#there’s so much less story if it’s just told from gyros perspective

[wacky-nameless-inventor-24]

For your new AU, I’d love to hear what you have planned for the Fenton and Mads interactions bc it sounds really interesting! Always up for listening to your ideas :D

Kudos! Hope you can find the right name for the AU!

YAAAAAYY I GET TO TALK ABOUT THEMMMMMM

Okay so FIRST OFF one of my favorite things about this is how obsessed Mads is with the hero/villain dynamic between them. This guy absolutely upholds that to the best of their ability. It’s a game to them and it’s one they love. TO THE POINT WHERE I was thinking the opening scene to this story is Mads kidnapping Gyro SOLELY for the purpose of attracting Gizmoduck (and that this happens regularly sldlflgk). Like to the point where it’s obvious Mads couldn’t care less what happens to Gyro once he’s kidnapped, Gyro could escape and Mads wouldn’t even notice he’d be too busy fighting Gizmoduck sldlflglg They do have a very Megamind/Metroman thing going on

ANOTHER THING IS Fenton’s the first person to notice that Mads is slowly acting differently. Everyone else is stressing out like ‘oh how do we stop them!!!!’ and it’s Fenton who takes a minute to be like ‘okay but did you notice how much more subdued they are now? What’s up with that??’

Because of that Fenton’s the one that goes to them first about it, and pesters them enough about it to get them to open up. Idk if I want to spoil toooooo much but it gets to the point where despite still being their enemy, Fenton’s also Mads’ caretaker (and Mads does reject him at first because they’re trying so hard to keep that hero/villain standard). Which!!! Is why I’m having a hard time with this because some of this isn’t supposed to be noticeable at first so the story’s supposed to be from Gyro’s pov (because as much as Mads doesn’t care about him he cares about them even less, so he’s not going to be too closely following their emotions and personality), but again all of the good parts happen between Mads and Fenton 😔😔😔 I’d either have to break that and therefore the suspense/mystery or have a million retrospective moments from Fenton’s pov

[leoriowithaknife]

I would like to know about Wolf ocs

ahh, i’m so flattered 🤍 let me compile my character notes into something less daunting- (i have... written a lot about them so far and at this point idk Where to post about them without it being too much for one post jfklds)

i made myself a fan-crew, their vessel is the uss hestia and it orbits ross 154, one of the sister-stars to wolf 359. the crew members are:

[image description] a rough black and white sketch which depicts the four human crew members of the uss hestia seated together at a cafeteria table in-uniform eating gyros. captain qadira saifi is a dark-skinned hijabi woman. sitting to her left is anastasia xenakis, a white woman with rectangular glasses on her face and dark hair tied back in a bun. across from xenakis is hadriel braverman, a tan-skinned man with dark hair and a modest beard. to the left of braverman (and across from captain saifi) is commander daphne pike, a white woman with short choppy hair. [end of image description]

captain qadira saifi - she was astonished to have been recruited as the crew’s captain and fully expected that she wouldn’t be sent on an actual space exploration mission. like, ever. but here she is, the captain of the hestia, and her leadership skills are rock solid; qadira’s very cool-headed, acts a bit like ‘the dad friend’ in many ways—and has absolutely said “i’m not angry. i’m just disappointed” to members of her crew. she is the complete opposite of ‘impulsive’, she is someone who prefers to wait and plan (sometimes to her detriment). she’s a firm believer in the idea that “words said in anger cannot be unsaid and reactions based on assumptions cannot be undone, but sincere apologies can diffuse anger and acknowledged errors can be forgiven.”

scientific officer anastasia “anna” xenakis - at age 24, she’s the youngest member of the crew (save for rafi, the autopilot, who’s a mere 5 years old). anna is a somewhat ‘prodigal’ scientist (and honestly... just lucky and privileged but has been told for much of her life that she is a gifted prodigy and it has, indeed, gone to her head just a little bit). i feel like i need to write a whole special post about her since she’s the character on this crew whose background and story is the most crucial to the series of events that unfold in their ‘canon’ plotline.. to be brief, anna’s family is close to goddard futuristics. they’ve contributed financially to goddard and they’d probably call themselves acquaintances with marcus cutter. and anna becomes the scientific officer on the hestia’s ross-154 mission because of that connection (more below the cut because i’m going to ramble a lot and get spoilery... you presented me with the opportunity, ok, you activated my trap card by asking about my ocs jfklds and i love you for it so thank you). in summary, anna’s more of a biochemistry specialist but possesses an adequete understanding of computers, enough to be of *some* assistance to the ship’s computer, rafi, when he needs her help.

communications officer hadriel braverman - more of an artist at heart, hadriel originally went to school for music theory and performance (violin and cello) before convincing himself that his talents ‘weren’t going to get him anywhere’ (and, yes, he does have daddy issues). he swiched fields and began studying engineering, still in the realm of music and sound with radio technology and the like. music became more of a hobby. and when he got a job with goddard, he was recruited as an already-existing employee. apart from anna, he’s pretty close to goddard futuristics from a labor experience perspective. hadriel, like qadira, was sort of shocked that he was being offered a role in the mission. like an actual space exploration mission? where they study a star? in space? on a space station? it was a lot for him. but he was also at a point in his life (32 yrs old, told his job is ‘dead end’ and he feels like a disappointment) where he was sort of just like. fuck it. i need to get away from all this shit on earth. and he agrees to be the hestia’s communications officer.

commander daphne rogers-pike (who just goes by daphne pike, often omits her hyphenated name) - our resident robot rights activist and lesbian from boston, daphne is a very heart-on-her-sleeve kind of person. she openly expresses her emotions (not always the most ideal for a high-stress space mission but we love her nonetheless). she, like anna, is a bit of a prodigal scientist.. but, unlike anna, she’s an expert with computers, robotics, machinery, and hardware... additionally unlike anna, daphne worked her ass off at a full-time job while she was an undergraduate in university to access any of the same opportunities anna received. so there’s... to put it lightly... a lot of tension between them (more about it under the cut).

and the ship’s autopilot program, rafi - we love our sentient AI in this house! early on in the mission, captain saifi and commander pike agreed that the crew’s duties need to be equal. they understand rafi to be a person with autonomy and they treat him as such. one of the 5 main rules on the hestia is: if there’s a job that you can do yourself, there’s no need to burden rafi with it. he’s busy enough keeping everyone alive and maintaining the ship at all times. he doesn’t need extra tasks. additionally, he (much like rhea) didn’t originally have a voice; he asked anna to give him one. but, being that daphne is much more adept with computer stuff, daphne and anna end up working together (a rare example of their collaborative solidarity) to help give rafi a voice; at first, it sounds just like a default computer voice-over. over time, however, rafi literally grows into it. it sort of stretches. he’s able to put inflections on words and imply emotional affect with tone, which makes the sound quality a bit glitchy at times but the hiccups in his voice’s modulation are evidence of his sentience! he naturally has a bit of a stutter, glitches excitedly, and can indeed (for emotionally-expressive reasons) emulate breathing and crying. that’s how he understands humans to communicate. additionally, his name was suggested by captain saifi, to whom he often confides (more about this below the cut).

more about the plot of my oc’s little.. w359-related storyline and the characters’ dynamics with each other below the cut if you want to read it:

with regards to character dynamics: hadriel and daphne are fast friends. they goof off together like a brother and sister, and have an equally jovial relationship with rafi. they’re a trifecta of clowns and they work amazingly together. captain saifi has her moments of juvenile joy and foolishness & such, too, but she rarely gets involved with their collective hijinks—she’s fine hanging out with rafi and chatting, a bit like a cousin or a significantly older sister. rafi views qadira and anna as his confidantes for Seious Heavy topics like emotional maturity, sentience, and more nebulous things like the existence of a higher power. hadriel and daphne? those are his friends for making jokes with, playing games with, and talking casually with... he feels best when he can make the distinction between his friendships with each of the crew members. he understands that he doesn’t need to have an identical dynamic with everyone. which is good. captain saifi has the closest friendships with rafi and hadriel. not that she doesn’t still enjoy having the company of anna or daphne but. different contexts. daphne is a fun person for her to talk super casually with (like her “off duty” voice.. when they’re no longer a superior and subordinate, but equals as two friends sharing a living space.. in outer space lmao) and anna.. she thinks of anna almost like a younger sister. qadira’s trying to be the best influence on her as possible.

so, with regards to the ‘story’ at large, the uss hestia is launched to ross 154 because it was hypothesized by goddard futuristics to be a potential site for contact with artificial intelligence. cutter and his cronies selected a crew which was intended to make anna xenakis to feel alienated (classic grade A goddard manipulative tactics, keep reading). differing class backgrounds, differing religious beliefs, differing academic backgrounds, differing ‘personalities’ based on psych evaluations, etc. because anna? is being given special orders from goddard as the scientific officer. she is essentially being asked to sacrifice one of her crewmates to ross 154 with the hoped-for effect being that they will be memory-copied by the extraterrestrial forces goddard has been watching for decades, based on one of several theories their sadistic scientists cooked up. she keeps analog notes to prevent rafi from being able to even Potentially access the information. and it almost fucking works. she comes scary close to being the person that cutter pegged her for. she almost lets her reactionary emotions get the better of her; she almost. sacrifices daphne. but during one brush with death, in which daphne helps anna by being a good fellow scientist and supporting anna in areas where she doesn’t have expertise... and it really makes her realize that what she’s doing is wrong. deeply wrong. she’s still very afraid of what will happen if goddard finds out that she’s disobeying her orders from cutter. but she comes clean anyway.

concerning anna’s connections to cutter and goddard, i feel that cutter probably thinks he sees a lot of himself in anna but, truthfully, he sees himself in a facade that she wears in high-class social scenarios; and this has been cutter’s only exposure to her. so, of course, he sticks her with a crew of people that he assumes she will consider disposable—because he thinks, like him, she will consider her crew mates to be assets and resources. or components of the experiment rather than people. and he thought wrong.

when anna confesses, comes forward and says, “there’s something you all need to know,” they’ve already spent 2 years orbiting ross 154 together. hadriel, who had a pretty good relationship with anna as a friend, feels betrayed. qadira feels betrayed and disappointed. daphne! daphne finally got to thinking “wow maybe i assumed wrong about anna. maybe she’s alright after all, maybe i misjudged her and i was in the wrong having all these defensive reactions to her and assuming that she was undermining my scientific knowledge.” but she does a complete 180 when anna fesses up to all of the stuff she went along with, working with goddard behind their backs. i mean, fuck, hadriel finds anna’s records on all of them (morbidly named the anna-log) and is just like. blown away by what she was observing about them. he does come to trust her again but.. not for a while.

anna and hadriel knew each other prior to manning the hestia’s ross 154 mission together and, for anna, going to space as an astronaut was like... her equivalent of taking a gap year to go backpacking in europe—and daphne says that; she makes that comparison to anna's face (as she Should) because, for anna, in daphne's opinion, this mission was an offer that ~landed on her lap~ due to her family's connections to goddard as big donors. so hadriel, reading anna's log book, discovers that anna was literally comparing them side by side because she was being asked to sacrifice one or more of them to the star in order to bait the aliens?? it’s emotionally trying for him. having a pre-existing professional relationship and friendship with anna makes anna's confession that much more sticky and messy and challenging to process. like, "holy shit, anna. i thought i knew you. i thought i understood you. i trusted you, and this entire time you've been considering me as a candidate for alien bait" while anna's response is like "but i was never going to sacrifice YOU, it was going to be daphne! until i changed my mind!" to which hadriel says "you want to know something, anna? that's worse." and there’s just such a chasm between anna and the rest of the crew for a while.

in the days after anna’s confession, qadira tells anna that "cutter and all those other tools at goddard are asking you to sacrifice us. they're asking you to measure us, compare us with each other and treat us like assets—treat us like we’re disposable because we’re the components of a sadistic, twisted scientific experiment. to them, we’re a means to an end. and if they think of US that way, tell me, what do you reckon they think of YOU, anna? how do you know they won't betray you, too, if the opportunity presents itself? how do you know for certain they won't turn around and screw you over? ....think about that. and come find me again if you want to talk about 'loyalty' ...whatever sense of it you have, anyway" just going for the fucking jugular with how disappointed she is.

qadira decides that the best thing for everyone, after anna confesses, is to ban anna from the labs. she’s not a prisoner.. but rafi is asked to surveil her closely. and he’s asked not to speak to her but he insists on making conversation with her. in his mind, she did the right thing in coming forward. she hadn’t done anything yet, and though punishment for her intentions is fair, she’s still his friend. and he’s scared, too. daphne and qadira could pull rank on him and order rafi to disengage—they could order him not to speak with her. but they don’t. they would never stoop that low.

still, anna is kept away from rafi’s mainframe ports and the labs where she would be able to continue her studies & tests. but the clock is fucking ticking. anna tells them if she doesn’t send a report back to goddard within a certain timeframe, it’s going to be suspect and she doesn’t know What is going to happen if they simply stop sending updates but... nothing good. so then qadira decides they’re all going to lie and they’re going to do everything in their power to make it seem like everything is still going according to plan. anna is going to write convincing reports that are thoroughly checked by daphne, hadriel, rafi, and again by herself. and they’re going to pray that it works.

a LOT of the tension between daphne and anna stems from both of them being scientists, and daphne resenting anna for being yet another privileged STEM field scholar when she had to work just to be noticed in her scientific field (and imo she’s very justified). she feels like it was a Miracle when she got her masters research project funded by a grant she wrote herself because no one was able to help her... meanwhile for anna that sort of accomplishment was not only expected but she never had to worry about having to Apply to get her research funded; not only could she afford it herself but. she had academic connections in high places already who were giving her chances that daphne never received. they’re both from the same geological area; the northeast coast. they both came from an area of the USA where ivy league superiority and elitism is Highly Present.

additionally, neither of them is super willing to compromise! from daphne’s perspective, she worked hard to get where she’s at. she’s a commander and she’s smart and she earned her position... but she’s not the scientific officer. she’s the commander. she’s an executive power on the crew and not a specialist like anna... so while she does have the power to simply Veto any scientific decisions anna makes because she disagrees with them (and she has before Many times it is a frequent point of conflict on the hestia...) from anna’s perspective, SHE’S the scientific authority. anna hates being undermined and she feels that she has something to prove on this mission. but she (much, much later) comes to realize that it’s silly to work your ass off trying to prove yourself to people who don’t care about you as a person! and. that’s sort of a running thread; it applies in hadriel and rafi’s character arcs, too.

what anna waits (probably too long) to tell daphne is that the reason she came forward with the reveal and confessed? was because she (from her perspective) felt as though daphne was really turning a corner being a lot more accepting of her on the ship; she felt like daphne was respecting her and at that point she felt HORRIBLE for even thinking that she'd have to sacrifice any of them for the sake of a stupid corporation's experiments. so she confessed. and this how they finally end up being more Solidarity(tm) with each other and building a strong web of friendship from that point forward, but whoof... in the meantime? it is indeed very tense and hostile and no one trusts anna for a good long while. even rafi, despite continuing to talk to her. what's scary is that.. before, it was an easy choice for anna to make, from an emotional standpoint; daphne would've been her First Choice for who to feed to the sun to try baiting the aliens into duplicating her (and let me just say it was a really stupid move on behalf of all the researchers at goddard, telling anna this would be her job... but it is, of course, a goddard mission :) so of course, on principle, it's horrible in general and doesn’t respect the sanctity of life’s intrinsic value and is therefore narratively bound to fail) but thankfully anna's not the kind of person, deep down, who could ever bring herself to go through with it. but she came frighteningly close to it... she had to fight against her urge to please other people and do what was best for herself and everyone else... partially due to the guilt.

it’s about a dysfunctional found family. it’s about personhood. it’s about human relationships. it‘s about justified anger. and it’s about

i have some AU oc-insert stuff that “competes with” canon (sort of... idk how to phrase that or what that’d be considered, lol) but i’ll spare them for now because i’ve RAMBLED A LOT so i’ll give you a break-

i fully intend to write this all out eventually. some of the intricacies may change. but generally? yeah this is their story. i won’t give anything away about post-confession plot things but.... let’s just say... i’m here to write a well-framed retribution narrative that doesn’t treat a desire for justified revenge as a character flaw.

again hi this was so kind of you to ask, it was fun to ramble and i hope you’re having a good day :)

[readingbooksinisrael]

Poetry, Short stories and Articles Read This Month

Articles

How anti-Semitism led Shatner and Nimoy to Boldly Go to Hollywood/Nathan Abrams-Probably because I read a whole thesis which included this small topic in it before I read this but it felt very unsatisfactory. It did talk about what of his Jewishness Nimoy put into the character of Spock but mostly it seemed to mourn that Shatner didn’t seem to do that with Kirk. Probably a good read if you’re looking to read something quick on Jews putting their Jewishness into a character (not necessarily Nimoy’s into Spock).

Heinlein’s Juveniles vs. Andre Norton Young Adult Novels/James Davis Nicoll-This was a nice overview of where the two authors differed and how we see them in the modern day. I think I’ll check out an Andre Norton sci fi book despite not liking her prose in the one (non-sci fi) book of hers I read.

Did We ALL Write a Book About Space Elevators? Why Unfortunate Coincidences Happen In Science Fiction/James Davis Nicoll-Too short. It didn’t really explore it’s premise. 

Poems

The Immortal/Robert Sanders Shaw-no link available. It’s really bad. It sounds immature.

Short Stories

On Venus, Have We Got a Rabbi/William Tenn-I’m going to admit that despite hearing of this over and over it took a few tries for me to read it. It has a rambling style that was hard for me to get into, especially when I saw how long it was for a short story. What I recommend is listening to the audio as it really gets you in the atmosphere-since the story is written with a very characterized narrator. All that said, after the real story started I got pulled in and I really liked it. 3.5/5 stars

For He Can Creep/Siobhan Carroll-TW: self harm, suicide mention, 18th c. mental hospitals. This was a lot of fun. I really enjoyed the style it was written in-from the POV to the dialogue to the descriptions.

The Thames Valley Catastrophe/Grant Allen-I liked this one. I enjoyed the writing style. TW: body horror 4.2/5 stars

The Doom of London/Robert Barr-I thought I would like this one less than the other because I don’t like the style of breaking up a short story into sections, but after the first section I got pulled in enough to enjoy it. The concept was really cool and the invention concept was also really cool. TW: death, gore?, body horror 4/5 stars

The Tilting Island/Thomas J. Vivian and Grena J. Bennett-I can’t find a link for this one. The beginning started out good but then the authors weren’t able to uphold the suspense in a way that the end was satisfactory. 2.7/5 stars

Finis/Frank Lillie Pollock-I did not like this one. Partially it was because the blurb I read about it was wrong and so I expected the wrong things out of it, but it is also because that while the story centers on the characters the characters don’t have any personalities. 2/5 stars

An Express of the Future/Jules Verne-The blurb for this said that it went missing for many years. I am not surprised because it is not well written at all. It ends with it all being a dream which every kid knows is a bad plot device unless you have a very good excuse. 2/5 stars

The Ray of Displacement/Harriet Prescott Spofford-I would have enjoyed this even with the paragraphs of jumbled science language if it hadn’t been for St. Angel. He appears out of nowhere and it isn’t clear who he is or what he is doing or even how he gets to where the main character is. Unfortunately, the end is centered around him. Other than him I enjoyed the character of Judge Brant and there were some really funny sentences. 2/5 stars

Congealing the Ice Trust/Capt. H.G. Bishop-Again, I can’t find a link. That’s disappointing because this one was fun even if the plot was a bit hard to follow (with the addendum that I was in pain while reading it). 4/5

Lord Beden’s Motor/J.B. Harris-Burland-I’m starting to think that I shouldn’t try to review stories I read while I was woozy with pain (even though I’m reviewing them while in pain too). I think all I can say is that it’s a ghost story and ghost stories just aren’t to my personal taste so it didn’t interest me.

The Death-Trap/George Daulton-no link again. It has that thing of trusting someone immediately cause they seem gentle which I don’t like for many reasons. I wish it concentrated more on the search for the monster and finding it because the monster itself was pretty cool. TW: gore 2.5/5 stars

The Air Serpent/Will A. Page-no link. It’s really cool that this concept existed because with our modern day knowledge it’s impossible outside of high fantasy. Unfortunately for the story, our modern day knowledge of how prey animals work sort of ruined it for me. 3/5 stars

The Monster of Lake LaMetrie/Wardon Allan Curtis-Gotta love the sharp turn into eugenics. It’s a pity because before that the story was really cool. 1/5 stars

The Voice in the Night/William Hope Hodgeson-This was pretty cool. I’m not sure if you shouldn’t read it if you love or hate mushrooms though. Personally, I belong to the second camp, so maybe it’s don’t read it if you’re disgusted by fungi. 3/5 stars

The Land Ironclads/H.G. Wells-It’s definitely interesting to read from a modern perspective. I liked the character of the mc and that the story didn’t wash over the deaths but didn’t describe them in detail either.

The Dam/Hugh S. Johnson-The plot twist is very clever but the building up to it took too long, and the two captains and their rivalry was confusing to me. 2.5/5 stars

Submarined/Walter Wood-I liked it, and I feel like I shouldn’t because it ended pretty violently but I did. Daring and sacrifice and all that is very feel-good, and it was well-written. 5/5 stars

The Purple Terror/Fred M. White-Could we have this without the racism please? It was good except for the underlying racism all throughout. 2/5 stars

Professor Jonkin’s Cannibal Plant/Howard R. Garis-This was definitely a change from the other stories. They were all adult fiction and this is MG fiction. It was okay, nothing special. 3/5 stars

An Experiment in Gyro Hats/Ellis Parker Butler-This continues the sort of humor that’s in the last story but it’s back to adult fiction which, personally, I enjoy more when it comes to this kind of humor. I liked the narrator’s voice. 3.5/5 stars

The Hybrid Hyperborean Ant/Roy L. McCardell-The idea was nice but it could have been better executed. I felt like I was told the story rather than experiencing it. 2/5 stars

Where the Air Quivered/L.T. Meade and Robert Eustace-Pretty cool, but nothing special. 4/5 stars

In Re State vs Forbes/Warren Earle-This was less science fiction and more ghost story. Again, ghost stories don’t really interest me so I can’t review it properly but I found the ending to be far too unrealistic with no explanation for my taste.

Old Dr. Rutherford/D.F. Hannigan-Ugh. The writing itself was fine but I absolutely hated the main character; usually that doesn’t bother me but I hated him so much that it did here. I think it would have been much more interesting if it had been written from Hafiz’s POV instead of an omniscient one. 2/5 stars

Itself/Edgar Mayhew Bacon-This was a really good one. I loved the storytelling. I might try to find more stories by the same author to read. 4.5/5 stars

Citizen 504/Charles H. Palmer-This is interesting in that it’s an early dystopian story. Less interesting in that because it’s an earlier one it has the same plot points of every modern one and wraps up everything neatly with a bow. I wish he’d taken the time to explore the world more. 3/5 stars

The Mansion of Forgetfulness/Don Mark Lemon-Finally a story with a link. It’s a good story to choose to end an anthology on as it’s short and wraps up well but not too nicely (with a bow). Although it’s short and the ending is expected the execution is done well in my opinion. 3.5/5

[youswiminmywater]

new perspectives on loneliness

it’s important to try to stay away from your bed sometimes. i never used to be the type to spend the entire day locked away in my room, but the past few months have been exactly that. i even rearranged all of my furniture one day just to change things up, update and organize everything in a way that made more sense. pointed my bed towards the tv. put my clothes in the closet, in my bed drawers (which is astoundingly a habit i’m still keeping up!). organized, alphabetized, and filtered through all of the stuff on my bookshelf, made better use of the space in my room. there’s still some stuff to throw out. there’s still dust accumulating. but it’s a snail’s step, a healthy move inside of a swampy situation. i don’t want this room for much longer, or at least i don’t want to be trapped in it all the time, but i’m glad i fixed it.

the other day, i went down to the cafe to get a salad and try to read a little in public, which is generally my go-to outing for when i want to get out of my house. it’s important to get out of the house sometimes. i’ve been trying to slog through “the faerie queene,” which is an old renaissance epic poem about knights and chivalry and greek mythology splashed into a weird christianity-focused landscape. i’m reading it most because i can, because i know what words like “weet” used to mean, because i’m comfortable reading spenser’s intentionally bizarre spelling and letter-swaps. just for context, here’s an example:

Nathlesse the villen sped himselfe so well, Whether through swiftnesse of his speedy beast; Or knowledge of those woods, where he did dwell, That shortly he from daunger was releast, And out of sight escaped at the least; Yet not escaped from the dew reward Of his bad deeds, which dayly he increast, Ne ceased not, till him oppressed hard The heauy plague, that for such leachours is prepard.

and i’m also reading it because the stories are fun to retell in my own words, whenever i can find an ear to gab into! a lot of old literature is like that, surprising you with a fun story. so i took my massive old book with queen victoria on the cover, got my salad, and decided to sit nearby a couple that looked like they were on a date so that i could eavesdrop on them.

boy is it easy to judge strangers! from what i could tell, he was an older guy, maybe grad student age, clad in nouveau punk garb, the band shirt with sleeves rolled up to his armpits, the rolled up jean shorts, stompy boots, thick rimmed glasses, the side shave haircut that everyone seems to be sporting these days, tattoos up his arms and half way up his neck. he was talking very adamantly about his classes, particularly with a recognizable pretension about how much of an intensely emotional and intellectual endeavor it is to both READ and WRITE in the modern age. something or other about how his professors just Don’t Understand, how they’re Taking the Magic Out of It. he was very particular about the genres he liked to read, and very particular about explaining it to her with confidence, caution, and exactness. she, meanwhile, was at least a few years younger than him (in fact, i’m pretty sure she was an acquaintance of mine, knew her tangentially through people i knew in high school), and it seemed like she hadn’t been to at least a traditional college in several years. the last i remember, she worked at this kind of odd farm-fresh fast-food joint, where they make you wear blue bandannas instead of brand hats. she looked like she went to art school maybe, studied photography. she was very supportive of his opinions on reading books, or whatever, and tried her best to come up with things to share back on the subject, but it was clear she wasn’t really That Into reading. she ran with the crowd that was used to doing, parties and skateboarding and concerts, not sitting at home over a notebook.

it just seemed like the kind of pairing that didn’t have much in common, but they were still fresh and enthusiastic and willing to blow past differences and have some fun for a while. in any case, i was in true goblin form, hunched over my salad, building stories for each of them in my head, telling myself they were communicating poorly and failing to connect with each other, telling myself they’ll be over and done within a few months, maybe more if the circumstances call for it. a stupid grin slapped across my brain while i half-read about some sinful queen named “lucifera,” who embodied Vanity itself in every way, even carrying around a hand mirror just to admire herself.

this is the cafe i used to work at, and so i knew a lot of the patrons and just about all of the employees; i spotted one person, the “new girl,” also enjoying a salad off duty a few tables away from me. she had been hired shortly after i left, though the two of us had developed a little bit of camaraderie between my frequent visits. i called her bree-bree, she called me bri-bri, it was something cute and fun  between us. one of the few fond connections i have with the world outside my bedroom. 

i made my way to the door, pretended to notice her, and sat down in the seat across from her, imposing in probably a very trumpian way, though she didn’t seem to mind, wasn’t nose deep in a book like i pretended to be. we got to immediately gossiping about the couple i was just eavesdropping on, my favorite hobby, talking about dating and relationships from a safe and frankly lofty position, dragging someone into my holier-than-thou mindscape to bond with them. it’s the magic of people-watching, really, and sharing that experience with someone makes you feel so much less like a wretched lonely creep. she nodded sagely when i talked about talking but not communicating, first dates in the cafe.

she told me a story about how she was on a first date with a guy and kept asking him questions expecting him to toss the ball back into her court, but at the end of his several monologues, the only thing he was able to bring back to her was “so, any more questions for me?” i told her he was probably trying very hard to impress her, and maybe felt interrogated. like it was his time to make a splash and show her how good and smart of a boy he was! and probably terrified out of his mind. you can’t chalk everything up to male vanity. she shrugged a maybe-probably. i declined to tell her a story about some of my first dates, not wishing to mirror the guy she just described to me.

i learned that she was dating one of the other guys that worked at the cafe, who was working there that day, though the whole thing was a sort of semi-hush. she said they dated but she didn’t really talk about it. she just gazed at him over my shoulder, dreamy-eyed. how do you get a girl to look at you that way? i admired it, appreciated it. i turned around and announced to the guy “i didn’t know you two were dating!” made him blush, show him that i was Aware and not threatening anything by having an intimate salad talk with his girl right in front of him. she told me she was moving to Cleveland in two weeks, and was bad with long-distance. she didn’t seem that bothered by it, though i still sympathized, knowing by now how those relationships end, the early 20s flings that always get bashed backwards by college schedules and other necessity. 

her mentioning it gave me an opportunity to talk about vivien, for a moment. i told her i was a long-distance veteran. i forcibly showed off pictures of vivien, of the two of us together, because i was dying to show at least one person, even someone who could be barely considered a friend. i don’t know why i wanted to; maybe another opportunity to say “just so we’re clear, i’m not trying to come onto you, here’s a girl i already like!” or maybe it was a way to legitimize a connection in my life that seems to slip away more and more every day.

i offered to give her a ride, probably a minor misstep. she said she preferred walking, good exercise. i agreed, told her i wanted to ride my bike more often too. she insisted i make some desserts for her and the cafe before she had to leave, and i promised i would. left.

i had something of a panic attack that night. i don’t like calling it that, because the feeling wasn’t...well, maybe i’m just unfamiliar with panic. it was intangible. i was feeling manic, i could hear myself breathing, i wanted to get out of the house again (this was now around 11pm or so). i was feeling trapped, claustrophobic, lonely, forgotten. i went to a 24/7 gyro place to tap my foot, pick up dinner for me and my mom. wrote an obscure facebook status. sent a few oblique text messages. wanting attention but not wanting to attract it. wanting someone to care about me and show concern but feeling selfish and childish by offering out my hands.

i had a phone conversation with a friend of mine just before. my best friend, or at least someone i used to be really close with, now feeling more and more like a stranger, more like a burden, more like i destroyed something that was taking a painstakingly long time to fully implode. i was becoming less and less to her, and it showed in our conversation, and showed even more when she was telling me about other friends she was starting to hang out with more, or when she was having a conversation with her boyfriend that was so much more lively than the one she was having with me. it used to be the other way around. i sat on the phone and let my heart break, realized i was becoming alone again, and ended up at this gyro place an hour later.

it’s not that i’m particularly going to miss the life i’ve been living the past few years; i really hate feeling stuck, even if i had some great company while doing so, and shared a lot of myself with someone who has been very important to me. but trying to move on has blasted away a lot of stuff i took for granted, or didn’t realize i depended on so heavily. so i guess i had a panic attack, on both ends. i felt empty and heartbroken looking back on my past friendship; i felt worried and alone looking forward. i’m still not sure if i’m moving into anything real or not. 

maybe i’m once again too much in my own head, but sometimes i get the feeling vivien is already done with me. we don’t really have any plans when it comes to moving closer to each other; i’m not even sure what she wants for her own life sometimes. we’ve both been through our own gauntlets, and we know long-distance isn’t really something we have the energy for anymore. all i know is that we happen to have landed in the same spot, together, right now. but i don’t know if we’re both going to leave this place together, or if we’re going to be facing the same direction when we do. we’re certainly not going to stay here for much longer. i only hope she isn’t already through with me. sometimes i feel like a needy puppy, begging for her attention, putting effort into something that i maybe shouldn’t be. i truly do adore her, and we resemble each other so much; we sometimes joke about being each other’s “twin flame,” soulmates. it still feels that way. but soulmates aren’t always lovers.

i’m just preparing myself for the worst. i don’t want it to be over yet.

today i listened to an “etiquette podcast” on the way home. it’s really hardly about etiquette most of the time; it’s just this married couple that started a podcast together, likely because the wife felt left out of her husband’s podcasting career and wanted an excuse to hang out with him. they pick random topics, the wife goes into a brief “history” of the thing, and then they talk about “the best way to blank,” “when is the right time to blank.” how do i ask for a raise without coming off as bossy? what’s the best way to end a phone call? what’s the proper thing to say when i fart on the train? 

this week’s episode was about naps. the wife went into a personal yarn about how she had postpartum depression and took frequent naps that just felt Very Bad. like gigantic naps that felt too good, wasted the whole day. the husband likened it to eating ice cream when you’re starving. just the wrong medicine for the occasion. 

when i got home, i took a 6-hour nap. i was still riding the wave of sadness from the day before, though without the manic energy. just the overwhelming feeling of aloneness, having no one to share anything with anymore. being alone really makes a lot of things feel pointless, when you’re in the headspace of, i want to do things so i have something to share with people. suddenly reading feels stupid. endeavors to work out feel pointless. long naps are a brief fast-forward through something that feels like it ought to blow away at some point. and it really doesn’t, at least, not in the way you expect it to.

i woke up and checked my e-mails, my school e-mail in particular, to remind myself that i was still a student and had responsibilities beyond trying to find love and companionship to enrich my future (snort!). cracked open my textbook, a chapter about plate presentation, and got quite lost flipping between dessert possibilities. really inspiring stuff, even though the book is a little outdated:

i’m sure this is somewhat a product of my mood...but looking at these foods made me really want to dive into my work as a pastry chef. become good at something, make all these sauces and coulis and collect a bunch of chocolate shavings and such and try out some plate designs for myself, likely in very bizarre, personal ways. “here you go mom, i made dessert, and i bought a special plate to put it on!” i mean, how else is a boy to practice? it’s a relief seeing stuff like this, because the class i’m taking right now makes me believe cake decorating is the alpha and the omega of pastry learning. and i just hate cake decorating! my boss told me that some people are decorators and some people are producers, and that i’m a producer. i feel good about that role. it’s encouraging.

i’ve written pretty freely and frequently about this belief i have, that people have a built in “fail-safe” system that keeps them from tolerating a bad feeling for too long. some motivation inside of them that keeps them from stewing in depression until they disintegrate. in the past, i’ve taken opportunities like this one i’m in to go on impulsive bike rides, usually in the dead of the night. i felt the same impulse washing over me today; however, i knew that my bike tires were flat and needed a pump. this is essentially the extent of my bike-repair expertise, so if they didn’t stay inflated, i was probably done for without a real concentrated effort to fix the damn thing.

i went outside to our backyard shed to try and find the bicycle pump. no luck. and our backyard was starting to look and feel overgrown, plants poking through fences and coming up to the windows. my mom says she likes the overgrown because it grants privacy, but i hated it in that moment. i wanted to clear everything away. in lieu of finding my bike pump, i grabbed some forgotten rusty shears instead, and just started going to town on these masses of towering plants. snipping bit by bit, shoving them into mossy old yard bags, grabbing thorns and twigs barehanded in my sleepwear and clogs. just fed up, burying my feelings in the impulse.

i started to imagine, maybe this is what i need to do from now on. just focus on cleaning the house, yard work. eventually move on to working out, getting stronger arms, losing weight, eating healthier. if i’m going to be a shut-in for the rest of my life, maybe this is the secret to accepting it. just obsessing over some kind of work and never thinking about loneliness ever again, except maybe by accident late at night, in moments of stillness. it made me feel kind of like boo radley. it was a familiar place, like one that i had recognized in writers and poets, or any other person that was considered isolated, in solitude. like a retired old dad, feverishly picking up hobbies to keep himself busy. emily dickinson with her botany and gardening (did you know she had a 66-page leather-bound book of pressed plants? it’s called an herbarium). or like a robert frost type, hauling wood to a cabin, reveling in the simplicity of it. after all, it’s easier to tear weeds out of the ground than it is to make friends. maybe it’s the kind of life i need to embrace, constantly becoming better and healthier, more useful, stronger, but for nobody. building a nice home and a nice life and only sharing it with someone if i get really lucky. 

i didn’t really hang out with my dad much after my parents were divorced, and now that i’m older, and i’m realizing how badly i wanted someone to teach me how to be a guy. all the things i remember doing with him when i was younger, fishing, flying kites, swimming, are distant memories. i’m rusty. i’m gonna take my kids to do these things with nostalgia and fumble at it, because it fell out of my life a long time ago. i feel like being outside again, getting bug bites, tearing up the yard and putting it back together again...it’s a way of being a dad to myself. or i feel like my dad was supposed to teach me this stuff, like it’s a old secret, “now son, when you grow up and your life isn’t what you wanted it to be, just build a birdhouse. it’s the best remedy for depression!” 

or maybe it was just a manic episode, me out there chopping away at the bushes. a cathartic release that’ll sink back into its deep slumber again come tomorrow. it was a shift in perspective, another way of making loneliness OK, a different kind of ocean to drown in. i wouldn’t mind if it stuck around. 

i know i really don’t deserve much, i’m not exactly a very good person. but if i can find a way to turn all these feelings back in on themselves, and just focus on something...manual and productive, i think it’s a life i’d take. just needs some motivation.