#themartinsfosterjourney fostercare storytime

[onwardshestumbles]

Foster Care Awareness Month

It was already dark outside. I can still see the social workers head lights painting our tiny living room walls with light, as she pulled into our driveway. I was so excited to see his face and hear his voice for the first time. After six months of Foster Parent training, home study's and waiting, we had finally gotten our first placement. The only information we had been given by the placement worker was his name and age, he was three years old. But my excitement quickly spoiled to guilt when I saw his tiny fingers clinching the social works hand as he walked down our driveway. All he had was an old duffle-bag with four pieces of clothing that were stained by the smell of stale cigarette smoke. I quickly realized even if his mother's drug addiction and prostitution charges had justified the State removing him from her home, she was still his mommy and I was just a stranger. That first night all I could do was stay awake and pray that he would sleep all night. That he did. 402,378 children are in the foster care system in our country. Some needing a place to stay for a few nights, months or years and some needing forever homes. The goal of foster care in most situations is reunification and empowering birth families to make lasting changes that will rebuild their families. I know what you're thinking "I could never do that, I would get too attached!". But us foster parents aren't some rare breed of human, with super hero heart that don't get shattered. After all the goodbyes from fostering eight children in one year, we can see how dying of a broken heart could truly happen. But like one of my favorite quote states "You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered." You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to. By, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. This is true for me, I would never want to be the same woman I was before becoming a foster mother. Choosing to be a foster mama is choosing the uncomfortable and unpredictable life of opening up your home to children who have never had a choice of comfort and security. After each goodbye my husband would say "the purpose outweighs the pain and the blessings outweigh our burden!". If you're interested in becoming a foster parent there are different options and they very from state to state. Typically you start with your local foster parent training that is offered by your state or local private foster care/adoption agencies. We chose to become Foster parents through the state of Tennessee because our initial intention were to foster, not to adopt. We knew there was a big need for good foster families in our city. So after you choose who you're getting certified through, get signed up for training to complete your hours to get your certification. Most likely your local foster parent training information can be found on your states website under Department of children services. Also http://www.adoptuskids.org/adoption-and-foster-care/overview/foster-parenting is a great resource for more information. So after you've completed your training your next step will most likely be completing a home study. Again this will look different from state to state. Our homestudy took about two months to complete. It included lots of paperwork and a safety check list to get our home ready for foster children. During our homestudy we also clarified age ranges, behaviors and needs for children we felt capable of fostering. After our home study was completed four weeks later we received a letter notifying us that we had been certified by the state of Tennessee to be foster parents. And then we just waited for the phone to ring. It was about four weeks before we received our first call for that sweet little three-year-old. He was with us for about two months before he was placed with his stepfather who had fought for custody of him. We then fostered a 13-year-old teen for a few weeks. Then came a 16-year-old pregnant teen who was still with us when her little girl was born. They were with us for six months and we are grateful to still have them in our lives. We even got to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with them. Now our foster journey has taken a turn that we could've never expected. It started when we received a call for three week old baby boy in November 2015. Six months later we received another call that his three siblings needed a place to live. Over the past few months their biological parents have stopped all efforts of getting their children back. In March we officially adopted our four beautiful children. I'm not going to lie. Being a foster mom is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have loved deeply, grieved until my heart was hollowed, I have been to war advocating for my foster children. I still to this day carry the weight of the neglect, abuse and abandonment of my foster children. I don't believe I could say it any better than CS Lewis stated in this quote "There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one." I do not believe that being a foster parent is for everyone, however I do believe that there are many more mamas out there that would make kick ass foster moms. So if you are willing to risk heartbreak in effort to rebuild a child's life then I invite you to join me on the crazy beautiful journey of becoming a foster mama.

[onwardshestumbles]

How did we get here!? (Our Foster- to-Adoption Story)

To begin this wild adventure, I need to bring you back to Christmas 2012. Our best friends, Lauren and Josh, got their first placement as Foster Parents. We had the honor of walking with them on their incredible journey of loving two of the most amazing kiddos. I was actually at the court date in May 2013 when the judge made a manipulated decision to send their two kiddos back to a home that was unsafe, and certainly not ready for them. In a small town court room, I witnessed the injustice of a decision being made that had nothing to do with the best interest of the children. It was solely based off of "reunification is the goal". To top it off, our judicial system twisted the concerns that were voiced by my friends to spin a web of lies to question their motives of being foster parents. The outcome was covered with corruption and deflection, not about setting up the biological parents for success or best interest of these two little souls. I was there when they painfully packed their kiddos belongings with no warning that goodbye would come so soon.

Shortly after this experience, I was sitting in our one-bedroom apartment in downtown Nashville on our blue couch with a new friend, Mimi. She bravely started to share her story with me, including stories of being a victim of the dark side of foster care. Those stories that we hear, but just hope aren't true. Through her honest words and grace filled testimony, the Lord spoke to me, right there on our big blue couch just as she was talking. It wasn't one of those little whispers or puzzle piece thoughts you have to try to figure out what it means. It was more like, "You are supposed to be a foster parents!"

Later that night when my husband got home, I shared with him the message that I received from God. "So guess what," I said. "Oh now what," he replied waiting for my next big idea! "So, we're supposed to be foster parents!" I said in my high pitch excited voice. He didn't respond so I just kept talking, pleading my case, saying everything I could think of to convince him that this was really from God! Our short conversation grew from weeks to months, going back-and-forth debating reasons why we should or shouldn't foster. I'll give it to him he had a strong case- we lived in a one bedroom apartment, he was working for a small airline not making very much money, we hadn't even had conversations about having any biological kids let alone opening up our home to other people's kids. I gave it a good shot at trying to convince him on my own with the statistics, sad pictures of children waiting for homes, touching articles foster dads. I tried to twist his arm and bully him into it, but all of my efforts fell short. So I waved my white flag and gave up. Maybe that wasn't God that I heard, maybe it was my own desires that I was trying to force to become reality. I am the dreamer, the one that precedes without caution and in all fairness I have presented him with some pretty crazy ideas in the past. So I just chalked this up as one of those situations and made a promise with myself to lock my lips regarding the idea of becoming foster parents and I would move on. Shortly after, we were eating at our favorite sushi restaurant and a significant conversation. The tone of his voice changed as he began to speak. "I've been praying a lot about if we should become foster parents or not." I just held my breath almost in disbelief that he was bringing it up. He continued, "I feel like the Lord has told me that we are supposed to do this!" It took all of my adult strength to play it cool, but there is no physical strength that could have held back the tears! He started to tell me about a good friend of his that grew up in foster care. His foster dad passed away, leaving him alone at 16. Over the next few years, this guy lived in a van, and started his own business. It's obvious that God used this friend to reveal His plan and purpose to Jason. I'm not sure why the Lord shows me some things first, but it could be to teach me patience to allow my husband to lead our family. I'm still not as good at it as it should be, but I'm growing

So then came the classes to become certified foster parents, following was our homestudy. From start to finish it took us six months before we got our first placement. To me, it felt like a marathon and to him it felt like a sprint. Our vision for becoming foster parents was to foster pregnant teen moms, because I work as a birth Doula and have daydreamed about providing a safe place for new moms. Our intentions were never to adopt as we dreamed of having two or three biological children and fostering on and off.

Our first placement was the sweetest little three-year-old that won the hearts of us all. We had the joy of loving on him for two whole months before he was reunified with his father. 

Shortly after came a spunky 13-year-old who was only with us for a week.

 Then came that life-changing call. Jason and I were ordering coffee and headed to volunteer at the women's mission when we got the call for a three week old baby boy. I asked the placement worker to hold on while I asked my husband what he thought. "It's a three week old baby boy!" I said in that really high-pitched excited voice. "But we haven't talked about fostering babies" he replied. "I know but it's a baby" was my obvious response. "What about work, we both work full-time" which was a very valid point! "I know but we'll figure it out, it's a baby" I disputed! Then he took the phone from my hands and told the placement worker we'd take him.

Five months later we got our first call for a pregnant teen and we joyfully said yes. We immediately painted a room, bought new bedding and even a TV for her room. Long story short a lot of information was withheld from the placement worker and we ended up having to say no to having her come into our home. At that point we had to look out for the safety of our five month old little guy. Two weeks later we received another call for a pregnant teen. An hour before this call I was praying, thanking the Lord for all the sweet blessings he had poured into our lives. "Lord where ever you call us we will go, whatever you ask from us we will say yes." I prayed. Then my phone rang it was a placement worker asking us to take in a 15-year-old mom to be. I grilled the placement worker she could hear the distrust in my voice. I told her I'd call her back after I talk to my husband. I told him about the 15-year-old girl and as I was talking I could see the uncertainty in his face. "I just don't see it", "I just feel like the Lord shut the door with the last teen mom we were ready to take in." Then I shared with him the promise I had made with the Lord moments before receiving the call. "So you better be certain of your decision, don't make me a liar to God!" I said in a annoyed voice (I told you I'm a work in progress). After seeking some godly counsel from a trusted friend he told me he thought we could do it. The next day, this tiny little pregnant 15-year-old firecracker walked into our home. Within 24 hours she had let down her guard and it was the beginning of our lifelong bond with her. I even had the honor of being her birth Doula and witnessing the first breath of her baby girl.

One month later, our baby's 3 older siblings were in need of a foster home. This would bring the total children under our roof to six. I'm pretty sure you can figure out how the conversation went leading up to this decision. I pushed, he said no and then he prayed about it and said yes!

And here we are. Our little mama and baby girl have since been reunified with their family. But they are forever family and come to visit often. Our four little siblings' biological parents have stopped any effort of getting their children back, which dealt us another one of those push, no, pray, yes conversations about adopting four children. Because if you remember adoption was never part of the plan, especially adopting four. But thank goodness we are not writing this story, this is a lot better than I could've done! And I know the short story of me trying to sum up the work of God in all of our lives will fall short. It's been way more magical than my vocabulary could express. But we are excited, and grateful for this crazy wacky journey that the Lord has taken us on. And we can't wait to become a family of six, maybe seven soon (we've decided to try for one biological child, The kids are even praying for it!). Who knows there might be a chapter 2 to the story, so stay tuned!