#then again most of write fics for ourselves and to indulge so to a degree i can't fault thin white writers for doing as they please in

[hwanghyunjinenthusiast]

omg I saw your tags about white-coded y/n and I agree so much! honestly, finding out an author is poc is such a huge green flag for me bc I know I won't get halfway thru a fic and be slapped in the face by the realization that y/n is clearly white

I can understand. While I've read and interacted with white authors who are inclusive in their writing, I understand having reservations or even seeking out explicitly PoC! Reader fics. It just feels nice to be seen sometimes and, for white not to be the default.

[juuls]

It’s hard not to doubt myself but I’m trying, and I hope that you can help me.

Chapter 16 of Hanging From a Cross of Iron is 5,000 words in but still has a fair bit needing done. But what’s really upsetting me is that this chapter has been drafted no less than six times, with six different intro scenes. I’ve even called on the skills of two extra beta/alpha readers (the wonderful @grlie-girl and @stargirl222 — thank you so much for stepping into the crazy) to help me sort through the mess of this chapter and to make sure it lines up with the 76k words that come before. This is a very important chapter, in that things start to change for Steve emotionally and romantically re: Toni. He’s trying!

At this point, the chapter is going to be posted (when I finish the rest) without me being completely happy with the first scene. Steve’s PoV is hard, especially when I have readers who are bitching at me about how much he annoys them, that they don’t really care about Stuckony getting together in my fic anymore, or how they dislike x, y, and z. And a lot of your concerns are valid, some even constructive, but like... these comments are also damaging my self-confidence in my abilities, in my talent, in my decision-making, and it’s all been reminding me a bit too much about how my ex-husband ripped me apart piece by piece.

I’ve been feeling beat down by some of these comments (and my worry and fear that there are ten times as many people who are unhappy as who wrote in) and it all repeats in my head over and over, every day, impeding my creative process.

Sounds super ridiculous, but I just realized it today, that my mind has been closing down in a similar fashion as to how I dealt with the spousal abuse (he lashed out and bashed my writing too—to a degree you would NOT believe). Suffice to say I have major issues, but I’m working on it.

This doesn’t mean I want readers to shut up (though maybe toning down the negativity would be good, even just a little), and I DO want constructive criticism, and actually, having people dislike characters so passionately and then also saying they just want Toni to be happy... that is good in its own way! It means you’re writing characters who draw out strong reactions from your audience.

But I wish my brain would focus on the good comments I get, because there are some truly lovely readers in my comment sections (thank you!!)!

Anyway, this is on me. The ball is in my court. I need to find it in myself (again) to write this story for ME. I started this for me, to tell a story I wanted to see, even if that means I slip into self-indulgence (which is seen as a bad thing but c’mon! We’re fooling ourselves) and silliness and badassery and even some Mary-Sue type things (only occasionally that). I need to find it in myself to be passionate for this story again, to listen to the readers but not try to bend over backwards for them, and as I write to not worry about what others will think and then second guess myself every single moment.

Especially where my beta is concerned, because she ships Stucky primarily and loves Steve, even though she’s a multishipper and loves lots of characters, those are her top picks. I find myself wondering what she’ll think about a scene even before I write it. Wondering about everything! And I’ve paid more attention to those characters as a result, out of an attenpt to be fair to all the characters (but I should’ve been focusing on my fav, because that’s what I and most of the ship like!)

But she and I had a talk today where she was basically like “Meg what the hell, don’t worry about me. Why do you think I wrote x, y, z? That’s self-indulgence right there, and you didn’t much like it at the start. Just do it! Make yourself happy. I’m here to catch you if it’s stupid or grammatically or historically wrong, not to be the ship or plot police, geez. Write what makes YOU happy, and don’t care about what I or readers think. Don’t focus on characters or ships you don’t like as much on their own, without Toni involved. Move ahead with her story.” (Well okay, @cuthian said it very differently and I added some words to the underlying sideye she was giving me over the net but shhh that’s what I took from it.)

But she’s right. I shouldn’t be trying to juggle everything equally. This is a Tony-centric (well, fem!Tony) fic, and even if it IS Stuckony, and I have been writing scenes from different perspectives, there’s nothing that says I can’t focus more on Toni from here on out, and to make it sexy and silly and fun and whatever the hell I want as long as it makes sense according to the story’s established rules and atmosphere.

I need to stop caring so much about what other people think, and care more about what I’m thinking and what I want.

I’m going to give that a try.

Chapter 16 should be out within 2 weeks, I think. I’m feeling better about this all as of today.

*offers hugs and blows kisses to her readers*

Thank you, everyone.

Bear with me as I sort my brain out. This helped, though, reaching out. Thank you for listening. 🙏🏻 (Also, now you’re forewarned that the next chapter isn’t going to be as good as I prefer, so... yeah.)

(........deal with it.)

[skaylanphear]

I find that last anon rather ironic - I've called your work "trash" many times, mostly referring to serendipitous fate, but of course I absolutely adore your writing. (After all, I did eagerly await two books worth of it to come out and still can't wait to lap up part 3.)

I think it’s just a difference in interpretation. I’m honestly not worried about it. Fandom culture, like any culture, has its own varying degrees of interpretation and sometimes people need to realize that just because they don’t like something doesn’t mean that others feel the same way. I don’t care if someone calls my work trash. Unless there’s some kind explanation following that expands on why my story is actual garbage, I’m going to find it flattering because when someone says, in fandom, that something is trash, it usually means they really enjoyed it and it had an effect on them that reduced them to squeals and shippy feels. The term, in my opinion and from what I’ve observed in fandom, is not self-deprecating, but a self-descriptor of a passion or interest. To be trash for something is to be interested in it on a passionate level. 

I’m sure other people have other definitions that probably don’t fall within mine, but that’s not the point. While words are important and we should always be careful how we use them, intention is also important. I’ll be the first person to say that how we express ourselves and what words we use are crucial, but in considering that, we also have to take into account the cultural circumstances within which that expression is taking place and the varying intentions someone could have when expressing themselves. That, and we also have to take into consideration who the comment was about and whether there was a target in the first place. I start debates all the time, generally when someone makes a wide-ranging statement about a group as a whole that is not nice. But to say that I’m reading “Klance trash,” well, is not potentially insulting to anyone but myself. By saying “Klance,” I’m specifying what kind of trash, but I’m not saying that all Klance fics are trash nor that any specific author or story is trash. Merely, the intention behind the comment was to make clear that I, myself, am indulging in trash because I have become trash for this thing. 

I don’t view being trash as a bad thing and I know I’m not alone in that interpretation. When there are varying degrees of usage on a term, we can debate their meaning and take sides on what we feel is right, but it’s silly to go up to someone and say “you might offend someone if they don’t know better, so please stop.” It’s not my job to censor myself for the benefit of others’ ignorance. If someone wants a clearer definition of what I was saying or is uncertain as to the meaning, they’re more than welcome to message me asking for clarity, but it’s pointless to come into my inbox and expect me to try and please everyone with every word I write, especially when the intention wasn’t bad and was even acknowledged by the commenter not to be. That tells me my intention was quite obvious.

And, again, it’d be different if I’d specified a certain story or even said that all Klance was trash. But I didn’t–I said Klance trash, which only specifies what kind of trash because all fandoms have their fair share of “trash.” 

Most of the time if we’re in a fandom setting and someone refers to a work as trash, be it their own work or someone else’s, it’s a descriptor or even a compliment unless otherwise made clear. Therefore, instead of dragging the word back down into the dirt when it’s used, we should be owning and appreciating it. Why give someone more ammo with which to insult something? You call my work trash and I’m going to thank you because I’ve taken that word and made it something good. I think that, when considering that the word is not only used as a means of self-deprecation, we’d all be better off viewing it as a good thing than bad. Fandom is already so toxic–don’t give people another means with which to hurt you. 

If someone calls your work trash, say thank you and move on. And if it wasn’t their intent to be complimentary, trust me when I say it will be much more infuriating to the nasty people if you take it that way. You want to take the word trash and leave it in the garbage, fine, but I’m going to take the positive meaning and run with it, because that gives me the power over the word.     

But this is the last I’ll be commenting on this subject. It’s silly and there are far more important things I should be doing. 

Thank you, by the way. I’m glad you enjoy my trash ;D