#there doesnt always need to be intense adult-child conversation.

[swagging-back-to]

i dont get why people who watch kids are expected to watch them 24/7 by parents who barely watch them for 7 minutes.

i think babysitters should be allowed to sit in the other room while the kids entertain themselves. teachers should be able to sit in the corner doing paperwork while the kids do their thing.

as long as there is an adult present and at least partially attentive to whats happening i truly do not see what the difference is to the parents being there.

oh wait it's just that a lot of parents refuse to admit any fault in themselves and hold everyone else to extremely high standards so they have someone to blame their child's failings on :)

[bogusavathepit]

The Cullens Were Bella’s New Lease on Life

This is a literary thesis, argument, theory (not really), and not confirmed by Meyer whatsoever—>all from me analyzing the written parts of Twilight franchise.

Was a past post, now rewritten because I changed my mind.

Sources

The Twilight Guide

All the Twi Books Meyer wrote except Life and Death because that doesn’t count

Britannica entry on Romanticism

The Church of Latter Day Saints’ website (which are somewhere down below. I’m lazy.) defining the “natural man” tenet/principle

Bella’s History

A)

For Bella, I saw her as distancing herself from most people because of all this and learning to be polite but not…."free”, unless it is to help people out. And even then, to use as emphasis on a sarcastically/logically-made argument.

Bella is an only child; her mom appears to have been a little self absorbed, excitable and very easily distracted as a parent. She appears to have wanted to hang out with Bella, but Bella needed up being the more practical and responsible person of the two, making sure Renee didnt so things that she didnt prepare for enough and get herself in inconvenient or painful situations. Charlie loves Bella, but for most of her life he wasn’t there due to the physical distance. When Bella arrives in Forks, Charlie seems more concerned with giving her the space she needs so that she doesn’t bounce out on him like Renee did. So there is an emotional gap b/t her and Charlie that does narrow a little during her time in Forks, but never really gets as intimate as a dad going to the mall with his teenage daughter. Bella also has lived like a ln adult for most of her life already by taking care of Renee, so she doesn't want to have what she calls a "helicopter parent". The two seem to prefer showing how much they care through actions, like how Charlie put the snow chains on Bella's truck and Bella feeding him.

That could also be because Bella herself is just a more indoors, homebody kind of gal and Renee clearly isn’t. However, the image we get is Bella doing more what Renee desires than vice versa because Renee is a lot more active and exploitative than Bella is without having in-depth conversations.

I can understand why canon Bella wasn’t so “free” or didn’t think to talk about herself without someone asking her directly to talk about her and her mom going antiquing with, say, Angela, if not someone like Jessica.

Bella, as a person who has largely taken care of her own emotions, disciplined herself in various ways that aren’t disclosed but suggested by her family history and has been doing more things for others with others more often than doing things that she may enjoy. As we hear more of her doing stuff her mom wants to do (or making sure she doesnt hurt herself) than her mom spontaneously doing things that Bella may want to do.

The love is certainly there, but not the compatibility.

And Renee seems ill-fated for the deep emotional investment that is parenthood and its many moments of intensive or persuasive emotional engagements with the mentally developing child. Renee's effort consisted of her doing fun stuff with Bella, but not enough of understanding Bella. And she didnt seem to want to expend the effort or energy to assess Bella's values and mindset apart for. Bella being a 30 year old in a teenage body (from her pserspective).

B)

Being alone like that might have allowed Bella to develop a dislike of most personal, casual interaction and unconsciously seek out more passionate, thrilling relationships through what she has learned are the meaningful ones–through literature. But that seeking out can be, and here, was also ultimately futile when she both doesn’t know how to and doesn’t really want to maintain human relationships– past or present.

It’s kind of a Catch-22.

C)

So Bella seemed to always have been emotionally isolated and leaning towards the melancholic. A lot of idealizations appealed to her because they showed her realities where there was more psychological mobility. I mean that she could witness "the freed spirit" through literature.

For us to know more about her outside of her, there needs to be more “shows” of:

current depression/extreme melancholy in a gradual progression in her past

flashbacks to her interactions with her mom and maybe Phil

past interactions with her Phoenix “friends”

But Bella/Meyer don’t deem Bella’s personal history as worth getting more in depth with as much as what it serves for the "meat" of the story: as her pursuit of loving Edward forever that will (to her) make up for that suggested lacking in her history.

Partially because Bella seems a more “look to the future” type of person that doesn’t want to dwell too much about uncomfortable things of the past. Partially because, frankly, the Twilight novels are YA novels that are supposed to also capture the attention of teens and younger adults and were created with a very simple but effective plotline.

It appears Meyer chose to just tell her story and entertain more than engage her readers.

The Cullens’ Appeal

I think that Meyer uses a reframed archetype of the familiar non-biological family unit to generate more substance of significance for the main romance.

She allowed the Cullens to exist as a “family”, told us that they were a family, and uses their familial-ness as a huge part of Edward’s desirability as Bella’s love interest to Bella herself. With the context of Bella’s background, it makes sense to see why Bella would be so attracted to a life with Edward, besides the fact that he is hot and (superficially) reminiscent of the romantic heroes she read.

A History/Cultural Overview (European)

A) Romantic Heroes and Edward as One

The Romantic heroes and brooding men in 18th century poetry and novels are particularly broody because they try to resist against growing urbanization and societal compulsion that moves to compress the human being–as they and their authors saw it–into just a creature that is a tool of that urbanization or a tool of class maintenance. Which then has some ties to animality, since animals were thought of as more like tools than friends, especially by the lower classes and laborers. The richer you were, the more likely you saw certain cats and dogs as more status symbols and/or friends. Having an animal is and has been a luxury item as well as a tool.

But more importantly, Romanticism as a cultural movement: 

emphasized the individual, the subjective, the irrational, the imaginative, the personal, the spontaneous, the emotional, the visionary, and the transcendental” even as it also “can be seen as a rejection of the precepts of order, calm, harmony, balance, idealization, and rationality (Britannica).

Edward is an archetypal Romantic hero in that he struggles to not become so much a “slave” to his predatory instincts like other vampires who have embraced or accepted and became thus “weak” for not being able to control or resist their urges. Edward wants to see himself as a good person, and has a lot of inner conflicts and feelings about what a good person is without them being actually devoted to the goal himself, rather wanting to be good for someone her loves and looks up to---Carlisle. (Which then actually separates him from the typical Romantic hero, that he is doing and feeling this way not for humans or something compassionate towards humans but for his personal connection to his “savior”.) This struggle comes out as the angst we all know and love.

Specifically, though, in that he becomes a danger and monster towards humans, coming from Carlisle’s philosophy. However, Edward, while having some regard for (what he deems good humans, b/c we all remember when he hunted down the perverse and evil, which tells us he thinks about who deserves death and who doesn’t) humans by not wanting to hunt them as if they were just food, doesn’t have the same kind of altruism towards humans as his adoptive father. In Midnight Sun, his first interaction with Bella’s scent shows that he is more concerned with proving his ability to control himself (strength) and protect his family from harm (Volturi) [sic]. He takes it very personally, seeing his need/strong instinct to kill Bella as weakness after years of good control/resistance.

Edward’s idea about what vampirism is a lot more repressive than Carlisle’s: vampirism completely takes away the soul and vampires are doomed to never be close to God because of it–but he still feels like he needs to make up for & justify his vampiric existence by controlling his vampiric actions. Which also comes out as him needing to feel in control of all his own actions as well as use his abilities to protect others whom he loves at all times in the bid of doing good with those abilities. 

Making “use” of himself so that he “deserves” his family. It manifests amorally, ironically, like when he breaks Bella’s car in Eclipse. 

B) The European Noblewoman, or Just Medieval/Renaissance Women

For centuries in medieval and early modern Europe, the new/marriage family (legally and socially conceived) became the only or main means of support for the new wife/lady since she is supposed to bear the next generation of that family, i.e. her husband’s heirs. 

Her children--unless agreed by the parties before marriage and time/location-- were not her heirs. A woman didn’t inherit anything that was her own (that wasn’t able to become her husband’s) unless the laws were different depending on time/location or more likely the parties’ agreement before the marriage. (Said parties could be the parents of either/both, one of the to-be-wed, or their legal guardians/protectors).

Note that a man’s children, no matter the time/location/parties involved, were always his and his family’s heirs.

However, marriage was also the only available respectable/the least risky/most socially accepted/legally supported means a woman of any class used for social mobility, political power, and basic economic support.

If a noble lady, or really any woman, married into a more prominent family or a family that had higher status than her own (the latter not commonly happening), her own status rose and that of her birth family rise, too. If she married a richer family that also happened to be prominent, then she had both a higher status and even more wealth and power. If the new family were just rich (not nobles, but this didn’t happen often because status and lineage was more important) the finances are good, her status wouldn’t become higher…unless her husband had good connections. And she had more access to resources for herself or her children (connections to the Pope or an archbishop through bloodlines and shady deals for a more extreme example).

Even though it was understood that after marriage she didn’t legally “belong” to her birth family anymore, her birth family did benefit from her marrying up. They’d get a hefty dowry, an elevated social status, and a bloodline connection to the prominent family and/or future wealth through any and all the male heirs produced– for their own enterprises. History reports a lot of maternal uncles using their nephews and nieces to secure resources.

C) Bella is a Noblewoman, or Wants to Be One

A.

Unlike the medieval lady, Bella can choose for herself because she is part of the 2000s where women have a lot more legal personal freedoms and where more women don’t have to bank most of their power on their husband’s social/economic status.

However, while Bella did choose to be a vampire totally on her own–before the Volturi even knew she existed–to be with Edward, the story portrays the Cullens  as “perfect” and impressive heavily through their wealth, material possessions, and their European features. We can say that the Cullens are very much a figurative noble family that Bella-the-seeking-woman wants to be a part of, impressed by their perfection.

In the face of her history with her taking care of her mom and the distance she has with her father, I think Bella very much wants the emotional security that comes from that feeling of becoming “perfect”:

that she won't have to worry anymore about not being able to care and protect her loved ones with her vampire abilities and Cullen resources/wealth

AND

them not being able to take care of themselves without her having to put so much of herself "away".

(All this is how I read how Bella subconsciously feels through her thoughts and actions towards Renee, Edward, sometimes Jacob, Carlie, and even random persons she dowsnt have an intimate bond with.)

B.

Whatever we might say of Bella and Edward, she enjoys the feelings of euphoria she has when she is with Edward over with pretty much anyone else, which translates into her wanting to feel that way forever by being with Edward forever as a vampire. 

She also experiences a lot of doubt, because (by Twilight) she knows it won’t last without vampirism and (by Eclipse) Edward left her once before, even though he said that he loved her. 

Edward leaving had left her in a state of emotional deprivation like that of a withdrawal state, which is the whole of New Moon.

C.

As a vampire, Bella also has the ability and option to protect herself and those she loves without being in the kind of danger that a normal human is in. Not just  from vampires but from the entire world. Vampirism is a tempting state of being after all–all that power…

I tend to think of Bella’s mobility into a new family as more “noble lady”-like.

The Set Up:

The Cullens are figured as an elite group and “the best” examples of personhood through their money and their looks. Which is a very American, purity-model, white, middle class ideals type image.

They are an incredibly powerful group of vampires just by their strong personalities, their invulnerable skin, fast reflexes, etc.

Like DC superheroes, they are still practically invulnerable, but different in that they are supposed to recognize that their powers and comfort don’t allow them to consider others’ lives/selves as immaterial in comparison to their own. “Humans are people”.  Even if it hurts them physically or majorally inconvenices them by hunting animals.

Each of the Cullens perceived themselves as missing something essential to their happiness/happier/innocent past, having lost it to a predatory reality/present: being a vampire that is capable of murdering people quite easily and only being capable of being/doing that. (Except Alice, but even then she goes on a trip to know more about her human past after James dies.)

Twilight Vampires, I think, generally tend to eat humans to enjoy the way the blood makes them physically stronger and the way human blood relieves their pain.

In the story, Bella also perceives the Cullens as this unit of people who choose to stay together for the relative peace that vegetarianism allows them (for different reasons).

One could read Bella as just seeing all of the Cullens as doing it the veggie way because she believes that they all respect human life like Carlisle…except for maybe Jasper.

I tend to believe that Bella sees the Cullens as people finding ways to not feel shitty about their vampirism (killing people), be content with the aftermath of their tragic origins that have exiled them from humanity, and finally doing that while also being forever on the outskirts of human society. Their devotion to something that seems futile is admirative and strange to her because she obviously admires them for sticking to their choice despite the physical and emotional pain that comes with denying their urges. 

Here is where Meyer’s Christianity/Mormonism comes in. Doing something that cause you great pain or putting in a lot of effort to be “better” without ever directly seeing or witnessing the whole reward or progression. You do it anyway because you do not want to be “bad” or be a lesser version of yourself that is a “slave” to your instincts. It is also definitely a call back to Mormonism’s “natural man” phenomenon/principle (LINK 1 and LINK 2), which is:

Simply stated, the natural man is the man who remains in his fallen condition; he has not experienced a rebirth. At the one end of the spectrum, the natural man may be a person bent on lasciviousness; he may be one who loves Satan more than God and thereby is carnal, sensual, and devilish.

AND

A person who chooses to be influenced by the passions, desires, appetites, and senses of the flesh rather than by the promptings of the Holy Spirit. Such a person can comprehend physical things but not spiritual things.

The events of Twilight happen and Bella sees the Cullens as a chance at something better and with less responsibility. Or a life that has a lot more passion and autonomy/power in store for her. 

This doesn't mean that we would look at "regular" vampires as literally the people who will be burned in a heaven that defintely exists in the Twilight universe. Or that the existence of the inspiration from a specific religious principle must close us off from seeing the emotional value of what it means to be constantly trying not to be the worst and most dangerous of ourselves, to not let that consume you and turn into a "monster". We can acknowledge how religious institutions create unbalanced measures of worth, dependency, hierarchies, etc. AND also see where in the ideas presented appeals to a need we have while ALSO analyzing why it is the way it is, take what works and throw away what doesn't.

Though she might perceive that Jasper isn’t in it for respecting humans, Bella is willing to join the family/coven for the reasons listed above just for herself. Jasper, also, is still part of the unit, which is what is being sought out--the unit and its unity under this singular altruistic and self-beating goal.

And seeing as how she’s used to looking after herself, she’s got this determination to fulfill that desire and satisfy her emotional craving for security and power.

D.

The Cullens’ impressiveness/nobility also comes from their suffering to be as philosophically “human” as possible or retain whatever identity they chose to ground themselves in their vampire monotony/confusion.

The theme of suffering to be oneself or to overcome the suffering of "horrifying aspects" of oneself would be another reason why they are attractive to someone like Bella, the Romantic.

A Modern View (U.S.-Based)

“Found“ Family

While we can see some parallels to the noblewoman and a metaphorical aristocracy, there is also this sense of Bella finding a “true” identity in becoming a vampire and finding a family where she can finally be both her realest and her best self.

A)

Bella came from a household that, no matter how much Renee loved her, was seriously lacking in involved care to the point where she had to pick up most of the slack for herself. When you are tasked with that sort of self-maintainance and self disciplining from a very young age, you grow up a little too fast and faster than the rest of your peers. 

So, I think Bella has had to dwell in a psychological, unmutual feedback-less or feedback loop all of her life before she met the Cullens/Edward. 

She developed most of her values apart from Renee (other then the marriage thing) so that in itself creates even more emotional distance, which might unconsciously feel like you are creating your own isolation and you are wholly to blame for your own misery, when that might be an overestimation of your capabilities.

But she continues to define her boundaries and keep to her values despite what others might think and what she herself questioned in Eclipse–because she knows what she needs/wants. There is little to no hesitation from her when it comes to the validity of her desires.

So, Bella gets what she doesn’t have from her mom and the larger human populace–connection or purpose–and she finds that necessary ingredient of community in the Cullens. And it doesn’t have to be a bad thing, though it’s certainly not completely positive or purely wholesome. 

B)

Bella is not just slightly or majorly depressed. She’s a semi-melancholy character. She is just emotionally detached from (not just the “other girls”, even if that is it as well) just about every single person around her, including Edward. 

And that is because she, unlike other people, shows herself to be attracted to the strange, the uncanny, the supernatural–things that are not normal or human or familiar. Because she, being so emotionally isolated, is herself a kind an outcast. Kinda ofd her own volition but also not.

Bella also shows herself to be resilient, which debatedly comes from her being so on her own.

Now I know what many people say and have said: How is she strong or resilient, she went into full shut down mode after Edward left and has put herself in dangerous situations just to feel his prescence again?!

Let’s try to break it down. 

Bella is in love with Edward in a way that has her feel the highest of emotional highs. When he leaves, she is in the lowest of lows. As a person who is used to taking care of their own emotions and inner dynamics, she would of course shut down when the source of her most intense feelings disappears. 

Strength is not defined by not ever falling down when you’re hit, but by how and if you stick to getting up. Which if she really was totally weak, she would have offed herself long ago. (She does have suicidal thoughts, but I don't think Meyer would have let her actually try to kill herself.)

It’s also knowing what you can and cannot deal with and doing all you can to do the things that keep you afloat. Knowing your own limits (the strongest and defining ones) and knowing yourself. Despite what others say you should be doing. I’d define all of this as resilience. 

And in New Moon, we witness Bella acknowledge that Edward was her “best”, try to keep him close as she reaches out to things that make her feel more alive (choosing to cling to the hallucinations, Jacob, and their bike), all the while knowing that this is what she needed in those moments to at least drag herself to that place where she might actually heal. 

Strength is not a result, it is a process and an continuous decision.

In other words, Bella (though a white girl) is a type of psychological “survivor”, or a survivor resisting against those things that do not condone or accept the strange.....which is then manifested in her gift. 

And the entire Twilight series is built up of characters who have gone through some sort or degree of emotional, physical, etc. turmoil, or have been victimized or suffocated and have gotten a new lease on life through vampirism.

Most of what I am saying is more eloquently stated by @volturialice in a reblog of a post by @ opinionatedtwihard:

you’re [@opinionatedtwihard] so right that the fantasy of twilight (and the cullen kids in particular) is about resilience, it’s about not letting pain and suffering define you, it’s about seeing teenagers get to experience that!

I can’t speak for everyone, but to me the power fantasy of twilight vampires, and the cullens especially, was always about second chances.

AND

to me as a reader growing up? it was really powerful to see people who should have been victims become survivors instead. it was a story about survival and hope.

and not only do the cullens survive, but they get new opportunities (this is where the fantasy of obscene wealth comes in.)

AND

now of course there’s a huge caveat here in that we only see a certain type of ~white anglo-american~ person get those second chances and opportunities. that’s where the fantasy falls through for a lot of people, and understandably so. but that I think is why some of us find it so powerful to reimagine/racebend the cullens and other vampire characters—it’s about opening that fantasy up to people who should have been included in the first place.

I also think it’s notable that the cullens get chosen at random, or near-random, or as a cinderelle-esque reward for intrinsic goodness—something their creator sees in them that no one else did (also a power fantasy—someone else seeing your inner worth when even you don’t see it!)

AND

not just the cullens, but so many of the vampire characters in twilight are all people who should have lived short, unremarkable lives and died tragic, brutal deaths. but instead they LIVE and become powerful immortal beings with every opportunity imaginable.

This is why Bella’s journey and the Twilight saga as a whole is so reminiscent of fairytales to some people! It’s not that they mimic the plot of any specific fairytale, but that there is the fear of losing a “self” by “outliving” oneself and all that you can be, because what you can be is also what you already are and what you are capable of becoming. 

Part of self-development is acknowledging who you are at the moment as well as knowing the patterns of traits and desires you hold. Finding out what comes easy or difficult to you. And you may feel that some things are just impossible. Teenagers often feel that fear of missing out on themselves or being able to get through something oppressive, traumatic, etc.

Twilight offers you a fantasy where you have the chance to reinvent yourself after having suffered that tumultuous uncertainty. Like other vampire stories, Twilight offers a power fantasy.

EDIT (5/8/22) However, we may depart in a myriad of ways of how this applies to Bella when we see her seemingly liking her humanity and how she feels about Jacob, hurting herself and Edward by the end of Eclipse. 

How do we come to terms with Bella’s (not our own) self hatred and feeling of inadequacy? Twilight doesn't offer a "solution", you just get to experience it through the character and for many people that in itself is enjoyable bc it is an acknowledgement of present feelings you can't express in your mundane lives.

C)

So, we can definitely say that Bella has entered the high life in becoming a Cullen, but we may also say that she is supposed to have found a more freedom with people she can more easily identify with

Which in its most basic sense seems to mirror the phenomenon of queer persons finding their own “found” families outside of their original biological ones.

Where they can properly grow into better and realer versions of themselves, and leave behind those self limiting constructions they had to hide behind, or make more suffocating “masks” to pass through life without “exposed” as repulsive. For the sake of belonging, safety, and/or self-promotion (the last I mean by career growth or other sorts of ambition/purpose-finding).

.....EDIT (5/8/22) However, do we truly see Bella find self love when she is human or when she is a vampire?

Conclusion

To a lot of readers, Edward wasn’t/isn’t as desirable without his and the Cullens’ personal turmoils that invite the possibility of Bella’s metamorphosis into being someone “better” or “important” and powerful. 

She was in love with him--the guy--but narratively she is also in love with having a “proper” family.

This turmoil comes from the contradictory natures of:

vampirism, just as a cultural/philosophical concept of taking this one thing for one’s strength and being powerful–>yet also becoming very dependent on it–>themes of helplessness and…..addiction which goes to Meyer

Twilight vampirism (against being so powerful, overly so maybe and yet because of that power being capable of losing complete control of self)

the contradictions between the veggie vamps’ belief about their motivations for vegetarianism versus what is suggestively shown to be their motivations (text vs subtext)—–>even the suspicion that that only Carlisle is truly behind vegetarianism for the morality for it. Are the Cullens really united, emotionally and spiritually?

Edward’s need to prove himself “good” in the face of his never believing so but trying anyway

So, the appeal of Bella and Edward’s story is that it is a romance where the girl goes through an emotional and psychological transformation that she “needed”/yearned for, devoting her self to those that have the means of changing her life. As she thinks and as Meyer makes it by BD.

.....EDIT (5/8/22) Because after reading New Moon and Eclipse, it gets clearer that Bella saw her actions against her, Edward’s and Jacob’s happiness as wel as how, in BD, how she started to appreciate human living a little. Could she have appreciated how she had to leave Charlie and her entire human life, and thus, like sex with Edward, thought to stay human longer and simultaneously learn to love herself as a human first, a powerful being that could live with Edward forever second?

While we definitely draw characters and stories from real life dynamics and philosophies, we also have to understand that this is a narrative designed to be a very specific thing to a singular person’s discretion. Everything comes from Meyer’s way of observing the world around her since her childhood, so we can look at her, study her works, and see what we should “keep” and what deserves the bin, because we can literally see that it is from a fallible, faulty way of thinking. If anything, I felt it easier to confront Twilight’s bullshit setups and moments with it being so brazen to be shown as they were.

Like imprinting and that fucking vampires-lose-all-their-skin-color bullshit.

Personally, I’m fine “trolling”/defying Twilight and Meyer by making POC vampires who don’t lose their skin color and only letting white vampires become pale. 

Like countless others have said before, this is an aspect that reflects more on a white middle aged of young mom aged woman than a teenage girl.

[sagittariusboyfriend]

lmao oh man. ok ive been talking to a guy who from the start knew i wasnt interested in any romantic stuff - i told him up front, he told me he wasnt either. cool cool. so we met for a coffee and yeah im not attracted to him, but he is intellectually stimulating u know. like where you can have many hours of conversation because hes really communicative and blunt and honest and has a very different view on life than me etc. which i like about him. i learn so much from direct opposites. we become friends. well, flirty friends, but honestly he is the only one doing the flirting during this entire time. ive been very specific not to as to not send any mixed signals, and have had to dodge some straight-forward sexual stuff a few times. not at all because i dont want to talk sex, we have absolutely talked sex, but not with each other, and i just really dont want him to think im attracted.

however he turned out to be a pretty... petty and unchill person. at times, anyway. as i said i like talking to him and do so quite often, or did so anyway, up until recently. a while ago he started to get very contrarian, like, edgy? rude, but at first in a playful way. i dont have a problem with rude when its in a playful/comunicative way, im amused by that and i indulge in dishing it back playfully from time to time. but it was very obvious he was doing it because i mentioned i was into "rude" guys, maybe once, when we were talking about my former love interests. and by rude i definitely dont mean as in someone whos all high and mighty, self-entitled, or stuff like personal attacks, im talking about a kind of humor, or in a charming, charismatic and mischievous way. and maybe that is my fault for not specifying what that actually meant, idk. its still kind of strange completely rearranging your personality based on something i said once, you know? it all felt very contrived to me.

but anyway, he also started to get pissed off that i would see my friends but couldnt see him (he lives in a different city...) and about how i could afford to go drink beer with my friends and not drink tea at his place (he also doesnt drink and, again, lives in a different city) and im like... ok first, im not even that into you in comparison, i will always pick my friends over others, i prioritize my money (i am by NO MEANS wealthy omfg) the way i want and on what is proportional to what i get out of the experience. im not going to put out a lot of money on a train ticket to sit at home with you, a guy ive met in public ONCE, when i have all of my biggest friend groups in this city, here, where i live, and we enjoy drinking beer, watching soccer, going to the beach, hanging out in parks, having game nights and hosting and going to parties etc etc. heck yes im going to spend my last money on being with them. and i have told him this, and also that if i had more of a disposable income right now i would obviously be freer to do whatever. ive never been against going to his place to hang out and not having it involve any alcohol, thats all cool, but right now i just cant afford it, and i would prefer to hang out in public some more. but hes not into my scene, so what am i gonna do. and i dont think its strange to think like, i know my last bucks will get me two beers at the cheapest bar, but two beers are still not the price of a (one-way) train ticket. but he just... gets mad about it. in a very childish way. and i keep a very open an honest discussion with him, and most of the time he gets it. hes not dumb or socially awkward, i know hes not, but hes kind of... hard to deal with, i guess is the right word, when there is a personal relationship. in a not so charming way. where he can come off as uncertain, distristful(!) and a bit egocentrical. a classic "ive been hurt by hierarchy for most of my life so now im always on high alert and im going to be as obtuse and snarky as possible so i can feel like i have some sort of control and i WILL take up space and society WILL give me what i feel ive been cheated of my entire life also emotionally im a scared child and really really need validation but im never ever going to admit that". most of the time hes not, but when he started "demanding" to know why i couldnt hang out, or what my expenses were(!!) i immediately got turned off. having to motivate or explain your life and choices to a person youve met once and that you, sure, appreciate, but that you dont really know? no thanks. people not trusting me or my reasons makes me angry, because i put so much value in honesty, so i got angry at him (which is VERY not my character). and he kind of took a step back.

we havent spoken as intensely since then, maybe two weeks ago, and i honestly dont mind except for i like to write and communicate with a lot of people about a lot of stuff to keep myself occupied and he is now one less person to do that with i guess. but now he casually struck up a convo on my snapchat on a post "where i looked hot". i was like heh thanks! and he went on saying "i need to remind myself of how good-looking you are sometimes... kind of stupid actually"

so im like... uhuh... why would you need to remind yourself of that? already finding it a bit cringey

and he says "because i forget about you? xD"

aaaand im rolling my eyes trying not to gag. he is obviously looking for a reaction and im like wtf are we 15

then he fucking says, all philosophical like: "sometimes we need to be reminded why we start talking to/hitting on someone in the first place" and i was just like...... ok stop... what a fucking backhanded compliment. that actually was you telling me that i havent been paying attention to you that much and you want my attention.

god.

again, so turned off by this kind of personality. and i dont mean that only sexually, i mean... i dont think we can be friends, man. youre acting kinda gross. "we" as in, people of the earth, dont need to be reminded of that. that is not a universal truth. this is cringyness, a wounded ego on a high horse.

idk maybe he was trying to be nice or trying to say hes sorry because he was out of line earlier, but i genuinely dont think he thinks so himself, but... ugh. i am not into this. i am not into him. i have been doing my best not to string him along by the way, by being veeeery open about the fact that i sleep with different people, and not just guys, and that i like being single right now and that i have many issues to take care of and heal, so i hope he doesnt feel like ive been doing that to him for some reason.

im just very over this guy. i basically answered him that it sounded more like a backhanded compliment than anything else and that i know ive been bad at ~paying attention~ to him in that way lately, and that im aware of that because im just not interested in paying that kind of attention to anyone at all right now. lets see what his response is. i bet on either a douche guy "lmao ok i was just giving you a compliment chill" or a niceguy/neckbeard "wow youre not better than me". or perhaps hell be an adult about it. i feel like i do have some faith in him still.

but jesus christ the cringe

update: this was a while ago and i dont remember what he answered but it surprisingly wasnt any of the above. we stopped talking for a few months tho and now im in love with a gorgeous person that i recently became exclusive with. this guy is still someone i talk to now and then on snapchat. he semi-regularly drops compliments on my selfies and i guess thats just fine, but his snaps are very very bitter and sometimes i can tell he wants to get my attention. 🤷‍♂️