#then this post is your sign to experience its joy and whatever shit they make me feel

[pcholkachai]

aai2 spoilers

manosoutaisms ^_^ more doodles under the cut

guys be honest with me. is this curable. a bit embarrassed to let a yaoi have me in such a grip

[vacantgodling]

i’m just gonna make this bullet points bc i’ve not the time to be eloquent

the thesis of what i saw was “suffering isn’t character development because after a point it’s gratuitous, boring, and if they’re constantly tortured what are they developing from”

and as someone who isn’t particularly a fan of what most people nowadays call this (whump) ig, here’s me weighing in on the war on whump in favor of it in its theoretical form:

people can do whatever they want forever. even if it’s shit you don’t like. someone writing gratuitous, “boring”, overdone torture porn is not affecting you and your life. there is no need for “concern” as the post said. most people who write this shit are just people. even if they do have something that makes them act or feel things in a certain way that doesn’t mean you can or should deprive them of the joy that’s making art in any of its forms; whimsical or horrific, whether you like it or not.

as someone who again, doesn’t like it particularly either, i am once again tapping the sign that i keep having to drag out anytime i see shit like this: preferences aren’t advice. they are preferences. unless you are seeking to help the person do what they’re trying to accomplish your input is invalid. i bring up that i don’t like it because listen i can tell these thoughts were said as a knee jerk reaction to seeing shit you don’t like. and i get it, i feel the same way but

disengage with shit you don’t like. don’t hate watch or hate read anything. don’t be daft.

stop the assumption that character development is always positive. negative character development also exists and is common in day to day life. people are shaped by the experiences they have. they cannot develop from anything if there are no experiences to warrant the developing. saying that “suffering isn’t character development” is like me saying that consequences for driving 100 miles an hour into oncoming traffic don’t exist. they do.

i understand wanting levity. i don’t like whump solely because i can’t sit through endless suffering. but that doesn’t mean i think there isn’t character development. if a character goes through strife and trials and tribulations that changes them. usually for worse in this scenario. that’s. still. development. like the argument you have doesn’t even hold up.

to provide you an example, much of my life between the ages of 19-22 was straight suffering. like i was having a Bad Time my g. and those behaviors, patterns, defense mechanisms, coping strategies, and attitudes are still things i have with me to this day. not all of them are healthy. not all of them are positive. but they exist in response to the shit that i’ve faced.

it’s not even like endless suffering isn’t a real thing like my guy go anywhere in the world and i guarantee in every city you’ll find people suffering in ways you didn’t even think were possible. not that it’s good. but it’s not Unrealistic per se.

fiction and reality aren’t equal btw and allowing people to explore dark fantasies and ideas in the safe place of stories and fiction is more healthy than trying to suppress or shame people into not thinking about it or talking about it. humans will always be creatures of “what if”

finally, again, i reiterate that not every story is supposed to be happy (requiem for a dream is harrowing for instance. just endless suffering. but there Is a lot of character development. it’s just all Bad. and guess what, that’s the point!! its supposed to show the horrors of addiction and it worked. but i will never watch it again. same thing with bedeviled. or hell half the horror genre. even very popular titles like game of thrones get popular and are just cesspools of suffering. it’s safer to read and watch it than live it. i’d rather us do that).

and also, FINALLY finally. your preferences aren’t writing advice stop it. *spritzes with water*

[ffangirlingsince2001]

The Witcher and the Princess: Smoldering

Geralt x Reader

Geralt of Rivia is not a babysitter, he is not a bodyguard, and he has no interest in transporting princesses across the continent. Until gold is offered and for the next 90 days he’s saddled with a chirpy, bubbly, princess, who is betrothed to the prince of Narok and has a desire to see everything before she’s trapped behind another set of walls.

Warnings: Language, angst, sad fluff

She came downstairs with bloody knuckles and a brooding attitude. He half expected her to wander away and find a table as far from him as she could, but instead she silently sat across from him, hiding her hands beneath the table.

“After you eat, we’re leaving.”

“I’m not eating,” she muttered, boring holes into the table with fiery eyes.

“You need to-,”

“I’m not eating!” she snapped, slamming her hand against the table. He reached for her hand, the wounds on her knuckles reopening in the movement. She flinched back and glared at him. “Don’t try and bully me. You might be able to in private but out here men want nothing more than to protect pretty girls from men they don’t understand.”

“Whatever your drunk mind tells you, I didn’t bully you.”

“I wasn’t drunk! I had one damn drink before you decided to drag me out. I was as sober as you are right now. So there’s no need to lie.” He was surprised, but he masked it with a furrowed brow and fiery eyes.

“Fine, we’ll leave. But don’t expect us to stop,” he growled, slinging his pack over his shoulder and left the pub, fuming.

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” she yelled back, marching after him and mounting her horse, defiantly avoiding eye contact as she urged her horse into a gallop. Geralt had no problem catching up with her and proceeding to leave her in the dust.

He didn’t even care where they were going, he just wanted to run her until she begged him to stop. He wanted to hear her screaming over the rush of the wind, pleading for restitution.

And then he wanted to pretend that he couldn’t hear her. This experience was a lesson, that not all gold was equal.

The sun pulled itself high into the sky and scorched their backs. Sweat dripped down his forehead and he could hear her panting close behind him, but still he pushed forward. Eventually the sun dipped, and the world turned black. It was only by the light of the moon that he could see her, still following as closely as the horse could manage. Their path turned from rolling hills to jagged cliffs and the air began to smell of salt. They had ridden near the ocean, meaning that despite his lack of attention they were still on track, and moving much quicker than intended. Not even half of a month had passed, and they were already a third of the way through the journey. They would have to stop soon, but he didn’t want to give her the satisfaction, he didn’t want to go the whole day without gaining the satisfaction of hearing her complain.

He pushed Roach harder and soon the sound of hoofbeats faded from two sets to one. He pulled his horse to a stop and turned around, watching as the princess dug her heels into the side of her motionless horse. He rode back to her and found her foaming with frustration.

“Please go,” she was crying, pleading with the horse, who seemed deaf to her cries.

“It seems your horse has decided we will camp here for the night.” Her eyes blinked to his, angry tears streaming down her face.

“There is still time to continue. The horse can stay here if it doesn’t want to fulfill its duties,” she proclaimed, sliding from her horse, pulling her pack onto her shoulders, and beginning the trek on her own. He could see the limp in her step, the sign of an inexperienced horse rider shining through any denial of pain.

“Any further movement tonight is useless.”

“All progression, no matter how small, is progression,” she argued pushing forwards. He nudged an exhausted Roach forward, leaving the white steed behind.

“Y/N, stop.”

“Are you tired?” she spat, and a growl rumbled in his chest. He caught up to her with ease, and their journey continued.

She walked beside him, steps steady and shoulders back. She was coated in sweat and dust, her legs bowed from the excruciating pain he knew she was feeling, and yet she continued.

She did not complain, not even once.

Even when her feet had grown so heavy, they caught on a shallow lift in the rock and she had hit the ground with a heavy thud, she had silently pulled herself up with an aching slowness and continued. He had worried that she would not rise, that the day’s exhaustion and her body’s protest would keep her close to the ground, but she had proved him wrong. He was sure that was the only thing that was keeping her going, spite.

As the cliffs began to slope towards the beach a small town appeared that he proclaimed their final stop for the night. She nodded and pulled her pack against her a little tighter. The last mile was torturously slow. Her breaths were tight and shallow, but even when he had offered her a spot on Roach she had shook her head and pushed forward. It was not until they rode up to an inn that she allowed herself to lean against a post, swiping away tears and sweat.

It was a gay little inn, singing flowing into the street. The night’s regulars had most likely settled into their chairs and begun their rendition of whatever their local bard whipped up for them. He pushed open the door and Y/N followed him inside, stifling a yawn. He glanced around for the innkeeper, and found his search interrupted by a familiar voice.

“Geralt, is that really you?” Jaskier called from his place on the stage. He jumped to the floor and pushed through the crowd to join him.

“Hello Jaskier,” he grunted, not quite joining him in his joy.

“Share a drink with an old friend?”

“Who’s this?” a very exhausted Y/N asked from behind him, rubbing her eyes and stifling a yawn.

“I am Jaskier, travelling companion and world-famous bard. But who are you?”

“Y/N, princess, package, and extremely tired,” she informed him and Jaskier gawked at the pair, his arm wrapping around the princess, who seemed to be falling asleep on her feet.

“Is this how you treat princesses?” he asked, aghast at her appearance.

“Stubborn ones,” Geralt grunted and she sent him a glare, nudging him with all the energy she could manage. “But that drink.”

“Ah of course, but first let me escort your friend to my room. I have a bath already drawn and a warm bed that you can rest in while two old friends catch up,” he informed her and she nodded softly, leaning into his shoulder as he led her away. She stumbled on the stairs and he caught her around the waist, hand lingering on her hip. Geralt watched the interaction, fists clenching, yearning for nothing more than to rip off the offending arm.

It wasn’t long before he was back and leading Geralt to a table in a far corner, two drinks in his hands.

“So, tell me about your princess,” he prodded, lyrics to a new song practically writing themself across his face.

“I am escorting her, to her husband,” he grunted, downing his drink in a single gulp.

“That’s it?”

“That’s it.”

“Could have fooled me, oh mighty Witcher,” he said, a smile etching itself on his face. “Based on the state of her I would have guessed that she had had a run in with a stubborn man.”

“She’s a spoiled brat.”

“Who you care for.”

“Horse shit. She is a package at best.”

“If she was simply a package you wouldn’t be trying so hard to make her hate you. If she was just a package she would still look as shiny and new as the day you pulled her from her home. Yet, she’s sobbing in frustration the moment your out of sight.” He snapped his head towards the stairs and then back to Jaskier, searching for any sign of a lie.

“She’s engaged.”

“Never stopped me.”

“She despises every fiber of my being.”

“And that’s never stopped you, so would you just go upstairs and apologize to her before we actually have a drink.”

“You conniving so of a-,”

“Save the insults for when we’re both drunk.” Geralt rolled his eyes and climbed the stairs to the door Jaskier had directed him to.

He pushed the door open and her teary eyes snapped to his. She was instantly wiping away tears, putting on a brave face for the man who had brought her such distress.

“Is everything okay?” she asked and he nodded, approaching her cautiously. The grime of the day had been scrubbed away and only a few marks still marred her appearance. Her cheek was scratched from her fall along the cliffs, the muscles in her legs shook from the horse, and her knuckles fresh, having been torn open sometime throughout the day.

“Are you okay?” She nodded, sniffing softly at the lie. He took the beaten knuckles into his hands and wrapped bandages around the tender flesh. It was when she didn’t pull away from the act of tenderness that he knew all the fight had left her body. Her eyes were sad as they watched him, tears welling in her eyes when he wound them a little too tightly. “Sorry,” he muttered.

“It’s fine. Shouldn’t have punched the wall,” she muttered. When the wounds were wrapped, she pulled her hands back to her lap, but he pulled them back to him.

“Y/N, I’m sorry, for everything,” he whispered. She was surprised to say the least, and it was written all over her face. Tears collected in her eyes again and before he knew it she was crying into his arms. “Hey, hey what’s wrong?”

“I just want to be free,” she sobbed, arms wrapping around his neck as she shook. “Seventy-five days and it’s over, it’s all over.” She inconsolable now, the exhaustion revealing more than the drink ever could. “My life will be over, caught in the claws of destiny.”

“It’s not the end,” he assured her, patting her back pathetically, but she only cried harder. It went on for several moments, her incoherent muttering drowned out by sobs and the fabric of his shirt. Eventually she pulled away and muttered an apology, wiping her eyes. He caught her cheeks in his hands, fingers swiping away the tears. His thumb lingered on the scar that she would be forced to cover up for the rest of her life and brushed it thoughtfully.

He didn’t dare to see how close they were. It was bad enough that he could feel her breath dancing across her skin. The proximity was torturous, and when he gathered the courage to look her in the eye any sense of logic left his body in a sharp exhale.

She was glistening in his hands, tears and innocence glittering in her eyes. And she was so close the soap she had cleaned herself with clogged his senses. He breathed her name and when she didn’t pull away from the moment, he plunged in head first.

His lips finally met hers and he almost came undone at the sigh she breathed into his mouth. Soft hands gathered in his hands, pulling him closer, the first bit of fight he had felt within her since he climbed the stairs and entered Jaskier’s bedroom.

Her lips tasted like honeysuckles and he could feel her long eyelashes brushing against his face, as delicate as butterfly wings in early spring. Her chest swelled against his and he was scrambling to hold her more tightly. He could barely breathe she was so intoxicating. And then it was over and he was craving more, but she looked so tired it seemed wrong. To exhaust her further and so he laid her in the bed and brushed her hair behind her ear before leaving her to the sleep her body so desperately craved.

Tags

@mallorydoesstuff @facelessfiction @aphadriel-fanfic @raspberrydreamclouds @thegreattodd @saint-hardy @ravenclawsstolemybunies @queenofmankind @britty443 @lonewolf471 @utterlyhopeful

[abiteofnat]

If you’re reading this, I’m coming back to Chicago, beetch

The non-existent rumors are true. After a brief 10-month exit from the city to soak up the fresh air and social distance-friendly suburbs, I am now returning to Chicago as a single, slightly more anxious version of myself. While I’m still trying to kick some of the anxiety and OCD that COVID-19 pushed from “lifelong tagalongs” to “all-controlling demons”, I feel 97% ready to be back where I feel most myself, and cannot wait to welcome that change. While that 3% still makes me a little uncomfy and hesitant, I’m a believer in pushing your boundaries to allow yourself to grow, and also, I am really sick of suburbs food. 

Ha! I joke. I wouldn’t move downtown simply for access to more diverse & higher quality food... or would I? All I know is while there are plenty of gems in the North Shore, I’ve eaten take out from all of them ten times over, and I did not foster my dislike of cooking out of nowhere. My parents do not enjoy cooking, my sister pretends to enjoy cooking, and I will cook if it is 5 ingredients or less. My latest speciality is a toasted bagel with butter, hummus, and EBTB seasoning. Voila. So when it comes to dinner, we are living off of a carousel of suburban favorites, and are losing steam as we are still not comfortable with dining inside (or dining inside in the city, where the fun food is). 

All of this to say, it’s exciting to imagine what life is going to be like in a few short weeks. While I’m still extra precautionary, I can’t wait to have my own space downtown, where I can enjoy coffee on my little balcony (!!!) and dream of the days friends can come squeeze into my studio safely while I lay out an entire table of sharable spreads and snacks from Ema (Charred Eggplant Spread is the best one, don’t fight me). 

So you may ask, how did you come to this decision to move to the heart of downtown out of seemingly nowhere, you hermit? 

It starts with my mom and I having a brief, simultaneous breakdown and coming to the conclusion that we would both feel comfortable doing a staycation downtown, as long as we wore masks, sanitized always, and braved the cold to eat outside. This was big for me! As a person with real OCD, not cute TV show “I have to keep my pens straight” OCD, this would be the most exposure I’d had to a lot of uncontrollable variables since the pandemic started. If you’re thinking, “you get to spend a weekend downtown in a hotel with your mom, shut up”, know that I hear you. I am unbelievably grateful that I’ve gotten this time with my parents, and that we can do a staycation. However, having anxiety comes at a cost, and that cost is blowing everything way the fuck out of proportion instead of being able to rationalize it sometimes. Let’s! Normalize! Having! This! Discussion!

So, we went downtown in early March for a two-night stay, and oh my goodness. The realization that we got to be in a different space, and do different things, and eat different food for a weekend made it feel like a legit vacation, and not like we drove 30 minutes to get there. The view from our room was of Michigan Ave, and hearing the traffic and seeing the people out and about instantly made me feel a sense of peace I wasn’t expecting. I’ve lived downtown for 6 years, but it always shocks me how much the city feels like an extension of me once I’m in it after being away. My mom and I went out for a walk (gentle yet forceful reminder to please wear a mask), then decided to grab dinner while we were out. The plan was to bring it back to the room, but there was a warm spell, and there just happened to be a table for two at Topolobampo on Clark, and suddenly we were sitting on the patio under the lights eating masa quesadillas dipped in a spicy salsa verde. It just happened!!! 

Before getting downtown, I was tentatively looking at apartments for the spring. I was looking at Lincoln Park, Old Town, maybe Lakeview, and came across a listing in the Gold Cost that caught my eye. That one was swiped out from under me within days, but I couldn’t stop thinking about the area. Then I discovered another unit that was available, and couldn’t shake it from my mind. Over mushroom tacos I discussed it with my mom, and we decided to go see it. Totally not what I had been planning for in terms of location, but why not? 

Once we polished off breakfast the next morning (Eggs Benedict with fried eggs, extra hollandaise) we headed out to see the place. Let me say I have never seen my mom fall in love with a single apartment I’ve lived in, and she was ALL. FOR. IT. Unreal reaction on her part. Once I saw the west-facing views and the incredible natural lighting, I was 100% in as well.

We spent the rest of the weekend wandering the downtown area, enjoying another dinner outside at The Gwen and my mom’s first visit to the Starbucks Reserve Roastery, which was 95% more empty than I’ve ever seen it given we went in a pandemic at 8:30PM. Shit on Starbucks all you want, but that Roastery is an incredible use of space (in non-pandemic times) and the coffee & Princi pastries are really, really good. 

When we got back home feeling refreshed and like we had actually gone on a vacation, I jumped into apartment shark mode real fast and signed as many documents as the very kind realtor could send over. One week later, whabaam, I was a Gold Coast girl. Ahem, *lady*. What better way to celebrate than going to Somerset and having the Rapini & Roasted Garlic Flatbread and Wild Mushroom Risotto? No clue. As I sat outside, yet again with my mom, I felt a wave of excitement come over me and realized, this is it. This is the sign and feeling I’ve been waiting for, telling me it’s time to move back to the city and start over. The creamy, herbacious risotto also helped solidify that. 

SO. After all of that, the news is I’m moving, and you’re probably wondering why I shared all of this on a blog about food. I meant for this post to be about everywhere I ate during my staycation, but realized quickly we ate at some very basic places - DELICIOUS, but still basic. Oops. Below are all the dishes I had and a rundown of the flavors, textures, etc., however don’t expect to find any new, revolutionary restaurants. Sorry! 

1. Topolobampo 

This Rick Bayless restaurant has been around forever, and unfortunately, you can tell by the interior. We’ve eaten here as a family a couple of times before, but never had a noteworthy experience. I can confirm that in a pinch, the patio covered in fun lights & mini piñatas, and the sharable, filling bites will do just fine. This was my first time going to a Mexican restaurant as a non-alcohol drinker, and instead of my typical mezcal margarita, I opted for a Fresh Limeaide which was refreshing and flavorful. We split the Guacamole and Chips, which if you’ve ever stopped at the Frontera in O’Hare, you know is good as fuck. It’s smooth, creamy, tangy, and topped with chopped onions and cilantro for a little crunch. It’s not the most life-changing, but it is consistently satisfying. Next, we got the Mushroom Tacos and Masa Quesadillas. The Masa Quesadillas were a fun surprise, as instead of a tortilla, the masa is what makes up the outside. They are almost like empanadas and stuffed with gooey, melty cheese, and come with a spicy salsa verde on the side. I would come back for these alone - they’re rich yet light, warm, and comforting, all the things you would want when dining outside when it’s still a little chilly. The Mushroom Tacos were quite frankly unreal, because whatever they seasoned the mushroom slices with and grilled them on made them taste unlike any mushroom I’ve had before. There was definitely some meat crossover on the grill, so don’t order those if you’re vegan, or ask them to prepare the mushroom separately. I however was LOSING MY MIND. Over mushrooms. The joys of being vegetarian! 

2. The Gwen

On a happening Saturday night in Chicago, Upstairs at The Gwen is sure to be a packed scene. Located in River North, this hotel bar/restaurant offers a somehow cozy rooftop filled with loungey couches, fire pits, and ambient lighting, even though you’re surrounded by apartments and skyscrapers and there is nothing “cozy” about River North. Every table was filled, yet since you’re outside and it’s fairy spread apart, it still felt safe. I got my new classic, a Lemonade, and we got the Burrata to start. With sourdough, roasted beets, squash, pomegranate, pistachio, & arugula, this plate was nothing short of mouth-watering. It has textures! It has flavors! It has pomegranate seeds, the TikTok must have of the moment! The bread was 10/10, the burrata was 8/10, and all of the toppings made for a very find bite of salad on their own. For my main I got the Lobster Fettucine, a beautiful bowl of “charcoal fettuccine with saffron-tomato sauce, lobster, calabrian chili butter, and basil-brioche crumbs” as listed on their website. Take any of those ingredients and it’s going to be delicious, but all of them TOGETHER? INCREDIBLE. The chunks of lobster were huge, absolutely making the dish worth its price tag, and the sauce was flavorful, unique, and unlike any sauce I’ve tasted in the last few years. It’s typical to do a squid ink pasta with seafood and tomato sauce, but the saffron added a new element I very much appreciated. 

3. The Starbucks Roastery 

I KNOW. THIS IS A TOURIST DESTINATION. All I am saying is if there’s no line, go get an iced latte with two packets of sugar in the raw. That’s all. It’s really good after something like, I don’t know, Lobster Fettucine. 

4. The Penninsula 

You cannot go wrong with hitting up The Penninsula for breakfast or brunch, especially if you are staying there and have the option to do room service. Typically we would go to Pierrot Gourmet, the cafe in the ground floor of The Penninsula, however it has been closed temporarily. If there’s one thing to order with your breakfast, it’s the smashed fingerling potatoes. Delish. 

5. Somerset 

Somerset is becoming a quick go-to of mine for an impromptu dinner downtown, given it’s in the heart of Gold Coast and is cute if you’re sitting indoors or outdoors. The food is nothing too innovative, but it is done well, which is the most important part with “cuter” restaurants that may focus on the Instagram appeal over the food sometimes. Each time I’ve gone I’ve gotten the seasonal flatbread and a pasta or risotto, usually something with mushrooms, and it’s always been plate-licking good. To drink, I got -you guessed it- a Lemonade! For dinner I went with the Wild Mushroom Risotto which was everything you could hope for in a risotto, topped with olive oil, herbs, and local parmesan. We split the Rapini & Roasted Garlic Flatbread which was as it sounds, flatbread covered in rapini, garlic, and ricotta, which added a nice crunch and had enough rapini to feel like it was replacing a boring vegetable side dish or salad. The patio vibes were wonderful, the judgemental girls in the greenhouses looked like they were having a good time, and our waiter couldn’t have been sweeter. I will be going back to try the Fontina Arancini, which I just noticed on the menu. FRICK. 

So there you have it, a very long-winded explanation of the last few weeks of my life and where you can find me on a staycation in Chicago. Hopefully once I move back to the city I’ll have endless new spots to try and won’t be basic anymore! 

Until next time, Happy Eating!

-Natalie 

[ignitesthestxrs]

i apoligze for this in advance but idk who else to ask. so i’m attracted to women like 92% of the time but i’ve been dating a guy for a few months now. it’s not super serious yet but i still find myself feeling sad about never having had a gf/worrying i never will and just feeling like a bad queer. i KNOW that it’s terribly biphobic of me to think that if i a femme enby date a cis dude i’m not queer enough. but i also cant get past it no matter how many times i look at these ugly brain thoughts

first of all: you never have to apologise for sending me stuff like this. it is a known facet of my tumblr, and while i know i am hardly around at all, i do periodically check my inbox and am never angry or annoyed or any other negative emotion to see people reaching out for help/advice. i don’t always have the mental bandwidth to respond, but i am only ever glad that people still consider this a safe place to reach out to.

there are a couple of things i want to address here! in no particular order:

you are not a future teller or a psychic, no matter how much your worries and anxieties insist that they know what is coming. the fact that you are in a relationship with a man in this moment has no bearing on what relationships you may find yourself in, in the future. the fact that the person you are dating currently identifies as a man is no guarantee that they will always identify that way, even! you could be with them for the next couple of weeks or for the rest of your life and there are a million permutations in between and around those two options.

what i’m saying is - obsessing over things you might not do in the future because of things you are doing now is a game that nobody wins. you have no guarantees of what the future is going to hold - you can make decisions now based on what you want and/or expect the future to hold, but stressing about the path not taken means that you’re going to spend all your time straining to see that path and like, walk into a big boulder in the path you’re actually on or something. currently, you’re not even stressing about the fork in the road that you came across. you’re on a single path, and you’re worrying about a path you haven’t come across yet, which may or may not diverge from the path that you’re on, or might be in a different forest entirely and and and- at some point you gotta love the path you’re on and take in the scenery, my darling.

which, incidentally - this path? not incompatible with queerness. and i know you know this, but feeling it can be! so hard! so i am here to remind and reassure you that - queerness is not an action. the nature of identity is not things that you do, it is the person that you are. you do not cease to be non-binary because your outfit changes - your fashion choices are simply a way of expressing your non-binary-ness, and they are not the only way, and if you are not using fashion to express your enbyness then that doesn’t make you not enby. you don’t stop being enby when there is no one there to look at you and make external judgements about your gender, and you do not stop being queer because you are a femme-adjacent person dating a cis dude.

queerness is a thing that you are. you can take actions that express that queerness more clearly to outside observation, but outside observation does not change the fact of your queerness. i will not deny that it can make it easier to participate in community, because community is in part made up of particular signs that individuals recognise in each other and gravitate towards - but who you date is only one such sign. i’m a lesbian who hasn’t dated anyone for over half a decade - am i less queer because i have not hooked up with a chick in that time? i am not. if i fuck a dude am i less of a lesbian? idk man that depends on how i feel about fucking a dude. am i romantically and sexually attracted to the dude, or was his dick just inside me? what if he just uses his fingers? i feel like i could feasibly have sex with a cis man out of sheer curiosity and still be a lesbian, sure, but what if there’s a single man that just perfectly meets me where i am despite my overwhelming preference and interest in women? what if that man is trans? what does that mEAN? at which point do we stop dissecting identity and carving lines into each other?

queerness is a useful umbrella term to cover those people who exist out of heternormativity - cismen attracted to ciswomen, ciswomen attracted to cismen, exclusively. the second the spokes of that umbrella start poking you instead of protecting you from the rain, it has ceased to do its job. identity is useful in that it helps us understand ourselves and it helps us find community in other people, but there are no perfect words that encapsulate the whole of our individual experience, and there are no individual experiences that perfectly match up with another person’s individual experience, even if we use the same word/s to describe ourselves.

you can’t be biphobic at your own experiences. it’s not biphobic to look at the way you have identified previously/up to a certain point, to recognise a difference in your current behaviour, and feel weird or discomforted by this difference. it’s not biphobic to need some time to figure shit out - who you want to be, how you want to identify, what outfit fits you best. i think identity works best as a conversation with yourself - i think we should all be checking in on ourselves to make sure that the way are living is expressing the way we are being. this urge to build walls of definable identity is a protective instinct meant to save us and gather us together from the very real threats of a heteronormative society, but it can also mean we get trapped in a place that no longer suit us.

some practical advice - if the idea of never dating a girl stresses you out that much, i’d take a break from dating this dude, because it sounds like you have some work to do in terms of figuring out what experiences you want to have in life. but only you can decide where that stress line fractures, you know? but if you read this post and you sit with it for a bit and you find that the experience of dating this man is still making you miserable, it’s okay to take some time away from it. you don’t deserve misery.

that being said - like, you’ve only been dating him a few weeks? it’s cool to just envision this relationship in terms of weeks. you truly don’t have to stretch the current experience you are having out to cover the rest of your life in one daunting ‘what if’. so long as everyone involved in a relationship is clear with the terms of engagement, go forth and short term yourself some fuckin joy.

i stress, i beg, do not deny yourself the pleasure of a joyful experience with another human soul now because you are worried about what this means about other people’s perception of some amorphous identity. you are queer. you are a femme-enby person largely attracted to woman, but dating a man. you are queer, you are enough, you don’t need to question that anymore. i think that the last year, last four years, last lifetime has more than proven that life is, frankly, too fucking short. seize your joy and run with it. whether that means dating this man or take a pause to breathe and reflect, or whatever else! you’ll still be queer.

be kind to yourself my love i wish you well <3

[missroserose]

OOO honestly so many of those sound good, damnnnn! I'm super curious about Revenge & No Promises, if you wanna talk about them!

Absolutely!  Thank you for asking!

“Revenge” is a collection of scenes for a The Lost Boys story that was sort of a proto-version of “After The Shock, The Fall”.  I never really had a solid idea of the shape of it, only a vague idea for a concept (”David comes back post-Loma Prieta earthquake to exact his revenge on Michael, but Michael’s grown in that time and ensnares him right back”) and a general vibe.  At one point I had Michael working as a bouncer at a club, at another there was a full-on gang warfare scene...I probably wrote three times as much, word-count-wise, as ended up actually going in to the “finished” version.  But I’m pretty happy with what came out of it, even if feels a little haunted by all the things it could have been.

“No Promises” was, until recently, my great shame: over 10,000 words of a psychedelic horror piece I’d written for @rhubarbdreams for a holiday fic exchange in 2019, and never finished.  (This is largely why I so badly wanted to write them something amazing when I got them again in 2020; I’m not certain if Wake Me Up counts as amazing, but to this day it’s the most ambitious project I’ve actually finished, so it seems like it should count for something.)  It’s interesting, reading it now; some of it got recycled into Act II of When the Waters Start to Cross (which makes sense, as they’re tonally pretty similar), but just as much ended up in “Wake Me Up”, despite the timbre of that one being completely different.  I guess I’m a sucker for capital-R Romance, whether its surrounded by the terror of the world not being quite as we thought it was or the terror of the world being exactly as we thought it was.

Billy blows air through his lips, which he only ever does when he’s high on something—Steve wonders, briefly, if Amy had actually managed to score some coke this time around.  “Eventually, yeah.  But there’s just so much out there first.”  He takes a drag, but cuts it off short, blowing out smoke with a sharp shake of his head.  “You know, driving the Camaro here, there were mountains, and rivers, and whole forests.  I’d keep seeing signs for this or that National Forest, or an amusement park, or roadside attractions, or whatever.  And I’d want nothing more than to peel off, go check it out, see what there was to see, but...I had to just keep driving.”  He takes a sip of the beer before crumpling the mostly-full can, the contents fizzing out over his hands.  Pitches it out into the dark.  “And now I’m stuck in this shithole of a nowhere town, full of cow shit and petty gossip and nothing else.”

“Hey.”  Steve gives his voice just the hint of a barb, a lazy curl flicking upward at the end.  Testing, to see if it catches.  “That’s my cow shit and petty gossip you’re talking about.”  Casually, he upends the beer into his mouth, chugs the entire thing in one go.

Even without looking, he can feel the heat of Billy’s eyes on him, watching his throat bob.  “Oh, is King Steve feeling a little protective of his kingdom?”  Steve crumples his own can, pitches it out, just a little farther than Billy’s went; he turns, gives a little half-smile of victory, watches the flame of competition light in those blue eyes.  “Going to stay stuck in the mud here like a scarecrow, lording it over the chickens and the corn husks?”  Billy pushes off the wall, moves in towards Steve—not quite caging him in, but definitely in his personal space.  “Or are you ready to go west?  Manifest your fuckin’ destiny?”

Steve stays mild, knows from long experience that’s the best route to keeping Billy’s interest—though he does flick his eyes up, tries to decide if Billy’s gaze is intense, or crazed.  Or both.  “You gonna take me to Hollywood, Hargrove?”  He bats his lashes, widens his eyes slightly in the way he does when he’s trying to charm mothers on the street.  “Get me discovered?”

Billy’s eyes flick over Steve’s face, as if assessing.  “Maybe.  Maybe we’ll keep going.  Find all those little mining ghost towns by the southern Arizona border.”  He takes another short-sharp drag, their faces inches apart, turns his head to blow out the smoke—but his eyes stay on Steve’s.  “Take I-10 all the way east to El Paso, get you some decent Mexican food.  Then north up through New Mexico, into the Rocky Mountains, see some proper forests and lakes.  And from there...who knows?”  He smiles, slow, with  an answering challenge; leans in to murmur in his ear.  “That’s the joy of it, pretty boy.  Freedom.”

Steve keeps his smile easy.  Thinks about the growing stack of letters on collegiate letterhead, buried in the back of his closet.  Most of them he hasn’t even read; he doesn’t need to.  They all begin with some variation on Dear Mr. Harrington:  We regret to inform you…  They all sit in his gut, heavy like an indigestible meal.  Weighing him down.

The tone of Billy’s voice, seductive and deep; his breath, hot against the skin of Steve’s neck—it starts that fizzing in his blood.  That effervescent excitement that he’d thought he’d lost.  The buoyancy of possibility.

But Billy doesn’t have to know that.  “I dunno.  I keep hearing that I’m a charming young man with a promising future.  What are you offering me in trade?”  He lets one corner of his mouth quirk up, lets himself remember the feeling of reigning from his throne of ice.  “Loyalty?  Devotion?  Adventure?”

Billy pulls back, his face amused.  Takes a last drag of the cigarette before flicking the butt away.  Leans in even closer—close enough that his lips are practically against Steve’s ear.  Close enough to press the bounds of even drunken plausible deniability.  “I don’t do promises, princess,” he murmurs, nips at Steve’s ear; Steve feels the flesh heat, the ice melt away, tips his head slightly up beneath Billy’s cigarette-scented breath.  “I see you in that tower.  Are you willing to make the leap?”

ask me about my WIPs!

[trombonesinspace]

Typhoid Mary: feminist femme fatale?

“Season 4 was going to be Typhoid Mary, Alice Eve [who played the role in Iron Fist], we were doing a kind of...I had a much different version of her than what Raven [Metzner] had done in Iron Fist. I was kind of rebooting what she was going to be like, and we were going to do a, you know, kind of a warped love story/murder mystery kind of femme fatale, but kind of a modern-day, feminist version of it, as opposed to kind of the older, sexist kind of femme fatale archetype.”

-Erik Oleson, in conversation with Steven DeKnight, SaveDaredevilCon 

As I said yesterday, I have some thoughts about this! If you want some opinions nobody asked for, about a storyline that may never come to pass, you’ve come to the right place! Let’s dive in.

A femme fatale is a character type with quite a history, that can take various forms. She is always an attractive woman who brings ruin to the man who gets involved with her. But sometimes she is deliberately manipulative, while sometimes she is more a victim of circumstances. She may be evil, or she may be sympathetic/tragic. But whatever her moral alignment, she has two defining traits: sexual allure, and some form of negative consequences for the hero as a result of his involvement with her.

A woman who schemes against the hero, and succeeds in harming him, but without using feminine wiles? Not a femme fatale. The Marvel TV universe has featured several examples on different shows: Madame Gao, Mariah Dillard, Alexandra. And, ironically, the version of Typhoid Mary who appeared in Iron Fist. (We’ll get there.)

A sexy woman who tries to manipulate/damage the hero, but fails? Also not a femme fatale. I wish I could give some examples, but sadly I can’t think of any, in dramas at least. Our current media culture loves a sexy manipulator, no writer ever seems to introduce one into a dramatic story without making her succeed in her schemes, to some extent at least.

Which is unfortunate, from my perspective, because I loathe sexy manipulators. It’s a character type I really dislike, whenever I encounter her. As soon as she shows up, I know the hero is going to fall for her bullshit like a chump, and I’m going to end up respecting him less as a result. I could try to unpack my feelings about this a bit more, but that would probably make a post all on its own, so for now I’ll leave it at that.

This doesn’t mean I hate all femmes fatales—it really depends on her motivation and her behavior. If she isn’t trying to harm the hero, and it happens due to circumstances, then I might like the character, but the story becomes a tragedy. Which is not necessarily bad. Just, you know. Tragic.

Anyway! Let’s talk about Typhoid Mary.

Mary Walker is a woman with Dissociative Identity Disorder (multiple personalities), and high-level combat skills. In the comics, she is also a mutant with mental powers. She appeared in the Daredevil comics starting in 1988.

In this original version, her personality fragmented due to childhood abuse, leading her to vow as an adult that no man would ever hurt her again. Her personalities are: Mary, who is timid and gentle; Typhoid, who is adventurous, lusty, and violent; and Bloody Mary, who is even more violent, sadistic, and hates all men.

Mary becomes romantically involved with Matt Murdock, who is cheating on his girlfriend, Karen Page, to be with her. At the same time, Typhoid is trying to ruin him, having been hired to do so by the Kingpin. Matt can’t tell they’re the same woman, because when she switches personalities all her bio signs change (voice, scent, heartbeat, etc) so much that he can’t recognize her. (Uh, sure.) She may also be using some of her mutant powers to confuse his senses. I haven’t read the comics, I’m relying here on what I could learn from the internet.

Eventually Typhoid drops him off a bridge, but then Mary finds him and gets him to a hospital, saving him. Karen is with him when he wakes up, but he breaks her heart by calling out for Mary.

This storyline...does not thrill me. As I said, I haven’t read it, but comics writing about mental illness is generally neither nuanced nor accurate, and comics writing about women circa 1988 is also not great, by today’s standards. And comics Matt’s disastrous love life is legendary—cheating on your girlfriend is bad, Matt! Don’t do it! 

I have, however, watched season 2 of Iron Fist, where we get a different version. This Mary Walker is a US army veteran, special ops, who was captured by the Sokovian military. Her personality fragmented due to the brutal abuse she received from her captors for nearly two years, until she finally escaped. She got a medical discharge from the army after being diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Her personalities are: Mary, who is innocent and naive; and Walker, who is a ruthless, coolly efficient mercenary-for-hire. The existence of a third, ultraviolent personality, previously unknown to either Mary or Walker, is revealed near the end of the season. 

Mary meets and befriends Danny Rand, while Walker is hired by his enemies to stalk him, and eventually capture him so they can steal his Iron Fist powers from him. She later changes sides, getting hired to bring down Davos, the season’s main villain, by Joy Meachum, his former ally.

There are clear parallels to the Daredevil comics storyline, albeit in less extreme form—Mary befriends the hero, but isn’t romantically involved with him; her more violent personality works against him and fights him, but doesn’t try to destroy him. 

I enjoyed this version of the character more than I expected to, for a couple of reasons. For one, she is never the out of control, “crazy” stereotype of a person with mental illness. Both Mary and Walker are more-or-less functional adults, managing to live a strange hybrid life, aware of each other’s existence even though they don’t share memories.

But what I especially like is that she isn’t sexualized, at all. It’s incredibly rare, in my experience, to see a young, female antagonist opposing a male hero, and not have her be sexy. Older women are exempt from this obligation (see my list of examples above), but the young ones always vamp it up, and I am so tired of it. I am not opposed to sexy women, but I am very opposed to the requirement that all women must be sexy. (Unless they’re old.) Male antagonists aren’t required to be alluring, so why should women be? (Yes, I know why. I just don’t like it.)

There’s also a lot of potential YIKES in sexualizing a woman with a severe mental illness, which was caused by (among other things) repeated sexual violence. Could it be done in a way that isn’t super problematic? It’s possible, sure. Am I assuming that most television writers would give the subject the respect it deserves? NOPE! 

I’m really glad they chose to just not go there. Walker is extremely good at what she does, takes no shit from anyone, and (almost) never gets riled up. After everything she’s been through, nothing in her present life has the power to faze her, and none of the men around her have the power to intimidate her. It’s pretty great!

She isn’t the least bit coy or seductive, and, equally refreshing, none of the men try to sexualize her or hit on her. Everyone Walker talks to knows she is a highly skilled professional, and they treat her accordingly. Or, when someone does disrespect her, it’s never gendered as far as I can remember, and it stops as soon as she calmly states what she’s going to do to him if it doesn’t.

As for Mary, although she has a more feminine appearance than Walker (hair down and loose, makeup), she is also not sexualized. Her friendship with Danny, who is in an established relationship with Colleen Wing, is platonic, and no one else tries to hit on her that I remember.

So this is the version of Typhoid Mary that Erik Oleson was going to reboot, into a femme fatale. Only, you know. A feminist one. 

I...have some questions. What does that even mean? What does feminism mean to Erik Oleson? Let’s be real, the idea of a woman becoming an ultraviolent, sadistic man-hater as a result of sexual trauma would have been seen as feminist in some circles, back in 1988 when that version was written. So what, exactly, did he have in mind?

As I said before, sexual allure is a necessary component of a femme fatale. So she was definitely gonna be sexy. And you know now how I feel about sexy female antagonists. As for the “warped love story” part...Matt wouldn’t be cheating on Karen, since they aren’t together (please, for the love of mercy, don’t have them get together right before he meets Mary, we did that once and I do NOT want to see it again), but I am still not a fan of Matt/Mary as a couple.

Her Dissociative Identity Disorder raises some serious issues around consent, and even if the show chose to ignore that, there’s still the issue of past sexual trauma. Unless Oleson’s reworking of the character was going to include a completely different back story, a Matt/Mary relationship would mean Matt unknowingly having sex with a woman who has suffered brutal sexual abuse in her past. Not to mention, having sex with her that only one part of her personality actually wants.

Is it possible for someone with Mary’s past trauma and present mental illness to have a positive sexual relationship? In reality, of course! In the hands of writers with only a layman’s knowledge of psychology, on a show that loves to torment its hero, I wouldn’t bet on it. How do you suppose our poster boy for Catholic guilt would react when he inevitably finds out the truth?

Plus, aside from any issues around Mary herself, Matt starting a relationship with anyone other than the handful of people who already know his secret identity, means a whole new round of Matt lying to someone he cares about. Does anyone really want to see that? I know I don’t. Sure, maybe he’d tell her eventually, but how long would they have to date before he decided to trust her with the truth?

I’m not opposed to the Mary Walker from Iron Fist appearing in Daredevil, if the writers could come up with a new story for her (i.e, don’t just have her repeat all the same plot beats with Matt that she already did with Danny). But bringing her in as a femme fatale really doesn’t sit well with me. We’ve already seen Matt in an ultimately destructive relationship with a sexy, violent, morally grey woman. I really don’t want to watch Round 2: now with multiple personalities!

Of course, maybe we never will. The quote at the beginning of this post is from just a couple of weeks ago (July 25 2020), so Erik Oleson still seems to think it’s a fine idea. But obviously we don’t know yet if there will ever be a season 4, or who the show runner will be if there is. He may never get to make the story he was planning.

So yes, I realize I’m merely speculating about a completely theoretical story that may never happen. But I wanted to write this anyway. I had a strong “ugh, no” reaction to the idea of a feminist femme fatale Typhoid Mary, and I wanted to go deeper and pick apart my reasons for not liking the idea.

To the three of you who have read this all the way through to the end (this post is nearly 2000 words, yikes), thank you for indulging me! These are, as always, my own opinions, and YMMV. 

[genuflectx]

4th Dimensional Being/OC - CH2

Full Length: 19,543

Chapter Length:  3,238

Main Themes: Other dimensions, tentacles, confinement, nsfw

Other Warnings: politics,  "godly" behaviors, vomit, feeling of loss of autonomy, comparison to a toy

(all images in aesthetic board are labeled for reuse with modification or are mine)

Remember the entire story (including downloads!) is up for Patrons wink wink.... enjoy CH2  (WILL BE NSFW IN LATER CHAPTERS)

The 4DB Chapter 2: Gabriel

One moment she'd been processing letters and packages for barely above minimum wage and then the next moment she'd been processed into a cold research facility. Her body was exhausted from the day-and-a-half trip. And her mind? She was still only partially sure this was truly happening. All she really understood for certain was that something had spoken to her, and that something was being called a '4DB.'

The white-coat in the heels asked to be called Gale, short for Nightingale. Chris knew this was not her actual name. Regardless, Gale was currently the nicest person she'd met so far and she was the one to finally brief her... after Chris gave her own story, of course. But when Gale did eventually explain the situation to her Chris found herself slowly sinking into awe.

The 4DB had begun speaking to seven humans on Saturday, a mere three and a half days ago. Gale had even gone so far as to give Chris the list of names, as if they would have some meaning to her: Chrysanthemum Sain, Aaron Boucher, Morgan Airhart, Cole Artrip, Nathan Hunter, John Barker, and lastly the president's name.

“And it really just wants to study us?” She'd asked.

Gale had smirked a little and folded her hands up. “Make no mistake. We are studying it, too.”

However, the 4DB did speak to the staff as well. Just in short, stern bouts of command. Do this, do that, prepare this, prepare that. It had no concern for the staff. It just wanted its six human subjects in a secure location. Seemed that the scientists being on site were a compromise.

Chris tilted her head minutely, eyes squinted. “Six? But there were seven humans?”

That made Gale chuckle. “The president will of course not be joining us.”

“...Right.”

Chris was then told a limited amount of information about the scientists' studies. Since they had so little time to re-locate on-site the facility was currently understaffed. That meant, unfortunately, no real research had begun. Though no experiments had been conducted the group was able to conclude that whatever the 4DB was it was not traceable. There were no changes in temperature nor air pressure in any of the rooms which it had spoken, neither during nor after. As far as they were able to gather with their limited resources the creature was... just not there. No one could see it. No one could feel it. All they could do was hear it and that wasn't even recordable either, as it gave no sound waves.

“Wait wait. But it touched me,” Chris had interrupted, confused.

The look of joy upon the scientist's face was genuine. “And that's why you are so interesting. It hasn't touched any of the other subjects. Well, unless they've lied to us. And we've one last subject yet to arrive as well. We will see.”

Gale continued. Though they'd yet to learn anything meaningful that would soon change. After all, the subjects were nearly gathered and her skeleton team had been diligently working to outline experiments. With the factor of the unknown it was going to be a challenge, but everyone was steeling themselves. Whatever this strange god-like creature had to say, whatever it wanted to do, her crew would be in wait ready to record it.

In short, the scientists hadn't learned shit yet. If Chris hadn't been so exhausted she'd have been frustrated. Instead she had slumped down into her chair, confusion stuck upon her features, and then promptly yawned.

The last thing Gale did was stand abruptly, finally gather Chris's cell phone up, and then open the door to the hall. “Come on, get some food. You can meet your peers and then be shown to your room.”

So here she was, sitting in a too-big cafeteria poking at strange rations upon her little plastic tray. It was like high school all over again. Chris nibbled at something green. She supposed it was meant to be peas, but it was mushed up. Like baby food. She shuttered.

Suddenly another tray clanked against the cold metal table and Chris looked up to find Cole settling in. He smiled at her, way too wired considering how little sleep they'd had. It was probably adrenaline.

“Guess they couldn't get real food in on such short notice?” He complained. “Gotta be a grocery store within driving distance right? Geez.”

It was at least nice to see him again. It had felt like hours in that dim room. Gale was kind but it did seem like she had been watching Chris way too closely.

“Feels like we're animals in a zoo,” Chris mumbled, tired. She tried to eat some more and made a face.

The older man shrugged. “Guess they told you everything too! Don't know about you but I'm looking forward to this. Doesn't it feel like something greater? Like a calling? Hey, maybe we ought to say hello to those fellas,” he gestured with a nod.

Three men sat at a further table chatting. They'd hardly glanced at Chris when she'd been shepherded in, though the youngest had smiled at her. “That's okay. I just want to eat then go to sleep. Why don't you go talk?”

Cole looked at her in thought. Then he smiled and patted her shoulder amicably. “Don't be a stranger, stranger!” He stood up and moved away.

He was a nice man. Chris wondered if he had any children. He certainly hadn't had any family photos at his house. She sighed, blinking sleepily, and hurried to try and finish her food.

They waited and waited. Chris had finished her food nearly half an hour ago. Finally Gale came into the cafeteria with another woman at her heels.

“Everyone's together now! Great! Someone will show you to your rooms shortly.”

It was like a dormitory, with two beds to a room. Everything was clean and tidy, the walls and floor a glaring white. There was at least a curtain for courtesy, which could be used to cut the room in two. Some quiet men brought their bags for them.

The woman who'd been with Gale turned out to be the final subject and was meant to share a room with Chris. She was relieved that she'd not need to sleep across from a strange man. As they unpacked and made the room more cozy Chris gave some pleasant small-talk, though the other wasn't that receptive.

“You can call me Chris. What's your name?” She asked.

The other woman, who was currently unpacking a teddy bear, answered. “Morgan.”

Chris nodded and folded some clothes away. She didn't think she could do much of this before she passed out, but it made things feel less weird. She could imagine she was back in college. Or that maybe she'd just moved. Yeah, she'd moved across country to somewhere small and warm. A cozy beach house rather than a cold, cramped dorm. She'd left her old job behind and settled into an early retirement. If only.

“So uh, where do you work Morgan?” Chris continued. “I was told everyone here is from the government.”

“The DMV,” she said curtly, frowning.

Chris chuckled awkwardly. “Oh, haha, yeah.” She didn't know why she laughed like that. For some reason it just felt tense. “I work for the post office so I know a little bit of how that must be. Lots of customer service.”

Morgan nodded. “Yeah...” She paused then moved to pull the courtesy curtain. “Well. Goodnight.”

Chris watched as the curtain cut the room, stranding her. She sighed. That was fine, she was pretty sleepy anyway. It was time for bed. She found sleep a difficult bear to wrestle. It was so cold and foreign, and no one ever really got a good night sleep somewhere cold and foreign. She could not for the life of her get her feet to warm up. When she did sleep she did not dream.

They were awoken by a knock, a metallic creak, and a “Rise and shine!”

The morning started with breakfast. And then, one by one, each member of the waiting group was taken away into another office where they were made to fill out paperwork. When they'd leave the room they'd have a lanyard and I.D. around their neck. Chris was fourth to go. She caught glimpses of the word liability as she flipped through a stack of documents. That wasn't frightening at all.

Once everyone was locked in as a member of the facility, and each had their clearance cards, they gathered before a bolted metal door. Soon a man who introduced himself as Jay began speaking, the features of his face void and controlled.

“Today the 4DB wants to talk to each of you. Individually,” he looked up over his glasses. “We will be monitoring everything. You will have a microphone attached to your chest. However, our studies have proven that we cannot hear the 4DB through the recording equipment-”

“How is that possible?” Interrupted a young man. Chris could see from his I.D. that his name was Nathan; he'd been the one to smile at her the night before.

Jay's expression flattened and wrinkled, as if he'd had to deal with this particular subject for too long already. “We have theories and those are currently classified. Now, you will go in alphabetical order and have thirty minutes each.”

Morgan cautiously rose her hand like this was a classroom. “And... what if something goes... wrong?” She questioned.

Jay blinked, Then he said: “Let's begin. Airhart Morgan, you're first,” he unlocked the great metal door.

Her eyes went wide and she froze like a rabbit on the road. Jay nearly had to force her in. After all, she was under contract now. She signed the papers like everyone else- as if they had a choice. She had to do this. Morgan took tiny bunny steps inside. When she left the room thirty minutes later her eyes were downcast and lips a tight line. She didn't want to talk.

“Artrip Cole,” Jay called.

Chris's kind older acquaintance just about skipped to the door. As everyone sat in wait for his thirty minutes to be up, Chris couldn't help but feel like she was in a doctor's office, which was of course the closest thing to purgatory one may get. She imagined the white-coat Jay as a gatekeeper, his voice calling forward those to be judged by a scrutinizing doctor's glare. Cole returned just as happy as he'd entered.

“Barker John,” Jay called.

“Boucher Aaron,” Jay called.

“Hunter Nathan,” Jay called.

Chris had been waiting for two and a half hours now. Everyone who had already spoken to the creature had left the waiting room so she remained alone. She'd had enough time to conjure up some good questions, and every time someone else came from the room with a strange expression she added a question more. Nathan came from the door and silently left the room.

“Sain Chrysanthemum,” Jay called. “Last one up.”

She stood. She slowly made way to the door. She stopped there a moment, thinking.

“Go on. Don't have all day,” Jay nudged her back.

“Right, sorry,” she nodded, entering.

Chris watched the door close gently behind her. Then there, in the center of the room, was a massive neon pink square twice her size. She gawked, speechless, and all the questions she'd accumulated leaked from her brain onto the white floor.

“Chrysanthemum,” came that loud, near mono-tone voice. It rushed into her head yet sounded from every direction at once. “Good to see you again, though I have been watching.”

She didn't register what had been said and instead stepped tentatively closer to the square. Chris was so distracted by it that she hadn't even been bothered when the 4DB called her by her full name. “What is this thing? Woah.” As she tried to walk around the square it followed. No matter what angle she took it remained a flat, consistent shape.

“It is equipment. You may only see a piece of its face or its inside, and it turns as you turn. It records your voice and your movement, just as that little equipment on your chest.”

She lifted her hand, her eyes following the plain to its high top. It felt...strangely textured. Like a giant sheet of paper, but more solid or plastic. She'd expected it to feel smooth.

The 4DB, on its other end, tilted themself curiously. “You are the only one who has touched it. Are you not still afraid, little creature?”

Chris dropped her hand and backed away. “I... guess I am a little. It's impossible not to be a little afraid of something that can bend reality. You, uuugh,” she shuttered, holding herself. “Touched my insides. It was like feeling an eel wriggle around in there.”

“Tell me about your government,” it asked abruptly, changing the subject.

She rose her brows and stared at the pink square like it was an eye. “What, the president wasn't good enough for that? Heard you talked to him.”

“You do not ask a government to judge itself. You ask those whom it affects. You work for this government and were chosen from a pool of many,” it explained. “So you will tell me.”

Chris paced slowly, looking at the ground. There was something between the lines with what it said and it bothered her. Finally, she said with no small amount of fear: “Or what?”

The 4DB was taken back. They had not expected that particular response, despite the rivers of possible time before them. “Or what?”

“I'll tell you... or what?” She waved a hand. “The scientists told us only so much, and Heaven knows they didn't give us time to read those lengthy contracts and legal documents. I'm not an idiot. We're being forced here against our will, right? There really wasn't a choice for us to come here or stay. We can't leave,” Chris stopped pacing. “If one of us doesn't cooperate like you want, will you kill us, Gabriel?”

“My name is not Gabriel.”

Chris blanked. Then she nearly doubled over with laughter, tears budding at her eyes. “That- that- all that and you only get one thing from it?”

“...I am... for once... confused,” the 4DB admitted sheepishly. “Why are you laughing? You didn't answer my question.”

She wiped the water from her eyes and caught her breath, feeling somewhat less tense. Really, of all she had just asked the thing only heard Gabriel. It reminded Chris of herself. This creature did not understand the people it was studying at all, and she supposed that was why it wanted to so badly.

“You didn't answer mine either!” She shook her head and leaned on the wall, feeling much lighter.

The 4DB's many, many tentacles twirled absentmindedly, again and again around themselves like a pool of snakes. “Your planet, your universe, your dimension, is of some interest to retain. However... you are small. And there are billions more to see.”

She felt sort of dizzy now, as if the absurdity of the situation was hitting her all over again. Just like when the creature first spoke to her in that parking lot. Chris had to let her mind slow down before speaking, though Gabriel didn't seem to care.

“So you mean yes. Yes, if we don't cooperate you'll kill us. Maybe the whole planet too,” she sighed and rubbed a hand down her cheek. “What do you want from us so badly that you'd hold us hostage for a little information?”

“We are deciding if you are worth the space you occupy, little creature,” the 4DB explained, though there was far more to it than that. After the ranting Chris had done they nearly felt too guilty to admit that playing with tiny insignificant things was just fun. Like an ant farm. One could nurture the ants or one could drown then. Were the ants of the Earth worth nurturing? That was yet to be determined.

She drummed her fingers on her forearm. So, she'd have to prove her worth. That scared her. All she could think about was that dream she'd had when she'd passed out. Those tiny, tiny shapes jittering on a plain below her feet. How they screamed in confusion. How she'd crushed a building by accident as she fell through the world. Chris looked up at the pink eye sullenly.

“Well. I guess you answered my questions, so. Our government is a business. It didn't used to be, but it is now. I mean, well it was always sort of a business, but it also sorta used to mean more than that,” she stared off in thought.

“Continue.”

She sighed and drummed her fingers on an arm some more. “There used to be more trust in it I think. But it's gotten so inflated, so... off from what it should be that even more 'traditional' thinkers are thinking twice. I guess I'm not helping my people's cause am I?” She asked sadly.

The 4DB leaned in close, keeping their body just inches from crossing the plain. “So that is how you see your leaders. Now Chris, how do they see you?”

She furrowed her brows and chewed her cheek for a moment. Then she shrugged. “Well I work for them, technically. They give me benefits. They keep the lights on. But just like any other business if I were to, for whatever reason, lose that job, I would automatically lose those benefits.”

“Explain further,” coaxed the 4DB curiously.

She liked complaining about the government as much as the next guy but it was just way too much to unravel. Hell, it wasn't like she was an expert. Chris tried, but the 4DB always had just one more question. She'd explain what 'benefits' were and then suddenly the creature wanted to know why benefits were necessary at all.

“So if your government takes your job away your health is no longer provided for?” They scrutinized.

Chris felt like these questions were just digging her in a deeper and deeper ditch. She wanted the encounter to end already. “It's not like that everywhere. Most governments don't treat their people like that.”

“That is for the others to decide,” they said.

“Others?”

They nodded invisibly. “We work to gauge your species around the planet. As a whole. I am not the only one.”

Chris stayed quiet, thinking that over. So maybe she didn't just get the world marked for destruction. Even if she thought her own government was pretty shit most of the time, the other countries around the world would surely help humanity's cause. Maybe, on average, humanity wouldn't look so bad. Maybe the 4DBs would show mercy.

“Your time is up, the workers would like you to leave the chamber. We will talk again soon, Chris.”

She drummed her fingers on her arm and stared at the tall pink square. It gave her weird mixed feelings. Finally she straightened herself and gave a small smile. “Hey, you said my name right. Too bad, you're still Gabriel,” she winked and made for the door.

Though annoyed, Gabriel replied as the door shut: “If you wish.”

Go see chapter 3 (and the rest of the story) on Patreon, otherwise stick around and wait for it to go public :}

[dundeey]

i think im going to fucking lose my mind. trying to study for upcoming exams which is going to go jackshit because digital classes are a fucking failure. but okay. i study anyway and i take adhd meds because else its fucking impossible to even start. but there is so much fucking noise around me even the meds cant save me (joy emoji). the people in my house (why the fuck are we accepting guests right now?) are loud. my neighbors are fucking maniacs and make me feel like i live in the fucking jungle. cant everyone just shut the fucking hell up for a fucking second. adhd is literally such a fucking curse like i dont care what anyone says about learning to accept yourself uwu how the hell am i supposed to make peace with this fucking parasite of a disorder that ive struggled with from the day im born and will struggle with until the day i die. let me tell you i have a lot more shit going on besides adhd and i can guarantee you that if i had to choose, i would take my personality disorders, body dysmorphia, trauma and whatever the fuck over adhd ANY DAY. if lobotomies could cure adhd i would fucking sign up for it. society is made by neurotypicals for neurotypicals and trying to survive in it with adhd feels fucking impossible. im failing school??? no. the schoolsystem fails ME. what a failure of a system when it only caters to the well-off, healthy neurotypical. ANYWAY! i dont think people understand how disgustingly difficult it is to concentrate on something when concentrating or even finding the ability to start on something takes all of your energy and willpower. and even then, youre not rewarded. youre punished by all the distractions around you, and you try so hard to fight it, but it feels like youre straight up torturing your own brain. its like its begging you to stop and let go, but you know you cant, because if you do, you fail. you fail in school, you fail in work, you fail in life. everyone seems to be able and competent in absolutely everything while doing absolutely nothing, while you shed blood sweat and tears just to get somewhere, and its rarely good enough. and while we’re at it let me tell you how much i fucking hate those posts that talk about adhd symptoms. because neurotypicals see that shit, and they go, wow that is so me! no... let me tell you something... that is not you xD casually listing adhd symptoms in a very, very vague and broad way, allows anyone and everyone to relate to it. its because they do not understand how severe these symptoms are, how extreme they are when they present themselves. how debilitating they are, and how much impact that has on your life. they dont know it, because they dont experience it, and even if you explained it to them, they could never imagine it. they cannot fathom it. its beyond them. if youre a neurotypical, you will never, *ever*, understand what its like to be neurodivergent. ever. things in life come and go. from sadness, to love, to freedom, to wealth, to mental health. adhd is not one of those things. adhd is *a part of you*. it does not infest your brain (though it certainly feels like it), it *is* your brain. if there’s a way to alter your brain without killing yourself, i’d like to find it. 

[migleefulmoments]

"No one will ever convince me he made that statement, and if you listen to his ACTUAL words about that, he didn’t say he wouldn’t take any more LGBTQ roles." Darren literally said that the gay community would have his head if he took another gay role but somehow to tinhats like Cassie, that means the next role he takes will be a gay character. I guess Darren meant that he knows the gay community will try to murder him, but he has faith in his ability to avoid their attempts. They're such freaks.

When they make grandiose and sweeping statements like this, I feel the full weight of the disinformation campaign they all embrace. Cassie claims “When you listen to his actual words…he didn’t say he wouldn’t take any more LGBTQ roles” so we have to see if she’s telling the truth or she’s manipulating reality in order to soothe their anxiety and allow them to easily fetishize the gay version of Darren. 

What did Darren say? (You can read the entire Bustle piece (X))

“There are certain [queer] roles that I’ll see that are just wonderful,“ Criss explains when we speak at a recent event for Clorox’s What Comes Next in New York, a few days after he returned from an overseas tour with his Glee co-star Lea Michele. ”But I want to make sure I won’t be another straight boy taking a gay man’s role.“Although Criss says it’s “been a real joy” playing queer characters like Blaine, Cunanan, and Hedwig in the Broadway musical Hedwig and the Angry Inch, he now doesn’t feel comfortable taking those roles, which is “unfortunate,” he says. “The reason I say that is because getting to play those characters is inherently a wonderful dramatic experience,” he adds. “It has made for very, very compelling and interesting people.”

One of the reasons they claim they don’t think Darren said the words is because they claim that print interviews are fake: 

12/18/18  ajw720 answered: 

I would like to see a video as well, nonnie, as I don’t actually think he said any of this shit. Print articles are never, ever to be trusted. They are generally fabricated.  

If you recall nonnie, D himself called out an article earlier this year (it may even be the one referred to in this piece of crap) for taking a quote of his out of context about his Filipino Heritage, likely as he was sick of being called white repeatedly.  Fact is, while he is able to correct the “white” narrative, he, at this time, is not able to correct the straight narrative so he can’t even defend himself when this utter nonsense is published in his name.

First of all print articles aren’t generally fabricated and most CAN be trusted if you vet them properly. Claiming  “ALL print articles are fabricated”- and therefore not to be trusted is a perfect cctrope because it gives them the out they need to label everything they don’t like-every single quote, every single story, and every single description as fake news. It’s the perfect strategy for ignoring everything Darren talks about that proves he isn’t Blarren- all the puns and sexual innuendos, all the crude comments, all the sweet things he says about Mia or his sexuality. All they have to do is remind their followers that it was in a print article and Woosh- it’s invalid. Trump is doing the same thing with his base-he’s grooming them to believe that the media is dangerous and that everyone fabricates stories about him. He calls them “the enemy of the people” so when the. NYT proves he laundered money for years through the Russian mafia or that he actively cheated during the 2016 election and is trying to cheat in 2020, his base will scream “fake news” and threaten to go all 2nd amendment on the rest of us.  

Once again Abby uses something to prove her point but misses the fact that it actually proves she’s full of shit- Darren did push back on the interview where he was misquoted regarding his Filipino heritage but he hasn’t pushed back on any other interview he’s ever given. We can see he’s capable of pushing back, he’s interested in making sure he is quoted accurately and yet we’ve seen no other example- the reasonable conclusion is that is because the other interviews weren’t misquoted.    

e Bustle piece and understand that he said he will no longer play LGBTQ characters. It’s clear that Darren has a far deeper understanding of the issue than Cassie and Abby.  Splitting hairs and claiming he didn’t specifically say he would never play a bisexual or trans character is stupid. What Cassie and Abby are missing in the article is this paragraph:

This conversation about straight actors being cast in gay roles is about more than just LGBTQ actors losing out on Oscars, of course. It’s about Hollywood missing an opportunity to embrace new talent who would better serve these stories. And over the years, actors like Criss have become more sensitive to these types of concerns. The Versase star understands that there is an added honesty to actor getting to play characters who share their identities. “The commitment to that drama is told in such a way that it can really effectively reach people’s lives,” Criss says. “I think that really is important.”

Abby gets her wish- there is an audio recording of him making this statement-albeit it was 4 months prior to the Bustle interview and he seems to have evolved his understanding of the importance of representation in those 4 months. In the Hollywood Reporter interview he said:  

“….But I do think about that now, you know, if roles come by that are LGBT leaning - I really think it would be insensitive to the gay community if I were to take another role. I think they’d have my head. You know, I would totally understand that. So I’m certainly cognizant of it. And while it is very tricky, I think the discussion and the questioning is really really important. And I think it’s good that we’re uncertain and I hope that we can find some kind of balance.” -Darren Criss, 8/26/18 

I am an idiot and can’t remember how I got the audio portion of the interview on to my blog so I have to refer you to my old post if you want to hear Darren say the words (X). 

I think you are correct- Darren is well aware the gay community will kill him but he doesn’t care because he has superpowers. 

EDIT** I found this charming comment from Chrisdare who is a “journalist” yet she knows nothing about journalism. I got in an argument with her once and she schooled me that journalists aren’t educated.and will say anything a publicist tells them too.  Whatever, Valentina,  Google should be your friend.     

Anonymous asked: It wouldn’t matter if you saw a video because you wouldn’t believe it anyway. You would say he was being forced to say it. Fact is CCers haven’t believed a thing

ajw720 answered:I believe many things nonnie. I also have a deep and fundamental understanding about hollywood works nonnie and that is something you clearly lack.

Further, if D was straight, i believe he would never allow them to portray him as an asshole.  D is an incredibly intelligent human being, he knows exactly how negatively the straight push reflects on him. and frankly, it would not be necessary if he exclusively slept with female persons with vaginas.

Have a nice life living in delusionville.    

chrisdarebashfulsmiles JCS shut the f** up. 

When we talk about articles and how they are made we talk about facts. I hate when you come here busting balls on professional stuff when you don’t know anything. You can’t even imagine all the shit we do as journalist

It’s not a matter of cc but the fact they are ruining D’s life and career. And if you are a fan you need to start opening your eyes and stop being an enabler. I swear you should feel guilty when he will come out because you helped keeping him in the closet.

Talk about dellusionville! 

**********Edit Edit *******(X)

chrisdarebashfulsmiles  Because there’s a power of attorney that allows RR and Ab to do so. To say something D has to prove that the article is harmful and he has to do it through a legal action. And this means breach of contract with all it entails like the two years of stop from signing an anything.

That IS NOT how “power of attorney” works.  But nice try- 10 points for originality and imagination! 

***Edit Edit Edit *********

Anonymous asked: An article you should read to help you understand how journalism works .tinyurl/com/y9s49tms. German Reporter At Der Spiegel Fired for Fabricating Stories “On A Grand Scale”. “I’m so angry, horrified, shocked, stunned,” Der Spiegel deputy foreign editor Mathieu von Rohr tweeted Wednesday. “Claas Relotius faked, he cheated on us all.” Journalists can’t just make up stories or publish falsities no matter how much you want to believe that is happening in Hollywood.

chrisdarebashfulsmiles answered: It’s amazing how is crystal clear that you never worked in a magazine or in a PR firm. I work since 2004 and I don’t need an article… I know how it works. We aren’t talking about WSJ and serious stuff. We are talking about gossip and showbusiness so don’t try to be smug because you are failing.

Have nice day/ night wherever you are. :) it’s evening here and I’m enjoying my free time.

bjpb8 Oh, my gosh who is this person. People thrive on gossip and “Rags”. IT SELLS. First begain with papers like En/quire, The Globe, etc. Then spread to SM with blinds. You think other magazines and papers do not want to make money. Everyone prints what sells depending on audiences. Embellishment is part of the trade. They want to catch your interest, which feeds right into what PR wants to sell! Tts a sybiotic relationship at best! It is just some are more talented at making what sounds like truth out of lies. Its called entertainment. You might want ro “read” about it.

The author of the Bustle interview has a master’s degree in journalism from CUNY New York so it is more like the wall street journal than it is the “website” you work for Valentina. Journalists have a degree in journalism.  Anyone can be a blogger - you’ve proved that. 

****Edit Edit Edit Edit *******

D/arren did not write that post! (X) 

12/19/18

ajw720 I have enough faith in Dar/ren Cri/ss personality and his respect and love for his fans to know that the comments attributed to him were not his.  I’ve seem this happen before…I’m sure many of you have, also.  Darr/en is stuck between a rock and a hard place right now.  When he finally writes a memoir about this time, he will let us know about his anquish, anger and remorse.  If one is a TRUE CC and Dar/ren fan, after years of roller-coaster rides via PR, et al…I will continue to take the advice of the person that runse THIS SITE.  “Trust the process…”

***********************************************************************

@geminess We have to trust the process and believe that C and D are working hard towards an ending to this absolute tragedy that is legally clean and does not jeopardize either of their careers.  

I believe in them, I cannot accept that D would ever willingly choose to represent himself in this manner and to continue this nightmare of a charade surrounded by utterly and completely vile, disgusting human beings.

Please, please, please may we be right.  I cannot repeat enough there is no alternative ending that is acceptable but D breaking free by ending this sham of an encage, severing ties with his inhumane team, and eventually coming out.  

And yesterday proved once again just how frightening the alternative is.  I would fear for his career and his life.  And it baffles and amazes me that anyone watching, even if you believe he is the straightest man alive, cannot see how harmful that article was.  It was like he used the LGBT+ community to win his awards and is now ready to dismiss them.

(X) 12/19/18

Anonymous asked: On the bright side, this means we’re coming to the end right?

ajw720 answered: Anon, we honestly don’t know, but we can only hope. If D extends his time with these assholes, it will be very ugly for him personally and professionally.

But logic seems to say that this article, the literally offends every fan but the blind and naive, is wholly unnecessary if in fact they are going to continue a professional relationships. And it did not just the fans, think about how many award voters they offended yesterday with that utter piece of crap.

Absolutely and utterly unreal. Hard to believe they are able to get away with working against their client at every turn.

Logic? One thing the cc fandom has proven in the last 10 years is that they do not understand or care about logic. 

12/24/18 (X)

ajw720 It’s interesting how there are such varying opinions on the “straight boy” article. And I think it comes down to 2 questions:

1. Do you believe D is a willing participant in his closeting?

2. Do you believe he actually said what the article alleges?

My answer to both is a resounding no (though he will be forced to validate the comments) and I have good reason to think this. But I certainly see why ones perspective is different if you answer one or both as yes.

This being said, no matter your answers to the above, I don’t see how it can be justified that he would dismiss b/laine in such a manner. And the timing, because I still think it makes him look like an ass and /or a coward as awards are voted for playing queer. And to repeat, I don’t think he should play queer again until his team is dismissed, so I’m not disagreeing with the premise, just the manner it was done, which again, I believe was without his consent.

Not posting to start a fight. Everyone is entitled to an opinion. I clearly am not afraid to state mine, which is very reasoned and based on a lot of information I’ve collected.

Just interesting that some very intelligent people, all of whom believe he’s closeted, can vary so much in what they believe.

[graciehart]

Lover track by track

SO. I’m currently out of the country and it took me awhile to finish this, but I’m sharing my thoughts for anyone who cares to read it. There’s SO much more to say and I wish it was better written because I like when words are nice and convey exactly what you want to say (I’m doing this all on my phone) but you get the general feel and that’s what’s important, the emotions. Come talk to me if you want!!!!

I tried to put a read more but I’m not sure if I can on mobile? Because mobile is its own special nightmare so I’m soRRY

I Forgot That You Existed | The way this song starts (and the whole thing) reminds me a lot of a Lauv song. Something about it just does. It’s a wonderful start to the album, I think, because it IS her moving on, but it isn’t yet the level of “step into the daylight and let it go.” It’s the first step; it’s realizing that not everyone deserves a place in your life, but closer to Reputation than other songs on the album (like the “so... yeah” which I LOVE but, I think, has a slightly different attitude than she ends with). I love her delivery of different lines in this song; you can hear the freedom in her comments, giggles, and speaking.

Cruel Summer | I saw a post that said fans of “Getaway Car” would like this one and I GET IT now. It’s inexplicably tied to that song in my mind, something about the production and melody and everything, even the ending on the third beat. And I love it. One thing I’ve missed about pre-1989 is her lyrics; not to say any album of hers doesn’t have insanely clever and meaningful lyrics (because they all do), but I think there is just something so incredible about her Speak Now and Red lyrics especially. It’s part of why pop music in general isn’t my main genre. But this early on and I knew Lover was everything I have ever wanted in a pop album. “Taylor Swift” is its own genre, and will always be my favorite genre, but this song just... so perfectly marries her older songwriting with her newer song production. Her voice when she calls him a devil oh my that was god tier I swear—and lines like “devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes” and “in these trying times we’re not trying” are so clever and akdjslsjsk I love Taylor Alison Swift.

Lover | She mentioned that the album was almost called Daylight and even though I might’ve preferred that (lover is still not my favorite word), I’m so happy that “Lover” is the, as she calls it, flagship song. There is a palpable warmth and security in the tone of the song, and you can hear her smile as she sings. She is in love—a real, steadfast, quiet love. A love that isn’t composed of extraordinary moments that her younger self fantasized about in songs, but of little details and daily routines and the way love’s presence pervades every aspect of life.

The Man | Ugh she IS a fearless leader, she IS the alpha type—to write a song with as much BDE as this you have to be. She is the shit and she knows it, and I love the lyrics and vocabulary of the song! Like how she talks about being able to separate behavior from ideas and accomplishments or actions from character—it’s such a difficult thing to really work into a song as seamlessly as she does. Also, THE BRIDGE. Holy moly. I think it’s one of my favorite bridges on the album. I had no idea how badly I needed to hear her say “bitch” like this. I love her.

The Archer | I SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME! I SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME!!!! Also, the transition into “you could stay...” is just so beautiful. And I think it’s such an interesting choice that she doesn’t end it there, that she goes back to combat. It echoes what she says in “I Forgot That You Existed,” that she would’ve fought the whole town for them. She’s opening herself up to someone new and asking them to stay, but saying that if they do, she’s ready to fight for this love.

I Think He Knows | “Boy, I understand.” That’s it that’s the whole tweet. (Not). But also the snaps and “we can follow the sparks, I’ll drive” is just ?!?!!! Mind blowing. She’s incredible.

Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince | Okay... this was the most unexpected love for me, even though I know titles don’t mean anything, I was so surprised how much I love this one. I love the “okay!” and the way she yells different words, it really echoes the sounds of a high school sports game and that’s just so smart because that’s the theme of this song. I don’t know it’s just SO GOOD. And there are some really heartbreaking lyrics (“you are the only one who seems to care,” “no cameras catch my pageant smile/muffled cries”) where you just get this sense of loneliness and fear and in its own way it reminds me of “Safe and Sound,” when she says “don’t you dare look out your window.” The five of this song feels like her holding her lover’s hand and running behind him with their heads down through the storm of a high school hallways—“now the storm is coming but it’s you and me, that’s my whole world.”

Paper Rings | For whatever reason, this song gives me major “The Middle” vibes. I saw someone say that it’s “‘Stay Stay Stay’ 2.0” and it makes it even more adorable because then she was daydreaming about real love again... and now she’s here. The prechorus is everything, so much of this album has left me incoherent with its sheer perfection and genius honestly it’s so hard to comprehend... her MIND. It’s so cute I hate I can’t believe I literally could cry and also there’s one part where she says “I’m with YOU!” and it made me think she’s saying “YOU!” in the way she says “ME!” with that pure celebration and joy and loving him because he’s the only one of him, too. I’m with YOU like ME also that sigh and how she says she wants ALL of it, the complications and dreary Mondays and to have him in ALL her dreams, good, bad, and in-between. Just like she wants his midnights... she wants all the midnight moments, the celebrations, the magic... but ALSO wants to be around for absolutely everything, cleaning up bottles on New Year’s Day. The everyday, quiet moments of companionship.

Cornelia Street | Oh... this one is surprisingly hard for me to listen to. When I first heard “Lover,” I brought up this Brené Brown quote about rehearsing tragedy—she talks about how joy is the most vulnerable emotion we experience. It’s so hard to immerse ourselves in joy because of how fragile it feels (she says it more eloquently), and that’s where this song hits for me. “Lover” is her being able to experience joy and contentment and let go of the need to prepare for the worst while “Cornelia Street” references the pull to dress rehearse tragedy. The song captures the risk of opening up to happiness, love, joy, any good feeling... because how could you survive if you lose that? Isn’t it better if you never feel so deeply and don’t have to worry about what’ll happen if you lose it? And she talks about that fear, about not wanting to open up and risk being hurt or made a fool of when she says she left Cornelia Street... but then he showed his hand (don’t even get me started on that line oh my heart). That song walks that delicate line of not dress rehearsing tragedy, but really conveying the vulnerability in finding any kind of love. And I love that she ties it to a street, to this concrete place that is nothing spectacular but for her is associated with her most cherished memories. Because that’s the other thing about love and loss—it’s not only extraordinary moments that matter. Love touches every part of your life.

Death by a Thousand Cuts | What a METAPHOR. Like holy shit. “Flashbacks waking me up,” “looking through the windows,” “can’t pretend it’s okay when it’s not.” It’s death by a thousand cuts. It’s prolonged and painful and persistent. It lingers. Ugh her MIND is just so brilliant and I feel so lucky that I happen to be alive at the same time as her? Like how wild is that???? “Paper cut stings from my paper thin plans” is so clever?? The way she says “lawless” is so good???? And the LONELINESS of asking a traffic light if it will be alright... of hoping for a sign, any kind of sign. And rather than saying she found comfort or affirmation, she says their answer was “I don’t know.” The courage and loneliness and fear and heartbreak of living with that uncertainty... this is So Much™

London Boy | This song is so Pure 🥺 Like... that’s it that’s the song it’s so fucking cute and simple and sweet, using all these London terms... it is Soft and Pure there is no other way to describe this song.

Soon You’ll Get Better | I knew as soon as I heard about this song that it would be one of my favorites because it’s just who I am... but this song is so beautiful and reminds me of her older work because of how simple the production is. I think a lot of why I love this song is the same as why I love “You Learn to Live Without” and my analysis would be similar—the chorus is so simple and repetitive because she’s repeating it to herself, to her family, to anyone. “You’ll get better soon... because you have to.” It’s like telling someone, promising them, that it’ll be okay; you can’t know, you can’t ever know. But sometimes you say it because you have to. Because there’s no other option. In “You Learn to Live Without,” it’s a similar situation... almost every line starts with what “you learn” how to do. It’s repetitive and she relies on that when she falters. It feels like there’s no way to survive such a devastating loss, but you learn, because you have to. There’s no other option. The song is so simple and the lyrics are everything that makes Taylor Swift music so special. Personal, specific, and yet relatable in, even because of, its specificity. You can hear her shaky breaths, which is always devastating. The bridge took my breath away because I’ve expressed those exact feelings before, and it hurts my heart that she’s felt it but it also is why I love her so much, because it connects so deeply.

False God | Going from “Soon You’ll Get Better” to this is a LOT (to be fair, anything would be) but it also reminds me of desperation and makes sense in that way—how you turn to anything at all, even a false god, if it will help you make it through. And that line about daring him to leave her... what a mood. But also bless Joe Alwyn. Also we neED TO TALK ABOUT THE FLAWLESS TRANSITION INTO YNTCD THAT WAS SO SATISFYING HER M I N D.

You Need to Calm Down | The “oh-oh” totally gets to me because when she was about 12-14 months, my focal child used to go “uh-oh” in almost the exact same way, so I always hear it in her voice. I love these lyrics because they’re just... so fun?? To shout???? And SHADE NEVER MADE ANYBODY LESS GAY SO

Afterglow | I had no idea what to expect from this song, but I love it. The connection she makes about fighting because there’s “chemistry until it blows” is so good because then you can really picture and understand what she means when she says “meet me in the afterglow.” It’s the quiet after the storm, when things are calm and hazy and you can take a step back and reflect. You can truly listen. And if you stay, like she asks him to, you can survive it. You may even have a stronger relationship because of it. And she wrote this song about taking responsibility and the messy parts of a relationship and how hard it is when you hurt someone you love and it’s just so beautiful that she allows us into this process, all the messy and flawed lessons in learning how to heal and forgive and love.

ME! | I’m so proud of her for reaching this point because it’s true, she’s the only one of her. There will never be another Taylor Swift... her incredible ability to write songs, to make music, to connect, her generosity, her love, everything about her... she is SO special.

It’s Nice to Have a Friend | I’m going to give this one a little more time because I love the idea of the song, the lyrics, the simplicity, but I need more time to really decide how I feel.

Daylight | This song makes me so emotional in the way I always get when I listen to “Call It What You Want” and hear how happy she is, she’s doing better than she ever was... she’s so happy and I love her so much and this is all I wanted for her agh but also this song, what a beautiful song. “I’ll tell you the truth but never goodbye” is just... unconditional love. I’m in love with the way she sings “daylight,” it echoes the entire song. Something about it is just lighter, louder in a soft, airy, ethereal way. It gets lighter, like you can hear it take on the quality of daylight. There’s so many things calling it back to old songs, too. I kept thinking about “this love is glowing in the dark” because this song is about how love, true love, is golden like daylight. It glows. And how she’s been sleeping in the darkest, longest night, but now all she sees is daylight. This love glows in the dark and glows so bright that it overcomes it. And then she so explicitly calls back to “Red” and how she used to think love would be burning red, but she’s realized instead that it’s golden. Red love is so fiery and passionate in all its emotions, and the idea of something being fiery means that it could, occasionally, be golden, when it’s glowing bright. But that’s an intense golden... this golden is soft. Ethereal is the best word I have for it. She sings of golden daylight, and this song is that—daylight. It’s true gold; it isn’t burning red because it’s softer. It’s warmth, not heat. It’s contentment, it’s quiet, it’s safety, it’s trust, it’s reconciliation. It’s illuminating, but not blinding. I just... this song is bursting with warmth and softness and light and I can’t get over it or put it into better words.

tl;dr I love Taylor Swift with my whole heart and Lover is simply incredible and, quite frankly, THAT bitch. 💘💕✨

[velvet-tread]

I wanted to get your perspective because you ship it and most of us have bias against it. Do you think Bell loves Echo as much as Clarke? I think he’s in love with her but does he love her as much or will he possibly discover in s5 that he doesn’t love her as much???Not trying to cheapen becho’s loving relationship, just wanted your thoughts.

Nonny -  you did not ask for part of the below to bean essay on Why Becho Are In Love Goddammit, so I apologise to you bc I knowyou said it in the ask. But to everyone else I’m not sorry because I loved writingit all and I WANTED TO GET IT OFF MY CHEST OKAY.

Good evening Nonny, and thank you for your interesting andwell-constructed ask. Judging by some of the rhetoric I’ve seen over the pastfew days, there’s a very real risk of people throwing up in their mouths overwhat follows so I hope everyone remembers to floss and brush afterwards.  Look after your tooth enamel kids, it can’tbe replaced.

So. Let’s begin.

I very much agree with you: Bellamy and Echo are in lovewith one another.

WAIT – HOLD YOUR SICKBAGS – THERE’S MORE.

Not only are Bellamy and Echo in love with one another butit is explicit between them.  That’sright friends, I am 100% sure that Bellamy and Echo have done that. No not that, although yes also that and lots of times upside down andprobably sideways too. No I mean they’ve done the Big ILU.

Why do I think that? A number of reasons but let’s startwith the storytelling.

If I were to construct a story in which one of myprotagonists falls back to Earth and immediately falls into conflict with arelative, another protagonist, let’s say a beloved sister, I would want thatconflict to mean something.  In fact, I’dwant it to mean the most.  And if that conflict was related to a romanticrelationship that one of these protagonists had, I would want all of those relationshipsto have high stakes so that I could really milk all the emotional impact of thechoices these protagonists make.

You know what doesn’t have high stakes? Lukewarmquasi-relationships in which nobody – or only one person - is truly invested.

And you know, if I were to really go to town on thisbrother-sister YOU CAN’T DATE [X] BECAUSE [REASONS] storyline, I may alsoconsider echoing a previous relationship that the other sibling had, which hadsimilarly high stakes and over which the two siblings nearly destroyed eachother.

See, I’ve seen the argument that Echo is a lot more intoBellamy that he is into her, and from a character perspective there’s a slimpossibility I’d buy it if it weren’t for the fact that we know that the show is setting up some kind of conflict betweenthe Blakes – in which Bellamy needs to actually give a personal shit about hisrelationship with Echo - or a complication between Bellamy and Echo thatultimately splits them up, which, again, requires Bellamy to feel that loss ifit if there’s to be any point to it at all.

And if, for example, I was also planning to break out an arcfor a character who hadn’t really had one before, for whom the audience hasonly really viewed through the prism of the protagonist POV, I would want that character’s relationshipwith my protagonist to reach its peak before I take her solo. Echoliterally breaking free of the chains of being something to Bellamy?  Howvery meta.

So, from that narrative start point, if the show wants toconvince me that Bellamy and Echo’s relationship doesn’t have very high stakesfor them both, it’s going to have to work quite hard.

Which it does not.

Of course we all have our own personal experiences whichshape our perception of what “love” and “not in love” looks like.  But for me? Bellamy and Echo in 501 is whatpeople in love look like.  By which Imean physical and emotional intimacy, touching, eye contact, openness, synchronicityof movement, comfort, understanding, tenderness and, most importantly,communication.

Because what struck me about their introduction to us as acouple is that clearly, this is not the first time Bellamy and Echo havediscussed what their relationship means. This wasn’t, we’re going to the ground, don’t you think we ought to talkabout what we even are?  This was: youknow that thing we talked about?  Willthat change now we’re going to the ground? I’m scared. (and my babies, youshould be)

All of which, by the way is 100% the way loving, emotionallyopen stable long-term relationships work, or should do.  Defining yourselves as a unit and constantlyadapting to the changing dynamic is a thing that happens in long-termrelationships. It’s a sign of confidence, not a lack of it. Which kiiiiiind ofleads me back to what I was saying in my original post about multishipping, inthat the point of Bellamy being in a relationship at all is the show punchingus with BELLAMY IS HAPPY, BELLAMY IS STABLE, BELLAMY IS IN LOVE, ALL OF THIS ISABOUT TO BLOW UP IN HIS FACE.

So, now that everyone has emptied their stomachs I’m goingto move on to Bellarke, and s5.

I’m going to find this hard to extrapolate, and I may needto revisit this after the Bellarke reunion because I feel Becho very much atmand Bellarke seems a bit…idk abstract?  ButI know when I see them reunite I’ll want to break through space and time and physically make them smoosh their preciousfaces together.

Ahem.

So, you’ll have noticed that I spent a great deal of timeabove pointing out how Bellamy and Echo’s relationship looks like a normalloving long-term relationship. Now Bellarke, Bellarke is not that, not yet. Butthe thing is, it doesn’t matter. What Bellarke has is what I’d describe ascosmic. I don’t think it would matter where they were in the world, or whatsituation they were in, if they knew the other was alive they’d gravitatetowards each other.  They’d always seekeach other out. In many ways, I don’t think they’re even conscious of it, orcan help it very much.  It’s like a pullneither of them can resist, a presence that never leaves.

And the thing is, that while that is a very romantic idea andfrankly electric to watch on screen, it’s also quite scary. Their dependence oneach other and need for each other is life-affirming, yes.  But it is also TERRIFYING for them both.Losing each other, or even the thought of losing each other, has driven themhalf mad in the past and pushed them to do crazy things.

Whereas Becho – and I mean this in a good way -  is very muchabout choice. No, they didn’t choose to be stranded in space together, but theychose to forgive each other, put their animosity aside.  They chose to do whatever it was they did(headcanon time: war stories and mythology, sparring and trig lessons) thatmade them bond.  They chose their relationshipframework. They chose love.  And I like that.  

It’s mundane, but its life-affirming too in its own way andit is every bit as valid as Bellarke’s crashing-through-the-universenot-talking-about-it shitshow.

(Incidentally, this is one of the reasons I’m so in lovewith the time jump and Bellarke being separate but OK – breaking them out ofthe spiral they were in, and giving them enough joy in their lives to let themmake active choices about who they are to each other).

But I do thinkBellamy’s love for Echo is very context dependent.  Did you ever have a friend that was a part ofyour life during a certain time? Those friends can be some of the most intense,meaningful relationships you have.  Butwhen you move out of your shared context, you drift apart. I think that is whatcould happen with Bellamy and Echo.  Ithink that being back on Earth could bring all of the reasons for theiroriginal antagonism back to the surface. They could find it hard to reclaimtheir dynamic with the ghosts of who they used to be  - Clarke, Octavia and Azgeda – real andpresent and in front of them.

I think the stories they chose to tell themselves about eachother and their lives on earth (stories like “my sister will forgive you”), thestories that made the love they built possible, could start to dissolve as the realityof Earth sets in.

PREDICTION TIME: In short, I think the Bellamy we see inspace will not be the Bellamy we have by the end of the season.  And that Bellamy won’t be able to love Echoin the way Space!Bellamy could, and I don’t think Earth!Echo will be able tolove Earth!Bellamy in that way either.

I won’t make a value judgement because all love is valid. Ithink Bellamy will love Clarke with the same intensity – even if they neverbecame romantic - until one or both of them are on a funeral pyre. But I thinkhe’s more than capable of loving someone else fully at the same time and for itto mean something. Love is not a finite pool.

[hashtagkairideservedbetter]

My main issue(s) with KH3

Spoilers abound, so please don’t read if you haven’t beaten the game or don’t want any negative opinions influencing how you see the ending/ the game. I did enjoy several parts of KH3, but this post is focused on things I had issues with, and if you don’t want to see criticism of your media please look elsewhere. 

This is how I interpreted the game as someone coming into KH3 with KH2 being the last game I played, and a playlist of youtube videos spanning lets plays, summaries, and humorous deconstructions as a codex. 

Here’s the thing. I’ve seen several people already break down how KH3′s story and pacing could have been handled better. Specifically, to more comprehensively tie in the 10,000 plot points that needed to be covered in a way that actually helps connect the main characters. I’m not going to get into all of that, because frankly I can’t fake knowing enough about the background lore of Kingdom Hearts to know how to better juggle all of the intermediary games into KH3. 

Most of my grievances honestly lie with the handling of the Destiny Trio and the Disney Worlds. 

I’m going to do a read more on this because it’s gonna be a long one. (Also very much a train of thought, so disorganized, sorry). 

So. Sora. Protagonist of the game (mostly. kind of?). 

A cheerful ray of sunshine.

A Keyblade wielder who has overcome traumatizing ordeals that tore him away from all he loved and knew at least twice now for over three years. 

A continuity disaster stuck being pinballed back and forth between happy goofs and hollow tragedies every thirty minutes in between busywork battles and off-scene disney films for 85% of KH3. 

I understand that Sora’s greatest power is supposed to be his optimism, as it’s sort of the prerequisite for going through disney worlds where people sing about their problems. I get it.  

However, there’s a difference between, “I’m naive and happy and oblivious and that’s why I’m a guardian of the light,” and “I have battled true darkness and felt true loss and decided that choosing to be kind, choosing to embrace joy in new experiences and relationships, is a bigger middle finger to the darkness than anything else.” Guess which one I prefer. Guess which one I was thinking would finally be Sora’s character arc. Instead he’s happy, happy, happy, happy... and then suddenly in the eleventh hour having a mental breakdown. 

Sora is written into a loop every game of kind, naive, but unchanging (”Don’t ever change, Sora”). That was endearing when we were both 14, but after almost twenty years it gets tiring to watch Sora get hit with a reset button every time you meet up with him again. There’s a scene in the gummi ship early on in the games where Donald asks Sora to “take this seriously,” and Goofy remarks that they seem to be stuck in a rut as Donald and Sora have the same conversation over and over again before entering the first series of Disney worlds. Sora knows he needs the power of waking in order to help his friends and free those trapped in his heart, but seems content to just drop into various worlds and wing it, and hope that it all sort of works out. 

And then when it does work out, and Sora uses the power to save everyone, he’s immediately told he’s doomed now? Like, what was the point of him being able to use this to connect with people if he’s doomed. Why did they want him to have this. What’s the point then of Sora having these strong connections. 

Each world makes a big scene about the friendships and connections that Sora makes so easily, but in KH3 there never seems to be enough time for Sora to actually pay them any attention unless the person is right in front of him. Sora seems to make connections for the sake of making connections in KH3, and the ones he has, he does very little to advance or reconnect with.  

Like, the whole point of 100 Acre Wood this time was apparently that Sora’s connection to Pooh was weaker for some reason. I honestly didn’t understand the reason or how it was magically resolved just from Sora showing up and saying hi? But whatever. 

My two least favorite worlds were Corona and Arendelle, for the same reason. There was no believable connection between Sora and the characters there. For fuck’s sake, the combat ally you get in Arendelle is the snow monster, not even a main character.

Sora is like the living embodiment of the B99 clip of Rosa with her dog. He just met Elsa and spoke a whopping five sentences to her, but damn if he won’t climb a mountain five times just for her to save herself without ever talking to him again. Like, literally that is the only interaction Sora has with Elsa. Same thing with Anna, and in her case I literally had to mute my tv so I could track what she was actually saying since they decided to shove two songs from the movie into this game.  

You spend the majority of your time in these worlds trying to play catch up to the leads as they have their movie play out around the bend in the road in front of you, out of your sight. Props to Disney’s ego that they think I remember the beat by beat plots of their films when they came out 9 years ago (Tangled) and 6 years ago (Frozen). I actually had the thought of going and watching Tangled just to remember what Flynn and Rapunzel got up to while Sora wandered around a marsh and had a pointless conversation with Marluxia. 

(Also, getting real tired of the “Good to see you Sora” “Who the fuck are you?” “Oh that’s right you don’t remember that game haha it’s fine it was a gameboy game nobody even knows what those are anymore.” That shit was getting old midway through KH2.) 

To be fair, the PoTC world suffers from the same problem as the other two. Sora shows up, sees everyone for thirty seconds, gets separated, and while we’re dicking around trying to find white crabs on the islands there’s a whole movie going on that we don’t see or participate in. I feel really bad for anyone who did not keep up with that franchise because I only watched the third movie the once and I was confused as hell. Also, the whole time I was finding the crabs in Port Royal all I could think about was this ProZD video. 

I just. I’m 26 years old. These movies hold no nostalgia for me, and maybe that’s the problem. I already had a connection to Aladdin, Peter Pan, etc, so I was maybe more willing to suspend my disbelief and just enjoy the interactions. But those Disney worlds also felt more tied in to the plot. You can make the argument of Marluxia and Larxene putting pressure on Sora to find the Wayfinders so that six princesses of heart aren’t used as backup... but where are the other three? Anna, Elsa, Rapunzel, and Kairi make four. Where’s Merida, Tiana, Moana? Mulan or Pocahontas even, since Moana was probably too recent. (But probs not, as it was probably starting development in 2014). If that’s going to be yet another subplot, shouldn’t you at least see it through?  

My point is, I can distinctly recall prior games mostly keeping to the established script in the disney worlds, but still letting Sora really get in there and interact with the characters. The heartless, nobodies, etc were a real wrench in the works for the plots, and had an actual effect on how the story was told and the order of events. Sora felt more involved in cutscenes and was an active participant in the world’s events instead of just a bystander. 

In KH1 and KH2 there was a dialogue happening between the villain of each world and a greater evil. Hell, in KH1 they were a unified council! In KH3 they’re puppets who don’t even talk to the bigger bad like Randall or Mother Gothel, or are there for a whopping thirty seconds like Hans. It makes it more and more obvious that the Disney worlds are just being shoehorned in as a contractual obligation than for any real purpose anymore.

 The only world that’s appeared in all three games, Olympus, was especially jarring. Like, you could tell there was a lot of corners cut on what VAs they could get for this game, as Phil does not speak once. Meg spends more time making eyes at Hercules and nodding than showing any of the sass she has from the film. (This was a thing in KH2 as well tho so I can’t complain about them continuing to drop the ball on even background women characters-- Oh wait, I can, because they’ve had T H I R T E E N YEARS to get it right.) 

Which I guess is as good a segue as any into Kairi Time. 

Listen. Did I mention I’m 26? Yeah. I started reading fanfic on livejournal. I was there when AO3 first got its start. I’ve seen the shipping wars. I know the dark past of Soriku vs Sokai.

I couldn’t give less of a fuck. 

These characters are still 16 and I am now 26. I’m fine with them trading noogies and maybe being able to kick back and play some Mario Kart. Kairi would wipe the floor with both of them because she had time to get good enough to beat Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie combined between KH1 and KH2. 

The point is, I don't care one way or the other about shipping. If my 15 year old self were here, they would be horrified I wasn't over the moon when Kairi and Sora finally shared the paopu fruit. As it is, I kind of stared blankly at my screen and went 'huh, there's gonna be a lot of fanfic fixing this moment.'  From both sides, I think, because even if you're into Sokai you gotta admit that moment did not feel romantic. It felt forced. Like "Oh hey, we've been putting this off, huh. Welp, here we go!" 

It doesn't help that I really, truly, don't like whoever Kairi's VA is in this game. Like, she sounds so ditzy and soft. Get that shit out of here. The dialogue and voice acting in this series has never been its strength, but honestly, I cringed my way through every interaction between Kairi and Axel because of how stilted and bad their conversations were! I’m definitely not saying that Kairi’s voice was stellar in 1 and 2, but at least her voice was clear, and had personality, and by the end of 2 was actually fairly strong. She sounded strong, and determined to be fighting with Sora and Riku, green as she was then, in the World That Never Was.

Whenever she talked in the third one I just sort of grit my teeth and wondered why someone on the production team wanted Kairi to sound so weak. 

Then they killed her at the labyrinth and I said, ‘Ah, that tracks.’ 

I played FFXV, so I guess shame on me for not seeing the signs when the girl love interest is about to be capable and not needing the hero to save her. She gets taken! And killed. Fool me twice, shame on me. 

I actually saw people excited about that Verum Rex thing and after seeing the Noctis ripoff reaching for the Luna ripoff covered in purple light I laughed, and laughed. And then sighed and reached for a stiff drink. 

All this to say that while I’m angry but not truly surprised that Kairi was once again shafted, I’m all the more pissed that they did it in the laziest, most insulting way possible by hinging it all on Sora needing a reason to fight Xehanort. Like, really???? Really. That’s your angle. The man-pain trope is so painfully overdone. Please. It’s 2019. Come into the future with us, Nomura. 

And I feel bad that all of the stuff I just wrote mostly revolves around Kairi being Sora’s romantic interest. But that’s because that’s all this game allowed her to be! Princess of light what? Bequeathed Keyblade wielder in her own right who??? Every battle she and Axel share with Sora they get their asses kicked in 30 seconds flat, so maybe Merlin should have left them suspended in time a little longer. Maybe long enough to convince someone out there in the universe that these two deserved to be competent. 

Hell, not just competent. Amazing. Kairi deserved to be able to stand on her own two feet and hold her own. To be running alongside her boys and not just be an object for them to tussle over or save. As Aqua’s somewhat successor, she deserved to be a terrifying wielder of battle magicks and flurries of light magic. 

To be replaced by Xion was just insult to injury. Like, I’m very happy that Xion got her heart back and was reunited with Roxas and Axel, but she didn’t need to be brought back at Kairi’s expense. The world won’t implode if the replica and actual person inhabit the same space. 

Which is leads us to our third member. 

Riku. To be fair. Riku got the most growth as a person out of the three of these kids, easy. We finally see a Riku who is confident in himself and his journey, and willing to take everything he learned along the way to help Mickey, Aqua, and even his own replica. However.... 

He doesn’t seem to give two shits about Kairi anymore? Did they even talk, like, once during the whole game? I can’t recall a single instance where Sora, Kairi, and Riku were in the same place together where it was just them, and they held an actual conversation. Hell, where they even said “Hi, how’s it going? What have you learned, had any good food lately?” 

God, even when Kairi was taken, and then when she was killed, Riku had one moment of anger, and then was completely, like, chill again, and back to talking Sora down. Like, what? I don’t want any love triangle bullshit, but Riku and Kairi were friends as much as Sora and Kairi and Sora and Riku are friends. 

And that’s what bothered me the most about the disappearance of Kairi introducing this bullshit narrative of Sora abusing his power of waking. He spent two games trying to get him, Riku, and Kairi together. But he doesn’t want Riku to help him get Kairi back? And Riku’s just going to let him go?! After all Riku has done and learned about falling to darkness and clawing yourself back to light and peace, he’s just going to let Sora do the same?

I call bullshit. 

And this is why when Sora suddenly faded out of view on the beach next to Kairi I slowly leaned back in my chair, dropped my controller into my lap, and flipped off my tv screen with both hands.

[masterturner]

long drawn out personal post

this is a bit stream of consciousness, so if you’re reading this and trying to make sense of it, im sorry. its okay if youd rather not. its a lot and its emotional labour to even read it probably. it’s been almost a year since the breakup now. every day closer to the anniversary of it, i feel a little more broken. i’ve had two suicide attempts since then, a prolonged IOP thing, and i no longer see a therapist (though i really should start again). im not crying about borderline personality disorder though. this is all breakup shit. still.  im still holding together somehow. i dont really know how, some days. ive gone through the whole cycle of grieving multiple times now, cycling again and again through denial and bargaining and all that, ‘til i reach acceptance and think the hurricane is at its end. then i find i’m just in the eye of the storm, and it’ll soon pass as i get caught up in the winds again. then i do the whole cycle over and over again. thats what the therapists in the IOP said it was. a grieving process. you can grieve the terminus of a relationship the same way you grieve a dead person. it sounds so silly when i make that comparison. they also said that progress and healing are nonlinear and that it’s not really necessarily going to be as simple as passing through the grieving process a single time.  i said it sounds silly. its not silly though. its real, and i have to remind myself of that from time to time. i dont usually talk about anything personal on here, and its a little weird that im doing it now. but i guess im doing it because i dont know where else to do it. i could do it on facebook, but it feels attention-grabby, needy in a way i always feel weird being. doing it here under a little ‘read more’ thing feels less obtrusive and private, but not so private that im completely trapped in my own skull again. i hate feeling trapped in my own skull.  the anxiety bubbled up and got bad again pretty constantly. it got that way tonight. i felt my heart race while i tried to sleep. usually the worst points stemmed from me looking my ex up and seeing how their life was progressing along without me. unlike me, my ex has a drive and interest in the performance of social media that i generally lack. my social media experience begins and ends in shallow ways: i look at cute butts on tumblr, reblog dumb memes and get vague impressions of things going on in the world and such through the sometimes nonsensical things other people reblog. thats about it. my ex, though, shes the kind of person that does things like update her facebook profile picture at least once in a 6 month period, unlike yours truly.  i dont even follow her or have her friended anymore on facebook. heaven forbid i had an instagram to see what kind of stuff was going on there. it always got the worst when i saw her with her new SO. now i get to look at that every time i get the nerve to message her. its literally painful to even look to the extent i have to archive or delete every stray line of text we send to one another afterward.  i was seriously in denial - i talked myself into believing the SO wasnt an obstacle, wasnt a big deal, he was just a rebound and it didnt invalidate me. it didnt make me lesser, and it didnt mean that i was being replaced. after all, what stranger can replace 5 years of memories and experiences together? but i was a rebound too, and that led to a deep and intense relationship. why couldnt it this time too?  i was naive, i think. hopeful and naive, and i really wanted to believe this and that. ‘i know her’ i’d tell myself. ‘i know her, and i know she wouldn’t think this’ or ‘she wouldn’t do this’. but it’s wishful thinking.  maybe a part of me always did know better. maybe i stopped listening to that part of my own psyche because i started to recognize how harmful it was.  it’s kind of messed up how that works though? like... you can be happy with someone, but also be terrified of that day when they realize they can do better. and then it becomes a sort of twisted, fucked-up self-fulfilling prophecy because that thought sucks the life and passion out of you. it’s insidious and slow.  and it’s tempting to look at it like ‘i was right all along, everyone will leave me’, but that’s not really how it necessarily is. thats just the trauma talking, the fear, the part of my mind that’s lazy and resigned to suffering and collapse. it was that fear that made it real. maybe if i’d learned to manage that fear, though, things could have been different. would have been different.  it’s pointless to speculate on that though. the reason i say it isnt to speculate though, it’s because im trying to remind myself that it can apply to right now. the friendships and relationships i have now - few and far between as they may be, stretched thin as they may be, damaged and in dire need of repair as they may be - aren’t doomed to failure just because i’m afraid of loss and abandonment. the collapse doesnt have to be inevitable.  maybe talking like i’ve learned and figured something out from all this will make me feel better. maybe believing it all had a purpose will make it feel like it was worth it. eventually. right now, though, it doesnt.  i’m still so upset. i’m still miserable and i still long for things i can’t have. i miss affection. i miss being touched, even in a plain and nonsexual way. i miss being kissed and i miss being hugged. i miss being wanted, and every day i wonder if ill ever feel that again. and then i get to thinking, would it be enough to feel that from just anyone again? why do i feel so starved for... any kind of affection at all? why do i feel so desperate for something - anything like this? could anyone ever love me the way my ex did? i guess the cynical and plain answer to that is no, but thats okay. and maybe someone else can love me better. and maybe that desperate longing to be loved, cherished, cared about, touched, anything is just a symptom of an addiction that’s yet to pass. kind of a cold and clinical way to put it though, and i dont know if thats really me. yet i dont want someone else because its not enough to just have anyone. my ex left me, and now i still have that feeling of being invalidated, devalued, abandoned, and ultimately replaced. even if someone else came along and professed undying love for me, no matter how i welcomed it, that feeling of being tossed aside would remain. and i dont know how to come back from it.  i hate how much my mind... fixates on it. like... everything makes me think of it. i cant make a status on facebook without wondering if my ex will see it, what she might think. i cant leave my house and go somewhere without wondering, what if my ex sees me? what would she think of what im doing? would she approve, or be proud of me? would it impress her? or would it disappoint her? it saps the joy out of almost everything i do. i cant watch an old show without feeling bad im watching it without her. i cant help but wonder if she feels the same, or if shes gotten over it. and a part of me doesnt want to know the answer to that wonder. does she still listen to mili? coheed? does she listen to ‘old flames’ on repeat like i do? when ‘sweater weather’ comes on, does she think of me or someone else?  even now as i write this, i wonder if my ex still stops to peer at my dumb blog from time to time for a hint of how im doing and what im thinking. and i dont even know if id want to know, because seeing this message in that light casts a pall over it that makes me feel sick. i didnt want my ex to see how not okay i am. i didnt want her to see the part of me that feels so sick still. and i dont want to know that she doesn’t look at this either. so here i am at an impasse, writing words and tossing them into the void of the internet, hoping for and expecting only silence, while also hating and fearing the very same. id like to think that maybe this is a sign i dont care anymore, but i think i know better than to really believe that.  i force myself every day to just... not reach out. not say anything to her thats real or vulnerable - the few times ive talked to her it feels forced and fake. and it feels like ive cut off a limb, because im so used to leaning and relying on her. but i feel like i have to, because expecting that level of emotional labour from someone that has cut those ties with me seems silly and foolish... not to mention selfish.  why? maybe a part of me thinks that by hiding it, i’d win her back someday. or maybe im just afraid of being burdensome and difficult. or maybe i just... genuinely do want her to be happy without me. i wish it was that last one. i wish i could just back off and be happy that shes with someone else that maybe will treat her good in a way that i couldnt, or didnt.  i dont know what i want, though. i know what i dont want though. i know i hate feeling like this and i wish i could make it stop, but i cant. its not really getting easier. i had the borderline shit before this, and i could end up meeting the criteria my whole life for all i know. the breakup is just a massive complication in that whole mess, but i dont know if id even know what was wrong with me if i didnt have that relationship in the first place.  there was a day a few days ago, or maybe a week or two ago (i dont remember) where i wanted to hurt myself (not physically though for whatever reason), and in order to do it, i made myself do something i was starting to break the habit of doing. i browsed her facebook profile and scoured it for anything that’d make it sting again. i succeeded - it didnt take much. a few pictures, a relationship status change, that was pretty much it. my mind filled in the blanks after that because of course it did. it snowballed into full blown catastrophizing. they’re probably madly in love. they’re probably moving in together, if they havent’ already done so. they’re probably making plans to get married. they’re probably this and that and this and that - like it matters. like it affects me somehow.  but it doesnt. not really, not physically anyway. i dont have to look, and its like i hope not looking will make it hurt less. but not looking makes me hope, and hope has bred more hurt than anything else in the past year.  since i last looked her up in that fog of need to hurt myself emotionally, a lot of that dreadful hope i had that i could win her back drained away, and i want to believe that the pain will go away now. i havent talked to her since then. i still think about her. i still dream. i still fear and i still wonder and reflect. but i havent talked to her. is that good? is it bad? is it anything other than what it is? does it matter? maybe someday ill be over this. a part of me yearns for that. and a part of me is afraid to ever let go, because what if love wins in the end and all the time we had together meant something after all?  did it not mean anything if it didnt end up taking the shape i wanted it to take? no, it still meant something, but does that matter now?  i dont know. all i know is that to this day it hurts and... that’s all. thats all i know.  eleven months later and it still hurts. but i guess expecting it to be all better after 5 years of dating is a little unrealistic. i thought we were gonna be together forever. forever is a long time, though, i guess.  she makes it look easy, but maybe it isnt for her either, even if she’s better at making it look a certain way. i have no way of knowing and thats maddening in its own way. if i had the ability to close that distance... hear her out, be there for her, could i do it? could i get over my own fear and hurt to build a connection again? id love to find out. but i cant seem to get that far.  it doesnt matter though. its her life, and she has every right to move on without me. its easy to say ‘poor me’, but theres two sides to every story. a lot of pain that led up to the end. questions i still have that will never go answered, and closure i might not ever obtain.  ctrl+a, delete, backspace. that’s all it’ll take, tyler. then maybe you can sleep.  but no, instead you’re going to post this. for what? why? is it a cry for help? complaining for the sake of complaining?  i dont know. i cant leave it all in my own head though.  but the silence that i get back in response is liable to be deafening all the same  

[hopeymchope]

Random thoughts about bad/dumb/good things that happen in the back nine episodes of ‘Darling in the Franxx’

This post is long, and it’s mostly me griping about how Darling in the Franxx failed to stick its landing. I’ve got a lot of bullet points about what annoyed me, as well as some points about what I still liked in the back half, and eventually I’m just like “yeah, fuck this.”

That’s the short version: You had a lot going for you but ultimately blew it really bad for me, so like... fuck this.

Damn right Mitsu-WAIT, I forgot when Mitsuru had this much emotion! WHO DIS?!

The long version is more complicated, though, and I feel like rambling/ranting on, so here it goes.

There is no way to stress enough that Zero-Two literally transforms into a giant part-human part-mech creature that Hiro literally rides inside of. She becomes a skyscraper-sized girl that you can climb inside the skull of, and EVERYBODY IS OKAY WITH THIS AND DELIGHTED BY IT. There is NOT a moment where Zorome cries “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUUUUUUUUCK?!?” when she appears, flying in space, at a mass so large she could easily swallow the whole team in one gulp. Nothing like that.

This is not adequately set up, but it IS understandable with some thought: I mean, we are told in a previous ep that the franxx are essentially just recreated, retrofitted klaxosaurs. We also have seen how klaxosaurs are part-organic, part-mechanical beings, and we are told by the Klaxo Princess they are, in fact, the new version of the organic klaxosapiens, now retrofitted for war. In addition, we know that Zero-Two is part Klaxosaur - a clone of the last klaxosapien. So you see how the idea that Zero-Two could somehow “retrofit” or “transition” into a giant cybernetic war mode similar to how the klaxosapiens somehow did the same thing... you could justify that! Once I thought it all through, it kinda worked. But none of this is laid out for you, and it comes off as laugh-out-loud ridiculous in the moment that it happens. Only later, when my brain was piecing the evidence together, did I get somewhere that made sense out of it.

The Nines remained bitterly loyal to Papa when we last see them in Episode 20, snapping at Squad 13 for not showing due respect. When they return in Episode 23, Nine Alpha is suddenly on the side of Squad 13. Because Papa turned out to be an alien, you see. But like... you’ve been fighting klaxosaurs and feeling extreme loyalty to Papa your entire lives up until like, yesterday, so seeing you suddenly join the pro-klaxo side of the war is perhaps too hard a turn. Granted, a lot of time passes off-screen during this period, but still it’s sort of “Hey it’s me, Alpha. Remember how I was never anything but a total asshole to you guys? Remember how I hated emotions and shit? Yeah I wanna help Hiro reunite with Zero Two now.” Um. Okay?

Mitsuru’s speech to Kokoro about how “I want to be with you not because I love you, but because I believe that I did love you once, and I don’t remember that feeling anymore, but I still believe it existed, and I want to respect it!” is literally the worst, least-romantic declaration of non-love I’ve ever heard in my life. The music swells romantically and Kokoro seemingly weeps out of joy over it. I prefer to think she’s crying because it’s so fucking awful. It is actively offensive to real emotions and logic

Remember when Mitsuru talked about he always wished he and Hiro could co-pilot a franxx together? Remember his debilitating rage at Hiro for forgetting their promise to become soldiers together? It really feels like we had a gay or bi character here, and that maybe we were setting something up for his character. but the entire fixation on Hiro is utterly ignored once he gets reduced to “Kokoro’s sperm donor.” I mean, jeez, “my homosexual fixation on Hiro has filled me with an incoherent rage” just gave me flashbacks to Juzo from Danganronpa 3, and that’s not good, but at least it was more personality than he ultimately got.

WHY are we left with the strong sense that Ikuno is dying of the accelerated aging (she is the only one who loses ALL color in her hair and the only one we last see in a hospital bed on an IV drip, so it’s pretty blatant) even though literally no one else in the squad is suffering from it anymore, supposedly thanks to HER research?!... I assume because she’s gay. After all, the extremely gay Nines were all killed off by a mysterious ailment due to a lack of “maintenance” so we might as well kill off Ikuno too, right?! BURY YOUR GAYS. And FUCK YOU.

Goro somehow gets together with Ichigo. We do not get to see how/whether he won he over. Given that the final episode includes multiple scenes of her really missing Hiro along with a scene of her not caring much that Goro is going to travel the world without her (repeatedly), it comes off as though Itchy settled for Goro because he was the best available penis. I AM NOT ENDEARED.

We are also told that Goro has “really changed’ since the beginning of the series. There is no evidence to back this statement up. In fact, he is acting exactly the same in this scene as he always has. Granted, he had a moment in the previous episode where he got pissed and punched Hiro, and that was a big change... but he apologized and it’s not discussed again, so um. Huh. The thing that seems to be a sign of his “change” is his desire to go out alone into the world in an act of self-sacrifice for the good of everyone. Which is LITERALLY THE GORO WE’VE ALWAYS KNOWN. File his change under “informed attributes.”

By the end of the series, Hiro is full-on turning more into a Klaxosapien than a human because... honestly, I’m not sure. It’s possible it’s because he’s been “plugged into” Zero-Two, but it seems like the process is mostly done by then, because he’s immediately able to live without food or water or sleep once he plugs in, and he already had his horns glow with rage in the ep previous to this. So I think he transformed due to the fact that one time, as a kid, he licked Zero-Two’s blood, and as a teen, he’s kissed her a bunch of times. Which is... pretty goddamn extreme. I mean, I know fluid transfer can be a powerful experience — just ask Sandra Bullock — but this is some real next-level shit.

We waited all series for shit to “get real” and someone in Squad 13 to die. It takes until the very last episode for it to happen, and — in a desperate bid to make us care about what’s happening — it’s the two characters who got the most development and who most people care about. The two leads. Which comes off as too little, too late for me to even feel it, seeing as how they’re only vaguely human or relatable by this point. But I AM weirdly bitter that they kept alive everyone else, even the many people we didn’t give much of a shit about (Zorome? Miku?), so that none of the battles in the series EVER had to have real consequences for our heroes. I hate to sound bloodthirsty, and yet....

Hey, speaking of Zorome, remember how him being exposed to the “adult” in the first half of the show made her get sick? Remember how she was also immediately fascinated by and kind to him and it made you wonder how that would affect the other adults? None of this goes anywhere, because the adults all get spirited away as souls to be part of the VIRM hive-mind, so whatever, they’re gone now.

Why are these people all standing around a statue and screaming at the sky and praying? Most of them don’t even know who this girl was. This doesn’t come off as “moving” so much as a terrifying parable about religious fanaticism in cult groups. You see a group of people screaming and praying at idols you don’t understand, and gradually, more and more people just copy the behavior without understanding it. *shiver*

Was there EVER a hint that the adults watching over the squad were friggin’ IMMORTAL?! Because I don’t think there was. I’d need to go way back into earlier episodes to be sure, though.

It’s not that the ENTIRE back half of the show is awful, really. There are some legitimately excellent moments.

Good Stuff

Right when we first come back after episode 15′s big midway point in the story, the subtle way that Zero-Two discovering the gray hair on Miku’s head was handled - during a warm, lighthearted scene to boot - really made it hit home.

The overt anger and defiance of Hiro in the face of “Papa” and APE really made me like him even more. He had some great moments there, including possibly the greatest episode-ending dialogue when he declared just how fucking DONE they all are with their so-called “Papa.”

Zorome’s inability to fully embrace the idea that “Papa” could be so wrong and bad was another good touch.

The big “backstory” episode served to make me really care for Dr. Franxx in a surprise late-game twist. He goes from being a shadowy sinister presence to becoming one of the more sympathetic characters... right before getting killed shortly thereafter.

The big promise scene between Zero-Two and Hiro, where they swear to always come for each other... that one really pulled at my heart.

Also, Hiro’s dedication to caring for the ailing, zombie-like Zero-Two was both devastating and touching. It’s one of the final bits that actually hits any kind of emotion for me in the series.

I actually didn’t mind the alien twist with the VIRM very much like so damn many people did. APE was long portrayed as this unknowable higher power that was clearly hiding something while simultaneously enforcing a 1984-esque obedience and loyalty... and there’s only so many places to go with such a setup, honestly. Much more shocking, to me, is how little is done to build up to/justify the true origin of the klaxosaurs.

But, well, yeah. Like most, I wound up feeling like DitF had a couple of really excellent characters in the lead, and then proceeded to go nowhere worthwhile once it got them to finally be together. Ultimately, they didn’t even get to grow up or have real sex or face the new world. They just get shuffled off into weirdness and death so we can have a bigger cycle of disappointment.

This one has a lot of themes that feel unexplored, and maybe further analysis would make it all gel together more comprehensibly. There is definitely a lot of effort put into thematic hints and worldbuilding in the first half, some of it done in a subtle background way that recalls my favorite aspects of The Future Diary — a favorite anime of mine that ALSO admittedly fails to adequately explain some parts of the world it builds, but it keeps most of its logic intact and is so emotionally engaging that I ultimately went along for the ride and was willing to explore the background justifications and themes later in order to fully grasp that world.

In comparison, I don’t really want to put in the effort to glean the underlying details of DitF. It didn’t leave me feeling like the writers put in the work to keep me invested, so why would I?

[undlewear]

Yknow when you just get gradually sanded down emotionally until youre like a weird pulp honestly my whole life has been this from various sources for various reasons but quite frankly its an entirely different experience when its coming from someone i dont love at all or truly give any shits about at all like. when people i love did this shit to me at least i had that to comfort me about it i dunno, was like water to swallow a nasty horse pill or something. did it mean i didnt resent them for it later, no, but it certainly delayed the process and also made it far easier to forgive. i sleep like shit and then i wake up and feel like shit and then i go out and dont want to seek out any seratonin boosts for myself at all for like hours its like a weird intentional withdrawal of any sort of joy because im being made to feel like i dont deserve it for …truly petty asinine shit that like …nobody else gives a shit about actually? like a bagel or a plant or a stain on the counter like literally not exaggerating. i dont want to listen to music i dont want to eat i dont want to draw i dont want to play games or watch videos i just want to wallow and fester in anger for some reason and i also want to get into my car and drive away and never come back or look back. i signed a lease i live here and when this person wasnt home for like two weeks it was pretty good aside from all the responsibilities i was left with (doing for free btw while also managing work and school lmfao?) but like they come home and immediately its chaotic again immediately i dont look forward to coming back to my apartment even after being in school from 8 am to 5 pm today i still was like nah dont really wanna go home but i gotta? to get nagged and bitched at about random ass shit, to constantly get asked for help for dumb shit, to be passively aggressively nagged too. how is it that im in the same situation i was back home where i didnt even want to leave my room or do anything at all every day but instead one of the people i live with is someone who simply does not know me or care to and therefore i gotta worry about offending them if i dont feel like leaving the goddamn door open every waking hour or at all, i never have liked leaving the door open to my space because its my space and its only open to people i share it with so why would i leave it open for people who dont reside in here with me? this shit is so scrambled and a total clusterfuck and makes no sense but i am truly festering and boiling under the surface every waking moment for the past few days. why is it that everyone else’s problems and trauma or whatever the fuck is wrong with them always precedes me so when im bothered by stuff i just gotta eat it to preserve their well being and prevent a fuckin meltdown or something, just gotta eat that fuckin irritation over and over and over again and it never goes anywhere and then people wonder why im always a little pissed off or a little withdrawn. the compassion fatigue shit that i have (look it up its normal and common when people use you as an emotional support dog for the better part of your life, thanks mom n dad n other supporting cast of random strangers) anyway this compassion fatigue shit would probably yknow heal itself or gradually get better if i could go more than a month without being dragged down into somebody’s mud or blamed for their mud but that shit just aint gonna happen while living with this individual. i mean how can she not see her whole fuckin family fears her in some way or another, whole family is bored and tired of the antics, you go through life thinking everybody else is at fault for every negative feeling you endure. probably sounds weird coming from me complaining about someone this whole post but lol i know my suffering stems from a lot of shit that i did to myself and behaviors that i didnt correct/address and trauma that i buried rather than expressing it up front lol i cant blame everybody else for everything i mean a lot of it is on me but this shit ??? this shit aint