#these long ass blog entires have made me realise how much i miss tumblr

[credulouscanidae]

i feel so endlessly frustrated at myself because i can see the patterns of my thoughts, know the logical and practical steps i need to take in order to fix them, and i just...cant do it. i acknowledge that these feelings cycle; im a sucker for nostalgia. i look at all of these things ive shared with my friends, all these memories and selfies and fun times, and i know i can have that again. and i know that i just look at these things and think that “things were better then”, because its so easy to trick yourself into thinking that when all youre seeing is a condensed collection of happy times. i think 2016. that was easily one of the worst years of my life, or at least the ones with the most changes. it was the 180 flip from child to adult, the year i lost so much of my identity, and gained a new one. i was mentally and physically a completely different person by the end of that year. and yet, i look through these photos tonight and see just how many jokes and fond memories i shared with my friends. maybe because i was 19/20, i still had that immaturity about me so i was able to let loose. maybe being isolated inside for 2+ months has made these selfies sting more. maybe i miss when we were all in school and not at work, when we could all plan get-togethers a little easier. idk.

but this wasnt meant to be a nostalgia rant, but its definitely triggered those thoughts.

because in all these group selfies i saw tonight i saw how insanely different i looked within a year. it was when i developed my starving-orientated disordered eating, it was when i came out as trans and so changed my hair and wardrobe. 2016 was fucking wild. and i saw glimpses of how i used to be, and how despite being in so much pain, that was the year i took a leap and finally did something for myself that would set me up for success, rather than failure. and i dont do that for myself often. and im prouod of younger me for doing that.

because it shows that, no matter how much pain i have continuously been in for almost my entire llife, that i can take steps to improving my life. even though coming out as trans is not the same as confronting trauma, i think living as a truer reflection of who i am has definitely helped me feel more comfortable and confident.

and i want to lose weight again, because the confidence i radiated at my peak ED/lowest weight was unmatched to antyhing ive ever felt before. Ive gained a bit of the weight back (which funny enough since being on hrt i still look different/different weight distribution), but i want to lose it again in a healthy way. and i know i have to get out of my feedback loops and actualy work for it, as hard as fuck as it may be.

i dunno man. im nearly 24. i know thats still 6 years left of my 20s, but if ive learned anything from the past few years, its that they go by fast and i will be pushing 30 before i know it. and i dont want to be fucking 30 years old and still not have worked myself out. i mean, its ok if me or others havent, but i just. i dont know. i dont want to turn 30 and say “aha cool thats 20 years i have been extremely suicidal and self harming and full of trauma and brain rot”

which is why, as hard as it is, im really trrying to get the ball rolling on geting diagnosed with whatever-the-fuck-i-have. getting the ball rolling for me has taken ...well...ive received it, convinced myself its not worth it, and stop it. i cant keep running away from help. its discouraging when your professional is a bit shit so. idk. i know ya gotta keep trying. 

i need to start an exercise routine, just doing my daily walks again would help so much, because my body is in so much pain from a sedentary lifestyle. 

the most ive done is actually start drawing daily, which was previously really hard for me to do. im proud of myself for that. i want to release my webcomic, i want to consistently do commissions, and i cant do any of my artistic goals with my previous workflow i only have just managed to improve on.

and thats the hardest thing about being mentally ill. you have to put more effort in to survive, the odds are stacked against you, and you have to set up and stick to methods that’ll help, even though that means fighting against symptoms that discourage and impact u so severely. and it also means some days you cant fight it, and you have to give up. relapse happens. im just tired OF it happening.

though, i thankfully feel different. as a teen, i felt there was no way out besides suicide, as a fresh adult i realized there is hope, and i have ambitions and something to give to this world, but i was still very suicidal, and still lived wallowing and unable to get out. but as a young adult, i know i have to set up my life now to pave the path for the future. ive always been screaming for a release,and that release used to be suicide. now? my release is mental wellness. and fuck, its the much harder path to take. bpd, cptsd, whatever, it rots my brain and drags me down and makes me act on bad habits and behaviours, but dammit. one day im going to get that release.

maybe not all of it, maybe not till im 40.

but one day.

im going to look back and see how i am now as how i used to be, not what i still am.

maybe one day i’ll experience that release..

[illfoandillfie]

Impersonal

As promised, here’s the smutty followup to yesterday’s blurb! This is the fifth post of seven in my Platonically themed event. Again, it’s not really been edited because it’s late and I’m very tired but alas, thats how it goes. 

Words: 2,278

Warning: some vague dom/sub dynamic stuff with a more dom Ben, spanking, it’s P in V sex but theres a lot of talk about butts. Also they’re still dorks. 

It had been a nice day. You and Ben had gone out with a few friends, just a little picnic in the park to catch up with everyone. If you’d been at all worried about publicly being together on a no romo day, then it was for nothing. As much as everyone there considered you and Ben to be an item, it mostly went ignored, aside from a couple of questions about how you’d gone living together so far. But having such a big lunch, everyone having brought something to share, neither of you were especially hungry at dinner time. Ben whipped up a pot of butted noodles for you to pick at as you watched TV but it was soon set aside as you shifted to lean against the arm rest with your legs stretched out to lay over Ben’s thighs. Each of you were engrossed in your phones more than the quiz show he’d flicked on, occasionally sharing something you saw or read.  

You had opened tumblr and were scrolling through your dash, pausing to read longer bits here and there but mostly just liking images and reblogging memes. Until you hit a patch of not safe for work content. One of the porn blogs you’d long since forgotten you’d followed had hit a rare patch of activity, every second post one of theirs. Those posts you paid a little more attention to, especially when videos and explicit images were involved since you knew they were likely to be taken down soon and you didn’t want to miss out on seeing something hot. Unfortunately your headphones were in another room so you weren’t game to turn the sound on for any of the videos but the visuals and erotic comments below were enough to make you feel as if the room as heated up. You could feel yourself getting wetter at each new post but couldn’t seem to stop looking at them.  

A particularly good video of a sloppy blowjob made you clench your thighs together, your foot rubbing against Ben’s thigh as a result. His palm came to rest on the top of your foot, rubbing it soothingly, though his attention was still elsewhere. In fact, his gaze didn’t shift until a little later when you were looking at a very hot gifset of a woman on all fours, crying as she was pounded from behind. He cleared his throat. You jolted a little at the sound and tried not to look too guilty as you met his eye.   “You okay?” “Mmhmm,” His eyes travelled over you from the lip between your teeth to your tightly pressed thighs and your fingers wrapped firmly around the phone.   “I don’t mean to interrupt,” he said, clearly meaning to do exactly that, “but ummmm, are you watching porn right now?” “No,” you answered too quickly. “Hey, you don’t have to hide it if you are, go nuts. I’m just a little curious about what’s turned you on so much you’re practically panting. And can I help?” “I’m not watching anything. It’s just some gifs I saw.” “Well I think QPR law states you have to show me or you’d be a big meanie.” You chuckled and handed the phone to Ben, a little curious about how he’d react.   Ben watched the gifs through a couple of times before nodding, “Yeah, that’s uhhh, that’s pretty hot,” he rubbed your foot again as he kept watching the looped footage. “Are you turned on?” “Yeah, a bit,” “Hmmm, same.” “Should we-” “Do you wanna-” You spoke at the same time and then both laughed a little as you simultaneously agreed, “Yeah.” Immediately you swung your legs around intending to walk towards the bedroom and Ben followed for about two steps before he stopped suddenly, “Wait. This is a no romo day, right? Do you still feel anti-romance?” “Yes and yeah I think so. Why?” Ben shrugged, “I don’t think we’ve ever had sex on a no romo day so...how does it work?” “Oh, good point. Well.” you wanted to keep it brief, already worked up and wanting to move to the fun part, “I think it’s probably best if we keep it on kind of the rougher side, a little impersonal even. Could you maybe hit it from behind? I’m not really sure eye contact and all that stuff would be as fun for me right now.” “No need to ask twice. My hot partner wants me to look at her gorgeous arse while I fuck her? Yeah definitely into that.” “Jesus I’d forgotten you’re an arse man.” It was true too. As much as Ben might prefer ass to tits he also enjoyed the visual stimulation of watching you ��� seeing the pleasure on your face, watching your body react to his. So, while doggy style was a regular position for you, variations of missionary and cowgirl were probably a little more frequent. Which was wonderful, except not what you needed right then. Ben responded by poking his tongue out you but he seemed quite as eager to move things along, “So rough doggy then? Can I spank you?” “You’d be into that?” He shrugged, “I know we haven’t really done anything kinky yet but yeah, I enjoy spanking. I mean...watching an arse jiggle after it’s hit is incredibly hot.” You giggled, “spanking is very okay then. You could be a little mean too if you wanted, maybe calling me a degrading name to get at that impersonal thing. Slut maybe.” He hummed uncertainly, “I can try it if you really want but I gotta admit I’m not as into degrading stuff as I am spanking.” “It’s fine if you don’t, whatever works. Honestly, I’m already super horny so just do whatever you’re comfortable with and don’t get too gentle or loving with it, and I’ll be happy.” “I can definitely do rough for you. For instance,” You gasped as Ben grasped your hips and turned you around, positioning you in front of the arm of the couch before he pushed you to bend over it. It was a surprise considering Ben’s typical nature. He had his controlling or domineering moments but generally seemed happiest when he was showering you in affection or letting you take charge. Adding to the surprise was the way he tugged your pants down to your knees and began to touch you through your underwear. It made you squirm, trying to find a little more friction, but he only gave you a quick spank. Not overly hard but it didn’t have to be to make you feel tingly. Just knowing Ben was capable of an action like that was hot enough. All the same he pulled your knickers down too and ran his fingers through your folds.   “Wow, okay. You meant it when you said you were horny. Pretty wet already.” “No shit Sherlock. You know I don’t need lines like that that get you interested in fucking me.” He gave you another slap for your insolence.   “Better get you stretched out then, hadn’t we?” You felt two of Ben’s fingers rest against your entrance and expected to feel them sink into you too. But it didn’t happen.   “What’s the hold up, Tiger? Ow,” the spank had been a little harder than the last.   “If you want them so bad, do it yourself.” Your breath caught as you realised what he meant and you shifted your hips back, levering yourself against the arm of the couch, until you felt his fingers penetrate you.   “That’s it Kitten. You’re too horny to wait, aren’t you? God you’ve got such a pretty arse. Giving me the best view right now. Your needy cunt soaking my fingers while your arse,” he hit you again, “jiggles. It’s making me so hard.” You whined, unable to find a better response, and rocked back against his fingers, slowly fucking yourself on them.   He let you go on like that for a little while, happy to listen to your hitched breaths and needy sighs as you got a little of what you needed. But then he pulled his fingers from you. You let out a disappointed whimper, “Ben, c’mon,” “I’m so hard from watching you be so desperate. Just gotta get my pants off. But you can play with yourself for me, can’t you?” You nodded and shifted so you could drop your fingers to your pussy. Ben gave your arse another slap, “Not what I meant Kitten. Play with your arse.” Startled by the low growl in his voice you quickly complied, leaning on the couch as your brought both hands up to grab your arse cheeks, squeezing them and pulling them apart to better show off your holes.” “That’s very good, Kitten. Spank yourself.” It wasn’t the same as when Ben spanked you since you knew what was coming and the position didn’t allow you to get as much force into your hits as he could. But it was definitely arousing and it definitely seemed to work for Ben. You’d barely registered the sound of his pants dropping before he was sliding into your wet and waiting cunt.   “I can take it from here,” Ben’s hands replaced yours, groping your arse as you dropped your arms back to the couch, though you felt it was useless to try and prop yourself up on them. It would only be a matter of time before you collapsed entirely.  

At first he kept the pace slower, letting you adjust to him, though each thrust was forceful, just as you’d asked it to be. But gradually Ben sped up, hands still playing with your cheeks, sometimes grabbing and sometimes spanking them. He tried to say more about how hot it was to take you like that but his own breath was escaping him as the words seemed to be. So he let his body talk for him as he pounded your cunt and dug his fingers into your flesh.   And then he pulled out.   You were on the verge of asking him who the fuck he thought he was when he said, “one second. Just want to try something.” and then, remembering he was meant to be acting mean, added, “And you just want me to keep fucking you, so you’re not going to complain.” In a disgruntled daze you let Ben help you up onto the back of the couch so that one leg was bent to lean against the arm he’d just had you bent over and the other dangled towards the floor. It took a little more adjustment before Ben was happy. First pulling you back towards him and the corner of the couch, and then pressing you to lean forward so your hips were raised and he could better access your pussy. You had to grab onto the back of the couch for support, digging your fingertips into the leather as Ben resumed fucking you.   The angle had changed a little and the position was slightly more awkward to maintain but it was worth it for the way your clit rubbed against the smooth leather, leaving a trail of wetness behind. Each thrust rocked your hips in such a way that you quickly found yourself getting close to release.

That, however, seemed to be Ben’s plan as he began telling you how good you were going to make him feel when he made you cum. “I know you’re close Kitten. So just cum. I want to feel your cunt on me when you do.” He lay another few spanks to your arse cheeks and that tipped you over into your orgasm.   But Ben didn’t stop.   “I th-think you can do bett-er than that,” he grit out as you clenched around him and he seemed to thrust twice as hard as he had before, “You were so,”   You grunted as he plowed into you. “So desperate before. So you can cum better than that. Right kitten?” You nodded and gasped out a, “Yes” as your arms shook with how hard Ben was fucking you.   But he didn’t relent. He kept going until he felt you tighten again and heard you moan, nearly sobbing as relief flooded your system.   That seemed to be enough for Ben and he let himself go too, holding your hip tightly as he pressed deep into you.  

Ben leaned his forehead against your back as he tried to regain his regular breathing rate and gave you a quick kiss there before he righted himself and helped you to dismount the couch. The evidence of your orgasms was still smeared across the leather but neither of you paid it any attention.   “Sorry I never called you a slut or anything,” Ben said with a slightly self-conscious chuckle, avoiding your eye as he hitched his pants back into place. “I just like Kitten better.” “Don’t be,” you said mirroring his actions to looking at him, “Kitten worked perfectly. Also, that was really good. Maybe you could be rough and mean more often?” “The double orgasm was a pretty good indication that it worked for you,” “Of shut up, I was being serious. It was really hot.” “Yes but I like teasing you, remember,” “Prick.” “That hurts,” he said with a fake gasp and a hand against his chest, “Keep talking like that and I’ll have to spank you again,” “Ha ha, very funny. Tease me all you want but we both you enjoyed it as much as I did.” “Maybe I did.” he conceded, “but I wasn’t going to hate it when I was watching your arse.” “Alright, you perv. Was there any leftover noodles? Bit peckish now.” “Yeah, in the fridge. Grab me some too would you?”

[sui-senka]

The dumbest post

I think y’all should be here to witness the dumbest post I’ll ever make, as I’m not all about getting into discourse and that, and any other self-identifying Vergil lovers please come here:

@creepyscritches, @brasspetalsx, @fandomhell97, @breezeinmonochromenight, @kaldea88, @xalmasyx, @hornyangrybean, @noir-sorrow, @catspook, @xenontrioxide, @zilla-may-cry, @boobble, @vergilshusband, @tifaroni, @littlebluewraith, @im-a-clown, @genovaempera, @neodicronus, @thelessiknowtheworse, @thriilsy, @jestermania, @bunny-girl-sweetseek, @darka3363, @witchkiid, @45, @manadebutt, @magsamaire, @spaghetti-queerghetti, @clairexredfields, @204863-yunglynn, @yuri-subtext, @miss-soso-25, @josuke-kujo, @cameguisada, @trionfi, @glitteryhumanfiretrash, @lewdbunbun, @journalofsparda, @complacentdevil, @infernokid, @emogodmatthew, @brit-o-raptor, @salsa-and-chips, @gemstone-enema

I’d like y’all to bear witness, as I take down this bitch-ass clown. As I’ve blocked the person in question that I want to call out - please tag them into this post to have at them ;) Also - to the other people that didn’t get this, tag your mutuals and get them here.

I’d also like to announce that @thephantomporg84 is now masquerading as @derelict-stranger, and I got a few messages a few days ago about how she was gonna take down her account, and how she wants me to block all of you, which is ridiculous as you are all blogs that I have known and followed way before her and also I don’t know you either. I told her that I didn’t want to be involved in her drama, but here I am. 

It’s kinda hard for me to make this post, as I genuinely thought that she was cool in the beginning - she helped to give me more DMC asks in my inbox, and she always reblogged my stuff, as I’ve been trying to make it with the big guys - like @myfairmidnightladyspade.

But I saw the stuff that she says online to you all, and I think I got some anon messages from her asking if I was a terf or not... and yeah - my heart broke. I feel like I have been deceived in some way. What I wanted to be there was someone who was cool, and funny to talk to, but turns out that person is petty, heartless, immature and straight up spiteful.

I may have to justify myself in why I got messages from her - I was only trying to console her, but to do it in a neutral way as I wanted no part in her drama.

Also - i’m probably not gonna show any evidence for how much she sucks cause there’s tags and anon posts dedicated to that sort of thing

I want you on tumblr, and you on Reddit to find her, and in the /v/ section of 4chan to block her and report her for all she’s done. I want you to wipe her existence from the internet until there is nothing left.

Now - I need to change the flow of the conversation by directing it to you, @derelict-stranger.

I’d like you to kindly log off, take a breather and think, for a second about the actions that you’ve done to the people that I’ve mentioned above. 

I’d also like to tell you that your suggestion to block all those people above is complete nonsense. Why would you make me block blogs who have perfectly decent and awesome content, and to those who I have talked to longer than you? why would you make me block blogs who I don’t know? Quit trying to get me on your side. I want no part in your drama like I said before, and stop trying to manipulate me into getting me to give a shit about you.

I’d also like to tell you that your situation is entirely self-inflicted. That you trying to talk to me won’t work, the only reason that people are apparently “attacking you” - is because you, in fact, are the instigator, are the catalyst of all this hatred.

You - @derelict-stranger, lack any ability whatsoever to disagree well. From where I’m looking, all of this started because you don’t like Vergil from the Devil May Cry games and you don’t like the plot of 5, which seems extremely stupid to me, as he’s only a small-ish part of 1, one of the best boss-fights in 3 and just a mere mention in 4. The fact that you need to incessantly attack content creators who merely like him is stupid. Either keep those opinions to yourself, ignore them, or do my favourite -> stick ‘em up your big stupid ass.

It’s also stupid that when people merely like him - you have to bring in your own shitty opinions. No one asked you what you thought, and I’m pretty sure you’re actively seeking out fights with people just to feel good about yourself. It’s also super hypocritical of you ragging on about how much Vergil sucks, when you go crazy for Kylo Ren, as they share some similarities in terms of their vibes and traits. (Yeah - I see you asking for smutty Kylo Ren x Reader requests online.....) Why do you get pissy when people like villainous fictional characters - do your knickers

What I just want to know is what kind of personal gratification you get when you actively hate on a character, and what kind of gratification you get when just because someone disagrees with you - that you have to result using death threats, rape threats, pedophilia threats, racism, slurs, and ableism,  transphobia, alt-right rhetoric, neo-Nazi shit, pro-Trump, and homophobic comments to content creators just doin’ their own thing. Is it just to feel like the bigger man, is it to make yourself sound smarter than the other person (Cause you don’t) - like what actually motivates you, what actually makes you want to shit on other people’s parades, huh? Sounds to me like you need to get a life.

The fact that you always need to play the victim is sad and pathetic too:

- That you’re on the spectrum: - Okay, there are a lot of people who are on the spectrum here on tumblr. But they don’t use it as an excuse to justify shitty behaviour especially if it’s unitentional. as I’m sure they and the people they know are. I’m sure they apologise and try to get on with life like how NT people do. As you know - a lot of people of the spectrum feel like they’re being treated as sub-human being babies that do nothing but screech all the time, and they’re taking action to change those perceptions. Your behaviours are not helping their cause.

- That you use depression as an excuse - I’m kinda sympathetic to the whole mental health issues thing. I have them too. In fact, I am a hot mess. But I don’t use that to excuse me hurting other people with intention, and I’m sure many others don’t either. At least 1/4 or 1/3 will have some mental health issues in their life, and yeah, it sucks, and it’s common but it doesn’t make them exempt from them being called out on their shitty acts. the fact that so many people are and can be mentally ill doesn’t make you special, and it doesn’t give you a free pass to attack others.

- The fact that you try to bait people into making anti-semitic comments, so you can call them anti-semitic. Dude, that’s low. I’m pretty sure that’s gaslighting and manipulation as well. You don’t get the right to use your religion/race in that way as a defence when you’re feeling attacked so that you come off a better person. I’m friends with many jewish people, and they’d never have the gall to do that. I know that your peeople have had it rough, but you can’t use that in an argument just to prove that the other one is a piece of shit, when it is in fact you. I’m muslim, a WOC, and ancestrally speaking, from a country that your so-beloved president essentially banned their right to seek a better life in the states. For as long as I can remember - I’ve seen news about my kind being universally hated, I’ve been brought up in a post-9/11 world where for as long as I can remember that me and our kind are the enemy (so I can sympathise) - but you don’t see me and other muslims here using those petty tactics that you use, because unlike you, we’re not myopic and we know that won’t get us anywhere.

I mean, this behaviour sounds bratty and childish - so I was thinking, she’ll probably grow out of it. Then I find that you’re in you’re mid-twenties, and I think “you really haven’t grown up at all, have you?”, and honestly it just makes the behaviour worse as you are resulting to middle school/high school tactics -> especially making me block all those people, calling them sociopaths and evil bitches. This ain’t high school or Mean Girls, moron, this is a fandom. A place where people can create, share, like and comment on content that makes you happy. I don’t think you understand what that means - cause all I see, and everyone sees is you spewing hatred everywhere. Fandoms are supposed to make you feel included, feel happy, feel safe, be a place to make friends. I don’t think you know that, and I don’t think you are even smart enough to realise that you are the reason why our fandom isn’t happy.

And honestly, at this point, the hatred you are getting is well deserved. You deserve to feel like shit if all you are going to do is make others feel like shit.

I don’t know what else to say but:

1. Get the hell away from our fandom

2. Get rid of your internet connection.

3. Get a life.

4. We don’t want you here.

5. You’re scum.

6. Go suck a dick, or flick a bean, whatever gets you off you troglodyte.

I liked you man, I really did. Then I saw how you treat others, and now I know I made a dumb life choice in making friends with you. If only you weren’t such a piece of shit, we could have been good friends.

I don’t want you here on tumblr. They don’t want you here. No-one wants or needs a toxic parasite like you on this website.

Yours sincerely,

sui-senka, who just sucked Vergil’s dick yesterday, and liked it.

[minttexs]

Let’s do a recap of the year

Soooo… I don’t know why I got sentimental all of a sudden but don’t question me xD. I just wanted to take the time and talk about some things, which are quite personal to me. Feelings I had this year.

WARNING: DEPRESSING AF, suicidal talk and quick review of my depressed ass so it could be triggering for some, but istg there’s some cute stuff as well at the end xD

I am not going to lie, 2017 has been a rough year for many people. It felt like an eternety to get through the year. Some things still hurts, some are faded already.

But let’s not focus on the negative things. Because a lot of happy things happened as well, that should not be overshadowed by the bad. :)

Speaking as an ARMY, I was really proud of ourselves. We always get comments about how much of a bad fandom we are, but I was really proud. We made Billboard happen, we made the Daesangs happen, we made the AMAs happen, we broke the records. :) WE made it. Together. And I am really happy I could be a part of that journey because our boys deserved all the love and praise they were showered with. I am really happy ARMYs. Good job everyone! :) 

And as for the blog it had its ups and downs as well. Most of the downs came from my side. xD I feel bad sometimes that people have to put up with my annoying and depressic ass. xD But I’ve had a rought year. The beginning of the year I lost my uncle, and during the time being of my mourning my mind led me to places I’ve not been in a long time. My class had a big pressure on during this spring and I didn’t have a good relationship with my classmates that time, so I felt really lonely.

And I lost a friend of mine. We were friends for 11 years, and we had our rocky road, but I felt we would always have each other. This year turned out to be different though. She had her own struggles which she expected me to solve, and I ignored her because I couldn’t even solve my own… We were both selfish and craved for the others attention which we didn’t give, and felt like we suffocated each other. I decided that maybe we should give this friendship a break. But she felt I decided alone, and she wanted to start over like nothing happened, promising it will be different. But it wasn’t. So we drifted apart, I think further than I would have wanted it to go… I felt really bad. And started to question everything I do. I wasn’t sure of anything I was doing. I started to question the friendships and relationships I had with others. I felt like everyone hated me, and no one cared. I felt no one really wanted me there. I was just a temporary solution to their life. I still feel that quite often to be honest… I was lost. I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t pretty enough. I wasn’t smart enough. I wasn’t special enough. I wasn’t kind enough. I wasn’t enough. And I wanted to not be there. Just disappear from all of this. To stop that inner pain I had inside. That emptiness I felt inside. No matter where I looked I felt like I shouldn’t be there, I am just bothersome to them. And if I told my worries they sushed me that it is only in my head. That I tell myself these things because I want attention. That I am an attention whore who wants to play the victim, whilst I should be thinking about the things I have done wrong. And it kind of reassured me that I don’t belong here. I shouldn’t be here.

I really thought about killing myself. I was taking painkillers because I had horrible headaches. And one of the many nights I was silently crying in my room at 1 am, I looked at the box of painkillers. The idea seemed so close yet so far away. It seemed… so easy. Taking the entire box in one go, there could be 2 ways out. I either choke on them, or die from the pills, the end is the same. I was insane, I thought ‘well I’m using them right because I want the pain to go away’. Then I realised what I was doing and it felt like an instant cold shower. I was so scared, I was scared of myself, scared of what I was doing, that I could not have gone this low in my life.

Then things started to hit me one by one. I swept all of this under the bed, and tried to forget till one day senior prom came. We had to send in baby pictures of ourselves, for the show, and I told I had a hard time choosing, but I knew which I wanted to have. The scenario of the picture doesn’t even matter. The way I am is the main element. I was smiling. And I never saw a kid that happy than I was in that picture. I never saw myself that happy. She was so happy. She was happy, even though she was bullied for the way she looked, she was happy even though she felt like she was not loved. But she was happy because she had the hope that tomorrow will be better. Next year will be better, She was the little girl I want to be again. The little girl with all the big dreams she had. That she will make people laugh. She will make people happy. She will show them that she’s more than this and that. That little girl wanted to kick ass, and looking at that pic I started crying. The things I kept telling myself echoed in my head, and I felt worse by each sentence. The little me would be disappointed. Would you tell your young self, that when you grow up you’ll be depressed and sad all the time? That you will question everything you do or say? That you will feel like no one loves you? That you will feel like you should die? No. You don’t say this to a kid. You tell a kid that they’ll the most beautiful thing on Earth. That they will be really happy. They will make all of their dreams come true. They will be loved. And I realised… that’s what I should have been telling myself. Instead of telling how ugly I was, I should have said how beautiful I was even though I cried my eyes before. Because I wouldn’t tell my young self that she was ugly, she was worthless, she was hated, she was not loved. Because I loved her, more than anything. And honestly when Jonghyun died… I realised it needs to come to an end. It can’t go on like this… So many people looked up to him, he was surrounded by so many people who loved him with all their heart. And just to think about that he felt alone. Someone so loved, felt alone. Felt like he won’t be missed because no one cared. And it sounds too selfish, but I don’t want to end up like that. Because he is missed. A lot. And I know I would be missed too. Because my friend would miss her deskmate. Because my little dongsaeng would thing she didn’t pay enough attention to me. Because my penfriend would think it’s because she didn’t answer. Because my squad would think they were selfish to realise how bad I needed them. Because my bestie would think it’s karma on her for being a bad friend to me. Because my grandma would be sad she won’t have anyone now that me and grandpa are dead. Because my dad would think he abadoned me that’s why. Because my brother and mom would think it’s their fault. I would miss out on all my dreams. And I still want to kick ass and show who I am. I don’t want to be remembered for being sad. I want to be remembered for being happy. For making people laugh. For making feel others happy. For pursuing my dreams. For being a writer. For being a better me.

So I decided to put on an end to this. I don’t want to daydream what it would be like to be beautiful and feel happy. I want that. I want to feel beautiful, I want to be happy. I want to laugh till my stomach hurts. I want to do things that I don’t look back with regret.

I’m still struggling, and I have bad days. But I want to be better. I want to be ‘okay’. As I said. I want to be a better me.

And for those who are struggling with simmilar things. Don’t feel you’re alone. Don’t feel you’re hated. Don’t feel like no one would care. I know it’s easier said than done. But I am here. You’re not alone. You’re loved. And people care. I love you. And I care. Please know that. The world would be missing out if you weren’t be with us today. :)

Phew I feel like a rock has been lifted up my shoulders. So I think I am officially over with the depressing shit, now we can move onto the more fluffy stuff.

LIKE OH MY GAWD WE HIT 2226 FOLLOWERS. *-* I’m like SHOOKETH. Like seriously I am so like wow, that is a lot of people. And thank you guys so so so much for being here with me. Even when I was lethargic and annoying you guys sticked by me and I am really greatful for it. You guys are really amazing even with your likes and reblogs, you guys make my day better. I can’t express it enough how big part of my life is on Tumblr with you guys. And I just feel blessed to have you guys here with me. We have been a lot of stories and scenarios and I can’t wait to share more with you guys. I hope 2018 will be a better year for us.

And I hope it will be filled full of adventures, fun and happy time. I hope every single one of you who read this will have a wonderful and a better year ahead of you.

Stay healthy, stay happy.

Let’s hold hands together next year as well, and make beautiful things happen. Because teamwork makes the dream work. :)

Goodbye 2017.

Hello 2018.

[ohkinney]

thank you thank you thank you

So I just reached my next thousand and I am.... speechless. This is CRAZY. I made this blog in 2012 and all I wanted to do was express my love for this show through my gifsets and posts. It was definitely much smaller than any other fandom I had ever been in at the time but I think that’s also what made me feel so welcome.

There were some people I ended up talking to and becoming friends with but some that I never talked to and just simply admired. A lot of these blogs are inactive now but every single one of them has made me what I am today. I figured I should show my appreciation for a majority of these people. I will DEFINITELY miss out on a few people because the list is, believe it or not, quite long despite the size of the fandom. Anyway, here I go! (this is in no particular order btw)

I’m gonna start with @kinneysexual. Oh my goodness. Where do I even begin with Cami? When I joined the fandom, I think you were probably the most popular qaf blog/giffer (well you were to me, anyway). I was SO inspired by all your wonderful and unique gifsets and I’m pretty sure I would just stare and stare at them for hours when I could. I’m not kidding, I was so so so impressed and in awe of your talent and ideas. I don’t think we ever talked privately but anytime you reblogged one of my sets or mentioned me in a post, I would just DIE of happiness because you were honestly my QUEEN hahahaha. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have gone on a massive giffing spree when I made this blog. Thank you.

@kinneys. What the hell would I have done without your BEAUTIFUL qaf edits? I ain’t playing, y’all. Alice would take a few screencaps from the most difficult show to colour, put them together and turn them into ART. FUCKING ART. HOW???? I JUST DON’T KNOW TO THIS DAY. THANK YOU for making the show look a million times prettier than it actually is. Your skill also inspired me to edit even though I was never and will never be as talented as you are. Thank you.

@kinneyism. You are absolutely brilliant. In a way, your gifs are DECEIVING because you look at them and you’re like “wow! this show looks nice! It seems like the type of show that wouldn’t be complete torture to colour!” Well NOPE. YOU JUST HAVE MAGIC POWERS. I’m not kidding, while you inspired me to make gifs, I also felt extremely intimidated by you and would sometimes think well, what was the point of even trying to make gifs when art like yours already existed. But I pushed myself anyway and I never ever would have without your help! Thank you. 

@bottomvich. Another amazing, talented person. You were one of my biggest inspirations in this fandom. I don’t know what else to say other than thank you for blessing us with your gifs and edits. Your edits were gorgeous enough and then you gave us A LOT gifsets and just wow. I’m glad that I found your blog and that you were one of the people I really looked up to. Thank you. (also I’m pretty sure I’ve reblogged every single one of your qaf edits)

@celebrate-the-victories. SARAH!!!!! This is super cute ok but I did a lil bit of research and I’m pretty sure this is the first post of yours that I reblogged. So basically in four years, the tags I leave on your sets are still exactly the same??? Why am I not surprised????? OKAY MOVING ON TO THE MUSHY MESSAGE. Your blog REALLY stuck out to me. I was mostly seeing these really great Brian/Justin edits and I loved them but YOU. You posted these GORGEOUS gifsets of Ted/Blake, sets of them I had never seen giffed before and coloured with such a distinct style that made my heart warm. I was so happy that I found your blog and I’m so so so damn happy that you’re one of the few I followed at the start and are still active in the fandom and still posting these unique Ted/Blake sets that make me wanna die. NEVER EVER CHANGE. You are truly wonderful. Thank you. And I lowkey always wanted to be your friend BAHAHAH but I don’t think I ever actually reached out to you. GURL LOOK AT US NOW, CALLIN EACH OTHER BY NAME IN TAGS AND POSTS. 2012 ME WOULDA BEEN SCREAMIN (2017 me is still screaming what am i talking about) 

@xchelspaige​. Chelsee! You were one of the first blogs I followed, I think. And I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again. Your gifs have always been gorgeous to me. But following you for this long, I witnessed your gifs getting better and better, prettier and prettier. The fact that you’re still making and posting your beautiful gifs l just.... This fandom is so lucky to have someone as nice and talented as you in it. Thank you. 

@queerasfcuk​. Okay, wow. I don’t know how to put this... You have made some of the BEST gifsets I have ever seen for this show. Oh my goodness. Your talent and creativity BLOWS MY MIND. All your sets have thousands of notes but you deserve millions! You were one of the blogs that both inspired me and intimidated me! I love everything about your gifs from the font you use, the way you sharpen them, their speed, the colouring, EVERYTHING. Can we all take a moment to appreciate these ICONIC gifsets though???: x x x. I appreciate all the effort you put into creating sets like those, I know I couldn’t do it. I can’t even tell you how much you really inspired me. Thank you.

 @ksica​. ONE WORD: HOW??!?! Just the other day, I was stalking my own blog (LMAO) and in one page, I reblogged a bunch of your qaf sets in a row and holy wow.... You have the most distinct colouring style on this entire site, I think? I’ll see a gorgeous and vibrant set and I’ll just know it’s yours. I don’t remember if I initially followed you for doctor who or queer as folk but damn I’m pretty sure you can colour ANYTHING. You are sosososososoososososo talented and I wish my qaf gifs were at least near your level. And you’re also just ridiculously nice??? Your entire blog is everything I aspire to be hahahahahaha. Thank you. 

@candlewinds​. JEEEEESS!!!!!!!!! I miss you SO much wow! I don’t think I followed you until I was maybe in the fandom for like two years or so??? But I remember seeing a bunch of your edits and just being completely amazed and inspired by you. You don’t wanna get me started on your gifsets PLS. You were one of the people with superpowers. The powers to make a 144p show look 720p. I CANNOT TELL YOU what your blog meant to me oh my god. I think you’re one of the first few friends I really made in this fandom and I’m so glad we really ended up talking instead of just reblogging each other’s posts and talking to each other through tags HAHAHAHA. You are, without a doubt, one of THE nicest people I have had the privilege of meeting. I remember we became friends then I went on a massive hiatus and when I came back, you were one of the first people to talk to me and you said something really sweet like “I’m so glad to see you on my dash again!!” and it made me so happy to be back. Thank you. 

@justintaylor. OKAY, LISTEN, LAURA. I LOVE YA AND I HATE YA. HERE IS WHY. I REMEMBER THE EXACT MOMENT I FIRST SAW ONE OF YOUR QAF GIFSETS. I was literally in SHOCK. I was like “wait........wait... why the hell does this look like it was giffed from a 1080p download/blu-ray dvds??? those don’t... exist for this show???” And so I stalked your blog for hours a lil bit and my jealous ass found out you had the dvds and I was FUMING ASIDHASOIDHAISHI I don’t think I had the desire to buy the box set until I saw your gifs tbh?????? I miss your qaf gifs so much though! I still think your sets are some of the prettiest in this fandom ever!! Maybe one day, I will make it to your level <3333 

@itsbriankinney. LEIRE! I wonder if you’re sick of me praising your gifs at this point HAHAHAH IDC IMMA PRAISE THEM FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I already had the dvds when I followed you and I might as well BURN THEM ALL tbh. You don’t have the dvds and yet your gifs are better quality than mine will ever be lmao ashiahsiohasduaiasdhi and I can’t even hate you for it because you’re only the sweetest person on this planet omfg. I’m so grateful to call you one of my friends on here like I feel honestly BLESSED hahahahaha. I’ve only been talking to your for a short time but for some reason, I trust you with my life??? And I feel like you’ll always have my back and that’s such a nice feeling to have??? At first, I loved your blog for your qaf gifs but now I love you for so much more! I also realised we watch a lot of the same shows and share the same opinions and ships which is a plus! Thank you for being so kind to me. I hope you know by now that I will always be here for you!

And last but definitely not least, @xoxoemynn​. The first post of yours I saw was a response to an ask. I don’t remember which one it was but I remember being so in awe of how well you wrote. So obviously I had to stalk your blog for days and read as many of your analyses of the show/britin as I could. Yeah, I got nothing I needed to do done during those times bahahaha. TOTALLY WORTH IT THOUGH. I’m pretty sure ever since I found your blog, I desperately wanted to be your friend lmaooooo. So when you first messaged me, I was honestly fangirling, I’m not kidding. FANGIRLING. AND LOOK AT US NOW!! ACTUAL children laughing about things only CHILDREN laugh about iadhaishiashdaih and sending each other screenshots and talking like teenagers in high school and tbh I wouldn’t have it any other way. I also can’t think of anyone else I would have wanted to go through my biggest Tumblr drama with AHAHAHAHAH. You made me almost cry laughing during a time I probably should not have been laughing oh my god. I cannot imagine what I would have done without you. YOU ARE JUST SO GENUINE AND WONDERFUL AND I CAN’T BELIEVE I AM LUCKY ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO SAY “EMY IS MY FRIEND GUYS”. Thank you so much for your generosity and for making me laugh and for being there for me and for existing. Ily <3 

Unfortunately, some of the blogs I wanted to mention have deactivated and/or changed their urls and I don’t recognise them anymore. But just know, there were a lot more people who are in this list. And I’m so so so grateful for every single one of them. Thank you for making my time in this fandom nothing but wonderful. I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!! 

[mightbedamian]

#TMIishTuesday #43 - 16 Things I learned in 2016

No more "first off"s anymore! It's 2017. It's Tuesday. It's #TMIishTuesday. Go! Hey there mighty people of the internet! And welcome to issue #43 of #TMIishTuesday - my weekly Tumblr post about what goes through my mind and what you guys want to know more about. It can be something very personal, it can be something political, it can be completely pointless - but in 99.9 % of the cases, it involves opinions. And mine as well. Last week I went quite cliché by posting my new year's resolutions as my last post of 2016. Addition to my 5 resolutions from last week: 6. Use after-shave every day. I haven't for a while. For which reason?? Also: So far I haven't failed any resolution. I mean… It wasn't too hard, but still. Kind of proud. :D Okay, and guess what follows on a cliché post!? Another cliché post! First post of 2017. What better time to reflect on 2016? Yeey, I'm so creative! :P But you know me. If you are expecting a break-down of political events, you might need to look somewhere else. I'm sure the BBC, NBC, or ARD have made enough "year in review" broadcasts to fill an entire year. No, THIS is a reflection of some of the events that - I figured out in 2016, - I learned I in 2016, - I achieved in 2016, - have moved me in 2016, or - simply have made my 2016. Ready? Let's see, if we can make it to 16 things. 1. It's okay to be gay! At the start of 2016 I came out to basically anybody, who knows. The only exception being my best friend. That was in December 2015 already. But in 2016 I told another very close friend (who might also be reading this. Hi there!), my parents, and the parents of my two best friends. Every single one of them has been absolutely supporting. Thanks to all of you guys! <3 2. Bosses can be assholes! Don't get me wrong: I've had three jobs last year and only one boss was an asshole. But this dude. Wow! I applied for a job to do in the period between Christmas and my new study that started in August. Among others, I applied at a call centre. Not the most satisfying job, but decent enough. It was all about getting working experience anyways. But this dude ordered me 4, 5, 6 times to do 1-2 hours of calls under his supervision saying that I was very close to getting the job all the time. All of that lasted from mid January to mid February. Then he said we should schedule yet another meeting and that he would email me a date for the following week. I was already really fed up with him and the entire place. And he didn't message me. When I emailed him half-way through the following week, he replied that they had no more interest in me. That was such a kick in the face! I basically worked my ass off for them and was then fired. I had no contract or anything, but still. I feel like they betrayed me for 150-200 euros there. So that was an experience… 3. Having help in looking for a job is crucial! I applied loads for the apprenticeship that I started last August. 40, 50 letters for sure. By mid-January a friend of my parents, who had heard I was looking for one, approached me: Hey, so, I heard that this rehabilitation clinic is looking for an apprentice still. I'm cool with their Vice CEO. You could tell them I sent you and just try your luck. At the end of February I had an interview there - and after doing a one-week internship I received a call saying I could start there in summer. WOOHOO! 4. Being a cashier can be awesome! After I had been "fired" (if you want so), I felt let down, discouraged. But I wanted to work really badly. Sitting at home doing nothing really felt bad. So I applied as a cashier at the supermarket closest to my parents' (where I had moved back in). And I got the job. Worked 4-6 hours a day, 6 days a week. Having basically no weekend (when you work late shifts on Saturday and early shifts on Monday) really sucks, but it pays just like any other job you can do without a study. Not having to pay any rent, I made quite some money. And it was really fun as well! It's a massive supermarket and there are lots of returning customers - also from the surrounding area. Not just the city itself. It's quite a cool store tbh :P And my colleagues were really cool as well. On New Year's Eve I went there for the first time since leaving for a different city. Just walking through those sliding doors I felt "at home". Such cool people! I kind of miss that place. In a way... 5. Tumblr is cool! These past days I realised how Tumblr played a big role in my coming out process. I never really was aware of its influence. But in Summer (or so) 2015, half a year before coming out, I created this account and followed some blogs posting cute guys. That was the first hint, I guess? In 2016 I continued scrolling through these posts and got waaay more into it. Not only did I start writing texts that I posted on Tumblr, but the amount of time I spent scrolling and browsing just increased a lot. And I like it. Oh, and I posted my coming out story to have it written down somewhere where I can read it any time I want to - and yet hidden from friends. Great decision! I wouldn't remember it as well, if I hadn't put it there. And look what has developed from this all! I write a ton of stuff about stuff that matters to me. Every week. And I did 21 posts of #mightyadvent as well. I love it! Thanks for reading my ramblings, guys! 6. Coming out videos are great and the world is not binary! This is something that is probably also valid even more for December 2015, but: I freaking LOVE coming out videos. Recently I've been way too busy and haven't watched one in probably a month or so. But until May or June I probably watched EVERY coming out video that was uploaded to YouTube. Just to get a feeling of how my coming out had gone. And because I wanted to hear other people's stories. There is a huge mixture of reactions out there. People getting disinherited or getting hit. People with indifferent parents. People who got very loving responses telling them they supported them the way they are. I was lucky enough here. While I knew that there is more than just - male/female for gender and - hetero/gay for sexual orientations, I never really knew what else there was. Like, what exactly is there beyond the binary? Then I started watching all those coming out videos. And I stumbled across people identifying as all kinds of genders and sexual orientations. Even if some were trolls (remember the guy who came out as playing Minecraft? F*ing bastard! Sorry, I shouldn't call people this, but he deserves it), I saw LOADS of real, sometimes very inspiring videos, and stories that just make you go "awwww". Anyway, I'm drifting off again. What I wanted to say here is: I learned that there are more than two genders and more than two sexual orientations. I knew that transsexuality existed, but never had an idea what people felt like going through it. And I now know a lot about asexuality or pansexuality as well. 7. Twitter is queer, too! In the summer I somehow stumbled across VollzeitJonas's Twitter. He must have replied to some YouTuber's tweet or so. Anyway, I followed his account and thereby truly boosted my experience. By him posting some stuff and retweeting lots and lots on LGBTQ+ issues, I began to discover the topics as well. I found queer.de, a wonderful German news website that focuses on news on LGBTQ+ issues. And I found dbna.de, a site for gay youth. Dating website, community, forum, tips - it's all on there. From Jonas's Twitter account it basically just evolved over time. I interacted with him and others, who follow him and by now I follow some more cool peeps. I like that! 8. Living on your own rocks! Yeah… I moved twice this year. From the students' house in the Netherlands I had lived in for the past 4.5 years to my parents' house (in February) and then to the place I live now. And I'm really living on my own for the first time. It took some money to get all the stuff needed to fill an entire apartment. And I basically spent all the money I had earned over the 4.5 months before as a cashier. But: It was worth it. I really like my interior. It also took some time to get used to all the stuff you have to do when living on your own entirely - with no flat mates. Not owning a dish washer, cleaning everything on your own, cooking on your own… You name it. But it certainly offers some advantages as well. 9. Work can be a positive thing, too! When I started the apprenticeship in August I was quite scared. How would I be able to cope with working 40 hours a week and having to study for school at the same time. It was quite hard to get used to, to be honest. But I figured out I don't have to study tooooo much for school. My study pays off. At times I feel like the most difficult thing is constantly translating from English to German cause I studied in English. Work itself is quite interesting. Different tasks and while it gets a little boring at times, most of the times there's more to be done. And they try to assign me different tasks so I don't get too bored. That's cool. Also I have - like at the supermarket - very lovely and caring colleagues. One tiny downside: There's only one guy my age there. And I think he has a girlfriend. :/ And for the "boring" stuff there's a positive news too: I'll get to see a different department in two weeks, so a little more variety to come. I enjoy working full time cause I can see what I am doing this for already. That's cool! However I should have taken a few days off work before Christmas. I did like 95 % of my Christmas shopping the afternoon before. Oops. 10. A car can save lives! Or well… Let's say it can improve the quality of life. I got a car a month after I started the apprenticeship. It's 15 years old. But you know… as long as it keeps going… Plus it's my first car. Oh and by going by car I save about 4 hours a week on travelling time. And some money as well. Sounds weird, but makes sense once you realise that a month ticket for the train is more expensive than day tickets for me cause I only work three days a week. The other two are school which is located in the city I live. And the car also proved very useful for visiting a friend in the Netherlands. He doesn't live in the place I studied at anymore, but moved further west to Apeldoorn, meaning it was a two-hour drive for his birthday. By train it would have been 3 hours - which I probably then wouldn't have done. And it was about the same price to go. Trains are f*ing expensive! 11. Travelling is the world to me! I didn't go on a long holiday in 2016, but did several weekend trips. In May I went to visit a friend in Denmark with the mates from my Dutch table tennis club. Had the greatest time there! Three days of talks, catch-ups, table tennis, a cool city (Århus), amazing weather - to say I enjoyed my time there would be a big understatement! Side note: That is now the most Northern spot I've been to. I told you about my trip to Apeldoorn already where we had a great time as well. Even if it was only about 15 hours. And I pretty much just got back from the last highlight of 2016: I visited a very good friend in Belgium. First time I went to Belgium. Or well… I crossed it on the way to Orléans as a third-grader. That doesn't count, does it? Anyway, Belgium was really fun! Being with my two best friends is always perfect. And exploring a city I have wanted to visit for a long time, makes it even better: We went to Brussels for an entire day and explored the city of Leuven for the other day. Really cool - both cities! Want to go again! Have no trips planned for this year, but could imagine visiting my Danish friend again - and who knows what else. 12. Online dating is hard! I don't know whether I mentioned this on here and I certainly didn't "offline". But I'm sure there's a tweet about this. In October or so I got inspired by VollzeitJonas and others and created an account on that gay online dating platform. After some browsing I got a message from a guy, who was looking to meet people. And I replied politely and thought I'd give it a try. But that's just as exams started at school and I had several other "big projects" in this thing called "real life" and I felt I wasn't quite ready to invest that much energy at the time. That's why it kinda just ended after one message. Sad story. But totally not his fault. I think I should give this whole online dating thing a go again. See my new year's resolutions, btw. [/shameless self-promo] 13. I can still feel the Pulse! This is probably the most grief I've felt this year. I woke up some Sunday in June to the news of Orlando. It was early morning over there when a "man" (should we call him "man", if he's that cruel?) entered Pulse club. One of the more popular gay clubs in the city. And now probably all LGBTQ+ around the world know the club. For a very sad reason: That man didn't just enter the club. He fired into the crowd trying to assassinate as many as possible. 49 didn't make it out alive, 53 more were wounded. Most of the people at the party were of Hispanic background cause the club was holding a Latin night. That much for the motive of the perpetrator and the description of what happened. Learning about the events in the morning on Twitter just twisted my stomach. It was the first major LGBTQ+ hate crime I heard of after discovering my own sexuality. I follow several LGBTQ+ folks on Twitter, so the message spread to me rather quickly. I realised how much of a deal this was when I saw so that basically any LGBTQ+ I follow on Twitter posted about it. Sheer madness. I had just become more proactive and had just fully accepted myself as gay - and then THAT happened. Writing about this still makes my fists clench. R.I.P. to all 49. 14. Terror is here! December - the time of the year most people here in Germany get excited for Christmas. And we have those cute little Christmas markets. You can get glühwein there and fries and lots of (let's face it: pretty useless) self-made stuff. The booths are lit up with chains of light and everyone is just letting go of the stress that tends to tension the atmosphere around that time of the year. A very famous Christmas market is the one in front of Berlin's Kaiser Wilhelm Memorial Church which itself is one of the must-see places as a tourist. And then there was the man who would kill 11 and injure 55 more when he drove a truck into that very Christmas market on 19 December. I - again - read about it first on Twitter. At first I thought it was just an accident and didn't really bother too much, skipping the messages in my timeline and scrolling on. But after an hour or so I thought it was about time to check what really was going on in Berlin. It was only then when I realised how bad things really were. We had our first successful terrorist attack in Germany. R.I.P. to the victims! 15. Prejudice sucks! Remember New Year's Eve 2015? Lots of people were sexually assaulted right next to the famous Dom cathedral in Cologne. Potentially by men "of North African appearance" (that's what Police said). And there was an outcry in the entire country for how ruthless "all the immigrants" were. What they forgot - like so many times before and after the incident - is that a group of 5-50 people is not "all immigrants". But that's a different story I could rant over for an entire #TMIishTuesday post. What also was part of the outcry was how not-present Police were during that night. How was it possible that so many ladies were assaulted in public and Police didn't notice? No one really knew the answer. Lesson of these events: More police will be present at big public events. The results? Well… New Year's Eve 2016. Cologne again. More police is present. The square in front of the Dom is closed. And we still get news. News that make me wanna puke again. Why? Apparently police checked kinda any non-white person thoroughly, while not checking white people (or not checking them that much). That's prejudice. If not racism. And no debate about this: Police being accused of being racist is an absolute no-go! And that should make them think. For heaven's sake, why can't we just have a great time on New Year's Eve? 16. Chocolate cereal likes to play hard to get! I want to end this on a lighter note, so: In 2016 I discovered that my beloved chocolate cereal really is hard to get hold of. The best deal is certainly at the Aldi (thanks for not sponsoring this post, Aldi!). Problem here: People know that. And in each batch there are like 12 (?) boxes of different types of cereals, but only one box is chocolate cereal. And guess who went to the Aldi a good few times just to get cereal and ended up NOT getting it because there were like 5 batches of cereal in the shelves, but all chocolate cereal was gone? Yepp. This guy. Sad times! 17. Thank you! Finally I'd like to say thank you to all the lovely people who made this year as great as it has been: - My friends from my hometown: Stephan, Lukas, Ago, Dennis, Katja, Linus, Desiree, Tomas - My "Dutch" friends, who are not all Dutch: Marc, Linda, Laura, Christina, Martijn, Rik, Danny, Mette, Cédric, Annelies, Abhishta, Wouter, Menno, Celestine, and the rest of my table tennis club - My friends from the new town: Jenny, Florentin, Juliet, Linda, Marina, Katharina, Lina, Dana, and the rest of my class - My parents and family - and so many I probably have missed on this list.  Also thanks to loads YouTubers: - Those that showed me that queer is cool: Ash Hardell, Ricky Dillon, Connor Franta, Calum McSwiggan, ItsColeslaw, Troye Sivan, Hannah Hart, Chandler 'N Wilson, Sam Collins, Courtney-Jai - Special shoutout to those who I witnessed coming out this year: Ricky Dillon and ItsColeslaw - Those whose vlogs up my day: Marzbar, Ben, Oskar, Felix von der Laden, Ben Brown, George Benson, izzi, FunForLouis - The German Minecraft gamers out there: skate702, CubePlayTV, Herr Bergmann (plus teams #unfazbar, #Destilay and #Vibe for their great #VARO4 videos) - The rest, who just don't fit a category, but make THE BEST content: Julien Bam, Applewar, Mikey Murphy Finally thanks to the lovely Twitter folks: - VollzeitJonas, XLucamiraX, _FlexiHD_, achojo, Hennddrik, jsnjgr Wow! This has become such a long post! I feel like it's the longest I ever posted! :O That was totally not the intention. And it turned out a little more seriously than I initially planned. But that's fine. That's just a representation of my life. That's been my 2016! Hope you liked it. I certainly did! What did you achieve in 2016? I wanna know. Let me know by placing a comment, tweeting me, dming me, or what else you can think of - you know the means to get to me. As always: Next #TMIishTuesday next Tuesday. If you have any questions in the meantime, just ask away. Whatever you’re curious about - I don’t bite. :) Also: Poll to determine next week’s topic will be up on Twitter on Sunday afternoon. Until then: Stay mighty! Oh, and here’s some self-promo: - Last #TMIishTuesday: http://mightbedamian.tumblr.com/post/155176055527/tmiishtuesday-42-new-years-resolutions - More #TMIishTuesdays: mightbedamian.tumblr.com/tagged/tmi - Poll to decide next week's topic and more very cool stuff: www.twitter.com/mightbedamian - Even more very cool stuff: mightbedamian.tumblr.com