#then have to ever look at a fucking TP chapter map again

[grandwretch]

#i loved the og nikki growing up and have always wanted to return to it..... but im invested in time princess now and could not afford

as a former time princess whale (I was seduced by my special interest in American Revolution heroes and Gilbert du Motier) i can guarantee you that Infinity Nikki has a better gameplay loop and is way cheaper

HOWEVER if you are a primarily mobile gamer, stick with Time Princess bc IN sucks on mobile

ifinity nikki: the only game brave enough to ask, "what if bibble from fairytopia killed god?"

[neutron-stars-collision]

The Art of Inversion

Neil x Reader

Chapter 20 - Love Is Blindness

Masterlist; Chapter 19

Summary: The confrontation by the turnstile brings more tension into the scene. You and Neil have an opportunity to talk but it goes awry...

Warnings: Swearing.

Author’s Notes: So more of that glorious outfit, am I right? (and R here does have some fun with it) And more tension because why not (plot reasons). Ever so slowly we’re getting closer till the end but before we do let’s finish the Estonian chapter. I really hope I did the scene justice... I hope you’ll enjoy! Feedback in every shape and form always welcomed! 

The ride to Sator’s compound could not possibly get longer. Or tenser. For some unknown reasons, at least to you, Neil jumped into the same SUV. The lack of space in the cramped vehicle, which was already aggravating previously, got unbearable. Ives gave you the job of checking the route to make sure you were heading in the right direction (and avoiding the police patrols), which you took as a gesture of mercy. At least it meant you had something to stare at that was not the proximity of Neil’s knee next to yours. Still, your brain could not get past the fact that his shoulder, in that bloody navy shirt, was pressed against yours. The touch that normally set your whole being ablaze was now a harsh reminder of the lie you let yourself fall for. He did not love you. What is more, your feelings for him were a mere inconvenience rather than something he treasured. And the pain of that realisation broke your heart into pieces. You were foolish and naive; it was all that could be said. Whenever your thoughts wandered onto that territory, it was hard to hold back tears.

And so, you focused all the field of your attention on the map, giving out directions when needed. The rest of the squad was quiet, as though not knowing how to react to the show you and Neil put on. You could not blame them. After all, they have heard everything and now knew exactly how badly you fucked up. The least you needed at the moment was pity. You managed well to avoid even looking in the direction of Neil. It was as though the right side of your vision did not exist. On a few occasions, you could feel him stealing glances, increasing all the feelings tenfold. But, by far, the worst part of the journey happened near the end of those dreadful fifteen minutes. Just as you have been nearing the destination, Michael made one wrong turn. With the emotions heightened, that was enough to make you lash out:

“Fucking hell! Can’t you tell bloody left from right?” yelling, you met the soldier’s wary gaze in the rear-view mirror.

“I’m sorry” he hissed as though holding back harsher words “Where do I turn now?”

“I don’t fucking know”

Your hands were shaking. The additional strain of making sure you never touched Neil in any way, even passingly, made every move more difficult. And so, when you tried to grab the paper map of the area stashed in the seat back pocket, the tablet cluttered onto the car floor.

���Christ” you seethed to no one in particular and glanced at where the device had fallen.

The perfect spot was right on Neil’s shoes. A place you could not possibly reach without breaking the no-touch rule you have set for yourself. Just brilliant.

“So? Where do we turn?” Michael’s panicked voice broke through the paralysis.

Huffing, you checked the map. But it would not do without knowing your exact location. Fuck.

“One second” grudgingly, you turned your head to the right, doing everything not to lay your eyes on that blonde head.

Or the piercing blue eyes that landed on you. You were terrified of the coldness you could see there. Or worse, the indifference. But before you could dwell on those fears for much longer, Neil did the unexpected. He placed one of the gloved hands on your forearm, stopping any movement you intended. That was enough for you to face him. And feel close to tears again.

“I’ll get it” he leaned down and retrieved the tablet “There you go” placing it in your lap you were shocked by the tenderness of his gestures.

If anything, after that argument, you expected him to never willingly touch you again. But then, supposedly, he was conflicted. Enough. Shaking off the dangerous hopefulness, you muttered:

“Thanks”

After that, you have managed to direct Michael onto the right tracks again. Only when your SUV arrived with a halt in front of the building, you had to face your new reality. Because neither you nor Neil were paramilitaries, you were told to stay at the back and only enter the space after a signal from the team. You have fucked up while exiting the car, stumbling due to the overwhelming tension and nerves. Of course, Neil noticed that, shooting you a worried look. For a moment, you wanted to scream at him, yell, burst into tears or do anything else that could show the extent of what he has done. But that would be humiliating. So you met his gaze with defiance, as though trying to say: I’m bigger than this. Bigger than you.

“Everyone ready?” Ives’ voice brought you back to the moment “On my signal” he extended a hand and then motioned for the squad to begin the action.

You watched as they broke through the door to the compound and dealt with the mercs inside. The building itself was rather mundane, with a fence separating it in half. Inversion technology more than likely. It had access to the port dock as well. After a few audible salves from the rifles and a yell, you got an ‘all clear’, saving you from the awkwardness of being stood next to Neil. Surging forward, eager to enter the building, you got stopped by a strong grip on your arm. You turned sharply only to meet those damned blue eyes looking back at you with determination:

“Let me go in first” not exactly a plea, more a command.

You have never been more grateful for the layers of clothes separating his touch from your skin. Otherwise, you could never find the spark to light the anger once again.

“Neil-” he rushed to interrupt you, but you kept talking, “I know that you’re desperate to make my life a living hell, but believe me when I say that I can handle myself” you shook off the hand still wrapped around your arm “I don’t need you” you threw all the leftover passion and fury into those four words.

For a second, Neil looked shocked. As though your outburst caught him by surprise, and he did not know how to deal with it. But then he scoffed:

“That’s-”

Somehow you knew where he was going with this.

“A lie?” you interrupted him sharply “Maybe” meeting his eyes, you shrugged casually and stormed off into the building.

If he was allowed to lie, so were you. Even if to show him that he had not won.

Could the day get any worse? The moment you marched into the room, you knew the answer to the question. A turnstile, proving window, one side tinted red, the other blue. All too familiar at this point. Space was in disarray after the storming of the building. Instantly you spotted TP, hunched by the wall, as though in shock. Glancing at the other side of the room, you could see a woman in an elegant two-piece suit. Kat, Sator’s wife that Neil told you about. She was collapsed in the chair. The bullet hole in the glass was a giveaway. You flinched. An inverted round was a messy wound to deal with. As you stared, Wheeler and Michael joined Kat on the other side:

“She’s been shot” the female paramilitary shouted to Ives.

“Get her this side” he ordered, looking around the space, collecting information, taking control of the situation “Was she shot with an inverted round?” he asked TP, and you were struck by the look on Ives’ face.

Of course. He has not seen a younger version of his boss before. To him, the man was dead. You shuddered, almost missing the moment when Neil entered the room.

“This is Ives. He’s one of us-” before you could perceive the movement, TP stood up and grabbed Neil’s shirt, pinning him to the wall.

Fuck. Your heart sped up, soaking the tension that instantly permeated the room.

“Us?!” putting Neil in a chokehold, TP spit out the words, “Who are these guys?”

From where you were stood, you could see the utter panic and anguish in Neil’s eyes. This was off the script. TP was not supposed to know and yet you had no clue how else he could be placated. Despite everything that happened in the last hour, you could feel your heart cracking in sympathy for Neil.

“Priya’s. Ours” his voice was hoarse from the grip on his throat.

That answer was as good as any. You were silently praying the boss will accept it, move on, let the farce continue. But then he spotted you, stood on the side. Shit. You knew he recognized you from the way his dark eyes flashed. More confusion, and then anger. Neil’s eyes darted to you too. Panic and desperation.

“What is she doing here?” TPs question made you both snap your attention back to him “You lied about her too”

Somewhere on the periphery of your vision, you could see the squad deal with Kat. Only Ives seemed frozen in the spot, watching the confrontation with wide eyes.

“She’s my... She’s-” Neil’s stuttering made you stare at him in shock.

My? My what?

“Yeah? Who is she?” before you could dwell on it for too long, TP’s cold eyes turned on to you again “Who are you?” the simple question made your blood turn cold.

Sighing, you came up with the only answer possible:

“I’m one of you. Same as Ives and the squad” you meet the gaze of the man in question “Same as Neil” the blue eyes were trained on you with a strange emotion visible.

“So you lied?” you could hear the remorse in TPs voice.

“I had to” shrugging, you smiled sadly, unable to meet his gaze for any longer.

You could hear the breath he let out then. Defeated and disappointed. It hurt, and you could only begin to imagine how did it feel for Neil. But it was not the end…

“How did Sator know about the ambush?” the stronger hostile edge in TPs voice made you flinch.

“Posterity. An ambush on the streets can’t stay out of the record-” the strain in Neil’s voice made you look up again.

You were shocked by the deepening horror in his eyes. This was bad. You wanted to explain everything, all the reasons why you were forced to lie. Forced to depend on half-truths you despised so much. But you could not.

“Bullshit! He knew every move we made! Somebody talked, was it you?!” the accusation was thrown with surgical precision.

Looking at them, seeing the way Neil winced as though he was slapped, you felt faint again. He broke your heart earlier, but this was unimaginable. Slowly, you felt the resolve to hurt him back crack under the pressure of the situation. It was replaced by the wish to touch him again. To give him comfort in any way you could. Even if it would mean absolutely nothing to him.

“No…no” the stuttering in Neil’s answer only increased the feeling.

Christ. Almost unconsciously, you took a step forwards in their direction. This had to end.

“At every stage, you’ve known too much. I’m going to ask you again. Did you talk?” TP kept the chokehold strong, making the blood drain from Neil’s face.

You were close enough to try to grab TP now. But one stern look from Ives made you freeze. He approached them cautiously:

“Nobody talked. They’re running a temporal pincer movement” the reluctance in Ives’s eyes was new.

None of you expected the situation to go this way. Glancing around, you could see the squad help Kat with certain hesitation in their movements. First, you and Neil arguing, and now this. God knows they needed a rest from tension and conflict.

“A what?” the confusion in TPs eyes was palpable.

Only in moments like this did you remember that this was not exactly the man who chatted to you over dinner about the algorithm mere months ago.

“A pincer movement. But not in space, in time. Half his team moves forwards through the event, he monitors them, then attacks from the end, moving backwards. Knowing everything” you could see hints of frustration in Ives’s eyes as he explained the term.

It must have felt strange to go back to the basics with the man wearing the face of one’s boss. And not only the face but also the voice, the mannerisms were all there. Making this TP seem like a clueless stand-in for the original.

“Except where I stashed the plutonium” his statement drew your attention back to the scene.

He seemed to consider his options quickly, with a certain degree of remorse in his eyes, before letting go of Neil.

“Which isn’t really plutonium, is it?” the inquisitive look was focused on the blonde man.

You saw Neil shift nervously, smoothing the wrinkled shirt fabric and taking a deep breath that he has been denied for the past few minutes. You too felt as though a weight has been lifted. At least he wasn’t being choked…

“I told you it’s what he’s after” the conflict visible in the blue eyes made you stare at him longer “And you just told him where it was” Neil was disappointed.

You realised that you nearly forgot about the actual reason for the Tallinn mission. 241, the last part of the algorithm that you could still take hold of. Well, apparently, not. A knot tightened in your stomach.

“I lied”

What?

“Jesus…” Neil swallowed hard, looking across the room at Kat on the stretcher “You lied about it?” the bitterness in his voice made you follow his gaze.

The woman was bleeding out on the gurney, scowling in tremendous pain. Your heart broke for the tenth time. No one deserved agony like that. Let alone an innocent woman, unfortunate to have married a monster. None of this was her fault yet looking at the grim countenance of Henrik you knew that she was likely to die because of it.

“He couldn’t verify from inside the room he’d have shot her anyway. Lying is a standard operating procedure” the matter-of-fact tone of TP’s voice made you stare at him with disbelief.

Surely he couldn’t be serious?

“Standard operating procedure?” Neil muttered, making you look at him again.

For a moment, your eyes met. TP has joined Ives by the stretcher, and in a second, it seemed like it was just you and Neil suspended in the space. You could easily read him now. The pain, conflict, and worry in his eyes made your head spin. None of it made sense. Most of all, the way he gazed back at you hopelessly, as though unable to tear his eyes away. He was not like that familiar stranger that shattered your heart on the Estonian highway an hour ago. But neither was he the man you considered your lover. This was something else, someone unsure of anything in his life. The resolve kept on crumbling, and all you wanted was to know his mind. To understand what was going on.

“It’s spread too far” the grave nature of Henrik’s voice made your frown deepen.

“Meaning what?” seeing the fear in TPs eyes, briefly you wondered about his attachment to the wounded woman.

He cared; that much was obvious. The only question was how much exactly.

“She’s going to die” Ives got straight to the point, increasing the tension in the room.

You wanted to have something to hold on to. But the only hand you could hold was unattainable. His dark countenance, enhanced by the red lights in the room, made the beauty especially striking. It was in moments like this that you remembered why Neil could be seen as intimidating. With the sharp cheekbones, dark irises, and clenched jaw, he was an object of awe.

“Can’t you- can’t you do something?” the panic in the eyes of your boss was a startling wake-up call.

“Can’t you stabilize inverse radiation by inverting the patient?” Neil spoke for the first time in a while, nothing but business.

For some reason, it was almost refreshing to see him back in action. You could only stare, watching the situation unfold.

“That takes days” Ives being the voice of reason, looked at TP sceptically. It did not work.

“Let’s go” your future (?) boss stared at you all with newly found motivation, pointing at the turnstile.

“We took control of this machine minutes ago. Before that, it was Sator’s” Ives sighed heavily, already tired of the situation.

You heard of this way of stabilizing the inverse radiation during training you knew that it would take a while. And there was no way of knowing whether they could be brought back then.

“How long will she live on this side?”

“Three hours, tops” the medic shrugged helplessly.

That was enough to light the fire within TP. His back straightened as he took the control back into his hands.

“I’m taking her through. I’m not going to let her die. I’ll take my chances out there”

“Chances of what? We’ve got no way of bringing you back” the skepticism in Ives’ voice made you smile in sympathy.

While you understood the wish to save Kat no matter the circumstances, it did not look doable. Or wise, for that matter.

“We find another machine” the blind conviction in TPs eyes was almost admirable.

If he only knew… It took you good few weeks to learn the locations of the turnstiles strewn across the globe. Nothing seemed close enough. Or feasible.

“A week ago? Where?” Ives articulated your thoughts with that sarcastic edge to his voice.

That was when you realised. A week ago. Turnstile. The two men with a gurney, running across the tarmac as you stared. The blue eyes that met yours across space. It was so simple.

“Oslo” you blurted out before thinking.

All three pairs of eyes snapped to you. Unconsciously, your gaze flitted over to Neil first. He looked shocked, staring at you intensely, trying to understand. Then it was TP with palpable confusion in his expression, mouth open as though he too was about to mention the Norwegian capital. Ives just looked unbothered as though he was certain you have lost your mind.

“That facility’s impregnable. It’s inside an airport security perimeter” he explained, plain and simple.

Maybe to him. Before you could open your mouth, a familiar cheeky tone pierced the silence:

“Mmmm… Not last week, it wasn’t” glancing at Neil, you saw the famous smirk grace his features.

At least that was still intact, you mused while letting yourself observe him a little longer. He caught your attention with a curt nod. Well done, at least he was impressed. But it seemed like TP was the one who liked your idea best. He gave you a small nod of acknowledgement before addressing everyone:

“We’re going in. You might as well help” that last quip, aimed at Ives, was received with a roll of the eyes and a huff.

All back to normal. Or almost normal, you remembered as Neil passed by you on the way to the stretcher. The signal was clear. The boys were heading back to Oslo, and you wondered whether you could have time to talk. To try and make sense of what happened. On the periphery of attention, you could hear Ives introducing TP to the art of inversion (as you sometimes referred to the technology in the quiet of your mind). Taking your place next to Wheeler by the gurney you soaked in the look of surprise and uncertainty on the face of the boss. This would be his first inversion. You could only hope he will take it better than you did. At the memory of that afternoon in the courtyard, your cheeks warmed up. Your racing heart, Neil pressing your palm against his chest, prolonged eye contact interrupted by the unfortunate agent. Back then, you tried your hardest not to die from shame afterwards, wondering if it has not made you seem a fool in the eyes of the intriguing stranger. Now, knowing how it looked like from his perspective, you wondered whether he did not see it as a mistake.

“Let’s go” Ives’s command threw you out of the grim thoughts.

You helped the squad wheel the gurney into the turnstile, relishing in the familiar motion and sounds. In this whirlwind of a day, something as ‘simple’ as an inversion was almost a relief. This was recognizable. Everything else was not.

Exiting the machine on the other side, you met TPs wild gaze, as he kept on staring at you and then at the proving window, where your future selves were busy getting into the turnstile. You offered him a small sympathetic smile, the only comfort you could think of. As he joined Henrik at Kat’s side, you just watched, wishing you were useful somehow.

“How long does she need?” TP asked.

“4 or 5 days. A week to be sure”

“Figure out how to get us to Oslo” TP met Neil’s gaze “I’ve got to get back out there” you could see the surprise in those blue eyes.

A hand on your arm stopped you from listening to the conversation. It was Wheeler, evidently tired, annoyed, and conflicted. You could suppose that was the general mood among the squad:

“Can you help Henrik with her?” she asked tentatively as though unsure you were fit for the job.

“Yeah, sure” you nodded, glad to be given a task “Frankly speaking, I need something to do” you admitted while dropping your voice.

Wheeler gave you a shoulder squeeze and marched off, trying to get control of the squad. You approached Henrik, offering him your services as a provisional nurse. For the next few minutes, you were relatively at peace, occupied with the task. All you had to do was to pass him the needed instruments, disinfect the wound and make the process of field first-aid as smooth as possible. Despite not knowing Kat, you hoped she would make it. Henrik has assured you that he has seen worse but also that she may need a lot of luck. And that there will be a scar. You vowed to give the woman all the remains of good fortune you had.

The other advantage of the situation was the fact that you did not have to stress over the unfolding developments. From the corner of your eye, you could see Neil talk to TP and then to Ives. The word ‘container’ was mentioned. So that was their way of getting back to Oslo, you mused while passing the surgical suture to the medic. It most likely meant a whole week (or more?) of not only not being able to see Neil but also contacting him in any way. But maybe that was exactly what you needed…

“Wheeler, brief him” Ives walked over to you, looking completely done.

“What’s going on?” you asked while taking off the latex gloves.

You have finished the task. Now it was only a matter of getting Kat changed and the container ready for the weekly stay. You could see the team busily taking hold of the needed equipment and supplies.

“TP is heading out there. No fucking clue as to why” the squad leader answered your question with a shrug.

“I see…” turning around to the centre of the commotion you could see the boss putting on the mask.

Wheeler was giving him a summary of the effects of inversion and how to survive outside. But your gaze settled on Neil, taking hold of the various bits of equipment, lost in the madness of the moment. The ache in your chest was ever so persistent. The only thing you were sure of was that you had to talk to him before they left. Even if it meant another argument. Or definite rejection.

The moment you saw TP step out of the airlock the whole squad let out a breath. At least now, you did not have to watch your every move. All that proceeded was simple. Prepare the container, wheel in cots, food supplies, water bottles, oxygen tanks and masks, protective suits. You were given the job of assembling needed ammunition and artillery in case they ran into trouble. Handling the guns and bullets never felt quite this pleasant.

“Y/N?” Wheeler’s voice made you look up.

“Yeah?” you put down the Glock, looking around quickly.

You have found a secluded spot among the rows of containers. It was ideally placed because from there you did not have to see him all the time.

“You and Neil should talk” she eyed you pointedly.

She did have a point. Since you have exited the turnstile, you only exchanged two sentences. Both of them have been related to the type of gun Neil had on him. And even then, your usual dynamic was nowhere to be found. It was all strained voices, metres of space, and awkwardness that made you want to scream.

“That is assuming he wants to,” you noticed quietly, feeling the nerves come back.

“Maybe he shouldn’t be given a choice…” the implication in her voice made you think.

Tempting, but…

“Should I just go in there and make him talk?” you looked around the corner at the chosen container.

Just as you stared, Neil entered it, carrying some crates.

“You know him best” Wheeler’s comment made you frown.

“After today, I’m not sure I know him at all”

But maybe this was your chance… You hesitated, staring at the metal box, weighing your options. Gathering courage.

“Go. I’ll tell everyone to stay away for as long as it is possible” she whispered into your ear and joined the squad.

“Thanks” you muttered and took a deep breath.

You took off the protective helmet. Some used to dress up for the battle ahead, but you chose to make yourself more vulnerable. Smoothing the hair, you stopped right at the airlock made from foil. It was unzipped, and inside you could see Neil fumbling with some equipment. Suddenly he cursed under his breath as an oxygen tank rolled in your direction. That was the perfect cue. Without announcing your presence, you entered and picked up the cylinder. He turned with a question that died on his lips as soon as he realised it was you. Bloody brilliant. Meeting his intense, gaze you took a step forward, closing the space. Only when you were within reach, you dared to speak:

“Be careful with those” you handed him the tank with a small smile.

“Thanks” was all you got in return, as Neil turned back to whatever he was doing.

From how tense he was, you assumed he expected you to leave. Abandon any foolish ideas you could have had and ideally never speak to him again. Well, tough luck. You observed his chaotical movements for a beat before saying:

“Neil,” he somehow tensed up even more, “I think we should talk” you finished the sentence, studying him curiously.

His back was still turned to you. The hand with which he was trying to attach the tanks to the oxygen masks was shaking. And all because of you. Jesus. As the tears threatened to well up again, he muttered a response:

“I’m busy” it was that constrained voice again.

As though speaking to you was painful. Contrasting that with your recent phone calls, anger flared up within your heart. He owed you an explanation if nothing else.

“No, you’re not” you wrapped your hand around his bicep, ignoring the ache in the heart “Leave it” forcing him to face you “And just look at me” you met his gaze with newly found determination.

The conflict and anguish in his eyes shocked you. You could see him hesitate, fiddling with whatever he could get his hands on. And then he exhaled, defeated. Shifting, he perched on the edge of the cot, seemingly eager to hold that conversation, only…

“We already talked” the darkness in Neil’s eyes reminded you of the hostile face he showed on the highway.

The drastic changes in his behaviour were more than confusing. Glancing down to gather your thoughts, you could feel his gaze on you. Analyzing, examining, almost caressing if it was not for the lack of affection there. He truly was a stranger.

“That... that wasn’t a conversation,” you blurted out and raised your head again 

“I hoped that you’ve got enough decency to reject me in plain terms instead of whatever it was back there”

That sentence hit the mark. Neil’s eyes widened, mouth opened and then closed. He seemed paralyzed with the implication of your statement. You were unsure whether that reaction was better than him openly admitting that everything you had was a lie. You took a step closer, awaiting the inevitable. Now you were within an arm’s reach. Just in case.

“I don’t...” he tried and then gave up with a heavy sigh.

I don’t what? It was his turn to stare at the floor. Dragging a hand through the hair, he made the strands stick up. In the yellow light of the container, they looked almost golden. Your hand twitched, wanting to smooth them. You tightened it into a fist. That was not within your rights anymore. You could feel the emotions threatening to overspill at any moment. Forcing all the strength to keep the tears at bay, you spoke:

“I’m afraid you need to be a little clearer. Because what you’re saying and doing doesn’t make any sense” your throat tightened as though acting on its own accord “I’m just tired…” your voice cracked, and you breathed out the rest of the sentence “…of not understanding” a single tear trailed down your cheek.

Fuck. That was it for pretending to be strong. You let out a shaky exhale, trying to stop yourself from crumbling in front of him. When you felt Neil cup your cheek, your heart stammered. You raised your head, glad for the gloves separating his skin from yours. The heartbroken expression in his eyes was too much to take.

“See? This doesn’t make sense” you whispered, encircling his wrist with your hand.

Once your fingers made contact with his bare skin, Neil gasped and shivered. More confusion. Touching his pulse point, you could feel the rapid heartbeat. Suddenly, an idea struck. If words were not working, then maybe… One look at his tired face made you decide. You took another step forward. His knees were touching your thighs now. Your proximity made him look up at you with bewilderment. The feeling only deepened when you took one of his hands in yours and undid the Velcro strap around the wrist. Then with a swift motion, you slid off the glove and placed it next to him on the cot.

“What…” Neil swallowed hard when you brushed your fingers over his knuckles “What are you doing?” the uncertainty in his voice strengthened the conviction.

Maybe he did not love you, but this still meant something.

“I wanted to hold your hand” without waiting for him to respond, you got rid of another glove “And to make you more comfortable” you met his gaze, shrugging.

There was something almost endearing in him at this moment. The blue eyes tinted with confusion, brows furrowed, lips parted. Hair falling into his eyes. The wrinkled shirt and the vest that was undoubtedly your very next target. Finally, the now bared hands folded awkwardly in his lap. You focused your attention on them, taking both palms into yours and tracing the tracks of his veins up the forearms. The goosebumps in the wake of your touch encouraged you to say:

“You were right about some things, you know...” looking into his eyes, you added, “If that means anything to you” you knew he caught on to the meaning because of how his cheeks turned red.

Could that be shame? Surely not. You intertwined your fingers with his, pressing your palms together, reveling in the familiarity of the feeling. It felt like a stolen moment. Something that is about to come crashing down at any moment. And yet, you could not let it go. There was still so much you wanted to do if it was the last time. Neil had no answer for you, however. He was watching you wearily, guarding you from seeing more than he wanted you to. Using his moment of reverie, you released his hands and reached around his waist for the vest straps. That was enough to wake him up.

“What the hell?” the startled blue eyes met yours.

With how close you were, your arms still wound around his waist, touching the buckles, his nose brushed over yours. It was too easy to lean in. Despite everything that he has done, the pull was still there. And so, you gave in, leaving a sweet kiss on his lips, undoing the straps at the same time. He was too shocked to react at first, staring at you. Utterly speechless. Some things never change. You took a half step back, taking out the gun and the radio from the pockets of his vest and then taking off the article itself over Neil’s head. Only once that was done, he spoke:

“Thought you wanted to talk” the spite in his voice was tangible.

And yet, as your brain helpfully noticed, he was not stopping you. He has not pushed you away. Not even now when you allowed yourself to invade his personal space. It was as though in practice, nothing has changed, but at the same time, everything has. You gave him a quick once-over and rested your hands on his knees. Simple intimacy.

“I’m the only one speaking, and I’ve had enough” shrugging, you met his gaze with nonchalance.

Using the newly found dynamic, you slid your hands higher, up the thighs. Feeling the muscles tense in the wake of your touch. There was something strange in his eyes. A hint of the passionate darkness you were used to but tainted with apprehension. And boundless struggle.

“But… why this?” he raised his hands helplessly “I’m really not in the mood” Neil looked at you sternly.

Fair enough. Lifting your palms from where they rested on his thighs, you put them on his shoulders instead. Smoothing the wrinkles in the shirt, toying with the collar. Something in his eyes shifted. The sudden softness made the pain in your chest worse. The words you tried to swallow got stuck in your throat. It was as though after this mess of a day you could no longer pretend. Not when you were alone with Neil. Not when he was looking at you as though you could be the solution to every trouble in his universe. And you had no clue why.

“As I said... you were right” you smiled nervously before confessing, “I want you”

It was simple enough to say. Suppose when one has nothing to lose, it doesn’t matter anymore. Neil’s reaction to your admission was to be put on the long list of confusing things he did. He leaned forwards and pressed his forehead against yours. Breath ghosting your lips as he asked:

“… why are you saying this now?” the hesitancy in his voice only made the feeling stronger.

You knew that there was no question of ending this moment without confessing too much. He broke your heart with ease, but he was your everything. And those feelings were hard to ignore. You met his eyes without holding anything back and touched the tie delicately.

“Suppose I’ve lost my mind” was as good an explanation as any “Can I?” you asked for permission while loosening the knot.

“Might as well” Neil nodded, and you took off the tie, placing it along with the rest of the garments.

Then you undid the first two buttons, letting your fingertips ghost over his neck and shadow of the collarbone visible underneath the material. Neil sighed and put his hand on your waist, keeping you in place. Nothing made sense anymore. It was as though after the drama of the highway and the confrontation with TP, he did not know what he wanted. You still mattered to him. But that did not explain the things he said. Or the sudden switches in his behaviour when he seemed so distant and cold. At once, you wanted to shake him, to demand answers, and to keep on touching him, exploring the familiar angles and letting yourself get lost in the moment.

“This break might do us good” he broke the silence, making you look up.

Straight into the blue eyes that always sucked you in. It was not different this time. Another confession was on the tip of your tongue. This time there was no passion to blame it on. Nothing stopping you from jumping off that cliff and falling to demise. Just you and him, bathed in the yellow light of the container. Too close for people who had nothing keeping them together.

“If you say so” you muttered and took a deep breath “Neil, I-”

“No, don’t you dare” he interrupted you harshly before letting go.

A breach. But it was nothing. Only the more reason to say it. If truly everything was beyond saving, then why not? After all, it was there. Before he could stop you again, you spoke:

“I know that you don’t want me to… but, I love you”

It was like ripping off the band-aid – sharply, with no hesitation and dealing with the ghost of pain afterward. Neil looked as though you punched him. Fuck. You knew it was a mistake, but his answer was certainly not what you expected.

“Christ… you’ve really lost it” he sighed before looking at you calculatedly “All that talking about how much those words mean to you and now-” you dropped your hands from his shoulders and slapped him across the face.

Why? Maybe hoping it will wake him. Make him admit what you once believed to be obvious. But it was all a lie. The pain was almost unbearable. The mess of thoughts and feelings making you sway as you stared at Neil. He gazed back, for once completely stunned. That was enough to find the needed words.

“And now I wasted them on the wrong person? Yes, I’m aware” you let out a bitter laugh, feeling the situation dawn on you.

You confessed the truth without anything influencing the choice, and he turned it back on you. You were the stupid one. Guilty of falling for the wrong person once again. Sentenced to live through the heartbreak while Neil would walk free, unbothered. His heart was intact, guarded heavily against the inconvenience of your love.

“It’s not what I meant” Neil’s words broke through your thoughts.

He stood up, defensive and shaken. As though he had the right. The anger burning through your veins made you advance on him again, closing the distance until there was barely half a meter of space between your bodies.

“What then?” you looked up at him, spitting the words in his face “What did you mean?”

“I… don’t know” the restraint in his eyes made you furious.

“Fuck’s sake…” cursing, you placed a hand on his chest over the heart, feeling the rapid beat.

You have had enough. Acting on the most primal of instincts, you crashed your lips into his. Fueled by the anger and desperation, you started kissing him hungrily. He did not belong to you, but you were willing to show him the extent of your recklessness. Tugging at the lower lip, you groaned into his mouth, feeling him tense up beneath your palms. Just when you were sure he was going to push you away, Neil’s hand wrapped around your waist and pulled you flush against him. He opened his lips, letting you deepen the kiss and allowing your tongues to begin the dance. You were furious, upset, and careless. That was enough to give you the courage you have never had before. Biting down on his lower lip, you felt Neil pull you even closer as though he wanted you to melt into him. You tugged sharply on his shirt collar, forcing him to bow down ever so slightly. Tangling the free hand in his hair, you drew out a moan. It only got louder as you burst the blood vessel, piercing the thin skin on his lip. The coppery taste tainted the kiss, waking up a stronger desire. You wanted all of him. Everything at once. Sucking on the split skin, drawing blood from the cut, your soul was set alight with the need for Neil. He gasped when you licked over the damage done and leaned back. His wild, dark gaze was the only sign needed to continue. You pushed him back until his legs hit the cot, and he was forced to sit down. Entirely at your mercy.

Undoing another two buttons on his shirt, you kissed him again. His hands traveled to your hips, pulling you even closer to stand between his spread legs. Breaking the contact after a long, slow kiss, you assessed your work. Messed up hair, swollen lips tinged with blood, eyes hazed with want. Not yours. Ignoring the growing ache in your chest, you kissed the sharp edge of his jaw, sucking on the skin, making him shudder. Then your lips moved south, exploring all of his neck and throat. Making sure not to leave a mark this time but still hoping Neil will understand. His hands roamed across your body, unable to find anything uncovered in the protective suit. A frustrated whine he let out when your teeth grazed over his collarbone made you stop and look at him. Seeing despair in his eyes, the breath caught in your throat. How could he not feel anything back? Swallowing the panic, you ran your hands over his chest, feeling different muscles beneath the material. Then you let your palms settle on his sides, just above the belt, and you picked up the exploration, lightly biting the skin near his pulse point. In response, Neil shivered and pulled you closer, bucking his hips into yours almost uncontrollably. You wanted him to do it again, to feel something. Anything. Even just that pure want that had nothing to do with love. You captured his lips, everything but tender and slow. It was chaotic, breathless, carnal in how you did everything to get a reaction. And it worked. Neil broke the kiss, gasping for breath, leaning his head on your shoulder.

“Christ…” he breathed out, hands secured onto your waist.

Nudging your nose with his as a means of a break, you spoke:

“If you want me to stop, tell me, and I will” you met his eyes with certainty.

Then, not letting a single precious moment go wasted, you kissed his temple. Leaving butterfly touches on the cheekbones and over the eyelids, ending with a gentle nibble of the earlobe.

“N-no” the tenderness made Neil stutter, increasing the deluge of affection in your heart.

You realised that if he asked, you were ready to give him everything. No matter the fact that he did not feel the same. You were his, and that was unchangeable. At least for the foreseeable future. With the infatuation burning through every single cell in your body, you kissed the skin beneath his ear, getting lost in the sounds he let out. If he was unwilling to give you anything else, you had to take what was there. Even if it meant nothing. As though Neil was reading your mind, he made you stop, squeezing the hand that was stroking his chest. You met his gaze cautiously:

“I can’t say it back” Neil whispered as though ashamed to admit it “Not like this”

But you knew. It was nothing new. Shaking your head slightly, you gave him the best smile you could muster.

“I know you don’t love me” placing hands on his shoulders, you noticed the denial in his eyes “But it doesn’t change anything” you shrugged and closed the distance again, “I’m still here” the last word was placed on his lips ardently.

He responded with a kiss, bringing you closer with one hand tangled in your hair. The familiarity of the moment and the terrifying implications of it all were both responsible for the tears that started falling then. The salty undertone of the next kiss was more than appropriate. Lost in the moment, neither of you noticed the footsteps:

“I’m sorry, but it’s time” Wheeler’s voice made you stumble a step away.

Blushing, you met her gaze across space. You were sure she saw enough to understand how the conversation went. Hurriedly, you brushed the tears away, acutely aware of the other pair of eyes fixed on you.

“What happened?” Neil’s hoarse voice broke the silence.

“They set his car on fire. He’s in hypothermia” you inhaled sharply at the news “You should get going” with that, Wheeler left.

For the last time, you glanced at Neil. The perfectly ruffled golden hair, flushed cheeks, dark intense gaze, partly unbuttoned shirt, hands idly folded in his lap. The object of your utmost desire and love. Beautiful, elusive, like a masterpiece that is meant to be admired but never owned. There was nothing left to say. Nodding formally, you picked up the helmet and left before the pain could get any worse.

*** There was not much time to think, as TP and Kat were packed into the container. You were busy checking everything was ready for their journey until the very last moment. When Neil zipped up the foil and motioned for Ives to close the outside door, you felt the sting of tears. That was it. And you did not even say goodbye.

The feeling got worse when Ives turned to you then, digging something out of his pocket. Without a word, he placed a set of keys on your palm:

“What’s this?”

“Neil told me to give it to you. In case he couldn’t come back with us” the leader shrugged “Before all this” he added upon your inquisitive glare.

“Right” you swallowed, feeling worse than ever.

“They’re for his London apartment. I suppose he wanted you to have them” he walked off, leaving you with the problematic set clasped in your fist.

Brilliant.