#there are many reasons i’ll say anywhere other than this blog

[frnkiebby]

I want to bite him for science reasons ☺️🙏🏻

there are many reasons beyond science that i want to bite him~🎃

[inevitably-johnlocked]

A Breakdown of My Thoughts On Good Omens S2

(That may or may not also be a meta about my predictions for the future interwoven in)

Hey All!

All right, I’ve officially watched Good Omens Season 2 twice, and am almost done my third time through, and I want to put out some thoughts before I start reading other people’s meta about S2 so that my initial thoughts aren’t influenced by those. I was GOING to post it to my GO blog @inevitably-ineffable-husbands first, but decided instead to make the initial post here since this is my largest audience (my GO blog is mostly a reblog blog, but it’s been pretty active the past week with people sending me asks there!).

During my second watch-through, I took some notes about stuff I wanted to expand upon. This got a bit messy, long, and disorganized so I tried to just clean up those notes so they’re more legible. I think I inevitably want to write separate meta about each section, especially after my next few rewatches (AND especially since I want to talk more about 3 or four Big Thoughts that I have about S3). 

This meta turned out to be a lengthy essay-style meta with a few bits of point form and free thoughts, broken into sections for easier consumption, so I hope you will give it a read through. It’s longer than I intended (it’s about 5,000 words), so if you need to pause anywhere, I’ve conveniently broken it up into sections below the cut, which you can see the breakdown of here:

Before The Beginning

Crowley is A-Major-Angel Theory (or The Angel That Crowley Might Actually Have Been)

Maggie and Nina (Mirrors. It’s about mirrors)

The Ineffable Bureaucracy (MORE MIRRORS YAY I LOVE DYING!)

Crowley and Aziraphale (& Their Relationship Arc) (which includes my thoughts on THAT moment and why it was wrong)

The Metatron and Aziraphale’s Decision (I actually covered a large chunk of this on THIS POST so you can read just that if you want instead)

Other Things (That I Didn’t Know Where Else to Put) 

Final Thoughts

Also, so it’s not hidden under the cut, here are the things I’m interested in expanding upon in the future, if you guys would like to read more. The first one is the only “for sure” one on my plate right now:

A Thought on AziraCrow from an A-Spec Perspective [REDUX]: An expansion on the above-linked meta I put out a week ago about their relationship arc and how I feel it’s being portrayed and what it means foor the future.

THAT Scene Small Thoughts: And its importance RIGHT NOW and why the confession will be so much more powerful in S3. Actually I think I MIGHT cover this in the AziraCrow meta, but I DO want to expand upon the scene anyway regardless.

And I don’t have many things to say as of finishing this meta, but I would like to put out my thoughts on why Aziraphale made That Choice. (EDIT: It would be an expansion on THIS POST which would include some points I made under the cut in the various sections, compiled together. I know I’ll have more thoughts as the weeks move on and as I understand the scene more and more).

Anyway, I hope you enjoy what I’ve written! The next meta I’d like to tackle is the Relationship Redux meta, provided that the asks I got in my inbox aren’t going to take up too much of my time.

Feel free to add your thoughts in the reblogs and replies as usual! I welcome other opinions and thoughts, and I will try my best to keep all the threads together. This blog is and will always remain a community project! :) 

PLEASE be advised, in that case, that Spoilers WILL BE in the notes, and OBVIOUSLY there are spoilers below the cut for the entire season! Cheers, and thank you! Enjoy!

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BEFORE THE BEGINNING

I have running theory that’s kind of on strings right now, but I feel like Aziraphale feels responsible for Crowley’s Fall, that he feels he didn’t do enough to help prevent it, which may explain his actions in Episode 6. 

Now, I’m not saying that the entire reason he spends so much time with Crowley is because of some underlying guilt, NOT AT ALL (just a small part of it), but more that he feels like he could have done more to dissuade Crowley from asking questions – It’s why he spends their entire lives trying to convince Crowley he is good! Aziraphale loved seeing an angel so happy with what they were doing, and his warnings were making Crowley unhappy. Instead, Aziraphale decided to compliment Crowley on his work to make him smile again. I think it’s absolutely something to note since this scene and the finale of E6 suspiciously bookend each other, meant to be compared and contrasted with each other. 

When Azzie is presented with the opportunity to give Crowley back something he loved doing – being happy making galaxies – Aziraphale took it, because he knows how much Crowley struggles with his own sense of self.

Unfortunately, Azzie thinks Crowley’s inner turmoil is because of who he is and his status as a demon, not because Aziraphale is literally his whole raison d’être and why Crowley keeps coming back to him – he’s only ever truly happy being around Aziraphale.

Crowley, in turn, has become Azzie’s own reason for being, he just sadly hasn’t come to that conclusion yet at this point in the story. Aziraphale thinks that by being the Supreme Archangel, he will have the authority to make things RIGHT, not knowing the info that we as an audience have through Crowley that that is FAR from the truth. I’ll go more into it in my Metatron section below.

Basically I’m saying that this sequence at the beginning exists to show who Aziraphale is as a person, an angel who struggles with his OWN sense of self and his desire to do good and make people happy. Aziraphale is so consumed with believing that he can change things if only he has some control over a situation, then it can all be better; he fails to see that he already has everything he wants right in front of him. He doesn’t think he can TRULY be with Crowley safely unless something changes the status quo, and he naïvely thinks that taking the job is the best way to do so. I think next season we will see Aziraphale finally understand that he CAN’T be “free” until he accepts that he and Crowley ARE better as one. 

Another note I wanted to make about this is just an aside commentary: Aziraphale ABSOLUTELY was smitten by Crowley. I suspect until he met Crowley, Aziraphale had never seen another angel be so joyous in his work. It intrigued Azzie and blossomed into something-unknown in him.

Azzie was smitten since before the beginning, and that he indeed pines for Crowley. He’s just terrified about what happens After if he were to do anything about it.

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CROWLEY-IS-RAPHAEL THEORY (or another Top-Ranking Angel)

This is one of my favourite theories that circulates in the fandom, and I went into a bit of detail about this on this post here, but I want to expand more upon it briefly (hah).

I think this season further proved Crowley was A Big Angel™ before he Fell (not necessarily Raphael, but it IS the prominent theory about his identity). It’s a Big Point that I think they’ve been planting the seeds for in both seasons so that we as the audience can figure it out; maybe not exactly WHO Crowley was (the general audience wouldn’t know about the theory), more that Crowley was indeed a higher ranking angel than all of them. This could be a big reveal in S3 for the general audience, and will be the reward for the “easter eggs” that the fans picked up on. 

Here are the clues that I have so far, both from the fandom theories for S1, and my own observations of S2... I have not read any meta yet as of writing this, so I probably missed some if people are talking about it:

Raphael is notably missing from the main Archangels. It’s very odd, because he was a prominent figure in a story about Abraham

When we first see Crowley in S2, we see him as the primary creator of the universe. That kind of task isn’t given to just any angel. We knew in S1 that Crowley created stars, just not the full story of it.

The only Top Angel who recognizes Crowley is Saraqael and we don’t find that out until Episode 6. They mention that the two worked together during the creation of a nebula. Saraqael is just as old as Crowley and was there Before the Beginning as well. Michael, Uriel, and Gabriel don’t recognize Crowley when they come down during Job’s trials, meaning that Crowley probably Fell before they came to be Top Level Angels. 

“A throne, a dominion or ABOVE” is who Muriel said were the only angel classes that could open the file on Gabriel, and Crowley literally just opens it without issue. Crowley faffs it off as an old password (but even then, why would he HAVE an old password for a confidential file?) but I think it’s more true that he actually had and hasn’t lost the clearance he had as a higher order of angel. Muriel NEVER stated that an Archangel can open the file at ALL. BUT I think Gaiman’s Archangels are technically top of the chain so they possibly are able to open the files as well.   For shits and giggles, I actually looked into the orders of angels: Muriel’s listed angels are part of the top 4 levels of Angel rankings. Now, I know that the authors took creative liberty with Capital A-Archangels for story purposes, but it’s a very interesting thought, isn’t it? I wonder if Crowley was actually one of the first Supreme Archangels? Just something to nibble on until S3.

The INSANE power level of HALF of a bit of a small miracle from TWO people that can raise 25 dead people is very interesting thing to literally flash red in your face as if to say “THIS IS A REALLY IMPORTANT THING TO REMEMBER, DON’T FORGET IT”. Why? Why make this the catalyst of events in the series if it’s not important and won’t be brought up again? Was Crowley’s power the one that set off alarms in Heaven since his part was to hide Gabe from Heaven?

The writers have deliberately avoided giving us Crowley’s name in Before the Beginning. Crowley has a penchant for changing his name when he wants to distance himself from the past, and there’s a good chance he purposely threw away his Heavenly (dead) name to cast aside any memories of that former life. It’s not who he is anymore, nor who he wants to be ever again.

Crowley constantly references the problems with Heaven, stuff that Aziraphale seems to have no knowledge of. 

Crowley has an uncanny sense of where Aziraphale is and what he’s up to at all times. Actually, he’s able to sense trouble from everyone regardless. NOW, this might be down to him just... being so smitten with Aziraphale that perhaps he’s purposely attuned his senses to him, but none of the other angels nor demons seem to be able to do this unless it’s with their own kind. Crowley seems to have it for everyone. This is an odd power for one “measly demon” to have.

I’m certain I’m missing a few other easter eggs here that were mentioned, but in the interim, I think these definitely the ones that are worth noting.

“One Character Split Into Two”

I’ve seen a theory that ties into the Angel Theory where Crowley and Aziraphale are actually two parts of the SAME angel, Raphael, and I only remembered it after I saw this quote from David and Michael’s interview:

“Well, now we’re playing one character that’s sort of split into two”

Interesting choice of words... Did one of them slip up here? I don’t think that this is the case, that it’s just me over-reading into an interview quote, but it is something I did came across in my readings of the Raphael Theory that I thought I should mention.

While trying to find a couple posts to link to for this theory, I came across this super interesting post regarding Aziraphale’s name meaning in Hebrew, and it does list ONE of the “unlikely” possibilities being that it means “Raphael is my strength”. While the author links this to be part of Crowley!Raphael theory, I kind of like it for the Duality Theory, where Crowley IS Azzie’s strength in the sense that he’s the Emotional Support Demon. Crowley IS kind and gentle and protective of Aziraphale. And Azzie, who gets his strength from Raphael Crowley, is the brains (or main single braincell carrier) of the operation.

Kind of like an overly-romantic version of soulmates, literally One Soul split into two people who are meant to find each other again and become whole.

Also, I go back to my point about their power being ASININE at less than half each. WHY IS THIS POSSIBLE? A theory: They are stronger than an Archangel’s miracle together, so it’s not absurd to speculate that it was stronger because it was finally at its full power with the SINGLE soul concocting the miracle.

Anyway, this Duality Theory is probably definitely not the case since we see them both Before the Beginning, BUT we can argue that the scene we saw was their first introduction after being split... Aziraphale just HAPPENS to zoom by, the only single angel in the area? Hmm.

I ALSO just want to say that perhaps when they body-swapped, that may have also activated dormant “together” powers within themselves? Just a little thought I had while writing this section.

Aziraphale is Raphael and Doesn’t Remember

And finally, there’s the theory that they will pull a Shyamalan and reveal that it’s Azzie that’s actually Raphael. I honestly think this is the least likely scenario, given that all the clues they’re putting in the show don’t at all point to this, other than the possible entomology of his name (I read somewhere that Gaiman initially was going to spell it Aziraphael to coincide with the naming conventions of the other Angels) could be a play on the Raphael name and it’s Aziraphale who’s actually the missing Raphael.

I don’t think it’s this at all, for the record. I just wanted to point it out since it is a theory that I’ve seen thrown around linked to the Raphael Theory.

Regardless of which theory it is, I just CANNOT get it out of my head at how often they kept bringing up elements of Crowley’s past, and I just.... mmmm. I know he’s more Important than he lets on. There’s just too many eggs dropped in this season for me to let it go without a bit of grumbling.

Or maybe I’m just looking too much into it. *shrugs* I can’t help it, reading between the lines is a hobby of mine I do so enjoy.

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MAGGIE AND NINA

UGH, I absolutely love character mirrors... I love seeing the parallels of characters and how they’re supposed to represent the protagonists in situations. 

Regarding Maggie and Nina, upon rewatching the series, I see now that Nina is primarily Aziraphale’s mirror and Maggie is Crowley’s. 

For Maggie, as an expansion on a drunken post during my liveblogging:

She’s smitten (”pathetically in love”) with someone just out of reach, hopelessly pining and watching from afar.

She’s STUPIDLY protective of and adores Mr. Fell and Nina.

She, like Crowley with Aziraphale, attempts to make Nina happy: She gives a record as a gift without thinking about the “after” (Crowley tends to do the same)

She’s stands up to the demons and for herself.

She’s “unloved and unloveable”, which Crowley believes himself to be

She’s the one who thought up the plans to get them out of trouble

For Nina:

Fussy and stuck in her ways

Doesn’t want to disappoint but can’t seem to do right by anyone

“we’re just friends, well, we hardly know each other” (which I believe is a line similar to one Aziraphale said in S1)

Afraid to start a new relationship for fear of not being good enough

Makes their love interest wait and hopes they’ll be there when the time is right (She will be)

Her relationship with Lindsay appears to me to be a parallel for Azzie’s relationship with Heaven, with them being "done” with Aziraphale for one too many indiscretions. Lindsay also accuses Nina of “cheating” which Aziraphale technically does with choosing Crowley over Heaven 

Their inevitable NOT match-made is a gentle parallel to the painful NOT match-made by our heroes. There’s a bump in the road, and when they’re both ready, they’ll eventually get together. 

Also, another thing I wanted to note here, is that Nina’s VERY heartfelt conversation with Crowley is super, SUPER important to AziraCrow’s arc, and I believe it is the catalyst to why Crowley made the decision to try to confess in Episode 6. Like, he genuinely looks like he’s re-evaluated a few things after Nina walks away. And because it was the Aziraphale mirror stating this, Crowley perhaps starts to get ideas in his head that maybe Azzie is ready to move forward, since “it certainly looks like [you’re a couple from the outside]”. Why not make it official then? Maybe Aziraphale IS just waiting for Crowley to make the move.

Food for thought.

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THE INEFFABLE BUREAUCRACY

I don’t have much to honestly say about this one, other than I am SHOCKED that it only took them 4 years to figure their shit out but our idiots still are at first base after 6000 years. Get your asses moving, idiots!

Seriously though, they’re the biggest pair of mirrors in the season, but funnily enough, I think Gabriel is Crowley’s, and Beez is Azzie’s.  

Gabriel, like Crowley to Azzie, introduces human things to Beez. 

Gabe questions Heaven and convinces Beez to question their side... essentially he “Falls” when the trial happens, abandoning Heaven. 

Gabe throws everything away to be with Beez. 

Beez is the one who learns from Gabe, just like Azzie learns from Crowley.

Beez compares themself to Aziraphale: “I imagine he took better care of you than I would have”.

Beez calling Gabe “you silly, silly angel”... Aziraphale called Crowley silly in the first half of the season.

And as an aside, just... the casual “I love you” from Gabe is like an unfiltered Crowley. Because I am certain Crowley will be the first to say it.

That’s just a super simplified version of it all, but just wanted to point it out so y’all can see where I’m coming from on why I think that.

And I REALLY BELIEVE that Aziraphale will repeat this or a similar line to Beez’s in S3: 

“I just found something that mattered more to me than choosing sides.”

I think it will be the line before the climax of S3 that Aziraphale says when he finally rejects Heaven. Because that was a POWERFUL line, and it will solidify the mirrors and parallels that are all over this season. I feel like Heaven won’t suffer the same incident happening twice, so we might even finally get to see a ridiculously protective, vengeful angel Aziraphale, to rival all of Protective Crowley moments! WHAT a payoff that would be after two seasons of him just kind of sitting idly by not standing up for himself, eh?? GOD I want it.

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CROWLEY AND AZIRAPHALE (& THEIR RELATIONSHIP ARC)

I have just a few notes to immediately take away from S2, but I do plan on expanding more upon these thoughts in my Revision of my A Thought on AziraCrow from an A-Spec Perspective meta I wrote prior to S2. 

In that meta I state very clearly how important their relationship and its portrayal is to me. I do concede that, because of this fact, I may be biased in my opinions about literally the entirety of S2′s relationship arc. I ADORE Aziraphale and I really see a lot of myself in him, and I can understand why he did what he did at the end, and why the “rejection” happened. But again, I will touch upon that with the revision meta.

Instead, I took some additional notes while I watched and rewatched S2 that I don’t think I can fit well into that meta without ham-fisting it in. I’ll try my best to break it into yummier sections so it’s not so messy.

Protective / Jealous Crowley (and his possible PTSD)

This point deserved its own little section, because it’s one of my favourite things this season. I love just how BLATANTLY PROTECTIVE and JEALOUS Crowley was, to the point of being near-murderous. I LOVE the confrontation scene with Gabriel so much, because it’s SO revealing to just how terrified Crowley is of Aziraphale being hurt and not being in Crowley’s life again. 

I imagine he constantly replays the fire in his head: what if Crowley WASN’T there to save Aziraphale that time??? To step into fire for him??? He’s seen how bad No-Azzie would be with the Bookshop Fire, and I think he STILL believes that it was Hellfire that discorporated Azzie (not the accidental summoning circle). So imagine the psyche of a demon who is hopelessly in love with an angel, having to be face to face with the fire that he believes killed Azzie the first time and THEN have Azzie’s boss basically tell Crowley how little he thinks of Aziraphale? Ooof.

And I also will standby the fanon theory that it was Crowley who left all the fire extinguishers in the bookshop, and not Aziraphale. Bless Azzie, he knows that this is a “New Fear Unlocked” in Crowley and lets him do it to ease the anxiety.

And isn’t it funny that Crowley (aside from the 2 year lockdown) seems to have spent every waking moment keeping a steady eye on Aziraphale? He’s scared, which is why I think he might have some PTSD related to everything he’s seen that Aziraphale is blissfully unaware of.

Their Arc and The Kiss

It’s so clear to me now more than before that Aziraphale IS Crowley’s whole life, to the point of obsession. I think the final arc that Crowley has to go through before he can truly be with Aziraphale proper is learning to let Aziraphale also protect him, to loosen the stranglehold that his fear of loss has on him. That Crowley doesn’t have to shoulder everything by himself and be Aziraphale’s shadow. Because that’s what he is in S2 – a lot of scenes of them together in the modern day is Crowley trailing just slightly behind Azzie, always watching and waiting for trouble and being there for him.

I think Crowley has a genuine fear of loss of control similar to Aziraphale’s. Where Azzie’s is related to “well if I can do this thing then everything will be alright”, Crowley’s is “well if I can just keep Aziraphale safe, then everything will be alright” and that’s... not a good foundation for a relationship. Their Big Breakup had to happen for them to both realize this. 

Aziraphale has NOT gone through his “lost my partner” arc like Crowley has with the bookshop fire. I go more into it in the Metatron section, but I think that Azzie’s arc will look more like Crowley being used as a leverage tool against Azzie by Heaven, and those seeds were planted in the final moments of E6. Perhaps something DOES happen when Crowley inevitably comes to his rescue, and he also “loses Crowley for good” (but we know that the totally-made-up-just-now law of parallels will bring him back, we hope).

They’re currently at the Miscommunication and Separation stage of their relationship. They’re both so scared of hurting each other that they DON’T communicate... they DON’T expose each other to “bad things” that they know and instead just focus on the good. The breakup had to happen the way it did for Aziraphale to finally Get A Clue – because I honestly don’t think he realized Crowley loved him until the kiss – and that Azzie himself wasn’t the only one with a crush on his best friend. It had to happen that way for Crowley to understand that his overprotectiveness and lying by omission only harms Aziraphale in the long run.

Listen, I think it’s possible that Azzie thinks that Crowley only did the kiss because he didn’t want Aziraphale to leave at that moment, just another “Crowley thing” that he would do. It was piss-poor timing that was at the tail end of too many emotions and anger, and it’s easy to see how Azzie could have interpreted the kiss wrong. 

They both expressed wanting to be together, but misunderstandings will ensue because neither of them are good at communicating WHAT exactly "being together” entails. Crowley thinks Azzie means “working together side by side for a shitty company”. Aziraphale thinks Crowley means “just doing what we always do and having fun doing it”, both without shifting the status quo, when in fact they both mean “I can’t see myself with anyone but you and I want you forever in any way we can be, let’s please shift the status quo”. 

Then Crowley made the situation worse (though I do think he was VERY brave in doing it because WE the audience know his intentions are true and honest) by adding a kiss into the mix when they’re both upset and angry at each other. Both are left crying (Aziraphale turns around when the Metatron arrives, and there’s NO reason he should unless it’s to wipe his eyes. And Crowley deliberately put his glasses back on, so I think it was to cover up the tears) and no one gets what they truly want.

I think we’ll get a payoff for this next season, when they’re finally BOTH on the same page and NOT misunderstanding each other. I think there will be a “did you mean it?” from Aziraphale, and then a verbalized “I love you (or a variation of those words)” from Crowley, and then the paralleled line of “our side” I mentioned in the Gabe & Beez section. I think there will be a better, more satisfying kiss next season. I really do have faith about that.

Other AziraCrow Things

I saw a meme that put it best: “Aziraphale fell first, but Crowley fell HARDER”. I think Crowley is more comfortable in his pining because he’s not constrained by the same hangups and “obligations” that Aziraphale has. Aziraphale is worried that it’s “sinful” to love a demon.

I mentioned this before in the Raphael section, but I want to reiterate the point about The Miracle, because it’s SUPER important that this was a big plot point. The fact that it was so strong for something apparently so minuscule according to them proves that they are better together, and now that Heaven is aware that their powers combined to create that miracle, they absolutely want to keep the two of them apart. They suddenly became very aware that Aziraphale and Crowley are RIDICULOUSLY stronger together, because if a tiny miracle can set off alarms in Heaven, what can two full miracles combined create? I feel like this is a BIG Chekov’s gun for S3. 

I think a large part about why Crowley is offended by Aziraphale’s acceptance of the job offer is because Crowley is upset that he’s not enough for Aziraphale, especially when he rejected Beez’s offer for Aziraphale. His voice shakes when he asked what Aziraphale did. He’s hurt.

THE TOUCHING in this season is insane. It’s so casual and it’s EVERYWHERE. Their relationship, when it’s finally actualized, is going to be heart wrenching in a good way, the “good sort of hurt”. I truly do believe AziraCrow is endgame.

It amuses me to no end that the fact that these two idiots and their one braincell think that they can make a human relationship work when they’ve been mutually pining over each other for 6,000+ years with very little progress. And good lord, they both take their advice from fiction. It’s hilarious.

Aziraphale’s unending faith in Crowley’s “goodness” also kills me. I love that Crowley actually never wants to kill anything, he’s literally just trying to get by without getting caught, and he always gently encourages Aziraphale to do the same. He cares so much about being gentle with Aziraphale. The scene on the rock where Crowley is SO SOFT with Aziraphale melted my heart. It’s so sweet.

I LOVE that it was CROWLEY who got Aziraphale into food and drinks. It explains a LOT about why Crowley likes watching Aziraphale eat. HE did that. It was his first “gift” to Aziraphale (to his knowledge at this stage, when really it was Crowley’s smile at making the universe that really did it).

Crowley’s devotion to making Aziraphale happy while Azzie is just oblivious to how Crowley feels hurts a LOT, but I want to expand more upon this in my followup reblog to my relationship meta. I see myself SO MUCH in Azzie it’s goddamned scary.

Actually, I don’t think Aziraphale is oblivious to be mean, since he makes a point that “rescuing me makes him so happy”, BUT I think Aziraphale might misinterpret Crowley’s devotion as “Crowley wanting to do good” and not “omg he’s in love with me and wants me safe always”. Which I think is why Azzie is naïve enough to believe that Crowley actually WANTS to do good and not get in trouble for it, so thinks that Crowley will jump at the chance to go back to Heaven with him. Aziraphale always saw the rescues and the saving of children and animals on the same level –  as a demon fighting against his nature – when in reality it’s a demon who just does what he wants because he cares about everything and Aziraphale happens to be at the top of that list.

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THE METATRON and AZIRAPHALE’S DECISION

This section will be short since I actually covered a large chunk of it in my Manipulation of the Metatron Meta Reply a couple days ago, so please go read that if you’re interested. The shortened, summarized version of that is this:

The Metatron is playing Aziraphale, and he’s only using Aziraphale to bring about Armageddon 2.0, using Aziraphale’s desire to be needed and useful against him. Azzie DIDN’T see what Crowley saw in Heaven when he accessed the files and I don’t think he knows about the Book of Life Threat that was the punishment for harbouring Gabriel, either. Only Crowley knew about that, but didn’t tell Azzie (again, a huge problem in their communication that needs to be worked out).

Heaven and the Metatron KNOW that Crowley is a liability and I suspect they also know how powerful they are together. They needed to drive a wedge between them, and knew Aziraphale was pure-hearted enough to believe that he could make a difference, AND that Crowley would never take up the offer that was presented given his vocal disdain for both Heaven and Hell. 

And they chose Aziraphale as opposed to the other angels because the angels actually lust for the power, and that can be unpredictable. But because Azzie has ALWAYS only wanted to do Good with no ulterior motives other than to Make Everything Better, he is easier to manipulate. Crowley is the bargaining chip that will be used against Azzie if he attempts to go rogue like Gabe, that I am pretty certain about. I think that Azzie will find out about the Book of Life because they’ll place blame on Crowley for harbouring Gabriel. Aziraphale has no idea that Gabriel really didn’t have any power. The minute Gabe turned against them, a trial and ousting happened. Aziraphale got himself into a no-win situation, and upon discovering this, he’ll believe that, because he rejected Crowley, Crowley won’t come to save him this time, so to save Crowley, Azzie will go along with the plan. Crowley’s life will literally be in Aziraphale’s hands.

I’ve no idea how Crowley will find out about it (from Muriel maybe?), but Crowley’s POV will be the primary focus next season (since this season was Azzie’s) and we’re gonna see a vengeful demon and I’m here for it. Will there be a dramatic rescue or sacrifice? I think so. Not sure who the whump candle will go to, but my bet is on Crowley this time since we got Aziraphale in S1. Who knows. I’m all for “Aziraphale is hurt, so now Crowley goes feral”, but that’s a personal preference that I can get from fanfics, LOL.

Anyway, the long-short is that this job will be the wake-up call Azzie needs to finally see what Crowley saw, without the manipulation of words to confuse him. That Azzie can’t just “make things better” because he will never be allowed to make things better. As a Supreme Archangel, he will have the clearance and ability to find out everything Crowley did. Unfortunately, it will be too late... or will it? ...

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OTHER THINGS ON MY MIND (that I didn’t know where else to put)

Aziraphale NEVER FELL because they didn’t want it to look like an Institutional Problem. I even hazard a guess that NO angel has ever Fell since the Initial and Only Fall that sent Satan, Crowley and the other demons down. But Aziraphale doesn’t know that and I suspect that it’s this constant fear of Falling that keeps him complacent to Heaven. He’ll find out how they’ve really been dealing with problems when he’s in his new position.

And I think Azzie also never fell because Crowley made a point to never ever snitch. He knows they would eat him alive in Hell, so he protects Azzie from that as well.

I love that the Bentley clearly has a favourite and it isn’t Crowley!!! The car literally tries to follow Aziraphale. It’s so cute.

And on the subject of the Bentley... Crowley can feel everything going on with his car?? So like... is that a metaphor for Aziraphale being inside Crowley or.....? hee hee heeeeeee.

I loved that David got to use his natural accent in the Edinburgh scenes. IT’S SO PRECIOUS OMG.

And and and while Crowley was high off his rocker, he clearly says “Where are you??? 😢” and Aziraphale had to reassure him that he was there. So sweet.

Aziraphale and his inability to do literally anything humans do “the normal way” (mobile phone use, be a “newspaper man”, properly drive, learn French properly) while turning around and lowkey mocking Muriel is... something else. What a hypocritical dork.

The realization that they have a WHOLE-ASSED apology dance hit me like a tonne of bricks, and we KNOW it’s coming back in S3. There needs to be an entire cabaret from Azzie this time ‘round, LOL.

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FINAL THOUGHTS

I adored season two, more than season one for sure, and I loved that it built up upon the AziraCrow relationship. It was an interlude that lets us know that they’re sort of in a rut, stuck in a status quo that both are afraid of changing, and that they both need a catalyst event to happen to truly be together.

I remain more hopeful and certain for a satisfying conclusion to their arc than I ever have before. Which is saying a lot because privately, after Sherlock S4, I kind of was ready to not put my faith in another show to canonize a ship I love ever again. 

But there’s a huge difference between this finale and Sherlock S4′s finale: GO S2 DOESN’T feel complete, and Neil wants to finish the story.  I went into more detail about it on this post here, but essentially it boils down to S4 left me feeling hollow and empty because its 4th season felt so detached from what we already saw. It felt like the closing of a book with the wrong pages in it, with no confirmation in sight of concluding the series proper with the S5 they’ve been promising for years. GOS2, on the other hand, left us feeling like everything’s WRONG but in the right way, you know what I mean? Like there is a part two to this saga to be completed. And that Neil himself seems determined to finish the story regardless of what happens.

I like to think that both Michael and David know what Gaiman plans for the endgame of their characters, given that Gaiman HAS said he does “have the final fifteen pages of Episode 6 [...] written. Given what we got in S2 with The Kiss, and Michael and David’s adoration for this story and its characters, I am hopeful that Neil entrusted them with what he wants for AziraCrow. They in turn play those characters better for it. 

So yeah, maybe I’m just putting clown shoes back on with this one, but I will remain... optimistically skeptical. Like, I REALLY want and believe that AziraCrow is endgame, that the Husbands will be actual husbands, but I also will remain skeptical that it can happen and not be upset if it doesn’t. I got a kiss (a terrible one, but a kiss nonetheless). I got a tonne of touching. I got them dancing together. I think that’s more than we ever could have hoped for, and it’s already leagues above what I am used to.

To conclude, here are some more questions, thoughts, and hopes for S3:

There are SO many “Chekov gun” moments in play in S2 currently, little things that really seem so pointless to have introduced (like the apology dance) and I am TRULY hoping that it’s true that Gaiman didn’t put things in this series unless it’s important later. I feel it will all come back around. Where S1 had open and closed plot points, S2 did NOT. 

Why was Crowley able to get into Heaven without any issue? Is THIS part of the Ineffable Plan? Why does Crowley not want anyone to know who he was before the Fall? It’s clear Crowley POSSIBLY knows more than he lets on about Everything. I think he was at one time the Supreme Archangel... Gabriel’s banishment could foreshadow this, given that Gabe is deliberately used as a Crowley mirror in this season.

I hope for a stupidly emotional, makes-me-sob-fat-tears, reunion, confession and acceptance of each other. Oh, and of course, the infamous cottage in Sussex we all hope for. I am a SUCKER for emotional beats and I CRAVE it.

Oh, and a HUGE apology dance from Aziraphale. You introduced that shit, I want to see Azzie go all out in return.

I think Crowley will be the first one to confess verbally. The Gabriel mirror kind of sealed that for me.

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FINALLY, that’s that! Thank you for reading all the way through, if you did. Again, as I alluded to in my introduction, I may expand upon a few sections of this meta on other posts in the upcoming weeks as I catch more and more things, and start integrating other people’s meta into my own theories.

Apologies for any errors in this, it took me nearly 2 days to write and a very tired couple proofreads through it to clean up hanging text.

I hope you enjoyed my foray back into meta-writing, and please, do not hesitate to send me an ask to either of my blogs if you wish for me to expand more on a topic.

Cheers, and good day 💙🖤

[chenfordsbby]

"The Ride Along"

Season 1 Episode 7: “The Ride Along”

“Sergeant Grey informs Nolan and officer Bishop that they are going to have a movie director as a ride-along.  Bradford learns that his wife has been arrested for drug possession”

Original Air Date: December 4th, 2018

Written By: Robert Bella

Directed By: Cherie Nowlan

Before we start another episode, I just want to express all of the continued love and support and likes and re-blogs and thought and opinions on everything that I have shared so far!  I know there has been a multitude of re-watch blogs this hiatus so for everyone who has stuck with me and will continue to stick with me, the appreciation is endless so thank you!!  With that being said, shall we begin!

This is the best cold open we have seen so far, with the cutest premise of why it was done, “Make-a- Cop Wish Foundation”! One of the many reasons why this show is flat out amazing.

Ben is back, and putting Nolan in his place, get out there and stop being a sad little puppy.  I mean, Nolan is acting like a whiny child.  If this is how he is acting after the breakup with Lucy, who he was only dating for a few months, I can only imagine how he acted after his divorce from his wife of 20 years. 

Im glad there is another episode with Lucys hair still in her braid buns, I wish they lasted longer.

Grey asks what one of the worst days on the job can be with the vets giving all different answers, but according to Grey, it is The VIP Ride Along.  The officers have to limit the calls they take as to not put the VIP in any danger, have to make sure the VIP is getting treated as such, but also while still doing there job as well. “He doesn’t get anywhere near danger” Sounds like its going to be a slow day for Bishop and Nolan.  Every call that comes in over the radio gets bypassed by Nolan and Bishop until they get a less than thrilling one, no action to put the VIP in danger.   They respond to the call which seems to be innocent, but Bishop and Nolan enter a house unsecured which reveals a dead body.  VIP continues to want to toss money around to make this house call pass by, which shows his arrogance, this is something exciting for him, but for John and Talia, this is the proper protocol for what they have to do when put in this situation, this is still their job, and they need to do it the right way, no matter if VIP is there or not. 

Bishop and Nolan respond to another call, a family disturbance.  Nolan and Bishop both see that the distressed man has mental issues and they quickly de-escalate the situation without any force.  They inform the family that he will be placed in a 24 hour mental facility hold which is better suited for their brother than putting him in a jail holding cell.

Taking Ben’s advice, John accepts the invitation to go to VIP’s house party that night and maybe it was a good thing he was there too- he saved a girl from being roofied!  I still appreciate that Nolan is still the comedic factor of every episode in some way. The next day, while out on patrol John and Talia answer a personal call on Johns phone and it is VIP under attack from the family of the disturbance call from the previous day. Turns out maybe VIP isn’t such a bad guy after all- he called up the family from the previous days arrest and offered to pay for a spot in a mental facility and they took it completely the wrong way and attacked him.  Ive said it before and I’ll say it again, as much as Nolan is the comedy relief, he also has a way with his words and he knows how to use them well- he could talk himself and others out of any situation.  At the end of the episode, John video calls his son, and it’s the first time we see him being a dad!  Obviously we are going to see him again soon as John mentions he will buy tickets to fly his son out to LA!  This show continues to have a good balance between the professional and personal aspects of all of their characters!

This is the first we hear of Angela being interested in the open detective position.    Angela wants to move up, and thanks to Jackson, she has some inside intel.  When Angela and Jackson respond to the 9-1-1 call, they see a kid electrocuting himself, solely to get an adrenaline rush.  Jackson is quick to make an arrest, but Angela stops him after doing a quick canvas of the scene.  She spots all stolen hospital property,  and is already thinking 5 steps ahead: you have to go through all of the minnows to get to the big shark. 

Angela’s detectives skills are very visible and apparent this episode, she knows how good she can be as a detective and she wants to make it known.  Not only is she putting her potential detective skills in use, but she is also teaching Jackson how to long for a bigger picture in making certain arrests happen, also like thinking of a food chain, how to use the bottom feeders to get to the top.  At the end of the episode though, it turns out that Angela got way ahead of herself and the big guy on top turns out to be a dead end as Captain Anderson informs them.  The prospect of Angela potentially getting the tap and becoming detective got the best of her that day and she got a little over her head?  It’s upsetting for Angela, but Jackson is there for her every step of the way and continues to support her.  It is nice to see Angela and Jacksons budding friendship in this episode, it seems to be evolving into a really special bond. 

Now onto the #Chenford of it all (our favorite part of every episode)!

Tim and Lucy are still at the station, with Tim un-patiently waiting for Lucy to grab their shops gear when Grey summons Tim into his office.  Once in the office, Grey informs Tim of a recent drug bust, and the arrested suspect is Isabel.  You can see Tim’s heart drop into his stomach at that news.  I wish we could be inside Tim’s head here, because he is clearly reeling from this information.  Tim hasn’t seen or heard from Isabel in a year, and then after one random day while on the job, she’s back in his life and not the way that Tim was hoping for.  Every time he’s seen her since, its been at the police station, and it is evident she is till on drugs, which continues to cause major stress on their already strained marriage.  How much more can it take?  How much more can Tim take?

It’s like Tim is in the twilight zone for a bit this episode.  He doesn’t know what to think, act or feel, and is kind of just there.  For a man who claims to never show no emotion, you can see every one written across his face and in his eyes when he watches from afar, the detectives bring Isabel into the station.  I wish I could jump though my screen and give Tim a hug.  I feel like that’s what he needs right now, a hug from someone who will never let him go. (Ahem Lucy!!!)

The detectives let Grey and Tim in on what is going on with Isabel and what will happen with her now that she was arrested.  Isabel is deep with heroin, and with other heroin dealers. The detectives do make a good point, “Is he a cop or the suspects husband”; Tim is really caught between a rock and a hard place in this episode.  Does he put his feelings aside and practice what he preaches to Lucy and be the cop, or does he put his professionalism on the back burner and be Isabels husband in her time of need and help her out, even though she probably doesn’t deserve it.  What is Tim to do, or feel? 

Tim and Lucy bring in a suspect for public urination, but I think it is a ruse for Tim to get himself bak to the station to see Isabel, I mean, even Lucy knows this arrest is nonsense but she has Tim’s back, so she just does as he says.  Lucy spots Tim looking at Isabel and lets him know that shell keep an eye out for the detectives so he can have a conversation with Isabel.

We know what Tim and Isabels relationship is like now, but it makes me wonder what their relationship was like for the past 10 years.  How long was it good until it got bad?  How were they at work together? How were they like at home?  This episode makes me want to know so much more about Tim.  Isabel knows she’s in big trouble for heroin possession, which is why she asks Tim to do the unthinkable and get rid of the stashed heroin at her ‘sometimes boyfriends’ house so the cops don’t find it when they raid the apartment. I can only imagine how that made Tim feel- having your current wife talk about her boyfriend, like a knife to an already bleeding wound.  In my opinion, I think Isabel begging Tim to help her is out of pure selfishness.  She knows what will happen to her if she goes to prison, and she will do any means necessary to stay out of it, and that includes begging Tim to help her with this. In no way does she ever think about what she’s asking Tim to do will affect him, but why would she though.  It’s an interesting choice when the camera pans to Lucy right after Isabel asks him to hide her stash, I wonder why?

Later that night, a stealthy looking Tim breaks himself into Isabels apartment, he opens the heating unit and finds the heroin exactly where Isabel said it would be, and in that moment we don’t see what his decision is as he’s back on the streets.  Is this rock bottom for Tim and Isabel’s relationship?  When they exchanged vows 10 years ago, I don’t think Isabel asking Tim to confiscate kilos of heroin from her sometimes boyfriends apartment was a thought.  How does not only a strained relationship, but also strained marriage recover from a situation like this?  I mean, can it ever recover and go back to what it used to be?

Tim almost gets in his car until Lucy steps out of hers.  My first though when Lucy gets out of her car is how did she know that Tim was going to be there, but it brings us back to when Lucy was listening into the conversation between Tim and Isabel in the holding cell, Lucy has always been listening, this entire time. 

Lucy is there for Tim.  Just like we don’t know what Tim decided to do, neither does Lucy, but that doesn’t matter.  Tim and Lucy have only known each other for 2 months, but in those 2 months, Lucy has learned who Tim is.  I mean he doesn’t make it easy for her to forget.  Lucy knows that if he does help her, it will completely change him as not only a cop, but a person and maybe even as a husband.  That is why Lucy is there, to remind Tim of that, and after she does, is silence is loud. There is no response from him, he just walks away and I really do believe it’s because he knows that she’s right.  Lucy knows that if Tim did this for Isabel, it would just put her back on the streets, and right back into a cycle, learning nothing from it.  Lucy just knows. There was no reason why Lucy needed to show up that night to talk to Tim, she just knew that she had to, no matter how much shit she would get for it from him the next day. This was one of those moments that furthered their friendship, even though neither of them realized it at the time.  

The next morning, Tim pretends as if nothing happened from the previous night. His  decision is revealed that he actually didn’t help Isabel and he left the heroin in the apartment as told to us by Grey.  Lucy tells Tim that he did the right thing, so why does Tim look like he didn’t.  Not that Isabel deserves anything from Tim, but he apologies to her that he didn’t or couldn’t help her and she is quick to dismiss it; which just shows how much she isn’t willing to change.  At no point in this entire episode was Isabel thinking of anybody but herself whereas Tim was thinking of everybody but himself.  And by everybody, I mean Isabel.  She claims that because of what Tim didn’t do, that they will never know if she could’ve actually changed and gotten her life together, but I think that deep down, Tim knows that she would’ve just ended right back in the streets, repeating the same cycle.  And that’s why he made the choices that he made.  Isabel’s lashing out at Tim is misplaced and uncalled for and Tim just takes it, what else can he do, he just signed over a prison sentence to his wife. 

At the end of this episode, Tim is sitting in silence in his car when Angela and Talia show up and enter his space.  They already know what Tim is going to say, but that doesn’t mater for them, whether he likes it or not, the girls are there for him, jus like they have been and always will be.  That is what friends do.  Angela and Talia were friends with not only Tim, but Isabel as well, and watched the marriage start to fall apart and they are going to be there to pick up all of Tim’s broken pieces and help put them back together again; well mainly Angela, and a lot of Lucy, because Lucy is and will always be exactly who Tim needs, he just doesn’t know it yet!

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Honorable Mention: Lucy’s baby, her car!

Episode Peak: Jackson & Angela

Episode Pit: Distraught Tim

Quote of the Episode: “No, I came here to remind you that you’ll regret helping her.  Because it’s not gonna change her, but it’ll sure as hell change you” ~ Lucy Chen

Episode Rating: 8/10.  I enjoyed this episode.  Not only did it give us one of the best Season1 Chenford scenes, but it also shows the blooming friendship between Jackson and Angela! 

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Another episode down! Thank you, thank you, thank you again for reading and chiming in! I truly appreciate it! 7 episode down, only 91 more to go!!!!

Until next time on, "Get in the Shop"...

[fastlanewithjeff]

Becoming a Technician

As my first entry into this automotive blog, I will provide some information about my experience becoming a technician. This post will answer questions for people who are considering becoming a technician. I went to technical school in 2015 and graduated from the T-Ten or Technician Training and Enhancement Network in 2017. T-Ten is a technical program specifically for Toyota and Lexus vehicles. My graduating class consisted of me and about 5 others. There were about 30 at the start of the program. It is a shame because graduating has put me in a position today to own a home a live comfortably. For the most part, the people who failed simply weren’t motivated to take the steps necessary to complete the program. The question is why spend the time going to class in the first place? Many of them never bothered searching for a job at a dealer which is a requirement for graduation. Halfway through the program, I landed a job at Lexus of Escondido. I was thrilled to land the job, but I’ll be honest it only paid a bit over minimum wage. My first job title was “Quick Service Technician.” This meant I would be doing light services and pre-delivery inspections. Quick Service was also responsible for taking out the trash and cleaning the shop at the time I was hired. Depending on which dealership you start at you may be asked to do menial tasks such as washing cars, working as a porter, or even shop cleaning duties. If the dealer provides a clear path for advancement, you are on the right track. If a dealer isn’t treating you right as a technician, then remember a saying I first heard from my T-Ten instructor; “Your toolbox has wheels for a reason.” I worked in quick service from June 2016 until about May 2017 when I was promoted to flat-rate technician. This is the big league. When you are working at a dealer like I do, you are a bumper-to-bumper technician, meaning they will expect you to do anything from seat upholstery to engine overhaul and everything in between. Flat rate means that you are paid for the work you complete rather than per hour. For instance, an alignment pays 2 hours, it won't matter if you finish in 1 or 3, you will be paid 2 hours. Both speed and efficiency are key to making a big salary. Flat-rate technicians can expect to make anywhere from $60-120K per year. A lot of that difference is in how many hours a technician flags. In my experience, technical school alone does not adequately prepare someone for Flat-rate. I had to work long hours in the beginning to make just 8 hours a day. It is important to make connections while you are an hourly employee and take advice from a friendly technician who wants to give it.

[ruki--mukami]

Any tips for getting into rp?

🧩 Certainly, I’ll try to make it short and simple. Honestly even now I don’t consider myself the best RPer by any means, but I think this past year has given me a lot of experience with it so I will try to share what I have learned. 

Know your limits. It’s obvious I struggle with this one a lot, because I am stubborn and love to throw Ruki at people, lol. But you should have an idea of what kind of threads you want to have, the people who want to interact with, etc. Do you want to RP with ten people? 20? 30? Keep in mind that the more people you interact with, the more you will have to write to keep the threads cohesive. It’s for this reason I recommend starting off with a small handful of people before moving on to larger quantities such as 15 or more RP partners. Even 10 is already a lot, honestly. However, if you slowly branch out, you can strategically plan yourself to have more developed relationships with others and newer ones simultaneously, and thus enjoy the best of both worlds. For instance, everyday I have Ruki interact with both long-time romantic partners and those he just met recently, so this way I get to explore two very different versions of him. 

Read, read, and read some more. I’m talking about the rules and character information of the people you plan on RPing with. There is nothing more embarrassing than interacting with someone and you actually don’t know a single thing about their character beforehand. What are the admin/mun/author’s rules? What are their characters’ likes and dislikes? What are their hobbies? Use this information to determine how they might meet your character for the first time. For instance, you definitely don’t wanna have your muse meet theirs at school if they don’t even attend. The admin will probably look at you funny and go, “well… this is awkward.”

Don’t godmod. People generally don’t appreciate it when you speak for their character, force them to move outside of necessary actions (i.e., walking somewhere they agreed upon together). There is nothing more infuriating than opening an interaction and I see Ruki’s dialogue is already there. What is the point of even interacting then? I’m sure others feel the same. It doesn’t matter how spot on with your dialogue you were, in-character or not, no one will probably enjoy any sort of godmodding. Instead, I highly recommend discussing what is and isn’t acceptable with the admin before making any especially crazy moves. 

Whether it’s literate or more informal, at least establish a clear difference between what is being said, what is being done, what is being thought, etc. Character dialogue, actions, and thoughts should all have distinctions. You can use quotations, brackets, whatever suits your needs, just make sure other people can tell what is going on. You don’t want to type your starters like: “Hi, my name is Ruki. He extended his hand politely. I go to the library occasionally.” This gets really confusing really quickly. It’s thanks to context clues that we can tell he probably didn’t mean to say the middle sentence, but just don’t write like this. It’s awkward. 

Get out there and be sociable. Waiting and waiting for people to interact with you just isn’t realistic. Sometimes you need to be the initiator if there is someone you really want to RP with. I’m simply one of those blogs who is lucky to receive many interactions even if I don’t initiate a lot of them, but chances are, new blogs will hardly get anywhere if you sit and stay in one place. Now is not the time to be shy if you want your character to thrive and have many interactions. The worst thing they can do is ignore you, and in that case I recommend moving on to someone who is actually willing to interact. It may take some time, but eventually you’ll click with someone who really loves to interact with you!

Write in Motivation-Reaction units (MRUs). The interactions should read like a cause-and-effect. Your muse acts and then reacts to what is being done, for example, “Ruki sank his fangs into her neck and groaned from the sweet taste of her blood.” Here you can see he is performing an action, and then responding to what is being done. Body language and inner monologue is so, so important. The next person might reply, “She recoiled and bellowed out from pain once the blood left her veins.” Then, it’s always good to add a new bit of action or dialogue with each reply to keep the interaction going. Keep the replies a good mix between reacting to the previous segment + adding your own new things as well. 

Stay true to your character. If you want your muse to come off as regal and sophisticated, making them talk like a street rat probably isn’t going to work out well for you.

Avoid forcing relationships. Most people want to develop things properly, which takes time. I’m not saying you need to write a slow burn, but keep your RP partner’s motivations and ambitions in mind, too. For example, your muse probably wouldn’t like it if someone approached them like “tell me all 50 reasons why you love me” when they barely know each other. It just doesn’t make sense. Unless you’ve received approval and permission from the admin beforehand, do not make your muse act like they have an established romance with the other person already. 

Don’t cry about word count too much. Yes, it’s nice to match the other person’s effort on the dot, but I think most people are understanding in that if you reply 400 words to their 600 word reply, they probably won’t shun you for it. Just don’t reply a one-liner to people’s multi-paragraph starter. That tells them you have no interest in interacting whatsoever and then they probably won’t reply to you anymore ever again. 

Remember that it’s all about taking turns. The other person cannot “take their turn” if there is nothing interesting to interact with in the first place. For instance, don’t send a starter to someone in which your muse is just doing their own thing, isolated from everyone else. In my case, Ruki probably isn’t going to care if he sees someone at the grocery store struggling over whole milk or half-and-half. He’d just grab his food items, put it in his basket, then go about his day without saying anything to your muse. Even the classic character A bumps into character B is more salvageable than this (don’t follow that formula either though). You’ll want your muse to directly approach him in some kind of way, since he and many other characters are very aloof and keep to themselves. Or, alternatively, if you want your muse to meet someone else but you aren’t sure how to go about it, you can message the admin as well and see if they are willing to write you a starter themselves. That way, they can control how their character meets yours. I, personally, am always down to write a quick starter if you are stumped but want to interact. Communication is key. 

And, I think that’s it for now. I’ll probably edit and add more points as I remember them, but I think these ten are good to start off with. Happy roleplaying and remember it is all about having fun. 🧩

[trueandhonestspider]

Minors and hateful people not interacting makes sense, but why a blanket dni on all men? Don't you believe inclusion breaks barriers? Should we not share amd celebrate our differences as much as our commonality? I don't know what a terf is.

tw: sexual abuse

so first of all, you sending an ask in the first place only further proves to me that many men are just completely incapable of respecting women in regard to their very obviously declared boundaries, whether that be because they are simply too ignorant to understand them or because they are so full of entitlement that the very few instances they are told: “no, i don’t want you here” they just refuse to listen because they believe that even though they have been explicitly told they are not wanted somewhere, they still believe they deserve to be there. however, because i’m feeling understanding today i’ll give you and every other obnoxious entitled man who feels like they deserve to be in a space they have been explicitly excluded from an answer. because my blog has grown to a pretty big size over the past 2 years and i’m honestly tired of DMs and asks and follows from men who just completely ignore my requests.

first of all, this blog is very clearly nsfw. here i discuss my desires, my fantasies, and other miscellaneous things that i only really feel like sharing with people i can relate to or am attracted to. and as i am constantly saying all of the time, I AM A LESBIAN!!! i have no interest in men and it makes me feel a pretty icky when a man is seeing that, disregarding it, and essentially calling me intolerant for not wanting him to engage with posts i am making… for other lesbians. which is. the entire point of this blog.

second, i have experienced very severe sexual trauma at the hands of men that, even if i weren’t a lesbian, would even still make me feel pretty gross about men on my blog. the entire reason this blog exists is because of paraphilia and kinks that developed AS A RESULT OF ABUSE AT THE HANDS OF MEN. it goes without saying that this would be the one place i do not want them to be. and honestly it’s a little weird to me that you felt so compelled to say something anyways. does it do something for you? does intruding upon private female spaces and crossing boundaries excite you? people like you truly disgust me.

you seem to be making assumptions about my political leanings in your ask. i do not think it’s necessary to be 100% entirely inclusive to a fault, that’s ridiculous and no one truly believes you should do this except for legitimate idiots. as someone with a fully developed and rational brain i can understand that including certain types of people within a space is going to do more harm than good. like right now. you are free to share your thoughts and feelings about whatever you want anywhere else on the internet. but i don’t want you here, and i’m sure the majority of my followers wouldn’t want you here either. i said no, and that should be enough.

[iz-the-egoni]

I’ve been meaning to do one of these for a while so here goes…

whenever I say I’m an "elder" of disability on here or anywhere else, even IRL, the above is just one of the many things I use to justify it

the full collective of these form parts of a whole which I am deciding to show on my blog

gonna call it "The Other Kind of Rainbow Pride" 'cos of the class I was in during Primary school. One of the first dedicated autism classes in the world

NOTE that I’ve whited bits of it off so that no-one else may attempt to use this to nefarious ends

—————

I was born on the 13th of July 1992 – subsequently named "Dominic John Powers" – in England, specifically Epsom which is just outside of the south-western part of London, although I would grow up just inside of it. My bod was routinely Assigned Male At Birth, which is something that’ll bear much significance later so I’ll only bring it up when necessary

to slice a long bread short, I got diagnosed with Aspergers and ADHD, along with a couple other comorbidities, when I was about 4, which meant being put through a very emotionally brutal system in the mid 90s. Anyone who knows about English hospitals and the surrounding 'health' industry in that era will understand why that’s awful. We really were being experimented on

needless to say this left its lasting mark on me and the role I was to have now and especially later, something which I’m still working to surpass. Namely that of not quite an invalid, but neither a normality. In fact I was registered disabled by the state shortly after the DXing process, which led to a series of provisions getting issued by our council one of those being the "Blue Badge" I’ve posted above

amongst my family at the time only grandad had one, having suffered a severe and debilitating stroke about a decade prior. Indeed, much was the stigma of being a young child exiting a car parked in any disabled section and receiving abuse from the public most of whom had no idea about the implications of NeuroDiversity at the time, let alone the chronicity and complexity we faced

this continued into events which should have been fun such as at theme parks where my aidies (ADHD) made queuing impossible for me and would have caused danger on the rides had it not been compensated for. Other families accused us of "jumping the line", unaware of the challenges we dealt with in a society and culture where more than 99% of children just didn’t have the issues I and other aidies (people with ADHD) did and, in some of our cases, still do

that badge was due for renewal in 2003 which, given they expired every 3 years, means it got issued in 2000. It was my 2nd, the first being 1997. I was 5. Barely 1800 days old

and that is one of the many reasons I call myself an elder and act as such. As someone who has risen above a LOT over a long period of time, and endured much when not a lot of people were, I have in most cases almost unique experience and thus insight into many of the issues us mentally disabled people face and how it extends unto our physical existences

—————

to close then, I’ll say this…

no one is inherently more disabled than anyone else. However, some people are merely un-abled, meaning they have no advantage over anyone else. Imagine what it feels like and does to someone being actively disadvantaged. That will objectively leave you with more disability than another…

[bisluthq]

Nah Nat, when I saw people talking about it here I looked up “Joe Lorene” here and I found a blog talking about it. The person who runs the blog didn’t seem to think they’re together and I don’t know how many different anons were talking about it or if it was just one, but there’s definitely at least one more blog here to talked about Joe and Lorene

lol why tho 😭😭😭😭😭

p sure it’s legit that one singular anon that started all this shit lmfaoooo like because I’ve seen no evidence of discussion of this anywhere before that one persistent anon??? Fine it could have been happening in private chats on Twitter or elsewhere idk that’s well possible but then why anon telling blogs about it like let your crazy group chatting stay in the group chat yk how many crazy theories I’ve shared with @swiftmixermonster privately right and ironically obviously one of them did turn out to be correct and that was Question for Matty/Tatty 2.0 beginnings but also I feel like if you throw enough shit at the wall some of that shit will inevitably stick right. But bigger proof for me it’s one singular anon stirring shit (again idek what anon’s reasons for that are lol that remains hazy for me atp) is anon sending multiple messages to me (and perhaps to other blogs idk I’ll go look now Tumblr search functions are so so bad and I have my bf’s college friends staying with us at the moment so that’s gonna be like a very very busy week because they have two kids on the spectrum one of whom’s non verbal and obviously we will want to go out with the friends and like I had to do a lot of tidying and organizing to fit all of these people and I have a crazy full house rn anyway long story short I have my own problems lol not just Joe’s dick) saying shit like “why are Swifties being so mean to Lorene” and like call me Susan and fuck me sideways, I fell for that shit. I shouldn’t have published it when… I went to Lorene’s comments and no one was mean to her but I fell for it because I forgot for a half second that I’m not actually talking to a group chat or @swiftmixermonster and I published a debunk thereby adding fuel to something that is not a fire lol.

it’s legit just two people who know each other (perhaps biblically idk their lives but I have no reason to think that any more than any other woman who’s presently single and hangs with Joe and his friends lol).

[longlivebatart]

Since my friend was kind enough to feature me as their first podcast recommendation, I figured I might as well help pad out their brand-new blog!

Disclaimer: I'm still in my first season, with ten episodes under my belt, but I feel like my experience will help any others who haven't started a podcast yet! This is going to be a monster of a post, so the rest will be under the cut.

So you want to start a podcast. Great! It’s a fantastic way to get your (literal) voice out there. Podcasts are one of the last few truly individual and democratic ways of media- there are no massive corporations trying to get a stranglehold. Anyone with the technology can make one, so  there’s no barrier to entry.

Whether you want to do a fiction or nonfiction podcast, I’m sure you have an idea (or twenty) that you want to do. But you’re nervous because there are so many guides and advice out there. Fear not, I did a lot of research before I started this podcast, so I can share some tips, tricks, and general advice.

Step 1: Get over yourself

This may sound harsh, but it needs to be said. No one will care about your podcast more than you do. That’s just the reality. But as bad as that sounds, there’s a good part too- it means no one will be listening to it as closely as you do. So if you miss an ‘um’ or a click or a whatever during editing, chances are no one will notice. 

You also have to go into podcasting for the right reasons. If your reason is ‘to make a bunch of money,’ then you’re going to be disappointed. Monetization is years down the line and probably won’t be a lot anyway. 

But if your reason to go into podcasting is to have fun or to just share what's unique about you with the world, you'll have a good time.

And I'll be honest, I had a hard time doing this step too. It was me being arrogant but at the same time insecure. I have a speech impediment plus a very thick regional accent and I thought that would hinder me. It didn't. 

Podcasting actually helped me get more confident in myself and remember that what I say matters. So if that's something you're looking for, go for it. 

Step 2: Research

So you have an idea. Or, rather, you think you have an idea. Chances are, your podcast idea is way too broad to appeal to anyone because you’re trying to appeal to everyone. I know, that seems counterintuitive- why would you exclude people from your potential audience when you don't even have one yet? But the more specific you can be, the better. It’s called a niche. So say you want to start a fitness podcast. You don’t want to do body building one episode and then yoga the next. That will just put your listener off because they will think that not every episode is applicable to them. And that’s what you want to do- find a niche so every single episode appeals to your audience. Narrow yourself down, and don’t worry if you think you’re being too specific. I’ll help with that later on. 

You want to ask yourself a few questions- what is the podcast about, why are you making this podcast, who are you making this podcast for, etc. There’s a great article that covers these questions- and more- right here. So answer those questions and you’ll have a great starting point. 

Step 3: Topic

Take that broad idea you have and figure out what exactly you have experience in or just have a lot to say about. Sticking with our fitness example, maybe think of yoga exclusively. And if you can get more specific than that, maybe yoga you can do in 10 minutes, that’s even better. Once you have the idea you want, it’s time to start looking to see who did it before you. Because no idea is completely original, and that’s fine! You will bring something completely individual to the table because there isn’t anyone exactly like you anywhere. So listen to those 10-minute yoga podcasts and see what they did and you can do different. Say you can think of yoga positions you can do in 10 minutes while in a chair. Fantastic, that’s a great niche to fit in. 

For myself, I did a lot of research into art podcasts and didn't find one that was like my idea. That doesn't mean there aren't any out there, it just meant that there were very few. That means a) there's limited competition and b) there's a gap in media catering to that subgroup. And it's ok if your audience is different than what you expect!

Also, be sure you have enough topic to cover multiple episodes. Some guides say 10 episodes, but I say go longer. A lot longer. Try 35 episodes. If that seems daunting, then this isn’t the topic for you. If you can’t make at least that many episodes, you’ll stall out and eventually drop off. And nothing is worse than podcasts that just end without wrapping up. So it’s good to know that before you start. 

This is a good time to plan out episodes- you have a bunch of ideas already! There’s this thing that people in the industry call ‘podfade’ where most podcasts fizzle and may even die after 7-10 episodes. I don’t want to happen to you. So make a bunch of ideas, structure them in a way that makes sense, and move from there. 

Step 4: Name

Next up is the name. Now, there are three general camps for names: the branded, the creative, and the descriptive. 

The branded is using your name or the name of your brand. Unless you have a really recognizable brand or you use your real name a lot and it’s easily recognizable, I wouldn’t go this route. Say someone who doesn’t know you finds your podcast, Mike Smith Fitness. Why would they click if they don’t know who Mike Smith is? If I used my name, it would be something like Sydney’s Art Podcast or An Art Gallery Tour with Sydney. Not as grabbing. 

The creative is what I chose. Creative names have to walk a fine line, though. You don’t want to go too obscure, otherwise it will be confusing. Take my podcast. It’s an art podcast with pure descriptions of artworks. So I started thinking of names that would be clever with that. I landed on the idea that bats use sound to ‘see’ the world. And people say ‘long live bad art’. So Long Live Bat Art was born. 

And the descriptive is describing what the podcast is about. Say I went with this option for my own podcast. I would have titled it something like Art Description Podcast. That's good for SEO- search engine optimization- and for letting people know right away what the podcast is about, but I'm not good at that. 

But you will have to go through a lot of iterations to find the best name for your podcast. For Long Live Bat Art I had a lot of ideas, most of them bad. And bad ideas are good, as long as you recognize they’re bad. Because bad ideas spark good ideas. So just don’t filter yourself, write all those ideas down. For example, I had ‘Negative Space,’ ‘Blocking In,’ ‘Illusion of Space,’ ‘A Different Perspective,’ ‘Visionless,’ ‘Echolocation,’ ‘SONAR[T],’ ‘Artistic Vision,’ and a more vague one that was considering using a pun on the term for a total lack of sight- amaurosis. Now, ‘SONAR[T]’ was pretty good, but I looked it up. It was similar to a podcast in French, [SON]ART.

You don’t want anything close to what you’re planning. Best case scenario, you’ll confuse listeners, worst you’ll direct traffic to the other podcast and not yours. And then you have to worry about intellectual theft suits. So just steer clear. 

And if you really want to protect your name, trademark it! Look up trademarking laws in your state and country and follow them. 

Step 5: Social Media

You want to get the names/handles/whatever for the social media sites you plan on using. My suggestion is a website, twitter, and instagram. Unless you think your audience will use other sites, then by all means, use those! 

You also might want to use a community part of a website/app. Start a Facebook group, or use a Discord server. This can be a place for you to interact directly with your audience, and for them to interact with you! 

For a website, you do want to buy a domain. It just makes it easier to give it out to people verbally, which is what you’ll be doing most of the time. So you don’t want a domain with lots of random numbers, or another company’s name in it, you want just a plain domain. And then once you have a domain, most code-free website builders have an option to click that you already have a domain. So put that in and get building! I won’t go into detail of how to do that here, but there are tons of videos and tutorials out there. But just play with it, see what you like. 

Step 6: Format

So you have your topic and name. Great! Now is the time for what form your podcast will take. Will it be an interview style? Will you have a co-host or multiple co-hosts? Will you fly solo?

This is also where you can start to think about if your podcast will be seasonal. And don’t feel like because you don’t have a fiction podcast, you can’t do seasonal. Long Live Bat Art is. 16 episodes a season, posted every other Friday starting from the first Friday in July. That’s 8 months of content. And then the rest of the active time can be spent promoting the podcast. But the most important part of season-based podcast is to RELAX. You give yourself a break. I won’t work for the 4 months off at all. If you’re scared people will forget about your podcast, put those doubts aside. Yeah, maybe a few people will. But if your show is good, most people won’t. Plus, there’s a handy-dandy thing called ‘subscribing’ that means that episodes will be delivered right to your listener’s feed without them doing a thing- they won’t have to remember, they’ll just get the episode.

This is also the time to decide how long your episodes will be. Don’t go searching the web for the ‘ideal’ length because spoiler alert: there isn’t one. Some podcasts are under ten minutes, some are over two hours. The answer for ‘how long should an episode be’ is kinda weird but at the same time super simple- ‘as long as it has to be and as short as you can get it.’ That means cutting all the fat and making sure every second is good content. If you have 45 minutes of great content, then your episode will be 45 minutes. Don’t try to cram 15 extra minutes of nothing to make it an even hour. 

Step 7: Write

Now it’s time to plan your episode. There are some people who like to write a word-for-word script- like I do- there are some that use bullet points, and some use a combination. There are reasons for all of them, and all of them suit different kinds of podcasts and people. 

Scripts are good for people who want to keep everything really tight in their show. They’re also pretty much necessary for fiction podcasts. But there are cons- if you’re not used to reading from a script and it’s a non-fiction podcast, you can sound really flat. And that’s not good listening. So try to write like you talk. Shove your inner English teacher into a closet and lock the door for a little bit. Don’t worry about not starting sentences with ‘and,’ ‘but,’ or ‘so.’ Don’t worry about sentence structure or past participle tense. This isn’t an essay, it’s a podcast script. I didn’t have to worry about that because I’m a former theater kid who got used to reading scripts. But if you don’t have that background, it can sound different. 

When you write a script, I recommend doing a few trial runs BEFORE you ever hit record. You’ll catch a lot of ways you want to change sentences to better suit how you talk. Because how you think you talk and how you actually talk is often a lot different. And don’t be afraid to go off-script! If you think of something you didn’t add, you can go and change it in the trial runs. That’s a lot harder to do later on, but not necessarily impossible. 

Bullet points are the loosest way you can prepare. They’re good for interview podcasts, for example. You want to have things you remember to touch on during the interview without having them word-for-word. But they’re not just for interviews! Do you like having the freedom to explore the conversation with your co-host(s) naturally? Bullet points might be the way to prepare for you. 

Any way you choose, there should be some preparation. You don’t want to sit down to record with just a topic in mind because then editing will be a nightmare. You’ll go off on tangents, you won’t complete thoughts, you’ll meander. Just do yourself the favor of putting some work on the front end so you have less on the back end. 

If possible, read your finished script to someone not on the podcast and see what they think! Ask them questions. Did they get bored or confused? 

And don’t think the episode content, or the meat, of the episode as the only thing you have to write. There are also things called ‘intros,’ ‘outros,’ ‘show notes,’ ‘episode descriptions,’ and ‘podcast descriptions.’ Don’t leave these for the last minute! They’re just as important, and most of the time more so, than your actual podcast recording. 

Intros are the introduction to the podcast. Every episode will be the first time someone listens to your show, and not everyone will start at the beginning. So be sure to hook the listener right away. Think of how long you yourself give podcasts to get you to listen, and be honest with yourself. My guess is most of you said ‘less than a minute’ or even ‘less than 30 seconds.’ And that’s fine! Your time is valuable. And so is your listeners’.

There are a few things most people include in their intros. The most important ones are the podcast name, the host’s name and credentials, the tagline, and a short description of what the episode will entail. Your podcast’s name is important because maybe someone has your podcast in a queue of all the podcasts they want to listen to. Most people listen to podcasts while doing other things, so they can’t stop and click to see what they’re listening to. So be sure to include that. Your name is just as important- listeners want to know a name to attach to the voice. And if you have any expertise in the field, definitely include that! You want to show the listener that you know your stuff and they should trust you. Even if you don’t have credentials, that can be equally as important. I don’t have a background in art, and I make sure to mention that at the beginning of every show. It tells the listener that I’m a beginner, just like they are. That can really put the listener at ease, knowing they won’t have a ton of technical jargon thrown at them. The tagline of your show is important, too. Think of it like a pitch, but slightly different. Say your podcast is about yoga you can do in 10 minutes in a chair. You want to say that! Let people know in one sentence what they need to know. And the episode description is a short summary or a teaser of what’s to come. It’s also helpful to put a little wish at the end. Here’s the intro for all of my podcast episodes: “Welcome to Long Live Bat Art, the podcast for art lovers who don’t see art as much as they want to. My name is Sydney and thank you for taking this slow tour through an art gallery with a casual art lover. Today, I’ll be talking about [ARTWORK by artist]. I hope you enjoy.”

See what I did? I named the podcast- Long Live Bat Art; I gave the tagline, ‘the podcast for art lovers who don’t see art as much as they want to;’ I introduced myself and my (lack of) credentials, ‘My name is Sydney and thank you for taking this slow tour through an art gallery with a casual art lover;’ and I gave a short description that will change from episode to episode, which is what artwork I’ll be talking about and by what artist; and my wish that the listener enjoys. 

Keep. The. Intro. Short. Keep in mind that minute or half a minute time frame. You don’t want the intro to last ten minutes. Potential listeners will skip your episode and possibly your podcast entirely and regular listeners will fast-forward. When you write the intro’s first draft feel free to jam it full of information, but remember to pare it down! Read it out loud and TIME YOURSELF. Keep it lean. 

Outros are just as important as intros. They’re what ease your listener out of the episode and entice them to listen to the next episode. Don’t leave it as an after-thought. Thank the listener for listening, make a call to action or two, and let them know when to expect the next episode. If you don’t know what a ‘call to action’ is, they’re pretty simple. They’re what you want your listeners to do. Tell a friend about the show. Follow you on social media. Leave a review. Subscribe to your newsletter. All calls to action, or CTAs. But don’t shove ten of them in one episode. If you ask too much, then your listener won’t do any. Keep them easy to do- you’re doing this for free, and it’s not a lot to ask your listeners to do something to help out. But keep them friendly! This is my outro: “If you liked this episode of Long Live Bat Art, please consider telling a friend and reviewing to help the podcast grow. You can also follow me on social media. Thank you for listening to this episode, and I will see you in two weeks.” Sometimes, I even leave off the 'follow me on social media.'

My outro anatomy is basic- two or three calls to action, a thanks, and a reminder of when the next episode is. You don’t have to go crazy. In fact, it’s better if you don’t. Try to keep the outro as lean as the intro. And don’t feel like you’re tied to your CTA- when you grow, you’ll find the need for different ones and you can always change it down the line.

Show notes are a little tricky. Some people swear by them, some people leave them for their own website. If you leave them on the podcast-listening site, think of them like an interesting bibliography. If you don’t remember what that is, it was the annoying last page you had to include in school essays listing where you got the information. But don’t think that if you don’t do research on your show, you can skip this part. Show notes, along with the episode description, show up under your episode on the podcast listening site, so make them interesting. Especially the first sentence, because that’s often the only thing people can see before hitting ‘see more.’ You want people to listen to your episode, and this is a good way to grab them. When they hit ‘see more,’ you want to make sure that the rest of the show notes are interesting and entice the listener to, well, listen. 

If you used sources, link them in the show notes. If you have social media, link them here. If you have a website, definitely link that here. If you use music, link the credit. If you do transcripts, link that here. And you can even time stamp the episode here. I generally have four or five in Long Live Bat Art- artist bio, story about the scene depicted (if included), the description of the art, my thoughts, and the challenge I pose at the end of every episode. They’re not necessary, but it is nice for repeat listeners to be able to skip to the part they want to hear. But you only get so many characters for show notes- 4,000 to be precise. If you have more than that, don’t fret. Leave a message- something like ‘the show notes for this episode are too long to be put here, so instead read them at’- and then put wherever you have them. 

Episode descriptions are NOT show notes. They’re the summary to the episode. Think of it like the episode blurb of your favorite TV show. Something that entices without giving away the plot. You don’t want to put the twist here. My episode notes end up something like “Sydney has stopped at [ARTWORK] for today’s episode. This artwork was [MEDIUM] by [ARTIST] and shows [SUBJECT]. [INTERESTING FACT ABOUT EPISODE/WHAT I LEARNED/FUNNY THING I TALKED ABOUT].” As you can see, they tend to change a lot, though, so don’t worry if a script doesn’t work. Be sure to under promise and over deliver here. It’s never good to have a description where you promise something exciting will happen and it either doesn’t or appears for a second. If you have a guest, put their name and credentials here! And give listeners who might not know who they are context.

And your podcast description is NOT your episode description. If episode descriptions are like episode blurbs of TV shows, the podcast description is the blurb for the whole series. You want to keep it broad so it encompasses what the podcast is about as a whole, and you want to make it specific enough to cater to your niche. Introduce yourself and your credentials here again so people know before ever clicking any episode. If your podcast is seasonal, write that so listeners don’t get confused if they discover you during the offseason and there’s no new episode. If you’re an interview podcast, put that too. Also put your pitch, what makes you unique here, and maybe even what you want your listener to walk away with or describe the listener to the listener. But be sure to under promise and over deliver again. My podcast description is: “So you want to see art more often than you do, or maybe you just want a fresh perspective on art you’ve seen before. Join your host, Sydney, on a slow tour through an art gallery. Every season will have a theme and each episode will be dedicated to one artwork. You’ll get a brief history of the artist before the description of the work and then you’ll get to hear Sydney’s thoughts on it. Because Sydney is a casual art fan you won’t hear overly complicated technical terms, or if you do then you’ll get an explanation of what the term means in plain English. Long Live Bat Art is seasonal, with 16 episodes a season posted every other Friday from the first Friday in July to 32 weeks later. The rest of the calendar year is the offseason.”

My description might seem long, but it really isn't. The max character limit is also 4,000, but you don’t want to come even close to that. No one likes a wall of text. But my description hits everything I mentioned- describe the listener to them, ‘so you want to see art more often than you do, or maybe you just want a fresh perspective on art you’ve seen before;’ I introduce myself and my (lack of) credentials, ‘because Sydney is a casual art fan you won’t hear overly complicated technical terms, or if you do then you’ll get an explanation of what the term means in plain English;’ my pitch, ‘a slow tour through an art gallery;’ I describe what the listener can expect from the podcast’s format, ‘every season will have a theme and each episode will be dedicated to one artwork’ and ‘Long Live Bat Art is seasonal, with 16 episodes a season posted every other Friday from the first Friday in July to 32 weeks later. The rest of the calendar year is the offseason;’ and what they can expect from each episode, ‘you’ll get a brief history of the artist before the description of the work and then you’ll get to hear Sydney’s thoughts on it.’ Every carefully-crafted sentence in the description has a purpose, which is what you should do. 

Step 7: Music

Music is optional but nice to have. They can help make even the most newbie podcaster seem more professional. Music to start, end, and transition between segments in the episode is fantastic. Music for under your voice is amazing. But don’t think you can choose any music without a problem. Even if you edit or change the music, you can still get nailed with a lawsuit. So keep it to royalty free music sites like purple planet. 

Think of what the vibe or content of your podcast is and pick music to match. Nothing is more jarring than pleasing ambient music before a heavy metal music podcast. You’ll do nothing but confuse and alienate listeners. The heavy metal fans will think the intro music isn’t their scene and click out, and the ones who enjoy the light music will be shocked at the content of the episode and click out. 

Here’s a tip, though. Keep your music softer than what you think it should be. You don’t want the music to overpower your voice. I keep mine at half the volume of my voice.

Step 8: Artwork

Now this step, like the music, isn’t technically mandatory. But I do suggest putting something in the podcast artwork, even if it’s just text on a colored background. 

Since I’m artistic, I drew my podcast artwork myself. But not everyone has that level of artistic skill built up yet, so don’t worry if you can’t do that. The text on a colored background is a great placeholder until you find someone to do your art. 

If you do decide to draw or otherwise create your own artwork, there are some things you should do, as well as some to not. Let’s start with the ‘do.’ Whatever you do, keep it simple. Simple colors, simple text, simple image. My art for Long Live Bat Art is as simple as I could get it- a bat looking at a colored line drawing of The Scream by Edvard Munch and the name of the podcast on the side. 

Second ‘do’- make it interesting. Podcast artwork stands out more than the name because sometimes people stop scrolling when they see colors. So use that opportunity to grab listeners, intrigue them. If possible, make them ask a question. My art makes people think ‘what on Earth kind of podcast would feature a bat looking at art?’ Hopefully, that makes people click and see what that’s all about. 

Third ‘do’- put your name in the art. Keep the text simple and BOLD. You can see my text clearly. 

Now for the don’ts. 

Don’t include images of microphones, headphones, or other podcast equipment. Think of it like a simplified movie poster- they don’t put imagery of TVs or cameras or those black and white striped director clapper things. People know it’s a podcast, you don’t have to remind them. In fact, you want to make people forget that. 

Step 9: Software

You’re going to need something to capture your voice. You can use equipment- like an audio recorder- but you will need software to edit. There are tons of free software out there- GarageBand for Mac, or Audacity. Then there’s paid software, like Hindenberg, Adobe Audition, or Reaper. It all depends on your budget and how comfortable you are with doing it yourself. You can pay someone to edit your podcast, but I do it myself. It was hard at first, but I got better. There’s a learning curve to everything, and you’ll learn as you go.

Step 10: Equipment

Next up is the equipment. I recommend using a microphone other than the one on your phone or computer. There are some really affordable options if you don’t have a huge budget. The microphone is probably the most important part of the technical part of making a podcast. 

There are also some ‘nice to have’ add-ons. A pop filter, a device you fit to your microphone to cut down on ‘plosives’ like harsh ‘b’ and ‘p’ sounds, would be good. I use what's called a 'windscreen' that came with the mic. It's basically a foam cover that does the same job as a pop filter. 

Make sure everything is plugged in or charged, turn on the mic, hit ‘record,’ and start!

Step 11: Record

So now it’s time to record. Awesome, this is the moment you’ve been waiting for. But before you start, I’d recommend doing some thinking first. 

Think about the room you’re going to record in. Does it have a lot of hard surfaces sound can bounce off of, or does it have carpet and pillows and furniture that the sound won’t bounce off of? If you’re strapped for cash, use a closet. I know, it seems weird. But the clothes do wonders for keeping your audio good. If you want something with a little more room, try building a pillow fort like NPR suggests for its youth podcast contest. Or use a mover’s blanket. Whatever you do, try to surround yourself with fabric and other soft things. 

Second of all, learn to talk into a microphone. This may sound weird, but it took me some time to figure out. Don’t talk too close, don’t talk too far. Spread your hand in front of your face- your thumb should be at your lips and your pinkie should be at your mic. That’s a decent distance. Also, talk past your mic, not at it. This helps cut down on the not-word noises your mouth makes- the sharp exhales and the clicks and pops. And it might feel weird at first talking to yourself in your space (if you’re flying solo). So imagine what most guides call your ‘listener avatar’ or ‘listening persona’ and talk to this imaginary person. That sounds weird, I know. But it really helps nail down who you’re trying to reach and makes you feel more comfortable. If you don’t do that (I’ll be honest, I didn’t), I recommend setting up some representation to talk to. It could be a photo of a friend or family member, it could be a stuffed animal.

Third, use water. Just do it. Keep a bottle or glass next to you and keep. Drinking. 

Now you should be ready to start talking. But don’t use your script just yet, or just use the beginning of it. Keep a short script, like your intro and outro, handy and keep saying that. Move around, taking verbal note of what you’re doing. Lean forward, lean back, turn your head, talk louder, talk softer, laugh. Do anything you can think of that you might do during a recording. And when you’re done, stop the recording and listen back. There will be differences in audio. Find the best one.

And then take those test files and play them back in different environments- through headphones, through your phone speakers, through your computer’s speakers, in the kitchen, through the car stereo. Take notes of what sounds best and keep them in mind for when you record.

When you’re ready to start recording your episode (I can practically hear the sigh of relief), take lots of breaks. This will save either future you or another editor lots of time during the editing process. Keep the speaking segments short. In Long Live Bat Art, I try to pause every other or third paragraph or so. If you mess up, don’t worry about it. There are a few ways to denote that mistake. Stop, take a deep breath, exhale, and start the entire sentence over. Or, if you prefer, pause, clap, and start the sentence over. The clap will make a spike in the wave form so you can easily see it. The silence will do the opposite- you’ll see nothing and that’s as good of an indicator as the spike. And you do want to start the sentence over, rather than just the part you messed up. Cutting whole sentences is easier than cutting words or phrases. And you WILL change your tone and cadence from take to take. Just do yourself a favor and start the sentence over. 

Remember: the best editing you can do is having a good recording session. So try to keep the audio fairly clean. I don't mean try to do it in one take, just don't clutter it. Take breaks, drink water, and just give it your best. 

If you have more than yourself talking, do yourself a favor- have one microphone per person. That will make your editing so much easier- it’s nigh impossible to edit two people talking over each other on the same track.

If you have different segments, stop recording and choose a different track for each one. I made the mistake of not doing that and when it came time to edit my first episode I almost pulled my hair out. 

This is a tip I’ve seen on one or two guides but really works wonders- record about 15-30 seconds of complete silence in your podcasting space so you know a baseline.

And if at all possible, do your first episode recording and editing before you batch the rest. You'll make mistakes in your first recording that you can eliminate and make good choices going forward. You will also make different mistakes, so try to nip obvious bad habits in the bud. 

Step 12: Edit

Editing makes or breaks a podcast. If you’re editing yourself, it will take time. If you let someone else do it, I would recommend leaving instructions. Listen to the raw file and take notes of the time stamps you want specific edits to be made and what the edits you want are. 

Tip number 1: name every track so you know at a glance what is what. It’s a small step that takes less than a minute and saves you so much time later.

Tip number 2: edit with your ears. This sounds weird, but hear me out. Just listen to the entire recording without making a single change. Take note of what you felt when. Did you laugh? Did you get bored? If you have to, start a new recording (maybe on your phone) to say what happened when. Give context like time stamps or what sentence preceded what you felt. Then when the first listen is done, look over your physical notes or listen to your voice ones. That gives you a good starting point. Some people call this a ‘punchlist’ and it’s basically a first to-do list of what you want to do with your file. 

Tip number 3: edit in passes. Edit for content first, not those random noises in the background or the weird clicks. You don’t want to take out all those little things from a section you end up cutting completely. It’ll save you time, trust me. Between passes, take breaks of at least 20 minutes. This will help you both not get in the headspace of ‘eh, good enough’ and prevent you from getting bored. 

Tip number 4: Have a goal for each editing pass. Say for the first one you want to get rid of weird silences, this way you’ll have less to listen to as you make content edits. Then the second one you’re looking for the obvious mistakes- the sentences you stopped in the middle and then took another shot at. Then the third is those hesitant words- ‘uh’s and ‘um’s and ‘ah’s and ‘like’s and ‘so’s (I’m particularly susceptible to ‘so’s. It’s my crutch word. I especially say ‘and so’ a lot). Keep making goals. 

Tip number 5: Keep the volume consistent- you don’t want listeners turning up and down the volume between episodes or even during them. 

Tip number 6: If at all possible, have someone listen to the recording before you post it. Ask them questions! Did they get bored at any point? Did they have to adjust the volume at any point? Are there any silences or noises you missed? 

Step 13: Hosting Site

Most people think that you post the podcast directly to the app/site where podcasts live. They’re wrong. There’s something called a hosting site that acts as the middleman. Basically, you need something called an RSS feed to post to the podcast app/site. Don’t ask me why because I have no idea. 

Now some hosting sites are free, some are paid, some provide websites as part of the plan, some don’t. My tip is to research the major sites like buzzsprout. You’ll find the one that’s right for you and your podcast.

Step 15: Launch

If you’re thinking the ‘Grand Opening’ route is the only way, you’re wrong. There’s something called the ‘soft open.' It helps to get the kinks out, gives you a chance to get used to the podcast, and helps you overcome that ever-so-annoying imposter syndrome. But I don’t mean ‘tell absolutely no one.’ Tell your friends, tell your family, tell the people closest to you. They’ll be your first audience. 

Most guides I read suggest posting three episodes on your first day. Not only does it give you a chance to get ahead, but it gives listeners a chance to binge. I know I binge listen and don’t always wait for each episode to come out. Because I’m a disaster who often forgets which podcast updates when and I have an ungodly amount of podcasts on my to-listen list (cough, over 200, cough). 

But don’t think that launch is a one-and-done thing. Every single episode will be the first time someone’s heard of your podcast, so treat every episode with that in mind. Make a big deal about it once you’re in the groove!

Step 16: Set goals

Set MEASURABLE goals when you want to track your progress. And don’t think of just what your audience does, though that’s part of it. Set personal goals, too! For example, my first goals for Long Live Bat Art were 50 listeners by the end of the season, and 10 interactions on my social media posts. I also wanted to find out the average time to produce an entire episode and cut it down by 20 minutes by the end of the season.

Keep them short, keep them low, keep them measurable, and keep them time-based. But don’t sweat it if you don’t reach them! They’re goals, not the end of the world. If you don’t meet a goal, reach out to your audience and see what can help you meet the goal. 

If you start to get discouraged and think ‘only 20 people listen to my podcast,’ do me a favor. Try to imagine 20 people in the room you’re in right now. That’s a lot of people. 

At the same time, don’t worry about numbers. Just make your podcast as well as you can and keep putting it out there with social posts and you will get your audience. 

Remember: the best thing you can do for your podcast is to make it good. Don’t bother promoting it if the sound quality or content aren’t as good as you can make it. 

Other tips

This is a space for tips I’ve picked up that didn’t really fit into any of the other steps. 

Build systems. You want to have a process down that you can follow over and over and over and really streamline your workflow. For example, my process for writing looks like: give story of the piece (if it’s particularly obscure or otherwise requires a bit of background knowledge), describe artwork, give thoughts on the piece, do the challenge at the end, and THEN research the history of the artist. I do it this way because I don’t want the history of the artist to influence what I think of the piece or how I describe it. If I find a particularly interesting tidbit in the history that changes how I think, I can add that in my thoughts afterwards! In addition to streamlining how I produce the podcast, if I ever hire someone on, I already have a game plan for what specifically I need help with. 

Do NOT underestimate how long it takes to produce a podcast. I thought I could get it all done in two months. Boy was I wrong. I set a soft launch date and figured I could have it all written, recorded, edited, and transcribed before then. I didn't. And that's OK! I continued to produce it during the season, and that's just fine. Now I set aside enough time to get everything done and I don't sweat it if I have to produce along the way instead of front loading all the work. 

Take. Breaks. Otherwise you'll get burnt out. I already said mine is season based, so in the offseason I don't do anything. It helps me both rest and build excitement for the next season. 

Batch. I mean batch everything. Batch write, batch record, batch edit. If you do each piece individually you'll spend like three times as long. Think assembly line, not craftsman. 

Take time to celebrate your wins. It's not arrogant, it's reassuring yourself that this whole podcasting thing is going well. 

In case someone wants a taste of what the podcast is about, or even has trouble following along with podcasts as I sometimes do, I transcribe each episode. Transcriptions aren’t necessary, but they are nice to have. There is software that does this automatically, and you can pay someone to do it for you, but I do it myself. 

 If at all possible, make a file in your audio program for a template with everything named already and just copy the file for each new episode and change the content. 

Conclusion

If this seems like a lot of work, I hope I didn’t discourage you. It’s really a lot of fun if you choose the right topic. 

Now, you can look at all the guides you want- and I do recommend looking at quite a few- but nothing will prepare you to your satisfaction. So roll up your sleeves, tell that voice that says you can’t do it in your head to kindly shut up, and just do it once you have it planned out. You’ll learn on the way. Give yourself permission to be a beginner. 

But above all, have fun. This is most likely a hobby for you that might in the future generate some pocket change. But the kernel that started this was love. Keep that love there. 

Here's a bunch of resources I found really helpful, in case you want to check them out.

On starting

Shout me loud

Buzzsprout

NPR

Podcast insights

The podcast host

How to choose a topic- Podcast host

How to name- Podcast host

Episode titles- Podcast host

First site guide

Tips

Checklist

Riverside

Castos

Shopify

Buffer

Upwork

Captivate FM

Social Pilot

Profile Tree

Music Radar

Descript

Adam Enfroy

Ryrob

Porch

Nashville Film Institute

The podcast host (again)

Writing

Intro and Outro- the podcast host

Intro- Buzzsprout

Descriptions- the podcast host

Show Notes- the podcast host

Taglines- the podcast host

Equipment

Microphone- the podcast host

Microphone techniques- the podcast host

Editing

NPR

Artwork

Buzzsprout

Well, that's it! All the advice and experience I have at this moment. Hopefully it helped someone out there.

[myworkinproress]

Antony (my beloved)

Should I write about Helena next? yes. Am I ignoring that to give you a summary of a character that dies three years before the story starts? also yes. This is my blog and my inspiration is a fucking roulette wheel.

Antony is Celia’s first (and only) friend that she makes in the five years before the story starts. He’s from one of the smaller courts that no one can really remember. His mother lived and died without knowing freedom from there and he has no reason to believe that he’ll be different (if you’re sad now, just wait. The story gets worse). 

Antony is fundamentally a person defined by his kindness. Yes, Celia is a good person too but she knows that she’s not Antony and she never will be. He truly does everything out of his love for people and his knowledge that no one deserves to suffer. 

While Celia is a vigilante for revenge and Joshua (Ilana’s brother) is a vigilante for fun, Antony is definitely a vigilante for the people. He’s less of a roof climber and more of a con man, he can basically get anywhere in the city (but not out of it. Important because no one has ever escaped the city). 

He meets Celia when he goes undercover to get some food to redistribute and finds a thirteen year old already stealing it. Because Celia has never had, and will never have any chill. She escapes before he can talk to her, but he’d caught her mid-theft, so he waits around for the next few days for her to come back. She does, and finds out that he’s already taken the food and left a note telling her to meet him by the wall. He reveals his robin hood-style thefts and bam! Instant best friends. 

Antony is very different from Celia emotionally. Celia, while being a great strategist, is also a person who hates waiting around for things. Antony is always talking about creating systemic change, which will take years, and they have the following conversation a lot. 

Celia says “and how many people will die before that happens.” 

Antony: “why do you think I’m out here?” 

Antony is definitely an idealist while Celia is a realist. He has these big plans for changing the world and he wants to do it from within. Celia teases him for the fact that he’s kind of a suck-up when not breaking the law, and he usually laughs along because she’s not wrong. He wants to gain influence over the years, starting with doing well at Debut. And, the worst part is, he actually gets pretty close. Antony actually does get invited to Debut when he’s 17, which is basically unheard of for someone not from a major court. 

And then he slips up. He’s never had this many eyes on him and he’s always blended into the background. But not here. Someone (probably a noble but I’m not sure which one yet) gives him a warning. Stop it, or I’ll stop you. 

This is very important because Antony knows. He knows what’s going to happen to him if he does anything. But he sees a 15 year old with a cut and asks him how he got it. And then he tells the guards. 

There’s an investigation into the guard that hurt the kid, but it never goes anywhere. It’s eventually declared inconclusive due to a lack of evidence. And Antony is found stabbed in his bed at Debut the night after he reports it. 

Celia doesn’t go to Debut. She’s never been invited and she’s not planning to be. So she only finds out through gossip. Eventually, someone delivers her a note that just says keep going on. Don’t follow me. Because Antony knew what was coming and wanted to keep Celia safe. It’s also a reference to a famous play, based off of Antony and Cleopatra (where both of the characters die at the end). Antony used to joke about being named after the character. They both loved each other, in the way that you love your best friend, and Antony wanted nothing more in his last moments than for Celia to survive. Celia still has the note. 

For Celia, this is what turns her into a household name. She is going to make sure this city has some semblance of justice if it kills her. Because she already lost Antony. What else is there to lose?

And then Helena gets threatened.  

[bucksfucks]

an indefinite hiatus ♥︎

hey friends, to start let me just say that i will summarize all of my rambling at the end so you can just scroll down to it, besties.

before i begin, i just want to say thank you to each and every single person who has ever liked, reblogged, read, or interacted with this blog. this has been a wonderful chapter of my life and i don’t think i can put into words how meaningful all of our interactions have been!

i’ve had this blog for almost 2 years, but i have been on tumblr since 2014, so too fucking long one could argue. basically, tumblr has become a very large part in my life (YIKES). so i’ll try to put into words how i feel:

i am exhausted, drained, and completely and utterly burnt out.

there was a time where i could pump out stories after stories while answering asks and doing au days while juggling everything else, but i no longer have the mental energy for that. and it is to no one’s fault but my own—i did this to myself.

as many of you know, i’m a graduate student. i’m at the end of my masters and truthfully, i have no fucking idea what i want to do after. i haven’t decided if i can manage a phd (or if it’s worth it) or if i want to take time off or jump right into a job.

but what i do know, is that i need a break.

before august of 2021, i was really active on this blog and i think many of you remember those days and truth be told…i miss being able to be on here as much as i once was!

in all honesty, i’ve hit a creative roadblock. i love bucky barnes and i love marvel, just not like before. something shifted a little while back and i haven’t felt inspired to write something i enjoyed.

i took a bit of a break a few weeks ago and before that, i wasn’t on here very much at all. that felt nice. it was refreshing and something that i clearly and very desperately needed.

i also realized that i want to do more than write pure smut. now please let me clarify; i love writing filthy and sinful things. but i want to explore other areas such as character and world building. so, maybe that’s something i’ll pursue after some time as well.

WHAT’S HAPPENING TO FAKING IT?

this is a story that i really like writing and while i cannot PROMISE to update it….any updates will be done on my a03.

this leads me into the next point: what’s happening to the blog and my writing?

this blog will NOT go anywhere. it will remain up and i will NOT take down any of my stories (though i will transfer them slowly onto my a03). that being said, please do not copy, save or plagiarize any of my work in my absence.

i might come back, though, most likely not on here. if i do, it will be under a new blog and if you happen to find me later on i promise you’ll know it’s me.

masterlist | masterlist ii. | my a03

to finish…i guess i’ve been feeling this way for a really long time, but i’ve been desperately holding onto this blog for some unknown reason. this is my safe space and i always knew that i could come back, but today, i got a sign that it was time.

please remember to protect your mental health first. take time for you and focus on yourself always. i want everyone to know that i have loved being besties with anyone and everyone who interacted with me. i mean it. so many of you are such wonderful, genuine people with hearts so big it makes me feel like the luckiest person on the internet.

this is becoming too long for no reason other than i’m a virgo. so. let me wrap this up real quick <<3

TL;DR — i’m blipping out. nothing will be deleted. i may come back (not on this blog). i’ll always be a slut for bucky. i love u all oh so very much. thank you for absolutely everything.

i would tag mutuals but…that feels weird. idk. i have this weird idea in my head that i’m a burden (something i need to work on) so if you’re seeing this and you’re my mutual…lots of forehead kisses for you!

side note: this is oddly something i’m struggling to do. to leave this blog—i’m hesitating. but i know i need to do this. so here i am, ripping off the bandaid.

much much love,

nora.

[blackwidownat2814]

Roll the Dice (B.B)

Summary:

Then.

After an argument with your mother, you rage-search for a new job, eventually landing on the homepage of your local county and off the cuff, apply for an opening at the library you frequented as a child.

Your first day on the job changed your life. A few years later, you got your Master’s in Library Science, and left your hometown...

…and you ended up in Manhattan at the New York Public Library, a few blocks from a certain Tower.  

And after meeting the Black Widow herself, Natasha Romanoff, when she, Captain America, the Falcon, Wanda, and Thor came to do a program for the kids one weekend, Nat and Captain Rogers (“Please, call me Steve.”) invited you back to the Tower to meet the rest of the team.

And the rest, as they say, is history…

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x female!reader

Word Count: 3490

Warnings: fluff.  

A/N: I haven’t written anything in almost three(?) years.  I just stopped.  But then, I sat down in March 2021 to watch The Falcon & the Winter Soldier and my brain started poking me to write so many different plot bunnies, y’all have no idea.  I was inspired to actually finish something thanks to @pellucid-constellations #LoveLettersWritingChallenge.

I am new to writing reader insert fic, so I wrote what I know and that’s being Latina.  I am constantly reading up on how to make reader insert fics more inclusive, so I will try to make it less specific next time I write.  However, once again, I am Latina so that might come up now and again, while I get used to writing all inclusively.

Also, thanks to @beefybuckrrito for all the help in beta-ing this oneshot!  You the best queen!  Another shout out to my girl Col @foreverindreamlandd for no reason other than she’s awesome!

‼️⚠️I do not give permission for any of my work to be copied, translated or reposted anywhere else but on my own blog.⚠️‼️

Masterlist

Now.

A knock on the door brings you out of your stupor.  You’d been staring at your reflection in the mirror for the past 30 minutes.

You should probably take your ADHD meds on a day like this.

Another knock and Nat steps into the room, with Wanda in tow.

“How are you feeling?” she asks.

“Like I need my meds.”  Nat laughs and rolls her eyes, while Wanda waves her hand and your pill case floats out of your bag on the couch and over to you.

“Thanks, Wan.”  You down your first pill and the pill case floats away.

“I’ll hold onto these for now and hand them over later.”

“Perfect.”  You take another sip of water and look back at your friends.  “So, what’s up?”

“Bucky gave me this for you.”  Nat handed over a small(ish) black box and an envelope.  Your eyes widened when you saw the gold embossed -HW- on the top.

“Oh my God, he didn’t.”

“He did.”  Wanda gave you a big smile.

“Oh wow.  Um…”  You placed the items on the vanity and went over to where your robe lay discarded, pulling an envelope from the pocket.  “I wrote something for Bucky too.  Can you give it to him Wanda?  And please tell him that the other envelope inside this one is his gift, but he can’t open it until right before dinner?  Make sure you give him a Look, so he knows I mean business.”

“Of course.”  Wanda took the letter and left.

“Do you want me to stay?” asked Nat, “Or would you rather I let you read that in private?”

“I’d like a moment alone, if it’s cool.”

“Of course.”  Nat gives you a hug and goes to leave.  “I’ll be right outside if you need anything.”  She leaves you with a smile, and you turn to the envelope, where Bucky’s ‘chicken scratch’-

“Chicken scratch?!  Sweetheart, my handwritin’ is impeccable.”

You stare him down with a bored look on your face, arms crossed, and raise an eyebrow.

“It is, too!”

You keep staring.

“Stevie!”  Bucky calls over to his best friend who’d just walked into the common room of the Tower.

“What’s up, Buck?”

“I need ya to settle an argument ‘tween me and my girl:  she says my handwritin’ is the worst and-”

“Buck, your handwriting is shit.”

“Damnit!”

-spells My Doll on the front.  You open the envelope and laugh when you recognize the Avengers stationary one of your coworkers gave you as a funny gift.  You kept it in your desk in the apartment you two shared.

Taking a deep breath, you unfolded the letter and began to read.

My Doll, my sweetheart, my love…

I’m not the best with words.  You know this.  Everyone does, if we’re being honest.  But I’m going to try my best.

I love you so much.  I think (as cheesy as this sounds) I’ve loved you since the day we met when you came to see Nat at the Tower that first time.  You were so nervous, despite having met so much of the team already.  I wanted so badly to talk to you that day, but I was scared you wouldn’t want to talk to me at all.  Sure, I’d been pardoned, but why would someone made of sunshine and happiness want to know me?  But then, I went to the library one day, just to see you and maybe say Hi.  I heard you talking to some lady who told you to make sure you stayed away from me.  I’ll never forget what you said to her: ‘But who prays for Satan?  Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner who needed it most?’  You hit that lady with a Mark Twain quote (I looked it up later) and she was speechless.  That’s when I knew you were the one for me.

You didn’t even blink or look at me like I’m a murder when I told you everything the Soldier did.  You’ve stood by me through nightmares and sleepless nights and the mood swings and everything else.  There were times when I was sure that when I came back to the apartment, you and your stuff would be gone or you’d be sitting in our living room, waiting to tell me all the reasons you were leaving me.  I was so sure that one day, I’d come home and Alpine would be meowing at the door because her ma was gone and hadn’t come back.  Every day I came home to find you there (even if you weren’t speaking to me because I was an asshole), I was happier than the last. You helped me to stop retreating into my brain on the bad days.

I gotta end here, ‘cause Nat is staring at me and she’s scary.  I hope you like the gift I sent along.  I know how much your abuela meant to you, and I wanted you to have this today.  I had it cleaned up and restored; it’s all the same jewels, just the parts holding them in place were fixed or added since some were missing.

I’ll see you later, okay doll?

Love,

Your Bucky

PS: I love you.

Below Bucky’s letter is part of a quote from one of your favorite movies, The Young Victoria:

“You are my whole existence.  And I will love you until my last breath.”

You laugh, tears had started flowing at the letter’s greeting, because you remember watching that movie with Bucky, and he complained several times-

“Where’s the action, doll?” “It’s a romance, Buck, and a period piece.  You should know all about period pieces.” “She died 16 years before I was born.  And wasn’t that guy her cousin?” “Yes, but…the movie’s so good, it helps you forget that.  Just…ugh!  Just let me enjoy the love story, old man!” Five minutes later, he fell asleep.  You would never begrudge him his sleep time, since he often had trouble doing so.  You let him sleep, and finished the movie.

-and you were 1000% positive that he’d been out cold when Albert said that very line to Victoria.  Apparently, he wasn’t.

You put the letter down on the vanity, and pick up the package.  You open the box, and nestled in black velvet is a cluster bangle bracelet made of diamonds and emeralds.  When your beloved abuela died years ago, it was one of the things left to you in her Will.  You remember telling Bucky about it and how you dreamed of getting it fixed one day.

Once again, you’re brought out of your thoughts by a knock on the door and Nat comes back in.

“I’m glad we waited to do your makeup.”  She smiles and lifts you from your seat, into a hug.  “Want me to help you put it on?”

“Please.”  Nat takes the bracelet carefully and clips it on.

“This probably qualifies as ‘something old’, don’t you think?”

Meanwhile.

“You know, James, you have nothing to worry about.”

Bucky’s head snapped over to the doorway to see Wanda.

“We’ve talked about goin’ into my head, Wanda.  You know how much I hate that.”  Bucky turns away from her and goes back to watching a video of you he has on his phone, one of his favorites:  you’re sitting on a table, legs dangling, watching some of the team talking to a group of kids at the library.  One of the kids in the group raises his hand for a question…

A couple years ago…

“Mr. Thor!”

“Yes, small child?”

“How strong are you Mr. Thor?!”

“I am very strong!  I’ve fought the Hulk-”

Several little gasps are heard.

“-and survived.”

“You did, Mr. Thor?”

“‘Course I did.”

“Can you show us how strong you are, Mr. Thor?  Please?”

“I’d love nothing more!  Come on over.”  The kid runs up and Thor picks him up with one hand, balancing him on his palm.  Then, he slowly starts to lift his arm above his head and the kid looks like he just won a lifetime supply of his favorite candy.

Thor puts the kid down and he runs back to sit with his friends.

“Show us some more!”

“You all want to see more displays of my feats of strength?”

“YES!!!!!”

Thor appeared to be thinking real hard, when he suddenly smiled and looked over at you.

“No.”

“My Lady…”

“Thor-”

“I’m sure Sergeant Barnes has no objections.”  Thor looked right at the camera, “Do you, Sergeant Barnes?”

“Thor, we’ve known each other for years and I’ve told you to call me Bucky”, says the voice behind the phone, but Thor just shrugs.  The camera pans to you.  “Come on doll, do it for the kids.”

“YAY MISS!!  DO IT!!!”

“Fine.”  The kids cheered loudly once more, and you went to stand next to your friend.  “How do you want to do this?”

“Get up here.”  Thor takes your hand and assists you in sitting on the table (a different one) behind him.  You shifted onto your side, and propped your head up on your hand. “Are you ready my lady?”

“Let’s do it.”

Thor went over to the end of the table and grabbed it.  The kids cheered as he slowly lifted the table with two hands.  Thor then maneuvered himself so he was standing under the table, holding it (and you) right above his head.

“Can you give a cheer for Thor everyone?” you called out to the crowd.  It was almost deafening with the yells and screams and claps, and you mentally thanked Tony for having soundproof walls installed at the library for you after several complaints about noise anytime any of the Avengers came to visit.

“Can you do it with one hand Mr. Thor?”

“Small child…I am Asgardian and the God of Thunder!”  Thor moved a hand to his waist, shifting the table to a single hand and then up onto his finger tips.

Bucky zoomed the video in then, focusing on your face when you looked over at him and smiled.  You smiled big and held up your hand with the sign for ‘I love you’.

That’s when the video stops.

“You know I’d never do that without your permission”, replied Wanda.  “You’re projecting nerves.”

“Oh…sorry.”  Bucky closes the photo gallery on his phone and looks at his background, another picture of you, this time it’s a picture from the NYE party Tony threw a few months ago: you’re wearing a party hat, oversized sunglasses, and a fake mustache (you spent so much time in the photo booth he got for the occasion).

“It’s not your fault.”  Wanda walks over to Bucky and takes a seat next to him.  “Like, I said, you’ve got nothing to worry about.  Everything is going to be okay.”

“I thought seein’ the future was Strange’s thing.”

“It is.  But while you are projecting nerves, she projects nothing but love…for you.”

Bucky can’t help but sniffle at Wanda’s observance.

“Here.”  She hands him a thick envelope with My Sergeant in your looping scrawl on the front.  “She says to not open the other envelope in there, it’s your gift but it’s not to be opened until before dinner.”

Bucky slips a finger under the flap of the envelope and pulls out the gift.

“I’m sure it’s o-”  Bucky looks at Wanda, his words dying in his mouth.  “Of course.  I promise I won’t open it.”  He tucks the smaller envelope in the inside pocket of his suit jacket.

A knock at the door has them both looking up to see Steve stick his head into the room.

“How’s it going in here, Buck?”

“I’m fine, punk.  Wanda was deliverin’ my girl’s letter.”

“Ah.  Well, I’ll let you be so you can read in private.  You’ve got about 45 minutes, by the way.”

“I need to be going as well.”  Wanda stood and smoothed out the wrinkles in the skirt of her steel blue tea length dress.  She placed a hand on Bucky’s shoulder, “Relax…and breathe.”

“Will do.  See you in a bit.”

Bucky waits until Wanda shuts the door to unfold the letter from you, and laughs.  The way you both wrote your letters says tons about each of you: while he used Avengers stationary with some random pen he found in the apartment, you used your fountain pen and fancy paper.

Settling back into the couch, he began to read.

My Darling…

I remember the first time I saw you.  From that first second, I wanted to get to know you, the real you, and not what the history books or the news programs and documentaries taught us.  It took some time, but eventually, well…look where we’re at.

I fought against the dark cloud in my brain for so long (still do sometimes).  I fought against sharing it all with you, because how could I?  My problems were nothing compared to yours.  How dare I complain that grandma didn’t love me when those people (if they even deserve being called that) did what they did to you for so many years.  But one day, after dad died, I broke down and told you everything.  Not once did you stop me and tell me to stop complaining and crying because others have it worse.  You made my feelings valid.  I fell in love with you because you loved me when I couldn’t love myself.  You became my family when I had none.

You would think someone with an English Literature degree would have so much more to say.  I just don’t know how else to tell you I love you.  How do I express that my heart feels so full every day and it’s all because of you?  Even on the days you’re being an asshole or I’m being a bitch (don’t shake your head because I know there are days).  

You even put up with me when that cloud comes back and plants nasty thoughts in my brain.  Do you know how many times I sat in our bedroom, waiting for you to come home and tell me you found someone prettier, thinner, smarter, more worthy of your time?  I thought I learned how to hide it, but you always knew.  You were patient and reassuring and reminded me why you loved me.

You are my everything.  My always.  I promise there will never be a time that I don’t love you.  You are my best friend, my rock, and the reason home is home.

Love,

Your Girl

                      “You find somebody you like and roll the dice.  

                                      That’s all anybody can do.”

                                                      -Ron

A few hours later.

“So.  How do you feel…Mrs. Barnes?”

“Completely and perfectly and incandescently happy.”

“That movie came out almost 20 years ago.”

“Your point?”

You and Bucky were just outside the reception, waiting to be introduced as Mr. and Mrs. Barnes for the first time.  The ceremony had been beautiful; Thor walked you down the aisle and Sam got ordained especially for the occasion.  You cried, Bucky cried, Steve cried, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house when you read your vows to each other.  Tony wept like he was Albert in The Birdcage.  It was perfect.

“Have I told you how gorgeous you look, Mrs. Barnes?”

You pretended to think, tapping your chin.

“Don’t think so.  Not enough anyways.”

“Well, beautiful isn’t enough to describe ya.  Neither is gorgeous.”  Bucky steps back to give you a once over.  “I think I’ll go with ethereal.  Yeah. Ethereal.”

You pull him to you, wrapping your arms around his neck.

“I love you so much.”  Leaning forward, you smile into the kiss, thinking how you don’t have to be on the tips of your toes when you kiss him today because of your heels.  They’re gorgeous, bright red, and you picked them out to honor one of your favorite singers.  However, you couldn’t wait to switch to comfy shoes after your first dance: Wanda and Nat had gifted you custom wedding Converse to change into.

You pull away from the kiss, and Bucky chases after you with his lips.

“Where you goin’ doll?”  You swipe your thumb over his lips to try and get rid of the bright red lipstick.

“Your gift!  It’s time to open it!”

In all honesty, Bucky had forgotten about the envelope in his jacket.  Once he’d seen you walking down the aisle, his brain had gone completely blank.

“Oh right.”  You step away from him and he reaches into his jacket.  Opening the envelope, he pulls out a picture.  He notices something written on the back:

Baby Barnes

Due: October 2023

Happy Halloween Daddy!

Saying nothing, Bucky slowly flips the picture over to see the sonogram of his child.  He still hasn’t said anything after a few minutes.  You’re worried, and about to say something when Nat appears.

“Are you two ready?  Scott’s about to announce you.”  She looks over at you and you’re trying to chew a nail off.  “Are you okay?”

“Um…I’m fine.”  You both look over at Bucky, who’s still staring at the sonogram.

“OH.  You told him.”  Bucky’s head shoots up in your direction.

“You knew?”

“I went with her to see the doc.”  Bucky tears his eyes from Nat and looks over at you.  “I’ll tell Scott to give you five.”  She disappeared into the ballroom, leaving you and your new husband alone.

“I’m so sorry, Bucky.  I didn’t know how you felt about all this.”  You back away from him, wringing your hands.  “The last few hours have been perfect, beyond so.  I’ll uh…I’ll call Andy after dinner and get everything taken care of.  It shouldn’t take too long to fix and we’ll be out of your hair.  I’ll be sure to tell Nat not to say anything.”

You move away and go to stand in front of the doors, praying that you can hold it together a few more hours.  You close your eyes and take a deep breath, as Bucky hurries over to you.

“Wait.  What are you talking about?  Why would you call Barber?  He’s just…a lawyer.”  Bucky looks at the picture and then back at you.  “Doll?”

“I love you but, you don’t want this.”  You put a hand over your middle.  “And that’s fine.  We never talked about it and we should’ve, so I’m sorry about that.  But I’m keeping th-”

Bucky sweeps you off your feet and spins you around, peppering your face with kisses.

“You can’t marry me and then tell me I’m going to be a father all in one day.  I think my brain broke for a second.  You know everything isn’t alright up there!”  He kisses you again.  “You’ve made me happier than I ever thought I could be.”

“You mean that?”

“‘Course I do.”

“Good.  I didn’t want to have to divorce you that quickly.”

You’re both laughing when the doors to the ballroom open.

“And now, for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Barnes everyone!”

Bucky grabs your hand and pulls you in, hurrying to the middle of the dance floor where Scott stands with a mic.  Bucky takes it from him practically shoves him off the dance floor.

“Everyone quiet down!  I need to say something!”  He looks over at you for approval (which he realizes he should’ve gotten before saying anything).

“Go ahead”, you reply with a huge smile.

“WE’RE HAVING A BABY!”

A/N: Dividers made by @silkholland​

A/N 2: Story header made by me in Canva. Photos used in it are not mine (I got the Sebastian photos​ off of Pinterest and I used Google Images for the other two as well.)

[nachoscheesy]

Tumblr Revival

Tl;dr

Tumblr has a large interconnected community of artists and content creators, and should focus on its strengths and what it does right. Instead of trying to compete for space against Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Tumblr should focus on empowering its community and giving that community the tools to develop the site's unparalleled uniqueness.

Tumblr is the crossroads of the internet, with a monthly user traffic of 300 million it is the perfect space for artists, content creators, and small businesses to grow their following without having to fight for a seat at the table against companies with huge budgets.

Hi, I go by Nacho here on tumblr, and I'm sure as many of us on tumblr have noticed, the (hell)site is kinda going downhill. Tumblr was bought by Automattic in fall of 2019, and I am sure they have the best intentions to help tumblr stay afloat. However, I think it's time the community took a more deliberate approach to how tumblr is handled, and hopefully Automattic and @staff will hear us out. I think I have a solid solution to tumblrs money issues, that will help both the site and empower its online communities.

First and foremost, I am not involved with Tumblr or Automattic. I am just a simple blog trying to help out a place that I've been on since 2010, and I would hate to see it die here around 2023.

So, let's get to the root of the problem on tumblr right now. That being money, tumblr is currently costing more money that it produces, as we've seen with its 97% drop in value from 1.1 billion dollar sale to being sold at around 3 million dollars.

So the first thing that must be improved before anything else can be improved on tumblr is how much money they're bringing in a month. I don't think folks on tumblr hate monetization as much as we all collectively say we do, I think the issue is that most advertisers are completely disconnected from the groups they are trying to advertise to on here. Tumblr comprises roughly 65% millennials and 30% gen-z, the two generations that advertisers seem to have the hardest time advertising to for a myriad of reasons. The main one being that they don't fully understand what we want, and sometimes just don't listen to what we are saying.

Lets look at how tumblr makes its money, Tumblr has four main revenue sources,

Ads by sponsored posts

Display ads through video posts

Sponsored Day ads or banner ads

“Premium Themes”

I'll go into depth on all of these and how tumblr could make potential changes to improve their revenue anywhere from three to six months after it implements some or ideally all of these changes.

First tumblr ads and sponsored posts, these changes are going to be contingent on tumblr allowing its users to share, like, and comment on ads much like all other media sites currently allow. Or at least giving advertisers the ability to turn that on or off as a function.

The average tumblr post gets reblogged 14 times, that number increases significantly if the ad is engaging and actually caters to the communities wants and needs. My reasoning for giving users the ability to reblog ads is to increase user engagement while maintaining their current ad vetting process and all of the nonsensical ads that are run on tumblr 90% of the time.

The other reason for allowing tumblr users to share and comment on ads, or have it be an option for advertisers to turn on or off as they'd like, is that the appeal of tumblr is the ability to propagate and obsess over the most niche things (i.e OSHA.)

All the while allowing content that gets shared all over the internet bubble up to the top through the collective hand of the tumblr community. Along with this tumblr has no way for small users to share their own products or services, every single major site has a way for users to advertise their pages or products through the site.

Tumblr is a content machine that creates imagery and memes that get shared all the time across the internet, so the ability to share and curate its own ads is paramount to improving advertising and user engagement on tumblr.

My proposal here is for tumblr to expand its advertising capabilities to all users, while charging a flat rate fee to advertise on tumblr, with additional charges for popular tags or trending tags. Tumblr currently has no self service advertising system much like Facebook does for example. Where facebook charges a daily rate on cost-per-click(CPC) or cost-per-thousand(CPM)

Charging a flat rate fee at a rate of a day, week, month, or quarterly basis with variances in prices based on the lease term and what the advertisers would want to have their ads show up on certain tags. This would open up the doors for small businesses that don't want to advertise on places like facebook, twitter, or google with their complicated CPM and CPC models. Also bringing in more small locally owned businesses with the added value of less competition for ad space on tumblr.

This would also take some of the weight from tumblrs own advertising staff from having to explain a convoluted system to potential advertisers. Creating a simplified model with the the advent of tumblrs own infrastructure able to get a single post to a large variety of users. Where the current ad model uses a “shotgun” method to hit as many people as possible, the tumblr model could encourage advertisers to curate a more personalized and intimate experience that tumblr users would love.

Why not just advertise elsewhere? Tumblr still in fact gets over 300 million views a month as of June 2021 (Statosta), and the added benefit for users to be able to like, share, and interact with ads would allow ads that the community enjoys to be talked about more. Giving advertisers more honest feedback about their ads while increasing their SEO’s.

Also small businesses that can't compete with the vetting processes that are used on other sites, would have a better chance of developing their business and increasing their clientele on tumblr whose core demographics are approximately 60% millennial and 35% gen-z. This core demographic does in fact care about being able to shop at local stores, or even a store across the US that is trying to drum up its own online sales.

These ads could be placed inline on the tumblr dash while moving other sponsored ads to the right of the site on desktop, but making them alternate on mobile between user ads and sponsored ads.

Second, the display ads should be changed to allow tumblr users to share and further interact with ads to generate more user engagement, incentivizing more businesses and companies to build their brand status on tumblr. Tumblr has a good model for creating short diaries or daily vlogs for companies that wish to show off their products on social media. This includes smaller businesses and vlogers that want to post videos or tutorials of themselves on their blog.

Tumblr is a good site for user engagement with a pool of creative potential for anyone wanting to gauge the desire for a particular subject or piece of media, maybe even an upcoming show. Having the ability to share and comment on sponsored ads would also help advertisers by allowing them to get more bang for their buck with a considerable uptick on how users engage with that content.

Third, tumblrs sponsor day ads and banner ads are inexpensive and should be highlighted as a selling point over their competitors. Tumblr 24-hour banner ads are considerably more affordable for businesses when compared to places like twitter with their 200k price point. For the same amount of money on tumblr a business could have their company at the top of the dashboard or app for 8 whole days. Much longer and much better than the competition.

Keeping this price fixed, with a change in the price CPC is still a much more lucrative and attractive selling point than any of the competition on the internet today. I know this might not be exactly what tumblr wants to hear when it is hemorrhaging money right now, but let's look at the cost for these 24 hour daily ads and banner ads. If tumblr hypes up the price point on these ads they could see a significant rise in advertisers considering the lack of competition on tumblr and past success stories of companies who did advertise on tumblr.

At the same time larger advertisers should be encouraged to make engaging ads and blogs on tumblr that will make people want to actually go to their blogs, that then link to an external site or page. Not ads that instantly try to force you to go to some other site, by rewarding or offering special discounts for people who find a special code or something off of the actual blog. Or even for giving the same code to everyone who reblogs a certain post made by the advertiser.

Seems too good to be true? Look at “Asos” back in 2015 when they held a shirt design competition on their tumblr blog. Where they had 900 submissions, four of which were picked, and were sold out of the user generated shirts in 10 hours.

This is not the only case however, but FX ran their own campaign for the show “Man Seeking Woman” where they saw a 2.8% increase in user engagement, 86% increase in their tumblr followers, and they actually saved money through advertising on tumblr.

All this leads me to believe that tumblr actually was and continues to be the best place for brands, small businesses, and artists to develop themselves through genuine user engagement.

Finally, the “premium themes” that are available on tumblr that allow for unparalleled customizations that you hardly find elsewhere on the internet anymore. Tumblrs ability to take a variety of media sources, as well as having an unparalleled level of customization, user interconnectivity, and a vibrant artistic scene shows that it is ripe with potential.

Tumblr could still use its post+ feature, but in the same way that Discord uses its subscription service. For cosmetic changes that can be added modularly to the site or individual blogs for an additional monthly fee. In conjunction with partnering with community artists to bring small cosmetic additions to individual blogs, while paying the content creator and tumblr taking a small portion of the profits over a certain amount.

To be completely honest this is probably the hardest portion of this entire pitch to make changes to in a shorter period of time, considering all the testing and “under the hood” changes that must be made. However, I think that implementing this as well as the other changes I have proposed will bring back more foot traffic to tumblr as well as increase its revenue and profitability.

In closing, I am simply working with whatever information I was able to find online and a good amount of time invested on my part to do this. I think tumblr has a ton of potential still to return as a force for good for the communities that exist and want a change from what the internet has become. Time and time again when any company or public entity dies it was because it did not change and refused to adapt and innovate, oftentimes not at the hands of the people working everyday to keep the site running. Instead at the hands of people who dont see the value in what has fallen in their laps.

If you agree and think this is something that can be done, please reblog this post and follow me for more updates. If I don't hear back or this does not gain any traction by the end of the year, then tumblr can go to its inevitable end. I will be here sinking with the ship.

@support @engineering @music @wip @changes @photomatt

[donutloverxo]

NO BUT LIKE CONCEPT: SMUT HC where mob!steve comes back from a rough night that leaves him very much outta it and ur the only one who can help him ... in more ways than one

Please note that my stories are not to be stolen or reposted on any other site. Reblogs are welcome. This blog and this story is 18+. Do not read, follow or interact if you are not 18+.

I'm making this a drabble cause I can't work with HCs. Thank you❤ Warmings -explicit sexual content, dom Steve, daddy kink, spanking, blood and wounds, bullets. Dividers by @whimsicalrogers

You put some distance between your poor ear and your phone upon hearing your friends loud screech, excited since she saw your Instagram post of your new engagement ring.

"It is so beautiful! And so unconventional and unique too!"

"Mm-hm," you hummed, applying a second coat of your fiery red nail paint, to make it more intense, you just knew it'd look amazing against Steve's pale skin, he absolutely loved it when you scratched him and were a bit rough with him.

You never gave him any pointers on what kind of engagement ring you'd like, only thing that was a bit too obvious - which you never actually needed to say - was that you loved shiny things. So he has gotten you a ring with a huge sapphire ruby and tiny sparkly diamonds adorning the band. It was everything you needed and more.

"Makes sense because our relationship is anything but conventional." Where he had never directly said that his job involved a few things that were kind of, sort of, illegal but you weren't an idiot, it didn't take you long to figure out.

You knew he was important and rich when he asked you out, not just because he wore fancy clothes, but the way he carried himself, tall and proud and an aura that dominated any room he was in, two bodyguards always around him, and when you both started getting serious he assigned Peter, who was sort of an intern or newbie from what you gathered, to always escort you places and take care of you.

Maybe it wasn't exactly the most rational thing to do - marrying someone who was as feared as he was respected - but all you knew was that he was a good man and you had faith in him, so you stayed away from that part of his life.

"You must be planning the wedding now," she beamed over the phone.

You scoffed, blowing on your fingers, "No, he's always at work these days. It's so annoying, if it doesn't change then I'm leaving and taking the ring with me."

You looked at it sparkling on your finger, it was too beautiful to part with. Besides it became yours as soon as he gave it to you.

"You're late, but there's nothing new about that," you puffed out your cheeks, hands crosses under your chest, as he loosened his tie and worked on taking off his shoes. He had been coming home past midnight for the last month, enough was enough!

"Doll," he groaned, looking at you and ready to tell you off and ask for some space, but then he saw you. In a satin babydoll that barely covered you, with lace trimmings that did nothing to hide your soft nipples, your toes and nails painted just the color he liked, and you were wearing those ridiculous fluffy slippers with bunny ears that he had grown to love.

His mouth opened and then shut like a damn goldfish, forgetting what he was about to tell you.

"Steven," you furrowed your brows.

He knew he was in trouble as soon as you called out his full name. "Yeah?"

"When are we going to discuss the wedding?"

"I'm sorry, doll, work has been hectic these days. But soon."

"Soon? Soon doesn't do it for me," jutting your hip and leaning against the door to your walk in closet, "I need an exact date."

"I can't give it to you right now, puppy," his jaw clenching as you rolled your eyes, "Watch yourself, sweetheart. I had a long day, you don't wanna get on my bad side today."

"You shouldn't have put a rock on it if you didn't intend on marrying me," rolling your eyes extra hard just to get on his nerves.

"I do want to marry you. But right now... you're sort of making me have second thoughts."

He regretted those words as soon as they left his mouth. Because you looked about ready to smack him.

"Fine then. I guess I'll leave and go live with my mother from now on. She would be happy for sure, she isn't too thrilled about our engage - " you stopped your rant as soon as you noticed crimson seeping through his crisp white undershirt as he took off his coat.

Your eyes as wide as saucers, your heart beating fast and hard in your chest and you could feel your eyes getting watery. You weren't handing out empty threats, you were definitely serious about leaving. Just to remind Steve of just how much he loves you.

It wouldn't be the first time. You had done it once before, when you went back to live at your apartment because he yelled at you for going out with your girlfriends without Peter. You didn't need a babysitter, especially not one who was several years younger than you. You had gathered up your things from Steve's penthouse and went home with a heavy heart. You loved him with all your heart, but there was no way you could make it work with someone who was that controlling and mean to you.

But he came to you, literally got on his knees to apologize and to beg for you to take him back. He even made you give up your apartment and got you a bigger house for you both to live in. Just so you couldn't take off ever again.

"Steve... your bleeding..." you said as you held back a sob. Any anger you had towards him was now gone.

"Oh, shit," he looked down to his side, "Must've ruptured the stitch or something..."

You walked over to him, holding onto his waist and looking up at him, trying not to look at his wound. You weren't that squimish around blood, it rarely ever bothered you, but this was your Stevie, and he was hurt. "What happened?"

"Its... It's nothing, doll. It was an accident."

"Yeah, I guess you slipped and fell on a bullet," you huffed.

"No, the bullet barely grazed me. And you know I don't like talking about those things with you."

"Why? I'm not stupid or weak, I have a right to know."

"Of course, not, puppy. You're my sweet, strong, smart girl," he cooed, bending a bit to peck your lips and then groaning. "Gotta, be careful with this," he said as your fingers worked on unbuttoning his shirt.

"If I'm so strong and smart then tell me what happened," you asked as you pushed his shirt off his shoulders. You didn't stop to marvel at his huge and perfect body like you always do, you looked at the fresh batch on stitches right over his hips.

"No, puppy. You're too good for that world, too good for me," he groaned as he sat down on the little pink couch he had put in the closet for you. Since you spent hours trying to pick outfits, he didn't want you standing too long and hurting your feet.

"Fine then don't tell me," you whimpered, rubbing your tears off with the back of your hand.

"Hey, it's okay. I'm okay. I'm right here, not going anywhere," he tried to pull you into his lap, usually he wouldn't even have to ask for you sit on it, but right now you were pulling away and refusing for some reason, "C'mere, doll," he almost whined. Not used to being told no by you anymore than you were by him.

"No, I don't wanna hurt you," you hiccuped, as your sobs started to calm down.

"You wouldn't. You could never hurt me. C'mere I wanna cuddle you and make you feel better," he tried to pull you into him again but you just shook your head.

"I should be the one making you better. Not the other way around. But I don't know how to..." you swayed from side to side, suddenly ashamed of your brash behavior from earlier. "I'm sorry, I was being such a brat earlier."

"It's okay, puppy. I forgive you. You were right, we need to fix a date and find a venue and get you a pretty dress. I wanna see you in one of those poffy gowns, like a princess."

"That's called a ballgown," you said proudly, having done your research now. You knew all about the styles of the gowns, sleeves, necklines, colors and everything. "And you're not going to be involved in dress shopping process. Grooms aren't supposed to see the dress before the wedding it's bad luck."

He hummed at that, a bit disappointed but he would eventually see it, and then take it off, so it wasn't a huge loss. "Yes, you're right. But, let's not forget, you were a bad girl."

You gasped incredulously, "Well, you were being a bad fiance!" Which earned you a swift smack to your backside, making you yelp and fall forward, holding onto his shoulders for support.

"I didn't mind you calling me out for that. I want you to be honest with me and tell me everything. But you threatened to leave me, again."

You pouted. Offended for being called out so blatantly. Yeah you always made empty threats, packed up your bags just for show, whenever you didn't get your way. Never considering his feelings when yours were hurt.

"Sorry," you mumbled.

"I forgive you. I know you didn't mean it. But I'll have to teach you your lesson. Just so you know better next time."

You nodded your head, which made him spank you once more, "Yes, daddy!"

"Good. How many do you think you deserve?"

"Um... Fifteen. Ten for threatening to leave, and five for giving you attitude."

"See, you're so smart. I'll punish you tomorrow though. I'm tired right now," he groaned as he sat back against the couch, squeezing your hips and admiring your figure, showing through the thin material of your nightie.

"Um, daddy?"

"Yes, angel?"

"Is there anyway I can make you feel better right now?"

"Yeah, you can give me a kiss. You didn't give me one this morning when I left, or when I came back."

"Okay, I'll kiss you. But I also wanted to do more..." you murmured, your face burned hot as you realised that Steve was going to make you say what you wanted to do.

"Like what?"

"Like, take your cock down my throat. Would that make you feel better? I'll try and be careful about your stitches." Truth be told you missed being intimate with him, you needed it as much as he did.

"It definitely would make me feel better. But I want to have you close to me," he stroked the inside of your thighs, hands dangerously close to your cunt, "Why don't you, come ride my cock. Just like I taught you, hm?"

"But - what if I hurt you..." you whined. But he wasn't having any of it, rolling your panties down your legs.

"You wouldn't, puppy, come on we'll be careful. Be quick."

You gave him a meek nod, unzipping him with shaky fingers, giving his glorious cock a couple of pumps before straddling his lap. You made sure to not put any pressure on his lap. Lining his cock up to your pussy with your hands wrapped around his neck, you slowly sanked down on him.

First giving him a nice and thorough kiss to make him for not kissing him goodbye or welcome home like you always do. "I feel so full," you say against his lips.

He hummed, squeezing your ass, "I was made for you, angel. As you were for me." He slid the straps of your nightie down your arms, exposing your breasts to him. He made sure to shower them with all his lips, sucking, kissing and biting and pulling with his mouth. You were making the sweetest of noises, trying to keep your moans in as he helped you bounce on his cock by holding onto your hips.

"You're doing so good. Being such a good girl for me. My sweet, best girl," he cooed, kissing your forehead, he knew how you were still vulnerable to be on top.

"Am I making you feel better, daddy?" you sniffled, his cock hiting you in all the right places, making it impossible for you to keep going and hold off your climax.

"I'm all better already, thanks to you, puppy."

[seijorhi]

Through the cold, I'll find my way back to you

Me attempting a multi-part fic?? More likely than you think! I wrote this fic because this blog started with Hawks and Dabi and kinda got a bit of traction with soulmate au’s so to me it made sense to post it for my first anniversary. I hope you guys like it! 💕

Touya Todoroki (Dabi) x female reader, Keigo Takami (Hawks) x female reader

TW canonical character ‘death’, a little angst and maybe a slight hint of dub-con (if you squint your eyes a little)

Part I, II

You’re eleven years old when your parents take you by the hand, sit you down on the couch and tell you that your soulmate is dead.

It doesn’t make sense. There’s a hollow ache inside of your chest like something important is gone but you were with Touya only yesterday. You had the rest of your lives together, you were gonna leave with him, start something better…

You feel empty and you can’t understand it. He can’t be dead, that’s not how it works. You find your soulmate and you get to ride off into the sunset. You get to be happy, everyone knows that.

But it doesn’t sink in until you’re kicking and screaming by his grave and Endeavor won’t so much as meet your eye and your parents are pulling you back because there’s no body.

There’s nothing left of Touya Todoroki.

And there’s nothing left of you without him.

—

They call it the bloom. A simple touch, the first from your soulmate’s hand, and the mark appears on your skin like drops of ink spilled into water. You’ve always thought it beautiful, the delicate black pattern imprinted on your wrist.

You can still remember the heat you’d felt when it happened. Not the burning kind you knew him capable of, but like the warmth of a fire seeping through you. And you remember the way those bright, blue eyes had widened as you’d tripped and fell, taking him with you. His mark was over his heart; Touya always was stupidly smug about that.

You were just kids. Angry and scared and lost, but you had Touya and Touya had you.

(Not that that counted for anything in the end. He still died alone.)

They say it’s rare to find your soulmate before adulthood, but you’d been one of the lucky ones.

Lucky.

The word tastes bitter on your tongue now. It’s not that you disagree exactly – even now, years after his death you’re glad that you had time with him. You would’ve been grateful for a minute, for a mere glance at his face. Two and a half years with your soulmate was a gift, but having him, losing him so young only meant that you had more years of your life to struggle on without him.

And sometimes you catch yourself staring at your mark, lost in thought. Touya was the one with all the plans, you were always just the tag along, happy to go anywhere so long as he was the one leading you. You wonder what he’d think if he could see you now. Not the Hero you’d let yourselves imagine, though you suppose you both knew deep down that was nothing more than a pipe dream for someone like you.

Gazing around your cramped, messy apartment, debating exactly how badly you need this shitty, barely-enough-to-scrape-by job, you can’t imagine he’d be impressed.

God knows your parents are disappointed, but that’s nothing new. The Quirkless daughter of two mid rank heroes – well, the only thing you ever had going for you was being Enji Todoroki’s future daughter in law, and everybody knows how that one ended.

But part of you likes to think that maybe Touya wouldn’t judge you too harshly for it. You’re doing the best you can. You’re surviving, all on your own, that has to count for something, doesn’t it?

There’s a text message awaiting you when you roll over and grab your phone.

Happy Birthday x

Natsuo never forgets. The rest of the Todoroki’s – you ceased to matter to them the day they buried an empty casket for their son. Natsuo’s the only one who bothers to check in on you, make sure that you’re keeping your head above the water. It’s usually just a message here and there, and he calls you on Touya’s birthday. And on the anniversary of his death.

It’s painful for him, but you suppose you’re the only tangible connection he has left of his brother.

You stare at the message for a moment longer, a strange feeling tugging at your heart. Typing out a quick reply, you set your phone down and fall back onto your bed, staring up at the ceiling with a sigh.

Today of all days, you’d honestly rather just roll over and let the hours pass you by, but your boss isn’t that forgiving and as much as you hate to admit it, you need this job.

The hotel’s already abuzz by the time you clock in, your manager’s jaw tight, a frown pinching at his face. As much as you don’t like him, you can’t exactly blame him for the bad mood – in less than three hours, the ballroom will be filled with a media circus and a plethora of pro heroes. Some big promotional event before the hero rankings are announced; you honestly don’t care.

It just means that everybody’s on edge, you’re gonna spend all day stuck in heels, smiling blandly while you serve people who won’t so much as look twice at you.

And then there’s the real reason you’re dreading today. 6’4”, blue eyed, broad shouldered, currently burning holes into you from across the ballroom while you carry around a platter of canapés. The last time you’d seen Enji Todoroki in person was two weeks after the funeral, and he’d ignored you entirely.

That was years ago; you weren’t even in your teens. Half of you had hoped that in his infinite arrogance and the complete lack of care he’d shown since his son’s death he would’ve forgotten about you entirely.

From the way he’s spent the last twenty minutes staring at you while bulldozing past reporters, though, you’re not feeling all that confident.

And for the life of you, you can’t figure out why your presence seems to be disturbing him so much, considering you’re really only there to serve and then fade into the background. It’s not like you’re chasing after him, demanding an autograph much less any kind of acknowledgement – you’re not exactly thrilled to be here either. Things work just fine with the two of you pretending the other doesn’t exist.

Does he think you’ve planned this? Some big ‘fuck you’ to try and mess with what you’re sure will be an announcement of his retainership of the number one position? Even while Touya was still alive, his father didn’t have a place in your life – he was off training his youngest, you barely saw him and you were glad for it.

While he might have hated him, some part of Touya still idolised him, craved his approval, but Enji had never been anything to you but a selfish, unfeeling monster. A bully.

But now he’s staring at you, slack jawed and wide eyed like he’s seen a ghost and it’s harder than you thought it would be to keep that smile plastered across your face knowing he’s watching your every move.

Your cheeks feels hot, and it only gets worse when you realise that Endeavor’s less than subtle behaviour is slowly but surely drawing attention from others in the room. A few curious reporters have shot you odd looks, heads cocked for a moment before dismissing you as just another waitress, hardly headline worthy.

The other heroes are less quick to brush you off. Mirko, current number five, elegantly clasping her glass of champagne in a gloved hand keeps shooting furtive glances between you and Enji, Gang Orca’s beady eyes following you across the floor, a flicker of what you’re fairly sure is concern maring his face.

It’s mortifying. Your smile is stretched and painful, your throat tight and you feel utterly exposed, but there’s nothing you can do. The flame hero doesn’t seem to care about the attention he’s drawing, or that with every passing minute it gets harder and harder for you to maintain that professional, customer service demeanour you need for this job.

And you’re beyond caring if he’s embarrassed to find his firstborn’s soulmate has sunk so low in his absence, you just want him to stop staring so you can finish your shift in peace. But it seems like the flame hero has other plans, because you’re just beginning to seriously weigh up your chances of keeping this job if you just up and walk off right here and now when Enji’s limited patience finally reaches its threshold.

He doesn’t bother offering excuses towards the poor reporter trying to pry an interview out of him, he just abruptly sets his drink down and starts stalking towards you. Rationally, you realise that with all these people here, he can’t make too much of a scene.

It’s just that even the thought of having to talk with him, to look into those blue eyes that are so painfully familiar yet wrong–

You can’t do it.

Not today.

And so you spin on your heel, stomach lurching. The silver tray in your hands stacked high with champagne teeters and falls, crystal glass shattering on the marble floors drawing gasps from the crowd. Endeavor calls out your name but you block him out, desperately weaving your way through the stunned mass of people.

Most of them give you a wide berth, likely due to the oversized hero barrelling after you. He calls your name again, louder this time. It’s not a scream, or a yell – it almost sounds pleading, though you can’t possibly imagine why. Endeavor doesn’t do pleading.

Your cheeks are burning; there’s too many people staring and hot tears begin to prickle at your eyes. A flash of red blurs past your field of vision and you start, a sharp squeak slipping out as a figure lands before you, blocking your exit.

Handsome with bushy eyebrows, dirty blonde hair messily brushed back and golden eyes gleaming; the hero in front of you would be impossible to mistake, even if it weren’t for the sweeping blood red wings sprouting from his back. Hawks, the current number two pro-hero and the only man standing between you and your fumbling escape.

Your body’s slow to catch up with your mind though, and as you try to stop, backpedal and side-step him at once your foot catches on your ankle. It’s instinctive, the way your arms fly up, wildly trying to catch yourself before you fall on your ass.

Just like you suppose it’s instinctive for him to rush forward to do the same.

It happens in a split second, your fingers brushing the skin of his neck just above the collar of his shirt, his hand grasping at your waist to steady you. Beneath his gloved hand a familiar burst of heat warms your skin.

Time slows to a crawl. The ballroom, all the gathered heroes and the press, your co-workers, they all fade into the background as your eyes dart to your fingertips, resting gently on the side of Hawks’ throat. There, a soft, inky black mark begins to unfurl spreading up to his jaw, disappearing below the collar of his turtleneck.

Over the quiet hum of the classical music playing in the background, you hear his breath catch.

He has you dipped, the two of you frozen as if in a dance and for a moment you dare to meet those piercing golden eyes. There’s a clicking sound, a camera shutter you distantly register, but while it makes your heart jump, Hawks pays it no mind.

He stares at you with impossibly wide eyes; open, vulnerable and raw.

And then he blinks, and that glimpse is gone, his grip tightening as he slowly sets you right. He doesn’t let you go, however.

“Hawks,” Enji’s tone is low and gruff, a warning this time.

Tension, thick and crackling with electricity hangs in the air between the three of you, amplified by the crowd of onlookers. All those journalists, chomping at the bit with the realisation of a juicy story playing out right in front of their eyes. Your name’s called out again, not by Endeavor, but by the reporter he’d cut off before – eyeing you now with an eager leer that has you recoiling back into Hawks’ embrace.

It’s enough to jerk the winged hero into action. His mouth finds your ear, his thumb sweeping soothingly along your side as he speaks low enough for only you to hear.

“You wanna leave, baby bird?”

You don’t remember nodding, but you must have, because in the space of a single heartbeat Hawks has you hoisted up in his arms, those powerful wings spreading wide – and you’re flying.

—

“I don’t think I have a job anymore,” you laugh drily, staring down at the city lights twinkling on the horizon.

Beside you, Hawks snorts in agreement, “Hell of a way to make an exit, though.”

He’s not wrong. You can only imagine what the tabloid headlines will say tomorrow ‘Pro Hero sweeps hotel waitress soulmate off her feet’ ‘Hawks mates for life; Endeavor jealous?’ Even if by some miracle your boss wasn’t intent on firing you on the spot, you’re not sure you can even bear to show your face there again.

It’ll be a pain though, trying to find a new job while your face is plastered across every less than reputable news outlet.

Perched atop the rooftop of Hawks’ hotel, halfway across the city, the wind ruffling gently through your hair, everything feels… surreal almost. It’s your birthday, and instead of crashing through the door of your apartment, exhausted and aching before falling face first onto your bed and not moving for the next few hours, you’re here. With the number two pro hero. Who, incidentally, is your second soulmate.

Having more than one soulmate, it’s not unheard of, just… rare.

And your hand’s entwined with his, his gloves long since discarded, his fleece lined jacket draped over your shoulders. Touya’s mark, long since blossomed across your inner wrist lies starkly between the two of you, unignorable.

“It was his son, wasn’t it?” he asks eventually, breaking the fragile silence as he toys with your fingers. When you nervously risk a glance up, Hawks doesn’t look angry or upset or even that jealous. Those golden eyes study your face with an odd kind of curiosity, but there’s no trace of resentment there. “Touya, the one who died. He was your soulmate.”

It’s not a question, but you find yourself nodding anyway. A part of you’s almost surprised he put it together so quickly, but you guess being a pro hero of that calibre requires a little more than just having a strong quirk.

“I’m sorry,” you murmur, because what else can you say?

You can’t possibly imagine how he’s feeling right now, what thoughts are running through his head. You’d accepted a long time ago that while you’d love Touya Todoroki until your dying breath, he was gone; that chance of a fairytale happily ever after going with him. Another soulmate wasn’t something you’d ever considered, much less wasted time longing for.

And yet here you are, another mark inked across your skin and it feels wrong somehow, yet also completely right. Imagining being on the other foot; putting yourself in Hawks’ shoes – a pro hero soulmated to some insignificant, quirkless waitress, and not only that, but finding out she has another soulmate, somebody she loved before you, a ghost of a memory you’ll always be competing against… you honestly don’t know how you’d feel.

“Look at me,” he whispers, calloused fingers coaxing at your chin. Heart thrumming like a hummingbird's you comply, letting out another soft squeak as Hawks takes the hand still entwined with his and lifts it to his neck, right above his mark.

He smiles, nuzzling into the touch as your breath stutters. “You’re mine, aren’t you?” Again, you find yourself nodding without even really being conscious of it. It doesn’t seem to matter to Hawks though, whose smile widens at the sight of it. He leans in closer, his breath fanning across your face as molten pools of honey drink you in. You wonder if he can feel the way your pulse is racing under his touch, mixed emotions warring inside of you as he cups your cheek.

“And I’m yours. That’s all I care about, baby bird.”

He’s drawing you into a kiss before you can even comprehend the words, soft lips moving against yours. Gently at first, but that sweetness gives way to a burning urgency as he pulls you closer, holds you tighter.

Hawks kisses you like your lips hold salvation, and it’s frightening and thrilling and it feels like every nerve in your body is electrified when his teeth catch at your bottom lip and he moans your name.

There’s some part of you that realises that you’re moving too fast – soulmates or not he’s practically a stranger – but as you break for air, panting and breathless and Hawks looks at you with those burning, beautiful eyes; you’re helpless to resist.

“Keigo,” he tells you as he lays you down on his bed, crawling up between your thighs with a gleaming, hungry smirk that’s nothing less than predatory, “Call me Keigo.”

[snelbz]

Life As We Know It {Chapter 23}

Summary: After the sudden deaths of Nesta’s sister and Cassian’s best friend, they gain guardianship of their nephew, Nyx.

Based on Life As We Know It (2010) and a prompt sent in by anonymous for our Nessian fanfic contest. This is a modern au.

Instead of doing a tag list for this story, we have decided to have a set posting schedule. Chapters will be posted weekly on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays. Occasional surprise chapters could be posted at miscellaneous times. Chapters will be posted on both my and Tara’s blogs! >> @tacmc.​

Life As We Know It Masterlist

Shelby’s Masterlist

Tara’s Masterlist

Nesta was torn.

Half of her thought that Cassian was overreacting, but the other half of her thought that his anger and frustration was perfectly justified.

What exactly were they getting into? And, was it what was best for Nyx? Yeah, the last month had been great, but if it didn’t work out, what would that mean for him? Would it be better if she and Cassian had simply remained two friends, co-parenting under one roof?

Nesta’s heart began to beat a little faster.

She felt like she was going into a panic attack.

Cassian and Nyx had been gone for an hour, and every second that passed became more and more unbearable.

She needed him to be there.

She needed to figure this out.

She just didn’t know what the answer was.

Alis had gotten into her head, there was no doubt about that. A little over an hour ago, she was living in a dream, then Alis came in, out of nowhere, and brought her back to reality.

She was sitting on the couch, almost exactly where he’d left her, when he finally returned. He was covered in sweat, his t-shirt sticking to him. Nyx was having a conversation with him, more to himself though, since it didn’t seem like Cassian was even close to paying attention to him. But his eyes went directly to Nesta as soon as he walked in.

She’d changed. She no longer wore his t-shirt, instead in a loose shirt of her own and a pair of jeans, and her hair was loose and wet around her face. As if she’d need to shower their night together, shower him off of her. Not a shred of that beautiful skin was showing, not like she’d been doing lately. Leggings and shorts and tank tops. She’d been comfortable around him.

With a scoff, Cassian set Nyx down on the floor. He headed for the stairs, but Nesta stood, nearly toppling the cup of coffee she’d been clutching over as she set it on the coffee table. “Cassian, we need to talk about this.”

He paused, waving a hand towards her. “What for? It looks like you’ve already made your decision.”

“I need you to calm down,” she said, steadily. “I need you to think logically.”

Cassian closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I need you to tell me.”

Nesta hesitated. “Tell you what?”

“If this is something you want to pursue or if I just wasted the last couple months falling in love with you,” he finished.

His voice may have lacked emotion, but Nesta felt every word like a stab in the chest. Falling in love with you. Those were the words she was going to tell him today, under much different circumstances.

Now, she didn’t know what to think.

Now, she was overwhelmed.

Now, all of her thoughts were rushing toward the same spot in the middle of her skull at a thousand miles an hour, and when they got there, her head would explode.

“It’s not that easy,” she said, and her voice cracked.

“But it should be,” Cassian said. “If you feel the way that I do, it should be that easy.”

“We have to think of Nyx,” she breathed.

“I am thinking of Nyx,” he said, struggling to keep his voice low. At the sound of his name, the baby turned to look at him. “I want him to grow up in a happy home, seeing two people who love each other, and damn it if that isn’t how it’s been for the past few weeks.”

“It’s not that simple,” Nesta said, shaking her head. “What happens if we break up? What happens if we get in a fight or something happens to one of us? What then?”

He had strode down the stairs and was in front of her before he could stop himself. He framed her face in his hands, like he had so many times the past month, to kiss her, to make love to her, to show her how he cared for her. “Why are you worrying about the what if’s? Why are you worrying about what could go wrong, rather than how right everything has been?”

Because everything goes wrong eventually. The only reason we’re together is because we were shoved into this house after the worst thing imaginable happened. They died. We took over. What right do we have to be happy?

The words flooded her mind, but stilled on her tongue.

Nesta didn’t push him away. She wanted to reach up on her toes and kiss him, softly, but she didn’t.

Instead, she met his gaze. “Cass,” she breathed.

The pain in his eyes nearly shattered her heart into a million pieces.

Nyx had walked up to them and was hugging Nesta’s leg, as if he knew that she needed the comfort.

“Dont say my name like that,” he whispered.

Nesta slowly shook her head. “I just think this has all happened too quickly. We haven’t been thinking, we’ve just been acting-.”

“You’re pushing me away,” Cassian interrupted, swallowing harshly. “Damn it, Nesta.”

“You don’t understand,” she pleaded.

“Because you’re not making sense,” he argued. “Things have been perfect—”

“They’re dead!” She cried, pulling from his grip, scooping Nyx up. “Things have been far from perfect. We’re only like this now because Rhys and Feyre are dead.”

The words seemed to freeze something inside of Cassian and he stepped back as well. “So what? We go back to how we used to be? I’m back in the guest room and we awkwardly exchange good mornings over breakfast?”

She closed her eyes, trying to block out the sight of him, the scent of him, everything. “I don’t know, Cassian, I don’t—.” She took a shuddering breath, her arms wrapping tighter around Nyx. “I just need some time to think, to breathe…”

When she looked back up at him, his jaw was set and he was slowly nodding. “Fine. Take your time.”

And then he was moving, back up the stairs before Nesta could even ask what he was doing.

A few minutes later, he was back with a duffle bag in his hands.

“Wh—what are you doing?”

“Giving you space,” he said, refusing to meet her gaze.

Nesta opened her mouth but nothing came out. She was frozen where she stood, her feet stuck to the floor, her mouth hanging open, that panic rising from the pit of her stomach into her heart, which was beating far too quickly.

Cassian kissed Nyx on the forehead as he passed, but paid Nesta no mind as he went for the door.

“Cassian!” She called, at last.

Cassian stopped just in front of the door, keeping his back to her, one hand on the doorknob.

“You're just going to leave?” She asked, quietly, bouncing a sleepy Nyx on her hip. “Just like that?”

Cassian didn’t turn around. “Are you going to ask me to stay?”

Yes. No. I don’t know. Nesta said nothing.

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” he grumbled, exhaustion lacing his tone. “Maybe I need time to think, too.”

He opened the door and shut it softly behind him.

*

He didn’t know where else to go. He didn’t have anywhere else to go.

He knew where he wanted to be, but right now…

He couldn’t look at her.

It didn’t escape him that when he’d told her he’d fallen in love with her, she didn’t say it back. He couldn’t even act like he hadn’t seen her eyes flare in panic. So he couldn’t stay there. Couldn’t go back to sleeping in that guest room, not when he’d become so used to sleeping with her in his arms every night.

So Cassian had ended up here, knocking on his brother’s door, thankful that his car had been parked in the driveway when he pulled up.

He needed a drink. He needed someone to tell him he was being an asshole. He needed someone to listen while he vented and bitched. He knew Azriel would do all that for him.

When he answered the door, Seph was in his arms, pulling on his bottom lip. She smiled when she saw Cassian, but Azriel’s surprised smile quickly faded.

“Do I want to know?” He asked, looking at the duffel bag tossed over Cassian’s shoulder.

Cassian sighed, raking a hand through his hair. “Can I sleep here tonight?”

Azriel stared at him for a second before stepping aside and letting Cassian pass.

“Are we talking about this now or later?” Azriel asked, shutting the door behind them.

“Beer?” Cassian asked, dropping his bag beside the couch.

“Fridge,” Azriel said, slowly, watching him.

Cassian made his way to the kitchen and threw open the refrigerator door, grabbing a cold bottle and chugging its contents.

Azriel followed, leaning against the countertop and Seph continued to play with his lips.

“Where’s Elain?” Cassian asked, tossing the empty bottle into the trash and getting another.

“Work,” Azriel said, sighing. “So, if this involves smack talking Nesta, you may want to get it out now.”

He shook his head. He didn’t want to do that, barely wanted to think about her. But he owed Azriel at least some explanation.

“The social worker stopped by this morning,” he sighed, leaning back against the counter and opening the beer. “And honestly, yeah, it was unexpected, but I figured it’d be fine. Last time, Nes was drunk off her ass, but we— I figured, since we were more of a family this time, things would be great.”

Azriel blinked. “They’re not taking Nyx, are they?”

Another shake of his head. “No, gods, no. They— She could tell he was in good hands, but she immediately picked up on Nesta and I. What we’ve…become.”

It seemed, just like Cassian, Azriel didn’t see it as a problem. He wasn’t following. “And?”

“And Nyx was hungry so I left the social worker and Nesta alone to get him breakfast. I came back and she’s gone and Nesta is second-guessing our relationship. She asked if I’m just fucking her out of convenience.”

The thought made him sick to his stomach, almost as badly as it hurt his heart.

“And you replied with…” Azriel began, trailing off, waiting for Cassian to finish the sentence.

“I went for a jog,” Cassian said, shrugging.

“So you ran away?” Azriel pushed.

Cassian shot him a look. “No. I went for a jog.”

Azriel sighed. “And when you came back?”

“She said she needed space,” Cassian said, emptying his bottle.

Azriel set Seph on the floor with a plastic spatula, which she instantly start banging on the cabinets. “And that’s when you ran away?”

“I didn’t run,” Cassian snapped. “I gave her what she wanted. I gave her space.”

Azriel slowly shook his head. “Did you even try to talk things out?”

“Yes,” Cassian said, the word clipped. “Told her I was falling in love with her, and guess how she replied?”

Azriel watched his brother.

“Didn’t say a fucking word,” Cassian finished.

When Azriel didn’t speak, he walked back to the trash can, dropping the bottle inside.

“Quit looking at me like I’m the bad guy here,” he said, unable to turn around and look his brother in the eye. “She was ending it. She was calling things off and I’m supposed to, what? Just keep living there like we were before? Pretend nothing has changed?” He swallowed hard, willing the damn tears clouding his vision to fade. They wouldn’t. “She didn’t even ask me to stay.”

Azriel sighed, opening a cabinet beside the fridge that Seph couldn’t reach. He produced a bottle of whiskey and set it on the counter. “I can’t drink until Elain gets home. And I absolutely think you need to talk to Nesta, but I think you’re right. You need to stay here tonight. Give her space.”

Cassian blinked, and a tear that was holding on slid free, down his cheek. He angrily wiped it away. He felt ridiculous, but it had been a long time since he had told a woman that he loved her. He’d never said it in his adulthood. A couple times in his teens, before he knew what the word really meant, but never as an adult.

He’d said it.

He’d meant it.

And she hadn’t felt the same.

Cassian nodded and poured himself a glass of whiskey.

*

Nesta stared at Cassian’s contact on her phone screen.

She wanted to press the call button, but didn’t.

She did open a blank text a few times, but couldn’t type anything.

She didn’t know what to think, didn’t know what to do.

She knew what she wanted.

She wanted Cassian.

But, she didn’t know if that was a good thing or not.

She had never been one who was dependent on a man, had spent most of her twenties single and having no problem with it. But suddenly, she couldn’t imagine her day to day life without Cassian in it. And that terrified her.

She heard murmuring on the baby monitor sitting next to her on the side table and glanced over to see Nyx sitting up in his crib.

It had been nearly three hours since Cassian left, and aside from putting Nyx down for a nap, Nesta had barely moved. She still sat in the same spot on the couch she’d been in when the social worker had shown up and when she’d ignored that Cassian had said that he loved her.

The words should have filled her with joy and she should have screamed from the rooftops that she loved him, too. Instead she locked up and thought she was going to be sick.

What was wrong with her?

Wiping away the tears she didn’t even realize had fallen, Nesta hurried up the stairs, and into Nyx’s nursery. He reached for her the moment he saw her, his own big, blue eyes beginning to fill with tears.

“What’s wrong, bubba?” She cooed, resting his head against her shoulder.

After a deep sigh, he looked up at her and reached for a tear that had fallen down her cheek. His lip began to wobble.

“I’m okay,” Nesta promised, even though her voice cracked and those tears continued. “I’m okay, buddy, I promise.”

Nyx knew, though.

He knew something wasn’t right.

He knew Cassian was gone.

He knew Nesta was heartbroken.

Little did he know that her heartbreak was self-inflicted.

Nyx laid his head back on her shoulder and clung to her. He stayed like that as she walked back downstairs and sat back in her spot on the couch.

He held onto her, looking around the room. She knew he was looking for him and was about to tell him he wasn’t here when he spoke. The word wasn’t a mash up of noises like it had always been. No, it was a true and steady word. His first word.

“Dada?”

Nesta froze. She didn’t even know what to say. Should she tell him Cassian wasn’t his father? He probably wouldn’t even understand, just like he didn’t understand where Rhys and Feyre had gone.

But…for all intents and purposes, Cassian was his daddy now. And she was his mama.

So she pressed a kiss to his dark hair and whispered. “He had to leave, baby. He had to go for a little while.”

Nesta hoped and prayed that Cassian would walk back through that door, and yet, she couldn’t muster the courage to ask him to.

That night, instead of Cassian taking up the spot next to her, it was Nyx, who held her hand until they both fell asleep.