#they both have romances that are not each other and they both are unquestionably the most important person in each others' lives

[genderqueerpond]

the thing about amy/eleven is that they're literally every relation possible all at once --- they're lovers, they're siblings, she's his mother, he's her father, he's her god and her savior, she's his god and his creator; he gives her whimsy and magic and hope and adventure; and after everything she's been through she still loves him and believes that he is good; to him she must be the pure unfiltered concept of forgiveness, she is the literal embodiment of redemption; she is the home he keeps on coming back to and he is the freedom she can never refuse ---

and above all

above all

they are best friends

[moghedien]

honestly I'm just constantly obsessing over the Lae'zel romance scenes, but like I think I've finally decided which version of the duel (you winning or her) I prefer from just like a character standpoint.

because in the moment I went back and forth with both versions because I wasn't sure, but then ended up staying with the version where I win, and I think that's my preference now because it just feels like a subtler but more intense mind fuck to Lae'zel if you take everything that happened up into this point into account.

and do not get my wrong, i think the version where she wins is absolutely a mind fuck to her for many reasons, and I do love it. like her realizing that you aren't weak and she's like horrified at having hurt you and that very concept confusing her? amazing. we love her for it.

but if you win the duel, I feel like that forces her to recontextualize soo much more if you played the romance how I did at least. because basically any time she told me to submit, i did. I never tried to be the dominant one. I never even really teased her for being soft in certain circumstances or got snarky with her or got upset when she'd be like possessive and demeaning.

and I imagine that the githyanki sex rituals dictate that like the weaker one is submissive one and so obviously Lae'zel was the stronger one your relationship and if you did nothing to dissuade her of that fact then you obviously agree. there's no love or preference in it. There's just like desire and physical need and ability that decides who's doing what.

and I feel like this is backed up by the conversation when you can turn the one night stand into a two night stand, where she's like "you look weak and pathetic when you look at me. you look terrified." And also the fact that you can request that she stay and cuddle you afterward in that scene and she's like, baffled and upset by that suggestion. She calls it pointless grappling and a waste of muscles. like sex is combative to her. If you're not fighting for dominance or directly getting off in that moment, then what's the point? and if you embarrass her by suggesting she's never cuddled before, then she tries to get back at you by pointing out that she killed some kind of creature and you haven't. like do not get it twisted. dominance in sex is like expressly tied to actual strength and weakness outside of sex to her.

So if you win the duel? If you've been unquestioningly letting her dominant you in every sexual encounter and then only to turn around and fucking annihilate her in battle the first time you're actually going head to head, 1v1?

Imagine how much that must fuck with her perceptions what your relationship has been up until this point.

Because now its not even just her realizing that she has feelings for you that she doesn't know how to deal with. Oh no. She's realizing that every single time she's told you to submit and you did, its not because you couldn't dominate her. Its not because you were afraid of her or thought you were weaker than her. Its not because you couldn't flip things around on her. its not just that you were so lustful toward her that you submitted just to be able to have sex. It's because you specifically wanted to be the submissive one and you wanted her to do what she wanted with you.

You coulda kicked her ass at any time. And you never even tried. You never even hinted at it.

and god, the cuddling? You didn't want that just to distract or as some trick to exhaust her? You just wanted to cuddle? you wanted to be soft and hold each other just for the sake of it?

and the fact that its only after the duel that she asks you to be gentler with each other now and she says its the most terrifying thing she's ever done just kinda hammers that home for me. Because she realized it isn’t weakness that makes her (and you) want those things. It’s still scary to ask for though…

Like I'm just saying, if you've just unquestionably submitted to her and then you kick her ass, then she's not just grappling with the fact that she's having feelings. She's grappling with the fact that you've been having feelings this entire time and were much more aware of it than her, and that didn’t make you weak, so maybe it doesn’t make her weak either?

[rabbitsrants]

PROOF THAT SHINRAN IS ONE OF THE MOST BRILLIANTLY WRITTEN ROMANCES OF ALL TIME - PART 3

if you haven't already read the posts i've linked down below, please make sure to do so before you proceed, cause they're important for context. thank you so much in advance!

CLICK HERE FOR PART 1

CLICK HERE FOR PART 2

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER

as i've already explained in my disclaimer, my ultimate goal with this masterlist is to prove how well written shinran is - it's to demonstrate that they're unquestionably each other's half and the heart of the dcmk universe.

people often minimize the importance that shinichi and ran have in each other's lives by labeling them as boring, predictable "childhood sweethearts" which couldn't be further from the truth.

so far we've established that

1) shinichi doesn't fall for ran gradually, which is what usually happens with dcmk childhood friends, he knows right away that ran's something special.

2) even though they share the same core values, their personalities are very different, which has a positive effect on them individually: ran gets shinichi to come out of his shell and contributes to his emotional growth, while shinichi grounds ran and helps her articulate her feelings.

now it's time to analyze the part i teased in part two already:

they share a soul

god, where do i even begin? this post is probably going to be ridiculously long but it's by far the most crucial part of my analysis, so please bear with me. cause as far as i'm concerned? this is the main reason why shinichi and ran belong together.

don't get me wrong, love at first sight is a beautiful concept and i deeply appreciate the fact that shinichi and ran complement each other, however, they aren't the only dcmk duo that brings out the best in each other.

what sets them apart from other dcmk dynamics in the most meaningful way is the undeniable fact that their hearts are one and the same. but what is that even supposed to mean? let's break it down, shall we?

their intuition

this segment of the break-down deserves its own post, because there are countless instances of shinichi and ran showcasing incredible instincts, but i'll try to keep it concise for now. both shin and ran arguably have a sixth sense. that's already fascinating on its own, but what i'm really trying to home in on is that their intuition offers them great insight into other people's souls. sometimes i get the impression they carry a compass that points at people and tells them who's trustworthy and who's not.

chapter 22

chapter 892

ran has so many reasons to doubt takeshi and shinichi has so many reasons to doubt amuro, but they instinctively know they can trust them. shinichi even feels safe enough to confront amuro, which is incredible, cause my boy takes a huge risk by directly questioning his allegiance.

idk about y'all but i think that's beautiful. it reminds me of an amazing quote from a famous philosopher:

their souls are pure. which is why they're able to recognize that quality in other people and each other.

their optimism

despite all the darkness that shinichi and ran face every single day, they have a really optimistic outlook on life. ngl, their unwavering positivity makes me extremely emotional.

chapter 252

shinichi gets shot by criminals and he's slowly bleeding to death. the detective boys feel like it's their fault that shin got hurt, they blame themselves and feel hopeless. my boy is in pain, he's fighting for his life, he's probably even scared, it'd be more than understandable if he saw their point and regretted the unfortunate situation they found themselves in. but he doesn't:

he chooses to look on the bright side. even in death.

which, fortunately, gets the detective boys out of their dark way of thinking. shin helps them understand that, yes, they're on a bumpy road, but at least it's leading somewhere.

chapter 780

shinichi gets a culprit to reveal he's from the kansai region by successfully provoking him with a fake accent, but shin doesn't just piss off the culprit, he also pisses off kazuha and heiji, so kazuha begins to wonder whether people from the kansai region are narrow-minded and ran's perspective is something i did NOT see coming:

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO BE THIS ADORABLE AND WISE?!

just like shinichi ran's able to offer kazuha a surprisingly positive outlook on her concerns, which genuinely makes her feel better.

there are many instances of their unshakable optimism and the effect it has on others, it's really beautiful to examine.

i recommend y'all look into it on your own, cause in this part of my masterlist i merely have the space to touch on shared traits like their great intuition and firm optimism, but now it's time to get into the biggest and most important portion of this analysis!

their idealism

i hope y'all read the disclaimer i've linked at the beginning! if you haven't, i urge you to read it before you continue with this post!

shinrans shared idealism is something i've already mentioned in part two of my masterlist, but there's so much more to say about it:

i'd argue that it's the main thing that connects them. not to shade my own children, but they value justice and human life so much, for most people, including me, it sometimes borders on stupidity.

but that's the thing, shinichi kudo and ran mouri aren't most people.

cause most dcmk characters 1) don't initially share their virtues and 2) question their admittedly heroic but also terribly reckless actions, whereas shinichi and ran support and admire each other because of it. because they're the same.

i'm about to give a few examples of shinichi and ran being the most idealistic characters in the manga and for the purpose of full context, i have to showcase the contrast between shinran's morals and the values of other characters. i appreciate and care about every single character who's brought up in the next part of my essay, so don't take this post as an invitation for hostility towards them, that's not my goal, okay? okay. let's proceed.

a) sense of justice and heroism

chapter 239-240

shinichi impulsively investigates the black organization. haibara repeatedly reminds him that he's being reckless and putting himself in danger, she even mocks his strong sense of justice and initially refuses to join his investigation because she's smart and values self preservation. haibara ends up joining him after all, but keeps urging him to drop his investigation and leave with her.

i don't blame her one bit for her approach to the situation... truth be told, her reaction makes a lot more sense to me than shinichi's 😂 but that's because i share her pragmatism.

at this point in the manga shinichi and haibara have zero support. neither the fbi, nor the cia is helping them. it's incredibly dangerous for them to go after the black organization completely alone and it's not just unsafe for them individually either, it's risky for everyone they care about. their exposure would endanger a lot of people, including agasa, ran, kogoro, the detective boys, etc...

and safety concerns aside, why would she care about justice in that situation anyway? how could she, a teen who's trapped in a child's body, possibly hold the black organization accountable without any help?

so yeah, i strongly believe that if you look at the situation logically, haibara's point of view makes a lot more sense than shinichi's and it's fair of her to choose safety over justice, especially when the latter seems so impossible achieve.

too bad that shinichi doesn't give a flying fuck about things like common sense or self preservation. he's completely driven by idealism, it's what defines him as a person, in more ways than one. the only person in the dcmk universe who accurately mirrors his righteousness is ran mouri and it expresses itself through countless parallels that completely contrast haibara's position in chapter 239-240

chapter 44

shinichi pretty much lashes out at the murderer for personal reasons which i dive into here. on top of that, he's passionately opposed to the culprit's idea of using justice as a reason for murder and guess what? ran unsurprisingly feels the same way:

chapter 313

the obvious observation here is that their speeches are remarkably alike, but what i find even more fascinating is the fact that the killers react so similarly. shinran's sense of justice is so powerful, it doesn't just guide their own actions, it even moves morally corrupt people and holds them accountable.

furthermore, the concept of personal safety is completely lost on both shinichi and ran lol.

they constantly risk their lives for other people, including haibara, who, as we already established, initially disregards heroism.

chapter 289

chapter 434

AHHHHH!!! THE PARALLELS ARE KILLING ME

anyway, i'm not trying to undermine the beauty and complexity of haibara's character, she's incredibly well written and i think it's important to emphasize that she's actually attempting to sacrifice herself in both of these chapters.

i actually really appreciate the fact that haibara is this complicated person with a rough background who slowly figures out her values with the help of her friends, imo it gives her layers.

i'm simply pointing out that upon her initial introduction her virtues instinctively differ from shinran's, it takes her some time to grow into the same kind of heroism that shinichi and ran display from the get-go. because they inspire her. but i'll go over that in a minute.

b) they value human life

one of shinichi's main attributes has always been his profound interest in human life. it's a quality that i never questioned until recently because i always figured it was due to his work as a detective.

but the more i think about it, the less it works as an explanation because we know a lot of detectives in the dcmk universe who don't share his interest in protecting people at all costs.

interestingly enough, there is a character who shares his passion but it's not someone who professionally deals with human life - it's just a compassionate, tenderhearted girl who instinctively wants to keep others safe no matter what.

chapter 1026

ran saves a murderer from suicide

which reminds me of shinichi attempting to do the same in another chapter:

chapter 67

he tries so hard... but unlike ran he ultimately fails.

and who's there to comfort him? who's the only person in the whole world who naturally understands his sorrow, who truly knows how valuable human life is and wants to protect it just as much as he does? ran. of course it's ran.

and it will always be ran.

having said that, analyzing shinran's idealism is beyond fascinating to me because i rarely share their virtues or courage. my values are more aligned with the rest of the dcmk universe:

chapter 153

shinichi notices that a culprit is about to kill herself and gets in the way of her plans. heiji's response resonates with me a lot.

CAUSE YEAH, what's the point of keeping someone alive against their will? isn't that infinitely crueler than just letting them die? maybe.

but shinichi and ran don't give a fuck lol. they don't stop the murderers suicide attempts because they're heartless though. it's the opposite, really.

as we already established, both shinichi and ran are optimists at heart, so they believe or least hope that people can always better themselves. i think that's the main reason why the interfere.

besides, shinichi and ran simply care too much about justice - they need culprits to be held accountable and they respect human life too much to allow suicide.

again, do i share their passionate interest in human life? LOL, hell no. i think very few people are capable of being that idealistic. most people, including me, value innocent life but shinichi and ran? they value life regardless of innocence and on top of that, they even value the lives of people who ARE ACTIVELY TRYING TO KILL THEM

chapter 773

a man is threatening to bomb the detective agency, he could kill ran, kogoro and sera within SECONDS and what does my girl ran do? yeah, she saves his life, LOL!

she's already in immense danger and she's seconds away from being saved, but she goes out of her way and puts herself even more at risk, just to save a guy who's threatening her life. WHY?!

because that's just who she is.

understandably, sera is baffled. she doesn't get it.

which makes sense, cause, again, there's only one character in the entire manga who truly understands ran and passionately agrees with her principles and that's shinichi kudo:

their idealism never wavers. it's perplexing for characters like haibra, heiji, sera and even for me as a reader. it's also extremely inspiring though. which brings me to my next point!

c) they inspire others

chapter 239

remember how haibara initially refuses to join shinichi during his investigation? guess what changes her mind...

even though haibara mocks shinichi's idealism and admittedly doesn't understand it in the beginning, it does get her thinking.

she grows up under terrible circumstances which force her to prioritize her safety over human life, but after watching shinichi for a while, she comes to the realization that she no longer has to live that way.

his unshakable idealism fascinates and encourages her, she's reminded that she has choices now and suddenly she finds herself wanting to do better.

but shinichi isn't the only person who helps her evolve in a pretty significant way:

chapter 313

ran's speech about justice and courage deeply moves haibara in the same way it affects the culprit.

her speech doesn't just give haibra the courage to finally introduce herself to ran after months of avoiding her (for reasons i'll get into in part four of my masterlist) i'd argue it also contributes to her finally facing the black organization in chapter 434

while shinichi helps haibara understand that she has choices now and urges her not to run from her fate, ran motivates haibara to be courageous and face her fate. it's actually incredible how much they help haibara, just by being themselves.

chapter 398-400

check out the blog of my wonderful friend aracaeli who recently brought attention to an extremely underrated chapter which emphasizes that ran doesn't just affect characters like haibara, she even inspires her other half shinichi, which is a remarkable accomplishment, considering their morals are generally completely aligned.

ran's idealism knows no bounds. how could it not move people? especially someone like haibara who's just starting to get familiar with the concept of friendship.

in this chapter ran's idealism inspires countless people (shinichi, haibara, the detective boys, the murderer) it says so much about her character and it's such a touching reading experience.

chapter 153

remember how heiji understandably regrets saving the murderer from suicide after seeing her devastating reaction? shinichi knows exactly what to say:

AGAIN, personally, i don't even blame heiji for his initial views. frankly, i agree with them! but it's really hard not to be affected by shinichi's powerful words. i can see how they could completely change the mindset of a passionate detective like heiji. and they do.

chapter 188

to the point that heiji's willing to risk his life because of them...

chapter 774

even sera, who can be a bit morally corrupt at times, is impressed with ran's strong virtues:

but that's to be expected, considering that shinichi and ran even had an impact on vermouth who's an established, ruthless serial killer.

i know, i already extensively talked about the new york case in part two, but it's such an important chapter for shinran that i feel the need to bring it up again, especially if it's going to continue the wonderful discourse i've been having about it with amazing bloggers like sakublogs who i urge you to check out!

chapter 353

this case is so, so special to me because it fundamentally captures the essence of shinran.

vermouth is about to take ran's life but the railing she is leaning on breaks and she's about fall to her impending doom... until ran intuitively grabs her arm and tries to save her:

you'd think that shinichi would urge ran to let go, cause that's what any rational person would do, right? but he doesn't. instead he assists ran. again, WHY?

because... they can't fucking help themselves. because THAT'S JUST WHO THEY ARE.

shinichi and ran are completely led by their intuition, optimism and idealism. nobody values justice, courage and human life the way do, it's in their bones and hearts, it's not something they grow into, it's in their nature.

their spiritual connection is their most defining quality as a couple and it's the reason why i'm convinced that shinran is gosho's best written ship and beyond that, one of the most brilliantly written romances of all time.

it's difficult to do shinran justice in condensed essays like this, but i hope i was able to illustrate their amazing personalities and offer some insight into their captivating bond.

it's why i've been closely following their story since my early childhood. they have the same effect on me they have on other dcmk characters. shinichi and ran inspire me, they touch my soul and restore my faith in people. they're not just a cute couple - they're a symbol of hope.

vermouth puts it best:

visit the shinran library for more

[arliedraws]

Arlie, I am here to rant in your inbox. I have loved Prongsfoot for so long, but there's a new wave of writers in the fandom (who, let's be real, are Wolfstar writers first and foremost) that are insistent it can only be written as deranged, unhinged, and toxic. And they talk about how fun it is to write such an obsessive ship after how wholesome Wolfstar is. It infuriates me. Dunno if you've noticed this too, but yeah. I love your take on Prongsfoot but also they can be sweet and kind and gentle too, you know? Wolfstar being considered the healthy ship and Prongsfoot the toxic one is insane to me.

Please, I love a good rant! My ask box is open for a reason 😂

But honestly, I think these folks are right. Unquestionable loyalty and matched brilliance/skill and equality and “you’re the only person who sees the real me” is so so so toxic. Imagine feeling supported and equal in a relationship!!!!!

Truthfully, I had to make Sirius a Slytherin to inject the toxicity I long for in a fic. Canon James and Sirius are devoted to each other, so adding in some desperate physical closeness and “I need to be melt with you” might just…y’know. Happen. It’s soft and rough and gentle and wild. They have the range.

And look, I don’t mind Wolfstar as a toxic ship as long as everyone is in character, but there’s a lot of weeeeeeird alpha/omega stuff going on in this fandom and when it’s not that, there’s a lot of this purity/anti-sex culture that focuses so much on cutesy romance which is NOT the same as sweet and gentle. Can you have both? Yeah, but GOD. I come online to be horny and weird.

Just so we're clear: Prongsfoot is a wholesome, safe-to-eat ship. I don't know what these folks are on about.

[olderthannetfic]

"Friendships are a lot more like romance than people admit" anon here. So I gave zero detail whatsoever, and it's been kind of interesting to see what people came up with in response. That said, I actually meant it a lot more in terms of specifics and mechanics?

Friendships have an "infatuation" phase where getting to know the person and spending time with them is effortless and fun and you feel like you'll never get bored of each other. Friendships often involve an expectation of emotional connection and telling each other things, making the other a part of your life to some extent. It's possible to have feelings of jealousy for a friend, especially if you suddenly become a lot less important to them in favor of a new person in their life (which in an exclusive romantic relationship might be considered a kind of "emotional cheating"). It's possible for a friendship to fail or peter out for the exact same reasons where, if it were a romantic couple getting couples therapy, their therapist would tell them "You need to reconnect by doing things together again, you need to make an effort and work at restoring your connection". Which sometimes romantic couples do, and then they stay together, but in friendships it seems to be kinda seen as normal and not imbued with the same sense of almost-tragedy? Even though it's a very comparable time and energy commitment essentially going down the drain. Finally, it's quite possible to be heartbroken that a friendship ended, and a toxic friendship can be every bit as damaging as a toxic romance. To put it in a phrase, you could take any number of posts asking for relationship advice where, if you removed monikers like "friend" or "SO/gf/bf", it would be very difficult to tell if the relationship is romantic or not.

"Romantic relationships are like friendships" is equally controversial in the sense that a lot of people don't really seem to know what to do when the infatuation wears off, partly because media and culture seem deeply uninterested in exploring this stage of romantic relationships? Or they interpret the inevitable fade of hormone-fueled excitement as falling out of love, break off the relationship, and rinse and repeat this a few times before they wisen up and learn to form long-lasting friendships with the people they fall in love with.

To wit, close friendships and romance both involve love and attachment and (some amount of) commitment. And yet we barely ever seem to talk about friendships using the language of love, even though love is unquestionably what's going on there. (Again, I'm talking about close, long-lasting friendships.)

..Or maybe my experiences are not universal and I'm just a weirdo who gets overly attached. Idk.

--

I refer to "friend breakups" and "friend dumping" all the time.

I think if you put it in those terms, most people agree: they've had some devastating end to a friendship that hurt them more than half their romantic breakups. It's just not how movies tend to describe it... at least not in words. Buddy movies are all about the idea that a friend breakup is the literal worst thing in the universe though.

I guess I roll my eyes a tad because I've witnessed decades of finger-wagging books about how we don't care enough about friendships and those are what really predict adult mental health in the long term, blah blah blah. Things like friend crushes (that honeymoon period) and devastating friend breakups are well known to psychologists and self help book writers.

Anyway, you aren't weird, and people who want to keep their long-term friends need to make time for some friend dates if they want to keep the magic going.

[zynart]

humanity is worth loving, humans are worth saving

(yes we are. we absolutely are. and cynicism and nihilism is lame)

i was dwelling a lot on that idea a lot this afternoon about my views of humanity and my conviction in us, inspired by the central theme of the show and movies, which is that maybe loneliness and yearning for connection is the most human possible feeling, and that most human beings are to some level closed off from human connection that there's a hedgehog's dilemma among humanity — that fear of connection, fear of being seen as a mirror of what you most fear about yourself/fear of hurt from both vulnerability placed in others and the inevitability of change/the inherent inability to ever be truly known when human minds are fundamentally separated from each other — is inherent to humans

so to contextualize the rest of this post i’ll describe things i’d been thinking about today. evangelion rebuild 2.0 and the ending of that movie, the choice that the characters make there. the ending of life is strange and the choice that you make there (i said fuck arcadia bay). and then the mirror examples, that one episode of angel where angel becomes human, or the ending of final fantasy x. every piece of fiction where people face a choice between saving someone they love and saving the world and they say fuck the world. even when it makes no sense and even if it means they and you both will die soon enough in a destroyed world anyway, even when it’s morally indefensible and unquestionably selfish. every time that question comes up, it’s so obvious what the right answer *should* be, but how human is it to just choose wrong anyway? that’s what i did when i had to choose and i said fuck arcadia bay. at that moment i felt such a sense of connection with what it meant to be human

in the original neon genesis evangelion it’s an argument between a worldview that it’s the inherent flaw of human nature, which would mean that the ideal vision of heaven is all-as-one where all humans exist together in kind of a hivemind free-flowing soup of minds (or with how little we know ourselves, that maybe even worldview is just being so afraid of connection that you’re afraid to reach out and try unless it’s with the safety of it being complete and universal and inescapable)… or whether what is special about humans and the most human thing possible is humans choosing, with full knowledge of the fear and hurt and inability to ever be known and the inevitability of change with passage of time and death, to put fear aside and connect with others

that latter view has long been the frame of thought where i feel most tender and optimistic toward humanity and individual human beings as creatures of grace. what takes away times where i feel jaded or cynical or fatalistic or disgusted or hopeless, which it is easy to be. often when people talk about being proud of humanity is pride at collective humanity and amazed at what the human race could achieve working together, but that’s barely part of the equation for me. it’s just that one single core aspect of the human soul, that every day humans choose to put aside all that fear about things that are right to fear and just choose human connection anyway. better to have loved and lost than never loved at all isn’t a platitude or an expression, it’s a summation of the most fundamental element to being human — its just that it’s not only about romance, it’s about all love — for friends, family, children, pets, characters in fiction, music made by others, art created by others, memories with others

(this made me google that phrase, to learn more about this phrase that puts the deepest truth about being human into 13 words, and turns out it’s by tennyson writing about the sudden death from a cerebral haemorrhage of his friend— or maybe more, we don’t know, but it’s besides the point that it was someone that he loved dearly — arthur henry hallam, who died aged 22 when tennyson was 23. and it’s a line from a 2,916-line, 133-canto poem titled “in memoriam a.h.h.” that he spent 16 years writing. 16 years where the pain didn’t stop. they met each other as teenagers, knew each other for about 3 years, and that was it. when he finished that poem after 16 years, he’d lived almost half of his life with that pain. he’d lived with that loss for almost five times longer than the time he’d had with him. and he still felt it was all worth it. it was better to have had the honour and privilege to feel that love, even at the price of decades of pain, than it would’ve been if he’d never gotten to feel that love at all)

caring about anyone is opening yourself up to a world of hurt in so many ways outside your control and humans are the only beings we know of that actually has that knowledge but we choose to care anyway. we have children, we attach to family, we form friendships, we fall in love, we even get emotionally attached to pets with short lifespans and emotionally invested in fictional characters

animals don’t have that knowledge. it’s easy for me to imagine many rational beings or sentience that could have that knowledge and optimize toward the pain-minimizing path of closing off completely and dying off in a generation. if pain is the price we pay for the ability to live and feel things and love things, is the price of entry worth it at all? i think most versions of a fully realized consciousness that wasn’t human would think that it wasn’t worth it at all. nonexistence over pain feels rational. but we don’t make that choice. human beings choose over and over and over to love things. and when i think about it, it makes me feel proud and giddy even for inherent human nature, it makes me feel in love with the concept of people with the same butterflies, and it makes me a firm believer that we should exist and humanity deserves to exist

one could say that it’s very stupid to love. it's very stupid to make an active commitment to inevitable future pain. it’s suboptimal for an entity that optimizes to avoid debilitating, all-consuming pain in a world where the passage of time can never stop and loss is inevitable, where there is literally no possible ending in which there isn’t an ending. and it’s kind of a miracle that we choose to do so, billions of people, every day

if you liked this, feel free to check out my other 'essays' on internet/pop culture stuff on my homepage. here's a selection:

· “book lovers” don’t love anything about books and it’s weird (or, defending classic novels)

· there are things we owe to each other

· i trained a neural net on 10,000 irony-poisoned tweets and it just gave me cringe?

· what makes someone good, bad, cancelled, or redeemed? i don't know either!

· please tell me if you have a definitive answer on what makes someone a bad person

· ok, fine, my social justice politics feel a bit like religion sometimes and that’s ok

· after the deluge (short story) (dispatch from an island state post climate apocalypse)

[romacharm]

title: prove to yourself that i exist

pairing: ryoji mochizuki / femc

words: 2.7k words

tags: major character death, tragic romance, spoilers, discussions of death, angst and tragedy

summary:

it doesn't matter why or how or when, but ryoji knows this: minako will kill him.

in spite of this, because of this, he loves her.

[AO3]

Of this, Ryoji is unquestionably certain: he is going to die. 

Of this, he is even more certain: Minako will kill him. She will not want to. Of course not. But she’ll have to. 

Ryoji knows it like he knows the sea’s shoreline blue, the distant whir of a monorail on empty tracks, and the love keeping his heart beating for her. These things are unequivocal truths that he is distantly aware of, and close enough to touch. 

It is a chilly November evening. They’re walking home together. Ryoji gets a sinking feeling that time is short, that time is not kind, that time is the maker by which fools become unraveled and remade. That all things which end must do so largely and spectacularly. 

At the train station, they hold hands. 

“Are you cold?” Ryoji asks Minako, who’s shivering. 

“No,” she manages between the chattering of her teeth. Ryoji affectionately rolls his eyes and peels his scarf off, gently wrapping it around her. 

Evidence that Minako will kill him: the traitorous flip his heart does, the impossible sunlight in his chest, the way her breath released as mist feels warm. The way her blush when he moves her hair out of the way makes him feel faint, off balance. Either they are soulmates, or one is fated to die at the other’s hand. Perhaps both—who’s to say? 

“Thanks,” she whispers. He almost didn’t catch it. 

In November, the sun starts to set around four o’clock. This means Ryoji is inconsolable. 

It feels as though there is ice curling in his fingertips every time he presses his palm to Minako’s cheek. 

They’re walking home from school, again. They always are. There’s little to being a couple in high school, just walking home together and holding hands and stolen glances across the classroom. Ryoji’s declarations of love and meaning, as if he’s discovered something big about being human. As if he knows something others don’t about the futility of it, the dying over and over and over again, the little changes that constitute each fragile death. It doesn’t matter that they’ve only met recently. It doesn’t matter they haven’t yet explicitly called it “dating.” Ryoji believes he has known her forever, and Minako doesn’t pull away when he takes her hand in his.

On the way home, they stop at a park in Iwatodai, just a few blocks from Minako’s dorm building. The park is abandoned and derelict in these early winter months: rust sprouts between the metal of the various structures, frost blankets the grit underfoot, and the slides stand empty and unused. It’s the perfect place for Ryoji’s melancholy. For as long as he can remember—which is not exactly a substantial amount of time, just a month or so—he has been fraught with this grief, a preoccupation with death, a strange sense that time slips away and can never be regained. He’s running out of time; he must be. 

Minako buys them canned coffee from the vending machine, and the two of them sit side by side on a bench with their treats. The sky is overcast and dark, making after school feel like twilight. She’s got a long night ahead of her, she tells him, cracking a smile tinged with exhaustion. Someone is dying, Ryoji thinks, or maybe someone is dead. He knows that look in her eyes and he knows it implies loss. And still, he does not have it in himself to let her go. 

“Are you happy?” Ryoji asks. 

“I think so,” Minako answers. It’s not a lie, per se, but Ryoji notices the way her mouth screws up like she’s confused, like no one’s asked her such a question before. Like her answer is a simple spin of fortune’s wheel. The truth is this: she doesn’t know, and neither does anyone else. 

“I was thinking,” Ryoji says, cradling his can in his hands, “that it’s hard to know what it means to be happy. Really happy.” 

“I think,” Minako says, “that it has more to do with the people around you.” 

“Is that so?” 

She looks out over the park, a lord and her ruined kingdom. “You find meaning and happiness through caring for others, and being cared about in return.” 

Ryoji frowns. “Don’t people say your happiness should come from within yourself?” 

“Humans are social creatures,” Minako says. “I think you can have some happiness being by yourself, but that you find meaning through being with other people.” 

“Really,” Ryoji murmurs. 

“Am I wrong?” 

“No.” 

“You’re kinda different when you’re not flirting with girls,” Minako says. It’s not a judgment—it’s a matter-of-fact statement. 

“Is that a bad thing?” 

Minako smiles at him, pushing back the shadows that creep forward. “Not at all,” she says. “You’re much more fun this way.” 

“I feel like I can be myself around you,” Ryoji admits. Then, “I feel like I’ve always been a part of you.” 

To someone else, this might seem like typical teen sappiness, but Ryoji knows it like he knows the dark sky holds secrets others don’t know—he knows he’s but a part of her. He’s curled away behind her ribs somewhere, nestled between her lungs and her heart. 

Minako doesn’t say much to that. Just cocks her head slightly and smiles. 

When it comes to answers, Ryoji has none. 

The sun is kinder in Kyoto; not so harsh. It still sets too early for the day to feel like a day rather than a collection of hours, but the sun reflects differently off the river than it does at home—softer, forgiving. Every day he learns something new. 

The last night they’re at the hotel, Ryoji sneaks out of his room and into the courtyard. He’s not going far; he just needs some air. That’s what he’ll say if any of the teachers wander out and find him, but it’s late enough that the sky takes on a fading greenish tinge. The clock on the wall above the front desk read two o’clock in the morning. 

Minako’s already there. 

Lamps low to the ground illuminate the pathways of the courtyard. Minako’s kneeling by a small garden lined with rocks, watching the shishi-odoshi fountain in the center clacking against the rocks in the pool beneath it. A long bamboo stick lays next to her. The scene is positively picturesque: the waxing crescent moon but a sliver of light in the dark sky, the girl he loves in a thin cotton shirt and flannel pajama bottoms, flowers and carefully cut stone surrounding them. 

When he takes a step forward, Minako’s eyes dart up to him, her hand coming to rest on the stick. What it’s for, Ryoji can’t say. 

“You’re awake,” Minako says. “What time is it?” 

“Two or so,” Ryoji says. He goes to sit beside her. Minako’s eyes flit back up to the sky as if she’s gauging the positioning of the moon in relation to the stars. 

Then she seems to remember that she’s supposed to be mad, and pointedly does not look at Ryoji. 

“Hey,’ he says. “I’m sorry.” 

Minako doesn’t respond. 

“If it makes you feel better, I only wanted to see you.” 

“In the bath,” Minako says. 

Ryoji takes a deep breath before confirming, “In the bath.” 

“That’s stupid,” Minako says. “You’re stupid.” 

“I know,” he says. “Do you hate me?” 

She has to take a moment to think about it—a moment in which Ryoji considers all the ways he’s screwed up and how he can best describe this emotion welling up in him, a mix of guilt and shame and respect and love and love and love, and time is always running out for them. He wonders if tonight is that night, when she kills him. He’s reminded that it will happen. 

“No,” she says finally. Ryoji breathes a sigh of relief. He’d much rather be killed in love than in hate. 

“I’m sorry,” he says again. 

“I’ll forgive you this time,” she concedes. And she looks at him, finally, with those striking red eyes that always seem to see too much. “Just don’t do it again.” 

“I promise.” 

“Good.” 

A moment passes between the two of them, punctuated by the clacking of the shishi-odoshi fountain. 

“You couldn’t sleep?” Ryoji finally asks. 

“No.” Minako looks back up to the stars, her eyes flitting between pinpricks of light. For a moment, Ryoji believes the galaxies reflected in her eyes are really there, swimming in a sea of red sky. How beautiful would that be, red sky, death on the horizon, nowhere left to go? How hopeless? 

He feels those thoughts drifting away from him, and he reminds himself that his poet’s soul must be contained, at times. 

“Me neither,” Ryoji says. When he looks up at the stars he wonders if the two of them are seeing the same things. If the constellations mapped in his head are the same in hers. He wishes they could spend all their time like this, spending time with their friends and learning new things during the day, alone together at night. 

Minako glances at him curiously, then back to the stars. 

“I feel like,” and when he says this, Ryoji has to swallow back the strange feeling tightening his throat, “all this is a wonderful dream, and I have to wake up soon.” 

“You don’t, though,” Minako says. There is something grieving in her voice. “You don’t have to wake up. If your life is a dream, don’t wake up.” 

She knows something, the way Ryoji knows something. He’s sure of it. They’ve always been interconnected in some way—having the same dream, maybe, fortunate enough to be sharing in it. Looking at the same moon. 

They’ve both lost things, haven’t they? 

Career Experience leaves Ryoji feeling like a hot, sweaty mess. His group was assigned as dishwashers and apprentice waiters at the beef bowl shop, so when he wasn’t frantically running around during peak hours to bring people their orders, he was washing dishes. Each day he left with his fingers pruning and his shoulders aching. 

Junpei is in his group, and only shows up one day. He stares at the dishes as Ryoji washes them, and is otherwise slow to respond to customers. The boss keeps him in the back paired up with someone else in their group the whole time. Junpei doesn’t perk up once, even when Ryoji mentions a swimsuit calendar he saw at the bookstore the other day. 

It all becomes worth it, though, when he calls Minako over to Chagall and she says I’ll be there in a few. 

Junpei’s lost someone precious. Of course he has; Ryoji should’ve recognized that look. Maybe he’s not as perceptive as he thought; there’s too much he doesn’t know. 

He gets the feeling he’s had to reassure someone of this before. That people die. That life, infinite in its delights, ends suddenly and abruptly, that there is nothing to be done about it. 

Minako takes his hand from across the table. She looks up at him, and doesn’t smile. He gets the feeling it was her he said it to, all those years ago, that it was him reminding her that people die and there is no following them. 

What a joke that is, isn’t it? When he dies at her hand, will she mourn him? Will she fall in love with someone else, see traces of Ryoji in him? 

Ryoji doesn’t get to survive this story. He hates that sometimes he forgets. 

On that day, November twenty-ninth, Ryoji tells Minako he loves her. 

In more words than that, of course. Brevity is not a strength Ryoji is particularly well-versed in. He says you’re the only one there is for me. He says please, stay with me. He says you’re the most precious thing in the world to me… 

Even more than my own life. 

That’s the point, isn’t it? He loves her enough to let her kill him. He knows it will have to happen. He can only hope that there’s enough love there to make it worthwhile. 

Tomorrow is a scary phenomenon. Tomorrow means the ending of today, and a reinventing. Tomorrow means time is passing, means another day closer to their inevitable parting. 

It hurts, seeing beautiful things. It hurts to look at the glittering ocean, and it hurts more to look at her, that open expression, that easy smile. She loves him, too. Like two ships on borrowed time. The school roof, the ocean, these memories, all transient. 

Ryoji’s afraid if he touches her, he’ll shatter. 

“Maybe the next rule we can break is the one where your dorm doesn’t allow visitors at night,” he says. It’s an attempt at humor, and it works. Minako laughs and leans against the tall fence surrounding the rooftop. He doesn’t miss the red tinging her cheeks, and he lets them both pretend it’s from the November chill. 

“I’m sure we can make that happen,” Minako quips, her voice light, lighter than he’s ever heard it. In this moment, Ryoji can pretend he’s not doomed, that they’re two normal teenagers in love and alone together after years of yearning. It doesn’t matter that he’s only known her a month; he’s known her much longer, really. Like how he knows without asking that she loves baking, tarot, and music with funky basslines, even though she’s never told him outright. 

He wants to kiss her, even though he knows he’ll shatter. 

Ryoji leans his hands against the bars of the fence on either side of her—a classic kabedon. Minako angles her face up to him, still loving, still open. He worries if he looks away for even a moment, the world will end. 

She kisses him. He’s barely prepared for it, the feeling that his breath’s been snatched from his lungs. It’s a quick, light thing. Chaste. Blood warms his cheeks as she pulls away from him with a cheeky smile. 

Of all of Ryoji’s limited memories, this is his favorite. 

Of course, happiness cannot last. Good things always end. 

Ryoji remembers everything. The night sky is green and coffins line the streets. 

He meets Aigis at the moonlight bridge. 

Please touch me. Make sure that I exist. 

He’s always been a part of her. Even knowing this, he doesn’t stop loving her. 

December passes in the blink of an eye. She does not kill him, this time. Ryoji gives her his ring, the one he bought in Kyoto. Something to remember him by; it’s a proposal, too, but he doesn’t know it yet. 

“I love you,” he says, when she lets him live. And kisses her again, one last time. 

The problem with a being like Ryoji��sorry, like Nyx—is that it can never really die. It has to be sealed away, forgotten, or fought until the end of time. Death of the world is inevitable; it’s only a matter of time. 

Nevertheless, Minako tries. She cries when she looks at him, the Ryoji she loved transposed over the Fall. She knows all the people wandering around with Apathy Syndrome, buying into the false beliefs of a cult that wishes nothing but an apocalyptic end, are followers of the boy she loved. She takes the power of the people she cares about and together they strike down the Fall. 

Except, not really. 

Except she’s not ready to let go—or it’s that she can’t, because so long as Ryoji—sorry, Nyx—is sealed away, it can always come back. Someone needs to be there. A gatekeeper. Someone to push back the End with all the love in her heart, someone to kill it again and again and again, because so long as Nyx is occupied it cannot hurt anyone. Too focused on the girl it loves. 

And because she loves Ryoji, because she loves her friends, she is okay with this. Killing him, again, and again, and again. 

It makes sense, after everything. Why they were drawn together. Why he looked so familiar. Why she dreamed of Pharos every few nights, why he felt like an old friend. Why death and fortune seem so impossibly intertwined. 

In the back of her head, a voice she thinks she knows says, You don’t have to do this. We don’t have to trade places. 

But they do, or the world will end, or she will spend the rest of her life chasing after shadows that disappear when the sun goes down. 

No more Dark Hour. No more apocalypse. No more apathy. 

I love you, Nyx says, as she kills it again, and again, and again. 

[dragonologist-phd]

Introducing: Allys Mahariel

In Summary:

Grey Warden, Hero of Fereldan, Arlessa of Amaranthine (Secondary Worldstate)

Dalish Elf

Rogue (Ranger)

Main Weapon: Bow & Arrow

Perceptive; Curious; Impulsive; Humorous

Relevant Fic: Darkest Before the Dawn (Series)

more rambling:

Origin:

Hunter and scout for the Sabrae clan

She was naturally friendly and got on well with most of her peers, but was unquestionably best friends with Tamlen; the two were notorious for attracting trouble

Despite her friendly attitude, she would often get hit by a lonely mood and disappear into the woods on her own to explore and hunt alone

As a dedicated hunter who both loved and excelled at archery, she chose to take on Andruil's vallaslin when she came of age

She encouraged Tameln's explorations of the ruins and very nearly touched the eluvian before him; afterwards, she was so plagued by guilt that she refused to leave the forest and had to be forcibly recruited by Duncan

Major Choices:

Saved Connor from possession with the help of the Circle mages

Sided with the mages at the Circle

Helped form a truce between the Dalish and werewolves

Did not defiled the Ashes of Andraste, slew the dragon

Destroyed the Anvil and crowned Bhelen king of Orzammar at Zevran's recommendation

Dueled and killed Loghain at the Landsmeet. Placed Anora on the throne alone

Convinced Alistair to perform the Dark Ritual with Morrigan

Party Dynamics:

Best friends with Morrigan. The two actually didn't like each other much at first, but grew closer over time as Morrigan warmed to Allys's compassion, and Allys began to appreciate Morrigan's survivalist attitude. They changed each other for better and for worse, and by the end of everything were very close

Close with Alistair. They fought plenty of times over the course of their jourey, but were boded by their role as Wardens and ultimately they always had each others' backs

Did't get on well with Wynne or Leliana. She was always friendly with them, couldn't quite get over their strong adherence to Andrastianism and the Chantry

Best friends with Velanna in Awakening. It felt good to have another Dalish around again, and in a lot of ways Velanna reminded her of Morrigan, whom Allys missed dearly

Romance:

She was charmed by Zevran from the start, though she knew he was dangerous and didn't completely know what to make of his flirting. When he promised her a simple distraction, however, she decided to throw caution to the wind and take him up on the offer

The distraction grew complicated as they both began to develop feelings. They both worried they were being foolish, and both were grappling with guilt over past loves. Both were so caught up in their own emotions and insecurities that they nearly broke down over it

In the end, they were able to come together and be honest about their feelings. Once they confessed the depth of their bond, they remained devoted to each other

Epilogue:

She sets up the Warden stronghold in Amaranthine. While she's proud of her work, she always regrets that she can never truly go back to the Dalish

Zevran eases her homesickness and they make a family together, taking in children in need and raising them as their own

Allys and Zevran leave together to investigate the possibility of a cure to the Blight. Allys's greatest hope is that she can find the cure and live out the remaining years of her life in peace

Misc:

She loves animals, and in addition to her mabari (named Da'len) she acquires a pet Blight Wolf

Storytelling was another hobby of hers when she was young, and she still remembers many stories and songs of the Dalish. She has a good singing voice, and the stories are one of the few things she bonds with Leliana over

Merrill had a crush on her when they were young, a fact to which Allys was quite oblivious

She never does get the hang of politics and lets Varel handle most of that in Amaranthine

She does make an appearance in my massive combined worldstate, but since she's Doomed by the Narrative in that one, she gets her own worldstate with a happy ending here

[mamaladeskies]

I'm Watching The Double

I asked for drama recommendations on MDL and someone suggested The Double. I'm late to the party, but I'm here now.

The story gives me Story of Kunning Palace (SOKP) vibes. I can't say I looooved SOKP but I devoured that show in two weeks which is incredible considering my terrible attention span. Compare this to Till The End of The Moon (TTEOTM) which took me 2 months to finish and I love that show.

SOKP missed the mark with the romance, but I was there for the redemption plot, court drama and Bai Lu.

The Double's romance dynamics echoes that of SOKP. Both female leads are strong, loyal, cunning, on their own paths to revenge/redemption, and the male leads, who are cold, ruthless, powerful and intelligent, find this attractive and work in the background to clear any obstacles that may be on the female lead's path.

Aside from that, they have nearly a similar layout. Duke Su is trusted by the Emperor and seems to have unquestionable power despite not showing allegiance to any of the court's cliques. He's also incharge of a very important case that seems to have the Emperor in a twist. Jiang Li has beef with her family members and most of everyone else, but somehow manages to attract male attention. Lastly, there's the school setup, I'm on episode 13 but it seems the school part is done for now because our female lead has met the ultimate villain, but the school setup reminded me so much of SOKP.

As I was writing the latter paragraph I came to the realisation that my description could also fit Love Like The Galaxy, which I swear I actually like, I just need to get around to finishing it... One day, I swear, for Wu Lei and Zhao Lusi.

I think the cold, powerful, calculating male lead in East Asian media is to the West what the rich, bad boy with daddy issues is.

While I've done my time with the bad boy, I have not had my fill with the cold male lead yet. Something about a male who knows how to measure his words and dedicate his all to this one person is so satisfying.

Anyway, as of now in episode 13, I am hooked! I don't know if my attention span will hold till episode 40. Pray for me.

What captured me first were the beautiful shots, the colour grading and the acting. They could not have chosen a more perfect Shen Yu Rong and Jiang Li. The actor for Shen Yu Rong, our female lead's ex husband, knows how to use his eyes to express his guilt and pain, and how Jiang Li holds herself together when she just might crack is stunning. Incredible. That scene when Jiang Li is playing the Guqin gave me goosebumps. I had to play it twice.

Now, the plot is not perfect, for somethings you have to halt your brain; How does the real Jiang Li have the energy to walk after that many lashes? How do you believe that someone could look exactly like the other? Jiang Li's neck is slashed and she heals but the third sister's slash doesn't?

But the drama? The drama is where it's at. The court drama is entertaining. Every time A-Li puts herself in a situation it's so satisfying to watch her get out of it. I like how the drama is not repetitive and somehow each 'side quest' contributes to the bigger arc that I can sense coming. The side characters are well handled, they have their own motivations and their arcs are wrapped up nicely, no loose ends. And the mystery of why Yu Rong betrayed his wife has me wanting to skip to the end, because what was the reason?

As for the romance, I am not sold yet. Duke Su as a character is entertaining and we seem to share the same passion for drama, but it's still incomplete. Sure he's helpful towards Jiang Li, but I am going with her emotions now and she doesn't seem into him yet. I'll wait to see more.

For a second there I had been worried TTEOTM was the last entertaining historical drama I would enjoy. It had been nearly a year! I hope by the time I finish this something else pops up, either in Kdrama or Cdrama.

[thefreeblog]

Hi! I’m not sure if you’ve been asked this before but, what are your top 5 BL’s that you watched this year?

Hiya anon! No I don't think I have made a post about it yet.

I started watching BLs mostly in 2022 so all of them I have watched are this year. If I pick my top 5 it will turn into my top 5 ever. Instead I'll stick to BLs released this year, so it's kind of closer to your question.

My criteria is 1. Good acting 2. Rewatch value 3. Story/script

So here it is

1. Old fashioned cupcake: This takes the top spot unquestionably. I like simple stories made impactful by good acting and some solid direction. Special mention to how day to day routines are used to further the narrative. The dessert dates, Togawas undeniable attraction towards Nozue San, Nozue San being aware but denying himself the worth he is. It's all so well done in just short 6 episodes. It also ticks all my favourite tropes age gap, height difference, mature characters, younger one being the pursuer, running for your love and food as love language. I couldn't think of even one thing which I disliked in this show. Overall just outstanding little series.

2. Triage: This show was such a sweet surprise. Other than gay romances what I like is good suspense and this show delivered on this. It was intriguing and kept me guessing. The script was tight without any loopholes. All the actors were amazing, the whole medical setup was believable. Its handling felt similar to MOD( I think author is same for both novels) but it was way way better than MOD on the suspense side and also quite believable. All the stories going in parallel and how they interwined was well done. Despite its genre believe me it's absolutely re-watchable.

3. Semantic Error: Super production values. It's such a treat to watch. It's also so close to the Yaoi way of telling stories. Grumpy computer science nerd pursued by a super loud, carefree campus artist hottie. Classic enemies to lovers. How they fall for each other is worth the watch. I also loved how they included neuro divergent aspects of Sang woo's life and due to which how he approaches love or intimacy. This kind of depiction is quite rare in mainstream media let alone in BLs. I can't explain to you in so many technical terms but when I say, each scene is very carefully choreographed, its not an exaggeration at all. It really is good with its camera angles. On top of that, good acting and direction have a made simple run of the mill BL story outstanding and so so likeable.

4. Kinn Porsche: This should be no surprise if you follow me. But this is way down the list because though it is the series which pushed me in the BL world, the story had many many loopholes. Also I was not a fan of their comedic bits. In some cases the mafia set up didn't look believable but KP hands down takes all the points in the acting department. Also the VP storyline is something I have rewatched so many times, I have lost the count now. This would have been outstanding if they would have really gone for the jugular and kept it mafia throughout without trying to achieve the mid between romance and mafia. I immensely enjoyed watching it while it was airing. I was super into the story all throughout till the last episode, where it kind of fell flat for me on the story department. But nonetheless it's still one of few favourites to rewatch for so many reasons.

5. Secret crush on you (SCOY) : I love this show solely based on what it stands for. Traditionally BLs and Yaois have super masculine characters and their stories whereas the more femme or less aggressive characters are on the side or used for comedic bits. Which is not realistic is it? This BL showed us that these side characters deserve to be the main characters in their own stories revolving around their worlds. And it delivered, big time. At times it does get too sugary or candy flossy(even the uniform was so outrageous 😂) but Toh/Jao/Daisy and their insecurities/issues are so so relatable. Their little friendship group is best. And their boyfriends too. Nobody can change my mind about Sky and InTouch are the best boyfriends from all of the Thai BLs ever. Though it's too cringy at times but never because of the cast or their acting. They all did such a splendid job on this super out proud and loud show. It definitely deserves at least one watch by everyone. Literally, keep your minds open and watch it, you wouldn't be disappointed.

Special mention to Between us, because when that ends it's gonna be one of my favourites too.

So that's my list anon. Let me know what you liked this year.

[collymore]

William and Kate both look for reassurance, as quite obviously they do have imposter syndrome!

By Stanley Collymore         Why does that British emigre   and his awful American   wife always have to   simply put on a show for the cameras?   Oh hang on a minute I've got it wrong,     those two that we're really seeing are   Kate and William! Ah, how effectively   sweet! And, they're so clearly in love!   Yet, if Harry and Meghan hold hands   in public or express their undeniably   genuine and keenly loving emotions   towards each other they're naturally   according to that abundance of vile   racist Karens and their distinctively   like-minded Gammons who usually   actually criticize them, irrespective   of what they do, for quite allegedly   behaving like soppy and immature   teenagers who don't know how to   requisitely, conduct themselves in   public; behaviour most unseemly!       However, when those two evident   wax works dummies, Kate and   William, approach anything   remotely resembling human behaviour   between them in public, this ludicrous   assemblage of actually quite the very   same keen assholes, undeniably and   rather effusively swoon over them as   if they had obviously and beneficially   also providentially created romance!         Funny then, isn't it, that in such   clear and actually undeniably,   unquestionably discernibly,   distinct circumstances rather fittingly   everyone of these clearly specifically   brainwashed morons obviously take   to indulgently, effusively and equally   buoyantly cheering on not only Kate   but significantly also William as well,   while basically, evincing nothing but   rancorous criticisms and excoriating remarks toward Harry and Meghan.   What vile hypocrites these basically   specifically noxiously, racist vermin   are; but who frankly, quite cowardly   dislike their odiously, evil hypocrisy   being actually pointed out publicly!         (C) Stanley V. Collymore   22 November 2023.         Author's Remarks:   Nature inevitably, as well as naturally commonsensically, always finds a permanent way to rid the decent world generally and itself specifically of the harrowing detritus that to all sane and sensible minds globally irrefutably constitutes a gross disservice as well as an intolerably pernicious stumbling block to the rest of humanity.         And in both of these latter catastrophic circumstances, such typically, toxically verminous and rather evidently lowlife scum quite obviously, don't come any more plentifully than what lamentably, for the rest of human kind, enervatingly pervades Britain, and similarly is clearly catastrophically most injurious to quite literally every element of decent and discernibly intelligent life that resides there!

[maureen-corpse]

The only time a fictional character ever did “Whoa what if I had known this person who wasn’t born at the precise moment I was at some other time in the past and our ages were an issue?” successfully was Andy Dwyer when he did math and realized that if he and April had been friends when he was in third grade and she was a baby, he didn’t know anything about infant care and could have killed her. This was successful because it was funny and it was obviously a ridiculous leap to make, when April and Andy are clearly adults now who don’t need to know anything about infant care to be able to rely on each other.

So that romance novel in that earlier post has a paragraph musing about a mere four-year age gap.

(Side note: can you imagine being twenty-seven years old—being a grown adult with bills to pay and grocery shopping to do—and contemplating hooking up with someone who is thirty-one and thinking, “Whoa, older woman”? Come on. That’s just a woman to you. You’re in the same demographic. Go enjoy the same generational trends together, you two.)

ANYWAY. Age gap discourse has gotten us to the point that either romance novelists are reassuring us that entire unquestionable adults with different birthdays should be allowed to hook up, or the romance novelists are writing characters who are worried about Problematic Age Gaps into their fiction, which is truly a bizarre choice

Now, to be fair, in many historical romances, some age gaps are noted; no one wants to have to marry Lord Oldmann, Earl of Creakyjoints. Often enough it’s just because he’s old (though in the historicals no one ever complains of the Power Dynamic) but he might also be a drunk or a lecher or have enough dead wives that he seems cursed or maybe he’s just deeply unpleasant to be around. And so very often, the heroine is saved from such a fate and is able to marry the hero, who may well be a mere ten years older than she is (she has just finished her first season and he has been doing English Gentleman Things for a while, you see)

I don’t know if the Older Woman in the paragraph in that post is the love interest or not. If not, well, maybe that’s for the best. If so, that maybe makes it weirder? I’ve never read an Age Gap romance where the age gap was a big part of it, so I don’t known if in those stories the leads spend a lot of time thinking about how different in age they are, but that example is truly mind-boggling

Just think. Four years. When the POV character was a baby, the Older Woman would have barely been in preschool. If they had been friends they both would have been helpless but the Older one would for sure have not been able to care for a baby

This is not much of a rant. I should have gone the sleepy route. I’ll do that now

[absolutebl]

Kdramas That Should be Remade as KBLs

So @inthenevernight asked me this epic question. And I feel like I’ve been waiting a lifetime for it.... 

I’m going to go with actual Kdramas being remade as full treatment BLs (12-16 episodes of 30-45 min each) by Korea in the same vein as the original offering, because I could go nuts with KBL remakes of other country’s het dramas* (Something in My Smile anyone?), or other countries doing their BL takes Kdramas, or having to pick ones that KBL will shrink to the usual short treatment. 

In other words: 

direct 1 to 1, Kdrama ---> KBL only! 

Also, I gotta keep myself under control. So I’m picking TOP 10. 

10 Kdramas I Want Remade as BLs 

Welcome to a regular installment of MAKE IT GAY, YOU COWARDS! 

1. Hospital Playlist

HOSPITAL PLAYLIST hospital playlist hospital playlist hospital playlist hospital playlist hospital playlist hospital playlist hospital playlist hospital playlist hospital playlist 

*gasp* 

This is my favorite Kdrama of all time and I would DIE for the queer friendship group version. Same deal, same egos and attitudes and specialities, just ALL of them are queer.  

2. Descendants of the Sun

Look it could just be gay and not a whole lot would change plot-wise except there’d be real tension and issues with them getting together because military dude. There could still also be conflict between healer/warrior life philosophies. Could still be the same flirting dynamic. 

Go on, ask me how much do I want gay in the Korean military to happen in a BL? SO FLIPPING MUCH. Will it ever. ABSOLUTELY NOT. 

I am a perverse mf. 

3. Uncanny Counter 

Secret cabal of queer af superheroes fights demons out of a noodle shop. Outcast is outcast and bullied because he’s gay. Gay = superpower. It writes itself. *waves hand in air* Make it so. 

Actually I’d settle for Strong Woman Do Bong Soon only gay as well. 

4. Gogh, The Starry Night

Basically a kind of in office-set Boys Over Flowers (reverse harem romance meets bully romance), and I’ve been wanting that for a while from BL. 

Hell, I could see just a BL Boys Over Flowers, for that matter. Doesn’t qualify though because it’s technically Japanese. Also I think, if anyone does this, it should be Thailand. 

5. W

This is one of my favorite Kdramas ever, because it is all about the narrative journeys. Also it uses a narrative conceit, portal fiction (which is portal fantasy, only the portal is to a fictional world) that is popular in Asia but not the west. I love this kind of alt reality story* and W is unquestionably the best of the best. 

6. Run-On

Emotionally unavailable (spectrum? demi?) poor little rich kid jock trying to do the right thing meets morally grounded sunshine orphan chaos monkey. Everything else could stay the same, their jobs and roles, the publicly issues, the relationship issues (can’t be gay when daddy is a politician) and sports bullying plot thread, even the hyung (formerly noona) romance side dishes could be the same, only BL. 

7. What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim? 

How could I not want this dynamic? It’s basically old school whipping boy and watching Foei in Cutie Pie just makes me want this to happen from Korea more. 

8. Heirs 

Of course I want this messy craptastic bully meets spoiled prince abusing his power... only gay. Why tf not? Terribly problematic no matter what, but the messy would be such fun to watch play out as queer if the uke is a boy, especially if he is a super tough street kid type, since the power differential is a bit less extreme when they are both male so it wouldn’t be as anti-feminist as the original. 

9. When the Camellia Blooms

Single dad in a small town trying to make a new life for himself, younger sunshine paladin cop falls in love with him. Whole town is against them. Frankly this one works BETTER as a gay romance than it did as a het one. 

10. Romance is a Bonus Book

I love me a noona and a pining boy since childhood, I think this could be done gay too. Something in the Rain features the variation on this dynamic that I like even more (best friend’s younger brother) but I like the second half and ending of Romance is a Bonus Book better, so I think it would be a better as a direct adaption. But if I had my druthers just combine both stories, then adapt. 

Others I’d love to see BL: 

Melancholia 

Beauty Inside 

Thumping Spike 

Strongest Deliveryman 

Love and Leashes 

Mystic Pop-Up Bar 

Rookie Historian 

100 Days My Prince 

Lawless Lawyer 

Devil Judge (nash)

Doom At Your Service (although I feel like we are kind of getting this with Dear Doctor, I’m Coming For You Soul from Thailand).

I didn’t say True Beauty because I kind of feel like Light On Me is the BL version of True Beauty already. 

* Ask me how much I want Taiwan’s Lost Romance remade as a boy falling into a BL? No seriously, I’d wait because I WANT THIS MORE THAN I WANT FOOD. And food is my love language. Anygay, if you are as into narrative tropes as I am watch this show. (It’s on Viki.) 

(source)

[permian-tropos]

Man I don’t know how quite to put this into words but I think the reason the left-and-right-hand quote from Daniil hits so queerly and so hard is the context it’s spoken in. 

Thinking about Pathologic as a story that was conceived of as three perspectives, each of which are meant to be incomplete, but because of time/budget constraints, the Haruspex campaign was actually less finished than the Bachelor route, even though they’re both available from the start. Because of that, there’s a natural order in which to play them; Bachelor first to get the semi-self-contained “experience” and then Haruspex to get more of the lore and story. 

And if the story was originally conceived as three perspectives, you’d expect events to line up with each other, each campaign follows the same events. You wouldn’t expect that much story deviation. That’s why, remembering the events of the Bachelor route, it might surprise you in Haruspex Day 1 that you can go and meet Daniil right away. That’s... not how it happened before. Isn’t he supposed to be your distant, mysterious rival? 

When you speak to Daniil, the first thing he says confirms that this isn’t the same continuity. He speaks like he has some lingering memory of what happened before. He’s not sure why—he is not used to having ‘mystical inclinations’—but the man before him is familiar. And important to him. 

Of course, Daniil being so present in the Haruspex campaign probably came from the time/budget limitation; they reused old quests from Bachelor route to give Artemy something to do for those first few days. And yet it becomes an emotional core. Your relationship to this other healer isn’t the same as it was before. Things can change. 

Pathologic becomes a story, not about perspectives, but about retelling. Even before a remake of the game was planned, it was a story that was told three separate times. And then, with the remake, it’s ultimately going to be told six times. (EDIT: OH AND WHO CAN FORGET MARBLE NEST which completely centered the idea of trying to replay the same events over and over, to fix past mistakes, to discover more about the world, to defeat the inevitable—completely intentionally, since it was basically advertising the remake, and figuratively discussing the very idea of remaking the story in the process.)

And if we’re being honest, the only fiction genre that embraces that level of re-telling of the same events, that continuously resets character relationships back to the beginning and builds them up again, erases, repeats, changes, evolves, so many diverging paths, but a constant orbit around some central protagonists who are always important to each other no matter the deviating paths—

—it’s romance fanfiction, isn’t it?

So the left-and-right-hand quote feels especially romantic because it’s the point where Pathologic—accidentally, perhaps, but effectively—dives into strange new narrative territory where queer stories unquestionably reign supreme. 

[sinner-as-saint]

Wherever You Stray, I Follow - 4.

Demon!Bucky x Reader 

Series Masterlist

Run-through: Your grandfather left you his manor in his will, and since you had no plans to settle down elsewhere after graduating uni, you decide to finally move in and make the manor your new home. Except, you weren’t ready for it; not the manor, nor the many secrets it contained. You remember your grandfather’s last words and you intended on figuring out what he meant. All you knew was that there was something more to this house, something darker. Upon uncovering unusual family secrets, you happen to find love where you least expected it to be - hidden in the dark. You’d always been a fan of cute, endearing and perfect love stories, however this one is anything but. This one doesn’t have prince charming who will save you but rather a cocky, sarcastic, borderline annoying but irresistible being who lures you over to the dark side. And you follow... 

Themes throughout the series: demon!bucky, smut, angst, fluff, language, supernatural elements, paranormal romance, mentions of death and blood.

You knew it from the beginning. You knew this was never going to be easy. But hell, you didn’t know dealing with a demon would be this fucking hard. 

And confusing. And infuriating. And just downright maddening. 

You should’ve known better. You should’ve seen the awkward silent treatment coming from miles away. Because here you were now, the morning after the argument which resulted in, not surprisingly, steamy sex again - and still not a word exchanged between you and your unusual housemate. 

You hadn’t realized how much his touch had become a habit until he didn’t reach out to hug you, kiss you, hold you or just put his hands on you in any way that morning. And right now, as you sat across from each other at the dining table for breakfast, the heavy silence between you two was even more infuriating than the demon himself. 

You watched him discreetly. He munched on toast as he read some random book. You could tell his mind wasn’t in it but he had to make it seem like he was occupied. Just so he could avoid confrontation. 

Vis walked into the room, refilling both your cups with coffee and you tried to wait until he was gone to say something to Bucky but when he so leisurely flipped a page of his book, acting like you don’t exist, acting like all was well in the world when you were sitting just a few seats down the table, confused and borderline fuming - you couldn’t contain it anymore. 

“Are you seriously going to sit there and not say a word to me?” Your calm, but unquestionably bitter tone was a signal for Vis to leave the room as quickly as possible. He sent you a look before leaving but you’d probably get back to him later. Right now, your sole focus was Bucky. 

Ridiculously handsome in his tight white t-shirt and jeans, acting like he didn’t have a care in the world. He lifted his eyes off his book and stared into yours. “What was that, Princess?” He asked, his tone too casual for a morning following a night like last night. Even that was infuriating. 

You took a deep breath and said, keeping your composure, “Why are you pretending like we have nothing to talk about? What about last night? Are you gonna just pretend that never happened?” 

He looked at you like he was amused. “Which part exactly?” He asked, and sipped on his coffee like he didn’t recall any of what went down last night. 

The part where you got mad because I left you alone all day. The part where you accused me of using you. The part where you hinted at wanting to be out of here as soon as possible. The part where you fucked me like you hated me. The part where you reminded me that I was yours and left me alone all night. The damn part you’re refusing to acknowledge, you stubborn demon from hell! 

“Nothing.” You muttered and stood up quickly. Your chair screeched on the marble flooring as you threw your napkin down on your unfinished plate and walked out of the room. 

There was so much to be said. So much to be clarified and talked about, so much misunderstanding to clear up. But neither of you were certain of the other’s true intentions so the tension from that morning remained stagnant for the entire day. 

The weather outside was foggy and rainy, as always. So you were both confined to the manor, and yet you managed to avoid each other all day. You went to the study again and there, you reluctantly admitted to yourself that you genuinely couldn’t look for the grimoire. 

It could be because you had gotten so used to his annoying company that being in that room alone was almost crippling. Or, perhaps because deep down you didn’t want to find that damned grimoire, because the sooner you do the sooner Bucky would leave. 

So you just sat there, doing nothing but overthinking. What do you want? What does he want? Why is he so confusing? And why the fuck do you miss him so much when he is literally in the same house as you? 

You missed him. And it had only been just one morning spent in silence, but you still missed him. His annoying smirks in the morning. His terrible jokes. His lazy but warm hugs. His kisses. His adorably weird habit of holding your hand as you two walked around the house together. ‘Just… like holding your hand.’ He had said once when you asked him why he did it. You couldn’t even look at the desk without being reminded of last night. 

You walked over to the large windows and looked out of the study, down at the corner of one of the back gardens where you and he had begun gardening one day but then gave up two hours later when it started thundering. You smiled at the thought of how you had showered together that afternoon. Your smile disappeared as you felt a heavy weight on your chest. An absence. A void. 

What do you want, Bucky? 

---

And so the rest of the day passed in isolation. Bucky was nowhere to be found and you remained in the study room. 

That evening, as you were sitting on one of the couches, finishing Book 1 of ‘Paradise Lost’, Bucky walked into the room. You watched him walk in and close the door behind him from your peripheral vision and chose not to acknowledge his presence. Like he did to you this morning. 

Then you saw him walk closer to you and he plopped down on the couch opposite of the one you were sitting on. You kept your eyes on your book, your hands itching to reach out and touch him. Your legs shaking as all you wanted to do was walk over and sit down on his lap instead. 

You felt his stare on your face. Unmoving, burning and intense. You tried to ignore it but it prickled your skin, like tiny little daggers being thrown at your face by the stubborn and complex demon. Finally, after several minutes passed by in painful silence you rolled your eyes and snapped, “What?” You lowered your book just a little to look at him. 

“Nothing.” He answered too quickly, too casually. Then he gave you the smirk that made your whole body tingle in lust. “Fan of Milton’s Satan, I assume? You look the type.” 

Normally you would snap back with a playful, sarcastic comment, but given you were now apparently at war with the gorgeous demon you said, “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” You sounded more defensive than you intended. Mainly because looking at him and not being able to be close to him was making you feel like someone was keeping you from your favorite but destructive drug. 

You were angry at the distance he was creating between you by refusing to communicate. You were angry thinking about what state you would be in if he leaves for good. How would you walk the hallways of this manor again? With him gone and his memories left behind in every inch of this house. How would you sit at that dining table alone again? How would you ever step into this study room and look at that damned desk again? How would you sleep on that bed? How would you go down to the basement again? 

He was right in front of you but the thought of him ever not being in front of you was tormenting you already. And since you couldn’t let all those emotions show, you bared your teeth and showed your anger and irritation instead. A terrible defense mechanism for when you refuse to acknowledge your own emotions, really. 

He brought his hand up and lazily stroked his stubble. Those hands caught your attention. Those perfect hands and all you could think about was all those times they were wrapped around your neck, keeping you in place while he pounded into you… 

He smirked and said, “I’m just saying. You look like the type who tries very hard to like the good guy but then somehow always falls for the dark, morally grey one. Not the knight in shining armor but the antihero who makes you feel conflicted but leaves you wanting more. Am I right?” 

You sat up straighter in your seat. “If you’re gonna sit there and judge my preferences, then I’d suggest you go to bed and ignore me like you have been all day.” 

He looked as cocky as always. “So, you missed me all day?” He dared ask. 

You rolled your eyes at him, then looked back down at your book but were unable to focus on a single word. “Get out, Bucky.” 

He chuckled. “If only it were that easy getting rid of me.” 

Oh for fuck’s sake. “What do you want, huh? You say something then you mean something else. Then you say some other thing but then you act some other way, and then I have to decipher your words and actions and figure out what you actually mean. It’s exhausting.” You exclaimed, keeping your voice low and steady. “Just say it, what the fuck do you want?” 

You weren’t just asking what he wanted right now, but also in the long run. You just hoped he understands. 

His answer was both what you wanted, but also didn’t expect to hear, which only confused you even more. “You.” He said, easily like his mind was made. Like he had never been so sure of something before. 

You… the word echoed in your head. If only it were that easy. 

You closed the book and tossed it on the coffee table as you stood up to leave. He followed. You almost reached the door but he grabbed you by the hand and turned you around so you faced him. He kept his hands on your shoulders, stared into your eyes, and said, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the way I acted last night. I’m sorry for the things I said, the accusations I made. I’m sorry. I was upset. And angry, and…” his voice trailed off. He looked troubled. 

That was the first in weeks where you felt like Bucky was hiding something. “Why?” You asked, “Why were you so upset?”

He waited for a moment or two, as if contemplating if he should tell you. He did. “Because you’re mine. And I don’t necessarily like the idea of another male touching what’s mine.” You were still processing his confusing words when he leaned in and kissed up and down your neck gently. “I’ve missed you all day.” He confessed against your skin. 

You tipped your head back and instinctively wrapped your arms around his shoulders as his hands dropped down to your waist. And there he was, successfully dragging you under his spell again. You sighed as he gently nibbled along your throat, “This is insane.” You mumbled. 

He pulled away and looked into your eyes, “Me kissing you is insane?” 

You lightly, playfully pushed him away but he didn’t move an inch. “You know what I mean.” 

He chuckled into your ear and kissed along your jaw, whispering, “Do I?” 

You whined, leaning into his touch, and gave up arguing with him. His strong arms pulled you closer and pressed your lower body against his, you gasped at the contact. This felt like déjà vu, and now he would somehow fuck you so good for so long that you’d fall asleep right after and you would end up not having the conversation which needed to be had, again. 

So instead of just going with the flow, you pulled away from him and blurted out, “We should have a drink, don’t you think so?” Perhaps you could get him to talk after a drink or two had taken the edge off. Or perhaps you were doing it for yourself, since you knew you’d never be able to have this conversation sober. Or perhaps, it would hurt less if you were sober. 

He looked at you, surprised for a moment but then nodded when the idea didn’t sound half bad. “Sure, what do you want?” 

You thought on it then said, “Well, all we have is a wine cellar downstairs so-,” 

He smirked. “No we don’t.” 

You cocked your head to the side, frowning, “And how do you know?” 

He just grabbed your hand and walked you over to the corner of the study room. “It’s a secret few people know.” He whispered even though there was no one else in the room as he pushed one of the bookshelves along the wall and hidden behind it was an old wooden door, with a rusty knob. Bucky grabbed your hand again and opened the door, walking in with you following closely behind. 

You wrapped your arms around his bicep and stuck to his side as you entered the mysterious, secret room. “What is this?” You asked in surprise and wonder. Normally finding out that there exists a secret room that you didn’t know about in the house that you’ve been living in would freak you out, but with Bucky there with you - you weren’t freaked out. Holding his hand, you knew you were safe. 

Bucky turned one of the switches on and the sole chandelier in the middle of the room lit up, dimly. It was a replica of the basement. A secret drawing room, meant for when one would want peace and quiet. It had no windows, but a vent. The room was surprisingly cozy. 

“It’s one of the many secrets in this manor. I’ll show you all of them one day.” He said so easily, like he had a future planned for you and him. But you were too busy admiring the room to reflect on what he said. 

“How did you… Oh right, you built it.” You corrected yourself. “When you said you built this manor, you meant, actually built it? All by yourself?” You asked. For some reason the image of a shirtless, sweaty Bucky building something popped into your head and refused to leave. 

Bucky grabbed your hand, dramatically twirled you around under the chandelier and pulled you closer again. You giggled and looked up at him as he said, “Demons are very capable creatures, you know?” He leaned closer and whispered, “Very skilled with our hands, and body.” 

You chuckled and pushed him away. And just like that, the tension from earlier disappeared. In this moment, all was well. You watched him as he walked over to the minibar in the corner and grabbed two glasses, poured amber colored liquid in both and brought it over to you. 

You accepted the glass, and took a quick sip at the same time as he did. The liquor ran smoothly down your throat, leaving an addicting aftertaste behind. Before you could comment on it, Bucky was onto you again. Hand at your waist, lips on your neck, kissing you and enjoying your body leisurely. 

You sighed and leaned into him more. Another sip of whiskey later you said, “I’m sorry I punched you. I shouldn’t have, I… I don’t know what got over me. I’m not usually this violent.” 

Bucky chuckled. He mumbled and nibbled on your skin, making you hiss and moan. “It was nothing, Princess. I was being an ass anyways.” He kissed his way up your neck. “Kinda deserved it, kinda liked it too to be honest.” 

You pulled away before he reached your lips, wondering if he was even taking your apology seriously. Then you looked down at his lips and noticed that the cut had healed. Of course it had healed overnight… Still, you apologized again, “I really am sorry for hurting you.” You whispered softly, keeping your eyes on his irresistible mouth. 

He nodded, reaching up to cup your face, “It’s okay, baby.” He barely gave you time to register the new nickname as he leaned in and kissed your lips so deeply and passionately that if someone had asked for your name at that moment, you wouldn’t know it. 

When he pulled away to let you breathe, you whispered against his mouth, “You always do this.” Always pulled you under his spell to avoid facing the possible not so pleasant future. 

He chuckled mischievously, like he was aware. “And you always like it.” He argued. 

You looked up at him, keeping his lower lip in between your teeth and tugging on it to make him groan. “So annoying.” You whispered once you released his lip. “And stubborn.” 

“Hmm,” He smirked and leaned in to kiss you again, whispering, “Do something about it.” 

Before you knew it, he was backing the two of you towards the nearby couch. He gently pushed you down onto the largest 2-seater recliner sofa you had ever been in. You landed with a bounce, and before he was onto you again, you swallowed down the contents of your glass and set it aside. Bucky did the same, then pinned you beneath him on the sofa. 

You felt a warmth inside your chest as you looked up into his blue eyes, perhaps it was the whiskey or maybe it was the shameless lust in his eyes. For some reason you thought of Satan in Paradise Lost… and then your mind drifted to demons. What did they look like when not disguised as humans? In the few seconds which followed you wondered if Bucky had red eyes, or fangs, or horns. Or were those just myths? 

Curiosity got the best of you. “Would you let me see you?” You asked out of nowhere and Bucky was surprised at the request. 

He gently pulled away from you and sat down on the other seat of the recliner; leaving a little space between you two again. You hated that, so you scooted closer and eventually straddled his lap. Refusing to be away from him. He wrapped his arms around you even though he looked like he was drowning in his thoughts. 

“Why?” He asked. He sounded genuinely curious, as though that was the last thing he expected you to ask of him. 

“Why not?” You asked softly, leaning down to kiss him on the nose. “Just wanna see you in all your… demonic glory.” You teased, brushing your lips against his. 

Only for a second he wondered if you wanted to see him at his most diabolical state just so you could run away from him more easily, and forget him like a nightmare if it ever comes down to it. Then he pushed those thoughts aside. He kissed your lips briefly before saying, “I showed up in my true form once, to a summoner centuries ago. The man took one look at me, and got on his knees, begging me to return back to the depths of Hell I came from.” He narrated the anecdote as though expecting you to back down. 

You persisted, “Good thing I’m not a man from centuries ago.” You placed your hand on his cheek. “Show me.” 

He nodded, looking up at you with a sudden adoration and said, “Close your eyes for me, baby.” 

You did, and suddenly the world around you felt too quiet. Too quiet and dark. Sure, mainly because your eyes were closed but there was something else in the air. Energetic, magnetic and heavy. 

You didn’t hear a single sound, just felt it. Felt him. Growing stronger, larger and meaner beneath you. Your legs spread wider as the width of his body grew slightly. You frowned but kept your eyes closed as you became more aware of your surroundings. Of him. The space between you and his body buzzed with something electric. 

You were about to open your mouth and ask if you could see him but before you could, you felt his cold knuckles stroking your cheek. Hell, even his hand felt larger. Colder. You stayed still, breathing heavily as he leaned in and gently kissed the side of your mouth. You felt something pointy scrap along your skin. 

Fangs. You shivered. 

He whispered, his voice lower and raspier than normal, making you tremble even more. “Don’t be scared, Princess. It’s just me.” He pulled away and placed both his hands on either side of your waist, trying not to focus on how your warm, clothed core was placed so perfectly right on his cock. 

You finally opened your eyes. You didn’t know what you were expecting but what you saw was far from a being one would be scared of. The first thing you noticed were the all black eyes, the smallest veins around his eye sockets now pink and visible. 

Without thinking you reached out and touched his skin with your pointer finger. His skin was as soft as always. You could tell his frame had gotten larger, if he stood up he would easily be a whole foot taller than what he normally is. You dragged your finger down to his mouth; his lips the same pink color as always, only now they hid behind them the two fangs which showed themselves once he smirked at you. 

Your whole body felt hot at the sight of him smirking at you with his pointy teeth, looking so large and powerful. Fuck, you’d get on your knees too if he’d let you. You gently touched one of his fangs and he playfully nipped at your finger. 

You hissed and pulled away. But then you couldn’t resist touching him further, exploring his body like it was the first time, so you placed both your hands on his broad shoulders which made his white t-shirt seem tighter than earlier, the seams were holding on for dear life. You inched closer to him, accidentally rubbing your crotch against his hard cock, making the both of you gasp and moan. 

“Careful, Princess, you don’t wanna get hurt.” He teased, and noticed the way his ‘real’ voice made you whimper but lean more towards him. Just the fact that you weren’t running away screaming bloody murder made his frozen heart thaw a little more. 

You scanned his face, down his neck and noticed the way his tattoos seemed darker somehow, against his skin. A reminder of who, or what, he was. But you also couldn’t ignore the way your body heated up just by looking at him. God, this would be so… illicit. But could you walk away? No, not yet. 

“Don’t I?” You dipped your toes into the forbidden, unknown waters. Testing, waiting to see what you’d find in there. 

Bucky tightened his grip just a little and pulled you closer to him, nuzzling your neck again. He let you feel his fangs grazing your skin, letting you get acclimated with the feeling. “And you say I always seduce you.” 

You slid your fingers into his hair and they didn’t feel any different. “I thought you’d have horns, or red eyes. Or a tongue of fire at least. But you look… beautiful.” You admitted. 

Bucky pulled away, looking offended. Though his all black eyes didn’t convey much compared to his ocean blue ones, you could still feel the playfulness radiating from them. “Couldn’t you at least lie and tell me I look menacing and…” He nipped at your lower lip before letting it go, “Something along the lines of demonic and hellish.” 

You giggled quietly, leaning in to brush the tip of your nose with his perfect one. “Right.” You fake gasped, dramatically and said, “How will I ever get out of the grasp of a dangerous, monstrous beast like yourself?” 

He smirked against your skin. “Can’t get away now, Princess.” He wrapped his arms around you and hugged you tightly, grounding you on his clothed cock in the process, “I’ve got you.” Forever, if you’ll have me. 

You hugged him back. “Who knew demons could be such softies?” You mumbled, knowing it would get you a reaction out of him. 

He growled and reached up to grab a fistful of your hair and carefully tugged on it until your head tipped back. “Demons are what now?” He asked, sounding menacing but you could hear the playfulness in his voice. 

You whined and he loosened his grip. You looked down into his eyes and whispered, “I want you. Right now.” You added, surprising both of you, “Like this.”  

He chuckled, letting his hand rest at your butt, bringing your body closer to his. “Always so demanding.” He pointed out, amused. “Take what you want, angel.” 

You let his words register into your brain. You looked into his obsidian eyes and they stared back at you, waiting. So you got off his lap, rapidly stood up to take your lacy underwear off. You threw your underwear aside carelessly, climbing back on his lap, straddling him again. 

You whimpered when your wet core pressed onto his thick, prominent erection. Your hands found themselves placed against the tight fabric of his shirt, pressing against his chest, supporting yourself. He looked up at you and he could’ve sworn his dead heart fluttered.

Bucky looked down and found your eager hands rapidly undoing his tight pants and freeing his erected, throbbing cock. He caught the way you whimpered under your breath at the sight of him, then you went on to wrap your hand around him, slowly stroking his engorged cock, making him throw his head back and groan under his breath. 

You leaned in close to him again, “So big,” you whispered against his lips and then pressed your mouth to his, “I need this cock inside of me.” You slipped your tongue past his lips and slowly stroked the top of his mouth, feeling his fangs. He growled into your mouth, and you immediately bucked your hips against his, your wet core rubbing against his cock and he grunted. His hands rubbed up and down your sides lovingly. 

“I’m all yours, angel.” He whispered against your mouth, your warm breaths mingling. The fact that you saw him for who he really was and still remained in his lap, willing to take his cock, made him feral. He was willing to just sit there and let you take whatever you wanted from him. 

You pulled away from the kiss briefly, lifting your lower body off his and slowly, lowered yourself down on his cock, earning quiet moans and groans out of both of you as you sank down on him. You’d admit, he did feel slightly larger than normal and your body resisted just a little to fit him inside. Your face felt hot at the thought of him being too big to fit inside your wet cunt. 

Bucky felt it too, and an arrogant smirk formed on his face. He grabbed your hips in place and gently thrust his hips up and you moaned wantonly as you felt him fill you up. You were so full your brain was barely able to process his words as he said, “Such a good girl for me.” 

Once he was buried deep inside you, you leaned in to kiss him again purposely keeping your hips in place. “Fuck…” Bucky moaned at how you refused to move and his grip around your waist tightened as he tried to get you to fuck yourself on his cock and stop torturing him. His big cock throbbed against your pulsating walls, causing the tiniest bit of friction which drove you both insane. It felt like he was splitting you in half with that monster cock of his. 

Slowly and when you felt that your body could take it, you moved against him. Lifting your lower body just the slightest, before sliding back down on his cock, you whimpered as he groaned, snug inside of you. The tip of his cock reaching sensitive places you never knew existed. You took a good look at the man beneath you, you couldn’t believe that you were making a creature so dark and evil moan in pleasure. It gave you a warm rush. 

You moved faster then, impaling yourself down on his cock each time. You whimpered shamelessly as you felt him filling you up completely each time, feeling him reach deeper into you with each thrust. His hand slipped between the two of you and found your clit, he rubbed the swollen bud lazily. Grunting and moaning under his breath as you sped up even more, riding his cock and making him lose his damned mind.

“That’s it, Princess. Take it, take all of me in that tight, perfect little cunt…” 

You were whimpering and whining yourself as you took more and more of him. You leaned down to kiss him, biting down and tugging at his bottom lip while you sped up, and his cock stretched you out each time he filled you up.

His hand circled around your waist and he pulled your warm body closer to his. He was in a daze, his body tingled and he felt warm from deep within. Your lips brushed against his each time you moved up and down his cock. He mostly let you set the pace and he took whatever you gave him, only guiding you up and down his cock when you needed him too. 

You bounced on his cock moaning and whining, feeling him stretch you out as you stared into his dark eyes. Bucky held you at your waist and rhythmically thrust his hips up each time to match your movements. Brows furrowing and panting while you rode his cock, throwing his head back and moaning, “You feel so fucking good, angel…” He tried to contain his grunts, “Like a perfect fuck doll made just for this demon cock…” 

He panted and groaned at how good you felt, whispering against your skin about how perfect you felt around him; wet and warm all for him. He panted against your cheek, kissing the side of your face and gripping your jaw with his hand. “You’re all mine,” He whispered, “All mine.” 

“All yours…” You didn’t slow down as you felt your orgasm wash over you, and he kept thrusting his hips up into you as your eyes rolled back and you moaned out loud as you came, hard, feeling your walls squeezing and clenching around him as you came undone. You panted and leaned forward, pushing your face into his neck to catch your breath. 

Bucky came right after you, his warm load spilling inside of you, filling you up remarkably as he wrapped his arms around you and pressed your trembling body closer to him. “You were so good, angel. So good…” 

As you laid your head on his shoulder, catching your breath you thought of a lot of things. The unkind past, the confusing present and the unknown future. “I need you…” You mumbled so quietly you weren’t even sure he heard you as you wrapped your arms tighter around him. 

Then he replied saying, “I’ve got you, baby. I’ve got you.” 

Right now, as you lay in his arms, spent, satiated and well fucked, if you were given a choice - to either walk over to the dark side with him forever, or to let him go for good - you wouldn’t even think twice before taking his hand and following him to whatever depths of darkness he would take you. 

Of course, that would be easy. But would it be the right thing to do? To keep him here simply because you loved him too much to let him go? 

---

a/n: TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM ALREADY OMG-

[justonemorechapternicercy]

This is very random but I was having absolute Percy and Thalia relationship (queerplatonic of course) and I start imagining them bonding over looking like their parents and hating it

It goes along my headcanon of Thalia being naturally blonde and dying her hair so she doesn't look like her mom

Blonde thalia is something I can't remember if it's canon or fanon lmao

It was a strange kind of love between the two of them. Not the kind that romantic movies promoted, nor the kind that bonded Silena and Beckendorf together. Yet, it wasn't quite the love between him and Annabeth, or what he imagined how it would be to love a sibling.

He supposed he loved Thaila like a sister - an annoying one -, but not really.

The strings of fate - or the yarn of the Fates - tied them together as cousins, but Percy just couldn't figure out in what other ways, and the nameless bond between them should have been terrifying in it's anonymity if it wouldn't have felt so right.

The first time they sought out the other's company was in Camp Half-Blood, after the fateful capture the flag. They were arguing, fighting, screaming at each other as their emotions run high, but... The bond between them was unquestionable.

They were the only ones who could understand the other.

She was there when Annabeth was gone, when he could think nothing but saving her. She was there when Bianca died, when Zoe died, when Luke almost died. Even after chosing the huntresses, she was there for him.

And he was there for her as well.

Thalia had seen him in his worst, and he in hers, and they still chose each other. She held his heart in her hands, and he hers, knowing it was the most precious, broken thing in the world.

At first, they didn't have to say anything, they understood each other without talking. (And when they did, it unavoidably turned into screaming matches and power displays, so it was better not talking. Even if staying silent was the hardest thing ever.) But one night, before the war, before the death of their loved ones, they talked about them, about their relationship, about who they were and who they wanted to be.

It was surprisingly cathartic.

Percy knew he could tell her anything.

"I hate looking like this. Being too similar to my father," Percy groaned, looking into the mirror, trying not to tear his hair out. He hated looking at his reflection, seeing the younger version of his father. Sea-green eyes, fluffy black hair, strong jaw and high cheekbones... The only thing missing were the beard, the Hawaiian shirt, and some crowfeet around the eyes.

"I... Know what you feel," Thalia mumbled, laying on his bed, and Percy could only laugh.

"While your eyes are similar to your father's, you are not his carbon copy, unlike me." He grimaced, then glanced at Thalia, who looked like a stormcloud personalized.

"Not my father... I look like my mother," she confessed. Percy furrowed his brows, confused.

"But wasn't she-"

"I'm blonde. My natural hair color is blond," she spat, her eyes hard and cold. Percy glanced at her hair, but it was still the usual style, nothing that could have clued him in that her hair was naturally blond, not black.

"Dying my hair was the best decision in my life. If you want to... Dark blue would look good on you," Thalia said, glancing critically at Percy's hair.

Percy didn't have to take time to consider her offer. Without missing a beat, he replied, "Let's do this."

Buying the hair dye was quick and easy, using it was even easier. As Thalia worked on his hair, tentatively, they started talking about their parents, about their losses and hopes. How they would never become their parents.

After the finishing touches, Thalia slotted herself into Percy's side, leaning against each other, silently, reassuringly, hands twined together.

"You look good," she complimented, satisfied with her work. He really looked good.

There was no romance between them, they both knew that. No matter what other people would think about the closeness between them. Not even Artemis could say anything bad about it; they were each other's comfort.

They were each other’s heart. Just not in the romantic sense.

"Can I lay my head on your thighs?" Percy asked after a while, sleepily.

Thalia a snorted, but without further comment, she pointed at her legs, giving green lights to Percy.

He grinned dopily, throwing himself over her to find the most comfortable position. Her thighs were strong and muscled, but soft and comfortable, smelling like ozone and home.

Probably unconsciously, her fingers found way to his newly colored blue hair to caress him, pet him like he was an overgrown cat, turning the whole experience even more heavenly.

“You okay there?” she asked, smile hiding in her voice, and he nodded, his head firmly against her thighs. Slowly but surely he drifted to sleep, Thalia following him quickly into the waiting arms of Morpheus.

They always slept better together than alone.