#they ate on this album I am unwell

[shea-like-the-butter]

Saturday, October 26th 2024

Wash me in the water

You can cut off all my hair

And I’ll be changing like the weather

But I’ll never be like him

[evermoreholland]

in harmony | tom holland

-> singer!reader x tom holland

-> summary: after a nasty break up, you go to london with your two best friends in hope to find inspiration for your upcoming album and a london boy soon became your muse.

-> word count: 5.7k

-> a/n: wow. this is probably my favorite fic of mine. i hope you all enjoy it as much as i do. big thank you to @rainbowrobin for hyping this fic up and being its biggest fan. also thank you to @cali-holland for beta reading this for me! your support means the world to me and you inspire me every day to keep writing. love you to bits <3

~~~

Breaking up with someone you used to care about was never easy. In fact, grieving and eventually getting over that person was the hardest thing to do. You were a singer so relationships that went public usually ended up terribly wrong. The good part about it is that you can write a hit song about the experience.

Breaking up with your past boyfriend was probably the worst experience for you thus far. You thought that he was the one, every move you made was for him and you ended up depending on him constantly. And he broke your heart. He played you like a fiddle and played with the strings of your heart. He cheated on you with someone you were insecure about the duration of your relationship with him, which made everything feel worse.

You decided that you needed a change of scenery in hopes to clear your head. You had been spending time in your Los Angeles apartment moping around, trying to get over your ex-boyfriend. You also had a deadline for your new album and you haven’t even started. Your album was due towards the end of the summer, and it was now spring.

You sat down on your sofa with a pen and notebook in your hand. You were determined to write something. You didn’t want to write songs about your breakup, but that was all you were thinking about. You saw your phone on the coffee table light up and buzz. It was your manager and agent, Cassandra. You picked up the phone nervously, knowing that she was going to ask about your progress or lack thereof.

“Hello?” You answered.

“Hello, Y/N,” Cassandra greeted sweetly. “How’s the album coming along? We need to start recording soon.”

“Funny you ask.” You always tried to make fun out of an uncomfortable situation.

“Y/N.”

“I’m sorry, Cass! I have no idea what I should be writing about for this album.” It’s not like you didn’t want to write. You did, but you had no idea what to write about.

“Maybe you need a change of scenery, dear. You haven’t been out in months,” Cassandra suggested.

“Maybe you’re right.”

“Where would you want to go? You can stay there for the rest of the spring and the beginning of the summer.”

You thought about it for a moment. You definitely wanted to leave the country.  “How does London sound, Cass?”

“Sounds nice. I’ll book you, Natalie, and Sarah tickets for this weekend and I’ll rent the three of you an Airbnb for your stay,” Cassandra confirmed. Natalie was your personal assistant and your best friend. Sarah was your older sister who traveled with you everywhere and she helped you with many of your songs. She was good to bounce ideas off of. You had the perfect team.

“Perfect. Thank you.” You both said your goodbyes and hung up.

***

Tom got off the airplane and sighed in relief. He was finally home. After many months of filming on another continent, he was back in London. Tom was ready to finally sleep in his own bed and hang out with his brothers and friends once again.

Harry and Tom took an Uber back to Tom’s apartment. It was fairly late and all Tom wanted to do was sleep. In the Uber, Tom and Harry made light conversation.

“You want to go to the new pub by our flat this weekend? Haz and Tuwaine want to hang out,” Harry asked.

“Sure,” Tom mumbled. To be quite honest, Tom had absolutely no desire to go out at all this weekend, but he knew that his mates wanted to see him. He did want to see them too, so he agreed.

“Sounds good.”

***

You packed your suitcases for London at the last minute. In your defense, Cassandra only booked Thursday night’s tickets on Wednesday, so you didn’t have that much time in the first place. You were planning on using your time in London to relax and to create a healthy headspace to write your next album.

You called Natalie to ask her opinion on some of your outfit choices. “Nat, am I going for a  casual look this trip? Like sweatpants and t-shirts?”

“Absolutely not, Y/N. Are you insane?!”

“It was just a question, Natalie.” You defended yourself. “What should I pack then?”

“I don’t know, just look hot. You need to get out of the post-breakup sweatpants phase.”

“Fine,” you grumbled. You grabbed some cute spring sundresses from your closet and threw them into your suitcase. You packed some jeans and blouses as well.

You hung up with Natalie and took a look at your bag. “Should be good.”

***

The flight to London from Los Angeles was long and exhausting. You arrived at Heathrow airport in the early afternoon on Friday. You immediately went to the house to rest up from jetlag. Once you woke up a few hours later, Sarah was pressuring you and Natalie to get dressed. “We’re going to the pub! Get up, ladies!”

“What? Why?” Natalie groaned. You and Natalie were laying on your beds in your shared room. Sarah jumped onto your bed and tackled you.

“Sarah, we’re exhausted,” you said. You pushed your sister off of you and sat up. “We can just go tomorrow.”

“It’s the pub’s grand opening! It’s supposed to be fire!”

“Fine,” you mumbled. You got up and began unpacking your suitcase. “But I refuse to wear heels.”

***

Harrison made his way to his best mate’s flat to pick him up for the Cheer Beers grand opening on Friday night. Harrison used his spare key to get into Tom’s place. “Tom,” Harrison called out. He made his way to Tom’s bedroom to make sure he was ready for the night.

“In my room!” Tom exclaimed. Tom sounded upset and agitated. Harrison entered his room anyway because he wanted to hang out with his best friend. He opened the door and noticed Tom laying his bed under the covers.

“Are you alright, mate?” Harrison asked. Harrison noticed Tom in his pajamas while in bed. “Why aren’t you ready to go? Harry already went out with Tuwaine to wait in line.”

“I want to hang out with you all, but I’m just so jetlagged, mate.”

Harrison took his phone out of his back pocket to check the time and noticed an Instagram notification from you. He opened it out of curiosity and it was a direct message. It said that you would be at Cheer Beers tonight with your friends and asked if he was going. Harrison and you had met at an award show a few months back and you became friends. “You know what I just found out, Tom?”

“What?”

“Y/N L/N is going to the grand opening tonight.”

“You’re lying just to get me out of bed!” Tom accused him. Tom didn’t want to admit it, but he fancied you. He has been following you on social media and listening to your music for a while now, so Harrison saying you were going to be at the pub caught his attention.

“I’m not.” Harrison showed Tom his phone with your direct message. “I had no idea she was in town, though.”

“No clue, either.”

“Now will you come?” Harrison asked. “I know you have a huge crush on her.”

Tom eyed him skeptically but then let out a sigh. “Fine, I’ll go.”

***

You waited in line outside of Cheer Beers with Sarah and Natalie. You were wearing a black sleeveless cocktail dress with black slip-on vans. You saw a few familiar faces approach you and you realized that it’s your friend Harrison and his mates. You recognized one of his friends to be Tom Holland.

“Hey, Haz!” You greeted. He pulled you into a hug and squeezed you tightly. You pulled away and said, “Following me, I see?”

“Very funny,” he replied. “We were coming to opening night anyway. We were planning this in honor of Tom’s return from filming.”

“Oh, that’s right,” you said and then turned to Tom. You put your hand out for him to shake. “I’m Y/N.”

He shook your hand and you felt his sweaty palm touch yours. You could assume that he was either unwell or nervous. “Tom. Nice to finally meet you.”

“Likewise.”

You introduced Natalie and Sarah to Harrison and he introduced the rest of his friends to the three of you.

“Would you like to share a table with us?” Harry, Tom’s younger brother, asked you.

“I’m sure that Y/N L/N would have much better opportunities than to sit with us, Harry,” Tom interjected.

“Actually, Tom, we would love to.” You all entered the pub and grabbed a table in the back room. Harrison sat between Sarah and Tuwaine. Harry sat by Natalie. You sat between Natalie and Tom, per Natalie’s whisper in your ear to go for it. You all got your first round of drinks.

“So what brings you to London?” Tom asked.

“Needed to clear my head,” you said and then ate the olives from your martini.

“So you flew halfway across the world?” Tom was amused and you could tell. He wasn’t trying to laugh at you particularly, he just thought it was funny that you chose London of all places.

“Shut up,” you teased. “We’re here for the summer. A vacation, or holiday, if you will.”

“Nice, nice.” You could feel the slight awkward tension between the two of you. You were basically strangers so it made sense. You decided to try and break it. “How was filming for the third Spider-Man film?”

Tom’s eyes lit up at your sudden interest in his work. “Can I tell you a funny story?”

***

Three hours passed by and you decided to call it a night. You talked with Tom the entire night. You enjoyed his company but you were also jetlagged. “Tom, I’m tired,” you said as you leaned on his shoulder.

“Me too.”

“Want to walk me home?” You asked.

“Would love to.” You both got up from the booth and Tom paid for your drinks, even though you protested. Harrison, Tuwaine, Harry, Sarah, and Natalie didn’t look like they were ready to leave any time soon so you said your goodbyes to them and left with Tom.

“How far are you away from here?” Tom asked you.

“About a ten minute walk.” You began walking in the cool London air.

“So, Harrison told me that you were writing for your new album. How’s that going?”

“Not well,” you said as you crossed your arms over your chest. “It’s been fucking difficult.”

“I’m sorry, love.” The pet named warmed your heart and body even more. Tom wrapped his arm around your shoulder and pulled you closer to him. “I wish I can help you out somehow.”

“It’s alright. Getting out tonight helped me get into a good headspace,” you said.

“Glad to hear it.” You arrived at your Airbnb and Tom walked you to the front door. “I had a great time tonight, Y/N.”

You smiled, the first genuine smile that you’ve had in a while. “Me too, Tom.” You opened your door to enter.

“Wait.” Tom stopped you. “Let me get your number.”

“Sure.”

***

Two weeks had passed since you arrived in London and you and Tom have been texting back and forth. He had even taken you on a tour of London. He took you to all of the hot spots. Occasionally, Tom, Harrison, and Harry would come over to your Airbnb to hang out with you, Sarah, and Natalie. You were developing friendships with everyone, but you felt a bit stronger about Tom. He was charming, kind, and really funny. You enjoyed his company and you finally got the chance to start writing for your upcoming album. You realized that you didn’t want to write about your breakup with your ex, but instead write about your crush on the brown-haired London boy.

“How is the album coming along?” Cassandra asked you on the phone.

“Pretty good. I have a killer single coming your way and many other songs too.”

“Remember, we need to start recording at the end of July.”

“You got it.”

“You sound happy,” she commented. She was right. You were happy and finally completely over your ex. “It’s a good look on you.”

“Thanks.”

“What are you writing about?”

“Oh, you know… London, pubs, boys,” you trailed off.

***

Harrison was busy planning his upcoming date with your sister, Sarah. They hit it off extremely well at the opening of Cheer Beers. They got each other’s numbers and planned to go on a date. To be honest, Harrison was stressed out. He scored a date with Sarah L/N, which ultimately shocked him. So, he decided to go to his best mate for some advice.

Tom was sitting in his living room and Harrison entered with two dress shirts in hand. One of them was a white button-down and the other one navy. “Which shirt should I wear on my date with Sarah?”

“Black slacks, right?” Tom asked.

“Yeah, and a black leather jacket.”

“Go with white,” Tom suggested.

“Thanks, mate. Another question,” Harrison proposed. It felt natural for Harrison to ask Tom about his lady troubles, even though Tom had been single for a while.

Tom nodded his head to urge Harrison to continue.

“What if I fuck this up?” He asked nervously. “I really like Sarah.”

Tom got up from the couch to come closer to Harrison and put his hand on his shoulder. “You’ll be fine, mate. Just be yourself. She’ll fancy you, I promise.”

“How are you so good at giving me advice but you can’t get a girlfriend?”

Tom mocked being bothered. “Rude,” he scoffed.

“What are you waiting for?”

“If I say the perfect girl, will you slap me?” Tom joked.

“Yes, yes I will,” Harrison laughed as he replied. “I think that you already found the perfect girl at Cheer Beers.”

“We’re still getting to know each other. Why must we move so fast?” Tom wondered. He wanted to take things slow. His life had always moved fast and he wanted something to move at his pace, for once. Too many relationships have moved too fast and he ended up hurt.

“Because she’s only here for so long and I have a feeling that she likes you,” Harrison reasoned. Tom was starting to feel the same way about you too.

“Fine. While you go on your date with Sarah tonight, I’ll see if Y/N wants to hang out.” He picked up his phone from the coffee table and texted you asking if you wanted to come over. You replied saying yes and he smiled. “We’re hanging out.”

“Great. Don’t forget to use protection,” Harrison said as he ran away to go get dressed for his date.

“Fuck off, you div!”

***

Tom went to the grocery store to pick up some snacks and beers before you came over to his flat. He tidied up the living room once he got home and made sure to fluff the pillow to make them look nicer. Even though you and Tom were only friends, he couldn’t help but make sure that everything looked perfect for you.

You arrived 30 minutes later. You wore sweatpants and a sweatshirt, along with your slides. Your hair was out of your face and Tom thought that you looked stunning. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Tom blushed. “Nice sweatshirt.” Your sweatshirt was light blue and it had butterflies on it. Tom realized that he loved that color on you.

He led you to the couch and he sat beside you. “So what did you do today?” You asked.

“I worked on a script that I’m writing and then I helped Harrison get ready for his date with your sister. What about you, love?” The pet name made your heart flutter. Tom was definitely charming.

“I worked on some songs for the album,” you answered proudly.

“Care to share?”

“Willing to share what the script’s about?” You asked back, already knowing the answer.

“I’m legally not allowed to share, so no. I’m sorry, darling.”

“Then my answer is the same.”

“Well played, pretty girl,” he flirted. “Wanna watch a movie?”

“Sure, what do you have in mind?”

“Avengers: Age of Ultron?”

“Yes, it’s one of my favorite Marvel movies!” You exclaimed. “I have a feeling that you knew that already.”

Tom smiled at you as he picked up the remote from the coffee table and turned on the television. “I may have, but only because Haz told me. Don’t worry, though. It’s one of my favorites too.”

Tom found the movie and before he hit play he got up from the couch. “May I offer you some popcorn before we start the movie? I have beer as well.”

“Yes to both, please.” Tom went to the kitchen to pop the popcorn and grab some beers. He came back around five minutes later with everything.

“Here you go,” he said as he handed you a bottle of beer. “I know it’s not a martini.”

“It’ll have to do,” you teased. You pat the seat beside you to urge Tom over. “Now, come sit.”

Tom pressed play and the Marvel introduction appeared on the screen. You moved closer to Tom and he wrapped his arm around your shoulder, just like he did that night at the pub. “Is this ok?” He asked.

“It’s perfect.”

Around an hour into the movie, the popcorn was finished along with your first bottle of beer. Tom’s hand was still resting on your shoulder but now your head was resting on his. “Y/N?” Tom called out.

“Yeah?” You asked as you moved your head away from him so you could look at him.

“Can I be honest with you about something?” You nodded so he would continue. “I really want to kiss you.”

“Can I be honest with you?” You asked while smiling.

“Yeah.”

“I really want you to kiss me,” you said as you leaned in. He pressed his lips against yours in a soft first kiss. You kissed back almost immediately. After a couple of seconds, you pulled away from him.

“Wow,” he said.

“Ditto,” you said and then pulled him back towards you. You kissed him again and you knew that from now on, you couldn’t get enough of him.

***

Tom and you didn’t finish the movie the other night. After your many makeout sessions with him, you decided to go home, and you promised him that the two of you would get together again soon. You went home with the biggest smile on your face. Since your kiss, you and Tom have not talked about the status of your relationship. As of right now, you were just friends who have kissed before. No biggie.

It was now the 28th of May and you were sitting on a park bench having coffee with Harrison. It would be Tom’s 25th birthday in four days and the two of you were attempting to plan the perfect party for him.

“You’ll get the decorations, Sam will cook a few dishes, and I’ll provide booze,” Harrison said, listing things off. “We’ll host it at my new flat and I already called everyone.”

“Sounds great, Haz. I just hope he has a great time.”

“I’m sure he will,” he said as he winked at you, indicating something.

“What is that supposed to mean?” You asked, referring to his wink.

“I know that something happened between the two of you last week. Tom hasn’t stopped smiling since the two of you started hanging out. I’m sure he’ll be happy to know that you planned a party for him.”

“We all are planning it,” you corrected him.

“Yeah, but it’s not like he fancies me,” Harrison laughed.

You rolled your eyes at the blonde-haired boy in front of you. “Whatever.” You got up from the park bench and began walking towards his car. “Come on, Harrison. We need to go to the market.”

***

It was the 1st of June; Tom’s birthday. You woke up early to make sure that everything was ready to go for the party tonight. Harrison and Tom’s brothers planned a golf trip with Tom while you set up Harrison’s flat. You brought Sarah and Natalie along with you to help.

“Move that banner a little more to the right,” you told Sarah. She moved it as you requested. The banner said, Happy 25th birthday, Tom! in light blue glitter. “Looks great. Thanks, sis.”

You blew up balloons, set up tables for the food and drinks, got streamers and ribbons, and finally assembled the cupcake tower with the cupcakes you and Natalie baked the night before.

“Red velvet. Nice choice,” Sarah said as she took a look at the cupcakes on display.

“They’re Tom’s favorite,” you pointed out.

“Seems like you know a lot about him.”

“Well, he is my friend.”

Natalie laughed at your response to your sister’s comment. “Is that all he is?” She asked.

“For now.” You pulled out your phone from your pocket to check the time. It was the early afternoon and the party would start in a few hours. “We better get going to get ready. Sam will bring the food and set it up within the hour.”

Before you got into the car, you texted Tom to wish him a happy birthday and he responded with a heart emoji. You smiled to yourself and then got into the car to drive to your Airbnb.

The three of you washed up and got dressed for Tom’s party. You decided on wearing a light blue sundress with daisies on it. You matched it with white wedges and you did your hair to your liking. Once you were all ready you drove to Harrison’s. When you got there, Harrison, Sam, Tuwaine, and a few other friends of Tom’s were already there.

“Harry is bringing Tom in around 15 minutes,” Harrison told you.

“Ok. Everything seems to be going pretty smoothly.”

“We make a pretty great team,” Harrison said in appreciation for all of the work to make Tom’s party happen.

“Tell that to Sarah over there,” you teased him. His date with your sister went well from what she told you, but because of Harrison’s nervousness, they haven’t talked much since. “She’s been dying to hang out with you.”

“Are you just saying that so you can have Tom all to yourself when he gets here?” He tried to joke.

“No,” you said seriously. “Go talk to her, Haz.” You pushed him lightly in her direction to encourage him to go talk to her.

“I see Harry’s car pulling up!” Sam said a few minutes later. “Everyone get ready.”

Harry used Harrison’s spare key to get into his flat and once both of them entered you all yelled, “Surprise!”

“Thanks, guys!” Tom said in shock. Tom made his rounds to greet everyone to say thank you. You waited patiently in the kitchen for the birthday boy. He finally approached you after a few minutes. “Hey, love.”

“Happy birthday,” you said as you pulled him in for a hug. “You look very handsome.”

He pulled away to look at you. “Thank you, but you’re absolutely stunning.”

You leaned in to kiss his cheek and then said, “Thanks, Tom.”

“I should be thanking you,” he said and then grabbed your hands to intertwine your fingers together.

“For what?”

“Harrison told me that you helped him plan all of this, so thank you.”

“It’s my pleasure,” you said genuinely. “You like it?”

“I love it. He looked over to the counter and saw the cupcakes. “Is that a cupcake tower?”

“A red velvet cupcake tower,” you confirmed. “I baked them.”

“You’re a goddess.” He kissed your lips for half a second and then grabbed a cupcake from one of the tiers. He unwrapped the cupcake and then took a bite. He hummed in delight.

“I’m taking that you like them,” you giggled at the man in front of you. He could seriously make anything look cute.

“They’re heaven,” he moaned. Tom dipped his finger in the frosting and swiped your nose with it. You looked at him in shock. “Aw, you look so adorable,” he said.

You laughed at his antics. “Glad you think so, babe.”

Tom’s lit up at the pet name. “Babe? Hmmm.”

“Yeah, babe.” You took some frosting from what was remaining of his cupcake and placed some on his nose to match you. “You look very cute with frosting on your nose, babe.”

Tom grabbed a napkin from the counter and cleaned the frosting off the both of you. “We’re both very cute.”

“Ok, lovebirds,” Sam called out for the two of you. “Let’s get this party started!”

“Before we go out there, I have something to ask you,” Tom said.

“And what may that be?”

“Will you go out on a date with me?” He asked nervously. You felt your heart skip a beat and you could’ve sworn that you felt Tom’s heart beating rapidly from how close you were standing to him.

“I would love to, Tom,” you said and then kissed him to confirm that you really wanted to.

***

The rest of the night went well and Tom enjoyed his time with his friends. You, Sarah, and Natalie crashed at Harrison’s place along with Tom and Harry. The party ended late and the five of you were too tired to drive home, so Harrison offered to let you all stay there.

You woke up early and made your way downstairs to heat the kettle for tea. As you were waiting, you heard footsteps, and soon enough a pair of arms wrapped around you. “Good morning, beautiful,” Tom said and then kissed your clothed shoulder.

“Morning.” You turned around so you could face him. “How did you sleep?”

“Not so well,” Tom said as he stretched out his arms. “Harrison’s a kicker.”

“Poor baby,” you teased, and then Tom pouted. “Quit pouting, Tommy. I know you’re faking it.”

“Fine,” Tom mumbled.

You turned to the stove and saw that the kettle was ready. “Want tea?”

“Please. A splash of milk and a spoonful of sugar, if you don’t mind.”

“Not at all,” you said as you poured him a cup. “So where are we going on our first date?”

“That’s a surprise, darling.”

***

A week after Tom’s birthday, Tom texted you asking if you were available to go on your first date. You had been working on the album the entire morning so you thought it’d be nice to go out with Tom. You replied yes and he told you to be ready within the hour. Tom knocked on your door around an hour later, with a bouquet in his hand. “These are for you, love,” he said with a smile as he handed them to you.

“Thank you, Tom,” you said and then sniffed the flowers. “Come in while I put these in some water.” Tom entered your Airbnb and you searched for a vase in one of the cabinets. Once you found one, you filled it up with water and put the flowers in. “We should be good to go now.”

Tom held your hand as he led you to the car. He opened the door for you and then got in and started the car. “You ready?”

“Where are we going?” You asked.

“You’ll see in around 15 minutes, angel.” Tom grabbed your hand that was resting in your lap and brought it up to his lips to kiss it. “I don’t think I told you this, but you look ethereal.”

“You’re quite the charmer, Holland.”

“I aim to please,” he joked. “But in all seriousness, you always look gorgeous.”

Tom was by far the kindest man you have ever met in your entire life. You have known him for barely two months but he made you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. You had never felt this way about anyone before.

Tom drove down to a lake. “It’s one of my secret spots,” he told you.

He led you down to the grass near the water and he set up a picnic there for the two of you. “I made sandwiches, cut up some fruit, and some apple cider.”

“It looks good. Thank you, Tom.” He pulled everything out from the picnic basket and handed you one of the sandwiches.

“Anything for you.”

“So this is one of your secret spots, huh?” You asked.

“Mhm,” he mumbled as he took a bite from his sandwich.

“So you bring a lot of girls here?” You teased and you could’ve sworn that you saw Tom almost choke on his sandwich. “Is that why it's so special?”

“Very funny, love,” Tom said. “No, I actually come here alone.”

“I’m guessing because it’s quiet.”

“Yeah, I come here when I need to clear my head.”

You looked around the area and you immediately understood why Tom liked it so much. There was a beautiful, cool breeze and the birds chirping sounded like music to your ears. “It’s beautiful. Thank you for bringing me here.”

“I can drive you here to write songs if you’d like,” Tom offered.

“That would be lovely.”

You and Tom spent a couple of hours at the lake. You talked about anything and everything, and you finally felt yourself get closer to him. You felt him opening up to you too, which you felt good about.

“Would you like to go on a drive with me?” Tom asked once you both packed up the remainder of the picnic.

“Will there be music involved?”

“What would be a nice evening drive without music? C’mon, let’s go.” Tom led you to his car and you began your drive. The sun was setting and it was beautiful. “It’s wonderful outside, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it is,” you said.

“I had a great time with you, Y/N.”

“Me too.”

*** Once Tom dropped you off, you began writing another song. His date left you inspired and you were starting to like him more and more. Each time you saw him your feelings for him grew. He inspired you to write your song, London Boy.

Tom wanted a second date. He felt so good leaving the first one and knew that he wanted to pursue a relationship with you. He knew that it would be hard but relationships won’t always be easy. He decided to call you the next to ask when he could see you again.

“Tom, we just went out,” you teased.

“I know, Y/N, but I like you. A lot.” You thought that it was cute how Tom was eager for a second date. You were excited too.

“I like you, too. I would love to see you again, too,” you said.

“Coffee? I don’t drink it but I know how much you like it,” Tom offered.

“How about tea? Know any good spots for a cup of tea and maybe breakfast?”

“I know just the place. See you soon, Y/N.”

***

Many amazing dates with Tom and a bunch of fun days in London later and you know that you’re ready to start recording your next album. People had their assumptions about you and Tom. Rumors had gone around but Tom and you didn’t address them.

London inspired so much of your album that you decided to record there. The rest of your team flew out and you began recording.

You called Tom asking him to come to the studio. “I’m recording one of my favorite songs today. I would love for you to come if you’re free.” You were recording London Boy today and you wanted Tom to hear it since he hadn’t before. It would also be a good way to officially tell Tom that you’re falling in love with him.

“I would love to come. Send me the address.”

“You got it. See you in 20.”

You sent Tom the address of the studio and he was there within 15 minutes. You greeted him at the front. “Hey, babe.”

He kissed you on the cheek and then asked, “Are you excited for today?”

“Very. I’m excited for you to hear the song,” you said as you led him into the studio. You introduced him to Cassandra and the rest of your team.

“Y/N, get your pretty ass in the booth,” Cassandra said. You walked into the recording booth and put on your headphones. “Let’s do this.”

“Tom, sit up in front,” you said and then he took a seat beside Cassandra. “This one is called London Boy.”

The upbeat music came on and you knew that you were skipping the intro for now so you went in with the first verse.

I love my hometown as much as Motown, I love SoCal And you know I love Springsteen, faded blue jeans, Tennessee whiskey But something happened, I heard him laughing I saw the dimples first and then I heard the accent They say home is where the heart is But that's not where mine lives

You heard Cassandra tell you to stop so they could play it back. You saw Tom smiling at you as you were singing and you took that as a good sign that he was enjoying it.

“Now for the chorus.”

You know I love a London boy I enjoy walking Camden Market in the afternoon He likes my American smile, like a child when our eyes meet Darling, I fancy you Took me back to Highgate, met all of his best mates So I guess all the rumors are true You know I love a London boy Boy, I fancy you (Ooh)

You ended up finishing the recording of the song in an hour. You left the booth for your break and you first greeted Tom. “What did you think of it?”

“I love you, too,” he said. You leaned up to him and kissed him with every fiber of your being.

“That’s good because many of these songs are about you.”

“And I can’t wait to hear them all,” he said and then smiled.

“I can’t believe how I’ve only been here for three months and I already feel this way,” you said honestly. You have never fallen so fast for anyone, but it feels right with Tom. Everything feels right with him.

“Well, believe it because it’s real,” Tom confirmed. “Be mine, Y/N?”

“I thought you’d never ask, lover.”

~~~

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tagging: @tomsbabymomma @canwekissforever-hazzy @pinklxmonade​ @tomsbrina​ @storybookholland​ 

[rambles-fairy]

June 28th 2020

My first journal entry. Here at least. I guess I should start with a story, but I will make it a short story. Let’s go back in time, from 2015. 5 years ago. 5 years ago I was in an unhappy long term relationship and I was on medication for anxiety and depression. The medication was mild, probably because I used to lie on the forms.

I read something once, about people who were passively suicidal: they didn’t want to take their life as such, they just hoped that one day they would just cease to exist. I wonder how many people who feel that way look at the little tick box ���suicidal?” and tick no, because suicidal seems so dramatic for a feeling that comes from such a tired, apathetic place.

That was me, anyway. I was in a relationship I hated. I tried to leave, but he persuaded me to stay and then slowly spend the next couple of years pointing out why I wasn’t actually all that great.

Eventually he left me for a girl who was that great – she jogged, cosplayed, was apparently very sexy to men-who-go-to-comicon, a fantastic gamer and a real life globe trotting adventurer. When it finally happened, I was so worn down I don’t think I was really all that sad. I moved in with a friend and I spend approximately 32 hours crying non stop, not sleeping, and then like emerging from a dream, I was okay.

During this time, and just before, I had fallen in love with a man I worked with. Or rather, the idea of him, because his silences were so long, that I think I filled them with stories I hoped were true. Things did not last between us, but he impacted my life, in his peripheral ghostly way, more than the man I was with for seven years (or was it eight? I don’t really remember anymore).

He used to read my journal and it started as an exciting rollercoaster, where I felt totally alive and understood. Slowly though, I lost novelty, as did my journal, and then it just seemed that I was a never-ending highway of issues: anxiety, depression, some good moments, some highs, but never permanent.

I once had a doctor who said that my condition was not something that could be cured – it was chronic and it would always be something I managed, not recovered from. I remember the moment so well, partly because she was awful, but that is another story, but also because those words set me free at the time. So many people had said I should cure myself and I felt like a failure for not being able to.

That is the end of this story, and really I wanted to tell it to give context to the following:

I have started a new journal because, even though he won’t read my old journal anymore, I still felt like I was on stage, trying to perform, whenever I went back there. And that isn’t the type of journal I need right now. The type of journal I need write now might not be a story – it might be a daily repetition of one sentence “I feel sad and hopeless”. I wanted a space for that to be okay.

So here it goes.

I feel awful. Let’s start there. I ate a whole family bag of crisps and then followed it up with half a box of chocolates. I feel sick and bloated and uncomfortable. I don’t know why feeling horribly sad always results in me eating until I feel sick. I think it might be a subconscious punishment: good people don’t make their bodies unwell, forcibly, and you are not a good person.

I feel sorry for my body sometimes, being stuck with such a basket case soul. It is so kind to me and it tries to keep me alive, even when I don’t really want to be.

I am scared that I will feel nothing but that nausea and muddy exhaustion that comes from not being in a good place, forever. And thoughts endlessly spin around my head – ideas and thoughts on how to fix it, mixed with thoughts about how trying to fix it is part of the problem, around and around and around.

When I feel really sad, I go on Instagram to look at the lives of some of the girls I knew at school. At school they seemed to be so glamourous and have their lives together – perfect. They still do, and I go onto their profiles, morbidly, like picking a scab I know will bleed. I know, logically, that part of the appeal and the perfection, is because I don’t know them really well. Usually, at least, the glow someone has when they are perfect seems to fade, once you get to know them a bit better. And then it is all sad salads in plastic lunchboxes that just make everything taste of plastic, and standards that are exhaustingly high.

But still, they seem to have lives better than mine. But then maybe people would love to have my life?

I am not sure. I feel so lost today. Frumpy, nauseous, unloveable, tired, unattractive. You name it, I probably feel it.

I feel like I need to bathe my insides in salt water and lemon.

MW said that I exist in two states: taking in or putting out. That sounds like I am in a 1950s romcom and it is prom night, but he meant that sometimes I do nothing but eat stories. Normally when I am depressed. Other times I seem to want to draw all the time. Weirdly, they never happen at the same time and I always feel guilty, for either. When I draw, I worry I am not reading enough and when I read, I worry I haven’t wanted to draw in ages.

All I do is worry that something is wrong and that I am somehow failing some big cosmic test. Is that stupid? At the moment, the only thing that helps me feel human is delusion – I sit still and pretend hard that I am actually a happier, cooler version of myself, watch what she does and then try to emulate that a little bit. Sometimes it works, sometimes it feels all part of my unsustainable internal standard that I will never live up to.

Interestingly Mike Shinoda’s album came on, and he seems to sing about similar feelings

I am written out, for now, but I hope to write to soon.

[nightofnyx8]

Robstar Week Day 4: Fever

I tried my best to put a little twist on the theme, even if the story kind of ends the same. But I hope you enjoy nonetheless! 

______________________________________________

The sun was breaking quickly through the horizon, its steaming rays slipping into the small room where Dick slept. He could hear the robins chirping away happily, the smell of bacon wafting in from under the kitchen door of the trailer. Usually this kind of morning got him up and running, but he today he ducked his head under the covers.

He felt like he had been hit by a sledgehammer, feeling cold and hot all at the same time. His body burned under the thin quilt, yet his teeth chattered spontaneously. Maybe if he could just slip back into sleep he would feel better.

A sharp rapping at his door interrupted the quiet morning.

"Come on, Dick." The muffled voice called from behind. "Come eat your breakfast so we can get to practice."

Dick got up painfully and rubbed his eyes. Thoughts of the show that night ran dully through his head—there was no getting out of this one. He slowly dragged himself out of bed and shivered as he changed into his costume. Apparently he took too long because the rapping started again.

"Dick, sweetheart let's go!"

He suppressed a smile. He normally didn't listen to anyone giving him orders, but when his mother was involved, it was an entirely different story.

The Graysons ate a hurried breakfast and quickly headed over the main circus tent. The familiar musty scent filled the air, a mix of animals and old canvas rolled into one. Dick was greeted by Zitka, who immediately searched him for food with her trunk the moment she saw him.

"Not now, girl. I gotta go practice." He slipped her small handful of peanuts and trotted over to where his parents were waiting.

A few minutes later, he stood on top of the wooden platform, the ground looming far below him. Usually this sight didn't bother him, but today it made him feel woozy.

"You alright, sweetheart?" His mother reached over to him, but he shooed her away, knowing she would only worry.

"Yeah Mom, I'm fine." He took hold of the trapeze and swung himself forward, feeling the sensation of flight filling his whole body. The wind whistled though his ears and blew through his hair, and couldn't help wishing that he could never again be a victim to gravity.

He finally reached the opposite platform where his father was waiting and surged forward to stick a perfect landing, but his vision doubled before him. He landed quite clumsily, taking two wobbly steps before falling flat on his face.

"Dick!" He heard his father shout after him, running across the platform.

He could soon feel his mother holding him, his father's hand checking his temperature.

"He's got a fever, Mary." His father stated worriedly. "A high one."

"We've got to get him home as quickly as possible." She agreed, rising with Dick in her arms. "He's not performing tonight."

Dick woke up later, back in his bed and a stack of damp towels on top of his forehead. His mother fawned over him and wiped the sweat off his neck.

"Mom?"

"Hey sweetheart, how are you feeling?"

"Like I just got run over by Zitka."

His mother laughed. "You'll be alright after some rest, my little robin."

"Mom, don't call me that." He complained. "I already get laughed at for the costume."

She smiled, but turned serious as she ran her fingers through his sweaty hair.

"Dick, why didn't you tell us you were sick? You could have stayed in bed this morning."

He looked into his mother's eyes—a clear, sharp blue that pierced his conscience. He knew how hard she worked every day to run a circus, train as a professional acrobat, and raise a family all at the same time.

"I just didn't want to worry you. The show tonight was going to be really big, and you and Dad were always training and working to make sure the routine was perfect and—"

"Oh Dick." She kissed his clammy forehead. "That doesn't matter to me. You are much more important."

His face turned red as she hugged him, to which he responded, "Mom, you're smothering me again."

His mother laughed. "Alright, alright. Now get back to sleep before you get any worse." She pinched his cheek playfully and turned off the light.

"Sweet dreams, my little robin."

_____________________________________________________

Mom.

_____________________________________________________

He shot forward, his vision blurring before his eyes. He thought he heard a small "eep!" somewhere off to the side.

His surroundings came into focus after a few seconds. He was in his room, in the tower.

Oh yes, that's right.

She wasn't here anymore.

He looked over to see a figure sitting next to him, her green eyes unmistakably bright.

"Starfire?"

She looked quite startled, as she must have been close to him when he suddenly jerked awake. The damp towel she was using now lay discarded on the floor.

"Robin, are you alright?" she asked tentatively.

He blinked hard a couple times, trying to register the fact that his alien girlfriend was actually next to him. In his room.

"Yeah, I think so." He responded. "What, what happened? All I remember are the sirens going off."

Starfire bit her lip. "We were fighting Plasmus. But you became quite unstable and fell unconscious. We brought you here to your room to rest, and Cyborg commanded me to be here to assure that you 'stayed there' as he put it."

"Oh." He squinted in the fading light outside his window, realizing it was much brighter than usual. He reached up instinctively to his face, feeling for the mask. There was nothing there.

"I am sorry." Starfire pulled out his mask and placed it in his hands. "You looked to be in great pain, so I removed it."

Robin looked down at the mask in his hands. For years it had been somewhat of his first line of defense. A protection against vulnerability. Even though he and Starfire were dating, and the mask had come off for the first time a couple weeks back, he still felt unnatural without it.

But he placed it on the bedside table, not wanting to make Starfire feel bad. He turned and found her staring intently at him, her eyes conveying a thousand different emotions.

"Robin, you are certain you are alright? I believe there is something else that troubles you." She felt his forehead, and then slowly, hesitantly, reached for his face. He took her hand in caught it against his jaw, her touch unusually cool against his feverish skin.

"I'm alright, Star." He said quietly. "I promise."

She didn't look convinced, but resumed to cooling his neck with the towel. "Why did you not inform us that you were unwell this morning? Fighting Plasmus has only worsened your condition."

"Evil can't be ignored because I decide to get sick, Starfire. My health takes second to that."

Starfire frowned. "That is not true. Evil is not worth hurting yourself over. I was…truly worried for you"

Robin kicked back the covers and started to get out of bed. "I have to get back to work. Plasmus is still out there."

"Robin please, you must rest!" She insisted "For now, Plasmus does not matter. You are much more important."

He froze.

"What did you say?"

She blushed slightly. "Please just rest, Robin. You do not need to push yourself so hard."

He stood still, his mind trying to replay the events that had just unfolded. It had been a while since he had dreamed of his parents. In all the chaos of the Brotherhood of Evil and traveling to Tokyo, his nightmares had plenty more to focus on. Until now.

He didn't like people worrying about him. He wasn't worth all that fuss and effort. And he knew better than anyone that he wasn't exactly the easiest patient to care for, physically or emotionally. Plus, no one needed to waste their efforts on the poor little boy wonder with no parents.

But now she was right in front of him, her hand hovering above his chest to prevent him from going back to work. Her eyebrows creased with worry, her eyes begging him to rest. And then it clicked for Robin. She was there for him through the thick or thin, whether he liked it or not. He didn't need to close himself off from her.

Robin looked at her, as though seeing her for the first time. He took her face in his hands, trying to memorize every detail of her expression.

And then he was kissing her, feeling his heartbeat throb against his chest. He seemed to forget that he was running a high fever and the heat that rose to his cheeks was not helping one bit.

It was only until the fact registered in his mind that he was probably giving his own fever to his girlfriend that he broke the kiss. She looked up at him with a smile, but her eyes still screamed a thousand questions.

"I'm sorry." He said, relaxing back on the bed. "I just, well…"

She said nothing, only listening, as if trying to physically hold every word he said.

He smiled, pulling out a small family album from a compartment above his bed.

"Alright, I'm not getting up." He assured her, slipping the small album into her hands. "But I owe you an explanation. But first, there are a few people that I would like you to meet."

[aliceellablog]

Struck by lightning!

Oh Hi there!!

Wait... lemme just show you my current view...

TA- DAAAA!! Isn’t it beautiful!

So I’m writing this at my Mum’s place down in Sussex, and it’s looking like Spring has finally sprung!! Yes I am still wearing a jumper... and I have the little heater on (shhhh! don’t tell my mum!!) but soon it’s gonna be ‘suns out bums out’ and I can’t bloomin’ wait!!

So I left off last week saying how I was about to go and see Phil Parker - the creator of the ‘Lightning Process’.... well...I did... and it went pretty damn well!

On my way there I walked past a few shops I really wanted to pop into (Topshop, Zara, you know the drill) and I was sad about the fact I couldn’t go and have a lil’ looksie as I didn’t feel well enough and knew I had a train journey afterwards, and that I’d tire myself out, bla bla bla....but...

I saw Phil for an hour and we went over how to do the ‘process’ and I asked him all the questions I had as to why maybe it hadn’t been working for me for a while. I think a lot of it has to do with congruence and belief in what you are doing, and most importantly, DOING IT! (not IT... that would be weird) 

The Lightning Process is basically Neurolinguistic programming, and it’s been used by a lot of M.E / C.F.S. patients with a really high success rate. It’s all to do with your thought processes and pathways you have made, and releasing the wrong chemicals etc (kinda tricky to explain) the aim of the game being to change your pathways. 

Turns out my pathway was headed towards a giant ditch and I needed to turn myself the fuck around! So that’s what I have been working on all week!

Have I been doing it every day? YES

Has it been working? YES

Do I still have moments when I burst into tears and think it’s not working and life is over? YES

Do I think those moments will happen less and less? YES......(please god yes!!)

When I left the appointment I walked back past the shops I had longed to go into, and do you know what I thought? Fuck it. I’m going in!! I bought myself a little ring which I’ve worn every say since to remind me that there is hope and that I can do things I might sometimes think that I can’t.

I looked around the three shops and kept processing all the time! Then I did the train journey home with a soya hot chocolate. Nailed it :D

The next day I was determined to do something I wouldn’t usually do, or that I would have thought I’d not be well enough to do (within reason) so I headed to the beach and genuinely had a wonderful day :)

The sun was shining, I won a ‘My Little Pony’ at the arcade and although I fell asleep in the car on the way home, I’d had a good walk and was feeling super positive!

Oh and I’m also now officially the best photographer there has ever been.... ahem.....

The next day was a ‘rest day’ but that’s ok :) I’ve got to remember that I’m not instantly going to be fit and healthy. No matter what’s wrong with me and if this LP (Lightning Process) is the right thing for me or not, I haven’t been ‘active’ in the real sense of the word for a long time... I mean... I haven’t exercised in years and years so I’ve gotta build up slowly :)

Thursday was pretty damn awesome actually! I had confirmation that this album deal I’d been offered is going to go ahead! I’ll be working with Jake and Andy at ‘Silence and Air’ on a 10 track album for movie trailers. They are the guys I did the Mac Donald’s advert etc. with so they are well connected and really good guys!

They have already started production on a few songs I’ve written already, and so my job is to write a bunch more songs in that style. 

I ended up writing a song called ‘Broken’ which is an empowering ballad. It includes the lines, 

‘Let me, fight for my honour,

Watch me, watch me get stronger,

I need, I need to go harder,

I’ll bleed, bleed through my armour’ 

With the hook line      ‘I’m not broken’

I wrote and recorded the song at home and can’t wait for Jake and Andy to add some epic production to it!!! Eeeeek :)

So, as I told ya, I’m writing this blog at my Mum’s- I’ve been here for the last three days having some proper quality mother daughter time....well it was Mother’s Day after all!!

We had a lovely day on the Saturday, and caught up on everything, although I say caught up.... I talk to her on the phone every day!! She is genuinely my best friend... is that sad?? loool... don’t worry... I have like actual friends too!!...well.. a few ;) ;)

So yes, catch ups and a nice chilled evening, and then last night I cooked her a roast!! Prepare to have your taste buds moistened.... eugh... what a word!!!

While I was cooking I was feeling bloody knackered, not gonna lie! I really wanted to cook for my mum (for once!!) and as I was chopping the veg I was having to process every few minutes..... and it wasn’t really ‘working’. 

I finished cooking and we ate the meal which was actually aiiite!!! And then had a nice eve with a bit of 8 out of 10 cats pon d tele! It was lovely but I could feel a break down approaching!! Argh!!! 

I kept processing but then got into a bit of a MEH stage. I gave up... OOOOPS!!!

I’ve been reading about the process as much as I can and apparently one of the most common things people do is they have a bad hour, day, or few days and they do exactly what I did... which is to think ‘This isn’t working, I’m so ill, I can’t do this, my life is over’.... the usual ;) - But by doing that they dismiss all the great things they’ve done!! Even though I was knackered, I should have still been thinking ‘I cooked a roast dinner for my mum! I travelled down to Sussex! I had an awesome day at the beach! I wrote and recorded a song that I am super proud of for a job!’ but all I was thinking was the rubbish stuff.

So I went to bed, had a cry, and eventually fell asleep. 

That brings me to today! I woke up feeling ok-ish and more determined again to get back on the lightning process horse!  

POW!! There’s an image for ya!!! 

I’m still struggling a bit today but this little (massive) one has cheered me up! - Another reason I love coming home :)

Have I mentioned that I’m a crazy cat lady? Well.... yea.... cats = <3 :)

Ollie (he’s the one in the picture) is a great big fat affectionate fur ball and I love him to pieces! He plays fetch with my hair ties (and nothing else, what’s that about?) and cuddles me to sleep whenever I stay! And Casper was the cat of all cats! 

Isn’t he booooootiful :) I got Cas when I was 10 and he was pretty much on my bed every day throughout my really bad M.E. days, well, years. He really made a huge difference to the long lonely days stuck in bed- I remember him laying next to me purring while I took my GCSE’s and he’d always be there when the DR’s came round - I think he was sort of protecting me. Man I miss him so freakin’ much! I ended up getting his actual paw print tattoo’d on my ankle when I knew he was really unwell- now I have him with me everywhere I go :) CUUUTE ;)

Well I think that’s me for another week! I am going to keep processing and hopefully when I write again in another week I will be even stronger, better and I will have had a positive week! Time will tell!!

Please get in touch if you’ve stumbled across this post, I’m on all the social media stuff far too much so gimme a shout :) 

Love and strength xxx