#there's a bit of something there about the true self existing in the false self or smth

[navree]

i finally realized that a portion of why i go so feral over father-child dynamics specifically is because one time when i was young and spending a summer in france and still hadn't mastered french enough to want to read french books or watch french films, one of the few pieces of english media in my possession were children's book novelizations of disney's bambi and bambi ii and so i read it a lot at a formative time

[eamour]

goddard · glossary

if you are currently reading neville goddard‘s books or listening to his lectures, you might encounter terminology that can be a bit confusing or irritating at first. with this glossary, i want to help you to understand what neville is actually trying to convey!

phrases

phrases listed from a to z

as within, so without﹕nothing comes from without meaning all manifestations of you come from within aka from your subconscious

assumptions harden into fact · an assumption, though false, if persisted in, will become factual and materialise aka appear in your physical world

buying the pearl of great price﹕this pearl is your imagination and buying it means to sell beliefs that we think are powers to guide our life aka astrology, tarot, religion, and so on

consciousness is the only reality﹕things can only exist within your consciousness

consciousness is the way or door through which things appear﹕I AM or the awareness of being is the only reality

creation is finished and everything exists﹕there are infinite states and combinations of states (a state also being a reality) into which you can fall (that already exist)

everyone is you pushed out﹕the world reflects your inner beliefs and the people around you are only messengers telling you who you are

feeling is the secret﹕the feeling of knowing is the secret — the only thing you need to do — in order to manifest whatever you want

imagination creates reality﹕whatever you assume and accept to be true in your imagination determines your physical reality, the 3D

no one to change but self﹕you need to only change yourself (your thoughts and therefore your awareness) in order to see changes in the physical world

rising in consciousness to the naturalness of being the thing desired﹕you will draw your manifestation onto you once you start to feel natural about your desire and having it

self must be expressed﹕the state you occupy reflects your concept of self and has to be physically mirrored

serving two masters﹕occupying two states of consciousness that are oppositional

shutting the door﹕shutting out what i am now aware of being (and claiming myself to be that which i desire to be)

the conceiver is ever greater than his conceptions yet ever remains one with his conception﹕the power (you) conceiving and the thing conceived (the things you have manifested) are one but the power to conceive (the power to create) is greater than the conception (creation)

the signs always follow, they never precede﹕things have no reality other than in consciousness. therefore, if you become conscious of something first, the thing is compelled to appear

the world is a mirror﹕the world is forever reflecting what you are doing within your imagination

thinking from the end﹕unification or fusion with your desire as you think from having it; claiming your desire in your imagination

thinking of the end﹕separation from your desire as you only think of it; daydreaming about your desire

to assume the feeling of the wish fulfilled﹕assuming to be or have the thing desired and knowing that it‘s yours

to die in one state and to live in the other﹕leaving the old, undesired state of consciousness and embodying a new, desired state of consciousness

to put new wine in old bottles or new patches upon old garments﹕taking with you into the new consciousness any part of the old man aka old beliefs

with love, ella.

[starry-bi-sky]

more about og tue timeline twins danny and dan/jamie

very touchy with each other. you might even say. ccclingy. its to be expected, they're two halves of a whole after all and all they've got of each other. worryingly co-dependent. do not separate. ever.

Danny was really weak and sick after the initial separation, and was for a while after. Jamie knew internally that if Danny died, he'd take the whole world with it. He was the one sole caretaker for him while he got better -- not for lack of trying on Vlad's part, but without his ghost powers he was nothing more than a feeble (albeit handsomely rich) man, and James looked ready to bite his head off if he got within ten feet of either of them.

Vlad is intimately aware that James (or Danny, if he tried) could snap his spine in half like a twig, and is uncomfortably aware of his own lack of ghost half now. It makes him feel self-conscious and exposed, so he never fully returns back to "cocky and self-assured billionaire Vlad Masters". Making deals with other brands feels a lot harder now that he can no longer possess them anymore.

Speaking of, he very quickly has to come up with a cover story as to why there's now a James Daniel Fenton to the public, when no records whatsoever of him existing existed prior. Lots of forging false government documents on his end. James and Danny do not help because it's his fault this happened in the first place.

(Regardless of whether or not Danny actually willingly chose to rip out his ghost half/humanity in canon is true, or if that was Vlad Masters speaking out of his ass, a large part of the blame still falls on Masters.)

(As his primary caretaker and guardian, it's his responsibility to ensure the health and safety of his charge, and since Danny was in clear emotional duress at the time, it can be argued that he was not in the mental state to make such a decision. And, allegedly, couldn't do it on his own which is why he asked Vlad for help.)

I chose "James" as Dan's name since it's a popular fanon middle name for Danny, and since he's half of Danny, it felt like it just made sense lol. Also because of the ensuing comedy of the two of them introducing themselves as "James Daniel Fenton" and "Daniel James Fenton". It's got the same energy as "danny with a y" and "danny with an i" and it's the exact kind of name bullshit you expect parents to give their twins.

I don't have their exact personalities down, but something I am actively writing into this au's bible is that I think Danny should be the quiet and (ig technically) meaner one. There's a lot to go into about interpretations for ghosts, halfas, and the incident itself, but TL:DW; Danny is technically soulless, or at the very least missing half of his soul (altho Jamie is too just in a different direction).

Pair that with the trauma of losing his family in front of him + having his ghost half ripped out + all the trauma he would've sustained as a hero, and he's not doing too hot mentally! i think if the twins met good timeline!Danny, Danny would've mistaken Danny for Dan and Jamie for the original half.

He comes off to others as pretty apathetic and indifferent to a borderline terrifyingly calm degree. He doesn't go out of his way to insult people, but he also doesn't care enough to consider the other party's feelings so he doesn't filter himself, which makes him come off as rude. The only times he looks truly comfortable is when he's near Jamie or talking to him.

His standoffish, ice prince demeanor makes Jamie look like a saint in comparison. When really he's not all that much better? He's more outwardly emotional than Danny, whether that be positive or negative, but at the end of the day he doesn't trust or care about anyone else any more than Danny does, and he's got a bit of a sadistic streak. Danny reigns him in when he starts becoming too destructive.

(Which I think makes sense. Danny asked Vlad to rip out his ghost half specifically so he could stop feeling his human emotions. Dan, despite his monotone voice, does exhibit emotions. He's smug when he asks Valerie if he likes his ghostly wail, sardonic when he reunites with Sam and Tucker, annoyed, shocked at Danny's ghostly wail, etc. He enjoys wreaking destruction and chaos.)

(If Danny had survived his encounter with Dan and if Vlad was successful, then I imagine he'd be rather apathetic to his other half as a whole. That'd be interesting.)

Overall though they're both hurt, bitter, and distrustful of the world around them, with abandonment issues a mile wide. They can get better and they can heal, but it takes time and patience and proper support.

On the DPxDC side of things, they do genuinely hold some kind of respect or regard for Bruce. They also don't become vigilantes for a while. Neither of them are jumping at the bit to enter heroism again, not when it was heroism that killed their family in the first place.

In fact when they find out Bruce = Batman they think he's foolish for it. They think its a fool's errand, and they've been so spurned by their time as Phantom that for a few weeks, Jamie even refused to call Bruce anything but Sisyphus. Danny called him Tantalus, and the two of them had a faux-argument about which one was more accurate.

Bruce does, though, worm his way into both of their hearts, and that's like, the main reason they become vigilantes to join him. So that they could keep him safe and not because of any desire to return to the heroic life. Relearning to care and finding satisfaction in helping others was an unintentional side effect.

(Bruce is so very smug)

Essentially:

The Twins: this is our squishy and fragile adoptive father. If anything happened to him, we're becoming mass extinction events.

Bruce: Nnno.

[corviiids]

I really liked your analysis on the “core” of both Joker and Akechi. I agree that neither the detective prince or the black mask “is” Akechi at his core; but rather, he’s fractured. My question to you is, do you think we ever see the “true” Goro Akechi within the canon? It is my opinion that we do likely in Rank 6 just for a little bit and in fragments during the engine room. And by that logic, what do you think the “true” Akechi would be like in a post canon scenario where the DP/BM are gone?

thank you so much and really good question. in my personal opinion we definitely see parts of his sincere self but there's sort of an asterisk attached to that (ill expand) and more importantly even in those truthful moments we never really see the Whole of him because as i said before i don't think his sense of self is really collected enough into a unified whole to be able to show it off even if he wanted to, at least at that point in his life

im like turning this question over in my hands bc im about to go into a bunch of this stuff in the next chapter of my longfic and i dont want to just say the same thing twice, but basically (this time it isn't as long thank god. it's still a bit long)

i think even in the moments akechi is letting you see him in canon such as in rank 6 (and i think you're right i do think at rank 6 he's exposing a bit of himself to you. most of himself. all of himself. he is naked) he's doing so deliberately, because unveiling a bit of truth is a very potent tool in trying to get someone's trust (in this case ren's) and convincing them to swallow the rest of a lie. so while he's showing you something real, i think his intentions are still very guarded, so i would still say he's holding up a facade at that point

black mask in the engine room is more complicated because i think that's the closest he gets to being unguarded during canon. look it's like multilayered because i think when he's being the detective prince he's aware that he's being false because he's doing it on purpose, but when he's the black mask he's much less aware because at that point the insincerity is just something that's built into his understanding of himself so it becomes less a deliberate facade and more a failure to comprehend who he is on an internal level? so i think as black mask in the engine room he's not lying to you anymore. he's just not like... self-actualised enough that we can really call the black mask the "whole" of who goro akechi is, because he sees himself as a villain with an expiration date and so he's kind of deliberately made his self-understanding quite shallow. but it's close. i think that's the most sincere he ever intentionally gets.

re: postcanon - this is really interesting to mull over because i think generally people agree that third semester akechi is like, again, as close as we can get to akechi not masking around you. but i also think that's mostly just because he's being mean, and it's easier to buy meanness as sincerity than niceness. im going into this in the next chapter too i have to figure out how to reword this

but akechi in third sem IS masking. akechi in third sem is a man who thinks he's dead. that expressionlessness isn't just him not bothering to put the smile on anymore, it's him coating his entire existence in a layer of nihilism and apathy because in his mind he doesn't exist anymore and how are you meant to cope with that? it's definitely still more sincere than the detective prince, and i think it's closer to what his personality would be removed from his circumstances. well, that raises another question on a more abstract level LOL about how much of a person's personality IS just... reactivity to circumstances. like is it even meaningful to ask this question? is it useful to try and remove someone into a contextless vacuum to determine their "true self". i think no so to what point is it relevant to try and determine which of a person's circumstances are sufficiently extreme that they should be considered outliers and at what point does it just become a futile exercise in trying to achieve, like, the character equivalent of nagel's view from nowhere I'M GETTING OFF TRACK THI SISNT WHAT YOU ASKED

THE POINT IS. postcanon i think we could expect akechi to resemble his third sem self to an extent but i think a little less blank, a little more reactive and emotional. furthermore i think even when the detective prince and the black mask are gone as conscious masks elements of those personalities would still remain in akechi's character, like, i still think he'd do the ^_^ in public, i still think he'd be unhinged when context allows, because i very firmly believe that (not just for akechi but for everyone in general, but especially for akechi) the choices you make when you're masking and those masks that you wear ARE part of your true self and not just a disguise this is going to show up in longfic too

so i think akechi goro is a liar, he's a performer, he's ruthless, he's flat and dry, he knows how to play the game. he was once idealistic and it's crossed into bitterness so he reacts to his circumstances with cynicism and impatience. he's guarded and carefully filtered in most situations, but in familiar situations where he feels he doesn't have too much to lose (eg with the few people he thinks he can mostly trust) he's smug and cutting and doesnt suffer fools easily. he doesnt pull punches, but dont mistake the bluntness for honesty. i think to akechi truth and information and vulnerability will always be a weapon

[pawberri]

How do you know if something is early psychosis and not other neurodivergencies/mental illness, from a self determination perspective? Like for example you need both an obsession and a compulsion to have ocd, so what is the one thing that needs to be true to know if you might be dealing with some form of psychosis?

The hard thing about it is that sometimes prodromal schizophrenia looks like other things, but there are diagnostic and expirential differences... anecdotally me and my friends talk about loss of emotion. Not the kind symptomatic of depression where you feel overwhelmed with emptiness, but feeling absolutely flat. Nothing gives pleasure, but you don't have the instinct to grieve over it either. You walk through life on autopilot, maybe fantasizing about having access to emotion. Maybe the fantasy world becomes the only place you feel anything.

Also, loss of or lack of identity, an inability to fathom any objective reality or objective version of "yourself." Psychosis therapy often involves helping the patient believe there is a narrative to their life, rather than it being a series of random inputs not connected by one identity or perspective. People with psychosis or schizotypy might have trouble understanding that they don't have access to people's inner thoughts or feelings, which makes it feel like your "identity" is just a bit of sludge in the sea of existence.

The most obvious and explicit is if you start to have delusions and hallucations. There are also less severe versions called cognitive distortions and sensory illusions. (i.e I have schizotypal so I always see blurry shadowy shapes out of the corner of my eye, and I always have paranoid beliefs about others and magical thinking, but I can identify it as "not technically true.") If you are having delusions and hallucinations you might not be able to tell they're false, but if the world has suddenly become much more scary and hostile and full of danger and unexplainable phenonemena, it might be delusions and hallucinations. You can check with others you trust to see what they think of the phenomena you're experiencing. There's no shame if it ends up being a delusion or hallucination.

^ My explanation is purely amateur and incomplete, so tread carefully. This website here impressed me with how thorough it is

[tempestforged]

(from @maris-stellar / Yulia for Roland bc I think it'd be funny uwu) "If you ask me what is the state of reality - whether it is true or not, or even worth being called 'reality' by the dictionary definition of it, then I can respond in a myriad of ways." Yulia says this with her ever-perpetual lack of affect, remaining seated as she blankly watches Roland. "For instance, I could say it is true, it is false, it isn't reality, it's a dream, it's a hallucination, you're dying and imagining things, I'm dying and imagining things, or simply question why I'm being questioned about this at all." The commandant idly pulls on a stray thread in her clothes, the gesture seeming bored, though with the way she stares at the thread in some sort of contemplation, who knows what thoughts are going through her head right now? "Though I'm sure we can both agree that at the very least - whatever this is, it exists, and we exist in this existence. Whether it's reality or a dream or something else, we're here and we're talking. If not, then we have to question whether either of us are real. And maybe neither of us are. Maybe the concept of 'existing' isn't real either. This is all nothing. But it could also be everything, or something." A pause. "'I think, therefore I am.' A flawed statement, if one dissects it enough. But I'll go with that for an answer, for now."

-> HE STARES, more than a bit confused, as if something has suddenly pulled his legs out from under him, the former performer hadn't expected her to go along with that line of thought as easily as he had. It's new to him, for the commandant of the PUNISHING FORCE to indulge in the line of thought that lead to so many constructs to ascend to their ranks. The blank look in her eyes is utterly confusing, one that tells him that where there should be existential terror or untamed anger resides only nothing at his riddled questions.

IT'S ALMOST FRIGHTENING, the utter apathy on her face at being faced with the question of whether her reality was just a dream, a flash of neurons as the PUNISHING VIRUS became all consuming in an attempt to give her peace. He'd posed a question from ancient mythos, of whether her reality was just the fleeting dream of a dreamer near waking, Yet never in a thousand, thousand years had he expected her to take to so easily to a position of balance between Nihilism and Existentialism when faced with one of the three founding questions of self awareness.

HE THROWS HIS HEAD BACK in almost mocking laugher, the sheer absurdity of her declaration of her declaration of cognito, ergo sum humorous to the being that believed not for a second that she thought about more than the nature of doom befalling humanity for HUBRIS. The look in his eyes is manic, borderline insanity as his gaze snaps back to the utterly bored look on her features, something about the disinterested look has his visage threatening to snap, the calm, amused, look shifting into one of anger, her declaration fuelling his distaste of BABYLONIA even further.

"By that logic..." the word is spat from his tongue, like it's dirty and antithesis to him. "... Every machine struck down, is struck down for merely EXISTING."

[milfclaren]

So intrigued what your version of the correct fic Lando is... (and if you have any examples of ones you like!)

howdy partner!! i probably have to write him myself to feel fully satisfied but. here are my thoughts anyways. i’m sorry i typed you a fucking Book in response.

i wanna start by saying i give a lot of leeway with how lando is written by others because his perspective is one i find Very Hard to write. for one, he leaves a lot of room for misinterpretation (i’ll expand) and for two, we’re very different people with very different experiences and i’ve never met him. alas, fic exists as the perfect space to explore your own interpretation of someone else’s personality — both inside and outside of their normal circumstances — and as a writer, you get a lot of creative choice within that. my usual complaint is that he’s cut to the bare bits of the public personality (sillygoofy, a bit bothersome, sometimes demanding and persnickety) OR he’s solely earnest and one-dimensional, in a way that reads as a subservient self-insert.

the version of lando in fic that feels correct for me balances all of these things — his goofier front, his prickly, cautionary act and his more sensitive side (and i do think he is Sensitive). this version acknowledges that his sensitivity is where his prickliness stems from at all. maybe that’s because he resents that about himself, maybe it’s something else entirely; that’s up for the author to decide. anyways, the most correct version of fic lando, to Me, also reconciles his dedication to honesty with his necessity to lie. for being so honest, lando is also a fucking liar, and i do think that. from what i have gathered, lando feels more at ease protected when he has some control over how you misunderstand him, because (from his perspective) no matter what he says or does, you are going to misunderstand him. i don’t think fic acknowledges/explores this Nearly enough. (astrology does, but his birth chart is another rant entirely)

he has said before he thinks it’s funny when people are wrong about him, but once again to me that says being misunderstood is the status quo. on some level he likes to mislead you. on some other level, it’s comfortable to maintain. i don’t blame him, i’m not judging him. in all regards, vulnerability is fucking terrifying. especially if you’re dismissed no matter how much genuine vulnerability you’re showing.

all this is not to say he isn’t headstrong or firm in the things he believes to be true about himself. but can you imagine how he might gain a stronger sense of control by playing with your perception of him? he gets to control what you dislike by controlling the version of him you see. if you dislike what you’re presented with, it doesn’t matter because it was an exaggerated facade anyways. there is a distance from that immediate rejection, because at best, it is a somewhat-false acceptance. that is not more satisfying, really. so maybe if you like that version, he plays into it harder. or maybe he starts to peel back his layers and show you a more authentic (or perhaps even more contradictory) version of himself.

tl:dr — a well fleshed out character showcases all their contradictions. the best landos in fic manage to capture his total aversion to being truly known and the way he needs it so furiously you can see him fighting it.

here are a few landos that stuck out to me, and since the og post was about porn, there’s lots of porn here:

[Explicit! heed all AO3 tags and warnings!] all of these are dando, landoscar or mando. there is no carlando, sorry, i know that’s crazy, because it is the most popular lando ship, but i only really like carlando in very specific circumstances <3

this is very short, but for some reason this lando interpretation kinda sticks out in my brain

fun landoscar here, i liked this exploration of lando a lot

pacrim fusion lando i think about so much

rule 63!dando - an interesting exploration, i liked it

another really good landoscar - this is a different lando than i usually see i think

this lando yearns so much, and he’s a little freak. no notes, that all seems plausible to me

i know what i said about carlando but this series is about dando. carlos is more of a lingering concept.

this little love sick lando lingering in the space of best friends to lovers

i would give you my life for more lando/george fic

some people who write or interpret his voice well in general

[folkwhore1998]

swear to be overdramatic and true to my...

lover

I am a pink girly through and through. Taylor's album aesthetics are so different from one another, and of course, I may be biased but I just love this album aesthetic so much. It completely screams summer. This is the album to roll the windows down and sing with your friends in the car, fall in love, yell at a man, cry... Who knows!

Miss. Americana highlights a large bit of the Lover era and Taylor's thoughts while making the album. The clip in that documentary where she discusses how this is really her last opportunity to do something big in music is so emotional to watch. Reason 1 is that it is a hard headspace to be in. Reason 2 is that it was the furthest thing from the truth. Seeing the shift in her stardom from then to now literally makes me emotional you guys. She had no idea what was going to happen for her. Don't get me wrong, she was already insanely successful, but things are so different for her now.

There is a lot of discourse about how reputation is the real Lover, and Lover is the anxiety that comes with being in love. Some have also said it is wearing the rose colored glasses and being blinded by love. Either way, it is a beautiful album that I will ride at dawn for.

It has a mix of everything... mushy love songs like Lover and Cornelia Street, songs with empowerment like The Man and You Need to Calm Down... self love with Me! and the deepest song being Soon You'll Get Better.

Soon You'll Get Better is a song that means so much to me. My Mom was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer when I was 19 and lost her when I was 22.For me, it was the song that got me through it. The song that encapsulates the helplessness of seeing someone you love be so sick but desperate to do everything and anything to have them get better. It goes back and fourth between denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Denial: I'll just pretend it isn't real. I know delusion when I see it in the mirror. Anger: And I hate to make this all about me. But who am I supposed to talk to? What am I supposed to do, If there's no you? Bargaining: Holy orange bottles, each night I pray to you Desperate people find faith, so now I pray to Jesus too Depression: In doctor's-office-lighting, I didn't tell you I was scared Acceptance: This won't go back to normal, if it ever was It's been years of hoping, and I keep saying it because, Cause I have to

It is something you don't understand until it happens to you. I am heartbroken for anyone who understands while simultaneously being thankful I have someone who understands. It helps me to not feel so alone and I've never heard a song like it.

Here are my rankings for the album, Lover (Taylor's first fully owned album!!!)

Cornelia Street, Soon You'll Get Better (don't make me choose) Daylight Lover Cruel Summer Death By A Thousand Cuts Paper Rings Me! The Man London Boy You Need to Calm Down The Archer False God Miss Americana and The Heartbreak Prince Afterglow I Forgot That You Existed I Think He Knows It's Nice To Have a Friend

My favorite Lover Era Moments:

she's so real for this

one of my favorite performances

Here is the link to the beautiful framed print: I have a ton of these in my house. I print them at walgreens and put them in a frame! I get tons of compliments on them.

Here is a direct link to the storefront:

Here is a link to the lover live from paris vinyl costers:

Here is the direct link to the storefront:

@taylorswift @taylornation

[the-letterbox-archives]

What's up friend!!!!

I would love some rambles about Tales From A Dying Heart if you're down for it???

Also, love your blog <3

file (1)1-21-0610: ask response

thank you honeybe <3, i'd love to give a ramble about tfadh!!

i'm not sure how much i can go on about without spoiling, since the books aren't out yet, but i think i can talk about what i've found of the characters!

i mentioned this in a previous ask, but since the heart itself is the narrator of the stories, and it hates human love as it believes it obstructs its creations from happiness. so in order to strip the protagonists of the impact their love leaves on their identities, the heart gives them false names related to other aspects of their lives (this in tandem with the memory deterioration makes it so the people, if they were ever recovered, have no semblance of their past lives and their capacity for love). i'll give a quick preamble about all the protagonists' false names.

book 1: lady (a tortured heart)

lady's name comes from the title of 'lady,' quite a high position in medieval europe, where this world is slightly based on (but there's not much content there because the story is about the heart and these guys, not their world). lady has faced many hardships, but something she was always able to hold onto was her title; something the heart remembered.

book 2: sweetheart & crow (a dedicated heart)

sweetheart and crow's names come from the heart doing word association with their personalities; 'sweetheart' being chosen because she is a... well, a sweetheart. simply put, she's a very kind person, beloved by all (the heart is not very creative). crow is named after the bird, because crows are considered smart (by bird standards), something that reflects crow's personality as well.

book 3: winter & pyre (a distant heart)

winter and pyre are unique protagonists (though i won't say why yet), and their names are inspired by the two opposite temperatures/seasons; winter being named after the winter season, coldness, and natural disasters that occur in the cold like blizzards and snowstorms, and pyre being named after summer, warm temps, and natural disasters like wildfires and droughts.

book 4: dancer (a free heart)

dancer is named after her occupation, kind of. when she was in better health, she loved to dance, and it was integral to her identity. as her condition worsened, she couldn't dance anymore, but the heart took pity on her and bestowed her a name to reference her best days.

book 5: rook (a cautious heart)

rook is a bit far fetched, i liked the name as-is and had to work backwards with the meaning. in chess, the rook moves in a straight line, and is also sometimes referred to as a tower, elements i associate with strength of character. this is completely paradoxical to rook as he is known in the story, but it holds some meaning in his past life, when he was more self-assured.

book 6: vex (a vengeful heart)

vex's name comes from the word vex, moreso in relation to the term 'vexed,' which can't really encompass all the rage that defines her, but is a solid stab at it. to be fair, there's no single word to adequately describe vex's anger and suffering. the heart tried nonetheless.

book 7: chalice & hunter (a desperate heart)

i've already done a bit on chalice, so i'll just restate that: the heart recognises chalice as a prince, fond of wine and gold, describing chalice's ring's as "golden palms," focusing chalice's identity on his rich, royal status, using his expensive items as the cornerstone of his existence. as for hunter, he's named after his job, he's a bounty hunter and also hunts for food. this still places him below chalice socially, since he's just a hunter and chalice is a prince.

book 8: hornet & dove (a lingering heart)

hornet and dove are named after those animals. the violent, stinging hornet paired with the gentle, peaceful dove. a true match made in hell, and representative of their personalities outside their relationship.

book 9: maestro & muse (an artful heart)

maestro's name comes from the word 'maestro,' meaning an artistic master (usually in a classical music context, but this maestro is related to painting), and muse's name from the word 'muse,' simply a source of inspiration. these names serve to describe their relationship, but it is also effective apart; maestro is obsessed with artistry and being the best, and muse is often just a subject, not a creative herself.

book 10: opal (a defenseless heart)

for opal's name, i searched for pretty, valuable gemstones, and was drawn to the black opal. in the story, opal is often a commodity for others, so that ties in well to the gemstone name.

book 11: aegis & mouse (a protective heart)

aegis' name comes from the word 'aegis,' and describes how he protects his sister (and less often, himself) from harm, being the older sibling and the de-facto responsible one. mouse's name comes less from the stereotypical timid nature of mice (symbolically), but more how small and agile mice are, how they tend to slip through the cracks and go to places they're not supposed to be in, like mouse herself.

book 12: seeker (an honest heart)

seeker's name comes from her role in the heart; she's 'seeking' the truth, 'seeking' those who've been lost, 'seeking' a new life for everyone, without the heart's presence. the heart does not respect seeker enough to grant her a name that honours her past life.

[beesfairlyland]

Hi honey! May I ask your opinion about this post?

https://www.tumblr.com/4dkellyreblogs/727000092676128768/mysticc-i-need-your-help-im-a-17-years-old

I’m sorry it might be a bit long, please ignore me if you don’t want to read it!

Personally, I agree with her opinion. But since lots of bloggers are speaking aggressively against loa, I’m not sure if it’s the right way to look at it.

Hii cutie!!💗

Damnn that was long... Anyways i read it and yeah you do you.

She's kinda correct but there's actually no creator here....no one Manifesting anything. No Reality. All just Illusion. The only Reality is just YOU.

There's literally nothing happening rn it's all just picture placed over another picture in continuity. That makes everything appear as seemingly moving reality.

And the blogger speaking about loa agressively as far as ik is because....ppl who actually don't know much about non dualism have started their blog... teaching ppl about something in what they are themselves naive. Ofc you do you but that can mislead ppl into thinking that nd is some method to get something. Their core understanding is of loa and they kinda mix up loa and nd .... making it sound like some failed science experiment.

Ofc follow whatever you wanna follow but it's your responsibility if you are posting your opinions online.

I was talking to @illusionaurie about it and she said:

"ND is not a method to get desires or manifest. It has nothing to do with manifestation or shifting. There is no manifestation or creation. What is being “created” or “manifested” when everything already just IS. It’s like saying you must create eyes when your eyes are already just there. ND is merely a pointer concept to “who/what” you are. The only similarity between ND, Law of assumption and shifting is that they are all just empty concepts and appearances like everything else. That’s why most “ “ bloggers have “no concepts” in their bio. Also there is nothing to believe in, because who is “believing” and in what? What is a belief actually? Nothing 🤷‍♀️ Baseless and empty just like everything else, everything is nothing. Nothing is as it seems.

And what is faith? You’re not a human who needs to have faith in thinking they are God. There is no human. No faith. No creation. Your very “nature/being” is “God”. God / THAT / Awareness whatever you want to call it is all that there is."

" "Everything” just IS. As for the I guess main point of her answer: “The main objective is: freedom from a false sense of self-identification.” I see what she is saying, but it’s more recognising that you never were a human being. What is there to dis-identify with when it doesn’t exist. Merely the subtle noticing that it never was, “everything” is just nothing. And what she said about ND being a “lifestyle of living” I don’t really understand because it’s just a pointer concept to your “true being/nature”, whether your lifestyle is of one as a monk in the mountains or billionaire CEO that goes golfing every Monday it doesn’t matter. And I saw something of needing to disbelieve but who is believing and what is a belief really? And who is understanding? What is there to understand? There’s no desires, no manifestation, no faith, no creation. “ “ just is."

In the end it all boils down to nothing. All this knowledge we are gaining....the books we are reading it's all of no use.

You can only EXPERIENCE THAT!

[semthescientist]

i’ve noticed with being on law of assumption twitter that there’s this running theme of condemning people and calling them lazy because they aren’t always balls deep in affirming or some other method. obviously, i know that to be false because people are trying in every way to get their manifestations so that seems more like dedication on their part but that’s besides the point.

i really find it distasteful that being human seems to be so demonized. if you aren’t crying through your affirmations or brushing something off then you don’t want your shit bad enough. self-concept gets talked about like it’s the big bad wolf, and with all the discourse i see it’s obvious people are responding to different parts of a conversation just to have something to talk about.

manifestation is identity selection. manifesting is not affirming, it’s not sats, it’s not 10k challenges—it’s just identity selection. when one is doing any method or technique but still accepting that they are the opposite, all of their work is in vain. doesn’t matter how you chop, flip, or screw it—you cannot get something you think is above you and if you do get it, maintaining longevity will prove to be difficult. like if you believe the 8th floor is the only one to exist, you’ll never see past it, you wouldn’t dare to imagine what the 10th floor looks like.

you are always choosing an identity. i don’t care if you hate self-concept, i don’t care if you don’t want to work on yours. which by the way, is not just telling yourself your beautiful and pretty. only you know what beliefs you hold to your core and sometimes it’s deeper than your looks or your bank account. also, you tossing those old beliefs is not you taking the long route. i used to think that this would somehow make my manifestations take longer but that’s just silly. we all know manifestation is supposed to be fun, but how could it possibly be that way if you’re doubting yourself every moment, stressed, and constantly having breakdowns.

it’s not a way to think you’re broken, you’re not fixing anything. you’re merely taking off that costume. all those shitty and negative beliefs that say you can’t have something, do something, be something are the things you’re discarding. self-concept isn’t some new-age thing either, it’s really how you view yourself and i’m telling you, you can’t get something you think you truly aren’t worthy of having. you can’t maintain it. and please tell me, what is so wrong about looking yourself dead in the eye every morning and telling yourself that you can have absolutely anyone or anything, that nothing is impossible to you, that you’re a gift and it’s obvious?

manifestation is natural. it’s the way life works. every single moment of every single day you are choosing an identity, and you always have the free will to select which identity you’d like. everything good in life is simple. you are totally allowed to just decide right now, in this very moment that you are a blessing, that you are proof that angels exist. you are totally allowed to decide that every aspect of your life is perfectly ideal, harmonious, and blissful. you are totally allowed to decide that money grows on trees for you. you are totally allowed to just decide that you have a top-shelf self concept.

techniques and methods are here to remind you of what already is true, and sometimes we forget that. but again, everything good in life is simple so it doesn’t hurt to remind yourself that what you want is already present within you and that is why you have it. all it takes is a bit of redirection. i also suggest doing that when limiting beliefs rear their heads. i like to do it this way so i’m not just slapping an affirmation over something that’s really bothering me.

identify the belief, tell yourself why it’s not true, then create an affirmation that directly cancels the limiting belief out.

i feel like the person i want would never choose me -> this isn’t true because i’m me, i am a good thing. i am a wonderful thing. i’m as good as it fucking gets, anybody would be blessed to have me, including them -> i was born chosen, i was born loved, i was born worthy and it’s so goddamn obvious. any man/woman would want me.

or

i’m kind of worried because i don’t know if the money will come back -> this isn’t true because i’m wealth itself, how the fuck could i lack something that comes from me? -> money grows on trees for me, it falls out of the sky. there has been and will always be an ample supply of the things i want.

or

i feel like if i don’t affirm or do my technique i won’t get my manifestation -> this isn’t true because the reason why i have what i want is because i am deciding. it’s true because i’ve decided so, it’s not true because i’ve said affirmations 100 times. my word is law and if i say it’s mine then there’s nothing that can tell me otherwise -> i can be calm confident and know that what i want is done. i am the God of my reality and my desire for something alone will bring it to me.

you get the idea, just talk to yourself or journal it out. only you know what beliefs are really nagging at you and when things are just fleeting thoughts, so only address what you feel is necessary. anywho, i simply wanted to make this because i’m not a fan of the blind leading the blind. you’re not lazy, you’re not doing anything wrong, and you’re not missing anything. you were simply misguided. also, remember, if it doesn’t sit right with you then reject it mentally!

love you byeeeeeee

[yuri-is-online]

Just finished Sinostra's chapter myself.... I gotta say though, was a little underwhelming compared to other chapters.... Honestly the entire thing felt like a one-man show by Ritsu + some sexual tension between Taiga and Romeo whenever they interact lol. MC has never felt more like a spectator than she did in this chapter, I was waiting for her to do absolutely *anything* but she really was just... there lmao. Not even hand-holding this time!

Even the Like Dove showed up AFTER mc left, when it was just Taiga and Romeo in the room, and then later again when Romeo barges into Taiga's room - this time mc was there but, just barely lol, the whole focus was on Taiga and Romeo's almost shoot-off, and Taiga's line saying "You really could shoot through my heart"?? And the fact that he sensed Romeo approaching before he even saw him, and so far is the only person who he clearly remembers and freely gives compliments to lol, Lulu is a cute nickname tho.

Regardless, Taiga's strange response to the Like Dove could possibly mean Kaito's explanation about it might not be true after all, since anomalies are still a mystery, wouldn't be strange for false rumors to make the rounds.

And I while I don't hate Ritsu - I appreciate he's a hard worker and tries to make the best of any situation he's put in - I dislike how he really just one-sidedly handled everything in this chapter and only ever explains after they're done lol. The case didn't feel like an investigation at all, Ritsu just pulls some numbers out of the air and acts on them (where is he getting all that data??) and in the end they won against it because it had to prevent a paradox from happening...? lmao idk overall just felt so underwhelming.

Also we never find out what the deal was about the girl in the tower?? Why even mention that detail if they're not gonna do anything with it... An anomaly that was born from the negative emotions gathering in a casino replaces people's memories with a girl in a tower.... My guess is it wanted enough people to "remember" her so she could come into existence? Like Takeru's ghost. I wonder what for though... Will they revisit this or not.....

You could pluck out MC from this chapter and absolutely nothing would change imo because Ritsu was doing everything anyways, only name-dropped mc when mentioning it was an investigation, that's it. While I don't necessarily need her to be the star or a hero, having 0 influence on the chapter is not great writing imo.

Kaito and his silly antics were the highlight for me. And I found it hilarious how him being stripped down and locked up in Romeo's "private office" feels like the setting of any self-indulgent "dark romance" fiction between a rich CEO and helpless debtor who has to cater to the captor's whims lol.

Finally Hotarubi is next, I've been curious about it since I got sorted into it, and want to see more of Haku. I agree he's sus, his dialogue in the prologue if you choose him only highlights the fact. But something about him really compels me

Sorry for the long ask, I have a thousand thoughts twirling around in my mind about TD, it should probably cool down between the entire month that's left before next story update.... but also there's new games coming out next month so hopefully I don't forget about TD completely either lol....

There is no shame in long asks. I'm always impressed at the amount of thoughts my dear anons manage to fit inside the ask box ♡

I also felt like the content was a bit lacking to the point I went and checked Jabberwock's chapter count and was surprised to find it's actually a tad shorter than Sinostra's. I think the main reason it felt so short to me was because I wasn't locked out of progressing this time around, but the case progression also felt much much quicker. If I'm sitting back and evaluating it as a writer, I think that's probably because of the setting being confined to the school and dorm. Sure, a lot happens, but you don't actually go anywhere, unlike in the previous three books.

Our MC has a very laid-back personality, which I don't mind. BUT the game really should allow for the chance for her to work things out on her own, even if she's too afraid of the other characters to verbalize it and keeps them to herself. There are several times in the book when she tries to point out inconsistencies in Ritsu's logic or other evidence she notices, but she's talked over pretty much every single time. It's what made me really hate Ritsu since you did not see that with Ren, Haru, or Towa, but i get that it's sort of tricky when writing more domineering characters to balance not making them overshadow the more laid back ones but still keeping them true to their personalities. I don't think Ritsu would have paid attention to Kaito if MC wasn't there, nor do I think Taiga would have paid attention to Ritsu, but that's just me speculating because the story doesn't clearly communicate it. This book was poorly written, a lot of the problems people have with MC could be fixed with a few additional lines where she's shown wanting to do something but reminding herself she has to play nice with the ghouls otherwise they won't break her curse. Her personality makes sense to me, but her writing does not.

Now. I disagree about the no real moments this chapter but ah. Well. You see. There is something deeply wrong with me so I completely get if this did nothing but disturb you but when Taiga has MC strapped to the torture chair 👉��

Look I know potentially getting a hicky from a guy that strapped you to a torture chair and just shot you (for the second time) isn't everyone's thing but it is mine I was so well fed this chapter from that alone ( ; ω ; ) AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON HOW HE CALLS HER KITTEN AND EATS THE FUCKING LIKE DOVE??? RAW??? ROMEO ROMEO WHY FOR ART THOU INTERRUPING ROMEO I WANTED TO SEE WHAT HE WAS GONNA DO- forgive me anon I'm afraid I'm most unwell.

Speaking of the Like dove and the memories of the tower. The Tower thing reminds me of rapunzel, especially because she's out alone in the woods, but it feels super out of left field, no? If the anomaly is born from the Casino, which Taiga states "is him," then I wonder if the girl in the tower is representative of something he's forgotten? The chapter places an emphasis on how anomalies can affect memory, so it's not too big of an assumption to make that something must have happened to Taiga to make his memory this bad. As for the like dove... Romeo seems very surprised to see it, almost suggesting he never has before, which can you imagine how funny it would be if it showed up for him and Taiga. They've been friends and business partners for at least two years, I refuse to believe the dove would only just show up now. The image of him just never seeing it because everyone is too polite/afraid of him to point it out is too funny. The dove shows up twice this chapter, both times it sort of read to me like it had been there for a bit before it was noticed and in both cases Taiga reacts to it negatively. Given how paranoid he seems to be, I think it's probably because the idea of him caring/having someone care about him scares him due to the unpredictability of it and the potential for betrayal. He seems to think people only want to use him, so that's probably part of it too. I'm constantly doing way too many lines of copium, so to me the dove seemed triggered by Taiga's interactions with MC but I also see where you're coming with Romeo. Their friendship is much less adversarial than it was implied to be in their little blurbs, and I quite like that a lot. You know even if Taiga seems to think Romeo is always taking away his fun. And what's up with his constant want to eat anomalies, is Romeo not feeding him enough?

Slight correction, Taiga does seem to remember who Haru is, Harry and Lulu are both derivative of their names, so maybe he can only remember people in his year clearly? Or does it also include second years? He sounds very surprised at the concept of a "first year ghoul" in his house so maybe his memories are cutting off everything other than the previous two years...

I also have a bunch more thoughts but I'll cut myself off here ×-× gotta let some of them simmer before I make too much of a fool of myself (I already have)

[crystalsenergy]

the mind's entrapment and the heart's path (wtf? come here and see)

when we consider that people also make wrong choices because they are also in learning processes,

repeating others' steps is literally copying and pasting their mistakes into your life.

Why are you so afraid to follow yourself?

The mind seeks what worked for others, but this has always frustrated you and will continue to frustrate you because no path is the same...

Just think about the feeling of frustration when you search the internet for an answer to a completely personal and particular question, and nothing comes up that truly resonates.

Why?

Perhaps because the answer is not outside?!

Or because there is no encyclopedia in our existence with all the answers to every personal situation each of us has.

The mind seeks the quickest path,

which often will frustrate you, in the short or long term...

The heart, however, feels, lives, and vibrates with what truly makes sense on your personal path.

The amount of love I feel for a person is understood by me, and I cannot expect others to understand and feel the love I feel. The amount of happiness I feel in a career is felt and understood by me...

In other words: there is no experience by proxy.

It's the same as p0rn0gr4phy. People try to transfer themselves to someone else's external experience, FAKING feelings, desires, and sensations, but it's so false that it becomes a repetitive and vicious cycle, of roller coasters rather than something stable, true, and lasting.

After all, they are not experiencing it; they are manufacturing their own feelings.

Experiences MUST be lived by us.

I said it before and I repeat it now: there is no experience by proxy.

In the process of experience, we must connect, feel, perceive, because each experience will have a unique meaning depending on the person.

And each experience will occur according to what you need to learn and be now. Break free from the chains of patterns... connect to YOURSELF.

It is much more enjoyable and personal when it is about you, with you, for you (and I'm referring to anything in your life!).

It is important to understand that things must be what our essence wants to seek and achieve, not what others say it should be.

The other's path made sense to them. But it won't necessarily make sense to you (and there is more than a 90% chance it won't make sense to you).

Especially when we consider that people also make wrong choices because they are also in learning processes. Repeating others' steps is literally copying and pasting their mistakes into your life (adding this mistake to another: that of already avoiding yourself).

It’s like copying someone’s test in school or college, but doing this in life is even more serious because you will always be copying from others, and unlike a test, getting out of this mistake will cost a bit more time and energy.

So, why not start today reflecting on WHICH STEPS YOU HAVE TAKEN? And if you have been doing this to follow someone specific or society, stagnating or regressing in your own process of evolution? Why are you so afraid to follow yourself?

That is why a person gets so frustrated when seeking ready-made answers; when they watch videos looking for ready-made answers to their situation or what should be done.

There is no protocol for life. The script is your own path, to be discovered, painted, and filled in by you.

Look INSIDE, not outside.

That is why we don't understand the processes of others, let alone our own. It’s a mirror. When we don’t understand ourselves on our own path, we distance ourselves from our essence and from what the heart truly wants to point out.

When we don’t understand ourselves, how can we understand others?

And then we gradually distance ourselves from other attributes linked to the essence: intuition, empathy, sensitivity.

Because everything becomes mechanized, and thus, we disconnect from feeling, from self-connection, and from connection with others.

And, doing this, patterns are reinforced,

after all, people were constantly doing exactly what did not resonate with them, but which the world viralized and determined as right (but which worked for one, two, or a small group).

And then you distance yourself from understanding everything that is within the essence (intuition, connection w/ yourself, self-knowledge, truly knowing others) and everything that is particular and unique also becomes increasingly imperceptible to your eyes... becoming incomprehensible as well.

When you need answers, look inside, not outside.

[captain-maws]

my (probably not great) explanation for how i think karma/rebirth/ascension in rain world works

hello internet welcome to gay theory. are you confused about how rain world’s karma system works? great, me too! wtf is going on! don’t worry i have a theory as to how it works.

look at my funny diagram

my theory sorta builds on the theory that the world in rw is infinitely layered. there is a “surface world” above and beneath every world. you can sort of think of them as separate timelines, dimensions, etc. the reason i interpret it like this is because of a specific lore pearl--in one of the subterranean pearls, moon says this:

"If you leave a stone on the ground, and come back some time later, it's covered in dust. This happens everywhere, and over several lifetimes of creatures such as you, the ground slowly builds upwards.

So why doesn't the ground collide with the sky? Because far down, under the very very old layers of the earth, the rock is being dissolved or removed. The entity which does this is known as the Void Sea.

If you drill far enough into the earth you begin encountering a substance called Void Fluid. The deeper you go, the less rock and more Void Fluid. It's believed that there is a point where the rock completely gives way - below that would be the Void Sea.

When that stone you placed on the ground has finally done its time in the sediments, it meets the Void Fluid and is dissolved, leaving the physical world."

THE DUST IS VERY IMPORTANT. IT’S OFFHANDEDLY MENTIONED BUT IT’S IMPORTANT HERE’S WHY: it’s never explained where this dust comes from. supposedly, it comes from the sky. but how? infinitely layered world baby

how it works is that the matter that the void sea in the above surface world is dissolved and becomes dust, which then rains down onto the below surface world. but you can’t just fly up into the void sea, the devs have said the ancients have been to space iirc. the dust comes from an opening in the sky, only perceivable when encountering echoes, because echoes reside in a different realm (but not a different world, more on that in a bit).

now ik you’re saying “okay BUT what abt the whole death and rebirth thing???” im getting to that.

when slugcat, or any other creature dies, they begin perceiving the world from a slugcat on another layer. all of the layers are identical, so when waking up after dying, everything looks the same, so it’s easy to think that you just. died and then woke back up, when really, you’re on a different surface world/layer. it ties into the buddhist concept of there being no single central self.

but what about those who ascend? well take a look at my next funny diagram

*i do want to mention that the top right corner’s text is outdated. i don’t think they’re reborn as their self from their previous existence, rather they’re born into the life/body of another creature depending on karma. they could be reborn as the same species or something new.

so in using the void sea to achieve ascension, it's a sort of false ascension. those who do manage to ascend via the void sea only end up reborn in a new layer. so while the material body is gone from the living realm, the soul isn't. ascension via the void sea is thus just another part of the cycle, since you’re effectively just moving in-between spiritual realms. true ascension means that every instance of yourself from each layer joins into one single, central self, and that central self is crossed out. once that central self dies, it has nowhere to transfer the soul, thus achieving true ascension and breaking the cycle.

and how does one go about doing that? uh. i don’t fuckin know. adopt a The Saint Rain World.

feel free to lmk what u think :>!! hopefully i explained this well enough

[shallowseeker]

Sam and Dean are grieving the loss of Mary, Jack, and Rowena very differently in 15x06 Golden Time.

Sam is throwing himself into the mission and rushing to rekindle the thing with Eileen. Dean, on the other hand...is stuck.

DEAN IN STASIS

INT. MEN OF LETTERS - KITCHEN - NIGHT

ONE: Dean is eating Jack-type cereal. The lack of Jack mentions are LOUD, y'all. Jack's death too painful to mention, much less face. That's why Dean will later default to talking about Bel as "code" for Jack.

When Cas died, Dean ate PB&J, and when [OMITTED] died, Dean ate cereal. Cocoa Crunch. That's a Jack-coded cereal in the script, as Jack was shown eating Crunch Cookie Crunch last season.

TWO, wow--that is one SERIOUSLY DEPRESSED man. Sam is taken aback by just how depressed and downtrodden Dean is beneath his barbed jokes. //

SAM, INCENSED

Sam is soooo frustrated and mad about it. Here Sam is, working SO hard, and Dean's given up. (Not to mention, Cas is giving Sam the silent treatment by proxy. Poor Sam, really.)

Dean's not allowed to give up. He won't. He can't. Per season 15's The Trap, that's not the Dean who raised Sam.

///

Dean doesn't rise to Sam's irritation, not even a little bit:

Not vindicated, just deflated.

So, Dean goes back to stress-eating and watching his stasis-oriented comfort series to escape it all. Dean plays up the act, eating messily.

///

Cas is...who knows where he is.

(fatalistic)

What is a fatalistic person? A fatalist is someone who feels that no matter what he or she does, the outcome will be the same because it's predetermined. Fatalists share a sense of being powerless to change the world. In philosophy, a fatalist is someone who holds specific beliefs about life, destiny, and the future.

Chuck is hostile. Dean's life is a hoax. Mary is dead. Jack is dead. The future is dead. Cas is dead to him. Cas left him. There's nothing left for Dean to have faith in anymore.

There is no future.

Sam can't deal with a fatalistic Dean, so he goes for a run. Dean grabs more cereal and continue la wallowing in despair.

///

Meanwhile, Cas is finding a sense of renewed resolution

Dean may be fatalistic, but Cas becomes resolved to stand and fight Chuck.

(Cas has become seriously strong-willed over the course of the series. I'm so proud of him!)

The nice thing here is that Cas has BEEN fatalistic before, too. He was there in seasons 7-8, you know?

(In a way, Dean's where Cas himself was then! If Moriah-Dean is season 4-Cas, then Golden Time-Dean is easily a season 7-Cas.)

Anyway, because he's already weather existential crises and rebellion, Cas is better positioned to process, and he does.

(Sam, too, went through bouts of fatalism and despair, notably when he went AWOL on Kevin, "You're well and truly alone," etc, and purely driven by the need to escape, and then took on the Hell trials.)

Here, they're all suffering from the existential wound of Chuck and the loss of meaning in their lives, even Cas.

///

And Cas realizes something about Chuck's game, a resounding gong against his past escapism:

///

Off Cas, finally resolved.

///

DEAN SPIRALLING

Cut back to Dean. Self-defeated:

15x06 Golden Time

It is not until Dean meets up with his dark mirror in Lee in 15x07 Last Call that his will to fight returns.

It's no accident that Lee bears some resemblance to the Dean in AU Michael's Nihilism world. Dean had some contentment (not true happiness) in the falseness of Rocky's Bar, for sure, but it existed primarily as a means of fleeing the storm that was raging outside.

It was an anorexic happiness, a contented world of potential with no risks.

Lee is like the ghost of Christmas Future, and Dean finally rejects becoming his worst self.

(All scripts here.) via @spnscripthunt

[ash-n-dynamite]

Memories

My relationship with my history is complicated. At one point my reality was whatever I wanted to make it. What was truth one day could change the next and still be just as true as the first. I would override and rewrite memories as needed, and my history was ever changing. Backstory details shifted while a few key cornerstones always remained the same. This was the advantage of existing as a daydream.

But when I stepped out of that existence and into the life of a being a member of a system that slowly changed. The longer I was a fictive the more my history solidified. I had to be careful resurfacing memories, because when I did they fixed permanently in place. There wasn't any more rewriting or deciding I was unhappy with something and changing it later.

I became increasingly unhappy the more I remembered. Then I was introduced to false memories and I spiraled, stuck wondering what was real and what was fabricated. But why was I bothered by the idea of fabricated memories when that was all I did when existing in a daydream? I *know* my memories are exo-memories. I know what that means, I'm not in denial to that bit of my reality. So again, why am I bothered by false memories? Technically aren't all my memories false? All of them fabricated? Maybe it's because my exo-memories could be much happier than I'm remembering. Maybe I've been robbing myself. That sure would be nice, even if doubtful.

I'm going to return to my thought on cornerstones. While watching Westworld this in particular stuck with me. Hell, as a fictive the entire first season hit me like a truck left and right. There's this idea that there are key parts, or narratives, to you that can't change. No matter how much your story is rewritten your cornerstone remains untouchable. Something when stripped down to your bare bones you'll always be left with. It's what makes you, you. The building blocks of a personality. My source self is kinda my cornerstone. The backstory of Elizabeth Caledonia Ashe is my foundation. I've got my theme of neglectful parents, Bob, rebellious youth, found family, lawlessness, being a leader, and suffering great betrayal. There's more, but the well known things about me and the key points of my history that shaped my character don't change. These "canon" ideas are the things I could never change, even when daydreaming.

These are the exo-memories that matter I wager. Everything else I think I remember is just icing on the cake, and honestly they are likely all false memories. I'll write them down and when I revisit them later I'll think "what the hell was I on?" when the words look unfamiliar and the memory feels like a lie.

I'll get frustrated, then I'll become angry and bitter. I avoid digging for memories because I hate that even the good ones will feel like a made up story in a few short months later on. I still comment on things I remember doing in a past life, it's natural, its unstoppable. But I don't write these down, I don't bother with consistency or trying to recall them again. They are what they are, and I don't allow myself to dwell.

There are things about my past self I feel required to mirror and display in order to remain true to myself. To remain Caledonia Ashe. But truthfully I don't need to. I'm already me, even without doing the things I did back then. It doesn't matter what I can remember or think I remember. I've got my cornerstones dug into me deep, and as I live this very different life those things aren't changing. This is an entirely new story, new history, new body, new everything. But I'm still gonna be the same ol' me. Just like them Host is Westworld.

A big thing I'm doing as a fictive is making myself a life here. I've done a decent job separating myself from source besides keeping a few familiar faces around. I am making sure I move forward and doing that requires I don't waste time worrying about what I remember from my past life being right or wrong. It's been hard, but it's also allowed me to progress and heal. I look down at the serene, sleeping visage of my partner system and know what matters now is the present.

But, I will admit, I still get just the slightest bit envious when I see other fictives or even kin sharing memories. I've made the choice to not dig for mine, so I am left with very little. But seeing others from my source share their history does make me feel a little left out, and a little bit jealous. Even a little bit homesick.