#there’s my bad je ne sais quoi that kinda means ppl ignore or lowkey antagonize me and its pretty crap tbh

[unproduciblesmackdown]

ive got this wild Affection n Loyalty Capacity and i love! to give ppl stuff & help em out! and ideally feel totally comfortable around em and be able to just go ham 4 friendship & none of this stuff seems v possible rn & i don’t expect it to ever come to me but: if it did? i would love it so much & be super glad

same w stuff in general lol like being able to pour my passion into something &/or being in some kinda framework where my being an enthusiastic goofaround weirdie is good and fine! & having a sense of security & basic comfort! & not continuously feeling like it’s a 50/50 shot if i’ll still be alive six months in the future!! and generally if the future will ever not feel like an antagonistic impending disaster to be dreaded! all of these things: i do not expect but it’d be mega beautiful if they did happen to me, i’d thrive

that’s kinda the Upbeat take i have on it, cuz also the fact i can’t bring myself to believe any of it will definitely ever happen is depressing, and the fact a lot of it shouldve already been able to happen but hasnt is depressing too, and also i’m depressed & get depressed & thinking about this stuff just makes me real sad sometimes coz even if i put a positiveish spin on it at times its still just bad. yucko. you dont have to stop thinking anything is sad to be happy or content or whatevs, cuz some stuff is sad always. and frankly to get thru existin i gotta distract myself coz I’m Not Good but i gotta keep on going anyways! c’est la guerre! i’m p much just resigned to trucking along as long as i can and helping ppl out along the way however i can and knowing that just from a technical perspective the sheer chances of things could work out in my favor and it’s possible i could feel happy in my future w/o the sense it’s going to soon come to an end, & it’s also possible i may not

the point is i think things like “wow what if i could be around multiple ppl i considered real friends & they genuinely liked me & i could be enthusiastic about liking & supporting them” & the thought is both nice and also depressing coz it’d be a lot nicer if it wasn’t in theory and i didnt know it might always be in theory. but that’s life eh