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badgirlcovenrep · 3 years ago

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atlas

Alex Chen × Steph Gingrich fluffy comfort one-shot

(I was talking to a friend about the game and we were discussing how Alex is probably still carrying a lot of trauma. And even after everything that happened at the mines we still don't see her really grieve for the whole situation and herself. So- I had to write it, you know?)

Enjoy!

TW: mentions of suicide, death and mental health issues.

It's two months into their relationship now, and they are somewhere in a Californian town, living in a tiny apartment close to the beach. They play together in small venues and underground clubs. Alex bartends and Steph referees for DND campaigns at a nerd bar they found by chance on their first week there.

They're happy. As happy as Alex remembers being since she was- well, maybe nine.

Every day, it's a little like waking up into a dream. Living in an apartment with her first girlfriend, listening to music as they cooked dinner together. Getting to kiss her just because Alex felt like it. Because her heart went a little loopy inside her chest when she smiled. Because she knew Steph would hold on to her waist and make her feel like she was full of electricity.

The 'falling in love' business felt overrated before Steph.

But Being in the middle of it now, Alex doesn't think there's anything better.

Although a part of her still felt quite numb - she guesses it's not something that will go away that easily - and day by day, Alex felt a little bit more like she could breathe... like she was finally letting herself go, at least a little bit.

****

Now that she could comprehend and use her powers, it also seemed as if she'd started to become even more of a magnet for all sorts of emotion around her. And apparently Alex could do it in her sleep too.

The nightmares came in clusters most of the time, a badly cut-together mess of voices and feelings. The lady that lived under them, who lost her son when he was little. The couple from down the street, who were going through a hard time in their relationship. Even the little girl from upstairs, who had terrible night terrors of sharp-teethed monsters reaching from under her bed.

They all mixed inside her head until she woke up gasping for air and sizzling with emotion.

It was rare that she'd have a full dream, one that made sense and completed itself, but when she did they were always about Gabe. About sitting together at the rooftop of the Lantern and sharing a beer. Or climbing trees, like they used to do when they were little.

It was a relief from the usual doom.

And that dream was supposed to be nothing different. Or at least she thought it wasn't.

****

In it, they were at the ravine. A world of twinkling stars shining above their heads. The Colorado mountains all around them creating a landscape that was just as beautiful as it was bittersweet. Alex could see the log she'd crossed, still standing between her and the tiny outcrop of stone Ethan had been stranded on.

She hadn't dreamed of the ravine since leaving Haven Springs, but while she was there, Alex dreamt of it every night. She would see it when her eyes were closed. She could hear it, - the sirens, the terrible, deafening rumble of the ground splitting beneath them. The panic, pounding into her ears.

But this is different. Because when she looks around, Alex realizes she's standing over the elevated plateau, tied to the waist and leaning all her weight against a sturdy piece of rock.

Looking at her from below is Gabe. Lying on the cold ground. A cheesy smile spread across his face.

"Why are we switched?" Alex asks because that's all she can think of asking, as she stares at the rope that anchored her to the ground... to Gabe.

"Beats me. This is all your brain, not mine." He says, and Alex huffs in annoyance, "you know what's going to happen, but you keep coming here."

"I don't have a choice."

"Hmmm..." Gabe hums, but there's some humor in his expression as he stares intently back at her, "and that's exactly why... I'm here because I should say goodbye."

A coldness spreads over Alex's limbs. Around her, the very fabric of the dream dims into darkness as a strong breeze blows past them. She suddenly feels like throwing up.

"What- what does that mean?" It's a stupid question. This is her dream. Alex knows what it means.

Deep down, she knew she'd been conjuring him up for her own sake. Trying to bring back any morsel of relief into the giant hole he'd left inside her heart. However, Alex also knew at some point he'd be gone- she just didn't expect-

"You don't need me anymore, Alex." He says. As if it's that simple. As if she'd ever-

"I'll always need you, Gabe. Of course I need you." The words stumble out of her mouth, and she can feel the hot, angry tears falling down her face.

It feels like a hot iron pressed to the very top of her chest.

Like lava, boiling up into her bloodstream until Alex wants to punch something. The steam that prickles from under her skin, fighting to break free.

Anger always comes first when people feel cornered. It's something she noticed a while back. Out of all the emotions Alex had dealt with the past few months, that, at least, hadn't changed.

"Shit, Gabe. When you died I needed you more than ever."

"But we can't fix that, can we?" He asks, and another wave of anger rips through her. She looks anywhere but him, because Alex feels that if she does, she'll tackle and kill him all over again. But when he says nothing and they're left in the same pocket of silence - the one right before the whole world collapsed - her eyes eventually fall back to her brother. Tied to her and laid on the ground beneath. Looking at her like just as much the goofy asshole she missed so much.

Anger always felt urgent and fast, like a flash going through her body and leaving everything inside it in disarray. It demanded to be completely felt, but only for the moment it took for Alex to decide it wasn't worth launching the nearest object at a window.

Or trying to kill her dead brother.

"You might have needed Gabe. But you don't need this Gabe anymore, Alex. You can do it on your own now."

The fear and sadness that came after? They were usually much, much worse.

"But this is the only Gabe I have."

Those emotions, when mixed, turned into a horrible harmony that paralyzed her lungs and darkened the sides of her vision. They felt just as urgent as anger, but complacent. A beast staring at her from the very bottom of a pit. Tied to her by the waist and trying to lure her down into the abyss.

And, for Alex, the abyss was as deep as a ventilation shaft for a Colorado mining site.

"No, it's not. You'll always have me, Alex. And you know that." Not in the way that matters. Alex wants to say, but it's so redundant. He's the ghost. He should already know that. "And you have Ryan now, and Eleanor, Riley, Charlotte, Ethan... Steph..." he gives her a cheesy smile in the last name, wiggling his eyebrows back at her teasingly.

"Oh, God, way to ruin the moment." Alex can't help but chuckle a little through her tears. Is she blushing? You can't blame her for blushing, right? God, she feels like Diane.

"Hey. Let me have it. One of my only regrets is that I never got to tease the hell out of Steph for dating my little sister... and for being whipped as hell."

"That would have been so funny."

"I knew she'd get along with you but I guess I didn't expect... that. Shame on me. Should've had more artistic vision."

Alex chuckles as more tears run down her face. It's so bittersweet it hurts from the very inside of herself.

"All jokes aside. I'm glad you have her, and that she has you. She's good. Just make sure you tell her I'll haunt her from the grave if her dumb ass breaks your heart, okay?" Alex nods, and her body starts shaking with strangled sobs. So much emotion she just can't let go of. Because if she does, Alex is afraid there'll be nothing left.

"Hey. Don't cry. You can do this, Alex. You know how to live life now."

"I don't want to lose you again, Gabe."

"You'll never lose me. You'll just have to look a little harder." He smiles up at her, pulling jokingly on the rope, "now play your part - or is it my part? You get it."

And then- too soon. (Same as it was that night.) The sirens blast through the mountains, and somewhere above them, a giant explosion blows her eardrums, and boulders the size of cars come tumbling down the mountain.

She barely has time to blink. Barely has time to breathe one last time. Seen as she's Gabe, when she looks up all she sees is the giant rock, flying towards her, hitting her across the torso so hard, before she knows, she's flying way above the ravine, and one last glimpse of the stars catches hold over the veil of her memory before everything turns black.

****

She wakes up in bed, desperately clawing at the top of her chest as she gasps for air. Her lungs feel like they're made of lead, and all around her, she can feel the weight of the rocks, the explosion, the debris, weighing down her body.

Alex pats across the mattress for Steph, who is not there. Another wave of panic washes over her. So strong her mouth turns dry and her head aches as she tries to breathe in, but her lungs can only handle tiny, torturous gasps of half-breath.

Alex dispels a world of curses towards herself inside. Willing her own body to just calm down. In the bathroom, she can hear Steph singing softly to herself- she must have come home late from the DND tournament. Alex told her she'd swing by, but she'd had a long shift and ended up just passing out as soon as her head hit the pillow.

Alex hadn't had an incident like this in very long. She could control it now. Most times. It wasn't easy, with being on the road and constantly surrounded by people. Sometimes, she still got more than she could bargain. When she walked across a depressed person on the sidewalk, or heard one of their multiple neighbors yelling at each other through the walls, and suddenly she felt as if the world blended out of focus into a tsunami of feeling.

Feeling that wasn't hers but still felt so much like it was.

Steph helped whenever it happened. For a sarcastic punk rock mess, she was surprisingly stable and so very reassuring.

Just the fact that she can hear her voice. That Steph is there in the apartment with her, is enough to calm some of her nerves, and while Alex still can't keep herself from pulling in gasps of air as she tries to hold in any kind of oxygen, she at least has a plan.

Water. Water will make her feel better, right?

Almost as soon as the idea crosses her mind, Alex's half-delirious brain commands her to get up, but her body feels so very heavy. Like she's really been trampled over by a wave of giant boulders. And as soon as her feet touch the ground, her legs give up under the weight, and she falls onto the hard floor with a loud, heavy thud.

The girl's hands fly up to hold her weight against the bed, and thankfully that means she doesn't face plant the ground, but it sends her heart into a neck-breaking pace, and all air Alex'd been able to gather so far escapes her in a single huff until she's hyperventilating again, hot, angry tears running down her face.

You're so weak. You're such a fucking idiot. Of course, you had to go and lose Gabe twice, who the fuck would want to stay with such a mess-

"Alex, are you okay?" Steph's voice comes, as she opens the door to find her girlfriend sitting on the ground, looking like she might pass out from just trying to get her lungs to work, "Alex!"

In a second she's crossed their room and kneeled by her, both hands going up to her cheeks on instinct, smearing away her tears.

"Breathe with me, okay? We've done this before, you can do it." She always gets just a tiny bit of a scared aura around her when Alex gets like this, never for long enough that she can read it, but it's still there, the tiny flutter of fear, "come on, breathe."

Her eyes go up to find Steph's, her strong, glittering green gaze. Alex might be the one with superpowers, but it was Steph who could so easily reach in and soften her edges like it was nothing. It was Steph who could just lean in and hold Alex's hand against her chest, letting her feel the determined rise of her lungs. Strong. Stable. Even Alex couldn't possibly understand how she did that.

How she always made Alex's breathing slowly come to shaky, deep breaths, crawling painfully out of her dry throat, but still better than gasping like a fish. Inside her, Alex feels the furious hurricane of emotion, twisting itself into the bottom of her lungs, taking hold of every bit of her until she felt like she could throw up.

"Wait here, I'll get you water," Steph says, and Alex wants to complain, she doesn't want to be alone, even for a second.

But before she can, Steph has left their bedroom for the kitchen, and Alex feels as if she's stable enough to crawl into bed, so she does so at a glacial pace. She grabs Shu-Shu, holding her close to her chest as she sits and waits for Steph.

She eventually comes back in with a glass full and Alex gulps it down in silence, unsure if whatever dam of emotion that has taken place inside of her will break if she tries to speak. So she sets the glass back and lies her head down on the pillow, facing away from Steph and the rest of the room as she tries to reel herself back in.

She can hear Steph taking off her boots and climbing into bed, one arm winding around her waist as she pulls Alex in closer.

"Was it the lady from upstairs?" Steph asks, eventually, after they sit in a few long minutes of silence.

"No." She replies, and it comes out so strangled, so broken, a few more tears run down her face. Steph pulls her even closer, a tight, steady pressure.

"The couple again? I swear to God I'll call the police on that asshole this time."

"No." Alex says, and she detaches herself from Steph just enough so she can turn around and look at her, "I had a dream about Gabe." Simply saying his name makes her whole body shake. Steph is looking at her so intensely, Alex has to close her eyes, holding on to the fabric of her shirt with all she had not to explode in whatever terrifying, dizzying bomb of emotion she could feel brewing inside herself.

Alex felt so much from other people it overwhelmed her multiple times a day, and even then, it was nothing compared to this. Nothing compared to how much sheer strength it took from her not to let it blow.

It scared her. More than anything.

"He wanted to say goodbye." She says eventually, "it was- I don't know. This- I- this isn't coming from anyone- How do I get rid of it? It's like it's all inside of me and it's taking up so much space and I don't know how to fix it" The words come tumbling out before she can stop them, and she's rambling through tears.

Steph sighs. And Alex can feel the love and sadness mixed together, blowing from her in waves as she holds Alex's chin, bringing her up so they can look at each other.

"Baby..." there are tears in her eyes now, as she pulls her closer until their foreheads are touching, and they are so close Alex can smell her lemongrass shampoo, "This is all yours."

And such simple words shouldn't hit her this fucking hard.

But it all suddenly makes so much sense-

Alex was numb after her dad left. She felt nothing for months. It was one of the most terrifying feelings in the world, a deep and powerful depression that threatened to overtake her at any given point.

Like her whole body was nothing but dead weight and her brain was way too tired to even try and keep up.

Young as she was, Alex guesses she never realized the first time she felt anything at all after that was when she discovered her powers. The day a boy came to the orphanage and he was so angry it blew her across the hallway. Ever since then, everything around her was a cacophony of feeling. Coming from every direction. Every street corner, every store, every park.

Every moment of her life since she was eleven, Alex could only feel for others.

"I- I forgot." She realizes, half surprise and half so much sadness another sob breaks through her throat.

Now it made sense, the anger, the sadness, the fear, a hurricane of emotion so very powerful it made her ears ring.

"I'm scared." She admits. Because for someone who had been so focused on learning how to exist among other people's feelings, Alex had no clue how to handle herself, "what do I do with all of this? How do I fix it?"

"Alex. Look at me." Steph brings her face upwards until they are so close, Alex can see the speckles of blue in her eyes, "Gabe died just four months ago, and you were there to see everything- then you got shot and thrown down God knows how many stories into a dark abyss that you somehow walked out of, but not before also finding out about your dad's tragic death - and I haven't seen you cry, actually cry, for yourself, even once."

"I- I can't, it's too much. I don't know how, Steph." Alex had learned her lesson. She'd seen her life as it was and survived it. Deep down she knew it wasn't her responsibility anymore - that it never was her responsibility, to begin with - to hold herself together for others. She knows.

But old habits die hard, and Alex guesses it'll take a while before she starts feeling it too.

Because right now, it still felt like the world might collapse if she wasn't there to hold it together.

"Just- give it to me. Everything you have, I can carry it for you." Steph says, with such determination, Alex actually believes her, but she takes her eyes away, trying to avoid the bubbling of tears threatening to jump out through her throat "Let it go, please, Alex. I can't watch you carry it alone anymore."

At that moment, Alex glances at her again, and there's so much pain, so much love in her eyes, that inside Alex, the dam finally breaks and she's choking on sobs. Tears start running down her cheeks as Steph leans in and pulls her closer, one arm around her shoulder and one on her hip, squeezing tight in reassurance.

If she didn't know better, Alex would've guessed Steph was the one with the superpowers, with the way she coaxes wave after wave of emotion out of her with nothing but her steady presence and quick, light kisses she leaves on Alex's head and hair as she holds on to her shirt for dear life.

It overwhelmed her more than anything she'd experienced so far, and for what feels like hours, she just sobs as Steph holds her.

She cries for her mom. Dead before her time, trying to hold them together to the very end. She cries for her dad, dying a slow death deep underground, a picture of the two children he'd never see again dangling around his neck. She cries for Gabe, for the time they'd never have, for the time they did have.

Above all, for the first time, Alex cried for herself. For being the last out of all of them. For the little girl that had to love and lose every single one of them in succession.

And in the middle of all of it, like a speckle of golden light hidden under all the darkness, for the first time, she feels that it could all start to feel alright.

#send me chenrich prompts #i dare you #chenrich #chengrich #alex chen #steph gingrich #life is strange true colors #long post #chenrich fanfic #chenrich fic #alex chen × steph gingrich

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kittehkwrites · 4 years ago

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Self-care day

Warnings: fluff

Having a selfcare day was a necessity

It was the time in which you took for yourself to destress. You were able to just laze around, mostly carrying out your washday routine, and then eat whatever whilst watching movies or listening music.

Just a day full of You.

A few days ago, however, your friend, Yahya, had messaged you to let you know he was going to be in town for the weekend and wanted to spend some time with you since you both were on busy schedules.

You had told him to come over and have a self care day and take some of the pressure off of himself to indulge in himself.

you told him to come over once you had finished your detangling (this would be after having washed, conditioned, and treating, your hair.)

When he arrived, you had just finished sectioning and plaiting your hair to keep it from knotting overnight and layed out the snacks in the living room.

You were getting ready to get the necessities for the face masks you wanted to review when you heard the knocking at your front door and then receiving a notification from Yahya that he was outside and needed to use the bathroom.

“Aye! I know you know its me!” He’d yell out through the barrier of the door and your house.

You’d quickly open the door, in hopes you’d reach in time so he wouldn’t pee on himself.

You’d fling open the door and before you can get out a hello, he'd be running in, shouting out ‘gotta go gotta go gotta go’ down the hallway leading to the guest room. You couldn't do much but laugh at the way he was acting.

You just closed the door, thankful your next door neighbours were out of town or else you'd be hearing a lot about your friends antics the following day.

Once he had finished in the bathroom (obviously making sure his hands were clean and he didn’t leave the seat up or forget to flush) he’d make his way back out to the front of the house and see you sat on the couch with a face mask on, eating a bowl of mixed berries and watching Futurama on your wide screen tv.

“Hello to you too sir” You’d say smartly, he would just turn and respond with a ‘Hi’ and say thanks for getting the door quick.

“No problem.”You would bite into a juicy strawberry and chew on it for a bit as you were so absorbed in the tv until he snapped his fingers in front of you to break you out of your trance. “We wouldn’t want you to walk around like that in these peoples neighbourhood” You ate another berry before placing the bowl down and asking if he wanted anything, pointing to the variety of junk and healthy food you had placed out on the coffee table centred in the living room.

He would take some of your berries, popping them into his mouth and laughing at the annoyed look you have at him refusing to use the extra bowl you had out incase he wanted some.

He knew it would annoy you and you knew he did it on purpose so you just shook your head and proceeded to pick up your bottle of water and drink some of its contents.

---

“So what’s on your face?” He’d motion to the mask you had painted on yourself.

“This, my barbaric friend, is a face mask.” You’d get up to stretch before picking up the diy mixture you wanted to try out and pushed it towards your friend who was no stranger and had gotten up to change into his extra shorts and old hoodie he left behind.

“I know you no-” you’d cut him off before he could finish asking the rhetorical “anyways this mask is supposed to help open your pores and detox your skin.” You’d continue to speak while reaching for the clean brush that you’d use as an applicator for your friends face.

He’d look down questionably at the mix before looking back up at you, who was now standing in front of him and smiling, waiting for him to give in so you could apply the mask to his face.

He’d sigh before handing over the product.

You’d do a little happy dance at the fact he didn’t put up much of fight, but you chalked it out to be due to the fact that it was a self care day and he wasn’t meant to be worried about anything other than taking care of himself.

He’d sit up straight and come closer to the edge of the couch to allow you to place the mask on his face and to be safe in case the mixture fell onto the couch before it reached his face. He noticed the towel you had placed over the space between the central carpet and the couch (even though there was a gap where you could see the floor under the massive rug, he knew you were just being extra cautious to reduce clean up)

As he sat and let you apply the mask, he did start to relax and not long after you were finished and he could lay back in the couch, finally being able to spread himself out again to get comfortable for the remainder of the day with his close friend.

The two of you sat and watched a few more episodes before going to wash off the face masks.

As you were patting off your face, you caught Yahya staring at himself in the bathroom mirror and couldn’t help but ask “what did you think?”

He looked at his skin a little more.

“Yay or nay, Yahya?” He still didn’t say a thing to you. “You actors and wanting to create suspense” you’d let out as you rolled your eyes at his dramatic pausing and serious face he had put on.

Once you had finished drying your face, you were met with your friends kind smile and a “I like it.”

You wanted to slap him for the theatrics.

Had you thinking he wasn’t feeling it.

“Well mr. Emmy-Award winner” you start off as you both made your way out of the bathroom, disposing of the face towels you had placed out for you both into the clothes basket, “glad you liked it. That means you can buy me some masks when you travel to places like South Korea or Singapore.”

Yahya would let out a little chuckle.

He knew there was something up with you wanting to share your skin care and he now got his answer.

“Oh! So that’s why you wanted me to come over? To try on some face mask so you could persuade me to buy more when I’m away to bring for your bougie behind?” You could hear the teasing in his tone but continued to play along.

“I mean...” you’d turn around and shrug your shoulders to the man walking behind you before you both got situated on the couch again.

He’d look over, amused at your behaviour before chuckling and nodding his head.

“But nah.” You’d let out after a brief stare off which was caused by your straight face to his accusations. “I genuinely wanted us to hang out” you’d say as you picked up a bag of dried mango.

“I mean how many times do we get to see eachother or happen to be in the same city at the same time for longer than 4 days?” You’d say as you opened up the pack, in which he helped himself to a good sized palm of its contents.

“You right”

“I know. Now stop eating my snacks when there’s enough for the both us”

You both would turn from watching the tv to talking about random topics or anything going on in your lives that the other missed and it felt like you guys hadn’t been separated for so long.

You guys shared some laughs, got up to make some food before going back to the couch to be lazy.

You’d turned off the animated shows and switched to playing music once you both cracked open a bottle of wine to compliment the food you'd made.

Both buzzed and full, you guys cleaned up any mess made and just let the calm energy in the room take over. You both caught the itis and didn’t try to fit it.

---

By time you had woken up, your head was on yahya’s shoulder and he was sitting comfortable with the tv on low and munching on some gummies.

He’d ask how you slept and you'd say great and he’d say the same before you guys continued watching whatever he had put on while you were still sleeping.

It wouldn’t be until the late hours of the night that he’d decide to head back to his hotel room.

You’d try to get him to spend the night but he said he wasn’t going to be able to leave if he didn’t leave now.

You stopped fighting him and walked him to the door, sending him off with a couple more of the candy packets amongst other junk food (which he technically stole but you weren’t about to start anything with this man when you were still feeling tired.)

As he got to the front door, youd both hug and you’d watch him get into his rental before closing and locking it. You'd clean everything up, packing away any unopened food items, folding any blankets, fixing the couch pillows etc. before heading up to your bedroom where you would get ready to get under your comforter for another deep sleep.

before you could sink into the dreamstate, you got a text notification (you normally had your phone on dnd once you got in bed but this time you forgot) and saw it was from no one but your friend Yahya

“We gotta do another one of these again girl. These chill days aren’t common anymore” You’d laugh at the message as you imagined him saying it in front of you and hearing it in his voice.

“I agree” You’d respond and he’d send you a couple memes to show his excitement at the future of this possibly becoming a ritual between you both whenever you saw each other.

“Goodnight Yahya.” You’d send after snickering at some of the images he sent you.

“Night beautiful.”

You’d feel the butterflies flutter and try to ignore the heat in your cheeks.

You may or may not have had crush on the man for God knows how long, but that was neither here nor there and you were gonna punch those thoughts and feelings to the back of your head because sleep was more important right now.

As you thought about other things, you hadn’t realised you fell asleep after blinking a couple of times.

It was lights out for you.

---

on the other side of town, yahya was waiting to get a response from you and after a good couple of minutes he figured you’d gone to sleep and decided to follow the lead as he thought about the day you both spent together.

One day, he’d think as he was getting comfortable in the bed before placing his phone on charge.

As he was about to fall asleep, his mind ran across the topic of discussion earlier and said to himself that since he was flying out of the country in a few days, he’d bring you back a couple of things for your future self care days.

He went to sleep with a smile on his face as he thought of the look of pure joy when given the products. Just thinking of your happiness brought him happiness and helped him fall into a deep sleep with thoughts of you running on his mind and the future of self care days between you two possibly being something he’d try to upkeep for as long as he could.

Hey loves!

Hope you guys liked this one.

Thanks to the anon who sent it in (sorry it took so long to get out of the drafts)

Hope you guys are taking time out for yourself and keeping safe.

Remember to like, comment and/or reblog and thanks for the continuous support.

I appreciate you guys so much.

Stay safe,

-K💜

#kittehkwrites #yahya abdul mateen ii #yahya abdul mateen ii fluff #imagine #black reader #black!reader #yahya abdul mateen ii x reader #self care day with yahya

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jellyfishdooter · 5 years ago

Note

I'm gonna send you a fluff prompt cause that Jackie prompt must have really hurt to write. It was really good btw!!! How about marvin waking up from a nightmare and Jackie comes to comfort him^^ I'm in soft mood as you can tell :3

Aww thanks bean!

OH MY GOD HOW DID THIS GET SO LONG JESUS CHRIST

Uhh- enjoy below the cut!

~~~

Marvin stood in the middle of a fast field of golden grass that seemed to stretch on forever. The sky was as blue as his eyes hidden behind the mask.

There was no mask, but his eyes remained closed. His face was bare along with his feet. He could feel small insects scurrying across his feet, the soft grain of the grass against his hands.

The wind shifted and began to gently nudge the human along, swaying the grass to match the waves of the ocean and making his loose hair dance. The smell of fall was crisp on his nose.

Marvin began to walk, blind. Trusting the wind to take him along as he sang along to the song of the earth under his breath. A soft melody of whistling winds and dancing plants, with a strong and deep bassline of heartbeats and thunder.

Thunder. Marvin stopped walking when the wind turned from late summer warmth to a bitter cold. A chill running up his spine with a promise of rain. And as he opened his eyes, bitterly bright lightning flashed across the sky and made him gasp when the promised thunder clapped out after it- like a hunter finally hitting it’s mark after the chase. Rain shot down like needles ripping through his clothes- his skin.

It hurt!

Desperate, he looked around for shelter; for salvation. But there was nothing.

Another crack of lightning struck the ground and suddenly there was fire. It ran quickly across the crisp, dry grass and did not seem to be affected by the rain that already burned Marvin’s skin.

Normally, the human didn’t fear something as trivial as fire. But here, in this place.. He ran. The fire morphed and changed, growing as if it had consumed a city already was chasing the man without fear of losing kindling. The flames laughed cruelly as they licked at Marvin’s heels, forcing him to beat the ground faster.

But it wasn’t enough. The man was surrounded by fire, and being pelted with knife-like rain that caused millions of tiny cuts to draw blood on his skin. He looked around quickly, turning around and around, desperate to find a way out as the earth beneath him began to char and crumble. The dancing flames deceived his eyes- painting pictures of those he loved to have cruel faces of pure hate and disgust. They got closer to him, the glint in their eyes promising pain.

Marvin cried out as the ground under him gave out, sending him into a freefall into darkness.

Where bright red strings caught him like razor wire, stopping him from hitting the ground like in the gallows-

Marvin woke up with a shout, bolting upright in his bed as he gripped at his shirt around his heart, willing for it to slow down. He breathed heavily as his eyes darted around the room, quickly taking in his surroundings.

He told himself he was home in his room- but his brain was still half in his dream world, yelling at him that there is still danger. Tears pricked at his eyes as his mind tore in two, leaving him stunned and unsure what to do other than clutch onto his blankets and try to remember how to breathe.

It wasn’t long until a knock on his door made him almost jump out of his skin. Marvin managed to croak out a meek “Yeah?” and his eyes widened when he saw that Jackie was on the other side of the door. The magician quickly tried to dry his eyes with his sheets but it was pointless, the hero had already seen.

“Can I come in?” Jackie asked in a gentle voice, waiting until Marvin nodded numbly until he entered the magical man’s room. “Nightmare again?” His words were not scolding or tired, but filled with true concern.

Another nod. Marvin carded his fingers through his own mess of hair, not able to meet Jackie’s eyes. Jackie cautiously sat on the bed keeping his movements slow. Marv couldn’t help but bitterly laugh in his mind. The eldest ego was acting like he would shatter any second. Which.. Might have been true in all honesty. Not like Marvin would ever admit that, though.

“You wanna talk about it, or be distracted from it?” Jackie asked. It was routine at this point. Jackie would ask whether or not Marvin would want to discuss what happened in the dream to get it out of his system. Or the option to take his mind off the dream by just letting Jackie fill his ears with random babble until he got back to sleep or until the sun rose through the window.

“Distraction.” Marvin mumbled, pulling his legs up to sit criss-cross and make room on the bed for Jackie to do the same across from him. Jackie did so, his socked feet poking out from under his legs and he sat up straight to match Marvin, showing off the litterment of scars from saving the day and from his own personal battles. “Can we..” Marv started slow. Jackie had his full attention. “Can we do the, ah.. five things.. Thing?” The magician made a vague gesture in the air with his hand, hoping to get the point across to the hero.

Jackie blinked, a bit surprised by the request, but wasn’t against it either. “The five senses technique? Yeah sure, Marv. If you think it’ll help.” Marvin nodded and looked across to Jackie, their matching eyes finally meeting. Jackie gave him a warm smile. “Alright.”

They started with a deep breath. Jackie demonstrating for Marvin to follow along to. Breathe in through your nose slowly and hold. Before just as slowly letting it out through your mouth. They repeated this three times before Jackie started to talk again. “Look around the room here. Name five things you can see. Try to be specific.”

The magician looked around his bedroom. He had a lot of things in here. Shelves crammed with dusty leather books and other magical artifacts (and of course things like snow globes, fanart, and a few toy magic kits that he liked to collect). His work desk littered with notes for spells and jars filled with herbs and other things he decided that might be useful later. From his ceiling hung several colorful tapestries and crystals on strings that caught the silver moonlight filtering through his window. His wardrobe stuffed with both expensive, elaborate clothes, and also a selection of simple shirts and jeans. He didn’t even want to think of everything he had crammed in the cupboards and under his bed-

Marvin stopped himself before his mind got too much further off track. He glanced at Jackie, who was sitting as patient as a saint, before taking another deep breath and clearing his throat. “Well.. I can see my.. My copy of the Player’s Handbook for DnD night.. Um..” He scanned the large dark wood bookshelf just over Jackie’s shoulder, “My magic 8 ball.. A jar of sage leaves I need to replace. The purple geode Chase got me for my birthday. And..” He looked around and his eyes landed on his bedside table- also cluttered with another stack of books and more trinkets. “My rune spoon?” Marvin said with an awkward chuckle, picking up the wooden spoon he got from a fair a few years back for shits and giggles. But came to be one of his favorite tools while working with spells. Gently running his thumb over it, he looks over to Jackie once again.

“Good job!” Jackie cheers softly, keeping his voice low as to not wake up the rest of the house. The walls here were pretty thin unless Marvin put a charm up to deafen the noise during the day. The older ego takes another deep breath, prompting Marvin to do the same before carrying on. “Okay, tell me about four things you can touch around you. Really try to describe how they feel if you can. Heh, seems like you’re already ahead of the game.” He nods to the wooden spoon in the magicians hand and smiles. Not to mock him, gods no. But to show that he really did care and was here for him.

Marv had to take another breath when memories of the burning fire and sharp rain from the dream filled his mind and whispered phantom pains across his arms and feet. “The wood of the spoon is smooth.” He interrupted his own mind from spirling back to the nightmare. “Polished but not sticky with gloss. Uhh,” He set the spoon aside and laid his hands flat on his PJ pants, “Smooth again. But.. more silky and soft.” He moved one hand to the blanket covering his lap and rubbed it between two fingers, “Fluffy. Not really like a cat’s fur but.. Softer. Warm.” Running out of ideas in the moment, Marvin reached up and touched his own dark wavy hair. He grimaced. “Soft but.. Oily. Gross. I need a shower.” He stuck out his tongue in disgust at himself, causing Jackie to chuckle softly.

Another deep breath together. “Halfway there. This one is a bit harder.” Jackie warned gently, “Name three things you can hear.”

The magician paused before letting his eyes slip close so he could focus on the quiet sounds of the sleeping house. “I can.. Hear the traffic outside. Those poor saps who have to get to work at an ungodly hour making the commute.” He chuckled to himself, tilting his head to listen through the walls the best he could. “Chase is snoring in his room.. Or maybe he passed out in the living room? Not sure.” A faint smile played on his lips as he focused once again to listen to the sounds of the room itself. There wasn’t a lot of sound in here… “Your breathing. I can hear your breathing from here.” He opened his eyes again, “And no, that’s not an insult.”

Jackie couldn’t help but laugh, beaming brightly as Marvin came back into himself again, slowly forgetting his nightmare. “Apology accepted?” He quipped, scooting closer to Marv before taking another breath with him. “I’m here to help with this one. Name two things you can smell.”

Marvin laughed at the hero, shaking his head but sniffing the air anyway. “Yep. You’re a stinky bastard alright.” He joked, gaining a light-hearted shove from Jackie. “Hah. And..” He looked around a bit before raising his blanket to his nose and taking another long sniff, “My blankets got washed yesterday so they smell.. I dunno, clean?”

“Works for me.” Jackie encouraged, reaching over Marvin to open up his bedside table’s drawer and pull out the other man’s small jar of stashed chocolate drops. “Last one. I’m gonna make it really easy for you.”

Marvin mocked a scoff, “Excuse me, Sir. But I don’t believe I gave you permission to get your grubby hands on my stash.”

“Well if you don’t want a fuckin’ chocolate then I’ll just put ‘em back-”

“Now I never said that. Gimme.” Marv snatched the candy from Jackie’s hand as he held it up and popped it in his mouth with a low hum. “Chocolate. With a peanut center.” He said with his mouth still full, taking the jar back from the other ego and handing him a candy before putting the whole thing away. Jackie gladly took it and popped it in his own mouth with a cheeky grin.

“Feelin’ better, Marv?” Jackie asked once they both finished their sweet treats.

The magical man nodded lazily, his eyes starting to have trouble staying open once again. “Thank you. For.. putting up with…” He makes another vague gesture towards himself and sighs. “All this.”

“I wouldn’t say that.” Jackie said, getting up from his spot on the bed and stretching- making a few bones pop in his back and knees. “I love being able to help you, man. It’s what I’m here for. And you know I’m just next door if you need anything else, right?”

“I-” Marvin was about to argue. Saying that he didn’t want to be a bother to Jackie or to disturb his sleep. But.. they’ve had this little argument before many times by now… “Thanks.” He simply replied instead as Jackie stopped at the door.

The hero turned back and gave him another smile, “Of course. Anything for you guys.” And with that, Jackie quietly closed the door behind himself. Marvin stayed sitting up, listening to Jackie return to his own room before settling back into the blankets himself. With a soft smile on his face and the nightmare mostly forgotten, the man slowly closed his eyes and allowed himself to sleep until the morning sun gently woke him up with a warm kiss.

#my writing #shut up jelly #fanfic #jackieboy man #marvin the magnificent #angst #fluff #nightmares #fire #comfort

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cosmosogler · 6 years ago

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hi guys. didn’t sleep much last night. didn’t prepare me well for today.

i did get up and get to my chores... eventually. it took an hour and a half to get up and moving once i got out of bed. i showered and that went so late i just skipped breakfast and made myself lunch.

harrison decided to wait until 4 hours before mom was set to show up to freak the hell out at me. he figured out i was avoiding him and i told him the truth. he didn’t stop doing things i told him repeatedly to stop doing. i said those comments made me feel bad. he did the whole “oh i’m a failure of a friend” shtick and i didn’t have the energy to turn around and ignore my hurt feelings to comfort his hurt feelings about my hurt feelings.

he made me so angry! i typed out a lot of messages and had to press my fists against the desk and take a deep breath and erase them and try again.

the reason i got so angry was because as soon as it became clear i wasn’t going to say “oh no it’s ok” or whatever he demanded i send him a list of boundaries i have for him to not cross. like buddy if you don’t know them by now then it’s either not a problem or a very big problem. (he doesn’t listen.) i told him i didn’t know off the top of my head and he basically freaked out over and over in the same exact way no matter how many times i told him i was too tired to give him a list of my life for his own convenience.

i told him that. “i don’t have a check list for your convenience.” his response was “then how am i supposed to learn?” he sent me that literal message word for word after i told him twice that i am not his teacher or his babysitter. i have a full time job and it is not “patiently teach harrison about the magical ways of the world constantly and repeatedly at his pleasure forever and ever.”

i was so angry. i didn’t have time for that. i didn’t really get to prepare myself for mother before she showed up because i was grinding my teeth and taking deep breaths about harrison for two hours this afternoon. i sent him a link to a long pdf about emotional labor. that’s what he’s sapping out of me. the emotional labor. he won’t read it or understand it. but i told him to talk to literally anyone besides me about it. i know he won’t. he doesn’t listen. he doesn’t really listen to me. it doesn’t matter what i do. he’s just going to put me in these lose-lose situations forever and it’s exhausting and i have OTHER THINGS I NEED TO DO WITH MY DAY!!!

so i stumbled down to the parking lot to greet mother. we went and got her checked in to her hotel and we had dinner. i ended up talking a lot more than i wanted to. when i found out dad’s mom wants to get another dog (she killed her last one) i couldn’t hold back a pretty nasty comment. didn’t have the patience i needed.

at least when mom started making judgmental comments about other people i had the presence of mind to say “that’s not really my business” and change the subject to something that is my business. like insurance and taxes and boring difficult impossible adult stuff. mother wasn’t very helpful with a pep talk. when dad called she had me answer the phone for her. dad asked how i was doing and i said “i’m ok” and then let the silence kind of hang there. then i relayed mom’s message and hung up.

i was starving all day (i didn’t have the energy to actually make myself a lunch) and then when i got my food i could barely eat anything at all. it took me like an hour to eat my pasta. i didn’t even finish it. i ate too much to keep the few bites remaining for leftovers but... my body was doing that thing where i felt weak from hunger and yet food was the last thing i wanted anywhere near me.

every time mom complains about genevieve i tell her the same thing. eve is bored. she’s out of shape. she needs more exercise. mom never listens though and nothing changes. nothing ever changes just because i asked for something.

feels like that at least.

i learned my sister has been taking anxiety medication for several years now. our primary doctor prescribes them, my sister won’t see a therapist or psychiatrist. it’s so frustrating sometimes. she seems so miserable all the time but it’s like she thinks seeing a counselor will make her a crazy person or something. and you can’t be a crazy person! they’re the worst thing you could possibly be.

stigma.

she might be a little proud, too. but the way my brother’s expression changes if therapy ever comes up, that sort of sharp flinch, i can tell that judgment is there. i don’t see why my sister wouldn’t feel a similar way.

anyway i came home and i was so tired i did nothing for several hours. i got started on a thing for the comic but i didn’t have the energy to move past a quick sketch. i watched fma for a bit... episode 40 is next.

i feel like i can’t draw fast enough. i wish it didn’t take so long to tell a story. i have a hundred things backed up that i REALLY want to draw. but no energy to actually draw them. i stare at my to-do list and i look at my sketchbook sitting next to me and i just sag a little. i’m feeling overwhelmed. and i can’t find that... drive, i guess, i keep wondering if anyone’s even reading it (even though i know people are reading it, and they want to know what happens next, because that’s what happens when you follow an ongoing story).

i want to talk about it with someone besides harrison but when i go to talk about my process or the characters or choices i made i kinda clam up. at least in creative writing club that five-second hesitation of “oh my god, there is a huge flood of information i could give about how i’m doing with this story, i’ve been making such good progress, what do i talk about?” got me absolutely nothing. i didn’t get to talk about it at all! the president moved on to his dnd campaign. i don’t have super-reflex wit... i needed a minute.

i guess with harrison it’s easier to talk about it because he hasn’t played the game and doesn’t have his own opinions about the characters. he has a different set of spoilers i can avoid. it’s way easier to talk about elements from the middle of the story (the part i wrote) when i’m sitting on the horrible bombshell twist of an ending to the game (the part i didn’t write). harrison knows some of my events and the characters but not where i’m going with all of it.

while with people who HAVE played the game, the middle of the story is going to be much more unknown! how do our protagonists get from where they are to where they end up in the game? (what changes did i decide to make to the game’s story? i’ve revealed a few already, a minor one and a major one.)

so it’s way harder to talk with them about my story because a different subset of the story is going to be unknown to them. that subset is the part that i put all the work into. if i talk too much about the middle of the story then there ain’t gonna be any big mysteries left.

i dunno. a solution to this problem would be to have more friends i guess. i never know what to say or how to say what i want to say. i’m still very afraid of the judgment. i get it. i’m a big gay nerd. but the minute you say “fanfiction” people get all weird about it. i had to be really careful about who i told about my art. and none of them even looked anyway. nothing even matters.

i feel so trapped.

i gotta run errands with mom tomorrow, probably most of the day. i’ve been putting together a list of things i need to collect or fix. mom likes having things to fix. and if i give her things to fix that are not me, we get along a little better. she gets to feel helpful, i get to have a working desk fan, and i don’t have yet another tense situation under my belt of “memories of mother.”

anyway. i don’t know what else to talk about. i feel like i have more to say but i’m not sure what it is i want to say, and even if i did i don’t have the energy to say it.

#uuuuuUUUUUUUGH

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defunctblogtobedeleted · 5 years ago

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8/28/19 8:09pm - Meanwhile, In Real Time (basically all of aug ‘19)

So today I only have one patient for the first time in like half a year. I guess it makes sense since it’s the end of august and insurance policies are starting to roll over. After so many busy weeks of work it’s really exciting though.

And it couldn’t have happened at a better time. For one I’m pretty excited to get writing and catching up on this past year. But for TWO, World of Warcraft Classic just launched this week. I wasn’t sure if I was going to like it. Yknow I never played it before because I was worried how it would eat my life like Runescape did. But Spencer and a bunch of NC Melee peeps wanted me to play so I’m in there. Looks like my obsessions really have cycled in order.

[continued at 11:04pm after putting pts to bed] Pokemon (first grade), Magic (third grade), Runescape (fourth grade), Halo/Gears (7th-9th), Guitar Hero (8th-10th), Quiz Bowl (11th&12th) , Ultimate Frisbee (12th-soph), League of Legends (soph-senior), Melee (senior-last year). I have a kind of filthy habit of playing so much that it’s debilitating and then finally breaking out of it only to move on to doing the same thing with something else.

Since quitting melee I’ve gotten obsessed with Pokemon and Magic, so it looks like getting into WoW was inevitable.

Just kidding, an unscheduled 2nd patient showed up and it turns out he’s actually supposed to be here so I’m not QUITE so free as all that, but it’s still not 3 patients, 2 is totally easy for me now.

Lol I took this screenshot when I got in to the office

as of now I’m all caught up with work and I’ve still got 133 minutes to go, so looks like I have plenty of time to write for a second.

So what do I have to catch up on? well my days have been looking like weds-thurs-fri are always work, saturday I’ll stay up all day doing something, sunday I’m usually sleeping in, Monday I’m usually either playing DnD or chilling playing games, and Tuesday is a chill day until karaoke.

The past two weekends have been kind of crazy though, so I just wanted to write about them for a minute before I got too far gone.

Actually, let’s go back to 3 weekends ago. I visited Dars because I needed to, it’s been too long. I meant to write a lot more than I did, but instead I stayed up late into the night watching Andi draw shit on twitch. I’ve been thinking about her a lot lately, mostly trying to collect all my thoughts on what I want to write about, but I definitely miss her and hope she’s doing okay. I ‘accidentally’ responded to a question she asked when she was talking to herself on stream, I hadn’t meant to talk to her at all I just wanted to see her do her thing and reflect on her a little. Really I wanted to watch her play breath of the wild. I miss us playing that together. Watching her enjoy something I enjoyed so much really made me happy. Anyway, I only bring that up because I tried to tune in again to actually watch her play BotW and found out she blocked me from her channel. I could still watch, which was nice, but I couldn’t say anything. Probably for the best. After watching her for a few hours I unfollowed her channel so I wouldn’t even try anymore.

Now you’re just somebody that I used to know.

I did that song at karaoke last night. I practiced in the bathroom and the car beforehand and was nailing it I thought. But I got up on stage and I was thinking of you and I bombed it. I haven’t bombed a song so hard since the time I tried to sing you I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing when I was in drunk-screaming mode, or the first time I tried to do MakeDamnSure. And those were when I was drunk. This I like just tried to get to the high notes and on stage I just couldn’t. My voice kind of broke. I cleared the crowd. It was humiliating, to be honest. I don’t know if I was tired from playing 12 hours of WoW with spencer yesterday (amazing, btw. I had a ton of fun), or if I was thinking of you too much, or if I was actually just floundering from making the first mistake (which doesn’t quite make sense because I’ve made mistakes and then fixed them easily in plenty of songs before). But it was awful. I got to hang out with some friends for a bit, sang The Hand That Feeds and did excellently at it, got some good cheers and shit, but I still felt like ass. Went home and played some melee and some more WoW and stayed up until 6am and slept 12 hours lmao.

So I had an avocado for dinner and now here I am. I’ve been doing more fasting days lately where I eat really light. They’re not true fasting days because usually I eat a bunch of nuts or something. But I don’t eat a big meal like I normally do once a day. Also I wanted to go back to Darlin’s because we watched zoolander, and at one point he says “bulimia is a great way to lose pounds before a shoot” and I was like “oh yeah, true.” lol so now if someone makes me eat a bunch of ice cream with them (darlin and jill), then I’ll do it and throw it up after -_-. Not the healthiest but I’ve only done it on like two or three occasions. I’m mostly being good. Only exercising once a week lately though, WoW kinda blew up everything this week and I’ve been hella busy lol.

Okay so week after Darlin’s, I made some new friends at karaoke that my buddy Skyler introduced me to there. I drove up to Virginia on Saturday to do Quarry Fest that tessa and her boyfriend had planned out on his property. It was fucking phenomenal. Spent the day day drinking and swimming, it was gorgeous out, beautiful people in swimsuits everywhere, made a whole bunch of new friends who loved me because they already loved tessa, saw a handful of old high school friends. I really got strong attraction vibes from my friend Emily, but she was there with a new boyfriend so ah well such a shame for her lmao. Stayed up until like 4 in the morning talking with people around a big bonfire, it was just like a fun old rappahannock field party where everyone knew everyone at least by a removal factor of one. Such a beautiful time. I fucking drunkenly danced my ass off all night while these live musicians and djs were on. Just phish style sway jammed out in the sand, made my legs fucking exhausted lol. Moving in sand is so fucking hard! I’d get a drink, chug it down, spin around drunkenly jam around for a bit, sober up, get a new drink, rinse and repeat lmao. The Diet Dr Pepper and white rum idea later in the night was miserable though. FUCK diet drinks they’re not adequate mixers. holy blegh. plus the rum was hot as balls I need to find a new kind of liquor to keep in my trunk. The best idea I’ve heard from people so far is sake. I loved Tessa’s boyfriend’s family too. The one little brother had the same supreme cheetah print that I had on except he had the boxers, we really hit it off actually. After sleeping in my car for the night I woke up and went skinny dipping for like an hour or so, I spent a lot of the next morning talking to him and his girlfriend, mostly entertaining her with the weird stories that I tell on here. She said I was probably the craziest person she’d ever met, and wished that I lived closer so that she could hook me up with her sister. She said she needed to try someone fun like me out LMAO. Then their family made a huge breakfast at their house and I got to pig out on some lox and chit chat with tessa about shit before heading back to Raleigh.

That’s right, I went there and came back for just a day because I needed to be back the next night for Emo Karaoke LOL. There’s no way I was gonna miss it, it’s only once a month.

It was the craziest thing though. My friends caitlin and gretchen came to emo karaoke but it hadn’t started yet because of an open mic poetry night, so they split to go to Ruby’s annual No Pants Party and told me to meet up with them if I wanted to. I was the first person to sing, I did The Used and it went fantastically. I met this guy morgan and his girlfriend elizabeth I think, and she emailed me a video of it lol I love it. I also sang backup vocals for him on MakeDamnSure, I was so happy that he asked me, I’ve literally practiced doing the backup singing just in case someone ever did hahaha. But after my song this girl walks up to me and says “did you go to chapel hill? Do you remember who I am?” I look at her and it’s none other than fucking LEXI. Like huge crush in college Lexi. Like written about her at least a handful of times at LEAST Lexi. Like I named my fucking CAR after you Lexi. So I was like “HOLY SHIT YES” oh my god and caught up with her and I’m 90% sure she was there with another guy, but I got to meet her friends and chit chat and I screamed my fucking throat out that night. My voice was already toasty from singing in the car all the way up and back from virginia but after that it was torched lmao. I also did The Used+MCR’s Under Pressure with my friend from there Kenny, got some chick’s number, and the list was full so I dipped after that.

Went to the no pants party and it wasn’t super crazy, but I got some beautiful pics lol. Caitlin helped me tie up my shirt super cute, I wore it as a blouse and as an ascot hahaha. But hanging with them at the no pants party mostly got me to this afterparty at a friend’s place downtown. I had rum and bought some coke that we threw in the freezer, but instead of mixing the coke and rum me and Jacob had this great idea to mix the rum with freezie pops to see if it was any good. Did like 3 shots testing it out to see if the ratio could work. Mostly it tasted like a bad slushie lol. Went to the porch to smoke a cig and people started passing some coke around so I did a little of that, and started having this long ass conversation with this girl MJ. We hit it off for like literally an hour on the porch at 4 in the morning. We talked about pokemon and tons of nerdy video game shit, and it turns out she had been at karaoke that week, I had already listened to her singing! I got her number and have since tried to hit her up a few times to hang out. She’s always responded to all of my texts IMMEDIATELY. like within the minute fast. It’s weird. But unfortunately either because she’s not actually interested or because she’s truly been too busy, I haven’t been able to meet up with her to do anything. I guess we’ll see if that ever develops, but I think she was really cool. I really hope I at least get to make a pass at her. After that I brought gretchen back to my place to hang out. Didn’t try to hook up with her or anything, but we just wanted to chill and do some blow that I had leftover and wanted to get rid of. Did some talking about some fucked up shit going on with some of her friends dying, but it was mostly in the context of her wanting to go back to the party to try to find an adderall on the ground when we ran out of shit. At like 8 in the morning we drove around to pick up some shit, but nobody was awake, she gave me half an adderall to try to help me stay up but after I popped it I still took a nap in the car while we waited so I was like yeah nah I’m tapping out. After driving to virginia and back and having two late party nights I was fucking spent and didn’t want to miss my appointment to drop my car off for repairs. Honestly though, I have no fucking idea what Brandon saw in her that made him so coocoo for her. She seems like your typical party hardy everything-sucks kind of girl. I don’t think I’ve heard her say a positive thing about...anything. She’s always shit talking or talking down about life or saying she wants to go somewhere else that’s cooler, or that older parties were more fun or some shit. Meh. Luckily I’m not the one tryna bang her, and Caitlin totally balances her out with how smiley and happy she is when I hang out with them. Her and Jacob are cute as fuck too.

But I DID end up making it to my appointment. My car is almost done being fixed!!

Then I had a board game night that monday, me and Trent and Steven played some of this train game called snowdonia and I narrowly lost. Steven almost always beats me, that fucker lol. I really respect how smart he is about magic and game theory in general tbh.

Last week there was karaoke and work. At karaoke I found out this really cute smiley girl Hannah (a friend/coworker of my lesbian couple friends) is getting a divorce from her husband (she’s like 24), and so thattt’s pretty interesting. I don’t wanna make moves because she’s wonderful and I don’t want to be a douche, but she’s like... still the happiest person I’ve ever met even in the midst of changing her entire life. I kinda wish I could go on a date with her just to find out more about her lol. Saturday I didn’t sleep so that I could go to my friend Helena’s place for her to dye and cut my hair. I really followed through on wanting it to look like Brad Pitt from Once Upon A Time In Hollywood like I decided when we saw it darlin’s lol. I really wanted to change my hair, I’m kind of sick of having bangs in my face and need to symbolically move on to doing something new. Then saturday afternoon/evening I got drunk as fuckkkk with broscious and irene for their housewarming party. First time getting really drunk with them it was so much fun! We played a drinking game while watching a glassblowing show where we drank every time they said glass or blew, so it was pretttty good hahaha. I probably overdid it with the threesome and trap jokes later with their friends when we got to the bar lol, but they seemed so innocent I had to fuck with them a little hahaha. Fell asleep on the floor of their living room at like 3 in the morning because someone else had dibs on the couch. Woke up at like 7am blegh, found out I lost my house key lol, went back to sleep at my place til noon, then went to play board games with steven trent and reyad again. After that I went to boxcar to meet up with Maya, and she had brought a bunch of her coworkers and Rianne as usual, so it was a great time. We bounced from boxcar to Rianne’s place, got to drink with Ollie and played this weird frog golf game and we discussed whether Blonde or Channel Orange was the better Frank Ocean album. They ALL were fighting me that Channel Orange was just better in every way, but I still think Blonde is incredible. I offered to take Jill home to her place since she lives nearby, we got some mcdonalds and watched some american dad and had some great sex. and again the next morning, and again in the afternoon. So luckily that’s still working out, I thought it had fallen apart, but I’ll explain more on that later on when I finish playing catchup. I took her back to her car and we got some good ass ramen downtown.

We made tentative plans to hang out again the next day and maybe go thrifting and I spent the rest of monday playing Melee for a couple hours. But I woke up at 9am and started playing WoW with spencer, so when she hit me up that she was getting off work at like 3pm I was in the middle of a 6 hour bingefest playing WoW for the first time in my life. He told me I should keep playing with him so I didn’t fall behind and so I thought about it... and then I did lmao. I said that I was nerding out with my roommate and asked if she wanted to hang out after karaoke. She said yeah definitely but she might go to bed earlier than normal (~3) because she had to work a double. I hit her up at midnight to leave karaoke early after that embarrassment of a performance, but she never responded. I think she said she wanted to hang out so that she could blow me off too, tbh. But jokes on her, I got to play more melee until I could get through the login queue for WoW and got to play for another 3 hours. Perfect.

Though more sex would’ve been nice, for sure.

Anyway, things are going wonderfully. I’m going to a big concert in raleigh in two weeks. Probably just nerding out this weekend since I mixed up my weekends and didn’t make plans. Helena dyed my hair with highlights to look like brad pitt, but I’m changing it to be totally blonde like Maya and Rianne want instead. They miss my old yellow hair lol and Oliver and everyone I’ve asked did too so I’m gonna try it out again.

Definitely ready to move forward and try some new things.

I’ve been thinking about Andi way too much the past two weeks. It sucks. I really want to talk to her. And give her her chair back. So I want to see her. But I know I’m feeling good with everything so really things are better off just moving on I guess. Maybe once I finally write my catchup posts about her I can stop thinking about her. But it’s made me procrastinate a lot, I’m like literally doing anything I can to not write these last handful of catchup posts...

But I promise I will soon. I need to do it. Maybe that’s what I’ll do saturday while I wait for the queue for WoW to thin out lmao. It’s currently 12:06 and I still have an estimated time of 13 minutes after trying to log in at 7:45 lol.

Also tryna cop some supreme clothes tomorrow. Wish me luck, I Really hope I can get this tiger print jacket and hat. Boutta drop a mint lol. Clothes are kinda fun. It’s nice not dressing like a hobo all the time, I guess. Mostly because it’s hot. Once it’s the right temperature to wear pajama pants again you better believvvve I’m gonna just get fancy sweatpants lmfao.

Anyway, queue’s finally done! holy shit yeah it’s only 12:15 Kappa. Gonna go play some WoW love you guys bye <3

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ovenmitt · 4 years ago

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From the Fog, She Sings

STRANGER THINGS FANFICTION

Summary: In the months following season one, Mike is devastated by the disappearance of Eleven. He begins sensing her when he’s at home, right before he falls asleep, and quickly learns that she is trying to contact him from somewhere beyond Hawkins. Mike realizes that he can spend as much time with El as he wants, as long as he’s asleep, in a world where nothing can hurt them. But when trouble arises in this paradise, will Mike and Eleven be able to get help from their friends in this world of their own design?

Chapter One: The Hole

Sometimes, when the length of the day slips into nullity and his feet are wound tightly in the folds of his blanket, Mike can feel her.

At first she manifested from coincidence, born as a cool breeze blowing through a closed window--unusual but not extraordinary. Not in Hawkins, at least. He would be floating on the brink of sleep, slipping blissfully into a world where her absence didn’t leave an open sore on his unwieldy life, when the temperature seemed to drop ten degrees and he would go still, unwavering, listening with bated breath as if he could hear her small feet move across the carpet of his bedroom. But then, just as quickly as the feeling had surfaced, it would be swallowed by the ambiance of the Wheeler household. Of Nancy talking to Jonathan on the phone, or his dad shuffling loudly down the stairs to take up residence in front of the T.V.

And then she would be gone.

And the hole grows even bigger.

---

The sun vanishes behind a set of dark clouds when Mike wheels his bike out from the garage. His backpack rests snuggly between his shoulder blades as he pedals onto the splintery road, swerving between the lanes on his way to Meadow Street. At the center of Roane county lies the city of Hawkins. Nestled in the embrace of thick forests and a swelling river that runs along its southern stretch, the township is modest but size can be deceiving.

Like any small town,Hawkins has its bad apples. Its moments of darkness are so thick it seems the sun won’t rise again. That life will never revert back to normality. Unlike other towns, however, Hawkins is home to true evil. Monsters, both human and non, roam the woods. It can be easy to get caught up in the freak show, Mike thinks as he speeds past Hawkins’ Power Plant and onto Main Street, devoured and never seen again.

She made it better, though.

As soon as he saw her, he knew. She saved the world. She saved him, more than once.

However, only those who lived through the disappearance of Will Byers would know anything about that.

Mike drags his feet on the pavement as Dustin’s house barrels into view, a stunt he knows his mom will notice and complain about later. He’s been growing at least an inch a week. Karen has bought him three new pairs of shoes in the last two months even without him wearing the soles down. Mike hops off his bike, leaving it overturned in the Hendersons’ driveway, and takes off around the side of the house in search of his friend.

Mrs. Henderson knocks on the kitchen window and waves pleasantly through the glass. She smiles and points at the line of trees surrounding the yard as if to say, “He’s in there, doing God knows what.” Mike nods politely and swallows the lump in his throat. He tries to avoid the woods at all costs these days, as a rule. However, school starts in an hour and they still have to meet with Mr. Clarke about A.V. club. So, Mike puts one foot in front of the other. The skin on the backs of his knees go clammy as the sun disappears again behind a set of thick, dark clouds.

“Perfect,” Mike mutters.

Once at the edge of the wood, he stops and squints, willing his eyes to see past the gloom and into the thicket of branches that cover the path. It’s so silent, so completely isolated at the edge of the trees that Mike thinks he hears Mrs. Henderson folding laundry at the kitchen table. He looks around again for Dustin, anxious to get back into the open.

“Dustin?” Mike’s voice bounces off the tree trunks, startling a bird into sudden flight. No answer. He clears his throat again and takes a tentative step into the wood, his sneakers crunching loudly on a loose pile of compost.

Suddenly, he is transported to a stormy night last fall. A city-wide search. His two friends armed with yellow rain slickers and flashlights, searching for Will in a sprawl of trees not far from here. They were desperate, like Mrs. Byers, to find her son. Chief Hopper had insisted that things like “what happened to the Byers kid,” don’t happen in towns like Hawkins. It wasn’t until that rainy night when they found her drenched to the bone, head shaved, and dressed in only a t-shirt did Mike realize the terrible things that can happen to kids.

“Hey, look what I found!”

Mike jumps, nearly turning to sprint back into the yard, when Dustin pokes his head out from behind a tree and lifts a clenched fist. His toothless grin does little to take the edge off as Mike yells, “Dustin, you scared the shit out of me!” His friend laughs and stumbles onto the dirt path.

“Sorry, man. Look,” Dustin holds out his fist and presents a blue and black striped lizard. “I found a Blue Racer!” Mike nods curtly, turning to make his way back onto the green grass. The sun emerges from its cocoon and Mike’s skin instantly warms. He sighs, smiles at Dustin, and asks, “What’s so special about that, again?”

Another toothless grin. “Only that these babies can move at about 4.3 miles per hour, making them fast enough to outrun most any predator.” Mike nods, impressed, as Dustin swings open the back door and sets his lizard down on the counter. Mrs. Henderson rounds the corner and drops her laundry basket, screaming at the sight of Dustin’s new friend.

“Dusty, why do you always leave me to put these things in the terrarium?”

“Mom, we’re running late for a very important meeting,” Mike laughs and watches from the yard as Dustin searches for his backpack and sticks an apple in his mouth. “Cuh pl puh h in dh…”

Mrs. Henderson puts her hands on her hips and frowns. “Don’t talk with your mouth full.” Dustin slings his backpack over his shoulder and says, quickly, “I owe you one. Bye mom!” With a slam of the back door, Mike and his friend jog to the driveway where they mount their bikes. Even more clouds have gathered in the sky, forming an angry gray wall. Mike pulls a rain slicker out of his backpack. “Just in case,” He replies to Dustin’s raised eyebrows.

“Scared of a little rain, Wheeler?”

Mike rolls his eyes and begins the trudge down the street, toward Lucas and closer to school. “Yeah right.” He says, and Dustin laughs, but not before pulling his hat down over his eyes. Mike can smell the rain, see the leaves on the trees inverting to protect the supple skin of their faces. He used to like the rain, back when the Party could play outside without fear. Now it just reminds him of her. Of her small, pretty face as thick droplets gathered on her eyelashes, the corners of her lips. Of the Upside Down. Mike picks up speed, hoping to outrun the storm.

“I’m just saying, we should probably check out the new arcade before it becomes too congested with people who are only interested in playing Duck Hunt,” Lucas takes a fervent bite of his PB & J, a slick of grape jelly sticking to the end of his nose. Will gestures timidly and Lucas drags his sleeve across his face before continuing, “I’m just saying. I want to be one of the first to log a high score.”

Lunch time at Hawkins Middle means strategizing. What will they do after school? Homework, obviously, but then what? DnD is on the table as always, but Mike hasn’t felt much like saving villages from monsters since his encounter with the Demogorgon. Immediately after the thought forms Mike feels his stomach sumersault. With one final swallow he pushes his lunch tray toward the center of the table and peeks over at Will.

His friend is staring, like always, at the table in front of him.

Much to the dismay of his mother and chief Hopper alike, Will Byers has elected not to speak of his time in the Upside Down. Even Mike, who knows he’s Will’s best best friend, has never heard all of what is surely a horrifying tale. Will doesn’t notice Mike staring. Hell, he hardly notices anything anymore since his return to Hawkins. Mike cocks his head to the side and uses Lucas and Dustin’s brief debate on the Hobbit as an opportunity to really study the kid who went missing for nearly a month last year.

The first thing he notices is Will looks tired. Exhausted, like he hasn’t slept a whole night through for six months. His skin is thin and sallow, the color of yellow paper lanterns. He doesn’t eat much anymore and it shows especially in the hollowness under his cheekbones. Mike wonders if he’s been to therapy, too.

The bell rings, and just like that lunchtime is over. The Party stands and gathers their scraps, Lucas and Dustin hardly noticing the heavy silence stemming from the other two. Mike moves slowly, deliberately, as two of his friends head down the hallway to prepare for fourth period. The cafetiera clears and Mike notices that Will hasn’t moved. He feels his eyebrows knit together.

“Will?”

Nothing. He doesn’t even blink.

Mike rises unsteadily and swears at how fleshy his anxiety has become. Even the slightest whiff of weirdness makes his heart race. He moves his feet, one in front of the other, until he is standing in front of his friend. Hey man,” Mike begins. When nothing happens he waves a clammy hand in Will’s face.

Nothing.

The warning bell sounds and Mike shakes his head, trying to clear the fog building between his ears. He swallows uselessly at the coppery taste of fear in his throat. “Hey, the bell...we have…” Will’s head snaps up. Mike’s heart skips three beats as the whites in Will’s eyes have gone gray. His mouth hangs open in a silent scream. “Class.” Mike finishes timidly. When Will still doesn’t move, Mike grabs his backpack and shuffles quickly and silently around the table. He decides to go and find the school nurse when a cold hand grabs his forearm, stopping him in his tracks.

Will stands slowly, fluidly, in a way that is not native to him. Mike winces as his skin is caught by Will’s nails, as the grip on his arm tightens. His friend leans in close to Mike’s face, and the air suddenly smells like rain. Will lets out a sharp, sudden breath and raises a finger to Mike’s forehead.

“I don’t understand…” his voice sounds thin even to his own ears.

Will shakes his head once. Twice. And traces a number right between Mike’s eyes with his fingernail

0 1 1.

CHAPTER TWO COMING SOON!

please let me know what you think of the fic so far. Best wishes!

#strangerthings #stranger things fanfiction #Mike Wheeler #Jane Hopper #Will Byers #Jonathan Byers #Nancy Wheeler #Dustin Henderson #steve harrington #jim hopper #joyce byers #lucas sinclair #eleven hopper #mileven #fandom #otp #fluff #fanfic

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akaiiunmei · 7 years ago

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So…I want to just say things. Mainly why…I’ve barely been on here or at least to get into full swing with RPing. I have threads I’ve even put on hold with my roommate and….I guess I just want to say everything. Maybe it’ll give me some peace of mind or…maybe it’ll just make me sadder. I…don’t know.

All of this is just my thoughts at the moment. ..It’s just how I feel.

So if anyone wants to know, back on September 26th. I got fired from my job at Burger King. I was already hating the job as it was because, I felt unneeded and unwanted. I ended up going home that Friday due to a major panic attack that…I have no idea what started it. Maybe just the enviorment…whatever. That day, I told my mother what happened and..I got an earful. Mainly her telling me that I should have just shut up and sucked it up for things that were happening there. That my anxiety and depression isn’t mental. That I can control it. That…basically all of this was my fault. I ended up nearly crying on the phone. I got over that but…everything has been just…difficult.

I got Danganronpa V3 on Tuesday and basically isolated myself while I played it. It…was something to get my head off things. The depression slowly went away and I was just…distracted. However, a lot of things started building up. In my isolation, I ended up ignoring my roommates. I ended up abandoning current threads and just…wanted to play my game. I felt horrible. Because I know RPing helps his mental heath but…I didn’t want to. And I felt bad that I didn’t want to. I thought things would be okay once I finished the game but…it only got worse. Fast forward towards my birthday weekend. I had wanted to enjoy it. Play some DnD, laugh and be silly. But stuff happened. Noon session got cancelled for the 3rd week in a row. Roommate’s car had to be fixed again. We did have a good lunch and our late session was nice. And we made plans to have fun Sunday and Monday. Monday was the one I wanted the most. Because I wanted to do something on my birthday. I had wanted to make it special somehow.

…Then plans fell through. We didn’t do anything on Monday. I kind of just…sat there and had the day go by. Then I had to do the dishes. I didn’t get a call from my own mother, just a gif saying happy birthday. That’s…the stuff that hits me the most. Some of my friends forgot it but…I understood that. But…it caused the demons in my head to attack. Saying I was horrible and all those other things. I…didn’t see it as “Happy” I just saw it as…”..It’s a day.” and no it’s not because of my roommates or anything. I just…wanted to do something. Play board games or play Smash. I didn’t expect anything from them, I already knew. I guess…I just wanted to do something. I didn’t even get a cake this year because one person can’t have it so…I’d feel horrible if I got a cake for my own birthday and not everyone can have it.

Guess…I didn’t want tradition to break but in my heart, I knew it had to. I only have 180 bucks total in my account. I can’t afford a cake or anything like that. I could barely afford it last year too and then Russell got mad because the birthday person isn’t supposed to see the cake. That Zach should have ordered it but…I knew he wouldn’t so that’s why I did. …I guess just treating my birthday as a day is…better for me. It’ll hurt but if I dont’ expect anything, then I can’t be hurt as much. I remember as I did the dishes, I…started to cry. My boyfriend wanted to do something special but…I couldn’t think of anything he could do. I couldn’t think of anything. All I could think…was the negative, especially since last year was okay but then got bad at the end.

Sorry…I’m done babbling about that. Then the next day, I got my period which made things even worse. I already felt like garbage all day. My roommate got a pinched nerve and…all my focus just went to him. I cared so much and I just wanted to help in any way I could. That’s how I am with people I live with. They’re hurting. So…I want to help. Though, I felt like absolute garbage and even when I got my jacket…it didn’t fit as well as I’d like but, I guess that happens. It’ll stretch. I also…readded my ex-stalker on Facebook. Just…to see if things had changed. He said they did…but I don’t believe him. I don’t believe him at all. I had started feeling though…like I was a pushover by just adding him again. The feelings just magnified and though that night…things hit me and I wanted to call my boyfriend just to talk to him but, I didn’t get to. He fell asleep before we could and I think we didn’t even get to talk that day at all. I don’t remember.

Wednesday was when my mood took a fucking dive. I remember not smiling very much and…just trying to stay around people. I smiled around them but…I didn’t feel myself as “Happy” I just felt it as “…Trying to Be.” My roommate helped me with my errands and things were okay though…everything hit that night. All the voices. All the depression. All the anxiety. It…caused me to grab my key and scratch at my arm. It was overflowing so bad. Everything was just…building. I texted my boyfriend what I did and…he shook me. He got angry at me for doing that and…i lost it.I was fucking hysterical. I cried so much that night and…I couldn’t sleep. He called me at 3 am when he woke up and…we talked for awhile until I could sleep. Though…the mental strain hit the next day. I didn’t want to do anything. I tried sitting at my laptop and then….I just went to my room and curled up. All the depression had hit me like a truck. I was crying on the inside. I was just dancing with those dark thoughts. The thoughts of…”if I disappeared, would anyone care?” I was able to talk to my roommate about one issue and…I feel better about it but…it’s just one of many. A lot…I can’t put into words.

……….

………….

Now…I’m just sitting here. Dancing with these dark thoughts again. All these voices. That just scream at me. I’m trying to tell them to shut up. But..I already feel like I’m a horrible person. That I’m not good enough. That I’m not anything. Thinking I’m just a horrible horrible roommate and I’m just a waste of space. I haven’t eaten anything today because the voices in my head are just saying “Don’t eat. If you didn’t, you’d have more money.” My characters are all muted and…I haven’t felt that I’ve had a good idea in a long time. My creativity has just…run dry and I can’t even bring myself to play a game. I can’t…bring myself to do anything.

…And now…I feel horrible that I’m even feeling like this. There’s just that part of my brain telling me I’m selfish because I’m even feeling like this. That I’m only good for one thing and that’s just cleaning. I…dont’ know what’s going on with me. I thought…once I got with someone and was in love with them…these damn voices would go away. I’m better off than I was, I’m in a better home…so why haven’t they gone away? Why…?

…Why do I feel like this?! Why am I having these damn outbursts?! Why…do I just want to end this all and stop this damn mental game?! I know I’m loved! I know I’m cared for! ….Why…can’t I just be normal like everyone wants me to be?! Why…can’t I just accept that my mother will never understand?! Why can’t I just accept that…I’ll probably never get over my damn ex so I’ll probably never be able to fully give my boyfriend the love and support he deserves?! Because he’s been so great and…why am i scared my friends don’t approve of him?! Why am I scared of getting out there and finding another job?! Because I’m afraid I’ll be fired or forced to quit again?!

…….

……

….

…Why can’t…I just be normal? Why can’t I just smile every day and not worry about anything? Why does one thing have to trigger 300 other things? …I dont’ get it. I…don’t get it at all.

……

….

…I need a hug. I stood out on the porch last night, hugging myself and rocking back and forth. Tears in my eyes.

……

…

I know this will all pass. I just…want it to pass quicker. Maybe then…I could be happy. Right now? I just don’t know.

…I dont’ know.

…I don’t know anymore.

…Sorry about all this. If you read this then…I thank you. I’ll try to get back into the normal swing of things. Just…give me some time. I’m trying. I’m trying…just to breathe again. It’s…honestly taking all my strength not to act on these thoughts. …Because I know who would be sad.

….And I’m probably going to anger people for posting this but…I can’t keep it inside anymore. And maybe I want people to read it. I…dont’ know. Either way. I’m…going to see if I can clear my head. Maybe.

….I don’t know right now.

I’ll….see you guys all around. Sorry for the depression. I’ll be back with happier posts.

#tw: depression #tw: anxiety #tw: self-harm mention #tw: suicidal thoughts #tw: negative thoughts #;the queen has spoken #you don't have to read this if you dont' want to

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