Name} tilts her head and beams at her handy work as Toji uses his thumb to wipe the blood from the corner of his mouth, bringing his thumb to his mouth to lick away the red liquid and humming at her actions. “That was quite something.” {Name} muses turning her attention back to Inumaki who was entranced at the sight “Though, I'd love to go at it with you. I don't want to ignore this beautiful boy any longer” she states, moving closer to Inumaki, unaware that Toji kept watching her, his initial impression now completely skewed and curiosity over {Name} seemed to pique his interest. One thing Toji knew for certain...Inumaki is not the only one he wanted to devour.

{Name} slowly crawled up his needy body, leaving a trail of butterfly kisses to further edge him into that mindset of bliss, travelling up to Inumaki's neck and suckling the tender flesh, leaving her mark on him. She smiles, it is the first mark of many to come this evening. Her fingers lightly dance on his hips, grazing down and slowly pushing a single digit into him, a high pitched whine escapes his throat at the delectable pressure. {Name} bites her lip watching how he unravels underneath her with nothing more than her fingers. While watching the scene before him unfold, Toji refuses to be left out of the action, wrapping his hand around Inumaki's cock, determined to make him go stupid with sheer overstimulation. Inumaki was too cute not to, {Name} places her free hand over Toji's guiding him “Sometimes you need to take it slow” she instructs, her fingers brushing against Inumaki's sweet spot as his body is left trembling. {Name} continues working her fingers in and out, sliding a second digit into him, feeling Inumaki slowly adjusting and being more than eager to take what she was giving. {Name} pulls Toji's hand away and slips her fingers out, now deeming him ready for something more. Toji offers a hand helping her to her feet as their hands work equally fast to shed the remainder of clothing from each other's bodies. {Name} situated herself above Inumaki, straddling his hips, listening to those soft purrs at feeling the contact of skin on skin, Inumaki's impatience and eagerness building in tandem, wanting more. Biting her lip and giving Inumaki a little show as her breasts bounce with her mock movements, allowing only slight contact of where he really wanted to be. Inumaki looks up with such pleading eyes, silently begging her to just stop the teasing and {Name} could not say no to that face. Steadying herself, {Name} lowers herself onto his cock and listening to those groans and restrained hisses of pleasure that escape Inumaki, his hand reaching up to touch her body in a manner of affection and appreciation. “Such a good boy~” {Name} coos, circling her hips and softly nipping at his collar bone, seeing how easily his skin is to mark, how dragging her nails down his chest draws red lines that trail down, lifting herself up before sinking down, her panting breaths with the undertone of soft melodic moans entice her partners to want to hear more from her. Inumaki rocks his hips in time with the steady pace {Name} sets, hands still exploring her body freely until seized by his wrists and having his wandering hands pinned down to the bed by {Name} who roughly kisses him, now starting to feel a little more wanton and a little more heated. Toji's stands behind her, dragging his hand down her back, tracing her silhouette and giving her thigh a cheeky squeeze before setting his fingers to rub circles on her clit “Beautiful” Toji murmurs in reference to the adorable, handsome omega and the feisty alpha in front of him, {Name} weaves her hand into Toji's hair, tugging on it as a soft growl is heard from {Name}. Pulling him in closer to place open mouthed kisses along his throat before sinking her teeth into the flesh, hard enough to feel the bite but not enough to leave any evidence, after a few more kisses and nibbles, Toji pulls away to kiss the back of her neck and bite the shell of her ear “Feeling good?” he hums. Readjusting himself to settle between Inumaki's thighs. Rutting himself against Inumaki, indicating what is going to come next as his cock prods Inumaki's entrance, making him writhe and whine. A soft hand cradles Inumaki's face endearingly “Aw, baby boy, you look so cute right now.” she crooned. Toji still inches into him, groaning lowly as he feels how tight he is, watching as Inumaki bites his lip and grow teary from the pleasure. Toji wraps his arm around {Name's} waist, and his other hand on Inumaki's hip as he rocks into him, withdrawing his hips before pushing them back with a slight snap. Steadily increasing in speed and harshness, his own moans and groans softly joining the symphony of sounds.

Toji's hand slid up from her waist, grabbing {Name's} jaw and moving her closer and giving Toji access to her neck, without warning harshly sinking his teeth into her neck listening to her curse from the pain, turning her gaze to him and glaring while Toji admires his work. Then proceeding to force her body down to Inumaki's chest. Feeling Toji thrust harder, {Name} moans softly muttering under her breath about how good it feels every time Toji rocks Inumaki's body and she feels it with the way Inumaki's cock pushes into her deeper and hits a certain spot. Inumaki looks at {Name}, peppering her face with light kisses and going down to soothe the bite mark with his tongue. “You're such a sweetheart” {Name} chuckles at his actions, listening to the hushed request Inumaki passed to her... two simple words. “Mark me.”

This time was different, she was not overtaken by a strange compulsion, instead because of her own desire, {Name} was simply compelled and inclined to fulfilling his request. Leaving a much darker mark on his neck, the biggest and most evident of the evening. {Name} marking him was the catalyst, the final push to send him over the edge, watching Inumaki's hands clinging onto her while shaking and trying to catch his breath from the overpowering orgasm that left him unable to think. Just listening to all those sweet reassuring words {Name} passes, grinding her hips slowly to let him ride out his orgasm, Toji following suit and slowing his pace. The pitch of his voice goes higher at the overstimulation of Toji thrusting in and out, and {Name} riding him.

It was too much, his mind was unable to do anything but draw blanks and tear up at his sensitivity, everything leaving his mind as all Inumaki is able to concentrate on is the sheer, carnal pleasure that continuously bombards his body. Toji's hand tangles in {Name's} hair and pulls her back towards him, feeling her back collide with his chest had her gasping in surprise. Toji settles both hands on her hips, forcibly controlling her pace and making her ride harder and faster, Inumaki and {Name} instantly got louder at the unexpected action. Her release builds quickly, “You're such an asshole” she manages to choke out between her moans, snapping at Toji and seeing that cocky little smirk as Inumaki once again begins gripping the sheets, indicating he is going to cum again. Watching as the alpha riding him begins to lose her wit to the building pleasure, eyes glazed as her head hangs back, lips slightly parted. Her fingers searching for his and entwining them as she squeezes his hand and feeling the tension snap, leaving her trembling violently from the how hard the climax hit her, Inumaki hitting his high as {Name} tightened around him, forcing the two to spiral down together into sheer bliss. Toji grunts feeling his own release building, the winding knot increasingly tightening in the base of his spine before growling as he pulls out, spilling his seed over the two exhausted people beneath him.

After bringing themselves back to some coherence, the lazy untangling of limbs occur, while seeing Inumaki still occasionally trembling from the remnant aftershocks. {Name} is the first to stand, retrieving water for Toji and Inumaki as well as something to clean themselves up a bit. She throws a towel at Toji, and gently helps Inumaki sit up while tending to him, cleaning him up enough to feel a bit more comfortable. Toji cocks an eyebrow at the obvious day and night difference in the treatment, putting on an act of faux jealousy “If only you were that sweet with me” he jests, looking at {Name}. A tired smile tugs at her lips “Next time, I'll clean you up.”

Toji tilts his head “Next time you say...” his voice trails off, seeing {Name} turning her attention to Inumaki who was softly mumbling, incoherent things though she was pretty sure she could make out the word 'salmon' somewhere in there. Inumaki gestures for them, {Name} accepting the invitation for some rest, crawling into bed and dropping into the dishevelled sheets. Inumaki moves a little closer to settle and nestle into her side, {Name} runs her finger up his arm softly, a soothing action to help him settle after everything. Toji climbs next to them, placing a chaste kiss on the back of Inumaki's neck and admiring all the marks they had left on each other's bodies...One thing was for certain, once was not enough for them and this would happen again.

[detransexual]

Its always weird to me when someone talks about the effects of Testosterone on the female body and someone brings up clitoral growth as a horrible, irreversible deformity lol?? Big clits are superb yall are just cowards lmao. Like if you're gonna talk about detrimental effects at least focus on the risk of painful hypersensitivity rather the aesthetic part? Because there are people who get so sensitive that wearing underwear gets uncomfortable and/or painful. I also saw someone claim that theres a big risk T will make ur clit "dead to sensations!" with absolutely no fuckin source other than "uhhh i heard someone say it on reddit once!" which i highly doubt is a statistically relevant risk lmao.

Idk man i just think its a really shit argument if you're trying to discuss the risks of Testosterone when there's actual health complications that are not just aesthetic.

You know what else is shitty? Fear mongering rather than trying to inform people of the actual risks and the liklihood of complications, as well as the uncertainty when it comes to long term consequences.

It is REALLY disingenuous to claim shit like "you WILL get a heart attack and cancer and DIE! Its GONNA HAPPEN its just a matter of when!!" when there's no scientific basis for that claim. There is scientific evidence of an increased risk, and that risk might turn out to be higher than it currently seems to be, but there is NO fucking basis to run around telling people they're 100% going to die young from cancer or a heart attack.

There is a risk of nipple grafts failing after a masectomy, but that chance is around 2%, so claiming shit like "nipple grafts almost ALWAYS die and fall off and its disgusting and horrifying!" is just flat out lies, the same way that claiming "you'll live with horrible nerve damage and pain for the rest of your life and your scars are gonna look horrible and you'll live the rest of your life as a sad, deformed freak!!" is also so blatantly transparent. Shoutout to the very compassionate radfems who tried to convince me of that when i was a 19 year old in excruciating pain despite being high on opioids recovering from a massive surgery, definitely feminist praxis to try to scare a teenager who's already gone through the surgery ur fearmongering about.

I WANT there to be more information about the negative effects and risks of transition! But that needs to be based in reality and scientific studies rather than your own personal disgust, which is all it is when you're just desperately trying to fear monger people out of transitioning rather than actually striving for people to have the ability to make fully informed decisions, which is not possible right now due to a lack of long term studies, but it certainly isnt helped by your personal moral panic.

This is a big part of why i dont give a shit what most radfems think/say about transition. Unless you have been through a transition yourself or work with detransitioners or do research about it i simply do not trust you to actually have the best interests of transitioners OR detransitioners at heart.

Stop with the fucking "oh woe is her she poisoned her feminine body with the evil hormones that are gonna give her cancer and heart disease at 27 and her nipples are gonna fall off and she's oh so tragically broken and repulsive and she's gonna die alone and in pain, wont someone stop this corruption of those naive and pitiful girls! A woman with an elarged clitoris? Excessive body hair? A deep voice? No breasts?? How REPULSIVE!" narrative lmao, you do NOT fucking care about ftms OR detransitioners, because if you DID you would support studies on the actual risks of transition and make an effort to make the most accurate information possible accessible to those transitioning or considering transition, rather than spread baseless claims that are explicitly designed to scary people into doing what YOU want them to do.

Its not your life or your body, the best we can do is strive to make accurate information available and question the narrative that transition is the only option, because as long as it is presented as the only treatment it does not matter jack squat how much you lie and fearmonger about risks.

Dysphoric teens arent gonna choose not to transition just because you fearmonger about the risks, they're just gonna do it anyway and live with the added stress of being convinced they're gonna die an early and painful death, because they'll still think its their only chance at a happier life.

Obviously in an ideal world i dont think irreversible parts of medical transition should be done before someone's brain is fully formed, and ideally even then its going to be the LAST resort, but we're not gonna get there by lying and making baseless claims, it only makes us look disingenuous and easier to disregard.

[latimeria-will-dream]

5-10? for anyone! (kittyandco)

i just realized i dont talk too much about my s/i...i made a littol document about her for a fanfic comm that i never did get but TLDR: Beatrice (or Bea) is a farmgirl who has anxiety and ADHD and while she has some issues regarding relationships (specifically friendships),under some very interesting circumstances she finally has a group of friends that respect and love her as much as she does them, including her s/o, Joseph!

right with that out of the way...

5.) Who’s more spontaneous? Would your f/o randomly want to go on a midnight drive out in town or would they be the one to complain that they’re tired?

Joseph would most certainly not want to go out randomly on a whim. He likes having things planned and prepared for maximum effect. Bea doesn't like plans, so she's certainly the more spontaneous one- FOMO is a big thing with her so if there's any inkling that she has to do something now, she'll likely do it. She's also not big on routines.

6.) Is your f/o fussy over you if you have any self-destructive behaviours? What are their ways of making you care for yourself?

Bea is already fussed upon a bit by Emily; she was never good at taking care of herself anyway, from disregarding scrapes and bruises to suppressing her emotions in favor of other people. The fussing is continued tenfold with Joseph, as even though he seems uncaring and insincere, he's a very devoted friend and s/o to those who know him better. He takes it upon himself instead of Emily (he already kind of doesn't like her, no way he's trusting her with someone this important to him) to patch her up after games, and while the emotional issues would take a lot more time and care to heal, possibly more than he can give, the fact that there's someone constantly wanting to take care of her does a lot in easing a lot of fears and worry that had become second nature to her.

7.) What’s their signature thing they like to do when annoying you? Putting their cold hands on your skin? Poking you right in your ticklish areas?

The camera jumpscares. If you aren't familiar with IDV besides it being a 1v4 horror game, a common strategy with Joseph is to hide in his camera world until you think you're right on top of a survivor, and jump out at them in the real world for an easy hit. He doesn't always go friendly when she's on the opposite team, but when he does he often likes to jumpscare her as if he's taking the game seriously and then watch the relief as she realizes he's not trying to down and chair her. Outside of games, he's much more...mature, but he'd be lying if he said it wasn't fun using his talents to mess with her a bit.

8.) What do they usually do to take care of you when you’re ill, and vice versa? (More importantly, do they burn the soup?)

Joseph is the better cook of the two (poor Bea always confuses the measurements somehow and nothing outside of rice and other one-or-two ingredient dishes ever come out tasting properly), so the soup is best left in his care. He absolutely insists on doing everything for her and taking care of every small symptom, even for something as mild as a cold. Any worry for him getting sick is waved off- he's dead, he can't get sick! Cut to three days later where Bea is the one having to care for a sick hunter. Sometimes she catches it again, and Emily has to step in to stop the cycle from continuing. Seriously, how do these two manage to get anything done...

9.) What texts or phonecalls do you expect from them during the day? What do you text them during the day?

While I do headcanon them having a TV for no other reason than to have them to fall asleep watching things together, neither has a cell phone! However, especially at the beginning of the relationship, Joseph would often leave her little notes on her door with romantic words with French mixed in, or a note on someone else's chair that he didn't camp like, "I only left because I knew you were coming to rescue them...don't tell any of the others though~". This gets reciprocated, but as Bea is much less graceful with her words, she leaves little doodles like her giving a thumbs up or making a heart, or a slightly more detailed drawing of him, under his door and in passing. This came to an end when both realized they had kept all of each others' notes and they were each too embarrassed by the old ones to keep making more.

10.) What’s their contact name and assigned picture? What do they have for you?

Again, they don't have cell phones, but with Joseph being a photographer he does keep a growing collection of photos of her (all of them taken with consent). He used to carry one to each of his matches, but once he got his special carry where he holds the survivor in the photo instead of the traditional balloons before chairing them, he realized everyone he was chairing was seeing a moment that he wanted to keep between him and his lover, and while some were more sentimental and sweet, it was very much an image of him that he wanted no other survivor to be privy to. Since that fatal realization, he always made sure to have one plain photo to carry survivors in and then a photo of Bea for him to feel less lonely mid game, cause playing a game where you're alone and outnumbered can be a bit isolating, even if you're chasing them with a sword.

As for Bea, she held on to the same photo of him from the time he let her mess with his camera in her back pocket. It eventually yellowed and wore away at the folds, much to his chagrin, but to her that's the mark of something well-loved, and she put it on the mirror in her room when it became too delicate to take with her.

Thank you so much for asking! I had honestly forgotten that I rt'd an ask game, but it was really helpful writing out some more of the mundane aspects of this funny little relationship. ♥

[hadestownmodern]

dont have sex u will get pregnant and get made fun of by persephone

Hi guys! @dilforpheus here! I want to preface that the first segment of this was written before the banter on Instagram, but once I saw it I had to incorporate it. There is one final segment with WAY too many spoilers to share yet! 

This friendship/semi maternal relationship between Eurydice and Persephone is arguably my favorite in the ENTIRE modern au. 

The exams were passed back with no particular ceremony. Just Persephone turning them over on Student’s desks, curling writing on the front projecting a number as to how well a student did. Eurydice wasn’t particularly paying attention. She didn’t sleep much the night before and her back was absolutely killing her. She wasn’t even sure how she was going to make it through the next fifty-seven minutes of Persephone lecturing her on social structure in some specific midwestern town and the obscure sociological study that was performed on middle schoolers in the region. 

Eurydice barely notices when Persephone puts her returned exam in front of her, and most certainly misses the smirk on her features as she hands back the papers. Eurydice flips it over to see her grade- 87, adequate- before flipping through the exam to see what she missed. She notices that one corner is bumpier than the other, and flips to see what is interrupting the pages. 

There, staples to the corner of her exam, is a single condom. Not much use now that there is a staple through the middle. In persephone’s swirling cursive is written  

“You, like the girls in this study, could benefit from these -Seph”

Dumbfounded, Eurydice looked up to see Persephone smirking at her as she returned to her laptop in the front of the room .

“Are you fucking with me, Stephanie?” Eurydice mumbled, turning the paper to look at Persephone. “Jokes on you, i’m allergic to latex.” She quips, disregarding the fact she was fully in class in front of people she didn’t know. Fuck ‘em, she’d never see them again after this semester anyway. Persephone was going to be in her life forever. 

“Excellent point. I’ll remember that for next time.”

They ignore the gaping looks of her classmates, and the murmured whispers as Persephone goes back to teaching and beginning the new unit. 

“What did she just call her?” “Did she lowkey call Eurydice a whore?”  

It’s halfway through class, not even a full 30 minutes into the lecture when Eurydice is grasping the edge of the desk so tightly her knuckles were white. Her breathing is labored, but only enough that a trained eye would see. She isn’t even taking notes as Persephone tosses a keyring at her. “Get out of here, you look like shit.”

Persephone is erasing the board before Eurydice can process it, grasping the key ring in her fingers. 

“No, i’m staying. I have to learn this eventually before you give me an 87 again”  

Persephone rolls her eyes before shutting her laptop. “Fine. Class is over.” 

Noone else in the class argues as they quickly pack up their things and scramble out of the classroom, short “bye” and “have a good weekends” pour out of their mouths as Persephone watches them go. She sits at the now empty desk beside Eurydice and runs a hand over her hair. “Is it your back again… Orpheus told me it’s been bothering you recently.”

Eurydice only nods, letting out a shaky breath. ‘You didn’t need to end class-”

“Well you weren’t leaving, and you were distracting me. I was afraid you were gonna pass out right here.”

Eurydice laughs half heartedly, and starts to put her stuff in her bag. “Thank you, Perstephanie.”

Persephone put an arm around her shoulder and rubbed her shoulder. “You know, if you used a condom, you wouldn’t be having this problem.”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Are you fucking serious right now?” Eurydice pulled out the tissue paper, pulling a single box of condoms out. Attached was a note, in Persephone’s flourished cursive.

“So next birthday you don’t have to be pregnant -Seph. P.s. the real present is a vacation where you can put these into use. “

“I’m just saying, twenty two is way more fun when you don’t have feet you can’t see.” Persephone is on the other side of the bar, pouring herself an extra drink to toast to Eurydice, where she herself could not. “We could be drinking on the beach, but no, you drank two glasses of wine at my house and ended up in bed with my nephew.”

“Oh fuck off, You set me up for that-”

“EuRyDiCe! PeRsEpHonE!” Orpheus’ voice cracks from the other end of the bar at the same time a shot glass slips from his fingers and shatters on the ground. “What...whats going on? Why are you fighting?” 

His hazel eyes are wide as they flick between the two most important women in his life who are seemingly arguing over..a gift? Their impending child? “I thought you liked each other!”

Eurydice reached out and grabbed his hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “We do, Orpheus. We’re just messing around.”

“We do this in class all the time!” Persephone promised, squeezing his shoulder. “And you clearly didn’t listen when I taught you what safe sex was all those years ago. Maybe it’ll get through to her.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

There’s a gentle knock on the door that startles Eurydice, who pulls her eyes away from her daughter. A couple of hours old and she already seemed to shift the tilt of her world’s axis. She’s finally showered and in something comfortable when Orpheus stepped out to grab something to eat- namely, bring her fries from that diner down the street. She deserved it, dammit.  Eurydice looks up to see Persephone in the doorway, waving and smiling brightly.

“Hey sunshine, can I come in?” Persephone peaks in, genuine joy on her face as she watched Eurydice. So young, but in the short time she’s known her, she’s seen her grow into a completely different woman. “Everyone else will be here soon..Junie’s with my mom..but I wanted to see you.” Yes, she was overjoyed to see this baby that belonged to the boy she raised, but her priority was currently on the woman holding her. She wasn’t about to let her get overlooked in all the excitement of the baby. 

“Yeah, Yeah of course… I’m trying to get the hang of feeding her, but then she fell asleep. And they keep telling me to sleep when she does. But I can’t seem to stop looking at her…”

Persephone sat on the end of the bed, near Eurydice but not daring to crowd her personal space. “No, no I understand completely. I didn’t even put Junie down for about two weeks. Wouldn’t even let my mama hold her..” She rests her hand on Eurydice’s knee with a smile. “So a girl, huh? Does she have a name yet?

“Don’t act like you didn’t know.” Eurydice teased, running her finger over the baby’s nose with a lazy smile. “Your mother knows everything. But yes. I can’t believe it. I love her so much already, and I’ve barely known her three hours...we can’t name her. Nothing seems good enough..I’ve called her french fry for months now.”

“Even you’re starting to believe in her magic. That’s impressive. And a name will come to you. Well, My mother named Junie. No way in hell did my husband pick the name Juniper.”  Persephone watched the way Eurydice didn’t even look at her, unable to drag her eyes away from the tiny person she held in the crook of her arm. “How are you, honey. And don’t give me that fine, bullshit.”

“i...I’m so happy. I love her so much and I love Orpheus so much and- i’m so tired.” Eurydice admits, letting out a sigh. “I love her so much, and I can’t even describe how happy I am. But i’m tired and I didn’t realize how much pain i’d still be in.. and it’s like her gums are razor blades and I don’t think i’m every going to physically be capable of having sex again, not to mention why would Orpheus even want to and- I’m so tired but I can’t look away from her! I can’t put her down. She’s been apart of me for so long.”  She’s crying before she realizes it, warm tears running down her face. She hiccups as she feels the baby starting to move in her arms and almost cries harder. How was she supposed to do this if she was already exhausted?

Persephone is closer to her, tucking black curls behind her ear before wiping at her cheeks. “It’s okay, Eurydice, it’s okay. I understand. I really do. I felt guilty for being tired, for not being on top of the game all the time. I worked so hard to have her, how dare I be anything less than 100%.” She pulled her head to her chest, stroking Eurydice’s soft curls as she held her. Eurydice needed a mother, she needed a mother to care about her, and Persephone was more than glad to fill her part. “”I would take showers that were exactly three minutes long. And for 180 seconds I would sob. Because how dare I be anything less that grateful. But fuck, I just wanted a nap for more than two hours at a time. And to not feel like a cow. So I get it.” 

Persephone kisses the top of Eurydice’s head, feeling the girl’s body just shake as she cried into her. Of course she kept it in. Women were trained to think they could show nothing but joy that day, when in reality the emotional highs and lows came like the changing tide. “It’s okay. You’re going to be the best mom. You are allowed to feel things, Eurydice” She promises, allowing herself a glance down at the incredibly small little girl Eurydice was clutching as if her life depended on it. “She’s so beautiful already. Looks just like you…”

“She looks like a potato alien, you can say it!” Eurydice whined, hiding her face in Persephone’s shoulder. 

“Well..all babies do. But you ate so many fries what do you expect other than a potato?” It’s teasing, and light, and the way Perspehone lightens the mood. She won’t dare ask to hold the baby, not with the way Eurydice anchors herself by holding her. 

“I feel like I got punched in the stomach with at least six knives and then someone ripped out whatever balances my emotions. All that while feeling like a dairy cow mixed with the happiest person in the world.” Eurydice tries to describe, laughing just a little as she wiped her tears away. “I’m a mess.”

“Well, you know, all of that could have been prevented with a condom. Which, by the way-” She pulled out a card and handed it to her. “Heres one for safekeeping, remember it in six weeks.”

“You’re such an asshole sometimes.”

“I know.”

[hes-writer]

Harry and Y/N are best friends (2)

Summary: Harry and Y/N haven’t seen each other in a while

Warnings: angst

Word Count: 4.1k

In a perfect world, Y/N would’ve had the courage to confess– again– but maybe when the circumstances were a bit better than they were before. Maybe he would actually reciprocate her feelings, and maybe he wouldn’t have met Luna because he had decided that his heart belonged to Y/N back home.

In an effort to add more people into her minuscule group of friends, Y/N had signed up for Zumba at her local community center. She was a bit iffy at first about signing up because it wasn’t cheap, and Y/N would rather much buy herself some snacks at the store, but she knew that she needed to get out there in order to get her mind off of her failed confession to Harry. Ever since she first stepped into the activity room with a large mirror right in front of her, Y/N was forced to face with her reflection and watch her body move quite stiffly with the music.

Then, she would’ve disregarded the obvious flaws because Y/N wasn’t very harsh with herself and she thought that whatever is ‘wrong’ with her, she can improve; that’s why she chose to see only the good things, thing that she liked. She was on the heavier side, a sizeable bum than most and she had a muffin top, but Y/N used those societal flaws to build herself up to be more confident. Plus, Harry always told her that she looked beautiful, and complimented her whenever he could. It wasn’t that she needed Harry’s approval to know that she’s beautiful, but it definitely helped her self-esteem when someone like him made herself believe that she was worth something. So that’s why she was a bit confused as to why Y/N was looking at herself right now and was only seeing the flaws she otherwise would’ve ignored or maybe gaped at in a positive light. Her hips were jutting out a bit more, she noticed. A sixth sense made her feel like everybody around her was staring at her in judgment. A sane part of her knows that she was just being paranoid, but the larger half couldn’t help but be more aware of her actions, taking unnecessary steps back so she wouldn’t be in anyone’s direct line of view.

And Y/N knew why she was perceiving this sort of emotion. She recognized that a considerable part of her was envious of Luna’s appearance. Y/N wasn’t anywhere near hers--beauty wise--so maybe that’s the root of all of her negative input. She was used to it, she guesses. Being around Harry for an extensive amount of time meant that she was in a plethora of pictures, ones that were posted in media articles, newspapers, and on social media. While others ignored her visible presence of being in the background right behind him, other outlets still isolated her and made comments about who she was without really learning who she is. So yes, there are some assumptions being made and certainly are their gossips about her looks saying that she was ‘too ugly’ to be hanging out with Harry, or that she wasn’t as skinny as the previous women he had linked himself to (assuming that they were dating). Like she said, it usually wouldn’t disturb her or trouble her mind since Harry’s reassurance echoes in her mind every time she doubted herself. It was comforting for someone to just be there for her, but Y/N was in slow progress of accepting the fact that he might not be there for her anymore in the very near future, she figures.

----

“Hey Y/N, are you okay? You seemed about out of it,” Darren, the instructor, approached her when most of the participants left the room. She was searching for the towel she was quite sure she threw in her gym bag in a rush.

“Huh? Yeah, I’m okay. Thanks” Y/N smiled at him, forcing herself to converse with him although she wasn’t in the best mood right now.

“So I was thinking, if you aren’t doing anything Friday night ...we could maybe get dinner together,” Darren started, inspecting her face for any sign of discomfort from her. The last thing he wanted was for Y/N to feel uncomfortable because of him.

“Oh no, I’m sorry I have plan--,” Y/N trailed off, a sudden realization hitting her square in the face. Friday night used to be their nights. She closed off and rejected any invitations given to her especially on Friday’s because there was no question as to whether or not she and Harry were going to hang out or not-- it was always a yes. They didn’t even check in on each other if they’re cool for spending time together because it was such a routine that nobody dared questioned.

“It’s okay if you can’t, by the way,” He added, noticing that she was taking a pregnant pause. He shifted on his sneaker-clad feet nervously while biting his lip.

If he already missed three weeks in a row, what are the chances of him missing a straight fourth?

Y/N chuckled anxiously, not knowing whether to say yes or now. On one hand, it was a good step for her to spend Friday nights with somebody else instead of her more recent contexts where she sat on her couch alone, eating frozen meals and staring emotionlessly at a supposed ‘comedy show’. But on the other, there was still a slice of her endlessly hoping that Harry would somehow change his plans to include her--his best friend-- if she could even label herself that. It was saddening, really; she was waiting for him to (hopefully) realize that he missed her but then again, she wasn’t in the place to assume anything since Y/N didn’t know what he was thinking or even how he was feeling recently.

“You know what?” Y/N said, clearing her throat. Darren raised an eyebrow at her. “I think it would be gr--”

Both of them glanced at her left hand where she clutched her phone. She gives him a sheepish smile. He must be so annoyed at her.

“Hey y/n, wanna hang out this friday? :))

Luna’s going out with her friends

It’s ok if u dont wanna :/”

“Um actually, I can’t. Maybe next time,” Y/N finally responded, bashfully might she add. She could feel her plump cheeks heating up as if a space heater hit her at full blast, making her cheeks pink.

“It’s alright. Maybe next time, “ Darren repeated. She could see the twinkle in his eyes dispersing a bit and his body to be slouching just an inch shorter. However, she couldn’t find it in herself to care about him; not when Harry had planted himself back in her otherwise boring life.

Yes, it was a bit pitying for Y/N to just let Harry in again despite his actions, but she couldn’t help it. She really does miss him and she’s sure that Harry will explain himself.

---------

It was finally Friday and Y/N was bouncing on her toes, excited about tonight’s event. She still had a couple of hours before she would be heading over to his house with a bag of goodies. The fact that she hasn’t seen him in a while added spine-tingling energy bursting through her whole body. She woke up on the right side of the bed, the sun peeked through her blinds in the right amounts so she wasn’t blinded. The weather was perfect because when Y/N missed slipping her feet in her fuzzy slippers, her sole was met with a warmness that would usually be a frigid platform. So yes, her mood was elevated profoundly and it was all because of Harry.

She made her breakfast while she was swaying her hips to the beat of the song from her playlist. Y/N thought about how he was able to take her sucky week and do a complete 180. That was when she had to accept another fate; that she was--no doubt-- absolutely in love with him that she was willing to brush his misdemeanors off of her shoulder just like that. She couldn’t find one bone in her body to hate him and she didn’t even reprimand herself for feeling that way because the love she’d grown for him overpowered any other emotion. She was sure that she’d resemble a heart-eyed emoji right now.

---------

Y/N was giddy, she could feel it throughout her entire body. Her skin was buzzing against her pajamas that she’d worn underneath a layer of clothes to keep her warm. Her fingers pressed the doorbell by the side of the frame. A smile was basically plastered on her face and her cheeks were getting sore for sure yet Y/N’s expression stayed the same despite the cold nipping at her exposed skin. She waited for the porch lights to turn on, indicating that he had let his eye peep through the hole on the door to see her face. For what seemed like five minutes, she stood there in her boots, having already rung the bell twice and her happy expression steadily sagged into one of worry, anxiousness, and disappointment. Did he forget or did he just not hear her? She hoped for the latter because after all, being forgotten was solid evidence of her not being a priority in his life anymore.

The sun had already started setting when she stepped foot outside her apartment and locked the doors so it was no surprise that the night sky had immersed itself in a blanket full of stars, dimly reflecting off of shiny windshields of the cars parked in the driveway. The street lights were her only source of metaphorical warmth. His car was here, so why wasn’t he answering the door?

It had been ten minutes later when Y/N heard the clicks of the locks from the other side of the door from her position, butt frozen sitting on the wooden staircase leading up to his front door. She had tightened the hood of her sweater over her head and her hands were shoved in the pockets to conserve heat after she spent time contacting him on her phone to which she got no reply.

“Y/N,” He breathed out. She stood up quickly, almost slipping at the abruptness and for a moment she saw stars circling in front of her eyes but she steadied herself.

“What took you so long?” She muttered while bending down to get the bag of food. Standing up straighter, he could see that he was matching her; grey sweatpants and a t-shirt.

“J-just doing some stuff around the house,” He leaned in for a hug after she had kicked off her shoes messily to the side. Her coat hung on the rack and the heat of Harry’s home made her stomach feel fuzzy. Y/N succumbed immediately into his warm hug, nuzzling her face into his neck like she always does. “Missed you, lovie”

“Missed you too, H” It was a deja-vu moment for her, mind flashing back to the airport a couple of weeks ago. But he was here now, he wasn’t going to leave her to run off with Luna; he was hers for the time being and she damn as hell going to make sure that every second with him was spent well.

She felt the familiar knack in his arms as he tightened the length of it around her body, his hair tickling her face in the slightest ways, bodies pressed together so near that it felt like they were one. Y/N breathed in deeply, searching for his scent that filled her nostrils and made her heart beat calmly. When she did, it was different. It was sweet in a sense, a robust aroma wafting off of his neck, something raw and metallic; unfamiliar.

Her sock-covered feet padded against the marble flooring, bag rusting as she swayed it while she walked. Her voice resonated in the large room in question about how he was doing and what he had been up to that he took such a long time to get the door. She got her answer not a second later, not from the deep rumbling of his chest, but the sight in front of her.

Y/N’s head tilted to the side in confusion of seeing the back of Luna’s head as she scavenged the refrigerator for food. She turned around to face Harry, eyebrows raising as if to say ‘what is she doing here?’. He was about to open his mouth when Luna closed the fridge door.

“Harry, you have no more bread,” Luna whined out, not facing their direction yet.

“Sorry, babe. We’ll buy more tomorrow,”  She turned around then, eyes going wide in the surprise of seeing Y/N.

“Oh, hi Y/N!” Luna greeted her, long legs taking strides to pull Y/N in for an embrace. She was stuck frozen, trying to decipher what was currently happening.

“Luna’s friends canceled so she’s staying with us tonight,” Y/N could feel a drought simpering in her throat.

“I hope that’s okay,” Luna continued, concern flooding her beautiful features as she stared at Y/N.

Harry wasn’t doing something, he was doing someone. Luna. That would certainly explain why she was wearing an oversized jumper stopping mid-thigh, probably underwear, and some socks; it was Harry’s jumper, Y/N concludes because she wore the same one when she complained about being cold one night in his house. It would explain her messy hair, tinted cheeks, and the dazed look in her eyes. They fucked before she got here, that’s why he couldn’t answer the door. Y/N felt disgusting, turning her body fully to face him, inspecting him. His t-shirt was wrinkled, allowing her to see (at close distance) a bruise forming on his neck and clavicle, his hair was sex hair and that god-awful smell she was whiffing was the smell of sex. A shiver ran down her spine at the thought of their actions and the fact that he held her close minutes after he finished with her. As if he needed a hug like the one they shared; full of love and emotion of missing each others’ presence because Y/N certainly did, but him, it was an ordinary action probably acted on through kindness because he didn’t need her anymore. He didn’t need love sprouting from Y/N because he can get it from someone else. A separate devastation harnessed its way into her heart at the visual of a man that she was so helplessly besotted with sharing an intimate action with someone he had known for only months.

“Y-yes of course,” Y/N swallowed thickly, still trying to wrap her mind around the context. Her eyes found Harry’s which were filled with worry, begging her to let him explain what the hell just happened.

“Great! Don’t worry, I’ll take care of the food, you guys make yourselves comfortable,” Luna beamed, shooing the both of them away from the kitchen and towards the living room but not before grabbing Harry’s shirt and giving him a kiss on the lips.

-----

As soon as Y/N thought that they would be out of earshot, she instantaneously turned around to face Harry who was following her closely.

“What the hell, Harry? You said she was going out, that it would just be the both of us,” Y/N sneered, hands waving in frustration.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. Her plans fell through and she was already here anyways so I thought that you wouldn’t mind if she joined us, “

“I just thought it’d be the two of us,”

“What’s wrong with having her here?” He challenged her, eyebrows rising from their usual place. Y/N gulped heavily, choosing to be careful with her words.

“Nothing is wrong with her being here,”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“I wanted it to be like old times, you know?”

Harry sighed deeply. His legs leading him to stand in front of her, tilting her chin up so she could see the sincerity behind them.

“Look Y/N, it’s going to be different now,” His tone sounded like he was speaking to a child. “Luna and I are together and there’s going to be some changes between-- between us,”

“I know, Harry. I’m not expecting you to invite me every time. I haven’t seen you in so long and she just comes here and take-- spends her time with you and I barely get to see you, H”

“If this is because of what I said to you before, “ And she knew that he was talking about her confession. “Feelings change and sometimes you can’t control it. I didn’t mean to hurt you, Y/N. I wasn’t ready to commit again,”

“That’s beside the point!” Her voice reached a new volume and Harry shot her a warning glance to keep her voice down. “It doesn’t matter if I told you about my feelings or not. What matters is you keep ditching me for her, canceling our plans because she wanted you to stay by her side.”

“I get that you guys are a couple but I feel like I’m not even important to you anymore,”

“That’s not true, you know that’s not true,” He protested. Y/N didn’t know if he was playing dumb or if he was really that daft.

“When’s the last time we hung out together, just us?”

He gaped at her, pink lips opening and closing but no sound came from his throat.

“Exactly, you don’t even know,”

“She’s my girlfriend, Y/N. You’re just my .. my friend” He whispered agitatedly.

Her heart cracked and the fire igniting in her was extinguished. The embers floating amidst the dry and tense atmosphere. He had hit a soft spot, he knew that but it wasn’t on purpose.

“R-right. Of course, “ She nodded, accepting the cold, hard facts. She couldn’t do anything and besides, he was speaking the truth. He never saw her as anything more than a friend and the sooner she gets over that, the faster she can mend her broken heart and move on.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to,”

Y/N held up a palm indicating him to stop talking, “No you’re right. I’m just a friend, a friend that waited out in the cold tonight only to be reminded that she’s never going to be anything else to you,

“Don’t put words in my mouth and I told you I was doing something,” It was his turn to roll his eyes.

She scoffed, “You weren’t doing something, you were doing her!”

“We’re in a relationship. It’s normal,” He explained.

“I know it is,” Y/N took his comment as a blow for her lack of companionship. “I’m just saying, you left me outside in the cold to fuck her--”

“Sorry about that again,”

She glared at him for interrupting her, “And you touched me as if you didn’t just touch her minutes before! I mean god did you even wash your hands?”

He only shook his head at her question.

“That’s disgusting, Harry!”

“I said I was sorry! Why can’t you accept that already?”

She spotted the soiled couch, the cushions pressed in from the weight of Harry and Luna’s bodies, the blanket was half on the couch and a half on the floor.

“Not only did you take your sweet time getting to the door, but you also forgot about me these past few weeks and you know it,”

“I canceled one thing and you’re acting as if I ruined this friendship,”

She stared at him incredulously, “One? It was three, Harry! You kept saying ‘maybe next time’ but it never comes,”

“I can’t just drop everything for you,”

“But you used to”

He ran a hand over his face, the stress of the conversation weighing in on him.

“Luna, sh-she’s more important now,”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I’m saying that I want to focus on her and me,”

“So you’re basically kicking me to the side? Because you found someone else to give you something that you can’t accept from me?”

“That’s not what I’m doing, Y/N,”

“Then explain to me! Please, I’m trying to understand you,” She begged him and Y/N’s sure that Luna had probably heard their conversation by now. It didn’t take that long to prepare the snacks.

“I really want her and I to work,”

“I wish you the best too, you know that. I’m just confused as to where I stand,” Y/N stated. “I don’t want to make you choose, Har, but I need to know if you see me as a convenient person that will always catch you when you fall or if you really care about me because right now, it seems like you don't’”

“I care about you and I love you, Y/N”

“You didn’t answer my question, Styles,” Her eyes were stinging from the tears she was holding back. She wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of crying in front of him. “Are you keeping me around because you know I’ll stay?”

“Please don’t take advantage of me like that.” She pleaded, a lone tear slipping down her cheek and he instinctively reached out to wipe it away; like he used to.

“I-i’m not,”

“Prove it,”

“But Y/N, you said you wouldn’t make me chose,” His reply was an answer in itself, his actions and words were already hinting at possible disclosure between him and her, but hearing it from him made it more real. He already knew that he was going to choose Luna, but he kept Y/N around for the sake of his selfish reasons.

“You choose her, huh?”

He tried to come closer to her, but every time he took a step forward, her body backed away from him.

“I-i don’t know what to say,”

“I don’t know either, H” She puffed her chest out, heart aching deeply at his words.

“I really like her, Y/N”

The knife in her chest twisted, breaking the pieces into sharper shards that scratch her insides, capturing her in an endless loop of pain. Everything she hoped to be, everything she desired to herself was given to somebody else and it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that she is treated so poorly right now by a man she loves and it wasn’t even his fault! He’s right, you can’t control your feelings because Y/N still loves him the way she did before.

“I know,”

---

It hurts. There was a hole in her chest, an abyss swallowing every emotion she felt except anger, pain, grief, loneliness, and disappointment. Those stuck around, circling her heart and making her feel bad about herself but she couldn’t find anything to counteract the sorrow she was feeling. It mocked her like Harry had used her. She didn’t realize it at first because it was subtle and fundamental that when she did,  it was too late to try and revive the old Y/N. She died right along when Harry chose someone else over her.

Her body ached, limbs and joints remaining in the same position for a continuous amount of time. Y/N’s throat was dry, having not spoken for days--having not left her place for days-- and she felt like every time a word scraped by that she would break into a heaving sob, burning her lungs for air as snot filled her nostrils. She turned off her phone to disconnect herself from the outside world, surely nothing important would happen to a nobody like her; a thought that Harry further revealed as true by stepping on her and beating down on her love and trust. She refused to see herself in any reflection because she knew that she would only be met with a lifeless counterpart, a stranger staring at her because even she didn't know who she was anymore. It hurts when every time she closed her eyes, an image of Harry and Luna embedded itself permanently in her brain that she often had to spend nights staring at the ceiling, afraid to sleep.

Y/N didn’t know if he was okay, he probably was, since she hasn’t heard from anyone in days. Sometimes he would sneak into her dreams and give her a few moments to imagine a life where they were together; her dreams were a place for them to be together whereas reality only spits at her pathetic attempt of finding love. He used her for his own selfish reasons and she let him because she desired him too much. He only kept her around because she was a safety net in case anything goes wrong and she couldn’t even let herself be too angry at him because at least he made her feel wanted. At least he trusted her with him himself; but he could never trust her with his heart even though she gave her own to Harry, willingly.

--------

let me know what you thought!

taglist; @besitostyles @fangirl-moment-x @harrysahottie @rosepetalumbrella @evalynanne @ynm1505 @cuddlebughazza @pxrrishly @lovableah @always-alone19 @projkiwidicine @harrystxleslx @harryspirate @mutuallynotmutual @ftinxmirx @xalittlebitofeverythingx

[dxmedstudent]

Hi dx. I'm the med student on a&e. Been getting really anxious when very sick patients come into resus, esp cardiac arrest patients. Heart starts pounding and I can't think, cant even remember bls. I dont even know why it bothers me so much, I don't think about arrests a lot or anything, my body just reacts. Generally like a&e otherwise. Any tips on dealing with this so I can actually help with the sicker pts, not just get in the way? I need to get over this so as an actual dr i'm ok!

Hello! First things first, you’re actually having a normal reaction to a very stressful situation. Sick patients are scary; it’s natural for all of us to be scared when confronted with such a situation. This is why we all train to work past our natural reactions :)  I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you at all for reacting that way, and I agree with you that it doesn’t have to have anything at all with finding them unpleasant; we can’t control how we instinctively react to unusual situations. But we can learn to build tolerance. The good thing is, you won’t be expected to lead the situation yet. So it’s OK if you can’t remember everything that has to be done in that moment. The person leading it is usually the med reg or a senior nurse, and in a well-led crash call it will always be clear who this person is. If there’s time (i.e. someone has already started compressions) It’s often a good idea to introduce yourself quickly to them as a student and ask what you can do; in this way rather than you stressing, someone who’s more experienced can dole out things you can actually do. If you don’t know how to do something, or feel uncomfortable doing it, you can just say. If it makes you feel better, I too used to feel in the way a lot as a student; because frequently I wasn’t doing anything much to contribute to patient care (apart from chat with patients). That’s part of why I loved A&E like I mentioned to you before; it was one of the busiest A&Es in the country, and they always had jobs for me to do and people for me to clerk, I felt almost like a doc! Exciting! But when calls happened, I still felt like I didn’t quite know what I was allowed to do. So I used to ask them ‘I’m a student, how can I help”; docs and nurses love when students try to help, and we know you won’t be able to do everything yet! I find it helps to give yourself a task, so you have something constructive to do and focus on. That always makes me feel better if I’m feeling nervous and my heart is pounding; focus on something and do it well. You’re the student, so you’re in a position where you can observe because you’re not running the scenario.  There are actually loads of roles you could take on:

Perhaps you could offer to scribe; someone needs to take down the times and just remind people when there have been cycles of CPR, when the adrenaline was given, etc. I used to love scribing as a student, because you learn so much about how a well run call works when you’re observing from the outside. Most people are dipping in to do stuff and involved in the chaos but the scribe has to stay above it, like the leader.

That may be slightly advanced for you, in which case you could focus on something more specific; I love being the bloods/cannula monkey; all you have to focus on is getting a line in and taking the sample, if you can. Just watch out for needlesticks and make sure sharps are accounted for.

Sometimes they just need someone to hand over new swabs, new saline flushes or new cannulas/abg needles; being the odd-jobs person can be really useful to the medical team who are concentrating on treating the patient, because it’s one less thing for your seniors to worry about.

 If you like CPR, you’re lucky because most people don’t, so you pretty much don’t have to think about anything if you don’t mind doing chest compressions; just remember to swap with people so you don’t get fatigued.

Until the anaesthetist comes, someone needs to bag the patient, if you’ve been trained to do it then its not very hard, doesn’t require lots of muscle, and as long as their chest is going up and down, you are probably doing OK?

They always need someone to run the ABG or send off the bloods. It’s not a glamorous or medical job, but it needs to get done so that they can try to figure out what’s going on. As a bonus, if you’re stressed out, it allows you to leave the area for a short while then come back and continue.

Someone always needs to find the crash trolley. OK, so youre not yet trained to use the defib so you’d leave that to someone else, but getting equipment like the trolley is an insanely useful thing to do. Waiting for stuff I need to materialise is my least favourite part of emergency situations, and I instantly love someone who appears with the right equipment just when you need it.

Don’t worry about necessarily doing the most medical jobs; at a call there will probably be a reg, a couple of SHOs and FY1s, a lot of nurses; so there will already be a lot of people to be doing some of the more medical tasks. Even as a doc when there are lots of us I just try do whatever needs to be done next, even if it’s the most unglamorous task on the list, if there’s no urgent medical task that needs my attention. Sometimes there are too many doctors! It might be useful to practise some BLS/ILS by yourself or with friends, again and again until it feels mroe automatic. Kind of like how we keep practising osce stations so that when you’re in the exam, and your heart is pounding, you don’t forget the entire thing through nerves. On my paeds job, we had weekly simulated paediatric rescuscitation, and it made simulation training (and real calls) much less scary. Mostly. I probably find simulation a little scarier than actual calls (because we’re being watched, eek!) but practice helps to desensitise us to the worst of it. I certainly got better with experience, and you learn to disregard your physiological reaction and get better at focusing past it. We’re deliberately put through simulations so we can get over some of our nerves and practice in a mock situation and I think it really helps. Because it’s well known that stress makes us panic or shut down or our minds go blank.  Whenever I do it with colleagues, people are still a bit nervous, but that’s part of the learning process. I don’t know if your uni offers sim training, but if it does, take it. Some hospitals offer it for junior docs and might let you come along, if you write to their educational department and ask nicely. If you can’t do that, you could try running your own mini simulation with friends. Our paeds ones were fairly minimal; a plastic baby doll and ECG etc printouts in resus. It doesn’t have to be high tech to feel scary! So even just taking yourselves through some common scenarios might feel pretty real, at least whilst you are in the scenario. The point is that the best way for us to remember our ABCDE and thought process is to keep practising in some way or other. Whether through real crash calls or by yourself with a pillow, or simulating scenarios with friends (or proper sim training). I think any and all would be a good start. I’m sure it’s something you can work through; in my experience we don’t all enjoy acutely sick patients (I’m no adrenaline junkie personally, so I don’t seek out jobs with lots of acutely sick patients, but I do what I have to when I have to) but we all get better at dealing with it through experience.  I have a feeling this is pretty common, so I’d love it if other medblrs shared any tips they have :)

[musicfeedsthesoul]

To the Jump fandom gate-keepers

I have decided to not address this to any one of the people who contacted me because I have enough respect to not give names out--and yes, people have been asking me to.

This is the ONLY thing I am going to say in response to what I suspect is only a few people overusing the anonymous feature to make it appear like there’s a mob coming after me. For those of you who actually wrote me from your accounts?

Thank you, thank you for at least respecting me enough to be honest about who you are, you in return earn my respect. 

Why are those of you who contacted me actually following me? Why do you follow any of the Jump Tumblrs? Since the simple fact is, every single thing, and I mean EVERYTHING we post, apart from original art–all of the scans, videos, tv-shows, articles–all we don’t own a single one of them. None of us, not even the OP of the materials actually owns them. I feel pretty strongly that if you are going to harass me, then I certainly hope you’re going to mete your justice out evenly across Tumblr and the rest of the fandom as well. 

So, HAVE ANY OF YOU CONTACTED the OP of these videos?

How about the 825 people who have reblogged it on Twitter? (as of right now) Because you all act like I am exclusively responsible for this phenomenon and that’s absolutely insane.

You should realize, if you aren’t going to, then what you are doing is being BULLIES. You are either bothered enough to act on what you believe in and go to the source, or your just being self-righteous, sanctimonious gate-keeping fans who are simply lashing out at me because it’s easy to do.

Today, I have seen a dark side of this fandom. I have received the most hateful, mean-spirited messages--and the weird thing? Those of you who said to me things like: ‘you are the worst kind of fan!’, ‘the members would hate you if they saw your blog’, ‘you have no respect for the band!’, ‘Jump would be so disappointed in you!’ and so on and on about how much I am hurting Jump, hurting the fandom, how terrible of a fan I am, how disappointed the boys would be in me.

I’m positive that the nine members of Jump would be pleased with how you have treated me today. Just SUPER proud, I’m positive. 

I spend HOURS and HOURS bringing pictures, videos, gifs, and such to this fandom. You honestly, can not possibly know how much effort I put into this blog…and I don’t get paid for it, I don’t get anything for it other than knowing that those who can’t access the information will be able to have it. I don’t get tons of likes or reblogs, I really don’t--I just do this because I know there are people who really need me to. And for them, I do it, I devote myself to it, because the international fandom wouldn’t know most things here on Tumblr otherwise. I work hard on my blog, I’m not a little bit sorry–I do it because I love those boys, and I love this fandom. 

Here’s what I really want to know–is there somewhere I can read about the action that Johnny’s has taken against the international community that all of you people keep railing on about? Or heck, against the collective Japanese fandom! 

This whole “Johnny’s takes measures”, “Johnny’s watches everythig”, “Johnnys will take away this or that” thing? 

Like, please do show me! Because I know about people being banned from the fan club. That’s just and right, those people sign on a dotted line and make promises under a contract and if they break the rules by gosh they should be punished, but this Unicorn Pegasus Elephant-eared Flying-Pig that everyone keeps harping on and on and ON ABOUT!?

MY GOD.

PLEASE prove it. I’d like to see it in writing. Because I’ve never seen it! So, refer me to links and sources so I can become truly educated on the subject!

I checked the official source here: http://www.johnnys-net.jp/page?id=matters&lang=en_us and found no threats or anything like everyone keeps saying--so, where are they hiding these threats? 

I feel like they’d want to make an example out of all of the exhaustive punishments they’re passing around to all the ne’er do wells, so it would be printed on that page, not hearsay from alarmist fans.

Yes, the contract that members agree to when they join the fan club lays out the terms in very exact standards. If they film or take pictures they are subject to being removed from the fan club.

I can’t find anywhere that says they’ll in return punish the collective fandom. Nor that they won’t give us the DVD. Because really, I also want to know when they’ve ever not released a DVD because of leaked footage? Because the entire internet is FILLED with leaked footage from concerts, tv shows, events, and such for the last six years, as long as I have been a fan, and amazingly enough I have all of the DVD’s from their tours sitting on my shelf.

I just think this is nothing more than a really weird case of mass hysteria.

Johnny’s is, before anything else, a business. Maybe they take advantage of the naivety of the fans in Japan, I honestly have no idea what in the world makes ANYONE believe this nonsense, but it will be a cold day in hell that they turn down the profits from what is undoubtedly likely millions of dollars in DVD sales because ANY fan, local or international, shared a 35 second video!?

I’m willing to bet on it.

All of you who wrote about how people like me are going to get the OP’s banned from the fan club. Ah, what?! I’m not sure how that works...It’s stupid and I won’t even entertain the idea. If someone takes pictures or videos and gets caught and kicked out, that’s because they’re crazy to have taken the risk in the first place. 

I can tell you if I were a part of the fan club and had the honor and privilege of getting to see our boys live there’s no way I would EVER risk my membership. But those who upload and post these videos clearly have weighed and measured the consequences and found that they were willing to risk it.

Them breaking the rules? I don’t have a thing to do with it, I am literally 6000 miles away and find it amusing that I am even having this conversation! If they asked me I’d tell them they’re insane. Because honestly? They sure are! They would risk losing their connection with the boys for whatever they get from posting a video? No way. I’d never do that.

Someone actually said that most of the things that are posted are always STOLEN from the original sources--because the OP’s always have them locked down. Huh. So, then we have a bunch of talented hackers in our fandom who steal videos and pictures. Weird.

Someone else said the issue is me sharing the video would get the ‘half-opened’ fan club shut down to international fans. Say what!? They ‘half-opened’ their fan club?  No, they didn’t open it at all, you still have to have a sponsor who lives in Japan to get in, and for the love of God, can we just finally say the absolute fact of all of this which is--

THE INTERNATIONAL FANS ARE NOT THE ONES DOING THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

They aren’t sharing the screenies from the FC, they aren’t taking videos of the concerts, they aren’t uploading all of the magazines! I mean seriously! It’s people IN THE ASIAN FANDOM! Why would you ever point the finger at us? We are NOT DOING IT--we don’t have access to the materials!

Those who sent things insinuating that I should listen to what those who tell me what to do...whoa, now. Let’s just get this cleared up, shall we? I am an adult. I’m not a child, I’m not a teenager, I am a full grown, productive member of society adult–and I actually spend a FORTUNE on products to support Hey! Say! JUMP every year–so, you need to take a step back before you come at me like that.

Because let me be clear, I’m not new to this fandom, so please don’t treat me as if I am.

Finally, the singular most hurtful comment of the day? Now, I know, this might not bother other people, I get it, but me?  NG.

if you dont like it move on to kpop or whatever,

What in the world makes you think you have a right to say such a hateful, hurtful thing to me!?

Because you’re on the other side of a screen?! You have the audacity, to dare to basically negate every single thing I feel about Jump–how much I love, respect, adore, cherish, and support them–by insinuating I could just toss them away without a care like that just because you think I’m not a good enough fan or whatever makes you think I could just ‘move on’ to ‘kpop’ or ‘whatever’.  That I would even want to. What?

Am I being dismissed from the fandom? Is that what it is? If I don’t do what you think a proper fan should do then I don’t deserve to be a fan? Is that it?

How DARE you.

I love Jump with all my heart, and I am NOT someone who can just walk away from them. It is insulting, and disrespectful to me on the highest level and I am NOT ABOUT to sit here and let you disregard my true and full feelings about the nine members of Jump. Who are you to judge me!?

So now, I’m going to say to you, to anyone who is thinking of sending me another hateful message or who wants to have some kind of ongoing dialogue?

I’m not remotely interested, please do NOT contact me until you’ve solved the SOURCE of this make-believe issue–which is NOT me or any other international fan–and frankly--

If YOU don’t like it then please, unfollow and block me!

Right now. Do it, because I’m not changing my mind. If you want to believe I am a horrible fan who hates the boys and wants to disrespect them, then PLEASE do us both a favor and walk away! If I bother you this much why would you even be here in the first place?! 

YOU CLEARLY HAVE NO IDEA WHO I AM, or what I think, feel, and believe. Especially, not when it comes to my love and devotion to Jump. 

And if you insist on contacting me? Well, then I will be using my block button without prejudice or even a remote second thought. I said I was done, and believe me, I REALLY AM NOW! 

I will not be discussing this any further, and I WILL NOT stop doing what I do for the sake of this fandom.

[scarlett-carson]

Its funny, but not in a HA HA HA kind of way

things have been...all over the godsdamn place of late ive been busy ive been broken ive been, a bit under construction of late. there was a bit of a phoenixing going on behind the scenes and maybe not everyone knew it. or maybe they did and i am not as lowkey as i fancy myself to be sometimes. there was a bit of a semi-public accidental crash recently, so... it doesnt matter. no, i mean it totally matters but thats...not the point of this recently, i went on vacation. there was a road trip with my sister and it was all kinds of things. it was, above all....FUCKING NECESSARY but. to the point of this post:: we were driving back from a week in daytona and it was the middle of the night and we were talking about things and stuff and nonsense and serious stuff and bullshit and like...everything...because that is kind of this thing that we do sometimes and shes had kind of a rough go in her own way and i think we both sort of needed a quality 3am talk about what one wants to do when they realize they dont have to camp out at rock bottom anymore and that there are options beyond "idk, just not die i guess" and in all of the talk about all of the things, she asked me why i stopped writing. (because she is a cunt and kind of a sadist) i dont have an answer for that i have a list of like...bullshit excuses for why i dont write depression lack of focus nothing to say impostor syndrome "i cant i have rehearsal" etc etc etc but i didnt have an ANSWER in that moment but i did tell her that recently, id been thinking a whole lot about how i miss doing slam and spoken word. that even if i dont have the stamina to write longform anything, doesnt mean i dont have things to say and that maybe it would be a way to get my legs back under me but i dont know because its been a really REALLY long time and what if i dont know how anymore and the rules have changed and like nothing i have to say is interesting to anyone else or like what if there is something i feel deep all the way into my marrow, but like someone else can say it better? this bitch has the audacity to pull over to the side of the road. like in the middle of fucking NOWHERE mountainsville, kentucky or wherever the fuck we were...and goes "so, its funny you should mention THAT. its funny, but not in a HA HA HA kind of way. i have to show you this thing. but its going to kick you in the face. long dramatic pause, because she knows just a little bit too much about my life possibly twice" ...and then shows me the following spoken word piece on her spotify playlist: ~~~~~~~ **We never promised each other much, we were always just kind of touch and go. as if we knew we'd know that somehow we'd grow differently. so we did and we do and none of this is to say that it wasn't worth going through or that i care any less about you. shoulders to lean on are hard to come by. I know because there were times I would have broken my own neck just so that I'd have one of my own to cry on. And I remember when each finger was a pawn moving slowly across the chessboard of your body and we made each game last. Passed up each avenue of attack because neither one of us were trying to win So how do we begin again when that feels like now and this feels like then? When all I can do is tell you "if you've got something that needs saying, tonight I'm paying dues." I've got a pocket full of blues and two pennies to rub together Which means I'm wealthy enough that I can finally afford to pay attention. I'm listening. And I know right now I'm somehow like that kid sitting in math class, terribly aware of his first boner. It's hard. But difficulty has never been a good enough reason to describe the effort it takes to make the good times and the memories worth having. And they were and they are and I wouldn't have come this far if you weren't worth the sleepless nights where abandoned appetites of a heart, now rail-thin, because of the constant hunger strikes. In your absence, I'm finding value, because what starves you carves you, and I'm chipping away the rough edges of a statue built to memorialize everything we've been through. And when I'm done, I'm gonna set it against the backdrop of the sun and stare just no matter where I go, it'll always be etched into the back of my mind, stenciled in behind whatever future I have left to find. Maybe we were never meant to last. Maybe we're only meant to reflect fondly upon a past where we cast ourselves in the lead role of a one-year sitcom. One that had the critics standing, while putting hand to palm, in an ovation we're still getting curtain calls for. And the stage floor was a graveyard for the freshly cut roses that we waded through to take our bows and say thank you. It was beautiful. And it was and it is and none of it was ever show-biz. But we were waiting for lights to dim on a stage where we set ourselves to music. As if the swelling violins could ever mimic the hidden moments found in the theatre where we kept audiences stapled to their seats. And they watched us, looking for vacancies they could occupy in the spaces between our heartbeats, as if silence was a room for rent, and we both went "shh." But the beats themselves: they were loud enough to drown out the applause. And we laughed at the ushers left looking in the aisles for the dropped jaws of patrons who still can't believe we took time to find beauty in the flaws we possess. That there's only something better to be found in allowing our collective damage to coalesce. And all we confess of ourselves forever is that we will make it through this. We're gonna make it through this, like a big-ass jug of kool-aid with legs and arms busting through a brick wall to quench the thirst of our loneliness and say "fuck yeah." Yes, I miss you. When I'm not looking, the softest parts of me will issue restraining orders. Not the kind that define borders or boundaries; these are the kind that will keep me in place when I ask "please, call me when you get there." Because every somewhere I go to, is just another place that reminds me I miss you. And my broken heart is where I keep the scar-tissue that I used to dry my eyes when a tear tries to make a break for it. I've built my eyelids into an Alcatraz, where every prisoner has a parole board meeting scheduled for yesterday. And they played dominoes until time comes full circle, like a sunrise, and today tries to set them free because they'll be locked up here until I let them go, until it's safe to let you know you're my best friend. And that some things end so that other things can begin. Sometimes an ending can be an origin. That history is a resin that can keep two people stuck together, that change can be a tether if you let it. I'll always want to kiss you. Or touch you. Or do that thing that drives you crazy. And by that, I mean you literally go crazy when I call you "cranky pants." Sorry, but it makes me laugh. And that's important to someone who's given more than half of their life to tragedy. I keep your side of the bed empty with a just-in-case mentality of that hope's middle name is maybe and maybe you miss me too. One day, you and I are going to make it through this. And we'll look back and we'll realize that we have, and we did, promise. PROMISE--shane koyczan** ~~~~~ go ahead and take a minute take all the time you need because i needed fucking 20 minutes and i am pretty sure i stopped breathing we sat there in dead silence at almost 4 am on a dark as mountain road and she just held my hand while silent tears fell out of my stupid fucking face. because, like she knew she would be... she was not wrong. she was so very very not wrong. i got back to chicago on monday i have spent the last few days (still not writing) debating like...what to do with this. do i post it on Other Social Media? do i text a youtube link? do i tag everyone who crossed my mind as i listened to it the first time? (for the record, it is probably exactly who you expect, AND...other people you wouldnt so, there's been some unpacking too like "why them, though") do i sit in the corner of my shower and just cry about it for a while until it shifts from "pathetic" to "cathardic" and do i even remember where that line IS anymore? and like...sure i could direct send it but would they even read it? would they get it? would they understand? ...does it fucking matter what they think? and in all of the debating and unpacking i realized one thing: not really, no. things that resonate with ME, wont always register with Person X--certainly not always in the same way--and like...that is kind of okay, actually they dont have to get it its not for them its my thing other people will think its pretty cool, though and i can show them and those people will get excited...it only becomes problematic when Person X disregards that it resonates at all that is a dick move and like...if i, as a person. as a fucking force with which to be reckoned...resonate with so many people WHY should i keep trying to share that resonance with people who just kind of "meh" about it when i could just show it to the other people who think its pretty cool. so fuck it i will put it here and people can see it and they can think that its pretty cool or "meh" and thats ok but i should probably stop being my own Problematic Person X...

[ts-nightingaleislands]

Episode #9- “that was lowkey pretty fucked up soooo... fuck all you guys”- Kyle

The defeat feeling jumped out me! Yeah, I thought seeing Gwen leave was bad, but I still had Rizo. Now that he's gone, and I'm stuck with a mix of people who very clearly don't trust me is just...oof. Austin cant pretend any longer that his mindgame works on me, Cheatham is all about being safe, Kyle is cracked, AM/Sara/Liam I guess are thriving, Noah is probably not long and Vincent will probably end up as the last one around out of all of us. I feel like no matter what I try and do I'm just kinda stuck unable to get out the hole and it is a killjoy. I'm gonna let the defeatist attitude remain for the night and think on what to do to survive next!

Damn KYLE! Way to make a ass of yourself and become a target :) . I really hope I get to write his name down soon.

I think for right now Operation: Wolfsheep is needed. That is, I intend on infiltrating the Petrel alliance somehow. At the same time I am going to go to Cheatham and just say look, I get we we did not give you immunity and I can't change that. What I can change is how to act moving forward. He needs to realize there are sides to this game and the side he currently is flipping yo play for is going to cut him when everyone else is rip. So I am going to approach him and ask for a Final 2 deal. As abrupt as it would be, I'd be the only person who can say I dont have anyone else to work with. Besides, I have an argument to use against him in the F2 already BUT one thing at a time.

(LATER)

So far, Operation: Wolfsheep seems successful. Sara says she is willing to work with me and AnnMarie says she feels bad how dominating one side is doing and how dirty she did me thats rad. Now I think I am going to try and do Liam/Cheatham tomorrow just because doing everyone in the same day may be suspect

(MORE LATER-ER)

I always love acting like Im on the bottom but now I actually am haha its fun though as I can paint myself as a nonthreatening person and it look legitimate! So far AM I think is one key. Sara is the other for me. All I gotta do is make it to F7 and I have a chance to help turn this game around

I REALLY needed this immunity win.now do I take out someone who is tatgetting me (kyle) or take out someone I see as a big threat later (noah) ?

AnnMarie came and said she didnt want Austin to win so it at least tells me she is potentially sincere in wanting to work together. It also tells me that she may have realized she underestimate him. I talked with Noah and he is keen on us waiting til Final 7 to do anything. I told him we need to spend the next two votes buttering up to AnnMarie and Sara because they're our easiest shot to gaining some ounce of control later on- or at least something with hope!

(SUPER LATER)

AnnMarie said there was a group of 5 that had trust and all. Austin said there were 6. Now I can tell the people consist of some combo of Liam/Sara/AM/Austin/Cheatham. Noah remains a puzzle piece as I cant tell if he or Vincent are actually on the bottom as they claim to be. Nonetheless, Liam has said nada to me which is upsetting since people are keeping inactive people- great players dont need to rely on that but ya know!

(KINDA LATER PROBABLY)

Every time someone has blowup, my name is dropped and its comically hilarious because on one end I'm like oh okay this person has facts and then I'm like OH MY GOD NO SHUT UP FELICIA!

This time we're voting Noah out. He's a good player, and he's slid too far into the background that he could easily end up at the end. So if he's voted out now, which we almost certainly have the numbers for, the game should change considerably. He's easily the best vote here, because getting distracted and voting someone else is exactly how he ends up at the end, saying "come on guys how did this happen?" However, after Noah goes, it would be the final 8, and afaik Austin is really good with Liam/AM/Sara. I'm good with Cheatham. Chris and Kyle are wildcards, but I feel like if we tell Chris about the Noah vote he'd be more likely to vote with us. Kyle is not a good ally, so he's not worth picking up in almost every single scenario. The exception is when it's coming down to a single vote, which depending on what Austin does here, it almost certainly will. Kyle has said on too many occasions that he is targeting Austin's group, so if that's my objective he should go with me, and if he doesn't then he has lost absolutely all credibility and chances of getting any jury votes. So then in this hypothetical scenario, it's 4-4. What happens next? Two scenarios. One, Cheatham plays his idol. He is clearly unwilling to do this, and I will not tell him what to do with his idol. Two, we break up the trio. Cheatham thinks that we can get one of AM/Sara on our side, and if we can then we've successfully controlled the vote. However, I do not know if we'll be able to. I'm thinking ahead, because I feel like winners never look one step at a time when they are in a relatively good position (i.e. not fighting for their life every round). Hopefully it all works out!

I have to say, Austin/Vincent/Cheatham are not even hiding the fact they are together behind closed doors. It sorta makes me wonder how F8 goes because it seems like this really would just become Thrush vs Petrel...Kyle's now apparently a goat and shield but honestly if they plan on voting Noah out then I'm just going to put Kyle in his place. Vincent wants me on Noah though so let us see if anybody else will actually say his name!

So it's very quiet today and that's...spooky! Kyle calling myself and AnnMarie out is a mood. Kyle calling myself/AM/Liam a trio is an even bigger mood. And tbh...I've totally considered that 3 going to the end if at all possible....but now that it's been put out in the open people are gonna be legit sus...so if one of em gotta go...they gotta go. Just hopefully it isn't me... D:

The alliance of 5 is sticking together. Austin said he wants me for his final 2/3. Things are looking good, but I know for a fact that if I want to win this game, I can't stick with austin. He's doing too well and winning too much. If I stand a chance, I can't bestandinf next to him at the end.

This tribal could either be messy or straight forward?? Kyle's been spouting his mouth off again all day & I'm sick of it & i'm probably the most vocal about it because I quite frankly don't care about holding myself back when people are being annoying lmao. Hopefully tonight isn't the end of my journey & Kyle's just gonna get disregarded by everyone else, but this round is quiet, so I wouldn't be shocked with a blindside. Prayin for myself.

it has been a pretty uneventful week in the neighborhood. Kyle kinda I dug himself a grave at last tribal. So it is easy to act like he is the main target. Even though Noah is the one going home this week. I’m getting kind of pissed off however, because Kyle and Noah both brought up how they will be better jurors if i blindside them. so I guess just stay tuned!

7 votes Noah, 1 vote Kyle, 1 vote Liam.