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The Minds Behind The Terror Podcast Transcript - Episode 2

Here is a transcript for episode 2 of The Minds Behind The Terror! In this episode, showrunners Dave Kajganich and Soo Hugh are joined by author Dan Simmons and actor Adam Nagaitis, who plays Cornelius Hickey. They cover episodes 4-6 of the show, getting into Hickey’s psychology and Adam’s incredible acting, Dan’s feelings about never revealing the monster too soon, Adam getting locked in a conference room with the Tuunbaq prop for twenty minutes, and the spectacle that is Carnivale.

The Minds Behind The Terror Podcast - Episode 2

[The Terror opening theme music plays]

Soo Hugh: Welcome to The Minds Behind The Terror Podcast. I’m Soo Hugh, executive producer and showrunner of this labor of love, here with my partner in crime Dave Kajganich, executive producer and showrunner.

Dave Kajganich: Hello.

SH: Today we welcome The Terror author Dan Simmons, and actor Adam Nagaitis who plays Cornelius Hickey in the TV series. Dan is calling in from Colorado, and Adam you’re here from London.

Adam Nagaitis: I am! Hi!

DK: Adam and Dan, I don’t know that you have been introduced to one another, so welcome both we’re happy to have you!

AN: Thank you! It’s lovely to be here.

Dan Simmons: Thank you. I have to start with just a fanboy meltdown here, I don’t do this, I don’t praise actors that much even when I’ve met them, but I need to use a word that as a novelist and as a mature, American human being I don’t use because the younger generations have appropriated it, it’s the only adjective that they use in their whole vocabulary, but Adam, your performance as Cornelius Hickey was brilliant. It was awesome.

AN: Thank you so much, Dan, and obviously the feeling is beyond mutual. There is no Cornelius Hickey without you, so, um, really overwhelming to hear someone like you say that, so thank you so much.

SH: This is so touching.

DS: And I’ll confess something else to Adam, the first time I watched it, I thought your character was a good guy because he jumped down in that grave to put the lid back on.

[laughter]

DS: It was on my second viewing I thought, “Wait, he stole the boy’s ring! Bastard!”

SH: So this is the second podcast of this series, if you haven’t heard the first one, episode 1, we recommend highly that you go back and listen to those, that first episode will cover episodes 1.01-1.03. Today we’ll talk about episodes 1.04-1.06, and if you have not seen those episodes please, please don’t break our hearts and listen to this podcast! Watch the show first! We’ll have many spoilers that we’ll be discussing.

SH: So now since you guys have finally met one another, Dan and Hickey--Dan and Adam.

[laughter]

SH: Should we talk about, Dan, just how you first originally structured Hickey in the novel, and we know that you loved Hickey, but your experience watching the show in terms of seeing the changes that we have made and what we’ve kept from the book, how that affected you.

DS: Mostly the changes that you guys and Adam did for the character of Hickey I think, uh, I don’t wanna praise too much, but they’re marvelous. They showed me a succession of, um, not villains but a complex, sometimes wicked character in a way that I don’t think I got to in the book. My character was like--a bit too much like Iago in Othello, you know, he tended to be motiveless malevolence, or malignancy, which is the way you describe Iago. And there are many Iagos in the world, but the way that Adam created Hickey out of the soft clay of my introduction was marvelous to me. I could just see all the wheels turning in Hickey’s head, all the ways he’s looking for an edge, so I took it to maybe point C or D, you guys took it through Y.

DK: The last thing that we’ve seen Hickey do is that he has gone through the lower decks of Terror and has shat on a bed...

[laughter]

DK: ...and has found a resignation letter from Crozier that no one is meant to see, because Crozier is now in command of the expedition. We have laid out a different kind of ascension, if you will, or architecture for Hickey’s arc in the show from the book, and I wonder, Adam, if you could speak a little bit to having read, I think, part of the novel and been told to stop reading by me and Soo because we didn’t want you to be confused. How did you receive these episodes, and how did you plan to sort of make the--cover the distance between those two points in Hickey’s arc, which it’s a lot of distance to cover.

AN: There are pieces of the novel that stayed with me and unfortunately I could not get out of my head as much as I would try, ‘cause they were very potent aspects of Hickey, were always useful, but it’s as you said, Dan, it was just that the switch, I’m just backtracking ‘cause there’ll be a reason, but the switch from, the clarification for me, or the justification of his motivations was all really I had to find. A new soul, a new motor. And that motor sort of begins--perhaps changes gear, in episode 4, when Hickey is--I don’t wanna say betrayed? But you know, for the first time he’s proactive about a decision he makes when he goes and grabs Lady Silence.

[show audio]

Crozier: There’ll be no violence towards this woman without charges brought and well proved. Who is responsible for this?

Hickey: I am, sir.

AN: He’s pushing the boundaries of what his courage is allowing him to do at that point, and he knows that this is dangerous. But it’s also completely necessary and he can’t help himself. And I think he’s fairly sure of a reward. But what ends up happening, he considers himself constantly self-aware, like an incredibly high introspective IQ, that if he’s achieved anything in his life, it’s that he is completely honest with himself at all times. He has these conversations in the mirror all day, every day, just to make sure that he’s sharp, that nobody will call him out on any sort of fracture that they can see within him. He sees his weaknesses, he accepts--that’s a soulful narcissist, I suppose, as a way of describing him, but one thing that has escaped him he realizes is that his desperate need to be accepted, to be loved, to be seen, and be patted, and to be, um, to have that authority figure, whatever you wanna call it, allowing you the rite of passage.

[show audio]

Hickey: Captain Crozier, there’s something I wanna say, but I hardly dare speak the words.

Fitzjames: Oh, speak the words, Mr. Hickey.

Hickey: Well, of all I know in this world--and of this world… I tell you. That… I do not believe it is an animal we battle.

AN: And he realizes when he gets lashed, this day of sort of revelation, where he understands every time he gets hit, you know, he--I took a lot of the lashing I took through the way that Hickey’s described in the book, that his life has been this low level horror story, and pain is something that is incredibly interesting to him. It’s not something to be avoided, it’s something to be embraced.

[show audio]

[sound of the lashing, Hickey gasping in pain]

SH: Adam, if we had to break down the whipping scene, ‘cause I mean your performance in that moment, I mean, it’s so extraordinary, the amount of what you were able to pull out physically as well as just emotionally in your face in that scene. Will you walk us through, what did you internally--‘cause in all you were saying about Hickey being with one foot planted in practice but also at the same time being the self-aware philosopher, but in that moment of the lashing, some different, higher kind of understanding must have been in place, ‘cause pain is at work there. Was your process different in that scene?

AN: You must forgive me as well for goin’ on, ‘cause when I talk about Hickey I get lost

[Crosstalk, Soo reassuringly saying “No!”]

AN: and I go forever, but I remember it sort of breaking it down, preparing it was breaking it down into how you are perceived when you enter that realm of torture or judgement or whatever it is, and he always is gonna make sure that he didn’t lose the experience in stupid, human things like shame, or, you know, consideration of embarrassment, he never walks in--it’s almost as if there’s never anybody else in the room, he doesn’t care to cloud it. And that was the very first point, was to get in and go, “What does it mean to be punished as a boy?” I was thinking, “You know, that’s it, what does that mean? I wonder what they’re gonna do to me?” When he realizes that and these people around him, that--I don’t know, it’s kind of--I suppose it was such a strange collaboration of sensations, because at the one point, you know, I’m in this, as an actor I’m naked in this scene with all these people, and being punished as a boy should have taken Hickey down, you know, the shame should have overwhelmed him, and it should have been this sort of embarrassing situation, and instead it became empowering. He wasn’t afraid of crying and screaming, and again, it’s not--if it’s practical, and it helps, it’s no big deal. It’s just pain. And everybody else would be in pain, and it doesn’t matter. Even if, you know, if people perceive him as weak, he’ll find a way to get ‘em. It doesn’t matter.

[show audio]

Crozier: Again.

[whip cracking, ship creaking, muffled groan from Hickey]

SH: And something we haven’t talked about much yet in these podcasts is this theme of hubris and the hierarchy and the patriarchy, and Dan you explore it fully in your book. In terms of figuring out, you know, where our characters come from, and their foundations and backbones, they come from a very distinct historical period that really thought that their empire was the crowning achievement of human civilization, right? And that the royal navy is this prime embodiment of that conquest. They were gonna go out into the world, find that sea route to China, and the world will be theirs. In both the book and our show, that kind of thinking is what drives them into the heart of peril, right? And what was always interesting about the Hickey character, in some ways, was he questioned--in some ways he’s very--too modern for his times, in some way, in that he questioned that hierarchy, that patriarchy.

And that’s something that I think Dave and I can both sympathize with as well. The character was so interesting to write for because Hickey was in some ways an easy embodiment of our voice today. And then when you--when we watch your performance, what was great about your performance was it was never slippery, ‘cause it’s really easy to play Hickey as slippery. I always felt that your performance was always located in something very very direct. People can play characters like Hickey where you don’t--they never wanna commit to anything because he’s supposed to be nebulous, or too ambiguous. That was never the situation. When you had that smile on your face, when Irving is saying, you know, “climbing exercises!” we know you’re not playing Irving, which is great, and I think that’s such a success of your portrayal of Hickey, is it never feels slippery.

DK: Well an awful lot of people came in to audition for this part, and what we found was a lot of people, most people--in fact, everyone but you, Adam--played Hickey as a kind of pre-built villain, and when we saw your first tape come in and you were open-handed, and you were smiling your way through the same monologue that everyone else had put fangs on, we knew that you were our Hickey, because that kind of charisma, and that kind of confidence, and that kind of hubris, in a way, is what were going to be the magic ingredients, I think, it’s what we sort of loved about the opportunity for the show to take the Hickey from Dan’s book and sort of turn it in a different unexpected way so that readers who hadn’t read the book wouldn’t know right off the bat whether they were meant to sympathize with Hickey or be wary of him or both, and I think that’s a great achievement of the performance is you sort of feel you’re on both rails the whole time, and I think that’s kind of an amazing achievement.

AN: That’s how you wrote it! I mean that was exactly--I think that you saw what you wrote, the real strength of that character was in his understanding of himself and his understanding of the hierarchy and how this world functions, you know? He’s studied it, gave him an intelligence, that’s the way I saw it when I read it.

DS: But it’s pretty amazing to think that by this point in the show, you have stolen a dead boy’s ring, you have shit on your ex-boyfriend’s bed, you have murdered our favorite doctor--

[laughter]

I mean there’s a lot, you’ve done a lot of things to turn the audience against you, but I don’t think that’s how an audience will feel!

AN: All completely justified.

[laughter]

SH: You’re acquitted.

[laughter]

SH: Can I steer the conversation just slightly in a different direction, ‘cause Dan, you made our lives very difficult in one way, so you have these two incredible set pieces in your book

[Crosstalk, Dave saying “yes.”]

SH: and they happen to fall chronologically so close to each other that production wise we had to film them one episode apart.

[Dave laughing, and he laughs a few more times in the background throughout the following]

SH: So in 1.05 we have the huge Blanky mast Tuunbaq fight sequence, and then in 1.06 we have Carnivale. They are along with something that comes at the end of our show, they are--those two scenes--those two sequences are, you know, some of our biggest biggest, just, action set pieces. They’re just extraordinary spectacles. But Dave and I, you know, we grew many grey hairs in this process because they’re so fantastic in the book, they’re fan favorites in the book, we knew that we had to--we knew we were gonna be pillaged based on whether or not we succeeded in those scenes. So seeing the mast sequence and seeing Carnivale, what did you think? DS: I know the difficulty in putting two set pieces like that close to each other, I mean, the chase with Blanky was pretty dynamic, and even more so from the book to your show, it was very dynamic.

[show audio]

[Tuunbaq fight scene! tense music, Blanky yelling, Tuunbaq roaring]

Hodgson: Fire!

[cannon fires, the shot hits the Tuunbaq and it growls, Blanky falls and screams, the mast creaks]

DS: And I love the character of Blanky, all the way through to, you know, his ending. He’s wonderful.

SH: Speaking of the mast sequence, what we were discussing prior, this is the first time we actually get to see the Tuunbaq. We’re curious how both of you--you know, ‘cause Dave and I, we’ve been very careful about how we utilize and deploy the Tuunbaq in our show, and making sure also that narratively in the story-wise it didn’t feel like, “Oh, we need to ramp up this episode, we’ll throw the Tuunbaq in,” that we were very more deliberate about when we put the Tuunbaq in our show, and making sure that it didn’t, like Dave was saying, didn’t fit the monster of the week. But I mean Adam, you have a very particular relationship with the Tuunbaq that starts to become revealed in episode 4, could you just walk through how you were thinking about it?

AN: The way that I started to think about the Tuunbaq was as a character, that was the best way for me to think about it, as another, you know, another member of the narrative in general, and it’s a person--it, of all the people, there are only, including the Tuunbaq, there are two that I respect: Crozier, who I see as something of maybe a soul mate, would be a way of describing it; and the Tuunbaq, who I see as a person who is, he or she is, true to themselves and unafraid, and undeterred, and pure in their resolve, you know, and their execution, and so it’s almost admiration and mutual respect, and that when that Tuunbaq looks at me, and I look back, that I see myself. And I see what I might become, you know, and I have--and Hickey sees himself as having elements that the Tuunbaq doesn’t have, you know, the idea of, Hickey so rarely sees people that he acknowledges, that, in his mind, deserve or warrant his acknowledgement, and when he first meets eyes with the Tuunbaq, that’s what he goes through.

[show audio]

[wind whirling, footsteps, Tuunbaq growling]

DK: Dan I was always curious to ask you about the Tuunbaq in terms of your creation of that creature. I mean in our research we found elements of different sort of spirits from Inuit mythology that seem like the Tuunbaq is kind of an amalgam of, can you walk us through sort of how you hit on that idea and what parts of it are from Inuit mythology that you can remember and what parts of it are your own invention, or just how that creature came to be, it’s such an interesting, fascinating creation?

DS: That’s a good question, I’ll answer it, but first I wanted to add an unharmonious, non-praising comment, which is when I was watching the series on my little computer screen and I got to the Tuunbaq chasing Blanky up the rigging and so forth, I paused the show, walked out in my front yard, aimed west, and shouted, “Don’t show the fuckin’ Tuunbaq!”

[laughter]

DS: “Not yet!” I’m sure you heard that.

SH: Did you think we showed it too much in that sequence?

DS: I did when I saw the sequence. When I’d seen the show front to back, one and a half times now, I think it’s fine. Dave, you remember, when we first talked about things, that was--I was stressing that left, right, and center, which is--I was basing it on a favorite movie of mine, which nobody else has as a favorite movie, but it’s the 1951 version of The Thing. Howard Hawks directed it even though he gave the credit to his DP, but he directed it, and it got so every time a door opened, every head, every person turned to look. And the monster turned out to be James Arness in a silly suit. But the tension was tremendous, and I think you guys build up very nicely, you know, everybody’s ready, looking over his shoulder, there’s that scene where somebody does, and the wiser man says “It’s only the ice, Georgie, it’s only the ice,” but of course it’s not.

[show audio]

[Neptune the dog barking]

Strong: He’s been goin’ on like that since the wind died.

Hartnell: Take your wigs off.

[rustling, wind whistling, Neptune continues barking]

Hartnell: Don’t you hear that?

DK: It was a fine line to walk, because on the one hand, you know, I don’t know if anyone would have made the show if it didn’t have, you know, quote unquote “a monster” in it. So we were trying to be very intelligent on how we deployed the Tuunbaq in the show, and wanted to make sure that when we did it didn’t feel like it was meant to spice something up, that it felt sort of earned, in some way, and you were confident that the less we showed of the Tuunbaq the better. But that isn’t--it’s not the easiest sell if you don’t happen to agree with this point of view, and you know, luckily we were sort of able to have our cake and eat it too, in a way, but still, even when episodes one, two, and three aired, we were reading reviews and people’s comments online saying, “Is there a creature in this show or isn’t there?”

DS: Or what, yeah.

DK: Some people really want that settled, and so we tried to do it both ways, we tried to show just enough to make sure that it felt like we weren’t being coy about it, but not so much that we exhausted what’s interesting about it.

SH: And also the fear--there is a danger, if you put it off, ‘cause, Dan, Dave and I agree with you that you wanna hold off the reveal of the monster as long as possible because it’s just gonna be more satisfying that way, but there’s a tipping point to that as well, of course, you know, right? ‘Cause if you delay it too long then the expectations are almost too great. And when you delay the monster for so long the level of perfection that the audience is gonna expect is never--we were never gonna please them. So at some point, by finding that right balance point of “we show them enough that they know we’re not playing coy with them.”

DK: We also had a storytelling reason, a really good one, to make sure we did show it up front in the first third of the season, which is, you know, by the time you reach episode six you realize there’s something wrong with the Tuunbaq, that it is getting sick, or it is going off somehow, I mean, when Lady Silence finally decides that she’s going to offer her tongue to it in hopes that it will accept her as a Shaman and that she can contain this sort of mythological disaster that’s happening, and it rejects her, and it shows up to that scene looking a little woozy, and you know, there’s obviously a cause to be concerned about it.

[show audio]

[eerie music, Tuunbaq growling and snuffling]

DK: That wouldn’t have landed if we hadn’t seen, in some form, the Tuunbaq in all of its majestic glory. You know, we think of the Tuunbaq as quite presidential, in terms of its comportment, you know, that it is a pure expression of this mythology, it is the keeper of equilibrium, it is neither a hero nor a villain. But by the time we get to episode six, we should be feeling a little bit panicked about what this creature is becoming. It seems to be falling apart in front of us in the same way that the men are.

SH: Our Tuunbaq exists. We don’t play that game of “it’s a figment of our characters’ imagination.” That is one route we could have gone, we did not wanna do that.

DK: Adam, I don’t know if you remember, when we finally got the scale model head of the Tuunbaq to Hungary, and we had it in a conference room, I think, and I grabbed you from set and I didn’t tell you where you were going, and I took you to a door and I pushed you through it and closed it behind you, and in that room was the Tuunbaq, and you were the first person in the cast to see it. Do you remember what that experience was like?

[laughter]

AN: That was terrifying!

[laughter]

AN: I do remember, I remember that day very very well. It was just a head on a stick, wasn’t it?

DK: A big head, but yeah.

SH: Enormous.

DK: It was just the head--

AN: A great big head on a stick! And I knew the importance of it, so I sort of closed my eyes and opened them. I remember thinking, it was the eyes, the human eyes, that convinced me that it was a unique, thinking machine. It was a unique creature that had--that was worthy of respect, that was kind of the thing that I remember thinking about it. And of course it was terrifying. But yeah, I remember the teeth, the human teeth. It was so brilliant, it was so brilliantly conceived. I remember it was head height, and I just stood in front of it for a while.

DK: I remember it was twenty minutes before I opened the door!

AN: You opened it for a long time! I was like, uh, is it gonna move? It was great. It was really scary.

DK: So Dan, walk us through where it came from. I mean, this is a creation from, almost from scratch, I think, from you.

DS: Well first I built the Tuunbaq out of what I think is a good monster and would be a good monster in the Arctic. And after constructing it, I went just tearing through Inuit mythology and stories and oral tales for quite a while before I found the right creature. He was called Tuunbaq in the mythology, but it could’ve been Sedna, Sedna was a great sea monster. They have so many wonderful beings. But you guys summed it up in dialogue…

[show audio]

[man speaking Inuktitut, another man translating]

Translator: From the Shamans… the thing that eats on two legs and four… a thing made of muscles… and spells.

James Clark Ross: I don’t understand. Is he describing a man?

Translator: Sorry, Sir James. I don’t know what the hell he’s describing.

DS: That was the best summary of the Tuunbaq that I’ve heard. I’m gonna steal it from you if I ever do readings on this book again.

DK: Oh good.

[show audio]

[men cheering]

Fitzjames: There it is. We’ve not heard that sound in far too long.

DS: I especially enjoyed Carnivale. I like it that you didn’t follow my lead and turn the Carnivale on the ice into the scene from The Masque of the Red Death. I had a sailor who’d actually read that story in Boston in my novel, so he’s the one who set up the Carnivale with all the rooms from the Edgar Allan Poe story, and yours, the idea of celebrating, going home essentially, when the sun rose, that made a lot more sense to me.

DK: Well do you know the reason we went in that direction, I think in the writer’s room when we were discovering all the different sort of signs and symptoms of things like scurvy, nostalgia was considered a primary symptom of scurvy, and one way you could diagnose it. And we thought, well, if these men were going to throw a party and all bets were off in terms of what the theme of that party would be, we wanted to embrace the likelihood that a lot of those men who were in early stages of scurvy at that point might have leaned too heavily on nostalgia. And that gave us a kind of a surprising new sort of code to sort of explore in Carnivale.

[show audio]

Fitzjames: Come on, boys!

[cheering]

Fitzjames: Now, let’s get our hair good and powdered before that damn sun finds us again.

[more cheering]

DK: The idea that Dr. Stanley, who has a child back in England, and, you know, has a clear sense of what the kind of illness that’s on the table being discussed could do to the men, and he hears the news of the beginning of episode six that they’re probably running out of food and, you know, the episode, that episode six is called “A Mercy” for a reason, that really Stanley thinks he’s doing a great favor to all of the men by killing them. And it just was--I’m curious, when you watched that reveal in particular, that the Carnivale disaster was not going to come from the Tuunbaq but was going to come from somebody who was a kind of Cassandra in a way, like understood what was coming, in a way that lot of the men didn’t understand, whether that rang true emotionally to you in terms of how you would position these characters at that point in the novel.

DS: In the novel, you don’t have to compress time like that. The things can almost coexist and still work. So I had a little more freedom to do the Carnivale. But when you showed the malignant motives of the various people behind it, the doctor and so forth, the burgeoning insanity made sense.

[show audio]

[distorted music, liquid pouring, yelling]

Crozier: Hold him, hold him!!

[flames crackling, more yelling]

DK: Hickey’s arc between episode four and episode six, you sense someone who’s coming into a power, but doesn’t exactly know yet how he wants to use it, and is scanning other people and other relationships to try to find out where will the advantage come from. And I think what’s great about the final shot we have of Hickey in six, that is Hickey just before someone tells him, probably, that they’re going to be walking out.

AN: By the time we reach episode six, he’s well on the way to formulating in the material world, in our physical world, to formulating his sort of group. What’s going on inside him, what’s going on in his--maybe even subconsciously, or even very very very quietly consciously, is a furthering of his understanding that this universe is for him. These happenings are for him. They have his name all over them, his real--and since the beginning of his life he’s been checking the dials, trying to tune into the right radio station where there’s a clear voice of the numinous, or the supernatural, or the universe, or God, or whatever you wanna call it. He’s hoping for the clear voice that says his name.

DS: I have a question for Dave and Soo, which you looked at the muster of the crew as I did, you know, I had to decide who was what in a fictional term, you have about 127 interesting stories if you want to pursue them, but were you aware early on that there was gonna be one messiah developing in the story?

SH: I don’t know if we looked at it in terms of a messiah figure.

DS: Ah, but Hickey does.

DK: In these episodes, I think he doesn’t quite yet know what he’s going to become, except he knows he doesn’t have to be subservient anymore to other people’s versions of what he could become. I think he’s not quite sure where he is. He knows he’s just moved from one ladder to another ladder, he’s no longer on sort of the hierarchical ladder of the ships, he’s on a bigger ladder and he’s climbing, and he doesn’t quite yet know what heights that will reach, but it’s fascinating to see Hickey unleashed in these episodes, but not yet know what he’s going to put his power toward.

[audio from the show]

[the music from the end of episode six during the brief moment of sunrise plays]

SH: 1.04-1.06 takes place from the last sunrise of the year, and then the end of 1.06 is the sunrise of the year, so in terms of just that lovely visual metaphor, it’s also our dark nights, where we have polar nights. Did you guys, watching the episodes, did you guys feel that darkness? You know, Dave and I were so curious whether or not people understood what it feels like to live in perpetual darkness for months, and whether or not our audience was gonna get that. How did that come through for you? DS: The darkness, it was a hard thing, I think, to do in a series like this, it’s pressures, like the men in the ship not only have the pressure of the ice groaning and moaning and growling and pushing at the ship, they have the pressure of the months of darkness. And I think you did it well, I don’t know if it was a reviewer or a friend who said the show is all about--in the ship it’s all about claustrophobia, outside the ship it’s all agoraphobia, fear of open spaces.

SH: Oh that’s wonderful!

DK: Absolutely. We talked a lot about that in the writers’ room, about how there was--we didn’t know which was worse, you know, and characters would have different opinions about that. Is it better to be sort of sealed up in almost a coffin-like environment, or is it better to be exposed with no way to protect yourself? I don’t know what I would choose.

[The Terror opening theme music plays]

SH: So that is episodes 1.04-1.06, Dave and I are here with Dan and Adam, and it’s been such a pleasure you guys, thank you for joining us, and next time we’ll be covering episodes 1.07 and 1.08. Dan and Adam, both of you will be back as well.

DK: Wonderful.

DS: Great.

SH: Thank you!

[preview snippet from the next episode plays]

AN: In complete honesty, it never occurred to me that any of those things were cruel or despicable!

[laughter]

#the terror #the terror amc #the minds behind the terror #dave kajganich #soo hugh #dan simmons #adam nagaitis #personal #as with last time google doc link will be in the reblogs #and please lmk if you see any typos or other mistakes!

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neocatharsis · 4 years ago

Text

The Brilliant Members of World Renowned NCT 127 Share Their Thoughts Fashion, Music, Lifestyle, Favorite Things… What Their Individual Styles Are　#009 MARK

Some Excerpts

To know the world, to be a writer. What are your thoughts on that?

MN: Now then, after thoroughly reading your questionnaire, how to put this, it’s not that often that you see so many amazing responses in one place that happen to be philosophical in nature. That’s how amazing we thought your responses were, MARK-san.

M: Woh~!!

MN: For the question, “If you were to introduce yourself to the readers of MEN’S NON-NO as if you were doing so to someone you just met for the first time, what would that be?”, you answered, “I’m a young man who is still learning about the world”. How concise yet such lovely words. Please tell us in what way you are coming face-to-face with the world right now.

M: Wow, thank you very much. I often feel how scary it is the way time just flies by. Like time is flashing by in an instant. However, I feel that the “youth” of each person is exactly when that person feels like “it is right now”. Of course, it depends on the person, but I think that there is a sense of youth that I can feel at any given time, whether I’m in my 30’s or my 40’s, and I think that will change depending on how I feel and how I perceive it. What I can say now is that somewhere inside, I feel like, “I still have yet to know the world”. That’s why I always feel that I’m in still the process of learning more about the world, and that I have a lot of new things to learn with so many different aspects. There is so much wisdom, information, and knowledge in this world, and it’s as if I’m digesting these things one by one within my mind without rushing the process, and I’m shaping my identity by selecting what I need. I feel like I’m amidst this process.

MN: It feels like facing the vastness of the outside world is also connected to facing yourself. Also, to the question, “What is your source of inspiration for creative work?”, you wrote, “EVERYTHING”.

M: That’s true. I’m currently trying to understand so many things and ingest them within myself. So, well, I guess I’m in the middle of my lessons.

MN: You talked about how you perceive the world, but the concept of the group is exactly “TO THE WORLD”. For the question, “What is important to you in expressing yourself and conveying your style as a global artist?”, you wrote, “I believe that we should know ourselves and be honest with ourselves”. To the world, to know yourself. It seems that “to know” is important you.

M: With regard my policy of being honest with myself in order to know myself, I believe it is necessary with all aspects. For example, as an artist, “I wasn’t honest with my previous performance, but this time I am”, just doesn’t cut it. After all, I think that in order to absorb various things, you should always be honest with your feelings and with yourself. Inspiration often comes from the outside, but I think it’s important to think about how you interpret it, what types of emotions you are willing to accept, and how you are going to express them. I feel like I’m always trying to figure out how I interpret a song and its concept with honesty, and then how I’m going to perform that song. I think the other members are the same, but TAEYONG-san, who also writes lyrics as I do, likely has many opportunities to feel the same way when writing poetry.

MN: Since you brought up writing lyrics, I’d like to ask you a couple of things accordingly. To the actual question, “What dream would you like to achieve in your life other than music?”, you responded, “To write literary work”. We can tell that you like to write from the questionnaire that was jam-packed with words, but please tell us what is important to you when putting your feelings into words, and if there is anything you would challenge yourself to try.

M: Let’s see… Though I mention writing, it’s mostly lyrics these days. However, in order to complete those lyrics, I need to keep writing down my ideas. Those ideas become the source of everything I write and I start from there. Each letter/character and sentence always are the basis of my lyrics and other works, and I think that they contain my various viewpoints as well as perspectives. I also try to express these different viewpoints and perspectives in words.

MN: That’s a vital essence on how to create works of art.

M：For example, even if the theme is the same, the interpretation will change depending on how you look at things, or rather, your point of view, and I think this will appeal differently to people. So, the lyrics then are taken further as they fit the music. Thus, the way it is conveyed will then change depending on the beat and sounds. I rather enjoy that part of it. As far as things “I would like to challenge myself to” in the future… Of course, right now, I think that writing lyrics is already a good way for me to express myself in terms of writing itself, and it’s very gratifying as well, but… If in the future, really further into the future, that is, once I have achieved a lot of experience, it would be wonderful if I could publish a book.

MN: Wow! We look forward to that!

M: My original dream was to become an author! And I am really satisfied that I am able to write lyrics and sing those lyrics, but it would be something if I could publish a book someday when I’m older….

MN: As a young man still in the process of learning about the world, we hope for the day when you, MARK-san, have seen and listened to more things, will be able to share your experiences with us.

M: One day, eventually. Whether it be a novel, or some kind of autobiography, or even something that’s philosophical…or something that represents my thoughts… As of now, it is all up in the air, but I do hope to be able to write a book of that sort one day.

MN: So, your passion for writing something is being devoted to the creation of lyrics.

M: Well, to be honest, I don’t’ really think I’ve been able to express myself fully yet. As I mentioned earlier, I’m still in the process of learning and absorbing various things, and in many ways, I feel my writing skills are still in its infancy as well. However, the important thing to remember is that it’s often not until you write down what you’re thinking about that you realize what it is that you were thinking about. When I write, a lot of things come to mind, and they then naturally becomes letters/characters and then sentences. So, I didn’t notice it before I began writing, but as I continued to write, I realized, “Oh, I had this idea in me” and “I had that idea in me”. The thoughts and feelings that were hiding within began coming to light. Right now, I find that process very stimulating”

MN： And what we hear is what has been output from that process.

M: I guess that’s how it works. And there’s one thing I know without a doubt. I am currently trying to express myself on a daily basis while feeling how “interesting” everything is. Besides, I think that if you don’t have fun yourself while experiencing all these different things, it simply won’t be able to write and express yourself well. That’s why I feel that, in addition to “writing”, it’s important for me to experience more interesting and different things.

MN: Well put. We will introduce the songs written by you, MARK-san, and TAEYONG-san, who came up earlier, at the end of this topic.

What kind of place is NCT 127 for MARK?

MN: We would like to ask what NCT 127 means to you, MARK-san?

M: Yes, certainly!

MN: There was one thing that was deeply impressive and we’d like to share that with the readers first. Two years ago, YUTA-san gave his first solo interview with MEN’S NON-NO and that article became a record-breaking hit. After it posted, when we told him about it at the Saitama Super Arena concert (NCT 127 1st Tour ‘NEO CITY:JAPAN‐The Origin’), you were next to him and we were surprised that you jumped up before him. We felt your deep affection for the other members.

M: Ahh~, thank you for looking over me with such warmth!

MN: We can’t forget how you shook YUTA-san’s shoulders and said, “You did it!”, while YUTA-san was still in shock, saying, “What? Really?” (laughter). All the staff members were talking about how “MARK’s response was the fastest~!”

M: Haha! First off, I mean, YUTA-san is just so adorable. I really do love him. It is of course important to be happy when someone important to you has had something good happen to him, and I’m sure YUTA-san would do the same for me. So, right now in that way, for me, the members mean a lot to me and I want everyone to be happy, and to be really happy all the time.

MN: It shows how you care about one another.

M: Since we are friends who have truly shared various things together and have experienced both joy as well as hardship, we’re so close that we can almost always tell what each other is thinking about. I think that it is more comfortable for each and every one of us to be each other than to be with anybody else, which I’m sure is the same for everybody else.

MN: In contrast, to the question, “What is behind the coolness of NCT 127?”, you responded, “I find it cool to be able to accomplish something difficult, so I think it is cool how I challenge myself and my team challenges itself in order to do so!”

M: We as NCT 127 are an ambitious group. We strive to pursue that ambition and are constantly trying to upgrade our own capabilities. I think these activities have made me a smarter person, and when they look at one another, I feel that we as an entire group are becoming more mature and blossoming through that effort. NCT 127 has really become an indispensable part of my life now. It’s a place in which I am able to grow and where happiness exists.

What are your thoughts about communication?

MN: To the question, “Please list three things that make up who you are, MARK-san”, you wrote, “Family, members, fans”. It appears you’re all about “people”, MARK-san. Due to the impact of the coronavirus pandemic, it is becoming increasingly difficult to see our loved ones. With group activities, not being able to do offline concerts or events. Under these circumstances, what do you find is important, MARK-san, when it comes to connecting with your family, members, and fans?

M: I find it truly “unfortunate and sad” that we are unable to do our regular activities and unable to see each other. But since there’s really nothing we can do about this situation, I think we have to accept it. On the other hand, in times like these, I think it’s really important to “communicate” with your loved ones and to find a way to communicate with them. For example, even between husband and wife, it is often said that it is not good to rely too much on “knowing without saying”. I mean, I’ve heard that there are some things that you simply can’t know unless you put them into words… Although, I don’t know about that kind of thing yet (LOL)

MN: Yes, we hear that a lot (LOL).

M: Even I used to nebulously think that my fans likely knew how much I wanted to see them and that I miss them when I can’t see them. However, I have come to realize that it is definitely necessary for people to communicate with each other and to properly express their feelings. I feel more aware of the importance of expressing my feelings in words without assuming that they will understand. With this in mind, I’ve been trying to express my feelings in words through SNS and online content as much as possible, so that my fans can think, “Oh, I’m so glad I waited for you.” I’d like to communicate with my fans through the use of my own words, so that I can stay connected and in a good relationship with all my fans for a long time to come.

MN: Your feeling are already clearly conveyed in those words.

M: If that’s the case, I am happy!

MN: The questionnaire we received back from you was positive overall, and full of strong willed words, but there was one particular answer that was really striking. It was the answer you wrote, “I would like others to see me as a happy person, but in fact, I have a lot of things to worry about.” to the question, “What kind of gap is there between the real you and how you want to be seen by others?” To the question, “What would you like to overcome?”, you responded, “Worrying too much about unnecessary things.” Of course, nobody is fine all the time, but you have an image of being cheerful and energetic, MARK-san. So, the question is, how do you fill in the gaps when it comes to that?

M: Ugh~. That’s partly due to my personality. When I meet people, when I come face-to-face with them, whether it’s the fans or people who are normally around me, I don’t like to show them that I’m not doing well because I’ve had a bad day, for example. I mean, I don’t think it’s in my nature to show my negative side. The reason is that there is nothing wrong with the other person. So, to express the problem I’m having in front of that person is… well, I think it’s just wrong. That’s why I always want to bring as much positive energy as possible to the person in front of me, and to be in a cheerful state.

MN: It’s common to take your anger out on others when you are in a bad mood, but you are making an effort to control yourself there! With regard to, “a memorable piece of advice you received from somebody”, you responded, “TREAT OTHERS THE WAY YOU WISH TO BE TREATED.” There feels like a connection here.

M: Yes, there is. In particular, for my fans, I want to show a good image of myself. They always support us, and even for our concerts and events, they often come from afar to meet us. Why would we want to take the trouble to show our negative side under those circumstances? If we did, we would wind up in regret after getting off the stage. That’s why I always want to deliver energy to my fans, and even if I do have worries or concerns, I do what I can to not to show them. There’s always another place where I can release it. So, if I’m in a bad state, I tend to shift my emotions. I try to eliminate my worries and concerns as much as possible, but if I find it difficult or impossible to do, I think it’s something that should be resolved by talking to the members of the group, talking to my family, or talking to the people around me.

#nct #nct 127 #Mark

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arr-jim-lad · 5 years ago

Note

Can you go into how you think Dios insane and how his mind works. I have trouble putting my thoughts into words but reading other people's opinions helps and not a lot of people talk about dios insanity even tho i find it very interesting

Sure thing!!! You know I love to talk about DIO lmao(NOTE: This will include spoilers for Stone Ocean later on)

In part 1, human Dio’s goal appears to be proving a point to his dead father as well as himself. He always wants more, to achieve more, to prove he’s capable of more. He does that by pursuing superiority in many fields; he proves academic excellence by finishing law school at the top of his class, he proves he’s a talented sportsman by being one of his school’s star rugby players, and he actively, since the moment he joined the Joestar family, wants to prove that he’s superior to Jonathan and therefore a better heir and a better son.

It’s also important to mention the flaws he sees in himself here; his anger. I went into this before here but to summarize it; Dio has an anger problem and he not only knows it - it’s his most despised thing about himself.

That’s all simple stuff at the start, as it’s just trying to prove he’s better than others, and that’s easy to understand.

Then he becomes a vampire and a power trip REALLY hits him. Now he doesn’t have to pretend that he’s a gentleman anymore because literally no one can do shit to him. That law he studied? Fuck that, he can break it now all he wants, because it doesn’t apply to him anymore. The law is written for mere humans, and he’s not one of them anymore. He can do whatever he wants and he will do that - as flamboyantly and dramatically as possible. The Joestar fortune he was after in his earlier days? Fuck that too, he’s an immortal vampire with superpowers now, he can just take whatever money he wants.

Now Dio is free to be himself in every sense, and he stops pursuing power in a sneaky, deceitful way, but just. Straight up terrorizing anyone who steps in his path. Now EVERYONE gets to know about his wish for power, not just Jonathan.

And what’s even better - NO ONE is a problem anymore. NO ONE can hurt him. You know what this means for Dio? That he doesn’t have to get angry and frustrated anymore, because no one is able to push him that far.

….Except for Jonathan Joestar, who just won’t leave him alone

Jonathan keeps coming back and it low key pisses Dio off, but on the other hand, he also has major respect for him because of that. In his life of power and bliss, Jonathan manages to be the ONLY thing to disturb him

So Phantom Blood ending happens, Dio is bodyless, and in a mixture of necessity and respect, he takes Jonathan’s body. I notice people often seem to think that he took his body because he wanted it from the get go or something, but that’s not accurate. Initially it was for revenge, because Jonathan was the one who caused him to have to behead himself, and in SDC DIO even clearly says he NEEDED to take that body in order to survive - it was originally revenge and survivalism, but seeing Jonathan’s final actions also added immense respect to that. That body means a lot of different things to DIO.

Anyway now we get to the good part.So Dio is underwater all alone with a corpse for about 100 years. I went into more into this once before but to TL;DR that post; that kind of situation Does Bad Shit To You.

By the time DIO arose from that coffin, the insanity REALLY took hold of him. Because, in that coffin, he got to THINK. He got to do a LOT of thinking. All alone. He got to think about what matters to him.

And once he did all that thinking, he found his goal.It was not riches or power, but lack of anger: Inner peace.

Throughout SDC and Stone Ocean, that’s his ultimate goal.Now, how he goes about to obtain that is… hm.

In Stone Ocean, we are introduced to DIO’s diary, in which he essentially wrote down a highly complex, highly convoluted ritual of obtaining peace of mind, or as he likes to call it like the dramatic bitch that he is: Heaven.

I’ve seen people say that he apparently doesn’t show any philosophical interest in that kinda thing in SDC to which I say, do you even pay attention?

Think about DIO throughout SDC - what do we actually see him do before the final battle? He’s reading, he’s studying, he’s relaxing, he DOESN’T WANT TO BE BOTHERED.

He isn’t even the one sending out his assassins at first - the Tarot enemies are all Enya’s employees, she dragged those homicidal maniacs together. It’s only after all of them are defeated that DIO sends out HIS followers, the Glory Gods.

DIO wants his minions to take care of this because it’s low key stressing him out and he Doesn’t Need This Shit Right Now. He’s SO CLOSE to doing his ritual, Pucci is waiting for himin America, they have PLANS, and now these Joestar bastards are in Egypt?? What the fuck??? Can they like, not??? Is there any respect left for the ‘Do Not Disturb’ signs you hang on the door handles??

Basically, SDC catches DIO at a really bad time because he’s just in the middle of something big and it all just comes in to crash his plans, but there’s a lot about him that can be discerned from the final battle, and that is one of my favourite aspects of him, which is also very closely tied to his idea of Heaven; KNOWLEDGE.

DIO was really REALLY confident at the start of the battle, because he was convinced he had more knowledge about the Joestar group than they did about him, and knowledge was supposed to be his greatest weapon.

You can tell how paranoid and stressed out he becomes once Jotaro breaks that idea of him Knowing More and starts moving in stopped time. One of my favourite scenes in the final battle has got to be the ‘Is Jotaro Really Dead?’ scene, in which DIO acts like a paranoid wild animal, he acts like a cat who has his sights on something, but is not 100% sure if it’s safe to come close.

This paranoia is a HUGE factor of why he wants Heaven, aka Peace of Mind, and he is fully aware that he has this issue.

Another one of my favourite moments happens to revolve around his paranoia, that being the moment in Stone Ocean which shows us that it’s preventing him from fully trusting even those who are the most devoted to him, such as Pucci;

What we’re looking at here is DIO speaking to someone who is essentially the closest thing he EVER had to a friend, someone he admits he feels truly relaxed with, and yet even with this man he’s unable to shake off the paranoia he feels.

DIO really doesn’t know true inner peace, even in a situation that he himself described as being one that’s making him feel at ease.

Now we finally get into some bigger Stone Ocean spoilers regarding the stand of the main enemy of that part, Pucci - the same stand that DIO tried to obtain.

Here’s basically what the ritual-obtained stand, Made in Heaven, does;

It speeds up the time of entire universe to bring it back to a point where it started the spin, with everyone still alive just as they were (except the people who the stand user kills), but this time everyone has a vague idea/knowledge of what will happen next, because everyone essentially witnessed the future.

Now, assuming that DIO’s Made in Heaven would do the same thing as Pucci’s did, here’s what this tells us about DIO:

He is SO PARANOID that the thing that gives him the most anxiety and unrest, the thing he wants to get rid of, is the same that all of us take for granted:Not knowing what will happen next.

DIO wants to obtain peace of mind by getting rid of that ‘problem’ of an unknown future and making EVERYONE know what’s inevitably coming next, but he’d be the only one who would be able to change it. That’s his ideal world.

DIO’s insanity was born from his wish to achieve peace of mind.He wants to get rid of his anger and paranoia, but his idea of the solution to those feelings is absolutely demented and unfathomably convoluted.

Basically… it’s something that only be thought up by a megalomaniac vampire who was left deep underwater for 100 years in a claustrophobic coffin with only the corpse of the only man he ever respected to keep him company.

#jjba meta #dio brando #jojo meta #jojo's bizarre adventure #stardust crusaders #stone ocean #jjba #jojo #Anonymous

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the-truest-sentence-i-know · 4 years ago

Text

it is a terrible thing to be alone

Fandom: Chronicles of Narnia

Pairing: Edmund Pevensie x Caspian X (Casmund)

Summary: aka the four times Edmund missed out on love, and the one time he didn't

Word Count: 8.5k

ao3 ||| ff.net ||| wattpad

one

The first time was in his first year at boarding school, age ten. School was hard for him – the social aspect at least. Children can be mean to the point of cruelty and Edmund hardened himself to withstand it all.

But then there was William Massey. Where Edmund was all bristling sharp angles with an even sharper tongue, Will was soft and smiling. He dealt with bullies with a dignity that Edmund – knuckles bruised by previous interactions – could not help but admire.

So they became a team, partially out of need and survival, but also because of a string between them, invisible, but always taut.

And between sneaking out at night and stifled laughs and silent looks and the adrenaline that overcame the fear sometimes when being chased by bullies, Edmund began to understand what the older boys meant about ‘fancying someone.’ And when this realization came to him – as they stood panting in a broom closet as footsteps thundered past, grinning at each other – he was afraid Will could tell. He feared that he would be able to sense the way his chest fluttered a little differently when Will grabbed his hand to pull them out into the hall and sprinting off in the other direction.

He was afraid the other boys or teachers would tell as well – by the way his eyes lingered just a little too long on Will’s shining blond hair or his deep brown eyes.

Because, while he was not entirely sure on the specifics, he knew that this was bad, that he should not feel what he felt.

“Are you alright?” Will asked one day during gym class. “You’ve been acting a bit odd.”

Edmund felt panic rise in his chest but shoved it down with an eye-roll. “What do you mean?”

Will shrugged. “I dunno.” He looked at him with more intensity than Edmund thought he could handle. “You just…” He tipped his head to the side, then shrugged again. “I dunno.”

And Edmund tried to act normal, as not odd as he could. But the more he tried, the more he overanalyzed every action and word and look.

On his bad days, he was irritable.

On his good days, he thought – or, hoped – that Will felt something too.

His good days became few and far between.

One day, after provoking yet another fistfight with another boy, Edmund returned to his dorm from detention, where Will was waiting for him. They sat beside each other on the floor.

“Why’d you hit him?” Will asked finally.

Edmund shrugged. “I was angry.”

“At him?”

“No. Just angry.”

Will nodded and looked over at him. “That’s going to be a marvellous bruise,” he said, lightly touching the skin around Edmund’s left eye.

Edmund flinched at his touch.

“Sorry,” Will said quickly. “Did that hurt?”

“A bit.” It was an understatement. What hurt more than the growing bruise was the ache in his chest that had told him to flinch in the first place – an ache that combined his feelings for Will with the fear, frustration, and, frankly, disgust with himself. Inside him, Will had become associated with so many negative feelings, it was difficult to just see him as he used to, as the blond boy who was determined to not stoop to the bullies’ methods.

Will redirected his gaze to Edmund’s hands, which twiddled nervously in his lap. “Did you bloody your knuckles again?” he asked, reaching out to grab his wrist. “Or are they just bruised?”

Edmund pulled his hand away and quickly shot to his feet, turning away from Will. “Please don’t touch me,” he said, running a hand through his hair. His breathing was shaky and his hands a little sweaty. Every negative word he had heard associated with his feelings screamed in his brain.

“Ed, what –?” Will asked, laying a hand on his shoulder.

Edmund spun around, pushing Will’s hand aside. “I said, don’t touch me!” He pushed Will, but harder than he had intended, sending him sprawling onto the floor.

He expected Will to stay down, to look up at him with betrayal in his deep brown eyes. If he had done that, perhaps Edmund would have felt sorry quicker. Perhaps things would have gone differently.

But he didn’t.

Will, who had avoided every fight all year, clenched his jaw and sprung to his feet. “What is wrong with you?” he snapped, an edge to his voice the Edmund had never heard before. “I’m trying to help.”

“I don’t need your help.”

“Since when? We’ve been friends all year, Ed. What’s changed?”

With the feelings for Will had come the actions – the little excuses to touch him, to be around him. Edmund was terrified he might do something out of line, something observable, something not allowed. So he did something he would get good at – self-sabotage. “Maybe I realized I don’t need you.”

“No wonder you have no other friends, do you chase everyone else away too?”

And then Edmund did the other thing he was good at: he punched Will, square in the jaw. Will stumbled back a few paces. He looked at Edmund, looking angry and betrayed and confused about why Edmund was doing this. “Well, congratulations,” he said, bringing his fingers to his lower lip to see if it was bleeding – it was. “You now officially have no friends.”

After he slammed the door behind him, Edmund sank onto the floor, tears pricking his eyes. He no longer had to worry about doing anything that wasn’t allowed, but at what cost?

two

The second time was in Narnia, a handful of years after the coronation. Edmund was a young man, growing into his position and earning the respect of every person he met.

One of these people was Zuhair el-Tahir, a nobleman from Calormen who often accompanied trade delegations and was close with the Calormene ambassador in Narnia. He had an open, friendly face, an eye for art, and a love of philosophical conversations.

He and Edmund would spend hours walking in the gardens together, discussing a wide range of topics. He was keen in a quiet way, soft words piercing to the core of a topic. Edmund loved the way he spoke, his slight accent curling the familiar sounds into something new.

And, of course, Edmund would practise his Calormene as well. Zuhair was a patient teacher, and when he laughed at an oddly constructed sentence, it was a kind laugh.

One day, Edmund returned from one such walk with Zuhair to the sitting room he and his siblings shared.

“And how is Zuhair today?” Susan asked as he came in.

“He is well,” Edmund said, walking over to where she and Lucy sat on the couch having tea. “He told me the most fascinating thing about –”

“You call everything he says fascinating,” Lucy interrupted. She mimicked Edmund, “You won’t believe what Zuhair told me today. That reminds me of something interesting Zuhair said.”

“He’s an interesting person, Lu,” Edmunds said rolling his eyes.

“I swear, you spend more time with him than with us,” Lucy said.

“Are we talking about Zuhair again?” Peter asked, entering the room. “Has he replaced me as your brother yet?”

Edmund rolled his eyes again. “You guys are the absolute worst. The one time I actually have a friend and you won’t leave me alone about it.”

“Of course, we’re happy you have a friend,” Susan said in a gentler tone.

“It is, however, our prerogative as your siblings to tease you about it,” Peter added with a grin.

Although he knew what his siblings said was all in good fun, it sometimes made him remember that first year at school. It felt like such a long time ago, but some memories were still clear in his mind.

And the more he thought about it, the more he realized that perhaps what he had felt for Will was similar to his friendship with Zuhair. In fact, he was quite certain that his feelings for him were at least a mix of platonic and romantic – if not more.

Edmund had tried to avoid romance; he considered it distracting from his duties, and besides, it was not like he was lonely, he had his siblings. There had been interested parties, either fathers on behalf of their daughters, or women themselves. He had turned them all down – as kindly as he could.

He was sure they were all very nice and may have made good wives and queens but had just not thought that was what he wanted. He had not felt for them the way he thought he should about a prospective wife

But Zuhair was different. His vibrant formal clothes and light makeup that Calormen sometimes wore at important events would make Edmund’s knees weak. He looked forward to every opportunity to spend time together. Every touch gave him a secret thrill, just as they had so many years ago. But there were more touches now.

Calormenes tended to be more affectionate, more comfortable with physical touch, even between men. Edmund had learned the common greetings; embraces and kisses on the cheek were common.

While it was nice to be able to interact like this with Zuhair, it also complicated things for Edmund. Actions that he would have associated with more romantic feelings did not mean the same in Calormen. He was not sure of Zuhair’s feelings and was afraid that he might someday misinterpret something and not only ruin their friendship, but also throw a wrench into Narnia and Calormen’s relationship.

But even with all these fears – and the vague memories of the apple-cheeked blond boy from his past – Edmund began to suspect that his feelings were not one-sided.

One evening, as they walked on the parapets of Cair Paravel, he was feeling particularly confident and asked, “So, is there any young lady back home anxiously awaiting your return? You have been here for a long time.”

“Are you growing tired of me, Edmund, that you ask me this?” Zuhair said with a smile.

“Of course not, I am merely curious.”

“My father expects me to marry the Tisroc’s grandniece.” Edmund tried to hide his disappointment, but Zuhair continued. “But I have no plans to do so, so I am afraid your majesty will have to tolerate my presence a while longer.”

“Good,” Edmund said. “I quite enjoy tolerating your presence.” He searched Zuhair’s smiling eyes hopefully.

“And you?” Zuhair asked. “I heard the Lord of Muil returned home unsuccessful in obtaining your hand for his daughter. How many is that? Thirty-seven?”

Edmund laughed. “That sounds a bit too high to be correct.”

They stopped at a spot that overlooked the countryside surrounding the castle, all forests and fields and farms.

“Did none of the many, many ladies catch your eye then?” Zuhair asked. “Or were your reasons for refusing political?”

Edmund looked over at him, trying to see if he was asking what he hoped he was. “It was not political,” he said, slowly. “I… I was simply not interested.”

Zuhair nodded, looking at him intently. “It was the same for me back home. Here, as well actually. None of the ladies interested me.”

They were dancing right around it now, and Edmund felt like he could not breathe. He did not want to get his hopes up, but, by the Lion, it seemed quite obvious.

He tried to think of something to say, something charming with a hidden meaning. But his mind was blank, so he quickly cleared his throat. “I should be going. Peter – he uh, wanted to talk to me about… something. I’ll, I’ll see you at breakfast tomorrow.”

And he very nearly ran off, leaving Zuhair standing alone, slightly confused.

Edmund closed his bedroom door behind him, leaning against it. He closed his eyes and tried to control his breathing. But all he saw behind his eyelids was Zuhair looking at him intently, waiting for him to confirm something he had never told anyone, something he had never even said out loud.

He certainly was not ready now, since the mere prospect of telling even his closest friend had sent him running.

Edmund arrived at breakfast the next day to find Zuhair’s chair empty.

Lucy noticed his confused expression. “Zuhair left for Calormen late last night, something urgent apparently. I assumed he’d told you.”

He shook his head. “I suppose he must have been in a hurry.”

“Are you alright, Ed?” Lucy regarded him with concern.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he said absently.

“Your Majesty?”

Edmund and Lucy turned to see a pageboy approaching them with an envelope.

“El-Tahir Tarkaan asked me to give this to you at breakfast, King Edmund,” he said.

“Thank you, Leo,” Edmund said, taking the letter. He turned to Lucy. “I had better read this now, my apologies to Peter, Su, and the lords and ladies.”

Lucy nodded and Edmund hurried out of the room. He did not open it until he was safely in his study, with orders to the guards that he remained undisturbed.

Dear Edmund,

I apologize for my hasty departure, but I feared I may have crossed a line with you. I am not normally so frank and straightforward with my feelings. I hope you can forgive me for my lapse in judgment.

I realize that what I implied is not accepted by many, in both of our countries.

If you desire it, we will never see each other again. But I would like to say one last thing: If my assumptions about you were correct, I hope you will be able to someday trust someone with that part of yourself, if not with me then someone else. It is a terrible thing to be alone.

Farewell, my good friend,

Zuhair el-Tahir

Edmund sat back in his chair, tears forming slowly in his eyes. Zuhair’s last sentence had struck him in the core and all that time of hiding, of shame, of loneliness, seemed to suddenly come out into the light. He felt seen in a way he never had before.

He quickly pulled out a piece of paper, a pen, and an inkpot. If he hurried, the letter could catch him before he got to Archenland.

Dear Zuhair,

Please do not apologize for your words. You were correct in your assumption, but I was not quite ready to admit it yet. Perhaps in writing it will be easier.

I want you to be the person I trust this with, so I beg you to please return.

I anxiously await your response, either by letter or in person.

Sincerely yours,

Edmund Pevensie

Letter in hand, he rushed out to find his most trusted messenger. “Go after Zuhair,” he said. “and give him this.” He added, quieter, “I trust your discretion with this message.”

She nodded. “Of course, Your Majesty.” She hurried off toward the stables, nearly running into Peter.

“Ed, there you are!” he exclaimed. “The White Stag has been spotted in Lantern Waste! We’re going out to hunt; the girls are already in the stables!” His eyes shone with excitement.

Edmund nodded. It would probably be good to distract himself from waiting for Zuhair’s response. “Very well, let’s go.”

three

The third time was a crush, really, not a lot more. Edmund had been happy to return to Narnia since it was the place he had started to feel like himself again. But it was a very different Narnia they had come to – a Narnia where Zuhair had been dead for at least two hundred years.

So while he and his siblings all mourned the losses of their old friends and acquaintances and old life, he mourned, for the second time, what could have been. He had often imagined having stayed home from the hunt, Zuhair returning to Cair Paravel, and them living their lives, while likely in secret, at least together. Instead, Zuhair had likely returned to find Edmund and the rest missing. He wondered if he had returned to marry the woman his father had chosen for him or had eventually found another man.

In his time back in England, Edmund had learned to accept who he was and the things he felt. It was a slow, almost imperceptible process, but by the time they were sitting on the train platform before being pulled away by magic, he found that his shame had lessened remarkably.

And then they were thrown into a war – a brutal, bloody one that seemed hopeless – to put Caspian X on the throne.

Caspian reminded him of Zuhair a bit, in appearance at least. He had long black hair and his olive skin was a few shades lighter than Zuhair’s. And, of course, he was younger, but so was Edmund now.

As a person, Caspian was different. He had a quiet fury about him. His royal upbringing made him calm and dignified, but Edmund could see what bubbled beneath the surface: anger at what happened to his father, outrage at the plight of the Old Narnians, and determination to set everything right. He held a lot on his shoulders and Edmund, remembering what it was like to suddenly be king at a young age, felt he understood him.

He thought Peter was too hard on him. Although they were technically the same age, Peter had more experience.

And though Caspian was a natural leader, Peter expected too much of him sometimes, and Edmund could see that it irked Caspian how he sometimes treated him like a child.

Just as he had in the old days, Edmund became the mediator, and thus spent a lot of time talking to Caspian, trying to make peace between him and his brother.

“Your brother can be immensely infuriating,” Caspian said. They were up above ground – Caspian always seemed to gravitate toward open air after an argument with Peter.

“Yes, I know,” Edmund said patiently.

Peter’s words still hung in the air, ringing in both their ears. You invaded Narnia, you have no more right to lead it than Miraz does! You, him, your father; Narnia’s better off without the lot of you!

“But you don’t,” Caspian said. “You’re brothers, it’s different.”

“I ruled under him for fifteen years, Caspian,” Edmund said. “I know.”

The argument had been a variation of the one they had been having for over a week. Peter wanted to attack Miraz’s castle, while Caspian didn’t Edmund thought both of them had a point, but since Caspian knew their enemy and was technically the leader, and Peter had more experience and was well-respected and admired by everybody, they never fully came to an agreement. Today it had turned personal, and Edmund knew they had both taken it too far this time.

Caspian looked at him curiously. “What was Narnia like in your time? I’ve heard stories, but you were actually there.”

“I think we should probably focus on the present,” Edmund said. “If you don’t recall, we are in a war.”

Caspian laughed dryly. “I’m sure Peter and I will make up again, we always do. I want to know about the kingdom I want to restore this country to.”

Edmund sighed and sat down beside him, letting his feet dangle off the edge. “It was… light,” he began. “I don’t think people called it the Golden Age just because that’s what you always call good times, but because there was no real darkness. There were tensions and even battles with other nations, but nothing like this.” He looked at Caspian. “You can’t expect your rule to be like that. The defeated Telmarines may grow restless, they may try to rise against you. There will always be tension there.”

“You’re certain we’ll win?” Caspian said after a moment of quiet between them.

“Lucy is certain will win,” Edmund said with a smile. “And she tends to be right.”

“It must have been difficult to leave,” Caspian said.

Edmund nodded. “It was. Lu and I had lived in Narnia longer than we had in England by the time we left. It was our home.” He thought of Zuhair. “Does Narnia still have contact with Calormen?”

Caspian shook his head. “We know of it, but since Archenland wants nothing to do with us – understandably – no one has been there in a long time.”

“It’s wonderful there,” Edmund said. “Much warmer than Narnia. The language is fascinating, and the clothing and architecture are so different.”

“I must make sure to establish a relationship with Calormen then, as well as Archenland.”

“They are a valuable ally and trade partner.”

They were quiet for a moment. “Very well, you may make peace between Peter and me now,” Caspian said, touching a hand to Edmund’s knee. “Try and convince me that storming my uncle’s castle is a good idea.”

“It isn’t,” Edmund said suddenly.

Caspian stared at him. “What?”

“I think you’re right.”

“But your brother –”

“Is more experienced in battle, I know,” Edmund said. “But you know the castle, you know your uncle. You’ve told us that the castle only has one way in and out, and the gryphons can only carry one person at a time. If something goes wrong, which, let’s face it, is likely, we could lose a lot of people.”

“That’s what I’ve been saying,” Caspian said. “But if that’s what you think, why aren’t you telling Peter that?”

Edmund hesitated. Why did he go to Caspian first? “Peter said some things that were out of line. You were angry. I wanted to make sure that you were alright.”

Caspian looked at him curiously. He exhaled and smiled faintly. His features softened in a way that they hadn’t in weeks, and as Edmund noted how his eyes looked lighter out in the sunlight, he realized why he had come to Caspian first.

“Thank you,” said Caspian, his voice gentle. “But you should really talk to Peter, he’ll listen to you much more than me.”

“Right,” Edmund said, standing up. He started to go back underground but turned back. “For the record, I think you’ll be a great king and deep down, I think Peter does too.”

Caspian nodded and Edmund just managed to pull himself away from his deep brown eyes. This was really, really not the time.

The rest of the war passed in a flash and Edmund tried very hard to not be distracted by Caspian. He tried to ignore how Caspian fought like a thunderstorm, blades flashing like lightning and a roar rumbling at the back of his throat. He tried to quell the surge of pride in his chest when Caspian refused to kill his uncle, thus deliberately showing how he would be a different, better king.

And when they rode victorious to the Caspian Castle, he tried not to think about how they would probably have to leave soon, and he had not had the chance to sort out his feelings, much less say anything to Caspian.

So he didn’t say anything.

The evening was spent dining and dancing, reminding Edmund of their coronation all those years ago. And of course, Caspian was a good dancer. Edmund watched him spin first Susan then Lucy across the dance floor. His graceful movements were so much different from the hacking and slashing swordsman he had grown to know.

Lucy finally dragged him to his feet to dance. “Are you alright, Ed?” she asked, face flushed. “You look like you’re a thousand miles away.”

Edmund smiled. “More like a thousand years.”

She nodded, understanding.

Some time later, Edmund noticed that Caspian was missing from the main party and set out to look for him. He found him in a side hallway, looking out a narrow window. Joining him, Edmund saw that the window was pointed east, toward Cair Paravel.

But instead of looking at the rolling nighttime countryside, Edmund looked over at Caspian. He looked more earnest, more mature now. The fury in his eyes had died a bit and he looked at ease.

“Tired of the party already?” Edmund asked.

“I just needed some air.” He turned to him. “How long will you and your siblings be staying this time?”

Edmund looked out the window, avoiding Caspian’s eyes because if he saw what he hoped to see in them, ignoring the growing warmth in his chest would get a lot more difficult. “I don’t know.” He glanced briefly at Caspian. “Has Peter said something?”

Caspian shook his head. “I know you have your own world, but I wish you would stay and help while everything is settled.” He exhaled a laugh. “That makes me sound selfish, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Edmund said. “I wish we could stay too.”

“We’ll go.”

Edmund felt his stomach plummet at Peter’s words. “We will?” He had thought he would have more than a couple days of peace in Narnia before having to leave.

“Come on,” Peter said, looking solemn and slightly sad. “Our time’s up.”

He glanced over at Caspian, who looked like he was trying to hide how crestfallen he was. Edmund probably was not doing as good of a job of hiding it, because Susan nudged him and said quietly, “Don’t worry Ed, you and Lu will be coming back.”

It was not as heartening as she meant it to be. The last time they had left and come back, Edmund had missed an opportunity he could never get back. And it looked as though history was going to repeat itself.

But there was nothing he could do. So, he shook Caspian’s hand firmly, just like Peter, and wished him all the best.

And he forced himself to not look back, as they walked through the doorway, only forward, toward England, and school. It was just a crush; he’d get over it.

four

The fourth time was when Edmund realized he had not, in fact, gotten over it.

The painting in Lucy’s room felt like a cruel joke. It was a very Narnian ship, as they had both observed upon arrival, and Edmund was not sure whether he would rather sit looking at it all day or avoid it at all costs.

For in addition to its very Narnian-ness, it reminded him of a conversation he had had with Caspian.

“Were the Lone Islands a part of Narnia?” Caspian asked. The challenge to Miraz had just been drafted and Emperor of the Lone Islands had been among Peter’s titles.

“Are they no longer?” They stood in one of the many passageways of Aslan’s Howe as Edmund waited to leave to deliver the challenge.

Caspian shook his head. “Telmarines have always feared the water. That is why the castle is built inland and the forest was allowed to grow wild. No one has gone out to sea in… years.” He looked pensive.

Edmund sensed there was a story there. “Who were they?”

“Seven of my father’s closest friends and allies,” Caspian said. “Miraz sent them out to sea to get them out of his way. None of them ever returned.” He smiled sadly. “Even so, I have always been intrigued by the idea of sailing.”

The look in his eyes after he said that was how Edmund imagined he would look on a ship. Eyes focused on a faraway spot, slight smile on his face.

So when, after being barged in upon by Eustace, the painting began to move, Edmund thought he was imagining things. Until Lucy gasped. Until sea spray hit him int eh face, bringing him farther back in his memories, to sailing on the Splendor Hyaline.

That was when he began to hope. As the bedroom was engulfed in water and slowly transformed into open ocean, he hoped that this time, Narnian time would be kind to him.

Then the ship was bearing down on them and several sailors had dived into the water and Edmund realized, at about the same time as Lucy did, that there was a possibility they did not wish them well. He swam desperately, pulling his arm out of the grip of a man he didn’t recognize. From somewhere to his right, over the splashing of Eustace, he heard Lucy’s surprised voice, “Caspian?”

His heart stopped as he heard Caspian’s response, clear as day. “Lucy?”

“Ed, it’s alright,” Lucy called out, although he had already stopped resisting his rescuer. “It’s Caspian!”

He didn’t get a good look at Caspian until they were on deck. His soaking clothes clung to his skin, his shirt especially leaving nothing to the imagination, so much s that nearly made Edmund look away in modesty. He looked more than a year older than the last time they had seen him. Edmund suspected that more than a year had passed in Narnia. Caspian had never been a particularly shy or overly uncertain person, but he was much more comfortably confident now. As they went through introductions and explanations, he saw how Caspian interacted with the crew and felt that surge of pride again. Caspian had grown into his title, and it fit him perfectly.

In days, it was as though Edmund and Lucy had been on the voyage all along. There was no stiffness or awkwardness with Caspian, Drinian or the rest of the crew.

And Edmund decided that he liked peacetime Caspian. While he had admired Caspian’s strength and determination in wartime, this Caspian laughed more, an utterly joyful sound that sent a nervous stutter through Edmund’s chest.

It was some of the most relaxing time Edmund had spent in Narnia. He and Caspian sparred, bodies close and hearts thumping, and swam in the waves, wrestling and trying to push each other under, and when the sun set, they looked up at the stars. He and Caspian soon found that the Telmarines had created new constellations which were different from the ones he had been taught as a young king. They stayed up into the early hours of the morning, exchanging the legends they saw told in the skies.

And so, they would lay, side by side on the deck of the ship and on various beaches, not touching, but close enough that if either shifted they would briefly brush arms. Edmund would stare very deliberately upwards, and a moment of silence would pass between them before their conversation continued.

When they finally went to bed, hammocks swinging next to each other, Edmund would try not to overanalyze everything that had happened since arriving.

“And have you managed to find a wife in those three years?”

“No, I have not,” A small, maybe coincidental, possibly entirely imagined, glance at Edmund.

Drinian’s knowing looks following them, as though he could see into Edmund’s heart.

Lucy’s ever cryptic observations springing up when Edmund least expected them. “You seem different, Ed.”

“Well, we’re in Narnia,” he said quietly. “We’re always different in Narnia.” She had always been observant, good at reading people.

She nodded. “It’s a good different.”

And every look Caspian gave him, every word they exchanged, was locked in Edmund’s memory, pieces of evidence in the essays he composed to convince himself of the thing he didn’t believe possible. He wished it were like a puzzle or a math problem that if he got all the pieces he needed in the right spots, he would see the answer, the big picture.

“What is the name of your country again?” Caspian asked one evening as he, Edmund, and Lucy sat around the uncompleted map of the Eastern Ocean.

“England,” Edmund said.

“What’s it like?” he asked.

“Boring,” Edmund said at the same time as Lucy said, “Different.”

Lucy smiled. “What Ed means is that there isn’t a lot of sword-fighting or sailing ships.”

“Are there different weapons?” Caspian asked. “Or is there simply no need for them.”

Edmund and Lucy exchanged a look. “Oh, they’re needed,” Edmund said. “We have guns,” he said with some distaste. “They can kill a man from a distance and do more harm than arrows.”

“I’m surprised you speak of them like that, Ed,” Lucy said. “Given that you tried to lie your way into the army.”

Caspian looked at Edmund. “Why would you have to lie your way in?”

“Because our dear Edmund,” Lucy said teasingly. “is not yet eighteen.”

He rolled his eyes. “Shut up, they would’ve let me in had you not busted me.”

She sighed. “Honestly, you’re almost as bad as those boys who only enlist to impress their sweethearts.”

“Well, there’s nothing like a man in uniform,” Edmund said.

“So, no sweetheart to impress then?” Caspian asked, his gaze a bit more intent now.

Edmund realized with a start that it was very important how he answered this question. So, of course, he stammered his way through it. “Well- I am not really, erm, interested in the girls back home.”

Lucy looked at the two of them. “Well, if you two are going to spend the rest of the evening discussing the pros and cons of Narnian versus English girls, I think I’ll take my leave.”

Caspian was still looking at Edmund and panic overtook him as he realized he was – once again – not ready to answer the question in his eyes. So, he rose quickly, with Lucy. “It’s getting late.” As if to mock him, the clock struck seven. “I should get to bed. Goodnight, Caspian, Lu.” He tried to keep his pace reasonable as he exited and hardly breathed until he was lying in his hammock. He groaned and pressed his pillow over his face. Wonderful, he thought.

When Caspian came in, some time later, Edmund pretended to sleep. He heard his footsteps stop at his side and stay there for a long moment. After a long moment of silence, he heard him sigh quietly and then murmured, “Goodnight, Ed.”

It took everything in him not to open his eyes to see Caspian’s expression right then. And as Caspian walked to his hammock, Edmund regretted not having done so. Maybe that had been the final piece of evidence he needed.

Caspian’s boots hit the ground with a thump and his hammock creaked as he lay down on it. Only then did Edmund risk a peek through his eyelashes, and he saw Caspian looking up at the ceiling with his brow slightly furrowed, and an odd mix of sadness and hopefulness in his eyes.

And as Edmund drifted off to the swinging of the ship, he wondered if perhaps his wishes had been right after all.

He and Caspian kind of danced around each other after that, only speaking when in larger groups and never interacting with only the two of them. Edmund hated it, but he wasn’t sure what to do about it. A layer of awkwardness had come between them as they both watched each other carefully.

Lucy noticed, because of course she did, and after a few days, decided she had enough. She dragged Edmund from a conversation with Reepicheep (“Sorry, Reep, important family business”) and Caspian from his daily exercise routine – which Edmund had been both avoiding and finding excuses to witness. Lucy, displaying remarkable strength, pulled them into the captain’s cabin and shut the door.

She turned on them, hands on her hips. “Have you two had an argument or something?”

“No,” Caspian and Edmund said at the same time. Then they glanced at each other and quickly looked away.

Lucy narrowed her eyes at them. “Well, whatever this is, you two need to sort it out, and I will sit outside the door until you do.”

“Lucy, please be reaso-” Caspian said.

“No, Cas,” Lucy interrupted. “I am being reasonable. You two need to be on good terms with each other for this journey to succeed.” She spun on her heel, left the room, and closed the door behind her.

Caspian sighed and sank into a chair. “It’s like she doesn’t even know I’m the king.”

Edmund exhaled a laugh, sitting across the table from him. “You’re basically a part of the family,” he said. “So, you’re Lu’s brother before you’re her king.”

He smiled. “I did not expect that acknowledgement to first come when I’m locked in my room like a naughty child.”

They were quiet for a moment as Edmund stared at the table

“So, should we make up some mundane argument and tell Lu that we’ve worked past it?” Edmund asked, finally meeting Caspian’s gaze.

“I would actually like to know why you’ve been avoiding me,” Caspian said.

Edmund blinked. “Me? You’ve been avoiding me.”

“No, I –” Caspian sighed. “Okay, so we’ve both been avoiding each other.” He looked at Edmund meaningfully. Expectantly.

And that was when the destructive urge reared its ugly head again, after being held in check for so long. “Yes,” Edmund snapped. “I have been avoiding you because I didn’t know how to say this to you.”

Caspian sat back a little at his outburst. “Say what to me?”

“This expedition you’re on.” His mind was racing, trying to piece together an argument. “What’s the point, really? What benefit does Narnia gain?”

“My father’s finds were capable advisors,” Caspian explained calmly. “I know they would help me rule Narnia well.”

“Would they?”

Caspian was so taken aback that he simply stared at Edmund.

“Because as far as I know, every Telmarine ruler before you were not a friend of the Old Narnians, so who is to say your father’s friends would be any different?”

“I could convince them,” Caspian said, trying to regain his hold on the conversation. “They’ll listen to me.”

“Like Miraz did?”

When Caspian’s jaw clenched, Edmund knew he had hit a nerve, and although it was what he intended, he felt the guilt of bringing up such a sensitive topic.

“My uncle was a power-hungry tyrant,” Caspian’s voice was tense, like a clenched fist, only just holding back. “there was no reasoning with him.”

“Or maybe you simply weren’t capable.” Edmund’s tone was straightforward, not overly cruel, one he had perfected in his past years of both spymaster and negotiator for Narnia.

Caspian rose slowly. “Do you think you would be a better ruler, you and your sibling who run off to your own country when things get hard?!”

Edmund was on his feet as well. “That’s not true!” His fist banged on the table.

Caspian was walking around the table to him. “You only ruled for fifteen years, hardly enough time to fully stabilize a country after a hundred years of tyranny.”

“That was an accident,” Edmund nearly snarled. “And we came back to help you.”

“Only when I called,” Caspian was right in front of him now, their height difference glaringly obvious. “And then you left, when I needed you. I had a family again and you left me.” His voice, so deliberate and controlled before, was now on the edge of breaking.

Edmund looked up at his deep brown eyes that now swam with tears and something in him shifted. This argument, meant to hurt Caspian and push him away, had somehow cathartically pushed them closer together than ever.

He gently, cautiously, lifted a hand to cup Caspian’s cheek, thumb brushing away a tear that had escaped. Caspian’s entire body seemed to sigh at his touch. “I didn’t want to go,” Edmund said, the gravel in his voice surprising him.

“I know,” Caspian breathed, ghosting a hand over Edmund’s forehead, pushing his hair out of his face.

And as though they possessed one mind, Edmund stood on his toes a bit and Caspian lent down a bit, and their lips touched just a bit before they pulled away. The tender look in Caspian’s eyes, however, sent Edmund up for more and they kissed for real this time.

Caspian held Edmund’s face in his hands like he was afraid he would break, and Edmund gripped Caspian’s collar like a lifeline, and the kiss was everything they needed it to be: a half-made promise wrapped in a lot of hope, backed by conversations in torchlit tunnels and one to three years of longing.

When they broke apart, they looked at each other, mouths half-parted in wonder and surprise.

“I suppose we can tell her we’ve made up,” Edmund said, breaking the intensity for a moment.

Caspian’s laugh at that sounded like it had been trapped in his chest for too long. He leant down and pressed his smiling lips to Edmund’s again.

“I’m sorry I said all that,” Edmund said, more seriously. “I was just afraid of telling you the truth.”

“What truth?” Caspian asked with a small grin.

“That I’ve been wanting to do that since I saw you tackle a soldier off a horse in battle that one time.”

Caspian shook his head, smiling. “We will need to talk about what this is, but for now, we must tell Lucy we are now on good terms.”

“Very good terms, in fact,” Edmund said, kissing him again.

The next few weeks were some of the happiest of Edmund’s life. Between the battles and new islands to explore, he and Caspian would sneak off together whenever they could. They found spots where no one came, the space behind the food rations, the galley at night when the cook had gone to bed, and – when truly desperate – the lowest levels of the ship.

Except they had never spoken about their relationship which Edmund was secretly grateful for. Any talk about what they were would lead to a talk about the future, which had the looming threat of his return to England.

So instead, they took all of the time they could together, both with the knowledge it would inevitably end, but never acknowledging it.

Edmund was feeling better than ever, more confident, less in his head. “Good morning, Drinian,” he said when he ran into the captain one morning, hair slightly mussed and Caspian’s scent on his skin.

“Might I have a word, Your Majesty?” he asked.

Edmund sobered. “Is everything alright?”

Drinian pulled him aside. “Your Majesty,” he began. “You know I have a lot of respect for you, however, I am concerned that your relationship with Caspian may do more harm than good.”

Edmund blinked, he thought that no one had noticed. “What do you mean?”

“I am not blind,” he said dryly. “I know what happens on my ship. And normally, I would not disapprove, Caspian seems very happy. However, I understand that you and your siblings never stay for long.”

There it was again: the ticking clock that swung above their heads like a hypnotist’s prop.

“I am merely concerned for Caspian’s heart at your departure,” Drinian finished.

Edmund nodded but didn’t know how to respond. “Thank you for being frank with me, Drinian. The problem has been on my mind and I am grateful Caspian has around him those who care about him.” And with his diplomatic phrases at an end, he quickly took his leave with a nod to Drinian.

He had just made his way to the bow when Caspian appeared. “Good morning, darling,” he said quietly, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek.

Edmund looked around the still mostly empty deck. “Someone could have seen that,” he hissed.

Caspian shrugged and smiled at the bright blue horizon.

“You’re in a good mood,” he commented, joining him at the railing.

“So were you, two minutes ago,” Caspian said.

“Yeah.”

He looked at Edmund. “What is it?”

“Nothing.” It really was nothing; if they worried about Edmund’s eventual departure, they would ruin their time together. So Edmund smiled at Caspian, a real, soft smile that he hoped expressed everything he could not say.

Then came Ramandu’s Island. Throughout their conversation with Lillandil, Ramandu’s daughter, Edmund noticed the way Caspian looked at her and felt a slight twinge of jealousy. Once their objective was clear – sail to the end of the world and leave Reepicheep there – and they had cast off again, Caspian pulled Edmund aside.

“I know you’re cross with me,” he began.

“I’m not cross with you,” Edmund said.

“Well, I’d be cross if you looked at Lillandil like I did,” Caspian countered, a little confused.

“I’m not cross,” Edmund repeated. “I quite like her really. I think you should take her up on her offer to go to Narnia with you.”

“What? But she was clearly implying –”

“Yes, I know what she was implying –”

“Do you want me to marry her, Ed?” Caspian’s question was quiet, but that did not take away from its bluntness.

“You could do worse,” Edmund shrugged. “She’s pretty, well-spoken, has friends in high places…”

“I don’t understand.” His eyes were almost too much for Edmund to handle. “I care about you, Ed, and I don’t want to marry a woman I only just met, I –” He sighed. “I lo –”

“I’ll be going back soon,” Edmund exclaimed, panic rising at the almost declaration. “I don’t want you putting all your hopes on me when we both know I’m not going to be here much longer. I’m only suggesting you make plans for the future. You will need to marry and provide heirs and you were clearly attracted to her, so –”

“Is this jealousy then?” Caspian asked, who had looked at Edmund nearly dumbstruck has he spoke.

“No,” Edmund said. “It’s me being realistic and a good advisor. I’m not saying her specifically, but someone. Someone you can get along with, someone you can trust.” He sighed and pressed his palms to his eyes. “I was hoping we could just bask in ignorant bliss until the very end, but…”

Caspian laughed. “That doesn’t sound like us.”

Edmund looked at him and smiled. “No, you’re right. It doesn’t.”

So while the last couple days aboard the Dawn Treader were not quite as filled with secret smiles and sneaking into dark corners, the understanding between them was like a sturdy, but no less soft mattress – not as decadent as a plushy surface but much more practical.

Both set about memorizing every bit of each other, and although it was never acknowledged, both knew what the other was doing. So when Caspian ruffled Edmund’s hair on deck and commented how much it had lightened since his arrival, and Edmund watched how Caspian’s dark eyes flickered in candlelight, it was a reminder of how although they knew their time together would come to an end, a version would always stay. For the rest for their lives, Edmund could see Caspian, the seafaring king looking out at sea, and the lover in dim light, and Caspian could see Edmund, eyes flashing defiantly in a fight or the thoughtful tilt of his head.

Side by side in the rowboat, arms straining with the oars, Caspian and Edmund rowed closer and closer to their goodbye. They walked up the smooth beach towards the towering wave, Aslan’s presence blanketing them comfortingly.

And they did not ask if Edmund could stay, for they knew the answer.

“This is our last time here, isn’t it?” Lucy asked tearfully.

Edmund’s hand grasped Caspian’s without turning his head.

“Yes, child,” Aslan’s sweet, deep voice rumbled. “For you and your brother, it is.”

Too soon, it was time for goodbyes. Edmund threw his arms around Caspian, kissing the corner of his mouth for a split second as he passed. Caspian held him close. “I love you,” he whispered.

The words didn’t scare Edmund this time. “I love you too.” They pulled away, the sturdy understanding in their eyes.

Edmund led Lucy and Eustace toward the opening in the water. Only once they were inside did he turn back. As the water closed over the entrance, he took his last look at Caspian, who stood tall at Aslan’s side.

When they finally left their Aunt and Uncle’s, Lucy and Edmund had one last look at the painting. After having been on the real thing, it seemed to have lost its magic. Or perhaps that was simply because it was no longer a door to Narnia.

Among all the regrets and wishes that piled up in Edmund, a prominent one was that he would never get to see the king Caspian would become. He would have been very happy to know that his favourite Caspian – thriving, happily exploring new islands – became the Caspian known to history: Caspian the Seafarer.

the one time

Although Edmund was younger when he died, Caspian went first. He was an old man, his dark hair turned grey and his skin rippled like the ocean. He had lived a long life, and though it was not without tragedy, its was an overall good one.

Upon his arrival in Aslan’s country, he felt different: stronger, less frail. He felt young again, but in a more idealistic sense. He knew without trying that this body could run faster, swim farther and lift heavier things than he ever could while alive.

He saw his father and mother again, and his wife – who was more his best friend than lover – and those he had known and those he had only ever heard of. But through all this happiness, he kept looking for something. Someone.

“Is Edmund not here yet?” he asked Aslan.

Aslan shook his large head, mane ruffling in the breeze. “Not yet, my child. Recall that time is different in their time and yours. He is still a young man.” His eyes sad and Caspian did not dare ask further.

Edmund was still a young man when he left his world for the last time, and it had only been a few years since he last trip to Narnia. The train ride was already fading in his mind when he arrived.

His siblings were with him, and the other friends of Narnia. Aslan greeted them. “Welcome home, my children,” he said.

They had all gone to explore, but Edmund hung back for a moment, uncertain. “Aslan,” he asked. “In Narnia, how long –?”

“Yes, he is here,” Aslan answered his unasked question. “He has been waiting for you.”

Edmund’s heart leapt and he had run a few steps before turning back. “Thank you.”

Aslan nodded and smiled slightly. “Go on, my child.”

Nearly tripping over his own feet, Edmund ran until he found himself on a beach. The sand was warm under his inexplicably bare feet. Waves rolled gently and the wind carried the salty spray toward land.

And there he was, walking toward him. Caspian, barefoot and bare-headed, not dressed as a king, but a sailor.

All the hurry evaporated from his chest and Edmund walked towards him at a regular pace. There was no need to rush, they had all the time in the world. So when they reached each other, they took a moment to look, seeing the eyes and freckles and hair and smiles that had frequent appearances in their dreams.

“Gotta say, I’m relieved you’re not old,” Edmund said finally.

Caspian laughed and pulled him close, foreheads touching and his hands cupping Edmund’s face.

And when they kissed, it was not desperate or hurried or anything that their previous kisses had been. It was not an end, or even near an end.

It was a beginning.

#casmund #narnia #edmund pevensie #caspian x #edmund x caspian #caspian x edmund #casmund fanfic #narnia fanfic #fanfiction #chronicles of narnia #king edmund the just #my writing #ao3 #ff.net #wattpad #wattpadlife #amwriting

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archivingspn · 4 years ago

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Variety “‘Supernatural’ at 200: The Road So Far, An Oral History”

(...) Eric Kripke (Creator): For me, the core notion behind “Supernatural” was to make a series about urban legends. I think they’re this incredibly rich mythology about the United States, and no one had really tapped into that, so when I started as a writer, one of the first ideas I ever pitched was an urban legend show.

A couple years later I tried to pitch, basically, a “Scooby Doo” rip off of a bunch of kids travelling in a van dealing with these urban legends. It was an idea that I never let go of and kept throwing there every couple years. Finally I had a deal with Warner Bros. and that incarnation was a reporter. Frankly, it was a rip off of “Nightstalker,” but I really fleshed it out and it had mythology.

I took it to Susan Rovner and Len Goldstein at the studio and they said, “We love the idea of doing a horror show,” which no one was really doing on TV at that time, “but we’re not into the reporter, that feels really tired. So no thanks and let’s get another angle.”

So in this moment, when they were basically passing on my idea, as you often do in these kinds of rooms, you start tap dancing. And I said, “forget the reporter, we should do this show as ‘Route 66,’ two cool guys in a classic car cruising the country, chasing down these urban legends,” and literally right on the spot I said “and they’re brothers,” because it popped in my head. “And they’re dealing with their family stuff and they’re fighting evil.” You just start making it up as you go. They were like, “Brothers, wow, that’s a relationship we haven’t seen on TV before.” And from there, “Supernatural” was born… out of a piece of improvisation.

Peter Roth (President, Warner Bros. Television): Eric [had] been with us since about 2002. Sometime in 2004, he came to us with this idea… this extraordinary road show about these two brothers, in which they would be living all of the great urban and rural myths that [we’re all] exposed to as kids. It was a very commercial idea, emotionally driven, which was what I was most concerned about: who are the characters? Why do I relate to them? Why are they worth my while to watch? And once we cast Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki, along with Eric’s great idea, along with the script, along with David Nutter, our director on the pilot, the combination of those factors is what made me so excited and I frankly knew, from the moment I saw this pilot, that it was a winner. There wasn’t a person who I work with who didn’t feel the same way. It was a real strong story of young adult siblings that resonated perfectly with The WB audience.

Kripke: When we were casting, you see a lot of people. We hadn’t found our Sam and Dean. David Nutter suggested Jensen because we knew him from “Smallville.” We met with him to play Sam, and we fell in love with [him]. And then Jared came in, and he was a really great Sam too. Looking back, we were such idiots to not see it… We had two great Sams and no Dean and you think it would be obvious to put one into the other role, but it was not obvious. So we [went] to Peter Roth and we said, “We’re not sure what to do,” and Peter was like, “why don’t you make Jensen Dean?” We all looked at each other like, “we’re idiots, of course.” It’s so difficult to find one actor who is charismatic enough to be a breakout character and to support a show. So to find two of them, where there’s only two leads… I didn’t realize what a miracle it was at the time. It’s a miracle. (...) Jensen Ackles (Dean Winchester): It was just immediate chemistry. There was an ease to it. There was a familiarity to it. Once we got into it with each other, it just fell in place and it came… not easy, but definitely a little easier than my experiences in the past. I think the importance of that bond and that relationship was verbalized by Kripke when he sat us down and said, “this begins and ends with you,” and not only how we relate to each other on screen, but also off screen. There was an importance stamped into [that bond] very early on. (...) Padalecki: (...) It was definitely a huge learning process, not only for myself, learning the character of Sam Winchester, but I think we didn’t have a grasp on what we were doing. The original tag line was monster of the week, like “X-files” meets “The Twilight Zone.” And we had these very famous urban legends about Bloody Mary or the Hookman, but ultimately you’re going to run out of those.

Singer: Eric talked about the five-season plan… I don’t know if he secretly had that in mind and was just not sharing it, but initially Eric wanted campfire stories. And the mythology really started to evolve in the first year. We didn’t exactly know where we wanted to go, and I don’t even think Eric knew exactly where he wanted to go

Kripke: If I’ve said in the past that I had this five year plan from the beginning, I was lying. I always knew what that particular season was going to be; “by midseason I want to be here, by the end of the season I want to be there.” And then I always had a rough sketch what the season after that would be. I will say I knew that the show was going to come down to evil Sam versus good Dean and the fate of the world was going to hang in the balance — that was baked into the pilot. I wanted to build it to something that felt conclusive because I didn’t want these mysteries and mythologies to stretch on forever.

Sera Gamble (writer, executive producer): We were realizing the thing that we most enjoyed when we were watching cuts of the show was the chemistry between the brothers, and that the mythology we were constructing for the season was really a family story about two young men and their father, and this family legacy that they’re trying to deal with. That was the heart of the show, and if we paid attention to how each monster story resonated with the relationship between the brothers, then the show was always really interesting.

Padalecki: It was right around the episode “Faith” where the writers realized this show isn’t just about what kind of monsters we can kill but what the brothers can go through together. And I think luckily we stuck with that theme on through the end [of season one], where we reintroduced our father into the storyline. And we get some sense of what the father is willing to do for the sons and what the sons are willing to do for each other. And so it became this story about sacrifice and loyalty and family and friendship [within] this medium of the supernatural and ghosts and ghouls.

Gamble: It’s not like we sat down to write “Faith” and we said, “we’re going to write the game changer.” We just wanted to find a really human, emotional way into a story about faith healing. We had these different elements of the reapers that we wanted to bring into the show and the phenomena of faith healers in the history of America, and it ended up being a story that was really personal and kind of philosophical… From that point forward, everyone was hungry to do more stories that had an aspect of the personal and the metaphysical. (...) Singer: Eric’s phrase was “smoke them if you got them,” where we would just try to tell the best stories we could and be as provocative as we could. We felt that this had a long-term mythology, so ending with kind of a very dramatic cliffhanger just seemed the right thing for us and that all seemed to work out for us. (...) Padalecki: Season two is the season where we realize dying doesn’t mean you’re dead, beginning with Dean who died — so to speak — in the first episode, and culminating with Sam who died in the last episode. Unlike season one where we were figuring out what this show was about, who these characters were, season two we hit the ground running.

Ackles: The interesting thing that Kripke did with the first several seasons is he flipped character motivations from season to season. With the first season you had Dean as the motivating factor: he was really pushed by his father, dragging Sam along against his will. Then as Dad dies, the whole thing is flipped upside down. Now Dean is like, “I don’t want to do this anymore.” Dad was his motivating factor in life and [after] he lost him, it was a devastating blow and Dean just wanted to hang it up. And Sam was the one who was like, “no, we’re going to go find answers to this. I have to figure out how I play into this,” and Dean went along with him because he couldn’t let his little brother go it alone. (...) Gamble: It was really fun to kill Sam. You don’t very often get to kill the lead character. One of the really fun things about “Supernatural” is that you get to kill whoever you want, and it’s part of the evil genius of Eric Kripke. From pretty early on, he understood the power of doing the unexpected thing to the character the audience thinks is safe. He fought hard, and he was always someone who, in the room, would push us to not get precious with a character, to not try to save someone because we think they’re amazing. If we love them, we’ll bring them back in some other form. Because we had a plan to bring Sam back, we got to write the super-emotional scene with his brother that we knew that Jensen would knock out of the park, and both of them knocked it out of the park. (...) Singer: I think Bela didn’t quite turn out as good of a story driver as we might have wanted, although we loved Lauren — we thought she was terrific in the part. But we started pinning ourselves a little bit in the corner [with her as] Dean’s nemesis, like, “how often can she best Dean without assassinating our lead character?” If she would’ve been on three times a year, I think that character could’ve really served a purpose going forward. Ruby served a better purpose and that pushed the mythology into a different area. But we were a little flummoxed because you say, “what do we do? We can’t have two women just sitting in the back of the car with these guys.”

Gamble: I think Ruby in the long term was a more successful character than Bela, but we all really enjoyed creating Bela in the room, especially Ben Edlund, who wrote some really cool stuff for her. Not every peg will fit in every hole in the show. You don’t get Castiel one hundred percent of the time. If you follow any show for long enough, you’ll notice some places where they corrected the course, and we learned a lot from writing those two characters. I really like a lot of the stuff that we did with Ruby. It’s really cool to have a character that’s played by more than one actor, and it’s such an interesting characterization of a demon. (...) Kripke: I think the truncated season actually ended up helping the mythology. We were a little aimless as we had just lost the Yellow-Eyed Demon, the great big bad, and we hadn’t introduced a new big bad yet. Because we had less episodes, we had to focus quickly on what was really important: Dean’s deal with the demons and the fact that he had a ticking clock and that he was going to get dragged down to hell. (...) Kripke: If you had asked me in season one, were there going to be angels in Supernatural, I would have said “absolutely not, you’re fired.” Up to that point I always felt like I didn’t want any supernatural good guys in the show. If there was any force of good, it was going to be Sam and Dean, and they were going to be overwhelmed and outgunned. And as we were kicking towards the end of season three and we were doing lots of demon stories, I was worried that we were overplaying the demon stuff. But the idea that angels could be dicks and that they didn’t have to be this warm fuzzy helpful force, they could actually be a really interesting antagonist, once I kind of realized that, I said, “I’ve never seen that depiction of angels on television before.” It wasn’t just these two boys versus all these demons; it became Sam and Dean trapped in the middle of this massive war where you had two sides battling, and humanity, represented by the boys, were caught in the middle, so how do they play both sides against the other? It balanced the mythology in a way that I think made it much more satisfying. (...) Kripke: I’m the first to acknowledge that the idea really came from graphic novels. It came from “Preacher”; it came from “Hellblazer,” which has now become “Constantine,” which is why Castiel wears a trench coat. There’s a reason why Castiel looks exactly like Constantine — it’s because I ripped off Constantine. But I had no idea it was going to be a show at the time! It was funny, as I went into the writers’ room at the start of season four, having thought about it I said, “okay guys, this season we’re doing angels.” And they were like, “What? You asshole!” Because there were so many angel stories that were pitched earlier and I would literally shame them out of the room whenever anyone pitched an angel story, and now I’m presenting it as an entire mythology. But it worked out.

Padalecki: I think season four was really the turning point for the show, and really set the new parameters for what the show is still about to this day, most notably with the introduction of Castiel.

Ackles: This was when “Lost” was on the air, “Heroes” was on the air, these giant mega hits. I remember Eric taking issue with “Lost” because they kept asking questions and never really giving answers. He was against that method of storytelling and said, “no, I’m going to ask the question and I’m going to answer it. And maybe the audience doesn’t like the answer, but I’m most certainly not going to string them along just until I come up with some sort of a solution.” That’s one of the reasons why, from season to season, the bar just kept getting raised and the supernatural world kept getting bigger, almost to the point where it was incomprehensible to the Winchesters. I think we really saw that when the introduction of angels came into play, and then it became something far greater than things that go bump in the night… It was a leap of faith. I wouldn’t have had the confidence to do something like that, but I think it panned out. And now we have one of the most loved characters of the series still with us today.

Collins: I was supposed to be on for three episodes, and they said, “Oh, you might do five episodes,” so they added a couple more, and then they added three more after that… Then they signed me up as a series regular and they kept me on for two years, and then they said they were going to kill me and that we would never see me again in season 7. And then they changed their minds again… I was joining the show the beginning of Season 4. I kind of assumed that that was the tail end of the show. I think everybody really thought that the show was going to be over at the end of Season 5 at that point, which was Kripke’s original vision, so it’s very strange to still be here. We are obviously counting ourselves lucky that the show has run so long. (...) Kripke: The movie “Stranger than Fiction” had just come out. And so it started with a really innocent single episode pitch: what happens if Sam and Dean realize that they’re characters in a book; that they find a book that is detailing their entire lives? And then it would give us an opportunity to really poke fun at what we’re doing in “Supernatural,” and that was really fun for me. [Then] somebody said, “well what if he’s a prophet of the lord?” We jumped all over that idea and it really tied into this mythology. It was our first serious meta episode.

And once we introduced him, I thought it was so funny and smart, and you just want to start doing more of it. That’s how I think a lot of the insanity in “Supernatural” emerged. Because we couldn’t repeat ourselves with Chuck: if you’re going to see him again, it better be at a fan convention. Every single time, Bob would say to me, “this is the one where we’ve gone too far.” And then after one of them I responded, “don’t you see? We can never go too far, there is no too far.” (...) Kripke: The thing I remember most about that season was how exhausted I was going through it… I knew I wanted some sort of apocalyptic ending where evil Sam had to fight a good Dean. One of the things that was really hard about that season is, it’s one thing in season four when you’re promising the apocalypse: Is it going to happen, can the boys stop it? It’s a whole different matter when you’re saying in season five, “okay, the apocalypse is happening,” because you still are on a budget. There’s an incredible amount of off-camera, “oh no, there’s been an earthquake!” stuff on the news. It’s really difficult to mount something of that scope. (...) Ackles: To look at the five seasons, to step back and look at that all as one story… it was a massively grand finale and it was like Game Seven of the World Series, and I just don’t know how you can go on from that. I think Eric thought the same thing. He was like, “I’m throwing out my last pitch and I’m taking off into the sunset,” and that’s what he did, but it had become such a hit that the studio and the network were like, “no, guys, you have to keep going.” (...) Gamble: We thought season five would be the last season. But pretty early into [it], Eric came to me and said “signs are pointing toward a season six,” and he was ready to move on and asked me to step in. And he came to me really early because there was a tremendous amount of learning and training and coming behind the curtain to see what he and Bob were doing that had to happen.

There was part of me that was just, lovingly, super pissed at Eric. I was like, “do we have to do this after the apocalypse? We literally burned the story all the way to the apocalypse. We have to start over and find a whole new classification of villains, so what the hell are we going to do?” But we had several months to ponder that. We had a great writers’ room, and everybody put their heads together, and Eric, to his great credit, stayed with the show, and was very active in constructing season six, and was incredibly helpful to me, personally. He was instrumental in figuring out what we were going to do next. It was like a reboot.

Kripke: I read every script. And then once Sera was comfortable in the gig and the studio and network were comfortable, I backed off. And from then I would define my role as a parent who sends their kid off to college. I’m extremely proud. I’m there if they need me… And it was never me running the show alone. It was always me and Bob Singer, and Bob has always been there. So there’s been true continuity. People say “Supernatural” has had different showrunners and it hasn’t. It’s actually always had the same showrunner, he has just had different partners over the last decade. (...) Gamble: The good thing about “Supernatural” is some things always remain the same. It’s always a story of two brothers, always a story about that family. It is always a story about the people who fight the things that go bump in the night, and there is always a structure that has an overarching mythology that gets solved piece by piece over the course of a season. That engine is pretty solid. I think one of the first conversations was just, “so we did heaven and we did hell, and oh, there’s a purgatory.” It started from that simple examination: “What is the mythology that we’ve been mining, and what else is in there that we haven’t talked about yet?”

You’re on a show for years and years, and you watch the actors grow up. Sam did not look like little Sammy was just out of college anymore. He was a grown-ass man; Jensen was a grown-ass man. They were adults, and they were men who had been through a lot, so the stories have to evolve, become more mature. They have to be about the problems that people would have in their adult lives, and that’s really how we were approaching these things. We were looking for problems that were not repeats of the problems they were having when they were 17 or 22. (...) Kripke: Once we were able to pull off “The French Mistake,” and Sam and Dean were actually able to go and become Jared and Jensen making an episode of “Supernatural,” I think Bob saw that there’s no such thing as too far. If you can pull that off and not destroy your show, you can truly do anything.

The season also saw Castiel drifting further away from the Winchesters, as he was unwittingly manipulated by Crowley in his quest to try and prevent a war among the leaderless angels. By the end of the year, after absorbing thousands of monster souls from purgatory, Castiel became corrupted by his newfound power.

Collins: I loved it. If for no other reason than Cas became God at the end of season six, which has always been a fantasy of mine, personally. There’s a very elite cadre of actors that ever get to [do that]. I think it was a great way to make the character a big bad. I was sorry to see myself killed off shortly thereafter in the beginning of season seven, but glad to see myself resurrected a couple episodes later. (...) Singer: We came up with this Leviathan idea: How do a group of monsters who want to take over society go about doing that? And the logical answer for us was, they insert themselves into the fabric of society in powerful ways — that’s what happens with the pharmaceutical companies, it’s what happens with government. It just seemed like an easy place to go and really be able to say something on a week-to-week basis. [We were] changing up what we were to try to make it interesting, and we feel if it’s interesting to us, we hope that it’s interesting for other people… Doing a season that was kind of political with these different monsters that we hadn’t seen before, I thought was pretty bold, and by and large a good season.

Gamble: The price of success is that you have to really be hard on yourself to keep the stakes high in a show like that. How do you keep the stakes high after you’ve faced the demon that kills your mother, angels, the apocalypse? The way that we found our way into that is by keeping it really personal. If it’s about Bobby, it will mean something to the audience, because Bobby means so much to the boys. (...) Ackles:(...) That was a huge blow to both the Winchesters because this was a surrogate father figure who had become their anchor, had become their home, and now they once again lost that pivotal character in their story. And so, once again the rug gets whipped out from underneath them and all they’re left with is each other and they’ve got to keep on going. I think that was a really important season because of not just losing Bobby, but look what it did to the story and the direction that it then sent the boys off in.

Padalecki: I thought season 7 was going to be the last season of “Supernatural,” while we were filming it. We’d gone so big with the Leviathans and it was yet another departure from our normal canon. There were times I thought we strayed a little bit; our big bad of the season was Dick Roman [James Patrick Stewart] and there were times I thought there were one too many dick jokes, every now and then I felt like we were straying off-course, but the fans stuck with us and I think that season we introduced Kevin Tran [Osric Chau] who stayed with us for a while, so we said goodbye to a few characters, we met a few new characters. (...) Jeremy Carver (writer, executive producer): When I came in, it was a pretty open canvas. A lot of things had wrapped up. The biggest issue was that Dean had been popped down to Purgatory, and what do you do with that? But because there wasn’t an ongoing mythology we had to worry about, we could really let our minds roam and I came up with that main idea of [Dean] becoming best friends with a vampire and then saying, “What if Sam, for once in his life did something that ran contrary to what the world at large — and when I say the world at large, I mean the fans at large as well — thought he should do?” For me, that was a really thrilling tack to take, just because it felt like fresh snow. From a story standpoint, it felt like Sera left lots of opportunity.

And then [there] was this idea of, these guys have been together for so long, at a certain point… they need to – I hate to say “mature” because that sounds like they weren’t mature in the past, but… mature in the sense of really exploring what it is to be their own person. And that’s what was really behind Sam not looking for Dean at the beginning of season eight. It wasn’t so much me taking over as it was like, “let’s put these characters in situations that make sense but feel risky for them as characters.” One thing I really wanted to do was to put a different kind of spotlight on these guys. (...) Ackles: One of my most favorite storylines was Dean in Purgatory. If there was one storyline that I wish would’ve dragged out much longer, it would’ve been that one. I would’ve liked to have seen more of what Dean was up against in Purgatory and how he lived and how he existed in that realm and among those things down there and how he was able to survive. And he befriended Benny [Ty Olsson], who I thought was a great character… I was sad to see [him] go when he did.

We’ve lost so many good characters on the show, but that’s one of the reasons why the show is compelling to people, because we do take risks…if there’s a fan favorite character that now could easily be an integral part of the story, we bring them in and then we kill them and it’s shocking. If we can continue not just to entertain people, but to shock them and to make them feel the spectrum of emotion, from joy to loss, then I think we’re doing our job as storytellers. And I think season eight was a good representation of that.

Padalecki: Ultimately, “Supernatural” is really a show about two brothers and their relationship and their struggles and their loyalties and their sacrifices, and so I knew in my heart of hearts that even though season eight started out with Sam having gone off to try and live another normal life with the character of Amelia (Liane Balaban), I figured it was a way to remind both the audience and the cast and crew what the show was about. I thought season seven might’ve gone a little off the reservation, but in a strange way, by steering even further off the reservation and having the brothers not even be involved with each other [at the start of season eight], it really reaffirmed for everybody what the bread and butter of the show is, which, in my opinion is the relationship between the two brothers, so it was a nice rekindling and repartnership of Sam and Dean. (...) Padalecki: My favorite part of season eight was the introduction of the Men of Letters. I was so excited to play this smart character, and I really got a chance to delve into that in season eight. I remember with the introduction of the Men of Letters – like I said, in season seven I thought we were maybe coming to an end, and then I read the episode with the Men of Letters and Henry Winchester played by the wonderful Gil McKinney, and I thought, “holy crap, we can go for another eight years.” And it was nice to have a home again. We had burned Bobby Singer’s home down a season prior, and that was our only standing set on “Supernatural,” and so to have the Men of Letters bunker to refuel and research and gather our bearings as characters and actors was a really welcome addition to the show, and I feel like the Men of Letters storyline has really worked wonders for and breathed new life into the show these past couple seasons. (...) Carver: The notion of Sam being possessed by an angel was originally Bob Singer’s idea. He threw it out there between seasons and said, “what if to save Sam’s life you had to put an angel in him?” It came from the same cloth of, “what if Dean had to rely on a vampire to escape from Purgatory and they became bonded over that?” You have to make do with the friends that are in front of you. Then we started to just flush out the character of Gadreel, who was originally Ezekiel, and that was one of my favorite characters we’ve done over the last couple of years, just because he felt very fleshed out and very empathetic. And Tahmoh was just wonderful because he has this bearing that is manly and unfamiliar all at once. He really dug into that role. If I remember correctly, Jared actually performed as Tahmoh before Tahmoh had even said a word of dialogue. So there was a leap of faith there on the part of Jared, who did a really spectacular job of portraying two characters, and he really embraced it. I was very happy with the way the whole Ezekiel/Gadreel story worked out, and how it all reflected back on the boys and their relationships. (...) Castiel finally became human in season nine — a trajectory that seemed to be a long time coming, after the angel’s powers began to dwindle in season eight.

Collins: That was something that I, as an actor, was looking forward to from the beginning — I kept on hoping that they were going to let Castiel become human for a while, and they finally did, and it was great. I think he had three or four episodes as a human; I wish we’d had a little longer in that realm, because I feel like there was a lot of good material to mine there, but the experience that he had being human made him much more empathetic towards humans, and I think that experience definitely left a lasting impression on him. He, I think, understands some of the subtleties of human interaction a little bit better. He is a little bit more savvy and definitely a lot more empathetic. But being more empathetic also makes him question himself more, have more doubts. He definitely is less cocksure as he moves through life, and he sees the gray areas and both sides of the story a little bit more than he used to.

Dean, meanwhile, became the unwitting recipient of the Mark of Cain, a brand that enables the wearer to wield the First Blade, a powerful weapon – but also saps away their humanity. Dean struggled to control his darker impulses as a result of the Mark, and after dying at the end of the season, found himself resurrected by the power of the Mark and reanimated as a demon, neatly paralleling Sam’s own descent into darkness in earlier seasons.

Carver: In this case, it was [writer and co-executive producer] Robbie Thompson coming up with the idea of Cain [Timothy Omundson]. And I remember him pitching this idea of the Mark of Cain. At the time he pitched it, I remember thinking, “I don’t know exactly where this is going to fit into the overall mythology, but it’s a wonderful thing to plant,” which we do all the time. One of the dirty little secrets of the show is that after we come up with something and it works out really well, we say, “hey, it’s almost like we planned it that way.” Sometimes things are just happy accidents. You try and draw out that roadmap, and then the writers are coming up with all these incredible, creative things. Cain just felt like such a no brainer, to the point where you’re wondering, “why haven’t we had this character in our world before?” We had referenced him before but hadn’t seen him.

But when [Robbie] talked about the Mark of Cain and putting it on Dean, it was something to plant like, “we’re definitely doing this and we’re going to figure out how to make this work as the season goes on,” which is exactly what happened. I’d like to say from the very beginning that we knew [Dean] was going to be a demon, but we didn’t. We had all these ideas of where Dean would go, but sometimes it’s peanut butter and chocolate and it takes a few episodes actually to realize the tools you have right in front of you.

Ackles: If you look back at the majority of series, it really hinges on Sam’s character. That’s the way it was originally intended, that’s the way it serves the story best, but every now and again the spotlight got flipped and turned on Dean, and I think we’re seeing this again with Mark of Cain. That was part of the setup for just very dark and troubled Dean.

Season nine was one of the more difficult seasons that I personally had to deal with, and it was because of not just the weight of the storyline, but because it was so Dean-centric. I was on set pretty much the whole time while everybody else was enjoying their vacation. It was just a lot of weight and a lot of darkness in my world last year, but we got through it and I think it made for some good story and I think it made for a good setup of where we’re going this year… I really enjoyed the twist at the end of last season when we think we lost Dean yet again and lo and behold, an unlikely character comes in and brings him back to life. So I have to give it to Carver on that one, when I read it I was shaking my head with very happy approval, because I knew that was now another massive situation that Sam and Dean are going to have to deal with. And how they [were] going to get out of it, I was anxious to see.

After Dean returned from death as a demon at the end of season nine, Crowley took his newly minted BFF to “howl at the moon,” but their bromance was shortlived – Sam saved his brother and restored Dean’s humanity in the third episode of season ten. So where do the brothers go from here?

Padalecki: Sam, with the help of Castiel, has saved Dean from being a demon and has made good on his promise at the end of season nine where he said he wasn’t gonna let him go, he wasn’t gonna let him die. But Dean is still cursed or possibly forever changed by this Mark of Cain. Sam and Dean don’t really know the repercussions of that just yet; they can’t find Cain; Castiel can’t find any answers; and Crowley’s not helping. We know that the Mark is changing him somehow, Dean doesn’t want it and Sam doesn’t want him to have it, so now they have to go as far as only the Winchesters will go to figure out how to get this Mark of Cain off of Dean before he turns into something that could cause more damage than Sam or Dean have ever seen.

Carver: Dean’s not a demon, but he still has this problem; he’s still got the Mark of Cain. And in the broadest strokes possible, it’s a very, very personal year where our overarching mythology for the season is building in a very methodical, very personal manner. I think a lot of relationships…I’ll even go as far to say a lot of bromances that have sprung up on the show, are going to be tested in ways that I think are going to be very uncomfortable. Each of our characters is going to have to stare into the abyss at some point and say, “who am I?” It’s going to be pretty personal, pretty intense, and pretty surprising as we move down the road.

Thankfully, the 200th episode (airing Nov. 11), is a light-hearted departure: it’s a musical, featuring a score composed by Christopher Lennertz and Jay Gruska, with lyrics by Robbie Thompson, who wrote the episode.

Carver: It’s our love letter to the fans. Many aspects of the fandom are going to see themselves represented in many different ways and in the most loving way possible. It’s an episode that takes a long, loving look at the show, warts and all. And we’re the first to admit our mistakes or our inconsistencies, and I think long-time fans will have a lot of fun seeing where we acknowledge this one big, happy, messy family that we’re all part of.

[source]

#2014-Nov #2014:November11Variety #*SMT #*destiel #*romance #*codependency #c/m saved the show #*CCTOF #Jeremy Carver #Eric Kripke #Sera Gamble #Robert Singer #Peter Roth #Jensen Ackles #Jared Padalecki #Misha Collins #author: Laura Prudom #Variety

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danasmonster · 4 years ago

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Comparing the SKAM Remakes: SANA (Part I)

Sana (SKAM original)

Sana is constantly having to defend and explain herself to others - her friends, her family, strangers. We see this with Vilde when she says Sana can’t have sex, and Sana clarifies that by explaining that she can have sex, she just chooses not to. There is also the assumption that Sana isn’t interested in boys or that she can’t participate in russefeiring “because she’s not ‘allowed’ to drink alcohol.” We see it with her parents when she has to explain to her mom that not all aspects of Islam fit her, and with her brother when she references him discouraging her from wearing a hijab in order to fit in more and avoid stigma. And finally, she explains during her season that she has experienced watching her brother being spit on, being asked racist questions, and other rude or hateful acts because she and her family are Muslim.

The struggle to be both Norwegian and Muslim turns into a competition she gets lost in, and she ends up doing some very non-Muslim things like bully the Pepsi Max squad and lie in order to procure a russ bus. She also develops feelings for former Muslim and current atheist Yusef, which opens up an internal debate about the “Muslims only marry Muslims” rule.

With all of her bitchiness, her prickliness, her rudeness and her mistakes, I still absolutely adore Sana. She is strong, outspoken, and takes absolutely no shit from anyone. Her story is so incredibly relevant to the world as a whole because of the way a lot of people view Islam or other “restrictive” aspects/sects of Christianity or other religions. It is a reminder that ultimately we should strive to love and understand each other, whether you are a theist or an atheist, a Muslim or a Norwegian. All is love.

Everything I Love:

The opening scene with the contrast between Sana’s view from the bus with terrorist attacks and None of Dem by Robyn & Royksopp is so fun, & the look Sana gives the woman giving her a look over on the bus is pure Sana perfection

The scene when Elias called Sana a slave woman and all of his friends gave him a verbal beatdown

When we heard that Eskild was redecorating Noora’s room without her permission

The Hot in Here scene with all the Balloon Squad working out while the girl squad ogles them, and the way Sana visibly snaps herself out of her trance. Also the shot of them coming up the street with a bunch of balloons to meet the girls is iconic

The way Yousef comes over to talk to Sana while she is over in the corner being a grump on the bus - I knew there was a reason she and Isak became friends. They’re both grumpy pants.

When Sana catches Yousef dancing in her living room

The happy little look on her face when Yousef sends her a friend request on Facebook. She always smiles so freaking bright when she’s having fun with him

When Yousef showed off his carrot peeling skills

The way the Pepsi Max squad always has Pepsi

When Yousef took the rap for the vodka left out at Sana’s party, then Sana was hit with a metaphorical brick when Yousef told her he isn’t Muslim. You could see the shock on her face, and now she is conflicted because “Muslims only marry Muslims” and she clearly has already developed feelings for Yousef

When Sana and Noora drink coffee and bask in their solidarity that Vilde and Magnus are gross

When Sana and Yousef play basketball together and we see her smile - we have NEVER seen her smile like that. And then they have a heart to heart about their individual religious beliefs and it is PURE GOLD

“I just feel like Islam, or religion in general, creates a lot of anxiety in people . . . I personally feel like I’ve taken the best out of the religion and thrown away the rest. It’s like, compassion towards others, being grateful for what’s best, having compassion. That’s it. Don’t you think I can remember to be a good person without praying?” - Yousef

“For me, everything can be total chaos during the day, but the moment I start to pray, everything turns quiet and clear. Because even though there’s all this chaos, you’ll remember what really matters. It’s fine because everything has a bigger context and a meaning. Because every little part of the universe is so complex. Imagine that! Even the brain of a cockroach has greater meaning on earth. I just can’t believe all of that is a coincidence,” - Sana

Her chat with Elias was also fantastic

“What’s more important, saying you believe in Allah or behaving as though you believe in Allah?” - Elias

Watching everyone join in during “Imagine” definitely almost had me tearing up - another song added to my playlist. Honestly this scene was so sweet and touching and then everything just came crashing down. It was intense. And Sana’s face just looked freaking broken. Then when she overheard that her suspicions about being pushed out of the group because she’s Muslim were correct it was like an extra stab through the heart

The scene where she’s walking through the schoolyard was excellent - very reminiscent of Isak’s similar scene, and another way in which the two of them parallel one another

And this line is so, so true from Sana to Isak regarding why she never told Isak she knew Even before he met Isak

“I think Even should get to choose for himself how much he wants to share about his past. I mean, you might not want to share every thing about your past.”

When Sana and Jamilla have the conversation about all the different ways people fast, and Jamilla references her friend who won’t even swallow her own spit. So this friend goes around spitting all the time while she’s fasting. “She’s really confident about it, too.”

Both Sana’s expression of how she thinks the world views her and Isak’s response are very powerful

Sana: “Do you know what people think when they see me, when they see my hijab, which is the first thing they see? They think I’m wearing it because I’m forced to, not because I want to. And if I say it’s because I want to, then I’m just oppressed because I can’t have my own opinion. We talk about freedom of religion and all kinds of freedoms here in Norway, but being allowed to wear an extra piece of clothing, that’s wrong? Do you know what people do when they see Elias and I walking down the street? They spit at him because they think he’s oppressing me! He doesn’t even want me to wear the hijab because he doesn’t want me to get hate. Do you know how fucking tiring it is to walk out the door everyday knowing it’s yet another day where you have to prove to a whole country that you’re not oppressed . . . I’ve received so many dumb, racist questions in my life.”

Isak: “The dumb questions are so fucking important. People can’t stop asking the dumb questions because when they stop asking the dumb questions they start making up their own answers. And that’s dangerous. You just have to stop looking for racism in dumb questions. Even if they feel racist, it’s so fucking important to answer them.”

The Los Losers bus definitely had me tearing up

When Linn admitted to sending a used tampon to someone who flirted with the boy she liked

When we see Eskild picking up his guru mantle once more and he compares The Bible to Beyoncé . . . “The Bible says ‘The greatest of these is love’ or as Beyoncé would say ‘Love on top,’” while giving Sana advice

Noora’s face both when she saw William getting out of his car and when she got out of his after a four day sex and talk marathon

The conversation between Sana and her mom about why it is important for her to eventually marry someone who understands her beliefs and reminds her of them, not because she should be Muslim but because she chooses to be Muslim and she “would be very lonely if she were the only one in the relationship who believes.” So, whether or not she marries a nonbeliever or a non-Muslim is Sana’s choice, but there would be essential parts of Sana’s own wellbeing that would effected if she chose to go that route because her faith is an essential part of who she is.

The conversation with Noora was equally important. They may not necessarily be fated to be together, but there is a reason this person (Yousef) came into Sana’s life and avoiding him would be ignoring this sign from fate that this person is supposed to be a part of her life right now. Life is now.

When Yousef and Sana have yet another philosophical/religious discussion and Yousef proposes: “Maybe that’s why society needs religion. Democracy isn’t based on the idea that all people are different. It’s based on the idea that all people have equal worth. And that idea doesn’t exactly come from science. But I don’t think it helps to pretend there aren’t prejudices. What you have to do instead is show what Islam is.”

And The Finale!!!

When Vilde was putting on her makeup and listening to Pretty Hurts by Beyoncé, and everything else about her segment. I loved getting that glimpse into some of her life and mind for a little while. I’m still disappointed she never got to tell us her story during the original SKAM.

When Eva reminds Chris that he’s a fuckboy so they can never be together. Sure he’s momentarily disappointed and probably felt sad for a little bit, but he was really quick to move on to Emma - proving Eva was smarter than him and knew him better than he knew himself. Seriously though the scene where Penetrator Chris and Emma first see each other is fucking awesome

I LOVE LOVE LOVE that the school nurse has a big white dildo on the desk next to her while she has her chat with Chris

When we see Even stressing over making Isak’s birthday perfect

The interaction between Eskild and Linn when Eskild tells Linn she has to wear a hijab to Sana’s party because Sana is Muslim was hilarious. And then he told her they are always going to be there for each other and it got me right in the feels

And then when Eskild was proposing he, Noor, and Linn could share everything together if William moved in . . . shampoo, and William, and dish soap . . .

Then Vilde to Chris; “You know why you’re my best friend? Because no matter how hard my day is, you always find a way to make me laugh. Sometimes it makes you feel better to pretend that you’re fine.”

And the final speech!!!!

“Dear Sana, This speech is for you. And you’re getting it because what you’re inviting us to today overthrows American presidents tomorrow. We live in a chaotic world where it is difficult to understand the rules. Because why are some people poor and other people rich? Why do some people have to be refugees while others are safe? And why is it that sometimes even though you try to do something good it’s still met with hate?

It’s not weird that people give up, that they stop believing the good. But thank you so much for not giving up, Sana. Because even though it sometimes feels like it no one is ever alone. Each and everyone of us is part of the big chaos. And what you do today has an effect tomorrow.

it can be hard to say exactly what kind of effect, and usually you can’t see how everything fits together. But the effects of your actions are always there, somewhere in the chaos. In 100 years we may have machines that can predict effects of every action but until then we can trust this: Fear spreads But… But, fortunately love does too.”

I’m going to go cry now.

#skam #sanaxyousef #sana #Muslim #islam #religion #atheism #islamophobia #russ

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maxiekat · 5 years ago

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In a world full of rom-coms, when was the last time you cried over an onscreen breakup that actually stuck? No grand gestures to save the day, just pure, raw, lust and heartbreak. If you want to get so deep in your feels you forget if you’re actually heartbroken or just bleary-eyed over someone else’s love story, then you may need to subscribe to the church of Drake Doremus.

The director is known for his mostly improvised, chill-inducing romantic dramas (Like Crazy, Newness, Equals) and his latest is a tender-to-the-touch look at a modern love triangle in Endings, Beginnings, which premieres Sunday at Toronto Film Festival. Much like his previous work, Endings, Beginnings is clever and cutting, but also soft and quiet. Shailene Woodley is at the heart of the film playing Daphne, a thirty-something artist (her specialty is hand-painted tea pots, which she sells on Etsy) who recently and abruptly quit her job and ended her long-term relationship with her boyfriend (Matthew Gray Gubler, in his third Doremus film).

Looking for a hard reset on life, Daphne moves into the pool house of her much more together older half-sister. She also stops drinking, focuses on looking for a new job, and cuts men out of her life. Until, of course, she meets two men at a New Year’s Party. One’s brooding, asking her for a light of a cigarette in the most drunken and charming of ways. He’s wearing a shearling jacket, worn-in with adventures. The other’s in LA’s version of a suit — he’s put together, and looks at her with the steady intentness. Daphne should be avoiding both, but she quickly becomes enamored with bad boy Frank (Sebastian Stan), a nomad who drinks absinthe, and good boy Jack (Jamie Dornan), an academic who has a dog and dreams of moving to Europe. What starts as innocent text-flirting evolves into two full-blown relationships. Oh, and the guys are best friends.

When Stan first read for the film, he read for both Frank and Jack’s role, but what really attracted him to the heady rom-dram was Dormeus himself, of whom he’s been a huge fan. “I met him and I said, ‘I gotta tell you, I don’t know which one of these people you are seeing me as, but I really relate to both of them. I love both,’” he says over the phone to Refinery29. Stan’s in London where he’s filming the spy-thriller 355, a movie he says is “stylistically and tonally very different,” than Endings, Beginnings, but with “a couple of similarities here and there.”

“And we just got very deep. We got into relationships and being in our 30s and the world we are in right now, and all our experiences.” The vulnerability seen on-screen between Woodley, Stan, and Dornan is something special, and almost entirely improvised, based on just 30 pages of notes. Endings, Beginnings is a far cry from the big budget Marvel movies you’re used to seeing Stan in (he plays Captain America’s pal Bucky Barnes in seven Marvel movies and one upcoming spin-off series.) I was reading your Instagram post earlier gushing about working on this film with Drake. When did you become a fan of his, and why did you two think Frank was the role for you?

“I was aware of [Drake] for awhile. Like everyone else, I loved Like, Crazy, and then I also like his recent movie with Nicholas Hoult, Equals. I was also just really interested in doing a movie and improvising — because the entire movie is practically improvised. I never worked in that medium before. I got a call saying, Hey do you want to meet with Drake and talk about this movie [and] read the draft?, which was basically like 30 pages. There were two guy [parts] at the time. I met him and I said, ‘I gotta tell you, I don’t know which one of these people you are seeing me as, but I really relate to both of them. I love both.’ And we just got very deep. We got into relationships and being in our 30s and the world we are in right now, and all our experiences. Again, I didn’t really know that is where we were gonna go, but he was very honest with me and I was honest with him. We parted ways, and the next thing I knew he called me to have a session with somebody at the time that he was thinking of for the role as Daphne, and I went in and had a 3-hour improv session with him, then he called me and told me that he wants me to do the Frank role and I was fine with that.”

Only 30 pages. Everything else is improv? All the film’s dialogue?

“Yes, that is all literally on the day, in the moment, happening real-time. Basically, the script that he had was just the outline: Daphne comes out a recent relationship and moves in with her best friends. They’re having a New Years Party, and she runs into Frank who asks her for a cigarette. It was all outlines, but in terms of the dialogue and how we would get there, that was all improvised. That was an interesting experience because I had never worked that way and no take is ever the same. I walked away from that experience feeling very vulnerable. You’re not hiding behind any lines.”

The improvisation really added to the film. I left it feeling more emotional than I expected.

“We’ve all had relationships, and we know how tricky they are. They’re complex and there’s many layers. I don’t know — I have always loved romantic comedies. I grew up on When Harry Met Sally and all that, but I sometimes feel that relationships aren’t entirely depicted as messy and as raw and as painful as they are. That’s why I loved working with him because I feel like he gets to the core of situations. I’m happy to hear you related to it because that is what he wants. He wants you to go, 'I’ve had that conversation...been in that situation.’”

There’s been a resurgence in romantic comedies, but not so much romantic dramas like this. Do you think there’s a reason why?

“I love romantic comedies and there is a space for them, but [rom coms] are hopeful. Sometimes when I go to the movies, I don’t want to necessarily see what my life is. I want to be like, Hey! It’s nice to think that maybe that could be that way. If you want to be inspired, or laugh a little bit — there’s that element of it. And sometimes you want to see a movie that makes you feel less alone in your experience. A lot of European films are much closer to this, and I think Drake loves a lot of European films and is influenced by them and the personal quality. Structurally in romantic comedies, you have bigger things happening, right? Whereas [in this movie], there are big things happening, but there’s a much more subtle transition through everything.”

Frank is the “player” of the film, while Jack is the “good guy,” for lack of a better phrase. You’ve said before that you didn’t really know why you were often cast as the “bad boy.” Do you still not know why?

“I don’t know! [Groans] I don’t know. The truth is, the reason I was saying [I could play] Jack was that I talk a lot in my life. I philosophize a lot. I try to read things. Then I think about it, and then I wanna talk about it. I relate to that [aspect of Jack]. And actually, there was a lot to Frank and Daphne that we shot that was funny. They had a lot of their own back and forth, but what ended up being in the movie — I think Drake never forgot the vision that he had for Frank — [was him] being much darker than we shot. I am happy it ended up that way because there needed to be a contrast.

But I don’t know! I am glad they think I can do this. I am one of the most over-thinking, neurotic people I know. So I don’t know how it happens, but it keeps happening.”

I thought a big part of Frank also was his big shearling jacket. Since most of the movie was improvised, did you have anything to do with his outfits?

“Oh yeah, I kept that jacket, first of all. It’s a great jacket. What’s great about Drake is that he was like, ‘Hey, listen, people wear the same stuff all the time. If something works, let’s just it.’ I was like yeah, the guy probably kind of flies by the seat of his pants anyways so he just has a few things. I think I wore some of my own jeans. The boots I wore were mine. Drake definitely wanted us to wear our own stuff so we could feel comfortable in it.”

This was originally called No, No, No, Yes and ended as Endings, Beginnings. How did the title change shape the movie?

“It was always a working title. I saw that it was paired up with her experience — every no and every yes was paired to one of the relationships that she was going through. Endings, Beginnings is a little more specific. I know for awhile he was even contemplating a title that was even just made up of emojis which I thought would have been really fun.”

Oh yeah. I loved the texting aspect in this movie.

“There is an element of texting in the time period we are in, and there is this new language to it. They got it in the sense that both Jack and Frank have their very specific ways of texting. Jack probably uses punctuation, and Frank does not. [Laughs]”

You’ve worked with a few of the Big Little Lies women now. Do you have plans to work with the others like Zoe Kravitz, Reese Witherspoon, or Laura Dern?

“That has not hit me — that’s kinda funny. I don’t think I have ever met Reese Witherspoon and I’ve met Laura Dern. If the opportunity presents itself then great. I certainly wouldn’t have had a problem if there had been a role in the second season. I would have done it in a second. I loved the first season.”

I have one more that I have to ask about — obviously Gossip Girl is getting rebooted, and Chace [Crawford] said it made him feel “old,” but he’d be down. Have you thought about it at all?

“[Laughs] I don’t even… it’s so weird. Somehow a lot of people talk to me about Gossip Girl, and I always thought I was just a guest star. It was a very special show. It certainly defined those years, and we all got our start there in a way. It would be hilarious and weird and crazy. He’s right — we are old! I don’t know what business they’d have with me, but, Jesus. If there was some funny little witty thing and they called and we’re like, ‘We’re doing this thing and we have everybody….’ I’m not gonna be the asshole that says no. Maybe I’ll be in the background scooping some ice cream.”

#sebastian stan #endings beginnings #drake doremus #gossip girl #shailene woodley

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jetzelda · 5 years ago

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How Deku Became Something to be Feared

A Crossover between the Magnus Archives and My Hero Academia Centered Mostly around The Distortion Michael and Midoriya Izuku May possibly continue spoilers for anyone not through we Season 3 of the Magnus Archives or not to the Hosu Incident in My Hero Academia. Also filled with some World Building Liberties/Headcanons. Apologies for any and all grammar mistakes and and spelling errors, this ended being a binge write. There is some swearing towards the end.

Midoriya Izuku was not a stupid child by any means. Nearly every adult he had ever interacted with would agree with that assessment. But every account by any adult was always followed by an annoying add on. “For a quirkless child.” “But he’s quirkless.” “If he wasn’t quirkless.”

Midoriya Izuku learned very early on in life that “quirkless” was a label; a diagnosis that would follow him his whole life, and define every aspect of it, whether he liked it or not.

It was the label that would keep him from his dream of being a hero that saved everyone with a smile. It was a label that would ultimately lead him to the end of his life as Midoriya Izuku.

Despite his general understanding of his situation, he could not understand the Why. He fundamentally understood that anything with a description had a Who, a What, a When, a Where, and a Why. And perhaps sometimes even a How. The Who was Midoriya Izuku. The What, a Quirkless little boy. The When and Where was six years old and Musutafu respectively. The How was a little more fluid, but probably the easiest answer was born to Midoriya Inko, or one could look up a book on human reproduction if they were feeling particularly scientific or randy. But the Why was the question that haunted Izuku’s life. Why was he a quirkless little boy? Why him? WhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWHY?

It echoed in his head like a song with no melody. Growing in frequency every waking day. Every hit he endured, every well meaning but ill worded question or comment, Every step he took, Every breathe he took. It got to the point teachers reprimanded him for his lack of attention. He was so bothered by this why he could think of nothing but WHY? Clearly this question needed an answer, lest it utterly consumed him. So he began to research.

He started philosophically. Izuku would argue he was a good little boy. He did everything his mother and teachers told him too. He even did everything Kaachan told him too (Walk behind me!), well, unless it involved bullying other children. If Izuku was a good boy, this couldn’t be punishment, right? But why?

Then he shifted to biology. Genetically speaking, both his mother and father had a quirk, a minor telekinesis and fire breathing quirk respectively. Both sets of grandparents, may they rest in peace, had variations of these quirks, also minor in nature. He had a healthy genetic tree of quirks. But he did not have a quirk. Science would argue the answer was mutation. He was a mutation. But then why was he a mutation? Not a single book would answer Why?

Research of a more unorthodox nature would led him towards the origin of quirks, genetic mutations, even mutations via external sources, such as radiation. When he was getting desperate, he stretched his research into religion, past lives, sins. Not a one satisfactorily answered. WHY?

Izuku was so single-mindedly focused on his research, he was unaware of the dominoes falling around him. Bakugou Katsuki immediately noticed the boy he had proclaimed his quirkless nerd drifting away. It was subtle at first, merely Deku sitting out of their games, face obscured by textbooks nearly larger than his head. On principle alone, Katsuki would never be the one to invite him to play. It was the nerd’s job to ask Katsuki if he could join, not the other way around. So Katsuki never asked, but he did keep an eye on the nerd, because he was a quirkless nerd who would always need Katsuki to look out for him. Katsuki was reassured that the nerd was fine, though he was drifting, because Deku continued to smile. He smiled when he read, when he walked, when he talked to, well, anyone really. That stupid, bright (possibly somewhat adorable) smile. To another six-year-old that had trouble articulating his own feelings, it looked normal. Katsuki didn’t realize at the time that it was that disarming smile that made him turn his back and allowed Deku to drift away.

Midoriya Inko was a loving mother. She loved her son, Midoriya Izuku, very much. He was an absolute angel, always on his best behavior. The only thing she didn’t know how to do, was take care of her brilliant child who was deemed born with a handicap. Fundamentally she knew being quirkless was not actually a handicap. There were plenty of quirkless jobs in the world, or rather, jobs that didn’t require a quirk in any capacity to complete them. But to society, quirkless was somehow a devastating handicap. She was next to Izuku nearly every time someone spoke one of those well meaning, but ill worded comments. “For a quirkless child.” “But he’s quirkless.” “If he wasn’t quirkless.” For what was essentially a single mother raising a handicapped child in a bigoted society, she was doing what she believed was her best. And perhaps in another universe, it would be her best, with the best possible outcomes. In this universe, she read all the signs wrong. When Izuku started spending less and less time at home, she assumed he was spending it with friends. When he continued to bring home large books from the library, she thought he must be a clever boy, trying to make up for his lack of quirk. She believed her baby was adapting to his situation better than she was. So, she threw herself into her work, ensuring she would have the money to support them, and anything he could possibly need. She of course, made time for him for dinner every weekend night, a ritual he took part of with a smile. She never realized this was not the kind of support he needed. So further he drifted.

As for his school, well, the less said about them the better. The students were young and ignorant, and the staff wholly unhelpful towards a child different from all the others.

So further did the little quirkless boy drift from everything that could define his life. And the further he did drift, the more attention he did draw, but not from any mortal eyes.

The little, lonely, clever quirkless child had potential. So much potential. Surely he would transition quite nicely. However, as time went on, a few slid their interest off him. The boy seemed to have no interest is enclosed spaces, any kind of filth, or meat. And the other child drove him far from chasing, destruction, or flame. The other interested parties maintained a continued surveillance, before slowly peeling off one by one. The boy’s continued fixation twisted into a hungry desire to Know marked where he belonged quite clearly.

Midoriya Izuku never found his Why. It was confounding and disappointing and utterly frustrating. It left him feeling hollow. Like all his will and drive had been depleted in his search and without the answer he could not recharge. It was noticeable enough to his Mother that she took a couple days off work spend time with him. It was on one of these days with his mother, out on a shopping trip, he happened to pass a television with a commercial of All Might. It was a rerunning the scene he played on repeat when he first learned he was quirkless. A hero, shouldering the weight of the world with a smile. It gave Izuku pause. He may never truly know Why. But watching All Might flaunt his quirk with a smile, sparked a new desire in Izuku. Did he need to have a quirk, if he Knew everything there was about quirks?

Thus, started Izuku’s chronicling of quirks.

It was simple at first. Quite easy to mistake for hero fanboying. Notebooks neatly lined a shelf in his room, each meticulously labelled. His handwriting improved far beyond that of a six-year-old with his constant writing. It became the new normal to see Midoriya Izuku with a notebook or two tucked under his arm and an equal number of writing utensils tucked behind his ears. If there was a Hero fight within a reasonable amount of distance for a small child to travel, he would be there. He wrote, and recorded, and theorized and discerned. He filled that hollow feeling with as much knowledge of quirks he could funnel into himself.

But somehow, it wasn’t quite enough. He couldn’t put his finger on his, but it just wasn’t what he sought. Somehow, just observing, and recording, and connecting the dots in his own head, which were all skills he became quite good at, were not enough. That hollow feeling remained. And for every bit of knowledge he attempted to fill it with, it continued to grow.

It was a mundane Saturday evening, at his place of quiet for his scribbling among the towers of garbage on Dagobah Beach, when he realized that his was not just hollowness. He had visited a hero fight every day that week, with little satisfaction. Class dragged on each day like drying paint, with him opting to make notes and theories instead of listening. He sat alone in class. He left class alone. He did everything alone these days. It was that Saturday, during one of these lonely walks, that he passed the playground. It was during his passing that he overheard a conversation from two children. They were likely preschool age given that their topic of discussion was their quirks. Both had just recently manifested their quirk. One had the ability to change the color of their body’s cells, and demonstrated it by vividly cycling through the color wheel. The other had a quirk that allowed them to grow their teeth at a rapid pace, forcing each to sharpen and enlarge, until finally falling out of the child’s head, only to be quickly replaced, much like a shark. Izuku remembered all those details quite precisely, and only those details because the conversation quite suddenly stopped. It took Izuku moments to realize it had ceased because they were staring at him. He had no memory of crossing the playground to the children, but there he was, hovering behind them and fixated quite attentively on the children, or more accurately their subject of conversation. When he actually focused on them, he observed that their wide eyes were locked on his form, slightly larger than theirs, with what he easily recognized as fear. And while he logically knew he should feel guilty or concerned in some manner, he merely felt satisfied.

Izuku apologized, and left the children on the playground. Which brings us to the beach. His notebook lay at his side with his pencil neatly on top. He was mentally sorting through this new information. The beach was not as silent as it usually was. He could hear teenagers practicing quirks on the piles of garbage in the distance. He paid them no true mind though. They were irrelevant when compared to his thoughts. Somehow that verbal communication had filled his hollow feeling more than his quirk observations and notes ever had. Yet, as he also contemplated it, he felt a deeper pang in that hollowness. Something that wasn’t just hollow, but also aching, with want, with need. Something only verbal information directly from the source satisfied.

And, as Izuku’s head turned to track the sound of a teenager stumbling into his solitude, laughing up until the moment he spotted Izuku, the feeling identified itself. Izuku slowly rose to his feet with a grace he never had before. He could feel the smile curling upon his lips as he approached the teenager with feral, instinctive purpose. A sickly green light began to cast over the garbage around him, and upon the face of the teenager, replacing the color that face was rapidly losing. The wide eyes, the slight tremble of limbs, and the cold sweat on his brow was a sweet taste, but Izuku wanted to satisfy the Hunger.

His many Eyes were fixed upon his prey, and that cherub smile of his spoke. “Tell me about your quirk.”

The first was an appetizer.

The second was satisfying.

The other three? They were a scientific method.

The last one was interrupted. “A Baby.”

Time is both a simple, linear concept while also an infuriating mystery that confounds the mind. Humanity tacks as many number and concepts and labels upon what they perceive time to be to soothe their need to harness and understand it. But it never brings them any closer to understanding time. Why time feels longer to children than adults, or why doing nothing drags on but doing everything speeds up. For all they attempt, they always, in the end, admit defeat by tacking on the white flag of ‘It’s all in your head’. Which always and inevitably brings it into the domain of the Spiral and its Avatars.

The purpose of that blurb about time, is to bring some understanding to the Spiral and its Avatars’ abilities to manipulate, confound, and utterly ignore human concepts of time. It is why one Avatar of the Spiral, who was once known as Michael Shelly but continues to be known as Michael for the ease of explanation upon inferior minds, could be over one hundred years in the future slinking through the streets of Japan when merely yesterday he had been threatening the life of the Archivist. If he so desired, he could at this moment go back to yesterday and follow through with his threat a mere hour after making it, or perhaps even minutes prior to making it. But he did not desire to do either of those things.

Even if he was an avatar of insanity, insane weaving of his thread through his own timeline would likely have consequences upon his own existence. Nor did he desire to kill the Archivist, currently. Plus, the Spiral seems to desires the continued existence of the Archivist, enough to punt this particular Avatar of its out of the limelight and replace him with the Avatar formerly known as Helen Richardson.

If there were any human emotions left in this being that wears the name Michael, it may have been offended by the conclusion that it was distracted (ARCHIVISTGERTRDEJONLOOKATME). But fine. It would do as expected. It would continue on as it once had, luring prey through its doors to feed, while what wore the name of Helen got to play with the Institute.

Which explained why the Avatar wearing the name Michael stalked through this future of human evolution, in a small country foreign to what was once Michael, and hunted, for lack of a word not associated with another Entity, seeking to satiate its hunger. And also where it discovered, well, something new.

It very nearly passed the beach, dismissing it as Filth’s territory, when it felt something most decidedly not Filth. It made a hum, of what could be considered interest. A step through the yellow door, opening out of a mound of trash brought it closer. There was quite literally a trail of bodies. Adolescent human males, pale, wide eyed, and gazeless. The only sign of life was their quivering. It followed the trail to just around another pile of garbage, where he found “A Baby.”

The head of green haired whipped its direction so fast, if it were another the head may have snapped right off. Luminescent green Eyes covered the skin like glowing freckles, each fixated upon the Avatar of the Spiral. The Baby dropped its prey, another human adolescent, in the same state of the one Michael walked over. A smile was fixed upon its face, similar in nature to the Distortion’s, but obviously less unnatural on a human face. But that was all that was on the face, the smile and the eyes. It (or perhaps it was still currently a he?) very slowly tilted its head to the side, reminding the Spiral’s Avatar of a curious animal. A cat, or perhaps a puppy.

The Spiral didn’t particularly like the Eye, what with its interfering Avatars. Yet nor did it hate it though, for hating what one is connected to usually proves fruitless in the end. What was once Michael, if it still had human emotions, perhaps would admit to a fondness to the Eye’s previous Avatars, perhaps like a dog being fond of its toy, or a human infant pulling another’s hair.

But this was a new Avatar. A brand new, hardly marked Avatar that seemed to skip the indecisive, “should I human or should I become?” stage straight into Becoming. A Baby Avatar that was utterly unafraid of the Avatar of the Spiral before it.

The smile upon the distortion’s face twisted and curled. “HoW InTErestING.”

The interruption distortion was frankly hard to describe. Izuku? could both see exactly what it was, yet could not see it beyond its human suit, for if heit attempted to focus, it would shift and twitch before hisits eyes, as if heit was looking at a glitched program, or perhaps a fuzzy video that attempted to rewind and fast-forward simultaneously. It was painful, both on hisits eyes trying to perceive it, and hisits mind trying to comprehend it. What heit could make out of its human suit was what appeared to be a very tall man, towering over him, with long hair that looped and curled like spirals. The body was too thin though, too angular, with too many joints and too many bones, especially in the hands; Long, thin hands that were almost the same length of his torso, but ended in points. At least, that’s how it looked when heit looked at it when heit focused. When heit didn’t it looked quite normal.

Hisits hands released the face it was cradlinggripping holding. The teenager foodpreyknowledge collapsed to the ground. Heit tilted its head in an unconscious human motion as it analyzed the not human before himit. Heit Knew it to not be human, in the same way heit knew that heit was also not human. Not anymore. Which probably explain why hisits mind was still trying differentiate correct perceptions.

The other’s face, which was a perfectly mundane face, though perhaps with a smile that didn’t fit it when heit didn’t focused upon it, seemed to blur and morph. The eyes were sickening colors that clashed and seemed to swirl into an endless spiral. The mouth twisted and cracked and curved into a jagged, dangerous looking shape, that heit recognized to also be a smile. “HoW InTErestING.”

Even the voice grated on hisits ears and mind, somehow sounding wrong or false, yet clearly being heard and processed.

Hisits smile never faltered. “How so?”

Laughter that sounded less real than the voice echoed in and out of hisits head. “i HaVe NOt beeN prESenT foR tHe bIRth of a BABY AVATAR beForE. MereLY PerIpheRAllY pReSent DurING theiR BeCoMINg. BuT YOu Are quiTE pOsSiBLY the mOSt BABY i HavE EVer WiTnEssED.”

The way it called himit a baby was neither seductive nor condescending. It was factual. Whatever Heit was now, was in fact, the most juvenile form. A baby.

“An Avatar.” Hisits attention drifted to the many glowing green eyes upon hisits arms, and chest. Heit could perceive more than see that every inch of hisits uncovered skin was covered in the eyes, like glowing, swarming freckles. Or possibly more like Fireflies swarming under his skin. Except that would be the wrong domain, wouldn’t it? “An Avatar of the Eye.” HEIT KNEW. He tilted his head the other way, allowing his smile to stretch. “An Eye to your Spiral, yes?” Heit offered with a bit of cheek.

The air around himit shrieked and screamed with that distorted laughter. The smile upon hisits face was a near match to the one on the Distortion’s face.

“i AM quiTE cErTain I wiLL lIKe YOU.”

He decided, for the purpose of his current identity, that he would remain a He for the time being, and that he would also continue to wear the name Midoriya Izuku until it no longer suited him.

For the purposes of feeding though, he preferred to think of himself as Deku. The once cruel moniker felt more comfortable to him now than it did before. The Distortion, that offered him the name Michael, found it amusing.

He instinctively knew that he was juvenile and vulnerable currently, and that other Avatars might find him more akin to food or easy prey rather than another acknowledge him as Avatar. Michael, however seemed to deem Deku under his wing, so to speak. After introductions and a long talk, half of which Izuku spent Knowing (Because apparently that word had a whole new meaning) which were lies or truths, Michael seemed to find him utterly delightful, claiming him to be far more clever and aesthetically pleasing than previous Avatars of the Eye. Izuku believed that was Its roundabout way of calling him cute? They talked beyond nightfall, and it delivered him home through a twisted yellow door just as he Knew his mother was going to phone the police. It left with a promise to take him hunting again soon.

It felt far more mundane than it probably should have, all things considered.

He soothed Midoriya Inko’s concerns with an incomplete set of truths: he was at the beach, became hungry, and lost track of time. And that was that.

Life continued on in a manner similar to that of before (Was there ever a before?). He went to school and avoided everyone that was not his mother. And he smiled. He seemed to suddenly fall off everyone’s radars. No teachers called on him. No classmates bothered him. Every single one seemed to stop looking at him. Not even Bakugou Katsuki. Izuku was uncertain if this was his own abilities, or Michael’s. Either way, he didn’t really mind. It was almost a week later when he felt Hungry again. He was deciding what to do about it at the end of the school day when he spotted the twisted yellow door, sitting next to his classroom door as if it belonged there. But he Knew better. His classmates passed it as they exited the room, but not a single one of their eyes strayed to it. It made it much simpler for him to exit it through it unseen.

The hallways beyond the door were nauseating. They couldn’t decide what colors to settle on around him, nor were they sure if they should be lined with pictures of infinite images or endlessly reflecting mirrors. The hallways seemed quite confounded by him. Michael stood in the center, with a spiraling smile and giggles that sounded like glass shards rubbing.

“i Am UNcerTain iF anYonE hAs pASsEd THroUgh UnAfRAId beFOre.” It revealed like a child unveiling an important secret. It offered one of those long, spindly hands to him

Izuku hummed thoughtfully, carefully wrapping his small hand around three of Michael’s long, dangerous fingers. “That seems unlikely doesn’t it, with us being what we are. However, to say something like that is impossible seems equally as unlikely. I hardly think I’m the first other Avatar to pass through. Certainly a former Archivist has. I Know that. I Know a lot of things lately. But he wasn’t quite as finished as I am, probably he had more ties to humanity than he thought while I had less ties than I thought. Which is a tangent conversation really, what I’m trying to say-“ Izuku babbled as if his words were rushing out of a faucet. Michael smiled that spiraling smile, and listened to the fascinating new Baby as it guided him through the twisting halls through another door. Certainly an odd friendship by standards of avatars of fear, and yet one that worked.

Little 8-year-old Izuku the Baby Avatar of the eye, thrived under the twisted care and guidance, from the Avatar of the Spiral. They had a routine they both enjoyed. Whenever Izuku grew Hungry, he would allow Michael to spirit him away through a twisted yellow door. Their destination? Literally anywhere. Izuku got to see nearly every city in Japan, and at least the capital of every country in the world. Izuku could understand and replicate every known language after those visits, at least, every known language used in the cities. Izuku would draw them in with his baby face. Singles or couples, but never groups more than three anymore. Too much attention directed towards missing groups. It took several failures, to the great amusement of Michael, for him to figure out how to Feed in shorter bursts instead of completely emptying a head (Only one of those teenagers from Dagobah Beach woke up). He found that not emptying his prey was less filling and required more frequent Feedings. When Izuku was done Feeding, he would lure them into the Twisted doors for Michael. It was very effective and satisfying.

Over the years, they made more games of it. Who could usually lure someone to the door first (Usually Michael, because he’s had more experience and he cheats by moving the doors)? What secrets did that shifty woman over there hide? What would happen if these two men who hated each other were forced through the doors? Or how much chaos could this new information wreak? (The last two were usually Izuku’s favorites). Izuku knew logically that as Avatars, especially Distortion, they had little use for emotions anymore. But Izuku would observe himself and Michael to be very happy with their arrangements, and whenever Izuku suggested something particularly deranged or chaotic, he Knew Michael was proud, thought It would never identify that.

The crossed trails of other Avatars before. Izuku had never seen one in person yet, Michael got odd when they crossed the trails, spider web lined alleys, smoldering ruins of buildings. It would guide Izuku in the opposite directions. Izuku Knew It was wary of allowing Its Baby to meet another Avatar yet. Izuku felt a burst of warmth in his chest when he Knew Michael saw him as Its instead of just another Avatar.

When Izuku’s body finally reached 13 years old, Michael deemed him old enough to feed alone. Izuku might have found that disappointing, if he didn’t Know that Michael did have other interests. He Knew Michael had a connection that was not of the here and now, despite Michael never explaining it. He smiled at Michael and wished it luck on its closure. He had never seen Michael flee before, and laughed himself silly when the slam of the Yellow Twisted door nearly shook his room into ruins.

These were the events that led to Izuku wandering alone in Yokohama. More specifically, he was following a shifty looking man through the back alleys of Kamino Ward. Shifty looking humans usually held the best secrets, crimes, attempted-villainy, the like. True villains were aloof or confident, no need to fear discovery of their secrets because they were fully devoted. The shifty-looking were the best because they constantly looked over their shoulders in fear of discovery. This man was doing just that, and every time, he saw Izuku smiling at him.

Izuku Knew he was being led to a hideout. The man was planning on getting someone more important to deal with Izuku before the brat ratted them all out. He believed Izuku to have some kind of mind reading quirk. It was really very amusing. Michael would get a kick out of the paranoia too.

It was two more alleys before Izuku grew bored of the stalking. It was less fun without Michael. “Don’t you want to talk to me?” The compulsion forced the man to freeze. He stiffly turned towards the Avatar, a mingled look of comprehension and terror washing over his features as Izuku stepped closer. The many glowing Eyes opened, bathing the space in their sickly green light. At 13 he was taller now, but he still reached up to grasp the man’s face and pull the man’s eyes down to his own level. He smiled. “Don’t you want to tell me all your dirty little secrets?”

The man sobbed as he spoke, but it was still perfectly clear to Izuku. This man was the lowest of the food chain. He provided quite a lot of money to the organization claiming the name The League of Villains, and in return a great number of his business competitors dropped off the grid. The man was thoroughly boring really. However, the League sounded interesting. Perhaps a cult? Izuku Knew some other Avatars hung around cults, mostly for entertainment, but sometimes for food.

Both being quite young and the Avatar for the Eye made Izuku infinitely curious. And Michael’s continued redirection from the existence of other Avatars only served to compound that curiosity.

Izuku forced the location of the League from the driveling man, and dropped what was left in the alley, feeling full and Knowing the man was going to drive himself mad with the knowledge he spilled the League’s secrets, and take his own life before they could retaliate. Izuku’s Eyes closed and he walked away.

Izuku quite easily navigated his way to the side alley where the bar was nestled. He opened the heavy door silently. It was a bar, simple and plain. With tables, and a bar, and barstools. Izuku was somewhat disappointed at the mediocrity of the League’s supposed hideout. He stepped up to the bar and took a seat on the stool. No one was around. He hummed and knocked on the counter. “Hello?”

A portal of pure inky darkness wavered into existence behind the bar. A person stepped out, wearing a suit that seemed to imply masculine over feminine. The body though, was completely comprised of an inky, amorphous smoke with two glowing yellow slits for eyes.

Izuku was fascinated.

The smoke blinked at him. He smiled widely back. “The…ah, bar is not opened yet.” The smoke’s voice was definitely masculine. The smoke continued its billowing, with no indication of a mouth anywhere upon it. “I am also quite certain you are too young to partake in drink here.”

Izuku hummed, drumming his fingers on the bar rapidly. His foot tapped against the bar as well. He still smiled. He Knew it was confusing and making the other uncomfortable.

Stomping flickered his attention briefly to the stairs as an older boy tromped down them. Pale hair, scars, wrinkles, cracked lips, dark clothes. Odd gloves that only covered some fingers, likely a touch-based quirk requiring full five finger contact for activation. All catalogued in seconds and pushed to the side. The smoke infinitely more fascinating currently.

Was he perhaps the Dark’s? Izuku didn’t Know immediately, which wasn’t always unusual. He had also only met Michael, so he was uncertain how another Avatar would affect his Knowing.

“The fuck is a brat doing here?” The teen grunted in a cross voice, stomping over to a barstool. “Oi kid, beat it. You don’t belong here.”

The smoke almost sighed. “Shigaraki, I was attempting-“

“You’re interesting.” Izuku interrupted them both, uninterested in their dynamic together. His Eyes opened, illuminating the bar in a sickly green glow. “What the fu-!” “Tell me about yourself mister.” Izuku smiled.

And the smoke did, his body fluctuating in a manner that portrayed discomfort. With wide, glowing yellow eyes, the smoke poured its Knowledge out to Izuku. His alias was Kurogiri, he worked for the League of Villains, serving an all-powerful man by the alias of Sensei, acting as a caretaker and mediator for Shigaraki and anyone they meet. His quirk was his ability to create portals. On and on he went about facts, none of which were what Izuku really wanted.

Izuku was visibly put-out, lips pursed. “You’re not an Avatar then?”

Kurogiri’s head shakily jerked out a ‘no.’

“Mmm.” Izuku’s Eyes closed. Kurogiri slumped, nearly falling to his knees if he hadn’t caught himself on the bar. How dull. Izuku tried not to look as disappointed as he felt. He didn’t realize he was pouting quite openly. “I’d like a soda please.”

“i…W-What..?” Kurogiri stuttered out, voice trembling.

“I would like a soda please.” Izuku enunciated, as if Kurogiri had done something wrong instead having what could be considered a traumatic event. Annoyance may have bled into his voice.

“R-Right.” Kurogiri moved quickly, clumsily knocking things together, favoring haste over composure in completing the politely worded command.

Izuku stared silently ahead at nothing. His Hunger was satiated, but not his interest. He supposed the likelihood of another Avatar so close to him was slim. Their trails had always been few and far in between. Still disappointing thought. Michael was brilliant. But Izuku craved to meet another.

The stool beside him filled with a body, drawing his gaze. “That’s a freaky quirk you got there.” The teenager commented. His red eyes were trained upon Izuku with interest.

Izuku hummed, but didn’t correct his assumption.

“My name is Shigaraki Tomura.”

“I Know.” Izuku acknowledged. He took the drink immediately after Kurogiri set it down, startling the smoke man away. He always liked the carbonation, a burning, fuzzy feeling in his mouth.

Shigaraki laughed, a wheezing twisted sound. It was easier on his ears, and yet somewhst reminded him of Michael. Izuku turned his head slightly to give Shigaraki more attention. It seemed to please the teenager. “Is that another part of your quirk? Knowing things?” He probed.

Oh, Shigaraki was clever. Possibly more interesting than Izuku’s initial assumption. “Perhaps.” He alluded. “You seem interested in quirks.”

“Clearly not as much as you.” The teen countered. “You asked a lot of questions. Half I’ve never even thought of, but I think I’ll have Kurogiri test if closing a portal on a limb will sever it.”

“Did I ask that?” Izuku tilted his head. The information was in his head, so perhaps he did. Getting the information was usually point A straight to point B for him. He never paid attention how the line between the points look. “Perhaps I should record myself sometime.” He decided.

Shigaraki just laughed again. Then he grinned, with all his teeth on display and his cracked lips and deep facial lines distorting the smile. It wasn’t quite as sharp, but it was something that would look quite at home on Michael’s face. “I like you, kid.”

Izuku smiled back. “I like you too, Shigaraki Tomura.” He raised his glass.

“Kurogiri, bring our guest some food.” The teen decided. “I think he should stay for dinner and we should chat about a business arrangement.”

“That’s polite of you, but Kurogiri already Fed me.”

Izuku found, since his sudden Becoming, he quite liked Horror films. Especially Monster Movies or Creature Features. They didn’t satiate his Hunger by any means, nor was any of the information really useful from a factual stand point. He mostly enjoyed the first half, watching the monster slowly feed or torment. His favorite point, though, was always the moment where comprehension dawned on the protagonists, when they truly realized that what they were up against.

Izuku watched that comprehension dawn upon Shigaraki and Kurogiri. And while it seemed to shake Kurogiri more, having experienced it first had, it seemed to excite Shigaraki. Which in turn, excited Izuku.

“Were you feeding on Kurogiri?” The older teen sounded giddy, like a child with a new present. “Using your quirk on him-extracting that information, was that feeding you?” Izuku could sense that while Shigaraki understood the fundamentals, he didn’t truly Know that Izuku was Feeding instead of feeding, or What he was Feeding on. But the Avatar smiled and nodded.

Shigaraki broke into hysterical laughter, the kind that had him slumped over the counter, gripping it tightly, enough to make it creak. It was maniacal and beautiful. And while Shigaraki clearly Knew nothing of what swam under the surface of reality , Izuku thought the Spiral might like Shigaraki for an Avatar one day.

Shigaraki didn’t so much as compose himself as he reeled his hysterics back into his body. But Izuku could still see the hysteria upon his face when he leaned into Izuku’s space, grinning that twisted grin with that insane cleverness glittering in those ruby eyes. “I have a proposition for you, kid.”

Deku became somewhat of an ally to the League of Villains. He allowed them the name Midoriya Izuku, but told them quite plainly that he’d rather be known as Deku, as he still had use of the home of Midoriya Inko for now, and would rather not draw attention there. He did still have leftover fondness for the woman, as he was once the Izuku Midoriya that was her son, and would rather allow her blissful ignorance for as long as he possibly could, but he did not relay that to the League. The almost clinic way he explained his position to them seemed to convince them that Inko and her apartment were a cover, not a home.

Their current arrangement was one of symbiosis. The League provided him with meals, and Izuku’s meals provided them with information. Izuku was quite fine with this set-up. He was an Avatar to the Eye after all, not the Hunt.

They would text him from a number he labeled in his phone as LV bar. Their texts were simple “we’ve got a meal for you.” They were possibly being a little over cautious, but if anyone looked through his phone, they were more likely to deduce he was meal testing for some kind of Love Bar, rather than an extracting information for the League of Villains.

Michael found it all very amusing when he popped into his room to check on him some nights later. After Izuku explained his new situation, Michael wiped a fake tear from his swirling eyes and proclaimed. “mY BABY iS gROwinG uP!” Neither commented on its use of the word My instead of The, but Izuku did press closer against Michael’s side for their trip for a meal.

The League didn’t actually call on Izuku that often. They decided he would make just as good of a ghost story as he would an extractor. They used him on the unlucky heroes they managed to capture, or on anyone they caught crossing the League. It typically ended up being 3-5 times a month, depending if they were lucky or if their victims were stupid, or even sometimes both. Kurogiri made himself as scarce as possibly during the feedings. Shigaraki watched every time.

Izuku decided to eventually introduced Michael and Shigaraki.

Izuku had yet to meet Sensei. Shigaraki explained, quite angrily, that Sensei had been severely wounded by Heroes, and kept himself remote and aloof, giving only orders and observing the Leagues proceeds from afar. Izuku would think him an Avatar of the Eye, if he did not Know that this Sensei was definitely not the Eye’s. So, he dismissed the matter of Sensei, for now.

Life carried on.

Izuku decided, for dramatic irony and why not, to apply to UA’s General Education course. He got in with no problems. He did, however, get a bit of entertainment when his homeroom teacher observed aloud with some befuddlement, that both Bakugou Katsuki and Midoriya Izuku were vying for UA, for the Hero and General Education courses respectively. The entirety of the class, the teacher, and even Bakugou looked at Izuku, as if noticing him for the first time. Izuku almost laughed, but managed to just smile instead.

His graduation from middle school went almost exactly the same. The teacher read through the names, and seemed surprised to read Midoriya Izuku, as if forgetting he was also in the class. The only person unsurprised was Midoriya Inko, of course. Call it sentiment, but he could never find it in himself to abandon her. He did replace her son (Or was he what was left of him? He wasn’t sure). He continued to fill the role with a smile, and subtly shielded her from the part of reality he now existed in. He told her exactly as much as she needed to, to continue her belief that she had a perfectly functioning quirkless son. It was a little sad, but that wasn’t his problem.

And life carried on, only slightly more interesting than before.

He supposed the next truly interesting milestone, for him really, wasn’t until the Hero Course’s internships. The League attacking USJ was amusing, but unrelated to him as he had yet to inform the League which Highschool he chose. The Sports Festival was too loud for his tastes, and not nearly as interesting televised. No, for him, it wasn’t until the day he dropped in on the League unannounced, secretly hoping to unnerve Kurogiri. Tormenting the bartender may have become somewhat of a new game for him.

The day he entered the bar, it was empty, save for Kurogiri and Shigaraki. This was not an unusual occurrence, seeing as how it was a front for their hideout. Their reactions weren’t unusual either. Kurogiri shifted to the furthest end of the bar from Izuku. Shigraki’s face split into that manic grin, though hidden today by that severed hand he did enjoy wearing.

“Ahhh, Deku. Is this good timing? Or bad timing?” Shigaraki mused aloud.

Izuku tilted his head slightly while the rhetorical query processed. “You are expecting other company.” He Knew, as he took his usual place at the bar. Kurogiri was quick to serve him a soda before retreating once more.

Shigaraki laughed. “That never gets old. Yeah, we got company. Sensei wants us to invite Hero Killer to the League.”

Izuku absorbed the information with a detached interest. He never found serial murderers all that interesting. Maybe because they didn’t make very good meals. Too confident or psychotic for real fear. He sipped his soda and stared at Kurogiri, his more recent method of torment. Shigaraki snorted, but had learned this to be one of Deku’s signs that wasn’t interested in chatting. The elder teen left him be.

Exactly 20 minute later the door opened and shut once more. Izuku politely turned his attention away from Kurogiri and to the wall, to allow the League to Conduct his business. He was not at all interested in the Hero Killer.

However, no one in the bar spoke a word. Minutes passed, far longer than needed for people to size each other up. Izuku might have chalked it up to them all being over dramatic, if he hadn’t recognized the very distinct feeling of being stared at.

“Do you-“ Shigaraki tried to break the silence, but was interrupted with- “A Baby.”

Izuku’s entire body spun to face the other, not unlike the reaction he had to Michael many years ago. Izuku drank in the sight of the other man and instantly Knew. He was skinny but muscled. Black clothes that were well layered, yet still greatly exposed his arms and face with meager bandages for coverage. Izuku counted five visible blades, but Knew more hid on his person, in his clothes, his boots. The red scarfe and headband offset the ensemble ominously. He had mangled dark hair that was pushed far out of his face. So many features to catalogue, But all were irrelevant when compared to the crimson eyes fixed acutely upon Izuku in curiosity.

Izuku’s Eyes opened. He leaned forward with that wide smile upon his face. “Hello!” He chirped. “It’s so nice to meet you! I’ve only met one other before! I hope you don’t kill me immediately; I’d like to get to know you.”

The last thing the man known as Chizome Akaguro, or the Hero Killer Stain, expected during this meeting with the League was to run across another Avatar. Much less a literal freaking BABY AVATAR.

And the Baby, like some kind of demented puppy, gave itself away by opening its fucking thousands of eyes(real mystery what fucking Entity this belonged to) like it was wagging its goddamn tail, and actually fucking smiled at him, like he wasn’t the Avatar of Hunt. Which he clearly fucking Knew, seeing as how he asked Stain to not immediately kill him.

The Hunt had no fucking lost love for most other Entities. In fact, it took pride in being the only Entity with having Avatars adept in the killing of other Entities Avatars. It was twisted. It was fucked up. And Stain was a part of it.

That said, Stain hadn’t actually killed any other Avatars yet. He was relatively young, by Avatar standards. Japan had nothing big brewing besides Heroes and Villains. At least, nothing Stain was aware of it.

He would, however, like to have been aware of the fucking Baby Avatar that sprouted somewhere in his fucking lawn.

Said Baby Avatar was fucking rocking on his stool, with the full attention of his wide glowing eyes on Stain. Eager like the goddamn puppy he resembled. Stain was proud to say he didn’t sigh. Or glare. Or anything outright rude. Stain crossed his arms. “How old are you?

The Baby Avatar hummed and cocked his head. “Midoriya Izuku is currently 15 years old, with his date of birth in two months.” He cocked his head to the other side. “I myself am approximately 7 years old, but all things considered that may be rather skewed.”

“The fuck does that mean?” Stain groused. “Aren’t you supposed to be exact with that fancy Knowledge and all knowing schtick?”

The Baby fucking giggled at him, like some kind of sneezing kitten. “I’m still rather new to this. I haven’t reached any kind of omniscience yet.” He reassured, as if his Eyes couldn’t fucking see his thoughts right now. “Annnnnnd, well, time through the Doors doesn’t really follow the rules, so who knows how many minutes could have been days for me?”

Wait. “Fucking doors?” Stain growled. “You’ve met a fucking spiral?” He was not jealous he wasn’t the Baby’s first meeting. Not. At. All.

The Baby’s fucking head bobbed. “Yeah, the Distortion, well, A Distortion found me, exactly 17 minutes after my Becoming.” His brow furrowed, somehow a little ‘v’ crease between those infinite eyes on his face. And somehow it was still fucking cute. “Well, maybe not exactly. I end up losing time when I’m feeding.”

There was so much he could unpack there. But he was mainly interested in- “Wait, so you’re fully realized?” He asked. He’d admit his tone was eager. It’s not everyday an Avatar skips the annoying toddler stage (The whiny am I human or monster stage) straight into the fully realized stage.

The Baby giggled again. “Not sure if I ever wasn’t. Or maybe Izuku spent his whole life Becoming. But regardless of befores of afters, I most certainly AM now.”

There was almost a vindictive certainty to the final bit that had Stain grinning now. He’d heard most the other of the Eye’s avatars were weak willed, dithering between Feeding, or other entities, or just down right annoying. This Baby was Feeding and reaching out to his betters. Who was he to deny a Baby that wanted to know better.

“You Hungry kid?”

The baby giggled “I could Feed.” He said, finally closing his Eyes. That smile stayed still. Stain wasn’t sure if that was a quirk from being Midoriya, or if the Spiral’s Avatar rubbed off on the kid. Either way, Stain didn’t mind much. It suited the demented baby puppy.

“C’mon, I’ve been itching for a Hunt.” The Baby hopped off the stool eagerly, and allowed Stain to loop an arm around his shoulders and guide him towards the door.

“Uhhh..” The brat with the hand on his face ruined his fucking moment with the Baby. “What about our meeting?”

“We’ll fucking meet after We fucking Feed.” Stain shot back on their way out. The villain brat wisely chose not to argue. Ta Daaaaaa. Might add to this prompt if my brain doesn’t shut up about it.

#Jzprompts #the magnus archives #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #bnha #tma #CrossOver #midoriya izuku #deku midoriya #michael the distortion #shigaraki #hero killer stain

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givemeastroke · 5 years ago

Text

The Jules Clone

Disclaimer: this is my view of him and of the relationship. There is no truth. Just perceptions.

I was out partying with some friends. We hit a few bars, each one was wilder than the bar we’ve previously had been at. I saw Peter standing at the bar, and my heart stopped. At first glance I thought I had just seen Julian Casablancas, but then my rationality kicked in and I realized it was just someone who looked extremely much like him. I didn’t care; I had to talk to him either way. His eyes were hiding behind his dark hair. At first look his eyes seemed deep, dark and sorrowful. But later, when I had gotten a better look on them I realized how bright they could be. He was wearing some worn out jeans and a Ozzy Osbourne t-shit. He looked like he didn’t give a fuck, and I loved it.

Luckily I had already drunken a fair share of liquid courage that night, so it wasn’t so scary walking up to him, a stranger.

I left my friends and walked straight over to him, trying to make eye contact with him as I was approaching him. I gained his attention, as I got closer to the group. That was the most nerve wrecking part, not talking to Peter, but to have a crowd of his friends around us as I did it. When I got over to them I went to order a drink, so it wouldn’t be too obvious that I had come over to the bar just to talk to him, plus I just created my exit strategy as well - if he wasn’t interested or the conversation didn’t go as planned I just could just leave when I got my drink.

While I ordered I tried to listen to their conversation so I could find a way to slide in and join. They were talking about Red Hot Chili Peppers. One of Peter’s friends said something completely ridiculous about the bands music, and I burst out laughing. I break in to the conversation with the counterpoint to his statement, and he rest of the group quickly agrees.

Yes! The connection has been made. I ask the guys if they’re big fans of RHCP and they all start talking very excited and passionately about the band and music generally. I ended up really hitting it off with the whole friend group, especially Peter.

We partied together for a few hours, but for some reason my drunken ass just had to get back to my friends. Before I left Peter and I exchanged numbers, and a kiss or two.

Five days later he and I met again, on an official date. No big plans, we were just going hangout, drink a few beers and talk. Or so I thought.

It was great seeing him again, and we had a lot of fun the first few hours. It was very easy for us to talk about deep and personal stuff quickly. I never get personal quickly. It was weird, scary, but also kind of amazing. Here I was, sitting in front of a guy who looks just like Jules, and I am having big philosophical conversations with him. I let my guard down, because a part of my thought I was having this conversation and connection with Julian, not Peter, and that was my first mistake.

The night went on and we got more and more drunk. Peter got very drunk. It made me kind of nervous. I am used to be around heavily drunk people, but not used to be on dates with them. We continued talking, but my guard was up. He noticed my mood had shifted and became very insulted by it. He didn’t understand why his behavior could make things tense. Im not a very confrontational person - especially not with people I don’t know that well - so I didn’t make a big fuss about it. At around 2am I asked him to leave. I hadn’t planned it would get that late, and I honestly just needed him to leave. He didn’t want to leave, and it would also take him over an hour to get home. I let him sleep on the couch.

While I was lying in my bed I went over the entire night, our conversations. How alike we think, act and see the world, it was uncanny. But then I started to think about his need for control. How if I had made a joke at his expense, he found that extremely insulting and got very defensive and mad. How every time I expressed my feelings about a subject he questioned it, he picked me apart, had to make everything more serious, more intense, and more important. It was hard to have a casual conversation with him, cause we both got to the philosophical aspect way to quickly. There was no balance. We we’re two yins.

My brain was blasting with sirens: get away from this guy! He’s going to make you miserable! He will step on your boundaries! Make you feel smaller, less of a human!! But in the back of my head there was this little voice, like the voice of a snake, telling me to take it easy, that I could handle his manipulative behavior and that I just had to look at the bright side of it. How lucky I was to have found a guy who not only look just like Julian, but also played in a band, he wanted to inspire people with his music and then he had this amazing way of making me talk about deep, dark and hidden thoughts like we were talking about the weather. The whisper eventually won.

We started casually dating. His behavior didn’t change, and it became hard and harder for the whispering voice to be heard over the sirens. I wasn’t allowed to make silly jokes, to question his way of thinking or call him out when he did or said something stupid. At the end he had made me pack away 60% of my personality when I hung out with him. He made me resent him. But even worse, when I wasn’t around him I missed him so much; he was always on my mind. Dating someone you constantly have to fight and have your guards up in front of is very exhausting. . I knew I had to end it.

The split up went fine. I had invited him to my house and we talked shortly. As he walked out of my door he looked back and made a peace sign, and walked away. I stood baffled; who the fuck makes a peace sign as a way of goodbye. What the hell. And that’s when it really hit me; I had never been dating Julian Casablancas, or even something close to it. Just some pretentious fool who thought he could change the world by making punk rock music. And the peace sign was just the cherry on top.

In retrospect I think we both had wrong expectations of each other - we both expected the counterpart to be a completely different person - and in my case it was literally another person.

#tbh this is just a story about my insane obsession of jules and how it is now destroying my love life #I am single now and im gonna stay this way #I dont know how to date clearly #And i dont really want a bf tbh #I love being alone!#All the stuff my friends who have a s/o do together is stuff i enjoy doing alone #plus I dont want a person up all in my personal life and business #God i sound insane #I am really a lone wolf #ew sorry #anyway! enjoy

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panharmonium · 5 years ago

Text

just some thinky thoughts about fandom platforms and community that i didn’t know what to do with, so i wrote them down.

[tl;dr - tumblr is weird, pan misses (certain aspects of) Ye Olde Days]

tumblr is such a weird platform.

like. i love my blog as a personal repository of stuff i enjoy, and i’m definitely thrilled to have met the people i’ve met on here - some of them have even become my friends outside the internet, and that’s been absolutely lovely. but in terms of actual functionality when it comes to trying to engage in a fandom...it’s still weird.

i know people will probably get tired of all the “BACK IN MY DAY” fandom analysis posts that float around on this website, but even having been here for years now, it is still really hard for me to adjust to a place that makes it so impossible to find any kind of actual fandom community spaces.

for me, i didn’t even start using tumblr until i was in my mid-twenties, and that was only because tumblr was where most people from LJ had migrated. i’d been Doing Fandom for over a decade prior to that, on other platforms (fandom specific sites/archives and then LJ), so i ended up here kind of out of necessity - the great fandom migration was already mostly complete, by the time i moved.

so i got here, and i got settled, but fandom on tumblr has been so different from fandom as i experienced it anywhere else, and that’s not the fault of any of its users; it’s just an inevitable function of the way this site is structured.

it is SO HARD for us to connect with people on here!

just, as an example from my own more recent life - i’ve been doing a lot of merlin stuff lately, right? that’s where my head is at and that’s what i’m having the most fun with and i would love to be more interactive with people about it, like - to have folks to geek out with about it, you know, to do the things that fandom is for - and if i were on, say, livejournal, back in the day, i would know where to go to do those things. there would be specific spaces built for just that purpose. LJ comms were places where everybody who was interested in a particular thing could go for the express purpose of posting and discussing and interacting about that thing! people still maintained their own personal blogs, but they also belonged to whichever LJ communities reflected their interests. LJ comms and fandom-specific sites were fandom hubs - it was so easy to find what you were looking for.

this functionality doesn’t exist in any meaningful way on tumblr. big, moderated groups/communities aren’t a thing tumblr truly supports. there’s no way for me to go join the “merlin” comm and just be in community with a large group of people who just wanna talk about merlin. the limited “group blog” functionality on tumblr is so non-conducive to actual usage that community spaces like those just don’t really exist, not like Back In The Day.

fandom on tumblr is so very decentralized. the way things are set up here forces all of us to just make posts on our individual blogs, which then might get picked up and put on other people’s individual blogs, maybe. you can’t like...make something (X) Fandom related and drop it in the (X) Fandom LJ Comm like “hey look, something fun to talk about!” you could put it in “The Tag,” but anyone who’s been here for any length of time knows how useful doing that actually is. and you could post it on your individual blog, but it won’t necessarily reach anybody who might want to geek out with you, not if you’re not already followed by someone in that fandom.

and the only other option is to invite yourself onto someone else’s individual blog, which is a) inefficient, when you’re looking for wider community, and b) not something a Painfully Reserved Person is wont to do.

the analogy that works best for me is this: pre-tumblr, fandom hangouts were community spaces. they were cafés with a sign hanging out front saying “star wars here!” or “kanan/hera here!” or “X here!” if you wanted to geek out about a particular thing, you would go to the café and meet a bunch of other people there.

nowadays, if you want to geek out about a particular thing, you have to barge into a stranger’s house. and not everyone is comfortable with that.

the lack of real, threaded comments is also just...i don’t know how to express how detrimental this is to communication and community. i mean, i understand that tumblr’s entire “reblog” system doesn’t really allow it to be a thing, but tumblr’s entire mechanic as a fandom platform has to be questioned, in that case.

how impossible is it to have a conversation on here, the way tumblr is set up right now? i mean - let’s say you make a post, right? one person reblogs it and adds their own text to it; another person reblogs the original version, but says something different in the tags. a third person doesn’t reblog it at all, but hits “reply” on your original post. a fourth person “replies” also, but to the second person’s reblog, in response to the additional content.

NONE OF YOU ARE HAVING THE SAME CONVERSATION. none of you are even aware that the other conversations are happening. the idea of trying to build an actual cohesive fandom community like that is just...impossible. it can’t happen.

when i reblog posts on tumblr, i feel like i’m a dragon collecting a little hoard of shiny things she likes, only i never actually see another person, because i live in a cave.

everybody here lives in a cave.

and like...this is just philosophical, i guess, but. tumblr’s focus on “follower count” and notes is also a thing i don’t really know how to handle.

having people “follow” me makes me feel weird. seeing that people are “following” this blog exerts a bizarre external pressure, as if my little house here could ever be for anybody who isn’t me. it prompts a tiny 'but should you?’ in the back of my head when i post about something that isn’t what all those people came here for, which is ridiculous, because this was never supposed to be a blog for any fandom in particular; it was just a blog for me. i was the only one here when i started, and i literally never did anything to try and get people to come here and join me. it happened accidentally, because bigger blogs than me picked up some star wars stuff i made and passed it around.

but of course, on tumblr, making connections gets conflated with follower/note count, and understandably so, because besides having a higher follower count (aka wider distribution), how are people ever going to reach the other people who are into the same thing they are?

for instance. let’s say you’re brand new to tumblr. you want to get involved in X fandom. there’s no community space here where a new blog with no followers can go and share their stuff with the right audience and meet all the other people who are also sharing their own work. unless you start messaging strangers, your tumblr time is pretty isolated.

whereas - i remember on lj comms, back when people would post as a newcomer, it would be like, ‘hey i’m so-and-so and i love xyz and here’s a picture i drew of x character!!!!’ - and people would actually respond to that. people responded to everything! like. tiny 400 word fics would have 30 comments, and all those people were talking with each other, not past each other, on the same page.

just for fun, while i was typing this up, i went through a month’s worth of posts on an old lj comm i used to frequent. not a single one of those posts was comment-less. every single post, even the tiniest, most insignificant one-line musing, had some amount of discussion attached to it.

whereas now - i don’t know if this is just confined to tumblr, or if it’s a general cultural shift, because even on AO3, i sometimes see people who have written massive sprawling epics and the comment field is just a desert. i once saw the exact same fic posted on ff.net, where it had 20 comments - and then on AO3, where it had zero.

and like, say what you will about ff.net (there’s...plenty to be said, certainly XD ) but commenting patterns were observably different there. and that’s all part and parcel of a bigger discussion, which isn’t really within the scope of these notes, except to say that it’s probably the source of my forever grudge match with AO3′s kudos button, which i realize is an absurdly silly thing to say and i’m smiling at myself even as i type this, but - i gotta be honest - i hate that thing! i can’t stand it! XD

i say that in the most good-natured way possible, obviously; this is fandom, after all, and it’s all for fun, and i love AO3 in every other way, so this is more a minor annoyance which makes me laugh at myself than anything else - but i say again - in the most fun-loving, self-deprecating way possible - that little button is my archnemesis. XD

i totally get why other people love it! it’s a completely reasonable way to feel! but for me, personally, coming out of an environment where the reward at the end of making something was getting to gush with somebody else, make a connection, talk about the thing that gave us So Many FEELS - the kudos button is so. sterile. and. empty. it doesn’t fulfill my urge to connect with people or share fannish enthusiasm in any way. i’d almost rather not even see kudos on my account, honestly, because it makes me feel more disappointed than anything else - like, “oh, man. look at all these missed fandom conversations we could have had.”

and obviously, this is in no way meant as disparaging to people who use the kudos button liberally. it is ALWAYS lovely to show appreciation for someone who wrote something you liked, however which way you are able, if and only if you are so inclined. nobody is obligated to leave feedback - lurkers are a perfectly accepted and long-celebrated fandom tradition; i belonged to that tradition myself, for most of my fandom life - so showing appreciation in any form is already going above and beyond. nobody needs to be harangued with “YOU SHOULD’VE COMMENTED” or “YOU SHOULD’VE REBLOGGED” - none of that stuff is required to participate in fandom; nobody owes comments or reblogs, and creators have to be okay with that. we can discuss and/or lament the structural factors that encourage or discourage participation, by all means, but ultimately we have to recognize that nobody is actually required to respond to things we make. it’s fandom. we’re all here by choice, and people’s participation levels are their own business.

and anyway, i know that lots of authors actually love getting kudos on their work, so my experience isn’t universal, by any means. it’s just a function of my own personal background, and the communities i used to run in - i speak for no one but myself and my own fannish life.

and besides, the entire debate about kudos/comments and like/reblog disparities doesn’t come anywhere near the underlying issues. it’s sometimes framed as “people not participating in fandom appropriately” (and that’s completely unfair; there’s no wrong way to do fandom when you’re not hurting anybody) as opposed to “what is it about our platforms that encourages or discourages participatory fan culture.” like - the only reason we even need to talk about the importance of reblogs vs. likes is because tumblr makes it so darn hard for a person’s stuff to be seen by the “right” people! reblogs are the only way for someone’s work to spread, and even then it’s kind of like throwing a handful of darts at a board and praying one of them will land in a well-connected spot. if a platform like tumblr were set up differently, we wouldn’t even need to have this conversation - there would be places to post your work where people would be specifically looking for content like what you were making. you could make those fannish connections more easily.

*** important to note, too - it’s always worthwhile to remember when reading these “back in the old days” nostalgia posts that pre-tumblr spaces had drawbacks of their own. livejournal was not some fannish utopia, by any means. there were, however, a few structural things from that era that i think were helpful influences on fan culture, and their absence here makes me miss them.

but anyways. those are just some thoughts. and now i’m going back to my regularly scheduled posting, because i DO enjoy this place, even if the platform can be somewhat lacking sometimes - we still have to find a way to have fun, right? that’s the entire point of being in fandom in the first place.

#i've always felt like tumblr was sort of a bizarre place for Fandom Central to have landed anyway #though i do think it's been amazing for graphics editors; gifset-makers especially #i do wonder where we'll end up next #whenever the next big migration hits #anyway back to regularly scheduled posting!#i've got episodes to get through #gotta keep up my momentum so i can GET TO THE END #:D #fandom

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