#theres so much to unpack here lol

[mind-or-matter]

Jack Jackson

Going by the moniker Jack Jackson [He/They/She], this seemingly ordinary human Penny meets and befriends early in their Mindscape adventures holds a plethora of intricacies that Penny must unravel as they venture into his mind. Complete with wild magic, a past that suggests he wasn't always human, and complications which go array along the way, Jack's Mindscape faces a challenge for a very fresh to the job Penny.

Holding a... complex relationship and history with humanity and his sense of self, Penny helps Jack break out of his shell and come into finding a sense of self. Exploring her newfound capabilities gained along the way through exposure to Adfectus and exploration of herself, Jack remains an ally figure to Penny through their journey.

[artfightdramaconfessions]

To the people complaining about Omu and the Diner server; there’s literally one fix to all of your qualms with it.

Be more active.

All of these claims are baseless and cropped out screenshots for a reason. You don’t know Omu. I don’t know Omu either but I don’t see the problem if you literally participate in the community.

To the most recent reply I’d be asking why you didn’t communicate your issue to the mods.

Anyone can rebrand their name if they want to by the way. Don’t make assumptions.

Also kinda weird? to be reading someone complain outright about a chance for free things and a chance for small artists to get a following in flea market. You’d know that the cost from diner literally put Omu in the NEGATIVES. Due to tax. She was literally making negative money off of her work. Backed by her funding.

There’s also a disclaimer that the mod position is a volunteer position and the mods I know are people who are aware if you told them. They are there because they WANT to be. They know there may not be money involved for their work.

Saw someone complain about Omu having a job while making money from the diner. See: point above, literally someone stating that she has the right to participate in events as well, alongside the fact being a nurse is not a high paying job at all. Just because you have a job, doesn’t mean it helps you get by with perfect pay. Just saying.

This is sort of similar to reading people complain about a popular artist for a popular following and their mistakes accompanied with it.

But yes, just be more active. That’s literally it. I’d know because most of the “problems” you’re seeing is from sporadically inactive biases and whatnot. It’s easy to have that mindset if you’re not personally involved with the community to a T.

Besides, it’s not hard to get involved with the community. All it literally takes is participating in the art events held there like Hellgames, or doodle above, talk about similar interests to people in the general chats. That’s literally how I got to talk to a lot of nice / amazing people there.

It’s pretty much a skill issue at that point if you don’t know how to approach the community. If you thought this place is worse than AF, you’d be dead wrong.

.

[thedevilsrain]

absolute INSANE eroica moment is when eberbach literally threatens a woman with violence and she goes off on him until hes on the verge of a breakdown

[saltcxrcle]

why is my dad the way that he is T-T

[hetamata]

[ID: Post reply reading "@ hbmmaster Because they are such smug assholes about it. Also when it comes to dinosaurs, if you don't believe what scientists say you're some ignorant fool, but they themselves keep changing the same dinos over and over(Is the Spinosaurs fully aquatic yet lol) It's not like Chemistry or biology were terms and definitions and such matter, it's a rock in space super far away.]

hey I don't think it's cool to call people you're annoyed with about an opinion you disagree over "anti-science". Thinking that Pluto should be included in the cultural reference alongside other things classically called a planet is fine, because planet is a term with no rigid definition, like "fish". Cultural clash /= people somehow being "anti-science".

it's literally not a matter of opinion. "planet" DOES have an official standardized definition, and pluto doesn't fit it. it's very different from a scientifically meaningless but culturally meaningful category like "fish".

regardless, this belief alone isn't what I'm calling anti-science. I'm talking about stuff like this

that is, the type of rhetoric that's been filling my notes the past couple days. this is anti-science.

[iloveb1ur]

Colin didnt deserve Penelope

i didnt believe that colin deserved penelope or even properly liked her for who she is as a person but instead liked the valedation he got from her.

i know this is contreversial but hear me out ,

colin's whole character arc is based around the fact that he for one isnt taken seriously by his family and second that he doesnt know who he is. he's the third son in a rich family and doesnt really stand out in any way.

so penelope who always since their first meeting has looked at colin like he hung the moon and always cared for him greatly is always going to appeal to him because she makes him feel important and valued.

i also was not convinced that colin wasnt just sexually attracted to Pen, like the proposal in the carriage scene when he fingered her was not romantic at all.

listen, its probably different in the book but i felt that the showrunner and screenwriters didnt believe in polin's romance enough so filled the story with 94 other sideplots. this is a shame because there is so much potential with polin and they just fumbled the bag MASSIVELY.

childhood best friends to lovers is literally my favourite trope for so many reasons - i just fw the slowburn for like 16yrs lol. but WE DIDNT SEE THE RELATIONSHIP ENOUGH it was so rushed. WE DIDNT EVEN SEE THE FIRST TIME PEN AND COLIN MEET WHAT A FLOP, they had a scene where they talked about it WHAT HAPPENED TO SHOW NOT TELL GUYS.

and i get we need the whistledown reveal but i genuinely believe that people dont watch bridgerton for drama and suspense but for good romance, period drama vibes and hot men and women.

i just didnt believe in the romance guys im sorry and this obviously has nothing to do with luke and nicola i love them both dearly but both me and my friend rose were left feeling indifferent by season 3's main couple.

but i promise there was a lot i did love about bridgerton s3 like francesca and john, eloise and cressida and the bridgerton family together as a whole!

anyways, if you like me are a massive bridgerton fan you are definitely going to love the podcast episode me and my friend rose recorded talking all things bridgerton s3! we deepdive and expand on what ive talked about here in regards to pen and colin's romance, why we love francesca and john and talk on ALL the side plots. its basically an hour of us unpacking all things bridgerton s3 and theres certainly a lot to like!

the link is at the top of this post and the episode is also available on spotify, apple podcasts and amazon podcasts on the confession club podcast where we talk a lot about our fave romance media!!

i hope you enjoy and thanks for reading :)

[pinazee]

Weekend warriors is one of my fave episodes for a multitude of reasons

The way Shawn flirts with Sally Reynolds at the briefing was fantastic. Shes such a memorable one off character and she doesn’t really do much. I credit that to Clair Coffee and her dazzling smile.

One of the best moments of Shawn showing just how amazing his memory is, and the little montage was wonderfully set up. But Gus really shouldn’t be surprised by now. Out of everyone (except maybe his dad) he should be the least amazed by his gifts.

It has my favorite most stupidest joke i still laugh at to this day actually ive been promoted. Its Captain Crunch now.

I have a deep appreciation of this show for never shying away from the fact that Gus is black. It seems like a lot of 00’s shows simply avoided the topic altogether (if they even had a black main). Starting from the pilot when gus placed his hands on the dash when the cop pulled them over. It goes to show how important it is to collaborate with your actors, particularly if your writing room demographics don’t correlate with your acting talent.

The fuck are you talking about henry. It took him 4 months after he was born to smile at you and thats when you acknowledge him??? I mean, i think they both know thats crap, but still lol

Solid Juliet moment. I love that they showed she was scared, but was brave enough to continue. Too many shows try to do feminism by making their female characters not feel fear for some reason? Or like, they’re kind of crazy and seek it out. Idk. Its nice that shes allowed to be afraid and vulnerable. It makes her feel like a real person.

THIS!

That end scene is the saddest fucking thing ive ever seen, and might be the most heartbreaking little shawn moment in the series. Im going to word for word this because i need ppl to share in my awwws

Shawn: Gus, when we grow up, think ill ever be as cool as you?

Gus: You’re better at kickball

Shawn: Not what I asked

Gus: We talking about your dad again?

Shawn: mm-hmm

Gus: Come on dude, the guy respects you

Shawn: Not like he does you

Gus: I’m not his son. I mean, he might like me okay, but he loves you

Shawn: Did he say that?

Gus: No.

Shawn: Well then how can you be sure?

Gus: You mean he’s never said it?

Shawn: Come on Gus, we’re guys.

SO MUCH TO UNPACK HERE but i’m going to do that in my henry analysis ep. Theres just too much to say.

[ghoulspaw]

I have to re-read the episode cause there were a couple of things that *thinking lots of thoughts* !!!

Kaito and romeo, the comedic duo you are. They had me chuckling pretty much throughout the entire episode LMAOO 😭

Us: haha what if romeo lucci --> gucci lol

Devs:

IM SO GGDJSG?!?! i thought they did it only for the puns, not for his actual LORE BYEEE 💀😭

[inhales deeply] KIRISAKI BROTHERS 😭😭😭😭🥹😭😓😩🥹🥺😪🥲😭😭🥺😢😥❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

Zenji THE BEST big bro ever im so sad :(((( i definitely need to reread cause theres quite some things to unpack in here

Im ECSTATIC for butler obscuary !!!!!!!!!! MY BELOVEDS!!!!!!!!!!! 🫂💖

And im actually excited to get more of these inter-squad episodes, hoping we get to see ghouls who we've never seen interact with each other together, kinda feels like canon fanfic/smau hgdhd

[roouzes]

Can you tell us more about the OC you ship Stanford with? I know there’s only two pics of her on her but I’m so intrigued with her

omg ofc !!! i did not think anybody would be interested in my ocxcanon slop 😭

her name is Yvonne Westwood, she's the same age as Stanford (not sure about the timeline still so that might change or it might not) she wants to be a botanist, and she likes poisonous plants (her fave is the oleander plant, because they r pretty :3)

but basically she came from a rich family who didn't rlly care for her much (aside from her older brother, he still keeps in touch with her) they never supported her nor her dream to become a botanist, so she left home early to study botany at BMU with the little money she saved before leaving.

by the time she was enrolled Ford would have already graduated (he graduated early if i remember) and is conducting his research in Gravity Falls.

this is where i insert some of the stuff from a fic i read on AO3 (Forays with Ford by prayanimal, very good fic, theres a lot of 18+ content though) but basically Yvonne is referred to Ford and he provides lodging for her stay at Gravity Falls, as she'll be staying there for the summer to write her dissertation on the plants that inhabit the town.

freaky stuff happen with fairy ring shrooms (and hallucinations oOooOoo) and by the end of summer they find it hard to part from each other :3

heres an old drawing of them in the present time i guess. lol she loves using him as a guinea pig

she changed a lot from her old design n lore, she was supposed to be a family friend of the Northwests, and a direct parallel to Pacifica's character, but i scrapped that and just kept the rich family background because yay! trauma

theres still a bit to unpack abt her character but if i gave it all away in one post this would be much longer than it is 😓

[t4tpumpkinduo]

tangentially, whenever ppl get annoying abt merchantisms it makes me wanna dangle the streams in front of their eyes. how do you get that they don't like eachother or either one is an abuser abt anything they've done. what show are you watching. el heich.

like. no yeah the dude who whole deal is that he isn't the heartless monster he wants to portray himself as, secretly IS that heartless monster. despite the narrative over and over going hey, this guy makes some awful mistakes but he clearly cares for people deeply and is being portrayed sympathetically and isn't some irredeemable asshole. this goes fr both btw but i'll focus on cq here cuz i see that one the most in these discussions specifically.

he made cfundy sign a contract saying if he ever left or betrayed lnv, he'd kill him. then didn't enforce it at all 😭 he let him do whatever he wanted. cfundy literally BROKE into his room, STOLE his clothes to LOOK like him and match, and this deeply paranoid guy got all flattered abt it, then let him leave lnv on good terms. they're on /pos standing w eachother explicitly.

he was completely blindsided by the cpurp betrayal. he was genuinely so shocked that it would happen, he completely forgot abt the rammies . he blindly trusted him (abt multiple situations INCLUDING the cookie outpost) and walked up to what was clearly 😭 a trap. and didn't even blink or think it through for a second. like.

it never even crossed his mind ccharlie would be upset w him in any way. and the whole time he was w him, while obviously he had problems like projecting shit onto him and trying to manipulate him, he was v much trying to protect him and shield him from the shit that happened to him, and was ALSO shocked when ccharlie betrayed him fucking sniffling and snorfing and horking like a loser the whole time

and after all that he's STILLLLLLLL very chummy and friendly w foolish, and in lnv5 foolish has to like tell him off and go hey man we're not close like that lol. yr just my boss.

LIKE!!!!!!! the whole point is he's not sm one note evil demon! he stays wack he makes horrible mistakes and choices but he still stays a deeply earnest freak for the whole series. that's the POINT.

but no yeah 😭 smhow despite not displaying these wacko traits w any other person, except one hyper specific situation where the guy he's mauling is a violent stalker murderer who kills and kidnaps children, tortures inoccent people, and is actively and selfishly withholding a deeply important resource that would guarantee the safety of everyone on the server bcs he wants to have power over the kids he keeps beating. and cq wants to stop him from doing those things. hello.

but despite all evidence against it, despite it all, he's still merchant cschlatt's horrible demon captor. to him specifically. somehow. like.

yeah, there's nothing to read into the fact cschlatt would go to him in the first place, despite objectively having MANY MANY other options, including avenues he himself could take alone. not to even mention theres nothing on the dsmp tht would allow a soul binding contract that they would have access to. they deffo just shook on it lmao. it doesn't have that horrific weight ppl give it. 😭 they can both tap out whenever but they do noat.

there's nothing to unpack abt the fact q was grumbling the whole time he was in the gym, but was still following schlatt around and giggling at his jokes. there's nothing to dive into abt the fact cq goes ewwwww i don't even wnna see you lolllll go awayyyy. but if i win the bet you have to stay w me forever. forever. always.

and nothing to say abt cschlatt being portrayed as "having no power" in the situation, as just being a poor uwu pathetic idiot w no agency despite the fact his agency and intelligence and cunning are deeply important to his character, despite the fact he's also being a huge weirdo. saying he was jerking off to q, and trying to tie him down like a dog to a post so he could keep him down in the gym, or even bothering to seek him out and trust him w all that in the first place specifically. 😅 nothing to say abt the fact the merchant is doing the exact same shit he was pulling in the mansion 😭😭😭 and nothing to be said abt the fact twitter character ints are canon and ccschlatt in character replied "you've come a long way sugar pumpkin, let's play mancala" to a lnv5 stream tweet. which.

even Then, while i have my v severe severe severe problems w lnv5, it objectively ends w cq going forward even more w trying to make amends w ppl, and finally trying to open up fully again. AND lnv survived the dsmp world ending nuke.

ANDDDDD to address "the mansion takes place in the distant future" argument, the mansion objective canonically takes places around the start of lnv as confirmed by multiple streams and characters, including cschlatt and cconnor themselves so. like regretfully i must inform that if you watch tht stream its nowhere near a happy ending for cschlatt, was never intended to be, and objectively like sucks severely out there. he's desperately sad and lonely, and then everyone abandons him again including ckarl. 😭 how is that the best scenario.

so yeah, he's in lnv and he and q are hanging out gay style playing board games and kissing under the moonlight and in good standings no matter which way you slice it and you can mald abt it AND get REALLLLL. all roads lead to cpumpkinduo you miserable slut

[faradaykay]

You are literally so real hello that. phenomenon annoys me a lot.. i like thinking of ryuji and ann Trying to become somewhat friends with goro, but its cool just thinking what they could talk about on their own . (Like just ann and goro, without mentioning joker, or just ryuji and goro) And of course, ann is perfectly awesome on her own, not only with another character(s)

Also gonna be real im not a super sumihead (lol) but i do like her and she has a lot going on..like. guys theres a lot to unpack here where all the sumiheads at. Ok they're probably there HSHSHD but its true you see her more in the bg of stuff u_u

YESSSSSSSSS YOU GET IT

i honestly don't inherently hate ann and goro friendship. i truly don't. i used to think it was a cute concept actually, if anyone were to have patience and kindness with him after Everything i think it'd be her. but now i see it and i immediately get defensive bc the way they are portrayed is just... bad. i especially really hate how people seem to have turned them into the stereotypical "gay man and his girl best friend" dynamic in all of the content for them bc they simply... aren't like that. it's not their personalities. and i think if people wanna do sh//uake while making ann friends with akechi they need to be not misogynistic about it. make her an important character instead of just having her pop up when akechi wants to go to the mall and go #GirlShopping and talk about love advice. like people in general need to do a way better job of checking themselves with the whole "yaoi and their girl best friend" thing bc so often it's just misogyny and acting like women are nothing but side characters

AND THE SUMI THING... jesus christ idk if you saw that one clip from persona 5 tactica promo material where it's sumi, joker, and akechi and the camera is on sumi for like 0.2 seconds before it switches to joker and akechi for several seconds and she is just like. no joke in the background. and i was SO MAD when i saw that. and i thought the general reaction would be outrage. bc she is just as much a part of the game as akechi is, so whyyyyy would they do that, give my girl some goddamn screentime. but no. the sh//uakers made so much art of this exact moment. sticking her in the background. it was a whole trend. and it's like. that's so fucking annoying!!!!!! she's not a background character of sh//uake. her ties to them account for like. maybe 1 hour total of the 150 hour game that is p5r, and many of the other hours of the game have moments that distinguish her and make her an interesting character in her own right. but i legit don't see content of her that's not primarily sh//uake content anymore, and when she is in ship content of them, she is often metaphorically or even literally shoved in the background

and it's like. that's misogyny. this is misogynistic. you do realize that right.

there is a right way to both ship men and include women in your content, but the p5 fandom certainly hasn't figured it out. please. i am begging you guys to do better

[officialpenisenvy]

i vividly remember one time as maybe like a 12? year old trying to open mouthed kiss my mother because i guess i thought thats how you were really supposed to kiss people due to tv . she didnt appreciate it but she was also definitely at the very Least wilfully ignoring my father molesting me continuously and occasionally right next to her since i was a baby so theres that too. jokes on both of them now since i havent spoken to them for like 4 years [mother went politically insane and dangerous lol] and now i have an excuse for having an incest fetish i guess #whatever

SO much going on here i can't possibly begin to unpack all that. good for you on not speaking to them anymore though 🙏🙏

[filamints]

gordon: 1, 10, 14. tommy: 20, 48. benrey: 36

this is so so so fucking LONG IM SORRY i just got excited to talk so now i wont shut up. it will be readmore'd to save ur dash

gordon:

1) What does their bedroom look like? Like a shithole, mostly. All his life, its always been too cluttered with junk in a haphazard stack of piles. If he lives in one place too long, eventually every inch of wall space gets coatings of posters and papers and sticky notes. Its overwhelming visual stimulus.

Take his tendency for all those behaviors, and mix them with post-canon agoraphobia and depression, and the stacks of magazines and games get stacks of garbage on top. Door dashed takeout containers pile up, endless empty bottles of beer and bottom shelf vodka, bags get stacked in towers by the door for when he get brave enough to leave his apartment to sprint to the dumpsters (not nearly often enough).

The apartment he's currently is was only supposed to be short term, off site housing set up by Black Mesa before the new compound dorm/apartments were finished and he could move there. He at least started with a pretty clean apartment fresh from that move, so most of the current mess is honestly just nesting in depression trash now that his next move has been obliterated off the face of the earth. The only thing different about his bedroom vs the rest of the house is that's the room with the bed in it, a box spring and mattress directly on the floor, the frame leaning against a wall behind unpacked boxes, never assembled. Pull yourself together, man. (This will happen eventually at least)

vv More below because all of my answers are this long. vv

10) Neuroses? Do they recognize them as such? CHRIST hes got brain problems. He has had ADHD all of his life of course. Hes also has anxiety & depression, look at him. Hes aware of those at least. The one hes not aware of, at least preResCas, is bipolar disorder. ADHD was an easy diagnosis as a kid, visible from the outside. The anxiety & depression troughs are what made him seek out meds in college. But it can be hard to see the bipolar cycles from the inside, especially with the neat and easy depression diagnosis right there obscuring half of it. He just thinks every time he hits his unstoppable stride that hes 100% over his shit and hes gonna get better and hes fucking unkillable untouchable unstoppable.

And then he falls off a fucking cliff and he can look back and beat himself to shit that he should have known better, this happens every time and this time the hell is just gonna last forever as punishment. Repeat for a good decade of his life.

Post canon, add that agoraphobia mentioned before here, as well as a good dose of PTSD. Between being tracked by the military, every time hes seen the fucking sky for the duration of canon he will shortly have bullets or missiles raining down on him, and general paranoia that he is still a wanted man, 'going outside' is just too much. (He even states in canon that he has ptsd from the grenades and even soda cans look too similar and freak him out lol) I feel like he would also be very anxious about the dark after Black Mesa. He had been sleeping in random rooms still brightly lit, and the dark was always bad news with the most heavily damaged sections of the compound + he got his hand literally cut off in the dark. He has to go pussy mode and sleep with lights on or nightlights at least and he will beat himself up about being a child for it endlessly. Speaking of that incident again, grabbing or restraining his right arm will also send him into a meltdown. This is a fun fact that he will learn about only in the most embarrassing bedroom meltdown over toy handcuffs.

14) Physical abnormalities? (Both visible and not, including injuries/disabilities, long-term illnesses, food-intolerances, etc.) And on the non-mental end, theres the hand. Although reattached to his body, its still not perfect. Most days its not too bad, a bit slower and less sensitive. But sometimes it acts up, pins and needles, weird aches, grip strength weakness, a kind of lag in input that leaves him dropping things or breaking them. Particularly at night, it tends to hurt. Touching the skin around and on the reattachment scar really skeeves him out for a long while, the location of physical touch doesn't quite map with where his brain thinks it should be, like his nerve map is slightly to the left of where it all should be.

tommy:

20) Childhood illnesses? Any interesting stories behind them? Not an illness persay but it did take quite a while for him to get the autism diagnosis. A lot of the symptoms that stand out at weird in boychilds get glossed over in girlchild, not speaking is just 'being shy', the tiptoe walk is just 'high heels walking', etc. Especially as a girlchild in the foster care system. It wasn't until like, late middle school that was figured out when the social aspects and meltdowns made paying attention to the symptoms inevitable, looking back it was Very Obvious.

48) How do they express love? Certainly not verbally, lol. If we are going by the typical love language categories, its more on the 'quality time' side. He's the type to like parallel play type activities. There's also gifts, but its food gifts 90% of the time. Very good at memorizing people's preferred orders at any given restaurant or coffee place and will pick you up your favorite treat. :)

benrey:

36) What makes them feel guilty? Not gonna lie, he's very hard to make feel guilty on account that he doesn't view most of what he does as either wrong or at least not his fault. I think it takes up until the boss battle for him to even get he did something wrong and feel bad about it. Because it was unintended, there really wasn't any guilt for him. I think to make him feel guilt, whatever he does would have to have a very visible and understandable detriment to someone he cares about, and if you want him to feel guilty without telling him why he SHOULD be, his involvement better be obvious.

It seems funny, but i think he would have a lot more genuine guilt over something simple and cause/effect like knocking over and breaking a glass or eating someone else's food in the communal fridge as opposed to something more abstract, like someone getting hurt as a consequence of something else that he did but genuinely thought was harmless.

[sttoru]

so i like i a girl (i think)

well i used to have a big crush on her about a year ago but i think my fear of rejection and commitment is the only thing that’s stopping me from asking her out.

okay so about a year or two ago, i had a big crush on this girl in my college. we have so much in common and we talked all the time. and then during the end of my first year, i asked her out (not like a romantic/date kinda of thing, just as friends going out ykiwm?). so we went to the cinema and then we walked about until we both went our separate ways to go home and then i immediately lost feelings for her. not as in i hated her or anything, i could never she’s always been so sweet to me but i just didn’t feel that romantic interest in her anymore. that’s until i spoke to her recently.

time skip to the present (so two years later from the event above) she’s working full time and i’ve moved to a different college to prep for uni next year. for some reason i had missed her so much and i have no idea why. these feelings came back outta nowhere and then i ended up inviting her to see the fnaf movie with me and omg it was so good to see her again it’s literally been MONTHS since we’ve talked or seen each other face to face. um anyways, i like her again.

btw (if it wasn’t obvious) i haven’t confessed to her at all (bc i’m a coward). i was so close to saying something at the cinema but i didn’t (again, bc i’m a coward). but i feel bad. i feel like i’m leading her on or toying with her feelings. i don’t want to see mom like i’m wasting her time, i just wasn’t ready at first. dgmw i could wait and see what the future holds but i doubt i’m gonna find another person like her. (i’m so sorry this got so long 💀)

tl;dr

i got a big fat crush on this girl and i am fighting back demons to not confess my feelings to her because i lost interest in her a few years ago but those feelings came back recently when i met up with her after so long and i don’t want to seem like a piece of shit

OKKAAAAY THERES A LOT TO UNPACK HERE !!.!:!:8 😦😦

UHM okay first of all EEEEK ik . . . love is hard & (romantic) feelings are hard to fully understand too. it’s much more complicated / complex than ppl think — like it’s described in ur msg to a certain degree. but tbh.,,,

theres this saying that goes ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ which is actually perfect for your situation LOL i think the fact that you have realised your feelings for that girl after you spent a long time apart & met up again, says a lot. u speak very highly about her so there definitely must be some kind of feelings involved too

i would say: take time and figure it out before anything else. keep contact with her if yu can, don’t hint or do anything that you’re unsure of or could possibly lead her on when you aren’t sure about your own feelings abt her yet. bcs what if your feelings go from romantic to platonic again? yk it happens LOL figuring out what you precisely see someone as is stressful but yea it has to be done to prevent unnecessary painful consequences

thoooo if you ARE 100% sureeee of your big crush for her, then i will also advice you to take your time & dont rush into anything. i dont think you’ll lose contact any time soon (since you had a 2 year break before) so dont worry abt that. confess if you feel like the time is right / whenever you feel comfortable doing it — no forcing urself to!!!!!!!

u wont seem like a piece of shit if you figure your own feelings out first . keep it at friends until you do! then its all goooood . GL BBY U CAN DO THIS >_< tis nerve wracking but if u take enough time to reflect, im sure everything will work out smoooothly

[mimimangos]

Jan 20, 2024

Since my last writing about two and a half weeks ago, I've packed up, moved 6 hours away to school, unpacked and moved in, and had a whole week of classes! Well almost whole, it was a 4 day week.

I am doing,, just okay. I am so excited to be back on campus and in school. But I feel super behind since I've failed so many classes previously, and took basically 3 semesters off. I'm essentially a 22 year old 3rd year. I've been a student in this school for five years. I was supposed to graduate this year, but I have two more years left, at minimum. Some of the kids I have classes with were highschool freshmen when I was a college freshman. I feel self consious and ashamed about that.

I also feel like i'm already behind in some classes after only two actual class sessions (tues/thurs and wed/fri classes). I didnt get as much studying done as I would've liked in those five weeks that i time blocked (But getting into time blocking was definitely worth it, thats helping me so much).

I haven't had to do any actual math in TWO YEARS. I celebrated taking the "last math class of my life", completely forgetting that I need to take a calc-based physics class. Now im struggling in class to find the sides of a triangle with sohcahtoa 😭 If i don't glue my eyeballs to khan academy i'm gonna be a wreck trying to integrate and find derivatives.

And one class has an "Assignment 0" which is just downloading and setting up all the software we're gonna be using, and just trying to clone my gitlab repository took me several hours to figure out.

All the deadlines and assignments and quizzes and project dates has my head spinning. One class requires you to upload your notes to the lecture video before every single class (m/w/f class, so 3 times a week), and its something like 10% of your final grade. Idk i just think thats stupid lol. And I can't help but write notes differently when i'm concious of the fact that someone else will be reading them :/

But I will be studying hard, and getting stuff done early as to not fall behind.

That was academics, now onto my roommates.

I was placed in a random campus apartment with 3 other roommates. We each have our own room, but share the living room and kitchen. They're nice and i want to be their friend so bad, but I'm so socially awkward and i don't know how to make friends 😭. The thing is, I'm coming into "their" apartment mid-academic year, and thats only because their other friend moved out for an internship or something, so I got put in the vacant room. They're already a little friendgroup, the three of them plus the friend that moved out which they're still in group chats with. They might've even know each other before living here, they seem pretty close.

They're not intentionally excluding me or anything, but everytime i'm chatting with them it feels so awkward, and when I go back to my room and I can hear their fun conversations finally ignite. They talk about their mutual friends, and their parents, and plans to roadtrip. Then I go back out to fill my water bottle or make tea or something, mostly an excuse to join their conversation, and the conversation goes back to quiet and polite. I know I act the same way around new people as well, so its not their fault, but I dont know what to do, how to get around this. I heard them from my room talking about anime, and I so badly wanted to join them, but I didn't know how to do so naturally without creeping them out like I was eavesdropping their convo the whole time. You can only go fill your waterbottle so many times.

Its already the end of week 1 and i've barely talked to them. I'm afraid if we don't get more friendly soon, as time progresses, we'll get more stuck in the same routine and we'll only be able to be awkward and quiet around each other for the rest of the semester. I want to suggest we order some food tonight and maybe watch a movie, but idk is that weird? To suggest out of nowhere and not really knowing them? And theres no TV so we'd have to watch on someones laptop. Aughhhh idk. Plus I really need to get started on all this work i already have. Maybe i'll suggest it next weekend.

I'm already planning on making cookies for everyone tomorrow. A freshly baked cookie is the way to friendship, surely?

[crushed-starlight]

ok !! yall need so many updates from me aaa i'll try to speedrun them n not give u too much junk to read hehe

the main thing is, today i took a huuuge train ride home from uni !! i was on the road for a super long time but i got tons of reading done :3 but for about a month , i won't be seein any of my uni lore people in person ;; it's gonna be weird for sure since i've spent so much time around them recently, but i think in some cases (ie meadow lol) the distance will be good to help me rly evaluate what i'm getting out of that closeness n whether it's worth it.

plus, i'll get to hang out with my friends from here more too !! theres TONS of interesting stuff goin on with them too, so i'm sure there'll b more of that !!

anyway, here's a mini recap of some stuff that's happened since my last entry !!

i had a big night out with a bunch of people !! my first stop was an indie music night with odie and jiji, then after that down to a queer club night where we met meadow and one of their friends !! we also ran into another classmate who we didn't know was even queer, n he ended up joining us for the night :D

i also ran into a bunch more people i know !! specifically winter and (new character time) wave, who i'll add to the masterlist sooon :3

overall it was super fun n they played a bunch of my favorite songs :3 i love gay people <3

remember how i said 'as per jiji's advice i'm gonna try n keep some distance from meadow'? yeah i for sure did not do that. we explored a retail park n saw a movie on one day, did field work in the city another, n kept walking to class together almost every day !! i am ,, so tired !!

honestly, the crush might be beginning to fade, or just shapeshift into a friendship. i'm becoming more n more aware of potential red flags or just reasons i might not personally want to date them.. mainly, we're just really different in terms of personality. compared to when i'm hanging out with jiji and odie, i just mask around meadow a lot more. i overthink a lot, they tease me over my silly cringe interests n traits (of which there are a lot lol) instead of hyping me up , and i know they don't mean anything of it but i'm tired of being constantly reminded of how Different i am from them ,, and by extension from most people.. ok but wait there was last night .......

we went to a candlelight concert !! to any pair of people other than us, it probably would've been super romantic. what a waste of a perfect night, right? but it was still nice. we dressed up extra pretty, the music was nice, we sat right at the back of a beautiful church and listened to basically a classical music concert. i drank mulled wine in the intermission, there were about 20 christmas trees all decorated and themed after different charities and local organisations. crush thoughts aside, it was a really magical experience for what it cost (15 pounds yippee) :3

but , of course , since i knew that if i got home after that i'd have the most miserable yearning-filled night, i helped set up a pizza party with my flatmates (and odie) instead !! so jiji, comet, and our fourth roommate chipi !! i'm surprised i haven't mentioned him yet, at some point he should get a loredump post of his own since there's a lot to unpack with him lol

anyway the pizza party went great , save for the worlds worst phonecall with the pizza place which i foolishly volunteered to have. that pizza place employee in particular encompasses all the reasons i get anxious about phone calls.. yikes!

ok i think that's everything interesting that's happened so far !! here's to hoping i can have a nice relaxing (but still productive !!) month off. well , aside from the 6 giant essays i need to research and write >< but it's fine, i'll cope :,) bye for now !!