#they are the secret third thing ur honor

[shiraoyagi]

random take before i go sleep

anhane and akitouya arguably have more queerplatonic coding than romantic coding in canon

ok that's all

[jonathanbiers]

ur gifs are like nfts but on the honor system instead of fucked up cryptocoins haha

thanks or i’m sorry you feel that way or some secret third thing

[everseeking]

hi!! i just got done reading ur dating headcannon for armin and was wondering if you could do the same for levi? thank u <3

- hello !! thank you so much for requesting i appreciate it a ton ! i’m so glad you asked for levi, i’ve been waiting to do his headcanons. hope i can do the little big man justice :)

levi ackerman dating headcanons

- levi ackerman x reader

- this man cares about you SO much

- a lot of people are kind of scared of the infamous captain, but you get to see the real him

- he doesn't drastically change around you or anything. he still makes is awful jokes about shit and butts of course, but you find him to be endearing

- despite his busy schedule, his mind is always filled with thoughts of you

- he also makes sure to spend as much time with you as he can

- before you've permanently moved into his cabin, you definitely sneak into his room a lot

- when he hears your "special knock," as you call it, he rolls his eyes and walks over to let you in

- he's just being dramatic btw. he's been expecting you all night and wants nothing more than your presence

- during your waking hours, you're often times the one to initiate cuddles

- he tells you that he's supposed to meet with erwin but as he's walking by you to leave, you grab his arm and pull him onto you in the small sofa in his quarters

- he complains for a moment that he has somewhere to be, but he makes no efforts to get off of you

- if anything, he relaxes himself, letting the side of his head lay against your chest as he listens to your heartbeat, as well sneaking his arms underneath you so he can hold your torso

- this, combined with your fingers running through his hair, is enough to make him even forget who the commander was

- however, when it's time to go to sleep, he's the one to initiate cuddles

- he pulls you close to him and places his hand in your hair so he can hold your head close to him while the other arm wraps around your waist

- he loves holding you

- when he's not resting his head on your chest while you're holding each other, he likes to have you lower than him so he can rest his chin on the top of your head

- occasionally after a rough day (for him or you) he lets you hold him, but he prefers to hold you (although he can't deny that he feels a new sense of safety in your arms)

- alright now grab your favorite drink and meet him for tea time right now

- you can bring whatever beverage you’d like, but you need to take a moment to have a drink with him

- you learn how to brew his tea just the way he likes it

- this was the moment when he knew you were the one

- kidding, but he really appreciates this

- he learns how to help you with your favorite drink, whether it’s squeezing fruits for fresh juice, brewing the perfect cup of coffee, preparing you your own cup of tea, or even knowing your ideal temperature for a glass of water

- your relationship is founded on trust

- he's had some issues in the past, but the fact that he is able to trust you completely let's him know that you're his soulmate

- speaking of his past, you're also one of the few people he can open up to about that

- although your heart breaks with every word, you still listen deeply and offer him your unconditional love and support

- he of course does the same for you, no matter what kind of past you had

- he doesn't care about your height. like, at all.

- you could be a foot shorter than him, the same height, or two feet taller and he wouldn't care. he loves you for you

- the only time he gets insecure around you is when he sees how easily you're able to get along with everyone else

- it's not that he's jealous of anyone close to you, rather, he sees how much everyone loves you and wonders how that feels

- after seeing him a bit down, you pry into him and try to figure out what's wrong. after he hesitantly explains, you sigh and smile

- you assure him that he's perfect just the way he is and more people love him than he realizes

- something clicks in him and he realizes that he's happy with the way things are. after being reminded of how respected he is and how much people look up to him, he feels much better

- and it's all thanks to you

- not exactly the biggest on pda

- your relationship is kept somewhat of a secret for multiple reasons

- one being that this isn't exactly the time or place for lovey dovey relationship

- and two being that you don't need to announce your relationship to the world in order to be happy

- of course, once word gets out, everyone thinks you guys are super cute together and their respect and love for both of you grows even more

- everyone wonders how you got THE captain levi to open up enough, but they're extremely grateful that you did

- his demeanor doesn't change a ton now that the two of you are together, but it's clear that something is different about him

- a levi smile is rare, but since he met you, he's smiled more than he has in his entire life

- hanji teases both of you a lot, but thanks you for everything you've done for her friend

- she also likes to call herself you guys' third wheel

- it makes levi cringe when she calls herself that, but you think it's funny and tell him to lighten up

- you also have to tell him to go easy on eren a lot

- it may be a little funny watch him flinch when levi walks in the room, but you don't want him to traumatize the poor boy

- you also point out mikasa's evil eyes that fall on him when he does something to eren, reminding levi of her feelings for him which occasionally makes him lay off, but usually he doesn't care

- levi can be quite apathetic when it comes to hearing what others have to say, but you're the one exception

- he loves hearing you talk. getting a peak inside your beautiful mind, carried by your voice that he adores is pure serotonin for him

- on missions he's often warning you to be careful

- even if you aren't the reckless type, he always warns you before anything to watch yourself

- he doesn't really protect you because he knows you're capable of handling yourself, but if anything were to happen, he'd be the first one there

- after mission snuggles are an absolute must, of course

- when the long days are finally over, the comfort of each other's arms make it all worth it

- you feel honored to say that humanity's strongest soldier spends his nights in your arms

- (he thinks that's a bit cliché but you don't care. you love him way too much to not be prideful about it)

[maxwell-grant]

So that ask about a Doc Savage/The Shadow crossover (which as an aside, I agree that Doc is probably the worst of the archetype he is functionally the Ur-Example of that isn’t an intentional deconstruction focusing on his worst eugenicist/borderline-fascist aspects to create a villain) has me thinking: what exactly would be the boundaries for a good, well-written crossover between the Shadow and different genres or eras of what we all collectively call pulp? Could someone do a crossover between the Shadow and Indiana Jones that didn’t rely on one or the other being little more than a glorified cameo in a small portion of what was essentially the other’s story, or reducing the former to his lamest two-dimensional “gun-toting homicidal maniac” interpretations? Could the Shadow ever functionally exist in a universe shared with a space opera setting like the Lensman series? It seems like one could theoretically do a crossover between the Shadow and a character of the same era like Nero Wolfe or Sam Spade, but would it strain credulity to attempt it with characters from an updated form of the private detective archetype like Thomas Magnum’s Hawaiian noir or Rick Deckard’s cyberpunk dystopia? Obviously not expecting answers to each of these hypotheticals specifically, just as examples of the kind of thing I’m wondering now.

I will be going through some of your hypotheticals though, you clearly gave a lot of thought to this and it's only fair I respond in turn. I am always eager to respond anyone who wants to ask specifics about writing The Shadow, because much of what I strive to do through this blog is to just inform people about the many, many things that made The Shadow great, the things that have been neglected, and to provide paths anyone who wishes to write the character may take. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to write The Shadow someday, but the least I can do is spread knowledge as I work my way there. I'd like to think I've done allright so far.

It's a fairly big question though so we're gonna through it by pieces...

...not THAT way

what exactly would be the boundaries for a good, well-written crossover between the Shadow and different genres or eras of what we all collectively call pulp?

Part of the reason why I did a post yesterday on The Shadow's influences is because looking at them, looking at a character's influences and history, I think are always essential to the prospect of tackling them. And in that regard, The Shadow doesn't actually have much, if any, boundaries stopping him from crossing over with just about anything. The most that's stopping the pulp heroes currently is, besides legal issues, their time periods and obscurity, but The Shadow is the most famous of them all, and a lot of stories have already worked with the idea that he's immortal (which I have my misgivings with, but for better or worse is clearly not going anywhere, and it's not a unworkable concept).

Right from the start, The Shadow was designed to be a long-running, versatile character that could partake in whatever adventures they felt like telling, and part of this is due not just to an incredibly strong personality not afforded to most pulp heroes or characters in general, even those who tried imitating him, but also the fact that he often takes a narrative backseat to the agents and proxy heroes, which means he doesn't have to carry a narrative by his own (and is in fact best suited not to), can blend in to just about anyone's story, and still stand out and be the center of sprawling mysteries. Actually, I'm gonna let Walter Gibson answer this one for you:

While his major missions were to stamp out mobs or smash spy rings, he often tabled such routines in order to find a missing heir, uncover buried treasure, banish a ghost from a haunted house or oust a dictator from a mythical republic.

There was no limitation to the story themes as long as they came within the standards of credibility--which proved easy, since The Shadow was such an incredible character in his own right that almost anything he encountered was accepted by his ardent followers.

Widespread surveys taken while the magazine was appearing monthly showed that a large majority of newsstands sold nearly all their copies within the first two weeks of issue. While other character magazines might show an early flurry, their sales were either spread evenly over the entire period or gained their impetus about the middle of the mouth and sometimes not until the third or even the fourth week.

From the writing standpoint, this made it advisable to adhere more closely to the Cranston guise and to emphasize the parts played by The Shadow's well-established agents, since regular readers evidently liked them. Also, it meant "keeping ahead" of those regulars, with new surprises, double twists in "whodunit" plots, and most exacting of all a succession of villains who necessarily grew mightier and more monstrous as The Shadow disposed of their predecessors.

Always, his traits and purposes were defined through the observations and reactions of persons with whom he came in contact, which meant that the reader formed his opinion from theirs.

This gave The Shadow a marked advantage over mystery characters forced to maintain fixed patterns and made it easy to write about him. There was never need for lengthy debate regarding what The Shadow should do next, or what course he should follow to keep in character. He could meet any exigency on the spur of the moment, and if he suddenly acted in a manner opposed to his usual custom, it could always be explained later.

The Shadow’s very versatility opened a vast vista of story prospects from the start of the series onward. In the earlier stories, he was described as a “phantom,” an “avenger,”, and a “superman,” so he could play any such parts and still be quite in character. In fact, all three of those terms were borrowed by other writers to serve as titles for other characters.

Almost any situation involving crime could be adapted to The Shadow’s purposes

The final rule was this: put The Shadow anywhere, in any locale, among friends or associates, even in a place of absolute security, and almost immediately crime, menace or mystery would begin to swirl about him, either threatening him personally or gathering him in its vortex to carry him off to fields where antagonists awaited.

That was his forte throughout all his adventures. Always, his escapes were worked out beforehand, so that they would never exceed the bounds of plausibility when detailed in narrative form. And that was the great secret of The Shadow.”

In some regards, The Shadow is a mirror. He presents himself to people the way that's best suited to them, the way they'd like him to be, the way he needs to be to affect them. They want money, he has it. They want honor, glory and purpose, he gives them that. They want to fight and turn around social systems for the better, he funds their dreams. Gangsters want the underworld's greatest hitman on their side, he becomes that and lets it be their doom. The story calls for a rich aristocrat who can rub elbows with politicians and kings and presidents, he can do that as long as it suits him. Kent Allard can be a world famous celebrity in one story and a disfigured, broke and faceless nobody in the next. You want a kind janitor with unexpected fighting skill to spy on police and assist the homeless, he has a little someone named Fritz for the occasion. You want an evil monster to be defeated, bring out Ying Ko. Hell, James Patterson's upcoming Shadow novel, which by all reviews seems to be pretty lousy, apparently features The Shadow transforming into a cat. Why? Screw you, that's why! But you'd never see James Bond or Batman spontaneously transforming into a cat without outside interference. He's The Shadow, he's got a face for everything.

(Okay to be clear I don't actually want the Shadow to literally transform into animals, at least not without a good explanation which the book clearly doesn't provide, but I do think it illustrates my point about how generally weird he is)

He is a shapeshifter who can be just about any character in any given narrative who only reveals himself when it's time to materialize into a cloaked terror or a familiar face (whether it's Cranston or Allard or Arnaud and so on). War stories, romance stories, sci-fi stories, globetrotting stories, parody stories, he's done all of them and then some. He doesn't need to be the protagonist of a story, he doesn't need to be invincible, and he doesn't really have any set rules regarding powerset. Gibson stressed credibility a lot, but for over 70 years now, that's clearly gone by the window of the character's writing. By design, he was always meant to be able to smoothly integrate into any existing narrative. Frankly, the only thing that's really holding him back (or saving him, depending on how you look at it) is the fact that he's not public domain (yet).

I think for a start, it's not so much boundaries, because in make believe land boundaries are just things to be overcome on the way to telling a story, so much as it's a good working knowledge of the character and of how far you are willing to stretch your storytelling limitations to include him, because he can account for just about all of them. Now, obviously there's stuff that works for the character better than others, a lot of Shadow fans don't like it when they take the character too much into fantasy, there's debates on how superpowered should he be if at all, and so forth. I have my own preferences, but one of the bigger tests of long-running characters is how can they succeed and thrive when placed outside of their element, and The Shadow can do that.

Could someone do a crossover between the Shadow and Indiana Jones that didn’t rely on one or the other being little more than a glorified cameo in a small portion of what was essentially the other’s story, or reducing the former to his lamest two-dimensional “gun-toting homicidal maniac” interpretations?

would it strain credulity to attempt it with characters from an updated form of the private detective archetype like Thomas Magnum’s Hawaiian noir

Well regarding the first question, the latter portion I think is very easy to do. Just, don't write him like that. Just be aware of why that's a mischaracterization, why the character doesn't need that to work, why he works better without it, and so on. It shouldn't be that hard.

Regarding Indiana Jones and Thomas Magnum, I think these two actually lend themselves very easily to crossovers with The Shadow. On Indy's case, he already is a Pulp Hero operating in the same time period, who's got a heavily contrasting niche and personality to build a fun dynamic around. Indy is more story-driven, in the sense that the Indiana Jones moves are all centered around his experiences and point of view and growth as a person, compared to The Shadow's stories, which are not really about "his" story as much as they are about the stories of the people he comes in contact with. Indy is a blockbuster superstar while The Shadow lurks and slithers through the edges and cracks of a story until it's time to strike. But if anything that just makes even more of a case as to why they could team up without issue, since there's a further built-in complimentary contrast to work with.

I have never watched Magnum P.I so there's definitely stuff I might be missing, but looking him up, past the necessary explanation as to why The Shadow's hanging around the 80s, it wouldn't strain credulity at all for the two to team up. The Shadow has had Caribbean/beach-themed adventures and one unrecorded adventure in Honolulu, he has a beach bum secret identity called Portuguese Joe that he could use for this occasion, and Magnum seems like exactly the kind of character who could star as the proxy hero of a Shadow novel. He's lively and friendly and can look after himself, he has a job that leads him to trouble and puts him on contact with criminals as well as victims, he's got secrets and a dark past and a laundry list of character flaws, he's perfectly capable of carrying a story by himself but can be out of his depth in the schemes that he gets caught up in.

Could the Shadow ever functionally exist in a universe shared with a space opera setting like the Lensman series? Or Rick Deckard’s cyberpunk dystopia?

I'm going to tackle parts of this question more throughly when I answer one in my query that's asking me "How would you do The Shadow in modern day?", which I still haven't gotten around to answering because it's a tricky one. I won't go into the specifics for the two examples you listed because I've never read the Lensman books and googling about them hasn't helped much very much, and Deckard's a fairly standard P.I character mostly elevated by the movie he's in, there's not really much to discuss regarding him specifically interacting with The Shadow. The question you're asking me here seems to generally be: Could The Shadow functionally exist in settings so radically apart from the 30s Depression era he was made for?

My answer for this is a maybe leaning towards yes. Starting with the fact that the concept of The Shadow is more suited for allegorical fantasy along the lines of space operas and cyberpunk, than the gritty realism he's been saddled with for decades, which I'll get into another time. For some reason, a lot of people seem to harp on about how the Shadow's costume is impractical and unworkable for modern times, and said James Patterson novel mentioned above ditched it all together, which as you can guess was a massively unpopular decision. Matt Wagner talked once about how cities don't have shadows and men wearing hats anymore and that's part of why you can't have The Shadow in modern times (as if The Shadow was always supposed to be dressing like an average guy, and not cowboy Dracula). But nobody seems to have a problem with characters dressing up exactly like The Shadow showing up all the time in dystopian future cities with fashion senses where they stick out like a sore thumb (and really, they should stick out, otherwise what's the point of being all weird and dark and mysterious?)

Although The Shadow is specifically suited for urban settings, is conceptually rooted in 1930s America, and there are important facets of his characterization related to history like the Great War, there are not the be-all end-all of The Shadow. It's part of the character. Other parts integral to the character are, as mentioned above, the versatility and metamorphous nature he was always intended to have. His nature as a character who exists to thrive in narratives not about him and not centered around him. His roots on Dracula and King Arthur and Oz and Lupin which are concepts that have had so, so many drastical revisions and turnabouts that still stuck to the basic principles of the icon.

Besides, The Shadow's already been there. He's already been to space, he's already been in alternate dimensions, he's already reawakened in modern/future times several times now (when he doesn't just live to them unchanged). He's been a cyborg twice, and between those, El Sombra, Vendata, X-9, the Shadow-referencing robot henchmen from Bob Morane and Yu-Gi-Oh's Jinzo referencing the movie's bridge scene, it's enough to constitute a weird pattern of The Shadow and Shadow-adjacent characters turning into robots. Perhaps one positive side effect of The Shadow's decades-long submersion in fantasy is that it's opened the character for just about anything, and I think this could be a good thing if it was married to an adherence to the things that made him such a juggernaut of an icon in the 30s and 40s.

Really, The Shadow partially works on Predator rules. And by that I mean, the big secret of the Predator that filmmakers don't seem to get is that the best way to make a Predator film is to just put the Predator somewhere he's not supposed to be, and let that play out. Because the Predator is, by design, a trespasser who invades narratives and turns the power dynamics around, and that works for any narrative you put it into.

The first movie is all about setting you up for a jungle action movie with Schwarzenegger's Sexual Tyrannosaurus Crew as the biggest baddest death squad around, only for the Predator to appear, turn the tables on these shitheads and pick them off one by one until Arnie scrapes a victory by beating it at it's own game. The 2nd movie is about a drug war between cops and gangs in L.A, until the Predator shows up and suddenly he's the big problem again that's gotta be put down. All the other movies fail because they try to be "about" the Predator, but the Predator doesn't work that way. He's a ugly motherfucker who's here to fight and kill things in cool ways for the sake of it's warrior game, who already has a specific structure to how his story's meant to play out, and that's all he needs to be. What you do is just take that character, take the structure he carries around, and throw it somewhere that works by different rules, and let the contrast play out the story.

Obviously there's a lot more to The Shadow than this, I write a billion essays on the guy after all, but much of what makes The Shadow work, much of what made The Shadow such an icon at the decade of his debut and such an interesting character to revolve any kinds of stories around, was because of the great contrast he posed to everything surrounding him, and the ways he can both be at the forefront as well as the backseat of any story.

Going back to what Gibson said:

Almost any situation involving crime could be adapted to The Shadow’s purposes. He could meet any exigency on the spur of the moment, and if he suddenly acted in a manner opposed to his usual custom, it could always be explained later.

The Shadow was such an incredible character in his own right that almost anything he encountered was accepted by his ardent followers.

advisable to emphasize the parts played by The Shadow's well-established agents, since regular readers evidently liked them.

The keyword here isn't that the Shadow should be realistic, frankly that's always been a lost cause. He was never really that realistic, and it's unfair to expect writers to keep pace with Gibson who had lifelong experience with the in and outs of magic and daring escapes and whatnot. The keywords I want to stress here is "accepted by his ardent followers".

Make a good explanation, an explanation that fits the character, an explanation that works, and the rest will follow. And if you can't, make us like the character. Make us accept that he can do and be all these things. Give us something to be invested in. And if that can't be The Shadow himself because he has to stay at arms length constantly to be mysterious, Gibson cracked the code almost a century ago through the agents. Make us invested in them, and through them, we will become invested in The Shadow.

The pulp Shadow would get tired, get injured, need rescuing, need to stop and rest and catch his breath, would need to think and plan and make split decisions on the spot and sometimes would make the wrong ones only to reverse them in the nick of time, and it made the fact that he was achieving all these things all the more impressive. The pulp Shadow was a creature of fantasy grounded in the history of the world he was a part of.

If you can make people care about The Shadow, be truly, genuinely invested in him and his world and the people he comes in contact with, be as invested in those as audiences were back then, you can and maybe should put him anywhere, doing anything, as long as you know what you're doing. As long as you understand what makes The Shadow tick, what makes him work and what doesn't, and whatnot.

Which is a lot of words for "do whatever you want, just don't fuck it up"

[ivcsisms]

       - ̗̀ NOW INTRODUCING: IVES ❝ IVY ❞ SERRANO !

new york’s very own ives “ivy” serrano was spotted on broadway street in ysl opyum sandals . your resemblance to danna paola is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your twenty third birthday bash . while living in nyc ,  you’ve been labeled as being cantankerous , but also effervescent. i guess being a scorpio explains that . 3 things that would paint a better picture of you would be red satin lingerie, a fresh set of stiletto nails, and designer drugs tucked into designer bags.

♡ — › 𝐛𝐢𝐨𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐡𝐲 / 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬 & 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 & 𝐦𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 & 𝐚𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐡𝐞��𝐢𝐜 

helllo hello hello, i’m tay and this is my demon child ivy ! she’s literally a nightmare i am .. so sorry. anyway here’s some random, rambly facts abt her: 

ok first things first, she’s LYING ur honor !! everything she says is a lie, and i literally mean everything. her real name isn’t even ives, it’s natalie, but anyone who knows her by that name has been heavily paid off or forced to sign an nda 

as far as anyone knows, she’s ur average trust fund baby, but she actually grew up entirely poor, working as soon as she was legally allowed to save up money and escape that life. she always felt like she was destined to be rich, that she deserved that life for some reason, and she would stop at nothing to get there 

she started stripping literally the day after her 18th birthday, and as soon as she realized how easy it was to manipulate old men into giving her money and supporting the lifestyle she wanted, it was over for them & their wallets ( it’s not a secret that she was a stripper she’s loud & proud about that, it’s the scamming / sugar babying that no one knows about ) 

she started posting on instagram under her stage name, poison ivy, a few years later, carefully crafting her online image and tricking people into thinking she was a spoiled rich bitch named ives, but now she’s in so deep she doesn’t even respond to her real name, On All Levels Except Physical she is a rich bitch named ives 

ofc she bought followers at first to boost herself, but then she actually took off as an influencer/instagram model, and now she basically coasts off brand deals ( and ofc still sugar daddies ) to keep up the charade, and she’s pretty much faked it until she made it into an easy life. like she’s definitely well off, but she couldn’t afford all of the luxury items/her apartment/vacations/etc without still scamming 

she also steals from and scams her rich friends a lot, but she’s gotten so good at being sneaky and lying that ppl rarely suspect her, and she has a good excuse/lie when they do 

also beware she is definitely the type of fake bitch that is nice to ur face but then tells ur secrets/rumors or whatever to tabloids for the money or will like be shady towards u to make news on drama sites or whatever idk she just likes to be in the middle of drama bc she knows its an easy way to get her name out there and get more followers n shit

anyway she’s a huuuge party animal, she can pretty much be found at some exclusive club or event or party every night of the week, and she’s never met a drug she didn’t like so if ur looking for a good time bling her line, just don’t be surprised if she ends up picking a fight with someone, or causing some sort of scene, or getting kicked out for smoking weed in the club, or something stupid idk she’s chaotic ok !! 

she will do just about anything to cause a scandal or get people talking about her, she lives on the attention ... literally ( this is a not-so-subtle hint to give me fake pr relationships or fake fights/drama ok ) 

ok im sure i could go on forever but i have to go to work RIP so basically just don’t trust this bitch !! everything she says is a lie nd she will do anything to make people like her or to get money or attention. ig drop a like on this post if u wanna plot or do a thread or smth and i will come bug u when i get off work in a few hours !! 

[hermaeusmorasuggestion]

How do your most devout followers usually honor/serve you?

aka Herma-Mora/Hermorah/Hœrmius/Hormaius/Hyrma Mora/Herm’us Mora/Herman Morning/Hermeneutics Moray/Hermes Moral

Epithets:

Golden Eye / Great Eye

Scryer

Woodland Man/Mer/Seer

Old Antecedent

Ur-Daedra

the One Who Knows

Watcher

Lord of Secrets

Tide-King

Who Holds the Paper To the Light

Abyssal Cephaliarch

NOT “Light of Knowledge” or “Father of Mysteries”!!! Fitting though they may be, please do not try to summon It under these titles. It will be very awkward for everyone, especially past the Third Era.

Colours: Black, green, gold

Summoning Day: 5th of First Seed (March)

Domains: Knowledge, memory, and the unknown; physically, the seas and the forests (but don’t despair if you’re stuck in a desert—people have made that work, too)

“Please help, I…”

want to do well on a scholarly venture

want to learn more about a specific thing

want to learn more about Everything

want to actually remember the things I learn

want to forget something I have learned

Offerings: Ink, books, journals. Trinkets you find fascinating, especially if they’re of Dwemeri origin. If you happen to collect gems and such, then moldavite, green aventurine, yellow apatite, and green sapphire are good ones. And—of course, most prized of all—knowledge.

Step one of worshipping Hermaeus Mora is easy: go out and learn things! Compared to what first steps other Princes might require (hunting down dangerous beasts, breaking into highly guarded estates, murdering dozens of people in cold blood, public nudity, etc), this makes following the Old Antecedent highly accessible—you already have the muscle memory from doing it every day. You just need the push of intent.

Step two is to offer your knowledge! If you want to share it with others first instead of offering it directly, that’s fine, It’s patient (another draw! You know how many Daedric Princes throw tantrums if you ignore them for two seconds? So many. Hermaeus Mora does not mind if you leave It on read). 

Also, between you and me, creations made in Its name are like a Daedric Prince Approval Yahtzee.

Now, some folks like to have really complicated rituals for this (candles, incense, symbolic sacrifice of body parts, etc), which is wonderful! Each entity does it a little differently and It wouldn’t have it any other way. The barebones, though, is:

Direct your thoughts towards It. It will hear so long as you want It to.

After drawing Its eye to you, continue with one or several of the following:

Tell It what you’ve learned!*

Tell it what you want to learn!**

If you there’s anything else you want, ask.***

Example invocation (more on the dramatic side): “Hermaeus Mora, hearken to the plea of this unworthy, for I come to barter for knowledge denied. That which I seek is named on this parchment, which I consume in your honor, O Demon of Knowledge. For my desire to know is beyond reckoning, and in recompense, whatever price is named shall be met.”

That’s all! May your eyes be bright and your mind ever-hungry, and remember to have fun!

* There’s nothing It won’t bear witness to. The Golden Eye has beheld some of the most crass and cruel and brilliant and beautiful thoughts and acts and creations mortality has come up with. While—I must stress—It is not a replacement for a good therapist, It is called the Lord of Secrets for a reason; It tends to find them particularly enticing treats, too, if you want something in return.

** Knowledge or assistance requested might not come directly from the Golden Eye Itself. Alternate possible proxies include entities like myself, other Seekers like yourself, the world at large, or the Internet (It really likes using this method as of late).

*** If your desire is something like unlimited “power” or like, the ability to change into a wolf or a really deadly sword or something, we can try to make it work but you might want to look elsewhere.

[tonal-modulator]

Meet the OC: Ildari Llothri

Role: Nerevarine, Hero of Kvatch

Race: Dunmer

Born: 13 Rain's Hand (The Mage) 3E 400 (26-27 at the time of Morrowind) (Note: 13th of Rain's hand is the Day of the Dead, at least in Daggerfall. From UESP: "The superstitious say that the dead rise on this holiday to wreak vengeance on the living.")

Class: Artificer (primarily an enchanter; officially a stealth focus, with strong magic influence)

(This bio was written before she defeated Dagoth Ur. I still have to take her through the Tribunal DLC, but I already started her Oblivion campaign because I have no patience and I’m just playing on the assumption that she has already done the Tribunal stuff by the time she gets back to Cyrodiil.)

Ildari was born in the Imperial City to Telvanni mages from Vvardenfell who had come to Cyrodiil in 3E 397 at the suggestion of their friend and former mentor. Said friend had made the trip a few years earlier in the hopes of broadening her horizons beyond the insular and at times old-fashioned Telvanni style of magic. While she had planned to spend a year at most in Cyrodiil, she found that there was much more to learn than she had expected, and ended up extending her stay indefinitely. Ildari's parents had just gotten married and were excited to start their lives together. As much as they loved Morrowind, they were also at times unsatisfied with their House's resistance to progress, and they were worried that it might not be the best place to raise kids if they should have any, because of the growing Blight and the way the Tribunal seemed to be growing weaker and less able to protect the people, and so they took their mentor's advice and moved to Cyrodiil.

They disappeared shortly after Ildari was born in 3E 400. The circumstances surrounding their disappearance were somewhat murky, at least to Ildari. No one seemed quite sure if they were arrested or killed—or, if they did know, they wouldn't tell her—only that it had to do with alleged "anti-Imperial activities." But from what Ildari could gather, while her parents may have had no love for the Empire, the accusations were unjust and based on stereotypes of Vvardenfell Dunmer (particularly Telvanni).

Her parents' friend who had invited them to Cyrodiil ended up raising Ildari as though she were her own child, and Ildari came to know her as her mother. She made sure Ildari received a good education with strong magical training, which was not difficult in the Imperial City, and that she had plenty of room to explore her interests.

But Ildari was at times concerned because of how little she knew of her own background. She had never been to Morrowind or seen its legendary mushroom towers. She spoke Dunmeris only on occasion and often substituted in Aldmeris words or constructions by accident. Although she (thankfully) wasn't so disconnected as to be raised to worship the Nine, she also had only a vague familiarity with the Tribunal from the occasional passing mention, often in the form of a malediction, and she likewise made no strong distinction between "good" and "bad" Daedra, instead being wary of all Daedra and believing it best to stay away from them altogether. She knew next to nothing about her biological parents; her mother preferred not to talk about them, claiming that to do so might attract unwanted attention. Ildari assumed that the preference really came more from her mother's deep sense of guilt for convincing her friends to come to Cyrodiil in the first place, but the concerns about attracting attention were also probably valid, and Ildari was definitely not going to push. After all, her mother had knowingly taken in the child of alleged enemies of the state, to whom she had close ties. They were most likely already under more scrutiny than they cared to imagine.

Ildari found that magic suited her interests well, although she also had a somewhat odd talent for influencing people. She wasn't even particularly comfortable talking to people, but they seemed willing to agree with her and follow her suggestions or requests to a degree that some found suspicious. In reality, she even found it a little unsettling herself. So she spent most of her time away from people, which suited her perfectly well, as it allowed her to pursue her interests in peace.

Then one day, a local mage was killed. Ildari didn't know him well; he studied at the Arcane University, and she had met him once or twice in passing, but they had never even had an actual conversation. Unfortunate as it was, everyone expected it to blow over quickly, until it became known that he was actually a Blades agent. Then the rumors began to fly, and Ildari, with her persuasive (now being called "manipulative") ways and traitor parents, found herself at the center of the suspicion.

Of course, she had no strong alibi, as she spent most of her time away from anyone who could vouch for her, and before she knew it, she was sitting in a cell in the Imperial City Prison. Then, a few months later, she was on a boat to the East, to Morrowind...

Naturally, she had no desire to work with the Empire on whatever it was that they were planning for her, and so when a mer waiting outside the Census and Excise office offered her an alternative, she was quick to take advantage of the opportunity. It also didn't hurt that the interested party was a Telvanni Master, as she figured this would be a good opportunity to finally get formally enrolled in the House she was born into.

She also joined the Tribunal Temple shortly after she arrived in Morrowind, mostly because she wanted to learn more about this land of her ancestors, and frankly, because she wanted to fit in. But she found herself more interested than she had expected in the history of the Tribunal, with almost a vague familiarity, as though she should know everything about them even before their apotheosis. It was a similar feeling that accompanied the nightmares she would occasionally have about the man in the golden mask (who she eventually learned was the evil immortal enemy of the Tribunal, Dagoth Ur).

Ildari didn't know what to think when she learned about the Nerevarine prophecies, much less that she supposedly might have the look of fulfilling them. Her skepticism was only alleviated somewhat by the third trial, when Azura spoke to her and called her the Nerevarine, and she was able to put on Moon-and-Star without dying. But even then, she remained uncertain, as it wasn't exactly easy or ethical to "prove" that the ring would kill everyone else.

Her meeting with Vivec was the turning point. The moment she saw hir floating there in the temple, the memories came flooding back with such intensity that she couldn't even see or feel her surroundings—Vehk had to come down from hir floaty perch and support her to keep her from falling. All at once, she was remembering her life as Nerevar, and her lives as all of the Incarnates before her (at least, the ones who were actually failed Incarnates, not just random people who had claimed to be them). She remembered Vivec, really remembered hir from her first life, and Almalexia—her wife, how could she have forgotten her wife?—and Sotha Sil, and Voryn Dagoth, and how much she loved them. She remembered the Tribunal's broken oath, how she had hoped beyond hope that their honor and their love for her would be strong enough to resist the pull of the profane tools, and how they may as well have smashed her heart with Sunder for how much it hurt, even from Moonshadow, but wishing Azura would have mercy all the same. And she remembered the first time she had to fight Voryn, the soul-wrenching feeling of taking up arms against him, how Trueflame trembled in her grip as she begged him to listen to reason, and it made his present campaign that much more painful, and more personal.

When her mind cleared up enough to process her environment, she realized she was sobbing into Vehk's shoulder. So many memories, so much life and emotion, it was hard to deal with all at once. Their meeting ended up lasting much longer than anticipated. She even ended up spending the night in an old and no-longer-used quarters in the temple, because they had so much to discuss and she had so much to process that it couldn't all be done in one sitting. (Really, they hadn't seen each other in well over 3,000 years; they had a lot of catching up to do.) By the time she left, they were both convinced of her role, and she had a new sense of purpose moving forward. This was no longer about faceless gods and vague legends and a secret dead House. It wasn't even about Azura, though she wouldn't dare say that out loud. It was personal. She had united the Dunmer as Hortator and Nerevarine, and now she would fulfill her duty. She would recover the Tools of Kagrenac, eat the sin of House Dagoth, face Voryn one final time, free the Tribunal from the Heart of Lorkhan and end the Blight on Morrowind.

But for all the grandeur of the legends, it didn't feel very heroic. To the people of Morrowind, the ALMSIVI were their immortal gods, receiving their worship and prayer for thousands of years. Dagoth Ur was a caricaturized figure of evil, more of a concept than a person. But to Ildari? To Nerevar? They were her closest friends. Dagoth Ur was her Voryn, her trusted advisor, her loyal friend. ALM, the Merciful Healing Mother, was her Ayem, her wife and her friend, at once noble, fierce, loving, and goofy. Their marriage may have been for political purposes, but their friendship was full of enough love to make up for it. SI, the Father of Mysteries, was her Seht, her friend and teacher, quiet, contemplative, patient, and incredibly caring. VI, the Warrior-Poet, was her Vehk, her friend and companion and protégé, buoyant, shrewd, and at times frighteningly discerning. They were her advisors, and she was their Hortator, their Neht—or maybe their Iya now—and she loved them all so much. Going on a campaign to defeat the Sharmat was one thing. But she was going off to kill one of her closest friends. Again. And in the process, the rest of her closest friends might just die too. Vehk assured her that they understood and were willing to take that risk, but they had had thousands of years to prepare. Was she willing to take that risk? Broken oath or no, they were all she had. She had just gotten them back, and now she had to accept that one was irredeemable, and the other three might also be lost, all over again.

That was just it, though. She had to accept it. She was Ildari, some mer born under a certain sign to uncertain parents who found her way to Morrowind through a series of misunderstandings, but she was also Indoril Nerevar, "Saint" Nerevar, Nerevar Moon-and-Star, hero of legend. The Tribes had named her Nerevarine, and the Houses had named her Hortator, and the people of Morrowind were relying on her to end the Blight. It was her duty and her destiny, and she would not let them down.

[antiquatedfuture]

Antiquated Future Records Newsletter

The Washboard Abs "Lowlight Visions" Lowlight Visions, the third full-length from The Washboard Abs, shows a band at the height of its powers. It's indie-pop steeped in art-rock and jazz influences that confronts the declining health of a partner and the possibility of loss. Just up today for preorder on cassette and digital formats and out in mid-August, we couldn't be more excited for this epic, brilliant, and heartbreaking album.

And while you're preordering that, you can also download last year's Recurring Chasms and 2016's Have U Scanned Ur Club Card? for free/name your price to get caught up on their already impressive back catalog.

Midwife "Prayer Hands" Midwife is the drone-pop project of Madeline Johnston from Sister Grotto, in collaboration with Tucker Theodore. Their debut last year on Whited Sepulchre Records, Like Author, Like Daughter, took our breath away and we're so honored to be releasing their follow-up EP, Prayer Hands. Up for preorder on cassette and digital formats and out at the end of this month, Prayer Hands is both dreamy and devastating. Our kind of summer jam.

New Distro Tapes + LPs + CDs As always, we're keeping busy on the distro side of things, picking up releases on our favorite small labels and from our favorite artists.

ABSV- Champion of the Sun (Fukdup Records)- A tribute to Sun Ra by Portland electronic artist and percussionist J Morales, also known as ABSV. Eight pulsing tracks of experimental Afro-house, interweaving live and electronic percussion, synths, bass, and piano into an instant basement dance party. (Cassette + Digital Download) ($8)

Brianna Kelly & Sympathy Pain- Split Tape (Whited Sepulchre Records)- Cincinnati artist Brianna Kelly (of Soften) make gorgeous and haunting ambient-pop pieces. A perfect fit for fans of Grouper, Sister Grotto, and Julianna Barwick. Sympathy Pain's airy post-rock makes for the perfect flip side. (Cassette + Digital Download) ($7) Dump Him- Venus in Retrograde (Reflective Tapes)- Live garage-rocky pop-punk from Western Massachusetts' Dump Him. (Cassette) ($5) Hedia- Wool (Unknown Tone Records)- Sparse and slight, but also sprawling and generous, Hedia's ambient chamber pieces are gifts, through and through. The side project of Bryce Hample of Reighnbeau. (Cassette) ($8) Kyle Bobby Dunn & Wayne Robert Thomas- KBD/WRT (Whited Sepulchre Records)- A split between Montreal-based composer Kyle Bobby Dunn and Indianapolis-based guitarist Wayne Robert Thomas. One side of swirling modern classical drone, a drunk orchestra, distant trumpets like migrating birds. And one side of cinematic builds, layers of strings, crests and breaks. (LP) ($18) Orange Daydream: A Tribute To Orange Cake Mix (Why the Tapes Play Records)- A split between long-running lo-fi heavyweight Orange Cake Mix and some of the artists that love him. (CD) ($10) Phoxii- Life Eating Death Feeding (Fukdup Records)- The latest album of forward-thinking electronics from Phoxii. Life Eating Death Feeding's broken and reconstructed tracks further asserts Phoxii as living in a musical universe that's entirely her own. (Cassette + Digital Download) ($8)

Reighnbeau- Blood- Blood is Reighbeau at its most lush, most epic. Skittering claps and snaps, pops and clicks, against a cut-up synth symphony. With guest vocals from Colleen Johnson (Flying Circles), Madeline Johnston (Sister Grotto, Midwife), and many others. (Cassette) ($7) 

Reighnbeau- Fingertips- The latest from Reighbeau, Fingertips is an underwater affair—futuristic nostalgia, cheap earplugs at the rave, worn-out cassettes playing recordings of church organs over a pulsing kick drum. (Cassette) ($7) 

Reighnbeau- Hide- Hide is, like its title implies, obscured, secretive, maybe a little shy. Its melodies below the surface, beats pulsing alongside pitch-shifted layers, dozens of distant voices calling out. Guest vocals throughout by Madeline Johnston of Sister Grotto. ($7) 

Reighnbeau & BK Beats- Sleep- Sleep is the soundtrack to a dream party—feel-good but off-kilter, shiny and hazy, containing only slight resemblances to reality. (Cassette) ($6)

[konnl]

Edward Willett expands the Worldshaper universe with his new novel, Master of The World

For September’s guest author we have Edward Willett, who is a writer and performer from Regina, Saskatchewan. He has authored more than 50 books of various types. He is well known for writing in the science fiction and fantasy genres. Some of his work has been published by DAW Books in New York, such as the novels Lost in Translationand 2009 Aurora Award-winning novel Marseguro. He has also been published with Bundoran Press. Let’s welcome him to the blog.

Hi Edward Willett, thank you for joining us. Can you introduce yourself to the readers?

Hi, readers! As the introduction says, I’m a multiply published author—I’ve actually lost count of exactly how many books I’ve had published. They run the gamut from non-fiction (local history, science books, biographies, and computer books) to my first love, science fiction and fantasy. There’s even one book of poetry! I’ve written for children, young adults, and adults.

I started my career as a newspaper reporter at the weekly Weyburn (Saskatchewan) Review. (Weyburn was the town where I grew up.) At the ripe old age of 24r, I became news editor there. Then, in my late 20s, I became communications officer for the then-fledgling Saskatchewan Science Centre, which is what brought me from Weyburn to Regina, where I’ve lived ever since. After five years at the science centre, I quit my job and became a fulltime freelance writer, which I’ve now been for 26 years.

In addition to writing (and some editing), I’ve done quite a bit of acting and singing, both professionally and just for fun. I’m married to a telecommunications engineer and have one daughter, who is currently enrolled at the University of Toronto. Oh, and we have a black Siberian cat, Shadowpaw—can’t forget him, since I used his name on my own little publishing company, Shadowpaw Press.

Tell us about your latest release, Master of The World.

Master of the World is the second book in the Worldshapers series, published by DAW Books, which began with Worldshaper last year. In Worldshaper, the main character, Shawna Keys, has a pleasant, low-key life: she’s just opened a pottery studio in a small city in Montana, she has a great boyfriend, she has a wonderful best friend. But then everything changes in an instant. Black-clad gunmen storm the coffee shop where she’s having lunch with her friend. Her friend is killed. She’s about to be killed. She refuses to believe it’s happening…and just like that, it isn’t. It hasn’t. The gunmen are gone. The coffeeshop is undamaged…but her friend, Aesha, isn’t there, and no one remembers that she ever existed.

A mysterious stranger, Karl Yatsar, shows up and explains to Shawna that her world, which she thought was the only world, is in fact a Shaped world—and that she Shaped it exactly the way she wanted it when she was thrust into it ten years before. Not only that, it’s only one of a plentitude of Shaped worlds in a vast extra-dimensional Labyrinth. And now, she’s about to lose control of it. The Adversary, the leader of the gunmen, who touched her forehead before threatening to kill her, has stolen her knowledge of the world and is already turning it against her. They have to flee her world entirely…not just to save her life, but because Karl believes she is a powerful enough Shaper—even though, much to his shock and bewilderment, she didn’t remember being one—to travel through all the worlds of the Labyrinth, gathering the knowledge of each, and taking it to the mysterious Ygrair, the one who gave all the Shapers, who originally came from the First World—our world—their own worlds to Shape. Ygrair has been wounded and weakened, and needs someone to bring her the knowledge of as many worlds as possible so that she can save the Labyrinth and all its myriad worlds from the depredations of The Adversary, who wants to enslave and then destroy them all.

In Worldshaper, Shawna and Karl embark on a hazardous cross-country journey, trying to stay one step ahead of The Adversary, to find the only place where a Portal can be opened into the next world, where Shawna can begin the quest she’s been saddled with

 In Master of the World, Shawna finds herself in that next world over, but without her guide and mentor—Karl was left behind. In her first two hours, she’s rescued from a disintegrating island by an improbable flying machine she recognizes from Jules Verne’s Robur the Conqueror, then seized from it by raiders flying tiny personal helicopters, and finally taken to a submarine that bears a strong resemblance to Captain Nemo’s Nautilus. Oh, and accused of being both a spy and a witch.

Shawna expects—hopes!—Karl Yatsar will eventually follow her into this new steampunk realm, but exactly where and when he’ll show up, she hasn’t a clue.

In the meantime, she has to navigate a world where two factions fanatically devoted to their respective leaders are locked in perpetual combat, figure out who the Shaper of the world is, find him or her, and obtain the secret knowledge of this world’s Shaping. Then she has to somehow reconnect with Karl Yatsar, and escape to the next Shaped world in the Labyrinth…through a Portal she has no idea how to open.

Master of The World is part of the Worldshaper storyline, how many novels do you estimate to have in the series?

The series is open-ended: the concept allows me to tell any kind of story in any kind of world. Potentially, it could have any number of novels (although I know how it ends, there’s no rush getting there). I’m currently writing Book 3, which takes place in a world with werewolves and vampires!

You’ve done a lot of writing, as mentioned on your website, over 50 books. When and what did you first start writing about?

I’ve always been drawn to science fiction and fantasy. I have two older brothers, both of whom read it, so the books were around the house. My very first complete short story, written when I was eleven, was called “Kastra Glazz: Hypership Test Pilot.” My mother typed it up for me and I showed it to my Grade 7 English teacher, Tony Tunbridge, who did me the honor of taking it seriously and providing some actual criticism—criticism which, rather than prompting me to give up, instead prompted me to try to make the next thing I wrote better. (I dedicated my recent stand-alone science-fiction novel The Cityborn to Tony by way of thanking him.) I went on to write three science fiction and fantasy novels in high school, so my course was set early on.

Edward, you are a performer too. Care to elaborate more about this aspect of your life?

I’ve always sung—my father was a choral director—and I got the acting bug at age 11 when I played Petruchio in a one-act adaptation of The Taming of the Shrew. I carried on acting and singing, whenever I got the chance. In Weyburn, while I was at the newspaper, I was a founding member of Crocus 80 Theatre, a new community-theatre group, and had leading roles in many plays, and also directed twice. When I moved to Regina, I immediately gravitated to Regina Lyric Light Opera (now Regina Lyric Musical Theatre), a community theatre group that did musicals (it was in a production of The Music Man that I first met my future wife.) I did a lot of shows with Lyric, Regina Little Theatre, and Regina Summer Stage.

When I went full-time freelance, in addition to writing, for three years I performed with a professional opera company, Prairie Opera, which did six-week tours of Saskatchewan schools, typically two shows a day. That made a nice addition to my fledgling freelance income. A few years later I was hired by Regina’s professional theatre company, Globe Theatre, for a production of On Golden Pond (I played the boyfriend from California). As a result of that, I became a member of Canadian Actors’ Equity. I’ve continued to perform every chance I get, both professionally and (more often) just for fun. I’ve been in dozens of plays, musicals, and operas. I’ve also sung with many choirs, including the Canadian Chamber Choir, an auditioned group made up of singers from across the country.

I’ve combined my writing and performing sides a few times in shows I’ve written and directed. Two I’ve done for Regina Lyric Musical Theatre had fantastical elements. In 2013 I wrote and directed As Time Goes By: A Love Story with Music and Ghosts, which did indeed have ghosts in it, and this past year I wrote and directed The Music Shoppe, which might not sound fantastical, but in fact took place in a mystical music store with an ageless proprietor and a mysterious mechanical pianist with magical abilities. Both were hits with audiences.

What was your most challenging novel to write to date?

Worldshaper was challenging because it’s designed to set up an open-ended series. My editor at DAW Books, Hugo Award-winner Sheila E. Gilbert, and I spent a lot of time trying to make sure that everything that was needed to enable the series to work going forward was built into the first book. It was also a bit challenging to write because it’s an interesting mix of first-person (the main character, Shawna Keys) and third-person (her guide and mentor, Karl Yatsar, and her enemy, The Adversary) viewpoints.

Now that Master of the World is released, do you have other novels in the works?

In addition to Book 3 of the Worldshapers series, I’ve got a middle-grade fantasy, Fire Boy, in circulation to publishers; I’m finishing the editing of a young adult science fiction novel, Star Song, which I’ll be bringing out myself through Shadowpaw Press; and I’ll be writing another young-adult story, a dark fantasy called Changers (involving shapeshifters) for ChiZine Publications. I have some other books I want to bring out through Shadowpaw in the not-too-distant future, novels I’ve never found a home for that I think deserve a chance to see the light of day, but I have to fit those in around other work so they won’t be for a while yet.

And I have ideas for many more…

Is your writing and performance inspiration intertwined or are these parts of your life entirely separate?

It’s all one thing. I find there’s a great overlap between being and actor and director and being an author. Actors pretend to be other people; writers do the same. Directors move actors around on stage and guide them in their interactions with each other in order to best tell the story being presented. So do writers. I’ve always felt, when I’m acting, even though I’m bringing some other author’s characters to life, that I’m using many of the same mental muscles as I do when I’m trying to make my own characters live and breathe on the page.

Also, in Worldshapers, I’m able to make lots of musical -theatre jokes, so there’s that.

Any final thoughts you’d like to share with the readers and aspiring writers?

I urge both readers and aspiring writers to check out my podcast, The Worldshapers. It features hour-long conversations with some of the biggest names in science fiction and fantasy writing, with a focus on their creative process, from the generation of ideas to the planning process, the writing process, and the editing process. I also ask them about their philosophy of writing: why they do it, why they think anyone does it, and what impact they hope it has on readers. The interviews are all fascinating and offer great insights into the writing process. You can find it www.theworldshapers.com.

I particularly like the episode where E.C. Blake (the pseudonym under which I wrote a fantasy trilogy called The Masks of Aygrima) interviews me…

Thank you Edward Willett for joining us!

You can find Edward through the following links below.

Website: edwardwillett.com

Amazon: amazon.com/Edward-Willett/e/B001IR1LL6/

Goodreads: goodreads.com/author/show/22635.Edward_Willett

[ferretrade]

Omg what are ur fave hockey/ice skating movies I need recommendations I mcfreaken loved ice princess and the mighty ducks growing up and now idk what to watch

I hope there are more that I can’t think of because this list is just not long enough. anyway, in no particular order:

1. the cutting edge (+ the cutting edge 2, 3, & 4 if you’re desperate). these movies are so cheesy dramatic and use all the best cheesy slow down/speed up/dark and inexplicably foggy filming techniques for the skating scenes. I love it. the first is about super uptight bratty figure skater girl who needs a new pair skating partner and the only guy who can handle being her partner is an ex-hockey player, and they hate each other so naturally they fall in love. also the Toe Pick scene in this film is iconic. the sequels then are the the same thing but with different combos. 2 is figure skater + rollerblading dude. 3 is figure skater guy + hockey girl. etc. 

2. go figure. thank you disney for another great figure skating vs. hockey movie, I can’t get enough of this rivalry drama. basically, tiny figure skating girl wants fancy coach so she can qualify for the olympics despite being like 12??? she looks so tiny and young. and the only way she can afford to go to the private school where stern russian lady coach (naturally) is, is to get a hockey scholarship. can she keep her double life a secret to avoid the hockey girls hating her??? no. will she inexplicably fall in love with the assistant coach, which is kinda awkward because I really have no idea how old any of these characters are? obviously.  will kristi yamaguchi make a cameo for no reason other than who doesn’t want a kristi yamaguchi pep talk cameo? of course. when you can add kristi yamaguchi, add kristi yamaguchi. 

3. ice princess. I know you mentioned it above, but I need it on my list for completeness. this time instead of hockey vs figure skating, it’s science vs figure skating! an adventure in how physics can make you great at figure skating and help you fall in love with a cute boy who zambonis an outdoor rink for you because true love. also hayden panettiere is there and wants to be a real teenager. 

4. miracle. this is like the outlier in this list because it is not a cheesy romcom, which is my jam. it’s basically mighty ducks for adults + a little extra patriotism. based on the true story of 1980 USA olympic hockey team beating the scary russian team who was supposed to kick their asses. fun fact, the 1980 olympics took place in lake placid, ny, which is not too terribly far from my hometown. I don’t think my dad actually went but he had an olympic beanie and I need to track that down and wear it next winter. 

5. the mighty ducks (+2, +3). a great combination of goofy comedy and hockey. I don’t really remember the second, but I know I actually enjoyed the third which is a rarity when it comes to sequels to cheesy movies. fun fact, the anaheim ducks were originally called the mighty ducks because of the movie. how wild is that?? 

6. h-e double hockey sticks. we are officially scraping the bottom of the hockey movie barrel. but who wouldn’t want to watch a movie about a hockey player selling his soul to win a stanley cup? basically a buddy movie about the aforementioned hockey player and a demon who is, underneath it all, actually a good guy. if you like jack & eric from boy meets world, these are those actors.

honorable mention: breakway. I have never seen this film and only just now stumbled across it when trying to see if there were any other movies I’d recommend, but the synopsis is “a young man is torn between his traditional indo-canadian family expectations and his dreams of playing hockey.” also rob lowe is there. this sounds like it could be interesting? bend it like beckham, but canadian and about hockey? 

not what you’re looking for, but worth mentioning: double teamed. not a skating movie at all. it’s just on my mind because hulu keeps telling me to watch it. but if you’re looking for a movie about women and sports, I mean, how can you not want to watch this feel-good disney movie about twin sisters who are really tall and good at basketball? it’s a good one. based on a true story. 

[emmegoeswriting]

Okay, so it's that time of year where I really want some new partners -- or just some new plots if we're already writing together!

I've included below some plots that I am super interested in -- whether you're someone who just falls in love with plots and headcanons a bunch or wants to do writing threads, I'm up for either. I've fallen into a bunch of free time with leaving an organization that I was with and don't plan to replace it with anything except for writing.

Feel free to like this or to message me, I'd love to hear from you!

i’d really love a plot where there’s this like innocent virgin who’s really good-ish friends with this super hot player type of guy and they just he stands up for her and it’s not like he pressures her for anything, they’re just really good friends !! and one night they’re going to a bar and someone makes an asshole comment about her (it could be about her being a virgin or the guys next victim or whatever) and then the guy goes to defend her and instead of him being able to say something he’s super surprised when she turns around and just punches this guy in the face and he ends up having to like have to drag her off of the guy and then because wow she let one of her impulses take control and it worked and it felt better than bottling everything up wow !! maybe she should give into more of her impulses and then they’re walking back to her house or hotel room or whatever and they’re talking and laughing about the whole thing and she makes a comment about how i was nice to let go for once and then next thing he knows !! she’s kissing him and then one thing leads to another and they hook up and wow !! what next ?? are we still friends ?? are we more ?? idk i just really want it i’m looking at this now and just

plot where “your best friend left my sister at the altar because you made him question if he was ready or not literally seconds before the wedding and i’m supposed to hate you by association but the reception’s happening and there’s an open bar and oops we slept together oops we keep sleeping together my sister’s gonna kill me i’m supposed to hate you oh it turns out your best friend is staying with you and you’re defending his actions what the fuck is wrong with you………………wait were you sleeping with my sister before the wedding is that why you convinced your best friend to leave????”

someone give me a plot where muse a is living in this nyc apartment complex, and the apartment across the hall from her has always been empty, until one day she finally sees someone moving in. she introduces herself to the guy moving in, muse b, and is immediately attracted to him. before long, they end up going on a few dates, although muse b is hesitant at first, and at the end of the third date, muse a tries to invite muse b into her apartment for the night, but he declines. she’s confused and initially embarrassed, until he tells her that she should come into his apartment, because he has something to show her. they walk in and there’s a teenage girl on the couch. muse a is extremely confused now, especially when muse b introduces the girl as the babysitter. it isn’t until a tiny little two-year-old comes toddling around the corner that she realizes that muse b is a single father.

plot where muse a and muse b first meet when theyre both young and stupid at a wedding they hit it off things happen they hook up and that’s that then years later theyre reunited through another wedding both have matured and whoa they got way hotter from before and what a coincidence muse a is in the wedding party again as the maid of honor/best man but this time muse b is the bride/groom but oh not to worry it’s all completely platonic we were dumb teens the last time we hooked up of course but wow why didnt i actually try to hold a real conversation with you you’re so smart and funny and you make me laugh we could be really good friends and they are good friends and muse a becomes muse b’s confidant and the designated person they run to when things get rough like do you think the ring’s okay/is it just me or does this dress look completely wrong/we decided on blue and silver for the colors but idk i always hated that it’s so cliche and muse a is there through it all slowly slowly slowly falling in love with muse b and is conflicted like do i tell them how i feel what the fuck am i saying no i can’t ruin this for them theyre marrying my best friend but theyve become my best friend too until one day muse b runs to muse a i think my fiance’s cheating on me and i know he’s/she’s your best friend can you find out for me oh god please ((and ofc if the fiance is cheating on muse b then theres that whole issue of muse a finding out and trying to decide between their own happiness and their best friend’s happiness with the person they’ve started to love))

no decided face claims / male and female pairing
PLOT BUNNY
MUSE A is a secret service agent who has been assigned to protect MUSE B, the president’s daughter, much to their frustration and annoyance. The pair don’t get along, to say the least, and have little to nothing in common aside from her father and he’s making it very clear that he has much better things to do than be trailing around behind her these days.

cliché best friend’s older brother plot where muse a is infatuated with their best friend’s older brother muse b, who they see occasionally when they’re over to study or for a sleepover. when muse a is a freshman and at their first high school party, they have their first kiss who’s later discovered to be muse b. muse b rejects muse a as soon as they’re confronted, which leaves muse a heartbroken until muse b goes off to college. three years later muse a gets accepted to the same college as muse b, and they see each other once again.

can i have a plot where muse a is this rich guy and he’s in a relationship but he also has a side girl aka muse b who he sees often and makes sure she’s taken care of and pampered and basically she’s his stress relief, his “baby girl” and he always visits her when he comes home from business trips and also sends her to places in his own private jet to come see him whenever he wants and she’s basically his secret and it all starts out as fun and games and cuteness and sexiness until muse b wants more ( an exclusive relationship ) and muse a can’t give it to her pls!!

ok but a 1x1 with two single parents maybe one is a widow and one is getting divorced and yeah they’ve always sat in the back of pta meetings making jokes about helicopter parents but then suddenly they’re both alone and there are so many possibilities and just a relationship between two adults who have dealt with enough and lived enough that they know what they want and aren’t looking to fuck around and yeah maybe they start off as ‘ur a parent and u understand my life and how hectic it is so maybe we can just help eachother out in the bedroom section of our lives’, maybe it turns into something real and the slow integration of their families and lives and in the end maybe they still do sit at the back of pta meetings and make fun of other parents

I have an 8 AM tomorrow and I can hear you having sex above me. Stop that shit. - MUSE A is a light sleeper, and they’re very serious about getting their sleep. With their 8 AM in mind, they went to sleep around midnight to get a solid amount of sleep. Cue the bed squeaks through the ceiling. Sounds like MUSE B’s having a lot of fun up there – oh, there are the moans. Hell no. MUSE A stomps up there to give MUSE B a piece of their mind. MUSE B apologizes and the noise stops. Time skip to next week. Oh, the familiar sounds of bed squeaks and a different person’s moans. MUSE A is back at MUSE B’s door. They’re not so nice this time around. This keeps happening until MUSE A really loses it. Fun stuff.

[ookamikasumi-writer]

What if The Lord of the Rings was Written by Other Authors?

Shamelessly ripped off from www.straightdope.com

LOTR by Mickey Spillane

I was sitting by the fire, puffing on a pipe, still nursing a hangover from the ale-fest the night before, when HE walked in. He had a long white beard, a magical staff, and legs that you’d like to eat on toast.

"Are you Frodo Baggins," he intoned.

"I might be," I said. "Who's asking?"

"My name is Gandalf, Mr. Baggins. And I need your help."

I looked him over. "Lots of people need my help. What makes YOU special?"

"Well, Mr. Baggins...there is a certain piece of jewelry. If it fell into the wrong hands, it could prove...troublesome. I need someone to take this ring to Mount Doom, where it can be destroyed."

I stuck some more weed in my pipe, and said, "Look, doll, let's get one thing straight- you can't come into my hole, tell me a fairy-tale about a magic ring, bat those pretty eyelids, and have me fall at your feet. I stick my neck out for nobody."

LOTR by Ernest Hemingway

It was very late and everyone had left the hall except an old man who sat in the shadows the leaves of the old Mallorn made against the moonlight.

The two elves inside the hall knew that the old man was a little drunk, and while he usually was quiet and kept to himself they knew that if he became too drunk he would start setting things on fire, so they kept watch on him. "He's drunk," one elf said.

"What do you care?"

"He's muttering about the secret fire."

"Leave him alone. He used to carry a ring."

"He'll stay all night. He should never have been rebodied."

The old man rapped on the table with his goblet.

The younger elf went over to him. "What do you want?"

The old man looked at him. "Another miruvor."

"You'll be drunk," the elf said.

The old man looked at him.

The elf went away. "Look at his bushy eyebrows," he said to his colleague. “There is nothing as nasty as an old Man. He'll stay all night and I'll never get any sleep."

The elf took the bottle of miruvor from the counter inside the hall and marched to the old man's table. He poured the goblet full. "You should never have been rebodied," he said to the old man.

LOTR by Mark Twain

NOTICE:

Persons attempting to resolve the question of Balrog wings by means of this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to define the nature of Tom Bombadil will be banished; persons attempting to find allegory in it will be shot.

BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR, Per G.G., Chief of Ordnance.

FOREWORD:

In this book a number of dialects are used, to wit: the Quenya Elvish dialect; the extremest form of the Rhovanion dialect; the ordinary Sindarin dialect; and four modified varieties of this last. The shadings have not been done in a haphazard fashion, or by guesswork; but painstakingly, and with the trustworthy guidance and support of personal familiarity with these several forms of speech. I make this explanation for the reason that without it many readers would suppose that all these characters were trying to talk alike and not succeeding.

THE AUTHOR.

CHAPTER 1

You don't know about me without you have read a book by the name of The Red Book of Westmarch; but that ain't no matter. That book was made by Mr. Frodo Baggins and his Uncle Bilbo, and they told the truth, mainly. There was things which they stretched, but mostly they told the truth. That is nothing. I never seen anybody but lied one time or another, without it was the Lady Galadriel, or Elrond, or maybe Gandalf. The Lady Galadriel - the Lady of Lothlorien, she is - and Elrond, and the wizard Gandalf is all told about in that book, which is mostly a true book, with some stretchers, as I said before.

LOTR by George Orwell

"I cannot read the fiery writing," said Frodo.

"There are few who can," replied Gandalf. "It is the language of Mordor, which I will not speak here. Translated into the common tongue, it reads:

'All rings of power are equal, but some rings of power are more equal than others.'"

LOTR by Dave Barry

At the end of the Council of Elrond, everyone concluded that 'Shards of Narsil' would be a great name for a band.

LOTR, by John Milton

Of the great War of the Ring, and the quest

Of that Forbidden power, the long and

Arduous trek, thru' fiery, blasted plains

With faithful Hobbits and treacherous beasts

To Chaos' edge, and there to cast the One

To endless fire and eternal death:

Sing Heav'nly Muse, that in Rivendell did'st

First teach of the Rings of Power forgéd,

In the beginning how the Dark Lord Sauron

Brought into the world from fiery depths

Of Doom this ring of gold, pouréd into't

His Malice and his Evil; I now

Invoke thy Aid to my Adventrous song

That struggle as it might to take to th'air

Though will I drag from bottomless perdition

Things unattempted yet in Prose or Rhime

And justifie the ways of men to Elves.

LOTR by Tom Clancy

The King of the Nazgul (KotN) fingered the safety buckle that secured the shortsword in its scabbard. It was modeled after the Gladius design, making it wholly inadequate for going up against Elven armour, but it was perfectly suited for being jammed in the collarbone of a Hobbit 'merc, without calling too much attention to it's owner. His XO, "Camel" Khamul had used a similar weapon in numerous CoIN missions in North Gondor, where he had been sent to disrupt "Elrond's" supply fellowships sneaking down the Is-ild-ur trail. The KotN smiled, even without a head. This mission was almost going to be a mead-run. Taking out a squad of sleeping halflings was going to be easier than slaying Wyvyrns sitting on a tarmac...

LOTR by Dr Seuss

"Gandalf, Gandalf! Take the ring!

I am too small to carry this thing!"

"I can not, will not hold the One.

You have a slim chance, but I have none.

I will not take it on a boat,

I will not take it across a moat.

I cannot take it under Moria,

that's one thing I can't do for ya.

I would not bring it into Mordor,

I would not make it to the border."

LOTR by Danielle Steele

Eowyn felt her heart flutter when she saw him. His raven hair flew in the breeze off the plain, and his piercing eyes caught her gaze as if by magic. He bore a kingly attitude; surely he was a prince. Her mind turned to forbidden things, things which would be forbidden to the King's niece, but surely allowed for a free shieldmaiden. She knew that she was made to love this ranger.

LOTR by Ayn Rand

Smeagol writhed in corruption, his lifelong attempts to collectivize the Hobbit economy had twisted his soul and body and brought ruin to the Shire. "Precious," he muttered. "Precious collective good giving according to need." He shuddered at the thought of the unbroken individual standing proudly over a conquered plain with the Ring, and felt jealous that the wholesome power could not be his.

LOTR by Choose Your Own Adventure

You're sitting in your hole, smoking a pipe and drinking some fine hobbit ale, when the door knocks. Outside, there's Gandalf the Wizard. Do you let him in?

If yes, go to page 65,

if no, turn to page 43.

Page 65

"Ah, my dear Frodo, it's good to see you. Now, my boy, I'm here on urgent business. The magic ring your Uncle Bilbo took from Gollum is cursed, and must be taken far from here, until we decide what to do with it. Will you take on this mission?"

If yes, go to page 13,

if no, turn to page 72:

Page 13:

"Your courage does you honor, Frodo. Take this ring, and I'll meet you later. Do you want me to meet you at Galdriel's tree fortress or at Elrond's palace?"

For Galadriel's fortress, go to page 68,

for Elrond's palace, turn to page 27.

Page 68:

As you enter the forest, the beautiful Galadriel and her footmen greet you. She says, "My, you're courageous to take this quest. Carrying that ring must be exhausting. Would you like to keep it, or give it to me?"

To keep the ring, go to page 47,

To give it to Galadriel, turn to page 88.

Page 88:

"HAHAHAHAHAHA, you foolish halfling," she cries. "Now I am beautiful and terrible and mighty, and will rule all the Earth." As she laughs, she signals her minions to torture you to death.

At least, you die knowing you won't be around to see all of Earth under her tyranny.

THE END

LOTR by a Lawyer

COMES NOW, plaintiff, Sauron, to file this original Complaint, and would show this honorable court the following:

Plaintiff and party of the first part, Sauron ("Sauron") is a(n) (un)natural person, and resident and domiciliary of Mordor.

Defendant and party of the second part, Frodo Baggins ("Frodo") is a natural person and resident of Hobbiton. Co-Defendant and party of the third part Samwise Gamgee ("Sam") is likewise same.

All parties being properly diverse, jurisdiction is proper pursuant to 28 M.E.C. 1332. Damages far exceed the minimum jurisdiction of the court.

Defendant has converted and trespassed against the chattel and personalty of the plaintiff, namely, the One Ring ("Ring") and is liable to plaintiff for same.

Plaintiff would further show on or about the final day of the Third Age, defendants did intentionally cause the destruction of Ring while plaintiff was engaged in defending his business from hostile takeover. In the alternative, plaintiff pleads that the actions of the defendants toward ring amount to recklessness, gross negligence, and negligence.

As a direct result of destruction of Ring, plaintiff has suffered actual damages in the form of irreparable harm to his business and personal reputation, as well as direct and indirect loss of income. Plaintiff has further suffered from mental anguish, humiliation, and loss of consortium.

Insofar as actions of defendants were intentional, plaintiff further requests punitive damages in the amount of treble his actual damages.

WHEREFORE, PLAINTIFF, SAURON, PRAYS FOR: all reasonable damages above named; FURTHER, plaintiff prays for all additional relief in law or equity deemed necessary and proper by this honorable court.

Respectfully submitted, Mouth of Sauron Attorney for Plaintiff Middle Earth Bar No. 734925639

LOTR by CNN

Ringbearers still at large

Mordor (CNN) - Reports from the field have just arrived that the notorious group of ringbearers known mysteriously only as "the nine" were spotted by a band of orcs entering the terrorist safe haven known as "Lothlorien" several days ago.

The Mordor State Department issued an official proclamation today that the group were known to be armed and dangerous and had already caused the death of many orcs in the region as well as the notorious brutal murder of a high ranking Balrog previously residing in Moria. They warn that any concerned citizens were to contact the Mordor Foreign affairs office immediately with information as to the whereabouts of these fugitives and to not try and confront them themselves.

"We will act in our utmost to bring these terrorists to justice" President Sauron declared today. "These terrorists are attacking our way of life, our culture and the way we live. The world must know that the collected will of the dark lord’s minions will be strong and resolute."

First detected in the town of Bree in the north of middle Earth, these terrorists wasted no time in coldly taking the lives of all nine Ringwraith Agents when it was discovered that they were on a plot to topple Mordor.

It is believed that the group is composed of primarily hobbits backed up by support from a wide variety of races including dwarves, elves humans and a mysterious backer only known as "Mithrander".

"I must stress, Hobbits are a primarily peace loving race" President Sauron warned today after a spate of hate attacks against hobbit dwellings. "These hobbits are extremists, fundamentalists; they do not speak for hobbit kind".

Agents also believe that these terrorists have strong links to the group that assassinated the Foreign Diplomat, Smaug, earlier this age. If so, it would explain the impressive array of mythical weapons that the group has acquired.

So far, the terrorist group has been utilizing safe houses in elvish country to evade capture and have slipped past even the most stringent defenses the Dark Lord has set in place.

Residents are afraid for their children and people have stopped going out at night. "How am I going to let my kids go out and torture humans if I know that there’s a group of orc killers roaming the countryside" a concerned mother said today".

Experts believe that, if these rogues are not brought to justice, a rash of copy cat attacks will follow and severely hurt the economy.

-- written by CNN correspondent, Sauraman

LOTR by The Onion

Area man loses magical ring of power, thinks it may be behind the couch.

Local area man Sauron (last name withheld for privacy reasons) has been looking everywhere in his spacious 3 bedroom volcano for a ring he forged over 6000 years ago. He claims that the ring, although of little intrinsic value, has great sentimental value to him since he poured most of power into it.

"I mean, I guess it could be used to turn people invisible and bend knights to your will and stuff like that, but basically, it’s just a nice gold ring which I happen to like wearing"

Having last seen the ring when he went outside to check on some damn punk kids who were making a whole lot of noise outside of his estate in Mordor, he's not quite sure what happened to the ring after that.

"I was just going outside to shut those damn elves up, ya’know. There always barging in here every thousand years or so demanding I stop razing their lands and enslaving their people, gets to be kind’a a nuisance ya’know."

Sauron reports that he is not quite sure what happens next but, all of a sudden, he becomes a dis-corporated spirit, capable of doing no more evil than a overly dry turkey club sandwich.

"Anyway, I dunno what happened but I guess I just dropped the ring somewhere. Gee, I hope nobody picked it up cus, that would be theft plain and simple and even elves are above that. Although, come ta’think of it, those damn whippersnapper 'umans might’a done it. There not above anything, them spoiled brats."

Hoping that nobody picked up the ring over the ensuing 3000 year interval, Sauron is sure that the ring is just wedged behind the refrigerator or maybe even under the bed. He has high hopes on finding the ring and looks forward to wearing it again.

"Ya’know, about the only place I haven't checked yet is the forging room, I was going to do it two days ago but there was some ruckus with a spider in the west quadrant. At this rate, I probably won’t get a chance to have a good look in there until next week."

LOTR by Seinfeld

Seinfeld Episode 144: "The Ring":

So anyway my uncle gives me this ring of power and I can't even recharge my cell phone with it. What's up with that?

"Don't tell me you lost the ring George."

"I had it a minute ago. I must have left it in that restaraunt."

"No Rings for you," cried the Soup Nazgul.

This guy who wants me to get rid of the ring is named Gandalf. Have you ever met anybody named Gandalf? What's up with that?

The Council of Elrond:

"Sauron created the ring of power in the year...yadda, yadda, yadda... and that's how Frodo here got it."

Why didn't Sauron make a spare ring? What's up with that?

LOTR by Eminem

Lord of the Rings-Eminem

Do you know what it's like to be given a quest

To be told that my best is a jest in the mess of a world my parents confessed?

To be told that I'm going to fail no matter what I do

That everything's gonna go black

To be given a ring that my uncle's addicted to like smack?

A ring he won't let go

`It's mine,' Bilbo says, `just let go, Frodo,'

`F**k you,' I say, `You know yo flow is blow, that ring ain't no f**king memento.'

My man Gandalf comes in and lays down the law

Oh no motherf**king Bilbo sees his flaw

'Take this thing,' he says to Gan, and hands it over to the man

'Now it's been given,' he says to him, 'given and now I'm going to Rivendell.'

`Rivendell, hell," Gandalf says, 'elves run that place like some f**kin' jail cell, you do well to go to a Deep of Helm's,' he said.

`I'm going to Rivendell,' Bilbo said. `I'm sorry Gandalf but I'm going. Now take that f**king ring before it blings and f**king makes me cry like some f**king halfling.'

LOTR by Tarantino

Excerpt from: 'Pulp Fellowship' by Tarantino (please excuse the length)

2. EXT. HORSE DRAWN WAGON (MOVING) - MORNING

A rickety Horse Drawn Wagon creaks down the dusty back roads of the Shire. On the drivers board are two people-- one a Wizard, the other a Hobbit - the wizard wearing Homespun Robes and a pointy hat, the Hobbit standard Hobbit clothes, with a thin tie. Their names are Frodo (Hobbit) and Gandalf (Wizard). Gandalf holds the reigns.

FRODO

That did it, man -- I'm f**kin' goin', that's all there is to it.

GANDALF

You'll most certainly enjoy it. But You know what the funniest thing about Gondor is?

FRODO

What?

GANDALF

It is the small differences. Many the same things we have here, they have also there, but there they are somewhat different.

FRODO

How so?

GANDALF

Well, in Rohan, you can buy Pipeweed at a theatre. And I don't mean in a rolling paper either. They give you a pipe full of weed, like in a guest in your parlour! In Minas Tirith, you can buy weed at Denethor's. Also, you know what they call a Long Bottom Leaf in Gondor?

FRODO

They don't call it a Long Bottom Leaf?

GANDALF

No, they have no sense of the Shire there, they wouldn't know what the f**k a 'Long Bottom Leaf' is.

FRODO

What'd they call it?

GANDALF

Sweet Galenas.

FRODO

(repeating) Sweet Galenas... What'd they call Silver Star?

GANDALF

Silver star remains Silver Star, but they call it the 'King's' Silver Star.

FRODO

What do they call Old Toby?

GANDALF

I know not, I could not find Old Toby. But you know what they put on Mushrooms in Gondor instead of Bacon?

FRODO

What?

GANDALF

Mutton.

FRODO

Goddamn!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Contributed by a Many Talented Straightdope readers

[airoasis]

Proving them incorrect: Jonah Davis' source of inspiration

uring the summer before his junior year of high school, Cal outfielder Jonah Davis traveled to Palo Alto, California where he attended Stanford’s high school baseball camp. At the end of the session, camp instructors evaluated each player by giving them a rating based off their performance. Like many of the other campers, Jonah anxiously examined his rating the moment it was handed out.

“They gave me a four out of 10 at the end of camp, which meant that I could definitely be a Division III baseball player with slight potential to be a Division-II player,” Jonah reflects. “Proving people wrong is probably the greatest thing you can do in any sport.”

An undersized outfielder who only hit five home runs in his high school career, it’s easy to understand why scouts and recruiters would question Jonah’s chances at becoming a Division-II outfielder, let alone a serviceable player at the Division-I level. When he attended camp that summer, he still hadn’t finished growing to the 5-foot-10 frame that he has today.

Ethan Epstein/Senior Staff

But now as a sophomore utility outfielder for the Bears, Jonah has not only become an integral part of Cal’s baseball team, but his longtime dream of becoming a Major League Baseball player doesn’t seem as far away as it did just a couple years ago.

He isn’t satisfied with where he’s at. But in time — with a combination of hard work and doubters who continue to fuel his focus — he believes he will be. That’s the motto that has gotten him this far already.

onah Davis was born in New York City, to parents Anthony Davis and Cindy Aaronson-Davis, two prominent music teachers. Cindy is an opera and voice teacher, while Anthony is a composer and jazz pianist who teaches music at the University of California, San Diego. While Jonah ultimately prioritized baseball over music lessons, his family’s musical background became a big part of his identity too. At just 9 years old, he sang in opera created by his father, “Wakonda’s Dream,” and participated in a San Diego children’s choir — all while making it to baseball practice on time.

“He’s a very talented musician,” Anthony says. “He used to play piano and guitar, but sports sort of took over his life and he became more devoted to that the last few years.”

Before Jonah’s birth, the Davis’s were settled in New York City where they thrived as a part of the music industry. But after Anthony received a job offer to be a professor at UCSD, the family decided to move out west and raise Jonah — at the time only one — in one of California’s most beautiful cities. This is where Jonah’s baseball story began.

Despite not playing sports themselves, Jonah’s parents were in fact big baseball fans. While it was tough for Cindy, a Mets fan, and Anthony, a Yankees fan, to leave behind New York’s bustling baseball atmosphere, it helped that San Diegans not only embraced their hometown team — the Padres — but were also a part of a very competitive neighborhood baseball environment, something that Jonah learned to appreciate.

“For whatever reason, baseball just became my main sport, and it’s so competitive in San Diego,” Jonah recalls. “I think it was just natural growing up in San Diego and the fact that (San Diegans) love sports too, it was kind of a perfect match.”

While he was never the biggest or strongest player on the field, Jonah impressed his coaches and parents with his unusual toughness. During a youth travel ball tournament in Cooperstown, New York, he was hit in the face by a pitch that got away, scaring not only his parents but his typically stalwart coach as well.

“We were standing on the side and we saw him get hit and (he) went down,” Cindy recalls. “And when his coach ran over to him and screamed ‘Medic!’ that was the most panicked I’ve ever been …; For months, his face made him look like an alien, but he continued to play.”

Jonah spent that night in the hospital with his worried parents by his side, but the next morning, he declared himself ready to play, swollen face and all. When the team offered him a special helmet with a mask in front to use while at-bat, he declined.

“That (incident) really showed me the desire and love of the game that he had, and how much he wanted to be a part of the team,” Anthony says. “And of course how tough he was. That type of thing has always been with him, that desire and motivation and will.”

All of those are traits that Cal head coach David Esquer appreciates seeing from one of his younger players.

“Jonah brings the competitiveness that we need (on this team),” Esquer says. “He continues to improve his game and is very diligent and works hard to go along with his talent. You can really see that he put a lot of preparation before he came (to Cal).”

As much as Jonah is determined to make himself the best player that he can be, he knows that the odds are stacked against him. Less than one percent of high school players will eventually be drafted by an MLB team, and only a slightly larger percentage of those players make it onto an NCAA team in the first place. To Jonah, those numbers don’t mean a thing.

Ethan Epstein/Senior Staff

“Ever since I was a kid, I’ve dreamed of playing in the major leagues and there’s always those numbers being thrown around,” Jonah says. “Look at our team now together. We’re all already a part of that small percentage.”

If one looks closely, there are stars across all sports who don’t look like professional athletes. Take Houston Astros infielder Jose Altuve, who is listed at just 5 feet, 6 inches tall, but has morphed into one of the best players in all of baseball, finishing third in AL MVP voting this year.

It’s no secret: Jonah doesn’t look like the next cornerstone of a professional franchise. His parents weren’t former players, he doesn’t have one particular skill that jumps out, and he devotes just as much time to his academics as he does to his baseball career. But like Altuve and others who didn’t look like stars-in-the-making, Jonah persists, satisfied with his work ethic to the point where he’ll be OK if he falls short of his ultimate goal — as long as he keeps up the effort.

“When I hear the numbers, I can’t listen to (them) because that’s never going to help me,” Jonah says. “When I hopefully look back in a few years, I can say that I tried my hardest and say that it’s time to move on even if it doesn’t work out.”

In addition to his fearlessness on the field, what made Jonah stand out even more in high school was his dedication to his academics in the classroom. At San Diego’s Francis Parker High School — where he helped the Lancers win the 2014 CIF San Diego Section Championship — he was on the honor roll for three years.

As an upperclassmen, Jonah committed himself to even more hours in the batting cage, weight room and of course, his academics. How he managed to balance his time so efficiently is remarkable, but his father attributes his time management skills to his incredible focus.

“He’s amazingly focused,” Anthony says. “When he devotes himself and fights to do something, he does it, there’s no doubt about it.”

The work has paid off. He finished his high school career with a .447 batting average, and was nominated for Francis Parker’s Athletic Hall of Fame. He was named team MVP during his senior year and was a Second-Team All-CIF selection. Finally, he spent time on the scout teams of MLB teams Baltimore Orioles, Kansas City Royals and the New York Yankees. The more successful he became, the more others looked up to him as a leader, a role that Jonah embraced.

“He’s always been a leader and a mentor on his high school team,” Cindy says, proudly. “Kids looked up to him and he always took the time to work with them.”

e overcame the ratings of his Stanford camp counselors when he received an athletic scholarship to play baseball for the University of Nevada, Reno, which he proudly accepted. After Wolfpack head coach Jay Johnson left to accept the same job at Arizona, Jonah realized that he didn’t want to play for a team after coach that had recruited him wasn’t there anymore. He decided to reevaluate his options.

“The thing about Cal is that you can look at other schools with great baseball programs,” Jonah says. “But the thing that those schools lack that Cal provides is obviously the No. 1 public education in America and in the world. What I’m learning at the end of the day will apply to whatever I do in the future.”

Although Jonah received offers from several schools in California, choosing Cal is a decision that he hasn’t regretted at all. Since coming to Berkeley last season, his positive attitude and maturity have made an impact with his teammates. Coming into the year as a freshman, Jonah didn’t receive the majority of his playing time until the second half of the season, when he only received spot starts and pinch-hit appearances. But despite the big adjustment from high school star to collegiate spot starter, Esquer admires Jonah’s passion and energy that he brings to the ball club.

“Jonah’s effort level and his hard work is where it starts,” Esquer says. “He cares about his performance and the team’s performance, and based on how hard he always works, the team follows that as a result.”

His effort level landed him a spot as a role player for the Bears, a utility outfielder who received a huge note of confidence when Esquer penciled him into the lineup for his first collegiate start in May of last season. It was the first game of a critical series on the road, at a place that Jonah was all too familiar with.

Stanford. The site of his frightful review.

“For the first couple of innings, I was a little nervous, but everybody was making me smile and making me laugh out there,” Jonah recalls. “I realized then that I was there to play baseball and shouldn’t be nervous. (Cal) recruited me for a reason and all I have to do is play my game.”

On the same field where he was told that playing Division I baseball would be a long shot, Jonah did just that. In his four at-bats that day, he hit two singles, the second of which knocked in a run that added to the Bears’ lead. He was rewarded again for his successful debut with another start the next day, and finished the year with 16 appearances, including three starts in right field.

“Once I got that first hit and also made a pretty nice play in right field, you realize that it’s the same thing just on a bigger stage,” Jonah says, with a smile. “I was able to help the team out, help secure that win, and it was just a surreal experience that I can’t wait to continue during my sophomore year.”

As Jonah continues through the next chapter in his baseball career — now in year two of his time at Cal — he isn’t just putting in the work for himself. His maturity reminds him that he has hundreds of supporters back home in San Diego to be thankful for. Without them, his dream would be just that. A dream.

“When I go to the weight room and when I go to the field, I’m thinking of my parents, my friends and everyone back home,” Jonah says. “That includes my teachers, my old travel ball coaches, and anyone who’s ever helped me along the way to get to where I am today and as I continue to progress as a player and as a person. That’s why I’m working so hard, for them.”

The best stories in sports involve underdogs achieving the impossible. Whenever Jonah Davis steps onto the field, however, he’ll never seem himself as one — no matter how camp counselors rate him. No matter what anyone else says, he won’t be slowing down anytime soon.