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#theres just SO MUCH. And i can't view properties easily bc of work so im missing out on multiple places that ive been contacting
steampoweredskeleton
ยท
22 days
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#delete later
#im so exhausted and stressed. theres such a lack of stability and its freaking me out SO much. im just constantly tense and waiting
#for something terrible to happen. im starting to think that im not gonna get to go to the entomology thing ive been hoping
#how i can't do things independently and i must have been forced into this abd rhen it'll get cruel towards my friends abd i cant
#and my aunt is getting worse abd my parents are waiting for me to fail abd have to move bsck with them which i can't do bc
#to go to for months bc ill probably need to use that time off for preparing to move. which sucks. ive been looking forward to it
#i was letting myself get my hopes up and that was a mistake bc now im rly disappointed. im hoping i can go but honestly
#idk if it'd be financially responsible. same with comic con. its in october so i can probably go but it might not be a financially
#good idea. it just. the things i was counting on to be stable sources of joy are not stable anymore and that's making everything worse
#and im tryinh to be positive but im so anxious. theres just so much. i need to think about packing and try to figure out
#how im going to move 1-2 hours away. how am i going to coordinate with movers whilst having to get the train to meet them
#im disabled and cabt help move things so only getting one person ro deliver worries me. movers arent insured to take ppl with them
#theres just SO MUCH. And i can't view properties easily bc of work so im missing out on multiple places that ive been contacting
#ppl about abd i couldnt line up enough for last week when i was off bc it was too short notice and i just. its TOO MUCH TOO MUCH
#im overwhelmed. im trying to think of the food im gonna cook when im there ahd the armchair im gonna buy
#im gonna eat so much fucking lamb and fish oh ny god im excited for THAT
#i wany to just go for the shittiest place to at least have some stability and bc i still have yhat kernel of thought that i dont
#deserve comfort but im trying to fight it bc i do. i deserve somewhere nice and its unfair on myself not to find somewhere nice
#especially as ill be living alone. i cant go for places that have no natural light or are four stories up or are a mile away from the train
#station bc that will wreck my mental health and i wont have ready access to socialising that can stabilise me. gotta be fair
#to myself. but THATS PROVING REAL DIFFICULT
#im doing good saving though so thats nice i guess. fuck me moving is expensive. moving when you've got zero kitchen supplies is
#even more so. gonna be an Interesting first couple days in the new place.
#it will be. very bad. they keep texting me asking about it and i have to be positive bc otherwise itll become a conversation about
#field all that shit when im like this. i just cant. that requires so much fucking energy i dont have. and i wont move back
#id frankly rather die. and trying to not say that and decline politely sucks. bc they get the look of
#oh we're not good enough huh
#and i can't field their fucking feelings. i either need a pause button or a fast forward. id take either one
#so many of these tags ended up out of order whoops. but these arent meant to be read anyway
#i just need to scream bc idk what else to do
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