#there are So Many references to things that nobody here will understand but eh whatever lol

[hana-bobo-finch]

found the first pikmin fanfic I ever wrote lmao it was back in may and it was while I was at the dentist in the waiting room 🫡🫡

[islib]

Hermitcraft S10 Starting, here's pretty much every thought I've had while watching the first batch of first episodes that seemed worth writing down

ZombieCleo first

Why do they keep making Mumbo give the starting speech lmaooooo

"It's a Skizz!" "And a Joel!"

X first on fire. It's season X time. "That's a really bad start - noone punch me."

...wait what - oh they ARE playing Demise!

MYSTERY GIFTS!

they're so professional you guys

oooooh coop caving!

why is Joe on a horse that's Bdubs's job

what is that team name, Ren, why

"mustard milklies" thanks Beef for making it worse, thanks Cleo for trying to intervene

oh this is gonna be fun from multiPOV "I found a massive hole" "where's the big hole you promised me Cleo" my gods

Doc has a bed thing and bloodthirst, love it

oh the mustard milk team is going for lies, NICE

"Willage" is a very funny concept

"Huh, who mocked my accent?" "Nobody, I don't know what she's talking about!" "...hm? Canadian? Eh?"

Cleo's already resorting to threats against her own team!

"Oh, milk tots!"

oh no, Wels's power went out right before the recording?

lapis is now dubbed "french blue stuff"

"I am a child and so are you!" Cleo @ Doc

"OH IMPULSE IS GONE!" *cue celebration* FIRST DEATH

"Cleo, lie to me and tell me you believe in me." "I think you're a beautiful person, Skizz." "...that hurt even more!"

mustard mouse pads - or whatever it was

Ren's dead! We get all his stuff!

15 minutes left milk moustaches!

how did Ren already manage to name a place "The Hillock"

Doc is only PC for salmon, worried about "the salmon twitter mob"

season 10 stands for X-rated, according to Beef.

Doc doesn't understand cooperativeness. Doc needs to win things. "It's non-competitive- why am I even here?" "Remember: he doesn't like to DO anything." (ref to previously misheard "I don't like to do editing")

Skizz's first impression of Doc on the server, simplified: "So you guys are my team? So I kill you guys?"

Cleo is the only person to play "real Hermitcraft" last season on the mustard m-whatevers. By their own words. Beef believes her definition of "playing real Hermitcraft" is debatable.

Doc just dug a hole. He doesn't do anything.

Suddenly, "not doing anything" is, I guess, a redstoner trait in general? Ren accused Mumbo.

Mumbo needs someone to hold his heels and earrings so he can clobber Ren, I think

Cleo's being a horsegirl? What is this season?

Bdubs really trying to invoke Clethubs in order to get a saddle, huh

noone is scared of Ren.

False-Ren-Cleo plateup reference!!!

Statue book acquired. Priorities in check for Cleo.

gosh I hate Nether early game, I'm so tense just watching

oh that is tragic. RIP.

Cleo's looking to base with people! Yays!

Nice to meet you, Jason Pendergast! What a name!

oooooh new outro music? I think? fun!

Xisuma second (because it's season X)

half a heart during the intro. what a start, X. (tbf, totally cub's fault, he nudged him, I saw it!)

...what the heck is the Hillock, Ren?

Zed's doing things going "No hands!"

oh dear, chat errors o.O

"hey Ren! I totally forgot what group I'm in." what a derp.

wonderful intro, Ren, thanks for the professionalism

my gosh it's the X guys together

AND joehills? this group can't do any wrong! AND THE KERALIS MAN YAYS

"some funny clips" *insert cave-in*

"Hazardous terrain!" "Hazardous teammate, you mean!"

X stop playing with lava, it's not your friend

...dear gods the caves don't like Xisuma

so many Xisuma noises

"I was trying to jumpscare you... but I'm bad at that" Xisuma you make so many random noises, nobody gets shocked anymore <3

nobody remembers to check for Keralis - and this forgettability transfers to the teams Keralis is on. how dare, Ren?

Ren can't count! and everyone else forgot!

doc's doing a communal starter village? everyone's gonna be endgame next week! (probably sooner!)

wonder what the purple wool is for

...not vampires, X. reapers aren't vampires. I don't think anyone's drinking blood yet XD

I think X has some misconceptions about this Demise variant. Might just be me though. (I do know Skizz didn't "get" Cleo, however)

X is starting at a villager house!

StressStressStressStress

first Hermit to capture an attempt at coordination (Ren's being very serious)

hypno is better than everyone (already working)

"I don't wanna die... wait, if Ren can do it, I can do it!" that's right Stress

"I think if you die you should be punished" Well, Ren. We'll see how you feel in a few minutes.

[I took a break to make waffles, don't mind me...]

this team is not creeper-friendly

Mumbo is so brave

why is there just redstone on the floor. who's decorating the camp with bloodstains.

...they've decorated with an OR-gate. yeah this sure is the team with Mumbo and iskall on it.

Ren's adding chairs. On brand.

do not let Ren go caving, why would you do that?

"kill them! kill Etho, he's washed." I see we're keeping that joke xD

iskall's washed now. Etho's washed him. with a water bucket. (yes I do think I'm funny)

Ren's organising (he does not want to cave - Ren, you're the one organising the caving. why.)

cat is a good funeral song for RentheDog

they've buried a pig's head, a lever, a sunflower and two raw chicken. RIP RentheRandomItems

WHAT IS THE HILLOCK

...I think Stress discovered world's tiniest cherry biome. It's well cute though.

oh gods iskall's poor voice right the week of both VH and HC recordings, poor man

love the way cub's apparently a hermitcrab who's given up his shelter for greener pastures

if this was anyone but iskall and stress, I'd be worried about this cave expedition

iskall and stress shared spawner, I'm having flashbacks

why are you two counting blocks. you can tell each other the coordinates. the ever efficient duo! (love them to bits)

HOUSE SKELETONS!

wait sorry iskall "you can fortune potatoes" ? I think you may have case of modbrain. I may be wrong, but I don't think that's a vanilla thing...

season of the horsegirls

Hello sir Meepalot!

Stress survived the scary eyes man (Keralis has no lava)

oooooh aesthetic animal pens!!!! that's the stuff!!!!

...not the Ren Mound, the 10 does stand for X-rated after all

Ren: "I notice you don't have much armor on." *Stress suits up* We continue the trend of "noone is scared of Ren"

peace and love in the neighbourhood

"You're welcome in my mound whenever" why does it sound SO WRONG

Stress's farms are so cute I'm gonna die

Stress getting ready to breed (the villagers. get your mind out the gutter.)

Ren was next on my list, but I'm out of time. I probably won't do this for the rest of the vids just on account of time scarcity T-T

[fics-n-stuff]

Affluenza | Pt2

Pairing: JJ × Kook!Reader

Summary: Y/N celebrates her birthday with a party that she didn't want to throw and finds out a sad truth about the boy that's not quite her boyfriend, but being in each other's company makes things at least a little better.

Warnings: Mentions of abuse and descriptions of injury, reference to drugs

Word Count: 3.5k

A/N: I'm so happy that so many people liked pt1!! It means the absolute world to me that people are reading and enjoying my work 🥰 Pt3 might take a little longer to get out, but I'll try to post it asap.

Taglist: @alotbnouf @fairypitou @305weasley @thecraziestcrayon @sofamochi @arvinrussellseggplant

Thanks for reading guys ❤

Pt1 here | Pt3 here

“Why didn’t you tell me it’s your birthday on Saturday!?” JJ exclaimed, letting go of your hand and sitting up from where you had both been lying on the deck of your boat.

“I didn’t think it was that big a deal.” You replied with a laugh. “I kinda just forgot to mention it.”

“But what if I wanted to buy you a present?”

“I don’t need a present from you JJ.” You smiled, reaching up to cup his cheek and pulling him down for a kiss.

The two of you had been dating for a couple of months now, and although you very much considered yourselves to be together neither of you had said the words ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’ yet. The time you spent together was private, you kept it a secret from everyone; you didn’t want your family to know and he was hesitant to tell his friends, exactly why you weren’t sure but you didn’t want to pry. It wasn’t as if you were sneaking around, you were just being careful.

“I have plenty things already, your company is enough.” You said, pulling away from the kiss and sitting up yourself. “But unfortunately I won’t be able to see you on my actual birthday. Mom’s making me throw a party and every teenager on Figure Eight will be there, so I doubt you’d want to come.”

“I wouldn’t be welcome even if I did want to.” JJ chuckled. You hummed in agreement.

“That’s why I wanted to celebrate today.” You chirped, getting up to retrieve a cooler that you had brought with you.

“What’s in there?”

“A special birthday picnic.”

“Oh, I see.” He grinned as you took your seat opposite him again. “And what does that consist of?”

“Well, let’s have a look.” You opened up the cooler and looked in at what you had packed with a smile. “Of course the standard picnic items; sandwiches, fruit, some baked sweets.” You listed as you took them out of the cooler. “And then, as I learned from my mother, a young lady cannot celebrate her birthday without a bottle of champagne.”

“Fancy.” JJ nodded, taking the bottle from you.

“Not as fancy as these.” You said, taking the glasses out. “Crystal champagne flutes. I snuck them out of the cabinet. We only use them for the most special of occasions and my mom loves them so we have to be careful.”

“I can be careful.” JJ poured the champagne, and you clinked your glasses with a smile. “Happy early birthday.”

“This is a much better celebration than my party will be.” You sighed, finishing your sip and setting your glass down. “I don’t understand why my mom insists that I have to have one, I’m not actually friends with anyone that’s coming.”

“But I thought you said every kid on Figure Eight was going? You’re not friends with anybody?”

“No, not really. They’re all just so fake, I can’t stand it. I genuinely don’t think that any of them are really friends with each other and they’re just constantly pretending, but I can’t be bothered to pretend.” You rolled your eyes and JJ laughed.

“Sounds exhausting.” He smiled.

“What are your friends like, J?” You asked, genuinely just curious. He told you a bit about them, stories of the crazy stuff they had done, but you never got in depth about it. You felt like it was probably because he wasn’t ready to integrate the two parts of his life.

“They’re good.” He nodded. “I mean, we’re basically family. They’re just not the biggest fans of Kooks.”

“Well, neither are you.” You giggled.

“You know what I mean. I think you’d like them, I’m just worried that they wouldn’t want to give you chance.”

“How much do you bet I could win them over just like I did you?”

“I wouldn’t love it if you won them over exactly the same way as me.” He smirked, gently taking hold of your chin and pulling you in for a kiss, which you both laughed into. “I'm gonna get you a birthday present. What if I come by on Saturday just for a minute to deliver it?”

“You know I’ll be happy to see you, but nobody else at the party will.”

“Eh, who cares.” He shrugged, and you grinned broadly.

“Okay, if you insist.” You conceded. “Now let’s eat this picnic that I so painstakingly curated.”

+ + +

Your birthday party was in full swing, the ground floor of your house teeming with teenagers. People were drinking, dancing and jumping in the pool and you weren’t enjoying any of it.

Your mother had gifted you a particularly ugly necklace that was basically just a tangle of gold chain, and Nicholas had openly bad mouthed your father for only getting you a few books, even though that’s what you had asked for. The detest that you felt for him was justified. Your dad was actually supposed to have arrived back on the island the day before, but it wasn’t unusual for him to get held up with work.

You pushed past a group of boys having some loud conversation on your way into the kitchen and poured yourself a strong drink. You threw the drink back in one gulp and slammed the plastic cup back down onto the countertop with a loud sigh.

“What’s wrong, birthday girl?” Topper asked over the music, his arm slung around Sarah’s shoulders as they came up beside you.

“I’m fine.” You shrugged.

“Did your dad get you a good present this year?” Sarah asked with a smile. “A new car maybe?”

“I already have a car.” You replied with a flat chuckle. “He got me some books that I asked for.”

“That’s kinda boring.” Topper commented. You rolled your eyes and Sarah smacked him in the side.

“I think that’s sweet. What kind if books?”

You told Sarah about the books you had gotten, actually kind if enjoying the conversation. Sarah was actually pretty easy to talk to, you felt like the fact that you weren’t putting on an act made her kind of drop hers, and it was a refreshing break from the way that the rest of the teens on Figure Eight were constantly pretending to be the perfect versions of themselves.

Your explanation of the premise of one of your books was interrupted when you felt your phone ringing in your pocket. You took it out and saw that it was your dad, and you smiled.

“I gotta take this.” You excused quickly before rushing outside to get away from the music. You answered the call excitedly, greeting your dad with a bright tone.

“Hey, Pumpkin, happy birthday!” He exclaimed. “I’m sorry I didn’t call this morning, I got caught up in meetings. You know how it is.”

“I know, dad. It’s okay, you’re calling now. Are you done with work? Do you think you’ll get here tonight?” You questioned eagerly. You heard him let out a sigh, and your smile fell.

“About that, sweetheart, I’ve had a few bumps in the road.” He began. You felt your heart sink and you were already scolding yourself for getting your hopes up before he could even tell you what the reason for missing your birthday was. “My meetings haven’t gone as well as I’d hoped and it looks like I’m going to be held up for a few more days.”

“Oh, right, okay.” You nodded, keeping your voice steady even as your eyes welled with tears. “Hope things get better then.”

“I’m sorry, Y/N, I really did want to be there. I promise I’ll make it up to you when I get back; we can have a movie marathon night, completely your pick.” You let out a chuckle despite yourself. He might not be around much but he still knew you well, and movie marathon nights were one of your favourite things to do with him.

“Sounds great, dad. I can’t wait.”

“I hope you’ve had a good day, at least. What have you been getting up to?”

“I’m having a party, actually.” You replied. You didn’t need to tell him that you didn’t want to have the party and weren’t actually really enjoying it.

“Right now? I’ll let you get back to it then.” Your dad smiled down the phone. “Have fun.”

“Thanks, dad.”

“Love you, Pumpkin.”

“Love you too.”

You said your goodbyes and ended the call, and you tucked your phone back into the pocket of your shorts. You just stood there for a few moments, the loud music and whooping of partying teenagers emanating from the house, before tears began to fall. You shook with a silent sob and had to take a seat on the concrete of your driveway.

You sat there, with your legs pulled up to your chest and your head in your knees, for a few minutes. You sniffed, wiping your tears away on the back of your hand, when you heard a shuffle of footsteps and looked up quickly.

“JJ.” You acknowledged quickly, furiously wiping at your eyes as he walked up the driveway.

“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” He asked, his voice edged with concern. You were ready to brush away his concerns, but as he got closer you saw the bruising on his face and suddenly you had some worries of your own.

“What happened to you?”

“I asked first.” JJ countered. You watched him as he came to sit down next to you, lifting your hand and softly placing it just below his purpled cheekbone, inspecting the fresh bruising around his eye and the split in his lip, then noticing the discolouration around his collarbone. He took the hand away gently, intertwining your fingers, and you saw that there was no bruising on his knuckles; these weren’t injuries earned in a fair fight. “Why are you crying?” He repeated.

“No, that doesn’t matter.” You shook your head. You weren’t trying to downplay your upset anymore, you just knew that whatever had happened to JJ was more important. “Who did this to you, JJ?”

“I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.” He smiled, but there was no joy or amusement behind it. You hesitated for a moment before conceding.

“My dad missed my birthday again.” You told him. “The last time he actually made it home for my actual birthday was when I turned eleven, and yet somehow I still get my hopes up every year. I hate this party, there are at least three different types of club drugs being taken in my house right now, I’m sad. You’re turn.”

JJ sighed. He looked down at your joined hands, pausing to think for a moment before looking back up at you. He let out a short breath of soft laughter, lifting his free hand and smoothing his thumb over the crease that had formed on your brow.

“Promise not to freak out?” He asked.

“Okay.” You replied shakily. You could try to limit your reaction at least. “But you have to tell me the truth, J.”

“My dad hits me.” JJ said quickly, and you felt your lips part in shock. “I stay with John B most of the time, I try to stay out of his way when I’m home, but it’s not like I can avoid him completely.”

“Wha- Why don’t you tell somebody?” You stuttered. “Call the police or protective services or-?”

“I don’t want to.” He interrupted. “I’m happy here with my friends and if I get protective services involved then they’ll ship me off to the mainland. I can deal with my dad.”

“This doesn’t look like dealing.” You muttered softly, pushing the collar of his t-shirt to the side to get a better look at the bruise that it was partially covering. “When is this from?”

“Yesterday. I went home to get some money so I could buy you this.” JJ shifted to reach into his pocket and pulled out a small, flat box. “It’s not much but it’s all I could afford.”

You took the box from him curiously, unlinking your hand from his so that you could pull off the lid. Inside was a small silver necklace, a thin chain with a small circular pendant. When you lifted it up you saw that the pendant had a map of the world etched into it. The necklace was simple and sweet, and you felt a big smile take over your face.

“You didn’t have to get me this, J.” You simpered.

“I told you I wanted to.” He smiled back. You handed the box back to him and turned to face away, and JJ eagerly fastened the chain around your neck. He struggled a little with the tiny clasp, making you giggle. His hands ran over your shoulders before he dropped them, and you turned back to him with the smile gone from your face.

“You went through that just so you could buy this for me?” You murmured. JJ's smile faltered but didn’t fall, and he nodded slightly.

“It’s not your fault, Y/N. It’s just what happens.”

You sat silently for a little while, but your peaceful moment was interrupted by a loud round of cheering from inside. You looked over your shoulder towards the house with a groan, but then lightened up when you got an idea.

“You wanna get away from this bullshit?” You asked, gesturing towards the party.

“You wanna leave your own birthday party?” He asked with a chuckle. You shrugged.

“Nobody will notice that I’m gone. I’ll just have to come back at, like, midnight to kick everybody out.”

“Okay, then let’s go.” JJ smiled.

“Alright. Give me one minute.” You giggled, getting up quickly. “Just wait here a sec.”

You ran back into the house and pushed past all of the people to the stairs, heading up to your bedroom. You had kept the door locked to keep out horny couples. You rooted through one of your drawers until you found a set of keys, switched out of your party sandals to a pair of converse, and grabbed your car key off of your vanity before heading back out, making sure to lock your door behind you again.

You paused on the stairs to scan the crowd until you spotted Sarah, and pushed past the bodies towards her.

“Y/N! Where’d you go?” She shouted over the music.

“Just outside. I’m gonna disappear from the party for the bit, can you call me if something major happens?” You asked. Sarah frowned.

“But this is your birthday party.”

“I know it’s weird, but I’ve got some other stuff going on right now and I just need to get away for a bit.”

“Okay, I guess that makes sense. I’ll call you if anything happens.” She nodded, though the confusion was still clear on her face.

“Thanks. I’ll see you later.” You smiled, before heading back out.

JJ was stood at the side of the driveway waiting for you when you came back out, slamming the front door shut after yourself. You grabbed his hand and pulled him after you to your car with a smile.

“Where are we going?” He questioned as you started the engine and began backing out.

“My other house.” You answered.

“Sorry, did you say ‘other house’?”

“My dad’s house. He hasn’t been home in eight months and I haven’t been there in about five, but a cleaner comes by every two weeks to maintain it.” You explained.

“Jesus you’re rich.” JJ mumbled. He had a teasing smile on his face but the comment made you feel a little guilty.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to show off or anything. We don’t have to go to my dad’s if you don't want-"

“Y/N, it’s fine.” He laughed. “You didn’t choose to be born into a rich family the same way I didn’t choose to be born into a poor one.”

“I know, I just don’t want to be... insensitive isn’t the right word. I just don’t want to seem like I take it for granted; I don’t want you think that I’m that kind of person.”

“I don’t.” He assured you. “You don’t treat me like I’m any different for being poor, so I don’t care that you’re rich.”

It wasn’t long until you were pulling into the driveway of your dad’s house. It was grand and expensive looking, but it was still smaller than your mom’s; she had kept the house after the divorce and since your dad wasn’t even home most of the time he’d decided that he didn’t need quote so much space.

The inside was modestly decorated, no elaborate sculptures or outlandish wall decorations like so many of the other houses on Figure Eight. The furniture was very nice, and the few paintings and things that were on the walls were expensive, but your father was a man of simple taste. He didn’t even have any fancy chandeliers.

“I expected something more opulent for the richest man in the Outer Banks.” JJ commented as he looked around.

“Since when was opulent a word in your vocabulary?” You questioned with a giggle. JJ gasped, and pinched you in the side with a frown.

“I’m not completely dumb.” He objected.

You laughed, grabbing his hand and dragging him after you into the living room. You flicked on the light before dropping yourself onto the sofa and pulling JJ down with you.

“What kind of movies do you like?” You asked him as you picked up the remote and switched on the TV.

“Uh, I don’t know, action and horror.” He shrugged.

“What kind of horror? Slasher? Psychological? Paranormal?”

“I don’t know.” He chuckled. You gave an exaggerated sigh, going into the horror section on Netflix.

“Fine, I guess I’ll pick.”

You ended up putting on The Blair Witch Project after discovering that JJ had never seen it, and the two of you settled down. You were thankful to be away from the crowded mess of your birthday party and just have a quiet night with JJ.

“But I don’t understand how they managed to make it scary, basically nothing happened.” JJ perplexed after the movie ended.

“Yeah, that’s why it’s genius.” You grinned up at him. Throughout the course of the film you had ended up lying across the sofa with your head resting on his lap. “All of the horror is in the fact that you know that something this out there but you never see it. Modern horror movies could never.”

“That’s crazy bro.” He said, making you laugh. He looked down at you with an amused smile and a sparkle in his eye that made your heart jump.

“Do you wanna stay here for the night?” You offered once your laughter subsided. “I’m sure my dad has some stuff in his closet that you can sleep in.”

“Are you sure? I mean, don’t you have to go home?”

“Nah, my mom and Nicholas are staying at a hotel tonight so that I can have my party so they won’t know that I’m not there.” You shrugged. “You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.”

“No, I’d like to stay.” He smiled. You let out a relieved breath that you didn’t realise you’d been holding.

“Cool. I need to go and kick everyone out of my house but we can watch another movie when I get back if you want?”

“Sounds good to me. Do you want me to come with you?”

“Probably best if you don’t, you know, with the whole ‘every Kook on the island is there’ thing.” JJ laughed lightly at that.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” He nodded. “Can I have a shower while you’re gone.”

“Sure.” You chuckled as you sat up. “You can use my en suite and I’ll get you something to change into.”

You took him upstairs, grabbing a t-shirt and a pair of gym shorts from one of your dad’s drawers before showing him into your room. It was plainly decorated like the rest of the house, but you had posters and photos tacked up and covering almost every inch of the walls.

“This is nice.” JJ smiled, looking around.

“Don’t go snooping around while I’m gone, a person’s bedroom is their kingdom.”

“I’ll mind my own business.” He agreed with a salute that made you grin.

“And make sure you dry off properly, I don’t want you dripping all over my nice carpet.”

“Jeeze, any more rules?”

“Uh, nope. I think that’s it.” You chirped. “I should be back in, like, half an hour. I’m pretty sure I left some chicken nuggets in the freezer last time I was here, you can have those if you get hungry. Or maybe I’ll get takeout on my way back?”

“Takeout sounds good.” JJ nodded, beaming, and pulled you in for a kiss before you left.

[xsamuu]

HEYYYYY!! I saw your ask box was open and I was wondering if I could request a headcanon? Where the reader is in a massive fight with a friend they haven't seen for like 3 years and the friend takes it too far by saying something like "That's your boyfriend? How gross" "Ew why does he look like that? Couldn't grab someone better? Ugly ho" or whatever you come with? Tendou, Bokuto, Kenma, Kags, Nishinoya please, if you will?

I screeched when I saw this omg thank you I hope this is up to your standards bebs 😼👍🏾 but uh I should say some did come out a little bit like scenarios but I tried to stick to headcanons sorry for that still hope you enjoy 🎃😼

~Admin Rizzo

Tendou Satori

-you was minding your own business walking through a park your hands intertwined with your lover when a ✨m u s t y✨ old friend you knew had decided to share there unwanted opinions

-Tendou could see how uncomfortable you was and wanted to remove you from the situation but as he went to walk around the obstacle you stopped dead in your tracks

-“That’s who your with oh my god that’s fucking gross, I guess you’ll hook up with anyone you thot”

-It’s safe to say that tendou had come up with thousands of insults by the time the slur left there mouth

-Who even was this person?— WAIT WHO THEY CALLING A THOT?!

-you wasn’t a very confrontational person but nevertheless you wasn’t about to let this person who wasn’t even in your day to day life anymore talk smack about your man

-you went to retaliate when a big arm swooped around your shoulder catching you off guard

-“Babe lets go I wanted to bring you to the park today not a circus” 🤡

-Needless to say your ‘friend’ was shocked and maybe a little intimidated

-You on the other hand had to summon all the strength in your body not to laugh in there face

-With his arm still wrapped around he moved you away from the situation the both of you quickly changing the subject to something more important

Bokuto Kōtarō

-Bokuto loves spoiling you

-your the love of his life and he will make sure you know this not only through his words but also his actions

-this however works both ways there isn’t something you wouldn’t do to show him how much you support and love him

-You was sitting in the crowd at one of his games it was a very important one winning this match would definitely get him recognized by some powerhouse teams

-every time he would score a point for his team he would look up at you and every time you would be there imitating his celebration “HEY HEY HEY THATS MY ACE” You felt only pride and absolute infatuation with this man

-you was cheering your heart out when you suddenly felt someone bump your shoulder (a little too hard to be an accident—)

-You swung your head around only to come face to face with an old friend from middle school they looked bitter asf and your conscience was telling you to just ignore them

-“Oh you have nothing to say to me now Huh? I see your at another one of these boring ass games I thought you didn’t have time for people?”

-It’s true at one point you did say that but you didn’t think you’d loose one of your closest friends because of it even so you continue to ignore them hoping they’d get the message and leave

-they didn’t.

-“So you and number 4 are together I’m assuming. I guess ugly attracts ugly”

-immediately you saw red but you couldn’t ruin this for bokuto important people were here. As if he could sense your distress he shot his eyes up to where you were in the stand

-He called a time out, and started running out the gym everyone was confused but when he reappeared in the stands you knew all to well that he had caught on

-“Babe I just noticed your supposed to be closer to the match your an important guest” he smiled you mouthed him a thank you and gathered your things walking a few rows closer to the front

-Thankfully Akaashi was there looking up at you distracting you. The owllike man glared at your old friend “I don’t know what you did to Y/N but you better leave before you have another problem”

-When you looked back your ex friend was nowhere to be seen you giggled as bokuto gave you a big kiss before returning to the court

Kozume Kenma

-Kenma isn’t a contentious person in fact he would much rather settle an issue in the most inconspicuous way possible

-Even so if he feels that him or his partner was disrespected in anyway he will not hesitate

-You and Kenma was at a gaming convention you had been planning since the beginning of February (it’s now late April)

-You had sat through the entrance ceremony and was walking around admiring all the stalls and you were both having so much fun

-Kenma had left you for a split second to get someone’s autograph it was the animator from a game he played religiously you didn’t mind you stayed put and was scrolling through your phone

-“Long time no see y/n” you lifted your head to the sound of your name being called and made perfect eye contact with an old ‘friend’

-If you were being completely honest you hated them all they did was make you feel like an inferior insect whenever you two were together you hummed a ‘yo’ before going back to your phone

-“Still a quiet freak eh LuLu I guess you here on your own or something”

-Lulu was the name of a magical girl from a cartoon you used to love but upon finding out people would use it to mock and degrade you

-you was gonna walk away the ridiculous nickname when you heard a familiar voice

-“no y/n is with me and you are?” It was a genuine question but anyone who didn’t know Kenma would take his pack of expression as bored or sarcastic

-The person scoffed and pointed accusingly at Kenma “That’s who your with LuLu you couldn't do any better HE’S JUST AS LIFELESS AS YOU ARE”

-You tugged on Kenma sleeve motioning to just leave as you felt uncomfortable but Kenma wasn’t having it you had been so excited to be here and with him and this nobody came out of nowhere and started harassing you

-“Listen um going to say this in a way you could understand— he smirked at you and then opened his mouth again

-What escaped his mouth next left you shocked, scared, a little embarrassed for him even but mostly touched

-he cleared his throat

-“lifeless. I’m not lifeless in fact I have a burning hatred for you right now. And that why I feel no guilt in what I’m about to do.”

-You gulped and held on tighter to kenma’s sleeve mentally preparing yourself for what he was about to do

-“YoU HaTe LuLu’S tRanSforMatiOn sOng?!” He practically shouted. Instantly a horde or gamers, writers, weebs and more bombarded the area shouting and screaming and causing a scene

- From all the commotion it’s sounded like your ‘friend’ was ok but some of the words leaving the mouths of the mob were kinda cruel

-you smirked and Kenma led you away

-You know he doesn’t like being the center of attention but he still protected you and for that you’d be sure to thank him for that

Kageyama Tobio

-Kags never really liked leaving you behind when he had to go to different countries

-without you it made him anxious and you would reassure him that you’d be fine and eagerly awaiting his return

-Including the return of his big, fat juicy—

Ahem heart 🙂

-You had been sitting in a café Face Timing him

-You’d often have dates like this and you both enjoyed them you was talking to him when someone took up a seat next to you

-“Hey Y/n funny running into you here” a familiar voice echoed

-A w k w a r d you hadn’t seen or heard from this person since a fight you had a couple years ago why now?

-You had nearly forgotten about your boyfriend on the other side of your iPad screen until “Oh you bought a friend y/n”

-you was at a loss for words but before you could answer the unwanted annoyance to your left answered for you

-‘We’re not friends y/n cut me off because she’s toxic” it took kageyama a solid 10 seconds to realize that this wasn’t a real friend and that you were silently asking for help

-You rested your head in hand obscuring the person from kags field of vision therefore blocking there vision of your face and boyfriend

-hoping they’d get the message without you having to vocalize it

-they stood up and you let out a breath you didn’t know you was holding

-“I wasn’t checking out your friend don’t worry he isn’t my type I prefer cute boys” they spat

-Before you could even assess the fact that they pretty much called your boyfriend ugly you was already pissed at the fact that they referred to kags as your friend

-you stood up abruptly and it’s like they were waiting for you to loose your cool all hope was lost when you heard him clear his throat

-“[there Instagram name] Damn you was easy to find. I liked you post”

-You felt a tinge of confusion race through you but watching all the blood in there body rush to your friends face made you curious

-“DELETE THAT RIGHT NOW” people were definitely looking in your direction

-“Leave then I will” Now you was curious what the help did he do?

-seconds, literal seconds. The annoyance was nowhere to be seen

-“Kags..wha—”

“I shared there IP address in the comments :p”

- “PFFT kAgS!”

Nishinoya Yū

-Noya made sure that you felt like the only person in the world before he asked you out, so when you started dating you didn’t think he could get any more protective over you

-You was sitting in the cinema with him both smiling and listening on to the movie

-He fidgets a lot in his seat but you dont mind you know he cant help it besides you find it cute he is just so full of energy

-“Babe imma go to the toilet be right back” he kissed your cheek and left

-you continue to watch the movie until you feel someone slither into the seat next to you and hearing the voice your your temples irks and your expression one of annoyance

-One of your ex friends for how many years ago had to be in the same theatre at the same time on the SAME FUCKING DAY

-they didn't seem like they were moving so you just spoke first

- “can i help you.?” 

-No response :/

-You were even more irritated than before

-Noya came back a few minutes later and noticed another person had sat right next to you 

-Noya is dense VERY VERY DENSE he assumed you ran into one of your friends so he didn't question it

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-After the movie finished you grabbed your things and rushed to get out of that situation

-The same person had finally said something after a whole hour

- “That’s who you came with.. You really know how to pick em an annoying toddler really Y/n your honestly pathetic--”

-It didn’t bother Noya he has been called short all his life this isn’t any different but this rando was obviously upsetting you and he would NOT have that

-Noya would step infront of you and confront the person they get a warning 

-one fucking warning 

-If they don’t take it i shit you not noya is going for the ankles periodt

- “I DONT KNOW WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE BUT YOUR UPSETTING MY PARTNER THE FUCKING DOOR IS BEHIND YOU SO TURN AROUND”

-Noya looked like the aggressor and its safe to say he may have caused a scene but he would be a fool not to step in and protect you with all you got

[stupid-stew]

two vent fics in as many days? me? nooooo.

the answer is actually yes. i am in crisis all of the time. here take a gender one because why the heck not it's 4:30 am and i have nothing to lose. luz, toady you are me. there is also a little bit of parent eda because what do you take me for? a fool? (Pronouns? AO3 link if that floats ur boat)

Luz Noceda had a lot of problems.

Sure, she was stuck in a hell dimension with no way home in sight, where her best chance of surviving was reliant on her having magic, of which she had none, and was separated from her mom, and was currently blaming herself for her surrogate mom having lost her magic, but that wasn’t the point right now.

Right now, Luz was focused on herself. That’s usually how these nights ended up, with her so lost in thought that she circled back to the root of the problem, she didn’t know who she was.

That wasn’t entirely true, she was Luz Noceda, average teen, lover of Azura, daughter of Camila, professional witch in training, student at Hexside School of Magic and Demonics, foe to an unlucky few, friend to most, the girl who had managed to outsmart the emperor and get herself stuck so far from home she might as well just give up now. Luz knew what she was, she was what other people knew her for, but who was she? Anyone’s guess, suggestions much appreciated.

She had grown up in an environment that exposed her to many different people, the internet. Yeah, maybe she had seen a lot of stuff way before she should have, but she also had the whole world at her fingertips, many types of people and experiences just on the other side of her screen, and it had led to some amazing things. Her mom had also been a big help, allowing Luz to question and experiment any which way she pleased, as long as she was happy and safe. That had helped Luz figure out who she liked, she was comfortable telling her mom she liked girls confidently at the ripe age of 10, Camila had of course been nothing but accepting.

That was easy enough, right? She knew exactly what she was, who she liked, hell she could figure out most people just by looking at them, so why couldn’t she figure out herself?

And that was where Luz was at, laying on the floor in her makeshift bedroom in the owl house, once again wondering what in the hell was a gender.

Luz was no stranger to this internal battle, it sort of came with the whole territory of figuring out your sexuality, but for the life of her she didn’t even know where to start.

Ok, she thought to herself, let’s start from the top. I don’t know where the top is. What is the easiest way to go about this. Most people start with pronouns, maybe that’s a good place to start? Luz let out a groan, this was going nowhere. Back on track. she/her. Simple enough, good solid pronouns. That’s what most people have called me forever. I'm comfortable with it, other people are comfortable with it, no, what other people think doesn’t matter, this is about me. Focus, Luz. Ok, she/her, fine. Though not always, doesn’t always feel right, how can words feel right or wrong that doesn’t even make sense. Whatever, most of the time she/her equals a girl.

Luz shivered at that, girl, the word had never felt right to her, something about it was gross in her mind. She had always hated being referred to as girl or daughter, but never had the guts to speak up about it in the moment. Luz chuckled to herself, and look where we are now. she/her moved to the maybe pile for now.

Next on the list was he/him. Luz smiled at that. Being a somewhat androgynous child for most of her life with short hair, being called her mother’s son at the grocery store was a fairly common occurrence. She recalled one time she was out with a couple of friends and some sweet old lady had said to them “you ladies have a nice day.” and then looked at Luz and added “oh, my bad, and gentleman.” Luz had to leave the store at that, her friends had assumed she was upset that the lady had called her a gentleman, but that wasn’t the case. She was more upset about having been singled out than anything, in fact she hadn’t at all minded being called a gentleman. It didn’t feel completely right, but it didn’t feel completely wrong either.

Ok, so pronouns, this is Luz, he is my apprentice. Eh, feels about the same as she. That’s so lame I was hoping there would be some sort of difference. The only discomfort is that i’m used to she, god my head hurts just thinking about this. Luz rolled over to her other side and covered her head with her sleeping bag. How can I feel literally the same about the two, I haven’t even left the binary, there’s only two options, one should be right, the other should be wrong. This is the same idea as answering an either or question and both options are the same but both are neither right nor wrong. It doesn’t even make sense. If the binary isn’t going to give me my answers then I need to step it up.

They/Them was dangerous territory for Luz and she knew it. This wasn’t her first time around the block, she knew that she loved they/them pronouns for herself. “This is Luz, they’re my apprentice.” God it just felt so right. She could never figure out why, much less bring herself to even try, which was probably how she kept landing herself in this situation. Laying up at night, staring at the ceiling, running pronouns, of all things, through her head over and over. It probably would have been easier if she had someone to tell her how gender was supposed to feel. What it was supposed to identify, what it was supposed to offer for her identity, but alas. It had been easier with her sexuality, she knew from the moment someone had told her that liking girls was even an option that was who she was. She was confident in that, it was simple enough. So why was this still so hard?

Luz took her head out from under her sleeping bag and rubbed the heel of her palms over her eyes. I know I like they/them pronouns, they’re my favorite, they feel so correct, huh go figure I finally got my answer, words can feel right. Still not sure how… anyways, what the hell do I do about it? Ask people to just change the way they refer to me? That’s absurd. Luz knew it wasn’t absurd. Not in the slightest. She knew she had done it for plenty of people before, people she had known for years. It wasn’t hard, it was actually pretty easy and she was glad to switch around how she referred to them no matter how many times they asked. So why can’t I just do the same. Most people see me as a boy or a girl, it’s fine, it’s ok, well at the very least I can deal with it. What are they supposed to do? Just not?

Luz sprawled out on her back and shut her eyes as tight as she could. She knew she had met plenty of people who were non binary, and somehow she had been able to erase the idea of them being either a boy or a girl out of her head almost completely. It’s just how it had worked, was it because she didn’t really see herself in that way either? Maybe I’m just making it up. Maybe it’s all in my head and I’m stopping myself from causing a lot of problems, what if I’m wrong, what if I make a mistake and have to ask people to change around again? I barely figured out what pronouns I prefer, ok well I’ve known for a while, but I still don’t have a label. Non binary? Maybe? I wish I knew what gender was supposed to feel like. She placed her hands behind her head and sighed. If you asked me what gender felt like to me I either wouldn’t have an answer and would start crying or would just scream shrilly at you for a few minutes. Pronouns don’t equal gender but what are either of those. If I use they/them pronouns do I have to identify as non binary? I don’t even like labeling my sexuality and I know what that is. God, I haven’t even scratched the surface of how I present mysel-

Her thoughts were muted by a knock at her door.

“Luz I know you’re awake.”

It was Eda, of course it was. Who else would be awake at this hour and hear her singular sigh from the hallway?

Luz pushed herself up from off the ground and slowly opened the door.

“Can’t sleep?” Eda asked.

Luz just shook her head. She didn’t have the energy for words at the moment.

Eda sighed and stretched out her arm to reach behind her head and pull out a clock from her hair. “Me neither, looks like it’s too late for either of us to be awake. Want some tea?”

Luz nodded and followed Eda down the creaky stairs and to the kitchen. Eda immediately found a kettle and started filling it with water to boil while Luz took a seat at the counter. They sat with just the sound of the running tap for a few uncomfortable seconds before Eda asked the question Luz had been dreading.

“What’s keeping you up?”

Shoot. Can I talk to her about this? It’s Eda, she doesn’t care, does she? Nobody here seems to mind anything, cool non binary witches. That’s so rad. I don’t want to bother her, what if she doesn’t understand, so I have the energy to explain? How would I even go about dropping this if it goes south?

“Hellooooo? Isles to Luz?”

She was snapped out of her thoughts by Eda waving her hands in her face, she looked… worried? Oh, I haven’t answered her question.

“Hm? Oh, it’s nothing.”

Eda didn’t believe her for a minute.

“It doesn’t seem like nothing.”

Luz just sort of turned her head away and shrugged. Eda knew she couldn’t pry it out of the kid. Instead, she just decided to finish making the tea. The two of them sat in silence while the tea bags steeped, which gave Luz a moment back to herself to question her next move.

Eda handed Luz the steaming mug. “You can talk about it if you want. I’ll listen.”

“I don’t know how to do this.”

Eda grinned. They were getting somewhere, whatever was keeping the kid awake this late at night was reaching the surface.

“Just go for it, what’s the worst that could happen?”

Sooo many things Eda.

Luz decided to just start out simple. “Do you know what pronouns are?”

Eda nodded. Ok, good.

“Ok, what are your pronouns?”

Eda was taken aback by this a little, nobody had asked her that in years. What was the kid dealing with? “Well, I use she/her pronouns, but I’ve never really felt attached to any of them, so whatever works just works I guess. Same for King, I don’t really think he cares much as long as you’re referring to him as royalty.” Eda snorted with laughter.

Luz was kind of in shock. Does she feel the same way I do? How did she pick? “How did you know?” the words just kind of fell out of her mouth in a mess.

“Know what?”

Eda looked at her with confusion.

“What pronouns you use?”

“I don’t know, here nobody really cared that much, why should I?”

Then Eda remembered.

“Ooooh yeah you humans use them for that whole gender identity thing. We kind of have that here but it’s not as big of a deal, you guys have all those labels, yeah?”

Luz swallowed deeply and nodded.

“Is that what’s keeping you up?”

Another nod.

“Do you wanna talk at me? I know you do better with your words than your mind, I can do the dishes while you talk if you don’t want my focus.”

Luz was now completely dumbfounded. In the last two minutes, Eda had told her that not only was gender a human thing, but that she was willing to let Luz process it the way that she needed, how had she known? Wait…. Just how similar are Eda and I? Luz couldn’t help but wonder.

Luz nodded and Eda got up without a word and headed straight for the sink.

“I don’t know. Back in the human world, people have a lot of words that they use to describe their genders. I don’t understand any of them, I know their definitions, but I don’t know how to relate to them.”

Luz paused and Eda gave her a gentle hum of interest as a signal to continue.

“They’ve just never made sense to me, I don’t know why and I don’t know how but it’s incredibly frustrating. I gave up on trying to get it and moved on to the things that I do get, which is limited to pronouns. You’ve got the binary pronouns like she and he, usually those fit the words girl and boy, not always, sometimes people use more than one set of pronouns, but the thing is I can’t pick. They feel the exact same to me. There are other ones, the most common being they/them, and I really like those, Eda I really really like them.”

Eda smiled at her, glad to see Luz’s face lighting up.

“But I don’t know. I don’t know if I should use one set, multiple. It’s really bothering that so many people back home understand, they just seem so sure of themselves, they know who they are, they know that they’re a boy or a girl or neither or even both, there’s even more genders to be a combination of, but I can’t. I think there has to be something wrong with me because I know it shouldn’t be this hard but it is, it’s always on my mind, and I can’t stop it or make it make sense. I haven’t even begun to entertain the idea of asking people to change the pronouns they use for me because I can’t tell myself what label even goes with what, and I feel stupid.”

Eda stopped what she was doing.

“You aren’t stupd Luz.”

“How can you say that when I don’t even know who I am, I can’t even figure out what words I want people to use when they refer to me.” Luz sounded exhausted.

Eda turned around and looked her in the face, dead serious. “You aren’t stupid, you just don’t know who you are,” she dried her hands on a towel and sat down across from Luz. “and that’s ok. I know it’s maddening not knowing, but you’re allowed to feel that way, if you don’t have all the answers, what’s gonna happen? Are you gonna die?”

Luz rolled her eyes “sometimes it really does feel like it.”

Eda stood up. “Well we can’t have that, no dead apprentices. You seem to have been thinking about this for a long time, you just need a little bit of a push. Pick some new pronouns.”

Luz stared at her, “what?”

“You can’t figure out how the feeling works, or if there even is one, that’s ok. But, you know that there are some words that fit better than others. You might not be able to tell me why, but you know what they are. What are they?”

Luz didn’t know what to do, she hadn’t prepared herself for this. She was ready for Eda not knowing what was going on, not this. She’s right, time to rip off the bandaid.

“I don’t know…”

“Yes you do.”

There really is no getting out of this one.

“I don’t know, I guess they/them feels ok? Better than the others?”

“And so it shall be.” Eda stated matter-of-factly.

Luz shifted uncomfortably in her seat, “but I don’t know, I’m really used to she/her, they don’t fit quite right but they’ve never really felt wrong enough to get rid of completely.”

Eda shrugged, “you don’t have to. You can use both if you want.”

Luz wasn’t sure, she knew Eda was right, but she couldn’t help but recall the time someone had told her that adding they/them to your pronouns was performative and accomplished nothing. Screw them.

“Ok.” It was simple, but it’s all she had.

“Anything else I should know?”

Luz took a deep breath, she was in this far, might as well keep it up.

“It really bothers me when I get referred to as a girl, I know that I don’t know what labels go where, but I know that one is wrong.”

“Good to know.”

This was going way better than Luz expected, but now all her thoughts were out and she had a little bit of a resolution, she was finally starting to feel how late it was. She yawned, “I think I’m done for the night.”

Eda put on a mock offended look, “But you didn’t even touch your tea? I worked so hard on that for you!”

Luz gave her a weak smile. “It was never about the tea, was it, you just wanted me to talk.”

Eda reached out and ruffled Luz’s hair, “It worked, huh?”

“Yeah I guess it did.”

“Good.”

They emptied their cups into the now pristine sink and went back up the stairs.

“Thanks Eda.”

“Don’t mention it.”

[sideblog-666-thousand]

Samoth and Tyr (ex-Borknagar) Interview, 1999. Ft. Samoth being a massive cunt. Part One.

Originally, I was going to post a much more interesting ‘view of Emperor, but due to the nature of it, and Tumblr’s 250 blocks of text per post cap, I ended up doing this. Hilariously enough, this one ALSO exceeds the max so I’ll have to put it in two parts as well. At least this one is more easily managed, due to the lack of rambling answers.

The last two —and the mythical ‘view that never was— were all in writing, before being scanned, and then eventually typed up by yours truly. This one was actually posted onto the internet back in... I think the early 00s? I found it in class one afternoon, back when I was a high-schooler. It says on the bottom that it was written in 1999 but that might not be the posting date. It’s old though.

So, in other words, I just copy-pasted this mysterious interview onto here with some minor alterations to the format. Full credit goes to the original poster, who I’ll link— they made my job very easy.

To answer the question of “Ft. Samoth being a massive cunt”, I mean... I named all of my interview posts something sarcastic thus far. Of course, going out and calling somebody a ‘massive cunt’ is a little bit harsh, but.... Just read the interview, ok? It’s all tongue in cheek.

I’d also like to suggest a drinking game to pair with this ‘view... Every time Samoth says something a little bit TOO honest, I want you to take a shot of hard liquor. Afterwards, if you do this for whatever reason, I want you to tell me how drunk you got.

As always, any possible commentary is in (parenthesis) and bold. Asterisks below and optional, most of the time they’re just some added context that’s too long to put in the actual text.

Note: The next two interviews posted will be Emperor-related as well. I might post the other interview later tonight, but I’m not sure. The interview after that will be a very short one of Faust, where he rages about how he’s going to enact his revenge on Varg because I think it’s entertaining (but is it particularly insightful though....?). After that, it’ll be back to your regularly scheduled Mayhem programming.

Without further ado:

At the beginning of April 1999, Morbid Angel headlined various "No Mercy Festival" tour gigs throughout Europe, supported by, among others, Emperor, The Crown, Impaled Nazarene and Limbonic Art. After interviewing Morbid Angel and Limbonic Art, there was an opportunity to sit down for a while with Emperor members Samoth and [new bassist] Tyr. We talked with them about a wide variety of things - the Norwegian black metal scene, the early days of Emperor, the church burnings, Noctural Art Productions, a lot of things...

I: About the latest album, "Equilibrium IX"; people already said about the previous album there were a lot of eighties' metal influences on the album and I think it's especially true for the new album - do you agree?

S: Yeah, well, I don't think there is any direct influence, but of course we're all into the eighties' metal, so... Several people say that they can hear Morbid Angel-things and Mercyful Fate stuff in it... and so.

I: About the production - you changed production studios and it had a big influence on the sound... So why did you want to change the sound?

S: Well, we felt like that Grieghallen didn't really have much to offer anymore for us and we weren't that satisfied with the production of the previous album, so we decided to try a new studio and also work more creatively in the studio with the sound. I think the latest releases from Grieghallen weren't that good... I mean they do have some real classics like "De Mysteriis...", "In the Nightside Eclipse" and the Burzum albums, and stuff like that....It's not so much that we want to get rid of the 'standard black metal'-label, but because we want to try a new sound and also, we wanted to use a local studio, because we had booked three months in the studio - it's a small inconvenience if you just can't go home after a day of recording.

I: The bass player, Alver, he left - why was that?

S: Well, eh... I guess we demanded more from him than he could give us... He was also very busy with his job and he couldn't rehearse as often as we wanted him to, so.... he decided... I mean, he would have to really rehearse a lot more to get up to the standard for the new album.. so there are no hard feelings or anything - it was a mutual agreement that it's best that he would leave.

I: So now we have a new bass player*... Introduce yourself and have you been in any previous bands?

T: My name is Tyr - that's the Norse God. In my project band I also use this name - it's my artist's name. I've only played in amateur bands and stuff like that.

I: So, you were friends or anything?

T: No, just eh... there is a Norwegian magazine called "Scream magazine", have you ever heard of it? [Yes - ed]

S: It's the biggest metal magazine in Norway.

T: ...and they had placed an ad. So I auditioned; we played a couple of songs and I got the job, on the spot, so.

I: So how do you like it to play in metal legends Emperor?

T: I love it, yeah!! I come from a different scene, you know... This is the first black metal I have ever played. I am used to playing more progressive stuff - things like Dream Theater and stuff like that. But I must say there are progressive parts in the Emperor material as well... Actually I would like to say, that I am on a Fates Warning tribute album, it's coming out on a label called Planet Circus, a newly started American label - with my project band Morpheus Web and we're playing "The Sorceror" on this one. I think it should be released around May or June [1999].

I: Is there a huge progressive scene? I believe August (former guitarist of Arcturus, member of Tritonis) plays in a progressive band as well?

T: Yeah, Tritonis...They're a really good band.

S: We've played with them as well a couple of times.

T: There are so many good bands...

I: About the record company: Candlelight. I was thinking, you have a very succesful label yourself, why not put Emperor on Nocturnal Art Productions?

S: Well, for starters, we were committed to Candlelight Records, by conference... After "Anthems...", we wanted to change label.. and we were actually trying to get out for a while, but then things really changed with Candlelight - they kicked out the old label manager plus they get both fifty percent of the label and for the new album all has been going pretty well. I don't think we're actually going to stay with them in the long run*, but we're going to do at least one more album for them... because they treat us pretty good and we get good royalty rates and they have done a really good job for the new album. So things really progressed. We have been with Candlelight for so many years now, so we know the guys really well and they treat us... - we are their first priority, so it's cool. But we have got offers from bigger labels like Nuclear Blast and Century Media as well - we are discussing with these labels as well, but we'll see for the future.

I: Don't you think that if you sign to Nuclear Blast you will be 'just another black metal band' on the label?

S: No I think that if they would sign us, they would give us pretty good priorities.

I: ...and Dimmu would just have to step aside...

S: Naah, I think they would still have pretty good priority, I mean they're doing really good as well, so.

I: OK, well how is your label Nocturnal Art going?

S: Yeah, well it's going in the right direction, it's still a small label, but I mean I'm working on it, like, full time and it... everything has been going really well for Limbonic Art for example, so we have signed them for two more albums - it's going to bring the label up to another level. I'm working on it all the time, the label and the band; we rehearse three times a week and I have a lot of work to do for the label - it's getting pretty hectic as the band is getting bigger and the label is getting bigger as well... so I'm looking for somebody to work for me more...

I: Will Choronzon release another record on...

S: I don't think so, I mean, I really like the guy.. he's a really cool guy and he has some cool ideas, but I mean it's impossible to sell this... I mean nobody buys it - it's too weird so people don't understand it.

I: There was some old Thorns material which was released on Moonfog... I think originally it was supposed to be released on Nocturnal Art...

S: You're referring to the Thorns vs Emperor split... we'll we did a cover of Thorns and Thorns did a cover of Emperor and some other more weirder stuff. Yeah, well, I was talking with this Krupp [formerly known as Blackthorne, who was accomplice to the murder on Euronymous - he rang the doorbell, so Varg Vikernes could get in - ed] as he calls himself about doing it through NAP, but he later decided to sign to Moonfog, so...

I: So you had your first producing experience, I believe... How did that work out and can we expect more of you in this field?

S: Yeah, I was in the studio with Mactätus. I wasn't really the complete producer, it was recorded in the same studios as the new Emperor album, so it was the engineer who really did the producing, but I came in the room during the mixing process just as an objective ear to the sound. They we're satisfied...I don't think that I can do a full producer job by myself. I can like... - I've heard so much of this genre, so I know what's good and what's bad and what can be improved and stuff like that... I don't think I am the right person to do it really. I mean I don't have any technical background.

I: Faust, when he get's out of prison, will he go back into Emperor?

S: No, I don't think so, because Trym has been with us like for so many years and he's an important part of the band and I don't think it is fair to just check him out. It works really well with Trym... but maybe we'll do something else with Faust, I don't know... I don't think Faust thinks too much about it himself; he still has three years before he's out. I think he's being paroled at the end of 2002.... so, not that bad.. he's doing pretty good... He has hardly played drums for years, but he had a few leaves and he came up to see us and we were jamming a bit... And he still has it in his body, he just needs some time to get it back in...

I: ... maybe a sequel to Zyklon B...?

S: Maybe....time will tell.

I: About Emperor. What is more important - the music or the philosopical side, the ideas behind the lyrics, that sort of thing?

S: I would say the music.... but with Emperor it's important to have all the talents, you have the whole thing - you have the covers and the lyrics and the music and the whole thing has to be like one artistic expression. But music is the main thing.

I: The word 'Emperor' seems to be more than just the band name - the word comes up in the lyrics every so often...'I am the Emperor..' that sort of thing...

S: Especially in the older lyrics. It symbolizes several things...It can symbolize like eh...the Devil, I guess and it also symbolizes a mighty power ...the whole sound of Emperor is a mighty sound. It's like a matter of interpretation...I think the Emperor lyrics are like - there's a lot up to the listeners to make up their own imaginary world. We don't have a direct thing, like it's like this.

I: What does it mean to you? What does Emperor stand for to you?

S: I would say it means might, something mighty.

I: Do you know anything about the philosophies of the guys from Morbid Angel and what do you think about it?

S: I don't know to much, I think they've changed a bit since David Vincent left. So it's more back to the basic Cthulhu mythology and I don't know to much about that, but it's kind of interesting. He has some quite good ideas, this Azagthoth.

I: Do you prefer the period when David Vincent was still there?

S: Well, I very much like them now - I liked their last album*, but I think they were even better live than on CD. But I mean they are an excellent band.

I: Did you have any contact at all with the Morbid Angel guys? I mean they were really looking forward to being on tour with you...so I thought over a few beers...

S: We didn't party or anything, but we see them every day, so.. They're cool guys who treat us OK - they don't behave like rock stars or anything.

I: Do you listen to any recent black metal stuff yourself, or is it just the old classics?

S: Well, acually I think the new Dimmu Borgir is pretty good. Through my mail order I get almost every new black metal thing so I use to put them on and hear one song out, but there aren't that many albums that touch my feelings. I really like the old stuff like Tormentor as well, but I listen to a lot of different stuff, really, so it's not only black metal. I listen everything from techno and trance to black metal, electronic, ambient and stuff like that to eighties metal, death metal...

I: Do you have a lot of friends in black metal scene?

S: Well, a lot of contacts, but I don't hang out that much... First I live a bit far from the town and I am usually pretty busy with what I am doing, so... But I know all the bands, in Norway, more or less...

I: You decided not to wear corpsepaint because it became a trend, is that true?

S: We just felt like doing our own thing and it wasn't really because it became a trend, but just because we don't want to be like everybody else. When we first started out, we were pretty much like a standard black metal band, but these days, we are... not a standard black metal band so we don't wanna appear to be like just a typical black metal band. But I mean we still use some paint live and stuff and it's still important to have a 'performing image', but the average corpse paint is not so suitable. We just have white faces and look a bit pale.. It's just a show element.

I: Cradle of Filth have expressed their respect for you in the press, more than once and you've toured together a long time ago - are you in touch with those guys and what do you think about them?

S: I've met them a few times and we get along fine, so I mean I don't have any problems with them at all. I think they're, especially Dani of Filth, he's like a media bug, he's always in the media, whatever there is - but that's their thing.

I: Lots of black metal fans say: Oh, CoF - everybody is listening to that so that's..

S: It's very much a black metal thing. I mean bands like Cradle of Filth and Dimmu Borgir are being hated a lot, but actually those bands are professional bands with their own decisions and a lot of people say it just to put them on and that's just crap.

I: Do you think they' re making certain consessions towards their music, doing what the people expect of them...

S: I think they do what they want to do. So I don't think they've just changed their music to become more popular. I mean just listen to the new Dimmu Borgir - I mean a lot of people complain that Dimmu Borgir should sound like their first album, while their first album was really soft and really crap, while their new album is much more brutal. And Cradle of Filth as well, they haven't become any softer either.

I: What do you think is the destinction between confidence and arrogance?

S: [A long silence] You must have confidence in what you do, but I mean eh*...

T:...just don't let it go to your head and stuff like that. I think you can actually spot the difference when people just turn arrogant. I think I myself not being arrogant.

S: I think to a certain extent that some arrogance is also... I mean if you have made something of value in a way you have earned yourself to be, to have a certain like a certain arrogance, maybe, I don't know...

I: To put it a little more in a context: you made a few remarks during interviews that you thinkt the large part of the black metal scene is totally crap. There might be a lot of people around who think that's an arrogant remark.

S: Yeah, probably, but I mean if it's so, then I am arrogant towards some people, but I think a lot of people are crap, not only in the black metal scene and if that makes me arrogant to them, OK, then I am arrogant. But I don't really look on myself as being a complete arrogant person, really.

T: This is obviously a matter of a personal opinion. Everybody has a different taste, so... Of course, those are strong words, but - for a part it's wrong and for a part it's true. The musical aspects and their music is probably not as good as other bands, like Emperor I think.

That’s all for part one! :)

Asterisks in order of their appearances:

*Tyr was only in the band briefly, and didn’t appear on any studio album. He can be heard on “Imperial Live Ceremony”, released in 2000.

*They did, in fact, stay with Candlelight. With the exception of a few, almost every Emperor release to date has been done through Candlelight.

*The album he’s referring to is “Forumlas Fatal to the Flesh”, released in 1998. That said, I’m a big fan of Morbid Angel, and want to get around to translating one of the French interviews...

*When I tell you that I fucking ugly-laughed....

Here is the link to where I got this from: https://www.karsmakers.nl/metal-e-zine/emperor.htm

[soheila-1996]

Wake up, Rookie- Part five (final chapter)

Paring: Ethan x F!MC

Word count: 3,492 

Warnings: major character death 😭 

A/N: I’m posting an alternative ending tomorrow!

Catch up here

Tags:  @dulceghernandez​   @rookie-ramsey​ @choicesandanimeruleme​ @aylamwrites​ @ethansmommyissues @schnitzelbutterfingers @therookie​ @lilyvalentine​ @sitihania @cordoniaqueensworld​ @eramsey28​ @lucy-268​ @swimmingauthordreamerbonk​​ @utterlyinevitable​​

Any feedback is always super appreciated! :) All characters belong to Pixelberry

(Ethan’s POV) 

We’re now nearly two weeks into this nightmare and nothing has changed. I’m back at work, somewhat. I can hardly concentrate when I’m away from her and not sleeping isn’t helping either. All I’ve been doing is going to my office and looking over some notes and doing paperwork- it’s a distraction. The problem is it doesn’t actually distract me. My thoughts, my heart is on a completely different floor and It’s all I can think about. There’s no distracting myself from this. Even when I’m sometimes able to get some sleep, seeing her in that bed, in that state always plagues my dreams. Every day is like another painful blow when nothing happens. When she makes no progress and therefore gives no indication that she’s recovering from this. 

I drop the pen in my hand back down onto the desk. I can’t sit here and pretend that everything is okay when it really isn’t. This place once felt like my home in a way. My work, this place meant the world to me and now I can’t stand the sight of it. I hate being here but when I go home, not that I’ve been back to the house much, I’m surrounded by even more things that remind me of Casey. Remind me of that night. I’ve made a fair few mistakes in my time but letting her walk out will always be the thing I regret the most. This whole, heartbreaking ordeal is making me slowly lose my sanity. I like solving problems, I like fixing things and I just can’t fix this. There is nothing I can do to fix this. 

I stand up from my desk after placing all the papers into a neat pile then leave my office. There’s no point being in here since I’m seemingly incapable of thinking about anything else. Naveen has said I could take as much time as I need off of work. I thought that helping someone else would distract me but It doesn’t. It just reminds me of the one person I want to help more than anything but I can’t. I lock my office door as I leave and make my way to the nearest elevator. 

When I reach Casey’s room Abigail is just walking out. We quickly exchange pleasantries and she tells me she’s heading outside to get some fresh air and to meet Anthony.  Her dad hasn’t really been here all the much, I understand though, It’s hard seeing someone you love like this. 

Just as I sit down, someone knocks on the door and Harper peeks her head in. The look on her face makes me immediately start to panic. I can read that woman like a book and sometimes is wrong. 

“We need to talk.” 

***

I’m surprised to see Abigail and Anthony already sitting around the table in the board room Harper has just brought me to.  “Take a seat,” Harper says, gesturing to the vacated seats that stood around the large oval table. 

Somethings wrong. Something feels off, I conclude as I sit beside Abigail. Harper sits opposite us all. This is bad- I can feel it. I’ve had that same look on my face when I’ve told people that their loved ones aren’t going to recover. 

Harper reverts her gaze from us and looks down at, what I presume are Casey’s notes, in front of her.  “There’s no easy way to tell you this,” She begins. “As you know Casey suffered a severe head injury-” 

“Can you just say whatever it is?” I interrupt, “Just- just stop beating around the bush, Harper. Just say it.” 

“Casey’s brain dead,” She blurts out with no preamble. That’s what I wanted and asked for after all. How am I supposed to react to this? I don’t know. I- She can’t be. No…

I turn to look at Abigail and Anthony- they don’t seem that surprised which confuses me to  say the least. “W-When-?” I stutter and turn back to harper, “When did you-? Why-?” 

“Abigail asked me my opinion on whether Casey would recover or not. I gave my opinion, we ran tests-” 

“When?” I interrupt. 

“Last week,” she explained. 

“How long have you known this, Harper? When did you start looking into this, start running tests? What tests have you run? And why the fuck did nobody tell me?!”  

“Ethan-” Harper starts but is promptly cut off by Abigail. She turns to me and takes my hand. 

“We- I wanted to make sure of everything before we told you, Ethan. It was my decision so blame me and not Harper” 

I just can’t deal with this right now. I- I just can’t. I can feel myself starting to panic. I pull my hand out of Abigail’s grip and get up to my feet, tipping the chair over in the process. 

“Ethan, come back!” Harper calls after me as I storm out of the board room and back towards Casey’s room. This isn’t real. 

So much for the ‘don’t give up on her just yet’ speech Harper gave me the other day. 

No, this-this can’t be happening. I refuse to believe this is really happening. This is just some sick joke, right? A nightmare. This isn’t real. 

“Ethan stop.” Harper manages to catch up to me and grabs my arm to pull me back. “Just stop.” 

I stop trying to get away from her and turn to face her. I can feel the tiny tear droplets falling down my cheeks. “Ethan…” 

“Please, please tell me you’ve made a mistake. Please, Harper,” I beg her but the look on her face is telling me that no mistake was made and I lose it. I open the floodgates and I don’t think that I’m ever going to be able to close them again. Not without her. 

“I’m sorry, Ethan.”  

I stifled and wipe my eyes. “When are you going to do it?” I ask, referring to turning off life support. I know that’s what is  coming next. I can’t do this.  I can’t. We’re supposed to spend the rest of our lives together. I want to marry her, I want to have kids with her one day….I want to spend the rest of my days with her by my side, loving her and making more memories together. I want...no I need her. I need Casey. 

Harper places a hand on my shoulder, “That’s down to you and her parents. No one is going to rush you to do this, okay?” I nod in response. “Would you like me to tell her friends?” 

“No, I should do it,” I insisted, “It should come from me.” 

***  It’s now a couple of hours later and I have in no way shape or form, accepted this. I will never ever be able to come to terms with this. This is...this isn’t fair for anyone. Casey isn’t even thirty yet. She’s only two months off her birthday. She is incredibly young and she’s essentially lost her life because of a stupid argument, a stupid accident. If that guy wasn’t in custody...I’m not sure what I would do.  I want to kill him.  

Harper showed me the tests results for everything. Both of her pupils are unreactive to light, she’s unresponsive to any sort of stimuli, cold water has been inserted in each ear, which would normally provoke a reaction, but nothing happened, they turned the ventilator off and she couldn’t breathe on her own. A whole plethora of tests have been preformed and the reaction, or rather the lack of a reaction, all points to being... brain dead. 

What really fucking bothers me is A: nobody told me, B: Everyone let me think that there was a possibility that everything was going to be fine. They all allowed me to sit beside my brain dead girlfriend and make plans for the future. C: Keeping her alive- as much as I don’t want to say that in all technicality she’s dead. Is it not cruel to keep someone alive for the sake of it? She’s not going to recover from this. She’s not going to be able to be a mom one day like she’s always wanted. She’s never going to get to do all things she’s always wanted to do. Keeping her alive is cruel when there’s no possibility of her recovering. 

Anthony, Abigail, and I talked things over. I still don’t understand why they thought not telling me was the right thing to do but we all agreed that keeping her here for the sake of it is cruel and she doesn’t deserve that. She doesn’t deserve any of this actually but life just isn’t fair, is it? Bad things happen to good people. We all made the decision to turn off life support today. 

I’m standing in my office with all of Casey’s best friends- people she saw as family. I can see the unease on everyone’s faces. They’re all scared and that’s painfully obvious. How do I tell them that Casey isn’t going to get through this? 

“What’s going on?” Bryce asks, not wanting to beat around the bush. This is harder than I thought it was going to be.

I straighten my posture and clear my throat. I don’t want to break down in front of them. I can’t. “I’m not really sure how to tell you all this,” I start. I’ve started and now I’m not sure how to continue. I don’t know what to say. 

“Ethan?” Jackie questions. 

“Casey-” This was something I never thought I’d have to do. I’ve had conversations like this with people so many times in my career but I never thought the person that I would be talking about never recovering would be the love of my life. “Casey isn’t going to recover,” I state matter of factly. I know that I must look cold and desensitised to them but this is the only way to do this and not completely break down. 

“What?” Elijah asks. I know they’re all probably hoping the same thing I was earlier. That they’ve heard it wrong. Jackie and Bryce stand in complete shock and Sienna looks as if she’s on the verge of tears, actually, they all do. 

I go through everything with them. All the test results and everything and answer any questions any of them have. As I suspected, they all ask to go and see her….to say goodbye to her. 

***

(Bryce’s POV) 

I’m sitting beside Casey’s bed, her hand in mine. I’ve seen her multiple times since she was admitted but this is the first time seeing her and knowing that she’s never, ever going to wake up. That I’m never going to get my friend back. 

“Who am I going to mess around with now? Eh?” My eyes begin to tear up. God, she’s my best friend. I think overall the hilarious pranks we’ve pulled together over the years and all the other amazing, funny times we’ve spent together. 

Casey is one of the kindest people that I’ve ever met. She is one of the best people that I’ve ever met. She’s not only insanely smart, but she’s also intuitive, kind, compassionate, she doesn’t judge people on their past but on rather who they are now. She even managed to overlook the fact that my entire family is literal criminals. It’s a skill many people don’t have. I don’t think any amount of words assorted into combination can describe how much I’m going to miss her. Casey Valentine is my best friend and she made the world a better place. 

I give her hand a small squeeze as I get to my feet. I want to spend all day with her but there are other people who need to come and say goodbye. I lean over a place a kiss on her forehead. “Bye Case.” 

***

(Ethan’s POV) 

I stand just outside Casey’s room. Her friends have all had a little time with her and have all been able to say goodbye.  I’m able to see Anthony and Abigail inside as they completely break down. I’m sure that they feel 100x worse than I do right now. That’s they’re a child. Abigail will never be able to help her pick out a dress for her wedding day, Antony will never be able to walk his daughter down the aisle and give her away. They are going to miss out on everything. A parent should never lose a child. It’s sadly meant to be the other way around. 

It’s a little while later when the heartbroken parents vacate their daughter’s room and allow me to go and say my goodbyes. I’m looking at her but I’m not seeing her...I don’t know how to explain this feeling. She’s in all technicality dead, she’s brain dead, it’s just her body laying on that bed. She’s not there anymore, she’s just a shell, and that kills me. I wish there was something that I could do. I wish I could fix this, find some sort of loophole or something but I can’t. 

I take a seat and pick up her lifeless hand to hold in mine. I’ve been wishing that she’d squeeze my hand back for nearly two weeks but that’s never going to happen now. I’m never going to get to see her open those beautiful eyes again. Casey was my future and now I don’t know what the future holds or what I’m going to do. I don’t know how or if I’m ever going to be able to move on from this. 

“I don’t really know how I’m supposed to say everything that I want to say to you. Casey I-” My voice cracks. I don’t know why talking to her is making me feel better, logically. I know that she can’t hear me but talking to her and holding her hand does help me. It helps me and arguably I’m the reason we’re where we are now. “There are so many things that I want to say, Case. There are so many things that I wanted to do with you but I guess Life had other plans.  I’m sorry. I was supposed to protect you and I’m sorry that I couldn’t. I’m sorry for everything.” Why is this happening? This isn’t fair. “I love you and I don’t think- I know that I’m never going to love anyone half as much as I love you. Goodbye, Rookie.”

***

It’s time…

Casey’s room is full. I’m sitting on one side of her, her hand still in mine both her parents on her opposite side, both of them clinging on to their daughter’s free hand. Bryce, sienna, and Jackie as standing around the outskirts of the room, and Elijah is sitting just beside me in his chair. Harper and Naveen are stood beside the ventilator. Just outside, June, Baz, Ines, and Zaid are stood. 

“Are you ready?” Harper asks us all. I look up and give Harper a nod. She gives me a sad, small smile before switching the ventilator off. It beeps as she does so and a loud puff of air fills the room as she disconnects it from the intubation tube down Casey’s throat.

 I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to look at Harper the same way again. Not after this. 

The heart monitor begins to incessantly beep. I can’t help but to still hope that some miracle happens and she takes a breath but any hope of that happening is dashed away when she flatlines. The room is filled with a loud, piercing sound that I’m sure is going to haunt my dreams forever. Some try to hold in their sobs but ultimately fail.  Naveen switches the monitor off and the sound is replaced with everyone’s cries. Everyone’s but mine. 

This is a feeling I’ve never felt before.  I feel..empty, lost. Casey Valentine is- was the little glimmer at the end of the long, dark, suffocating tunnel. When I started to lose myself, Casey would be there to guide me out safely when it felt like the walls are caving in on me. She was everything, my everything and now I have nothing. 

Today Edenbrook lost not only an amazing doctor but one of the kindest human beings on this fucked up planet. 

***

It’s the funeral today. The day that I been dreading since Casey...Since Casey died a little over a week ago. 

This is the first time I’ve come back to our house. Everywhere, everything reminds me of her and it’s just too painful. It hurts too much. Since Casey...Since she died I’ve been staying with Naveen. He had offered to come and pick up my suit I’m wearing to go to the funeral today but I declined. I’m going to need to come back at some point. It’s my home even though it feels more like hell now, much like Edenbrook. 

Nothing is ever going to be the same ever again. Not without her. Not without Casey. 

I push the front door open and step inside. The memory of coming to view this house for the first time flashes in my mind. The first time we walked into our new home to start a new chapter together. Tears start to sting my eyes as I head to the staircase. I pass by the living room and once again, flashes of the meaningless but also amazing moments in between goes rushing by. I peel my gaze away from that room and to the front door. I remember that night, I remember hearing the door slam when Casey stormed out and her engine coming to life as she sped off. 

I shake my head, trying to rid the memory from my mind. It still feels like it’s my fault. I let her walk out. I make my way up the staircase and into our bedroom. I honestly don’t think I’m going to be able to live here again, not without being bombarded with memories of her. 

I’m cautious of taking too long since Naveen is sitting outside in his car waiting for me but...coming here is hard but nice, helpful in away. This was our home. This was where we spent time together, creating new memories together. This was where we were supposed to raise our children one day. This was where I was supposed to carry my new bride in to. The next chapter of our life together was being written here.  I quickly retrieve the suit from my closet and head out of the house. 

***

The service was nice. Everyone was there, her family, all her friends, even some old patients of hers turned to up to pay their respects to the doctor who saved their lives. All in all, it was the send-off that Casey Valentine deserved but a goodbye that happened way too soon than It should have. 

I thought that saying goodbye, having a funeral, would give me some sort of closure but it hasn’t. I don’t see this ever getting easier. I made the executive decision to come and stay at the house tonight. I need to be on my own and I need to get used to being here again. 

I’m sitting on the couch, a beer bottle in one hand, and a photo album Casey had put together a long time ago in the other. Drinking isn’t going to fix this I know that logically but It’s pretty tempting right now. 

 From where I am I can hear someone put a key in the lock and open the front door. There’s only one other person who has a key to this house. I don’t turn to look up as they enter.. 

“Hello, Ethan.” That’s not who’s supposed to me here. I turn around to see Harper instead of Naveen who I assumed was here. I’m confused as to why she’s here. We haven’t really spoken since Casey’s death. It too hard. Look at her reminds me of the worst time in my life.

“It’s never going to go away, is it?” I ask as I look back down at the picture of Casey I’ve been staring at for some time now. 

“Ethan, it’s only been a week. You just need to-” 

“Don’t say I need to give it time,” I interrupt.  “No amount of time will fix this.  No amount of time will bring her back, now will it?!” I snap at her. 

Harper doesn’t say anything as she sits herself down beside me. A Little bit of time goes by as I think over everything and all the emotions I’ve held back today and when she died comes bubbling to the surface. My head ends up leaning against Harper’s shoulder as she slings and arm around me. I finally feel able to cry. 

“It’s okay, Ethan.  I’m here.  For as long as you need me to be I’ll be here.” 

[hlvrai-loving]

Something Lacking

Joshua held his legs as he sat on the grass, silently watching the newly-recovered crow peck at a bowl of raspberries and blueberries. He'd figured it was only fair, giving it something to help it get back on its feet. It was his window the poor thing flew into after all.

"... You know, someone in my class, he used to get a lotta crows at his place..." He spoke softly to the bird, as though it could understand or respond. "I always thought he was pretty lucky, getting all those birds there. I figured they must really like it there, to fly over every day and eat whatever they could find... Must've been a paradise for them..."

The corvid bit back a few more berries, cawing before it went back for more. Joshua sighed, staring up at the cloudy sky. It still felt like it was getting colder, day by day, despite how weather usually was in New Mexico. Even during the winter months, he stood by the fact that it was never this cold before.

"... Anyways, I guess his dad kinda got fed up with them for ruining his lawn or whatever. He set up a bunch of things so they'd fuck off, but... well, they ended up being the neighbors' problem since it was closest to the other house. Neighbors complained to the dad, dad complained back to them. Like, what a big mess for a couple'a birds, am I right?"

The crow stared at him for a few moments, only to caw and flap its wings. Joshie gave a ghost of a smile. "Feeling better? Good enough to fly off yet, lil guy? Heh..." He wouldn't say he was still feeling stressed exactly, not entirely at least, but there was a large part of him that felt... anxious about heading back into his room. About going through more and more messages. About looking through more and more files. About... about finding out things no one should ever know. The words one of the messages spoke seemed to ring through his head endlessly. "Maybe they just stopped existing."

Despite the absurdity of it all, the thought itself sent chills up his spine. Whatever might've happened in that sector all those years ago... was he really ready to see through it all to the end?

Was he really ready for whatever consequences finding the truth might have?

He ran a hand through his hair, taking a deep breath. He was too far in now to give up, wasn't he? If he was going to be watched, tormented, threatened, he might as well make the most of it. Can't be too sure any of it would go back to normal if he suddenly stopped, can he? At least continuing on didn't make all the crap he was going through completely meaningless, right?

"... A lot of problems would be so much easier if I were like you. Could just fly away, maybe to wherever dad is. I'd actually be doing something worthwhile..." The crow stepped over to him as he spoke, eyeing him and letting out a few calls.

Evidently, it was still hungry.

Josh sighed. "I don't have anymore, sorry." The avian bobbed its head a few times, calling out louder and louder, before suddenly running off and taking flight.

"... Hm." He watched it for a bit, pushing himself up to head back inside when it was out of sight.

Josh shut the door of the garage behind him, cringing slightly at how loud it was. After finding the bird dazed and thankfully uninjured, he'd decided it'd need food and energy of some kind to make up for the stress it must've been going through. Seeing as the garage was closer to the kitchen than the front door was, it made sense to him at the time to go through here, even though opening the door to the damn thing probably took the same amount of time it would've taken him just to run through the front and to the kitchen anyways. Would've saved him from having to hear it again, that's for damn sure.

With that done, he turned to head towards the inner door, and that's when he spotted it. On the bottom shelf, nearest to the door, was a metal box, shut tight with a sturdy-looking lock. That... wasn't there before, was it? He's almost positive he would've noticed it before among the rest of the items, it wasn't like this place was used by anyone these days. It didn't even seem to have any dust on it...

Cautiously, Josh reached out and took it. It wasn't particularly heavy, whatever was in it didn't seem to move much when he tilted it. He wasn't exactly dumb enough to try shaking it, whatever's in there could be fragile after all.

"What the hell..." He muttered, looking around the shelves and drawers for a key. Of course, he came up empty. Whatever keys there were in here were old and much less sleek in design than the box itself was. Still, he made sure to try, just in case. Yet, no matter which one he tried, not a single one would fit.

Josh groaned in annoyance, slamming the box back onto the shelf. Another pointless loose end to add to his ever-growing list. Just another pointless item to piss him off when he's already stressed.

However, his anger quickly vanished as he froze, having heard something past the door. It was soft, faint, but repetitive. Footsteps, he realised, and they were getting louder.

The boy's eyes grew wide as he took a quick glance around the room, desperate and trembling as he searched for somewhere to hide. Finally, his eyes settled on a large wooden board propped up against the wall, just the right angle for him to hide behind and still check on whoever entered, hopefully without being seen. As quickly and as quietly as he could, he hid within, figuring he'd take a peek once he was sure they weren't looking.

The door slammed open not even a moment later, causing Josh to silently cower.

He heard them stomp in, rummaging through a toolbox as loudly as they could. Next, they made their way to the center of the room before stopping, perhaps weighing their options. Then, after what felt like an eternity, they spoke.

"... Come on out, fucker! I know you're in here! If you come out now, I'll letcha keep your kneecaps!"

And it was at this moment that Joshua's fears bubbled away into annoyance. You're kidding, he thought, You've gotta be fucking kidding me. It was the absolute furthest possibility from his mind, but his ears couldn't have deceived him. Just to be certain, he took a look.

And there, wielding a large wrench from one of the toolboxes, was Allen. It was nobody but Allen.

"Jesus fucking christ!" The smaller boy exclaimed, exiting his hiding spot. Allen whipped his body towards him as soon as he spoke, the menacing face he wore fading into a jovial smile once he recognized him. "You damn near gave me a heart attack! What the fuck are you doing?!"

"I heard the fuckin, the garage door, loud as shit! I thought somebody broke in!" Allen chuckled. "The fuck you doin' in here?"

"Hiding!" He retorted, "I thought you were-! Wait, why are you in my house?!"

Allen shrugged slightly. "Well, you weren't picking up your phone or answering my texts so I came over to check on you. One of the windows was open so I kindaaa... maybe came in through it?"

Josh gave an incredulous stare. "... You saw I wasn't picking up so you just... broke in?"

"Hey hey hey! It's not breaking in if the window's open, got it? Besides, I made sure to lock it once I was in." The taller boy corrected, the wrench still tightly gripped in his right hand.

"How long have you been in my house for? Were you jus-"

"Look look, you can ask me this later, alright? I came here for two reasons. First was to make sure you weren't, y'know, dead or something. Second was, uh... to ask you something."

He couldn't believe it. His heart was still hammering in his chest, his body still trembling just from this light scare, and what for? Just a question? Just to check in?

But then he noticed. On Allen's back was his schoolbag, seeming full to the brim and holding on with a single strap. His knuckles were scraped, his jeans a mess of dirt and small tears. Al ran a hand through his messy hair, tugging at a few of his crimson streaks, seemingly unconcerned.

"... Man, heh, this is like, wicked embarrassing." The taller teen chuckled, glancing away from Josh. "Could I... y'know, crash at your place for a bit? Not-mom 'n pops are being pretty... eh, unrad right now, so I don't exactly wanna head back while they're still mad, ya feel?"

He didn't know what to respond at first. Sure, this wouldn't be the first time Allen slept at his place, but the circumstances this time, they... They were unfamiliar to him. But, regardless of all that, he found himself fretting over what might happen if he refused. Where Allen might head instead and how he'd feel... He came to Josh first, most likely, and he wasn't close enough with their other friends to ask them for something like this.

Ultimately, it was probably no surprise that, with a gentle smile to his best friend, he said yes.

"Of course, I... I getcha. I'll have to check back in with mom when she returns, but you can stay here until then, alright?"

Allen gave a big smile, his eyes seeming to light up at the confirmation. He pulled Josh into a tight hug, surprising him with the sudden affection. "Thanks. I'll owe it to ya later." Then he pulled away with a playful laugh. "Anyways, let's get the hell outta the garage. Gotta bed to set up, don't we?"

It seemed too sudden, making light of the whole thing as if it were nothing more than a sleepover, but that tended to be how many interactions with Allen went. All Josh could do in response was smile slightly and nod.

"Yeah, you'll have to put that away though. Don't need any rust in my room." He referred to the wrench of course. Al glanced down at it and rolled his eyes.

"Nyeh nyeh, whatever, neerrrd!" He plopped it back into the toolbox with a clang. With that done, he sped over to the door. "Race ya to your room, NERD!"

"Hey! No fair!" Josh called back, chasing after him with a soft laugh.

The locked box on the shelf was already nothing more than a distant memory as he ran.

[ayakashiramblings]

Dawn and Twilight’s Social Media Accounts

Kuya

@NevermoreButSnore.

1230 followers.

Yes, I copied Edgar Allan Poe. Yes, I’m not sorry about the rhyme. Or calling him out. 

Not that he really cares.

Insists that he is a headcanon creator on Twitter 

Everyone who follows him knows that he is lying. 

If we really had to classify him as a writer, it would one who posts those way-too-accurate posts about writers complaining about writing. 

Like the notebook hoarding one. Not that anyone here in the fandom is guilty of that, haha... haha... ha.

Ironically is one of the more popular ones out of the whole group. 

His flat responses and laziness are way too prominent to NOT be noticed. 

If you actually tentatively sneak into his DMs though, for writing tips, he will patiently listen and... rather bluntly advise you. 

It’s still advice though and is always the type to check out and reblog any short fanfics.

It just has to be weird, sporadic hours because he is the type to fall asleep with the phone on his face. 

Koga Kitamikado

1230 followers.

@CapitalKayKay

Listen, there is a reason why a lot of successful businesses chose Instagram as their social media so Koga is no exception. 

What makes his account stand out, as you can see from his rather cheeky username, is that he is willing to be an open book. 

So he isn’t constantly shoving down any products he is sponsoring or whatever piece he is endorsing. 

It’s more of genuinely wanting to hang out and explore what the world has to offer. 

Whenever he posts a picture of the gang together, he’s the one tagging all of them, even the ones with hard usernames.

And there’s always a nice comment thanking whoever hosted the fun time or being appreciative of the area and the locals.

It helps that he has a sense of humour so the memes are always just the right amount of teasing but nothing too bad that will deter potential clients.

Because of his down-to-earth nature, he reels everyone in.

Uses the space to invite everyone following him on any celebration/casual outing.

The thing is... he has a lot of followers.

So... good luck.

Aoi

1150 followers.

@DeredArtTooTsun

Look, even he knows he is a Tsundere. It’s a small victory getting him to acknowledge that, let alone use it to brand himself here.

But god, he’s the man I’m most jealous of on Tumblr.

PERFECT BULLET JOURNALS AND SKETCHES.

Got the spreads that literally define ‘aesthetic’, a perfect lineup of art materials even with pencils that have their numbers faded, and somehow, the emotions can pass through the paper and screen.

Even does tutorials on perspectives, positions with cute annotations. Just don’t praise them for being adorable though and focus on improving your skills, dummy.

Ironically though, it’s his mindless vents that get the most number of notes.

It helps that the pics include him, a very cute... I mean... manly boy screaming at very, very hot men.

A bit baffled but whatever it takes to get commissions. 

That’s right, he takes them. At least there is a back-up option should the restaurant ever go out of business. 

Spoiler Alert: Still doesn’t get paid as much. People, have you seen the number of talented artists here? Aoi might be in the rankings but it’s still hard attracting business.

Support your fandom artists, everyone!

Ginnojo

1000 followers. Just nice.

Ginnojoz

Poor grandpa didn’t intend to put that extra ‘z’ letter, it was a typo because scales don’t get along with haptic touch. 

And unfortunately, doesn’t understand how to change it. 

Once, he was huge on Vine before it died. The end of an era that he has to witness again. RIP.

Gin-Gin, it is RIGHT. THERE.

Expect to find his super short self-defence videos and Book Club Readings on YouTube.

Girls actually appreciate his instructions and attempts to provide help even if they are alone. 

He did try to respond to the nice ones and actually succeeds. 

It’s always easier getting to know the language of women when you don’t really see/touch them.

A deep baritone is perfect for some sexy excerpt of a historical novel... 

Until he corrects the setting.

In fact, he sometimes rage-quits and rewrites it. 

Unlike Kuya, him doing those established ideas actually catches on. 

Yura and Gaku

1500 followers.

MelodyandTheBeat. 

... Tik-tokers. Tik-Tok people? 

WTH do you call them?

As you can see, they are the most popular since it’s combined stardom.

Look, their covers and music mixes are beautiful.

They always have their own version that somehow combines traditional Japanese music... with k-pop.

And of course, food porn. 

Just be grateful there isn’t that awful squelching sound you hear when you consume jelly or the breaking of chilli seeds. 

Listen, I usually separate them because it’s never nice to be grouped as having the same activity as your twin. 

But in this case, being both equally beautiful AND talented sells their uploads. 

Even the cringy ones made because Yura is such a Luddite. 

Like just turning his head and being amazed his hair can turn so many colours, being impressed with each tilt until he gets to a black shade. 

Suddenly hurls the phone away. Gee, wonder why? Guess black isn’t the new... black for him?

Gaku sometimes even introduces new filters he created based on Yura’s random requests that strangely get circulated on the site. 

Oji

550 followers all know Oji-Sanz

Unlike Ginnojo, he deliberately adds the ‘z’ letter to sound cool.

You wanna know what’s worse? 

He actually uses Facebook. 

Aoi decides to give up on him. Nobody blames the poor student.

It’s apparently some old form of social media? Never used it, no sirree. 

Always changing his relationship status but at the end of the day, he’s single and ready... 

To post about all the lovely ladies destined to enter his restaurant. 

He thinks it’s great publicity. 

It really isn’t but one good thing about Oji is he includes EVERYONE.

This man respects his customers and always helps advertise their wares, especially if their connections lead to more resources. 

And less grocery shopping on his part.

Does post the recipes he and Aoi created but will never use because the Milk Hall had a certain style to follow.

Officially makes Aoi his son... on Facebook at least. 

Aoi now tolerates the account. 

Barely. 

Toichiro Yuri

WhatheMeSay has 1231 followers! 

In your face @CapitalKayKay and @NevermorebutSnore!!

You know, I’m so glad that there aren’t any users with those names because I’d be so scared of accidentally tagging them.

Also, geddit? Because... What the fox say? 

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding... yeah, I’ll stop.

Pinterest Guy. And actually does spend on his ‘hobby’ to show off to everyone.

It does boost you and your father’s sales so there is nothing to complain about. 

His boards are always alliterated just to sound super catchy and it works so long as he gets the right emoji. 

Kabuki plays better be promoted or else.

Filled with candid pictures of his victims all taken at different angles you didn’t know were possible and in varying degrees of hilariously misunderstood positions.

He even supplies a donation link, heavily leveraged by his followers, since there are incentives tied to it like early access.

A bit suspicious the photos look like cropped out parts from Koga’s posts and some of the text resembles Kuya’s... er... wisdom?

He takes an unholy amount of selfies when he thinks no one is looking and so they are always surprised upon finding them on the Selfie Board. 

There is a locked board that no one can access, even his followers who are his comrades in real life. 

It’s actually just one picture in there. 

It’s you smiling and giggling at a joke of his. Not even you know it’s been taken. Guess he is as soft as his fur, eh? He better come out soon or else.

Kuro

Kuroruohtumbling

Ginnojo is unfortunately just old enough to have grown up with Scooby-Doo to understand the reference.

Snapchat, like a snapping snake! Hiss!

Unironically loves the puppy face.

Ok, but the glimpses of his stunts help show snippets of the circus life. 

He and his whole troupe family will even don costumes best suited for certain filters.

Sometimes ropes in Ginnojo... and by sometimes, I mean enough for everyone to start wondering if the stoic man is part of the act. 

To be fair, he randomly hugs people and ranks them here.

You, of course, were number 1. 

Now, if only he didn’t use the bloody song to announce it but you forgive him.

Maybe even risks revealing his ayakashi form before deleting the message to you.

Loves making international fans and learning various languages through each post, sort of like flashcards but animated and more fun!

And with 1200 followers, he might become a polyglot like Koga.

Shizuki 

Everyone bans him from creating one. 

Because they know the power of his roasts is too great. 

Little do they know he goes undercover. 

Underground.

And under their noses.

That’s right. His rant town on... MySpace. 

Unapologetically uses a good chunk of his salary from serving the House of Yuri just to get nifty themes that help with the whole burning process. 

Look, there’s a reason he and Oji are friends. 

This is why. 

Their taste in women seems fine but we really have got to do something about their affinity towards DEAD PLACES.

To be fair, he made the whole thing drunk but that doesn’t mean he should maintain it SOBER.

He just feels that it is a waste of space if he doesn’t utilize it. 

And it also becomes kind of cathartic. From the intrusive hugs to his master and Sir Gaku irking each other to no end, he needs it. 

Zero followers... but only because it’s super private. 

It becomes 1 the moment you jokingly create an account. 

[brittle-bone-gabe]

Two Opposites, But Two Losers: Chapter Two - Fancy Running Into You Here

Chapter One, Chapter Three, 

Summary: Eddie Kaspbrak is a first-year medical student trying to start off on the right foot, but being up all night to study and pull through on his assignments increases his need for coffee; this is where he meets his “favorite” new barista, Richie Tozier: an art student with bad habits. (I will specify a possible trigger in the chapter titles if it calls for one).

Pairings: Eddie x Richie, Ben x Beverly, Stan x Patty, Bill x Audra, Bill x Mike

Read on Ao3: Here

Art History certainly wasn’t Richie’s top subject, in fact, if his graduation criteria wasn’t requiring it he would have skipped the class all together. The class had a test today, and Richie was sure that he had failed it for the sole reason he kept erasing and redoing almost all of his answers, even though in the end he usually kept the original answer he had in the first place. Words could not describe how frustrated that made Richie; did he make the right choices with his answers? Did he royally fuck up? Bev was right, he should’ve been studying instead of going out every night… Maybe he’d stay in all week to study. ...Right. Richie told himself that every week but never stuck with it.

You fucked up, why didn’t you just fucking study, you stupid fucking- Richie’s thoughts got cut off as soon as he looked up from the floor, noticing the familar figure walking across the t-hallway, not even glancing Richie’s way. Any and all negative thoughts Richie had were brushed aside, a huge smile on his face as he had a new goal at the moment. He needed to pick on Eddie again. Richie squirmed his way through the group of people in the hallway, racing to catch up to the shorter man, minding his own business, not aware that he was about to be bombarded by a trashmouth.

“Morning Bird!” Richie said loudly, causing everyone in the hallway to turn and look at him, not sure who he was referring to, but certainly gave him that you’re insane look.

Recognizing the voice made Eddie physically cringe, gripping his backpack strap so tightly that his knuckles turned white. He closed his eyes for just a moment, letting out a sigh before opening them again just as Richie managed to catch up with him.

“What’s up!” Richie said just as loudly as he did when he called for him.

Eddie couldn’t help himself as he pinched the bridge of his nose, he couldn’t believe how loud this man could possibly be. He was acting as if he had way too much coffee, which wouldn’t surprise Eddie considering the fact that Richie worked in a fucking coffee shop. He probably got too much free coffee to keep him awake for the entire day. Just spending the short amount of time with Richie this morning had exhausted Eddie, how in the hell did he manage to run into him here, in one of the hundreds of hallways on campus?

“On my way to class…” Eddie mumbled, he could physically feel people’s eyes on him and he didn’t like it at all. He hated having all the attention on him, he felt more inclined to fuck something up and trip over his own feet.

It’s as though Richie couldn’t pick up on how Eddie was feeling, as he continued the conversation as if nothing was awkward for him or anything.

“Oh yeah?” Richie started, “what class ya got, Morning Bird?”

“Behavioral Sciences… And would you stop calling me that? It’s almost two in the afternoon.”

Shit, was it really? Richie checked the smart-watch on his wrist. He couldn’t believe that, it felt like time was going by quickly today.

He laughed. “What else am I supposed to call you?”

God, was he annoying… It was as though he only had one volume setting on his voice.

Eddie couldn’t help but roll his eyes at his ridiculous question. “I dunno… my name?” As annoyed as Eddie was trying to act, he was lowkey trying to hold back his small smile. There was no way Richie would be able to remember his name from way back of this morning, especially how busy the Harvest usually got around eight in the morning. Just to hear him trip up would make Eddie’s day.

“Ah, okay, Eds.” Seeing Eddie frown at the nickname made Richie chuckle, he always had a natural talent for pissing people off just being twisting their names around. Well, in general he had a talent to piss people off, that was his favorite trait.

“Don’t call me that.”

“Aww, cheer up Ed-” even before Richie could finish his sentence, Eddie glared at him, giving him that choose my name carefully look. “Eddie,” Richie finished, a smile still on his face.

“Don’t you have somewhere to be?”

“Nope! Y’know, I never asked… what’s your major?”

“I’m… actually in med school.”

Honestly? Richie was shocked to hear that. He had saw Eddie as someone who would be majoring in engineering. Maybe computer science, but med school? That was so fucking cool. Richie certainly couldn’t keep focus on schooling that long to become a doctor, but anyone who could was amazing.

“Oh… wow. That’s awesome!” Eddie looked up at Richie, shocked at his answer. “So you’re going to be a doctor or some shit?”

Eddie smiled and nodded, and as soon as he did, Richie started rambling away about how cool that was, how he could never do that, but it was awesome that Eddie was able to do it. Eddie wasn’t used to praise from anyone besides his professors about how he was doing in school, lord knows he barely had any support when choosing his major in high school. His mom hated the fact he wanted to become a doctor, in fact, when he had mentioned that med school was on his choice for majors she went insane. She had tried to do everything she could to try to convince him to pick literally anything else, going as far as to attempting to bribe him to switch by offering to pay for his entire schooling as long as he chose anything else. Just because she was a hypochondriac and turned Eddie into a hypochondriac his entire childhood didn’t mean she could dictate his entire life; but in high school, Eddie decided that he wanted to help people, to reassure people that everything would be okay and he could fix them. Anytime Eddie called home just to check up on his mother he wasn’t able to mention school at all, otherwise she would get extremely passive aggressive, turning the conversation into making sure Eddie was making the right choice for his future.  

“What about you?” Eddie asked Richie once he stopped his rambling, “What’s your major?”

Richie laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his head. “Ah… mine’s not as exciting as your thing.”

“I didn’t ask that, I asked what your major was.”

Well, Richie was taken aback by how snappy Eddie could be, it was cute though. He smiled at the smart ass remark, though.

“Graphic design, not sure what I want to do with it, but… eh…” he shrugged, readjusting the single strapped backpack that was around his torso. “Art’s my thing.” Eddie’s walk slowed to a stop in front of a classroom, causing Richie to smile even bigger. “Looks like I just walked you to your class.”

“Don’t make a habit of this, Richie.”  

“Uhhuh, uhhuh…. I’ll see ya later, Morning Bird!” Richie made sure to say it loudly so everyone already in the classroom would hear him, they turned their heads to see who was coming inside the classroom after that.

Eddie discreetly flipped him off as he made his way into the classroom, his face turning pink from the embarrassment of everyone looking at him. Well, that was going to make class more interesting. People on the other side of the earth could probably hear Richie and his big fucking mouth.

As Richie walked away, he pulled out his phone from his back pocket. As usual, the first thing he did whenever he unlocked his phone was go to his messaging app, texting Beverly. He texted her, asking her where she was and what she was doing right now, as he could never remember her schedule during the week or what classes she has going on. To be fair, most things go through one ear and out the other for Richie, it was something most people had to deal with when getting close to him, accepting that he will forget a lot of things.

He was about to lock his phone and put it back in his pocket, but Bev began texting back immediately, the three dots were underneath his text on the screen. Richie moved with his back against the brick wall, staying out of the way so others could walk past him in the hallway while he waited for a text back. He stared at it, waiting anxiously to see what she had to say.

-Layin’ down with ben, her text had said.

So she must’ve not had class today… That, or she skipped class to spend time with her boyfriend. Ben worked 3rd shift as a campus guard, Richie couldn’t understand why there needed to be a 3rd shift campus guard walking around the grounds at night, but whatever paid the bills…

-wanna get lunch of somethin’? i got some tea for ya.

-👀 should we meet at harvest?

 Obviously it was a joke, but Richie still audibly groaned just thinking about hanging out there while not on the clock.

-😡 no we have to go somewhere with good food

-🖕

                                                          -----

There was an amazing sub shop that was just off campus that Richie and Bev had agreed to meet at. Of course, Richie was there first, he was anxious to tell Bev about how he “walked” Eddie to class. Besides that though, Richie wanted to spend time with his best friend. Well, no, Bev was more like his sister than his best friend and everyone knew that. They were those annoying best friends who posted each other on Snapchat and Instagram nonstop, but at the same time some people were like “I wish I had a friendship like that.” Nobody really knew what they’ve been through together that made them this close, and it was likely that nobody would ever know that side of Richie anyways.

The two have sat at a table, their food sitting in front of them, but Richie couldn’t focus on eating as he was busy readjusting the many bracelets on his wrists and bouncing his leg. That was the first sign to Bev that something was wrong with him. Although, she couldn’t tell if he was anxious or excited, as he acted the same for either or.

“What’s your problem?” Bev asked him before taking a bite into her sandwich.

“Hm?” Richie hummed, snapping out of his many, many thoughts. He had almost forgotten that he was the one who invited her out because he had some tea. “Oh, nothin’...”

“Bullshit. You know better than to lie to me, Trashmouth.” She grabbed a piece of lettuce that was on her tray, throwing it at him so it got stuck in his hair. Richie fished it out before throwing it back at her. “You said you had tea for me, I’m not hearing any tea.”

“Remember that guy that came in earlier?” Richie asked quickly, trying to contain the smile he wanted to let free.

“Many guys come in, Richie, and you have heart eyes for almost all of them.”

“Excuse me, I do not.” Bev didn’t say anything, she just rolled her eyes waiting for him to get to the point and be more specific. “No, I’m talking about the guy from waaay earlier in the morning.”

“The one you kept calling cute?”

“Yes!” He waved his fingers, pointing at her, “that one!”

“What about him?”

“I saw him after class and I walked him to his class.”

Bev groaned. “Did you walk him to his class or did you follow him?”

“He’s so cute, dude,” Richie said as he sat up, shaking both of his hands so the bracelets fell down to the base of his hands.

“You need a man.”

“I fucking knooooow. Morning Bird is in med school, Bev. Med school.”

“So he’s too smart for you, got it. Better luck trying to find something else.”

“Bitch, fuck you.”

They flipped each other off before sitting in silence once more. Richie didn’t know what else to say, from what he was implying Bev was telling him… she was right. There would be no fucking way Eddie would want to be with someone like him. Hell, the way he freaked out when he saw Richie smoking outside during his small break was evidence of that. Eddie thought smoking was gross, and he was right, even Richie thought smoking was gross, but no matter how many times he had tried to quit in the past it didn’t matter as he went right back to his old habits. They were scrolling through their phones now, but Bev couldn’t help but notice that Richie kept mindlessly itching his forearm that was covered by the long sleeve shirt underneath his t-shirt.

“So, how are things going, Rich?” Bev asked in complete seriousness.

Richie knew how serious she was being because that was the only time she called in Rich instead of Richie, or Trashmouth, or literally anything else.

He shook his head lightly, dropping his hands to the table, locking his phone screen. “‘m fine,” he mumbled, avoiding eye contact. He had to look back up to her when he felt that she was giving him that serious look she gave when she knew he wasn’t telling the complete truth. “I am! I’m fine!”

“Alright, alright!” She held her hands up to him, “I didn’t say anything. But… you know you can talk to me about-”

“I know. I appreciate it.”

Richie began anxiously fiddling with the phone in his hands, waiting for a specific notification to come through. He honestly didn’t want to have this conversation again, especially in a public place, it would just take one person overhearing it and Richie would refuse to ever show his face around campus again. Bev was a total sweetheart, she was there for Richie through thick and thin, as he was there for her too, but sometimes she asked about this specific problem too much. Not like Richie would ever tell her to stop trying to help, but it would clear he would be uncomfortable with the conversation.

The phone finally vibrated in Richie’s hand, causing his heart to do a flip in his chest as he sat up quickly, unlocking his phone to see a text message with no contact name with only a single character in the text box.

-?

“I gotta go,” Richie said quickly, standing up before Bev could even process what was going on.

“Where do you have to be that’s so damn important?” She asked as Richie was throwing his backpack strap over his torso, shoving his phone in his back pocket.

“Gotta meet up with my project partner,” he leaned down, kissing Bev’s cheek. That was something they’ve always done as best friends. “I’ll see ya later, Molly Ringwald.”

“Fuck you, Trahsmouth.”

Richie waved as he quickly left the sub shop, Bev watching sadly after him. She had a strong gut feeling that there was no project partner. She hated accusing and thinking that Richie was doing this shit again, but after what happened she couldn’t help it…

Bev unlocked her phone, opening up their next door neighbor, Stan’s, text messages.

- i think richies slipping again could you talk to him?

                                                       -----

Richie had walked across campus and then some just to meet up with his “project partner.” Yeah, that was such a good fucking cover up… Richie could tell that Bev didn’t really believe him or his lies and he felt like such an asshole for lying to her but he couldn’t help it anymore. He looked over his shoulder as he walked through the main parking lot where hundreds of cars were parked, but picking out which car he was looking for wasn’t that difficult of a task. In fact, Richie could recognize that crappy red car from anywhere as it was facing away from the campus building so nobody would make out who the driver was.

When Richie walked up to the car, he didn’t even knock on the window or anything to get the drivers attention, instead, he just opened the passengers side door and slid inside, closing the door behind him. In the driver's seat sat Henry Bowers; it was no secret that Henry and Richie fucking hated each others guts, but they needed each other so they would just suck it up for the time being. They had been partnered up for a project about a year ago, but stuck together, lowkey meeting up since Henry became Richie’s dealer; a known dealer at that, and Richie was his best customer.

“Did ya miss me?” Richie asked playfully, a smile on his face.

“Shut up, faggot.”

Richie shrugged the insult off. Henry had called him that so many times it lost any and all meaning.

“I want Pepsi,” Richie gave his overused, failed attempt at a joke. Henry only glared at him, looking like he was about ready to punch him in the jaw. “Get it? You’re supposed to say-”

“I get the fucking joke, Tozier. Especially since you make the joke every fucking time.”

Richie swung the backpack around, pulling out one-hundred dollars he kept at the bottom of all the junk in there. He dropped it on the center console so nobody who was possibly lurking around out in the parking lot could see them exchanging money. Normally, as his own rule, Henry would check everybody’s money, but since RIchie’s money was always good he didn’t feel the need to. From underneath his seat, Henry pulled out a brown paper lunch bag, handing it over to Richie underneath the view of the windshield who immediately shoved it into his backpack.

“So… got any plans later?” Richie only asked him because he knew it pissed him off.

“Get the fuck out of my car.”

“Right,” he said quickly, getting out of the car like he was instructed to do. He waved obnoxiously to Henry before making his way back to the apartment to get what he paid for.

[luckyspike]

Northern Exposure - a Good Omens fanfic

I was thinking about playing ‘Banished’ (top 10 video games of all time, fight me) and got this idea so i wrote some fanfic instead

this is definitely NOT going to be updated with any regularity until the murder mystery and the tornado hunting story get finished BUT i might throw out a chapter here and there as i feel like it

also everyone meet my new favorite OC of all time, Phyllis

--

“Heretics! Heretics!” There were cries echoing from the town square, a mass of voices raised in anger. “Heretics!” 

Aziraphale was knelt in a stable, finishing the laborious task of packing - mostly books and scrolls, but also some heavy blankets and tartans, and a few other sundries - just so for a prolonged period of transport. To his right, his mule was placidly munching hay in spite of the cries from the square. Aziraphale sighed. “I’m afraid this might be rather a rough go, old chap,” he confided to the mule. 

The mule, who was, in fact, not a chap at all but a hinny who privately referred to herself as ‘Phyllis’, not that anybody had ever asked, did not respond. She had expected it, when she’d seen the angel show up with two full packs and an extra satchel full of things that he probably felt certain he could find some room for somewhere. He would, although Phyllis was aware that this was largely because he believed he would, and not because the packs were capable of holding anything more.

At least, she reflected as she munched, there was a bonus: no matter how many things the strange angel stuffed into the packs, they never felt heavy enough to truly burden her. Probably comes from being an angel, she’d thought to herself the first time she’d noticed the phenomenon, and since that time had wasted no further thought on the matter. No sense in it, anyway: whatever it was he was going to do with the packs was going to happen whether she thought about it or not, and that was that.

“I don’t suppose there could have been anything more virtuous to do with my time,” he muttered as he swung the packs over her pack. Phyllis was more attuned to human (and ethereal) emotions and inflections than most mules, and over the sound of her own chewing she was certain she could sense a little bitterness and a lot of sarcasm. She began to chew more vigorously. “I was really starting to get the sexton to come around,” Aziraphale was saying. “I think a few more years, and we could have had this whole area running along quite smoothly. Optimistic of me, I suppose.”

“Heretics, heretics!” shouted the crowd in the square. Munch munch munch, went Phyllis.

“Still.” He fastened the cinch, never tightly enough to cause her any discomfort, though the load never slipped. “I suppose they are quite nice people. Could be a worse group to travel with.” He ensured the packs were secure, and patted Phyllis on the top of her rump. She swished her tail, but otherwise tried not to take offense. “I’m concerned it really will be dreadful, though.” Phyllis did not respond. 

The angel was dithering now. He often did, before he and Phyllis would set off on their little jaunts, usually about Gabriel, who Phyllis assumed was the tall man-looking angel with purple eyes. She strongly disliked Gabriel. The first time she had met him, he had materialized out of the ether in the middle of her stall, and then had the audacity to remark on the quality of the straw. The nerve. “Oh, but I was just starting to get settled, as well! All those years of moving around, but I haven’t moved in - what? Ten years? I thought I could make this a base of operations, my boy, I really did.” He lip wobbled. “I do hope the sexton watches after those scrolls like I asked. Some of them are so very old …” He made a frustrated noise. “If I’d known I would have had them preserved and laid aside in London!” He groaned. “I thought they were going to let me be, I really did, you know?” 

Phyllis knew. She’d known for about a week, because Aziraphale had been repeating the same old refrain to her since he’d been visited by Gabriel and informed that they were, for some reason, to be accompanying a group of pilgrims out of the city and into exile in the wild north. “Heretics, heretics!” cried the crowd outside. Aziraphale scowled at the window.

“And over such a message, all this mess!” He crossed his arms, expression deeply offended as the chant outside droned on. “‘Be kind to one another’; I tell you my friend, that Crowley wasn’t wrong when he said that would do it every time.” He sobered then, and his eyes got that misty look that usually meant he was thinking about something. “Every time.”

Phyllis swished her tail. It was a small thing, but it seemed to startle the angel out of his reverie, which she was glad for. He didn’t say anything, but he started moving again, checking over her tack and glancing into the packs at his supplies, before finally fastening the last bag closed and scritching her made. “Very well. If we must go, then we go, eh? I think they should be leaving soon.” He tied the halter on, and tugged the lead, urging her out. “Come now. It’s spring yet: there will be plenty of grass on the way.”

Phyllis sighed, and trudged after him. Certainly there would be grass, of course there would. But there would be such a lot of walking in between.

She was resolving herself to her fate - up until the lead was on, she had been holding out hope that perhaps that Gabriel twit would show up and say there’d been a change of plans - when a smell startled her, and quite despite herself, she shied. Aziraphale spun around, free hand raised. 

“Who goes …” He trailed off, opened a closed his mouth a few times and then leaned forward, one reassuring hand on his mule’s neck as he narrowed his eyes at the black-robed figure with the long staff that had been waiting for them outside of the stables. “Is that Crowley in there?”

The figure pushed its hood back, and a tumble of messy red hair fell forward, across the figure’s face and broad grin, although it didn’t seem to notice. Might have been hard to, with the blindfold tied over its eyes.

“What happened to your eyes?” The angel asked, suspiciously.

“Hm?” The figure spoke. Phyllis took a step backwards, away. “Oh, nothing. No, people were just getting a bit weird about them is all, and last time I tried the glasses the rector claimed to have seen a demon in dark lenses.” He pushed the black length of cloth up, the better to wink at Aziraphale and Phyllis with one golden, slit-pupiled eye. 

Aziraphale frowned. “Well. I mean.”

“Not the point. Point is, life’s easier like this. For now.” He tugged the cloth back over his eyes. “Plan on dumping it as soon as I get out of town.”

The angel was rubbing her neck in smooth circles, and although it really was very soothing for her, prompting her head to droop just a little and her ears to swing out and to the side, she had the distinct impression that the action was more to soothe his own nerves rather than calm her in the presence of the demon. “Ah. You’re on your way out too, as well?”

“Business.” He leaned against the brick structure to his right and shrugged. “You know how it is. You?”

“The same.” He tilted his head toward the northern gate, and then apparently remembered that the other person couldn’t see him at the moment. “Ah, I’m headed north.”

Crowley nodded. “Mm. Nice time of year for it. For now.”

“Suppose so.”

“What about you?” Aziraphale cleared his throat. “Ah … going north, that is. Tempting?”

Under the hood, the dark figure smirked. “Gathering intelligence, are you?” He stretched his fingers around the staff. “Can’t say, really. Shouldn’t say. But yes, broadly. Tempting. Not sure where, though. Supposed to be following somebody.” He shrugged. “Could be anywhere.”

Aziraphale’s smile faltered, although with the blindfold on Crowley never saw. “Ah. Well … I suppose I shouldn’t say good luck, but, er.”

“Same, really.” He snorted. “Wouldn’t it be funny if we were just cancelling each other out again? Both off on some daft mission to who-knows-where …” He leaned forward, onto the staff. “Could just stay home,” he murmured in a sing-song sort of way. Aziraphale scowled, and Phyllis flicked her ears. “Bet your mule likes that option.”

“Phyllis,” Phyllis whickered, because she always tried, even if nobody ever understood her. Crowley cocked his head, but didn’t say anything. 

“I’m sure he does.” Aziraphale squared up his shoulders and did his best to look determined, although Phyllis was sure anybody in a 10-foot radius could smell the uncertainty on him. “But duty calls -”

“She.”

“Hm?” The angel stopped short, and blinked. “Sorry?”

“She. She says her name’s Phyllis.” Crowley jerked his chin toward the mule. “You never asked?”

“You … can understand animals?”

The robed figure looked surprised. “You can’t?”

“Afraid not.”

Crowley was quiet for a moment. “Weird, that. Anyway ah, yeah. I suppose I can do. And your hinny likes Phyllis.”

“Very well. Terribly sorry, dear girl.” He paused to pat her on the neck, and listened to the square as he did so. The angry chanting had died down, and there was a man speaking urgently. “Oh. I believe that’s … my cue, so to speak.”

“I could take care of both,” Crowley sing-songed again. “Bit of blessing here, a bit of tempting there, no one’s the wiser.”

“You can’t do blessings,” Aziraphale scoffed. “You’re a demon.”

Crowley raised an eyebrow. “Hm, can’t I? News to me.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“What’d I do on the ark, then?” There was an undercurrent of mockery in his voice now. “Or that time in Hamburg -”

“Thwarting God’s will,” Aziraphale replied promptly. He tugged on Phyllis’s lead, and she took a reluctant step after him, toward the square and the North. She snuffed the demon’s robe in thanks as she went by; he may be a creature of pure, unadulterated evil, stinking of brimstone and despair and hatred, but he had told her angel her name. 

The demon sighed. “Depends on who you ask, I suppose. Anyway, see you around. Maybe. Don’t have too much fun up north.” Aziraphale huffed and didn’t look back, resolutely walking onward toward the square. Phyllis did look back though - a perk of her 350 degree field of vision, thank you years of natural selection - and could see the demon listening to them go, before he pushed off the wall and strode away, staff tapping the cobbles ahead of him. He seemed to be going the opposite direction, until at the last minute she saw him stop, lift the blindfold to get his bearings, and then sharply turn down a side-street and out of sight.

It was all very odd.

Naturally, Phyllis assumed they were going to the square, where all the people were shouting again. At first she didn’t bother to try to discern what they were shouting, but as they drew closer it came to her attention that the mob’s cry had changed from ‘heretics’, whatever that meant, to ‘exile’.

Oh, dear. She knew that word. And to the north …? Oh dear, oh dear.

Her hooves were carrying her toward the square, but then Aziraphale tugged on the lead and drew her down a side alley. “We’ll meet them at the gates, I think. No sense wading into a mob - they’ll make it out of town just fine.” It was one of those Things he said, Phyllis noted. Where it might not have been true, had no basis in reality, and yet because he had said it that way, it would just sort of … become reality. She snorted, and followed after him, plodding along the street, the miraculously-light load of his goods shifting around on her back as she shook her hide and adjusted the blanket a little more comfortably. From the sound of it, they were going to be in for a long trip.

“So, er. Phyllis, hm?” Aziraphale glanced at her over his shoulder, brow knit with concern and, perhaps, embarrassment. “So sorry I didn’t … well, the man did say ‘he’ when I purchased you, to be fair.” Six months ago, she thought. That was six months ago, and the angel had still not noticed. It wasn’t as if she’d hidden anything. She was a mule, for God’s sake. “Anyway, sorry. Would, ah, would ‘dear girl’ be preferable, in that case?”

She flicked an ear. Oh yes, a very long trip indeed.

[sorrymomandcat]

Thurs. April 30 2020

1:55AM and I still haven’t gotten my CREM money. 

6:10AM I’m figuring ‘why the fuck not’ let’s just be real here: Anonymous to High Priestess - let’s catch up. Before meth I hadn’t really touched any “drugs”. I’m not sure what comes to your mind when I say “drugs” but I think of weed. Misleading intro; Take 2? I smoked weed every other day (ish) drank once or twice a month.. occasionally snorted coke (free only) years ago fucked around with BS fake lean via tylenol 1′s from Floor Store. Shrooms back then too. I drank hard maybe 4 years ago but overall I shaped up well to my peers and age group. Then like, BOOM. Bad business. Or whatever. Whatever YOU want to call it. Couple bad choices, couple unanswered hands, couple of adolescent milestones, couple of deaths, couple of days worked, couple of insecurities.. then BOOM I’m smoking meth. Obviously ya? Have you wondered? Good, because it’s obviously right, right? What do you imagine when you hear the words “smoke meth”? What’s YOUR reaction? Maybe you’ll have been more cultured than I was. Not the main point today but a pivotal one. We get that, in this industry that is me posting, I am meth head. I’d like to talk in this post about the actual me with the life - career aside. How’s it been for me as hypothetically a regular human being? Feeling so dysfunctionally stigmatized yet still remembering how to use an internet on a laptop I cleverly budgeted? How to like, pull up a Blogr and utilize the alphabet? Yep. It’s a wonder. Baby even eats everyday! Hallelujah. When I am not demonstrating my abilities to function as your everyday-run of the mill-4 year post death-parentless-former liar for attention- straight A- book publishing- comedian-existential activist, I can be found wondering why the fuck this isn’t alarming to everyone. It could be due to the (mostly harmless) path of destruction left in my unintentional wake to puberty with MSN and a box of CD’s as my only vices. It could be living in what was my 33rd location in 17 years with no witness was hard to comprehend and with no similar boat to reference went overboard at the loss of an unaffordable handful of friends. Loss, to death. Like they died. I’m not exaggerating.. that’s how many places I lived. It’s normal enough, but smoking meth.. not really eh? It was a bit dramatic. Don’t stick around to understand me. Sometimes I organize a month in 2 days sometimes, definitely my eye can look baggy and I definitely think of things more precociously when using. If my sarcastic tone is not obvious, I disagree.. I think I’m worth hearing out. Yet that’s not the stance. Point out again that it’s because I’m being stupidly unreasonable. I really wouldn’t know, which is normal. That’s why I blog. Don’t tell The Alcoholic.  10:43AM All is well. Had a tarot reading. Ha ha ha jk like I’d trust anything that sounds like carrot but only has one R. *smh*

3:39PM I found it offensive when my biological father bought me the Series of Unfortunate Events trilogy as a Christmas gift back when I was in grade 4.. but now it’s just unpresidented foresight. Nobody could have intended all this. Each event of course, at a time blah blah but THIS life? Truly. I wish 14 year old me could know that we’d eventually have plent of “accepted” reasons to feel the pain we did.. and they still wouldn’t sway the events.. nature.. and unfortunate L’s to come. Future self - it’s me - dissociated self (with the sunglasses) you’re life is unreal but so are you dude. Do whatever you do, you get through this somehow. My heart isn’t really in it.. but what choice ya got? We still have these shades and that’s a win for today. Bless up. It actually is NOT your fault. Your life never has to be here again. You got dis crazy scabbed bubble of love. Look at me. I’m your boyfriend/girlfriend now! & we gettin a puppy! 

[infpsupport]

Why INTJs are great

We can read a lot of good and bad things about INTJs. We can read that they are smart, ambitious, driven bla bla, we can also see some people saying they are just damn arrogant, completely uncaring, zero empathy, superiority complex etc. I understand that people are different within one type and we cannot classify them as everyone is different and yes sure, I agree, but INTJs, still share certain traits and I am going to talk about them in this post, so bear with me and I will try to explain why I think they are great.

So I am first going to break it down with functions, so as you maybe already now, INTJs have Ni, Te, Fi, Se and then Ne, Ti, Fe, Si.

Let’s start from extroverted functions, because this is how INTJs give first impression. So yeah, not sure how to start really, damn, but. Se. Their inferior Se makes them very careful with what experience they are giving to you because they want you to be loyal for them. Sometimes they think their effort is not appreciated and that really makes them feel bad, like they let someone down? I had that colleague, he would be telling me ‘sorry for that experience’ whereas for me it was all cool and at first I couldn’t get why he is even sorry. I mean, I see when people are trying to do something nice, even if something isn’t super perfect because for example we missed a bus or something. I mean, that doesn’t even matter. If someone doesn’t appreciate your effort then that someone is not right fr you. INTJs, I think, they very much don’t want to draw attention to themselves in some social event or situation with people they don’t know well, my colleague would let me do stuff in public with people, but I don’t mind even, just that it seems INTJs are afraid about how they are perceived. But they can give you so thoughtful gifts, out of nothing really. They will bring you food and something sweet, if they like you, they will invite you to places, will do things that you want to do. And once I realized that it is their insecurity, what experience they are giving, I was so amazed that they still are able to make them be better and better at this, and that all is for others actually. For me that was always very special. I am using past tense, because I actually refer mostly (but not only) to a particular INTJ in my life who is no longer my friend. So yeah, Se. I think being insecure makes them be less affectionate and let’s say assertive daily on how they feel and what they need, but that may be in general about everyone, we have to learn assertiveness. For me that inferior Se is beautiful, I don’t know. It is like willing to give but at the same time being scared, not sure about how that will be received so they don’t want to do that much, or want to, but not to everyone, yeah, that is better. Of course, Se is also appearance bla bla, but I don’t care that much, let’s say, but yeah INTJs are usually pretty hot I must say. Okay I am done with Se.

Now Te. So Te is I think what is just most easily visible in INTJ. This is a parent function. They want to parent others with their logic and objectiveness. At first I found myself drawn to that, I like decisive people, that can be also annoying though, it is like, stop treating me like a child, gosh. But then you realize that INTJ has actually some point, but that doesn’t make me follow it necessarily, but sometimes I kind of need it, because I myself have troubles seeing things objectively maybe... And Te actually gets stuff done, and Te is driven. You know you can rely that Te user will not only talk with you but also will be able to give you an objective advice and take some necessary action for you. It can sound harsh for some, but actually sometimes harsh is good, if it is constructive. My Te is lower in function stuck so I kind of don’t handle well when others give me orders and just cold logic, so at work it is sometimes quite annoying, but in private life I really appreciate it. My brother is ISTJ and I love his Te too. 

Yeah let’s go now to Ni. So Ni is a hero, first function for INTJ. Yeah.. something mysterious, screaming: nobody understand me, bla bla. For me I would just describe it as something very deep, but deep in this personal way. And oh I know, it is like bullshit detector. For INTJ it is with objectivity, for INFJ it is with people, detecting lies etc. INTJ are often very spiritual people, trying to be at peace with themselves, liking deep and meaningful conversations.. And again bla bla because I think that more than that they just want to be understood and that they have someone to whom they can say their things. I use Ne so I kind of search for different ideas and they are many but not well thought out and so with other Ne users it is sometimes like just jumping from one to another and it is not that in depth and less with subjective insights. INTJ will give you his insights. I think this is why Ne likes Ni and vice versa. Ne wants to share and talk about it, Ni wants to digest and give his insight. Ni is rather skeptical in INTJ (like Ti in INTP with logic, here Ni with ideas) so Ni wants to know whether the new concept is really good to be included to their framework. Ne users just enjoy ideas, they can talk about them for the sake of talking and that makes them energized. All right, maybe not for the sake of talking, they love ideas, but they treat them more superficially than Ni users. Ni will always win with Ne. Like any introverted function with extroverted one. 

Fi as a tertiary function is my favorite one. They are so protective of their feelings and often just want to appear cold (their Te) but in reality they are super sensitive, loving and caring. They are just not good with expressing it verbally (Fe blind spot) which causes them I think lots of trouble, which eh which is so bad because people often confuse their exterior ‘coldness’ for being heartless which definitely isn’t true. With their Ni they can have so profound actually understanding of the human nature and be empathetic, I see it with my INTJs. They will feel what the character in the movie feels if they can somehow relate and they have strong opinions on what is right and wrong. That Fi is so cute, as this is a child function, it is very innocent. That my INTJ ex friend would be caring to not cross the street at the right traffic light not because he doesn’t want to break the rule, but because at that particular time some kid was on the other side and by crossing the street, he would teach the kid the wrong thing. That is, well, just Fi child, wow. Generally that Fi with Ni makes INTJ look for me like a cute, black cat. My brother with child Fi is similar. He is so innocent, really, for example, my brother has a friend who got his girlfriend pregnant and they got married because of that. They were kids, like 22 years old or something. They aren’t happy now, he is very rude to her and in general treats her badly, doesn’t want to work, doesn’t care about that baby (it is like 2 - 3 years after marriage). My brother saw them arguing, tried to talk to his friend, but nothing. And then my brother confesses to me, in text of course, that he feels so bad because he saw him not being totally fair towards her before marriage, like flirting with girls and well, he called that cheating, but I am not sure what that meant. And he felt bad because he didn’t say anything and now that girl is with him and is unhappy. Eh. That my INTJ friend would feel bad for example if he made joke about someone that could be actually in some way offensive which hah I don’t really think so... It is funny how Fe tricks them. They don’t realize when they hurt, but when they don’t, they actually feel bad about that thing. 

They are super into self development and really want someone to grow with and just be together and feel safe with and spoil maybe sometimes together a bit. They like to help you. They are thoughtful. They are sensitive. They care about this world. They are yet very misunderstood and I can imagine it can be lonely for them due to Fe trickster and Se inferior. 

Now if you are still here I want to say what you can work on, yeah I did that on purpose, dragged you here :D. 

Well, I would really like if INTJ worked a bit with their Fe, I mean, to be more open to suggestions that others may be giving to them. It seems to me that they are very reluctant but sometimes people just want to help you. I found that if I rationalize why it is good about Fe more and what INTJ can do, with reasons, then INTJ can actually take it. People need people, really. INTJ would say: fuck people and society and then wonder why they are lonely. They would complain about how people are dumb, how narrow minded, how spoiled and whatever else but some knowledge about people is unfortunately necessary in life, and some feeler can help you with that, like you help with many other things. So it is to say to be just open more to suggestions about that and not feel offended. You will see the law of attraction will bring you benefits in the sphere of relationships with people, what you give, you will receive. Give kindness, and you will receive kindness. Give understanding and you will receive understanding, even if not from the same person you offered it to. 

I really love INTJs and wish them best, you will be understood and appreciated if you are not yet, I am sure, I mean, because you are awesome, right?

[bakedpieceofchicken]

5am long personal vent

dont interact with this

note: this post mentions endeavor a lot.

context (very important!): I pretty much binge-read an entire tumblr user’s meta posts and I found them interesting and very informative. 

I also read through their salt tag and now I’m compelled to gather my thoughts together considering the literal title I’ve held for months now is “Hawks is a lov member already”. I’m extremely socially awkward, even on this online platform, so I’m not going to mention the aforementioned tumblr user’s name because I’m too anxiety-ridden to try to contact them. This is in no way shape or form an attack on the person’s opinions nor their character. It’s me... rambling about my thoughts about their opinions at 4 am. 

Is it defending myself? Well, not really, because I don’t feel personally attacked. Just because we have a difference of opinion doesn’t mean we have to resort to attacking each other. I found their opinions thought-provoking and wanted to pick my own brain... I picked this time purposely so nobody would see this post :eyes: so like uhm yeah

note 2: “you” refers to unnamed tumblr user. sorry about weird point of view...

anyways let’s get into the meat 

villain hawks

yay or... nay...?

Well, in fanon it would be such a fun idea to play around with. Personally I think there’s potential for League of Villain interactions with Hawks. I would LOVE to see Hawks interacting with the other pro heroes, but the only pro-to-pro interaction we get with Hawks is between Hawks and Endeavor. Because the atmosphere between the pro-heroes feels... disconnected.

Now, hear me out.

Let’s contrast it with the idealized version of hero society provided in future fics. Or hell, comparing the top ten pro heroes to Class 1-A itself. We want to think all the heroes are friendly with each other and have some sort of camaraderie with each other

But Horikoshi doesn’t present it like that. 

The closest thing to that we get is Endeavor and Hawks. Other than that, the atmosphere between hawks and the other heroes seem more strained or tense (the whole miruko hawks thing is fanon). And even then, it’s... well... Endeavor and Hawks don’t truly know each other. Hawks only knows the public perception and image of Endeavor, which is the only thing he’s been given while Endeavor doesn’t truly knows Hawks either. I’m not saying the interactions are fake, but... would Hawks be acting the way he was if he knew about Endeavor’s past?

No. I don’t have any predictor to how differently Hawks would act, but I definitely sense there’d be a lot of disappointment and loss of respect for the man he was rooting for. To what extent? Would Hawks just be in complete disbelief? Or would he react with immediate anger? There are parallels to Hawks and Todoroki Rei--both were picked from the crowd and had their lives controlled because of their “value” determined by Endeavor/The Hero Commission respectively.

But honestly from an objective standpoint, I have nothing to go off of other than the fact that Hawks deeply respects and idolizes Endeavor the most out of anyone in the manga we’ve seen and the fallout of that would be of an equally shattering magnitude...

Ahh i went off on a tangent. the point is... do we really know Hawks? Does Hawks ever get a chance to just.. be himself? Maybe we see a bit of that shine when he’s alone with Endeavor, but as we saw clearly in chapter 186 he puts on a care-free facade for his fans. But in reality... he’s always working because he’s one of the hero commission’s greatest assets. 

and... here’s where our opinions clash. I truly, in the depths of my heart, believe that Hawks is building a reality where heroes have more free time comes from a more selfish desire for himself. Don’t get me wrong--I don’t want to disservice what Hawks has done for society. But also it feels like he’s the type who overworks himself because he feels moral obligation to society when... technically he doesn’t owe anything to society. 

Yes, in superhero shows and whatnot, it’s usually a positive trait that “hey this person’s been born with an amazing power and they’ve chosen to use it for the greater good! Look what they’re sacrificing!!!” But let’s say theoretically that person decides “hey i don’t want to be a hero i just want to be a writer!” Are they morally wrong for deciding not to be a hero even though they would theoretically be good at it? Even though it’s not something they want for themselves?

Because I don’t think Hawks wants to be a hero. But he also doesn’t want people to die. He’s tied himself with these moral obligations to the point where he can’t leave now because he feels it would be selfish of him to. And that is speculation, but Horikoshi isn’t exactly spelling it out for us! So, that’s how I interpret Hawks’ character. Yes, he is a true hero in that he wants to save as many people as he can, even at the cost of his pride his dignity his fucking freedom...

but also, he never wished for that. he never asked to be one who has to deal with all of this. But now that he is, what choice does he have? 

So, yes, we agree on that. But I also feel that his personal desire plays as big of a part. Because we, as humans, naturally want things for ourselves. Our personal desire for ourselves shouldn’t be downplayed at all! That’s why I believe his inner thoughts are worded “more free time” rather than “make society more safe”. Because he has his priorities! He wants the best of both worlds-- it’s a form of negotiation. He can still play the hero and less lives would be taken but he can also having some breathing room for himself like he’s always wanted.

To free himself just a little bit from the stressful life of being a hero. 

There is nothing wrong with being motivated by personal desires. Hawks is one of the most grounded heroes we’ve seen--I think he’s cynical enough that he’s self aware of this selfish desire for a freer life. And it’s selfish to him only because he knows that it would never happen without the expense of a few lives-- lives that he knew he would never forgive himself for letting slip.

I think it’s a toxic mindset.

Because as heroic as placing others above yourself... that attitude is completely unhealthy and I don’t think it should be celebrated. What I want to see from Hawks’ natural progression as a character is recognizing that it’s okay to prioritize yourself. Hell, Midoriya learned this during the summer training arc and failed to retain that lesson during the Overhaul arc! THESE HEROES DON’T TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES!!! (ok i get midoriya’s trying). 

And if it’s selfish to desire more free time for yourself off from work, is it really that wrong of someone to do so? To want more control over your life? To want to do things you want to do rather than what others want you to do?

What does this have to do with villain Hawks? Well, I think a large desire for villain hawks is because it shows the departure of that mindset! Hawks doesn’t need to be confined to his hero persona anymore, he can finally do things he wants to do and be the free bird he’s always wanted to be.

But him becoming a complete villain is... far-fetched. This myself I recognize. I’ve only written villain!hawks once and that was because he snapped after the hero commission executed shigaraki and dabi as a show of power rather than going through the effort of trying to re-integrate the men back into hero society. I don’t want to go too deep because this isn’t the point I’m trying to make, but Hawks realizes how power-obsessed society is to the point where he doubts the legitimacy of the hero commission itself and what they do for society and its people.

But, again, that’s not going to ever happen in canon so I won’t bring it up another time. The point I was trying to make is yeah, you’re right that Hawks would never become a villain. He wouldn’t become a murderer- if he does, he definitely needs more incentive than what we can go off from canon.

And ohhh boy here we go, reaching the erm elephant in the room.

(These are the points made in the salt tag btw)

Is Villain!Hawks just an excuse to write hotwings? And what is the plausibility of Hawks turning to villainy? Would Endeavor being exposed as a child abuser be the trigger if Hawks were to turn villain at some point in the story?

Eh...

I don’t know if I even want to go into the whole “this is just an excuse to make hawks and dabi evil boyfriends” because I’ve never used villain!hawks as justification for that personally. And I’m actually not as attached to hotwings as I am to something like shigahawks... I don’t have any points to counteract this other than my desire to see Hawks interact with the entire league. Because it would be fun to see him interact in an environment he’s not wholly familiar with. With Endeavor or the other heroes or even the hero commission, he has some semblance of control or understanding so he thinks/acts like he knows what’s going on. 

Meanwhile, the League is a huge mess and they don’t have their shit together and wouldn’t it be funny to see Hawks as a part of their crew suffering with them!!! Well, that’s bias. My bias. For fanon. And for the jokes. So sad :(

So... I don’t just want to see more Dabi and Hawks interaction. I want to see more Hawks and League interaction. or just more hawks and anyone interactions overall. maybe thats all i crave

Actually going through the points one by one, let’s talk plausibility.

I already talked about villain!hawks being a... departure from Hawks’ faults in his own character. But it is pretty extreme, I’ll admit. If Hawks were ever to join the League of Villains, he’d probably never use killing as first resort. As we’ve seen in chapter 220, it’s not like the League targets only heroes... but i get the salt tag was made like 5 months ago so it’s not like new information hasn’t been released at the time of posting.

Reminds me of domestichobgoblins’ shigadabihawks fic where shigaraki even acknowledges “Whatever bullshit you’ve been telling Dabi, you aren’t a killer either, are you? So what, exactly, am I supposed to do with you?” And you know? The both are you are right. Hawks isn’t a killer and he wouldn’t become a killer willingly... unless he was pushed by some other greater force but I’m not here to address any of that. He could still provide support to the league in other ways, arguably, or just joining the league could be some kind of message to the heroes or supporters of hero society.

You are right to a degree. Hawks’ sole motivator to become a villain wouldn’t be because “OH ENDEAVOR IS AN ABUSER GUESS I GOTTA TURN EVIL NOW”.

Okay pushing past that, so why would Hawks be motivated to become a villain? In canon? I’ve already warped a lot of this post with my own fanon but I’m trying to keep within the realm of canon for this point specifically since you could take a second to push Hawks over the edge in fanon and be done with it. But why would Horikoshi specificially do it?

The fact is hero society sucks. A lot. And I think Hawks recognizes that fact being the most “grounded” and cynical of the bunch. His views and visions of hero society aren’t warped by fantasies and such (which is probably why he doesn’t like All Might...) so he understands what’s happening around him. He understands the mechanisms of hero society and how “valuable” quirks are viewed as in their capitalist society.

But also, he doesn’t  have that much of an option other than trying to lessen the burden placed upon him. Because he’s a single man, and even with his influence, he can’t change society. He’s powerless to do so, even considering who he is. He’s seen as a role model to those in society, but it’s because of his ranking that ironically fuels why people even look up to him: denouncing that would be kind of silly considering it’s the reason why people would listen in the first place.

And this is the point where I say... Shigaraki had a point. Hero society is flawed. It shouldn’t be so reliant on one person to carry it all.

But also hero society itself is bullshit. The ranking system? Horrible. The fact that the hero commission views them as tools for their own disposal? Horrible. The mere fact they basically bribe Hawks into becoming a hero? Like? “Hey kid you’re the best at being a hero so that’s what you should do. we’re only going to give you financial support if you become a hero so you might as well” like what is Hawks supposed to do in that sort of situation? Of course he’s going to succumb to the pressure.

I don’t believe in this whole “sacrifice for the greater good” bullshit. If Hawks wants to be a hero, that’s a whole another story, but if Hawks doesn’t, then he shouldn’t have been forced into that role. It’s about agency--it’s about letting him decide for himself if it’s what he wants to do. And it’s... a gray area for morality. “It’d be selfish for him to let people die!” Who is in the right to say whether or not he should use his “powers” for others’ sake? Me? You? The Hero commission?

So if Horikoshi goes down the path of “hey hero society is extremely bad and needs to change” and Hawks recognizes the League as a proponent for that change, then with a lot of development, it’s plausible in the future. I understand that Hawks, as of what we currently see, is too upheld by his own morals to ever even think about crossing that line, but people change. Hell, you recognized how the High End arc changed Endeavor and made miles of metas about it.

So, is it really far-fetched to say villain!Hawks is just a dream?

Maybe I’m a fool or an optimist, but I’d love to see Horikoshi take that path. Not because I’m horny for evil boyfriends, but it’d be a nice change of pace and we’d get to see a complete contrast of Hawks’ experiences. And it wouldn’t be easy-it’d had to be done right. Just like Endeavor’s redemption arc--if Horikoshi is still planning it. (Let’s be honest: High End Arc was not a formal redemption. I think it was Horikoshi letting the readers know “there might be something worth saving in Endeavor!” but i digress because i don’t care enough about endeavor (his character and redemption has 0 appeal to me and thats FINE. YOU DO YOU AND I DO ME, I only talk about him when it’s essential to talk about the influence he has on characters I DO care about).

As to why people like to characterize the moment Hawks decides to quit being a villain being attributed to Hawks learning Endeavor is an abuser...

The fallout, as mentioned earlier, could vary. A lot. Hawks really looked up to Endeavor when he was young. Again, shattering to find out something so nasty about the one you idolized.

To know that the one Hawks looked up used his wife just like how the hero commission used Hawks. Like an object or tool at their disposal. 

Would he be vengeful or spiteful towards Endeavor personally? To others, probably yes. To me? I’m kind of in the “eh” skeptical ballpark so I guess we somewhat agree on that. To me, Endeavor being exposed as an abuser would  crush that small slither of childish hope that hero society represents something bigger than themselves. Did Hawks ever get to have the childhood Deku had where he was still cheering on the heroes from behind the screen, or did it get crushed just as quickly when he realized how hero society truly works?

Because hero society isn’t bigger than themselves. It shouldn’t be idolized so heavily as it is presented in BNHA.

At least, not in its current state. And people who don’t fit in that group or agree with its ideals suffer the consequences. Like Shigaraki. Like Twice and Spinner. Like Gentle.

These are all villains that are products of society that promised to stamp out villains. And when Hawks realizes that it’s just a never ending cycle where the people left in between the cracks are the ones who perpetuate the system itself...

Like you said, Hawks sees the bigger picture. And his goal is to lessen the burden of the workload for heroes. There will never be a shortage of everyday criminals using their quirks for petty crimes but what about the bigger picture organizations? How are they going to be stopped? What about examining the root core of the problem and going from there? No more short-term solutions to problems... What can Hawks, mighty number two hero, do even at the expense of himself? Hmm... 

I don’t know, just some food for thought. Something I’ve seen done for villain!hawks is the hero commission throwing Hawks under the bus for some reason and Hawks either a) joins the league to gleam more information but finds himself willing to stay or b) has nowhere else to go and it’s more of a push for Hawks to orbit towards the League.

I am really thankful for your thoughts! Even though we don’t agree on things, I think discussion is still possible (whenever my anxiety stops bashing me in the head) and I’m always willing to accept I may be wrong about something. At this point in time (3/27/2019), we have less than 10 chapters released that centers around Hawks, but he’s certainly intrigued a lot of people considering he’s already #4 in popularity from so little chapters released! I think he and his introduction to BNHA represent the more cynical side of hero society that we haven’t been able to properly see from Deku’s perspective!

And I’m interested in what direction Horikoshi is going to take Hawks’ character in! The one thing I’m truly against is Hawks staying the “good little hero” in the end--whether he dies, becomes a villain, or hell even just stops being a hero is good enough for me. Free the bird or kill him off is what I’d want to see. That’d be enough of a character arc for me. Characters change, and it’d be silly to expect Hawks to stay the same especially since he has a lot of baggage on his shoulders and his current situation as a double agent for the League is precarious--despite him stating that he was willing to sacrifice his own reputation for the good of everyone, there’s no guarantee that he wouldn’t feel at least some degree of hurt over losing the respect of everyone and his colleagues. 

My thoughts are pretty clunky but maybe someone was able to gleam something from my stupid 5 am vent...

I love Dabihawks, even though I’m not as invested in it as say Shigahawks or ShigaDabiHawks (which I’m sure you’d definitely have objections to considering your other salt posts... but not something I want to address here), and I still think DabiHawks is a great ship more so because of the dynamic than the aesthetic. But hey, you ship what you ship, you are allowed to express your disdain for the ship--I’ve certainly expressed my own disdain for the your ship in the past--and your salt posts which probably took like 10 minutes to type out provoked me to type out my own thoughts which took like 2 hours to fully process. Like I said earlier: you do you, I do me.

And again-- I’m not trying to “defend” here nor am I trying to “attack”. I just had things I wanted to say and I hope I DON’T have the attitude of someone looking down on you, because I think you have very valid opinions and thoughts and sometimes discourse can just be healthy discussions about how we interpret different characters. We are literally squeezing everything we can out of one character we love and there’s enough room for different interpretations of the same character ^^ If anything, I actually look up to you, which is why I’m too much of a coward to send this to you because oh my god i am so embarrassed about a lot of the shit that comes out of my mouth and i constantly worry about if im saying wrong things even though im open to people telling me why  im wrong about said things. 

tdlr; villains hawks very good. has nothing to do with dabihawks. villain hawks very good on its own. I agree with tumblr user on a lot of things, yet we see differently on other things. The world keeps spinning--I think it’s more interesting to address differences in opinions rather than ignore them. 

(the person this post was meant for will probably never see this unless i send it to them to whcih im like oh my god what if they roast me to hell and back despite me claiming yes i amn ot trying to destroy them or their reputation i just want to talk about this because i had fun trying to think about why i love villain hawks so much aaaaa maybe i am just a delusional fangirl but im also a delusional fangirl who wrote multiple paragraphs about this so... /shrug)

end. again please dont interact. if you want to talk to me about it, inbox/dm me but i dont want this post to get notes. thank you. hides what have I done... 

this has been sorta meta but not really just chicken fucking around at 6 am and good night. maybe sometime in the next... month... ill have the courage to send this to the tumblr user. maybe when i have confidence... or maybe when i make mel look this over. that was a joke- she couldnt even finish my other meta piece which was shorter than this. :)

[wahoo-stomp]

I’ve never really been a big listener to One Direction.

Okay. That’s a lie. I literally don’t listen to One Direction. Got nothing against them – just never really had any interest, and my music tastes are…limited. So I was more than a little surprised when my Spotify playlist led to a 1D song in the Year of Our Lord 2019. I know Spotify can sometimes select a song that it thinks you’ll like based on what you listen to – but the artist I’d been listening to wasn’t even in the same genre. So imagine my surprise when I’m greeted with—

You're insecure Don't know what for You're turning heads when you walk through the door.

Okay first of all, what?

This is roughly when I reached for my phone to change the song, but then my brain did that thing where it went “eh what the heck” and I let it play a little longer. It didn’t take long for me to see that this is one of many songs with a theme of the singer talking to someone and telling them they’re more attractive than they realize. It’s not the most original concept, but there was nothing particularly offensive to me about this iteration of it, so I let the song continue further. I admit I like pop styled tunes, probably because of a whole bunch of stuff a music theorist could better explain than I can, so it was fun to listen to – and then suddenly something jumped out at me.

I hardly believe I’m saying this, but I’m going to recommend listening to the song to see what I’m talking about if you don’t know it, and NO, this isn’t a plug for a defunct boy band.

Okay, you’ve listened to the point where they go “If only you saw what I can see—” you can pause it there. 

So far the artists have stuck to what I would call pleasant but superficial comments. Hair flicking is…not really anything that stands out to me, since frankly I care more about eyes and anyways we’re talking from the perspective of a guy who might be asexual and aromantic (can I say that? I’m still trying to figure it out, so I’m not sure I’m right anyway and hopefully I didn’t irk anyone just now). Lighting up the world, yada yada yada. Heard it all before, will hear it again. But then, when the line mentioned above played, my attention was instantly grabbed.

Now before I explain why that is the case, I’m gonna let ya’ll in on a little secret. I’m super, super duper, super duper duper insecure. I know, right? You never would have guessed*. Nah, but all joking aside, one of the things I struggle with most is a feeling of…worth. Now I do have people in my life who tell me they love me – I have friends who (I think) think pretty highly of me, and I have a job and am overall doing okay for a millennial trying to survive as a liberal arts major in this economic nightmare we call “capitalism.” But even all that granted, I struggle everyday with the idea that I’m really worthy of love or interest or anything along that line. This is largely because I am acutely aware of my faults, including the ones I (gasp) try to hide from others. Fact is, I have a scrolling list of ways in which I bungle things, sometimes daily, and it’s not all that easy to see myself as valuable when I have said list.

*You literally guessed after three seconds.

I can hear you saying “no one is perfect, Josh.” Yeah, I know. Heck, the characters in my other blogs are learning that as we speak (even though I think Rocky is pretty darn close). Still doesn’t keep me from berating myself. Sometimes, if we’re totally honest, the internal and external pressures I face are nearly enough to make me give up on myself as a lost cause.

“Okay, um, this is depressing. Does it get better?”

Well, I have one more thing to add. I’m a Christian.

*cue sirens*

Christians are a scary bunch to some folks, and, uh, I don’t always blame them. Some people claiming to represent Jesus suck immensely at it and there is an extensive list of people who do so that I wish I could just tell to shut up. But, with your permission, we’ll skip over the common stereotypes associated with radical Christianity and, for now, summarize my faith perspective as the following statement – I see God as my friend, and I believe the converse is true.

Good. We’ve got that out of the way.

Here’s the problem. If my faith is to be believed, God knows me inside and out – meaning God knows what an idiot I can be. That’s disconcerting. That’s unnerving. That’s freakin’ terrifying – not because I expect God to drop a bolt of lightning on my face (again, not that kind of “Christian”), but for the same reason I don’t tell all of YOU how messy I can be – I don’t want you to hate me or give up on me and decide I’m not worth it.

Okay. That’s a lot of laundry, but I promise I’m getting to a point.

When I say I see God as a friend, I recognize how that might sound. Many faith traditions not only disagree with that statement, but disagree on the nature of God, period. I’m not here to argue with those folks. Disagreement and respect are compatible. If you don’t mind hearing me out, though, perhaps my perspective on God in relation to a 1D song will provide you with either (a) some encouragement or (b) the final confirmation you need that I am in fact a lunatic. We shall see.

If only you saw what I can see You'll understand why I want you so desperately Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe You don't know You don't know you're beautiful!

Okay, that rolls off the tongue well. What does it have to do with what I mentioned above? Well, if I may be allowed to withdraw a sample (emphasis on sample, I strongly encourage reading the full context of this thing) from the pre-Christian writings of Scripture, more specifically the book of Psalms, chapter 139, verses 17 and 18:

“How precious to me are your thoughts, God!    How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them,    they would outnumber the grains of sand—    when I awake, I am still with you.”

“Okay, great. Where’s the connection?”

Well, although this particular piece doesn’t mention it, there are a variety of instances in scriptural writ where God’s thoughts towards people, be they individuals or nations, are referenced as positive. (Yes, there are negative examples too, often stated as part of a judgment passage, but I am not skilled in the subject of God’s judgment and will not attempt to go into depth on it right now). The chapter at large acknowledges God’s presence throughout the writers life, even predating birth. For the record, the writer of this particular Psalm, was, uh, messed up. David did some stuff right but whoa nelly he really did some screwball stuff (to put it incredibly lightly) – so we’re not looking at someone who’s perfect when he talks about God’s thoughts.

If we take this piece of writing, therefore, and slightly change the perspective of the speaker…we might end up with a (rather less cliché sounding) 1D song. Now before someone burns me at the proverbial stake, let me clarify what I mean. (NO, I’m not equating holy writ with pop music, promise.)

Let us assume, that these positive examples of God’s thoughts, can be applied to ourselves – or to you and me, to bring it home. If this is the case, when we regard ourselves as unworthy of love, or not valuable, or ugly (a struggle for me personally) or whatever else, is it entirely unreasonable that God’s reaction might be something along the lines of the chorus above?

I think that if we refer back even earlier to that venerable writ in the Torah known as Genesis, we can encounter God’s initial thought on the creation of humankind. Essentially, “It was very good (1:31).”

(For the record, it goes downhill from there as far as the whole “being good” thing goes, but for that moment, at least, God was pretty excited with the state of humankind.)

So let us now take the (limited) textual context and apply it to the, song, taking some creative license (and removing any romantic preconceptions).

Dear one I’d light up the world for nobody else To see a smile on your face makes me smile as well No matter what you may think it’s not hard to tell I still know, oh oh You are just so beautiful If only you saw what I can see You’ll understand why I care for you constantly Right now I’m looking at you and I can’t believe You don’t know – you are just so beautiful.

Okay, now here’s something I feel obligated to clarify. I’m not a fan of fluffy faith. I’m also not a fan of reducing suffering and emotional struggle to a single sentence. Band-aid solutions and glib encouragement irk me. So I am not pretending for a moment that I know what anyone reading this is going through. Really, I’m just writing something for myself and hoping that something in it provides encouragement for others.

Essentially, I believe God’s perception of our value is not tied to ours, and I’m encouraged by the idea that someone smarter than me knows just what I’m capable of, and loves me despite all my dirty laundry.

That doesn’t mean I recommend using 1D as a source of spiritual encouragement.

I do recommend considering the possibility that your favorite love song or the things that encourage you could very well be used by God to try to communicate God’s thoughts to you. Furthermore, I do recommend acknowledging your value is not caught up in only your perspective, and that there are so many ways in which you are valued…beautiful, that you may not even see.

After all, perfection isn’t attainable – but if you don’t dismiss something because it’s imperfect, why would God?

Everyone else in the room can see it, Maybe it’s time you did too.

[dwestfieldblog]

THERE IS NO SAFE WORD

ATEH MALKUTH, VE-GEBURAH, VE-GEDULLAH, LE-OLAHM...

Anybody who understands my music will never be unhappy again. Beethoven. That sounds like a cue for a song...and here it is...

Well, now we know the actual defined amount of stubborn dumb stupidity for sure in America. Over 70 million morons. Loved seeing Trump jr call on his dad to wage ‘Total war’ (A phrase Goebbels used in Berlin 1943 when the allies were approaching... and we know how that ended, go on Big Don, do the honourable thing for the first time in your foul life.) Junior also said ‘It’s time to clean up this mess and stop looking like a banana republic’. Why yes son, it is, so off you all pop. Daddy is busy implanting his loyalists in the Pentagon and already thinking of running in 2024 but by then he should either be in prison or in exile on a tiny freezing Scottish island with a one hole golf course where he can still cheat. Seems likely he, family and their backers are planning to make good use of their through the looking glass rabies crazed sheep and continue to destabilize America for the Kremlin. Loved that the orange psychopath tweeted early ‘I WON THIS ELECTION, BY A LOT!’ and watched as he demanded all votes be counted...and the more they were, the more he lost by. HILARIOUS.

And his call to arms to ‘Stand back and stand by’ to The Proud Boys, who are not far right Nazi thugs at all no sir. To misuse Hunter S Thompson’s genius for the hundredth time, I hope that this is where the wave (of populist filth Trump has been riding) finally breaks and rolls back. But over 70 million morons say different. The 80 million who voted for the other guy must be happy there are so many who can clean the streets and fill the shelves at food shops. Education needs to be improved in America and Britain next year, a ‘LOT’.

January 20th 2021...Celebrate with joy the end of a despotic douche bag...allow the world to feel lighter. Republicans, you should feel ashamed. America, this bastard has been undoing your Constitution like a prom queen’s girdle for a button mushroom quickie rape for four years and couldn’t have cared less about Covid and how many of you died...as he said ‘It is what it is’. So SAD!!!! Arf. Donald, you are and were nothing more than a spoiled five year old brat with as much empathy for humanity as a lizard. A banishing ritual will need to be performed in around the White House...call up the Native Indians, the witches and South Park and cleanse the area of astral poison. The swamp will be drained when the deranged incubus’s entire family of scheming wannabe aristocrats vacates for good.And don’t let him sit at a little table to pardon them and himself.Lowlifes...speaking of whom...

It has taken a lot to make me smile this year (what, you too huh?) but seeing Rudy Giuliani giving a press conference between a porn book store and a funeral parlour in a parking lot did it. The T family, Jared, Rudy, Pompeo, Paula White (the Unchristian millionaire), the slurring ‘star witness’ Melissa Carone, spokeswoman Kayleigh with her cute little cross and all the rest of those despicable liars must all be flushed down the drains, no second chances, repentance or absolution.And as for Dr Scott Atlas telling the American public to ‘rise up’ against the safety measures called for by the state against Covid...A doctor telling you to ignore the rule against large indoor gatherings etc. A doctor.RISE UP? 12 million cases in the US as of mid November...254 thousand dead. That number is rising fast. Good luck from keeping the world falling on you Atlas, Wonder what the orange one offered him to blab such stinking dung. Another doctor with a hypocritical oath.

The smug toad Steve Bannon on yet another shitestirring podcast,spoke about beheading virologist Dr Fauci and the Director of the FBI Christopher Wray...‘I’d put the heads on pikes, right. I’d put them at the two corners of the White House as a warning to federal bureaucrats, you either get with the programme or you are gone.’Twitter banned him outright (and how long did that take?) but the ever wonderful facebook didn’t think that advocating murder online like any other good fundamentalist was reason enough. They believe in the first amendment, hurrah for the robot Zuckerberg.Like? Dislike? Delete, good luck.

And meanwhile the EU budget, involving 673 billion pounds for Covid connected concerns has been blocked by the continuing charming behaviour of Hungary and Poland. And why would they do that at this time of dire need? Why, because the release of the funds is dependent upon the rule of actual law in each of the countries to which the money is allocated. They have some very naughty politicians there who are upset about this and the darlings have taken it personally. These men could well be directly responsible for hundreds of unnecessary deaths. Hungary’s PM Orban said the clause would ‘jeopardise trust’ between member states. Well pal, they already don’t trust you due to your actions in the last ten years over freedom of speech, assembly, judges etc etc.

The Polish ‘Justice’ minister said the clause was ‘...really an institutional political enslavement, a radical limitation of sovereignty’. Sounds like Nigel Farage.(btw, Love that he lost 10 thousand pounds betting on his golden mate to win the US Presidential election. Oh well, you can pick that up fast enough from taking the Euros you rail against eh? Got to relish the classic two faced double English standards he stoops so low to wave so high) Anyway, I digress, if it seems unfair to Poland and Hungary that they act more like actual democracies rather than extremist populist swine, perhaps they should also leave the EU and team up with Mother Russia and Uncle China.Again, Vladimir must be well pleased with how Europe and America are collapsing.

Belarus...the ‘police’ are beating up women, using stun grenades on unarmed pensioners and teens. These are not police and have nothing to do with any law other than that of the jungle. Lukashenko is their Trump, a man who always swore his country would be independent of Russia and then accepts 1.5 billion dollars in loans. Good luck with paying back the interest with your soul Alex, needs must when the Devil drives eh? Loved how those loyal to the dictator described the protestors as truants and transsexuals’. 150,000 of them? Seems a lot. But never mind, hired thugs and sadists are always easy to come by, whatever the country and whatever the year. Easy work and fun if you enjoy it, conscience free. Sure they are just trying to feed their families.

China wants a global QR Covid code, making tracking humans even easier via their brilliant technology. Let’s see who falls for that one, would you want yet more personal data known by those who created the virus and shot their own children? (For the record, I do not think Covid was taken over there and released by enemy agents and I certainly don’t think it was created by accident any more than the updated version will be.) Making a fortune out of others’ misfortune seems quite like disaster capitalism for communists.  Drug companies will be hoping the 19 virus will ‘mutate’ to 21 and 22 in order that we will all need annual vaccines.

Prague, on the anniversary of the Czechoslovakian Velvet Revolution on November 17th, 250,000 march against their PM, (an ex informer to the communists) who has been Premier for too many years...another rich businessman deep in corruption scandals, I loved his comment after witnessing the thousands that he didn’t ‘understand’ why they were doing it. That said, there were many protesting against the use of...face masks. Ok, by all means choose not to wear them. Then stay the hell away from everyone else until you are vaccinated and don’t you dare go to hospital when you fall ill. Deal?

Englerland...The manic baldhead liar Cummings has at last been kicked out of Downing Street and a fine and noble advisor he was to the PM eh? Herd immunity my arse. Seems possible he might work for Farrage and continue destroying the system from within. Fnord. God help us all, the ‘UK’ is hosting the United Nations Climate Change conference in November 2021 and taking the presidency of the G7 in January...with Boris at the helm? Nobody takes this blustering useless lying cretin seriously unless their jobs depend on him. Tory supporters, what does it take for you to see reason, how much evidence of unending failure? At very least replace the Chumocracy rampant in the government or Doom, damnation, despair, death and more doom will repeat.Nice to see we get the vaccine tested on us first...guinea pigs are safer for the rest of the world on an island...

Fascinated to see that 20m pounds were not available for poor children’s free school meals but 21 million in taxpayers’ money for a go between businessman to get PPE (piss poor excuse/personal protection equipment) for NHS staff, was. How much did the go between pocket? 55 thousand dead in UK, fifth in the world,so proud of the levels of national intelligence and Govermental planning. Brexit and Covid in a double whammy with the most incompetent and corrupt government in my lifetime. As John Lydon used to rant on a perfect loop;’ This is what you want, this is what you get’. Possibly I am abusing his actual meaning, sorry Johnny. No future for the UK...None for me anyway...

Was the UK and America’s snowflake nonsense, seeded with the birth of instagram, tik tok et al/ forums with young folk seeking approval from their peers and feeling important when they were ‘Liked’? A few years later in the (ha ha) real world, they are easily insulted by others who do not find them having much depth or value. Kids’, being ‘liked’ is not the same as being respected, or loved. Pretend alpha males, being feared is not respect either.

‘Since words contain both denotations (referents in the sensory-existential world) and connotations (emotional tones or rhetorical hooks) humans can be moved to action, even by words which have no real meaning or reference in actuality. This is the mechanism of demagoguery, advertising and much of organised religion’ RAW. It also explains why, in tandem with tones, symbols and an altered brain speed,directed Will can cause change in ‘realities’. The litany of ritual, the mantras of magick and images focused to fire with the Tantric arrow. Oops, missed again. Anyway...back to the negativity☺‘

...as population increases, wages fall but later prices increase....and the relation between them –is to be considered the index of revolutionary potential...and can be predicted as precisely as eclipses in astronomy’. Robert Anton Wilson, The Widow’s Son (Hilaritas Press) 1985.

Thanks to Covid, hundreds of thousands of businesses have collapsed; the jobless or part timers are unable to pay rent or feed their families...and receive little or no support from governments who have either pocketed their taxes or just given rewards and contracts to their friends. The overload stress levels and knock on effect on those who had the virus and still suffer -or those who could not get into hospital for treatment will be massive. Every populist knows there has never been a better time to manipulate the fear and anger of the masses. Demonstrations, riots and harsher laws will spread each creating their own chain reaction.Watch out for Nationalists pointing fingers, don’t buy their snake oil. Avoid giving groups like QAnon any of your energy, paranoia is a creepy way to live and a sleazy way to die.

Ten months of reading emails which come across like distress signals or suicide notes from friends or that scene in Interstellar when the son knows his father could be dead by the time the message gets through. BUT...‘Help may arrive invisibly and unexpectedly from unknown sources’. Be open to this. Be sensitive and attuned to quantum parallels, there is a reaction going on to all the uff and crud, sidestep, step to the side... Allwhere and all now. You don’t need to ‘believe’ this, just be aware, sense it.

TANA, ORPHEUS, ARADIA, LUCIFER (or Robin, Marian, Orfee, Bride, all ye gentry come from Side)...Protection and guides, projected archetypes created by our minds and evolved by themselves...

We, as a species, exist in a world in which exists a myriad of data points. Upon these matrices of points we superimpose a structure and the world makes sense to us. The pattern of the structure originates within our biological and sociological properties.Persinge and Lafreniere.1977.

The intelligence should direct the will. Aquinas. The light of the body is the eye; if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body will be full of light. Matt6:22.

Have tied the last five years together and I have a feeling my time in this country is coming to an end, give it seven months perhaps. Thank you for reading, hope some was entertaining...Withe much Love from Donkey Oti, and Onan the Barbarian, stay healthy, wishing you the best Christmas and 2021 possible, Ba-ra-ka, Et in Arcadia Ego . Love, always.