#theres only so much empathy i gave find in myself for a shitty person

[ghostlypawn]

i think you directioners may be thinking about yourselves a bit too much

[faerise-fae]

ASPD girlie here.

I've tried telling people from the start that im diagnosed for them to be at least aware. Doesn't end well. I've had some men take it as challenge thinking they can change me and some cool potential friends thinking everything i tell them is a lie or manipulation to get something out of them. But most of the time people just don't take it seriously bc they think I'm trying to be edgy.

Now I only tell about my aspd to people irl when I want our relationship to be more "fair". "Fair" because I still lie and stuff but at least they are have more chances at "beating" me in this game, lmao. Because the thing is I can't take seriously 98% of people around me. They are less than me ofc but they are also fun in the way puppies or kittens are but nothing more. I don't consider them equal to me in any way. I still have relationships with them I find them funny and i want them to like me. I have no fucking idea why but I value the most people who make me laugh.

Rn i have one close friend who knows about this and i try to be honest with her. I lie and then tell her sorry i lied and she just looks at me with such understanding in her eyes. I adore her the most of everyone and that makes her special. Not equal but special. She's my favorite person in the world rn and im kinda obsessed with her. Our relationship started with platonic version of love bombing and idk I just never stopped it. I dont do it because i feel love but because she feels loved that way and i want her to stay. I adore her but again i wouldn't consider her my equal. I think she's naive, that her love life is a fucking catastrophe and that shes dumb. But i still adore her. Not like a kitten but not like a person either. She makes me laugh so much tho!!! And shes so kind and understanding. I like her a lot but I do not respect her.

There was only one person who I consider equal to be and thats because she found out that theres something wrong with me and my empathy. She was the one who gave me an idea to even try and get myself diagnosed. I consider her equal and i still respect her a lot even if we don't talk anymore and she was so fucking awful to me last time we talked. But I understand why she was like this and i respect that too. I

Idk I'm not the most sane person in the room but I'm not this crazy violent joker wannabe with knife in my pocket waiting for people in dark alley. My empathy is not instinct based but more knowledge? I love reading character studies and literature focused on emotion to understand it. I kinda crave it tbh. Don't get me wrong I think of my aspd as a literal blessing. I really really like myself and i wouldn't change a thing. I can't imagine being able to feel full range and intensity of emotion everyone "normal" feel. I'd go insane probably because the stuff i hear from friends and from people in general sound so fucking miserable. I've saved myself the trouble. But I still crave connection and being understood. Which probably is not gonna happen and I can live with it. I just grieve it from time to time.

Idk I'm not good person (even tho my favorite person would argue here because "im good to her so im good person" lmao) and I really dont like when people say that aspd doesn't make you bad person. Maybe you aren't the bitch with aspd/npd thats a bad person but I am. Because I know im a bad person on the inside. I just sometimes choose to act like a good person. And that balances itself out. I know I'm kinda "evil" but my friends think of me as a good friend. I know i dont feel love but my favorite person feels loved by me and thats enough for me. My grandparents absolutely adore me, my dad loves me and my little sister and niece look at me like I'm a god. I worked hard for those relationships and i deserve them and everything that comes with them (money, gifts, compliments and respect). I like being liked and I won't be liked by doing shitty things to others. So I don't. Because that's not the outcome I want.

Thats how it works in my head. Idk if it helped you understand aspd bc I'm kinda a special case. Most aspd bitches have this "hate other people and the world is doomed" thing which I don't. I really like other people, they are funny and amusing af in a positive way. And thats really important to me.

A genuine question for people with ASPD or/and NPD

People with ASPD (antisocial personality disorder) or/and NPD (narcissistic personality disorder), I am genuinely curious about what you believe is the core part of aspd and npd, and how you see the world. How does it feel to have these disorders? How do people treat you? How do you treat people? How can one understand how it must be like for you?

These disorders are VERY stigmatised. Even actual medical journals and sites perpetuate this stigmatisation, and there's this whole thing of "narcissistic abuse" or that all people with antisocial personality disorder are serial killers. I simply refuse to believe this, it's not nuanced enough, and I genuinely seek to understand. And maybe other people may find this thread of posts and also understand.

So people with npd/aspd, add on, explain anything you wish people knew about your disorder.

Coming from a fellow person with a highly stigmatised disorder (schizophrenia) who wishes to understand.

[gold-s0ul-theory]

Untitled

I stared at a blank page for months. I never wanted to write about you, about our past, about everything you put me through, about the person you molded me into. But here I am today. It’s been a year since we dated. It’s been months since I last kissed your lips… and it feels like forever since you last made an effort to know our son. I drank about it, I tried to replace you with someone I used to call my best friend, I stayed high for 2 days on a drug I swore I’d never take again, I cried about, I screamed about it, I smoked about it… But on God, nothing could take this pain I’ve buried deep into my bones.

James always told me I needed to write it out, to talk about it… to see and accept everything for what it really was and is. But that’s been my struggle. I was angry. I was sad. I cried for a month straight. I acted out of spite. It wasnt until a year after all this madness of trying to get over you that I realized I was only hurting myself in the process. I would let you back into my life every single time you’d call me or text me… and you loved that. You loved seeing me hurt, you loved leading me on, you loved making a fool of me, you loved telling people terrible things about me that weren’t true so they would look at me differently, you loved getting my hopes up and telling me that our “family” meant something to you. In other words, everything that brought me down or held me back made you happy.

I know I was young, naive, spiteful, and even stupid during the first 2 years. I am no where near perfect and never was. But I never wanted to hurt you. I might have done things you didn’t approve of, I might have made bad calls and I might have even took actions to purposefully hurt you back.. but I wish you would have understood that I only did those things because there was nothing but pain inside of me at the time. You hurt me so much. When we first met I felt like I was on top of the world… I felt like I could do anything. You took me somewhere nobody ever took me before. You might not have been my first kiss or the person I lost my virginity to… but you we’re definitely my first everything. You taught me things, you lifted me up, you held me when I’d cry and you showed up at the hospital when I tried to kill myself for the first time… So can you imagine how it felt to discover that that the love of my life was sleeping with 3 different girls during the first 7 months of our relationship. Can you imagine how that crushed my soul and turned me into someone else? Yet I still went back. I still accepted you. I still loved you enough to spend everyday on the phone convincing you that we would go far in life together. You broke me in return. You told me I wouldn’t amount to anything.

I’ll never understand why I still love you or why I still believe theres a part of you that still loves me. I was never your first anything. I didn’t have your first baby. I never made you as happy as you made me. I was always the one to walk away first. Now I’m stuck here in the past. I wake up every day to a face that looks exactly like yours… I see all your ways coming out in our baby. The baby that doesn’t know you. The baby you’ll never get to know because you made a selfish decision. And I’m stuck here with all this pain… I still hear your voice, I still dream about you, I still wake up with you on my mind. It took me a year to kiss somebody that wasn’t you and the whole time I was wondering why the fuck it wasn’t you. And my point is, it’s been forever and I still get mad. I still wish you would’ve showed up to my grad and not hers.. I still wish you’d make an effort to know Greyson, I still cry when I see or hear the movies and songs we would listen and watch… I still cry about everything. No, I am not this crazy, obsessed girl that tried to trap you with a baby… I’m just another girl that was nothing to you accept the piece to fill the void in your heart until something new came along.

So I’ll begin the ending here. You took my life away from me. You took my breathe away from me. You even tried to take my son away from me. I’m tired. My heart can’t take anymore. My life wants to continue on and save my energy and time for someone else. And after everything we’ve been through I wish you would call it quits and get tired of this too. Because I’ve been crying over the same damn person since 2013. Because I gave you parts of me I’ve never given anyone else before. And what I’m saying is… I know I hurt you back. And I know it’s taking me longer than you to move on. Maybe it’s because I have the son you never wanted… maybe its because you turned numerous friends of mine against me by manipulating them… maybe it’s because I loved you when you were too busy sleeping around and getting fucked up to love me back, maybe it’s because I gave up my friends for you or because I lost my self respect and dignity when you would leave me and come back whenever you please… But out of everything you fucking put me through I never wanted to lose you. Now its 3 years later and things have changed. It’s 3 years later and I’m sitting on the same hospital bed I sat on when I almost died and all I could think at the time was “is he here yet?”.

Everybody talks about abusive relationships but not how they affect both people and how that shit can stay with the victim for years and years. I never understood why my mother would never let me around the father who gave me up until you left me the way you did. How you can go around using everyone in your life to your own benefit and hurting people will always be beyond me. But I accepted you for everything. You never truly knew what empathy, love or compassion was and I spent everyday showing that to you. I thought about that night we were laying in an empty room on our couch cusion bed. We had a shitty meal that night and you couldn’t afford anything better but I didn’t care because I loved you and accepted you for everything. I accepted the shitty person you were… I accepted that you didn’t like my friends, I accepted all those nights I went to bed hungry, I accepted all those nights I fell asleep not knowing where you were or if you were okay or not. I accepted that you had a daughter you didn’t take care of, hell I even accepted the fact that you would threaten to kill yourself everytime you made me feel so worthless that i wanted to leave. I accepted it all just to find you were never truly the person you made yourself out to be. I accepted you when you went to jail for beating your bestfriend with a brick. I accepted you when I’d find messages from other girls in your phone, I accepted you when you would lie about being sick and having mental disorders... fuck I even accepted you when you told me you wished your daughter was dead… Now I stay awake for hours on end caring for the son you didn't want while you’re sleeping soundly next to her. You probably think the whole point of this letter is to bash you… to tarnish your name and reputation but the truth is… you do that on your own when you continue living the way you do. This letter is for me. This letter is grief, anger, sadness, and recovery all in one.

I know you’re destructive and I am too. I know you’re selfish and I am too… I know you’re hurting and I am too…and I think we always knew we weren’t going to last. But to leave me the way you did and to move on that quickly… I almost felt as though it was unforgiveable when I found out you were dating the “little girl” you always told me not to worry about less than a month after you kissed my lips and told me you wanted Greyson in your life. But that’s the thing about theunforgiveable… you eventually learn that regardless of what you went through, that forgiveness is everything. I forgive you Forrest Scott. I forgive you for everything because at this point in my life, I just want more than anything to spend a long and happy life with our son. So just as James had suggested… I wrote this letter in honour of you. I wrote this letter as the final step to moving on because this journey has been one of the hardest things on Earth. I know you’ll never see this and even if you did, you would never understand what it’s like to be in a relationship with a sociopath because you are one. I only wish you would forgive me too so we can move on with our lives. I can try love, but I’m never gonna forget you. You clearly haven’t forgotten about me either, and we can only hope one day it won’t be like this anymore… and wait for that day.

sincerely,

“the love of your life”

and the mother of your son