#these are not very cohesive and i meant to get some more from her story but i didnt screenshot in time š oh well
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paris ā”ļø
#these are not very cohesive and i meant to get some more from her story but i didnt screenshot in time š oh well#anyways yes these r all from her story so i can only link her account not the specific post#altho she does have grid form cropping of these but i love a good 9:16 ratio#tennis#corinne dubreuil#photography#grigor dimitrov#taylor fritz#i do believe taylor should wear a black headband instead of white now that hes blonde but i like this specific shot of it so iāll allow it#arthur fils#paris bercy#paris bercy 2024#paris masters#paris masters 2024#atp tour#atp tennis#sports photography
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yāknow generally i try to limit colour palettes to as few colours as possible to make things more cohesive but despite my best efforts only jay ended up being able to stick to that </3
ANYWAYS hereās the as-of-right-now fully updated designs for these dickheads. these will no doubt undergo even more tweaking as i draw them more but this is a start i guess. also pls open the pictures to look at them properly i worked so hard LOL
some random notes under the cut yaaaay
chip ā
he jingles when he walks. somehow heās still stealthy. i do not know how
kept the platinum ring that bonded him to gillion in the block! because hey he doesnāt really have a reason to take it off (and itās a nice reminder of how much gill cares about him, and how far their friendship has come since that ice arena)
his tattoos shift and flicker like actual flames, and sometimes (harmless, purely aesthetic) sparks fly off them when heās excited
i just think smoke coming out of his mouth when heās angry would be cool :]
chipped teeth from biting rocks and coins all the time :/
he has scars from the red lightning, theyāre just mostly contained to his back and shoulders. theyāre a similar red to his coat even once theyāve healed
gillion ā
the tail sleeve thing is so he can rest it on the ground without damaging his scales, he doesnāt usually wear it when heās just on the ship because the wood is soft enough that itās usually fine + it can hinder swimming a bit. itās mostly meant for places where thereās cobblestone or gravel streets and such. i think his armour would probably have a version that looks similar but covers the whole tail minus the fins, maybe with some armour plating of its own. i didnāt draw it because there wasnāt any room lol
his scars from the lightning are pink mostly because red stood out too much tbh. they softly glow in the dark the same as his coral and the pink parts of his fins
also kept his ring! his hands arenāt really made for jewellery, though, because the webbing means it wonāt sit very secure on his finger. so he keeps it on the same chain as the necklace he got from aslana to keep it safe
tried to make him look a bit bulkier and more his age than in my original design? i feel like i was leaning too much into the naivety and. shortness. originally lol. he also has thicker eyebrows now and iām still trying to decide how i feel about them but i think? i like it? i donāt tend to give many character thin eyebrows so it couldāve been a unique thing for him but alas
i think i made the sword too small but like ignore that
also forgor to include pretzel </3 thatās okay though she can get her own design sheet later. sheās special like that
jay ā
i believe in tall jay supremacy
blue magic! i was considering gold but thatād look a bit more like a canary than i wanted for her wings so. blue jay :]
her hair is supposed to look kinda like fire to mimic her dad ! kinda showing that even if she runs from her family and the navy theyāll always be a part of her. and also i just like drawing messy hair
i gave her sturdier gloves just because i feel like it fits her better. also changed up the shirt to more of a button up solely because i donāt like tank tops very much LOL
i did WANT to make her outfit a bit flashier to match the boys better but i couldnāt quite figure out where to Put the flash. maybe thatāll come later, the way the storyās going i might get to design some cool prosthetics for her or something
overall ā
because thereās just so many fucking colours i triiied to add at least one or two colours from each of them into the others designs. jay has her necklace with each of their main colours on it, her wings are the same blue as gillions eyes, her jacket and right eye are the same dark blue as destinyās blade, her hair is the same orange as the lighter part of chips tattoos. chip has a dark green sash under all the belts, the same as the hilt of destinyās blade. they all use the same shades of black, gold, and brown
the only real exception is gillion doesnāt have anything from the other two because he has Such a specific colour palette and he already had so much going on as-is orz jay was obviously the easiest to do this with because she has both warm and cool colours in her palette by default lol (and i did her design last, so that helps)
#.png#jrwi#jrwi riptide#just roll with it#jrwi chip#gillion tidestrider#jay ferin#jrwi spoilers#THEYRE FINALLY DONE zoo wee mama#the lines are thicker on the little armour drawings because i did the sketch thing and then went yk what. good enough. and just coloured tha#also got rid of gills button nose it was too annoying to draw#iām so used to straight and aquiline noses#another thing that couldāve been unique for him in terms of my character designs#but nah#pls ignore that i drew them all standing on diff planes/angles btw i wasnāt trying very hard w that#weirdly proud of myself for managing to give them all pretty unique profiles#thatās normally something i kinda get stuck on. drawing people from the side#in different ways besides nose shape
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Hello everyone. I have no idea how to start this post, but I want to start it as upfront as possible.
TLDR: My uncles shipped my sick grandmother to my home, and they called me to tell me only after she had already landed... when her visa was expiring very soon. And so obviously 1. My job was to keep her alive, and 2. I had to scrounge up money to send her to her home. It has been a very few stressful months.Ā
In between this, I hit a slump with writing, and felt very burnt out, as I had no time for it between work, trying to keep my grandmother alive, my own health, and my own business. I wish I could say I worked on Thrill Seeker in this time, but I simply couldnāt. I think a huge part of what was so daunting for me was only having myself to rely on and set the schedules, and in a way it came to be that there were lengths of time nothing could get done because there was simply no time in my life to do it.Ā
This is not meant to be an excuse as to why I was away from the blog for so long. It is simply what made me realize that I cannot continue alone on this project, as I would then be taunted by how much I would have to do that I would end up not being able to do anything at all.Ā
I was discussing this project with a friend of mine who has been beside me since I started this project, who I know shares my passion in making games, and who has rooted for me from the beginning. While Iām more interested in the storytelling, sheās incredibly fascinated with coding. During this time, we discussed perhaps making a game together-- but recently we got the opportunity to make that into a reality.Ā
Thrill Seeker is not ending, but rather, it will be changing format. I am so happy to say my incredible friend, Kismet (@kismet-dev), is going to be joining me to reform Thrill Seeker into a Visual Novel! She is one of my best friends and is the most organized person I know, so no more falling off the face of the Earth for me, because Iāve put a lot more planning into the game and now have someone to hold me to my schedules, too!
I understand that it could be disappointing to hear that Iām switching from an entirely text based format to a VN style. I apologize to anyone who is disappointed by this change. Itās been amazing the support Iāve gotten for this game and how many people have stuck to the project, even when Iāve been so flaky, and I want to thank you for sticking to the project when I havenāt been the most reliable developer. I am so grateful for your kindness to me, for all the people who have sent asks and been interested in my characters and story.
When I first created this project, it was just not a viable option for me to make a visual novel, as there wouldāve been no chance I had the opportunity to create art, write, and code it. But creating the art for the game inspired me more than when I only had words to go off of, and many different concepts for the game that I had in mind were simply harder for me to make into reality on twine. Thanks to the absolute angel that is my friend Kismet, I will actually be able to create the vision for the game that Iāve seen in my head for the longest time. Sheās an excellent programmer and such a wonderfully organized and hard worker, and I know that I wouldnāt have anyone else by my side as we begin to make games together.Ā
I will be making some changes to this blog as I make it more cohesive for the VN, but I will also use it as an opportunity to organize this blog for those who are interested in knowing more about the characters, settings, etc. Itās a little unorganized and hard to find certain questions, and Iāll do my best to fix that! Note that this will mean that changes are coming to the characters, and pretty major ones. I know that many of the asks I answered in the past will no longer apply to the story as Iāve changed it, so I will be reforming it quite a lot. However, what will not change is the characters themselves; they will still be gender selectable, and their personalities will still remain similar; but I feel like some of my characterization of them has been shallow, and Iām going to be fixing that.Ā
The launch of the game as a visual novel, with the first chapter, will be coming in August. Thank you so much for reading all this and I hope you have a wonderful weekend!!
#life update#I am so so so grateful for every single person who has read Thrill Seeker#every person who has sent me kind words and encouraged me to build this project#i am so so so so grateful to all of you#Thank you for supporting me all this time#New changes are coming!
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I Hate to Admit (18+)
ā” Pairing: Police Chief!Changbin x Plus Size Fem ("ex") Mafia Member!Reader
ā” Genre: mafia au, heavy angst and fluff, enemies to lovers kinda (it's not in the traditional sense lol)
ā” Word Count: 47.4k
ā” Summary: Y/N is an ex-mafia member whose specialty was romancing targets for information. No feelings involved, she did what she had to do and then moved on promptly. That life eventually became toxic and tiring for her so she quit, and decided to live a normal life, with a normal career and normal friends. However, after her older brother Chan's closest advisor is arrested in a sting operation, she's called in for one last jobā her latest target being Seo Changbin, the divorced chief of Seoulās police force who is returning to dating for the first time in 2 years. It should be an easy job; get the info she needs and then vanish as she always did. But the job becomes anything but easy when she realizes sheās falling in love with him.Ā
ā” Warnings: past character abuse (not described), past parental death (not described), implied past SA (because consent should be enthusiastic), blood and injury, gun violence, adjusted ages (everyone is late 20s, early 30s), specficially y/n ~29 and changbin is ~30, changbin is divorced from a previous marriage, chan has an antagonistic role for the plot (i'm sorry!!)
ā” Smut Warnings (contains spoilers): multiple smut scenes, soft dom changbin, lots of love bombs and check-ins, possibly too much exposition for a sex scene lol i am so sorry, petnames (love, honey, baby), gendered language such as "good girl," handjob, nipple play, clit play, fingering, oral (m+f receiving), unprotected piv (reader is on birth control), overstimulation, creampie, over all very vanilla and soft, brief mentions of reader being heavy
ā” Notes: you can also read the story on my a03, where it is divided into chapters here! and if you're interested, you can also check out my fic rec and feedback blog @stray-dreams. updated 08/30/24: formatting fixes, slight changes to scenes and dialogue for improved cohesion
ā” Disclaimer: please read responsibly, and remember that this work is fiction and meant strictly for imaginative fun. the idols used in fics are more accurately faceclaims and personality outlines for imaginary characters, and should not be interpreted as factual representations of existing people.
Can we talk?
A mundane message, but one that can sow dread within you at a rapid pace. Those three little words on your phone screen mock you, the silent trepidation seeping into your pores, and rooting in your bones.
Some may look at this scenario and think youāre overdramatic; whatās so scary about your brother asking you to talk? Why would this seemingly innocent message fill you with such unease?Ā
The answer to that is that those people are simply ignorantā blissfully so. To not understand why this would shake you meant that the life they lived up to this point was one of relative ease. Something terrible always followed a message like this.Ā Always.
And coming from your brother? That was even more cause for alarm. He only texted you like this when he had something terrible and important to tell you, something that had the ability to shake the foundations of your existence, to send you reeling head first into a reality you donāt want to face.Ā
You stare at your screen for what feels like an eternity, but in reality itās as little as a minute (according to the timestamp on your phone, at least.) Chan sent a short followup message that simply said, āCome by the house.āĀ
The house. A place you havenāt returned to in 6 months. You swallow in apprehension as you type a response. Whatever he has to say has to be serious, and your mind races with possibilities.Ā
Iām on my way.
Your hands tremble as you approach your childhood home, taking slow measured steps through the entrance and subsequent halls. Itād been a long time since you last lived in the house, but until recently, you had still regularly visited it. Your brother, Chan, still lived here, along with various others heād grown close to over the years, the people he considered his most trusted confidants.
You didnāt hate your brother by any means, nor any of the other people youād become friends with over the span of your life, but to live the mafia lifestyle was exhausting to say the least. And not just physically like most people might jump to, but emotionally.
To be in fear for your life and the lives of your closest friends and loved ones, the stability of your home and finances, the balancing act between the life you lead in the day and the one you lead at nightā all of it was so utterly exhausting.Ā
And you admired your brotherās perseverance, his resolve to carry on where your parents left off, but this wasnāt a life you wanted to lead anymore. Chan understood when you told him, and he didnāt fault you when you expressed how taxing this life was on your health, so you left the āofficialā rankings of the family with his blessing.
For your sake, he minimized the contact the two of you shared in the last few months, but he was never going to entirely abandon his baby sister. He still checked in on you on important dates, made sure you were making enough money to live well, and that you had a job that made you happy with a fulfilling social life.Ā
All in all, he was the perfect older brother. He had a responsibility, and he carried it well, while ensuring the comfort of you, the baby sister who found it too stressful and overwhelming to continue to be a part of. But just because you no longer saw violence happen, it doesnāt mean it stopped.
Sure, not regularly seeing your brother hurt, or hearing about losses and close calls, was beneficial to your mental health, but it still happened all the time. You just entered a space of blissful ignorance, of avoidance. If you didnāt see it, if you didnāt hear it, the problem didnāt exist anymore, simple as that.Ā
And obviously that will never be true; terrible things will always happen regardless of who is or isnāt there to bear witness to them. But you could pretend. You could go to your monotonous office job like a regular person, chat about the mundane things like the weather and what your coworkers' children are getting up to these days.
You could have dinner on the couch while you facetime your best friend, gossiping about local drama or what new project their partner started while you have some random video playing as background noise. You could take a relaxing soak in the tub, listening to your new favorite song on repeat before you slip into your comfiest pair of pajamas and go to bed.
And you could pretend. Everything was perfectly fine, your brother was running things well, there were no problems and no losses. Your past was behind you, your family and friends were well, and you could live a normal life without any repercussions or consequences coming back to haunt you. A naive dream that someday reality would cruelly remind you couldn't happen.Ā
āNoona, youāre here!ā Felix smiles as you make your approach to your brother's office, a bright one that would cause your heart to flutter if you werenāt so riddled with anxiety. Felix was your previous bodyguard while you were still living within the walls of your childhood home.
Eventually, when you moved locations for various jobs assigned to you, heād take point close by, watching from a careful distance in case something happened and he needed to protect you. He was also the first to pick up on your desire to leave, clearly being able to see the ripple effect the danger that this life held had on you.
He broached the subject carefully, and gave you a soft smile when you admitted that his observations were correct. He supported you and gave you helpful advice, encouraging you to be honest with Chan and do what makes you happy.Ā
If you were being honest, Felix was one of the people you missed the most. You spent a lot of time with him over the years, and you could easily imagine what a future with him would be like if he had been willing to leave with you.
It broke your heart to realize he'd never leave it all behind, but you accepted it for what it was, and thanked him for his support for you up until the day you left. You still talked sometimes, and you often wondered what he does now that he's no longer your bodyguard; but he felt it best to give you distance while you transition into your new life.
āHi Lixie,ā you do your best to return his smile despite the anxiety stuck in your chest. "I've missed you," he says after giving you a brisk hug, "have you been well?"
"My job is a little boring sometimes to be honest, but I like it,ā you answer. You can tell the conversation will move into awkward small talk territory, so you qucikly shift the topic to the reason you're here. āDo you know what Chan wants to talk to me about?āĀ
Felixās smile shifts to a small frown as he nods his head tentatively. āI have an idea, yes,ā he answers after a pause. Before you can ask him what he knows, your brotherās door swings open.
To your relief, he doesnāt look any different than he did when you last saw him. That had to mean whatever he was going to tell you couldn't be as bad as your head is making it out to be, right? āY/N, come in!ā Chan ushers you towards him, beckoning you into the room. You glance at Felix, who offers you a sympathetic smile, before you fully enter the office.Ā
You take a seat across from his desk, hands wringing the bottom of your shirt as your eyes dart to various points in the room, trying to distract your apprehensive mind by observing any potential changes. A new painting? More books? A change in desk chair? Anything, no matter how minute, is enough of a distraction at this point.Ā
āIāll get straight to the point,ā he says as he takes his seat across from you, his expression serious. āI have a job Iād like you to do.āĀ It was typical of Chan to cut to the chase, never one to waste time with pleasantries if there was something serious to discuss, but despite expecting this, you were wholly unprepared to hear the words that actually came out of his mouth.
āChan, you know I left this behind for a reason, Iā I can't..ā you start, searching his expression for answers. Why would he ask you to come back to this? You thought he understood from your discussion prior to leaving that youād never put yourself through the hurt again. You just couldnāt bear it anymore.Ā
"I know it's a lot to ask but it's important, and there's no one I trust more than you to get it done. I can't ask anyone but you to do this," Chan responds, his pleading tone conveying how desperate he is right now.
You frown, knowing very well that there was only ever one type of job Chan assigned you to, and what he would be expecting from you. āI.. I can't do this again,ā you manage to say, your balled up hands trembling in your lap, your tone pleading with him to understand.Ā
Chan sighs, a sadness overtaking his features that you havenāt seen in years. āI understand, I really do, but..ā He looks away, jaw clenched and expression pained. Your mind repeats his words to you;Ā thereās no one else I trust, no one else I can ask.Ā
Was his situation really so grave that he had no choice but to reach out for your help? And did you really have it in you to deny your brother of help when he was looking at you with such downtrodden eyes?Ā
You sigh as you resolve yourself to hear him out at least; if this was really that important to him, you couldnāt turn him down without at least hearing him out. You loved him after all, and despite any pain you might face, you wanted to help him if you could. āWho is it?ā you ask finally, ignoring the way your nerves scream in protest.Ā
āSeo Changbin, chief of Seoul police.ā Your brows furrow at his response, mouth slightly agape in disbelief. He couldnāt be seriousā and yet his stern expression told you that he was.
āThatās impossible, thereās no way I can do that!ā you exclaim, rising to your feet quickly. Sure, you were no stranger to seducing men for your familyās advantage, but it was usually petty criminals and rivaling bosses, not aĀ police officer. And an incredibly powerful police officer at that!
"Minho was arrested," Chan says as he rises to his feet as well, hoping the declaration is enough to stop you from leaving. You freeze, heart sinking to your stomach.
ā..What? How?ā you ask as you slowly sink back in your seat, listening intently as Chan shared the events of the last few months with you.Ā
3 months ago, a deal gone wrong led to the arrest of your brotherās second in command and most trusted friend. Things have been tense and strained between members since then, but tensions were at their worst with Chan, who suspected there was a rat among them who fed information to a third party.
The location was well guarded and scoped out well before the meeting between your brother and another leader he was striking a deal with was to take place, which lead him to one conclusionā someoneĀ hadĀ to have leaked it.Ā
The plan was to join teams, effectively ending the rivalry and expanding territory in the process. The rival leader would release their hold on southern Seoul, with the promise that Chan in turn gave him a high ranking position and integrated his boys into the appropriate ranks.
Everything seemed to be going well at first, with Chan and Minho proceeding with negotiations with little conflict. However, an unanticipated raid on their meeting location caused the men to break out into chaos. Some fought, others ran while throwing shots, but Minho got caught in the crossfire while ensuring that Chan got out of the situation intact.Ā
In the end, no deal was made, trust broken between the two groups as they blamed one another, and Chanās most trusted ally was behind bars with nothing to show for his efforts. Your brother didnāt want to believe that someone in your group had spilled secrets and allowed officers to raid their meeting, but he couldnāt disregard the possibility.
In their world, anything was possible, and he couldnāt have blind faith in his team despite how bad he wanted to trust them. So with that in mind, the last few months were dedicated to keeping a watchful eye on his lackeys, looking for any slip ups or deviations in routine.Ā
āYou need to find out what the police have on him, onĀ us, so we can build a defense for Minho,ā Chan continues, the anger and grief on his face clear, āOr at the very least, discover who our rat is. Even if it's not someone on our side, I donāt plan on letting whoever sold us out walk away. Theyāll regret ever betraying us, or their brothers.ā
Chanās expression is one of unbridled rage, and now you understand why. A betrayal of this magnitude is something your brother could never forgive, no matter how kind of a leader he is, no matter which affliation to other families the rat held.
And he wasnāt just betrayed, but his brother in arms was gone now too. Wherever Chan was, Minho was never far behind, and you honestly couldn't remember a time in your life where you didnāt see the two of them together.
Minho was just as much a brother to you as Chan, having spent years of your life with the both of them by your side. You canāt imagine the amount of grief your brother has been shouldering on his own up until now.
āHow do I get close to him?ā you finally question with a frown. You donāt doubt that Chan has a plan; he never sent you into a situation unprepared, but youāre still perplexed by the idea.
This wasnāt the usual low hanging fruit you were tasked with getting close to, and even when set to romance rivaling bosses, you knew you had Chan and Felixās protection if things went south. But here, there was no protection. If this Seo Changbin guy figured you out, youād all be nailed without hesitation.Ā
āJeongin. I planted him on the force after Minhoās arrestā heās your in.ā Chan answers easily, though the pain in his voice at the mention of Minho doesnāt go unnoticed by you. He prepared carefully when he realized he would need your help, not allowing for any possible error in his preparations.
Chan didnāt want to throw you into a situation you werenāt capable of handling. Yes, he was desperate to find out where they might've went wrong, but patience was key; and he couldnāt throw his sister in the line of danger over just anything. You were not only a valuable asset to him, but also his only family left, and he wouldnāt lose you too over a half baked plot made in desperation.Ā
So with that in mind, he moved slowly and carefully, keeping a watchful eye on those around him while planting trusted members in key locations. And Yang Jeongin was one of those trusted members, a childhood friend who was fiercely loyal and dedicated to the family as he also grew up in this lifestyle.
He had proved his loyalty many times over in Chanās eyes, so he gave Jeongin the task to infiltrate the force and learn anything he could about what happened on that fateful night months ago.Ā He was younger than you and Felix, and you imagined it'd be easy for him to pass as a fresh recruit eager to work with his cute, boyish smile.
Han Jisung, another trusted member of the group, easily got all the necessary documents together to allow Jeongin onto the force. Jisungās talent for forgery and information gathering was greatly appreciated, often allowing you and others into spaces they normally would not be allowed in.
Chan informs you that while Jeongin is too low rank on the force to get the details theyĀ reallyĀ want, he has been able to uncover other useful information that they can use to their advantageā namely, information on police chief Seo Changbin. The chief is back on the dating field for the first time since his divorce finalized a few years back, which is where you come in.Ā
Jeongin often joined his ācolleaguesā for drinks after Friday shifts in the hopes that one of them would spill something in their inebriated state. And while Changbin didnāt spill anything work related that Jeongin didn't already know, he did share some personal details, which included the progression his love life (or lack thereof.)Ā
āIs he really going to go on a blind date with someone his subordinate hooks him up with?ā you ask, hesitancy clear in your voice. Chan understands the hesitation however and doesnāt hold the way youāre questioning him against you; he knows how far-fetched this all sounds.
āHeās already agreed to it,ā Chan answers and this is where it all clicks for you. Of course he already agreed to itā Chan wouldnāt be giving you this task otherwise.Ā
You sigh as you decide to commit to the job, still uneasy but unable to tell your brother ānoā when heās placing so much faith in you. All you can do now is hope that things proceed smoothly and that Seo Changbin isnāt as much of an asshole as some of the other men youāve had the displeasure of beguiling into spilling their most closely held secrets.
āThis is all the intel Jeongin has gotten on him, along with some things Jisung got through some digging. Read it over thoroughly and prepare for Friday night,ā Chan says as he hands you a rather sparse manila folder.
Normally you had much more information to work with, but you suppose it makes sense that there isnāt much to dig up about him. You imagine that heās either some self righteous do-gooder with not a single speck on his perfect record, or a corrupt officer who's incredibly good at covering up his messes.
You arenāt sure which you prefer either way, but no matter the outcome, you have to see it through. So you simply step out of Chanās office, folder in hand as you head home to prepare.Ā
As you expected by how little the folder held, you didnāt actually learn all that much about who Changbin is as a person. On Jisung's report was the typical boring informationā which high school he graduated from, and how long heās been on the police force for instance. There wasnāt much you could put to use.
A medal won here, a promotion there, but nothing that would help you woo the man. On Jeonginās end, he reported mostly on things he heard come out of Changbinās mouth while he was drinking, or idle gossip from other colleagues.
You knew Changbin has been divorced for over 2 years now, and you knew that he wanted to be in a relationship again, but there wasnāt much else for Jeongin to tell you.Ā
Changbin seemed to be well guarded on all fronts, which you suppose made sense given his career. If the chief of police in a city as large and populated as Seoul was flippant with his mouth, you could only imagine what kind of trouble it would cause. It was easy to imagine that he held his private life close to his chest.
You knew from firsthand experience that knowing personal details and secrets about a person can ruin them, and someone as influential as Changbin having his private life on display would surely be a disaster. Still, you found it incredible that even while intoxicated, he didnāt reveal too much about himself.
Nothing critical or of importance, just minor or vague passing comments that anyone could infer. Anyone could guess that a divorced man would put himself back out there eventuallyā it was only a matter of time, and thus not a groundbreaking confession.Ā
So, the only things you knew about him were either insignificant drunken confessions, speculation based on rumor, or observations made by Jeongin from working under him from the past 2 and a half months; all things that don't necessarily aid you in any way.
He noted that Changbin had a routine, that he stuck to a specific diet to maintain his health and body, and that he was very prompt and careful with everything he did. Normally, you used the information gathered on a target to plan your approach. If you could appeal to their tastes, you were much more likely to get them to like you and want to pursue you, which made your job all the more easy.
But Changbin was basically a mystery to you; no prominent social media accounts to scour for likes and dislikes, opinions or preferences that you could play into, nor any substantial records to pour though to learn about him.Ā
You were basically going in blind, which made you all the more nervous to be in front of him this afternoon. You didnāt have a crutch to lean on, and all you could really do was hope that whatever you did tonight was enough to make Changbin want to keep seeing you.
You had also gone over your story with Chan and Jeongin a couple times to ingrain it in your memory and make sure there were no mistakes. The story was mostly truthful, as the best lies have some truth to them, but there were obviously some things that had to be changed about the relationship you have.Ā
Jeongin was like a little brother to you, which was true, and you had a good relationship with his mother, which was also true. What wasnāt true however, was the reason behind those facts. Your story was that your mothers were close friends, which led to you having a big part in Jeonginās lifeā and again, that was partially true. The lie came fromĀ whyĀ they were close friends.
The mafia life wasnāt some new endeavor that your brother decided to pursue while you followedā he was born into it, with your father being the previous head of the family; and that was similarly true for Jeongin. His dedication to Chan, and you by proxy, was instilled in him by his father, in the same way your own father instilled the values of the family into you and Chan.
So yes, your families were close, but not for the reasons your cover story will lead Changbin to believe. Your fathers worked together, which meant your mothers became close friends; and when Jeongin turned 18 he took over where his father had left off without hesitation.Ā
It was a bittersweet feeling when Jeongin joined your ranks officially. He wasn't obligated to continue his fatherās path like you and Chan, which gave him the chance to leave this all behind if he wanted to. You truly did view the boy like your own little brother, and you knew accepting this life meant putting himself in harm's wayā but you also understood that he was old enough to make his own choices.
And it would be a lie to say his dedication and loyalty was unappreciated by you or your brother. You firmly believed that if Minho wasn't so close in age to Chan, Jeongin would be second in command instead. It had really only come down to the fact that Minho was older with more real world experience that led to him being Chanās direct subordinate.Ā
You play your story over and over again in your head as you prepare for your date. A slip up could prove devastating, so you were putting extra care into making sure you would execute everything flawlessly.
The location of your date was a fairly nice restaurant (at least you assumed it was based on your google search), so you planned your outfit based on that. It was more on the formal side, but not so much that it called for you to pull your most expensive pieces out of the closet, so you chose a dress on the simpler side.
Besides, you figured showing up in something extravagant would be jarring; unlike when you're going after low level thugs, flashing wealth isn't necessary here. Changbin is expecting a version of you close in line to who you truly are nowā that being a nice girl who works an office job for a living.Ā
Keeping in line with that train of thought, you also chose more subtle, natural looking makeup, and kept a more relaxed hair style. Itād been a while since you went on a date with a more natural style, but it was refreshing to not have to pull out all the stops.
Normally, you had to play into a persona, or be an exaggerated version of yourself, but Changbin was expecting someone average. Just a nice girl with a modest jobā nothing crazy, and nothing for you to play into.
You were definitely still anxious about not having something tangible to latch on to, but hopefully being more on the truthful, down to earth side would appeal to him. After all, no matter what caricature of him you made up in your mind, he was likely the most normal person youād ever been assigned to.Ā
The drive to your destination was as uneventful as it could be, spent mostly with you internally going over everything one last time, and occasionally checking how you looked at red lights. You arrived a bit early, which you hoped would reflect positively on you given that Jeongin said that Changbin was a prompt person (and it was really one of the only things you had to go on.)
You were probably standing in front of the building for less than a minute or so before you heard a voice from the left.Ā āExcuse me, ma'amā are you Y/N?ā the voice asks, and you turn quickly to look at the man for the first time. His voice is less gruff than you were expecting; it was actually quite light, warm, and uniquely inviting.
He was also much more broad than youād anticipated, clearly the result of years of dedicated training and diligence; the few pictures you saw of him didn't do him enough justice. You can immediately understand why his subordinates, and those unlucky enough to be arrested by him would find him intimidating, but his gaze is surprisingly jovial.
The contrast isnāt by any means unpleasant, but it is foreign to you. You donāt think youāve ever seen someone so outwardly rough-looking have such a cheery disposition.Ā āYouāre Changbin then?ā you smile, his own brightness helping to put you more at ease, āItās nice to meet you.ā
āYou too! You havent been waiting long have you?ā he asks, and you quickly shake your head, assuring him youāve only been here for a few minutes at most. He ushers you to follow him, making small talk as you walk inside together.
Youāre guided to your seats promptly, courtesy of his reservation, and he pulls your chair out for you. You sit with a smile; when was the last time you went on a date with someone chivalrous? You honestly couldnāt remember; most men in your life have been far from gentlemanly.Ā
Contrary to what you would expect, conversation flowed naturallyā though you would give the credit for that to Changbin. He was very..Ā natural. He had an air of ease and confidence, but not in the sort of arrogant way you would find distasteful. If he was at all nervous it didnāt show, he wasnāt hesitant or awkward with any of his words.
He had the kind of confidence that comes with age and life experience, sure of himself but not overly serious, as well as the ability to poke fun at himself if the moment called for it. He was also much more open than you had anticipated, freely sharing details of himself, even if the story was something someone would consider embarrassing.Ā
An old mess up? Something stupid he did at his 21st birthday party? A silly mistake when he was still in the officer's academy? All of it was divulged freely, giggling at himself as he shared his stories with you. It surprised you just howĀ himselfĀ he was.
You expected someone secretive and closed off, or someone serious to a fault with no fun to be found. Neither extreme you made up in your head fit him; and maybe he was just private and stern in work settings, while his real self was mirthful and easy going.Ā
You shared things about yourself as well, trying to maintain the carefree vibe he has created for your dinner together. Simple things mostly, majority of which are completely true minus the tweaking of some details to not give away anything you shouldnāt.
Memories of your childhood, what working in an office is like, and embarrassing stories of Jeongin for him to keep in his back pocket until he can bring them up at an opportune time. Time passes much quicker than you thought it would, with Changbin already taking out his card to pay the bill.
āI could pay for myself,ā you say with a slight pout, though you truthfully like that he intends to pay for you; truly, he's a gentleman.
āI canāt let a pretty girl pay for her meal on a first date! It just isnāt right!ā Changbin exclaims, and you canāt help but smile at his reaction. Whether or not his gentlemanly behavior is an act or not remains to be seen, but the romantic lying deep within you canāt help but enjoy it.
āHow about I pay next time then? To keep it fair,ā you say with a smile that Changbin returns without hesitation. āSo thereās a next time?ā he asks, delight written across his features.
āOf course, as long as thatās okay with you,ā you say and he nods eagerly, not at all hiding his excitement. Heās a more of an open book than you were expecting, but you like it; it makes you wonder how those who work with him would feel if they could see their superior right nowā all smiles and laughter, no hint of the intimidating and private man they normally see at the station.Ā
You find the duality appealing. Of course, thereās always the chance that heās doing the same thing you usually do; playing up his personality, or exaggerating to make you like him moreā if thatĀ isĀ the case he definitely succeeded. You donāt think youāve ever been so genuinely entranced by someone since high school; and itāll certainly make your task more pleasant if you donāt hate the person youāre dealing with.Ā
You exchange numbers as you begin to walk away from the table, and he keeps a respectful distance away from you; appropriate for a first date. He continues to chat with you about what your ānext timeā can entail as you approach the doors to leave the restaurant, and you like that heās forward without being overbearing.
He says clearly what he wants and hopes for, and though you were the first to suggest a second date, you get the impression that he wouldn't have been bitter or resentful if this was where your time together ended. He's so honest, and respectfulā completely unlike other men you've dealt with.
āShall I walk you to your car?ā Changbin asks as you step outside together. The sun has set during your time spent chatting and eating, but itās not terribly dark outā the street lamps and other business offer more than enough illumination.
āNo, thatās okay. I parked nearby, so it wonāt take me long to get to it,ā you answer. You didnāt sense any ulterior motives from Changbin, but felt it best to err on the side of caution, and not let a man you just met see the kind of car you drive. He nods understandingly, offering one last smile and telling you to be safe before he bids his goodbye to you.Ā
You find yourself smiling the entire drive back to your apartment, and it remains even as you undress and clean yourself up. You look at your phone when you leave the shower, and the smile grows when you realize you have a text from Changbin already, telling you he got home safe and that he had a great time with you. You flop on your bed with your phone in hand, giddy as you type your own reply.Ā
What you feel now is a kind of feeling you donāt recognize at first; the kind youād feel when you have your first crush in elementary school, you think. The kind that makes you want to kick your feet as you lie under the blankets, or bury your head in the pillow and squeal.
And thatās when realization hits you; do you actually like him?Ā Genuinely,Ā trulyĀ likeĀ him?Ā
You frown as you stare up at the ceiling. It has to just be puppy loveā thereās no way you genuinely like him after just meeting him once, right? On one hand, if you do like Changbin, that makes your task easier. Youād enjoy being around him, wouldnāt dread your future interactions, and would likely have a lot of fun most days. But on the other hand, wouldnāt it make things more complicated in the long run?Ā
Well, thereās no use worrying about it right nowā at least, thatās what you tell yourself. Nothing has even seriously happened yet to confirm that the two of you will be a couple, and stressing yourself out over all the possibilities is something you recognize will only do more harm than good at the moment. Itād be better to make a plan when youāre more sure of where things are going instead of trying to plan for every outcome now.Ā
You sigh, tossing your phone on the nightstand as you make a conscious choice to just go to sleep. Whatever your feelings are, youāll have plenty of time to figure things out later. For now, all you can really do is keep on the task at handā and currently, that task is going on a 2nd date with Seo Changbin.Ā
āWhatās got you smiling so hard?ā your coworker says from your left, his sudden voice making you nearly jump out of your skin. āSeungmin!ā you exclaim, hand clutching your chest as you swivel in your seat to face him. āYou scared the life out of me!ā
Seungmin laughs in response, clearly not at all concerned over the fact that he almost sent you to an early grave.Ā āIām sorry! I didnāt think you wereĀ thatĀ focused on your phone,ā he says with an amused smile. Your face flushes as you realize that yes, youĀ wereĀ incredibly focused on your phone, and yes, youĀ wereĀ smiling very hard.
And Seungmin, being the menace of a friend that he is, couldnāt let it go unannounced. āLet me guess,ā he says as rolls his chair over to your desk, crossing his legs and folding his hands together in a dramatic fashion as he leans forward, āyouāre texting Mr. Blind Date?āĀ
āIāve told you a million times, his name is Changbin,ā you say as you push his chair away from your desk. He laughs again before rolling his way back over to you. Itās evident that he is unphased by your push, and instead finds it extremely funny.
āWhatās got you so hostile? All I did was ask a simple question!ā He puts his hands up in a faux surrender gesture, though the amused smirk doesnāt leave his face.Ā You wouldnāt say you were embarrassed per se, butā¦Ā Well, maybe you were.
Itād been a long time since you were genuinely infatuated by someone like this, and being caught with hearts in your eyes in a work environment wasnāt the greatest feeling. Apart from that, this was someone you were supposed toĀ pretendĀ to like, notĀ actuallyĀ like. But, at least if anyone was going to catch you in this state, it was your perfectly oblivious friend.Ā
āYeah, well.. I really like him, I guess,ā you say, trying to sound nonchalant despite the fact that Seungmin clearly saw the depth of your infatuation.
āOh, I really like him, I guess,ā he mocks, laughing when you shoot him an āIāll kill youā look. āYou have your next date planned yet?ā he asks next, putting his joking aside to ask sincerely.Ā
Seungmin had quickly become a great friend to you when you were accepted to the office, and while you definitely didnāt confess every detail of what your life was like before being hired here, you did allude to the fact that your past relationships were less than great. He could see the genuine pain in your eyes whenever someone else in the cubicle block brought up their perfect relationships and idyllic families.Ā
So, despite the teasing, he did genuinely care. He wanted you to be happy, and he was silently hoping that this Changbin person you met on your blind date would be the one to bring you that happiness. Of course, he didnāt know the ulterior motives behind said blind date, or about any of the previous mafia ties that led you hereā though, technically those ties are no longer āprevious.āĀ
āWeāre gonna meet up again tomorrow. Thereās an art exhibit he wants to go to,ā you answer and Seungmin lets out a little āoooo~ā which you roll your eyes at.
āSo heās an arts guy then?ā he asks and you shake your head. āNot really, but his best friend's works are gonna be on display, and he wants to support him. He asked me if I wanted to be his plus one.āĀ
āOh, āplus one~ā, sounds fancy,ā Seungmin teases, which you scoff at. āItās nothing extravagant, Min, donāt be dramatic.ā You push his shoulder, which he then clutches with a small gasp as if you actually hurt him. The rest of your coworkers shuffle into the room not long after, signaling that break time is officially over and itās time to get back to work.Ā
The rest of the work day is nothing short of a hectic, stress induced mess following your break time antics. You and Seungmin are practically buried in work due to multiple people calling off after catching a cold.
All the catch up work to make deadlines is running you ragged, but the thought of having a fun day out after this is all over is keeping you going. That, and Changbin sending you cute texts of encouragement every time you complain to him about the workload.Ā
You breathe a sigh of relief when the backlog is finally finished, slumping in your chair and letting yourself roll away from the desk. Itās way past the time youād usually leave for the day, but at least youāre being well compensated for the work; it was tiring, but the fat check will make it all worth it in the end. Maybe youāll finally be able to splurge on some new clothes like youāve been wanting to.Ā
Seungmin finishes his own work just moments later and throws his hands in the air with an exclamation, āHell is over!ā You laugh as you pull yourself back up to prepare yourself to go home. āIām so ready to crash after this. I think Iām gonna collapse as soon as I step in the house," he says as he shuts down his work computer.
āDonāt crash before you have dinner at least,ā you say and Seungmin groans, as if doing anything other than immediately going to sleep will ruin him. āI can eat when I wake up! Getting my beauty sleep is more important.ā
āYeah, those dark circles are getting a bit egregious,ā you joke and Seungmin shoots a glare at you before he stands. The pair of you continue to bicker and laugh before you say your goodbyes, and Seungmin makes sure you promise to give him all the details of your second date when you return on Monday.Ā
Itās painfully obvious that youāre sick when you wake up the next morning; sore throat, cough, fatigue, and all the works. Itās also painfully obvious where you got your cold from, given all the office absentees.
The sickness that ran rampant through your coworkers was bound to catch up to you eventually, you suppose. But did it have to beĀ todayĀ of all days?Ā
Canceling on Changbin made you feelĀ awful; much more than you expected it to. You always felt bad when you had to cancel plans of course, it was never a happy thing to do, but the sadness you felt now was unmatched by any time before it.
You tell yourself itās because you have a lot riding on this date, because your brother needs you to see this through and you canāt let anything deter Changbin from wanting to be with you, but you know deep down thatās not the truth.Ā
The truth is that you were actually looking forward to seeing him. That youĀ likedĀ him. That you wanted to hold his hand as you walked through the gallery together, to share your thoughts over a nice dinner, to maybe end the night with a kiss or two. And God, did the fact that you actually like him make you feelĀ stupid.
What kind of idiot actually starts to like the person they are supposed to dupe in the end? Did leaving for half a year revert you back to an amateur? Did you forget all of your previous bad experiences with other men you had to do this with?Ā
When you walked away, you told yourself you wouldnāt be in a relationship again for a long time, sincere or otherwise. Being with awful men jaded you, and the rare times you did feel a genuine connection, the nature of your life and family ruined it.
There was a point in your life that you started to believe you didnāt deserve anything good. Everyone you met either treated you like shit, or resented the reality of what being with you entailed. Nothing you wanted was ever worth the effort or the risk for them.
With every subsequent forced proximity with a man you loathed, with every spark of love that faded because of who you are and what your family does, you withered. People will compare being adolescent to a bud, likening the growth and transition into adult life to that of a flower's first bloom. But you always felt like your bloom never came; Mother Nature skipped over you, deeming you unworthy, leaving you to rot before you ever had a chance for something more.
While other people were vibrant and colorful, you were dull and withered. The garden that was your life was barren and devoid of nutrients, and always would be. At least, thatās how you felt until fairly recently. It took time for you to realize you were deserving of good things, and that a change of environment would help you turn your life into the kind that you would be happy to live.Ā
Even when you started to feel good about life, and about yourself again, you figured it would still be a while before you ever began to crave the presence of a significant other again. Youād hurt and been hurt too many times, seen the worst in countless people, saw the depths of cruelty and hatred that someone could have. And good people existed, of course they did, but your world view was tainted by the ceaseless callousness you were confronted with.
How could you believe that kind people were out there when you often saw the opposite? The depravity, selfishness, and heartless disregard for anyone but themselves? The fact that you had good people in your life began to feel like a fluke, your handful of close family members and friends like small faint glimmers of light in a sea of black.Ā
But even when you were blind to it, even when your vision was clouded by the suffering you experienced, good people existed. Selfless people, who would give the last of what they had to help someone else. Kind people, who helped someone in need without asking for anything in return. Happy people, whose only goal was to make the world a bit brighter than it was yesterday, with one small kindness at a time.Ā
Changbin was one of those people. And maybe it was naive to believe that so soon, to have faith that he was different from the other men youāve known, but you couldnāt help it. He just radiated sincerity, exuded warmth, emanated positivity.
Talking with him brought you back to the feeling of having a grade school crush; it was like he woke up a part of you that had been sleeping for years. A part of you that wanted a love like in romance movies, where everything is filled with cheesy quotes of adoration and over dramatic declarations of love. Flourishes of passion, moments where all you can think about is seeing him again, where the smallest of gestures makes your heart burst with excitement.Ā
Youāve only known him a short time, but you felt so utterly infatuated. Every time you spoke to each other, it felt like being on a cloudā soft and inviting, warm and bright. He was like a blanket fresh out of the dryer, offering you unmatched comfort and peace. The weeks leading up to this 2nd date where you spent hours texting, talking on the phone or facetiming was almost euphoric.Ā
And you suppose thatās another reason missing out on today is that much more devastating to you. Changbin became swamped with work shortly following your first date, promising that the first free weekend heād got heād take you on that date he promised.
Then, when things were finally calming down for him, you ended up being buried under the workload of your sick coworkers. And finally,Ā finally, your patience would've been rewarded with todayās date.Ā
Would it be overdramatic to kick and scream? Maybe, but itās all you wanted to do. And maybe tell God, or whatever higher power exists, to please let Changbin not hate you for canceling today.
Of course, he was very understanding, even offering to drive over to you and pick up anything you might need. You turned him down, telling him to go to the exhibit and enjoy it, and that youād just get some more sleep after you took some medicine.Ā
It was late in the afternoon when you woke up from your cough medicine induced coma, the sun just barely still on the horizon. You knew you really should get some food in you, but the prospect of walking around your kitchen and cooking something sounded extremely daunting.
You wondered if it was too late to take Changbin up on his offer? Having someone bring you some more medicine and something to eat would be a godsend. And besides that, you just want to see him.Ā
You unlock your phone and immediately smile upon seeing your texts; Changbin knew you were getting your rest of course, but he still sent updates, including pictures of the art pieces and how he tried his best to interpret their meaning despite not really understanding what he was looking at most times.
His friends works were the most praised by him of course, and his enthused āThis one is by Hyunjin!! My best friend is so talented!!āĀ was endearing to read.Ā
You decide to send a simple text, saying you just woke up and were hoping his offer to come by still stands if itās not any trouble. To your surprise, a facetime request comes through moments later, and you scramble to settle into a presentable position (not that it really matters given how sick you are.)
āY/N~ā he coos when you finally answer, a small pout forming on his features when he sees your tired eyes and red nose.Ā Changbin is sitting in his car, phone propped up on the dash as he sits in what you assumed to be the driveway of his home.
His hair is damp and his clothes loose and comfortable, giving away that he just recently took a shower and was going to start settling in for the night before you texted him. Did he rush to his car after he got your text? You suspect he did.
And youāre not sure if itās the damp look, or the way the light of the setting sun illuminates his skin that makes your heart feel like itās going to burst, but heās handsome. So devastatingly handsome that you almost want to hide your sick face away.Ā
Changbin asks all sorts of questions during your call, like what medicines you took, what you need restocked, what you want to eat and from where. Every time you offer to pay him back, he shuts you down, always reminding you that heĀ wantsĀ to do this for you.
He hangs up when he starts to drive so he won't be distracted, and you decide to relocate to your living room. You bring your favorite blanket and an extra pillow with you, settling in on the sofa while turning the tv to some random show you donāt intend on paying much attention toā you just want the noise.
Itās around an hour later when Changbin calls again to let you know heās at your apartment. You were surprised he took so long, and when you open the door for him itās easy to see why. His hands are full of bags all from the same store, apart from your food order.
āChangbin, youā what is all this?ā you ask, nearly stunned. He shuffles his way inside, placing everything carefully down your kitchen counters as your front door closes behind him.Ā
āWell, I know you only needed a couple things but..ā he says as he starts to separate the bags, placing your food off to the side as he digs through them, showing you the contents one by one. āThis is the medicine you asked for. And I got you this anti-drowsy version for the daytime. Oh, and this is vitamin c, your immune system will need it! This is tea for your throat, and this is-āĀ
You nod along to what heās saying, but your brain has long since stopped processing the information. You're stuck on the fact that he even bought all of this for you, that he seemed to care so much that he went above and beyond what you asked for.
When he looks up and sees your bewildered expression, he pauses, brows furrowing in concern. āWhatās wrong? Is it getting worse? Do you need to lay back down?āĀ
āOh, no, I..ā you start to answer but well.. What do you even say? Itās hard to explain why such a simple kindness would render you so incapacitated.
āIf youāre worried about how much I spent, itās fine! Nothing I canāt make up with another day at the office,ā he says with a smile. āOh, but you shouldnāt still be standing! Here, letās sit you down.ā Changbin guides you to your sofa, hurrying back to your kitchen to grab the food and bring it to you. He places it carefully in your hands before he sits down next to you.
You stare at the food in your hands, blinking as you try to process. He really did all this for you because he cares? He doesnāt expect anything in return? He isnāt going to complain about the costs or the effort, or make you feel like a burden?
No, you know that he wonāt, and thatās the part that sends waves of an indescribable emotion through you. āIs it wrong? Did you lose your appetite?ā he asks when he notices you just looking at it, leaning closer to inspect the meal in your hands, then back up to your face.Ā
āOh, sorry, I guess I did for a second. Iām good to eat now though,ā you fib, but smile afterwards to ease any worries he has.
āNo need to say sorry for that, just eat before it happens again, okay?ā Changbin watches for a few moments, making sure that the food isnāt going to make you more ill. As much as he wants you to eat to get better, he knows how hard it can be to force yourself, and how it can make any nausea you feel worse.Ā
When he is assured that your appetite is in fact back and that youāre eating well, he turns back to his own meal. You share a comfortable silence for a time as you focus on getting food in your system, though Changbin finishes much faster than you due to the cold slowing your pace. He doesnāt spend the time waiting for you to finish idly thoughā instead, he prepares more medicine for you, gets you more water, and cleans up any messes left in his wake.Ā
āSo, what show is this?ā he asks when heās finished cleaning up the trash from your meals. You told him he didnāt have to and that youād clean it up later of course, but he insisted upon it.
āI donāt know actually. I just put anything on,ā you answer. Changbin frowns a little, cutely you might add, before he speaks. āThatās no good, you should watch your favorite things when you donāt feel good. Like.. a comfort movie! What's your favorite? Weāll watch that!ā
He quickly reaches for the remote before looking at you expectantly. āOh, uhm..ā You hesitate, hoping that you appear to just be thinking about it instead of taken aback like you truly were.
You couldnāt remember the last time you had a boyfriend (genuine or otherwise) that valued any of your opinions, that wanted to give the things you liked a try, or indulge in any interests you had. Something as small as letting you choose what to watch on tv meant more to you than he could possibly realize.Ā
It doesnāt take much actual thought to make your suggestion and tell him where he can find it, and he beams as he follows your instructions to get the movie playing. The only problem now, you soon realize, is that you have no space to lay back down.
Given that you live alone and donāt often have company, you chose to buy a smaller sofa and save the extra money. That decision seemed smart at the time, but now you wondered if you shouldāve just gone for the bigger furniture, additional cost be damned.Ā
Changbin watches you fumble with your pillow for a few moments, trying to find different ways to prop it up and make it comfortable to lay against, before he gets the courage to speak up. āDo you want to lay on me?ā
āHuh?ā you say, not because you didnāt hear him, but because youāre surprised he asked. āWe can cuddle..? If you want?ā he offers, the slightest bit of pink dusting his cheeks. Oh, youāre fucked. Thereās no reason the prospect ofĀ cuddlingĀ should make butterflies erupt in your stomach like this.Ā
You nod, tentatively passing your pillow over to him. Changbin places it carefully against the arm rest before he props himself against it, motioning for you to lay against him once heās settled. Your head rests on his chest, and Changbin wraps his arm around you carefully, ensuring that his touch is comforting and not inappropriate. You unwittingly let out a sigh as your body relaxes, and Changbin has to suppress a smile in response.Ā
Before you know it, your eyes are closingā Changbin is just so warm and comfortable, you canāt fight it. He smells good and his gentle touch is soothing, the slow circles he draws on your skin with his thumb lulling you to sleep. The sound of your comfort movie playing becomes almost silent in your ears, being replaced instead by the sound of Changbinās breathing and the steady beating of his heart.Ā
The movement of Changbinās leg eventually stirs you awake, and you sit up with a yawn, rubbing your tired eyes. āShit, sorry, I didnāt mean to wake you,ā he apologizes before he stretches out his legs. You guess they mustāve fallen asleep after being in the same position for a while.
āHow long was I asleep?ā you ask as you turn your attention to the tv. The movie you picked was no longer playing, and it seemed to be half way through a different one.Ā
āIām not sure, a few hours maybe?ā he replies; after you settled on him, he couldn't reach his phone. His only judge of time has been the movies playing.
āWhat? Really?!ā You scramble for your phone to check the time and see that Changbin was rightā you have been asleep on him for at least 2 and a half hours. āYou couldāve woken me up,ā you frown, but Changbin shakes his head vigorously, as if that was never an option.
āNo, youāre sick! You needed the rest.āĀ He had a point of course, but you still felt bad that he was probably bored out of his mind uncomfortable letting you sleep on him like that for so long.
Changbin notes your pout, and thinks about how cute you are to him, even when youāre sick, and puffy, and tired. āWhy donāt you go to bed for the night? Your body needs it,ā he suggests after you let out yet another yawn.Ā
āYeah, okay,ā you nod, and Changbin quickly rises to his feet to help you stand (though you would argue you are stable enough to walk on your own.) He carries your pillow for you, and wouldāve carried your blanket as well if not for the fact that you currently had it wrapped around your body like a cocoon.Ā
Your room is a bit messy, but thankfully thereās nothing lying around that you would be embarrassed for him to see. Changbin sets your pillow down before ensuring that you get in the bed. He turns to walk away once you're settled, promising heāll lock the door on his way out and text you tomorrow.
But in a move that surprises even yourself, you call out to him before he makes it back to your bedroom door. He faces you quickly, head tilted as asks whatās wrong.Ā āDo you want to stay?ā your voice comes out smaller than intended, but Changbin hears you clearly.
And itās his turn for his heart to feel like itās going to burst, hoping that the faint blush rising to his cheeks is masked by the darkness in you room. āI mean, itās late so..ā you continue when he doesnāt answer right away, hoping you havenāt overstepped a boundary by asking.Ā
āOf course, Iād like that,ā he says to your relief. Heās nervous as he makes the short trek back to your bed, both of your hearts pounding in your chests as he moves the blanket to lie down next to you. It feels like youāre a teenager again rather than an adult pushing thirty when he settles in and looks at you, face just a few mere inches away from yours. It's almost embarrassing how easily he gives you butterflies.
āI want to kiss you so bad,ā he admits suddenly, his voice almost a whisper as his eyes search for yours in the darkness. āWhat if you get sick?ā you ask, laughing when he exclaims in response. āI wouldnāt be here right now if I cared about getting sick!āĀ
āFair point,ā you smile as you inch your way a bit closer to him. He reaches out for you, arm wrapping around your waist as he moves in, close enough for you to feel his breath against your skin. The first kiss you share is light, almost careful, and soft, but itās enough to make your stomach flip. Changbin has a small smile when he pulls away, which makes you smile as well.Ā
āThank you for tonight,ā you say and he shakes his head, his own smile growing. āItās the least I can do for my girlfriend. I mean.. I hope you will be, anyways.ā
āOf course I will be,ā you giggle, āIāve been waiting for you to ask.ā āIn that case!ā Changbin rises suddenly, surprising you as he clasps your hands in his. āY/N. In case itās not obvious, I really like you. Will you be my girlfriend?āĀ
You giggle as you accept, and his smile isĀ beamingĀ as he lies back down and pulls you into another kiss. āGet some rest now, okay? Iāll be here when you wake up,ā Changbin speaks softly as his arms wrap around you in a hug.
You close your eyes as you nuzzle your head into the crook of his neck, feeling nothing but happiness and comfort as you once again fall asleep against him.
The weeks following making your relationship with Changbin official are simultaneously the most elating and the most fraught youād ever lived. Both of which due to the fact that Changbin seems to be literallyĀ perfect.
Heās attentive, funny, and incredibly caring, all while being devastatingly cute and handsome. Heās also the most selfless and encouraging person youāve ever been with, and it riddles you with guilt every time you remember what you ultimately have to do.Ā
Can you bring yourself to betray him after all this? Your allegiance is supposed to align with your brother, but the more time you spend with Changbin, the more you question if itās something you can really do. He was just so different, almost painfully soā the mere thought of breaking his trust fills you with a dread youāve never experienced before now.Ā
Apart from that, as you expected, Changbin keeps his work life and home life separate. He might tell you heās stressed, or in vague terms he'll talk about why a case is hard for him currently, but he never shares details. And you never press him, though technically you should.
Thatās what you were supposed to be doing hereā getting information, passing it along, giving Chan the upper hand he needs to help Minho.Ā And the fact that you donāt press for details, the fact that you donātĀ wantĀ to, also fills you with guilt.
You should want to help your brother, to help Minho out of his situation, but youĀ donāt. Plus, youāre only here because Chan asked you to be, because he set everything up for you, because he put his trust in you.
Yet here you are, 3 months later with nothing to show for it. Chan is patient, he isnāt expecting any huge revelation right away as he knew building trust with someone isnāt something that happens over night, but it wonāt be that way forever.
You donāt know when, but a time will come when your brother asks you what you have. What youāve learned, how your progress with Changbin is, and what steps youāve been taking to gather information. But what will you even say in response?
Can you be honest in that situation, and admit that you like Changbin too much to hurt him? Youāre torn between the obligation you have to your brother, and the feelings you have for Changbin. What will you do when you inevitably have to choose between them, and decide which bond is the more important one to uphold?Ā
āYou okay, honey?ā Changbinās voice snaps you from your thoughts. āOh, sorry, just nervous I guess,ā you answer with a smile that you hope he canāt tell is forced.
āDonāt worry, Hyunjinās nice, I promise! And heāll love you, Iām sure of it,ā he smiles as he gives you a peck on the head. You smile and thank him, feeling a bit guilty that heās trying to comfort you over a white lie, but telling the truth certainly isnāt something youāre ready to do yet.Ā
Well, maybe it isnāt entirely a lieā you are nervous to meet Hyunjin for the first time too. Thatās what brought you to Changbinās place today; his best friend, who you were originally supposed to meet the night of your 2nd date, is coming over for dinner today.
He finally has free time in his schedule following the exhibit and family responsibilities, and Changbin excitedly planned for, in his words, his best friend and his favorite girl to finally meet.Ā
Changbin, despite considering himself to not be much of a cook, did a lot of work to make the dinner nice. Not so much for Hyunjin of course, but for you. Heās secretly hoping youāll be impressed by his efforts and compliment him (he lives for your praise, you've begun to notice.)
It doesnāt take much longer for Hyunjin to arrive, with Changbin being full of smiles as he introduces the two of you to each other.Ā You try your best to not be awkward as you make small talk, though thankfully (and as usual) Changbin easily steers the conversations and makes them lively.
He encourages you to talk about yourself as well, as opposed to just making you listen to them catch up, and you appreciate that he wants you to be an active participant of the conversation instead of just existing there.
āDid Changbin tell you how we became friends?ā Hyunjin asks towards the end of the meal, which makes Changbin audibly groan in response. āDo you have to bring that up every time? Itās embarrassing!āĀ
You chuckle as you listen to your boyfriend complain. Heās brought up embarrassing memories to you before so you are a bit surprised by his outburst, but maybe itās because he wanted to tell you on his own time.
āBut itās my favorite story! And itās not even embarrassing, youāre just dramatic,ā Hyunjin says and Changbin pouts and crosses his arms. āShouldnāt I be the one to decide which of my memories are embarrassing or not?āĀ
āWell itās my memory too, and I say itās not,ā Hyunjin says matter-of-factly. Changbinās pout grows as he looks over at you and notices your eager expression. You definitely want to hear the story now; youāre so curious! āFine,ā he sighs in defeat as he lets his head fall to the table. āBut you better not laugh!āĀ
āI wonāt, I promise,ā you say with a sweet smile. You can tell heās not genuinely upset; if he was it would be obvious. Maybe heās just a little nervous about what your reaction will be? But youāll give him all the reassurance he needs that you wonāt find this funny if itās not something heās able to laugh at too.
You give him a small kiss for being a good sport, which causes him to turn his head away to hide the smile that starts to grow when you do.Ā You turn your attention back to Hyunjin as he begins telling the story.
āSo, weāre in middle school right? And I didnāt have any friends. I was the kind of kid that preferred to stay indoors and read or draw than be outside, so I didnāt get along much with the other kids who loved to play around roughly in the yard. I wouldnāt say I was bullied, but the other boys werenāt quiet about the fact that I was weird.āĀ
āAnd then Changbin transfers in later in the year, and not even a few days into his first week there, heās already fighting kids for being mean to me! Just a boy in his class heās never even spoken to before, and he wanted to defend me anyways.ā
Itās easy to see why this is Hyunjinās favorite story, and he smiles warmly as he tells it. āAnd it might be hard to imagine, but he was small back then, so he was fighting kids like, twice his size.ā
āYah! You didnāt have to bring that part up!ā Changbin lifts his head to exclaim, making you giggle. āWhatās wrong with that? It shows how kind and brave you were,ā you say.
The pout practically melts off his face, easily turning into a small smile at your compliment. āYeah, well.. I still am, you know.āĀ
āOf course I know, thatās why I like you so much,ā you say before giving him another peck. His bashful smile is so sweet and cute, you have to resist the urge to attack him with more kisses in front of Hyunjin.
āSee, I did you a favor by telling her! You loved the story, right Y/N?ā Hyunjin wears a victorious, almost I-told-you-so type of smile as you nod. It just makes you like him more, to be honest, knowing that heās been this way since he was youngā chivalrous and sweet above all else.
āWe became good friends after that. And eventually Changbin told me he wanted to help everyone someday, like a superhero.ā Changbin groans again as you giggle at Hyunjinās words. That must be another reason heās embarrassedā wanting to be a superhero when you grow up isnāt the most realistic thing to aspire to.
Still, it's more than common for kids to want to be something impossibleā and it warms your heart just how selfless he was, even then. āI knew youād laugh,ā he grumbles as he pouts.Ā
āIām not laughingĀ atĀ you Binnie, I just think youāre cute,ā you tell him sweetly, and his face turns a light shade of pink. āI feel like Iām being bullied right now,ā Changbin says as he points between the two of you. āYouāre banding together to embarrass me.ā
āHere, Iāll make it up to you by cleaning up,ā you say as you rise to your feet. āWait, no, Iāll do it!ā Changbin protests, grabbing your used plate from your hands. āYouāre my guest, Iāll take care of it.ā
You want to argue and help, but you know thereās no point; Changbin is stubborn about things like this. So you concede easily and sit back down.
āChangbin seems happy. Iām glad he has you,ā Hyunjin says after Changbin steps away to put the dishes in his sink, apparently not wanting to fluster the man further by saying it in front of him. āIt might be hard to tell now, but he was depressed for a long time.āĀ
Your heart squeezes in your chest at the words. You loved that you were able to make Changbin happier, but it was equally painful. You know what your reality is, and what youāre supposed to be doing here. You know, but youĀ donāt want to.
āHeās a good man,ā you reply, āhe deserves to be happy.ā Hyunjin smiles, and Changbin walks back in, equally as smiley and oblivious to the small conversation you just had.
Fuck, you felt terrible. You now knew quite a bit about Changbin's best with his ex, and what led to his divorce. He bore the entirety of his heart to you, feeling like it was important to bring up when you were starting to get serious so that the problems he experienced back then wouldnāt repeat themselves in his relationship with you.
He worked really hard to get where he is today, to become chief of police. He had a strong sense of justice, and an equally strong urge to help people. But eventually, that passion started to cause a rift in his relationship.Ā His ex felt neglected and alone most nights while Changbin was spending all his free time putting in extra hours, working harder than he had to.
But he wanted to, heĀ lovedĀ doing it, he had so much pride in his career. And that pride and passion led him to his dream position, and effectively made him the youngest person to get so far in such a short amount of time. He was proud of himself, of the life he built, and it devastated him when he realized his partner didnāt feel the same way.Ā
Changbinās ex didnāt want someone who spent all their free time buried in work, they wanted him to be more present. They wanted someone to spend quality time with, who would make time for them and the family they planned to one day build, who would prioritize them above all else.
Even on his time off he thought about work, he talked about cases and sometimes even brought his work home with himā but his partner didnāt want that to be their entire life. He explained that he was confused at first; he didnāt understand how his dedication to his career could cause this to happen.
In his mind, everything was perfectā his dream career, a beautiful house, and a loving partner.Ā It took time for him to understand their perspective and see what he could have done differently, but it was too late by then for him to make it work.
His career was important to him and he wasnāt wrong for that, but they also werenāt wrong for wanting to be with someone more attentive and less busy, and he understood that now.
Thatās why he wanted to make sure you understood that about him, and would accept him if he ever spent long hours in his office or a case required his urgent attention. And in return, heād make sure heād do what he should to be a good boyfriend on his time off.
He'd do his best to leave work at work, to make adequate time for you and not let you fall to the wayside when a case is capturing his attention. He'd shower you with affection, he'd make time for you in whatever ways he could, he's be presentā that was his promise to you.
Those years were hard for him, but he learned a lot from it; about how to find the balance between his work and home life, how to turn off his 'police chief' brain at the end of the shift, and use his time off for what it's meant for.
Itās also part of the reason he doesnāt tell you about things in detail, afraid that you might begin to resent him in the same way his ex had. That if he spends too much time absorbed in his work that youāll just decide youāve had enough and walk away from him.Ā
It was hard for Changbin to admit that to you, but he knew he had to bring it up early so you knew. But truthfully, you only ever admired him. You loved when he was passionate or excited, and you couldnāt imagine ever shutting him down or making him feel bad for it.
You loved seeing his beaming smile every time he said a case was solved, when there was a successful interrogation at the office, or evidence came back nailing their suspect. You couldnāt imagine ever seeing that unbridled joy and not smiling along with him.
And so, because his ex didnāt, you told him you were proud of him. You told him he did a good job, you shared in his happiness, you met his enthusiasm with love.
Love? Were you in love?
Is that why your heart ached so much? But itās natural to feel bad right? Changbin is a good person and you donāt want to do something cruel to him. Itās normal to be upset about that.
Itās normal for your heart to hurt over this. Itās normal for dread to course through your veins, to not want to imagine how much pain he would be in if you betrayed his trust. Thatās all normal, soĀ surelyĀ youāre not in love with him already?Ā Right?Ā
You swallow apprehensively as you look at Changbin. Heās talking animatedly with Hyunjin, his smile as bright as ever, his loud voice full of joy. Normally seeing him like that made you happy too; youād smile right along with him, giggling at all his cute expressions and declarations.
But now thereās a lump in your throat, hands shaking as the anxiety starts to consume you. You donāt want to hurt him. You donāt want to do this anymore. You don't want to be the reason all his progress his undone.
Changbin is an observant man, so you excuse yourself to the bathroom before he can read your expression and see that something is bothering you. You take deep breaths, hands trembling as you try to calm yourself.Ā
Youāre just anxious, thatās all it is, itāll pass, youāll be fine,Ā you tell yourself. You give yourself a moment longer before washing your hands and stepping out to rejoin the men.Ā
Thankfully, you successfully managed to calm yourself for now, and rejoin their conversation organically. It was a relief honestly that Changbin didnāt seem to be aware of the internal battle you were having with yourself.
You mentally thanked Hyunjin for keeping him distracted enough, as you knew Changbinās care for you would make all those emotions youāre trying to hold back erupt. And if you were being honest with yourself, you werenāt ready to face those feelings just yet.Ā
It didnāt take much longer for the day to transition into night, with Hyunjin needing to bid his goodbyes to return to his family. Changbin made him promise to bring them next time, of course, and Hyunjin happily agreed to bring them if they were able.
The moment his friend leaves, Changbin turns to you with an almost hopeful look. āYou donāt work tomorrow, right?ā he asks, and you can tell by the small pout on his lips that he intends to ask something of you.Ā
āNo, I donāt,ā you assure with a soft smile, wondering what he was about to segway into. āStay the night with me,ā he continues his pout, looking at you with his puppy eyes that youāve grown fond of.
āBut none of my things are here,ā you say with a small frown, which only makes his pouting even more blatant. āYou can just wear something of mine! Please?ā
It wasnāt really the clothes you were worried about; you had makeup on and your skin would surely suffer if you left it on all night. You werenāt sure if Changbin had anything in his cabinet that would be sufficient enough to remove it.
But God, his cute begging always made you so weak. How were you supposed to say no when he hit you with the puppy dog look? So you supposed you would have to make do with whatever he may or may not have, and apologize to your skin tomorrow by giving it some extra care once you return home.Ā
āIāll stay,ā you say with a faux exasperated sigh but Changbin is unphased by it, immediately beaming at you with pure happiness. āIāll grab something for you, wait here,ā he smiles as he turns quickly to his bedroom to search for suitable pajamas for you.
You can't help but smile as well by his cute behavior; Changbin may look intimidating, but he truly is a softie underneath it all. He was easily the most clingy man youād ever met, and he had no shame in pouting or pulling a cute face to get a kiss or a smile from you.
Honestly, you really liked it. After years of dating hard men who showed no affection or genuine kindness, you loved that he seemed to have it in droves, and offered it freely.Ā
āHere you go baby,ā he says in his cheery tone, placing his selection carefully in your hands when he returns. āYou go ahead and get changed, Iām gonna clean up in here first.ā He said after giving you a quick peck on the lips, turning his attention to the dishes that mounted in the sink from your dinner with Hyunjin.
You walk to his bathroom, and set his clothes down on the sink as you try to make a plan on how you can remove your makeup while doing minimal damage to your skin.Ā
You feel like youāve done a decent enough job with what you had at your disposal, and now that you feel content with your makeup removal, you decide it's time to change into the shirt that Changbin provided you.
While you havenāt seen Changbin without a shirt before, anyone can tell just from a look that his muscles are big, so you hope that the shirt he provided you with will be loose enough to keep you comfortable tonight. Once itās pulled over your head, you feel happy enough with the way it fits on you.Ā
It wasnāt long enough to conceal your underwear by any means, and your curves are still obvious, but itās not overly tight or restrictive at all; you find yourself hoping that Changbin will like the way you look in it. Scooping up the dress you wore for dinner in your arms, you stepped out of the bathroom and walked to the living room where your bag was still resting on the couch.
The light in the kitchen was off, the only illumination between the spaces being the night light plugged in next to his couch. Deciding that must mean Changbin was finished cleaning up and is already in his bedroom, you swiftly shove your dress into your bag before picking it up to take with you.
The door to his bedroom is ajar, allowing light to filter into the hallway and confirming to you that's where he is. You knock carefully, deciding you shouldnāt just barge into his room if he is changing. āYou can come in!ā You hear his voice call out, and so you push the door open further to step inside.
As expected, Changbin had changed into his own selection of pajamas (a simple shirt and sweatpants), and was sitting at the foot of the bed with his tv remote in hand, shuffling through his selection of streaming services. Stepping in fully, you close his door behind you as you had learned from your nights together that was his preference when sleeping.
You noticed him swallow after he turned his gaze to you, but he didnāt allow his eyes to travel down to your legs. āIs the shirt comfortable enough? Doā Do you need anything else? I have shorts andāāĀ
āNo, Iām comfortable, thank you Binnie,ā you smile as you step towards the bed, placing your bag down next to the nightstand. You were sure that he wanted to look, but you strangely liked that he hadnāt. Changbin was always careful and respectful, and you were sure that as soon as he realized the shirt didnāt cover you fully, he made a conscious effort to keep his eyes on your face.
Plus, he asked if you were comfortable and offered more clothes without hesitation, which you appreciated and once again testified his chivalrous nature to you. His posture relaxed at your answer; his intention was for your body to be completely covered but as long as you were comfortable that was all that mattered to him.Ā
āI canāt remember whose turn it is to pick tonight so I started looking just in case,ā he explains, quickly moving on now that your comfort is assured to him. You and Changbin had made a habit of going back and forth picking things to watch on the nights you stayed together, a ritual that you had come to really look forward to.
And you were fairly sure itĀ isĀ your turn to pick tonight, but since Changbin has been so sweet and kind to you, you wanted to let him put on whatever might have caught his eye.Ā āItās your turn,ā you say as you settle onto his bed.
āIn that case, let's watch this!ā he says with a smile as he quickly shuffles through a selection of animated movies and lands on Howlās Moving Castle. āHyunjin was obsessed with this movie when we were kids, weād watch it all the time,ā he says with a fond smile.
Youāve seen it as well, but Changbinās earnest joy to share a childhood film with you is incredibly sweet, so you feign ignorance as he excitedly shares his memories with you. He continues talking even as he stands to turn off the light, and crawls his way into bed next to you.Ā
You find his nostalgia trip heartwarming, and you listen to his tales with a soft smile, interjecting only if you have to. After getting under the blanket, he settles in against his headboard and opens his arm out for you to curl up against him as you always did.
Keeping in line with your routine, you don't hesitate to get close and lay your head against his shoulder, letting his arm wrap around you comfortably. āComfy, baby?ā he asks after youāve finished shuffling into your usual position, and you nod, assuring him that youāre ready for him to play the movie.Ā
Time passes in comfortable silence, with the occasional small laugh coming from Changbin at Calciferās attitude. You, on the other hand, wanted to pay attention to the movie and enjoy it with him, but instead became lost in thought, not focusing at all on the scenes playing in front of you.
Your mind had wandered back to what a future with Changbin would be like. Would this routine continue even years in the future? Would you cook dinner for each other after late nights, cuddle under blankets as you watched tv, talk about the mundane things in life over morning coffee? Would you still share soft kisses, hold each other's hand at every opportunity, text each other during work just to check in and say you missed each other?
You stopped hoping for a love like this a long time ago; the domesticity that comes with sharing your life with someone you love always feeling like a hopeless dream. Was it Changbin that awoke something deep inside you, or were your feelings always there, but pushed so deep you couldn't find them anymore, where they lied forgotten and left to rot?
Youād never met someone so gentle and considerate until Changbin, and his care was laced in every interaction you had with him. Every word, every gesture, everyĀ lookĀ was so full of affection and tenderness that it left you reeling. How could someone like him exist?Ā
Noticing youāve been quieter than usual, Changbin turns his head to look at you, checking if youāve already fallen asleep. āAre you still awake, love?ā he whispers softly, moving his hand from your waist to rub careful circles on your arm.
āMm, sorry, I spaced out,ā you answer, not sure if you're ready to tell him how badly you want to spend forever with him. You know you love himā it's obvious that love is what this unfamiliar feeling you are failing to push away is, but wasn't it too soon to say? You didn't want to scare him off by confessing something so deep after only having dated for a few months.Ā
"Are you okay? What's wrong?" he asks with a frown, concern clearly showing in his eyes. He was pretty sure he hadn't said or done anything wrong, at least not on purpose; he couldn't guess what could possibly be bothering you. But he can tell something isā he's never seen you look so sullen.
You swallow as you look up at him. What are you supposed to say?Ā 'I'm in love with you, I want to spend all my days with you, you're everything I've ever wanted.'Ā There was absolutely no way you could say all that right nowā it was too much, and left you too vulnerable.Ā
And then there was the matter of how this relationship even started. You were supposed to make Changbin trust you so could start leaking information to Chan; the entire foundation was built with the intent of deceiving him. You didn't think you could handle the heartbreak you'd feel if you lost him; your days with him were the safest and happiest you'd ever felt, and you were scared of losing it.
You were terrified of that truth being revealed to Changbin, dread settling in your gut when you thought about what kind of expression he'd have. Anger, resentment, disgust.. All possibilities you didn't want to see on him.Ā
But it's not like you could simply open up about this. Sure, Chan was your brother and he wanted you to be happy, but could he really accept you being with the very officer that oversaw the arrest of Minho? Wouldn't that feel like a betrayal to him? Would he offer his blessing for you to be with someone who threatened the very existence of his life?
You couldn't imagine a scenario where he'd ever be okay with such a thing. Even if he understood you couldn't help it, you knew he'd still be upset and want you to end your relationship with Changbin regardless of your feelings.Ā
Everything was so complicated and there was no easy solution. No matter what choice was made, someone would be hurtā but you couldn't bear for that person to be Changbin. He doesn't deserve it, he's already been through so much pain, his healing process long and difficult. The thought of you making it worse when you were supposed to be the person helping him feel secure made your heart ache unbearably.Ā
Before you could even realize it was happening, tears had welled in your eyes and began falling. Changbin's heart sank when he saw your tears, panic settling in as he carefully turned to cup your face in his hands. "Why are you crying, baby? What is it?" He asked, voice soft as he wiped the tears away with his thumbs.
What are you supposed to say?Ā 'Our relationship is built on lies. My brother is the man you've been searching for for so long. I'm scared that you'll hate me for lying to you. I'm scared to be alone after knowing what real love feels like.'Ā Your lip quivers as the thoughts cycle in your mind.Ā
Anxiety is welling within Changbin, but he's trying to keep a calm exterior for your sake. He doesn't want to agitate whatever might be bothering you and make it worse, but he can't help the way his mind races through the possibilities.
He'd never seen you like this before, and it felt so sudden that he didn't know what to do for you. Everything was fine before now, but maybe you were just good at disguising when something was wrong. Maybe heĀ hadĀ upset you without realizing, and you just pushed it aside until you couldn't any longer.Ā
"I.." you start, trying your best to get anything out at this point. Changbin was being so gentle and patient with you, which only spurred on your intense emotions. His gaze was fixed on you, thumbs rubbing soothing circles on your skin and wiping away tears when they fell.
Even with anxiety growing in him, he didn't push you. He waited for you to answer on your own time, whispering soothing words to you. "It's okay, everything's okay, I've got you," he'd say, doing his best to console you despite not knowing the cause for your tears.Ā
"I love you," you say quietly, voice trembling as you wait for rejection. There's no way he'd return your feelings after such a short amount of time. Wasnāt 3 months too soon to fall in love with someone so entirely?
There's no way he'd look at you right now and think this was normal. His rejection wouldn't be harsh, he was much too considerate to hurt you, but knowing he didn't feel the same would be enough to shatter you into pieces.Ā
Changbin was completely stunned, brows furrowing in concern. "You're.. crying because you love me?" he asks, trying to wrap his head around your answer, and understand why that would cause you to cry like this. He certainly didn't expect this to be the way he first hears that admission from your lips.
He watches your expression carefully, trying to be patient and hear your thoughts without jumping to any conclusions or putting words in your mouth. "I.. I've never been with someone as good as you. And you'reā you're so sweet to me, and I'm scared you'll leave me," you say between shaky inhales and his heart aches in response. What had you been through before now to make you feel this way?Ā
"I'm not going to leave you, I begged you to be here, remember?" he said, hoping the memory of him cutely begging for you to stay with him tonight would help you feel better. He continues after you nod, moving his hands to your own to hold them. "I'm not ever going to leave you, okay? I promise."
He squeezes your hands gently as your lip quivers again, eyes threatening to spill more tears as you look down at his hands grasping yours. It was so bittersweet.
You were comforted by his words, hearing them made you happy, but at the same time you knew it couldn't be true. If he learned the truth he'd hate you, he'd leave you, you were sure of it.Ā
But you wanted to believe he wouldn't, wanted to believe in this promise. You wanted to believe you could have a future together, where every day was full of joy and love. Even if the rational part of your brain knew how impossible it was, you wanted nothing more than for that to be your reality.
"Can you look at me?" he asks softly, and you take a deep breath before obliging, hands trembling as you once again meet his eyes. "I love you," he says and you suck in your breath, trying your best not to cry even harder than you already have been. "I love you," he repeats, keeping one hand wrapped around your own while the other returns to your face.Ā
He kisses you as if you're made of glass, so careful that you almost don't register it. Was it possible for a heart to break and mend at the same time? To feel euphoric and devastated all at once? Rational and coherent thought leaves you now, being overtaken by your yearning for the man in front of you. He changes his hold on your hand, intertwining your fingers as he pulls away to read your expression.Ā
"I don't know what you've been through before to make you cry like this, but I'm here for you now," he says softly, his thumb rubbing soothing circles on your skin. "I'm sorry I didn't say it sooner and made you worry, but I'll repeat it as many times as you need to hear it. I love you."
You look into his eyes, seeing for yourself the true depth of his words. You knew Changbin was careful and considerate toward you, but he also upheld truth above all else. He didn't say things he didn't mean; he was honest even to a fault. He always said the things he truly thought, regardless of what any consequence may be. You believed he wouldn't say something like this just to make you feel better.Ā
So, to hear him say "I love you," it can only be true. You were both scarred from your pasts, you with abusive exes and relationships built on false pretenses with no genuine love to be had, and Changbin the sufferer of a devestating divorce, left alone by the only person he'd loved before now.
Maybe fate brought you together because you were both desperately in need of something that wasn't obtainable before. Love, connection, understanding, belonging.. Foreign feelings that had rooted in you faster than you could even fathom.Ā
"Kiss me again please," you say so quietly it's almost a whisper. You want the feeling of Changbin to consume you completely, this feeling of love and acceptance to encompass you in your entirety, to quell the torrential downpour of thoughts raging in your mind until he is all that is left.
Changbin hears your request despite how softly you speak, and quickly moves to oblige you, squeezing the fingers intertwined with his as a gesture of comfort.Ā His lips against yours tune out the world around you, the movie playing in the background long since forgotten.
His kisses are one after another, soft and gentle but still enough to leave you breathless. "I love you," he reminds you again between breaths, and you don't hesitate to say it back each time, even with the way the air has dissipated from your lungs with each moment of his lips on yours.Ā
When he finally stops kissing you to allow you both to breathe, he rests his forehead against yours, looking straight at you once again. You thankfully have stopped crying, the crashing waves of anxiety you had felt moments ago receding with each of Changbinās sweet touches and words.
You knew they'd return, there was no escaping from your problems, but at least for some small amount of time you could lose yourself in this moment and forget about it all.Ā "You have no idea how much I adore you," Changbin tells you as he separates one of his hands from yours, reaching up to instead rub his thumb against your cheek.
"Thank you, Binnieā¦ I'm sorry for crying, I must've startled you.." you frown as you look at him, feeling embarrassed and vulnerable from your outpouring of emotions. "Don't be sorry honey, it's okay.. All that matters to me is that you feel better," he says, still using his soft and gentle tone.Ā
Separating your hand from his, you move to pull him into a tight hug, wrapping your arms around him as you bury your head into his shoulder. "You feeling okay now?" he asks as he wraps his own arm around your waist, and you nod against his neck, telling him that you just want to be close to him.
He smiles, finding the sudden clinginess endearing. After all, It's usually him being the overly touchy and clingy one of the two of you. "Let's get more comfy then," he says as he uses the strength of his arms to pull you into his lap before he shifts to let his back rest against the headboard of the bed, your legs on either side of him.Ā
One arm stays firmly wrapped around you, while the other travels up and down your back, ensuring that you feel comfortable and relaxed. The movie is nearing its conclusion now, but neither of you are focused on it. You are locked in your feelings of serene comfort, of a love that you'd felt was not meant for you, the way Changbin so carefully put you back together when you were falling apart.
It meant everything to you, in ways you felt no words could express. Changbin meanwhile was observing you carefully for any changes in your demeanor or breathing, just wanting to ensure he was there for you for any and every thing.Ā
"Binnie.." you breathe out as you sit up to look at him once more. "Yes, love?" he implores, eyes full of curiosity but also patience. He won't rush you to get anything out, giving you the time to prepare yourself to say the things that are in your head, ensuring things are always at your own pace. "I want you," you say after a breath, face heating up a bit at the admission, hoping he understands the implication of your statement.Ā
While you are certainly no stranger to sex, youĀ areĀ a stranger to intimacy. The vulnerability of offering yourself up to someone, showing them all that you are and all that you have. You've never exposed yourself to someone in such a raw way, poured out feelings so intensely and honestly.
You love him, and you want him in any and every way he would have you. You want that feeling of making love that always eluded you, the feeling of trust and care that comes with being in the hands of someone who loves you,Ā trulyĀ loves you, and wants you as much as you want them.Ā
"You have me," he says, bringing his face close to yours once more, "I'm yours." Your face burns further at his confession, shivers running down your spine as your lips meet once again.
Your heart pounds in your chest as you lean into the kiss, arms wrapping around his neck. You lost track of the amount of time you spent with your lips on his, the intensity building as each kiss became more heated than the last.Ā
Butterflies erupt in your stomach when you feel his tongue against your lips for the first time, as if you had never experienced such a thing before now. You part your lips for him, allowing his tongue to slip inside your mouth. His tongue moves in languid circles around your own, relishing in the taste and feeling of you.
You're the first to pull away to breathe properly, looking at Changbin with a flushed face, and God, is he pretty like this. He's nearly as breathless as you, dark curly hair disheveled from your fingers absentmindedly running through it, looking at you with a look you've never seen on him before.
Yearning? Desire? "You're so beautiful, you know that?" he says as he moves one of his arms to touch your face again, cupping it in his hand. "My pretty girl."
It had to be impossible for your face to get any hotter than this, you thought. Sure, you could put together that Changbin was attracted to you, but to hear him say it like this was.. different. You weren't used to this side of him yetā the side that would shower you in love and praise while looking at you with such a lust filled gaze.
"Iā¦" you swallow, trying to squash down the shyness bubbling within you. Was it normal to feel like this the first time with someone you love? You wouldn't really know.Ā
"I want to.. Can you touch me..?" you finally manage to get out, despite the nervousness settling over you. "As long as youāre sure," he says, hands moving to rest on your hips as he observes your face carefully. You've had your fair share of make out sessions as your relationship progressed further, but the two of you never took it any further than that.
Truthfully, he wants nothing more than to feel you under his palms, but he hadn't yet because he wanted to take things slow and treat you right. And now it was apparent that you were going through so much internally, the last thing Changbin wanted to do was take advantage while you were emotionally vulnerable.Ā
"I'm sure," you nod without hesitation. You were attracted to him from the day you met him, and the more you learned about him, the more you grew to fall in love with him, little by little. You love him. YouĀ trustĀ him.
And yes, this foreign experience did leave you shyer and more vulnerable than you ever felt, but you wanted him more than you ever wanted anyone. Changbin can see the certainty clear in your eyes, and he smiles slightly, gripping your hips a little firmer than before. "Just.. tell me if you change your mind, okay?"
"I will," you promise him, though you were certain youĀ wouldn'tĀ be changing your mind. Changbin's care and consideration for you only made him more desirable in your eyes, and assured you that trusting him would never be something you'd regret.
Changbin leans up to meet you, pressing his lips to yours once more, squeezing the meat of your hips in his hands. You part your lips when you feel his tongue against you again, allowing it to lick against your own until his hands reach the hem of the borrowed t-shirt.Ā
"Is it okay to take it off?" he asks, and you quickly give your approval, lifting your arms so he can pull it over your head effectively. He stares at your topless form shamelessly, swallowingly thickly as he takes it all in.
"Fuck, you're so beautiful," he says lowly, but you barely have time to react before his lips are on yours again, needy and eager. Changbin's thumbs rub over your nipples, causing you to shudder and mewl into his mouth.Ā
Your body is sensitive from lack of touch, and you feel as if you're becoming dizzy from the way his fingers rub and gently pinch your nipples as his tongue stays in your mouth, never separating from your own for more than a second. You're both breathing heavily by the time he pulls away from you, the longing in his eyes clear as he looks at you.
Changbin takes your hands suddenly, placing them on his own chest. "You can touch me too. Anywhere you want," he says, watching as your face heats up in response, "I'm all yours."
You swallow as you nod, the thought of touching him intimately making your heart accelerate. He had never seen you blush like this before, and he found this new shy side to you incredibly endearing, especially knowing it was all for him. Your hands tremble slightly in anticipation as you reach for the hem of his own shirt. Changbin raises his arms without you even having to say anything, and it is quickly discarded to the floor.Ā
It's Changbin's turn to feel a newfound shyness as your eyes roam the expanse of his torso. While his body is definitelyĀ good, he doesn't make a habit of showing it to just anyone; it's something reserved only for moments like this, to be viewed only by someone he's comfortable with and trusts.
As you expected, he has an incredible amount of muscle built up, and you let your hands travel up his stomach, over his chest, down the length of his arms, taking it all in. Some areas of his skin held scars, from wounds you assumed he got from his time on the force, and you glided over them gently, treating them with care.
"You're amazing," you tell him when you look back up to his face, and he smiles, the cute kind you've grown to love so much.Ā
"Not any more so than you," he responds, turning your compliment back to you. You smile back at him, pink dusting both your faces as you pull him into another kiss. You keep it brief this time, instead opting to move down to his neck.
You feel Changbin tense underneath you as your lips touch his skin, leaving sweet kisses before latching to a spot and sucking. The soft groan that leaves his mouth goes straight to your core, and you can immediately tell it's something you'll become addicted to hearing.Ā
His hands are on your hips again, squeezing every time you get another groan out of him. Feeling his cock hard against you, you grind down on it experimentally, and Changbin sucks in a breath, fingers digging into your plush skin at the contact.
"Fuck," he mutters under his breath, head lolling back as you continue to rub yourself against him. You separate from his neck, looking at his face as you grind down against him.Ā His eyes are closed, brows furrowed in pleasure and lips parted, sharp breaths leaving him with each roll of your hips.
"Binnie," you call to him, and he quickly moves his head up right, opening his eyes to look at you. You stop your movements, instead dipping your hand in his waistband to feel his cock with your own hand as you capture his lips with another kiss. Itās thick in your hand, so much so that you almost can't wrap your fingers entirely around it.Ā
He hisses at the contact, body shuddering as you run your thumb over the tip and smear the pre-cum gathering there. Just as he had done to you, you lick at his lips, swallowing his groans as your hand runs up and down his length.
Your free hand rests on his chest, helping to keep you stable as you enclose your fist around his cock, pumping it at a steady pace. Changbin makes no effort to quiet himself or hold back, and youĀ loveĀ it. He's vocal, letting you hear for yourself how good you're making him feel, arousal building more and more within you for every new noise you earn from him.Ā
He breaks away from the kiss, looking down to watch your hand work him. āGod-ā he groans, unconsciously bucking his hips up to meet your fist. He forgot what the feeling of having someone elseās hand on him was like, and you wereĀ good; way too good.
He would undoubtedly cum if he let you keep going, and he didnāt want that to happen before he got the chance to please you.Ā "W-Wait," he manages to say, chest heaving as he tries to steady his heavy breaths. You quickly retract your hand, worry clear on your face as you look at him.
Did you do something wrong? Move faster than he was ready for? Changbin can easily spot the worry growing on your expression and he quickly moves a hand to your face, rubbing gently as he had done earlier to comfort you. "Don't worry baby, it feltĀ reallyĀ good. But I'm supposed to be the one taking care ofĀ you."Ā
You flush at his words, stomach flipping in anticipation as you await his next move. "Is it still okay to touch you?" he asks, hands remaining in place until you give him your okay. "Yes.. please," you say and Changbin smiles before he gives you another quick kiss.
He reaches a hand between your legs, rubbing over your underwear and feeling the way the arousal that built up soaks through it. "Oh God," he groans at the proof of your excitement, and heat flashes over you in response. You bury your head into his shoulder, whining as embarrassment overtakes you. Changbin chuckles softly at your reaction, finding you incredibly cute like this.Ā
"Tell me to stop at any time if it's too much," he whispers to you softly; no matter how turned on he is or how much he enjoys this new side of you, it doesn't matter if you're uncomfortable and not enjoying it with him.
"I'm going to put my hand in now," he tells you, pausing for a moment in case you want to tell him to wait. Getting no protests, he slips his hand into your underwear, rubbing between your folds carefully to start with.Ā
"Tell me what you like,ā Changbin says, his first touch of your clit being feather light and almost cautious, āWhat makes you feel good?" He looks at you attentively as he waits for your answer, trying his best not to smile from the bashful expression on your face.
Of course he would ask you that, itāsĀ Changbin. Heās earnest, considerate, and thoughtful; everyone is different and he knows that, so he wants to hear what you like straight from your own mouth instead of risking fumbling around until he finds what you like through chance.Ā
Besides all of that, he has to admit that hearing you tell him what you like yourself makes the moment all the more erotic for him. How can he skip over the opportunity to make his normally confident girlfriend a shy, blushing puddle?Ā
You want to answer him right away, but between his gaze at your face and the way his finger rubs easily over your clit, your brain feels muddled. The way your mouth slightly opens and closes in an attempt to get something out as your face heats up for the umpteenth time doesnāt go unnoticed, so Changbin smiles softly as he whispers encouragement to you. "You can do it, love. Tell me what you like."
āA-A bit harder,ā you manage to mutter, and Changbin wastes no time to do as you ask. āLike this?ā he inquires as he applies more pressure, watching you closely to gauge your reaction as he does.
The way your hands grip at his shoulders tighter as your head slumps forward with a soft moan emitting from you tells him that heās on the right track at the very least. āIs that good?ā he asks, gently brushing the hair that fell in front of your face behind your ear so he can see you clearly.Ā
You nod, teeth sinking into your bottom lip as a whimper escapes you. Changbin smiles, and if you were looking at his face you would clearly see the expression of soft satisfaction on him. Not smug by any means, just simply happy to see you enjoying this as much as he is.
āCan you lean back for me?ā he asks, and your brows furrow, a little confused by his request, but you oblige him. You lean back, resting your palms behind you and against his legs for support.Ā
Changbin thanks you before leaning himself forward, making the intention of his request clear by attaching his lips to your neck in the same way you had done to him. He wanted to mirror the attention you gave him, to make you feel as good as you made him feel in any way he could.
His free hand travels to one of your breasts, giving a few gentle squeezes before he begins to rub your nipple between his thumb and finger. The pleasure is almost overwhelming, your body not used to this kind of attention being given to it, that it leaves you a whining and shuddering mess on top of him.Ā
His teeth sink gently into the skin connecting your neck with your shoulder, not enough to leave a mark just yet, but enough for you to feel pressure. The contrast between his sharp teeth and gentle licks and kisses lights a fire in you, the desire that was once a small kindling becoming a much larger, fiercer blaze.
You want more, you want him, you want, want,Ā want. He leaves a trail of red on your skin, licking the spots his teeth sink in, peppering them with kisses, and repeating on each new patch of skin he reaches.
Changbin figures he should probably stop before he actually marks your neck; you do work an office job after all. So he pulls away, instead opting to sink his head lower. He plants soft kisses on the nipple that wasn't receiving attention from his fingers, before letting his tongue run over it.
You gasp at the feeling of his tongue on you, and cast your gaze down to look at him. His eyes are locked on yours as you watch his tongue draw circles on your nipple before enclosing his mouth around it. The view alone felt like enough to drive you crazy; it was just soĀ hot, for lack of a better word.
Your hands reach to tangle into his hair, and he groans at each soft tug, encouraging him to keep building the pace and pressure of his fingers on your clit. You're not sure how much time the both of you spent like this; all you can really comprehend is howĀ goodĀ it feels, and that you're nearly breathless when he pulls away from your body.
"Do you want more?" he asks you, trying not to give away how eager he actually is in case youĀ don'tĀ want that. "Yes, yes, please," you answer quickly, too far gone to be embarrassed by your eagerness, and Changbin smiles as he pulls his hand out of your underwear. "Lay down for me please?"Ā
You comply with his request, carefully moving yourself off his lap and laying your head against his pillows. Your body trembles in anticipation as he moves himself between your legs, his expression as lust filled as it is soft. His fingers hook into the hem of your underwear, but rather than pulling them down right away, he glances at you once more. "I want to take them off you now, is that okay?"Ā
"Yes," you assure him, voice soft but sure, and you lift your legs up to make it easier for him. Changbin beams at you once more before he carefully moves your underwear down your legs, tossing them to the side afterwards.
He leans down to kiss you, his hand running down the soft expanse of body to reach your pussy. He rubs between your folds for a few moments, allowing his fingers to get even wetter before he slips one inside slowly. You whine into his mouth at the insertion, and Changbin begins to pump shallowly, prepping you to take another finger.Ā
A whimper escapes you as his second finger enters you and he pulls away from your mouth to look down at you. "You're so beautiful," Changbin whispers to you as he takes in everything with his eyes. Everything about you is perfect to him, top to bottom, ethereal in every single way. And the fact that youĀ loveĀ him, that youĀ wantĀ him, that he gets toĀ do thisĀ with youā¦Ā
He wants to show you much you mean to him with every word and every action. He'll never leave you questioning ever again, never make you doubt your worth or his love. He's so insanely infatuated by you, and he'd never forgive himself if he made you feel unloved and unappreciated.Ā
He took things slow at first because heĀ neededĀ to. Losing someone he loved because of his own mistakes was something he never wanted to feel again. He didn't want to be heartbroken and he didn't want to lose you; he wanted to show you he could treat you right if you gave him that chance.
So with that in mind he made a conscious effort to be a gentleman, to move at your pace and to respect anything you may or may not want. He gave you his undivided love and attention, he made sure to always express earnestly how much he liked you. And when he realized he was falling in love with you, he knew he had to be better than the person he once was, now more than ever.Ā
If he wanted just sex, or a shallow connection, he could get that anywhere. What he wanted wasĀ loveā real love. A person who'd cherish him as much as he did them, who would listen to him, indulge him in his needs, who'd care for him on his bad days, and he'd give it all back to that person in return.
After many failed first dates, or time spent getting to know someone only to realize they weren't compatible, he'd nearly given up hope. So when Jeongin suggested a blind date with you, he thought there was nothing to lose by giving it a shot.
He didn't expect for it to go soĀ well, to become addicted to your smile and your voice, to crave your presence any time he was home, to want to shower you with affection and be showered with it in return.Ā The way you're looking up at him now, entrusting yourself to him, wanting him.. It makes him happier than words can even express.
"You're perfect.. so perfect," Changbin continues, watching as your face heats up from his doting. He's always complimented you, but he understands how different it must feel for you right now. To be showered with affection and love while exposed, while vulnerable, while portraying your authentic self both emotionally and physicallyā he knows how overwhelming it can be.
And the way you opened up to him, the way you cried for him, the way you expressed your love for himā he knew he could never hurt you the way others have. He wanted to take your heart in his hands and cradle it, protect it. To have you was a gift he'd cherish, and he wanted to make sure you knew how much you meant to him. "I love you."
You barely have time to respond before he kisses you, beginning to move his fingers inside you in earnest. Changbin starts slow, making sure you're well adjusted and comfortable before he picks up his pace. Your breathing goes uneven when he starts to pump his fingers fast, his fingers inside up to the knuckles.Ā You let out a loud gasp when he curls his fingers, hitting your spot expertly.
"Does it feel good, baby?" He asks as he hits your spot over and over again, making you feel dizzy with pleasure. You nod your head quickly at Changbin's question, feeling like trying to conjure words right now is beyond your capabilities.Ā
"You look so beautiful, feeling so good for me, so perfect," he continues, chuckling softly as you whine in response, trying to resist the urge to look away from him or cover your face in embarrassment. He realizes he's just repeating himself at this point, but your reactions to his praise make it too enjoyable to resist doing.Ā
"You're so cute," he says, placing soft kisses against your skin as he shifts himself lower, resting between your legs. Changbin pauses the movement of his fingers as he gets comfortable, waiting for you to lift your head to look at him before he continues.
You almost feel like you could pass out; his dark eyes boring into yours, his curly disheveled hair sticking to his skin as sweat forms on his brow, a slight smile evident and complimenting his features. It's overwhelming in the best way possible.Ā
"I want to do more for you, wanna taste you. Can I?" He asks, the contrast between the soft smile and the lewd request leaving you reeling. "O-Oh, please," you answer eagerly, practically begging for Changbin to do anything and everything he wants to you.
The heat on your face is still apparent but your shyness has become increasingly overridden by need and desperation. You know he'll put all he has into pleasing you, and you want it,Ā craveĀ it.Ā You almost miss the way his eyes glint in excitement before he lowers his head, not wasting any time at using his tongue against your clit.
"Oh my god-" you let out a shaky moan, head falling back against the pillows and body shuddering. His tongue moves in expertly practiced circles, lips enclosing around it as he resumes the thrusting of his fingers. His pace is fast but accurate, hitting your spot over and over as his tongue laps at you.Ā
You're almost embarrassed by how close you're getting so quickly, whining and moaning repeatedly as your body trembles beneath him. The noises emitting from you areĀ everythingĀ to Changbin, soft and sweet just like you, addicting and laced with honey.
Your hips are rolling against him, fingers tangled in his hair, each tug eliciting a groan from him that makes the stimulation on your clit even more intense. "S-So clo-close," you manage to gasp out, toes curling as you quickly approach your high.Ā
As much as Changbin would love to whisper praises and encouragement as you cum, he doesn't want you to lose the built up momentum by pulling away from you to talk. Instead, he hums in acknowledgement, keeping his rhythm steady as he awaits your release.
Your climax hits you hard, back arching as the intense feeling of relief overtakes you. Your entire body is tingling, mind being numbed by pleasure as your thighs enclose around his head.Ā Even as you clench tightly around his fingers, he keeps the pace the same, helping you ride out your high until he feels you start to squirm away in overstimulation.
He sits up when your thighs relax and fall back against the bed, looking at you with a mix of endearment and satisfaction. You're completely breathless, chest heaving and face flushed, sweat clinging to you and leaving a sheen he can only describe as ethereal. Your beauty is beyond any tangible words he can conjure, but he'll try his best to express it to you, to make you understand how perfect you are to him.
"You did so well for me, baby," he tells you as he slides his fingers out of you, watching you intently as he brings them to his mouth. You swallow as you watch Changbin lick them clean, butterflies erupting in your stomach at the way he maintains eye contact with you through it. "My pretty girl tastes so good too," he says as he crawls back up your body, "So perfect for me."Ā
"Changbin," you whine with a small pout, and he chuckles as he looks at you fondly, gently brushing the hair clinging to your forehead away. "It's true, you're so perfect. My perfect girl," he smiles as he places a kiss on your temple, then your cheeks, and finally your lips. "You know that, right? You're so pretty," Changbin whispers to you, running his fingers through your hair passively as he looks down at you.Ā
"Are you trying to make me shy on purpose?" you ask and he laughs, shaking his head. It must be payback for how he felt over dinner.
"I'm just speaking my mind! How cute your reactions are is just a bonus." He kisses you again, pulling you closer to his body as he does. He wraps his arms around you in a hug, pressing your bodies together, and you can feel his erection pressing against your thighs.Ā
"Do you.. want to keep going..?" you pull away from his kisses to ask. "Mm, I'd love that, but do you want to?" Changbin would be overjoyed to continue, but he didn't want to assume.
If you decided this was enough excitement for you for one night, then he'd accept that, no questions asked. He had all the time in the world with you, and there was no need to rush, nor did he want you to feel pressured.Ā
"Yes, I want to," you assure him. You knew you wanted to from the start, to feel him wholly and be consumed by the love and trust you have for him. Your mind was full of him, and you wanted your body to be the same.Ā
āWould you like me to use a condom?ā Changbin asks, motioning towards the bedside drawer where he keeps them. He knows from your time together that youāre on birth control, and that youād be safe if he didnāt use one, but he wouldn't make any assumptions about what youād be comfortable with. To be with someone without protection required so much trust and love; it was intimate and not something to be taken lightly.Ā
There is a small moment of hesitation, but not because you have to think about itā no, you know for aĀ factĀ you want him inside you raw. But how do you say that to his face without feeling like youāre going to combust on the spot?
The romantic inside you reasons that you want to feel him with no barriers because you love him, you want to be close to him and give yourself completely to him. The desperately horny part, meanwhile, is full to the brim with the thought of Changbinās cum shooting inside you.Ā
Changbin watches you patiently despite the way his body is screaming in desperation to feel you. He wants you so badly, almost carnally, but heāll hold back as long as you need him to, be composed and accommodating for as long as necessary.
His heart nearly skips when you finally speak, the anticipation being held by the thinnest of strings, but heāll be happy no matter what your answer is. Changbin just wants you, thatās all he knows and all that matters.Ā
āDonāt use one, donāt want you to,ā your voice is soft and timid, almost a whisper, but Changbin hears it loud and clear. Heās so focused on you, attuned to you, that he canāt miss it.
His heart quickens as he nods, rendered speechless in what was likely the only time he ever would be. He leans down to kiss you once more, so overtaken by love and excitement that he really canāt help himself.Ā
His heart races once he's lined himself up at your entrance, but he pauses when he looks at your face, painted with a nervous expression that he can't ignore. "What's wrong? Did you change your mind?" Changbin's expression shifts to concern as he looks down at you, but you quickly shake your head, trying to dispel any worry from him.
"N-No, I still want to! I justā I've neverā¦ with someone I love, I mean." You tell him, voice slightly trembling from your admission. There was a time in your past, your first time, where you thought you knew what love was, what it meant and what it felt like. But you were so young then, and anything you felt then paled in comparison to what you felt now with Changbin.Ā
"Y/N.." Changbin breathes, using your name for the first time all evening. His expression is one of genuine care for you, his eyes soft and full of affection as he gently moves his hand to intertwine his fingers with yours. "I'll take care of you, I promise."Ā
Those men before you who were cruel to you, who didn't treat you with the love and reverence you deserved, who didn't appreciate your beauty and kindnessā they were so fucking stupid. He wouldĀ neverĀ make that mistake. He'd do anything for you, love you with all he has and all he is, care for you until the end of his days. That's his promise to you.Ā
"I know, Binnie. I trust you." You bring a hand up to his face, making sure his eyes are locked on yours as you continue. "Make love to me,Ā please." Changbinās heart erupts in his chest, the sound of those words falling from your lips strengthening his resolve to be the best he possibly can be for you.
He kisses you softly, squeezing your hand in comfort as his length slowly pushes into you. The stretch stings, but the choked groan Changbin makes is more than enough to make you ignore the discomfort. Changbin stills when his hips are flush with yours, letting you get used to the stretch while continuing to squeeze your hand and pepper your face with gentle kisses.Ā
āFeeling okay, love?ā he asks as he pulls away to check in with you. Tears poke the corners of your eyes, though from pain or emotion he cannot tell. You look up at him, feeling breathless at the sight of him.
The way he looks at you, so full of love and compassion, is unlike anything youāve experienced with anyone else. āMore than okay,ā you answer with a soft smile that helps to ease his concern for you, āwant you to move.āĀ
Changbin starts slow, making sure youāre well adjusted before he thrusts in earnest. It doesnāt take him long to figure out the pace and angle thatāll make you see stars, his earlier doting on you with his fingers having prepared him for this moment.
Itās almost too much, your body feeling like a live wire. His free hand travels down to your leg, moving it up and hooking it into his arm to allow himself to sink deeper inside you.
āFuck, so good, feelsĀ so good,ā Changbin babbles against your skin, fingers sinking into the flesh of your thigh, letting his nails mark your skin with small crescent moons. He wants to be attentive, wants to care for you properly and make sure heās pleasing you, but heās losing composure much faster than he thought he would.Ā
Changbinās overwhelming lust for you was held in check by a cracked dam, and the more he felt you squeezing around him, the larger the cracks grew. The break is imminent, a tsunami threatening to overtake him at any moment. But heāll do his best for you until then, make you feel good, and loved, and happy, until restraint leaves him and his high consumes him.Ā
āLove you so much, want you to cum for me again,ā he breathes out before he captures your lips in another kiss. Your kisses are much less romantic than before, having devolved into a mess of tongue and teeth, moans and whines being devoured in the shared breath between you. āYouāll cum for me again, right pretty? Want you to so bad, please, want it,ā Changbin all but begs, and fuck, does that do something to you.Ā
He starts to separate his hand from yours with the intent to give more attention to your clit, but you squeeze it firmly, not wanting to let him away from you. Instead, you let your opposite hand sink down to give yourself the stimulation you need, making Changbin groan as his eyes follow your movements. There was something about the way you needed more but werenāt willing to let go of his hand for it that made his heart, and cock, swell.Ā
He stutters out all the praises he can, telling you how good you are, how beautiful, how soft and warm and perfect. āKiss, please, want a kiss,ā you whine out as your high looms closer, and he obliges in an instant, greedily swallowing the loud salacious moans coming from you.
Your entire body tenses, like a pulled string on the verge of snapping, and Changbinās hips stutter in response, sloppily chasing his orgasm with you.Ā Is it supposed to be this euphoric? To be all encompassing, to consume you completely until there was nothing left but this feeling?
The love and pleasure you feel is overwhelming, eyes rolling to the back of your head as you feel the taut string finally snap. You squeeze his hand once more, grounding yourself as your orgasm washes over you like a tidal wave. Changbin follows you almost instantly, fucking you through your shared highs and whining into your mouth until overstimulation takes hold of him.Ā
His arm unhooks your leg, letting it fall limp to the bed as he lies on top of you, breathless and spent. Despite the exhaustion slowly creeping in, he does his best not to let his body weight crush you underneath him. Youāre equally as breathless, mind and body buzzing in a post orgasm haze.Ā
His head rests against your shoulder, eyes closing as he collects himself. Your arms wrap around him, keeping him in a close embrace that Changbin finds both endearing and soothing. A content sigh escapes him as he listens to your breathing soften, a gentle calm that beckons him to fall asleep.
But despite how his body screams at him for rest, he wants to take care of you first. So he lifts his head, giving you a small kiss as he lets his softening length slip out of you. āLetās clean you up,ā Changbin says as he wraps his arms around you, picking you up from the bed effortlessly.
You can't help but squeak in surprise, wrapping your arms around his neck for support as he walks to the bathroom.Ā You always thought you weighed too much to be princess carried by anyone, but if anyone was going to prove you wrong, it would be Changbin.
He sets you down on the counter carefully before he reaches behind you to wet a cloth. He wipes between your legs carefully, making sure there is no discomfort or sting as he does. āIām sorry if I hurt you,ā he says softly as his hand travels over the nail indentations left behind on your thigh.
āI didnāt even feel it,ā you admit as your eyes follow the path his hand travels. You were so lost in everything else Changbin was making you feel that the usual tinge of pain youād feel from nails digging in your skin didnāt even register.
Besides that, part of you had to admit that you kind of liked it; it was proof of your time together, and having his mark etched on your skin was both comforting and exciting.Ā You look up at his face to still see a subtle expression of concern, so you reach your hand out to his face, beckoning him to look at you.
āYou can mark me more if youād like. I want to be reminded of where you touched me.ā Changbin blinks for a moment, dick unceremoniously twitching before a smile spreads across his features. āYeah? Want everyone to know youāre mine?ā
You nod with a smile of your own, and God, if his body wasnāt screaming at him to sleep heād make you fall apart under him again, right here and now. āIāll make sure I mark you up good next time then, love.ā He takes a step back, tossing the soiled wash rag into the laundry bin and letting you use the bathroom as he washes his hands.Ā
When youāre done, he scoops you back up in his arms, a small protest leaving your lips. You insisted that you were fine, could walk on your own, but the slightest wobble of your legs was all Changbin needed to see to decide you needed to be escorted back to bed. He sets you down carefully before crawling in next to you, his arms wasting no time to wrap around you and keep you close.Ā
You sigh softly, head burrowing into the crook of his neck as you relax in his embrace. Itās a serenity youāve never experienced before, being in his arms like this after sharing such an intimate moment together. For the first time in years, you had someone that made you feel safe, loved, and protected.
It doesnāt take long for Changbin to fall asleep, and you watch him for a few moments, listening to the soft sound of his measured breathing. You don't know what you'll do in the future, what will happen when you have to make a confession to your brother about what Changbin means to you, but there is one thing you do knowā Changbin will never be the person you turn away from.Ā
To say Changbin is exhausted when he returns to work on Monday would be an understatement. But it was a good kind of exhausted; the kind youād feel after completing a marathon or climbing a mountain, he imagines.
Heās never been so happy to be tired in his entire life, he thinks. Even as the caffeine from his copious amounts of coffee leaves his system, his joy carries him through the work day.Ā
The Saturday night he spent with you after having dinner with Hyunjin made him elated beyond words. The closeness and sensuality of your evening was something heād be craving for so long. He missed the feeling of mutual love, of intimacy and closeness with someone else. And you were so perfect, so lovely and stunning in both mind and body, that he felt lucky to be loved by you.Ā
He took you once more the following Sunday, whispering sweet nothings to you as his hands touched and squeezed any part of your body they could reach. You showered together, spent the afternoon cuddling on the sofa while watching movies until he ordered dinner. He (begrudgingly) let you leave back to your apartment as the sun began to sink further in the horizon, though he made you promise youād be back later in the week.Ā
When he went to bed a little while later, all he could think about was how it felt having you next to him, wrapped in his arms with a loving and serene expression. He missed you, of course he missed you, and somehow it made a smile stretch across his face.
How long had it been since he felt like this? Giddy with love, always thinking about the other person, craving their presence for just a few moments longer, until eventually you canāt imagine your life without them always near you.Ā
Changbin wanted that with you, wanted a future where you are always with him. To wake up to you next to him every morning and cuddle in bed with you every night. He thought about taking you on surprise dates, spoiling you with delicious meals and nights out in the city. He imagined you waiting at home for him after a draining work day, and how your presence would allow it to all melt away.
Youād plant soothing kisses against his skin as you help him into the warm bath, letting him unwind while you took care of him. Youād take dote on him sweetly, tell him how much you love him, and heād do the same for you without question. Anything you wanted, anything you needed that he could offer, he would give to you. Because he loves you, and you love him, and thatās all he needs to be happy.Ā
And it didnāt take long for that inward joy to spread to his outside features; Changbin is a bit of an open book when it comes to love and affection after all. Jeongin had texted you that same morning, asking what on earth you did to make Changbin appear so elated, and it made you giggle as you imagined how his coworkers mustāve felt seeing their normally stoic and serious chief being so delighted that he just couldnāt hide it.Ā
It was no secret to Jeongin that whatever you were doing with Changbin was real on your end. Heās watched you suffer through enough pretending and agony to know what genuine happiness looks like on your features.
On the days you come to pick up Jeongin to spend time with after work, your face always lights up when Changbin waves to you. The small giggle you let out when Changbin checks around himself to make sure no one is looking before he blows you a kiss is one Jeongin has rarely ever heard.Ā
The both of you are so obviously in love that Jeongin would almost be sick if he wasnāt so relieved to see you smiling like that again. As far as he remembers, the last time he saw such a genuine and bashful smile on you was when you were still kids, untainted by the ugliness of the world and its harsh realities.
He was aware of the tumultuous life you led, and the mental toll it took on you; so to see you happier these days was priceless to him. But he also knew what you led you here, what you would eventually have to do, and that made him scared for you. He didn't want to see you lose the happiness you attained after so long.Ā
āWhen are you going to talk to Chan-hyung?ā Jeongin asks during one of his visits to your apartment, weeks later. You freeze, and he almost feels bad for asking as he watches the way your expression changes into one of dread. But it's not something he can avoid asking; he needs to hear your answer.
He needs to know if you have a plan, and what it entails; he wants to help you. "I.. don't know," you answer honestly after a moment. You spent a lot of time agonizing over it, what you should do and what you should say, but nothing ever seemed right.Ā
The outcome you hoped for, where your brother didn't hate you and your life with Changbin is untainted and perfect, seemed so impossible. You forget for a while, when Changbin sweetly holds you in his arms and reminds you how much he loves you, but the dreadĀ alwaysĀ returns.
You sit in your apartment, alone and afraid for the future every single day. You don't want to lose what you have, don't want to feel the absence of those you love, but maybe that's what is meant for you.Ā Maybe that's what you deserve after spending your adulthood the way you have.
Do the people who lie and hurt others willingly deserve happiness? Even though it's never what you wanted, even though you felt like you had no choice, did it taint you irrevocably? Did the universe care that you were trying to change your life, did your apologies even matter? Maybe your mistakes doomed you to a miserable fate long before you could even understand the implications of them.Ā
"I'd help you, you know," Jeongin reminds you, and you try your best to thank him with a smile. Chan may be a brother to him, but you're his sister just as much, and he'd always help you if he could. He didn't want you to sacrifice your happiness for the sake of someone else; you deserved to have something good after all this time.
You usually try to hide your feelings, not wanting to burden the boy you consider your little brother with your troubles. But you're not kids anymore, and Jeongin isn't blindā he can easily tell when you're distressed, and he can help you if you let him. At least, that's how he feels.Ā
"I know Innie, and I appreciate it, I just.. I'm scared, I guess," you say after some time. "Chan-hyung won't hate you. He might be upset, but he won't ever hate you," he responds, and you let out a shaky breath. He won't, right? You're his sister, he loves you, he's supported you before in your choicesā so it won't change now, right?Ā
"I don't know what to say to him.. Every time I try to find the words, I feel like I'm stuck. Like everything is lodged in my throat and I can't speak no matter how much I want to," your lip quivers as you try to hold back the tears while you speak.
You've thought about this so many times, over and over again, and itĀ hurts. And you don't want to cry, you do enough of that on your own in the privacy of your bedroom, but the tears still threaten to pour out of you despite it.Ā
"You don't have to admit you love Changbin necessarily..? Just remind him you left for a reason, and that coming back to it has been bad for you. Tell him that you tried your best for him but you can't do it anymore. I think he'll understand." You swallow and nod as you listen to his advice. "And you know I support you, right? And I like Changbin, I think he's an amazing guy. I want you to stay with him."Ā
"Really? You do? You're not mad at him over.. you know, family stuff?" you ask, suddenly perking up a bit. "Yeah, well, I.." Jeongin hesitates for a moment. He has his own feelings he's been trying to work out, but if you're going to share with him then he should share with you too. If you're going to be brave and face what is hard for you, then so should he.
"I have my doubts about.. staying in the family lately." He finally admits for the first time. He still remembers the day he was officially initiated in, how you congratulated him earnestly even though you were concerned for him.Ā
Before that day, you always told him he had a choice. He didn't have to join you, he didn't have to be involved in any of the terrible things that this life often entails. Jeongin could always tell you cared about him and wanted him safe above all else, but you still accepted his decision even when it saddened you.
You only ever looked out for him, wanted better for him, but he joined anyway because he thought it was the best way to stay with the people he loved most. You and Chan were real family in his eyes; he didn't care about blood relation or who his parents were, he just wanted to go hand in hand with his siblings. Wherever the two of you went, he would followā that's what he decided back then.Ā
But he saw what it did to you. You always wore a brave face of course, but he wasn't oblivious to your pain. And he met good people over the years, especially in his new environment on the force with Changbin. Similarly to you, he met people he didn't want to hurt or betray. It made him question what he knew and what he felt until now, and if he had really made the right decision those years ago when he turned 18.
Maybe it was naive, but there was a part of him that hoped he could one day become a genuine member of the police. His current credentials were falsified of course, but maybe when he left the family he could make them real. Move out of the city, settle somewhere small and attend the academy there, rise his way up earnestly until one day he could meet the friends he made in Seoul as a true version of himself.Ā
He never seriously considered it before now because he felt like that's not what his father wanted for him. His father was unyieldingly loyal to your own, he always emphasized the importance of dedicating his all to the prosperity of the family. Jeongin always felt like he should follow that example, and for the majority of his life he was glad to.
But as time went on, and he got older and more experienced in life, he realized more and more how his view of things were warped. The teenage version of himself who idolized this life was understandably naiveā there was no way for him to truly grasp or understand what he was getting into back then.
There was a part of Jeongin that felt guilty whenever he thought about leaving. Until his death, his father raised him to uphold the values of the mafia, and he trusted that Jeongin would make him proud. He's changed a lot over the years though, and for a lot of different reasons.
The difficult reality was part of it, but so were you and Changbin. Even before you met the police chief, your life was already improved so much by leaving. You loved your new life, your apartment. your job, and your friends. Your new normal was peaceful, you were healing, and Jeongin was so happy for you.Ā
He didn't realize he wanted the same thing right away. It happened in steps; a hard loss here, an exhausting day there, moments that slowly began to leave him weary. At first he thought it was just the exhaustion anyone would feelā after all, no oneĀ enjoysĀ being stressed out or hurting others.
It was normal to want a break, or to spend some time away. There was nothing unusual about that, so he took it in stride, trusting that it would pass once things began to look up (if they ever did.)Ā
But things changed when he saw your vibrant smile that was so different from the forced one you used to wear, saw the way your eyes sparkled and your voice lifted whenever you saw or talked with Changbin. He watched the real you, the one he knew as a kid that was so bubbly and full of life, returnā and that's when he knew he wanted the same thing. A peaceful, happy life.Ā
"I took more after you than Chan-hyung, I guess," Jeongin jokes to make it more lighthearted. He's pleasantly surprised to see it worked, a genuine smile finally cracking on your face. "We're real winners of loyal younger siblings, huh?" you chuckle. It's probably not appropriate to laugh but well.. What else can you do, really?
"You should leave, if you really want to. It took a long time for me to realize it, but there's nothing wrong with wanting better for yourself, and wanting to be happier," you say and Jeongin easily agrees with a smile. "Exactly! Which is why I hope you'll talk to him soon. Get yourself out, and live a happy life with Changbin. You deserve it."
"Well, what about you? What will you do?" you ask and Jeongin pauses while he thinks about it. "I'm not sure.. I mean, I'm sure I want to leave, I just don't know when I should. He's my brother and I love him. I don't want him to be upset by us both leaving at the same time.. Maybe I'll bring it up after some time passes?"
It certainly wasn't a bad idea. It'd be good for your brother to heal a bit, and not suffer too much loss at once. "Just make sure you take care of yourself too, okay? Don't push down your needs to make someone else happy," you remind him.
"Of course," he assures you with a smile. "Maybe I can talk to Felix-hyung too. He helped you when you were struggling with this, so I'm sure he'll help me too."Ā
"You should!" you enthusiastically agree. And that might not be a bad idea for you right now too. Felix has always been nothing but kind and supportive, and he offers such good advice. You've always trusted him deeply, and he's honest without being harsh, which is something you really value in him. "I think I will too. It might help me feel better about my talk with Chan if I talk to Felix about it first."Ā
Content with your discussion and your future plans, the rest of Jeongin's visit to your apartment is lighthearted. And honestly, you feel a weight lifted off your chest knowing Jeongin is on your side. He's always understood you, but you still had this irrational fear that this time would be the exception.
You were worried that maybe he hated Changbin for his role in the arrest of Minho, and when he realized your feelings for him, that he would turn his back on you. And you still have that fear when it comes to other members of the family, but you feel much more reassured now.
It's encouraging to know that you won't be alone in this, and that you'll have support from someone who loves you. You can only hope that all your future talks will go as well as they have today.Ā
It's another few weeks later when Felix finally has a free moment to stop by your apartment for a talk. You told him after the night Jeongin visited, mostly in vague terms, that you wanted to talk about Changbin and your job, and Felix promised to come as soon as he was able.
He assumed that you were dealing with something serious, and were seeking help vaguely because that's what you typically needed to do. You often dealt with dangerous men, or sensitive information, and going in full detail over text wasn't the wisest decision.
Particularly because if anyone got arrested, texts are among the first things looked at to find evidence. It was important in this line of work to keep your secrets and information close, and only talk about them aloud in a private space.Ā
He's looking around your apartment attentively after he steps through the door. He knew where you lived, as did Chan, but this was his first time actually being here. Felix and your brother were respectful of the space you needed when you initially left, giving you your distance and never intruding in your space. They drove by on occasion, looking around the area and making sure you were safe when you first moved in, but never anything more than that.Ā
"It's a nice place," he comments idly, hoping a bit of small talk will ease you into the conversation you want to have. Felix knew from personal experience that you have a hard time having serious conversations due to your anxiety, so he likes to try to ease the tension any way he can.Ā
Truthfully, you are nervous, but you feel almost equally assured. You have no reason to doubt that Felix will understand and help you as he always has. You move to sit on the sofa, and Felix follows, sitting in a chair across from you. "I've decided I want to tell Chan I'm done with this job. I'm sorry to him and Minho, but I don't want to do it anymore."Ā
Felix can tell you've changed a lot from the person you once were from the way you speak. You sound confident in your choice, and it was only a year ago that wanting to make a decision like this would leave you an anxious mess.
He could remember the way your voice trembled then, and how you needed to be told your feelings were valid. You sought out his advice, spent a long time going back and forth as you agonized over your sense of responsibility and wanting to live your own life. He can't sense any of that now though; you've clearly grown a lot, and you don't need his assurance anymore.Ā
"It seems like you've thought about this a lot already," Felix says, though he isn't surprised. You never wanted to be brought back to do this kind of work in the first place, so as it became clear that getting information out of Changbin would be difficult, Felix knew this would be the inevitable outcome. After all, what's the point of staying in a fake relationship if it's not necessary?
It's better to get out early, than stick it out for longer than needed and deal with the complications that would come with "breaking up" after a prolonged time together. And besides that, he was sure it must be hard for you to keep trying when this was something you wanted to leave behind; none of it was a surprise to him in the slightest.
"I'm not sure what Chan will do after you leave Changbin since this was his last idea though.. Not that it will be your concern, of course! Just do what you have to, and don't worry about what we will do next," Felix continues.Ā
"I'm not leaving Changbin," you interject, and Felix pauses, his brows furrowing in confusion. "But you said you were done? What are you..?" his voice trails off as the realization sets in. But that can't be true, surely you're not.. right?
"Noona, do you.. love him?" "Yes," you answer easily; so easily that Felix almost can't process it. You said it so assuredly, like there was no need for you to think about it. "I love him, and I'm not leaving him."Ā
Felix has known you for many years now, seen you through your best and worst moments, nearly all your ups and downs. But this is a first for him; you sound soĀ sure. He's seen you suffer through countless fake relationships, or extremely toxic real ones, so he's never seen you have such a determination to be with someone.Ā
"Noona, I support you, you know I do, but.." Felix trails off, his expression one of deep concern. There's nothing he wants more than for you to live the serene life you aspire towards, with someone who makes you happy and cares for you. He never wanted you to be dragged back into this to begin with, having expressed to Chan more than once his doubts and concerns.
But Chan wasā no,Ā is, desperate for something to come of your help. And Felix is prepared to deal with what Chan might feel from you quitting without obtaining anything, to help him create a new plan, but he's worried about what this revelation will do to your brother on a personal level.Ā
Chan is a good man but there are times that Felix is concerned for him following a dark path he can't come back from. He's not sure whether it's the suspected betrayal, the loss of his second in command, or the years of piled on hardship as leader that has led to Chan changing recently, but he doesn't have the same tenderness he once had.
Felix does his best to lessen the burden, to ease his worries and take the place of Minho in all the ways that he can, but the strain is still there, and it only grows more as time continues to pass. But he recognizes how selfish it is to not want you to do something purely because it will mean he has to deal with something difficult.
How many years have you been selfless for their sake? How many times did you set your feelings aside for the sake of someone else? How many times did you willingly keep yourself in harm's way just to give Chan what he wanted or needed? Would it be right or fair for them to ask you to give up this happiness you've finally obtained just to further their own agenda?
Felix knew the answer to that is easily no. You should be allowed to have your happiness after all this time, to love who you want without worry and not be dragged back in the moment someone else deems it a necessary sacrifice for some "greater purpose."Ā
But none of that is up to him, and he's fearful that your brother's mental state will cloud his judgment. Pain changes a person, oftentimes irrevocably. It can make the choices you'd otherwise never consider seem like the only path forward, and he fears that he can't stop Chan from continuing down the dark road heās walking on.Ā
"I know that Chan won't be happy. There might even be a chance he never forgives me for this, but I'm willing to accept that. I need to live my life how I want it to be lived. I'm done accommodating for everyone but myself. I hope he will understand, but even if he doesn't this is the decision I've made. And I hope you will support me too," you say, resolve clear in your voice.
Felix still remembers the you of over a year ago vividly, who was so scared to make a decision for herself that it agonized her to try. It's amazing, truly, how much you seem to have changed since that day. You're here, standing on your own two feet, fighting for what you want unapologetically.Ā
"I'm with you, without a doubt. I've always wanted you to be happy, and I'll talk to Chan too if I need to," Felix responds, offering you a reassuring smile as he does. "That means a lot to me Lixie, thank you." He then offers you a hug, which you gladly accept.
It pains you to think that your brother might not understand your feelings, but you realize more and more how much support you have. You don't have to go through this on your own; you have your friends and your found family by your side through everything. No matter the outcome of your talk with Chan, you feel like you'll be able to walk away with your head held the highest it's ever been.Ā
The rest of your afternoon following your conversation with Felix was spent with you planning your approach with Chan. What you should say and how you should say it, how to go about asking him to put any feelings of distaste for Changbin aside.
You'll request him to only talk to you as a brother catching up with and caring for his sister from that moment on, and never again for the purpose of a job or about his mafia life and dealings. It used to be extremely difficult for you to put together what you wanted to say, but talking with Jeongin and Felix has helped greatly.
And there's a stress that comes with planning all this out, but at the same time there's a solace. Putting yourself first has never been something that came easy to you, but underneath the bittersweet emotions is an immense pride for yourself. You hope more than anything that things will go well for you, but you can take pride in the fact that you did all you could for yourself if it doesn't.Ā
A text from Changbin pulls you from your thoughts, and you smile upon seeing that he's home and asking if you still want to come over for the weekend (which you obviously do.) You confirm your plans, telling him to go ahead and eat because you already had dinner yourself, and that you'd be on your way soon.
It doesn't take you long to get your things together and in a bag, as you basically have it down to a science given how often you do it. You let him know you're on your way as soon as you're done putting your things in the car, smiling softly to yourself as you make the modest drive to his house.
Changbin pulls you in his arms the moment he opens his door for you, making you squeak in surprise before you settle into his touch. "Are you okay Binnie?" you ask as you wrap your own arms around him. His hug is tight, urgent, in a way it never has been before.
"Hard day," he mumbles into your hair, keeping you wrapped in a tight embrace. You let him stay like that for a few moments, figuring he needs it, before you pull away to look at him.
"Why don't you let me put my things down, and then we can talk about it if you want, okay?" He nods as he lets you go, and you quickly move to set your things down in his room.Ā
He follows you over, waiting patiently for you to join him after he flops down onto his bed. He falls practically limp in your arms after you settle, head resting on your chest as you run a hand up and down his back. "What's bothering you?" you ask softly, listening attentively as he lets out an exhale before starting.
"This case, it's just.. difficult. I've been working on it for so long, but it always feels like we don't get anywhere with it. Like for every step forward, we go another two back. I don't know what else I should do, I feel like I've tried everything."Ā
You run your fingers through his hair gently as he pours his feelings out to you, offering kind reassurances and reminding him of your support. He's always been open about his feelings to some degree, but it was like you unlocked another part of his heart since the day the two of you confessed your love for each other.
Due to what he'd been through before, there was still a part of him that was scared to share too much about work, positive or otherwise. Even when he was assured that you were the one for him, that he wanted to share the entirety of the rest of his life with you, it wasn't easy to break the shackles that were holding him back. But since that day, slowly but surely he's been able to heal even more.Ā
Changbin always makes sure he does his best to keep a proper balance, to make time for the two of you to spend together and take necessary breaks to unwind and recharge, but it feels good to know he doesn't have to keep silent about a big part of his life anymore.
He trusts you, he believes in your words and your care, and he knows that you're understanding and supportive of his ambitions. He loves that he can come home after a day at the station and share his thoughts with you.
You celebrate with him on the good days and treat him gently on the bad. You never make him feel like he needs to lock his life away, and in turn he makes sure you never feel forgotten or unloved. His career is important to him, and always will be, but so are you, and he'll make sure you never question that.Ā
He looks up at you as you continue to hold and caress him, feeling a rush of emotion wash over him. He loves youĀ so much. He's thought it a million times, but he never stops feeling lucky to have you. You never judge him, think he's too clingy or too silly, never make him feel shunned or like he needs to hide away.
You accept him for all that he is, unconditionally. After the devastation he felt in the past, Changbin began to feel like he'd never find the kind of love he hoped for. That maybe it was only destined for those that God favored, and somewhere along the way he made a mistake that debarred him of that chance at happiness.Ā
But then he met you, and it was like everything fell into place. So sweet and beautiful, so accepting and with so much love to give. Your smile easily eclipsed the other beauties of the world in his eyes. No scenic nature view or star-filled sky would ever compare, not in a million years. Would it be cliche to compare you to an angel?
That's truly what you were to him thoughā an angel that saved him from the depths of his loneliness. An angel that helped him heal the wounds he couldn't care for alone. An angel that allowed him to trust unconditionally again. He trusted you from the bottom of his heart, loved you from the deepest recesses of his soul.Ā
It doesn't take long for you to notice the way Changbin is staring at you, his eyes reflecting a love that words couldn't hope to describe. He looks at you like you hold the entire world in your hands, like you're the sun and he's a planet destined to forever be in your orbit, like he'd pluck the stars out of they sky for you if they were only in his reach.
No matter how many times you see it, the look he holds never fails to make your heart race. He leans forward suddenly, capturing your lips in a kiss that is simultaneously romantic as it is incredibly needy. There's so much passion behind it that it leaves you breathless in a matter of seconds.Ā
It's almost relentless how much he kisses you, leaving you only the briefest of moments to catch a breath before he's back on you. His hands feel equally as desperate in their touch, squeezing and caressing every inch of you as they roam the expanse of your body. "Binnie..?" you let you when he finally parts long enough for you to catch your breath effectively.
"Just love you so much," he responds as he begins to kiss his way down your neck, "want to show you." Your stomach flips at his words, and part of you wants to let him, but instead you reach your hand down to his face, urging him to look back up at you. "You had a hard day, let me take care of you instead."Ā
Changbin blinks for a moment as the words process, a slight flush settling over him as it settles in him. He wasn't expecting it, but he's certainly not against it. He easily allows your positions to swap, with Changbin propped up against the pillows and you straddling him.
He is usually the one taking the lead in your intimate moments, but he also loves times like this, where you are on top of him showering him with affection. You kiss him with the same fervor he had towards you, the only difference being the addition of your tongue.Ā
He lets out a soft groan of approval when your tongue first enters his mouth, indulging in the feeling of your hands and tongue exploring him. You reach for the hem of his shirt, urging him to help you remove it from his body. He immediately reaches for yours as well, tugging it off you in a rush he normally doesn't have, but that you don't mind in the slightest.
Changbin is always eager to touch you, but he feels almost carnal in his craving for you now. He wouldn't say he ever gets enough of you in the first place, but it feels amplified now; like no touch will be anywhere near enough to momentarily satiate him.Ā
All he knows, all he has, is want. A want that is fueled by love above all else, almost saccharine in nature. He craves you this badlyĀ becauseĀ he loves you, it's as simple as that. As long as you are against him, touching his skin and hearing your voice in his ears, he'll be the happiest he's ever been.
You kiss every inch of him as you make your way down his body, every curve and every dip, not with the intent to tease but to show how much you love and care for him. Changbin can't help but giggle when you kiss his soft stomach, nose scrunching in the adorable way you love so much.
He watches you with bated breath and eager eyes as you continue lower and reach the waistband of his pants. You don't waste any time pulling them down in one go, along with his underwear, and letting his cock free of its confines.
You recognize the look in his eyes, the near desperation, and you know how bad he needs you, so you won't make him wait. He always took such good care of you, being attentive to every want and fulfilling every need, so you'll do the same for him gladly.Ā
You spend a few moments planting kisses on the sensitive flesh of his thighs, watching as his cock twitches in response. Changbin's eyes are locked on you, hands tightening their grip on the bed sheets as he awaits what he wants most. No matter how intense the fire in him blazes, he'll be as patient as you need him to be, wait as long as you want him to.
If this were another day, you'd spend more time appreciating his body and watch his resolve to hold out crack under each added kiss and touch, but you don't want to deny him what he's craving any longer than you already have.
He swallows when he sees your tongue stick out, licking up the pre-cum that has dribbled down his length before you wrap your lips around him. Changbin lets out a breathy moan as you sink lower on him, mouth open wide to accommodate his thickness.
He reaches his hands out to you, one tangling into your hair while the other searches for your hand. You bring your hand to him, letting him intertwine his fingers with yours. He's always loved the intimacy of your hands being locked together; it gives him an unmatched feeling of tenderness and love, a constant reminder of your warm presence.Ā
Your pace is slow at first, allowing your jaw to relax before you attempt to take him completely in your mouth. It takes all your power to suppress your gag reflex when his cock first hits the back of your throat, but the loud groan he lets out when you swallow around him encourages you to keep doing your best for him.Ā
He curses when your pace quickens, tongue caressing the underside of cock as your head bobs up and down. The strain on your jaw becomes painful, and your eyes are watering from all the effort, but you're determined to give him your all.
His hold tightens, causing a slight sting to your scalp, but you'd be lying if you said you didn't like it. Everytime your normally gentle lover becomes so lost in the pleasure that he can't help himself but to hold you roughly, it ignites a fire in your belly.Ā
You can tell he's getting close from the way his breath quickens and cock twitches against your tongue. "Fuck, God, fuck-" he groans as his head falls back. He squeezes your hand in an attempt to ground himself, and it takes all his self control not to thrust into your mouth.
You decide to double your efforts, taking him fast and swallowing over, over, and over again. Saliva drips from your lips, creating a messy puddle in his lap and salacious, wet sounds to ring in Changbin's ears. "Gonna cum, fuck,Ā so good, 'm gonna cum," he pants out his warning, body hot and chest heaving.Ā
His cum shoots down your throat in bursts that nearly makes you choke. Your tongue coaxes him through his orgasm as you swallow every drop of his release. You don't separate until you're sure he's finished, mouth releasing him with a small pop.Ā
You look up at him, your beautiful and perfect boyfriend in his post orgasm haze, feeling yourself clench at the sight. No matter how many times you see Changbin breathless and flushed with sweat lingering on his brow, it never fails to make your stomach do cartwheels.
You crawl up his body, moving in to slot your lips against his. Changbin lets out a sound of approval, wrapping his arms around you tightly and pulling your body flush against his. "Love you so much," he mumbles against your lips between kisses. One arm keeps you close while he lets the other move, hand snaking its way between your thighs to feel your drenched heat.Ā
"Baby.. all this just from helping me feel good?" he smiles as he asks, looking at you with sparkling eyes. He could never hope to hide how excited and elated he gets from the feeling of you being soaked for him.Ā
"Always Binnie, love making you feel good," you say with a soft smile before you capture him in another kiss. You know very well what he wants to do nextā he's going to ask if he can make you feel good too. And with Changbin, that means pouring all his love and care into you, until you are weak in the knees and too exhausted to move an inch.
But you can't let him do that tonight; you have other plans in mind. "Wanna do more for you Binnie," you say between breaths, "wanna ride your cock."
"Fuck, please, it's all yours," he groans in response, your words having an instant effect on his body. You stand to remove the rest of your clothes, and Changbin doesn't take his eyes away for even a second. He takes his cock in his hand, stroking it back to full stiffness as he watches you undressā it's hard not to writhe and whine from how sensitive he is now, but it'll be more than worth it.
You shoot him a smile as you crawl back onto his lap, one that he reciprocates easily while the eager glint in his eye grows ever stronger. He separates his hand from his cock, allowing your own hand to take its place and align it with your entrance.Ā
There's a sharp gasp from you as you start to lower yourself on his cock, the lack of preparation instantly causing tears to prick the corners of your eyes. You'd hoped being completely soaked would be enough to ease the process of Changbin entering you, but you should've known it wouldn't be enough to make it painless.Ā
"You're so good baby, doing so well, keep going love, you can do it, I've got you," he can't help but praise and encourage you despite the fact that the focus is supposed to be on him. He knows the stretch can be a lot for you even with prep, so watching you do your best to take him without it makes him want to shower you with all the praise he has to offer.Ā
Each inch taken as you sink down causes another whimper from you and a low moan from Changbin. You're clenching so tight it'd be enough to send him into delirium if he wasn't so focused on making sure you're okay.
"Good baby, you're so good," he tells you when you are finally sat completely down on him, your hips flush with his own. He places soft kisses to your skin, letting you adjust and steady your breathing. He runs his hands up and down your plush thighs, giving gentle squeezes while admiring the way you look.
You're always so pretty when you're flushed and breathless like this, always feel so good in his hands and sound so sweet. He's addicted to you he's well aware, but how could he not be? Soft and sexy you, every curve and bend perfect, an Aphrodite all his own.Ā
"Take your time, there's no rush love," Changbin plants comforting kisses against your face and neck as he speaks. You can feel him throbbing and twitching inside you, silently pleading for friction, but he encourages you to take your time despite it.
Slowly but surely however, the stinging subsides and you can feel the tension in your body begin to recede. Your first grind is slow and experimental, but it still causes a sudden sharp inhale to leave Changbin. Your hands grip his broad shoulders tightly, using them for stability as you try to find what the both of you will like the best.Ā
A string of expletives leave his lips when you find what you like and begin to move in earnest. You've just started but it already feels so impossibly good, he can't manage to stay quiet even if he wanted to (and besides that, he knows you prefer him vocal.)
Changbin pushes your hair out of your face, wanting to see your expressions with no obstruction. He watches you, mesmerized and full of adoration. Everything, from the roll of your hips to the bounce of your breasts and the lustful glaze over your eyes, he commits it all to his memory. He never wants to forget how devotedly you took care of him, and how breathtakingly beautiful you looked doing it.
You move to hold his face in your hands, kissing him with messy fervor as you bounce on his cock with more urgency, fueled by your desire to make him cum again. He holds your hips, helping you keep your rhythm steady while he squeezes the meat of it.
He can't help the way his eyes roll back, the way your walls clench tightly around him with your tongue in his mouth making him feel almost lightheaded. Each noise emitted from one of you is swallowed by the other, desperate moans and whines muffled and drowned out by the sound of your skin slapping against his.Ā
You eventually pull away, chest heaving as you finally allow more air to pass through your lungs. Your thighs burn with exertion, pace faltering as your legs begin to go weak, but you refuse to relent. Changbin can see the exhaustion settling over you though, and while he appreciates your determination to push through it, he's more than happy to take over for you.Ā
"Hold onto me baby, gonna help you," Changbin says, and you comply quickly, once again holding onto his shoulders for support. He takes complete control, using the strength in his arms to bounce you on his cock while he thrusts up into you.
You gasp and moan loudly, stars bursting in your vision. You can barely form a coherent thought with the way he's pistoning into your sweet spot from below, the angle and speed making you dizzy with pleasure. "B-Binnie, please-" you whine loudly, nails digging into his shoulders as your head slumps forward, "feels so good,Ā so good,Ā wanna cum, please-Ā "
"Cum on my cock pretty, you can do that for me, can't you? Wanna make your Binnie happy and cum all over him?" His words send electricity through you, jolting you with a force you've never felt before now.
You cum with a loud cry, eyes rolling back as you shake and quiver on top of him. You're gasping and crying through your high, his quick and precise thrusts dragging it on for what feels like an eternity. "Good girl, that's a good girl," he praises you through it, pace only slowing for the smallest of moments as he speaks to you.Ā
"Don't let go baby, gonna flip you over now,ā He warns, and you're on your back in a second, Changbin wasting no time to slip back inside your warmth and continue his fast pace. You're breathless, body on fire, and impossibly overstimulated, but it feelsĀ so good.Ā You claw at him desperately as he pounds into you, the insurmountable pleasure building back up just as fast as it faded.Ā
Your teeth sink into your bottom lip, trying in vain to contain the myriad of noises erupting from you. Changbin's hips begin to stutter, his moans quickly turning into breathy whines in your ear. You let out a shuddering moan when his fingers find your clit, moving in desperate circles to get you to cum with him.
"One more love, give me one more, cum with me," Changbin's pleading tone accompanying all else that you are feeling sends you down a spiral; your body jolts and tenses, your orgasm washing over you in fervent waves.
The way you look writhing and squirming underneath him, lewd noises uncontrollably tumbling from your lips while you squeeze tightly around him sends him careening into his own peak. You reach for the nape of his neck, pulling him in closer for another messy kiss as you both ride the tail end of your combined highs together.
Changbin collapses next to you shortly after, both of you doing your best to steady your breathing and calm your pounding hearts. You turn your head after a moment to look at him, and see his gaze already turned to you. His look is one of pure, unadulterated love and joy, entirely for you.
You always flush red when he looks at you like that, and he laughs softly when you shyly turn away. You could look him in the eyes no problem when his dick was down your throat and when he was fucking you into oblivion, but now you're like this over a little affectionate look?Ā Embarrassing. But he loves that about you, and he never stops finding it cute and endearing.Ā
"Come here, honey," Changbin says as he pulls you to him. He smiles at you, a smile that is as warm as it is bright, as he wraps you in his arms. "Thank you for tonight baby, you make me feel so much better, my sweet girl," he beams as he praises you.
Part of you feels like you should be used to it by now, but you don't think you ever will be. "I love you Binnie, you don't have to thank me for anything," you reply, a bit more timidly than you'd prefer. He shakes his head, giving you a quick kiss on the forehead before he continues speaking. "Of course I have to thank you! How else will you know how much I appreciate you?"Ā
It's your turn to smile at him this time, an adoring twinkle painting your expression. He always warms you with his words, his sweetness unparalleled by any confection. You settle into his touch, resting your head against the crook of his neck and shoulder, nuzzling in close. You stay like that for a few moments, just wrapped in each other's comforting embrace, before you hear Changbin let out a small exhale. "Y/N.. there's something I want to ask you."
"Is something still bothering you?" you ask as you glance up at him. There's a slight flush to his cheeks, paired with a nervous expression. He shakes his head quickly, taking a small moment to gather himself before he continues.
"We are together most days, you know.. And whenever you're gone all I can think about is how much I miss you being next to me. And I always think about what it'll be like to come home from work and have you already here, greeting me every night with that cute smile of yours I love so much, andā"
Changbin realizes he's rambling and getting ahead of himself, so he cuts himself off, swallowing pensively as he tries to calm his nerves. "A-Anyways, maybe it's too soon and you don't want to yet, but what I'm asking is.. Do you want to move in with me?"Ā
There's a silence that shortly follows, simply because you can't believe he's even asking. "Y-You.. want me to live here? ..With you?" Changbin nods without hesitation, the certainty clear in his eyes, "Yes, I want you here with me. I always,Ā always, want you here with me."Ā
You blink at him, your mind racing as his worlds settle in. He's always said sweet things to you, about how he misses you when you have to leave and how he can't wait to see you again every time you leave, but despite that, you're still astounded. "You don't have to say yes if you're not ready though! I won't hold it against you," he replies quickly, seemingly trying not to make you feel pressured to say yes if you're not sure about it.
But you love him so much, there's no doubt in your mind that you want to spend forever with him. Every moment, good or bad, you want to have Changbin at your side. You still need to talk to Chan, to make him understand that you're leaving your past behind you for good, but you feel nothing but optimism and hope.
If he doesn't understand your love for Changbin you'll make him understand, you'll put your all into making your dream life with Changbin a reality. And knowing how much he loves you, that he truly means it when he says he wants you with him every moment of every day is enough to fuel you through any hardship you might face. He'll always be here for you, with open arms and a cute, goofy smile to cheer you through anything.Ā
"I want to! Really, I want to," you give him a smile so bright it immediately melts all his worries away. He hugs you tightly, his happiness manifesting in a series of elated giggles. You share in the feeling, giggling along with him and kissing his cutely scrunched nose.
"I love you so much, Y/N," he says as he plants a series of kisses on your face. He meant it before when he said he'll always be there for you, that he'd never leave you, and now it's a promise that runs even deeper. Always with you, weathering any storm, hand in handā thatās what he wants to have with you.Ā
"I love you too Binnie, so much," you giggle out between his kisses that are beginning to tickle. And that's how you spend your night, laying in each other's arms, excitedly talking and giggling about your future together, knowing that no past happiness could ever compare to the joy you feel now.Ā
The time that passes since the night that Changbin asked you to move into his house has felt like a blur of planning and sorting. Thankfully, there's not much to decide when it comes to what to do about your job; moving in with Changbin only adds an extra few minutes to your commute, which you don't mind making every day.
Having to wake up earlier in the mornings from now on was a sacrifice you were more than willing to make if it meant always seeing him when you woke up.Ā So, in recent days, you spent most of your free time sorting your things.
You started small, combing every inch of your apartment for things you no longer wanted and putting them in a donation box to be given away. Next came packing things you wanted to keep, but wouldn't need in the immediate future, such as clothes that don't fit for the season and childhood memorabilia.Ā
The progress is a bit slower than you'd like given everyone's busy schedules, but you are still happy with the progress. You're happy to have help from Changbin or Jeongin when they're free, but you aren't upset when they can't make the time.
According to them, everyone has been dealing with an extra workload at the station lately, with some officers often needing to stay behind long past their usual hours to get things moving on an important (and stressful) case.
Changbin has told you about it beforeā a difficult, long running case that he hopes he can finally bring to a close. Apparently there has been a new breakthrough, but there's a high chance of their progress stagnating again if things don't proceed the way he wants it to.
As chief of police, he has a lot of responsibility to oversee the process and make sure every operation runs as smoothly as possible. It takes up a lot of his time these days, but you know how important it is for him to see an important case like this through, so you don't at all fault him at all.Ā
Jeongin, as a low ranking officer, doesn't have the same responsibilities as Changbin, but he still doesn't have much spare time due to the mafia family responsibilities he has after his time at the station.
Your brother has apparently been preparing for a large-scale operation that requires everyone to chip in as much as possible. According to Jeongin and Felix, Chan has been planning for months to raid the base of the enemy mafia he was supposed to make an alliance with, and everything he needed to conduct said raid is finally coming together.
They said there was no rat on their side of course, but Chan can't just take their words at face value. It's more important to him to obtain that truth with his own hands, and if necessary he'll make his amends later.
In his mind, it's better to be wrong and ask for forgiveness when the fire he set quells, rather than to play into whatever plans they may have to ruin him by being trusting and complacent. No one he has planted in key places has made progress on discovering who betrayed him or how he can get Minho out of prison, and it seems that this is his final gambit.Ā
There are a fair amount of people within the family who don't agree with the decision, as it's dangerous and will only invite even more hostility between the two families, while others revel in the anticipated chaos and can't wait to get their hands dirty.
Personally, you are among the people who don't agree with this course of action, but all you can really do is try to convince Chan to change his course of action before you leaveā it's up to him whether he wants to listen or not. Though at this point, you're not sure if you'll be able to talk to him before it happens in the first place.
He initially thought up this plan months ago, but he recognized the risks and he did his best to explore the safer avenues first. He knew they would take longer, and that it could possibly leave him no further than when this began, but he wasnāt the type to needlessly put those he loves in danger.
But now that so much time has passed, and itās become clearer to him that this raid will likely be his last chance to get what he wants, he needs to put his all into making sure it goes flawlessly. The final preparations are the most crucial of all, which hasn't left him with much time to spare to talk to you.Ā
You kept texting and calling, asking him when he'll have a spare moment so you can talk, but it often went unseen, sometimes for days at a time. "If you have information to deliver, give it to Felix and he'll get it back to me," he replied once, making it very clear that he wouldn't make time for anything that would distract him from his planning.
It saddened you more than anything, as you were hoping to have everything put behind youĀ beforeĀ you moved in with Changbin, but if Chan couldn't make time for you then there was nothing else you could do.Ā
You opted for texting him your resignation a few days ago, which you hated doing as you wanted to express it in person, but you didn't want to live with Changbin while having your "job" still being an expectation held over your head. His response was a clear cut, "I understand. I'm sorry I brought you back into it due to my own desperation, that was wrong of me. I hope you'll be happier from now on."Ā
You were worried at first that he was just saying those things to make you feel better and was actually upset with you, so Felix offered to ask him about it in your stead since he is around Chan for most of his days.
He asked about it between scheduled organization sessions, and relayed that Chan did genuinely seem to be okay with you leaving again, even if it meant you quitting the job. He had always felt bad for asking knowing that you wouldnāt enjoy it, but he did anyway because it was the last idea he had before having to resort to his more extreme options.Ā
He knew Changbin would be a tough target, and he knew there was a chance it wouldnāt work the way heād hoped for, but it was the final barrier before making an extreme decision. And itās unfortunate the near-miracle he was hoping for didnāt happen, but thatās what his other preparations were for. He was ready for this outcome, always, as he learned a long time ago that it pays to be prepared.Ā
And as things stand now, Chan had a lot of hope in his raid and the execution of his plans going well for him. So as more and more time passed, he always intended to both thank you and apologize sincerely, for once again doing something selfless for his sake, and that you would be free to leave whenever youād want to. It was regrettable that he couldnāt give you his best wishes sooner, but he hoped you would realize their sincerity.Ā
It was a bit odd to have to play telephone with others to hear those words from your brother, but it eased your mind nonetheless. And he promised that the two of you would have a sibling get together as soon as he was able to, with no expectations about you rejoining or doing favors for the family; just simply enjoying one another's time as a normal brother and sister would.
The thought made you happy, and you hoped it was a sign of good things to come. You're not sure if there will ever be a time where your brother and your lover can ever meet and happily exist in the same space, but you could at least be happy if Chan cheers for your happiness from afar.
So with all that in mind, you've begun to pack more eagerly in the last few days. You have all of your out of season clothes packed now, boxes safely nestled in various corners of your apartment and ready to be taken to Changbin's place at any moment.
You even smile to yourself as you pack away your childhood objects, giddy as you think about where each object would look having its own spot in Changbin's house. Everything, from imagining where you'll display your favorite old teddy bear to what your clothes will look like tucked away next to his is enough to make you beam with delight.Ā
And thankfully, Jeongin is finally free to help you tonight, arriving with some desperately needed coffees in hand. "Drink up Noona, you must be exhausted from all this work," he smiles as he passes one of the coffees to you, which you graciously accept. "Yeah, working all day and then having to pack my stuff alone in the eveningsĀ sucks," you complain after taking several big sips of your drink.
Honestly, you really appreciate the help. There's no doubt in your mind that Jeongin must be tired too, but he's still deciding to help you anyways. And besides that, it'll be nice to have someone to talk to while you do the mindless task of putting things in boxes.Ā
"So, Chan doesn't have you working tonight?" you ask after the pair of you begin packing away your various kitchen items. "I already did my work, technically. He just wanted me to go to the station as usual today and observe everyone. I was supposed to let him know if anyone seemed more on edge than usual."
"Oh. I'm guessing he wants to get an idea about if the police are clued in on his plans again?" you ask, and Jeongin nods. "Yeah. He said that if I discovered that they knew anything, he would change tactics. Trip them up by swapping the days around, changing what time of day to strike, and things like that. But everyone seemed normal."
That makes sense, you think; while high standing officers are supposed to keep their cool at all times, not everyone has a good poker face, and if someone seemed exceptionally nervous, that could be a good indicator that something big was on the horizon. "So everything is good at the station? Are things going well with that big case Changbin has been worried about lately?"Ā
"I think so," Jeongin answers, as he finishes putting the last of a plate set gently into a box. "I'm a low standing officer there, so I actually don't know much about the cases Changbin oversees personally, or what goes on in the other departments. But it looks like things are going well, as far as I can tell. I won't know more than that unless I get assigned to the case."Ā
You nod in understanding as he speaks, taping a box shut as you finish filling it up with various dishware. It's a stressful time for everyone it seems, but you hope things go well. You'll be happier when Changbin finally closes his case and has more free time to spend with you, and you'll be happy when you talk to Chan as siblings and put your past fully behind you.
You'll also be happier when Jeongin doesn't have to lead a double life anymore like you've had to for so many years before now. More than that, you hope that following this everyone you love can stay out of harm's way for as long as possible.Ā
The two of you make idle small talk as you finish packing the kitchen, leaving only enough dishes out for you to use while still finishing the rest of your packing. You leave the lugging of the boxes around the house to Jeongin, as he's much stronger than you, and you'd rather him be the one to carry around all that heavy glass and porcelain.
You both jump when his phone suddenly rings and he nearly drops the box he's carrying, but thankfully he doesn'tā disposing of all that broken glass and having to replace them with new sets would be a nightmare.Ā "Help me put this down if you can, so I can answer my phone, please," he says, and you hold the opposite end of the box, helping him ease the box to the floor as swiftly but safely as possible.
He pulls his phone out of pocket as quickly as he's able, answering the phone in his usual mannerism. "Hey, Felix-hyung, what's up?" Your ears perk up at hearing him say a familiar name, and look at him with a questioning gaze, while Jeongin just shrugs in your direction.
You wait patiently for him to finish his phone call, deciding to use this time as a small break from all the work you've been putting in. You sit down, settling into your sofa before absentmindedly listening to Jeongin talk on the phone.
However, dread settles in your gut as you watch his expression change. āWhat? What is it?ā You ask, body going stiff as your mind races through the possibilities and you prepare to hear the worst. āChan-hyung started the raid, and it hasnāt been going well for either side. The police were there, and... Changbin is pursuing him.āĀ
No. You don't want to believe it. Your blood runs cold in your veins as you start to put the pieces together; the case that Changbin has been struggling with because the culprit was so elusive, the case that he was so happy to finally have a lead on after months of stagnation, the operation he's been carefully planning for weeks to finally bring the person he's been looking for to justice.. It was about Chanā this entire time he's had your brother in his sights.Ā
You weren't oblivious to the fact that your brother was a wanted man, you've always known that the police were looking for him and that this outcome was a possibility, but you foolishly hoped that everything would reach a peaceful conclusion.
And now they are going to be in each other's sights, with Changbin having no idea of your relation to the man he's been hunting, and Chan not knowing how you feel about Changbin, while backed in a corner and prepared to doĀ anythingĀ to get out of it.
Youāre on your feet in an instant, rushing to grab your keys to leave. āNoona! You canāt go, itās too dangerous for you!ā Jeongin rises to his feet after you, bolting to beat you to your front door. āI have to go, I canāt just sit here!ā You exclaim as you try to desperately push your way past him.
āDonāt be reckless, letās make a plan with Felix-hyung first,ā Jeongin pleads, trying to appeal to your rational side. Rationality has left you however, being replaced solely by panic and urgency. āWe donāt have time for that, Felix already has his hands full with everything else, weāre lucky he even had a chance to call! I have to go before itās too late to stop something bad from happening, theyāll listen to me!ā
God dammit.Ā He doesn't want to let you walk into a situation like this, but the way you're looking at him, so full of trepidation and urgency, with eyes desperately pleading to let you pass, it makes him feel like a knife is twisting in his gut. And there's truth in your words; maybe, if you can reach them in time, you can prevent the worst case scenario from unfolding.
He hates it, but maybe it is the only way to make sure everyone gets out of this unharmed. Neither Chan or Changbin want you to be hurt, so they would stop the altercation they were having if you showed upā theyād have to. āOkay, but Iām going with you. You canāt go alone.ā Jeongin concedes, stepping aside to let you out and following swiftly behind you.
You immediately start to make a beeline for the front seat of your car, but Jeongin reaches out to stop you, grabbing your arm firmly. "Let me, you shouldn't drive in this state," he reasons with you, holding out his opposite hand to accept your keys from you.
You're really in no place to argue, and he's probably right; how can you possibly worry about driving safely in this situation? So you concede easily, to Jeongin's relief, placing your keys in his hand and trusting him to get you where you need to be as quickly as he safely can.Ā
Jeongin gets the location from Felix, and while truthfully the drive is only several minutes at most, it feels like an eternity to you. Every attempt to calm yourself ends in vain, no amount of breathing techniques or affirmative talk being enough to calm the barrage of dread.
You're scared, you realize.Ā So fucking scared.Ā Scared of your brother's fate, of Changbin's, what you'll do if you arrive in time and what you'll do if youĀ don't. Fuck, you really don't want to think about that scenario. You'll get there in time, you have toā there's no other option.Ā
Jeongin curses as you approach the surrounding area of the building that everyone is supposedly inside ofā itās completely walled off by a police barricade, with officers redirecting civilians and forcing them out of the area.
āWhat do we do? We need in there,ā he muses pessimistically, more to himself than to you. Still driving, though more slowly so as to not approach the barricade closely, he reaches out for his phone, hoping to call Felix and find a way for you to get inside.Ā
But you donāt have any time to spare. You canāt wait for Felix, and you donāt have the luxury of using your limited time to make a plan of action. All you can do is go, and hope your feet carry you quickly to where you need to be.
You rush out of the car before Jeongin even has a chance to bring it to full stop, your feet carrying you as fast as they can, desperate to prevent the worst from happening. You hear Jeonginās voice ring out behind you, but whatever heās yelling out is lost on you. The adrenaline pumping in your veins blocks out everything that isnāt in your immediate view. You have to get to them in time, you have to,Ā you have to.
Your eyes quickly scan the perimeter, searching for a point of chaos between the police, your family, and the rival family that you can use to your advantage. If things go your way, you could slip past the police in charge of maintaining the barricade through the confusion. And if youāre even more lucky, you could run past all the fighting and stray bullets unscathed.
You donāt feel good about how much of this relies on luck, as youāve never had it on your side, but thereās no other options. You have to just let your feet carry you forward, and pray with all your might that things donāt turn out for the worst.Ā Finding a spot you think will be your best bet, you take a breath to steel yourself, and run.
There are shouts all around you as you dart past everyone as quickly as you can manage, officers and mafia members alike. You ignore the voices as you run, eyes combing everything around you in hopes of finding something or someone familiar to lead you down the right path.
Youād been in your fair share of dangerous situations, but this is easily the most dire of them all. Everything is against you, but you have to carry on regardless, even if it all ends in vain. āNoona!ā A familiar voice calls out and you stop, frantically searching for the owner of the voice that called out to you.
You eventually see Jisung standing in the distance, and the pair of you run to each other, dodging past as much of the unfolding chaos as you can. āWhat are you doing here? You shouldnāt be involved in this,ā he talks with alarm and bewilderment.Ā
When he first saw you, he thought his eyes were playing tricks on him. He hasnāt seen you in over a year, so he mustāve mistaken someone else for you. But the closer you came, the more he realized itĀ wasĀ you he was seeing, and that his eyes werenāt deceiving him. āI need to find Chan, do you know where he is?ā you ask between quick inhales.
āNoona, you should take a minute, youāre clearly out of breath andāā If this were another time, you wouldāve appreciated and thanked him for his concern, but you canāt afford to waste time right now.
āI need to see Chan, right now, itās important! Do you know where he is?ā you repeat, hoping to reflect the urgency of your situation. Jisung is possibly the most confused and concerned heās ever been in his life, but your desperation is palpable and itās obvious to him that whatever this is, he doesnāt have the luxury to ask for any elaboration right now.Ā
āHe had an escape route prepared in case this happened, that way,ā Jisung points to the north, away from most of the surrounding fighting and police presence, before he continues, ābut you really should be careful, it might not be safeāā
You begin running again before he can continue, yelling out an apology and a thanks as you go. Heās stunned in place for a moment, cursing as he decides on whether or not he should follow you. Jisung decides, however, itād be best to stay and keep people off your path. Heāll do his best to make sure that no one that would harm you, or Chan, makes it past him.
You arenāt sure how long youāve been running for, as images blur and merge in your peripheral. This is the most youāve ever run in your entire life, your lungs burn and your legs are becoming heavier and heavier from exhaustion with each step, but you have to keep going, no matter what.
AndĀ finally, the silhouettes of people appear in the distance. The flame of urgency burning within you that was being snuffed by exhaustion is reignited in an instant, body now reinvigorated to carry you further.Ā
Your heart sinks as you begin to more closely approach the scene in front of you. Changbin is injured, hand gripping his bloodied arm as the harsh gravel digs into his knees on the ground while the handgun he was granted for this operation lies yards away from him in the dirt.
Chan has his aim set on Changbin, gun cocked and ready to fire another shot if Changbin makes a move. He canāt hope to reach his own gun before Chan takes another shot at him, and he wonāt be able to disarm and cuff him with his arm in the state itās in. Heās stuck in place, doomed to whatever fate Chan has in store for him unless he can come up with a plan within the next minute.Ā
āDonāt shoot!ā Your voice calls out desperately as you run forward, rushing to stand in front of Changbin and block him with your body before your brother can act.
āY/N? What are you doing?ā Chan is clearly surprised by the intrusion, but he doesnāt lower the gun yet, evidently waiting for you to move out of the way so he can take the shot he had lined up. āDonāt shoot him,ā you repeat, tears pricking the corners of your eyes.Ā
Changbin is frozen in place, mind reeling as he stares at your backside. How are you here? What is your relation to the mafia head he's been hunting? Did you know he would be here, or was this coincidence? What is happening? Is this even real?
Was he already dead, and now in his final moments he is projecting your image in front of him to bring himself comfort? No, if you were a projection of his mind then surely things would be different. Youād hug him warmly, make his final moments peaceful by reminding him of your love and planting kisses to his cheeks.
This is reality. A dreadful reality.Ā Ā
āAre you serious?ā Chan says incredulously, baring an expression youād seen many times pointed at enemies, but never at yourself. HeāsĀ angry, teeth gritting as he stares you down. āYouāre going to protect him? What about Minho, huh? Youāre gonna side with the man that put him in?ā
His gun remains firmly pointed forward, though his hand is no longer as steady. Thereās a tremble as various emotions course through him; anger, hurt, sadness, confusion. None of it makes sense to him. Why would you do this?Ā Ā
āHeās just doing his job! Heās not a bad man just because you donāt like that!ā You argue, hands trembling as you raise your voice to your brother. Youād never argued with him before, normally having always been on the same side. But he doesnāt see the way youāve changed, doesnāt know the pain you harbored all these years and how it ate away at you.
He doesn't know the depth of your feelings for Changbin, and how you'd willingly put yourself in danger a million times over before you'd let something bad happen to him. āYouāre the one in the wrong, not Changbin.ā
Some people resort to crime because they have no choice; itās all they know or the only way they can survive. They do it because they must, even if they hate it and even if it pains them. And you used to feel that way tooā like you didn't have a choice.
You felt like your life was decided for you the moment you were born, and that youād never be free of hardship. But you did have a choice, you always did, and Chan does too, even if he doesnāt realize it at this moment.Ā
Chan can choose to step away, he can choose to not let the expectations of your deceased parents determine his course, he can choose to be a better person than he was yesterday. Itās not yours or Chanās fault that this was the life you were born into, but you realized it didnāt have to stay that way.
You had the power to change your own life, and Chan does too. Whether or not he shoots is a choice; he doesnāt have to do this, and youāll make him understand that at any cost.
Your brother scoffs in disbelief as he lowers the gun, his expression the most cold and distant youād ever seen pointed at you. āYou love him, donāt you? Is that what this is?ā Thereās no other explanation.
Youād never done this before; youāve always had strong morals, youāve always hated the terrible things he had to do, but despite that you still never stopped him like this. So why else would you now, after all this time, unless it's love?Ā
āI do,ā you answer firmly, trying your best to convey how serious you are. He scans your face, looking for any sign that this might all somehow be an elaborate joke despite knowing inside that thereās no way that it is.
His eyes move behind you next, taking in the utter shock and confusion painted on Changbinās face. āHe doesnāt know, does he?ā Chan states more than asks. Itās obvious you didnāt reveal the truth of your life to him, otherwise he wouldnāt have such a bewildered expression.
āKnow what..?ā Changbin manages to finally find his voice, though heās not sure he even wants to hear the answer. Chan shifts his gaze back to you, taking in your expression next. Thereās trepidation there, sure, but underneath is a determination heās never seen in you before you. A resolve that is both unflinching and resolute.
Are you that determined to protect this man? Youād choose him over your own brother, yourĀ family?Ā He means so much to you that youād throw everything else away? That's what makes him the most hurt of all.Ā
āIām her brother,ā Chan says almost nonchalantly, though you know your brother well enough to hear the emotion underneath. The faux calm, almost indifferent expression masking the true depth of what he feels. It would fool you if you were a stranger, but the years of growing up together gives him away easily.
It was something you used to admire in himā his ability to remain calm despite being anything but was something you were sure required a lot of self control and restraint. But now that his vindication is pointed at you, a chill runs down your spine.
You know what Chan is capable of, and you know how easy it is for him to remove threats. And while you hope your bond as siblings is enough to prevent him from doing the worst, there is truly no guarantee.
He would go to great lengths to protect the life he has, even if it meant committing to a task that agonized him; youāve seen it done multiple times. Youāre his last blood relative left, and he loves you dearly, but is that enough? Can you say for certain that heād never, under any circumstance, harm you?Ā
If it were the Chan of the past, you would be assured in your safety. Heād never jeopardize you, never put you in harm's way, never be the cause for any suffering you might feel. But somewhere along the way, he lost himself, and the Chan you see in front of you now isn't the same brother you knew years ago. Years of hardship have worn on him, months of anger and betrayal warping him into someone you donāt recognize anymore.Ā
āY/N..? Is that true..?ā You hear Changbinās voice from behind you, hollow and hesitant. He knows the answer is the one he hates, and he dreads having to hear it, but he has to, in your own words with your own voice. Even if the truth plagues him, even if the grief kills him, he just has to hear it from you.
You want to turn around and face him, to explain this situation from your perspective, but you canāt yet. There is a part of you that fears what will ensue if you turn your back to your brother right now.
āPlease, walk away,ā you plead with Chan, desperation clear in your tone. Changbin is trembling behind you, he realizes; not from fear, but from an overwhelming and all encompassing sorrow overtaking him.Ā
The tension in Chanās body loosens, but his gaze is still harsh as he looks at you. āFine. Iāll walk awayā not because I give a shit about what happens to him, though. Iām doing it for you.ā He turns to Changbin next, stare as cold as ice.
āMy sister bought you a favor today. I canāt promise what will happen if you come after me again. Remember that, yeah?ā He looks at you one last time, making sureĀ youĀ remember that as well. That if there is a next time, he wonāt be holding backā and he expects you to accept that.Ā
You spend a few moments watching Chan walk away, not turning to look at Changbin until he is just a dark silhouette against the nearly set sun. Changbin rises to his feet with some difficulty, but he doesnāt accept it when you reach your arms out to help him. You swallow, biting back tears as you lower your arms. You understand why he didnāt accept your help, but fuck, does it hurt.Ā
āYour estranged brother I never met, that you said you haven't been in contact with for a long time.. This is why?ā The anguish in his voice is evident and it makes your heart squeeze in your chest.
You nod slowly, your hesitancy not due to any lack of desire to tell the truth, but because you loathe the inevitable outcome. Heās leaving you today. He doesnāt trust you anymore. He doesnāt love you anymore.Ā
āAnd Jeongin? Does he know what your brother does too?ā āYes,ā you answer, trying not to let the agony you feel make your voice tremble, āI can explain everything but you need to go to the hospital, your armāā
You watch Changbin take a shuddering breath as he takes in your words. Maybe itās the shock, the adrenaline, or both, but he doesnāt feel the pain anymore. In fact, he couldnāt care less about getting medical attention right now. He needs answers from you, right now, more than anything else.
āSo, what was the point of all this then? You were supposed to use me and throw me away afterwards, is that it?ā His tone is as accusatory as it is despondent. Tears begin to fall from your eyes, no longer able to be stopped from willpower alone. āWere you playing me for a fool this entire time?ā You close your eyes, trying to steady your breathing. You have to be honest, lying to him even after all this will make it worse.Ā
āI met you because my brother asked me to, but I was never going to hurt you! Jeongin and I, weā we donāt want to do things like that anymore. We are trying to put our pasts behind us.ā You plead with him to understand you, to not believe that you would ever purposely hurt him. The last thing you ever wanted was to see this expression on his face. Broken. Dejected. Miserable.Ā
"How can I believe that now? How am I supposed to trust that you're not telling me another lie?" Changbin bites back, a tidal wave of emotion behind each word. He loved you so genuinely, but what does he do now? How can he look at all the interactions you had and not question the motive behind each one?
He didnāt want to doubt you like this. He wanted to believe that you meant it when you said you loved him all this time. You healed every broken part of him, only to shatter him all over again.
āThat dayā when you told me you loved me for the first time.. You said you were afraid Iād leave you someday. Is this why?ā he asks, trying desperately to believe you. He doesn't know if he can anymore, but deep inside, he still wants toā he doesn't want to let you go, despite what you've done. That almost makes it even worse.
āI love you, and thatās the truth. I understand if you donāt believe me but Iāve never lied about that.ā Tears are streaming down your cheeks, your entire world feeling like itās on the verge of collapse. Changbinās heart aches unbearably. He trusted someone after all this time, only for it to turn out like this?Ā
"You lied to meā you knew how much I trusted you and youĀ lied to me," his voice breaks now, and he turns his face away, refusing to look at you any longer.
"And did you ever think about the fact that I could lose my job because of this? You know how much my career means to me, did that ever really matter to you?" he contiues, voice wavering painfully, "If anyone finds out that Iāve been dating someone with a criminal connection, Iāll look corrupt. It wonāt matter that I didn't know, Iāll be forced to resign."Ā
āI..ā you want to reply, but you donāt have the words. Heās right, of course. The public wonāt care that youāve tried to change, they wonāt care that you have a clean record or live a quiet, modest life. Theyāll see a scandal. Theyāll see you as someone unworthy of society.
And theyāll turn on Changbin, the man who has done nothing but dedicate his life to protecting them. Theyāll accuse him, misunderstand him, drag his reputation through the mud.Ā A scandal will ruin the public perception of police, itāll taint his spotless career in a matter of seconds. And itāll be all your fault, always.
Youāve always lived your life selflessly, put others before yourself, did the things you hated to make someone elseās life easier. You were selfish, just this once. Just this once, you did something for your own happiness. Just this once, you hoped that the world would do you a favor, and allow you to keep the joy you obtained.Ā
But, as always, that joy wasnāt meant for you. As always, the life you were born into ruined any chance at happiness you ever had. You clung, desperately, to the idea that your life with Changbin would always be happy. You clung to the hope that the sorrow youāve lived with for so long would never make its return. You clung to the love Changbin offered you, to the peace he brought you, and to the future you dreamed of building with him.
That future crumbled before your eyes in an instant. You wish you could cry, kick, and scream, beg Changbin to believe you and not turn away, but you canāt. Because you canāt blame him for not being able to see you the same way anymore. Itās not his fault, nothing is. If he can never trust you again, or see you the same way as he did yesterday, thereās nothing you can do but accept it.
You look at him, heartbroken as stray tears falling down in his face, the grief palpable. You try to find your voice, but even if you do, what more can you say? Will it even make a difference? But you should try at least. You canāt leave things like this. You canāt watch him hurt like this and do nothing in response.
āChangbin, I.. I understand if you canāt trust me anymore. But I do genuinely, with all my heart, love you. I wouldnāt have stopped my brother if I didnāt. Even if you never want to look at me again, I hope youāll believe that, at least,ā you sob out the words, trying not to stutter with each one that passes your lips.Ā
Changbin looks at you, lips trembling. His mouth opens and closes, as if he was about to speak but decided against it, or couldnāt find the words. Everything hurts, he doesnāt know what to say anymore. He loves you so much, but should he accept what you say so easily? Even if he wants everything to go back to the way things were before, is it even possible anymore?Ā
But in the entire time heās known you, youāve always seemed so genuine. Your pretty smiles, your loving embraces, your sweet words. The way you cried over him, supported him, loved him.. How could any of that be fake?
And, if he thinks about it, he could understand why you wouldnāt want to share your shameful past with someone. You never went into detail about why you didnāt keep in contact much with your brother, but if your explanation is true, it makes sense.Ā
Itās hard to talk about the things you arenāt proud of, the things you hate about yourself or the life you led. He knows from his own experience how challenging it is to be emotionally vulnerable with someone, but it always seemed like you were trying your best with him. He can remember all the times you opened up to him well, because of how happy it made him feel to know you loved and relied on him.Ā
Was it wrong of you to leave out the truth of your brother? Of course it was. A lie by omission is still a lie, after all. And maybe you were just a good actor all this time, but he couldnāt help but believe in his memories.
His memories of you telling him about your life, about the things you love and the things you feel. You shared so much with him..Ā Surely after this long, you would've slipped up if your feelings weren't true.Ā
The average person can't hide feelings of contempt easily, subtle changes in their facial expressions and body language often betray them, and they drop their guard when they feel like they are no longer being observed.
And he's watched you a lot, looking at you with eyes full of love and joy whenever you thought he was no longer looking. He would see the bashful smiles, your pink tinted cheeks, the soft giggles to yourself. All so cute, all so endearing, all soĀ real.Ā
No one could possibly fake that, right? Even the best of actors would eventually grow weary of their act, wouldn't they? He doesn't know what to think anymore, nor what to do. All he knows is that he loves you, and he doesn't want this to be the end. Even if it's what he should do, he doesn't want to turn away from you.
Regardless of your past, or what you may have hidden about your life, it's an undeniable truth that you helped him overcome his troubles. You made his life better simply by existing in the same space. You always greeted him with a smile full of warmth and care.Ā He loves you. "I.. need to think," Changbin finally says after some time, "I don'tā"
"Chief!" You hear a voice call out, and the both of you turn in its direction, seeing a small unit of officers running towards you. His body immediately stiffens, face changing in an instant. He canāt look vulnerable in front of his men. He canāt let them see the feelings underneath the surface of his expression.
Their weapons are drawn as they approach, pointed at you cautiously, prepared to make a move if it seems like you will take a step out of line. Changbin instinctively stands in front of you, speaking to his subordinates in a clear voice, "Stand down, she's a civilian."Ā
"Apologies ma'am," the one leading the unit says before they all bow an apology to you. Changbin looks at you, swallowing as he decides, for the first time in his career, that he will lie for someone. "The target evaded capture by using her as a hostage. He opened fire after I secured her."
Changbin, stout, honest, and resolute Changbin, who never went against his morals and always upheld the law, just lied on your behalf.
"Were you hurt?" one asks you, while another calls for assistance on his walkie. "N-No, I'm fine, I.." you hesitate for a moment, taking a breath that you hope just makes you appear like you're recovering from the shock of being a hostage. "He protected me."
"Our on site medics have their hands full, but an additional ambulance is on the way, Chief," the officer with the walkie speaks up, turning to you next. "We'll need to interview you ma'am. Can you answer some questions for us?"
You open your mouth to speak, but Changbin places his hand on your shoulder, stopping you in your tracks. "Let her be evaluated before you question her. Even without physical injury, she's been through a lot. She's not in a state to answer questions," Changbin says to them. He uses a commanding tone, but one that is somehow still full of care.
"Of course, sir." The officer bows to him respectfully. Changbin looks at you, his expression unreadable. You suppose this must be the stern poker face that you've heard so much about, but never seen with your own eyes.
"We'll be in contact." He says, and though you know that's something he has to tell you as an officer to a witness, you can't help the way it gives you hope. You hope there will be a day that Changbin forgives you. You hope that he will still love you as he did when this day began. You can wait, no matter how long it takes, because it'll be worth it for him.
Changbin walks away from you now, evidently to talk with his team about matters a civilian like you isnāt supposed to hear. You fall to your knees when heās out of immediate view, with the pair of officers that stayed behind to watch over you trying to catch you.
Now that all the adrenaline has faded from your system, and you no longer have strong emotions making you ignore the ache in your body, your legs have practically turned to jello, no longer strong enough to hold you up.Ā Your body is the weakest itās ever felt, sore and frail from all the exertion.
The officers around you make a small commotion, trying to help you to your feet and assuring you that help will be here soon. But despite that, you still look on in the direction Changbin went. You wish you could know if heāll be okay. You wish you could know if he still cares about you.
Or, at the very least, you wish you could know that he doesnāt hate you. You hope his arm doesnāt hurt too terribly, you hope it heals well, and you hope that he forgives you for the pain you and your brother have caused him.Ā
Thatās all you want, you think. For Changbin to be happy and healthy. You hope heāll still love you, but youāll be okay if he doesnāt, as long as he doesnāt hate you for what youāve done. Youāll be content with never having him in your life again, as long as he forgives you.
Youāll wish him well, with the best smile you can muster, even if all he ever does is accept your apologies. Because you love him, and you want the best for him. Itāll hurt, but if he decides the best for him isnāt you, itāll be okayā itāll have to be.Ā
You wonāt be selfish, or at least youāll try your very best not to be. You wonāt expect anything from him that you shouldnāt. You wonāt beg, or plead, or force. But youāll hope, because thatās all you have now.
Itās all youāve ever had, really. Hope for a better future, a better life, a happier existence. And all you can do is hope- that your better future will include Changbin.Ā
Changbin, who you hope forgives you, who you hope still loves you, who you hope still wants you in his life. Changbin, who has shown you how happy life can be when you let the right person in. Changbin, who melted the ice that filled the cracks in your heart, and replaced it with warmth. Changbin, who took the broken parts of you and pieced them back together, who treated you like porcelain worthy of the utmost care.Ā
If youāre an angel to him, then he is a seraph to you. His light shines brightly, as brilliant as the sun, his warmth beyond comparison, his smile incandescent. Youāll always love him, no matter how much time passes.
Even if he no longer feels the same, and even if he never sees you again, you wonāt be able to love anyone else the way youāve loved him. Thatās just how important he is to you; no one else could take his place in your heart.Ā
He taught you how to trust again. He reminded you how it felt to smile with sincerity, to love genuinely, to laugh unapologetically. Itās something you will always cherish, with all that you are and all that you have.
Seo Changbin is irreplaceable, and always will be. You love him, and always will. And you hope,Ā hope,Ā hope, that heāll always love you too.
It's been months since the last time Changbin has spoken to you. Long, emotionally draining months. He missed you, so terribly, but he couldn't bring himself to talk to youā at least, not yet anyways. There was just so much to think about after he learned the truth about your family, and about the lies that surrounded you as a result of it.
He could understand why you didn't tell him about your brother, but it still hurt to find out the way he did. And it also left him conflicted and confused about how he should move forward if the two of you stayed together.Ā
He's not just a police officer, he's the chief. Everyone looks up to him, he's the one that has to be turned to in crucial moments, the one who has to make hard decisions. He has a lot of power, the one in charge of multiple units and operations.
With all that comes responsibility, not just to his subordinates, but to the public. He has a duty to protect them, a duty to adhere to the law, and a duty to uphold the truth. And while at first, his immediate concern when he found out about your brother was what it could possibly do to his career, there was more to it than just that.Ā
Changbin can't ignore the fact that your brother is a criminal, even if he wanted toā it's his sworn duty as an officer to arrest criminals. Would you be able to, in all honesty, never harbor resentment or hatred for him if he had to arrest or harm your brother?
If the situation was swapped, and it was Changbin pointing the barrel of his gun at Chan, would you be able to accept that? If he had to shoot your brother, could you say for certain that you wouldn't despise him for it? If cutting off your brother for good was necessary for the two of you to be happy together, would you honestly never be angry or resentful about it?
You might say yes, and you might wholeheartedly believe that when you say it, but the human heart is complex and uncertain in nature. There may come a day in the future where you realize how much you miss your family, and come to blame Changbin for the distance between you. The ties people have to their loved ones are immense, and oftentimes inseverable by will alone.Ā
And maybe none of that will ever come to be. Maybe his concerns are unfounded, and you would be resolute in your choice to be with him no matter what happened to your brother, but he can't help but think about it.
A spur of the moment decision could change his life forever, and he has to consider every outcome, no matter how unlikely and how much he trusts in your feelings. His future with you is uncertain, and that scares him.Ā
There were many days where he stared at your contact in his phone, trying to find the words to send to you, but not being able to. He'd never known himself to hesitate like this before, never been scared of uncertainties and rejection.
Even at his most torn down, he always did his best to live his life as confidently as he could, with the mindset that if things didn't go his way he would eventually recover. There were so many losses that wore at him, so many heart breaks to recover from, but he always turned out okay in the end.
Changbin always strived to live his life with optimism despite it all. Even in his worst, most depressed moments, he dragged himself out of the muck, and worked earnestly towards getting the things he wanted. He never feared moving forward from loss, because he knew you could get what he once had back with effort.
Whenever he faltered he picked himself back up, when he was lost in darkness he would persevere until the light returned to him. But now, here he was, crippled by the fear of losing something, someone, he wants dearly, unable to pick himself back day the way he always could before.
His fear turned to hesitance, which has eventually turned to inactionā uncharacteristically, he watches life pass him by, stares at your name in his phone and does nothing.Ā He sighs heavily, head hitting his desk as he falls against it. He just doesn't know what to do.
If he reaches out to you, will you respond? What if he wasted so much time in his fear, that now you've moved on, and he's wasted whatever chance at happiness with you he had?
He stares at nothing for a long while, his head simultaneously feeling full to the brim with thoughts and like a vast nothingness, almost numb. A knock on his office door suddenly breaks his trance, and he lifts his head, beckoning whoever is on the other side to enter.Ā
"Sir, Yang Jeongin is requesting to speak with you," the officer who enters says, and Changbin's eyebrows raise in surprise. The Yang Jeongin that was working here until the incident a few months ago? Your little brother? That Yang Jeongin?
"What is he doing here?" he asks after a moment, but the officer shrugs in response. "Don't know. Said it was something only the chief should hear. Maybe it's a lead on one of your cases?" they suggest and Changbin frowns. There is only one reason Jeongin would want to speak to him after all this timeā it's you. Whatever he has to say, it's about you.Ā
"Tell him I'll be right out," Changbin says as he stands, and the officer nods, bowing politely as they close the door behind themself. Changbin takes a moment to steady his racing heart, taking a deep breath before he leaves his office. He strides coolly past the many desks where other officers are sitting, hoping to maintain a calm exterior and not give away the trepidation he feels.
Jeongin is sitting on a bench in the front hall of the station, and he offers a small wave when he spots Changbin opposite of him. "Chief," Jeongin starts, but immediately corrects himself, "Well, I guess I shouldn't call you that anymore, huh?"Ā
"Jeongin.. Should we talk somewhere privately?" Changbin asks and the younger man nods, standing to follow wherever the older leads. They leave the building together, walking quietly until stopping in front of a cafe that Changbin frequents.
"This place good with you?" he asks, and Jeongin nods, having no reason to object to the location. They sit, making simple coffee orders, before Jeongin lets out a small sigh. "Well, I should get straight to the point.. Y/N-noona is leaving."Ā
Changbin's frame stiffens, looking at Jeongin with a firm expression. "Leaving as in.. she won't be in Seoul anymore?" he asks and Jeongin nods.
"I don't know if it's my place to tell you, but.. she's always hated being involved in.. let's say "the life." She left before, but just got dragged back in and, she thinks leaving the city entirely will be the thing that will finally put her past behind her for good." He explains, choosing his language carefully given the public setting.Ā
So.. this isnāt the first time youāve tried to leave, that's what he's saying? Before you ever even met Changbin, you already wanted out? You were prepared to stay away from your brother, even before you knew him? Maybe he should feel stupid with the realization that his worries were unfounded, but instead he feels relief.
It's proof you'd never hate him or blame him if you had to keep distance from your brother, proof of your morals, and proof of the truth you were trying to convey to him that dayā that you would've never betrayed him. That you loved him, truthfully and wholeheartedly.Ā
"Can I ask youā if she wants to leave, and put everything behind her.. Why are you telling me she's going?" Changbin asks carefully, and Jeongin doesn't hesitate to answer. "Because she loves you. Even now, all she hopes for is that you still love her too. She misses you."
Changbin's heart picks back up in speed upon his words. Is that what you've told him? If he called you right now, would you be happy? Did you still want to be with him? Were you waiting for him, all this time?Ā
"I'm not saying you should convince her to stay here, or that you should abandon your life here to follow her, but.. I still thought you should know." Jeongin continues, "And she would be happy to hear from you before she goes. Even if you have no intention of continuing your relationship, and it's just for closure's sake, it'd be good for her. She could move on with a smile, I think."Ā
"I want to talk to her," Changbin says with a certainty that makes Jeongin's tense body finally relax. He was hoping, more than anything, that Changbin would talk with you before you go. All he wants is for you to be happy, or have the closure needed to move on if nothing else. "I'm supposed to be meeting up with her again later tonight to help her carry boxes, but I think she'd like it better if you showed up instead."Ā
āAre you sure that would be okay?ā Changbin asks, and Jeongin smiles and nods without hesitation. āOf course. I wouldnāt put her in a situation that would upset her. I know she wants to see you.ā
Changbin returns that smile, feeling elated for the first time since that day he walked away from you. He didnāt know what he wanted then, was hopelessly lost and confused. Heās spent enough time thinking about it, but now he knows, and heās determined to show youā all he wants is you.
You sigh as you stare at the boxes littering your apartment, flopping onto your sofa and wiping the sweat from your brow. You were beyond exhausted, days filled with nothing but work and then packing when you got home.
You were also exhausted thinking about how you would just have to unpack everything when you arrived at your new home. Youād surely have some grueling months ahead of you.Ā
But leaving this city was long overdue when you think about itā you really should have left it a long time ago. It has been 2 years now since the day you first left the family, and around a year and a half since you were subsequently dragged back in and met Changbin. Your heart ached whenever you thought about him, but you could never stop yourself. Everything reminded you of him, it seemed.Ā
He changed your life for the better when he was in it, after all. It was hard not to see him in even the little things. When youād watch tv to relax, youād think about how it felt when Changbin was there with you, arms wrapped around you snuggly while you followed your little routine of choosing what to watch back and forth.
When you ate dinner, youād think about how Changbin knew all your favorite things, and would playfully tease you about how you could eat the same things over and over again without getting tired of it.Ā
When you layed in bed at night, you thought about how it felt to have Changbin next to you, his soft breathing in your ears and warm body lulling you to sleep. Youād be reminded of his gentle touches, his loving stare, and his cute pouts.
The way heād keep you close to him, beg you to stay with him as long as possible, and smile brighter than the sun itself. Everything about him was endearing, everything worth committing to your memory, everything worth loving even after he was gone from your life.
Maybe thatās another reason you finally decided to leave for good. It was hard to look at your surroundings and not be reminded of all you once had and lost. Seoul carries a lot of memories for you, often times more bad than good.
You lost a lot of things hereā your innocence, your family, and your love. What good you managed to hold in your hands always seemed to crumble and slip through your fingers, with you unable to do a thing to prevent it.Ā
You needed a change of scenery, and to leave the painful memories behind you. Itād help, you think, if you were able to look at the world around you and not be bombarded with the feelings of loss and sadness.
Maybe you could stand on your own two feet more effectively, be the kind of happy person Changbin showed you that you could be. And maybe, if you were lucky, he would meet you again while you were a new version of yourself.
A stronger you, a happier you. Someone who didnāt falter and live in anxiety any longer, who lived the new life she was given with hope and joy. Youād be happy if you could show Changbin how much youāve grown, how youāve changed for the better thanks to his earnest love for you.
And not just for Changbinā living a better life is how you would pay back everyone who has helped you up until now. Itās how you would thank Felix and Jeongin for all their support in the hardest days of your life. Living a happier life was the best way to show your appreciation for all the people you love, and who love you in return.
Youād move on with your head held high, and someday in the future you would return here as the best version of yourself you could be. Even if they werenāt here with you right at this moment, it was enough to make you want to do your best.Ā
āYou know, you could still come with me Innie,ā you told him when he was here earlier today, helping you move various heavy objects to the front room of your apartment. āI know, but I still have things I want to take care of here,ā he responded with a soft smile.
Unlike you, he still had a mother to watch after here. He also expressed his desire to leave Chan and the others behind on positive terms, and to pursue training at the officerās academy earnestly, so he could come back to his colleagues an honest man.Ā
You were proud of him, truly, for making those choices for himself. You had nothing but faith that he would see his goals through, and be a little brother you could be proud of. He promised that he, with the help of Felix and Jisung, would help set Chan on the right path before he leaves his life there behind for good.
And when that day came, he would find you again, maybe even with everyone you love hand in hand with him. Maybe there would be a day where you could hug both of your brothers again, reunite with your old friends, and return to Seoul happily.Ā
Speaking of friends, Seungmin was devastated when you announced to the office you were leaving. He made you promise that you would still keep in touch, and that youād come back to visit sometimes. Of course, you reminded him that he could always come visit you as well but he insisted it would be more fun if you came to Seoul than if he went to some obscure small town.Ā
You were still worried about Minho as well. It had been a long time since you, or anyone for that matter, had been able to see him in person. But he often wrote letters, expressing that he accepts where he is because itās the natural result of the choices he made. He wishes everyone well, and hopes that everyone can live their lives happily until the day he is released. He doesnāt want anyone to risk their lives or safety for him, because he is okay.Ā
Youāre not sure if it gave Chan closure the way it did for you, but you hope it has. All youāve ever wanted for your brother was for him to be safe and happy after all. And thereās still a part of you that hopes one day heāll renounce his leadership and walk away from the life heās led up until today. Youād like it if you could return the relationship you had with him as children, where the two of you were free from worries, and the bond you had as siblings made you stronger together.Ā Ā
You close your eyes, another small sigh leaving your lips. Youāre tired, so tired, but strangely optimistic. Your life will be better from here on out, youāll make sure of it.
It would be a lie to say you didnāt spend a lot of time crying at first, but when it was all over you realized how lucky you were. Lucky to have been loved by Changbin. Lucky to have friends who care about you. Lucky that you still have the opportunity to change your life.Ā
Life has never been easy for you, but youāre grateful for what youāve been given. Moments of happiness, no matter how fleeting, shaped you into who you are now. Memories, shared with those youāve come to love, giving you the morals and sense of purpose you have now.
Youāll keep those memories close to your heart, and let them lead you forward. They will shape the road ahead, and keep you going when the road is tough. Thatās what youāve decided.Ā
Itās never too late to change, never too late to be happy. You can take your life in your own two hands and shape it into what you desire. Life is what you make of it, and youāve decided youāll make it into the best it could possibly be.
And hopefully, in the future you create with your own hard work, Changbin will be there waiting for you. Youāll see his adoring smile and star-filled eyes, and know that it was all worth it.Ā
A knock on the door breaks you from the thoughts, and you rise to your feet to answer it. Itās a little strange, as Jeongin would normally just call you if he was here, but he also knows you are expecting him so maybe he didnāt feel the need. āHey Innie, there youāā you start as you open the door, but the words immediately seize in your throat.Ā
You blink once, twice, assuming your eyes must be playing tricks on you. Thereās no way Changbin is standing in front of you right now, right? Why would he be? āY/N..ā he says softly, a bit hesitant. He was feeling good when he first made the trek to your front door, but now that heās here in front of you he feels.. Strange, almost.Ā
Itās surreal to be standing in front of you after all this time. Heās thought about it a lot; how you would look when you were finally in front of him again, what expression you might have and how you might have changed. And now, you are understandably looking at him like a deer in headlights. To say you are stunned would probably be an understatement.Ā
āCan I.. come in?ā Changbin asks after another small moment. You want to speak, but you feel so astounded your voice wonāt come out. So instead you nod, stepping to the side to allow him to enter your now barren apartment.
He looks around, taking in the sight of every single one of your tucked away into stacked boxes, with only your large furniture pieces still left out. This is what it wouldāve looked like all those months ago too, if nothing had gone wrong and you moved in with him as planned.Ā
It strikes a pang in his chest, one that he attempts to choke down. He canāt let all his emotions bubble to the surface just yet. There are things he needs to tell you clearly, things he wants you to hear.
You guide him past boxes, motioning for him to take a seat on your sofa. āWhat, uhmā what are you doing here..?ā you ask cautiously, not entirely sure how you should feel now that you are finally looking at him again.Ā
He hasnāt changed much; his dark, curly hair has grown a bit longer, his eyes are more tired, but overall he looks the same as he did months ago. Just as handsome too, you canāt help but notice. But really, how could you even hope to ignore that fact? You donāt think youāll ever meet someone else as stunning as him.Ā
āJeongin told me youāre leaving,ā he answers, watching your expression change carefully. āH-He did?ā Your shocked expression changes to sadness, gaze moving down to your hands, which you are wringing nervously. āI.. wanted to tell you myself, but.. I didnāt know how, or if I should..ā
āIām glad he told me,ā Changbin replies, and you look back at him, uncertainty clear on your face. āI wouldāve been sad ifā if you left before I could tell you how I feel,ā he continues.
āHow you feel..?ā you question, and he nods, a tentative, almost shy expression spreading across his features. āIām sorry we havenāt spoken, I really am. I spent that entire time thinking aboutā thinking about us, and what I should do. What I want..ā Changbinās tone is relaxed as he can possibly make it despite the rapid beating in his chest.Ā
He takes a shaky inhale, palms sweating despite all his efforts to speak to you calmly. āI know what I want, and itās you. Itās always been you. I just.. Took too long to sort that out, I think.ā He confesses, watching you with bated breath as his words process within you. āI love you, and Iā I hope I havenāt told you that too late.āĀ
Your breath hitches in your throat, eyes watering in an instant upon hearing those words you hoped so badly to hear again. āWhat about your job? And my family..?ā you ask, and Changbin shakes his head, as if itās not a concern in the slightest. āI know there are things we still have to figure out, but I wouldnāt forgive myself if I let you go without trying. I love you too much to let it go so easily.āĀ
The tears openly fall now, not being able to stop yourself from doing anything else. He opens his arms to you, offering his embrace if you want it, and you easily wrap yourself around him. He holds you close, your head pressing into his chest as sobs wrack your body.
āWeāll figure it out together,ā he speaks to you softly, hands rubbing the soothing circles you missed so much into your skin. āI broke my promise to you before, but Iām not going to leave you again.ā
He holds you like that until your breathing calms, the sobs slowing into gentle sniffles. You look up at Changbin, noticing that a few stray tear stains line his cheeks as well. Heās always hated seeing you cry, after all. The fact that it was because of him made it even harder for him to not become emotional himself.
āBinnie,ā you breathe, leaning up to capture his lips in a soft kiss. He lets out a relieved sigh when your lips touch, his own flood of feelings washing over him.Ā It feels so good to hold you in his arms again, to feel his lips against yours, to inhale the familiar scent of your shampoo.
Now that he has you again, he never wants to let you go. Whatever he has to do to keep you with him, heāll do it, without a doubt. He realized that everything else in his life is replaceable. His career can be rebuilt from the ground up if necessary, and his home can be relocated. But not youā nothing can replace you.Ā
You are his home. You are his life. He knows his connection with you is deep and real. In the entire time he knew you, he never had to change a single thing about himself to please you. You always loved him for who he is, right from the start.
Thatās what he needed then, and what he still needs nowā someone who loves him unconditionally. Who accepts him in all his silly, eccentric idiosyncrasies.Ā
He kisses you over and over again, like you are the source of the oxygen he needs in his lungs. He holds you tightly, keeping your body glued to his, as if youāll vanish if he lets go. āIāve missed you so much. You have no idea how badly,ā Changbin whispers against your skin, an action that makes butterflies erupt in your stomach. It also makes you giggle a little in response, because wow, did you miss that feeling.Ā
He always made you shy and giddy so effortlessly. All it ever took was the slightest bit of affection from him to make you feel bubbly inside. Changbin smiles when he hears your soft laugh, a warmth he hasnāt felt in months spreading over him.
He hopes from now on he can hear you laugh every day, see your shy smiles and cute, sparkling eyes. He doesnāt know what his future with you holds, but as long as he has that he will be happy.Ā
āIāve missed you more,ā you tell him with a sweet smile. Thereās part of you that still feels like this is all a vivid dream, and that youāll wake up any minute in your new apartment by yourself. But even if it is a dream, youāll enjoy it until the end. Youāll feel him under your palms for as long as you can, youāll take in the sight of his beautiful face and the sound of his sweet voice.
You rest a hand on the nape of his neck, keeping him pulled close to you as you press kisses against his lips. The soft, gentle kisses that you shared at the start become deeper, more passionate, as they continue.
Thereās a desperation bubbling within you, one that becomes increasingly more difficult to contain. You missed more than just the soothing, gentle touches to your skinā you also missed the way his hands could light a fire in you.Ā
He always made you feel alive, for lack of a better term. In all your life, through the various men who knew you and had touched you, none of them ever made you feel the way Changbin does. Youāre not sure if he realizes entirely the effect he has on you, but you belong to him.
Body, heart, mind, soul, everythingā itās Changbinās. His hold on you is warm, protective, and loving. Youāll never regret trusting him, loving him, or giving yourself to him.Ā
Changbin can tell where you are leading him, can see the way your eyes have changed when you pull away to breathe. It excites him as much as it worries him; once again, heās afraid that touching you now will be taking advantage while youāre vulnerable.
You were just crying, dealing with and processing countless emotions, and the last thing heād ever want is to be with you while your judgment is clouded. The last thing heād ever want is to touch you in a moment of passion and learn you regretted it.Ā
āWe donāt have to do this right now,ā he tells you carefully. He wants you to be sure you still want him, that you still love him enough to do this with him. He can always wait, build back up to this slowly if thatās what youād need. As long as he has forever with you, thereās no rush.
But you shake your head, meeting his gaze seriously. āI want to,ā you assure him softly, āI never stopped loving you. I will always trust you.ā You lean back in, lips brushing against his as you speak, āI still want you.ā
A soft whine leaves Changbin's lips, your words having more of an effect on him than you'll ever know. Your next kiss is impassioned, mouth open and licking at his tongue. You coax him to pursue you, to swallow your heated breaths, explore you completely, consume you entirely.Ā
You let yourself fall backwards against the sofa, dragging Changbin down with you. It's not the most elegant display, nor is it seamless, but you don't really care about that. You've missed Changbin so muchā his every look, every hold, and every sound. It's all you crave, all that matters in this moment.Ā
Not wanting to crush you or leave you in an uncomfortable contortion, Changbin spreads your legs and moves himself to rest between them. He attaches his lips to your neck, deciding youāve gone long enough without his mark on your skin. You relish in the feeling of having his teeth sink into you again, excitement bubbling in your gut when you imagine the way youāll look with his love bites all over you.Ā
His hands reach the bottom of your shirt, and you lift your back off the sofa to allow it to be pulled up and over your head. Your bra follows shortly after, being discarded to the floor and forgotten as your focuses are solely on eachother.
Changbin takes a moment to look you over, refamiliarizing himself with the appearance of your body and the intoxicating image of his teeth marks on your otherwise pure skin.Ā He doesnāt get much more time to admire you however, as you begin to reach out for him.
You paw at the hem of his shirt, not so subtly requesting that he pull it off himself. He stifles the amused smile that threatens to peak out, pulling his shirt off in one swift movement. You look at him with equal parts adoration and desire, and he canāt deny he loves it when you look at him this way.Ā
Changbin watches your expression change however, when your gaze meets his arm. There was a fresh scar where your brother shot himā a now constant reminder of what the pair of you had gone through that day, a permanent representation of the way you failed the person you love most.. "Bin, Iā '' you choke on your words, eyes tearing up as you stare at the spot.Ā
"Hey, look at me," Changbin says as he cups your face, directing your gaze back up to his own. "That's not your fault. You know that, right? It's not. Nothing is."
You struggle to hold back your sniffles, but he won't accept that; he needs you to know. You were in such a hard position, one that no one should have to be in. And he recognizes that now. He understands how hard it must have been to try to balance your life and protect the things you love.
He kisses you again, thumbs carefully rubbing away stray tears. āI love you,ā he reminds you with his soft tone that always brought you comfort, ānothing changed that, okay?ā You nod, believing his words entirely. You really had no reason not to; heās always been so forthright and honest about everything he thinks and feels.Ā
āI love you,ā you tell him, and he smiles, kissing you once more for good measure. āDo you still want to keep going?ā he asks, once again feeling sparks of elation trickle down his spine when you eagerly confirm that you do. As much as Changbin loves seeing you be bashful and shy, he also loves when your enthusiasm overrides it, when you show the true depths of your need for him without restraint.Ā
The messy kisses to your skin resume, as if nothing interrupted them in the first place, the only difference now being that your upper body is completely exposed to him. Changbinās hands trail slowly up and down your body, savoring the feeling of every soft dip and curve without any rush. Your gasp when his hands finally reach your breasts quickly turn into titillating mewls, nipples being tweaked and rolled between his fingers.
The sounds you make alone make Changbin want to moan, a salacious symphony in his ears, a sirenās song he canāt hope to ignore. He pulls back to look at you, watching the way your body twists and squirms, legs unable to close together due to his place between them.
āBinnie,ā you whine, looking at him with glossy eyes and flushed cheeks, lips turned into a small pout. āWhat is it, honey? What do you need?ā he asks, head tilting slightly as he grins at you.Ā Ā
Your stomach flips, heart skipping a beat at both his tone, and from hearing the nickname for the first time in so long. You swallow, trying your best to conjure the words despite the way he looks at you making you want to combust on the spot.
āB-Bed?ā you ask softly, and Changbin smiles with a nod, lifting you in his arms effortlessly. You lock your legs around his waist, arms snuggly wrapped around his neck as he carries you through the apartment.Ā
You really should let him focus on getting through the minefield of boxes that is your apartment currently, but instead you kiss him with a fervor he matches equally. Even when he threatens to stumble, neither of you break away, completely committed to keeping your mouths on each other.Ā
Luckily, you left your bedroom door open earlier, and Changbin has no problem carrying you through the doorway. You let yourself fall back onto the bed when he lets you go, and he positions himself between your legs once again, mirroring the position you were in moments ago on the sofa.Ā
Rather than wait for Changbin to take the lead on this like you normally would, you reach for shorts, pulling them down as far as you can before needing him to take care of the rest. He really canāt blame you for feeling needy and eager; heās just as hungry for you as you are for him, his own desire and ache for you being contained solely by his (dwindling) self-restraint.Ā
You look at him, gaze possibly the most desperate heās ever seen it be. Your body trembles with anticipation, begging for him to touch you. And while heād love to prolong this moment, to lavish you slowly and tenderly, to watch you grow impatient as you yearn for more his touch in the places you need him most, he really canāt wait either.Ā
More accurately, he doesnāt want to wait. He knows he can hold back, he knows he can restrain himself if he needs to, he knows he can do things slowly, but if neither of you can wait, if youāre both desperately reaching out for one another, then why draw it out? He knows what you want, and he wants to give it to you.
"I want to watch you cum," Changbin tells you, voice nearly a whisper in your ears. "Over, and over," he continues, your body shivering in response as you watch him trail downward. āYou want that, right? To cum for me?ā he asks rhetorically. He already knows the answer, but he wants you to say it anyway.Ā
āY-Yes, please,ā you all but whine, and he smiles, licking his lips and wasting no further time talking. He pushes your thighs further apart, hooking his arms underneath to hold them in place. You let out a loud moan when his mouth finds your clit, his grip on your thighs stopping you from squirming or closing your legs around his head.Ā
Heās barely even begun but you already feel like the air has been knocked from your lungs, the pleasure making you feel dizzy. Your hands reach for his hair, the groan that leaves his mouth when you pull making you shiver. Various obscenities leave your mouth as he alternates between licking and sucking, your legs already shaking as your high approaches dangerously fast.
Itās been months since you felt his tongue on you, and with his skill it was obvious youād cum fast. You couldnāt hope to delay it even if you wanted to. His pace is perfect, remembering just how you like it as if there was never a break between you to begin with. You bite your lip, trying in vain to quiet the whimpers and moans that leave you as your high overtakes your body.Ā
Even as your high recedes, Changbin doesnāt relent, keeping his pace on your clit as if nothing happened. You whine loudly, overstimulation setting fire to your skin. His strong hold on you prevents you from moving even an inch, all you can do is lie there and continue to take the onslaught of overwhelming, almost painful, pleasure.Ā
Not wanting to hurt his scalp with your harsh tugging, you move your hands to the bedsheets, clawing at them desperately. He squeezes your thighs in his hands, as if to ground you while he unrelentingly showers your clit with his affection. Your second orgasm comes even faster than the first somehow, back arching and eyes rolling back as your body tenses and releases in an instant.Ā
As before, he continues through it, drawing it out and making you whine loudly when it quickly becomes too much to bear. Your arousal is practically gushing out of you, and you finally get a small moment of reprieve when Changbin moves to lick the cum from your hole. Your breathing is ragged, chest heaving and body buzzing.Ā
Changbin removes one of his hands from your thigh, moving it to easily slide two of his fingers into your heat. You let out another choked gasp, his fingers wasting no time to locate your sweet spot and rub against it. āB-Binnie,ā you stutter out between gasps, āI-I cant.ā Itās almost too good, your brain reeling when he starts to thrust his fingers into you quickly.
He looks up at you, an almost playful glint behind the lust-filled look in his eyes. āYes you can,ā he encourages sweetly, letting go of your other leg to come closer to your face. Heās looking at you intently now, smiling as he watches you succumb to the pleasure youāre feeling. Your head is thrown back, nails digging into the bedsheet and bottom lip trapped between your teeth.Ā
āLook at me,ā he says, and he feels you clench tightly around his fingers when you do. His lustful expression makes you weak, his smile making your gut want to erupt into butterflies. You try to keep his gaze, to not close your eyes or look away, but itās so hot you can barely stand it. You donāt think youāll be able to handle much more of it without devolving into insanity.Ā
You cum again, legs closing around his fingers and head falling back as you do. āGood girl, my good girl,ā he praises you through it, slowing to a stop once he feels your body begin to relax. He gives you some time to catch your breath after he slides his fingers out of you, licking them clean before he stands from the bed. You watch as he finally removes his pants and boxers, and then returns to his position between your legs.Ā
āI'm going to fuck you now,ā he tells you, smiling when you let out a shy whine in response. Changbin lines himself up with your entrance, leaning down to kiss you as he slides in. The multiple orgasms make it easier for your body to accept him, the stretch still stinging but not at all bad.
He kisses you sweetly, always enjoying doing so while you got used to the feeling of his cock, loved making you taste yourself on his tongue as you acclimated to his size.Ā
It didnāt take long for you to roll your hips against his, seeking blissful friction. āBaby just canāt wait?ā Changbin asks teasingly, though he has to admit he loves it. If you werenāt so dazed from pleasure, youād see heās just as desperate as you, if not more so. He loves when you are as equally needy as him, when you become lost in him and how he makes you feel.Ā
āYou want to cum again, is that it?ā he asks when he begins to finally thrust into you. āY-Yes, want to cum,ā you nod almost frantically, āwant you to come too.ā Changbin groans, your words always having an incredible effect on him. āDonāt worry baby, Iāll cum for you,ā he promises as he picks up his pace, finding his rhythm with relative ease.
One hand holds yours while the other moves to your clit, rubbing it in circles. He whispers praises to you, each one making you clench around him. āGood girl, my perfect baby, doing so well, feels so good around me, love you,ā he begins to babble as he chases his orgasm. He expected not to last long, but heāll make sure itās good for you until the end.Ā
If your neighbors werenāt concerned before, they definitely are now given how loud your voice is carrying through the apartment. You canāt hold them back anymore, not that Changbin would let you in the first place, but youāre too far gone to care. His once steady pace quickly grows sloppy, his low moans turning into high pitched, breathy whimpers.Ā
You reach your high first, mouth hanging open in a silent moan as your body quivers beneath his. Changbin follows closely behind, his hips stuttering as his cum shoots into you in hot spurts. You reach up, pulling him into one more kiss as he comes down from his high. His body relaxes, falling against you, though still careful not to crush you under his weight.Ā
His head rests just under yours, and you kiss his temple, hand running through his hair lazily. āI love you,ā you mumble, exhaustion clear in your voice.
Your eyes are closed, your movements slow, and Changbin finds it so endearing that even in this state you want to show your love. āI love you too baby, so much,ā he kisses your cheek, as itās the only place he can reach without moving from his spot.Ā
Heāll take care of you soon, get the both of you cleaned up so you can sleep in his arms peacefully as you always did before, but for now, even if itās just for a few moments, he wants to lay next to you. To hold your hand as the two of you catch your breath, to stare at your beautiful face, to feel the euphoria of having you as his.
He doesn't know what the future holds, but heās decided that it's okay. He doesnāt need to hold every answer in his hands, or worry about could beās and what ifās. He doesnāt know if this happiness will continue, if youāll always be together without anything getting in your way, but how can he be satisfied with his life if he didnāt try? How can he be happy if he lives his life complacently?Ā
Maybe the smart decision would have been to let you go, to never see you again and let yourselves go separate ways, but would he be content with that decision? Could he say he would never lie awake at night wondering if that was the right thing to do, or if he shouldāve chosen differently? And if two things make him happy, does he really have to choose between them? Would it really be so bad to have both?Ā
Nothing will be perfect, ever. No one is promised eternal joy, or a blessed life. No one can spend every moment happy, no one can have everything always go the way they want. The only guarantee in life is that you will sufferā but it is what you do with that suffering that shapes what your life will become from that point onward.Ā
Maybe what he has now with you is fleeting. Maybe years from now itāll crumble in front of him all over again. But isnāt it worth fighting for? If he has a chance to have everything heās ever wanted, shouldnāt he do his best to take it? Shouldnāt he keep it in his hands, and protect it with all his might?Ā
Even if itās in vain, even if heāll only suffer again in the future, this moment of happiness with you is worth it. Listening to your slowed breathing, feeling your skin against his, knowing that you love him and he loves youā itās worth it. When he wakes up to your sweet voice, hears your elated laugh, sees your adorable expressions and beautiful body, itās worth it.Ā
Maybe youāll live together in the future, and maybe you won't. Maybe youāll have a family, and maybe you wonāt. Maybe his career will remain unaffected, or maybe it wonāt. Regardless of what could or couldnāt be, he wonāt live with doubt.
He can be happy knowing he fought to keep you until the very end, if the end ever comes. He can live a life full of laughter and love, even if itās only for a finite amount of time. And nothing will be perfect, ever, but as long as Changbin has you with him, itās the closest heāll ever have.
#skz x reader#changbin x reader#skz smut#changbin smut#skz imagines#skz scenarios#skz fluff#skz angst#mdni + divider graphic credit: @cafekitsune
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2024 Book Review #2 ā He Who Drowned the World by Shelley Parker-Chan
Iāve had this sitting on my bookshelf since it came out but, as so often happens, having it just laying around meant it faded to the background whenever I was deciding what to read next. Not the worst case of that (thereās a lovely of Cyteen thatās been sitting on my dresser and shaming me for at least a year now), but certainly long enough for me to regret it.
The story is a direct sequel to She Who Became The Sun, a low fantasy retelling of the fall of the Yuan Dynasty and the ascension of Zhu Yuanzhang to the imperial throne ā though in this universe the ārealā Zhu Yuanzhang died a starving peasant child, and his sister assumed his identity and his destiny of greatness, willing to do anything and everything it takes to force the world into alignment with it. The book starts with her having lost her right hand, and only gets more emphatic about making her prove it from there.
Aside from Zhu, the narrationās split between several different points of view that fill out the struggle for the future of China. The book honestly does a better job with multiple POVs than the vast majority of epic fantasy Iāve read ā every one is a thematic mirror of Zhu on one level or another, and every one has an arc dedicated to the bookās twin fascinations of what it means to be willing to do anything to achieve what you want on one hand, and gender nonconformity and queerness in an intensely patriarchal traditional society on the other.
The actual plot of the story is almost episodic ā Zhu encounters some new obstacle on her way to victoriously marching to the Mongol capital at Dadu that canāt be defeated with the blunt force she has available, and she and some collection of the supporting cast goes on an insane adventure to snatch victory regardless. Then every so often thereās a cutaway to Wang Baoxiang (who, among all the other POVs, is easily the one that comes closest to deuteragonist status) scheming his way through imperial court politics in Dadu in his incredibly operatic and self-degrading scheme for revenge on his dead brother. The plots start affecting each other quite early, but Iām pretty sure itās only in the last twenty pages or so that the two of them actually meet face to face (it is in fact a minor plot point that Wang canāt recognize Zhu when he sees her). It all manages to feel like itās capturing a whole swathe of political intrigue beyond any one personās understanding and feel fairly well plotted and cohesive as it comes together. Not that there arenāt plenty of points where you have to just run with it and not push back at what the bookās telling you but nowhere where itās serious or blatant enough to actually be an issue.
Iām not sure itās a complaint per se, but one thing that did take some adjusting to is just how, melodramatic I suppose? All the POVs in the book feel very profoundly and effusively, and also have absolutely zero awareness or understanding of their own emotions. This is particularly acute with Wang and Madame Zhang, but in every case thereās just a lot of characters being driven by emotions too large to be contained within them. It kind of feels like a musical, in that respect (but absolutely no other, to be clear).
Anyways, this is a book with absolutely massive amounts of Gender in it. With like, literally one exception, every POV is to some great extent defined by struggling against their position in the gender system of medieval China, and all the issues doing so their entire lives has left them with (Zhu is far and away the most healthy and well-adjusted about this.) Importantly, being oppressed and marginalized for being a woman/effeminate man/eunuch is in no way edifying or ennobling ā itās mostly left everyone involved deeply damaged and full of coping mechanisms that serve them poorly and everyone around them far worse. Thereās basically no mention of even the idea of solidarity among the oppressed here ā Madame Zhang tortures, mutilates and kills her own maids and her husbandsā consorts whenever necessary, Wang operatic revenge plot involves befriending and seducing a queer prince knowing it will get him killed in the end, Ouyang hates how effeminate his body is and deals with this by becoming a pathological misogynist ā even Zhu doesnāt spare much to think about the cause of womanās liberation beyond herself and her wife.Given the state of a lot of modern genre lit I honestly found this rather refreshing.
As both cause and consequence of the choice of POVs, the book has a rather interesting relationship with normative masculinity. Thereās, as far as I can tell, exactly two examples of successful heroic/virtuous normative masculinity in the book ā General Zhang and the Grand Councillor of the Yuan ā and despite both being really incredibly competent and fearsome on the battlefield and legitimately selfless and honorable, both end up condemned as traitors to their respective lieges (both indolent, vicious, and generally contemptible men without anything in the way of redeeming features, themselves) and dying unpleasantly after being outmanoeuvred in court intrigue. Victory in the end goes not to those who are cherished by their society but the ones who are overlooked and brutalized by it but are willing and able to do whatever it takes and use anything and everything they can to claw their way to the top despite it.
Speaking of ā the overriding throughline of the story is what it means to be willing to do anything to achieve your lifeās ambition. Being willing to endure pain and suffering goes without saying, and while the book does put its leads through the physical ringer, thatās not really what itās interested in. Are you willing to spend the lives of those who trust and rely upon you? Sacrifice those you love, or ask them to die for you? Betray those who have only ever shown you kindness? Are you willing to degrade and humiliate yourself, or lie and betray your own hard-won and precarious identity? And once youāve done all that, and finally achieved your heartās desire ā well, are you really sure it was all worth it? Three cases out of four in the book, at least, ended up regretting it in the end.
This is a book thatās very concerned with sex and sexuality but, like, very nearly exclusively in offputting or unpleasant ways. Thereās something like a dozen sex scenes (okay, āscenes with sex in themā is probably the less misleading description. If you come looking for porn youāll be disappointed) in the book and of them I believe exactly one that you could characterize as enthusiastically consensual and mutually enjoyable. Maybe three, if you count the incredibly toxic relationship which boils down to asking for help dong self-harm and it turns into a sadomasochist thing. Which never becomes/is never understood as sexual by the people engaging in it but describing it is definitely the closest the book gets to erotica. In any event, just somewhat surprising to see so much sex paired with so little romance, relative to most modern stuff Iāve read. Ties into how alienated literally everyone is from their bodies, I suppose.
Also I really donāt know enough about the historical memory of the early Ming dynasty to know whether all the stuff about how Zhu knows what itās like to be nothing and how sheāll reorder the world to care for everyone is supposed to read as really darkly ironic or not.
#he who drowned the world#shelley parker chan#lesbian space atrocities#sff#tht#map fantasy#book review
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Why is the worldbuilding in ATLA more cohesive than in TDP?
because the writers actually remember it as a context for its story and characters.
........... ok more elaboration.
the worldbuilding in ATLA and TDP is very similar in the respect that they have color-coded elements where each "nation" has each element. in both series the color-coding exists to make each group obviously and immediately different.
in ATLA the cultures deeply matter to the characters and story. as early as the first episode you see hints about the culture of the water tribe from katara and sokka. you know sokka has put this immense pressure on himself to be a Warrior and his sexism is partially an outgrowth of that. katara is fascinated by waterbending and her culture but there are no resources for her to learn because of the war, and you immediately get the idea she's also hoisted on a "mom role" from a very early age. all of this reinforces the patriarchal standards of water tribe culture and also the fact that they're impoverished thanks to the war. the characters would not be the same if you transported them to a different setting.
like some of the dialogue can be clunky and the entire conceit of the world is obviously kiddish ("fire nation" "water tribe" "earth kingdom" "air nomads" is not going to win any realism of the year awards.) but it's a very effective introduction to these characters and ties them explicitly to the setting.
in tdp it matters fuck-all. rayla is a moonshadow elf and the effects of their honor culture are clear on her. out of all the characters i'd say her, runaan, and ethari are probably the most developed in the aspect of "the setting should inform the characters." yes runaan and ethari are shitty parents but honestly like what would you expect from an honor culture society where one party is an assassin who allowed rayla to become one thanks to her guilt complex, even when ethari expressed doubts?
this is basically thrown away to tell her "oh dw all your parents (dads + bio parents) are all Good and Did Nothing Wrong." they also scrub away all of her flaws that she exhibited in the first season, or really anything that might make her seem like a "bad person." the moonshadow elves are just scrubbed to be Vaguely Good Guys With No Problems And Whose Choice to Ghost a Teenager Must be Respected (finger wag from the writers.) this could have been genuinely compelling drama for rayla. the setup is there. but they just forget about this stuff i guess.
how about callum and ezran? how does the culture of katolis or indeed any of the human kingdoms rub off on them? does their culture actually inform anything they do? i mean besides the fact that the human kingdoms aren't magical because of dark mage lords eating magic or whatever, which, by the way, the idea of dark mage lords doing this is like. in supplementary material and there is 0 indication of it happening in the actual show. do they have a particular culture or perspective at all? does even something as simple as the fact that they are princes and might have some differences with the common people ever come up? no. they're just bland POV characters who are high-minded to a kind of absurd degree. their context is very clearly supposed to be "Normal." which isn't a context at all because nobody's context is actually Normal. it should be normal to the character, but a grave mistake for the writer to treat it as such.
with the elves it's a little better but still not great. they have at least thematic set-up but moonshadow elf culture is the best of them, which isn't saying a whole lot. what exactly is the relationship between the dragons and the elves for example? who knows!
the writers frequently forget that their characters are situated in a particular situation in a particular world. i mean my favorite example to throw around is the time one of the writers said (on twitter) that khessa's comment to janai ("have fun with your pet") was meant to be a tease about their relationship. and that's insane to me. "have fun with your pet" does not work as a cheeky little tease when you are talking about a pow who's afraid for her life and you are a cruel monarch that tortures people for funsies? like this is khessa endorsing SA if you decide to take the show's context with any level of seriousness. this isn't a coffee shop au? this isn't a high school au? this is supposed to be a high fantasy with actual stakes that addresses Deep Themes? the context to a situation that these hacks themselves wrote should matter?
etc. etc. xadia does not feel like a real place because the setting is completely disconnected from the characters, and only matters to the story insofar as "wow look at this Cool Place you will find your Macguffin in!" It's just about worse in every way even if on the surface it may appear to contain """nuance."""
#tdp#tdp critical#asks#anon#settings feel cohesive when they can't be neatly separated from the characters#when it feels like things have causes and effects.#which i understand is very hard for tdp to wrap its head around. object permanence is difficult.#anyways i'm not watching s5. so sorry to any asks that reference things in it. I simply Do Not Care#people should ask me about how great the Flash is or a hot take on Casablanca or something.
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So you want to turn your one-off book into a seriesā¦
As a writer who decided only after publishing book 1 of a trilogy, to then make it a 4 book saga, here are my thoughts on series planning, or at least the insomnia-driven process I went through to reach this decision:
FirstlyāI prefer to write multi-book stories with the structure like Lord of the Rings over something like Harry Potter. As in, itās one long story with various hurdles to overcome split into multiple books, instead of each book being much more self-contained, with a reliable time skip, like years of schooling.
With that in mind, the very first thought I have is this: What are the new threats going to be? I donāt think about my heroes or any subplots or new characters. Priority one is my antagonistic forces: Do I have enough to each carry their own book?
A hero is only as compelling as their conflict, after all.
In my sci-fi WIP, I had 6 main characters and five books planned, and I based it off the structure of the OG Teen Titans cartoonāEverybody gets their own season and while not every episode is about them, the main threat is theirs first, with the rest of the team backing them up. The threat was always a twofer, both an external threat and an internal conflict that they had to overcome in their book. For example I had a character who āleadā book 2, and the external threat was Bad Guys from a different team memberās war, dragging her home into it. The internal threat was her āsuffer in silenceā tendency and extreme self-reliance, which becomes too much for her to handle when her powerhouse teammate is out of commission physically and unable to help her emotionally.
ENNS doesnāt have an ensemble cast and was not meant to. In this style, if itās one long story, Iād need three major incidents in books 1-3 that all led up to a final conflict in book 4, all building off each other. I needed essentially two whole āHelms Deepsā for books 2 and 3. Not just in terms of story but literal conflict, as I write high fantasy and not having a big climactic battle for a whole book would flop. But now I need two of them, and I struggle with action scenes.
And without spoiling myself, I have them vaguely defined. For me, at least, so long as I have my little compass pointing toward my āNorthā of āthis is the thing that every major scene should be dealing with in some capacityā it doesnāt matter what path I take to get there, Iāll figure it out. Heavily outlining only ever leaves me with plenty of outline but no book.
For me, once I have my main threat, I then have my main theme. Example for ENNS being that book 1ās main theme/question was āWhat makes a monster?ā
Have yet to narrow it down and split the original 3 themes now into 4, but one I intend on exploring is āCan vampires change?ā
Doing this, having your big picture at least in a foggy idea, helps with cohesion across multiple books, and within the same story. If you keep your theme in the back of your mind and relate as many character arcs and mini conflicts back to it as possible, itāll really start to look like you know what youāre doing.
Otherwise you end up with a bunch of loose ends and dangling plot threads that get abandoned, or characters that feel out of place as their arc has nothing to do with the rest of the story, itās just here because they had to do something to participate.
So if you want to see now book 1 of 4, check out Eternal Night of the Northern Sky on Amazon.
#writing#writeblr#writing a book#writing advice#writing resources#writing tools#writing tips#sequels#outlining
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All things end. Remember us. Thoughts on making Arcadia, CA
This was written as a thread for twitter, so the formatting is... exciting.
I spent ~a month trying to write out something about the end of Arcadia, CA that I could read aloud, and add to the episode. I wanted to use my actual, real /voice/ to talk about the experience of this show, & how important and wonderful it's been. I failed utterly. So. Thread.
Arcadia was the very first AD I attempted to make. I'd done audio content before, & a little bit of script writing, but nothing like this. I, uh, also had barely /listened/ to any ADs. The project really was just diving into something thinking I'd figure it out as I went.
That meant I did everything "wrong"-- I cast /long/ before the show was written, wrote as we went, added & /changed/ characters mid-stream, failed to have any sort of outline for the first ...2 years... & overall just... did not follow best practices. At all.
But. Even with all that. We made something beautiful. & genuinely /good./ We told a story that is by-and-large cohesive & coherent, & mostly wraps up all its plotlines & character arcs. A story that is /brilliantly/ acted w/ fucking /stunning/ sound design.
Actors. All of you. I cannot express how much I've enjoyed working with you, nor how fantastic the work you've done is. You ran with me on all my weird tangents & ideas, and some of the best things in the story are ones /you/ brought to it.
@satyrofstrategy-- finding & casting you was random chance, & a stroke of luck that I'm pretty sure shaped my entire existence as an AD creator. Getting you to perform Shakespearean monologues as a quasi-human ~ * actor * ~ has been a highlight. Also, your villain monologue in the finale!
Vanessa- the notes you hit from the very /first/ recording session as a well-meaning mom who very much as Her Own Issues... You never let Holly be /just/ Niko's mom. Even from the audience's limited POV, she had depth. I kind of wish I'd gotten to play with it more, tbh.
Corvyn- Karin was one of the characters who changed a lot in response to the actor. For me, some of the best bits were when she finally hit the wall & couldn't be Entirely Rational Mom. Your voice when she was trying /so hard/ to stay level but FUCKING STRESSED.
Thomas- Wil's story changed SO MUCH, & you took it all in stride. Going from goofy sidekick to antagonist to villain to redemption arc... he couldn't have been in the hands of a better VA. Thank you. So much. (& thanks for the easter egg for him in the stinger ; ) )
Speaking of changing character stories, Rue! I brought you in as love interest & suddenly you're 2 characters in one. Every recording with Purchaser & Elliot afdl;fdashla. I swear, you didn't even blink when I asked about maybe, uh, being faerie possessed?
@superhumanfoods rolled in 1/2 way thru the story & fundamentally altered its course. Your ability to echo other characters' delivery & the just. Baffling /sweetness/ that is Thomas... & also your fucking comedic timing... & how you jumped in with both feet... Thank you.
Cailen- you love Lia at least as much as I do, & it shows in every second of your performance. You are a fucking consummate professional, & staggeringly skilled actor. I loved your willingness to interpret lines in ways that fit her better. I don't think you ever got it wrong.
(Also, I dearly want to include a clip of them speaking in their natural accent at some point, because despite recording for four damn years, I /never/ got over hearing them go from English accent ((specifically regional but I /cannot/ remember)) to American by way of Alaska.)
Izzy is another actor whose switch from natural accent to character voice made me yell & scare the cats. Your performance as Delphine was /breathtaking/ & often really fucking unsettling. Her playing off Cyrus is some of the most horror-aligned content in the show & it rules.
Nick's take on Camren took a character that was supposed to be a fairly flat 2D bully & gave him this unexpected sweetness & vulnerability. It changed his (& the whole) story for the better. His story became one about how even the "popular" kids holding on for dear life.
Thank you to all the people who took on one- or two-off roles. Especially Daniel who reprized Mr. Sudsworth on basically no notice, & added another terrible father to Arcadia's roster, of a completely different flavor than the others.
...ok. Now I get to try to put into words how much mek & Erik's participation in this project has meant.
mek- on top of Niko being written specifically to & /for/ you, you are responsible for this show being what it is, & /how/ it is.
I'd originally planned to record this all asynch. You suggested trying to do it together over voice, & that was such a formative thing that I can't even imagine having done it another way. Niko's dialog may be largely my internal monologue, but it /always/ comes in your voice.
Your willingness to see this through with me, to record at a moment's notice, to help me sort through plotting problems, & to provide impeccable performances over, & over, & over for /four years/ has been the backbone of this show. There is no other voice I could have written for
& no other person that could have played Niko. Period. You let him be the protagonist, AND the audience stand-in POV. You let his /childishness/ shine through when it needed to, but never deprived him of agency or engagement. You showed his /growth/.
(& you pointed it out when I was losing track of his story in the others.) The fact that I can write his dialog almost without thinking is a testament to the consistency of your characterization and performance, and it's wonderful.
I would not have been brave enough to attempt something like this if you hadn't been cheering me on to try it. & I sure as hell wouldn't have kept going if you hadn't been so good at it I needed to know what was going to happen.a Thank you so, so much.
Lord, Erik how do I even /start/ yelling about you? I barely even /asked/ you when we started working on Arcadia, & now you have how many editing/sound designing credits?? The fact that you jumped in with me & said you'd figure it out as we went... I love you.
Your work on this show is so god damn good. Honestly, it /started/ good, & just got better. You produced an episode /every two weeks/ for 4 years with, what? a half-dozen delayed episodes in that /entire time/??????? And they're all /good/!!
More than that, though, you cheered me (& the show) on at every step. God knows I had more than a few crises of faith, & every time you encouraged me to keep going. You got excited about successes, & yelled right alongside me when good things happened.
I am /joyful/ getting to make things with you. Proud & grateful that you wanted to, & /keep/ wanting to. I am so damn spoiled to work with other editors, b/c you can take my "can there be a cricket tantrum here?" sound design notes and make works of art.
There literally would be no show without you. Not just because I'm not a good enough editor, but because you made the process of creating Arcadia so, so good, and fulfilling. I love you a lot. Thank you.
I'll end by saying that listening to the finale, I've realized that this story is /mine./ It's entirely wrapped up in how I think, & feel, & experience the world. Very honestly, it's a show that got made so I could listen to it.
I am thrilled & proud other people wanted to too.
Editing to add
(Fucking hell, this is what I get for copying & pasting from a Discord thread while in a zoom staff meeting.)
Rhys came in with like... 9 episodes to go, & ran away with the character such that they got written in even more so I could keep hearing them. You approached endless alliteration with absolute aplomb, & went from "maternal" to educational to fucking terrifying seemlessly.
I /also/ ended up writing more Mr. Baldwin so I could hear SJ be fucking terrifying too. The perfect god damn hateable man. But still charismatic & believable as a "community leader." ALSO the switch to Baldwin/Purchaser made me yell out loud.
I had no intention of adding characters beyond what I'd started with, but then Elliot. & Thomas. & Mr. Baldwin. & the Curator. ...hell, even the Monarch himself was an unexpected addition. I was so worried I'd end up with a Cast of Thousands that weren't needed, just b/c.
But every character (& actor!) added was such a net positive, & improved the show in very specific and direct ways that only that character (& actor!) could have done. I'm glad I took the risk. And even more glad you-all agreed to come onboard.
(Ok. that's the pre-written thread. from here on, it's off the cuff emotion. I'm sorry.)
#arcadia ca#arcadia california#arcadia ca podcast#arcadia california podcast#i have a lot of thoughts and feelings#everyone who was part of this is amazing#thank you so so much
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People shit on Elemental for its race/culture allegory looking even more reductive and rigid than Zootopia's on the service, but I think it actually used it super well. It feels a lot more like a very broad and fable-ish metaphor than the sort of hard world-building with direct racial parallels found in Zootopia. Zootopia aged poorly cause it was so fucking direct in its parallel imagery to real world oppression with the police angle, whereas Elemental is just generally about the experience of being an immigrant. The way it uses the infrastructure of the city being actively built for some and harmful to others is really clever, I adored how they used that.
It also helps greatly that Elemental was written by a POC from the perspective of the marginalized because it helps make the metaphors feel more cohesive. The choice to make Judy the main focus as a perpetrator of the systemic predator oppression that greatly mirrors real world anti-blackness aged like milk to me, it screams white guilt complex. And the fact it spends a lot of time not engaging with forms of prejudice besides the bunny oppression until it gets to that feels very flat. Elemental immedietly explains its main allegory very strongly and from the perspective of those it affects, so there's no fluff or time spent ignoring the issues from the privileged perspective.
Literally the thing that will instantly kill your fantasy oppression metaphor is being white guilty about it or not thinking super hard about what you're paralleling if you're going to be as blunt as Zootopia. Stuff like accidentally giving the oppressed group a reason to be oppressed as you do with the predator-prey dynamic. It's just the biggest fucking red flag and shows little understanding of why these systems exist irl. In Elemental the metaphor obviously uses a lot of imagery to show that the fire people are meant to be east asian-coded, but beyond that its content just being a story about class and immigrant families. About being from different worlds and feeling like they're impossible to combine, because of experiences and backgrounds, which is expressed as being fire and water.
Unlike being a bunny and fox, that imagery is a bit less loaded and can be turned into a sort of mutual harm as it is in the film with Wade being at risk of evaporating as muxh as Ember is at risk of being put out. And, in the end, it's found that water can just bubble a bit as the metaphor for a compromise. Which is fine enough and where the more fable-ish approach to the allegory became clear to me.
It's also used very cutely for their personalities too in a way that comes back to the background divide - Ember being fiery, anxious, and high-strung from pressures of supporting her community, and Wade being all blubbery and emotional but mellower because he lives in a supportive upper-class family. Its just a lot cleverer on a couple of levels than the bumbling between 'predators are black and brown people but also their oppression is bad but also they are dangerous but also its cause of a conspiracy, and also small prey are kinda like white woman and theres intersectionality but its shown horribly'.
Despite Ember's racial coding, no matter how you code Wade's family it doesn't matter because it is simply about - 'you live in a city that has integrated for you, and I don't' - which could apply to an upper-class family of any background, cause it's more of a class thing now. Even if he was black-coded (which Ive seen from fans likely because of his VA, I dont remember if he was in the films text), it still works cause their ARE affluent black families whom by nature of having been here and integrated are in that privileged role over a poorer immigrant family of any other race.
Allegories for class or upbringing usually age better, the systems that create those are a lot more basic and less loaded to parallel on a surface level than racism or misogyny. Not that they CANT go really deep, but it's easier to not come off as blatantly offensive as long as you're not like a eugenicist about it.
#shut the heck up#elemental#film and animation#media analysis#i didnt pay attebtion to all of elemental but from what i did it worked good#people clown on it too hard#its still kinda basic and whatever but it deserves some props
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Season 5 of āThe Good Wifeā was a fantastic, thrilling season of television. Yes, āThe Good Wifeā is primarily about a clutch of well-heeled attorneys in a few Chicago law firms, which doesnāt quite sound like edge-of-your-seat suspense, and yes, it required four years of back story to fully understand, which is a lot of commitment for new viewers. But āThe Good Wifeā is a prestige drama built on the network model, meaning that its 22-episode seasons offered plenty of entry points to drop into the world of the characters, whether that was through ongoing fourth-year-associate drama or a tech-oriented case of the week. One of the reasons the season was so appealing was because it contained its own arc, tooāthe long-awaited denouement of Will and Aliciaās smoldering romance, precipitated in large part by actor Josh Charlesā decision to leave the show. The fifth season told the story of Alicia attempting to establish independence, and some of that meant hurting the people closest to her. When Will died suddenly partway through the season, Alicia was forced to deal with how much sheād hurt himāand ultimately found a path to making a mark without either him or her husband, Peter, when she decided to run for Illinois stateās attorney.
This season has not felt nearly as rewarding. Now, the question I get from fellow fans of āThe Good Wife,āĀ overĀ andĀ overĀ again, is simply: What happened? The tightest network drama on television fell apart, seemingly overnight. On the eve of the finale, itās hard to tell what this season has beenĀ about: We watched an election, a stint in prison, an investigation of a drug dealer, and the aftereffects of voter fraud, but it has been difficult to assemble the events into a cohesive narrative, and harder still to surmise why any of that narrative matters to us, the viewers. The upcoming seventh season is widely believed to be the showās last, which somehow makes the missteps more poignant. Is this how itās going to be from now on? Was it all downhill after Charles left the show? What went wrong? Here are at least some of the things that made Season 6 a strange, unfulfilling disappointment.
1. Kalinda, part one: The character
Itās kind of impossible to discuss āThe Good Wifeās" trajectory so far without acknowledging the increasingly different role of Kalinda Sharma (Archie Panjabi), the impossibly badass legal investigator who was very important in the first few seasons and then the center of aĀ rather unsatisfying plotĀ with her estranged husband, Nick, in Season 4. (Indeed, the plot was so unpopular with fans that the dramaās showrunners, Robert and Michelle King, wrote Nick out of the story a whole half-season early.) As revolting as Nick and Kalindaās adventures withĀ soft serveĀ were, Nick was only a symptom of the bigger problem: The Kings had no idea what to do with Kalinda. The character was a creative darling they couldnāt bring themselves to killāmade harder, I imagine, by Panjabi herself, who is admittedly fantastic in the limited role.
Kalindaās raison dāĆŖtre in Seasons 1 and 2 was her friendship with the main character and titular good wife of the show, Alicia Florrick (Julianna Margulies). She wasnāt just Aliciaās closest friend in those first few years at the law firm, she was herĀ onlyĀ friend. Then at the end of Season 2, Alicia discovers that well before they were friends, Kalinda slept with her husband, Peter (Chris Noth). Both are devastated, and their relationship never heals. The show turned its attention to different things, partly because thatās the type of avoidance people pursue on a regular basis in order to get around awkward, intimate conversations.
It was a beautiful, sad breakup, all the more so for being a friend-breakup instead of a romantic one. Alicia threw herself into an affair with Will (Charles), driven, clearly, by a need to one-up both her husband and her best friend. Kalinda carried a torch, of sorts: She saw Alicia as an innocent sheād managed to hurt with her carelessness, so she became fiercely protective of her. It became melodramaticāAliciaās daughter disappeared, and Kalinda found her; Alicia talked to the wrong criminal, and Kalinda went to the mattresses, with a baseball bat at the ready.
And without Aliciaās friendship to humanize her, Kalinda became a caricature. Her authenticity with Alicia couldnāt really be replicated with anyone else without betraying the essential nature of the characterās closed-off reluctance to connect with other people, so she became a tight-lipped, leather-clad robot, more an embodiment of tortured ācoolā than a relatable character. What the character needed was to mend fences with Alicia and resume her role as mysterious but loyal sidekick.
By sometime in Season 4, it seemed like it was on the horizon. Theyād both made some efforts toward reconciliation (the chair-turningĀ was a big step), and every other character relationship involving Alicia was explored in great detail: She reckoned managers, co-workers, extended family and political rivals. Kalinda brought Alicia some stuff when Alicia was working on a case in Minnesota, and they hung out in a hotel room, kind of just like old times.
And then it justā¦ neverā¦ happened.
That moment in the hotel was the last time they spoke. In 2014,Ā BuzzFeedĀ reported that Margulies and Panjabi had not been in the same scene for 30 episodesāwhen they had to speak, it was merely on the phone. Then Panjabi announced she was leaving at the end of the sixth season. But that deadline did not change her on-screen dynamic with Margulies. At this point, the two have not been in the same scene forĀ more thanĀ 50Ā episodesāanĀ insaneĀ factoid, considering both actresses won Emmys for playing their roles opposite each other in the first few seasons of the show. As of right nowāone episode away from the end of Panjabiās tenure on the showāthe most closure weāve gotten on this friendship is a flashback and a handwritten note conveyed through a third party.
As a viewer who is invested in the relationship between these two characters, it has not been satisfying in the leastāand worse, seems manufactured to manage some off-screen drama. The general consensus is that the two actresses had a falling out, but how that could affect their shared scene-time in a business where ex-romantic partners routinely act opposite each other is anyoneās guess. But the shift left Kalinda at loose ends, arrested partway between a reconciliation with Alicia and increasing narrative irrelevancy. Josh Charlesā off-screen decision ended up being a limitation that worked in the Kingsā favor; for some reason, Panjabiās situation wasnāt as manageable.
The result is that the sixth season is a slog of missed opportunities and unfulfilled desireāplatonic desire, sure, but desire nonetheless. Willās absence has left a void in the showās character-driven storytelling that Kalinda simply could not fill. There is no analogue to Season 5's scintillatingĀ āA Few Words,āĀ but for Aliciaās friendship with Kalinda; there is not even āYet Another Ham Sandwich,ā to round out the first two stories of grand jury indictments that both centered on Kalinda and Alicia.
Which leads me to my next point:
3. Anticlimax
Almost every major story line in this season of āThe Good Wifeā has fizzled out. (The only one that didnāt was the one about Kalinda, and as I just attempted to explain, nothing with Kalinda felt like it was working.) Every story lineāevery exhaustively plotted story lineātook its characters to a place that looked and felt an awful lot like the beginning, but seemingly without the intention of commenting on that strange dĆ©jĆ vu. Like:
a) Firm musical chairs.Ā So itās Florrick & Agos, but then Florrick, Agos, & Lockhart, and then Lockhart, Agos, & Lee. Got all that? Thereās some reasoning for why all these lawyers keep switching places, but the main reason is that āThe Good Wifeā didnāt want to write out either Diane (Christine Baranski) or David Lee (Zach Grenier) as regular cast members. But in order to justify that, the story has to undergo a Byzantine rearrangement of names and partnershipsāand goes one step further, into the almost unthinkably convenient: It moves the new firms back into the old offices of Lockhart/Gardner, just a few months after Alicia and Cary so dramatically took their leave.
b) Election drama.Ā Alicia runs for SA, wins, but then gets embroiled in an internal Democratic Party scandal and is forced to withdraw. Itās devastating, but it renders most of the seasonās storytelling meaninglessāwhat was the point, Alicia seems to be saying to herself, as she furiously sands down a salvaged wooden door in last weekās āDonāt Fail.ā At least she has the door. The rest of us have no such comforts. Almost 20 episodes of storytelling, including famous guest stars, charged conversations with Peter, and Alicia having to campaign for something with her complete lack of poker faceāand yet the show never truly explained why the hell Alicia wanted to run for office, or what she thinks is āgood,ā or āright,ā or ānecessary.ā So much of the show leading up to this season has indicated that Alicia is a character driven by ambition and self-interest. Itās only occasionally that the characters have had a moment to pause and ask themselvesāam I doing the right thing? Do I care about what Iām accomplishing? Aliciaās campaigning did not bring her closer to at-need populations in a significant way, or reveal to her the rich rewards of power. Instead it just seemed to be a thing she did because she was tired of lawyering, which struck me as phony in the extreme: Anyone who watched Alicia defend a case would know that she lived for her moments in the courtroom.
After all of thatāall of thatāto have her lose the seat in what is both hurriedly explained and a little too pat (Wouldnāt there be a recount? Red tape? Technicalities?)ā¦ well, itās enough to make even the most loyal of fans a little batty.
c) That whole plot that was lifted from āThe Wire,ā or something.Ā When it started, the subplot that dealt with the firmās dealings with drug kingpin Lemond Bishop (Mike Colter) seemed like one of the rare moments where āThe Good Wifeā would take note of the almost shocking amorality of its protagonists, these assembled lawyers who use the terminology of truth and justice almost exclusively to get paid a great deal of cash. Bishop has hovered in the seriesā periphery from the start; in Season 6, he becomes markedly more dangerous, to the point that he gets Cary in jail and facing six years of prison, forces Kalinda to run errands for him, and uses his lawyers as a fence to avoid prosecution.
All season, this plot seemed like it was poised to blow; all season, it doesnāt. Things happen, yes. But the impact of the story never sinks in. Alicia has to fend off some questions about Bishop during her election, but otherwise, itās a nearly isolated suspense plotāone that culminates in Kalinda sacrificing her life in Chicago in order to protect the people she cares about and put Bishop behind bars. Sheās disappeared before, as weāve been told. But the audience already knew she was leaving the show, meaning that as soon as Kalinda started tangling with Bishop, it was not hard to guess that he would be responsible for how she was going to get written off the show.
In short, we got a lot of stories that ended approximately nowhereāwhile taking the most predictable routes to get to the aforesaid nowhere. Not even Sarah Steele as Marissa Gold, mining comedy out of every moment sheās on-screen, can make that better.
4. Where's Eli?Ā
Alan Cummingās Eli Goldājoined this year by his daughter Marissa (Steele)āis one of the showās real treasures, a Rahm Emanuel type with an irrepressible personality and more heart than heād like to admit. An election plot seemed to guarantee time with himāI mean, that is what happened in Season 2, when he was brought on full-timeābut instead the election plot was dominated by performances by David Hyde Pierce, David Krumholtz, Steven Pasquale and Oliver Platt. Thatās a lot of new faces in a show that was already struggling to tell character stories without Will Gardner; Eli would have been, at least, a familiar presence. Instead, part of the reason the election story line felt interminable was that it was really hard to care for all these new characters, though theyāre all capable actors. Margulies always makes the most of things, and it wasĀ fine, but it just didnāt feel compelling or fantastic, which Iāve come to expect from this show. Plus, there was that whole thing with Alicia hooking up with Pasqualeās Johnny, which was justĀ weird, because:
5. Just kiss already!
The best thing about Season 6 was the introduction of Matthew Goodeās Finn Polmar, the extraordinarily handsome not-so-subtle Will replacement who eventually moved into the old Lockhart/Gardner offices. Any time Alicia needs a lawyer, she doesnāt call Diane or Cary, she calls Finn; midseason, they approach a perilous near-kiss, before Alicia demurely backs off. I get it: The Kings probably want to build up that relationship in the seventh season, both so that they can impose a reasonable amount of time between Willās death and Aliciaās next relationship and so that they have something toĀ doĀ in the seventh season. But it has beenĀ so boringĀ watching them delicately maneuver around each other. I know itās common practice to do the big romantic twists in the season finale, but this season could have used an injection of good olā-fashioned banging to keep things interesting. (Lest you call me uncouth: āThe Good Wifeā has lust baked into its premise, and in Season 3 featured some of the hottest sex ever seen on network. This is a show whose energy feeds on libido.)
--
Let me be clear: āThe Good Wifeā has surprised me in the past, and it might manage to again. Last weekās āDonāt Failā was one of the first great episodes after a stretch of middling ones, and the show has surprised me both in season finales (like the one coming up next week) and in its ability to make a whole season pivot on a dime, from mediocre to brilliant. Everything could change Sunday night, and I would beĀ soĀ happy to see it. But if you want to know what went wrong up till now, unfortunately, the reasons are all too clear.
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Hey Illeg
I wanted you to know I ended up back on my... I don't even know what to call it anymore where I reread Smoke and Ashes and have feelings. Lots of long and not very cohesive writing later...
Think of it as a hypothetical where they catch up to Sky and end up at Lon Lon in Timeās era? Idk. I also have been reading MistressofInsanity19's stuff...
Malon wasnāt sure what first drew her attention to the girl. It might have been the yellow tunic, pants, chainmail, and sword. Lady knights werenāt completely unheard of but she hadnāt heard of any in recent years. The girl seemed rather young to be a knight. She couldnāt be much older than some of the boys her husband had brought for a visit and her hair was done up in girlish ribbons. Surely the queen would have wanted this kind of a skill to be celebrated. But what she realized with a start was the divinity and despair radiating from this girl in waves. This was not just a traveling Lady Knight.Ā
āHello, Hon.ā She tried to go slow, like when she first met the boys. All the same, the girl startled and hands went to her sword. She saw the girlās face and suddenly realized who this girl might be. āEasy, Honeyā¦ā She held up her hands to both placate the girl and show she meant no harm. The young Zelda deflated. āSo, which Zelda are you?ā That brought the girl from frantic despair to wariness.Ā
āHow do you know who I am?āĀ
āMy husband is out traveling with 8 boys who share his name. That, and you look like you could be a spitting image of the queen when she was young enough that she could shirk responsibilities and come visit us without entourage or disguise. So whose Zelda are you?ā And how in Nayruās grace are you here out of your own era? But that string of questions would have to wait as Zeldaās eyes filled with tears.Ā
āLink said they call me Sun. Heāsā¦ they called him Sky.ā There was a hesitation in her statement and the past tense had Malon immediately concerned.Ā
āMy nameās Malon.ā She explained gently. āMy husband is the one the boys call Time.ā She crouched and took the girlās hands. āWhat happened to Sky, Dear?āĀ
Sun explained through tears that sheād received a letter from one of the other boys. A letter that her Sky had left the group. Heād run off after an opponent had revealed things about the boy's story. Theyād been true as far as Sky and Sun believed. A curse on the heroās spirit. And both the princess and the hero blamed themselves terribly for the whole thing. Sky had slipped away, going after the shadow himself to make things right. That had been the last sheād heard from them. Sun had gathered up everything she had left to her from remembering her life as the goddess and threw herself across timelines in search of her Link or the other Links to make things right. Malon listened, but in the meantime, lead Sun back to her cart, and packed up for the day.
āI know him. I know heāll kill himself trying to fix this and I canāt let him do that again, not when itās not his fault.āĀ
āIt isnāt yours either, Dear.ā She stopped Sunās frantic words. Reborn goddess or not, she was still barely more than a girl. She put an arm around Sun. Sun tucked herself easily into Malonās side. āI havenāt heard from the boys in a while. Now, youāve had a long journey so far. For tonight, how about you come with me. Iāll take you home. Weāll see if I have any news of the boys and youāll be able to rest if nothing else.ā Sheād write a message to the queen tonight and send it in the morning if there was nothing at home to go off of. But for tonight, the young Skyloftian was worn out and needed food and rest and a safe place to sleep.Ā Sun agreed and Malon lifted the girl up onto the wagons seat. It was much easier than it should have been. If there were any doubts this little one was taking any better care of herself than what she'd told of her beloved...
--
Malon managed to get some fruit and milk into Sun during the ride home. It seemed to help buoy her up. And keeping the girl tucked into her side seemed to provide a simple comfort.Ā
There was a flurry of activity in the house once sheād arrived and put the horses away. There were several young men rushing through the house and from the garden. Whether by luck or divine intervention, the boys were here. But Malon was coming up short of the repeated faces she saw rushing around and when they finally took notice of the two of themā¦Ā
"Sun." It was Wild who noticed the two of them first. "How..." Wild shook his head. "Good to see you..." He trailed off lamely.
Malon tuned in to the shouts from a spare room.
"Hold pressure on that one for me. I'm almost done with this set..."
"Another potion..."
"Gettin' weaker Captain..."
"Plenty of fairies if..."
Malon swore quietly as she took it in. She didn't have to wield the Triforce to put together who the boys were speaking about, nor to hear that it was bad.
--
Wild had just stepped out to make elixirs. They had red potions and fairies in abundance, especially with Timeās fairy garden patch here... but he found himself facing Timeās wife who had a second person tucked under her arm. Skyās Zelda. Hylia above this was bad timing. And wasnt that ironic... with everything Sky had told Wild about his Sun...
"I'm too late aren't I?" Sun whispered as she watched everyone's frantic activity. "He's already..."
"No no no..." Wild quickly crossed the living room to grip her shoulders. "He's alive. He's still alive."
"He's dying isnt he?" Sun was sobbing full force now.
"Hey..." Wild quickly moved to steady her. "Hey, wait a second..."
Sun was quickly descending into panic. She could see the rushing of activity and the grim looks weren't the look of a victory. They were the resigned looks of a vigil.
"Sun. Sun. Zelda. Please... I need you to breathe with me, ok?"
"I can't lose him."
"You haven't. But we need to calm down first, ok?" He counted out breaths for her to follow. He felt a sudden rush of sympathy for Four when he'd had to have some sense knocked into him after Twilightās injury. Sun was trying but not succeeding at following his directions.His hands fluttered, not quite sure what to do. This was Sun. This was Skyās Zelds. It was so much like when Flora panicked...that when the girl slumped into his shoulder, he sighed and put arms around her. He talked, both to process everything that he'd shoved away for later and to give Sun an anchor to cut through her panic. "We saw it. We saw his fight with Demise. We saw what happened. We saw the toll it took on him. Everyone saw what it took for him to win. Then, we caught up to him. We found him in the midst of taking on the Shadow, fighting that darkness. He was wounded..." and scared. Wild would not soon forget the naked fear in Skyās eyes as he saw the chain for the first time in weeks. "and... The Shadow took the opportunity to strike him again. He deals in cursed wounds that don't heal quickly." Twilight's wounding had been bad but Sky? By the time they arrived he was almost as Injured as he'd been in the Demise fight. He had so many.
"but we've done this before..." it was shallow. Wild couldn't keep the apprehension nor the fear from his voice. "We rallied Twilight, he fought and held on until the Shadow let go. That's what it'll take for Sky. "
He ran himself so ragged...stretched himself so thin... does he even have the strength to fight?
Wild heard Skyās heartbreaking words once they'd caught up to him after his strength and resolve finally gave out.
"Maybe then I will have done enough to atone... I'm sorry Zelda. I guess this is one promise I can't keep."
"Can I see him, please?" Sun finally begged after a minute of painful silence.
"Yeah" Wild shook himself and offered an arm like he would with his own Flora. "Come on, I'll take you there." Sun hesitated and Malon set a hand on her shoulder.
"I'll come with you." Sun nodded and let Wild lead the way to a separate room off a hallway.
Their presence cleared the flurry of other Links rushing around the room and hallway and let her see her beloved. Sky was guant, there were dark bags under his eyes and he was so pale he looked almost gray. Those plus his almost unnatural stillness sent a panic through her again. Was he breathing? She held her breath until she was able to see the rise and fall that showed life. Like a sudden burst of thunder, the others recognized her as she took three steps into the small room.
"Sun?!"
"How did you get here?" Similar questions were thrown out in degrees of Incredulity. She crossed the expanse to the bed where her Link lay still and gray. But he's still breathing. He's still alive. It gave her the courage to face the others. The ones who her failure had brought.
"Four wrote to me." She finally spoke. "He said you had some questions Sky wouldn't answer. Well, I'm here as a second source and with all my memories from being Hylia." Her beloved said that the others had trouble with the goddesses. She needed to give them something else to blame rather than her Link. If they had someone else to hate, then they'd be able to put their bitterness for Link aside temporarily right? "What do you want to know?" None of them would look at her suddenly. Not even the scarred Champion. Every inch of her trembled under the weight of so many pairs of eyes turned to her with fury like the demon lord himself. She continued speaking.
"Your enemy said Sky cursed you, but it is only part of the story. Demise set a curse on the Spirit of the Hero and the Blood of the Goddess. A death curse from a dying god. A death curse because Link killed him." The fact they didnt react to this said they somehow knew. "Link wasn't supposed to have to fight him. He was the failsafe. Hylia shed her divinity and was reborn as a Mortal with the intention of reawakening her memories and then being able to use the Triforce and destroy Demise. But I was too late..." She took a deep breath, fighting to keep her voice level. It was almost easy to think of Hylia as separate. She was. But the memory of that chaos. "So Link took up the Triforce, fought the demon lord and his master and ended it. If there's someone you need to focus your anger on, it is not Link. You might as well blame the one who wasn't strong enough to stop Demise in the first place." Her voice cracked. "Blame me. Not him."
"Zel..." an exhausted, broken voice came from behind her, where she'd set herself between her beloved and these others. He was struggling to get up. "What are you..?" Several sets of hands moved to try to help her keep him from getting up.
"Don't strain yourself, Love."
"Please. She isn't a part of this." Sky still strained passed the hands, bargaining with the other heroes. "Give me a little time and we'll both leave. You'll never have to..."
--
Malon heard the words, Sun trying to draw the ire of the heroes to herself rather than her Link. Sky, trembling and injured and weak begging for the others to not harm Sun. And they both seemed to believe this was needed
"You're not leaving for a while, Sky." Her interjection parted the heroes and let her join Sun by the boy. "You're hurt and you're going to rest. No one will harm Sun." The words seemed to sink in and Sky allowed himself to be directed to lay back down and within moments, he'd slid back into unconsciousness. She was left with a stunned gaggle of heroes, a girl who was shaking as bad as her hero had been with the effort of trying to remain brave and put together. She finally shook her head and sent a silent prayer for wisdom and strength and spoke to the whole room.
āAlright. There's no reason to have everyone packed into here when there ain't much to be done here.ā She turned to Hyrule and Warriors. āNow, are there any open wounds or any that areĀ actively bleeding?ā The two heroes had a quick but silent conference.Ā
āNo Ma'amā Warriors finally spoke. āThe bandages are holding for the time being and the worst wounds were treated with more mundane methods.ā Malon nodded.Ā
āGood. I don't see a reason for there to be more in here than a healer and someone to keep them company. Do you?ā She directed her question at the boys and received shaking heads in response. āThen it's settled. Set who is on watch and the rest of you, I could use some help around the farm.ā While the boys discussed watches, Malon put an arm around Sun. āIs there anything you need, Hun?āĀ
Sun shook her head. She was trying not to cry again. āCan I please stay with him?ā She begged.Ā
Malonās heart ached for the girl. āOf course you can stay with him.ā She assured. āIn fact...ā With the assurance that Skyās wounds had been at least sealed and bandaged, Malon scooped up Sun and carefully set her next to Sky on the bed. āI can think of nothing better than having you cuddled up with him.ā Sun hesitantly took her beloved's hand, then after a moment, buried her face in an unbandaged shoulder. Malon took a blanket from the foot of the bed and carefully tucked the quilt around the two Skyloftians. The boys had dissipated by the time she finished, leaving her with Hyrule and Wild. She turned to them with half a question before Wild spoke up.Ā
āWe'll keep an eye on them.ā
--
She assigned the boys to chores to hurry and put the ranch to bed for the night. She took up residence in her kitchen. With Wild on injured watch, it was unlikely the others hadnāt thought about food. Sun's slight frame as Malon had lifted her into the cart and then again onto the bed concerned her. Neither one of them should be that... worn. She started a simple meal. Maybe she'd be able to get at least Sun to eat something substantial. While she worked, the debating and arguing of some of the others caught her ears.
"Why wouldn't he just explain it?" Legend groused. "Why'd we have to trust Four's insane ex-boyfriend to show us all of that. Lolia Beneath, why didn't Four tell us about the letter?"
"Because none of you idiots were functioning like adult Hylians!" Four burst out at the accusations against him. "The way everyone reacted to the news that Shadow gave about Sky..."
"How hard is 'oh by the way, I got the full story?'" Warriors shot back.
"That I got it from Sun and there was so many details that the Shadow had left out? You wouldn't listen to me, Cap. You've never heard me out..." The others were joining in now, pausing in their tasks to join was what quickly becoming a shouting match. Accusations were being thrown around until Malon finally ventured from the kitchen. They all were missing the point and so wrapped up in their own point of view they weren't looking to see anything or anyone else's view. The continued thread seemed to be why hadn't Sky just told them the story. Why would Sun word it like that? Sky and Sun's actions had just seemed to prove the Shadow's words as true. A sharp whistle abruptly stopped the arguments as they all turned to her.
"Boys. Have you ever thought that those two kids fully believe that they are to blame and that they deserve whatever ire they get from y'all?ā that shut down several comments as some mouths snapped shut and in contrast several othersā mouths dropped open in shock.Ā "there was nothing to explain because as far as they knew there was nothing to refute." She loved the boys dearly but all of them were being hard-headed and stubborn.
"And I can't believe any of you were foolhardy enough to believe that this Shadow who you've all stated as an enemy would listen to anything it says as having more than just enough truth to make y'all do this." She threw out her arms in an encompassing gesture.
The knock at the door startled everyone. It was too late for any sort of polite visitors and the ranch's neighbors were fairly distant just by nature of the property. Time grabbed his gilded sword and went to the entryway to answer it. The others in the living room strained to listen for some kind of indication of trouble. There was a murmur of conversation and then the eldest stepped back into the room with a cloaked figure at his side. Shortened, greying-blonde hair stuck out from the mask and cowl and covered a red eye.Ā
āHello, Sheik.ā Malon recovered first. āI was going to write a letter but it seems you beat me to it.āĀ
āI had a vision.ā Sheik replied shortly. āThings are precarious tonight. What has happened?ā The situation with the Chosen Hero and Goddess Reborn was laid out. Sheik took the information in, then nodded once.Ā
āI have something I can do. But I will need assistance.My magic is not as great as it was when I was young. Link?ā The address had 6 responses. Sheik's expression flashed a momentary annoyance
āHero of Time.ā Sheik turned to the hero in question, who stood up straighter.Ā
āYes?ā
āI will need your help.āĀ
Time nodded and Sheik turned suddenly to Legend.Ā
āI also sense my magic in you, Descendent-from-a-different-future. Can you use your abilities?ā Legend paled briefly.Ā
āI don't have much natural power of my own...ā He fidgeted with his rings.Ā
āCan you lend what you do have?ā Legend considered, then nodded.Ā
āGood, come.ā The three of them stepped down the hall just out of earshot before Sheik turned again.Ā
āOne more item of importance. Do you both have a genuine interest in seeing this boy healed?ā There was a moment of shock to process the words before Sheik turned to search first Timeās face, then Legendās.Ā
āYour aid must be freely given to be effective. If you have reservations, it is better if you do not offer your magic. So I ask again. Do you wish to help without reservation or regret?āĀ
There was a painful moment of self-reflecting silence.Ā
āI need to fix this. I'm going to help.ā Time answered quietly.Ā
āI don't actually hate the guy and no one deserves to suffer like that...ā
āGood. Come.ā
the HIGH PITCHED LITTLE SQUEAK I JUST MADE HOLY SHIT
DUDE WHAT
I LOVE THIS SO MUCH JHIODFGENDVJSFONGIODVFSGBNVDSFBGSFDBGS MALON IS BEST MOM!!!!!! SUN IS BEST GF!!!!!! SMACK SOME SENSE INTO THEM LET'S GOOOOOO
thank you, aj, i love it so much, and it's SO GOOD
#smoke & ashes#fanfic#?????? I GUESS??? LITERALLY SCREAMING ABOUT THIS EVERYONE COME LOOK AT IT#illegible answers#linked universe#i love it aj tysm#gorgeous seriously#you're so talented
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i finally finished dual destinies. i had fun, but. it's not good. i think most fans agree, the 3d models and colours are ugly, the translation had a lot of basic errors, but the most frustrating part is the story. there's good ideas but they try to juggle too many characters and stories and it ends up being muddled.
so this is my. not how i would 'fix' dual destinies because tbh if i was really trying to fix this game i would simply say it should have been an actual sequel to aa4. but how i would rearrange the pieces to make it a more cohesive game on its own.
should be obvious but BIG SPOILERS FOR DUAL DESTINIES
overall changes:
no more dark age of the law. it's so fucking stupid "the dark age of the law started 8 years ago" does the original trilogy mean nothing to you. you're telling me dl-6 was the glorious age of the law get a grip. this added nothing to the story just say blackquill was wrongly convicted that happens EVERY GAME
no more turnabout academy. i'm sorry turnabout academy fans but it's too mixed up with the dark age of the law and frankly doesn't add anything. i feel juniper should have been playing a similar role to larry in aa1 as the tutorial defendant and a familiar face later
the central problem with dual destinies is that it can't decide if it's an apollo game or athena game or a phoenix game, and that makes the story weaker. so i would make it a game about the relationship between apollo and athena. since that's our central story thread, phoenix doesn't get his badge back until the very end of the game, giving those two more time to shine in court.
let's go case by case:
turnabout countdown
the main change i would make here is that athena is the lawyer the whole time. her having a breakdown because she has to do it alone and phoenix showing up is fine imo, in fact i like that athena has to deal with her ptsd in almost every case. but then it steals athena's moment by having her give up and phoenix take over, and also means that in the tutorial case, phoenix the one who needs to have the law explained to him when there's a rookie lawyer standing right there? honestly bizarre choice from the writers.
i would flip it so phoenix doesn't have his badge and can't take over, but shows up to provide emotional support in a mia-like role, which allows athena to continue defending with his help. the rest can progress as it was.
monstrous turnabout
again i liked this case and i don't think too many changes need to be made. However. trucy was so incredible sidelined in this game she's apollo's weirdgirl but she just dips at the first moment of tension, supposedly to 'look after jinxie' but then we never see her again. i'm fuming. if you want to replace apollo's weirdgirl, at least put some effort into it.
i would have apollo, trucy and athena investigate for this case together. athena and trucy have very different approaches to investigation. i'd like to see apollo and trucy have their dynamic disrupted by how direct and full speed ahead athena is at all times. maybe even argue about it a little. but by the end, they accept athena as the new member of the agency and get the not guilty verdict together, after which, maybe trucy hands the weirdgirl torch to athena and says she'll have more time for magic this way or something. in my vision, this is a game about apollo and athena's friendship, so that friendship has to feel earned, and this was the best place to do that.
turnabout academy
like i said, i would get rid of this one. its purpose in the plot is twofold: develop the character of juniper to how we meet her in turnabout countdown (which i think was unnecessary) and to hammer in the point about the dark age of the law (which i think was actively stupid)
instead. we needed a case where clay was the defendant. the way they introduced clay was so incredibly lazy my mouth dropped open. how is the player meant to feel any emotion about clay's death if he's just a random character? if they created a case where apollo was defending his best friend instead of athena defending hers then cosmic turnabout would have hurt.
i can't be bothered to come up with a whole plot but i would say the case wouldn't be space related, and would have a situation where someone confesses for someone else, as all the major cases do. we finish with a successful not guilty verdict and clay inviting them to his space launch (this would give athena a more concrete reason to be at the space centre and make her a more plausible suspect later)
cosmic turnabout
okay. here's where i start rearranging things. the first change i would make is instead of skipping straight to trial, keep the investigation segment for this one. it wouldn't have to be long, but i think instead of waiting until right at the end to reveal why apollo quit the agency, it would have been way more effective if the player sees athena lie.
think about it. by ace attorney convention, the defendant's always innocent. as players, we know this, and i never doubted athena's innocence for a second during turnabout tomorrow. what an insane metagame would it be if the player also doubts athena's motives. if we have to do the same mental gymnastics that apollo does. it would actually introduce something new in this game that's a fresh and interesting take on the ace attorney concept.
first trial can proceed the same way, but during the next investigation segment i would split it in two- in one half we play as athena and phoenix, and in the other we play as apollo and trucy, while they discover stuff like the footage of athena leaving the space museum for example. again, this makes the player suspicious of athena along with apollo.
but then you might think, okay but when athena gets accused who is going to defend her?
turnabout tomorrow
this is where there would have to be some mixing things around and a good dose of ace attorney bullshit but in turnabout tomorrow i would remove edgeworth entirely (i'm sorry i also thought the wrightworth banter was entertaining but in the interests of sticking to our core theme) and have apollo be the prosecutor. aura likes him and he has a reason to think athena did it.
then athena has no lawyer friend left to defend her (insert line about her being all alone and having no allies) but i would have blackquill act as her defence attorney. yes he's a prosecutor but we've had a prosecutor do the defence before and it's not even a real trial. because athena and blackquill are both suspects in metis' death there would have to be some shuffling while they work on defending each other. i would also have phoenix as the hostage in this situation rather than trucy, so he can offer support to the defence over the phone or through a robot, but this is still athena's case, and her moment to shine.
i'm aware this is a wild shuffle, but if i stick to my idea of this game being about the relationship between apollo and athena, the last trial should be apollo vs athena. it's not just about the truth of the case, it's about them breaking and repairing their trust. all those lines about how prosecutors and defence attorneys work together to discover the truth would be so sick if they were about the friends who we've been watching grow apart as they mend their relationship by discovering the truth.
after the fulbright reveal they can still swap out. blackquill becomes the prosecutor and apollo and athena take down the phantom together on the defence, reaffirming their friendship once again.
yes i mostly removed phoenix and completely removed edgeworth. that's because their presence was extraneous to the game's plot and themes and every time either one of them made a comment about the dark age of the law i was seized by the urge to punt my computer into a wall.
i did enjoy some parts of dual destinies and from what i hear the production was a bit rushed and all over the place- if capcom really did want to leave aa4 behind i really wish they'd put more thought and time into making this a good standalone game, instead of. constantly bringing back OT characters to overshadow the ones we already had.
#the transition to 3ds was tough on everyone huh#side eyeing professor layton altho that was nowhere near as egregious#at least we have the crossover#ace attorney
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My initial thoughts on what we've seen from Little Nightmares III so far:
okay, first of all-
ohmygodohmygod it's happening this is the best day of my life I'm eternally grateful we get more of this oh my god I'm so happy-
okay, with that out of the way, I have more in depth thoughts. My overall feelings on the reveal are incredibly positive, but with the caveat that this is still visibly missing some elements from the initial LN formula. This isn't to say that this will be bad in comparison, just different, and I feel it's worth it to put a spotlight on that.
The most obvious example of a change in philosophy is the inclusion of multiplayer. To be totally honest, I was actually worried about the idea of them including it, because the addition seems to stand against the linear artistic experience that the series is recognized for, but the way they've pitched the multiplayer does sound pretty unobtrusive, so I'll bite my tongue on that. I do think it has a risk of making the experience less cohesive though. It's clear that the decision was inspired by LN2, but that undersells the amount of individuality that six has in that game. You can't recreate the volatile emotions of your interactions with her if there wasn't the moments where she's not there with you, and you couldnāt have the scripted moments where she acts of her own accord to serve the narrative, if she was meant to serve the dual purpose of being a vessel for another player. idk, I suppose we'll see.
The other visible element that branches out from the original philosophy is the very clear push towards grounded, overt storytelling. Little nightmares from the beginning has presented it's story in a very deliberately vague way. Typically, it pushes the story beats through implication, and let's your brain fill in the gaps to get the intended story beats alongside some lingering uncertainty of the conclusion you've come to. it's not a game that is meant to be explained (contrary to what some youtube videos might tell you lol). the truth of little nightmares story is, explicitly, what you personally take away from it. some people view six as sympathetic, some people view her as purely heartless, and neither conclusion is wrong (please don't fight about it ; ;)
anyway, point is... this new entry is distancing itself from that element that's been inherently baked in until this point. like in the initial development of the first game, they removed all references to real world language, there is deliberately no spoken language in the series. the only exception so far, out of every piece of media in the series, has been the comics, which were cancelled and decanonized (though those characters still exist in that universe somewhere, in my heart ; ;) and the press release material, which has been the backbone of all explicitly stated Little Nightmares facts. we wouldn't even have character names if it weren't for that stuff, there are no names stated in any of those games!
with that said, and while it is cool as hell that they exist... making the new announcement of additional story media in this universe be through audio drama is a bit of an odd choice, isn't it? like... inherently? with this in mind? Like I'm over the moon with excitement, I'm not complaining, but the change in philosophy is pretty visible, right?
also, speaking of the universe, another example of the shift to more overt and clear storytelling is that they've officially given the setting a name. this isn't strictly new, we have "The Maw" "The Nest" (still canon in my heart ; ;) "The Pale City" and the new game, in turn, has "The Necropolis"
and yet, another name in the marketing has been "the Nowhere," a name that has been exclusively described with language implying we are already familiar with it, e.g. "welcome back to the Nowhere" and "are you ready to return to the Nowhere?"
This name has never been used in any previous media, as far as I know, but I think it's pretty clear that the underlying implication is that "The Nowhere" refers to the entirety of the LN universe.
not to sound like a broken record, but... my reaction remains a simultaneous "this is cool as hell" and "this was made with a very different philosophy in mind."
I predict that LN3 will have a much more cohesive story, grounded in a specific and defined setting. We've lost the ambiguity present in the series' identity, but that could lead to some cool things in the future.
overall? I'm extremely excited and incredibly optimistic, but do think that we should go into this new experience with the understanding that it might be a different one. There is visibly a new team working on this one, and while they may not have put as much focus into the subtleties of this franchise's identity, they are very clearly trying to stay true to the overall identity. you can tell in the art style, it's borderline perfect, and it's very clear that the people working on this knew how important stuff like that was to this game, and to us. This won't be the same experience that Tarsier would have made, but Tarsier was content to not make any more of that experience, so a new direction is far from blasphemous. I'm overjoyed that we're getting this new experience, with all it's little differences, and I can't wait to see what they do.
(also, to anyone who's curious about the design philosophy of the original game, I highly recommend this presentation. I feel like not enough people have seen this, and it's so interesting. Its all neat, but since It was partially to promote the game while it was still being developed, a lot of stuff in it is just showcasing a demo of the game and showing the trailer. All the cool stuff you'll wanna hear starts around the 16 minute mark)
#little nightmares 2#little nightmares six#little nightmares#little nightmares 3#little nightmares spoilers#little nightmares game#very little nightmares#ramblings
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Review: Fire: Tales of Elemental Spirits by Robin McKinley and Peter Dickinson
Water: Tales of Elemental Spirits was one of the unexpected hits for me this year, so I was eagerly awaiting picking up the sequel. Sadly, while Fire has some good moments, itās not nearly as stellar as its predecessor.Ā
Like Water, Fire is a collection of short stories ā or, in this case, four shorts and a novella ā all themed around one of the classical elements. Husband-and-wife team of Peter Dickinson and Robin McKinleyĀ take turns writing and although there are obvious differences between the two, their styles mesh well enought that the book still feels cohesive.
āPhoenixā (Dickinson) ā A young girl meets an old woman and her mysterious young grandson, the keepers of a small patch of woods, and learns of their connection to the magical, immortal phoenix. This one started off really good and the middle of the story, while the protagonist raises the phoenix chick, was charming, but the plot went off in a strange and somewhat uncomfortable direction later on and the ending tried to shove in too much exposition too quickly.Ā
āHellhoundā (McKinley) ā Miri adopts a giant dog with red eyes from the pound and when tragedy strikes the riding stables she runs with her family, she will learn just how extraordinary her pet really is. This one had a slightly rushed ending, but overall it was quite adorable. Miri and her family are all very likable and the plot has a good sense of tone.Ā
āFirewyrmā (Dickinson) ā In an ancient, icy land, Tandin walks the dangerous ghost path to learn how to defeat the firewyrm that menaces his tribe. I liked the mythic, mystical tone here, it was fresh and new after the first two, more traditionally modern settings, and it was fascinating to learn about firewyrm ecology through Tandinās eyes. There is, however, a subplot involving a curse that is broken in a way that was both under-explained and very strange.Ā
āSalamander Manā (Dickinson) ā A young slave is purchased from his shopkeeper mistress by a wizard, but it turns out that there are other forces at work. This one started out promising as well, with some spare but evocative worldbuilding and an intriguing setup, but partway through it became incredibly rushed. It almost seemed as though Dickinson ran out of pagecount and was forced to just put in a summary of what he had planned to do with the rest of the story, which was extremely unsatisfying.Ā
āFirst Flightā (McKinley) ā Ernās brother Dag has been away training as a dragon rider, but as his official first dragon flight approaches, he is assigned to a dragon with a disability that makes it impossible for her to complete the task. Ern must overcome his self-doubt and help Dag find a way to make the dragon fly again. āFirst Flightā is the longest story by quite a bit, which works to its detriment a bit, taking a while to get going and overall meandering. Once again, however, the worldbuilding is fun and the characters charming and likable. The narrative voice feels like a refinement of the one from Dragonhaven, still an energetic first-person narrator, but slightly more focused and less chaotic.Ā
While there were a few stand-outs, overall, Fire was rather disappointing. None of the stories sucked me in the way the ones in Water did and the weaker tales were actively bad instead of being merely forgettable. While I still plan to pick up the final book in the series, Earth and Air, Iām not anticipating it nearly as much as I was anticipating this one.Ā
Warnings: Although it is subtle, āSalamander Manā contains an undercurrent of what I percieve as slavery apologism, seeming to contend that slavery is alright if you treat your slaves well. While itās ambiguous if this is meant as in-universe or authorial sentiment and I like to give the benefit of the doubt and assume itās the former, it made for an uncomfortable reading experience.
Additionally (spoiler alert), the plot of āPhoenixā involves a character aging in reverse, Benjamin Button style, and remaining with his wife (including at least occasionally sleeping in her bed) throughout the process. While the nature of their relationship as he becomes a child is not elaborated on, the possible implications are obvious enough that readers sensitive to these themes might want to skip this one.
Rating: 5/10
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spoilers for the newest episode but i think i finally figured out my issue with the Adrien being a senti thing and maybe why other people dislike it as well. (this is not slander i promise i love adrien and i want the best for him.) (ps this is also unedited so read at your own risk)
Adrien presents himself in public as someone who is incapable of flaw and thatās the point of his civilization appearance and duality of his hero identity. I take no issue with Chat Noir being a senti yet i take issue with Adrien. But why? they are the same person! iām going to explain why this is and i think many others feel this way too.
1. Adrienās civilian identity of perfection makes it harder to see him as a person and not just a character. He feels flat this late into the series. (THIS IS NOT SLANDER LET ME EXPLAIN)
This may be intentional for the future for the other characters perception of Adrien in later seasons but for the audience it should not be this hard. He is technically a main character and i think we donāt hear enough from him internally. We never hear his thoughts. We hear Chat noir having his own dialogue about himself but never Adrien (iāll get to that next). We had that heartbreaking scene in wishmaker where Adrien only wanted what his parents wanted for him but i feel that we didnāt get elaborate enough point of view from him. i wanted him to explain more of what that meant for him!! was he sad about that? happy? angry? we never hear his opinions of himself and just because heās a senti doesnāt mean he canāt think critically of himself. (if the writers say otherwise that just feels like bad writing)
2. the gap between Adrien and Chat Noir feels too wide.
As the show progressed i hoped that we would begin to see how Adrien and Chat Noir and Marinette and Ladybugās personas would blend together. My favorite scene was in risk was Adrien FINALLY speaking his mind (in front of someone he cares about!!) thatās huge!! i loved that!! i wish they kept this up in season 5 more and we had more scenes where adrien tries to wrestle for control. i feel that would have greatly benefitted his character. I wish we had more personality overlap. and example of this is as him and marinette started getting closer in season 5 heād start letting his guard down around her and letting more of the chat noir side of his personality through. iāve talked about Adrien being the embodiment of perfection and that is intentional from a writing perspective. his counterbalance is being chat noir and chat noir feels very human, real and tangible. He feels like a teenage boy who is in love, and thatās why the chat noir persona is a fan favorite. he feels very real and thatās why Iām ok with Chat being a senti. ļæ¼ļæ¼ļæ¼ļæ¼ļæ¼ļæ¼ if I had learned, Adrien was senti in season one ļæ¼i would have been a lot more on board.
moving away from the story and on to some technical gripes starting with my biggest and most polarizing opinionā¦ ļæ¼
3. I think that Adrien being a senti was added retroactively and it was intended to be a plot twist.
now this is just a theory but listen to where Iām coming from.ļæ¼ļæ¼ this isnāt a bad thing necessarily I just feel like when they executed this idea, season one was already being aired on tv. if you take a look at Adrienās character in s1 vs s4, you can see that Adrienās general demeanor ļæ¼is looser and more fluid between both of his identities ļæ¼compared to when we get in the later seasons. Adrien with other people, Chat Noir, and Adrien alone, fit pretty cohesively in my opinion in s1. ļæ¼in s5, Adrien very much feels like a husk of the person we knew before. The fear of fighting back has now fully taken over him, but where did it come from? ļæ¼You can push all you want that it was Gabriel taking more control over Adrien in later seasons and sure, but why didnāt we see that as an audience sooner?
Now letās play devils advocate and suggest that Adrien being a senti was not a retroactive decision: ļæ¼ļæ¼if it was, I wish we saw Adrien pushing Gabriel more. somewhere in the season 3-4 timeframe, Adrien begin to get scared of fighting back. and in season five you can see this fully as he is now completely scared to fight back when, in the very first episode, the idea of fighting back against his father seemed more of an annoyance than a full-blown fear. I wish we saw what made Adrien so scared because it feels like it appeared out of nowhere. ļæ¼ļæ¼ļæ¼ļæ¼ we donāt get much room to work with him as a character and see his perspective.ļæ¼ļæ¼
And now the plot twist point. weāve definitely been getting clues because this theory is not a new one by far however, in the fandom a couple years ago, it was definitely a far-fetched theory at the time.ļæ¼ļæ¼ļæ¼ for a characterization point for the main character, such a crucial piece of information about his very existence, should not have been held for that long. ļæ¼ That shouldāve been something maybe revealed to the audience in season three. and revealed to the characters at the end of season five or something like that. ļæ¼ļæ¼ļæ¼
Adrien losing that fluid dynamic essence from season one really made it feel like we lost him as a character ļæ¼ somewhere along the way and that is what I donāt like about it. I donāt like that Adrienās whole personality has been reduced to him being senti. all of his character arcs and progression is only expressed through chat noir, and none of it through Adrien himself. ļæ¼ļæ¼ ļæ¼
One last thing I wanted to add was Mayra didnāt sense ļæ¼ļæ¼that Chat Noir was a senti when she was active. Thatās been a little thing thatās been bugging me because Felix clearly picked up on the fact that Kagamiās a senti. and you could counter that by saying oh, itās because the miraculous was broken! and sure we could say that but from a writing standpoint, I donāt like it. it doesnāt fit cleanly with everything else we have.
I say all this out of love for the show Iāve been a fan for 7 years. I also say this out of love for Adrien because I want the best for all these kids, even Lila and Chloe. ļæ¼ļæ¼ļæ¼ļæ¼ļæ¼ļæ¼ļæ¼ these are mostly things I just wanted to get out there and please do correct me if Iām wrong, I love hearing other peoples opinions! iām due for a rewatch of the show anyway ļæ¼so I wrote this all from memory .
#miraculous ladybug#mlb#mlb fandom#mlb adrien#adrien agreste#marinette dupain cheng#ml spoilers#no salt#ml criticism#this is meant to be constructive criticism pls donāt flame me#mlb s5 spoilers#mlb spoilers#mlb s5#sentimonster adrien#sentibeing#senti adrien#constructive criticism#ml character analysis
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20 D20 Fanfics
My friend @remidyal ranked their fics once they had written 20 of them. I have just finished my 20th story so Iād figure I would do that too! Dice rules so 1 is the worst and 20 is the best
1. Drowning in the Ink
I had the thought āwhat if Rosamund and Gerard got caught when they went to find Elodyā. I still think this is a good thought and want to re-explore it but my execution in this story wasnāt the best. Writing it before the finale was out meant I was working with half knowledge on a lot of characters that I think shows. Plus, I saw a lot of people on Tumblr saying the Princessesā plan was actually good and I got annoyed at that and it definitely bled through in the story too much. Iāll probably redo and expand this one sometime in the future!
2. Old Habits
I often dislike my most recent creations. Itās got too much me on it still. I havenāt distanced myself from the art yet. So this one was me trying a few things outside of my comfort zone and I really donāt feel like any of them turned out as well as they could have. I can barely even speak of it at this point the emotions are too fresh!
3. Safety
Not much to say about this. Shortest thing Iāve ever written and I do like how it turned out but itās definitelyā¦ short. I enjoy Gorgug and Adaine interacting, I enjoy Adaine scared, but nothing makes this little guy stand out.
4. Half Siblings are a Whole Deal
This one honestly isnāt even supposed to be good. Itās a direct retelling of canon featuring my OC, that premise isnāt going to win any Hugo awards! But itās fun and I want to explore how Figās character would change if she wasnāt going through her family drama alone. If she had to be, heaven forbid, responsible. I do plan on continuing it! Iāve got some good ideas for the end that Iāve already set up.
5. Additions to the Beehive
I think this one is so low just because I didnāt really like the latest chapter I put out. Plus, I donāt really have a solid plan for this story. I have a few scenes I want to do, character beats and themes I want to flesh out, but exactly whatās going to happen is a mystery. The titleās really solid though.
6. Blight
Pains me to put this so low because Remidyalās Poison series is so solid and Penelope Everpetal is so fun but I kinda stumbled through it. Thereās a couple sections I straight up should have deleted and a couple more I should have added. I do think I got the right vibe down, though, and I really want to do more with Penelope in the future.
7. Sneaking In Sneaking Out
Iām going to be honest, I just wanted to write some scenes about sneaking into buildings. It was really fun and I felt clever writing it. I also liked making Aelwyn really really mean especially because Remidyal had posted Camp right before where she was pretty darn nice. Not much happening in this story but it was fun!
8. No Blood Relations
I dunno this one is fine. As stated before, exploring Fig having to go through her parents divorce with someone is very compelling. I also liked pitting Adaine and Fig against each other a little bit, it felt very real to how siblings of divorce act. Too real. Iām kind of blocking it out.
9. Tender Love and Care
I liked this one a lot. Itās supposed to be romance but I donāt think I really it comes through (because Iām bad with romance) but I really liked getting into a desperate Fabianās head. I think I did well with the physical environment in this one too, something I usually struggle with. And the line at the end of Fabianās section? Where it says āhe prayed to the only god he ever believed in. āKristen please.āā. I know Iām the one who wrote it but I think about it daily.
10. Ring a Bell
Right in the middle! I really like the chapters I have out for this one so far and Iām excited for the plan of where Iām taking it. Only time will tell if I can pull it off into being a good cohesive story but for now this bad boy has potential!
11. Please Wake Up, Please Donāt Sleep
My other Neverafter Fic! This one I am much more proud of. I think I really got the voices of all the characters down and managed to make an interesting little scene out of a relatively simple concept. Rosumand is just a teenager! Someone give her a hug I am begging.
12. For Want of Citizenship
I think this story is severely underrated honestly. I got Goldenhoardās voice down pat and the pacing of the story flowed really well with nice details that I often forget to include to center the reader. Plus, itās a āwhat ifā scenario that gnawed at me from the moment the pieces were in place and I was sad nothing ever came of it in canon. Patched a hole in my mind this story did.
13. Horrified Looks from Everyone in the Room
Ah, the story to start us off. My second highest kudos still. Which is wild. Itās a good fic for sure! I think Fabianās and Rizās sections both shone and it really started off my addiction of giving Adaine a Bad Time. Definitely things I would change about it if I had to do it again but overall I can see why itās still so popular and Iām very proud of it!
14. Rule Number One
The other story to kick things off! Canāt believe the prompt āRiz lets Biz think theyāre friends just a little longerā started a whole expanded AU. I still think this oneās great! Sticking in Rizās point of view so the reader couldnāt even tell Adaine was having a whole episode until she started sobbing mid sentence was wonderful. Rizās guilt and justifications were so juicy. And! Everyone liked my weird Rule quirk I gave to Adaine which I had fun playing with. This one isnāt higher because I think some of the information about the changes in this AU could have been given out in a smoother way but overall one of my best.
15. Fabianās Sister and Other Perks of Punching an Ambassador
Firstly, nameās bad. My worst titled fic. But itād okay we love it anyway. I very much like what Iāve got going on with this story. Exploring Fabian and Adaineās relationship in a unique light, fleshing out Bill and especially Hallariel, even fleshing out some of Fabian and Adaineās insecurities! Iām nearing sort of the end of the fic (Iām at least half way through) and Iām excited where itās going too! There are some things I wish I had spent more time on (the other bad kids, Cathilda, ect) but what I do have is solid and streamlined enough for me not to be too sad about that!
16. The Good Wizard Gorgug
My. Most. Underrated. Fic! This is such a solid story I adore it. Gorgug is my baby boy and it was so much fun exploring Adaineās character through him. The steady climb of them becoming better and better friends, growing more confident and relaxed around each other, only for it to all come crashing down to be slowly built up once again. I love it! I love Wizard Gorgug! What a good good boy.
17. Babysitting a (High) Elf
This one was also fairly recent but I really liked how it turned out! There were things I wanted to explore with this, Gorthalaxās guilt about not being there for Fig all these years, Adaineās complicated emotions about being abandoned, and I felt I pulled it off well. I also think I did a good job making it funny and writing high Adaine as silly while still noticeably herself. Until I sucker punched her at the end. I couldnāt resist though.
18. Mastermind Introductions
Everything I set out to do in this fic I did flawlessly. I wanted to rewrite Adaineās introduction scene and hit a lot of the same ābeatsā but with the special AU twist. Aelwyn and her fight in the beginning (where Adaine kind of started it and then very much failed to end it), stealing the book and then being embarrassed by Fig and Kristenās help, stuff like that! I really felt like I pulled it off and introduced the other Bad Kids just as well as I did Adaine. If I would change anything it would just to tweak a few details to fit better in my new vision for the overall AU. But besides that itās a flawless work!
19. The Young Oracle
Yes! I was really worried about this one because of all of the weird time jumps. But I couldnāt not have weird time jumps. It was a story about a very powerful diviner! It couldnāt have time be linear! And I think it wouldnāt have made sense if everything had been in order, funnily enough. But besides all that I really like the tone I set for the story, the details I put into the world, (how I managed it without ever watching SY), and I have been thinking about the expanded version of this AU excessively. Is it a perfect story? Nah, but I adore it perhaps the most of all my fics.
20. Property Of
In a move that caught even me by surprise, Property Of wins! Itās my first muti-chapter Iāve finished, itās got a really solid character arc, and I feel like I let the tone slip from silly to wild and unnerving in a very smooth slide. Plus I justā¦ had a lot of fun writing it. I couldnāt seem to put it down for a second and when I blinked I was over 10k words! It was supposed to be a one shot! How naive I was! So yeah, Iām proud of it, it was fun to write, and itās fun to reread and think about the implications. Nat 20!
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