#these tags were brought to you by goro akechi

[frickingnerd]

beneath the mask

pairing: goro akechi x gn!reader

summary: during a masked ball you realize that the boy you're dancing with isn't your best friend, ren amamiya, but the boy you're in love with, goro akechi, who you accidentally just confessed to…

tags: accidental confession (reader to akechi), angst to wholesome fluff, happy ending (implied relationship), akechi pretends to be ren, supportive best friend!ren, masked ball/masquerade, kissing, reader (almost) tries to move on from akechi

“ren!” within the crowd of masked people, you found your best friend rather quickly. after all, he had been the one accompanying you to this masked ball and you would've recognized that outfit anywhere. “can i… dance with you for a minute?”

your friend quietly nodded, likely understanding that dancing meant that you wanted to talk somewhere nobody would listen. as you grabbed his hand, he followed you obediently onto the dancefloor, where the two of you soon began to dance closely, as you brought up the topic you wanted to talk about, while nobody could hear you two.

“akechi still hasn't even read my messages. i suppose i shouldn't have gotten my hopes up that he'd take the invitation, since he's such a popular guy. but, it still hurts a little…” you started, starring past ren and towards the door, as you spoke.

“today was the night i planned to confess to him. if he had shown up, i wanted to tell him how much he means to me. but since he isn't here…” you paused, suppressing the tears and instead forcing a smile on your lips. “i've decided to move on from him instead. i mean, what was i thinking? the detective prince dating some nobody like me…?”

“don't.” ren stated quietly, the first time he had said anything since you dragged him onto the dancefloor. his voice was a little off, but you were too focused on what he said to question it.

“no, ren, it's better this way. i know you're trying to see things positively right now, but i never had a chance with him to begin with. akechi never even showed up tonight…”

“he did show up.”

“he did…?”

as you looked around the room, searching for the detective prince, ren slowly removed his mask. you were too focused looking for akechi to see that the boy in front of you…

“then where is–” you turned back to ren, only to find that beneath the mask wasn't your best friend, but the boy you liked so much. “–akechi!?”

“i'm sorry for deceiving you” he smiled apologetically, never once pulling away from you, as he continued to hold you as close as he did when the two of you started dancing. “ren lent me his outfit, so i could talk to you. turns out they're not letting anyone in who isn't wearing a mask…”

despite akechi's explanation, a lot still wasn't making sense to you. like for example…

“why are you here…?”

“i came to see you.” you could feel your cheeks heat up at those words, hoping your mask would conceal the red. “i've had a feeling that i should be here tonight. and after hearing you confess your feelings for me to ‘ren’, i think i was right where i needed to be.”

“goro…” you whispered, struggling to find the right words to reply. but akechi gently placed a finger onto your lips, signaling that you didn't need to say anything.

“it's not fair to you at all, i know. i ignore your messages, i deceive you and make you confess to me without you even knowing who you're talking to and i ruin your plans of moving on from me. this probably wasn't the confession you were hoping for. i'm sorry, you didn't deserve this.”

akechi paused, before brushing some of your hair behind your ear and smiling softly.

“nothing went the way it should've with the two of us. if i had told you sooner how much you meant to me, maybe you would've never needed to think about moving on. but… if i had told you sooner, we wouldn't be here right now either. and i like where we are… just you and me. dancing.”

akechi's hand wandered to your waist, as he slowly began to dictate the pace that the two of you danced. you had so many more things you wanted to say to him or to ask akechi. but for now, you simply followed his lead and decided to see where this would take you.

“perhaps it's a little late to say it now…” akechi whispered, leaning in. “but you look absolutely stunning tonight.”

you shyly averted your gaze, whispering out a ‘thank you’. but when you looked back at akechi after a few seconds, he was still staring at you in awe. as if you were the most beautiful person he had ever laid eyes on.

“it makes it hard to hold back, when i have you all to myself right now too…” akechi pulled you a little closer. “may i… kiss you?”

you had imagined what it would be like to kiss akechi so many times already. yet as the opportunity was in front of you, you couldn't quite believe your luck.

“under one condition.” you replied, much to akechi's surprise. “promise me this won't be our last kiss…”

a smile hushed over the boy's lips.

“i promise. you can have as many kisses, dances and dates as you want after this one, darling.”

[fanfiction-artist-prototype]

Okay the last one " I hold the cards". I might do the tag game as well btw! I'll use it to actually get stuff done on my wips lol

AH I hope you are as productive as possible!!!

ALSO YAY ANOTHER PERSONA 5 ONE! AND IT'S MY FAVOURITE TROPE, TIME TRAVEL!!!

*SPOILERS FOR THE ENDING OF VANILLA PERSONA 5*

Basic concept:

After AkiRen gets released from Juvie he ends up going to Akechi's funeral and all is very sad because star crossed rivals/in another life we might have been friends friends you know?

Anyway, AkiRen took a nap on the way home from the funeral and opens his eyes on the subway the day he meets Akechi. He promptly falls into a panic attack, Ryuji has to come to save the day and Akira does his absolute best to *AVOID* Akechi Goro because if he does he might live (and Shido might get what he deserves) but everything he does ends up with the different Phantom Thieves becoming embroiled or at least meeting Akechi and so Akechi starts to get suspicious because why does this random nobody not want to meet him!?

He eventually comes to the conclusion it must be a celebrity crush, then he meets AkiRen by accident, gets his memories and automatically just goes "You little fucker, you thought you got to just save me and leave me in the dark like I'm not even worthy of consulting on this matter!? YOU BASTARD!"

And then the canon game of cat and mouse starts, but it's worse because now the PT think that AkiRen has a crush on Akechi and that Akechi might have a crush on AkiRen? But AkiRen is doing his best to not get Akechi involved so he might survive and Akechi is trying to actively hunt AkiRen for sport for pissing him off.

snippet:

"Akira? Dude are you okay? You look ready to throw up, eh I'm not good at this whole panicking shit you know, what can I do?"

That wasn't right - after the interrogation everyone had sat down and learnt to deal with these things- Ryuji had brought him down before - why was he pretending like he didn't know now?!

"Akira, just focus on breathing dude, shit what would Ann do!?" He was trying his best not to tremble now, curled in slightly looking to the outside world like a lazy teen falling asleep sat up, but he was furthest from sleep than he could possibly ever be.

Something settled in his chest as he curled up and for a few seconds he became convinced it was the boot of a police officer - or was it the failing punch of a lost comrade- “Joker it’s fine. You’re okay. You’re on the way to school, you’re safe.”

He wasn’t. He wasn’t. He wasn’t - wait.

“Morgana?” 

The name came out more of a wheeze and he got a soft pat on the face from a paw in response. That pressure against his chest must have been Morgana pushing his head out of the bag, because his companions face and front paw was out of the bag. Ryuji’s voice didn’t seem as abrasive on his mind anymore, and looking at Morgana curled into himself and with one of his best friends at his sides he let himself relax slightly. It was still difficult to breath, his nerves still felt like they were on fire under his skin but for the most part the vomit was slowly returning to his stomach and his panic was lessening.

“Something happened just now with the metaverse didn’t it Joker?” Even after a year of having the not-cat with him he still found himself being shocked by the amount of inflection he was capable of, but right now it was grounding, “I felt something shift when you nodded off. You felt it too didn’t you?”He was in a uniform. Morgana was talking about the metaverse. Ryuji was on the train with him. FUCK.

“I- what day is it.”

“The tenth of June… you’re going on your social studies trip.”

Okay. He could do this. 

It took a lot of fortitude but he managed to force in an even breath, careful to keep his fingers curled against his palm even though they were wrapped around his bag. Later on in the year they’d discovered residue from the metaverse had shifted into their everyday lives and they’d been able to do… things that people shouldn’t be able to do; despite being a wild card his own abilities had been curse related, and he found if he had any form of concentrated malicious will and all five of his fingers touched it the item or person would become imbued with negative energy (or at least that had been how Chihaya had described it) and even if he was over half a year in the past Akira didn’t trust the metaverse and all it’s fuckery not to bring his powers along for the ride as well.

“Are you okay man?” Right. Ryuji. Not exactly his Ryuji because he and his best friend hadn’t been as close this far back into the year (they’d had the closest relationship Akira had had with a person back then in Tokyo and now that Akira knew how things would  play out he refused to let Ryuji take any hits he didn’t need to) but it was Ryuji all the same.

And his friend got antsy if he could see someone suffering and couldn’t help.

“Give me a few minutes,” he kept his head down but relaxed his shoulders hopefully that would be enough, “Tell me when it’s our stop and I’ll make sure I’m okay by the time we get to school.”

He hadn’t been good at lying the first time around, growing up as he did lying hadn’t been something he’d needed and at first, as a Phantom Thief it was simply easier to miss out a few details than it was to flat out lie; nearer the end of the year though, when he’d realised Akechi wanted to kill him, he’d gotten used to lying. Now he could apply those skills to here and now and not have to worry about anything falling flat.

Not that he liked lying to Ryuji but there was no way he could - or would for that matter- be explaining that he’d possibly traveled back in time by over six months on the subway of all the places in the world.

The tenth was important as well, because it was when he met Akechi for the first time. In essences it was the beginning of the end, to quote Tallyerand… for goodness sake he was still doing that? He’d picked up the habit from Akechi but he thought he’d dropped it by now. Old habits die hard, or rather refuse to die and become reborn he guessed.

… He’d woken up months in the past and was going to relive meeting a dead man.

--

wip list link

[miscielross]

I'm sorry if this is a dumb question, but what exactly is the premise of your Black Mask AU??? I only recently discovered your blog so maybe I haven't seen story stuff??? You mentioned Akechi saving Ren, so is it like Ren helping him with his jobs in the metaverse as thanks???? Well, either way, the interactions are hilarious and the artwork is adorable so I'm gonna keep checking them out (｡･ω･｡)ﾉ♡

...Actually what started the Black Mask AU was just me outting myself to shipping the Black Mask with Akira. Goro revealing himself as the Black Mask made me love him more, down to how ridiculous the BDSM pajamas looked and thinking his helmet and claws were really cool.... orz. Unfortunately, the cold psychotic part of Goro’s character was painfully short-lived and never brought up again in P5!vanilla. Furthermore, I can’t even bring up my interest with the Black Mask in the fandom because they’ll think I’m a murder-apologist obsessed with serial killers or something.

I really had no story for the Black Mask AU in the beginning because the first comic was only about Akira asking Black Mask how to kiss him, and the latter confused because how is he not terrified of his appearance?

After that, it’s really just Akira thirsting and pining hard for someone whose face he hasn’t seen once, the Black Mask’s inability to accept positive feedback and Goro’s continued disdain about the whole thing.

Then the P5 Anime saved my life because they showed the Black Mask early, and the second time, he was eating donuts effortlessly! /lol Also it was the only time ATLUS released the character reference sheets for the Black Mask. After that, I was able to have a basic story in mind--

The Black Mask AU is about Akira meeting the Black Mask in April instead of Ryuji and Morgana. Akira falls to Mementos during a train derailment and was stuck wandering there until the Black Mask found him and rescued him from the Reaper. Then Akira fell in love at first sight at him (/lol) but the Black Mask can’t kill him because he has the ability to talk to shadows and he needed the help he could get to travel deeper into Mementos. It’s a very incomplete story at the moment! /laugh

Thank you very much! I’ll tag the Black Mask comics for easier access next time.

[oddlybitter]

Another excerpt from upcoming Sporting Life chapter - Nothing Can Possibly Go Wrong

CW: Swearing, Abuse mention, Internalized Homophobia, Injury, Drinking, Child Abuse mention, Drinking mention.

please note that this does talk about trauma that both Akechi and Futaba have, so please keep that in mind as you read! it’s a little heavy. (if there is anything else you want me to tag, please let me know)

If one had to spare the details, Goro spent the next hour getting hammered on shitty vodka that tasted like candy. However, if one had a wealth of time on their hands, then the full story would reveal how he got drunk and a few more catalysts that would eventually add up to make the Worst Hangover Goro Akechi Would Get, Ever. 

It really started as he pushed off the wall, leaving Haru behind in a sea of people that he didn't really like, marching into any other room he could find. Somehow, Makoto's restraining wasn't enough to keep Ann from the party, and she waved at him as she expertly carried out the maneuver for a physically perfect kegstand. Her girlfriend watched on in disgust, admiration, and quite possibly (but inexplicably) attraction. 

"I'm very impressed. Mildly scared, but impressed." He said, watching Ann remove an arm and wave to someone in her gathering audience. 

Makoto took a long gulp of her beer, and nodded dismally. "Tell me about it. I have to deal with this when the party's over." 

The cheers reach a crescendo, and Ann, somehow coherent, did a little cartwheel onto her feet. "Yeah! Beat that, Iida-from-AP-chemistry!" 

Iida-from-AP-chemistry did not, in fact, beat that. 

Traipsing over to Makoto and Goro, Ann flicked her pigtails over her shoulder and scanned the linebacker's face with an eerie stare. "What's eating you?"

"Nothing is," He cleared his throat, encapsulating his next words with air  quotes, "'eating me.'" 

Shrugging, Ann made a noise of half-hearted agreement. "Fair enough, keep your cards close to your chest. Though some card games are played better with two, am I right?" 

Makoto rolled her eyes as Ann's face shifted into a mischievous smirk. "Ann..."

"What, babe? I'm just trying to help things along for our dear Joker." She said, nuzzling her face into the crook of Makoto's neck like a tired cat.  

Tired of her antics, Goro stormed through to the next room, the lights a different color than the others. It felt a little like walking through the layers of Hell. Still, he proceeded through all of them, looking for an empty one, taking a small bottle of alcohol as he went. 

Finding another wall to slump against and brood, Goro watched the glistening pool in the Takamaki's back yard, taking off the bottle cap with his teeth. The look on Haru's face as he left, the sound of the quiet whimper of fear from Futaba as she sat outside his door when he was upset, the way he felt when Akira fucking Kurusu looked at him through his eyelashes, all of them felt like consecutive punches to the gut. Goro's head hit the back of the wall with a dull thud, and through the darkness of the room, he could see the reflection of the water on the ceiling. 

After finishing off the bottle, Goro knew he should probably have given Futaba a message about how much fun he was not having. Futaba's chat icon stared up at him, a tiny cat in a frog hat, and the worst thing he could possibly think of doing was letting her hear his voice. He knew Shido didn't have an issue with alcohol, and he was more or less still coherent enough to pass as only slightly tipsy. It didn't help that on the night of his anniversaries with Wakaba and Goro's mother, Shido broke out the heavy bottles, and they sparkled like dangerous jewels behind the glass cabinet he kept locked. Slurring words and biting tones were all Futaba needed to hear to start shaking, twisting her shirt in her hands, and cowering away from any sharp movements. Goro had too many memories of applying bruise salve to her face, and on quite possibly the worst night of their lives, the dark, hand-shaped bruise that clasped around her neck. 

So instead of calling his sister, Goro spared the pain and texted her. 

"There you are." A voice called out, a tall silhouette standing in the doorway. "Was wondering where the introverts' room was." 

Goro snorted, knocking back another bottle and leaving it by the other one. Checking again, he found that yes, there were two bottles there. How he got his hands on that other one was beyond him, but the fact he was actually inebriated really sunk in then.

Walking into the cold light reflected from the pool, Akira walked over to him, a can of beer in one hand and the other tucked into his pocket. "Can I join you?" 

Waving his hand in indifference, Goro made a noncommittal noise. Sucking in a breath through his teeth, Akira crouched down next to him, poking his cheek.

"Yikes, you look like you could use some fresh air." He slid his shoulder underneath Goro's arm, pulling him to his feet. "There we go, up and at 'em, champ."

"Don't call me champ. It makes you sound old." Goro frowned, believing he could walk just fine without Akira's assistance, leaning away from him and opening the door to Ann's balcony. 

Placing a hand between his shoulder blades, Akira hissed sharply. "Shit, be careful. We don't need any casualties at a Takamaki party."

Rolling Akira's hand off his back, the linebacker gave him a sour look. "I'm perfectly capable of moving without your assistance."

"Looks like you sobered up enough to be smart-mouthed." The dark-haired boy snorted. 

Goro sighed, watching the rippling lines trace the underside of Akira's face, playing across his skin like liquid moonlight. His chest tightened painfully, and he looked away, instead choosing to run a hand through his hair. At one point, he was sure it was tied back, pulled out of his face, but it hung loose, just brushing his shoulders. Akira hummed a noise that Goro couldn't decipher the tone of. 

"Your hair," He stated, "it's long." 

Giving him a slow clap, Goro nodded. "Ever considered a job in, say, the detective business? They could use a sharp brain like yours." 

Akira laughed, somehow taking Goro's scathing insults like water to a duck's plumage. "I meant it in, like, a nice way. Long hair suits you. Makes you look pretty." 

The wry smile immediately fell from Goro's face, and he dug his nails into the palms of his hands. The way his chest was fluttering was simply, irrevocably wrong. There were rules he had to play by, and letting himself get swept up into Akira's charming whirlpool of "nice" was breaking every single one of them. 

"I probably need to cut it, then. Gets in the way, you know." He mused, ruffling the back of his head.

Suddenly realizing that Akira was close enough for Goro to smell the scent of his fruit-flavored beer, his fingers twisting through the longer strands of his hair, a hot flush crept up the back of his neck. Almost as if he was transfixed, Akira's hand stayed at the base of Goro's neck, the heel of his palm barely touching his jaw. Distractedly, Akira's grip tightened, and Goro sucked in a breath, leaning into the touch. 

As if struck by lightning, they sprung away from each other, attempting to regain their composure by leaning against the balcony railing. 

"Sorry," Akira muttered, taking a sip of his beer. 

Goro made a face. "What even is that? Smells like melted candy." 

A short laugh left Akira's lips. "Says the guy who inhaled two bottles of Ann's disgusting lime vodka." 

"Well, that's entirely the point," Goro explained, "it's disgusting, so obviously, I want more." 

Throwing his head back with laughter, the quarterback leaned his head on his hand. "That makes no sense whatsoever."

A beat of silence fell between them, the summer night's breeze running across Goro's skin like water. Guiltily, Akira turned around, leaning his  elbows on the railing, and giving Goro a look that read "sad puppy." 

"So, hate to bring this up again, but you and Haru, huh? You're really broken up?" He asked, training his eyes on the doors. 

Scowling, Goro gave him the iciest look he could muster. "Oh, of course. That's why you're here. Trying to make a good impression on your new conquest's ex? She's not a fucking vase, Kurusu. She doesn't need my  permission to do anything, much less my approval." 

Sighing, Akira ran a hand through his hair, a pained expression on his face.  "No, that's not why I'm here. It's not even why I brought you here. I wanted -" 

Anger flared like a snare drum in Goro's bones, and he snapped his head around to properly look at the dark-haired boy, clenching the railing of the balcony tightly. "That's all you do, isn't it? Want everything, ignore everything you already have, pretend that what you're asking for is trivial."

"That's not -" 

"You will never, ever understand," He finished, "that you already have everything." 

Neither of them spoke for a moment, and the only sound between them was the quiet whirring of the pool's chlorinator and the hollow sound of bass-boosted music. 

Breaking the silence with an equally fragile voice, Akira didn't even look at him. "I wanted to tell you that it was never about Haru. I'm sorry if that got mixed up, but honestly, I could never see her that way. I guess it backfired." 

"You fucking asshole." Goro hissed. "You really dislike me that much that you literally tear me away from -"

Rolling his eyes in exasperation, the quarterback turned on his heel, standing up straight. "If you would just let me finish speaking, you'd hear that I don't hate you! Not in the slightest." 

Helplessly lost, Goro pushed off the railing to stand in front of Akira, glaring furiously at his face. A mere inch separated them, and he could smell the sweet scent of that stupid beer on his breath. "Then what the hell do you think you're doing?" 

"For someone so smart, you're so fucking stupid." Akira breathed. 

Then, sliding his hands into Goro's hair, he cupped his face and leaned in, kissing him. 

[thejusticearcana]

Thank you @dvclis for tagging me!!

rules: name 10 favorite characters from 10 different things and then tag 10 people

You don’t need to give a description of your favourite characters like I did, I just felt like it! 

10. Kageyama Tobio (Haikyuu!!) 

I’ve always loved Kageyama from the first time I ever watched this anime back three and a half years ago. I connected the most to him out of all the boys because of his awkwardness and his bad temper.

9. Nishimiya Shouko (A Silent Voice)

Nishimiya is one of my favourite characters in any anime I’ve ever seen. Her strength and loyalty is so amazing. And her ability to forgive those around her who have hurt her in the past is so commendable. If you don’t get triggered by certain heavy and dark subjects, I suggest everyone should watch this beautiful film. 

8. Mikaela Hyakuya (Owari no Seraph)

What else can I say about this boy that I haven't already said on this account? He's easily one of the best characters in this manga and I think a lot of people would agree with me on that one. Then again, there are a ton of amazing characters in this story! I adored him from chapter one and still do to this day. 

7. Marshal (Animal Crossing) 

He’s an adorable, smug squirrel? Do I even need to say more that that? He’s so precious and if I need to spend hundreds of nookmiles tickets to get him, I will!

6. Prompto Argentum (Final Fantasy XV) 

Oh boy, I can’t even describe how much I love Prompto. I have a love hate relationship with FFVX. Always have, probably always will. However, despite my anger towards the games development or lack there of, I will always love Prompto. His cheerful, fun attitude, despite his backstory, is something that’ll always tug at my heartstrings. His adoration and loyalty for Noctis is another thing that I loved about this game. I’m glad we managed to get Prompto’s DLC before the story was basically discontinued. Can’t say the same for Noctis though... 

5. Goro Akechi (Persona 5)

This is a controversial one. If you haven’t played P5 and plan to, don’t read this part... 

In no way do I excuse his actions or am ok with what he did in vanilla P5 (I have yet to play Royal), however there was always something about his character that always interested me. I don’t know what that something is, but it’s there. His backstory and his reasonings to do the things he did were very sad and even though I’m not okay with what he did, he does make for a very interesting character. Especially when he’s around Joker. I don’t excuse his actions, but he's easily my favourite in the main cast of characters. 

4. Cloud Strife (Final Fantasy VII)

I played the original FFVII last summer, mostly so that I could compare it to the remake. I thought I loved him back then, but the remake only managed to make me adore him even more. For those who are new to the series and haven’t played the original, you will grow to appreciate Cloud even more. Not only as a character but as a protagonist. 

3. Felix Hugo Fraldarius (Fire Emblem: Three Houses)

I have a funny relationship with this boy. When I first started FE3H, I was determined not to like him. I can’t tell you why, I just didn’t want to like him. Maybe it was his mean attitude or the fact that most of the fandom was obsessed with him that made me not want to like him, but clearly that plan didn’t work out for me all too well. I fell for him almost instantly when I started the blue lions route. He may have a hard exterior, however there is a soft spot inside of Felix that I just adore. His backstory just really drove my love for him deeper. 

2. Prince Zuko (Avatar: The Last Airbender)

I needed to put Zuko on this list, because otherwise it wouldn't feel right. Like a lot of people, I use fiction as a coping mechanism to deal with hard situations or stressful days. Ever since I was little, I’d turn on Avatar as a way to unwind and forget my life, even if it’s only for twenty minutes of the day. Even now as someone who’s almost 19 years old, I still resort to this show as a way to feel better. Zuko is a character that I relate to probably the most on this list. He didn't have it easy. His relationship with his Father clouded his vision of what is right and wrong because he was desperate for Ozai to love him, to accept him. That is something that even at a young age, I related to heavily and unfortunately I think a lot of people can relate to that. 

1. Roxas (Kingdom Hearts)

This is a similar instance as Zuko. I grew up playing KH and it was always used as a coping mechanism for me, to escape from my life during my darkest times. However, kingdom hearts brought me more than an escape. It brought me to gaming. KH2 was the first game I ever beat on my own without my parents help, and I still remember as a little kid being confused by the plot, but despite that, absolutely adoring Roxas. It also brought me to fandoms. The first ever fanfiction I tried writing, I was twelve years old and it was KH. Thank goodness it’s not online or else I’d never live that one down... I love this boy with all my heart and I can't wait to see where this story takes him. 

Please don’t let him disappear Nomura. I know you like doing that, but please don’t. I swear to God. 

Again, no one needs to make massive descriptions like I did, I was just bored and wanted to type a bit! Anywhoo, I’ll tag: @framandi, @aeris-s and @vector-totheheavens

[personas-against-antis]

My experience with anti-ism and back

Inspired by @huntypastellance's interviews with ex-antis, I decided to post my own story of how I became an anti and how I got out.

My inbox and messages are open in case anyone has any questions or wants to say anything.

Apologies for any typos, my typing is not the greatest.

Names have been changed to protect my friends’ privacy and to prevent certain antis mentioned from coming after me again.

Where It All Started

So back in middle school I fell in love with an anime called Hetalia, about the interactions between anthropomorphized versions of various countries. I had been in fandom for a while (my first big fandom was Sonic, but that was before antis went mainstream), and I was a pretty big follower of "don't like, don't read/look". When I joined, I immediately latched on to the ship AmeCan, or America/Canada.

They were cute and it was my OTP for a long time. The only problem with AmeCan is that, by a large majority of the fandom, America and Canada were considered brothers. I personally didn't see them that way, I saw them as adopted brothers at most, and I was always pretty squicked out by shippy fanfics that depicted them as biological brothers. The ship itself was still pretty big in that fandom, so I ignored the haters and immersed myself in fanart and fanfic.

I met a girl at my school (let's call her Duchess) who also liked Hetalia and we quickly hit it off. We soon asked what each other's OTPs were.

Me: Oh, I ship AmeCan.

Duchess: ...

Me: What is it?

Duchess: You realize they're brothers, right?

Me: Oh, I don't see them that way because [insert reasoning that I don't want to have to explain to non-Hetalians, just know that I explained that I didn't see them as brothers.]

Duchess: But it's canon. They canonly see each other as brothers.

Me: Oh...

In hindsight, I probably should have asked what she meant by “it’s canon”. Either way, I began to drift away from AmeCan due to lack of interest, and towards other ships (Romerica and AmeBela), and then to other fandoms. She still remained one of my closest friends.

Down The Rabbit Hole

I began to get really into kawaii culture and browsed the tags pretty regularly. Over time, I came across CG/L content. It squicked me out at first, but due to some sort of bile fascination, I began browsing CG/L blogs and began learning about that subculture. I actually enjoyed it quite a lot, but I knew that it would be inappropriate for someone my age (around 13-14 years old) to participate in kink, so I kept my distance and admired it from afar.

Soon, Duchess brought it up at lunch.

Duchess: I really hate seeing DDGL stuff everywhere.

Me: Haha, yeah...

Duchess: I mean, It's practically pedophilia!

Me: Mhm...

That's what I had thought at first too, before researching it. But she kept talking about it.

Duchess: They're sexualizing children, and children's toys! It's so gross! I actually made a blog against it.

Me: Whoa, really?

Duchess showed me her anti-CGL blog and I quickly followed it because she was my friend, and slowly began to follow other anti-DDLG blogs as well, even making my own: rise-against-ddlg. I took it down due to lack of interest, but antis had already grown on tumblr, and I was torn between my "don't like, don't look" policy, and wanting to "help" survivors. So outwardly, I became an anti, while guiltily reading "problematic" fic and playing "problematic" games in secret.

One such problematic game was Yandere Simulator, and I began to browse those tags too, when I discovered another anti blog, this time against Yandere Simulator and Alex Mahan, a.k.a. Yandere Dev. I learned he was fairly homophobic, sexist, and transphobic, especially in his own private chatroom, and began to idolize that anti blog. Suddenly, they released an invitation to a Skype group chat. Eager to meet my heroes, I quickly applied and was approved.

The Group Chat Incident

I loved that chat. It started with 15 people, but slowly trickled down to nine, including myself. I found myself isolating myself away from my real life friends and family, too focused on the group chat, as they made dropping out of high school and staying online all day sound cool. I kissed up to them, desperate to be seen as a good person. But, soon, I began to question myself and the group. The mods were very against "problematic" content, like Killing Stalking, and NSFW depictions of minors, but were also quick to draw NSFW of minors (specifically Budo and Senpai from YS). I introduced them tot he game Boyfriend To Death, and one of them quickly latched on to the character of Rire, who brutally rapes the protagonist in game, despite them being against rape. The main mod even introduced the group to a game called Artificial Academy 2, in which you can rape others and be raped.

...There was a lot of rape and NSFW in that chat.

But, there was also a hierachy. At the top were the two main mods of that YS blog, Mod H and Mod J. Joining them at the top was a very cool person and a good artist who acted very much like an older sibling to all of us, Member M. Then, there were three more people who tended to kiss Mod H, Mod J, and Member M's asses, and at the bottom was me, my friend Foam, and Member C. Mod H was the ruler of that chat. Anything they said, went, and if you disagreed, they'd suddenly play victim, manipulating and gaslighting you into apologizing. They loved Dragon Age, and now that game has been forever tainted for me, considering how much they shoved it down my throat. They would also tease me and my interest in Persona 5 (saying that the protagonist looked like The Onceler, subsequently calling me a "Onceler Fucker" for finding him attractive, along with making fun of when my tongue slipped and pronounced "Goro" as "Gort"), only stopping when I had Foam address the group to tell them to stop. There was a livestream that I was really excited for, talking about it since it was announced and they seemed hyped for me as well. Only when I placed a rabb.it link in the chat so we could all watch, only Member C showed up. When I returned to that chat, they were watching Yuri On Ice, and they wouldn't even let me talk about my livestream.

During that time period, I created a group chat for me, Foam, and another internet friend I will call Emilia. I though Foam and Emilia would get along really well, so i formed a Skype chat with them, and allowed them to talk. Slowly though, me and Foam began to use that chat to bitch about the group chat behind their backs, because we were terrified of the backlash if we tried to criticize them to their faces, due to Mod H's tactics of avoiding conflict. We soon added Member C to the chat as well, after they were constantly getting dogpiled by the rest of the chat.

That December, the Bode meme was in full swing and Foam mentioned in the group chat that he didn't get it. The group chat immediately began to make fun of him and I, sick of letting them control our lives, stood up for him. The group chat just continued to dogpile and we continued to try and fight until Mod H eventually left the chat, in one of their methods to get us to apologize to them. I was feeling overwhelmed and also left, and Foam tried to surrender and tell the chat to stop, but they wouldn't let up and he left too. Member C was the only member we remained on good terms with who was still in the group chat.

I made a post on my blog saying that i didn't want to interact with those people anymore and they got mad and began to try and message me. I eventually messaged an official statement, citing their abuse of me and Foam, and blocked all of them across social media.

They created a fake blog to get around the block, and I was dumb enough to fall for it.

Member C even turned on us, revealing me and Foam's messages with her and claiming we were abusing and bullying them. Suffice to say, I cut off all contact with Member C and changed my main blog's URL.

I was harassed and stalked and I carried that fear of them looking at my blog for a long time. I still worry about it sometimes.

The worst part, in my opinion, was that I changed my own name that I had chosen for myself because it had become a trigger for me hearing them say it so many times. And I really, really loved that name.

There was so much hypocrisy, so much fear in that chat. Now, looking back, I wished I had never joined, but in those months after I left...I felt empty inside. Aimless.

Out of curiosity, I looked up cult behaviors, and that chat hit nearly every single one. It's scary looking back on it. Even writing this, over a year after I left, my heart hurts.

But even leaving a cultish group chat didn't knock me out of anti-ism.

Villain Ships and Past Revelations

Remember how I mentioned that I love Persona 5? Well, I ship a ship called ShuAke, which a very loud subset of people claim is abusive.

Spoilers for Persona 5 up ahead.

ShuAke is a ship between the protagonist (shujinko in Japanese, which is where the "shu" comes from) and Goro Akechi. I shipped ShuAke since before Goro's name was announced, when all we knew was his design. Goro turned out to be a detective hunting the Phantom Thieves, the protagonist's group. The cat and mouse aesthetic really suited my fancy, with the protagonist's thief alter ego, Joker, seducing the naive Detective Prince. Swoon.

Of course, the ship shattered when the game was released in Japan and it turns out Goro tried to kill the protagonist, was working for the bad guy, and betrayed the whole group.

I was shocked and essentially went through the five stages of grief. I was torn between abandoning the "abusive" ship and evil character...or ignoring the haters and shipping it anyway. After way too much debate, I chose the latter and stuck with it.

The anti-ism died down quickly due to a lot of the fandom hibernating until the English release, and I happily shipped ShuAke and supported Goro Akechi with little objection. Even when the game was released in English, I stood my ground and even argued in support of Goro with anons.

And yet, I still considered myself an anti.

Late May of last year, some repressed memories came to light. I had been sexually abused by a close family member and a few girls at camp when I was younger, with other fragmented and questionable memories in my brain. It put my past into light, as I had also had a self destructive habit of attempting to seduce older men online, due to low self esteem. That was not a fun week for me, and I found myself diving into dark fic, particularly rape fic, in order to make sense of it all. I even wrote some in an effort to just get it out of my brain.

And it worked. It was really therapeutic for me.

And yet...

I still considered myself an anti. Every word I read or wrote was mixed with guilt over what I was doing, even though it worked. While I'm still a sexual abuse survivor, as I always will be, I'm much more well-adjusted by participating in those dark activities, rather than wallowing in self pity and slipping into a depression, like my old group chat would have expected me to do.

I dropped anti-ism later, with the help of one blog.

Back to "DL,DR"

The blog @anti-anti-survivor was recommended to me, and anti!me, looking for a laugh, clicked on it...and soon found that pretty much everything they said made sense to me. I saw Mod h in the people they argued with, Member C in the people they called out...and I realized that I had never been an anti, just hiding behind that label.

I sent an anonymous message to them (though I guess it isn't so anonymous anymore, ha), thanking them for opening my mind to it, and created my own anti-anti blog. I realize I'm not very active on here, but, well, I'm lazy and I'm more of a reader than anything else.

And of course, there was another problem.

Antis are fucking everywhere.

I'm terrified of posting pro-shipping stuff on my main, and I'm terrified of admitting I like problematic ships. I'm in a Discord server that keeps spouting anti-kink and anti-ship stuff, and I have to keep my mouth shut or risk being banned, just because most of the time they're really nice. Duchess even messaged me one day, absolutely shocked that I admitted to shipping Shidge.

I'm happy now that I don't have to feel that guilt but, reading what antis do and then finding out that people I hang out with are antis...it's horrifying. I'm not a confrontational person. I never have been. But I'm sick of rolling over and accepting what everyone else deems is problematic fiction.

I'm mentally ill, a sexual abuse survivor, and dark fic and dark shipping helps me cope.

Deal with it.