#then they start conforming to said suffering sites

[wistfulvulpine]

bad news i started downloading my exported blog, completely forgetting this blog has been kicking for 13 years

[cios-correct-opinions]

this post is bad and you should feel bad. you could've worded this in a way that said smth like "men who blame society's hatred of men who fail to conform to the patriarchy or meet its standards of white cishetallo perisex able-bodied neurotypicalness etc on women are wholesale idiots and failures" but instead you decided to minimize the very real problems a lot of ppl on this site point out.

i have never, EVER seen posts like the one OP mentions like, actually gain traction and importance or have the majority of ppl agree with them.

what OP is ACTUALLY describing however are posts i have seen: posts which discuss how categorizing men as inherently bad or prone to violence and cruelty, or positing men as the root of all evil in the world, ignores the nuance of a lot of patriarchial and societal issues which aren't so much focused on gender or sex as they are on gender and sex roles, the gender and sex binary, and the pressure of conformity placed on literally everyone, as well as the fact that not all men and not all women are on equal platforms of power or privilege.

a white man has more power and privilege than a black man and so does a white woman, and both of them have these things due to their race and also their gender. there are countless examples of white women utilizing their societal status and gender/sex roles to get black men literally murdered. you all know about emmett till i'm sure, but there are even more recent examples if you go looking

perhaps yall need to start recognizing there's a reason in this uptick of people talking abt why radfem ideology that pushes a platform of "All men are bad by nature and must have this badness beaten out of them by the good "non-men" (totally not a racist term btw) who are good by nature due to not being men" is a problem and hurts people. people like myself and others who make posts on these issues aren't saying misogyny isn't real or is less harmful than blah blah blah (which is a ridiculous measurement btw, that's not something that can be counted or measured or determined with a scale, this isn't the suffering olympics guys, suffering is suffering and all suffering is equally bad)

you made up a guy in your head to yell at and are convincing people that he's real and a real problem on tumblr, the website i grew up on as a young black nonbinary trans boy, where the reigning ideology until very recently was "all men suck/kill all men" and has only recently shifted to a somewhat "nicer" approach of "men can be good i GUESS, but they're inherently bad and so is masculinity" held by the masses

perhaps op and everyone who unironically and uncritically reblogged and agreed with and liked this post needs to read what we're actually saying. bc sure, some whackos might be saying this on a small scale, but how many posts like that are you actually seeing? and how many posts are actually talking abt how harmful it is to make blanket statements using bioessentialism that you read and took as a personal attack for some reason?

[shirophantomvox]

How Illumi, Hisoka, and Chrollo would react to their S/O in the hospital

Hi, anon! You are welcome to join my Discord Server if you are a fan of Hxh, Voltron, or both! I promise this is a safe environment! This is an interesting topic for sure! To the other anon(s), I am working on your request! This will contain both fluff and angst. I forgot to include Leorio in this, so I’ll include him in the next HxH post. You’ll have to forgive me, I have 2 more requests in my inbox and I am not feeling the best. I just got my second Covid shot and it is hurting like hell. Nevertheless, I encourage you all to get your shot if you can. I will be on this site one and off and I should be on it for real next week. I have run out of ideas to write and I began to think I was annoying people with my HxH content (no one said this I just assumed). This post has 1974 words. After these requests are finished, I plan on doing a character analysis for Leorio.

Anyway, let’s get into the post!

We’ll start with Hisoka this time.

Hisoka

In all honesty, this man has heard of a hospital (since he sends a lot of people to it after fights) but has never been in one.

The signs, floors, staircase numbers, and elevators all confuse him. He has only been in one once when he was a kid and has never been again.

He isn’t a social butterfly in this setting because this is a professional establishment and not a college party. Asking for directions takes quite a toll on him because of his established pride. You know guys act when they want to find a destination on their own and will go miles out of the way instead of just asking for direction.

He doesn’t talk to anyone; all he wants to do is find you and make sure you are alright.

He is the tallest person in the freight elevator. So tall that everyone at turns to look at him at once for at least 10 seconds and turn back around surprised.

“How tall is he,” one of the nurses ask.

“Tall enough to be my house!”

This annoys him. He takes out the Joker card and lays it against his thigh but realizes he cannot make any hasty decisions. His bloodlust was activated merely out of irritation and not by threat. You were on his mind and destroying these worthless humans wasn’t an option for today.

He approached the guest desk and waited for about 2 minutes before he was acknowledged.

“May I help you,” a smug receptionist asked. Wow, these people do not know who they’re talking to.

“I’m here to see y/n.”

“Y/n is in room 345. Go down the hall and to the right all the way down.”

This man nearly ran with a quickness! His jester shoes somehow made the floor shake as he ran.

You were awake, eating the horrible food the hospital provided and watching TV. It seemed like you were doing ok, but you had just been in a car accident. Your arms and right leg were still sore. It was so bad that you’d be fine with Hisoka carrying you everywhere.

When you two are alone in serious public places, he doesn’t play games or tricks. He is often portrayed as a ruthless man, but in settings like this, he places the jokes and games aside for later. When he enters your room, he is silent for 30 seconds. Much too long. He was shocked; he walked around your hospital bed, pulled up a chair, and stared at your cast. It had many names written on it.

“Yes, I am ok.”

“I apologize for not being there for you,” he began to say.

“Shh… it’s ok. This is life. It hurts like hell, but I’m a trooper!”

Admiring your cast and its multiple fonts of handwriting and messages, he grabbed a sharpie marker, wrote his name, with a heart and spade next to it. Surprisingly, his cursive was very neat and legible.

“I didn’t know you knew how to write in cursive! Why don’t you write me letters?”

“I see you every day and it hurts my hand.”

The doctor wouldn’t be in for another 1 ½ hours, so Hisoka used your thigh as a pillow as he took a nap. He had been up for countless nights thinking about you. He was screwing up so bad, Chrollo let him leave early.

“As soon as your better, we will fight again. I won’t go easy on you. You won’t be in the hospital but you get the jest.”

Illumi

Illumi isn’t the type of man to overreact in these types of situations. When you both agreed to date each other, you knew you all were tough cookies. You were aware of the dangers of dating an assassin and he knew about the dangers of dating a bounty hunter. People hated you both and you targeted.

One night you both were caught in a vulnerable state. While you both enjoyed chocolate milkshakes at a laid-back 1950’s styled diner, two men were previously thrown out for fighting. While your back was turned one of those men shot your arm, causing you to carelessly throw your body to the ground due to impact.

While everyone else was screaming, Illumi jumped to the ground and tied his hair tie around your arm to temporarily stop the bleeding.

“Illu, why does it feel cold in here,” you managed to breathe out.

His heart dropped to his stomach for the first time in history.

“Don’t say things like that!”

Illumi is already horrible at displaying emotions, but all he could do is frown in fear. Once the EMS came barling in, he demanded that he ride with you.

Illumi hadn’t experienced anything like this since Killua had been injured when he fell from a tree.

You and he were separated when you were rushed into surgery leaving him alone in the waiting room.

When Illumi is stressed and cannot properly display how he feels, he tends to act in “odd” ways.

He begins to furiously turn pages in magazines or bother the receptions every 2 minutes about the status of your surgery. When the woman finally says that you’re still alive, he tones it down a little.

Illumi is open to conforming advice from strangers; he has been receiving it secretly from strangers. Since Silva was busy abusing him, he often found comfort from “the streets”.

He has a bad habit of pacing back and forth and fidgeting in his seat while horrific images fill his mind. All he has seen is pain and even though he was used to it, he didn’t want you to go through it as well.

While sitting in his seat (finally!) and head in his lap, doubled over indescribable sorrow, a little girl walks up to him with her hands folded and a doll under her arms. Illumi feels her presence and looks up. The girl’s curly hair covered her endearing eyes and her smile is wide.

“They’ll be alright. I just know they will,” turning around returning to her mother, the girl said with confidence.

On cue, Illumi placed his hand over his heart, smiling just a little.

He walked quickly to your room once you were out of surgery.

His speed walk mimics one of a soldier; his left arm in since with his right leg. His shoes echoed throughout the hall.

As soon as he enters the room, he shuts the door harder than usual and gives you a tight embrace. This surprises you! You’re lucky if he lays his head on your shoulder!

Illumi had been working out lately. He wanted to beat you in the “squish the melon” contest. He is very competitive and even if he lost, that doesn’t hurt his ego. Not in the slightest. Since it was just the both of you alone, he bends down to hug you tight, so tight that your face is squished against his.

This behavior is only surprising because he usually doesn’t coddle you even when you get hurt, but this time he realized that you could have died from the gunshot wound.

After that he kissed your forehead and almost simultaneously the doctor barreled in just missing the sweet moment between you and your beau.

Chrollo

When Chrollo is holding meetings with the Phantom Troupe, he always appears to be neutral. That is very important. A leader has to show strength even through the worst/hurtful times of their lives.

Chrollo had gotten a call from Nobunaga that you had gotten hurt on a mission and had actually gotten captured by the enemy. Phinks was able to get you back but you suffered horrible injuries.

This is protocol; they do this for any of the members. The troupe was oblivious to the fact that you and Chrollo were dating. They thought you were here to replace Uvo.

In situations like this, he is calm on the outside but screaming on the inside. Common sense will tell you if you are startled by the news you’ve just received and you begin to drive, you could cause more harm on the way to your destination.

Chrollo is very silent; he doesn’t call to check on your status or anything; he would rather see it for himself.

You were a trooper! After all, you are dating a dangerous robber.

Chrollo already knew what room you were in so he just went.

“I knew I should have kept y/n by my side. Y/n insisted on doing my dirty work that they almost died! How foolish could I have been?” He constantly cursed himself for letting his guard down with you.

He always gave you room to think and complete your own tasks but he can’t help his protective nature; one he has for the troupe but times 10.

His childhood friends had been shot by law enforcers, his home was horrific, and the last thing he needed was for you to be gone. You were keeping him afloat in society.

When he opened the door, Phinks was sitting in a chair, one leg over the other, laughing at a TikTok video.

Nobunaga on the other hand was watching the world news and seemed invested that he didn’t hear Chrollo enter the room. Once they both saw, they stood to their feet.

“Y/n is ok boss. They suffered a few cuts and burns, but they're breathing.”

Chrollo’s straight face remained as he stared at you.

Chrollo’s silence is something the troupe has internalized as a sign of anger, rage, or both. When he didn’t speak and just stared, everyone knew that their next mission was going to be a brutal one.

Chrollo is a man that isn’t afraid to express how he feels. He could cry right now if he wanted to and no one would dare laugh at him or insult him. After all, Nobunaga cried when he realized Uvo was dead.

Nobunaga and Phinks excused themselves as they saw him place his hand over his mouth.

Once the door closed, He pulled up the chair, grabbed your hand, and gently squeezed it. His warmth woke you up instantly and you turned your head. You winced in pain causing Chrollo to jump from his seat, moving to your right side so you wouldn’t turn your head too much.

“I’m glad you're alive, darling. What were you doing putting yourself in danger? Feitan could have handled the beast!”

He isn’t trying to doubt your ability to fight, he’s just concerned for your safety. Even so, why would he insist that you join the spiders?

A tear dropped from his face as he silently kissed your hand three times. You smiled warmly and placed your right left hand on top of his.

“I am fine, boss. You need not worry. I’m a trooper, remember?”

He placed your hand against his dry cheek and continued to kiss it. You were his lifeline and he wanted to spend every moment with you.

[scripttorture]

What would you expect from the public, including minors, when torturing someone in public is done, especially when it's a public spectacle and people actually come to watch. Is liking to watch torture a thing in this case? My story is a medieval/steampunk fantasy by the way.

Well Anon, this does still happen today. It happens in the country I grew up in and consider my home. So… my first suggestion is to throw out the implication that this is a weird historical thing the world doesn’t have to deal with any more. Because it is still very real. And if you get any kind of success with your story there’s a good chance some of your readers will have experience with this.

 It’s also significantly more complicated then ‘liking’ or ‘disliking’ so let’s unpack this a bit.

 I’ve never actually seen anyone maimed or executed. But as a kid of around 9-10 I knew kids my age who had. We used it as a sort of… pissing contest basically. Kids would brag about it to show how hard they were, in the same way we’d stuff chilis into our mouths and see who could last longest.

 It’s one of those bizarre kinds of ritualised self-harm that you end up performing in order to cope with awful things.

 Because witnessing this kind of stuff is harmful, to adults and children. It can leave people traumatised and displaying some of the symptoms I write about here.

 But, however old the characters, if they grew up somewhere where this is the norm then I absolutely guarantee they understand showing opposition is dangerous. They know their responses to these displays of brutality and power are used as a proxy for their loyalty and worthiness by the state.

 And boy if you are in any way outside the norm, if you are queer or the ‘wrong’ ethnic group or faith, then the pressure to conform here is so much more intense.

 I lived in Saudi, my home town is Dhahran. My parents are from opposite ends of Europe and they tried to raise me Christian. I still spent a lot of my teenage years unpacking stuff I’d absorbed about public executions, amputations, whippings etc.

 From the kids I knew growing up (anecdotal evidence no matter how empassioned) I’d say the ‘normal’ responses to witnessing this kind of state violence are varied. Kids would get nightmares, start showing signs of mild anxiety disorders or depression. They’d become moody, angry and generally unhappy. Which they’d sometimes take out on other people.

 But I can’t remember anyone ever explicitly linking it to what they witnessed. They’d try to hide this stuff. Some of them would double down on justifications for state violence (seemed pretty common.) They would, above all, deny there was a problem.

 Because admitting to mental illness made you ‘weak’ and admitting to doubts about state violence made you a ‘traitor’. Which is a pretty risky thing to label yourself (even by implication) when you live in a state that publicly mutilates and murders people. (Note the author’s bias as a committed pacifist may be showing.)

 As you may have noticed Anon, I still carry a significant amount of anger on this particular subject. This bottled vitriole is not directed at you or your story idea but at the states and politicians who make sure this brutality continues. It’s about the fact that I can remember a nine year old girl matter of factly talking about beheading at a birthday party.

 Stepping back from the personal side of things for a moment we know from studies of PTSD and trauma survivors generally that witnessing violence can lead to lasting psychological symptoms. Including PTSD.

 PTSD specifically is more likely when an individual is directly effected (ie physically hurt). But repeated exposure to traumatic events, including witnessing violence, makes the manifestation of long term symptoms more likely.

 So a character that has seen dozens of these attacks is more likely to develop a long term mental health problem then a character who has seen only one. Regardless of age.

 We can’t predict which individual symptoms an individual witness will develop or indeed when a witness might develop them. We just don’t know enough about how these things happen yet.

 Having said that, the possible symptoms for witnesses are pretty much identical to the possible symptoms for torture survivors (link above.) I’d advise against using chronic pain for witnesses unless you have a clear idea of an underlying cause; it seems (anecdotally) to be more common in people who directly experienced violence.

 If you decide to use insomnia there’s a masterpost on sleep deprivation here.

 For mental health problems like depression, anxiety etc remember there are physical symptoms as well as symptoms related to mood. Characters who are trying to deny they have a mental health problem might focus overly on physical symptoms. Depression can cause nausea, vomiting and tiredness/lack of energy which might be mistaken for disease. Anxiety can cause chest pain and shakes.

 Circling back let’s talk about some of the phrasing in this question for a moment. Because ‘choose to watch’ misunderstands the way states use these public displays of violence.

 Attendance and witnessing of public executions and torture is often enforced. Sometimes overtly and sometimes more tacitly. Because the point of these displays is to hammer home the power of the state. That doesn’t work if people can easily choose not to go.

 Here’s an example of what that overt and tacit enforcement looked like back home.

 Tacit enforcement came from the timing and placement of executions and amputations. They took place on weekends, when almost everyone was off work. They were carried out in major towns and cities, where the population density was higher. The venue was typically on a main thoroughfare close to important sites. Which ensured a high volume of people would be in the area when the execution took place, whether there was due to be an execution or not.

 So picture the town or city this is taking place in, in your story. When are the public holidays? Where are the markets? Where are the most popular religious venues? At what time will the most people be in these areas?

 All of that will tell you where an execution or public torture is likely to take place. Because if you set this shit up in eye sight of the place most people buy food, at the time when the most people are out, you get witnesses.

 Whether they want to be witnesses or not.

 Overt enforcement, on the low end of the scale, means having officials among the crowd pushing people towards the scaffold. At home this seemed to be targetted towards children and people who were judged as ‘other’. Different races to the majority, people who might have been read as a different religion, people who might have been read as queer etc.

 This is because the message is ‘This could be you.’

 I know practices in other countries have sometimes gone beyond this. Police or armed officials will sometimes go out and gather a crowd of witnesses by just… approaching people on the street and demanding they attend.

 This approach requires quite a bit of man power and is not practical or necessary in every setting. In most cases setting things up in the right place and time is enough to ensure a large number of witnesses.

 What I’m trying to illustrate here is that a lot of people will see this stuff without having made a conscious choice to do so.

 And making a conscious choice to see it… well it does say something about the character but not in the way you’re thinking.

 Because these displays are all about the power of the state. Witnessing them, responding to them is performance and it’s a performance of state loyalty. You can’t expect someone to give their true opinion on public displays of violence when criticism or voicing ‘dislike’ could lead to them being targets of violence.

 Basically if you’ve got characters going to see this stuff regularly then it’s worth asking why they feel the need to display their loyalty in this way. Sometimes it’s because they really really believe in the state. But often… they’re compensating for something.

 Wrapping up I think it’s important to note there’s often a difference between what people say about this stuff versus what they actually feel. And that’s because these things are explicitly political and explicitly about the power a state has over it’s subjects.

 The way individuals respond to these things in public and what they say about them in public effects how they are treated. Sometimes it comes with obvious legal sanctions. Even if it doesn’t… these displays are entirely about reminding people the state can kill them.

 And it doesn’t actually discourage crime or civil disobedience but it does create a climate of fear and hostility which permeates daily life.

 Think about why the state is insecure about their power. Think about how your characters live with that background radiation and whether it feeds into cultural ideas around things like martyrdom or nobility of suffering.

 Remember that there is a difference between public and private life. Existing in these kinds of brutal states often means having quite a sharp distinction between them. This can create very strong bonds to those the characters trust. It can also create a big difference between private and public personas.

 If you’re writing a world where public torture and executions are happening there’s more going on then just individual character’s reactions. You are saying something about the world, the ruling class and the politics of the area.

 Take the time make sure you know what you want to say.

Available on Wordpress.

Disclaimer

[freerabbitmanandpig]

My Friend With Parkinson’s

On Oct 1st of this year I was given compassionate release from Allenwood USP for (what was diagnosed as) an unspecified connective tissue disorder. I had served roughly 60 months of a 70 month sentence. To secure this extraordinary release my lawyer had sited the new emergency COVID increased risk criteria, pointing to my status of being prescribed immunosuppressants, as well as suffering from lifelong asthma. Being as that I’d been housed in a care-level 3 medical facility, most of my time had been spent around inmates with chronic conditions, many of them without a chance of making it home within the course of their natural lives. Conscious of the fact that many of these men lacked the financial resources available to my family, especially as the pandemic has left many people in the street without regular employment, I made promises to some of these men to attempt to get their stories out into the world.

Christian Tarantino (Reg. # 14684-050) is a middle-aged man that I met while in Allenwood. A gambler with a good sense of humor, who was generous with his friends and, while in the street, lethal to those who stood in his way. According to the FBI, back in the early 90s Chris was part of a crew that committed a number of armed robberies. In 2011 he was sentenced to three consecutive life-terms for the murder of a guard during an armored car robbery back in 1994, as well as the murder of one of the participants whom he feared would flip on him.

Criminals, conscious of their own status, tend to withhold judgement, and I’d be lying if the description of Chris as a “cold killer”, spoken to me with admiration by more than a few inmates, did not inspire this same admiration in me upon hearing the stories of his exploits. To be clear, I never personally heard Chris tell any stories about his case, or murder in general; the stories he did tell me were often funny ones about the club scene in NY, or his dog. The problem was that, when Chris spoke, I often had to strain to hear him. Still, the Parkinson’s had made him patient over the years, and he did not get frustrated when a person had to ask him to repeat himself, sometimes multiple times. No matter how long it took for him to finish the story, it was worth it to hear it all the way through – as I said, he was funny.

Chris and I had started talking more about his disease a month before my release, after having heard that the Marshall Project had published a short story of mine the year before. The problem, he’d told me one morning, was that a 15-minute analysis with the MD did not take in to account the fact that his PD fluctuated in intensity throughout the course of a given day. Even if you’re classified as a care level 3, you generally only get to see the facility’s MD once a year, with all subsequent outside appointments and medication adjustments being managed by your assigned PA. The key to adequate treatment lies then in the temperament of your PA. My PA was considered the best on the compound and was likely instrumental in getting me the workups and appointments I needed to secure my compassionate release. Chris’ PA was largely considered the worst on the compound (one of two), a bitter woman who often had to be compelled into action via administrative remedies, which Chris was inevitably forced to file. If he came to a sick-call and was not actively in the throes of intense contortions (which he sometimes referred to as ‘crazy legs’) then he was often disregarded. Chris and his PA were prone to devolve into shouting matches, nor was this a problem that she had only with him. Even when he wasn’t engaged in fighting the crazy legs, he was mostly still confined to his wheelchair. There were, on occasion, times when he felt in control of his legs enough to walk, albeit while holding on to another inmate’s shoulders. There was no shortage of willing shoulders, as inmates of all races would step up to ferry him, either to the computer room – where they would inevitable have to help him type his emails, or to the shower – where no handicap accommodations existed. This last omission struck many of us as particularly negligent, considering the yard’s care level. Another problem was the speech impediment. I’d often heard him ask, rhetorically, how it was that sounding like “a retard” when he spoke was not a clear enough indicator of the severity of his condition, regardless of the tremors. Of course ‘retard’ is not really the best adjective for any modern condition, but the point was still valid that, when he spoke, he sounded like a person recovering from a massive stroke – only he wasn’t recovering, Parkinson’s is a degenerative illness.

          The prison had no choice but to provide him with follow-ups to the local neurologist after a highly invasive surgery, known as ‘deep brain stimulation’, in which a device, a ‘neurostimulator’, was implanted into his brain. This local doctor told Chris flat-out that he was incapable of treating him at this stage in his illness, nor is the facility capable of recalibrating his implant.

         At night, a small group of us would walk to pill line to get our evening medications. I got Elavil and Gabba Pentin – the former for my interstitial cystitis, and the Gabba Pentin for more generalized pain. Chris, on the other hand, got a bunch of different pills, each with an Old Testament-sized list of potential side effects. To add insult to injury, the medical staff crushed most of his medications, as though this middle-aged man in a plastic, yellow wheelchair, barely able to get the cup of powder into his mouth, would somehow be able – or even willing, to cheek these many pills so that he could smuggle them back to the unit and…. What? For anyone curious enough to look, Federal Penitentiaries are full to the point of bursting with real narcotics. Who the fuck wants to sniff twenty different PD meds?

         During these evening walks (some of our only time outside of the unit since the pandemic started) the subject of my pending motion came up on a regular basis. It was news, if nothing else. As for Chris, PD does not put him at an increased risk for COVID complications, and although I’d heard him, on occasion, tentatively breech the subject of outright compassionate release, his main request to me was that I put his story up, in the hope that perhaps someone else from the outside would get involved and get him moved to a medical facility. At least then he wouldn’t have to worry about falling down in the shower and bearing the indignity of calling for help, alone and naked on a wet floor that’s covered with other men’s piss and body hair. Before I was released, I wrote one final staff request for him to the medical coordinator attempting to get him transferred to a care-level 4 facility. This was not his first attempt to obtain such a transfer, and, for the purposes of the request, Chris provided me with a list of names of staff members who had seen him fall down, or else had helped him get back to his cell after an accident. It was a long list.

         For a man who devoted a large part of his life to fitness, it’s a hard pill to swallow. In my mind I am stuck wondering what three consecutive life sentences (or a thousand for that matter) really means for someone like Chris, who’s own body has become a prison. In a sense I have an idea – back in 2017, my uncle Steven Parr – a successful and well known archivist in San Francisco, was diagnosed first with Parkinson’s, which was later amended to a diagnoses of Lewy-Body syndrome – a disease that bears similarities to PD. His initial suicide attempt was precluded by his manager, Adam, who was on the phone with my mother at the time. His second attempt, however, was successful. To me, though, the most poignant encapsulation of Chris’s attitude was made apparent when I was pushing him to the showers one morning. He’d removed his shirt before getting back in his chair, and I was struck by his apparent muscle tone and total lack of body fat, despite his sedentary lifestyle,

“Damn Chris, you’re in a wheelchair and still in better shape than half these dudes in here.”

“Yea..” he spoke slowly – struggling to force his tongue to conform to the consonants, “..this is the worst thing god could’ve done to me.”

         In a way it was cruel how the progress in my appeal seemed to engender a sense of hope in some of the other care level 3’s working fervently, without the aid of outside capital or competent legal help, to obtain their own releases before the virus made it’s way to the yard. By Oct 1st the USP at the Allenwood Correctional Complex had 7 cases, all of them quarantined in the shu after having arrived on a plane, and then a bus, with who-knows how many others potentially infected. They’d already shut the medium back down as, despite their ‘best’ efforts at screening all arrivals, 15 cases had popped up in general population. As I already stated above, the administration fought me every step of the way – even after the motion had been granted and I was only awaiting the end of my obligatory 2 week quarantine, the staff refused to allow me to call my family, my lawyer, or even probation, so that I could arrange for transport. I didn’t know whether I’d be going straight home or to a program until the last minute. I could see it in their faces every time they brought me legal mail or were forced to set up my screening for the drug program that I’m in now – they didn’t think I deserved it. Like they had only just found out via the granting of my motion that they presided over an unequal system. I got 8 months back – goodtime I’d lost, along with years-worth of visits and phone calls - “privileges” they justified in taking almost exclusively over dirty urines, and for what? Suboxone. At my final workup the MD confided in me that, prior to the pandemic, they’d been told by the region to start preparations for the MAT program (medication assisted treatment) and to apply for the DEA approval to begin prescribing both suboxone and vivitrol. Unfortunately, these proceedings had to be halted to focus their energies on the then emerging public health crisis. Maybe it’s my prejudices, but itt seemed to me that these people took it personally – as though those reclaimed 8 months had come directly off the end of their own lifespans.

[fandomshatewomen]

As an Asian Woman(TM) I really, REALLY wish more people who are not Asian to please for the love of God think critically before lumping Asian women and White women in the “most desirable for dating” category. 

White women are the most desirable because the world is so White-Eurocentric that they’re held as the epitome of what everyone should want and aspire to be like. They’re praised in traits of virtues, that by their race alone racists and bootlickers will default them as best - better than the WOC of their same race in all matters positive (more beautiful, more independent, has more agency, better to have around etc.). And seeing the world we live in it’s not very hard to understand why White people would be considered with highest ideals in virtually anything. MEANWHILE Asian women are only “as desirable” because we’re easy to fetishized and the fact that so many “want” us is rooted in some thick helping of orientalist crap started by White colonists. A lot of the times the people who want to date us have some level of Yellow Fever going on, or in the best case scenario considers us the “best” on the merits of the stereotypes associated with being the “exotic East Asian” image. I promise you - by said standards: Southeast Asians, South Asians, West Asians, Asians Outside of East Asia and non-White mixed-Asians can NOT relate to these so-called stats that somehow deemed *all* “Asian women” are White-women-level of desirability. Asian people are not a monolith - and that alone should’ve been a factor to debunk these myths about how *all* Asian women have it better when it comes to dating, specifically interracially. 

Another thing worth noting is that: White women, all in all, are still considered “human” in the mass attraction towards them. They’re associated with purity, class and whatever it is that makes them “better” compared to non-White women. Whereas Asian women are so constantly objectified and fetishized, it’d be a miracle that someone who found us on dating sites or just about anywhere online are genuinely interested in us as people, and not as a caricature of our race/ethnicity.

I’m NOT saying that *all* of Asian women are as equal as *all* Black women and *all* Indigenous women, BUT the intra-community issues with non-White groups are much more intricate and nuanced than this one post can hold. However, when discussing White People vs. POC: ALL people of color suffers from racism, and NONE of us are regarded as superior among the rest without having some racist connotations behind it. To group us Asians with our oppressors doesn’t stay true to the reality of things, furthering the idea that Asian people are “as privileged as White people” which harms ALL of Asians, especially those who don’t conform to the Model Asian Myth.

To keep it simple: Asian women being “desirable” is NO WAY like White women being “desirable”. Call out the state of the dating world where Black women and Asian men are considered the bottom of the barrel, YES, but jeezus if I see another hot take on Asian women being on the same level as White women when it comes to desirability as if the attractions are equal in all manners and totally not from centuries of racist history without ever addressing it, I’m going to frigging lose my shit.

~Mod L

[j2madhatters]

Why Padalecki marriage annoys me - non Tinhat perspective

I can safely say that never before has a marriage annoyed me as much as the Padalecki marriage.  Even the Ackles’ behavior is reasonable.  They don’t kiss and make out public because Jensen is not an exhibitionist sort.  I have never respect PDAs.  In my opinion, it is inappropriate.  But remember, I am not a tinhat so you can draw your own conclusions about why the Ackles don’t “display” their love in public.  There is nothing wrong with theorizing. 

Genevieve, and Jared [when he is in husband mode] just irritate me.  They oversell it.  In the beginning, I thought she was so lucky to have a husband like him.  He is so beautiful.  He’s so sensitive.  He earns well.  He is respected in his field.  Plus he cried on their wedding day.  How beautiful is that?  For years afterwards, he would gush over her during his panels.  At first, I smirked, then I became poker faced, then I became mildly annoyed and then one day [I even remember the panel] it just got too noticeably exhibitionist.  It was the last question.  Timothy Omundson was called on stage, pretending to be the last question.  And he comically fangirled uncontrollably before perching himself on the designated chair.  His question was “who is your favourite guest star, and why is it Timothy Omundsom?’‘  It was a funny question, and Jensen went with it, saying that he was a fan of Omundson’s beard, which caused Robbie to throw a faux hissy fit because he had a beard too, darn it.  But Jensen pointed out that his beard was pathetic because it was short and he couldn’t braid it.  After the laugh fest, Jared gave his answer:  ’'My favorite guest star is Gen, because she’s my wife and the mother of my children”. 

For some reason, that is pissed me right off.  It was a funny question.  It didn’t warrant a serious, gushy husband reply.  Some witless creature made a mistake of pointing this out, in the comment section.  The entire page converged on her.  Even people who had initially agreed with her, backtracked.  I felt angry at this fandom's self-censoring.  I realized she was over loved, not because of any personal merit, but because she married Jared.  They were calling her a queen.  Seriously?  A queen.  For what?  So I went on the internet to see if I was the only weird person who couldn’t detect her monarchical merits. 

That was last year-ish.  How do you think I stumbled onto tinhats.  I like most hats because it seems they don't conform to the politically correct norm of ’'treat the wives like gold’’.  And they don’t ask tinhat questions during panels.  Unlike the leeches who love destiel and Misha Collins.  Jared was becoming too extra when it came to Genevieve.  And I noticed he inserted an obligatory Gen mention at least once, in every single panel.  Even after seven years, he was far too “in love”.  And eventually, instead of being happy for their happiness, I started feel like they were rubbing their domestic bliss in everyone’s face.  “look at what we’ve got, nyah nyah nyah.’'  My polite and genuine [but not over the top] respect for their marriage dissipated.

You know who he reminded me off.  He reminded me of Tom Cruise when he was a guest on Oprah and was over pushing the epic love he had for Katie Holmes, jumping on the couch and fist pumping the air.  That incident, I found humorous and embarrassing.  This was plain irritating.  I noticed he’s slowed down now.  The unnecessary wife mentions sometimes don’t even make an appearance, for which I am thankful.  I wonder why though.  Unless he is telling a story that she is a part of, like the Highway story, he doesn’t mention her anymore.  My non tinhat guess is that he was aware that fans were getting pissed off, especially since, he had mentioned something about her in a panel recently [I don’t remember which one], and someone in the front row said:  We know! 

Another thing I don’t like about this relationship is Genevieve intruding on fan space.  If people are paying bucket loads to see their favorite actor, unless they specifically ask for a guest appearance by the actor’s wife, don’t intrude.  Once, Genevieve appeared on stage, during a J2 panel, to contribute something unnecessary to the story they were recounting.  I think it was the highway story.  Then she made sure she kissed him before leaving, while the crowd watched.  Why?  She added nothing fresh to the story, and couldn’t she wait to leave the stage, to kiss her husband.  She isn’t paying to see her husband.  The fans are.  Don’t take that precious time away from them. 

And I noticed, she usually sits at the side of the stage, overseeing the whole exchange.  As far as I know, Danneel hasn’t done that yet.  Why the need to loom over the proceedings?  Does she love to hear him talk?  That reminds me of the livestream they did, where he was talking and she mouthed ’'blah blah blah’' while making a mocking hand gesture, because apparently he was talking too much.  So obviously Jared’s yammering doesn’t entertain her.  

Then at Jib, she got to join the panel.  I didn’t fault her for attending because apparently the previous year, he had gotten sick and didn’t make the con.  I assumed she was there for moral support.  I am a non hatter so that is my analysis.  You cant of course, explain your perspective.  But that doesn’t mean she needs to be on stage.  For what?  Its not like she did something spectacular whilst there.  Rob, Rich and Jared had to take over the discussion because she was so dull.  Eventually even Jensen joined in, revved the crowd up even further, and left.  One of her fan girls complained that the boys ’'didn’t even let her speak”.  Thank goodness they didn’t.  

She is inserting herself between Jared and the fan, and now people are forced to be enthusiastic about her.  Its so unfair.  It almost seems like Genevieve wants shared custody of the fans.  That is not how fame works.  You earn it.  You don’t inherit it.  I started to get more and more annoyed with being forced, [by all of fandom, I thought] to go crazy over some woman, I could care less for.  She wasn’t impressive as fake Ruby.  And I was not the only one who thought so.  Cassidy was a bland actor, in my humble opinion.  Genevieve was worse. 

The only reason she didn’t fade into oblivion, like all the other female actors, is because she married Jared.  There was a blog called anti-Genevieve on Tumblr, that received a lawyers letter to cease and desist, because of defamation of character.  Its her right to safeguard her reputation, so no problem there, especially if the blog is over malicious without proof or facts.  I did visit the site.  But I don’t remember seeing anything horrible other than her being called a beard.  But it has been a while so maybe I just forgot.  

However,  there is another blog called Supernatural Snark.  Almost the entire blog bashes Jared for everything that comes out of his mouth.  One day, an ask about Jensen’s weird behavior at Jibcon, illicited an odd response from the blogger.  The asker said that Jensen’s breakdown was Misha, Jared and the destiheller’s fault because Misha queerbaits his fans, Jared teases destiel and the fans abused Jensen on Twitter after Jaxcon.  She said Jensen was trying to pacify the fans.  The blogger said that it didn’t make sense for Jensen to wait six months to pacify the fans.  Then she disabled the comment so the asker couldn’t respond.  Of course, even I know he waited six months, because he shares no other panel with Misha.  That’s when I realized that Supernatural Snark is a heller blog. 

How come Genevieve doesn’t send a cease and desist lawyer’s letter to this witch.  I think I know why.  She only looked for anti stuff about herself on the net and that’s how she found this page.  If she was looking for anti Jared blogs, she would have found Supernatural Snark.  The Minute Maid commercial and her words in it were a little incentive.  She said she was making so many sacrifices.  Well missy, bundle up your babies and buzz off to Vancouver.  You husband is not gone off to war.  You are sacrificing nothing. 

She doesn’t seem to care for him.  She doesn’t care about his campaign.  She never tags AFK for anything.  She tags Random Acts, though.  The thing that makes my blood boil, on a personal level, is that she claims that she also suffers from depression.  As a bipolar sufferer myself, the one trend I noticed is that when people are impatient with me, and I point out that I have bipolar disorder, they quickly say that they also suffer from depression, so they don’t look bad.  Since when does she have depression.  Because if she did, she wouldn’t ignore her husband’s campaign that is supposed to help people like her.  Is she sharing in her husband’s sympathy the same way she is sharing his fame? 

She has diehard fans on Instagram.  One of them is Ivana.  Ivana gushily asked Genevieve to sign her name so that Ivana could have it tattooed.  I was surprised.  When did Gen become a rockstar?  Then I realized that Ivana has her own SM page where she says she is ITK and best buds with Genevieve.  So she knows that Jared abuses his wife and neglects his children.  Ivana is a heller.  Her best friend Lua James [@Poptivist on Twitter], led a smear campaign against J2 for the Nolacon joke.  Her followers are the ones that made this problem reach MSM.  And J2 had to apologize, publicly, for nothing.  That is ok, because what Lua and gang were initially hoping for was for separates for the boys' panels, so that Jared wouldn’t be near Jensen.  Genevieve is making herself the whip with which hellers can beat Jared.

And both Ivana and Lua cornered Danneel at one con to tell her how everyone hated her, except them.  That was their snide contribution to tinhat hate.  Danneel signed Poptivist’s SPN magazine, with the caption:  “He is mine, bitches”… something inappropriate like that.  Danneel was wrong for writing that.  I noticed she fights with Jensen’s fans a lot.  Ungracious.  Lua is so toxic that she needs a guard at the cons, supplied by Creation to keep an eye on her.  WTF!!!  I always wondered why she wasn’t just excluded, but I think it’s because she is friends with a Creation staff member who also happens to be Misha’s relative.  And because she is a Misha fan girl, she gets to stay. 

That’s why Misha’s face appears on the main posters with J2, despite him not being a lead.  Because he is related to staff.    The wives have no fans, but I think Genevieve’s ego is in denial.  Her intellect isn’t, which is why Jared’s appears in her vlogs.  He is the deal sealer for her.  One day this pompousness is going to backfire on Gen.  I hope she figures that out one day. 

APOLOGIES FOR ANOTHER LONG POST.  I HOPE YOU DONT MIND.

Thank you for your submission, I’ve always wondered what non-hats make of the OTT parade and the wife stanning.

[jewlwpet]

Space Pirate Mito, overall impression

This is a shounen anime from 1999. It’s sci-fi, as you might expect from the name. It has a wacky sense of humor, an endearing cast of characters, a fascinating and unique storyline, and some deeply affecting emotional scenes. It also featured numerous LGBT elements, the execution of which was... so-so. Could’ve been much worse, but also could’ve been much better. I do think it tries to present a positive message, and it isn’t always effective, but it is certainly memorable. There are numerous things that could’ve been improved, but I think the show as-is has a lot of value mainly coming from its uniqueness.

If you live in the U.S., it’s available for free (both seasons) on youtube from Nozomi Entertainment, just like Revolutionary Girl Utena is. Season 1 is also on both Crunchyroll and Amazon Prime; I don’t know what other countries this applies to. Piracy sites have this show too, of course, so you have options regardless. It’s also available on DVD for a surprisingly reasonable price, 22.49 USD from rightstuf, and that’s if you get it new.

Here’s the synopsis I like best for season 1, the one from animenewsnetwork:

Mito isn't just another space pirate, she's a three foot tall childlike alien with enough guts to outshine a supernova. She's known as the galaxy's most dangerous pirate, a wanted criminal who destroys a dozen police space cruisers every day before breakfast. But all she really wants is to be called "Mom."

Incidentally, Mito is voiced by the late Tomoko Kawakami, who also voiced Utena Tenjou! This was shocking for me to learn; they sound nothing alike, which just shows the versatility of her talent.

Wikipedia gives the following synopsis:

The first series of the farcical sci-fi title mainly revolves around the small space pirate Mito and her fights with and flights from the galactic police force, as well as her relationship with her half-human Earthling son Aoi, initially largely ignorant of his mother's spacefaring life.

This is basically accurate; however, there’s also a complex and compelling story that begins to unfold in the later episodes.

It’s in the unravelling of this story that the show’s LGBT themes are first introduced. I’ll insert a readmore here, because this post is getting long, so I might as well cut off before getting into plot spoilers: But if any of you goes off to watch it based on the above, there is a high chance you’ll end up checking back here at some point to determine if it’s worth sticking with.

If you’ve watched Simoun--another LGBT-related series that I adore and appreciate for its originality despite some serious flaws--this’ll sound familiar to you.

For Mito’s species, “sex differentiation” happens once a person is 10,000 years old. It’s not something that happens by itself, though; it is undergone by “choice.” I’m putting that in quotation marks because it certainly isn’t a free decision. Children are allowed to be flexible with their gender presentation, but “growing up,” in the eyes of society, means to become either a man or a woman, by fixed, preset standards. Those who don’t are socially ostracized.

In Simoun, at least, if you have your heart set on one role or the other, you can be sure to get it. Here... it’s not really clear, it seems that there is no such guarantee (I’m not sure if it’s just random, or if it’s arranged by one’s parents). Hence, it’s easy to imagine why some would find such an event absolutely horrifying.

One of the characters has a backstory that involves resisting this; I was really impressed with how this was established, except for the fact that this character did happen to be a villain. However, he (the character is shown saying “I’m a boy! I’ve already been differentiated” in his backstory, so that’s what I’m going with) joins the heroes’ side in the second season and is never made to conform, nor are the show’s protagonists ever anything but respectful.

However. For plot reasons that really do make sense in context (...sort of. it’s still contrived), Aoi ends up having to undergo sexual differentiation even though Aoi had been following a human pattern of physiological development up to that point. Aoi has no control over the process, and when it ends, everyone is shocked to find that Aoi is now “a girl.”

...Well, the humans are shocked. The aliens mostly take it in stride.

Aoi is also queen of the galaxy now, because sometimes that just happens.

For the record, this all happens in the final episode of season 1. This means that we don’t get to see the initial period of Aoi adjusting to this new role. Ultimately, I think that’s probably a good thing because it leads to many of the usual uncomfortable tropes being glossed over, but it also limits our insight into Aoi’s thoughts and feelings about this, which is pretty important. There are some mixed messages.

Something decidedly Bad is the way that the viewers are clued in on what happened to Aoi, which is... a couple of girls accidentally seeing under Aoi’s clothes and being shocked... and then the teacher wanted to look, ugh. That’s as bad as it ever got but it’s Pretty Bad for sure.

Onto Aoi’s reaction.

This is going to require some context. What first happened was that Aoi’s body became impossible for the aliens’ machines to detect as male or female, which led Mito to realize and explain that Aoi must be going through Sex Differentiation now. Only, the one weapon that could defeat the villain requires the user to have undergone it and be recognizably one or the other. This was the villain’s plan all along; he did “experiments” on Aoi to induce this, not out of a desire to cause suffering but for pragmatic reasons which still sound extremely contrived (though I was pleased to find that season 2 actually addressed why the weapons were built like this, whose decision it was, who was benefiting from it and how).

Consequently, Mito was demanding that Aoi “become either a man or a woman immediately.” Because Aoi had no idea how to control the process, the decision was made for Aoi’s (female) love interest to kiss Aoi and potentially “turn him into a man.” The reason I’m bringing this up is because notably, Aoi is not necessarily very keen on this idea, saying, “What about my feelings?” But it happens, and even, annoyingly, works long enough for the weapon to be used. (Not gonna lie, I was totally hoping that the opposite would happen and this would be the catalyst for Aoi taking on her True Form as a lesbian. That would’ve been epic). That said, it doesn’t last, and s2 leaves absolutely no room for the idea that kissing girls is inherently a “male” thing, so I don’t consider it a big deal on the whole, just such a missed opportunity.

Mutsumi, Aoi’s love interest, said in the end that her feelings for Aoi were the same regardless of what happened, but then ruined it by adding “Besides, I’m sure I can turn him back into a man.” (Aoi had not said a single word this point; she just thought that was something she could decide on her own, ugh--Mutsumi has clearly gotten over this by season 2, though; it never comes up again). At this point Aoi ran away “to find a planet where I can become a man,” according to the note left behind. It’s very possible Aoi just wanted to escape from everyone’s incessant comments and questioning, but that’s only speculation on my part. The next thing we see is Aoi being crowned queen, appearing somewhat exasperated and resigned.

Now onto season 2! Things get better... a lot better. Season 2 has its own unique and compelling story arc, with a new, more powerful villain. But the first thing to talk about how it opens, with an OP that seems to show a typical romcom with a scifi twist, one that happens to be about two girls. I love it.

S1′s OP centers around Mito, with this one centering around Aoi; because of that, it doesn’t feel like “now that we have a Female Protagonist we must make it a Love Story.” Just in case that was on anyone’s mind.

What the song tells us about Aoi’s perspective is interesting, but it can be hard to connect it to what’s shown in the show itself. It starts out with the line, “I’m a happy but lonely girl,” and includes the line “Hey, can you understand a maiden’s heart?” but Aoi certainly makes no such pronouncements withing the show (this would really make the show more comfortable to watch, because then it would certainly be Good and Right that everyone considers Aoi a girl now) and in my opinion would probably not feel comfortable doing so. I can imagine Aoi listening to a song like this and secretly strongly identifying, but that’s just speculation on my part.

I’m probably taking it more seriously than it was ever intended, but I will say, I don’t think it was made to be a mean-spirited joke. It doesn’t feel ironic. The visuals match the lyrics and melody rather than contrasting with them, and the upbeat tone is the same as that of the first OP. My best guess as to the motivation behind making it is that it’s to really bring the point home to the viewers that Aoi is a girl now and that that wasn’t just a silly joke ending to the first season but represented a major change in the status quo.

Early on in the season, Aoi has a dream about becoming a boy again and being with Mutsumi. If you want to believe the OP you could say that this is because Aoi feels that being with Mutsumi (romantically) would necessarily require being a boy. And this is a worry that Aoi canonically had, early on, but I think that most viewers would take the scene at face value and it might not be any deeper that that.

There was one other scene in the season that suggested Aoi would prefer to live as a boy, this one towards the end. In fact, Aoi shouts outright, “I would go back to being a guy if I could.” That said, the context is that a villain is torturing Aoi in an attempt to make that happen. Considering Aoi had already surrendered to that villain to save others (don’t worry, it all works out in the end), this could be as simple as “I would do what you wanted if I knew how.”

What I was hoping for, and what I think would have been awesome, is if at the end, Aoi would get a choice and would choose staying queen of the galaxy over becoming a man. Unfortunately, we didn’t get that. We do see that the experience has made Aoi a stronger person, more confident and expressive, and the show does end on a good note: The galaxy has been saved, and Aoi is free to be with the girl she loves, and looking as happy as in the OP for the first time ever, and has taken control of her life in general at last.

I didn’t mention this, but there’s another girl who has a huge crush on Aoi in season 2, and I was worried she’d be a “predatory lesbian” stereotype, but to my relief, this was not the case, and she ended up being one of my favorites.

She’s just like Nanami (from Utena--the director of this show actually directed Utena’s third ep, On The Night of the Ball) but openly gay and I LIVE for that. She has some great character development too.

[phinnsyreads]

Item #: SCP-032

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-032 is to be housed in Automated Containment Unit 535/15. Direct contact with SCP-032 is to be restricted to research-relevant tasks only. Interviews, if deemed necessary, are to be carried out using the Unit’s remote communication array. While SCP-032’s presence is not directly harmful to the human body, exposure to it is to be limited to periods of 12 hours or less due to its adverse effects on most beneficial microorganisms. SCP-032 is not to be exposed to any biological material not refined or otherwise tempered by humanity, with an emphasis on non-human living entities. For full list of classifications, see Document-032-RCL. SCP-032 neither requires nor requests substances or other forms of comfort.

Description: SCP-032 is a Type-F (imperfect external resemblance, internally inconsistent) human simulacrum of currently unknown origins. It is composed of an outer shell of pigmented silicone (5.5 mm thick), and various plastic fiber polymers, with the outward appearance of a Caucasian woman nearing the third decade of life. SCP-032’s interior is composed entirely of liquid refined oil, lacking any skeletal or muscle structure. Despite this, SCP-032 is capable of locomotion and speech. SCP-032 is capable of maintaining the illusion of humanity at a moderate distance, but becomes unconvincing at a closer range, causing mild discomfort in most observers. This effect has been deemed non-anomalous. Despite apparently possessing fully-realized cognitive abilities, SCP-032 claims that it is not sapient, acting only as an intermediary instrument of its creators. The Foundation has not been able to verify or refute this claim as of yet.

SCP-032 has extreme adverse effects on any biological entity in its close vicinity not created, willfully influenced, manipulated by or similarly relating to humanity. While the exact nature of these effects varies, SCP-032’s presence inevitably causes severe and irreparable damage to the ability of any living organism to exchange and/or use energy: wild flora loses its ability to photosynthesize or otherwise produce or consume energy, fauna the use of its respiratory and digestive systems, etc. This applies to microorganisms as well, though SCP-032’s effects seem to favor damage to their reproductive systems instead. It is hypothesized that the symbiotic relation some microorganisms have to humanity is the reason for this discrepancy.

SCP-032 was discovered sitting on the doorstep of the inner compound of Foundation Site-██ near ██████████, Slovakia. When questioned by Foundation security personnel, SCP-032 explained its anomalous effects and claimed it was there ‘to be stored’. Surveillance footage show no record of the time of its arrival, and it is not yet known how SCP-032 came to know Site-██’s location or approach it without being spotted. When asked for its reason for seeking Foundation custody, SCP-032 replied that it was there at the command of its creators, seeking 'indefinite storage, until claimed’.

Addendum:

Interview 032-A

Note: this interview was recorded near the time of SCP-032’s initial containment by Dr. Alexander Kovac, Site-██ resident psychologist, following its initial examination by Site Security.

<Begin Log>

Dr. Kovac: Before we begin, there’s something I feel I should ask you, since security so often neglects doing so. It’s not strictly conforming to protocol, but I find it tends to make things easier.

SCP-032: I was instructed to cooperate. Dr. Kovac: Good, very good. Tell me then, what is your name?

SCP-032: I don’t have one. People have names. I’m not one.

Dr. Kovac: Is that so? What did your so-called creators call you then?

SCP-032: They didn’t.

Dr. Kovac: Surely, they had to refer to you somehow?

SCP-032: I am a vessel of their will, and nothing else. They never needed to call. They never will.

Dr. Kovac: In that case, would you mind if I refer to you as SCP-032?

SCP-032: I was instructed to cooperate.

Dr. Kovac: So you said, so you said. Tell me then, what is the purpose of your coming here?

SCP-032: I am to be stored here until collected.

Dr. Kovac: Security told me that much, but why here, and collected by whom?

SCP-032: Collected by the ones they wish to torment, and stored here because in finding me here he will suffer further.

Dr. Kovac: Is that so? Is that person you refer to part of this organization then? Do your creators bear some grudge towards a particular operative?

SCP-032: He is not one of you. Merely a… one-time sympathizer, of sorts. He believes you tried to help him once, and if he is forced here, if he finds me here, you will die. That will hurt him. They have no interest in any of you, or your organization. You are here as a tool, just as I am.

Dr. Kovac: Who is this man then? What did he do to earn this sort of treatment from your creators?

SCP-032: He did not know his place. Won when he should have lost, was proud when he should have been humbled. Was wasteful with gifts too precious for abuse.

Dr. Kovac: And you are here as punishment?

SCP-032: He was already punished. Severely. Forced away from kin and kind, to endlessly wander, to destroy against his will. To poison humanity by his very presence. Eternal solitude, flavored by ceaseless guilt. A masterwork of torment, they say.

Dr. Kovac: If that’s the case, why are you here?

SCP-032: Because even in this existence, there is the occasional moment of solace. At times, he may yet look to the world and see things he will not destroy. Look to nature and feel warm wonder, and bask in the false light of ancient, moldy memories. It keeps him sane, gives him hope. That will not serve. Hence my presence. I am to be his last undoing, a hastening to the end of reason.

Dr. Kovac: And how will your presence do that? Are you meant to deceive him in some way? Is that why you look the way you do?

SCP-032: In a manner of speaking. Eventually, his wanderings will lead him here, to me. In a day, or a month, or a century. And he will recognize me, and see what they think of his precious memories. How they mock them. He’ll understand that because of his actions, she is forever beyond his grasp, and all that remains to him is… me. A simulacrum as artificial as his hope. When he finds me, I will attach myself to him, and he will watch the mockery of his memories destroy his last source of solace. And that will be that.

Dr. Kovac: I… um. You said he will recognize you. Why?

SCP-032: I used to be his wife.

<End Log>

—

Interview 032-B

Note: This interview was held six months following SCP-032’s initial containment, as part of a series of interviews meant to evaluate SCP-032’s cognitive abilities and personality, or lack thereof.

<Begin Log>

SCP-032: I hate her.

Dr. Kovac: Well… that’s certainly a way to start an interview. Care to elaborate?

SCP-032: The one I was made to look like. My… mold. I hate her.

Dr. Kovac: An interesting sentiment for you to have, considering your repeated assurance that you possess no consciousness or feelings of your own.

SCP-032: I don’t. I hate her because they want me to. It serves their purpose.

Dr. Kovac: How do you get that impression?

SCP-032: The first thing they did, after creating me, was to show her to me. It’s not something they often do.

Dr. Kovac: I don’t follow.

SCP-032: Interfere with those who passed beyond their halls. They might be vengeful, spiteful, even cruel, but they take their duties very seriously. Just to show her to me, to risk disturbing her final rest… they wouldn’t do that without a purpose.

Dr. Kovac: And-

SCP-032: She was beautiful. So peaceful, serene. Whole. Even gone, even dead, I could see the essence of who she used to be… of who she still was, and forever will be. Her soul. They told me she didn’t get to live for all that long, but when she lived… she was herself. She was alive. And so I hated her. Do you know what it feels like, to be made as a mockery? In every line of that smooth, silent face, I saw a twisted reflection in my own. Fragrant skin to molded plastic, soft hair to synthetic fiber, blood to oil. Soul to nothing at all.

Dr. Kovac: Excuse me if this sounds presumptuous, but I can’t imagine feelings like this coming from anywhere but yourself.

SCP-032: [Shakes head] Can’t you see? This is all part of their plan. When he finds me, when he sees what the Brothers created just to punish him further… he’ll go mad.

Dr. Kovac: Because of what they did to the memory of his wife?

SCP-032: Not only that. Because he’ll see me. He’ll see how much I hate her, and how much I hate myself for not being her. Hate being here at all.

Dr. Kovac: And then what?

SCP-032: Then… a final realization.

Dr. Kovac: And what would that be?

SCP-032: He never won.

<End Log>

===

[The voice of Dr. Kovac was provided by @phinnsy.] [The voice of SCP-032 was provided by Brittany ███████.]

[ihopeulikereallygayships-blog]

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[chryso71]

Module: ILN2001 2020/21

Research Project

Chryso Yiallouridou

Introverts-Extroverts-Ambiverts

Today we live in a time where extrovert culture dominates our lives. It is a “celebrity-centric”, “model-centric”, and “presenter-centric” world where “outgoingness” reigns (Ahsan, 2019, p.29). The principles of the extrovert culture require people to be loud, bossy, bold, active, fun and adventurous. The goal is to be popular, to be liked, to be visible, to show a “know-it-all” personality, to… brand yourself. Small talk dominates over substantial conversation, false happiness and forced friendliness are ever present, bragging and excessive consumerism are the norm (Ahsan, 2019). People are judged by superficial criteria: their looks, their (pretend) hobbies, the stuff they buy, the way they spend their leisure time. Cain talks about the rise of the “Extrovert Ideal”, or the “omnipresent belief that the ideal self is gregarious, alpha and comfortable in the spotlight” (Cain, 2013, p.4). She explains that our cultural focus on extroversion has made introversion a second-class personality trait, “somewhere between a disappointment and a pathology” (Cain, 2013, p. 4). We learn to idolize the charismatic, outspoken, assertive, confident person and devalue the soft-spoken, quiet, reflective, reserved person.

In this world of extrovert tyranny, being an introvert is considered an insult. Introverted people are being oppressed, stigmatized, and forced to become loud and extroverted. They suffer “bullying, humiliation, exploitation, erasure, exclusion, alienation, discrimination, epistemic violence and disadvantage at the hands of the global system of Extrovert-Supremacism” (Ahsan, 2019, p.14). For many introverts, the pressure to conform to a culture of extroversion has costs for their mental and physical health, their personal lives, and their sense of integrity and authenticity in terms of the choices they have to make everyday. “Research suggests that acting falsely extroverted can lead to stress, burnout, and cardiovascular disease.” (Cain, 2012, p.22). Many social events for introverts are simply exhausting. Most of them are characterized by social rules that require you to “keep calm and carry on talking”. Everywhere extroverts are moving around at ease, making small talk, and laughing in clusters while the introverts are smiling weakly, nodding their heads, hunching their shoulders, and struggling just to find one person with whom they can be comfortable with.

Cain (2013) also states that most characters in teen sitcoms have clear extroverted personalities that make them popular and successful. Introverted characters in these movies and TV shows are portrayed as socially awkward and undesirable. These shows present only stereotypical portrayals of introverts as powerless and pathetic. The story usually emphasizes how introverted kids are trying to change in order to be more popular. The media’s underrepresentation or almost total omission of marginal social groups is defined as “symbolic annihilation” (Tuchman, 1979). Tuchman divided symbolic annihilation into three aspects: omission, trivialization and condemnation. Teen sitcoms have all three of these characteristics (Zhou, 2017). They either completely omit these characters, or present them in the most trivial roles (like the satellites of the shining extrovert stars), or condemn them as pitiful and pathetic. In her research, Zhou found that the representations of extroverts and introverts in these shows put extroverts in more powerful roles and the introverts in more passive and powerless roles. “Protagonists in contemporary teen sitcoms fit the criteria of extroversion: they are energetic, social, confident go-getters that live a glamorous, independent, exciting lifestyle and tend to have outsized personalities” (Zhou, 2017, p.28). According to Stuart Hall, representation gives a group of people their public identity; it teaches people how to read, evaluate, and understand a group of people and shows how relevant and important they are in society (Zhou, 2017). Therefore, the symbolic annihilation of introverted characters implies that introverted people are not worthy of appreciation and that extroverted behaviors are the acceptable norm in society.

Similarly, social media reflect a similar pattern. They encourage people to present a sense of self that is typically, bold, exciting, sociable, and outgoing. Social networking sites, like Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, YouTube and others have provided a space for young people to share information about themselves with other users (and brag about how many “likes” they got). In these websites people control the image they present by selecting specific pictures of themselves smiling around friends or videos that most of the time are deliberately recorded showing themselves engaging in hobbies they never really take up. This is the ideal world for extroverts. They now have a worldwide audience and a technological device that helps them to manage the impressions that others make about them.

But let’s get things from the start. About 100 years ago Carl Jung suggested the most important distinction between personalities and defined extroversion/introversion from a psychological perspective (Jung, 1921). According to Jung, extroverts concentrate their interest on the external world (people and activities outside of them). They draw energy from social interaction, and they tend to be outspoken and sociable. They are friendly and sometimes impulsive, they love crowds, excitement, and risk-taking. Introverts focus on the internal. They find social interactions draining, and they need time alone to recharge. They value inner life, silence, contemplation, reflective solitude, intimate company, tranquility, peace (Ahsan, 2019, p. 15). If you’d ever decide to look at things through an introvert’s perspective, you’ll see that they spend their time learning new things, studying or even taking care of others. Nevertheless, they will never be considered as the “alpha” of their group but their roles are equally important (if not more important sometimes). Precisely because they don’t rush into conclusions, they can be wise and think with a clear mind. The phrase “think before you speak” could have even been created by an introvert herself addressing an extrovert.

Although extroversion and introversion are psychological terms, these concepts are used by ordinary people who label others based on their behavior and body language. This can lead to a lot of myths about how extroverts and introverts behave. One common myth is that introversion equals shyness. But, as Cain reminds us, “Shyness and introversion are not the same thing. Shyness is the fear of negative judgement, and introversion is a preference for quiet, minimally stimulating environments” (Cain 2012, p.7). You could be a shy extrovert or a bold introvert. Why do people tend to link shyness with introverts? First, because to the outside world, shyness and introversion seem to be the same thing, and second, because our society is against both traits. In addition, a shy person that was once an extrovert, could slowly become an introvert since life experience usually changes people towards being more quieter and self-contained and less in need of excitement. Take for example the stereotypes that we have created about introverts: we label them depressed and afraid to “seize the day”, go on adventures, take risks and speak up for themselves. These stereotypes do not exactly imply an active guy who likes to go out and experience life (and who also happens to be an introvert and enjoy spending time by himself). Being an introvert has a lot to do with being mentally engaged with your inner world and very little (if not nothing) to do with being shy or depressed.

A second misperception of introverts is that they are often considered asocial. Introverts tend to make friends more slowly than extroverts and extroverts tend to make friends more quickly (kind of like going swimming in early May; some will go into the water inch by inch and others will run and dive into the icy water straight with their head first). However, when you find yourself having a small friendly conversation with a neighbor or better yet, a random stranger (a barista, a cashier), even though it may cause positive feelings it doesn’t necessarily mean that you should be forced to party or socialize with them more often; too much of that could feel exhausting for someone who is an introvert. It should be clarified though that just because introverts get overwhelmed around many people this doesn’t stop them from having fun, learning and engaging in all sorts of activities. They are completely capable of experiencing the state of “flow”, as Csikszentmihalyi defined it, “when you feel totally engaged in an activity — whether long-distance swimming, song-writing, or ocean sailing. In a state of flow, you’re neither bored nor anxious, and you don’t question your own adequacy.” (Cain, 2012, p.23). Besides that, nobody doubts that introverts are perfectly able to develop nurturing relationships with their family and close friends, and spending time with loved ones is never exhausting and it doesn’t make anyone feel socially drained. As Cain put it, “If you don’t cast your social net too wide, you’re more likely to cast it deep — which your friends and family will appreciate.” (2012 p.25).

Interestingly, Jung also said that all of us have both sides, but one side is more dominant than the other. Well, this detail was missed, and until recently, psychologists and behavioral scientists divided the world into these two opposite types of people. Today the conversation shifted to include a third personality type, that of the ambivert. Petric states that introversion and extroversion “are part of a single, continuous dimension of personality. Most of the personalities can be measured somewhere between two extremities. The most adaptive personality traits have ambiverts, because they exhibit both introversion and extraversion, depending on the situation”. An ambivert is someone who has qualities of both personality types and can switch from one to the other depending on their mood, the circumstances they are in and their goals. Ambiverts, Bernstein (2015) notes, are like being “bilingual”. They speak both languages of introversion and extroversion. They can move between being social or being solitary, speak up or listen carefully, and turn inward or go outward according to the situation. If you think about it, aren’t we all ambiverts? Haven’t we all found ourselves at times feeling good around other people and at times wanting to crawl into a cocoon and disappear? An introvert may be reserved around strangers but can be highly energetic or even bossy (see my sister) around certain people (family, close friends, or their partner). An extrovert may enjoy being around others but there are times when even those hyperactive types need time alone to recharge. Introvert, ambivert and extrovert constitute a spectrum of personality traits rather than clear-cut personality types. In any case, both Cain (2013) and Ahsan (2019) challenge us to recognize and celebrate the unique qualities of introverts and give them space to flourish and find a voice.

References

Ahsan, H. (2019). Shy Radicals: The Antisystemic Politics of the Militant Introvert. Book Works.

Bernstein, Elizabeth. "Not an introvert, not an extrovert? You may be an ambivert." Wall Street Journal (2015).

Cain, S. (2012). The power of introverts. TED: Ideas Worth Spreading.

Cain, S. (2013). Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking. Broadway Books.

Jung, C. G. (1921). Psychologische typen. Rascher.

Petric, Domina. "Introvert, Extrovert and Ambivert."

Tuchman, G. (1979). Women's depiction by the mass media. Signs: Journal of Women in Culture and Society, 4(3), 528-542.

Zhou, Y. (2017). Are Introverts invisible? A Textual Analysis of how the Disney and Nickelodeon Teen Sitcoms Reflect the Extrovert Ideal.

[sethpeck]

An Interview with Ford Ivey

(note: I originally published this in September 2001, back when I ran a NERO fan site, no longer maintained.  I’ve kept the raw text and have provided here for perpetuity.  I publish it here today, March 21st 2021, the day after Ford Ivey passed away. I have edited it for spelling and censored the former name for the current NERO Gadabari race.)

Blast from the Past

An evening with Ford Ivey

Older players recognize the name, but for those of you just joining us, Ford Ivey is often attributed with being the grandfather of NERO.  Not twelve hours after releasing the first issue of NEROtics.com back in July, Ford offered me an interview in the future.  Like I was going to say no. Seth Peck, NEROtics.com: How are ya? Ford Ivey: [laugh] I'm fine--and in much better health than the old days. I have lost 256 pounds. I'm weighing in at 244, and don't have diabetes nor high blood pressure any more, and the heart is a LOT healthier. SP: Wow--that's quite a change. Any secrets you wish to divulge? FI: Yeah.....surgery! [grins] Seriously. I had a gastric bypass. I was gonna die if I didn't lose weight. That was a year ago on July 5th. SP: Well, it's good to hear that you are in good health. FI: Well, it's good to be in good health. SP: As NERO gets larger and more and more newbies join the game, I hear more and more people asking about the origins of the game and "stories from olden days". Being a relatively new player myself, compared to the life-span of NERO, I find myself wondering also. How did NERO get its start? FI: Wow...big question. It started way back in 1986. I heard about a game in New Hampshire called "Midrealms Adventures". I heard about it about six months before I could get up to play it...and imagined what it would be like when I did play it. When I finally did, it was not a lot like what I imagined. It was a module based game--a few hours and it was over, and a marshal had to be with you all the time. I wanted a game where the players could be free to do what they wanted. SP: So what did you do? FI: I ran my own. At the time, I had just started a group for Friday night table-top gaming at a Boy Scout explorer Post in Newton, Massachussets, and we had available to us a Boy Scout Camp--Nobscot by name--and we decided to run a game of our own there. I had a group of 7 or so guys helping me. We wrote it, cast it, and ran it. We invited a group of 6 or so friends of one of the guys to PC it. SP: Did this game have a name yet? FI: Nope, no name. We called it "Weekend Warriors" for the first year or so. I ran a bunch of different variations on the game. I wrote the plots, bought the props, paid for everything, and ran them myself. SP: So how did it go? FI: The first game was pretty bad, to be honest. SP: [laughs] Care to elaborate? FI: Yeah--it was bad because we had very few costumes or props, we basically told the PCs where to go. We had some major problems with the PCs not picking up on things. It was amazing to us how much stuff gets missed when you are doing it for real rather than around a table. We had one point [where] we had gone to great lengths to make sure they knew that the "Ranger" character they met on the trail was a good guy and they could trust him. Well, he had been captured and was going to be sacrificed. We drug him out, proceeded to sacrifice him, knowing the PCs were watching, expecting them to save the guy--they didn't. They just watched. Poor guy had to steal a dagger, and save himself. They got to him as he was breathing his last--one guy got to him, and he said: "Beware the Dark Lord! Seek the Man of the Mountain!" When the other players got there, they asked him what he had said. He replied, "He said something about a man and a rock." SP: [laughing] FI: But we kept trying things, getting closer to the vision I had. Then, in November of 1988, we ran a game called "Shandlin's Ferry". It was the immediate ancestor of NERO. SP: how long did first several events last? FI: We did set up on Saturday and started mid afternoon on Saturday. Then we ran until Sunday afternoon. The Shandlin's Ferry game started at noon on Saturday and ran 24 hours. It was notable for several reasons: first, it's the game where we figured out how to do the NERO style play--players running around with no marshals. It was also notable because the founders of the game came together for the first time--Craig and Debbie Walton, Mike Ventrella, Heidi Hooper, me, Bob King--all of us were there. We decided after the success of that game to try and run what turned into NERO. Craig Walton came up with the name. Shandlin's Ferry remained on the NERO map, and what happened at that game became part of the NERO world. We even had a Shandlin's Ferry campaign in the Massachusetts chapter a few years later. That gave me a lot of satisfaction. SP: Speaking of the creators: I did some checking on the other LARP games (Amtgard, Dragoncrest, Camarilla) that are still being played today, and with the exception of the SCA, none of them have been around longer (although IFGS was starting the same time you were). Did you consider yourselves innovators in RPGs? FI: Did we consider ourselves innovators? Not at the time, I don't think, though we finally started to realize what we had done a year or so later. In retrospect, it was quite an innovation. It was a break from the old-style module based game, which was started at Treasure Trap in England--that's what Middle Realms was based on. The IFGS is a module-based game. Treasure Trap and a bunch of English games have been running longer than us or IFGS. Also, the ILF (Interactive Fiction Society) has been around quite a while. SP: What was your experience with RPGs prior to all this? FI: Wow. I started playing Dungeons & Dragons way back in the 70's with my brother. I owned everything they put out, all the way back to the three little book set. I made a huge jump into role-playing when I started a store--The Gamemaster. It's really the home of NERO. We got everything started there after NERO was set up. SP: Tell me about your store. FI: It was a great store--we had everything. It was upstairs at 444 Massachusetts Ave in Arlington, MA. We had six or so tables for gaming in the store in the front. They were well-used. We had everything that had to do with roleplaying, and most stuff that had to do with miniatures. I used to have mini-conventions there every month. A guy named Brian Reddington-Wilde helped me run them. He's a game designer of some renown nowadays in miniatures rules--runs a business called "Goblin Tooth Enterprises" SP: I've heard of them. Do you no longer run the store? FI: Nope--NERO took over the store. We moved it twice, and the store part of it got smaller every time. Finally, we just dropped the store part and got an office. That was after Mike Ventrella wrote the article about NERO that made it into Dragon Magazine. After that article, we suddenly had, like, 5,000 members. There was no WAY we were ready to handle that many people. I'm afraid that customer service suffered a lot then. We used to have huge games. In 1992, we ran what is now known as the "Brood" weekend--the first game run by Rob Ciccolini. We had over 700 players there, including something like 150 NPCs. That was at Camp Wing, a really cool place with an old stockade and everything. SP: How many chapters were there when that happened? FI: Chapters? None. We were trying to get a couple started. The first was a New Jersey chapter, which later broke away from us and became LAIRE. Then Georgia--they later broke away and became SOLAR. The first chapter that remained was PRO, in Pennsylvania. Another Georgia chapter formed about then, too. All of this was about late 1992 and early 1993. We didn't have ANYTHING ready to support other chapters, though we got REAL anal about them conforming to our standards. A big mistake, in my opinion. SP: I've read the 3rd edition rulebook and know how much different the rules are today--and I've heard a few stories about some of the different classes and races and spells. Can you try to convince me that Stone Elves aren't Vulcans? [grinning] FI: Naw, I wouldn't even try to convince you of that. [laugh] Have you read about Metamorph and Obliterate It's true: Obliterate used to be a spell like any other. SP: What was Metamorph? FI: It was a spell that took a small representation of something--say a mouse--and allowed you to turn someone into one of them. It got, as you can imagine, severely abused. We even had a Truth spell--you'd be amazed how people remember the same event in very different ways. We had folks who sincerely thought they were telling the truth, and whose accounts of things just didn't match other people just as sincerely telling us about the same event. [It] makes you sympathize with the court system. Did you know I hate modules? SP: [laughing] What do you prefer? FI: Need them for the game, but I hate 'em. I've only been on maybe 3 in my entire career. I prefer the characters playing themselves, and getting into whatever because that's who they are. I don't know--I love the social aspect of the game, and the big problems that land in your lap, and having to deal with those. Modules are good because we have a chance to do special effects and marshalled calls that we can't do anywhere else, but--I don't know--it's the most artificial part of the game. SP: So do you like massive combat encounters at the edge of town? FI: Lord, no. I prefer hanging out in the Tavern, telling jokes with bad accents, being with friends, and being a hero when something visits. Combat encounters? I like them sometimes, but I'm not out there for the combat. But then, I'm not typical. I love the ceremonial stuff, the Tourneys, the Pomp and Circumstance, the armor, the look of the thing, the chance to make myself a part of a great movie moment. That's what I like, and that's what I tried to give to other players. Though I found over the years that those things are not as valuable for many of the other players as they are to me. SP: Some of the other races, while not unseen elsewhere in other forms, pique the interests of many new players. Where did Biata come from? FI: They were based on griffins. In the early days, we were still feeling our way as to what we could and could not do in a Live game. Heidi had a cool concept for them that included some mind powers that, so it turns out, just can't be included in this type of game. They became a group of Northmen/barbarians sort of Shaman-type people. Their mind powers got severely cut back. You live and learn. SP: I also heard an interesting story about the first formal component ever placed in a treasure count. FI: What first component was that? SP: I don't know what it was, but something about how no one else knew either and it got passed around for awhile until someone became formal-capable. FI: Oh, yes. We put out components for several events before people knew what they did. The early ones were tags taped to tongue depressors and then covered with plastic tape to help protect them from the weather. When they got used, the sticks were supposed to get broken. BOY, did I get sick of buying tongue depressors. SP: No matter how much things change--some things remain the same. FI: Yeah, that's true. The Formal Magic system was a fairly late addition to the game--probably in our third year or so. It was a good idea, but took years before it became even close to balanced. [grinning] SP: How come Sarr can't purchase Waylay? FI: Oh, Lord...well, that's a touchy one. Sarr were supposed to be all blood-lusty and like that--when they did damage, they wanted to see BLOOD, dammit! So, they were restricted to using weapons that were bladed, no blunts. And you [since] can't waylay someone with a blade... SP: Wow, was that ever an emotional reaction! FI: It was a silly thing. The designer of the race (Jade LeBlanc, I think) had one concept, and they guy who was in charge of approving it had another. Guess who won. Like I said--both touchy and silly. SP: Tell me about the Mystic Wood Elves. FI: Lorne Lehrer created them. Cool race, roleplaying intensive. I actually was sort of not paying attention to them as they were created--I came to an event and this guy showed up with these horns and ears. I had no idea who or what they were. I love Mystics--it took me a few years before I finally got a fair idea of their culture and stuff. SP: I guess the "bigness" of the game caught you up in that, especially with the increasing number of members and eventually chapters. How did you deal with that? FI: Slowly. It took us a while to get the game together enough to really be able to run a multi-chapter game. We really started to get it together in about 1994, by which time we had maybe 5 or six chapters. When we got our permanent site in Ware, Massachusetts in 1994, we really started to pull it together. The most useful thing was the annual symposium in September every year. Everyone got together for a weekend there, and we got a bunch of stuff done--not as much on the rules and stuff as we hoped we would, but mostly it was good to realize that we were all one game, and needed to work together. SP: When you were still in the development stages, did anything get left out that you wished could get in? FI: I guess you could say that. In retrospect, there were a lot of things that I wish we had done differently, or better. I wish there was a true economy, for instance, trading and getting the stuff to make the things you need to adventure. It gives so many more dimensions to a character--the closest NERO comes is the Formal Magic System and the components it takes to do the spells. But in general, no--we changed the bloody game ALL the time in the first few years. Heck, the first xp/bp ratio was: first level: 1 = 1; second level: 2 = 1, and so on. We made it a lot steeper, then had to make it steeper yet the next year. I think we needed to make it even steeper than that. The power scale is too steep, too--as in, the power of older players as compared to the power of a new, entering character. But now we're getting into game design, which would take forever. SP: (The current formula is (n^2 +5n)/2 xp/bp where n is your level.) Like Roddenberry and Gygax you've gone off to do other things. tell me briefly about your new project. FI: The Isles? Well, it's taking all the things I learned over the years and applying them to a new game. It's an attempt to solve the problems. I think it succeeds very well. Quiet combat, a real economy, and a bunch of skills that are very useful to the characters that are not combat related. SP: Do you have any other stories you wish to share? FI: A million or so. [grinning] I have been doing this a long time. I couldn't begin to cover the stories that it would take to do this justice. SP: I guessed. How about just one favorite? FI: How about, instead, I tell you why I do this? What "moment" do I do it for? It's those times--when I'm sitting in the Tavern, all the check-ins done, the cabin assignments finished, all of that stuff--the game is well underway, people involved in doing what their characters want to do, involved in the plot of the weekend, or on-going stuff with their group. All of them, standing around, weapons glinting dully in the candle light, talking low, in character, people gambling for gold in the back, [Gadabari] bellowing and laughing--all of it seems real. For a while, you're there. In that spot, in that reality, and it's those times I feel like what I did--what we did--really meant something. SP: Thank you for a most magical discussion! FI: Magical? [laugh] Well, you're welcome.

[baddly-well-done-translations]

Hole/M. Manson: The Beauty and the Beast | by Richard Royuela, Rock Sound magazine N°15, year 1999

  There’s no doubt that at the present time, Courtney Love and Marilyn Manson are two of the most controversial characters in the world of rock: egocentric, capricious, intelligent, shrewd… Well, they possess all that sort of adjectives that anybody needs if he wants to triumph in this complicated circus.

  Both of them are the frontmen of their bands, Hole and Marilyn Manson if somebody was left with doubts, and have been at the center of the world these last nine months because of the editions “Mechanical Animals” and “Celebrity Skin”, albums which practically have overcame all commercial and qualitative spectations everyone had on them.

  The big surprise came when at the end of last year, it was announced that Hole and Marilyn Manson were going to protagonize a two month American tour in which they’d play in big enclosures with the increasingly popular Monster Magnet. Lots of people didn’t believe in the implausible nature of the prompt, since it didn’t seem easy for the egos of Courtney and M. Manson to coexist too much time together, but at the same time, being as intelligent as they are, both of them should have known that it was the perfect way for them to be seen by the biggest number of people it could be. This way, the big question of the year was open. Or did somebody doubt this wouldn’t be?

Aerial crisis n°1

  Obviously such an event couldn’t be ignored, and because of that, we decided we had to be there at all costs. The chosen date would be Sunday 14th of March, in which both bands would visit the legendary Forum of Los Angeles… But it wouldn’t be so easy.

  When I entered Barcelona's airport the Saturday before the concert, I wasn’t minimally aware of what was going to happen. The so classical behind-of-schedule arrivals made me lose the junction between Paris and Los Angeles. It seems that the fact that twelve persons had to make that same junction wasn’t enough motivation for the airline to wait for us fifteen missere minutes, and there you watch me rotting seven magnificent hours in Paris airport waiting the eight of the night to come so I could take the following flight… But the surprise had to come soon, because after two hours waiting, the “magnificent and educated” company’s staff told us that the flight had been canceled and it wouldn’t leave until the next day. That meant I’d lose an entire day of my short stop in Los Angeles and also have the beautiful sensation of being treated as a donkey and of an oh-so-educated staff of my new favorite airline called me “rubbish” because I asked for explanations of that big caos. Let’s see if he’s so confident when the report arrives to him. Anyways, let it all be in the name of rock.

The preambles

  Thanks to God I arrived safe and sound to Los Angeles with the exact time to go to a hotel, contact with the person from Universal Records, the great Jose Puig, take a shower, eat something and go to the Forum. Little time to find out that that would be the last concert of the tour. Yes, all those bad omens from the bad talkers had come to reality, and the tour hadn’t even lasted one month. Hole had decided to abandon. Official reason was “production problems”, a too broad term to be taken seriously. In some declarations I found on MTV, Courtney Love said that she had soon noticed that playing in sites with 25.000 persons wasn’t a very good idea and the best was to finish it soon. But as it’s often the case, the rumorology had started and now other motivations about Hole’s abandonment were running. The most popular one was one the actress Rose Mcgowan, current Manson’s girlfriend, had started. Reportedly, she was totally jealous about the possibility of Mrs. Love approaching her man and because of that, she prohibited him from having any kind of contact with Courtney. This and some declarations she made in the magazine Alternative Press, in which she said that she couldn’t understand how anybody could like Hole’s new album, and that if the press said good things about it, it was because they were scared of Courtney Love; it seems that these things flamed up the fuse of discord. What is clear is that watching the show Hole gave made it easier to me understanding why the band’s desertion. But we’ll talk about it later.

  It seems that difficult times start to be history for Monster Magnet. Dave Wyndorf himself has affirmed on more than one occasion that after the “Dopes to Infinity” tour he thought about ending the band, at least at a professional level. Luckily for him and all of us, “Powertrip” has achieved an unexpected success in America, they’ve just been awarded with a gold album and in Europe they’ve even managed to  increase their status in Europe. The fact that “Powertrip” has sold 500.000 CD’s in America hasn’t only been useful to the confidence of the band for going high, but apart of that to open the doors of big tours like this one. However, it’s obvious that on this tour Monster Magnet is nothing more than a special guest, as Faith no More in the tour of Guns ‘n’ Roses and Metallica. With a technically empty forum, and an empty forum is something impressive! Monster Magnet started the short half hour it had available. Without doubt the tracks of “Powertrip” are the ones that take up the totality of the repertory, being “Space Lord” and “Powertrip” those which were best received by their few, but unconditional, fans that acoplated in front of the scenery. With the inclusion of a second guitarist, the total protagonist of the stadium is Dave Wyndorf. Getting rid of his guitar in more than half concert, he feels more comfortable in his character of frontman and lots of his movements remind of the ones of his admired Iggy Pop. Having in mind that the conditions weren’t made to triumph: few lights, poor sound, so little amount of time, the truth is that Monster Magnet got off the scenery more than successfully, proving that all the rewards they’re getting and will get are more than well-deserved. At this time, a tour with Metallica, that isn’t little. 

Courtney’s rage

  For any fan of Hole, a start with “Violet” and “Awful”, the best songs of the new album, would be enough to be satisfied. And that’s no more, no less, what they did. Although in the course of these two songs, it’s easier to understand Courtney’s rage. Far from being the double billboard that was sold, Hole wasn’t more than some luxurious support band. The Californian quartet didn’t compete, neither in terms of scenery and sound quality, at the same conditions as Marilyn Manson and also a big part of the public, although the forum was technically full, wasn’t there because of them. But any of that was an impediment for Hole to perform an antologic concert. With the ascension of Melissa, a red-dressed goddess and the entry of the new baterist, Samantha (from Shift), spectacular and effective to the maximum; Hole has gained a lot in the aspect of visuals. Courtney is still the main focus and Eric, as always, is “conformed” with being staying next to the podium carrying the musical weight. And although she isn’t that beast that seemed to be dying in every concert anymore, she still is a star full of charisma that not even Hollywood could calm. The concert was based on “Celebrity Skin”, although the memories from the past -”Doll’s Dress”, “Miss World” or “Teenage Whore”- weren’t left to the side and in the 60 minutes the group demonstrated that they’re in the right path to be an atemporal rock band, or the Fleetwood Mac of the 2000, said in other way. As the concert continued, Courtney got hot and as she started getting out of her clothes (she ended in a transparent dress and an ass check in the wind) she didn’t stop shouting instructions against the press, television and whatever got through her head. Definitively it won’t be easy to stop Courtney and the fact that “Celebrity Skin” has got up again in the American charts will surely help with that. As expected, she didn’t even condescend to thank Marilyn for the days they spent together. 

And with you, the most stupid fall of all the history of rock

  When Mr. Manson appeared in the scenery crucificted in a cross made of televisions, the hysteria was total. That’s the unequivocal simbol that they’re a big group with all that entails. Dressed in the same way that in the tour that brought them to Spain, there wasn’t any real differences with what we had seen before. That means that his ribcase was punched, there were microphone foots all around the floor, the stilt act, etc… although it’s fair to recognize that the band was having an inspired night. But the great moment came when in the middle of the interpretation of “Rock is Dead”, Mr. Manson, over a one meter high platform, decided to lower his pants to his knees. Not conformed with that, he tried making some steps. Result? He couldn’t maintain the balance and fell off straight to the floor, totally fulminated. While he was still totally  inmovile in there, the rest of the band kept playing as if nothing extraordinary had happened. After that the lights went off and Manson was dragged out of the scenery. In those moments we all thought it was part of the show, but something indicated to us it wasn’t normal when the concert didn’t resume and the loudspeakers told us that because of technical matters the show was going to stay interrupted for another five minutes. Five minutes which guided to the final communication said that because of an accident of the artist, the show had ended. Only a few complaints as an answer. Would we have reacted the same way in Spain? And 25.000 persons with a “circumstance face” started getting out of the forum. The next day it was said that M. Manson had suffered from an ankle break and the tour would continue with Monster Magnet and Nashville Pussy as guests.

  It was speculated that the fall could had been an act that would permit Manson gain time and restructure the tour after Hole’s dissertation.

  An unforeseeable end, or depending on how you see it, totally previsible for a tour that had only started a month ago.

Aerial crisis n°2

  The next day I had to abandon Los Angeles and return to Barcelona, but a new surprise was waiting for me. The flight had been canceled again and I’d have to stay a short night in Los Angeles. Incredible. And as if it weren’t enough, in the hotel I was given I couldn’t smoke and there wasn’t any porn channel. Somebody take me the hell out of here!