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wosoamazing · 4 months

Text

A New Chapter

Y/N Williamson Epilogue?? (My last fic before I refresh my page/content...)

IMPORTANT: This fic involves a heterosexual relationship between R and a Fictional character... If this is something you don't want to read I suggest you move on. WARNINGS: bad injury (hip), mentions of hospitals and surgery, moving away, rehab, heterosexual relationships, some swearing, periods, endometriosis, vomit/mentions of, being scared to return home, mild sickness, kids?, hints/links to miscarriage (not everyone will notice), suggestive?? - it's long so there are a lot, I have tried to list them in order, however if you do really want to read it but you can't bc of some of the warnings message me and I can see if I can cut that part of the story out for you. A/N: Not properly edited yet, I will edit it later - so sorry if any mistakes. Also sorry if the second half of it feels rushed, it was getting so long but I may have accidentally rushed it trying to make it not insanely long... (Word Count: 7462 - be prepared, hopefully it's not boring)

Your dream of playing in an Olympics Final came crashing down 15 minutes into the Matildas’ opening match of the tournament. A corner had been given, Steph kicked it in and the next second you were on the ground in agony, it seemed to happen in fast forward for you. However for Leah, who was watching at home, the moment unfolded so agonisingly slowly, she saw Frohms place a hand on your shoulder restricting you from jumping, as Oberdorf jumped into the air behind you, if it wasn't for Frohms’ hand on your shoulder the goal could’ve been yours, she was angry and hoped the ref had picked up on it, however she wasn’t angry for long, as she saw the trajectory Oberdorf was coming down on, her jump slightly too high meaning she lost control. Time slowed to an almost stop as Leah froze sat in front of the TV, watching as Oberdorfs midsection completely landed on top of your left shoulder, she almost felt her heart stop as she saw your left leg brace, watching as it popped out from the force of Oberdorfs head hitting your thigh, causing you to completely crumple onto the ground. Thankfully the players around reacted quick enough to grab onto Oberdorf and flip her, otherwise your injury wouldn’t have been the worst, and something unimaginable could’ve happened. She saw your body jolt as you were turned onto your back, the look on your face along with the scream you let out indicating your hip most likely popped back into place. The full weight of it all occurred seconds later when a phone was brought onto the pitch and steph did something on it, Leah’s phone started to ring.

“Leah, she,” Steph breathed out not knowing what to say

“I know. I saw. Can I talk to her?” Leah asked before hearing some shuffling from the other end, watching Steph crouch down next to you on the TV.

“Le-ah,” your voice came across the phone, it was full of pain and fear, Leah was honestly surprised you hadn’t passed out from the pain yet, but maybe you were running on adrenaline or shook, all she was certain about was that she needed to be there for you, in one way or another.

“Hi bug, you’re doing so well, being so brave. They are going to take good care of you, I promise. I love you so so much, and I’ll be there very soon, you’ve got this bug,” she told you before Steph took the phone back to her ear as the medics needed to move you, “we’re coming, our flight is in like an hour, we are actually about to leave now,” she informed her club teammate as she watched her fiance leave the bedroom wheeling a suitcase behind her.

______

You were immediately taken into surgery, where they did x-rays and scans. You woke up a few hours later surrounded by machines, unable to feel your left leg, but your left shoulder and torso ached badly, but quickly you noticed Steph, Sam, Leah, Lia and Alexia all sitting around the white washed sterile room. The people who you looked up to in your life and who inspired you, all in a hospital room, to be there for you, for some it meant taking time out of their teams olympic tournament. Maybe even risking unfair punishment and her mental health for one. For two others it meant getting on a plane last minute, dropping all other plans, including the IVF appointment they had waited a year for, not knowing when the next one would be, willingly letting go of their hope to have kids in the near future for you. In that moment you realised how much you meant to them, never before had the meaning of you to them been so tangible, they meant the universe and more to you, but maybe you meant ever more than that to them.

Leah noticed your eyes open and moved beside your bed, “Hey bug, how are you feeling?” she said ever so softly, and you just blinked groggily at her as she leant in to kiss your forehead mumbling “I love you very much,” before her hands moved to cup your face and her thumbs wiped away the silent tears that had started to fall from your eyes. The others all got up and left not only to find a doctor but give you two a moment of privacy.

“Hi, Y/N, nice to see you awake, I’m Dr NAME and this is Dr NAME, we were the two surgeons who operated on you,” one of the doctors spoke as they walked in, smiling at you, you kind of nodded at them and watched as their gaze turned to Leah before going through your chart, “and you’re Leah,” she nodded at them. “Okay so,” he started talking but you were too tired to listen and zoned out, hearing the words, dislocated, hairline fracture, Iliofemoral and Pubofemoral. You would eventually come to find those are the things that happened to your, during the fall your tore your Iliofemoral and Pubofemoral ligaments, which then meant when Oberdorf’s head hit your thigh it was a lot easier for your hip to dislocate which it did, you had a hairline fracture in your femoral neck but it was unknown which mechanics of the injury caused that, sometimes they would insert a pin but as yours was only small and you were young, they didn’t, it also meant they likelihood of you returning to football was higher, however you still would most likely never return.

You were stuck in Paris until the end of the tournament, the risk of you flying back home versus the ‘risk’ of you staying there were incomparable and so you and your crutches, along with your bandaged hip, sporting the equivalent of a hinged knee brace but for a hip over your leggings, were dragged along to the final match, the first time you had been in the public's eye properly since your injury. You were dreading this match for multiple reasons. It meant you would be in the media’s sight, and you would also have to interact with the people you had been ignoring. But even more it meant you had to watch your teammates and ‘family’ get to do the one thing you had ever dreamt of, the thing that was almost never going to happen now. You stood alongside Sam during the national anthem, wearing an official match jersey, your own name on your back, as a tear rolled down your cheek, which after the anthem Sam wiped away before hugging you tightly. She understood the pain to some extent, however she knew well and truly before the olympics started the team could make it to the final and she would be standing on the sidelines, for you it was different, you should’ve been on that pitch today, if it wasn’t for your injury you would’ve been starting, as the main forward, but that didn;t matter now, you would probably never start for the matildas or any football club/team again, she knew it, the team knew it, the world knew it, you even knew it, you just didn’t want to have to face that reality.

The whistle blew and every single member of the Australian’s on the sidelines got up and sprinted onto the pitch, except you, every single A.O.C football personal was on the pitch celebrating, but you weren’t. You couldn't, you couldn’t get up, but that's not the reason you were not on the pitch, you didn’t want to be, you didn’t deserve to be.

The next second the whole bench shook, Kyra had catapulted herself into the row of seats in front of you, you looked up, her face shiny from sweat, holding the world's biggest grin, “come join us,” you just shook your head, “I can help, I’ll be sensible and careful. Please?” she begged, causing a tear to roll down your cheek, causing her face to quickly drop as she moved to hug you, making you cry more, causing more girls to start to filter over to you, all leaving with dampened moods, all having failed attempts at cheering you up and failing to convince you to join them. All celebrating as they walked across the stage receiving their medals, whilst they lifted the trophy, but the pain in their eyes was evident, you watched Kyra bite her nail nervously as she looked into your direction, you were still sat in you seat, having refused to collect your medal, you played 15 minutes you didn’t deserve it. You burdened the team, Steph spent way too long laying awake in her bed, the moment replaying in her head everytime she closed her eyes. Kyra cried herself to sleep almost every night, she missed you, you might’ve been with them physically but that was it, she knew she would have to go back to Arsenal without you and most likely never play with you again and that hurt her. Macca couldn’t shake the feeling of horror that ran through her body as she heard your scream so loud and clear from the other end of the pitch, she hadn’t even had her hearing aids in and yet it sounded like you were inside her ear. If anything the team had won in spite of you, you had in no way helped them get there, you were the cause for their pain, you didn’t deserve a medal at all.

“Bebita,” Alexia said softly as she bobbed down in front of you, “No,” you harshly snapped at her, “Et mereixes una medalla, les vas aconseguir aquí i vas formar part de l'equip sigui el que passi. (You deserve a medal, you got them here and you were part of the team no matter what),” you just shook your head at her, “Bé, doncs, almenys deixa'm agafar el teu i guardar-lo segur per a tu, per quan el vulguis després. (Well then at least let me take yours and keep it safe for you, for when you want it later.)” you shrugged your shoulders and so she placed your medal around her neck, for you. Before pulling you into a tight hug and not letting go for a very long time. The no you said to Alexia had been the last word you spoke to anyone before flying back under the intense supervision of the medics to England, where Lia and Leah meet you at the airport, taking you home.

______

“What’s wrong?” your sister asked, having put up with your attitude for way too long knowing you needed to break and rather than continuing to walk on eggshells waiting for you to break she decided to do it the hard way, allowing you to use her as a punching bag until you broke.

“What’s wrong, you’re fucking joking right, are you somesort of imbesile,” you sneered at her, “Oh I don’t know, maybe the fact I’ll never fucking play again, my career is over at 18, the rug has literally been swept out from under my feet, and none of it was even my fault, noone even got a fucking red, for ending my career, the ref decided that a career ending injury didn’t equate to a red. I had to watch as my friends my family lived out my dream, my fucking dream, I’m olympian, but am I really, 15 fucking minutes out of a minimum 540 minutes, I’m 2% of an olympian, I suppose that 2% counts though right? It’s not like I helped the team, I made it harder, I don’t deserve a medal but everyone else seems to think otherwise.”

“But you do bug, you were there, you got your team there, you were going to be the best young player of the year,” Leah tried to reason with you.

“Going being the key word there, I was going to win a Balloon d’or, I was going to be in the fifa best 11, I was going to win a golden boot, I was going to be and do so many things, but going is past tense, it’s never going to happen, I’m never going to get any awards ever again.” You shouted at her.

“Where are you going?” Leah asked as she watched you stand up, the room having fallen to silence moments ago.

“Away from you, I-, I-” you shook your head trying to clear your mind, Leah stepped closer to you, knowing your walls were about to crumble.

“What am I meant to do now, Le?” you asked, completely and utterly broken, “What happens now?”

Leah swallowed back her emotions “I don’t know bug, I’m sorry,” you collapsed into her and she picked you up being mindful of your hip, before lying down on the couch, your body on top of hers. You buried your head into her neck as you sobbed, your whole body shook, and all Leah could do was hold you, and try and comfort you and reassure you in a moment where there were no answers, how are you meant to comfort someone and give them reassurance when the doctors don’t even know. How are you meant to tell someone it's going to be okay when the only way to know what will happen is for them to go through an excruciating rehab process only to then very likely be told they could never play again.

____________________________________________________________

You were cleared to fly long distances 3 months after your surgery, 2 months since you returned, so that’s what you did. You flew to Australia, bought an apartment and started a new life essentially, one that not everyone knew your past in intricate detail, however being a Matilda most people knew who you were but it was different.

Charlie got Lachlan to keep an eye on you and so you did things with his friends and sometimes even his team. You found yourself getting closer to one of his friends in particular, he always made sure you weren't left behind because they were walking too fast, he was ‘coincidentally’ at the same rehab gym you went to when you first put weight on your leg still relying on your crutches heavily, he celebrated for you but quite, not to make you uncomfortable, he offered to drive you to your appointment the one where you were allowed to use only one crutch, he celebrated for you then too, a bit more openly but not nearly as enthusiastic as he would’ve liked. You invited him to the appointment where you would start walking without any assistance, he celebrated quite loudly for you that day, insisting he needed to take you out for dinner, you accepted it, hoping it would lead to something more, and it did. You quickly found yourself spending more time at his house than yours, more of your belongings there than you had at your own home. He was honestly perfect, and for whatever reason you had this feeling that a shoe would drop any second.

— FLASHBACK —

One night he woke up to you crying in your sleep, sitting up slightly he noticed there was blood on the sheets underneath you. Shaking you softly, he woke you up, before quietly saying “Baby, I think you’ve come on.”

“Shit,” you sighed out before curling into a tighter ball, “Why don’t you go have a shower and I’ll change the sheets,” He offered as he kissed your shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” you mumbled, rolling over to your back, “why?”, “because I’ve bleed all over the sheets, sorry,” “Baby, it's just a little blood, it’s okay, don’t worry,” you nodded before getting up and hobbling to the bathroom.

“Hey, babe you okay?” he asked as he approached the bathroom door, having finished changing the sheets, you didn’t reply to him, but he heard the muffled sounds of you crying, “I’m coming in okay,” he told you before softly opening the door, seeing you on the floor, your legs curled underneath you, as you sobbed, he bobbed down next to you, placing a hand on your back, “Do I need to take you to the hospital? I don’t think this is normal,” you shook your head as you reached to grab his hand as another wave of pain washed over you, taking a deep breath you fought off the nausea before blurting out “endometriosis,” hoping he could make conclusions from that.

“Do you need your tablets or something?” he asked and you looked at him confused. How did he know?

“My sister's girlfriend has it, I don’t know much about it but I know some things. Are your tablets in the drawer in the kitchen with the tape and stuff, are they the things in the arsenal pouch?” He asked and you nodded, being in too much pain to talk. He quickly left and returned, with your tablets, some water and heat packs.

“Not blue box,” you told him and he nodded before popping out some of the other tablets as per the labels and handing them to you.

“Do you want me to hold you?” he asked as a tear rolled down your cheek, “But-” you tried to protest weakly.

“I honestly don't care. I just want to help, I want you to feel better,” you nodded shyly at him and he picked you up placing you in his lap as he handed you a heat pack, you curled up and hid your head in his chest, falling asleep eventually.

— END FLASHBACK —

You met up with some of the Matildas’ for coffee during one of their camps, and he and Lachlan came, him on the basis he was Lachlan’s friend.

“How long?” Steph asked as she walked alongside you, both slightly behind the others.

“What?” “You know what I mean, how long?” “I don’t know, it started as friends and then the lines blurred and then somewhere along the way he asked me to be his girlfriend,” she hummed in response, “Have you told Leah?” “What do you think,” you asked her before Harper ran up to you.

Later that night you were lying in bed next to him, head resting on his shoulder as his finger drew soft circles on your hip, over your leggings, when your phone buzzed.

Steph: You need to tell Leah. I know you don’t want to, but just think about it this way, at least you won't be telling her in person. But no, I seriously think telling her sooner rather than later would be better.

You sighed after reading her message dropping your phone on the mattress next to you, you dreaded telling your sister, especially when you already barely spoke.

“What’s wrong,” he asked as you rolled on top of him, letting out a heavy breath.

“Steph figured us out and is insisting I tell Leah,” “Oh, why don’t you want to tell Leah?” “Do you want to tell your brother?” “Shit no,” “Exactly,” there is a pause, “but I do need to tell Leah, especially if I am going to go back when you go on holidays,”

“You can stay here, you know that right?”

“No, I have to go back. Barça wants to announce my departure officially anyway. I don’t have a choice,” you sighed out, “what if I messaged and then just threw my phone out”

“You know you can’t do that,” he chuckled softly, causing you to groan as you rolled off him.

“I don’t want to have to face them all, I ran away, they probably want nothing to do with me anymore anyway,”

“I don’t know if that’s true, Steph and Kyra were so happy and excited to see you today, so was the rest of the team but especially them.” he said and you nodded before he spoke again, “Well I don’t know about Charli, she was too busy catching up with Lachy to even notice you were there I think,” you laughed at his comment, you turned the TV onto the Arsenal match which was about to start as the pair of you feel into silence.

“Would you ever want kids?” he asked you out of the blue.

“Um, yeah, most likely, especially now it won’t be interrupting my career,” you tried to joke, “why?” “Oh, just curious, you were just really good with Harper and her little brother today, and I don’t know why but that thought came up. Also, doesn't Steph have a kid?”

“Yeah, he stayed in London with Dean for this camp,” he just nodded as your attention both went back to the game.

____________________________________________________________

“What do you want for lunch?” Leah asked as you sat down in one of the kitchen stools as Leah and Lia walked into the kitchen. Leah had picked you up from the airport but as Harry was actually on holiday with his friends you went your separate ways, however you had a lunch planned for tomorrow with him, you, Leah and Lia.

“Not eggs,” Lia injected before you could answer, you were confused about her answer but just nodded anyway.

“Um, I don’t really care, I’m not that hungry anyway,”

They decided on Ham Sandwiches for lunch and as you ate you caught up with them, before ending up on the couch watching TV with them, they were still talking however you had fallen more silent, leaning into Leah’s side for a hug, “You okay? You’ve just gone a bit quiet and look a bit pale,” Leah asked looking down at you.

“Mmm, I’m just a bit tired,” you admitted.

“Why don’t you go up to sleep, we have no plans until tomorrow.” you nodded before moving to go upstairs.

______

“Bug you okay?” Leah asked as she sat down on the edge of the bed, brushing her hand over your face causing you to stir slightly.

“Mmmm, sorry do you want me to go?” you mumbled half asleep.

“No, it’s okay, you can stay in here, just wanted to check you were okay,” you nodded slightly before letting out a rather chesty cough, “you sure about being okay?” you just groaned at her before rolling over, feeling her slip in behind you and pull you in for a hug, it felt just like old times.

“What are you doing in here?” Leah asked as she entered the bathroom, obviously just waking up from her midday nap.

“I feel like I’m going to be sick,” you informed her.

“Oh, scoot forward,” she instructed you and you moved away from the wall. She sat behind you before pulling you onto her lap, you collapsed back into her, resting your head on her shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” you said breaking the silence as you turned your head on her shoulder so you could look at her, “I should’ve told you, you did some much for me, you were there for me my whole life and then I just up left, no warning, nothing, and then I basically ghosted you,”

“It’s okay,” she told you

“But it wasn’t, I even told you about Harry over text, the first thing I told you in months after not even telling you I could walk without crutches was that I had a-” “Boyfriend,” “Well yeah,”

“I understand, and I understood, it was hard, don’t get that wrong, but it isn’t the only time one of us has just upped and left, I think you’d remember how once I got my professional contract and I had to move, I didn’t tell you, I couldn’t bare to see your sad little face when I told you, so I just left, at least you had a reason, I didn’t have one at all, and you technically had two reasons, the injury and payback,”

“I forgot about that, but thank you for reminding me, I will use it if Mum or Dad get angry at me,”

“Please don’t, but I do understand. You did it for you, you needed to find yourself, figure out who you were without football, which meant you needed to be separated from everything that reminded you of what was once, of what you loved and still love, and that included us, and it;s okay. I was never angry, I just really missed you, you’re still my baby sister, and no matter what happens you will still be the most important person in my life.”

“Oh,” you felt your gut sink at her confession, suddenly the feeling of being sick became very real, “I’m sorry,” you replied quietly as you moved your head back flat against her shoulder, staring at the ceiling. You felt your mouth fill with saliva and closed your eyes taking some deep breaths.

“Should we cancel lunch tomorrow?” Leah asked as you continued to take deep breaths knowing why you were.

“No,” you said as you shook your head, the nausea having finally passed, “I’ll be fine, I just need to sleep more,”

“Okay, also Lia has an appointment with the medics tomorrow just so they can do some checks and stuff, it's before lunch but you’ll probably have to come and just hang out at the club because otherwise we might be late to lunch,” you nodded your head before you felt yourself dozing off.

____

“Hey, how are you?” Aaron asked as he walked into the gym followed by Declan, you had decided to do some of your rehab exercises while you waited for Lia and Leah.

“Yeah, pretty good. You?” You replied kindly

“Alright, know much about your prospects yet?” he asked, referring to your hip, you froze, not knowing what to say.

“Um, not yet, still another month until I find out,” you lied, you had already been told, but you weren’t ready to tell anyone else yet.

As you continued with your exercises, you couldn’t help but notice your heart rate get faster and your chest get tighter as time passed. When you felt yourself slightly shaking you slipped out of the gym, sliding down the wall in the hallway, your actions didn’t go unnoticed by declan who quickly followed you out but walked past you down to the medics office. He returned following behind Leah, who bobbed down next to you before looking up at him.

“Please don’t tell anyone about what we were speaking about in there,” she asked him

“Of course I wouldn’t Leah, it’s your own personal information, I’m sorry for interrupting, it’s just that,” he gestured towards you, “and if you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask.”

“No thank you,” she said before shifting her focus to you.

“Hey, what's going on? You okay? Do you feel sick?” she asked in a soft, concerned voice, you couldn’t manage to speak so you just shook your head, “Take some deep breaths, you’re okay, it’s okay, nothing happened, you’re safe.”

“I can’t play,” you managed to get out after some deep breaths, the words almost immediately lifting a weight of your chest, “I’m never going to play again, I can’t,” you told her before breaking down into tears.

“Oh Bug, I’m so sorry,” she said as she pulled you in for a tight hug.

“How much longer are we here for?” you asked as you pulled away, having calmed down slightly.

“Probably ten more minutes. Have you thought about what you’re going to do?”

“A little, once I was out long term the offers started to come out anyway but I haven’t really considered them. I’m thinking of coaching though, I just can’t decide,” Leah hummed in response to you, and you sat in silence, just embracing her presence until Lia came out.

____________________________________________________________

After you spoke with Leah and Lia about not playing it was decided you needed to ask someone who wasn’t affected by your choice in any way. So you decided on going to Barcelona at the same time as Harry, for different reasons though. Hoping Alexia could help and give you some guidance.

So that’s how you found yourself sat in your seat on the plane as it sat on the tarmac waiting to disembark, your right knee bounced up and down uncontrollably as you nervously looked up and down the aisle. When you felt a hand placed on your knee, you jumped slightly before relaxing into the touch slightly, “It’s going to be okay, stop worrying, from what you’ve told me they will only care that you are okay and safe, they might be slightly annoyed but they’ll understand.” You nodded whilst stilling looking around, “and remember you can call me at anytime and I can come to you at anytime you want me to, the boys won't mind, they might just make a condition that they have to meet the team if that occurs,” you both let out a light laugh at that.

As you walked out of customs his hand slipped into yours, and you dropped your head onto his shoulder, causing him to kiss your temple. Just ahead you saw Lucy, who had raised her eyebrows, ignoring her you turned to him and hugged him. “I’m going to miss you so much,” you mumbled into his neck, “Same, but remember you can call whenever you need and I’ll call every night,” you nodded before you pulled your head out of his neck and your lips connected, your legs lifting to wrap around his waist as he wrapped his arms around yours.

“All right you two, stop sucking face, we need to go,” Lucy said interrupting you.

You huffed at her and she gave you the same look she would give you when you huffed at her for not getting you second ice cream when you were younger at England camps.

“Didn’t take you as someone who would be into PDAs Mini Leah,” Lucy teased you knowing the nickname would set you off.

“Well Lucy, when you’re in love, those things don’t matter,” you replied to her dramatically as you followed her out of the airport.

____

Its safe to say walking into the place you called home two years ago was emotional, and as you stood there waiting for Lucy to get everything she needed out of the car, Alexia and Mapi walked by, however Mapi halted, she was stopped in her tracks, as she was behind alexia who hadn't noticed you, and kept walking.

“Ale, Alexia,” Mapi stood there calling for her, “Alexia” she shouted,

“Què (what)”, Mapi couldn’t do anything other than gesture to you with her head, Alexia came running back down the hall and froze when she saw you.

“What’s wrong with them?” Lucy asked as she finally walked through the doors.

They stuttered, not being able to get words out, Lucy just ignored them and pulled you along behind her, to the pitch, where everyone was celebrating. Making your way over to where Ingrid, Frido and Ona stood, all giving you a hug, before a small girl came running up to you, “opp, Klem,” she said whilst she made grabby hands at you, she was Ingrid and Mapi’s daughter.

“I’m sorry, I can’t pick you up because I have an ouchie hip,” you said as you looked at her softly before looking back up at your old teammates, who all gave you sorry looks.

“Please don’t do that, that’s not why I came,” you sighed out before walking over to where Olga was standing by herself.

“Hi,” she said as she smiled and hugged you, you caught Alexia looking at you with a concerned look from the corner of her eye, Lucy and Kiera were talking to her and Mapi, most likely about how you didn’t want to be treated differently etc.

“Hi, is she mad?” you asked Olga, stepping away from the hug slightly.

“What?” “That I didn’t come to the wedding?” “A little upset Si, but not mad, more concerned, but we understood.” you nodded at her “it did take a week to calm her down after she found out you left England, she wasn’t mad though, more scared of whether you were safe or not,” you nodded weakly as you bit your bottom lip.

“Bebita,” Alexia said as she came up to you hugging you, before standing between you and Olga, almost the whole team following behind, creating a circle as they all started talking, it felt just like old times, like no time had passed, but it had almost been two years, you were struggling to follow the conversation like you used to, having not used your spanish in so long, everything was bringing back old times, old memories, memories you wished you could keep living, but this chapter of your life was over now, you moved to stand in front of Alexia and hug her, she wraps her arms around you whilst continuing her conversations, your shoulders started to shake softly as you started to cry and everyone looked at her concerned however she shook her head, indicating for them to continue and ignore it. After a while you seemed to have managed to calm down and you pulled away from Allexia slightly, she cupped your face in her hands, “Whatever happens, it's going to be okay.” you gave her a weak nod before moving to stand next to her.

“We are going for dinner at Ingrid and Mapi’s tonight, most of the team will be there and I think Harder and Erikson are coming too, you can come if you want.” Alexia said as you entered the ever so familiar house.

“Um, okay,” you said as you placed your phone on the table and went to grab a drink from the fridge before hearing your phone ring, Alexia caught a glimpse of the screen as she handed it to you. She knew exactly who it was from the look on your phone, not who the person was but who they were to you.

“Don’t tell anyone please, not many know yet,” she nodded, “do I get to meet this boy?”

“Alexia,” Olga called out sternly from the living room, clearly she still was in charge, something that hadn’t changed.

“Maybe, I think his friends and him are going to the game this weekend,” you said before you answered the phone and retreated to the spare room noticing how it was still your room and not a spare room at all.

____

You were sitting on the floor with Hailee, having been dragged away from your conversation with Mapi, Ingrid, Alexia and Olga by the small girl into her playroom. Not that you really minded though.

“They’ve told you you can’t play again haven’t they,” you were startled slightly by the unfamiliar voice, looking up to see Madga leaning on the door frame.

“How did you know?”

“I don’t know, I just could tell, maybe because I only knew you as football, where as they knew you as football and you, so they can’t see it. Does anyone know?”

“Yeah, Lia and Leah, and someone else, and now also you supposedly,” you flatly replied.

“What are you doing tomorrow?” you looked at her blankly, “I’ll take that as nothing, what if you came over to Frido’s while the team is at training and Pernille and I help you decide, we have no connection, it could help,”

“Bayern don’t need a new coach?” she shook her head, and you just nodded slightly, “okay so it’s settled then,” she said before turning around, “Frido, do you have a big whiteboard at home? If no, we need to buy one before tomorrow morning,” you heard her yell out as she walked away.

____________________________________________________________

Having made your decision with the help of Magda and Pernille you returned to England with Harry. To tell Arsenal, after it was official, just not yet announced, you went for lunch with Leah, Lia and Harry to tell them all, Lia and Leah took it well however Harry jumped out of his seat saying he needed to be somewhere, and since he wouldn’t return your calls, so you had no clue if you would see him or not, maybe he was leaving you.

“Turn around,” Steph said as she saw Harry running to the facility doors where you were waiting for Lia and Leah to get out of the car, having a chat with Steph.

“Will you move in with me?” He blurted out, slightly puffed as he reached you.

“What?” You questioned not understanding what he meant.

“I didn’t answer your call, or your message or your subsequent calls because I was doing something, for you, for me, for us. Remember how I played Rugby Union in high school,” you nodded, “well, I wasn’t ignoring you because I was mad you took the job, I wasn’t ignoring you at all, I was trialling for a rugby club, so we could be together, I love you too much and you mean too much for me to go back halfway across the world from you. They offered me a contract, it isn’t the greatest, but it will do, anything that means I can stay with you is perfect,” tears started to fall from your eyes, “I’m sorry,” he said slightly panicking, questioning if he said something wrong.

“No, no,” you said as you shook your head, wrapping your arms around his neck and picking your legs up “Thank you,” you mumbled into his ear before placing your head on his shoulder, not believing it.

“I’m assuming it worked?” Leah asked as she walked towards the three of you, he nodded in her direction as you let go, “ready to do this?” your sister asked as she looked at you and you nodded, starting to feel nervous agin.

____

“I’m coming back to Arsenal,” you told everyone as you stood in front of them, Harry standing on the sides, Jonas inisting he come in considering he was there already, they all cheered slightly before you interrupted them, “but not in the way you probably all want, I’m going to be part of the staff, the coaching team, I-,” your voice cracked, as you took a shaky breath “I won’t-, I-I can’t ever play again. I will never be able to play again, it’s uncertain whether I will be able to run without pain, let alone play,” you sniffed, you felt panic rise within you, “I’m sorry,” you said quietly before walking out the door tears streaming down your face, trying to ignore the looks of sorry, disappointment or confusion. Leah’s immediate reaction was to stand up and go to you, but Lia tugged her arm forcing her back down in her chair, gesturing to the figure that was rushing out the door after you.

“I’m sorry, I-'' you blubbered out as someone came towards you, “Hey, none of that, baby none of this is your fault, and you literally have nothing to apologise about,” he said as he stood in front of you, you immediately fell into him at the sound of his voice and felt his strong arms hold you tight as you buried your head in his neck, he started swaying you and gave you a small kiss on the side of your head every now and then, trying to calm you down, knowing that was probably one of the hardest things you had to say, he knew you always wanted to finish your career at Arsenal, and now that was never going to happen, at least in the way you wanted, you would never be a Matilda again, you would never walk out onto a football pitch in the same way again, your goals were changing and you were struggling with that. He knew that, no matter how much you tried to hide your feelings.

The door creaked as it opened and Harry looked over to it, seeing Steph walk out, who handed him a water bottle as she gave him a soft smile before walking back into the room. He continued to sway you both slightly, keeping one hand around you as he took a quick sip from the bottle.

“Baby, do you want some water?” you nodded, taking the bottle of him and drinking out of it.

Leah was still inside crying into Lia’s shoulder, most people had left the room now giving everyone a bit of space. “Do you want to go home? Is this about what just happened or this morning?”

“All of it. It’s stupid, I just feel like I’m losing her now too, and it’s dumb, she was never mine in the first place but-” Leah confessed, before getting cut off by Lia.

“It’s not stupid Le, we have a lot of things happening in our life, a lot of news, and not a lot of time to process it all, it’s hard, and I know you feel like you have to be strong for her, for me, for us but you don’t, it’s okay,” Lia tried to reassure her.

“I shouldn’t be upset, I mean you're the one going through it all, and here I am complaining about my life.” Leah hiccuped.

“Hey, I might be the only one going through it physically but mentally we are both going through it, and you have more on your mind then I do, I understand, you don’t have to apologise for being upset, no matter if I’m experiencing worse, we are a team forever and always no matter what happens, no matter whether we have an addition to our team or not.” Leah nodded before pulling away from her and standing up noticing you had come back inside.

She pulled you towards you and wrapped you in a much needed hug, you didn’t want to let go, and neither did she.

____________________________________________________________

2028 Olympic Games

As the final whistle blew your players immediately ran over to you and your staff, celebrating as a team.

Commentator One: And they’ve done it, the Matildas have won the Olympics for the second time in a row.

Commentator two: Y/N Williamson has led the Matildas to victory after a drought, a much needed piece of silverware for the team that was starting to lose the country's hope.

It was a risky decision for Football Australia to choose you as new head coach, even you knew it, especially as you would only be joining the team in person at camp three weeks before the Olympics started, due to circumstances, but you started work much earlier than that, much to everyone's disbelief. You were however quickly ushered away from your team for a post match interview, causing you to catch sight of your sister who has collapsed onto the floor in tears. Taking a mental note to go over and comfort her later.

“Do you want to go see your Auntie?” You said to the two small people who clutched onto your hands as you walked onto the pitch.

“We-ah,” “we see Weah,” they piped up at the mention of her and you let go of their hands, “go on then,” you watched as they ran over to her, smiles bright, not knowing the meaning of the moment that just happened, them being so happy just to see their Aunt.

“Alessia, hand the baby over,” you said to her as she held the newest addition to the Williamson family.

“Do you want to go say hi to your Mummy?” you asked the 3 month old as you placed her against your chest.

Leah’s face softened even more as she watched you approach her with her daughter, “you know, I’m never going to be able to thank you enough or repay you for this,” she said as you passed Lilly over to her, “but maybe you taking the gold away from me, means I don’t have to.”

“I told you, it’s nothing, honestly, you don’t have to repay me, buuut…..” you dragged on, she raised an eyebrow, “can you take the boys tonight, I have some celebrating to do,” you told her as she rolled her eyes.

“You literally carried our baby for us, I do owe you, and yes of course I’ll take the boys tonight, I need some quality time with them before they leave me for Australia,” she replied.

“It’s only two weeks, it's just a short camp, and it’s time we went on one of Daddy’s camps and meet all their uncles, but they honestly think they are meeting Kangaroos, they don’t quite understand that Wallabies is just the name of the team” she laughed at your comment before pulling you in for a hug. It sounds cliche but you knew in that moment your life had turned out perfect, it is nowhere near what you imagined but you honestly couldn’t have asked for anything better.

#woso fanfics #woso imagine #woso x reader #arsenal wfc x reader #awfc x reader #barcelona femeni #barca femeni #barca femeni x reader #matildas x reader #auswnt x reader #leah williamson x reader #lionesses x reader

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n7punk · 4 months

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Hey id like to be a real one and hear about your relationship with White Out

trying to figure out how to explain this XD okay well i've posted about it a lot over the years lol. that episode is. fucking insane. like oh my god. getting adora wasted and then locking her and scorpia together IN A CLOSET to talk about CATRA? NATE????? it's so good. can't believe dreamworks let this happen. season one they gave us princess prom and season two they gave us white out. also catra is suuuuuuuuch an asshole in that episode. like they went to the northern reach and the cold irritation froze her heart she's on some chaotic shit and i love it. looks like you're mine now adora. AJ went SO FUCKING HARD!!!! on that line. she held nothing back she said this bitch is Thirsty. also the way they had to keep catra and drunk!adora apart for most of the episode so adora didnt run her mouth in front of catra and fuck up the entire trajectory of the war. scorpia trying to ask catra out and catra straight up not noticing. there's literally nothing heterosexual about this episode. sea hawk and scorpia bonding across enemy lines because they both feel unappreciated and seeing that in each other. catra looking up at scorpia as she carries her in her arms. catra's brain visibly crashing and her ear twitching when adora yells her name on the bridge. catra snuggling with scorpia on the boat ride back. the fact that catra lost the fight because they caged her power (<- put her in shoes). episode of all time.

#Anonymous #ask #white out #also ive never written one but alternate version of white out fics my beloved <3

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casualaruanienjoyer · 2 months

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What sports do you see the AoT characters playing? I like to envision Jean as a swimmer or lacrosse player but that's about it

Hello! This is such a fun question, thank you for sending me this!!

What sports would these Aot characters play?

Jean: swimming. His body's perfect for it. Tall, muscular, long arms. He's very fast! But do not, and I repeat, DO NOT make him go on a vertical drop water slide. He will cry.

Armin: he's never been one for sports that involve a lot of... um... physical performance. But oh BOY this man can play golf. He's way too good at calculating trajectories and likes nerding over wind speeds and velocities. Plus, he gets to wear a neat hat.

Annie: Kickboxing. Her agility makes it easy for her to dodge her opponents who often underestimate her size. Plus, she gets to punch people all day long. Sweet!

Mikasa: Gymnastics. There's something about her body that's incredibly graceful. Her movements seem effortless. But she often loses her balance when Eren is around.

Eren: Surfing. Makes him feel free like a bird. Loves disconnecting from his daily life this way. Though, he's been rescued by lifeguards many times. He's not very good.

Pieck: Horse riding. And not just because she's the cart titan! She built an incredible relationship with her horse. Always carries sugar cubes in her pockets.

Connie: Football! His speed and wild card moves makes him incredibly unpredictable for the enemy team. His feet move so fast, no one can keep up.

Sasha: Archery, or course, for obvious reasons. Though she'd also be a great at darts because of her insane precision. As long as Connie doesn't walk in front of the boa- OH SHOOT!

Reiner: Weightlifting. This man is PURE MUSCLE. He can lift you, your mom and your entire sofa in one hand.

Yelena: Fencing. Elegant, refined. Just like her. Though part of her wishes she could actually stab her opponents. You know, just for a bit of harmless fun!

Historia: Rhythmic Gymnastics. Often trains with Mikasa, but while she's more up in the air, Historia's strenght lies in the gentle movements of her ribbons above ground.

Ymir: Skiing. It's fun, relaxing and she enjoys pulling off tricks from time to time. Likes bragging about them to Historia.

Hange: Handball. She has a great leap and throw and her eye for strategy gave her the nickname "the four eyed Demon".

Levi: Sailing, if it can be considered a sport. It's relaxing. Makes him feel content. Means that he can get away from people for as long as he wants to. Who's gonna follow him all the way her- IS THAT FLOCH??

Onyankopon: Canoeing. Why not enjoy some beautiful scenery while we're at it, no?

Falco: Badminton. Has a good eye for the shuttle and seems to be able to always land his hits. Can get easily distracted if playing against Gabi

Gabi: Shooting. BANG! Her aim is fantastic. But she really needs to work on her attitude. Oh no Connie don't walk ther- BANG!!...CONNIE!?

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alittledizzy · 6 months

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i liked your dnp stuff but the fact that you still feel comfortable posting dnf is actually insane. regardless of the details of the situation why would you even want to think about those men they're such creeps.

I'm happy to hear you liked my Dan and Phil stuff!

Unfortunately I think we're just going to disagree on the rest of your message. The fact that you think they're creeps indicates to me that you're being very truthful and you don't care to look into the details of anything, which we differ on. The details of the situation are actually very important to me, and not at all something I want to disregard.

Here's a fun detail: did you know the campaign against Dream, the root of all of this public opinion about him, started on Kiwi Farms? I'm not going to link it because it's a vile site, but if you've never heard of it you can google for verification. It's an alt right hotbed where the users orchestrate mass harassment and doxxing of anyone they don't like. This is not an insubstantial fan defense of Dream - like I said, you can literally google it. You can look at the thread on him, the over five hundred pages of it. You can see them planning how they'll take him down and spread the lies/rumors.

Can you guess why they might not like an openly queer, neurodivergent content creator in the gaming space? Their actual goal was to try and see if they could get him to kill himself. They set out to start enough rumors that would go mainstream and spread enough about him (doxxing him, his family, etc) and it worked, to an extent. He didn't kill himself, but they absolutely succeeded in making people who aren't familiar with him genuinely believe he is an awful person though none of the facts really stand up because his story is just like most other people's. He grew up in a conservative home and had some dodgy posts about politics from when he was fifteen. (Did you know Phil Lester did the same thing?) That's been warped into "Dream is a Trumper Republican." when he's absolutely not. He's not perfect, but he's literally just a human being who has had a growth trajectory that people want to ignore because it doesn't fit the "creepy" box they think he belongs in.

He was in an abusive relationship as a teenager (where he was abused) and he had some messy situationships with other people his age. Most people with a high school/teenage social experience also go through that. But Dream's actions at 17/18/19 are held on a pedestal compared to real life (not online) adult relationships instead of other messy teenagers. None of the allegations about him are true. They came from fans who couldn't provide any proof, and burner accounts. They were all dropped and recanted. But people don't want to hear him clear things up. They don't want to see that people admitted they were lying. It doesn't fit the narrative of creepy.

Anyway - like I said, I'm glad you liked my dnp stuff, and I wish you the best! But I'm just not someone who is going to distill people down into one specific category or drop anyone based on public opinion without looking at the facts myself and coming to my own conclusion.

#dreamwastaken #dt discourse

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hongtiddiez · 9 months

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last twilight ep 7 thoughts, feelings, etc

ALRIGHT i ran my errands, caught up on pit babe and playboyy to relax, and now i'm doing my speedwatch. i took some notes while watching the first time and they're a fucking MESS but hopefully they help me remember everything i want to comment on because without fail i always forget something.

you'll all be glad to know this week's meta bullshit from me is far, far less romantic and wistful than last weeks. you've all been spared by my adhd brain not being able to piece together a single poetic thought.

i kind of knew from this moment the trajectory the episode would take. Day is clearly nervous but not defensive - this isn't out of the realm of something Mhok would do for him but with recent context it probably feels fairly intimate. i think this was a really good indicator of what we're in for.

there's a collection of sunflowers in Day's room, tucked away in the corner, not unlike Mhok tucking away his feelings for Day's comfort. the poor things are shrouded in shadow, away from the light. the pain is unending and forever.

Day's flashback to the kiss has me curious. his eyes are closed so he's not even thinking back to seeing what he can of Mhok up close. as he reminisces about this kiss is he simply remembering the sensation of Mhok's lips on his own? how his hands curled into Mhok's jacket? and i'm sure we've all seen the post but - was he thinking of the way Mhok tasted like cigarettes? this isn't to romanticize his disability, i'm just genuinely wondering what exactly he's drawing on here in this moment, because it's clearly something significant to him.

Porjai just keeps getting prettier every episode and it's making me insane. i just think i should be allowed to take care of her.

"I'm jealous of Day's ability to make you smile."

this makes me think Mhok's smiles have been few and far between, and maybe Porjai has been looking to bring out that smile for a long time. does she ever worry that maybe someday Mhok could end up like Rung? does she worry about finding him too?

oh i so very badly want the context for this, i want to know everything. but also, it's really not that surprising. not when we've seen the things Mhok has done for Day. Mhok lives his life in extremes; anger, kindness, protectiveness, his work, etc. everything Mhok does he puts his whole self into it and it's nice to see his love is no different, because why would it be?

i'm once again in awe of what P'Aof has done with Mhok and Porjai, though. they live together so easily and naturally. there's nothing strange or awkward about it, just two people surviving life together. it's such a breath of fresh air.

Day just cannot catch a break when it comes to August. this has to hurt so fucking badly, the pity has to feel amplified by 1000. not only was August trying to force himself to like Day back because he's blind, but also because he was thinking of leaving. Day is a stronger man than me because i would be frothing at the mouth pissed.

but once again, Mhok doesn't let Day stew in his fish tank. he encourages him to go out and resolve his feelings, even if that means screaming at August and letting out all his hurt and frustration. he's seen what happens when Day lets his hurt fester and he won't let it happen again, not while he's around.

"He's a lot stronger than I thought. It's me who's so weak that I let him down."

as much as August pisses me off, i do think this is him realizing his pity was misplaced, and he failed Day in that way, so he gets some redemption points here. (still think he's a stinky bastard man tho)

the immediate distance Mhok puts between himself and the group never fails to hurt my heart. i get it, he's there for a job, but their relationship has progressed past that - now even moreso, and i cant help but wonder if this is his attempt at keeping a distance, curbing his expectations, reminding himself that while his role is to be by Day's side it's only in a professional capacity.

i love that Gee acknowledges him with a little head nod, occasionally looks in Mhok's direction as if to include him, she's just - ugh - i love all the women in this show so fucking much. i just wish someone would invite Mhok over sometime, encourage him to join the conversation (like they did back at the party.)

sometimes Mhok really is the embodiment of a shadow - both of Day and of his former self (for good or bad.)

(he looks so fucking sexy leaning like that with his shirt tucked into his pants tho, whew.)

Gee also becomes one of my favorite people for asking Day to take the photo of all of them. she just gets it, she includes him, she doesn't act like he can't do things, she even insists he can, she's just !!! the women of all time in this show i swear!!! I LOVE WOMEN!!!!

also the "you don't drink coffee, girl spill the tea" from Gee is just so good. she knows a diversion tactic when she sees one.

i want this expression framed, she's so cute, HELP.

i wish i had the time and energy today to make gifs for this week but ugh. the journey Mhok's face went on here to end up at quiet resignation. because he did figure. someone like Day? with someone like him? because we know Mhok's opinion of himself isn't great, largely influenced by his incarceration and reintegration into society, i'm sure, along with his guilt. but there had been that little bud of hope, a little sunflower seed that had bloomed just a little too far, reached for the sun a little too much. it must feel like a weed in his chest.

the way Day says 'here' so softly, with so much vulnerability made me feel like screaming. he doesn't know what his feelings are for Mhok yet (you can't tell me he doesn't feel anything) but he knows he doesn't want to lose Mhok and the sudden idea of it is terrifying. Mhok is the only person that really understands him, one of the only people he's comfortable around anymore, and he can't lose that. he doesn't want to go back to the dirty fish tank.

i also think this was an indicator to Mhok that maybe Day doesn't know how he feels, and maybe he can get away with flirting in tiny, subtle ways because from here on his secret flirting game is in full effect and it's so fucking cute. he's careful not to completely push past Day boundaries, but to test them in gentle ways.

THE SHOES MY BELOVEDS. we all know what i feel about these shoes after last week and i'm so glad to see all of my stupid babbling confirmed here. i love that Mhok constantly mends things instead of throwing them away. the sentimentality of items means something to Mhok and we love him for that.

we also got a proper 'sweet dreams' this episode, finally!! thank you subbers!

so many shots of feet this ep tho and lemme tell you as someone that HATES feet, this was rough.

oh you are so smitten. Day realizing Mhok is warm, warm in his own way, warm in such a gentle and understated way. UGH. you would've thought he knew after everything they've been through but sometimes people need a reminder and maybe something to drive them to pay closer attention. our boy is BESOTTED. kicking his feet and giggling. i think this is the happiest we've ever seen him.

so here's where i'm probably going to wax poetic the most. Mhok is finally opening up to Day in such an incredible way. he brings Day to his home with no fear of pity or judgement. he brings him into this sanctuary created by him, his sister, and Porjai and he cooks for him and cares for him and in letting him in Day sees even more how impossibly warm Mhok is.

what's even greater is there isn't a single moment where Day is jealous or questions Porjai being there. Mhok has told him she's expecting and he's never weird about it, just kind and understanding and it's all so normalized, it's fucking beautiful. Day even takes the time to encourage Porjai, to share about his mom, and about the strength it takes to be a single mom. P'Aof i adore you.

Mhok has planted jasmine simply because he knows Day likes it, and maybe now he likes it too. and he brings Last Twilight home to practice reading (i'd always wondered how he managed to read without stumbling over himself lmao) and he's done it so much that now Porjai wants to name their child Mee, wants to create this connection to Day forever.

and once prompted, once Day knows enough to ask, Mhok opens up about Rung, talks about her more. Day comments on the warmth of the house, something started by Rung and cultivated by Mhok. it would be so easy for the house to feel cold and clinical, especially knowing what happened here, but Mhok has kept it a home - warm, inviting, comforting - all the things Mhok has been to Day.

the noises took me by fuckin' surprise tho, i genuinely looked around my house like who the fuck is making all that noise and then i was like OH THOSE ARE-- OKAY--

and I know people are like haha P'Aof has a scent kink but like. idk. maybe it's just me but scents are something i'm drawn to. i remember the way someone smelled more than i remember their face. i recently took a shirt out of my closet and immediately started crying. it smelled like face powder and perfume. it smelled like my grandma. the leather jacket pushed to the side smells like cigarettes and horses, like my dad always did.

scent is such an ingrained memory, something that is so hard for our brains to let go of. every time i get a familiar smell it knocks me on my ass, and i'm so glad to see some of this represented in these shows.

this absolutely warmed my heart. whatever is going on with Night and Day is clearly more on Day's side than anything else. Night clearly loves his brother and i'm just fucking DYING to know what is going on that is causing Day to drive a wedge between them. sure, Night hasn't been perfect, but there's love there and that counts for so much.

and what exactly are you doing here??? this is a charity run for blindness - does he know someone that is blind other than Day? did meeting Day inspire him to participate? has he spent time talking to Mhok about Day and maybe the difficulties of his blindness? i am filled with questions but i love this character so much, he's just so kind.

Day's hesitation to cross the finish line was also something i found so interesting. it felt long, possibly too drawn out, but Day needed to think, needed time to understand that if he crosses that finish line, if he accepts Mhok's request to be his boyfriend, their lives will never go back to how they were. things between them will change forever, whether the relationship is a success or otherwise. it's an incredibly mature thing of Day to do, even if it felt a little lengthy for us, the audience.

i strongly believe that in addition to Mhok Porjai is going to be a big driving force in Night and Day's reconciliation. i would love to see Porjai gain Night's side of the story, Mhok gain Day's side of the story, and the two of them working together to see how they can reunite these brothers.

also if i had a nickle for every time P'Aof paired Mark with a pregnant woman in his shows i'd have two nickles, which isn't a lot but it's interesting it has happened twice.

while i, like everyone else, hope the mock proposal is a parallel we get to see later i want to focus more on this moment.

i forget who said it, it's long gone to the depths of my dash by now, but someone commented that disabilities do not stop for love, and fuck is that so true. i love Mhok's concern, his immediate reaction to soothe, and the way he seems to feel Day's fear as his own. and poor Day, he can't even enjoy this moment of bliss with Mhok because of course, of course something like this had to happen. it's so fucking real in the way Last Twilight has been this entire time.

the constant excellent representation of disabled living has been incredible to see, i've seen so much of myself in this show (even though my disability is so very different) and it's been like a warm blanket put over very single comment: you're too young to be disabled, you aren't THAT disabled, you're being dramatic, etc.

from the bottom of my heart, thank you P'Aof and team.

tag loves: @benkaaoi @callipigio @infinitelyprecious (as always tell me if you want to be added {for LT only or all meta} or removed!)

#bunn meta #last twilight #last twilight the series #mhokday #morkday #userjamiec #im soooo fuckin sleepy after making this but i still have to work #someone come make me tea and gimme a little kith

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tevanbuckley · 4 months

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Hi! Heading into season 8 with buck and tommy, do you think it’s about time they cement a relationship for buck as a long term or endgame potential? My impression is that Tim doesn’t like to have certain things set and stone to leave potential for whatever it is he wants to explore but going into the 8thseason, with no idea on how much longer the show will go on for before being cancelled or before a main(s) decide to leave, I would say it’s time to commit to a relationship for buck and they’ve built a good foundation with him and tommy.

also because I can’t imagine another season of the same, relationship -> breakup -> single -> relationship and so on. Buck’s love life being secure in the sense that he’s no longer searching for love also gives potential for newer, fresher storylines to be explored. I just don’t know if a part of Tim is holding out hope that buddie will get greenlit at some point so he’ll continue this single/relationship/breakup trajectory with buck and eddie until that can happen or if he’s ready to move on and let them both find happiness. But if it is the former, to me that would really hurt the characters development and growth and would make even canon buddie feel just bland in a way because they just did it because “they could” now.

my desire is that Tim commits to this relationship and continues to develop it in a way that by 8b affirms them as endgame, I think it would be a mistake not to and let the development fizzle out.

the paradox of tv is that “this couple is for all intents and purposes endgame” and “anything could happen so there is no real endgame” have to awkwardly co-exist. bc nobody would balk at the idea of calling madney or bathena ‘endgame’ yet irl considerations could interfere. or what if tracie gets offered a series regular gig somewhere down the line?

But, this isn’t grey’s, once they have something that works they seem to want stick with it. Even when they had to write JLH out for her maternity leave they did it in a way that made it pretty easy for madney to reconcile.

I think when tim says he “doesn’t have a plan” what he really means is he doesn’t want to write himself into a corner (imo this is what happened in s6 with the couch metaphor but that’s a whole other post). despite being chaotic, writing as they go, does reduce the risk of random loose ends they can’t tie up because a sl got killed half way through cooking.

Having buck in a LTR gives them space to explore new things with buck (bisexuality or not) so now that they’ve found something that does work, that’s had positive audience and critical reception, I think they’d be insane to throw that away.

Also, idk how much I buy into the idea that tim’s secretly a buddie shipper and the only reason he’s not doing it is bc tptb said no. I think he agrees it’s a plausible interpretation of buck and eddie’s relationship, that doesn’t mean it was intentional, that he has any interest in doing it, or that he thinks it would work well as a story within the confines of a network procedural.

I’ve seen others question the longevity the show has at this point but idk, the only character I see stagnating a bit is unfortunately eddie (but I’ll hold off until s8 for a final judgement). And on a practical level, abc has just poured a shit ton of money and marketing into the show, so assuming the ratings don’t tank in s8 I’m optimistic we’ll get a s9. Yes it’s expensive to make, but more than it needs to be tbh. Like there were cheaper ways to have that cruise ship sink, they did not need to write a prohibitively expensive hijacking into it.

really the tldr; is that we don’t know what the future holds but I think there’s every reason to be optimistic the shows heading in a positive direction.

#911 abc #911 spoilers #bucktommy #evan buckley #tommy kinard #911 spec #911 discourse #anti buddie #antibuddie #dia answers stuff

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charmac · 3 months

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i rarely see criticism of s7, so i appreciate you vocalizing what my main issue with it has also always been. every time i do a full rewatch of the series, s7 always feels like a detour from the show’s canon, and i tend to want to speed through it every time. there are select episodes that i appreciate and that i consider successful attempts in what their objective seemed to be for that season (to experiment with amusing stories/concepts and find a way to fit the main characters into it), but overall, it’s always been a bottom 5 season of my despite its near-universal acclaim.

mac’s characterization particularly suffered, and while i understand why people are intrigued by a certain novelty with the iteration of “fat mac”, he is quite a flat, underutilized character in s7. his organic character progression is suspended (as you’ve already stated) and i perceive s7 mac as a standalone character in some capacity. mac’s characterization has evolved and varied more than any other member of the gang throughout the years, but it always feels like a steady, harmonious trajectory while watching until the schism s7 causes between s6 and 8 mac.

(it’s also evident that madbu was central to the formation of mac as a gay character; both wrt to his relationship with dennis and his established intrigue with men’s bodies. and the show/mac’s arc makes it patently obvious, even without the 2009 dvd commentary, that rcg had an awareness of that (which makes it even more bizarre that 2023 rob said mac is ‘very straight’ in that episode lol)).

Honestly I’m not sure I have much more to add on here, you said it all really perfectly, that’s exactly how I feel. Season 7 felt like a detour and, while it does have some really really strong standalone episodes, it’s this weird blip on the character “development” timeline for me.

I’m not surprised a lot of casual fans love S7 for this reason—Mac’s characterisation being warped around his physical appearance is objectively very funny and makes his plots really fun. If you don’t care about the working narrative of Sunny it’s no big deal, but it’s always interesting when I see stans say S7 is their favourite (Mac) season (though at the same time, I’ve kinda noticed that when a lot of people say that it’s due to the fact that they are horny for fat Mac, physically, and they’re not really talking about the quality and cohesiveness of that season as a part of Sunny). There are *great* episodes of S7, but the huge misses (talking the characterisation in Storm of the Century and Anti-Social Network especially) push the season down low on my ranking for that reason.

(Though my rankings and standards being based on narrative and consistent characterisation are really anal, maybe, for a “sitcom”.. lol)

And yes on Rob thinking Mac was “very straight” in that episode, lmfao…I think he was speaking more in terms of his acting: he wasn’t “playing it gay” with the dialogue, but it’s insanely funny when Charlie chimes in like ‘Well, actually if you use a smidge of literary analysis here, you’ll notice you’re very in love with Dennis despite the ‘big boobs draw men into trap’ joke’

Get him… get him again for me, Charlie

#ask #iasip #idk what to tag this so it’s going main tag ig #it’s not rlly analysis just discussion so wtvr #interested in other ppls thoughts here for sure #casting a wide net #sunny 7

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podfeels · 3 months

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Podfeels Season 1 Retrospective

4/13/2024 marked the two year anniversary of Podfeels’ first airing, and in August, we will celebrate the three year anniversary of its inception as a project. It feels so strange, looking back on it all. To me, it feels simultaneously like its always been in my life, and also like it just started yesterday.

I’ve spent nearly three years now spearheading this project, and we’ve expanded from a team of ten to a team of thirty in that time, and have put out roughly four hours of highly produced, full cast, full sound effect audio drama.

That may not sound like much, but for a team composed almost exclusively of first timers at its inception, and with two big hiatuses out of everyone’s control, I’m pretty damn proud.

With Season 1 ending back in January, us currently in the exact two month midpoint between anniversaries, and Season 2 being worked on behind the scenes, I thought now would be a good time to release a bit of a retrospective on our first season. Talk about the process, what went wrong, what went right, and also release our assets for the public.

I’m splitting this into three sections so you can skip around based on what you give a shit about.

Looking 8ack

Reminiscence about how I got into godfeels through a series of insane coincidences that make my heart feel warm.

2. Adapt8ion

Discussing the process of adapting the work into our medium.

3. Portr8s, 8ackgrounds, and Sound8ites

A release of Season 1’s art and sound assets for your perusal outside of the videos, use as desktop wallpapers, or what have you.

Looking 8ack

In March 2020, I got covid for the first time. My workplace had no protections for it yet, so I lost my job. And while bedridden with covid, subsisting off a diet of lukewarm broth, saltines, and nyquil, I set my youtube Watch Later (ok, thats a lie, it was my Likes, which i used ((still use)) as a watch later instead of using the actual watch later function, BUT-) playlist to shuffle. And in this fugue state, I stumbled on the video that would completely change the trajectory of my life.

“What I Learned Writing 50,000 Words of Homestuck Fanfiction”, by Sarah Zedig. I vaguely remembered her from some video about the McElroys and from Hbomberguy’s stream, and I had put off watching this because at the time of its release, I hadn’t yet finished Homestuck. So I shuffled it away for later, and it found its way back into my lap at the perfect time. Having now finished the comic, read the Epilogues, actively reading Homestuck ^2: Beyond Canon, and five months in to my first ever real creative outlet in my semi-abandoned video essay channel, I was interested to hear what this goat had to say.

In the video Sarah went into detail about a ton of wider context about the Homestuck Renaissance that I was fully unaware of, and made a very strong case for her own postcanon work, godfeels. Her passion bled through and I figured, sure, why not, I’ve got nothing better going on, I’ll read the story of Spiderjeggings’ No Good Very Bad Transition. Why not!

55,660 words later, crying alone in bed, I was now a girl. Reading the scene of June making her list of wants the morning after Terezi’s return, I said out loud to myself, hoarse as can be, “I can’t put it off any longer.”

After reading to current I ended up joining the godfeels fanserver, and from getting settled in these circles I’ve met so many people I wouldn’t have otherwise, and come into myself in ways I can’t begin to fully quantify. I went from one relationship to fourteen to now a stable four, the other person in my head shook back loose after a decade of suppression by me (sorry again, Aegis), I’ve become more cultured, I’ve gained more friends, I’ve gained more hobbies, and most relevant of all… I’ve gained Podfeels.

Podfeels proper actually started in a really funny and impromptu way. In Sarah’s video she mentions wanting to start a podfic adaptation of it, but with that being two years past with no more word, a conversation about it cropped up in the server, and it was revealed that it had been canceled for various reasons. Everyone immediately understood why that had to happen. It was an insane amount of work, especially now that Godfeels was entering the territory of a space opera. But the demand was there among all of us, and after almost a dozen loops of us all going “drat, would be cool. I wish someone would take the helm on that!”, I just went ALRIGHT I GET IT and opened up casting. Podfeels was actually originally a joke name made by someone in the server before I even entered the conversation, but we used it for so long during development that by the time we came to release day it just felt wrong to call the project anything else. The name just stuck.

After a few hours of people daydreaming about it happening, and me encouraging other people to take the helm, I finally gave in and opened up casting. Now, it’s important to understand, I had never directed ANYTHING like this before in my life. I made a really terrible sketch in high school theater class and that’s about it. I’ve always been a bit of a natural leader but never anything with the kind of scale this would require, and it showed. I crowdfunded almost all ideas for what to do and how to handle it, and my best idea for how to do auditions was “just send in a few lines of you doing whatever character you want”. And my language was… insufferably fawning. I was hedging my bets at every opportunity. Every development in the project was “tentative”, I was the “director” until someone else took charge, etc. Looking back its actually kind of adorable?

Look at that sweetheart. She’s so scared. She has no idea the beautiful changes she is in for.

The casting process was an unmitigated DISASTER. Nobody there knew how to audition, and I didn’t know how to wrangle. We were an unstructured gaggle of doofasses stumbling into each other. And due to the limited pool, I was stretched kind of thin on where to put people. Obviously I stand by all our decisions and love our cast, but because I was pulling entirely from the fanserver, options were very limited. I wanted to get everyone who wanted one into a role, but having to do the math of “this person is 40% good at Character A and 60% good at Character B, but this OTHER person is 80% good at Character B and the closest runner up for Character A is only 35% good” was agonizing.

We ended up deciding to make a few demos first, to test our chops as actors and mine as editor. We had four planned. But after we fully produced our first two demos and had recorded the third… I decided we should immediately start chronological production.

Why did I make this decision, you ask? Well. We had a few months until 4/13/2022. If we immediately all went overdrive, me especially, we had the chance to get our first episode out on the 13th 4/13 anniversary of Homestuck, and like HELL was I about to let us pass that up.

This was the right call, I think, but it did bring us into a BUNCH of complications. First off, it meant we never really tested our violence and drama chops on the houseraid. Second, if I had waited, we would have been able to dodge our first big hiatus, where I put us on pause for a couple months while we waited to see if our Terezi wanted to leave after she floated the idea, which she ended up doing. If we had stayed in prepro, we would have skipped a huge hiatus and not replaced a key character between episode one and two. It also meant that we didn’t fully solidify an editing pipeline, and I was handling practically all editing until around episode 3. Additional prepro time would have helped us iron that out, as well, rather than me breaking myself on the first couple episodes before bringing in help out of desperation. This rush ALSO led to us having to release episode 1’s video around a week after the audio’s release, and with a fucked up background because I was crunching so hard I didn’t notice I’d accidentally completely butchered John’s bedroom somehow! I think I somehow content aware filled the wall? Fucked if I know why!

This is an abridged version because I want to get us to the meat of the matter today and I feel a lot of the longer story is best saved for a video I plan on making down the line, when we’ve reached 50 hours of runtime. For now, let’s move on.

Adapt8ion

A few folks have asked for indepth adaptation notes for what we change in an episode and why. As a general rule, we make changes with three primary motivations. First, adjusting text-based ideas to sound-based. Godfeels plays with its medium in countless compelling ways that, when shifted to a different medium, are either clunky or incomprehensible. So our first job is to translate those into sound. Second, turning narration into sound effects. We don’t need to discuss sounds in the scene, or a character’s tone, when we can just hear it all ourselves now. This then expands into further issues, however, as some things DO need to stay as narration. There’s a lot of pathos in the narration, and often there’s details that can’t be conveyed through audio alone. But by removing just the audio cues, we are left with very clunky phrasing that does our source material no justice. So we have to rephrase entire sections to give them the same resonance, meaning, and clarity while also getting rid of all the things that are now extraneous in our medium. The third main type of edit is bringing it more in line with what comes later. Godfeels has been running a long time and has become a very different beast from where it began. I love this about it, but some ideas have ended up with insufficient preparation, and some thematic resonances are easy to see looking back but may be partially unintentional. We can take advantage of hindsight and bring certain things more in line with the work’s modern philosophies, such as putting an additional focus on the citizens of Earth C, introducing X as its own entity, playing with Dirk more as a villain, and introducing the question of “what happens to the leftover Junes in a retcon?”, all during Episode 6.

I’ll be releasing a few other posts soon with detailed adaptation notes for every episode in the coming days, but I’ll leave it here for now and bring us to our final section-

Portr8s, 8ackgrounds, and Sound8ites

While the idea for video versions was a relatively late addition to our process, I’m very proud of the work everyone has put into making them what they are. Our art team and video editor do wonders. First up, we’ve got the talkpogs.

The talkpogs were my own invention, but I can hardly claim they’re an original idea. I’m sure something almost identical has been done before. What directly inspired me, though, was the old Polygon podcasts, where they’d have the hosts faces made out of polygons, with one loose and separated, synced to that host’s audio track. It was the first time I’d seen something like that and I knew I wanted something similar to indicate who was talking. From there it all fell into place pretty easily. The outer ring and the waveform is the character’s text color, and the background is their name color. If those two are the same (as they usually are), I apply a slight darkening to the background just for differentiation. The sprites, though, were all the art team. Unfortunately we didn’t have a base early on, so different artists drew to different scales.

For the art style I told the artists to try to strike a middleground between Homestuck classic and girlpillz’s style which had just been shown in GF3.1.8.E, where godfeels got its first spritework. Otherwise, designs were largely up to the artists but we had conversations about them as a project. Overall I’m very satisfied with the work everyone turned in.

Backgrounds were a more complicated beast, but paradoxically also have less to talk about. We started out with one background per episode, which was pretty doable, but with the season 1 finale, and our expanded art team, we opted to expand out into a background per setting. The first two are just Pesterquest backgrounds I edited by hand, but after that we started having custom art. That was largely due to restraints lifting as the team grew, but it also turned out pretty good thematically, as the first episode with custom art was Episode 3, where June’s egg cracks. We left official art behind as June left the officially plotted course. I think it’s resonant.

Now we come to our latest introduction. KEY ART. We started doing this in Episode 6 and it’s so sick. Don’t expect these inclusions to be TOO common, but… we have some cool things in store here, and I think you’ll all be really excited to see ‘em. For now, here’s our first and so far only public piece of key art, Dirk menacing June against the tree. The final piece of art of Season 1, and the final piece of art of Season 1’s retrospective. It only seems fair.

Which now brings us to my own inclusion: sound assets. I’m very proud of the work I’ve put in to giving each character and concept their own unique aural profile. From the magical girl burning radiation of Jade’s magic, to the shattering static of June’s retcon, to threading the needle of Hammer, Sword, Plastic Toy, Dice, And Doomsday Device in June’s vrillyhoo.

That’s all for today. In the coming week or so I’ll put together a few more posts, going over each episode in more detail, from point by point script edit notes, to specific art discussions. I also plan to bring in a few people who have been around since day one to talk about our experience setting up the project.

But for now, look forward to seeing more from us soon. Both in the upcoming devposts, and in Season 2. We've been on a hiatus to get our preproduction pipeline settled, and because we wanted to get a few episodes prepped so we can try to maintain a monthly schedule. But we're getting to the end of this phase now, and will be announcing Episode 7's release date very soon.

Until next time! :::;)

#podfeels #godfeels #homestuck #audio fiction #podcast #dev posting #mod dare

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peachjagiya · 3 months

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Thanks to @sweeteyestell for the 2019 Winter Package background and 2019 timeline. There’s an old Taekook blog here on Tumblr that shares some interesting theories about 2018-2019 being pivotal in the trajectory of TK’s relationship.

In a nutshell, their theory was TK considered leaving BTS in 2018….long story short, JK chose to stay with BTS causing a rift with Taehyung. Not a break-up-more of a putting the group before the relationship. They posit that JK was convinced by other members to stay (who had their own interests) and that JK unwittingly sold out TH.

JK spends 2019 and beyond trying to build back that trust. This seems like a rather dramatic and extreme point of view, but this person really picked apart TK’s actions in great detail….and for the record, I’m not sure I see it.

In any event, 2019 seems complicated with Taehyung taking his healing trip with Wooga, JK getting his tattoos, etc.

I used to think that TK’s relationship was a pretty uncomplicated love story, but I imagine the reality is much more complicated.

Thanks Blue!

The nature of their relationship generally suggests complexity in a conservative country, let alone in a band, let alone in the biggest band in the world. So yeah I agree, I find it near impossible that it's been an easy ride.

I also tend to agree with you: I don't know if I buy this happening exactly this way. Yoongi's texts are the main reason why I think they were more of a united front. United but intensely pressurised.

That said, I think it's compelling and doesn't feel insanely off the mark.

High speculation from me, apologies if it's not your vibe: maybe the disagreement is not so much about leaving the band but about the way they'd have to behave upon staying. We are pretty agreed there's a level of separation, an insistence they stay away from each other, an awkward live, a heavily manipulated conversation in ITS. It's kind of humiliating, no? So maybe it's as simple as arguments were more common as they absolutely would be and there was an intense period of adjustment.

Whatever happened, it's so incredibly human and shows a great deal of maturing of their relationship has happened.

💜

#taekook #my asks

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thestrangestthlng · 1 year

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Public Figures Owe You Nothing

Same thing, different fandom. Now, my first soiree into internet fandom was Glee nearly fifteen years ago. Given insane popularity of the show and one of their two main couples, Klaine, and Darren Criss being a straight man, I am no stranger to the "only gay (out) queer actors should play queer roles" argument.

I don't necessarily disagree completely. Queer actors should be highlighted in queer roles. But guess what, the film industry is shit.

Not everyone is out, can afford to be out, is ready to come out publicly, or cares to have anyone in their business. There is a huge number of fans who are way too invested in the parasocial relationships with their "favs" and cross lines.

It's a tale as old as time. Darren Criss' now wife, Mia (Swier), was mercilessly harassed online and honestly in person. I distinctly remember people MAILING her things. There was an incredible amount of hate directed towards her because SHE wasn't a HE and a group of fans were hellbent that he and Chris Colfer were secretly in a relationship, even though both were happily in their own relationships. (Both of them are actually still IN those relationships and I love that for them.)

Someone gave Dannell Ackles (wife of Jensen Ackles) a gift at an event. When she reached it she was cut by a bunch of rusty hooks in a fucking voodoo doll.

One of the NSYNC members (I can't remember if it were Chris or Joey) ended up being broken up with by their partner at the time because of the amount of hate they were getting.

This came up because someone said on instagram that they "will not be watching [RWRB]" because [Taylor and Nicholas] "are not out" and "they are gay for pay". So, me being me, says to them that the actors owe you nothing. Their sexuality/gender identity is no one's concern but their own.

Also, it was really disgusting what alot of Heartstopper did to Kit. He's just a baby and they strong armed him to coming out before he was ready and made him feel like he had to justify it. Cruel irony being that it's the exact opposite of the point of the books, and exact opposite of his character. I'll never forgive them for what they did to my son.

I went on to tell them that Hollywood is shit. It's homophobic, racist, sexist, xenophobic, transphobic, everything phobic. They like beautiful and handsome, classically beautiful, white, straight actors that fit into their perfect mold. As soon as actors come out they get type cast, lose rolls (because how could a homosexual portray intimacy with a woman? It's not like they are actors or anything). I, of course, got blocked because they didn't agree with me and that's fine.

Did you know that many actors in the union don't even make the $26,000 a year that is required to qualify for health insurance? Most actors are working class. Yes, many acquire a net worth, but it's honestly one huge disaster from losing what they have. The median salary for actors in the US is about 60K a year. So why would a working class actor or even a upper middle class actor, want to potentially dismantle their career trajectory by telling something that is really no one's concern anyway?

Not everyone wants to be stuck in a Ryan Murphy rotation. Maybe once we get more queer film and show makers and Hollywood execs start to fuck off we'll get more. I'm 99% sure that RWRB is the ONLY gay romcom without underlying trauma porn. The only other one that comes close is a Christmas movie.

Actors are still human and deserve privacy. They owe fans nothing. Their partners deserve privacy. If they are queer good for them. If they are not, good for them. But fans don't get to dictate who comes out and when. So yes, we want more queer actors in queer roles, but we don't get to decide if the ones who are not open get to have these roles. Sometimes it is who is best for the role.

As far as RWRB: Neither Taylor nor Nicholas have ever made any public statements on their sexuality and are both private people when it comes to their relationships. It's really goofy that people think it's an appropriate question to ASK them personally. Interview or not.

All that matters to me is that they killed that online and the characters they acted were madly in love with each other.

Moral of the story: they can want someone and love some one and not want that life for them. Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka were together for three years before they came out and that's when NPH came out - at 34 on his terms, as it should be. Some people really missed the message of the book; that queer people deserve to come out when and how THEY want to.

/Ted Talk

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genderqueerdykes · 8 months

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I am iafab and want to go on T to change my voice (I know the other side effects but I'm just insanely uncomfortable with my voice so I don't care atp.)

But I also like to use the transfem label, is it in bad faith to use transfem while being iafab and wanting to go on T?

hello there! nope, that's not in bad faith, it doesn't matter what hormones you take. being on T does not equal transmasc for every person, and being on E does not equal transfem for every person. intersex people exist in an interesting niche where we have to do what we have to in order to look, feel and sound like ourselves, and often times that trajectory does not match a perisex transgender transition.

i use the transfeminine label, as well, because i've had to transition into femininity & womanhood due to being assigned male at birth at first, and having become very physically "masculine" in high school. i adopted a transfeminine identity very early on without realizing it- when i first started testosterone, i had three goals. my first and second were to become the man and the masc genderqueer person i wanted to be, and the third was to feel more comfortable presenting femininely and having feminine terms applied to me.

as i've gotten more comfortable in my transition, i've come to realize that i am still a woman and that part of me never left, but i've had to fight tooth and nail for it. and for me, my "masculine" body is very much a part of my womanhood. i view my body as a man's body, a woman's body and a person's body.

long story short, i don't think that's in bad faith. intersex people have an extremely complicated relationship with gender, and if that's who you feel you are, that's who you are. it doesn't matter what hormones you take, intersex people will always blur the lines between binary identities. you don't have to think of yourself like a perisex person

hope that helps! take care, good luck in your journey, i hope you see the effects from testosterone that you would like! i get it, i hated my voice too, it was absolutely killing me

#asks #answers #testosterone hrt #intersex #testosterone #hrt #transfem #transfemme #transfeminine #intersex transfem

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maygrcnt · 5 months

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probs unpopular opinion incoming but I was kinda disappointed in this episode. eddie’s arc was just strange in some ways. I get the catholic guilt thing I just don’t know if I like how they did it. eddie also just feels odd. and this may be the greater unpopular opinion, but I’m not a fan of where they took buck’s sexuality arc this episode. it was partly the pacing and partly the way it was written but idk, I was expecting a slightly different trajectory. for example, the scene with buck and maddie had good moments but I just thought it’d be more focusing on the coming out of it all? and I’m definitely not saying they needed to make it a big deal but yeah idk all the different parts just didn’t feel well connected for me

no agreed, i get that we’re on a new network and we can do the sexy stuff now but the character we choose to that with being eddie,,,, it just makes me insane. episode four they gave him a random ass car episode five we’re pretending like his relationship has had apparently WAY more development than it actually has. it just feels like they had to sacrifice someone’s storyline to make everything fit and it was clearly eddie. which is fine but don’t pretend like the storyline is there and only give us half of it???

i actually am obsessed with the buck maddie coming out scene tho it’s lowkey perfect to me perfectly level of silly and sincere for them. i can’t speak on the rest of the sexuality arc tho because i was watching from ten feet away facing away from my computer trying not to have an anxious meltdown

#911 abc #eddie diaz

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thatswhatsushesaid · 10 months

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i wish there was a way to avoid seeing romantic 3zun art/fic in the tags without also filtering out any and all discussion of non-romantic 3zun dynamics. and it's not just because i don't ship it.

like, i am extremely here for the hot mess that is the dissolution of the sworn brotherhood! i have lost hours of sleep turning the incompatibility of nmj and jgy's worldviews over and over in my head like a grim thought-pancake! i am bewitched by the narrative spectre of nmj and lxc's friendship-that-once-was, which casts a long and complex shadow over lxc's inability (or refusal) to recognize the real and present danger that nmj was to jgy's life, up until it was too late for him to meaningfully intervene. and i am of course never going to shut up about the relationship between jgy and lxc, which was something that managed to grow and thrive and bring them both real strength and joy, against all odds. like these two men would not have been friends, and would never have become friends, let alone each other's closest confidantes, had the war not thrown them into each other's paths outside the normal strictures of cultivation world society. i'm still insane about precious that emotional intimacy remains between them, however one chooses to interpret that relationship, because for the two of them, there really is nothing comparable to it in the rest of the book. love that shit.

fanon 3zun as a dysfunctional polycule is a thing that floats many a shipper's boat, which is fine, whatever works for you etc., but it is frustrating trying to sift the fanon out of the search results when there is no canon non-romantic 3zun tag. because canon 3zun isn't a polycule, just like the individual ships that can be derived from it aren't canon either. canon 3zun is unbalanced and volatile and unfair to each different member of the sworn brotherhood for different reasons. canon 3zun is not three different men with three different-but-equal levels of romantic investment in each other. lxc is biased in jgy's favour and chooses his company and perspective over nmj's. yet lxc is nmj's only real friend, and the only person who seems capable of extracting reason or compassion from him, other than nhs. and while nmj was the first person to recognize meng yao's worth and promote him to a position of authority during the sunshot campaign, whatever respect and admiration they once held for each other was irreparably damaged by 1) what happened at nightless city, and 2) the jinlintai steps confrontation.

maybe i can just draw this hold on--

okay i tried drawing two separate diagrams to help illustrate my thought process here, and i think?? this one gets at the heart of my thoughts better, even if it isn't perfect. here's the key to unlocking the above quagmire of colours and lines and my chicken scratch:

green = nmj; gold = jgy; blue = lxc (simple enough)

type of relationship (solid line = friendship; dotted line = ??? professional?)

gradients = an attempt at visualizing the level of investment each party has in their respective relationships with each other. this one was extremely difficult to render and i'm not 100% happy with what i've settled on, but it's the closest approximation to the idea in my brain.

arrows = indicates my clumsy effort at showing who is "moving towards" whom, strictly in terms of the longer term trajectory of the characters' relationships with each other in the text.

prints this out to stick it on my wall and stare at it for a while. hmmm. hmmmm.

#salty peak sect 🧂#non-romantic 3zun #this post sort of became about two separate ideas and i could not be bothered to separate them out into two different posts womp womp #also yes i realize that cql x!yao is essentially as canon as cql wangx!an and xuanl!#but this is just about the novel canon and in the novel nothing is explicitly romantic about any of the relationships within 3zun

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powerbottomblake · 2 years

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ok I finished my rewatch here is the S1 recap brought to you by my brain juices having been put in a blender after that. I will tell you guys, rewatching S1 after watching S2 is so incredibly rewarding this show is just. really good!! it is!! now here are my various disorganized thoughts:

shannon's death scene is so much more hard-hitting on a rewatch. the way when she's being carried she asks for mary then reaches for her is so incredibly intimate she's surrounded by her sisters but she wants mary at her side and the ensuing goodbyes are very much heart-wrenching and there is NO way to read shannon/mary as not romantic especially since we later get hints from everyone that it was pretty much an open secret? everyone knew their relationship was special. props to the cast for delivering such an emotional scene that comes this early in the show (the tear falling from beatrice's face to land on shannon's as she kisses her forehead and says "I'll miss you, sister" is just. Cinéma. Filmé)

the way it is stressed time and again that resurrection is something the halo provides specifically for ava. there's also the way there's a direct parallel with areala bc they're both the only warrior nuns to have received the halo AGAINST their wills and I think you could say resurrection happened for areala too which is very interesting and very neat (the way these two bookend the cycle of warrior nun being fed into the church killing machine)

the way it is basically textual that vincent was the drunk driver that caused ava's accident and that is INSANE. they're both at the center of how the trajectory of their lives was fundamentally rewritten and they're both the cause that sets them on their path. vincent becomes her father figure and develops genuine affection for her and he fills a place in her life that has always been empty before and this really sets the scene for their S2 interactions.

on the topic of vincent there are so many scenes where he stands around in apparent deep meditation and comes afterwards with answers or a set course and those are literally the moments he gets his visions/messages from adriel and it happens right under our noses and we're none the wiser!! you only catch it on rewatch

ava's bisexuality is hinted at so early like literally the first person to hit on her and offer her a drink is a girl!! and then when she escapes the cat's cradle she says "I'm gonna make love to" pointed look at a girl "someone" like it was there right at the beginning

JC is the best person to have a first lay with! I am a person who subscribes to ship having to be each other's true loves not necessarily their first loves and JC was safe and harmless enough for ava to explore things that were denied her in her past life (sexuality, desire, infatuation) bc in the grand scheme of things JC does not matter. and ava subconsciously KNOWS this. ava is never 100% vulnerable or open with JC and not just bc of, you know, the supernatural things happening around and to her constantly but even the most basic information abt herself she withholds for a LONG time. JC is very interesting thematically bc he's what ava thinks freedom looks like and what she thinks she wants but absolutely not what she needs (which is basically what she explores all throughout S1). He's an uprooted vagrant person not beholden to anyone but his own whims but that means he never develops any significant bonds there's no purpose and no real belonging with him. Hell, he leaves his partners of 18 months for ava who he met a week ago. His entire character is based on leaving whereas ava wants, deep down, someone who will stay for and with her. all throughout.

the vincent monologue at the end of episode 1 hits different on a rewatch "prophets are hard to come by in these times" and he went and fashioned himself into one!! this whole things has been him trying to find a type of salvation that the church does not offer him!! especially since he's haunted by who he was in the past and when he joined the OCS he thought maybe this darkness is a demon that can be exorcised and confronted that it was in fact all him he wanted a miracle powerful enough to banish that very darkness. adriel probably sensed that vulnerability in him and came to him in visions using that to get him onboard

mary's whole s1 arc is basically that tough action guy whose wife gets killed and he goes on a rampage to find out who did it and why. she's a female john wick. which. again. I am puzzled by the fact that shannon and mary was apparently not written to read as romantic?? my dearest people you WROTE it that way. you tapped into the romance tropes.

lilith is somehow both an eldest daughter (derogatory) and a middle child (derogatory). and also a bitch and a delight and I love her so much

JC. repeatedly. and I say. REPEATEDLY. offers ava moments of vulnerability where he opens up abt himself and his life and ava offers NOTHING in return. ava is extremely guarded even as she wants him and only offers up her story when she has to and even then it's mostly to distract him from asking questions abt who the people after her are. and that's juxtaposed with how ava, after that very painful moment with mother superion and being offered comfort from beatrice, legitimately opens up to beatrice almost instantly there. Beatrice hugs her once and ava is like I spent 12 years not feeling anything below my chest I didn't kill myself I have a very complicated relationship with nuns and thus catholicism bc I wasn't treated well like the contrast there is mindblowing.

bringing me to my next point: ava instinctively: 1/knows beatrice is safe, 2/knows she is safe with beatrice, 3/ wants to trust beatrice SO BAD. and she wants intensely, for beatrice to believe her and (then in the back end of season once they're paired up) to believe in her

ava fleeing the OCS is done so well bc in 24hrs she gets put through mother superion's psychological warfare, then she hears abt the previous halobearer who I'm sure she was picturing as someone of a certain age then sees the picture and realizes shannon died young, then she goes visiting the murals of the cat's cradle and all the warrior nuns are pictured young and fighting demons, constantly, AND THEN she reads that part abt how areala died her second death YOUNG too. she gets hit with the reality of this fate, the danger of it, the certainty of a death that'll come sooner rather than later as she's appointed humanity's champion while having to fight horrors beyond a normal human's comprehension constantly. ofc my girl bailed. it's all done so very well everything that has to do with ava's arc is insanely well written

jillian calls beatrice "a petite member of the clergy" when she sees the footage of beatrice taking out an entire security team and that is SO FUCKING FUNNY. imagine calling beatrice petite to her face

on that topic beatrice's hallway fight gets projected to a room full of journalists and I am obsessed with that. did she go viral on the internet were there memes abt ninja nuns going feral

all throughout when something happens that pushes against the Norms and Rules beatrice will question it and it can come off as cold but really it's bc Beatrice strives on structure!! if she has to step outside the bounds of it, it better be righteous and worth it. like when she asks if vincent is intent on not giving the halo to lilith and keeping it within ava and he says yes her first reflex is but lilith is next in line. but the politics. this isn't to say beatrice was FOR killing ava like the moment she hears it could kill her she's NOT down to take it away from her but everytime the Order of Things is challenged Beatrice has to be walked through as to why. and if it's WORTH it. which oh boy the way this ties to her S2 arc makes me slightly insane bc ava comes barreling through that structure and beatrice says yes. she is worth upending my whole world for anyway-

Which is NOT to say that beatrice will take well to any kind of authority you actually have to earn her respect otherwise beatrice has. absolutely. zero chill. the tone she takes with duretti who's the fucking CARDINAL. from VATICAN. a pope HOPEFUL?? she is polite yes but curt and cold and very much flirting with impertinence like duretti tries to seduce her into his clique the way he did lilith and it fails astronomically and she basically tells him to go fuck himself?? to A CARDINAL?? DIRECT OVERSIGHT OVER THE OCS?? FROM THE VATICAN??? "you may always count on me to remain faithful. to God." and did you call him a power hungry whore too did you give him the finger beatrice???????

anyway I miss this show so fucking much

#warrior nun #this is a mess of jumbled thoughts it's here for safekeeping #wn S1 recap #might do another post abt supes/ava bc my god. what a layered relationship #and a dedicated JC vs beatrice post bc that specifically drives me insane

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