#there's other problems like trying to get back on my feet with anti anxiety meds and often feeling overwhelmed and doomed together havent

[solarisii]

.vent.

[bitegore]

stuntikitties! individual bits and thinkythoughts under the cut :D

Kittycat Drag Strip is about the fluffiest out of the entire batch of regular kitties, and he's very soft. He wants your attention and your love or else you HATE HIM FOREVER. How dare you leave the house. How dare you shut the bathroom door. If you try to pet any of the other kitties he will come over and bite your ankles. He's not even a good lap cat; he squirms too much. But he's very, very soft.

A friend of mine pointed out he could be a rare male dilute calico, which I think he'd like. Assigned rare coat color at "that would give your ego a boost, wouldn't it" XD

Dead End is the least fluffy and the sleekest out of all of them, but he's also the most well-groomed so his fur lays flat because he said so and he will die if it doesn't. He does not want to be touched, because don't you dare fuck up his fur. He spends an abnormal amount of time grooming himself on the daily.

By virtue of being the specialest boy on the planet (read: colorblind-ish) brown and maroon are the same to me even if they aren't to you. This is how I picked the colors for him. He's sort of a desaturated marooney color with stripes because I thought those marbled looking stripes were cool.

Wildrider is one of those cats who desperately wants into every single thing and loves problems. He will climb your curtains and he can jump ten feet in the air. He knows what (some) handles are and how to use them exclusively because he loves mischief. Will run by and steal chicken nuggets directly out of your hands and eat them. He is a horrible chaos goblin and he never gets the fuck out of sillymode and he is having so much fun. Good luck. At least he's fluffy, and affectionate when he's not biting your fingers because it's funny that you make noise.

When I did my (robot) Stunticon redesigns (that i also havent posted anywhere) I made Dead End and Wildrider sort of like the brighter and darker versions of each other. I made some attempt to make Wildrider look like if Dead End, the first one I drew, were fluffier and brighter colored... and then I went "wait, but wildrider is my stupid little punk baby and i like that he's red and black" and gave him some sort of little dark cape marking. I have no idea if that's a thing that happens to real cats, where they get like dark back/topline, but i think it works for him. Also he looks like a little tiger and I think that's cute. H

Breakdown is one of those cats that like desperately needs to be taken to a vet and prescribed kitty anti-anxiety meds. However it is also the only reason you haven't lost him yet because this is also the smartest fucking cat ever. He understands how every single kind of doorknob and every kind of lock works and he is probably capable of turning on the TV himself. If it weren't for the fact that he's terrified of Outside he would've just gone outside one day and come back later and you would be none the wiser unless you locked the door and he freaked out on your porch. He used to get into the cabinets and take food out to share with the other kitties but you put child locks on them and thought that was good because you didn't see it happen again until one day you tried to pull a plastic bag out from under the sink or something and found him napping inside the bag of treats. He will vanish for multiple days on end if strangers ring the doorbell and avoids mirrors like the plague.

full disclosure, i based his patterns off a friend's cat because I wanted him to be the most cute. But largely the thought process was something like "He has an orange face and little orange details but mostly he's blue so he should mostly be blue". Not very complicated. His little collar has a heart decal because i couldnt come up with anything else and I'd given Dead End a skull, so I wanted to give him a shape too. I gave up on that when I drew Drag Strip.

Motormaster is like a good forty pounds of cat and enormously fluffy. The only reason he's not a terrible chewed up tom with like one ear missing and scars everywhere is because you keep him indoors and he is not smart enough to figure out how to open the back door. (He did run out straight through the screen door one summer until you stopped having a screen though. He tried it with a glass door later. This did not work so well.) He has fur so deep you could lose your hand in it and a collar that is in fact lost in it. I had the most trouble transferring his design to kittycat because he's like. purple. But I think this worked out.

All five of them come from the same litter because I said so and I wanted them to look similar. That's why their stripes are basically the same, and why they all have such similar little white bits. Dead End and Drag Strip get visors on account of I Said So. They're all bonded to each other but they also all fight constantly and they are all just a little bit too clever for your own good. If you have the stunticats you cannot have nice things, this is just how it works.

[joestarwhore]

NSFW Yandere Josuke (18+) x Female reader

his little darling managed to escape her obsessive and derange boyfriend house while he was gone.

She trys to get help and does but the good samaritan is Jotaro who leads her back to Josuke thinking she was over reacting.

Josuke angry she escape he takes her back home and has idea to keep her safe and home by finally putting a ring on her

Like The Ocean Finds The Shore (NSFW 18+)

Authors Note: 18+ ONLY. if you’re a minor please find another blog, this writings and scripts are not written for your audience. thank you bb!

You didn’t know what made it worse. The tears in your eyes? Or maybe it was the pouring rain in the pitch black night; never the less, you were barely able to make out where you were, much less which direction you were going. The muscles in your body screamed for relief, the gashes angrily stinging against the rain, pushing you to run far, far away from the house that became your personal Hell.

Anywhere was better than being with him.

Your legs burned as you pushed yourself down the hill, gaining as much distance as you could away from Josuke. You couldn’t help to think of the events that led to this; gaining a stand from Keijo, meeting Koichi in odd circumstances, all the tiny little interactions that led to you accidentally tripping over a brick. Right into Josuke’s unmoving backside.

The thunder was incredibly deafening, lighting up the city of Morioh below you. You didn’t know if Josuke had discovered your absence yet, but you knew you had to be far away from him when he did. You knew it was just a matter of time.

Suddenly the grass became concrete, and concrete became asphalt. Relief flooded through you as you realized that you had finally made it into city limits. You looked around for any sign of safety you could take, your sights finally landing on the Grand Morioh Hotel.

‘Oh my god, Jotaro!’ You started sprinting towards the doors, bypassing any on looker or someone saying any comment to you, all you cared about was finding the receptionist and finding Jotaro. You ran down the hall to the Plaza, seeing the nice attendant lady who always seemed to be the one working for the desk. As soon as she saw you approach, her smile went from one of welcome to a grimace of worry. “Oh my word sweetie, are you okay?? Do you need any help??”

You leaned on the desk for a second to catch your breath. “Actually.. yes there is something.. you could do..”, you took a deep breath, “can you tell me what room Jotaro Kujo is in? We’re related & we have a family member in the hospital and it’s imperative that I fill him in on what’s going on.” Not the best lie you’ve ever told but at this point, you couldn’t afford to be precise. The desk attendant nodded with assured hums, “Yes honey of course, give me just one second.”

You breathed in relief. Thank God. Josuke definitely knew by now that you were gone, & would absolutely be searching for you. Finding Jotaro gave you a little hope for safety but even still; Josuke was relentless.

“Okay darlin, 8th floor, 6th suite, it’ll be the one at the very end!!” Relief swept over you as you quickly expressed your thanks, sprinting up the stairs towards your destination. ‘This is utterly insane’ you thought to yourself; you were running from your deranged boyfriend to his nephew that’s a decade older than he is. Your clothes were torn, wet, your skin was bruised and bleeding out, a state of being you weren’t familiar with.

The raw emotion you felt as you reach Jotaro’s door can only be described as a broken hallelujah. You banged on his door as hard as you can, not stopping until Jotaros towering frame swung the door open.

“(Y/N)? What are you doing here?” His stone cold expression seemed to always be unwavering, but at the sight of you his eyes betrayed him. “What the hell happened to you?” You tried to speak, but no words came out, simply emotion ridden gasps between sobs. Jotaro took your arm and led you in, showing you to a seat by the fireplace & brought you a hot mug of coffee. You gave him a grateful look as you took the cup, Jotaro taking the seat in front of you with a first aid kit. “What happened to you?? Is this from an enemy stand user?”

You couldn’t help but give a lifeless giggle. Certainly felt like it, didn’t it?

Jotaro let you sit in silence for a second while he cleaned the wounds gracing your arms & face, carefully watching your facial expression for any sign of emotion, anything to hint at what might be going on. You didn’t even know where to start in explaining it, or even a way to explain how this happened.

Jotaro took your chin in his hand and turned your face towards his. “(Y/N), who did this to you?” The concern in his eyes made you feel the most cared about you’ve been in months. If you could tell anyone, it’d be Jotaro.. right?”

“It.. it’s Josuke.. When we started dating he was so good to me, he was charming & caring, he’d take time out of his day to spend time with me & would make sure i felt his love; but his actions just.. escalated. He was everywhere. He would text me throughout the day about what i was doing, saying certain comments about my outfits or what stores i was in, he ALWAYS knew.” Jotaro listened intently as he wrapped your forearm in gauze, giving you a nod it was okay to keep proceeding with what you were saying. “All of a sudden one day my land lord calls me to let me know that I was being evicted out of nowhere and i had 24 hours to leave. The same day, Josuke signed the deed to his Mom’s house & told me I could live with him. I just thought it was a crazy coincidence, I didn’t think Josuke would actually ever get me evicted. Then i found my land lords phone number in his pocket book. When I asked him about it he pretended like he didn’t know, and when i kept asking he..” The memory of him holding you against the wall, his knee putting pressure onto your slit, made you visibly cringe. The way he touched you.. it was so possessive, so needy, his eyes portraying one visible message. ‘I own you.’

Jotaro closed the first aid kit & put it under the seat he was at, a pack of pills in his hand. Jotaro silently put the two pills in your hand & got you a glass of water. “I’m sorry you’re going through this & I’m sorry you’ve been hurt so badly. The pills are a sleeping pill & a pain relief supplement, take those and you can sleep in my bed. I’ll handle everything in the morning.” You looked at the two white pills in your hand & threw them to the back of your throat, quickly chasing them with the glass of water he gave you. Jotaro gave you a pair of pajama pants and a t shirt, and helped you lay in the bed. “Goodnight, (Y/N). I’ll see you in the morning.”

You don’t remember anything past that.

__________________________________

When you woke in the morning, you were blinded by direct sunlight. You squinted your eyes as tight as you could, noticing that you were being held up my two arms that were walking at a brisk pace. Gently adjusting your eyes to open, you looked up to see Jotaro, a determined glare in his eyes.

“J..Jotaro where are we?” you whispered the best you could manage. Jotaro gave you a glance down before returning his eyes to the path.

“I called Josuke.”, Your heart drops into your stomach. He wouldn’t.. he couldn’t.. “He says you lost your apartment because your anti psychotics put you out of a job, & he had your landlords number to pay your moving out fees for you.”

You shook your head in disbelief, “No, no no no Jotaro that’s a lie, i’m not on anti-psychotics, I don’t have any sort of med like that, he’s fucking lying to you!!”

Jotaro gave you an expectant look. “That’s the other thing Josuke said. You’ve been flushing them down the drain instead of taking them like you’re supposed to. Josuke only wants to take care of you, (Y/N). There’s nothing to fear of him.”

“JOTARO, I HAVE NEVER TAKEN THOSE PILLS IN MY LIFE AND YOU FUCKING KNOW”- You saw a giant purple hand come over your face and cover your mouth, restraining you from saying anymore. “I’m sorry (Y/N), but this is what’s best for you.”

You heard a door in the distance open, and Jotaro looking up and locking eyes with someone. The voice you heard next made your spine freeze, and dread pierce your soul.

“Jotaro!! Thank you SO much for bringing (Y/N) back!!”

No.. Not again..

“Not a problem Josuke, i’d rather have assurance of (Y/N)‘s safety myself then just send her back here on a bus.”

You slowly looked over, finally catching sight of your boyfriend. His tall, muscular form loomed dangerously in the door way of his house, his pompadour reminding you of so many events, so many violations of your body..

God its sick that it was making you wet.

Jotaro set you on your feet in front of josuke, letting Star Platinums hand uncover your mouth.

You couldn’t look at him.

Josukes hand ran through your hair, “(Y/N) is all okay now that she’s here with me.” He put his other hand under your chin, lifting to meet you eye to eye. It was everything you remembered. Lust, anger, relief, and above all else: obsession.

Jotaro and Josuke bid their farewells. Hands on your hips steered you into the living room, Josuke gently closing the door behind you. You could feel his eyes bore into the back of your skull, your mind erratic with anxiety. God, what’s he gonna do??

“Y’know, you didnt have to run away. You didn’t have to leave me. You didn’t have to be SO FUCKING UNGRATEFUL.” Josuke threw a chair at the wall in front of you, the force of it making you fall backwards onto your back. You gasped as your back collided with the floor, seeing Josukes towering frame turning towards you. He kneels down straddling you, the obsession of his eyes terrifying as he wrapped his long fingers around your throat. Adrenaline went straight between your legs.

“I do everything for you, (Y/N). I house you. I feed you. I FUCKING TAKE CARE OF YOU.” Josuke ripped apart your shirt, shoving his knee on your hot slit, making you gasp in surprise. Josukes delicate features possess a hunger that you remember all too well. “I also make you feel good don’t i??” He removed one of his hands from your throat to attack your nipple with, making you arch your back & moan. Josuke bit his lip in ecstasy as he shoved his middle finger down your slit, swirling it around in your hot heat. Josukes mouth rested against your temple as you gasped in pleasure, sickly wanting him to just take you then & there.

Josuke slowed down his finger, gently massaging your clit at a comfortable pace. “I’m sorry if it was because you felt unloved. If that’s the case, I really promise to be better. Because you can’t leave me, (Y/N). You’re mine, my little princess, my sweet baby girl,” His fingers started to assault you again. You heard a zipper get tugged town, and Josukes hips sweetly grind against yours. “My little fucking slut.”

You started to panic as you felt the tip of his rock hard cock press against your heat, your adrenaline skyrocketing. He’s delirious. “JoJo honey please, d-dont make me do this i’m so fucking sc-“

Josukes hand slapped your cheek, making you yelp in pain, quickly resulting in your moth being covered once again. “No, you don’t get a say. You were a bad girl, baby. And bad girls-“

Your scream was strained as he bottomed out his 8 inch cock inside you. “-they get punished.”

Josuke rammed inside of you, yourself being pummeled into the floor as he chanted “Mine, mine, mine, -FUCK-, MINE!!” His dick assaults your G-Spot as you felt an orgasm start to build in your stomach.

“Are you gonna cum baby? Does my little fuckinf slut want to cum??” Josuke slapped your clit. “TELL ME WHO OWNS YOU.”

Pleasure overruled the mine on this one. “It’s you baby! It’s always been you and it always will, I promise I’ll never leave you again just-“ you squealed as you felt your build up about to break. “PLEASE LET ME CUM JOSUKE PLEASE!!”

“Uggh FUCK, cum on my fucking cock (Y/N) show me who OWNS you.” Josukes duet of lust and rage amplified as you exploded all over him, your moans and screams sounding like siren calls to himself. Josuke rutted into you, filling you to the brim with himself. He laid himself by you, wrapping his arms around your overstimulated frame. You laid there for a couple of minutes trying to catch your breath, your heart rate soaring. You could hear Josukes soft giggles beside you as you felt a hand caress your cheek. You looked him into his eyes, seeing the unconditional love and obsession. The never ending love and obsession.

Josuke sweetly kisses your cheek, holding you in his arms as he gently picks up your left hand. You felt a cold circle of metal grace your ring finger, slipping on perfectly. Fear gripped your heart as you realized what it was.

“My pretty baby.. my gorgeous doll,” Josuke rolled ontop of you and held your face in his hands. “This will make sure we’re always together. You & me, husband and wife!! My perfect, beautiful, fuckable wife..”

Tears started to slide down your face.

So, this was defeat.

“(Y/N) (Y/L/N), will you be my wife?”

You looked at the alabaster ceiling. This wasn’t possible for you. This couldn’t be happening. But you knew it was.

“Yes.. Josuke. I’ll marry you.”

Josuke gleamed as he smothered you with kisses and sweet nothings, giving you gentle touches as his lips grazed over your ears to say the only thing that comes out of his mouth: poison.

“I’ll always find you, baby doll.”

“Like the ocean meets the shore- I will always find you.”

——————————-

I REALLY HOPE YOU LIKE IT & KEEP REQUESTING ALL YALL WANT!! TYSM!! 🤍🌿✨🌸👄🍌🌩

[alluringoneirataxia]

Long Winding Road Stay Strapped My Dude

By: Astoria Cathryn Andromeda

Alrighty, this is a long one boys. So I touched briefly on this in my Welcome to Literally Everything post. No worries I'll recap you, so you don't have to switch back and forth. I just diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, and then ADHD when I was 18 years old, and even then I had to fight for it after countless hours of research. See, there seems to be a wee bit of misogyny in the neurodiverse diagnoses. When I say a wee bit, I mean that scientists used to think that only boy could be autistic or ADHD. They only studied autism in males. Fortunately, nowadays we know that girls can be autistic and/or ADHD, but we present the traits differently than boys, and a lot of our traits are played off due to gender roles in society. For example, being overly talkative in girls is called chatty, whereas boys who can't sit still are sent off for testing immediately. This also causes problems for the boys, because little Johnny gets put on Adderall at the ripe age of 6 years old, just because he can't sit still for 8 hours straight, which by the way should not be expected of any elementary school kid, By the time, he's 25 he's 1) completely dependent on amphetamines 2) his body will stop producing dopamine due to being on the medication for so long. Nicht Gut. Generally, boys who are on the spectrum get picked out earlier due to late speaking, or lack of social skills. This is the one thing that girls happen to do better than boys. Girls are good at masking, which is basically taking social traits, phrases, personalities, demeanor, and copying them. In public, they put on a mask and at home, they have a meltdown. Girls are still not picked up as being on the spectrum, because shyness is called being 'ladylike' and 'dainty', and having a meltdown is just because :( girls are oh-so emotional, boohoo. Anyways tons of women do not get diagnosed with autism until they are well into their adulthood, I actually can be considered lucky to have technically still been a teenager when we finally got all the pieces together.

Alright, let's start with I don't know me as a baby. I did not speak until I was 2 years old, and then it was immediately full sentences from then on. I didn't do the babbling thing, which I don't know how impactful that really is to the topic. I was a very shy little girl. I was teeny tiny, we didn't know I if I was going to make it to 5 feet tall until I had a big growth spurt in 7th grade. I am 5'2 now and definitely done growing in case you were wondering, so not that short anymore. I did not like talking to adults, especially strangers, especially men. I did not look anyone in the face, and I will always hide behind my parent's legs when they would try to introduce me to people. I am an only child, and I spent a lot of time entertaining myself. I always had seasonal affective disorder, where my grades would dip in the winter. My parents knew I had a timer, they had 45 minutes from the moment they stepped into a restaurant before I would start breaking down. If I got off schedule as a toddler in any form, it was a catastrophe. Or this is what my parents and family tell me. I didn't really notice. I did not like being out in public a lot, I was a very picky eater, and I was extremely hyper. I was a very eccentric child, I only had 1-2 close friends and they were always a very well-liked outgoing girl who I just followed around. Looking back, I don't know how we missed it. I was shy because I didn't understand how social interactions worked, I was anxious about it because I didn't understand, I had sensory overloads, routines, and a very bland diet with a safe food which was ketchup. I put that shit on literally everything, eas, apples, mac and cheese, pizza, all meat, anything something forced me to eat that I did not like. But because I could sit still in class, and because I could zone out and daydream all day through school and still make A's nobody ever flagged me for anything and how I was supposed to know that not everybody just copied other people, scripted things before they talked, and could never pay attention. My mom always required me to be in a sport, and I was a gymnast and a swimmer for a long time, two very high-intensity sports, to help lower my energy levels, and because my mom has mild depression and she knows that exercise does help. Skip to middle school, my mom tells me I'm being bullied at church. It's not that I wasn't observing my surroundings I knew I was being excluded, but I didn't understand vindictive behavior, I thought it was my fault. I had zero friends in 8th grade until I sat down next to a random acqutaince I had gone to school with since I was 4 and the same gymnastics place. Then we were immediately attached at the hip after that. She is my best friend due this day and definitely got me through high school. Led me through so many social situations without either of us knowing. I had a very close friendgroup in highschool, all of them were on the drumline which I met through my best friend, and my first boyfriend was my best friend's neighbor. I ended up playing bass guitar for my high school's indoor drumline, and it was the best experience ever. I love my friends, but I had really bad depression when I was 15-now:) jk It's better. I didn't really realize I was depressed, I just didn't want to go to school, or swim practice, or do anything so of course, my mom noticed, and then once it was pointed out to me it got worse. My severe anxiety spiraled with my depression. Senior year of high school, my boyfriend and I were like toxic star crossed lovers, hurting each other over and over again without meaning to. My friends and I were self harming, all my close friends gad some demon going on. I finally decided to try therapy again after the disaster of being forced to go when I was 15 and the lady told me I wasn't depressed because I had a boyfriend and good grades. It helped a bit, I was able to get my panic attacks under control. Then I went away to college and stayed dating my senior high school boyfriend, we were just up and down as always, but with slightly better communication. My freshman year of college I joined a fraternity, a research lab, and my first hs boyfriend/ex/best friend and I went to a Christian campus place. By second semester, I had a lot of people who knew me and talked to me, but I didn't have any close friends, and even less close friends who were girls. All my close friends who were girls were at another college. My parents were worried about me, so they made me rush a sorority, which I knew was never my scene, but my parents made me join and I found a few girls I liked. Soon I was going to 6 classes, fraternity chapter, research lab meetings, christain crash group meetings, soriorty pledge meetings all on every Tuesday. I was different person at each of these events and wore a different mask. I was having what I know now were autistic burnout meltdowns every single day on the phone in my crusty dorm's stairwell. It was not cute. His mental health had always been bad too. Finally I decide I need to try a psychatrist and go back to therapy, and then he broke up with me. Then I made my first close friend, a guy who was in 3 of classes, and I took him to my fraternity's formal, and then coronavirus happened.  Rona kinda saved my grades, and mental health by sending us home event though it did suck. I got on anti-anxiety meds and things went up, but I was still having what I thought were panic attacks, they were austistic meltdowns. My psychiatrist, he's kinda an asshole, he diagnosed me with Obessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. I'll insert definition here: (OCPD) is a personality disorder that's characterized by extreme perfectionism, order, and neatness. People with OCPD will also feel a severe need to impose their own standards on their outside environment.> Basically hr told me I had rules for everything like how everyone drives on the right side of the road, but nobodythinks about it andwhen I broke one of my rules I got depressed, and when wasn't perfect I got depressed, and when I made an A I was relieved not proud. The diagnosis seemed to fit really well, and my therapist and I started working finding my rules, and getting rid of the bad ones, and making the others less harsh. I had thought every once and in a while in my life when I was really upset, what if I'm on the spectrum, because I just felt so hopeless for social interactions and I didn't understand. I always felt like I was a very specific person, but after the ocpd I started thinking more and more, and I saw a tik tok of a girl with lae diagnosed autism basically describing me and ranting about the misogyny. I did more research and I decide, yea I'mm gonna bring it up to mypsychatrist well he's a dick, so he was like um you don't act like sheldon cooper from the Big Bang theory,and I was like wellI just I have always thought I might have adhd like be neureodiverse, and he was like your grade point average in hs was a 97.8%, you're not adhd. I immediately cried, because I can't handle when anyone says anything in a even a slightest stringent tone. I'm baby, I know lmao. It made me angry though because I felt like he just brushed away all of my struggles I had in my whole life. I spent hours researching and typed up a 47 page document on evidence for why I was on the spectrum, and had my parents help will some of checklists to make sure I was getting outside perspectives. I rally my parents to be my back up and next psychiatrist appointment we actually talk about it and he asked my parents questions about when I was young and such and finally he was okay you're on the spectrum. I felt so validated and like I could start being myself. I slowly got more and more confident, changed my style of clothing, and researched more about adhd pushed to be tested, and oh look at that I also have ADHD. So basically discourse: "I feel like as a child I coded a machine to do life for me so I didn’t get bothered except I didn’t know about the machine I thought i was the machine and now I’ve become self aware and I have to learn how to read the code and rewrite the code because it’s dysfunctional because I’m not functioning well as a human being. I was really shy as a child. I would turn beat red when people talked to me or looked at me so I think I started cookie cutting situations and using them over and over again because they worked until I accidentally hard wired these expansion rules and expectations for myself. I didn’t may attention is class ever I just day dreamed and if I got good grades i wouldn’t be bothered i could just stay in my head and if I did my sport well my parents didn’t bother me. I was never asked if I did my homework I just did it so I wouldn’t be asked and have to deal with that situation. I would cookie cutter situations in class that would draw the least attention to myself.

I feel like i don’t have friends I just fulfill the expectation like a side quest on video games" I wrote this down pre autism confirmation when i just thought I had ocpd. Now I don't directly identify with ocpd, but I definitely think I developed that personality disorder a bit from living with undiagnosed autism. I am linking below the very informative Tik Toks by the lovely Paige on autism in girls. The imposter syndrome one really hit home. I had had so many panic attacks about thinking I tricked people into being my friend, or thinking I was smart.

I highly suggest watching these short tik toks, you'll definitely learn something

https://vm.tiktok.com/wVvcYA/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wqRRUf/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wnqhvX/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wqeyYg/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wnoE7u/

https://vm.tiktok.com/Kas6gB/

https://vm.tiktok.com/owM9hs/

Imposter syndrome

I am also linking an article about Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory and Autism that explains why my psychiatrist was wrong, and also I am a girl and the spectrum is called a spectrum because it's a fucking spectrum no two autistic people are exactly the same it's like a color wheel.

http://www.autismsupportnetwork.com/news/problem-sheldon-cooper-and-cute-autism-387783

Here is a fun comic about the spectrum and how to view it.

https://the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

I am still learning about myself, and how to be me, and how to be myself but without breaking bad social rules. It's quite humorous though because I'll learn something is related to autism and I'm like oh shit again, like still, like, we're still discovering things.

"Tu ne me manques pas"

Bis später,

Astoria.

[chickensarentcheap]

Sanctuary- Chapter 27

Warnings: mention of depression, anxiety, brain issues

Tagging: @innerpaperexpertcloud, @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @alievans007, @thorsbathroomchicken

The dream is always the same.  He's clad in his tactical gear, full armed, cautiously creeping down a narrow, dimly lit hallway. Debris snapping and popping under the soles of his boots. All of his senses on high alert.  The near deafening pounding of his own heart, a maddening, agonizing pulsating in his brain, sweat beading across his forehead, trickling down his temples, gathering at the back of his neck. He can hear her; crying, speaking through sobs, calling out to him. Begging for him to help her. To find her.

“I'm right here, Tyler. Why can't you see me? What can't you find me?”

With each door he kicks in, he finds an empty room behind it. Her voice growing faint; further away when though he knows he should be getting closer. Panic sets in. Time is running out. The clock is ticking: an excruciating sound, like an amplified, continuous drip of a leaky faucet. And with each step he takes, the hallway becomes even longer. Darker.

She continues to call for him; begging for help. And her tone becomes more urgent. Desperate. Full of terror. The pleading is unbearable. Heartbreaking. Yet despite his best efforts...the doors he busts down...the rooms searched...he still can't find her. The closer he gets, the further she becomes out of reach. Until she lets out out a single blood curdling scream.

And then silence.

He jerks awake, bolting into a sit.  The dream always ends the same. He never finds her despite his best efforts. Just that one scream and then nothing. Just darkness. The feeling of immense loss and guilt.

His chest is painfully tight and he struggles to catch his breath. His entire body covered in sweat. He's nauseous. Dizzy. The all too common signs of a panic attack. In the past two years they've been few and far between, but within the last week they'd shown signs of returning. The moment that he'd had the dream again -the first in several months- he'd known the attacks were inevitable. And he curses himself being weak.

For being damaged.

In the top drawer of the nightstand is a wide array of prescription meds; drugs he needs just to make it through the day. Anti-inflammatories for the arthritis, hard core pain relievers, Ativan for the anxiety. The latter is the one that he reaches for, struggling to open the bottle with trembling hand;  resorting to using his teeth to twist open the lid and then dumping half a dozen of the pills into his mouth.  Waiting for them to fully dissolve under his tongue before dropping the bottle back into the drawer.

It takes several minutes to even begin to feel any effects, and he sits on the edge of the bed, bare feet planted firmly on the floor. Desperately needing to feel ground. An attachment to the here and now. The reminder that it had all in fact just been big, horrible dream. His eyes are closed as he listens to her soft, rhythmic breathing behind him. It's comforting; being able to hear her, being able to confirm...with all certainty...that she is right here with him, safe and sound.  In the same position he always finds her when he wakes up in the middle of the night: flat on her stomach with all the blankets pulled over her head and only her toes poking out at the bottom.

His knees audibly cracks as he stands. A grimace on his face as he fetches a bottle of water from the mini bar across the door, downing half as he stands in front of the sliding glass door. The sun is just starting to appear on the horizon; hues of pink and gold painting the sky. In several hours he will be meeting Michael McMann. Under the guise of updating him on where they stand on actually getting the information they need to even attempt an extraction. He'll try to break him.  Coerce him or threaten him into coughing up that information that Tyler knows for certain the man is holding back. There's so much he isn't telling him; secrets that he isn't ready to share, confessions he isn't ready to give.  Time is running out. It's been two weeks since those kids were taken. Fourteen days since they were snatched from the warm and security of their own beds.  Hours of agonizing torture, fear, and pain that they'd had to endure.  The longer time drags on, the less likely they will be found alive. He knows that.  He knows how the game is played. The more time that passes where the captors don't get what they want, the less time those kids have on earth.

He journeys into the bathroom; splashing cold water on his face, dragging wet hands through his hair as he heads back out into the sleeping quarters, once more perching himself upon the edge of the bed. The ache is in chest is starting to subside. He can breathe normally again. The nausea and the dizziness finally dissipating.

“Tyler?” her voice is soft and groggy behind him, and her hears the rustle of the sheets as she rolls over onto her side.  Feels her hand as she presses it against the small of his back. “What's wrong? Are you okay?”

“I'm fine,” he assures her.

“Pain?” she inquires, and he nods.

“Just my shoulder,” he lies. “Must have fallen asleep on it the wrong way.”

The mattress dips slightly as she moves again; and through the reflection in the window, he watches as she pushes her messy hair away from her face and tucks it behind her ears, yawning loudly as she waddles on her knees towards him.  Her lips pressing against the nape of his neck, her fingers and thumbs digging into his shoulders. She knows all of the spots on his body; five and a half years is more than enough time to commit them all to memory.  Those places that hurt the most and find the most relief when she manipulates and massages them. And the ones that drive him absolutely insane with want and need.

“You should be asleep,” he says, eyes closing one more, head falling forward as she digs her thumbs into his trap muscles.

“So should you,” she counters.  “Just your shoulder?”

He nods.

“I guess that can be considering a good night,” she says, as those hands work at getting out all the knots and tension. His muscles painfully tight under her fingers. The side effect of always carrying the weight of others' burdens.

“I guess,” he agrees, and groans...a mixture of both relief and pain...when she hits a particularly tender spot. It's agonizing but soothing at the same time; the way the knots come undone and warmth spreads through the muscles as they slowly relax.  

“This has to end,” she says, as her hands now travel across his shoulders. Movements slow, thumbs doing all the work.  “You have to stop doing this to yourself, Tyler. You have to stop worrying about complete strangers and their problems.  You have to stop taking on so much. There are other people, you know. Other mercenaries. You don't have to be the one that Nik relies on all the time.”

“This wasn't really Nik's call. He came to me, remember.  He asked for my help.”

“You should have told him to fuck himself. To find someone else.  You'd just gotten home.  You should have just said no.”

“What's the saying? Hindsight is twenty-twenty? It's too late to worry about now. I'm here. I took the job on. There's nothing I can do about it now.”

“We can go home. We can get on the first available flight and just get the hell out of here.  We can go home to our kids and have a normal life. Or whatever kind of normal we can come up with. Wouldn't that be nice? To have some semblance of normal? Where we can just enjoy being married and raising kids together? Where we're actually together instead of spending so much time apart?”

“This isn't about not wanting that. About not wanting to be with you or my kids. You know that. He asked for my help. I said I would do this.”

“That was before you knew how screwed up it actually is. When you thought it was just going to be as simple as getting the wife and getting the hell out of there. That was before all this other bullshit. It's gone way beyond anything like that now, Tyler. So far beyond it. It was bad enough when it was just the IRA.  Now all of this stuff has come to light...”

“We're too far into this now.  We're too deep. We can't back out now. And you know it.”

“We can. We can just say fuck it and leave. Is it really worth it, Tyler? Is it really worth risking everything? I know it's kids. And I know that makes you want to do this even more.  You think you wouldn't be able to live with yourself if you just leave them there.”

“I wouldn't be able to. Because every time I look at my own kids, I'd think about the ones I left behind to die.”

“You don't know if that's going to happen,” she gently argues, concentrating now on his surgically repaired shoulder.  “This could all be just a bunch of bullshit. Revenge. Wife versus husband. You don't know if she's really going to escalate this.  There's no way she's that evil. That any mother...whether they carried those babies inside of them or not...would be that big of a monster.  Why not just send someone else in? Just to get her. Make her talk. Make her tell them where the kids are.”

“You've seen the pictures. You've seen what she's told other people to do. To her kids. So she is a monster. Do you really think she would have gone this far if she didn't intend on taking it the entire way? After what you've seen, what you know about her family, do you honestly think she won't kill those kids? Or have them killed?”

Esme sighs.

“There's no turning back. There's no getting out of this. I know it. You know it.”

“I'm just...” her voice shakes. “...I'm just so fucking sick of this. I'm sick of seeing you do this. Seeing you walk out the door and having no guarantee you're going to walk back in.”

“That can happen any time. I can walk out the door and get hit by a truck crossing the street.”

“That would be a freak accident. Not you putting yourself at risk. Not you willingly sacrificing yourself for other people. People who don't even give a shit if you live or die.  I need this to end, Tyler. I need this life to end. I am just so sick of it. I'm sick of worrying about you constantly. I'm sick of trying to hold everything together when it feels like it is all falling apart. Of trying to explain to your kids where you are and if you're coming back.”

“You knew what you were getting into,” he reminds her.

“No. I didn't. You put this on me, remember? You went back to the job all on your own. You made the decision for the both of us.  You didn't even talk to me about it.  I was pregnant. With your sons.  I was six months pregnant and having issues with them and you took it upon yourself to get back into the game. And don't...” she presses extra hard into the painful spot at the bottom of his shoulder blade. “...don't you  dare even throw 'we needed the money' into this. You took it for granted that I'd be okay with it.”

“Esme...” he sighs. “...I do not want to fight.”

“I'm not fighting”! She snaps, then bites down on her bottom lip in an attempt to control her temper. “I am not fighting.  You had your chance to talk. About the things that you're worried about. About the things that are scaring you. Well now I need the chance. I need you to listen to me. I don't need excuses. I don't need you arguing with me. I don't need you trying to invalidate how I feel just because it makes you feel uncomfortable to hear it.”

“I don't do that. I don't...”

“You do,” she insists. “And I know you don't mean it. I know you don't even realize what you're saying it and how it makes me feel. But I need you to listen, Tyler,” her hands rest on his shoulders as she presses her face into the back of his head. “...please...I just need you to hear me.”

The pain in her voice is heartbreaking. Eating away to his very soul. “Okay,”  he says. “Tell me. Talk to me. Let me hear you. Help me hear you.”

“I am so angry at you,” she admits.  “And I don't want to be angry at you. That's the last thing I want. Because I don't want you walking out the door and the last thing you remember is me being pissed off. I don't want the last thing I ever say to you being something I said while I was angry.  I don't want that on my mind for the rest of my life. That I let you walk out the door thinking I hated you.”

He simply nods, watching her reflection in the glass. The tears that pool in her eyes, the way her lower lip quivers. And he can hear her shaky breaths and the way her hands tremble as they rest on his shoulders. She needs this. This moment. A chance to finally unload everything that's been weighing her down for the past five and a half years.  And she deserves it. After everything she'd given up for him. After having her life so drastically altered.  After everything she'd seen that day on the Sultana Kamal Bridge.

Love is beautiful. But it's also painful as hell.  

“You never should have done what you did,” she continues. “When you decided to go back to the job without at least telling me about it. I should have been able to at least try and reason with you. I wouldn't have been able to talk you out of it, but you should have at least given me the chance to try.  And you know made it worse? It was when you did it.  When I'm pregnant with your twin boys and I'm going through hell trying to keep them alive inside of me. When I needed you to stay home.  I needed you there. I needed you with me. I didn't just have babies inside of me. I had Millie to worry about too. And she was still practically a baby! You left, Tyler. You made a huge decision that impacted all of us and you left two days later! Like what the fuck?! Of all the times I needed you...well and truly needed you...you took off and you were thousands of miles away. And I was terrified you were never coming back and I'd be stuck raising three kids on my own. That I'd have to have those babies all by myself and you'd never seen even get to meet them or see Millie again. She would never have remembered you. She was too young.”

He remains silent, but brings his hands up to rest on hers.

“And I hated myself for feeling all of that. For being so angry with you. For still holding onto it. But this....all of this bullshit...it's just digging it all up and it's going to kill me if I keep it inside. And I'm not doing this to hurt you. I'm not saying these things to hurt you, Tyler.”

“I know,” he assures her, his fingers brushing against hers.

“And I hate that I'm so self conscious all the time. About you and Nik.”

“I already told you...”

“I know it's in the past.  I know it wasn't serious. At least on your end of things. But at the same time, you're around her all the time. Sometimes you spend more time with her than you do with me.  And I worry that maybe...I don't know...that maybe you'll feel something for her and you'll be thousands of miles away and lonely and you won't be able to stop. Or you won't want to stop.”

“Esme...” he laces their fingers together, brings them to his mouth and presses a kiss to the inside of her wrist. “...listen to me.  That is never going to happen. I feel nothing for her. She's my friend. My boss. That's all. I don't want her. I only want you. For the rest of my life.”

“How can you know that? How can you know for sure?”

“Do you know for sure that you don't want to be with anyone else? What about your ex? He's coming around now. How do you know for sure that you won't turn around one day and want to be with him?”

“Because I don't want anyone else. I only want you.  That's never going to change.”

“Exactly. In the same way it's never going to change for me. This is it for me. You're it for me. And you need to trust when I say that. Okay? Just trust me. Can you do that?”

She nods.

“What else?” he asks. “You were on a roll there.”

“Don't make me feel bad,” she pleads, as she rests her chin on his shoulder. “It's hard enough saying all of this without you making me feel bad about it.”

“I'm not trying to make you feel bad.  There's things you need to say and they're the things I need to hear. Whether I like hearing them or not.”

“I want you take that job. The one Nik offered you.  I know I'll never convince you to get out of the job all together. It's a lost cause. But if you take this offer, you're home more.  There's way less danger. You heard what Nik said. That you'd only have to go out in the field if you were desperately needed. And I feel so much better if that was the case. If you just went to work and came home all in the same day.  And so would the kids. They love having you home.  I love having you home. Being able to sleep in the same bed with you every night. And if we're going to have another baby, I need you home. Four is hard enough. But five? What if it turns into six? I mean, we weren't expecting twins the first time either.”

“Yeah...” he chuckles. “...that was a little...unexpected.”

“I thought you were going to pass out,” she recalls. “Your face went so white. I was worried someone would have to pick you up off the floor.”

“We went in there expecting one. We ended up seeing two. Of everything. I was a little...”

“Spooked?”

“Yeah...” he grins. “....spooked.”

“And then you got over it and you spent eight months with that goofy ass grin on your face. So proud of yourself for what you'd done.  Like it was some huge feat and not just five minutes you had to spare,” she's grinning as she presses a kiss to his cheek.

“Would you piss off with this five minutes? When has it ever lasted only five minutes?”

“Okay. So maybe it was ten minutes,” she teases.

He snorts.

“There's been times you've been drunk and it's only been ten. Fifteen at the most.  I don't know what the big deal is. That's about thirteen minutes more than my ex on his best night.”

“Jesus Christ...” he shakes his head. “...there's some things  I don't need to know.”

“I thought that would make you happy. Knowing he's a two pump chump and you can go all night if I'd let you.”

“You know what would make me happy? If he'd fuck off and go back to the states and I never have to see him again.”

“I'm sorry,” she frowns. “That just blew up in my face. That is not what he agreed to. He was supposed to send someone. Not show up himself. I'll find a way to keep him away from you. More for his own good than yours. Just so you don't snap and beat the shit out of him. Which....I agree...he deserves,” she presses a kiss to the side of his neck, lips against that thick scar left behind from Dhaka. It's not as hard for her anymore; seeing it.  The reminder no longer as harsh. Not bringing back the same level of terror that it once did.

Her hand is on his shoulder as she moves to his side, curling an arm around his waist, resting her chin against his upper arm.  “I don't want you going alone. To see McMann.”

“I don't have a choice.  Who would I take with me? Yaz? He was made too. Someone will recognize him. And you can't tag along because if someone sees us together....”

She sighs heavily, and he drop a kiss on the top of her head and wraps his around her shoulders, drawing her tight against him.

“It'll be okay,” he assures her.  

“How do you know that he isn't on this? That this is really isn't some big game to get you alone? That this isn't tied to you in some way? That he isn't out for revenge?”

“I have zero ties to him. Or his wife. Or the IRA. Not even remote ties. I had no idea who the hell he was until now. And I'd remember that. If I ever crossed paths with him on the job.”

“Well if it happened before Dhaka and there's other things you forgot....”

“I forgot how to hold a fork and how to brush my own teeth. I forgot what happened in the last ten minutes on bridge. I don't forget other things. I'm not brain damaged.”

There'd been a fear of that. That the loss of blood and lack of oxygen during the times he had flat line d in the operating room could lead to issues.  Problems with fine motor skills.  Short term memory. A regression with cognitive skills.  And for a few months afterwards he'd struggled to even do the simple things.  Near constant tremors in his hands, weakness on the left side.  Frustrated with that he considered a lack of progress.  Wanting desperately to even half the man that he was before. Even a fraction of that man. The one that Esme had started to fall in love with in that dirty hotel room in Dhaka.

“I know that. And I'm not saying you are. Just maybe some things aren't as clear as they used to be. Maybe you did cross paths with him somewhere. Even briefly. Or maybe he knows you from someone else you pissed off. But Tyler...” she sighs, kisses his shoulder. “...I don't trust him. And I don't think you do either.”

“I don't. But I don't have much of a choice on how to handle this, do I. I can't take you along because if we're seen together, that totally fucks everything up.  I can't take Yaz because he'll be recognized. I have to do this alone. And I know you don't think I can't handle this...”

“I never said that, Tyler. I never even insinuated that. But if this is a trap...if he has five or ten or even more guys waiting...you won't stand much of a chance.  There has to be someone that can help. That can just keep an eye on things.”

“I'll be fine,” he insists, and turns his face into hers, lips against her cheek.  “I promise you. I'll be fine.”

“I need you to come back to me, Tyler Rake. I need you. I need my husband. My kids need their father.”

“I know,” he says, placing a hand alongside the side of her face and turning her head towards him. “It's going to be okay,” he assures her, covering her lips with his in long, soft kiss.  Then rests his forehead against hers. “You need to trust me. I know what I'm doing.”

“It's not you I don't trust. It's him. Just be careful, okay? Don't let your guard down. Not for one second. Don't even start to trust him because the second you start to trust him...”

He silences her with a kiss.  Even longer this time. More passion to it. His fingers pressing into her cheek.  “I know what I'm doing,” he insists. “Not a rookie, remember?”

“No. You're not,” she agrees. “But you are my husband. You are the love of my life. The father of my kids. And believe it or not, I don't want anything happening to you. Remember that whole 'until death do us part' stuff? I meant when we were old and gray and we've had a long life together and we got to have grand-kids and maybe even great grand-kids.  Because five and a half years is not enough. Not even close to it.”

****

“Hello?” that tiny voice answers the phone on the third ring.  In the background he can hear the familiar signs of early morning life in the Rake house: the twins bickering,  the baby shrieking and babbling,  the dog barking. It's hectic and chaotic, but it's his hectic and chaotic.  

And despite the numerous times he'd often bitch and moan about the level of noise and the inability to even get one day to sleep in, he misses it.  He misses those little things that come with having a family to take care of and provide for. The sound of the kids' feet pounding up the stairs as they raced to see who would beat getting to wake him up first.  The way those little bodies would all jump on the bed and he'd be showered with hugs and kisses before the kids would insist on the morning ritual of rough housing and tickle fights.  The breakfasts he would make, the lunches and snacks he'd prepare, the backpacks he'd put together for the day,  those drives into town when all three of the older ones would  want the music as loud as they could stand it, windows  down so they could stick their arms out and feel the wind against their palms.  The   weekends when the entire family would pile into one bed and they'd all enjoy some quiet, lazy times together.  When he would lie back and marvel about how far he's actually come; the roads he'd had to travel, the battles he'd fought, all the blood, sweat and tears he'd shed just to get where he is.

“Hey,” he greets. “How goes it?”

“Daddy”! Millie shrieks, and soon the twins are gathered around the phone and all three are trying to talk at the same time. Excited tales about everything they've been up to in the twelve hours that have passed since the last time he called home to check on things.  Sparing no detail as they talk about going on a hike and picnic with Ovi and Chloe, going into the town for ice cream and pizza with Auntie Nik, grandma letting them sleep in a tent in the backyard (with her supervising, of course).  

Tears prick his eyes and emotion chokes at him.  The sounds of their voices -so thrilled to be hearing from him-, the expressions he imagines on their little faces, how pure and innocent they are. They don't question why Nik is there. Why there's armed guards walking the perimeters and sleeping in the living room.  None of that matters to them.   All they want is to talk to him, to hear his voice, to make sure that he's okay.

“I love you guys,” he says, clearing his throat noisily, taking a sip of coffee from the carry out cup sitting in the SUV's drink holder. “I love you guys so much.”  He never thought he could love that much. That unconditional love that is so overwhelming and so all consuming that sometimes it's physically painful.

“I love you, daddy!” the twins call back in unison, and then are spirited away from the phone by a grandma anxious to keep them on a routine.

“I miss you daddy,” Millie says.  “I miss you lots.”

He grins. “How much is lots?”

“Lots and lots. Lots and lots times one billion.”

“That's a lot.  I miss you lots and lots too. Lots and lots times two billion.”

She giggles at that.  “I'm sorry, daddy.  I didn't mean what I said. I didn't mean to be a bad girl. When I said that I hate you.”

“You weren't being a bad girl. You were just angry. You were mad at me because I broke my promise. It's okay, Millie.”

“You're not mad at me?”

“I was never mad at you.”

“You don't hate me?”

“I could never hate you. Ever. You were just angry at me.  People say things when they're angry. I say a lot of things I don't mean when I'm upset. But it doesn't mean I mean to say them.”

“I didn't mean what I said,” she sounds close to tears. “When I said never to come home. Because I miss you and I wish you were coming home right now. I wish you were already home. So you could tuck me in and read me bed time stories and make me pancakes with bananas on them and do my hair for me.”

Sniffling noisily, he reaches under his sunglasses to clear away the tears that now nestle on his cheeks. “I wish I was home right now too.  So we could do all those things together. And we could camp out in the backyard and look for turtles and frogs in the creek. And go for ice cream. Lots and lots of ice cream.”

“Bubblegum ice cream?”

“You're going to get tired of that one day.”

“Never,” she declares. “Did you find the kids yet? The little girl and the little boy?”

“Not yet, baby girl. But I'm close.”

“Are you going to catch the bad guys? Are you going to hurt them?”

“Only if I have to. I have to get the kids out. That's all that matters.”

“So you can get them home to their mommy and their daddy?”

“Yup. That's exactly it.”

“You'd come and look for me right, daddy? If someone took me?”

“In a heartbeat. Nothing would stop me from looking for you.  And I'd find you. You know that, yeah?”

“I know you would.”

“That's never going to happen though,” he assures her. “No one is ever going to take you. You don't have to worry about that. No bad guys are going to get to you. Or your brothers. Okay? I promise you. Nothing like that is ever going to happen.”

“To mommy either? I don't want mommy going missing either.”

“Your mommy is safe, I promise. She's safe here with me. And we'll both be home soon.”

“How soon?”

“As soon as I find those kids and take them home.  As soon as I do that, mommy and I will be home. And then we can do all the things that I promised we'd do the last time I got home. And even more stuff.”

“You promise?”

“I promise. I know you can't see it, but you put up your baby finger on the phone and I'll put mine on my phone and we'll do a pinky promise. Sound good?”

“Sounds good,” she agrees. “Now? Do it now?”

“Do it now,” he says, and presses his baby finger against the phone screen.

“Pinky promise!” Millie exclaims, and then giggles. “I love you, daddy. I love you bunches. Tons of bunches.”

“I love you too. You be good, okay? No more beating up your brother. On any of your brothers.”

“He deserved it.”

Tyler grins. “Did he? Because from what I heard, you just went off on him for no reason and kicked the shit out of him.”

“That's a bad word,” she whispers. “Do you want me to put a quarter in the swear jar?”

“Put your whole allowance in. I've been saying a lot of bad words lately.”

“That's not good, daddy. You shouldn't say bad words either! But he did deserve  it. Tyler deserves to get his ass beat.”

“Amelia...”

“His butt beat, I mean.  He was looking at me funny.”

“That's not a reason to beat up your brother. To beat up anyone. I don't want to get any phone calls about fights, okay? If he looks at you funny...”

“I'll tell him he's ugly and smells funny.”

“You and him look almost exactly alike, so...”

“He does smell funny though. All boys smell funny. Even you daddy. When you get upstairs from the gym.”

“One day you'll meet a boy that won't smell,” he promises.

“As if! I'm staying single. Forever.”

“I thought you wanted a husband and eight kids?”

“Not anymore. I'm becoming a feminish.”

He can't help but laugh. “It's feminist.”

“However you say it, that's what I'm becoming. I don't need no man. Auntie Nik says there's a lot of really strong and beautiful women that don't have men and don't need them.  Mommy is definitely not a feminist.”

“Well not by those standards she's not.”  Through the rear view mirror he watches as a dark gray sedan pulls up behind him. The driver giving him a small nod in greeting before killing the ignition and climbing out from behind the wheel. “I have to go, Millie. I've got to start looking for those kids. I'll call later okay?”

“Okay, daddy. I hope you find them.”

“I hope so too. I love you.  Tell your brothers I love them. That mommy does too.”

“I will,” she promises, and then disconnects the call.

The passenger door pops open just as Tyler slips his cell phone into the side pocket of his pants, not speaking as the other man climbs in and does up his seat belt.

“You're the last person I expected to hear from,” Mark smirks. “We didn't exactly leave things on good terms. What's going on?”

It's time, Tyler thinks. Time to swallow your pride.

“I need your help.”

[megalony]

Help me, Doctor- Part 4

This is the final part of my Doctor! Ben Hardy series, I hope you have all enjoyed reading this series.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @luvborhap @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac @vousmemanqueez @jonesyaddiction @rogahs-drowse @milanosaurus @httpfandxms

Series taglist: @blog-hannahnicole

Summary: (Y/n) is referred to Ben when her other doctors don’t know what’s wrong with her. Ben is one of the best doctors to treat her… but the problem is that he already knows (Y/n) and has slept with her before.

Part 3

Ben Hardy masterlist

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What's happening?" Gwilym darted his eyes around the room as he walked inside with Joe following closely behind him.

Both of them had felt anxiety rattling through them when Ben paged them to say they had to come down to (Y/n)'s room immediately. When Ben admitted her into the hospital they both tried to help Ben in coming up with any kind of diagnosis that could help. All three of them had done tests and scoured through every medical textbook they had but nothing seemed to come to light and (Y/n) was undoubtedly getting worse.

Her symptoms were coming and going but they were having a bad effect on her and it seemed to be speeding up. There were no months in between symptoms where (Y/n) seemed to go into remission, she was going into a downhill relapse and no one knew why and they couldn't stop it.

Ben couldn't give (Y/n) any antibiotics or medication because he didn't know what she had. If he gave her a treatment for something she didn't have he could make her body weaker and he could damage her brain if he treated what she didn't have. He couldn't play with her life and take a risk of treating her for something he thought it was because he had no proof that this was what it was and without evidence, it was just speculation.

All Ben had been able to do was give (Y/n) antipsychotic medication to try and relieve her sudden schizophrenia and it had thankfully worked. Within three days (Y/n) wasn't hearing the whispers and voices surrounding her like she had done before. But with the voices disappearing, another symptom took its place and Ben couldn't stop it.

"I don't know what to do."

Ben turned to face his two colleagues with tears welling in his eyes causing them both to feel startled. Ben was not one to cry and he was not one to show his emotions around them, much less at work. They both knew (Y/n) was special to him and they knew her case was rattling Ben's cage like never before but they were now realising that he was at breaking point now.

Before Joe or Gwilym had the chance to ask Ben what had happened he beckoned them further into the room to come and see (Y/n).

Ben took a seat on the edge of the bed next to her, watching as her eyes seemed to soften but he could still see the worry swirling around in her pupils. He wished things would have been different. He wished that they had continued to see each other and had gotten together because they had been seeing one another rather than because he had become her doctor. Ben wished their relationship had had a normal start as opposed to becoming closer as he tried to find out what was wrong with her.

He wished that he didn't feel like a failure because he couldn't find a diagnosis for her.

"Sweetheart, lift your arms up for me." Ben motioned with his hands for her to stretch her arms out towards him like she had done moments before he paged the boys.

Both Joe and Gwilym stood at the end of the bed to see clearly what was concerning Ben but they didn't know how to respond. (Y/n) tried her hardest to do as Ben had asked but her limbs were shaking and when she stretched her arms out in front of her and tried to lift them, she could only just raise them off the bed. They trembled far too much and after two seconds she had to lower them to her sides again.

Leaning over, Ben pressed his lips to the top of (Y/n)'s head before he stood up and walked over to the boys. One hand rested on his hip as his other hand brushed over his mouth and jaw, a motion that showed he was getting anxious.

"She's losing motor function, fast. I tried to help her up with a nurse but she can't stand and she can't move her arms... she can't even speak, she's becoming locked in." Ben brushed the stray tear from his eye as he swallowed harshly. He had noticed a few days ago that (Y/n) couldn't move as easily as before and he and the nurses had tried doing arm and leg exercises with her but it hadn't worked.

This morning when he and a nurse eased (Y/n) from the bed and to her feet, she couldn't place her feet firmly on the floor. Her feet caved and twisted the wrong way and she had no ability to place them flat on the ground or hold up her own weight. Her legs weren't moving much at all either and now her arms were losing their ability to function.

Ben had had to sit and cradle (Y/n) like she was a child during the night because she couldn't speak and the shock had caused her to have some kind of panic attack. She could murmur and try to make noises but her throat and voice box couldn't function properly to convert the noise into words and it was terrifying (Y/n) to no end. She was losing her functions in the blink of an eye and she was becoming locked in her head because her thoughts were still working.

(Y/n) could see and hear what was happening around her and she could think and form sentences and speeches in her head. Her mind was continuing to function properly but she couldn't verbalise or show what she was thinking because her body was failing.

"So we know for sure something is affecting all of her brain if it's got her motor skills and her speech..." Joe trailed off as he drifted his eyes over to look at (Y/n), managing a small smile in her direction so she wouldn't start to panic. Ben had always known that it was her brain that was the problem but they now knew that they couldn't narrow it down to a specific area or lobe of her brain because all the different areas were now affected.

"Put monitors on her to see her brain waves and function, surely if there's an anomaly or a glitch, we'll see it." Gwilym folded his arms over his chest as he tried to think about what else they could do. At least if they could see the activity of her brain then they could see if a part of her brain was suddenly not working or overworking or if something glitched, they would know where it was and what was happening. It was something they could easily do for the time being whilst they thought of something else to try and do.

"I need to find a cure. I've put her on Diazepam for the seizures because she's suddenly having two or three a day and she's still on the anti-psychotic meds but I'm no closer to finding out what's wrong with her. If I don't come up with something soon... what if these effects are irreversible?"

Ben had had to keep (Y/n) on the meds to stop her psychosis because although it had stopped now, he couldn't take her off them in case the symptoms came back. Her other symptoms seemed to have repeated recently and were flooding back so Ben had to keep her on the meds as a precaution. He also had to start giving her Diazepam which stopped seizures and muscle spasms as well as controlling a few other medical problems.

(Y/n) started to have more seizures since being admitted into the hospital and some of them were seizures where her limbs jerked and spasmed but more recently she was having seizures in her brain. Her eyes would roll to the back of her head and the monitors would scream and go viral because her brain was being affected but her body seemed to lock in place.

Ben knew it clearly hurt to have the seizures and it wasn't doing her any good to constantly keep having her brain spasm out and seize. So he had to have her on medication all day every day, he was dosing her up on Diazepam so that her brain would dull down enough to stop the seizures.

But Ben didn't know if these symptoms were going to be reversible, if he even found a cure and a diagnosis for her. He could cure what was happening in her brain but there was no guarantee that the symptoms would disappear and (Y/n) would recover. She could stay locked inside her head and become immobile like this for the rest of her life.

All of them knew that if no one found her a cure soon, her symptoms would become so severe that either her brain or heart gave out or her brain shut down and sent her into a coma. Ben couldn't have that be the outcome, he couldn't lose her so quickly when she'd only just come into his life. He couldn't lose her and find out that he could have so easily cured her. Ben needed to help her now before it was too late.

"Put her on Ciprofloxacin, it could be an infection in the membrane-"

"And if it isn't and I give her that I can make her intolerable to antibiotics or shred her immune system. I'm not giving her anything like that unless I have the diagnosis so we have to find it now."

Ben couldn't put (Y/n) on antibiotics because if that wasn't the diagnosis and Ben gave the medication to her she could become intolerable to the medication. It was a strong dose of antibiotics so if (Y/n) got through this and needed those in the future she wouldn't be able to have them and Ben was at risk of ruining her immune system with them if there was no infection. She didn't have meningitis which Ciprofloxacin was mainly used to treat, it was too dangerous.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ben watched (Y/n)'s eyes drift up to look at him with a kind of pain in them that made his heart shatter and his stomach churn. She was pleading for help because for one month, she had been trapped with almost no abilities left that she had had almost all of her life.

(Y/n) felt as if she was reverted back to being a child, unable to speak, only to mutter and whine. Unable to walk or even move her legs and unable to move her arms or bend her fingers correctly. Her thoughts were always rambling but she couldn't express them in any way and it hurt to feel like she was locked inside her own body with no way to get out.

Ben was the only source of refuge that she had.

He came in every day without fail and spent almost all day with her, she wondered if he even stayed with her during the night too. He had brought cards that they used with other patients that had pictures on them. Some had coffee, some had food, some were of usual things such as clocks or music or tv. It was the only way Ben could help her to communicate with him, he would lay out some of the cards and get (Y/n) to point or simply look at whatever she wanted.

(Y/n) felt at ease when Ben would come in and talk to her. He came in as both her boyfriend and her doctor, he spoke to her like she wasn't ill and he checked the monitors and did blood tests and little tests during the day like asking her to point to something or write something out so he could check her brain function.

He even did some more MRI scans to contrast the new images of her brain to the old ones and see if there was any change or any part of her brain that was working more or less active but the little contrasts weren't any signs of an illness.

But Ben did find something interesting.

(Y/n) was still losing movement but she was gaining some as well. She was still able to move her right arm and hand even if the movements were stiff and her leg but she couldn't move properly or walk. He was noticing that the symptom of mixing things such as numbers and letters was coming back to (Y/n) again too.

"Hey, sweetheart. I need you to do something for me... can you draw that clock on the wall please."

Ben placed a plain piece of paper and a pen on the tray in front of (Y/n) and waited for her to make a noise of agreement before he took her right hand and gently placed the pen between her fingers. He helped curl her fingers around the pen before he moved back to let her do as he requested.

(Y/n) made small murmurs of concentration and strain as she tried to draw a circle for the clock but the circle was squiggled and very uneven because she didn't have enough control over her hand. She lifted her hand and bashed it back down on the table to move the pen up further so she could start drawing the numbers.

Joe entered the room just as (Y/n) had finished, and for the first time, he saw a look of hope in Ben's eyes.

"The right side of her brain is inflamed, look at how she sees the clock." Ben handed the piece of paper over to Joe as he felt a spark of hope lighting up in his chest as his brain was in overdrive to think about the reasoning for this. He could feel the cogs turning in his head as he suddenly realised just what this could be.

Joe's jaw went slack as he looked at the drawing. (Y/n) had drawn the circle for the clock, but she had written every number on the clock on the right side of the clock and left the left half blank. If the right side of the brain was inflamed it affected what that half of the brain did and the right side of the brain controlled the left half of the body and vice versa with the left half. She couldn't move the left half of her body and she couldn't interpret things properly because one half of her brain was on fire.

"What do you think's causing it?" Joe could see now why they could never find something wrong with (Y/n). Inflammation wouldn't show up on any of the scans they had done, nor on the monitors checking her brainwaves.

"She's got Anti-NMDA receptor encephalitis." Ben felt like his heart was going to explode out of his chest as he reached over and took (Y/n)'s hand in his own.

This was an auto-immune disease which meant that her immune system was the cause of the disease. It thought something in her brain was a threat and her white blood cells had started to attack the receptors and nerves in her brain. It wouldn't show in blood tests and the brain was still functioning so the scans and tests wouldn't see anything wrong.

"Check the brain spinal fluid and I'll go sort out the antibiotics." Joe put down the piece of paper before he darted out of the room.

The way to test for this disease was to check the fluid in the spinal columns connecting to the brain. The fluid would show any abnormalities and the changes in the cells that would be formed to show the disease. When they got the results back they could start (Y/n) on the medication straight away and get her back to normal.

"You're gonna be okay, sweetheart."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Three more steps." Ben encouraged as he stooped over a little, resting his weight onto his hands that were holding onto the two metal barriers on either side of him.

His smile wouldn't disappear from his lips as his eyes couldn't move away from (Y/n) who was standing in front of him.

It had taken just over two months to get her to this point and he couldn't believe this was now happening. As soon as they got the results back and knew Ben had the right diagnosis, Joe had gotten the antibiotics ready and they had started (Y/n) on the medication to stop the inflammation in her brain and calm down her immune system. Within days (Y/n) was able to get back her movement and feel like she could start to talk. Her head no longer felt like it was burning and her brain had calmed down.

The seizures stopped, she could read properly without her mind switching up words and numbers here and there. She wasn't hearing any voices in the back of her head and there was no paranoia eating away at her telling her that she wasn't safe and that everyone was out to get her.

But recovery hadn't been the easiest.

(Y/n) was going to have to take medication for the rest of her life because if she stopped, her immune system would simply start to attack her brain again. The medication dulled down what her immune system had done and it stopped it from attacking her brain so it would stop and the effects would disappear. But she had to take them in order to keep her body healthy.

With the ability to speak coming back to her, (Y/n) had to go to speech therapy and learn how to talk again like she was a child. And physiotherapy was needed for her to be able to walk again because her legs had been unused for over a month. She had gained back full control over her limbs and her mobility but it wasn't as easy as just standing up, she had to be able to get her feet firmly on the floor and work out how to use her legs again.

Ben had been there every step of the way.

He had taken her to speech therapy, he had been there when she first stood up and got out of bed and he had been there when she stood up on her own. Ben knew how physio worked so after a week, he was the one helping her to walk and they had the sessions every day so (Y/n) could get better quicker.

Right now, (Y/n) was trying not to lean on the metal barriers that she had used for these two months. She had gripped them and dragged herself to walk for a while but now she was trying to properly walk without needing to hold onto something to ease her weight from her legs. (Y/n) wanted to walk from one end of the barriers to the other to get to Ben without needing any assistance and she had three more steps before she reached him.

When she could walk properly and they knew for certain that her brain had recovered, she could go back home and start going to work again and (Y/n) couldn't wait for her life to start again. Up to now it was as if someone had pressed pause on her life and was only now allowing it to continue.

"C-catch me." (Y/n) stated quietly with a smile as she managed to lift her feet rather than shuffle over to Ben. It was hard to walk properly when before she never had to think about forcing her leg up and her foot to lift and then place back down. But she was walking again and to have her mobility back, felt invigorating. Her arms reached out when she got to Ben and he wrapped his arms around her waist to catch her when she stumbled against him.

He couldn't help but laugh at the sweet but dopey smile on her lips as she reached him. (Y/n) slung her arms around Ben's neck and pressed her chin into his chest so she could look up at him properly.

"There's my girl." Ben mumbled before he leaned down and pressed his lips against her own. Feeling her grin against his lips which caused him to break the kiss to smile. "You'll be coming home in no time." Ben whispered as he rested his forehead against her own, tugging her a little bit closer so her chest was pressed up against his own.

(Y/n) bent her knees to relieve the tension so it didn't feel like she was standing up for too long but Ben was holding up most of her weight making it a lot easier for her.

"Thank you." (Y/n) pushed away the tears threatening to spill from her eyes as she spoke earnestly. She reached up to kiss the corner of his lips but Ben's eyes narrowed quizzically. He didn't see why she was thanking him, she had spent almost six months with no diagnosis and then almost two months locked inside her head whilst he and every other doctor seemed to run around like headless chickens trying to find a diagnosis.

Ben should be thanking her for being the most patient and understanding person he had ever treated.

"Don't thank me, sweetheart. You have something so easily treatable but we couldn't find it at first. I should be thanking you for being so patient-"

He didn't feel that he deserved any praise. Ben had been given all the clues by all the symptoms (Y/n) had had and he should have found this out earlier. She could have been saved from being locked in her body or from having psychotic episodes or from the paranoia and the pain if he'd of only thought of this autoimmune disease. It was a rare disease but Ben had scoured every textbook and didn't even think or come across this idea.

"Y-you thought o... of the clock, you knew i-it was my brain and the right side. You got t... the diagnosis for me when no one else believed me... and you didn't leave me. Thank you."

Ben had asked (Y/n) to draw the clock that gave the diagnosis he needed, he noticed that the right side of her brain was the one being affected in the end. He had been there for her when she had her seizures, he gave her the medication to stop them when she had felt like her head was splitting in two. Ben had believed her when every other doctor thought she was either an alcoholic or she was exaggerating. Other doctors had come in to give their opinion when (Y/n) became locked in her body and none of them knew what to do or what was happening, except Ben.

He found out what was wrong and he didn't leave her for one single moment when she needed him. (Y/n) would be eternally grateful to him for that.

Ben started to sway them from side to side as he rested his forehead against her own, having never felt so content in his life before. It didn't care how (Y/n) came into his life anymore or how or why they got together because they were together and she was okay. Ben would never ask for anything more than this.

"I don't think I could ever leave you, sweetheart. I love you far too much for that."

[batskulldrag]

Phoenix by Fallout Boy

Trigger warnings for abuse mentions, I still don’ t know how to link my chapters

chapter eight, i’ll be honest, there are no Oc’s in this thing. everyone is gonna be a youtuber or a dream daddy character. if you look up dream daddy, you’ll see who cameos where. 

Chapter Eight: Gives You Hell by All American Rejects.

               Virgil looked around the office. This totally looked like a child therapist’s domain. The walls were littered with posters and every flat surface had a figurine or a plushie of some cartoon character. He absentmindedly pet the stuffed bear that shared the couch with him.

               Ok, I’m calling it. He concluded in the silence. I’m just gonna get one of my uncles. There’s no shame in that right?

               Yes, there is.

Damn it, you again. That voice was starting to sound familiar.

“Hey-ya Virgil.” The shrink beamed as he walked in the door. “I’m Dr. Picani, we’ve met.”

“Yeah,” Virgil sighed. “You prescribed the anti-anxiety meds.”

“How are those working out for you?”

“The valium makes me tired. But they said that it might.”

“Are you having to take it a lot?”

“Uncle Logan gave me one a couple of nights ago. They don’t really let me decide when to take them.”

“That’s fair. It’s pretty habit forming.” Picani nodded. “Like Krabby Patties, but drugs. Why did Logan give you one of your pills?”

“I…” He looked around, could he trust this guy? “What happens to this information after we’re done?”

“The society of the blind eye erases all of it.” Picani smiled. “I’m not going to tell anyone if that’s what you’re worried about. That’d breach my doctor/patient confidentiality.”

“That applies to minors?”

“I mean, I have to tell your guardians. But I’m sure they know what you know.”

“I had a nightmare that night.” Virgil focused on the stuffed bear. “I woke up screaming.”

“What was this nightmare about?”

“Stuff.” Virgil pulled his legs to his chest as a barrier. “The uncles burst in for some reason.”

“I’d wager because you were screaming.”

“Yeah. Anyway, they couldn’t calm me down. And honestly that’s all just a blur to me. But they couldn’t shut me up, so Uncle Logan gave me one of the pills. It was all kind of surreal.”

“In what way?” He held out a hand like he was giving Virgil the question. “It sounds like they handled it really well.”

“I wet the bed.” Virgil said harshly. “Like a fucking toddler.”

“That’s some pretty strong language there. Sounds like you had quite the nightmare.”

“That’s what Uncle Patton said. And that’s all he said.” He mimicked Patton’s voice. “That must have been a doozy of a nightmare kiddo. If you wanna talk about we’re right here, but if you don’t, we’ll just get you cleaned up and you can go back to sleep.”

“And that upset you? Do you feel like he was patronizing you?”

“No.” Virgil yelled, frustrated. “I feel like I still have bruises from last time my dad caught me wetting the bed!”

“And you’re upset because Patton keeps catching you off guard?”

“Yes. I don’t know what he’s gonna do. I-I think he’s probably gonna keep being nice, but what if he doesn’t?”

“Virgil, I like to equate my patients to cartoons to help them understand this.” Picani said, tipping his folded hands towards him. “And you are very much a Raven.”

“Like I eat roadkill? I mean ravens are cool and all, but I don’t follow.”

“Ok, Raven is from a cartoon called Teen Titans, it’s about teenage superheroes.” He explained. “Raven is a half demon born from a terrifying being called Trigon. He plans to use her as a sort of gateway to the apocalypse so he can rule their dimension.”

“Cool.” He perked up. “What does this have to do with me?”

“Well, Raven’s father saw her as nothing but a means to his end and would constantly torture her to control her. Mostly by haunting her mind, and this led her to be very guarded around the other titans. Because she didn’t know who she could trust.”

Virgil felt cold. The doctor suddenly seemed very far away, but still painfully close. Who was this guy? How could he sit there in his round glasses, his button up shirt, his tan cardigan and his frigging pink tie and read his mind? How?

“No?” Virgil whispered, balling himself tighter.

“No, she didn’t know if they would reject her, or betray her or what. Fathers are important and knowing you can’t trust the one person who is supposed to protect you can make you put your guard up. It can even make you try to guard yourself against kindness.”

The power of Christ compels you, get out of my brain!

“So, you can see the parallel, can’t you?”

“I guess,” Virgil pulled up his hood. “I mean, my dad just kind of used me as a prop. Signing me up for all kinds of academic stuff without asking me what I wanted. Because what he wanted was a kid he could show off. Someone who could be seen and not heard. Someone submissive. I signed up for wrestling without telling him just so I could have something that was mine. Something that didn’t fit in with his mold. But he found out. And he put a stop to it.”

“How, if you’re ok with me asking.”

“He went ahead and told the coach and the rest of the team that I was taking medication for bed wetting. Which there is for some reason a medication for. It didn’t work, I think it was a placebo.”

“You were still wetting the bed in sixth grade?” Picani looked concerned.

“Yeah, they all thought it was hilarious too.” Virgil sneered.

“I don’t, that’s a serious sign of emotional abuse.”

“Really? I thought there was just something wrong with me.”

“Like what?”

“I dunno, a brain tumor or something.”

“No, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’ve just been under a lot of stress.”

Virgil pulled his hoodie down over his legs.

“Are you cold, or do you just not want to talk to me?” Picani smiled.

“I’m not sure yet.”

“Ok, we won’t talk about Payton anymore.” Picani offered. “We can talk about something else.”

“There’s nothing else to talk about.” Virgil clenched his fists. “I only exist as an extension of him. Only doing the stuff he deems proper, only talking to the kids that he allows. Which is a dwindling list. Like I said, I’m just his prop. It’s like, you know when a gay dude dates a girl because he doesn’t want to admit he’s gay. Even to himself.”

“Yes, I’ve seen a lot of those.”

“It’s like that, but one step further. He gets to show off what a smart kid he has, and that somehow validates him. Like his sperm is awesome or something.”

“Well, I’m not here to analyze your dad. We’re here to talk about you.”

“What about me?”

“Well, we know that, like Raven, you feel like you need to have your guard up. But within the show Raven started letting her guard down around her friends and they helped her deal with her issues with her father. They all even defeated him in the end. But the point is that she couldn’t have done it alone. She needed them to help her grow past what had happened.”

Virgil put his feet on the floor.

“How am I supposed to know when to let my guard down? What if I let it down for the wrong person? What if I get hurt again?”

“You don’t have to tear down all your walls at once. And you don’t have to do it for the first person you see. I’m not telling you to make a total change. No one can rewrite their entire personality after just learning something once.”

“Is that from a cartoon?”

“Yes. But it’s true.”

“I guess.”

“It is, and Raven didn’t do a complete one eighty right away either. She let her walls come down slowly. And that is what I want you to do. Ok?”

“Ok.”

“We don’t have to discuss the abuse in detail right away. And you don’t have to tell the whole thing to your uncles just yet either. I just want you to understand that if Patton or one of the others is being kind to you, it’s just them being nice. No motives, nothing you need to protect yourself from.”

“Ok.”

                                                                             #             #             #

Patton sat anxiously in his side of the glass. He thought these things only existed on TV. He watched guiltily as a guard brought Payton in. He was dressed in orange and had his wrists cuffed. Patton felt as if something just injected him with ice water. Payton sat down, glared at him through the glass and picked up the phone one his end.

“I figured you’d turn up eventually.” He said coldly. “Let me guess, you want custody of Virgil.”

“I wanted to talk.” Patton dropped his shoulders.

“What could we possibly discuss? The weather? Well, the weather in here is climate controlled.”

“Payton, I want to help you.”

“Bail is going to be set at something you can’t afford. You can’t possibly help me.”

“We can get you counseling or something. You don’t have to be angry.” Patton bit his lip. “You don’t have to lose your son. You can…”

“Change?” Payton finished for him. “That’s the problem. I don’t want to. I don’t see the problem with wanting a well-behaved kid. Or a promising career. Do you?”

“No, but…”

“Then why is the way I’m going about it so wrong?” He cut off.

“Because they’re investigating you for doing illegal stuff from when you were a lawyer. Because you got arrested for child abuse. Because your actions effect other people.”

“There it is.” Payton pointed at him. “By that logic, I can’t put a criminal in jail because being in jail would make him so unhappy. And defense lawyers are Satan because they defend bad people without thinking about the victim’s families.”

“Why is everything always an extreme with you!?” Patton stood up. “I ask you if you want help and you try to deconstruct society.”  

“Aren’t you worried that your anger is affecting other people.” Payton smirked.

“Pay, please.” Patton sank back into his chair. “I don’t want to have to do this. I want to help you.”

“I don’t want your help. Serve your papers and go.”

“Payton please! If this is truly just an act, then for the love of God drop it right now! You don’t need to do this to be powerful. You don’t need to be powerful. So, can you at least drop this smooth tough guy thing for me. You don’t have to act like this for people to like you. You can change if you want to. I don’t care that you don’t feel things the same way as everyone else, I just don’t want you to hurt people. You don’t have to be isolated!”

“Too bad you didn’t leave those papers sooner.” Payton said coldly. “Then you could have stormed off after your little speech. But now we both have to sit in it.”

Patton stared at his brother in shock. He felt tears leaking down his face. He was losing it, he was losing Payton, he was losing this argument.

“I’m sorry.” Patton choked. “I’m sorry you feel like you need to act this way. I’m sorry I have to do this to you. I’m sorry you don’t want my help. I’m sorry you don’t wanna be my friend. And I’m very sorry you don’t want to change.” He stood up. “I gave the papers to the guard. Maybe you and me will meet sometime between here and eternity. And you can apologize to me and admit you were wrong.”

Not wanting another snide comeback, Patton hung up the phone and walked away. He sat in the car and cried for a long while before going to join the others. Virgil was just coming out of his appointment as he arrived. Naturally, Patton ducked in and hugged him.

“You ok?” Virgil laughed. “I was only gone for an hour.”

“I just needed a hug, kiddo.” Patton smiled in response.

Logan grabbed Patton’s shoulder knowingly and Roman nodded at him. Virgil looked at them curiously his lips parted slightly and his eyes thoughtful. He clearly knew something was up, but probably not what.

“You ready to rebuild your wardrobe after a whole week of quarantine?” Patton ruffled the kiddo’s hair.

“Sure. It’ll be nice to get out of the house, I guess.”

“That’s the spirit!” Roman slapped him on the back, almost knocking him over. “Now, settle a bet between myself and Logan. Are mummies and zombies the same thing?”

“No,” Patton answered quickly. “I don’t even see a single similarity between a mother and the undead.”

Logan groaned. Not unlike a zombie.

“Ok, mummies and zombies are not the same thing. Like even at all.” Virgil explained.

“I know, zombies don’t raise you.” Patton agreed.

“Are you really going to keep that up?” Logan asked, murder in his eyes.

“They’re both undead though.” Roman objected.

“Vampires are undead, are mummies vampires?” Logan retorted.

“Look, if a zombie bites you, you turn into a zombie. If a mummy bites you, the worst that’s gonna happen is you get tetanus. And you need to hit zombies in the brain to kill them, to kill mummies you have to break the curse or set them on fire.” Virgil continued.

“Between this and the ‘Jack is the bad guy thing’,” Roman pointed at him teasingly. “I’m really starting to not like you.”

Virgil dropped his shoulders and looked shocked. Like, genuinely shocked. He wasn’t just playing along.

“No, don’t get upset!” Roman immediately yelled. “I was only kidding. I was just trying to be funny. I still like you.”

“I knew that.” Virgil blushed and looked at his feet to save face.

“Ok then kiddos.” Patton put his arm around Virgil’s shoulder. “Let’s get going.”

They rode in a pleasant combination of silence and joking around. Patton sighed. They were just like a family.

“Virgil.” Roman sounded surprised. “Someone wrote ‘you’re gullible’ on the ceiling.”

“Joke’s on them.” Virgil didn’t look away from the window. “I can’t read.”

“Roman, if you wrote on the ceiling, I swear…” Logan started angrily.

“I didn’t. The joke is you tell someone that you’re gullible is written on the ceiling, and when they look there’s nothing there. Then you smirk at them because they fell for an obvious lie and are in fact gullible.” Roman explained quickly and tiredly.

“Hey uncle Logan.” Virgil chimed in. “What did this Virgil guy do to wind up as hell’s tour guide anyway?”

“He was in purgatory for not believing in God, but he was considered a perfect person. So, he couldn’t go to heaven or hell. That’s why they had purgatory.”

“What did he do that was so awesome to be considered Mr. Perfect?”

“I believe Dante liked him because he was a poet when he was alive.”

“That’s it?” His disappointment was audible.

“Even I don’t like the writer character concept.” Roman sneered. “It reads like self-insert fan fiction.”

“Isn’t the inferno self-insert fan fiction of catholic doctrine?” Patton asked looking back at Roman and Virgil. The Italians as he would now call them.

“Ok, Patton broke literature.” Roman sighed.

“By that logic, which is perfect.” Virgil began. “All writing is fanfiction. It’s alternate universe fanfiction of real life.”  

“No.” Logan stumbled on his words. “I don’t like that.”

“I was wrong. Virgil broke literature.”

“Oh, good we’re here.” Logan sighed with relief.

Patton looked up at the front of the thrift store. It wasn’t too crowded for a Saturday.

“Ok kiddo,” Patton turned around to explain. “I know this is probably not what you’re used to, but we usually find cool stuff in here. We don’t have to replace everything at one place.”

Virgil looked at the store curiously, the back at Patton.

“Can I pick out my own clothes? He had a glimmer in his eyes.

“Yeah, we weren’t gonna do it. You’re a big boy.”

“It’s important to have your own style.” Roman added.

Virgil’s eyes lit up at the prospect of this newfound freedom.

Was there anything you were allowed to do? Inner Patton grumbled.

While they were in the store Virgil hung around Patton. The furthest he ever got away was about three feet. They bumped into each other a lot.

“Virgil.” Patton said softly. “You can go look at stuff. You don’t have to follow me.”

Virgil looked around tensely. He somehow had no idea what to do. Patton turned around and rubbed his temples. This wasn’t right.

“Let’s have the fashion orientated one help him shop.” Roman swooped in. “Nothing against you Padre, but you have three loud Hawaiian shirts and you still wear socks with sandals.”

“Just don’t dress him like Elton John.” Logan prodded, appearing behind Patton and wrapping his arms around him.

“I don’t dress like Elton.”

“You wore a feather boa on picture day.”

“You wore a dress to school once.” Patton added.

“I was Cinderella for Halloween.” Roman defended.

“How’d you find a dress your size?” Virgil mumbled, utterly baffled.

“Large and extra-large.” Roman moved his hands to the beat of the words. “Now let’s find you some new things.”

Roman led Virgil off.

“I thought you might need one of us to rescue you.” Logan explained.

“I’m really upset.” Patton said bluntly. “Virgil either acts like an adult or a little kid. It’s not right.”

“I know.”

“It’s almost like Payton broke him.”

“I know.”

“He’s so skittish around us.”

“I know.”

“It’s like he expects us to hurt him!”

“I know.”

“I don’t know if I’m doing this right.”

“You are.”

“I thought you were gonna say ‘I know’” Patton sighed.

“You knew that I know.” Logan hugged him tighter. “You needed to hear that you’re doing a good job.”

“What about this?” Virgil showed up out of nowhere, holding a purple, plaid flannel shirt.

“Where did you come from?” Logan looked at him startled.

“Virgil,” Patton sighed. “You can pick out your own clothes. You don’t need our approval.”

“What if I come back here with a dress?”

“We already established that Roman wears dresses sometimes.” Logan shrugged.

“That wasn’t a one-off joke?” Virgil leaned back. “He did that more than once?”

“Well, they made an issue about him wearing the dress on Halloween. So, he wore a dress for the rest of the school year.” Patton explained.

“And then more and more people started joining him.” Logan looked at the floor. “Including Patton and me.”

“And Remus started showing up in tight leather skirts.”

“Who’s Remus?” Virgil tilted his head.

“Roman’s twin brother. I told you about him.”

“They named him Remus?” Virgil squinted. “But Roman’s name is Roman. So, that makes them Roman and Remus. Like Romulus and Remus?”

“Hey,” Patton chirped. “You get it.”

“Their father was a history teacher.” Logan sighed.

“And their mom got no say in what to name them.” Virgil smiled sarcastically.

“I guess not.” Patton nodded. “Now, you go off and get some more clothes.”

“I’ll be back with a nice dress.” Virgil pointed sinisterly as he backed away.

“He is cute.” Logan agreed as Virgil left.

Virgil reappeared with Roman in tow. Roman looked a bit annoyed.

“What about this?” Virgil held up a black long sleeve shirt grey flowers going up the sleeves.

“You don’t need to sign off with us.” Logan sighed.

Roman looked at them as if to say, ‘now you know.’

“But is it ok?” Virgil really didn’t grasp this.

“Virgil, I draw the line at lingerie. Don’t come back here with sensual undergarments.” Logan explained flatly. “Aside from that, we trust your judgement on what you want to wear.”

“It’s beautiful.” Patton said blankly. “Go find some other cool things. And don’t worry about approval. Feel free to show us anything cool, but no more asking if it’s ok. Ok?”

“Ok.” Virgil nodded. He smiled at them and pulled up a grey shirt with a raven on it. “Quoth the raven; nevermore.” He recited happily.

“I didn’t know you were interested in poetry.” Logan smiled.

“Poe-atry?” Patton added. “Get it, pun intended.”

“Pun always intended.” Virgil added seriously.

“He’s a poet, and he didn’t know it.” Roman recited dramatically.

“Why must you always make dad jokes?” Logan sighed.

“Oh, lover’s tiff.” Roman teased. “We’d better let them have a moment alone. Come on Virgil, let’s find you some pants.”

The two walked off back into the aisles.

“While we’re here we should get some books on parenting.” Patton said flatly. “I have no idea what I’m doing.”

“I completely agree.” Logan paused. “On getting books that is. I think you’re doing fine.”

“I left Virgil to try a few things on.” Roman came back to them. “He seems to be having fun.”

“That’s good.” Patton looked at the floor.

“What did Payton say?” Roman said softly.

“He doesn’t want my help. He doesn’t want my friendship. And he doesn’t want Virgil.”

“Maybe that means he won’t fight us for custody.” Logan lied, and they knew he didn’t believe that for a second.

“Logan.” Roman sighed. “We all know that Clod Frollo is going to fight us tooth and nail. Whether he has a chance to win or not. Thanks anyway.”

“That’s just evil.” Patton stared intently at the ground. “It’s not like we’re fighting over a toy. This is a person. A person he’s more than willing to torture just to spite me.”

“What do we think of this.” Virgil interrupted, mimicking Roman’s voice.

Virgil stood before them in a floor length, strapless prom dress. The purple satin flowed off his gaunt shoulders like water. He held the top portion up with one hand as he modeled it cockily for them. There was a glimmer in his eyes that the other three hadn’t seen before.

“I know you’re joking. But you totally work that dress.” Roman’s voice got gayer. “But you probably need something with straps. You’re not as well-endowed as an eighteen-year-old girl might be.”

“Are you saying I can’t wear this because I don’t have boobs.” Virgil took on an effeminate tone and did several hand gestures.

Once he stopped holding the dress up it slid down around his waist. He went red and pulled it back up in an instant.

“I’m gonna go change before someone steals my clothes.” He said quietly.

“Well, it certainly is a good thing you don’t have bosoms.” Roman joked to lighten the mood. “Or you would have flashed the whole store.”

Virgil looked at him, beet red and pointed one hand accusingly.

“Don’t think you can get out of giving me one of those crappy beaded necklaces.” He said, barely holding back laughter.

Virgil walked off and Roman fell to the ground laughing as soon as he was out of sight.

“It looks like he’s gained a little bit of weight since he’s been with us.” Patton observed awkwardly.

“And that rash seems to have cleared up.” Logan agreed.

Neither of them wanted to be the one who was shocked at how skinny Virgil actually was, or to have to point out how many yellow bruises still marked his skin. No one really wanted to mention that he weighed all of ninety-five pounds. Not now, not while he was happy and acting like a kid again.

“I love him.” Roman broke the tension, wiping away tears. “Adopt him faster.”

“I’m glad he’s happy.” Patton smiled.

“We’ll pick up a few books on nutrition as well.” Logan added. “I’d like him to regain the weight healthily.”

Virgil rejoined them with an armload of findings.

“No dress?” Roman faked disappointment.

“It didn’t work with my hair.” Virgil mimed fluffing long hair.

“That’s ok kiddo,” Patton ruffled his hair. “We’ll find you a dress for prom.”

Virgil laughed softly and stared down at his feet. Patton pulled his hand back. These were always the moments when Virgil’s anxiety would pop up. Patton was tempted to think that he had post-traumatic stress disorder. And after thirteen years of that kind of abuse who wouldn’t.

“You ok sweetie?” Patton knelt to eye level.

“I’m fine.” Virgil looked up at him, his eyes were watery. “It’s just kind of dusty in here.”

“Ok,” Patton pretended to buy that. “How about we try to find you some shoes? You and Officer Joan don’t exactly have the same feet.”

“Shouldn’t we wait until I get the cast off?” Virgil rubbed one of his arms. “Otherwise my shoes are gonna wear out at different time.”

“Shoes don’t wear out at the same time anyway.” Roman swatted the idea out of the air. “My left shoe always disintegrates at least a month before the right has any problems. And I’m a dancer, I go through shoes twice as fast.”

Virgil looked at him as if he didn’t know what to say.

“Well.” Logan clapped his hands, which made Virgil jump. “There’s no harm in looking. And whether you choose to wear the shoes before or after you get your cast off is up to you. But you need shoes regardless.”

“I’ll help you look.” Roman hooked his arm around Virgil’s shoulders. “I know it’s tempting to just get the cheapest shoes you can find, but pricier shoes are much cheaper in the long run. Shoes are an investment.”

“Mama always said that if you’re gonna spend money you should either get new shoes or a new bed. ‘Cause you’re always in one or the other.” Patton added happily.

“And Patton says to get the cheapest pants you can find, ‘cause you know you’re gonna take them off as soon as you’re in the door.” Roman teased.

“Not in front of Virgil.” Patton mumbled harshly.

“Why not?” Logan stabbed him in the back. “If you plan to continue taking your pants off Virgil is going to see it at some point.”

Virgil looked up at them questioningly, there was a glimmer in his eyes. Probably hope.

Maybe we should just tell him. Inner Patton suggested. But I don’t wanna tell him and end up losing him. That’d be the ultimate blow. To make that kind of promise and not be able to keep it. I can’t put him through the stress of a courtroom drama. And I certainly can’t give him hope just to take it away. And I really can’t do any of those things in the middle of a thrift store.

“Come on kiddo.” Patton ruffed up his hair, which was very soft now that it was clean. “Let’s find you some edgy footwear.”

They walked in silence towards the shoes.

“Hey Kiddo,” Patton looked down at his nephew. “I bought shoes from a drug dealer. And I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day!”

Virgil beamed up at him and laughed his poor little repressed laugh. Roman sighed; Logan face palmed. Life was good.

“I like that your drug dealer is your go-to guy for shoes.” Virgil smiled. “Is he your sole supplier?”

“Yep, he always gives me good shoes and some drugs to boot.”

“How are his prices? Would you say they had high tops?”

“Some are stiletto sharp.”

“I hope he’s not too Sketchers-y.”

“No, he’s a really Nike guy.”

“Does he know how to shoe the cops away?”

“He sure Adidas.” (Addi-Does).

“I will end you both!” Roman stopped them. “No more dad jokes.”

“Agreed,” Logan added. “That was painful.”

“You two never did get my sense of humor.” Patton pretended to sob.

“Maybe their shoes are too tight.” Virgil offered flatly.  

Patton ruffled Virgil’s hair once more.

“Glad to see you’re swimming in my end of the gene pool. The fun side. The side with all the pool floaties.”

Virgil smiled at him in return. Could this be it? The moment he isn’t body tackled by fear when he was with them? Was he finally comfortable? Virgil rubbed his arm and smiled awkwardly. The uncertainty danced in his eyes. Maybe next time.

They reached the shoes and found a familiar figure dressed in gothic attire. His shoulder length black hair draped over his pale face as he examined a pair of boots. Similarly, his black cloak draped around his white shirt and black vest, enveloping him in a shadow.

“Damian!” Roman called out to him happily.

“Salutations fellows!” Damian returned eagerly, holding out his arms. “It has been ages since I’ve seen you.”

Patton darted over and hugged him.

“I know,” He sighed. “We’ve been swamped with things and we were kinda under quarantine. Did you know scarlet fever and strep throat are the same thing?”

“Yes, I did learn that they were one and the same.” Damian smiled. “I was a bit disappointed.”

“Oh!” Patton suddenly looked over his shoulder. “You haven’t met Virgil yet!”

Patton saw that Virgil was standing right where he left him. Virgil stood there, mouth agape and eyes sparkling. He radiated pure awe.

“Looks like you have a fan.” Roman commented shooting a grin in Damian’s direction.

“Virgil,” Logan said calmly. “This is our neighbor Damian.”

“You look awesome!” Virgil yelped. “You look like one of the cool vampires! Or, someone straight out of Henry James! Did you time travel here, or are just awesome in the present?”

“I assure you I’m from this time era.” Damian smiled warmly. “And I am charmed by your appreciation for the gothic subculture.” He bowed with a flourish. “You must be Virgil.”

“I am.” Virgil squeaked, still star struck. “I’m staying with my uncles until…” He looked over his shoulder at Logan, then he looked at Patton. He shrugged. “Until something happens, I guess.”

“Well, I do hope your stay is pleasant. And that this unforeseen event is a good one.”

“I’ve had a good stay so far.” Virgil perked up. “Hey! We have the same color eyes.”

“I noticed. But I’m afraid mine are colored contacts.”

“I don’t think I’d have the guts to poke my own eyes.”

“It’s not quite that bad. And one does get used to it.”

“Say, Virgil.” Roman added eagerly. “Damian has a son around your age.”

“Really?” Virgil looked between the two of them. “Is he ok to hang out with?”

“Well, he has the occasional rebellious teen moment.” Damian said, trying to mask concern. “But he is a really sweet young man. And I’m sure you two would get on like a…” he paused. “I’m sure you two would get on.”

Virgil looked to Patton for permission. Patton smiled and gave him a thumbs up. Maybe he just needed reassurance this time around. Maybe he won’t be like this every time like he was with the clothes.

“Cool.” Virgil turned away from Patton. “I’d like to meet him sometime.”

“Will the four of you be attending Jenna and Julian’s barbeque for Memorial Day?” Damian asked, turning to Patton.

“I hope we can make it.” Patton smiled. “It’d be a good way to introduce Virgil to everyone.”

“That is true.” Logan adjusted his glasses. “Food often softens the blow of social interaction.”

“We’ll make a goth out of you yet, Logan.”  

“Maybe you can get some kids to sign your cast.” Patton ruffled Virgil’s hair.

“Yeah, that does sound cool.” Virgil smiled at him, a pensive look in his eyes.

They continued their banter with Damian and managed to find a pair of black sneakers in Virgil’s size. With their clothes mission finished Patton took Virgil for a lap around the miscellaneous section to see if he could find anything to spice up his room.

“Do I need to have stuff in my room?” Virgil asked, trailing a bit behind him. “I don’t know how long I’m gonna be here.”

Patton paused. Did Virgil really think there was a chance they’d ever let his dad get him again?

“You’re gonna be here a while Kiddo,” Patton reassured. “At least as long as I have a say in it.”

“Ok, but I read that kids in foster care normally end up back with their parents.”

“Who said you were in foster care?” Logan emerged from behind them. “You’re staying with us for at least another seven years. That’s the minimum sentence for arson in this state.”

“So, he’s really going to prison?” Virgil looked skeptical.

“Well, he did break the law.” Patton put a hand on Virgil’s shoulder. He flinched and relaxed.

“But don’t people like him always get off with stuff? He a huge list of people that he was blackmailing, and no one caught on. His law practice is dodgy at best, no one said anything. And…” He trailed off. “No one did anything.” He whispered.

Tear started showing in his eyes and he trembled at the thoughts coming at him.

“No one did anything when my grades dropped from A’s to F’s. They just assumed I was stupid. No one did anything when I lost twenty pounds because a can’t eat without throwing up anymore!”

Patton wrapped his poor anxious little baby in his arms.

“It’s ok. It’s ok. You’re safe now.” He soothed, stroking Virgil’s hair.

“What about when he dislocated my elbow?” Virgil’s voice became a sob. “Or when I ‘fell down the stairs’ they didn’t even check if he was lying about the morphine. There was no way he’d know if I was allergic to it because I’d never had it before. They could have checked!”

“Patton maybe you should take him out to the car.” Logan said quickly. “Roman and I will pay for everything and be right with you.”

Patton nodded and gently pulled Virgil towards the door and managed to get him out without a struggle.

[ilovemygaydad]

Friends in Dark Places [ch 5]

pairing: eventual moxiety, eventual logince, background eventual remile, background eventual remy/emile/deceit

WARNINGS: mentions of needles, mentions of antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds, mentions of self harm, mentions of depression, guilt, food mentions, possibly something else

tag list: @hufflepuffgirl01 @cocobearthe4th @cas-is-a-hunter@band-be-boss-blog @theunoriginaldaisy

a/n: so i have to repost all of these in a different format! yay fucking me!!!! please consider reblogging these if you’re a fan of this series because it’s all fucked up now

first - previous - next - companions

consider buying me a coffee (please)

-

Every few hours, a nurse would come in to check Virgil’s vitals and blood pressure and to ask questions about his mental well being. Each time a nurse entered, Virgil tensed. He was terrified that he could say something wrong--that one tiny misstep could see him shipped away to some mental facility where he’d be poked with needles all the time. Luckily, Patton was still there, keeping him grounded and in control of his thoughts. He was extremely grateful for that.

After a particularly intense meeting where they’d asked about self harm and pushed far too hard for his comfort, Patton pulled a small gift bag out of his backpack.

“I had Logan and Roman pick this up from the gift shop yesterday, but I decided to save it until you really needed it.” Pat placed the bag onto Virgil’s lap and watched expectantly. Virgil pulled away the tissue paper and gasped. There was a tiny cat plushie inside, which he took out with careful hands.

“This is awesome, Patton. Thank you.” A hint of a smile spread across his face.

“It’s no problem, kiddo! Now, why don’t we listen to some of that sweet music of yours? I know it calms you down.” Patton reached for the phone, but Virgil stopped him.

“Aren’t you missing a ton of school to stay here, Pat? Don’t get me wrong; it’s nice to have you around as moral support, but I don’t want you to fall behind.” He rhythmically squeezed his new plushie in an attempt to stay calm.

“Roman and Logan will bring me my school stuff tonight, and I can access lessons online for most of my classes. Don’t worry about me, kiddo. Worry about yourself.”

“Alright…”

---

Over the days, Patton and Virgil fell into a simple rhythm. There were three check-ins before lunch, three before Logan and Roman showed up at around 4, one before dinner, and two before Logan and Roman left for the night. Even though they had to stay an extra half-day “just to be sure,” the schedule stayed the same, and Virgil didn’t really worry about it. When he was finally discharged on Saturday morning, the doctor had offered to prescribe antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication.

“It might help with your suicidal ideations,” he’d coaxed. He had the same sugary sweet twinge in his voice that the nurses had as if he was trying too hard to be genuine.

“Um, that’s okay. I don’t think I’ll need them.” Virgil’s voice was shaky. He didn’t want to take any medicines that messed with his brain, especially ones that had a higher chance of addiction. He didn’t need anything like that to top off his pile of problems.

“Alright, but if you ever decide you do, here’s my extension so you can get a prescription.” The doctor handed him a slip of paper. Virgil just nodded as he watched the doctor leave. He’d already changed into his normal clothes and makeup, though his normal hoodie had been swapped out for a deep purple one because his normal one was had been covered in blood and deemed a “biohazard.”

Virgil pushed himself off of the hospital bed and cringed at the loud smack his high tops made when his feet hit the ground. He grabbed his backpack from the floor and waited for Pat to gather all of his things. Roman and Logan had taken the suitcase back to Patton’s house on Thursday, so there were only a few things left to be taken. When Virgil glanced back at Patton, all he saw was a pile of blankets and cardigans walking towards him.

“Um, Pat? You need some help?” Patton’s head popped up from behind the pile.

“Nope. I just need you to push the buttons of the elevator and open the doors for me!”  Virgil opened his mouth to say something but stopped himself. Better to not ask any questions.

As soon as they hit the ground floor, Virgil let out a sigh of relief. He didn’t have to be in this damn hospital anymore, nor did he have to answer the invasive questions from the staff, and he certainly didn’t have to eat the gross hospital food (that soup definitely wasn’t made with chicken). Plus, he didn’t have to take the elevator whenever he wanted to get anywhere.

“Hey, Young and Menace,” Roman greeted as the duo got into Logan’s car.

“What’s up, Fancy Pants?” Virgil quipped. It wasn’t his best remark, but he cut himself some slack after being in the hospital for four days.

“Logan,” Patton whined, ignoring the squabbling. “Can we pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaasssseeeee go get pancakes? Pleeaaaaaassseeeee?” He sounded like a toddler who was trying to beg his parents to buy him a new toy that he seriously did not need.

“Didn’t you just have breakfast an hou--”

“But Logan! It’s a special occasion!”  Logan glanced back at his friend in the rearview mirror, and it was obvious from his face that he’d caved.

“Fine.”

“YES!” Patton screeched and hugged Logan around the seat, much to the latter’s dismay.

After stopping for takeaway pancakes, Patton and Virgil were delivered home. Once again, Pat took a giant mound of things in while Virgil only carried his backpack. He’d had tried to convince Patton to give him some of the items, but he was only met with refusals. Defeated, he shrugged and made his way into the house.

“I had my parents set up a room for you near me. I think it’s all ready, if you want to head upstairs! It’s the door across from mine,” Patton said with a strange hint of excitement. Something was definitely up, but Virgil couldn’t quite think of what could be waiting for him.

Together, they maneuvered around the maze house and climbed the stairs. Before Virgil could open the door, Patton shyly said, “I should probably warn you that I have a surprise for you. It’s nothing big, so don’t worry about it at all, but I wanted to make sure.”  Virgil highly doubted that it was “nothing big” since nothing Patton did for his friends seemed small, but he turned the knob anyway. He looked back at his friend before pushing the door open.

Virgil wasn’t much of an exaggerator (okay, maybe he was sometimes), but he literally lost his breath for a moment when he saw the room. Inside, the room had been painted dark grey, with black and purple sheets, a metal desk, a black dresser, and even a few movie posters hanging on the walls. It was incredible.

“Patton, you had this done for me? Seriously? That’s so fucking cool!” Virgil walked in and sat down on his bed, discarding his backpack on the floor.

“Of course, kiddo. I have one more surprise, so wait right there while I get it.” Patton literally dropped all of the stuff in his arms onto the floor and ran into his room. Virgil rubbed his hands on the blanket on his bed, and he found the sheets had an incredibly soft texture no matter which way he ran his hand across it. He was so busy examining the blanket that he hadn’t realized Patton had returned.

“Here’s your last surprise, Virge!” he exclaimed. Virgil snapped his head to look at what Pat was holding.

“Is that… a paper chain?” The teen on the bed was thoroughly confused.

“Yeah! While we were in the hospital, I was researching things about depression and anxiety, and I stumbled upon this thing called the Paper Chain Project. Basically, you add colorful rings for every day you go without self harming, and if you relapse, you add a white chain, but continue the chain each day after without self harming. It’s supposed to show you that if you’ve resisted before, you can resist again.” Patton held out the three-link chain to Virgil, who hesitantly took it.

The first chain was made of light blue construction paper and had “Wed, April 26. To Virgil, From Patton. I hope your journey continues with happiness and success.” The other two, made of purple and pink paper, had nothing on them. Tears welled up in Virgil’s eyes

“I… I…” Virgil’s voice trailed off into a sob. He was so lucky to have been found by Patton that night. For once, he actually saw a pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel.

The mattress next to Virgil sunk down as Patton sat. “I know, kiddo. I know.” Patton’s arms wrapped around him, anchoring him. He took his arms and returned the hug, crying softly into the other’s shirt.

“’When Rome’s in ruins, we are the lions,’” Patton sang. He must’ve been subconsciously learning the songs Virgil had played during their time in the hospital. “’Free of the coliseums. In poison places, we are anti-venom. We’re the beginning of the end.’”

Patton sang until Virgil’s tears had finally dried out. Virgil pulled away and hastily wiped at his eyes with his sleeves.

“Thank you, Patton. For saving me, twice, actually, and for staying with me and for doing all of these really incredible things for me. You’re an awesome friend. Like, the best ever.” 

Patton’s normal smile only grew larger. “That’s what friends are for, Virge! Now, I’m sure you want to spend a little time alone, so you’re free to roam the house if you want to, or you can use our extra laptop to go online or do homework. It should be in the desk drawer.” Patton stood up and gave a quick wave before heading to his own room.

Virgil sat on his bed for a few more minutes, twisting the paper chain around in his hands, before standing up to find the laptop. He hadn’t contacted a single one of his teachers about his absences, and he dreaded having to explain that he’d been in the hospital for four days. He pulled the laptop out of the desk, along with a pen and a few sheets of looseleaf paper.

There was no password on the laptop, luckily, so he easily booted it up and opened Chrome, signing into his school email account. He had about fifteen emails from his teachers. Most of them were “Hey! I’ve noticed you haven’t been at school for the past few days, and you hadn’t been planning a vacation, so here’s your homework you’ve missed,” but the ones from his Graphic Arts teacher really stood out.

From Anna Miller (millan@westview.k12.fl.us)

To Virgil Thomas (thomvir@westviewstudents.org)

Subject: April 24

Hey, Virgil! I noticed you were acting a bit down today and wanted to make you’re doing alright. I’m really excited to see your design for the banner project, by the way!

See you tomorrow,

Mrs. Miller

From Anna Miller (millan@westview.k12.fl.us)

To Virgil Thomas (thomvir@westviewstudents.org)

Subject: April 25

I noticed you weren’t in class today, so I hope you don’t mind me checking up on you, Virgil. After yesterday, I’m just a little bit worried about your well being. I hope to see you tomorrow; you always bring a good dose of sarcasm to class, and I’m beginning to miss that.

Mrs. Miller

From Anna Miller (millan@westview.k12.fl.us)

To Virgil Thomas (thomvir@westviewstudents.org)

Subject: April 26

Hey, Virgil. You’ve been missing for a few days, and it’s starting to worry me. I tried to call your parents, but neither would pick up. I’m sure you’re okay, but I just want to make sure. You’re a really good student, but I’m sure you know that. It’s been very hard to keep class on track without your witty remarks.

Mrs. Miller

From Anna Miller (millan@westview.k12.fl.us)

To Virgil Thomas (thomvir@westviewstudents.org)

Subject: April 27

Virgil, although it’s against my better judgement, I’ve decided to stop emailing you after this one. I’m very worried about you, but sometimes people just don’t check their emails. The lessons from these past days are linked below. There hasn’t been any homework since we’ve just been working on banners. There isn’t a lesson for tomorrow, so don’t worry about that.

Mrs. Miller

Virgil immediately clicked the reply button on the last email.

From Virgil Thomas (thomvir@westviewstudents.org)

To Anna Miller (millan@westview.k12.fl.us)

Subject: Re: April 27

Mrs. Miller,

I’m really sorry to have left you hanging these past few days. Yes, I’m okay. I had an accident on Tuesday that put me in the hospital for a few days. I’ll be back tomorrow, but I might be a little out of it. I’ve had my living arrangements be mixed up as well, so I’m trying to get used to the change. I might need a few days to catch up as well, since I don’t know if I’ll be able to do 16 lessons worth of stuff in two days.

Virgil Thomas

Send. Virgil let out a breath that he hadn’t even realized he’d been holding. It had completely slipped his mind that Mrs. Miller would be worried that he’d suddenly disappeared, especially with how close they were. It left a little pang of guilt in his stomach, but he knew there wasn’t much he could do about that. At least he’d eventually gotten back to her.

He clicked around through the emails, collecting assignments and downloading lessons. Virgil was already feeling overwhelmed by the work. He had at least thirty math problems for each day that he’d been gone, plus the ones he’d neglected on his birthday, fifty pages of reading for AP Gov, and he needed to make the set designs for the upcoming show for his Theatre independent study, since they were beginning production soon. He decided the set designs would be the easiest, so he started on that.

They were doing Rodgers and Hammerstein’s “Cinderella Enchanted” for their spring musical, which was really exciting. Although Virgil was all doom and gloom, he really enjoyed making fantastical sets for the shows that really packed a punch for the whole atmosphere. He’d been told they’d have backdrops for the village and ballroom, but they’d need wall pieces for the house and the outside of the house in the garden scene. He needed to pick out furniture when he could actually see what they had in the shop, but pieces they definitely needed to build were a fountain for the village center, the carriage, the pumpkin patch, and the flower arch for the kiss scene outside of the palace. It wasn’t too intense, but it was still a lot. Virgil made rough sketches of some basic layouts, adding labels for clarification.

When he was finished, he felt very accomplished, even though the plans were pretty plain, and the more definite details would need to be discussed once building began. Virgil looked over his work and set them to the side. He checked the time on his phone and was shocked to see that it was already 3:30. He had been so sure he’d spent only an hour at most on the designs, not three. A sigh escaped from his mouth. Might as well go to check in with Patton.

He tidied his desk just a bit before heading over to the opposite room. Virgil lightly knocked on the door and waited to hear a response. After no reply, he knocked again, slightly harder this time. He heard some rustling behind the door, and then the door suddenly opened to show a slightly disheveled Patton standing in front of him. Virgil was slightly taken aback.

“Um, Patton? Are you okay?” He made a sweeping gesture of Pat’s messy hair and clothes.

Patton smiled. “Of course! I’m just having some trouble with some of my Physics homework.” It seemed to be more like a lot of trouble, but Virgil really couldn’t blame him for struggling. Missing four days of school would be hard on anybody.

“Do you need help? I had physics last semester and got a pretty good grade.” Virgil didn’t mention he’d gotten perfect scores on every test, nor that he never missed an assignment due date or extra credit project.

“Oh! Sure, kiddo. That’d be very nice of you. Thanks.” Patton stepped out of the way and gestured inside his bedroom. The two took seats at Patton’s white desk and worked on trajectory and resistance problems until Pat’s dad had come to tell them that dinner was ready.

next

[agnes-knits-blog]

Things I wish I had known about fibromyalgia, and how to live with it

To put this into context, I was diagnosed about 10 or 11 years ago now, and it was a diagnosis reached by excluding other things that could be causing my symptoms. I had X-rays and MRI scans, I had something very unpleasant called electro-conductivity testing to rule out multiple sclerosis, and then I was told that I have fibromyalgia, have this leaflet, please close the door after you. I was basically forced to deal with it myself for a long time, and I’ve learnt quite a lot about how to manage myself. I hope what I learnt can help you.

What is fibromyalgia?

Fibromyalgia means “muscle and nervous pain”. Current research suggests that it is a dysfunction of the central nervous system (that is, the nerves that tell your brain what you’re feeling), so nerve signals are misinterpreted as pain.

Symptoms include, but are not limited to:

Widespread muscular and nervous pain, fatigue, headaches, cognitive dysfunction (problems concentrating, poor memory, slow or confused speech) extreme sensitivity of the skin, extreme sensitivity to pain (as in, you accidentally catch your finger on the cupboard door, it hurts really badly and it still hurts 2+ hours later), muscle stiffness after being still for a while, muscle spasms, poor sleep quality and waking up tired, dizziness and clumsiness, feeling too hot or too cold (because the body isn’t able to regulate it’s temperature) sensations like tingling, numbness, prickling or burning in hands and feet (and maybe other areas), anxiety and depression.

That’s a lot of symptoms, and chances are you don’t get all of them, and other people will be affected differently.

Stress

Stress makes fibro worse. It makes the pain worse, it makes everything harder to cope with. It’s not just me saying that, it is a scientific FACT. I know if I get upset, stressed  or angry, my pain INSTANTLY increases. I can’t watch horror films anymore, every time there’s a jump-scare I feel like I’m being showered with needles! So, it’s really important to try and keep your stress levels down. Find hobbies that help you relax. Choose to be calm and happy! It will really help!

Pain

How you think about your pain needs to change. It isn’t a matter of “powering through” and having to “man up”. If you have fibro, you have something which means your nerves are nearly always screaming at you that stuff hurts. LISTEN to your body when you exercise. If it tells you doing something hurts, slow down how you are doing it. Slow your movements down, focus on how you feel and go gently. If it burns or hurts more than you are prepared to deal with, leave it for the day. Get some rest, take some paracetamol and ibuprofen and relax! If the pain gets too much – as in, can’t eat because feel sick because pain, or can’t walk/do daily tasks anymore, go see your GP about pain relief. It took me 8+ years to find a doctor who took me seriously and understood the condition, and gave me the pain meds I need to function day to day.

My current meds are: 2 x cocodamol (30mg codeine/500mg paracetamol) x 4 times a day. 1 x 100 mg gabapentin twice a day. 1 x 100mg sertraline (anti-depressant) twice a day. 45mg mirtazapine at night. That’s a lot of anti-depressants because I also have Bipolar Disorder (used to be called manic depression). Gabapentin has been an absolute godsend for me! It’s really helped tone down the constant prickly/tingly sensations

Sleep

Sleep is incredibly important. When folks with fibro don’t get enough sleep, or don’t get enough deep sleep, everything hurts so much more. Fibro can disrupt your sleep cycle so you don’t go into the deep sleep your body needs - so SLEEP IS IMPORTANT! If you sleep well, you will be so much more able to deal with everyday pain. So try your best to get a good night’s sleep. Create a bedtime routine – go to bed at a decent time (around 11pm at the latest) after a warm bath or shower. Have some extra-soft pyjamas or loungewear to get into after coming out of the bath or shower. Have a hot (non-caffeinated) drink e.g. herbal tea, hot milk, Horlicks or Ovaltine. Don’t watch TV in bed! Do not spend too much time on tablets, phones etc past 9pm (blue light from screens will make you feel more awake, use a blue light filter if it’s built into your devices).

This may make you feel like an old fogey, but SLEEP IS IMPORTANT! Like, super duper important! And you need to do everything you can to make sure you sleep well. However, and this is the real kick in the teeth, sometimes you can do everything right and still wake up exhausted. If that happens, talk to your GP about medication to help you sleep. There are various anti-depressants that are commonly used for this, like amitriptyline (which I used to take, and my sister takes now), and I am currently on mirtazapine to make me properly sleepy. There’s a happy side effect in that these drugs also help to lessen nervous pain.  

Fatigue

As you will have noticed by now, fatigue isn’t just feeling tired. It’s feeling exhausted, like you haven’t slept for a week, and you can barely do anything before you have to stop. On days like this, you only have a little energy, and you have to be careful how you spend it. Figure out what HAS to be done (e.g. need to do the laundry so you can have clean clothes tomorrow, dishes need to be done because you have nothing to eat off and you are hungry), and what can wait until you’re feeling better (e.g. vacuuming). You can’t do everything at once, so take it one task at a time slowly and at your own pace. Give yourself breaks if you need it. It’s important to cut yourself some slack and allow yourself to come back to it later. Be kind to yourself. Ask for help if you need it. No one wants to see you struggling with something, or in too much pain to cope.

Cognitive dysfunction (a.k.a. fibro-fog)

Some days, your head might feel like it’s been stuffed with hot cotton wool. You can’t think straight, and you can’t find the words to properly express yourself. You will probably forget things that are a change from your normal routine. People may ask you if you’re on any drugs! Unfortunately there’s no treatment for it, but you can find ways to deal with it.

Use a calendar or paper diary – writing things down may help you to remember them better. Make lists of important things WHEN YOU REMEMBER THEM – you can’t rely on yourself to remember them another time. You have to try and leave yourself reminders. Future you is forgetful, so present you has to plan for it! And if you forget something important, be prepared to apologise!

Food

I’m know it’s very tempting, when you’re in pain and tired, to just order some delicious food delivered to your door, but you’re gonna find it very hard to lose weight when you can’t do lots of cardio, so it’s best to eat healthy most of the time. Keep frozen chopped onion and garlic in the freezer, and tinned tomatoes and pasta in the cupboard, so you can knock up a good meal with minimal effort. Try to have a folding stool in the kitchen for you to perch on whilst cooking. Make it easy to eat well, and save the left-overs for lunches!

Exercising

You’ll probably find it very hard to keep exercising like you used to. Try to replace high impact exercise with something low impact like cycling (not spin class!) and rowing. Maybe try something like yoga or pilates (I know, it’s old lady stuff, but it’s still good for you!), low impact stretching and general core work will be good for you.

DON’T do exercise classes where you will get constantly yelled at to go harder. Don’t let other people set your pace! Let your body tell you how fast you can go!

In general, don’t let other people set your pace. Sometimes you will need to go more slowly, if you feel unsafe on your feet (as in, knees might give out and you might deck it, right in the middle of the street) consider getting a stick. It took me years to finally admit that I needed one, but it has seriously helped me. My sister went through the same thing a few months ago, and I told her: it isn’t you admitting defeat or failure, it’s you doing what you need to do to help yourself. Plus she now has something to trip people up with if she doesn’t like them!

And to anyone who says that fibro isn't real, or is all down to lifestyle factors, I say this: me, my sister and my aunt have all been diagnosed with fibro independent of each other. And I have reason to believe other members of my family might be showing symptoms too! There is clearly a big genetic component at play, so blaming people who can't exercise for being overweight is counter productive as fuck.

[letsimportanttreecollection-blog]

umaine orono insurance

"umaine orono insurance

umaine orono insurance

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://financeandcreditsolution.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

RELATED QUESTIONS: 

Will I get a car insurance rate hike?

In Pennsylvania, if you are given a traffic citation, and are told points will NOT be accessed on your driving record with DMV, will my car insurance stilll go up?""

Is there any life insurance you can get for stroke victims?

My sister had a massive stroke and she needs life insurance because she may die.

What is the cheapest car for car insurance?

I'm looking at buying a car, but I want one with really cheap insurance. I'm 17 so I know it will be pricey, but what is the best car that will keep my insurance low?""

Do they let you take insurance?

hi does insurance companies in US,let you take life term insurance if you have HIV..""

Do I have to have my mom on my car insurance?

I recently bought a car(mustang!) and I was able to get a pretty low premium, do I need to put my mom as a additional driver? She has her own car and her own premium.""

How much will my insurance go up after being charged with hit and run on a parked car?

I recently was charged with hit and run on a parked car (for the record I didn't realize I hit the car), there was hardly any damage at all to either car but I am wondering how much I can expect my insurance rates to go up. Over 100%? Hopefully I won't be convicted as I really didn't notice that I scuffed this cars bumper.""

""What is the best car insurance for a single girl of 20, full-time job, and living in a safe neighborhood?

a price would be cool along with the insurance name

What is the reliability of these private insurance companies?

Say some of Private sector insurance companies like TATA or Bajaj or Aditya Birla Group etc offering schemes like Cr life cover or pension plan for a minimum 500 or 800 per month premium etc....But What is the guarantee that those companies will even exist after 25 years...How is my money guaranteed?please help.

How does exhisting back injuries affect your insurance health car life?

I was hit on the head with a 68lb box. I have 3 herniated disc in my back, major nerve damage etc.... How does this effect my car insurance? If I get in a wreck am I not covered because ......What if the meds I'm on or my vertigo is the cause? I'm screwed right? How does this effect health insurance... am I un-insurable? Any web link would help. I'm 26 and its been 7 months... I still cant lift over 5lbs.""

Can I get insurance that isn't based in my state?

I currently live in South Carolina and I'm in need of a particular surgical procedure, and my current insurance provider rules the surgery as cosmetic when in fact, an orthodontist, dentist, and an oral surgeon all suggested that surgery is a good option for me. They've all told me the same thing, however, that the surgery is difficult to get approved. So I did a bit of research and only one insurance company in the entire United States covers the procedure (That I could find). But, this insurance (Kaiser Permanente) isn't offered in my state. It is however offered in Georgia, which is relatively close. So my question is, could I switch to Kaiser Permanente if I don't live in Georgia, California, or one of their other locations? It's orthognatic surgery, in case it's relevant.""

How Much is this Emergency Room Visit without Insurance?

My aunt got really loopy yesterday after hearing bad news and i took her to the emergency room. They took her blood pressure, pricked her finger to test her blood sugar, the nurses/doctor asked her questions, and they gave her an anti-anxiety pill. That was it. No xrays or anything else. it took about 3 hours all together with the waiting. would this still be about 500 - 1000 bucks?""

My car insurance in RI?

I have car insurance in Rhode Island and my son lives with me. When I went to lower my coverage I found that my son had been included in the policy as a driver. I do not let him drive my car at all and they said that since he is licensed and living with me he is automatically included in the policy. This sounded to me as so much hogwash and I hope that someone can fill me in on this weird rule.

""Saving to buy a car, what do i need to know about insurance?""

so i just turned 21 and have been saving up for a car. i'm looking to purchase through the owner, not a dealer. this will be my first car purchase and i'm wondering how insurance works. do i just research different insurance companies and then call and talk to them to set things up? do i need to have purchased the car first or can it be handled beforehand without the title? just trying to get an idea before i dive in!""

Car Insurance Renewal?

Dear Mates I have been driving for a year,The car that I have got is Micra 1 litre. Just received a letter from my current Insurance Provider. Letter says that my car insurance is 1807 for this year, if I pays Monthly. Which is about 300 more than last year. Even this year, I have got 1 year No Claim Bonus. What you guys think, is that OK or is it too much on this car? How much do you pays at the moment? Many Thanks""

""If a trucking company is self-insured,what are deductibles?

I've been told that I have to cover damages in a backing accident between two trucks belonging to the same self-insured company.

Insurance on a 69 camaro?

How much will it cost a month for insurance on a 69 camaro and i live in florida and im 16

In New York: Best health insurance on the cheap?

This information is for my stepdaughter and her family. After long term unemployment her husband recently went back to work as a trucker. He might bring home around $500 per week. They presently have no health insurance, although she said a New York State program would cover her two younger children. This leaves her and husband uninsured because his new job has no health coverage. Somehow she found a company willing to insure them for around $200+ a month. What this insurance covers I do not know. (By the premiums, I don't think much) The problem is they don't have much more than the $200+ to pay per month. Can someone tell me how to find(in New York) legitimate insurance companies with affordable cost? Also how can I educate myself on health insurance, the details, so that I can advise them correctly? They're in their late 30s and in reasonably in good health. Any an all advice greatly appreciated Tony""

Can i pay for a car and insurance together monthly?

Like on finance or something? so i pay the insurance and the car price on a newish car both at the same time each month?

I have a car insurance question (teen)?

I am a 16 year old teen just about to get my license pretty soon. I am aware of the fact that insuring a teen is incredibly expensive and annoying. my family is middle class. the car that i really want now is a 2004 infiniti G35. the car itself would be around 5-12k which i can put up most of. but my dad is not gonna let me because of the insurance of a teen driving a sports car. i know that, but i really do not want to be driving a piece of crap. i know a bunch of friends my age from my town who have 2012 sports cars i just don't get how they afford them.can someone explain to me the price of a male teen driving a 2004 coupe. and i am aware that there are exceptions such as school. if you get good grades its less.. can someone please let me know of any exceptions to help me pay less insurance.. THANK YOU IN ADVANCE..""

Where can i get cheap and full coverage auto insurance?any good suggestions?

need full coverage for my car . I am looking around $150.00 a month MAX. Thanks!

UK: Converting standard car to kit car to reduce insurance?

I'm 19 and I drove a Jaguar S-type in the US. I've moved back to the UK and my insurance premiums are looking around 7000 (roughly 4x of what it was in the US). What I'm thinking is what if I buy an s-type, and replace the engine with a small 1.6L engine (I don't care about speed, just luxury) and change the car to a 'kit car' status, will that lower my insurance to a more affordable rate? Thanks for any advice.""

""Who will pay for my flooded car, the city or insurance company?""

This past weekend I get a knock at the door from some neighbors during a storm telling me that I should move my truck out of the street. I walk outside and see that my truck is sitting in nearly four feet of water. The water level rose up to cover the seats and nearly reached the dashboard. We put it in neutral and pushed it down the street so most of the water ran out. We used towels to get out what we could that night. I didn't try to crank it, and I unhooked the battery cables. When I tried to crank it about 18 hours later it would not start. My question is, can I sue the city for the flood damage to my truck since their sewer drainage system was responsible for the localized flooding on my street? Can they be held responsible for this? Or will I just have to settle with what the insurance company will give me for the truck since it is undoubtedly totaled? I have already paid about $19500 on the truck, but I still owe about $8600. How much can I actually expect to get?""

I can't afford my car insurance...?

I need transportation so I can work. But why should I have to choose between car insurance or food and medicine? Shouldn't the Government come up with a single payer plan for automotive insurance too! Its not fair that I have to pay for this out of my own pocket.

Car insurance in new york?

hey guys, I'd like to know what would be the ballpark for insurance. I'm 24 years old and have had my driver's license since 2003 and never have had parking violations, points taken off my license or any type of moving tickets. I'm looking to buy a 96-00 civic and would like to know around how much I would be quoted""

What other types of insurance should I get?

So far I'm going to get family health insurance, life insurance, and Car insurance. I'm going to have kids. Anything else I should have? We rarely have natural disasters where I'm from.""

umaine orono insurance

umaine orono insurance

How much would it cost to insure a large SUV for a 16 year old?

I have always wanted this car: http://pictures.topspeed.com/IMG/crop/200608/2006-toyota-sequoia-1_460x0w.jpg The Toyota Sequoia. I know it gets crappy gas mileage, but ive seen worse. And plus Im not gonna be driving that much either. my school is very close to me, along with all my friends houses. But how much will insurance be at your best guess? Also, if I don't blow off gas, and waster it, how much money do you think I will pay per month in California? Dont try to tell me that I am not old enough to be behind an SUV, because 1) Im going to be learning how to drive from my parents in an suv, so i will have some experience 2) my parents want me to get an SUV 3) Im not a dumb a** whos gonna go 50 mph and try to cut a corner and flip over. Bottom line is, im getting an suv and thats that.""

What's a good looking affordable car for a teen?

My budget is going to be about 15-25k and I like muscle cars like camaros and dodge challengers! Any other good lookin cars?

Americans. What cars do you normally have as your first Cars. As a cheap car with cheap insurance?

I was just wonderng What kind of cars American tennagers ahve for there first Cars I might think of importing one

Will my car insurance go up much?

im planing on buying a new car in the next few weeks, im just wondering, will my insurance go up much? I currenty have a Peugeot 206 GLX 1.4, 2000 reg. I am hoping to get a Vauxhall Corsa S 1.0 ecoFLEX, 2011 reg What other cars should i consider, that are cheap to run/ insure / road tax ectect..""

What are the pros and cons of car insurance?

What are the pros and cons of car insurance?

A way to make health insurance premiums to go down.?

To make it affordable we have to come up with a no-profit system for health insurance companies. Since that would never happen, due to our capitalist economy. I would suggest the ...show more""

Health Insurance (Prescription insurance denied) Why?

Bad title for this question I know. I have never really had to go to the doctor for anything, ANYTHING. Recently I went to go see one because my energy level has been horrible, and I am always fatigued. After seeing the doctor, and getting lab work done, I had spent almost a $1000 dollars. But still, I'm okay with that, if its like one visit every six months or so, so what. Anyways, they found my Testosterone levels to be really really low. So they put me on a medication called androgel. Let me tell you, I can only get 15 days worth of this medication at a time, but every time I go to Walgreens to get a refill, I spend hundreds. Tonight when I picked it up it cost me $268.41. I called everywhere to see about health insurance, even though I only need help with prescriptions. I dont know what to do. I dont need all out full fledge health insurance. But apparently if I tried to get it anyway, I would be denied due to a pre-existing condition ((WTF))!! Apparently the only people who can qualify for health insurance are those who dont need it to begin with. And those who need it are denied because of a pre-existing condition. They are no programs that help with prescriptions that I know of, that dont require tons and tons of paperwork, audits, background investigations, and appointment after appointment. I am really upset and am lost with regard to getting the medication my doctor says I need, reduced in price. I cant afford almost $600 a month. But if even if I try to get health care, i will be denied. Could someone please help me out : ) Thanks for checking out my question I dont have health insurance because I never needed it. Plus I have always been responsible with my money""

Can a life insurance sole beneficiary claim be disputed in Arizona?

The mother of my 4.5 yr old son recently passed with no will. Her 25 yr old son (half-bro) being oldest blood relative, locked my son out of his home and proceeded to stake claim to everything his deceased mother had, car, cash, final paycheck, $3800.00 income tax refund check (probably less than $30,000. total assets) but no real telling. Come to find out she had a employee life insurance policy which she named the 25 yr old as sole beneficiary. does' my son have any rights to claim anything?""

""Young motorcycle riders, how much is your insurance?

Im wondering how much insurance will be for a 19 year old for a 08' R1...im thinking about financing one but of course you cant have it without insurance..i would like to know about other riders and their insurances...and which one would be the cheapest for me..

Health insurance for an immigrant who's over 65?

My parents and I are thinking about bringing my grandmother to the U.S. but we are worried about health insurance. My grandmother is 87 years old and has many medical conditions so we need to get her something that would cover the medical expenses. She will be an immigrant because she doesn't have U.S. citizenship or green card, and she has never worked in this country. Since she is over 65 years old, she cannot get a health insurance, but I am hoping that she can get something that is similar to Medicare, Medi-Cal, or Medicaid. I know that Medicare is for people who is either a citizen or permanent resident and who has worked least 10 years in Medicare-covered employment. Is there anything that my grandmother could be eligible for medical health plan or insurance although she is an immigrant, over 65 years of age, and never worked in the U.S.? Any advice or suggestion would be much appreciated.""

How much will my insurance go up after a claim?

i was in a crash it was my fault i went into the back of another car my van was fine but the other guys car was damaged at the back it is too damaged to pay out of my own pocket so understandably he is claiming off my insurance. i have a full licence, since i started driving 8 years ago i have no claim my insurance is fully comp and i pay 330 euro each year. after this claim does anyone no how much roughly will my insurance go up next year . any advice would be greatly appreciated as i am very worried.""

Best location for insurance agency?

I'm very early in the stages of starting an insurance agency in Lafayette IN. Where do you think is a better location? There are reasonable prices in downtown lafayette, but also on the east side, which is has a lot of offices, retail stores, and restaurants. Where do you think more people would likely to meet a beginning independent insurance agency?""

Life insurance through disability until age of 65. Now they say there is no policy for me.?

In 2003, I received an award letter of life insurance until the age of 65. I called the company recently to see about it and they said another company had taken over-I called them and they said I was not in the system and said to call a 3rd company which may have taken over my policy. I called them and they said, No-I have no life insurance policy. Where and who can I get in touch with regarding the policy I was awarded and it seems to have disappeared.""

What do I do if my car insurance lapsed without my knowledge?

I need to get tags for my car this month, only when I called my car financing company to see how much it is, they told me that my insurance had lapsed, and my registration was suspended!! I had no idea, because my cousin had gotten the insurance for me (we are now estranged, and I don't have any contact with her), and I was told by her the insurance expired in May. All my documments have been sent to her house (and she refuses to send me my mail) and I had no idea. Now, I'm terrified that I won't be able to get my registration back, or pay fines, because I just barely have enough to get new insurance and pay for my tags. I have no proof that she bought insurance for me through May or anything. Does anyone else have had to go through this? What will happen? Please help!""

Can I get liability insurance if I do a roll over?

I'm currently financing a vehicle and I simply can't afford it anymore. I'm considering doing a trade in for a cheaper car. I would be trading in my car which has a higher value than the car. So there will still be a finance going on but it would be a rollover. Will the other technically be paid off meaning that I'd be able to get liability on it? I just need to lower my payments because it's too much to handle right now so even some ways that I can lower my payments or insurance would be nice.

Insurance for garage?

I rent a flat with garage where I store my sports equipment-kanoe,angling equipment,car roof box and bars,bikes,tools etc. Do you know any insurance company? Thank you.""

I scraped the bumper of a parked car. Is it cheaper to pay it off or send it to my insurance?

I have a clean driving record, but i accidentally scraped a car parked next to me. There was a dinnerplate sized scrape, and the guy sent me a estimate for $400. Will it be cheaper for me to send it to my insurance, or pay it out of pocket?""

How much would car Insurance be for a 16 year old guy?

My parents want me to start picking what car I want to get. I was wondering how much insurance would cost for each of these cars for a 16 year old guy. I am interested in a BMW E36 323is Coupe, BMW E36 325is Coupe, BMW E36 328is Coupe, 1997-2001 Honda Prelude, and a 2000 VW Golf GTi. Please help me because I need to know the cost to insure each of these cars before I pick.""

Who provides really affordable car insurance?

I'm 19 in a month, I drive a 2002 Ford explorer and it needs to have full coverage. What are some cheap insurance providers for teenagers? What can I do to lower the cost?""

What is the cheapest motor vehicle insurance company in NY right now?

I wanted to know if anyone knew of any good insurance companies with low rates. I'm kinda sick of the one I have now Geico. Service is not great, guess they spend too much money on commercials and none on customer service. Any info would be great! Thanks.""

""Insurance for 6 months, changes mid policy?""

I'm looking at buying insurance for a 6 month period, but 2 months into the period there will be a change that causes a significant price drop (3 points removed from my license and my birthday). Will they generally allow me to have my rate adjusted mid-policy? I'm talking of a price difference of about 100 a month, so I really want to see how I can make this work.""

Best car insurance provider for person in early 20's?

Which provider is best suited for in this age group, located in California? Thanks!""

What are my options to get my car back from the insurance company?

I got into an accident about a week ago. the front passenger side was damaged. the insurance company told me today that it was a write off. they wouldn't be able to fix it, which is complete bull. It is a 98 Honda Civic with 200,00 km on it, and they are giving me $2800. What can i possibly do? Can I get my car back and repair it myself (by myself i mean a bodyshop i will take it too out of my own pocket)? What happens in that case? Will they give me any money or would i have to pay them?""

My car was rear-ended but I don't have car insurance?

Someone rear ended my car today. My insurance has been expired for a while now but I still called the insurance company and they filed a claim for me. When I mentioned that my insurance had expired, the lady who filed the claim said that the adjuster will call me on Monday and give me the details. Though the accident wasn't my fault, I am worried about not having insurance at the time. Also, nobody was injured in the accident but my back bumper had a very minor scratch. Was what I did wrong? And should I be worried about anything?""

Can a 17 year old hold insurance to more than 1 car?

can they have fully comp insurance on more than 1 car

umaine orono insurance

umaine orono insurance

How much can car insurance be cheaper if someone hold off driving 2 years after they can their license?

or is it any cheaper?

How much is car insurance for a teen?

I'm 16,I have a 2002 Camaro SS,I live in Las Vegas,Nevada.(don't stalk me lol).My dad has Geico insurance.What else do you need to know?""

How can i sell truck insurance?

appointed agent to sell truck insurance

Car insurance advice for a 17 year old?

Hello, I just bought a Citroen AX for 500, and have payed a lump sum of 2800 for 12 months insurance. My question is: If I get a 1 year no claims bonus when im 18, how much cheaper will my next 12 month insurance be? How much less do you think It will cost after a year of no claims. And If possible: How cheaper would It cost to insure that car after 4 years no claims? Thanks.""

Insurance is up in 4 days I just made a claim. Can I still switch insurance companies?

Insurance is up in 4 days I just made a claim. Can I still switch insurance companies?

How to make insurance cheeper?

what are the things i can do to make my car insurance cheaper? i have good grades my car is 97 color gold

How much is car insurance for a range rover sport 2010?

I have a friend how is looking to get a 2st hand range rover sport 2010 but Is worried about the insurance. What is the range of car insurance prices for the basic driver

What determines car insurance prices?

I'm going to get my first car soon. im 20 years old, been driving for a while, clean record. someone told me that the car you drive really makes a difference in the insurance price. Ive heard things like, white cars are cheapest, old cars are cheapest as well.. I dont knwo what car I'm buying but I want to get something that will get me a cheap insurance. So what shuld I get? An older car or a newer one? Also does color matter? things like that. thanks all!""

How much would car insurance cost for me?

How much does it cost to get my first car insurance under my parents insurance living in NV, USA? Also: I'm 18 yrs old, Just got my driver's license, White male Caucasian, Drive a black 1996 Honda Civic, been in no accidents, got good grades from High School, had no bad records in general, I live in a safe area, but will drive about 80 miles a week .""

2007 Cadillac Escalade Insurance Quote?

What would the Auto Insurance Price be on A 2007 Cadillac Escalade in 2013. A 17 Year old would be driving it? Liberty Mutual

What's a classic British car that's cheap and insurable for a learner?

Cheaper than a mini or morris minor.

Does an expired MOT invalidate insurance when making a claim for my car stolen from a private driveway?

I had no idea that my mot had ran out, when my car was stolen from a private driveway (not on public road) My insurance say i was in breach of the policy. But where do i stand legally with the car being off road when stolen? The insurance quoted no payout if there's no mot when one is required by law! Is there a loophole i can use""

Car insurance question? Under parents name?

Hi all, I recently got my drivers license when I turned 17, and am now looking to buy a car. I'm looking at a Foxbody mustang 5.0. Before the omg 17 get a civic comments, I can drive, I seldom speed, and when I do, its on an empty road in the middle of the night. I have track experience and know how to control a car, don't try to convince me otherwise. Now, my problem. Obviously mustang insurance for a 17yr old will be nuts, but right now I'm on my parents insurance policy so I can drive their car(1 car family), and a friend of mine told me I could just insure my car under my dad's name and claim that I drive it occasionally. So I realize I could claim my father is the primary driver and I'm just an occasional driver, but if I am actually the only one who is driving it, and something does happen where I get into an accident or get a ticket, what could happen? Would I be covered in case of an accident? Can they say no and not cover me if they find out I'm the primary driver? I'd be the only person driving it whatsoever, my dad can't even drive a stick, so I'm wondering if this is even possible or not. Thanks.""

Average car insurance for 21 y/o f?

my fiance and i are planning to buy a used car soon, and we were wondering about how much car insurance would cost us. the insurance would go under my name, but it would cover him as well. we are both 21. neither of us have had an accident. we both have pretty good credit. i've had no tickets, he's had 3, each in a different state (they were only minor speeding tickets). he's had his license since 17 y/o and i've had mine since 18 y/o.""

16 year old male car insurance question?

My mom has Gieco car insurance. I was wondering how much car insurance would be for me on a 1998 Jeep Wrangler with a security system, and 4x4 drive. I tried to get a quote yesterday on the fone but they made me wait like 40 minutes so i hung up and it never works online so please help me.""

Car accident insurance help needed?

My partner was involved in a car accident the other day, the young lad got out of his car and said that he'd rather pay for the damage in cash rather than go through his ...show more""

Can i list my vehicle at another adress for insurance?

hi, i own a 2006 acura RSX-s and i live in the philadelphia suburbs. my insurance is quite PRICEY! any how, my father owns property in northern PA which is primarily farm land, and insurance would be alot cheaper if listed there. tho i dont live there, can i list my insurance there? is there anything illegal or could it hurt me? i see alot of people with New Jersey tags who live in PA to get cheaper Insurance. what do you suggest, and what would i have to do, change adress on D/L etc?""

Car Insurance - What kind of coverage is needed for an Occasional Driver...?

Okay, this is the deal, I have full coverage car insurance. This means that the insurance will cover me, if I have an accident that is my fault or if someone else hits me & it's not my fault. I also have insurance that covers me if someone breaks into my car & steals any kind of important items in my car. The Question... I sometimes let other people drive my car, to run errands for me (like driving my car home, cause I'm too sleepy to drive or I'm super busy & need an item from the store & I hand my keys to a licensed driver). I talked to my insurance company & was told they do not have coverage that will cover other drivers unless they are listed under my coverage. The problem - I don't want to list everybody in my family or all my friends. Isn't there insurance coverage that will cover anybody driving my vihecle as long as they are older than 25 & has a valid license? If so, what's the name of this type coverage - I nd to know the name b4 I call other companys. thanks""

Health Insurance?

I have Blue Cross and Blue Shield from my job. It is very expensive for me and my wife. Is there any other option of affordable insurance that is worth a damn when I actually need it? Not some cheap.. Bob's Insurance or something like that...

Car insurance in california?

is medical expense coverage optional or required in california. I called my car insurance company to delete this coverage and the genius over the phone was telling me its mandatory, and I said to her...mandatory to california or to your insurance co?I know comp/ coll and liability are mandatory but everything else is optional...isnt it?""

Car insurances for a day help?

I just need to drive my car to my new apartment.Right now i don't have car insurances. Is there any way i can get car insurances just for a day. I live in new jersey. I know i can get a car insurances quote but i don't have enough money right now I just need to move it

How much would it cost to give birth without insurance?

Like regularly and with the C-Section?

What is cheaper for insurance mustang or charger?

well they would both be 2007. v6 cause my insurance is already high. and what one would you choose i want a mustang but alot of people have them but a charger has a big body

Help! i need to find out insurance costs if i add parts to a car?

hi, im 17 and i own a peugeot 206, im wanting to tune it, and i need to know where to find a cheap body kit, new headlights, and some wheels? just trying to make my driving life and little more better :) i need to know roughly how much it will up my insurance cost, im currently paying 1,650 for it, and i can mabye go up to 2,000 also i need to find some speakers to go in the boot of my car, will that make my insurance go higher to? thanks for your time.""

Car insurance advice..We bought a 97 dodge ram for my son that he picked out for his first car.He is taking?

auto body etc so it was something he was excited about fixing up.He had it looking pretty good still needed work but the other day my husband was driving it and was hit in the back and it wasnt his fault.They are trying to say it is totaled because the repairs exceeds a certain amount.So my ? is is there any way of keeping this truck?If so is it like a buy back thing and how much would it be? I know I should be asking the other insurance but the adjuster for them is not answering or returning calls.My son still wants to keep it is fully drivable and alot of work has been put into it and wants to eventally re fix it.Thanks for your time.

umaine orono insurance

umaine orono insurance

What 600cc Sports Bike is cheapest to Insurance?

Cheapest i got some far is 750 on a honda CBR 600 im looking at not spending more then 500 on insurance

What is the difference between term/whole life insurance vs accidental death insurance?

I'm trying to buy life insurance for myself and my mother. I read up on this survivorship insurance which sounded pretty good since I wanted something for my mother if I were do die first and vice versa. but most of the online quotes I saw were between spouses... But I got confused when I read about accidental death ins- does this mean I will not be covered if I die of an illness or old age- but instead must die of an accident such as auto or slip and fall?? secondly, would I get taxed on the interest earned on the universal/whole ins or when the policy is paid out/ surrendered?""

Hayabusa Mini Insurance. (Kit car?)?

I am a young driver and I was hoping to buy a Mini with a Hayabusa engine from someone like Z-Cars. I have heard that some people have got cheap insurance for them. I have heard of a 17 year old who had just passed his test got insured for a hayabusa mini for 1500 which is cheap for a 17 year old. I was just wondering if there is anyone has insured a Hayabusa or similar Mini for road use. If so how much was it and from which insurance company? Thanks

""Hit by a car, license suspended in California, will the insurance cover the damage? will i get in trouble?

I was driving then the traffic lights turned red so i stopped. few second later i heard a loud breaking sound and 2 seconds later a car hit me. the problem is that my car is under my ...show more

How much could I expect to pay for motorcycle insurance?

I am going to take motorcycle lessons, and once I obtain my license, I plan on buying a new Kawasaki Ninja 250R. Either a 2009 or 2008 model (cost is 4000 or 3500 dollars, respectively). I am 19 years old, and have a car, which I am the primary driver of, which cost a little bit over $20k. Insurance is a little under $3000n annually. I have heard that this might reduce my motorcycle insurance costs (if I get it with the same company?), but I am not sure. I have never been any type of accident, or speeding or any involvement with the police. Only one parking ticket for my entire time of driving (since 2008 July). And I live in Massachusetts. Any type of idea of the cost would greatly help, before I commit myself to the lessons and purchases and the costs. Thanks!""

What would insurance cost on a 2010 nissan versa?

I am getting my first car a brand new nissan versa approximately how much will insurance cost me i'm a male and a college student

Will auto insurance rates go up if filing a Comprehensive claim in Texas?

I had windows knocked out and body damage done to two trucks by vandals, the vandals were identified and police report files and charges will be pressed. I carry $1000 deductable and damage was in the range of $2000 per vehicle. Any insurance claims adjusters want to comment? PS I havent called my insurance yet, cause I know just making the call will go down as a claim .""

Can I take out a life insurance policy on my child's father?

My ex is a very big risk taker and our son is only two years old. Being a single mom is very financially straining and if he was to die I would have to go onto public assistance. Is there a way I could take out a life insurance policy on him where I am the beneficiary? I'm terrified that he will do something stupid and wind up dead and my son and I will be stuck living off of welfare.

""Out of these cars, which one will have the cheapest insurance?

Suzuki Forenza 2007 Mazda3 2005

Cheap auto insurance in miami?

Does anyone know of a cheap auto insurance company in miami? i am 20 years old and i have gotten quotes from Esurance, geico, and progressive. the cheapest was Geico and it was $278 a month for the Basic coverage. I own my car and it is a 2003 Hyundai Tiburon""

Individual dental insurance for braces?

What is a good individual dental insurance if I were to get braces? I have done some research and nailed it down to DeltaCare and Pacificare. So which dental insurance is better, or any other suggestions? Pacificare cost slightly less than DeltaCare as far as co-payments go. Both are HMO plans, all the PPO plans covers little to nothing for braces, so HMO seems to be the only way to go for an individual plan. DeltaCare seems to be more reliable since it's associated with Delta Dental, a little more costly also. I'm more concerned about the quality of the services as far as making claims and such. So DeltaCare, Pacificare, or ay other dental insurance/plans? Any personal experience with either of these companies? I am in San Francisco, California.""

Car insurance in the UK?

Can anyone in the UK recommend a decent & reasonably priced car insurer for a 1st time female driver in her mid 30s?

What does 1000 or 500 deductible mean when you're getting car insurance?

Before I get my car insurance I would like to know what this means,and what is better.""

Car insurance recommendations?

hi im 16 and trying very hard to get emancipated i havent told my mom yet though because it seems like a great idea not to get kicked out first, but anyways i have locked in a steady job at a clothing store but i am only working part time for now. What would your recommendation be for cheap car insurance i have no idea where to even start but if i can get cheap insurance than i will be able to spend more on an appartment or trailer. plz give me your recommendations and any advice on how to accomplish my goal. and please no bad comments i just want advice.""

How much will my insurance go up?

I recently crash my car into a bush going 50 with 4 other people in it. The car costed $2000 and I totaled my car and the police came. My 6 months weren't up so I wasn't supposed to have anyone in the car with me so I got a ticket for that and I got a ticket for reckless driving plus my license suspended. How much will my insurance go up?

""Volkswagen GTI owners, how much do you pay for insurance?""

I am doing a project and I need to get 3 auto insurance quotes. It's due tomorrow, if it's not too much trouble could anybody get me 3 quotes? This is the specifics: 2008 (White) Volkswagen GTI 2-Door Hatchback 46,000 miles 2 Wheel Drive Automatic Help would be much abliged, thank you.""

""By about how much will insurance increase, sedan vs. sports car?""

I am 20 years old currently and drive a 2002 Chevy Cavalier. I was considering purchasing a 2000ish model Chevy Camaro Z28 (5.7L v8) and was curious perhaps by how much my insurance will go up. I know obviously that no one can give an accurate guess as to how much since there are numerous factors involved, but just based on my current insurance I thought perhaps someone might be able to guess what the price on the insurance might be. I am currently on my Uncle's insurance plan, and if I bought the vehicle, would transfer the deed to him so as to retain the benefit of his insurance. I pay about 50$ a month for liability for my car due to his insuring many cars currently. I know this is very cheap for one my age, so I thought the camaro insurance might not be bad still. Anyway based on 50$ a month for liability on my 2002 cavalier, any guesses as to what a 2000ish camaro might run me for insurance? (Both liability and comprehensive if you'd like.) I know I can find out for sure by having my uncle call his insurance, but I just wondered if I might get a ballpark estimate before I approach him about it.""

Affordable health insurance?

So we make about 35,000 a year so I do not qualify for government subsidies. we bring home about $2,600 a month $900 house, $800 car (I've tried geting out but there least so we cant) about $400 for house bills water, electricty ect..., $150 cell phones $100-$150 in gas(to get to work) $100 car insurance, and that only leaves us with $100 dolars a month for food so we keep having to use our credit card just to feed our son which is another $75 dollars a month!. (we dont have house phone, cable, took our son out of pre-school and karate) So we end up with $25 (If I use the credit card for food) and yet the cheapest insurance I can find is $183 a month. CANT! is there anywhere that sells insurance for cheaper? I have and interview on monday but I cant afford daycare. I knot know what to do. help please""

No insurance and expired tags in kentucky?

I got a ticket for no insurance and expired tags in Louisville Ky, I've never neen in any trouble before with anything not even a parking ticket I just could'nt afford the insurance and tags. Whatare the chances of serving jail time for this? I know inKy, it can pack a 90 day sentence please answer I'm kinda freaking out.""

I am moving to California on a J1 visa do I need to get a californian driving licence?

Hey, Im moving to Los Angeles for a year this month on a J1 visa. I need a car for the internship I am doing. I was wondering would I need to get a californian driving licence. I checked the dmv website and it says that If I am becoming a residnent I would need to get one. A resident is considered someone voting in an election or paying homeowners tax which I won't be. I just need it set clear whether or not If I need a california licence to drive or will my British one be ok? Also will insurance companies insure me on a foreign licence.""

How To Get The Best Homeowners Insurance?

How To Get The Best Homeowners Insurance?

Getting car insurance?

I just got my license and i have paid for a car at the dealer but i cant drive it off the lot untill i have insurance..so how do i get insurance..it would be with state farm.im 18 years old im a male.so how do i do i get insured?.how long does the process take??..and how much do you think my monthly payment will be..are there any deposits/extra payments you have to pay at first up front???

How can I get an Auto Insurance adjuster to address my claim ? He is completely unresponsive.?

I drove out a brand new car from the dealership and stopped at a signal light. I was rear ended hard by a coupe driven by teenagers. His car was towed and impounded. Now I called the other driver's insurance company after receiving the police report and was told that a claim has already been filed and an adjuster's name and number given. I have been ever since calling the adjuster and leaving voice-mails. Its about 3 days and I have left more than 8 voice mail but he does not call me back. Its getting frustrating and am unsure if thats their strategy ? How long should I continue this ? and How can I get him to attend and address my claim ? and what else are my options ? Should I go to small claims court ? Advice is much appreciated.

Learner car insurance?

I will be supervising a learner with a provisional licence, i have been driving for more then 5yrs and hold a full Uk license.. Do i have to have the car insurance in the learners name too?""

Cheapest insurance?

What company has the cheapest insurance for used cars.

umaine orono insurance

umaine orono insurance

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-long-do-you-have-go-school-insurance-company-william-riley/"

[gruntadminloch-moved]

((I’m not ignoring you. I know it seems like it, but I haven’t ignored or forgotten you, some things just draw me more than others at one given time or another, okay?  I’m still very interested in the questions you sent me, I’m still very interested in the plot things we’re going to do,

but unfollowing and refollowing me just makes me anxious(especially since i ran out of anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds and won’t be able to get more until the end of february and am slowly going back to whatever my mind was before i took pills)

Things you see my blog posting are 99% my queue. That includes memes.  I usually throw them in there thinking “by the time this posts I’ll have my shit together” and then I fucking don’t. and I stare at anything the meme gets me([un]fortunately not a lot usually) and my mind goes ‘ffffuuuuuu’

But I have problems with focus(never got meds for that, doctor insists I don’t have ADHD and that my depression/anxiety are just creating similar symptoms) and things keeping my interest over time.  I work a ten hour job that keeps me on my feet the whole time so I’m tired a lot.  I have chronic back pain and, something that may be of as surprise to you, a size K chest that makes it so that, honestly, anytime I’m awake I’m actually pretty damn tired(and it’s hard to breathe sometimes) (also, binding is impossible and does like nothing but I do it anyway for the sake of not getting dysphoric outside.)

I wanna respond to the cool things you send me with details and quality, which I don’t feel like I can deliver if I’m tired or my muse is just being kind of uncooperative.  I try and do little, dashboard-commentary-like things so my muse stays alert and functional and maybe it like sparks up real strong and I won’t feel as hiatus’d-out but.  Sometimes I can’t even do that.  And trust me I beat myself up over it all the time and I have a lot of things I need to do, irl and here, that executive dysfunction and chronic pain keep me from doing that I really want to do(or even HAVE to do.)

I appreciate your eagerness--hell I appreciate that you’re sticking by me even when sometimes anxiety says “don’t even open that message don’t look at them you need to actually do the thing they sent you before you can even talk to them don’t even think about it if you can’t deliver just don’t exist” and I go real quiet on you(and that’s with medication!)  I appreciate all the cool things you send me and that you send me stuff at all and that you’re following along on this adventure with my muses and everything.

But I really need patience from you.  From everyone, but I guess I’m most anxious over you when you occasionally follow and unfollow both of my accounts.  I have not forgotten you.  I have not forgotten your messages.  But some things are easier to respond to than others.

I didn’t go to work yesterday so I gave myself an extra day on my already three-day weekend.  I’m hoping the recharge will be good for me and I can knock out work in general in this extra time(because I did get a little bit done irl yesterday too which is good because having clan surroundings makes my rp life easier.)

Even if I don’t, I promise the things you send me are on my mind, I’m not ignoring or forgetting you, and I’ll get to them when muse cooperation and other stars align(which. . .makes it sound like a rare occurrence, but I mean that as in ‘sometimes i have no control over this, i’m waiting for it just like you.’)

(Also whenever I try and edit the longer thing you sent me, I’m a little stuck on how to handle the formatting because the way tumblr handles cuts is inconvenient as shit but that’s a minor thing that mostly just makes things hard for me to figure out without getting overwhelmed ksdjhfkjd)

But. Yeah. Just.  Please keep being patient  /o\  Trust me when I say, I’m waiting on me too.))

[life-observed]

Musings from The Strangest Year on Earth

Confronting

2019 into 2020 was arguably the hardest year of my life in perhaps the most unspectacular of ways. There was no defining incident, no dramatic high point, just a lot of glowing embers waiting patiently for the wind to catch so they could burn my house to ash.

I am what one could call a chronic avoider. A runner, a hider and often (it felt), someone who lacked the ability to endure. The problem here, as you can imagine is that no matter how far you run, there is no getting away & the further I ran, the harder it was to turn around and confront the thing I was trying to outrun. I ran out of energy towards the end of the year, and when it finally caught up with me, I felt like I was out of options. I couldn’t run anymore, and I lacked the fortitude to fight. Lenka has a song called Trouble is A Friend. In it she sings, “I won’t let him in, but I’m a sucker for his charm”. The truth is, while I do not enjoy being depressed, there is something safe in knowing what to expect. So, I let it pick me up and hold me close to its cheek; large and looming, but strangely comforting in its familiarity. I had been here before, and all I had to do was wait it out until it put me down, and let me walk beside it, holding my hand until I inevitably started to get the itch to run again.

Seeing Colors

Depression is an old friend, but I had never seen it like this. For the first time, I started seeing colors in my mind’s eye; a way to give tangibility to the intangible. When it first caught up with me, I saw things through a grey fog. It was like I could see my life, but everything was grey and hazy. This I was used to. I was anticipating the slow return of color to the edges that would work its way towards the middle, and when it didn’t come, what was once an old, familiar place suddenly felt foreign and very empty. The loneliness I felt here was unparalleled. Not only had I spent the past year physically isolating from relationships I had held near & dear, now the one thing I thought I could count on was changing before my eyes. I started waking up and seeing the same scene in my head every day. A dark, angry orange sky over a cracked, dusty ground with no sign of life anywhere: dead trees and a stifling sort of silence. It was in this sky that I lost the ability to recognize my face in the mirror. When I looked at myself, it was the first time in my life that I saw a very sad stranger looking back at me. I removed pictures of myself from messaging apps, social media. I couldn’t stand to look at myself, so unrecognizable, so much like a ghost. Under this sky, I felt myself giving up.

Endurance

I say the following as a fact — not a cause for alarm. I have thought about dying a lot. It’s a thought that has come to me unbidden, even at the strangest times. One of the most frightening experiences was driving home after a wonderful two day vacation with people who I love and care for dearly, having spent the whole weekend feeling like I was trapped in a glass box. I could see things, hear things, but inside was quiet and airless. On the drive home, I remember thinking how much easier it would be to just open the car door on the highway and roll right out. I don’t doubt for a minute that I would never actually follow through, because the desire to no longer exist felt separate and removed from the desire to actually kill myself– I was just so tired. But I let it pass. At the very worst of it this year, it was no longer a given that I could just wait it out and land on my feet. Increasingly, the fear was growing that this would be the one I wouldn’t come back from. Right as I had started what felt like the final descent, my long time therapist reached out to me to say I’d been on her mind. And, at the end of my rope, I began what has turned into my longest, most consistent therapy work to date. I also went to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with moderate to severe depression — and put me on anti- depressants which was terrifying, to say the least. I have never been great with consistency in medication, and again, the uncertainty of how long I would need them for was almost too much to wrap my head around. But what else did I have to do? Whether I took the meds or not, the time would pass anyhow. I surprised myself with how consistent I became with the medication, and today I am unsure how I would have fared had I not started. While it would be great to see an immediate shift in mood and circumstance, the truth is, what it did was lift the fog just a little bit at a time to give me a chance to catch my breath, to orient myself towards the way out. And before I realized it, 3 months had passed, and I was still standing — albeit exhausted and worn down but standing I was.

The Truth about Therapy

Endurance is one thing — we survive, swinging one day to the next until our feet touch some sort of solid ground, but what comes after? It’s like longing for a million dollars and then being unsure what to do with it when it lands in your lap. We rarely think about the in between that takes you from the depths to a relatively safer ground. Therapy is not just talking about your feelings for an hour. I find it neither comfortable, nor easy. If I have been to 20 sessions over the last 5 months, I have left 15 of them feeling worse than when I arrived. As a rule, I usually attend therapy until I am over the hump and then “get too busy” or decide it’s too much money and then fall off. It’s an avoidance technique, and I wasn’t quite sure what I was avoiding until I pushed through the first month.

Being in therapy has been painful and exposing — which is frightening to one such as myself who fears hurt and detests uncontrolled vulnerability. Strange as it may seem given the existence of these utterings, but here, I control the narrative. I can erase, delete and do anything I want with this piece. Real time vulnerability is a lot different. A working (and still not quite fully comprehensible) diagnosis for me is Social Anxiety Disorder with a little bit of OCD & Body Dysmorphic Disorder thrown in for some razzle dazzle. The SAD was easy enough to relate to, because the hallmarks of that disorder have run my life for as long as I can remember. The OCD was a little harder to accept and understand, because up until then, the only thing I knew about OCD was the familiar tropes you see in movies or books — hyper organization, rituals etc. The diagnoses aren’t really the point though. What I finally understood was: the behaviors & patterns that I have mulishly clung to for YEARS as a way to “protect” myself, are rooted in these disorders, and though they may be common, they are not all together normal.

Imagine then, being forced to look at your life and realize that you have years and years of learned behavior to undo. It is exhausting, and frankly, quite difficult. Habits are habits for a reason — they are second nature, even the bad ones. Especially the ones that you’ve convinced yourself are there to protect you and keep you safe. My thoughts operate in extremes — I am either immediately 100% successful at something and anything less is a failure. Though neither practical, nor possible, it makes the very concept of therapy difficult, because who’s ever undone a lifetime worth of warped beliefs in one session? The constant need for perfection & the subsequent failure to achieve the impossible is the albatross around my neck that makes it hard to celebrate even the small wins, because for me, it is all or nothing. It can be discouraging to go week after week, to spend thousands of dollars feeling like absolutely no progress is being made. Recently, I have found myself dragging to go, partially because I am terrified to see the things that still lie beneath, and partially because I feel like I am failing at therapy and therefore failing at life.

But I continue to go, because more important than enduring the storm with cracks in my hull is repairing them so I’m not springing leaks at every turn. The cracks are plentiful — some are beyond comprehension, some are heartbreaking, some are logic defying, & many days I am confronted with how these cracks rear their ugly heads at the most inconvenient times. I continue to go because I see the ways in which my unchecked mental illness has disrupted my life, and taken a toll on my relationships. I continue to go because though painful and some days heart-wrenching, it is the first time in years that I have felt the possibility of not walking around like a ticking time bomb, always one second from total destruction.

The Truth about Myself

So, what does this mean for me? It means that however dramatic it may seem, I have fought for my life, and continue to do so every single day. Some days are better than others — some weeks feel like a total regression and it’s hard to fight the impulse to engage in old habits. Sometimes I catch myself after the fact. The things I battle with are neither novel nor exciting, but still, they are mine. & while pride in myself is not something I am particularly familiar with, there is at least some satisfaction in knowing that the power to endure lies within me, even when I am certain I have nothing left to give.

Fear has run my life for as long as I can remember, and it would be an outright lie to say it no longer does, because I don’t do well with uncertainty, and fear has given me the illusion of keeping safe from the risks that come with being human and living vs. merely existing. Though I am still very much afraid of a lot of things, I have caught a glimpse of how having the upper hand over fear can pay off, even though I persist in my wrongness 9 times out of 10. Even though some days, I let my head get the best of me.

Yet still, I endure.

[anauthorandherservicedog]

Venting here, because sometimes leaving the house (or the state) with a service dog is the worst choice ever.

Bucky gets hyperaroused when he interacts with 1) kids and 2) dogs. He loves both. OMG KIDS. OMG DOGS. And the only cure for his hyperarousal (which has stumped five trainers so far) is to let him mature a whole lot more, since he’s still got puppy-brains. The temporary fix is to remove him from the object of his fixation for, like, two hours.

But my senior SD can’t walk very far anymore, and though he would’ve come with me on this cross-country trip, I couldn’t ask that of him. And I know better than to try to do this upcoming convention without a support system in place -- even a support system that has a near-fatal case of puppy-brains.

So I’m in Florida, at my dad’s house. Dad and his wife are retired. The wife has a daughter and son-in-law, and they have two kids, age 10 and 14. That equates to crack, for Bucky.

I very reluctantly okayed the 10-year-old daughter to come over and meet Bucky, with the caveat that I could pull Bucky into the other room at a moment’s notice if he started going bugfuck. The meeting went fairly well.

Tonight, though, we had to take the 10yo to dinner. Which meant picking her up at her house. Okay. This is a chance for her brother and parents to meet Bucky, because they’re all dog people. I wait in the car while the parents to go ring the bell (because it’s too easy to have the kid right there ready to leave, I guess?)

The whole family comes out... WITH THEIR DOG -- a goldendoodle puppy.

Bucky freaks the fuck out. I pull him away. They keep coming at me. I shout for them to stop and get Bucky farther away. I finally have to tell them to get the dog inside (I didn’t say “fuck” once and I want points for that) but Bucky still doesn’t calm down. Now I’ve got BOTH kids lurking nearby while Bucky is trying to pull free so he can get to the dog because OMG DOG FUN OMG OMG.

I order the 14yo to go back inside, tell Judy (dad’s wife, whom Bucky ADORES) to get in the car, and tell the 10yo to get in the car. Even with the lure of them in the back seat, it takes me a good three or four minutes -- which feels like forever -- to get Bucky in the car.

But once we’re back in the car, it’s okay. We’re calm. He’s laying across their laps, and though he’s panting and shedding (hyperarousal, remember?) he’s calming down.

On the way there, the child asks why I need a service dog. While I’m trying to figure out an answer that doesn’t involve the words “fucking rude question” and “none of your business”, the parents explain that he’s for my “anxiety” and “because people scare her” and “because he protects her”.

I concentrate on breathing and driving.

So we get to the restaurant. I pull up to the door to get them out so they can request a giant booth, because Bucky doesn’t fit under normal tables. I (remember, I’m in the driver’s seat) grab Bucky’s leash. Everybody gets back out.

And the kid comes back and opens the back door -- after I’ve dropped the leash -- because she forgot her sweatshirt.

Needless to say, Bucky leaves. I almost rip his vest because I grab it (all I can reach). Judy catches Bucky, who wasn’t running off -- he just wanted to be with OMG JUDY and OMG CHILD. Fine. She’s had big dogs. She can control him. I drive away to find parking.

I park. I come back to the entrance, where I discover she’s handed the leash to my dad, who’s 76 and *can’t* handle a 75-pound-dog with near-fatal puppy-brain who sees OMG MOMMY WHY DID YOU LEAVE MOMMY OMG.

(JFC kill me now, because it gets worse.)

The doorman (who’s got a lovely smile) asks what kind of dog he is. The instant I answer, a patron comes out and asks the same fucking question. I give the same fucking answer and hurry to the hostess station, because Bucky is pulling me there because OMG JUDY and OMG CHILD are there, out of reach.

We ask for a booth. The staff (who are all cooing and “OMG HE’S SO FLUFFY” like no shit, read the “DO NOT DISTRACT” part of his vest plzkthx) lead us to a table for four. A table with legs and chairs and no room for feet underneath, much less a dinosaur.

The staff asks what breed he is.

We ask for a booth again. They point to a cozy four-person booth.

We point to the dog and ask for a booth for “six or more.” Yup, sure enough, there’s one. No problem. Bucky goes right under and cuddles up with the kid’s feet. Whatever.

Not ten minutes later, Judy drops her vodka rocks ON BUCKY and the glass shatters when it hits the floor, all around his face, paws, and body.

So I get him out in a panic (naturally I forgot his boots in Phoenix, because I’m a terrible dog-mom) and go to the bathroom and contemplate drowning myself while I’m cleaning him up and searching him for glass caught in his fur and between his paws. He’s fine, wondering why I’m fussing -- totally rock solid about the alcoholic glass missile that hit him, amazingly.

We leave the bathroom, discover the glass is still being cleaned up, and go out front, where I’m hoping he’ll pee or watch lizards or something.

A lady comes up and asks if she can take his picture. I say thanks for asking, but no, please don’t. She proceeds to fucking guilt trip me because “my daughter would have loved to see him.”

I get asked by three separate people what breed he is.

Finally, the glass is cleaned and we settle. Life is good. Bucky falls asleep -- and snaps awake every time the child moves. I thought ten years old is a little old to be putting her feet up and turning sideways, but what the fuck do I know? And she drops her sweatshirt on his head a couple of times.

It takes her -- no shit -- twenty minutes to order, because she “doesn’t read menus.” Mommy reads menus to her and she says yes or no (mostly no) to every dish and every option.

Are you still with me? Because at this point, I’m seriously looking in my backpack for my anti-anxiety meds AND I CAN’T FIND THEM HOLY FUCK.

I throw courtesy to the wind and get on both my phone and my kindle. Nowhere in my contract does it state I’m required to socialize with any of these people. All I want is to eat half a pound of brisket and then go home.

They deliver the appetizer, finally. They deliver the food.

And that’s when the child starts holding her chicken strips (did I mention Bucky LOVES CHICKEN??) under the table and OMG JUDY starts feeding Bucky brisket and I’m contemplating going to play in traffic.

Somehow, we survive dinner. We leave the restaurant. (”What kind of dog that is?” “Oh my god, he’s so fluffy!”)

We make it back to the house, where the child rushes out of the house, setting off Bucky’s OMG RUNNING CHILD MUST PLAAAAY instinct. He nearly breaks my arm, and I’m at my wit’s ends, so I drop the leash. I get my bag out of the back of the car.

I come into the house to find Bucky has the 10yo on the ground, my dad is standing there doing nothing, the shit-poos (shih-tzu/poodle mixes that HATE Bucky) are barking and flipping their shit, and I can’t even reach Bucky’s leash.

I drag Bucky outside for 20 minutes. He tries to pull THE WHOLE TIME. Constant struggle to the point where my joints feel like I just got hit by a truck. Finally we come back inside, where I cram three Benadryl down his throat, down a Xanax of my own, and try to hide in my bedroom.

He’s still hyperaroused. STILL HYPERAROUSED. It’s been 90 fucking minutes, and he’s still 100% focused on the other bedroom door, where the child and Judy are watching TV with the shit-poos. I still have the leash on him. It’s still pulled taut. The only time he’s even calming down AT ALL is when Judy comes out to pet him gently and speak quietly to him, but when she leaves, I’m back in hell.

This is why I didn’t want to introduce him to the child in the first place. If we walk past a child, there’s a moment of OMG HEY CHILD but we can keep going (”LEAVE IT” or “ON BY” work okay) but then he’s focused and relaxed again. Same with rushing past a strange dog.

Having a child in the same house, though? This is one of the circles of Hell Dante forgot to write about, probably because he was like “This is too fucking much. Nobody will believe it.”

If anyone has any advice, I’m desperate. I’m seriously considering getting a hotel so he’s in an entirely unfamiliar place. At least at the convention, if he gets stupid like this, I can go hide in my room.

[secondmile-blog]

Discovering my ABC’s in PNG!

Hello family and friends,

I hope this post finds you well.  I miss you all.  Your replies to send me hurrahs bring me inexplicable joy!  And somehow, I weirdly miss the sweater weather too.  

Time apart from home, friends, church, and work life had me reflecting on my relationships with you.  I look at my list of emails and I feel so blessed to be connected with you.  You have invested some time and energy into my life, in both small and big ways, in the past and in the present.  I value you all dearly. WARNING: This post includes much updates!!!  I was pleasantly surprised how busy the past nine weeks have been here in Papua New Guinea.  A cup of coffee or tea is highly recommended to read this with! ☕️😊 Foundation of IT

I've had the privilege to teach the foundation of computer and IT to 85 students in 7 classes, where each class has 4 to 25 students.  They come from all walks of life -  primary to college students, school teachers, pastors, mothers, government employees, unemployed, etc.  For most of the classes, we used the equipment we brought from Hawaii - Rasperry Pi's and other hardware. One class broke my heart as 4 out of 5 could sorta read but could not write at all.  So I  customized the class where I can teach them how to use the computer, but at the same time teach them how to read and write as well.  Illiteracy is a major problem especially in places far from the school establishments.

As development and technology are just slowly entering this nation, computer classes are very rare and very expensive.  A group of students expressed how much these classes mean to them.  Some have never thought they could ever touch a computer in their lifetime.  Some have been praying to one day have an opportunity to learn how to use a computer.  Some have been saving up to one day afford to enroll to a computer class.  My eyes got watery fast. It must be sheer ignorance that one can easily assume that in this day and age, everyone should have seen/used a computer.  I may be teaching technology in this nation, but this nation is teaching reality and humanity in me. The Bible Translated

For hundreds of years, the people of Papua New Guinea worshiped random things as gods such as a big tree or even a child.  Demonic rituals, cannibalism, and witchcraft & sorcery practices ensued.  However, a revival in the past couple of decades occurred.  And so today, there is an openness and eagerness to know God. 

Of the 7,000+ languages in the world, 850+ languages are from this country.  Astounding fact!  Most people we meet are trilingual - they speak their village language, Pidgin ("broken English" taught by Germans), and English (taught by English and Australians). 

As part of the "End The Bible Poverty" project, our team brought tech-based tools to share The Gospel.  First is a solar-powered projector to show a movie called "Jesus Film" in the evenings.  It is a 2-hour movie on the life, death and resurrection of Christ dubbed in different languages.  We play the movie version according to the tribal language of the village/town/city we're in.  Second are 50sh mini SD cards with audio bibles that are again translated in various languages.  Some people own basic cellphones which have SD card slots. Village Living

They say you have not experienced Papua New Guinea if you have not lived in the villages.  And so we did, in four to be exact.  One village usually represents one clan - an extended family with 100 to 1,000 members.  I envy the simplicity of their lives.  Organic produce from their gardens, small straw huts as homes, barely any furniture or belongings, vast lands and forests as children's playgrounds, creeks/rivers for water needs... and unlimited coconuts!  Yaasss, coconut is life.  However, due to their remote locations, the trade-offs are no immediate access to medical clinics or hospitals, no power lines, no running water, and no to little cellphone coverage.  Oh and no bridges, so had to cross strong rivers bare feet!  This is exciting anddd terrifying, but grateful to locals who guided us in every step... literally, with our arms locked with theirs, in every step. 

Medicine is a big need in the villages. When people found out I had a first-aid kit and some medicine, there was a line up from wounds to chronic pains.  One thing I was not equipped for though was when I was bitten by a poisonous centipede.  Overnight, the venom moved from my thumb to the rest of my arm.  It was such an excruciating pain I've never felt before!  Lesson learned: bring a bigger first-aid kit and more pain killers. 

Radically generous.  This is simply how I would describe the people in the villages.  They hosted us in their homes, served us their best meals, showered us with gifts (I got a dozen handmade bags, a handful of dresses, etc), and loved and encouraged us much!  A man named Moses un-reluctantly explained it as "You are in our village. What is ours is yours."  I came to serve and to give, but I was greatly moved and felt that I was served more and had received more.  My hope and prayer is to grow such a heart of uncalculated, unjustified, radical generosity.  

Market Open Air

I had no idea what "open air" really meant until I had a microphone in one hand... in the middle of a very busy market... with close to three-hundred people surrounding me.  Open air, indeed.  After our team dramatized the good ol' Everything skit by Lifehouse, I shared a word on faith and love in action.  They were all ears, vendors and shoppers, men and women, young and old.  They listened to understand, not to condemn or ridicule.  They listened to understand, and so they understood.  Lots raised their hands to be prayed for after.  Moments like these make this journey all worth it.   Hospital Visit

Out of the eight members of our team from Hawaii, two got malaria.  I'm the only who chose to take anti-malaria pills from day one.  Though I have less chance of getting malaria, I can still get it but with the meds masking the symptoms.  That said, I was advised to get tested when I'm back home and off the meds. 

Malaria, a big threatening word for us in the western world; but it's so common here that it'd be hard to find a local who has not had it.  The hospital was full of malaria patients.  We approached every patient's bed and offered our prayers.  Everyone said yes without any hesitation.  One I cannot get my mind off of was a one-month old girl suffering from malaria and asthma.  I wouldn't even try describing her condition.  It was heartbreaking. Corporation Visit

A national secular company with 1,000 employees provides an optional time and space to meet weekly to discuss the bible.  I had the opportunity to speak in their meeting.  I focused on the topic of discovering your purpose on earth.  "It's not about you." was my introduction to faith a few years ago.  The best selling book by Rick Warren, Purpose Driven Life, was a game changer.  The talk was well-received and so we were asked to speak at a college as well.  But alas, our schedule was already packed. Prison Visit

I don't fear many things, but I'd say that my biggest fear in life was to go to prison.  The 24 hours leading to our visit to a jail with 800 prisoners was full of reflection and anxiety.  The day came and we were stripped off our cellphones, purses, jewelries, pens, and hats upon entering the facilities.  Before I could say my first word, I was all tears.  It dawned on me why I had this fear.  And so I fessed up to a room of female prisoners dressed in blue uniform, all with the same buzz hair cut, and whose eyes glistened in wonder. 

Prison represents falling short of perfection.  I am imperfect, we all are imperfect.  Prison represents brokenness.  I am broken, we all are broken.  Prison represents guilt.  I am guilty, we all are guilty.  Perhaps not of murder, but of lies, white or whatever colour we name them to be.  But when I realized these subconscious notions of what a prison represents was just half the picture, I was finally reminded to fear not.  

I've had the honour to share a word in various public settings about ten times, one even up to four hours (I literally lost my voice towards the end of it!)  But this fifteen-minute talk in prison was my most heartfelt.  So what can I share to a group of prisoners?  

Hope.  Hope that these momentary prisons we all are in, physically or metaphorically, do not define us.  Death is inevitable and no amount of good works can secure us a place in heaven - not even by abiding by the law as good citizens, and not even by me serving here in PNG.  The full picture is that God is not asking us for the unattainable perfection, but His unconditional love offers us to live a life in relationship with Him as our Father.  Such bond is what takes us through the journey of renewing our minds and hearts.  Our identity and destiny are rooted in our choice to answer God's call to be his sons and daughters.  It is a choice, the gift of free will. 

I tightly hugged as many of them as I can before we left.  It was a bittersweet day. Business Consultation

For those of you who know me well know that if there is a need, I'll try to meet it.  But if there is a need and it meets my skillset and peaks my interest, I'll relentlessly pursue it with much passion and energy.  This gets me in trouble sometimes.  Let's just say the following are beyond our team's initial definition of mission...

A local business was started by a YWAM leader to provide employment to women in the villages.  A couple of years into it, it is now ready to grow and expand its production to continuously support its cause.  I provided consultation on product packaging, marketing and branding, social media presence, online sales, etc.  And camera gear to the rescue!  I captured and produced a video to capitalize on online crowdfund sourcing.  Stay tuned for when we launch it on Indiegogo site. 

A YWAM school campus in a village is in need to replace its temporary building as it cannot withstand the strong winds and heavy rain.  It is made out of tree logs as posts, tarps and cloths as walls, and without floors.  First, I wrote their captivating story in a script, flew the drone over the property, recorded some dramatized scenes, recorded an interview of the school leaders... and voila!  An awareness and fundraising video was captured and produced to be launched on GoFundMe site.   Overcoming Challenges

It's easy to list down the discomfort and inconveniences as the so-called challenges of this trip, but they were not.  Not the sharing of a small bedroom with twelve ladies, nor the sharing of a bathroom with twenty people.  Not the two-hour hikes in the rain walking in bare feet with our big backpacks on to move from one village to another.  Not the numerous mosquito bites, ant bites, and poisonous centipede bite.  And not even the outhouses. I learned a few years back that the best way to get to know someone is not by working with them, not by living with them... but by traveling with them.  You get to see that 10% only traveling can unveil.  In the same manner, you also get to know yourself much better. Both your strengths and weaknesses are heightened.   How do I survive being the only minority in a school program where all students and 90% of its staff all come from one deeply rooted, strong culture?  Moreover, how do I survive a trip with a team of six students and a leader who all come from one deeply rooted, strong culture?  I learned to choose my battles wisely.  I stand up for finishing the video productions.  I stand up for donating all the surplus from our budget.  But for the most part, I fight through prayers.  First, thanking God for these tests are growing in me a faithful heart.  Secondly, surrendering to him our inadequacies for this load was not mine to carry to begin with.  And lastly, asking for a refreshed joy.  This helped channel my energy to get to know the locals more and therefore work on other projects on top of my main responsibilities. Grateful that though from day one in Hawaii was the most challenging time I've ever experienced culturally and socially, it made for the greatest time to grow spiritually and emotionally.  If I can turn back time, will I change anything?  No.  If I can do it all over again, will I?  Absolutely not hahah.  Along the way, I did develop some lifelong friendships.  I also learned to embrace my strengths and to face my weaknesses.  There truly is a reason for every season and that each one is a preparation for the next.  I've many takeaways and learning from this one.  This was the vessel that introduced me to PNG. And for that, I genuinely only have a thankful heart for such a time as this.   What's Next? I had peace with my direction from A to B, from quitting my job to pursuing missions school.  But from B to C, I had to think and pray through six different routes.  I hasten to say, it's not irresponsibility that I quit a career without a solidified and well-defined one, two, or five-year A to Z life plan.  I just needed and wanted to calculate for some room for God to reveal to me his plans that I know are greater than mine ever will be.  Because with or without faith as a factor, life do not fully materialize anyway according to meticulous time planning and goal setting.  Yes I do have big dreams, but I've experienced that God-sized dreams are much much better!  

It's a persistent prayer and pursuit to see certain doors close and certain doors open.  This is how I find confidence in pursuing my B to C.  And yes, sometimes certain doors are left ajar for the time-being.  It's been a process of hearing, obeying, and trusting God.

Business with a mission, otherwise known as a social enterprise, is where my heart has grown to focus on.  I am an advocate for alleviating physical and spiritual poverty through sustainable mission.  How fitting it is then to marry business with mission - to build a business whose mission is beyond profits, but to maximize its human and socioeconomic impact. 

Papua New Guinea peeled my eyes open to see a land of opportunities to pursue that passion.  My vision is to see God’s transformation of this nation by using business as a tool to sustain the education, employment, and empowerment of the people through the use of natural resources and technology.  I have three business prospects.  One of which I do not have any experience or background on, but one that has the most doors opening for the greatest potential and connections!  How do I distinguish my big dream from God-sized dream?  The latter is usually beyond my immediate comprehension and capacity.  It requires me to grow my faith and to lean in to wise counsel.  I believe this particular business prospect is exactly that. I cannot end a post without sharing some media of sort.  This 200 GB worth of media I captured must be utilized somehow.  So here is a minute video of my ever so wonderful and blessed time in Papua New Guinea - https://vimeo.com/205994204.  How do I look in a purple mary blouse dress??  Hahah only in PNG!  I have grown to appreciate the modesty in their clothing. Thank you for your support, prayers, and interest in my journey.  Please let me know if you'd like to stay posted as I explore my B to C.  

Much Love,  Janice [original email sent on 03/02/17]