#these are just my messy stream of conciouseness thoughts

[zeravmeta]

actually yknow what i do have some thoughts abt this i wanna get out not only abt danganronpa but problematic media as a whole and to start i do think the reason dr is so rife with discourse about being Problematic or not just has to do with the history of how the series came overseas and it does lead to a larger discussion on how to engage with media critically i think. like for dr you had to be the Dankest of Weaboos to get into it when it launched, with a whole ton of overseas non-tld stuff slowly coming in for about 2-3 years before it actually got popular here, and the series' specific style of playing with tropes, stereotypes, the artstyle, all of it just kind of conglomerated into a very recognizable and love it/hate it type series where the fanbase was mainly a whole bunch of impressionable progressive teens, and really just being on this age group with a shifting internet culture is part of whats made dr endure for so long as a memorable series. you had people growing up and out of it you had people being very into it people being very against it and a lot of the discourse surrounding it was infamous bc dr DOES have problematic aspects to it but (and this part is very important) those unfortunate aspects arent what the series is about, and the venom came from trying to reconcile that. i feel like a lot of modern internet culture has this issue with reconciling the problems of their media because so much modern progressivism is performative and the fast nature of this culture means people have to sanitize themselves as much as possible lest they face the horrible loss of internet clout. people either take misplaced embarrasing pride in ~denouncing problematic media~ or are entirely uncritical of media with problematic elements as a way to defend it and generally both of these are unhealthy ways to engage in media, not even mentioning stuff like shipping culture and peoples staunch refusal to engage in media unless they can ship things in it, or how people just run with a shows base concept and make millions of au concepts out of it without really appreciating what the media is about. and look, people are free to enjoy/engage with media in any way they want, if someone wants to make 15 million coffee shop au fluff fics about whatever new movie came out they can do that, but the problem with those mindsets come from when inevitably they step out of that bubble and have to engage with other media critically, it leaves them unprepared, because the fact of the matter is that no media is truly unproblematic. there will always be some failing people can find, whether at fault of the creator or audience, theres no perfect pure piece of media out there, and where this really comes into play is when making the distinction between problematic media, and media with problematic elements. problematic media is stuff like hp or aot, where the inherent racism/sexism/transphobia/etc is a CORE, DEFINING PART of that series’ themes, vs media with problematic elements (like dr), where they’re unfortunate side effects. does it suck that theres racism/sexism/transphobia in dr? absolutely. should it be excused/overlook? no. is the racism/sexism/transphobia what the series is about? absolutely not. another good example i could point too is fate bc anyone who knows even a little about fate knows that, unfortunately, theres these problematic aspects in every corner of the series, but the reason theres such hardcore fans is because those problematic aspects arent what the series as a whole is about. this doesnt annul any discussions on these problematic aspects, and moreover its actually IMPORTANT to have these conversations because theyre a part of critically analyzing media, but overall its a matter of taking the good with the bad. no one is holding anyone at gunpoint to like anything or excuse anything, and you can just Not vibe with a piece of media, but people arent evil for liking media with problematic elements. and really instead of picking fights its important to be able to engage critically with any type of media and make peace with any problematic elements whatever media you may enjoy might have in them by actively being aware of these problems and being open to discussions on these issues rather than taking these criticisms personally and denouncing any criticism altogether. theres absolutely nuance to this btw depending on the vast variety of different media franchises that exist but overall being uncritical of media as a way to either denounce it or defend it is ultimately a losers game for both and only hurts any type of meaningful discussion to be had, especially with the assumption most of the time that liking media with problematic elements = excusing these aspects. please just be critical with media and be kind with people

[order-progress]

I used to have a really entitled outlook on life. In my mind though, I was entitled to my thought processes because it was where my mind existed in the place having had come from a once far more turbulent era. Back then I didn't question things that werent outwardly obvious. I didnt question the unremarkable identities of things that exhibited no distinctions amongst one another. Life was a stream of experience, and I just did the best of choices I decided to arrange, or really actually, more like shuffle choices into a messy pile and pat myself in the back cause I could squint at it my mismatched pile of non related events and not feel guilty for putting off routine, structure and goals.

I guess it isnt so surprising to anticipate that like all my other experiences, disicpline would present itself when and if I needed it to be summoned out of wherever creative and yet very hard to imagine location i would imagine it arriving at some future, ambiguous date, just in time to make no work look like fancier no work and with ribbons on it.

Something very common happened to me, something that is happinning right now all around the world, no matter how many days, or years after i first posted this here.

My boyfriend broke up with me.

I wore my entitlement pretty high that day, because somehow, despite there having been no carefully executed plan made on ky end--some masterpiece scheme of genius where one could really see there existed some reasonable and healthy attention to tackle to fucking problem.

Nope. My mother fucking entitled ass decided id actually be shocked. Not even fake shocked. Thats how you know you have lost touch with your surroundings, because big things happen in your wake..while your awake and yet somehow your stuck on who killed the butler in the library with the candle stick.

What makes this one of the most significant event despite its occurance being fairly common globaly, is that his presence had caused me to become more aware of more of the things I would have otherwise taken in stride, none of these events were remarkable on their own, but collectivelly, I had inadvertantly cleaned up my mindspace to find neatly organized clusters of thoughts no longer blending into the subconcious like 70's urban grafitti.

I didnt hold that moment to some disporportionately skewed sugar coating scale just to get ribbons on them after they were organized,I just acknowledged them, like a breath,where as before, they were simply obstacles or pit stops that would perpetuate the chronic attention deficit I had welcomed into my head. I like to think of ADD as the worlds most innefective street sweepers, they sweep alright, but they just make a bigger mess and then you got things in places they have no business being in.

I was in a place of low self worth because of an accumulated collection of short lived and half assed adventures, disastrous endeavers and the nefarious presence of something so obscured, so black and forboding, made me avoid certain places for simply not wanting to deal with the house keeping it wouldve required to mitigate its destructive intentions.

I kept myself busy to not force the acknowledgent that this would become a source of not only my insecuruties, but then in addition to its ever increasing interconnectedness, its complexity. Its chambers that hardened like a mystical kight of armor, whose drawers were full of destructive objects and thoughts that rattled in their confinement as a means of foreshadowing something so sinister, I could not then yet fathom the destrutive ways its icy talons would engulf and twist into my everyday life simply to create chaos, and it didnt register that this was a problem because amidst this battle royale of fragments and bits of poorly put together patterns, Francisco's presense was a light whose emimation lulled me into a complacecy I hadnt anticipated

It wasnt that in this period, that I conciously made a decision to disregard the growing issue, it was the novelty of being in a loving, beautiful and mature relationship with someone that as each day grew, so did my conviction that this person was becoming the brightest fixture in an ever cramped confined hallway of possibilities.

As I stood there aware of this moment, feeling a satisfaction and a gratitude I had never felt before, I realized that I had come so far on autopilot, it was a move that was almost instinctual, I rolled my sleeves up, put on the rocky theme song, got my gym bag ready, went and bought like every stupid unessecary stupid trinket shit people buy to feel like their getting a handle and a good start on some shit, but really it just becomes the infuriating bag of junk that is now the obstacle between you and the door handle to exit your car and actually start your project.

I felt a sense of urgency, I saw how unequipped I had been and while I was and it was this moment that taught me how much I loved him. I reckognized that somehow I was one of those fucking weirdos that jumped through those seedy ass short cut type scenarios in life to give you the same effect of the real thing in less the time, kind of like a GED vs high school diploma, or plan b instead of condoms.

I recognized that there was an innate element of unneccesary risk involved in many of my accomplishments. The risk was usually always a concious decision that I would accept a certain amount of totally unnecessary consequences that typically would define the life of those people who you catch specific glimpses of in mysterious times like dawn or dusk. And be like..yea i could totally see that guy having to figure out what to do with the llama he inherited as a result of some gamble.

This was no longer an acceptable risk. It wasnt that i thought it was dangerous or scare him away, its that I am not the kind of man that wakes up and sees the problems his factory has and finally knows how to fix it and then just be okay with going to bed and put it off.

This is where I get annoyed again. I knew that I wasnt capable of actively doing something against him, because we both agreed on things, and also neither of us was completely high as fucking kite on methamphetamines while operating a forklift to tune a paino yet.

I couldnt ever feel bad about atheletes who ugly cried after being disqualified for juicing to get an unfair advantage in the sports world.

Yet once again my overwhelming confidence, my lovable man mentality of "fuck a map or tools you got grit, spit and teeth". Prevailed.

Im mad because it was this moment right here. In a sea of me being happy to grow and learn and doing the rignt thing. I saw a place i overlooked, its presence was almost like a marker that there were many other areas i needed to work on, and i got sad.

I didnt feel good enough. I felt like a mess. I felt dissapointed at the pride in nothing I had taken so many times. I was finally proud of the changes i was making again, only to be reminded in a very real way of how I never had structure, never had a fail safe implemented effectively to instead of adopting either anxiety or no fucks about an event that could have been in my power to mitigate, i either didnt even notice I missed it, or didnt care.

As I started seeing the mountain of work I had to do, I wondered what it meant about how effectively i could handle other things moving forward, it was an irrational fear that I had that I would dissapoint him because I wanted us to be happy. But i am an artistic person, people who work with details to make a larger picture learn early on how to work details, and I never evaluated just how shoddy my altertanitive crash course was like getting PlAN B instead of putting a condom on.

I can handle pressure effectively. I can be okay with my decisions. What I cant do is open up a factory, see everything that was negelcted when I now know how to fix it, and then go to sleep like nothing bothered me.

I never in my life found myself in a place where i came face to face with old life and it made me feel sad or humilated. I felt like a fraud for just having gotten lucky that everytning worked out, while he worked hard.

I suddenly felt something I never experienced before, fear in love. The moment where you realize your not a piece of shit because you actually dont want to let someone down, the moment when you feel bad because you walked around in life with luck you didnt give a second thought to and passed it off as hard work. And here was this beautiful man, whose life was suffering and hard work, and you realized all of it at once, and there I was, eager fucking beaver captain america man of the house cause now i feel like a god damned engineer since i could assemble an ikea 3 piece wrench-back the fuck up motherfuckers.

I just felt humbled and i felt driven. I also felt the pressures rise up around me and I dont know why I couldnt look away from the sight of the realization of how id been. And its not like i did it all on purpose, but from that moment on, it was as if I had something to prove to myself that at that time I couldnt understand yet because I hadnt reflected yet. And as I was taking the scenic route on ways to "punish yourself is actually how we fucking motivate ourselves around here cus were fucking men" the bigger I created something inside me that wasnt ever there. And then as the places that I had been tendering to and growing in started to not be kept, pressure in my life at home happened. And for the first time in my entire life I was embarrassed at my life.

I remember the moment I felt it, my mom leaving me at work after I lost my car. I walked 2 miles in the cold because i was infuriated that I allowed another event I could have forseen to happen.

I never in my life reflected this intensley on my actions before. Having him in my life made me realize I had been holding myself to a higher standard because I am at my best when I when I am actively building towards something. I opened a place in me I never saw with those eyes and it hurt me. I tried to let him in, and to be honest, the insecurities of him seeing all that mortiified me..not because I would be seen as a slob or this or that, i was just dissapointed that I for a time during when I needed it the most in my early life, I wasnt necessarily taught healthy ways to do things. Mostly because I came to this country at 10, didnt know english, parents worked all the time until i was 16 and then dad got sick with brain cancer and we caught it after he had a seizure cause dad apperently loved moonlighting as my biggest fan when he would go reading my journal at night.

I didnt know how to explain it to francisco. I was feeling. New concept, i was feeling out of sync, i didnt understand why it hit me so hard. I was trying to look away and orient myself on the present.

I could have just dealt with that. But i suddenly felt raw and vulnerable. My boyfriend and I were getting into arguments because I just wanted us to be closer due to this need i didnt know how to vocalize about what I was going through, and he hesitated because he probably thought id leave him if i saw his dirty secrets.

That was the one thing he really never appreciated about my love. I just knew. If everything else was as evident ..like this feelings and where they came from and how to process them healthy while ...it just all got too much. I didnt know how to tell him what I needed. I just needed him.

I started to feel like i wasnt tethered to the focused areas I was so eager to work in. I just kept telling myself communication is key we will get through it.

Then I the drugs did something I didnt expect them to. They turned off this guilt and switch. They gave me the quiet to make them come down to a more manegeable place where I wasnt overwhelmed anymore.

Because I couldnt process this in words at the time, i didnt know how to express that to him. It led to me feeling guilty for not understanding why i enjoyed doing the drugs aside from the stimulant effect. When i tried to explain it to him, it was like trying to coin a cheesy motto for a doomed cereal commercial in french, basically everuthing sounded like something he had no understamding or could relate to.

I started feeling depressed because i could see that although from his perspective we were fighting..

I was even more frustrated becauese we werent fighting. I was pretty much crying, trying to tell him in french something he didnt understand while he was yelling at me in english about me not respecting him by not speaking english.

This was the worst fucking part. Because part of the issue that led me here was accountabiliyy and communication.

I kept telling him in the only way i knew how.please im sorry i know things are getting worse. But this isnt how we are.

I thought we could get through anything.

In his mind he saw a piece of something, he ignored my emotional attachment to it..and i mean i cant blame him, other people never quit.

But even in those moments i knew i wasnt going to be other people.

And suddenly i was alone. I was depressed. I had realized that it wasnt us that was th issue so i tried so hard to communicate more effectively that he got frustrated and said i talked in loops. I felt so alone because i understood his frustration and i just needed him to trust me. But that was the perfect storm when i just got so alone feeling from his inability to just not look at me how i felt at myself. And i honestly tried to fix it in the middle of him running away and the most painful thing was that he couldnt understand and i didnt know how to say it.

I dont blame him for leaving

But a part of me breaks to my very core to know that if he just literally lookrd at me like yes i was going crZy but i was just hurting and overwhelmed.

All i wanted and needed was him.

The worst. Pain was that he didnt see that.

And i needed to explain it. And he didnt let me.

I felt like i was desperatly trying to express something of real explaination. I just honestly was desperate to because he was running.

I

[naughty-teddy-innit]

A Smutty NSFW Ed Stream of Conciousness Ed Blurb 🔥🐻

{Inspired by Drunky, dancing, sweaty, Gangsta in Da Club Teddy}

AKA Group Chat is a dirty, dangerous place 🔥

Hope you enjoy...

You're barely home, he's all sweaty from dancing and gettin' his Gangsta on all night, all musky boy smell and traces of faded cologne, the curls at his neck and ears are messy and sweat soaked. You're so impatient, not enough coordination or patience or time to take all your clothes off... Your hazy, tipsy, shots-laced self only wants, needs one thing… Those messy, drunky, I wanna taste you and fuck you all at the same kisses, he's got you, all while trying to undress you… ..He's got your panties off and your skirt yanked up, shirt pushed up (no bra thank CHRIST) all in in drunken, carnal haste. You'd be fumbling with his belt, trying to concentrate your fuzzy alcohol laced thoughts on getting it undone, wanting his cock out of his pants, still while tasting every bit of his mouth, his lips, his tongue. He helps you by yanking his belt off and unzipping, yanking at his jeans and boxers, all while his lips have not left yours.

He can absolutely see how impatient you are, why's that cocky smirk so fucking sexy?

"Right here, yeah...?" he breathes slowly, the bright colours of his arms quickly lifting you up under your thighs, and pressing you to the wall right inside the door. Your legs automatically wrap around his waist in all too eager response, his pants are BARELY peeled down his thighs, only enough so that he can palm his cock. He exhales: a growl that rumbles from his chest, the dirty smirk on his face still belaying his enjoyment at your rushed intentions, and before you can catch a breath or tell him to get on with it, he's balls deep, and oh fuck, your head tips back and you hand reaches down, over his hip to squeeze his perfect, fuzzy little round ass....

You just want it hard and dirty, you need him to fuck the hell out of you, you're trying to match his rhythm but the copious amounts of gin and vodka sluicing through your blood are NOT helping....His hips are messy and sharp and all but jackhammering you into deep wood of the door frame. His eyes are wide the fuck open, fixed on you and the "Oh fuck... Oh fuck..." that fall from his lips, the sweat that's gathering at the copper strands at his forehead… There is nothing sexier than when this man is about come, mid-fuck, mouth hanging open and pupils own wide, his ass flexing as he fucks into you, you can feel under the grip of your palm, the lines of his broad shoulders lifting and tightening with every movement....

It's comes on so fast, that pooling of heat and cold fire deep in your belly, it just erupts, and goes on and on, waves and contractions of pure pleasure. The wordless shriek, the high pitched "Ahhhh fuck YES.... Teddy I'm... Fuck...." and he's right there with you and you can FEEL the warmth between your thighs as low, raspy "Ah ah ahhhhh's" are tumbling from his lips, those pretty lips he always bites as that last bit of his orgasm tears through him....

You can actually feel his heart slamming against his inked up chest, pressed against yours. He slips out of you, and gingerly helps you set your feet on the floor, and you both sort of giggle amidst catching your respective breaths, and you find yourselves both sliding into a sort of collapsed against the wall sitting position. He presses his forehead to yours, and a flash of that sexy little shit smirk crosses his face. "Well. That wasn't shit..." and he cackles at your expression. "Lucky your dick is so talented, Edward." You raise an eyebrow, biting done on the grin that threatens. "Think I'll keep you." "Lucky me..." he murmurs, and grins, planting a kiss on your lips.

Hope you guys like it. Think I turned my damn self on... Phew. Comments, Asks (Even Anon ones!), feedback, it's all loved and appreciated.

Also @fingersnthumbsbaby and @whydontijustleavethisrighthere still get the blame for this, I'm pretty sure 😙

*MASTERLIST HERE*