#there's a cut bc this got way too long sorry bestie you unleashed my sports autism

[masochistartt]

i don’t follow football what happened with chelsea?

okay strap in bc this chelsea season has been. definitely. Something!!

let's start with last season as a little catch up. chelsea (one of the 6 biggest clubs in the premier league) finished twelfth on the table (out of 20). it was their first season under new ownership, and they went through four (4) managers in the 38-game season. finishing in twelfth made it the club's lowest season since 1993-94, where they finished 14th. because of their 12th place finish, this (23/24, current season) is the first season since 2016-17 that they didn't compete in europe (champions league, europa league, europa conference league).

so. not a great year for the boys in blue.

this summer. chelsea spent ~£435 million on new players. that's the most a single club has ever spent during a single transfer window in premier league history. these transfers included moises caicedo (a defensive midfielder from brighton for £100 million (plus bonuses)), nicolas jackson (a striker from villarreal for £32 million), christopher nkunku (a striker from rb leipzig for £52 million), and cole palmer (an attacking midfielder from manchester city for £40 million plus bonuses) (more on this later.)

transfers out included césar azpilicueta, a defender who was their captain since 2019 (who lead them to winning the champions league in 2021), mateo kovačić, mason mount, kai havertz, and christian pulisic (all champions league winners, all played in the final in 2021, havertz scoring the only goal in the game)

these new transfers in are all young. of the 12 new signings, two were born in 1997 one was born in 1998 and one was born in 1999, but the rest are 2000s babies (2 in '01, 1 in '02, 4 in '04, and 1 in '05). so there's a severe lack of experience on this team (ben chilwell is 27, raheem sterling is 29, and thiago silva is 39 – 12 of their 29 players are u21). the average age on the team is 23 (their goalies are the oldest at 27 on average, defenders at 24, midfielders at 21, and forwards at 22).

because azpilicueta left the club, you need a new captain. they found theirs in chelsea academy boy reece james, a 24-year-old defender. his vice captains are ben chilwell, the 27-year-old left back signed from leicester city in 2020, conor gallagher, a 24-year-old central midfielder also from chelsea's academy, and thiago silva, the 39-year-old signed from psg in 2020.

and because of the managerial disasters of last season, they need a new manager. they bring on mauricio pochettino, former manager of spurs and psg (where he lead the team to the ligue 1 title).

welcome to chelsea. let's start the season.

their first match was at home against liverpool. liverpool scored first, in the 18th minute, but chelsea tied it up before the half, the first goal from new signee axel disasi. the second half is mostly uneventful, but oops, captain reece james has to be substituted off with a hamstring injury. he is now out until october (it is august).

their next match is away against west ham. ben chilwell takes the captain's armband. it's the 7th minute. west ham scores. chelsea pulls one back in the 28th minute, 1 all. west ham picks up three yellow cards in the first half. in the second half, west ham scores again. then, the hammers go down a man for a second yellow card, chelsea is now playing 11 against 10. they cannot turn it around. not only do they not turn it around, they concede another goal. chelsea loses 3-1. it is week 2 of the premier league season, and chelsea is fifteenth on the table.

they beat newly promoted luton town week 3 and rise to 10th place.

meanwhile, chelsea is competing in the league cup. that's going well so far - a 2-1 win against fourth tier afc wimbledon (phil dunster's team!) in august right after beating luton town - maybe things are turning around! (things are not turning around.)

then they face a loss, a draw, and another loss to nottingham forest, bournemouth, and aston villa (a game in which malo gusto picks up a straight red card and is now unable to play the next few games).

let's... let's check in on the league cup. we need something good for these boys after this hell they've faced in september. they've drawn fellow premiership club brighton & hove albion at home in the third round. they win! 1-0, thanks to a goal in the 50th minute from new signee nicolas jackson. but in the 7th minute of stoppage time at the end of the game, ben chilwell (their captain, with reece james still out injured), is fouled and has to come off with a hamstring injury. but also oops, chelsea's already used all their substitution windows - they have to finish the game with 10 men. luckily, they see it out and move on to the next round.

reece james is still injured. ben chilwell is now injured. conor gallagher, time to step up.

happy october, chelsea. their first two premier league draws of the month are against fulham (who finished 10th on the table in 22/23) and newly promoted burnley. chelsea win both. they are 11th on the table after both results. and! reece james is back! they draw 2-2 at home against arsenal, and rise to 10th on the table. their last match in october is against brentford, who finished 9th on the table last season, and were 13th going into this match. they lose 0-2.

november starts big with a league cup win against championship side blackburn and a 1-4 win at tottenham (all four goals are scored by new signees - a penalty from cole palmer, and a hat trick from nicolas jackson) after the win against tottenham, they are taking slutty, slutty locker room pictures.

let's pause here to talk about fouls, yeah? chelsea has not gone a single game this season without picking up a booking. 1 is the minimum so far, against brentford, 2 against luton, and the rest have had 3+. they have been booked with 35 yellow cards and one red card as of week eleven of the premier league season.

november ends with a draw against manchester city (10th on the table, 22 points, 5 more yellow cards), a loss to newcastle (10th on the table, 22 points, 5 yellow cards & a 6th that becomes a red card for reece james).

december - a win against brighton (10th on the table, 25 points, 4 yellow cards & a 5th that becomes a red card for conor gallagher before halftime) and then two losses in a row (a 2-1 loss at manchester united - chelsea's first league game of the season without a booking. cole palmer scores the only goal - and then a 2-0 loss at everton that drops them to 12th on the table, 2 more bookings. reece james is injured again and has to get surgery for his hamstring). they win against newly promoted, bottom of the table sheffield united (with another booking), and return to tenth on the table.

league cup break! they draw newcastle united 1-1 in the quarterfinals. the game goes to penalties. chelsea wins 4-2 on penalties. four more yellow cards are picked up in this game. chelsea moves on to play middlesbrough in the two-legged semifinals in january. we'll return to this.

back to the prem.

on christmas eve, they play away at wolves and lose 2-1. christopher nkunku scores in the 96th minute. chelsea picks up 6 more yellow cards.

they end 2023 and start 2024 on a three game winning streak (against crystal palace, luton town, and fulham). in these three games, they pick up 3, 2, and 5 yellow cards. after the win against fulham, they raise to 9th on the table, the highest they've been all season.

they lose spectacularly to liverpool to end january, 4-1, picking up 4 yellow cards in the process. this drops them back to 10th on the table.

meanwhile, they've played both legs of that league cup semifinal i mentioned, winning 6-2 on aggregate. chelsea's going to the final! maybe they will win a trophy this season! who're they playing in that final at the end of february? oh. oh, it's liverpool? okay.

the fa cup's going on now too ! they beat championship side preston north end 4-0, and then draw aston villa 0-0 at home - this will go to a replay the first week of february. only one yellow card across these two games, well done, chelsea.

first they've got a prem match to play against wolves. they allow wolves player matheus cunha to score a hat trick on them. oops. final result 2-4, 3 more yellow cards, 11th on the table with a goal difference of -1 (they've let 1 more goal past them than they've scored all season).

i know what you're saying. chelsea needs a good run here. and they get it! after losing to wolves, they don't lose another premier league game until today, april 23. we will get back to this. they win against crystal palace, newcastle united, manchester united, and everton (the everton game, they win 6-0. we will get back to this.) they draw against manchester city, brentford, and sheffield united (you know, the bottom of the table team who has no chance of staying in the prem next year).

they also win their fa cup ties against aston villa (replay) and championship sides leeds united and leicester city. they face manchester city in the semi finals. they lose. they also lose that league cup final to liverpool. a trophyless season for chelsea. they also still haven't figured out that premier league yellow card problem.

so let's talk about The Everton Game. cole palmer scored his second hat trick in two games and this one's brilliant. seriously watch the highlights it's amazing. chelsea is awarded a penalty in the 64th minute. all hell breaks loose on that pitch, roy kent vs jamie tartt style. here's a clip. for context, madueke was the one fouled for the penalty, palmer is the designated penalty taker. pochettino clearly hadn't made that clear to his players. you cannot fight on the pitch like that. you. you just.... you can't do that. palmer takes the penalty, his fourth goal of the night, he is in the golden boot (top scorer in the league) race.

what happened today, then? chelsea gets absolutely spanked 5-0 at arsenal. palmer was not playing today - he's sick. kai havertz who left chelsea for arsenal this summer scored 2. here's a sign a child held up in the crowd today. they're currently 9th on the table after 32 of 38 games have been played. the state of the club is a disaster. i'm genuinely intrigued to see what happens next year because.....it can't go on like this.

cole palmer leads the club in goals, assists, chances created, shots per game, key passes, through balls per game, xg, motm awards, & penalties.

thiago silva is leaving this summer.

nothing else is known. chelsea goes to aston villa on saturday. the league continues.