#then again my depression is the worst it’s been in years i’m having anhedonia so i literally don’t care about anything at all

[bpdlottiematthews]

I’m beginning to realize that the Daemon/Rhaenyra dynamic is what really draws me into House of the Dragon. It’s by far the most fascinating dynamic to me with all of the messiness and toxicity that comes with incest and a large age gap. I think a major reason I’ve been feeling so disconnected from the show and the characters this season is because I’m really here for Daemon and Rhaenyra. When they’re separated, I just check out. Nobody else on the show, no other relationship or dynamic, is nearly as interesting to me.

[maximuswolf]

Best Game to Recapture a Gamers Heart?

Best Game to Recapture a Gamers Heart? I’ll say more below but in a nutshell they lost interest and happiness in gaming and it’s now been roughly 3 years since they played anything at all. The last game they played was Cyberpunk 2077 and they spent over a thousand, maybe two thousand hours in it; this from when it was launched, on OC, screw the patches. And they’d probably start up again as soon as their new PC comes in. They also enjoyed the first The Forest, The Witcher 3, Sekiro, Darkest Dungeon, the first three Mass Effect Games, Dragon Age: Origins (and only that DA game) plus a number of shooters I can’t remember. In the dark ages they really liked the original Baldur’s Gate and Baldur’s Gate 2, with expansions, as well as Doom 3 and Half Life 2 plus its packs.So, the above is just there to give you the best memory I have of their history, if that helps give ideas for some game that might whet their interest and appetite for playing. Now, in regards the reason they stopped playing, so you’ll understand it’s more than just growing older and past the hobby. They have a few mental health issues, including bipolar depression (think of it as really, really severe depression) and anhedonia. Anhedonia is where you stop being able to take pleasure in anything, and in the worst cases the most basic and simplest of pleasures. They’re currently in therapy and taking medication that seems to have put them in a much better headspace. In addition to that they’ll be taking a few college classes next year, just light stuff at first.So my thought was that a hobby like gaming has previously been a real way for them to engage and get some entertainment. I’ve debated between console and PC; I view console as more casual personally, where you’re able to launch and drop out with far greater ease which could be a real benefit. But they’re going to need a computer no matter what and since previously they were used to computer gaming, I feel they’d miss those superior graphics and performance too much.Anyway, I’m looking for some help to pick out a game or games that might either ease them back into gaming, and / or securely catch and lure them. Submitted November 24, 2024 at 02:07PM by Appellion https://ift.tt/NMq5HX7 via /r/gaming

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #457

“blue are the words i say and what i think  /  blue are the feelings that live inside of me”

Do you buy your lingerie at Victoria’s Secret? No. That shit is so overpriced and not for my size group. Would you ever use an online dating service? I never would again. Are you good at multitasking? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Have you ever eaten Frosted Mini Wheats? Ugh, those are so gross. What does your bikini look like? You think THIS bitch wears a bikini??????????????????????? Does age really matter in a relationship? To an extent, yes. How much does the last person you kissed mean to you? I honestly don't even know if I'd be here without her. Almost like magic, Sara popped back into my life right after I returned home from the hospital following my suicide attempt. She helped make recovery possible as a solid source of support. Do you use lotion? Not NEARLY enough. My skin is so dry; I need to. Do you believe in teenage love? I experienced it deeply and thoroughly, so yes. Have you ever sat on the roof of your house? No. Do you like Sublime? I like that one popular one of theirs. "Santaria" or whatever it's called? What’s your favorite movie genre? Paranormal horror, especially the "found footage" type. It's creepy to imagine it being actually real. Is there a celebrity that you’d be willing to have a one night stand with? If he was single? I know in my gut I would lmaooooo Do you want to live in your current town the rest of your life? OH MY GOD PLEASE NO If you found out today your best friend was gay what would you do? She's demisexual, so. She can like anybody. If you could get a pet for free today-what kind/what name? A tegu, because it wouldn't need an enclosure that I don't have. I'd let it free roam. God, I can only imagine Roman's reaction. How many people have you slept with? If you mean what I think you do by "slept," one. Do you ever wish you had a family business to become a part of? Not really. What’s the most gruesome way you could come up with to kill someone? Hunny, have you seen my dark RP????? The world best be glad I'm a pacifist lmfao Do you think anyone deserves to die that way? I don't believe in torture, so no. If you had to fight for survival, what would your weapon of choice be? A gun, I guess? I'd want something with range and that's quick. I wanted to say a bow and arrow, but preparing another arrow after shooting once could really cost you your life. Where did you buy your favorite pair of jeans? I don't wear jeans anymore. Do you have a large dog? We don't have a dog, period. If not, are you afraid of them? No, I love big 'ole puppos!!!!! I just don't wanna own a dog myself. Are you good at playing darts? Holy fuck no, I have NO hand-eye coordination. I once stabbed the guy at a balloon popping booth thing with a dart in the arm, if that tells you anything, ooooooooooof. Do you like breaded chicken sandwiches? YESSSSSSSSS omg Do your parents know that/if you smoke? They know that I don’t. Have you ever been under a blacklight? Omg so in elementary school, we did this thing once where we all washed our hands as best we could and then put them under some sort of light (maybe a blacklight, idk???) to see JUST how resilient germs are. You gotta scrub the fuck out ya hands, people. How many pounds do you want to lose? I'd rather not share a number, but a lot. What’s your favorite natural phenomenon? The Northern Lights. Do you snore? Very surprisingly for someone with sleep apnea like mine, I actually don't. How many people do you know with the same first name as you? Off the very top of my head, one, but it's spelled differently. I KNOW I know of a shitload more Brittanys, though. Is it possible you could be pregnant? Well, I haven't been intimate with a man in years and just finished my period, so like- Could you go a day without texting? I go most days without texting. Do you have a step-parent? My dad is remarried, so yes. If so, do you get along with them? She's EXTREMELY Christian, so her beliefs wildly disagree with mine, but I keep my mouth shut a lot just to keep the peace. She IS a very sweet woman, nevertheless, and am glad she and my dad are so happy together. Does your current/last job require that you wear a uniform? My last job (which lasted not even two hours lol) did. When will your driver’s license expire? My permit has been expired for like... two years. Do you live in an apartment? No. If the last person you kissed proposed to you what would you say? That's too wild a concept to even imagine. I'd probably ask if she was okay lmao. Would you ever get back with one of your exes? Weeeelp, I want to get back together with Girt. Pretty badly. Write a foreign word, and what it means: "Schadenfreude" is a German term that essentially means secondhand embarrassment, but it doesn't have a perfect translation. Is there an ex you think about everyday? Inevitably. That's PTSD, my friends. Who is the last person that you said I love you to, besides family members? Sara. What's the worst thing you have ever said to anyone? Something along the lines of "no one could ever love you like I do." It boils my blood just typing that; I considered even deleting this question. That quote right there is fucking manipulation, even IF I thoroughly believed it. Who was the last person to comment one of your pictures? I don't feel like looking. Do you tend to go for older or younger when looking for someone to date? It's weird, I'm into slightly older-than-me guys, but probably girls who are barely a bit younger than me. Have you ever been used? I don't think so. Have you ever not been able to get someone out of your head? Like I've said in plenty of surveys: Jason is probably a permanent fixture. But also as of the past two days, Girt's been living up there. I went from "hmmm I just don't know how I feel" to "FUCK I want to talk to him about how stupidly into him I am right this fucking INSTANT" pretty goddamn fast. It kinda scares me just because of how extreme my feelings are. Again. That's only ever gotten me hurt. Buuuut let's not get into that. Have you ever got caught cheating on a test? No, because I've never tried to. Will your next kiss be a mistake? I hope it won't be. But it's not like I know the future. Have you ever worn an oxygen mask? Actually yes, when I was young and thought I was having an asthma attack or something. Mom had one for her own asthma. Then I obviously wore one for surgery. What song do you want to be played at your funeral? "Paradise" by Coldplay is absolutely #1. How many swear words are in the song you’re listening to? I'm not listening to music; I'm back to watching Gab play Sekiro. What color was the last swimsuit you wore? Black. Have you ever kissed anyone of the same sex, and if so, who? Yeah, just Sara. Who did you last tell to ‘shut up’? Ha, I think my WoW friend Lyndsey, but only playfully, of course. We pick fun at each other all the time. Would you ever get a tattoo of a boyfriend/girlfriend's name? NOOOOOOOOO. Are you one of those girls who already have baby names picked out? I know what I'd name my kids IF I actually wanted any, yeah, but I don't. Do you think guys with long hair are attractive? Yessss, I love long hair on guys. Are any of your siblings taller than you? I think Ashley is a liiiiil bit taller? I know my brother is, for sure. Have you ever scared someone so badly that they cried? Yikes, no. When was the last time you wore high heels? Boy oh boy, no idea. Is there someone that you want to hurt right now? Jeez, no thanks. What was the most interesting or colorful birthday cake you’ve had? I don't remember, but I'm sure something from childhood. What was the last thing someone bought you? Was it expensive? Mom bought me food from McD's, which obviously isn't expensive. Do you have any interesting moles anywhere you don’t want people to know of? No. Have you ever gotten high or drunk in a really formal place? Strong "no" there. Do you ever write poetry and post it on any certain websites? On the very rare occasion I write poetry and actually like it, I'll sometimes post it on dA. What do you miss most about your childhood? Actually, genuinely having fun and not dealing with fucking anhedonia. Would you like to know the precise date of your future death? Hell no. Do you photograph well? I'd like to hope so. Are there any animals you flat out refuse to touch? Maggots and similar bug larvae. What super power would you refuse, if it was offered to you, and why? Mind reading. It just sounds... awful and overwhelming. What’s your favorite discontinued product that you wish would come back? Oh, I KNOW I have answers to this, just none are coming to me immediately and I don't feel like sitting here for five minutes thinking about it. If adults had show and tell, what would you bring into work? My snek! :') If you had a reset button for the last 10 years, would you press it? Tempting, but... I don't think I would. I cannot go through how deep my depression was again. Who is someone you would never swear in front of? My nieces and nephew. Yes, I don't believe in profanity being a "thing" and is just a stupid human fabrication, but nevertheless I acknowledge societal standards and expectations, and they're way too young to get when you shouldn't say something like that and why. Have you ever won a contest or competition? A few. Who is your favorite TV character? I don't think I really have one? Do you coo over other people’s babies? Not really, no. Sometimes I'll think they're super cute and be like "awww," but I don't like... squeal and spaz like some people do. What is something that makes you very squeamish? VOMIT. Has there been a celebrity death that really affected you? Steve Irwin got me deeper than anyone else. Chester Bennington hit real hard, too. If you’re out of high school, have you stayed in touch with your high school friends? If you’re still in school, do you think you will? Most of my closest ones, yes, at least via Facebook. What’s a movie that you want to see? Old movie, but Jacob's Ladder. It was a massive influence on Silent Hill, so naturally, I'll probably love it. It's a classic, anyway. Do you use the same username everywhere online or do you have a lot? I use "Ozzkat" in most places, but I do have some other ones for different sites. Who was the last person you know who became pregnant? My friend Ana recently revealed she's expecting her second child, a boy. What fad were you actually into? I have zero clue. Have you ever tailgated? Would you want to? Fuck no. That's how so many wrecks happen. My sister legit got in a wreck with an 18-wheeler mostly because she was tailgating (which she does BADLY); she was trying to pass, and he moved over at the same time because he couldn't see her coming around. It's a borderline miracle she got out with only some cuts, bruises, and a seatbelt burn. Have patience, people. Get off cars' asses. Why did you fall for the last person romantically? Look, don't get me started on this. There are a shitload of reasons and I have been way too emotional over this the past few days laksdfja;lwke What’s the last thing you had to eat? A bagel w/ cream cheese for breakfast. Do you ever pick up your house phone? We don't have a landline phone. Truth be told, are you more into looks or personalities the most? Personalities, for sure. I cannot be into you if your personality isn't attractive.

[mattatouile]

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about mental health, mine and globally, lately. About how treatment isn’t linear. About how you can think you’re doing really well because it’s better than it was, and you’re still bad enough you don’t realize it can be better. I’ve been thinking about all the ways being sick for so long can fuck you up even when you aren’t as actively sick. I’ve been thinking about how hard it is to admit, “I’m happy but being sad for so long made me prone to encouraging my own sadness.” I’ve been thinking about the stuff I did so often it became habitual and remains habitual. Bad habits I developed from 16 years of thinking I had GAD and depression but not bipolar and being overmedicated for those two, throwing me into severe anhedonia most of the time:

A) thinking I can’t keep friends so I don’t try (have I not spoken to you in a few days? Might as well not try, I’m clearly the worst);

B) feeling completely discardable because I have zero to offer other people;

C) feeling like an empty shell and therefore offering nothing in return;

D) a level of insecurity that sometimes doesn’t align with the level of insecurity I think I feel (that doesn’t make any sense, but it’s like I intellectually know I’m more insecure than I feel?);

E) needing attention and reassurance constantly because of all of the above and then knowing I become overwhelming because of it and isolating myself because of the anxiety over being that person;

F) giving up my hobbies if I’m too tired for them for a a little while because I clearly will never have the energy for them ever again because that was the pattern for more than half my life;

G) not wanting people to really get to know me because I’m kind of the worst and if people get close they’ll realize how sad and small I am.

It’s worth noting I’m actually a very happy person now. I have energy most of the time, when I make myself actually sleep instead of playing games on my phone or writing or reading too late. I do enjoy things and my brain functions better now. I’m also extremely aware of my bad habits and I try to curb them but it’s hard.

And like. I see you all. The people that are in a bad place now and that have habits that feel like the only reality possible. I see you if you’re doing better and you still carry the weight of the demons that consumed you for so long. I see you if you’ve made a lot of progress and you fear falling back into that darkness.

You’re valid and you’re wonderful and I hope you find your happiness because we all deserve it. 💛💜🧡💚💙❤️

[thespermicidaljellies]

Positive reflective life ramble on adversity, sickness, and the aftermath of 'crisis mode'

So, getting severely physically sick gradually over the past year and a half---because really my doctors and I have figured out its been a gradual thing that's been deteriorating for a while, I realized that even though I've had a LONG series of really awful stuff happen to me, every single thing internally changed part of me in an extraordinary way that's so so healthy and solidifying. It's all because of the amount of work and time I've put in from like age 17 till now in therapy, personally, and within my relationships, and even though I couldn't abate the physical effects or my own frankly severe clinical depression due to genetics, the way I've handled and allowed events in the past year or so to impact me was like the stress test proving that the work has had a permenant impact? It proved to me that as a person I'm healthy, I take things in a healthy way, I approach people in a healthy way, I conceptualize criticism and failing in the healthiest way I can with my rsd, and I set healthy goals and have healthy desires. BUT I haven't been able to actualize any of it because honestly, after everything I kind of just wanted to stagnate and have nothing new happen event wise so that I could just breath and have some stability because I've been totally exhausted and burnt out. I should have taken a semester or a year off of school, the worry and sudden ambivilance to school really hurt my health and my ability to just breath again, and the decision to just tread water and endure without any real changes in my daily routine definetely hurt my energy and health. Taking almost a year off from any kind of dating and sex, and shit even research was good for me. Like to an extreme extent, but I should have listened to my body saying "I'm too exhausted to even use this extra time to benefit myself" and just taken time off from school to work and move out temporarily etc.

But none of that matters now bc I got very very sick, and being bed ridden, isolated, and totally stripped of any sense of security or complacency has really changed my entire perspective on life and the finality of it and the responsibility I have to myself not just internally but externally in the form of action and challenge. My family lives a supremely unhealthy lifestyle and it's impacted me greatly. Our diets are terrible, even with the changes I've made in the past to mine by eating less fatty meat and no frozen foods, it's not enough, I haven't exercised enough or respected my body at all and doing so now will literally kill me down the line. The second I'm medically cleared I'm getting a personal trainer/physical therapist and getting in very good shape, I was an athletic kid and I've said I wanted to do this in the past but there's this weird thing inside of me where a certain threshold is reached where I know that something HAS to happen and it's absolutely going to and it's there, I dont have a doubt in my mind that it's going to happen.

Mentally I need to find a stable medication and therapy routine to treat my dysthymia because I'm unfortunate enough to have inherited my mom's near Electroconvulsive Therapy levels of long term depression, but im extremely lucky it doesn't really come in the form of sadness, just all the other physiological and psychological factors like poor motivation, anhedonia etc. Finding the right treatment now will pretty much give me a baseline to know what my normal is, because it's been a FAT minute since I've been at my baseline, and that'll give me the awareness I need (combined with CBT) to identify warning signs because emotional states aren't identifiers for me. Lastly on a personal level, I'm in fucking shambles rn in all other facets of my life but my health destroying itself stripped me down to only my internal world, and who I am as a person as the only things left. And I feel incredible, like I feel so fucking healthy and loving and assured in who I am and my worth, and all of it has been tested and tried and proven through terrible events, but the only way to remove doubt from my brain was through those events.

I think the past few weeks have been really dark, depressing, and sad for me because its been this weird grieving period of fear and sorrow about all the negative shit that's happened and the perceived loss of the life I've been leading but really, every time I'd think it would lead back to a conclusion of how I'd benefited out of it and the reality that I havent been living, I've been in crisis mode since July 2017, and the strip back down to the core that I'm enduring now is exactly what needed and maybe even what was supposed to happen.

After two days ago, the worst I felt in my entire life, I woke up and like all the fear of intimacy, being vulnerable, taking risks, and making concrete choices is just gone, because there is  literally no more back tracking and hedonistic fleeing from fears even possible. The few people that I've not cut out in my life and have stuck around have said consistently over the past few weeks how much I've helped them and have given so many examples of times where I helped support them at their worst times, from suicide attempts to breaking off engagements to sexual abuse and changing careers, and I honestly didn't realize that people ever thought I'd had that much of an impact in that and I never really believed that I had earned or deserved to receive help or loyalty from people, it's been incredibly meaningful and validating for my biggest difficulty, vulnerability and accepting help. I think once I start to get my shit in order it's time I open myself up to a serious relationship or dating again, but without a goal of actively trying to obtain it, it needs to be with someone who's in the same position I am, the uphill climb AFTER the first uphill climb from neglect and lack of self respect to having identified what the soul needs and wants and what you provide and want others around you to provide to your life as well. I know this all sounds horribly pretentious but I'm here man, like it's all in the past been heal heal heal, and now it's like: the buildings are all built, let's occupy and use them and invite others in to use them as well. Idk yeah, that's everything I guess, I posted this for a specific few people who I know read my tumblr to keep an eye on what's been going on in my life since I'm not active on twitter/Instagram anymore, but thanks to anyone who read anyways.

Officially done with Lyme disease treatment today btw 🤘🏻

[deadmomjokes]

Definitely overdid it yesterday, so today I’m stuck at home on the couch feeling like I got hit by a truck.

It’s just really frustrating because I’m bad at pacing myself, and I’ve never had to work with something like this before. I’m learning what things are going to break me, and I’m not happy about them because at least for right now until I can get this flare under control, it’s things like taking a 10 minute walk to the mall with a backpack on. Okay, maybe that alone wouldn’t have done it, but once I was there I then walked around and browsed the stores, walked to the food court to get lunch, and then walked back over to the place where I waited for the car. All in all it wasn’t terribly strenuous from an outside perspective, but apparently walking for longer than 10 minutes and standing for moderate/long periods of time is too much right now.

Which is very upsetting considering I used to walk to school from my apartment a mile away with a backpack full of books as well as a laptop, walk around campus and up and down stairs, then go back, and I used to do it sometimes multiple times a day. And after that moderate level of activity yesterday, by 7pm I was so broken and stiff and in pain and exhausted that I had to use the riding cart at Walmart. That’s a first, and definitely not an exciting one.

I guess I’m just worried that this is going to be permanent. I know there’s no way to really tell until I get this flare under control and find a sort of feeling-good-this-is-probably-normal, and then start adding things back in to see what sets it off. I’m just nervous and frustrated and decently bored. Now that I have time for hobbies, I suddenly realized that the depression anhedonia is kicking my butt. But I’m going back to therapy soon, so that’s a plus.

I have a game plan, and I’m going to figure this out. I’m going to feel better. Getting there is just going to be really, really humbling, and might take a while. I have to learn to quit being stubborn and stop pushing through. That doesn’t help anymore. I have the time now to give my body what it’s been yelling for, so I have to unplug my ears, get over myself, swallow my pride, listen, and do.

So y’all are probably going to be hearing from me a lot in the next little while as I vent, and also blog into the void to try and help the boredom while I work on getting back to enjoying things. Specifically things I can do while resting. If I can self-care my depression back into submission I might even be able to get some good writing done! I keep saying it but one of these days I’ll finally share with y’all. 

Also never fear, I’m not super duper depressed, it’s just enough to make everything I want to do seem bleh, and enough that I’m consciously having to counter the negative self-talk in my head. And my first therapy appointment is in 2 weeks from yesterday, which should be right at the time I would otherwise start spiraling due to lack of things-to-do. That’s something I want to work on this go-round. I’ve always used THINGS to distract from the depression, which is probably why summers always ended up being my worst times. I focused on school or my student job or this past year at a ‘real’ job instead of actually dealing with the issues that make it worse, so whenever there would be a long enough gap, usually just over vacation-level (2-3 weeks), I’d start getting really stir-crazy and feeling like I should be doing something, and when nothing was to be had and I was left alone with myself and my thoughts, I’d get bad again. Idk if there’s something underlying it, but i feel like there is because the pattern is so clear. So one of my goals is to learn real coping mechanisms, not distraction mechanisms that I’ve been using.

But anyway. Thought I’d update y’all on the fibro journey. Not meaning to worry anyone, I just believe in the power of sharing experiences because you never know who may be going through something similar. Blacklist #fibro journey and/or #whining if you don’t want to see these kinds of posts. (#whining is the tag I use when I’m talking about issues I’m dealing with; I don’t necessarily think I’m being whiny (tho sometimes I am), but it seemed the most appropriate tag and it’s easy enough for me to keep up with it. :P)

[strangerdarkerbetter]

TW: Discussion suicidal ideation and thoughts of self harm

Yesterday, I had one of the worst days I’ve had in a very long time. 

The day started with waking up at 7:00...my shift starts at 6:30... 

I managed to get to work at 8:15 but I felt awful. The whole drive to work I kept getting so angry at everyone else on the road. Even as it was going on, I realized something was wrong. I can be an impatient driver, particularly if I’m running late, but I wasn’t under any pressure to rush to work as my lateness would be excused under FMLA. 

When I got to work, I found it difficult to focus on my work. I couldn’t think straight. Even worse, my mood kept fluctuating between unmanageable irritation and soul-crushing depression. 

By lunch, I was utterly depressed. I had become convinced that I was an annoyance to my husband and that he was withdrawing from me because of how awful I was. We had our usual lunchtime phone call but I couldn’t bring myself to voice the maelstrom in my head. 

As the afternoon progressed, I suck lower and lower. Panic mixed with depression so that my thoughts swirled deeper and deeper into darkness. Life seemed utterly hopeless. Life has been tough lately, but yesterday it seemed that there was no light at the end of the tunnel. Life seemed hopeless. 

Nothing was enjoyable. I idly browsed through Tumblr finding nothing interesting. All I wanted was to go home and collapse into bed, not to sleep, but to cry. Yet, I knew that I would be arriving home to not just my husband, but his grandmother who is visiting from across the country. I didn’t know how I would manage to fake being ok. 

Then, the suicidal thoughts began. I just wanted to die. Life seemed utterly pointless. 

As I drove home, Husband texted me to meet him at his parents. Upon arriving, I made my way into the house and did my best to put on a good face for his little sister. He and his grandma arrived shortly after me and Husband and I went for a smoke. I chose to leave shortly thereafter. 

As soon as I got back into my car the wracking sobs began. The entire drive home, tears poured down my face and horrid sounds ripped through my chest. 

I made it home and stumbled my way into the house, collapsing on the couch. My mind began to cycle on thoughts of self harm and suicide. I began to plan what the best way would be. Nothing involving blood because I didn’t want to leave a mess for anyone to clean up. I didn’t want to do anything to be more of a burden. My mind envisioned taking the sharpest kitchen knife and slicing through flesh just to watch the blood pour down, not to kill myself. I hadn’t had thoughts of self-harm this intense in years. 

By the time Husband made it home, I was curled up in a ball on the couch, barely able to respond. According to Husband, my eyes were vacant and dead. 

I struggled to voice to him what was going on. Finally I got out the words “I am suicidally depressed”

He asked if he should be worried. I tried to assure him I wouldn’t do anything, but I couldn’t even convince myself. 

“I just want to die.”

Husband didn’t know what to say which was unusual for the man who almost always has the perfect words. He let me lay my head upon my lap and assured me of his love. 

“Did you take your adderall this afternoon?” he asked.

No. I had run out two days before. I had forgotten to call my psychiatrist until that afternoon. 

He got me one of his pills since we’re on the same dose. 

We went to bed and cuddled. I drifted off to sleep. 

When he came to wake me up, I jolted awake. 

I felt ok. 

As the remnants of sleep slowly fell off of me, I felt like a different person. 

I looked back upon the events of the day with shame. I was embarrassed for how I had acted. I apologized again and again to Husband. 

“It was adderall withdrawal”

I rejected his words. I didn’t think that was a thing. Adderall is short acting. Why would it cause withdrawal?

As the night progressed, I felt back to my usual self. Trying to think over the events of the day caused cognitive dissonance. How could all of that have been me? How did I go from an ok mental state to suicidally depressed, more seriously and deeply depressed than I’ve been in ages, in a matter of two days?

So I set to researching adderrall withdrawals. 

Depression. Lethargy. Fatigue. Suicidal ideation. Anhedonia. Anxiety. Panic. 

It was real. 

The horror of the day was the result of missing my adderall. I never understood how serious it was to miss some. I had no idea my body had come dependent on it. 

I share this story in the hopes of saving someone else from what I went through. Had I known how serious adderall withdrawal was, I would have been far more careful to ensure I didn’t run out. I would have made sure to call my psychiatrist sooner. 

Adderall withdrawal is serious. Please be careful. 

[andrearadya]

die trying

I’ve always been trapped by my own yeses. For many years I have been struggling to run away and make my own decisions, but most of time what I really wanted was always untouchable and I almost always came out injured in traumas I picked up without my own control.

I often had to be reborn again and over again with scars and bruises which were moderately relieved. I thought I was going to be okay, right then, now, and tomorrow. I knew I was just going to survive, come what may, but in the end of my second decade I was thrown in a war; having to fight with broken, stabbed, and torn mentality inside with revealed bitter truth surrounding me.

I remember the times when I almost had everything that I wanted in my hands; only the things I really wanted to undertake. They picked me up, the carriage was full of rubies and diamonds, and I knew my palace was going to be a huge successful peace. I was there, standing with my chances, thinking I was already doing the right things.

However, in a blink of an eye, pretenders took my life, my heart, my sanity. I was implicitly requested to take a part in a battle I didn’t recognize well. I didn’t know the field yet. I didn’t know how to survive- how to survive with all the choices I had made previously. The whole thing was outrageous; Had I run away with saying no, I would’ve been in a better, calmer place, inside my palace in my throne, but it’s said that their enemies would have chased me harder, created deeper holes of regrets in me, and emerged in my nightmares every night. I had a choice, truth be known, but the force was too dominating. I could’ve said no and goodbye for my own sake, but I’d have been seen as a traitor, apathy worshipper, or selfish wreckage.

I only looked back at my previous aims and destinations and at this moment I completely cannot forgive that version of me- the version of me when I finally turned my back on the things I planned on prioritizing. I left them, the people whom I was going to support fully with all of my sincerity, because I stupidly couldn’t think better. I messed it all up, for months I was destroyed mentally, frustrated, surrounded by uncertainties, bitter plans, killed chances, insisted to show another version of me which wasn’t even there. And I left my palace; the throne I used to have, the plans I wanted to make huge, the dreams I thought was going to be my priorities. I left them. For an insisted exhaustion. For something I was never meant to be or do, something I didn’t wanna be for my sake. Maybe the worst case not only stopped there, but the fact that I actually didn’t feel embraced enough and how the whole troops were also on the edge.

The whole thing, to be honest, took almost everything that I could and would be. Yes, maybe I gained some other accomplishments that I could be proud of as well, but was it the best year for my mental health? Was it all worth my fatigue? Was it easy to run? Maybe you tell me. Perhaps this time I really related to Ariana Grande’s speech when she said that a year had been really good for her career, but it was the worst for her life. Maybe it’s what I was feeling all year long.

Still trying to accomplish my other main dreams, I risked my health- spiritually, mentally, and physically. I’m just going to state those here, because it’s no good to keep it all locked explosively inside of me. I started having depression since April-May 2019, every single day I was out of energy, I experienced chronic extreme fatigue, hypersomnia, suicidal thoughts, recurrent self injuries, and I lost my interest to the things I used to really, really love the most- playing piano, drawing, painting- All I did was thinking that they’re going to be useless and anyway I would not get any way outs by doing those- I was trapped, unable to set myself free, even to reach my help and relievers. My ambitions were shut down, I still kept on fighting for several achievements, but do you know? Most of time I was under pressure. My mind was always branched. I couldn’t focus that much. I couldn’t have enough rest. I slept in classes, my friends saw it and got startled I did. I wasn’t happy. I didn’t know where to go- with all the business and accomplishments that I had- I wasn’t happy. I was tired. Drained. Burned out. No way out, it was impossible.

My mental state was still progressing until November 2019- when I pushed everyone away, even my closest best friends, from me. I isolated myself, ran away from the crowds, and chose to stay alone anytime and anywhere. I didn’t wanna interact. I didn’t feel like I needed some company. I left some people without goodbyes. Everything around me really trapped me. Ripped me apart into pieces I didn’t recognize anymore. I wasn’t sad- I was all empty, hollow, numb, and useless. Hideously, I also experienced revealed hurtful truths, got more stabs to my heart and soul, and got left by the people who thought that their own business were more important than the war we should struggle for. I felt all alone, every social interactions felt phony and unreal, and all I wanted was just to see everything finished. Or if needed, I thought, maybe I’d just go and die to make things better. I wanted to terminate everything so bad, I didn’t care if it’s going to change everything. I just wanted to take a rest and long sleep for the very last time- to terminate everything.

Burdened harshly by stress, I finally tried to be a bit rude toward the reality. I tried to fight back with every chance left in me, I tried to cherish my dignity, the fact that I was much, much stronger than feeling like an insisted slave. My last minutes holding the disastrous throne were still spent in unrealistically harsh slavery and force, but I finally made it out alive. I came out alive- left with depression, anhedonia, avolition, post-trauma stress disorder, nightmares, regrets, remained mistakes, and my heart pieces. I breathed as an injured wreckage trying not to drown in an ocean. I was still alive- but it’s just it. I still pushed some people away from my life, I became a stranger to every single pupil gradually. I was more like finally drowned, instead of being found floating on the surface.

Took months for me, even to this moment, to heal myself, my thoughts, and faith. However, it may take years, maybe forever to forgive all the regrets, the fact that I turned my back on the things I said I would survive with, and the sources of the pain. Once I promised I would give my all to the things I prioritized; turned out it never happened. People got disappointed, people got rejected, people got neglected, because I thought I would fight with them. They thought I had love that much for them- Turned out I walked away, fighting for an unworthy war. It’ll take many years for me to forgive and to say sorry. It will take so many chances. Years. Decades. And maybe they’re unforgettable.

At this moment, maybe I’d like to ask myself how I am actually feeling right now. However, maybe it’s not that prominent anymore. Maybe it’s time for all of us or the ones who’ve gone through the same story to dodge saying yes too much,  to keep prioritizing what’s best for us, to ignore unimportant and unhealthy opportunities, and to save ourselves. Save yourself, sometimes saying a big NO is worth the losing chance more than gaining regrets and injured mental in the end.

[datingadviceonreddit]

Hey guys, throwaway for obvious reasons - sort of ashamed to be honest. Just a heads up before I get into it - there is a lot to unpack here. Thanks in advance for the help, following along and being patient.​I'll just start with the essentials. I've suffered from severe mental illness on and off from about 15-16 years old until now, where I'm 28. The worst of it being depression which at its worst results in me being catatonic and bed-bound, and even on better days where I can function, feeling pretty anhedonic (not really able to feel much of anything).​This has gone largely untreated for years, mostly because I was probably in denial and tried to push through it. I did do a few courses of meds in my early 20s but nothing extensive, and have been in therapy as well - again, not for long. The worst stint was where I was largely bed-bound for almost 2 years - pretty much a shut-in.​That, coupled with some trauma and neglect growing up meant I was just a non-starter on relationships growing up. My mid to late teens were spent playing video games as an escape and grappling with a lot of darkness.​On the bright side, if you were to look at my life on a chart, I have been trending on in an upwards direction. In high school, I wasn't a "popular" kid per se, but I definitely was invited to some parties. I began lifting weights at 19, try to keep active and have hobbies (can't always due to being wiped out by depression), and have actually had a few women interested in me, and even gone on a few dates with some pretty attractive women.​However, my inexperience really hampers me. I've largely been able to counter a lot of other social stunting - my anxiety was so bad that I couldn't even talk to people and stuttered, now I can have conversations completely fluidly. Despite this, there is a clear realm where I am super inexperienced - dating and intimacy.​I lost my virginity about a month before my 25th birthday. We were in the same sort of intellectual discussion group on Facebook, and frequently were in the same convos and talked in there. I added her randomly, and she later admitted she only accepted because we had mutual friends - two guys I went to high school with, one of them being her cousin.​I invited her out, and we had a brief fling. I met her brother, she invited me to a party with her friends, and we went out a lot and had a lot of pretty steamy car sex. She was pretty attractive, but both had our demons. It was done within 3 months - she ghosted me and I think she was seeing another guy on Tinder towards the end of it, because she mentioned another guy she was talking to she met from Tinder, but me being naive didn't really put two-and-two together.​It really fucked me up, and I was depressed before while with her, but it put me in a pit for a few months.​In retrospect, I definitely made a lot of mistakes - obviously my inexperience makes it so damn hard because I'm trying to learn about intimacy & sex, but in addition, there's the insecurities, sexual curiosity and experience of sexuality to contend with. I spoke to her later and she said she suffered from depression as well and was going through a lot. We were somewhere between FWB and being in an actual relationship, but I think just the maelstrom of my stuff and hers just didn't work, plus her (self-admitted) immaturity, insecurity and manipulation (I think she was 21 when we started dating and seeing each other).​Now, obviously, a lot of what I'm going through is psychological - I have a psychiatrist appointment in 3 weeks and will be organizing to see a psychologist shortly.​Beyond that, I don't even know how to even start getting into the dating scene. My good high school friends didn't know I was a virgin until I was about 24. A few close friends I've told that I've only been with one girl were shocked to the point of not believing me. Some have tried to hook me up with girls, but my anhedonia and lack of sexual drive when depressed are probably the things that prevent me from that initial step, then the rest of the mental crap takes care of the rest. Once I get work through some of my mental funk though, how do I even get out there?​I seriously feel like a stunted child in that respect (in many ways I am). My first everything (kiss, sex, BJ, holding hands, you name it) was with that girl who ghosted me. All those milestones that most people go through, teenage relationships, exploring sexuality, flirting, physicality, literally pleasing a partner are all just...unknown to me. There isn't really a "sex therapist" or "intimacy therapist" out there. I'm so strangely touch and intimacy starved.​I know a relationship or sex won't heal me of my depression, but it's definitely a large part of the human experience that I'm missing out on. Despite being depressed, I've always strangely had a touch of optimism. Part of me really feels like I can get better - I've had some awesome, attractive, smart women be interested in me, and I've probably confused the hell out of them by blowing them off due to being so down, in pain and I guess insecure. Friends have described me as super charismatic (definitely am when I hit my stride) and funny, and that's also why they were shocked to find out I had so many issues with women.​Then the other half of me thinks I'm going to just grow up being that broken weirdo who can't connect or experience intimacy.​I'm almost tempted to commence therapy and just book flights to Thailand and just go on a sexual tear to get some experience, but I don't think that'd be mentally healthy for me.​I'm out of options and would love your help! Thanks so much :) via /r/dating_advice

[nblabadi]

2017: Lo(v/s)ing

“Loving and losing: different only by one letter, and a million degrees of pain” —Jessica Katoff

If I’m to be honest, this year is mostly about that one person who left my heart empty. I mean, the emptiness was always there, even before him. But I really felt it after that one person’s leaving.

Long story short, I lost a love as soon as I found it.

It wasn’t an easy one. People like me always attracted to people like him: the quiet ones, the lone wolves. When they started to open themselves up, well, if not handled carefully and cautiously, things are most likely to go south. Even my friends warned me before it was too late, but I didn’t listen. Everything felt good for awhile. It was certainly not perfect, but it felt right. But then, at the very end, I realized that everything was a lie. We just desperately needed each other in that particular time, so we lied to find comfort in each other’s company. Maybe what we had was real. Maybe everything was real. [Those are damn big maybe(s)]. But in the end it felt like one big, perfect act.

He said he wasn’t ready to have the kind of commitment that will restrict himself from his life. And I wanted to say to him, “namun, sayangku, cinta tidak membatasi kebebasan seseorang. Justru, cinta membebaskan kita,”. But the words never came out.

First, you think the worst is the broken heart. What’s gonna kill you is the second part 🎶

First thing I felt is the pain of a broken heart. Yes, it was devastating. Crucifying. I closed myself off from the world. There were moments where I buried myself in work so I didn’t have to think about that failed relationship. I did so good for awhile, but then the wave of self-pity came back and left me like a pile of emotional sh*t. I didn’t feel like facing my friends, I didn’t feel like doing my work, I didn’t feel like watching movies or reading books, I didn’t feel like doing anything. I was just laying around, replaying the memories in my head, regretting the words I’d said and the things I’d done, thinking what could and should have been, going on and on with the what-if(s). That’s the second part. It’s called anhedonia: the inability to feel pleasure, also known as a core symptom of major depressive disorder. I felt alone, like I’m not loved. Worst, like I’m not worthy of any kind of affection. Thankfully, I’m not really alone. My friends never stopped trying to bring me back to the world. My family always trying to ask how am I even from afar. And finally, I realized that this is not who I want to become. So I reached out. Then I found my strength back. I found out that I am loved. Family, friends, and myself: that’s all the love that really matter.

I came out of it a different person. It changed the way I see the future I want. It changed the way I see a relationship between two person. It changed the way I behave in a social interaction. It changed me, I hope for the better.

With lots and lots of help, I learned a great deals from this another failure of relationship (I’m not trying to patronize anyone).

I’m a total failure on relationship.

A lone wolf is not giving off a challenge to unravel its mysteries, it holds a big “keep out” sign. So, proceed with caution.

Insecurities are unattractive and ugly.

To forgive the other person is easy. The hard part is to forgive myself. I went on and on about how stupid I was, for months. Even now the thought still reoccur occasionally. “How could I be so damn blind and naive and so f*cking stupid”. However, forgive yourself. It’s the only way to find peace. Remember, mistakes are made so we could learn from it and be better.

Failed relationships are hard, I know. Cry, it’s okay. Be broken. Feel it, the pain. Feel the pain until you’re tired of it. Take your time, it’ll pass. Remember that the pain will always there, but you learn to live with it so it won’t bother you so much anymore. Remember that you have to get back up and move on. Your life is not over just because some stupid bastards decided that it was a good idea to take your feelings for granted. Once you overcome it, you won’t be the same person. But it would feel damn great to be free again.

You are not alone. You are loved. If you need help, reach out. People will help you.

[deardumbdiary-blog1]

march 1, 2017: writings from a hypomanic episode before I knew to call it that

In February or March of 2016, I realized I had been using some version of self-destruction in order to cope since I was about 10 years old. While I was in recovery from my eating disorder, I was self-harming; if I wasn’t self-harming, I was abusing substances, etc. The infrequent periods of complete abstinence I’ve accomplished took place in treatment centers, and I’d be back to A, B, C, or Z within a week of leaving. I realized that if I was going to truly face whatever I had spent the last 13+ years running from, I first had to let it catch up with me. So in April, I stopped running. 

Like it was nothing, I abruptly cut out every destructive behavior I’d spent my entire life employing and replaced those things with a 60-hour workweek and regular Netflix marathons. It took nearly three months, but the full inertia of my sudden halt unsurprisingly kicked in. I really lost it.

My first involuntary psychiatric hold took place at the end of June. The second followed my release from the first by thirty-two hours. And by the third – early August – I was so exhausted. I felt 90 years old. I felt hopeless, broken, and overwhelmingly resigned. I admitted to that third psych hospital on a gurney in restraints, with a purse full of addressed suicide letters... but I left with something I’d never had before: a personal will to live.

I guess I needed to reach that depth of “bottom.” It took me stepping right up to those crossroads – life or death – and choosing by myself, for myself for the first time in my life, to live. I’ve fought an eating disorder and I’ve fought half a dozen other things but I fought for my family. For Mia. For friends. For a goal. But when depression finally stripped every single one of those things away and the only thing left was me, I chose myself in the end.

After my final psychiatric release, I admitted myself to a residential facility for mood and personality disorders. I spent two months there and fought like hell. I was alive again. Hopeful again. I made the difficult decision to leave my apartment in California and accept my parents’ in-home support.

Back in place that I grew up, I spent a few months adjusting. Aside from six therapy sessions a week, I didn’t take on any major responsibilities. I created art and wrote stories and hiked; I reconnected with friends and took up meditating and devoured books. When I was ready enough, I began reintegrating responsibilities. Now, I’m working as a nanny (side note: one of the moms I sit for is my age, is married and has a home and career and baby, and I’m just like well shit this is awkward) and going back to school. I’m still writing and painting and hiking as well, but not as much of course. 

But here is where shit really gets crazy:

I think I’m happy.

For the first time in my memorable life, I’m not even mildly depressed. I know this because it feels a lot like when I got glasses in the third grade. Let me explain: when I was a kid, I had REALLY SHITTY eyesight but no one knew. I didn’t even know. I didn’t realize that I was supposed to be able to see better because I had no real comparison. So for years I went around thinking I saw things like everyone else, when really I was one-quarter of the way to legally blind. You’d think I’d be running into walls or whatever but I guess I adjusted to shitty eyesight, just like I learned how to function with depression. Finally, someone figured out that I couldn’t see worth shit and I got glasses. I remember putting on those glasses for the first time and being like SWEET JESUS THERE ARE SO MANY COLORS! TREES ACTUALLY HAVE INDIVIDUAL LEAVES! I had been seeing things in mushy blurs for my entire life and suddenly I could see all this crazy detail and it was nuts. It was like a new world. So I guess that’s what it feels like being not depressed: a new world. It’s a strange feeling and I’ve been having to recalibrate even the most basic things (for example, I sleep a lot less but days seem to go by more quickly, so my whole sense of timing is off) but of course that’s a small price to pay for the absence of dysthymia and anhedonia.

Oh, and I finally got to where I wanted to be as far as not relying on any of my ineffective (read: super destructive and shitty) coping mechanisms. It’s been nearly two years since I was in my eating disorder. I’ve been sober as fuck for eight months this week. Self-harm wounds are healed and scarred. I even quit smoking cigarettes in December. The past several weeks have been a bit of a shit show: I was really sick, I experienced some adverse medication reactions, someone broke into my car with a crowbar and robbed me, and my goddaughter gave me fucking head lice. A year ago I would have been pushed so far over so many edges, but today I am managing and at this point am honestly just laughing at the absurdity of it all. Having lice at the age of 24 is totally absurd, but if the worst of my problems is hair bugs, I’m pretty damn lucky.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #469

“i am hungry for some unrest  /  i wanna push it beyond a peaceful protest”

Do you have any goats? Can't say I do. Are you going to be getting any new pets soon? No. Would you rather be a panda or grizzly bear? As a protected species, I'd say a panda. Do you like BBQ sauce? I hate it. Can you do a twirl like a ballerina? No. Does your house have a pool? No. Do you own an iPad? No. What’s a topic you’ve drastically changed your opinion on? A LOT. Many years ago, I was very conservative, now I'm definitely more liberal. What’s an achievement you hope to see humanity accomplish in your lifetime? I'd really love to see great improvements in nature and wildlife conservation. Are you and your SO Facebook official? We're like... half official? He never checks his notifications, EVER, so he hasn't verified our relationship status. Instead, it just says on my profile "in a relationship with ____ (pending)." I don't mind, though. "Facebook official" doesn't mean much to me at all. What matters is that we know. Have you ever bathed in a river or a lake? I've swum in them, but I most certainly haven't bathed in one. Have you bought a bag of potato chips in the past week? No. I avoid chips because I'll eat too many. What was your first job? And how long did you work there? I was a sales associate at GameStop for like two months, but keep in mind I was VERY rarely on the schedule, so I probably didn't even work for a week's time in total. Can you drive? I can, but I don't do it well and don't have my license. My permit's even long expired. I plan on forcing myself to practice and get licensed once I get new glasses, though (whenever I can afford that...). Right now I couldn't even pass the vision test. I just have to do it; public transport isn't big here AT ALL, and I can't keep relying on others to get me everywhere. Do you spend too much time online? Way, way too much. Extremely high odds are, if I'm conscious, I'm on the computer. I want to change that so badly and experience other things in life way more regularly, it's just an addiction that has been an issue since I was first exposed to the Internet. Do you like to travel? I barely ever get to do it, but yes, I love it. How did you first notice the last person you kissed? Well, it's kinda hard NOT to subconsciously notice the guy who played the fuckin' huge-ass tuba in band, ha ha. Why will/won’t you and your ex get back together? THE ex, because 1.) I'm sure he wants nothing to do with me, and 2.) because I'd be much too worried he'd leave again if I relapse with my depression badly enough. Do you use the words "I love you" too lightly? Definitely not. Do you like pizza? Legit, are there people who don't like pizza???? Do you use an alarm clock? I use my phone for that. Name something that is currently making you happy. Girt is making me really, really happy. I'm still not happy at my core, but, y'know. A person can't do that, anyway. What do you want for Christmas this year? Stiiiill a 40 gallon for Venus with proper equipment... I need a fucking job. That's going to be my answer possibly past Christmas because I just completely rely on my parents financially. Are you excited for the holidays? Very, except for Thanksgiving. I'm way more hyped for Halloween and Christmas and all it entails than usual. Name one tattoo you would like to get someday. I'll give ya one I don't think I've mentioned. On top of one of my hands, over some sort of fiery graphic, I want "Gefährlich ist wer Schmerzen kennt" (translated to "whoever knows pain is dangerous") written in fine text. It's a lyric from the song "Feuer frei!" by Rammstein that I just find very powerful, and not necessarily in an dark way. Are you afraid of stink bugs? Yes, because they're a form of beetle, which tend to scare me. Do you wear contact lenses? No, but I wish. :/ There are piercings I want that would look stupid with glasses. One of my eyes has such bad vision that I need a weighted contact in it (don't ask me exactly what the difference is), and I could feel it way too clearly in my eye, and it made it heavy. Wearing those contacts did NOT last long; I went back to my glasses. Have you ever danced in the rain? No. What was your last dream about? Astonishingly, I don't remember. Where was the last place you went besides your house? The doctor's office. Do you feel like you're judged for your looks? Being someone who is by definition obese, I'm certain some people do. Do you fight with your parents a lot? No. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over. Why? I never have been. Do you like hot sauce? Yes. How bored are you right now? Very, very bored. As a side effect of depression, I experience severe anhedonia like... constantly, at least to some degree. No exaggeration. It makes my life a fucking drag. It's why I take surveys so much; the randomness of the questions is at least a momentary distraction. Do you think you would make a good model? Hell no. Even if I was in a physical shape for anyone to be interested in photographing me, I would feel WAY too awkward. Are you a good singer? No. Do the Emergency Alert System noises on TV freak you out? Yes, because I immediately assume it's a tornado warning. Describe your perfect date. Actually I'm planning something for Girt and me hopefully on Halloween (or if he has to work, at least close to) that is like absolutely effin' perfect for me. Carve some pumpkins together, make those Pillsbury Halloween cookies, and binge some spooky movies. :') Do your parents trust you? Yeah. Do you like pot roast? No. Have you ever thought about being a stripper? No. Are you flexible? No. Can you wiggle your nose? Nope. Have you ever played Mario Kart? Yes. My younger sister especially was sooo good at it; she doesn't even play video games and yet she was hooked on it for a while. How often do you go shopping for clothes? Almost never. I really, really need to for undergarments and pants now. Do you have a high IQ? I don't know my IQ, but I very much doubt it. Would you ride a motorcycle if you had the chance? No. They scare me. Have you ever been bitten by a dog? No. Do you like the smell of cinnamon? yessssss Do you like frogs? I love those lil bug-eyed cuties!!! :') Are you afraid of dying? Not massively. I mean yeah, I don't want to die and the fear of the unknown is there, but I really don't think I'm as scared of it as most people. Do you like bananas? Yeah. Where's the last place you've been to out of state? Lake Gaston in Virginia. What are you listening to right now? I'm watching another playthrough of Fatal Frame 3. Gotta say it's probably my favorite that I've seen/played of the franchise now. Would you rather use a trackpad or a mouse? Mouse, for sure. Do you like steak? Yes. What was the best gift you've ever received? My late dog. Tell me one of your pet peeves. Consistently trying to make conversation with me when I have headphones on. It's a bitchy pet peeve, but a pet peeve nonetheless. Do you like to keep your nails painted? I don't paint my nails or care to. Are you a Duck Dynasty fan? I was a long time ago when I actually watched it. I wouldn't watch it now because I don't support the overly-conservative cast, having followed a couple on Facebook for a time. Have you ever played with Silly Putty? As a kid, for sure. I loved that stuff. Do you take in a lot of caffeine daily? Yes. :x Do you know a lot about history? Definitely not. Are you allergic to pollen? Yes. Would you rather play Xbox or PlayStation? I'm a PlayStation gal. Have you ever worked at a fast food place? No, and I neeeeever would. Hungry people are the worst. Do you like hot tubs? Meh, I have to be in the right mood. Do you know anyone who is battling cancer? Not at this current moment. Are you good at doing fractions? NOOOOOOO, or doing ANY kind of math. Have you ever auditioned for a talent competition? No. Would you rather get high or get drunk? I've never experienced either, but probably high. Being drunk is usually synonymous with being sloppy. Do you like the Silent Hill movies? AYEEEEEEEEE I'm the chick to ask! I love the first one, it's brilliant and loyal to the idea of the series but still unique from the original story of the pilot game. The second one is objectively fucking awful story-wise and is SO all over the place, but I can still enjoy it as an obsessed fan of that franchise. Did you ever want to be a doctor? I wanted to be a vet for a long time, if that counts. [TW: SUICIDE] The last person you kissed, how many times have you cried in front of them? I probably cried some/was teared up to some degree when he visited me in the ER after my overdose. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 1 month? Is this written for a middle schooler? No shit I could, and have in the past on more than one occasion. Have you kissed someone with braces? No. Is this the best year of your life? Nooo sir. Can you have more than one best friend? Yeah. What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider? Hot chocolate. ooo: What are your full initials? BMD. Would you ever let your grandma set you up on a blind date? She's dead, but if she wasn't? HEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL NO. Do you ever wonder if you will get in a car accident and die? As someone who is terrified of driving, absolutely. I'm primarily more concerned about becoming paralyzed from the neck down, though. I'd rather die than that. So your ex comes to you and says “I want you back”, what do you say? I'd probably say, "I'm happy to finally be able to say 'no'" or something along those lines. Maybe even just a simple "no." Which was worse for you: freshman year of high school or of college? College. I was so fucking depressed and lost. What is the last language you spoke, other than your first? German. Would you ever consider moving to a different country? Canada, yes, if it didn't mean leaving my family and now boyfriend. What is your favourite food from your culture? Burgers. @_@ Other than your name, what was the last name someone called you? Britt. If you could find one long lost friend of the past, who would it be? Megan. I found her on Facebook before and sent her two messages over the past something years, but she never responded. It's frustrating, like I was so close to reuniting with her, but not close enough. Do you wash your hair or your body first when taking a shower? Hair. Have you ever been to a nursing home? Yes, with my mother to visit someone.