#thegreatwhaley

[nomorefreerent]

How do you know if you're trans? (I've been thinking about it for literally years but I still can't figure it out)

Jake answers:

content notice: dysphoria, breasts, vaginas & penises, eating disorders, weight, menstruation

That is an excellent excellent question. There isn’t one answer for this, but I will try to answer in a couple ways. First I’ll talk about how I know/didn’t know I’m trans (a man given the sex female when I was born) and give you some background into my life. Then I’ll link to ways others have answered your question - because it’s not the same for every individual.

Let’s start at the beginning, because I could start anywhere really, but chronologically seems easiest to follow. For my third birthday I got a big plastic toy dump truck and two green Tonka tractors with trailers. Apparently I’d asked for them, though I didn’t know that until a few years ago. Side story: my siblings and I had a babysitter because both my parents worked and my brother told them the toys (MY toys) were his and nobody questioned it and I forgot cause I was three. This is NOT how I knew I was trans. I feel like so many times you hear the narrative of MTFs (male to female transpeople) that says “I always knew I was a boy and only played with boys toys and then I was a tomboy when I was older and always knew.” This is not me. I played with all the toys Really they shouldn’t be gendered, that’s dumb, see decision tree below:

So I had the dump trucks and also videogames and barbie dolls and toy soldiers and played soccer and swam and danced and did art and dressed up as a princess and had nerf guns. When I was a little kid I didn’t feel disconnected from my body or feel like I was in the wrong one. People just told me “you’re a girl”, and I didn’t give two tapdancing fucks - as Aaron Ansuini would say (link to his youtube here)

When I was about eight what would happen to by body in puberty started to sink in. I realized I would get breasts and wanted no part in that. In about 5th grade (11 years old) I started to go through puberty and thus began me feeling disconnected with my body. I remember the day actually that I noticed my nipples felt different and remember being so sad. I absolutely hated wearing bras and would instead layer clothing to conceal my developing breasts. I had a bra for gym class because we had to change into gym clothes in the locker room. I always felt super out of place in the girls’ locker room, didn’t want anyone to see my, and changed in a stall. Nonetheless, I had a bra just to fit in. Immediately after school I’d rip it off. At some point though, not wearing a bra made me more aware of my boobs because they’d grown so I started to wear tight sports bras. I even wore them to sleep, not the best for the body I know. I didn’t know that this was gender dysphoria until much later when I started watching trans guys on youtube. I also had and have dysphoria surronding my hips and tried to combat that in a very unhealthy way beginning in 11th grade (16 years old).

When I was 16 I realized that if I lost weight I wouldn’t have as much boob and would loose some of my curves. Let it be known that I was a very normal and healthy weight. Over 4-8 months I lost about 25 lbs (~11 kg) and although I was still in the healthy bmi range, I had very very little fat on me, lost my period, and was tired and irritable all the time. That restricting soon turned into binging and binging and purging when I injured my wrist and couldn’t exercise. That sparked a fast and dark downward spiral right before I started college in 2010. After one semester of school I knew something was wrong though I was not about to admit that it had to do with my eating behaviors. I eventually took time off and accepted I had developed an eating disorder. Over the next few years I was in and out of treatment. It was like I would realize one layer of my identity, get scared, use food/lack of food to cope, and then try to build back up to where I could work on myself again.

So my eating disorder really kept me in the dark in regards to my gender. Most importantly it allowed me to disconnect myself from my body. Treatment was great in the sense that I learned to “accept” and nourish my body, but I took acceptance to mean “ignore your body cause you can’t do anything to change it. It is what it is.” I would have moments of identity awareness. When I was 19 I came out as gay, and though the word never quite fit me, it helped me to feel a bit more free. It was progress!

So I was on Youtube watching videos about being gay and eventually I found some transguys and started watching their content as well. I think the first person I watched was Dana (his Youtube here). At one point in 2012 I was watching a video and realized some things 1)holy shit this is me  2)HOLY SHIT  3)I CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS, I’m gonna pretend I’m not trans (and keep watching these transguys’ videos tho). I think what helped me a lot was watching all these transguys on Youtube without pressuring myself to label my own identity. I’d always had a the inkling that there was more I needed to realize, one more puzzle piece I had to find, before I could be 100% in recovery. Slowly I started to realize that my body was fine, it just wasn’t the body for me! Though I don’t feel like I’m in the wrong body, I do now feel like I went through the wrong puberty. This year, for whatever reason, everything started falling into place. It had been an immense build up, each new part of my gender identity building on the one before until my transness was finally undeniable. (There is a lot more here, but I’m trying to not write a novel). There were still doubts even when I realized I was probably trans. Coming out, changing my name and pronouns, and trying all that out is when really validated “yes, I am trans, this feels right, I feel free.”

I don’t have dysphoria to some parts of my body that some other transmen do. I am fine having a vagina, “female” genitals, and periods. I am pursuing physical transition (testosterone and top surgery) and hope to start T August 25th!

I know some of this is disjointed and clumsy, feel free to message me or ask more questions!

Links to Youtubers I thought were incredibly helpful:

thegreatwhaley

uppercasechase1

brittasaurus

theslofox

valjamesp

ftmtranstastic

[genuinelife]

I have been off of Testosterone for 3 months now as I undergo the process of oocyte (egg) harvesting and cryopreservation. Here I talk about how the journey has been so far, both physically and emotionally.

[nomorefreerent]

How did you truly realize this year that you're trans?

Hello! If you mean, “how did I not realize I was trans until I was 24?” - Well, the short answer is powers of denial + not having the mental and emotional capacity to deal with that realization.

I sort of went through cycles of on and off watching transguys on youtube. I think the first person I watched was thegreatwhaley. That was back in 2012 when I had a lot of free time. I remember watching these videos and thinking “holy shit, this is me.” I also remember thinking “I cannot deal with this, I’m going to pretend I’m not trans but still watch these videos.” I really don’t know how I could hold those two thoughts in my head at the same time.

I guess this year things came to a tipping point. There was this overwhelming collection of logical information that all kept pointing to me being trans that I just couldn’t ignore anymore. I also didn’t need my parents to financially support me anymore, so that was nice. No one thing really stands out to me as to why I only now came out… I think it was all the little things adding up. 

1. not needing my parents financially

2. having really supportive friends, including a close friend who is trans

3. I’d watched so many ftm dudes on Youtube => had a very good grasp on what it meant to be trans

If you have more questions or a specific one, feel free to message me!

[genuinelife]

This is how we do science!