#thebox.sys

[theboxsys]

i cant tell if im just having some natural progression of the self or if im someone else entirely ._. like idk im not NOT me but like. once again. im in my grunge era. and it feels distinctly separate from the frilly puppy dog moments but also not. idk. weird stuff. just wanted to put this somewhere.

[vanillabat99]

🎨 Favorite colors across the board?

I'm not sure!! Lots of us like pink, but I know some people really don't. Yellow is usually pretty neutral? I know I like yellow, and I don't think anyone dislikes yellow.. Usually when we have to pick a colour for something, and it's not gonna belong to someone in particular, we go for yellow!

[theboxsys]

!!!

Things that would always confuse you before you realized you were a system:

Always getting different answers for personality tests

Never being able to settle on a certain style or aesthetic

Always dealing with “fleeting” skills to the point where you could write a complicated and beautifully written paragraph and then a couple hours later not being able to write a cohesive sentence

Strange relationships with people where one moment you could barely be with them for more than a second and then an hour or two later you’re absolutely head over heels

Memory. “What even happened yesterday? What did I even do this morning?”

I’m pretty sure I forgot some so please add more!!

-William/Moska

[theboxsys]

trying to stabilise but its so hard when the options are burnt out dogboy and reckless emo girl.

[theboxsys]

its really busy in the head again. not fun. hope it passes soon. might need to let someone manage things for awhile. my sense of self is so far away right now.

[theboxsys]

felt good n then noticed a friend got termed and went looking through message history for a potential alt of theirs but instead found an ex and creeped a bit and now i am here. fuck.

[theboxsys]

i think its time to make a fresh pinned post, since we did get diagnosed with Unspecified Dissociative Disorder recently and also our structure/hierarchy (???) has changed. we've kinda given up on figuring out whos fronting most of the time, unless its really distinct or something. its been interesting going through the diagnostic process after figuring it out a couple years ago because we've really gotten so much better already. our Major Depressive Disorder has even downgraded to Persistent Depressive Disorder :3

[theboxsys]

fighting for my life in this denny's parkinglot (brain). we are so blurry right now. one of us keeps trying to ground but the other keeps popping back up and ugh. we are suffering my dudes.

[theboxsys]

in therapy the other day, we brought in a headcount list with general age ranges, and it went over pretty well. therapist hasnt diagnosed us with anything, and she wants us to see a psychiatrist (psychologist? i can never remember the difference) to get a proper eval, but my understanding so far is that this is as close to diagnosed as im gonna get until we get the eval.

told my brother on the car ride home and he handled it really really well. he then said that i already told him. so hey, i guess we dont have to worry about that.

been feeling a little soupy. not sure if im fully me or if i need to let the wheel go for a little bit. very exhausting. honestly im fading as i type this so we're gonna be blurry in the morning ._.

[theboxsys]

Things have been so wonky lately. I'm not entirely sure why. Also there's some fresh notebooks to add to the pile of things we have to bring to our next therapy appointment 🙃

[theboxsys]

I feel so awful. I don't know if I want her to miss me or if I want her to feel bad for what she did. I miss her.

[theboxsys]

I don't know who I am anymore

[theboxsys]

GREAT NEWS!!!! I FINALLY TOLD OUR THERAPIST AND IT WENT SO SO AMAZINGLY WELL!!!!!!!! WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[theboxsys]

I'm not sure I want to bring up DID to my therapist... I don't think it's really as big of a deal as it used to be and I'm still not sure if I really have it. Things have been pretty quiet lately. I guess we don't do much that would warrant switches, which would make sense as to why it has been quiet.

I have therapy later today and we don't have anything planned to talk about, so I'm trying to decide if I want to say anything. I was so ready to say something in August but there wasn't an opportunity and there was other stuff to discuss. I don't know how I would even approach the subject. I'm worried about what might happen if I say something.

I think I will look over this blog and other notes and see how I feel about it.

[theboxsys]

I have my own blog if you're interested. It is quite empty for now, but I hope to decorate it nicely. 💙 @angellicblue

[theboxsys]

I've been scrolling through the blog and there's so much tagged for me, it's so sweet 😭