#there are some people who cant ever get therapy for safety reasons and who dont want to and that should be respected

[factual-fantasy]

28 Asks! :DD Thank you!! :}} 🛒

@raven-bearden-the-interviewer42

She met Seafoam when she rescued his ship from a great storm out at sea. :00

She brought the ship to safety and the next morning Seafoam crawls out into the deck and pulls himself over the railing to look around. All bruised and cracked from being thrown about the ship all night <XDD

That's when their eyes meet.. she tells Seafoam the story of how she saved his ship. And Seafoam is endlessly grateful! He was so kind and genuine.. 💞

@starz-nova

XDD Thank you!! :DD I'm glad you like it! :}}

@holly-opal (Link in ask)

I have not, but I know of it! :00 A friend of mine loves it and has recommended it to me. I've always considered reading it but never got around to it <XDD

A lot of people commented that he looks a lot like Davy Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean, so I imagine yes! <XDD

He might be happy to find someone that looks similar to him! :DD Though he probably wouldn't approach her.

If he saw someone like that, it'd be on shore. And if he's on shore? He's with his crew. Which means he's got a lot of people too keep track of and protect- he has no time to get distracted by interesting ladies! XDD

@sussyhahag

Man I've put one some weight-- XDD

But thank you! I'm sure Grim and "Gengar me" would be great friends :}}}

@beryl-shade

I could! :DD Maybe he'd be another pirate, they could call him "Tack" for short! :}}

While I imagine she'd love to help out in that way, I imagine Seafoam tends to his own laundry XD

@neo-metalscottic (Gerald's one year in question)

Thank you so much!! :DD The other comic is almost done and I'm hoping to post it soon! I've just had a few rough days with my health so Its not coming out as fast as I'd hope.. 😅 That, and I've been a bit mentally preoccupied daydreaming about web comic ideas.. 😞

As for Morton, I think his skin color will be a simple case of melanism! Nothing too crazy or magical there! <XDD As for his name and how he talks, I think its a reasonable idea that he would be named after a previous king! :0 Perhaps a previous king who had melanism as well..? 👀 Who knows XD

Though with his voice, I cant imagine him talking all "hulk" like. Since he's a part of the royal family he would have access to only the best education and speech therapy (if needed-). So the likelihood of any of the Koopalings having speech problems or talking "hulk" like would be low 😅 though that's not to say that out of all his siblings, he leans towards that type of speech the most! :00

As for Kammy and Kamek, she's not nearly as old as him. I was thinking Kamek is hundreds of years old, while Kammy is the Koopa equivalent of like... 60-70? She was brought into the koopa palace to be a nanny/maid. Her power is different from Kamek's, though I haven't figured out all the specifics yet.. I guess it can be said that when it comes to magic, they both studied and mastered different things.

Now if she ever faced Kamek in combat? He would flatten her. There is no Magikoopa alive today that can compare to Kamek's power..

...Doesn't mean she's afraid to get on his nerves though XDD She loves to mess with him, knowing that he's not allowed to hurt her.🤪

And lastly, its interesting to hear about the Vehicons getting some more originality! :00 My favorite out of those 3 would have to be the red one :}}

AWE! Thank you so much!! :DD I'm honored!! :}}}

@unicornfpotatoesdir

Nah, he's always gonna be littol! XDD And thank you!! :}}

@milk-powrit

My first instinct was no.. since Jangles is like 2.5-3 feet tall and I always imagined sans to be 4.5-5 feet tall. But google says sans 2 feet tall??? XDD If we're going by Googles standards then yeah Jangles is taller- but my heart dont want to believe he's that short 🤣💀

As for the 20k post, Jangles wasn't holding anything other than Gerald.. so I assume you meant this post..? <:0 If so, its a granola bar! Its been most if my diet recently so I imagine I had a few extra lying around for Jangles <XDD

@snailfen

So far I really like it!! :DD Better than Sword and Shield imo that's for sure <XDD

I do not. <:/ But you can find all my Pokémon stuff under #pokemon scarlet and violet or #pokemon in my blogs search bar! <:D

@lathan-chillyfilm

Funky lookin guy, I like him! XDD

@tallchest13-blog

*Cici tugs at my arm

"......so you gonna drink that-" XDD Thank you!

Thank you so much!! :DD I've got my hopes back up recently, hoping I'm over all this soon! :}} 🤞🤞

@yourstrulylightstar283

Awe, thank you!! :}}}

Oh yeah, after the wars all said and done? I'm sure he's pull back on that extreme and get some repairs done 🥺

@mimiocto

You know to be honest, Grim is very dangerous becuase his brother is a Sylveon. XDD If I remember correctly, V is higher level than Grim in the game. Dragon types better watch out! XDD

Oh hey! I've seen that guy around! I used to think he was Shockwave <XDD And he appears to be an Autobot?? With how Chaotic he is in fanart I thought he was a Decepticon-💀

But anyways- yes! With the fanart I've seen of him, I think him and Bash would be great friends XDD

@artblock200322022

Thank you! I'm glad you liked those comics! :DD

Though at the moment, I don't have plans to jump back into that fandom anytime soon. <:/ I've have some uncomfortable experiences with the Octonauts fandom recently so I'm taking a bit of a break for now-

@bee-the-inevitable-death

I don't see a reason to go through the effort to maintain an account on another website. <:0 I have all my inside jokes, my follower celebrations and all my followers right here in one place! Its much nicer :}

Awe! Thank you so much!! :DDD I'm glad :}}}}

@pink088

Nah its fiiiiine dw! As long as I have the bandages on the blood will stay in my hands surly :}} but thank you for the tea! :D

(Referencing this post)

XDD Are we sure it wasn't [M]ango?

Daaannngg.... Homestuck is way bigger than I thought-

@snailshard

That looks beautiful!! :DD And thank you! :}}

[thoradvice]

tw depressive thoughts, suicidal ideation, conversoin therapy mention, homophobia, death, anxiety, panic attacks, overdose

//

//

hey thor, if you could please tag this with those and more that you see fit, i wouldn't want to trigger anyone, thank you.

but i've been struggling the past year with a lot. i'm bisexual, and my parents are extremely homophobic and i dont doubt that they would send me to conversation therapy if given the chance. my papa, the only person i truly ever think loved me, passed away four days before my birthday in september. my anxiety attacks have worsened so much that i get them when i get below a 85 on an assignment. i have to take care of my two little brothers almost entirely by myself. my mother couldn't give a shit about me and i haven't seen my dad since he found out my mom was pregnant with another mans baby. that was two months ago.

i'm only 15, but i dont wanna be here anymore. the only reason i haven't done anything yet is because of my little brothers. they're the only thing keeping me here. i hate myself. i'm the spitting image of my mother and i cant stand to look myself in the mirror. all i see is her screaming at me, telling me i'm worthless and i don't deserve to be here in anymore. i held a bottle of the strongest medicine in the cabinet this morning, and i was so close to locking the door and taking them. i don't know why i sent this in, but i feel like i've talked so much to my mutuals on here and at this point i'm boring them, like they dont care anymore.

im going back to my therapist in a couple weeks, and i have a feeling i'll be put back on my meds. i just want this feeling to go away. i dont want to feel like this anymore. i want to be there for my little brothers and my soon-to-be little sister. i want them to see me as their strong older sister, not the girl who cant go three hours without crying.

i want to get better, but i don't know how to do that thor.

hi there, honey. i’m so so beyond sorry that you feel like this. please know that you deserve so much better. you deserve loving, accepting parents. you deserve a happy life. you deserve to feel good. i’m also gonna take this one point at a time, and give advice on each, because i think that way i’ll be able to give the most in-depth help.

it’s hard to deal with homophobic parents. it really is. but you don’t owe them your sexuality. you never have to tell them, especially if your safety is threatened. i know how hard it is to be closeted and to know that your parents won’t & don’t support you. but there is so much more than your parents. you will meet so many people who love, accept and support you for who you are, no matter what. i’m a huge believer in found family, and i believe that you can find your family. know that you’re not wrong. your feelings aren’t wrong. you will never be perverted or bad or gross for being bisexual. it’s so much more than okay to be bi. your sexuality is beautiful.

your mother is wrong. so so wrong. you’re worth so much. you’re a living, breathing person. that alone gives you so much inherent worth. nothing and nobody, including your mom, can ever take that away from you. there’s nothing that you or anyone else can do that will ever make you worthless and anything less than a person who deserves the best that life has to offer. you may look like your mother, but that doesn’t make you like her. from this ask alone, i can tell that you’re a loving, caring and strong individual. your mom seems the opposite. 

you do deserve to be here. so so much. you deserve so much more than you believe right now. i’m so sorry that anyone has ever made you feel otherwise, and even more sorry that you think that suicide is the only way out. i know that these words are easy to say, but they’re true. i’m not much older than you (almost seventeen) and i’ve tried to kill myself several times, more times than i want to think about. i never thought that i was worth anything, that i deserved to be here. i hated myself beyond belief and i saw so much of my past self in your words. i’m by no means recovered, and i do still want to die some of the time. but i know that i have worth, and that i deserve to be here. i know that i’m not a bad person, and that i’m loved. my point here is that there is a future beyond this. it’s only in the last eight or so months that i’ve begun to feel like this. hell, i planned a suicide attempt back in march. recovery is possible for you. please believe me when i say this. it will take time, and effort, and it’s going to be hard. but you’re worth it. you owe it to yourself - your eight year old self, your thirty year old self, and your seventy year old self - to give life a chance.

that’s good !! that’s beyond good. i’m proud of you for that. please talk to your therapist & be honest with how you’ve been feeling. your meds will almost definitely help with this, and you’ll start to feel better soon. if they don’t work well for you, you can ask your therapist if you can switch them. opening up to your therapist, though, will absolutely be the best step in feeling okay again.

you’re so strong. so so fucking strong. you’re dealing with all of this, and you’re still here. that’s amazing. you want to get better, and you’re trying to make that happen. i’m sure your brothers (+ future sister) treasure you and know just how strong you are. please know that i’m so proud of you. it takes so much strength to know that you want to recover, and to reach out like this, to talk about your feelings at all. you’re so loved and you’re worth so much. please come talk to me (via asks or messages. if you prefer other social media, i can give you my instagram) if you ever need anything at all. best of luck <3

[fotiathymos]

do you have trans hcs for any other characters in promare? :0

I do! under cut cause im a TALKER whoops.

uhhh trigger warning that i do talk a bit about transphobia and unsupportive family.

I realize in my last post I didn’t mention it but Gueira and Meis aren’t cis! 

Gueira was born intersex and doesn’t agree to calling himself cis or trans. He is proud to be intersex. (do know this is a fictional character and not all real life people who are intersex agree or disagree with calling themselves cis or trans.)

Gueira uses he/him pronouns but doesn’t strictly dress masculine. Really just a comfy clothes wearer. 

Meis is trans genderfluid. Mostly uses they/them pronouns and has girl days or boy days sometimes where they can be more okay with she/her or he/him. Just leans into a mix usually. Actually doesn’t like being called Gueira’s boyfriend and rather ‘partner’. Gueira says it like a cowboy usually to make Meis giggle.

I do enjoy Ignis being an trans elder. (He is like 55 in my mind not 40 as i think canon states?) Ignis knew Galo was trans upon entering the job but of course did not out Galo to everyone. Galo isn’t secretive about being trans though. When Galo finds out Ignis is trans he cries happy tears and hugs him, making Ignis just a lil uncomfortable but not rejecting the hug.. hes got a reputation Galo.

I always had it in my head that Galo joined Burning Rescue and challenged all their thoughts on gender and etc. Considering they all grew up in a strict propaganda filled city some of them mightve just heard of terms but not thought about it too hard for..reasons. But then Galo comes into the work place being the ‘queer kid’ and wouldn’t take any bullshit. He grew up mostly by themself, discovered things on his own and does still feel that outward pressure to conform (esp with Kray, Galo is the most ‘passing as cis’ as he can be around Kray most times). So I thought mostly about everyone in BR were cis, not all of them straight but cis...bbuuutttt

Galo makes everyone question their thoughts on gender cause Galo is so open about his own and loves helping others. Galo does ‘mask’ themself sometimes and at first joining didn’t go full blown open. But one day Lucia needs a tampon and Galo had one in his bag and Lucia is like ‘um what?’ Galo goes casual and just ‘oh yeah.. i don’t need them anymore but its become habit to carry it around yaknow and you never know when it could come in handy!’

Lucia is the first to question if its okay to be non-binary lesbian, like maybe shes not entirely strictly ‘girl’. She’s loud and proud about being gay, lesbian flag above her desk, talks bout going to lesbian bars and wanting to just hold a girls hand. So she’s the first to feel okay enough to question herself gender wise.

Varys is that guy you might know in life who is just chill about everything. Galo comes out to Varys casually one day and Varys doesn’t linger on it at all. “Trans? Hell yeah! We still going out for bbq? Double hell yeah!” But he’s also a guy you never know whats going on in their head. He just remembers weirdly specific things you say sometimes and comes back at you with them later. Galo mentioned briefly that sunflowers remind him of his mother. Varys mails Galo sunflowers when Galo takes the day off on his mothers bday. Varys also randomly texts Galo ‘hey you know how youre trans, can i be like not always a man?’ 

Remi............................reMI UH. Remi is weird in my head. I feel hes that guy who just makes everything into a TMI or sex joke or just awkwardly flirts with everyone he becomes friendly with. Like just pushes the boundaries cause he thinks were friends now i can do this, without realizing hes over stepped them. That guy who thinks just cause your his friend now we can talk about sex casually. Hes quick to apologize when told off but still. I’m horrible I feel like Remi is that guy who’d consider him getting pegged by his girlfriend means he’s in with the lgbt crowd. He’s cis and comfortable with that and is confused by non-binary identities but won’t insult his coworkers and respect them. Eventually he’ll learn that just cause you are over 18 now, not everything in the world is related to sex. Idk if that made sense or if I threw him under the die-cis-scum buss too hard.

AND THEN THERE IS AINA.

Who... I adore. And even my head canons for her contrast and complement Galo like her story/character in the movie. So....shes trans.

We don’t get info about her family life but I’m assuming her sister raised her by herself and the parents weren’t in the picture. Aina came out to her sister right out of high school. Heris was starting college and working to provide for her and Aina. She flipped out on her and her words were ‘i dont care if youre a girl or a boy but those hormones can be pricey we dont have insurance you cant get surgery your too young, etc etc’ Unsupported in misreading the situation as an inconvenience to money and life and not the actuality of Aina just being herself and wanting to be honest about it. 

Aina gets ignored as her sisters career and life revolves around a sudden job with the Foundation. But Heris has money now. And is “supportive” in giving Aina money. Pays for her HRT, doctor visits, therapy, and then eventually training to be in Burning Rescue. And Heris is adamant that Aina never, EVER tells anyone she’s trans. Sweeps up any possible info about that under the rug. Doesn’t want to be looked at with a bad eye from Foresight. What Heris feels is a safety measure for her family is what Aina sees as shame. Kinda reflecting how Heris in the movie sees that shes doing ‘all this for you, Aina’ only for it to be cruel and harmful directly to Aina.

Aina doesn’t know what drew her to Galo. He’s cute and nice and friendly. Maybe it’s a crush? He understands me and no one ever did. He respects me for me. “Youre you Aina and theres nothing wrong with that.” (I forget the exact quote) The words play in her head for the longest time. She never came out to Burning Rescue for fear, cause Heris said not to, cause its ‘inconvenient’. And suddenly Galo is loud and proud about being trans??? Should she be too?? 

Eventually she confides in Galo. Probably after the Parnassus events. She realizes she doesn’t have a crush and was just not use to someone being nice to her and accepting her. She eventually tells the rest of Burning Rescue. Finds out Ignis knew all along due to paperwork but just once again, Captain isn’t gonna out his team member. 

And then finally during a late night movie sleepover. Galo’s like ‘you know we should hang the trans and non binary flag on the front of the station.’ Lucia goes ‘YEAH a big FUCK YOU to the Foundations normies!!!!’ Aina says ‘we should really run that past Captain first...’ Finally Ignis walks in, tilts down his sunglasses and says ‘I planned for this’ and unveils a flag that just says ‘fight the cis-tem’ and Galo and Lucia SCREAM. Only Galo knew Ignis was trans til that point..

I made a STORY damn.

I hope that wasn’t... too much... thank for reading.... ;u;/

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

answers (16)

Anonymous said: A lot of these secrets are really serious and sad so heres a lighter one: me and my sister are knitting christmas socks for the whole family as a surprise. Ive never knit a pattern before but im really good!!

Amazing!! 

Anonymous said: idk if your still doing this but my secret is I fear im a terrible person who only acts nice to rick people into liking her and ik that actually does make me an okay but i still feel im doing it for the wrong reasons and someones going to get too close and find out the truth and hate me

That’s very self aware of you, I think-- probably too self aware. You’re absolutely right to say it’s the trying that matters, but I’m not gonna blame you for worrying about it. I have similar concerns about myself sometimes. I’m aware that for me personally they’re partially justified. Some of my kindness is self motivated. 

I think though (and it seems like you already know this) it’s the effect of the kindness that matters. Maybe it’s better for me if I have “pure” intentions, but if I don’t, I should still do the kind things anyway, right? Because at the end there’s still going to be good. And there’s nothing bad about actively trying to be good, which is all we’re doing. 

Anonymous said: my secret is that ive been chasing after a dream my whole life but im not sure ill ever achieve it. times running out and i dont know what to do if i cant. i feel like my whole life has been put on standby and i dont know the way out. i know ill be okay in the end but i dont know what the end will be and that scares me.

Shit that’s relatable. You really will be okay, but it’s terrifying in the meantime, isn’t it? To have those turning points bearing down on you?

Things will happen. You can’t stop that. Time is gonna continue, but you’ll still be there at the end. Your head’s already in the right place. 

Anonymous said: My secret is that I really, really like one of my friends, but he has a girlfriend and slept with one of my best friends when they were both super drunk. I want the feelings to stop and go back to being just friends, because I honestly think I don't have a chance, but there is a small part of me that doesn't want to let go. I don't know what to do.

Well that’s a bitch of a situation, isn’t it? Romantic feelings aren’t really my area, but I understand holding on to things you consciously want to let go. Emotions always feel like part of me, you know? I don’t want to tear them away. Sometimes it’s better to do it, though. I don’t know from a few sentences if that’s the case here, but I hope you find the way that’s the best for you 

Anonymous said: My secret is I used to be suicidal, in my pre/early teens. I had realised I was lesbian in a small, largely Catholic town and hated myself for it. I was awful at social situations and couldn’t make friends. I hated myself for having baby fat because I danced part time. Then as I got older I slowly got more confident until one day a friend died I realised that holy shit I used to be suicidal and I could have killed myself. I’m terrified that I might get like that again and actually do it

Honestly, and I know this is gonna sound cliche, but I’m always in awe of folks like you. I don’t handle my own mental health issues super well most of the time, and to hear about someone growing? Changing? Getting better? Amazing

Anonymous said: If you're still taking these... my secret is that I don't want to give birth to children ever, and would consider adopting instead (when I'm older), but if I were to voice that to any family member or even an acquitance, they would shun me for it and make sure they try to talk me out of it. I really hate how conservative people put so many expectations on my shoulders

Heyyyyyy same. I’m not planning on birthing any kids, but my parents have come down pretty heavily on the single-women-should-not-adopt-children thing, which is.... bullshit. I’m gonna adopt some kids one day, whether they like it or not. 

You know your own mind and your own plans. Other people don’t have to be happy about them, even (maybe especially) family members. 

Anonymous said: My secret is that I’m a bad friend. I don’t make time for the few friends I have and spend most my time working or being in my room. They deserve better than me.

I don’t think you’re a bad friend. Not being around isn’t bad-friend behavior. You’re not hurting anyone. You’re not doing anything wrong. And I certainly don’t think that it justifies the idea that they should leave you. Relationships are always kinda a difficult balancing act, but you don’t have to be perfect at balancing it, you know?

Anonymous said: My secret is that I'm extremely self-sufficient, I've always had to be. But because there's no one else taking care of me it's so hard to invest my time in others because I'll neglect my own mental state. It make sit hard to develop stable relationships. Every once in a while I re-realize that I'm no one's priority so I have to be my own. And it just sucks.

Shit anon that’s really really rough. It makes me sad with you. I’m not going to tell you you’re wrong, because I don’t know, do I? But I hope you are. 

Anonymous said: My secret is I imagine myself as OCs I create for certain fandoms like Young Justice or Castlevania, and I spend all my time daydreaming of how I would act in episodes and how I would interact with the characters. I think it’s because I’m not satisfied with my life, and I’m also afraid that this makes me either weird or crazy.

Oh biggest mood

I do that too. I’m not in a position to say whether that’s a good or bad thing, but I like to think it just makes us creative. For me, it eventually found an outlet in writing, and that’s been a big source of joy in my life. I had some unpleasant experiences sharing that stuff with people in the past, but for me? I don’t worry about it anymore. I know a lot of people that do similar stuff.

Write some fanfiction, maybe :) You might be real good at it

Anonymous said: My secret is I’m secretly attracted to people who are better than me at stuff

That’s not really my area, but seems to me that’s a pretty good thing to be attracted to. One of the sweetest things I hear around school is people talking about how their partners are going to be such good lawyers. It’s cute. 

Anonymous said: My secret is that my anxiety is crushing me. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

Oh, anon. I just.... feel you. I’ve been really struggling lately with the idea that other people move through life without that handicap, and it amazes and angers me. Why don’t I get that? Why am I like this? It isn’t fair. 

And it isn’t. It just isn’t. You didn’t ask to death match your brain every second of the day. You’re not any worse than everyone else, so why do you have to suffer? I don’t know. I really don’t.

The only happy thing I can say to you is people do heal. It’s bullshit that it takes so much time and effort, but it is possible. I’m better off now than I was five years ago, even if it did take five years and a whole lot of therapy, medication, and energy. You shouldn’t have to fight like this, but you can, and you can win. 

Anonymous said: My secret is Im so bitter most of the time that I cant be happy for others. Me and my best friend are both singers but I can never be happy for her when she gets compliments or any success bc im jealous and im scared I'll never learn to be selfless and happy for other people

You’re only human. You have human emotions. You have every right to feel them. The only thing that matters is your choices, because that’s the only thing you can control. 

I’m so sorry you’re scared. That’s another emotion you have every right to feel 

Anonymous said: My secret is that sometimes I hated myself for not express what I felt because I thought they'll hate me or make distance of me but I'm learning to express my feelings to others and try to be more confidence :) I hope you'll be brave too and do whatever you want to do 💜

I wanna be anon when I grow up 

Anonymous said: My secret is that my hands hurt all the time but in different ways, and I’m scared to get help because I’m scared they’ll tell me I’m making it up or being dramatic.

Man do I hate the shit people put you through to get medical help. Everybody’s entitled to ask, aren’t they? So why are we all making that difficult? Why are we making people feel bad about their own pain?

I understand your fear, but I hope you start asking questions anyway. Other people’s opinions about it aren’t your fault

Anonymous said: My secret is that my dermatillomania has gotten way worse since I got to college, so I’m having to wear headscarves again to keep myself from picking my scalp. I smuggled my scarf collection out of my room without telling my parents.

I’m sorry, anon. That’s difficult. That sucks. That’s bullshit. 

Anonymous said: my secret is that when one of my family members says something homophobic I'll laugh and agree because I'm afraid that they'll disown me if there's any shred of proof that I'm LGBT and it makes me feel like such filth

That’s not your fault. It’s theirs for making you feel unsafe, because your safety really should be your first priority! That’s okay! You’re not being a bad person by doing it. You’re just protecting someone. You’re allowed to make that someone you

[mynameisnotkarl-blog1]

1/2

I see people are coming to me about assumptions lately

Things im hearing seeing would make you think these dudes hate me

its 50/50 so i guess they can split that evenly

Going outside is feeling more like a chore now

thoughts im having would make you think i gone senile

i been so self aware that its hard to be me now

so selfish i don’t even pretend to be me now

THIS SHIT CORNY 🌽🤣😂🤣😈

but this what the pression sounds like on a good day

and i know this shit can get worse like anyday

i know im selfish i didn’t even show up

Im feeling whoozy i think im bout to throw up

running from my problems like dont ask me

i don’t believe that l#%$ is real if you ask me

feelings going in remission

i missed it with it precision

i just couldn’t risk it

(Ive been in that void)(pitched down)

Ive been out that void

and i still cant tell difference

like who making these decisions

I got some good news

you can’t fit these shoes

i got some bad news

i can’t get over ...

it’s been a few years

ok maybe a couple fews

i mean couples views

i wish weren’t different

and the thought of it yeah it really hits

i hit the doc for a script

you don’t know it but you are god-sent

maybe that was a little extra

why do i be so extra

and then i thought about it but i really didn’t think about it lol

Aint nobody going to judge me harder than i do me

last years of high school got me feeling like a zombie

last years of colle got me feeling like i want to harm me

yeah i know i don’t fit in

but this trigger just clicking

“well did you check the safety”

oh yeah that’s my conscious

i say we get along

he barely do me wrong

when i step like iverson

broad day victim going missing the public

don’t go outside cause a niggas mind is sick

oh you getting closer yeah i think i got to dip

oh im getting so sober yeah think it’s time to sip

and when the reason is no reason at all

When i see heaven i just want to ...

But its bugged when you on the other side

or in between

thinking back on it yeah i wasted my teens

opana had my lov i should of got therapy

i had these tears all froze in my face

i had these feelings all put away

this shit lame and wack

you need to grow up👿👺

Maybe you can turn this shit all around

you didn’t mind being the clown

Thinking their laughter is more important than the pain that you’re feeling now

Goal #1 look in the mirror more

#2 try more

yeah wish it was that simple

but simple how im feeling lately

looking in the mirror thinking why that guy hates me

hate i know it can be a strong word

so excuse me for my ignorance

I seem to lack for a better word or world

and it all seems the same

like how every song sounds sad and it’s starting to become lame

imagine putting your all into a track just for anthony to call your shit lame🤣😂🤣 i guess you got to start somewhere

i got so bored i was going to put %£$ name in the google search bar and face my worst nightmares and see if i can handle it or not

ive made myself an object of a pointless concept

no strong purpose

i think it’s funny how their is always someone who will take the news of your death with laughter and it will be a genuine laugh

told my $&@#%£* marriage is a cool concept n all but really dude

btw im the last person you should be taking advice from

compliment

read n tak a hint

ask &@$ if &@$ wants to get use to just touching each other

is this a relationship

can it be this simple

No

sometimes i realize how sad i am

and how pathetic i look and sound

do people get mad at you when you’re this pathetic

am i pushing it if i say im average

i wonder if my ancestors went through something like this

i feel like the future can be bright but no time is better than it is now

i wonder if $@&#%€ thinks about me

i wonder if i made anyone cry

i used to think about 9/11 daily

but then $&@ came along then

it was $&@ every other second

the adderall help but the isolation did not

i think about how i thrived in my world

but in your world i could not

i once thought about how i could just be being dramatic

like how im concerned if “just be being dramatic” is grammatically correct or incorrect or if i should just know that either way it’s not the first time nor the last (even this is a edit)

first time I seen the &@“$& i was scared to death

the second time i seen the &@“$& i was at peace

ive🔒 a note with all my thoughts and now i dont know my thoughts

you ever get so conscious of your walking you feel like every step you can trip

i want to make a song named “I stay strapped in Prague”

i found my 👇

thoughts

1. they was close now they talk behind my back

2. are they friends or are they just using me

3. most of the whispers are about me

4. why do i want people to like me

5. i see dark objects that are not there

6. the majority of people i meet are against me

7. i know that i exaggerate things but does it stray away from the truth

8. i thought they was close but i got to cut ties now

9. i can absorb the outside world but it is difficult to interact

10. they can see right through me

11. they try to hurt me for a reaction

12. i cry most of the time just because it is good for me

13. they request things of me i don't want to do

14. isolated is when i feel most comfortable

15. i distance myself to protect me and sometimes others

16. i think im selfish even when im not trying to be

17. people think i don't like them but i don't have the energy for them

18. sometimes i avoid looking in the mirror

19. eye contact is becoming more and more difficult

20. most of my expressions are manufactured

21. don't care for the future don't got any plans

22. i love my family i love my family

23. i think about disappearing never coming back

24. ideal death will be alone deep in the forest

25. im scared

26. i damaged myself far past the chance of repair

27. distance distance distance

28. dissociation is easy

29. i don't know my family

30. why am i holding on to this anger

31. i might be sick

32. i don't know if i care

33. i think im pathetic for doing drugs

34. its hard to remember my childhood

35. i wonder if eight or ten year old me will like me now

36. accomplishments feel anything but

37. i notice things

38. im done with a lot people even ones i like

39. my thoughts paralyzes me

40. trust is difficult don't trust

41. don't know what my thoughts on what &&&& is yet

42. i don't want to do this how do i get out

43. i need help

44. i don't want help

45. enemies will laugh and joke in your face

46. if i try to enlist in the military they will deny me

47. i cant tell nobody about the problems i got nobody

48. i don't know where im at right now i just hope he is alright

49. j coles kod got me thinking he the goat and i only listen to the intro

50. ?i deleted this one it was too dark?🙄😢🙇🏾🤦🏾‍♂️

51. the album-art cover of the kod is amazing. subliminal

52. kill edward is jcole

53. if this is it im not

54. itiiinimpressed

55. im going to stop thinking about her

56. regret is a persons worst enemy

57. pretty sure i got an anxiety disorder

58. pretty sure i got ptsd

59. i use to skip meals because of my anxiety

60. i don't need nobody to tell me i need help but i know

61. im sick

62. im sick

63. how did i get sick

64. im a little dramatic

65. tpye mistake but i didn't want to backspace

66. thought this line should be a dark one but nah 6ix hundred more to go (ಥ﹏ಥ) that was an accident too but it still works i guess

67. fiona and v that will be a good 3hree

68. believe im capable of love but choose not to

69. i don't want to get high anymore but i am

70. i find myself in that empty place quite often

71. i dismissed all her advances im sorry

72. this is going to be... a long one

73. im not good with eye contact for a lot of reasons but i seen something in someone's eyes thinking how is s•• alone? is s•• alone? and things were never the same it changed everything it happened too fast but feelings weren't mutual and now i feel numb most of the time

74. i suck at rapping and producing but it feels like i can change that so easily but im lazy and scared mostly scared lol

75. i hate that shit "lol" but i still do it smh devon no lol

76. sorry its just most of the time ur not

77. im too busy trying to love myself

78. oh im sorry if it looks like im trying too hard but i am

79. i would do anything to push people alway but very little to keep them

80. everyone is against me i got few if not any

81. i need to get swollen i already told some people i was planning on too

82. i only laugh with my friends i think

83. hope this car ain't no scam hope is empty but it feels good

84. i just want it to feel good

85. i think ye might have lost it

86. i have problems sleeping

87. i slipped in that dark place again and i don't want to be there

88. behind my back

89. thunder without lightning how frightening

90. it's either i care too much or for not

91. i really don't want to disagree

92. Cringe

93. how do u make demons out of angels

94. if i hit the lottery with millions i promise myself to show someone this list

95. who are you?

96. i don't want to think about it when i think about it

97. you don't want to know the places i go

98. had to correct that👆👍

99. just sitting here chilling with my shoes on unlaced

100. i think im sick... in the head

101. i think about the most darkest things

102. i don't think im going to sleep for a long time

103. now i know why people go to far with things

104. but when you do it right the outcome is amazing

105. i can understand someone else's choice better than i can explain min

[beauticate]

Erin Holland, Model & Presenter

Given her on-the-rise showbiz career includes brand partnerships with Sephora, and her latest as Neutrogena’s Sun Care Ambassador – Erin Holland makes an ideal girl to chat to about all things beauty. Inviting us inside her Sydney home, Erin shared with us how she got started on the path to Miss World, how she takes care of herself while she is constantly on the road, her ultimate accessory for a big night out and her favourite beauty product of all time.

“I have always wanted to be a performer, and I consider the presenting work I do now to be an extension of that dream.

Whether it’s singing on stage, presenting on camera or live hosting an event, the rush, adrenaline and satisfaction is the same. It’s all I ever wanted to do with my life. I grew up singing and dancing and had Broadway aspirations, doing some modelling on the side to get me through my studies at the Sydney Conservatorium of Music and attending musical auditions. 

After getting so close to landing a few gigs, but to no avail, I decided to put myself up for Miss World Australia in 2013, which I won and went on to compete in Miss World. Thanks to my amazing manager Morgs Barta, this brought about some incredible opportunities, including amazing brand partnerships and travel, and now I am busier than ever.

The best part of my job is that no two days are the same. 

The spontaneity of not knowing what next week will bring is always, always more exciting than it is terrifying. Some of the best experiences and jobs I’ve ever had in my life came about last minute. I am someone who tends to get bored easily and requires a lot of variety, so this life and career are perfect for me.

I am a product fiend. Working with Sephora just enables my makeup addiction in the best possible way. There’s always something brand new to get my hands on and try. 

I love experimenting with different looks and taking inspiration from my fave Instagram makeup accounts. You’ll often find me trying to recreate a photo I have found on the ‘gram for events or nights out! I do definitely have some staples in my kit that I know will never fail me, but then Sephora is constantly stocking new products, new brands - it would just be rude not to try them all, right…?

My absolute, number one makeup tip? Get yourself a Beauty Blender. 

This little guy has been a game changer for applying my base. It just gives you the most seamless, flawless finish without any hassle, regardless of what foundation or concealer you are using. You just have to get one immediately - you wont be disappointed.

My approach to beauty is versatile and my look is completely dependant on the situation or my mood. 

One day it’s all about the winged liner, another a pop of colour in a strong lip, or it’s pared back and the focus is all on dewy skin. Don’t be afraid to try new things and change it up - beauty is so fun. Speaking of which, for a night out I can never go past Ardell Lashes. I use either the Individuals or Demi Wispies. Either type are such an easy way to add some glam to your look, and they really do last all night.

The basics of my skincare routine are simple - cleanse, moisturise, sunscreen. 

I like Endota products for my skin, particularly their milk cleanser and the Peptide Firming Moisturiser. After moisturiser I always apply sunscreen before I apply my makeup. Our skin is just too important not to do so. I’ve been raised to be super diligent with my sun safety, growing up as I did in North Queensland and having our family experience skin cancer, so using Neutrogena Hydroboost Water Gel Lotion SPF50 everyday is a must for me. And in practical terms, we’re not going to use a daily sunscreen that doesn’t work with our lifestyles, which is another reason I love this – it works so well as a base under makeup. Because it’s lightweight and dries matte, makeup goes on so easily afterwards because the sunscreen hasn’t made you greasy or shiny.

When it comes to your hair I think, if you can, it’s good to get to a salon for a treatment and a blow dry pretty regularly. Treating your hair with the same love and care you give your skin and your body is important. 

Remington Schulz is my go to hair man and he is absolutely incredible. For someone who constantly has their hair professionally styled or has extensions in, my hair is in amazing condition. My affordable at-home hair routine is all about quality shampoo and conditioner from Alterna, and then investing in a good set of hair tools. Bad quality tools will burn your hair, so my Dyson Supersonic dryer and GHD tools are life savers. And they give me the closest finish I can get to Remington’s standard!

Listen, if you live in Sydney (or even if you don’t, I promise it’s worth the trip) please do yourself a favour and visit The Parlour Room. 

Natalie and her team are honestly the best in the business. I see them for all my beauty needs - on a regular basis that would be SNS nails, Shellac pedicures and eyebrow tints (as a natural blonde I need constant tinting to match my dark hair!) 

For facials, Endota Spa is my absolute fave retreat in Sydney. The Intense New Age Light Therapy is super active yet incredibly relaxing – it does wonders for my skin. My face really cops a lot with the consistent flying and heavy duty makeup, so I try to get one of these facials every month to thoroughly clean out and rejuvenate my skin.

So that I can take good care of my body, I need a large variety of different exercise to keep me motivated. 

I usually train 4-5 days a week and that consists of a mixture of Ben Lucas PT Sessions from Flow Training Centre twice a week, with the rest of my sessions made up of classes taken at Flow Athletic upstairs. They have a huge variety that I make full use of, so I do anything from Spin, Strength, Yoga to Reformer Pilates. Keeping my mind fresh and constantly trying new classes really is the key to staying motivated for me.

I find it important to have a good stretch session each day, and listening to a relaxing playlist on Spotify (full of lots of James Bay, Vance Joy and Ben Harper) is my favourite way to unwind. Music is absolutely everything to me and has played a part in every big moment in my life. It’s my meditation.

As someone who travels consistently, I can’t really stick to a specific diet. I just try and make good choices at every meal. 

My menu always includes lots of salads, fresh protein and veggies, fruits and good carbs (whole grains, sweet potato etc). When I am travelling I take a daily probiotic just to stay on top of my gut health, but other than that I try to keep things very simple. I also don’t drink much and prefer to save alcohol for social occasions, where I will break out my fave champagne, Moet.

My stylist Donny Galella has taught me SO much over the years. Classic chic with an occasional edge is what we usually go for. 

I am definitely more a clean cut kinda gal, but I love how Donny pushes my fashion boundaries and constantly encourages me to branch out and try different looks. I’m loving Rebecca Vallance and Tom Ford lately, along with Steele, Seed and Kindred for a more relaxed vibe. My latest purchase was a nude YSL envelope handbag with gold hard wear – it goes with everything.

I hope to age gracefully by looking after my face and body in regular, small ways.

People think all too often about the quick fix, but taking the time to invest in your skin by doing simple things like wearing sunscreen everyday (even when you’re not necessarily outdoors) really adds up down the road. I think it’s part of what my mum instilled in me growing up – not to be sloppy, and to take pride in my appearance, both now and for the future. Even to this day I won’t leave the house looking completely terrible. You don’t have to wear a full face of makeup at all times, by any means, but it’s worthwhile to always take pride in yourself and put your best self forward.

Story by Zoe Briggs. Photography by Alice Mahran. Styling by Jess Pecoraro.