#theres like. probably a lot I've missed but I'll make another one if I get insane again

[pillowenvelopchair]

Hey guys!! this is just my insane ramble on Still Waters Run Deep that's made by the lovely @un-local. I've had so so sooooo many thoughts about this fic and I decided to try and put it all coherently in a post :)

Probably not a lot of new insights, just many, many rambles

Magdalene analysis and her view on Rogier + some other stuff

Magdalene, at the start of the story, is aimless and refuses to follow any line of Grace, putting off whatever it leads to and going in the opposite direction. Yet Grace is fickle, and it all eventually converges, so she gives in. (aaaand a life-changing partnership ensues)

She wants out of the competition of becoming Elden Lord, and she wants nothing to do with it. Someone else to take lordship is what she wants. Magdalene, in her eyes, is not worthy to take the throne. But Rogier on the other hand…

Rogier is, quite literally, built different. He thinks differently compared to Magdalene (a STR vs INT user difference lol). He’s able to pick out all the details that she would miss. Be able to extrapolate and examine it all and be able to learn from it. Magdalene can't do that.

It's basically:

Rogier: says some fun facts about the most random thing in the room, saying all the history behind it, and what the tiny details could mean Magdalene: yeah, that's a rock.

So instead, she becomes a tool for Rogier to be able to use, because that's the least she can do for him.

“She can already feel the faint grin forming on her lips at the thought. She never wanted to be Elden Lord. She’d finally picked up and followed grace to... to get away, with no idea what it called her to do. When Melina told her where it led her, she felt only dread. But Rogier... To save Those Who Live in Death... Two birds, one stone. She meets his eyes, and doesn’t look away. In them, she doesn’t see pride, or avarice. She doesn't see a man who wants to rule the world. Not at all. The path forward is clear now.” -Chapter 22

For once, she really sees a light from the dark future she sees. She's hopeful that she won't have to take the throne, that Rogier can burden it instead of her. He's worthy in her eyes and because of that, she devotes herself to him with all she can do. (Ah but… I believe Rogier wants her to be Elden Lord? Not sure but her not wanting to be Elden Lord doesn’t quite fit with what he has planned)

Magdalene really holds onto Rogier, and his guidance (a comfort wizard, if you will). And so the idea that he won’t make it… that she’ll be left alone with Grace again, forced to join back into the competition for lordship... It's sickening to her. So she really clings to him, desperate to not be left alone with a destiny that she despises.

Magdalene is always pulled into different directions. Grace pulls her to one but she pulls herself to the opposite one. Fia and D are both on extreme sides of the spectrum on Rogier's survival, and Magdalene is caught right in the middle of it.

But for her, Rogier will survive, he has to survive otherwise... that light, that small hope she has will all fade into obscurity.

Ghosts from the past (Lorens and Ida)

I absolutely love how something, or rather, someone haunts both of them.

Lorens had been the catalyst of all of what Rogier does now. Why he’s so desperate to save those who live in death. He's literally devoted his body and mind to Lorens just to see him alive (maybe Rogier's devoting all of himself to finding a solution to death because he wants it to come back to the old times when it was just him and Lorens in the Rise, or maybe not!! I'm just rambling lol).

Every thought of Lorens is painted with a sort of bittersweetness to it. From Rogier's perspective, at the very least (I'm super curious as to how Lorens would view Rogier but we'll probably never get it because... you know...). He's almost obsessed with him, and it's all pretty unhealthy lol.

Magdalene, who’s haunted by Ida who's probably a sort of lover that hadn't been fully brought to fruition. Different opinions on what they have had made Magdalene leave with (from what I have seen at least, we have scrapes of her, people! I can't wait to see more of Ida though)

Now with Ida... Magdalene absolutely shakes herself out of every thought she has about Ida. Spurning every single thought or imagination she has of that woman.

"Nausea comes in waves. Fever. She can feel delirium taking her—she’s convinced she’s submerged in the very waters of creation, for a while. She vividly feels herself sinking deeper and deeper into a current; cold and dark and inescapable. As it pulls her down, she’s overcome with the instinct to breathe it in— Against her temple she feels a hand, with gentle fingers dragging softly through her hair. Suddenly, every layer of the dream collapses in on itself, and she jolts awake with a gasp.  Here, in Liurnia, she hauls herself up, rubbing at her face. Even the memory is a shock of cold water to her. She’s a woman haunted." -Chapter 23

(I just really love this part- I can't help it)

I think it's also really interesting how Magdalene leaves Ida due to their differences in what they have (?) while Rogier just absolutely hangs onto Lorens no matter what, despite him being... er... him. Not so sure about his personality with the small flashbacks we get of him but he’s probably not good for Rogier.

In short, Rogier venerates Lorens, while Magdalene absolutely rejects Ida. (Opposites!)

Rogier’s overthinking

Also found it interesting that when Rogier thinks he really thinks. He's a professional overthinker, even in the past

"He thinks of the labyrinthian etiquette, the way he’d triple-check every sentence for a double meaning. The secrets, the ruthless political schemes. It all felt like a spider’s web to him. He’d learned the game, and he played it well, but it had been nothing but paranoia and misery for him. Just like it was for everyone else." -Chapter 17

It's what's kept him alive (Ch. 17), and what's been able to pave the way for his findings Yet, it’s also his curse. He tries to pick out every detail that he can and think of every possible reason or motivation. Every single outcome he just needs to know so that he won't get caught by surprise again. He needs to be in control of the situation, he needs to be the master of the chessboard.

Oh and once this guy spirals, he really spirals. He starts thinking and looking at details, rewinding every single thing, every interaction, and trying to label a reason for every little thing. Yet... something emotional seems to break the surface of the water.

I personally think that he was raised to overthink. He was a noble after all, and he dealt with politics. He truly needed to check, double check, triple check, every single sentence and word in case it would have a double meaning. "He’d learned the game, and he played it well" (Ch. 17) . Getting worse after Lorens' death, being fooled by "Only a cut." (Ch. 25) and seeing the aftermath of it.

He can't not do it because if he doesn't, and he gets surprised it would break him (or at the very least, freak him out).

ALSO!! Rogier hating on "saccharine conversations" (Ch. 17) good lord. This guy cannot be real with anyone. Rogier refuses to show vulnerability because:

1. He was raised like that (the whole attachment theory thing) 2. He will absolutely break if he does

Do you guys remember when Fia tells Magdalene that "dear Rogier began to weep as he spoke" (Ch.14)? Fia saw through Rogier's walls through the cracks and he just absolutely breaks down. (Get yourself a man who, after "embracing" tells you all about this thing he's obsessed about and then cries because of it)

It's a mortifying ordeal, that someone's able to see through the walls you've meticulously put up. It hits something deep within that he’s tried to bury.

Despite the walls he puts up people other than Fia see through them. Magdalene (Ch.7) was able to see through the small cracks that have broken, and Roderika... hoo she really hit a nerve didn’t she? (But it also hit one of her nerves too, Rogier vs Roderika am I right?)

Chapter 17 analysis

Also, while we’re on the topic of Roderika, let's talk about chapter 17! Seems I have a lot to talk about.

I absolutely love this chapter so much, it gives us so much insight into Rogier's backstory and the way he thinks. His noble background really shines through here, with how he acts with Roderika who is a fellow ex-noble too.

"His grin is wide and carefree, but it rather feels like he's baring his teeth.  There’s no room for your pity here." -Chapter 17

This guy cannot accept any sign of sympathy/compassion with anyone. It's all pity to him, and he absolutely hates pity. Once Roderika starts to console him too it sickens him and it makes him bare his teeth like an animal, his baser instinct showing just a little bit.

He’s probably bore his teeth to other nobles in the court, or whatever meetings they have with one another. Small threats that get the message across by a vicious smile, is something he is all too familiar with.

I also think that it's a little bit funny how he gives advice to Roderika but then is also a little bit of a hypocrite about it

“It’s hard, to leave it behind. But the old world will keep its claws in you, if you let it.” -Chapter 17

Rogier while it's not his past life that he's stuck but rather, he is stuck on Lorens. Even though Rogier is no longer Lorens' student, even though Lorens is dead, he still has his claws on Rogier. It's his entire motivation, why he's in a "pathetic" state now. He isn't letting those claws go, he lets them dig deeper within him, and they dig in deep.

“You already have it within you," he says. "They were only trying to bury it.” -Chapter 17

Rogier immediately buries his own emotions in this interaction when Roderika tries to console him lol. Just based off of him being an ex-noble and his whole family thing, it's well established that he is very much used to burying it all down his gullet. I mean, is it really Rogier without emotional suppression?

Also Rogier tends to close off all the matters that relate to what he feels in his dialogue both in game and in SWRD. This guy cannot let out just a slight moment of vulnerability

A Color Theory Thing on my read on Rogier's garb:

Rogier, with his background being grounded in nobility has suppressed his baser desires in exchange for meaningless political schemes that have only brought him misery. Yet after coming to these lands, he finds himself with Lorens.

He wears a Raya Lucarian Robe and it has red on it. It's a sign of baser instincts being shown for once. He has grown an infatuation with Lorens despite being his student.

Yet, Rogier is still mostly blue, and he still suppresses that baser desire that he’s developed, that infatuation for Lorens. He never once builds up the courage to be able to tell Lorens what he feels. He would always bury those feelings down, and as a result he can't let go of it. It's far too deep to be buried back up.

But once Lorens has died, Rogier changes too.

He exchanges those garbs for yellow and turquoise (I think?). He's a mix of colors and beliefs.

He still has the blue in the turquoise, which symbolizes calm, intelligence, and emotional control (you can’t spell Rogier without emotional control) But turquoise isn't just blue, it also has green.

Green represents growth, life, and new beginnings. This is a new beginning for Rogier, who's set out for a new goal, to be able to save those who live in death (and perhaps give them life? Not so sure on that but in SWRD that seems to be the case with Lorens).

It's balanced by yellow. Creativity and originality, he's almost the only person we meet who wants to save TWLID. Not only that but yellow also symbolizes illness, which could be a foreshadowing of what happens to him later in his life.

It's not just sickness though, yellow also symbolizes deception. Rogier lies, but I necessarily think he's someone who is always deceptive. He's more like the type of guy who would lie so that an encounter would go well or not hurt someone else's feelings. I think he's like that from that whole ex-nobility thing he's got going on. Political schemes and lying through a smile is something that he's familiar with. (It also doesn't help that he keeps being emotionally suppressed too lol)

Cowardice is another. Rogier is scared to tell anyone about his emotions, to take that risk of being honest with someone. His background in nobility and his family definitely doesn't help either.

Rogier had been too scared to be true to Lorens and tell him his feelings, and because of that, he would never be able to. I feel like he's avoided it even more afterward. He refuses to take that jump of being honest with someone, whether it's about his emotions or his ideals, he doesn't let them go.

But when he does? With D, it completely breaks off everything they've had. Everything that they could have been.

"Beguiled fool. A rotten, sick bastard. Fouled by them. A wicked, two-faced user. Heartless. Loathsome parasite. How could he? Were they not supposed to set this crooked world straight? Profane. A perversion of honor. A madman." -Chapter 5

“Get out of my sight.” “I’m sorry.” He’d said, and he was. But Darian’s lips curled back, and he jerked his head away and locked his eyes on the horizon. His jaw twitched, in the moment he took to reply.  “Don’t talk to me.” There was nothing he could do to fix this. To undo his mistakes, to spare Darian his intentions." -Chapter 5

It's all gone because he had been honest about his goals (presumably). This experience probably strengthened that emotional suppression so as to not be hurt/caught by surprise.

So when Magdalene, someone who wholeheartedly accepts his ideals and sees his side for once, he's cautious. He can't believe that someone can genuinely agree with him because all the times that he has been honest, he's been punished for it. (though, he reminds himself that she's not like that)

In short, this guy's a mixed bag. A mixed bag with problems

(basing this off of the Elden Ring color theory video, it was an absolute joy to watch)

[EDIT]: idk what to call this section but he seems to seek out some form of approval. Lets see how that ties in with his grief!

"He still doesn’t understand why. What did he do, specifically? Or was he just past his usefulness? Deemed unfit to rule? He never truly wanted to rule as Lord, but to be cast aside so indifferently—it had shaken him.  Every now and then he fumbles with this, again and again, but he knows. He does. He knows that grace has forsaken him for good reason. He’s a heretic. An apostate. He who does not obediently bow before a faltering, decrepit Order, so ill-equipped to handle the world as it is. " -Chapter 5

"All these years. Couldn’t change a thing. Rather pathetic, I’d say—what a fool, thinking that this crooked world could be made right by mortal hands. Sure, deathblight. Truly, a fitting end for a worthless, rotten bastard." -Chapter 12

Now, speaking from some personal experience, being raised in a family that's of nobility and expects so much out of you from a young age definitely breeds some kind of self-worth issues that really stick with you. Especially if you haven't had anyone to truly support you.

Because of that, I believe that Rogier, in a way, is trying to prove his worth. But not to the Order, I think that he's in some way trying to please Lorens. Even in death.

He puts everything into his studies of Death, searching and scouring for scraps of information just to give him a single lead on anything, and for what?

"Its fulfillment will be a selfish act of altruism. These crooked lands will set right, by his hands, for a reward of nothing at all. But make no mistake: he needs another day. And another after that, and another after that. He needs his questions answered with questions, he needs his notes corrected in an unreadable hand, he needs to hear one more “Well—” followed by the most opaque, convoluted tangle of sentences ever constructed. There’s no reward he seeks, but the warm smile of cold gray eyes and a scoff about just what he’s wearing nowadays. " -Chapter 19

Rogier devotes himself to saving TWLID (saving Lorens, in reality), but it's not because it's all for selfless reasons, he seems to want things to go back to the way things used to be. Back at the Rise, with just him and Lorens once more.

I don't think Rogier ever accepted Lorens' death. He's determined to bring back Lorens, desperately trying to find a solution to bring him back no matter what.

And it’s quite hypocritical isnt it? That Rogier wants to change the Order to be able to sort of… revive Lorens from Death. To go back to the old times that they both had had.

This guy refuses to grieve and is searching (desperately) for a solution for a dead man who's probably not even good for him. Get this man some therapy

This entire post's summary is just me going:

Anyway, that's all for my crazy rambles! I can't wait to see how SWRD will progress, and how everyone will intermingle and grow with one another (Rogier and Mags)!!!! :0)

Have some doodles + a WIP that I'll probably never finish as a treat for reading this! (Mag's torso was wayyy too long on the second one oops)

(bonus boggart because I love him)

[coconox]

whb QoLs that i would like to see

boredom post lol, just dumping my thoughts into the void of what id like to see be added in whb but probably will never happen 🫠

1. separation of character and artifact banners

pretty self-explanatory. w the roster being huge and it only increasing from here there needs to be a distinction btwn characters and artifacts. im sure many ppl atp have gotten tired of the false hope they get when they get the gold glow from one of the kings at the beginning only to find out that its just one of his sig 💀💀

1.1 for patches w 2 l-rank debuts, have the selector work even before you hit pity

i get having the selector for if you reach hard pity, but its a bit greedy for it to apply only when you wasted so many seals (esp when f2ps dont get as much seals as they should). i would like the chance of knowing im guaranteed that char from the beginning even when i get the char early

1.2 if there exists an artifact banner, let there be a selector for which one you want to pull for

same logic as prev points. the rosters getting huge and ideally id like to have smth guaranteed for when i do my pulls

2. update characters' skill descriptions to be more specific

theres too many "[dmg/healing] is proportional to [some stat]." i want to see what that actual proportion is, like "dmg is proportional to x% of stat" where x is some number. or in skill menus theres "increase passive effect" like just tell me what youre specifically increasing in the passive !!!! i shouldnt need to actually lvl the passive to figure out whats changing, it should be stated from the get-go

3. have someone at the very least proofread the text

now i've seen my fair share of typos in games, hell, i literally play one where they couldnt even spell their own game name properly during the earlier yrs of its release lol *cough pgr cough*, but for the most part theyve resolved that issue and simple typos are easily spotted and fixed, but ive never seen there be this many typos or language switches mid-sentence. literally just 1 thorough proofread couldve easily solved most of these grammatical issues.

4. better optimization

im sorry but this is getting to like hoyo lvls of optimization w the fact that whb, which just hit half anni a month ago, is getting close to the amnt of storage an almost 3 yr old game has is wild to me (completely disregarding the fact that pgr has 3d models, l2d cgs, etc). imo, the amnt of storage whb holds should be around or even lower than what neural cloud has (which mind you, also has 3d models and l2d art 😭😭)

incoming very weird comparison but vanilla minecraft, a game that gets regularly updated, both on pc and pe take less than 1 gb

literally improving the optimization would make the game more accessible i.e. get more players to play since it wont take up a lot of storage !!! as someone who used to have 64gb or less on my phone, i could barely play any games on it bc nowadays they unnecessarily take up so much storage

5. add more daily/weekly tasks

keep the 9 daily requirements and 32 weekly requirements the same, just give more tasks for each so that we arent strictly set on doing specific ones. id like to see more stuff like "battle any stage x amnt of times" (emphasis on any, not a specific stage) or "interact w the lobby character at least once," just really anything that doesnt involve investing in a character or artifact. i feel like im wasting resources from lvling chars i dont wanna lvl, + we dont get enough tears per week to properly invest in so many characters at once.

giving more breathing room to hit the 9 and 32 achievements would put less stress on me cause then i'll know that if i cant complete one task, i can just do another and still be able to get all the rewards obtained for the week. im sure a fair share of ppl atp have missed out on getting all the weekly rewards bc they accidentally missed 1 daily task which is painful

5.1. get rid of the lvling artifacts weekly requirement and lvling characters requirement

briefly mentioned it prev but wanted to make its own section. its useless, especially when i ald have the artifacts that i need lvled up. its a dumb requirement that makes me waste mats and pulls just so i could lvl some artifacts properly.

6. get rid of the rng boxes and make them selectors

5.2 increase the daily/weekly rewards

dailies (w pancake shop): 9 tears, 7 key boxes (rng)

weeklies: 4 tears, 5 red keys, 2 yellow keys, 50 seals

i dont think i need to explain much here thats like scraping the bottom of a barrel for important mats/gacha currency

they suck. i do not want resources to be gacha too

7. make all shops cheaper

self-explanatory. everything is too expensive (esp in red gems shop) and therefore is borderline inaccessible unless if you hoard mats or 💳

7.1 add the ability to convert red gems to seals

red gems have very little use now ever since seals were introduced. id like them to have some important use if we keep getting a certain amnt of them every week. we can covert them to red/yellow keys, so by that logic we should also be able to convert them to seals too

8. get rid of uncommon/useless currencies

pretzels, artifact enhancement stones, and blue guilty gems are the 3 that come to mind. ik pretzels were originally supposed to be from the friends system, but that was removed a bit after launch and still hasnt showed up despite pb promising itd be launched around this time. aside from that the other 2 serve little to no use, as artifact stones dont lvl up the artifact all that much and blue gems died when seals became a thing

9. auto-clear for story stages

i mean that after getting a perfect clear on a stage, then have auto-clear be an option. since candy boxes are farmable through story, i end up falling asleep or getting bored of having to sit through fighting the same stage like 20+ times a day. this is honestly one of the more nit picky ones in this list lol, i just play the stages in the bg while i do other stuff but ideally id like to get stuff done asap

10. make lvling characters cheaper

we only get 13 tears a week from dailies + weeklies + pancake shop. assuming you start from scratch and want to get to char lvl70, it takes 3 weeks to get there without the help from other shops. thats almost a month for 1 character, it shouldnt take that long to invest in someone (it also shouldnt be that expensive 💀)

if we're getting such low numbers of essential materials per week, decrease the character lvl prices to reflect that. or alternatively, increase the number of mats we get per week to easily lvl characters

10.1 increase the character lvl cap to 100

40 tears for one level is not worth it, having the cap be 100 would make it feel like its worth it (not really tbh, its still real expensive when lvl70 provides more than enough to clear all content 💀)

10.2 add a resource stage for pies

getting pies only through shop (rng boxes btw) and events isnt enough to compensate for how much skill lvls cost. either decrease the skill lvl prices or increase the pie income to balance it out

11. have the ability to backread txt msgs before choosing a reply

self-explanatory. the game doesnt allow you to backread before choosing a reply which sucks :/

as someone who usually cant process txt after reading it once i kinda just sit at the replies like :/ girl i forgor what he just said and i cant go back and read so i'll just leave and re-enter the chatroom again ig

12. have the game automatically lock l-rank artifacts as soon as you get them

ik theres a lock feature, but you need to lock all artifacts manually. id rather the game lock l-rank artifacts for me once i get them so that i dont accidentally recycle them when cleaning out my inventory and then i manually unlock them later if i want to

13. give seals, keys, or just any sort of general gacha currency as compensation rewards

receiving only ap feels like a slap to the face, and seals/any other currency would only be given out if there was smth that was severely (and i mean very severely) hindering everyones gameplay. the ap given isnt even that much either which is like rubbing salt in the wound

14. decrease ap requirement in stages

considering stages can go up to 32ap as a req (given this is only seen in events, the usual hovers around 25 but my point still stands), you cant really do all that much if the cap hovers around 250 (give or take, i havent seen anyone w 300ap yet so 250 im considering is the avg rn for endgame players). w each stage at highest difficulty being 25-30+ap, we essentially only play like 10 stages max before needing to wait.

1 solution ppl would have in mind is to just buy the 300ap from red gems shop or buy more ap from selecting the ap counter directly to get more for the day, but i want smth thats more accessible. i shouldnt need to pay w some currency to get literally the bare necessity of being able to play this game.

i think keeping all stages at 15ap is perfect, hell, even 20 would also work since w 250ap you can get more than 10 runs in one session

15. make the battles less reliant on needing certain l-ranks

this is just smth ive noticed when testing out stages w other chars or just playing realm of seraphim lol, but theres a huge imbalance w l-ranks vs s and a+-ranks. theres also a huge imbalance when it comes to the classes too (i'll get to that in a bit)

take beel's camp for example, there is no one in beels camp that can essentially mimic or closely mimic what beel does kit-wise (dmg ik will be different cause lower ranking and all). imo, the go-to non-l-rank alternative for beel isnt even from his camp, its from belphegors !!!! (if you didnt catch on im talking abt andrealphus lol)

or take mammon for example, no one in his camp (as of making this post) deals dmg on ult, they only either shield themselves or take the hit for ppl on the team, which tends to do more harm than good.

element-wise, take juno for example. juno being an l-rank fire unit significantly changed how fire team worked, i.e., you can actually use that team to clear most story content now (minus water enemies lol). that should probably put into perspective of 1. how l-ranks are a bit too important in this game and 2. how unbalanced light as an element is compared to every other element

15.1 give us more tanks and healers

i need yall to see how crazy our current roster is

(dont mind the title of the table lol its from the spreadsheet, also for reference if ppl see this in the future this is pre-lucifer (victory))

why do we have so many close-rangers??? so many marksman????

we have such little supports (tanks + healers) that it makes me fully convinced the gameplay pb wants to achieve is full on dps and not yk a well-balanced team w dps AND support. dont get me wrong if players want to full on dps that is totally fine by me, the issue im having is that the devs appear to want a full on dps team, completely ignoring the idea of how to properly balance a game where they also introduce supports. of course there are marksman/close-rangers that can support i.e. buff the team (juno, dantalian, ronové, phenix, the list of examples goes on), but im specifically talking abt the classes in general. for the most part, marksman and close-rangers are usually dps while tanks and healers are usually support.

if youre gonna introduce supports in this game, 1. have more than just 1 tank unit for each non-light element, 2. make the healing be higher than 1% of a char's hp, 3. have an equal amnt of tanks and healers as close-rangers and marksman.

the fact that if you dont have mammon as your designated tank or lucifer as your designated healer, youre essentially screwed over is wild to me. their camps' s/a+-ranks should be able to hold just as well without their kings. satans camp is the perfect example of that. chars like minhyeok (who is quite literally mini satan kit-wise lmao), gabriel, leraye, nostalgia leraye, hell even ppyong (the a+-rank ver, not juno lol) are all perfect alternatives for if you dont have satan and that is amazing. we currently dont have that for supports and i genuinely hope thatll change in the future

—

this game is very, VERY far from being at least somewhat balanced in my eyes. i really do wish for the best w this game but man as someone who loves to dissect gameplay down to the numbers, seeing all this gets real frustrating for me from time to time.

anyw thats all for now– this was a bit of a rant more than anything lol

[hms-no-fun]

Currently struggling a lot with getting very excited about a project, writing a lot, editing that writing until it's way more polished than what I can come up with off the cuff, and then being too intimidated to add to the document anymore since the previous good writing still gives off this looming intimidation if that makes sense? The more I write the greater the fear is I'll crash the story into a ditch that reveals the premise can't work. have you had that "its not all coming together shit theres a snag thats really important that i missed" moment? I realize it's pretty inevitable for that to happen, but whenever I write myself out of a moment like that I always second guess that I'm still overlooking something important or taking the easy way out. I know it's probably just all about pushing through but I worry that by pushing im just further diluting the original spirit of the project? Sorry for the all over the place ask, hope you have a good day :3

this is always a tough situation to navigate as a writer. happens to me often, and it has taken me a very long time to come even remotely close to being able to deal with it productively. believe it or not, i actually have quite a lot to say about this, so prepare for that below the break.

first of all, no, it's absolutely NOT all about pushing through. i find "pushing through" can just as often make the problem worse. keep in mind that i can only speak to my own experience and process, so any advice i might give here should only be taken insofar as you personally find it useful.

this is a form of writer's block. there are many different types of blocks, each with their own causes and hypothetical treatments. a big part of becoming A Writer as such is learning the difference between them, and developing methods for dealing with them on a case by case basis that don't involve substance abuse. don't do cocaine. that's step one.

most of my blocks are in the vein you describe. i'll be writing a scene that feels good, until i cross a threshold somewhere and suddenly the whole thing feels dead in the water. the first thing i do when this happens is stop writing. it's hard to stop when you're on a roll, i know. life is short and it's hard enough to write even on a good day, but sometimes you can just tell that you're on the wrong track and at that point you're probably not gonna be able to write your way back on.

once stopped, i check the basics. have i eaten recently? am i hydrated? have i taken my medications? these are rarely my problem (i keep a big water bottle with me at all times and my gf makes sure i'm fed), though you never know how useful a snack break can be. most of the time if the problem isn't with the text, it's that i've been writing for too fucking long and i need to clock out. learning to clock out is SO hard. but as i've been getting into the habit these last couple months, while i generally write less per day i ultimately end up writing more over time. i can feel my brain cooking when i've been writing too long. it's a muscle like anything else. if you did a bunch of overtime shifts at a more physical job, you'd need time to recover too. your body isn't a machine, your brain isn't a computer, and living things are inconsistent. it sucks but you'll have a better time all around when you learn to work with your body instead of against it.

another question is, have i showered recently? i find showers tedious and boring. also i still have depression even though my life is a lot better than it used to be. i lived on my own for a very long time as a deeply closeted self-hating trans woman, so my hygiene habits are not always up to sniff. as much as i hate to admit it, showers help. i can't tell you how many times i've sat at a godfeels chapter or video script and just felt fucking miserable, only to come back forty minutes later from a shower, full of creative energy. i despise self-help shit. just not a fan of the culture of positive attitude wellness check stuff because you can't self examine your way out of your class position. sometimes the problem is that you're broke. sometimes life fucking sucks and you just don't have the art in you, and that's okay. there's a common misconception that if something bad happens to you, at least you can make an art to get through it. but in my experience it's actually a lot harder to make art about bad times when you're still in them. most of the time it takes months if not years of safety and recovery before you can really face it head on artistically. so like, be nice to yourself. it's not your fault that you live in a society.

but also sometimes literally you just need a shower or to eat some leftovers or to go to fucking bed. i hate it every time that is true because i want my problems to be real and philosophical and not just some dumb body thing that happens to everyone. alas, no one can escape the quotidian obligations of simple mortality.

THAT SAID! this stuff isn't usually my problem, and often i find that what's solving the problem when i do step away to eat/drink/shower isn't even the specific activity, but the act of stepping away at all. getting my mind off it for a sec. when i hit a block that doesn't feel completely insurmountable, i like to back away from my computer and pace around a bit. then i'll stare at my big whiteboard with a marker in hand and just let my mind wander. i don't even write anything half the time! but the mere act of trying to compartmentalize the problem into something brief enough for shorthand helps me spot the pain points.

one of my favorite books is Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, which despite what you might assume from its title is NOT a self-help book but instead a work of philosophy from 1974 taking the form of a travelogue. what Robert Pirsig explores in this book is what he calls the Metaphysics of Quality. basically he's trying to understand the split-second judgments we make of things we like and things we don't. i absolutely do not have time to go into the specifics, just know that his Quality refers to the abstract certainty you have when something is Good or Right or Correct or Qualitatively True. like how you pull your hand away unconsciously when you touch a hot stove, but for ideas. you just Know.

a scene that really sticks with me from that book (probably the most famous scene) is when Pirsig describes needing to fix a mechanical problem with his motorcycle only to be stopped dead in his tracks by a stripped screw keeping him from removing the engine cover. he talks about being so focused on the obvious solution to the primary complex problem that, on encountering a smaller, simpler problem that has to be dealt with first, he finds himself completely stuck, calling this "a zero of consciousness." it's a problem so annoying and minuscule and stubbornly unsolvable that you just want to hit the thing with a wrench and throw it in a river. addressing this new problem, this block, requires an adjustment in thinking. and here i'm going to quote a pretty lengthy passage, but don't worry, i'm typing it out by hand with the book in front of me so there's no time saved on my end:

Consider, for a change, that this is a moment to be not feared but cultivated. If your mind is truly, profoundly stuck, then you may be much better off than when it was loaded with ideas. The solution to the problem often at first seems unimportant or undesirable, but the state of stuckness allows it, in time, to assume its true importance. It seemed small because your previous rigid evaluation which led to the stuckness made it small. But now consider the fact that no matter how hard you try to hang on to it, this stuckness is bound to disappear. Your mind will naturally and freely move toward a solution. Unless you are a real master at staying stuck you can't prevent this. The fear of stuckness is needless because the longer you stay stuck the more you see the Quality-reality that gets you unstuck every time. What's really been getting you stuck is the running from the stuckness [. . .] Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors. It's this understanding of Quality as revealed by stuckness which so often makes self-taught mechanics so superior to institute-trained men who have learned how to handle everything except a new situation. Normally screws are so cheap and small and simple you think of them as unimportant. But now, as your Quality awareness becomes stronger, you realize that this one, individual, particular screw is neither cheap nor small nor unimportant. Right now this screw is worth exactly the selling price of the whole motorcycle, because the motorcycle is actually valueless until you get the screw out. With this re-evaluation of the screw comes a willingness to expand your knowledge of it. [. . .] What your actual solution is is unimportant as long as it has Quality. Thoughts about the screw as combined rigidness and adhesiveness and about its special helical interlock might lead naturally to solutions of impaction and use of solvents. That is one kind of Quality track. Another track may be to go to the library and look through a catalog of mechanic's tools, in which you might come across a screw extractor that would do the job. Or to call a friend who knows something about mechanical work. Or just to drill the screw out, or just burn it out with a torch. Or you might just, as a result of your meditative attention to the screw, come up with some new way of extracting it that has never been thought of before that beats all the rest and is patentable and makes you a millionaire five years from now. There's no predicting what's on that Quality track. The solutions all are simple-- after you have arrived at them. But they're simple only when you know already what they are.

this is, in brief, my entire creative philosophy when it comes to writer's block. i share such a lengthy passage because i think it's useful to underline that we're not talking about a problem that is necessarily unique to the labor of writing. this process is a human process. it's just that with writing, the nature of the block itself is often much more difficult to identify than a stripped screw.

there's a couple things i do to try to identify what's got me stuck. a lot of times what happens is that everything in a scene felt good until it didn't, and then everything after that moment fell flat. so i'll go back and read the whole thing and just try to feel the scene. is everyone in character? is their dialogue too quippy, or too aggressive, too expository? are we in the midst of a conversation that has simply gone on way too fucking long? i know it can be torturous to reread your own stuff but idk what else to say except get used to it. especially when you're still early in the drafting phase! like if you know you're not gonna release this thing imminently, there's no reason to be precious about the stuff that's good or to beat yourself up over the stuff that's bad. i know that compulsion to try to Get Everything Right The First Time is strong, but it's completely unsustainable.

sometimes the block is that i just don't feel like writing narration. i've always sucked at grounding a scene with descriptions of the place. lately i'm trying to get away from relying solely on descriptions of staging/blocking, but it's hard for a bitch like me who mostly prefers writing dialogue. i've gotten a lot more comfortable with putting notes between dialogue exchanges like [character moves, looks at picture, has a dramatic thought, other character fiddles with object]. it can feel like cheating sometimes but it's not. there's no such thing. no one will know the route you took to get to the end. they will only see what you show them, when you decide to show it to them.

sometimes the block is in some minor or major betrayal of the story's spirit. the (Terezi) & Jade scene i talked about in this ask is a good example. i hit a point where nothing was working anymore. no one would talk to me. the light was gone. i can always tell when i made the wrong choice. it's such a particular sensation. as though i'm walking and i realize i no longer recognize the road i'm on and must've made a wrong turn somewhere. the solution to this particular block is introspection, retracing my steps, because the wrong turn isn't always obvious. maybe it's that someone in the scene is being too mean, or that i've failed to accomplish what the scene exists to do in some way, or that someone's made an uncharacteristic choice that now everyone in the scene is arguing about and it's like, man, this is taking too long, i'm not enjoying this anymore.

another example from A1 is the second half of the solo. i'd had most of the jasprose scene, the karkat-calliope-roxy scenes, and the vrisrezi-jade scenes written since i posted the A1 chorus. where i ran into trouble was that i needed to get jane, jake, and (terezi) to show up. my original plan was to have them arrive one by one, thus allowing their individual dramas a moment in the spotlight before being subsumed into the group. not a bad idea in theory but in practice it was fucking tedious. here we have a bunch of characters already immersed in the scene captured by the intrigue of Jade being enigmatic, and then some unawares jagoff wanders in and suddenly everyone has to stop what they're doing and be like "hey hello how are you what's up" and then they explain how they got there and then they ask what's up and it's such a DRAG. honestly i would say the majority of my creative blocks by volume are moments when the story really wants me to just cut to black for a smoke break and come back when somebody gets mad enough to throw a punch. i mean that's the the development of A1 in a nutshell. originally everyone was gonna start the track locked up in space-jail on the hopebringer, jade would show up all apologetic and say what she expects padua's deliberation to be, then the whole cast would see her throw a fit over a decision she knew was coming, they'd all be absolved of guilt and let free, then they'd all argue about who's staying or going with Jade in the morning, they'd split up to go pack their stuff and then...

well that was exactly the problem. i wanted to get all the pertinent things out of the way. jade's code switching, voidthought, some EWL teases. give the whole cast a chance to react to it. i thought that would be expedient, because it got the Plot out of the way and gave time to characters for Feelings. if that version of the scene had come at the end of chapter 8, it might have worked. but i realized that as soon as jade's audience was no longer captive, i had no fucking clue what to do with them anymore. we already knew who would go with jade, so acting like that's some kind of mystery is just lame. i started writing A1 from a place of desiring informational density & a quick pace, because we've got places to go and things to do. but if the real purpose of A1 is to explore why these characters choose to go with Jade, then that needed to be done with a lot more care and precision. that's when i decided to let Jade spend two days underground making the earth right again, so that she has to come to everyone individually rather than the other way around. and it muddies her motivations, if you don't mind the pun. it puts her at an appropriate remove from the others. i ultimately wound up conveying all the same information as in the original version, but i did it in a way that was more appropriate thematically and artistically. it wound up being longer road than i anticipated, but this is a long story and in this case the longer road was better for the journey.

take the chapter where Jade visits Roxy. i needed some time with Roxy alone to set the scene, since she's the first person Jade decides to visit and i like writing about the insides of trailer homes. i wanted to get some politics from Jane in this chapter, so hey, why not throw in a televised speech? oh, and then i can have some tucker carlson types remind us that Earth C is a fucking mess. i wrote all that, and it was good, but it was just Roxy watching tv. i tried to get into Jade's arrival and couldn't. so i went back and realized, oh, Roxy should be yelling at the tv the whole time! now we get Jane's politics, Roxy's reactions to those politics, as well as bits and pieces of context re: Jane's relationships with Karkat and Roxy. now when Jade arrives, we can play with the question of whether she heard the speech from outside Roxy's door, and why neither of them was physically at the speech in the first place. there's tension and imbalance in Roxy's state of mind when Jade does arrive, so we're more inside her perspective than we usually are, which in turn helps us identify with her when Jade starts infodumping about antimemes.

so often for me, working through a block is a matter of doing a better job utilizing what's available to you. going back to the A1 solo and trying to bring Jake, Jane, and (Terezi) into the scene. i finally returned to it after a couple months of being sick and dealing with life problems. i was frustrated because i'd hoped to be several tracks in to 3.2 by now, and instead i was confronted with just how much more of this thing is left and how long that might take if i couldn't pick up the pace. this thing NEEDED to get done.

and then i remembered that Jasprose is literally right there.

and that was it! problem fucking solved! i had jasprose drop all three of them into the scene completely unceremoniously using manic teleportation through a fenestrated plane, and from there the entire rest of the chapter erupted out of me in a single go. it's such an obvious solution to the problem that you as reader probably assumed it was the plan from the very beginning. but it's like Pirsig says: the solutions all are obvious-- after you've arrived at them.

then there's the problem of overwriting. i actually did i think four different versions of the opening to the A1 solo. the first person narration was a late addition. i tweaked that scene so so so many times. it kept feeling close but not quite. when i did the thing where i reread to find where the block happened, instead of actually reading the thing i just kept finding spots where i could write more. i can extend this anecdote. this line could be better. maybe a comma here would work better than an ellipsis...

this can be good because sometimes what's blocking you is that you skipped over something that needed more time. maybe some information or a dramatic emphasis that gives the stuff you can't yet write the momentum it needs to get going again. but i've gotta be real careful doing this, because i can do it forever. and then, as you describe (hey look, i'm actually talking about your specific problem now!), that hyper-polished section sets everything else up to fail by comparison.

i think the trick is knowing the difference between when a scene needs an editing pass vs when a scene just straight up isn't working. when it's not working, sometimes you do just have to throw it all out and start over. but if it's good enough that you feel like all it's missing is better dialogue and some more description, then you can hold off on that polish until the rest of the thing is done. this conundrum is most common at the beginning of a chapter or story in my experience, precisely as a result of the process i've been describing this whole time. when you hit a block and retrace your steps, you can always find things to fix. so it's sort of natural that any given chapter becomes less polished the further along you get in to it. that's why it's so important to understand the differences between all these different types of blocks, and to remind yourself that literally nothing you've written is finished until the moment you've made it public.

a big part of getting the A1 solo out the door was me swallowing my desire for perfection in every exchange and saying, no, this is good enough. it's not 100% what i want, but it's close enough that it just isn't worth the effort it would take to get there. sometimes there are scenes that are worth that effort, but they are always rarer than you think and they're never the ones you'd expect. i will freely admit that there are a lot of characters expositing their motivations in this chapter. i tried to embed as much of that in humor or drama as i could, but sometimes you just have to shrug your shoulders and walk away and hope your readers will be nice to you.

of course the funny thing is, once i finished the chapter and had all the panels sketched out and wiped my hands clean of the whole affair, janet needed two weeks to make the images. so i ended up having time to polish up a couple of those things that i felt were lacking after all. but those additions were radically small and intuitive, because i'd divorced myself from the raw production and had committed to so many directions that i *couldn't* change much. i'm so used to writing for release that i don't know what to do with myself when my part of the job is done before i can kick it out the door. i've come to find that waiting, taking breaks, walking away and coming back, do wonders for your ability to egolessly examine your work and identify what's wrong. sometimes you just need a day or two to sleep on it.

and sometimes you realize that you've really just over-written a scene, out of preciousness or insecurity or whatever else, and the result is so much bigger than everything else you want to do that it's more expedient to just scrap it. i hate when this happens, man. i did this with an early version of the A1 chorus, when Jade is stuck in space alone and shouting about how unfair her life has been. you know sometimes there's an emotion in a scene that's addictive. some bit of pathos that you just feel down to your bones, fuck me man, this is so GOOD, this is so JUICY, this shit has QUALITY. it's so good you don't want it to be finished. so you keep writing it, and writing it, and you rewrite it, and you add to it, because you really want to squeeze every drop of emotion you can from the thing. and then you wind up with a bloated melodramatic mess that's so overplayed you've annihilated everything that compelled you to write it in the first place.

i want to be clear that this isn't wasted work. nothing you ever put to the page, no matter how ultimately useless it might prove to be, is wasted work. the way i see this whole process, top to bottom, is that there's this thing. i don't know what it is, but it's there. maybe it starts with an image, or a line of dialogue, or a relationship, or a natural vista, whatever. it can be anything. what matters is it's a sign pointing you in a direction. it's something that has Quality that you can feel with such potent immediacy that you have no choice but to write it. the act of writing is something of an expedition, because the real magic of it comes when those disparate signs start colliding with one another. an image becomes a scene, a house, a world, a universe. sometimes these signs lead to dead ends, but with experience you learn to tell the dead ends from the rough patches. you learn how to make your own way. you do this by listening to what this thing is telling you. every story i've ever written has known better than me what it wants. i can impose so much onto it, i control 90% of the process at least. but that other 10% cannot, should not be quantified or controlled but simply understood. if you try to bottle the flame, you'll just end up snuffing it out.

no artist really knows why they do what they do or how they're able to pull it off. they can tell you their methods, their process, their coping mechanisms, they can write ludicrously lengthy diatribes on tumblr in response to an innocuous ask, but you can't pin down the soul of the thing. Quality is ephemeral, because it's first. it happens before you've had time to think, like putting your hand on a hot stove. you just know. and you have to trust that knowledge to carry you forward, not second guess it too much, not try to wrangle the thing into a shape it doesn't want to assume. sometimes this requires writing scenes that you don't love, because it's easier to build a messy bridge between the moments that drive you than it is to perfect every single moment out of an artificial commitment to like, Being A Good Writer or whatever.

a lot of this is just practice. you get better at communicating with your creative impulses. but also i think it helps to internalize that nobody sees the rough drafts, nobody sees the duct tape. and nobody knows the perfect vision you'll be convinced you failed to meet. nobody has ever made a perfect thing, and no one ever will. who wants to be perfect, anyway? godfeels wouldn't be what it is if i wasn't willing to let it be messy. if i'd tried to do it better, it never would have gotten done, and nothing i'm doing now would have even conceptually gotten to exist.

also, it's okay to abandon shit when it stops feeling good. i have so many unfinished books kicking around from my 20s, dude. i feel bad about some of them, but ten years not finishing books is still ten years spent writing. it's actually quite rare for good ideas to result in finished works, because good ideas are cheap and they're not all for you. but you gotta keep trying anyway because sooner or later you'll catch a spark that has real gas, and if you've done the work you'll be ready for it. it'll feel like destiny. it'll feel like magic, how matched that idea is to your skill level. but it won't be magic, it'll be skill. if you hadn't put the work in to know how to follow that intuition, it'd be just as dead an end as everything else you never finished. you do the work so that when you get lucky you can take advantage of it. so in that context, writing is quite low stakes. if it's not good enough, fuck it, try something else!

anyway i hope there's some decent insight buried in here somewhere. thanks for such a good question!

[uhuraisgay]

fic writer meme

ty lore @megafaunatic for tagging meee :3c

How many works do you have on Ao3?

fifty three as of today. tomorrow? who knows.... (probably still fifty three)

2. What's your total Ao3 word count?

518,435 words .... wrow.....

3. What fandoms do you write for?

historically its been all over the place but theres so much stuff rotting and dying in my gdrive that has never been posted so i feel like i have a broader actual ouvre than is represented on ao3. which is mdzs heavy at least in the past couple years

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

5. beyond all limit (wangxian i wrote for lore right after i first read the book) 4. if the story's over (moshang post-divorce get-together fic) 3. someone as good for me as you (written in 2016 for holster and ransom when i was reading check, please. LMAO) 2. at least as deep as the pacific ocean (written in 2015 in the clearest example of 'person distraught by the tragic ending of a tragedy misses the fucking point and writes a coffee shop au of achilles and patroclus after she read tsoa' ever, even bigger LMAO) 1. your name safe in their mouth (lsz gets his dad back, and other emotional adventures)

5. Do you respond to comments?

i used to try to reply to every comment i got but i stopped doing that around the same time i went to college and got more depressed. but i love reading comments and i sometimes reply if someone says something that moves me or like. asks me a question about the fic that i want to elaborate on? because i love to yap

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i'm not really good at writing straight angst i feel like it's normally like. angst with catharsis. but i wrote some explorations on grief in the past couple years that i feel like have the angst factor (what i have of you about nhs after nmj dies, and then when your beard fell out about my sweetie pie kageyama tobio in middle school after his grandpa dies)

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

i have a lot of silly fluffy fics... idk i try to toe the line mostly of like. the joys and sadnesses of human experience but sometimes you just gotta fluff it up. i'll set the table, you can make the fire, which is book verse aziraphale/crowley living in a cottage and being in love, comes to mind....i love that one

8. Do you get hate on fics?

i don't think i've ever really gotten hate on a fic? i have been extremely lucky in that regard. especially since my whole ouvre from like 2014 onward is on that damn site and much of it is very cringeworthy.

9. Do you write smut?

not well!

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you have written?

i often will do like kind of a quasi-crossover kind of thing rather than a True Crossover wherein i take characters i like from one medium and plop them into the roles and places of characters i like from another medium. i did a dragon age wangxian fic where lwj was the inquisitor from da:i called we held together the fragile sky that kind of exemplifies this dynamic

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i know of or that anyone has ever notified me of, but i also don't look that hard. if this has ever happened, it would hurt my feelings, so please don't do it ? lol

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes!!!! and i was honored

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

not as such but i have one not-intended-for-posting fic which is basically just a transcription of jokes i have with my roommate about haikyuu characters LOL which i think counts as co-writing. she's my co-writer in spirit even if i'm the one at the keyboard

14. What's your all time favorite ship?

my answer to this changes with every new fixation i have. like right now it's kagehina. if you asked me four years ago i would have said wangxian. You Know?

15. What is a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

SO MANY...i think probably my fullmetal alchemist nie brothers au....i try not to post things until they are done and fully edited now, but that one was a whim-based fic that i lost all strength for as soon as i started thinking too hard about kagehina. i also had a fem nielan sci fi au that was vaguely based off beauty and the beast but nmj was like stuck in a ship and she thought she was its computer and that she was a program but she was actually a person....which i never posted any of except snippets on twitter and i think it was just too sprawling for my current skill level...i just was never able to wrangle it. but i am fond of it nonetheless

16. What are your writing strengths?

based on what other people have told me i would say the way i write sibling / family relationships, and while my prose is not always pretty i do think it can be pretty at times ...

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

i feel like it's often too self-indulgent even if that's what fic is for lol, and i tend to look back on fics and think, i wrote that because i had feelings about it and wanted to say it, but i'm not necessarily sure that This Character would say/do that at this point in time....idk like i fear that when i don't think about it hard enough my characterization can be weak or guided by what eye personally would do vs. what The Character would do. but some of that is because the majority of my fics on ao3 are from years and years ago and i (hopefully) have continued to improve

18. Thoughts of writing dialogue in another language in fics?

i'm picky about it but when it's done well i think it's really fun and builds so much of the world/character. i think when it's bad it's really bad. when i go about it i try to think about like, a) do i know this language myself/do i know someone who does. if the answer is no i try to keep it really minimal. b) how do people who know multiple languages approach speaking those multiple languages naturally in real life. like (IN MY EXPERIENCE) ppl don't tend to switch languages for random words mid-sentence unless those words are like, mom, dad, uncle, aunt, ect...maybe swearing if they're less familiar with one of the languages and don't know slang/swearing in it...but again when it's done well it's really good and i'm not an expert. i just can kinda tell when it feels off when i read it, if that makes sense...(it's the same way i feel about grammar lol. sometimes i can just tell it's a little Off)

19. First fandom you wrote for?

probably either fma or soul eater or the sister's grimm book series when i was in middle school. or maybe doctor who? idk i had a lot of fanfic notebooks that i have since destroyed and then regretted destroying

20. Favorite fic you have written?

at the present moment it's in these coming years my kagehina love letter but again i feel like it changes constantly. like the more i write the better i get and the more the newest/most polished thing i've written sort of Becomes my favorite just by default of my satisfaction level with it. sorry if that's a bad answer

tagging @yuebings @dcyiyou @burins @cairoscene @cafecliche @perilously sorry if you've been tagged already also if you want to do this and i didn't tag you just say i did. I'll shut up now

[originsofevil]

Intro <3 !

I go by Michelangelo or any variation of that

(usually michael/mikey but names dont mean much to me)

but i recently found out that i'm the host of a system so if any tags are signed off with a different name thats why

dont care too much abt pronouns but i typically use he/him, ve/vir, and xe/xir/xem. mix it up, get creative. typically dont use she/her but ynever know

body is 21, we're an aries if u wanna make any judgement off of that, autistic + adhd if that wasnt obvious

i do post occasional nfsw/suggestive content, never anything too crazy but if youre a minor id prefer if you didnt interact with those posts, i have no way of enforcing this as i dont check my notifs unless theres tags but i am a full adult, i do pay rent and bills and taxes. on that topic i probably wont follow you if youre under like. 16/17ish. no hard feelings i just am an adult and im not around kids very much as the 2nd youngest of 4 so. if youre under 16 dont do drugs stay in school all that good stuff. i love you, go to bed on time. i've been on this website since i was 11 and it shows. dont be me.

dms are always open ! i'm not amazing at holding a conversation unless its abt my current hyperfixation (rn its zelda/lu) but i love to yap. if you follow me and we're not mutuals dm/ask me and ill follow back! I don't rly pay attention to my followers so i typically don't follow ppl unless theyre consistently posting abt one of my interests and i remember to

I talk in the tags a LOT feel free to <- prev or rb addressing my tags but i typically assume no one will read them all the way through. i'm writing whole essays. im oversharing. call op a college admissions office bc I'm telling my whole life story. if my tags make you uncomfortable on your post please let me know and i will apologize/delete them if you wish. i dont have a concept of tmi and tend to misread/miss social cues/the vibes so i apologize if i misstep

please let me know if i reblog any stolen artwork/ai generated anything/ etc

‼️‼️i am not spoiler free for anything (even if i myself havent seen the content) i dont have any sort of tagging system ‼️

list of my active fandoms! old hyperfixations tend to creep up on me so this is not complete

- bungo stray dogs (bsd beast fans pls follow me i adore beast)

- legend of zelda (all games + lu/links meet aus)(legend fans pspspsp)

- the witcher (mainly the show but i got attached to a character thats not even actually in any of the games. aiden i love you.)

- cars (2006, 2011, 2017)(yes entirely unironically)

- Voltron legendary defender. (again. yes. unironically.)

- star wars (mainly the main series and animation since i havent read thr or played the games)

- jujutsu kaisen (2nd years stan)

- the magnus archives (gerry delano fans i love you)

- percy jackson (mainly the books and musical, i dont care for the show much but i adore the actors)

- gravity falls ! (i actually just got into this like, last month. binged the whole series in like a week at age 21.)

- my hero academia (my hs best friend made me watch s1 and i got attached to aizawa hawks and the todorokis sorry)(im convinced the todorokis were based on my family. im literally natsuo. dont ask abt dabi unless u think you're prepared)

Non Fandom Interests

- I write ! once i start uploading ill link my ao3 here but its rough out here (microsoft word)

- I draw ! i mightve posted my art a few times but as i mentioned i dont have any tagging system so maybe I'll make one for art or link another social at some point

- this mostly falls under loz but i love video games :3 i MOSTLY play loz but animal crossing, minecraft, and random silly da games ive collected over the years are my pride and joy. i want to play the witcher games but i have assassins creed black flag and im really bad at it. (i only have nintendo consoles (ds, 3ds, switch) rn but i want a decent pc at some point. the sims calls to me.

- Politics! my politics are very important to me as a leftist so if you're right wing we will not get along. if i find out that youre racist/homophobic/transphobic/a zionist (i am jewish)/sexist/etc i will probably block you. id say no hard feelings but i dint mean that.

I will probably update this as needed/whenever i remember to <3 ty if u read this and i love you have a great day

[kaleb-is-definitely-sane]

Revenge time ✨✨

0:Height

1:Virgin?

2:Shoe size

3:Do you smoke?

4:Do you drink?

5:Do you take drugs?

6:Age you get mistaken for

7:Have tattoos?

8:Want any tattoos?

9:Got any piercings?

10:Want any piercings?

11:Best friend?

12:Relationship status

13:Biggest turn ons

14:Biggest turn offs

15:Favorite movie

16:I’ll love you if

17:Someone you miss

18:Most traumatic experience

19:A fact about your personality

20:What I hate most about myself

21:What I love most about myself

22:What I want to be when I get older

23:My relationship with my sibling(s)

24:My relationship with my parent(s)

25:My idea of a perfect date

26:My biggest pet peeves

27:A description of the girl/boy I like

28:A description of the person I dislike the most

29:A reason I’ve lied to a friend

30:What I hate the most about work/school

31:What your last text message says

32:What words upset me the most

33:What words make me feel the best about myself

34:What I find attractive in women

35:What I find attractive in men

36:Where I would like to live

37:One of my insecurities

38:My childhood career choice

39:My favorite ice cream flavor

40:Who wish I could be

41:Where I want to be right now

42:The last thing I ate

43:Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately

44:A random fact about anything

🤭✨😌.

What?? Vengeance??? I never saw this one coming (wink emoji)

0:Height: 5"7

1:Virgin?: Yes. #waitingtillmarriagegang

2:Shoe size: Why are you buying me shoes?????

3:Do you smoke?: Absolutely not. Smoking = Murder (of both yourself and others)

4:Do you drink?: Ewww no.

5:Do you take drugs?: Ewwwwwww no.

6:Age you get mistaken for: Anywhere from 12 - 14 (I'll be sixteen in April; buy me a gift; preferably a books)

7:Have tattoos? No.

8:Want any tattoos?: I'm allergic to physical pain lol

9:Got any piercings? Did you not here about the physical pain???

10:Want any piercings? Hello! My allergy! Are you not paying any attention!?

11:Best friend? @ell0ra-br3kk3r, @writingwitch007, @lavenderimaginedher, @nyxxxxxxxx, @slowlyg0ld, @quickslvxr, @technically-bean, @just-another-godless-god (i can't ever remember you url correctly lol) and all the rest of my moots <3

12:Relationship status: Complicated....

13:Biggest turn ons: smiles, hyperfixations, dramaticness but maintaining the ability to be chill, bright eyes (not like color; theres something about certain people that makes there eyes bright), long hair (idkw)

14:Biggest turn offs: Hubris, being condescending, the stupid type of stupid like not cute stupid but mean stupid, fake people,

15:Favorite movie: Enola Holmes <3

16: I’ll love you if you are alive lol. As far as agape love is you breathing is enough. As far as philia/ludus is concerned be nice and funny

17:Someone you miss: A lot of people...

18: Most traumatic experience: The moment when i was 5 when i realized adults aren't perfect. 5 was way to young imo.

19:A fact about your personality: I'm loyal. You need to talk to someone im there.

20:What I hate most about myself: I have trouble focusing on things im uninterested in doing.

21:What I love most about myself: I know a lot about a lot. And I'm very passionate.

22:What I want to be when I get older: actor, youth pastor, author, poet, philosopher, revolutionary, essayist, traveler, director, playwright, theologian, historian, theorist. Any of those are fine by me.

23:My relationship with my sibling(s): On and off. Probably as good and bad as most other relationships.

24:My relationship with my parent(s): idk. sometimes it seems good sometimes i wish i was running away. and whenever i get upset with my parents i can't help but think of so many of my friends with even worse parental lives so idk.

25:My idea of a perfect date: I've never been on a date but i'd love candles, outide eating, talking, reading. Fairy Lights!!!

26:My biggest pet peeves: People saying im rude. Like the frick! You have no idea what I'm not saying and then you argue i say to much. (roll eyes emoji)

27:A description of the girl/boy I like: idk my relationship life is complicated at the moment lol. Most of the girls i've ever liked were funny, nice and had long brown or black hair.

28:A description of the person I dislike the most: i dislike a lot of people. All of them are cheaters and liars.

29:A reason I’ve lied to a friend: I told him that his relationship with this girl would work.

30:What I hate the most about work/school: It's not taught correctly lol. When the school system has taught you that Shakespeare is boring you know you've done something wrong. The way Shakespeare was the Lin Manuel Miranda of the the 15 and 1600's. Also Greek mythology is basically the MCU and Roman Mythology is the DC universe lol. I've tangented a bit. The point is literature is cool (Jane Austen is hilarious) and history is anything but boring if only they were taught correctly.

31:What your last text message says: do dms count? if so: "hiiiiiiii [girl's name]" if not: "Got it. Good morning <3"

32:What words upset me the most: Basically anyone saying i need to "man up" or "control my emotions".

33:What words make me feel the best about myself: "i'm proud of you" "nobody's perfect" "you look amazing"

34:What I find attractive in women: Be honest, open, kind, funny, loyal, friendly, brave, beautiful (inside more than out), hopeful etc.

35:What I find attractive in men: I'm straight (nobody listen to anything @nyxxxxxxxx tells you) but I am a sucker for dark messy hair. Look up Timothée Hal Chalamet. oh my goshhhhhhh.

36:Where I would like to live: Somewhere beautiful. Simple as that.

37:One of my insecurities: Couldn't pick one so - my physical appearance, being imperfect, letting people down and i have huge anxiety about upsetting people or infringing on their boundries.

38:My childhood career choice: Pastor

39:My favorite ice cream flavor: Cookies and Creme; Starberry and Creme

40:Who wish I could be: Just me.

41:Where I want to be right now: Anywhere beautiful.

42:The last thing I ate: A valentine's day reese cup from my sister <3

43:Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately: idk my moots? Yall are wonderful lol

44:A random fact about anything: I'm a shipper in denial lol

[underscorecc]

1.

every time i dump a bunch of shit thats been on my chest it usually starts with all the problems in my life. maybe its because im just shooting from the hip but i find myself stuck in the should-have-beens and the varying levels of "not good enough" but i think ive had enough and for once im putting the shit that runs on the hamster wheel in my head out there where maybe someone can connect and understand and realize they are like me or visa-versa. unfortunately youll have to forgive the lack of proper grammatic structuring and the vagueness, but i dont really care enough beyond stringing my thoughts together in a way that someone can comprehend them, and my lack of specificity is partly to isolate this page from my life, and partly so that those who can possibly connect with some of these topics are able to just a little more.

heres where im at: i've just been through a breakup about a week ago, and even though it was on really good terms, ive opted to keep her out of my life for the time being. im sick of being obsessed and letting someone hold so much power over me (not that she was particularly dysfunctional). we even alluded to getting back together in some undecided amount of time, a time when she can be single for a bit and i can fix the major parts of my dysfunctional life. i dont really care about the breakup. she meant a lot to me but im just sick of her right now and of the apathy. i texted her that i wanted her out of my life so that i can get her out of my head (we originally opted to stay best friends despite the breakup) but that didnt really work.

anyways

off the top of my head i can categorize "dysfunctional" in the context of what im dealing with rn goes like this:

1 - I'm sick of being a beta of sorts. I used to carry myself with a lot of alpha energy that just went out with a bang at the beginning of the last 6 months, which currently, have been the worst 6 months of my life. you might automatically direct your thoughts to me being some andrew-tate-manosphere-15-year-old-incel-cuck at the mention of alpha, but no. It's more in the sense that I had self respect, was much more consistent in the gym and with music, I was way more confident, and all in all I just felt like there was a future on that path that I was taking.

2 - I'm sick of having such a weak internal locus of control. In another perspective one could say I have made leaps and bounds in terms of my level of control and discipline, and they wouldn't be wrong. from where my standards are set, it's nowhere near enough. maybe my goals are "unrealistic" or "too tall" but when you shoot for the moon, even if you miss, youll land amongst the stars. for now, my withered coomer-brain needs a reset, which probably involves some sort of dopamine desensitization, so when i start doing that i'll update on this blog.

3 - I'm sick of my selective pseudo social anxiety. when it comes to social dynamics, once im situated, i find myself more than competent in being engaging, and more often than not im the center of attention, but even so i find there's this level of desperation in the way that i entertain. not to say that im bad at it, no im the fucking best; no one does it like me. at the same time, i find myself feeling that when im joking with a group of friends or just making small talk theres this underlying begging of "please pay attention to me and validate me and dont leave me" that i pick up on, and if i pick up on it others may very well too.

all of these issues tie into eachother in more ways than i can imagine, and for the most part i can trace these issues to their source, the rejection, the shit talking, the anxiety, the deflated sense of self-value/importance/respect, the lack of self control, etc. so right now i guess i need to focus on just fucking doing it or something i dont know.

one of the things i find people (including myself) struggle to do the most is to come to terms with the fact that making significant change involves doing hard shit. for example, if you want to have a nice body and be strong just lift a lot of heavy shit and dont eat like a fatass. It really is that simple (not to imply that simplicity = ease) but so often i find people snorting lines of copium by doing some crazy intricate crash diet or giving in to defeat by saying "oh my basal metabolic rate is too low to lose weight" or "my bicep insertions look weird thats why i dont have good arms" (stay with me here i promise it'll come back to the main topic soon) and you could say that those are good excuses to give up, but you arent going to be any more satisfied with yourself by logically worming yourself out of putting in effort, because it takes effort.

I only said all that because i feel like thats what i do all the fucking time and its probably the crux of all my issues and it makes me fucking crazy. being decently smart doesnt help at all either, because i can logic my way out of fucking everything now, which has probably been the primary contributor to landing me where i am now. It reminds me of the most stand out part of fight club to me, "How's that working out for you?...Being Clever". If i were asked that by a one tyler durden i would say "its the fucking worst".

im all over the place now because my comprehension of this intangible dissatisfaction with myself, which i simultaneously can put into words succinctly, yet also could not describe with all the words of all the languages. i dont want to end abruptly here because it feels like theres more i could go off of, but i cant. tldr; its not over but like shit stinks bad rn :)

[ram-de]

[read] white trash warlock

idk when I'll be continuing good omens and evelyn hardcastle im sorry christian apocalypse and murder time loop... I'll get back one day

ANYWAY

After reading extraordinaties, and then all of us villains (and demise) I think I'm growing fond of the fantasy as a genre. I've read several pjo books and I think Harry potter in my teenage years but my English comprehension wasnt as good as how I am right now (writing is a different thing) so I think I missed a lot of clues and all lol there's always stuff I get confused and read back. I wondered what the hell happens at some points. I've read more contemporary dramas the past few months. BUT... Damn fantasy opens up a lot of interesting scenarios... And... I crave for more👉👈 good thing there's a basically infinite supply of fantasy stories

What I know about this book? White trash warlock... Is well, it's an urban fantasy. Meaning, as far as I understand it, a lot of fantasy tropes are implemented in the more usual contemporary setting. Did I get that right? I dont know.

The premise is... Some peeps can see through The Sight, a different kind of dimension(?) that dwells and live in basically the same place. The main protagonists are this guy Adam and his brother. They were estranged until one day Adam's brother asks him for help.

-----((++-------

Alright. COOL LIZARD PEOPLE... I can't really image what the hell cue is. My English comprehension isn't as good as I thought💀 alright. So theres this stuff that a guy made out of like, magical peeps creatures remains to make some kind of magical items. Cues? And Adam is pursuing the guy making these things. He's also been thrown away by his family simply because he has an affinity with magical entities, albeit weak.

His brother Robert is a guy with a wife whose unable to have child for like three times. And she's... She's nursing a blob of magical creature... Uh... Why am I doing a summary... BACK TO THE PROGRAM...

Ouu I like myself some groveling plot, asking for help after you kicked your brother out is low. I expect some good asking for forgiveness... Lmao

_-_---------------

There's gonna be a lot of angst isn't there sghsgshsh like family drama

So people just powers up (Sight) randomly from genetics?? Witch > warlock > whatever Adam is. Living with someone that can predict the future must've sucks like dont spoil me old lady💀

Why does the story gave me the shivers im lowkey scared it's making me think of my own future shzgshhs fiction is supposed to be an escape stopppp

Oh bobby is an ass screw him I'd call him another slime but he's probably gonna have a redemption one way or another and I know it's gonna be good

_--------_______----

I didn't miss that Aunt Sue didn't promise him anything when he asked if she'll be there when he returns. This lady can see the future (tho idk if it extends to her own's) OH SHE'S GONNA BE DEAD...

The Liberty House is some kind of a conversion therapy esque kind of school? oh the mom and the bro is shitty fr SLIMES YOU ALL

Adam my skilled ghostbuster son🤲 (I've never watched ghostbuster) ((he's older than me))

I don't actually know if I can read through this estranged distant painful family drama (for Adam, screw his mom)

Ouu... That's a bit chilling. WORLD BUILDING... LORE... APOCALYPSE INCOMING...

Bob guy irritates me as he should. Excellent characterization! I want him eradicated!

Is this an insta-love trope um😭 not too fond of them but dhsgshjehd ill muster through...

Idk bob sending ur brother to something akin of a conversion therapy just because he had something akin of a mental illness (it's not mental illness it's magic though I'm sure with how it affected Adam that much it'd get him some) (even if it's mental illness, do you really send them off and never check up on them?...huh... Wait some people do that?😭)

----------------

One thing that I thought in stories is, in this modern age of cameras and CCTV, there's no way strange occurrences can be kept hidden to the rest of the world. What do you mean reaper came in the form of human host that awoke when someone is gonna die? Wouldn't someone bat an eye for public death if a stranger suddenly grew and turned their pencil into a schyte... In the broad daylight? He'd be the killer, then! (technically not but also, that's how grim reaper reap souls?) but what if it's just an accepted normalcies... If so why is this guy Adam thought as if it's a hidden secrets only witches knows. This felt like a nitpick😭 im sure there's like an in-world answer idk why this one stucks lol

Also Adam is a witch that's good to know

OUUU time stopped for the mortal side. I see. I'm stupid.

Nitpicking is fun because I act like I'm a better writer than wrjtert who put love and sweat into their creation, in the product of their world building and lore. Im sorry😔 So the next nitpick is, does the non-mortal magic creatures speak English?

Oh their dead is a cheater AND a deadbeat I NEED HIM TO PERISH

Ok not a cheater (yet, idk)

Adam and Bobby seems OK-ish during their childhood who wanna bet it's something with their dad that made them estranged

Imagine waking up with a stranger memories damn Adam this is why you don't tether your life to another... ARE THEY BASICALLY SHARING A BRAIN NOW

That's some body horror right there like whatever you thought about the other guy knows too and nothing to hide or nothing to keep to yourself no personality whatsoever and also no individuality LIKE... Maybe it's good if they're like a good person but what if they're doing it to rob your bank account or steal whatever

So they're like fated mates now ok ig

Bob my even if you think sending your bro to a mental institute is "the best" thing to do, why haven't you reached out to him after, like all this time.

I like that Adam kept reminding Bob of how much he hated him, like yea deservedaushhshsushsh the elves are such cool creatures argent is a queen silver is a king and yes. What question? Uh, any. Yes.

This guy hasn't moved on from his ex😭 get over it smh

Bruh I though he's offering his own car lmaoo Adam you're such a menace and elves are car thiefs!!

Is this a meet-cute? I don't know if it's a meet-cute but I liked it. I'm eating. I'm thriving so much. Vics accepting magic just like that contrasting to how Adam's bro and mom denied it all his life😭 augshsh

WAIT THIS IS CUTE I'M SOLD.... WHO CARES IT ITS INSTA LOVE ITS INSTA CUTE and I love cute things except real people's. Real life kinda sucks. But this... This is soft and fluffy😭

Bobby's reluctance and Adam's attunement to magic reminds me of kids stories. I mean, like Peter Pan, maybe? I don't know, I haven't watched Peter Pan. Like this one kid movie about a kid that have monster friend in the forest. They're like a big monster doll. I forgot what the movie is called. Or like this one show where a kid (human, live action) can visit his animal friends (cartoon, animated). Or like Narnia. Um... What's my point. What I'm saying is that fantasy is just a temporary thing, and how kid grown out of them after they're an adult. Bobby wanted Adam to have a /normal/ live, despite magic and magical world present and real and exists. In a way, Adam is stuck on his affinity with magic (and partly that's because his family rejected it in the first place. When he's scared of it, they put him to therapist and give him drugs, diagnosing it of something he's not rather than listening, helping him in a way that would accepts him too.) and contrast that with Bobby who's just over all of it (partly because his father, deadbeat and abusive, also have an affinity to magic)

Vic is a cutie😭

Hm... Silver can't be Perak, can't he? W. DNDHSHS WTF. UM. UMMM.... WHAT IN THE TRANSLATION IS THIS. UM. Silver is literally Perak in Indonesian😭 like that's the word translation. UM.????

Ojh my god A LOT OF LORE DROPPED

Huh... Wait. That's weird. Silver is Argentum in Latin...😭 Okay, that's three. A pattern. What does this means. Does elves names themselves after a variation of the word 'Silver' in several languages. Is Silver and Argent the same person? WHAT IS HAPOENDJNG

So Perak is just a different guy and elves just named after Silvers ooooookay

Oh there is it is I have zero skills for implied clues haha😭

Bruh the King is mad stupid for locking the single practicioner left alive to fought the spirit😭 like my man that thing lolled elves and humans and there you have a guy willing to fight for it, and you locked him and your son because they had a thing in the past?

31----- AHHH soft soft and fluffy my heart is warm

I think I'll explode if Adam ended up with Silver, dont pursue the immortal/mortal angst PLEASEEE vic is good, no, GREAT even

Vicente... Dreamy

So all this time Bobby's doing is just an influence of a higher being? Aw that's strangely unfulfilling, now the groveling doesn't seem justified and I'm not excited for, if it'd happen, anymore. That's disappointing.

Surely Argent isn't going to be ded right..

This flashback is painful😭 I can sorta get why Bobby would send Adam to the house but really he's sending him for another years of hurt. Adam:( His dad is abusive. His mom is passive. And his brother no longer protects him.

Okay... So it's not necessarily a higher being puppeteering Bobby, sort of give him a way, leading him into it. That makes it better. Because what Bobby had done is still horrible.

AAH it ended. It's a HFN, definitely. And I'm... Why do I felt like I expected more of an ending? It doesn't really tie up a lot of loose knots. like his family problem (which is fair, since it's taken a lot of time.) I DID NOT SEE ANY GROVELLING, HMM? even the sorries felt lackluster like it's just unsaid and they just accepted it for what it is. Which is also fair, since they've been through a lot. but ALSO... the thing with Vic. Like... We don't even see him in the last chapter😭 and this guy Adam is going to go again to look for the warlock. UM. DO I READ THE SEQUELS...

Yes. Yea I will be. But I'll pace it out... I can do self-restraint (I can't)

[hoseokisgucci]

HIFTB (Hit it from the back)

GENRE: smut

WORD COUNT: 4.2K

PAIRING: Namjoon x reader

SUMMARY: OC moves into a flat, happens upon hot neighboour joon. Gets off to thoughts of said hot neighbour, and the rest is history.

WARNING: Joon hears her get off, theres a lot of consent in there, some slut shaming, some humiliation, some soft stuff. OC might have a size kink.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I wrote something kinky in a long while. Lmk what y'all think. Hmu w requests, i wanna try writing some new stuff.

🐨

"I told you, it's a pretty good flat. I'm glad you're all moved in."

"You were very spot on with this one, thanks once again dude."

"No problem at all. I'll come over in a few days and we can have that binge session, alright?"

"Yes ma'am."

After finally breaking up with your boyfriend, ex-boyfriend now, (who was probably labelled asshat by your friends) you had to be the one to leave your shared apartment, which led to you needing a place ASAP.

Your univeristy friend was the one who had come to your rescue when you had needed a place to stay. At first, when she suggested that she had just the place in mind, you were a bit iffy. But after seeing the place, and the rent, you were willing to move in at any moment. And so you did.

Which brought you to this moment in time, where you have probably just seen Adonis in human form waiting for the lift. When you stop beside the tall serving of man, he turns to you and gives you a small smile, which brings into focus his dimples. And his face. Oh God. His dimples. His fucking face. Yeah, his fucking face would be good to see too. Shut up.

The lift opens, and he gestures for you to walk in first. He enters after you, and stands near the panel, expectantly looking at you.

"Oh, uhh 5th, thank you." You stutter out.

Surprise colors his face as he turns to you and says, "I didn't know my floor had someone this pretty."

Oh? Ohhhhhh.

Looking at him head on, your eyes twinkling, mustering all the confidence and sexual prowess in your being, you reply, "Well sweetheart, now you know."

For a second, his eyes look like they'll pop out of his head. But that moment passes, and he seems to collect himself as he chuckles and nods his head, muttering,

"That I do."

The lift doors open on your floor, and as you walk out, you turn around to coyly give him a look, twiddling your fingers in a wave. He just stands there watching you go.

Oh baby, nothing ever felt this sweet.

The next time you run into Adonis is when you're stepping out of your apartment and he's...stepping out of the apartment...beside you. The sound of you closing your door makes him look towards you, and he smiles.

Screw his face, dear God.

You smile back, hoping that your face doesn't look like that of a raccoon, and turn to face him.

"Hey neighbour," he says.

"Hey, uhhh, neighbour?" you say, trailing off.

"My bad. I'm Namjoon. How have you been?"

"I think, I've been, pretty okay. You?"

"I've been good too. You like it here?"

The way he asks this, it seems like he's hinting at something else entirely and not just asking you a basic question. The low timbre of his voice doesn't make it easier for you to not misinterpret.

Scrabbling for a reply, on autopilot, you say

"Uh yes, yes! I like it. A lot."

His smile turns into one of amusement, and he starts walking to the lift. When you don't follow, he turns to look at you, raising his brows.

"You comin' sweetheart?"

You bet your ass I am.

After running into your neighbour a few more times, you realise that this man, is truly some other being. Aside from being cute as hell and having that voice which makes anyone wanna strip, he is actually, personality wise, very nice. And kind. Everytime you've run into him, he's offered to carry your groceries or asked about your day or suggested going for a walk. This one time, he even came to your door to give you your mail, saying he went to get his and figured he'd get yours too. Other times, you've seen him at the florist, conversing with an old lady, once outside the library with a small boy, and once coming back, probably from the gym. All sweaty and flushed.

Looking at a sweaty Namjoon had triggered something inside your brain. It was as if, seeing him like that added another dimension to him in your head. Earlier he was just, nice hot neighbour. But now, now he was nice hot neighbour who can pound me into the mattress four ways to Thursday. How hot would it be, big palms holding you down, biceps flexing as he thrusted into you, skin glistening, lips rubbed raw? Very fucking hot.

All you could think about that night was Namjoon. And it was all your fucking fault. If you hadn't ogled him, then you wouldn't be wetter than London in the rain right now. And you felt like a weirdo, humiliated and dirty at the thought of what you wanted to do. Not just with him or to him, but also without him. Only if you didnt get off at feeling like this, your predicament could've been a little different. But now, after contemplating (contemplation being, you thinking of one very naked tall man), you had no damn choice. You just had to get one out while your imagination was thriving with your memory of him. So you did what you had to do. You teased yourself, fingers brushing your clit, light touches here and there. Your other hand cupped your breast, a small moan slipping your mouth as you squeezed. Your fingers left your core to traverse up and twist your nipple, gently. When you let out a sigh at feeling some sort of relief, you twisted with purpose, a sound of surprise leaving your mouth when the pain gave way to pleasure. Fondling yourself, your eyes closed and all you could think about was Namjoon. Oh, how good it would feel to have him touch you like this. To have him see you like this.

Would his eyes darken with desire, would he get off at seeing you wanting him?

With this question in your hazy mind, your hand went back to your core, where you first pressed your pointer finger to your clit testingly. Sighing in pleasure, you drew tight circles with your pointer finger as your legs fell open. As the pleasure increased, another finger joined in rubbing your clit. Your back arched, hips stuttering, body seeking more pleasure. With one last sharp twist to your nipple, you dipped your fingers into your mouth. Your imagination went wild at the thought of your mouth being filled by anything. You pressed your fingers to your tongue, eyes watery, mouth sloppy, as you moaned at the thought of Namjoon filling your mouth with his fingers, or his dick.

The hand on your clit pressed harder, but when you knew you couldn't get off with just this, you whined, the sound garbled because of the fingers in your mouth. You thrust one finger into your core at once, feeling the wet heat of your walls, and started pumping it. After a few moments, another finger was added on the way in , and the stretch made you feel good. As you continued pressing in and out, your hips moving to almost ride your fingers, your moans building in volume, the hand in your mouth came down to knead your tits. Both hands messily covered in bodily fluids, hips chasing an orgasm, throat raw from whimpering, you truly felt filthy. When you closed your eyes, you could almost see Namjoon's sweaty face, you could almost hear his groans and feel his cock pounding away. It was this thought, which made your hips move faster, made your hand squeeze harder, and before you knew it, you were writhing and cumming and moaning his name.

Little did you know that the centre of your fantasies was on the other side of the wall, in bed, feeling shocked, aroused and guilty all at once.

You woke the next morning, feeling tired and sated. When you remembered what your body had yearned for, what you had done, you were ashamed. Sure Namjoon flirted with you here and there, but maybe he was just being kind and you were just an idiot who was attracted to him. He was sweet. And very fucking nice. Last night, it felt like you crossed a very big line, and you were pretty sure you couldn't look him in the eye anymore.

After having breakfast, when you were working on laying out the plot for your next documentary project, the doorbell rang. You were pretty sure none of your friends had said they were coming over, so you were wondering who it could be as you opened the door.

Oh. Namjoon.

Your face flushed as you remembered your actions last night. You cleared your throat and smiled.

"H-hey, good morning."

When he didn't say anything, you brought your gaze up to his face, and realised where his eyes were. So, someone else is doing the ogling now. When his eyes met yours, they widened, and he cleared his throat and said,

"Hi, I was wondering if we could talk?"

Confused at his vague statement, you nodded your head. You opened the door wider, gesturing for him to get in. When he closed the door behind him, you turned to walk further inside but a hand gripped yours and yanked. Your yelp of surprise was covered by the thud you made when you were caged against the door, by Namjoon.

What the fuck. Just. Happened.

His foreams rested on either side of your head, one of his hands still holding your wrist. Looking at his face, you could only conclude that he looked wild.

Feral.

"Hey sweetheart, have fun last night?"

His low baritone sent electricity dancing up your spine, arousal stirring in your gut. But when you registered what he actually said, your blood ran cold. How did he know what you were up to last night?

As if he could read your mind, he continued, "You know, the walls are pretty thin. At first I didn't want to listen to your lovely sounds. I thought you were with someone, felt like I was being a pervert, you know? But as you went on, moaned my name, I realised what it was. Little Miss Sunshine was getting off at the thought of me. How sexy. You know what I was going to do?"

With bated breath, head turned down, you wait for him to carry on. But when you realise he was wants you to speak, you meet his gaze and whisper, "What?"

"I wanted to come here and show you how I would do it. Let you take care of the problem you gave me. You would have loved that, right?" His eyes twinkle with mirth and lust, a challenge on his lips.

It's now or never.

You surge forward and kiss the smirk right off of his stupidly attractive face. After a moment of shock, his pillowy lips start kissing you back, body coming impossibly close to yours. His hands trail down and wind around your waist, pressing your lower half to him. When his mouth parts from yours, warm breath filling the space between you, your hand grips his jaw, turning it the other way as you kiss his neck. When your kisses touch sensitive skin, his hands start roaming your body. One of the butterfly kisses you're trailing here and there turn into a hickey when you latch your mouth onto his skin and press you teeth in. The skin gives deliciously and you lave your tongue to sooth the throb. The hand on your ass squeezes as your mouth pops free from his neck, and you fall forward into him. His head dips to whisper in your ear,

"Take me to the bedroom baby."

Wobbly and inebriated, you pull away from him, and start walking towards your bedroom. As he walks in after you and comes closer, you put a hand on his chest and push. No words need to be exchanged as he stays where he is, and watches you get on the bed.

Tantalisingly, you grip your top and take it off, not once breaking eye contact with the man. His jaw ticks as he looks on, tongue teasing the inside of his cheek as you lay back, legs spreading, coqeuttishly batting your lashes at him. Your hands cup your breasts, squeezing them. When you grip one of your nipples and twist, head titling back, eyes closing and lips letting out a whimper, you feel him get on the bed, climbing his way to you. You want to close your legs, to try and save some semblance of integrity but he doesn't let you. He grips the back of your thighs, and urges you to wrap them around him. When he leans over you, you feel his hip press into yours, the onslaught of heat making you sigh. His hands urge you to leave your bosom and wrap around his neck, one of his hands brushing the hair out of your face. Tenderly, he holds your face and kisses you. Slowly, as if he's tasting you, devouring you. The thought you had last night, of him seeing you like this, makes a spark run through you and you grind your hips into his. At the sudden action, he moans into your mouth, the vibrations shaking up your core. He pulls away, fingers touching your face and asks,

"What do you want, baby?"

You contemplate while two of his fingers trace your lips, dipping in around your eager lips. When your tongue stroke his fingers, his eyes darken and he pushes his fingers deeper into your mouth, saliva coating them and making them wetter. As he feels the inside of your mouth, he says,

"Don't even wanna answer, huh? Just want something filling you up. Are you that desperate, doll?"

Of course your inability to form any thoughts, let alone words makes his eyes glint with lust, his fingers reaching the back of your throat with every thrust in. As your mouth opens wider to accommodate his fingers reaching deeper, your legs widen even more and you start grinding into him. He chuckles darkly, face hardening and says,

"Aww baby, just want to cum, don't you? Want someone to hold you down and fuck you stupid? But I haven't even done anything yet, and you're already writhing. You haven't even answered my question, such bad manners."

He ends his statement by thursting deeper, harder into your mouth, making even more drool spill over your chin, and leans down to catch one of your nipples into his mouth, and bite. You mewl, back arching off the bed and into him, tears brimming in your eyes. His tongue soothes your nipple as it swirls around it, and his fingers lessen their vigour in your mouth, stopping altogether and resting on the edge of your mouth. His face comes close to yours and he whispers,

"Tell me what you want, darling."

He patiently waits for you to come back to your senses, allowing the haze to clear from your mind. When you realise what he has said, you grind into him and say,

"Fuck me. Fuck me like you want to, like you've been wanting me."

The words make him crash his lips into yours, passion pushing him to take off your shorts. His wet hand leaves the side of your face marked with saliva and his tongue pushes into your mouth. When he tries to pulls away, you bite into his lower lip, and take it into your mouth. He stills manages to pull away from you, and sits up on his knees. Both of his palms come to rest on the inside of your thighs and massage the soft skin, eyes taking you in. He sighs and says, enamored,

"God, you look like a dream. You feel like a dream, and you sure taste like one."

Ironically, his words make you feel shy, given your state, and you whine out, "Just touch me already."

Your words make him smile, the devil incarnate, and he says, "But I did touch you, and I still am." His hands knead harder into your thighs, emphasising his statement.

You roll your eyes and huff, "If you don't fuck me soon, I'll do it myself, or get someone else to-"

Your words are cut off by a moan as he suddenly thrusts two of his fingers into you, body caging yours as his other hands comes to grasp your jaw into his hands, your mouth shutting up. The only sounds you let out are titillating whimpers. He speaks in your ear, voice darkening with dominance,

"For a slut moaning out my name last night, you sure talk a lot of shit. When I'm done with you, nobody will be able to make you feel this way baby."

When you clench around his fingers, eyes rolled back, he hisses, "Of course you like being called a whore. I shouldn't even be surprised. Desperate little minx."

He adds another finger, carefully thrusting it in and out of you, fingers slick. When your walls flutter and you moan at the stretch, he says, "Shit. Feels so good around my fingers. Can't wait to feel this pussy clenching and cumming on my cock. You want that babygirl?"

His fingers feel amazing inside of you. Longer than yours, hitting all the right spots, they make you want his cock even more. So when he asks you if you want his cock, you nod your head, which makes him loosen his grip on your jaw, and you open your mouth to let out a litany of whines, chanting "Please, please, please!"

His body straightens up again, and his fingers pull out of you. You lean up on your elbows as your eyes try and focus on him. And you see him take off his shirt, revealing toned caramel skin, almost glowing as his muscles move with him. Your mouth waters when you see his pecs, firm and strong, with nipples that are just asking to be latched onto. As he moves to take off his pants, pulling out a square foil packet from one of the pockets, your eyes focus on his bulging biceps and then his bulging thighs, and you just want to take a damn bite. You don't know from where, but you want a bite.

Coming back to the present, away from your visions of biting into honey glazed skin, you see him tearing the packet and pulling the condom onto his dick. Oh shit. Oh god. Thats. You're going to die. You're going to ascend to heaven. His cock is just asking to be sat on. Its fucking perfect. Fuck. If you weren't so delirious right now, you would've let his fuck your mouth, nice and slow and then hard and fast. But you want that cock inside of you. Now.

When he puts the condom on and strokes his dick a few times, eyes trailing up to your face, he smirks in satisfaction when he realises you kept looking at him.

"See something you like?"

"I'm seeing everything I fucking like, but if you don't fuck me right now, I'll make you watch me fuck myself."

He gets on the bed as you say this, grips your legs and yanks you to him. Eyes concentrated on your face, he says,

"As much as I would love to do that, right now, I have something else on my mind."

You sigh in relief when you realise that, finally, you'll get what you want. Only when you're expecting him to enter you, he taps the tip of his dick on your clit. The shock makes you yelp, and he does it again, harder. One of his hands grip your waist and fingers dip inside your cunt, as he spreads your slick across the inside of your labia and starts moving his dick up and down, just rubbing onto your core.

Wound up and sensitive, you arch your back when you feel him so close, and you start begging.

"Please, I've been good. Please, Namjoon plea-"

He thrusts into you, just a little, but the force of it, and his sheer girth has you moaning. The stretch that you feel borders on pain, but you know it'll turn into pleasure soon enough. Your hands find purchase in the pillow above your head, legs spread wide around Namjoon as he thrusts deeper and deeper, still not completely fucking into you.

"Since you asked so nicely, I should give a slut what she wants, huh?"

His words make you moan louder, and you start saying, "Thank you, thank you, thank you, yes, please, thank you!"

"So now that you've got a cock in you, you've remembered your manners?" His voice remains unbothered as his hips work harder to piston into you, your body getting used to him and allowing him to get deeper.

You don't answer him, his movements forcing out a staccato of moans from your mouth. When his hipbones finally touch yours, and he sheaths himself completely into you on one particular thrust, you moan so loud, youre pretty sure the whole floor heard it.

After that, his ministrations get a little bolder, his thrusts get faster, his groans get louder and his hands on your body squeeze harder. When one of your hands creep down to touch yourself, he smacks it lightly and says,

"You're not cumming like this baby. Don't you wanna be on my cock like a little slut, letting me take you from the back?"

You nod your head and say please, fingers coming up to play with your nipples instead. Namjoon slows his thrusts and pulls out completely, flipping you over, hands urging you to get on your knees. When you shakily get on your knees and arch your back, elbows supporting your upper body, you feel Namjoon get behind you, smoothing a hands down your back. Then his hands grip your waist, thumbs touching the dimples in your back and he fucks into you in one quick motion. Its like a dam breaks inside you, as you start downright wailing and cursing, hips moving in tandem as the head of his cock hitting your g-spot with every thrust, slick walls fluttering around him.

"Fuck! Fuck yes! Right there, yes, yes, yes, oh God, yes!"

Your voice eggs him on, hips gaining momentum, thighs straining to give you what you want. One of his hands push your head down into the mattress, as he says,

"Looking so beautiful baby, just like a good slut. You're taking me so well, making me feel so good."

When you start mewling, and he feels you start clenching around his dick, he moves the hand on your head to start rubbing your clit. The added stimulation makes you move your hips back onto his dick, chasing the relief that you can almost feel on your fingertips.

"That's it. You gonna let go for me? Let me feel you cum on my cock baby, come on."

His voice, straining with control, mixed with the sound of your his hips slapping into yours, makes you clench and finally orgasm, back bowing and body coiling tight and then sagging as you let yourself go. His hips grind, and his fingers draw light circles on your clit to let you ride your high.

Once the bliss you feel wears off a little, and feel Namjoon still grinding into you, you turn your head to look at him, and you croak,

"Give it to me, please. Fuck me like a slut."

His pupils dilate, jaw ticking, and his hands find purchase on your body as he starts fucking into you in the earnest. The strength behind his thrusts makes your over sensitive core feel him even more, your cunt gripping onto him tight.

When he feels your warm wet heat enveloping his cock, his hips lose momentum as he chases his peak. You start moaning out, "Cum for me Joon, please baby, come on, give it to me, fuck, please!"

Its those words spoken out in your sweet, lust laden voice which pushes him over the edge, and you feel warmth fill you as he cums into the condom inside you.

He slumps over your body, arms still holding your hips, warm breath now hitting your neck. You wince a little as he gets off of you after a moment and pulls out of you. You turn over, body sore and sated as you look at him tie off the condom and throw it in the bin on your bedside.

His body still glistens like a glazed donut, face glowing and smile blinding as he turns to look at you and climb on the bed to cage you in his arms once more. In the most shy voice, he says,

"Hi sweetheart. How you feeling?"

Your cheeks redden as you hear his voice, soft and filling with adoration. You try to keep your voice strong as you reply,

"Like I got fucked four ways to sunday. You fuck like a damn beast. How the hell are you smiling at me like this right now?"

He laughs, "Fucking you four ways to Sunday can be arranged, maybe we can add a few more ways? And I just had sex with someone I've been crushing on. Please allow me to feel the sweet joy envelope me."

For a second, your eyes widen at his words, but as you feel him nuzzle into you, naked body now resting beside you, arm thrown over your torso, you can't help but let the happiness seep into your voice as you say,

"I think I can allow that."

[jinxthequeergirl]

Dream Come True

Steve harrington x Hopper! Reader (coraline AU)

Summary: escaping your everyday life after you move to live with your father couldn't have been something you wanted more, luckily for you you are given the chance

Warning: swearing, Horror themes like idk It's Coraline i think that speaks for itself no?

So i don't know if im going to end up making this a series or not but hey if this does really well then I might, but just this is so long so i might have to.

~~~~~

In front of you sat a small box with many opportunities, two small glossy black buttons, thread and the promise of freedom...

You watched the rain drops race down the window intently as your father drove you home from the headwear store. you'd only been In Hawkins for only half a month, having to move there with your father after your mom died. And you had only spent the time unpacking, today you had finally convinced your dad to take you to get supplies so you could really make your new rooms more like you.

The car bounced slightly causing your head to lift and hit the window. "Ow!"

"Sorry pot hole..." Hopper said glancing over to you. "You alright?"

"Yea...but guess it takes a while to figure out if you have brain damage or not.." You muttered sitting straight in the car seat, crossing your arms over your chest.

"C'mon don't be that way...you get to redecorate your room..that must be exciting for you? Give you something to do while we wait for the rain to clear up. "I guess..." You perked up at a new idea popping into your head.

"Maybe I can start a garden in the front too? Make it look pretty? I have a garden box so we wouldn't need anything, el can help me too!?" You said almost as a question seeing if he would go along with the idea.

"Sure... Sounds good, just wait till the rain clears up so you aren't bringing mud in." You frowned lightly, ut had been raining for the past three days without any sign of stopping soon. "Yea...sure."

The car came to a slow stop infront of the house. "I'll help you get this stuff inside and make you lunch but I've got to go back to work." You nodded as you got out of the car.

You'd begun by rearanging the few things of furniture in the room,while hopper set to work at making you a lunch. You starting with the dresser dragging it across the room to set it in its new place.

You dusted off your hands and turned your attention to look at the new space you made, stopping once it was caught by something on the wall where the dresser once was.

"Hello..." You slid across the floor and dragged your fingers across the outline of a small door in the wall.

"Hey Dad!?" You yelled getting up to look for him. "Whats up?"

"What this?" You asked now running your finger over the key hole. "Do you have the key!?" You asked hopefully turing to look up at him in the dokr way. He shook his head and shrugged. "I...maybe? I'm not sure...if i did it's probably boared up! They're would be no point."

You rolled your eyes. "Now Food in on the counter your sister is with Mike so make sure to call in about an hour to check on her-"

"Can you please look for a key?" You cut in. He sighed pinching the bridge of his nose. "I can, but I'm late so just finish unpacking and setting up and I'll look for it when I come back." You huffed but nodded and started to finish setting up your room.

After about an hour and a half you'd finished painting, unpacking and decorating your room, you had finished. Even had lunch and called El just like hopper had asked. Now you simpily sat in your room staring at the photo of your previous bestfriends that sat on the bedside table.

Back in New York with your mom you never had to worry about being bored, all your friends where their and there where places to go. Hawkins was diffrent, granted you where still adjusting but that didn't make it any less difficult.

The phone rang snapping you of of your thoughts. You hustled across the house to puck it up. "Hello?"

"Y/n! Thank god you picked up! Just the girl I was looking for!"

"Hey Robin,whats up?"

"Not much, I was just wondering since the rains cleared up would you be intrested in taking a tour of Hawkins with me and Steve?"

You thought about it for a moment, The first day you'd mobed here and met everyone they where the two you'd hit it off with, well You did with Robin anyways so you didn't see why you couldn't get out.

"Yea...I'd love to!"

"Cool! We'll be there in a few."

"So what does one do around here?" You asked following beside Robin And Steve down the sidewalk. "Well there's the arcade... " steve started but quickly trailed off. "There are some shops around town." Robin added.

"Is there like, i dunno a mall maybe? A movie theater at least?"

"Movie theater yes, mall not so much."

"It a...it burned down." Steve informed. "Oh...wow..." You followed them through town, going in and out of every store that was open.

"So Steve...." You attempted to start while looking through a clothing Rack in a thrift store.

"Got a girlfriend?"

"Uh no..no ya know I'm kinda just testing the waters...seeing if theres anyone worth dating around here."

"And?" You asked not looking up at him, you could clearly tell he was trying to act cool around you.

"And?" He repeated your question.

"Is there?...anyone worth dating around here?"

"Nah none that are really my type." He said nonchalantly fixing his hair in the mirror across from him. "Wow...are you always this increadibly douchie? Or are you like this just for me?" You asked leaning on clothing rack to look at him better.

"What I'm not...I'm not being-"

"You kinda where Harrington." Robin said from across the store earing a chuckle from you. His face flushed and he pretened to look at a jacket that seemingly caught his attention. "Ah don't be that way stevie...it's sooo charming, I'm practically swooning for you." You said sarcastically. "Shut up!"

The sun was hanging low through the trees casting that late afternoon orange glow upon the three of you as you walked back home.

"This place is...pretty boring...how do you guys manage?"

"Hawkins isn't all bad...besides It's a lot more exciting than you would think." Robin said while offering you some of her candy. "You just gotta...know where to look."

"Sometimes the intresting things find you." Steve said stopping once your house came into view. "If you say so...thanks for showing me around."

"No problem, maybe we can hang out again soon." She offered as you started to continue forward. "Yea! That would be great!" They both waved to you as you stepped into the house shutting the door.

You placed a few of the nick nacks you'd bought onto the top of your dresser for decoration, glancing at something that wasn't there before. A glossy black key.

You plucked it from its spot on the dresser and turned to the small door quickly slidding across the floor once again to get to the door. You hestitantly dragged the key across the outline of the door ripping the wall paper open before slipping the key inside.

It slid in perfectly, giving you some sort of relife as it clicked open, you pulled it open being met with nithing but brick.

"Damn..." You huffed and shut the door and placed the key back ontop of the dresser.

Something yanked you from your sleep suddenly and you lied awake, a sliver of silver moonlight hitting your face through the curtains as you did so.

It was quiet as you lied there except for an ever so faint sound of humming that you just barrely missed. You stayed still fir a second trying to pin point the sound, it continued for a while as you did so softly floating through the air from an unknown source, you finally gave in and tossed the covers off and stood up from your bed moving around the room to find it stopping when your foot hit something on the ground.

"What the hell!?" Jumping back slightly at the contact you looked down seeing a long greyish green vine across your bedroom floor. "What the hell..." You repeared examining it closer you followed it with your gaze seeing it came from the small opening of the little door a slight glow came from it along with little white particals that floated up into the air around it.

You moved carefully over to it kneeling next to it careful to avoide the vine protruding from it, as you did you could hear the humming closer now. You pulled the door open getting a blast of air blown back into your face along with a bright glow. You gasped slightly watching a tunnle appear almost instantly infront of you.

The humming slightly louder now. With out a second thought you climbed through, eventually met with another door which you easily pushed open and found yourself crawling through only to see you'd cralwed back into your bedroom. "Huh?" The humming was louder, unmistakable too, you knew that song. You looked at your bedroom door seeing the light from the living room shining in.

"Dad!?" You stood up and exited the room being greeted by the smell of food cooking. "Dad? What are you do-" you stopped a few feet from the counter seeing him move around the kitchen

"Hey sweet pea! You're just in time for dinner!" You gulped thickly when he turned to face you. "Oh god...I must be mistaken...you aren't my dad...my dad-" it was him but, diffrent. He seemed plaer yet more lively.

"Doesn't cook?" He asked guesturing to the freshly cooked meal. You couldn't help but stumble back a little bit as he approached you with a light hearted laugh. "Well thats because I'm your other father dear! Well better father"

"Other...Father?...wha-"

"Why don't you get your mom and Tell her dinner is ready!"

"Mom?

"Well your Mother of course silly! I actually think she's in the garden out front." He pushed you forward lightly and you glanced back cautiously before going to the front door.

You opened the door and stepped outside being greeted by a beautifully bright garden. "Holy sh-"

"Watch your mouth young lady!" You jumped turning tonthe voice and and gulping.

"Oh my god....mom!?" You stopped and covered your mouth feeling tears briming in your eyes.

"Hello sweet pea!" She opened her arms and you instantly ran to her and hugged her. You could tell just like with your father she was diffrent but couldn't exactly tell whatbwas diffrent.

"You...your alive!"

"Well of course I am! Oh come look at this!"

She pulled away taking your hand and pulling you down the steps of the pourch into the flower filled front yard.

She held your shoulders as you watched the flowers practically bloom before you. "I planted them just this afternoon! Our faviorte!" It was true the flowers before you where always both you and your mothers faviorte.

"They're beautiful mom! Oh!" You turned to her with a smile. "Dad said dinner was ready and sent me to get you."

"Oh! We don't wanna keep him waiting!" She said giggling with you and guiding you back to the house.

"There they are!" Hopper yelled setting the last of the food on the table. "Thirsty?" Your mom asked as you sat down. "Mmm you know I could go for a purple cow!"

"Coming right up!" She knocked on the table lightly the lights above lowered themselves offering you said drink, along with extra grape soda and vanilla icecream just incase.

"Wow thank you!" You said taking the drink and extras. Hopper placed a plate infront of you. "Here comes the Gravey train choochoo!" You mom said earning a laugh from both you and your dad.

A toy train in fact made its way across the table stopping infront of you to dump gravey on your plate.

"Mmh! This is so good!" Youbsaid stuffing your mouth full of food. "More?" Hopper asked.

"No thank you I'm stuffed." You said leaning back and taking a last sip of your icecream float.

Hopper took the plate from you and your mother placed a cake before you that read 'Welcome home'

"Home?"

"We've been expecting you for a while!" Hopper said.

"Wow...uh..really?"

"Of course! You beling here! With your family!"

You smiled lightly.

"Thanks...but It's late...I should go to bed.."

"Oh of course!" You stood up and they both followed you to your bedroom. You crawled into bed and they took turns kissing your forhead and wishing you a goodnight. You slowly drifted off to sleep peacefully.

"It was so weird!" You said throwing a rock into the water infront of you.

"Well it was just a dream, nothing to freak about." Robin shrugged.

"Yea I mean your mom was there it couldn't have been real..."

You and robin both glared at Steve. "I...well thats not what I meant..." He gulped slinging his own rock into the water.

"He's right though." You said softly. "But it just...it felt so real! The food the...feeling! But I woke up and the door was all bricked up again..."

"That's just further proof it was only a dream." Robin said as you sat beside her.

"Yea..." It was already late afternoon and you had decided to stay out until the sun had set well into night.

Steve had dropped robin off at her house and so you sat alone with him in his car as he took you home.

"Sorry about what i said...about your mom..."

He said finally. "No...it's ok...like i said you where right...it's just a dream..." He frowned slightly, you could tell he was beating himself up about it.

In all honestly you hadn't gotten off on the best of feet with him but it's wasn't so awful to be around him, he just had a hard time telling when to open his mouth and when to keep it shut. But you liked him.

"Well here we are." He said pulling up to the house. "Thank." You said with a smile before getting out and going inside.

"Hey kid!" Hopper said happily as you stepped inside.

"Hey!" You smiled. "Oh hey, sorry I never got around to finding that key for you."

"Thats ok I found it"

El stood in the door way with a concerned look. "What are you-" you hurried to your room and pulled the key out and showed him.

"You where right though...there was nothing there." You shrugged going back to your room.

"Bad place." You jumped at El's voice behind you. "What?"

"Don't keep going there it's a bad place..." She said quietly. "What bad place?"

"El! Its Mike's on the phone!" El quickly left to take the phone.

"Bad place?..."

[babieyangs-moved]

oh i see, that's nice! i hope you like the volunteering work! i hope everything goes well with the other positions you applied for <3

it seems things are VERY different here and there tho XD here in brazil there has been..... To sim up, a Mess. and we could have had the vaccine waaay earlier because we had invitations for it, but the president just ignored it lol but anyways things are going now (slowly, but still) and i think i'll get vaccinated soon if everything goes well (not because of age because that's still going to take some time, i'll probably get vaccinated because i work with education OR because i have a psychiatric report bc of anxiety etc).

i can't believe asthma doesnt count there. i'm so sorry :( here in brazil people with asthma are already being vaccinated. that sucks. even people with some psychological conditions... guess not everything is that bad here.

i've been listening to some news from there and seems like everything was going pretty well but now some cases have been reappering? i hope everything gets better there soon :( and i hope you can get vaccinated soon, too :(

oh that's nice that you speak spanish! thats definitely a reason to watch tho xD when i was learning german i tried to watch dark..... never happened because i could only understand like 15 words lmao

hahahaha really?? i haven't watched queendom nor rtk (although i do wanna watch the last one) i'm too curious to just keep seeing things on my dash afshfkxcnjv also i enjoy watching because it made me feel vvv affectionate towards all groups, even the ones i don't know well afhcdfd

and the untamed is veeery nice!! i understand the amount of Zero things in the first 3 episodes lmao but it was worth it, it's very nice and comforting?? idk i like to watch it to get relaxed dsjfhds

and I'm okay! just a little crazy cause I'm moving back to the city I used to live before the pandemic began (I came back to live with my parents and I got stuck here ever since) so there's a lot to do! but im happy to go back ✨✨

thank you so much <3 i have an interview on tuesday for one retail position and i should be getting an email soon abt another :D and yeah i remember seeing Brazil on the news a lot at the beginning of the pandemic but glad to hear its slowly getting there <3 i hope you're able to get your vaccine soon..

i think here you can get it for psychological reasons as well.. and like most pre-existing conditions count but yeah last time i checked asthma doesnt count which is just so odd but i'll have to ask next time i see the gp just in case its changed or if theres some other way i can get it early bc i also have autoimmune issues... and yeah there's been cases on the east coast (i live on the other side of the country so im okay here for now).. but its rly just to do w the hotel quarantine system having issues here and the slow vaccination rate so i think theyre trying to make some improvements in both areas

i still watch it with subtitles bc im lazy but its good to mostly understand it bc my mom speaks spanish to me daily but also me trying to watch kdramas and then my attention span making me switch tabs and missing like 90% of the dialogue bc i dont understand without subtitles ahhah

i never watch any of these reality competition programs so i just either follow by people liveblogging on the dash/content creators.. and then i'll watch the performance videos on yt without context or compilations clips.. but yeah i felt like rtk especially made me pay attention to some new to me groups which was nice

[gendryw4ters-blog]

Haha, tbh, I check up on this blog at least once a day, and atm, I'm about to have dinner, but I'll give them a listen and let you know! Also, if you want to call me something else, I've been trying to go by Rae, so you can call me that or stick with Spotify Anon!

im gonna answer all of the messages at once under the cut if thats okay!! and also! if there was a part four, i’m afraid it’s missing, so sorry about that!! 

This will be a series haha. Okay, so for Speirs: Nick Cave def fits, general “trying to be spooky” vibes which fits the image he likes, would be songs that aren’t like Dead Kennedys-style of punk, but maybe Catholic Discipline, can see artists like Leonard Cohen or Tom Waits, if theres a speirton list, I think stuff w/ Southern Gothic vibes would fit, even tho Lip’s is 80s pop, Black Sabbath seems a bit too heavy, St. James Infirmary Blues is very Speirs in terms of his overall vibe, (1/?)

as well as Red Right Hand and Down By The Water. I think Gimme Shelter is more of a Lew thing, just because of general vibes from the song and the band as a whole (Lew was once referred to as flamboyant, and that is the Stones most definitely). Roe: I am so biased, I love Joy Division and “Oats in the Water” is on so many of my own mixes. Late 80s to early 90s “alternative” music seems to fit well, “Fifty on our Foreheads” is a good example. (2/?) 

Oddly enough, I feel like The Police would be a good fit, like more along the lines of “Roxanne” than “Every Little Thing She Does” (which would be a good Roe/Renee song) Yo La Tengo could work as a band, like “Our Way To Fall”. ALSO BIASED BC I CANT STAND RADIOHEAD AND LOVE REM AND “SHINY HAPPY PEOPLE” IS A ROE THING OR AT LEAST SOMEONES!!! “Zombie” is also something that fits on “sad and dark, but still on the lighter side” (3/?)

-Speirs and Roe’s are similar in tone of styles, but Speirs’ is the slightly darker version; roe’s is more of fun and slightly pop-ish. Like Roe is outwardly more likely to be into upbeat things so more upbeat songs, while with Speirs, its one or two slipped in, so you get the hint, but it’s not in your face. This is for Roe and Speirs, and I’ll try to cover more tomorrow. I know I’ll be thinking about Lew’s and Lip’s, so is there anything specific you’re looking for feedback on? (5/5) -S.A.

aaaah oh man. oh man this is soo cool thank you so much!! Leonard Cohen is someone I did kind of think about with Speirs actually- there’s something about him and Cave that’s sort of... Haunting, to me?? Which suits him, I think. And as for the Black Sabbath thing, yeah, I think in retrospect with both Paranoid and Gimme Shelter I got all caught up in the “dystopian horror game” vibes instead of thinking about Speirs himself. Gimme Shelter is definitely more of a Lew thing, it fits both the kind of Dad rock and the kind of cool and flamboyant vibes like you were saying.

Roe!! Is one of my favourite lists actually, and I think I always had him down as kind of Ben Howard-y but it was a fanvid using Oats that really solidified that for me (this one!!). I do super love the alternative 80s/90s kind of style for him, and White Lies are also very Gene to me too (Fifty On Our Foreheads especially, but also some of the much darker ones that I didn’t include, such as To Lose My Life and Unfinished Business). There’s also a lot of scope to dip in and out of Toye’s list with Roe in mind- with the likes of Interpol and The Smiths I think. The relationships between lists is a whole ‘nother ballgame though, I’d be here for days if I started to get into that ahaha

WHY CAN’T YOU STAND RADIOHEAD? it’s not beef im just curious- cause i mean, i was adamant i would hate them for a long time because i wasnt keen on the fanbase or the kind of godly tier thom yorke had been elevated to by them, but they’ve actually grown on me a lot (through a combination of westworld and @ralphspina​, i think) and plus i feel like the kind of loner-ish vibes suit Roe in a way. but!! i respect that everyone has their own tastes and things so it’s all good

Lip has Shiny Happy People actually! Buuut I do feel like it could have been Roe if id taken a different kind of route with him in terms of sounds (like, if i had stuck to lyrics more than general aesthetic, if that makes sense) 

and yeees the connection between speirs and roe is something i love a lot, and i think you summarised a lot of that connection super succinctly in what you said there. speirs CAN be fun but its a lot more covert i think. i don’t know if you ever saw my young speirs breakdown but that kind of was me trying to give a little insight into how he came to acquire the vibes he has today

ALSO!! i promise you dont have to give any feedback at all really if youre ever busy or dont wanna but i appreciate it loads oh gosh and honestly anything you have to say on them is like!! i love it a lot because music is a big thing for me and i love getting other people’s views on the matter a whole big lot, so thank you so so so much for this!!

ANOTHER ALSO: a while back you asked about things i would have done differently, with a specific nod towards skip/penk and their more fun and musical list. im probably not gonna make a whole big bunch of changes to that list as it stands, however i have made another list for them that you can find here that focuses more on their at home/relaxed kind of music!! if that’s your kinda thing x