#then sam dean cas and charlie had dinner in the bunker again and had a Jolly Fun Time the end

[vendettasfanfictioning]

no. you don't understand how funny this scene was to me.

these four basically represented how dean winchester was perceived by others. there's the people who love him; charlie (platonic), sam (familial), and cas (romantic). then there's rowena who, at the time, was the stand-in for their "enemies" (hatred).

and they all need to work together to cure dean. i'm unwell 😭😭

[dothwrites]

15.19--freedom

“Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose/Nothing, don’t mean nothing if it ain’t free, no, no”--Janis Joplin

---

Freedom. 

Dean rolls the word around on the tip of his tongue and tastes how it feels. Freedom. 

It’s a strange concept, especially since he always assumed that he was. Ever since Apocalypse Version 1.0 was averted, Michael and Lucifer locked in the cage, thanks very much, he’s always assumed that he was the one calling the shots. No matter how badly he fucked up (and he fucked up a lot), he could at least take comfort in the fact that those were his choices. No one’s hand up Dean Winchester’s ass, no siree. 

And then Chuck came and ripped that certainty away from him in one quick motion and then...everything was suspect. Sam, Mom, Jack...Cas. Every word, every action, every emotion... He couldn’t trust anything, so he trusted nothing.

He still wakes up from nightmares with those words echoing in his head: You’re dead to me. He bolts upright, almost puking, because he can’t believe his past self, he can’t believe that those words came out of his mouth, to Cas, to Cas of all people--

He splashes water on his face and notices that his hand is shaking. His stomach churns in warning, but he doesn’t think he’s going to puke. However, he also doesn’t think he’s going back to sleep tonight. 

He and Sam are in the bunker, but he knows they won’t stay. It’s too empty now, their voices echoing through the halls and rooms. Maybe once, he would have been all right with that, would have even enjoyed it, but now, he can’t bear it. He remembers all too well how it felt to have Jack’s voice bouncing through the kitchen as he talked about the latest movie they had watched, or how it felt to just feel Cas behind him as he moved through the kitchen. 

Every time he makes his breakfast, he’s reminded of what he lost. Every time he and Sam come back to the bunker, there’s the sinking disappointment to find themselves alone once more. Dean ends up spending most of his days in his room because anywhere else freaks him out. He can’t stop whipping his head to look over his shoulder, halfway convinced that he’ll find someone standing behind him. He’s always disappointed when he finds himself alone. 

He and Sam are going to leave the bunker behind. He doesn’t know when and he doesn’t know what for, but he knows that it’s going to happen. 

He asks Sam one afternoon why he hasn’t left yet. Eileen is waiting for him, biding her time a hell of a lot more patiently than Dean would, and Sam still isn’t going to her and starting the American dream life. And one afternoon, Dean either runs out of fucks and gathers up his last little shreds of courage, and asks him. 

“So when are you going to move in with Eileen? I can’t imagine that she’s going to wait for your gigantor ass forever.” 

Sam looks at him from across the table. There’s a book open in front of him, but Dean doesn’t think that he’s read a word. He knows that he’s been stuck on the same screen on his phone for several minutes. Without the pressing urgency of saving the world, things just seem so...pointless. Which is not necessarily bad. But it means that he and Sam spend a lot of slow, lingering afternoons like this, with just the two of them wandering through the bunker and occasionally bouncing off of each other like two very faulty pinballs stuck in a malfunctioning machine. 

“She’s fine,” Sam says, which isn’t an answer. “She understands what’s happening.” 

Dean’s glad that someone understands because he surely has no fucking clue.

---

His life falls into a kind of routine. Wake up, make breakfast. Find pointless chores to do around the bunker. Make lunch. Watch some bullshit shows on TV. Make dinner. Have a beer. Fall asleep. 

He feels like the worst kind of retiree, devoid of purpose. 

Sure, there are occasional hunts, but he doesn’t feel the need to go on them. The world is turning, same as it always did, and there are other hunters in the world. If that’s one thing that he learned through these past years, it’s that he doesn’t have to do everything. 

(Plus, he and Sam literally defeated God, so he thinks they deserve some time off.)

The forced retirement doesn’t make him happy. The bunker is the cleanest that it’s ever been and he doesn’t feel happy about it. There’s a gaping hole in his chest that’s shaped like the rest of his family, and he can’t sleep at night. He makes dinner and all he can think about are the empty places at the table. 

Sam sticks his head into Dean’s room. It’s a regular day, though Dean doesn’t bother to note either the actual date or the day of the week anymore. Time blends together in an endless cycle of waking, chores, and sleeping, because without a purpose to hold him together, he’s slowly falling apart. 

“I’m going to head out,” Sam says. Dean notices that he doesn’t put a timeline on his departure. “You should get out too.” 

Dean raises his eyebrows but doesn’t ask the obvious question: Where would he go? Sam, slightly chagrined, scuffs his feet against the floor. “Maybe go see Jody, Donna, and the girls? See if Charlie and Stevie want a third on their hunt? Bobby said something about building up his library here.” 

“Yeah,” Dean says, with absolutely no intention of following through on any of those suggestions. He’s not quite wallowing in his own grief and filth (every time he tries to crawl back into a bottle, he just remembers the pinched look at the corners of Cas’ eyes whenever he would find Dean halfway through a bender, and that memory effectively nixes any desire he might have had to crawl into the nearest bottle), but he’s not exactly the poster boy for healthy coping strategies either. 

“Dean.” 

Dean hates that note in Sam’s voice, the oh-so-soft and sensitive tone that could soothe widows and lull children. He hates even more that it’s being turned on him, hates most of all that he derives comfort from it. 

“I don’t get it,” Dean finally says, because if Sam is leaving then he might be losing his chance to ask his question aloud. “I don’t get...I mean, Jack could have brought him back. He could have done it. I could have asked him. I was right fucking there, and I didn’t ask.” 

He’s dissected those moments in his head until there’s nothing left, and he’s forced to cobble them back together like some Frankenstein of memories just so he can take them apart all over again. Why didn’t he ask Jack to bring Cas back? Why didn’t Jack do it of his own free will? Jack knew how he much he needed Cas; hell, Jack brought him back once before when he wasn’t God. So why couldn’t he do it then, when Dean needed him the most? 

“I don’t know,” Sam says, still in that same soft voice. “Maybe...maybe it was like Mom? I mean, Cas made his choice. For better or worse, he made it, and maybe Jack thinks that we need to respect it?” 

A thick lump rises in his throat. Cas’ face replays in his nightmares, tear-stricken and yet smiling, peace and grief shining in his eyes. I love you. Like it was the easiest thing in the world to say at that moment. Like it was all he’d ever wanted to say. 

“I never...” Dean swallows, but he doesn’t manage to chase away the horrid feeling rising in his chest. “I never said it back to him, Sam. I never...all those times he said it to us, and I never...he died, thinking that no one loved him. The one thing I want, I know I can’t have, is what he said to me.” 

Dean doesn’t necessarily have a list of his regrets (there are too many to really list), but if he did, then he knows this would be at the top of it. Cas sacrificed himself, Cas let himself get taken, Cas died, and all to save someone who he believed didn’t love him back. 

How could he not know? 

Dean knows he’s not necessarily Mr. Subtle; he knows Sam knows. Their enemies damn sure have seemed to figure out through the years exactly where Dean’s heart lies. How could Cas, as brilliant as he was, as insightful, as compassionate as he was, not understand that Dean’s been lost on him, quite possible since the first time he walked through those barn doors? 

Sam’s face goes on a journey and it ends up at about the same place that Dean feels. Maybe now Sam understands why it’s so much effort for him to just make it out of his room. 

“He thought it was worth it,” Sam finally says. “Even if he thought...At the end, it was still worth it to him.” 

You were still worth it, is left unsaid, but Dean hears the echo nonetheless. There’s an accusation there which he doesn’t want to confront, but he has to nonetheless. 

“I can’t stay here anymore,” Sam finally says. “I can’t...” When he looks at Dean, his eyes are glistening. There’s a plea for understanding in his face. “There’s a whole world out there that I haven’t gotten to see since...since Stanford really. Since ever. I can finally go out there and walk around and not worry that something’s going to come after me. I can finally...” Sam rubs a corner of his shirt between his fingers. “You always said that I wanted a normal life, and I did, for a while. Then, when I figured that it was never going to happen, I stopped myself from wanting it, because what was the point? When everything we had got ripped away from us, what was the point of anything? But now...” 

“If you start now, then you can probably make Des Moines by night,” Dean offers. It’s all he can say, but it’s enough. 

Sam smiles, his eyes glassy. “I’ll call you when I get there.”

It’s not a goodbye, but it is. It’s the bonds of desperation and codependency snapping and shattering and reforming into something else. Dean doesn’t know how to love his brother in this new world. All he knows is that Sam deserves to live the life he’s deserved. 

Dean closes his eyes. 

When he opens them, Sam is gone.

---

That night, he goes up on the roof of the bunker. It’s cold, but not unbearable. There’s a light drizzle falling which strengthens to a gentle shower the longer he stays outside. 

Dean closes his eyes and looks up at the sky. Out here, the stars shine clearer than ever before, visible even through the rainclouds. 

He can’t help but think of Jack. His son. He can say those words now, acknowledge that Jack gave him everything he really wanted; the chance at a family, the chance to erase some of his father’s sins. Jack was gentle, he was kind, he was loving, he was theirs. And then he was gone. 

Cas, Jack, Sam...

“What am I supposed to do?” Dean asks the rain, the same wild pain rising up in his throat. “What am I supposed to do now?” 

---

He makes it back inside, damp and cold, and strips himself. He should shower, but he can’t be bothered, so he falls into bed naked and shivering. Not like it matters; no one is around to see him anyway. He falls into a fitful doze and is only awakened hours later by the soft sounds of someone moving around his room. 

He bolts upright, snatching his gun out from underneath his pillow, because old habits die never. He blinks the sleep out of his eyes as his heartbeat catches up with his adrenaline. “Sam?” he asks, and then, more tentatively, “Jack?” 

His desk lamp blazes into the life with a soft snap. Dean’s heart leaps into his throat. 

Cas smiles at him, the same as always, sadness always lurking in his eyes and at the corners of his mouth. Dean finally understands why he looks that way. 

“Hello, Dean,” Cas says. The sound of his voice sends shivers down Dean’s spine, but the hair on his arms doesn’t rise. Dean understands then. 

“This is a dream.” He lowers the gun. His heart slows to normal and disappointment is bitter in his mouth. “You’re not really here.” 

Cas’ mouth lifts in a lopsided smile. “It’s as real as you make it.” 

“Don’t fucking Dumbledore me,” Dean mutters. He rubs at his temples. Somehow, even lucid dreaming has lost its appeal. Talking to Cas isn’t appealing when he knows that he’s just talking to his own subconscious. 

“I fail to see what a fictional wizard of questionable sexuality has to do with this.” 

“Good to know that my subconscious has your sense of humor down.” Dean glares at Cas. “Why the fuck are you here, anyway? It’s a dick move, even for my brain.” 

“Maybe because I’m the person you want to see? I don’t know. It’s your head, not mine.”

“Yeah. No offense, but I think I’m just going to go back to sleep. Or wake up. I don’t know. Whatever it is, I don’t need to see you anymore. It’s just...It really hurts, all right?” 

“I’m not real, so you’re not really hurting my feelings.” 

“Good. Well, now that we have that sorted out.” Dean punches his pillow as a punishment for betraying him, before he turns back to Cas. “I miss you,” he says, because he’s weak and always has been. 

“Dean.” The sound of Cas’ voice always manages to make Dean stop and now is no different. He turns around and looks at Cas. 

Somehow, Cas looks more solid around the edges. The lines around his eyes are more pronounced, and if Dean turns his head at just the right angle, he thinks he can see grey silvering at Cas’ temple. 

“Sam was right,” Cas says. “I made a choice. That’s what this was all about, ever since the beginning. Making choices, running our own course, picking our own path.” 

“Yeah, thanks for rubbing it in,” Dean mutters. The last thing he needs is his subconscious reminding him that once again, Cas decided that he wasn’t good enough to stay with. 

“But that doesn’t mean that you can’t make a choice as well,” Cas continues, ignoring him. “There’s nothing to stop you. You can make whatever choices you want and take the consequences that come with them. And if you make the right choices, then maybe...” Cas bites his lip, looking almost nervous. “Then maybe I can make some choices too.” 

Dean opens his mouth to argue--Cas is dead, the time for making decisions has come and gone--but his subconscious is a dick, and before he can say anything, his dream fades away in a wash of black. 

---

Dean wakes up energized. His eyes open into the same room, but it’s different somehow. It’s ridiculous, because the bunker is underground, but it’s almost like he sees the sun shining through his windows. Even the air tastes different. For the first time in weeks, he gets out of bed without dreading every step away from his mattress. 

He glances at his phone. There’s a message from Sam along with a picture. In it, Eileen and Sam smile at the camera, their heads pressed together at the temple. There’s still a shadow of sadness in their eyes--they’ve all lost too much to be truly carefree ever again--but they look good. Happy. Whole. 

Cas’ words echo back at him, both from the dream and from those last, horrible, terrifying moments. 

Everything you did, you did for love. 

You can make a choice. 

Dean starts towards the library. 

---

It takes him three weeks of almost non-stop research to cobble together enough spells to make something that has the potential to work. This isn’t his strength; Sam is much more suited for this type of work, but he won’t bring Sam in on this. If this thing goes really damn badly, then it has the potential to wipe him off the face of the earth, goodbye Dean Winchester. If this thing does what he’s halfway expecting it to, which is nothing, then he’ll have gotten Sam’s hopes up for nothing. He’s not going to expose Sam to either danger or disappointment, not when Sam’s finally managed to get to some kind of happiness. 

If everything goes well...

Dean won’t let himself think about that. 

He spends two days smoothing out the kinks in the spell, double and triple checking his translations. He gathers his ingredients, and then spends another hour pacing around the library. His stomach is roiling, and his nerves are jittery. He can’t bear to stop, but he can’t bear to move forward. 

The memory of Cas’ smile spurs him into action. Cas went to his death a willing martyr for a man who he believed didn’t love him back. He can’t let that stand. If anything else, Cas has to know. 

The drive to Pontiac, Illinois takes him the better part of a day. The impala springs forward across the asphalt, almost like she’s eager to eat up the miles after her forced retirement. Dean pushes hard down on the gas pedal, urging her forward. One way or another, this is going to come to an end tonight. 

It takes him a while to find the barn. The last time he was here, he wasn’t in his right mind, still reeling from the horrors of Hell and the confusion of finding himself alive. He’d been scared and angry, lost and so very alone. And then an angel had walked through the door and told him that good things happened, that he deserved to be saved. The last little bit might have been a line fed to Cas by a bunch of dickhead superiors, but the sentiment behind it had stayed long after those superiors were all dead. 

They replaced the doors which Cas shattered and painted over the walls which Dean and Bobby covered with sigils, but if Dean looks carefully, he can see the shadows of them behind the new coat of whitewash. He touches them gently for a second, remembering Bobby and all of the years which led him back to this place. Then he pulls out his can of spray paint and proceeds to deface the barn all over again. 

When he’s done, he sets up the ingredients on the table. The table is where it was all those years ago, facing the doors to the barn. He doesn’t quite believe that Cas is going to pull the same trick, storming through the doors in a shower of sparks, but he can always hope. 

“God...Jack,” Dean corrects himself with a wry twist of his mouth, “I really hope this works. Cas, wherever you are, I really hope you have your ears on.” 

Dean looks at his translations and begins to speak. He’s hoping that intention counts for something as his tongue stumbles over the unfamiliar words. His heart beats an uncertain pulse in his chest. This has to work. It has to work. 

He puts every ounce of belief into his voice, every bit of the faith Cas once accused him of not having. I have faith, he thinks, putting force behind his voice, sending his words rocketing into the dimensions. I believe in us. 

What’s real? 

We are.

The last syllables roll over his tongue, followed immediately by a peal of thunder. The barn shivers, a ripple rolling through the air to settle over Dean’s skin. Electricity crackles in the air, filling him with potential. 

“Castiel?” he calls to the darkness. “Cas?” 

There’s no answer, but the spells and research had been unclear on whether or not there should be an answer. He would prefer knowing that Cas was listening, but in absence of certainty, he’ll have to have faith. 

“Cas, I really hope you can hear me,” he says. The words bring back the memories of Purgatory and a time when he and Cas could barely look at each other. He pushes those memories away and concentrates on the truth he can feel in his heart, the same truth which has guided him through the years and all the way from Lebanon, Kansas to the small barn where it all began all those years ago. 

“I know you made your choice. I know you were happy. But...it’s not the same without you. I’m not the same without you. I wake up and think about you, and you’re the last thing I think about before I go to sleep at night. Every moment, you’re there because you’re not there. I look at all the places you’re missing and I can’t help but think that everything would be better if you were there.”

Dean swallows. “I miss you,” he confesses to the night. “Cas, I miss you so much. And I want you to come back. Not because I need you or because there’s something to fight against, but just because I miss you and life is better when you’re around.” He thinks of what Sam told him before he went. “There’s a new world out there, and I can’t think of who I would rather explore it with than you, but in order to do that, you’ve got to make a choice, all right?” 

His heart is pounding so hard he thinks it might explode out of his chest. “I want to share my life with you. I want to figure out this world together. I want to be able to look at you and hold you and experience everything with you. Cas, I want to tell you what I should have told you every single day for years. I’m sorry that I never told you while you were with me. And I’m sorry that the first time I say it, I’m not going to be looking at you, but it wouldn’t be our lives if something about this wasn’t shitty, right?” 

Dean takes a deep breath. “I love you, Cas. Not because of what you can do or how useful you are. I love you because of who you are and how hard you try. And I want to say it to you, every single day, for years to come. I’ve made my choice, Cas. Now you just need to make yours.” 

Silence overtakes the barn. The only sound is the faint whistling of the wind through the slats of the barn and the quick rasp of his breathing. There’s no flap of wings, no deep voice growling in his ears, no pop of electricity. 

“Please, Cas,” Dean whispers, closing his eyes to try and stop the burning behind them. “Please.” 

Thunder rolls through the barn, shaking through the wood down to the dirt floor. Dean’s head jerks upright as he scans the barn. “Cas?” he calls, hardly daring to hope. “Castiel?” 

A thin, golden thread rips open in the air before him. It looks almost exactly like the rifts between worlds which Jack used to create, but that’s not possible. 

It’s not possible, but Dean dares to hope anyway. 

“Castiel? Cas?” 

A single hand reaches out through the golden tear, and then Dean is moving, he’s practically tripping over his own feet in his haste to reach the rift. “Cas, Cas, please,” he’s saying, not quite aware of the words which are tumbling from his mouth. “Please.” 

Until his fingers grip the hand, he’s not sure that it’s real, but that’s solid flesh and bone underneath his palm. Dean pulls, feeling resistance on the other end. “No,” he grunts, reaching into the rift. His hand touches skin, and his resolve grows. He didn’t come this far only to lose. They haven’t come this far only to fall apart. 

“I want you,” he says, as though the force of his words can rip through the veil. “Cas, please, come home, Cas, please--” 

With an almighty heave, he pulls once more and then he’s falling backward, another body tumbling against his in an ungainly pile of limbs and bodies. There’s skin and there’s warm, and there’s weight. Out of the corner of his eye, Dean sees the rift close up, as neatly as if it were never there at all. 

He doesn’t care about that. He can’t, not now. 

Dean looks down at the body sprawled across his lap. There are miles upon miles of naked skin for him to peruse, and he hopes that he’ll be able to do so later at his leisure, but for now, all he can concentrate on are those two luminous eyes blinking up at him. 

“Cas?” Dean asks, hardly daring to believe. His hands cup Castiel’s face, fingers sweeping a few locks of dark hair off of his forehead. 

Castiel blinks at him, his dark eyelashes fanning over his cheeks. A slow smile creeps across his face, like the dawn spreading across the horizon. “Dean,” he says, his voice the same as it always was, but this time it’s better, because it’s a voice that Dean never thought he’d hear again. 

“Cas.” It’s the only word Dean seems capable of saying, but words don’t seem important anymore, not when he can lean forward and press his lips to Cas’, not when he can taste the small sigh of surprise on Cas’ lips. “Cas, I missed you so much, oh god, Cas, there’s so much I want to tell you, there’s so much I want to do--” 

Cas interrupts him with another kiss, his arms threading around Dean’s shoulders to pull him closer. Gentle fingers tug at the hair at the nape of his neck, and Dean thinks that he could live in this moment forever. 

But before he does that, there’s something else which needs to happen first. Dean pulls away, ignoring the small whine of protest from Cas. 

“Cas, there’s something I need to tell you,” he starts, only to be interrupted. 

“I know,” Cas says, his face splitting into a wide, gummy smile. No shadow lurks behind his eyes, no hint of tears glisten in his eyes. There’s just happiness, radiant and absolute, gleaming from his face. 

“I heard your prayer.” 

Maybe once upon a time, Dean would have been satisfied with that answer, but not anymore. 

“I love you,” Dean whispers, pressing the words into Cas’ skin with gentle kisses over his temple and cheeks. “I love you, I love you, I love you, and I’m going to tell you every day until you get sick of it.” 

“You’ll have to try for a very long time,” Castiel answers, his fingers tracing along Dean’s jaw. “I like hearing those words very much.” 

Dean can’t help but kiss him again. As he does so, he feels the lost and scattered pieces of his heart knitting back together until he can finally breathe for the first time in months. “Come on,” he says, once he surfaces for air. “Let’s go.” 

It only hits him then that Cas is naked. Apparently rebirth and snagging people out of alternate dimensions results in a distinct lack of clothing. Dean’s eyes want to travel over the skin revealed to him, but he waits. There will be time, he realizes with a tiny thrill of delight. He and Cas have all the time in the world.

He manages to find a blanket to wrap around Cas’ shoulders. It will do until they get out to the car where he has a spare set of clothes. For now, he helps Cas to his feet. Cas looks around him, his eyes wide and huge, as though he’s overwhelmed with the world around him. 

“Where are we headed?” Cas asks as they head towards the door. The Impala waits outside, beckoning them forward once more. 

Dean grins as the cool night air washes over them. It’s gentle and soft, eternity held in the breeze. There’s a world held within the palm of tonight, a world held within the rest of their lives. 

“Wherever we want,” he answers, stepping out of the shadow of the barn and into the world. 

As they walk towards the Impala, a light rain begins to fall. 

---

“Before, I wanted to say: "I found love!" But now, I want to say: "I found a person. And he belongs to me and I belong to him.”― C. JoyBell C.

[twofrontteethstillcrooked]

4 Oct. Suptober: Secrets

"Thank you for understanding," Cas said quietly behind him.

Dean turned around at that. He fought to keep his voice even. "What, exactly, am I understanding here."

au (choose ur own season! Charlie’s alive, no-one’s possessed); deancas, mildly nsfw

The ceiling in this room was strewn with runes, which shouldn't have startled Dean for at least two reasons. 

First, parts of the bunker's labyrinth of corners, closets, and hidey-holes had been designed for a variety of purposes only a few of which the Men of Letters had deigned to actually write down somewhere. The rune room, by contrast, was much more straightforwardly dedicated to runology, and whichever MoL had been in charge of decorating had gone with the obvious. In addition to the books, field research, and reels on runes and the collection of tablets, boxes, knives, almanacs, placards, plates, and skins (ugh) patterned with archaic alphabets, there were whole passages of rune poetry, songs, and spells painted on all available surfaces.

Secondly, and more importantly: there were five old quilts piled on the floor behind the tallest bookcase, and while Dean had spent multiple occasions underneath this ceiling, often while flat on his back on the quilts, he was usually preoccupied with amusements more potent than whatever the hell was spelled out between the bookcase's top shelf and the wall.

"Are you going to move anytime soon?" he whispered, smiling into Cas's hair.

Cas made a small noise of protest and did not shift his weight off of Dean.

"You're heavier than you look." Dean stroked his hands down the length of Cas's back, beneath the shirt they'd rucked up but hadn't managed to remove. "Earth to Castiel." He wiggled around on the quilts a little.

Eyes screwed shut, Cas pushed himself up just enough to slide off but remain plastered to Dean's side. 

Dean knocked his forehead against Cas's. "Hey." 

He couldn't figure out what to say in response to the look Cas gave him then. 

Bruised, Dean thought; vulnerable. 

Had he somehow hurt Cas while they…?

"I'm fine, Dean," Cas said, as though that wasn't the thing they both lied to one another about on a regular basis. He chewed his lip for a moment. 

"Cas--"

"I don't think we should keep doing this anymore." Cas had his eyes closed again, as if against a blinding light.

Dean blinked up at the ceiling. It was surprisingly blurry.

"All right," he offered. 

"It's just." Cas swallowed. "We agreed this was not." 

He moved away until he was flat on his back at the edge of the blankets. Dean's skin seemed to chase the missing warmth like it could call somehow it forth in the gap between their bodies.

"Not what," Dean said flatly.

"I don't remember what we called the arrangement." Cas sat up, reached for his boxer briefs and trousers slung over the nearest desk chair. "Casual."

Dean sat up as well, since it seemed quality time in the ol' pleasure palace had definitively ended. He wiped down quickly, with the washcloth he'd remembered to bring, put on his t-shirt and underwear while still sitting down, and stood up to tug on his jeans. His back to Cas, he put his arms into his flannel button-down and leaned against the bookcase. Nothing about getting dressed was strenuous, yet he was exhausted.

"Thank you for understanding," Cas said quietly behind him.

Dean turned around at that. He fought to keep his voice even. "What, exactly, am I understanding here."

Cas hadn't tucked in his shirt yet. The more-disheveled-than-usual wardrobe, combined with his uncombed hair and soft, sad eyes, got Dean going towards him before he even realized he was moving, tramping over the quilts. 

"It's not supposed to mean anything," Cas said, like he was apologizing for some trespass Dean could only guess at. "I broke the rules."

"We didn't." Dean stopped when he was basically standing nose to nose with him, an inch or two's worth of height neither here nor there. "There weren't any rules, not really."

Because that would have required more talking, and Dean, for one, had not wanted to talk. What he'd wanted was Cas under his hands, Cas's mouth on his, Cas naked, Cas gasping, Cas inside him hot and sweet as sin and salvation. And Dean had all that, and then some, for a couple months of sneaking at random if persistent intervals into this fucking room -- literally, a fucking room -- covered all over in what may as well have been secrets. Dean didn't speak a single rune language and apparently he didn't speak Cas either.

Cas couldn't move any further away without merging with the wall. His eyes on Dean's were so--

"This hasn't been meaningless, to me," Cas said, mouth turned down as though he expected Dean to hate him for the confession.

Dean took a step backward. "It hasn't been to me either." 

Cas looked at him like he'd spoken in Dalecarlian. Dean's heart clenched. He felt like he was just beginning to see the shape of what was happening, like if he looked away from Cas he would lose something precious he'd only just realized he was supposed to keep firmly in his grip.

Cas held his gaze, searching. He seemed to discover a revelation. "Oh," he said, his eyes suddenly alight.

The relief flooding over Dean was like diving into a clear, cool lake on a sweaty summer day. "Oh," he agreed, crowding into Cas's space again.

He hadn't kissed Cas but a dozen or two times in the last hour. Some remedies were easily executed.

Cas's hand tightened in his hair at the rap-rap-rappp on the door. His mouth was very red and Dean gentled the kiss without conceding it was necessary to actually stop kissing despite the interruption.

"If you guys are gonna be done with your research any time soon," Charlie called from the hallway, with a sarcastic emphasis on the word research, "Sam and I are ordering some Chinese. If, you know, you wanna eat some dinner with us later."

Dean waited until her footsteps faded. "She might be on to us."

Cas quirked an eyebrow. "Didn't you tell her what was going on almost from the start?"

Ah. Yeah, Dean had forgotten doing that. There were some real downsides to day drinking.

"And I told Sam after maybe a week," Cas said, with such innocence it only took five or six years off of Dean's life.

Dean laid his head on Cas's shoulder with a hidden groan and tried to recalibrate. "Wait. Why have we been sneaking around in here if everyone knows?" 

Not that two other people equalled the entirely of their acquaintance pool, but still.

"I thought you were enjoying the secretive nature of our encounters." Cas somehow managed to sound both prim and snarky. His eyebrow was working hard.

Dean took Cas's head in his hands and kissed his forehead. "The floor quilts are great. Y'know what would be even better? A mattress, Cas." 

"Noted."

Several hours later, Dean discovered that the ceiling in Cas's room was boringly plain white, not a runic inscription or rhyme in sight. He didn't mind.

[iamasphodelknox]

Suptober Day 17: Last Supper

Dean, Cas, and Sam were just sitting down to dinner - Dean’s best burgers with an apple pie for dessert - when Sam’s phone rang. 

Much to Dean’s chagrin, Sam answered. 

“Hey Charlie,” Sam said, purposefully ignoring Dean rolling his eyes. Cas chuckled. 

“Yeah, of course,” Sam said, in between what was obviously Charlie explaining something very rapidly to him. “Yeah, Dean and I can leave first thing in the morning.” 

Dean frowned. He hadn’t been on a case in almost two weeks. While Sam manned the phones, Dean had been passing cases off to the younger hunters and all that extra time meant lots of extra time with Cas. Who he’d have to leave, apparently. Dean's chest felt tight, like all of a sudden breath didn't want to enter his lungs.

Why was this so much harder than he expected?

Sam hung up the phone. “Charlie wants our help with a rogue vampire. She found the nest and they’re peaceful, but one of them has started killing humans and vampires alike. Charlie and the nest want help. I figured Cas can stay home to keep an eye on the phones.” 

Cas hummed and Dean swallowed. Act cool, dude. It's not a big deal. He felt Cas’s knee nudge his own under the table. Dean nudged back.

“Yeah,” Dean said, ignoring how dejected his voice sounded. “Where are we headed?” 

“Charlie’s been in Denver,” Sam said, “so we’ll meet her there. Shouldn’t take too long. A couple of days max.” 

Dead nodded. They finished their dinner in relative quiet, Cas asking Sam a few questions about taking care of the phone lines, but no other conversation. Dean’s burger felt like sand in his mouth. 

Honestly, when had he become such a sap? He’d be gone from Cas for three days max. And yet, he was acting like he’d never see him again. Which to be fair, there had been times when Dean actually thought he'd never Cas again. This was entirely different and completely unfair of his heart to be reacting this way for a simple, three-day case.

Dean was too old for this sort of drama. 

They finished their burgers, Cas volunteered to do the dishes and Sam left to go pack. Dean stayed at the table, watching Cas stack the dirty dishes next to the sink. 

“It might be good, you know,” Cas said. “Neither of us have been out of the bunker in a while.” 

Dean humphed. “We’ve camped in the garden. That’s outside.” 

Cas turned, leaned against the counter, and met Dean’s eyes, fondness etched in the corners of his own. 

“Dean,” Cas said, “you know what I mean.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Dean said. He shrugged and stood, gathering the last of the dishes off the table. “I just… I dunno. I liked not doing cases for a while. Being here with you. And Sammy, I guess. It’s different but…” 

“Good,” Cas finished for him. He turned to the sink and started to wash the dishes. He passed a wet dish to Dean, who dried it and put it back in the cupboard. 

“Really good,” Dean said. 

“But Charlie requested your help,” Cas said, giving Dean a knowing grin. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Dean said. “I’ll always help Charlie if she needs it. I’ll just…” Miss you. 

“I’ll miss you too, Dean,” Cas said as if he knew exactly what Dean had intended to say. 

Dean would miss Cas. More than he expected. It’s just a couple of days, he thought to himself. He sighed and Cas leaned towards him, kissing Dean on the shoulder, as if he usually did such things, before going back to washing another plate. Dean nudged Cas’s shoulder with his own.

“Thanks, buddy.”

“I don’t know what you’re thanking me for, but you’re very welcome.” 

They shared a smile that Dean would hold onto until he came back home.

Read the whole fic on AO3! Link in comments. :)

[fangirlxwritesx67]

Cry No More

Cry No More A Sam Winchester Finale Series

Summary: the rest of Sam Winchester’s life, stories of what happened between the moments and years the show gave us in the finale.  Canon adjacent, obvious spoilers for the show finale. Beta by @there-must-be-a-lock and @mskathywriteswords Photo edit in header by @lemondropsonice

Chapter 1: Pyre (1000 words)

Sam burns Dean’s body alone. He rationalizes it, in his grief fogged brain: it has to be done quickly, there’s no time to wait, Dean wouldn’t have wanted a fuss. 

He’s built many pyres in his day but this is the hardest one. Every stroke of the axe, felling trees, seems to cut to his bones. There’s a relief in the sweat, in the ache of his muscles, that allows him to forget, for a few moments, why he’s doing this. When it all comes rushing back in, he feels guilty. 

He washes Dean’s body, his pale cold form, with care. He is so still, just a husk. Familiar scars and his tattoo seem foreign under Sam’s fingers. The spark of life that made him Dean is already gone but Sam still loves what is left. He consults Rowena’s books, he pulls up ancient Egyptian texts. He anoints Dean with oils and incense and magic that Dean would scoff at, if he was here. But he’s not. 

In life, he and Dean often carried one another. Dead, Dean is almost more weight than he can bear. He stumbles, just once. But when he gets the body on the pyre, he falls to his knees and howls. 

They were finally supposed to have a chance at happiness. He cries until he wonders how he will ever light a fire when the sheet-wrapped form of his brother is so soaked with his tears. He beats his fists, already blistered from the axe, against the unfeeling earth. He screams and curses in every language he knows. 

None of it changes a thing.

Finally he flicks the lighter, and the pyre goes up in flames, and with it the only home he knew -- his brother. 

Sam watches as the fire burns to ash, as the sun sets and rises and sets again. Miracle stays by his side but on the second day, he nudges his wet nose into Sam’s blistered hands. He needs to eat. 

Sam somehow stumbles back to the Bunker, feeds the dog, and falls into a blackout sleep. 

He wakes up to a knock on his door, starts up stark naked and clutching a gun. It’s Donna and Jody, who both have the decency to keep their gaze above his waist. 

“We, uh, heard about Dean.” Donna starts.

"Thought you could use some company.” Jody continues.

“Uh, yeah.” Sam runs a hand over his face, feels the scruff on his cheeks. How long has it been? “Let me just -- thank you -- give me a few.” The ladies nod in understanding. 

Sam showers, puts on clothes, decides not to bother with shaving. He’s headed towards the kitchen when he hears -- giggles. Child giggles. He detours towards the library and finds Garth and the twins, chasing his daughter around.

Sam blinks. He was pretty sure these were babies not that long ago, and now they’re walking, and giggles sound weird echoing off the stone walls of the bunker. He stands still, shakes his head. 

Garth notices, and comes over to give him a hug. It’s the first time Sam has been touched since Dean died, so he melts into it like butter on warm popcorn. Garth makes soft shushing noises and pats Sam on the back until the twins collide into their knees, squealing.

“Gotta go,” Garth says, pulling back. 

Sam is still a little boggled when he walks into the kitchen, and everyone is there. Jody, Donna, Charlie, Apocalypse Bobby, Claire. The kitchen is a hub of noise and food and laughter, the way it used to be, when Dean was alive. 

It’s all too much, and for a long moment, Sam just stands there, feeling out of place in his own home. Claire notices, and walks over to take his hand and pull him into the circle of conversation. 

They’re talking about Dean, because of course they are. There’s a pause, for a moment, in the story, but it’s a good one, so Sam just nods. 

“That sounds like Dean.” If everyone hears his voice break a little on the name, they don’t mention it. 

It helps, Sam thinks, just to not be alone. To talk about his brother with people who knew and loved him. To remember the good times. 

After dinner, when Garth’s kids are tucked into bunker beds, they all gather in the library. Most people have swapped beer for whiskey. Sam gets the decanter set and pours two cups. He leaves one on the table and no one asks why. 

The stories get wilder, the laughter louder, voices overlapping in a rush to share the memories. Sam looks around and thinks that they’re all too old for this, that they should’ve retired from hunting years ago. He doesn’t realize he’s said it aloud until Bobby answers. 

“You think you’re old, son, what about me?” 

Sam actually grins, then, and tries not to wince at how foreign a smile feels on his face. He tries very hard not to think of Jack calling Dean “old man,” of Cas mentioning his age, or Rowena — he shakes his head. Too many people gone, too much loss. 

He doesn’t share his stories, not tonight. It still hurts too much to speak them aloud. But it helps to hear them, to be reassured of the difference Dean made, of how much he was loved. 

This is a hunter’s funeral, after all, not just the pyre but the gathering afterward. Dean deserved to live, of course, but short of that, he deserved to be remembered this way. He was a hunter, and he died as he had lived. 

Sam looks around the room, and lifts his glass. Everyone falls silent to hear what he has to say. “A wise man once told me that family don’t end in blood. Dean was my family, but so are all of you. My family, and his.”

Everyone drinks to that, and tears flow freely. Sam’s heart breaks again, and begins to heal all at once. 

Chapter 2

Series Taglist:  @hoboal87 @muchamusedaboutnothing @samsgirl2020​ @vulgar-library SPN First Last and Always: @boondoctorwho @dawnie1988 @deanwanddamons @defenderrosetyler @divadinag @emoryhemsworth @fookinghelljensensthighs @idreamofplaid @kalesrebellion @kickingitwithkirk @lovealways-j @maddiepants @magssteenkamp @onethirstyunicorn   @there-must-be-a-lock @tloveswriting Sam Girl For Life: @awesomesusiebstuff @lilsylvia Dean Curious:@adoptdontshoppets @awesomesusiebstuff @deangirl7695 @deans-baby-momma  @mrsjenniferwinchester @stoneyggirl @wayward-gypsy

[dcforts]

[day 12: the one with the dancing + day 16: family]

The bunker is quiet.

Even the giggling from the girls’ room has stopped.

Cas starts the last dishwasher and sighs. They did it.

His back hurts, his feet are heavy and his neck is stiff, and now he thinks that conveniently falling asleep on the couch right before the end of the night was nothing but a strategy on Sam’s part. He should have done the same.

Sure, everyone had volunteered to help, but Dean had been resolute and unwavering. They all had a long journey and they needed the rest, there was no way he’d let them lift a finger in his kitchen.

A Winchester treat package, Christmas edition.

Even when Jody had stayed behind and insisted, Dean hadn’t wanted to hear it.

“Is not cooking, decorating and serving enough?”

“We invited you for the whole deal Jody,” Dean had said, physically blocking her from entering the kitchen. “Go to bed. We got it,” and he’d said it with such convinction that Jody could only shake her head and relent. 

“Fine,” she’d said, shoving a finger in his face, “but I’m never again letting you doing my dishes when you come over.”

Dean had just huffed a laugh and taken the last dirty plate from her hands.

Cas was already in the kitchen at that point, sorting through leftovers and empty bottles.

That was – Cas doesn’t know how long ago. It’s been a while since he’s checked a clock.

But he knows Dean is throwing out the last of the trash and the kitchen is clean and ready to be stained again. So he feels like they did it.

He goes back to the main rooms for a quick check to see if they missed anything, and he ends up stepping on a piece of wrapping paper and tape that starts squeaking at every step. He sighs, walks to the nearest chair and lets himself sink into it.

He peels off the piece of paper, but then he can’t bring himself to get up again.

He’ll just be a minute, he tells himself, just to get his back some respite. He’ll get up when he’ll hear Dean come back.

He props an elbow on the armrest and his head on his hand and wonders if he can hear the dishwasher beep from there.

He had no idea that holidays could be so exhausting.

Barely sleeping in anticipation of all the things that had to be done, working tiredlessly in tidying up and preparing for guests, last minute shopping, wrapping, cooking.

And then, having everyone around all the time, talking and laughing. From the moment the girls from Sioux Falls had invaded the bunker that afternoon, Cas is pretty sure he hasn’t had a single moment alone. Even when he’d gone to the bathroom at one point, Garth had followed him to get him to hold little Cas for a picture.

And that’s not to mention: keeping everyone out of the kitchen, setting up board games, save Claire from choking with laughter watching Donna and Dean singing and air guitaring to their own rock version of Jingle Bell Rock, alchool spilling, gifts opening, “Please don’t read that book out loud, there could be a deadly spell in there”.

And after dinner, directing everyone to their assigned bedroom, keeping them there, taking care of who needed extra blankets, who wanted extra pillows, teethbrushes, slippers, babies crying and drunken giggles.

Complete, utter chaos.

But now sitting there, in the quiet room and with the Christmas tree twinkling a few feet away, Cas thinks: a really good day.

He so wishes he was already tucked under the covers in an horizontal position, though.

A sound startles him from his thoughts. Dean takes the steps to the library in one jump. “Hey, all done?” he asks, and doesn’t sound at all like someone who’s been up since dawn.

“Dishwasher,” Cas says, stifling a yawn.

Dean stands a few feet from him and smiles fondly, “You can go if you want. I can handle it.”

His tone is charming and lively and Cas can’t possibly understand how he has any energy left when he can barely keep his eyes open.

Still, he shakes his head, “You can go if you want. I’ll stay up. You’ve done more than anyone else.”

“Alright, we’ll both stay up then,” settles it Dean, “Are you gonna fall asleep on that chair?”

“Mh,” says Cas who’s actually amazed at how incredibly comfortable his own hand is.

He hears Dean walking around him.

“How much longer for the dishwasher?”

“No idea.”

“Let’s say four minutes, uh?”

What he says doesn’t make any sense to Cas, not until sweet and soulful music starts filling the air around him.

Dean comes back into his space and when Cas blinks his eyes open, there’s a hand in front of him, palm up, in offering.

“Come on.”

“Dean,” he groans, but he’s already accepting it and letting himself be pulled up.

“I’m doing this so that you don’t fall asleep,” Dean says, his voice low, walking backward and dragging him along until they are in a clear space.

“I’ll just fall asleep on your shoulder.”

Dean stops and their chest touch. “I’ll allow it.”

Chestnut roasting on an open fire, sings the record and Cas drops his head on Dean’s shoulder and circles his waist. He closes his eyes and it feels like losing touch with reality a bit – he lets himself fall and fall into the warmth of his body, the smell of food on his clothes, the strong grip of his hand. Dean is solid and perfect and makes him feel lighter and Cas is much more comfortable than he was a second ago.

“We’re supposed to be moving, Cas, you’re just hugging me,” comes Dean’s amused voice from someplace around his ear.

Cas sighs but slowly starts swaying to the rhythm of the record as it sings, Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe, help to make the season bright.

“Do you think they’ll be up early?” Cas asks, mouth pressed against Dean’s sweater.

“Yeah. But we’ll have Sam sort out breakfast.”

“We need to lock the door.”

Dean lets out a laugh and raises a hand to stroke his hair. “Come on, it hasn’t been that bad.”

As he laughs his whole chest vibrates and his muscles shift, and Cas, pressed against him, starts to feel more alive. It’s all Dean, he knows - it’s the life and light he contains. It’s always been like that with him.

“Well, now I’m feeling much better,” he says and he means it.

“Yeah? Wanna go again from the start?”

Cas pulls back a little to look at him. This close, he can see clearly the bags under his eyes, but also the way they still sparkle, “Are you actually serious? You’d do that?”

Dean shrugs and leans in for a quick kiss before saying, “Sure.”

“Aren’t you tired?”

“Yeah, but - more happy than tired.”

“And you’d do it - all over again? Even the part when I dropped the tray with the starters?”

“Yep.”

“Even when Charlie spilled sauce on Bobby, when Garth told that superlong story about his kids? Even when we caught Sam and Eileen making out in the bathroom and then there was that big fight over charades?”

“A thousand times,” he says, and he buries his face into Cas’ hair, “if it means I get to be with the whole family and you, at the end of it all.”

“Well, you’re very sweet, really. But I’d rather we just disappear until New Year’s.”

Dean laughs again, “I’m not the one who promised Claire a foosball rematch.”

Cas lets out a pained sigh and shifts to press his lips against Dean’s neck , “I’d forgotten about that. Why did you let me do it?”

“Cause you love it.”

They fall quiet as the record takes a breath and starts singing again, And so I’m offering a simple phrase, to kids from one to ninety-two.

Cas starts kissing a trail up the side of Dean’s neck.

“Mh,” says Dean swallowing, his voice suddenly raspy, “alright, we’re locking the door.”

Although it’s been said many times, many ways, Merry Christmas to you, sings the record.

They let it sing.

The dishwasher beeps. They don’t hear it.

joining @bend-me-shape-me in doing this!

The Christmas Song sang by Nat King Cole

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

I would love for you to talk more indepth about the montage. To me it feels so off and weird. Almost like a parody? So many scenes in it are "funny" moments that just don't make sense in the context of an emotional overview of the road so far... (Like all the scenes where Dean is eating, Donna with donut dust on her face, Sam getting hit during the game show.) I don't know. Isn't the montage supposed to make me nostalgic, teary-eyed? This one definitely doesn't do it for me!

Here I am! Yes, I absolutely agree. The montage is Weird(TM). It’s kind of a tone rollercoaster. It’s very full of funny/silly moments, with some serious moments smacked in. And it definitely looks like... there’s something about it.

For an easier consultation I will reference the gifs I have made of the montage sequence here.

[Gif 1] It starts pretty much like I’d expect a Supernatural goodbye montage to start. The two brothers meeting for the first time in the pilot, a reminder of their childhood with John, their banter still from the pilot, a couple moments of them driving in the car in the first seasons, Dean saving Lucas in 1x03 which is the first Dean-heavy episode and also an extremely symbolic moment for Dean’s entire journey - just think at how Lucas as a mirror was still relevent during the “drowning” Michael possession arc. Everything feels normal so far. We’re starting from the beginning! Now--

[Gif 2] Interesting and weird choices start here. Them pretending to be high school teachers from After School Special 4x13 - actually a very iconic moment for the fandom, remember that post of Dean in shorts from that episode that you had to reblog when it came on your dash? (Actually I’m not sure if I ever reblogged it lol.) Dean celebrating getting young again from The Curious Case of Dean Winchester 5x07 (and Jensen showing off his agility). The two of them showing their FBI badges to Jesse Turner’s biological mother in 5x06. Dean mowing the lawn of Mary’s house in the Djinn dream and immediately after Jess and Sam kissing also in the Djinn dream, from What Is And What Should Never Be 2x20. Then Dean after killing the witch when he was under the memory loss spell, in Regarding Dean 12x11. Sam happy when they celebrate Christmas in A Very Supernatural Christmas 3x08. Them being “lucky” under the effect of the rabbit’s foot in Bad Day At Black Rock 3x03. Sam also happy in Baby 11x04.

Again the present, then the montage starts again with the water-related ghost from Red Sky At Morning 3x06, a Bela episode, and then Bela herself from her first episode, 3x03 again.

What do these moments have in common? Not all of them, but for many of them I’d say reality being manipulated. The Djinn dream, the rabbit foot, Dean’s aging, the Antichrist... and it’s not over yet. Also, them pretending to be teachers, agents etc - not “real”.

[Gif 3] The tone suddenly gets more serious and relevant to current events: Chuck in The Monster at the End of This Book 4x18 (eh). Death in Two Minutes to Midnight 5x21 (the first appearance of Death, while now we’ve had Billie’s last and a very short-lived new one), and then two major moments from Lazarus Rising - Dean emerging from the grave and finding the handprint on his shoulder. Crowley’s first episode, Abandon All Hope 5x10. Zachariah’s death in Point Of No Return 5x18. Anna from The Song Remains The Same 5x13, where she is the antagonist having been brainwashed successfully by heaven. Michael burning and Sam jumping in the cage with Michael in 5x22, then another moment from 4x01 (the brothers hugging after reuniting). A moment from The French Mistake 6x15 (reality fuckery again!). Sam in Frontierland 6x18.

[Gif 4] Reality fuckery continues with Becky marrying Sam in 7x08. Funnily enough, this is the peak of Becky’s obsessive behavior which she went to therapy for and grew away of - it definitely emphasizes how far Becky has come. Donna’s first appeance in 9x13. That iconic shot of Dean in Bloodlust 2x03 because he’s pretty. Charlie’s first appearance in 7x20 while she dances to Walking On Sunshine (relevant?), Kevin’s first appearance in 7x21 when he becomes a prophet (lots of firsts). Abaddon’s first appearance in As Time Goes By 8x12. Then there’s the first appearance of the bunker, in the next episode, a couple shots in fact. Then more 4x01, Ruby pretending to mistake Dean for the pizza man (eh). Then more present...

This section seems to be mostly “first appearances” - including Ruby’s s4 meatsuit, i.e. Genevieve’s first appearance.

[Gif 5] We suddenly jump to more recent events with Kelly and Jack in heaven in Byzanthium 4x08. Jack’s iconic hello from 4x16 Don’t Go In The Woods. Dean teaching Jack how to drive in 14x07 Unhuman Nature. But then we suddenly go from Jack things to something completely different on the surface: two consecutive moments from Changing Channels 5x08, including the iconic Nutcracker scene, and Sully from Just My Imagination. We are actually back to the previous theme: reality fuckery. Gabriel’s episode was about placing them in “television shows”, Sully, while real, is literally a child’s “imaginary friend”. And then... a moment from the cartoon part of Scoobynatural! It doesn’t get more reality fuckery than that. Oh, wait! Charlie and Dorothy going to Oz in 9x04. That’s a pretty strong contender. Dean being hit in the face by a fairy in 6x09 - also about a realm Dean briefly went to. And, in case we felt like we hadn’t gotten enough 4x01 yet, Pamela’s first appearance (her last, albeit a hallucination, was about the whole “How come you only want what you can't have?” thing).

[Gif 6] We continue again with a mixture of firsts and weird things. Ellen’s first appearance in 2x02, Dean and Cas in 4x18 (we saw Chuck from that episode earlier), Jody’s first appearance in 5x15 Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid. Rufus in 6x04 Weekend At Bobby’s (not his first but a good episode...), Garth in 9x12 Sharp Teeth (not his first but the first in which he is a werewolf and is married... relevant to recent lamp events??), Missouri in 1x09 (her first appearance).

Then Gabriel from 13x21 Beat The Devil (an episode where he plays a trick on Lucifer) and Rowena from the same scene (in fact a scene where they’re flirting).  Then Eileen coming back to life in 15x06 and smiling at Sam. Jo flirting with Dean in 2x02 - her first appearance, again. Funnily enough, she had been introduced as a love interest, but ended up being repurposed as a sisterly figure. Tempted to say it’s relevant in an ironic way. Mary in 14x11 Damaged Goods, when Dean has a goodbye mother-son moment with her. Amara in 11x09 Oh Brother Where Art Thou when she was looking for her brother. Then Lucifer in two different vessels (12x07 Rock Never Dies and 12x21, when Lucifer regains control over the vessel).

Then Metatron doing the find a wife make babies speech to Cas in 8x23! Relevant??? Dun dun dun. Then Ketch for some reason (the first episode where we see his face, 12x08 LOTUS).

[Gif 7] Then Jo/Anael in 13x13, another first appearance. (I cropped these horribly I should have cut them when the present happens lol.)

Sandwiched between two shots from the present, Dean Sam Mary and John having dinner together in 14x13 Lebanon.

Then we start again with Dean riding Larry in 12x11, Dean and Cas dressed as cowboys in 13x06 (mini pattern here...), Asmodeus with the archangel blade in 13x13 (insert meta about Asmodeus in Christian lore here), and the really intriguing “Intermission” shot from the play in 10x05.

[Gif 8] To continue a certain pattern we might be tempted to see, Dean eating piecake from 14x06 Optimism (an episode about a distorted version of romantic love), then Dean eating noodles from 10x13 Halt & Catch Fire (the ghost is a husband that passes on thanks to his wife). Dean after his dentistry session with Garth in 15x10. Meg from 6x10 Caged Heat (the episode with the pizza man porn). Dean and Sam investigating in 4x12 Criss Angel Is a Douchebag (an episode about growing old poorly). Crowley in 10x16 Paint It Black (that episode). Dean playing that game in 14x17 Game Night (the episode Cas calls for God, and when Mary dies - the one playing the game was God...). Sam and Dean getting out of the car in 13x05 when they visit the traumatized kid (peak mourning Dean episode...). Then we go into reality fuckery territory again with 14x15 Peace of Mind, Sam under the psychic’s control and Cas disgruntled about it.

[Gif 9] Mick Davies from 12x16 Ladies Drink Free, when he learnt a lesson about monsters. Dean geeking out about the Hatchet Man - so heavy with mirror significances - in 14x04 Mint Condition. Belphegor - Jack’s dark mirror - in 15x03 The Rupture, the break-up episode. Donna’s first episode again, this time Dean and she eating donuts. Dean, Sam and Mary hugging in 12x22 after the confrontation in Mary’s head. Kaia in 13x09 The Bad Place, when Jack uses her to find the way to where Mary is (Mary pattern?). Claire&co rescuing Jody and Donna in 13x10 Wayward Sisters. Dean in 1944 dresses as a sailor in 11x14 The Vessel. Baby nyooming in 15x11 The Gamblers...

Aaand more Changing Channels, the genital herpes ad. It’s almost like reality fuckery is a theme. Followed by Sam drinking the anti-cold concoction at Garth’s in 15x10 and the two of them outside the monster fighting pit in the same episode. Then Cas, Dean, Sam and Jack on a video call with Ketch in 14x09 The Spear when they talk about the egg to trap Michael.

[Gif 10] We stay in the same episode with the four of them heading to Michael. Then the four of them celebrating Jack’s return to life (after Cas’ deal with the Empty). More present, and then the iconic “we’ve got work to do” [trunk closes] moment from the pilot.

So: some of these moments seem like genuine moments you’ll want to put in a montage, but there’s a weird predominance of characters smiling and looking happy or goofy. It’s kind of... not exactly representative of the show as a whole, you know? There are moments that fit as, you know, iconic steps in the story, but surprisingly few, and many moments you’d expect to be in a “final” montage are blatantly not there. Several moments with, let’s put it like this, suspicious meta connotations. Moments that, well, we don’t know what happens in the finale yet, but smell like they might be relevant to future developments. (Metatron’s speech to newly human Cas anyone?)

What really strikes me is the amount of moments connected to reality being manipulated or distorted in some way. Lots of Changing Channels, fantasy elements of various kinds (the Djinn dream, Scoobynatural, Oz, the imaginary friend Becky’s wedding to Sam, the fairy, ...), them acquiring luck (s3) or losing it (s15), and so on. It’s almost like the sequence is telling us something...

Thoughts?

[hotshotsxyz]

Stay Awhile

Happy holidays to @not-the-same-url-i-used-to-be, for the @destielsecretsanta2020 gift exchange! I hope you like this mess of pure found family fluff!

(Read it on AO3)

Family dinners are kind of a big deal. It's hard to get everyone together these days, so when every single one of them RSVP's yes, it's huge. And they're running late.

"Dammit," Dean says, glancing at the traffic map Cas has pulled up on his phone. They're on I-80 just outside of Cheyenne, stuck in stop-and-go traffic that doesn't seem like it'll be letting up any time soon. They're coming from San Francisco, or thereabouts, and on their third day of driving.

Once upon a time, Dean would've just pushed through, making the 22-hour drive on 3 hours of sleep, coffee and a little bit of hope. These days, though, he and Cas like to take it slow, to stop and smell the roses as it were.

That's what they do now. Two years down the line, and they don't hunt unless some other hunter desperately needs their help. Instead, for the first time in Dean's life, they've been travelling just for the hell of it. Most recently they'd been in wine country, because Cas was curious and Dean had forgotten how to say no a long time ago. They have at least 16 different bottles in the trunk, all of which they're planning on sharing, if they ever make it to Lebanon.

"Sam's gonna kill us," Dean groans.

Cas pats him on the thigh. "He'll kill you," he replies. "I said we should've left Saturday, but you wanted to stick around for the county fair."

"It was twelve bucks and they had a pie eating competition!"

"Yes, dear," Cas says, fake exasperation lacing his tone.

"Fuck you," Dean replies, but he can't stop the laugh that bubbles out from his chest.

Cas shakes his head with a smile. "There's an exit coming up in half a mile, let's see if we can't find a better way home."

Dean grins. "Anything you say, sweetheart."

All said and done, they're only forty-five minutes late. Sam's still going to bitch, but frankly Dean considers it a miracle of navigation and ever-so-slightly reckless driving.

"Grab the wine and I'll get our bags out of the trunk," Dean says.

The sounds of laughter and plates clinking floats out as soon as they open the door to the bunker, and Dean can feel a grin settling on his face already as he pauses to take it all in. He loves this, more than just about anything he's ever had. Cas nudges his shoulder and nods towards the open door.

"Don't you think we've kept them waiting long enough already?"

"Yeah," Dean says, and they head in.

"It's about time!" Sam calls when he spot's them. He stands and strides over to them.

Dean drops his and Cas's bags in preparation for the bear hug he knows he's going to get. Ever since he and Cas started heading out on their own, Sam acts like he hasn’t seen them in years.

"Yeah, yeah," Dean says, accepting the embrace and clapping Sam on the back. "You should've seen the traffic."

"We all know it wasn't traffic that kept you in California an extra day," Sam teases.

Dean shoots a look at Cas. Traitor, he thinks. Cas's grin widens, and for a moment it's almost like he can hear Dean's thoughts again. But no, Cas just knows him that well.

"Alright," Jodie says, stepping up behind Sam, "give the rest of us a turn."

Dean and Cas pass out hugs like party favors, making sure to spend a moment with everyone in the room. Cas lingers for a few minutes with Jack, and while he does Dean steps into the kitchen to make them both a plate of food.

It's been too damn long.

After a few minutes, Cas joins him in the kitchen and presses a short kiss against the shell of his ear.

"It's good to see everyone," Cas murmurs, wrapping his arms around Dean's waist.

Dean turns in the embrace and deposits a lingering kiss against Cas's lips. "It is," he agrees.

There's something that Dean has been turning over in his head for a few weeks, and he figures now is as good a time as any to finally spit it out. "What if we stayed put for a while?" He searches Cas's face for any sign of distress, but the soft smile he's been wearing all night remains.

"Here in the bunker?" Cas asks, tilting his head in that oh so familiar way.

"We could," Dean says.

"But?"

"But…" And this is the part he's nervous about. There's a lot they've hashed out over the years, and Dean knows that Cas wants to be with him. He knows that he's happy as a human, knows that they're happy together. But there's something different about asking him for this. "I was thinking we could get a house. Something that's just ours. Still nearby, so we could be close to everybody. What do you think?" Dean bites his lip.

Cas's smile expands into a broad grin. "I would like nothing more than to 'settle down' with you, Dean Winchester."

"Awesome," Dean sighs and kisses Cas again.

They rejoin the party after that and are pulled quickly in opposite directions. Donna tells Dean about her (very, very hot) new boyfriend while Cas is regaled with Claire and Kaia's latest hunting adventure. He finds Charlie and Stevie talking to Patience about her college classes (and finds out that she's doing psychic consulting out of her dorm room). Garth and Alex are discussing the challenges of treating monsters and hunters in underground clinics. Bobby is talking to Jack about metaphysics (and damn, when did Bobby have time to do so much reading on the subject?), and Sam and Eileen are bent over some witch-y looking book with Rowena.

His family, Dean thinks. The hunters, the werewolves, the Queen of Hell, God himself, a couple college kids, and an ex-angel. It doesn't get much better than this.

The party goes late into the night, and when it's over everyone crashes at the bunker. These days, it functions as a stopover for hunters from all around the country. Sam and Eileen are slowly expanding their reach, giving hunters everywhere access to the enormous cache of knowledge contained within the bunker's walls. It feels so full of life, like it was always meant to be. They all sleep easy.  

Dean wakes up smiling. It's not like this everyday, but it's happening more all the time. Something about sleeping in Cas's arms, waking up in them, it keeps the nightmares at bay. Most of them, anyway.

Dean brushes a lock of hair away from Cas's face. It's gotten longer recently and it's nice. He places a soft kiss on Cas's brow.

"I'm gonna make breakfast," he says softly. "Want to help?"

Cas groans and presses his face into Dean's shoulder. "Too early," he mumbles.

Dean chuckles. "Alright, sweetheart," he says. He rolls onto his back, carefully dislodging Cas, then gets up.

Without opening his eyes, Cas whines and makes grabby hands at Dean. Dean catches one of Cas's hands in his own. "I'll make coffee," he promises, then presses a kiss into Cas's knuckles.

"Promise?" Cas says.

"Anything for you, sunshine," Dean replies.

To his surprise, Dean isn't alone when he walks into the kitchen. Claire sits at the table, eyes closed and a steaming mug held in both hands.

"Hey kid," Dean says, clearing his throat.

Claire hums in acknowledgement, takes a sip of her coffee, then opens her eyes. "You two look happy," she says, apropos of nothing.

"I- uh, yeah. We are," Dean replies.

"M'glad," Claire says. "You both deserve it."

"We're thinking about getting a house," Dean confides in her. "Haven't even told Sam yet."

She smiles at that. "I'm happy for you," she says.

"You know, if you ever wanted to get out of the life-"

"Nah, me and Kaia have everything we need. I wouldn't say no to an invitation to visit, though."

Dean grins. "You'll be first on our list."

They fall into comfortable silence for several minutes, as Dean pulls out enough ingredients to feed an army. Hunters are a hungry bunch, after all.

"Claire?" Dean says as he cracks eggs into a bowl.

"Yeah?"

"You seem happy, too."

There's a long pause. Finally, she says, "I am." Dean turns to see her smiling into her coffee

Just then, Sam and Eileen walk into the kitchen, followed quickly by Garth and Bess. Before long most of the bunker has arrived, and Dean gets back to cooking the feast. Behind him, someone else fires up the toaster, and soon he's handing off plate after plate of bacon, eggs and toast.

Finally, once nearly everyone has food, Cas walks in looking just as rumpled as he always does in the morning. Dean meets him with a mug of coffee and a sweet kiss. "Morning, sunshine," he murmurs against his lips.

"Good morning, Dean," Cas replies, voice still rough with sleep.

And yeah, Dean thinks, he could get used to this.

[queen-rowenas]

highway to heaven (wc - 785)

Dean had always wondered what his Heaven would look like. After he saw what it was like, a simulation of your favorite memories.

In the beginning, he wondered if it would be his childhood home, with his mom and dad and brother all together, the shadows of demon deals and smoke long gone and forgotten.

Then, he imagined it being the Impala, driving down an endless road, for once not dreading where it led, his brother in the passenger seat. Over time, he started imagining an angel in there too.

Maybe it would be the bunker, somewhere safe, Dean’s first real home in a long time. The people he loved just down the hallway.

He wondered if his subconscious would shape it. If Heaven would take the form of the bar—his bar—that Michael had used to lull him into contentment, where he only had to worry about keeping the counter clean and the drinks coming. Sam and Cas visiting regularly. Maybe staying.

Or maybe it would just be a lake on a cool fall day, a fishing rod in his hand, his green cooler and a speaker playing Led Zeppelin at his side.

But no matter how much Dean imagined it, he also dreaded it.

An eternity alone.

Maybe once he was there, he wouldn’t care, satisfied with the memories of the people he loved. But looking at it from the outside, he couldn’t bear the thought of even a happy isolation.

Now that he was here though, he smiled.

With Jack’s changes, Heaven was open. He could see his friends, his family. And not just false memories. They were real. Everyone he had lost, he was able to find again.

He tapped his thumb on the wheel as he drove, humming to his Led Zeppelin tape, the wind ruffling his hair. One hand on the wheel, the other occupied.

He looked over and couldn’t fight the grin growing on his face, didn’t want to fight it. Castiel sat in the passenger seat, looking out the window, one hand clasped with Dean’s in his lap. His thumb traced idle patterns on the back of Dean’s hand.

Dean gave the angel’s hand a squeeze and felt the air escape his lungs when those blue eyes turned to him. The easy upturn of those lips as the eyes crinkled.

It wasn’t fair, really. That Dean had spent so long watching, wanting, and thinking he could never have it. And Cas had done the same.

The one thing I want...

They were just stuck in each other’s orbit, always close, always coming back, but never touching.

Dean squeezed Cas’s hand harder, as though trying to commit the feeling to memory. As if he could forget. As if they couldn’t spend forever not just remembering, but knowing.

“Dean.” Cas’s voice, endlessly fond, broke him out of his reverie. “I know I can’t say anything about staring, but you might want to watch the rode.”

“Come on. We’re in Heaven. What’s the worst that could happen?”

Normally Dean would never dare say something like that, test fate like that. But he had tested Fate before, and Castiel had protected him. He always had.

“Yes, but I don’t think it would be wise to test Jack’s design.”

Dean looked out the window at what his kid had made before turning back to Cas, the smirk on his face barely softening. “As if you would let anything happen to me here.”

Cas’s hold on his hand tightened, and he smiled. “Never.”

Dean remembered sitting with Bobby when he first arrived. The way his heart had lept in his chest at the mention of his angel. The way Bobby had called this place perfect.

It’s almost perfect.

“Good, because I don’t think Ellen would forgive us if we missed another hunter gathering at the bar.”

“No, she didn’t seem to believe us when we said we got distracted last time,” Cas said, a slight glint in his eye.

Dean chuckled. He couldn’t wait to roll up to Harvelle’s, join Ellen behind the bar, gossip with Charlie, sneak Bobby a few extra drinks, tease Sam when he and Eileen arrive. Garth and Bess would bring a feast for their pack of hunters. Mom and Dad had promised the Winchester Surprise.

The whole bar would be packed with hunters. Even though it was Heaven, they would always manage to be one chair short, giving Dean a perfectly good reason to perch on Cas’s chair—well, more his leg than the actual chair—and they would all share one big family dinner.

Dean brought their joined hands up to his lips, pressing a kiss to Cas’s hand.

Now this was Heaven. Now this was perfect.

[hintsofhoney]

The Next Ten Years

Pairing(s): Dean Winchester x Castiel

Summary: What really happened after 15.19.

Tags: 16+, fluffy fluff fluff, it would have been so easy to just give us this

Word Count: 1.7k

A/N: This is how I cope.

You can also read me on Ao3!

DESTIEL MASTERLIST | SUPERNATURAL MASTERLIST | MAIN MASTERLIST

Five years have passed since they took on God and brought Castiel back from the empty. Five years where everything has changed, but at the same time, not much has changed at all. The bunker remains Sam and Dean’s first ever home, but they have new homes now. Homes where they can leave their old life full of monsters and nightmares behind. Homes where they can raise kids, where they can have a family. A new group of hunters resides in the bunker now; Claire leads the pack. Dean and Sam still visit occasionally; but they haven’t been on a hunt in years. They know it’s always there, if they ever wanted to scratch the itch, but, as of now, the itch hasn’t surfaced. Dean’s not sure if it ever will again. He’s finally at peace. He’s happy. He’s a mechanic now, he owns his own shop. And Sam, Sam decided to go back to law school and ended up hating it – the lawyering part, at least. He enjoyed teaching much more, so that’s what he does. The same people in their life remain, except the relationships are a little fuller now. 

It’s the Fourth of July, and Dean watches his brother as he lights the fireworks and runs from them, a big smile on his face; the same smile that he had on his face that Fourth of July all those years ago, where he danced in the sparks that surrounded him. Except, this time, it wasn’t just the two of them watching the sparks fly. Sam was running away from the lit fireworks, straight towards Eileen, who was watching him in admiration as her hands rested on her big belly; she was due any day now. Sam put his arm around Eileen’s shoulder and she rested her head on his chest as they watched the first firework go off. It was white, and one of those that frizzled out at the end. Dean looked from the firework to his left, Castiel standing beside him, who was watching the sky in awe. It was his fifth year watching fireworks with them; his expression was always the same. Dean wrapped his arm around Cas’s waist and planted a quick kiss on his cheek before the second firework went off.

Six years have passed since they took on God and brought Castiel back from the empty. It’s Halloween night, Dean’s favorite. He looks at Cas, and then at himself in the mirror and smiles. They both look like they’ve stepped out of the movie “Tombstone”. Cas smiles as he remembers the last time he had worn a cowboy hat, on that case all those years ago. A few days after Dean had made him watch the movie; another memory which he holds dear to his heart. Dean fixes Cas’s bolo tie and steals a quick kiss, causing Cas’s heart to flutter. He was human now, something that had to happen to get him out of the empty; he felt emotions even deeper now than he did when he was an angel. Cas and Dean walk out into their living room, Sam and Eileen and baby Charlie waiting for them. Charlie is a little over a year now, and she adores her uncle Dean. Her face lights up when she sees him, and she reaches out to him, Sam chuckling as he hands his daughter over to his brother. Charlie’s dressed as a cowgirl, at Dean’s request, and he happily nestles her on his hip as Cas puts a leash on Miracle and the six of them head out to trick-or-treat around the neighborhood. For Charlie, of course.

Seven years have passed since they took on God and brought Castiel back from the empty. They meet at Jody’s for Thanksgiving dinner, as they have for the past seven years. Everyone is there. Jody, Donna, Claire, Alex, Patience, Kaia, and even Jack clears his busy schedule to come have a plate of molecules. Donna and Jody spoil Charlie to no end. She’s a little over two years old now, and Eileen warns that she is getting into everything now that she can not only walk, but run. She can do no wrong in Jody and Donna’s eyes, though. She could break all of Jody’s plates and it’d be Jody’s fault for owning glass. Alex is a full-time nurse, and she’s loving it. Patience and Kaia are in college, but they help Claire out with hunts when they can. Jody and Donna stick to their everyday lives as sheriffs, but they still slice a few vamp heads when they need to. Jack is same old Jack; even as God, even with Amara inside him, he’s just as innocent as ever. It’s in small ways like these, that nothing has changed. Sam and Eileen are sitting across the table from Dean and Cas, and as Sam passes the mashed potatoes to his brother, they share a look. They share these looks on occasion nowadays, when they’re in their happiest moments. Looks that translate to, “we did it”.

Eight years have passed since they took on God and brought Castiel back from the empty. It’s Christmas Eve, and Dean and Cas are sitting by the fire and exchanging gifts; a tradition they started ever since Charlie was born, and they started to meet at Sam’s house on Christmas morning. Dean opens his gift; a cookbook of pies, novelty socks that have hotdogs all over them, and a small replica of Baby, who, by the way, is still running somehow. Dean laughs at Cas’s literal-ness. He’d always been this way when it came to giving gifts. Dean loved it.

“Look in the Impala,” Cas states, a soft smile spreading across his face. Dean looks at him, confused.

“In the real Impala or in this one?” Dean asks, pointing to the replica. Cas nods to the replica, and Dean picks it up, opening the tiny door and looking inside. A silver ring rested on the small, replicated seats. Dean looks up to Cas, shock written all over his face.

“I have loved you for a very long time, Dean. The thought of getting to grow old with you makes me so happy. I’m not sure if I’m doing this whole proposal thing right, but –”

Dean shuts him up with a kiss, before reaching into his back pocket and pulling out a little black box. “Your way was certainly more creative than mine,” he chuckles, as he resituates himself so he’s on one knee, holding the now open box out in front of him, which contained a ring. “I love you, too, Cas. But you already know that. So, um, will you marry me?”

Cas just cups Dean’s face in his hands and smiles, before kissing him passionately. The one thing he wanted that he thought he would never get, wants to spend the rest of his life with him, too. Miracle barks at the commotion going on in front of the fireplace; he’s an old dog now, but he wanders over to see what’s happening anyways. He gets excited when he sees Cas and Dean on the floor. He jumps on Dean’s back, and Dean laughs as he pulls away from his make-out session with Cas and sits up, cupping the dog’s face as he exclaims, “Miracle, your dads are getting married, buddy!”

Nine years have passed since they took on God and brought Castiel back from the empty. Castiel watches Charlie, who has just turned four, throw flower petals as she walks down the aisle. He beams at her and looks over to Jack, who stands beside him and gives him an awkward pat on his shoulder. That’s right. God himself is the best man at gay weddings these days. Dean comes walking down the aisle then, Jody at his side. Cas tries to hold back his tears, but he can’t. Dean makes it to the front, and Jody gives him a hug and a quick kiss on the cheek before she takes a seat next to Eileen, who was pregnant again – twins this time. Dean looked to Cas, his emotions getting the best of him as tears welled up in his eyes. Sam began reading from his script; he’d gotten ordained online just for this. After a lot of tearful vow-sharing and crying from the audience, that magic kiss was shared. Although, Dean and Cas had made their bond profound years ago.

Ten years have passed since they took on God and brought Castiel back from the empty. Dean is cradling two babies in his arms as he sits on the couch, looking from one to the other in awe as they slept. The boy, his own namesake, and another girl, Maura, after Eileen’s mother.

“Uncle Dean, do you still love me the most?” Charlie whispers, as she crawls onto the couch next to her uncle. She’s five now, and full of sass. Much like her namesake was. Dean chuckles at her question.

“Well, I’m supposed to say that I love all of you equally, aren’t I?” Dean asks with a wink. Charlie nods.

��That’s what daddy says. But you and my brother have the same name. That means you’re going to like him more,” she sighs sadly. Dean looks at baby Dean and smiles, then he looks to his first niece.

“You know, your dad and his grandpa had the same name, and his grandpa turned out to be an ass, so, I wouldn’t be too sure about that idea,” Dean chuckles. Charlie looks at him, wide-eyed.

“You said a bad word.”

“Oh dammit – dang it. Dang it, I did, didn’t I? I won’t tell if you don’t,” Dean winks, as Charlie giggles and leans her head against his arm. “Don’t you ever worry about me not loving you, kiddo. If you ever want some time with your uncle Dean, you just ask and I’ll make time.”

Charlie nods, a smile spreading across her face that told Dean she was happy with that answer.

“You four ready for dinner?” Eileen asks, as she walks into the living room.

For the last ten years, they’ve had bi-weekly dinners. They alternate houses; sometimes it’s at Dean and Cas’s place, sometimes at Sam and Eileen’s. It was something so simple, but it was truly what brought Dean the most joy. Time with his family, with his husband, with his life. He looks at his baby brother as he sits down across from him at the table, sharing with him another one of those “we did it” looks. Neither one of them could have ever imagined this for their lives; it wasn’t the ending that was originally written for them, but…

they write their own story now.

[lost-andfound]

CARRY ON (How Supernatural Should Have Ended)

AO3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28041390 

INT. VAMP NEST BARN. NIGHT.

A VAMPIRE has just impaled DEAN on a nail. It is suggested that he is about to die. There are two flickering light bulbs hanging from the ceiling. The barn looks uncannily similar to the barn in which Dean and CASTIEL first met.

Dean chokes, blood pooling from his mouth. His eyes are glassy and fighting to stay open. SAM’s eyes are filled with tears--he can’t believe it.

DEAN (coughing, trying to speak through the pain) I thought— dammit, man, I thought this was our chance. A chance at a real life.

SAM (truly, genuinely, painfully) I’m sorry.

Sam’s hand hovers around the wound, as if trying to cure it. Dean shakes his head. He doesn’t want to die, but he’s past the point of no return.

DEAN (gently) Sammy— everything we’ve been through, everything we’ve lost— I’m glad it was with you.

SAM (starting to panic) No, Dean, no—

DEAN (breathing slower, but doing his best to look his brother in the eyes) I didn’t wanna die. I didn’t. Promise me you know that.

Sam nods. He can’t speak. He wishes— he prays— but no one comes. Dean’s head goes slack in Sam’s hand. His eyes are empty. He’s dead. The camera PANS slowly to Sam’s stunned face.

SAM Dean. (He waits for an answer, but none comes.) Dean, please.

Behind, there is a flutter of wings. The light bulbs blow out, glass shattering on the ground. Sam freezes, hoping against all odds—

CASTIEL (firmly, as if with all the power of Heaven on his side) No one dies today.

Without further ado, he grasps Dean’s body and pulls him off the nail. Sam winces at the sound, but Castiel does not flinch. He grips Dean by the shoulder and puts his hand over the wound. An unearthly blue light— the light of angelic Grace— flows from his hands, shines from his eyes. It is not the healing we’ve seen before— this power seems to come from the deepest part of Cas himself.

A beat. Sam stares, tense, hoping. Cas steps back, and Dean gasps.

SAM (with deep relief) Thank God.

DEAN (exhausted, yet still wise-cracking) That asshole ain’t to thank for this one, Sammy.

He sways, and Sam rushes to hold him up. Dean looks at Cas, who is, as usual, unreadable.

CAS Hello, Dean.

DEAN (softer) Cas. Jesus, you’re— you’re here.

CAS (with a slight smile, hardly believing it himself) Jack. He came for me.

Dean’s smile falters. He glances at Sam— they both feel guilty for leaving Cas behind. Castiel catches this look, and is about to speak, but winces. A curl of blue Grace floats from his mouth, winding into the air and vanishing like smoke.

SAM (concerned) Cas— are you okay?

Cas stumbles, falling to brace himself on the wall. Both Sam and Dean reach out to grab his arms on either side.

CAS (looking between them, suddenly weak) I think— I think I’m falling again.

BLACKOUT.

END OF ACT TWO

ACT THREE

INT. BUNKER - KITCHEN - MORNING

With a WIDE SHOT, we see that Dean is making eggs this time, with less spirit than the last morning. He slices peppers and onions with precision, but we can tell that he is worried, his brow furrowing as he sprinkles them in the pan.

Sam sits at the table, flipping through a huge, ancient tome. A stack of books rests next to him, waiting to be studied. Cas is not at the table, a noted absence.

Dean flips the omelet off the pan and onto a plate, setting it in front of Sam, who barely looks up.

DEAN (demanding) So?

SAM (looking up apologetically) I don’t know. I think it’s something to do with The Empty— sapping his grace, somehow. Saving you probably took a lot of mojo.

DEAN (muttering sarcastically, as usual) Great.

INT. CASTIEL’S ROOM

Castiel sleeps, his face serene. Morning light spills in through the window, the drapes gently fluttering. It’s a beautiful scene, almost like a painting. The song “THANK YOU” by Led Zeppelin begins to PLAY. PAN TO Dean in the doorway, awkwardly holding a plate of eggs and mug of black coffee. Dean’s face is softer than we’ve seen it in a long time. He hesitates, not wanting to disturb his friend.

CAS (sleepily) Dean?

The music fades, but remains in the background of the scene.

DEAN (gruffly) Mornin’, sunshine.

Dean moves to sit on the bed, a respectful distance away from Castiel. He sets the plate and mug on the bedside table. Castiel shifts into a sitting position. Dean looks at Cas, and we think he is about to speak— he thinks he is about to speak— but he remains silent. Cas merely looks back at him, at the face he thought he’d never see again. The awkwardness is mostly on Dean’s side, which is not a surprise. Castiel seems content to merely look.

DEAN (eventually) So, are you… human now? For real this time?

CAS (eyes flickering briefly) Yes. I believe so.

DEAN (gearing himself up to be angry, to find a solution) Okay. Well— we’ll fix it. Find some spare grace, find a spell to restore your grace, whatever. We always do.

CAS (sighing) Dean—

DEAN (a little heat to his voice) Dammit, Cas, let us help you. You saved my skin at the cost of your own for the hundredth time and— and I won’t let you do that. Not again. No one dies this time, remember?

CAS Dean, you’re not gonna find anything. Not this time. And I’m— (he pauses, smiling slightly. He looks calm, at peace.) I’m happy. And I can say that now, without fear. I can feel. That’s all I’ve wanted, for so long.

There is a pause. Dean swipes a hand over his face and shifts closer on the bed. There is so much left unsaid, between these two, and it hangs heavy in the air.

Dean (voice ragged) Cas. What you said. Before the Empty took you.

CAS (steadily, without hesitation) I meant it.

DEAN I’ve wanted to say it back. For so long, Cas. But I— I didn’t think— I mean, you were an angel, and there was Lisa, then Purgatory, and the Mark, and Chuck, and everything against us— it was never right, and I never thought you felt— (he breaks off, swallowing.) I never thought you could. Love me, I mean.

Cas says nothing, but laces his fingers with Dean’s. Dean looks down, stunned, then back up at Castiel’s face.

CAS But I do. Against all odds, I do.

Dean kisses him. “Thank You” by Led Zeppelin resumes. Cas pulls him in, closer. It is a beautiful, tender kiss, a movie kiss. After a moment, they break apart, still holding hands.

DEAN (slightly embarrassed, yet as unguarded as we’ve ever seen him) I love you too, Cas. I always have— you’re family.

CAS (softly, as if this moment is one he could break) So what now?

DEAN (his voice opening, finally, into hope) The rest of our lives, man. Everything that comes after.

PAN OUT, as they move into a tight, intimate hug. They’re family. The camera moves from them to the window. The curtains. The soft light outside.

INT. BUNKER - KITCHEN

Sam sits at the table, hands in his hair, still poring over the books. His plate is empty— Dean is a good cook. He is unaware of the conversation his brothers are having inside Castiel’s room. There is a CRASH. Sam sits instantly alert— there are those killer instincts. He grabs a gun and creeps slowly towards the entrance, where he finds… EILEEN. She stands at the entrance, confused, looking around. Sam keeps the gun trained on her, grief and rage and confusion flitting across his face.

EILEEN Sam?

SAM (speaking with certainty) You’re not her. You can’t be her. No one ever really comes back, no one that I— that I—

EILEEN Sam, it’s me. I promise.

She pulls out a silver knife, slashes it on her arm. She lets Sam pour some holy water on her hand. She goes through every test, staring at Sam’s face, willing him to believe her.

SAM (disbelieving) Holy crap. It’s you. It’s really you.

EILEEN (smiling) Duh.

Sam sweeps her into his arms, as if he’ll never let her go. She holds onto him just as tightly. In the same moment, they both realize how lucky they are to be here, together.

“CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SON” begins to PLAY.

CUT TO MONTAGE:

Dean hunting with Charlie and Cas, watching their backs as they move through a dark tunnel.

Sam and Eileen sharing a beer as they watch a movie, the lights flickering on their faces.

Dean throwing popcorn and Monopoly pieces at Sam, chasing him around the living room as Sam raises his arms in protest.

Cas and Dean washing dishes together, bumping shoulders and hands, smiling.

Eileen holding a newborn child as Dean, Sam, and Cas all crowd around her— someone takes a picture.

PAN UP from that picture on a table to an older Sam, reading in the study while his son reads next to him, a picture of his father.

Cas playing catch in the yard with Claire, who is clearly indulging him. His brow furrows as he drops the ball again and again, Dean laughing from the porch.

An older Dean finally perfecting his pie recipe, passing the plate around the dinner table, looking pleased with himself. Contented.

Sam’s son goes off to college, and Dean takes a breath, and claps a hand on his shoulder. Smiles proudly at him.

Finally, Dean in a hospital bed, surrounded by his family. He grasps Sam’s hand, looks at Cas like he’s trying to memorize his face. They are all old. They are all satisfied with their lives. Dean smiles, closes his eyes.

BLACKOUT. Heart monitor FLATLINES.

ACT FOUR

EXT. BOBBY’S FARM - PORCH. LATE SUMMER.

The field is golden and beautiful, yet as ragged as Dean remembers it. BOBBY SINGER sits on his rocking chair, beer in hand. Dean walks up to the porch. He takes his time— he has all the time in the world, after all.

BOBBY (fondly) Took you long enough, boy.

DEAN (looking around, smiling slightly) Had a life to live.

Bobby grunts, motions for Dean to sit down next to him. He hands him a beer from the cooler.

DEAN Thought you’d be able to magic yourself one of those from thin air, up here. Service not working lately?

BOBBY More authentic this way. (pause) Heaven’s better now, actually. You saw the old version— it’s not like that up here anymore.

DEAN How’s that?

BOBBY That kid of yours: Jack. He made it so you’re not just trapped in old memories— you can go anywhere, see anyone. (another pause— he knows how much this means to Dean) Anyone.

DEAN (swallowing— this is difficult, painful) Even—

BOBBY (more gently) They’re just up the road. (He takes a sip of his beer.) You have a lot to talk out. Bad memories to work through. But you can do it, with time. Work it all out.

DEAN I hope so, Bobby. I think so.

Pause. Something catches Dean’s eye. PAN OUT to the road— to the IMPALA, shiny as the day she came off the line.

DEAN (reverently) They brought my Baby.

BOBBY (looking at him like a father looks at his son) Go. They’ll wait.

Dean smiles, as big as we’ve ever seen, like a kid on Christmas. Driving down an empty highway, with nothing to do, nowhere to go. His favorite.

Dean turns on the car, smiles nostalgically, and flips on the radio. “HEY JUDE” by The Beatles begins to PLAY.

As the song plays, Dean sees people standing by the road— old friends, old lovers, old rivals, old members of his family. There is CHARLIE, waving frantically, a grinning KEVIN by her side. There are JO and ELLEN and ASH in the Roadhouse, bickering among themselves. There are MARY and JOHN, young lovers again, looking at each other with hope in their eyes. There is PAMELA, there is JODY, LISA, JESS, countless others they’ve loved and lost. JACK even blips in to wave hello.

And then, as the song concludes, Dean pulls to a stop. At the end of the road is Cas, and Sam standing behind him, waiting. They stand on a bridge that stretches over a river. The sun is just beginning to set. Dean gets out of the car, closing Baby gently.

DEAN Miss me?

SAM (rolling his eyes fondly) Shut up.

DEAN (brief confusion) So? Where’s everyone else?

SAM They’ll be here soon.

CAS They have some more living to do.

Dean nods, and turns to gaze out over the bridge. Cas slips a hand into his, and they stand together, looking at the sunset, breaking gold and crimson rays over the water, finally calm, finally peaceful.

BLACKOUT.

CARRY ON WAYWARD SON begins to PLAY again as the credits roll.

THE END.

[donutdean]

Hi, I never do this, & am not actually very vocal here on tumblr. SPN ending has been hard on me like I suspesct it has been for many of my spn fam but ever since it did, here & there I’ve been trying to do different things to make myself feel better about it all, & although I haven’t had much permanent luck, I wrote this little stream of consciousness type blurb today. So I thought maybe I’d share it, to put it out into the universe, & maybe my little blurb can make one of you feel a bit of easement for a bit too. So if you want to, read away. I basically just rewrote the end of 15x20 for myself.

“Our Work Is Done.”

When Dean gets so harshly injured (I hate even having to write that) the boys have a moment to speak thinking they’re saying their goodbyes. Tearful with dread & emotions Dean thinks to pray to Cas one last time. Thinking to himself that this might be it for him. Suddenly what we see is a Lazarus Rising 2.0 Cas entering the barn in a similar fashion fully restored wings & all. Arriving just in time. Both boys turn in shock, Cas replies “You once said your mother used to tell you there were angels watching over you...” He trails off. “Dean, you know, I always come when you call.” THEN he heals Dean. With tears in his eyes they hug, each other. “Thank you.” Dean says. Sam is next, “Cas... thank you.” They also hug each other tightly. Fade to black.

Returning back, TFW are in the Bunker, Cas sees his name & Jack’s initials in the table. Running his fingers over the carvings. His eyes well up as he smiles to himself. Miracle runs over to him excitedly. Dean introduces the two of them to each other. Afterwards Cas sits the boys down & explains everything about Jack getting him out of the empty (flashing back to show it) & how Jack restored heaven with his help, (another flash this time to Bobby, Rufus & The Roadhouse crew together in heaven would work great.)

Finally with that all being said. We flash forward about a year, cutting to a phone ringing, Sam is the one to answer, his hand distinctly showing a wedding ring. He talks with a smile on his face “Yeah, Jody we’ll be there. We promise, we’re just finishing up some research here for Charlie & Stevie.” The camera pans to show us the other half of the “we” he’s speaking of. Eileen is sitting near him reading. She is content & you can clearly see a ring on her finger as she holds the book.

The next cut is to a building much like the Roadhouse we once knew. Instead the sign reads “Rocky’s”. Inside we find Dean working the bar, having the time of his life. Seen are posters for “open mic Sundays”, “Angel Wing Wednesdays” (which is really just a picture with buffalo wings & of course was Dean’s idea), a picture of Dean singing, pictures of friends on the walls ect. & is also the exact replica from Dean’s mind that we once were shown. A happy & very content Cas sits at the bar as well.

We jump again to a finger ringing a doorbell, the door opens to find all Jody, Donna, & ALL the wayward sisters, welcoming TFW for dinner. They hug & greet each other. Claire & Cas shown prominently. The start to settle in for dinner when the doorbell rings again. Claire opens it this time, to find Jack at the door. “Hello!” He says. “It’s about time!” She remarks “Can’t believe God is late for dinner.” she teases. The big family sit together for dinner. Donna asks Sam about wedding plans. Eileen says they’re still planning. Then Donna asks what the plan is in the meantime? Dean says he’s taking a week off from the bar, because they’re going on vacation.

Closing us out is the next jump. We see our heroes enjoying their time at the beach. Matching shirts, little umbrellas, the works. The sun is starting to set. Miracle is playing along the sand with Eileen. Dean, Cas, & Sam in their matching shirts look fondly at each other. “You know what?” Sam says. “After everything we’ve done, everything we’ve been through... I think maybe... maybe our work is done...” Dean continues where he leaves off “Hell, all the apocalypses later, saving the world over & over, you, me, Cas, Jack, hell, our whole family, yeah I think maybe you’re right.” He pauses. He smiles. “Here’s to team free will & to having god at family dinner.” He laughs softly, “Here’s to us. His tone changes slightly with more weight. “We owe it to everyone... we owe it to ourselves.” He looks at his family before him. “... & to each other, to carry on. Our work is done.” Dean holding his drink up to cheers the other two. Cas lifts his glass up “Our work is done.” He repeats as well, looking over at Dean with a bright smile & love beaming from his eyes. There is an easement & contentment like never before. Love, freedom, & levity are palpable. The feeling is as beautiful as the scenery around them. Panning away we see Baby parked close by. Then a fade to black.

The End.

If you read all of this I hope it gives you a little extra peace for a bit. Lots of love.

[221castiel]

Day 6 - Mask

Trigger warning for Eating disorders

Mask /verb/

To conceal (something) from view.

~

"Alright," Dean said, placing his empty plate into the sink. He turned to Sam who still ate, one hand around his fork, his other holding his phone, eyes on the device. "i'm going to shower, then we can head out."

Sam only gave a small hum in response, eyes still locked on his phone.

It didn't bother Dean in the slightest. It was easier that way, gave him more reassurance that Sam wouldn't be curious in following him, not that he ever had before.

Despite that the fear still ticked at Dean's mind as he slowly walked through the bunkers halls, jaw locked, in an attempt to keep his food down. He could feel it burning in his stomach. He'd eaten more then his stomach could handle and was now paying for it both physically and mentally.

His whole body alive with anxiety, adrenaline coursing through his veins. Part of him said stop there in the hallway. Throw up there and then. Get it out of him, calm the anxiety, let the nausea win. He needed it out of him.

He couldn't let it sit in his stomach, build up fat, when he already had so much.

One step

Two steps.

No matter how much quicker his footsteps became he never seemed to be close enough.

Another step.

A spinning of his head.

Another step.

His stomach growling. Full yet still desperate for more.

Another step, and he was pushing his way into his bedroom, a gasped breath filling his lungs.

Dean locked his bedroom door before making his way to his bathroom, locking that door as well. He then turned the shower on, as powerful as it would go, before kneeling in front of the toilet, eyes on the clear water.

The first time he'd down it, at fourteen, he'd cried. He'd sobbed before he had down, he'd sobbed during, and then after, then for the rest of the night.

He could still remember not being able to exactly get the right angle. Fingers in the back of his throat, as tears and snot stained his face. Fingers moving, jabbing, wiggling, until he felt the acidic taste come back up, burning through his throat, and mouth.

Now he no longer cried.

It had become routine, if anything a comfort.

Something he'd become numb to, or if anything relied on, wanted, craved, needed.

It would make him okay.

It would make the anxiety ease.

It would make the fat burn away.

Slowly Dean raised his hand. He rested his fingers against his bottom lips, inhaling a deep breath before pushing them into his mouth, and to the back of his throat.

Within seconds Dean could feel the familiar burning in his throat. The acidic taste as he threw up his dinner into the toilet, burning up his nose and through his mouth, the smell almost just as bad as the taste. He could feel it dripping down his chin, though at that moment he couldn't care, instead letting his forehead rest against the rim.

He didn't open his eyes. He didn't move. He didn't think he could, every muscle in his body aching, his stomach searing in pain, desperate for food. Even if he wanted to, he didn't think he could eat, he couldn't imagine food passing his lips, going down his throat, sitting in his stomach to develop into fat.

He didn't think he could eat.

And he didn't want to.

He didn't want to.

He didn't want to.

He really wanted to.

A slow breath filled his lungs, the smell of sick burning in his lungs, followed by a second breath. He could almost die there. Simply not stand, it wouldn't take long for the stavaton to take over.

Another breath filled his lungs.

"Dean?"

"Son of a bitch!" Dean cried at the sudden noise. His eyes snapped open, as he pushed himself away from the toilet, his gaze immediately going to Cas who had appeared at the other end of the bathroom. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I was informed this is what couples do."

Dean's gaze darted across the other's features which sat in a small frown. If it was Sam, his heart would be hammering. If it was Charlie he'd already be throwing up again. Even if Crowley had found him he'd be worried. Though Cas, he didn't think the angel would understand, or at least he hoped not.

That was the only thing keeping him calm, keeping his voice steady.

"Do what?" Dean asked, "appear in each other's bathrooms?"

"Shower together."

Dean sighed. He brought his hand to his face rubbing it across his chin in an attempt to wipe off the throw up though he ended up just spreading it. "They usually tell each other first."

"My apologies." Cas said. His gaze darted across Dean then to the toilet, a frown tugging at his lips as he tilted his head.

Don't say anything. Don't understand. That's all Dean could think as his boyfriend continued to stare. "Dean," he could feel his stomach drop, threatening to throw up what little was left in it. "Are you alright?"

"Yah," Dean managed, his voice coming out quieter than he would have liked. "just a bit sick."

Cas's gaze dropped back down Dean's body, his nose scrunched the slightest bit, something that if it weren't for the fear, Dean would have thought was cute. "You are more than just a bit. Organ failure, a developing esophageal perforation, anemia, heart damage, malnutrition. You're incredibly sick." As Cas took a small step forward Dean tensed. "I can fix it though it may take a moment."

"It's fine!" Dean insisted. "I'll live."

"I don't think you will."

Castiel's word should have made Dean's stomach drop, he should have been terrified, of dying, of the diseases that would come, of everything it would do to his body. He should have at least been concerned, though he couldn't be.

Starving to death, as messed up as it was, seemened beautiful. Slow, drawn out, dull, and painful. It seemed almost addictive. Beautiful. Euphoric. Holding the same grace as a ballerina across a stage.

No monsters.

No destiny.

Just his own fucked up thoughts winning.

Dean froze as Cas took a step closer, followed by another, until he was right in front of Dean, the confused expression never leaving his face. "I don't understand," Cas whispered, though the words seemed more for himself then Dean. Please don't understand. "How has this happened?"

"I guess burgers and beer aren't the vision of health."

Cas didn't reply, his expression not even faltering for a second. "I'm going to talk to Sam and tell him you won't be joining him in the hunt."

"No!" The word fell before Dean could stop it, though at that moment, Dean couldn't care to hide the fear in his voice, or stop the hammering of his heart. Sam couldn't know. Sam could never know.  "Don't talk to Sam."

"why not?"

"Cas," Dean finally whispered. The frustration was building up, a mix of emotions seeming to pile up higher as he desperately tried to build a wall to stop them. Fear of Sam knowing. Anxiety from the way his stomach made rolls as he hunched on the floor. Pain. Pain. So much pain, both physically and mentally. "Just-" Dean took a hesitant breath, squeezing his jaw shut for a moment, "leave."

"Dean."

"Leave."

For the first time since Cas had arrived his confused expression fell, in realization, or maybe worry, Dean wasn't sure. "You're in pain."

Dean didn't reply, he couldn't, instead he squeezed his jaw tighter, attempting to stop the rising emotions, the blurring of his vision. It was hard to keep everything at bay as the only thing his mind could focus on was how hungry he was. How a stabbing pain burned in his stomach. How he was almost too weak to stand.

Dean's gaze stayed on Cas, watching tensely as the angel slowly crouched, and picked Dean up with ease. "I can walk," Dean whispered, barely able to breath as Cas held him bridal style.

He could feel the way his stomach rolled as he was held, his thighs stuck together, chin pressed down, causing more rolls. So many rolls. So much fat. He couldn't even enjoy Castiel's warmth, to focused on his spiraling thoughts, sending him further into anxiety.

"Your body is eating itself away, you need to rest."

So much fat.

Den could still feel it as Cas sat him on the edge of the bed, his thighs still touching. His under arms touching his sides. His jeans belt making it hard to breath.

So much fat.

He could feel it in his face. He could feel it across his whole body, burning. Searing his skin, sending the anxiety spiralling.

Dean's gaze stayed on the other, as Cas stood in front of him, gaze traveling up and down Dean's body once again. Dean himself could only shift, tugging his flannel over his body.  "I don't understand." Cas repeated. He raised a hand, and from across the room, a pair of Dean's pajamas flew to him. "You get changed. I'm going to get you some food, I will be back."

Dean only gave the smallest nod, as Cas handed over the pair of sweatpants and old t-shirt, making no movement until the other had left. He then slowly pulled his shirt off, eyes staying firmly forward, away from the mirror that could be seen from his bathroom. He'd seen people on tv with eating disorders, they always looked in the mirror, judged their waists, and thighs, Dean couldn't. He was terrified of looking in the mirror, of seeing how much bigger he'd gotten.

So much fat.

He used the old t-shirt to wipe the throw up from his face, before throwing it into the corner of his room. He then pulled on the new t-shirt, his gaze continuing to stay firmly forward as he pulled off his jeans, and pulled on the sweat pants, his fingers hesitation at his waist.

So much fat.

He had considered cutting it away, once, twice, the thought was always at the back of his mind. Grab one of their many knives and slowly carve out his own skin, cut himself thigh gaps, force a thin waist. Sam was the only thing keeping him from trying.

For a moment Dean's finger stayed there, the skin burning against his own touch. His eyes fluttered shut, until he heard the door open.

His hands fell back to his sides, eyes flying open, meeting the angel in the doorway.  

"The google suggested soup for when you're sick," Cas explained. He walked back to Dean, placing a bowl of tomato soup. It looked like the whole can, it would be 200 calories at most, 120 at minimum. Dean would say 250 to be safe. He'd already eaten today, 250 was too much. "They also suggested tea," Cas continued placing a mug next to the soup, "I know you don't like tea so I brought coffee instead."

Dean gave a small nod of his head, gaze still on the food. He was starving. The acid taste still burned in his mouth. He wanted to eat so bad he could cry, but there was so much fat across his body.

So much fat.

"Thanks," Dean whispered, watching as Cas walked around to the other side of the bed, and sat next to Dean. He needed to focus on something else, anything else but the soup. He'd regret it if he ate it, but he was so hungry.

Cas's gaze stayed on Dean for a moment, his blue eyes staring intensely as Dean stared back. "Are you not going to eat?" Cas finally asked, tilting his head slightly, his eyebrows furrowing, and nose scrunching.

"Not right now, my stomach isn't feeling good." Cas gave a small nod in understanding.

Slowly Dean layed down, able to feel rolls at his side as he did. Each breath becoming more shaken as he tried to keep his breathing steady.

So much fat.

He raised a hand pulling Cas closer. "Come lay with me."

The angel only gave a small hum in agreeance, before letting Dean pull him into a tight hug. The warmth was nice, Cas's back against Dean's chest, his arms around the other. He was always so cold, from his toes to his finger tips, at times it became painful.

Cas was always so warm, so comforting.

So slim and perfect.

Dean buried his face into the back of Cas's next, squeezing his eyes shut in an attempt to stop the tears. He hated himself. He hated the fact that, that was all he could think about, how slim Cas was, how built Sam was, how slim Jack was. How he himself was built, with so much fat.

"Dean?" He could feel Cas shifting in his arms, and quickly Dean brought his hands to his face, stopping whatever tears threatened to fall, just as Cas faced him.

They were so close, almost nose to nose as they layed in bed. Dean could feel his thighs touching, sticking together, from how low his sweatpants hung.

So much fat.

Cas lips parted, and for a second he didn't continue, only a warm breath flaring across Dean's cheeks. "I love you," Cas finally whispered. "You don't have to say it back, as I understand it's not easy, but I think you need to know."

Dean didn't reply, his eyes instead staying locked on Cas's as the other raised a hand slowly trailing it across the side of Dean's face. He couldn't find the words to tell the other to stop, no matter how much he wanted to. He couldn't tell the angel, who was trying so hard to make sure he was okay, that every touch burned. Every trail of his fingers, down Dean's arm, along Dean's side, burned, sending him spiralling into anxiety.

Along his side. Along his chest. Outlining scars that Cas had long ago memories. It all made his lungs seem to collapse, breathing seemed like an impossible task.

There was so much fat.

No matter how gentle, how innocent the touch was Dean didn't want it.

There was too much fat.

"I have been alive for billions of years and never met anyone as incredible as you." Cas's fingers trailed to Dean's stomach resting there as Dean held his breath.

So much fat.

"You are the most amazing man I have ever met." Cas's hand dropped, his eyes going back to Dean's, wide and blue. "And I am in love with you."

Dean took a slow breath, his not moving from the other's. I love you, on the tip of his tongue, though seeming stuck there.

"Dean," Cas whispered, when he hadn't replied. "May I heal you."

"Not now Cas."

"Dean you will die."

"I said not now," the word was met to come out angry, insistent, at least frustrated, though it was laced by nothing but pain.

"Dean why not?" He clenched his jaw, vision beginning to blur with tears. How could he tell the other that it felt good, that knowing he was that sick ment he was doing something right. How could he tell Cas he enjoyed it, needed it, loved it. Dean attempted to take a breath though it came out as a gasped sob. "You can talk to me."

"Not now," Dean whispered, as tears began rolling down his cheeks. "Please."

[dingobait]

SPN 15x20 - rewrite script notes ‘Carry On’

SPN 15x20 - rewrite.  

Saving Cas from the empty is the only thing left for Dean and Sam to do. 

2735 words: script notes- Destiel, Fixit, Happy, All the gangs here to help saving Cas. Half Ficlet / half mad writings of a grieving Fan requiring happiness and true love and closure- gonna use this as the starting point for some writing practice and probs eventually write a fan / spec script.

* 

Id start it with Dean on the road, fuming and stewing over his grief for Cas. Ignoring Sams calls. Maybe a moment where he hesitates near the trunk of the Impala when Sam comes out of the bunker to be like ‘Dude?! Stop ignoring me!’ And Dean guiltily hides what will later be revealed as Cas’ coat.

All the alternate world hunters are staying in the bunker and established as being back. They’re reorganising, gathering info figuring out what’s changed in this new world post dusting. Sam can’t keep his eyes off Eileen as she works. He keeps getting distracted and almost missing the table when trying to put down his coffee mug. Not wanting to miss a word she signs. She gives his wrist a gentle squeeze when she moves past him, signing that ‘She’s not going anywhere, Promise’.  

The bunker is too crowded for Dean, too noisy, he gets busted sitting in Cas’ room, holding the mixtape between his hands.

Sam and he talk about feelings, well they talk around feelings at least. The ‘I love you’ confession will be saved for the very end for Cas’ ears only.

Our inciting incident of the episode starts off screen. Deans choking on his words about missing Cas, Sam amazed at how many words he’s finally coaxed out of his brother- and then from the other room there’s shouts of shock and alarm- there’s a dark smear growing in the air of the main room of the bunker. And for a brief moment a face struggles to push itself out of the muck-  Dean and Sam arrive in the room just as the goo shimmers like oil vapours in the air and disappears. Cas? Deans afraid to voice it aloud but Charlie beats him to it. Sams nodding. Freaked out. Everyone agrees it looked like Cas.

They have a smear of the Empty left behind to work with. And A room full of witnesses who all want to help.

Jack shows up saying ‘so sorry I can’t play favourites’ while clearly playing favourites and guiding them to the book that contains the magical solution they need (ala Cas’ telling Dean about the arch angel attached to the profit Chuck in season four, ‘so sad I can’t help WINK if only I could ‘continues to give gives blatant info haha)

For the first step of the spell, we’d need a psychic to establish a tether to the Cas in the empty, we’d have to go and check in on the Wayward Sisters to ask for Missouris’ granddaughters help. We’d see Kia and Claire together as a couple, and Sam would catch Dean looking at them trying to hide how happy they are in the face of Deans misery.

Patience needs something of Cas’ to create a tether, Sam freaks that they don’t have anything with them and Dean has to clear his throat twice to get the words out that he does.

He retrieves the trench coat from the trunk. (Or maybe his own jacket with the bloody handprint still on its shoulder-  Sam’s all ’ew dean you still haven’t washed this?!’)

The first part of the spells in place. Patience says something cryptic to Dean as she hands back the trenchcoat, his grip is perhaps a bit too tight to be read as anything but casual. Jodys attempt at getting Dean to open up is less subtle, everyone’s trying to get Dean to admit If he’s okay or hurting or something worse.

‘You’ve gotta talk about it eventually’, but Sam can see the explosion building in Dean, but then it’s an implosion as instead of getting mad Dean just shuts down, shoulders caving in,  and Dean just has to go

‘Pick you up later Sammy’ and he’s out the door.

We finally see the tears once he’s alone in the car

Driving, he almost hits the smear of black ooze absorbing the glow of the impalas headlights growing in the middle of the road, he skids and frames the scene with the headlights, jumping out of the car as Cas tries once again to pull himself from the empty, this time the oil parts slightly and Cas’ hands push through, Dean sprints forward, and almost has Cas’ hand tightly in his own before the oozey hole in the universe blinks back closed.

Jack will pop in briefly, commenting about how how well the first part of the spell worked with Patience’s help. He’d plant another hint about the next step of the spell, and Dean would sheepishly head back to pick up Sam to tell him the news.

Together the whole gang discuss the case over a family dinner, food everywhere, no more emotional pushing from anyone, Dean’s allowed to stay quiet and is offered additional serves as everyone brainstorms how to interpret / fulfil the next step of the spell to save Cas.

Sam quietly checks in with Dean, elbowing him as Jody and Donna and the girls talk at the other end of the table. Sam assures Dean that everyone didn’t mean to freak him out earlier and Dean cuts him off.

‘I think I needed the reminder that we’re in this together’ he admits.

Sam agrees, ‘You’re not the only one who wants Cas back Dean.’

With Charlie’s remote hacking help, we find the location of next relic we need / the next spell component. We see Stevie helping with the research, we see Bobby breaking a code and Garth adding some new piece of lore that’s vital to the puzzle.

We have a classic heist sequence with Dean and Sam doing what they do best, breaking into places to steal shit from museums. It’s dope, music sequences and everything ending with Dean almost tripping a lasor sensor before Sam pulls him back at the last moment. Dean thought he saw another hint of Black ooze and drawn to it like a moth to a flame.

Later on the side of the road and with the first hint of hope /excitement from Dean, we preform the next part of the spell.

Almost instantly, another black ooze rifts appears, Cas struggles to pull himself free, but this time Sam and Dean manage to grab his arms together, they pull with all their might, the ooze is retreating back from Cas’ shoulders, neck, and slowly his face, and we finally see the fight in his blue eyes, the desperate hope, struggling to get back to our world.

Dean and Cas make eye contact, Deans grip on his arm turns bone tight- but the ooze is reclaiming Cas’ throat, cutting off his attempt at Deans name. A deep voice rumbles from beyond the rift ’I said forever!’- and SNAP! The ooze rift slams back shut. And dean and Sam are left sprawling on the ground.

Deans hands close on handfuls of dirt and grass, and then Jack appears. Jolly and smiling.

‘That was very close! I almost thought you wouldn’t need the final spell component!’

‘A rare dagger and one other other thing is required to walk through the Empty unscathed.’ Jack hands the the dagger to Dean. He weighs the stone dagger in his hand.

‘Whats the other requirement?’  

’Love willingly given’ Jack tells him and Dean gives a wobbly grin and just nods and opens his mouth to say something but Jack shakes his head, ‘no, I’m not the one who needs to hear it’.

Sam thanks Jack for his help making things right as Dean walks back to where the oozey tear appeared. He clears his throat, once twice, gripping the ancient dagger in his hands. He turns back to Sam and Jack who confer back and forth, Jack looks over and just nods back towards the afflicted space, a ‘go on you can do it’ but they both give Dean his space.

Dean flips the dagger about, changing the grip with finesse and gathers himself. He stares at the point in space that had so recently held Cas.

‘We’re not done yet’ Dean finally admits as he stabs the dagger into the air and slices through universe, the dagger vibrates in his hands, the rift trying to resist, but Dean leans into it, whispering

‘it’s my turn to save your, ass you ass’ and the dagger slices clean through the worlds.

Dean steps through the door he’s created, the void empty sans his own reflection beneath him, but the daggers glowing in his hand now, a beacon that grows hot and cold as he waves it before him. Dean follows the bacon of light, and meets Cas half way, the angel is struggling against the ooze at a snails pace, drowning in the thick liquid and Dean grabs his shoulder and heaves, using the dagger to hack at the muck, and then Cas is falling into him and this time Dean drags Cas through the darkness, a perfect reproduction of Cas herding Dean through the halls of the Bunker when Billie came after them, but now Dean’s the one to throw Cas to safety through the door before leaping through it just a footfall behind him.

And they land in a tangle of limbs in the grass on the side of the highway with Jack and Sam watching on.

‘Ow’ Cas says in his familiar deep rumble. Dean chokes back a half gasped laugh as he lifts himself of Cas’ chest, but then - movement from the corner of his eye. He spins, blade in hand.

An arm of ooze streaks out towards Cas, greedy and grasping but Dean cleaves it in two before stabbing the dagger into the ground at the base of the rift. The rift blinks out of existence and we’re left alone on the side of the road.

Cas lays on his back, blinking up at the night sky. ‘So It worked?’ Dean looks down at him, grabbing his hand and pulling him into a clumsy seated embrace, Dean buries his face in Cas’ shoulder.

‘Hello Dean’ he says warmly. Dean gasp laughs into Cas’ shirt collar.

’You can have it. You’ve always had it.’ He whispers the words into Cas’ neck who stiffens in surprise, looking down at Dean incredulously as Sam and Jack engulf them all in a full embrace. Any other words are stuck in Deans mouth.

’It’s been too long!’ / ’Welcome home!’ a sweet short lived reunion. They get up, Sam jumping on his phone to spread the good news as he walks back to the car, Jack explains the status quo. Giving Cas a wonderful speech about well deserved places in the world and how if you’re lucky you can carve out a family of your own and he thanks Cas for being a wonderful dad and promises that they still have to work to do and he of course he’ll be around.

But eventually he catches on to the energy in the night air, Dean hovering over Cas’ shoulder, Jack ‘Jacks’ and states an obvious ‘ohhhh this is one of those situations Sam told me to help facilitate, I’m going to * obvious wink* remove myself’  and he Bamfs out.

And Dean grabs Cas’ shoulder, half trying to brush off the black handprint he’s left there in dirt or ooze, half trying to gather his courage and Cas watches as Dean finally looks up and meets his eyes.

‘They’re hard words to say aloud.’ Dean admits, but Cas hears them anyway, and a surprised heart warming smile forms on Cas’ face, and maybe it’s a little bit wobbly.

‘Love is patient.’ Cas offers but Dean winces. He grips Cas’ shoulder tightly, but forces his grip to relax. His hands settling into something almost soft at Cas’ sides, bracketing his elbows. An almost embrace as Dean leans closer.

‘No fuck that. You deserve’ - he scrunches up his nose at the word, ‘You’re… wonderful. You have to know you’re wonderful-  I, goddamnit I’m not good with any of this. You shouldn’t have to be so patient.’ Cas is watching him with a warm smile, basking in the words, in the words he can now see between them, and Deans hands are gently drifting up and down Cas’ arms. They finally settle on his waist. Cas would never tell Dean he could feel their shaking.

‘I love you as you are Dean Winchester’ Cas tells him solemnly.

And Dean kisses him. A brief fierce thing, before he buries his face once more into Cas’ neck, engulfing him in a soul squeezing hug.

We see Deans lips move to form the words we so want to hear, but the words themselves are for Cas’ ears alone as we see Sam watching them from the Impala.

His expression is pained, Half ‘gross that’s my brother making out with an angel’, half ‘my fucking god FINALLY’.

His phone going off in his hands, Eileen and others excited about the news of Cas’ return, and Sam hesitates for a moment before raising the phone. Just as Sam predicted, Dean and Cas kiss once more, the shadows soft about them in the half light on this stretch of remote road. Sam takes a photo and sends it to Eileen…  A whole new flurry of texts flood his screen: OMFG WHAT FINALLY?! YOU OWE ME $$$$ and the radios bubbling softly in the interior of the Impala. The first few notes of ‘Carry on my wayward son’.

Dean knocks on the drivers door, Sam jumps and hides his phone guilty.

‘Outta my seat Bitch’ Dean opens the door for him, Sam goes around to get into the passenger seat, only to see Cas already sitting in it, still glowing but trying to play it cool. Cas’ eyes slide to the backseat and Sam humfs before getting in.

‘You’re both jerks.’

Cas and Dean share a look. Sam groans and slumps down in the backseat. But his happiness about the situation is clear.

The music kicks in, the night sky is endless, and the family are together on the backroads of America, ready to take on whatever comes next.

THE END

Maybe a quick shot post credits scene of Gabriel and Crowley and Balthazar exchanging money with all the other angels and demons now awake and creating chaos in the empty.

[janicho88]

Come Back Part 3

Paring- Dean x Reader

Word Count-3810

Summary- After everything you and Dean have been through to get together you deserve some happiness right?

Warnings-Smidge of angst, fluff, some language, maybe just a couple words.  Implied smut

A/N As of right now this is the final part.  There is a chance someday there will be a fourth.  There are a few more pictures in this one, I like to visualize things, was trying to help you see what I was.  Pictures found on google.

Part 1    Part 2 

Three months later

Chaos, mayhem and craziness, that was what surrounded you.  Currently you were hiding in your old room in the bunker trying to get away.  Unfortunately the knock at the door told you that they found you again.  Charlie, Donna, and Jody, all of whom you had renamed in your head, hurried in. They were trying to help get everything ready for the wedding in a few days.  They all had an opinion on how it should be, the problem was, their opinion didn’t match yours.

Chaos, I mean Charlie thought you should do a Star Wars theme. They women could all dress like Princess Leia and the guys Jedi, with the robes and hoods. You think you just about had her talked out of it.  You had told her if that was what she wanted to wear, go right ahead, but she would be the only one. 

Mayhem, oh miss Donna wanted you to learn square dancing.  She was also hoping for big dresses with these crazy bows, and so so many ruffles.  You told her she was more than welcome to have one herself.  At this rate it was going to be more like a costume party than a wedding.  You mentioned to Donna you didn’t think Dean was going to learn square dancing this week for the wedding, but if she wanted to show people that night it was fine.   

Craziness, bless her heart. Jody’s ideas were probably the closest to what you were thinking.  After you lost your parents you spent most of your time at Bobby’s before going off hunting with Dean.  You saw Jody as a mom figure, and she knew the inner girl you kept hidden.  You just didn’t want to make things as grand as she did.  You appreciated everyone’s help, they were just a bit overwhelming when you had them all at once.

You weren’t expecting too many attendees.  Besides the three ladies, Alex and Claire would of course be joining.  Garth and his family would be here, a few other hunters the guys kept in constant contact with also coming.  You expected, but weren’t completely sure Crowely and Rowena would also make an appearance.  Rowena liked you, and the two of you had become friends over the years, even if Dean wasn’t thrilled about it.  Sam was Dean’s best man, Donna your maid of honor.  Since Dean was legally dead, and also wanted for numerous federal crimes a marriage license was out of the question.  Cas was officiating, both you and Dean figured married by an angel would make it legal and binding for the two of you.

Turning your attention back to the three ladies in front of you, you figured it would be wise to see what questions they had this time.

“What are you doing for decorations?”

“Where is the caterer going?”

“Where is your dress”

Jody’s question was the easiest so you started there.  “My dress still needs to be picked up, they finished the last alteration yesterday.”  While hunters don’t often get normal things, one thing you always dreamed about watching chick flicks was a beautiful wedding dress.  When you told Dean you were just going to get a simple dress or wear one you had, he encouraged you to go after your dream one.  He joked about wanting to see you in a big fancy dress in your real wedding pictures, not just your fake ones Sam had made.

As for the decorations, “Dean and I talked, we will move the tables aside in the library and rearrange the chairs for people to sit.  I don’t have any decorations.”  

“What nothing?  No fancy lights or even flowers?” Charlie wanted to know. 

 “No, we figured simpler was easier.”  Charlie just rolled her eyes.

“There aren’t that many of us, we didn’t exactly get a caterer.  There is a restaurant in town we’ve gone to a few times that does party size orders.   We ordered a few dishes to serve 30 that should give us plenty.  Sam or Dean are picking them up the day before the wedding, we just need to reheat it the next day.  Dean joked that we can order pizza later if people are hungry.  Honestly, I don’t care much about any of those things, well other than the dress, but it still isn’t as important as Dean.  End of the day what matters most is actually being together with Dean.  I want to be able to truthfully say he’s my husband.”  

They all chuckled at that.  You still had to humor them with a few more answers before they left you alone.  You had about two minutes to yourself when there was a knock on the door.  Turning your head toward the door you saw Dean walking in.

“How’s it going with your wedding army?”

“Not funny, they are driving me nuts.  I know I said I didn’t want to go to Vegas before, but is that completely off the table now?”

“Personally, I wouldn’t want to face the wrath of those 3 if they found out we eloped now, but if you really want to Baby is gassed and ready to go.”

“UGGHH, you’re right, we would never hear the end of it now.”

“I’ll talk to them, see if I can get them to calm down.”

“Thank you, Honey, you're the best.”   

After giving you a kiss your fiance left to try and wrangle in your help. Fiance, what a crazy year you two have had. It started with the fight that had you leaving the bunker and Dean.  Followed by the amnesia and being Dean’s fake wife.  They two of you had been together since the memories returned, you had officially moved into his room.  He didn’t say anything else about a wedding after the comment about getting real pictures so you didn’t push.   A month after all of Dean’s memories of you came back  he took you out to dinner then a walk by a nearby lake.  It was by the lake he dropped down on one knee and asked you to be his wife.  With tears in your eyes you had said yes. Dean didn't want to ever lose you again, hunter’s don’t always have the longest lives so he wasn’t going to waste any more time making you his actual wife.

The next month and half had kept you all pretty busy with hunts, you had not had much time to do anything for the wedding.  One of the few things you two finished was picking out your rings while gone on a case. 

 Your lack of completed tasks is why the girls are here now trying to help you.  You appreciated the help because honestly the last couple of weeks you hadn’t had a lot of extra energy.  You were thankful Dean hadn’t noticed that yet though.

Dean talked to your three friends and got them to tone everything down a bit. It made the next few days so much easier for you.  The night before your wedding they took you out for your bachelorette party.  You mentioned to them you didn’t want a hangover the next day so you wanted to avoid the alcohol.  They took you out for dinner, and still ended up with a trip to the bar after.  Things went pretty well though, and it was a fun night with the girls.  You weren’t sure what the guys were doing for Dean, but you knew they were hanging around the bunker.  When you made your way from the garage to your old room, you could still hear them in the library. 

You know those days where everything that can go wrong will?  That was your wedding day.  It was now 11:30 and the wedding was supposed to be starting at 1, if it ever did.  You could not believe the morning you had had.   Dean and Sam had picked up the food yesterday from the reception. Everything was sealed and labeled just how you had ordered it.  The guys brought it home and put it in the fridge.  This morning when you, Jody and Donna were in the kitchen talking about when to reheat everything and what goes where you took it all out of the fridge, good thing. What was supposed to be an alfredo pasta was, well you weren’t really sure.  It was something slimy.  In the container labeled chicken breasts, raw vegetables, at least those were edible. They would work too since Sam forgot to grab anything to make a salad.  Instead of mashed potatoes you got yams.  The cornbread Dean wanted, just cream corn.  

Jody called the restaurant to see if they could fix it and get you the right things.  They were extremely sorry, but could not fix it right now.  Apparently your food got mixed up with another catering they had today for a bigger group.  They were working on fixing that one right now, and it would take a few hours to start on yours.  They told Jody they would be giving you a refund though.  Looks like you’ll be ordering pizza after all. 

Leaving the kitchen after that mess you headed up to the library.  The site that met you had you closing your eyes hoping it was all a nightmare.  The guys little bachelor party the night before  looks like it got out of hand.  For some reason there were books everywhere, the tables and chairs all over and as soon as your shoe hit the library floor it stuck to it.  They apparently spilled a bit of alcohol, you could smell it now.  That had you running for the bathroom.  You carefully made your way back to the library, Sam looking around the corner when he heard your approach.  

“Hey we were going to come clean this up before you woke up.  Guess we overslept.  Don’t worry about this.  It will straighten up in no time.”

“What about the smell Sam?”

“We’ll find something.”

“What happened in here anyways?”

“Cas might have had a bit too much to drink and he was trying to show off some of his powers.  Didn’t go well as you can tell.  Used too much energy and passed out before we could get him to fix it.”

As you were talking you didn’t notice Charlie and Donna coming behind you.  They were going to finish the cake table and chose to bring the cake out now.  Charlie hit the sticky floor and stumbled. She held her balance until she hit an out of place chair and the cake went flying. Now you had another mess and no cake.  At least you had bought Dean a pie, which Donna was carrying.  Never mind it met the same fate as the cake.  What else could go wrong?

You should not have asked.  After trying to help clean up some of the mess, Jody sent you to shower.  She was going to start your hair after.  You two had practiced your updo a few times and she knew exactly how you wanted it.  Problem was today your hair didn’t realize it was supposed to cooperate.  The half up half down with curls you wanted was mostly down, and extremely limp.  Oh well, it was just hair you told yourself.  While looking in the mirror at the flop on your head someone knocked on the door.  It was Sam.

“What’s up Sam”

“Is anyone here any good with alterations?”

“What kind, to what and why?” You asked with your eyes narrowing in the mirror.

“Slight problem with the tuxes. Um how do you feel about purple?”

‘What’s wrong with the tuxes?  What’s purple that I need to feel something about? Again why?”

“Cas’ tux apparently came in purple. Now is the first time he’s opened it.  He must have hit the wrong box.  The alterations are for Dean and I.  My tux is a bit too big, and his is too small.  He can’t even get the coat on.”

“Didn’t you get measured for your tuxes? Why didn’t you try them on before?”

“We sent in our measurements and they sent us things to try on and we told them what fit.  Things have been hectic.  We all thought they would be fine.”

You didn’t say anything just stared straight ahead for a minute.  “I guess your Fed suits will have to work.”

You were hoping to do a few pictures outside before people came, that way you weren’t holding up the reception after.  You had figured if everyone here was ready by 11:30 it gave you time for pictures and to get back to your room before anyone else arrived. 

Shortly after 11 Donna and Charlie were helping you into your dress while Jody looked for your shoes. 

“I can’t find them anywhere Y/N do you know what they were in?”

They were in a white box.  They were on the counter, I grabbed the dress and Charlie grabbed my shoes.”

“I didn’t carry anything out of the shop.”  The redhead behind you spoke up.

“Did anyone carry the white box out?”

Silence great, you left without your shoes.  You had white flip flops guess that will have to do.  Donna started to zip the back of your dress with Charlie helping when you heard a ripping noise.

“What is that?”

“OH NO!  Y/N, I am so sorry!” Charlie exclaimed.  Apparently she had ended up standing on the dress while they were pulling the zipper and it was enough to tear the fabric in the back.  They unzipped it, while Jody left to see if there was any thread in the bunker to try and sew it up.  Charlie kept apologizing, but you told her accidents happen, and ushered them both out for a few minutes of quiet for yourself.

There was a knock on the door.

“Who is it?”

“Babe it’s me.  Jody told me about all the problems, are you okay? Can I come in”

“NO!  If the only thing that goes right today is the tradition of not seeing the bride then so be it.  You can open the door a smidge, but don’t peak in.”

“Okay, okay.   How are you holding up.”

 “I’m beginning to think someone cursed us today.  Who did we piss off now?”

“Just a rough morning, we aren’t cursed this time.  I’m sorry about the mess we made in the library.  We got the spills cleaned up.”

“Does it still smell like beer?”

“Eh, maybe some.”

“Okay.  Thank you for getting the rest ready.”

“Sweetheart, I’m sorry this isn’t the day of your dreams.”

“It’s okay, I’ll survive.   At the end of the day the most important thing is I have you by my side.”

“Always, Sweetheart.  We’re in this together.”

As you and Dean were talking you heard the clank of heels coming down the hall. “Is that Jody coming back?” 

“No, it’s Rowena.  Hello Rowena, can I help you?”

“Hello Dean. No, you cannot, I just fancied a word with the bride to be.”

“Dean, be nice.” You whispered out to him

“Fine, I’ll see you out there Sweetheart everything will be fine.”

 As Dean walked away you opened the door and let Rowena in.

“I heard from Samual, it’s been a bit of a rough morning for you? That library smells like a brewery.”

“That’s one way to put it.  Not much is going right, the food is wrong, the cake hit the floor, along with Dean’s pie.  The library was a mess this morning.  They cleaned it, but like you said it still smells.  The guy's tuxes don’t fit, Cas’ is the wrong color, I forgot my shoes and my dress ripped.  My hair has decided this will be the day it does it’s own thing.  This isn’t exactly how I thought this day would go.  I guess I should just be happy we haven’t been called for a hunt yet.”

“Sit here and let Rowena see what she can do Lass.”

You had been sitting in your room for about five minutes when Jody and Donna came back. They took your wedding dress and an old pair of shoes and left again. They must have found some thread, not sure what they are doing with the shoes though.  Five minutes later they returned again, much too quickly to have actually sewn the dress.

“Okay, let’s get you dressed,” Jody said.

“Wait, what about the dress? Did you fix it already?”

“We did not.  Your witchy godmother did.  She fixed your dress, shoes, the tuxes, cleaned up the library a bit.”

“Oh my.”  You were speechless. 

As they were finishing closing your dress there was another knock at the door. Rowena entered a moment later.

“You look just about perfect deary.  One more little thing.”

Rowena spoke a few words and you could suddenly feel your hair moving around.  She was fixing that too.

“Rowena, I’m going to cry thank you so much!”

“No tears today, it’s a happy day.  Even if you are marrying that Winchester.”

“Thank you so much.”  You gave her a hug and she went back out to the library.  

You had just enough time to get a few pictures finished before you needed to come back inside.  While Dean was outside getting his pictures with the guys, and ladies, you went to the library.  You could not believe your eyes, Rowena had worked her magic in here also.  It was no longer the library you knew, but a ballroom.  Gone were the bookcases, tables and chairs.  White Chairs were set up for the guests and a beautiful wedding arch where you would say your vows.  

“This is amazing Rowena, I can’t believe you did all this thank you!”

“You are more than welcome.  Alas I can’t take all the credit in here, your fiance made the arch as a surprise for you.”    

You couldn’t believe Dean had done that.  It was perfect.  The door opened and Jody came in to see where you were, so Dean wouldn’t see you when he came in.   She ushered him to the hall, then helped you up the stairs. When your pictures were done, she went inside and looked for Dean, to keep him out of the way.  Sam came over to talk to you.

“You look stunning, my brother is one lucky guy.  I’m glad you both came to senses.  I’m glad you decided to come back here.”

“I am too.  Mostly I’m thankful we got our Dean back.”  Sam gave you a hug as you both headed back inside.

Soon it was time for the ceremony to start.  You had asked Jody to walk you down the aisle, being the closest thing you had to a parent.  Dean actually had a tear in his eye when you reached him, and he told you how beautiful you looked. You told him how dashing he was.  The ceremony went much quicker than you imagined.  Both you and Dean reciting traditional vows.  When Cas pronounced you husband and wife Dean grabbed you to him in a longer kiss than you thought he would.  After you walked back down the aisle and people were getting up from their seats, Rowena changed the room to a different setting again.

  The white chairs were now around tables, a buffet line was set up that smelled delicious.  In the corner a beautiful wedding cake, with smaller circles surrounding it on the table.  Upon closer inspection they were mini pies.  You were going to need to hide some of those from Dean so he didn’t get sick.   This was incredible and more than you could imagine, you were going to owe her big for this.

You and Dean spent the afternoon and even talking with guests, dancing and enjoying the wonderful food Rowena provided.  When it came time to cut the cake, you told Dean if he made a mess it would be a long time before you made him another pie.  He took that warning to heart and did his best not to smear it on your face. You doing the same with the piece of pie you cut him.  Dean picked your first dance song, Aerosmith’s "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing."  He said he wasn’t missing anymore of your life together.   Most of your guests were crashing at the bunker tonight so it was one long party.  At one point you caught up to Sam.

“Think Rowena could have helped us with Dean a few months ago?”

“Probably, wish we had thought to ask her back then.” You nodded your agreement before going to find your new husband. 

You and Dean finally decided to call it a night and head back to your shared room for a little alone time.  There was something you wanted to share with Dean tonight.  Opening the door and turning back to pick you up Dean carried you in and placed you on the bed.  You were staying in the bunker tonight before heading off to your honeymoon.  Dean had actually rented a house on the beach, but far enough away from others you would have some privacy. 

“I missed you in my arms last night wife”

“I missed being held close to you, husband. I like being able to honestly call you that now.”

“I love hearing it.  I like the idea of filling those frames with pictures I actually remember.”

“Dean I have something for you.”

“Yeah, is it under your dress”

“Not in the way you're thinking.”

 Getting off the bed you went to your dresser and pulled out a gift wrapped box.  As you handed it to him, he told you he didn’t get you anything.  You told him he already did, and just open the box. He tore the paper off and when his eyes shot up to you when he removed the lid.  He looked at you and then back to what you had made for him in the box.

“Really… are you?.. Am I?”  With tears in his eyes he could finish his sentences.

“Yes, we are going to have a baby, you're going to be daddy.”  He grabbed you and pulled you in for a tight hug before he thought better of it and loosened his grip.  Leaning down his lips met yours in a slow sweet kiss.

“How far along are you?”

“Just about 6 weeks I found out this past week. Cas told me and I swore him to secrecy.”

“You know this means no more hunting for you right?”

“Yes, I kind of figured that.”

Dean leaned down to kiss you again.  It didn’t take long till you were working the buttons on his shirt and he was trying to figure out your dress.  You had to break apart to deal with clothes before coming back together and finishing your wedding night wrapped up in one another.  

Tags @flamencodiva​ @deanwanddamons​ @katehuntington​ @winchest09​ @emoryhemsworth​ @waywardbeanie​ @malfoysqueen14​ @talesmaniac89​ @whatareyousearchingfordean​ @superfanficnatural​ 

@fantasydevil2002​ @vicmc624​ @lilballofemotions @sandlee44​                       @multi-fan-lover

[jumblejen]

Last Suppers

Suptober21 Day 17: Last Supper

https://archiveofourown.org/works/34559005

Dean has had many last suppers. It started when he was four. He knows that they didn’t have Winchester surprise for dinner the night of the fire. No, they’d had macaroni and cheese, and meatloaf with lots of ketchup, and canned green beans that Dean pushed around on his plate until his dad yelled at him to just eat them already. The meal hadn’t been special, or different, or stood out at all, except that it was the last dinner he ever ate with his family all together before it cracked in the heat of the demon’s blaze. No, it was the days after the fire, everything lost except the brother he couldn’t seem to let go of, hovering when he was fed or changed because Dean was too small to do it on his own. His mind kept returning to it. The table, the food, the places set, Sammy in his crib, his mom and dad talking about grownup things. The ketchup. The green beans. The slithery feel of the mac and cheese offset by the dry lumps of meatloaf. He remembered his mom’s smile. It was beautiful. He didn’t really understand at first, how she was gone. He kept hoping she’d be at the next place they landed for a few days. She never did show up and eventually he realized that was what death was.

The next last supper was the one before the car accident. 

Hardly a supper since it was more beef jerky and coffee to help keep him going. And then the last supper was the one where he and Sam ate at some diner. Dean had gotten an open-faced turkey sandwich, Sam some wilty salad. Because then Sam was gone and it was just Dean again and he didn’t know if they’d see each other again.

On and on the suppers kept coming. Dean rarely knew they were a last supper at all beforehand. They started to blur together after he came back from hell. Last supper before Sam said yes. Last supper before he drove to meet the devil in the cemetery. Last supper with Lisa and Ben before Sam crashed back into his life. Last supper when they were hunting down that vampire nest and Dean got turned. Last supper before Cas became god and another before he walked into the lake. So many lasts, over and over and over.

And then he lost Cas. Again. There wasn’t even a last supper in purgatory, just hopped through the portal and Cas stayed. That one haunted Dean no matter the truth that Cas showed him about Cas deciding to stay. No, too many last suppers.

Last suppers for Jo and Ellen.

Last suppers for Rufus and for Bobby. For Charlie.

Another last supper for Mom. Last family supper with Dad, dragged from the past by a stupid wish.

Last supper for Gabriel. Last supper for Rowena. Last supper for Jack. Another last supper for Jack. And now Jack was sort of god.

Last supper for Cas again and Dean was broken. Had he known Cas was going to be taken by the empty, that Cas would die again while he was powerless to stop it, Dean would have made something special instead of munching on cheap pizza. He would have fixed a meal for both of them. He would have set the table.

He would have found the courage to tell Cas he loved him.

Instead Cas was gone, shitty pizza their last supper. And yet Dean was still alive. Every meal became his last supper. He didn’t pray for it, because who would he pray to now that Cas was gone? Praying to Jack that he’d stop living without Cas wasn’t something Dean could do to the kid. But they were all last suppers. Each bite came with the question of whether it could be his last.

And then a miracle occurred. And Cas came back. And all Dean could do was hold onto him. They clung to each other while Dean struggled to shake off that feeling of everything being over. He kept marking the time, marking the meals. Would the burgers be the next last supper? What about the grilled cheese he’d cooked up in the bunker’s kitchen yesterday? Each meal felt heavier and heavier. Dean felt suspended over a chasm of the next last supper, the next death, the next goodbye.

“Dean,” Cas’ voice broke into the spiraling of Dean’s brain.

“Sorry Cas.”

“Dean. I know you’re worried but we’re ok.”

“Sorry Cas,” Dean said again. “I just can’t stop thinking about all the times…”

“I know Dean. I’m sorry.”

“Why’re you sorry? I’m the one that…”

“No, Dean, I…” Their overlapping sentences drowned each other out.

“Dean, it’s not your fault. Chuck wanted everyone to leave you and so they did. Over and over. It’s not your fault.”

Dean couldn’t meet Cas’ eyes.

“Dean.” Cas grabbed Dean’s hand. “Dean, we’re together. Neither of us is going anywhere.”

“Cas I shoulda saved you.”

“Which time?”

“The last time. Shit, all the times. I should have been better for you.”

“I don’t need you to be better. I just need you.”

Dean’s eyes shone with unshed tears. “I’m in trouble Cas. I keep thinking this is it. This is going to be the last time we share a meal and you’re going to die, again. I can’t keep going like this.”

“I know Dean. I can feel you struggling.”

“So what do we do?”

Cas took a deep breath. “We hold on. We hold on and wait for this storm to pass. And it will pass, Dean. I am not going anywhere and neither are you. We’re here. Together. Nothing will change that.”

“What if it doesn’t pass? The storm in my head?”

“It’s only been a few weeks Dean. Give it time.”

“That’s the problem Cas. How can I give it time when time is what I worry we don’t have?”

“What do you think would help?”

“Can we go somewhere?”

“Of course. You always wanted to go to the beach.”

“No, not the beach. I mean yes, eventually. But…” Dean hesitated biting his lip. “What if we moved somewhere else? Somewhere that didn’t seem so haunted.”

“We can do that. Any ideas?”

“Was thinking Michigan. Or maybe Montana? Somewhere not Kansas and not all filled with people we’ve lost.”

“Research? Or should we just start driving?”

“It’s that simple?”

“It can be.”

“What if I didn’t want to hunt anymore?”

“I like that idea very much.”

“Yeah? You’d come with me?”

“Of course I’d come with you. But I’d like to suggest something.”

“Sure, Cas. Anything.”

“How about North Dakota.”

“What’s in? Oh. Claire. God I’m dumb sometimes. Yes, of course Cas.”

“You really would be okay with it?”

“Cas I don’t know much other than I need you in order to be okay. You wanna move closer to Claire, I’m moving closer to Claire. Plus it would be good to see Jody and Donna and the girls more often.”

“When should we go?”

“Sam will be back in an hour or so. We can tell him then and leave in the morning?”

“I’d like that.”

Cas smiled at Dean, smile like a sunrise, smile like hot chocolate on a snowy day, smile like forever.

Dean cleared his throat, his brain lighter than it’d been in months, his heart wider than it’d ever been. Maybe the last suppers would always haunt him. Maybe he’d always find a bit of fear lurking in the corners of the happy times ahead. But with Cas by his side? Maybe Cas was right and it would get easier. Maybe he could hold on hard enough to the time right in front of him and really live instead of just existing.

“Can I ask you one more thing Cas?”

“Anything.”

“Wanna get hitched on the way up there?”

The answering kiss knocked the wind out of them both. Enough lasts. Dean was ready for more firsts.