#thewanderingdaughter

[the-wandering-daughter]

Dinner at Lisa’s

Tonight, I sat across the table from Kirsten. She was the Wi-Fi password. I wonder if their other daughter feels any type of way from not being the Wi-Fi password. I know I would, but I have had my feelings hurt by my parents my whole life so it wouldn’t be any surprise. My brother would definitely be the Wi-Fi password. 

Maxton, Kirsten’s husband, rocked their baby Oliver almost the entire time I was there. Maxton seems like such an amazing father. I watched Lisa, Kirsten’s mom, jump up when Kirsten asked if there was a load in the wash, as Oliver had just thrown up on their bed. Lisa ran upstairs and pulled the clothes out of the dryer into the hamper, hung the comforter over the banister still wet, and threw their bedding in the wash immediately. 

That was me. I was Lisa, I am the good mom. Maxton, well that was Leighton. I sat there and I realized how disassociated I was from this evening. 

Tonight, as a woman, a mother, and an adult who forms their own opinion, I re-met my Great Uncle Henry. I say re-met because I literally struggle so fucking much with dissociative amnesia. 

I always thought my Grandpa Samaniego and his siblings had this trauma-filled childhood and were too old-fashioned and simple to seek any sort of therapy and used that as a hall pass for his shitty upbringing of his children. I imagined they were all so distant like us. 

Tonight, I was proven so fucking wrong. 

Great Uncle Henry breeds Goldendoodles with his wife. He has raised a completely stable, healthy, and capable human being and daughter in Lisa. Lisa is happily married and has a big family of 4 kids. Lisa and her husband still have some kids living at home. Lisa’s kids laughed about how they still call their dad for help with English homework.

Tonight, I got to see a happy and healthy Samaniego family and it broke a piece of me. It tore me because how the actual fuck did my grandfather let this slip away from him? How can you look at this beautiful family and not want exactly what the fuck they have?

I cherish the small steps I take as a mother to get to where we need to go, to raise a solid human being. I really do. But seeing Lisa jump to help, seeing her full home, seeing her in the kitchen, I can’t wait for that.  I can’t wait to be the good mom. 

Being a single mom, bad cop, it’s tiring. I find peace knowing I will get to enjoy Leighton as a young adult. I know I am raising a good human. I am grateful, but tonight, it also feels so heavy.