#there is this constant underlying theme of 'working to get better' that i am quite fond of!

[lovethroughdelusions]

Fascinating! I figured Jewish people weren't big fans of his, but really wanted to understand the difference in perspectives on why they view him as not being the messiah. I figured that phrase wasn't exactly a compliment, but since, as you mentioned, it really is only used for two people historically I couldn't find further information on what it exactly meant beyond "we don't like you."

Thank you for the in depth answer! This will give me some more things to research into!

I've been enraptured with reading about the evolution of the Jewish religion and culture over time. I'm slowly working my way through "The Wars of the Jews" by Josephus. It is dense but very interesting, with many parallels to how to world still runs today as far as international issues and wars go.

Sorry for gushing 😅 I'm really glad I stumbled across your blog! It should give me quite a few places to continue my research both in sources and in topics. Thank you, again, for taking the time to answer my question. (I may have more for you later as I continue to delve....)

Hi! I've been doing reading on about how Judaism feels about Jesus and I keep coming across the phrase, "may his bones be ground into dust". I searched online and couldn't find anything except stuff about like. From dust you were made to dust you shall return and similar phrases. Are you familiar with the phrase?

(I did do a search on your blog to see if you answered this before, but Tumblr search is garbage 😅)

Thank you and have a great day ❤️

Yes, I am familiar with this phrase. It is a curse, similar to Yimakh Shemo ("May his name be erased," "May his name and memory be erased"), which is the strongest curse in Judaism. It is not a literal magical curse, more like an emphasis on how much we don't like you.

That phrase appears in reference to Jesus in Maimonides' letters to Yemenite Jews who were experiencing persecution at the hands of Shia Muslims, heresy, and apostacy over a man who was claiming to be the messiah. The man who was claiming to be the messiah had the goal of combining Islam and Judaism into one faith, with himself at the center, claiming that the Torah had foretold of his arrival. Maimonides, in these letters, reminded the Yemenite Jewish population of Jesus, stating:

The first one to have adopted this plan was Jesus the Nazarene, may his bones be ground to dust. 

And later, in another letter:

You know that the Christians falsely ascribe marvelous powers to Jesus the Nazarene, may his bones be ground to dust, such as the resurrection of the dead and other miracles. Even if we would grant them for the sake of argument, we should not be convinced by their reasoning that Jesus is the Messiah. For we can bring a thousand proofs or so from the Scripture that it is not so even from their point of view. Indeed, will anyone arrogate this rank to himself unless he wishes to make himself a laughing stock?

Jesus caused a lot of harm to the Jewish people, directly and indirectly. This curse is reserved in historical writings in reference to only him and Hadrian, a Roman emperor who banned circumcision, destroyed Jerusalem, established Aelia Capitolina on top of it, including a temple to Jupiter on top of the ruins of our Holy Temple, which ultimately lead to the Bar Kokhba revolt.

So yes, historically we are not big fans. Modern Jewish views regarding Jesus range anywhere from "He was just a dude" to "He has caused unforgivable damage to the Jewish people and apostate Jews are traitors." Each Jew will have their own stance.

[cursestothemoon]

I Won’t Say I’m In Love

i.

Fred Weasley x Fem!Slytherin!Reader

Read the summary here

Warnings: Language, suggestive themes

Word Count: 2569

SERIES MASTERLIST

MASTERLIST

(i found the picture on google, there is a name on it but other than that i am not sure who owns it. I do not.)

The leaves, newly fallen from the on coming of Autumn, crunched under the feet of hurrying students. Hogwarts had begun it’s new school year, witches and wizards were hurrying from boats and carts to get into the castle and catch up with friends. Just outside of the dining Hall was a sea of students, chattering with friends, everyone staying in clumps of like colors.

Gryffindors stayed with their own, as did Ravenclaws, Hufflepuffs were the ones to intermingle the most, having friends in almost every house. Then there was the house of Salazar Slytherin, a proud bunch, robes of green tightly knit together leaving no room for outsiders or stragglers, not that the other houses (excluding Hufflepuff) thought highly enough of the green and silver house to make friends.

Y/n L/n, a proud member of Slytherin stood proud with her friends and housemates. Her chin was held high, a playful smirk painted delicately on her features as she listened to Blaise Zabini give a recount of his summer holiday. Blaise had always been a nice boy, his mother was a beautiful woman who was familiar with the front page of many high end wizarding fashion magazines. Then there was Lily Webberforth, another pureblood from a family of wealth, she was in Y/n’s year and a cherished friend.

“Father said he’d be purchasing a new peacock for the manor, though he couldn’t decide between albino or not.” Draco informed.

Draco Malfoy had wormed his way into the group during second year, a good kid...when he wanted to be, but absolutely snotty otherwise.

“Y/n, how about you wear my jersey for the first game of the season?” Adrian Pucey asked, arm slinging around Y/n’s shoulders making her internally cringe.

She was never a fan of being touched and Adrian seemed to be all for it when it came to her. They were in the same year and he’d been trying to convince Y/n to make it official since third year. She preferred to play with him rather than commit to him. It was easier that way, being able to differentiate her feelings from an early age, she knew she didn't particularly like him, but they had a few good nights and now she can’t shake him. He had become rougher over the years, harsh and controlling with an affinity for blackmail.

“No my clothes are just fine, Pucey, thanks.” She shrugged off his arm as Lily snickered at the exchange, finding joy in giving Adrian a look that told him ‘better luck next time’.

Adrian, not the biggest fan of rejection then turned to Lily in hopes of getting a jealous rise out of Y/n.

“What about you, Lils? You’ll wear my jersey won’t you?”

Lily shook her head, “I’m on the team with you, clear why you're not in Ravenclaw isn't it?”

Y/n laughed at the comment and moved to stand next to Lily, away from Adrian. Luckily, he got the message, for now, and left to find Marcus Flint.

“Have you seen the twins yet?” Lily asked, leaning closer to Y/n to make sure she wasn't overheard.

The girl gave her a questioning look before asking, “Why would I go looking for them?”

“Their hair’s come in nice, looking a bit shabby last year, remember?”

“Yeah, they’ve finally cut it?”

Lily shook her head, her eyes glowing with excitement, “Even better, it’s grown out a bit longer. Real nice looking, George looks rather well I’d say.”

“I always figured you had a thing for him.” Y/n laughed.

“Oh please, you and I both know that you love how much attention Fred gives you.”

Y/n tried to respond, really she did, but she was both out of words and interrupted by Lily again.

“Look, here they come.” Her voice was quite as she nudged her head in the direction behind Y/n.

Y/n turned slowly, in no rush to give Fred Weasley the satisfaction of having him know they were talking about him. When she did finally meet his eyes she couldn’t help but agree with Lily, his hair had grown out quite handsomely and he seemed to have reached an impossible height, well over the six feet he towered at in the previous year.

“Ladies.” They greeted simultaneously, Fred eyeing Y/n as they neared.

She gave a silent nod to them as Lily vocally greeted them with a reserved, “Hey.”

“News is that the first match of the season has our houses against each other. Shame isn’t it, Poppet? You can’t cheer for me.” Fred asked, arms crossing in front of his chest and lips stretching to a smirk.

Anyone could tell Fred was proud of his large frame, as a beater he worked hard for his toned arms, and thick biceps but his height was a complete natural gift bestowed upon him by the gods and he wouldn’t waste their generosity.

Y/n snorted, “Oh yeah, makes me feel empty inside when I can’t cheer for you, Weasley.”

“I know, no need to tell me. I fill you right up don’t I?”

The comment made her sneer at him, but she was unable to say anything back as her house was called into the Great Hall for the beginning of the year feast. Fred watched her leave as George poked fun at his inability to charm his way into her heart with innuendos and sarcasm.

It annoyed Fred, it was common knowledge that you had been with a few guys, some people even going as far as giving Y/n an undeserved title for it. Unfortunately, common knowledge happened to be a common rumor made by people who disliked her. Fred didn’t know this however and her constant rejection made him wonder, what did all those other guys have that he didn't?

Y/n and Fred had a back and forth relationship, neither being afraid to throw jabs at the other with the underlying tone of flirtiness yet both of them knowing the line not to cross. Fred thought she was ethereal, the way she seemed to glow as she walked through the halls had him weak in the knees. Her voice was buttery and soft, a velvety quality that seemed to grasp onto each of his heartstrings. Fred was head over heels for her and he hated it so he used sarcasm and a condescending tone to combat his feelings. Over time this developed into a false belief that he really didn’t like her, she was cunning, sly, and so easy to hate when he couldn’t love her.

--

Lily and Y/n sat in potions class, potion already brewed and completed as they gossiped in hushed tones and watchful eyes.

“So, anything new with Weasley?”

Y/n didn’t need a first name to know who her friend was referring to and she groaned.

“No, and there never will be.”

A loud groan emitted from Lily’s lips, “When are you gonna stop lying to yourself? I can see right through you.”

“There is no chance, no way that I’d ever fall for him.”

“You’d never fall for him or you’d never let yourself?”

The following silence was just as good of an answer as any, and Lily gave her a smug looking knowing she had won the argument.

Class ended shortly after that exchange, Y/n and Lily now having a free period chose to hang out in the room with the goblet of fire, watching as people put their names in. It was only last night that Fred and George had voiced their complaints quite loudly at the age restriction and Y/n was excited to rub it in Fred’s face that she was of age. Of course she wasn’t going to put her name in the goblet, she had better things to worry about than some tournament.

Lily and Y/n entered the hall at seemingly the wrong time, seeing as Fred and George had run through the doors leaving the girls in their dust. The whoops and hollers from bystanders made Y/n roll her eyes much to Lily’s amusement.

“How can you not be annoyed by their arrogance?” Y/n asked incredulously.

Her friend shrugged, “They are amusing.”

Y/n ignored the comment as they neared the twins.

“It’s not going to work.” She sing-songed loud enough for them to hear as she walked by.

Fred and George heard the comment and made a b-line for her and Lily. Fred plopped down behind Y/n, his face turning to meet her eyes, George doing the same to Lily.

“You don’t think that, do you Lily?” George asked Lily with a feigned look of childlike innocence.

“Come on, Poppet, have a little faith in me.” Fred said, a sarcastic look of pleading falling over his features.

For extra effect Fred jutted out his bottom lip making Y/n laugh at his ridiculousness, and oh how he loved to have her attention to himself.

“It’s incredibly dimwitted.” Y/n answered.

Lily nodded, “See that there?” She pointed to a white line around the goblet as she continued, “it’s an age line. Dumbledore drew it himself -”

“Meaning something as pathetically dimwitted as an aging potion isn’t going to get past it.” Y/n finished.

Fred tsked as he shook his head, “That’s why it’s so brilliant.”

“Because it’s so pathetically dimwitted.”

The twins stood up abruptly and Y/n’s eyes followed Fred’s figure. The way his jaw flexed as he drank the potion and his hair flopped when he jumped down from the bench with George made Y/n lose grasp on her emotions for just a moment.

He was good looking, she couldn’t deny it. Fred Weasley seemed to be built by the gods, his hair burned as that of Ares’, and his face chiseled to the likeness of Apollo. But Y/n had been there and done that with pretty boys, all of them were the same and wouldn’t give in to another one. She refused to let herself fall for him, afraid of the repercussions of really loving him.

The fire let out an angry growl that brought Y/n’s mind back to that room and what was happening, with good timing too as she then watched George and Fred get thrown a few feet in the air and land away from the age line. They sprouted long grey beards and got into a tussle on the floor.

The sight made Y/n giggle before she quickly regained her composure and acted as unbothered as possible making Lily roll her eyes. It would’ve been a fairly enjoyable time, regardless of what Y/n would’ve told Fred, but Adrian Pucey walking into the hall made her shrink in her chair as she grimaced.

“Go, don’t think he’s seen you yet.” Lily whispered, eyes trained on the other Slytherin.

Y/n nodded and hugged the walls as she made her way to the door, hopefully, unseen. She celebrated too early, and her face fell as she heard the unmistakable tone just as she made it through the doors.

“Running away from me?” Adrian called, his smirk evident in his words.

She stopped, turning to look at him as she spoke, “Don’t be so surprised. You ought to have realized by now your company isn’t wanted.”

“Come on Y/n, give us a chance. You know you want to.” He said coming closer to her.

“Really, Adrian, I don’t.”

Adrian reached out to pull her under his arm and forced her to walk with him, the act making her tense up but he didn’t seem to mind. He leaned closer to her ear, his breath hitting her skin making her incredibly uncomfortable.

“You’re mine, you know that don’t you? And no fucking ginger is going to get in my way.” He growled.

“You’re disgusting.” She spat, eyes burning with the anger of Hephaestus’ greatest fire.

Adrian laughed as he leaned closer to Y/n’s ear making her give an uncomfortable shiver, “Careful, darling, your feelings are showing.”

--

“Miss me, poppet?”

Fred Weasley’s voice was chipper and cheery as he greeted Y/n in their first class of the day. He had just woken up and it showed, his red hair looked as though it was hastily brushed through with his own fingers and his eyes still a bit puffy. He looked positively endearing as he took a seat at his table with George, just behind Lily and Y/n.

“Ridiculously.” Y/n mumbled, not looking up from her Herbology book.

“We’re only a few weeks in, what could you possibly be studying for?” Fred asked as he leaned over his desk to catch a glimpse at what you were looking at.

You glanced at him momentarily before looking back at your book, “Just giving myself an idea of what to expect.”

“Not a bad idea.” George said, considering doing it himself.

Fred gave him a funny look before turning his attention back to the girl in front of him, chin resting on his hand propped up by his elbow on the desk. She wasn’t paying attention to him, instead focusing on the book in front of her. She was slightly to the side allowing Fred the perfect view of her face without giving her the satisfaction of knowing he was staring at her.

Y/n’s hair fell in gentle waves down to kiss the top of her hips, she had fring that framed the length of her face and parted in the middle that was incredibly voluminous. Her eyes were focused with intense determination as she read, face relaxed as she was completely absorbed in what she was doing. Fred noticed early on that she rarely laughed, a genuine, eye crinkling, giggle but instead always had a look of unbothered casualness. He couldn’t understand this, not in the slightest, seeing as he was sure he had smile lines forming already.

He wanted to know more about the ethereal Slytherin, he craved it with everything in his being. Something about her drew him in, held him in place and refused to let him go.

Deep in thought, Fred failed to notice her eyes now looking at him with a curious glint and her hand coming out to poke him with her index finger.

“Alright, Weasley?” Her eyebrows were furrowed and Fred shrugged off the bubbly feeling he got in his gut.

He smirked, “Aw, do you care about my well being? Georgie hold me I may swoon.”

George laughed and shook his head at his brother, Lily joining in on the laughs as she watched Y/n’s face contort to one of distaste.

“Oi, Freddie’s got himself a girlfriend.” Lee Jordan, a close friend of Fred and George’s called from his table on the other side of the greenhouse.

Fred gave a short chuckle, his defenses coming up instantaneously as he tried to ignore the burning of his cheeks. And maybe if he hadn’t been so keen on putting down any and all rumors of him having feelings for Y/n he would’ve noticed the shy smile that graced Y/n’s lips as she turned her face away from the boys.

But alas, he didn't, and instead opened his mouth to shout over to Lee.

“My standards aren't that low, mate. I’d just as soon shag a goblin, Godric knows they’d be less bothersome.”

Taglist

@freddieweasleyswife​  @anywherebuthere​ 

[sneakerdoodle]

I was going to release this as a long video essay but devices and software had conspired against me and eventually drained my patience, so here it is in the written form. My magnum opus. My 15 pages long analysis of the three Infinity Train seasons currently out. 

1. Introduction

So for starters, I watched Infinity Train way too late, only a few weeks before the release of Book 3. And it immediately gave me MANY many thoughts, head full... Needless to say, when the first 5 episodes of Book 3 were released I was HYPED. So hyped that, being on a vacation out in the countryside, with better connection only availble upon climbing a nearby hill, I made some. sacrifices. To get there after dark, when everyone else was sound asleep.

[id: two screenshots of separate discord messages by someone with a handle “fern”, one reading “ also i decided to not risk bothering people/dogs by opening the gate, so i jumped the swamp instead, except i didn’t actually cover it, my foot got stuck, i barely saved my shoe, and i need to do that again to get back bc i am locked out”, another reading “well” with a photo of a person’s legs covered in black dirst from feet to knees. end id]

And by the rules of friendly bullying, I am now destined to have that night haunt me forever. Naturally.

[id:discord chat search results for the word ”swamp” (38 results found), cropped so that a part of one message is readable, saying “... KNOW it was the SWAMP that embraced ME, not the other way around”, another (by someone with a handle “Fleur” saying “you already DID embrace a swamp”. end id]

[id: a message from the same person saying “he asks ‘how was your swamp’”. end id]

[id: a message from the same person saying “big words coming from mx. soggy feet” with an angry red overlay. end id]

And, well. The first two Books had left me with a sense of assuredness, the underlying motif of them appearing empowering and infinitely comforting, and I was excited to get another supporting pillar in season 3. Another story to turn to in time of need to remind me that I have the power to make my life a better one, that it is never too late to make something of where I am. And, well, it's not that Book 3 didn't continue the topic of personal choice and growth, but the story it told added... let's say, more weight to the idea of personal development. 

That is perhaps only natural: narratives need to grow, to develop, to take the themes explored in them further, deeper with every coil of the spiral. And a more, grave, exploration of them will only bring them closer to life. But in the aftermath of Book 3 I had to deal with a certain sense of powerlessness, not being able to fit it into a neat system, put it on a shelf in a shiny frame of witty analysis and call it a day. But, quite ironically, I believe that this exact feeling of unending change and death of comfort is the exact thing the show wants us to get comfortable with. And that's what I want to talk about here. Infinity Train's core narrative of an individual versus the wrold, individual versus change. The very concept of personhood, the relationship between the person and their environment and the way to approach it that is shown as perhaps the most productive. 

I’ll start with my Many Thoughts on the first two books to explain what I thought was the underlying message of both of them.

2. Book 1: The Perennial Child and the Unproducitve Protagonist Complex

Book 1 establishes the core elements of the narrative wonderfully, the writing is smooth, effortless, beautiful and takes you on a wonderul, deeply impactful and bittersweet emotional ride. We have Tulip, The Perennial Child herself, who has to renegotiate her relationship with the world, with life, change, and other people's power to bring said change. Tulip is also to learn true connection and make peace with its price.

The narrower narrative of a story centered around a divorce is a perfect gateway into a broader one, so let's explore the specifics of the foremer first. Tulip's mindset is the mindset of a child from a dysfunctional family. The notion of blame is very strong in her perception of the world. On one hand, she sufferes from a misplaced sense of responsibility for the way things are, as she admits in her conversation with One One. That is the most natural for someone who grew up in an unstable environment, with parents whose relationship was not harmonic and healthy.  A child caught in the middle of adults' anger and argumments internalizes that anger and those arguments as something having to do with them. And that's what we see Tulip go through, with her having to listen to her parents fight because of her needs. 

[id: a screenshot from Infinity Train Book 1 showing younger Tulip, a read-headed girl, sitting between her two parents upset as her father is telling something to her mother angrily. end id]

Tulip also has to step in as a caregiver to a suffering adult, tucking her dad in at night; the dialogue emphasizes that their usual roles are being reversed in that situation. Growing up in the middle of constant conflicts, having to provide care and comfort and stability to someone who was supposed to take care of her, had naturally resulted in a  deeply ingrained painful perception that Tulip is the one responsible for her environment, is the one to blame when it is “broken”, and is the one who should step up and fix it, make it right.

Then, on the other hand, there is the notion of blame Tulip puts on others, specifically her parents. Here, we see the same mindset but reversed: Tulip feels caught in the middle of their divorce and demands that they make it right, make it work, for her sake. She needs her family, she needs stability, she needs her parents to work out their schedules, she needs to get to the game design camp. And she is prone to seeing her parents as people who are cruelly destroying her life and her family for no apparent reason. 

I am not calling her entitled, of course; ideally, stability is exactly what parents need to provide their children with. That is their mission. And when they fail, it is more than natural for children to feel hurt and betrayed. In a way, they are. Tulip's agony over her parents' divorce is never mocked nor undermined in the show, either; it is shown with the deepest compassion. So this is not so much about calling her feeligns invalid, but about looking for ways to redefine the situation in a way that would help Tulip heal. The way out of her  agony seems to be to abandon the mindset that puts her at the center of her family life – and at the center of the world, in general. Things are not that simple; people have reasons for behaving the way that they do outside of how it affects her; and avoiding and rejecting that truth hurts her, first and foremost. Feeling like the center of the universe isn't so much selfish or arrogant or toxic; it's just painful, and Tulip needs to step out of it, for her own sake.

[id: screenshot from Infinity Train Book 1 showing the two adults from before, Tulip’s parents, with exaggerated demonic features, surrounded by flames. end id]

An important thing to discuss is that the notion of “blame” can only exist if there is indeed something wrong with the world. Let's go back to Tulip's defining conversation with One One, in which she gets to say some incredibly important words: “It's not your fault the car is this way.There isn't a fault, it just is.”. “No fault” can mean “no one to blame” as much as “there is actually nothing wrong with the world”. The words “It just is” carry this simple and raw reality check that forces us to accept the way things are, with no emotional withdrawal or avoidance of it. 

The world simply is the way it is, and even if the way it is hurts us, it doesn't mean that what hurts us is wrong. 

I would like to suggest that the Unfinished Car itself, the residents of which continue adapting to their unconventional reality and genuinely thriving in it through acceptance and flexibility, are here to emphasize that. We may not like the way things are, but that doesn't mean we should go looking for someone to blame and force to “fix” them, be out ourselves and others. We shouldn't ferociously attack what hurts us with wrenches, kicking and screaming and tyring to get it to Work Already. Sometimes the only thing we can do is to accept the reality of it, let go, and see what we ourselves can do to feel happy and content in the present circumstances.

Making peace with the way the world is, renouncing responsibility for it outside of her personal decisions, is exactly what Tulip gets to learn on the train. Being half-abducted by it during a time when Amelia has taken over and no one is there to give a nice welcoming message with specific instructions, Tulip is deeply distraught by the mysteries surrounding her, and infinitely frustrated by her seeming inability to 'logic' her way through the challenges. She boards the train as a girl whose main need is to create a semblance of control over her environment, through understanding it. 

[id: two shots of Tulip’s sketchbook where she is tryng to figure out train’s puzzles. end id]

She is at the center of the universe, she is responsible for the way things are, and it is up to her to figure them out.

That is a lone, individualistic journey of a single person who only wants to deal with their own life, their own problems, and Tulip does not welcome any companions at the beginnig of it. It makes sense for her to seek solitude: she feels overwhelmingly responsible for her own little personal world, just how unbearable would it be to let it merge with other people's lives, for her to suddenly be at fault when those she cares about are hurt? Not to mention that new people are new unknowns, new factors that can make her life harder, more confusing and painful. For a person stuck in her desperate desire for control, it makes a lot of sense to prefer to deal with her problems on her own and expect others to do the same.

Meeting One One, who is the first to care, and Atticus, who is there to dispense his pearls of wisdom about the resources we find in each other, the value of friendship and its ultimate worth in the face of responsibility and risk of loss that comes with it, is what helps Tulip find comfort and humility in her relationship with others. She is simply one of the many people influencing each other's lives; she is not at the center, not at fault for the pain that comes to others, even if they were hurt through their association with her; it was their chocie to lend her a hand or a paw, and they had the right to make that choice.

Similar humility of being just one of the many is found in Tulip's relationship with the world at large, too, shown through her relationship with the train. First, she is frustrated and impatient, trying to figure out the most rational logical way to proceed in her attempts to control what happens to her next. Then, as she finds joy and connection, things become easier, she finds a rhythm that works for her, as seen at the start of “The Ball Pit Car”. And then soon after that, in swoops Amelia, ready to wreck havoc and quench Tulip's progress by trying to kill one of her friends and turning the other into a monster, and pinning it all on her. 

Losing Atticus is far too big of a blow, and so Tulip gives up her lessons and falls into fatalism, feeling like she has no control over her fate, like she will never be allowed to make it off the train.

But the core component of Tulip's character is her ability to “bounce back”. She loses her progress quite tangibly, with the number going up – and yet reverses that development rapidly, when she gives it all another try and subsequently learns the truth about Amelia. Finding out that the current self-appointed conductor who has been terrorizing cars and threatening Tulip and her friends is just a person, Tulip asks a very important quesiton: “What's stopping me from doing what she did?”. She stops interpreting her surroundings as alien, hostile and created to act against her, in weird incomprehensible ways that seem to be mocking her attempts to find a shred of logic to them. Instead, she takes full control of her own actions and starts using her environment to her own benefits, much like Amelia did. But Tulip takes it a step further and approaches it in a healthier fashion. Where Amelia is desperately trying to make the world do her bidding, Tulip states a simple objecitve: help her friend, - and looks at her options.

Tulip steps into her power when she realizes her choices and actions matter and have full weight. That restores her faith into being able to help Atticus. She cannot control her surroundings fully, she cannot control how other people behave, and trying to make herself responsible for it is unfair to herself and others and hurts everyone. She can, however, make her own choices and use her own skills to strive to perserve what is important to her.

Once again, that mindset is directily opposed to Amelia's. In Book 1, Amelia is stuck in the constant attempts to recreate her life, to change the world around her, to bend her environment to her will instead of growing internally, accepting the change and adapting to it, taking responsibility for her own feelings and not for what surrounds her. The key motivation in the prison she has created for herself is grief. Unwilling to let go of the world she once shared with someone she loved, not wanting to accept the passing of something that was incredibly important to her, Amelia stagnates, rejects the thought of progress, of healing, of moving on. To start to get over such a loss is to create distance between yourself and what you are mourning. When you move on, you leave it futher and furher behind with each step. And so Amelia decides to stay exactly where she is: in the depth of soul-shattering suffering. Symbolically, she never even leaves the pod she was delivered to the train in, stays at the very beginning of her recovery journey, turns her pain into her armor until forcefully broken out of it by Tulip. 

The two characters are perfect for each other as counterforces; even more so, the very environment that Amelia has created, the one that frustrates Tulip with all the unanswered questions and mysteries, is the exact one that would motivate this girl to grow. This is something to keep in mind when approaching Infinity Train's narrative: Amelia is a perfect antognist to Tulip, and it is through encountering her that Tulip grows. Amelia's mistakes result in Tulip's progress.

A key moment in the two characters' confrontation is Amelia's offer to give Tulip a car of her own, where her and her family can be pitcture-perfect and happy in the exact way Tulip wants them to be. By that point in the narrative Tulip has already had to face the truth of her family situation, the reality of it, it not being anyone's fault nor her parents' whim, sad things simply just happening for reasons outside of anyone's control. And with Amelia's offer, she has to come painfully close to the truth that she has just started making peace with once again. She has to really internalize the fact that her real parents were not happy together, and wouldn't be happy in this simulated reality; and if they were, they would not truly be the people she knows. 

Tulip acknowledges the painful and beautiful truth of life: if you want to be surrounded by real people you can love, people that can love you, you need to give them the freedom to live their lives, freedom to hurt you, to walk away, to change the life you share, to have their own personal feelings that might be different from the ones you wish they had. They need to have freedom to make choices. It is scary, and it hurts, but that is the only way to have something real. While Amelia is obsessed with molding her environment in the image of her perfect life, and failing miserably, Tulip realizes that to reunite with her parents she needs to accept that, as long as they are in her life, things can change between them; and that is okay. That is the only way love can exist. With the risk of loss and pain, not any less worth it for that.

At the end of her journey, Tulip has learned the nature and price of connection, and her place in the complicated, irrational, incomprehensible world. She gets to accept that things don't need a reason for happening, that there is not always someone to blame and demand reparations from. She gets to accept that she is just one person -  but that realization gives her so much personal power. As just one person, she is free from the weight of the world she used to carry on her shoulders; as just one person, she has the full scope of her personal skills and power to protect herself and those she loves, to change with the world and adapt to it, once she starts treating it as a friend and engaging with it on its own terms. At the end of her arc, she truly gets to say that she is ready for everything: she learns a whole new way to approach life that makes handling change much less painful.

She is a protagonist that gives up the protagonist complex, telling her she is the central point of the larger narrative. And through that, she finds peace and flexibility.

What is fascinating is that the narrative itself then supports that idea by removing Tulip from the center of the show. In the next book we follow the arc of Lake, my beautiful perfect child. And with it being centered around the idea of Lake's personhood and them transcending the role of a denizen, that decision could not have been any more metatextually perfect.

3. Book 2: Cracked Reflection and the Relationship between Personhood and Connection

In the first season, Lake is a side character that appears for just one episode, contributes to the protagonist's journey and is then gone. But as the story shifts and focuses on them, we see their struggle as they try to break out of the role of a 'supporting character' and prove their completion and worth outside of their contribution to someone else's story. Their intial place in the narrative and their initial position within their own story echo each other beautifully, and this is the exact kind of writing excellency that has me absolutely hooked. Thank you Infinity Train.

Quite interestingly, the idea of personhood is explored in relation to the theme of connection. Lake shares their journey with Jesse, and the two character arcs mirror each other, dealing with the relationship between personal freedom and external bonds. 

Lake and Jesse operate under the same false pretense that to connect to people means to be what they want you to be, that in order to have friends you have to sacrifice who you are, what you want. They approach this false predicament from the opposite ends: Lake by avoiding any connection altogether and Jesse by readily caving in to peer pressure, adult pressure, just... general imposion of everyone else's expectations, because he suffers from the compulsive need to be liked and accepted. Lake refuses to fit in and is left to deal with their horrifying situation alone, Jesse hurts himself and those he loves in order to fit in.

It's very interesting how the narrative connects reflectiveness to connection. 'Empathy Goes', the song about friendship that Jesse sings, starts with lines “When I look at you, I see me” – words that take on a quite literal uncomfortable meaning for Lake. 

[id: a screenshot from Infinity Train Book 2 of a small girl looking at her reflection in a reflective child (Lake)’s head, Lake unamused. end id]

Then the thematic core of season 2 – Lake's conversation with the dying Sieve, in which the latter torments them – introduces the thought that, by befriending Jesse and helping him grow, Lake became what he needed them to be; became his reflection.

That is, of course, not true. The idea that Lake had simply fulfilled the role of a denizen is disproven by the fact that they are the protagonist of Book 2 that goes through the same journey as Tulip, meeting the exact people and creatures and foes that influence and challenge them in the most important ways. At the end of the day, their victory was not changing their external circumstances but their internal approach to them.

As this awesome person has pointed out, that to get off the train, Lake had to embrace their reflectiveness. However heartbreaking was their enraged plea to have their personhood recognized, they never really did change One One's mind. In his perception, they remained a denizen, “so good at helping”. 

The truth is, however, is that yes, Lake has helped Jesse - by being themselves unapologetically, by not fitting in, by showing him that that is an option, and in that life, you can still be loved and cared about – because Jesse without doubt cares about Lake very deeply. 

But Jesse has helped Lake, too, has changed them – by giving them connection and recognition, by showing them they can be accepted and loved without the need to change who they are, without the need to tailor themselves to another person and 'mirror' them. At the end, the two get one escape for two people – because their journey was a shared one, because their paths cannot be separated, because they have influenced each other equally.

 And much like Amelia was the perfect person to challenge Tulip, One One with his inability to think outside of the algorythm and acknowledge Lake's personhood, was perfect for challenging them and putting them into a situation where they had no other choice but to accept, acknowledge and appreciate the connections they have made, and the fact that those connections define them - partially.

Reflectiveness represents bonds, letting other people into your  life, letting them influence you, teach you something, ask something from you – and, fascinatingly, that seems to be a part of what defines us, gives us personhood. Are we just what we do for other people? No, obviously not. Are we simply what separates us from others, what makes us unique, who we are completely on our own, with no regard to what unites us with other people, what they bring into our lives and what we bring into theirs? The answer Infinity Train provides appears to be no, once again. 

Lake names themselves – finds a true, real name that they identify with, when they embrace their reflective nature and see themselves in a body of water that, yes, lets the world in, reflects it, while also undoubtedly having a life and depth of its own. Personhood, real, full human experience seems to be the subtle dance of individualism and connection, both what defines us as separate from others and what tethers us to them.

I mentioned how Lake's journey being similar to Tulip's is a part of what validates their personhood. That's one of those fascinating things in Infinity Train's writing: how the intial split of the cast into the passenger and supporting denizen characters appears almost like commentary on the protagonist complex, with Tulip actually having to internalize the idea that the world and her life are not centered solely around her, are not all about her happiness and growth, that some things happen just because they do, not because they have something to do with her. 

Then, opening with a lead that needs to outgrow the protagonist complex, the show moves on to that character's narrative foil and shows them grow into the central point of the narrative, fighting to have the world recognize them as the main character of their separate, independent story. And to us viewers there is no doubt that Lake is a person of their own and has full rights to personal protagonism – they  are the one we are watching, whose struggle is  the focus of the Book, they are who we sympathise with in the story. 

This wonderful meta decision really drills in the idea that every single character we only ever catch a glimpse of is the main hero of their own journey, and has a full life and full personhood outside of the role they play in the story we watch unravel. At the same time, as per the rules of narrating, we only see the people and events that serve the current protagonist's growth. Through that, and through being an antalogy that unravels by latching onto a secondary character time after time, book after book, exploring their own journeys and inner worlds, Infinity Train creates a breathtaking polycentric model of reality, in which every single person is the main character on their own path, with people around them contributing something of value to that path – and the main character contributing something to theirs, becoming in turn a secondary supporting character in someone else's story. 

Tulip and Atticus are a wonderful example of that: embarking (hehe) on the same journey for different reasons, helping each other, accepting the responsibility that comes with being each other's friends and companions, welcoming the pain that comes with connection and at the end aiding each other in their quests. And Jesse and Lake are much the same. 

The idea of companionship being the escape is only directly introduced in Book 2, but it had already sprouted in Book 1. The themes of connection, renegotiating one's relationship with the seemingly hostile world, and coming to terms with everyone's place in it as one of the many, but having endless personal power over our own narrative, are constantly and continuously present in the show, with the differnet smaller plots and character arcs beautifully overlapping.

___________________________________________________________

Analyzing all of this in the past, I felt incredibly secure and confident in the seeming underlying lesson. That there is no reason to fight the world at large, the things that are outside of your or someone else's control.  And that doesn't mean “not standing up to those who are hurting others”, as shown in Tulip's confrontation with Amelia, Jesse's confrontation with the Apex. It means that some things, like where you have come from, what the relationships of people around you are, and who you have lost, cannot be changed, and our subconscious attempts to fight them only hurt us in the end. 

The idea of our boundless ability to find resources in ourselves and people around us, learn from people that surround us, accept their help and offer them ours, find love once we accept the change love brings; the idea that we always have the ability to thrive in our current circumstances, once we accept that we ourselves are getting in our own way, out of the unwillingness to let go of something we hold dear; the idea that we can always, always bounce back, that it is never too late for any of us, and that true companionship will always be there to give us escape... 

The idea of the world as our friend, with its own will and wishes, something that is not to be controlled and bruteforce- reasoned  through, but something to engage with... 

These all gave me strength, held me up, and gave me a new paradigm that allowed me to look at the reality from a place of comfort and assuredness. The paradigm of the complicated web of life where everything is in its place, where our shortcomings create valuable lessons for someone else, where our choices, even if they hurt us and others, create lessons, as established by Sieve,  have their place in the big picture, like what we see with Amelia's mitakes and Tulip's progress. 

Then, the idea that in that big picture, you are exactly where you need to be, always, because you always have the only thing you need to grow and recover and thrive – you have yourself and the people around you. How infinitely comforting this is, how solid.

And then Book 3 has arrived. And holy shit y’all.

4. Book 3: Cult of the Conductor and Trust vs Control

And once again, this season has not necessarily disproven all of the aforementioned stuff, just... put a lot more emphasis on the reality of pain people have to endure. In this book we had to witness simultaneously a recovery – within Grace's arc, - a descend – within Simon's, - and an actual, raw trauma, that Hazel had to suffer through on screen. We had to watch Simon murder Hazel's caregiver and repeatedly make her feel unsafe, and Grace withdraw herself and leave Hazel alone because of her ungoing identity crisis. We have to come uncomfortably close to the reality of the pain that shapes people, and with how horribly we all can hurt each other. That pain is no longer obscured by the passage of time, it's not something in the character's past. And that is... very rattling.

But, once again, the constant running themes and motifs remain. Once again, the show tackles the idea of change, of connection and the relationship between the individual and the world. 

Regarding the latter, what we see with the Apex is the protagonist complex projected on a group. The Apex myth simultaneously places them at the top of the world – hence the name – and makes them the poor victims of the evil False Conductor that of course seeks to destroy them and targets them specifically. Grace and Simon developed the idea of themselves and their group as the sole people for whom the train exists, as well as the chosen deliberate targets of the entity that had taken over their environment, instead of accepting that maybe the world does not revolve around them!

Upon meeting Amelia they learn that they are not chosen, that they are not on the train because the outside world did not recognize their value, that there was never someone at the top who had their best needs in mind, and that the entity that calls the shots now does not actually know anything about them besides the fact that they exist.

The theme of connection makes a comeback hand in hand with the motif of empathy, with the book opening with Jesse's song 'Empathy Goes'. And that's what's being explored in Grace's and Simon's respective arcs with relation to denizens: their ability to show compassion and recognize someone else's personhood.

The narrative is multi-layered here. On one hand, what is being explored is a group mentality, a cult mentality that paints the outside world as simultaneously inferior and hostile, and we can see Grace and Simon accidentally inventing some pretty mean propaganda techniques. Whew, those kids. But then on the other, the idea of denizens as projections, 'nulls', incapable of actual feeling, only pretending to be real people... this brings to mind such complicated and staggering concepts as philosophical zombies or the idea of the world as something that is simply a projection of your, you currently reading thinking person, brain, where nothing is real except for your own consciousness. And since it is simply impossible to possess others and make sure they are indeed living breathing feeling creatures and not just NPCs in one wild, wild dream, empathy becomes a fascinating choice. What we're left with is 1) believing that other people do in fact feel what they say they do, 2) treating them with respect just in case or because being mean feels bad, or, 3) you know, deciding that we're on top of the world, and are the Apex predator, and everything exists for us, and we can do whatever we want with people around us.

It's interesting to see this mindset as a group mentality, but it makes sense, too; with the Apex we get to watch what happens when a group only recognizes the personhood of those that are a part of it. The thing is, there is no actual empathy within that group, either; we see that once Grace stops fitting into it as smoothly. To the Apex, she becomes a 'void', a nothing, something hollow, devoid of status and power and therefore rights and feelings that need to be respected. Simon's approach is “whatever I do not like is not real”, so by proxy, the new version of Grace is nothing, and should be erased.

This lack of empathy can be tracked deeper and deeper down to Simon as the extremely tyrannical leader, his refusal to recognize the personhood of anyone who does not agree with him. It is natural for us all to act as if what we believe is correct; otherwise, why would we believe it? But Simon takes it to the extremes, refusing to even for a second consider an alternative point of view, and ends up locked in a mindset in which he is the only person entitled to the ability to see the truth, and everyone else somehow is inferior and incomplete. That's the protagonist complex, that's the experience of a person who considers themselves at the center of the world. Why would he out of all people be the keeper of truth? He simply does not ask himself that, because he does not stop to think about the existence of others, or their experiences.

However, it wouldn't be correct to say that Simon is completely devoid of empathy. It's just that his version of it is extremely self-centered and unable to discern between his personal situation and someone else's reality. As my awesome friend @buttercup-bug​ has pointed out, the relationship between Grace and Hazel and Simon and Hazel is built on extending that limited, conditional empathy. As they have noted, the golden and silver masks at the start of the season that are performing the song 'Empathy Goes' represent the two of them, the golden one directly intersecting with the one Grace wears, and in general gold and silver matching their color schemes. 

The position of the masks matches their position on the stage, as well: they are the two leading figures in the big messed-up play that is the Apex, removed from reality, avoiding it, living in their own little world. They perform that reality in different ways, Grace leading with smiles and emotions/emotional manipulation, Simon being more uptight and serious. 

[id: two shots from Infinity Train Book 3, showinng first a scene with halves of two theatrical masks, a sorrowful and a laughing one, surrounded by undefined actor creatures; then Simon and Grace, two young people, Simon white and blonde, Grace black, with shortr dredlocs, wearing a golden masks, holding hands with each other and two other kids in a curtain call manner, with fire raging behind them. end id]

Now, returning to the empathy motif: as it was pointed out to me, the two extend their empathy to Hazel in their own ways, representing their relationship with the inner child. Grace relates to Hazel as a lonely young girl seeking connection with other children, and engages with her in a fun, upbeat way, making it so they enjoy each other's company and spend time together like friends do. That helps her get closer to Hazel, get genuinely attached and through that let Hazel influence her worldview a bit, and be there for Hazel through harder, less fun things as well, till.. a certain point.

Simon, on the other hand, sees himself in Hazel as someone stranded on the train and under the care of a denizen, and automatically perceives Tuba as a threat. And he expresses his empathy in a direct, serious, violent way, by doing what he thinks needs doing: by getting rid of  Tuba without making time for smiles and fun times. 

Grace is the leader, she engages with people emotionally, making them feel needed and special and through that keeping the group together. Simon is the general who leads the army in what he perceives as the Apex's attempt to protect themselves. His approach does not leave much space for bodning. And it makes sense for him as someone much more focused on safety to have his understanding of denizens as dangerous run deeper, be more at the forefront, in his focus. He’s the one calculating the “danger levels” of encountered denizens. And of course the incident with The Cat makes it much more personal. I think it's fair to assume that both Grace and Simon must've had some unfortunate run-ins with the inhabitants of the train, with Grace being initially so set in her belief that denizens are dangerous because they are unpredictable, and you never know what they will do next. Though the only time we actually see her endangered is by the steward that Amelia had reprogrammed. Either way, the two had started off feeling endangered by the unpredictable and unreliable creatures surrounding them, and probably, in their attempts to find a reason to trust each other and feel safer around each other in a dangerous and confusing world, decided that passengers must be inherently good, denizens must be inherently bad.

There is, however, no actual trust in that, none at all between them. 

I'd say that “trust”' is the core motif of season 3. Infinity Train tends to adopt an aphorism that keeps reappearing throughout a season, pronounced by different characters or in different contexts, highlighting the thematic movement and change and the development of the theme within the plot. In Book 1, it was the collocation “bounce back”, as the core of Tulip's character. In Book 2, we had “You can't spell 'escape' without 'companionship'”. In Book 3, our boy Roy introduced the phrase “Teamwork starts with two people trusting each other”. Simon's horrifying rendition of it emphasized the idea that not everyone counts as a person, so not everyone is deserving of trust. You can only rely on those who fit your narrow criteria of one. 

However, even when Grace and Simon were on the same side of the barricades they've built with their own hands, they could never actually trust each other. Their bond and their care for each other were extremely conditional, hinging on the ultra specific image of a passenger, and influenced by the power hierarchy they had created. 

We see that Grace is reluctant to trust Simon or the Apex with the changes happening to her, with her number going down, because she didn't want them to think “less of her”. Her personal  issues, her fear of loneliness and abandonment and the idea that she needs to be something specific, someone who is always strong and right for people to stick around her, have certainly played into that. Grace is so used to comforting herself through saying the world is mean to her because she is special; she wears her “special” status as a mask, she has the highest number, she is “so good at the train”, and that's what keeps others around her in this reality, keeps them needing her. But it's not actually about her as a person. But it is also just the system the two have established. Numbers are power; one's number going down is their failure. 

The amount of trust only diminishes as the plot progresses, with Grace's perspective shifting but her not being able to trust Simon with those thoughts and feelings – quite understandably, since he remained adamant about his beliefs till the very end. Grace could never truly trust Simon outside of the invented value system they've been existing within for many years. And that is reflective of her constant inner struggle, not being able to trust anyone with her self, without any myth explaining why she is awesome and irreplacable. Hazel was the first person who spent time around Grace while also falling out of the equation, not being influenced by the Apex propaganda, and that is why their bond was so life-changing to Grace – aside from the aforementioned grounds for empathy.

Now, was Simon ever able to truly trust Grace? I think he desperately needed to, and facing the fact that Grace has in some ways betrayed that trust by keepings things from him was one of the things that played into him going off the rails. (...That pun was not intended. ) 

As it was pointed out many times by many viewers, Simon seems to know quite a lot about funerals, which means that he probably had to attend one as a kid. Then, his relationship with The Cat seems to be a metaphor for neglectful parenting due to an addiction. The Cat is a collector, her treasures seeming to be extremely important to her. The voice in which Simon says the words “She is collecting again” hints on a long, ongoing problem. Then in the memory of his meeting with Grace, we see that The Cat had actually probably endangered him on one of her car crawls. Overall, Simon's childhood seems to had been an extremely unstable one, with nothing and no one he could truly rely on, with parental figures either dying or neglecting him. It is similar to Tulip's struggle, but most likely running even deeper.

We see Simon continuously leaning on Grace, which at times causes her frustration: she snaps and asks bitterly if she always has to tell him what to do. When Grace starts behaving weirdly, starts changing, acting in a way that Simon can't understand and is not used to, he probably feels endangered, like his life is growing incomprehensible and unstable once again, like things are slipping through his fingers and out of his control. 

But at the end of the day, not one of them was truly relying on the other. Grace never trusted Simon to just stick around because he liked her, she needed the upper hand, the leading position, the idea of being “very good at the train”, and the system in which they should stick together as the passengers threatened by the dangerous environment and “the false conductor”. Simon never truly trusted Grace as we should trust those we love: with the freedom for them to grow and change and still remain someone we can feel safe and happy around. Instead of taking that leap of faith and relying on her to do right by him, he was in fact leaning on the system they've created, clinging to it desperately to the very end. People may change, but the system will stay the same, as long as he doesn't reconsider his worldview, and he had decided to never abandon it, whatever happens.

The lack of trust is warranted by their treatment of each other. How could Simon rely on Grace if she had never shown him her true self? How could Grace trust Simon with her genuine self if he needed her to be something very specific and unchanging? Their bond, while being something that helped them through the lonely existence in a weird, dangerous place, was in fact incredibly, tragically toxic. That is not something that people acknowledge easily. These two held onto their semblance of friendship for dear life, but that only worsened their respective problems, made them less and less capable of actual genuine friendships.

Both of their characters are very complex and convincing, and before I speak directly of some less pleasant parts of them  I want to establish that I love Grace and am so very proud of her, and glad to see that a Black woman character did not remain an antagonist and got explored deeply and compassionately. And that while I was absolutely enraged by Simon's actions throughout the season, I can also appreciate the depth and complexity of the show's writing in his arc, and the tragedy of it, and I do feel for him quite deeply. 

It is also worth mentioning that, even tho they are on the older end of 'kids', they are both kids still, with their formative years spent in unfortunate, unhelpful environments, and the age of growth and self-discovery happening in an actual cult, even tho it is one they had locked themselves into.

So now, to what can be perceieved as the darker parts of their characters. A unifying element of both Grace's and Simon's characters are their desire for control. Both scared of what life would be without it, they bend over backwards to make people behave in the way they need them to. 

Grace does that through emotional manipulation, she directs her entire demeanor into making people see her as the most knowledgable and powerful, someone they need. She makes them want to be a part of the gang, telling them that it makes them special and brave, as well as making them belive that the outside world means them harm, which is... a classic cult tactic. She hides the truth from them when the truth threatens her position and bonds with them. In the culmination of her personal growth, she admits the reason behind it: she did everything in her power to not be left alone. She tried to control the way other people see the world, and through that control how they see her, thinking that that will make them want to stick around. But her manipulation was what kept her from creating genuine connections, so after she first fell out of her own equation and then pushed Hazel away in the last desperate attempt to fit back into it, there was no one left around her. She made people need her cult, not her person. She never let them know the real her that would make them want to stay. The truth is that people change constantly, and we can't eternally push ourselves to live up to a specific expectation, so any attempt to keep people around with anything else than our genuine self are simply doomed.

Simon does not have the same talent for manipulation that Grace does, despite his attempts to use her own techniques on her when trapping her in her memories. 

[id: screenshot from Book 3 showing Grace looking at Simon, who’s sitting next to her with a grave expression on his face. end id]

Lacking subtlty, he seeks to control the world around him through brute force. We see him repeatedly grabbing Grace in an unsettling, scary, invasive and violent manner. He is unable to influence her mentality like she influences the mentality of other people. He can't act subtly, through emotion and manipulation. And his desperation to control the world and force it to work in ways that suit him get externalized through physical aggression. 

That does not excuse him, nor does his desperation warrant sympathy, but the idea of his shows of power being actually signs of powerlessness seems... captivating, reassuring somehow. People who lash out at us do so because they don't actually get to control how we feel, and never can. They can influence and wound us deeply, but they can never actually fully control us, they don’t get to rewrite us.

...Buuut back to the character analysis. Much like Grace who at the start was holding the position of “whatever doesn’t pleases or entertains me gets wheeled” (perhaps a reflection of her “never needed them anyway” attitude seen in how she feels about her failed attempts at friendship), Simon also denies everything that doesn't suit him, not just the value of it but the reality of it, too. Despite all reason, he refuses to believe that he had been living a lie for the last uhh number of years. If something isn't working the way he wants it to, if someone is behaving in a way he doesn't like, he deems them broken and wrong. As Grace points out, her memories are only a true and reliable source to him as long as he likes them, and once he doesn't, they must be lies. 

Simon is the very embodiment of stagnation, complete lack of flexibility – out of his compulsive need to control the world, to have it remain the same and stable, after the turbulences of his childhood. He is very, very much like Tulip – but he is not given a chance to 'bounce back'. Amelia, another example of deep stagnation and refusal to accept the changes in the world, is allowed that decades after boarding the train. She might never leave it, but she can still make an effort, she can still grow, bit by bit. Simon never makes it to the point where he is ready to accept the reality and start making peace with it.

I assume that for the biggest part of the show he is simply constantly triggered. He spends time with Grace, like they used to, before the Apex – but they met and started travelling together right after The Cat had abandoned him. Then they encounter a child who has no one but a supposedly unreliable denizen taking care of her – another thing to remind Simon of his own neglect. Then they straight up bump into The Cat, and Simon learns that her addicition is still active, that nothing has changed, that what happened to him wasn't enough for his parental figure to reconsider her ways. Then things start changing, Grace starts behaving differently, abandones the 'passenger-denizen' binary and makes him feel more alone and directionless than he probably has been in years. 

But after he traps her in her tape and returns to the Apex, there is at least a couple of month for him to get out of the spiral and reconsier. All Of That. and yet he doesn't. At this point his actions are not solely motivated by the very unstable state he was in – which is not to say that he wouldn't need to take responsibility for them either way. But a certain amount of time and distance from it all could have been used for reflection, and yet Simon stays firmly in his position of clinging to the system and revelling in the ultimate control he had found by becoming a leader. He creates a myth of Grace as someone who is worthless because she is unfit to be a leader. He paints himself as more reliable and powerful through the firmness of his beliefs. With him, you can always know what the rules are going to be, how to be the best. Perhaps, in his twisted horrifying perception, he was giving the Apex kids the stability he'd never had.

Going back to the question of why Simon was not given the opportunity to bounce back... Obviously, a core element of his character is his refusal to change in any form, and that’s on him. But with making peace with change being a big theme in the show from season 1, with Amelia doing the same for decades and eventually getting to a place where she had finally accepted it... This is a heavy and fascinating narrative decision.

It's good to consider that Amelia never actually succeeded at controlling the world in the way that she needed. Among all the characters, her grief was the most hopeless, most desperate: she tried to reverse time, she tried to bring someone back to life. Unlike her, Simon achieved some at least perceived control that he had been striving for. The danger of his character is that he executed his power over actual physical people, and he felt like he could actually decide what their life was going to be, what his life was going to be. He never got to lose it all, like Grace did. He never got to face just how hollow his illusion of control was. So in some ways within his arc him not getting redemption makes sense. 

But what does it mean for the show at large, for the underlying message? It feels inconsistent with the Infinity Train's narrative to just make Simon out to be a cautionary tale of what happens to those who deny change, or a foil to Grace who did ended up accepting it; we've already established that in the show's polycentric system, every character is more than just a part of someone else's journey, has full existence and autonomy outside of that.

Once again quoting my wonderful smart friend @buttercup-bug​, I want to refer to the end of season 3 in which Grace tells the ex-Apex kids that it is not fair for her to decide for them what their place on the train is, who they are, what life is to them; and in the same way, the unconcluded story of this book can be open to interpretations, with every one of us getting to choose what to take out of the simple reality of it. Simon's story simply happened. We can take whatever lesson we need from it. 

But before we part our ways and each one decides what to think of the bone-chilling end of his arc, I want to point a couple more things out.

5. The Train as a Metaphor for Life

Something that has really fascinated me about the show's narrative ever since my marathon of the first two seasons is the concept of the train. One One seems so very sure the train inspires growth, and yet, as we have learned in season 3, he, the Conductor himself, does not actually know much about the passengers' life aboard it except their numbers. There is no established system, there is no assigning of the denizens, there is no rulebook for them, they are not aware of the specific problems of the passengers they meet. Passengers can actually die on the train, which is wild if the goal of it is to make them grow and flourish. We are so used to thinking that to heal, one needs a perfectly supportive, comfortable and safe environment, and yet the train is challenging, dangerous, unpredictable.

I think the idea here, with characters time after time having to come to terms with life being confusing, ever-changing, often painful and entirely outside of our control, is that the train is not necessarily there to soothe the wounds but to raise the stakes, challenging people in such a way that their choices and their actions and approach to the reality have much more serious consequences. Tulip learns to accept help and help others in situations that actually threaten her and her loved ones, while what she would risk in the past when shutting herself off was just upsetting some friends and family and, you know, being fundamentally alone. Jesse went from letting others bully his brother to balancing on the edge of selling Lake out, which would end their entire existence. Grace went from being a child who creates fights and eggs others on to do something stupid to being an actual teenage cult leader. The train raises the stakes exponentially, and that makes everyone on board reconsider the real price of their actions.

Aside from that and giving specific directions for growth through numbers, though, it doesn't really... do anything. It functions the way life functions: things just happen, people just behave in ways that make sense for them, and everyone has full autonomy. At the same time, we see characters encounter the exact companions that make them grow, the exact enemies that challenge them in the most important ways. To once again quote Fleur @buttercup-bug​ a.k.a. the established sponsor of all of the behind-the-scenes Infinity Train discussions, the train is both ambigious and very meta, and “acts both as a narrative arc machine in a storytelling sense and as a lesson provider in a life sense, which bridges the gap between story and reality in a really personal way”. 

That is a wonderful way to put something that captivated me upon my first watch. The train is a metaphor for life. It is contrasted against the metaphor for death or non-existence: the  lifeless wasteland through which it is constantly moving, the wasteland populated by soul-sucking parasites also symbolical of nothing other than death. The train is life that is always moving, never the same, outside of our control, bigger than us, not obeying our wishes no matter how hard we try, challenging, populated by other people that have their free will, which often hurts us. And yet, the train is a provider of companions, which are to be our escape. And they are not crafted or tailored to us, nor are we crafted for them - and yet as our paths intersect, we impact each other, and we learn from each other in incredibly meaningful ways.

When thinking about this, I've landed on two possibilities. Either the Engine or the Train – something separate from One One – is a great and omnipotent mind capabe of foreseeing how things would unravel to everyone's utmost benefit, placing the correct people at the correct places, weaving an incredibly complex web of connections in which we always meet the companions we are supposed to meet ot exchange lessons with... or it doesn't need to be at all. And I think I like the latter much more. 

The train doesn't need to be that, because, as I've already proposed earlier, ourselves and the people around us, whoever they are, are all we ever need. Wherever you are right now, wherever the Universe has put you, you are supposed to be there, not because it has some grand plan and knows something that you don't, but because no matter your circumstances, you already have what you need for growth. You have yourself and you have other people and their stories, and the connection they can offer you. (Hazel, who is perhaps the most mature character we meet – which is tragic considering how many dysfunctional adults she has to be around – seeks to connect with everyone around her who is not outwardly dangerous, no matter how little in common they seem to have. And eventually something is found, some strand of connection, creating empathy.) People around you always have something to offer. You yourself always have something to offer.

I would hold onto that idea, as well as the idea of “bouncing back”, of it never being too late to get better. And I felt a bit off-balance when Simon was not given a chance to do that. But in a way, shifitng the story from fated encounters that kickstart someone's progress, like the one between Tulip and Amelia, Lake and Jesse, gives even more weight to this concept, by putting our personal decision to change into focus. 

It's not all about meeting this one specific person who will show you the error of your ways; even more so, sometimes people who have a lot in common and mirror each other hold each other back instead of helping each other grow. Sometimes one of them changing only pushes the other further down when they refuse to accept that. And at the end, it is all up to us. 

Getting a little bit existential here, but we are fundamentally the only ones who define our lone separate experience, and we are always on our own and solely repsonsible for ourselves. Connection is always there to support us, to teach us something, and playing a role in someone's life is what makes us real and vice versa, and at the same time we are all masters of our own destiny. We do not bear responsibility for other people's actions, and they do not bear responsibility for ours. Some environments are more suited for our growth, some less, but at the end of the day the choice to take whatever opportunities we have is up to us. 

Which means that we don't have to sit around waiting for the Logical Point in our character arcs to achieve a breakthrough. The world is always there for us to engage with, to hear what it has to say. The question is, are we ready to accept it? To see it for what it is? With time it will grow louder, ignoring the truth we're avoiding will become harder, but the choice to listen is always ours. We can do it sooner rather than later. Or we can do it... never, refuse the reality, refuse change and the nature of life. Because we are the ones responsible. We can't blame the world for not delivering the needed lessons sooner in life, because even if it did, nothing would stop us from ignoring them. We can't feel entitled to endless lessons and endless comfort from people around us. We should take care of ourselves. 

Which means that, wherever we are, at any point of our lives, we can always grow if we listen, if we open ourselves up to the truth. And the truth is that  life is incredibly, undescribably complicated. It stretches across so many different individual experiences, and it does not prioritize a single one of them. We are a part of such a vast web of events and connections, and it is foolish to consider that the world is the way it is just to spite you or hurt you, or that it should change, stop and start spinning in the opposite direction just to ease your pain. 

Things happen that no one is to blame for. There is no fault in the way the world is. Nothing is broken. Life goes on, endlessly, life changes, people change, people leave, people hurt us. That is okay. We can always change ourselves, we can be flexible and open and alive, we can extend our hand to the world and work together with it in true companionship.

Life is the way it is, wild and uncontrollable, and you cannot escape it, you cannot escape change, as long as you are alive. But you can make peace with that. Through acceptance, love and connection.

Gohms, creatures dwelling in the desert that symbolizes non-existence, parasites that symbolize death, are what awaits those who choose to get off the train. Those who try to escape the endless movement and challenges of life. You cannot truly stagnate, you cannot stop moving, you cannot stop things form changing, as long as you exist. As Simon attempts to control the world, still it, for the very last time, that is what happens to him. He stops existing. By refusing change, he refuses life itself. And loses it. And maybe it's not about him never getting to arrive at a point that would tip him over and change him. Maybe it's about his choice to not take all the opportunities that were presented to him before. Maybe he could've done something very different, whether that would have changed his fate or not, with whatever time he had left.

[of-muppets-and-men]

Qrow as Ruby’s Dad

I am fully aware of the ugly can of worms I am opening just by discussing this but whatever. Here we go.

Just a disclaimer, I mean no disrespect to Monty, Miles or Kerry. I am simply stating the possibility and leaving all options on the table.

The idea of Qrow being Ruby’s biological father has been around since Qrow was introduced back in Volume 3. And although it’s been shot down by the creator and current writers of the show, I’m going to go over as much I can to show that the theory/headcanon still has some level of validity.

This is also pretty long so brace yourself.

Point #1: The Writers

Monty originally “debunked” this theory while dismissing another by saying Yang and Ruby were half-sisters. And recently it was debunked again by Miles, who outright said Qrow wasn’t her dad. The word of the Writer’s is, under most circumstances, Law. But let me say this: What is the one thing you are supposed to do above all else? Preserving your narrative, meaning doing everything you can to protect your plot.

Many writers have concealed or just lied to their audience about certain plot points to maintain the story. And just because Monty, Miles and Kerry don’t seem like they would, doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of it.

Why would Monty lie? Because Ruby and Yang being sisters was what he had presented at the time. Qrow was only a name at the time, so revealing so detrimental so soon wouldn’t make any sense for the show’s longevity. Thus, he kept his lips sealed.

Now there’s Miles; why would he outright deny this theory. Well, if I had to guess, it would be to quell the speculation, to stop people from outwardly talking about it. Has he succeeded? For the most part, yes. Fans and Haters alike have stopped discussing it en mass, but it hasn’t stopped fanfic writers and artists much.

While debunking this theory, Miles gave his reasoning to be “Ruby just admires him so much that she mimics a lot of what Qrow does.”.

Let’s unpack that for a moment.

What about Ruby’s character is reminiscent of Qrow?  Ruby is, by all accounts, opposite to Qrow in many facets of her personality. She overwhelmingly optimistic, despite witnessing the deaths of Penny and Pyrrha. She’s open and honest, though a bit naive and socially awkward, but after all she’s still a teenager. Qrow, from the few accounts we know of, is actually pretty suave and quite the ladies man too.

Basically, anything Ruby is, Qrow is not. The only real thing that statement applies too, is her love of her scythe, but even then that argument is flimsy. As an impressionable young girl with a passion for weapons/huntsman, and then seeing her uncle wielding the coolest weapon in entire show; I mean who wouldn’t want a scythe at that point.

Point #2: Appearance

First and foremost, the most obvious thing people tend to bring up; Ruby’s appearance. In current canon, Taiyang is Ruby’s father, but you’d never be able to tell as they share absolutely no physical traits or attributes. Already a bit strange, no? Now I get Ruby is SUPPOSED to be a near spitting image of her mom, Summer Rose, but to no share anything with Tai is a bit of stretch.

Then there’s Yang in stark (hehe) contrast; who is a near even split of her parents. She has Raven’s long bushy hair, is taller than most other girls, has Raven’s general shape of face and paler skin, but is blonde and has lilac eyes; a combination of Raven’s red eyes and Tai’s blue eyes (even though that isn’t how genetics works but whatever). Even Yang’s outfits have been greatly inspired by Tai’s in terms of colour palette and design.

Even comparing other characters within RWBY, such as Weiss, Blake or Ren, have a striking resemblance to both their parents/siblings. So for Ruby to not designed in a similar fashion is odd to say the least. Ruby isn’t exactly identical to Qrow by means, she stills shares a great deal more with Qrow than we’ve ever seen with Taiyang.

Qrow is also a fraternal twin. Or in other words, Ruby is also liable to look like Raven too. Male and Female character models are different looking in RWBY, so it’s reasonable to think to Ruby would share some traits with her could-be aunt.

Ruby’s current overall aesthetic has subtle cues from both Qrow and Summer. Dark but red tipped hair, her mother’s eyes and a near identical outfit. Ruby’s cloak is red and tattered like Qrow’s, but large and hooded like Summer’s. Her aura is red, but generates flower petals when she uses her semblance. Ruby even had Cross as her emblem, until it was changed to be the same as her mom’s. But even still, she had cross pins in her cloak till her outfit change in Volume 4. Only one character shares this cross motif, and it’s you guessed it, Qrow.

One minor thing is that Ruby’s alternative outfit in Volume 2, dubbed Slayer, gives her a noticeably large resemblance to Qrow; even more so than her current or former outfits.

I’m very aware that any of this could be just simple coincidence and random choices in design but let me say this. Colour is an underlying basis for RWBY, and it plays a semi essential role in the show’s lore. So for it’s main protagonist’s colour pallette have next to nothing to do with her actual parent, but share parallels and such to someone she has no genetic relation to is, to me, unbelievably suspect. If Ruby was a strawberry blonde or even a bit tanned, we wouldn’t be even having this discussion, but given everything we know, it just doesn’t add up.

I’ve seen a handful of people say that it doesn’t matter that Ruby doesn’t look like Taiyang or It’s okay because not all children look like both parents. Well that may be true in reality, but in RWBY, this is contrary to the underlying theme of the show.

Point #3: Ruby’s Mentor

Let’s look at Ruby’s phenomenal skill with the scythe. As we well know, Qrow was her mentor and taught her most of her current fighting skills. However, this begs the question of why Qrow taught her and not Taiyang. Taiyang is incredibly skilled at hand to hand combat and is evidently a good teacher, as he trained Yang and currently still is a professor/licensed huntsman.

So why is Ruby so utterly abysmal without Crescent Rose? Since she’s Tai’s daughter, you’d think she’d be at least somewhat talented like Yang but such isn’t the case here. Why would Taiyang heavily train Yang, but leave Ruby practically defenseless (given her dream of being a huntress too)? Seems a bit strange no matter how you look at it.

However. There is something I noticed about Qrow. We know and seen how badass he is with Harbinger in tow; his skills are nothing to scoff at. Many in the RWBY universe are aware of Qrow’s prowess and would prefer to not engage him at all. But when Harbinger was wretched from his hand during his fight with Tyrian, he showed that he is capable without his weapon.

The thing that’s intriguing is he looked very rigid and doesn’t seem too confident without his scythe, especially comparing him to hand-to-hand combatants like Yang or Mercury. It felt like it was just a ‘screw it’ moment so to speak. A weird thing to point out, I know, but it creates another parallel between him and Ruby. Masters of the scythe that don’t fare too well without it.

Point #4: Ruby’s Name

A small thing to point is why Ruby has her surname as Rose. Ruby Xiao Long doesn’t flow off the tongue by any stretch, but there must be some other reason why she hasn’t taken Tai’s last name. Is it to honour Summer? Or is it because she isn’t a Xiao Long at all?

Now a point I don’t love but must mention is the line from Qrow’s theme song Bad Luck Charm.

The line in question is “You don’t want the burden of my name”. Many believe it is Qrow referring to Ruby and how she’s better not being known as a Branwen. As Qrow mentioned, his tribe is a group of “killers and thieves” and likely didn’t want a innocent child to be associated with such a group. There’s a chance it could mean he deliberately convinced Summer to let Ruby have her name, to protect her from the Tribe’s retribution. If Ruby was a Branwen on top of being a SEW, it would likely make her a target for not only Salem’s forces but bounty hunters too. (Going after Ruby to punish the “Traitor” so to speak)

Point #5: Qrow’s Semblance

An argument against Qrow being Ruby’s Dad is that it doesn’t make sense to hide the truth from her but then teach her the most difficult weapon to master in Remnant. While at first glance, this is a fair argument, but let me dive a bit deeper.

In Episode 8 of Volume 4, we learned that Qrow’s semblance is Misfortune. It intermittently causes bad luck to every person around him, from simple inconveniences like a bartender dropping a glass to life threatening things like a massive beam almost falling on Ruby. This gives him a logical reason for his loner persona.

He can’t control what will and can happen to his friends, his allies, or his family. He is, much to his own grief, a constant danger to those he loves. Why does this matter? Because he’d be Ruby’s only remaining parent; meaning she’d always want to be with him, ironically putting herself in more danger. He’d keep the truth from her until she was hopefully old to understand why he kept it from her.

Qrow was also a former Professor at Signal Academy. Though most of the details of his career as a teacher are sadly unknown, It can be at least gathered his semblance wasn’t potent enough to cause too much trouble on campus or he’d have never been allowed as a teacher in the first place (perhaps it’s less effective in crowds?).

Now Qrow likely would have trained Ruby in a controlled environment to ensure his semblance would cause as little damage as possible. Qrow and Ruby are arguably the two closest characters in the series as far as we know and they have been shown to be this way. They understand each other, know each other’s mannerisms and Ruby even gets Qrow pervy jokes. So it’s no shock to think Qrow knew much she idolized the hunter lifestyle and helped her live out her dream, all the while getting to spend time with his baby girl.

Point #6: The Timeline

Another thing many have taken note of is the amount of time it took Taiyang to father both Yang and Ruby. The math is a bit difficult as we don’t know Yang’s birthday, but let’s get an estimate.

As of Volume 6, Yang is about 19 and Ruby is about 17.

Ruby’s birthday is October 31st, so she was conceived near the end of January or early February. Yang was likely already around 15 months (give or take) at the time of Ruby’s conception. In short, Taiyang would have had Yang, been abandoned by Raven, gotten together with Summer and impregnated her in little more than a year. A situation like this is not impossible, but it is extremely unlikely.

Getting over a significant other varies per person, but given how Tai talks about Raven; it doesn’t seem like their relationship has run its course quite yet. Summer was most likely helping Tai because he genuinely needed it. Dealing with a newborn and the fact his lover just left him alone, Tai wasn’t exactly in the best state of mind.

In “Two steps forward and two steps back”, Tai finally opens up to Yang about her mother. The way he speaks about Raven feels as though he still fondly remembers her, despite her leaving so abruptly. It feels as if he still loves her, but if that’s the case, why would he shack up with Summer and have another child so quickly? Anyway you slice it, this is a pretty irresponsible thing to do.

UNLESS, Taiyang was never a part of the equation and Summer and Qrow were together the entire time.

Another thing people tend to point is why Qrow would have Ruby believe Taiyang was her father and Yang her sister.  Simple, he didn’t want her to feel isolated. Her mom was gone, and he couldn’t there for her. Children can be cruel, and Ruby not having a dad around would definitely be fuel for any and all types of bullying. Making Ruby and Yang “sisters” would have been made things simple; Qrow was already Yang’s Uncle so why not Ruby’s too.

And if this were canon, it would mean Qrow gave up his only child, just so she could have some semblance of a proper family; something he never had or would be able to give her. That is weapon’s grade bittersweet.

A reason Qrow could be hesitant to reveal himself is because of the backlash. Ruby is just a teenager and to drop a bomb on her like that would be a terrible thing to do. Tai wouldn’t be her dad, Yang wouldn’t be her sister and she’d have to come to terms with the fact the two adults she trusted the most have been actively lying to her face her entire life. Qrow is fully aware of the fact of how this revelation could shatter her whole world. So instead of causing her anguish, he lets her live in happy ignorance with her friends.

Point #7: Scenes of Interest

Now there is a handful of moments from the show that highlight the relationship between Ruby and Qrow. I’m going to over a few that are questionable, to me at least.

First the most notable scene is from finale of Volume 3. Ruby is safely at home, in bed, while Taiyang patiently waits for her to awaken. When she does, she asks Tai about what happened. In his brief recollection, he makes a small mention of her silver eyed abilities. Ruby asks him to clarify, but Taiyang immediately dismisses the subject.

Enter Qrow and he then asks Taiyang to “give them a minute”. Taiyang retorts but ultimately leaves to make tea, letting Ruby and Qrow talk. He asks her if she recalls what happened, to which she does through tears. Seemingly out of nowhere, Qrow then asks if she remembered what Ozpin first said to her; something about silver eyes. He goes off about supposed legendary warriors he Grimm singularly feared and how Ruby was special just like her mom.

(The line ‘You’re special, Ruby. and not in the “daddy loves his special angel” kinda way’ is also really interesting. Is it a throwaway line or foreshadowing?)

This seems like a relatively normal scenario until you realize a couple things. Why is Qrow asking Tai to leave the room? And why does Tai give practically no resistance to the notion? Taiyang should have absolute authority, not only as Ruby’s father, but as the owner of the household too. Yet, he relinquishes control of the situation as if it wasn’t his place, as if he knew he shouldn’t be there. 

Qrow’s simple yet sincere plea of  ‘Tai… please.’ is peculiar because it sounds like he needed to do this, as if it was his responsibility to Ruby. Tai even gives Qrow a small scowl when he exits the room, so there is some discord here, but not enough Tai to act on it. Reinforcing the idea that Tai knows he shouldn’t argue.

Stranger still, Qrow is the one that tells Ruby of her abilities and the first person to liken her to Summer. The fact Qrow, who isn’t an open book by ANY means, was the one to tell her such important albeit limited information about her lineage, while Tai continued to keep as much as he could from her is a dubious sign something is up. As a parent, it should have been Taiyang's duty to comfort Ruby in such trying times, telling her about herself and about Summer.

Another scene that was weird to me was in ‘A Much Needed Talk’. After Qrow finished telling Team RNJR of the gods, maidens, relicts and so on, Ruby asks him if there was anything else he wanted to tell them. A second after she asked, Raven in corvid form perches herself on a nearby branch, prompting Qrow to say “not tonight”. But what could Qrow possibly say that Raven doesn’t already know about? Raven is already privy to Ozpin and Salem’s secret war, about maidens and the relicts. What information could Qrow not want Raven to know about? (A secret child perhaps? Imagine the blackmail between Raven and Qrow if this were the case) 

Even over the course of the show, Qrow has been continuously protecting Ruby all her life. Killing Grimm to keep safe and diving in at the last moment when she’s in a real bind. He goes unnecessarily out of his way for her, but doesn’t do the same when his actual niece needs it. Very dedicated for an “Honorary Uncle”.

There are many minor nuances in Volume 6 (specifically Episodes 10-12) as well; many of which having to do with the way Qrow looks when Ruby is danger. When she misses the cliff, the camera switches to Qrow; absolutely horrified when she starts falling.

Another time is when Ruby gets bold and dives into the Mech’s cannon, the camera again pans to Qrow about to have a damn heart attack. The look on Qrow’s face both times conveys the idea of the fact Qrow is terrified of losing Ruby. Perhaps the same way he lost Summer, and perhaps lose the last piece of her he has left. Bottom line is, this doesn’t look like an uncle concerned for his niece, it’s a father worried for the safety of his child.

Lastly, when Qrow catches Ruby after she comes flying out the cannon. The worry on his face tells the same story. The gentle nudge and the panic when she doesn’t immediately wake up is highly reminiscent of when Tai waited for her to wake up in Volume 3; is my baby girl okay?

And a quick shoutout to @anthurak who made a very in-depth post about the Father-Daughter dynamic of Qrow and Ruby in Volume 6. I highly recommend it if haven’t read it already.

Point #8: Qrow’s Alcoholism and Summer’s Death

Though not overtly obvious, it would appear Qrow’s drinking problem and Summer’s passing are intertwined to a degree.

First there is the photo of his team from when they were still together. Why does he tote this ragged photo around with him? Well if you take a closer look, you can make out a ring of condensation around Summer. You typically only get such stains from cups and glasses, so it would seem Qrow used the photo as a coaster to hide the image of Summer.

But why? Well, Summer, being deceased, is the only member of his team he can’t see anymore, but it seems as though he was closer to her than the rest of STRQ.

From what can be gathered, Qrow broke down while drinking over the loss of Summer and was so devastated that he couldn’t even bare to look at a picture of her. Grief like this usually stems from the loss of someone of immeasurable importance to you; a parent, a child, or a significant other.

According to psychology, losing a spouse (child too but not applicable here) is the most stressful thing that can happen to an adult. A loss of this magnitude can have lasting effects for years after their passing. Given Qrow’s previously mentioned breakdown and continuous drinking, it’s very likely that Summer was of said importance to him. I’m not trying to undermine Taiyang’s own grief, giving that he “shut down” when Qrow told him what had happened.

Speaking of which When Qrow was still suffering from Tyrian’s venom, so much so he couldn’t walk, he mumbles something; “Tai… She’s not coming… Tai.”. The line implies that Qrow was there when Summer died and he was charged with letting Tai and the girls know happened.

Another moment that reinforces this is from Episode 10 of Volume 6 (8:12 timestamp). Qrow goes a tirade about he’s causing Jaune’s plan to go awry. Then he says ”I shouldn’t have come, shouldn’t have let any you come. What was I THINKING?”. I don’t know about you but to me that sounds like he’s been down this road before. Like he knows something bad will happen again.

Qrow’s alcoholism is exacerbated when he finds out Salem, the very enemy he’s been fighting against for years, cannot be beaten.

This sends him deeper and deeper into despair and when he socks Ozcar in the jaw, he says “Meeting you was the worse luck of my life”. This is a remarkably harsh thing to say, but it feels as though he isn’t regarding himself in this line. Yes, much of Qrow’s life was spent fighting for Oz and all that time is ultimately wasted, but Qrow has lost many friends and allies in this war as well. Chiefest among them I’d say is Summer. If Qrow was intimate with Summer, then her presumably dying at the hands of Salem’s forces was entirely meaningless. The woman he loved and all the huntsman/huntresses he knew died for a lost cause, which is absolutely tragic.

It’s difficult to discuss Qrow being Ruby’s Dad without mentioning another theory; Was Qrow involved in Summer’s death? I personally think he was, though not intentionally. I’m under the impression Summer sacrificed herself to protect him on her last mission but that’s a topic for another time.

Because of Ruby’s large resemblance to her mom, it has been seen giving Qrow flashbacks of his time with Summer.

When Ruby stands up to Qrow for likely the first time in her life (Volume 6 episode 9), Qrow is not only taken aback by his niece’s strength of will, but is also recognizing how much she is like Summer. The camera angles and shots depict it as if it’s history repeating itself, the daughter walking in the mother’s footsteps. Not letting Qrow spew his bullshit is apparently a Rose thing.

Another time in Volume 6 is when Ruby decides to confront Cordovin alone. Qrow tries to stop her but she shoots a look while saying “i need you to trust me”. Qrow glances back at Ruby, and he ultimately relents, brought down by that stare. He’s definitely heard those words before.

While this may not seem important, it actually lays the foundation for when Qrow finally talks about Summer. After all, besides Yang, he’s the only person who’s actually mentioned her, albeit not by name. (Raven too but that was more of an insult)

Point #9: Thematic Purpose

Qrow being Ruby’s dad I find, adds more than it takes away. It doesn’t do as much for the overlaying plot, it does create many avenues for Character Development.

Take Ruby: she’s been the same bundle of optimism and joy since she first debuted. Then take this and flip it on it’s head. Her faith in her loved ones is now crumbling and is in desperate need of guidance. This revelation could potentially be the most impactful event of her entire life. This scenario would see Ruby peel away from her Paragon attitude and give her much needed development.

It would also explain a curious theme in Volume 4. Every member besides Ruby is seen with their father. Yang is shown training and gaining valuable lesson from Tai. Blake is shown to reconnect with her estranged parents for the first time in years. And sadly, it is shown how far Weiss’s relationship with her family has degraded, particularly with Jacque. Only Ruby is left out of this trend. Or is she? Only one person was beside her the whole time, protecting her from Grimm and Tyrian: Qrow.

This would shed much needed light on Qrow too. It would explain practically he’s done, everything he’s put himself through and why he’s loathed himself the entire way. This creates a unexpected parallel between him and Raven too. If Qrow is Ruby’s father, then it would mean he’s been loving her from the sidelines while never really exposing himself. In contrast, Raven abandoned her family though never denying who she was to Yang.

And speaking of Yang, it gives her and Ruby’s relationship development as well. This revelation would mean they are cousins, not sisters, but they could persevere beyond this fact. Imagine Yang embracing her cousin and simply saying “I don’t care what the truth is. You will ALWAYS be my little sister and nothing will change that.” 

And a brief mention to the fact it sheds more light of the dynamic of Team STRQ and by extension Summer herself.

Closing Statement

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty biased on this subject because I adore this theory/head canon and Hummingbird/Flown North is my absolute favourite ship in the fandom without a shadow of a doubt (I prefer the name Hunter’s Dream). I know people who hate this theory/head canon will more than likely shit on this for all it’s worth. But I wanted to finally put my two cents in on this. I will always hope for this to be canon, even though it’s extremely unlikely.

If the writers at one point or another explain/debunk away any of what I've mentioned in the narrative and reinforce the current canon of Taiyang being Ruby’s Dad, I will gladly concede and admit that I was wrong. Until then, I will hold on to the last vestiges of this theory/head canon.

Let a man dream, okay?

[datblog16]

God’s Faithfulness vs Man’s Faithlessness

Throughout scripture, there is an underlying current of God’s constant faithfulness and mankind’s unfaithful nature. People tend to say that the God of the Old Testament was a God of violence and judgement. The people that say these things have obviously never read the Old Testament.

They forget that mankind forsook their creator time and time again, and it was God’s mercy that did not allow for the human race to be completely wiped away. God is immutable, which means His nature never changes, He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

His love for His people, despite their waywardness, their following of false gods and idols, their blatant disobedience to God’s commandments, God’s love for His chosen people never changed, He always brought them back to Him, but it was usually always through judgement, and the ultimate act of redeeming His people was seen in the sending of His son to become an atoning sacrifice.

Focusing on that theme of God’s faithfulness vs. man’s unfaithfulness, let’s come to the New Testament, specifically an encounter we are all familiar with, between a Samaritan woman and Jesus.

John 4:5-18

5 So he came to a town in Samaria called Sychar, near the plot of ground Jacob had given to his son Joseph. 6 Jacob’s well was there, and Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down by the well. It was about noon. 7 When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, “Will you give me a drink?” 8 (His disciples had gone into the town to buy food.) 9 The Samaritan woman said to him, “You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?” (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans.) 10 Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.” 11 “Sir,” the woman said, “you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? 12 Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his livestock?” 13 Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” 15 The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.” 16 He told her, “Go, call your husband and come back.” 17 “I have no husband,” she replied. Jesus said to her, “You are right when you say you have no husband. 18 The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.”

Jesus speaks to a Samaritan woman and asks her for a drink. Jesus proceeds to tell her that He is able to provide her with living water with which she will never thirst again. When she asks for a drink of this living water, Jesus tells her to go call her husband.

I’ve always thought of this conversation as very confusing. Obviously, Jesus and the Samaritan woman were not on the same page. Jesus is speaking about a spiritual truth and the Samaritan woman is not understanding and thinks He is talking in literal terms, about earthly water.

Then Jesus tells her to go call her husband when all she asked for was the living water that Jesus claimed to provide, as if the woman wasn’t already confused enough. Why did Jesus answer this way? What does this woman’s marital affairs have to do with anything?

The truth is that Jesus knew the woman did not understand, her eyes were still closed to the truth, her ears were not understanding the mystery of which Jesus was speaking, so He had to open up her heart.

Let’s go to another passage to understand a little better.

Jeremiah 2:1-13

The word of the Lord came to me: 2 “Go and proclaim in the hearing of Jerusalem: “This is what the Lord says: “‘I remember the devotion of your youth, how as a bride you loved me and followed me through the wilderness, through a land not sown. 3 Israel was holy to the Lord, the firstfruits of his harvest; all who devoured her were held guilty, and disaster overtook them,’” declares the Lord. 4 Hear the word of the Lord, you descendants of Jacob, all you clans of Israel. 5 This is what the Lord says: “What fault did your ancestors find in me, that they strayed so far from me? They followed worthless idols and became worthless themselves. 6 They did not ask, ‘Where is the Lord, who brought us up out of Egypt and led us through the barren wilderness, through a land of deserts and ravines, a land of drought and utter darkness, a land where no one travels and no one lives?’ 7 I brought you into a fertile land to eat its fruit and rich produce. But you came and defiled my land and made my inheritance detestable. 8 The priests did not ask, ‘Where is the Lord?’ Those who deal with the law did not know me; the leaders rebelled against me. The prophets prophesied by Baal, following worthless idols. 9 “Therefore I bring charges against you again,” declares the Lord. “And I will bring charges against your children’s children. 10 Cross over to the coasts of Cyprus and look, send to Kedar[a] and observe closely; see if there has ever been anything like this: 11 Has a nation ever changed its gods? (Yet they are not gods at all.) But my people have exchanged their glorious God for worthless idols. 12 Be appalled at this, you heavens, and shudder with great horror,” declares the Lord. 13 “My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.

The Lord God had called out Israel as His bride. He led her out of Egypt, through the wilderness, providing food, protecting them, caring for them, establishing them, and leading them to the land He had promised for them. He told them to be faithful to Him, to not follow other gods. But they turned far away from Him and went after worthless things. They forsook their GLORIOUS GOD, THE SPRING OF LIVING WATER, and dug their own broken cisterns that can’t even hold water.

Let’s look at another passage.

Jeremiah 3:12-14

12 Go, proclaim this message toward the north: “‘Return, faithless Israel,’ declares the LORD, ‘I will frown on you no longer, for I am faithful,’ declares the LORD, ‘I will not be angry forever. 13 Only acknowledge your guilt—you have rebelled against the LORD your God, you have scattered your favors to foreign gods under every spreading tree, and have not obeyed me,’” declares the LORD. 14 “Return, faithless people,” declares the LORD, “for I am your husband. I will choose you—one from a town and two from a clan—and bring you to Zion.

Isaiah 54:5

“For your Maker is your husband—the Lord Almighty is his name—the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.”

Coming back to the passage in Luke, Jesus was calling out to the nature of the Samaritan woman’s marriage. Like Israel, she had been unfaithful, she had been pursuing many lovers, she was creating her own cisterns that could not hold water. Jesus reminded her that only One lover mattered, the lover of her soul, the spring of living water. Stop pursuing the things that cannot satisfy, the things of this world that will run dry. Pursue the fountain of living water, from which you will never thirst again.

John 7:37-38

“Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.”

The Samaritan woman had placed her affection on the wrong things. Where is our affection going? What idols and false gods have we replaced for God in our lives? Who is our husband? Are we following many different husbands or our one true husband?

Ephesians 5:25-27

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

Jesus is reminding his bride, the church, the body of Christ, to come back to Him. He is coming back soon and He is going come back for a pure bride, we need to individually ask ourselves, where have we gone astray? What has taken priority over Jesus in my life? Where is my time, energy, and affection going? Don’t be an unfaithful bride, don’t flirt with the world, and come back to Jesus on Sundays. It doesn’t work that way. We have to repent and come back to Jesus wholeheartedly. We love because He first loved. As He is the faithful husband, so let us be the faithful bride.

[vikab]

p5 thoughts

After having drawn so much fanart of p5 (most of it being Yusuke) before the game even came out, even with my hype when I started playing on the release date, I only FINALLY finished persona 5 OTL

Below will be my mini-review and thoughts on the game?? spoilers are gonna here on the entire game

Total playtime - 87 hours 40 minutes

OK this is gonna be disorganized mess but i will try to be .. not messy Story: The story unfortunately was very weak :(  Like the game had an AMAZING start and it was tackling really important issues. I really started to care about Ryuji and Ann and their goals. Then Yusuke joins and I thought the game was just heading in perfect direction. Then I felt off during Kaneshiro’s arc as Makoto did not really feel .. really into the whole PT thing?? sorry Makoto fans i love her but she felt rly overrated... anyway Futaba’s arc no doubt was my favorite but then the game really started falling apart. like lets not talk about the whole series of events that were Morgana leaving the team that was straight up BAD. the pacing picked up a bit for the Casino dungeon and it was really intense then its Shido and thing kinda... fell back into this weird pacing ... Ah yes, let’s just wait 20 days to see if Shido has a change of heart or we die. After that the pacing was still all over the place then the huge plottwist happens. I knew about it but still liked it! The last arc had on point emotions and feels so it felt like a good ending to the game.  SEVERE PACING ISSUES KILL THE GAME FOR ME THOUGH.   I get that they still wanted the calendar system but honestly i dont think it worked any huge favors for the game . .. anyway yeah the game started amazing then dropped close to death then picked up again but not as good as the beginning Characters: I have not managed to finish a lot of confidants so near the end the parts where confidants help out it was .. very lacking lol .. . if that part wasnt so depended on the confidants that you have finished.... But overall the characters were good. Pacing of the story and the story itself did not do any justice to them I think and it feels bad bc everyone had so much potential but having a big cast it was obvious that not everyone was getting the attention they deserved Ryuji - good bro and I loved him but the middle part of the game and the constant “we gotta get the girls!” moments were so . . ugh ...  confidant rank and beginning of game ryuji was absolute best though Ann - same goes for her as with ryuji that the beginning of the game was best characterization moment for her. I liked her a lot and she’s pretty bro for female heroine! but the constant fanservice kills me guys Morgana - boy did i dislike morgana for the most of the game. he really felt like teddie 2.0 at times and i just did not have a lot motivation to like him. Last arc of the game tho?? i love morgana??? i wanna cry tbh those parts near the end really resonated with me so my final verdict is that i like morgana a lot now Yusuke - I LOVE THIS BOY. while i get the beef that people have with his recruitment arc (the whole nude modeling thing) I thought it was ok since my interpretation is that he was just pissed and really needed that inspiration he found in ann but idk. otherwise his arc was good but goddamn fuck you atlus for continuously treating him like a weirdo?? PT is supposed to be a gang of misfits and yet even the teammates keep treating him like a weirdo. . that was just really bad like come on  let me kiss yusuke and feed him. also will never forgive atlus for not letting yusuke move into leblanc. He’s a very good character and very level-headed so i love him sm. he has really great moments Makoto - I liked her a lot! i do think she’s a bit overrated and that she doesn’t fit well with PT but I think that’s just the issue with Atlus pacing of the story, because her issues during her recruitment were really good (as in i did feel like she would fit into PT well) Futaba - I LOVE THIS GIRL!! I played with jpn dub which I think does much better justice to her characterization. Her entire arc was so so good and I felt like she was a really solid character going through growth. her confidant was very very good. She has a lot of funny moments and I love her antics with Yusuke. they are the blessed characters of this game. too good for this game. Haru - love her too!!!! she was so nice and sweet but damn atlus did not do her justice at all. she is the “last” party member to join and it is so sad she does not get a lof interaction with PT. like I wish PT interacted with her somehow throughout the game before she joins, be it like help her out sometimes or something bc they go to same school so when she joins later the team dynamic can easily accept her. Goro - we dont talk about goro jk but honestly he was handled bad. his link was automatic and I get why but his initial personality just makes me hate him a lot. he was cool as a party member but not for long. I expect him to appear in spinoffs bc wtf was that ending for him goddamn atlus. i like a lot his potential as a character but everything else? hate Sae was for me quite funny during the interrogation (when you start the confidant parts) but after her casino her involvement in the story I really ended up liking Sae. she’s good Also gonna mention Sojiro bc i love that coffee dad. His dynamic with Futaba and protagonist was extremely good!!! such a solid family. I loved that he finds out the truth and how he handled it. love u sojiro Speaking of protagonist, I really really really wish atlus would ease up on the “silent protagonist” a bit more. for a game as huge as this, the silence does not do justice to the protagonist. idk i just wish there would have been a bit more voice to him and solid characterization other than some off-hand comments that imply the underlying personality. i get the whole “self-insert” part but it sucks stop putting it in games Overall character summary: pacing sucked so characterization suffered a lot. a lot of characters don’t get their time to shine and while I love them a lot it really sucks to see how they were treated. Pacing ruined a lot of things including team dynamic. Palaces: (in chronological order) Kamoshida/Castle - IT SUCKED I HATE IT. being the first freaking dungeon it sure was extremely hard and damn long. also not knowing about the calling car system really hurt lmao. i just hate this dungeon and i got stuck there a lot too Madarame/Art Museum - THE BEST ONE! Honestly I think it is the only palace that really did feel like a heist! It is a very beautiful palace and im probably also biased bc its Yusuke’s arc but this palace was legit fun to get through. Kaneshiro/Bank - it was ok, good music. i don’t really feel much for it and I was just mostly annoyed how long the vault part was. Futaba/Pyramid - I loved it  a lot too! 10/10 music I had a lot of annoyances with coffin shadows and the puzzles for a bit but overall the music and aesthetics really made the palace work well with the story Okumura/Spaceship - we don’t talk about the “lunch break” parts.... overall it was ok and I liked its aesthetic. also the implications about the workers there was good sad material. Sae/Casino - 10/10 music. overall i disliked it a lot bc some of the parts really dragged and I hated gambling in there to progress. Shido/Ship - 10/10 music. overall i liked it / it was ok. the mouse mechanic was a bit fun, the last part being ... 3 boss fights in a row without saving was sure something. 10/10 creepy outside aesthetic of sunken city. Mementos Depths - not to be confused w/ p3/4 style dungeon we know as mementos (which were pretty much mindless fun to progress thru), the depths was ... so good. mostly for the creepy aesthetic 10/10 would suffer again. the music track Freedom and Security, that plays during goro’s bad end credits, plays as the theme for this dungeon and jeez did it make me feel so emo. the parts where you can talk to locked up people who are apathetic to the world just gave me depression and i loved it.. . i didnt really like the later part of it (when tokyo merges with mementos) To rank the palaces overall its:  Art museum > Mementos Depths > Pyramid >> Ruse Cruise > Spaceship > Casino > Bank >>>>>> Castle Gameplay mechanics were very solid and fun. Movement a bit could be clunky (or that’s what i felt like) and stealth mechanic in dungeons was ok. The gameplay has A LOT of attention to detail and i appreciated it a lot. UI was cluttered but it worked and was quite Aesthetic. I think the game would have benefited if the stats weren’t so important to the social aspect or if the calendar system was revamped. Final boss imo was not as bad as P4 but still ... sucked. P3′s final boss fight is still ultimately my favorite. P5 comes close but once again, pacing issues. Protagonist summoning freaking Satanael was cool af though. Honestly my big issue with P5 was the PACING that made the story and characters suck a lot of times but overall the game was extremely solid and memorable.  Of the persona entries i played i think P5 is special so I can’t really rank it. I am really attached to the game despite its heavy flaws that kill me. P3 and P2 are still quite my favorites but P5 is like really close to them so I guess it’s a fave too i love those phantom thieves

[doshmanziari]

The Absent Glories of Drangleic

You know, I was going to write a little piece on how Dark Souls II lacks an ancient grandiosity, and the occasional revealing of an eclipsing gloriousness, that helped to define the landscapes of the first and third games, and then I was like -- wait a minute. That’s... not right. Not really. Your ascent into the Dragon Aerie, and progression from there to the Dragon Shrine, are significant moments. You’ve got Drangleic Castle, of course. Even early on you can enter Heide’s Tower of Flame, apparently resembling Anor Londo (the Mount Olympus of Dark Souls) enough that people posited it was Anor Londo -- further along in some altered, time-worn state (this hypothesis doesn’t work for a variety of reasons, but whatever). Noting these things, I snapped my fingers -- “Damn! Too flimsy.” -- but I wonder if my incorrect thesis makes this more interesting. After all, impressions aren’t entirely dependent upon reality. The consequence is that the question goes from “Why does Dark Souls II lack [X]?” to “Why does Dark Souls II feel like it lacks [X]?”

My last playthrough of Dark Souls II didn’t shake this feeling. It only prompted me to try to be more thorough in considering possible causes. Now, I can make some finicky observations about the aforementioned sites. Perhaps Heide’s Tower doesn’t make an impression because it’s just too small of an area and the level design itself is rather simple-minded, never turning into true spatial drama. Perhaps Drangleic Castle’s dark splendor feels limited because beyond that first impression of a spired castle in the rainy night the interiors are so spartan (just take a look at the throne room; its plainness is almost a joke (you could extend this observation about exteriors/interiors to the Iron Keep as well)). Perhaps. Perhaps. But these explanations somehow feel inadequate.

Fairly sure I had a similar take elsewhere on this blog, saying that, in a way, Dark Souls II feels more entropic than Dark Souls III, even though the latter is set during the series’ apocalypse (oh, yeah, it was here: “...a series-unique cold quietude or unsettling dislocation...”). Describing this as a total positive isn’t so easy, though: if you want to convey environmental degradation, entropy, you can slip right into drudgery and uninspiring ugliness. There’s no magic recipe for avoiding it; it’s just a constant danger. Drangleic’s beleaguered appearance, its scant notable architecture, seems to extend past the game’s own world and charge the developers with ho-hum craft. Even Dark Souls’ Undead Burg had a rough, unexpected beauty in the polychromatic glazed brickwork alone. Dark Souls II’s equivalent by comparison looks... dim and bland, with none of that romanesque grandeur the Boletarian Palace so sternly armed itself with. Right: Demon’s Souls. From the first moment of seeing the Boletarian Palace, you’re awed by the sheer and vast engineering. “Am I really taking that on?” Is scale an issue here? Is it a predilection for composed prospective views that Dark Souls II avoids? Again, a hesitating “Perhaps.” Some people did pick up on the prospective views the DLC trilogy offers (the views are there, I agree; the excitement they generate is where I diverge) and the general absence thereof in other areas.

And so I circle back around to Drangleic’s formal properties. How does it look? What happens when you get closer? Where are its contradistinctions? Ugliness, grotesquery, and dourness have always occupied an important place in these games, presented on their own as solid juxtapositions or inserted among beauty as aesthetic complicators (remember the almost comically gross Rotted Greatwood resting among the Undead Settlement church’s flowering courtyard?). The filth and anonymous makeshift makeup of Dark Souls’ Blighttown -- an iteration of Demon’s Souls’ Valley of Defilement -- are points of contrast and, overall, a suggestion about Lordran’s hierarchical structure, even when occupied by ghouls. Dark Souls II has its own equivalent (and a method or two for fighting against diminished returns) and you can’t ignore that its main access point is a descending shaft set in the middle of the sunset-soaked hamlet of Majula, such a clear staging of romantic beauty. It’s not that Dark Souls II doesn’t go for those contrasts. It’s that they don’t quite feel like contrasts most of the time. It’s a big bunch of middling attempts, and I think the prime culprits might be the art direction’s consistency and technical application. Much like how readings of the game as “dreamlike” don’t work for me, precisely because the environmental misalignments and abrasions aren’t present enough to be convincingly interpreted as a general theme, Dark Souls II’s beauty and grandeur almost never stand out as beautiful or grand enough to let those highs and lows sing, and its ugliness is often hampered by an intrusive technical ugliness, usually taking the form of simply bad texture mapping.

I’m compelled to restate a belief I’ve held a while: Dark Souls II might’ve been better as a PlayStation/low-poly release. As I imagine it, this would’ve freed it from those attempts at glory and grandeur and let it fully express an underlying sour gloominess that Dark Souls and Dark Souls III seem unconcerned with, even among all their morbid curiosities. If you straight-up updated the first three King’s Field games for modern consoles, they would be utter bores (even King’s Field IV suffered a little by being on the PlayStation 2). They work within and with their technical limitations pretty well. Conversely, I think prior attempts to touch up Dark Souls II -- graphical mods and the PlayStation 4 Scholar of the First Sin rerelease -- only draw stronger attention to the very problems that are meant to be solved.

[maclovius]

Year End Thoughts

I know I hardly ever use my tumblr now but quite frankly there’s nowhere else I can write my stupid year end rambles.  Maybe I should start keeping a paper journal! XD;

Anyway I’ll separate this in to two sections under a cut...

First is real life stuff:

I turned 32 this year omg and what did I accomplish?  Honestly nothing much but I did want to brag that I lost about 50 pounds this year.  I cut out all added sugar and most carbs and otherwise did minimal work and that’s what I lost.  I miss sweets like crazy ;.; I have about 30 more pounds to lose before I can be somewhat happy with my weight (and about 30 more after that before I can be really happy but idk about that) so I should really put in some more work.  

Also I went to Canada for the first time!  Part of my family used to live in Canada and I had never been there and I really wanted to go so I’m happy I did.  Niagara Falls was A MA ZING.

My biggest life event that happened this year actually just happened in the last month.  My uncle who’s lived in our house for not only my whole life but his whole life too decided to move out because he can’t handle walking up all the stairs anymore.  I relied on him for a lot of things, like help taking care of my dog, rides to places and borrowing his car.  I’ll miss him and worry about him a lot!  Now I’m paying rent for his apartment.  This right, lived with my parents rent free still >_>

Anyway now that unimportant stuff is out of the way, it’s time for my year in fandom! :D

This year for me was defined by three things: JDrama, Idol Producer and Ebidan.  And then ofc the major theme was I’M SO OLD.  I mean lbr you always feel old like from the time you’re maybe 18?  It’s always like WOW I’M SO OLD NOW.  Like at 20 it’s “They’re so young in high school! I’m so old now.” At 25 “Wow I was actually young when I was 20 but now I’m really actually old, hi quarter life crisis” At 30 “How stupid is it to feel old at 25? You’re still young then!”  I’m fully aware of this cycle but I can’t help it, I know when I’m 40 I’ll think “You wasted your early 30s thinking you were old too.”

ANYWAY I wanted to say that I spent this year truly realizing that I’ve been stuck 10 years in the past.  You might be curious how exactly.  It’s mostly when it comes to ages.  I can joke like crazy about how I can hardly believe that kids born in the 00′s are actually walking around and talking (and omg 18 now) but it really never sunk in to me til this year.  I’ve spent all this time feeling like everyone my little brother’s age or younger are kids and too young to take seriously... but actually my brother turned 28 this year lol  

I’ve always been interested in fandoms where the kids start young and you get to watch them grow, become better and get popular.  Johnnys and figure skating... they’re both like this.  But here’s the thing, I say I like seeing them grow but to me they’re always and forever children!  The Johnnys that I watched grow up are HSJ and JohnnysWEST gen, they’re all in their mid 20s now but to me they’re still kids.  Like even my babies are 22 now.  This year I finally realized that they’re really adults now and I’m just so old that they’re several years younger than me but still adults.  A hard thing for me to wrap my head around! XD

So because of this I was able to finally open my heart up to a new generation... of kids born in... the late 90′s-mid 00′s D: Now I can watch them grow and feel depressingly old when I’m in my 40s and they’re in their mid 20s.

Anyway this feeling started creeping in when I was watching Idol Producer and ppl were calling the 92-94 liners old.  And I was sitting there in disbelief like “OLD?! HOW THE HECK ARE THEY OLD?!” haha.  And then it was like “Yeah I guess they are a little old when it comes to starting out as idols” :/  But really most of my favorites were on the “older” side anyway.  

Then outside of the show I was exposed to a whole new fandom.  The Idol Producer/CIdols (English) fandom is basically a mixture (I feel) of KPop fans and ethnically Chinese ppl who’ve been in to CEnt for a while and now it’s getting it’s time in the sun and both.  Either way both of these groups skew fairly young so going to places where these ppl talked made me feel really out of place.  That was another step in me realizing just how old I am.  I know there are older KPop fans but being so old it’s difficult for me to learn new terminology... like for example calling CMs CFs?  idk I can’t understand lol.  ALSO Chinese fandom is extremely tiring with all the fanwars and only fans and then with the government restrictions and the constant worry that something you were really looking forward to might get cancelled because the government doesn’t approve.

So eventually I retreated in to the safety of JFandom again.  Jdramas were my underlying fandom for most of the year, I started out big in to them and then took a break in the spring and summer for IP stuff but got back in to them in the late summer.  I started watching all of Suda Masaki’s dramas and ended up watching Todome no Kiss which I actually really liked.  I noticed Sano Hayato from M!LK in it and then realized I saw another M!LK kid in something else so I thought I should check out M!LK but checking them out on Youtube led me to SUPER★DRAGON and they’re who I actually like.  I also started liking Choutokkyu and just paying attention to Stardust and Ebidan in general.  Stardust has really invested themselves in to training young talent and it’s going well for them rn and will probably continue to pay off in the future.

Soooo yeah long ass year end rambles.  I don’t think anyone read this and actually I hope no one did lol