#their 25th wedding anniversary is tomorrow and im just thinking about like

[transsergio]

yes my parents' marriage is not ideal and yes i'm projecting a healthier happier relationship onto these fictional characters what about it

[wickedangel276]

1/23/19

I was on Facebook just now, and seen a post from my late mother’s friend.. She posted her wedding picture and an old invite to her 25th wedding anniversary in 1988. It made me think of my Mom and Dad.

My parents never celebrated anniversaries. According to my Mom, the marriage was a mistake. She claimed that her sister and one of his sisters pushed her into marrying, that she didnt want to get married. 

They were never affectionate. Never seen a hug, never seen a kiss. They didn’t make love, and I know this because I was an unusually insecure child who slept with my Mom until I was 12. So, yeah, I know they weren’t physical with one another. They had separate beds by the time I was like 9 or 10.

There were times that my Dad did try to be lovey and affectionate toward her, she’d pull away. Just wasn’t having it. I really felt bad for my Dad. He loved her. He tried. He stuck it out and took care of her and us, until the day he died. Life was unfair for him. He was miserable a lot of the time. It made him a bit difficult to get along with at times, but it wasn’t really his fault. I wish I seen that more back then and could have had a better understanding. The few times we were out shopping together, he was happier. We really got along. Until I was pushing the cart behind him and ran into him. lol Happened too many times....yeah, we didn’t get along all that great those times. lol I miss him.

They say that you learn to be affectionate and learn what relationships are all about from watching your parents.. When I started dating, I wasn’t sure how to behave. But, when I became engaged to a super affectionate guy, I learned that’s what I like, what I need. That was when I was 17. I am now married to a different, yet just as affectionate, man. He’s always cuddly, hand holding, kissing me. Says I love you several times a day. I love that, so much. By watching my parents, I learned what a cold, distant marriage is like and knew that’s the furthest thing from what I want, what I need. 

I don’t know where I learned to be affectionate. I always was.. As a child, I always tried to hug on my Mom, she would literally push me away and tell me to stop. I tried to be affectionate with my Dad, but she would make nasty accusations. So, I didn’t have the affection I needed. I think that’s a big part of why I was so insecure. As an adult, I still have my moments when I feel “insecure” and emotionally needy. Luckily, not often. I’m not typically a clingy person. But those times, I need Mark to hold me tight for a few minutes. And he does. He understands. Talking about this almost has me crying. 

I think seeing my parent’s bad marriage is a big part of why I was so hesitant to get married, my entire adult life. I finally did, but it took a while to feel ready. I never want to be divorced, so marriage is very permanent to me. I’ve had some commitment issues throughout my life. And I didn’t want to make a mistake. Didn’t want to make a life long promise to someone, then have him change into someone I couldn’t stand. Partly because, my Mom always warned me not to get married. Said the man thinks he owns you, and he will change. Part of me said, don’t believe it. Another part of me feared her being right. After all, I have dated some guys who were one way before dating them, then they changed after I started dating them. The worst was recent, about 5 years, maybe 6 years ago. He was one of my very best friends, we got together finally and he was a different person. Completely. He was hard to get over, because I missed that close friendship. Still do. ONLY the friendship, though. 

I woke up at 530 this morning. I do better when I wake up early. We have to leave here at 9, to get to his dental appointment in Gate City. While we are there, we are going to go to the courthouse and try to get the visitation/custody case moved from Gate City to Bristol. After 6 months, the jurisdiction is supposed to change. Then we found out we have to take it back to court to petition change of jurisdiction. To the best of my knowledge, I believe her bio mother is incarcerated. She is suppose to serve a year. I just received a message from her fb account saying she is home and wants her visit, but I believe it’s her mother, trying to get the visit. The custody order reads that Sierra is to be transported by the grandmother. So of course, we would have no way of knowing, since the “mother” never comes with her anyway. IF she were not in jail, she would have contacted me about previous missed visits and she would actually call me. I don’t believe it. 

I need to figure out what i’m making for dinner tonight. Had ground beef stroganoff last night. Finally. lol I had been planning it, but making something else instead, for a couple weeks. It was pretty good. I don’t know if Sierra has church tonight or not. I need to know, so I know whether i’m cooking for 3 or just two. But, they aren’t calling me back, so I won’t know until we see if they show up at 5 or not. 

It’s 814 and i’m feeling a little tired. Taking my other phentermine in 45 minutes or so. I had been taking them together, same time, for the longest time. But it’s supposed to be taken about 4 hours apart. I’ve been taking them 2-4 hours apart. They say that spacing them out gives you energy and suppresses the appetite longer throughout the day. It didn’t suppress my appetite the last couple days! I stayed hungry for some reason, ate too much. Today should be different. I had a banana, a couple cups of coffee and a bottle (+1/4 bottle) of water so far, and i’m not hungry so far. 

I need to stop at a grocery store. I’m out of ranch and cottage cheese. I love cottage cheese on a salad, good protein source. Also, probably pick something up for dinner instead of thawing something. I’m thinking pork chops. They can be made so many different ways. Last time, I thinly topped them with mustard and basked them. Everyone loved them. This time, not as healthy, but I am thinking about a thin coat of mayo and some garlic and lemon pepper, salt and pepper. Baked. One of these nights, when she has church and it’s just Mark and I, we have some thick pork chops, will be perfect for stuffing them. 

I set a goal of losing 10 pounds by Valentine’s day. Time is ticking away and i’m not doing great. Not eating at or under my calorie goal the last couple days. I don’t announce my weight freely, but I guess it doesn’t matter. You can tell im over 300 by looking at me, so why bother trying to hide it. I’m 304. My Vday goal is 294. Fingers crossed! (..and mouth closed! ha)

I want to drink more water, it’s good for my weight loss and I feel that i’ve been living chronically dehydrated. But, something...i’m thinking the coffee...has me feeling over full, making it difficult to drink the water.

I check my weight tomorrow, when I stop in at the weight loss clinic to get my lipo-vite shot. Getting them twice a week until the end of February. I hope to see some results. Also hoping I don’t have a gain, this time. When I first weighed in at the clinic, it was 302.5. BUT.. I hadn’t drank much water. I think the extra 1.5 pounds came from extra water I had been drinking. Still, was disappointing to see a gain. Please be a loss or still 304!!!! Preferably a loss. Also, planning to swim Thursday. And Saturday. Doing 2 times a week for now, working up to 3 times per week. Or more. 

I just read that exercise isn’t as important as dieting to lose weight. But, it helps. It helped me stick to my dieting last time. 

834, guess I better get off here and get ready to go.

[justhowwefeelnow-blog]

Tonight. April 11

Today is my parents 25th wedding anniversary. My parents took the day off. I went to my first hour. A CNA class. I'd probably like the class because it is very interesting But the teacher is very very annoying. She bugs me and I dislike her a lot. I need to figure out why. After that class I went home and helped bring lindy my cat to the vet. Lindy is a dark tabby cat. She's an indoor/outdoor cat so she needs her rabies shot. And her nails clipped. We usually clip her nails but it's a 2 man job. She's a feisty girl. She had her front claws. And she can hold a grudge. We found out her kidneys are slowly slowly slowly getting worse. She's reverted to being a little camel. She drinks and drinks and drinks. We have a cup of water sitting on the floor of every bathroom. We have 3 bathrooms. And her water dish and all our cups. She always steals a drink. She's old. Like 17 years old. As of yesterday. And she is a bit pudgy. But that's ok. I love her with every fiber in my body. After that I went back to school for 3rd hour. We did an interactive lab. It was pretty fun. Then I went to work. I work at gearharts floral and gift. I make arrangements and clean. Today we unboxed a large shipment of Easter plants. And unpackaged multiple boxes of merchandise. I learned how to and made 3 wristlets. For the P.A.L.S prom. Their a special needs group in town. Then I left to go to gym. My last hour of the day. Before I went back to school. I put gas in my truck. I drive a tan doge Dakota from 2004. It's worn out and rust. And I'm always cursing at it for it's flaws. But I love that truck. A lot. My dad gave it to me when I got my drivers license. It used to be His truck. And I have a lot of good memories with it. I put $20 in the tank. And I bought a Twix for me and pretzel M&M's for Miranda. We have gym together and we aren't really there to get fit. We just want to graduate. We always try to leave as early as possible. But today we stayed the full time. Then I went back to work. And made bouts to match the wristlets for the prom. Then cleaned. Then my boss made the 25 rose bouquet my dad had ordered for my mom. While she did that I made and orange poppy and white alstro. Arrangement for the cooler. And an arrangement for my parents. It was a rectangular light turquoise dish. That could be mounted in the wall. I put 2 succulents and peach, orange, yellow, and white Renocculous. I think I spelt it wrong. But. That's ok. It was worth the cost. I delivered them home when I got off work. And mom and dad loved them. They ate cheese burgers and bacon for dinner. And since Easter is coming up my dad made boulka buns. We're Russian and we take Easter very seriously lol. I don't eat mean so I are 3 boulkas and some cashews. I watched the first episode of 13 reasons why. Everyone is raving about it. It's a Netflix series. I found out my boyfriend ray is out of town today. He went 3 hours away. And won't be back till tomorrow ...?im a little upset because he never plans anything and when he does they always change. So I'm gonna wait and see I guess. Whatever. Easter is this Sunday and I'm pretty excited. I really don't like getting gifts. It makes me feel weird. But it's ok. I bought 2inch swede yellow shoes and a multi colored floral dress. I just hope everything goes ok...