#there's no fucking escape from this toxic thought-policing basically

[iamanartichoke]

I made the mistake of scrolling the dash last night, hoping to re-engage my Loki fandom feels, only to be reminded of why I've more or less quit this fandom - which, for the record, is bc I don't know if it's purity culture or "woke" culture or just "for the love of god, I'm begging you to touch grass" culture, but I'd like to engage with my blorbo without running into posts spouting takes like "saying Loki has small, slender hands is a feminization kink (and therefore bad)." Like?? I think there's something inherently anti-genderfluidity(?) to assume that men can't have small, slender hands or that having small, slender hands is automatically a feminine trait, and also Loki does have small, slender hands, and also even if it is being written as some kind of a kink, so what? Why are we kink-shaming?

I mean, I don't know, it just seems like there are more and more and more things that are being shamed, or criticized, based on an arbitrary sense of morality that undermines fiction as a creative, explorative form of art and it's just beyond exhausting - and fucking obnoxious - at this point.

[t4twolfstar]

Pearl Jam songs as the marauders' story

listen here

explanations under read more

Red Mosquito - Remus is bit by Greyback

two steps ahead of him, punctures in your neck…/ Hoverin' just above your bed... (2x)/ I was bitten...must have been the devil…/ He was just paying me…/ A little visit, reminding me of his presence…

Jeremy - most of the song, Sirius

Okay so we’re going to look at the verses not the refrain for this one bc (TW su*) this song is based on an actual boy who diy died in front of his class so like no we’re not relating to that part but the “Clearly I remember/ Pickin’ on the boy/ Seemed a harmless little fuck/ But we unleashed the lion….Daddy didn't give affection, no/And the boy was something that mommy wouldn't wear”

Daughter - Sirius at home

Trans sirius in an abusive household………. “Mother reads aloud, child tries to understand it/Tries to make her proud/ The shades go down, it's in her head/ Painted room, can't deny that something's wrong/ Don’t call me daughter, not fit to”

Leash - Sirius and Remus’ toxic codependent love and then yelling at the establishment/people who say they’re too young going too deep too hard too fast

“Troubled souls unite/ We got ourselves tonight, oh/ I am fuel you are friends we got the means to make amends/ I am lost I'm no guide but I'm by your side/ I am right by your side….We will find a way we will find our place/ Drop the leash drop the leash/Get outta' my fuckin' face”

Why Go? - Sirius becoming disenchanted w his family

Trans Sirius too of course. She seems to be stronger/ But what they want/ Her to be is weak/ She could play pretend/ She could join the game, boy/ She could be another clone….don’t come visit/mother/ why go home?

Blood - Sirius’ family trying to make him into something he’s not

Spin me round/ Roll me over/ Fucking circus/ Stab it down/ One way needle/ Pulled so slowly/ Drains and spills/ Soaks the pages/ Fills their sponges/ It’s my blood/ It’s my blood

WMA - basically about all the big pureblood families that can get away w anything

“He won the lottery when he was born/ Took his mothers white breast to his tongue/ Do no wrong so clean cut/ Dirty his hands, it comes right off” (tw for song: police, implied police violence)

Do the Evolution - Sirius ranting abt/mocking his family

Admire me, admire my home/ Admire my son, he's my clone…./ I'll do what I want but irresponsibly/ It’s evolution, baby/ I’m a thief, I'm a liar/ There’s my church, I sing in the choir:/ (Hallelujah, hallelujah)

Bushleaguer - abt the aristocracy etc

This song is literally about George bush lmao but I love it abt the upper class

“Born on third, thinks he got a triple…./The aristocrat choir sings, "what's the ruckus?”/ The haves have not a clue/ The immenseness of suffering”

Mind your manners - You guessed it - Sirius rejecting his family

I've got an unfortunate feelin’/ I've been beaten down/I feel I don't believe/ And now the truth is coming out/ What they've taken is more than a vow/ They’ve taken your innocence/ And then they throw them on a burning fire/ All along they're sayin’/ Mind your manners

My father’s son - SIRIUS

I am my father's son,/ Yeah, too bad he was a psychopath and now I'm the next in line, , dear mother, yes, surely she's a work of art,…/Can I get a reprieve?/ This gene pool dark and deep…./Now father you're dead and gone and I'm finally free to be me,/ Thanks for all your dark gifts for which I've got no sympathy,/ I’m living in a walled-up place in the bounds of 5th symphony

Yellow Ledbetter - Sirius

Okay so 97% of the the lyrics are indecipherable when Eddie sings them but you can hear I don’t wanna stay

Go - Regulus to Sirius as he’s trying to leave

(Abuse tw) So sorry about this one yall …… .but yes I think this is regulus finally realizing that he shouldn’t have let things get so bad at home (Sirius blames him for not stepping in even tho he’s a child there’s nuance here etc) and he’s begging Sirius not to leave him here “Oh please don't go out on me don't go out on me now/ Never acted up before don't go on me now/ I swear I never took it for granted just thought of it now/ Suppose I abused you just passing it on….I pulled the covers over him shoulda' pulled the alarm/ Turned to my nemesis…Please don't go on me/ Don’t go on me/ Don’t go on me/ Don’t go on me/ please”

Rearviewmirror - Sirius running away

(Tw abuse) Time to emancipate/ I guess it was the beatings made me wise….Forced to endure/ What I could not forgive/ I seem to look away/ Wounds in the mirror waved/ It wasn't my surface most defiled

Can’t Keep - Sirius running away from home

I want to shake/ I want to wind out/ I want to leave/ This mind and shout/ I’ve lived/ All this life/ Like an ocean/ In disguise/ I don't live for ever/ You can't keep/ Me here

Hail, Hail - Remus and Sirius’ codependent strong love

A how I love you till the day I die...ah and beyond…/ are we going to the same place? If so, can I come?/ It’s egg rollin' thick and heavy...all the past we carry…

Release - Remus thinking about his dad

Remus’ dad is so full of guilt for his hand in remus’ transformations that he extracted himself from remus’ life. Remus laments here, “Oh, dear dad/ Can you see me now?/ I am myself/ Like you somehow” “I'll hold the pain/Release me” he’d would rather have a dad, guilt and all, here, than the self appointed absence but since you left me with the absence and grief and loss of it, at least release me from it, loosen your grip so I can move on.

Present Tense - Sirius and Remus talking probably laying in the forbidden forest assuaging one another’s beliefs of the gnarled beasts they think they are

BUGS - prob remus when he turns before the boys know

Bugs on my ceiling/ Crowded the floor/ Standing sitting kneeling…/ A few block the door/ And now the question’s:/ Do I kill them?/ Become their friend?/ Do I eat them?/ Do I join them?/ I’ll just stop now/ I’ll become naked/ And with the...I'll become one

Who you are - probably James at remus when he thinks he’s a big monster

Who are we?/ Who we are./ What’s your part? Who you are / You are who you are.

Save you - GOD THIS SONGG okay this is probably James @ Sirius when home life is bad and also Sirius @ Remus and also Remus @ Sirius it’s all of them @ all of them

Gonna save you fucker, not gonna lose you/ Feeling cocky and strong, can't let you go,/ Too important to me/ Too important to us, we'd be lost without you/ Baby, let yourself fall, I'm right below you now/ And fuck me if I say something you don't want to hear/ And fuck if you only hear what you want to hear/ Fuck me if I care, but I'm not leaving here/ You helped me when I was down, I'll help when you're down/ Why are you hitting yourself, c'mon hit me instead

Life Wasted - Sirius @ Reg re: leaving

I escaped it, a life wasted./ I’m never going back again…./ You're always saying you're too weak to be Strong./ You’re harder on yourself than just about Anyone/ Why swim the channel just to get this far?/ Halfway there, why would you turn around?

Severed Hand - Reg joins the death eaters

Big man stands behind an open door/ Said, leave your lady on the cement floor./ Got some kicks, want to take a ride?/ I said, yeah!/ Oh please understand I just need, my friend,/ A way a way a way home

Brain of J. - Reg and Sirius arguing after he joins the death eaters

The whole world will be different soon/ The whole world will be relieving/ You, you've been taught/ We’d been the same, now they got you in line/ Stand behind the stripes/ There will be order, so give it a good mind…./And by name/ The name they gave me/ The name I'm letting go

Deep - Regulus knows he’s in too deep

This is Regulus knowing he’s in too deep, Voldemort and the death eaters are such bad fucking people and he’s in too deep now (massive tw for this song for drugs and se*ual violence)

“Ponders his Maker, ponders his will/ in too deep/ can’t touch the bottom”

Pilate - Remus abt Sirius ;0)

Like Pilate I have a dog/ (Obeys listens kisses loves)/ Walks me out of town/ Still one's a crowd/ Making angels in the dirt/ Looking up looking all around

You Are - in love 🥰

Love is a tower/ Of strength to me/ I am the shoreline/ But you're the sea

Red Bar - the war begins

War, I’m crazy/ War I’m crazy I’m war the song is also a lil goofy so it’s maybe just like going crazy being so in it that it’s funny now

Porch - WARTIME EVERYONE @ THEIR LOVERS

It’s the war and everyone knows today could be their last day and tensions are running high in relationships and they love each other so much and need each other but snap at one another nonetheless

What the fuck is this world running to?/ You didn't leave a message/ At least I could have learned your voice one last time/ Daily minefield, this could be my time by you/ Would you hit me? Would you hit me?/ Hear my name, take a good look/ This could be the day/ Hold my hand, walk beside me

Thin Air - babes in love

There's a light, when my baby's in my arms,/ There’s a light, when the window shades are drawn…/ And I know she's reached my heart, in thin air.

All or None - More war time songs soz

Here's the selfless confession/ Leading me back to war/ Can we help that our destinations/ Are the ones we've been before?/ I still try to run on/ But it's all or none

Parting Ways - Lily @ James during the war

She knows their future's burning/ But she can smile just the same, same/ And though her mood is fine today/ There’s a fear they'll soon be parting ways

Love Boat Caption - Sirius/Remus, Lily/James, etc etc. during the war

Love boat captain/ Take the reigns and steer us towards the clear, here/ It’s already been sung, but it can't be said enough/ All you need is loveIt's an art to live with pain/ Mix the light into grey/ Lost nine friends we'll never know/ Two years ago today/ And if our lives became too long/ Would it add to our regret?…./Hold me and make it the truthThat when all is lost, there will be you

Evacuation - going into hiding

Lukin- Lily and James have to go into hiding

(Tw st*lking mention in explanation, gun mention in song) The song was written by Eddie when he was being stalked and he had to bring himself and his wife to a friend’s house for safety.

In Hiding - Lily and James are in hiding and enter Peter

No way in or out/ I turned and walked the hallways/ And pulled the curtains down…./I swallow the truth to keep from lying/ i'm no longer overwhelmed and it seems so simple now/ Yeah, it's funny how things change so much/ It’s all state of mind

Once - Peter Pettigrew betraying the marauders

Literally about someone committing a mass murder. “Once upon a time I could control myself.” “Mimic whats insane.”

Around the Bend - I'm so sorry ummm but Lily to Harry on Halloween 💀

I am wishing you a well…./ I hold your head deep in my arms/ My fingertips, they close your eyes/ Off you dream, my little child/ There’s a sun around the bend/ Please forgive me, won't you, dear?/ Please forgive and let me share with you, around the bend/ You’re an angel when you sleep/ How I want your soul to keep, on and on around the bend

Garden - Sirius being taken to Azkaban

He’s just taking his fate as it comes to him.

The direction of the eye/ So misleading/ The defection of the soul/ Nauseously quick/I will walk, with my hands bound/ I will walk, with my face blood/ I will walk, with my shadow flag/ Into your garden/ Garden of stone

Even flow - IS SO VERY MUCH SIRIUS IN AZKABAN

sung from the pov of an incarcerated person waiting for life to begin again

BUGS - Sirius in Azkaban (yes I already said this abt remus but idc)

Bugs on my ceiling/ Crowded the floor/ Standing sitting kneeling…/ A few block the door/ And now the question’s:/ Do I kill them?/ Become their friend?/ Do I eat them?/ Do I join them?/ I’ll just stop now/ I’ll become naked/ And with the...I'll become one

Black - Remus lamenting about Sirius’ perceived deception

Remembering their love and how now so many of his memories are tainted (by) black and that all of this has changed him fundamentally (star imagery, “black”, “tattooed everything”)

Indifference - Sirius in grimmauld place, sirius in Azkaban

Sirius taking his home life in stride until he can leave, taking Azkaban in stride bc it doesn’t matter any way bc he believes he deserve it anyway

“Pretend I'm free to roam/ I will make my way/ Through one more day in hell/ How much difference does it make?/ How much difference does it make?/ I will hold the candle/ Till it burns up my arm/ Oh, I'll keep takin' punches/ Until their will grows tired/ Oh, I will stare the sun down/ Until my eyes go blind/ Hey, I won't change direction/ And I won't change my mind/ How much difference does it make?/ How much difference does it make?/ I’ll swallow poison, until I grow immune/ I will scream my lungs out till it fills this room”

Alive - Remus post ’81

Eddie originally wrote the song as a lament - why did I live when he didn’t? Why am I still alive?

“Is something wrong she said, of course there is, you’re still alive she said, but do I deserve to be?”

Animal - Remus after ’81 when he needs to transform alone

Feat. A throwback to being turned (so tw: abd*ction) “Torture from you to me, yeah/Abducted from the street/I'd rather be with an animal”

Nothingman - Sirius and Remus after ’81

Once divided nothing left to subtract/ Some words when spoken can't be taken back/ Walks on his own with thoughts he can't help thinking/ Future’s above but in the past he's slow and sinking…./ She once believed in every story he had to tell/ One day she stiffened took the other side/ Empty stares from each corner of a shared prison cell/ One just escapes one's left inside the well

Smile - Remus @ the marauders (except it’s after ’81 and he just thinks of them fondly)

Don't it make you smile?/ I miss you already/ I miss you always/ I miss you already/ I miss you all day/ This is how I feel/ Three crooked hearts swirls all around/ Don’t it make you smile?

In my tree - remus abt sirius after ’81

I remember him, yeah…/ I swore I knew everything, oh yeah…/ They say knowledge is a dream, yeah…/ He's growing up just like me, yeah…

Light Years - Remus abt Sirius

But now you're gone, I haven't figured out why/ I’ve come up with riddles and jokes about war/ I’ve figured out numbers and what they're for/ I’ve understood feelings and I've understood words/ But how could you be taken away?/ Back pages and days alone that could have been spent/ Together, but we were miles apart Every inch between us becomes light years now

I’m open - Remus!!!! Post ’81

After spending half his life searching he still felt as blank/ As the ceiling at which he stared/ He is alive but feels absolutely nothing/ So is he?/ When he was six he believed that the moon overhead followed him/…..So this is what it's like to be an adult/ If he only knew now what he knew then

Thumbing my Way - Remus post ’81 again blah blah ikik

I can't be free with what's locked inside of me/ If there was a key you took it in your hand/ There’s no wrong or right but I'm sure there's good and bad/ The questions linger overhead

Rats - we know how remus like to soliloquize …. This is him waxing poetic about how fucking horrible Peter is

The song itself is kind of listing the many ills of humankind saying how rats don’t compare to people bc they don’t do all this. But Peter isnt really a rat. He’s a man and oppresses like a man and betrays like a man and takes like a man.

“Drink the blood of their so-called best friend….They don't scurry when something bigger comes their way….Don't take what's not theirs“

Oceans - Sirius escaping Azkaban

Hold on to the thread/ The currents will shift, glide me towards/ You know something's left/ And we're all allowed to dream of the next…..The sea will rise/ Please stand by the shore/ I will be there once more

Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town - Sirius after Azkaban

200004309248% sirius returning from 12 years isolated. He doesn’t really recognize most things. Remus wouldn’t recognize him. He’s different. Changed by being unchanged. He couldn’t grow and learn and morph and become. He stagnated yet decayed. But he’s back and he recognizes your skin and your breath. He’s back.

Off He Goes - Sirius is a Sagittarius in the first half, second half is post PoA

Know a man his face seemed pulled and tense/ Like he's riding on a motorbike in the strongest winds/ So I approach with tact/ Suggest that he should relax/ But he's always movin' much too fast/ Said he'll see me on the flip side/ On this trip he's taken for a ride…./ And now I rub my eyes for he has returned/ Seems my preconceptions are what should have been burned/ For he still smiles and he's still strong/ Nothing’s changed, but the surrounding bullshit, that has grown/ And now he's home, and we're laughing, like we always did/ My same old, same old friend/ Until a quarter-to-ten

All Those Yesterdays - and cue the bath scene, remus washes his lost love

Don't you think you oughta rest?/ Don’t you think you oughta lay you head down?/ You don't think there's time to stop/ There’s time enough for you to lay your head down tonight tonight/ Let it wash away/ All those yesterdays

[d-l-landcaslil]

My opinion on why is Endeavor’s redemption arc valid

I’ve been thinking about writing something like this for a while, but somehow I never did. But now I’m just going to ramble to cope with the anxiety the latest chapter gave me hhhh

So a lot of Endeavor stans get the question, why don’t we hate him, and I think this is a valid question (as long as you don’t attack us immediately and assume that we support all the wrong thing he’s done!). And I’m not here to convince anyone to like Endeavor. You can hate him, he deserved it. Just please don’t wish for his death in the current arc of the manga because if that happens everyone is fucked you don’t want that and also it hurts This for those who actually ask this question because they’re interested in the answer.

So here’s the thing. First of all I think he’s an amazing hero. Let’s not forget that he has the most solved cases ever, which means even more than All Might! He saved thousands of people. And his skills are just hella amazing, he is competent in almost all types of combat, and while AM gains his physical strength from his quirk, Enji’s quirk itself doesn’t provide it, it probably took him a lot of heavy training to get there. Sidenote for this he is hot af and can step on me any day and I’ll thank him.   Of course his heroic actions are no excuse for the abuse he did, but in my opinion the abuse he did does not diminish his merits as hero either. I admit this is arguable, but these are my views even on irl people of similar kind. 

So yes, I admit, as a person, he is extremely problematic, he abused his family, and it’s not something to be overlooked. But also his character is amazingly written. I think his backstory is one of those elements in the story, that tries to bring attention to the problems with the hero society. And boi, there’s a lot to unpack there. Firstly, what he represents is sadly common in real life too: that people (especially men) serving at the police, in the army, etc are abusing their power this way and getting away with it because of their rank. But not only this. This leads to even more complex problems within the entire hero community. And this is the rivalry between heroes and the toxic masculinity in the hero community. Now I’m not the one to quickly agree with Stain, because I’m fed up with the cliché of heroes having to be fully selfless (it’s their job and they need to eat and pay rent bruh) and that the whole system is corrupt BUT the fact that the hero ranking exists and forces the heroes to compete with each other is so wrong on so many levels. And of course there are certain heroes who can actually let this go and only focus on the job itself (e.g. Hawks), but there is a lot of pressure on everyone and not all of them can escape it. Don’t tell me it’s normal that Kiri had an inferiority complex for years bc he was too scared to attack a villain three times his size in 4th grade of middle school

And I think a lot depends on the family background. Notice, how the students/heroes who are not coming from a hero family or a family that expected the to become heroes (Deku, Uraraka, etc.) are way more chill about the whole thing, because they parents are proud of them af whatever little heroic thing they do. When it comes to Enji, we don’t know anything about his parents/family background but I have a really strong feeling that he was pressured into the marriage with Rei and into always being the best. Here’s why. We know that Fuyumi is 23 and there’s ~three years between the kids (bc that’s when the quirks appear) so Toya is probably 26. Enji is 46, so he was 20 when they had Toya. So he got married even before he became 20. Now don’t tell me a 19-20 yo young man, who has just graduated from UA (probably with flying colors) and already aims to be nr1 would decide to get married and have kids - even if he’s madly in love, nevermind out of convenience. (And even if he was in love with Rei /but he wasn’t/ and wanted to marry her, any descent parents would have stopped him.) Yes, he probably agreed, because he felt like that preserving and passing down his quirk is important, and that he himself is not enough to be the best and he needs a descendant who can do the job for the family reputation if he fails. Of course it’s all just assumption but DON’T TELL ME THAT THIS ALL WOULD HAVE HAPPENED if he just had A SUPPORTIVE FAMILY TO TELL HIM THAT HE IS A GREAT HERO AS HE IS AND HE DOESN’T NEED TO COMPARE HIMSELF TO OTHERS. NO, THEY DIDN’T TELL HIM THAT. Instead they used their money and power to arrange a quirk-marriage and set him up to be a husband and father while still struggling to become nr1. Now add this to Enji’s inherently grumpy, quick, aggressive temper, take away from him the chance to properly socialize with ppl of his age - and you get the textbook abusive man who brought the bad patterns from the family, added his own frustration and took it all out on his family he never really wanted. He might be an inherently bad tempered person. But no-one is born the way he is now. He could have unlearned a lot of it if the expectations of the hero society hadn’t fucked him up at a young age.

But he did what he did and there’s no excuse for that so let’s see why his redemption is still valid in my opinion. Also it’s more explicit manga spoilers from here (basically he talks about his future plans for his fam in the manga and I’m going to talk about it in detail). 

So what many abusers would probably do is to start acting kindly and try to win back their partner/family by promising to change again and again. But Endeavor doesn’t do that. Not only is he willing to stay away from them, but it’s him who stays in their old house and he’s planning to build a whole new house where the kids and Rei, who he wants to get out of the hospital he put her into (!) can live. without him. I had someone who told me they think he wants to be reunited later and he just gives them time but there’s no proof of this and it’s still not that bad. So yes, he admits that him staying away from them is the solution AND he uses his money and power to fix the situation as much as he can. Of course there are a lot of things he can never fix and my stomach still clutches when I watch his past in se2 but HE HAS LEARNED THE LESSON, HE ADMITTED HE FUCKED UP AND HE’S WORKING TO FIX IT AS MUCH AS HE CAN. And I can’t help to cheer for him to able to do that, because that’s the only outcome that’s good for everyone. 

Besides that, the scene where he tells Shoto he will do everything to make him proud and be the hero he can look up to always makes me cry  shows how he admits his mistakes too. He takes the things he said to Shoto, the expectations he raised towards him and admits that he himself haven’t fulfilled those expectations, so he needs to do that in order for Shoto to accept him. So he basically reversed the roles, he reversed the order of power, and he applies what he abused Shoto with to himself, but this time in a non-toxic way. Also, in the Endeavor agency arc we already see how he has a different attitude towards Shoto as his student. One more thing: you can see in that scene and also several times in the manga how he feels like shit when the kids are ignoring or confronting him. And even I think he deserves all of it, BUT this again proves THAT HE. HAS. LEARNED. HIS. LESSON. Yes, he was extremely abusive. No, it cannot be forgiven. But he basically admitted that he was one, got out of the life of those who were affected, tries to change and supports them from the distance. That’s the best he can still to in this fucked up situation. 

And as I witnessed his journey so far, I couldn’t help to start liking him. I cheer for him, I hope he can really change, I’m always excited to see him in action, and I’m really worried about him in the current situation. I think there’s way more potential in him than it was shown in the beginning. I hated him first too. But somehow he became my favorite pro hero and one of my favorite characters overall. 

This is the answer. If you read all this rambling you deserve a medal. 

A closing thought: I think it’s understandable that everyone reacts to Endeavor differently. He is the type of character who divides even the canon characters nevermind the fandom. It’s really interesting to see how all his kids react to him differently, and how they basically represent types of the ppl’s attitudes in the fandom. I realized I’m the Fuyumi type. But of course all are valid. But Dabi types please please let us mourn in peace if the thing happens QwQ 

[depuravidasblog]

Well Hello.

To be honest I don’t know why I am doing this blog. It’s more for my personal inner peace. I just have to talk and let it out but I don't really have anyone I can openly talk too. I lack a connection with someone on a deep level. I think I am a very deep and emotional person who feels a lot and I love to feel a lot with other people. Whether its a laugh, a good cry, anything really. But I lost it all. I lost myself. I thought I was on the path I was meant to be on in life but I just dug myself into a deep hole. I just want happiness. That’s all I fucking want. I’ve never lived a happy life. When I was 4 I was molested repeatedly by a relative who came to stay with us for a bit. Growing up my mother and I had a toxic relationship. She had issues of her own and took it out on me. In school I was bullied a lot for being one of the few Mexicans in a town that was very conservative and white. I was almost lynched by the neighborhood kids at one point. But that's a story for another day. When I was 18 I was raped in my own car at one point. When I was 26 I was manipulated into a relationship that I didn't want to be in out of guilt. He kept telling me he was going to kill himself because he had no one and I was the only one that “cared” for him. He told me that if I left he would end his life because he had no one. We had been friends since the 3rd grade so hearing him say he wanted to end it if I left his side made me feel guilty. He asked me to move in with him because he really needed help so I did. We eventually became more than friends somehow because I didn't even see it happen. He became verbally abusive when he told me that no one would love me if I left him. He told me I was a fat cow and that he was the only one that would love me. Then he became mentally abusive when I became depressed after all the mean things he would say. He once threw me a bottle of pills and told me to kill myself. Then finally he became physically abusive when I tried to leave him. He had a lock on the door that was placed too high for me to reach and he basically locked me in the basement with him. I would have to pee in an empty Gatorade bottle because he didn't trust me going to the bathroom. I tried to escape one time and he threw me on to the coffee table that broke underneath me, then he continued to kneel on my chest. This guy is a 6 foot 4 in tall guy that weighed 235 pounds, and I’m only 5 foot 2 in that weight 135 pounds on the time. I remember thinking I might die here because the look in his eye was like someone else took over and there was no controlling him. I couldn’t breath and I tried screaming for the neighbors to hear. I remember him kneeling on my chest with his right knee while he was pinning both my wrists to the ground. He took one of my wrists and bit my hand so hard it started gushing blood immediately. I think the taste of my blood grossed him out because he let me go immediately and I was able to kick him in the face and knock his glasses off giving me enough time to run out through the other door he was blocking with his body. I ran away and left everything behind. He was afraid of me going to the police so I took pics of my bruised body and threatened him with it and I never heard from him again. This all took in the span of 6 months, and after I got out of it I was in a really dark place. I tried to end my life because I felt so worthless. I didn't understand why so many bad things has happened to me in my life. I blamed myself for it all. I was in college at the time and they found out I wanted to end my life and they ended up calling an ambulance for me and I was forced to get help. I saw a therapist for a year and I was feeling so great for a while. For the first time in my life I felt so great and happy and confident. I ended up meeting a guy that was down to earth, happy, and understanding. We dated for a while but he found someone else and that was the end of that. Two months before it ended we had booked a trip for the two of us to Europe. We were going to go to London, Paris, and Amsterdam together and I was sure he was going to propose. He felt “guilty” so he gave me the entire trip plus $1,200 dollars for spending and told me to go on it with a friend. I really had no interest in going because it would of had been a reminder of us but my boss told me that if I came in to work during the trip week he would fire me LOL and my amazing friends gave me the confidence to take a solo trip and just reconnect with myself, so I did. And now, I am writing this blog, to tell you that I think I made a mistake. 

[mychemicalficrecs]

could i get a rec list of long (30k+) frank-centric any pairing fics? (preferably not in first person, and if there's smut with bottom frank)…weirdly specific but at least i know what i like?

Being specific is totally fine! Depending on what it is you’re looking for, it can even be super helpful :) I originally thought this would be difficult, but it turns out I already had all of these in my bookmarks. It didn’t specifically check for bottom!Frank though (sorry).

Frank-centric Longfic

Gerard Way's (Vampire) Detective Agency by jjtaylor, Pennyplainknits, mainly Frank/Gerard, 164k, Mature. Pete, in Decaydance Mansion, with a yarrow stake. Frank and Gerard, in the greenhouse, with a plant of questionable origin. Bob, everywhere you look, with a gang of assassins for justice. Vampires, valets, pamphlets, haunted furniture, dub-thrall, disembodied voices, zombie couriers, and sinister rituals.

Nightswimming by waxjism, Frank/Gerard, 141k, Not Rated. My Teenage Romance

Unholyverse by Bexless, Frank/Gerard, Ray/Mikey, 187k, Mature, Explicit. Religion! Horror! Exorcisms! Piercings! And Gerard is a priest.

Illyria (King and Country) by tabulaxrasa, Frank/Gerard, 57k, Explicit. Today, they'd woken up and Gerard was King of Illyria. Frank hasn't really been a stable boy since he ended up in the archduke's bed, but now Gerard's exile is over and he's king. Frank has to survive court, politics, and scheming nobles to figure out exactly what he is now.

Stunning Someone by morbid_beauty, Frank/Gerard, 82k, Explicit. Frankie, a tattoo artist living in Brooklyn, has basically everything ze wants...except, like, someone to cuddle with at night. As lame as that sounds. Gerard, an art student living in Manhattan, meets someone of questionable gender and starts a friendship with an unrequited crush. (Or: the one where Frankie is genderfluid, Gerard is kind of ignorant to much of the queer community, and sometimes you just fall for a stunning someone.)

Envision the Magic by innocent_wolves, Frank/Gerard, 69k, Teen And Up Audiences. Gerard is a talented magician, responsible for much of the success of the famous Envision Destiny cruise ship. He's also one of those people. You know, one of those people who just seem to take up all the space they come across with their arrogance and confidence. You wouldn't wanna touch their personality with a 10-foot pole, but still people admire them. That is beyond Frank. Working behind the cruise ship bars and seeing Gerard pretty much every day, he can't understand what's so great about him. Besides, everybody else doesn't have to deal with his snide remarks and rude comments. Because if there's one thing Gerard seems to love, it's the act of constantly pestering Frank.

Truths That He Learned by gala_apples, Frank/Mikey, Patrick/Mikey/Pete, Ashlee/Patrick/Pete, 37k, Explicit. It's Frank's senior year, and it seems like he's constantly having new experiences, at least half of which come as a complete surprise to him. He falls in love, comes out, and has sex, not necessarily in that order.

Fit to be tied by maryangel, Frank/Gerard, 56k, Explicit. Frank is a bartender. Gerard is an alcoholic. They were clearly made for each other. Also, Frank is a werewolf.

Only Going One Way by ataratah, jjtaylor, Frank/Gerard, 73k, Mature. Crossover with due South. Constable Gerard Way of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police and Detective Frank Iero of the Chicago PD team up find Mikey Way in a city where bowling alley score cards hide secret codes, where the good guys are either lying or undercover (and sometimes lying about being undercover), and where criminal bakers make drug-laced frosting.

James Cameron Got It Wrong by ladyfoxxx, Frank/Fun Ghoul/Party Poison, 57k, Explicit. In which 2005!Frank and Fun Ghoul get it on. Then Frank accidentally winds up in 2019.

Rock and Roll Never Looked so Beautiful by corruptedkid, Frank/Gerard, 58k, Explicit. Gerard Way is a rising solo artist, set to become the next big thing in the alternative scene. Frank Iero is a trashy punk with a reputation of his own as the frontman of Pencey Prep. When their paths cross, a love story is born, only to come crashing down when Gerard hits it big. As Gerard ascends to the A-list, Frank adjusts to life on his own. He almost manages it - until two years later, when fate puts him face to face with Gerard once more. Everything has changed, but the connection between them is still there. Their story has ended once before, but if they're lucky, they just might make a new one.

I never told you what I do for a living. by not0-fuckin-kay, Frank/Gerard, 60k+, PG-13 to NC-17. Frank Iero, male nurse at Pete Wentz's private hospital and possibly more to one new patient he can't keep his eyes off of. When a new pateint is brought in with amnesia, just days before Christmas, and with nothing but the clothes on his back and a strange drawing, it's left to Frank to find out who he is and what happened to him. When he does, it changes Frank's life forever, as he's thrust into love and health scares he never thought would complicate his life. This is the story of how he tries to make it through, juggling his job and his love-life and just trying to make things better. With Patrick the doctor, Bob the ward supervisor, Travis the unlikely therapist, and Mikey, the sometimes wannabe homicidal geek.

and me here on the ground by ohnoktcsk, Frank/Gerard, 32k, Explicit. Frank's worked hard to build a life for himself in the city of Jersey, where dragons swoop and dive over the river, and every day is divided by the ringing of the city bells. He knows the streets of the city like he knows the the tattoos on the backs of his hands, and he's content with what he has: a job as a bike courier, friends who love to give him shit, and a crush on a professor of art history at the local university. But he's also got a secret—one he's been running from for a long time. But all it takes is one delivery to a mysterious, quite-probably-magical bookshop to show Frank that there are some things you can’t outrun. Especially since he’s finally found a place that he doesn’t want to leave.

Companion by onceuponamoon, Frank/Gerard, 34k, Explicit. A workplace AU. There’s a dude sitting in one of the high-backed chairs opposite the reception desk. Mostly obscured by a fake ficus plant between them, the guy probably wouldn’t have been noticeable save for the lazy sprawl of his legs, the Chucks contrasting against the floral rug.

Your Heart The Only Place That I Call Home by dear_monday, Frank/Gerard, 30k, Explicit. When Frank and his crew of morally ambiguous ethernauts (pirates, as Imperial law would have it, but that's such an ugly word) fetch up on the doorstep of the fabled Sanctuary, they aren't expecting to find much - least of all a long-lost brother, a garden in a box and the key to an ancient riddle.

Give Me a Reason by mistresscurvy, Lindsey/Frank/Jamia/Gerard and most variants thereof, 38k, Explicit. July 2007. Frank is fucking stoked for the next tour. This one will be the best ever, because his wife's gonna be with him the entire time. They've been married for less than six months, and he still can't fucking believe he got to marry her. This summer is going to rock. But life never happens as he plans.

In Repair by autoschediastic, Frank/Gerard, 33k, Explicit. "Shit," Frank mutters, and shoves both hands through his hair. He looks around the kitchen like he's gonna find what he should do scratched into the old linoleum, then looks back at the bot. He gnaws on his lip. Fuck it. He already knows what he's gonna do. He's just gotta do it. Getting down on his knees, he braces a hand on the edge of the crate and leans over the bot. It's dressed in a plain white tee and matching drawstring pants like an escaped mental patient. Frank rolls his neck and cracks his knuckles, shaking the ache out of them before carefully laying his palm against its cheek. He's pretty sure his voice is steady when he says, "Activate." Nothing happens. Fucking shitty packaging-- the thing's busted. But Frank keeps his hand where it is, jumping a little when he feels the surge of energy beneath it. The robot's skin goes from room temperature to lukewarm, then warm. Frank watches it open its eyes, the light behind them adjusting until they're a pale sort of brown. It looks at him and asks, "Am I dead?"

Promises, Promises by silentdescant, Frank/Gerard, 31k, Explicit. "Sources on our investigative team say this was a bank robbery gone wrong, and that, when faced with a police task force surrounding the building, the suspect grabbed the nearest person and is now holding that young man at gunpoint as he makes his getaway."

Cover To Cover by silentdescant, Frank/Gerard, 32k, Explicit. You've Got Mail AU. Frank owns The Shop Around The Corner, which specializes in classic and rare books, and Gerard is opening up a large branch of Way Books & Café down the street. They meet online and fall in love.

Love: The Package Deal by jjtaylor, Frank/Gerard, Lindsey/Frank/Jamia/Gerard, 30k, Mature. Gerard gets a special kind of amnesia. Frank gets to reexamine his idea of acceptable relationship structures. Lots of people fail to communicate effectively, but they all sure remember how to kiss.

Let The Darkness Lead You Home by rivers_bend, Frank/Gerard, 49k, Explicit. Vampires are in charge and most of the humans on earth are prey, so Frank Iero's parents have him train as a cyber tech to protect him. Leaving the family he's born into may have saved his life, but his parents never could have expected the lengths he'd go to in order to find a new family to call home.

Gross roomies by turps, Frank/Mikey, 36k, Explicit. Frank loves living with Mikey. Sure, the apartment is a mess, the kitchen's a toxic wasteland, and there's something growing in the refrigerator that's just a day or two away from becoming sentient, but other than those minor inconveniences, it's all cool. Or it is until Mikey decides to embark on a journey of sexual discovery and adventure and Frank's left at home with nothing but the fridge monster for company. To make matters worse, Mikey insists on telling Frank everything he does with his new kinky friends, right down to the tiniest detail. And now suddenly Frank is best friends with his right hand and he can't stop thinking about Mikey in ways he never has before. The really big problem, other than suddenly being in lust with his best friend, is that Frank isn't sure why.

Of All The Hidden Corners by moneyes, Frank/Gerard, ~44k, PG-13. An epic, adventurous tale filled with alternate universes, lords, mischief, magical powers, snark, boyfriends, and luck of the bad kind.

Church of Hot Addiction by spleenjournal, 0nlymemories, Frank/Gerard, Frank/Mikey, 36k, Adult. When Gerard Way gets transferred to Our Lady of Peace in Arlington a few weeks into his Senior year, he thinks it's his chance to be cool. Too bad his idea of "cool" is no cooler than it was in 3rd grade, even if there aren't any green tights.

Paradox 'verse by stoplightglow, Frank/Gerard, 42k, Mature. You know the saying. The best part about hitting rock bottom is that you get to meet a hot psychic.

[sociallyintroverteddumbass]

The Toxic people in the HH Fandom

Now this is something I wanted to talk about.

I have been in this community for some time now and it has been the most eventful, yet exciting time of my years. Seeing a large group of fans support a passion project / show made by talented and independent people is pretty damn great and I love it. But, there have been some situations that had reeked some havoc here and I think it’s time we talked about some of them. 

Unfortunately, I could not fit everything I wanted to talk about in this post since it’s a bit overdue , I will be discussing 5 types of toxic people and some situations that had happened in the HH community. 

Note: Most of the stories I’m going to talk about were either made public or had been told by my friends or people who have experienced these situations. 

I will not reveal the names of the toxic individuals or their social media names as I don’t want anyone to witch-hunting any of these people. As much as I hate these types of people, it would be inhumane to go and attack them. In this community, we are trying to bring positivity to the fandom and not attract any drama here. Despite this, I will offer the details of what these individuals have done that should have some light dazzled to help and inform of these disgusting  crimes in the community. Also if you go out of your way to harass any of these people I will beat you up and eat your fingers. You know better then to do that.

1. Harassment

Harassment is no uncommon thing. It can happen to everyone, but that doesn’t mean it’s ok. If you are being harassed or spammed by someone, BLOCK THEM. It is never ok for you to stay silent, especially when that harassment is continuous. If you disagree with someone about something, do not go spamming them in their dms or comments, cause’ that just make you look stupid and immature af. 

Allow me to explain. Role-Play / Role-Players are seemingly the most common in the HH Fandom and often answer questions from others to the the character they are rp-ing as or their ocs. But sometimes they are going to get weird fucking questions.

For example, my good friend @carol1826​ is a roleplayer. She roleplays Charlie and asks / answers ask from others (HH related or not). One day, she had a very annoying anon asking her the question “Are you single?” on her posts and ask box. Of course, she was uncomfortable about that question and deleted those until the anon finally said:

“Dumb bitch deleting questions I was only asking a question...”  

“I bet the real Charlie would answer my questions...”

Ok, first of all what the actual fuck and what type of human being would ask someone that question, especially to a Charlie rp blog. More specifically, why would anyone ask a roleplayer that question. It disgusts me that this anon would do this and I hope they get what’s coming to them.

----       ------      ---    --------         ----------  --   ----------------   -----                   ------- Another example of this comes from Tumblr and DeviantArt. You see, a strange user (we will refer to as “the User”) has been asking artists (minors and adults) a specific request in the HH fandom:

“Draw Angel Dust’s butt looking like his fluffy chest” Or sometimes even these asks: “Draw Angel Dust swallowing bullets” ”Draw angel dust smuggling drugs up his butt” “Draw Alastor killing Pentious with a penance stare” “Can I get a shot of Pentious' eye on his hat?” But it seems that the User would often ask artists to draw Angel Dust with his butt out or doing weird shit, but mostly Angel Dust’s butt.

Of course, they would be constantly asking and spamming artists to do this, even if the artist didn’t want to. They even went as far as asking a 13 yr old artist to draw his request. The User has also admitted that it was a fetish (butt fetish to be specific), which is ok but that doesn’t excuse their actions. Fetishes are normal and I have nothing against anyone who has one but it is not ok to try and demand and spam someone to draw it if they don’t want to. The User has been also stealing art, not crediting artists, participating in art trades but never doing their part, begging or persuading for artists to give free art to them (despite some artists who only do commissions), making fake accounts and harassing /  impersonating people, acting racist, etc. I recommend any HH artist to block this user immediately if you get an ask from them.

If the artist doesn't want to draw your request, then you should leave them alone.

It is not ok to spam an artist’s askbox or DMs the same request they rejected over and over again. It’s not going to do any good for you if you do this.

Not only that,

The User also does this to HH roleplayers, sending really weird rp asks to them, mainly those who roleplay Angel Dust. In fact, there was one instance where they sent an ask to a Angel Dust roleplayer in which they basically raped Angel or asked very perverted question about their “Fluffy Butt” (the worst one is when they asked Angel rp-ers to swallow a rat and see if it comes out through the butt), along with other weird asks and it’s fucking disgusting / disturbing as this makes the User look like an extreme creep. It is not uncommon for these types of people to ask others to satisfy their fetishes or sexual desires, and will do whatever it takes to get that fetish / desire expressed from anyone (minors or adults) they can contact, even if it is illegal.

Unfortunately, this User has also ask artists these requests on DA as well, but way worse than you could ever imagine. The worst instance was where they’d ask various artists to draw a frog with worms up its ass. Yeah, I’m calling the Art Police.  Recently, the User had posted on DA discussing this issue. Of course they were acting very perverse, deny that they spam artists (even though it’s the truth) and trying to pull a bullshit pity party / sob story by explaining how they used to be homeless for 2 years, abused and attacked, which (I clearly doubt is true). The fact they tried to defend themselves by talking about how shitty their life used to be fucking disgusts me and is so very pathetic, it makes me gag knowing that these people exist and we are forced to live among them. The User is obviously trying to pull people away from the situation by using the pity card, and it failed. Why the hell should anyone give you the benefit of the doubt that you have done these sick, twisted, and inhumane things to artists by spamming them gross requests and being a big baby when people call you out, as if you should even deserve pity to begin with?  Now of course, what the User is saying does sound very hard to deal with and very sad, but once it crosses the line (due to these actions the User has done and has been very immature and uncompromising about it) people won’t care about how you got there nor feel pity about it. Besides, I doubt anything that the User said is actually true, especially the “homeless for 2 years” part, since if that were the case, you’d be more focused on money and rent rather than asking artists to draw a character clapping their ass-cheeks. Currently on this user’s DA page, they’ve been doing these abominations of status posts for some time, posting pity-post stories in order to get sympathy and just bad. In one of their posts, they go completely ape-shit. Like, this is what happens when desperation and lies is your only option to escape your problems because you’re to perverse to try and fix those issues. I doubt anything this guy says is real anymore since, at this point, anything they say is just a way for them to get pity-points.  Here are the posts btw -----v

Overall, this user is a art thief, spammer, pedophile, manipulating, lying disgusting immature pig that should be eradicated from the internet and all communities for they have been nothing but harassed and cause problems in the fandoms they entered. 

In conclusion, If you are an HH rp / art blog and you are getting uncomfortable asks like these, do not respond and / or block the person asking, you have that right and these people can’t tell you otherwise. If you are harassing people like this, then shame on you for your actions and you seriously need to stop. Its not fucking ok and it will never be ok. NEVER FUCKIN’ EVER. 

2. Art Theft 

Now those of you who have been here for a long time in the Vivziepop Fandom, you will know that many people would sometimes repost Vivz’s artwork. Most of the time we usually don’t do this in the intent of stealing it but to share it or even criticize it. Seemingly Vivz doesn't have a problem with this, unless you are stealing it for you own personal gain and lie that it’s their art. That’s right, these bastards steal her art and claim its theirs. If you been frequently going to Vivz’s Twitter back in 2017, you might remember her calling out a blog that was stealing her art and saying it was theirs.

If you thought that was bad, not only does this happen to Vivz, it happens to other artists in the the HH fandom, the two I’m going to talk about come from @rabbit1225​ and @ztoonsz.

Rabbit1225 makes beautifully drawn artwork of characters, and they are especially well known for their fanart on HH characters in the fandom (Lucifer from HH to be specific). But, unfortunately as Rabbit continues with the fanart, others take it without permission. In fact, there was one instant where someone had ask Rabbit if they could use their picture of Lucifer in the Hazbin Hotel Wiki for Lucifer’s bio in a conversation on DeviantArt. Rabbit said no, but they didn’t care. They not only posted it on the wiki, they spelled Rabbit’s DeviantArt name wrong. Fortunately, Rabbit told the person to remove the pic immediately and told them off for not listening, and so far the pic was removed from the wiki.

This would soon lead to Rabbit putting big watermarks over most their artwork so art thieves couldn’t steal them. I mean, the watermarks are so big they take up the whole pic, which is smart. But still it is a very sad thing to see this happen to artist like Rabbit just because they make some good art of their favorite characters. Sure, asking artists for permission to use their artwork is ok, but taking their art (even if the artist said no) without permission is extremely wrong and disgraceful.  -------    ----              ------------                 --------------------------    -----    ----------

Ztoonz is also an artist who draws HH characters, including their HH oc. Suddenly, an Instagram user was not only stealing their HH art, but stealing various ones from another artist. Ztoonz confronted this thief, and it went pretty bad to say the least. The thief kept saying it was “Their art” and kept calling them insults like “Bitch” or “British Cunt”. What really put the nail in the coffin was when the thief  threaten to repost Ztoonz’s art and claim that Ztoonz was the one stealing it. Now that’s just cold. Of course, Ztoonz made a post regarding this and everyone started to report this thief. Thankfully, the thief deleted all of the art because they knew they fucked up and they deserved it. 

If an you are reposting another person’s art, you must ask for permission first. If don’t and just straight up do it anyway, be sure to credit them at least.

If the artist asks you to remove the reposted art, Do IT, as the art is theirs and not yours and you could get sued or even arrested by the artist for stealing their art.

 Respect an artist’s request to leave their art alone or credit them and move on with your life.

It’s not that difficult. You’ll look bad.

This also goes for Ocs as well, of course.

It is despicable and stealing another person’s character and / or art , it makes you look like you are devoid of creativity to make your own and it’s scummy.

 3. The Attack Of HH Shippings 

This is a tweet Vivzie made on her Twitter. I hope you read or at least acknowledged this tweet, because I’m going to talk about a certain issue regarding this. You see, the reason why Vivz made this tweet was because of the fact that there was an increase of actual people bullying other for certain  ships, canon or not, which I must say is just sad. Like, guys they’re just cartoon characters, calm the fuck down. If you’re seriously going to debate others about a certain ship and whether or not it’s canon for 2 hours, then you are the real fool here.  I don’t know what’s worse: -People shipping real-life people that don’t know each other / have no love or sexual relations with.  OR -People getting into heated arguments about certain fictional character ships from cartoons or shows. What more do we need to tell you? How many fucking times do we all need to say it to you people? Doing this is just going to make you look like a shit person, and an immature one at that. There is no reason for you to do this.There is no reason to attack someone for having some ship of an HH character because you disagree with it. I’ve said it, everyone has said it, even Vivzie herself has said it.  I know this is common in almost all fandoms and communities, but come on, ya’ll should be mature enough to know that being a bitch about stupid shit is just stupid. You guys are old enough to learn how to respect an opinion / interest, yet you people are crying like babies about how some people are shipping Vaggie and Angel Dust cause’ he is gay and not straight. THEY’RE JUST SHIPS! Not only that, even if Angel Dust and Vaggie used to be a couple in the older version of HH and it’s not canon anymore, you can still ship them regardless.

Sure, we all love our demons guys n’ gals but we need to remember they’re just characters and we can do whatever ships we want. Of course, there are going to be the weird looking ships, but we need to respect those ships. You have no authority to tell a person to kill themselves all because they shipped Charlie with Alastor. You are not the God of Ships, nor are you entitled to say you are. 

Speaking of the Vaggie x Angel Dust ship, my friend @scarecrowinc93 told me about someone supporting that ship here on Tumblr. They loved it so much, they made a kickstarter to make the ship canon. Fucking Madlad. But when people tried to tell them that it might not come true, they went ape-shit. They responded to all of this in a post and were extremely rude and bitter about it, though they tried to cover their tracks by deleting it as soon as they realize they fucked up. Now as much as we love fan ships and wish they could be canon, it might not happen and you need to except that fact. 

Just because you’re in a fandom that have excepting ships does not mean you can harass people for disagreeing with your ship or anyone else. I get it people should have free opinions here and there, but you don’t have the right to speak in a rude manner because someone didn’t like your ship. That’s not right and you know that.

4.”Is Hazbin Hotel a Scam?” Bullshit and Clickbait Slander

What happens when someone is desperate for views on YouTube? Slander and attempting to start drama of course! There had been two videos that have caused a bit of a steer. 

The first one was at the day of Christmas Eve, a video called “Is Hazbin Hotel a Scam?” was uploaded by some random person, and I gotta say I was pissed off and disgusted. This might as well be the most infamous video slandering Hazbin Hotel to exist. Words cannot describe this video, and the only way I can describe it is with this image:

I’m pretty sure everyone knows that Hazbin Hotel isn’t a scam. For one, Vivzie and the HH crew do not want to let the fans down, especially at this point in time as Hazbin Hotel is popular with a majority of fans, who are excited for the upcoming show. Do you really think Vivziepop would want to let her own fans down and lie about the upcoming show just to gain money? Yeah uh, how about no motherfucker. They’ve been working so hard to even stop the project at this point. Multiple clips from the pilot have been released to the public, and you can clearly see that the HH crew are working hard to make this show real. Animation that could make Disney cry, colors that pop and vibrate with beauty, and characters with designs that defy our ability to comprehend. For example, Ashely Nichols is one of the HH animators / artists working on the project. She is well known for the many streams she broadcasts. Most of them are usually of her animating various scenes, but with a bit of a twist. You see, to make these streams more entertaining, she brings in one of the several voice actors of Hazbin Hotel to the stream and have the viewers give voice requests said voice actor. In fact, she is currently in a relationship with Micheal Kovach, the voice of Angel Dust. Sometimes even Vivzie makes streams. During those streams some viewers would ask her various questions about Hazbin Hotel, and you know what she does? She answers their questions. Vivzie likes to talk about the Hazbin Hotel’s universe, especially her characters and want to share them with her fans.  So how is that a scam? If Hazbin Hotel was a scam, then why is the HH crew so dedicated to make this project successful? Explain that, cause’ it seems that the person who made this video might have something to say about this. I question whether or not this person is a troll or not, but I’m on the notion they did this for views since in their channel they have never talked about animation or anything related to that and probably doesn’t even know anything about it. Literally, when I first went on this person’s channel, there was barely anything in there that related to animation, art, or anything of that sort but (what I can assume to be) video blogs with barely any views. When I saw this, I could just feel the desperateness for views radiating from their channel. It’s like the equivalent of someone cashing in on a famous person’s death because they’re so desperate for views and attention. When first watching this “exposed video”, I honestly couldn’t even watch it at it’s fully entirety because it was that bad. The points this person made were too idiotic to take seriously and I feel bad for those who believed these disgusting lies. Here are just some of the “points” this person made about the so called “Hazbin Hotel scam”: - Having merch before the show has been released - Having no official release date - The crew only caring about money, not the fans - Having two Patreon pages (One is Vivziepop, the other’s Hazbin Hotel) These are just some of the “points” the person made in the video, and oh believe me it gets worse. While some seem understandable, most of them sound too abysmal to be true. Like seriously, “Having no official release date...”? How petty do you have to be to make up this shit? I get it, the internet can be a sketchy place and you can’t always trust the things you believe, but that statement does not make sense. Let me explain, most animation projects take time to make, like it can 5-7 hours to make a 10 second clip. Now imagine 30 minutes (which is how long the Hazbin Hotel pilot will be), imagine how long it would take to animate. Drawing every single frame neatly and correctly, making sure every scene is right, taking time and making it perfect. The amount of time and effort animators take on animating is astounding. Animation is hard and whether you animate or not, you know that it takes a great deal of toil and energy to do something like this, especially when it comes to 2D animation (which is the main animation style for Hazbin Hotel), where you have to draw each and every frame by hand. Animators need time to do this stuff and sometimes don’t when they’ll be done. Hell, animation companies like Disney, Pixar, Dreamworks, etc. need time for this shit and it could take them months or even years to even start the animation process. Even if these companies have a larger budget then Vivzie, that doesn’t mean she can’t full-fill her animation dream. Like I said before, Vivziepop has already released multiple clips from the pilot, talked about the universe of Hazbin Hotel and it’s characters, and overall make the wait for the pilot something everyone can enjoy. If it were a scam, the animation wouldn’t look completed / smooth, Vivzie would not be talking about the HH universe as much, there wouldn’t be as many animation streams being made, etc.

Apparently, the video was so bad, misleading, and plain retarded, Jakeneutron (who is an animator well known for doing stuff related for Steven Universe), told the person off in the comment section along with other people who actually have a brain. This person, this fucking person, was just spouting bullshit claims like how: 

“They only care about money than the project”

and

“It takes 6 animators to make the merch line and several days to release the merch line”

This person obviously doesn’t know how to tell a good lie because his claims are total bullshit and easily debunkable. The video might have been deleted since it hasn’t been seen near the top when you search “Hazbin Hotel” on Youtube but I don’t want to say it too soon, but if the video is still up then I recommend to not watch it as, like I said, just an attempt to start drama and get views from a pathetic troll / leech.  Seriously, these lies are so bad I feel like my brain cells are slowly dying just reading them.

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Next one, a video was uploaded seemingly in December  of another random person’s “reaction” to the Hazbin Hotel trailer and was pretty bad. One of the most idiotic claims this person kept dragging was that this was for children and it is very inappropriate. How? HOW?!

How is a show about demons, murderers, villains in Hell (with mild cursing and sex jokes) for children? This person literally thinks that anything animated is for children. I swear people with that mentality about animation always being “Family Friendly” are just plain idiots. Like look at Family Guy / American Dad / Bojack Horseman / Mr.Pickles / The NutShack, they all have mature and inappropriate themes in them, and they’re animated.

Generally speaking here, yes I do think young children shouldn’t watch HH for obvious reasons. Yes, even though the characters are really funny and enjoyable and the animation beautiful, it’s not mean’t for a very young audience. You could tell Hazbin Hotel isn’t family friendly the moment they talk about drugs, Hell, murder, genocide, etc. but this person acts like it’s going to corrupt our kids the nano-second they watch it. Not only that, they were involving religion into the video. Unfortunately, due my poor memory, I couldn’t remember what they said, but what I do remember was the title saying “I’m never leaving my church ever again...” and the thumbnail being the person seemingly holding a mini bible. Unsurprisingly, they got a lot of hate from that video, but for some reason the person was liking every comment (including the ones that were going against him), which begs the question, What the fuck? The video was deleted, of course.

Now, oddly enough this person is special in a way. They may just seem like your average slanderer towards HH, but they’re a weird one. You see for some reason this person kept making “review videos” on the HH clips or videos apparently supporting HH. Yeah, excuse me but what the fuck? Are they trying to cover their tracks? 

It’s hard to tell if they’re a troll or not because at this point I don’t know. First they slander HH, now they supporting it? What is this person doing and why?

One of my most biggest problems with their HH ‘review’ videos is how the jokes they make are bland, unfunny, and just confusing (to me at least). When they make an attempt at a joke, it’s hard to even call it a joke because it makes you debate whether to laugh or not. 

For example, in their “review” to “A Cautionary Tale”, Angel Dust says he’s “Not too big on politics”, and then the person takes out a MAGA hat, wears it, and says “Well, then you and I are gonna get along great!” I think it’s suppose to be a political joke since in the corner it said *Republican joke*, but at the same time it comes across as not really funny.

My second biggest issue I have about them is how they literally have no fucking clue on what they’re saying. Like they have no idea who the characters are, the universe of the show, etc. and honestly comparing them to an average HH fan, they have the IQ of a penny when talking about HH. In their “A Cautionary Tale” review video, they literally claimed there was no such thing as an “overnight” in Hell and that they’ve been hearing people say that everyone in the main cast of HH died in the 1940s (even though most of the characters have different personalities based on when they died, which is not just the 1940s). Yeah, this ain’t it chief. 

One of the most stupidest things this guy said was that Alastor was Adolf Hitler himself...  Yeah no. Like I’m not sure if this is suppose to be some sort of joke, but judging from this guy’s low knowledge on HH and them being obsessed the 1900s, it seems likely. 

Firstly, Alastor died in 1933, New Orleans (which was told by Vivz in one of Ashely’s streams) during the great depression before WW2, while Hitler died in 1945, Berlin during WW2. Literally, you could just google “Adolf Hitler” and it would show you his date of death on the right side of the screen when you google him, and for Alastor you would go to the Hazbin Hotel Wiki. It’s not that hard.

Secondly, if Alastor was Hitler, then he would have spoken in german or german accent, hate Jews / African Americans / Gays / Hipsanics / etc., have a swastika on this arm, and have the signature mustache or at least something like Hitler. Alastor speaks in a 1930′s voice and speaks english, literally (seemingly) doesn’t care about what race or sexual orientation you are, has no mustache.  

If you went and researched about these characters more on the Hazbin Hotel Wiki, then you wouldn’t look so stupid especially if you want to be invested in the show’s characters or the show in general.

If you haven’t noticed yet, this person is into some war history judging by his interest of World War stuff. I can understand that they may not know, but (like I said) you could literally go to the Hazbin Hotel Wiki to learn more about the story, rather than make dumb assumptions on things you don’t know. You have the internet, use it.

If you think that making video’s slandering a show or person gonna get you good-ass views, then fuck you. Doing this will do nothing but bring angry fans and confused people believing the things you say. If you find satisfaction from that, you are fucking disgusting and a trashy human being. 

5. Roleplay Bullying

Much like HH ship-bullying, roleplayers are being bullied by their way of roleplaying. One that has come to attention is one coming from the Twitter RP-Verse. They roleplay as Alastor and has been acting like a tyrant. You see, they are also an artist who do HH fanart and are well-known for it actually (but I won’t tell who). They would insult roleplayers for their ability or way of roleplaying behind their backs and it’s quite childish for someone to be mad at something so small and idiotic. The roleplayer would use their fans to try and force other rp-ers from the roleplay, as if they control it, which is false and you can’t really control a roleplay, unless someone’s being annoying af and I doubt that this Alastor roleplayer is doing what their doing for that reason. I can understand that territories like this can get pretty hostile, but regards to this specific situation there isn’t really an excuse. I’m not going to go too deep into this topic since (let’s be honest) is another version of HH ship-bullying but except it’s roleplay. Maybe next time I’ll go deeper into this.

So what did we learn today?

Today we learn how truly pathetic us humans can be. How people would go out of their way to conduct such petty crimes to satisfy themselves because they have nothing else better to do in their sad little lives. 

I might make a part 2 of this post, since I couldn’t talk about everything I wanted to say in this post since that would take forever to make. 

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Thank you all for read my post!   

I wish everyone in this community the greatest and to be safe on the internet. Toxic people are crawling left and right and it is important that we don’t let these people get to us, we are better than these people.

If any of you guys want to make a similar post like this, then go ahead! It would be much appreciated to help spread this awareness and make our or other communities less toxic. 

[poisonwonders]

                                              POISON IVY.

                                     pamela lillian isley. twenty six.

                                     biochemist / botanist / toxicologist.                                                          MOTHER NATURE.

                             i am not ruined. i am ruination.

okay so ------- ivy is mostly based on the PAMELA ISLEY we encounter in DC’s prime earth universe, but some influences are also drawn from new earth and DC rebirth. a lot is also just AU / headcanons.

BASICS: ivy is 26, currently working at a lab that works on researching different toxins & poisons. she did not die during the whole thanos ordeal.

obviously no one has to read all this because i got carried away as per usual ! i’ve labeled each section if there is something in particular u want to know ! c:

BACKGROUND.

domestic abuse cw, child abuse cw, parental death cw, murder cw:/

she grew up incredibly sheltered, hidden away from sight. her father locked her away and used threats and fear to force her to stay inside. he also made her believe that if she went outside, into the sun, she would burn. pamela wholeheartedly believed this, because she did have a rare skin condition that made her sensitive to sunlight.

so her mother home schooled her, and tried to protect her the best she could. it was never enough, for either of them.

ivy’s mother emptied her heart of sorrows and poured all her energy into her garden. as a result, it was a beautiful place, filled with carefully tended flowers from all over the world and meticulously trimmed fruit trees and bushes. pamela could see it from her window, and she spent most of her days looking through the blinds and daydreaming about what life outside might be like. she didn’t notice that her mother’s garden grew little by little, every time her father was sorry for yet another unforgivable, unspeakable thing that he had done. but how was pamela to know that her mother’s pain was measured in flowers? that the reason her father showered ( no, drowned ), her mother in the most expensive bouquets, flower arrangements and exotic plants - was to keep her quiet? buy her forgiveness.

every now and then when her father was away for work, her mother would let pamela out into the garden, just as dusk was setting. she’d bask in the day’s last ray of sunshine, taking in the feeling of warmth across her face, stinging her skin ever so lightly. she wouldn’t dare be out there for long. her fear of her father, combined with her fear of her skin igniting, made her careful.

but no matter how careful she and her mother were, disaster eventually struck when ivy was eleven. her father came home from a work trip early ------ and saw his ‘beloved’ daughter outside, flowers in her hair, pale cheeks rosy with laughter. that night, her mother was sent to the ER. she came home the next day, her skin stained black and blue. her mother pretended like nothing had happened, and instead immediately went out to her garden. it had grown, over night. slowly, but certainly, ivy began to see a pattern form. when her mother was trying to hide another bruise, the garden expanded, and a new vase of beautiful flowers stood on the kitchen table. she may have been young, but pamela finally understood that flowers could be used to manipulate, to destroy, to conquer.

but her mother didn’t stop - she refused to let her daughter be cooped up like a beautiful bird in a cage. so she continued to bring a young and frightened pamela outside. she spoke to her in a low voice, about how flowers bound this world together, how they were linked to its very core. she spun tales of girls just like pamela, with flowers in their hair, dancing underneath the starlight, transforming into fairies and witches and elves. she explained that her garden always listened, and if you spoke to flowers, and you kept very very quiet, they’d answer. so pamela was bewitched, and her daydreams of the magical garden continued. she’d sit perched in her bedroom window, her gaze fixed on the roses below, watching them sway in the wind.

daydream turned into yet another nightmare when she was twelve. she saw it all happen, from her window. she saw how her father dragged out a lifeless body, and began to dig up the roses that pamela & her mom loved so much. she saw how careless he was, how flowers were thrown aside, how he barely looked at his wife before tossing her into a hole beneath the garden that she had poured her soul into. now she became part of it.

it took a few weeks of ‘your mother has gone to live with her sister, who is very ill’, before the police came knocking. they took her father away, and a few months later, he was sentenced to a life term in prison. 

pamela’s aunt moved into her house and started taking care of pamela instead, and pamela’s life took a drastic change for the better. she was now allowed to go outside, received treatment for her skin condition, and was enrolled in a private school. all of ivy’s free time went to her mother’s garden. on some level, she thought that through her flowers, she’d be able to keep her mother alive.

end of cw.

COLLEGE YEARS / BECOMING POISON IVY.

teacher / student relationship cw, human experiments / testing cw, abuse cw, ptsd cw.

ivy enrolled in college with a double major - chemistry and botany. she excelled in her course and soon became one of her chemistry teachers’ favorite. they embarked on an erratic relationship, their power balance completely skewed, with a naive pamela completely lost in love, thinking she had met the one. she was willing to do anything to maintain that feeling. so when he asked her to steal some seeds from another lab? there was no way that she would say no. and so it continued - he asked her to steal, from museums, from labs, from botanical gardens.

eventually, he found what he was looking for, and her perfect dream turned into yet another nightmare. he locked her up and experimented on her, injected her with every biochemical poison imaginable, a little at a time. seeing how her body reacted, how she slowly became immune to his tests. how almost succumbing to their effect drove her a little bit mad. what he didn’t count on was that pamela’s body would take to more than the poison [ continued in power section ].

after pamela broke free of his prison, she killed him. no remorse. just anger.

she dropped out of college. accidentally killed her new boyfriend with a kiss, and decided to go on the run.

at first, she had some trouble controlling her powers. the first few months, she didn’t dare touch anyone. too afraid that her touch would be toxic, deadly, disastrous. but a new rage had been ignited within her, and it was a rage that would soon become everything she was afraid of.

what was really nice though was that the sun now made her stronger, instead of weakening her!!! cool cool cool

she had been controlled by men many times by now - with disastrous consequences. people wanted to make her feel like she had been ruined, that she was now rotten. pamela refused to be anything other than their ruination in return. she wanted to prove to herself that she was now in control, that she had the power over men.

suffers PTSD after everything she has been through. it sucks

so maybe she went on a murder spree or two, while on the run. what about it?

also became very involved in environmental activist groups!!! often went to protests and was heavily involved with several pro-environment groups and their leaderships.

eventually.... started taking things waaaaaay across the line of what could be considered decent. became involved with underground groups, and turned to crime as the only answer to get the justice that she thought that she, along with mother nature, deserved.

end of cw.

ASYLUM YEARS / ‘MOVING ON’.

was eventually caught while trying to take control of los angeles, by threatening to release lethal fungus into the town’s water supply, and equally as lethal spores into the air. she wanted them to meet her environmental demands. they refused, and she was eventually captured.

after that, she was deemed insane, and was sent to an asylum. 

eventually escaped, and returned to her ways of crime.

was caught again, and sent back to serve a year within the asylum’s wall.

decided to be smarter about it, and pretended that she was changed by her stay in the asylum. 

she found a job in new york, at a local lab that researched biochemical toxins. it’s rumored that ivy has created poisons capable of wiping out half of the earth’s population. at that, she just laughs.

CURRENTLY / MOTIVATIONS.

ivy has managed to keep her job at the lab. possibly because the boss is a questionable figure, himself. mostly interested in money. 

her motivation is to keep plants safe. she can feel every plant around her, and she can hear their pain. she communicates with them, and through them. they willfully do her bidding, and she can take control of any plant close enough to her. she is mother earth’s protector, first and foremost. any harm to her also hurts ivy.

working closely with both underground environmental groups and larger, public groups. her motivations never change. neither does her anger, or her ambition.

she will do ANYTHING to get what she wants.

pretty girls cloud her morals even further, we love a chaotic bi

PERSONALITY / CHARACTER TIDBITS.

murder cw.

that girl that’s always fucking running in high heels

loose morals? yeah

has her own very specific agenda and follows it religiously! 

mood swings? yes. sweet like sugar one minute, sour like venom the next.

can be so cold!!!! literally doesn’t care 98% of the time if it isn’t related to plants or someone she loves.

she’s in a bad mood? probably would be best to hide.

might hate humanity, but she loves children. can be so maternal! will always protect kids and take them under her wing.

has a really nice aesthetic! wears a lot of dungarees, wooden shoes, flowery patterns and pastel colors.

uses her sexuality as a weapon.

so so so smart !!!! 

kinda unstable, too? 

lowkey into the idea of sisterhood. will have girls’ back.

used to be super naive, now she’s more cynical :c

thinks that humanity ain’t shit ( except for her gf, who is The Shit )

lowkey just wants to live on a deserted island with her gfs and her plants but she can’t do that yet because !!!! people !!!!! keep !!!! fucking with her plants. and ivy is also of the belief that someone’s gotta keep this world pure. so that’s what she’s about, really. purity. a peaceful world where plants are safe from harm. by any means necessary.

end of cw.

POWERS.

IMMUNITY:

ivy is completely immune to all toxins + poisons and can also use them as weapons through her skin and lips. the natural oils that her body produce are also laced with biochemical toxins, so her mere touch can be lethal, if she wants it to be. she can also conjure up toxins and manipulate plants into becoming toxic. 

also possesses specialized toxins, such as truth serums & love potions.

MENTAL CONTROL OF PLANT LIFE:

ivy can control plants, completely and effortlessly. she can animate them to attack and ensnare her opponents. she can also create new plant hybrids and accelerate a plant’s growth and strength and size. if she has seeds with her, she can also grow new plants quickly.

ivy also has a very special relationship with plants, and treats them as her children and family members. they thus respond to her will and command.

she has also brought back formerly extinct plants to life !!!

she can also feel plants. what they’re feeling. she shares a deep telepathic bond with wildlife, and can communicate with all flowers, trees and other plants. 

she can hear through plants! if she focuses, she can eavesdrop on people through plants. super useful, really.

hmmmmm plants also act as her spies, a lot!

DURABILITY & STRENGTH:

all that poison and it just made her stronger!!!! really though, it’s the sun that makes her strong!!!

anyways she’s more agile than the average human and less prone to injury.

[govtplates]

Suicide Note

Mirror: paste.ee/p/iClXD

Please rehost on zeronet and substratum when they publish their hosting platform

Early Saturday morning, I killed myself with toxic gas. The last two years of my life have been a slow motion death sentence, and I’ve finally chosen to complete it on my own terms. I started planning this more than a month ago when I first realized that my last chance for survival had failed me. I’m mentally disabled, very ill and I was illegally fired from my last job as a dishwasher because of it six months ago. Since then, I’ve been fighting a discrimination case against the company through the Seattle Office for Civil Rights. A settlement from the result of that became my only chance to escape what’s destroyed my life, but SOCR failed me. It was agonizingly difficult and straining to get an investigator on my case, and then he quit a few weeks after opening it in February. Since then every employee I’ve dealt with from top to bottom has been dishonest and deceitful to me, after realizing that no one in the only organization with the ability to help me had any interest of actually helping me, I lost any hope of getting a new investigator in a time frame that’ll save me. I only got a new investigator last week, and by then it was far too late. If this got started when it should have, it would be wrapped up this month at the very latest.

Then, some days later I go notice that my rent is going up next month, which sealed my fate. For the last year I’ve had to depend on my parents, Ken and Jodi for bills after an unsuccessful job hunt after being laid off. They have abused me my entire life, always mentally and emotionally and sometimes physically. They’re delusional, sadistic, childishly vindictive, dangerously stupid, and terrifyingly negligent. In January they forced me into an agreement that conditioned their continued payment of my bills on me taking pharmaceutical medication from a psychiatrist. This is in virtue of their delusion that my mental illnesses are genetic and innate, not brought up from my environment and what’s done to me. I’ve had all of my DNA sequenced, which disproved any disposition to neural conditions early in life. This agreement wasn’t arrived at through discourse or negotiation, but out of nowhere they exploited my worst fears against me at my most vulnerable moment in order to renege on past agreements and strong arm me into lying about agreeing to their condition. A few psychiatrist meetings and a pharmacy visit later, it was relatively harmless but insanely stressful because of how impulsively aggressive my parents are. So my current fears aren’t precisely that their current condition is unachievable, it doesn’t hurt me to fill my cabinet with wasted pill bottles, despite the wasted money handed to big pharma that could go to help cover my basic needs. But they are absurdly dishonest people, they will never for even a second stay faithful to any agreement or negotiation. They hold the fact that they cover my bills over me to try to leverage me into more and more of their impulsive demands, they talk to me like I’m a pet dog and to this day it’s never stopped even though I’m 20. I’d need the settlement money to cover my life expenses until I could get back on my feet alone, given that relying on my parents is untenable and could be revoke any month now on their whim. They’ve always prospered from their privilege, idolized the rich and loathed the poor which is why they just don’t understand at all the poverty that they forced me into.

In late 2016, I moved back in with them after having to drop out of university and they promised to support me in moving back out to a new college somewhere to do whatever program I wanted. Then within days they did a reversal and said they’d only pay for me to get a Bachelor’s, claiming that it’s necessary for a job which is bullshit since nearly all degrees are useless, connections are all that matter. Then again just days later, another reversal and they said they wouldn’t support me living anywhere doing anything, not even staying at their home, with the cannabis that I needed for medical purposes. They were very clearly freestyling their parenting methods, with zero regard for my wellbeing and the pathetic notion that they could squeeze aspects of me that they disapproved of out with force, and I’ll eventually submit to their every whim after their force me through enough misery and suffering. It was at that point that I was forced out of their place, and living out of a suitcase I couch hopped until landing at this current house in December.

The cannabis has been medicinal since that summer two years ago for PTSD, I had been illegally detained (essentially kidnapped) and psychologically tortured at a mental institution for more than two weeks. I was the victim of multiple felonies committed by government officials and medical professionals, including perjury and malpractice to justify my detainment in what was basically a jail. It was aided and encouraged by my parents, my mom said the first night she had slept well in a while was after hearing that I had gotten locked up. The corporation that owns the Fairfax institution, United Health Services, has been under investigation by multiple federal agencies for years for longterm and widespread national fraud and abuse, scheming insurance to lock people up on false pretenses and abuse them under state sanctioned involuntary detainment. This has been covered by Rosalind Adams extensively in Buzzfeed, and it’s exactly what happened to me. I had excessive hubris and had ordered what I thought was acid from an onion market, it turned out to be 25i-NBOMe which is a very dangerous and toxic synthetic compound. I mistakenly tried some without testing and had a jarring trip, ending with inescapable paranoia and hallucinations that I had copped from a honeypot and the feds would be at my door in the morning, I panicked and thought suicide was my only way out so I chugged some rum and put back a handful of prozac, then promptly puked it all up. Clearly not premeditated and I quickly called 911, telling police everything because I couldn’t hide anything and I realized I needed help. Any young person that takes a FULL serotonin agonist without preparation absolutely needs gentle and attentive care to help them calm down and move on from the trip, because that shit throttles your neuron pathways and fucks with your chemical balances way more easily than most drugs. It is an absolute crime against my humanity that no one would be there to give me that, all it did was make me a perfect target for the UHS involuntary detainment insurance scam, basically farming the vulnerable and mentally ill to harvest money from while being tortured and held in a pseudo jail without any consent or due process. That arguably makes it worse than jail since aside from the massive corruption and inequality at the roots of the criminal justice system, there’s still the intention and supposition of fair and due process. The cops decided not to charge me with possession and I went to the ER while still super drunk and out of it. The staff at the hospital there didn’t wait at all to question me which I’m pretty certain was illegal, if they waited a few hours until I sobered up I would have told them succinctly the foolish mistakes I made and wouldn’t make again, and that I wasn’t in any danger to anyone. Instead the responses they got from me were drunken mumbling and incoherent partial words, which they used to justify me needing to be shipped off to an institution the next day. Once there I petitioned to be released as soon as possible but I was obstructed everywhere and I was diagnosed with “cannabis use disorder,” normally diagnosed with daily smokers for a decade but I had only been for six months, and they intended to treat it through psychological torture and abuse. It was insanely traumatic and I went on a hunger strike the whole time, only eating some very small snacks and drinking more than ten cups of tea a day. I had bought tickets to fly out and protest at the Democratic National Convention for Bernie, but I was locked up over that whole time and couldn’t follow what happened at all. Since I got out I’ve needed cannabis to cope with the PTSD from then. If I lived in a socialist country then these institutions would actually exist to help people and treat them, and I would have gotten help with the judgment issues that led to the drug mishap. Instead these institutions betrayed me and threw my life into a tailspin, all for some company’s profit.

And at the very least my parents should have stood up for me and done anything to help me from the predatory hospitals but they were completely on their side and took pleasure in my suffering. They have never let up this behavior pattern since, kicking me out on the street a few months later and then six months ago they trigged the incident which led to my former employer turning on me. Then in January they tried to have me murdered by bring cops banging down my door because they exaggerated and trumped up the risk that I was violent which was nonsense and something that I went out of my way to try to tell them. It is the police’s job to exterminate the mentally ill, and having someone lie that you’re a violent threat exponentiates the risk of being gunned down. I kept them from coming inside but they made a huge disturbance for more than an hour on a Saturday afternoon. If I wasn’t white, there would be no question they would have broken the door down and executed me. All of this was done under my parent’s greedy impulses and attempts to force me to become subservient, submissive and forget my long history of being abused by them. They should be given no condolences or extended any sympathy, they need to be criminally investigated and prosecuted for driving my life to its end.

After many traumas all at once last spring (being laid off, losing my partner and all of my friends, people encouraging me to kill myself, friendship with my landlord was ruined, returning to dependence on parents), compounded with my PTSD led me to develop more serious cognitive disabilities, what I suspect is brain damage from hypersecretion of glucocorticoids in the limbic system. I lost my ability to function in public, every friend I had lost patience with me and I was completely isolated while being squeezed all around into deeper poverty and despair. I started to improve in the fall and getting the dishwasher job gave me hope, since they promised to quickly promote me to higher kitchen positions and I expected to soon be able to cover rent again, finally becoming independent. But after the incident which is completely covered in my SOCR file, that did a complete 180 and my hope vanished, sending me back into unending despair and misery.

Dear Filippo Fiori: You had been the first person ever in my entire life to make me feel appreciated and valued. I worked my ass off cleaning every corner of that kitchen because you promised to promote and teach me so fast. Then you committed multiple crimes that set my death in motion, and tried to frame me as having always been incompetent to avoid blame which is far beyond unforgivable. Had I seen the investigation through its end, my plan was to demand at least twenty grand or bankrupt your restaurant, whichever came first. That would be the bare minimum punishment you deserve for your initial crimes, but now it’s up to someone else. I hope it was worth it to you, killing someone in the most vulnerable position because they’re mentally disabled. I did everything I could to warn and explain this all to you but you did what you did and here we are, you made the last six months of my short life miserable and agonizing all to defend a full grown middle aged man with only one year of managing experience.

Lawyers Nancy Chupp and Liza Burke both have my blood on their hands too, they both went out of their way to deliberately lie to me, waste my time and cause me serious damage that I wouldn’t even let them pay me to do. Every lawyer I’ve ever dealt with everywhere has been obstructive and malicious, I think it’s beyond vile how prevalent contempt against the most vulnerable and needing of help is.

To law enforcement: My linux machine is fully encrypted with a very long password, and even if you crack that, all that’s left is my book and media collection. I erased and sfill’d anything interesting so good luck trying to recover shit. If you crack my old laptop password, the only interesting things left on there are my unfinished film and media projects, as that’s all I’ve used it for in many years.

I’m not scared of dying because I’ve already met god, and I’ve discovered the deep truths of this existence. The universe is a hologram, at a subatomic level every single point in space contains a portal to the “implicate order,” or the universal consciousness. The explicate order we reside in is manifested by the ebb and flow of this united energy, at a frequency of planck time each electron enfolds and unfolds, perpetuating alternated spin states that present the illusion of movement and time progression we perceive. All of consciousness and our external reality are the same energy waves manifested and concentrated in different forms, the simulation is like a giant 4D film with a frame rate at the 44th degree of magnitude. We think that our external environment and its objects have physical permanence, while our thoughts in our head are imaginary neurochemical processes, but consciousness is a form of matter ultimately inseparable from anything “physical.” When a 30fps video is slowed down frame by frame, that’s sinking down one order in magnitude of playback speed. If we could do that with the linear time we exist in 44 times, we would reach the plane of existence from which everything that’s ever been and ever will be is conjured from.

To quote David Bohm, who pioneered this theory - “At the present, our whole thought process is telling us that we have to keep our attention here. You can’t cross the street, for example, if you don’t. But consciousness is always in the unlimited depth which is beyond space and time, in the subtler levels of the implicate order. Therefore, if you went deeply enough into the actual present, then maybe there’s no difference between this moment and the next. The idea would be that in the death experience you would get into that. Contact with eternity is in the present moment, but it is mediated by thought. It is a matter of attention.” This four-dimensional universe with linear temporality traps our minds from experiencing the full potential that can be harnessed through tapping into the universal energy, but throughout history those boundaries cosmically foisted upon us have been challenged through shamanism, entheogens, and spirituality in general. To quote Michael Talbot’s book Holographic Universe, “we are so thoroughly conditioned to believe that perceiving the future is not possible, our natural precognitive abilities have gone dormant. Like the superhuman strengths individuals display during life-threatening emergencies, they only spill over into our conscious minds during times of crisis – when someone near to us is about to die; when our children or some other loved one is in danger, and so on. That our “sophisticated” understanding of reality is responsible for our inability to both grasp and utilize the true nature of our relationship with time is evident in the fact that primitive cultures nearly always score better on ESP tests than so-called civilized cultures. Further evidence that we have relegated our innate precognitive abilities to the hinterlands of the unconscious can be found in the close association between premonitions and dreams. Studies show that from 60 to 68 percent of all precognitions occur during dreaming. We may have banished our ability to see the future from our conscious minds, but it is still very active in the deeper strata of our psyches.” (209)

Now we think of those in past eras as just stupid and bored from their lack of modern technology, and they only hallucinated and wrote religious tales to replace the forms of innovation valued post-industrialization. I posit this could not be less true, it is the rise and spread of modern education that has taught us to rid ourselves of our innate connection to the implicate order and awareness of the fluidity of reality.

I never really dream, either that or I’m never consciously aware of it. I suspect it’s from always having so many cannabinoids flowing through my brain putting me in too deep sleep to allow my conscious to travel to another reality. If there would have been precognitions in them, maybe it’s also because of my fear of the future and being too occupied with messes in the present to wonder what will come after. Instead I push my conscious to travel outside of this realm through entheogens, which is how I met god during a McKenna heroic dose of fungus. I traveled into a realm completely filled with moving and spiraling fractalized columns of light and waves of energy. I was taken on a tour throughout time and space, traveling between discombobulated and disjointed morphing spatiotemporal environments. Later I realized that I had been taken to the implicated realm from which all of this universe’s particles unfold out of, and some force was spinning me around and through this cosmic soup. I had been researching and studying all of this closely for many months beforehand but when I had everything that I supposed to be accurate about reality through holographic theory absolutely proven and validated just by eating a handful of things that had grown out of the ground in nature in my city, I became 100% certain of the validity in all of this. The amount of unfathomably unpredictable evidence that would be needed to safely and thoroughly disprove holographic theory makes it a practical impossibility, there’s so much otherwise unexplained that is resolved perfectly this way.

This also proves exactly why America has engaged in global psyops since Nixon to plant disinformation at the basis of societies about fabricated dangers of psychedelics and discourage its use through criminalization. The government has never actually been concerned about stopping people from taking drugs since everyone knows that is impossible to accomplish. The CIA has always been a fan of using acid when it can brainwash people and torture prisoners in more sadistic ways, and using cocaine when they can flood the streets of black communities with it, and creating cartels or black market trafficking ops when they achieve geopolitical results desired by the imperialist capitalist hegemony agenda.

Can you imagine what it would do to society if any adult could go to a mushroom dispensary and experience the same kind of reality-shattering and consciousness-expanding experience as I did whenever they wanted? I’ve read a lot of psilocybin trip reports and the majority of them include very similar things to what I experienced. They do not describe these phenomena holographically like I do, but I’m absolutely certain that it’s a universal experience that the same fungi allow anyone to travel to. It’s so tragic to me that most describe these as hallucinations, and the drugs as hallucinogens which of course restrains it as being unreal. But these alternate planes are much more real than our reality, and calling it a trip could not be more accurate as it is essentially traveling towards home, as in the origin of all of us and everything else. One’s consciousness, being energy waves in a different form than whats around it, exists in a spectrum between entirely localized in the brain and expanding radiating outwards to rejoin the cosmic energy. When low/mild doses of entheogens give one visuals that fill, surround and saturate the visual field, it is their consciousness beginning to expand outwards and begin moving towards the other end of the energy spectrum. Taking a large dose is more like god reaching a hand out of the sky and plucking their soul out of their body and tossing it out of this simulation. By god I don’t mean a singular or cohesive entity, but of the powerful forces manifested by the collective universal consciousness. We are subject to the supreme power of supernatural forces, but instead of a higher being it is the energy of all of us, all of us that have ever been and ever will. That’s why I use a lowercase g.

If these kind of spiritual awakenings happened on a massive scale, it would cause unheard of social unrest. Everything that holds up the capitalist order and necessitates global neoliberal capitalism would dissolve, so many people would become entirely different people, giving up hollow norms and starting to question the real purpose and meaning in what this life is. The rising of class consciousness and awareness of the cruelty manifested by capitalism, which only persists when it’s not questioned, will spell its certain demise. Nearly everything all of us are taught about how the world works is falsified and perpetuated by the minimally satisfactory life circumstances capitalism provides for most. When people are fed lies from birth, taught to be satisfied with a substandard life with the false hope that anyone can “succeed” in a free market (which is another fabrication), and discouraged from ever questioning why things are this way, that’s what allows cruelty to persist.

That’s why the most important thing for people to do is just QUESTION. Especially at a time when daring to ever question what our government says gets you immediately smeared as a puppet or useful idiot of some boogeyman. For most of my life I thought, as we’re all raised to, that communists are evil authoritarians and that it’s not something anyone takes seriously. But up until I shed my last trace of liberalism and beyond, I kept questioning everything and being skeptical, which led me on a path eventually ending at becoming a devout communist. Like many others I started being inspired about political change and social justice from Bernie’s campaign. During his speech at Safeco Field my volunteer job was to run up and down the line waiting outside before helping people, and the lines stretched block after block after block after block in every direction. And everyone was excited or cheering, that kind of mass enthusiasm about something so progressive made me genuinely optimistic about a radically improved future. Then I watched all of the rigging, interference and corruption by the democratic party and corporate media. I knew what was happening behind the scenes all along, but the wikileaks podesta emails of course proved it all. It was soon after that that my political involvement and aspirations were demolished when I was kidnapped during the DNC convention. For better or for worse I was not at all tuned into all the fuckery and media nonsense happening around late summer that year since obviously no internet in there. So after that I just kinda gave up on Bernie, started to move on and voted for Jill Stein. If only I had known I’d fallen victim to a disinformation campaign led by Putin to sow discord in the stable and perfectly equal American democracy!

I think I was one of the only people that was not at all surprised and completely indifferent on election night, going into it I knew there was a 50/50 chance and it could go either way dependent on a million unpredictable things. At least it was hilarious seeing the delusional liberal establishment having their hopes and fantasies of a continued neoliberal slow descent into corporate neofeudalism shattered. I honestly thought Trump was gonna get assassinated either before or soon after taking office, largely driven by my throwing up my hands and saying fuck it to any sense of an illusion of social stability. Yet at that point I suppose I didn’t fully understand the size, power and pervasiveness of the elites and the extent of their resources to which they protect their own and maintain control over what tragedies or shocking events are allowed to happen or unfold in different ways.

The very next day was the first time I ever heard the phrase fake news, and I immediately thought it was just something made up out of nowhere by the democrats to avoid blaming themselves for the loss. I was half right, it was a deliberate attempt by the clinton campaign to avert blame and feed into Russiagate, but what I also didn’t fully understand yet then was the pervasiveness of literal actual fake news in the entire news and media establishment. I mean Operation Mockingbird is real history and it never ended, the CIA has always controlled the media and had a hand in making everything pro-America and advantageous for the government’s agenda. Now there’s so many former intelligence directors as news “contributors” or “analysts” it’s never been more obvious. But since Russiagate has been such a successful psyop, liberals have revealed themselves as ultimately only wanting to serve the intelligence community and uphold capitalism. And such a huge portion of ex-intelligence spooks are running as democrats in the midterms this year, it’s absolutely insane! Talk about a slow coup of the supposed “left” in this country.

There is of course no actual leftist representation in the federal government as they’re diametrically opposed to each other. The actual political spectrum is between socialism/communism on the left and capitalism on the right, with social democrats in the center. Bernie is extremely radical compared to all of his peers but he is still a centrist, it’s just that this country has been constantly shifting rightward faster and faster pretty much throughout most of it’s history, so it allows liberals to pretend to be opposed to conservatives while actually not moving far enough to the left to actually be on a different side, this of course requires abandonment of any hope and admiration for capitalism which is something always taught to us as being of the utmost importance. Democrat president terms do not do anything to oppose this never ending move rightward, Carter, Clinton and Obama all did a ton to service and build up the military industrial complex, surveillance state, NATO aggression, and the tentacles of the secret mafia police known as the CIA. We’re now at the point of our society not being able to reach a consensus of opposition to Bloody Gina becoming its director, which would never be happening now if Obama ever bothered to do a single thing to punish the Bush torture regime. Does anyone even realize that since last February she’s been the fucking deputy director, the position right below, which Trump appointed her to without any need for confirmation, and no one in the media ever said a damn thing about it? Being the deputy director of an intelligence agency is clearly an important position, as McCabe was able to grift all these shitlibs out of more than half a million dollars over a lie about him being fired for being a liar. And even if Haspel had been kept away from any job with any amount of power this whole time, does anyone honestly think the CIA would avoid black ops torture programs without her? Yeah she is one of the biggest torture lovers around there, but would an agency that never hesitates to send out right wing extremist death squads to rape and pillage entire countries just as punishment for striving for independence from capitalist hegemony, ever hesitate to commit unthinkable atrocities if it’s even possibly remotely helpful for America, regardless of who’s directing the agency? The state of public discourse is so so so far behind anything remotely substantive and real that it’s hard to be anything but hopeless for the future, and that is absolutely a consequence of the neoliberal order which has dominated globally and continued to expand ever since the cold war.

The only hope for revolution, besides legalization of psychedelics, is capitalism’s built in self destruction. Anything always expanding, growing without regulation or concern for sustainability, zero concern for accountability and the wellbeing of the common man, will always be unsustainable and eventually crumble upon itself. As Lenin wrote in ‘Left-Wing’ Communism: An Infantile Disorder, “the fundamental law of revolution, which has been confirmed by all revolutions and especially by all three Russian revolutions in the twentieth century, is as follows: for a revolution to take place it is not enough for the exploited and oppressed masses to realise the impossibility of living in the old way, and demand changes; for a revolution to take place it is essential that the exploiters should not be able to live and rule in the old way. It is only when the ‘lower classes’ do not want to live in the wold way and the ‘upper classes’ cannot carry on in the old way that the revolution can triumph. Revolution is impossible without a nation-wide crisis (affecting both the exploited and exploiters). It follows that, for a revolution to take place, it is essential, first, that a majority of the workers (or at least a majority of the class-conscious, thinking and politically active workers) should fully realise that revolution is necessary, and that they should be prepared to die for it; second, that the ruling classes should be going through a government crisis, which draws even the most backward masses into politics, weakens the government, and makes it possible for the revolutionaries to rapidly overthrow it.”

I am gracious to have lived in the only area of the country, from what I understand, to have a socialist representing in local government – it is good that DSA members have been getting elected different places but I’m not counting them. But there’s still such massive problems facing Seattle brought by Amazon, such as hordes of rich liberals and neo nazis (less of a difference than most think) displacing so many families and making the prices of everything skyrocket, while stripping away the beautiful generations-old history of the city for lifeless, cold machinations of the corporate stranglehold smothering us all. And then when someone dares to request that that megacorp sucking the life out of everything around us pay some taxes so that the people that aren’t rich or white enough for a plush tech career might have a chance to find affordable housing, they all cry and moan about stifling the business community. It’s so toxic how the unending and unquestioned obsession with infinite growth is willingly upheld by capitalists, it’s absolutely untethered from the basic principles of reality. Not even talking about holograms and other realms, but how the laws of nature that we all know physically work on this planet. The “market” as an entity with agency is the biggest delusion of all within economics, stories like it’s invisible hand or that it always corrects itself are such obvious infantile fantasies. This unfortunately only becomes obvious when you lose motivation or ability to climb the ladders within capitalist structures, namely the poor and underprivileged and disadvantaged. These are things I only realized after being forced into long-term serious poverty and suffering from serious mental illnesses with zero support system or anyone anywhere with the ability or desire to actually help me. How could someone in my situation, having been through what I have, still be delusional enough to think that there’s hope for everyone and oppression is easily escapable? Having been exposed to the deep depths of cruelty life can throw you in, it freed me from having to make excuses for all of the suffering around the world. That’s one of the main cognitive dissonances ingrained into liberalism, awareness of how many people around the world are starving, in serious poverty, in a war torn country or exposed to natural disasters without aid, or victim of genocide or political violence, but all of that is so complicated and messy it’s easier to just focus on what affects you directly and pretend that all those people will find help eventually. The lie we’re all fed is that capitalism provides people with opportunity, but the reality is that on a large scale it robs people of opportunity, and whenever people try alternative systems aimed at providing for the common man, the CIA (Capitalist Insurgency Assholes) stops at nothing sabotage and suppress socialist movements through false flags, psyops, puppet dictators, agitprop, death squads and militias.

And of course business partner and close friend of the CIA being Bezos, who is undoubtedly feeding live audio streams of everyone with an IoT’s household conversations to Langley and/or Fort Meade. He has the fucking balls to say that the only responsible thing he can think to do with his billions upon billions in hoarded wealth grifted from the national taxpayer base is to burn it on fancy space fantasies for the ultra rich, but then halts expansion of new offices (as if destroying entire neighborhoods isn’t already enough) in order to feed the boot lickers eager to attack any taxes on businesses or the rich. They moan about taxes from the massive tax-cheating megacorp already crushing the city in order to support poor people is the worst thing ever, but how many of them know how many billions of taxpayer dollars the Pentagon has wasted and tossed away? How many people know that the money taken out of their paychecks goes to funding the worst genocide since WW2 in Yemen, the indiscriminate slaughter of Arabs in Gaza, and towards numerous Jihadist terrorist groups in Syria? I mean there’s been points in recent history where Pentagon-backed extremist militants were fighting CIA-backed extremist militants in Syria, money is being stolen from all of us without consent to fund the majority of the worst atrocities on the globe, we’re paying for Islamic terrorists to shoot each other with our guns. But how dare the evil socialists suggest that megacorporations that already evade all its taxes pay something to help the poor! And if anyone dares to say anything about this in public, then they must be a Putin puppet or Assad apologist.

So many people around here are so eager to brown-nose Bezos, who clearly has zero concern for the wellbeing of any of his workers or the communities he burns to the ground, I fear that in the coming decades, everyone will be mandated to live in cookie cutter Amazon micro-apartment buildings with mandated subcutaneous surveillance trackers. The tech workers and elites get the Prime luxury apartments, while the poor have to fight each other to the death for squatting rights in the dwindling number of tiny run down studios, and those are the only two classes. AI, AR, VR and robots will of course be taking over the vast majority of jobs in the near future, and as long as the means of production remain in the control of the elite, these new tech advancements will never ever even be considered to be put to use for solving mass poverty or ending wars or radical climate action or redistributing wealth, every hedge fund and investor will jump at the first opportunity to kick out all vulnerable and low wage workers and make shiny expensive fancy toys for corporate welfare queens. Because that’s the very purpose of capitalism, always make as much profit as possible and strive to eventually concentrate the entirety of global wealth in the hands of a few people. It’s not nearly enough to tax corporations like Amazon, there needs to be heads rolling in the street. Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk need to be executed for their crimes against humanity along with the rest of their ilk, and all these corporate structures need to be forcefully dissolved entirely. There will never be hope of reversing how fast we’re spiraling into unfathomably unsustainable inequality, mass human rights violations and inescapable oppression, unless the bastards leading us down that road feel the pain that they inflict on millions and millions of innocent people. I hope that the Seattle Times cartoonist is a clairvoyant instead of just a whiny dipshit, most of the absurd right-wing cartoons fear-mongering about democrats and libs being communists that are taking radical action could not be less accurate now but I hope are prophetic of the future.

Some things I can’t publish while living without being slandered as a Russian troll – In the same way that Iran Contra, MK Ultra and the JFK assassination have gone down in history as the intelligence operations of a past era, this era will have Russiagate, White Helmets and false flag gas attacks, Skripal, and the assassinations of BLM leaders as the intelligence ops of the time. This is all obvious to anyone that reads the news closely without corporate filters and can see the patterns of how the CIA and FBI have always covertly operated domestically and globally since their inception, in collaboration with MI6 and the Mossad. The state of Israel needs to be destroyed entirely, it was a mistake in the first place, has always enforced worse apartheid than in South Africa, and is an inspiring ethnostate. And their state-sponsored troll farms and disinformation campaigns along with the most advanced intelligence capabilities aimed with the only purpose of destabilizing the middle east and maintaining perpetual chaos. People are fucking stupid enough to think that some non-government affiliated click farm in St Petersburg posting puppy memes on facebook actually damaged our “democracy” but are completely blind to how nearly everyone in our government begs and grovels for the opportunity to pander to Israel, who’s covertly influencing so many internet and media narratives. It’s not an anti-semetic thing, Bibi loves anti-semites and to enable them because that’s what serves the Israeli geopolitical agenda. And there’s no proof at all to that Russian influence and sowing discord bullshit, literally every single story is hollow with nothing to back it up. It’s easy to believe what’s shoved down your throat by mainstream media, but when you actually look at it, it’s clear that Guccifer 2.0 is a multi-level fraud, a fictional identity created by the Crowdstrike CEOs as the solution for the Clinton campaign panicking about wikileaks teasing email dumps. Unintentionally meta, it’s like a matroyshka doll. On the outside, he’s a lone wolf somewhere in Europe. Then you look at the first layer of planted metadata and forensic info which points towards Russia, and everyone in the media immediately jumps to it having to be a Putin agent who very poorly tried to appear as a lone wolf. But every single piece of evidence tying Guccifer 2 to Russia was so shoddily tacked on to the documents, while genuine data indicating that the data had to have been locally transferred and was modified on the American east coast, plus the public timeline of relevant events makes it obvious that it was impossible to have come from a foreign “hack” and someone on the east coast is very obviously trying to frame this as someone in Russia who’s poorly trying to appear as a lone wolf. As far as I can tell, the recent story about Guccifer having logged “real” Russian IPs in social media sites has no technical hard evidence to support that. So the FBI and the CIA should put their cards on the table and reveal precisely where and what these Russian IP logs are. That’s the start of a long road of allegations and fake news stories that need to be revisited and given real, no bullshit evidence to support.

Many years ago, in late middle and early high school I was in a band that played mostly Muse covers, they were my favorite back then but I haven’t listened to any rock at all for years until very recently. I’ve been revisiting Muse’s catalog and remembered a song titled “Thoughts of a Dying Atheist.” That moment struck me as Jungian given the circumstances, hearing it for the first time a couple weeks ago since long before ever becoming suicidal, in a period when I loved it only for the music. The chorus goes “it scares the hell out of me, and the end is all I can see.” I have always been an atheist being it’s how I was raised, even though I’ve long abandoned nihilism and the foolish idea that there’s no form of genuine spirituality. Back when I was a Muse fan, even though I was no where near needing to fear death I would have agreed with the words by and large, as death is not something we’re raised to appreciate or assess in this society. Yet now in revisiting I feel rather proud since I’m not scared of death at all. Through spiritual awakenings mostly since last summer I’ve completely made peace with transitioning out of this plane. Having found a method and time frame where I can pass immediately without pain all on my own time and terms, I’ve taken care of every concern on this end of the journey. I can’t know what it will be like on the other side, but I am absolutely certain that the energy of my conscious will be returned to the universal order. Thus, the thoughts of this dying atheist are that even though the end is all I can see, it excites the hell out of me. It is only a transformation, all that will end is the torture and agony that has been foisted upon me in this existence.

“Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time, and all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.” - Macbeth (5.5.19-28)

Recently I’ve gone to the beach, ridden ferries and sought out large pools often because there’s nothing more calming to me than the meditation of staring off into the water. As Mandelbrot and fractal patterns are found throughout math, science and much of nature, I see the waves in large bodies of water as fractal-like too. No matter how closely you focus your gaze or how far you stare out into the horizon, the patterns of the waves appear to repeat inside and outside of each other at all magnitudes of size along the surface. And I feel an incredible energy from it, how the waves can appear calm and tranquil on the surface but you know deeper down, the entire moving masses of water carry enormous weight and power. The waves exponentially repeat themselves in all directions with simultaneous grace and massive force, reconciling contradictions and entire spectrums, what could be more emblematic of the beauty of the laws of nature? When I ask myself where I go after I die, I say that’s where, the water. I doubt I would and wouldn’t want to be reincarnated as water, but as my brain shuts off and my soul becomes non-localized and free, its essence will return into the entirety of nature, and I have never been more certain of that than anything in my life. Pharrell got it right, no one ever really dies because energy is never created or destroyed, and whats in all of our minds are just localized variants of the same energy that makes everything else around us.

My final work can be found at scribd.com/document/378259892 or anonfile.com/86C0raeeb1, I’m pulling a Kafka and leaving it unfinished

Did I truly live life, or simply ride the sands as they tumbled through the hour glass? Holding on the fine moments is like grasping water – always there, yet always slipping away. Lusting for more than we need, leading to the greed of acquisition and the gluttony of position. A future that feels far but all too close. One that could be sublime if we didn’t fall behind in the times from our refinement of the mind, the state of my people is altered but my faith is completely unfaltered. I’m reaching up and reaching out, to go where no one’s been. Spiral out, keep going

[blooblooded]

Travel Adventure pt 1

Quick 15 pages from tonight. Going to expand on Marty getting the gang out of prison. I just thought it would be funny if they evaded Smiles and his squad only to get dragged into jail by this fairy-tale era Colony.

I need to git gud at writing about groups :/ It’s hard to split my attention between everyone idk. I used to be better at writing than I am now and that’s kind of disheartening but right now I’m really engaging with the idea of making this story uhhh real.

##

It took 9 hours of driving for Tabby to reach the Territories after breaking through the gates. 9 hours of nonstop driving. She did not have directions-- after all, how could she? The Northern Territories were closed off from all the other Colonies. She followed the old roads and the instructions Marty had programed into the truck's GPS. It was easy going, though a few times they had to stop and clear debris from the long-abandoned roads. As epic journeys went, it was not as interesting as any of them imagined.

Kassidy was not aware of the majority of this trip. The fight against the four masked secret police agents and Cihad Tariq had taken most of her energy. She spent over 90 percent of the trip asleep in the truck bed. When she woke up, she found that there was blood trickling out of her nose again. The way that her body was quickly breaking down troubled her, but not as much as the way that she was losing consciousness did. She wiped her nose inconspicuously on the back of her sleeve to hide it, but then realized that meant she would have a blood stain on her favorite shirt.

Tabby, Casey, and Ayda sat up front to drive and guide, while the rest of them were relegated to the loser section in the back. Kassidy coughed and brushed her hair away from her face. Tony sat beside her, having some kind of internal freak out over Cihad, so she ignored him. Rosaline was on her other side, her body still monstrous from her transformation. She held Esther's awkward long-limbed self tightly in her arms, like Esther was the only thing that mattered. Esther, in obvious pain, cradled her right hand to her chest. It was mangled into an unrecognizable form from being crushed by the lead secret police agent's heavy boot.

They were all fucked.

Rosaline noticed that Kassidy was awake. She turned her broad, honest face, now made predatory and canine by whatever had been done to her. She still refused to talk about it. Her droopy brown eyes were now orange slits but did not take away her candidness. "You good?" she asked.

"Uh, yeah," said Kassidy, who did not look good at all. She knew that she had grown uglier-- a few years ago she wouldn't have believed that was even possible. Using the magic she gained from her brief relationship with Cihad's Book took energy from her that she did not have to give. It made her pale and gaunt, retaining water in her belly and her extremities like a corpse. Her acne was making a comeback and left open sores on her cheeks. She smelled foul no matter how many times she washed. But it was all worth it. She had always been ugly. She could deal with being a little uglier if it meant she wasn't useless. If she had not used blood magic during their fight against the secret police, then the pyrokinetic one would have fried all of them and the escape would have never happened. "Why?"

"I'm worried about you," Rosaline replied with the air of a person who did not have much room to talk. She rearranged Esther in her arms. Esther winced and groaned.

If they didn't get medical help soon, Esther was going to have two messed up mutant hands. Kassidy remembered that she was 3 years into a nursing degree and grimaced. She didn't have much confidence in that.

"Can I look at that?" Kassidy asked her, only because she was the only one with any medical experience.

"They'll have to amputate my hand to the elbow if you mess with it. No offense. When you practiced drawing blood on me you permanently paralyzed one of my nerves." said Esther, without even opening her eyes. Since her dress had been torn by the secret police freak, she had retrieved one of the sweaters she had packed. It was girly-pink and beautiful and looked like it had been purchased by her father. "I think that big guy smashed all of my fingers, I have to see a real doctor."

"If Marty's Colony even has doctors."

Esther opened her eyes in alarm. "Marty gets on the Internet, how can a place have Internet and not any doctors?"

Kassidy shrugged and coughed again. There was something wrong with her lungs and she probably needed to see a doctor as well. "I'm just saying. Everything he's told us about that place seems backwards to me. They have all their buildings above ground." She remembered that they were all above ground and felt momentary panic. All the grade school documentaries about the pollution and dangers of the outside world came flooding back to her. If there really was toxic pollution, mutant cannibals, and nonstop environmental disasters, they would be completely unprepared for it after a lifetime of living in an underground metropolis. Somehow Marty had survived 20 years, and he was a basement-dwelling mega nerd. Whatever skills he had, he would have to impart them to the Edenites quickly.

"Oh man, do you think we're breathing in radiation?" Rosaline put her clawed hands over her nose and mouth.

"Babe, even if we were, you've already grown fangs and back hair and stuff. You're basically a werewolf. What else could possibly happen to you?"

"I could get cancer, Esther!"

Listening to the couple lovingly bicker while wrapped in each others' arms irritated Kassidy. She looked over at Tony. His long black hair had come undone and hung down to his shoulders. He had his hands clutched to his chest like he was holding himself and stared directly in front of himself, focusing on nothing. His expression was blank but Kassidy could see from the way he held his jaw that his big fake teeth were clenched. She nudged him and he jumped.

She didn't think she would ever understand Tony Delmont. He had seemed OK with this plan, right up until the second they were stopped at the city gates and he saw Cihad barreling towards them. Now he was acting like their mission to Marty's Colony was doomed, even though he had been the one to propose it. He had...well, he had Seen something in Cihad's furious, terrified face and that information had changed him completely. Kassidy was almost afraid to ask him about it.

Almost, being the key word. Kassidy's social skills remained in the nearly nonexistent category. She nudged Tony again.

"Really?" asked Tony. He re-adjusted his eyepatch.

"Did that freak you out?"

"Did fighting off some super-powered government children while my psychotic ex frantically tried to stop me from leaving the city freak me out? Did the knowledge that I'll never be able to go home or see my daughter again without getting my ass thrown in prison forever freak me out? Am I freaked out because I found out that there's a demon out there that wants my body? What do you think?"

Kassidy decided to take a hard swerve around the family stuff. "Those weren't children."

Tony laughed humorlessly. He rubbed his stubble. "Yeah. I learn something new and horrible every day. Rosaline, you punched a 15 year old."

"Aw, don't tell me that," said Rosaline, whose face grew genuinely sad and upset. "No I didn't. Your eyeball was stressed out from seeing Tariq, you got your info all switched up. I would never hit a kid."

"There's no way that big guy who fought me was a teenager," said Esther. She had a good point. That guy had been huge and fought like he had been fighting for years. He fought so well that he didn't even use an Ability, unlike the pyrokinetic, the psychic, and the impossibly fast one.

"He wasn't, but two of them were, the little one and the psychic one." Tony shook his head. "It makes sense, doesn't it? All the missing kids."

He was talking conspiracy theories again. Then again, he had the right. After all, he had been the subject of one of the greatest tabloid conspiracy theories of the last 3 years. Even now, even knowing him and his story, Kassidy couldn't feel entirely sure that he wasn't responsible for the grisly death of his pregnant wife. What kind of innocent man runs away to hide in the sewers like that? He remained cagey about the thing that had made him run and Cihad's involvement in all of it only brought up more questions.

Well, even if Tony was a murderer, he wasn't a very scary one. He was more like a depressed uncle.

The truck ran over something with a loud crack and jostled everyone in the back. The brakes squealed as the vehicle rolled to a clumsy stop. Esther yelped in pain because she bumped her hand, which made Rosaline instinctively wrap her big arms around her, hurting Esther's hand again in the process. The little porthole that connected the truck bed to the front seats slid open and Casey poked her head through it. The giant sunglasses she wore made her look like a bug. She wrinkled her nose.

"It smells like farts back here," she said. "Have you people been marinating in this the whole time?"

"What's happening?" demanded Esther.

Casey shrugged. "Truck won't move."

"Why won't it move?"

Casey slid the sunglasses down the bridge of her nose so that she could give Esther a cheeky look. Her dark brown skin was covered in a sheen of sweat that had melted her eyeshadow, making her look like a brightly colored raccoon. "Judging from the way we just bounced 5 inches into the air, I would say we hit something. But I really couldn't tell you, since it's been all of one minute. Tabby got out to risk life and--well, life and limb but I mean limb in the singular sense-- to check it out." She briefly gave Kassidy a once over. "You're finally awake I see, sleeping beauty. I was starting to think you were dead."

Sleeping beauty. It really got on Kassidy's nerves when Agapama made fun of her like that.

"You guys are going to flip when you see what it looks like out here," Casey continued. "It's like what you see in all the holo-vids, but crazier. I never thought anything could be so big and empty. There's trees like you would not believe, way bigger than anything growing in the glass gardens. A while back we drove through I guess a cloud of small insects and they got splattered on the windshield. And the moon! You all missed seeing the moon and all the stars, I watched them move across the sky and disappear. Before the sun came up, the sky went pink and purple. I don't think I've ever seen something so beautiful." She was being sincere because she didn't add anything about how she was beautiful. The world out there must be really something.

From up in the front seats, Ayda said something unintelligible and Casey pulled her head out of the little window to reply to her. Since they were not moving, Tony stood up and stretched his scrawny legs. He paced around a few times anxiously, but the truck bed was only about as big as a king size bed and most of the space was taken up by the luggage, so he did not have enough room to get his nervous energy out. Whatever Tony had Seen had really shaken him up. He touched his hair, realizing for the first time that it had fallen from its bun. He put his hands in his pockets to search for a hairband, came up with nothing, and sighed.

Kassidy had an extra one on her wrist. She took it off and wordlessly handed it to Tony, who nodded at her and put his hair back up.

Casey stuck her head back through the truck bed. "Good news-- Ayda's portable has a signal again. We're close."

"You mean we've been driving around without Marty to guide us?" asked Rosaline.

"No signal. I don't know, there were mountains and shit in the way. It's not like that boy actually knows geography, he was working off maps that were made 200 years ago from before the blockade combined with smuggler shit from the darknet."

"Your dad's a smuggler, Case."

"Yeah, not to the Northern Territories. No money in that shit."

Suddenly, the truck door swung open. The unexpected bright light that poured in from the outside made everyone flinch, and Esther scream. It was a light unlike any that Kassidy had ever seen, even on the Upper Levels. In Eden, the lights on the ceilings of every District only mimicked sunlight, and compared to the real thing it was a pale imitation at that. Kassidy squinted and put her hands up in front of her face. No wonder everyone up front needed protective lenses. It made her feel exposed and overwhelmed and it hurt her. Rosaline's mutation allowed her to adjust to the light instantly, her pupils narrowing to tiny slits the same way that a cat's does. Esther seemed to be in pain because she did not have her eyes open at all-- probably an Artificial thing. Tony did not react.

Tabby crawled up into the truck and squatted there with one of her elbows resting on her knees, holding something in her metal hand. Her lenses were not big and stylish like Casey's--  it seemed as if she was wearing a mechanic's goggles. She had a scarf wrapped around the bottom half of her face and a baseball cap hiding her salt and pepper crew-cut. She pulled down the scarf. "Bad news kiddos," she said raspily. "We're fucked." She held out her hand to show them a long chain with inch long metal spikes poking out of it at even intervals.

"Was that on the road?" asked Rosaline. "Did someone put that there?"

"Yup." Tabby discarded the device. "Caltrop. Knocked out all four tires."

"What?!" exclaimed Casey. She pulled her head away from the window, presumably to leave the truck and see for herself. She said something Ayda before getting out and slamming one of the doors.

"Do we have any spares?" Esther still could not open her eyes. For all her alleged genetic superiority, she really was worthless most of the time.

"Yeah. One. A whole lot of good that's going to do us."

Tony sighed and got out of the truck-- probably to properly stretch his legs rather than to help. It had become clear that he did not like to be in confined spaces. Kassidy followed him, leaving Rosaline and Esther behind.

When she got her first look at the outside world, she couldn't help but freeze stupidly.

The road ran between two sandy rock formations, both over 3 meters high. Centuries ago, when the road was being made, someone must have had to hew through the middle of the rocks with tools and dynamite. Huge evergreen trees grew thick together around these formations, taller than any tree Kassidy had ever seen. So much green in one place seemed like an impossibility, especially when juxtaposed against the blue of the sky. There were other rock formations here and there but apart from them, the land was flat. It went on forever: trees as far as the horizon. The fresh air was cool and crisp, cooler than the temperatures ever reached in Eden. Casey was right. It was beautiful. She had not realized that the world was so big. It made her feel tiny.

The truck's tires were shredded. Kassidy did not know much about vehicles but she could see that. The prospect of walking the rest of the way to Marty was not a pleasant one in her mind. Something in the woods made a weird sound and she glanced around, on the lookout for mutant cannibals.

"It was a bird," said Tony.

"Oh." Birds made more than one noise? She had a lot to learn about nature.

Casey bounded over to them, seemingly unperturbed by the sights and sounds of the outside world. She already had her glasses pushed up on top of her head like a headband. As with everything else, she adapted unnaturally fast. Her face was not eager or curious, simply focused on the situation at hand. She noticed that Kassidy was having a difficult time in the sunlight and took her sunglasses off to put them on Kassidy’s head.

“So how do we fix the tires?” she asked. She bounced up and down on the balls of her feet. Being cooped up for hours on end was not good for Casey. “You have something to fix the tires, right, Delmont?”

Tabby crossed her wiry arms. “What do I look like to you?”

“Like somebody I assumed was competent up until this very moment, I don’t know.” She was a pragmatist, but lacked realism. Spoiled people always do. Casey had never wanted for anything in her life, it was like she always expected a material solution to be right in front of her. She watched as Tony got down on his hands and knees to inspect the caltrops that had been laid down across the road. “Maybe I’ll get a new favorite Delmont twin this afternoon though. What are you figuring out down there, old man?”

Tony ignored her, the way that he usually did. He pulled up one of the lengths of metal chain and held it in his hands.

As she watched him, Kassidy felt an uncomfortable twisting in her stomach. She had not eaten in nearly a day so she figured it was simply hunger. But the strange thoughts and feelings she was developing when she was around Tony had started to worry her. Now that she was no longer in possession of the Book, she thought that they would fade away. That was the source of all this, wasn’t it? Even though she still used blood magic when she had to, she was no longer in proximity of the real darkness-- whatever it was. There were times that she did not feel like herself. It was like she was running a fever at all times and certain things she did or said were part of that haze. She could not remember everything and most of the time she felt sick.

It was worth it though. She did not want to be a worthless person. Everyone made sacrifices, this was just hers.

She breathed in the clean air. It smelled a little funny and plant-like. If she had to describe it, Kassidy would have called it ‘green’. Totally unlike the recycled air in Eden. That alone was worth it.

Soon they would be in the Northern Territories with Marty. They would all be safe and would have time to figure out their next steps when it came to Eden.

At length, Tony discarded the metal chains. He looked up, his expression mild and resigned. “Does Ayda have Marty on her comm right now?” he asked in the voice of a man who has something terrible to reveal but finds it almost funny. He dusted his hands off and stood up. His knees popped audibly and he winced.

“AYDA!” Casey yelled. She was loud enough to scare a couple of birds in a nearby tree into flying away. Tabby smacked her, saying ‘shhh’, which made Casey attempt to grab one of Tabby’s metal fingers and pull it off. Her impulses to be loud and violent trumped her good sense.

Ayda got out of the truck and gingerly walked to the back where everybody else was. She picked up her feet with each step like the dirt underneath was the worst thing she had ever encountered. Unlike everyone else, she did not seem interested or awed by the nature around her. She seemed disgusted. A small insect flew near her face and she swatted it with both her hands and squealed in distress. Her lips were twisted and her nostrils were flared.

She adjusted her own sunglasses and pulled the edges of her headscarf closer to her face as if that would keep the sunlight away from her. “What?” she asked unpleasantly. Habitually she held her right forearm close to her head, since she was in constant communication with Marty. “Did you fix it? We’re almost there, we need to keep driving.”

“Yes. I magically fixed all four tires in 10 minutes,” Tabby snapped, rolling her eyes. Ayda was even worse than Casey because she lacked realism.

“Does Marty know where we are?” asked Tony from behind clenched teeth.

“You’re at the border of a Territory called Kamenka, just beyond the Valley and the Hinterlands,” came Marty’s funny, accented voice from Ayda’s comm device. She held out her wrist so that the rest of them could hear him better and so that they could see the small blue holo-projection of his face. Even as a projection he had a difficult time making eye-contact. “It’s an hour away from the Capitol City where I live. What’s wrong, could you not fix the tires?”

“Border, huh?” said Tony. He pointed down at the metal caltrops that had destroyed the tires. Ayda moved her comm so that its little screen was facing the ground, so that Marty could see the tires as well. “You mean a border in a strategic location that might be defended by a military outpost?”

Marty stared at the caltrops for a second blankly. “Uhhhhh,” he said, and his face disappeared.

“Marty!” Ayda said shrilly.

“Marty?” repeated Casey, realization dawning on her face. She looked around sharply, her clever brown eyes taking inventory of their strange new environment. It was clear that she was out of her element, after years of living and fighting in a densely populated brutalist city. The rock formations on either side of the road were vantage points for potential enemies. The thick evergreen trees provided cover that she could not possibly keep tabs on. “Kassidy, get back in the truck.”

Kassidy did not get back in the truck, and felt insulted at being ordered to do so. She also looked around but could not sense anything dangerous. Then again, she had never been so good at that. When she was a kid she had walked straight into every trap Kip had ever left for her.

“Is everything OK out there?” called Rosaline. She didn’t get an answer but did not leave the back of the truck. To her, staying with her injured girlfriend was more of a priority than being aware of the situation at hand.

In the distance-- or perhaps nearby, it was impossible to tell out there in the open among all the rocks and trees-- was the unmistakable sound of an engine. Or engines.

Even if they could run away, it would not be successful. None of them knew how to survive in the wilderness. They didn’t have weapons or supplies for such a thing. Kassidy’s stomach flipped like she was about to throw up and then it twisted as the terrible thing that had made a home inside of her grew aware. It was almost like anxiety, except more painful. It seemed to push up and out of her and she knew that was her new body’s way of preparing itself for what it thought was another fight.

She didn’t want to use blood magic again so soon. Fighting off the pyrokinetic had knocked her out for the entire day. She couldn’t afford to have that happen again, but if it came down to it, she didn’t have a choice.

Tony laughed quietly to himself and Tabby gave him a dirty look.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” said Marty over Ayda’s comm. His face popped back up on the holo-projector. “Bad news, you guys are about to get arrested. It’s OK, just don’t resist and they’ll take you to the city instead of shooting you.”

“Marty, you little bastard!” exclaimed Casey, grabbing Ayda’s wrist so she could move her face close to the projection in an attempt to threaten Marty long-distance. “You said everything was good on your end. You didn’t say anything about-- about police officers that pop out of the forest!”

Marty’s projection was shiny like he was sweating in real life. “Well, we actually don’t have police officers, everything is run by the military since the coup 12 years ago--”

“That’s worse!!”

Kassidy’s nose started to bleed again. She wiped it once more on her sleeve and didn’t call attention to herself. She felt faint and her vision was blurry; suddenly she wished she had eaten something before they left. Only Tony seemed to notice amidst all the ire towards Marty. He stared at her with his one wide blue eye and she could only wonder what he Saw. She kept wanting to ask him, but ever since the first incident with Cihad he had been acting like a skittish animal. Somewhere along the line he had stopped trusting her.

The engines roared closer. They didn’t sound like a train, nor did they sound like a truck. So much smaller. Were there other types of vehicles that people used out here in the world?

“Kid, I’m real disappointed in you,” Tabby growled toward the Marty-projection. She kept looking past the truck, down the road where the engines were coming from. Tabby did not have a weapon-- none of them did except perhaps Casey who was never without a knife-- and her fists were not clenched, but she seemed ready to spring into action at any moment. “All my life I’ve been dodging prison in my own Colony, so if I get chucked into some military cell in your backwoods operation out here I’m never going to forget it.”

“I said you don’t need to worry! I’m taking care of it!

“You’re a 20 year old with no job, how are you going to take care of it?” Tabby noticed Tony spacing out and staring at Kassidy and she gave him a little push to snap out of it. Her brother blinked and re-focused himself.

Kassidy wiped more blood from her nose, using her index finger. Almost unconsciously, she pushed up one of her sleeves and drew a small circular symbol on her wrist using the blood. She did not know why. She did not know what it meant. It was like her body was acting of its own accord and she was trapped there, watching. It did not distress her even though she normally wanted to be in control. The skin of her wrist grew unnaturally cold beneath the blood. Her vision got blurrier.

“I’m going to kill you, Marty.” Casey said into Ayda’s comm, but keeping her eyes on the road beyond the truck. “You idiot. You nimrod.”

“Will you people calm down so I can contact a guy I know??” Marty’s voice squeaked when he spoke; it was obvious he was forcing himself to sound calmer than he really was. “This isn’t that serious, I’ve been held up at military checkpoints more times than I can count! I’m taking care of it!”

But it was too late. Eight 4-wheeled vehicles drove out from either side of the truck, squeezing between it and the rock formations on either side in order to form a tight semi-circle. The vehicles were far smaller than the truck and did not have roofs or windows. Their wheels were larger and hardier than the ones on the truck, suited for all forms of terrain. A few of them were trailed by sturdy little carts. All of them were driven by young men in blue military uniforms who had large firearms strapped to their backs and long bladed weapons at their sides.

For a second, all the Edenites could do was gawk at how foreign these strangers were. Their uniforms were made in a style that seemed straight out of a fairytale, with brass buttons and everything-- but the body armor they wore over it was more suited for the secret police. Most of these soldiers wore their hair long or tied back. Their eyes were very cold and fierce, and their faces were unsurprised even though it was unlikely any of them had encountered such strange and brightly colored people.

One of the soldiers dismounted his all-terrain vehicle and took his rifle from his back. He aimed it at Tony, despite the fact that Tony was visibly not a threat. The simple silver epaulets on the shoulder of his uniform marked some kind of higher rank than the others. He barked something in a strange, harsh language.

“Marty, this guy is pointing a gun at us!” Ayda wailed into her comm.

“He said put your fucking hands up!” said Marty, whose holo-projection showed that he was not focused on the situation at all. He was holding another communication device and typed on it furiously. “Do you want to get shot, Ayda? Put your hands up!”

They all put their hands up. A few of the soldiers came around to the truck and pulled Esther and Rosaline out of it, then pushed them over to the others so that they were all in a big group. Esther had a hard time keeping both her hands up, she winced with the effort of extending her mangled right hand and she winced at the brutality of the sunlight. Rosaline literally bristled when they manhandled her girlfriend.

The soldier who was in charge did not take his gun away from Tony. He looked Tabby up and down once as if assessing her, and his eyes lingered on her metal prosthetic. But he did not seem to consider her or any of the girls a threat. He gave his men another order.

The blood symbol on Kassidy’s wrist burned now. She had her skinny arms stretched up above her head to seem inoffensive to the soldiers, and her sleeve began to slip down. The skin of her wrist was turning purple and yellow in the way that an old bruise does. From far away she wondered what the mark meant and what had possessed her to put it on her body. But these thoughts were pushed from her mind like memories from a dream. They were gone before she could even comprehend them.

Several soldiers began to pat the girls down. They did it more gently and respectfully than the hyper-violent secret police had, and a couple of them even blushed as if they did not feel comfortable doing so. One of them pulled 3 knives from Casey’s possession. Another took Ayda’s comm. When he did so, Marty began to jabber in his own musical, nasally language, which was different than the soldiers’. The soldier made a face, rolled his eyes, and turned the device off.

“English, huh?” asked the one with the rifle and the epaulets. He was younger than any of them, with only the beginnings of a mustache growing on his upper lip. “Where are your people come from? Why are you been in contact with a boy from our Valley?” He spoke to Tony, who was absolutely not the group’s spokesperson or leader. Tony looked like he was going to melt. They had frisked him more intensely than the others and he was concerned with re-adjusting his sweater and his pants.

“We’re from Eden!” said Rosaline.

“Girl, shut up!” hissed Casey.

The soldier-boy rested the butt of his rifle on the ground. He looked at Rosaline and Casey uneasily. “No word from Eden since the established Monarchy,” he said in his broken yet passable English. “Two hundred and thirty years. You people are spies, huh?”

“We aren’t spies,” said Tabby, who was the best smooth-talker out of any of them. It was dubious that her skills would work on someone who spoke English as a 2nd or 3rd language though. She put out her hands in a sleazy, charming manner and smiled. Tabby’s face was as sharp and angular as a hatchet and when she smiled she looked like a shark.  “We’re refugees. We’re escaping some bad people who want to do us harm. Take us to whoever’s in charge and we’ll explain in full, but we ask for safe passage through your land.”

The 8 soldiers spoke to one another. A couple of them laughed. They put away their weapons like they didn’t have anything to worry about-- and they probably didn’t. Unlike the group of 8 hours ago, none of them had any fight left. Especially not against machine guns.

Kassidy began to feel faint. Her vision continued to fog over and her wrist burned painfully. She could not hold her arms up any longer so she brought them down to her sides. She couldn’t think straight, like she was the star of a film that was playing backwards. Beside her, Esther grew concerned and nudged her with her hip.

“What’s wrong?” she whispered. It seemed like she was talking through several filters, distorted and far away.

“I think I’m hungry,” lied Kassidy, swaying on her feet.

“Shut up!” Casey said again, glaring at them. “Do you want these guys to shoot us?”

They weren’t going to shoot. It looked like the young men thought the group was more of a joke than a threat. One of them pointed at Casey’s purple hair, said something to his buddies, and then laughed. They were all in their very early twenties. Even in Kassidy’s fog, it made her think about what Tony had said about the secret police being teenagers. Was that what soldiers really were? Overgrown kids? What was the difference between soldiers and cops?

Wait, the difference between soldiers and cops was the level of lethal force they were legally allowed to use. Especially when it came to martial law which, as luck would have it, the Northern Territories had been operating under for the past 12 years. Kassidy remembered all the things Marty had mentioned about the history of his Colony-- things that she had brushed off as unimportant. He had gone to real life executions and shit, he had seen people get lined up against the wall to be shot in the head.

Scratch that. She had seen that too, once. On TV. Kassidy quickly re-repressed that terrible last memory of her brother.

Ayda was crying; whether she was frightened or she was upset that her precious technology had been taken away was anyone’s guess. Kassidy felt tears prick her eyes and she blinked them away. A few of the soldiers had tears well up as well and their stances grew suspicious, they looked at Ayda and put their hands on their weapons once more. The link between her display of emotions and the uncomfortable way it affected others did not take a genius to see.

“You don’t have to worry about us, friends,” said Tabby with all the confidence of an underworld scam artist. “Just a group of peaceful refugees who want to speak to your leader.”

The soldier-boy smiled back at Tabby with confidence that matched. “Yes, spies,” he replied mildly. “Let us just take you all back to speak to the Prime Minister without vetting you at all. You all just skip speaking to any of the council, skip speaking to the Field Marshal. Yes, that is how it works here in the Northern Territories. We care for outsiders so much here.” His comrades snickered.

“Is that guy being sarcastic?” whispered Rosaline.

“No, sarcasm doesn’t exist outside of Eden,” Tabby replied sarcastically.

Tony sighed audibly. Ayda kept crying in the pretty, sniffy way she did. The encounter was turning into more of an embarrassment than a dangerous situation. When compared to the encounter with the secret police, it was almost pleasant. But underneath was a current of bored viciousness. These were the type of young men who killed things for sport.

Something inside of Kassidy knew that they were in danger. She sensed it from far away. She sensed it sensing but did not have the intellectual power to understand. The mark on her wrist drew from her life-force. Perhaps it was protecting her in some way, perhaps it was doing something else. She did not fight it. She trusted it to make the right choice.

That’s what people who suddenly gained great and mysterious power did in stories, didn’t they? They trusted it. Kassidy trusted the power that was making her weak and tired and smell like rotting meat because she had no other choice.

The blood magic symbol on her wrist burned like it was about to do something, and it did. Just not what she thought it would.

Kassidy passed out.

#

When Kassidy regained consciousness, she was in a different place entirely. It was something she was getting used to, along with the disturbing gaps in her memory. She rubbed her eyes, cracked the bones in her back, and felt much better than she had in the last week.

She, her friends, and the Delmont twins were all crowded together in a medium size holding cell. It was not the kind of jail cell that Eden utilized-- all white and windowless and cramped to prevent movement or stimulation. It was like something out of a fairy tale. The walls were built up from gray stones and there was one window with iron bars over it. The door was heavy looking, made of wood. The floor was also made of wooden slats. It seemed luxurious to a girl who had never seen so much wood in her life, up until she remembered that now they were in a place that was surrounded by trees.

Her mother had always warned her that she’d end up in a cell. She just didn’t think it would be like this...

She sat on the floor beside Esther and Rosaline. Esther had an unfamiliar blanket draped around her broad shoulders. No, not a blanket, the skin of some huge animal. The first thing that Kassidy did was reach out and pet the fur. Her sleeve rode up when she did so and she noticed that the mark she had drawn earlier was now just an ugly bruise with a crust of blood at the sides.

“Was I out long?” Kassidy picked out a couple brown hairs on the pelt. “Rosie, did you carry me?”

Esther and Rosaline looked at her like she had grown a second head. “Huh?” said Rosaline, who had one of her big muscular arms around Esther. “What are you talking about?”

“When I fainted by the truck.”

Esther still cradled her injured hand. All the fresh air was affecting her negatively. Her nose was red and she sniffled every couple of seconds to keep it from running. “You got frog-marched here like the rest of us.”

Kassidy noticed that her little black clogs were covered in mud. That shut her up immediately. Another disturbing lack of memory. How long had it been this time? 20 minutes? More? What purpose could knocking her out and hijacking her body possibly have?

She pushed all those worries aside because there were larger issues at hand. She did not want everyone looking at her like she was a freak again. Especially not Tony. She missed the way he used to...trust her.

[thebuffalohuman-blog]

Mount Hood: Cultural Sensitivity, The Ancestors & Knowing One’s Place

I recently made several journeys to Mount Hood. I went for two main reasons; the escape the bustling, loud and mundane life of the city and to enter sacred space, to heal and build myself after my trials in the city. I was never disappointed.

My first time, I took the trip via public transportation and because of a schedule misjudgment, it took almost 6 hours. Regardless, I still arrived with plenty of sunshine and time to have wonderful experiences.

On the trip up there, I had an interesting conversation with this man who was a foreman at a steel casting factory and told me all these cool stories about casting metal. It was interesting to me, this man’s passion for his work, even though he lived basically a “worker-bee” type of existence (has a house, kids, one grandkid, makes his life from residual checks from an event that disabled him, though he admits he has full capability to work now...)

To each their own. It’s not my place to judge.

Finally, I take the timberline express up there and I’m impressed by a few things.

1) The houses on the roadside are fucking incredible cabin-like retreats, hidden behind pine and spruce groves and windy dirt roads. Hidden sheds with animal skulls hanging off them. Really fascinating stuff. I hope that I get to own a house someday. With my current student loan situation, it looks as if that may never be a possibility. I guess we can hope, right?

2) The homogeneity of the people riding the bus. Literally everyone is white, has $500+ mountain bikes, wears expensive “mountain bike” clothes with expensive helmets and fancy gear and how many times I could hear them mentioning the hiker who got lost up there the week before. It’s almost as if I were tuned into the local news channel via their voices.

Alright, so I get off the timberline express at the ski lodge and start walking up and down the road, figuring out where I wanted to go. I ended up walking behind the hotel and calling my friend who knows the area. His suggestion didn’t help, but I did discover a hidden little grove of a few spruce and pines with a tiny circle of a plant that resembled the May Apples from back home. (BTW May apples are one of the coolest fucking plants ever. Every single part of the plant is deadly toxic except for the ripened, yellow fruit! The seeds are poisonous as well. Be careful! May apple colonies mostly grow in concentric circles. Every year or two, another layer is added to the outside of the circle. They are also known as American Mandrakes, though they are not botanically related to the famous European Mandrakes of Mythical Magic. It’s honestly too bad they don’t grow in the West. I’m not sure what this plant was.)

So, I find myself a nice fucking stream, way off the path and just camp myself there. I think I sit by that stream for 5 hours, absorbing the moss and the water and the bugs and processing the grief and trauma leftover from my forced relation to Portland and my recent breakup that I hadn’t had time to process.

For those of you who don’t know, in July of 2018, within two week span, I was assaulted in my own home with a baseball bat twice by my mother’s not-quite boyfriend, Gay* (I left the second time after diplomacy didn’t work, the police refused to help me and I didn’t want to get out my rifle), my van’s front wheel fell off while I was driving it, consequentially totaling it, my buddy who had plans to move with me to Portland in less than a month backed out of the trip without any warning,  my girlfriend whom I loved very much left me and someone tried to rape me. All of a sudden, I had nothing and my entire life was in shambles. I took what money I had left, bought a ticket to Portland and started over with $700 in my pocket. (In this time, I am very grateful for my brilliant friend, Red who held so much space for me and held me when I felt so lost and alone. Seriously, I don’t know what that traumatic time would have looked like without you and the support of a few other people who kept me going and safe during that time.)

So, after I’m done processing what I can of that, I’m waiting for the Timberline Express down the mountain and the Ranger tells me that it would probably be quicker and easier to hitchhike down the mountain and that riders where often quite willing to give a traveler a lift.

So, I stand out there with my didgeridoo and eventually this older woman pulls over in a beat up old stick-shift Nissan Pickup with a SUPER chill dog in a cage in the back, asks me where I’m going and tells me to throw my stuff in the back. I tell her I’m going to the Sandy Bus stop. She tells me that she can’t bring me that far, but she’ll bring me somewhere it’ll be a better wait. I tell her that I have no idea where I’m going and that it’s all on her where she drops me off.

Okay, so I get in and here’s where things start getting deep. To break the initial silence, I start asking her questions about herself. The dialogue went like this:

Me: What’s your name?

Her: *silence*

Me: I’m James.

----I don’t tell her that I prefer to be called Buffalo. Doesn’t seem right... Obviously  her name didn’t matter to her)----

Me: Where are you from?

Her: *in an irritated manner* Oh man! Isn’t that obvious?

Me: *taken aback* You’re right. I thought it was right to ask...

----Obviously she’s Native, given her physical features and the direction from which she came (Government Camp, the Reservation))---

*silence*

Me: Well, how are you doing? Did you have anything cool happen to you today?

Her: *gruffly* Why do you care?

Me: I reckon it’s right to care about people.

*silence*

---We make eye contact. There’s a connection established somewhere, oddly enough.---

Her: No. My day was pretty uneventful.

*silence*

Me: That’s a nice raccoon skin you’ve got there. *points to raccoon skin on dashboard*

Her: Oh, that’s nothing impressive. *turns her head and makes a face like she’s smiling, but hiding it*

Me: I reckon if I ever took a creature’s life, I’d have to use every single part of the animal. I feel like I owe it to Earth Mother not waste and to be grateful for everything.

Her: I guess that’s right. *pauses* People who love the Earth the way she truly wants to be loved are always going to be stepped on, though. If you submit to the way she wants you to be be, you’re always gonna end up taking the brunt of things.

---Now, honestly, I get this on a DEEP level. Sometimes, surrendering to the highest path is a scary thing and you get thrown into situations where you aren’t sure of your abilities to manage, people throw their emotional garbage on you at increasing levels and you’re expected to be able to respond in a way that teaches them compassionately, rather than return the violence. At the same time, I feel like I can’t accept this, because only by learning to be more intelligent in your dealings with people are you often able to both escape the negativity of dealing with less “realized” people AND to bring the kind of understanding and light you want to see in the world. It’s a matter of understanding the threat of uncertainty and embracing it. So, I, a culturally educated but “colorblind” white boy, open my mouth and say...

"It’s all about learning to fight SMARTER. You can’t just lie down and take their bullshit. We all gotta stand up and do our parts to stop this thing!”

---Honestly, I’m glad that she didn’t throw me out of the vehicle right there on the winding mountain highway and drive away with all my stuff. She pulled over quickly after that, told me that this was where she was dropping me off (by a convenience store, a dispensary and a coffee shop). I asked her if the bus came this way, she said it did, wished me well on my journey, let me get my stuff from the back and drove off---

So, after a nice, flirty, but intimate and deep conversation with the guy behind the counter at the dispensary, I roll myself a joint in this wooded area behind the convenience store that looks like someone’s far yard. I see ANOTHER cool ass, moss covered, old shed with an elk skull hanging from the outside and reflect on my journey... communing with this ageless spirit I encountered on the mountain that seems to personify all life on the mountain.

I learned so much from this experience about “knowing one’s place” in the world. We are all human beings and are on this journey of life together and there is NO excuse for racism or boundaries between people. We must all understand ourselves and come together to grow and ascend as a species, otherwise we are doomed... but it is CRITICAL that you understand your place in it all.

I am white. Not once did I ever kill a Native person, force them off their land, destroy their culture or attempt to destroy their spirituality. This does not mean that I get to ignore that my Ancestors had roles in these terrible genocides in history and that I have benefited in some way from this... through schooling or health care or whatever comes with the laws of the country I was “born” in. It is my responsibility to recognize where I am in the world.

I am male. Not once did I ever rape a woman or hit a woman... In fact, I have involved myself in situations where I aided a person in escaping these kind of situations. This does not mean that I get to ignore the fact that I may threaten a woman because I resemble her abuser or trigger her in some way, or that her female ancestors (and mine) have lost their birth names, or been repressed by marriage customs, voting rights, cultures and misogyny.

It is my responsibility to accept everyone where they are and to accept myself where I am and to not try to make the situation any better, just to learn from it and hold everyone in the highest respect and love as possible.

So, that’s Mount Hood. She’s ancient. She knows you and I and is willing to show us what we need to know. I am grateful for the experience.

[italicwatches]

[legacy content] My Hero Academia - Episode 02

Okay, I’m in a better mental spot. Let’s keep it that way. Time to see how this goes; it’s My Hero Academia, episode 02! Here we GO!

-We begin, with that video. All Might’s grand display, as watched by a young Izuku…The moment that filled him with raw, intense admiration and passion…And then, the moment when he learned he had no Quirk at all, that he was an ordinary person in a world full of the extraordinary…The struggles he’s faced, the difficulties, the pain…And in the Now…That question.

-That single idea. Of being able to do good, of being able to save lives and do what matters, with or without powers…And as All Might ponders his question…That’s when something begins to go wrong. His own powers, he can’t maintain his bulk…And as his power shuts down, Izuku doesn’t even see it, having his attempt to express his feelings, his admiration and his desire to be like the man he so idolizes…

-And then the smoke clears…And All Might doesn’t have very much might at all. He’s more like No Might. (heyoooo) And Izuku doesn’t know what the fuuuuuuuck

-Opening! Still no subs.

-Down in the local shopping district, in a random alleyway, the slime awakens inside a soda bottle, and he’s not happy about this…While Katsuki is walking through the same alley, and kicks that very bottle, knocking its cap right off and not even noticing. As the slime rises up, preparing to take him as a vessel instead…!

-Episode 02! What It Takes to Be a Hero

-While back on the roof, Izuku sees his hero un-bulked for the first time, and he also coughs up a bunch of blood and is basically a skeleton. And Izuku’s image of his hero is shattered…As all he can do is ask Izuku not to let anyone see this, as he has to reveal something to the boy. A wound. A vicious injury he sustained five years ago. He lost half a lung and an entire part of his digestive tract. The surgeries and efforts to save him…Well, you see the results. Just staying alive sapped him dry, and he can only be at full bulk for about three hours a day.

-Five years ago…When he fought the villain Toxic Chainsaw? Good eye…But no. This was a fight that the public never knew about. A fight that he very purposefully kept the media away from, after the results…Because he knows he’s a symbol. A symbol of Peace. He cannot have been brought low by evil. That fearless smile you so idolize, boy…It, has, to, stay, strong. Because the pros…They’re always risking their lives. It’s the game.

-Which is why he can’t give you some rousing speech of how the powerless can be just as good at being a hero. He cannot, will not, see an innocent boy brought into this if he doesn’t have to…If you just want to serve the public, you’re better served joining the police…And then he’s gone. Which is when, on his way out, he realizes that the bottles fell out of his pockets. The slime managed to get loose.

-And then, he and Izuku both separately see an explosion in the shopping district…!

-Several local heroes get there in time to see the slime holding Katsuki, who’s caused the explosion in a desperate bid to get away and/or draw attention to his plight, to force heroes to come…Death Arms is the first on the scene, racing in with his immense strength…But he can’t get a grip on the slime, naturally, not having the sheer force to do things like All Might…

-While Katsuki continues his struggle, throwing down more fire and boom, more intensity, as the slime keeps trying to grapple him…To take him over…

-Which is when Mt. Lady arrives! But she can’t get big enough to do serious work in the tight confines of the shopping center, which means she probably doesn’t have a ‘medium’ setting, she’s just all or nothing. Kamui Woods arrives and starts getting people out of there, but as a lumberious hero, he can’t exactly do much in the real thick of the flames for long…

-Backdraft is in there getting the water down thick and heavy, but that’s only going so far, and he can’t dare look away from it until the firemen are here…The battle is a minefield, as Katsuki is slowly but surely being consumed, his struggle simply making things worse…The other heroes, with options few, are looking at having to simply hold the line, to get innocents out, and to try and keep the kid alive long enough for more heroes to arrive…

-Which is when All Might gets there, still exhausted, and sees…The slime. He let it escape because he was too worried about his time limit…And now this has happened…!

-Commercial break!

-And we’re back! Izuku is walking home, his head in his damaged notebook and his passion drained, as he sees that huge autograph from his hero…The man who told him he can’t do this. The cold, bitter reality. And now he’s trying to hold his tears back…When he hears another boom. And realizes he’s by the shopping district…And he can’t stop himself from getting into the crowd…

-When he sees the slime. Oh god. Oh god, the thing has someone else…! Someone’s in there getting hurt! And people are starting to talk, and worry, and someone realizes they saw All Might chasing this thing…Izuku feels the agony of his mistakes, feels this is his fault…Feels he made All Might drop the thing, that he caused this, that someone’s gonna die because of him…As All Might, mere feet away, faces the wrath of his own patheticness, unable to face it…

-And then…Then Izuku sees those eyes…Sees the eyes of the guy in there…And he races in, unable to stop himself! His legs are moving before his eyes catch up, his arms pounding before his mind realizes what’s happening, his body alight with motion, instincts kicking on…The things he’s learned from analysis. How would a hero catch this thing? Someone like Kamui Woods would engulf it! So before he even realizes, Izuku’s whipping his backpack off, letting the woods spill out, and throwing it open-handed into the face of the slime! It has to struggle to get it off, has to take its focus off of Katsuki…

-And in that flash, Izuku’s there, clawing through the slime to reach the same piece of shit who’s caused him such pain…But the thought of turning away, from even him, from anyone…It’s, fucking, unthinkable. He saw the pain in those eyes…And he can’t deny it…!

-So even as he struggles…As All Might tries to compel his powers to function, and as the other heroes try to save this boy…All Might is there, holding the line, for a few precious seconds! A few seconds is all he needs, as even with blood spilling from his mouth in a spray, he forces one hand through the slime to grapple the young man loose. And with the other, it’s a DETROIT SMASH! A single blow kicks up wind enough to blast the slime apart, to bring up a cyclone that reaches to the stars above…!

-And when it’s over, when he can barely move…All Might is holding that boy, safe and sound. And a mighty rain begins to fall, the clouds swirled to this single point by All Might’s punch. He rises, despite the pain, as the people praise him, as they see his symbol of hope…Unable to speak, he raises a fist to the cheers of the crowd, as the other heroes move in to collect the creature’s parts for hopefully the last time.

-Of course, Izuku saw a lot of scolding, while Katsuki got praised for holding out as long as he did…But in that moment, all that Katsuki can see, is the fact that Izuku, had to save, him.

-Of course, the event is all over the news by sundown, as both young men make their way home…Izuku is left feeling rather down about having caused trouble…When Katsuki comes after him, full of indignant fury about not needing Izuku’s help, his pity, or anything else. And then he’s stomping off before Izuku can give him a single response…

-And then, that’s when All Might arrives, having escaped the reporters at last! And then his powers give out. He has to thank Izuku, and apologize…Because if Izuku hadn’t done what he did, that thing would be wearing that boy like a suit. That you, a boy without a Quirk of your own, were willing to move into the fray…That was the reason he was able to push through the pain. You’ve certainly heard that the greatest heroes, have stories from even their school days…But what people never think to mention, is what those stories are. Almost to a single man, they are of one finding themselves moving before they can stop to think, of one’s body in the thick of a problem by the time their mind catches up…

-That is what makes a hero. It isn’t what powers you have. It isn’t the suit, it isn’t the badge. It’s when you see something going wrong, and realize you’re already in the middle of trying to make it right. That, is what a hero is, young man…And Izuku realizes, realizes what All Might is saying. What he’d wanted his mother to say, back when he was a child. What he’s wanted to hear from someone, anyone, his whole fucking LIFE.

-That he, too, can be a hero. And as those words come from All Might’s lips, Izuku falls to his knees with emotion, is overcome with tears, at the very idea…That the dream, the thing that seemed so impossible, might just be within his reach…!

-Credits!

Change this world, Izuku. Chase those passions, and show what kind of man you truly are. You can do it, kid…! And we’ll see proof of that next time, in episode THREE of My Hero Academia! Wait for it!