#then at least don't derail the situation to make it about your little show. the least you can do. genuinely.

[vulpinesaint]

a gentle reminder for good omens fans: this is not fucking about you. this is about someone potentially experiencing real harm at the hands of someone else and if you're making this about yourself and the show that you like then you need to seriously reassess your priorities.

[henrysglock]

how/when did your view change from basically "brenner is a nonce and i hate him" to where you're at now? not judging, i just feel like i missed a chapter

Hi Anon!

This is a super valid question, and the chapter(s) I think you might be missing are TFS and straight up fanon.

First point: Brenner is weird about kids, and I don't like him as a person

I still firmly believe filmed-canon Brenner is fucking Weird™ about children. There's no erasing the 3-legged Papa drawing from my memory, let alone all the Weird Shit re: him and Henry and the children. I still have a great deal of dislike for him/I still think he's canonically a villain. (Or at least an anti-villain/someone who does Fucked Up And Downright Evil Things while thinking they're pursuing the greater good...which actually ends up being to the Detriment of everyone involved. Smth about two wrongs not making a right.)

He does many bad things, and I don't like his behavior, but that also doesn't preclude me from acknowledging the times when he shows real grief over the past, particularly re: Henry.

For example, when I say "that's the face of a man who's missing his wife", it means "Despite the harm he did to Henry, Brenner was (on some level) affectionately attached to him, and we can see that in the way he talks about his handling of the situation/the way he talks about Henry's banishment".

It doesn't mean "Brenner and Henry had a summer wedding and everyone cheered" or "actually, Brenner is a good person who was nothing but good to Henry and the children"...because those are straight up not true statements. Brenner does bad things. Nobody likes what he's doing. Sometimes even he doesn't seem to particularly like what he's doing, but he does it anyway.

Second point: TFS vs filmed canon

Where I start to tread into a genuine grey area about his character as a whole is with TFS Brenner, because while TFS Brenner is more outwardly/verbally aggressive, he's not nearly as "evil" overall. I mean, the man can't even land an insult on Henry and have it stick, let alone do him any physical harm. TFS Brenner never whips out the sedatives or shock collar, not even when the procedure with Dimension X gets derailed and Henry's fighting his way out of the lab. TFS Brenner is so reluctant to do Henry any real harm that it's almost a little distracting at times, especially in comparison to Brenner in filmed canon.

That's not to mention there's this weird thread of:

Yes, Brenner's using Henry as a means to get at the Dimension X/the Mindflayer in a very "Captain Ahab and the White Whale" manner, but also: -- Henry is weirdly safe from the Mindflayer while in the lab right up until he "connects" to Dimension X and Patty mysteriously appears in the void with him at the exact same time/Henry doesn't have any "attacks" in the lab like he was having just out and about in "Hawkins" -- Louis talks more about there being love between Henry and Brenner than he does about there being love between Henry and Patty (pictured below) -- Henry seems to have rejected the Mindflayer at the end with prompting from Brenner by rejecting Patty the exact same way El rejects One at the end of the massacre fight (pictured below) -- Patty actually ends up doing Truly Questionable Actions consent-wise more often and with more physical severity than Brenner does/Patty has stronger ties to the Mindflayer than Brenner does

In short— TFS Brenner and on-screen Brenner are so different that I have to judge them separately. I find the former promising and the latter lacking re: Not Being Fucking Weird.

And I know you're probably like "you can excuse the ball gag thing?" to which I say: That sequence occurred 20 years after the events of TFS and "Brenner" hasn't aged a day? And he's also done a whole about-face re: Weird Romantic Things (Father and Son -> Co-parents)? Nah, baby, there's something else going on there. That's almost kind of giving the vibes of the Mindflayer impersonating Brenner, which wasn't the case before.

Third point: Fanon

I'm playing in my sandbox with Ken dolls, particularly if this ask was in reference to my fics/wips.

For example, Papa Warbucks is a

What if: -- The supernatural stuff didn't exist, Henry was just a weird kid, Brenner's dad died under "normal" circumstances/the Creel murders never happened -- Brenner didn't meet Henry until Henry was already 21, so the age gap isn't 14 and 31, it's 21 and 38, meaning everything is above-board -- Brenner wasn't ever affiliated with the CIA or DOD, so he never got the chance to even think of exploiting/skirting the legal system the way he does in canon -- All this is set somewhere between 2018-2024

type of alternate universe.

This is because I think that under the "right" circumstances, Henry and Brenner could have been a powerful/compelling duo. They do have times in TFS where they really gel as partners in crime (so to speak), so I genuinely think that if the circumstances were tweaked, even just in the way of "these two met as adults", they could have been contenders for a Valid Ship in canon (based on TFS).

Thus, the fic ends up being a would've, could've, should've type deal where things actually go well between the two of them. It's me exploring their potential personality-wise without the roadblocks canon puts in place logically/morally.

I hope this answers your question!

[yuurivoice]

Hi! I don't know if this counts as profound but I got stuck in my creative feels so figured I would share. I create a different kind of media to your awesome work, but writing's still involved.

When I start out with a story idea, I often find it being completely derailed by the characters, the more I write them, the more I get to know them, until they eventually start writing the story themselves.

Does this ever happen to you? And if so, how do you stop them from running away with it a little too much?

That's a great question, and I've talked about it a bit before because it is definitely not the way I think most people expect writers to write, I think. lol So for me, BitterSweet is a great example of how sometimes I let my stories reveal themselves to me as I go. I may go into it with a rough idea and an outline, but BitterSweet started off as "Rival for listener's affection arrives in town, creates conflict, leads to two different routes people can listen to." and we ended up nowhere NEAR that.

As I was writing Seth's introduction to the listener, it was the first time I was sinking my teeth into him and getting to know him. Up until that point it was just "he used to do crime with Alphonse and he feels like he got sold out" but I'm big on motivations, set ups, and payoffs...and his arrival didn't have enough stank on it. lmfao

As I approached the "I don't hate him, I love him" reveal gears just started turning and ideas started flooding into my head and it was exciting. Writing, sometimes, is sorta like playing a rogue-like game for me. Never know what loot you're gonna get, or what is behind the next door. At least, when establishing the story and characters.

Once I got to BS3 I was much more deliberate and my process was outlined pretty thoroughly. I made some detours (background on Charlie wasn't planned, but people's interest in him made me pivot to an entry with the Al/Seth/Charlie story) and ran into some massive decisions, but those were all primarily choices left up to me vs. letting characters show me the way.

I don't think I've necessarily ran into any character running away too much, or straying so far off the beaten path I felt like I had to wrangle them. Even if sometimes it's inconvenient for me, they haven't led me astray yet! The issue I find is that sometimes I am too ambitious in scope, or underestimate the time and effort required to see things through to the end. Sometimes that's just on me being exhausted and struggling mentally, sometimes I just get bored, sometimes I need to move on to other stuff because of timing.

So, when I'm first learning a character and discovering what makes them tick and how they fit into what I'm trying to do they definitely get in the driver's seat for a while. Once they're well established in my head though, I'm much more likely to outline, write, perform, and post without having to make many adjustments.

Now, in terms of structure and plot, that also changes as I go sometimes. For example with the spooky season AUs, I outlined three parts for each boy, and basically after the first script in each I was like...yeah okay so this needs to be tweaked. It wasn't entirely because of character, more so I didn't really know what I wanted to do with those stories until I was in the thick of things. I might go in with a plan, but as I discover what characters really want to say, how they want to act, etc. it might not necessarily reflect what I thought the plan was. Thankfully it's never TOO far off from where we were trying to go, so it's just a matter of shuffling and planning. The AUs probably didn't help a ton because while they're familiar characters, they're also entirely different in terms of motivations and situations so I have to familiarize myself with them as if they're new.

tldr: Yeah I'm changing and adapting all the time to what the characters want to do vs. what I thought we were going to do. From little things to massive things like...oh, they were lovers, oh they were best friends, oh he nearly killed someone for him, oh he's terrified of who he was and has a shitload of trauma, oh he's healing because he's been shown unconditional love, oh he's learned how to show that love to others, oh they're like a little family now.

It's beautiful because it's coming right out of my heart and soul, rather than my brain. The deepest parts of me wanted to tell that story and I didn't even know. That's art, and I didn't even know I could do that.

[the-ghost-king]

Schizophrenic Nico, here's why I think it's possible:

I want to start off by saying these are just my thoughts, there is no one way to be schizophrenic or to have schizophrenia. It's also important to note that many of the schizophrenic symptoms overlap with other mental illnesses/nuerodivergences like ADHD, Autism, Depression, and OCD which I know many people who head canon Nico as having. I'm not arguing schizophrenic Nico is more correct, more canon, or more right, but to explain some thoughts on why I think it's possible/very likely he does so I can use this for future reference in various thing.

I am using the term schizophrenia as a catchall for all "types" of schizophrenia, but not for schizoaffective disorder which I would say Nico probably doesn't have.

Children born in the winter/those who were "sickly" as babies are more likely to develop schizophrenia. It may also be possible if your mother was sick while pregnant with you, or having a father who was significantly older when he had you.

A stressful life, especially trauma, are more likely to develop schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder. It likely has something to do with excessive dopamine production, but it may also have something to do with the same genes that control the sleep-wake cycle. Schizophrenia is more common with other mental illnesses or with other nuerodivergences or developmental delays.

Common symptoms include:

Hallucinations

Delusions

Disorganized thinking

lack of motivation

slow movement

change in sleep patterns

poor grooming or hygiene

changes in body language and emotions

less interest in social activities

Now what does this mean for Nico, and why do I think it's likely he has Schizophrenia?

Let's start with Nico's childhood, "children born in the winter/those who were "sickly" as babies are more likely to develop schizophrenia". Although Rick proposed two birthdays for Nico, the fandom generally accepted the January date more fully. We also know that Nico is described as small when he was younger, smallness is common in children who grow up sickly, but it is also common in children who's mother was ill while pregnant with them. We obviously don't know if Nico was sick as a kid, or if Maria was sick while pregnant with him, but again being born in the winter makes these things more likely, as well as consideration for the time period Nico grew up in and the larger variety of illnesses going around at the time. (He is vaccinated against some things though).

Trauma and Nico... do I really have to go into super detail on this one? He spent his childhood growing up in a fascist country that was extremely racist/anti-Semitic/homophobic/etc, his mom died when he was a child- in front of him, his father intentionally gave him amnesia, his sister died when he was a child, he then proceeded to become homeless living/spending lots of time with Minos who verbally (and possibly physically) abused him, becoming aware of his past memories, becoming aware of the fact that many people hated him because of his father and because they thought he was joining the other side (therefore, he was "bad"), he fought in many battles as a child, fought monsters alone, was often faced with life or death situations, went to Tartarus alone (where the goddess of misery told him he was "perfect"), was trapped in a hostage situation with little/no air for a long time while people debated whether or not to save him, was outed against his will, was freed only to travel again fighting monsters and then win a battle, was eventually made to quest with Apollo despite still having lots of healing to do in ToN. So stressful life? Fuck yeah, that doesn't being to cover it.

Genetic factors, obviously nothing here is confirmed so I'm speculating a little bit again, but the common idea in regards to Hades children through the series is that they are "bad". Mental illnesses have been stigmatized for hundreds, if not thousands of years, and often mentally ill people were made out to be weird/bad/etc. It's more than possible there is some sort of genetic factor taking place, also "having a father who was significantly older when he had you". Although I doubt godly genes work the same as mortal ones (trust me I have lots of thoughts on how god genetics/DNA work, but that's not the point right now), I think Hades being the oldest out of all his brothers and having a reputation for having "questionable" children says something... We have no information on Maria's family history at all.

As for schizophrenia often occurring with other mental illnesses and/or neurodivergences: Nico canonically is implied to have either ADHD and/or Autism, and is canonically stated to have PTSD. I think most people would agree that saying Nico has or has had depression isn't a stretch in the slightest.

So canonically we can all agree Nico has severe trauma and coinciding mental health issues/neurodivergences, so out of 4 possible issues I’ve first presented we guaranteeably have two. If I wanted to stretch this a little I would give myself a half point for him being born in the winter and a half point for the aspect of Hades genetics but I won’t do that.

On top of that schizophrenia usually appears during teenage and young adult years in people who receive diagnosis; most people live with mental illness for a few months or a few years in some cases before they're able to receive a diagnosis. Nico being 15 (16 by the end of ToN/shortly following the end of ToN) is about the age that schizophrenia would start to make an appearance. It's also more likely to be found in men, with men also noticing the appearance of schizophrenia appearing early in their lives, and experiencing more negative symptoms in comparison to the higher commonality of affective symptoms in women. That's a really complicated explanation to basically say there's 3 more things that would make Nico having schizophrenia make more sense.

Alright, let’s go back to the list of symptoms I provided:

Hallucinations

Delusions

Disorganized thinking

lack of motivation

slow movement

change in sleep patterns

poor grooming or hygiene

changes in body language and emotions/behavior

less interest in social activities

Once again, some of these are not solely related to schizophrenia and can be the result of other mental health issues, I’m just going to go down the list and add in some moments from the books in which Nico shows some of these traits/behaviors.

Delusions/Hallucinations (more later)

Our best chances for understanding Nico's thought process is in Blood of Olympus where he has a P.O.V... Sometimes Nico's thoughts do derail, or sometimes they get a little confusing, but not always, and when talking to others he is consistent and aware of what he's saying, as well as blunt. Anything "off" about his thought patterns to me just seems like ADHD..

Dietary changes (whether or not you think he has an eating disorder) are behavioral changes (I personally think Nico has AFRID)

Within House of Hades Nico's poor sleep patterns are constantly referenced, and I'll give him a pass on poor hygiene because he's in the middle of a quest but still..

I have extremely complicated feelings on what Will says here, it's possible Nico is an extremely unreliable narrator (unlikely, it seems many people are bothered by him and only maybe a handful aren't), I've also thought at many points this was Rick trying to backtrack some stuff with Nico because he realized he'd made his story a little too harsh for a kids book, it could also be Will's trauma kicking in and that happening... I'm not counting it as full proof about Nico disliking social interactions, but Nico does try to leave even after this conversation and isn't convinced to stay until the last chapter, so maybe there's something to be said about people's dislike of him for being a Hades kid- but I think it's fair to say Nico also dislikes people at least some because he doesn't have interest in trying to befriend anyone either, and is quick to assume all people dislike him (paranoia/low self esteem/and some other possible stuff). There's lots of discussions to be had about this quote and other similar ones, and I don't think a broad brush approach of "Nico good everyone else bad" is accurate it's more, "Nico is good but he fails to try and you have to work on your own mental health everyone won just go to you, and also people dislike Nico for silly reasons and need to get over themselves and make an effort too". (I'm extremely oversimplifying my thoughts and feelings to keep it brief.)

More on delusions and hallucinations:

Now I want to state that lots of schizophrenia symptoms share a lot of commonalities with ADHD and with depression, so although I might include some moments you think are just ADHD/depression I wouldn’t necessarily disagree with you but they could also be schizophrenia or coexisting mental health issues/divergences. I also went through the DSM-5 for schizophrenia (the DSM-5 is just this big book with lists and it’s how doctors diagnose any mental health issue/divergence), I also looked through the DSM-IV (an older book from before DSM-5 which is no longer really used) and the differences between the diagnosis was fairly minimal but they quit categorizing types of schizophrenia and instead rely more on a couple of word descriptions that seem more in line with a spectrum rather than a checkable box.

In order to receive a schizophrenia diagnosis, two (or more) of the following, each present for a significant portion of time during a 1-month period (or less if successfully treated), and at least one of these symptoms must be (1), (2), or (3):

Delusions

Hallucinations

Disorganized speech (frequent derailment or incoherence)

Grossly disorganized or catatonic behavior

Negative symptoms (i.e., diminished emotional expression or avolition).

It’s important to note that only one of these need to be checked off/true if the patient has voices which narrate their actions/behaviors/thoughts or if the person has more than one voice conversing with each other.

Nico deals with auditory hallucinations (2), he believes the voice belongs to Bob, his titan friend he left in Tartarus:

However this isn’t and immediate diagnosis because Bob’s voice doesn’t talk to another voice(s) in Nico’s head, and we don’t know if Nico has voices running commentary on his behaviors/thoughts.

The reason I state we are unaware if Nico has commentary isn’t because Nico hasn’t said anything, but because many people with schizophrenia before their diagnosis believe the narrative voices are just their thoughts and are a normal internal monologue- usually patients don’t realize anything is wrong until the voices start providing commentary on their actions so instead of “washing the dishes now” the voice(s) might say “wash the dishes now, you’re so lazy you can’t do anything, idiot” during a period of psychosis which may help them acknowledge that the voice(s) isn’t the way most people experience internal voice(s). It is very possible Nico is unaware he is experiencing narrative thoughts and simply assumes that his experience is something most people have, but I won’t use this to argue my point because it’s not confirmation of anything.

Returning now to Bob, Nico knows he is hearing Bob’s voice but he believes Bob is calling to him from Tartarus. Now, Nico says the voices are calling to him from Tartarus but there’s no confirmation of this anywhere… What I think is happening is Nico has a guilty conscience. He feels bad for “using” Bob to get out of Tartarus and various other things, so he feels bad that he is still down there. However, we don’t really know if Bob is calling to him or if Bob is able to do that- what I personally think is happening here is Nico’s brain is convincing Nico that Bob needs him because Nico is upset with himself for not helping Bob more, but also because Nico has never “sat still” before without a quest. Nico has also always felt the want to be needed/important...

It very well could be a delusion.

Schizophrenic patients often experience delusions which make them think they are destined for greatness, or that they have some divine/high force calling out to them for help that only they can provide. It’s an extremely common thing in individuals who experience delusions, and is in fact one of the most common delusions experienced. So although Bob could really be calling out to Nico, I don’t think he is, it doesn’t entirely make sense and there’s lots of little things which point to it being not entirely real- like the fact that nobody else knows about it? Or how absolutely sure Nico is that he need to return to Tartarus? It seems like a mixture of PTSD, delusions, and trauma response (returning to the trauma), working against him. I’ll say delusion is very likely (1).

Using these two factors alone there’s sufficient evidence for diagnosis, but let’s keep going just to see.

For disorganized speech (3) this isn’t something Nico seems to struggle with, and even if he did “derailing” could be ADHD or Autism, so I don’t think this symptom pertains to him.

Changes in behavior (4), seem to all be explainable via depression and/or PTSD- he has begun to express emotion again in Tower of Nero upon learning of Jason’s death he is said to be upset by Will and he walks off to be alone, seems like depression to me. Emotional/Behavior changes from schizophrenia tend to relate more to bipolar disorder rather than a depressive disorder, so I would say if Nico has schizophrenia he probably doesn’t have emotional or behavioral changes from it. If he did he might have some catatonic behavior, but this seems to be clearing up some in Tower of Nero so I’m not super sure on that, maybe during bad periods of psychosis behavioral changes occur, but I would lean more towards this isn’t a symptom Nico personally deals with. Negative symptoms (5) tie into this same idea, it’s possible it’s schizophrenia, but it’s more likely PTSD or depression at work.

So why do I care so much about the possibility of Nico being schizophrenic?

I feel like canonically/fanonically making Nico schizophrenic does a few things, firstly schizophrenic rep in media is extremely extremely awful- can you think off the top of your head of a schizophrenic character who isn't from a horror film/a murder/a villain in their own story? Maybe, but personally I can only think of one which is Charlie from Perks of Being a Wallflower- and even then? That's not canon, it's only implied- and it might not even be true

Schizophrenic media representation always paints schizophrenic people as bad, scary, and evil, and although the horror genre is extremely well known for being super ableist, transphobic, racist, homophobic, and misogynistic (just the final cherry on top) having one of the first- if not the first openly confirmed schizophrenic characters in children's media not only be someone who has lots of character development, and isn't a stereotype, but also be someone people have grown up with, cared for, and sympathized with- would be extremely monumental.

People with schizophrenia and other related disorders aren't something to be scared of or to think of as bad, and often times they're more bothered by whatever they're experiencing than you are.

I don't have schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder or anything like that, but I have various undiagnosed mental health issues which often lead to me questioning reality, or having to set aside time to convince myself that no there isn't a man living in my wall... Having a character have to question those things, work through those feelings, and learn to trust themselves and care for themselves even with those difficulties would be really great to see in media, not just for people with schizophrenia but also for people with similar/related disorders who might share symptoms see parts of their own struggles in a good, educative way.

I have to finish this in two parts because tumblr keeps breaking because there's too many words in my post lmao (2nd part here)

[marsbutterfly]

The Scientist’s Gamble - Part 2

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Summary: As the formation rides out, Hanji takes a moment to meet your eyes, and you smile at her. Today is going to be a win for humanity, you think to yourself. You could not be more wrong.

AO3 Version! | Wattpad Version!

After an hour or so peacefully riding your horses towards the forest, you begin to feel the floor shaking in the distance. Not long after, the first red flare is fired. A Titan. Thinking back on your knowledge acquired studying Titans with Hanji, you know it is a 5m from the way the ground is trembling - not tall enough that it will necessarily take more than a couple of Scouts to kill, but could still cause damage if it wasn't stopped in time.

You move your face to the right, enough so you can look at Hanji to see if this is the one she wants. She shakes her head - she doesn't want a regular titan. You know that that crazy look in her eyes can only mean one thing. She's after an Abnormal. Goosebumps travel up and down your body, and you reposition yourself on your horse to face forward once again. Without even realizing it, a smug smirk spreads across your face. This is going to be so fun!

"Reiner! - " you scream. Your throat hurts from the effort you put into the sound, yet you still prepare yourself to do it again.

" - I need you to ride to the center of the formation. Inform the Commander that if an Abnormal appears, bring it closer to us. Tell them they should not kill it unless absolutely necessary!"

"Of course," Reiner screams back, allowing his cloak to fall back against his shoulders. His blonde hair ruffles in the wind, a ridiculous smile plastered across his face, "but I'm just curious," he says, and you know exactly what's about to come out of his mouth before he says it as he yells, "Who the fuck put you in charge?"

Before you even have time to laugh at his stupid comeback, the beautiful brown haired scientist riding alongside you responds, "I did!"

Eyes wide, his lips scrunch up as he turns away to avoid eye contact with you and Hanji.

"Now go, Reiner!" Hanji says.

"Yes ma'am!", is all he says before he steers his horse left and rides out of sight. He doesn't give you the chance to say anything in response.

You can feel the laughter bubbling up in your chest, from deep in your throat to burst out of your mouth. You try to hold it in until the blonde soldier is out of sight, but you know he can hear you.

Tears form in your eyes as your stomach starts to hurt. You just can't keep it in. The look on Reiner's face is the funniest thing you've seen in a long while. Once you finally manage to slow down and take a deep breath to pull yourself together, you look over to Hanji to find she's been carefully watching you the whole time.

"Thank you for defending me!", you shout, flashing her the biggest smile you can manage.

"Of course! I'm not going to let anyone undermine you! You are my second in command right now! You know me better than anyone else! That's what makes you such an amazing assistant," her grin widens, "and an amazing friend!"

You can feel the heat rising in your cheeks once again, but before you can reply, you notice something in the corner of your eye.

It's a black flare.

You and Hanji lock eyes for a brief moment before you both let out an excited scream at the same time - "LET'S GO!"

.

You can see it now. The Titan is easily 7 meters tall, if not taller. It has blonde hair and brown eyes, and a relatively normally-proportioned body and facial features, but you notice it's walking with a strange limp. At its ankles, the Titan's feet were pointed in the opposite direction they should be. Yet, it runs ahead eagerly as if nothing is different. You've never even thought this was possible.

Perfect! You think to yourself.

You stand up on your horse and switch to your 3D maneuver gear. You shoot your grapples around the top of a tree branch and swing on top to land on your feet with a sense of balance that you're proud of. Multiple horses ride toward where you and the rest of the Scouts stand above them. The massive titan follows the Scouts closely, too close for anyone's comfort, but they're not giving up.

Once the monster is close enough, you and Hanji share a look before you run towards it, preparing yourselves to jump down on its shoulders, cut off its limbs, and strap it to the floor before it regenerates.

Data collected on previous missions showed that it takes approximately 4 minutes for its arms to regenerate, but it shouldn't take you that long to trap it. You're all extremely prepared for this, you've practiced for this and almost every other situation.

Now it's the time to prove you know what you're doing - except nothing could have prepared you for what came next.

The trap used to capture the titan is a fraction of a second late. You're already in the air, arms flung back in preparation to cut its underarm when you notice something is wrong.

Everything happens in slow motion as you see it's massive arm intercept the cables of your grapples, yanking you like a yo-yo across the trees. Your body collides against one of the many enormous trees surrounding you. The pain shoots all over your body. It is too intense, and your vision gets more clouded by the second. You could hear Hanji screaming your name, but you didn't stay conscious for much longer than that.

A few minutes pass by, but the damage caused by the titan makes it seem like much longer. You could see bodies all around you, at least 10, 15. Your comrades, your friends, dead because of a mistake out of your control.

Huh?  you think, and that's all that goes through your brain at moment. There is blood dripping down your face, and you're unable to tell if it's yours, the Titan's, or to one of the many bodies lying next to you.

A 5m titan wanders closer to you with every second, and somehow you manage to pull all the strength left in you. Your body is finally forced to sit up, despite all the pain, in your head, your bones, your heart.

"Why is this happening? This is not how today was supposed to go. We prepared for this expedition for weeks!" suddenly you stop talking. Your mind starts spinning as you desperately look amongst the pile of bodies, searching for one in particular.

"H-Hanji?" you manage to force out a whisper, but as soon as you take a deep breath, all the pain you were feeling, the grief for your fallen comrades, the rage towards titans, "HANJI!"

As you become more aware of your surroundings, the warm blood dripping down your face and the pain of your broken ribs are almost enough to make you stop fighting, but a small voice in the back of your head says: You need to find a way out of this forest and back home. You can't let the titans win!

You grab your blades and swing them with all your might, trying your hardest to keep the 5M Titan away for as long as you can until you have a plan. The truth is you just can't die now, but you also can't fight for much longer as you feel your body starting to cave in. The pain from your ribs is becoming unbearable, and your lungs feel like they will collapse at any moment. With every breath is getting harder to breathe. You want to keep fighting for longer, but in your condition, it just doesn't seem possible.

It's alright Y/N, you think to yourself, Your efforts weren't enough, but that's ok. Putting the blade down, you accept your fate, but hopefully, it will be quick. You close your eyes as the massive hands wrap around your already crushed body.

"Oh no, you don't!" someone screams, and their voice is the last thing you hear before passing out once again.

.

You wake up to a bright light shining in your face. Your eyes open slowly, groggily.

Is this the afterlife? No. You can hear the saline dripping, in what kind of afterlife would you be hooked up to an IV in?

The pain in your head travels all over your body as if it's using your veins to move around. You try to readjust, but stop when a new pain shoots through your chest. You count one, two, three broken ribs. It could be worse. At least you're still alive. Your eyes slowly travel down the bruises that cover your body. Some scratches, stitches, broken fingers and toes. You are not even certain that you still have all of your teeth.

The shape beside you shifts ever so slightly, but it's enough to catch your attention. You turn to look, and into focus comes Hanji. Her head lay on her arms, which rest on top of your mattress next to your right hand. This is one of the few times you've ever seen her hair down - it looks a little messy, but it's still as beautiful as ever. Her glasses are folded on the bedside table in front of her. How long has she been sitting here?

"Han...ji..?" The effort you put into making the sound for only her name to come out is considerable. It scratches and burns, to your frustration, but the weak noise is enough to get her attention.

"You're awake!" she says as tears fill her tired brown eyes. "I was so worried about you - please don't ever do that to me again!" A small hiccup forms in the back of her throat. Her lower lip quivers.

The mere sight of Hanji crying is enough to shatter your heart. You try your best to comfort her within your confines. You reach to touch her hand, eyes softening. The sharp pain of your ribs again forces you to gently recline your back on your pillow once again, but you hold her hand tightly.

"What happened?" you ask.

"The Abnormal we were trying to trap moved faster than anticipated it would. The soldiers fired the net approximately 1.9 seconds late but it was enough to derail the entire plan."

She lifts your hand to plant a kiss on it, almost like she was buying herself time before she had to tell you what the rest of the losses were. Flashes of memories come back to you snippets at a time, not enough to give you a full understanding of what happened, but enough to make your heart sink.

Hanji continues, "Your jump would have been perfectly timed if everything had gone according to plan. When the Titan got out, it tangled your line, and you went flying into a tree." You remember the pain you felt at that moment, you've never felt anything like that before. You could remember clearly the sound your ribs made as they broke.

"After that, it became clear to everyone that our mission had failed, and by the time Commander Erwin gave the retreat order, the Abnormal had already eaten everyone around you. Your body was laying among all the corpses around you and I thought I lost you forever -" Hanji abruptly cuts herself off. She catches her breath and closes her eyes to compose herself.

"I heard you scream my name. I ran back to find you, and you were in the Titan's hand. I couldn't let that happen, obviously. I cut off its arm and caught you while Captain Levi went for the nape. I carried your body to the medic's cart, and I haven't left you since."

"How long?" you croak.

Hanji sighs, "Four days."

"And you've been here the whole time?"

Hanji smiles. "I only left for bathroom breaks."

You roll your eyes, but for a few moments, you forget about the pain covering every inch of you. You were never one for impulsivity but now, your body moves on its own. You're more than familiar with how this scene plays out - you think about it constantly. Your hands shake, and you feel your nerves getting worse the longer it takes.

You've been wanting to do for this for years, and now you have the perfect moment. After what happened, you need to kiss her, even if it's the only time you ever do. So, gently but quickly enough that you can't take it back, you grab her face and pull her to your lips. As they seal together, Hanji is taken by surprise, but just as quickly melts away in your embrace. She places her arms on your shoulders as you deepen the kiss.

It's exactly the way you imagined it would be. Goosebumps rise on your body in response to her soft breath against your mouth. A tiny sob escapes your lips as you're all at once reminded you of how much it hurts to move. But that doesn't stop you. After what feels like hours, you pull away reluctantly. You don't want this moment to ever end.

The bright red blush covering her cheeks makes her look even prettier than usual. She gently touches her lips, looking off into the distance like she's lost in thought.

You pull her back into the moment "Squad Leader..." you begin, taking a deep breath and forming fists with your hands. You gather every ounce of courage you have in you. It's now or never. "I've been in love with you for quite some time, and I should've said something before but I was scared."

Once you've started talking, the words pour out of your mouth.

"Now that I almost became Titan food, I don't want to keep it in any longer. I love the way your eyes sparkle when you're talking about Titans. I love the way your hair falls over your shoulders when you're training, and the way you adjust the straps of your glasses. I could sit here and list everything that's great about you because you are the most amazing person I have ever met."

Your hands start to shake, and your throat burns with effort, but you push out your most important statement. "I'm deeply and completely in love with you, Hanji."

Her mouth hangs open slightly.

Did I just make a huge mistake? It doesn't matter - I had to get this off my chest, you think to yourself.

She's extremely quiet for a few seconds - no more than a minute, but enough time for you to start panicking.

"Since when?" she asks.

"Since I listened to your guest lecture on titans when I was still in the Training Corps."

"Why haven't you said anything up until now?"

You can't help but laugh. "Everyone in the Survey Corps, and probably everyone in the entire military already knows. I just assumed you weren't interested."

"Huh?? I've never noticed!!" she says, waving her hands above her head. You laugh again as you readjust yourself on the bed. "But now that I think about it, I guess you did hug me a lot for no apparent reason... and Erwin did insist that you be my assistant..." she counts off on her fingers, "and you always blushed when I touched you and - oh wait."

She looks down at her legs, her fingers flying to fidget with her hair. "I can't believe I didn't notice..." Her blush spreads deeper once the realization hits her. "The truth is, I've been liking you too, but I thought you liked Captain Levi, or Eren."

You wrinkle your nose, shaking your head. Hanji laughs, standing up to wave you over to the other side of the bed. She lies beside you on the hospital bed, placing her head on your shoulder while carefully lacing your fingers together. She's careful not to bump your injuries. The smell of her hair awakens the butterflies in your stomach, and you place your chin on her head to wrap your free arm around her shoulder.

"I'm glad you're alive." Hanji says. Her voice is barely audible, her words meant for you alone. "From now on, I won't leave your side. You'll be out in the forest killing titans in no time."

You smile. "Right now, there's no other place that I'd rather be than right here next to you." She looks up at your face, flashing you a grin before she pulls you closer, and your lips close against each other once again.

.

A week later, you listen to birds chirp outside of the window while you read your book. The sunlight feels warm and nice against your legs, and the rare silence you're in is much appreciated. It doesn't last long.

"Y/N!!!!!!!!!"

The door barges open to reveal a gaggle of teenagers stumbling over one another.

"Y/N! I WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU!" Sasha yells as she runs to hold your hand, but her attention quickly shifts to the half-eaten bean soup on your bedside table. She looks at the soup, and then at you once again.

"You can have it, Sasha," you say with a smile, gesturing to the small bowl. The starved brown-haired girl doesn't lose a second and instantly starts to devour it. A giggle escaping your body as you watch her.

"How are you feeling?" Eren asks before sitting on the bed.

"I'm alright, but I'll need to stay behind during the next few expeditions. I should be good as new in a month or two!"

They stay with you for a little less than an hour, telling you all about their experiences with the failed mission. You find out from them which soldiers were lost and which were injured, along with other small details Hanji didn't mention.

A knock on the door causes all eyes to turn away from you for a moment. Hanji starts to enter, and then gasps as she realizes you have guests.

"Am I interrupting something?" she asks.

You flash her a caring smile while reaching your hand out to grab hers. She blushes slightly, but sits beside you. "Of course not. I was wondering where you were," you say. Mikasa makes eye contact with you, and then looks pointedly at your hands as they sit clasped. You blush too.

"Meeting with the Commander," Hanji sighs, "It went on for longer than expected, I'm sorry."

You could hear the giggles coming from your friends as their eyes rest upon you and Hanji.

"We should get going now, but we'll be sure to come over again soon!" Armin says as he and Mikasa push the rest of the group through the door.

Hanji leans forward to kiss your forehead. You close your eyes, and when you open them, you meet Mikasa's emotionless gaze from a crack in the doorway, Hanji's lips still on you. Your eyes widen, but Mikasa just nods, face unchanged, and closes the door behind herself.

"They're good friends to you," Hanji says after a few seconds.

You smile."They're also a handful. But yeah, you're right."

A long, rather comforting silence passes between the two of you. During the silence, you take time to focus on how soft her skin feels against your fingers, tracing the visible veins on her hand as your mind drifts away. You're pulled back to reality as soon as you hear her voice.

"It's a beautiful day outside, would you like to sit on the grass with me?"

.

The breeze rushes through your messy hair as you adjust yourself on top of the blanket. You squint your eyes and places your arm against your forehead in an attempt to keep the sunshine from hurting your vision.

"There's something I want to ask you, Hanji," you mumble.

"Yes?" She inquires, tilting her head while looking at you.

"Do you want to be my girlfriend?" The expression on your face remains the same as when you had been peacefully basking in the sun, but you can hear your blush rushing, heart pounding in your ears. She looks away while blushing, and you're able to notice a smile appear on her face.

"There's nothing I would like more," she says, turning to face you once again. "Well maybe an abnormal, but I do want this a lot."

"You're impossible!" you say while gently pushing her arm.

As you two laugh, your bodies get closer as if they are moving on their own until your lips are sealed in a love-filled kiss. You wrap your arms around her neck while she grabs your hips, slowly pulling you onto her lap.

"I'm in love with you, Hanji." you whisper against her lips, not wanting anyone else to hear these words but her.

"And I'm in love with you, Y/N."

You hug her tightly, feeling her hair against your face as the smell of her shampoo fills your nose. For the first time since you started to prepare for the now-failed mission that led to your injury, your body isn't in pain anymore. You can relax in Hanji's arms, knowing that your long time crush is finally your partner. You can worry about researches and experiments and missions later, right now all you need is Hanji.

"Let's stay here for a little while longer," she says before resting her back against the grass, carefully pulling you towards her. Your head rests on her shoulder as your fingers lace together, a feeling of peace takes over your body knowing that from now on, you'll have her by your side no matter what.

"Yeah... I would like that." You say as you close your eyes, focusing on her breathing as the warmth of the sun and the gentle breeze lull you to sleep. Maybe the next time Hanji comes up with the idea to capture another titan, you'll stay in the lab instead.

[iacon-stargazer]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE: MUN & MUSE

fill out & repost ♥ this meme definitely favors canons more, but i hope oc’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. multimuses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

tagged by: stolen from @oneshallfall like.... months ago. im a slow gremlin hjksd. it's been in my drafts and i finally decided to finish the last few sections while working on clearing them out

tagging: steal it

MY MUSE IS.   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless

is your character popular in the fandom?  YES / NO.

is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  Well.../ NO / IDK. (i know optimus is but i don’t really... know about orion? i have seen a handful of fanartists who turn him into a very sexualized moe baby but i’m not sure about the fandom at large)

is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK.

are they underrated?  YES / NO. (lmao there’s like no fan content with him unless it’s with megatronus) 

were they relevant to the main story?  YES / NO.

were they relevant to the main character?  YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

are they widely known in their world?  YES / NO. (not yet.... lol)

how’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL.

HOW STRICTLY DO YOU FOLLOW CANON?

This... this is a trick question in this goddamn mess of a continuity. That said, I try my absolute best to make my portrayal coherent with the TFP show... even if said show contradicts itself at times. I take inspiration from the earlier parts (the thirteen primes section) of the Covenant of Primus for his origin backstory, but ignore the rest of the Covenant since it makes absolutely no sense with his characterization in... literally anything else. I’ve peeked at Exodus and it utterly sucks, but I’ve picked up bits and pieces of concepts that originated there just from spending time in the fandom. Aside from that... I spend a ton of time thinking about how to weave everything together in a way that both makes sense and makes for a character development arc.

SELL YOUR MUSE! (aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.)

Orion is genuinely kind, thoughtful, and introspective, very loving of the world around him.

He’s also a more complex character than is initially obvious - despite mostly being good sweet pure baby nerd he’s still flawed, with many of those flaws being his strengths put into the wrong situation. His strong morals can lead to dogmatism, and he’s only slightly less likely to deliver lectures than Optimus. His determination to be kind and help everyone can come off as unintentionally patronizing at times; he has a very “well-intentioned semi-privileged middle class” perspective that he’s not always self-aware of. However, he’s also willing to look at himself critically and learn/adapt. 

Essentially, he has many of the same traits as Optimus... just more or less apparent and/or developed. He's less confident than he eventually becomes through his future experience with leadership, wanting to change the world for the better but sometimes struggling to ground his plans in reality—something that continues to apply, but with reduced intensity and frequency over time. Idealistic cinnamon roll will eventually develop some realism, though never really quite enough. His selflessness remains a strength for now, but we know that eventually it will dip into martyristic tendencies.

NOW THE OPPOSITE! (list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?)

He could be potentially ‘boring’ in some senses. he’s the polite, considerate ‘next door’ type, who has for most of his life has just lived as a very average middle caste nobody. He’s more laid-back than he eventually becomes as optimus, but where others might get into trouble and shenanigans he’s most likely to just express concern. And since I try to keep him at least mostly ic, even with non-serious posts, this can derail ‘fun’ stuff and I fear dissuade some interaction.

While I try my best to give him realistic flaws that work with his character, he could still be seen as a little too good. very kind, understanding, forgiving, patient, considerate... almost endlessly so. A lot of my “he’s so good and pure” interpretation comes from using his having been the thirteenth prime as backstory, where he was pretty much the epitome of that, but some might not like the “he was a literal deity in a past life” idea for its “super special chosen one protagonist” elements.

His responsiveness to his environment can also be a downside. He’s not the type to start things; he just reacts and responds, standing his ground and finding himself when things get crazy around him. without megatronus, he may have eventually attempted political campaigning, but it wouldn’t have gotten very far. He needs to have more intense characters or events around him for major plots to really go places. Without those nothing would ever happen besides slice of life fluff, because he’s content with that kind of life.

WHAT INSPIRED YOU TO RP YOUR MUSE?  

Honestly I just wanted to write op/ratch fhsjkdjsdh. But I also wanted to be able to interact with a variety of muses and so I chose Orion over Optimus because he’s not so emotionally closed off, which I figured would give more flexibility beyond the handful of characters op would reasonably have close personal and/or plot-important relationships with. Also, I can relate to him on a thought-process level which lets me get into his head easily, which additionally made him an appealing choice for my first real rp muse.

WHAT KEEPS YOUR INSPIRATION GOING?  

I just love him so much, especially with the layers of his character I've built up around him. I don't always have inspiration to write or rp, but I think about him a lot. When I do find motivation to write, it's generally out of wanting to continue to work on developing him and just having a chance to express his characterization.

SOME MORE PERSONAL QUESTIONS FOR THE MUN.

do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO.

do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO.

do you sometimes write drabbles? YES / NO.  (i should do it more...)

do you think a lot about your muse during the day? YES / NO.

are you confident in your portrayal?   YES / NO. (at least most days fhsdhfskj)

are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO. (it waxes and wanes. I know I'm a good writer but I could still be better...)

are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO.

DO YOU ACCEPT CRITICISM WELL ABOUT YOUR PORTRAYAL?

I’ll be honest; I’ve never gotten criticism. I haven’t been here very long in comparison to some and I’ve never been that popular, so I figure I’m pretty easy to just ignore. I guess how I would feel about it would depend on what it was and how it was delivered, though I like to think I would be reasonable regardless

DO YOU LIKE QUESTIONS, WHICH HELP YOU EXPLORE YOUR CHARACTER?  

yes? yes absolutely?

IF SOMEONE DISAGREES TO A HEADCANON OF YOURS, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?  

I would be curious to hear their reasoning, but I think enough about how everything fits together that chances are I would agree to disagree

IF SOMEONE DISAGREES WITH YOUR PORTRAYAL, HOW WOULD YOU TAKE IT?

Depends on if their disagreement makes sense. Maybe I’ll give back my own reasoning for why I characterize the way I do. Maybe I’ll just agree to disagree, if their view is just totally different from mine. If they have valid points I’ll probably overthink it and spiral into self doubt. In all cases I’ll spill my thoughts to friends on discord.

IF SOMEONE REALLY HATES YOUR CHARACTER, HOW DO YOU TAKE IT?

......Orion in general or? ... fhsjkdhf...... Well if it was mine specifically that might hurt lol. But at the same time.... I doubt i’d agree with their takes either so... fair enough.

ARE YOU OKAY WITH PEOPLE POINTING OUT YOUR GRAMMATICAL ERRORS?  

Sure. I’m good at grammar so if something glaring is there it’s probably a typo I missed and I’ll be grateful for the chance to edit it out before more people see it lol

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE EASY GOING AS A MUN?  

Yeah. I’m pretty quiet most of the time because I just don’t have energy to talk to a lot of people, and I never want to get caught in drama. I honestly wouldn’t know what to do in a situation like that. I tend to avoid conflict, I’m quick to apologize, and polite with anyone I don’t know very well.

[everwitch-magiks]

dance with somebody (ch. 22)

start from ch. 1 | back to ch. 21

It's 13:52 on Sunday afternoon when Whiskey knocks on the open door to coach Hall's office.

"Do you have a minute?"

Coach Hall looks up from the folder he's browsing through. If he's surprised to see Whiskey wearing jeans and a hoodie when practice starts in less than ten minutes, he doesn't show it.

"Connor. Good to see you." Coach Hall sets the folder aside. "Will mentioned that you had something very urgent come up, this week."

"That's right." Whiskey closes the door behind him and sits down in the chair opposite coach Hall's desk. "I'm sorry I had to be absent at such short notice."

"No notice, is more like it," coach Hall points out. His tone is not unkind. "I hope, Connor, that you feel comfortable talking to me and Murray when there's something that you're dealing with. We're always here to support you, you know."

"... Right." Suddenly, Whiskey wonders why he hasn't once considered the idea of talking through the situation with his coaches. That might've actually helped him figure things out, sooner. "Yeah, of course."

"Well," coach Hall says mildly. His expression is tentatively curious. "Was there something specific you wanted to talk about, today?"

"Actually, yes."

There's really nothing left, now, except to come right out and say it.

"I just turned down a six-figure contract with the Houston Aeros."

Coach Hall sits up a little straighter.

"Connor," he says, almost sharply. "Connor, that's… That's a really big deal. And certainly not just financially."

"I know," Whiskey agrees. "It would've been. But I've thought about it a lot, and realised that it's just not right for me, right now."

Coach Hall opens and closes his mouth, twice. He's frowning slightly.

"Are you sure?" he asks, a little wearily. "Are you absolutely sure? You do know just how big of an opportunity this is?"

"No, I know. And I'm sure." Whiskey actually smiles. "Going to Houston this week has reminded me that I'm actually exactly where I need to be, right now. Their team is very good, and I did appreciate the ambition of the Aeros's organisation, but there are many places I could play that meet those exact requirements and Samwell happens to be one of them. Besides, there’s still so many things that I'm learning, here, that I honestly don't think I could truly develop anywhere else. I've come so much further with how I think about teamwork and leadership, but at the same time I feel like I've only just scratched the surface of all of that, and I just… I'm not done, here. No matter what comes next, I know I need to finish this chapter, first."

 Whiskey falls silent. Coach Hall watches him for a moment, before he responds. He's smiling, now.

"As long as you're sure," he says warmly. "Obviously, we would absolutely hate to lose you. It'd be such a nightmare, trying to get this team to have some semblance of direction without you."

"Oh. Uh. Thank you, I guess." God, Whiskey is definitely not used to coach Hall looking so openly proud and emotional. At least not when they're not winning NCAA championships together. It's more than a little unsettling. "Jack Zimmermann says hi, by the way. He thinks I should probably start to consider getting myself an agent."

"Don't tell me those Falconers are after you, too," coach Hall says amiably. "Our dear Jack definitely makes a good point, though. You know, me and Murray could actually help you look into all of that. If you'd like us to?"

"Oh," Whiskey says again. Another possibility he's never once entertained. What was it Dex said at the beginning of this week, about relying on all of his support systems? "Actually, that would be so great."

"I'll make a few calls," coach Hall promises. "Right now, though, I believe you and I both have practice to attend."

"Actually, I'm going to need to sit out, today," Whiskey says quickly. "It's been a pretty rough week. But, uh, I'd really like to just speak to the team, first? Just quickly. I promise I won't keep them for long."

Coach Hall smiles again.

"Of course. That's perfectly fine. Go on, then, Connor."

When Whiskey enters the locker room, the ongoing conversation immediately quiets in a way that isn't exactly subtle. Pips is looking at him, and so is Louis, and when he makes no move to change into his hockey gear, he soon captures the full attention of at least half the room.

"Can I talk for a second?"

It's maybe a silly thing to say, given that most of them are clearly listening to him, already, but it still makes the energy change significantly. There's something expectant in his teammates's expressions as they all turn to look towards him. It's almost like they've been waiting for his moment of truth this entire week. Which, Whiskey belatedly realises, they actually might have been.

Well. Nothing else for it.

"I'm going to sit out practice, today. I've had a bit of a week, and I honestly just need to go and crash. But first, I really want to get you guys in the loop about something that's been going on, now that it’s all settled."

Whiskey pauses. Making the call to Houston was tough, but this is somehow turning out to be much more nerve wracking. Which doesn't really make any sense. This is supposed to be the easy conversation, the one where he doesn't need to deliver any bad news.

Whiskey takes a shaky breath. If he just gets this over with, he can finally get some actual fucking sleep.

"I’ve just spent four days training with the Houston Aeros, who have offered me the opportunity to sign a contract with them, which I’ve decided to decline. So, that’s that."

A few seconds pass as the entire team stares at Whiskey in silence.

"Wait," Joyo says slowly. "The Houston Aeros? Like, the NHL team?"

Whiskey has to bite back a smile.

"No, the other Houston Aeros," he says, just a bit dryly. "Yes, Joyo, the NHL team."

"What the fuck, man," Louis says. He looks oddly impressed. "That sounds pretty big."

"Yeah," Bully chimes in. "That sounds very big. Extremely big. Are you, like, completely sure?"

There's something of a murmur of agreement.

"I'm sure," Whiskey says firmly. "There are obviously a lot of pros and cons, but ultimately-"

"What if you regret it?"

It's Pips who's spoken up. He looks a little more shaken up than the rest of them, and there's a definite quiver in his voice as he continues.

"Playing in the NHL is what you want, isn't it? What if you stay, to play here with us, and we don't… And it ends up not being worth it, in the end? What if we're just holding you back?"

"Hey, no. No." Impulsively, Whiskey takes a step forward. "Look. I've never thought more about anything in my life, and I've honestly never felt more certain about a decision. Not ever. Please try to believe that."

Pips doesn't look like he believes that. He looks more like he's about to fucking cry. Whiskey desperately tries to recall everything he managed to tell coach Hall just minutes earlier, all those perfectly coherent thoughts and reasons he's settled on after a whole week of careful consideration. He fails. It's like those words don't even exist inside his brain, anymore, now that Pips is looking at him like Whiskey has just made his entire world fall apart.

The words that do come to Whiskey are a lot more vulnerable than he’d ever thought he might find himself comfortable with.

"You know, it's actually kind of funny." Whiskey smiles, helplessly. He knows he must be looking all soft around the edges, and there's a very poorly concealed tremor in his voice. He still carries on. "I've realised so much, this week, but it hasn't been about hockey, or even about the reality of going pro. Honestly, it's been more about all of you. You guys have all taught me so fucking much, and every time that I stepped out on the ice in Houston, I just… I felt that. It was like I was carrying that with me. Like I was carrying you with me. You guys make me better, always, and there are still so many ways that you're helping me grow. And the thing is, I'm not anywhere near ready to let that go. Maybe I should be, maybe it'd be smart or whatever, but I'm just not, and I'm the only one who gets to make that call. So, I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying. I'm going to be a senior on this team, and I'm going to graduate."

He pauses briefly. It's not like his words have the exact effect he hoped for – Pips is actually crying, now, for one – but Pips has started to smile, too, and so have many of the others. Tango is wiping at his eyes, and Ford's got an overwhelmingly fond expression, and Dex is looking all sorts of proud and pleased and emotional. Fuck. If Whiskey doesn't manage to lighten the mood, somehow, this is definitely going to derail into some sort of collective crying session.

"And we're going to take this thing all the way through the fucking playoffs!" he adds, with as much energy as he can manage. "Right?"

There's a few whoops of approval and some much needed laughter. Pips is still crying, though, and actually, so is Jader. And suddenly, both Dex and Ford are getting up to give Whiskey a hug. Soon, there's an actual fucking line forming.

He’s not crying. He’s not.

"If you weren't already fucking locked in for the captaincy," Tango says under his breath when they hug, "This would've sealed the deal."

The team doesn't make it out on the ice for quite a while. Their coaches don't come looking for them, though, most likely because Hall probably had a hunch something like this might happen. He can be awfully perceptive, sometimes.

"I carry you with me," Louis quotes, grinning. They've all settled down a little. Emphasis on little. "Is that gonna be the new got your back, now?"

"Nah," Ford says. She sounds surprisingly confident. "It's just different words for the same thing."

"Is it, though?" Louis wonders thoughtfully.

"It is," Whiskey admits. He's finally managed to sit down. "It absolutely is."

"Dude," Hops says eagerly. He’s looking at Whiskey with something like actual excitement. "You've got to give us the scoop on the Aeros."

“Oh, yes!” Joyo agrees enthusiastically. “Oh my God. Start with everything.”

“What’s their usual practice like?”

“Are they even any good?”

“Think they’re gonna make the playoffs?”

“That signature play, when Ducky passes to Lacer as he's moving down the ice without as much as a glance over his shoulder. How the fuck do they time that?”

Whiskey smiles.

“They don’t. Time that, I mean. They just fucking shoot, and then pray, and somehow, it connects. But no, I don’t actually think we’ll be seeing them in the playoffs. They’re very good, and some of their defensive plays are really something, but their best forwards are gonna be out for a while and they’ve got a little too far to catch up. But, uh, maybe don’t tell Ducky I said that.”

“Whiskey,” Pips says admonishingly. He’s actually full-on grinning, now – finally. Whiskey is so relieved, his eyes almost water all over again. “When and where, exactly, did you imagine that we’d all be exchanging chirps with Ducky?”

“Um.” Whiskey hasn’t been sure of when he should mention this part. Apparently, there’s no time like the present. “At our next game? I ended up getting a couple of the guys tickets. And actually, I sort of already promised Ducky that I’d get him a signed Samwell jersey, so. You guys all better have my back on that.”

It takes about five seconds before the room collectively loses it.

ch. 23

[justanearth-boundmisfit]

I like Misha and his dedication to his charities and anti-Trump activism, so I don't say this as a hater. I think you're right to think of j2 as a unit separate from Misha. It's just how they are. And I think that anyone who is looking for something different than that is going to end up disappointed.

Hi anon! I agree with you almost entirely. Also I get what you say. Imho we can’t expect the same from people SO different like them2 and Misha are. 

Under the cut, because it got reaaaaaaally long, can’t edit even if my life is on the line

Let me explain: Misha comes from a totally different background, we all know that, we know that his past was difficult. And that changes you in life. Generally, because it doesn’t happen to all of us, your view of life changes 100% when you are poor af, when you can’t choose what to eat, what to wear, when you have to count the cents just to make a meal. Misha political activism, imo, comes from that, and all his efforts and charities center on that, because HE FUCKING LIVED IT. Now, I’m not saying that privileged people can’t be activists, that would be obtuse on my part and really stupid. But in the case of them2, it’s not that they dgaf, it’s just that they live in a totally different world (John Mulaney has a really nice speech about famous people on Kid Gorgeous about this). And that would be ok, everybody is free to do or not to do, to think different, and yada yada yada. But the thing is that they are SO out of touch, that they became a little insensitive about political matters. 

Remember when Trump won, and Misha did that video crying and break all of our hearts? What did Jared say in the next convention: “ Oh I asked did Misha died?! *laughs*” And it was not the first time, and apparently not the last, that they both mock or laugh about really serious situations. You can tell me: “you take things too seriously” and yes, you might be right. But you have to be blind to not know, even before the elections, what a fucked up storm Trump was going to be, and all the efforts Misha did campaigning for Hillary was to stop him. Because the man KNEW, what a nightmare it was going to be. And here we are now. And no, I’m not American, but a guy that is so derailed like Trump holding nuclear codes fucking affects me too. Not to mention what he is doing to minorities, and I’m part of many. I’m latina, I’m pan, I’m a woman. All that the fucker is doing affects me, and also I suffer for the people that he is hurting and making their lives a living hell. That’s called empathy, Misha has TONS of that. The man can be comfortable in his house, with his family, enjoying his, now, privileged life, but instead chooses to expose himself day after day, working his ass off, giving his own money and in general getting tons of hate because he should “stick to acting”. Is he perfect? NO, he is human, but we have seen him learning from his mistakes, and really Misha’s flaws comparing to all that he does? Well, call me biased, because I am. But I recognized that he is flawed. Because he is human as we all are. 

But going back to empathy, I think is what them2 don’t have, at least about certain political matters. Sorry not sorry. If they are going to stay away from political issues, they should stay away from everything, they don’t want to speak? I don’t think it’s ok, but I think it’s their right. But if they do it they should be mum about ALL, not just when it’s convenient. The mayor of Austin throws them a party, then they all came out supporting him, but zero about the RAICES campaign that Felicia Day was doing. They take pics with girls with blue lives matter t-shirts, and ok the girls had lost their dad, I get it, but then Jared goes and tweets about it and go police! when you have to live in another planet to not know how police brutality is affecting poc in America, but they never said anything about it. Natural disaster in Texas? Yay! Go RA! Natural disaster in Puerto Rico? I think I saw ONE post about it from Jared. Not to mention how little to none support they gave to Nicaragua, Haiti or South Africa. So what gives? Yes to talking, not to talking, they stay away or not? Yay! to the Mark Pellegrino idiot only love campaign, after he defended Travis Aaron Wade, but nothing about Misha’s I Wish For This? Allow me to be a little mad about all of this.

They live in Texas ffs, they don’t want to talk about the border hell lots of people and most of all CHILDREN are living? Ok, again it’s their right, but oh here comes the absolute out of touch with reality, (that so many cult followers, I mean fans, want to justify) and we all should be hahaha! Jared, you are so funny? Nop, sorry can’t do. 

This fandom has the big problem of wanting everything to be shiny and perfect, when is really far from it. It’s the most fucked up fandom I have been part of (and trying to get out little by little), and there’s ONE big problem here: to not accept criticism. Everything is hate. Their golden gods can’t be touched, because they can’t do no wrong. And that’s so fucked up. Them2 are also human, and they also make mistakes, of course. What’s fucked up is when those mistakes came from lack of empathy to certain matters. And what’s more fucked up, it’s people not seeing others getting hurt by that, and calling them haters, stupid, idiots, and insults galore, just because they are calling out Jared idiot joke. And also because it’s not the first time, and sadly I don’t think it would be the last and people are just fed up with their bs.

But yes you are right, at this point we should not expect things from them that they are not willing to give or that are just not in their personality. I certainly don’t expect anything from them, because, like I said so many times, I don’t follow them, they are not my cup of tea. In my case is more about fandom willing to justify any shit from them, and in the process playing positivity police and showing badges, when people are just saying: hey! that was not ok. 

Sorry it got long, gods I should buy edit skills somewhere. And just tbc: I’m not saying all of this because of your message, like I said, I got you perfectly, and I think you mean well, but as usual it gave me an opportunity to vent, sorry :/. 

Take care anon.

[7fics]

I've had so many hostages before and you're by far THE WORST HOSTAGE EVER. I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE UNCOMFORTABLE BC YOU'RE A HOSTAGE

Warnings: Lots’o cursing, innuendo, some (fairly minor?) violence/threats of violence

Author: TJ

Word Count: 1.7k

A/N: This fill gave me more trouble than I thought it would OTL thanks Mno for helping me plot (even though I still derailed from my plan HAH) But writing struggles aside, I hope this came out at least somewhat entertaining? ^^;;

~~

“We’retrying, okay, we’re trying. But we didn’t - power didn’t completely - enoughtime - delete the - hasn’t - it - ch - tttssssss-”

Jaebum grimaced, dropping hiswalkie back into his pocket, fully muffling the static-y voices. Not that itmattered much, given he wasn’t able to understand the words being spoken eitherway. The reception was absolutely terrible within these thick, concrete walls.

“Mmmmmph! Mmph mph mphhhh! MMPH!”

Jaebum’s frown deepened into ascowl as he turned his attention to the gagged man on the other side of theroom, though the cap pulled low on his face probably didn’t allow hisdispleasure to be fully communicated to his captive.

The other man was young, strong,and stockily built, having put up quite the resistance in their tussle not toolong ago. If his security guard uniform was anything to go by, he’d probablybeen trained to deal with such situations.

Jaebum’s greater height gave himthe ultimate advantage, however, allowing him to snag a laptop charger off atop cabinet shelf and deftly wrap it around the other man’s neck, securing himinto a chokehold.

The struggle had ended promptlythereafter, and Jaebum, inspired by his apparent stroke of genius, took tofully restraining his new hostage with whatever wires and electrical cording hecould find in the small office they were in.

Oh, and stuffed a sock in the guy’smouth for good measure, too, because god did he not know how to shut up.

And that was ten minutes ago. Now,Jaebum was only becoming increasingly impatient. Taking a hostage hadn’t beenin the original plan, so clearly something had gone wrong. Jaebum was supposedto be helping to secure their exit, not stuck here babysitting this -

“MMMMMMPHHHHHHAAA! BLEH!”

His hostage finally managed todislodge the sock from his mouth, visibly wincing as he spat loudly. Jaebum’sexpression darkened, already contemplating taking off his other sock, (he wouldnot be touching the one that had saliva all over it),when the man spoke.

“Dude, what the hell? That wasgross! If you’re gonna gag me at least use something clean! That tasted sogross, man!”

“If you were able to keep yourmouth shut to begin with, I wouldn’t have had to resort to such measures,”Jaebum growled as he advanced forward menacingly, raising a hand for purpose ofintimidation.

“Aw, man, that’s so mean! I wasjust asking some questions– ohhh whoaaaaa. Whoa. Holy shit.”

The other man suddenly broke off,his already large eyes widening even further as he stared up at Jaebum, who’dcrossed the room towards him and consequently stepped into the light. For thefirst time, his features were clearly illuminated, and Jaebum tensed, his jawlocked and ready to face further resistance.

Instead, he almost choked on air atthe man’s next words.

“DUDE your face is a masterpiece!”

“…What?”Jaebum didn’t even know what that meant, almost swinging his fist at the guy’s facebecause what the hell even, but forced himself to pause when he was confrontedby furious headshaking.

“No like, seriously! How do youeven look like that? Are you sure you’re not a celebrity or something? And yourjawline is unreal!”

For the first time in a long time,Jaebum was completely flabbergasted. By a hostage, at that. Ittook him more than a few seconds to find his voice again, and even longer tofind words.

“What is wrong withyou? Are you an idiot?”

“I’m Jackson! Jackson Wang,actually!” The hostage, Jackson, responded enthusiastically, having the audacity toshoot Jaebum a wink. “Nice of you to ask. And actually, yes, the only thingwrong with me right now is my circulation might be getting cut off by thesecords of yours.”

He turned slightly to show off hiswrists that were twisted behind his back, wriggling his fingers.

“Don’t get me wrong, wouldn’t wantto get in the way of doing your job and all, Mr. Jawline, totally understandthat you had to tie me up for very important reasons. Could you just loosenthem a little bit, though?”

He blinked up at Jaebum innocently,cocking his head when he earned no verbal response.

“Oh come on, just a titch? Just ateensie eensie bit?”

Jaebum took a deep breath, countingdown from ten in his head so he didn’t accidently murderthis infuriating bastard. Don’tlose it, Jaebum, the gang needs a bargaining chip that’s alive.

“You do realize that I’m holdingyou hostage, right? That I couldn’t give a flying fuck about your comfort? ThatI could literally -” Jaebum grit his teeth, reaching down to lift Jackson up byhis collar, slamming his back into wall, “kill you right now?”

“Ohhh, kinky,” Jackson grimacedslightly when his head rebounded off the wall with a painful thud, but was backto grinning almost instantly. He even went slightly cross-eyed in order tomaintain eye contact with Jaebum, whose face was now mere inches away from hisown. “You know actually, if you’re gonna stay this close to me, I think I’d befine with these cords as long as-”

“Oh what the fuck,” Jaebumhissed, shoving Jackson off to the side as he stepped back with a look ofdisgust of on his face. Kicking off his shoe, Jaebum reached down, intent onremoving his other sock because clearly he was dealing with a total incompetentdumbass, and attempting to speak with him any more was only going to spike hisblood pressure.

“Oh, dude, no, please, not anothersock!” Jackson wailed, his irritating voice sounding much closer to a whinethan fearful begging. “Oh come on, please? Oh oh, I have a better idea! Ifyou’re gonna gag me, can you just take off your shirt and use that? You’vegotta have a killer bod, right? So no need to be shy, come on!”

Having already yanked his sock off,Jaebum snarled, moving forward with a vengeful rage when suddenly, his phonewent off.

Jaebum froze, sock still clutchedin hand before he finally exhaled deeply, retreating to the far end of the roomwith surprising swiftness as his phone was retrieved from his back pocket.

“Hello? What’s -”

“Get out, now. Forget the hostage,we have what we need and police are surrounding the premises, just get out now!”

“But where -”

Jaebum swore loudly when a telltaleclick signaled the other side hanging up, but he didn’t waste any timeattempting to redial.

Shit he needed his own way out, and if police were already surroundingthe premises he needed some way to slip through undetected. Almost immediately,he started running through his options, eyes scanning the room for anythingthat could be useful.

Eyes landing on Jackson, an ideastruck him, and for the first time, Jaebum returned Jackson’s grin with one ofhis own. He strode towards him briskly, whipping out the small army knife hekept in his other back pocket.

Jackson didn’t seem to notice theweapon, appearing simply starstruck at the appearance of Jaebum’s smile.

“Whoa, dude, you should smile moreoften, it’s quite- WAIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

Jackson let out a muffled shriek,Jaebum pressing a palm against his mouth just in time to block most of thesound. Immediately, Jackson’s hands were on Jaebum’s own, his eyes wide.

Jaebum had cut his bonds, and wasnow busy tugging off his outer clothing. His button-up was off within seconds,and Jaebum’s efficiency ensured his undershirt followed shortly after.

“Whoa, whoa, aren’t we moving a bitfast here?” Jackson babbled as Jaebum went for his belt next, but didn’t resistdue to the cold blade pressed to the side of his throat. “Like, shouldn’t youtell me your name first, at least? Isn’t that basic etiquette?”

Jaebum didn’t respond, directingall his attention towards stripping Jackson down. There was a large amount offumbling, but the knife pressed against Jackson’s skin never wavered.

“Oh come on, now you won’t eventalk to me? You’re just gonna - hey, hey, I thought we were over the bondage!”

Having stripped Jackson down topretty much just his underwear, Jaebum quickly restrained him once more withthe cords, shoving him off to the side when he finished.

“Aww, really? You’re just going toleave me here? Naked?”

Jaebum couldn’t help but smirk ashe pulled off his own clothes, switching into Jackson’s uniform instead. It wasa tight fit, and the pants were definitely too short, but it’d do - no oneshould question a security guard wearing the company badge.

“You’ve got your underwear, haven’tyou? You’ve got quite the killer bod yourself, so no need to be shy, right?”Jaebum didn’t even try to keep the smugness out of his voice, mood instantlylifted by Jackson’s pitiful state.

Jaebum gathered his own clothesnext, stuffing them into his pack, and therefore missed the mischievous gleamthat lit up in Jackson’s eyes.

“Why, thank you. Does that count asyou flirting back, Mr. Jawline?”

Jaebum snorted, striding towardsthe door to make his leave without a single backwards glance.

By the time the door finally swungto a close, Jaebum was already halfway down the hall. So the faint “Call me!”that was yelled out right before it clicked shut just barely made it toJaebum’s ears.

He’d merely scoffed, shaking hishead as he broke into a determined sprint.

~~

Just as Jaebum predicted, slippingthrough the crowd of police had been a piece of cake with his security guardgetup. Arriving back at their base was easy enough after that, and Jaebum wasrelieved to find out that despite the many hiccups along the way, the heist hadbeen an overall success.

It wasn’t until much later, aftermany hours of drunken celebration and feasting, that Jaebum finally returnedhome to his apartment, slipping off his shoes to find a tiny slip of paperflutter up and out of the left heel.

It was a haphazardly folded note, with equally haphazard handwriting that was still somehow legible.

First, a series of digits that wereclearly a phone number. Then, a signature:

~ JW :)

~~

Jaebum slept fitfully that night,dreaming of large, shining eyes and dirty socks.

[kane-and-griffin]

dear kabby mom, how do I make my broken heart stop hurting? I fell in love with a girl who I thought was falling back for me too....but now I don't think so anymore. this sucks.

Oh, my sweetsad baby.  

It does suck. 

It absolutely sucks. 

There is nothing I can say that will makethat not true.  There is nothing anyonecan say or do that will make it suck any less except time.

 And I know that’s not the answer you want tohear, that’s not the answer anyone wants to hear, because it doesn’t fixanything right now.  It doesn’t save youfrom having to go through the thing you have to go through right now.  It doesn’t make any of the things that hurtright now any less painful to know that in ten years (or five years) (or sixmonths) this will all feel different. It’s the truest thing that I have to tell you, but I also know thatit is in some degree useless to you right now.

You say thatyou think she doesn’t have feelings for you. Have you talked to her?  Have youdone the excruciating and mortifying and emotionally naked thingwhere you open up your heart to someone without any idea what will happennext?  Maybe you don’t need to ask; maybeyou know already.  Maybe she likessomeone else.  Maybe her feelings aboutyou are platonic and she’s made that clear. But if there’s gray area – if there’s a piece of your heart or mind that’sstill whispering, “But maybe, but maybe …” – maybe with a little time,maybe she’ll change her mind, maybe she’ll see you differently in a year, maybeit won’t work out with the girl she’s dating now – then it might be helpful tosay it out loud, to stop the “But Maybe” train in its tracks before it derails you.  Sometimes you can’t let go andput it behind you until you’ve heard the real “No.”  Until the bubble has been burst.  I don’t know your situation, but I know morethan once in my life that’s been true for me. I knew I’d hold onto unreasonably stubborn optimism, willfullymisinterpreting whatever they said as a “sign,” until I finally got up thecourage to just say it out loud, get my heart smashed into a hundred tiny pieces, pick them up, and keep walking.  It was miserable but it was also the only way forward. 

And you, baby, need to figure out what youneed to move forward.

You’re feeling big things right now, and you need to use whateverhealthy outlets are available to you to start processing them.  Cry to your friends.  Write, draw, sing.  Make sad playlists, watch sad movies.  Swap stories with the peoplein your life about their heartbreaks, to remind yourself that you’re notexperiencing this alone.  Eat goodchocolate.  Go for walks.  Breathe fresh air.  Stay busy. Spend time with as many good dogs and adorable non-annoying children asyou can find.  Dogs and children do notlet you get away with wallowing.  They will absolutely force you to remember that you are alive.

What youabsolutely must under no circumstances do is let heartbreak feed intoobsession.  Don’t check her social mediaa hundred times a day to think about all the other people she might choose whenshe didn’t choose you, or how much fun she’s having doing things you wish shewas doing with you instead, but isn’t.  Don’t useher to process the emotions you need to process, even if she’s yourfriend.  Do not make her responsible foryour broken heart.  Do not punish her, orany future person she dates, for the fact that she didn’t choose you.  If you need to vent these feelings do them quietlyand privately with your closest most trustworthy friends.  Never publicly, and never to her.  Do not vagueblog or subtweet in a forum whereshe might see it, and know, and feel terrible. You have every right to process every inch of the feelings that you’refeeling but you owe it to her to make sure you do it in a respectful way. 

She has not done anything wrong. 

No one here has done anything wrong.  

The first timeI realized I had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back I wastwelve.  The first time I told someone Ihad feelings for them and they didn’t say it back to me, I was twenty.  The most recent time was just last year.  

Once I showedup at a girl’s house for a brunch date and her drunken hookup from the night before answered the door, but I was too polite to bolt so we just satthere eating our eggs and pretending it wasn’t awkward and I was just there because the girl and I were just friends.

Once in highschool I told the tall beautiful blonde star of the basketball team who satnext to me in algebra and with whom I had been silently smitten all year thatshe had beautiful eyes, and when she gave me a weird look I got up and ran outof the room and pretended like I just needed to get something from mylocker.  

Once I didn’trealize that the date I was on wasn’t a date and that the girl was straightuntil I tried to kiss her, at which point she backed away in horror and neithershe nor her friends ever spoke to me again. She lives in my city now and once six years ago we were at a partytogether and even though at that point it had been close to a decade since theincident, she still never came anywhere near me.

I’ve hadfriendships end over this.  I’ve hadfriendships grow ten times as strong over this. I’m thirty-five and I’ve been in the place you’re currently in moretimes than I can count, and the only thing I can tell you from where I’msitting right now which might be in any way helpful is that the thing you areexperiencing is universal. 

Everyone thatyou know has been through this at least once. Some people have been on both sides of it.  All of us have been there.  All of us have been there.  Everyone you love and admire, everyone youthink is tough and strong, everyone you think never lets their feelings get tothem or who you’ve never seen cry, everyone who’s in a relationship of whichyou’re secretly envious because you assume the fact that they’re happy nowmeans they’ve never known what it’s like to be unhappy.  All of us. All of us.  We’re all right herewith you.  And what that means is that weall survived it. 

And you will too.  I promise, baby.  You will too. You’re experiencing one of those things that poets write about.  You’ll listen to melancholy love songs andwatch sad movies differently from now on. You know a thing now about your heart that you didn’t know before, andit’s beautiful and terrible and there will be times that you will probably wishfor it to disappear.

But please don’t.  

Let me tellyou why.

When I was akid, I was quiet and awkward and introverted and shy, and kept everythinginside.  I began to come out of my shella little bit in high school, but I didn’t really blossom until college, when Ifinally found my people, and suddenly it was like I was Dorothy moving from ablack-and-white world to a Technicolor one. I was in love with everything and everyone.  I was in love with the pretentious gayphilosophy major who lived downstairs and I was in love with the blondesorority girl down the hall who is now a major writer for Buzzfeed and I was inlove with anyone who would stay up with me until the sun rose, sitting in thedorm lounge and talking about books.  Ihad this big colorful soft squishy heart that I’d kept hidden my whole life and I justwanted to give it to someone, but every experience was new, so I gave it toeveryone, and because it was all new to me, I had no defense mechanisms to protect myself or avoid getting hurt.  I was forever falling forpeople who didn’t want me back and breaking my own heart and crying and feelingdevastated and writing terrible poetry and being afraid I’d never feel anythingever again.  But hearts are elastic, they bounce back when we let them, they’re made for love and if you just give them alittle time they’ll heal and move on to somebody else.

Then when Iwas twenty-four, my mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness, andI shut down.

The only way Icould cope with the panic and the grief was to force myself not to feelit.  I knew my mother was not fine, but Itold myself over and over that she would be. I knew that I was not fine, but I told myself over and over that Iwas.  Sometimes when I was alone at nightI would feel it, this huge dark cloud thing hovering over me, and I would feelmyself, very firmly, very carefully, shoving it back down into a box andlocking it up.  It was an almost physicalsensation.  I can remember it vividly.  It was spectacularly unhealthy, but it wasalso the only way I could survive. 

Shedied when I was twenty-seven, and my clearest memory of that day, and of theperiod immediately after, was that I felt nothing.  I cried when I got the phone call from mydad, because of the shock.  I didn’t cryagain – about her, or about anything – for years.  I went from being someone who would burst into tears at, like, a Verizon commercial about grandparents, to someone who didn’t cry at her own mother’s funeral.  Some switch had flipped inside me, and it waslike the part of me that could feel things was just gone.  I lost three grandparents in the years aftermy mom died, and I sang at all their funerals, and I felt nothing.  I knew that I loved them, and I knew that this thing that was happening was sad, but I felt it in this very muffled, dim, distant, far-off way where ifyou had asked me if I was okay I would have told you that I was fine and Iwould have believed that to be perfectly true.

It wasterrible.

Grief made mysister more emotional – she cried a lot, she was more demonstrative, she wantedto process her feelings out loud – but it shut me down completely.  And it took that big sparkly heart full oflove for everybody with it.  I tried,every once in awhile, half-heartedly, to go out on an internet date, but I feltnothing.  I didn’t know then what “demisexual”meant, and that I’m simply not wired to sit across the table in a bar from atotal stranger and feel the things you’re supposed to feel in that situation; Ineed that emotional connection before any of the other stuff happens.  But I wasn’t able to form that emotionalconnection.  From time to time I mightfeel a fleeting spark of a wistful crush on the cute divorced older lady poetin my writing group, or develop complicated feelings for one of the revolvingdoor of tortured, dramatic, toxic artistic men that seem to be foreverpopulating my life, but it wasn’t the same. I spent ten years convinced that I was broken; that my mom’s death meantthat the part of me that knew how to feel things was dead too.  I would, at that moment, have givenabsolutely anything to be that heartbroken twenty-year-old sobbing over beingrejected by a pretty straight girl, because at least that Claire could feelthings.

It took me ten years for the switch to flip back on, for me to catch feelings for someone and then get my heart broken again, not that long ago, and it was so disorienting to be feeling things again after all that time, but I was really grateful too.  Because it meant that I wasn’t dead inside.  I was a person who could feel things again.

I’m tellingyou all of this because right now you are heartbroken, and in the depths ofyour pain you feel like this is a terrible thing to be, and you want to make itstop.  And I am here to tell you, yourheart will heal, because that is what hearts do when we give them permission;but in the midst of your heartbreak, remember to be grateful for the capacityto be heartbroken.  For the fact that youhave a breakable heart.  For the factthat you are the kind of person who loves big, even when you aren’t sure theother person is going to love you back. That’s the best kind of person to be.

You’re goingto be okay, cupcake.  I promise.