#theres also a bunch of other stuff i know happened but cant remember that proves my point Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[nicepersondisorder]

never understood people's displeasure when they say "treat others the way you want to be treated" and i actually treat them the way i want to be treated. you asked for this??? hello????

[msallurea]

Yall😭...somebody's manifesting me 😕 idk when, where, how or who u even are but I just KNOW like I can feel it it's insane actually but whoever u are could ya stop?? Or like take a lil day break or something 😭Yo affirmations been stuck in my head all damn week your name just keeps being blurry in my head everytime i get to the "i am in love with ..." and thats it BOY WHO ARE U???😭 and ehats crazy is literally the past 3 nights I fell asleep and had a dream where when we meet and come together it'll be when we both have a major success story so we probably manifested our dream lives at the same time...but like we knew each other a little before that?? 😭 and then we just end up together like?? 💀 biggest give away tho was mid dream before I wake up we're on live explaining how we manifested our dream lives to ppl in the loa community mid live he basically says "i manifested you" LIKE WAIT WHAT? 😭and I kid u not @luckykiwiii101 says verbatim "they are the husband and wife of the loa community" when she reposts our success story 😭😭 and then her saying that made it end up being a whole ass trend or like "moment" in the community that just kinda remembered forever it almost caused a surge into tumblr cuz of it💀(btw in this dream I'd like the mention that she along with @matheoxs along with a few others as well as a SHIT TON OF ANONS and i mean like anons who had doubts so bad they was on the verge of givin up also manifested there desires a little around the same time as well and more males were being recognized in the loa community, all loa blogs were just flooded with major success stories some even felt more comfortable to post theres after i did what i did and a bunch of other stuff yall it was crazy like i cant 😭) and then it ends off like me proving my point in the community where like the success stories kinda fix the doubts of doubters here cuz me and the guy happen to both ended up manifesting being worldwide famous since that was something we wanted before even knowing each other (now that IS on my list for ME individually) and we have like photo and vid evidence and then it doubles down when others in the community shows that its true and then it takes like years and years for ppl who dont know the law at all to actually believe that we manifested our fame but like the community gave up trying to prove to outsiders it was true so we just started gatekeepers again💀 and all i give as a hint to the public is "we create our realities" and leave it there like a "ifykyk" moment😭😭😭 but like also during the dream i did kinda fuck up the community 💔 because I ended up turning it into like a staple thing to post photos and "evidence" of your manifestations especially if it's like dramatically changing such as your entire dream life or appearance (btw if this really does happen and it wasn't just a dream I wanna apologize in advance yall pls don't be posting your lives and manifestations if you don't want to keep it where its at TO YOURSELF😭💔)...yall me having a sp isn't on my list at all😭😭😭 WHO IS THIS NIGGA??? 💀 like keep cooking..BUT WHO ARE YOU??? 😭😭

[keefwho]

August 19

12:00 PM

I just need to stop, I can’t take this anxiety. I literally am too tired to deal with it right now. I want it all to stop. Its so STUPID, none of it makes any sense. It’s a bunch of broken thought processes. That makes it all the more irritating. 

1:58 PM

I’ve got a challenge ahead of me, I can do this. I want to break free from this constant worry. Remember that I keep expecting the worse, but nothing should be as bad as I imagine it. It’ll be a normal week going forward. The people in the area are probably normal people and don’t even know it might storm or simply don’t care. They don’t obsess over this like I do. What I do is abnormal, I aim to be like all these other people. They put into perspective that my worry is unfounded. SO many people don’t think about this kind of thing daily so it must not be a big deal. I’m okay, I’m healthy and that’s normal. It’s normal to find distractions to pass the time. I don’t have to monitor my stomach, it does me no good. I should be focusing on things I like to do. 

I might be lonely this weekend but that’s okay too. I shouldn’t be, I can always hop on VR with other people. And I can still message my friends. I feel like I puppy left home alone right now. Maybe because while I CAN hang out with other people, I can’t just start approaching them with my problems. I don’t feel the same kind of comfort around them as I do my bestest friends. 

Remember not to expect the worst, expect neutral. 

Also remember that even though having and actual stomach virus would be miserable, it’s almost impossible I could get one right now. It’s very rare as it is for people that actually go outside. I’m completely safe, and I’d know if I had something that bad. 

2:24 PM

I keep thinking that I’ve gotten worse over time but I think it might just be that I’m aware of it. I’ve always had these kinds of feelings but the difference before is that I would avoid them so much. Now I’m not avoiding them at all and I’m finding that they are much more present than I thought. 

4:21 PM

How do I know if I’m being too much to my friends. How can I tell if I’m not wanted. I don’t think I can. Sometimes people don’t speak up and will keep putting up with you. I don’t want to bother anybody. 

I’ll try to be brave. No one else should have to deal with me dumping my problems on them without asking. 

4:54 PM

I don’t know why I feel like this today. I just want to lay down, cry, and stop existing. Everything is so hard these days and I don’t even have a light at the end of the tunnel I’m fighting for. Everything is uncertain. I feel alone through all of it. 

6:32 PM

Time for more shameful documentation of my actual insanity. Neck hurts, tummy rumbles, I get scared for no reason. I submitted for a bit and napped while balled up in my hoodie in my chair. Woke up, took my temperature, it’s totally normal. I gotta remember it’s basically impossible to be sick, so stop thinking about it. Being healthy is normal, the evidence is all around me. AND I can still feel healthy and feel like shit. My neck still hurts and the nap made it worse. Sure I don’t feel perfectly great but I feel okay and thats normal behavior. No matter how I feel, realistically nothing terrible will happen in the near future. I will NOT get sick, and the storms will likely be weak. Its not the end of my life. All this will be over soon and things will go back to normal. 

My friends don’t hate me, their behavior proves otherwise. Someone that doesn’t want to be around me wouldn’t willingly be around me. 

I’m not a bad person, I’m just in a bad mood. I’ll probably feel better tomorrow. 

6:57 PM

Pretend no storms are gonna happen. Then what? Then Im just dealing with the usual and trying not to get too bored. It would be comforting not having to put up with even more stuff I cant control. I bet there wont even be any windy storms, theres barely been any word of their severity. Im worrying for nothing. Ill probably feel silly when its all over just like last time. 

Ive been deep in the anxiety. I don’t even know what I want. Who do I want to be and what do I want to do. I dont know, I just know I want to feel better. But then what? I’ll just be bored and go back to worrying because it’s the easiest thing to feel. 

I guess who I want to be right now is the guy that would look forward to drinking on a Friday night with literally anyone. And then doing something productive and creative when social time is over. I’d eat a lovely drunk dinner and go to bed. Im not sure if I can achieve that right now but its an idea to keep in mind at least. 

7:42 PM

Who even am I anymore. My fear has been ruling my life for weeks now. I’m not me, I’m a cocoon covered in my stupid problems. I’m not the guy that gets his work done and stands as a pillar on his own anymore. I’m a loser. I feel like every day I lose a little more personality. The dynamics with ALL my friends has changed and it’s all my fault. I HAVE to figure this shit out, I don’t want to slip any further. I miss what I used to be, I felt much more confident. Right now I feel confused as to why anyone bothers to be my friend. Or like the only reason anyone likes me is if I draw for them or something. I used to be more fun and do more things. These days I stick to whats comfortable because I’m afraid of slipping into a panic. 

9:26 PM

Still neck deep in this crisis. There’s so much to untangle I don’t even know where to start. Maybe I’ll rant about it later. Right now my eyes hurt and I need to be eating something. 

I’m all alone and no one is thinking about me. I’ve got no one but myself right now.

11:44 PM

I’ll try my best to not overthink things tomorrow and take the day as it comes. I’ll try to stay disciplined and act in ways that foster the kind of way I want to behave. 

There are so many problems to tackle, its best to do them one at a time. If I conquer my anxiety for a little bit and start to feel worthless or something, then so be it. Eliminated my anxiety is my first goal. Other things can come later. I think the biggest thing is acceptance. Acceptance that my fears COULD happen, but are not destined. Some things will always be out of my control, but others will stay in my control. I can only do what I’m able. 

12:05 PM

I think I’ve had my emotional time. I’ve kinda been going ham letting things spill out everywhere but it’s time to reign it in a little bit I think. Let it out more appropriately. I’ll try to distract myself more in the hopes that I won’t actually be DISTRACTING myself, but instead actually doing things that bring me meaning. 

[landofwordsandfrogs]

FUCK IT ITS ALMOST ELEVEN PM AND IM GOING TO ASNWER THIS SHIT

i love oc stuff and have no idea how to change this bold back to normal. anyway

LETS ANSWER QUESTIONS ABOUT AGNES CARDOSO, FROM AUDAZ !

Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with?

naw, but she is v close w her cousing armando. she basically raised him. <3

What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like? What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like?

her mom and dad died when she was seven. her father was a v bland, calm person, and mostly she slept on him and watched silly tv together. her mother was louder, more excited and demanding. agnes had a lot of live up to, was demanded a lot from her mom, but overall felt like she could do it and wanted to do it and shed make her proud!

Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know?

when she was seven, agnes was Hanging Out with aunt gabi when they got a call and aunt gabi, who never knew how to act with children, just took agnes with her. when they arrived at the place and agnes got out of the car, she saw both her parents dead and bloody in the street, along with another woman and two boys, while a crying vampire sat in the middle of all this. he begged her aunt to kill him, and she did.

On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets?

hmmmm. her cellphone would be in her pocket, cept its perpetually GLUED to her hand instead. pack of cigarettes and lighter. wallet, keys to her bike.

Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams? Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares?

agnes has like crazy insomnia, doesnt rly remember dreams and stuff. mostly about vampires, and blood, and killing vampires, and not being able to wash the blood off her hands.

Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target?

oh boy. yes agnes has about a million guns and shoots them a lot, bc shes a vampire hunter. first target was a feral vampire.

Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up?

naw. being part of an olden Hunting Family that basically runs an entire town gives a person TREMENDUOUS financial security.

Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing?

more clothing. agnes’ jacket is her armor.

In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been?

well, when she was seven, and she saw her parents dead on the hot alphalt. nothing would ever get to her while mommy and daddy were with her, except something did.

In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been?

well. agnes state of being is Stress, so. when she was < 7 yo ?? rofl

Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way?

not rly. its just that she cant get it out of her hands. its everywhere. she tries to wash it away, she does.

Does your character remember names or faces easier?

both? neither? agnes is perpetually surrounded by a bunch of people from the family and the city and her subordinates and the visiting Families and the neighboring Nest of vampires, so sheS GOTTA remember people.

Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not?

naw, see financial security above. mostly agnes has her jacket and her boots and her bike. shes got an entire wing inside the House but its very spartan. mostly empty. she doesnt have time to go out and buy things, much less decoration, doesnt have time for hobbies. in the beginning and middle of the story anyway

Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success?

iddealize? happiness. success is her middle name; shes the second of the cardoso hunting family and extremely competent; if the position werent by blood, she’d become head in the future anyway. but happiness?

agnes is unhappy. its something that she knows she wont achieve.

What was your character’s favorite toy as a child?

aw man idk. doesnt strike me as much of a “carries plushie around” child or anything

Is your character more likely to admire wisdom, or ambition in others?

hm. wisdom? ambition is cool, but mostly she feels like people can do what they want if they put enough effort in it. but shes extremely aggravated by slow or non-practical people, so i guess. wisdom ? so

What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before?

ah. ags is like. Extremely Practical. will argue incessantly forever when she thinks shes right, of course this is the right thing to do. also, she tends to take responsability for everything. everything. if the sun explodes agnes will be out in the backyard watching the explosion thikning, but i could have done something i should have noticed the sun was shining differently i should have tried to evacuate people etc etc etc

In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism?

compare? agnes doesnt compare herself to much, cept maybe her aunt, who she thinks is too dramatic and should be more practical like her so things would run more smoothly

If something tragic or negative happens to your character, do they believe they may have caused or deserved it, or are they quick to blame others?

takes responsabilty for everything even things that were literally impossibe for her to be at fault or know about at all.

What does your character like in other people?

she lieks people who understand her quielty and dont crowd her. she likes people who dont dance around stuff. she likes people who make things seem a little simpler, life a little less heavy.

What does your character dislike in other people?

being too dramatic. being prejudiced pricks. being too violent.

How quick is your character to trust someone else?

shell trust people with what theyve proven to her they can be trusted, no less no more.

How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person?

everyone is kinda sketchy until they prove themselves somehow. id say shes loyal to people who prove themselves to her, but honestly people are more loyal to her than she to them.

How does your character behave around children?

is never really around them? is friendly, tries to be nice? ultimately doesnt much know what to do. 

How does your character normally deal with confrontation?

shes the boss and youll do what shes fucking telling you to do.

How quick or slow is your character to resort to physical violence in a confrontation?

they get a warning that a punch is coming, and then a punch will come.

What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true?

nothing, really. agnes grew knowig that she’d be head after her mother, and then after her mom died she knew shed be the head after her aunt.

What does your character find repulsive or disgusting?

huh. ok, one thing i dont know.

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable.

its evening and shes in beatrices house. theres sunlight, and a breeze, and bia is planting flowers or collecting her berries or pulling out weeds. agnes is sitting by the big tree. their dogs are around them. theres nothing too pressing demanding that they go out and do things for a moment.

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable.

uncomfortable? hm. having to pretend to be Hetero

In the face of criticism, is your character defensive, self-deprecating, or willing to improve?

defensive and willing to improve. she did the right thing and youre wrong and now shes going to do an even better thing and youll be even wronger.

Is your character more likely to keep trying a solution/method that didn’t work the first time, or immediately move on to a different solution/method?

you move on. you move on and on and on until something works, because something will have to work, and we’ll have to deal until we get there.

How does your character behave around people they like?

nicknames. dry humor. smokes in their faces. being quiet in the same room.

How does your character behave around people they dislike?

depends. if its some subordinate or something like that, she wont hide. be better. she wants more from you, and youre an asshole. if it someone more “Important”, shell be polite, but mostly monosyllabic.

Is your character more concerned with defending their honor, or protecting their status?

uh, neither? as i said, status is kinda garanteed. kinda. and honor? she knows shes a black sheep. shes got too different beliefs from everyone around her. all she can do is what she can do, and it will have to be enough.

Is your character more likely to remove a problem/threat, or remove themselves from a problem/threat?

The problem will leave because she has no time for this shit.

Has your character ever been bitten by an animal? How were they affected (or unaffected)?

do feral vampires count. shes been bitten by them several times. many scars

How does your character treat people in service jobs?

politely. theyre doing their jobs, which is something she respects. everyones got a job to do.

Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first?

you must earn it, and even then you might not get it, and you have to live with this.

Has your character ever had a parental figure who was not related to them?

well, theres her uncle-by-marriage uncle al? so i gues him. he and her aunt took care of her after her parents died.

Has your character ever had a dependent figure who was not related to them?

SPOILER ALERT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yep in epilogue she kinda adopts two teens, a 15 yo and a 16 yo. kinda. mostly they live w her and bia and theyre more or less reponsible fo them.

How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it?

she doest say it without meaning it bc whats the point? doesnt feel the need to say it all that much, isnt a very touchy or romantic person. shell say if the person asks, or is the person says that they’d like to hear it more or smth.

What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them?

life starts and ends and that is that, and we have to do what we can while we are here.

[booksbroadwaybbc]

Don't know what to do with myself. via /r/selfimprovement

Don't know what to do with myself.

Hi. I'm 21 and still in community college, but I did get my provisional admission to this university I wanted to transfer to. I work as a runner at Din Tai Fung and I'm supposed to make bank, but I don't really know yet because I'm a new employee. Headtitle question at the bottom

I think I've lived an okay-ish life, kind of. story time, skip to the end if you dont wanna read it I come from a Korean family, can't say I remember much of my childhood except mostly being beaten and yelled at. There were good times too, but they usually ended prettily shittily. Moved around a bunch, went to a lot of schools. I've dealt with a lot of abusive stuff from both parents, but I'm not going to talk about my mom because things have gotten better and she's still here for me(?). For some extreme stuff- my dad broke my brothers toes in elementary school. In my senior year, he threatened me at knifepoint and forced it into my hands and told me to stab my brother or he would stab me. Beatings from him were pretty bad, and it's not just belts and sticks bad. I played co-ed baseball in 5th grade, so bam, there was that too. He liked to throw chairs and literally flip tables when he was angry (hes a private construction worker, so he's pretty strong). Broke a lot of his phones throwing them at us, the wall, the floor, whatever. Ive had a lot of problems with my social affairs in highschool- anxiety, being cold, being short tempered, aggressive, violent, sharp tongued. I started warming up in senior year because of this girl I dated, which was a pretty big deal because gays are not allowed in this household. And well, im bi but its the same thing to them. Can't say that went too well, because my brother found out and blackmailed me in the situation we were living in. But who cares, because siblings hate each other right? Anyways, broke up with her, broke her heart, treated her poorly and whatever two years later we made up and was able to be friends again. Back to dad- he was usually never around for things like elementary grad, middle school grad, and highschool- my mom made him come, but he sure didn't seem happy about it. In highschool, he only laid down on his phone playi ng his shitty phone games. Doesnt talk to me, doesnt talk to my brother, doesnt talk to my mom. His routine: wake up, go to work, come home, phone games, eat, phone games, sleep. If you try to talk to him, he ignores you. If you press it, he'll give you some boring answer like "go away already".

Anywho, that abusive fuck was caught cheating. Had an affair with a client's sister. Sold the house we lived in, mom moved to Newark, him to San Leandro. Mom didnt want to deal with me, so I got the boot and lived wjth acquaintances in Hayward. Couldnt afford it, so mom told me to move to San Leandro with him. I moved in with my best friend helping me and we saw the evidence. Bambam, hello lady clothing and shit. I went apeshit nuts and he tried to convince me, then threatened that I would be in big trouble if i said anything. (Parents were separated but not divorced). Alright, ill keep my big mouth shut.

I worked for his "girlfriend" at her cafe in Berkeley. Why? Well, it was easy money and i needed it to keep up with my shitty coping habits- partying and party favors, mostly e. You dont have to deal with stress if youre always out partying.

Anywho, fast forward, skip a lot of details. Mom gets a phone call one day from mutual acquaintance saying dad is sick and asks her to bring him some food. Alright. So she does because she still cares, and finds out the truth. Calls me and demands me to come right now and unlock the door- note that this is a 40 minute drive. By the time i get there, theres hella police and a window is broken and theres hella shit going on. Things settled down but being my immature ass i scream at my parents for both being immature, and they shouldve just cut things clean. I yell at my dad for being a fuckhead and cheating, you didnt raise a liar but you are one. I yell at my mom for being irresponsible and breaking things. Police grabs my shoulder but i swipe it off and bam. Im on the floor, face into concrete, chipped teeth and i cant even see where my dog is. Tbh i was more worried that he ran off because he was still a puppy and i was holding him during this whole ordeal. My glasses got knocked off my face when those two officers fucking bodyslammed me into the ground. I'm 5ft4, i weighed like 130 at this time but im just a legit smol asian girl.

What happened next? Well yknow, i got arrested and sent to jail for assaulting a police officer, nbd. Sat there for a few hours, listening to some psycho making weird noises. Finally get some call saying that my mom was waiting for me, and she bailed me out. She was crying a lot and told me that my dad didnt even bat an eye as they took me away, that he smiled and tried to fix his goddamn broken window. I believe it too, because I saw that shitty smirk on his face when i got to the scene. My mom has a bit of an uncontrollable temper so she looks psycho when the other person was the wack one. This was in January 2017.

Skip forward to the next police thing. June 2017. My mom demands that i pack all my shit and move back, and she wants to go with me. I plead no, but what am i gonna do against her? Alright, we drive and she starts saying stuff about lying and calls the bitch a slut and homewrecker and stuff, dad gets up to stand inbetween and stuff. Tells her to move than basically shoves her across the living room towards the door. **insert hysteria and bam again, screaming and each other, his hands on her, me trying to squeeze my body in between them and get his hands off of her. Doesnt really work cos he turns on me, hits me away and goes back to beat her. My screaming doesnt really help either, but i try what I can to claw his arms off of her. Nooooo, bad idea, but better me than her. He grabs me and my head is locked into his elbow so I bite down, arm. Baaaad idea again, but its in self defense imo. Im just trying to help my mom. He p much beats me up into a pulp her, grabs my shirt all the way up and yikes thats embarassing. The struggle goes on and eventually its calm again because slutface is like "honey staph"- note: only words and no actions to get close, buuuut, it works. Me and mom move to my room and start removing all my weebshit from the walls. Mom is muttering and saying a bunch of bs for him to hear and he storms into the room because hes fucking triggered and start the violence again. Oh but this is where i do the fun thing- i lunge myself at him so im like on top of him but holy shit, he legit pulls me off of him and throws me against the wall cabinets, and two hand chokes me, with his knees on my chest. Mom starts screaming at him, claws his face and soon the police are here and shit. Bitch called the police, and this is where it gets more fucked up. I legally live here, its on my license. I came back to move out, so its okay for me to be here, because i came to pack my stuff and take whats mine. So why exactly did the police not believe me? Why did my mom get arrested for putting dumb scratches on his face when he beat us, with pictures - that day- to prove that he inflicted more wounds on us. We were just defending ourselves. He put his hands on us first. Anyways, that starts my worries cos im like. Im 20, but idk what to do. How do i find money to bail my mom out? How do i even do that in the first place? But i managed.

Anywho skip forward, jackass is no longer in my life, tho i have to deal with him through my brother from time to time. Parents officially divorced Feb 2018. I've lived with my mom, she bought a cafeteria for a little bit so I worked there. Things were really hard because my mom had a lot of pent up anger that she would take out on me. My brother moved out because he went to university so he didnt really have to deal with much. Im also the older child, so bam. Anyways, we fought a lot. A LOT LOT. Like apeshit crazylot. I took a lot of beatings. It was like the weekend before Christmas of 2017 where a took a huge beating and ran away from my problems by going to my now-ex's house. He offered me to move in with him and his family, so I did. I had the choice of going back to my moms lifestyle and attempt to make up, or trying to live a different life. I lived with him from like Christmas to March 2018. We started having a lot of problems because he regret inviting me, he wasnt ready to give up his personal space and I was done babysitting someone who was older than me. Doing his laundry, doing his dishes, cleaning his room. I was done with being bored, never going out, being ignored while he did the same thing my dad did. Sit on his phone and not speak a word. Yeah, there were good times too, but they seem so fleeting when it seeps in with your own personal trauma of being ignored. Btw- when i moved to his place, my brother moved back home to fill the gap, but my brother is better with dealing with my mom and she doesnt blow up at him.

After I moved back, it was better. Yeah, shit went down sometimes but i guess overall it was better? My mom cried a lot. I would hear her talk on the phone with her family members in Korea and cry about how she was tired of everything and didn't want to do it anymore. I know exactly how that feels. Well, in the later months of 2018, we got along better and havent really had those blowups. I tried my best to stay home more instead of going out at night because she hated it. I tried to be nicer to her and more compromising. She's in Korea rn and things suck. During the whole parents thing, it sucks to feel like your parents are passing you to each other likea toy they dont want. It sucks to not really feel familial love growing up, where mom is just doing things because shes supposed to and dad just flat out pretends you dont exist. It sucks that it takes two years of partying, drugs and cons to find out

Submitted October 31, 2018 at 10:33AM by xfirelily via reddit https://ift.tt/2CRsVBn