#there was a song sadder than the one from the titanic movie playing during this scene. what the actual f-ck was this

[braceletofteeth]

— Why does he go so far for someone like that?

— I'm sure he sees things different than we do.

[canisaysomethingg]

march 3, 2020

You know… I don’t know why I’m writing this. All I know is that I am probably sad whenever I decide to write. I guess being sad pushes me to write. It’s not that I have no friends to tell my thoughts and woes, but, it’s raining… and raining sets me in the mood to write rather than saying words or sharing thoughts that will only exist momentarily---I hate temporary. This reminds me of the conversation the last week where I told my friend hat I am not afraid of dying. What I am afraid of is the idea of dying, living momentarily, and people forgetting about you. I forgot how she responded, all I remember is she told me that it was 2am and what I am having are midnight thoughts. I want to tell him that she is wrong you know…I think of this stuff even at 2pm or 8am. I am twenty-four years old, and people will say that I am too young to be worrying about death. I mean twenty-five is not the age to stress out about dying meaningfully because I am just starting with my life. I don’t know, it’s just that I remember when I was fourteen and I am listening to this Taylor Swift song—I remember how convinced I was that I would  also have touched people’s hearts by the time I reached her age. You know, I love being fourteen--- being young, dreaming big, believing in fairytales, thinking that everything will work out if you just set your heart into it. I love how motivated I was back then, hence, I love seeing children; playing with them makes me believe that I am one. I want to get married because I love watching wedding videos and hearing their vows and seeing people being so in love. You see, I do not believe in magic, but seeing two people so in love is kind of magical I guess. 

   I am twenty-four you know--- this is one of those ages where most people expect that you should know what you are doing with your life already. But I am twenty-four, and I have the same dream when I was ten where I want to live in Japan and attend school wearing their cute skirts, have cute bangs, high socks, and navy blazers. This has been my childhood dream. I remember my classmates at law school during our first day where most of them said that being a lawyer was their childhood dream. I do remember lying and saying that being a lawyer was also my childhood dream because this sounds way better than admitting that I want to be an anime character for the longest time. I will certainly sound dumb if I’ve been honest--- you see, most people believe that I am joking all the time, and it is alright. It’s not that I am complaining because everything we do is our choice... it is wrong to blame people for the choices we make. But most of the time, I regret having an outgoing-funny-type of image. It must feel good to be taken seriously. It’s not that I am complaining or anything, because I can make more people happy by not being honest, you know by being a ray of sunshine when in fact I love the rain and the dim sky so much. Hmm, you know, deep in my heart, I know that I am studying law not because I want to be a lawyer, well sometimes I do but most of the time I don’t--- because  I realize that there is no such thing as equality and justice, it is too ideal like my other friend said. Doing things you don’t believe will never feel right, that’s why it’s hard for me to give my best and I guess be a lawyer ---you know fighting for justice when you realize that such thing doesn’t exist anymore. Honestly, I am studying law to have a stable income and have money to travel the world, experience cultures, and see the Spring Festival. I want to wear their traditional costumes and eat takoyaki and play with octopus with the small net--- I don’t know, I just want to be an anime for once or a stargazer. I do not want to sound ungrateful, but these days, I feel that real world makes me tired… so so tired in fact I just want to spend my time literally by sleeping. Our world can be pretty tiring you know. The thought of reality sounds like a sleeping pill to me, I mean, just merely thinking about it makes me want to go to sleep for an eternity. Hmm… if reincarnation is real (and God knows how I want it to be real, be born again and have a shot at life once again)  most people know that I will turn out to be a caterpillar or worm because that is what I’ve been kept on telling them… but honestly, I want to be a butterfly. A blue butterfly because someone told me that blue is very rare in nature. But being a butterfly does not sound like me at all--- just look at them, they are so pretty, they look kind, and happy. If not a caterpillar, or butterfly, I want to be an anime character or a cherry blossom tree.  The kind of anime characters present in shoujo manga not the ones where there are titans or else I will not last an episode. Actually, I have this thought that anime characters also wants to be real people, be 3d lol  as they watch us from their two-dimensional world Hahaha---the same how much cherry blossom trees want to be  law students. I know it doesn’t make sense but you see, my point is you always dream of what you cannot have and people take for granted things that they have. You know, just a sudden thought, I always say hahaha even though I am not laughing or smiling. I don’t know, but it just adds color to the conversation. Well, I believe that most of us are guilty of doing this---saying hahaha and pretending to be happy hmm, I guess? Don’t get me wrong, I am actually happy with my life. I mean, I need to be happy because being sad with the things I have right now will make me ungrateful… and I do not want to sound ungrateful especially in front of the people that I love. I know I am blessed and I should not be sad but I cannot help it. You see, I hate myself most of the time and it makes me sadder because I know that most people also do--- you know… hate themselves. Some are just good in faking it. You see, I always smile, and most people believe that I do not get mad, but in fact I do… I realize that I do get mad---the thing is I just I do not want to disagree with people. I do not want fights or confrontations because I will probably agree with them rather than support my own principles---I can’t take the risk of losing them you know. You see, people tend to hate when they fail to understand---I don’t want people to hate me when they fail to understand me because I already hate myself. I am this kind of person, the person who tends to avoid arguments and doing this, kinda makes me appear kind--- but I don’t want to look kind. I don’t know, but in my experience, people will expect that you’ll be okay no matter what they do because you are kind… and I am not kind because I am never okay. You know, I just want people to look closely… and truly…and see me. It would feel nice to be seen for once. But you see, it makes me quite unfair to expect people to see me when I can’t even see myself. Still, it would be nice you know, to be seen, and be understood by people you care the most even without saying anything.

Hence, I believe that this thing is more powerful than love---for the key to love is genuine understanding. But again, I don’t know. I always talk about love like I’ve already decoded it knowing that I can’t even keep a relationship no matter how hard I try. You know, I love romantic movies with happy endings--- these two should always go hand in hand for stories are hanging if characters have not yet achieved good endings. A friend told me that he hates this type of movies because it set the standards high in love and it makes people expect reality to be like a movie. Despite everything he said, I still believe that romantic movies are great you know, as well as horror movies. I just love horror movies--- it makes me feel brave, and I love the feeling of being brave even just for a bit. You know, I think I’m weird sometimes because I am romantic and sweet but not to the people I care the most. The more comfortable I am to that person the more it’s difficult to say how much I miss them. Well, I guess most people do the same, that’s why we need to look closely. People will rather lie you know, than admit their feelings.  No matter how hard we deny---pride will always go along the way. That’s why I want people to look closely--- realize the tiniest detail and connect with someone the way we connect to our favorite anime opening song even though we don’t understand it. When I was young, I believe that as we grow old, we will be able to connect with people--- now I’m starting to realize that truly connecting with someone may only happen once or never. You know, genuine communication is somehow impossible. People are so good at pretending and keeping secrets that’s why I believe that the bravest people are the ones who are attempting to do the impossible--- chasing unrealistic things like genuine communication. I suddenly remember when my student asked me  why I don’t have a boyfriend yet and I ended up saying that I have never been in love, and how I will always tell them that I do not want to have a family and want to spend my life in the middle of the forest hanging out  with animals. But I know I’m lying because it’s sad to live in the middle of a forest alone you know, inside a cave, without talking to someone, and God knows how much I love talking--- keeping conversations. I lied to that student because you see, I have been in loved or i like to think that I did. Hmm, I don’t know why I’m sharing something so personal.  Maybe, I just want to be understood, and this is my attempt to forming connection. I guess? Goodnight.