#they both put it in their calendars that that needed to happen in june

[secretagentsagainstwhatever]

Troye Sivan and Ross Lynch got me out here blushing

[stars-and-the-min]

☆ the wrong way to hard launch (15) | OP81

summary : oscar's girlfriend is a walking pr problem for literally everyone (including herself) social media au

pairing : oscar piastri x zhou!fem!singer!oc

a/n tantalisingly close yet still a bit too far (first oscar podium of the season!!!) also btw this is gonna be my last post for a little bit, i'm in my exam season, i just wanted to let you guys know!

masterlist | last part | part 15 | next part (tba)

YOUTUBE

comments

omg proof of life

3:28 the subtle comedy of her being so close to the f1 world while being scared of going fast 😭

we need more interviews of her! she's an absolute delight to listen to

don't be shy, release the uncut version

choosing your bf over your literal blood-related cousin is lowkey wild ↳ i mean if you think about it like this: would you rather be driven at high speeds by your cousin who would mess with you or your boyfriend who worships the ground you walk on?

MESSAGES

from the phone of oscar piastri

INSTAGRAM

selinabui 🎵 Florence + The Machine · Cosmic Love | Florence, Italy

liked by oscarpiastri and 492,384 others

selinabui i took the stars from my eyes and then i made a map tagged: cameliazzz

oliviarodrigo obsessed with you 💜 ↳ selinabui @.oliviarodrigo liv, baby, we did not plan these tours well, were we aiming for missing each other by two days?

28kaslina24 the florence and the machine lyric caption >>>> WELCOME BACK QUEEN!!!

oscarpiastri Who'd you have dinner with looking that pretty? ↳ selinabui @.oscarpiastri just this f1 driver, i think he drives for mclaren ↳ landonorris @.selinabui yeah i had a blast at dinner 👍

tina_kim not 100% sold that this is actually her posting... why are they playing mind games with us ↳ pastry81 @tina_kim oscar commented so i remain cautiously optimistic

MESSAGES

from the phone of selina bui

TWITTER

piaa⁸¹ @ papayaeightyone · 2h oscar piastri trending on twitter for two reasons: getting adopted by charles leclerc and that video of him very unsubtly checking out his girlfriend ↳ piaa⁸¹ @ papayaeightyone · 2h i felt like i was intruding but also he was very very attractive in a way that is concerning

jackpot ☆ @slayridgo · 3h lina's reply to olivia's comment made me realise that taylor, olivia and empty bottles are just... bouncing around europe at the same time and that thought was so funny i just had to share it ↳ jackpot ☆ @slayridgo · 3h i have all three tour calendars open and they're narrowly missing each other by like a couple days- selivia are both in the same venue in paris in the SAME WEEK but EB is performing june 10-12 and olivia is june 14-15 but by june 15, EB are in amsterdam all while taylor is in the UK and after taylor's UK leg finishes, she's going to amsterdam which is the same time EB's UK round begins and while olivia's on break ↳ kayla @luna_apocolypse · 49m the music girlies are having a blast

june @linafesting · 2h wait not me just realising that EB's break almost perfectly coincides with the F1 summer break... ↳ june @linafesting · 2h where's that reddit theory that EB planned the tour around the F1 calendar, how long does it take to plan a tour???

INSTAGRAM

oscarpiastri Circuit de Monaco

liked by charles_leclerc and 277,486 others

oscarpiastri Feeling the Monégasque love this weekend 💛 tagged: mclaren, charles_leclerc, sennabrazil and institutoayrtonsenna

ninisf1diary Oscar Piastri-Leclerc 😭😭😭

piastri_lina pls don't fall victim to the monaco curse pls pls pls

TWITTER

opal @pxastrixxx · 7h SHE isn't even attending the monaco gp like figures... ↳ 🕯️manifesting EB3 🕯️@.linabelles · 4h fyi she can't go bc she's performing two sold-out shows milan on race weekend, you would know this if you used your brain

Kas 🎸 @EB_KAS · 3h got put in time out bc i laughed at lina when she walked into a doorframe, someone avenge me ↳ Lando Norris @.LandoNorris · 2h Did she happen to be on the phone with my teammate? ↳ Kas 🎸 @EB_KAS · 14m embarrassingly, yes

president linami @.linaminami · 7m i'm like crying wdym lina was so distracted on the phone with oscar she WALKED INTO A DOORFRAME ↳ president linami @.linaminami · 6m GIRLIE THIS IS SLIGHTLY PATHETIC GET OFF THE GROUND 😭

kayla @luna_apocolypse · 1h somewhere in milan selina bui is screaming bc jenson button is commentating the monaco grand prix ↳ pookie piastri @op81ln4 · 1h context??? ↳ kayla @luna_apocolypse · 47m omg sorry i forget that a lot more f1 fans follow me now 😭 lina had a massive childhood crush on jenson button, there's a photo of her like two inches from the tv staring at him

jess @OPIXSTRI · 21m why do lina and i have the same taste in men :) surely there has to be a jenson button to oscar piastri pipeline out there

INSTAGRAM

selinabui

liked by lukaszhang and 332,185 others

selinabui but it's the monaco grand prix! i never miss the grand prix!

emptybottlesbar All tuned in right before Milan Night 1 🙈

oscarpiastri How's your head? ↳ selinabui @.oscarpiastri i think u know from experience :) ↳ cameliazzz @.selinabui there are CHILDREN on this app

moonbeamlina got catfished by the selfie bc why was the rest just f1

TWITTER

TMD Tour News @EB-TMDTour · 2h A fan close to the stage interrupts the welcome speech to tell the band about the results of Formula 1 qualifying. I realise how crazy this sounds as I'm typing it up, but I'm being dead serious; congrats to Oscar for a P2 position! #TMDWorldTour ↳ lukas 🔛🔝 @lukiepookie28 · 2h i'm dying they just paused the show for the results, we're only one song into the show, lina's barely gotten thru introductions and then you just hear: "OSCAR P2!" like DAMN way to get her attention

EB Updates @emptybottles_news · 2h Fan: Oscar qualified P2! Lina: Huh? I heard Oscar, what's happening? Oh my god, is qualifying over, how'd it end up? Fan: Piastri P2! Leclerc on pole! Zhou P20! Lina: Oscar P2? *pause* There isn't anything being investigated is there? ↳ piaa⁸¹ @ papayaeightyone · 2h "there isn't anything being investigated is there" LMAO SHE'S TRAUMATISED FROM IMOLA 😭😭😭 ↳ kay ♡ @ blackcatluna · 1h zhou p20 hurt a little actually, she was so unfazed ↳ jules 🌿 @juliiaapxp · 53m i mean she clearly watched the practice sessions, she knows that the saubers have been dreadful this weekend, she probably expected that result

lina bui x2 grammy winner @urdaisea · 12m why was she so darn hot tonight... is this that famed oscar piastri effect?

president linami @ linaminami · 1h i need her biblically ngl why did that smirk make me blush so hard tonight, i've watched basically every show on these grainy ass live streams but tonight's one got me kicking my legs in the middle of the night

EB Bar @theemptybottlesbar · 23m hey... hey... how y'all doing? ↳ oscalina real ?! @emptyginbottles · 18m i've been tense since fp3 and now i'm being seduced by selina bui so i'm probably not doing very well mentally ↳ kay ♡ @ blackcatluna · 1h with all the love in my heart, tell them to stop being so hot

piaa⁸¹ @.papayaeightyone · 21m oscar is gonna open up this app with hundreds of thousands of EB fans down so bad for his girlfriend and he's gonna get it

INSTAGRAM

lukaszhang Milan, Italy

liked by liam_zhang and 300,496 others

lukaszhang post-show shenanigans tagged: eb_jonno, aidan_ebass, selinabui and cameliazzz

aidan_ebass some of us, i don't wanna name names, are becoming alcohol-dependent ↳ selinabui @aidan_ebass i'm not playing with u, it's jonny ↳ eb_jonno @.selinabui i can't be offended by something that i wholeheartedly agree with

cameliazzz for the record, i don't recall any of this

emptybottlesbar you can be drunk but never camilina ijbol drunk ↳ selinabui @emptybottlesbar you were born in the year 1993, this is embarrassing for everyone ↳ linasgirl4 @.selinabui SHE'S BACK TERRORISING HER MANAGEMENT ACCOUNTS I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER

TWITTER

pookie piastri @op81ln4 · 2h thoughts and prayers to lina bui bc she decided to have a concert in the middle of the monaco gp where her boyfriend starts from the front row ↳ emme @flowersforcami · 1h technically... the show starts at 5pm and the grand prix should end by like 4:45pm... she could very much so watch it ↳ camilina gfs fr @ drummergf · 1h unfortunately i think they run a soundcheck plus hair and makeup in the lead-up to the show, that's also the reason why she couldn't watch quali! it all takes a bit and cami has said that they eat lunch then start preparing for the show then have a quick dinner then often grab supper after the show ends

Formula 1 @.F1 · 5m 🔴 RED FLAG 🔴 Sainz runs off in Casino Square and there are three cars behind which have made contact #F1 #MonacoGP ↳ emme @flowersforcami · 2m lmao yeah no lina aint watching shit...

MESSAGES

from the phone of selina bui

TWITTER

TMD Tour News @EB-TMDTour · 1h Lina addresses Oscar Piastri's podium finish at the Monaco Grand Prix! "Guys, I know, you don't have to yell it up to me today, he texted me backstage during intermission." #TMDWorldTour ↳ lukas 🔛🔝 @lukiepookie28 · 1h LMAO I WAS LITERALLY WONDERING WHY INTERMISSION FELT SO LONG TONIGHT

opal @pxastrixxx · 1h oscar got his first podium of the season and does she even care? ↳ opal @pxastrixxx · 1h the whole race when it was cutting to the ferrari wags and absolutely nothing from the papaya garage... the silence was loud ngl ↳ piaa⁸¹ @papayaeightyone · 28m can you stop bringing her up if you clearly don't like her? she's in the middle of a world tour, she physically couldn't attend bc she's performing to 17000 people in milan, and fyi, she did care, she congratulated him in private, not everything about their relationship is a spectacle, get a fucking life :)

liv is SEEING EB LIVE!! @olivielina · 17m her comedic timing 😭 she's baiting us all, i swear... she started the encore with the most melodramatic sigh and the sweetest voice with the acoustic guitar, and then she pulled the rug out from under us all ↳ liv is SEEING EB LIVE!! @olivielina · 15m she said: oscar, if you're still watching... *a couple seconds of guitar strumming with an angelic smile, you think she's about to give the most lovely speech of how proud she is of him* stop 🥰 NOW IF I WERE OSCAR PIASTRI--

↳ kayla @luna_apocolypse · 2m he's so goofy sometimes it's so endearing like no wonder she's so down bad

emptybottles_official Italy

liked by emptybottlesbar and 310,182 others

emptybottles_official Florence and Milan, you guys were absolute DREAMS! This past week in Italy has been nothing short of magical, and we hope we lived up to the love you've shown us since our debut. These shows have been a long time coming for you guys! 🔜 Zürich, Switzerland 🇨🇭

emptybottlesbar ABSOLUTELY PHENOMENAL NIGHTS!!!

marie_h.sb the milan shows were a new kinda crazy

tina_kim italy has always loved them so much, my heart🥺

✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ:✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ:✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ:

taglist @ririyulife @ashy-kit @fionaschicken @namgification @cherry-piee @urfavsgf @eiaaasamantha @sp1rl @destinyg237 @iloveyou3000morgan

[astrojulia]

Mermaid's Guide to the Stars: Astrological Predictions for April 2023

April Calendar

April 3rd to June 11th - Mercury in Taurus

April 21st to May 15th - Mercury Rx in Taurus

April 6th - Libra Full Moon

April 11th to May 07th - Venus in Gemini

April 11th - Sun and Jupiter conjunction in Aries

April 13th - Waning moon in Capricorn

April 20th - Solar Eclipse/ New Moon in Aries

April 20th to May 21st - Sun in Taurus

April 27th - Waxing Moon in Leo

You can understand the basics of how to read astrological transits here (it's being updated little by little)

Aries Rising/ Sun

Hey siren! The predictions for April 2023 are pretty intense and will bring about some significant changes in various areas of your life. After possibly feeling a bit down in March, you'll find your energy and strength increasing, putting you in top form for the month. Your focus will shift to material and financial matters as Mercury moves these issues around for almost two months until June 11th. However, be careful of financial fraud from April 21st to May 15th as it's a prime time for cloning, loss, or confusion with credit cards.

In April, you'll have some time to reflect on your values, both personal and material, and Mercury might even help you come up with some new ideas for increasing your income. Take this time to think about your financial path so far and brainstorm ways to boost your income.

On April 7th, the Full Moon in Libra will bring some containment and clarity to your relationships, business, and work. If you're married, you may have discussed a big change or step with your partner recently. However, one of you might be hesitant about this expansion. If you have a business partner, they may also be resisting progress or starting a partnership.

April 11th will be a special day for all signs as Jupiter and the Sun are in conjunction in Aries, bringing some unexpected and positive events. For your sign, it'll feel like a crown has been placed on your head. Use this day to decide how you want your life to change and make it happen!

On April 20th, a Solar Eclipse will occur in Aries, bringing a window of opportunity that will transport you to a new reality of life. This eclipse will highlight your career and self-image, and you'll be thinking about the direction your life has taken so far and what you need to do to continue growing. This eclipse may also reset your self-image, leading to changes in your appearance, name, or relationship status. Pay attention to the week before and after the eclipse date, as it can bring significant changes to your love and work life. Also, keep an eye out for events on March 20th and May 20th, as they may reveal themselves as related to eclipses and may require adjustments and changes for the next 6 months.

On April 20th, the Sun will also begin its annual passage through Taurus, emphasizing your focus on material and financial matters. Be prepared for May to be just as busy as April.

Taurus Rising/ Sun

Hey siren! So, in April, your energy levels might be low which can affect your immunity. To avoid getting sick, make sure not to overwork or pack your schedule too tightly. Mercury moves into Taurus on April 3rd, which means it's a good time to focus on your health and self-care. However, during the retrograde period from April 21st to May 15th, it's better to reflect and analyze rather than making any drastic changes to your appearance or personal style. Keep an eye out for any old health problems that might resurface, and take care of them right away.

Don't go buying new clothes or changing your appearance during this time, as you might regret it later on. Remember, Mercury's stay in Taurus isn't all negative - it's an opportunity to reflect on your health and well-being. You'll start to realize how important taking care of yourself is, and that you can't ignore it. It's time to review any unhealthy habits and behaviors.

The Full Moon in Libra on April 7th might bring some resolution, but it could also hold you back from any promotions or advancements in your career. If you're planning to retire, you might need to wait a bit longer. But, this moon can also bring some stability, which is always a good thing.

The Sun-Jupiter conjunction on April 11th is going to be the luckiest day of the year! This day will bring unexpected and positive events, and it's a great time to start something new or put in some extra effort towards your goals. The Universe will take care of the rest.

The Solar Eclipse on April 20th could bring some major changes to your lifestyle and personal beliefs. It's important to pay attention one week before and one week after this date, as it might reveal some important events. This eclipse falls in the most secretive part of your chart, so there's a chance that you might uncover a secret someone has been keeping from you. But don't worry, eclipses usually work to protect us. It's also possible that this eclipse will help you see things in a new light, and make some changes to your beliefs and philosophies.

On the same day as the eclipse, the Sun moves into Taurus, which is great news for your health! You'll start to feel stronger and more energetic. Don't worry if you felt a bit low in April - things will start to pick up again in May.

Gemini Rising/ Sun

Hey siren! April is going to be an exciting month for you! You'll be receiving invitations to events, parties and making new friends. You may feel a strong desire to be more active socially and embrace new experiences. However, you may also find that you want to focus on your mental health and wellbeing. Mercury enters Taurus on April 3rd and stays there until June 11th. During its stay, it will be in retrograde from April 21st to May 15th. This could be a great time to evaluate your emotional and psychological health and research available therapies, but avoid starting any new therapies during this period. Instead, Mercury can help you become more intuitive and creative.

On April 7th, the Full Moon will be in Libra and may bring about a containment accompanied by a definition. Venus enters Gemini on April 11th and stays there until May 7th. This will be a great time to improve your image and appearance, but avoid any aggressive cosmetic procedures after April 21st, as Mercury will be in retrograde.

Also on April 11th there will be the Great Conjunction of the Sun and Jupiter in the sign of Aries. Being in the sign of Aries, this period is more than perfect to start something new in your life, start on that day the lifestyle you want to live in the future because the blessings of it working out are much greater.

A Solar eclipse occurs on April 20th in Aries, coinciding with a New Moon. This may represent a window of opportunity for you to open a new chapter in your life, particularly related to your groups and friendships. The eclipse may also bring about changes to your social circle, allowing you to make new friends that align more with your lifestyle. Eclipses are always powerful events, and you should pay attention to the week before and after that date, as well as the events that occur on March 20th and May 20th.

Finally, on April 20th, the Sun begins its annual passage through Taurus, where it will remain until May 21st. This is a great time to focus on your emotional and psychological health, and allow yourself to withdraw when needed.

Cancer Rising/ Sun

Hey siren! This month is all about celebrating your success in your career and work life. March was a blast with all the training, courses, advertising and even work or study trips. You must have felt like a total superstar in your career, but now it's time to switch gears and focus on having some fun and socializing.

For the next 2 months until June 11th, Mercury is going to be all about helping you make new friends and strengthening your existing relationships. It's possible that you've been so busy with your career that you've forgotten the importance of having a good time with your buddies. This period might be the perfect time to catch up with old friends and even make new ones. Who knows, you might even bump into an old friend you haven't seen in ages and feel a wave of nostalgia and joy.

The Full Moon in Libra on April 6th is going to bring a major decision regarding your home and family, like maybe moving or buying some real estate. If there was any family drama in March, don't worry, it will all be sorted out this month. Maybe your folks need your help moving, or they're considering a big change in their lives. Whatever it is, it's going to be important and it might even have a significant impact on your future.

When Venus enters Gemini on April 11th, it's going to be all about self-care and enjoying your alone time. You might feel like taking a break from your routine and spending some time meditating or reflecting on life. You might even start to appreciate your own company more than ever and find peace in being alone.

On April 11th, the Sun and Jupiter are going to be in conjunction in Aries, which is going to bring some exciting opportunities for all signs and ascendants. This day is going to be like hitting the jackpot, with unexpected and positive events happening all around you. It's the luckiest day of the year, so don't waste it! If you're looking for a new job or want to start a new project, this would be the perfect day to do it.

The solar eclipse in Aries on April 20th marks a new beginning in your career, but it might require some sacrifice. This eclipse is asking you to give up something in order to achieve something bigger and better for your career. You might have to quit your current job or take on more responsibility, but it's all for the greater good. Keep an eye out for events related to eclipses in the week before and after the eclipse date, as they could have significant consequences.

The Sun in Taurus from April 20th to May 21st is going to highlight the importance of having fun, socializing, and making a difference in the world. This is the time to enjoy life and focus on making a positive impact in the world. So go out there and have some fun while making a difference!

Leo Rising/ Sun

Hey siren! March may have been about travel and studying, but April is about putting what you've learned into practice and achieving your professional goals. Mercury enters Taurus on April 03rd and will remain in this position for almost 2 months, which means that it's an excellent time to reflect on your career trajectory and create new solutions for your professional life.

However, from April 21st to May 15th, it's essential to be careful when signing any work-related document and avoid making presentations or attending interviews. This period isn't suitable for new beginnings, so it's better to steer clear of it. Also, ensure that you have understood everything you are reading before signing any document, and by all means, don't sign anything without reading it.

Despite these precautions, Mercury's long stay in Taurus can help you reflect on your career path and create new solutions for your professional life. During this time, you can think of new ways to use your skills in the world and make progress in your career. It's a time of deep review of your vocation and purpose in the world, and Mercury can even help you plan a career realignment.

On April 7th, the full moon in Libra may bring some setbacks to your plans to study or move to another city or country, but it's not an obstacle. The restraint indicated by the moon can ask you to slow down or delay some accomplishments, perhaps to resolve an issue involving contracts or documentation.

On April 11th, Jupiter and the Sun will be in conjunction in the sign of Aries, bringing unexpected and positive events that reveal situations that for many would be impossible to happen. This day will be special for all signs and ascendants and will shed light on foreign people and places. Even amidst setbacks, like those brought by the full moon, you may be on your way to the trip of your dreams or at least buying it. You're likely to come across a travel offer or package that you won't want to miss.

The Eclipse on April 20th will arrive in Aries, come close to Jupiter, and tense for Pluto and will probably touch on issues such as long-distance travel, immigration, citizenship, and foreign residency, as well as college and postgraduate opportunities and legal processes. If you were discussing a legal issue or in a judicial process, you will likely receive news about the case that benefits you in some way. If you were waiting for some foreign document or even the ideal date to move to another state or country, then the path to that change will open up now.

Starting on April 20th, the Sun is gonna cruise through Taurus until May 21st, which means something important! This month, you've been getting a nudge to pay attention to your career and work life, and this is gonna crank that up a notch. Take a minute to think about what your heart truly desires, and where you wanna go with your professional goals. It's a time to really reflect and get clear on what you want.

Virgo Rising/ Sun

Hey siren!So, in April, you're gonna be all about the cash, money, and material things, especially after dealing with all those fees, taxes, financing, and debts in March. But don't worry, those worries will start to go away in April, and you can finally focus on getting your finances all sorted out and secure for the future.

As for your thoughts, they're gonna turn to travel and long-distance relationships, because Mercury is entering Taurus on April 3rd and it's gonna stick around there for almost 2 months. However, it's gonna be retrograde for the entire time from April 21st to May 15th, so don't plan any trips or vacations during that time, 'cause it could mess everything up. Instead, use that time to reflect on your life and maybe learn something new, like a new language or something cool about yourself.

On April 7th, the Full Moon in Libra might mark the end of a business partnership or a source of income. It might be a stressful time, but sometimes things have to end for new things to start.

On April 11th, Jupiter and the Sun are gonna be in conjunction, and that means unexpected and positive things are gonna happen related to money and material things. It's a super rare event, and all signs and ascendants are gonna feel its effects. Money might even fall from the sky that day, bringing good news about loans, credit, insurance, and even inheritances or property. Just be careful though,if you're thinking about quitting your job, make sure you've got other sources of income to support yourself.

On April 20th, there's gonna be a solar eclipse in Aries, and that's gonna bring some rewards your way, like a good chunk of money or something else valuable related to your past. It might be related to something you've been working on for a long time, and now you're finally gonna see the payoff. But be careful, because this eclipse is gonna be tense for Pluto, and that might bring up some tough feelings or require you to let go of something.

The month ends with you dreaming about vacation and travel, with the Sun moving into Taurus on April 20th. This is gonna keep reinforcing the trend from the rest of the month, and you can start planning a nice, relaxing trip.

Libra Rising/ Sun

Hey siren! In April, you might be feeling a bit exhausted and emotionally drained after putting a lot of effort into dealing with other people in March, especially when it comes to marriage, work partnerships, and business. But don't worry, these things will still be important in April, and you'll start to see them as a resolution to live by.

The first few weeks of April will focus on debt, spending, and all things money-related. Mercury will be in Taurus from April 3rd to June 11th, which is a pretty long time! Just keep in mind that from April 21st to May 15th, Mercury will be retrograde. So, be careful when closing contracts, especially those that involve money. If you take on a debt during this time, you might be surprised by additional fees and charges. It's best to wait until the second half of May to make any major decisions.

But don't worry, Mercury's stay in Taurus isn't all bad news! It can actually help you reflect on your finances and identify areas where you're overspending or bleeding money. You can even use this time to organize your finances and negotiate with creditors. Just don't rush into anything.

On April 7th, there will be a Full Moon in Libra, which will help resolve any issues related to changing residence that have been on your mind since the beginning of the year. If you're in a committed relationship, this decision might have caused some disagreement, but now you'll finally come to a consensus.

April 11th is going to be the luckiest day of the year! The Sun and Jupiter will conjunct, bringing unexpected and positive events for everyone. So, take advantage of this day to start something new, make an extra effort towards your goals, or take a first step towards something you've been wanting. You might even be surprised by a marriage proposal, a date invitation, or a business partnership offer. Venus is entering Gemini on April 11th too and staying until May 7th. It's a good time to start a new life in a new city or country. If you're single, you might meet someone from far away who makes your heart skip a beat. If you're planning to move or travel in April, do it before April 21st because Mercury is going retrograde and things might get crazy.

The solar eclipse on April 20th will bring new beginnings in relationships and business partnerships, but it might also mean the end of something to make way for something new. This eclipse will happen in Aries, close to Jupiter and tense for Pluto, so expect some changes in your romantic or business life. You might get married, or you might decide to end a relationship that's been holding you back. This is also a great time to find the right business partner or expert to help take your work life to the next level.

On April 20th, the Sun will also start its annual passage through Taurus, where it will stay until May 21st.This reinforces the importance of paying attention to your finances, especially debts and investments. The Sun will help you clarify any issues and prepare the ground for a new beginning.

Scorpio Rising/ Sun

Hey siren!In April you'll probably start feeling more energized thanks to the new diet or workout program you started last month. As you get stronger and healthier, you'll start thinking more about your relationships, both at work and in your love life.

Mercury's gonna be in Taurus for a loooong time this month - almost two months, from April 3rd to June 11th. But from April 21st to May 15th it'll be in retrograde, which means you gotta be careful with starting new projects, signing contracts, or getting married. Take this time to reflect on past relationships instead.

The full moon in Libra on April 7th is a sign that you're finally finishing up a work project you've been working on for a while. You might still need to tweak a few things before it's ready to show off, though.

On April 11th, Venus is moving into Gemini and it's a great time to see some financial growth. You might get a bonus or a prize if you're working for someone else, or if you have your own business, you could see some major profits.

This is a really special month because April 11th is the luckiest day of the year! Jupiter and the Sun are gonna be in conjunction in Aries, which means good things are coming your way. If you're thinking about starting a new job or business, this is the perfect day to do it. And it's also a great day for your health, so you might see some improvements there too.

But watch out for the solar eclipse in Aries on April 20th. It could bring some changes to your work life over the next six months. Keep an eye out for events a week before and after the eclipse - they could reveal some important information. On the same day as the eclipse, the Sun moves into Taurus, which means you'll be focusing on your committed relationships. Use this time to figure out who's really there for you and who isn't.

Sagittarius Rising/ Sun

Hey siren! April is going to bring some changes in energy from what you've been feeling in March. Your focus is going to shift to your routine and work gradually, so keep that in mind. Mercury is going to enter Taurus on April 3rd and stay there for almost two months until June 11th. If you plan to change your work routine, start a new job, or adopt healthier habits, it's best to do it before April 21st or after May 16th.

The Full Moon in Libra on April 7th will bring some closure to a situation that started in March. This situation may involve a close friend or an adult child, and it could be related to a confirmed pregnancy or change of residence. This Moon may bring some distance into your life and might change some plans you made for the future. Perhaps you and your friend were thinking about participating in an event or developing a project together, but with the pregnancy, change of residence, or commitment assumed by this person, your plans will need to be redirected.

On April 11th, the Sun will meet Jupiter, which is considered the luckiest day of the year, and it will bring positive energy to love and romance. If you are already in a committed relationship, take the time to do something romantic with your partner. If you are single, it is possible that you will meet someone special that day. Also, it's a good day to place a lottery bet or participate in some sort of raffle, as your luck will be at an all-time high.

On the same day, Venus will enter Gemini, benefiting committed relationships. If you are married, it will become more romantic. If you are in an informal courtship or romance, you may feel the relationship evolve and become more committed.

The solar eclipse in Aries on April 20th will be a powerful event that could bring significant changes in your romantic life. If you are dating or in an informal romance, you may have a falling out with someone you are in a serious relationship with, and this may involve money. If you are not in a relationship, it's possible that you will meet someone new with whom you will end up having a strong relationship in the future. Also, if you already have children, you may be surprised with a school or welfare need that demands unexpected expenses.

Starting on the 20th of April, the Sun will cruise through Taurus, and it's all about work and routine. You might find yourself feeling more productive, organized, and healthy during this period because these things will be on your mind. It's a great chance to take a good look at your work routine and see how you can make it healthier and more productive.

Capricorn Rising/ Sun

Hey siren! So, in April you might be getting a new home or selling your property, or even moving into a new house. March might have been an exciting month for you when it comes to real estate and family matters. Now that these issues are resolved, you can focus on your kids and personal projects that bring out your inner child. You can even take some time off for leisure now.

Mercury enters Taurus on April 3rd and it will stay there for almost 2 months.During this period, you might realize that you've been too focused on real estate negotiations and family issues, and you forgot to take some time for yourself. The retrograde period from April 21st to May 15th could be marked by a comeback of personal projects that you do for fun and pleasure. If you have kids and you haven't seen them in a while, this could be a great time to get back in touch with them. You could also use this time to resolve conflicts that may have caused some distance between you and your children.

On April 7th, there will be a Full Moon in Libra, which might be tense with Jupiter. This could mean that you're closing a chapter in your career and professional life. Maybe you're leaving an old job to start a new one or leaving a company to take a new opportunity. This Moon might be a bit heavy because it also talks about distance. Sometimes, to continue a professional relationship, you need to be in a certain place in the world, but you can't or don't want to be there anymore, so you decide to end it.

On April 11th, Venus will enter the sign of Gemini and stay there until 05/07. This will help you improve your health and make your day-to-day life healthier. You might feel a considerable reduction in stress, and your day might become lighter. You might even reduce your workload, which will give you time to take care of yourself, your health, and your well-being. We spend so much time working and producing that we sometimes forget to take care of ourselves. This is your opportunity to rest and review your life.

April 11th is going to be special for you and your family. You might receive some awesome news, like a new addition to the family, or finally getting the keys to your dream home! This is a time to think big and see your life taking a big step forward in terms of home and family.

On April 20th, there will be a solar eclipse in the sign of Aries. Don't worry, not all eclipses are scary. This one is actually going to be a gift! Solar eclipses always bring new opportunities and changes, and this one will be no different. It might ask for some adjustments in your life, but that's just part of the process.

This eclipse might bring news that you have to move suddenly, but it's not going to be harmful. Maybe you'll find the perfect new home, or a roommate might suddenly move out. Also, be prepared for the possibility that a family member might need your help or advice.

On the same day as the eclipse, the Sun will begin its annual passage through Taurus. This will be a great time to focus on leisure, romance, and fun. If you have a lover, your passion might increase, and if you're single, this might be the time when a new romance starts to develop. So, get ready to have some fun!

Aquarius Rising/ Sun

Hey siren!In April you'll be all about family and home! March was a pain with all the paperwork, but now you're looking for stability and security. Mercury's entering Taurus on April 3rd and will stick around for almost two months.During this time, you should avoid signing any documents related to real estate or housing. From April 21st to May 15th Mercury will be retrograde, so you might end up regretting the contract or getting tricked. If you've got any paperwork to sort out, try to do it in the first half of April or leave it until later.

Mercury's extended stay in Taurus might help bring you closer to your family. If you haven't seen certain family members in a while, now is the time to reconnect and hang out. The Full Moon in Libra on the 7th is a good time for closure or maybe even changing where you live or work.

Get ready for April 11th, when Jupiter and the Sun will be in conjunction in the sign of Aries, bringing lots of luck and success in communication. It's the perfect time to present a thesis, write a book or article, apply for something that depends on your communication skills, or even take a test or exam.

Venus enters Gemini on the 11th, which is a great time for romance and fun. Your relationship with your partner might improve a lot during this time, and if you have kids, you can spend some quality time with them.

The Solar Eclipse in Aries on April 20th opens up the possibility of an unexpected trip or some good news related to teaching. Solar eclipses always represent a new opportunity that opens up, but they also require some adjustments to be made.

On the same day as the eclipse, the Sun will start its annual passage through the sign of Taurus where it will remain until May 21st. This transit reinforces the theme of family and home. You might be thinking about settling in a particular city for a more permanent stay.

Pisces Rising/ Sun

Hey siren!So April is gonna be a good month for you to focus on getting some extra cash flow. The stars are saying that you might have been stressing about money in March, but things should start looking up now. You could even consider taking a little break or learning something new to help you relax and improve your skills.

Mercury's gonna be in Taurus for almost two months starting on April 3rd, so you might end up traveling more than usual. Just watch out for any bumps in the road during the retrograde period from April 21st to May 15th.

Now about communication, this could also be a great time to reconnect with your siblings or work on your public speaking skills. Just make sure to do it before or after Mercury's retrograde period.

On April 7th, there's gonna be a Full Moon in Libra, which could help wrap up any legal or partnership issues you might have been dealing with. If you've been going through a property dispute or inheritance battle, this Moon might bring some resolution.

Venus is moving into Gemini on April 11th and staying there till May 7th. And this move will totally upgrade your living space! Your home's gonna be prettier, cozier, and even more luxurious. But if you're planning any renovations, make sure you do it before April 21st.

And get ready for some big financial news on April 11th, when Jupiter and the Sun team up for some unexpected opportunities. This could be the perfect day to ask for a raise or start a new money-making venture.

But be aware that on April 20th, there's gonna be a solar eclipse in Aries, which could bring some sudden changes to your financial situation. It might seem scary at first, but this eclipse could actually be a good thing and open up new doors for you. Just keep an eye out before and after the eclipse to make sure you're taking advantage of any opportunities.

On April 20th to May 21st Sun will be in Taurus. This is gonna make you more open to new learnings, which has been a theme throughout the month, and it'll be back in focus again as the month draws to a close.

Sources:

[24] Astronalia | Mariane Chagas. Disponível em:https://www.youtube.com/@astronalia . Acesso em: 29 mar. 2023.

Dividers Arts//Dividers Wings

[iplaywithstring]

My daughter graduates June 24

Prom is on the 19th (18th? It's on the calendar, it's fine)

The dress isn't finished yet

Sleeves need to be finished and sewn into lining

Outer bodice needs sewn together

Outer and lining need to be sewn together

Bertha needs to be draped

Bertha needs to be attached

Gromits need to be put into bodice

I realize none of these steps are super huge, but also none of them have been able to happen this week. For example, the sleeves are drafted, but my kid isn't here so I can't measure for the cuffs, so I can't finish them.

The kid wants to sew the bodice together (now that I've done the tricky bit), and the other steps need that to happen first.

Also I probably could manage to mostly drape a bertha based on the bodice measurements, but it would be much easier to do with the kid in the dress.....so we wait.

Plus I'm planning the grad party

Also I'm doing a class but the proff is behind in posting videos which i need to watch to complete my assignment due on Sunday. So, that's fun.

And I've been not feeling well this week- two ocular migraines + one regular migraine with aura (the difference between ocular migraine and migraine with aura is that the aura is in both eyes/still there when you close your eyes, ocular migraine is in one eye - aura happens in the brain, ocular migraine is actually happening in the eye).

So basically I'm stressed and restless and not feeling very productive at all. But I can get some other homework done, so that's my plan for now, and then hopefully sewing after the kid gets home.

[centralkvetchmonolith]

Jaz sent me a TikTokTM

This particular TikTokTM is a cover of "I'm On Fire", by Bruce Springsteen, which cover is performed by a 22yo with the thesis "dad rock and lesbian indie are essentially the same thing".

As is typical, I said something about the vibes which made perfect sense to me but was impenetrable to my conversational partner. This, uh, caused me to wax poetical about what I meant, which is ALSO very typical, specifically for when I am talking about Bruce Springsteen songs.

To wit: "Springsteen's sheets are soaking wet because of the sort of desire that bubbles up against the stifling heat of the waning summer; the restless kind that would drive someone out to the hills on the off chance that SOMETHING could happen tonight. Thea's sheets are soaking wet because of the febrile tossing and turning that one does in the first week the boiler is switched on for one's apartment; it's a desire that turns in tightening gyre and doesn't want to move but laments the lack of movement anyway."

Thinking this hard about something I'm already autistic about triggered the dreaded hyperfixation, and so of course I immediately started listening to all the covers I could get my gay little hands on via Spotify, and assigning them months.

Soccer Mommy is April: I'm not sure for what their desire burns, but maybe they aren't either Electrelane is late July: The mumbled drudgery of summer gains steam over the course of the song; by the end the energy that's been building slowly the whole time has bloomed in a revelry in the joy of desire, much like the heat that's been building over the course of the month & season. Bat For Lashes changed the lyrics to make it straight, and embodies December. There's an arcane quality to how she sings this song, like the plodding dark of the solstice. Her desire is to feel worthy of inclusion in winter, despite being so early in the meteorological season. Chromatics is February: The desire here is buffeted about between thaw and freeze; these sheets are soaking wet from sleety rain and the hope for what could come after. Gus Dapperton is FAITHFUL to the original, putting them solidly in September. Where it differs from Springsteen's song, it is with an eager energy that hopes for reinvention. Shakey Graves has the most inventive cover so far, netting June. I heard he killed a guy. The Staves is the band that Thea Grace was shouting out, but they're distinctly March. Their sheets are soaking wet with the meltwater of the very end of the month; their desire is cooled, but by the runoff of the love they already have - no need to chase after the unobtainable. Cassandra Violet's version sure is for a motion picture (Pig???!?); the energy here is all montage. I wanna say October? AWOLNATION is January; their desire throbs like the first tension headache one gets from a truly cold day. I'm starting to have trouble focusing (blame it on my ADD) and we're running out of months, so I don't know that there will be many more. Low is late October: The Halloween spirit thrums through this song like holding hands with a girl while you both watch your first R-rated scary movie. Town Mountain has August energy…it's finally another novel take on this song, though it's distinctly "bluegrass band booked some studio recording time and sounds nothing like they did at the house concert you saw them at" so I hesitate to call it inventive. OKAY LAST ONE BECAUSE THERE ARE LIKE FIFTY OF THESE: CLAVVS is May. No I didn't pick that just because it's the only month left. No I will not elaborate on my reasons.

Here they are in chronological order according to the Hebrew calendar, ya sluts. Thanks for reading this whole thing.

P.S.: Jaz sent me the video in the first place because of my literary analysis of Springsteen's work as transfeminine and sapphic (specifically butch); there's just something about the way he says "hey little girl is your d*ddy home" that feels less like male territoriality and more like the conspiratorial wink of a dyke hoping to see you in your own right. Too, the way the narrator's class fundamentally alienates him from the (married, wealthy) object of affection and (wealthy, WASPy) masculinity mirrors the fundamental alienation that a butch woman might feel from her (presumed straight, at the very least femme) object of affection and (wealthy, male) masculine aesthetics. Look at the music video! The narrator hopes for a moment of understanding even across these gulfs!! The object of affection longs just as much, just as impossibly!!! This too is yuri!!!!!!!

[tabbyclaw]

A look forward

Another trip around the sun, another flip of the calendar. Another year gone by, and it's time to take a look back at it and see what you did. Last year around this time (well, all right, technically earlier this year, but shhh), I posted a recap of all the fic I posted in 2021, with a little bit of commentary on each one. I'm not gonna do that this year, because, well, you can take a look at my posting history and guess why. I participated in Mayura May and ran it into June, and... that's it. And I'm pleased with most of the stories I wrote for that (especially Blackened Lips, which was my favorite of the ideas that I had and it came out on the page pretty much exactly how I wanted it to go in my head), but they seem to have completely sucked up this year's supply of whatever magic it is that lets me grab hold of an idea and actually write and post it quickly. I've still been writing this whole time, I just haven't finished anything yet. It's all been long stories coming out of my head, or ones that are fighting me at every turn, or ones that get halfway written before I realize they need to simmer a little while longer. All of which I hope, with varying degrees of confidence, to actually finish and get into a presentable state eventually. And so, instead of looking back on this year and feeling like I should have accomplished more, it's time to look forward and talk about what I hope to accomplish in 2023. This isn't a road map, or a promise, or even a plan; this is me taking some of the ideas out of my head and putting them down on paper in a form where I can hype myself up for them and hopefully give the rest of you a teaser for what might be upcoming. I hope you're looking forward to seeing how it goes as much as I am.

First off, despite the fact that I just said nothing is set in stone I can tell you what the first thing you're going to be getting out of me is, because I'm going to be signing up for the Candy Hearts Exchange. It's this year's replacement for Chocolate Box, a short, low-minimum exchange focusing on relationships between characters, romantic or platonic, with a culture that encourages writing treats for multiple people, which I hope to be able to do. (And, yes, I will be posting a letter once I finalize my signups.) It's the first multifandom exchange I've done since 2009, and if it goes well maybe it won't be the last one I do this year, either.

That's the only thing with any kind of timeline attached to it, so my other thoughts are going to come in a scramble that's mostly organized by fandom and also by when I thought of it as I was writing this.

First off, the one that's been hanging over me: Yes, I am still working on editing the Gin and Bear It sequel. I don't know why it's fighting me this hard, but it turned out that a large chunk of the middle had to be rewritten from the ground up and now parts of it are back at square one. It will be finished, because I'm not going to go this far and stop just before the finish line, but it may still be a while. There is also the third fic in this series that I've hinted at, and that is also still happening. It's going to be a much smaller one, probably even shorter than the first one, and I've already been working on it between other projects. Those are the only two Oxventure thoughts that are really on my plate right now, but I can't promise I won't think of more down the line, and even though Oxventure in the Dark is a closed canon now that doesn't mean I might not still have some thoughts about that, too. So much worldbuilding in so little space, and so much still to be done with it both before and after the end.

Next up, and occupying a pretty large fraction of my writing brain at the moment, are some of my oldest friends. Yes, as I alluded to a couple months ago, that dormant but ever-present bit of me that's always ready to write Drakken/Shego has woken up in a big way lately. I've already got something relatively short mostly finished, a quiet little post-finale piece full of feelings and awkward moments, not to mention a few plants. That one's mostly done; it's one of the ones I mentioned earlier that just needs to simmer for a bit before the ending really comes together, and then I hope I'll have it polished and ready to share soon. But there's also at least one longer fic on the far horizon; I've already got an outline and the first few thousand words of setup (yeah, this is why editing takes me a while) down on the page. I don't want to say too much about that one, though, because it's a long way off and there are large parts of it that will benefit from being kept secret. Aside from those two, which are more concrete, there is a constant swirling in my head of other possible ideas that I've fleshed out far less and which are just waiting for their time. Maybe this will finally be the year of the competitive fake dating duology, because these two need to be tormented by both their families as well as each other, or maybe it will be time for something else entirely. (I saw the idea @souljellied mentioned about a body swap for these two, and while I'm not going to step on your toes it definitely gave me some thoughts!)

On the topic of other evil power couples, I have no particular thoughts at the moment about Miraculous Ladybug, at least none that are solid enough to make any commentary about at the moment. The ongoing shakeups of season 5 (I still haven't seen it but this is the internet and spoilers are inevitable) have a lot of potential, though, and there have been a lot of rumblings in my head of "You could do something with that, for sure." It's just a matter of seeing which ones, if any, come to fruition. Watch this space, as always, and ideally there will be something in it later.

But those are just the sandboxes I've been playing in the most frequently as of late, and the ones I figure people will expect me to have something to say about (and the ones I expect myself to have something to say about, come to that.) It's by no means an exhaustive list of the things I might end up chewing on, whether new or old. Willow and Steel still lives in that strange netherworld in my head of 'things I don't know if I'm done with yet,' and there's the start of a 'Roxanne gets Metro Man's superpowers instead' AU that's been on the back burner for a good long while now that I've been wanting to get back to. To say nothing of the various original fiction ideas that are always lurking, and which might or might not see the light of day here even if they do start to come to life, because if I come up with something that feels like it could be marketable I will absolutely try to sell it just to have had the experience of doing so. And of course this is just what I'm thinking about right now, before the year has even started, and who knows what other ideas are going to catch my eye, and what other fandoms will creep up on me from out of the woodwork. It's always an adventure trying to figure out where the hell I'm going, especially for me.

It's a new year, or it will be soon enough. Let's see where it's gonna take me.

[thetoxicgamer]

Karmine Corp to Come Out on Top, Drx to Defeat Bbl Esports, Perhaps an Upset Over CLOUD9?: George’s Vct Lock//in Predictions for Day 2

Day one of the first international VALORANT event of the year saw comebacks and stomps, and day two may follow suit. The VCT LOCK//IN tournament continues today with Karmine Corp set to face off against FunPlus Phoenix while DRX will play BBL Esports and Cloud9 will take on Paper Rex. Three of these teams will be sent home while the other three will continue in the single-elimination Alpha bracket. Here are my predictions for today’s matches at the VCT LOCK//IN tournament. Karmine Corp vs. FunPlus PhoenixI’m not going to pretend I know everything about the Chinese teams coming into this event—I don’t suppose the majority of the players know much, either. Despite this, we have some relevant results to go off when it comes to the caliber of the region. EDward Gaming, who were taken down by FunPlus Phoenix in the FGC VALORANT invitational tournament in December, took part in Champions 2022, the most prestigious event on the calendar. They had a pretty tight game against Paper Rex but were eventually defeated 2-1. Against Liquid, it got dicey in the second map, but EDG were defeated 2-0. The problem is that we’re talking about FPX, not EDG. Both teams look relatively similar on paper in terms of skill level, but we’ve never seen FPX on the international stage, which is a lot different than regional matchups. Karmine Corp, on the other hand, has one of the most known and prolific fraggers in FPS esports history in ScreaM, who actually took up the in-game leader role for his team. I don’t expect them to make it deep into the tournament, but this should be a win for them. Karmine Corp has both ScreaM and Nivera, two players who have competed at the highest level in VALORANT, while Ryad “SHIN” Ensaad was brought in from the previous KCorp iteration. He looked solid considering he was playing a bunch of different agents. Former MAD Lions player xms is on the KCorp roster, too, and he hard-carried his former team. At the last tournament he competed in, the VRL France: Revolution – Stage Two, he had the highest rating of any player with a 1.32 and a respectable 250.9 average combat score, according to VLR.gg. I expect xms to be at the forefront of the roster’s firepower. The blue wall is nothing to scoff at, and they’ve got a decent roster to cheer for. I expect KCorp to take this match. George’s prediction: 2-0 Karmine CorpBBL Esports vs. DRXDRX have a lot of eyes on them at this event. They seem to only lose against international opponents and continuously dominate the APAC region. After all, the roster is the birthchild of the infamous Vision Strikers team. They need to perform well to break through the final hurdle that has kept them from an international trophy since their inception. Do I expect this to happen at the largest international VALORANT tournament ever held? Maybe. DRX have a relatively easy start to the tournament, all things considered. BBL Esports are pretty middle of the pack in the EMEA region with mediocre results. If they were coming up against Team Liquid, Natus Vincere, or Fnatic, I would’ve felt different. BBL Esports were defeated by Giants last November as their most recent match. On the other hand, DRX took part in the ONE Pro Invitational tournament in December and won both their matchups against DetonatioN FocusMe and ZETA Division. I expect BBL Esports to put up a fight but I don’t see them taking a victory against one of the best teams in the world. Early prediction: DRX will bomb out of this tournament after the second or third round and go on to win Masters Tokyo later this year in June. I know, pretty bold, right? Fans from across the globe can probably share my sentiment, they need to show they can hang with the very best. Nonetheless, I expect DRX to take first blood, at the very least. George’s prediction: 2-0 DRXCloud9 vs. Paper RexNow, this is the big one. Here’s a matchup that will see one of the best teams in North America come up against one of the best from APAC. Read the full article

[starsfic]

prompt: Tang, Pigsy and Wukong hearing Xiaotian cry out for help, and they assume a demon had ambushed him but turns out it's a little wore than that: demons his age wants to court him and is just barely behind the noddle boy's tut tut

It was the day.

It had been marked on the calendar for three years now. The first day of summer, June 21st. The beginning of the demon courting season.

Pigsy kept careful track of this season. He had his partner, Tang, and now Wukong, thus putting all three out of the running. But the issue lay with the young man who lived over the noodle shop.

Qi Xiaotian was a handsome and pretty young man. He was a hard worker (most of the time) and had a cheerful and warm personality. A lot of people would want to court him. Pigsy couldn't count the number of times he had to kick some asshole who didn't understand the word "No." out. The courting season was even worse.

But Pigsy and Tang had set a routine.

"So, you want me to wash this with my clothes?" Wukong asked, eyeing the laundry bag he had just been handed Pigsy. "Why?"

"I do it with mine too," Pigsy said, sketching a spell onto a piece of paper. It was a small part of the protection spells over the shop that he layered on. The shop was his baby, and his son lived there too. "The scent helps ward off any hungry dicks."

"Okay, but what else?" Wukong eyed the paper. "There's gotta be more to this, right?"

Tang spoke up. "Xiaojiao and XIaotian both wear panic buttons." the scholar said, his eyes glinting. "If something happens, they press it, and we know to go help them."

A beep rolled through the shop.

"Like that!"

"HELP!"

At the yell, all three sprinted out.

Qi Xiaotian was driving his tuk-tuk as fast as he could, eyes wide with terror. Behind him was a crowd of demons, pushing and shoving each other.

"...I think we might need to call your grandmother."

Pigsy pulled out his phone as Wukong shot off. "Already on it."

[btssavedmylifeblr]

Hi! Please don't take this the wrong way.. I noticed you said you want to finish void this year, so are you currently working on multiple chapters or only on chapter 8? I feel like having that goal could be alot of pressure on you since I remember you posted 7.5 because you didn't want to keep us waiting and that was almost 7 months ago

Mmm… if I’m being totally honest, I’m not working on anything at the moment. I have learned two important things about my writing in the last year:

1) When actively drafting, I need to write almost every day to keep up momentum. If I miss a day, that’s okay, but more than 2 or 3 days and I lose track of what’s happening in the story or begin to second guess everything I’m writing and feel compelled to reread and edit stuff which bogs me down. If I miss more than a week, I lose all sense of urgency and get absorbed into the myriad of other things that need doing in my life.

2) I can’t write in the evenings. I am not a evening person. After a full day of work and parenting, my brain is just out of steam by 8 o'clock. The most I can accomplish after the bumblebee goes to sleep is a load of dishes, before I need to crawl into bed with a book. And the hubbee keeps finding me lying in bed sound asleep, with a book on my face.

The problem with both of those things being true is that I have not yet found a way to work full-time and parent the way I want and find time to write. All of the extra time and energy beyond work that I used to use for writing has been absorbed by parenting. For a month, I tried getting up at 4 am every day in an effort to get some writing done before the bumblebee woke up. But then I got really sick, and I suspect the lack of sleep was a contributing factor.

But here’s the good news: I am leaving my job at the end of June. I’m taking a year off from work to see if stay-at-home mom-ing / writing as a career provides a better work-life balance for me than my current job does. I admittedly feel a bit foolish putting that out into the universe given how paltry my word count has been lately. I think the deciding factor in whether or not this is possible life path for me is going to hinge on if I am capable of ever finishing anything.

So here's my plan: right now, I am scrambling to tie up a bunch of loose ends before I leave my job. July will be busy with family activities and travel and vacation. But August, September, and October are currently devoted in my calendar to active drafting the entire remainder of Void, all at once. So 2023 is either going to open with the release all the remaining chapters of Void in rapid succession or closing down the blog and going to do other things.

[bestillmyslashyheart]

50 First Breakups

Alex stared at them. Four anxious and apologetic faces stared back alongside one heartbroken one.

“What do you mean we broke up?” Michael asked again. No one had answered him the first time he asked and he was getting visibly more upset by the continued silence but Alex had no words for him. They’d broken up a month ago, a combination of growing distance, simultaneous bad weeks, too much alcohol, and a loud fight with things shouted that couldn’t be taken back.

And Michael apparently remembered none of it. He couldn’t remember anything of the last two months.

Alex looked away from his teary eyes that tore at Alex’s heart and stared at the crowd behind him. “What happened?”

“Alex-” Michael started but stopped when Alex held up a hand without even looking at him.

“Kyle?” Alex pressed.

Kyle shifted on his feet. “Honestly, I’m not sure. He hit his head but it wasn’t enough to cause this. Plus Max healed him, so...”

Alex pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled softly. He hadn’t known what to expect when he’d gotten the SOS text from Isobel but it certainly wasn’t to find his ex-boyfriend which short term amnesia that was just long enough to make him forget that they were very definitively exes now. Michael had greeted him with a bright smile and a kiss that Alex was too stunned to resist and it had gone steadily downhill from there.

“Alex?” Michael asked again. “What happened? The last thing I remember we were great and now you’re saying we broke up a month ago? What-”

“No,” Alex shook his head. “I’m sorry you’re going through this but I’m not going to rehash everything for you. We broke up. That’s it. That’s all that matters.” His eyes flickered from Michael to Isobel and Max’s worried faces to Kyle’s look of utter perplexion to Liz’s sympathetic grimace.

“That’s not all that matters!” Michael yelled back. “Tell me how we went from happy to this,” he waved a hand at Alex, “in less than a month.”

“Michael.” Isobel put a hand on his shoulder. “Maybe not right now? You two can talk it out later.” Alex opened his mouth to object but closed it immediately when Isobel shot him a glare.

“Yeah,” he agreed instead. “Later.” He cleared his throat. “If there’s nothing else...”

Liz took kindness on him and shook her head. “I’ll walk you out.” She stood up and they both ignored everyone else as they walked out to his car. “Are you okay?” Alex hadn’t told her, or anyone, the details of the breakup but they all knew it had been bad; he and Michael could barely be in the same room as each other these days.

“I’m fine,” Alex replied.

Liz snorted softly. “Yeah, okay. Well if you decide you want a friend while you’re dealing with all that fineness, you know where I am.” Alex gave her a quick hug and a small smile and got into his car.

Just before he pulled away, he rolled down the window and called out, “Liz?” She stopped in the open doorway to the house and turned around. “You’ll keep an eye on him?”

“We will,” she promised. Alex nodded at her in thanks before pulling away.

---

As much as Alex would like to have put Michael and his amnesia out of his mind, he couldn’t. The rest of the day, and most of the night as he tossed and turned, he played the situation over in his head. At first it had hurt to see Michael so happy to see him, to kiss him, to see his heartbreak over their breakup; it hurt to be alone in his misery and grief over their failure to make it last. But as he thought about it, the idea of a second chance crept up on him. A chance to wipe the slate clean, to move past that last fight. It wasn’t right, Alex knew that, to take advantage of Michael’s memory problems, and Alex would certainly never do it, but the thought was there. And it wasn’t going away.

When his alarm went off in the morning, Alex squeezed his eyes shut for a moment in protest before getting up with a groan. Today would be hell, but the sooner he got through it, the sooner he could go back to bed. That dream powered him through a shower and his morning routine all the way up until he went to make coffee and heard the truck pull up in his driveway.

Alex froze, one hand on the cabinet door, the other holding a mug aloft, as he heard first the slam of Michael’s truck door and the familiar turn of the lock on his front door before it swung open with a bang. “Shit,” he heard Michael curse softly amid the rustle of paper bags. A moment later the door slammed shut and Alex slowly lowered his mug to the countertop as Michael rounded the corner into view.

His smile lit up his face and Alex’s heart ached. “Good morning,” Michael greeted softly. He rounded the countertop and dropped the bags of food from the Crashdown on top of it on his way to Alex hello. Once again, Alex was too surprised to stop him or to stop himself from kissing back out of habit.

“I don’t know what I did last night,” Michael laughed softly when he pulled back, “but I woke up in Max’s spare room. Figured since I was out already I could bring back some breakfast.”

Alex stared at him, uncomprehendingly. “Michael,” he finally said. He wasn’t sure what he sounded like but it apparently wasn’t good since Michael stopped what he was doing with the food and turned to face him.

“Alex?” He reached for him but Alex leaned out of his touch.

“What’s the last thing you remember?”

Michael furrowed his brow. “Uh,” he looked down at the food, “going to the Crashdown for breakfast?”

Alex closed his eyes briefly. “Yesterday. What’s the last thing you remember from yesterday,” he clarified.

“I don’t know,” Michael shrugged. “I worked late and we had dinner at the Crashdown and then you had something to do with Greg so I went home and watched a movie. Why? Did I forget something?”

Alex stared at him. That had been two months ago. That was the last memory Michael had mentioned having yesterday. “You don’t remember anything after that?”

“No, should I? You’re starting to scare me a little. What happened? What did I forget?”

Alex pulled out his phone and pulled out the calendar and showed it to him. Michael stared down at it before shaking his head. “No, it’s April.”

“It’s June,” Alex confirmed.

“No, it’s not,” Michael insisted.

Alex sighed and called Isobel. She answered after on ring. “Can’t talk right n-”

“He’s here,” Alex cut her off.

Isobel cursed. “Sorry. He was gone before-”

“He thinks it’s April,” he cut her off again.

This time Isobel was silent. Then, “what?”

“Just...come over.” Alex hung up without waiting for her reply.

“Alex?” Michael asked, somewhat timidly. Alex took the cup of coffee meant for him and skirted around Michael to get out of the kitchen. Michael followed. “Alex?” He asked again.

“You hit your head yesterday,” Alex told him. “And now you seem to have amnesia.” Michael scoffed. “Yesterday the last thing you could remember was us going to the Crashdown for dinner and then going home and watching a movie while I went out with Greg. That night was two months ago.” Alex paused briefly before forcing out the rest. “We broke up a month ago. You moved out and you’ve been bouncing between Isobel and Max’s guest rooms.”

Michael stared at him. “That’s not funny.”

“I’m not laughing.”

“Alex.”

“I’m dead serious Guerin.” Michael flinched as if Alex had struck him.

“Since when do you call me Guerin anymore?”

“Since we broke up.”

Michael shook his head. “Alex, stop-”

The front door burst open and multiple people stampeded down the hallway, Isobel in the lead. She let out a breath when she saw Michael before swatting him on the arm. “Don’t do that! We were worried.”

Michael stared at her. “Don’t do what? Go home?”

Isobel and Max stared at him then at Alex. Liz bypassed them and came straight to Alex’s side.

“Michael,” Max said gruffly but not unkindly, “this isn’t your home anymore.”

Michael shook his head. “I don’t know what possessed you and Alex to go along with this together but it’s really not funny.”

Liz put her hand on Alex’s arm and squeezed gently. “Michael,” Isobel tried, “you hit your head, it’s causing memory problems, you don’t remember-”

“Alex and I wouldn’t break up! And if we did, it wouldn’t happen that fast!” Michael was almost shouting now.

Alex couldn’t look at him. Two months ago he would have had Michael’s conviction too but it had all unraveled almost before he even noticed. One day they were fine, struggling a little bit but overall fine, and the next day they were done.

“Michael,” Isobel grabbed his arm. “We can talk about this at Max’s but I’m sure Alex wants his house back so we should go.”

“I have to get to work,” Alex admitted. He glanced at the clock on his phone. “I’m going to be late.”

“Great, then we really should go,” Isobel insisted. She tugged gently then firmly at Michael’s arm when he didn’t budge.

“Alex...” Michael looked to him.

“Go Michael,” Alex ordered quietly. And Michael went. Isobel flashed him a grim look over her shoulder as she led him out and Max barely glanced at him as he followed. Liz hesitated, her hand still on his arm. “Liz, I really do need to get to work.”

She smiled wryly. “Not going to tell me you’re fine?”

Alex shook his head. “No. Because I’m really not. But I do have to work so...”

“Okay. Call me when you get off and I’ll come over.”

Alex agreed and then she left too. He needed to be out the door five minutes ago but Alex took a moment to breath deeply and try to process just what the hell had happened here this morning. He’d spent hours thinking, albeit halfheartedly, that he and Michael might get a second chance, and now that was gone. At the very least, he had expected the hard part to be over with.

The unexpected reality of having to tell Michael they were over again was a slap in the face that he really hadn’t needed.

---

The next three days, Alex got a text from either Liz or Isobel telling him that Michael’s memory hadn’t changed. He woke up every morning thinking the previous night was that night two months ago and every morning they had to update him on what he’d missed.

Even if they hadn’t texted him, Alex would have known anyway from the sheer number of texts and calls he got from the other man. He was very close to blocking his number even though he didn’t want to do that, though honestly, with their group of friends, everyone needed to be able to get in touch with each other at a moment’s notice so blocking wasn’t really an option. And yet.

The fourth day was Saturday and Alex’s day to sleep in. Early enough that the sun was barely coming through the window, Alex woke up to a warm body slipping into bed next to him. He was still half asleep and his body still so used to sleeping next to Michael that he merely rolled over and tucked himself in next to him and went back to sleep.

He woke up again hours later to a firm jostling of his shoulder. Alex cracked an eye open to see Liz staring at him from next to the bed. Her eyes flickered between his face and the space behind his shoulder and Alex only had a moment to wonder what she was doing in his bedroom when he registered the furnace behind him and realized what had happened. “He slipped out early,” she whispered apologetically.

Alex squeezed his eyes shut, enjoyed the heat of Michael’s body for a brief moment more, then turned over and shoved Michael out of the bed. He hit the floor with a loud yelp before shooting to his feet. Liz blushed and turned her back at the sight of Michael’s naked body. Alex just closed his eyes again.

“Alex, what the-”

“Put your clothes back on and go with Liz,” he ordered without opening his eyes. There was a moment where nobody moved and he knew Michael was going to argue. “Now,” he added, his tone brooking no argument. Liz stayed where she was as Michael moved around the room and picked up his clothes. When he was dressed, Liz shooed him out of the room ahead of her.

“Alex, I am so sorry. We didn’t think he’d be up that early on a Saturday.”

Alex buried the palms of his hands into his eyes. “He used to pick up the opening shift at Sanders’,” he told her. “He’s used to getting up at dawn on Saturdays.”

“Oh.”

“Can you just get him out of here?”

Liz nodded and left without another word. Her voice carried down the hall from where she was talking to Michael but Alex couldn’t make out any of the words and a moment alter he heard the front door close. Only then did he let the tears fall.

---

Week two of Michael’s recurrent amnesia was no better than the first. The others did a good job of keeping him occupied and away from Alex but Alex still couldn’t bring himself to block Michael’s number and still had to deal with the constant interruptions. But not even their combined efforts could keep Michael away forever and on the third day of the second week, Alex came home from work to Michael sitting in his living room.

“Get out,” Alex greeted tiredly.

Michael’s face, hopeful just a moment ago, fell. “I don’t understand.”

“I know,” Alex replied honestly. Because he did, he understood that one day was not enough to understand everything that had changed for Michael. But he also understood that he couldn’t do this with him. “But I’m not doing this. I’m not explaining it and I’m not talking about it and I want you to go.”

“Why won’t you tell me? The others can’t tell me anything because they don’t know either.”

Alex sighed heavily. “What would be the point? You’re just going to forget again.”

Michael’s jaw clenched and he nodded jerkily. “Fine. You’re right. Why bother explaining anything to the guy with amnesia.” With that, he got to his feet and pushed past Alex on his way to the door. Part of Alex wanted to stop him, wanted to apologize, but he didn’t. It was harsh, but it was true. There was no point having it out with Michael only for him to forget it all over again. The only thing it would accomplish was hurting them both but only Alex would have to live with it.

---

On the second Saturday of Michael’s amnesia, Alex had dropped into bed so late Friday that he was fairly certain not even the shock of his dead father appearing before him could get him out of bed. And in his exhaustion, he forgot what had happened the previous week. This time he didn’t so much as stir when Michael slipped into bed beside him and pulled him into his arms. He only woke when he heard Max’s loud whispering from the doorway.

“Michael,” Max hissed. Michael groaned in greeting. “Come here.”

“Go away, Max,” Michael mumbled. “It’s Saturday.” He burrowed closer to Alex and wrapped his arm around Alex’s waist, his hand dipping low and that’s when Alex finally woke up. He grabbed Michael’s wrist and pulled it away from him before it got too close to certain parts of his anatomy. Michael whined and nuzzled into his hair. “Alex.”

Alex pushed his hand back over to his side of the bed and leaned over to grab Michael’s phone. Unlocking it, the password forever unchanged, he set a daily reminder for first thing in the morning telling Michael what had happened and that he and Alex had broken up and to stay away. That done, he dropped the phone on Michael’s chest and escaped to the bathroom before Michael could drag him back. He hid there for a few minutes before there was a knock on the door. “We’re heading out,” Max told him.

Alex didn’t bother replying.

---

The reminder worked for zero (0) days.

First thing Sunday morning, Michael came barreling into his room holding his phone in the air. “What the hell is this?” Liz came in hot on his heels.

“Michael!” She yelled. “What part of leave Alex alone told you to come running over here first thing in the morning?!” Alex groaned and put a pillow over his head, hoping to block out the two intruders.

“This is crap!” Michael shouted back. “It’s some sick joke.”

“Mikey,” Liz cajoled. “I will explain everything just please come with me. Let Alex sleep.”

“But-” Michael started to protest. Alex took the pillow off his head long enough to say, “go with Liz,” before immediately replacing it.

“Mikey,” Liz said again, softer this time. “Come on.”

They didn’t close the door behind them but Alex breathed a sigh of relief when the front door shut a few minutes later.

---

“I come in peace,” Michael greeted quietly when Alex opened the door a full week later. Alex dropped his head to the door frame and groaned but didn’t say anything. Michael watched him with a soft look for a long moment before continuing. “I have amnesia. I don’t remember the last three months. Every day I wake up and forget the previous day. You and I broke up two months ago. No one knows why.”

Alex arched an eyebrow in question when he stopped.

“I want to know why.” Alex didn’t have time to say anything before Michael held up a hand and continued. “I have a journal. It looks like I started keeping track of the days after the first week or so. I wrote down that I started it after I tried to talk to you about this before and you said it was pointless because I wouldn’t remember anyway.”

Alex straightened and looked at him in surprise. “No one’s mentioned a journal.”

Michael shrugged. “I don’t know if they know about it. No one’s mentioned it to me or suggesting I write something down so they probably don’t know. But I know. I don’t find it every day but I find it most days and when I do I write down what happened. So can we talk? I promise I’ll try to remember.”

Alex thought it over and then opened the door wider. He turned and walked into the living room, trusting Michael to follow him.

“So,” Michael started when they were settled on the couch. Alex had stopped to get a cup of tea even though he didn’t drink it just to have something to do with his hands. “What happened?”

Alex didn’t look at him, his attention fixed on the mug in his hands, his fingers toying with the string of the tea bag. “We grew distant.”

“In a month?” Michael interrupted. Alex glared at him and he held his hands up in apology. “Sorry. Continue.”

“We just kept getting busy with other things and didn’t see each other much and then we both had things come up with work and Maria and I fought and you and Max were going at it about something, I don’t even know what because you wouldn’t talk to me about it, and it all just boiled up. I was angry about work and Maria and you were pissed about something and you refused to talk to me about it. That lasted about a week. I’m not sure we really spoke that week. We definitely didn’t see each other other than a few minutes in the mornings. And then we made plans to go to the Pony and you wouldn’t stop drinking so I kept drinking because I wanted to stop being mad at you and then when we somehow got back here we just-” Alex stopped. “We fought.” He sighed heavily. “Things were said that can’t be unsaid and we broke up.”

The silence lingered between them for a long moment until Alex finally looked over at Michael. Michael was staring at the floor, his face twisted in concentration.

“Michael?”

Michael looked up at him and blinked a couple of times. “I don’t think you’ve ever said so much without actually saying anything before.”

Alex blinked. “What?”

“We got busy? We fought? So what? We do that all the time. It’s called life, remember?” Alex did remember. A few months into their relationship they had been drifting apart a little bit, both of them caught up in other things for a while and didn’t have time for each other, and it had scared them into going to couple’s therapy. They only went for a few sessions but the one thing that stuck with them was that they didn’t need to be together all the time. It was okay to have other interests and priorities so long as they kept making an effort to make time for each other. People got busy, the therapist had said, couple fought. It was normal. The couples that stayed together were the ones that made an effort to stay together. It was advice that had gotten them through a few rough patches over the year and a half they were together, but- “this was different,” Alex insisted.

“I call bullshit,” Michael protested. “One big fight and we just gave up? That’s crap. That’s not us.”

Alex looked at him steadily. “What’s the worst thing you’ve ever thought of me?”

“What?” Michael shook his head slightly. “Where is that coming fro-?”

“Sometimes I really am my father’s son,” Alex cut him off and Michael’s mouth snapped shut.

It was quiet a moment before Michael spoke. “And what did you say?” He didn’t try to deny that he’d said it.

Alex looked away. “If I was my father’s son, you would have been in Caulfield with your mother.”

Michael sat there a moment before getting up without a word. The front door closed softly in his wake.

---

Three days later he was back.

“Michael,” Alex greeted warily.

“Alex,” Michael greeted. His voice wasn’t cold but it wasn’t as warm as it used to be. It was enough to tell Alex that Michael had written down their conversation and had read it today. “Can we talk?”

“Why?” Alex exhaled. “What’s the point?”

“The point is I love you and you love me and I don’t care what we fought about, it won’t be the end of us. I won’t let it be.” He took a step closer. If Alex tried to close the door now it would bounce off of Michael’s shoes. “Alex,” he added quietly. “If you really think one fight is the end of us, say so now. I’ll write it in my journal and I won’t come back.”

Alex looked at him, really looked for the first time in weeks. Michael let him, saying nothing and gazing back with honest sincerity in his eyes.

Alex opened the door further. “Come on in.”

---

The next time Alex saw Michael, Michael hadn’t read his journal yet. It was only two days after their last conversation and Alex wasn’t prepared for it.

“Alex!” Michael’s voice rang clear across the busy street. The honest joy in it stopped Alex in his tracks and let Michael catch up. “Hey, stranger,” he greeted when he slipped an arm around Alex’s waist. Alex remembered himself in time to dodge Michael’s kiss.

“Hey,” Alex returned, stepping neatly out of his grasp. He glanced around for Michael’s current babysitter, the others still not letting him go anywhere alone just in case something exactly like this happened.

“What’s wrong?” Michael asked, reaching for him again. Again, Alex stepped away. A few stores down, Isobel appeared out of a shop, her head down as she double checked her bag.

“Isobel!” Alex called.

Isobel’s head snapped up and she looked at him with wide eyes. She was a little too far away for Alex to hear but her lips clearly formed the word shit. “Michael,” she called as she hurried over to them. “I thought you were waiting for me outside.”

“I am outside,” Michael replied, glancing between her and Alex. “What’s going on?”

Alex looked to Isobel. She gave him a halfhearted apologetic shrug. “He’s always mopey after we tell him, I just wanted a few hours before that today. I didn’t think it would be a problem.” She didn’t think they’d run into Alex, she didn’t say.

Alex rolled his eyes. “I trust you all know how to handle it by now,” he told her. “So I will let you handle it.” He cut a glance at Michael before turning away.

“Alex?” Michael called after him. Alex ignored him.

Hours later, as Alex was getting ready for bed, his front door burst open. Alex groaned in frustration but continued brushing his teeth as Michael called his name.

“I talked to Max,” Michael’s voice came from the doorway. Alex rinsed and spit and didn’t reply. “I know what we fought about. Before.”

Alex looked at him through the mirror. “Max doesn’t know what we fought about.”

“Not you and me,” Michael clarified. “Me and Max.”

Alex dried his hands and picked up his crutches. “Oh?” Michael moved out of the doorway when Alex approached and led him back into the living room. Alex cast a forlorn look at his bedroom and followed.

“After I saw you in town earlier and Isobel filled me in, I went looking for a record or something. I knew there was no way I would just let myself never remember.”

“So you found your journal.”

“Yeah. You said that one of the reasons I was angry before our fight was because of issues with Max that I wouldn’t tell you about.” Alex nodded. “So I talked to Max.”

“How’d that go?”

Michael shrugged. “He wanted to know if I remembered anything but other than that it didn’t seem to be a big deal.”

“So what was the fight about?”

Michael twisted to the side and retrieved a stack of folders Alex had somehow missed sitting on the coffee table. He dropped them in front of Alex. “Max went digging through your military record. He said he knew we were serious but he didn’t want to take the chance of me getting hurt again so he wanted to make sure I knew what I was getting into.”

Alex stared at the files. “He shouldn’t have those. It’s illegal to have those.”

Michael shrugged. “My guess is Jenna or Charlie helped him out.”

“Did you read them?”

Michael shook his head. “No. At least, not today. I don’t know if I read them before.”

“If this was what the fight about, if I was what the fight was about,” Alex said slowly, “why wouldn’t you tell me that?”

“I don’t know,” Michael shrugged. “But I can guess. And I’d say that I probably was pissed at Max for butting into my relationship and for violating your privacy like that and I probably didn’t say anything because I didn’t want you to know my brother had done that.”

Alex stared at him. “You were angry at him for violating my privacy but didn’t feel the need to tell me that he’d done it?”

Michael rubbed the back of his neck. “I don’t know. I’m guessing here. But it was the first thing that came to mind when he showed them to me tonight so I can only guess it’s what I thought last time.”

“You read it,” Alex declared.

“I told you I didn’t.”

Alex shook his head. “Not tonight. Before. During our fight you said something that didn’t make sense at the time because there was no way you could have known about it but if you had my file...”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t,” Alex shot back. “Don’t apologize for something you don’t remember doing. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“Fine,” Michael huffed. Neither said anything for a while. “What did you and Maria fight about?” Michael finally asked.

Alex looked up at him. “What?”

“You said we were both pissed off. Me because I fought with Max,” he gestured at the file, “and you because you’d fought with Maria. Now we both know why I was pissed, what about you?”

Alex sat back against the couch with a grunt. “She said some things I didn’t like.” Michael waited for him to continue but Alex didn’t add anything. He rolled his eyes and motioned for Alex to carry on. Still, Alex hesitated. “She- she wanted to give me advice. About you.”

Michael blinked. “Why would Maria give you advice about me?”

“Because she’s the only other person you’ve ever dated?”

“So? Our relationships are totally different.”

Alex raised an eyebrow. “Oh? How so?”

“Do you really need me to spell it out for you?” Michael sounded incredulous.

“Humor me.”

“Maria and I were good together but we weren’t going anywhere. It wasn’t going to be a forever thing and we both knew if even if we didn’t admit it. You and me, we are the forever thing. This isn’t a fling, or a fun way to spend a few months together. This is it. We are it. Maria wouldn’t know the first thing about me in a relationship with you because the two don’t compare. She and I had our thing and it was good and fun and it ended when it needed to. You and I have our thing and it’s amazing and it’s not ending because it doesn’t need to. Not now, not ever.”

“Michael,” Alex exhaled. “It’s not that simple.”

“Yes it is,” Michael shot back immediately. “You said it yourself, this is it. No more fucking around, no more going back and forth. We are in it together and that’s how it’s going to stay. Whatever happens, we work through it. So let’s work through it.”

“You don’t remember,” Alex reminded him. “We said awful things to each other.”

“I don’t care,” Michael shrugged. “I don’t, Alex. I really don’t. So what if we did? So what if we meant them, even just a little bit of us? We’ve always been good at knowing where to hurt each other, that hasn’t changed, but that doesn’t mean we give up. Because no matter how many awful things we say, they’re just words.”

“Words matter.” It was a lesson they’d learned the hard way after too many years of too few conversations.

“They do,” Michael agreed. “But so do actions. And we have built a life together and it is good and I don’t want to give it up.”

“You did. You do.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“You don’t fucking remember!” Alex shouted.

“I remember enough!” Michael shouted back. “Over a month and I never set foot in the Airstream. I bounced between Isobel and Max’s places and I lived out of a duffel bag and I never once attempted to move back into the Airstream. If I had given up, I wouldn’t have kept my shit in boxes in Izzy’s spare room. I don’t know why I agreed to move out but I know I didn’t think it was permanent. I know I kept everything boxed up and ready to move back in. A month, Alex. I lived out of a duffel bag for a month.” He shook his head. “I wasn’t done with this, with you, with us. I wasn’t and I’m not.”

Alex just stared at him, unable to come up with a reply. Michael stared back, his breath a little uneven. When Alex didn’t say anything, he stood up and moved closer until he was right in front of him. Alex had to crane his neck back to look him in the eyes but it was worth it. Michael hadn’t looked at him like that in months, not even on those days when he didn’t remember or know yet. “Michael...”

Michael slowly reached down and cupped Alex’s face. “I love you, Alex. And you love me. And it’s enough. Everything else is just...” he shook his head. “It’s not easy and it’s not perfect but it’s us. And that’s all I care about.”

“Fuck,” Alex cursed lowly. “I do. I do love you.”

Michael smiled. “I know.”

“I don’t know how to fix this though,” Alex continued. He pulled Michael down until he was sitting on the coffee table in front of Alex. “I remember the fight that broke us and as much as we talk about it and you write it in your journal, I don’t know how to move past it when you don’t remember it. I don’t-”

“We’ll figure it out. Kyle and Liz are doing their research thing to figure out what fried my brain. They’ll come up with an answer and we’ll go from there.”

Alex closed his eyes. “And if they don’t? If this is permanent?”

Michael was quiet for a moment. “Is that a deal breaker? Do I have to have my memory for us to be together?”

“Normally I would say no. We can always make new memories together but this wasn’t a small thing, Michael. I don’t know if I can be the only one in this who remembers it.”

Michael swallowed thickly and nodded. “Okay. Well. Let’s cross that bridge if we come to it.”

Alex wanted to protest. He knew it wasn’t that easy, but he also knew he was done fighting about it tonight. “I’ve missed you,” he admitted quietly.

“I’ve missed you too.” Michael moved from the coffee table to the couch next to Alex.

Alex rolled his eyes. “As far as you’re concerned we were together yesterday. Hell we were still together this morning.”

“I know. It’s weird. I still missed you though.” Alex closed his eyes and leaned against Michael’s shoulder and soaked in his warmth for a bit.

“You should go,” he finally said when his eyes were getting droopy. “You should go to Max or Isobel’s.”

Michael sighed but got up without complaint. “I’ll see you soon.”

Alex’s lips twisted in a wry grin. “If you say so.” Michael smiled back at him and kissed him softly on the forehead before leaving.

---

Every day for the next couple of weeks, Michael stopped by after dinner. Alex wasn’t sure where he was keeping his journal these days but he was pretty diligent about keeping it up to date and reading it. If Alex hadn’t known that he was still having the same memory issues he would have thought he was starting to form new memories.

It was still odd for Alex, to have conversations about Michael with Michael only without Michael knowing the context. He’d tried to explain the fight more fully but he would never be able to tell Michael what he’d been thinking or feeling during it or why he’d stormed out that night or why he hadn’t put up a fight when Alex suggested he move out. But still there were talking and it was more than they’d had in a while.

Maria’s words still echoed in his ears sometimes and his file sat on his desk like a beacon of Max’s interference but they were starting to deal with it. Michael still slept at Max or Isobel’s because Alex couldn’t stand to have that first conversation with him in the morning; the one time Michael had tried sleeping in the guest room, the morning after had been painful. It was one thing to see Michael after he’d read his journal and come to grips with everything, it was another thing entirely to see Michael as he was months ago. Before.

One night, Michael came over early enough for them to eat dinner and dragged Alex out to the Crashdown. They hadn’t been out together in months by that point and they garnered a few looks from people who had noticed their breakup but no one said anything to them, not even Liz or Rosa. Alex had forgotten how nice it was to just be out with Michael and he lost track of what was going on around them while they ate.

Maybe that was why he didn’t notice.

Maybe that was why it wasn’t until there was a gun pointed at Rosa’s head for him to realize there was a problem.

It was Liz’s voice, sharp and pained and anxious, that got Alex’s attention. He tore his gaze from Michael, a smile still on his lips, and turned to see his friends. A hush fell over the diner as others noticed the gun. Alex saw hands going for cell phones everywhere, a low whisper starting up as customers called 911, but Alex only had eyes on the gunman.

He was saying something to Rosa. Alex didn’t know what, his Spanish had always been awful, but he didn’t care. What he cared about was that the man’s finger was on the trigger and he looked prepared to shoot. Alex slowly rose from his seat. Michael grabbed his wrist and tried to pull him back down, his own hand reaching out to move the gun but Alex stilled him and shook him off. There was no way Michael could reveal his powers in front of everyone and there was no way Alex was sitting on his ass while someone threatened his friends.

Alex was thankful he’d brought his crutch with him today; the device fooled people into thinking he wasn’t a threat. Leaning heavily on it, he made his way to Rosa’s side.

“Fuck off,” the man said to him. His gun didn’t waver from Rosa’s head, though, and Alex ignored him.

“Rosa, you okay?” Alex asked quietly. Rosa shot him an incredulous look but didn’t say anything, her eyes flicking back to the gun quickly.

Behind the gunman, customers were starting to duck out the door. The man didn’t pay them any attention so more hurried out. They stayed quiet though so Alex ignored them. “I’m not sure what’s going on here,” Alex said, “but it doesn’t need to end badly. Just put the gun down and walk away.”

The man sneered at him. “Just walk away? That’s not how this works.” His attention was on Alex now and his aim wavered. On Rosa’s other side, Liz started to pull her away from the man. She made it two steps before his attention snapped back to her, the gun moving back to her face. While it was in motion, Alex moved. He hit the man with the full force of his body and drove them both to the floor.

The gun went off.

Rosa screamed.

Alex punched the man across the face with his crutch and watched his body go limp.

“Alex!” Michael yelled.

That was when Alex noticed the pain. It bloomed from a spot in the left side of his chest. He had barely felt it when hands gripped him tight and rolled him onto his back. “Shit,” Liz cursed. She pressed both hands on Alex’s chest and pushed until Alex cried out. “Rosa, get me something to stop the bleeding.”

Michael’s hands were on his face and then Alex was staring up into his eyes. “That didn’t go as I intended.”

“I fucking hope not!” Liz lifted a hand to grab something from Rosa and Michael’s hand replaced it immediately.

“What happened!” Jenna called in from the doorway.

“Alex got shot,” Liz called back. “The guy’s out cold.”

“Alright hold on, I can send in EMS.”

“Wait!” Liz and Rosa yelled in unison. “Get them back!” Liz added. Alex wondered why until he saw the strange glow emanating from his chest, or more specifically, emanating from Michael’s hand on his chest.

“Jesus Christ Guerin it’s the middle of the day!” Jenna huffed before leaving to get any and all possibly witnesses as far away as she could.

“Come on, Alex,” Michael urged. The glow got brighter and Alex felt his pain go away.

When it was nearly gone, Alex pushed Michael’s hand off. “Stop. You can’t collapse just yet and there has to be something to explain the gunshot and all the blood.”

“You got shot,” Michael panted, already exhausted.

“I’m okay,” Alex promised.

There was a sound at the doorway. “We got incoming,” Rosa warned. A moment later EMS and police swarmed into the diner and pulled Michael away from him.

---

It was the next day before the doctors (Kyle) and police let him go. Michael was already at his house when he got home.

Alex was about to reassure him that he was fine before he realized that Michael wouldn’t remember. “Michael-”

“You were wearing a blue sweater,” Michael cut him off.

Alex blinked. “What?”

“The night we had that fight. You were wearing a blue sweater. It looked amazing on you.”

“You remember-”

“Forrest bought it for you.” Michael pressed forward. He hadn’t gotten up from the couch, his body seemingly frozen in place. “That’s what set me off. I was pissed at Max and I felt guilty for not telling you why and it had been a shit week at work and I was drunk and you were wearing a sweater that Forrest gave you and it was the thing that tipped me over the edge.” He finally looked up at Alex. “I remember everything. And I’m sorry. I said a lot of things I shouldn’t have said and if I could take them back I would but I can’t so we’re going to move forward.”

“How?” Alex exhaled.

Michael nodded at him and pressed a hand over the left side of his chest, a mirror of where Alex’s wound had been. Alex didn’t need to tug his shirt out of the way to see the handprint there but he did it anyway. “Our minds are linked right now and it, I don’t know, jump started my memory or something. I don’t really care how, honestly, I just care that I remember.”

Alex walked over and eased into the chair opposite Michael. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I said things I shouldn’t have too and I wish I could take it back. Also I probably could have behaved better when you didn’t have your memory. I was a little-”

“Alex, no, I can’t imagine what it was like for you to have to deal with a me who didn’t remember and acted like nothing had happened. I don’t blame you for anything.”

“Still-”

“No,” Michael shook his head. “No more apologies. There’s only one thing I think we needed to apologize for and we’ve already done that. Now we can focus on moving forward.”

Alex looked at him carefully. “Why didn’t you go back to the Airstream?”

Michael let out a breath. “Because that would have been admitting it was over and I couldn’t do that. I was just...waiting I guess. Waiting for us both to cool down, to be able to talk about it. Admittedly, it was taking longer than I expected. The day of the accident I meant to go over to the Airstream to see if it was habitable but I didn’t quite make it there.”

“Probably for the best.”

“Yeah?”

Alex hummed. “Would’ve made packing it all up again a pain.”

Michael arched an eyebrow. “Just like that?”

Alex snorted. “No. But it’s not just like that, Michael, we’ve been talking for weeks. I’m not saying jump back in like nothing ever happened but I think we’re at the point where we can both acknowledge that we’re not done, we’re not over.”

“We’re never going to be done,” Michael agreed.

“Maybe you stay with Max or Isobel for a few more weeks,” Alex suggested. Michael didn’t look too pleased about that. “Or maybe you don’t.”

“And if I don’t?”

“I have a guest room,” Alex reminded him.

Michael turned to look over his shoulder at said guest room. “You do,” he agreed.

“I also have a really nice bed.”

Michael turned back to him, a smile stretching across his face. “You do.”

“And I really hate sleeping alone.”

Michael laughed softly. “You do.”

“We still have a lot to talk about and deal with,” Alex cautioned.

“We do,” Michael agreed. “But it’s been a very rough few months and you got shot and almost died in my arms yesterday so can we talk about it tomorrow?” He looked weary for a moment before he straightened his shoulders.

“Yeah,” Alex agreed. “Tomorrow sounds good.”

[ms-m-astrologer]

New Year's Resolutions with Saturn/Aquarius

Saturn is definitely the planet we want to look at, when we're making New Year's Resolutions. He shows us where there is ground for improvement. We also start our calendar during Capricorn, Saturn's sign - and this year, we have a powerful Capricorn New Moon on January 2.

In the Capricorn Solstice issue of "The Mountain Astrologer," Rick Levine wrote succinctly about transiting Saturn in Aquarius: it "globally tests our ability to maintain our individuality while still being in an integral relationship to the larger community." So, there’s what we need to do.

Perhaps that resonated so powerfully with me, because I know that in 2022, Saturn is the most powerful transiting influence in my natal chart. It will trine my Sun/Gemini/8th, sextile my Moon/Aries/5th, oppose my Leo MC and conjunct my Aquarius IC, trine my natal Jupiter Rx/Libra/12th, sextile itself at Sagittarius/2nd, and conjunct Chiron Rx/Aquarius/3rd-IC. I also have a progressed New Moon this year, and transiting Saturn will closely oppose it. FFS.

In fact, it’s such a mess that I ordered a (computer-produced) report from Steven Forrest’s astrology site. Here is how to get there:

I’ll let you all know whether I like it or not!

Anyway. So what kind of New Year's Resolutions do we need to make? The first thing we have to do, is consider what our natal Saturn is doing. Even if you have only a rudimentary sense about it (eg Ms M's Saturn Rx/Sag/2nd, showing issues from demanding both freedom and security) - that should be enough. Also consider how Saturn is working with the other placements in your chart.

The houses which contain the stretch of Zodiac from 18:35 to 25:15 Aquarius, show the areas where we need to do the work of "maintain(ing) our individuality while still being in an integral relationship to the larger community." (For Ms M, that's at the bottom of her chart. Just great.) Let's look at the Saturn dates for 2022 (data from the Cafe Astrology website):

Saturday, January 1, 2022: Saturn at 11:54 Aquarius

Saturn begins the calendar year still in its post-retrograde shadow. We begin 2022, therefore, by finishing up whatever it was we had to work on, during the 2021 Saturn retrograde cycle.

Saturday, January 15, 08:51 UT - Saturn exits post-retrograde shadow, 13:31 Aquarius

For the next six weeks, Saturn will make a series of "one and done" aspects to your natal placements. This is good news for Ms M's natal Asc/Desc at 13:41 Scorpio/Taurus. It's a brief issue and not a long knock-down drag out fight! This is also good news for her son's first Saturn return: it's happening only once. Ms M Jr will get only one trine from transiting Saturn to her natal Sun, though.

Sunday, February 27, 04:04 UT - Saturn enters pre-retrograde shadow, 18:35 Aquarius

From here until June 4, we're becoming aware of specific issues we need to work on during the Saturn Rx process.

Saturday, June 4, 19:25 UT - Saturn stations retrograde, 25:15 Aquarius

And this is where the work occurs.

Sunday, October 23, 00:52 UT - Saturn stations direct, 18:35 Aquarius

We now have three months to bring into effect the improvements indicated by Saturn Rx.

Wednesday, January 25, 2023, 22:01 UT - Saturn exits post-retrograde shadow, 25:15 Aquarius

Putting all that together is a lot of work - and that's why professional astrologers charge so much for doing your chart. (And why a computer chart is only minimally cheaper to get.)

Finally, we look at which houses have Capricorn and Aquarius (the two signs ruled by Saturn) on their cusps. Here we see the results of our hard work. In my case, I have Capricorn on the 3rd House cusp, and Aquarius on the 4th House/IC. Being a more effective Gemini is certainly attractive - the 3rd House resonates with the sign Mercury. And I can't even imagine what 100% self-acceptance would look like, coming toward and out of that Aquarius/IC.

[erensangel444]

wedding bells

eren jaeger x reader x mikasa ackerman 

modern!au

this shit.... is a dream come true! 

this fic is eren + mikasa x fem!reader, if you guys would want to see some gender neutral fics just let me know in my asks inbox! i’m open to any suggestions, if you want a fic that’s specifically tailored to you whether that be race-wise, gender-wise, any disabilities, etc,. just let me know!

likes/reblogs/comments are always appreciated:D

this fic has been proofread but if i missed something just let me know!

a/n: i saw someone(who is a wedding planner) describe an instance similar to this, on reddit, and i just had to write it.

i don’t care what anyone says, eremika is my otp. on the flip side, jean’s feelings for mikasa are so cute and it makes my heart do flips. 

warnings: language(most of my fics do contain language), smut; degrading, threesome, unprotected sex w/ creampie, voyeurism, cuckolding in a way?? but not really cause the reader fucks both of em so 🤨, oral(male and fem!receiving), permission needed to orgasm, slapping(slightest bit, not a huge portion of the smut)

word count: 5.3k

summary: wedding planning is a chaotic affair. some couples were very demanding, leaving no room for friendliness, the professionalism somewhat overbearing. with this couple though, there’s room to get friendly. 

your legs were propped up on your desk, the eraser end of a pencil in between your teeth. your eyes were trained on your computer screen, analyzing the june month of your calendar. a knock on your door interrupted your train of thought, your legs falling back to the floor at the sound. “mrs. y/l/n, it’s your 2 o’clock appointment,” your assistant’s voice sounding from behind the door.

“come in,” you replied, your voice accompanied by a soft lilt. your door swung open, your assistant standing beside a couple, a beautiful one at that. if you had lacked any sense of professionalism, drool might have dribbled out of the side of your mouth. 

“have a seat,” you gestured towards the chairs on the opposite side of your desk, “thank you marylin,” you smiled at your assistant, turning your attention back to the couple in front of you. 

now that they sat in front of you, you had a clearer look at their appearance. you noticed the way their hands were latched together, the image making you smile. “nice to meet you, i’m y/n, which you already knew i guess,” you laughed, the man and woman in front of you joining in.

already the room had an aura of comfort. they had told you their names, eren and mikasa, mikasa’s last name soon to be jaeger. eventually, the conversation had shifted into small talk as you nodded at the words falling from mikasa’s lips, a sign that you were listening intently. 

you had asked how they met, a common question you asked to most of the couples who became your clients, but with them, you were actually interested in their answer. “a pastry shop,” eren smiled, turning to mikasa. “the owner, levi, is actually attending our wedding as the matchmaker, he convinced me to make a move,” he finished. 

you couldn’t help but smile at the story, and smile at the couple in front of you. you could feel the happiness radiating off of them, their happiness rubbing off on you.

“do you guys have a theme that you’re thinking for the ceremony?”

the sun had slowly began it’s descent, the evening sun shining through the window behind you. discussion about the wedding had come to an end about an hour ago, the preliminary details sorted out. the professional conversation had died down, there was no reason for the appointment to continue, yet, a part of you didn’t want the couple to leave, and it didn’t seem like they were eager to go either. 

mikasa’s laughter sounded throughout the room as you recalled a bridezilla that you had dealt with a couple of years ago. eren smiled at the sound of mikasa’s laughter, turning towards you, the smile remaining. “so, i’m scheduling another appointment for january, we’ll discuss invitation cards, catering, and we can look at venues if you don’t already have an idea for where you want the wedding to take place,” you smiled softly. 

“thank you so much,” eren said, standing up and holding his hand out for you to shake. you stood from your chair also, shaking eren’s hand, walking towards the door. you held the door open for the couple, the subtle smile yet to leave your face.

“thank you again,” mikasa smiled at you. you felt your cheeks heat up at her appreciation. “of course, anytime, feel free to call if you need anything,” you said, waving at the couple as they walked down the hall. you were excited for this wedding, more so than any other one that you had planned. 

fuck, you need a cold shower. 

the meeting in january had happened a month ago. you had customized a design for the invitation based on mikasa and eren’s descriptions. they loved it, so the invitations were sent in the mail, the wedding set for the month of june. 

like the previous one, the appointment had run over, spending an hour talking to the couple, laughter sounding throughout the room. now, a month later, you were rushing to a bridal store, a to-go coffee cup in your hand as you walked quickly.

mikasa had invited you to dress shopping, a couple of her bridesmaids tailing along as well. you opened the door to the store, your breath quick from rushing as you looked around the for mikasa. you smiled once meeting mikasa’s eyes. she returned your smile with her own as she waved you over.

she had introduced you to all of her bridesmaids, the group of you talking about your shared excitement for mikasa’s wedding. you talked with the group, though you felt like you were intruding, seeing as you hadn’t known mikasa as long as these women. you were the wedding planner though, so it wasn’t odd that you were here, right?

all those thoughts flushed from your head when mikasa stepped out from the dressing room, the store assistant following behind her. she looked beautiful, the canvas white color of the dress acting as a parallel against her skin, a veil casted over her face. 

the women beside you cheered, yet you still stared in astonishment. realizing that you were the odd one out, your bottom lip caught between your teeth, you quickly joined in, clapping along with the women beside you. mikasa did a little twirl as a joke, and you whistled in response, the playful banter making you smile.

mikasa’s eyes shifted over to you as she smiled, “you look amazing,” you said softly, your words drifiting into a fluttery sigh. “thank you,” mikasa said, her voice almost a whisper. “um, would you want to come with me after this? i have some more shopping to do, and all my friends have somewhere to be,” your heart shouldn’t have pulsated the way it did at her offer. 

“of course,” you smiled, ushering her over to her friends who were eager to give their compliments to the soon-to-be-bride. 

how you had ended up inside a victoria’s secret dressing room with mikasa, her hands tugging at the bottom of her shirt, was beyond you. all you could do now was attempt to avert your eyes as she lifted the shirt over her eyes. 

she had gone to a couple shops before stopping in the lingerie store just for a ‘quick look’. a ‘quick look’ had somehow led to the pair of you venturing into the dressing room, mikasa’s hands full of bralettes covered in lace and different lingerie pieces. 

“what do you think of this one,” her voice broke the silence. well, now you had to look up at her. you lifted your head from the floor, stopping your jaw from falling slack, forcing your expression to be rigid. in the moments between your eyes falling to the floor and now, mikasa’s jeans had come off too. 

she now stood in a white lace bra, the dark areolas of her nipple visible through the fabric. a white lace thong accompanied the number on her upper half, sending you into an undeniable heat. your cheeks flushed as you licked your lips before responding, “i-it’s beautiful, i think eren will love it,”. you forced your eyes to remain on her face. “do you like it?” she asked, her voice having something hidden behind it.

“m-me?” you asked, though you already knew the answer. mikasa nodded, smiling at you. “i-i like it,” you stuttered through a sentence, your cheeks growing hotter, “i think it looks really good on you,” you whispered the last bit. mikasa grinned at that, her hands reaching for the clasp of the bra.

your eyes quickly fell back to the floor, mikasa grabbing another set that was sitting beside you on the bench in the dressing room. your eyes remained glued on the floor as you felt mikasa’s shoulder brush against yours. as quickly as you felt the brush of her skin against yours, it was gone, yet the feeling in your stomach had yet to subside. 

it was now may, a month before the wedding and mikasa had asked you over for coffee, in desperate need of someone to expel the worries she had about the wedding. you had obviously obliged, putting mikasa’s address into the map on your phone.

after the day at victoria’s secret, you had seen eren and mikasa a few more times, mainly to discuss the wedding. they had invited you over for dinner as a thanks, their hospitality was heartwarming.

you found yourself parking your car in front of their home once again, walking towards the front door. you rang the doorbell, slightly shifting from the ball of your foot to the heel in anticipation. to your surprise, eren opened the front door, and before you could stop yourself a slight gasp fell from your lips.

“what? expecting someone different?” he joked, smiling at you. you laughed softly before speaking, “i have a date with your fiancé,” you joked, holding up the two coffees in your hand. eren stepped out of the doorway, motioning for you to go inside. 

you had a general idea of the layout of their home from your previous visit, so you headed towards the kitchen, setting the coffee cups down on the table. “mikasa actually just had to leave,” eren said from behind you, “some emergency at work,” he sat down in a seat at the kitchen table. “oh,” you said, not knowing how to respond, standing awkwardly beside the table.

“i don’t mind if you stay though,” your eyebrows furrowed at his words, but the blush that rushed to your cheeks was easily distinguished, “until she comes back i mean,”. you nodded sheepishly, mentally hitting yourself for reading into eren’s words. you sat down, opposite from eren, pushing one of the coffees towards him. 

“thanks,” he smiled, taking a sip from the paper cup. you sat in silence for a moment, before eren asked you a question. “are you dating someone?” you gulped your coffee at that, coughing soon after from the rush of liquid. “s-sorry! that was abrupt,” he yelped. 

“n-no you’re okay,” you reassured him, setting your coffee cup on the table. “i’m not dating anyone, no,” you said, your left hand digging into your thigh. “that surprises me,” eren replied, his eyes boring into yours. ‘hmm?’ you hummed in question, attempting to retain a calm exterior, though it was hard to ignore the way your heart was beating. 

“i mean with being a wedding planner and everything, i feel like you see love all the time and you’d want your own shot at it,” eren started, “i would bet you have people lining up too,”. you blushed profusely at his words, ignoring any deeper meaning behind them. 

“i-i guess you’re right, i do see a lot of love, but that’s also why i’m not in a relationship. i get my full share of love, at work, you know? i’m always managing other people’s love lives, i don’t want to throw mine on top of that,” you rambled, letting out a deep breath at the end. eren nodded in understanding, smiling before talking. 

“so more of a friends with benefit thing? hit it and quit it?” he laughed, the feeling in your stomach and the heat in your cheeks growing at his words before you spoke. “i manage pretty okay by myself,” you laughed softly, attempting to ease your nerves. “k-know how to take care of myself,”. as soon as the words fell from your lips, you instantly regretted them. you didn’t want him to think you were insinuating something lewd with your words. 

eren just smirked at you, the sound of the front door opening startling you. mikasa made her way into the kitchen, smiling when she saw you. “eren leave my date alone,” she joked, leaning down to give him a kiss. what you thought would be a peck, was a passionate kiss. you caught glimpses of their tongues slipping into the other’s mouth before you had to look at the floor. 

“let’s go sit out back,” mikasa said to you as she pulled away from eren’s lips, panting.

it was now june, and you found yourself in the countryside of italy, lying on your bed, reading a book. the wedding was to take place in two days, the happy couple renting out a villa for the guests to stay at. your window was open to cool down your room, the slight breeze brushing across your legs, the noise of crickets softly easing the silence of the night. 

your peace was interrupted by a knock on your door. you huffed out a breath, swinging your legs off of the bed and onto the floor, making your way to the door. you looked through the peephole, sucking in a breath after looking through it. mikasa and eren stood outside your door, both in nightclothes. you felt anxious, worried that something was wrong, but opened your door nonetheless. 

“hey, are you guys alright?” you spoke softly, both eren and mikasa nodding. “can we come in?” eren said, you nodded in response, still confused but holding the door open for the couple. “we want t-” eren started before mikasa cut him off with her hand. at mikasa’s interruption, eren went to shut your window with an explanation of “it’s so cold in here,”.

“i’m sorry about that,” she sighed, “eren thinks we should’ve done this months ago, so now he’s being overly blunt, but i think there’s a polite way to go about it,” her voice was low, but still had the same softness along with it. “we wanna fuck you,” eren blurted out, your jaw dropping at his words. “eren!” mikasa punched his bicep, eren grinning sheepishly. 

“what? it’s true,” he rationalized. you were still reeling at his words and mikasa could tell. she made her way over to you, her hand rubbing at your shoulder as she spoke, “you’ve done so much to help us, and we’ve both wanted to from the start,” she looked at you intently, searching your expression. “jus’ wanna help you out,” eren joined in. 

“do you want that?” mikasa said, pulling her hand away in fear of making you uncomfortable. you nodded meekly, unable to hold eye contact with either of them. “look at me and say it,” mikasa’s voice was more stern now. you looked up at her, meeting her eyes that had seemingly grown darker.

“yes, want it,” you were panting, yet you hadn’t done anything to run out of breath. “good,” eren sighed from beside you, his lips quickly finding purchase along your neck as he left kisses along the expanse of skin, suckling at different spots. 

mikasa’s hand fell to your chin, lifting your face up before leaning in for a kiss. you fell stiff for a second, before melting into her lips. their lips were sending you into overdrive, mikasa’s hand falling to the back of your head to pull you in closer. 

she pulled away, a string of saliva connecting your lips together, her eyes glossed over with desire. “arms up” eren commanded plainly as he moved away from your neck. you obliged quickly, mikasa’s hands grabbing at the bottom of your shirt and pulling it over your head. 

“fuck,” mikasa sighed, her eyes boring holes into your breasts. you were getting ready for bed so you hadn’t had a bra on, your nipples stiffening at the brush of cold air. “so pretty, isn’t she kasa’” eren sighed, turning towards his soon-to-be-wife.

mikasa simply nodded, licking her lips before her hand gravitated towards your breast, groping softly at the skin. you threw your head back at the slight contact, trying to calm your heartbeat and the thoughts rushing through your head. too consumed with the situation, you hadn’t notice eren’s lips on your nipple until you felt his tongue lick at the hardened pebble.

you whimpered softly at the feeling, eren laughing against your skin, taking your moans as encouragement. eventually, eren’s mouth was wrapped around one nipple, mikasa’s wrapped around the other. your hands fell to their hair, your mind reeling at the pleasure.

you couldn’t help but look down at them, the sight increasing your pleasure. your eyes shifted between the two of them, eren’s eyes twinkling with mischief, mikasa’s laced with desire. 

“i think she deserves a treat, don’t you think so eren?” mikasa mumbled against your skin. eren simply nodded, his hands playing with the waistband of your sleep shorts. 

you found yourself now, lying against eren’s chest, eren’s back up against the headboard, your shorts discarded along with your panties. eren’s hands traced patterns on the sides of your hips as mikasa ran a finger through your slit. she lifted her finger up in the light, your arousal evident on the digit. 

“you’re excited, huh?” eren teased from behind you. you could feel his bulge pushing into your lower back, and you shifted to roll against it, eren letting out a soft sigh. one of eren’s hands drifted down towards your clit while mikasa placed kisses on your thigh, slowly inching towards your dripping center, but avoiding it to tease you further. 

“make her wait a little, babe’”, mikasa looked up at eren, a smirk on her face. “she’s been good,” eren said, his voice soft. his thumb now rubbed soft circles into your clit, your head falling onto his shoulder. “w-want more,” you whimpered, attempting to thrust into eren’s thumb. 

“see?” mikasa said from below you, staring right up at you, “give her a little and she starts begging like a whore,”. you whimpered at her words, desperate for some relief, desperate for an orgasm, desperate for something, anything. 

“you want it?” she asked, slowly inserting one of her finger’s into your dripping hole. “yes! p-please,” you begged, desperate for mikasa’s mouth and fingers. she just chuckled, letting out a plain “fine,” before her lips wrapped around your clit sucking on the bundle of nerves. 

“fuck!” you yelped, eren’s hand now groping at your breast as he littered kisses along your shoulder and neck. mikasa now had two fingers inside of you, their speed increasing as she placed kitten licks on your clit. you squirmed from the pleasure, the feeling overwhelming, your body telling you to get away, but you loved it. you wanted more, “more!” you whimpered.

mikasa’s mouth now met her fingers at your entrance, licking below your clit. eren’s hand drifted down towards the bundle of nerves, rubbing quick figure eights, your hips spasming at the feeling. “g-gonna cum!” you shouted, possibly a little too loud.

“yeah?” eren sighed, “gotta ask us first,”. you looked down a mikasa, her eyes the only thing you could see. “need permission to cum,” she mumbled into your pussy, the vibration sending shock waves through your body. it was hard to hold back, you needed to cum, but you couldn’t, not without permission. 

“p-please! i’ll be so good, just need to cum, need it bad, need it please!” you moaned loudly, your hips bucking into mikasa’s mouth and eren’s hand. “think she deserves it?” mikasa asked, looking up at eren. she moved away from your dripping center, her fingers still plunging in and out of you as she waited for eren’s response. 

“i think she’s been good,” eren answered, looking down at mikasa. he turned towards you, his lips tickling your ear, “you’ve been good right? good girls deserve to cum,” you moaned loudly at his words. you couldn’t hold back anymore, you needed it. “cum,” mikasa said plainly, her lips falling back to lick at your dripping hole. 

at her permission, your mind fell blank, your hips short-circuiting, your orgasm building until you fell over the edge. it resonated throughout your body, sending a hum throughout your system. you had never felt this fucking good. 

as you came down, mikasa slowly slid her fingers out. you were panting, your chest rising and falling rapidly as you met mikasa’s eyes, a smile on her face. she turned away from you, looking towards eren before speaking, “wanna taste her?”. you looked back to eren, still hazy from your orgasm to meet his enthusiastic nodding and the smirk on his face.

eren opened his mouth, mikasa slipping her fingers onto his tongue. he wrapped his lips around the digits, suckling. the image made your center throb, eren staring right at you as he licked your arousal off of mikasa’s fingers. 

“what? something wrong?” mikasa teased as she removed her fingers from eren’s lips, your mouth wide open at what you had just witnessed. “w-wanna watch, wanna see you both, together,” you said shyly. eren and mikasa just smiled at you before turning back to one another, and leaning in for a kiss.

their lips locked with a moan, the image before you reminding you of that day in their kitchen. only now, they were doing it because you wanted them to, because you wanted to watch. “fuck,” you sighed, crossing your legs in hope of friction, in hope of some relief.

the sensitivity from your orgasm had worn off, eren and mikasa kissing in front of you causing a spike in your libido. “want you both to suck my cock,” eren said breathlessly, pulling away from mikasa. you looked over at mikasa for reassurance, and she nodded with a soft smile. you looked back to eren, settling yourself next to mikasa, in between his legs. 

at some point he had gotten rid of his pants, the only thing separating you from his cock being his boxers. mikasa palmed at his erection through the fabric as you watched her movements before looking back up at eren timidly. his hand drifted down to your hair, rubbing at your head in appraisal.

you gave him a soft smile before reaching for the waistband of his boxers. with mikasa’s help, you pulled the cloth from off of his body, being met with his hard cock. the tip was an angry red and leaking precum, and you could’ve sworn it twitched slightly. how long had he been like this?

no matter, you were going to help him now, you were gonna take good care of him. you wanted to help him and mikasa, wanted them to take care of you. you licked a stripe up his cock, mikasa acting as a parallel on the other side. 

you heard a low groan from above you, taking it as encouragement as you wrapped your lips around the tip of his cock before lightly sucking. you licked at the underside of his cock, and in the corner of your eyes you could see mikasa licking at the base of his cock, her hand fondling with his balls. 

“fuck,” eren sighed from above you. you wanted to hear him moan more, so you took him deeper down your throat, mikasa licking at what you didn’t reach. eren let out more sighs and whimpers, throwing his head back at the feeling. you pulled off of his cock, spit covering his length as you switched spots with mikasa. 

she took his whole length down her throat, deepthroating him, a slight gag sounding throughout the room. you couldn’t help but whimper at the sight before you, wanting to do the same as mikasa, wanting to take him as good as her.

“wanna try?” she panted, pulling away from eren’s cock as she looked at you. you nodded, afraid to respond verbally, fearing that your words would do you an injustice. she wrapped one hand in your hair, pushing you towards his cock. before you could wrap your lips around his tip she spoke, “if you wanna pull off, tap eren’s thigh twice, okay?” she announced, looking at you for reassurance. you muttered out an ‘i will,’ wrapping your lips around eren’s cock.

“take him nice and slow,” mikasa said from behind you, her hand still in your hair. you could hear eren’s fluttery sighs, the sounds increasing the arousal collecting at your dripping hole. “t-take your time, pretty,” eren groaned from above you. you looked up at him and as you met his eyes, eren let out a moan, throwing his head back. 

“if you look at me like that, i’m gonna blow,” he teased, the light laugh at the end of his sentence turning into a moan. “ready to take him all the way?” mikasa asked, and you nodded as best you could with your mouth full of his cock. 

mikasa slowly but surely pushed your head further down his cock, your throat filling with his length. you gagged slightly right before bottoming out, eren verbally reeling at the feeling. as you reached the base of his cock, you gagged once more, your eyes watering at the pressure. you could feel your jaw becoming sore, your nose taking in harsh breaths, but you reveled in the feeling. 

you wanted eren’s cock deep down your throat, wanted to be good for him. mikasa pulled you off his length, a line of saliva in between your lips and the tip of his cock. “did so good,” mikasa assured you, pulling you in for a kiss. you relished in the feel of her lips on yours. she pulled away from you, leaning up towards eren and kissing him. “so hot,” you sighed absentmindedly, eren and mikasa laughing into the kiss.

“yeah?” eren teased, “i think you’ve yet to give me a kiss,” intense eye contact being shared between you two. you leaned up next to mikasa, hovering your lips over eren’s before closing your eyes and kissing him. his kiss was different from mikasa’s but similar in the pleasure you felt from it. you pulled away with a blush flushing across your cheeks.

“c-can i watch first?” you asked, looking between both eren and mikasa before looking down at your hands. mikasa’s hand grabbed at your chin, lifting your head up to look at her. “wanna watch him fuck me first?” you nodded enthusiastically.

eventually you situated yourself against the headboard, eren and mikasa next to you. he had her in doggystyle, his hands grabbing at her backside before he positioned the tip of his cok at her entrance. eren pushed in, both of their faces contorting in pleasure. your hand drifted down to your clit, rubbing soft circles onto your clit as you witnessed the scene unfall in front of you.

as eren began to thrust faster inside of her, mikasa’s head fell into the pillow, her moans slightly muffled by the mattress. your pace on your clit increased as the pace of eren’s thrust increased. his hand barreled down onto her ass, the smack sounding throughout the room. mikasa let out a yelp at the feeling, your bottom lip now situated between your teeth in response to the couple before you. 

eren had grabbed at mikasa’s hair, pulling her back to rest against his chest. “cum on my cock,” he commanded, thrusting into her harshly. mikasa obliged with a moan that was close to a shout. eren let go of her hair, mikasa falling back into the pillow as eren’s thrusts slowed. 

eren pulled out of mikasa, giving her a light tap on the ass before rubbing at the small of her back. “did so good,” he muttered out softly, his eyes falling onto you. “want you to ride my cock,” he said plainly, smiling at you. “do you want a condom, o-or do we need to get one because i kno-” you rambled, “are you safe?” eren asked softly. you nodded, assuring him that you got tested a month ago and hadn’t hooked up with anyone else in between now and then. 

“are you on the pill,” you nodded once again, no verbal response this time. “well then i think it’s alright if i leave you with a big load, deep inside of you, huh? would you like that?” you nodded, unable to respond, your cheeks heating up. “ do you think that would be nice, mikasa?” eren asked his fiance, who now leaned up against the headboard.

“i think she wants it real bad, think you should give it to her,” she taunted, staring at you. “think you’re right,” eren said as he laid down on the bed, his head on the pillow. “want you on my face, kasa’, and you on my cock, angel,” you whimpered softly, situating your legs on the outside of eren’s thighs. you held the tip of his cock at your entrance, pushing it inside of you as you slowly slid down his length. 

“f-fuck,” you sighed as you bottomed out, eren’s cock brushing up against that spot against you. mikasa was rocking her hips against eren’s mouth, her fluttery moans sounding throughout the room. you began to slowly bounce on eren’s cock, your hands placed on his toned stomach for support. as his cock pushed in and out of you, reaching deep inside of you, mikasa pulled you in for a kiss, moaning into your lips. 

she pulled away with a smirk, her face contorting in pleasure soon after. “fuck! do you like it?” she moaned, flicking her hips against eren’s tongue more eagerly. “like him deep inside of you?” she continued, to which you nodded, unable to verbalize your pleasure, grinding against eren’s cock. 

it all happened in an instance, you felt a sting on your face, your eyes tearing up slightly from the pleasure and the unanticipated pain. “i expect an answer when i ask you something,” mikasa said, her voice airy but the seriousness behind her tone still evident. she had slapped you. god, you wanted more. “y-yes i’ll answer!” you moaned, bouncing on eren’s cock with earnest. 

“f-fuck gonna cum!” mikasa yelped, her hips stuttering. eren’s hand fell on her hips, rocking her against his tongue, licking at her pussy until she fell apart on his face. after reaching her peak she swung her leg over, resting on the bed beside you and eren’s figures. “f-fuck angel,” eren groaned, “ride my cock just like that,”. you bounced more eagerly now, desperate for orgasm. you were so close. 

“cum on my cock, come on wanna see you cum all over me,” eren’s words were the final push, your walls clenching around eren’s cock as you came. “fuck!” eren all but yelled, his hands grabbing at your hips. “g-gonna, gonna” he moaned before he came, his hot load released deep inside of you. “s-so warm,” you sighed, falling further into that hazy space. 

eren lifted you off his cock slightly as you winced at the stretch. after pulling you off his cock, he laid you to the opposite side of him, pulling both you and mikasa into his figure. he left a kiss on your forehead before softly speaking,  “did so good for us,”. mikasa hummed in agreement before her soft voice sounded throughout the room, “so good,”.

the wedding had taken place and it was beautiful. the ceremony was stunning, and you found yourself crying at their vows, the love they shared so evident in the way the looked at one another. 

they drove off from the villa in a silver 1954 corvette, just married reading as the license plate. the wedding invitees waved them off, whistles sounding off into the distance. you had spent a couple more days in italy after the wedding, spending your time at a hotel, adventuring, and trying out restaurants.

before you were set to leave for home, your phone pinged with a message, the contact name reading ‘eren jaeger & mikasa jaeger’. reading the text left a smile on your face and a feeling of anticipation to thrum throughout your system.

‘the honeymoon is amazing!! we wanted to thank you again for all your help. we’ll be back in the states in a week. hopefully you’ll find time to fit us in your schedule, there’s so much to discuss. we need your expertise on a wide variety of matters, so many more weddings for us to plan and all that;)’

fin

HEY! thank you so much for reading :D this fic is legit a dream fantasy, new nightime scenario :/// in all seriousness, i loved writing this so it means a lot that you’re reading it.

love u love u love u love u

take care of yourself <3

[notyoongisideblog]

Maybe in Another Life

Read on Ao3 Here

Pairing: Producer!Yoongi/Writer!Jimin

Genre: Angst/Fluff (but sometimes you have to squint for the fluff)

Word Count: 6.3k

Chapters: 1/3

Warnings: Mentions of manipulation and unhealthy relationships

Summary: Yoongi and Jimin broke up six months ago on the eve of Yoongi’s 6 month job in the United States. They both agreed they should, they both had valid reasons to do so. It was the mature and healthy adult thing to do... right? 

When Yoongi comes back everything feels different, and unfortunately also the same. 

Or, a horribly angsty fic that’s going to have a happy ending!

Chapter 1 / Chapter 2

----

Jimin woke up, for a moment blissfully unaware of the calendar. He got up slowly, at least thirty minutes before his eight AM alarm. He had been doing better lately, he had formed a normal sleep schedule, had stopped binge drinking, and most importantly had stopped obsessing over Min Yoongi. 

It had taken much longer to get to this point than he thought it would. To have some semblance of a normal life alone. Of course, he wasn’t truly alone. He had spent most of the last six months finishing his debut novel and trying to get it published. He smiled briefly at the thought of all of the late nights he had spent editing and re-writing alongside his agent, and arguably his best friend. 

Jin had always been there for him. Through everything, was just always there. Jin knew instinctively and immediately that Jimin didn’t want to talk about his breakup, knew that somehow he would eventually work it out on his own. But, he also knew that more than anything Jimin hated being alone. He knew this better than Jimin himself. And so when the inevitable happened, and Jimin called him crying, he didn’t ask what was wrong, he didn’t offer any muttered and meaningless apologies, he brought over a bottle of wine and they watched tv until Jimin finally fell asleep in his lap.

So now, Jimin was determined not to let his best friend down by being late to this meeting. They had worked so hard to get the book in front of this specific publisher. Jin had mentioned needing to pull some very large strings to get it where it needed to go, and Jimin winced to think what he was alluding to. 

Sometimes, it seemed like Jin put too much faith in his work. 

Nonetheless, he was determined to get out of the house on time. He pushed himself up and out of the bed, not once stopping to think of who had once inhabited it alongside him. He also didn’t think about said person when his eyes glazed over the toothbrush he still hadn’t thrown away. The bamboo one that sat right next to his green one. 

It was as if these things that had once caused him to fall on the floor in agony just weren’t there anymore. The toothbrush was simply a part of his bathroom with no special meaning attached to it, his bedsheets had been changed more than twenty times over. 

This was all before he took a moment to glance at his calendar on his phone. 

Of course. Of course it was June 9th. 

He closed his eyes against the sudden onslaught of pain in his chest. He could ignore this. He could push on. He would not allow himself to cry again on the tiled floor.

His finger twitched as it hovered over the screen. He had never deleted the small notification. Had never had the thought to do so, but it sat there, clear as day. He felt betrayed by a happier, more naive version of himself.

Yoongi is back today! <3 <3 

A small self-deprecating laugh found it’s way out of his lips as he shoved the phone back into his pocket. 

He hadn’t prepared for this new pain. 

But knew that he had caused it himself. He had broken up with Yoongi himself. Had laid out a list of reasons why they would never work out. Yoongi’s life in the public eye, Jimin’s want for a life where they could make decisions for the future not always having to keep in mind what the media might say, or what being outed might do to Yoongi’s career. He didn’t want Yoongi to feel he owed something to him, didn’t want him to feel as if he had to put Jimin before everything else. 

He had watched as their relationship had created hurdle after professional hurdle for Yoongi. Had watched him uncomfortably evade the question of who he was dating in interviews. Had on more than one occasion felt stabs of jealousy and guilt wracking through him as he watched him attend an award show, conversation flowing easily with any number of people in the same profession as Yoongi, apart of the same world that Jimin just couldn’t touch. 

He would be better off with someone like that. Someone beautiful, someone who made music, at the very least someone who hadn’t give up on their dream of being in that world like Jimin had. 

There were so many reasons to end it. 

And of course, Yoongi had agreed. Without a second thought he had agreed. 

Jimin closed his eyes, remembering the pain he swallowed down as Yoongi had simply stated “You’re right.”.

Some part of him had wanted Yoongi to tell him he was wrong, to tell him that he didn’t feel all of those things, that he would never need someone in his world, that Jimin was really just enough for him.

But he didn’t, and he had left to California the next day, leaving Jimin to rightfully clean up the mess he had made of his own life. 

He remembered justifying it to himself as Yoongi had walked out of the front door of his apartment for the last time. 

It was always going to end like this. It was never going to last, someone like Yoongi with someone like him. It just didn’t make sense. 

He would deal with these emotions later. He would find the time to sort through his theoretical proximity later. Today was about his work, and not the self centered prick he had somehow found himself in love with. 

Jimin jumped into Jin’s car with ten minutes to spare.

“You’re early?” Jin’s eyebrows shot comically high as his head whipped around, looking in an exaggerated fashion for some explanation for Jimin’s timeliness. 

“It’s not that crazy for me to be early Jin.” Jimin pouted towards the older man, crossing his arms in the passenger seat.

A small smile remained on the older man’s features as he gripped the steering wheel. Jimin noticed how his knuckles turned a touch white. Despite his attempts at humor and composure he was just as nervous as Jimin felt.

“Yeah, yeah. Off we go! Do you have everything?” Jin’s eyes scanned Jimin and his bag, hoping the younger man came prepared. 

Jimin held up his manuscript and rested his head back against Seokjin’s headrest. The emotions came bubbling up his throat again and he swallowed them down as he furrowed his eyebrows against the tears threatening to derail his morning. 

“Nervous Jimin-ah?”

He nodded his head, too scared to speak, too scared to open his eyes. He was frozen there until this wave passed.

“I feel good about this one, I really do. If anyone can do this we can right?” Jin’s voice betrayed his nerves.

Jimin nodded once again, finally swallowing down the current trying to sweep him away. 

He had Jin, and they could do this. 

He hadn’t needed Yoongi after all. 

-

Min Yoongi walked into his apartment slowly, flicking the lights on one by one as he made his way towards his bedroom. It looked as empty as he imagined it would on the plane ride over here. 

He dropped his bags on the floor to no fanfare, to no boyfriend hopping out from behind a door waiting to surprise him, no cheeky grin looking at him from behind a giant teddy bear. 

Nothing of the sort was there. 

It was just quiet. It was just cold. The way it had always been. He knew that at one point this was normal for him. Knew even more so that at one point this was comfort to him. His bed, the studio across the hallway, the couch he had spent so long waiting for after he had ordered it, the art that adorned the walls.

All of it had felt like home to him. But now it didn’t. He wanted to convince himself that he had been in America too long, had grown too used to the typically California styled apartment he had stayed in while producing, too used to the sun and the gentle breeze that would bring with it the scent of the ocean.

But the truth was he didn’t miss any of that at all. 

He had spent all of his time working himself half to death, convinced that if he proved Jimin right, something might feel okay again. Something that had gone horribly wrong within himself might just right itself. But it hadn’t. 

Yes, he had produced an incredible album, one he could hardly wait to be heard by more people. But he really did just want to show it to Jimin. He really did just want that puppy of a man in his bed, or on his couch, or hiding behind his door. 

Hell, he wanted him to be mad at him for not taking better care of himself while he was away. To be jealous of the people he was working with, to complain that he wasn’t getting enough attention, or to spill red wine on his cloud couch because he couldn’t keep his ass on the cushion. 

But he wasn’t there. 

That, he could admit now after all of these months apart was his own fault. He should have made him feel more secure. He had watched Jimin’s insecurities slowly eating him apart, but he had been too busy to do anything about it. He had been selfish. 

But all of this wouldn’t do him any good now. He had lost him, and of course Jimin had been right. They hadn’t been good for each other. 

Without a second thought for his appearance he dropped his bags on the floor and resolutely turned around, shoving the hat and shoes he had taken off by the door back on before dialing a familiar number. 

“Hyung?” The voice was groggy, and for the briefest of moments Yoongi felt an ounce of guilt. 

“Namjoon.”

“Is everything alright?” He could hear the younger man shuffling around, presumably picking his sleeping boyfriend off of him. Yoongi’s lip curled a touch at the reminder but he bit it back before responding. 

“I’ll take you up on the drinks offer now.” 

“Okay, i’ll meet you there in thirty minutes.” 

Yoongi knew Joon would pry some horrible confessions of feelings and pain and longing and loss out of him, but he also knew that if he were to spend one more moment in this horribly quiet and cold apartment alone he would simply lose it. So he rushed out of the door, mimicking Jimin as he always had in patting his body systematically before walking out of his door.

“P, W, K, okay!” 

For nearly the seventeenth time that week, Yoongi wondered whether his boyfriend’s head was screwed on tight enough. He was always saying what seemed to be children’s rhymes. As he tied his shoes, as he rummaged through his closet, as he decided how much to tip at a restaurant. 

“Okay, what is this rhyme now?”

“Phone, wallet, keys Yoongi.” Jimin’s tone implied that he should have known this all along. It simply should have been clear as day. 

“Of course it does.”

“You’ll thank me when you never lock yourself out of the apartment again.” Jimin walked forward as if to re-enter his apartment when Yoongi swung the door shut behind him. They had been heading out to Yoongi’s studio for what Jimin had titled a productive Sunday. 

“Keys, my keys are inside!” Jimin reached frantically for the door knob - his eyes widening as he stared at Yoongi, clearly expecting a solution from him.

“Shit.”

“K! K for keys Yoongi!”

“Aish keep your voice down. I have the spare at my apartment.” Yoongi walked away from the door, his hands shoved in his pockets as Jimin walked gingerly behind him.

“So you did keep the spare I gave you.”

“Only because I knew one day you would lock yourself out in a rainstorm or something.” Yoongi’s voice was low and muffled by his insistence on facing away from his boyfriend’s puppy dog eyes. 

“Or because you might have wanted to come over one day to surprise me? Say, for my birthday?”

Yoongi fought the urge to roll his eyes all the way into the back of his head. Jimin had been trying to spoil his own surprise party for the better part of the last month. 

“No.”

“Fine.” Jimin pouted the rest of the short distance to the studio, only speaking to Yoongi when they walked into the small and dark room.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Some tight and otherwise indescribable feeling sat in Yoongi’s chest as he chewed on Namjoon’s oddly blunt line of questioning. He picked at the label adorned to his beer glass, he fidgeted with the edge of the bar. 

Still he couldn’t seem to come up with a proper answer to such a simple question.

Did he miss Jimin?

He forced what was floating around in his head out into the world instead. 

“I just - I went home and my apartment was empty and all I could think about was how much better it felt when I wasn’t alone, and it felt horrible, I just turned around and walked out. I thought I was over this.”

“I think you were just working hard enough to avoid it.”

And Yoongi knew his friend was right. Knew of course that Namjoon had warned him of this exact situation happening. But still, had the decency to not even imply the words I told you so. 

Namjoon had always been the bigger person in their years and years of friendship. He had had to be, especially when Yoongi was younger and horribly at odds with the world around him. Yoongi smiled to think of all the times he had stormed away from Namjoon for telling him what he needed to hear instead of what he wanted to hear. Of all the times he had called Namjoon jealous, a liar, a hypocrite, only to come back moments later, crying and apologizing.

The taller man had always been emotionally mature, since they were kids. He always seemed to have two feet on the ground, and a firmer grip on reality than the people he surrounded himself with, Yoongi chief among them.

So he appreciated his friend now, even when the next words came out of his mouth. 

“Jimin is doing okay.”

“I didn’t ask.”

“But you were wondering.”

Yoongi looked away, the knot in his chest only growing tighter as he picked at the label more fervently. 

“He’s moved on?”

“Not with someone else if that’s what you’re asking?”

“Are you and Jin best friends now? Is that how you know this?”

“Don’t be like that Yoongi, you know I still talk to Jin.”

“Don’t ask him about Jimin!”

“I didn’t! I asked him about work.”

There was a small pause in the conversation as Yoongi considered why Jimin would have been brought up in a discussion about Jin’s work. When Yoongi had left to California Jimin had still been trying to figure out who he wanted to hire as an agent. Against his best judgement, Yoongi had tried to convince Jimin to work with his friend.

“Jimin-ah’s book?”

“It’s getting published.” Namjoon clearly tried to hide how proud he was when he said this. They had been friends after all, before Yoongi had ruined that for Jimin as well. It felt like taking away a child in a divorce. A horribly emotionally mature stumbling idiot of a child.

Yoongi clenched his jaw. It wasn’t that he wasn’t happy for Jimin. It really wasn’t. He was worried that Jimin might be sitting in his apartment celebrating alone. He could see him now, all curled up on his bed with a bottle of champagne, smiling at his manuscript. He was probably crying. 

Alone, like they had planned to be for these exact moments. 

Alone, as they should be. 

“Is Jimin happy?” The words left his mouth before he could stop them. Namjoon didn’t look surprised at all, and responded as if he had prepared for this question already. 

“I think there’s no way of knowing. At least not any ways that you would consider”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Yoongi leaned back a bit, his posture straightening as he waited for Namjoon’s response.

“I know that you wanted a clean break and that you wanted to hurt him the least that you could-” He paused, eyeing Yoongi cautiously before continuing 

“But, not all endings are cut and dry like that. If you speak a few more times maybe you can both get some closure. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll get back together.”

Yoongi’s grip on his glass tightened as he swiveled it around, the label now coming off.

“No, that was it. That was the last time. Everything he said was what he needed to say, and I told him everything I needed to say. There’s no additional closure to be had.” He turned toward Namjoon then, swiveling in his chair and continuing on “It’s been had, plenty of times over. It was always the same argument with Jimin. It was always time and space and wishing we had met in different lives as different people. What could have possibly changed between now and then? I certainly haven’t grown, I haven’t switched career paths. I- I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” Yoongi’s hands returned to his face as he dragged them down to his neck in a moment of frustration.

“Okay, just know if you do decide to talk to him it doesn’t have to be this black and white thing.”

“Ah, whatever I know” he raised the glass to his lips, gulping down all that remained before slamming it back in the table.

“Another round?” Namjoon still hadn’t finished his cup, but motioned to the bartender nonetheless.

Yoongi nodded, his eyes already travelling towards the door. It would be night time soon.

He felt empty. 

He felt silly for thinking about someone who left him. Someone who left him for reasons that he couldn’t deny made sense. 

He pushed another breath through his mouth as he turned back towards his friend.

“Let’s talk about something else.”

Namjoon nodded, pulling his phone out to show Yoongi a picture he took of a crab while him and Jungkook had been at the beach.

-

Jimin felt lighter after the meeting with the publishing house. He had successfully stamped down the theatrics building in his chest and had pitched his series exactly as him and Jin had planned it. It would happen in three parts, the first book, already written was about falling in love through hardship, the second, an inevitable breakup and loss in other aspects of life, and the third on acceptance and self love. 

They had seemed to be on board when he left and now it was up to Jin to iron out the details. He walked out of the building with a small smile on his face. Some part of him was hesitant to feel hopeful. This same part of him wouldn’t call his parents or friends to tell them the good news until his signature was on a legally binding contract. But, he could reason that a little bit of celebration was warranted. They had at the very least been receptive to his ideas and what he had already written. 

He resolved to stop at a store on the way home and buy himself a bottle of champagne. Fears of turning back to binge drinking be damned, he wouldn’t let his heartbreak stop him from this small celebration of all he had done so far. All he had accomplished without him. Like he said he would. Like Yoongi likely already had done. 

His mind drifted idly back to the date as he boarded the bus. It was rush hour but folks hardly rode this route anymore. He was nearly alone but decided against sitting down. It was only a few more stops anyways.

He pushed air forcefully through his nose as he closed his eyes and thought of what it might have been like had he not began the conversation he had with Yoongi six months ago.

The producer would have come back from working on a successful album and Jimin would have shared with him the news of his novel. Maybe they would have gone out to drink somewhere they wouldn’t be photographed together, Yoongi always in a familiar mask and hat. 

He could see the two rings on the hat clinking together as he threw his head back in laughter. The creases that would form neat his eyes as he took a sip of his drink to hide his smile. He could envision the exact moment their eyes would meet, and they might both be thinking the same thing. They had done it. They had both achieved some goal and they had done it all while staying together. 

He opened his eyes to a harsher reality, his phone had been ringing. He glanced around the bus only to find one other passenger who was fast asleep. He struggled to swallow past the lump pushing its way up his throat. 

This would be Jin with updates.

Without a second thought he tapped his headphones to answer.

“Well, what did they say?” His heart hammered in his chest as a litany of scenarios ran through his mind unencumbered. 

Had they taken a second read only to find that there was too much editing to be done? Had they found another writer they would rather dedicate the time and money to? Had Jin given up on him?

“Jimin-ah.”

Now, Jimin sat down. 

He hadn’t even noticed he had done it. 

“Yoongi?”

“Let me see you. Please, Namjoon told me about your book I-”

Jimin ripped the headphones out of his ears, fishing his phone out of his pocket to hang up, his manuscript falling on the floor in the process, creating a much larger mess than he could handle. 

Blood rushed through his ears as he scrambled to pick everything up. His stop was next. 

He needed to get somewhere, anywhere else. He needed to distance himself from that man’s voice and the havoc it wreaked on him. His heartbeat felt like it was in his throat as it constricted around the emotions he had been keeping tamped down all day. 

He had to get home, he wouldn’t be seen like this in public. 

He rushed off the bus with most of the pages of his manuscript stuffed haphazardly into his bag, without a second thought he found himself in the liquor store scanning the aisles for what he knew would kill off this pain, at least for a night. 

He could hear rain begin to pick up its pace outside as he stood in line to check out, two bottles of champagne in his arms, as he picked at one of the labels. He eyed the door quickly and remembered that he didn’t have an umbrella. 

It was just as well that today would end like this. 

It was never really going to go as well as he hoped. He could hold on to the fact that he was likely getting published but that happiness seemed so far away now. He just felt cold, and like he needed to forget something again that he had already worked so hard to forget.

The cashier calling him forward broke him out of the loop he had found himself in. He placed the two bottles on the counter, reaching for his wallet and ignoring the gentle chimes from his phone. 

It was ringing again. 

“Big celebration huh?”

Jimin looked up confused, his eyes meeting the cashier’s who only motioned to the two champagne bottles he was placing into bags. 

“Ah, yeah that. Promotion at work.” 

“Congratulations, have a good night.” He handed Jimin the bag, accepting the cash that had been placed on the counter. 

Jimin nodded in thanks, turning quickly towards the door before the tears that had welled up in his eyes from the kind and simple congratulations could escape. 

He opened the door, pulling his jacket over his head as he rushed down the street. It would turn out to be of no use as the rain quickly soaked through the denim and onto his newly dyed hair. The purple color ran down his face and neck in rivlets, mixing with sweat, tears, and rain to stain his white shirt. 

He could see it happening but had no choice but to continue forward. He couldn’t just stand around and wait out the rain, he had to get home, to some sense of safety and normalcy that he had built up over these six months. He couldn’t let this man derail him like this. He wouldn’t. 

He reached his door and stumbled a bit, grabbing his bag and searching through it for his keys. 

A horrible feeling of defeat began to sink over him as he realized why they weren’t in his bag.

He had dropped them on the bus.

A quick hiss escaped from between his teeth, followed by a whispered but angry “Fuck!”

He placed his back against his front door, allowing the small ledge above his apartment door to protect him from the rain, even if it was only a little bit. He slid down until his butt met the wet concrete and pulled out his phone. 

He had at some point given Jin a spare key to his apartment, surely he still had it. 

He wiped the water drop off of the screen with a still dry portion of his t-shirt and glanced at the notifications. 

8 missed calls from Yoongi. 1 missed call from Jin. 1 voicemail from Jin. 

He clicked on the voicemail, bringing the phone up to his ear to hear his friend’s excited voice.

“Jimin, they really do love it. This was the right choice. I think they’re going to respect your ideas and your passion for this one. I had them write it into the contract, I know, I know you can thank me later and take me out to drink with all of the sign on bonus money I got you. But that will have to be later, there’s still a lot to review for the contracts for the next two books so i’ll be busy until at least nine, call me in the morning okay? I haven’t forgotten what today is. I know you think I did. You’re going to be alright Jimin-ah.”

Jimin kept the phone pressed to his ear as a voice gave him instructions on how to delete the message. Had it been that obvious that he was in pain? Had he not made any progress at all?

The tears fell more freely now as he acknowledged the pathetic situation he had found himself in. His head met his knees as he heard his phone buzz again. He picked it up, figuring the day couldn’t get much worse.

“You moved?”

“Why do you keep calling me?”

“Because I showed up to your apartment and you’re not even here.”

Jimin paused for a moment, his head whipping around to find the man on the other line.

“You’re not here.”

“I’m standing right in front of your door getting soaked, what do you mean?”

“I’m in front of my door getting soaked.”

Jimin took a moment to take in what Yoongi had said. He had shown up to Jimin’s door, after all of this time, and had stood in the rain, had continued to stay in the rain waiting for him to get home. 

But he wasn’t at the right door. This had always been like him. some grand romantic gesture with some point missing. Something so fundamental like remembering which apartment he lived in. It hadn’t even been that long at this point. Jimin certainly hadn’t forgotten Yoongi’s apartment number.

“My apartment number is seven.”

“Yeah, that’s where i’m standing.”

 Jimin paused for a moment, looking up at the door he had clearly stained with his purple hair dye. 

A silver “18” glinted mockingly down at him. 

Jimin shook his head, standing up to walk to the other side of the building, where presumably his ex would be.

He tried to calm his breathing as he trudged to the other side of the building, not listening to Yoongi’s explanation for why he was waiting at all. 

It was hard to listen when he had seen him in person for the first time in 6 months. He still wore the same hat, the same black mask, and a familiar trench coat. Nothing was new. Nothing had really changed about him. From a distance he could see that he was thinner and maybe a little bit drunk as he swayed slightly from side to side.

He would never offer such a lengthy explanation were he sober. Jimin hated that he remembered this about him. Hated that analyzing him like this came so naturally to him, something as easy as breathing. 

 He watched him talk into the phone, his free hand shoved deep into pockets that he could tell were soaked through. How long had he been there? He might have known had he been listening to him for the length of his explanation.

Jimin hung up his phone, his eyes still trained on Yoongi to watch his response.

He looked at his phone and covered his face with his hands, wiping what looked like rain from his face. Jimin felt guilty to hope they had been tears. But he did.

He walked towards him, feeling apart from himself as he did so. He couldn’t count how many times he had selfishly hoped that Yoongi would call him back, begging for another chance, offering something he shouldn’t. 

He looked at him now and knew he was still the same person with the same faults but continued walking forwards anyways. He knew it was a bad decision, the better decisions he could make stretched out before him like last minute exit signs as he continued forward. 

Call Jin

Call Tae

Turn Around

Go literally anywhere but towards the man that couldn’t and wouldn’t change

“Jimin?”

“Hi.”

“You didn’t move then?”

“No, i’m locked out - ” He motioned to his hair, indicating that he too had been waiting in the rain “How long have you been out here?”

“I don’t know, a while I guess.” He reached to take off his hat but hesitated, thinking better of it before allowing his hands to drop limp to his sides. “I’m back. I came back today, I don’t know if you remebered.”

“Of course I did” Jimin blinked away the rain getting into his eyes and pushed his hair back out of his face out of habit. 

“Of course you did.” Yoongi looked down at his feet. Before snapping his head up as if coming to a sudden realization.

“Your key, it’s on my keyring still.” He searched in his pockets and provided the ring to Jimin, holding it out almost as a peace offering.

Jimin hesitated. His fingers twitched as he considered letting Yoongi inside.

“You don’t have to invite me in I just - I just wanted to make sure you weren’t all alone on such an important day. I wanted someone to be there for you. I understand if you don’t want that person to be me.” Yoongi looked into Jimin’s eyes as he said this, the truth of his words sinking in to Jimin’s skin.

Jimin would have known he was being honest regardless. Despite all of the producer’s flaws, he never really lied to Jimin. He had been careless and selfish but he hadn’t ever taken advantage of him or deceived him. 

“You should -you should come in. I have two bottles of champagne and I probably shouldn’t drink them all alone anyways.” Jimin raised motioned to the two bottles in the bag that hung off his arm as moved towards his door, unlocking it easily, his eyes scanning Yoongi’s keys for anything different.

But still, they were the same. His apartment key, his studio key, a belt hook, Jimin’s key, and a small wooden keychain Jimin had bought him when he went to Malta with Tae. 

“You still have the Malta keychain?”

“It felt wrong to throw it away.”

Jimin opened the door and a blast of cold air conditioning immediately caused him to shiver. He eyed his ex who attempted in vain to seem like he wasn’t cold by tensing up his body to avoid shivering. 

Jimin laughed and surprised himself. It had come out so naturally, it was so easy to fall back into love with Yoongi and the way he acted. 

“What?” Yoongi looked at himself and then back at Jimin.

“You look like a drowned cat trying to be tough.”

Yoongi let out a breath then too, a small and deep chuckle making its way to Jimin’s ears. 

“Okay, i’m wet and your apartment is freezing.”

“I probably still have some of your clothes hold on.” Jimin didn’t dare look at the older man’s face, opting intead to make a beeline for his bedroom, leaving Yoongi dripping in his entryway. 

He took the momentary reprieve to collect himself. He looked at the bed he had woken up in this morning, suddenly acutely aware of who had slept in it only six months prior, his eyes traveled to the bathroom and the bamboo toothbrush that still sat in its holder. they traveled to the closet and the small selection of black hoodies that sat stuffed behind his winter coats. 

Had he ever really left the apartment?

Had they been apart at all?

He struggled in the moment to remember what he had felt like before this moment. Before this man came crashing back into his life so suddenly. 

He could remember the crying, he could remember the pain but suddenly he couldn’t grasp onto the moments he had felt happy without him.

Because wouldn’t they have been so much better if he were able to just call Yoongi and tell him about them?

Wouldn’t they have been so much better with a deep chuckle at the end of the phone line late at night?

Wouldn’t he have smiled more if he could still talk to Namjoon without remembering his heart breaking?

Wouldn’t he have laughed more at Jin’s jokes if he hadn’t felt so weighed down by his longing?

Wouldn’t he have been a better friend if he were happy and not lonely and lost?

“Jimin? Are you alright?”

“Coming!”

He grabbed a hoodie and a pair of his old dancing sweatpants from the closet and poked his head out of his bedroom. 

Yoongi looked so normal there in his hallway, scanning the pictures he had surely seen a million times before.

“Something interesting about those in particular?” He walked towards Yoongi, holding out the clothes hesitantly. 

If Yoongi thought anything about him still having his hoodies he didn’t remark on it, only pointed to the group of older photos towards the left. 

I never realized that you based that scene on this set of photographs. 

Jimin smiled, looking at the series of photographs of their small friend group at the beach, sitting on Jin’s truck. 

“I only ever write from experience.” 

“So you do.”

Their eyes met for a moment, Yoongi hesitating to say something. To Jimin this was clear as day, he seemed to chew on some imaginary thought, working his jaw as his eyes flicked between Jimin’s eyes. 

He allowed him the time to decide, as he had always done. 

“I read it.”

“My book?”

Yoongi nodded apologetically, his eyes cast towards the small puddle he was creating in shame.

“Namjoon-Hyung showed it to you didn’t he?”

“Just today.”

“Well now you know how I feel I guess?”

“Is that how you feel about us Jimin?

“Of course it is.”

“Then why would you do it? Why would you tell me to leave when you knew how much pain you were going to put me through? Put us through? Why couldn’t you just be honest with me?” His voice was barely above a whisper but it carried with it six months of anger and pain and loss and confusion that he had been holding inside of himself. 

“I just… I wanted to be happy, I wanted to be able to make you happy. I wanted to stop holding us back - and look you’re doing so great and i’m doing so great-” Jimin stopped to try and swallow the lump that had been continuously working its way up his chest. To blink away the tears that blurred the image of the cold and wet man before him. 

He was in pain, he missed Yoongi as a lover and more importantly as a friend, one that he would have killed to share the last 6 months with, even if it had been over the phone. The realization struck him so suddenly that he had made the decision to leave him out of guilt and self-loathing, and that to some degree he was at fault for all of the pain he was currently experiencing. 

This realization hit him like a truck.

He had been lying to himself more than he had ever lied to Yoongi. 

His chest suddenly felt tight, his knees felt locked into place. But he looked the man in front of him square in the eye nonetheless, wanting more than anything to be honest with him. 

“I’m sorry, I was wrong.” He fought the urge to look away from Yoongi’s gaze. 

[yamayuandadu]

Pride Month special: Manzat, the deified rainbow and her LGBT connection

Considering June is the Pride Month, I've decided to dedicate this month's first article to a rainbow-related topic too. Below the cut you can learn everything there is to know about the Mesopotamian goddess of the rainbow, Manzat (also spelled Mazziat, Manziat, Mazzet etc.) - her origin, role ascribed to her by ancient authors, associated deities and more. As promised by the title, the final section of the article deals with a text mentioning Manzat, which is, as far as I can tell, the oldest documented association between the rainbow and LGBT themes.

Manzat isn't exactly an A list goddess. Even calling her a B list one would be a stretch. Indeed, she's so obscure that we know more about many attendant deities than about her. She nonetheless is attested in many different sources, found in areas between the ancient states of Mari (in present day Syria) and Elam (in present day Iran). Manzat most likely has her origin among Akkadians in ancient Mesopotamia. Her name is pretty self explanatory – if written without the symbol known as “divine determinative” in front of it, it's simply the Akkadian term for the regular rainbow. While a Sumerian form of the name is known as well – Tir-anna (“Bow of heaven”) – the fact it appears to be a pun based on Akkadian homonyms (the sign used to write “Tir”means “forest” in Sumerian but was pronounced close to the Akkadian word for bow leading to such an usage in some Sumerian texts) makes it unlikely it arose naturally.

Between Elam and Mesopotamia

Curiously, it seems that despite Akkadian origin she was actually most popular in Elam, to the east of the Tigris. The first mention of her known today comes from the treaty of Naram-sin, king of Sumer and Akkad, with an unspecified ruler of a part of Elam, where she appears among the deities serving as its witnesses, alongside the crème de la crème of the Elamite pantheon – Pinikir, Humban (likely a “king of the gods” figure like Mesopotamian Enlil, venerated well into Persian times when parallels can be drawn about the cults of him and “Auramazda” - an early, not necessarily fully Zoroastrian form of Ahura Mazda), Inshushinak (the tutelary god of Susa who judged the dead) and so on. It needs to be pointed out that Manzat's “career” in Elam isn't a unique situation. While the Elamite language wasn't related to Sumerian or Akkadian – or to any other known language, living or extinct, for that matter – a number of Elamite gods have names borrowed from these two languages. In addition to Manzat, these include Lagamal (Akkadian - “no mercy,” an underworld deity), Ishmekarab (Akkadian - “hears the prayer,” a law deity) and Inshushinak (Sumerian - “Lord of Susa,” associated with both Lagamal and Ishmekarab). All of them appear in Mesopotamian texts too, but didn't have quite the same relevance there as in Elam. In turn the Elamite god Simut was adopted by the Mesopotamians as a personification of Mars and the goddess Pinikir became somewhat of an international sensation, showing up as far as west as in Anatolia, for example in the Hittite Yazilikaya sanctuary, possibly as a personification of Venus. While early researchers viewed Pinikir as a mother goddess, and this claim still shows up here and there today, renowned experts such as hittitologist Gary Beckman and archaeologist Kamyar Abdi, who studied this goddess in depth, demonstrated she was instead an “Ishtar type” deity. It's also possible the god Tishpak has his roots in Elam, though some scholars instead see him as a reflection of the Hurrian weather god Teshub instead.

The worship of Manzat

Sadly, there are no known myths about Manzat. What little we know about her comes mostly from sources concerned more with cultic than mythical affairs. For example records show that Manzat was reasonably popular as a deity invoked in theophoric names, both Akkadian and Elamite. Examples include Manzat-ili (“Manzat is my god”), Manzat-ummi (“Manzat is my mother”) and “Danum-Manzat” (“Manzat is mighty”). A number of shrines and temples of Manzat are recorded: in Mesopotamia in Nippur and Babylon (four shrines in that city alone), and in Elam in Susa, Hubshen ( present day Deh-e Now) and as a part of the famous Choga Zanbil site (the first photo in this article is a modern reconstruction). It seems in Elam she was often worshiped alongside the already mentioned Simut, and some researchers propose they were a couple; evidence from the Mesopotamian city of Der appears to indicate she was viewed as the wife of the local head god Ishtaran (no relation to Ishtar) there. However, the god list An-Anum doesn't list any husband in its brief Manzat section – only an otherwise completely unknown son, Lugalgidda, and a sukkal (vizier, second in comman), Sililitum. Sililitum's name is Akkadian, but appears to be the name of a month in the Elamite calendar as well. Ishtaran has no wife in this god lists, and some sources simply call his spouse “Šarrat-Der(i)” - “queen of Der.” One curious Elamite inscription refers to Manzat as “Manzat-Ishtar” - this doesn't necessarily indicate a conflation between her and the superstar of Mesopotamian mythology, though. It's possible that in this case “Ishtar” means an ishtar without the capital I: in some text, “ishtar” is a generic term for goddesses, not even necessarily of the “Ishtar type.” Examples of such usage of this term can even be found in Epic of Gilgamesh (tablet XI). No other sources associate Manzat directly with Ishtar – the latter's Elamite equivalent was Pinikir; as I’ll demonstrate later she was associated with another “Ishtar type” goddess though. It's possible that a goddess hiding behind the Akkadian title “Belet Ali” - “lady of the city” - was one and the same as Manzat. The fact that the enigmatic “Belet Ali” was associated with Simut in Elam strengthens this impression. A number of epithets are attested in god lists, among them “Lady of the regulations of heaven,” “Companion of heaven”   and “She who makes the city flourish.” Almost all of them highlight her nature as a celestial deity.

Astronomical role

Manzat's Sumerian name Tiranna – but seemingly not her Akkadian name – was also used to refer to an unidentified star. According to Gods, Demons and Symbols of Ancient Mesopotamia: An Illustrated Dictionary by J. Black and A. Green (p. 153, the Rainbow entry) horse head under a “gate” symbol present on some kudurru (Mesopotamian border markers) represents this star, but I can't find this claim anywhere else.

The horse head symbol on a kudurru (British Museum)

Manzat, Nanaya and the promised LGBT themes

While this is technically almost all there is to know about Manzat, the story doesn't end here. As I promised, I will now introduce a text which associated the rainbow – well, Manzat, to be specific, rather than the general idea of rainbows, but the point stands  – with broadly understood LGBT themes. The discussed text is a hymn to the goddess Nanaya. Nanaya was either a hyposthasis of Inanna/Ishtar, part of her entourage, or an independent but similar deity, and was first and foremost a goddess of love, including its corporeal and sensual aspect. In some hymns Inanna/Ishtar “tutored” Nanaya.

King Meli-Shipak and his daughter praying to Nanaya on a kudurru (wikimedia commons)

A reclining goddess, identified as a possible late depiction of Nanaya here (Louvre) The composition in mention a type of exaltation, praising the author's deity of choice by comparing their attributes to these of other gods. In the case of exaltation texts dedicated to Marduk this is often erroneously viewed as “monotheism” in sources of dubious quality, but that's not quite what's happening there. The purpose of such texts was to present the object of personal devotion as particularly grand and significant in the divine hierarchy by comparing their traits to these of other gods (eg. at mot henotheism, not monotheism); they are also not exclusive to Marduk, and they don't deny the existence of a multitude of gods (the famous Marduk exaltation still mentions his wife Sarpanit independently for example) According to the discussed tex Nanaya, to put it colloquially, swings both ways:

This passage was identified as referring to sexual matters already in the 1970s (A Sumero-Akkadian Hymn of Nanâ by E. Reiner, p. 233-234; the article is somewhat dated but a link can nonetheless be found in the bibliography). In an earlier strophe Nanaya states that she can take a male form (as a side note Reiner regards the form with “heavy breasts” as unusual for her):

While exaltation of a specific deity could include both gods and goddesses as their “aspects” (exaltation of Marduk included the goddess of victory Irnina among deities compared to him), in this case the mention of a bearded god is connected to a certain degree of fluidity of gender associated with many “Ishtar type” goddesses, especially with the Hurrian Shaushka. For Nanaya it's pretty uncommon, as far as I know appearing only in this single extraordinary text, and even here a result of association with her more famous “mentor” Ishtar  – but the point stands. In the rest of the hymn, goddesses Nanaya identifies herself with are enumerated. These include all the usual suspects (like various forms of Ishtar, important city goddesses, etc.), but also Manzat, here identified as the goddess of Der. Since the text describes Nanaya as – if you squint - interested in both men and women and perhaps genderfluid, it's pretty safe to say this is the oldest recorded association between the rainbow and lgbt themes, even though it has nothing to do with modern use of this symbol. If nothing else, it would be funny to bring this up next time someone claims the use of rainbow as a symbol of the LGBT community is “inappropriate” due to its biblical connotations – Manzat and Nanaya, while irrelevant today even by the standards of Mesopotamian deities, are after all figures of even greater antiquity. Happy Pride Month, everyone.

Bibliography

Manziʾat entry in Reallexikon der Assyriologie und vorderasiatischen Archäologie by W. G. Lambert is the source of most of the information in this article

Goddesses in Context: On Divine Powers, Roles, Relationships and Gender in Mesopotamian Textual and Visual Sources by J. M. Asher-Greve and J. G. Westenholz

Gods, Demons and Symbols of Ancient Mesopotamia: An Illustrated Dictionary by J. Black and A. Green

The Other Gods who are: Studies in Elamite-Iranian Acculturation Based on the Persepolis Fortification Texts by W. F. M. Henkelman

Elamite Temple Building by D. T. Potts

A Sumero-Akkadian Hymn of Nanâ by E. Reiner

Elamite Religion in Encyclopaeda Iranica

For more sources regarding Nanaya, other “Ishtar type” goddesses and their possible genderfluid character see my previous articles here, here and here.

[germanicseidr]

Winter Solstice

Today is the shortest day of the year, in terms of daylight of course. This always causes a debate amongst pagans on how to celebrate this event. Yes we do know for certain that the ancient pagans celebrated this astronomical event but how exactly did they celebrate it? Well if we only look at the ancient Germanic tribes of the iron age, we do not know. There are some written records by the early medieval Scandinavians and some left over traditions that predate Christianity that can give us some clues.

First we'll look at the name, Yule. The word is derived from the Proto-Germanic word Jehwla, meaning either party or celebration, which turned into the old Norse word Jól which in turn turned into the old English geol and eventually in the modern English Yule. The festival is called Joel in Dutch, Jul in German, Swedish and modern Norwegian and Joli/Noël in French.

There is also a debate on the length of the Yulefest and when it exactly starts. The ancient Germanic people did not use a calendar like ours but rather counted the moons, that is why there is no exact starting date but a lot of modern heathens use the 20th of december as a starting date. The same modern heathens that use the 20th as a start, also often use the same length for the holiday, 12 days until 6th of january, this is similar to the Christians who end the Christmas holidays on 6th januari on Epiphany day.

The first written record that actually mentions Yule comes from the Gothic people around the 6th century AD, their calendar mentions the month 'fruma jiuleis' which is the equivalent of our month of december, there is a theory that it could actually be two months, both november and december. Another written record that mentions Yule comes from the 8th century and was written by Bede, an English monk. Bede wrote about the Anglo-Saxon calendar which includes the month geola, the modern equivalent of december or both december and january.

There is a very good chance that the name actually refered to a month meaning that the celebrations could have lasted for a month or even two. Why do many modern heathens celebrate it at the same time period as the Christians do? This might have something to do with king Haakon I of Norway. In a saga about him, the saga of Haakon the good, he passed down a law which established that Yule celebrations were to take place at the same time as the Christians celebrated their Christmas. This might be the reason why many modern pagans also celebrate Yule in a 12 day period.

So in fact it could very well have been the pagan who stole the whole concept of the '12 days' from the Christians instead of the other way around. But where does the Christian christmas come from then? I'm sure everyone here is familiar with the whole nativity story of Jesus' birth but it seems that his birth on 25th of december is very coincidental. Almost every religion views the end of december as a special period, a time of death, darkness and rebirth. Where does it all come from? The answer is in fact quite simple, it has to do with the astronomy.

For the people on the northern hemisphere of the planet, the winter months were extremely harsh and rough. Crops won't grow in the cold, trees won't provide their fruits and animals are scarce, not to mention of course the cold weather. The days are short and getting shorter and shorter until the winter solstice, at the solstice the sun appears to stop moving for a few days and then it slowly moves up again, the days are getting longer and the much needed warmth for food and survival finally returns.

This was such an important event, for the human survival, that it is not strange for humans to view this period, during the shortest days, as sacred or divine. That is per example where the birth of Jesus comes in, Jesus was born on 25th december, the hope and light of mankind. But it is not only Jesus who is connected to this date. It is thought that the life of Jesus is based on multiple pagan Gods, one of which is the Egyptian God Horus, the God of the sky. Both are born on 25th december, both are born of a virgin and both were led by stars during their birth and both were resurrected after death.

Here are some more deities who are connected to the Yule period: Dionysus, Attis, Krishna, Mithra, Jesus, Horus and Wodan. There are in fact more but it would be quite the list if I mention them all. Why are so many important deities connected to the winter solstice and to the concept of birth/rebirth and death? Well all of these deities might simply represent the astronomical event of the sun 'dying' during the period of the shortest days and then being 'reborn' when the days start to get longer again. And since this event was closely connected to our own survival as a species, it is not strange why this was celebrated so fiercely by the ancient pagans.

One famous story, which is more connected to the ancient Germanic tribes of mainland Europe than to the later medieval vikings, is the story of Wodan's wild hunt. It is said that somewhere around november, Wodan would join the hunt, which consisted of ghostly riders, and ride the skies of midgard looking for souls to take with him. If you were unfortunate enough to see Wodan riding in the sky, you would die and join his hunt. That is the origin of some traditions that are still being celebrated in Europe like the Dutch/Belgian Sinterklaas and Sint Maarten. Also the Dutch tradition of blowing the Midwinterhorn is said to have originated from pre-Christian traditions, a way to greet Wodan and his hunt, the official start of the cold and dark days. Wodan's hunt curiously lasts about 2-3 months which could be the same length as the ancient Yule celebrations.

Another Germanic tale that is quite similar to the old pagan Gods and the Christian Jesus that I have mentioned just before, is the tale of Baldr. Baldr can be associated with the sun and he is slain by his blind brother, his death could have triggered the darkening of the days but this tale can also perfectly relate to the summer solstice instead. His death at the summer solstice would have been the start of 'the death' of the sun which happens on 21th june. So it is possible for modern heathens to honour Baldr on either the summer or winter solstice.

But how did the ancient Germanics celebrate Yule exactly? We sadly do not know why exactly but if we look at the lifestyle of an average Germanic person, it would have involved making offerings and holding feasts. There is in fact a description of the Yule fest written by early medieval Scandinavians:

"It was ancient custom that when sacrifice was to be made, all farmers were to come to the heathen temple and bring along with them the food they needed while the feast lasted. At this feast all were to take part of the drinking of ale. Also all kinds of livestock were killed in connection with it, horses also and all the blood from them was called hlaut (sacrificial blood), and hlautbolli, the vessel holding the blood and hlautteinar, the sacrificial twigs.

These were fashioned like sprinklers, and with them were to be smeared all over with blood the pedestals of the idols and also the walls of the temple within and without and likewise the men present were to be sprinkled with blood. But the meat of the animals was to be boiled and served as food at the banquet. Fires were to be lighted in the middle of the temple floor, and kettles hung over the fires. The sacrificial beaker was to be borne around the fire, and he who made the feast and was chieftain, was to bless the beaker as well as all the sacrificial meat."

The ancient Germanic people did not leave any written records behind on how and when they celebrated Yule so there is no one 'single' way to celebrate it. The purpose behind the celebration is clear, they and we still celebrate the returning of the light, by putting lights inside our homes (like yule logs and christmas trees). It is alright if you celebrate Yule in a period of 12 days or, if means allow you to, celebrate it for a full two month period.

It also doesn't really matter what religion you belong to because the message of Yule seems to be universally the same, at least on the northern hemisphere. We celebrate the return of light and warmth so that we can grow our crops again, feed ourselves and our animals and enjoy the warmth of the sun. The december month is synonymous with cold, darkness and death but also gives us hope that the sun will return again. Have a happy Yule everyone.

Here are images of: Painting of the wild hunt by Peter Nicolai Arbo, 1872. Another image of the wild hunt by an unknown artist. Burning of the Yule log and a Christmas tree. The Dutch tradition of Midwinterhoorn. How the ancient Germanic people could have celebrated Yule by Angus McBride.

[foodbytesback]

The Rise and Fall of Bon Appetit

Sometimes life comes at you fast.  Sometimes, that means stories in the food industry break in such rapid succession that you have no time to blink in between.  Sometimes, it means someone found out about something racist you did a few years ago.  What happens when it’s both?  Ask the fine folks at Bon Appetit.

In recent years, Bon Appetit made a name for itself, rising from the ashes of dying print media, through its Youtube channel featuring a diverse cast of personalities.  But over the course of this past week, many of the publication’s executives have been found to foster a toxic workplace culture, rife with racism, sexism and homophobia.  

Before I get too deep (because this is going to be a long one), I feel the need to point out that while this story’s breaking happened to coincide with Black Lives Matter protests across the country and gained traction from people’s outrage towards inequality, the events that have unfolded should not be blamed on “cancel culture,” “political correctness run amok” or any other reactionary dismissal of critical thinking.  Adam Rapoport didn’t lose his job because Black Lives Matter, Black Lives Matter came to be because of the damage that many in positions of power like Rapoport have done in both mainstream media and society as a whole.

[Also, yes, there are going to be a lot of links to Instagram posts that have been screenshotted and uploaded to Twitter.  Clearly the real takeaway from this debacle is that I need to get an Instagram account.  Also also, thanks to Tumblr’s new rules about offsite links, you’ll have to go to my main site for the full receipts.]

Preamble

Shortly after the killing of George Floyd, Adam Rapoport, Editor-in-Chief at Bon Appetit, wrote an editorial highlighting some of the coverage they’ve given to black chefs.  Many criticized this as being superficial and performative, with others saying that BA has, on numerous occasions, shut down articles relating to black culture for not being “trendy” enough or otherwise was discriminatory towards black employees. (Also, the repeated use of “uprisings” instead of “protests” seems a little suspicious.)

An article from Eater criticized the role BA played in the appropriating and whitewashing of many cultures’ ingredients and cuisines (gochujang, Aleppo pepper, and sumac seem to be some of BA’s favorite ingredients) that had become prevalent in food media in recent years.

While it’s a fairly minor offense in comparison, it may also be worth bringing up the time Rapoport accidentally called Priya Krishna “Sohla,” the name of his other Indian employee.

Monday, June 8th

Food writer Tammie Teclemariam posted a screencap of an Instagram post made by Rapoport’s wife, which depicted the two of them donning Puerto Rican stereotypes as Halloween costumes, brownface and all.    

Many were quick to declare their outrage and demand that Rapoport either resign or be fired.  Meanwhile, Sohla El-Waylly, one of the leading stars of the Youtube channel, was one of the first BA employees to speak up, and disclosed that this kind of behavior was just the tip of the iceberg.  She said that BIPOC workers have been paid disproportionately for their work, including not being paid a per-video commission that the white stars of the Youtube channel receive. 

Molly Baz, one of the aforementioned white stars, announced that she would no longer make videos for BA until all of El-Waylly’s demands were met.  One by one, their white coworkers chimed in in agreement.  

Former staff photographer Alex Lau also wrote an extensive tweet thread about his experiences at BA, including how he had futilely tried to fix the system from within.

By the end of Monday, Adam Rapoport had resigned from his position as Editor-in-Chief.

Tuesday, June 9th  

Since Rapoport’s official resignation did little to fix many of the systemic problems in place at BA, many began to turn their attention to other senior members of the staff.

Some came for Andrew Knowlton, the Restaurant Editor, for behaviors such as gaslighting an employee for trying to bring up racist practices in the offices.

Others called out Matthew Duckor, a VP at Conde Nast and BA’s former “Head of Video” (Did a 3 year old come up with that job title?), for a series of old racist and homophobic tweets.  He tried to apologize by saying that he was young and didn’t know any better at the time, but many were quick to point out that he was, at the youngest, 20, aka for all intents and purposes An Adult when he wrote those tweets. 

Tammie Teclemariam returned to ask current and former BA employees to DM her information about Duckor that they didn’t want to go public with themselves, ranging from his hand in the aforementioned pay disparity to making inappropriate comments towards women.

Teclemariam also did even more social media muckraking and found that Drinks Editor Alex Delany had once decorated a cake to look like a Confederate flag, while others found things like a Vine where he says the f-slur and some questionable comments about women on this Tumblr.  He later deleted his Tumblr and Twitter, and issued a cookie-cutter apology on his Instagram.

She also vague-tweeted that Brad Leone, one of the most beloved stars of the Youtube channel, is “possibly not a great guy,” but later added, “don’t fret.” At that point, some began to accuse her of just trying to stir the pot.

Ultimately, Matt Hunziker, director and camera operator for Leone’s show, reported that the higher ups were ignoring the situation regarding the pay disparity, and that they were not “learning and growing.”

Wednesday, June 10th

By this point, journalists were able to do more thorough investigations and put together exposés that were more than a blurb about an accusation followed by a nut graph.

Business Insider published an article where they interviewed 14 current and former BIPOC employees of Bon Appetit.  In addition to information already discussed above, it also described events such as an incident where several BIPOC staffers were told they weren’t allowed the test kitchen. (Carla Lalli Music, the Food Director at the time, would later defend her stance in the affair on Twitter.)  Ryan Walker-Hartshorn, a black woman who served as Rapoport’s personal assistant, recalled that she would often spend her day doing menial tasks like polishing her boss’s golf clubs or trying to teach his wife how to use Google Calendar.  In another incident, Knolton called Rick Martinez a “one trick pony” for only developing Mexican recipes, which is what he was being forced to do so BA could tout “diversity” bonus points.  Martinez would also say that the magazine under Rapoport’s tenure “went from old and irrelevant and white-washed content to young and trendy white-washed content." (Martinez would also upload a more graphic description of the treatment he received  to his Instagram that same day.) Later that day, Business Insider would also report that Duckor had left the company.

Vice would liken Rapoport to Michael Scott from The Office, but noted that that kind of bumbling, endearingly insensitive bad boss archetype isn’t as charming in the real world where real employees are being affected.  Parallels were also drawn between the Youtube channel and The Office itself, stating that the “quirky workplace” facade put on in the videos helped hide the more sinister practices that lurked beneath the surface, and that the notion that they were “one big family” often pressured BIPOC into doing more than their fair share for the greater good.

Jezebel showed email transcripts where Rapoport argued the semantics of having his costume be called “brownface” when he wasn’t wearing makeup, and had to be explained to, like a child, that the term refers to the racist caricature and not the literal act of putting brown makeup on one’s face.  What a douche.

Bon Appetit published an official apology on their site, a whole two days after the controversy began.  Many believed that their empty promises of “learning from their mistakes” were a day late and a dollar short.

Meanwhile, on Twitter, former BA writer Alyse Whitney said that senior editor Andy Baraghani had, on several occasions, used his influence to undermine her efforts. Whether this had to do with racism, sexism, or just Andy being petty is up for debate, but still constitutes as unprofessional behavior to say the least.

Thursday, June 11th

As interest in the story seemed to wane for many in the industry, Claire Saffitz, arguably the face of the Youtube channel, released another statement on her Instagram.  She said that her relative silence was due to taking time to find the right words, and that the same-old promises to “learn and grow” that most had been giving felt empty and performative. Unlike many of her white coworkers, she directly apologized for being complicit in the toxic environment  and for not using her status to try to leverage even pay for her BIPOC coworkers.  

Another BA Youtube personality, Amiel Stanek, also released a statement in response to BA’s official press release, where he demanded Conde Nast to stop avoiding action by setting vague timelines for changes or making excuses for not giving BIPOC workers raises like “the money just isn’t there.”

Associate editor Christina Chaey also opened up about her experiences with being pushed into more and more videos to “diversify” them- all without compensation.  

Friday, June 12th

The biggest scandal of the day was that, as Teclemariam predicted, Brad Leone is possibly not a great guy.  A leaked screenshot of an Instagram DM showed him making callous, almost Trump-y comments regarding El-Waylly’s demand for better pay.  He also allegedly said that if Delany were to be fired (as of that day he had been sent on leave), he would quit.

Saturday, June 13th

The New York Times published an article suggesting that the issues prevalent in BA’s management may go all the way to the top of Conde Nast.  Highlights include Chief Executive Roger Lynch chastising the whistleblowers within the company for raising their concerns in such a public manner and an account of an incident where he gave his black assistant a guidebook on how to speak “proper” English.

The Sporkful released a special episode of their podcast containing interviews with several current and former BA BIPOC workers.  Nikita Richardson divulged that after she was laid off, a story she had already done all the leg work for was picked up and credited to Amanda Shapiro, a white staff writer who is now acting Editor-in-Chief in lieu of Rapoport.  Sohla El-Waylly confirmed that the self-congratulatory editorial Rapoport wrote in the wake of George Floyd’s death was the real beginning of the end, and that the racist photo was just the final straw.  She also described a company-wide Zoom meeting held after the photo began to be spread around where Rapoport issued a half-hearted apology, and began talking about how he would “fix the brand” before El-Waylly demanded he resigned.  Furthermore, she revealed that after her Instagram posts began circulating rapidly, Duckor had offered her a new contract with increased pay, but she is refusing to sign it until all BIPOC have received similar compensation.  She also said that she had a hand in the wishy-washy statement that BA had published on Wednesday, and said that it originally had taken much firmer stances on the issues but their PR office made them tone it down.  Also, she commented that Leone, for the most part, just seemed like she “genuinely think[s] [that he] just found out racism is real.”  Ultimately, she was glad that the story was getting as much coverage as it was, since it made her feel that her voice was finally being heard.

Sunday, June 14th

Baraghani released a statement on Instagram apologizing for his behavior, saying that trying to achieve his personal goals in BA’s toxic, competitive environment made him lose sight of solidarity with his fellow BIPOC.  

While that may seem like the end of the story for now, it’s important to note that, even with the resignation of two executives, nothing has truly been done to fix the systemic problems at hand.