#there was one that was a spin-off of sadness accident where it was about the serirei child but she was real and her whole life | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

naughtyneganjdm · 2 months ago

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Love's Second Chance: A Holiday Reunion - Chapter 17

Summary: Negan gets a visit from Y/N after the fight he had with Joel and she has him make a very emotional promise to her. Joel opens up to his brother about something he kept locked away for many years.

Characters: Joel Miller, the reader (OC), Negan Smith, Tommy Miller, Lucille Smith, etc.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/60501985/chapters/157173025 Warnings: Swearing, Severe Angst, Smut, talks about someone wanting to hurt themselves, a character has memories about what it felt to experience both abuse and homophobia from their parent, mental trauma from a character, etc.

Notes: This chapter I just edited and finished at 430 in the morning. I'm trying to keep up with schedules, but I know I'm falling behind and I'm doing my best! This chapter has someone talking about their past and the homophobia they had to face when they were younger. Especially in terms of their family. It is emotional and it could trigger some if they have ever been in this situation. I just want to put it out there.

Overwhelmed would be an understatement for Negan right now. After everything that happened today, it was really hard to focus on one thing. Dropping his head back against the couch, Negan reached up to cover his eyes releasing a stressed exhale. He was trying to focus on anything other than the throbbing that he was feeling in his knee right now. After all the injuries that Negan had experienced from playing baseball, he knew what it felt like when he was severely injured. This was not that kind of pain, but it certainly did fucking hurt. And it hurt bad. But it was the kind of ache that he would get when he overworked his knee. Not so much the pain of a horrible injury.

To help with the pain, there was a bag of ice wrapped around his knee while he was laid stretched out on the couch. Even with his eyes closed it felt like the room was spinning around him. It was probably from a mixture of the pain along with the adrenaline that was fueling through him. There was a dull ache in his fists along with his face since he had gotten into a fight with Joel even though he tried so very hard to not let it happen.

Disappointment was flooding through his veins as well. For so long he did pretty well with handling Joel, but tonight Joel went too far and made him snap. And that was bad because Y/N was right. Joel was drunk and he had no filtering system. Fighting with Joel while he was drunk made no sense, but once Joel started spouting off about Lucille, he couldn’t contain himself.

A faint knocking drew him to drag his palms down over his face. Turning his head toward the door, Negan sighed loudly when there was a second knock alerting him that he wasn’t making up the sound in his head. Lifting his head up from the couch, Negan wondered if his knee could make the trip to the door or if it was even worth it. Forcing himself up, he pushed up onto his hands and it probably took him way too long to get up from the couch. Setting down the bag of ice, he limped over toward the door and reached for the handle. Bracing most of his weight on his good leg, Negan felt his heart sink when he opened the door to see Y/N standing before him.

“What were you thinking running off on me?” she blurt out with Negan shamefully lowering his head to avoid looking at her. Clinging to the doorknob, Negan swallowed down hard and felt a chill running through his veins. “You were hurt. I don’t even know how you got home without getting in an accident and hurting yourself further.”

“I was ashamed and figured you wouldn’t want to be around me,” Negan confessed, his Adam’s apple bouncing in his throat. There was a lot that was said today and thrown out on the table for her to deal with, so he didn’t even know where to start with things. “There was a lot thrown at you and…”

“Do you not want me here?” she interrupted Negan having his sad hazel eyes connecting with hers. Slouching, Negan bit down on his bottom lip and could see that she was worried about him. “I can leave if you don’t want me.”

“You know that I want you here,” Negan claimed, his long eyelashes fluttering. Nodding toward the inside of his rental home she waited for Negan to step aside and allow her into the house. Closing the door behind her, Negan rubbed at the back of his neck with the incredible amount of tension that was building up inside of him.

“Why would you think I wouldn’t want to be around you?” she wondered, noticing the bag of ice that was sitting on the couch. Turning on her heel, she looked to Negan expectantly wanting some kind of answer from him but he was at a loss of words.

“There are plenty of reasons,” he stated, taking a few steps closer to her limping as he did it. “I should have never attacked Joel. I tried so hard to keep it together, but I didn’t. He was drunk and he didn’t have a filtering system. It was wrong for me to attack him. And Joel isn’t wrong Y/N. I’m a horrible person. I did terrible things…”

“I’m surprised you held it together as long as you did,” she suggested, stepping forward to reach for Negan’s hands. Holding them, she felt them trembling with her caressing over the backs of them with her thumbs. Right now the number one thing he was feeling was shocked. Especially since her caress was so kind and gentle. More than anything he thought she would be mad at him. “And I don’t care.”

“You don’t care?” he stammered, confusion flooding his features. He wasn’t too entirely sure what she was pertaining to when she said that.

“I don’t care what you used to be,” she whispered, closing the distance between the two of them. Palming in over the side of Negan’s face had him letting out a tremoring breath, his eyes coming to a slow close. Leaning into the warmth of her touch, Negan’s bottom lip was slightly trembling while she comforted him. “I don’t care what you used to be like. All I care about is who you are now. How you treat me, how you treat my children.”

“I’m not good enough for you. I know he’s right about that,” Negan confessed, his eyes still closed with him cuddling his face in against the warmth of her palm. “I realized too late the mistakes I was making in life. I should have been a good husband the whole time, but I let things get to me. I wasn’t a good man for a very long time.”

“I don’t doubt that you loved your wife. I see it in the way you talk about her,” she hushed him, lifting her other hand to cup his face in her hands tenderly. By the time he opened his eyes, she could see that tears were burning at them. “One thing you’ve never been able to do is lie to me Negan Smith. I can see right through you and when you talk about her, I see pure love. I can see the pain in your eyes when you talk about her. I know how you took off time from work to take care of her. You still wear your wedding rings on your body Negan. You fucked up, you did. But I don’t think for a second that you didn’t love her.”

A sob fell from Negan’s lips and she urged him to lower down so she could press a lingering kiss over his forehead, “I don’t doubt that by the end of her life, Lucille knew how sorry you were. She knew how much you loved her and how much she loved you.”

Leading him over toward the couch, she got him to sit down and then lowered in beside him. Sweeping her fingers over his jawline, she allowed him to rest his head against her shoulder. Brushing her fingers through Negan’s thick hair, she hushed him when he started to cry.

“It’s okay,” she comforted him, wrapping him up in her arms allowing him a moment to go through that pain that had been pent up inside of him for so long. “I know that you miss Lucille and I can’t imagine what it’s like losing someone you love that much the way that you did. But please. Promise me that no matter what happens in the future…don’t hurt yourself. Keep fighting for me…for Lucille…”

Lifting his head from her shoulder, Negan’s reddened over eyes looked miserable. Placing another kiss over his forehead, she let it linger before frowning, “I need you here. I want you in my life. So no matter what, if things ever get hard or you need to find strength, please call me. Talk to me. Open up to me. Because a universe without Negan Smith is not somewhere I want to be.”

“Yes ma’am,” Negan muttered with a firm nod, his chest aching with an incredible amount of guilt that he was feeling. Only a handful of people had known about him trying to kill himself in the past, but never having the strength to do it. Now Y/N and Joel were added to that list.

“Promise me,” she pled with him, her own eyes tearing over with the thought of what Negan admitted to both her and Joel. Hell, she knew Negan was depressed and upset about losing Lucille, but she never pictured that Negan was the kind of person that would try to kill himself. Especially since Negan seemed like the type to be high on life, never wanting to lose a moment. “Promise me that you will never try to kill yourself again. Because that would break me. It would break my heart forever and I would never forgive you for it. Because I love you. Do you understand me?”

Nodding his head, Negan had a hard time forming words, but she forced him to look at her and he released a broken breath.

“I promise,” Negan exhaled, his body trembling with her sweeping his tears away. With how emotional she was getting over all of this, it broke his heart to see. But with how emotional she was about it, he knew that she genuinely cared for him. “I know I shouldn’t be crying. I shouldn’t be having a breakdown…”

“I’d be worried about you if you weren’t,” she declared, sliding in closer to him to caress over the length of his back toward his shoulders. “You’re broken. You loved someone so deeply and you lost them. You have to talk about it. You have to feel…”

“Joel talks about how he missed out on so much, but he’s wrong. Stardom only made me worse,” Negan insisted, his fingers reaching up to curl around her wrist to caress over her pulse point with his thumb. “I would have given anything to have the life that he had with you and the children. We tried so hard to have children and we were always fighting about it. What he mentioned with me not being able to have children, it might be true. I might be broken completely…I was never brave enough to find out. She wanted me to, but…”

“If you can’t, there is nothing wrong with that Negan,” she insisted with her eyebrows furrowing and her head shaking slowly. Even the idea that Negan could possibly not be capable of having children was tearing him apart. But it wasn’t something that she thought he should be focusing on since there was already so much on his mind about things. “That doesn’t make you broken. And for all you know there is nothing wrong with you. Lucille was sick. And you don’t know for how long. It could have been a combination of things.”

“You shouldn’t be being nice or empathetic to my situation,” Negan suggested with a firm shake of his head, his jaw flexing with discomfort. After what Joel broke to her, he figured that she would never want to speak or talk to him again. “I don’t deserve it.”

“Don’t you think you’ve punished yourself enough?” she inquired with Negan’s expression growing sadder. When something like suicide was a topic of discussion, it wasn’t something you should blow off and with how emotional Negan was, she was happy that she came to him tonight. “Lucille asked you to live life for her and you promised that you would. Do you think she wanted you to continue to hurt yourself over the things you did wrong?”

“No,” Negan answered honestly, his bottom lip trembling further while she stroked over his face. There were a lot of discussions that the two of them had about the subject. Lucille was always angry with him for being so emotional. Begging him to promise to continue on with his life. To make something with the time he had left. Because she couldn’t. So if someone could, she wanted Negan to. Especially since she loved him.

“Then don’t do it,” she was doing her best to pull him from what it was that actually broke Negan tonight. “Focus on the good times you had. The moments you got to share together before she passed away. Because those are the moments that mattered. I know it hurts. More than anything you want to hug her, touch her and tell her that you love her, but she hears you Negan. Talk to her. Because she is and will always be with you.”

Placing her hand in over the center of his chest had his cries growing harder. Shakily his hand covered hers and squeezed it tightly in his grasp, “It’s so hard because we can’t hold them anymore, but they never really leave us. They are always there. She’s part of you and she always will be.”

Slouching forward, Negan’s forehead rest against hers with her stroking over the back of his neck, over his scalp and through his hair in a soothing manner, “You see so much darkness in yourself Negan and I see so much potential. So much love.”

“You always saw the best in me when no one else did,” Negan reminded her, palming his hands up and over her arms. “I think the other people were right about me. You just saw hints of something that weren’t really there.”

“No, I don’t believe that,” she whispered, refusing to allow him to sink into the thought that he was a terrible person. “Yeah, you’re a smart ass and you probably deserve to get punched sometimes, but everyone does. I’ve seen the things you do for the people you care about. You have a big heart when you allow yourself to show it. I’ve seen it many times since you came back to town. It’s there. And it shines bright.”

“I don’t know what I would have done if we didn’t run into each other again,” Negan admitted, swallowing down, turning in to press a loving kiss against the center of her palm. “I love you, so fucking much.”

“And I love you,” she whispered, enjoying the warmth of him before her. It ate away at her hearing Negan break down like he had when they were all together. Those words continued to play in her head like a broken record. The idea of Negan killing himself was a horrible nightmare for her. One she never wanted to face. “I always have and I always will.”

“I’m so sorry I let what Joel did break us apart,” Negan stammered, his breathing uneven with her tenderly caressing at the side of his neck and over his face. “I knew you had a crush on him. I should have understood. I was just so young and selfish. “

“I think you’re defining me right now,” she rolled her eyes at the idea that he was the bad one in the situation. There were a lot of things that she could say about Negan, but in the past he was the biggest victim in this whole situation. “The only person that wasn’t in the wrong in that situation was you. I wish you would have told me what was going on with Joel, but…”

“But you loved him so much,” Negan spoke up before she could finish her sentence getting her to look at him fully. “If you thought there was any question about the purity of your relationship, I knew it would break your heart. That’s why I never told you. You would question everything. And you shouldn’t have. Because he looked at you with so much love whenever I saw the two of you after that night. It’s why I never did anything. It may have broken me, but it made two people that I cared about happy. Two people that deserved happiness very much. I don’t question that Joel loved you.”

“I don’t know what to believe anymore,” she admitted in terms of Joel and the things that he told her. “I feel like there is so much that I don’t know about Joel. Things that he was never honest with me about. Unlike you, I can’t tell when he’s being honest or lying to me.”

“I think Joel deserves the same opportunity that I do,” Negan explained with a loud swallow. Something in her eyes showed that she didn’t understand. “You forgave me for my past. You mention the man that I am now…Joel is right I was a worse husband than he ever was. I’m just innocent when it comes to you because I wasn’t the one that hurt you. If you can get over that part of me, you should realize that he can be different too.”

“The man devastates you and gets you angry enough to start a physical fight with him, yet you’re still defending him,” she noted, surprised that Negan would go to bat for Joel even after everything that happened. Then again, that was something that Negan seemed to be doing longer than she ever even realized.

“Because he’s broken,” Negan replied with a frown. Hearing that took her breath away. “He’s at the stage I was when I first lost Lucille. He’s hitting all the stages at once. Regret. Pain. Anger. Disbelief. Fury. Rage. They are eating away at him and he’s just lost it because he loves you, but he doesn’t know how to show it. I’m not lying to you when I tell you that I think Joel regrets everything that he did. I think if he could go back in time and stop it from happening, he would. I don’t want to lead you on and make you believe that he’s this terrible piece of shit. Because he’s not. He did shitty things, but I do fucking believe that he loves you. And that he’s a good man. Just a man that had a lot of bad shit happen in his life, so he’s bad with his feelings and his emotions.”

With a deep inhale, Negan looked down and shook his head, “I know you love him too. I can see it in the way that the two of you look at one another. And if you want to be with Joel, I don’t want to hold you back. I feel like you are experiencing guilt because you don’t want to let me down, but I love you. So fucking much that if Joel makes you happy, if Joel is where you feel whole—I love you enough to let you go.”

“I don’t want you to let me go,” she was quick to respond, hushing him when she brought him in closer to her. “I can’t lose you from my life again Negan. You have brought back a joy that I never thought would be there again. You awakened that thing inside of me that I thought was long gone. Whether we’re together or not, I need you.”

“And I need you,” Negan agreed with her nuzzling his nose in against hers in a tender moment. Cherishing the warmth of her near, Negan still felt an ache at the center of his chest. “But I don’t want Joel suffering either.”

“Nor do I,” she acknowledged knowing that there was so much love in her heart for her ex-husband still. That wasn’t something that she could hide. Joel still held part of her heart in his hand and that would never leave her. “But if making Joel feel better is kicking you out of my life, I can’t do that. I’m probably not a good person and I acknowledge that because I love the both of you. Very much.”

Meeting her stare, Negan exhaled loudly with her getting up from the couch. Turning when she applied pressure at his shoulders, Negan sat the right way on the couch. Sighing, he bit down on his bottom lip when she caressed in over the center of his chest to get him to relax. Lowering down to her knees before him, she started to caress over Negan’s hurt leg eliciting a pained sound to fall from him. Grabbing the bag of ice, she placed it over his knee with one hand while the other continued to caress over his thigh.

“I love Joel. Nothing will change that. I’m smart enough to admit that,” she confessed, her breathing growing louder with the way that Negan was looking at her behind heavy eyelids. “But I know how I feel about you. I love you so much. No one makes me feel the way that you do. Poor, happy, sad, rich…I don’t care. You mean so much to me and I can’t throw you out of my life.”

“Y/N,” he exhaled loudly with her getting up further on her knees. Setting the ice aside, she started to undo his belt. Unhooking it and pulling it apart had Negan’s breathing growing more uneven. With her fingers undoing his pants and opening them, Negan lowered his hands and grabbed her wrists to stop her. “Don’t.”

“It’s okay,” she hushed him, urging his hands onto the couch beside him. Tugging at the material of his pants, she pulled the dark slacks from his body. Setting them aside, she took her time to caress over his thighs. It had him inhaling sharply when she lowered down over his knees to sweep over them and down to his calves. Slightly turning toward his hurt leg, she started massaging at his flesh. When her fingers swept over the scars that were over his knee area, she lowered forward to press loving kisses over his flesh. “You are so beautiful. Inside and out.”

Caressing his fingers over the back of her neck, Negan grasped at her hair and let out a pleased sound with her touching him. For a while she gave his leg a massage, working to get him to relax with it aching. Truthfully? She was one of the only people that he would trust near his leg like that.

Placing a final kiss over his knee had chills running down his spine. Getting up carefully from the ground, she took her jacket off as she kicked out of her boots. There was something that he should have said, but he couldn’t form words when she took her time to pull her sweater from her body. Once she had the material at her side, she dropped it next to where she had set his pants down.

Adjusting his positioning on the couch, Negan’s lips parted and he was ready to tell her that she didn’t need to do this. But as she started to shimmy out of her pants, it had a lump growing at the center of his throat. Almost immediately, he became breathless. His heart hammered in his chest with her reaching around herself to unhook her bra allowing the material to fall. The first sight of her bare breasts had him nervously licking his lips. Even though they had been together many times at this point, she still took his breath away. When she pushed her fingers into her panties to get them down her legs, he could feel his heart skip a beat.

Carefully lowering down to her knees over him had his hands settling in over her hips with his rough fingertips caressing over her flesh. Staring up at her in awe, Negan wondered if he truly deserved her at all.

“I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you,” she apologized bringing their lips together in a passionate, unhurried sweep. Caressing at the back of her thighs, Negan kissed her back. Chills were running up and down his spine.

“No, don’t,” Negan silenced her, his eyelids heavy with desire for the woman before him. “If anything, I should be the one that is sorry. Joel was right. I should have never abandoned you and your family. I should have been here all along helping you. I loved you so much and I let something like that ruin our relationship that we had our whole life.”

“This is one time you can’t take credit,” she whispered, sliding further in over his lap having Negan tip his head back to keep his eyes hooked with hers. “I let my crush on Joel persuade me to be a certain way and I wasn’t thinking.”

“You really do deserve better than me,” Negan admitted with a frown, his rough palms caressing up over her back toward her shoulders. “I’m a broken mess and I don’t deserve the love and support that you give me.”

“I think we’re all a little broken,” she thought aloud, her fingers caressing at Negan’s scalp with her left arm hooking loosely around Negan’s shoulders. “But there is no one that makes me feel better than you do. I think you realize the person you were and you’re trying your best to make things better. For everyone.”

“I think I’m fucking up Joel,” Negan countered with a firm shake of his head, letting out a sigh. Watching her hands palm down in over the center of his chest toward his abdomen, Negan bit down on his bottom lip when she reached the bottom of the black henley that he was wearing. Raising his arms, Negan allowed her to tug the material up his body and drop it on the floor with the rest of their clothing.

“You’ve been trying to help Joel,” she corrected him with a shake of her head, her fingers teasing through the dark curls of hair over Negan’s torso. “I see it. What you did at that bar, the way you handle him. I think you’ve done a really good job.”

“We fought tonight,” he reminded her, exhaling loudly with the way her lips hovered over his. “I could have done better.”

“Joel isn’t used to my heart not belonging one hundred percent to him,” she recognized, sliding her hands up over the sides of Negan’s neck toward his face to cup it lovingly in her palms. “You were the one that kept trying to keep the truth from me. You don’t have any ulterior motives. You care about me. You care about him. You treat our children good. I like the man that you became. I like the man that you are with me.”

“I want to be the best version of myself for you,” Negan announced, his voice growing raspier when he felt her reach for the material of his black boxer briefs. Lifting his hips up, he helped her work the material down his body. Wiggling his legs, he grunted with her pushing firmly at the material working to get it to his knees. Lowering back onto the couch, Negan kicked at the material getting it to his ankles. Allowing her back in over him, he cherished the warmth of her body wrapping him up in her arms. Nuzzling his nose at the side of her neck, Negan’s hand caressed over the lengths of her back with her peppering kisses at his freckle covered shoulders.

“You are,” she assured him, pressing a faint kiss over his ear having him suck in a sharp breath. “I have no doubts when I’m with you. I know how I feel when we’re together.”

Grabbing a hold of his right arm, she led his hand toward the center of her chest allowing him to place it over her heart. Stroking her fingers at the back of his hand, she could tell just by the way that he looked at her that everything he felt was pure.

“You make me happy. I haven’t been happy in a very long time,” she told him the truth, loving the way that his eyes stared out at her. Lifting his hand up, she pressed a loving kiss over the center of it. “When I’m with you, I feel a warmth…love…”

“But I’m putting you in a hard place because I know you love Joel,” Negan commented, his other hand reaching up to trace over her features. “If I wasn’t here to mess things up, you could have everything you wanted with Joel.”

“I’m not sure Joel would be acting the way that he is if you weren’t here,” she sighed loudly, stroking her fingers through Negan’s short beard that covered his face. “You weren’t here for four years with us being divorced. So in a way, I guess you bring out both the best and the worst of Joel. I could whine that I’m in a horrible position, but I have two men that I love very much in my life right now. People can only hope to have one.”

“But what if you decide that you want to be with the other man?” Negan inquired, sucking in a sharp breath when she dropped one of her hands to curl her fingers loosely around his manhood. Tracing over his shaft had Negan’s neck flexing with his lips parting. Fluttering his eyelashes, Negan kept his eyes hooked with hers while she caressed over his length.

“Who am I with right now?” she questioned, her lips hovering in over his. Breathing both loud and uneven, Negan pressed in closer to kiss her but she kept him from kissing her. Smirking, her eyebrow arched and she was waiting for an answer. “Where am I?”

“With me,” Negan responded, dragging his bottom lip in over hers humming out with the sensations she was drawing out from inside of him.

“I could have been with either one of you right now, and you’re the one I chose to come to,” she pointed out, lifting her hips enough to lead his body toward hers. There was something in the way that his eyes hooked with hers that took her breath away. Accepting him into her body, she carefully lowered herself over him moaning with him in unison. Getting comfortable, she wrapped her arms around his shoulders pressing their bodies closer together.

“What if Joel forces you to choose?” Negan stammered, his lips hovering just over hers. Tensing up beneath her, Negan found his body easily reacting to the warmth of her surrounding him without them moving.

“Let’s not worry about that right now,” she whispered, caressing her fingers through his hair at the back of his neck. Having him fully inside of her stagnant ached, but she liked the way that it felt. “I just want to spend my time with you. Be with you. We missed out on so much time together. I don’t want to miss a moment of it.”

“I question if Joel was right,” Negan winced when she lazily rolled her hips upward, taking her time in bringing them back down over him. Every movement was slow, drawn out, and was focusing on their connection. “Maybe the only way for us to truly be happy was to separate us during those years. We would have been hurting both Joel and Lucille. There is something between the two of us that is so strong. I don’t doubt that the two of us would have done something that we regretted if we were still around one another.”

Resting her forehead against his, she cried out at the way that Negan touched her while she moved over him. So much focus and care went into the way that he was with her, “Maybe that makes us bad people.”

“Joel can say whatever he wants to defend his thought process, but that’s not how things worked themselves out,” she silenced Negan, finally bringing their lips together to give him a passionate kiss that had him cupping her face in his hands. Moving ever so slightly back had their lips still brushing against each other’s while she spoke. “So we can talk about the maybes all day long, but that’s not how things were. So we’re not bad people for loving one another.”

“Now that I have you in my life, I can’t lose you,” Negan asserted, his palm sliding up over the center of her chest toward her neck. Curling his fingers around the side of her neck, his thumb traced over her jawline until hovering over her bottom lip. It had her kissing at his flesh and he smiled. “You mean more to me than you will ever know.”

“I feel the same way about you,” she promised, cuddling her head into his touch starting to rock her hips a little harder over his. Their breathing matched each other’s, growing louder with her movements. “I never want you to doubt the man that you are. I think Lucille would be proud of the man that you are now.”

“She’d kill me if she saw what I was doing right now,” he snickered, lifting enough to pepper kisses over her jawline. “I feel like she’d rather me be pining over her still, not falling head over heels in love with someone else.”

“I think you’re doing both,” she whimpered, her hips rolling firmer over his length having Negan moan out. Keeping them close had the warmth of his breath twisting with hers. This moment wasn’t about sex. It was about connecting. Showing how much they cared for each other.

Firmly wrapping his arm around her waist, Negan rolled her onto her back on the couch. Yelping out, her back arched and it was followed by a laugh with the confused expression that Negan was giving her, “The ice! The ice! It’s cold.”

“Oh,” Negan snorted, reaching behind her to dig out the bag of ice that was there. They both were laughing with Negan dropping his head against her chest. Setting the ice on the ground, he felt her kissing at the top of his head and he sighed loudly.

“A bag of ice up my ass sure did add a new sensation,” she teased him, tugging at his hair enough to bring his lips back to hers so they could kiss. Adjusting his body enough, he made sure to take the pressure off his hurt knee before he started to roll his hips up against hers. Locking his eyes with hers, Negan didn’t want to let go of this moment.

“Promise me that we will have each other for the rest of our lives,” Negan begged of her, his fingertips tracing over her jawline. Their bodies moved together in unison with her bouncing up with every thrust. “In whatever way possible.”

“You don’t have to beg me to promise,” she assured him, peppering kisses over his lips with him pausing his movements over her to give her his full attention. “We both know what it’s like not having each other in our lives. It hurts too much. We’ll always have each other from here on out.”

That was all he needed to hear. Now that he knew what it was like to be happy again and to feel loved after being lonely for two years, Negan knew that he couldn’t lose this.

Their love making session was slow, drawn out and by the time they were done, they were laid stretched out together on the couch. Her thigh was wrapped around his waist, her head resting on his chest with her drawing shapes over his abdomen.

“You don’t think I’m trying to steal Joel’s life, do you?” Negan still found himself considering the things that Joel had lashed out at him for today.

“Negan,” she frowned, her fingertips tracing over the tattoo that was over his pectoral muscle. “Don’t let that eat away at you. Joel is just jealous because people really like you. And it’s hard for him to get people to like him. The children still very much love their dad. They have just happily accepted you into their lives too.”

“I just don’t want…” Negan started only to yelp when he felt the sensation of something cold over his nipple. Arching his back up, he lifted his head to see that she had grabbed one of the ice cubes that was mostly melted from the bag that he set aside earlier. “Jesus!”

“It was the quickest way to get your mind focused on something else,” she was highly amused with herself, replacing the cold sensation with warmth by kissing over his nipple. Circling her tongue over his nipple, she snickered against his flesh with him moaning out. Running a line over the center of Negan’s abdomen down toward his belly button had him sucking in a sharp breath. Looking up at him, she shook her head and bit down on her bottom lip. “Joel was drunk. The worst thoughts that Joel has come out of his mouth when he’s drunk. I think you’re right about what you said with Joel. He’s having a hard time coming to terms with what happened between you and him. His brain is hooked on me, but his body wants both you and me.”

“I think he’s worried about what people will think about him if they find out we…” Negan considered the words that he should be using to describe what he did with Joel. “Fucked?��

“Joel hasn’t been comfortable with himself since he was eighteen years old,” she alerted Negan with a long sigh, dropping the ice cube back on top of the bag she pulled it out of. “Give it time. Everything will work itself out. I promise you that.”

“I should be the one promising you that,” Negan noted, his fingertips tracing over her back doing his best to comfort her. “You’re the one being placed in the middle of me and Joel…”

“Poor me. Stuck between two incredibly good-looking men who both love me,” she caused Negan to snort and laugh with her bluntness. “I’m more worried about you and Joel. Allow me that. Because I’m fine. I’ll be fine and I don’t doubt that. Right now, I’m in the arms of the man that I want to be with and I’m perfectly happy with that.”

----

“You can stop babysitting me,” Joel glanced over at Tommy who was falling asleep at the other end of the couch. After they came home, Peter went to bed almost immediately because he was exhausted. Elizabeth and Tommy stayed up with Joel, both of them visibly worried about him. Pretty quickly Elizabeth had picked up on the fact that Joel had gotten into a fight but he refused to tell her with who. That wasn’t something he was about to bring his daughter into. So instead she stayed up with both him and Tommy for as long as she could. And when she started falling asleep, Joel carried her upstairs to bed. Tommy made him promise to come back downstairs, but Joel didn’t get it. It had been hours since he put Elizabeth to bed, yet Tommy was still holding true to staying with Joel. There was a bag of ice that Joel had placed on his knuckles on his right hand and with his left hand he was holding ice to his nose. In the few good hits that Negan had got on Joel, he had managed to hit Joel in the nose and there was a cut over the bridge of it. “I’m not going to do anything stupid.”

“I don’t know,” Tommy’s eyes grew wide with him trying to wake himself up. Sliding into a better position to focus on the screen, Tommy was still wary about leaving Joel alone. “I don’t trust you alone with yourself right now.”

“You really think I would kill myself and let my children have to deal with that for the rest of their lives?” Joel snapped getting a certain look from Tommy that told him he did think that Joel was capable of hurting himself. “I might be selfish in your opinion, but I’d never do that to Ellie and Peter.”

“I’ve heard the way you talk when you’re upset,” Tommy reminded Joel, turning on the couch to face Joel to give him his full attention. This was why Tommy wouldn’t leave his side. He was worried that Joel would hurt himself. “You’ve threatened it before. Not so long ago either.”

“I wouldn’t do it,” Joel stressed, throwing his hand that was holding the icepack to his nose up in the air to silence Tommy from even talking about it any further. “It was a stupid thing to say and I should have never said it.”

“People don’t always make the best decisions when they are drunk. Emotions get high, their feelings get enhanced and they do…stupid things,” Tommy waved his hand about in the air suggesting that Joel was a perfect example for that. “I don’t think you would have done a lot of things that you did tonight if you were sober.”

“Noted,” Joel scoffed, lowering down on the couch, spreading his thighs further apart so he could get comfortable.

“I’m not trying to be rude Joel, but you say one thing and then you act another,” Tommy recognized how things were with his older brother right now. It was confusing trying to understand what Joel was doing with his life. “Here we are talking about Y/N and how you don’t want to upset her. How you want her happy. Then you are running off on her and attacking her boyfriend.”

“It’s complicated,” Joel suggested with a frown, dropping his head back against the couch out of frustration. What happened tonight was not something that he wanted to explain to people or even go into detail with. Tommy was trying, but Joel was attempting to keep things locked up.

“Everything is complicated with you,” Tommy blurt out with a frown, stroking his fingers through his long hair. “I love you big brother, but you’re emotional because you are jealous.”

Most days, Joel would have fought back. Swore he wasn’t jealous, but deep down? He knew that he was. And there was a strong sense of confusion that filled his veins too.

“Jealousy, anger, alcohol…” Tommy listed off the things he knew were going on with Joel right now, “they make you do stupid things.”

“I get it, I’m stupid,” Joel grumbled under his breath, rolling his eyes back to a close. That was a word that Tommy had focused on pretty heavily at this point. “You don’t have to keep reminding me of it.”

“I know it’s hard to hear considering,” Tommy reasoned with Joel knowing that he had offended his brother with that word. There were just a lot of decisions that Joel was making lately that Tommy didn’t agree with or understand. “Can I ask you something?”

“If I said no, it wouldn’t stop you,” Joel pointed out, his head dropping to the side with his eyes slowly opening. “So why bother asking?”

“I’m trying to be polite,” Tommy said with a tip of his head, his dark eyes gazing over his brother. “If you really do feel the way you say you do about Y/N then why does the idea of being together with all three of you bother you so much?”

“Really?” Joel grunted eliciting a dramatic shrug from Tommy. By the expression on Tommy’s face, he was genuinely curious. “Would you be okay if Maria told you that she was in love with another man and she wanted to be with him, but also be with you on the side?”

“If I was desperate enough and that was the only option, I’d take it,” Tommy surprised Joel with his answer. It didn’t seem to bother Tommy that much. “I love Maria. I know it was fast, I know that you would disapprove, but I love her a lot. So if that was the only way to have her in my life, I would deal.”

“I find that hard to believe,” Joel commented, his brown eyes unsure of the way that Tommy responded to his question.

“Beggers can’t be choosers Joel. You’re lucky enough that she still loves you,” Tommy snorted, his hands rubbing out over his own thighs in a stressed manner. Out of the corner of his eye, he could tell that Joel was glaring at him, but he didn’t care. “The things you did to her? Most people don’t come back from that. And you only recently broke up with Tess. Yet, you are expecting her to give up the one person who makes her feel good about herself to give you another chance? After how many? You’re lucky that she wants to be with you in any way.”

“Thanks for the support little brother,” Joel snarled, his eyes rolling when he dropped his head back against the couch in frustration again.

“I’m just pointing out the obvious,” Tommy defended himself with a yawn. Right now he was fighting falling asleep off, but it was hard. “If you love her, I think you’d want her to be the happiest version of herself. Right? So if she’s the happiest with both of you…?”

“What would people think?” Joel stressed, his nose wrinkling and that sent a rush of pain up to his forehead. Cussing out, he lifted the ice pack back to his nose to place it where it hurt the most. That was a thought he had been worried about from the start. What the world would think about the three of them being together in some kind of relationship.

“When have you ever cared what people thought?” Tommy was confused by the comment considering Joel always hated people as it was. There was never a moment where Tommy even thought for a second that Joel would care about what others thought about him. “You’ve never been the type to care what people thought of you. They told you that you were too young to be my primary caregiver, but you did it anyways. When people told you that Y/N’s parents were right, the two of you should get an abortion, you told them to fuck off.”

Going to say something, Joel scoffed when he realized that his brother was right, “And if people said things, do you really think it would be out of judgement or jealousy? Most people would love to be in a poly relationship with two people. Especially someone like Negan. Most straight men would happily bend over for Negan.”

Glaring over at Tommy had Tommy shrugging dramatically and making an awkward expression, “I’m just saying Joel, they would. They would brag about it too. So I don’t think you have anything to worry about. People might judge, but they would secretly be thinking how fucking lucky you were.”

“What makes you think I bent over for Negan?” Joel questioned with venom in his tone and it had Tommy’s face twisting with an array of emotions. Of all the things, that was what Joel was focused on and it seemed to put Tommy in a hard place.

An uncomfortable smile donned Tommy’s face and threw his hands up in the air once more, “Originally? I didn’t think you did, but your response to it tells me otherwise.”

A rush of warmth flooded into Joel’s face. Biting down on his lip, Joel kept himself from saying what he really wanted to, forcing himself to look away from Tommy. It embarrassed him to know that Tommy knew what had happened between him and Negan. That wasn’t something he wanted people to know.

“I didn’t think it was that kind of threesome, but I support it,” Tommy threw it out there, taking a moment to consider his next thought. “I’m not gonna judge you for being in a relationship with two people that might make you happy. You haven’t been happy in a long time Joel. If another man makes you happy? And if you sleep with him like that? I support it. Because I know you love Y/N. And something tells me that you like Negan more than you give up too. And if people give you shit for it? I’ll break their face.”

Again, Joel was quiet. It was hard being open with Tommy over…this. That was everything that someone in his position would want to hear from someone they loved. He just didn’t know if he wanted his little brother looking at him like that.

“So…” Tommy finally broke the moment of silence that surrounded them. Clearing his throat, Tommy adjusted his body on the couch and looked to Joel. “How was it?”

“How was what?” Joel scoffed, the line at the bridge of his nose growing deeper.

“Y’know,” Tommy nodded his head about trying to hint to Joel what he was talking about. When Joel realized that he was asking about the sex between him and Negan, Joel scowled and forced himself to look away from Tommy..

“I’m not doing this,” Joel was quick to respond and it had Tommy snickering. Warmth flooded into Joel’s face with his brother now asking him details about the sex that happened with Negan. “It’s not funny Tommy.”

“I don’t think it’s funny,” Tommy swore, placing his hand in over the center of his chest. “I guarantee every man in this town would be jealous. All the women too.”

“So you’d sleep with Negan?” Joel retorted having Tommy groan in disgust. Tommy shook his head and it made Joel angrier. “See, you’re a liar.”

“He’s like my brother you moron,” Tommy realized they were talking too loudly and he lowered his voice. “You, Y/N and Negan were my family growing up. People told me all the time that I should have stolen Y/N out from under you when you got divorced, but I can’t look at her like that. She adopted me Joel. You and her are the closest things I have to parents. And Negan was always like a big brother. So no, I couldn’t sleep with Negan because that would be like sleeping with you.”

Growling out, Joel set aside the ice pack and dropped his head forward into his hands, “Stop overthinking things Joel. You’re sabotaging yourself and your own happiness because you’re suddenly worrying about what other people might think of you?”

“Tommy…” Joel’s voice sounded irritated with it vibrating against his hands.

“Look at me,” Tommy called out to Joel, reaching out to shove at Joel’s shoulder when he didn’t. Another shove had Joel lifting his head in anger. “Do you love Y/N?”

“Yes,” Joel was quick to answer.

“Really love her? Or are you only feeling these things because of Negan?” Tommy brought up the thing that so many others had already done.

“Really love her,” Joel was disgusted that his own brother would question his motives. “I made a mistake when I divorced her Tommy. Why do you think Tess left me?”

“I thought that was a mutual thing,” Tommy commented, his brown eyes confused with his brother’s response about his ex-girlfriend. “You said that she wanted more from you than you were willing to give.”

“Yeah, exactly,” Joel scoffed, pointing toward Tommy who tipped his head to the side like a confused puppy dog. “Toward the end of my marriage with Y/N, I wasn’t very affectionate. It was something that always upset her. She wanted to cuddle. She wanted to hear how much I loved her. Instead I slept on the edge of the bed, the opposite side away from her, I wasn’t touchy feely…”

“Right…” Tommy was waiting for the explanation with Joel rambling.

“I couldn’t be loving and emotional, when I wasn’t that way with Y/N,” Joel expressed how he felt, remembering what he was feeling when he was dating someone else. “And I guess I was always comparing her to Y/N. Using our relationship as an example of how things should be. I liked Tess, but I never loved Tess. She put up with it for as long as she could, but I couldn’t give her what she wanted in a relationship because I was always so hooked on Y/N.”

“Then why did you leave her?” Tommy stressed the question that was always on everyone’s mind. Why would he be stupid enough to leave Y/N when he was still so visibly in love with her?

“I don’t know,” Joel had no really good answer for that. And that infuriated Tommy with his response. “I don’t know Tommy! I could blame my mental health. It was poor. And I think that’s really what it was, but it was still me making a really stupid fucking decision little brother. And I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea in the first place because it never was.”

Tommy was considering everything that Joel was saying, but he was quiet because it was obvious this whole thing was complicated like it had been stressed many times before, “I guess my brain thought I needed time to discover that she was what I wanted all along.”

“Well your brain took its sweet ass time,” Tommy replied back with a disgusted breath at his brother’s confession. Joel didn’t disagree with him. Especially now that they were in such a strange position that had Joel questioning everything. “How many women did you sleep with after you got divorced?”

That was not something that Joel expected Tommy to ask of him. And when he did? Joel got angry. That wasn’t even something that he thought they should be talking about.

“Don’t make me answer that,” Joel begged of his brother, rolling his eyes that Tommy would even go there.

“How many other women have you slept with other than Y/N?” Tommy continued to push having Joel’s jaw flexing. Here he was going to be stubborn and not answer his brother. “Is it so many that you don’t know or are you afraid that I will tell her? Because I’m your fucking brother and you should be able to tell me these things. We should be able to talk to each other about this stuff.”

“There are two answers to your question,” Joel resented the fact that Tommy was going to this. Especially since he didn’t know what it had to do with what they were talking about in the first place. “I slept with a few people before I ever got with Y/N. You know that she wasn’t my first, right? I was her first, but with me...a lot of girls wanted to hook up with me when I was younger.”

“I assumed that. You were popular, girls were falling at your feet,” Tommy recalled what it was like when Joel was in high school. “And it’s not like I couldn’t hear shit because my room was right next to yours. So while mom and dad were sleeping, I knew that you were sneaking people into your room.”

“Yeah, well your dad wouldn’t have had as much of a problem with it as you might think,” Joel swallowed down hard, his eyes gazing over at Tommy from where he was seated on the couch. It was hard to admit this to his brother when he let out a tremoring breath. “Our father is the one that got me the condoms. And he sure as hell didn’t have a problem with me sleeping around. In fact, he urged me to do it.”

“What?” Tommy snapped at Joel realizing that this was headed in a direction that he wasn’t expecting. “Joel, why would dad do that? You know that he just about ripped my head off when he found that magazine I was keeping in my room.”

“Because…” Joel paused, biting down on his bottom lip and looking toward the stairs. “Do you promise not to look at me differently if I tell you something?”

“What?” Tommy scoffed, sitting forward on the couch when he gazed over Joel. “Did you kill someone or something? Because I always thought you had it in you to do it.”

“Tommy, shut up,” Joel couldn’t help but laugh that his brother was being so ridiculous in the moment. “Please just give me a moment to say this, okay? I reckon you’ll never look at me the same again after I tell you. Because I…I hate myself for it too.”

“Okay?” Tommy didn’t know how to respond, he just listened and kept quiet like Joel asked him too.

“When I was younger, I thought I was hot shit. People really liked me. And girls were throwing themselves at me. The first time I had sex, it was awful. I mean, terrible,” Joel stressed, biting down on his bottom lip and he hit his knee. “I didn’t know if it was me or the girl because I really didn’t like her that much. I just did it because I’m a guy. There were a lot of hot girls that wanted to sleep with me and I didn’t turn them down. Some experiences were better than others. But? I uh…there was always one person I really liked.”

“Y/N?” Tommy spoke up, his head shaking about with Joel sucking in a sharp breath of air. Joel’s eyes grew damp when he looked to Tommy with a shake of his head.

“I didn’t start having feelings for her until this one day I was in class, but let me get to something else first,” Joel hushed his brother, lifting his hand up to silence Tommy so that way he couldn’t stop himself from continuing his story. “Tommy, I always liked Negan. And not just in the way that you like a friend. I crushed on girls that were like in the magazines and what not, but when I was around Negan? I just kinda felt things that I knew I shouldn’t be feeling. He’d come over to hang out and we’d watch things that we shouldn’t have been watching when no one was home. And at first, we’d just do things to ourselves. I just thought it was something that guys did together. But throughout time, we started touching each other. And this one time, dad came home early for something. He walked in on me and Negan doing that together and he…he beat the shit outta me Tommy. Calling me a fa…you know. He was so ashamed of me.”

“How did I not know about this?” Tommy asked, clearly horrified from what he was learning about the past.

“No one knew. The only people that knew were me and him. Not even mom knew. He called me that word, threw Negan out of the house and then he kicked my ass. Wanted to beat it outta me. Told me he wasn’t going to have a queer living in his house. Said I had to get my shit together because if he found me doing that again he would throw me out and take everything away from me,” Joel informed his brother, his voice breaking when he forced himself to look away from Tommy. “We came up with some stupid story about me being attacked by another kid from an opposing school so he didn’t get in trouble. The only reason Negan found out about it is because he was there when dad showed up. When I came to school looking like I did? He immediately knew. So now the only people in the world that ever knew were me, Negan, dad and you. It’s not that I was gay, I had feelings for other women throughout my life, I just…I really liked Negan. I think I knew pretty young that I had feelings for both men and women. Or Negan and women. I don’t know. Because there isn’t another guy that I’ve felt like that toward, but I don’t know if that’s because it’s how it is or because our dad beat it out of me.”

“You should have told me,” Tommy looked upset to hear that Joel went through that and Joel shrugged his shoulders. Joel was emotional about the past and it was devastating Tommy to think that Joel went through that alone. “I remember how upset mom was about the way you looked. Wanting to call the police, but dad wouldn’t let her.”

“Because he was the one that did it,” Joel released something that sounded like a whimper even though he didn’t want it to be like that. “That’s how I knew that Y/N was the love of my life. Because when I kissed her? When I slept with her. I felt something for her that I had never felt for anyone. Not even Negan. I slept with a handful of people to try to prove I wasn’t what dad thought I was, but it wasn’t until her where everything in the world felt right.”

Pausing to think about everything, Joel nervously rubbed at the back of his neck and shrugged, “You know when I was dating Tess, that I cheated on her with Y/N, right?” Joel brought up what was true to his little brother, catching the way that Tommy’s eyebrows bounced up. “We never stopped sleeping with each other Tommy. We may have been divorced, but we were never apart more than a month or two. So I didn’t completely just give up on her those four years.”

“I don’t know if that makes things worse or better Joel,” Tommy was honest with Joel about how he felt with things toward the whole Tess and Y/N situation. “She probably thought the whole time it was a sign that you still wanted to be with her, but then you never did come back. No wonder she thinks it’s because of Negan that you want to be with her.”

“I had problems,” Joel defended himself, his hand raising to place over the center of his chest. “You know just as well as me Tommy that we’re soulmates.”

“But I think Negan is her soulmate too,” Tommy was honest with Joel and for the first time he actually saw disappointment in Joel’s eyes. “Is that so wrong? Maybe…just maybe he’s your soulmate too.”

“I’m nothing compared to him,” Joel declared, his head lowering with his confession. “I have no chance if that’s really the case.”

“Yet, they both have been more than willing to include you in things,” Tommy reminded Joel, sliding in closer to his brother to give him a firm nudge. “Maybe start thinking about the positives in things. You can be alone, or you can have something which is better than nothing. And with what you just told me…? I think that’s more than enough reason to prove that this whole poly relationship thing is a great idea. After what you went through? Dad isn’t here anymore. I am. And I support you. I support you loving both of them.”

“But what about the children?” Joel’s breathing was broken and it had Tommy sucking in a sharp breath of air, his finger shakily pushing into his dark hair.

“I don’t think they’d care. They love all three of you. I think they’d be okay with it. As long as you don’t act like it’s a weird thing, I think they would accept you as you are,” Tommy stressed to his brother what he believed was true and honest. “They are good kids Joel. You raised them to be accepting of people. You never taught them to be any other way. It’d be a lot easier having the three of you together than having you separated. Let them show you that Joel.”

“She learned the truth Tommy with what I had done,” Joel admitted to his little brother, turning to look at him with a saddened expression. “Why Negan really stopped interacting with me and her. What I did to Negan. Why I really slept with her the first time.”

“Does that matter anymore?” Tommy responded in a way that wasn’t what Joel was expecting. “Yeah, you got with her to be a douchebag, but you fell in love with her. The two of you were together sixteen years before you got divorced. Your feelings weren’t fake those sixteen years. I think she knows better than to assume that it was all just to fuck with Negan. Negan left when you were eighteen. You could have dropped it, but you didn’t because you love her.”

“I have fucked things up so much little brother,” Joel realized, dragging his hands down over the sides of his face. “I don’t even know how to fix things.”

“Try,” Tommy said one word, but the emphasis on it obviously meant something to Tommy. “Just try. That’s all that matters. Trying.”

Giving a nod, Joel didn’t know how he would even approach trying, but it wasn’t bad advice. Standing up from the couch, Joel went into the kitchen to put back the ice packs and returned to step before Tommy, “I’m going to go up to my room. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Are you sure?” Tommy blurt out getting Joel to look back at him over his shoulder. “I don’t want to wake up to something bad Joel.”

“I promise, I’m just going to my room to rest,” Joel swore, giving Tommy a firm nod moving toward the stairs until Tommy called out to him.

“You could have told me Joel because I would have loved you no matter what,” Tommy promised Joel, swallowing down the lump in his throat that wouldn’t go away after Joel explained to him what happened with their father. “Unlike dad, I think you have the right to be happy. And you are always gonna be my hero big brother. You were more my father than he ever was. You weren’t broken because you were attracted to both Negan and Y/N. And I look up to you even more now cus’ you were able to tell me. I love you Joel. I’m sorry you had to go through all that alone.”

Moving to the stairs, Tommy could hear the sounds of Joel’s breathing. It was broken and he was upset, turning Joel to face him, Tommy wrapped his brother up in his arms and gave him a strong, lingering hug that had Joel finally returning the hug after a few minutes.

“I think a lot of what you are going through is dad’s fault,” Tommy whispered, patting Joel at the center of the back. “You were never allowed to be you. But stop letting dad be your inside voice Joel. You’re good enough. Stop forcing yourself to be miserable. You deserve to be happy. And this is your chance.”

Swallowing down hard, Joel pulled back and away from Tommy. Patting the side of Joel’s face, Tommy gave his brother a reassuring nod, staying at the bottom of the steps when Joel started to head up toward his bedroom.

Once inside of his room, Joel kicked the door shut with the heel of his foot. A tremoring breath escaped Joel’s throat with him bringing his hands up to his face to cover it. For so long Joel had held that in and to finally tell someone had him shaking. Talking about his past had him feeling things and feeling them very strongly.

Looking to his laptop, Joel saw that it was opened and he bit down firmly on his bottom lip. This whole thing had Joel thinking about what he had done tonight to both Negan and Y/N. And then Lucille popped into his mind. Never had he really been open with anyone about the secret friendship that he had with Negan’s wife. They used to talk all the time, but when Joel separated from Y/N, they really didn’t talk as much as they used to.

Logging into his e-mail, Joel typed her name into the search bar bringing up all their messages that they shared together. Often back then they would send each other messages, videos, voice recordings and he had all of them saved.

It had been so long since he really thought about Lucille. After divorcing Y/N he got distracted. Noticing how many unread e-mails he had from her truly made him realize that. Guilt started to build up inside of him considering how quickly he abandoned that relationship once he was no longer with Y/N.

Opening a few of the messages, Joel realized most of them were just her writing him to ask how he was doing. But the final one? It was a video that he never even bothered to look at. Swallowing down hard, he opened the message and waited for the video to download. Shifting in his seat, Joel rest his elbows on the desk and bit down on his bottom lip when it started to play.

“Hey there stranger,” Lucille’s weak voice drew a labored breath from his lips. In the video she was wearing a purple wig that was shoulder length instead of having her naturally blonde hair. Leaning further back in the chair, Joel bit down on his bottom lip. It was obvious by the way her eyes looked that she was tired and weak. There was always a glow and an energy to Lucille when they spoke, but that wasn’t there. “It’s been a long time since we’ve talked and I thought I would send you this. What do you think about the area back here?”

Moving out of the way of the camera, she focused on the room that she seemed to be in, “Negan insisted that we have our own little space so we can spend all of our time together.”

Sliding back into the frame, Lucille gave what looked like to be a happy smile causing an ache at Joel’s chest, “I think he knows I don’t have much time left. He’s having a hard time with it. I’ve pretty much accepted it at this point. I’m ready. I’m too tired to fight.”

A broken breath fell from Joel’s throat, an overwhelming overflow of guilt eating away at him that he never seen this or even responded to her. And he knew that she had been dead for years now. They were friends and he did the one thing that he accused Negan of doing with Y/N and him. Abandoned her.

“We have our own little couple cave here. It’s the most doting he’s ever been. I made him go out to get me ice cream while I made this video for you. He never wants to leave my side anymore. I had to beg him to do it,” Lucille stated with another long sigh, her head shaking as she spoke. “I’m worried about him. He’s not sleeping. I think he’s scared that if he sleeps, I’m going to die and he won’t be with me.”

There were tears burning at Lucille’s eyes as she spoke, “I’m just worried about him in general. He’s not strong enough for this. I don’t know what he’s going to do when I die. I don’t think he’s going to be able to handle it.”

There was a long silence and Joel could see tears sliding down her face when she shrugged, “I need you to do something for me. I think we were wrong in keeping all of us separated. More than anything when I’m gone, I think Negan is going to need friends. People to keep him from drowning. I think he needs you and Y/N. People who really know him. So when you find out that I die, please find a way to get in contact with him Joel. I’ve appreciated this friendship that the two of us have had and I hope you can do this for me.”

Stopping the video, Joel lowered his head and let out a trembling breath. Why did he never open the fucking e-mail? Why did he avoid her after he had broken up with Y/N all those years ago? Trying to gather himself, Joel pushed forward and hit the play button to start the video back up again.

“I miss talking to you,” she declared with a nervous laugh, shrugging her shoulders as she spoke to the camera. “I wanted to give you some advice Joel. Take it or leave it from a dying woman with nothing but a small amount of time. I know that you want more in life. That you felt cheated for the things that happened to you, but I think you need to reconsider your divorce to Y/N. I was really upset with my life for a long time too, but I realized something. I loved Negan. Through and through. I always knew there was a good man deep down inside of him and he’s really proven that the last year or so. He’s the man I always knew him to be. The only thing I regret is never being able to have a family. Joel, you have the one thing I always wanted. The one thing I always longed for.”

It took a minute for Lucille to gather herself, biting down on her bottom lip with her tears sliding down her face. Wiping at them with the back of her hand, Lucille sniffled and shook her head, “A family Joel. A family that loves you endlessly. Hear it from someone who has what you would consider everything. I have everything, but when I die, I’ll have nothing to be remembered by. You had someone that loved you, children who think the world of you. I have Negan. And he’ll be the only person to keep my memory alive. And he’ll be alone. Trust me when I tell you Joel, the everything you long for…you already have it. Nothing beats love. Not money, not fame…love. Because at the end of your life you truly realize who it is you want to have with you. And I realize now that it was Negan for me.”

The sound of a door opening was heard and Lucille was looking off the screen. At the corner of the screen Joel watched Negan walking over toward the back table to set down a few bags, “I’m sorry for taking so long. I had to go to two stores just to get these. I bought you a few just in case you keep having cravings.”

Pointing her finger back toward the corner of the room in the video, Lucille smiled and whispered faintly, “Goodbye Joel. Thank you for everything.”

“What was that?” a younger Negan turned on his heel to face her with her glancing back over her shoulder. “Who are you talking to?”

“No one,” Lucille stammered before ending the video.

It had Joel sliding further down in his chair feeling the ache growing at the center of his chest. Now, not only did he regret what he had done with Y/N, he realized that he also made a huge mistake in ignoring Lucille and her messages. It made Joel wonder how long after that video Lucille passed away.

Her last message was her telling him that his family was the most important thing. And now that she was gone and it was years later, Joel realized that she was right.

Sliding in closer to the desk, Joel went through a few folders until stopping on one that he wanted. Clicking open the video, Joel focused on the lower quality video smiling when he saw Y/N holding onto a young Peter sitting by the Christmas tree come into focus.

“Look at all those presents,” Joel’s voice was younger and he turned the camera toward him to show that Elizabeth was in his arms cuddling her head in against his shoulder. This was when they were still so happy and Joel didn’t doubt his life. “It looks like Santa was very good to the both of you this year.”

Pressing a quick kiss over a younger Elizabeth’s head, Joel turned the camera back to Y/N and Peter. Peter was clapping his hands together and reached for a present to inspect it, “I wonder what you did this year to be so good.”

“We’re just good always daddy,” Elizabeth’s younger voice was heard with her being set down and running to sit by the other two next to the tree. “You know that.”

“Yes you are,” Y/N wrapped her arms around both the children hugging them close. “You both are the best. And we love you very much.”

“Daddy, come on. Come here,” Peter called out moving his hands in a dramatic motion. A rumble of a laugh from the other side of the camera fell from Joel’s throat. A moment later Joel was setting up the camera so it would frame the whole family. He walked into the frame and dropped down on the ground next to Y/N. Peppering her with kisses had her smiling and Joel truly wondered where he went wrong. What was it that made him question the love he had for his family? He had the perfect life and now he was left realizing he should have never doubted that.

----

Tags: @chainsawsangel @fancypeacepersona @violent-darkness @negansbestie @elegantfanficluv

@sanctuaryforthelost @dead-of-niight @dilfsandmartinis @jennydehavilland

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mini-cheese · 3 months ago

Text

[No Escape until Dawn] Chapter 1

The low hum of machinery and the faint smell of cleaning supplies drifted through the massive halls of the PizzaPlex, a sensory cocktail of fluorescent lights, metal, and plastic that somehow managed to feel suffocating even in its cavernous spaces. As the main lights dimmed to a cool glow signaling closing time, Sunflower—at least, that’s what Sun had started calling her—checked her watch and exhaled. Midnight. The rest of the staff had filed out for the night, but she lingered for a last check of the daycare, locking up the storage closets, switching off the ambient music, and tidying up stray toys.

She’d been working for five months as the Daycare Assistant, as her staff badge proudly read. The idea had seemed quaint when she’d first started, the bright face of the solar bot , his well-rehearsed friendliness. It almost seemed like a joke when she’d been hired to “help him.” But as the echo of her footsteps filled the cavernous lobby as Starlight approached the main gates, her heart sank when she saw the steel shutters already down, the locks in place. She forgot they closed early today, and 9 pm had snuck up too fast. She gave the handle an experimental tug, but it didn’t budge. Her pulse quickened as the reality set in: she was locked inside the Pizzaplex, with no way out until morning.

“Damn it,” she muttered, glancing around the dark, empty lobby. Tonight of all nights? I was supposed to binge the next episode of Arcane.

She exhaled sharply, considering her options. Should she contact management? The thought of explaining herself left a bitter taste in her mouth. The rules were strict, and she’d seen staff get written up for less. She’d heard the stories too—the whispers about employees who simply vanished, their lockers mysteriously emptied by morning. Rumors floated through the break room like ghost stories, tales of staff disappearing after they’d seen something they weren’t supposed to.

She shivered, deciding against calling management. The last thing she wanted was to risk her job for what might just be an accident.

Well, she thought, taking a deep breath, I guess there’s only one place to go. She turned back, her shoes clicking against the cold tile as she made her way down the long, dim fluorescent lit corridors leading back to the daycare. It was a relief, in a way, to have the option. She didn’t know where else she’d feel safe in the vastness of the closed Pizzaplex, with its winding halls and dark corners. At least Sun would be there to keep her company.

When she reached the double doors of the daycare, she took a steadying breath before pushing them open, letting the warmth and light wash over her. And there he was, exactly where she’d left him: Sun, standing in the middle of the colorful play area, his face lighting up the moment he saw her.

“Sunflower!” he greeted, his voice filled with delight as he stretched his arms out toward her, his sun rays spinning in joyful circles. “You came back!”

She chuckled, feeling the tension in her shoulders ease. “Looks like I didn’t have much of a choice, Sun. They locked me in.” She sighed, pretending to be exasperated, but the truth was… she felt safe here. Safer than she had out in the halls.

“Oh dear!” Sun replied, his hands fluttering to his face in exaggerated concern. “What a terrible mistake!” His voice dipped to a playful murmur. “But I’m glad, you know. I was sad thinking I wouldn’t see you until tomorrow.” He paused, his eyes brightening with excitement. “Now we can have fun all night long!”

She felt herself blush, wondering why his touch always seemed so warm, so comforting. There was something in his presence that settled her nerves, made the vastness of the Pizzaplex feel… cozy.

“Sounds like you’re thrilled to have a little company,” she teased, taking a tentative step closer. He held out his arms with his usual enthusiasm, and she let herself be pulled into a soft hug, his touch wrapping her in an almost parental warmth.

He pulled back, looking at her with a soft, bright expression. “Only a little,” he replied, his voice dripping with playfulness. “Well, maybe a lot.” His sun rays spun faster, showing the excitement in his frame. “How about a game of hide-and-seek, hmm? We haven’t played since last week.”

She laughed, feeling the remnants of her worry melt away. “Alright,” she said, grinning up at him. “But no peeking!”

He gasped, feigning innocence. “Me? Peek? Why, I would never, my little Sunflower.” He spun on his heel, covering his eyes as he began to count. “One… two… three…”

As he counted, she darted toward the play structures, weaving between plastic trees and foam mats, her heart pounding. She knew it was just a game, but the adrenaline made her giddy. There was something thrilling about having Sun searching for her, his joyful, singsong voice calling out her nickname. She squeezed herself behind a pile of giant, foam blocks, trying to stifle her laughter as his voice floated through the daycare.

“Seventeen… eighteen… nineteen… twenty!” He turned, his eyes scanning the room, his sun rays spinning in a slow, deliberate rhythm. “Ready or not, here I come!”

A strange thrill shot through her as he moved through the room, his gaze sweeping over every corner, his voice low and playful. “Oh, Sunflower… where are you hiding?” She pressed her hand over her mouth, trying not to make a sound, her heart pounding louder in her chest as he neared.

Finally, he stopped right in front of her hiding spot, looking directly into the foam blocks. “Found you!” he cried triumphantly, reaching out and gently pulling her from her hiding place, his laughter filling the room as she broke into a grin.

“You always find me,” she teased, rolling her eyes playfully.

He chuckled, his hand resting lightly on her shoulder as he looked down at her with a warm, almost adoring expression. “Of course, I always find you, my little Sunflower. I’m very good at knowing where you are.” His voice held a note of something softer, something almost possessive, but his smile remained bright, innocent.

The way he looked at her made her heart skip a beat. She knew he was only playing, only teasing her the way he always did, but something in his gaze felt different tonight, a quiet intensity lingering beneath the cheer.

She glanced down, feeling her cheeks warm. Why is my heart beating so hard? she wondered, trying to shake off the strange feeling. She was just tired, that was all. She’d been planning to go home, to relax in bed, to binge her favorite show and unwind. That was all it was.

As if sensing her distraction, Sun tilted his head, watching her with a curious, affectionate smile. “You look tired,” he said softly, his hand gently brushing a strand of hair from her face. “It’s been a long day, hasn’t it?”

She nodded, surprised by the softness in his voice, the way his hand lingered for a moment longer than necessary. His touch was comforting, steady, a warmth she didn’t want to pull away from.

“You know, it’s funny,” he continued, his tone still soft. “I’ve always wondered what it would be like to spend a whole night with you. To see you resting, safe and sound.” His words sent a quiet thrill through her, the casual affection in his voice giving way to something deeper, something that made her heart flutter in her chest.

She forced herself to laugh, trying to shake off the strange feeling. “Well, looks like you’re getting your wish,” she replied, smiling up at him. “Guess you’ll have to keep me entertained all night long.”

His smile brightened, his sun rays spinning faster. “That, my dear Sunflower, is a promise,” he said, his voice filled with delight. “How about I show you all my favorite places in the daycare? There are plenty of places you haven’t seen yet, after all.”

She raised an eyebrow, intrigued. “Oh? You’re telling me there’s more to this place than play structures and coloring books?”

“Much more,” he replied, winking playfully. “Follow me!”

He took her hand, leading her through the daycare, pointing out little nooks and hidden corners, places he'd hide during hide and seek, or the best viewpoint to watch the littles, his voice filled with enthusiasm as he showed her every detail. She could feel his hand gently holding hers, the warmth of his touch sending little sparks of excitement through her. He was so kind, so attentive, and something about his presence made her feel… safe. As they walked, she found herself relaxing, the stress of the night slowly melting away as she let herself enjoy his company.

He paused, glancing at the lights above with a faintly apprehensive expression. “Just so you know, the lights in the daycare… they’re on a timer.”

She frowned, tilting her head. “A timer?”

“Yes. One hour on, one hour off,” he explained carefully, his voice softening. “When they go out, it… means things change around here. I’d rather you didn’t wander when it’s dark.” He glanced away, his expression unreadable. “I’d hate for you to be somewhere… unsafe.”

She nodded slowly, remembering the rumors she’d heard about the daycare. Tales of the mysterious, shadowy figure that supposedly shared a body with Sun—a dark entity called Moon. She’d always dismissed the stories as nothing more than staff gossip, cautionary tales told to explain the strange disappearances of some of the employees. She’d even laughed them off, convinced that whatever “Moon” was, he couldn’t be that bad.

Still, something about the way Sun was watching her, his expression tense and serious, made her feel a twinge of apprehension.

“Well, I won’t go far,” she promised, giving him a reassuring smile. “I’ll stay close. I trust you.”

His face brightened, his eyes filling with relief as he squeezed her hand gently. “Thank you, Sunflower,” he murmured, his voice barely above a whisper. “It means the world to me.”

She smiled, her heart warming at the softness in his gaze. He really is sweet, she thought, feeling a strange, quiet affection growing in her chest. Sun felt safe, familiar, and being with him made the vast emptiness of the Pizzaplex seem a little less daunting.

But just as she felt herself relaxing, the lights started to clunk out, slowly plunging the daycare into darkness from the far wall, row by row of light, getting closer. She froze, her eyes widening in confusion. It's not even 10 yet? What's going on?? She felt Sun’s hand slip away, the warmth of his touch vanishing as a faint, metallic hum filled the air.

A chill ran down her spine, the memory of the stories about Moon flickering in her mind. She tried to steady her breathing, forcing herself to stay calm. It’s just a story, she told herself. Baseless rumors.

But as the darkness deepened, approaching quickly, a quiet tension settled over the room, and she felt an unspoken shift in the air.

The lights directly above them clicked off with a harsh finality, plunging the daycare into an unnatural darkness that sent a shiver racing down Starlight’s spine. She froze, her hand instinctively reaching out to where Sun had been standing, but in the thick silence, her fingers met only empty air.

A strangled, agonized sound broke the silence, a sound so desperate and raw that it struck her to her core. She turned, her eyes straining to find him in the dark. “Sun?”

“Oh no, no, no,” Sun’s voice trembled, carrying a deep, gut-wrenching fear she’d never heard before. He was clutching at his faceplate, his rays spinning erratically as though fighting to remain visible. “I… I’m so sorry, Sunflower, I… I didn’t mean… it’s not supposed to be now… hide, please hide—”

His voice fractured, descending into a garbled mix of static and broken sounds as he gripped his head, his form visibly straining as if fighting something internal. But even as he seemed to resist, his rays slowly retracted into his faceplate, vanishing with a metallic whir. His cheerful yellows and reds melted away, replaced by a haunting blend of deep blues and whites. A long nightcap unfurled from the back of his head, a cold, dark counterpoint to Sun’s usual sunny crown.

Starlight took a step back, her stomach twisting. She’d never truly feared him before, not Sun, but watching him now—his body writhing as he transformed, his frame jerking against itself—left her frozen in horror.

“Please, just go,” he managed one last, desperate plea, his voice barely recognizable before it shattered into static.

Then, with a jarring snap, he went silent.

As the silence stretched on, a new figure took Sun’s place: darker and angled oddly, with piercing red eyes that gleamed in the darkness like embers. His body seemed to settle into his shape, his limbs moving fluidly now, his joints creaking as he adjusted to the new form. It was Moon. And he was staring at her.

“Oh god,” she whispered, every muscle in her body going rigid as a chill washed over her. She took a shaky breath, her pulse racing as the shock settled into a sharp edge of fear. Is Moon really that bad?

Her mind screamed at her to move, to run, to find a place to hide. Heart pounding, she turned and darted toward the play structure, her body moving on instinct as she scrambled for safety.

Hide, just hide. Her breaths came shallow and quick as she climbed into the play structure, her hands clutching the padded edges of the entryway. The once bright and inviting tubes, the small padded corridors she could only crawl through, now seemed to press in around her, their cheerful colors swallowed by the darkness, leaving only the feeling of claustrophobia as the tight spaces closed around her. She forced herself deeper inside, her knees and palms sinking into the soft, plasticky padding, the muffled sound of her movements blending with the strange creaks and groans of the structure itself.

A dark, static-filled chuckle resonated through the air, reverberating through the tubes, making her skin crawl.

“Hidey-hide,” a voice purred, so low it felt like it was whispering directly into her mind. “Hide away…”

The sound of Moon’s voice was far different from Sun’s. It was gravelly, sinister, punctuated by bursts of static, as though his words were being filtered through some broken speaker. Every syllable dripped with something dark and mocking, and the way he drew out the words left a pit of dread churning in her stomach.

She crawled forward, her hands shaking as she moved deeper into the play structure. Her fingers fumbled against the foam padding, her breaths shallow as she clung to the walls, squeezing herself into a corner where the padding narrowed. It was a cramped space, one she could barely turn in, but it was something, a place she could hide.

This is just a prank, she tried to tell herself, though even as she thought it, she could feel the lie in it. Sun wouldn’t do this to me, would he?

But that desperate, strangled cry still echoed in her ears, and she knew—whatever this was, Sun had been terrified. That was no act.

A flicker of movement caught her eye, and she froze, her breath catching in her throat. Moon’s figure appeared just outside the play structure, his body moving with an eerie grace, his limbs looking too long, too fluid, though they were the same as Sun’s. He approached the structure’s mesh walls, his red pupils sharp and unblinking as they scanned the interior, the glow of them cutting through the darkness with a haunting intensity.

“Come out, come out, wherever you are…” he sang softly, his voice laced with a dark amusement.

Starlight pressed herself further into the tight corner, willing herself to become invisible, her pulse pounding as she watched him through the mesh. His face twisted into a grin, his eyes narrowing as they swept across her hiding place, and for a moment, she dared to hope he hadn’t seen her.

But then his gaze settled on her, locking her in place as if he’d known she was there all along.

Her heart leapt to her throat, terror freezing her in place as his eyes bore into her. The small barrier of mesh between them felt like nothing, a flimsy excuse for protection as he scaled the side of the structure, getting closer, his grin widening. His pupils contracting as he looked at her with an intensity that made her stomach twist.

“Found you,” he whispered, his voice barely a breath, though it carried through the structure like a haunting melody.

Starlight swallowed, her mind racing as she considered bolting, darting deeper into the structure, away from those unblinking red eyes. But before she could move, his hand shot out, gripping the outside of the play structure with a force that made the walls shake, the plastic groaning under the strain. He pressed closer, his gaze never wavering, his expression fixed in that dark, unsettling grin.

“Scared, little star?~” he murmured, his voice smooth and dark, his words dripping with a quiet, unsettling mirth.

She tried to move, to scramble further away, but the walls of the structure seemed to close in on her, the tight, claustrophobic space making it impossible to escape. Every inch of her body was coiled with tension, her pulse a drumbeat in her ears as she felt the weight of his gaze press down on her.

The seconds stretched on, each one pulsing with a silent, mounting dread, until she was certain she could feel the very air growing heavy, closing in around her as he stared.

And then, just as she was sure he would tear through the mesh and reach her, the lights overhead flickered back on.

Moon recoiled, his body stiffening, a guttural growl escaping him as he tried to resist the change. His face twisted in frustration, one hand clutching his head as the nightcap retreated, his red eyes flickering and fading as Sun’s rays reemerged, the colors of his frame shifting back to their bright yellows and reds.

Starlight watched in stunned silence as he fought the transformation, his body jerking and convulsing as if it were being torn apart. But finally, with a shuddering breath, the familiar face of Sun reappeared, his bright eyes widening as he looked at her, his expression one of pure, unfiltered relief.

“Sunflower!” he cried, his voice thick with emotion. He reached for her, his movements awkward and shaky as he tried to maintain his balance on the outer wall, but as he stretched his hand out to steady himself against the play structure, he lost his grip and tumbled backward, landing in an ungainly heap on the padded floor 10 feet below.

Starlight’s heart twisted, fear and worry flooding her as she scrambled out of the structure, her hands trembling as she crawled down to where he lay. “Sun?” she whispered, her voice wavering as she knelt beside him, reaching out to touch his shoulder. “Are you… okay?”

He blinked up at her, his eyes hazy, the brightness in them slowly returning as he took in her face. “Yes, yes! Oh, Sunflower,” he murmured, his voice soft, filled with a quiet, aching relief. “Are… are you alright?”

She nodded, though her own heart still raced, her thoughts a whirl of confusion and fear. “I’m fine, but… Sun, what just happened?” She hesitated, glancing around the daycare as if expecting to see the haunting figure of Moon lurking in the shadows. “The lights went out early, and… he was here.”

Sun’s face fell, his expression growing pained as he looked away, his rays drooping slightly. “I’m so sorry, Sunflower,” he whispered, his voice heavy with regret. “I wish I could ,have warned you sooner. The lights… they’re on a timer, but something… must have gone wrong.”

She frowned, her worry deepening as she studied him. He looked shaken, almost fearful, a vulnerability she’d never seen before. “Are you hurt?”

He shook his head quickly, forcing a bright, reassuring smile. “No, no, I’m perfectly fine. It’s you I’m worried about,” he said, reaching out to gently squeeze her hand. “I never wanted you to see… him.”

Her heart twisted as she met his gaze, the lingering fear still settling heavily in her chest. She could feel the weight of his hand on hers, the warmth of his touch anchoring her, and despite everything, she felt a strange, quiet comfort.

“I’m okay,” she murmured, her voice soft. “I trust you, Sun. Just… let me know if something’s wrong. I can handle it.”

He hesitated, his hand lingering on hers, his gaze filled with a mix of relief and something deeper, something she couldn’t quite name. “Thank you, Sunflower,” he whispered, his voice laced with quiet gratitude. “I’ll do everything I can to keep you safe.”

But as he held her hand, a flicker of something darker passed through his gaze, a quiet intensity that made her heart skip. She squeezed his hand, hoping it was just a trick of the light.

--------------

Thank you for reading chapter 1 of No Escape! Should I continue it?

I've written far too much of my own self insert to not share at this point. Thinking of adding it on Ao3. What do you guys think? Also, should I continue with POV 'she', or do you prefer it in 3rd person like 'you'. ily ty

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ateez-himari · 2 months ago

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Hi bb!!! I've officially finished my exams and I have a holiday break so I'm feeling happy!!! I saw another anonie sending asks so now I have to up my game 😌(jk)

I had some questionssss

-Has hima ever been an mc on mubank before? and if so who was her partner/s

-I was rewatching teez's performance on MMA and I was wondering if the fans cheered really loudly when mingri's part came

-How do the stylist like to dress hima up? Taking in consideration that she's the only female idol in KQ plus in ateez they probably doll her up

-idk if this is weird but I feel like mingi and hima probably don't give a f anymore about their closeness after becoming publin and I'm talking about shamless glances and smirks

-would hima rather know what the future's holding for her or go back in time and change something in her past

-can I request so soft mingri moments I'm in my feels because of the weather🥹🥹

Ily so much bb, take care and eat well mwahh!! 💓💓

Hi sweet!! Congratulations, now you can finally get some more than deserved rest!! 😘 I actually still have one ask to answer from that anon but i got writer's block for it 😭(ANON IF YOU'RE SEEING THIS I'M WORKING ON IT DON'T WORRY!!)

• Our little social butterfly was an easy choice for Music Bank and they paired her with Sunwoo from THE BOYZ since both have a similar outgoing personality (it was also after Kingdom : Legendary War so it seemed like a natural pairing)

• Oh definitely! So many Atiny have been talking about wanting to see that part live so they were screaming their lungs out. Since it's a big award show they didn't kiss but Mingi took her chin in his hands and turned her face back to him, making her lose the stage demon facade for a second because she was so flustered

• Hima has had several stylists since debut - the first stylist respected the maknae's wishes and dressed her the exact same as the members (she left after becoming pregnant). The second would put more feminine spins on the outfits but they were still a lot more masculine than other girl groups (she was fired following Kingdom as she forced the maknae to show her scars). The current stylist is fully leaning into her charm, at times making her look more tomboy-ish but still keeping her delicate image, other times making the outfits are fully feminine. As Hima got older she's also begun to dress her in more chic clothing, enhancing her maturity without making her seem too old

Her favorite events to dress Hima for are award shows or concert encores because she can put her in dresses, cute shirts, legwarmers, put cute accessories in her hair, etc., (she loves dressing her up like a cute little doll). She gets kind of sad during Versace events because it's often the house's stylists or Donatella herself that dress her so she can't be the one to put her in all those intricate corsets or silky dresses :(

• They really can't find it in themselves to care anymore, there are so may clips from lives where she's sitting on his lap while wearing one of his boxers, she even brushed a hand across his "belt" (guys I swear it was the belt, guys....) during one of their concerts and stuck her tongue out at him while he was left blushing like an idiot. When there's some kind of innuendo these two are the first to look at each other (well actually sometimes it's Wooyoung and Hima and they can't help but to laugh their asses off)

• Hima isn't worried about the future, so she would rather turn back time; she would change the way her younger self viewed the accident. Of course everything was caused by grief, by her young mind being unable to understand everything going on around her, but one day she got angry at Hanzo after he had finally come out of his room to make her food as an apology. Hima had been dealing with so much at the time - solitude, Yoongi's mental health, the hardships of accepting new parents, her hearing disability that made every day more complicated, etc., - so everything blew up on him. The poor girl wasn't angry, she was in distress, she broke down crying and said things like "why did you abandon me ?" "you promised you would always be there when I needed you". If she could go back in time she'd make herself realize that Hanzo was suffering just as much as she was

• Of course you can! After Mingi sent the Fromm messages in which he expressed his intention to marry his girlfriend, she called him down onto the floor and began painting slivers of smoke along his bare arm - unfortunately he let his impulsive thought get the better of him and he smeared paint across her cheeks, which resulted in the two of them play fighting while trying to get as much paint on the other as possible

After Himari sent the Fromm messages revealing she was now studying Brain and Cognitive Science at KU, Mingi was having trouble taking a much needed nap so he pulled her in between his legs (on a bean bag) and she finished her study session tucked against his chest while his head rested on top of her own, sound asleep

At home she often forgets to put her hearing aid back in after a shower so when Mingi approaches her or is in the room, he moves with heavier steps so she can feel the vibrations or sends a series of one letter messages so that her smartwatch will vibrate several times (she learned to take that as a sign), so that she doesn't get startled because she didn't hear him

I always look forward to your asks!! ILYSM too Mina!! Make sure to rest plenty and have lots of fun now that the hardest part of the term is over! MWAHHH take good care of yourself 🥰🩷

#ateez au #ateez imagines #ateez 9th member #ateez extra member #ateez female member #kpop oc #himaask

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mortal-sarah · 4 months ago

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Hello hi, I was going to ask about your KentaKim hcs and thoughts because I adore them (Kenta especially) and then I saw: Concubine!JJ x King/Prince!Methas au

and now I need to know about this please!!!!

Hi! Yes!! This au has gripped me by the throat since watching the show lol!

So this is very based on the running theme in tldhlb that Methas believes money can buy anyone or anything but giving it a bit of a darker spin. In my mind this au is set in ambiguously imperial times or in some sort of kingdom/royalty au setting. Methas is the king or prince and JJ is just a commoner or a lower class worker. One day they meet and JJ stands up to Methas in some way that instantly attracts Methas’ attention. And like in canon after only a few interactions Methas is like I need to have this man. So he uses his power or finds some kind of leverage (maybe related to Wan and JJ’s desire to protect/look out for him) to force JJ to become his concubine. It’s very much playing off the “you can’t use money to buy someone like me” line in the show. Because in this au Methas quite literally does have the power to buy JJ and that makes me feral! So yeah this au stemmed a lot from the idea of what would the MethasJJ ship/dynamic look like if they lived in a world where JJ couldn’t exercise his freewill as easily and Methas had the power to give into the desire to essentially own JJ that he feels towards the begging of the show. To pay for his love. Though I imagine JJ would be equally as stubborn and would fight Methas where he could. I don’t think Methas would force JJ to do anything against his will but I do think he would pout and wonder why JJ wasn’t just immediately accepting his new life and why he wasn’t giving Methas all the kissing and loving he wanted lol. I think Methas would bug JJ but ultimately give him space and try to please him with lavish gifts and meals and other things. JJ wouldn’t hold back his opinions about how wrong this all is and would let Methas know that he may be able to buy him but not his affections. Eventually JJ would unlock Methas’s sad back story about his family all dying in a tragic accident and leaving him alone and he would realize okay he may be a rich asshole monarch but he is just a little meow meow. JJ would start to fall for him as Methas tried his best to learn and grow and give JJ what he needs to be happy. And In the end JJ would be elevated from concubine to queen 👑

Also these moments in the context of this au!!! Ahh!!!

(Gif 1 - https://www.tumblr.com/itagakimizuki/758537071030861824

Gif 2 - https://www.tumblr.com/thisautistic/759000041497231360/sickos-etc

Gif 3 - https://www.tumblr.com/namtan/758992256973832193)

#methasjj #this love doesnt have long beans #this love doesn't have long beans #tldhlb #benzgarfield #au

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coraniaid · 9 months ago

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🔥 about tara

OK, so for the record I like Tara a lot. She's definitely in my top ten favorite characters. I am still in the early stages of a (painfully slow) Season 4 rewatch, and one of the things keeping me going is the thought I will get to see Tara again soon.

I think Tara's death is very sad and I can understand why Amber Benson felt poorly treated by the way it was handled (especially with the stupid gimmick of adding Tara to the opening credits just for that episode). On balance -- and especially given the context arround her introduction and her relationship with Willow -- I think that it was probably a fairly significant mistake from a writing perspective for at least a couple of reasons. (It's not really a good look to kill off half of your show's groundbreaking lesbian couple, whatever the context, and the writers didn't really seem to have any sort of coherent plan for what to do with Willow afterwards.)

But it kind of irks me when I see it described as an obvious case of the Bury Your Gays trope because ... it really isn't?

Tara doesn't die because she's gay: she doesn't die shortly after coming out, she isn't targeted because she's a lesbian; she isn't, in fact, targeted directly at all. Her death is basically just a stupid random accident. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Neither is Tara treated as more expendable by the narrative because she's a lesbian. By the time Tara dies, Buffy (and the Angel spin-off) had already killed off (among other recurring and at least occasionally sympathetic characters) Jenny Calendar, Kendra, Larry, Doyle, Forrest, Joyce and Darla. By the time both shows end the writers will have also killed off Jonathan, Anya, Cordelia, Fred and Wesley. Buffy isn't quite a show where Anyone Can Die, but certainly it's one where anyone can die if they're not in the Core Four (and if they're not vampires Buffy has slept with, in which case they can die for a little bit but they'll get over it).

And nor is there some sense that Tara's death affects the rest of the group any less than any of the others on the above list. On the contrary, other than Joyce, who is the protagonist of the show's actual mother and had been a presence in the show for almost twice as long as Tara was, she gets mourned for longer and by more people than anyone else on that previous list. (Xander and Willow's supposed childhood friend Jesse gets mourned so little I couldn't even bring myself to add him to the list.)

Yes, the show is far from perfect. It definitely is, at various times, racist, sexist and homophobic, often in ways that cannot at all be dimissed as the show being a product of its time. I think you could certainly argue that Tara was a victim of the show's persistent narrative misogyny (Willow's first girlfriend, Giles's first girlfriend on the show, and both of Xander's girlfriends die, but neither Oz nor Riley die and neither Angel or Spike die in a way that matters).

But Tara's death isn't automatically an example of the Bury You Gays trope just because she dies and was a lesbian. Even though, as I said, it was a probably the wrong decision for the character and the show and I wish it hadn't happened.

Oh, also, a bonus hot take:

In a hypothetical Season 7 where Tara survived, I really don't think I can see her relationship with Willow lasting long. The show sort of forgets about it in favor of advancing the subplot in which Willow becomes a magic addict after her Evil Friend Amy takes her to see a drug dealer and then forces her to relapse, but .... Willow's supposed magic addiction isn't why she and Tara broke up. They broke up because Willow was messing with Tara's memories and consent, well before she'd ever met Rack or de-ratted Amy. Willow hadn't actually done anything to address the things that made her take Tara for granted and consider herself entitled to mess with her mind with magic at all. She'd been sad about the relationship ending, sure, and Tara missed Willow, but ... Willow was absolutely the same person who did this to Tara.

The show doesn't bother to address the actual reason she and Tara broke up, preferring the cheap shock death just when they'd gotten back together again. But after a while I think Tara would have realized this, and without the shock of losing Tara in the first place I think Willow would find it very hard not to fall back into her old habits. Habits which have nothing to do with Amy's supposed malign influence. After all, Willow was trying to use magic to change her best friend's mental state without his consent as early as Lovers Walk, a full year before she ever met Tara. And when she and Oz broke up that same season she very quickly started talking about wishing she had a way to "make [him] trust me". This is much more a part of who Willow is than any addiction to evil magic.

#btvs #asks #thanks #I have a horrible feeling I've posted something a lot like this before #sorry if I'm repeating myself #(rereading this before I post I just want to note that I really like Willow too despite what the last couple of paragraphs might imply)

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april-is · 10 months ago

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April 4, 2024: Coyotes by the Eliot House, Glyn Maxwell

Coyotes by the Eliot House Glyn Maxwell

Tom I’ve a question and all I have is a question. There are lots of coyotes near this old house you lived in. I didn’t expect them here in the green Northeast. Figured them things of rocks and the high sierras. There goes another one bounding for the bushes. First time, I thought: that’s a dog acting really strangely. But it didn’t turn back for approval or get distracted by an insignificant thing, as a dog will tend to. No it was gone by now, it had made me nervous. They’re the size of a family dog but they’re on their own. Folks round here reassure me there’s no danger unless you attack their cubs so I’ll shelve my plan to attack their cubs, chrissakes. Tom, Tom, apologies, I have loved my time in your house.

Last night at dinner we heard a siren wailing off in the town and all of them started howling, all the coyotes for miles around in the bushes aghast, alerting their young, alarming their old, rising and heightening, matching its pitch and power, one near the blue spinning light in its thrall, uniquely bound by this unpredicted visitation. Then after the siren faded they packed it in. What do they think that is, that demands of them and gets of them their love or their terror or both? What do we poets do when we know it’s nothing? Not for them or against them or about them. Tom, I had to be here to ask that question. I expect I’ll have to be gone before you answer.

More animal poems.

More poems responding to T.S. Eliot, my problematic fave:

Waste Land Limericks, Wendy Cope

Old Women in Eliot Poems, David Wright

Today in:

2023: I Know Someone, Mary Oliver 2022: I’m Going Back to Minnesota Where Sadness Makes Sense, Danez Smith 2021: In the Morning, Before Anything Bad Happens, Molly Brodak 2020: Interesting Times, Mark Jarman 2019: The accident has occurred, Margaret Atwood 2018: Little snail, Anonymous 2017: Poem for My Son in the Car, Jennifer K. Sweeney 2016: Postcard to Baudelaire, Thomas Lux 2015: What The Dead Tell Us About Charon, Ferryman Of The Dead, Brett Ortler 2014: The Trees, Philip Larkin 2013: A Small, Soul-Colored Thing, Paisley Rekdal 2012: Last Supper, Charles Wright 2011: I Said to Poetry, Alice Walker 2010: Disgraceland, Mary Karr 2009: What To Say To A Bear, Ionna Warwick 2008: In The City of Light, Larry Levis 2007: the mockingbird, Charles Bukowski 2006: Part of Eve’s Discussion, Marie Howe 2005: I thank You God for most this amazing, e.e. cummings

#poem #poetry #re: t.s. eliot #apostrophe #glyn maxwell

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jake-g-lockley · 2 years ago

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Hello darling! Can I request almost kissing but someone walks in + steven grant my baby Hehehe

Harmony of the Sea and Moon (Steven Grant x reader)

Masterlist | Spotify Playlist | Want to be tagged?

A/N: YESS STEVEN! Omg I have so much soft thoughts about this man, mainly because he is the human version of the heart eyes emoji. Lmao but this fic feels like a fever dream ngl

Word Count: 937 words

☾ .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Love is a weird thing. No one truly knows what it is but everyone eventually succumbs to it. It's pure, vulnerable, painful and many other things. But to Steven, it was harmony. Harmony that he could not explain but could not deny as well. It pushed him into a vision of peace like no other and quietened his mind, letting him relax. It began in the morning when you had pounded your fist on the door of his apartment.

The both of you had overslept, way past your alarms and clearly left the bus. Steven scrambled as you helped him pack his bag and the both of you sprinted out of the doors as fast as humanly possible.

“It’s okay, we can just walk, it should be fine.” you assured him, but he didn’t need assurance as he stared without a single thought in his head at you.

His heart stuttered as you clutched firmly at his wrist, pulling him as he lagged slightly behind. His eyes were trained on you and he watched as your hair flowed behind you, fluttering softly against the wind that picked up. You stop and he slammed into your back and you turned to pout at him, only causing his heart to speed up unnaturally fast.

Suddenly, Steven felt the wind pick up and he tilted his chin up to the heavens as the first few drops of the sad London rain littered his face. It snapped Steven out of his trance, almost as if it gave him a cold shower. He realised that the both of you were very close to the museum and he swore under his breath as he laced his fingers with yours, preparing to make a run for it.

But you let him go, confusing him. Your face was tilted up at the heavens too but your eyes were closed and you had a small smile on your face as the rain became heavier. Steven stood rooted as you stepped forward and stretched your arms up above your head. The feeling of harmony crescendoed at this instant and whatever Steven had been feeling was amplified by tenfold as he clutched at his chest right above where his heart sat. He felt pulled to you the way the Moon pulls the tides of the Earth's seas, creating a perfect continuous melody in his heart that clawed throughout his body at the sight of you.

You let out a laugh, spinning around and Steven started perceiving everything in slow motion. He never fell in love with you by accident, he always felt like it was just meant to happen. He felt an invisible force push him forward and he clutched at your wrist, pulling you close. Steven started to sway you back and forth as your head was thrown back and your laugh echoed in the emptiness of his head. Oh what a sight the both of you must have been, with Steven’s dazed out smile and you laughing in his arms.

“Shit! Steven, the time, we got to go!” you yelled and he chuckled, letting himself be pulled towards the museum.

☾ .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

After an earful of scolding from Donna, the both of you retreated to the staff rooms to get changed with some items found in the lost and found. JB had been nice enough to grab some towels for the both of you and you now were rubbing the water out of your hair as the warm room soothed your body.

Steven was shivering and quickly pulled his jacket and shirt off without a second thought, causing your face to heat up as you caught the sight of his beautiful olive skin. He pulled on the shirt he found and grabbed the towel to start drying his hair. You had been silently observing the way he acted all morning and your heart was pounding at the way he had danced with you in the rain.

He was your perfect Steven and you wanted so bad to be his.

You found yourself gravitating towards him and you pulled the towel off his head. He looked at you with his big soft eyes and you almost melted. Instead you gave him a shy smile as you stepped closer. You couldn’t help but feel drawn to him and you could feel his breathing quicken as you looked up at him.

Whatever you were feeling, you knew he was harmonising with you. He looked really pretty like this, with his wet curls and tinted cheekbones. The thing that enticed you the most was his perfectly set lips that pouted slightly, and you felt a yearning like no other to taste them.

So that's what you did.

You silently tipped your head slightly as Steven got closer and closer, but the door swings open and you jump away before realising that it was one of the cleaning ladies coming to pick up your wet clothes. You sighed and turned away, slightly frustrated at her timing but the second the door closed again, you felt yourself being pulled and you slumped against Steven’s surprisingly muscular frame.

His two fingers tilted your face up by your chin and he brought his lips to yours ever so gently, as if he was afraid to break you into tiny pieces. You both sighed into the kiss at the same time, causing a rumble of giggles to erupt from you. He pulled back and looked at you as if he was properly seeing you again for the first time, kissing your forehead and placing your hand above his heart as he pulled you in for a hug.

Reblogs are appreciated~~~

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villainsandvictimsalliance · 11 months ago

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Shan your Tomura posts are making me so sad and so angry at the same time 😭😭😭

Thinking about all the ways and all the times he could have been saved! All the what ifs and all the should haves! 😭😭

"What if his dad came to his senses and was more understanding with him?" "What if someone took his hand or called for help?" "What if he was in that hospital with Touya and upon Touya's escape he took Tomura?" "What if someone with a good heart saw Tomura with all those hands walking around at night and thought 'this isn't right, let me call someone and report' "? "Toshinori should have listened to his heart both times instead of following Gran Torino's advice" "Gran Torino should have kept an eye on Nana's son from a distance" and so on and so on 😭😭

Truly tragic ... 😭

The most important thing to take away from Tenko's story is that AFO probably prevented people from helping Tenko, from also the culture of the Hero Society had a lot to do with it too.

It's been stated multiple times in bnha that heroes can't save everyone and can't be everywhere at once. There's a part of bnha where Deku asks All Might if he has ever failed to save someone and All Might explains that not one, but hundreds of times he couldn't be there to save people. Heroes are only people after all. They have limits. Even if the law makes them look all invincible, well, fear is what powers the smile behind All Might, isn't it?

Fear because you're putting your life on the line.

Fear because you're not invulnerable.

Even the strongest man alive is only a man.

The thesis of the bnha spin off Vigilantes is just that. The law has a limit and it restrains what a pro-hero can do. A power-enhanced society like bnha is full of dangers you can't control, because accidents and common malice can get serious in a blink. There is a gap for evil. You can't close it.

Actually, the only way to control that little breach is through daily decency. To help your neighbor, to be kind, to pay attention to what others need and how can you make the world a better place. It can sound cheesy, but that's exactly how bnha started

Didn't Deku go to save Bakugo as a common citizen? Now, Bakugo is the one who killed AFO. We're saying that if Deku hadn't helped Bakugo that day, the world could be completely doomed.

Big heroic acts count A LOT. I'm not convincing anyone otherwise. It's just that a million little acts of goodness are more important to keep everyone safe than trusting an army in a war.

AFO gave Tenko probably a bit more than half a day to wander around. Tenko killed the Shimuras at dusk, we saw him walking after the tragedy in plain daylight and I think AFO "found him" the afternoon of the same day.

In truth, he didn't wait a lot, did he?

That's because he couldn't risk someone actually reporting that a kid covered in blood was walking around with the stare of a thousand yards. AFO couldn't risk a pro-hero finding Tenko, could he? He needed enough time to convince Tomura that the world was an uncaring place full of apathy for kids like him. AFO manipulated the situation to make it way worse by using the flaws of the Hero Society. That's a fact.

The night the Shimuras died, Nao finally stood up for Tenko and gave Kotaro an ultimatum. We can't know if things could have been better. They died before anything could change.

We have no evidence of Tomura even contacting any of the other kids that AFO manipulated. It's safe to assume he kept Tomura isolated from the world. That means that no one could ever show him any kindness. AFO was not allowing Tomura any chance to escape, not like Touya for example.

AFO probably got some cops on his side when it came to reporting the Shimura incident.

Grand Torino recognized to himself during the War arc that maybe the decision Nana and him took was not the right one. They shouldn't have abandoned Kotaro like that.

My whole point is that yes, society failed Tomura, but AFO wouldn't give them a chance to make up for their mistakes. The only reason why Deku is able to help Tomura now is because AFO is dead.

Not doomed by the narrative, doomed by AFO.

If only AFO hadn't had such insane control over Tomura's life, maybe he could have been saved or at least escaped like Touya did 😭😭 but that man was a pro at ruining children's lives and making sure no one could ever make it better for them 😭

#shan's asks #bnha #mha #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #league of villains #lov #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #shigaraki tomura #tenko Shimura #afo #all for one

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artsninspo · 1 year ago

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Hi! Do you write for Modie? Can you do one where she is with the mandem and modie is her bf and she sees him for the first time after he broke out of jail. She is just like worrying about his scar and stuff and he‘s all soft. Just fluff. Thank you so much, love you🥰

“WHY SO SERIOUS?”

Author's Note: Hey, I don't typically write for Modie BUT since it's fall and Halloween is approaching I thought I’d do something fun with Modie. He gives me joker vibes (I mean it’s no coincidence they both had acid accidents), you know not easily understood, intimidating and a little off his rocker. This request is influenced by Joker and Harley Quinn - hope you enjoy the spin on this req. Sidenote* I don't plan to make this a habit LOL so please don’t be upset if your Modie req is never posted

Pairing: Modie X Reader

Word Count: 1.8K

Warnings: Mentions of murder & adult themes.

You finish a deep stretch letting out a sigh finishing your yoga for the day. Your thoughts are where they always are on Modie. Your muffin is locked up in a cage where he doesn't belong. Reaching for your phone you check your messages. Nude’s usually works to get his attention but he hasn't responded in hours. Groaning you head into the bathroom to shower and contemplate using one of the many dildos ready in your walk-in shower to take the edge off. You hope the pigs in the prison haven't confiscated his phone again because that’ll mean more time in the hole. You reach for the cast Muffin had made for you personally only to withdraw. He doesn't like when you play without him.

He’ll know, he always does.

“Uhhhhhh” you groan showering without any fun. You were supposed to have a facetime date last night.

What if I did something wrong and this is my punishment?

You spend time lotioning your body in contemplation of your options trying to find a cause for the silence. Muffin said no tv or internet today so your options are limited, and you're in no mood to play on your switch. Muffin’s crew is having a party tonight, Layton told you. It's your best bet at staying in the loop so you decide on that. You hide your sadness with your makeup and freshly flat iron your half blonde and half black fringe, putting wavy curls in the rest of your hair. You put on a gloss and admire your full pout pretending Muffin was appling it for you. Then you put in your silver grillz he bought for your last birthday to match his. You smile sweetly at the memory of him smiling back at you in approval of the look, his hand under your chin before placing a soft kiss on your lips. What you wouldn't do to be back in that moment again, with him free, with you, when nothing else mattered. You step into your leather boots after getting on a one piece long sleeve unitard in all black. Your ensemble matches your mood.

The journey to the fields is only a few songs long and you arrive at a full car park.

“Y/N” you're greeted a few times before heading into the yard. You push the door in and Layton stands at attention like you’ve done something wrong. There's no music, no scent of liquor or weed and definitely not the overflow of women these lot are used to.

“Ahhhh” you hear a groan.

You look at Layton knowing he knows better than to conduct business where the mandem call home and he uses his body to keep you out of the flat.

“Move!” you snap before shoving him back. You enter the living room and see the rest of the crew. Kit, Jamie and Si look least happy to see you as usual.

“Can I get you something?” Saf stands.

“I’m alright, thought this was a party” you look around and see the party was set up but nothings been touched.

“Nah, we're heading to another spot” Saf smiles.

“Has anyone heard from Modie? He hasn’t responded to my messages in hours” you ask. Each and every one of them look uneasy like they're keeping something from you.

“He had to get rid of his phone, spoke to him earlier today” Layton says puzzling you. “Then you lot must be fucking up if he used his call to speak to you and not me?” you snap, growing angry.

“Y/N, I swear” Layton stammers as you frown.

“Nah, nothing like that, we have good news for Modie - not bad” Jamie says. “Lets go to this party, yeah?” He stands, forcing a smile. Layton’s a loyal dog but Jamie’s always been smart first.

“I’m riding with you” you declare, watching him closely. Jamie’s afraid of you and you know it. He thinks you're crazy and unstable, he’s not wrong. Jamie's kryptonite is women and children, falling into the former category you have little to worry about. He gets the passenger door for you before getting in himself. He starts the car always observant before pulling out of the spot.

“Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, what are you hiding from me?” you smile excited to play.

“Nothing” he lies.

“How convincing” you giggle. “You're usually much better, what are you on edge about?” you ask, leaning closer.

“Modie wouldn't want you to worry,” he says.

“Modie doesn't need your head all fuzzy, he needs you sharp” you smile and Jamie looks at you uneasily. Your smile grows as your assessment is correct. Jamie’s always shown you the utmost respect even when you've pushed quite far. He's never flirted or been suggestive and always shut down his peers when they were a little too close to the line. Any man with that much discipline and awareness is dangerous. “Don’t worry James, I like you. Relax, unclench - woosah” you taunt before giggling.

“Are you good for money?” Jamie asks.

“Yes Mister So Serious” you mock making a face. Jamie shakes his head in disapproval. “You’re such a stiff, now wonder you and Mo are friends - opposites attract” you smile sweetly.

“You are not his opposite” Jamie mutters and you applaud his wit laughing.

“See, that was a good one. I only get upset when they aren't fair or respectful” you warn.

“Throwing knives is a fair way to address disrespect?” he asks.

“One day you'll find your person and if someone goes mad at them, I bet you do much worse” you pat his shoulder.

“Modie broke out” Jamie says, wiping the smile off your face as he parks. “He had an accident he doesn't want you to worry about.” Jamie sighs as he parks. “He’s in there now, so do yourself up and act surprised” Jamie says once you've picked your jaw up off the floor. Your eyes hold his happy tears well. Your cheeks burn and you sniffle to keep your nose from running as you pull down the visor to get at the mirror. You curse for not wearing a better bra and re-adjust your tits before turning to Jamie.

“How do I look?” you ask him but he’s looking away as usual. “For fuck sake Jamie look!” you whine when he looks away.

“Bra strap is showing, gloss on your teeth” he says motioning to both before surveying you some more. “Some of the blonde is in the black bit” he says pointing to your hair, looking in the visor you fix it quickly. You look at him with big eyes in need of approval.

“Perfect” he nods. “Relax, unclench, woosah” he mocks and you snicker.

“I like you Jamie” you smile as you get out of the car. You head in the venue. The music is loud and you look around. There’s no time to take heed of the song playing as you look around. Layton motions for you to follow him you do with the rest of them to a secondary party drinks are flowing and there are more familiar faces. Phones are taken and shit off at the door. You grab a drink to calm your nerves and look around the party as the lights go so low it's hard to see at all. You feel a body against yours before your arms pull you in tight.

“Looking for me?” his voice asks, making your heart race, turning around and hugging him so tight. “What did I tell you about sending me naughty pics without warning?” he asks, placing kisses on your neck.

“But I missed you and I wanted to feel pretty and sexy,” you confess, pulling away to try and see him. It's impossible.

“It’s inconsiderate to send a man that kind of material when he’s sharing a cell” he tells you.

“Sorry, Muffin” you apologise and he chuckles running his hands through your hair. “Sorry” you apologise again when you realise you’ve used his pet name amongst his peers.

“Music's loud, it's okay Sweets” he says and you kiss him again. Your heart is racing as he holds you. You go to touch his face but he holds your hand. Uneasiness fills you. Jamie's words replay and you take Muffin’s hand following the lights on the floor into a private room.

He’s been maimed.

“Is who did this to you still alive?” you snap, trembling. Modie tries to withhold his amusement.

“For now” he nods as your temper flares. You hug him again relieved to have him home and he hugs back relaxing.

“I missed you, Sweets,” he says, rocking you side to side. He takes your chin. “Smile” he says and you show him you have your grills in. His smile grows wider and he hugs you again.

“We can drive to Spain and I can find you a good doctor, you can heal and rest and we’ll be alright” you say, devising a plan.

“Shhhhh” he says, holding your face in his hands. You look at the mangled skin and the blue hued cloudy eye. You don't look away and this time when you go to touch that side of his face he doesn't withdraw,allowing the intimate gesture. You smile when he takes your hand kissing your palm.

“What?” he asks.

“I don't know,” you shrug. “I just think it's really sexy,” you confess. “But, when I find out who did it, I'll kill them,” you added, smiling sweetly.

“I’m free now, we can have our fun” he says leaning in for another kiss and palming your ass.

“You promise you're alright?” you ask, looking him over.

“I have my girl and I have someone’s life to ruin - I’m perfect” he smiles and Layton knocks entering slowly with his head down.

“Boss, the mandem wants to toast” he says, you watch Modie’s persona change as he steps out among his peers, the leader of the pack. He keeps his eyes on you looking your way as he socialises and tells the animated tale of his escape. You sip your liquor thinking of all the ways you’re going to reunite later on. It takes you twenty minutes to slowly make your way to Jamie for answers.

“I know you know who did that to Modie” you say loud enough for him to hear.

“It’s for him to say” he responds.

“I thought we were friends” you pout.

“Only because you are more dangerous than him.” he says.

“Shhhhh” you tell Jamie. “Tell me” you mouth.

“Sully, Summerhouse Sully '' Jamie says but the name doest ring any bells. He must be a ghost, someone from the past trying to settle unfinished business.

Now he’ll be a corpse.

“Thanks, James” you smile heading back to Modie, the crowd parts for you like the red sea and you sit on your muffins lap making all the chatter and flattery stop. It's like it's just the two of you in the club, you drink and dance for him and laugh together, he tells jokes and tickles you and holds you and your heart is full because you have your man back.

...

I had a lot of fun writing this one, depending on how this does I may do a part two. No smut, just mentions of it with a little revenge and more lunacy. Maybe a halloween party idk. Chime in in the comment section.

#masterlist #modie #modie topboy #topboy imagine #topboy fanfic #topboynetflix #santan dave

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nach0 · 1 year ago

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MCYT Yuri Week; Day Five - Rarepair

"In the heart of the Evermoore."

Wordcount: 1360

AO3 Link

Shelby has been learning from the absolutely gorgeous ghost of a wizard long passed ever since she moved to the Evermoore. But the fog is shifting and changing, and the ghosts are growing darker with it.

Will she be able to resist the temptation laid out before her?

Most of the Evermoore’s ghosts were shades, echoes of who they may have once been, barely able to interact with the world beyond the bodies Shelby created for them and only kept awake by her magic fueling the fog’s.

One ghost was different.

It had taken time for her to properly form, like the others, but she just… hadn’t faded afterwards. There were days where she was more substantial than others, and she was prone to vanishing if she got too upset, but she stayed as much as she could.

Gem, she’d introduced herself as, a sad kind of smile on her face when Shelby told her about the other of her name. She’d been lost in the fog for a very long time, (“Almost a thousand years,” she’d said with a quiet certainty,) Shelby’s dimensional magic pulling her back to consciousness.

She was quiet about a lot of things. At first she’d tried to pass it off as lingering fog, then as just being a generally quiet person, but the undertone of melancholy was clear even to someone as socially awkward as Shelby.

Teaching, though, was where she really opened up.

Gem had taken one look at her book and scoffed, launching into an explanation that was far more passionate than any of her professors had ever been and somehow still understandable.

It wasn’t when Shelby had fallen for her. That said, it certainly hadn’t hurt.

No, the sparks of feelings had come the first full moon after Gem’s appearance, when she’d realised the surge of magic made her tangible, made her real, even if just for a night. She’d laughed and dragged Shelby out to dance under the stars, twirling and spinning as the weak remnants of her magic floated an ancient song through the air.

After that it became almost impossible to deny the crush quickly spiralling into something out of control, a full blown attraction before she could stamp it out. Gem, blessedly, didn’t comment on it.

(The thought crossed her mind that Gem actually hadn’t noticed, but she brushed that aside. Her teacher had gone on many long tangents about the social etiquettes of her time and seemed to be a master of them. There was no way she was oblivious.)

And so they learned to coexist. Gem would spend her days filling in the gaps her professors had left, (though more than one day was lost to complaining about the state of the academy. It all seemed very personal to her for reasons Shelby hadn’t quite figured out yet,) and their nights most often found them cuddling, soaking in as much contact as they could before Gem went intangible again.

It was hard to work around each other, at first. Shelby was prone to accidents and often dropped potion vials, something that scared Gem so deeply that she often didn’t show up for hours or days again afterwards. Many of Gem’s mannerisms reminded Shelby uncomfortably of her stricter professors, clicking her tongue and pacing with barely concealed frustration when faced with a difficult task. They found a balance eventually, after far too many miscommunications and arguments, and were better off for it.

So naturally, something had to give.

It started with the whispers. The fog growing bolder, calling to her with promises of power and respect. Gem had been nervous, almost scared.

Then her eyes had turned blue.

But it was nothing to be worried about. She would just keep focusing on her work, ignore the encroaching fog, and it would sort itself out.

It was not, in fact, sorting itself out.

Sculk was beginning to creep out of every crevice, climbing higher and higher until it was well past the deepslate it was usually confined to. There was only so long she could pretend the ground squishing in the mangrove was just mud.

Shelby had brought up her concerns to Gem the first time she’d found sculk clinging to her, but the wizard had seemed… uncharacteristically relaxed about the whole thing.

“It’s just part of nature. Corruption has risen and fallen before, and this isn’t hurting anyone. Not like last time.”

Any further questions were met with a knowing smirk, growing wider by the day.

They still had a routine though, one Shelby could find some small comfort in. No matter what, full moons would be spent curled together on her couch, reading until they fell asleep and had to deal with back pains in the morning. (She did, at least. Gem got out of the side effects due to things like ‘having no actual body’ and ‘being literally dead, Shrub.’)

But when she started pulling blankets together-

“I have a different plan in mind.”

Shelby glanced at Gem, only pausing for a moment before continuing to move bedding. “What, did you want to go upstairs instead? I’m not sure if my bed’s big enough for the two of us unless we squeeze.”

“There’s something I want to show you instead. In the heart of the Evermoore.”

Gem didn’t wait for an answer before turning for the door, trusting in Shelby’s curiosity winning out to follow her.

The emotion that spurred her to move was closer to concern.

While they could be spontaneous at times, Shelby more than Gem, they were both creatures of habit. You had to be to practise magic, it was as much routine as it was raw power and emotion. And yet here she was, walking straight into the fog with no care for the dangers it presented.

Of course she followed.

Deeper and deeper they went, the night growing ever darker despite the moon shining bright overhead, but no mobs seemed to bother them. The soft blue glow of the sculk lit their path, like stars fallen from the sky, oddly comforting despite the whispers that followed.

“Gem, slow down!”

Her pleas went unanswered as Gem strode with ease through the tangled mess of the mangrove. The roots seemed to clear from her path, leaving a clear trail in her wake. It was all the more concerning. The Evermoore was not one to change easily.

They stopped after what felt like hours of wading through mud and sculk. Shelby couldn’t identify whatever they were standing on other than the pure wrongness radiating from it. It felt of death, she realised, stronger than the subtle energy the ghosts put out.

In the centre of the clearing stood a single sculk catalyst.

“What are we doing here, Gem?” Shelby finally drew the courage to ask, glancing out of the corner of her eye to where she was standing.

Gem looked at her with something almost like pity.

“You’re becoming one with your empire. It’s what every ruler wants, isn’t it? And all you have to do-” she walked over, tapping the catalyst lightly, “-is activate this.”

“This- no.” Shelby took a step back. “Gem, I’m not going to kill someone. Just tell me what’s going on, properly, no riddles.”

Gem matched her step. Then took another. She backed Shelby against a tree, pushing against her to keep her in place.

“Don’t you want to be closer to me?” She whispered into her ear. “I know you want me. You talk in your sleep, dear.”

The giggle she let out when Shelby blushed was so familiar, so her, that for a moment she almost let herself believe the words.

“Just give in. If you’re not with it, you’re against me. And I don’t really think you want me to leave you alone again, do you?”

Maybe she would have resisted more. Maybe she would have come up with a plan to escape, to fix Gem. Maybe she would have done nothing at all.

None of it mattered the moment Gem pressed their lips together, gentle but with all the passion of a raging thunderstorm. From her smirk as she pulled away, she knew she’d won.

The sound of a lute cut through the quiet of the fog. Shelby barely needed Gem’s prompting to jump forward with her scythe.

They laughed as the sculk crawled up them both, spinning and twirling in a sea of stars to the music of the night.

@mcyt-yuri-week

#mcytyuriweek2023 #geminitay #empires smp #shubbleyt #shelby grace #nach0 writing #my writing #writing #i would say this counts as rarepair considering there are No works for it in the ao3 tag #going to a con tomorrow! don't expect much from that fic since i'll prolly be tired

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dreamonseems · 2 years ago

Text

The man I am

Part 1

Joel Miller x Female Reader

Summary: Pre outbreak Joel and Tommy, move to a small town in Canada. After Joel's daughter Sarah dies from a tragic accident. Joel meets the reader and falls in love. She helps him move on from his grief. And he starts a new life with the reader.

Notes

◇ There is an age gap between the reader and Joel, the reader is 19 and Joel is 35.

◇ There will be an outbreak in this story but first I'll start pre-outbreak. Tess will also come in later in the story.

◇ HI, this is my first Joel fanfic. I feel like this will be bad, but I'm going to try to write this anyway. I had a dream about it so I kinda want to make it true lol. I'm also Canadian so that's why they are in Canada lol. But they will make their way back to the USA.

"Sarah, where are you?" I found myself back in my old house.

Sarah was giggling as she hid behind the curtains, and I could hear her tiny breaths as she tried to keep quiet.

"Are you here?" I asked looking behind the couch as I searched the room, pretending not to see her, but I knew exactly where she was hiding. Suddenly, Sarah jumped out from behind the curtains and yelled, "Boo!"

I jumped "Oh my you scared me!" I pretend to look terrified. "I'm sorry daddy!" She giggles. I laughed and scooped her up in my arms, spinning her around in the air. Her laughter filled the air I felt a deep sense of happiness and contentment. I had forgotten what it felt like to be so carefree and happy. I wanted the moment to last forever.

But then, everything starts to take a dark turn. Suddenly, there is blood everywhere I hear the sound of bullets whizzing past my head, and I knew I had to get my daughter to safety. But as I look down Sarah is laying in my arms dead. Her once happy eyes were full of life and were no longer. The emptiness was left in its place. I cry for help but there is no one just her and I.

"Joel."

"Joel?"

"Joel!"

I wake up in a cold sweat, my heart pounding in my chest.

"You ok there? you dozed off, you were mumbling in your sleep." Tommy says as he pulls the truck over.

"I'm... I'm... OK." I say turning my head toward my brother. I start to feel a deep sadness wash over me as I remembered that Sarah was gone.

"Well, we are here brother, ready to start new beginnings," Tommy announced as put pats my arm. "Yeah," I mumble as I look out the window. Wishing I could go back to that moment in my dream where I was playing with Sarah and stay there forever, but I knew that it was just a dream and that I had to face the reality of the world I was living in now.

I had lost everything that mattered to me. My daughter Sarah had been taken from me in a tragic accident, and I had been left with nothing but grief and guilt. I became a mass, a monster. All the darkness was melting off me. I didn't work, I didn't eat, I didn't sleep. All I did was drink, fight, and fuck to get all my aggression out. But one day I woke up and decided I couldn't take it anymore and it would be my last day on this unfair earth. That's what I thought at least but that plan didn't work out so here I am. Still alive in this small town in God knows where Canada.

Tommy met a girl, Maria. He thought it would be a good idea to move to where she was living and he took me with him. He said he had a good feeling that I would find something worth living for again. I can't trust that would happen I'm just buying time for when the time comes for me to try again to be with my daughter once more.

"You are here finally!" A woman's voice pulls me out of my thoughts. I see Maria run and jump in Tommy's arms.

"It was a long drive." Tommy laughs as he pulls back from the hug. Maria turns to me and extends her hand out for me to shake. "Joel it's finally nice to meet you in person." I shake her hand. "Likewise."

"Well let me show you guys your new home." She turns and smiles back at Tommy. We walk to this historic-looking building. Maria tells us her family owns the little apartment building it's been in her family for many years. "There are 10 complexes and everyone is very friendly and respectful. It's an amazing space for two people." She shows us around the home.

It was beautiful, with high ceilings and large windows that let in the sunlight. Two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a kitchen, and a living just enough space for the two of us. I could see Tommy was also amazed by the architecture and the history of the building.

"This is perfect trust me and Joel have lived in worse places." He says hugging her once more.

"Well, it's good for the time being after you meet my family and the house gets done being built I can steal you away." She kisses him.

And I take that as my cue to leave. "I'm going to take a look around town." I excuse myself to let them have some alone time. There is also a part of me that is stinging seeing them happy. As happy as I am for my brother I can't help but think back to my grief.

I walk out and I spot a dinner down the street I decided I could go for a cup of coffee. As I'm walking towards the dinner I feel myself accidentally bump into someone I quickly reach out to grab the much smaller person in front of me.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry I wasn't paying attention!" A female's voice rings out. "It's fine, are you ok are you hurt?" I ask as our eyes meet. "Not hurt I'm sorry again it was my fault I'm too clumsy." She says. But I could not focus. I feel like all the air left my body the minute I looked into her eyes. I was struck by her beauty and her warm smile.

Part 2

#fanfiction #fanfic #the last of us #joel miller #tommy miller #maria miller #joel miller x reader #joel x reader #sarah miller #joel x sarah #joel x you #joel x tess #the last of us show #pedro pascal #tess servopoulos #tess x joel

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altschmerzes · 1 year ago

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🌹 make me cry I dare you

CRACKS KNUCKLES I WILL TRY. this is very long and also the ending sequence of the next chapter (chapter seven) so out of courtesy for the length and also in case anyone wants to experience it organically ig it's under the cut. for wriggle up on dry land-

After Michelle and Henry are gone, Ted stays standing there on the sidewalk for a long time. It’s probably a long time, anyway. He’s not entirely sure because the same empty static feeling keeping him from walking back to his flat is also preventing him from taking such motions as checking his phone for the time. It’s drizzling and he should get going but instead he just keeps standing there, watching the spot at the turn in the road where he had last seen the cab’s taillights before it disappeared from view. Ted feels strange and distant and entirely too present in his body all at the same time. He feels like he doesn’t quite fit right in it, like it was made for someone else and he’d just ended up here by mistake, by some sort of accident, and no one knew how to put it to rights. The sound of his name gets Ted’s attention a few moments after it’s actually been said. He doesn’t even really know if it was just his name or if it was part of a larger sentence, nor does he have any idea who said it. At least it seems to have broken whatever spell of immobility had taken him over and he’s able to turn his head to look and see who it was. Jamie is standing there, a few feet away, hands tucked into his hoodie pockets and backpack slung over one shoulder. The sight of him, while usually welcome, is not what Ted was hoping to see just at this precise moment. His shoulders feel immediately tight, apprehension setting his teeth on edge. When he opens his mouth to speak, Ted holds up a hand. It’s buzzing like it’s fallen asleep, pins and needles prickling up and down his palm and his own voice sounds distant and strange when he interrupts whatever Jamie was about to say before he can get it out. “Whatever it is, Jamie, not tonight,” Ted says. It comes out clipped and stiff, at least as far as he can tell through what sounds like about twelve feet of water. “I can’t deal with your… Whatever you’ve gotta say, please save it this time.” Though his mouth still remains open like he’s about to, Jamie doesn’t say anything. He looks surprised and taken aback like that was the last thing he’d expected Ted to say. In the long and thick silence that hangs between them while neither of them say anything further, Ted begins to feel like he’s just made an awful mistake. Even so, he doesn’t know how to fix what has just slipped strangely sideways. He doesn’t even feel like he’s turned the right way up inside his own head. “I just wanted to see if you were alright,” is what Jamie eventually comes up with. He takes a step back, hand coming up to grip the strap of the backpack with a nervous, flexing grip. The look on his face has gone from stung surprise to guilty embarrassment. “You looked… sad. And I just. I wanted to- Sorry, though, see you ‘round.” And then he’s gone. Shannon is waiting down at the end of the street and Jamie turns and goes towards her, walking quickly with his head down. They turn together and leave in a different direction than Jamie goes when he’s going home, off where Ted is pretty sure that Shannon lives, and then he can’t see them anymore. Michelle and Henry are gone and now Jamie is gone too and Ted feels like he’s done something terrible. He feels like he’s done something terrible and maybe he’s done a lot of terrible things, things he can’t take back and doesn’t know how to recover from, so he walks back up to his flat alone with his static mind and his pins and needles hands. As he walks through the doorway, numbly dropping his keys in the bowl next to it with the thoughtless motion of rote automation, Ted’s thoughts are spinning. He walks to the couch and drops down onto it, thinking about Jamie’s wide startled eyes and saying goodbye to Michelle and the way that Henry had turned and waved out the back of the cab. In one sudden, sharp moment, Ted puts his head in his hands and sobs. It's a loud, shattering sound in the enormous and empty apartment. He doesn’t stop for a long time.

#gav gab #gav answers #anotherlongstoryshort #fic: wriggle up on dry land #writing liveblog #ask box games #this is literally so long im sorry lmao #also sorry for. its contents RIP

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whitelilynh · 2 years ago

Note

I don’t personally ship NejiHina, but I can see the appeal and I understand why it was the preferred pairing in Japan. I was wondering what you think of NejiTen? I personally hate it and don’t know why it’s so popular. People act like they were supposed to be canon, but I just don’t see it.

Hi!

I first want to start this answer by saying I respect every ship and everyone's right to ship whatever they like regardless of my personal taste. Nevertheless, I have my own opinion and if it's not positive towards some specific ship, please do understand that's MY view and opinion, and no one is forced to think or see the things the way I do.

Having say that, I personally dislike NejiTen. I would say I'm indifferent towards it, and I am most of the time, I mean, it doesn't upset me if I find occasionally some NejiTen art by accident while watching something else, and I don't find it a hideous ship. Furthermore, I personally have never had bad experiences with NejiTen shippers either, though I've known and/or seen some of them harassing my friends from NejiHina and other ships, and there is exactly where the "dislike" part starts. Because, indeed, the persons that I've seen doing such comments act as if NejiTen was canon, when it isn't, furthermore, there is, at least at my eyes, no evidence of any kind that even hints Neji's romantic interest on Tenten and viceversa.

Going to the content, Neji is only seen worrying and caring profoundly for Hinata (when it comes to women), no one else. If we add RLSD, his crush on her is totally accepted and obvious on that, but it's just a Spin-off.

When about Tenten, I'd say we see almost equal care and worry from her to both Neji and Lee, except, maybe for Lee's energetic (and problematic) nature, she tends to spend more time closer to him. And maybe because of Lee's life story, she also seems to be more observant of Lee's feelings than Neji's. Even when Neji died, her reaction was to console Lee, her thoughts went to Lee, she was worried because of Lee. I'm not saying she didn't care for Neji or that she wasn't hurt, but her feelings for Lee on that moment (worry, sad, caring) were bigger than her mourning for Neji.

I think it is so popular because the fact that Neji and Hinata are cousins is taboo in many places around the world, although actually it is perfectly legal in more countries than those were it isn't, it was common practice amongst noble families both on West and East until not that long ago, still are many cousin marriages and the genetic/biological risk for the possible future children of such a couple isn't as big as we might believe. Is about double than non-related couples, but that equals 3-4%. That's about the same risk an "older" (35+) woman's baby would have. Anyway, the thing is since Hinata is by this Taboo "forbidden" for Neji, most people would try to pair him with the other woman he interacts with: Tenten. That is, the way I see it, the only reason to pair them. I don't even think they'd had an interesting dynamic and on the few content of them I've paid attention to, usually Neji's or Tenten's or both's personalities are changed so they fit and the ship becomes more interesting.

I think it takes from both of them to pair them together, it is nice to see Tenten as an independent woman who's life, for once, doesn't revolve around her crush on a boy.

And Neji seems a traditional tranquil man, if he wasn't so focused on and devoted to Hinata I don't think he would care about marrying or being on a couple. That's why I can't see him with anyone else but Hinata.

Sorry for the long answer, in the end as I say, everyone is free to ship what they like 🩷

#nejihina #neji hyuga #hinata hyuga #neji x hinata #hyugacest #ask #naruto #neji

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purplesurveys · 4 months ago

Text

1933

Do you ever get super bad buzzing in your ears? Only during situations that I come from somewhere that's super loud then I'm all of a sudden somewhere that's quiet.

Do you know anyone who has actually been in an alcohol or drug related crash? As far as I know, no. I'm reminded of an ugly crash we witnessed inside the neighborhood - it was a car that slammed right into a post, and it was a Sunday morning. There's a part of me that theorized 'alcohol-related' but we never did hear anything about the accident.

What is so wrong with cigarettes? They kill your insides, they make you look older, they stain your teeth, and the smell sticks to you.

Did you celebrate Fathers Day? We did but it was a little lowkey this year. Father's Day happened to be the day after we arrived back in Manila from Vietnam, and we were just so fucking tired. It wasn't even the day after – we literally landed in Manila at 4 AM on Father's Day.

In the morning we were up for like 2 hours to pick up the dogs from the doggie daycare we had them stay at + have lunch, but then we all went back to sleep the entire afternoon lol. Then that evening we went to church and ordered takeout from Chowking (my dad's favorite) to have at home. It was lowkey as the whole family needed it to be lowkey, hahaha.

Do you actually think you’re funny? I know I am around the right set of people. My humor doesn't make absolutely everyone else laugh, though.

Have you ever had a deep conversation with someone who was high on anything? No.

Do you ever wonder if there really is someone who can complement your personality well enough to stay together for the rest of your life? It does cross my mind sometimes, yes. But then I remember how my last relationship ended and how that can always happen again, and it becomes a lot easier to remember how I'm much better off alone.

Do you hate how being bisexual is like a trend? I never thought of it as one. People around here also don't treat it as such...if you're bi, you're just bi.

Have you ever gotten a professional massage? Just once before, but I hated how they made me strip down. I told them no, but they said it was a part of the package blahblah; and being non-confrontational, I went ahead and did it but I hated every bit of it and told myself I'd never do it again.

Do you have a good relationship with your first love? We do not talk.

What is something you’re currently nervous about? Work, and what possible tasks are out there waiting to pounce and give me my next anxiety attack. As has been going on for the last 4-5 weeks...

Do you have a popup blocker installed on your computer? Idk if it's the same thing but I have an ad blocker extension.

Do you feel like you have life figured out? I definitely do not feel that that's the case right now. I have my sights set on resigning, but have no particular next direction yet. I'm torn between wanting to use some time off to rest, and being pressured to hop to the next job. What I have going for me, I guess, is that I'm okay with either option – I'm leaving my fate to a theoretical spinning wheel and see where life takes me. And wherever it takes me, I at least know that I'm mentally capable of making the most out of it.

Have you ever used a laptop in a coffee shop? Yes. Sometimes my best work comes out in coffee shops.

What was the last worst feeling you felt? Apart from work which-is-technically-the-right-answer-but-I-don't-want-to-get-into-it – the second answer here is the VERY complicated feelings I have for Liam Payne. The man I grew up with and brought me years of happiness is very different from the man he transformed as in the years following One Direction. And yet, either way, the man is dead. There's so many nuances, so many layers to it that makes the grieving journey extremely complicated. It's hard to put into words.

I'm sad about a Human Being dying, and I'm sad about One Direction's cursed fate, and I am sad about the universe never giving Liam a chance. But I am remain angry with him for all the messy fuckery he said about the band that gave him a platform in the first place, and the messy fuckery he did to his exes. It's like, it's sad, but I also do not intend to let you off the hook.

Do you ever tend to over-analyse? Yes.

Do you know anyone that like, no matter WHAT, they’re always pissed off? I feel like work has influenced me to be like this some days, which makes me sad. I'm a shell of who I used to be.

How do you react when you’re pissed off? I take a few moments to breathe deeply and to address everything with calmness and kindness even though I'm already exploding from the inside.

What celebrity did your most current ex resemble? Gal Gadot in some angles.

What is something creepy that has happened to you (or someone you know) recently? A man knocking on my car window and speaking to me menacingly.

If you named your car or family car, what would you call it? I call her Mitsu, short for Mitsubishi hahaha.

What would you do if you were faced with an unplanned or unwanted pregnancy (at your current age)? Keep it and hope for the best with my parents.

What does it take for someone to earn your trust? They deliver on their promises/commitment/purpose. Surprisingly this is very hard to find in people. How hard is it to just...fulfill something you said you'd do?

Is there anything you should be worried about? Continued from anywhere between 5-7 days ago, I can't really remember. Yeah I'm a bit wary about job prospects given I'm considering resigning for good from my workplace. But until I don't have anything secured, I know that I need to keep being tied here. And I really hate that.

In any case, I've started giving myself the homework that I need to send applications to five openings every day. I've been able to keep at it so far, so only thing there's left to do is see where it takes me.

Are you dealing with any health-related problems right now? I'm pretty sure I'm consistently going through high blood pressure from work. Every weekday my chest feels consistently heavy/tight.

Do you think you should fight for love? It depends. Sometimes it's not worth fighting for.

Are you experiencing problems within a current relationship? No.

When you need a temporary escape, what do you do? I take these. Sometimes I'd go to a coffee shop and just alternate between people-watching and going through my phone for a change of scenery.

How long did your last feelings of heartbreak last? In contrast to the "until I die" duration I thought it would be, it actually just lasted 7 months, lol. I discovered BTS not too long after the breakup and I've since been able to move past it.

Do you ever go shopping with your parents (not including grocery shopping)? Yeah sometimes, when we go out on Sundays.

When the weather is chilly but humid, what kind of things do you tend to wear? Chilly but humid is a sensation completely unfamiliar to me because where I live you only get hot and humid, or more hot and more humid.

When you’re walking somewhere, do you bring an iPod to listen to? I haven't used an iPod in like 13 years, though all the music I listen to when outdoors is in my phone.

Have you ever had some kind of sleep-disorder before? How did it affect your daily life? No.

Have you ever had food poisoning before? Describe the experience: Yeah, a few times. Last time was about a month ago when I drank my coffee that I had actually made the night before. It didn't taste off, but apparently it started to go off already so I didn't know it would affect me until I threw up like four times in a row.

Have you ever read anything by Chuck Palahniuk? What did you think? No.

How do you tend to amuse yourself on long car journeys? It depends on the people I'm with. If it's with my family, I just come up with a bunch of questions to ask everyone in the car; that way everyone and myself are all entertained. Taking surveys has definitely helped me come up with questions, haha.

If it's with close friends, it's not that hard to find ways to amuse ourselves tbh because we never run out of stories and prompts to talk about. Sometimes we'll also sing together, if we find a playlist that we all love.

If it's with workmates or otherwise a bunch of strangers, I just put on my earphones to either listen to music or watch videos to drown everything and everyone out.

Do you find that caffeinated or alcoholic drinks make you pee more than normal? Not so much with coffee; but with alcohol, yes, only because I drink so much water when I have it. I'm constantly driving myself so I'm not supposed to get intoxicated whatsoever.

How often do you need to charge your phone and iPod (on average)? Tbh just overnight. I never get to use my phone a lot since I work from home the whole day anyway.

Do you still enjoy watching Disney movies? Yes. I just watched Toy Story 1 & 2 and The Emperor's New Groove a few weeks ago.

What are some interests you have in common with your parents? Mm with my mom, I guess we both like Miss Saigon? Well, she liked it first, but because she played it on cassette so much when I was younger I ended up taking an interest in it as well.

My dad and I both like sports to an extent, but he's into basketball and MMA and I'm into wrestling. We also have some sort of a relationship with food, given his career as a chef and me just being an adventurous eater.

How old were you when your parents trusted you to stay home alone all day? I was around 14 when they stopped getting house help.

How long do you like to date someone before you bring them home to meet your parents? Can't relate. I've dated one person and never formally introduced her because she's a girl and I didn't know how they would take it.

If you could go to one country for two weeks, all expenses paid, where would you go and why? I'd go back to Da Nang in Vietnam, so I can enjoy their slow-paced living again. It was my absolute favorite part of my trip there.

Do you drink more or less water than is recommended? I'd say less.

Do you like taking walks? I do. The problem is that this country is one of the Least Walking-Friendly Places Ever, and also, it's very hot. It sucks to walk when you're just collecting sweat the entire time.

Do you go on vacation with your family a lot? Where was the last place you went? We do it as much as we can, aka when my dad is home. Our last vacation was in Vietnam; we went to Saigon and Da Nang.

What do your parents think about piercings and tattoos? Do you agree with them? I know they're fine with tattoos because they have their own and because they never acted like it was the end of the world when my sister started getting a bunch of tattoos all over her arms. I'm not so sure about piercings, though. But sure, I like that they're nonchalant about it. My dad's mantra is your money/body, your choice and tbh that's the best it gets.

Which is the funniest name you’ve ever heard? There was actually a viral Reddit post literally just this week or was it two weeks ago? where there was someone defending themselves naming their child Nyxiryn, only to get absolutely destructed by the internet. The name is bad in itself, but it was the discussion that it made it so hilarious.

What are your religious beliefs? Are these the same as your parents’? I was born in a Roman Catholic family. I am quietly atheist.

Do you find it difficult to get to sleep early when you have to be up for something the next day? Yes, mainly because it sucks that I miss out on what's supposed to be my free time.

Unless I need to wake up early to line up for a concert or to get on a flight for a trip, in which I case I have had absolutely no trouble falling asleep early the night before hahaha.

Do you still enjoy coloring in coloring books? I love coloring.

Do you remember the Land Before Time movies? Who was your favorite character? I haven't seen them.

What’s your favorite genre of book to read? Memoirs. Self-written or otherwise.

Who has more influence over your taste in music - friends or family? All over the place, to be honest! Sometimes I'll discover new songs myself; sometimes it'd come from my sister; sometimes it'd come from internet recommendations...

When someone talks to you constantly, do you get fed up and easily irritated with them? I feel like this can't be answered with a straight yes or no. It really depends on the person. If I like them, I'd feel flattered and excited that they'd want to keep talking to me. On the other side of the spectrum, if it's an agent constantly messaging me to get insurance (because this does happen, lmao) obviously I'd get irritated.

Are you one of those people who texts back instantly? Yeah. I have my phone in hand constantly so it can't be helped.

Do you think going to college / university is the best option after you’ve left school? Here in the Philippines, it is. Education is valued very, very greatly here. It's also treated like a privilege here, sadly enough.

Is it easy to sleep late in your house, or are other people pretty noisy in the mornings? I have the worst neighbors who for some reason houses a billion fucking kids constantly screaming and crying 24/7. No, it's not easy to sleep in; I've woken up earlier than I'd want to on more than one occasion because of those brats.

Do you prefer watching movies alone or with other people? With other people.

What’s your favourite place to get pizza from? I've tried so many different pizza places all my life but I'm sorry, nothing for me beats good ol' fucking Pizza Hut LOL

Do you ever do something, and then wonder how many people are currently doing the same thing as you? Only like 9 out of 10 times.

When’s the last time the power went out in your house? Couple of months back during Typhoon Carina. Fortunately we didn't have it as bad as many other cities; power just flicked off and on, then off and on before it came back on for good.

Is there a laundry basket in your room? If yes, what color is it? It's in the bathroom, not in my room. It's brown.

Do you like those different flavored Tootsie Rolls? Idk, I've never had a Tootsie Roll I feel like.

Do you keep your shoes on a shoe rack, or just throw them somewhere? Yeah we have two shoe racks.

Think of the last verbal argument you were in; what caused it? Been a while since I've gotten in one.

Does your refrigerator have one door or two? Two. Left is freezer, right is the fridge.

Do you smoosh bugs, or just let ‘em go? Unless they're flying around me or on my skin, I let them go.

Do you know anyone who collects stamps? Nope.

What was the last thing you deleted off of your computer? On my work computer, it was all the files from 2023.

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